This Past Weekend with Theo Von

00:00:00.000 Today's episode is brought to you by Liquid Death.

00:00:04.040 Drink up.

00:00:05.660 Today's guest is a tall man,

00:00:08.400 and he's a comedian as well.

00:00:11.160 He was semi-recently affected by cancel culture

00:00:14.740 over at Saturday Night Live.

00:00:17.240 He is a co-host of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

00:00:21.340 with his partner, just friend, Matt McCusker.

00:00:26.680 Today's guest is comedian,

00:00:28.540 who I met last night, Mr. Shane Gillis.

00:00:58.540 How you feeling, bro?

00:01:03.000 Me?

00:01:03.400 Yeah.

00:01:03.880 I feel pretty good, man.

00:01:05.120 I think I was just trying to think earlier about how I'm feeling.

00:01:07.680 I think sometimes for me,

00:01:08.840 it's like I have to think about how I'm feeling.

00:01:10.500 Yeah, for sure.

00:01:12.400 It's like I think some people are just feeling, you know?

00:01:15.640 Yeah.

00:01:16.540 It's like when you're depressed.

00:01:18.360 You got to, like, figure it out.

00:01:20.240 Because when you're depressed,

00:01:21.100 you don't, like, know you're depressed.

00:01:22.360 You're just kind of, like, I'm tired.

00:01:24.880 Yeah.

00:01:25.260 I don't feel like doing anything.

00:01:26.900 Yeah.

00:01:27.120 You know, you got to take some time.

00:01:28.420 Yeah.

00:01:28.620 People are like, why are you at this animal shelter?

00:01:30.280 And you're like, I don't know.

00:01:31.260 I just want to say goodbye to these guys.

00:01:33.020 Yeah.

00:01:33.940 I don't know what it is.

00:01:35.040 I just want to say goodbye to all these cats.

00:01:36.940 Yeah.

00:01:37.420 Yeah, man.

00:01:38.760 I just, I don't even know them, but I miss them.

00:01:40.660 Yeah, man.

00:01:43.560 Thanks for letting me get up last night.

00:01:45.180 It was cool.

00:01:45.560 Oh, yeah.

00:01:46.160 I was happy about it.

00:01:47.220 That was a good crowd in there.

00:01:48.600 They were.

00:01:49.060 I was a little, I was a little, like, I couldn't figure them out at first.

00:01:52.840 It was a weird Nashville, you know?

00:01:55.220 There's certain states where, like, Austin or Nashville or, like, Richmond was like that,

00:01:59.800 where it's like, aren't you guys supposed to be, like, fucking Hicks?

00:02:02.500 Oh, yeah.

00:02:02.820 And then they're, like, ultra liberal or, like, not ultra liberal, but they're like, no, we're

00:02:07.300 not Hicks.

00:02:08.220 Right.

00:02:08.700 We care.

00:02:09.600 Yeah.

00:02:09.900 And then they, over, you know?

00:02:11.740 I think.

00:02:12.120 Are we recording this on?

00:02:13.480 Yeah, it can be.

00:02:14.180 All right, good.

00:02:14.660 Okay.

00:02:15.620 I wasn't sure.

00:02:16.620 You know, I do think it's funny to find, like, a real country audience.

00:02:20.260 Like, my audience isn't, like, a real country audience.

00:02:23.820 Do you feel, what is your audience?

00:02:25.420 Do you, I was trying to gauge it from the stage last night.

00:02:28.100 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:28.200 Because you don't know a man, you really don't know a community, you walk into, like,

00:02:31.500 it's, like, putting on his pants or whatever.

00:02:32.720 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:34.180 So you've walked seven minutes in his audience.

00:02:36.360 I don't know.

00:02:36.860 I don't really have, it's new, the audience thing.

00:02:39.300 So it's mostly, it's just podcast guys.

00:02:41.080 Right.

00:02:41.420 Fans like that.

00:02:42.140 Yeah.

00:02:42.620 For sure.

00:02:43.580 Yeah, you had, there was one girl there who was, like, I felt like she was not even looking

00:02:47.460 at the stage.

00:02:48.060 She was kind of looking the other, like, she was kind of sitting to the side.

00:02:51.280 Where was she at?

00:02:52.180 Over to the right.

00:02:52.860 Yeah, I remember her.

00:02:53.800 And she, for me.

00:02:54.920 She hated me.

00:02:55.760 She hated me?

00:02:57.200 She hated me.

00:02:57.840 Start to finish, hated me.

00:02:59.640 Unreal.

00:02:59.960 And I hated her for it.

00:03:01.240 Oh.

00:03:01.740 Every once in a while I'd look at her and be like, what the fuck?

00:03:03.980 What are you doing?

00:03:04.700 Isn't that crazy?

00:03:05.360 Why would you do this?

00:03:07.000 She, like, was mad.

00:03:08.600 Yes.

00:03:09.120 I think that's what it was.

00:03:09.600 I'm glad she was mad during your set.

00:03:11.480 Oh, she was.

00:03:12.100 She was mad during my set.

00:03:12.860 And even Ari, because Ari Maness was there, and he went up before.

00:03:17.680 Kind of a bigger lady, right?

00:03:19.280 She was a little more Rubenesque.

00:03:20.680 Yeah, kind of like a, more of like a Rodin painting.

00:03:23.860 You see her in like a Rodin.

00:03:25.100 Can you bring up Rodin painting?

00:03:26.900 I think, anyway.

00:03:29.000 Yes.

00:03:30.460 But, yeah, that was, I was like, okay, these are Shane's bad girls out here.

00:03:35.620 Yeah, you think I got the, yeah, she almost had a goth appearance.

00:03:38.880 She was pale, black hair.

00:03:39.480 She was a little bit goth.

00:03:41.440 R-O-D-I-N, brother.

00:03:43.620 That's Larry Rodden.

00:03:46.740 Who is also apparently a good artist out of somewhere, I think.

00:03:49.280 Yeah, it looks good.

00:03:51.440 Yeah.

00:03:52.000 Oh, yeah, there it is.

00:03:53.860 I think he did some, oh, there we go.

00:03:55.740 There's that blob to the right.

00:03:57.280 Oh, that's her.

00:03:59.860 I recognize that lady.

00:04:02.620 Fuming during the show.

00:04:03.220 Dude, I used to go, when I was in school, some type of school,

00:04:07.500 I would go to the library and look at all of the,

00:04:11.080 that was all my pornography, that's what I would look at.

00:04:13.400 It was that kind of stuff.

00:04:16.140 Heavily, bro.

00:04:16.700 I remember going in there, and I would get erect,

00:04:20.500 and then I would put my erection into the book,

00:04:23.320 where, in the library, right, like up near the shelves,

00:04:26.580 and close it as hard as I could on my penis.

00:04:28.900 Whoa.

00:04:29.000 So you were like tributing Renaissance paintings.

00:04:32.020 I was, yeah.

00:04:32.660 I mean, I was into, like, and I remember I'd go to the certain section

00:04:35.280 and be back there.

00:04:36.620 It was dicey.

00:04:37.500 It's crazy.

00:04:38.060 I never really thought about that.

00:04:39.140 I went through this whole little deal to do that.

00:04:42.960 That's a lot.

00:04:43.620 It is a lot.

00:04:44.280 That's a lot.

00:04:45.000 That's crazy you did that.

00:04:46.240 It is crazy.

00:04:46.660 You were sticking a book, a dick in books and smashing it?

00:04:50.220 Not putting them in.

00:04:50.880 I would open the book.

00:04:51.800 I like the book.

00:04:52.620 I'm not saying the book was asking for it, but I am saying, yes.

00:04:56.160 But I would do that, man.

00:04:57.340 I would just, like, the book was willing to be a part of it.

00:05:00.960 How old were you?

00:05:01.360 Like seven, yeah.

00:05:01.960 I was probably 13, maybe, 12.

00:05:05.700 This feels like a seventh grade endeavor.

00:05:08.500 Just something, yeah.

00:05:09.800 I think it was just, like, I think I just wanted to,

00:05:13.220 I don't know if I wanted to meet a woman from the past

00:05:15.080 or if I was just, that's how I could see pornography.

00:05:20.420 You wanted a woman from the past, you think, maybe?

00:05:22.860 I don't know.

00:05:23.340 I'm just trying to think of why would I have done that.

00:05:25.740 Because it feels good to smash your dick into the things.

00:05:28.740 Yeah, that too.

00:05:29.780 And they were naked ladies.

00:05:30.740 And porn back then was impossible.

00:05:34.600 And if you could score some porn in school.

00:05:36.940 Yeah.

00:05:37.940 Dude, I would look at, like, the science book.

00:05:40.000 Yeah.

00:05:40.240 It would be, like, a skinless woman, and I'd be, like, nice.

00:05:42.860 Yeah.

00:05:43.260 Like, you could see her pussy.

00:05:44.460 You could see the inside of her pussy.

00:05:45.800 You could see the workings.

00:05:48.060 Dude.

00:05:48.800 So you were just made into the drawings?

00:05:50.840 Oh, bro.

00:05:51.500 Give me a biology book.

00:05:52.860 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:05:53.680 A little anatomy.

00:05:54.120 I remember two moons in eclipse,

00:05:55.960 and I remember thinking it was, like, breasts,

00:05:57.280 and we would, like, draw tits on them.

00:05:58.660 Frogs pussy would be, like, whoo.

00:05:59.840 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:06:00.620 It's pussy.

00:06:03.420 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:04.740 Damn.

00:06:06.340 You remember how hot, like, disgusting teachers were to you?

00:06:09.760 Oh, man.

00:06:10.520 I remember.

00:06:11.300 Yeah, who was your hot one?

00:06:12.320 Who was your hot teacher?

00:06:13.020 We had a lady that had giant tits.

00:06:16.320 Oh, yeah.

00:06:16.620 But she must have been, she literally must have been 65, 70 years old.

00:06:21.040 Wow.

00:06:21.480 But we were all, like, dude, what would you give to just titty fuck this lady?

00:06:26.160 Oh, man.

00:06:26.420 And none of us.

00:06:27.320 We were, like, seventh graders.

00:06:29.220 That's the dark arts.

00:06:30.180 And that's when 9-11 happened.

00:06:31.600 She was the lady who broke the news to me about 9-11.

00:06:33.980 No way.

00:06:34.540 Giant tits lady.

00:06:36.080 I couldn't, I remember when I was young, if a teacher was hot,

00:06:39.280 I couldn't even hear them when they were talking to me.

00:06:41.420 I think that's one of the reasons why I did, why I had trouble learning it

00:06:44.360 sometimes in certain classes, because it's like once they opened,

00:06:47.840 I couldn't hear anything.

00:06:49.180 Yeah, you were in the library smashing your dick into books, dude.

00:06:51.980 Yeah, that's true.

00:06:52.400 You're not going to learn anything.

00:06:53.960 There's no chance you're learning.

00:06:55.440 Yeah, that's true.

00:06:56.540 Somebody should have got a hold of you and stopped you.

00:06:58.900 Yeah.

00:06:59.340 That would have helped.

00:07:00.380 I was at the library for so many hours.

00:07:02.040 I think at some point I had to do that.

00:07:03.260 This kid's a real bookworm.

00:07:04.400 Yeah.

00:07:05.340 This kid's literally.

00:07:06.360 Studying hard.

00:07:07.100 He's failing.

00:07:07.520 I don't know how he's failing.

00:07:08.780 He's literally worming these books over here.

00:07:12.100 And I always had a, I was.

00:07:14.320 Oh, we're allowed to drink these?

00:07:15.440 Yeah, we can drink these, man.

00:07:16.560 That's sparkling, do you mind?

00:07:17.740 This is sparkling water?

00:07:18.620 Do you want flat?

00:07:19.340 I don't know why.

00:07:19.860 I thought this was.

00:07:21.060 This is water?

00:07:21.740 We're out drinking, take flat.

00:07:22.620 It was coffee.

00:07:23.820 It's water.

00:07:25.080 Liquid death water?

00:07:26.340 Yeah.

00:07:27.840 Where's this stuff from?

00:07:28.780 Flint?

00:07:29.400 I don't know, probably.

00:07:30.720 Yeah, that's actually a good call.

00:07:34.140 Yeah, how is this not?

00:07:35.460 Liquid death water?

00:07:36.660 The sanctioned water of Flint.

00:07:39.600 They're having a tough time.

00:07:41.660 Oh, wow.

00:07:44.480 But, dude, nice to meet you last night.

00:07:45.880 Thanks for letting us get up, man.

00:07:48.000 Yeah.

00:07:48.620 We kind of talked a little bit briefly about, oh, we had a question.

00:07:51.720 What is this one, Sean?

00:07:53.620 Hi, Theo.

00:07:55.120 My name's Joe, and I'm a big fan from little old England.

00:08:00.660 Enjoy my bath.

00:08:02.860 Who's in the back?

00:08:03.620 Question for Shane.

00:08:05.280 What is his opinion on age gap relationships?

00:08:10.820 Still seems to be okay with the younger woman and the older guy, but not so much the other

00:08:16.380 way around.

00:08:17.000 So, um, look forward to hearing your opinions.

00:08:20.100 Okay?

00:08:20.620 Bye.

00:08:23.000 Wow.

00:08:23.800 That could be one of, that's somebody's school teacher.

00:08:26.660 Whoa.

00:08:27.180 She's in the bathtub.

00:08:28.040 Is that British ASMR in a bathtub?

00:08:30.320 Yeah, it was.

00:08:30.960 She's asking me about how I feel about older women.

00:08:33.620 Yeah.

00:08:33.860 What, do you bring me down here to make me come, dude?

00:08:36.080 Nuh-uh.

00:08:36.360 Are you trying to get me hard?

00:08:37.320 Is this a setup?

00:08:38.180 No, I've never done anything like that.

00:08:39.140 Is this a setup?

00:08:39.740 Huh?

00:08:40.000 No, I've never.

00:08:40.380 You invite me over here, you put on some ASMR, give me fucking rock hard, give me some water?

00:08:45.260 No, no, no, no.

00:08:46.380 What are you doing?

00:08:48.040 You make me jerk off on this podcast?

00:08:50.580 No.

00:08:51.080 What was that?

00:08:52.020 What does she want?

00:08:52.640 I'm out.

00:08:53.140 Look.

00:08:53.540 What's the question?

00:08:54.640 No, we.

00:08:55.100 Yeah.

00:08:55.180 How do I feel about older ladies?

00:08:56.500 I've never, I've never seen that question.

00:08:58.000 I've never seen that woman.

00:08:58.940 I'm glad she's staying clean.

00:09:00.240 I don't know that lady.

00:09:01.860 Um, she's attractive.

00:09:03.300 Obviously, I think she's attractive.

00:09:04.400 Look at the suds on her chest a little.

00:09:06.760 I didn't notice that before.

00:09:08.420 But no, we didn't bring you down here to get anything out of you, man.

00:09:12.280 Not at all.

00:09:12.800 I mean, just have some information, I guess.

00:09:15.400 What if you just masturbated onto the mic and just left?

00:09:18.300 What is your question?

00:09:19.420 What is your question?

00:09:20.500 No, I agree.

00:09:21.560 I think, yeah.

00:09:22.600 Have you been a, yeah.

00:09:23.660 Is that a, been a, ever a thing for you?

00:09:25.260 Older ladies?

00:09:25.680 Yeah.

00:09:25.700 Older women?

00:09:26.280 I've been with older women.

00:09:27.340 I like it.

00:09:27.980 You do?

00:09:28.680 Yeah.

00:09:29.640 Yeah.

00:09:30.440 I'm less, uh, do you guys want to talk?

00:09:33.460 A lot of people, when they see me, they want to learn about my sexuality.

00:09:36.700 Really?

00:09:37.100 I'm a real, yeah.

00:09:38.400 They want to ask me about sex.

00:09:39.760 Because you have that politic, you look to me like a politician, I feel like.

00:09:42.460 And so, everybody wants to know, you know, kind of what Bill Clinton's really into.

00:09:47.340 So, I think you're the closest that I've ever gotten.

00:09:49.240 You're the closest to Bill Clinton?

00:09:51.400 To me?

00:09:51.860 Yeah.

00:09:52.180 So far.

00:09:52.860 I mean, height and style and like, kind of that.

00:09:55.520 I think, uh, yes.

00:09:57.240 Older ladies.

00:09:58.080 Yeah.

00:09:58.260 Like, sometimes when you're with like a young hot girl, you feel like, I, this is my job

00:10:04.620 for this to go well.

00:10:06.040 Yeah.

00:10:06.400 But when you get an old slut, a geezer slut, that's when you just let her fucking, oh, I've

00:10:12.200 never done that.

00:10:12.980 Oh, what the hell, lady?

00:10:14.120 Oh, those.

00:10:14.660 You know what I mean?

00:10:15.280 I guess.

00:10:16.040 I, yeah.

00:10:16.480 I don't know.

00:10:17.680 The hell you doing down there, lady?

00:10:18.980 I don't know.

00:10:19.440 Oh.

00:10:20.700 Yeah.

00:10:21.100 They really know how to pickle the onions, you know?

00:10:23.380 They do.

00:10:24.360 Yeah.

00:10:24.520 I let her press my gooch.

00:10:26.320 Oh, wow.

00:10:26.820 She's fingering my taint to fire me up a little.

00:10:30.140 Oh, my God.

00:10:31.840 Room's going crazy.

00:10:33.840 Yeah.

00:10:34.220 And that's, yeah, that's our, uh, producer Riley.

00:10:38.220 Now, he's never even masturbated in his life, which is true.

00:10:41.020 And that's unbelievable.

00:10:41.480 Who is that?

00:10:42.340 Riley, the, the.

00:10:43.360 You've never masturbated?

00:10:44.900 Never.

00:10:46.620 No.

00:10:47.400 Give it a shot.

00:10:48.760 Nuh-uh, no, no.

00:10:49.460 You can't.

00:10:49.820 He's like a.

00:10:50.360 It's too late now.

00:10:51.040 No, he, no, it's not too late.

00:10:52.200 I don't think it's too late.

00:10:53.080 I don't know.

00:10:53.520 Hopefully he can.

00:10:54.280 I don't know.

00:10:54.720 He might have autism.

00:10:55.560 I don't even know him that well.

00:10:57.140 He's a great, great guy, and I'm glad that he's here.

00:11:00.320 Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up.

00:11:01.660 It just kind of fell into conversation that, and, uh, are you doing okay, Riley?

00:11:05.700 I am.

00:11:07.040 There you go.

00:11:07.520 You've just never masturbated?

00:11:09.000 Nope.

00:11:09.300 He's, he's part of a religious group, and they don't do it.

00:11:14.420 How, what type of religion?

00:11:16.560 Uh, Christian.

00:11:17.840 Oh, shit, yeah.

00:11:19.140 I'm with you, brother.

00:11:20.600 I'm still firing him off.

00:11:22.400 He's with you, but you're more of a Hester Prynne type.

00:11:24.040 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:11:24.760 Okay.

00:11:25.200 I was a Catholic, and they would talk to you about coming.

00:11:28.060 Oh, okay.

00:11:29.180 Oh.

00:11:29.760 I had some priests ask me about, you, you grew up Catholic, right?

00:11:32.720 Do you?

00:11:33.620 Or no?

00:11:34.360 We were Baptist, like, Sixth Baptist, I think.

00:11:36.680 Oh, okay.

00:11:37.200 Do you ever get any guys talking to you about cum?

00:11:41.280 We had a professor, I guess, or, I think then it was just a teacher, you know?

00:11:46.800 Yeah.

00:11:46.980 And he would, I remember he drew a picture of a wiener ejaculating on a chalkboard.

00:11:56.120 And it was, he, like, kind of described, like, he told us what the feelings would be like.

00:12:00.800 We wouldn't be able to handle it and stuff.

00:12:02.780 And then he drew it like, he drew the.

00:12:07.240 The ropes.

00:12:07.640 Yeah, the ejaculate just coming out.

00:12:10.380 It was really insane.

00:12:11.320 Was he, like, making the noise with it?

00:12:14.860 I remember he, I do remember it was one of those double chalkboards.

00:12:17.640 Here comes a big one.

00:12:19.300 He, like, walked it.

00:12:21.820 I remember he would put the marker on the board and then walk it across the board.

00:12:26.900 That's crazy.

00:12:27.960 It was pretty crazy, man.

00:12:29.420 And he wore the shortest shorts, too.

00:12:31.580 He died, man.

00:12:32.560 Willie, I think, Derek Usner was his name or something.

00:12:36.300 And I think his son might have died.

00:12:37.700 But he died.

00:12:38.820 His son died, too?

00:12:40.040 I'm pretty sure.

00:12:41.080 I don't want to say that, but I'm pretty sure.

00:12:43.260 And he had the biggest mustache.

00:12:45.480 Like, I don't, his words, like, I felt like his words were.

00:12:47.460 He had a big mustache and he was talking.

00:12:49.140 Oh, bro.

00:12:50.000 His mustache came over both lips.

00:12:52.640 So it was like.

00:12:53.600 He's dead.

00:12:55.320 The words couldn't even, some of the words, you just had to guess what they were.

00:12:58.300 People thought he was, some people thought he was black.

00:13:01.020 People didn't know what was going on.

00:13:02.180 It was dicey.

00:13:03.300 Some people thought he was.

00:13:03.960 Well, you just couldn't understand what he was talking about.

00:13:07.160 It was crazy.

00:13:08.000 You know, it was just different times back then.

00:13:10.440 It was different times.

00:13:12.400 But, yeah, I've never really had an experience, really, with an older woman.

00:13:16.660 You have not.

00:13:17.560 I haven't had that experience.

00:13:18.620 It's nice.

00:13:19.560 Is it?

00:13:19.980 You just let them go.

00:13:21.860 Dude, I remember one time this one girl was so hot.

00:13:24.960 I felt like I was afraid to even go in the same room with her.

00:13:27.480 Yeah, for sure.

00:13:28.620 So girls, yeah, I think with regular, like, you know, legally aged women, it can get a

00:13:34.580 little bit dicier.

00:13:35.280 But, yeah, I guess if you have an older lady, you're kind of the little.

00:13:38.620 Yeah.

00:13:39.020 The little.

00:13:39.860 Now you're the.

00:13:40.520 You're the meal.

00:13:41.460 Yeah.

00:13:42.220 It feels nice to be a snack sometime.

00:13:43.900 You know what I'm talking about?

00:13:44.660 So you don't beat off.

00:13:46.140 This is crazy.

00:13:46.920 I don't.

00:13:47.200 We're just skimming past it.

00:13:48.160 Never once in your life.

00:13:49.100 How old are you?

00:13:49.980 23.

00:13:50.840 All right.

00:13:51.280 You got time.

00:13:52.560 You're going to get one off.

00:13:53.740 What?

00:13:54.100 I promise.

00:13:55.800 I promise you're going to come.

00:13:56.880 Oh, dude, I'll pat him on the back hard enough.

00:13:58.860 I bet he'll bust.

00:13:59.840 You know what I'm saying?

00:14:00.860 Sorry, brother.

00:14:01.540 I don't want to say that kind of stuff in front of.

00:14:03.180 You know, I'm not trying to.

00:14:04.780 I'm trying not to jerk off, and he doesn't.

00:14:07.300 So it's, you know, it's interesting.

00:14:10.440 How many times?

00:14:11.360 Do you mind if I ask you about.

00:14:12.940 Do you have wet dreams a lot?

00:14:14.920 I don't.

00:14:17.120 That's crazy.

00:14:17.960 What do you.

00:14:18.520 What happens, Riley?

00:14:19.320 Do you.

00:14:21.820 But you're saving yourself for it.

00:14:23.820 Are you gay for us to talk about this?

00:14:25.000 I am.

00:14:25.400 No.

00:14:25.620 We're fine.

00:14:26.780 I'm gay about talking about guys coming.

00:14:29.740 All right.

00:14:31.320 What.

00:14:32.780 Do you have a lot of sensations in your body, Riley?

00:14:36.100 Not really.

00:14:36.940 No.

00:14:37.880 I was gay.

00:14:38.840 You made me gay.

00:14:40.820 You can't ask about sensations.

00:14:44.300 I'm sorry, man.

00:14:45.560 Can we even hear Riley?

00:14:46.740 Do we have him on mic?

00:14:47.580 We do.

00:14:48.560 Do you have a lot of sensations in your body, Riley?

00:14:52.240 Not really.

00:14:53.460 Are you serious, man?

00:14:54.980 Yeah.

00:14:58.780 You have no feelings?

00:15:01.880 Not really.

00:15:02.080 I didn't know this, bro.

00:15:02.940 This is awesome.

00:15:03.980 Do you get hurt?

00:15:04.940 Have you felt pain?

00:15:06.880 Physically pain?

00:15:07.720 Physical?

00:15:08.840 What kind of physical pain?

00:15:10.120 Like you ever break a bone or anything?

00:15:11.860 No.

00:15:12.400 You ever get a cut?

00:15:13.660 I've gotten cuts.

00:15:14.720 What do you.

00:15:15.080 How does that feel?

00:15:15.600 It's when you get cut.

00:15:17.100 I don't know.

00:15:17.700 I put a band-aid on.

00:15:19.360 But does anything come out?

00:15:22.380 Blood?

00:15:23.020 Blood?

00:15:23.980 Yeah.

00:15:24.620 All right.

00:15:25.380 But you're okay, Riley.

00:15:26.920 You don't have a birth defect or something.

00:15:30.520 I don't.

00:15:31.260 Okay.

00:15:32.160 That's what I was concerned with.

00:15:33.460 If you don't have any symptoms in your body.

00:15:34.240 Oh, it's like your penis.

00:15:36.060 No, no, I don't.

00:15:37.360 So you get erection?

00:15:38.680 Right.

00:15:39.340 Okay.

00:15:39.900 And what do you do when you do?

00:15:41.180 Do you go outside?

00:15:42.500 Do you put your hands in like a. . .

00:15:44.720 Do you just calm down?

00:15:46.760 I just ignore it.

00:15:48.100 Dang.

00:15:48.860 Wow.

00:15:49.460 That is power, bro.

00:15:50.900 That's pretty impressive.

00:15:51.860 That's power, dude.

00:15:52.620 You're like the Carl Malone of your own leader, bro.

00:15:55.260 I mean, that is insane, baby.

00:15:57.500 Yeah.

00:15:58.240 Wow.

00:15:58.600 I mean. . .

00:16:00.040 That's wild, man.

00:16:00.960 Yeah.

00:16:01.180 Yeah.

00:16:01.220 And I don't want to see. . .

00:16:05.560 I just want you to be. . .

00:16:06.420 I want you to be happy, man.

00:16:08.620 Do you wish you never had?

00:16:10.380 Never had cum?

00:16:11.940 No.

00:16:12.140 Yeah.

00:16:12.800 Ejaculated.

00:16:13.280 There's never one part of me that wants that.

00:16:15.480 Yeah.

00:16:15.820 Having never. . .

00:16:16.400 I mean, it'd be fun to experience it again for the first time.

00:16:19.140 Yeah.

00:16:19.280 That would be nice.

00:16:20.460 But no.

00:16:21.020 I'm proud.

00:16:21.640 I'm proud of almost every one of them.

00:16:23.240 Really?

00:16:23.760 Almost across the board.

00:16:25.040 I'm like, nice.

00:16:25.460 Oh, dang.

00:16:25.980 Nice.

00:16:26.340 We did it.

00:16:27.780 Oh, so you're in 4A, huh?

00:16:29.100 There's been a couple.

00:16:30.000 Yeah, dude.

00:16:30.500 I don't have any problem with it.

00:16:32.700 Oh, wow.

00:16:32.760 Some of my boys are like, you're trying not to jerk off?

00:16:35.340 Yeah, I try not to.

00:16:36.120 I feel bad when I do for some reason.

00:16:37.560 It makes me feel disheartened.

00:16:39.840 It just goes away right away.

00:16:41.300 Wow.

00:16:41.760 Like, I don't feel. . .

00:16:43.400 My friends feel that way.

00:16:44.480 My friend Matt, who I do my podcast with, he's a big. . .

00:16:47.920 Like, it's pigging out.

00:16:49.520 Don't be gross.

00:16:50.260 Don't jerk off like that.

00:16:51.900 And is that. . .

00:16:52.840 Geeves.

00:16:53.360 How do you say that?

00:16:54.020 Keeves.

00:16:54.520 Keeves.

00:16:54.840 Keeves.

00:16:55.020 McKeever.

00:16:55.280 That's John McKeever.

00:16:56.340 That's a different guy.

00:16:57.280 Okay, that's the sketch.

00:16:58.460 Yeah, that's the sketch guy.

00:16:59.780 Yeah.

00:17:00.220 Yeah.

00:17:00.780 Yeah.

00:17:02.900 Wow.

00:17:03.420 Well. . . .

00:17:04.580 But, yeah, I used to go into that library, and I liked it there.

00:17:09.240 And the lady. . .

00:17:10.120 This is a reason we were able to get away with it.

00:17:11.940 And I say we. . .

00:17:12.560 It's just me.

00:17:13.180 But, because the librarian was the largest woman in our town.

00:17:17.860 So, there were some stacks.

00:17:19.860 Some books actually couldn't even come down.

00:17:21.720 So, it was like. . .

00:17:22.180 It was great.

00:17:22.700 You could tell if she was coming, too.

00:17:24.060 Yeah.

00:17:24.180 It was a commotion.

00:17:25.500 Yeah, you would see a shadow again.

00:17:27.080 You would see a shadow.

00:17:28.160 You know what I'm saying?

00:17:28.960 There would be some sort of a vibe.

00:17:30.540 You know what I'm saying?

00:17:31.040 A shadow.

00:17:31.580 Like, a kid would be quiet.

00:17:32.920 You know what I'm saying?

00:17:33.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:33.380 Something would have. . .

00:17:34.280 Shh, shh, shh.

00:17:34.860 Remember, that was the best thing with the library.

00:17:36.140 People were always like, shh, shh, shh.

00:17:36.960 Yeah, it was fun shushing people.

00:17:38.640 Yes.

00:17:38.960 And doing it, like, as a dick.

00:17:40.400 Yeah.

00:17:40.880 To yell.

00:17:41.820 And anybody that was mad, you got to shh them.

00:17:44.020 It was like that Quiet Place movie or something.

00:17:46.940 Yeah.

00:17:47.580 Or the best was when anybody got in trouble and you got to go, ooooh.

00:17:51.960 Like, you'd start screaming.

00:17:55.000 Ooooh.

00:17:56.840 My one friend used to, like, if you fucked with him at all, he would scream.

00:18:00.260 Like, if you, like, grabbed him or something, he'd be like, Shane, get off for the last time.

00:18:04.620 Like, he'd get you in trouble if you fucked up at all.

00:18:07.040 Oh, damn.

00:18:07.460 It was very funny.

00:18:08.100 Like, you can still do that as an adult.

00:18:09.960 Yeah, you can.

00:18:10.460 You can.

00:18:10.820 You can be like, get the fuck off, dude.

00:18:11.940 I told you.

00:18:12.740 It's like, I didn't touch him.

00:18:15.420 Yeah.

00:18:16.040 Dude, that was fun.

00:18:17.100 Being a kid like that was fun.

00:18:18.160 Being a kid, and when somebody's getting in trouble, oh, man.

00:18:20.900 There was so many little levels to it.

00:18:22.920 Oh, you could, because you were free now.

00:18:24.480 Yes.

00:18:24.720 Someone else is in trouble, so you can just be like, ooooh.

00:18:29.640 And the teacher's got to be like, everybody's settled.

00:18:32.720 But you're charging her up.

00:18:33.860 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:34.380 She's like, yeah, you are in trouble, dude.

00:18:36.520 Dude, everyone knows.

00:18:37.860 You're fucked.

00:18:39.040 Dude, the worst was when you got in trouble.

00:18:41.040 It was like, such a defeating feeling.

00:18:43.660 You felt everybody's eyes were on you.

00:18:46.000 I would, like, cry, because I'd get in trouble.

00:18:48.320 I'd be like, yo, my dad's going to fuck me up for this.

00:18:50.400 Now, he would never, like, actually fuck me up.

00:18:52.080 I'd get, like, slapped.

00:18:53.380 Yeah.

00:18:53.680 But I'd get in trouble in school a lot.

00:18:56.520 And every time, I'd be like, dude, do you guys understand?

00:18:58.600 I'm going to get fucked up for this.

00:19:00.020 Yeah.

00:19:00.400 Like, stop giving me these detentions.

00:19:02.140 Yeah.

00:19:02.540 For, like, farting.

00:19:03.880 Yeah.

00:19:04.280 I'm going to get hit.

00:19:05.220 Yeah.

00:19:05.820 I'm going to literally get hit for this.

00:19:07.440 And they had no problem with it.

00:19:08.700 They were like, yeah, maybe you should stop farting.

00:19:10.120 Yeah, you sure are.

00:19:10.740 Yeah.

00:19:11.720 Our principal, I remember, we could still get beaten at school.

00:19:15.040 Oh, really?

00:19:15.400 And I remember getting spanked by the man, Bill Brady.

00:19:17.420 And I saw him at a funeral recently, and he seemed like a nice guy.

00:19:20.520 I was actually kind of glad he was the guy that sang me up.

00:19:22.500 At the time, I didn't know who he was as a kid.

00:19:25.080 I didn't, you can't look in his eyes and get an idea of him.

00:19:27.380 But as an adult, I was able to just look in his eyes like, oh, man, you're at the funeral.

00:19:30.800 Was it the cum guy's funeral?

00:19:32.860 Dick Troy?

00:19:33.860 No.

00:19:35.100 No.

00:19:35.980 No, it was not that guy, man.

00:19:37.240 Thank God.

00:19:37.500 Different funeral.

00:19:38.980 Yeah.

00:19:39.420 This guy.

00:19:40.340 Yeah.

00:19:40.800 This was a, oh, this fellow that passed, though, he had, we'd been in a hot tub.

00:19:44.680 I've told this story before.

00:19:46.280 I like how every one of your stories is like, yeah, I remember this as a kid.

00:19:49.400 Now, he has since passed.

00:19:51.020 It's like, all right, dude.

00:19:51.720 Well, yeah, he passed, bro.

00:19:53.080 But, oh, everybody dies, man, that I know.

00:19:55.860 But he, we, the first time anybody ever ejaculated in our, we were at a party, and someone did

00:20:01.560 it in a hot tub.

00:20:03.260 And none of us had ever seen it.

00:20:05.300 We didn't know about it.

00:20:06.440 We didn't know you could do it.

00:20:07.720 Yeah.

00:20:07.900 So, this guy was erect under the water, and he was doing like a, remember Loch Ness Monster,

00:20:14.520 the drawing?

00:20:15.040 Yeah.

00:20:15.340 Very funny.

00:20:15.920 It was like the biggest, most important thing.

00:20:17.340 He was sticking his dick out?

00:20:17.800 Yes.

00:20:18.380 He kept doing that a little bit, just Loch Ness and his wiener out the hot tub in the water.

00:20:21.280 That's very funny.

00:20:22.300 It was pretty cool, man.

00:20:23.660 Yeah.

00:20:23.840 Yeah.

00:20:23.940 Especially at that age, we're dying.

00:20:25.080 Now, he has since passed.

00:20:26.780 He is still alive, this guy.

00:20:28.840 But at one point, he was, I guess, pleasuring himself.

00:20:31.080 He leans up out of the water, starts spraying out.

00:20:34.560 This other kid thought something was happening to him that was bad, grabbed his penis to stop

00:20:40.320 it from happening.

00:20:41.140 No.

00:20:41.900 And the other, the bigger kid ended up punching the kid, but the kid that grabbed him, the

00:20:45.880 safety kid.

00:20:46.660 Punched him.

00:20:47.640 The safety kid died.

00:20:49.400 They say the kid who grabbed the penis and got punched.

00:20:52.160 He is overdosed.

00:20:54.460 Yeah.

00:20:54.940 He grabbed the, he saw an ejaculating penis and went.

00:20:57.640 Because he didn't know he thought something bad.

00:20:58.800 Somebody's got to put an end to this.

00:20:59.460 Yes.

00:20:59.740 And then he got punched, too, and died.

00:21:02.840 Hell of a fucking, it's a terrible story.

00:21:05.280 It's a tough life story.

00:21:06.940 Anyway, man, I didn't mean to get off into all that tangent.

00:21:08.960 No, I'm glad you did.

00:21:09.860 I like it.

00:21:10.700 Oh.

00:21:11.560 Yeah, man.

00:21:12.120 Thanks for having us.

00:21:13.140 I like it.

00:21:13.660 I like it, man.

00:21:14.960 I like hearing these stories.

00:21:16.400 Oh, yeah, man.

00:21:17.060 That was an interesting one.

00:21:19.020 Yeah, thanks for having us over there, man.

00:21:20.600 I know we talked about what it was like going on, Rogan, and just like the nervousness.

00:21:24.180 You know?

00:21:24.780 Because you've been in there.

00:21:25.580 I mean, I haven't been in there in a few years, so I didn't, I forgot about that

00:21:29.640 nervousness of when you go in.

00:21:31.400 Right when you walk in?

00:21:32.360 Yeah.

00:21:32.500 Yeah.

00:21:32.960 Because the whole time, like I told you, I was hanging out with him during the week,

00:21:36.180 and it was like, oh, he's the man.

00:21:37.760 Oh, yeah.

00:21:38.220 This is, he is the man.

00:21:40.160 And then you go in there, and it's like, oh, shit, I forgot that this is like, this

00:21:44.100 is a big deal.

00:21:45.160 You know what I mean?

00:21:45.440 He's like if Sasquatch were a real person.

00:21:47.200 Yeah.

00:21:47.420 You know?

00:21:47.780 It really is.

00:21:48.520 It really is.

00:21:49.220 Yeah, because I've been watching him and listening to him for years, and then you meet, and

00:21:53.720 it's like, holy shit, he is exactly who you think he is, too.

00:21:57.060 Right.

00:21:57.400 He really is exactly that guy.

00:21:59.180 Yes, he really is.

00:22:00.080 He's not a different guy.

00:22:01.320 He's like a library with a bow and arrow, I feel like.

00:22:04.440 You know?

00:22:05.060 Explain that.

00:22:05.820 Go ahead.

00:22:06.280 He's just like-

00:22:06.760 Oh, I hear you.

00:22:07.320 Yeah, I got it.

00:22:07.360 The information and the ability to share it, and then, yeah, he's fascinating.

00:22:12.800 Yeah.

00:22:13.720 And then you go in there, so what, I haven't been to the new studio.

00:22:17.020 Yeah.

00:22:18.040 So you go in there, and what's it like?

00:22:20.440 You get tested for COVID, all that stuff.

00:22:23.040 Wow.

00:22:23.620 And there's just guys, there's like, it's just nice.

00:22:26.940 Everybody's nice, everybody's happy, and you go in, and it's, yeah, that's it.

00:22:33.980 How big is it?

00:22:34.660 Like this?

00:22:35.100 Yeah, it's like this.

00:22:35.840 It's like this.

00:22:36.800 Yeah, and you go in, and it's, but then I was up there, and I was like, oh, fuck, I'm

00:22:40.780 bombing.

00:22:41.880 I don't know why.

00:22:42.320 You sit on the stool.

00:22:43.300 Was there a back on the stool, do you remember?

00:22:44.820 Yeah, you got to sit in like a, with nice posture.

00:22:46.960 Yeah.

00:22:47.420 And I kind of look like a fucking, I look like an idiot, so I don't want to, a side

00:22:51.200 angle of my slouched slug body while I'm talking to this guy.

00:22:55.740 Well, you have longer torso, too, so you have more slouch.

00:23:00.660 There's more of a ability for you to slouch.

00:23:03.800 You're more of like a, you could have that kind of weeping willow vibe.

00:23:06.160 Yes, certainly.

00:23:07.560 So you have to really, I have less posture.

00:23:10.800 You're funny.

00:23:11.360 You make me laugh.

00:23:12.740 Oh, thanks.

00:23:13.180 Everything you say, it's funny.

00:23:14.860 Oh, dude, no, I have less posture, like my body style.

00:23:17.500 Yeah.

00:23:17.900 You have more posture than me.

00:23:19.160 Sure.

00:23:19.740 So I could imagine if I had to manage an extra foot of fucking posture, dude, I would

00:23:23.660 choke myself out.

00:23:25.280 It's truly killing me.

00:23:26.540 Anyway.

00:23:27.040 On stage, especially.

00:23:28.140 On stage, I'm like this the whole time.

00:23:30.020 No, really?

00:23:30.800 Bro, I literally, especially because the crowd's down.

00:23:33.780 So I'm always, if you see a side shot of me doing stand-up, it looks fucking crazy.

00:23:39.780 You can see, I have a hump.

00:23:41.420 I'm developing a hump.

00:23:43.000 Like, it's bad.

00:23:44.480 It's not great.

00:23:46.200 I bought one of those fucking things that, don't do this.

00:23:49.100 Look at that one right there.

00:23:50.200 There it is.

00:23:51.120 You cocked up.

00:23:51.500 Look at that.

00:23:51.980 That's like, yeah.

00:23:52.660 It's like something cracked out of the water.

00:23:53.300 Look at the rest of them.

00:23:54.140 It's all my failures.

00:23:55.640 Oh, yeah.

00:23:56.280 Is there anything worse than Googling your own image?

00:23:58.960 Oh, it's not great.

00:24:02.640 It's not great stuff.

00:24:03.900 You look nice, though.

00:24:04.880 Thanks, man.

00:24:06.080 Handsome guy.

00:24:06.660 We were having fun.

00:24:08.220 Dude, I wish I was taller.

00:24:10.520 You guys are so, you, Chris D'Aliya, these tall guys, George Wallace.

00:24:15.320 George Wallace, yeah.

00:24:16.300 The tall guys that can like, hey, here's my arm, you know?

00:24:19.960 It's like you have that ability.

00:24:21.100 You're not, dude.

00:24:21.640 You're not like small, though.

00:24:22.740 I'm regular size.

00:24:23.980 That's a nice.

00:24:24.460 It's not.

00:24:26.460 Yeah?

00:24:26.820 It doesn't do anything.

00:24:29.100 Would you rather be short or regular?

00:24:32.100 No, you don't want to be a short guy?

00:24:33.200 No, sad against anybody short.

00:24:34.960 You don't want to be a little guy?

00:24:36.060 I don't think so.

00:24:37.360 There's some things about being a little guy that I think are nice.

00:24:40.620 You think?

00:24:40.980 I don't know.

00:24:41.360 You get to scurry.

00:24:42.600 That's true.

00:24:43.700 Yeah.

00:24:44.500 You're always, you're going to live long.

00:24:46.820 Oh, yeah.

00:24:47.480 You know?

00:24:47.980 That's a great point.

00:24:48.560 I'm big.

00:24:49.080 I'm dead soon.

00:24:50.900 I'm going to be passed away.

00:24:52.460 You're going to be telling a story.

00:24:53.340 You're going to be like, yeah, I had him on the podcast last week.

00:24:56.360 He's since passed away, but we were talking cum.

00:25:00.800 Yeah.

00:25:01.160 Oh.

00:25:01.760 Yeah.

00:25:02.240 We were, man.

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00:26:24.040 You need help.

00:26:26.160 I'm asking you, and I'm telling you.

00:26:27.800 You probably do.

00:26:28.460 I do.

00:26:29.360 I do.

00:26:29.840 I just filled out a form yesterday to get some more mental health therapy.

00:26:33.640 You know it.

00:26:34.640 I'll be there.

00:26:35.360 If you wonder what I'm doing ever, I'm probably putting another appointment with a therapist into my iCal.

00:26:41.960 That's what I'm usually doing.

00:26:44.120 Well, BetterHelp, they offer it.

00:26:47.520 They can assess your needs and match you with a legit therapist.

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00:27:03.300 Sometimes you live in a small area.

00:27:04.720 You might live on a riverboat.

00:27:06.500 You don't want to go get in a thing and, you know, somebody shows up in a little pirog on the side of the thing one night,

00:27:12.680 and you got to talk with them for an hour.

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00:27:59.180 Anyway, so I want to know more.

00:28:00.460 Sorry, man.

00:28:00.860 I don't talk too much.

00:28:02.080 The Rogan thing, it was great.

00:28:03.440 You go in and the nerves.

00:28:04.900 It was just me.

00:28:06.100 And, again, he does three hours every fucking day.

00:28:09.620 Right.

00:28:09.780 So this is literally nothing to him.

00:28:11.440 Yeah.

00:28:11.820 It's just like any conversation you'd have with anybody.

00:28:14.220 But on the other side of the table, there's a dude that's like, this is it.

00:28:17.580 This is my fucking thing.

00:28:18.900 I finally get to get my SNL story out to the whole public.

00:28:21.640 Yeah.

00:28:21.800 Like, here we go.

00:28:23.400 I started telling it, and I was like, in my head.

00:28:25.580 You know when you're doing stand-up and you're bombing?

00:28:27.200 Yeah.

00:28:27.360 And you're just thinking.

00:28:28.480 And while you're telling your shitty jokes, you're in your head like, what the fuck am I doing?

00:28:32.780 Yeah.

00:28:33.040 That's how it felt.

00:28:33.720 Like, I was fully talking.

00:28:35.420 Oh, that's the worst.

00:28:36.120 You know, when you're thinking, you have a whole different conversation in your head.

00:28:38.240 Oh, totally.

00:28:39.000 While you're talking.

00:28:39.660 This isn't going well.

00:28:40.080 What's going on?

00:28:41.500 Terrible.

00:28:41.860 How do I look?

00:28:42.600 What's going on?

00:28:42.940 The least I can do is look decent if I'm not going to sound good.

00:28:46.000 No, and I looked foolish.

00:28:47.140 Should I have worn a hat?

00:28:48.100 No, you looked fine, man.

00:28:49.020 And then I'm up there, and it's-

00:28:50.520 You did well.

00:28:51.220 Did he start off?

00:28:52.260 Did you feel uncomfortable?

00:28:53.400 Because sometimes-

00:28:53.820 Yeah, I didn't feel like he wasn't-

00:28:55.320 Yeah, it was just me.

00:28:56.480 It was my idea of how things would go.

00:28:58.980 He didn't do anything wrong.

00:29:00.840 Right.

00:29:00.960 You know?

00:29:01.260 He's just talking.

00:29:02.340 Right.

00:29:02.500 But he didn't know the other guy across the table was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:29:06.480 Did you write any words on your hand or anything?

00:29:07.260 Because I looked like I wasn't crazy.

00:29:08.460 Did you have a cheat sheet?

00:29:09.500 No.

00:29:10.160 No, I looked like I was having a good time, but in my head, I was like, oh, no.

00:29:15.860 So he had no idea.

00:29:17.400 He had no idea.

00:29:17.900 Then we get done.

00:29:18.440 And I'm like, fuck, I blew it, didn't I?

00:29:20.240 He was like, what are you talking about, dude?

00:29:22.600 Yeah.

00:29:23.540 I think-

00:29:24.220 I bet everybody says that to him.

00:29:26.180 That's not like probably a sociopath or something, you know?

00:29:29.940 Yeah, for sure.

00:29:30.840 Especially going in as a comic that's under him.

00:29:34.860 You know what I mean?

00:29:35.340 Like, I'm a newer comic, and I'm not going to say anything to him that he's going to be like, oh, wow, I never thought of it like that.

00:29:41.420 You know what I mean?

00:29:42.140 There's nothing I can tell him about comedy.

00:29:44.360 Right.

00:29:44.740 Which is all I-

00:29:45.500 That's the only thing we could talk about.

00:29:46.960 Right.

00:29:47.220 You know?

00:29:48.600 Yeah, man.

00:29:49.260 Those nerves of like, and then sometimes-

00:29:51.220 I'll get it back.

00:29:51.520 I'll get it back.

00:29:52.120 I'll get one back.

00:29:52.780 Oh, you'll go back.

00:29:53.300 Hopefully.

00:29:53.760 Yeah, you will.

00:29:54.620 Yeah, next time I'm coming in hot.

00:29:56.900 I'll be like, listen, motherfucker.

00:29:58.360 You better never make me feel insecure again, dude, even though it had nothing to do with you.

00:30:02.680 I'm different, man.

00:30:03.900 Yeah, yeah.

00:30:04.760 Maybe tell him next time that you felt nervous.

00:30:06.760 Yeah.

00:30:06.920 I think I did that one time.

00:30:07.940 I think I maybe told him that I felt nervous.

00:30:09.360 I said it.

00:30:09.660 I said it 10 times.

00:30:10.840 Yeah.

00:30:11.140 The whole fucking show.

00:30:12.220 Yeah.

00:30:12.720 Good.

00:30:13.160 Then that's real.

00:30:13.760 But yeah, I mean, it was at least real.

00:30:16.320 Oh, yeah.

00:30:17.360 Yeah.

00:30:17.760 Yeah, man.

00:30:18.300 That story was fascinating, the SNL story.

00:30:21.100 And then last night you said that you and Lauren still keep in touch a little bit.

00:30:23.680 Oh, yeah.

00:30:24.260 Yeah.

00:30:24.580 That's great.

00:30:24.960 Yeah, I'll text her sometime.

00:30:26.240 Yeah, we chat a little.

00:30:27.380 Bro, I got fired from BJ's Pizza, dude, when I was a kid.

00:30:31.060 We were doing like this under the dishwater contest, kind of me and this other guy, bro.

00:30:34.440 That's great.

00:30:34.940 We got laid off, but-

00:30:37.040 What was the contest?

00:30:38.200 Just be under there as much as you can.

00:30:39.620 Oh, you get physically, you get in the dishwasher.

00:30:41.740 Yeah, yeah, you got to stay in.

00:30:42.800 Yeah, that's a fireball.

00:30:43.780 Yeah, dude.

00:30:44.620 You're gone.

00:30:45.580 Bro, it was like the big, it was like the final one, and I got fucking, I got laid off

00:30:50.340 after that, but I never talked to that guy again, Wayne that hired me there.

00:30:55.060 No, I don't talk to those people.

00:30:56.660 I got fired from several jobs, several jobs, and I just never, I'm done.

00:31:01.680 Yeah.

00:31:01.880 We're done.

00:31:02.720 There was one, I worked at a nursery, it was like for plants.

00:31:07.920 Oh, yeah.

00:31:08.380 Not for kids, like plants, and one of the, I worked in the patio department, so I was

00:31:12.780 like putting together, like, they just put me in a warehouse, and they were like, put

00:31:15.540 together this furniture.

00:31:16.740 I would literally build one bench and just lay on it the rest of the day, and they came

00:31:21.940 back, they were like, you haven't made one thing.

00:31:23.920 I was just laying on a bench, they're like, you know you're fired, right?

00:31:26.080 I was like, yeah, fuck it, I'll head out.

00:31:29.200 Every day I would build one bench and lay on it.

00:31:31.920 It was great.

00:31:33.980 One bench Gillis, they still call them, man.

00:31:36.120 But, so then, what, but you and Lauren still keep in touch, though?

00:31:40.100 A little bit, yeah.

00:31:40.960 Right.

00:31:41.400 Yeah, for sure.

00:31:42.360 Did he feel bad, do you feel like?

00:31:44.020 I believe he did, but you never know.

00:31:46.600 Yeah.

00:31:46.920 You know.

00:31:47.600 Yeah, you never know.

00:31:48.380 You never know.

00:31:48.980 He could have been the one that was like, get rid of him, you know?

00:31:52.180 But from his, what I've heard is no.

00:31:55.020 Did you feel like whenever, like, you, like, that you were going through that, there was

00:31:58.880 nobody standing up for you, or did you feel like, did you have any thoughts like that?

00:32:04.000 Sometimes you feel like that, yeah.

00:32:05.860 Well, I feel like most of my life, most of the show is about that, so it's like, but

00:32:10.240 did you feel like, I mean, like, I just wonder what some of that was like, like, was there?

00:32:14.920 There's, yeah, there's one thing that's very surreal.

00:32:17.780 It's very surreal.

00:32:18.700 Yeah.

00:32:19.080 Even your story, listening to your story about going in there.

00:32:21.740 Yeah.

00:32:22.180 Sitting in there, I'm, like, in the story, I'm like, oh my God.

00:32:25.840 Yeah, when you're in the waiting room, like, because when you go audition, you're like,

00:32:29.060 I also never thought I'd get it.

00:32:30.460 I was literally, I was going in there, like, probably not going to get this.

00:32:34.040 Yeah.

00:32:34.440 I knew what I had done in the past.

00:32:36.560 Right.

00:32:36.920 You know?

00:32:37.760 I knew my crimes.

00:32:39.120 I couldn't believe I was in this fucking building.

00:32:42.360 And then, yeah, you walk in, you see that stage, you're like, holy shit, this is awesome.

00:32:47.320 Because I wasn't nervous until I saw that.

00:32:49.940 Oh, because it's the real stage from TV?

00:32:51.420 You do it on the, you audition on the main stage.

00:32:53.980 Oh, wow.

00:32:54.420 It was crazy.

00:32:55.520 But, uh.

00:32:56.400 Dang.

00:32:57.000 Yeah, it was cool.

00:32:57.700 It was cool.

00:32:58.540 It was really cool.

00:32:59.480 But then when you get canceled nationally, it's a very, also, it's a lot smaller than

00:33:04.220 you'd think.

00:33:04.720 It is?

00:33:05.280 It's very small.

00:33:06.680 That stage.

00:33:08.120 Wow.

00:33:08.580 I always thought it was huge.

00:33:09.580 Yeah.

00:33:10.080 It's pretty small.

00:33:10.720 Eddie Murphy had been on there.

00:33:11.580 Yeah.

00:33:12.860 Sorry to bring that up, but yeah, but he was on there.

00:33:14.800 So were you.

00:33:15.600 I was also on there.

00:33:16.800 You were on there.

00:33:17.400 Did you ever feel like you were a patsy, like it was a setup?

00:33:21.460 Did you ever think about that?

00:33:22.480 No.

00:33:23.040 I don't think so.

00:33:23.880 Unless it had something to do with Epstein.

00:33:26.740 Epstein was like that week.

00:33:28.460 My story overshadowed Epstein.

00:33:30.900 Ah.

00:33:32.100 You never know.

00:33:33.200 Oh, there's so much power out there.

00:33:34.860 Yeah.

00:33:34.920 We could easily say, hey, let's bring in a gentleman, a good gentleman.

00:33:38.940 And smear him.

00:33:40.020 But did that ever cross your mind or no?

00:33:43.560 No.

00:33:44.080 No.

00:33:44.460 Just from the way everybody talked leading up to it, before the cancel.

00:33:48.660 Like they weren't, they knew I wasn't like a conservative guy.

00:33:51.520 Right.

00:33:51.680 By their standards, yes, I am.

00:33:53.120 Of course.

00:33:53.540 But they weren't like, oh, let's get this guy because he likes Trump.

00:33:56.800 It's like, no.

00:33:57.360 I literally auditioned with a joke about Trump dying.

00:34:00.080 Right.

00:34:00.420 Being funny.

00:34:01.740 Right.

00:34:02.560 So.

00:34:03.960 Looking back, do you feel like there was anything you could have done different?

00:34:06.080 Or was this, this was the way that this was going to work out no matter what?

00:34:08.660 Uh, no.

00:34:10.400 I mean, I definitely wouldn't have changed what we did, our podcast, you know?

00:34:16.000 Yeah.

00:34:16.460 That's, yeah, that's how I got to New York.

00:34:18.780 Right.

00:34:19.420 So.

00:34:20.520 Yeah, it's interesting.

00:34:21.620 It's like, yeah, that was just the way, there was no other way it probably could have gone.

00:34:27.000 No.

00:34:27.580 Was there a chance?

00:34:28.300 I would be less funny if I was like pandering to try to be an improv SNL guy, you know?

00:34:34.540 Yeah.

00:34:35.200 That's a tough, that's a hard gig to be that guy.

00:34:38.340 To be like, oh, I'm silly.

00:34:40.240 Yeah.

00:34:40.700 It's a weird, you know?

00:34:42.480 Look at me, yeah.

00:34:43.740 I can't be that, yeah.

00:34:44.980 And Leslie Jones, I like watching on there because at least she has her own charisma.

00:34:49.600 Oh, for sure.

00:34:50.200 There's definitely people on there.

00:34:51.520 I'm talking about the people trying to get on there.

00:34:53.500 Oh, yeah.

00:34:53.860 Like the improv world and the alt comedy world, they're kind of like, I don't know.

00:34:59.120 It's not me.

00:34:59.680 Who dropped these raisins in the car?

00:35:01.100 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:01.660 Just going on stage and being meta every time about comedy.

00:35:05.180 You know what I mean?

00:35:05.620 When they do stand-up where they're like, isn't stand-up comedy stupid?

00:35:08.660 It's like.

00:35:10.340 Yeah.

00:35:10.920 Yeah.

00:35:11.420 I like it, but sure.

00:35:13.400 Whatever.

00:35:14.200 No, it's interesting.

00:35:14.920 And I hope I'm not bringing up any bad feelings.

00:35:16.880 I'm not trying to.

00:35:17.860 No, I don't care.

00:35:18.500 Okay, cool.

00:35:19.320 Yeah.

00:35:19.520 Thanks for being willing to talk about it, man.

00:35:20.980 Yeah, I don't care at all.

00:35:22.460 Yeah, I don't have any experiences like that except for experiences of learning that I felt

00:35:29.000 like Hollywood, a lot of the stuff in there wasn't, didn't fit me.

00:35:32.340 Yeah.

00:35:32.680 That's the only thing I've learned over the years, like going to auditions and like trying

00:35:36.060 to be like, oh, I'm just a good guy that could be there next door if you need something,

00:35:40.840 you know, for years driving over and doing that and walking in and knowing in my gut the

00:35:46.080 whole time that it wasn't me.

00:35:47.080 That was the nice thing was when I got canceled was no more auditions.

00:35:52.160 I'm happy about that.

00:35:53.260 I fucking hate auditions, dude.

00:35:55.120 They're so bad.

00:35:56.680 When you got to submit a fucking self-tape of you reading lines and then just know they're

00:36:01.900 floating around somewhere like somebody's going to get a hold of one, it's going to

00:36:05.340 be you reading lines.

00:36:06.920 Yeah.

00:36:07.260 And you know there's some perv out there and you know this.

00:36:10.080 Some guy that's just jerking off to me.

00:36:11.300 But I mean, just freaking.

00:36:14.840 Yeah.

00:36:15.720 Some dude has got definitely just got to be.

00:36:20.060 Let me just get it.

00:36:20.540 Cranking off the auditions.

00:36:22.040 Definitely.

00:36:23.240 Because I remember I sent one one time.

00:36:25.240 It was a they had to do you had to do a Shirley Temple thing.

00:36:29.700 A song from Shirley Temple.

00:36:31.400 Right.

00:36:32.600 Bring up a Shirley Temple shot, please.

00:36:34.400 You can bring up a temple.

00:36:35.320 And I remember mailing that off to somebody, emailing that video off to somebody, me singing

00:36:41.840 on a good ship lollipop.

00:36:43.220 And I was like, someone's going to.

00:36:45.600 So, oh, you jerked.

00:36:47.120 I heard you sang.

00:36:48.420 Shirley, you danced and.

00:36:49.800 I didn't dance, but I had to sing it.

00:36:50.980 Oh, okay.

00:36:51.280 They sent you the lines and I never knew what it was for.

00:36:54.320 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:55.600 But somebody somewhere has.

00:36:57.780 Shirley Temple has since passed.

00:36:59.360 How did Shirley Temple die?

00:37:00.860 That's a great question.

00:37:02.000 Woodside, California, the cause of death.

00:37:07.120 Oh, cigarette smoker.

00:37:08.760 Lifelong.

00:37:09.420 Really?

00:37:10.140 Yeah.

00:37:11.020 It was a lifelong cigarette smoker, but avoided displaying her habit in public.

00:37:15.020 She didn't want to say a bad example, but she smoked until.

00:37:17.460 On a good ship.

00:37:18.420 She made it to 85.

00:37:19.940 Lollipop.

00:37:20.500 I know.

00:37:20.760 That's a great example.

00:37:21.860 You should be like, look, it's not bad.

00:37:23.660 I made it.

00:37:24.960 They should put her on a Marlboro box or something.

00:37:27.900 Look who made it to 85.

00:37:28.780 It's a little kid.

00:37:29.140 It made it to 85.

00:37:30.160 Smoking.

00:37:30.680 Chain smoking.

00:37:32.000 Through all that fucking.

00:37:32.860 On a sunny beach in Peppermint Bay.

00:37:34.580 Yeah, all that 1940s Hollywood sexual assault.

00:37:38.360 She must have gotten fucking destroyed, dude.

00:37:41.340 Oh, my God.

00:37:43.720 One of my friends said yesterday he wished he could go back in time so he could beat his wife, right?

00:37:48.020 And I thought that was the most insane thing I'd ever heard, eh?

00:37:51.040 Yeah.

00:37:51.220 But, yeah, the things that women went through in the past, I cannot even fathom.

00:37:56.360 All the missing women.

00:37:57.860 In the 70s, you could just drive up and pick a woman up.

00:38:01.100 Yeah.

00:38:01.560 And they never would.

00:38:02.520 Yeah, you could just take her out to the woods and beat her.

00:38:04.940 Just crazy, man.

00:38:05.640 Just whale her.

00:38:07.580 It's crazy.

00:38:08.140 There's nothing funny about that.

00:38:09.500 He's getting hard.

00:38:11.160 He's going to jerk off.

00:38:12.360 We're going to jar one out of him.

00:38:13.860 Don't say that to that guy.

00:38:15.440 He's going to friggin' spray beef jerky out of his body at this point, dude.

00:38:20.080 It's going to be crazy.

00:38:21.360 You ever not jerk off for like three days?

00:38:23.140 It's like, whoa.

00:38:24.240 I still got it.

00:38:25.260 Imagine 23 years.

00:38:27.040 Can't even imagine, huh?

00:38:28.180 Those Shirley Temples got you fired up a little.

00:38:30.400 Oh, I'll tickle the back of my leg.

00:38:33.140 And he'll be spraying Orange Julius in his joint, dude.

00:38:37.420 But, yeah, man, thanks so much for letting me get up on your show.

00:38:40.180 Yeah, it's a good podcast.

00:38:42.480 Yeah.

00:38:43.620 I was excited.

00:38:44.340 You honored me, dude.

00:38:45.520 What were we talking about?

00:38:46.320 I appreciate it.

00:38:46.620 We were talking about, I was hired and fired by Saturday Night Live, and I got canceled.

00:38:50.960 Yeah.

00:38:52.780 And it doesn't feel good when you get canceled.

00:38:54.900 It hurts your feelings.

00:38:55.900 It did.

00:38:56.260 It makes you feel small.

00:38:59.800 Was the scary part about, what about the articles and then suddenly your name is out there in such a way?

00:39:05.860 That was crazy.

00:39:06.540 Because I was never anything.

00:39:08.640 Right.

00:39:09.120 I did like new faces that year.

00:39:11.800 Wow.

00:39:12.060 And then all of a sudden it was like, you're getting, I was, that was what fucked me up, was like the comments.

00:39:17.860 Now I, now I read comments.

00:39:19.240 I always read comments.

00:39:19.900 I've been stuck reading comments.

00:39:21.540 I can't stop reading comments.

00:39:22.940 And it doesn't like destroy me anymore.

00:39:24.780 I'm starting to get, but it comes and goes.

00:39:26.580 Like, I'll be like, all right, it doesn't bother me at all.

00:39:28.840 And then every once in a while somebody will get a fucking dagger on me.

00:39:31.700 And I'm just like, ooh.

00:39:32.500 But I would read like articles and stuff and I, I would have like dreams.

00:39:38.480 I was having like nightmares about like articles and comments and all that shit.

00:39:43.860 It was crazy.

00:39:45.100 Damn.

00:39:45.580 Yeah.

00:39:46.080 Which is so crazy to see your name that it's like, it's so much bigger.

00:39:49.500 It feels so much bigger than you.

00:39:50.880 You're like, I'm just one person with, and.

00:39:54.700 Yeah.

00:39:55.000 And it was all, it was, it was funny sometimes.

00:39:57.340 Like it was very funny sometimes.

00:39:58.920 Like, cause it was with my friend Matt.

00:40:00.600 So like, I'd be like, oh shit.

00:40:02.760 You remember we said that?

00:40:03.880 Like, I totally forgot about that.

00:40:05.160 And then there'd be an article that's like, Judd Apatow's gayer than ISIS.

00:40:08.180 And we're like, oh shit.

00:40:10.020 That's pretty funny.

00:40:10.960 But you know, I feel bad that shouldn't have, you know, sucks that he's got to see that.

00:40:15.400 Yeah.

00:40:15.720 Who, Judd Apatow?

00:40:16.420 Yeah.

00:40:16.940 Nah.

00:40:17.600 True.

00:40:17.960 Yeah.

00:40:18.060 I don't think, he had, he didn't care, obviously.

00:40:20.060 Right.

00:40:22.200 Which is nice of him.

00:40:24.180 Yeah, yeah.

00:40:24.820 Cause I was down.

00:40:25.660 He could have been like, fuck that guy.

00:40:27.360 Yeah, but he'd have chimed in also.

00:40:29.720 You ever get canceled?

00:40:30.420 You're going to get canceled, do you think?

00:40:31.980 We'll see how this episode does.

00:40:33.920 Yes.

00:40:35.160 This is going all right.

00:40:36.440 Yeah.

00:40:36.940 I feel like, do you feel like we've said anything cancelable?

00:40:39.000 No.

00:40:39.780 That's a good thing about you is, it's like I can ask you.

00:40:42.600 Yeah, yeah, no.

00:40:43.440 Where are we at on the.

00:40:44.400 We're good.

00:40:45.040 Okay.

00:40:45.340 Okay, good, okay.

00:40:46.280 We're good.

00:40:46.940 So far, we're good.

00:40:48.760 We were getting close with the picking up women and beating them to death.

00:40:52.240 Although that was more me than you.

00:40:53.440 I'll give you that.

00:40:53.880 I was here for it.

00:40:54.840 The beating them to death part was me.

00:40:56.320 Yeah.

00:40:56.540 You said you could just go around and pick them up.

00:40:58.680 And that you wished you had lived back then so that you could drive around and abduct women.

00:41:03.620 My friend said that.

00:41:04.600 No, you said that.

00:41:05.240 I don't know if I did.

00:41:06.340 I think you did.

00:41:06.760 Oh, I said it.

00:41:07.660 I believe you said it.

00:41:08.660 Okay.

00:41:08.900 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:09.240 I could have said it, but I've been watching these Ted Bundy things at night and looking

00:41:13.820 at some of his artwork.

00:41:14.980 You know, he did really good artwork.

00:41:16.300 A question came in right here.

00:41:17.640 Do you want to play this?

00:41:20.160 Some of his artwork.

00:41:21.560 Oh, he did a lot of artwork.

00:41:22.620 Isn't that crazy?

00:41:22.920 Isn't that weird about all these killers?

00:41:24.880 This is what my fans look like.

00:41:26.660 Oh, dang.

00:41:27.320 Just so you know.

00:41:28.440 Is this your opener, Stephen?

00:41:30.520 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:31.220 It looks like it.

00:41:33.300 What's up, Theo?

00:41:34.200 What's up, Nick?

00:41:35.460 Maybe not.

00:41:36.100 Huge fans this past weekend.

00:41:38.060 I'm out here in beautiful Philadelphia, cutting lawns and hedging bushes today.

00:41:46.320 I got my tan going, my John Lennon sunglasses.

00:41:50.560 Oh, this guy is.

00:41:51.500 So my question today for Shane is, I know you came up in Philadelphia, so I wanted to know,

00:41:59.400 you know, I've been having this problem.

00:42:01.780 I wanted to know, how many beers does it take you to get incoherently drunk?

00:42:08.120 It seems to me, every time I go out, I tell myself I'm going to take it easy, but I overdo

00:42:14.440 it.

00:42:15.480 So yeah, my question, when you're sucking down those BLs, those Bud Lights, how long does

00:42:20.620 it take you, and how many does it take you before you're not able to talk?

00:42:27.100 Thanks, guys.

00:42:28.020 Gang, gang.

00:42:28.520 Buzz, buzz.

00:42:29.860 Gang, bro.

00:42:30.460 That's a good question.

00:42:31.580 That is a great question.

00:42:32.640 It usually, last night I got pretty drunk on Bud Lights.

00:42:36.100 Yeah.

00:42:36.500 I saw you had a couple last night.

00:42:37.380 I had a couple, yeah.

00:42:38.160 I came out to see you when you left.

00:42:39.500 I was like, he's T.O.

00:42:41.860 You're like, man, good luck on the special taping.

00:42:43.220 Good luck on the special.

00:42:44.140 I'm like, I'm going to see you tomorrow morning.

00:42:46.040 I was like, I'm a fucking idiot, dude.

00:42:49.520 I'm sorry.

00:42:50.200 I fucking, uh.

00:42:51.440 It was awesome.

00:42:52.420 Yeah, we went to Santa's karaoke.

00:42:56.320 It was fucking great.

00:42:57.680 The place is great.

00:42:58.880 Oh, my God.

00:42:59.500 It's perfect.

00:42:59.980 Do you drink?

00:43:00.460 I got to go, uh-uh.

00:43:01.440 You don't drink?

00:43:02.200 Right now, I got like 65 days.

00:43:04.020 Oh, shit.

00:43:04.680 So I'm off.

00:43:05.140 I did just buy this vape.

00:43:08.560 That's good.

00:43:09.160 They're fine.

00:43:09.940 You're fine.

00:43:10.800 I'll feel bad about it, I'm sure, later on in the day.

00:43:12.860 You got to have something.

00:43:14.040 You're not jerking off or drinking?

00:43:15.800 Oh, I'm jerking off.

00:43:16.740 I'm just trying not to.

00:43:18.740 And it is impossible, dude.

00:43:20.620 Don't do that.

00:43:21.220 Don't do that.

00:43:21.640 If I had one arm.

00:43:22.420 Don't put that pressure on yourself.

00:43:24.040 I know.

00:43:24.400 That's the problem.

00:43:24.980 I put too much pressure on myself.

00:43:26.140 I know, man.

00:43:26.620 What are you doing?

00:43:28.080 To answer the question, probably around 20.

00:43:31.040 Really?

00:43:31.580 If it, to get like incoherent.

00:43:33.660 And this is over the course of like 7 o'clock show, we're out till 3 a.m.

00:43:39.080 Yeah.

00:43:40.640 And it's Bud Light.

00:43:41.820 Yeah.

00:43:42.420 You know?

00:43:42.960 Do you, can you still be sexually active at a certain number of beers?

00:43:46.800 No.

00:43:47.280 Yeah, me neither.

00:43:48.140 No.

00:43:49.100 After like four beers.

00:43:50.400 Wow.

00:43:50.800 It's trouble.

00:43:51.480 Yeah, it gets dicey.

00:43:52.260 And then it gets in my head.

00:43:53.220 Oh.

00:43:53.460 And then it's in my head.

00:43:54.360 I'm like, I'm not going to be able to get hard.

00:43:56.080 I'm going to look fucking stupid.

00:43:57.580 Huh?

00:43:58.160 Yeah.

00:43:58.580 And that's when you need an old gal.

00:44:00.820 Disgusting.

00:44:01.300 Yeah, yeah.

00:44:01.840 She's like, don't you worry.

00:44:02.780 She's like, don't even worry about your penis.

00:44:05.120 She's Hebrew for some reason.

00:44:06.440 Dude, what?

00:44:06.760 One night, I was with Mark McGuire.

00:44:12.740 Is that who that guy was?

00:44:13.840 No.

00:44:14.380 Jim McMahon.

00:44:15.520 Mark McGuire.

00:44:18.040 The old Chicago bear, right?

00:44:20.080 And he had this lady who was kind of older than him, okay, sitting outside.

00:44:25.320 And he's just literally, he would drink a beer in one sip, bro.

00:44:29.520 He would drink a beer in one sip.

00:44:32.260 Didn't he just get like cancer?

00:44:35.500 Right there with the glasses.

00:44:36.540 That's the one I spoke with.

00:44:38.060 Yeah, I thought it was Mark McGuire doing it for like an hour, right?

00:44:42.400 McGuire's awesome.

00:44:43.340 They're both awesome.

00:44:44.240 He answered all the questions I had about Mark McGuire, about him.

00:44:46.360 Yeah.

00:44:46.760 So it was almost like, holy shit.

00:44:47.460 Oh, you were like, man, it wasn't like hitting all those home runs.

00:44:49.480 He was probably like, this guy doesn't know what a touchdown is.

00:44:51.800 It was great.

00:44:52.740 Yeah, this is out of his mind.

00:44:54.500 But he said, yeah, he had this lady who liked to eat his butt that was with him

00:44:58.960 that was older than him.

00:45:00.040 And that was kind of crazy.

00:45:02.000 You ever do stuff like that?

00:45:03.140 Get your buddy?

00:45:04.080 I don't really get into a lot of stuff like that, man.

00:45:06.240 You don't want to put that out there publicly.

00:45:08.320 Oh, no.

00:45:08.960 You mean you don't do it?

00:45:10.740 I don't do it.

00:45:11.420 I don't really.

00:45:11.960 I mean, I would be, it would take, I'd have to be at like a, I'd have to be at like a

00:45:16.680 retreat or something.

00:45:17.620 Sure.

00:45:17.880 I think.

00:45:18.600 Some type of vacation or like a rehab facility.

00:45:23.080 Oh.

00:45:23.880 Get your ass in a rehab facility.

00:45:27.340 That'd be a decent place to get it though if things are going bad.

00:45:30.400 Someone ends up eating your ass while you're like.

00:45:32.380 But here's the weird thing.

00:45:35.440 One of my friends who you know who's a big podcaster told me that he does it and he lays

00:45:39.880 on his back and gets it like that.

00:45:41.680 Oh, he puts his legs up?

00:45:43.920 What big podcaster?

00:45:44.920 I couldn't even finish eating.

00:45:46.100 Tell it name.

00:45:47.100 I couldn't even finish.

00:45:49.020 Expose this man.

00:45:49.740 I couldn't even finish.

00:45:50.280 Get him out of our community.

00:45:51.580 I couldn't even finish.

00:45:52.340 We don't need these guys.

00:45:56.740 We don't need guys like this.

00:45:58.260 That's a predator.

00:45:59.140 Oh, it broke my heart, man.

00:46:00.500 When he said it and I think I was trying to be supportive and we were having lunch and

00:46:03.920 God, it just broke my heart.

00:46:06.320 That he got his ass, he legs up?

00:46:08.160 He said he held his legs like that.

00:46:09.340 It was just a lot.

00:46:10.040 It was a lot for me to just take on.

00:46:12.980 It's a lot.

00:46:14.420 And I feel bad saying this in front of Riley over there.

00:46:17.440 I know.

00:46:18.780 Just a lot.

00:46:19.800 But anyway, man.

00:46:22.740 What were we talking about?

00:46:24.260 I got hired and fired by Saturday Night Live.

00:46:26.520 Oh, yeah.

00:46:29.400 Yeah, it was a traumatic experience.

00:46:33.360 But I feel like, do you feel like there is any positives from it over time?

00:46:38.560 For sure.

00:46:38.860 Have you started to notice any positives?

00:46:40.200 I noticed positives immediately.

00:46:42.440 Did you really?

00:46:42.920 Yeah, for sure.

00:46:43.420 You go on stage and people are like, oh, shit.

00:46:45.440 This is who this is.

00:46:47.460 This is a guy.

00:46:48.220 Oh, wow.

00:46:48.780 So you went from-

00:46:49.440 I had zero.

00:46:50.640 And then to like, oh, this guy's good.

00:46:53.660 Or like, not good, but this is a fucking freak.

00:46:56.760 This is who he is.

00:46:57.480 This is the thing.

00:46:58.160 Yeah.

00:46:58.800 This is lobster boy.

00:46:59.240 We get to see this freak.

00:47:00.500 Yeah.

00:47:00.740 Yeah.

00:47:01.200 But then it's in your head when it's happening.

00:47:03.540 Because you see people, like at any show, people talk to each other, like whisper at

00:47:07.160 the table, and they're like, are you fucking talking about me, motherfucker?

00:47:10.020 And they're like, who are you?

00:47:11.480 I'm like, you know.

00:47:12.640 You know what I did?

00:47:15.260 You motherfucker.

00:47:18.060 Yeah.

00:47:18.520 So you'd be up there.

00:47:19.580 You just, you're in your head constantly.

00:47:21.160 Oh.

00:47:21.440 And then it's in like, you meet people that are all, you know, comedians in New York.

00:47:25.740 And I'm like, oh, this fucker hates me probably, or they probably talk shit or whatever.

00:47:30.920 So it's just constant.

00:47:32.240 And nobody cares.

00:47:33.160 No one else cares.

00:47:34.540 It's just you.

00:47:35.560 Right.

00:47:35.880 I wonder what most people feel or think.

00:47:37.940 I guess you never know.

00:47:38.760 It's weird how, it's like, yeah, do people even really care?

00:47:44.340 It's almost like a lot of the cancel stuff, it's not even a real thing.

00:47:47.760 It's just, no one cares.

00:47:49.160 No one really cared about what you said.

00:47:51.360 Yeah.

00:47:51.980 No one did.

00:47:53.500 I never once was confronted by one person that cared.

00:47:56.560 Really?

00:47:56.980 It was always just like, well, you should have been fired.

00:47:59.740 You can't do it.

00:48:00.500 It's like, all right, whatever.

00:48:02.000 It's kind of weird.

00:48:02.840 It's like this, it's like this invisible rule book.

00:48:06.180 It is.

00:48:06.500 Yes, and we're trying, like, right now, like with me trying to sell anything or like work

00:48:12.740 on anything, like a show or anything, people are very like, well, we like you, but, you

00:48:17.580 know, we can't get in trouble.

00:48:19.900 Right.

00:48:20.400 It's like, no one cares about, nobody's like, the reason we're not picking you up is because

00:48:24.460 what you did was wrong.

00:48:26.000 They're just like, well, we don't want to get in trouble.

00:48:28.180 It's so weird.

00:48:28.880 You know?

00:48:29.140 It's like a weird pussy.

00:48:31.580 There's this invisible principle.

00:48:33.140 It's because every time, yeah, someone's like, ooh.

00:48:35.860 Yeah.

00:48:36.100 Like once, the whole world's like, ooh.

00:48:41.180 Yeah.

00:48:41.880 God, that, so do you, does that deter your, any of like your thoughts for future stuff?

00:48:47.820 I mean, I see you creating awesome stuff, dude.

00:48:49.720 Yeah, it's always.

00:48:50.160 The Trump speed dating thing was hilarious, bro.

00:48:55.460 Yeah.

00:48:55.660 And you have, I was so bummed because I'm like, damn, you have such a great look for

00:48:59.900 like being like a new, like Daryl Hammond or there's nobody on these shows that looks

00:49:04.600 like anybody that I've grew up with or something.

00:49:07.400 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:07.520 It's like this guy, this kid, this is the guy.

00:49:11.200 Yeah, there's definitely like, especially nowadays, you can just make your own thing.

00:49:14.660 Right.

00:49:14.780 Like, look at this.

00:49:16.120 Right.

00:49:16.340 You know, so it's not, and also there's what, like, I don't, do I want to be on a fucking

00:49:21.420 sitcom?

00:49:23.040 Some, no, I don't, I'm good.

00:49:25.380 Yeah.

00:49:25.700 Some of those days are, it's interesting.

00:49:27.140 Some of those days are kind of over for a lot of comedians.

00:49:28.700 Yes.

00:49:29.680 Right.

00:49:30.200 Yes.

00:49:31.700 I would be on Black-ish or whatever.

00:49:34.260 Right.

00:49:34.660 I'll do it.

00:49:35.280 Yeah.

00:49:35.660 But no, that would suck.

00:49:38.260 I'd say yes, probably.

00:49:39.800 But I wonder if it would suck to be on a sitcom.

00:49:42.260 I don't know.

00:49:44.600 I think just the product you're creating.

00:49:45.980 I haven't worked in a long time.

00:49:48.260 Having to work, even when we're filming our own stuff, is like, this is hard.

00:49:52.420 That's hard.

00:49:53.020 I just stand for a day.

00:49:54.740 Yeah.

00:49:55.260 Crazy.

00:49:56.220 It's hard, dude.

00:49:56.860 Doing that kind of stuff is hard.

00:49:58.340 Yeah.

00:49:58.540 You just got to go sit in your trailer and it sounds like it's all going to be nice

00:50:01.240 and it's this thing.

00:50:01.940 I think aesthetically or aesthetically, it looks nice to people like on Instagram.

00:50:08.520 It looks cool.

00:50:09.140 I'm in my trailer.

00:50:10.140 We're doing craft services.

00:50:11.360 But it's just a lot of waiting.

00:50:14.100 Yeah.

00:50:14.300 A lot of waiting.

00:50:15.320 Yeah.

00:50:16.640 That's all it is.

00:50:17.420 It's not like, obviously, we're not comparing it to fucking roofing.

00:50:20.520 Right.

00:50:20.920 But it's not cool.

00:50:22.940 It's not as fun as you think.

00:50:24.080 Right.

00:50:24.220 After the first hour of being on set on anything, you're like, fuck.

00:50:29.040 Yeah.

00:50:29.200 What do I do now?

00:50:29.840 Let's get this done.

00:50:30.980 This is going to be a long day.

00:50:32.900 But yeah.

00:50:33.700 Yeah.

00:50:34.040 I think that happens a lot, man.

00:50:36.160 And my experience has been, yeah.

00:50:37.580 Then it's just you're in your trailer.

00:50:38.760 You're in your trailer.

00:50:40.340 You don't have a trailer.

00:50:41.240 You're just standing somewhere eating peanuts and eating M&Ms.

00:50:44.360 You're getting mic'd up saying all types of wild shit.

00:50:46.740 That's the worst.

00:50:47.840 Talking shit on the sound guy who's literally just listening.

00:50:51.840 The guy who was like cross-eyed.

00:50:54.280 I kept talking shit on this dude.

00:50:56.880 And then finally someone was like, I was like, dude, I was just fucking playing with you.

00:51:04.440 You know, I was fucking around.

00:51:05.800 You know, it's hard to figure what gift you want to get somebody.

00:51:10.980 Somebody, you might know somebody at your house.

00:51:13.280 Could be your wife or husband.

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00:51:18.460 I got to help them out.

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00:53:07.860 It's BS.

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00:54:06.300 And now, back to the episode.

00:54:07.940 That's it.

00:54:08.400 We got a question that came in right here from some young gentleman right here.

00:54:11.440 Oh, nice.

00:54:12.240 What's going on, Theo?

00:54:13.580 What's going on, Shane?

00:54:14.620 My name is Cody from Houston, Texas.

00:54:16.800 And my question for Shane is, what advice would you give to an aspiring young comedian

00:54:23.280 who has no life skills and delivers pizza for a living?

00:54:27.820 At least, gang, gang.

00:54:32.280 You should give him the advice.

00:54:34.800 Well, you got to get canceled, bro, I think.

00:54:37.420 True.

00:54:38.040 To start.

00:54:39.040 Yeah.

00:54:39.600 Bro, you do something.

00:54:40.700 You, you know, do something a little edgy.

00:54:44.140 Do something.

00:54:45.140 Deliver a pizza.

00:54:46.220 Yeah, that's shaped like an illegal symbol from Germany.

00:54:49.900 From a symbol on it.

00:54:50.820 Yeah.

00:54:51.700 Deliver a pizza.

00:54:52.540 Somebody did that.

00:54:53.460 They did?

00:54:54.040 Yes.

00:54:54.600 Oh, damn.

00:54:55.300 Yeah, with pepperonis, dude.

00:54:56.640 I saw it.

00:54:57.140 Oh, really?

00:54:57.500 I saw it.

00:54:58.120 Somebody got in trouble for this.

00:54:59.200 Oh, damn.

00:54:59.780 Please look up swastika pizza.

00:55:01.420 Oh, damn.

00:55:02.060 Please Google that, dude.

00:55:04.280 Yes, look at that.

00:55:04.980 Oh, man.

00:55:07.560 And the irony is it's made out of pork, isn't it?

00:55:11.380 So that's a double entendre right there, man.

00:55:13.980 Yeah, that's bad news.

00:55:16.020 Yeah, that is a bad news pizza, bro.

00:55:19.460 Little Caesars fires two workers.

00:55:24.700 And you know how it went.

00:55:26.060 Oh, I've talked about it.

00:55:26.880 You know how it went.

00:55:27.880 One dude was like, I can't wait for him to pull this out of the oven and see that I ruined it.

00:55:32.280 And the other guy just must have pulled it out, not even fucking looked at it, thrown it in a box, shipped it.

00:55:37.780 And then the other guy's sitting there like, yo, what'd you do with that pizza?

00:55:41.840 He's like, dude, it's out.

00:55:43.580 It's tracking.

00:55:44.580 Oh, it's tracking.

00:55:45.760 You can watch.

00:55:46.640 They're like, oh, fuck.

00:55:47.480 It's at their house, dude.

00:55:48.400 Yeah, who are they?

00:55:50.360 What's their last name?

00:55:51.100 Look up their name.

00:55:51.700 Look up their name.

00:55:52.400 Oh, fuck.

00:55:53.620 Goldstein.

00:55:56.140 Jews don't eat fucking dominoes.

00:55:57.840 What the fuck?

00:55:58.800 You're like, is it B-U-R-G or B-E-R-G?

00:56:01.160 Which one is it?

00:56:03.040 Oh, man.

00:56:03.700 That is a freaking insane.

00:56:05.840 So, yeah.

00:56:06.600 The second.

00:56:06.940 Dude, opening that?

00:56:08.220 I'd be so happy.

00:56:09.740 If I got home, opened a pizza, I'd be like, holy shit, dude.

00:56:13.300 The dudes in Little Caesars are fucking wild now.

00:56:16.200 They're wilding out, man.

00:56:19.060 Look, there's the two workers.

00:56:22.300 Oh, wait.

00:56:22.920 No, that can't be the two workers, isn't it?

00:56:24.460 It has to be.

00:56:26.000 Would they just put two random people in there?

00:56:27.780 It could be the victims.

00:56:29.740 Little Caesars.

00:56:30.840 It's in Ohio.

00:56:31.800 Fire it up, dude.

00:56:36.200 How cancelable are we now that we're talking about this?

00:56:38.240 Little Caesars says we're deeply disappointed by the actions.

00:56:42.680 But bring up Little Caesars.

00:56:43.860 This guy looks a little third Reiki, I think.

00:56:46.200 Oh, for sure.

00:56:46.900 He's a little...

00:56:47.460 And look at them.

00:56:48.440 Mussolini.

00:56:49.000 The guy, definitely.

00:56:50.440 No, these are the victims.

00:56:54.160 Oh, these are the victims.

00:56:55.120 They receive his wife, Misty.

00:56:59.200 Oh, I love people that are named after kind of like weather, like kind of light climate conditions.

00:57:05.780 Misty, sunny, dusty.

00:57:08.380 Dusty.

00:57:09.160 So my husband stopped at Little Caesars name dropping for a quick bite.

00:57:13.720 Husband brings this home.

00:57:14.500 I'm truly disappointed.

00:57:15.660 Yeah.

00:57:16.980 Ah, fuck.

00:57:18.400 Fuck.

00:57:20.840 These aren't funny jokes and shouldn't be made.

00:57:24.320 It's true.

00:57:25.020 They're kind of funny jokes.

00:57:26.040 I mean, it's...

00:57:26.760 You don't think it's a funny joke?

00:57:27.880 Put a swastika on a Little Caesars pizza?

00:57:30.080 It's obviously a funny joke, dude.

00:57:32.320 It is funny.

00:57:33.620 It's fucking funny, yes.

00:57:34.720 I agree it's a fireball offense.

00:57:36.360 Right.

00:57:36.760 And this is the owner of Little Caesars?

00:57:38.940 Holy shit, dude.

00:57:40.000 He's got a Roman haircut.

00:57:41.880 Yeah, that is...

00:57:42.920 Holy shit, dude.

00:57:43.840 That's Caesar.

00:57:44.520 Bro, that's the drawing.

00:57:45.720 That's why.

00:57:46.280 Bring up the drawing.

00:57:47.020 It is.

00:57:49.080 I think that is him.

00:57:50.260 That's him.

00:57:51.440 Wow.

00:57:55.520 I just...

00:57:56.840 I wonder...

00:57:57.520 So, look, that's the crazy idea.

00:57:58.680 Little Caesars logo history.

00:58:00.120 If you wanted to be hateful, you have to be creative.

00:58:03.000 But I think, yeah, you've got to do something that's out of the box.

00:58:06.260 And that's going to be...

00:58:08.760 And then once you're...

00:58:10.420 And then I think you've got to wrap.

00:58:11.900 I think if you're going to go from having no...

00:58:14.420 You need to have something to come back with.

00:58:16.000 Oh, shit.

00:58:16.340 That guy does work at Domino's.

00:58:17.680 That is the guy we're talking about.

00:58:21.080 That is a chance he does toss a fucking symbol on a pizza.

00:58:24.920 Right.

00:58:25.640 Don't do that.

00:58:26.660 Well, what I would do now is do something in the other direction.

00:58:29.860 You've got to do a different type of symbol.

00:58:31.160 You know, I think you need to do like a mason if they have a symbol.

00:58:36.260 You could do a Star David and send it to the people that got the Nazi pizza and make it up to them.

00:58:41.760 You could do a...

00:58:43.160 I don't know what you could do.

00:58:46.520 It's kind of...

00:58:47.520 That's kind of the only symbol.

00:58:51.320 That's like a...

00:58:51.920 Yeah.

00:58:52.240 Like I remember when we were kids on a school bus, we drew swastikas on some kid named Scotty's T-shirt.

00:58:56.980 That's funny.

00:58:57.720 And he went into aftercare.

00:59:00.100 We didn't even know what the symbol meant or anything.

00:59:01.520 Of course.

00:59:02.340 We'd seen it on like pamphlets or whatever around town.

00:59:04.860 And then we drew it on his shirt.

00:59:07.700 Yeah.

00:59:08.060 And then he had to wash the shirt, right?

00:59:09.860 And so...

00:59:10.460 But he had to keep wearing it.

00:59:11.600 And so like it always had it on there a little bit.

00:59:13.940 It was crazy, man.

00:59:15.500 I drew a swastikas on my friend's forehead once.

00:59:17.560 He fell asleep.

00:59:18.360 No.

00:59:18.980 And he cried.

00:59:20.260 Wow.

00:59:20.820 Yeah.

00:59:21.400 That's that Charles Manson.

00:59:22.520 He has one.

00:59:23.500 Yeah.

00:59:24.640 Yeah.

00:59:25.000 So I think you got to do something.

00:59:26.040 You got to rap or do something.

00:59:27.120 I think you got to really...

00:59:29.260 Or come out of the closet via pizza.

00:59:31.080 You got to do something that's going to get you...

00:59:33.080 That's going to get your name out there.

00:59:35.500 So that's wild.

00:59:36.180 So you went from...

00:59:37.000 And then suddenly people know your name at least.

00:59:38.660 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:59:40.060 For sure.

00:59:40.620 Is it weird when you see SNL people around New York City?

00:59:44.860 Yeah, I'm friends with like Michael Che.

00:59:47.040 Right.

00:59:47.680 Yeah.

00:59:48.840 Did you ask any of them to put in a word for you?

00:59:51.680 No.

00:59:52.560 No, I didn't ask.

00:59:53.480 No.

00:59:53.820 Right.

00:59:54.760 What are they going to do?

00:59:56.740 Yeah.

00:59:57.100 And that's like a fucked up thing to ask.

00:59:58.480 Be like, hey, risk.

00:59:59.460 Will you risk something for me?

01:00:01.240 Like I was just...

01:00:03.300 While it happened, I was like, oh, I'm fired for sure.

01:00:06.080 And then it just got drawn out.

01:00:07.800 Like I knew I was fucked.

01:00:08.860 Yeah.

01:00:09.760 Because if they were mad about that, there's...

01:00:12.020 There's other stuff.

01:00:12.740 There's a lot.

01:00:13.360 Right.

01:00:14.140 Like this is, you know.

01:00:16.880 Do you think...

01:00:18.860 Do you think that you would have fired you?

01:00:26.480 No.

01:00:26.960 But under the rules, today's rules, yeah, you have to.

01:00:32.960 Those are the rules.

01:00:33.920 But if you want to...

01:00:35.040 You know what I mean?

01:00:35.600 That's what I've always tried to say.

01:00:36.920 Like I didn't...

01:00:37.360 I don't argue me getting fired.

01:00:39.780 Right.

01:00:40.020 Those are today's rules.

01:00:41.460 If you want to talk about like...

01:00:43.240 I would have to argue like we need to change the rules.

01:00:46.180 Right.

01:00:46.740 You know?

01:00:47.520 Yeah.

01:00:47.980 If that makes sense, I don't know if I'm explaining that correctly.

01:00:50.500 Yeah, I think so.

01:00:51.260 Whatever.

01:00:51.480 Like the rules are what's...

01:00:54.440 I...

01:00:54.960 This might not be what's wrong.

01:00:56.460 The rules...

01:00:57.480 There should be adjustment in the rules.

01:00:59.620 Yeah.

01:01:00.860 Well, it's so interesting when you take a stand up from what's okay to be on stage.

01:01:05.480 And then try to put it...

01:01:06.500 Because you weren't a sketch guy, really.

01:01:07.820 Or you were.

01:01:08.260 No.

01:01:08.920 No, not really.

01:01:09.520 So you're in that space suddenly.

01:01:13.480 And...

01:01:14.000 Do you feel like you were a good fit for the show?

01:01:17.800 Yeah, I think I could have been.

01:01:19.000 Yeah.

01:01:19.260 For sure.

01:01:19.560 I think I could have done well.

01:01:21.320 Yes.

01:01:21.480 I mean, we made sketches and I did okay in those.

01:01:24.340 Yeah.

01:01:24.620 So I think I could have.

01:01:25.740 And I think Lauren saw that and he was like, I think he could be good.

01:01:29.000 You know?

01:01:29.400 Yeah.

01:01:31.060 Or I could have been decent at Weekend Update.

01:01:33.680 Something like that.

01:01:34.320 Yeah.

01:01:34.500 That would have been cool.

01:01:35.880 That would have been fun.

01:01:37.480 But...

01:01:38.560 It's not the...

01:01:40.880 It's all right.

01:01:41.600 It's fine.

01:01:42.760 Truly, I never thought I'd get SNL or wanted it.

01:01:45.720 Right.

01:01:46.080 So it wasn't like, oh, my dreams are destroyed.

01:01:48.520 Right.

01:01:48.880 It was a surprise.

01:01:49.840 It was just like, oh, shit.

01:01:50.620 Nice.

01:01:50.860 I got something.

01:01:51.480 They were like, no, you don't.

01:01:52.300 I was like, all right.

01:01:53.640 Back to what I was doing.

01:01:54.840 Yeah.

01:01:55.940 Do you...

01:01:56.900 And what is this?

01:01:57.720 Here's a picture of you on stage with some other comedians.

01:01:59.660 Oh, nice.

01:02:01.660 That's...

01:02:02.060 Yeah, those are some SNL people.

01:02:05.940 And Dave Chappelle.

01:02:07.440 Oh, wow.

01:02:07.980 That's cool.

01:02:08.620 It was fun.

01:02:10.880 Did they do like a special thing for you back at the cellar or something when they got back?

01:02:15.100 Was there kind of like a...

01:02:15.920 Was that weird walking back into there?

01:02:17.020 I wasn't passed at the cellar.

01:02:18.260 Oh, you weren't?

01:02:18.720 No.

01:02:19.280 So this got you passed, you think?

01:02:21.120 It certainly helped.

01:02:22.420 I didn't get...

01:02:22.920 They weren't like, oh, nice.

01:02:23.860 You got canned.

01:02:24.240 In fact, it definitely kept them...

01:02:25.900 They chilled on me for like a year or two.

01:02:28.140 I just got passed at the cellar.

01:02:29.280 Oh, wow.

01:02:29.580 Congrats, man.

01:02:30.120 Yeah, yeah.

01:02:30.320 Thanks.

01:02:30.840 Was there anybody that reached out to you kind of that you were surprised by that was like

01:02:34.640 trying to be supportive?

01:02:36.360 Yeah, for sure.

01:02:37.180 Really?

01:02:37.460 There's a lot.

01:02:38.320 Yeah.

01:02:38.920 Wow.

01:02:39.340 Every...

01:02:40.020 Yeah.

01:02:41.580 A lot of people did.

01:02:42.300 Norm Macdonald was a cool one.

01:02:43.580 Really?

01:02:43.980 Yeah, that was a cool one.

01:02:45.300 I talked to him for like an hour.

01:02:46.500 No!

01:02:47.040 On the phone, yeah.

01:02:48.100 Wow.

01:02:48.380 It was crazy.

01:02:49.760 Yeah, he's the best.

01:02:50.420 What did he say?

01:02:51.360 He's another guy that's exactly who you think he is, you know?

01:02:54.520 Yeah.

01:02:54.840 He was just like, eh.

01:02:57.280 I don't know.

01:02:57.860 I don't want to put out the private stuff.

01:03:00.580 But yeah, he was awesome.

01:03:03.040 All that stuff.

01:03:03.840 All that stuff was cool.

01:03:04.820 It was cool stuff.

01:03:05.860 Cool stuff happened.

01:03:07.060 But it was, again, it was very surreal.

01:03:08.380 Like, I'd get off there, I'd be like, holy shit, that's like top five for me, favorite

01:03:12.760 comedians of all time.

01:03:14.560 I was just walking around my backyard talking to them.

01:03:17.340 And then I'd come back inside of my shitty apartment with my roommates, with my 35-year-old

01:03:22.500 male roommates.

01:03:24.040 And I'd sit back down and turn the news on and it's like, piece of shit, Shane Gillis

01:03:28.260 was fired.

01:03:29.180 What a terrible person he is.

01:03:31.580 And I mean, it was just very surreal.

01:03:33.060 So it was kind of like, I didn't even have time to be, like, sad.

01:03:37.300 It was just very stressful and, like, kind of funny when I was just with my friends.

01:03:41.760 Right.

01:03:42.260 You know?

01:03:43.380 Like, because they would just keep quoting and they kept trying to get us in more trouble

01:03:47.620 by finding old quotes.

01:03:49.760 Oh.

01:03:50.400 And every once in a while they would miss and they wouldn't be offensive and it would

01:03:53.640 just be funny.

01:03:54.520 Mm-hmm.

01:03:55.180 And they would publish them.

01:03:56.240 Like, a lady from the New York Times was like-

01:03:57.960 Oh, they're the worst.

01:03:58.200 He called civil women who fought in the Civil War secretly, flat-chested bitches.

01:04:04.820 And she, like, tweeted that.

01:04:06.540 And people were like, this is pretty funny stuff.

01:04:10.380 She was like, it's not funny.

01:04:12.960 Yeah, the New York, it made me hate the fuck, I hate journalists, dude.

01:04:16.220 Oh, that's the worst.

01:04:16.760 I fucking hate journalists so much.

01:04:17.460 LA Times and New York Times, it's the worst.

01:04:19.520 Yeah, it's like, what are you doing?

01:04:20.680 Knock it off.

01:04:22.180 Yeah.

01:04:22.660 Why?

01:04:22.980 Why are you trying to fuck somebody up?

01:04:25.740 I get it if you're doing it for, like, the greater good, if you're trying to, like-

01:04:28.700 Do you feel like people are, though?

01:04:30.360 That's-

01:04:30.740 I know, that's the tough part.

01:04:33.020 It's tough.

01:04:33.980 It's like, yeah, are we aiming to do all this stuff because we really, like, 50 years

01:04:38.280 from now, you want everybody to not have any judgments on each other or look at each

01:04:42.800 other in any-

01:04:45.180 Because the sacrifice to that, in the meantime, is humor a lot of times.

01:04:48.340 Yeah.

01:04:49.260 And humor's a risk.

01:04:50.360 Like, I always- The thing that was always funniest to me was telling a humor or doing

01:04:57.420 a humor when you- Right when it's not supposed to be done.

01:05:01.740 Like the guys at Little Caesars.

01:05:03.140 Yeah.

01:05:04.320 They're taking chances, dude.

01:05:06.080 Yeah, yeah.

01:05:06.540 They're taking a chance.

01:05:07.780 Yeah, they took a chance, man.

01:05:10.440 They somewhere-

01:05:11.580 They took a chance, dude.

01:05:12.920 And they are probably legends amongst their friends.

01:05:15.920 They are probably, truthfully, and look, never put a swastika on a pizza.

01:05:20.940 Right.

01:05:21.440 Not advocating that.

01:05:22.580 Yeah.

01:05:22.840 They deserved to be fired.

01:05:24.280 Yes.

01:05:24.580 That's a good cancel.

01:05:25.480 Yep.

01:05:25.880 There's a good cancel there.

01:05:27.240 Yeah, because it's dicey.

01:05:28.520 You're using product to push your own agenda.

01:05:31.960 But those dudes are probably funny.

01:05:34.340 Yeah, that's true.

01:05:34.860 There's no chance those dudes are not funny.

01:05:36.860 Yeah, that's true.

01:05:37.480 Because they're not real Nazis.

01:05:39.140 They're not.

01:05:39.620 Right.

01:05:39.820 If they were real Nazis, they're not putting swastikas on pizzas.

01:05:43.000 Right.

01:05:43.300 They're doing other worst stuff.

01:05:44.040 They understand how wildly funny it is for somebody to open a pizza box.

01:05:50.160 And be like, holy fuck.

01:05:52.640 And here's the crazy part.

01:05:53.580 And they're willing to risk their careers, dude.

01:05:57.420 It's so funny.

01:05:58.360 I'm sorry.

01:05:58.820 The word careers is also a unique word in there.

01:06:02.840 Yeah, but they're putting it on the line.

01:06:04.520 That's true.

01:06:04.840 They're all in.

01:06:05.580 That's a good point.

01:06:06.080 They're like, yo, I'm risking my Little Caesars job.

01:06:09.140 This is going to be funny.

01:06:10.820 It just blows up.

01:06:12.500 It's basically like German roulette is what it is a little bit.

01:06:17.520 You're right, man.

01:06:18.680 So then the weird part is.

01:06:20.180 The weird part is.

01:06:20.820 I'm sorry to keep cutting you off.

01:06:21.820 But just when they got home and seeing that tweet that that lady, that Misty said or whatever her name was.

01:06:27.220 It's like, oh, shit.

01:06:28.140 She's pissed.

01:06:30.060 Yeah, we're in trouble, dude.

01:06:32.920 I wonder if they tried.

01:06:35.080 It might have been like 16, dude.

01:06:36.360 I wonder if they tried to blame it on the delivery, dude.

01:06:38.700 I bet they did.

01:06:39.500 I'd be fucking scrambling to blame it on anybody.

01:06:42.840 They probably had to interrogate them separate.

01:06:44.940 Be like, your boy snitched.

01:06:46.040 We know.

01:06:46.980 My boy would never snitch on the swastika pizza, dude.

01:06:49.780 It wasn't us.

01:06:52.320 Could you find out how old they were?

01:06:54.880 Yeah, get the culprits.

01:06:56.180 And a picture.

01:06:56.840 I'd like to see these.

01:06:57.640 I want to see these.

01:06:58.600 I'm going to reserve some judgment until I say, what if they're black?

01:07:02.500 It's just like, oh, these guys are the best.

01:07:04.400 What if they're black and Jewish?

01:07:05.380 And it was, what if they're the owners of the place?

01:07:07.180 And it was just a plan to get the.

01:07:10.800 Get some eyes on Little Caesars.

01:07:13.400 That happens all the time.

01:07:14.940 I think a lot of us don't realize the way that publicity is used a lot of times.

01:07:20.780 Yeah, it was mine with the SNL thing a lot.

01:07:24.440 That did get them a ton of publicity.

01:07:26.160 That was the first time people were talking about them.

01:07:28.240 Oh, yeah.

01:07:28.760 For a long, you know.

01:07:30.520 Yeah, I couldn't really name a sketch outside of that Pete Davidson Chad one

01:07:35.320 that even has been going on in the past few years.

01:07:38.380 I'm not a fan.

01:07:39.040 I'm not like a big fan anyway.

01:07:40.460 No.

01:07:40.600 I'm a fan of some of the people I know that are on it that are really cool people.

01:07:45.200 Yeah, you're a comedian.

01:07:46.100 It's not like it's not designed.

01:07:47.520 Like, SNL is designed for, like, high schoolers.

01:07:51.420 Right.

01:07:51.800 It's probably, yes.

01:07:52.320 That's a great point.

01:07:53.060 That's their target.

01:07:54.000 That's a good point.

01:07:54.480 That's why everybody's always like, it was great when I was in high school.

01:07:58.380 Now, you know.

01:08:00.300 I guess the thing that's interesting, I guess, but you see guys like Spade

01:08:04.100 and you see guys like Nealon.

01:08:05.940 You see, like, Norm Macdonald.

01:08:07.620 Guys like that that went through it.

01:08:09.780 And Chris Rock.

01:08:10.900 You look at it and you're like, man, these guys are still funny.

01:08:15.360 Are still.

01:08:15.740 Sure.

01:08:16.200 And their level of humor and their ability to be funny in the spot is so much,

01:08:20.700 I feel like, better than the ability of a lot of people I know or myself or

01:08:25.740 anyone these days.

01:08:26.680 It's just like, I don't know if humor was just different then or if, I don't

01:08:31.400 know, they just seem so much sharper.

01:08:33.380 Yeah.

01:08:33.920 That's fair.

01:08:34.940 But you're only seeing their sharpest stuff.

01:08:37.540 That's a good point.

01:08:38.120 You know what I mean?

01:08:38.560 You're not seeing them.

01:08:39.500 I bet if you went to a comedy club in 95, well, definitely not saw rock.

01:08:45.500 Rock would be.

01:08:46.520 He'd be doing great.

01:08:47.440 Destroying.

01:08:48.880 I don't know.

01:08:49.720 But.

01:08:49.900 Did you find these characters?

01:08:51.020 But in 88, maybe it wouldn't have been.

01:08:54.460 Predicted it correctly.

01:08:56.460 Yeah.

01:08:56.780 I think I've looked into this and actually talked about this before.

01:08:59.500 Not intended to give it to customers as well.

01:09:02.180 But they didn't show the fellas?

01:09:04.540 Just two employees.

01:09:07.960 They admitted responsibility.

01:09:10.980 Immediately terminated.

01:09:12.580 Damn.

01:09:13.940 Oh, I loved making pizza, man.

01:09:15.560 I used to work at pizza.

01:09:16.800 Yeah.

01:09:17.640 It's a nice thing.

01:09:18.600 God, it was nice.

01:09:19.720 Yeah.

01:09:20.140 It's just rewarding.

01:09:21.000 You get it.

01:09:21.560 It's a circle.

01:09:22.380 It's easy.

01:09:22.860 Yes.

01:09:23.160 There's a couple shapes you put on.

01:09:24.500 You do this.

01:09:25.080 You do that.

01:09:25.840 Boom.

01:09:26.100 Yeah.

01:09:26.840 You give it to some dude who's stoned the spot.

01:09:28.280 Yeah, you fuck someone up with a spot.

01:09:30.500 People would lace him with drugs.

01:09:32.260 I remember we'd send a dude out.

01:09:33.700 He was on LSD.

01:09:34.640 We'd give him a drug, and then he had to go deliver him.

01:09:36.820 And find out what happens.

01:09:37.940 Oh, it was crazy.

01:09:39.200 Sometimes he would find him just in his car somewhere.

01:09:42.800 We had a boy again Christian fellow that would go deliver for a while, and we would make orders

01:09:47.040 to Danny Glover.

01:09:48.080 He didn't know any-

01:09:49.760 Danny Glover?

01:09:50.500 He didn't know any entertainers.

01:09:50.960 Oh, this was in LA.

01:09:52.060 This was in Louisiana.

01:09:52.980 He didn't know any entertainers, this guy.

01:09:54.820 So we'd be like, Danny Glover.

01:09:56.900 Oh, you would write the name.

01:09:58.340 Yeah, he had to deliver on Sunday.

01:09:59.980 I see.

01:10:00.460 So we'd write like, Danny Glover, and he'd go drive 40 miles middle of nowhere to deliver

01:10:04.160 to Glover, and he wouldn't be there.

01:10:05.700 Wait, Danny Glover was in Louisiana?

01:10:07.140 Never was.

01:10:07.880 We would just make it up and send this guy out.

01:10:09.580 I see.

01:10:10.080 I apologize.

01:10:10.820 Sorry, I didn't give you all the clues.

01:10:11.680 No, I should have definitely picked that up.

01:10:14.200 Bye.

01:10:14.740 That was on me.

01:10:15.560 Eh.

01:10:16.220 Was it?

01:10:16.580 Here's a question that came in right here.

01:10:21.800 Sup, Theo?

01:10:22.940 Sup, Shane?

01:10:23.880 I had one question for Shane today, and it is, when is that special going to be dropping?

01:10:30.380 If it is dropping, that you taped in Austin.

01:10:33.120 I was there.

01:10:34.240 So I would like to see that again.

01:10:35.540 Just wondering if it is going to drop.

01:10:36.940 Nice.

01:10:40.500 I should, it should be out.

01:10:42.200 It'll probably just be on YouTube, and it'll probably be like the first week of like September.

01:10:48.260 Around there.

01:10:49.000 Wow, that's soon.

01:10:49.740 Yeah, yeah.

01:10:50.740 Did you feel good about it?

01:10:52.120 I did.

01:10:53.360 I think it'll be good.

01:10:54.320 That's cool, man.

01:10:54.780 We'll see.

01:10:55.640 I don't know.

01:10:56.080 Now, watching it, I hate it.

01:10:58.180 You know what I mean?

01:10:58.740 Oh, man.

01:10:58.940 Like sitting down to have to watch it and try to like, they're like, what joke do you want

01:11:02.680 to use here?

01:11:03.320 And it's like, they all suck.

01:11:05.080 I know.

01:11:05.660 I look like a fucking idiot up here.

01:11:08.960 Were you worried about what you would wear on it?

01:11:11.120 No, I wear the same shit like every day.

01:11:14.080 Yeah.

01:11:14.360 So, it wasn't that complicated, but I did like spaz and get a fucking haircut like right

01:11:18.900 before it.

01:11:19.720 Like right before it, I got a fucking bad haircut.

01:11:23.420 Bad, dude.

01:11:24.500 I look like a crazy guy.

01:11:28.080 It's like, it was so ridiculous.

01:11:32.020 And it was just a nervous panic.

01:11:33.340 I went to like a fucking, I went to a Dominican barbershop in Queens the day before I filmed

01:11:39.840 and got like a tight, skin tight fade on the sides.

01:11:44.920 See, the worst part of this is-

01:11:46.400 And then, dude, he oiled my hair.

01:11:48.140 Oh, come on.

01:11:48.900 What are you doing?

01:11:50.200 He gave me a full Dominican haircut.

01:11:52.440 It looked fucking crazy.

01:11:54.340 Oh, my God.

01:11:54.980 They put oil in their hair.

01:11:56.280 It's just oil.

01:11:57.120 I just realized you look like Adolf Hitler a little bit.

01:12:01.300 Sorry, bro.

01:12:01.960 I just realized this.

01:12:04.020 Don't do that, bro.

01:12:05.380 That's not it.

01:12:07.960 Sorry, man.

01:12:08.580 You're handsomer than him, I think.

01:12:10.240 Oh, yeah.

01:12:10.780 There we go.

01:12:12.920 It's von Deutschen Wansen.

01:12:14.740 Yeah, get fired up.

01:12:15.840 Little scissors.

01:12:17.000 Did you order the pizza?

01:12:18.480 Yeah, I got a slight hit there going.

01:12:21.220 Yeah.

01:12:22.000 Dude, last night, you said one of my, I was thinking about it all day.

01:12:26.620 You were like, we were talking about the Holocaust again for some reason.

01:12:29.900 Were we?

01:12:30.300 We were a little bit, but we were talking about, oh, because we were talking about Hebrews.

01:12:35.160 Nothing bad.

01:12:36.360 I think we were with a Jewish man.

01:12:37.620 We were just discussing how, and then you made a joke.

01:12:42.320 I hope, we can edit this, right?

01:12:44.640 If it's bad.

01:12:45.400 If you feel bad that I'm exposing a funny joke you made.

01:12:47.940 Okay.

01:12:48.280 About, you're like, you'd think there'd be more, there's incest in the Jewish community.

01:12:53.640 Yeah.

01:12:54.100 And you're like, I think you were like, yeah, because of the Holocaust.

01:12:57.740 Yeah.

01:12:58.060 They were all.

01:12:59.320 In the same space.

01:13:01.880 Yeah, that's what I thought.

01:13:03.080 I didn't know.

01:13:03.400 It was very funny.

01:13:04.240 And then you were like, Hitler, how far did Hitler live from the Holocaust?

01:13:09.720 Yeah, I didn't know.

01:13:10.800 And it's been fucking me up all day.

01:13:12.380 Really?

01:13:13.020 It's so funny, dude.

01:13:15.220 Thinking of him, you think Hitler commuted to the Holocaust?

01:13:19.880 I didn't know.

01:13:20.360 Like, went to work.

01:13:22.780 I didn't know, man.

01:13:24.340 Like, he checked into an office.

01:13:26.380 I was like, all right, things are, this is good.

01:13:28.000 This is what I planned.

01:13:29.700 Yeah, I think, yeah, I always.

01:13:32.180 Oh, fuck.

01:13:32.700 Because I grew up in an area of a lot of incest.

01:13:34.540 And so, when you're around incest, you learn about other incest.

01:13:37.200 You know, you kind of, you know, water seeks its own or whatever.

01:13:41.240 But, so, Ari Manis, who's my opener, who's Jewish, is always.

01:13:46.680 That's what we were chatting about.

01:13:47.820 Yeah, he told me that a lot of incest in the Jewish communities because.

01:13:51.140 Or, I always thought a lot of incest in the.

01:13:52.980 He said there's a lot of incest in the Jewish community.

01:13:55.060 Yeah, he said it.

01:13:55.780 So, I always thought that it was because, yeah, like the Holocaust people are stuck together.

01:14:01.060 You have sex with whoever is local to you.

01:14:03.140 Yes.

01:14:03.740 You know, which is the same reason that they had incest in our community growing up.

01:14:07.480 Yeah.

01:14:08.000 Or a lot of rural communities.

01:14:09.300 Yeah, like Ireland.

01:14:10.760 Yeah, people don't want to go that far to have sex.

01:14:13.380 Bottom line.

01:14:14.620 It's sad to say.

01:14:16.560 But, if somebody, you know.

01:14:17.940 But, I think the Holocaust was maybe in the ghettos before.

01:14:22.300 But, the Holocaust, I think they separated men and women.

01:14:24.880 Right.

01:14:25.360 And, that's what he said.

01:14:26.320 And, that shocked me.

01:14:27.980 But, because I've read.

01:14:31.380 I don't know why it's so funny.

01:14:32.780 I'm sorry.

01:14:33.560 No, it's okay.

01:14:34.120 Just saying the Holocaust is a place is very funny.

01:14:37.300 Just being like.

01:14:39.380 That'd be like, does he, did he go to AIDS?

01:14:43.040 I guess it's not a, the Holocaust is a thing.

01:14:45.960 Yeah.

01:14:46.300 It's not a place.

01:14:47.140 Because, what was that book I read?

01:14:48.640 Oh, I see.

01:14:50.100 I don't remember.

01:14:50.840 It was, it was freaking good though.

01:14:52.780 But, but it was about the Holocaust.

01:14:54.420 Did you stick your dick in it?

01:14:55.520 Huh?

01:14:55.840 No.

01:14:57.260 You're just reading Night by Eli Weissel.

01:14:59.380 Just like, oh, fuck.

01:15:02.640 Oh, man.

01:15:03.680 I gotta.

01:15:04.180 Are we allowed to tell these jokes?

01:15:05.500 We're having fun.

01:15:06.000 I think we're okay.

01:15:06.860 I'm saying it.

01:15:07.520 You're not.

01:15:08.120 Yeah.

01:15:08.380 And, I don't think we're.

01:15:09.760 Nobody's saying anything bad.

01:15:11.000 We're with Jewish people.

01:15:12.260 We weren't doing anything bad.

01:15:12.620 We didn't say anything bad.

01:15:13.420 And I, I just, that, that's something that I thought I didn't know.

01:15:17.020 There's nothing wrong with not knowing something.

01:15:19.180 True.

01:15:20.800 But, yeah.

01:15:22.060 And then I didn't know, like, I didn't know.

01:15:23.880 I never seen, like, the charts or anything.

01:15:25.260 Like, where did Adolf Hitler live at?

01:15:27.460 Like, I always thought maybe he lived, like, out front or something, I guess.

01:15:32.300 I guess I equate it to, like, slavery or something.

01:15:35.020 Sure.

01:15:35.260 You know, and not that it's the same thing.

01:15:36.520 But I just equate it to, like, a bad thing.

01:15:38.560 And then, I think in my head, I'm thinking, oh, well, the slave owner probably lived on the edge

01:15:43.300 of the property.

01:15:43.580 I see.

01:15:44.540 Yes.

01:15:45.460 In that case, the comparison would be, like, an SS guard.

01:15:48.740 Yeah.

01:15:49.680 While the president, you know what I mean?

01:15:53.200 An SS guard would be, like, a plantation owner.

01:15:55.180 Right.

01:15:55.620 But the president, he wasn't, like, coming down to plantations and being, like, my plan's working.

01:16:02.620 Right, right, right.

01:16:03.260 You know what I mean?

01:16:03.940 Yeah.

01:16:04.240 I bet Hitler definitely went.

01:16:07.000 That's crazy.

01:16:07.560 Actually, now you mentioned it.

01:16:08.380 Yes.

01:16:08.720 I bet he did go inspect.

01:16:10.840 Like, nice.

01:16:11.380 I just can't believe it's worked.

01:16:14.040 That's crazy.

01:16:14.700 This idea, you know?

01:16:16.660 That's crazy.

01:16:18.060 Masterminds.

01:16:18.600 This is crazy when you put your mind to something.

01:16:22.160 Just to see it here, brick and mortar.

01:16:26.480 You think Hitler was pumped?

01:16:28.360 That's fucked up.

01:16:28.920 He was like, holy shit, man.

01:16:30.320 That's fucked up.

01:16:31.380 You think Hitler was with his boys?

01:16:32.700 Like, every once in a while, he's got to just take a step back and be like, we did it.

01:16:35.560 You know?

01:16:35.840 That's hilarious.

01:16:40.120 It sounds like a Louis C.K. bit almost.

01:16:41.820 Definitely.

01:16:42.960 Hitler killing himself reminds me of a...

01:16:46.440 Hitler just, when he killed himself, he killed himself in a bunker.

01:16:49.660 Did he?

01:16:50.060 With all his boys.

01:16:51.060 Wow.

01:16:51.580 And the Soviets were, like, in Berlin.

01:16:53.960 They were like...

01:16:54.320 Oh, they were about to get him.

01:16:54.960 He was about to get caught, and he was like...

01:16:57.860 He took his own life.

01:16:58.720 He was like, you're not going to get me, pussies.

01:17:01.000 And he killed himself.

01:17:03.120 That's crazy.

01:17:03.660 Which is pretty funny.

01:17:04.420 It's still...

01:17:06.560 At the end, he just said, I'm done.

01:17:09.100 Yeah, at the end, he was like, well...

01:17:10.400 You're not even going to get me?

01:17:11.280 You guys can't get me.

01:17:12.340 Oh, it's so...

01:17:13.120 It's such a pussy move.

01:17:14.540 It's such a pussy move.

01:17:15.160 Yeah, but in his defense, yeah, he was definitely going to get fucking...

01:17:18.200 He was going to get in trouble.

01:17:19.520 Yeah.

01:17:19.960 At that point, everyone was like, ooh...

01:17:22.380 Yeah.

01:17:23.300 What'd you do, dude?

01:17:24.520 What the fuck did you do, Hitler?

01:17:26.400 The whole world...

01:17:27.100 Isn't it crazy how nobody knew kind of what was going on for so long?

01:17:29.920 That's the craziest thing to me.

01:17:31.440 Yeah.

01:17:32.560 Yeah.

01:17:32.840 Like, you can't keep anything a secret.

01:17:34.420 No.

01:17:34.880 No.

01:17:35.520 You know?

01:17:36.060 You can't even keep a couple...

01:17:37.320 You can't even keep...

01:17:39.900 You know?

01:17:40.560 Actually, some people can keep a secret.

01:17:42.200 They had...

01:17:42.680 Like, that Elizabeth Smart girl was locked up for like six...

01:17:45.420 What's that about?

01:17:47.480 ...months.

01:17:48.120 Kidnapped people.

01:17:49.140 And they had those people for eight years in Cleveland in the basement.

01:17:51.800 That's crazy.

01:17:53.420 But I guess you just don't know what your neighbors are doing.

01:17:56.420 Just being locked in a basement.

01:17:58.320 But it's crazy.

01:17:59.000 For fucking years.

01:18:00.840 That's crazy.

01:18:01.220 Some guy that locks you up.

01:18:02.520 What did this guy ask us?

01:18:04.960 Oh, he wanted to know when the special...

01:18:06.240 My special was coming out.

01:18:07.480 Mark Norman's had a great success with his special on YouTube.

01:18:09.880 Yeah.

01:18:10.580 It's pretty cool.

01:18:11.240 Yeah.

01:18:11.660 I think that's a pretty reasonable option.

01:18:14.600 Yeah.

01:18:15.420 Yeah.

01:18:16.020 And if it doesn't work, it's on you.

01:18:18.380 You know?

01:18:18.840 If I put it out and no one likes it.

01:18:20.820 Will you put it out in a full segment or clips?

01:18:23.000 Do you have any...

01:18:23.380 I'll definitely put clips out.

01:18:24.560 Yeah.

01:18:24.760 That's the thing.

01:18:25.260 You gotta put the whole thing out and then you put clips and all that.

01:18:28.440 Which, you know, it sucks to have to play the internet thing, that game.

01:18:31.680 I'd much rather have like an HBO or a Netflix make it and that's it.

01:18:37.420 I don't have to do the whole...

01:18:39.580 Because like...

01:18:40.020 Right.

01:18:40.260 Like Schultz.

01:18:41.040 Like Schultz talks about it.

01:18:42.060 I talk to Andrew Schultz a lot about it because he does it.

01:18:45.300 You gotta...

01:18:45.840 If you're doing it on your own, like this is what he would say.

01:18:48.280 If you're doing it on your own, you have to be your own marketer.

01:18:51.120 Right.

01:18:51.500 Which is hard.

01:18:52.460 It's hard.

01:18:53.400 You know what I mean?

01:18:54.260 It's hard to be that.

01:18:55.460 Is it?

01:18:55.940 I don't like it.

01:18:56.800 I'm uncomfortable trying to market myself.

01:18:59.420 Oh, I guess that's interesting.

01:19:00.620 But I think if you just put it out there, a lot of people will find it.

01:19:04.700 For sure.

01:19:05.220 Putting it out yourself.

01:19:06.260 I'm talking about marketing it to be like, hey, here's crazy captions on the bottom of

01:19:12.020 my...

01:19:12.520 Oh, yeah.

01:19:12.800 And you gotta do thumbnails and you gotta have titles that are like white guy slams Indian.

01:19:17.580 Right.

01:19:18.120 You know what I mean?

01:19:18.920 Yeah.

01:19:19.260 Some of that.

01:19:19.780 And that stuff sucks to have to do.

01:19:21.800 I don't like...

01:19:22.300 I hate doing it.

01:19:23.120 And most...

01:19:23.960 You'd be surprised how many people hate doing it themselves.

01:19:26.760 But it's the right thing to do.

01:19:30.080 Yeah.

01:19:30.440 It's interesting.

01:19:31.140 Some of it's like...

01:19:32.060 Some of...

01:19:32.300 But some of the times the material can just stand on its own and you don't need like the

01:19:35.380 big...

01:19:35.700 But sometimes you do have to...

01:19:36.620 Of course.

01:19:36.900 You have to get some of it.

01:19:38.040 You have to get the wording or something to get people to see it.

01:19:40.700 It's crazy.

01:19:40.880 Yeah.

01:19:40.920 There's all those tricks that otherwise, if you were handled by a network, they would just handle

01:19:45.740 it.

01:19:46.020 They would just do it themselves.

01:19:46.940 But if you're doing it yourself, unfortunately, you do have to play that type of game.

01:19:51.500 Yeah.

01:19:51.920 That's a good point.

01:19:53.300 I heard that Mark Norman's was like the seventh most watched special.

01:19:58.720 Yeah.

01:20:01.240 If you liked...

01:20:02.700 Over HBO, Showtime, those sorts of...

01:20:05.940 Yeah.

01:20:06.280 Because Netflix doesn't release theirs.

01:20:08.060 Right?

01:20:08.340 Their metrics.

01:20:08.760 They don't release their metrics.

01:20:09.840 Yeah.

01:20:10.320 But Norman put a YouTube special and it's number seven.

01:20:13.480 That's pretty crazy.

01:20:14.260 That's pretty crazy.

01:20:14.760 That's really crazy.

01:20:15.500 So that's a lot of eyes, man.

01:20:17.780 Yeah.

01:20:18.020 Hopefully.

01:20:18.460 We'll see.

01:20:18.960 It's exciting.

01:20:19.620 Hopefully it does well.

01:20:20.440 If it doesn't, you know, I'll just fucking kill myself.

01:20:24.480 In your bunker.

01:20:25.160 In your bunker.

01:20:25.820 I'll be like, guys, for real?

01:20:27.860 We kind of did it.

01:20:29.060 Anyway.

01:20:31.260 And the articles are like...

01:20:33.200 He's with his boys.

01:20:33.900 Like, I mean, I told you this was good.

01:20:36.840 The articles are probably like racist pizza man.

01:20:39.600 Yeah.

01:20:39.880 Yeah.

01:20:40.040 Right.

01:20:40.640 Takes his own life.

01:20:41.700 Who would have thought that that guy's idea, Adolf Hitler's, we're talking 19, after World

01:20:49.020 War I, he's fucking wounded, he's thinking, his idea would someday reach the whole way

01:20:55.860 to a Little Caesars in Ohio and just fuck someone's day up in 2021.

01:21:03.840 But this is one thing I think that's good about...

01:21:05.820 A butterfly flaps its wings type scenario.

01:21:07.680 Yeah.

01:21:09.100 Just a guy in Austria gets denied from art school.

01:21:12.620 Somebody's getting a fucked up pizza in the future.

01:21:16.780 This is the interesting, it's just crazy about the world.

01:21:18.920 Like, you could be someone who could have the most negative or positive influence.

01:21:24.520 And 100 years later, 150 years later, the best you're going to be is a joke on a pizza.

01:21:30.580 You know?

01:21:30.980 True.

01:21:31.360 It's like, um, also I think, it's also kind of cool to see the, that's where Nazis are

01:21:39.240 now.

01:21:39.540 It's like, there's not, it's so, like, that's one thing I didn't like about the Charleston

01:21:43.220 thing, whenever those guys came out with those, uh, tiki torches, you know, and they're like,

01:21:47.060 these guys are all Nazis.

01:21:48.240 It's like, if this is, if, if we're down to 60 people with tiki torches, then we're,

01:21:54.760 that's great.

01:21:55.580 Yeah.

01:21:56.320 Like, that's great.

01:21:57.480 True.

01:21:57.720 That's how I see it.

01:21:58.840 Like, at least you, like, it wasn't like there was like 30,000 people meet up.

01:22:03.720 I think, yeah.

01:22:04.460 If you look up how many dudes are like actually in the KKK.

01:22:07.920 Yeah.

01:22:09.240 Probably 60.

01:22:10.580 No, I think it's like 7,000.

01:22:12.440 Really?

01:22:13.460 That's still pretty good.

01:22:14.440 Oh, damn.

01:22:15.120 That's like one high school football stadium.

01:22:17.140 That's a good point.

01:22:17.660 That's not that many guys.

01:22:19.340 And if we're down, yeah, it's like, sometimes it's like, you got to look at some things as

01:22:22.320 being, I feel like as, you have to look at the actual progress.

01:22:26.500 Yeah.

01:22:26.780 It's like, that's actual, like, if you compare to some of the pictures of like how many Nazis

01:22:30.700 they had 200,000 years, 200 years ago or 150 years ago.

01:22:34.360 Yeah.

01:22:34.500 They packed Madison Square Garden.

01:22:36.260 Unbelievable.

01:22:36.700 They filled Madison Square Garden in like the 30s.

01:22:38.780 Did they really?

01:22:39.340 Yeah.

01:22:39.940 Wow.

01:22:40.380 The Nazis were big, dude.

01:22:41.420 The Nazis were doing good.

01:22:42.480 And then Hitler, Hitler took it a little far.

01:22:46.080 Yeah.

01:22:47.700 Oh, whatever.

01:22:48.400 We don't need to look up.

01:22:49.280 Yeah.

01:22:49.560 How many Klan members there are?

01:22:51.240 Oh, there's still approximately 3,000 nationwide, it said.

01:22:54.720 Interesting.

01:22:55.160 That's a lot.

01:22:55.760 That is a lot, actually.

01:22:57.080 I mean, it is a small amount for a country, but 3,000 dudes are still like, yo, this shit

01:23:04.520 kind of rules.

01:23:06.100 But I wonder if they're also just including fraternity kids that do that sign in the

01:23:10.060 thing and that they'll be like, oh, these guys are white supremacists.

01:23:12.900 I think that's probably estimated like 3,000 dudes that are like, no, I put on the hat.

01:23:18.560 I'm fucking nuts, dude.

01:23:20.320 I'm fucking, I'm in it.

01:23:21.940 I don't know what else to do.

01:23:23.340 That's crazy.

01:23:24.660 I wonder how many, because the crazy thing about that, the crazy thing about the white

01:23:28.980 power sign is they took the OK sign, basically, and made that, said, oh, that means white

01:23:33.480 power.

01:23:33.820 Well, I think, wasn't it a joke when they did that?

01:23:36.260 I think the guys who said that that was white power did it to make everybody follow through

01:23:42.260 with it.

01:23:42.560 I think.

01:23:43.120 I could be wrong.

01:23:43.940 Can you look that up?

01:23:44.580 I think there was like a 4chan thing or one of those guys type things, and they were

01:23:49.400 like, it'll just make people look silly when they're like, actually, that's a secret white

01:23:53.840 supremacist sign.

01:23:54.920 Right.

01:23:55.620 When it's like, no, it's A-OK.

01:23:57.420 Or it's this game where you punch your friend in the arm.

01:23:59.880 Right.

01:24:00.460 But the craziest part is if you then.

01:24:02.220 Or then you become a white supremacist.

01:24:04.200 You're like.

01:24:04.780 Yeah.

01:24:06.320 But then the crazy part is you look back through time.

01:24:08.660 So many pictures of people are like, OK, in the past, everything's OK.

01:24:12.240 You're like, look at this white supremacist.

01:24:14.260 It was fucking Jesus.

01:24:15.680 And then you have everybody doing it.

01:24:17.540 Black.

01:24:17.880 Everybody's like, oh, look at this white supremacist.

01:24:19.720 Guys are hitting threes in the NBA.

01:24:21.300 Yeah.

01:24:21.660 Totally.

01:24:22.200 I'm like, oh, shit.

01:24:22.960 Remember that?

01:24:23.560 LeBron?

01:24:24.140 Yeah.

01:24:25.240 LeBron's one of us.

01:24:26.560 One of us in my clandruff.

01:24:29.320 That's crazy, man.

01:24:30.840 Would you still submit a packet for SNL, do you think?

01:24:33.160 No.

01:24:33.940 Me?

01:24:34.420 Yeah.

01:24:35.040 No.

01:24:36.180 Would I submit one?

01:24:37.080 I didn't submit one ever.

01:24:38.720 Oh, you didn't?

01:24:39.120 They asked, I was asked to by my agents, and I was like, I'm not going to submit a packet.

01:24:44.180 Yeah.

01:24:44.360 Like a writing.

01:24:45.000 I'm not going to get a writing job there.

01:24:47.340 I'm 33.

01:24:48.100 Yeah.

01:24:48.440 I'm not going to go be a writer.

01:24:50.300 Yeah.

01:24:51.880 So no.

01:24:53.000 I wouldn't have that.

01:24:53.960 I'm too lazy.

01:24:55.100 Yeah.

01:24:55.540 I can't sit down and be a writer and then have somebody else go tell the jokes.

01:24:59.220 Yeah.

01:24:59.720 That'd be tough to watch.

01:25:00.980 Yeah.

01:25:01.340 You ever write on anything like that?

01:25:02.780 Mm-mm.

01:25:03.320 Yeah.

01:25:03.620 It'd be so hard.

01:25:04.140 I can't imagine writing a joke and then watching another guy get laughs.

01:25:08.340 Oh, yeah.

01:25:08.840 And some people do that, and they're totally happy doing it.

01:25:11.840 Yeah.

01:25:12.820 Yeah.

01:25:13.180 I have some friends that are writers.

01:25:15.300 He's got Matt Goldich.

01:25:16.180 He's a great writer.

01:25:16.820 I mean, John McKeever is one of my guys.

01:25:18.800 Yeah.

01:25:19.140 McKeever.

01:25:19.960 He writes almost all those.

01:25:21.740 Wow.

01:25:22.340 Yeah.

01:25:23.620 He has no problem being a writer.

01:25:26.060 I'm just, which is probably a good thing.

01:25:28.220 It's probably a healthy thing to be like, no, I don't care who gets the adoration.

01:25:32.320 And I'm like, they should laugh at me.

01:25:35.900 If I wrote a joke and somebody else told it, I'd be like, fucking piece of shit.

01:25:39.760 Stole it.

01:25:41.120 I gave it to him.

01:25:42.400 You know?

01:25:43.260 Yeah.

01:25:43.520 You think about swastikas?

01:25:45.340 Yeah.

01:25:45.880 I think, well, even the swastika pizza guy, it's like, I was trying to tell the guy you

01:25:49.560 have to do something, you have to put something on a pizza, and it's already been done.

01:25:52.580 Yeah.

01:25:54.440 So, you gotta, yeah, you just gotta think of something kind of creative, I think.

01:25:57.620 But, yeah, when, do you think that you were part of, like, you know, the Asian hate thing

01:26:06.500 started?

01:26:06.880 Do you feel like you had anything to do with that?

01:26:07.500 Yeah, I was pretty bad luck.

01:26:08.900 Do you feel like you started that at all?

01:26:11.540 No.

01:26:12.100 But I was actually, yeah, now that you mention it, yes.

01:26:14.480 I was one of the first, I was definitely early in the Asian hate community.

01:26:19.960 Because after that, that's when it kind of took off, I feel like.

01:26:23.260 That's when, yeah.

01:26:25.000 But it wasn't obviously, I mean, that's ridiculous.

01:26:32.460 No, that's fine.

01:26:33.960 It was kind of, yeah.

01:26:35.020 I mean, it was media attention about a slur.

01:26:37.360 Right.

01:26:38.100 Directed at Asian people.

01:26:39.220 So, yes, that definitely, and people are perfectly reasonable to see a headline that says, this

01:26:46.060 guy said this slur, and they're perfectly reasonable to be like, fuck that guy.

01:26:51.060 You know what I mean?

01:26:51.740 Yeah.

01:26:52.000 And I do the same thing, I don't read articles, I'll see a fucking headline, I'll be like,

01:26:56.480 oh shit, they're guilty, fuck them.

01:26:59.600 Or there's no context, or who knows, how the fuck does the Washington Post report on a

01:27:04.200 podcast from 2018?

01:27:05.900 Right.

01:27:06.200 Let's see the accuracy they're using here.

01:27:07.960 Or are they just like, this guy's getting fired for being racist?

01:27:11.160 Clicks.

01:27:11.640 What can we find?

01:27:12.620 Clicks.

01:27:13.420 It's crazy, huh?

01:27:14.580 Yeah, they don't, no one cares.

01:27:15.820 It's all done.

01:27:16.500 The caring is done.

01:27:17.380 The problem is, though, is when they write those articles, after what I've said, that

01:27:22.500 doesn't count.

01:27:23.600 When they write an article that says a slur, like this guy used this slur, then normal people

01:27:28.880 who obviously would have never heard Matt and Shane's secret podcast are like, holy shit,

01:27:34.480 he said, like they're just, in the New York Times, it's like, here's the word that that

01:27:38.520 guy said that's bad.

01:27:39.720 Right.

01:27:40.120 That would have never reached these people ever.

01:27:42.760 You know?

01:27:43.360 What percentage did your viewership go up after the article?

01:27:47.100 It probably doubled.

01:27:49.640 Yeah.

01:27:50.400 Since the months after SNL, our listenership probably quadrupled.

01:27:56.660 Yeah, for sure.

01:27:57.540 Because then people heard about it and watched it.

01:27:59.380 So it's helped the podcast.

01:28:00.080 Like, this is actually funny.

01:28:01.420 Yeah.

01:28:01.560 So it's helped the podcast.

01:28:02.480 Tremendously.

01:28:03.680 Wow.

01:28:04.300 Yeah.

01:28:05.140 But it's not like, it's not like it's helping the podcast in that like racists are showing

01:28:09.480 up and being like, hell yeah, brother.

01:28:11.780 No, it's like people that are like, oh, this, it sounds, you know, I was trying to figure

01:28:16.200 out who the pizza guys were.

01:28:17.760 Yeah.

01:28:18.460 Turns out if they were putting out some more funny content, I'd probably, I'd probably

01:28:22.120 check in with them, see what they were up to.

01:28:24.720 Once you're in the news, people are going to look at you and be like, all right, this

01:28:28.700 sounds kind of funny.

01:28:29.720 Yeah.

01:28:30.180 Where does this go from here?

01:28:32.020 If it's bad, you just close the window.

01:28:34.580 Yeah.

01:28:34.820 Um, and we're not condoning this guys.

01:28:39.380 We're not condoning it.

01:28:41.360 Um, that's a scary thing now.

01:28:43.840 It's like, you don't, it's like the people who are judging, they don't care if it's a

01:28:47.520 joke or not.

01:28:48.120 No, no, they don't care at all.

01:28:51.520 Oh yeah.

01:28:52.040 You got that fucking thing tonight.

01:28:54.340 Yeah.

01:28:54.760 I was just thinking, I was like, what's he got to lose?

01:28:56.760 Oh shit.

01:28:57.500 Tonight.

01:28:58.720 I was like, yeah, I'd be a little cagey.

01:29:00.580 Maybe don't put this out until that's done.

01:29:02.380 But will we ever be able to put it out, you think?

01:29:06.720 Do you think this podcast is too much or not?

01:29:08.660 No, this podcast is not too much.

01:29:10.140 I know it's not.

01:29:11.060 Okay.

01:29:11.440 I'm certain it's not.

01:29:12.420 It's clearly joking.

01:29:13.860 Okay.

01:29:14.380 Very clearly joking.

01:29:15.420 Yeah.

01:29:15.660 I just want to make it clear.

01:29:16.520 We are joking.

01:29:17.200 If you were putting up like pictures of like, I don't know, horrible things and being like,

01:29:23.160 look at those losers.

01:29:24.680 I'm glad that happened.

01:29:26.700 That'd be bad.

01:29:27.580 Yeah.

01:29:28.480 Yeah.

01:29:28.840 I wouldn't do anything like that.

01:29:30.180 You don't seem like you would do that.

01:29:31.360 You don't seem like a very mean guy.

01:29:34.880 Do you ever freak out and get mean to people?

01:29:37.760 Sometimes I get angry.

01:29:39.020 My anger is always usually just inside of myself.

01:29:41.680 It doesn't have anything to do with the people outside of me.

01:29:43.980 So sometimes I interact with the world angrily.

01:29:47.680 Really?

01:29:47.780 But it's just the way I interact with everything.

01:29:49.540 Do you get mean to people?

01:29:50.960 You don't seem like a very nice guy.

01:29:52.900 I think I'm a pretty nice guy.

01:29:54.320 I just am, I think with work and stuff, sometimes I get kind of demanding, I think.

01:29:59.340 Yeah.

01:29:59.820 Someone's like around.

01:30:00.620 Are you ever like, you can fuck off, dude.

01:30:02.200 Get the fuck out of here.

01:30:03.280 No.

01:30:03.460 You ever fucking spit on anyone?

01:30:05.860 No.

01:30:07.400 I never spit on anyone.

01:30:08.760 One girl, she was asking about it, but.

01:30:10.840 Was she?

01:30:11.500 Yeah.

01:30:11.840 She was.

01:30:12.380 This little, pretty tall girl.

01:30:14.200 Not that tall, but kind of normal heighted, I guess.

01:30:18.760 Regular.

01:30:19.240 Regular.

01:30:19.600 Yeah, cool girl.

01:30:21.000 Pretty cool.

01:30:21.500 She was pretty cool.

01:30:22.040 I don't know.

01:30:22.580 I don't know her that good.

01:30:25.500 I've been getting angry lately.

01:30:26.900 Have you?

01:30:27.380 Yeah, I keep waking up, because the girl I've been seeing, she screams in the middle of

01:30:32.100 the night sometimes.

01:30:32.980 Oh, wow.

01:30:34.560 All the time, actually.

01:30:36.240 Like every other night, she's like, ah, ah, ah, at like three in the morning.

01:30:41.140 And every time, I'm like, if I'm waking up, if you're waking up scared, you're going

01:30:46.500 to be mad.

01:30:47.440 You know what I mean?

01:30:47.980 Like every time I wake up, I'm like, what the fuck?

01:30:51.520 She's like, ah, ah, ah, at all.

01:30:54.800 I'd be like, shut the fuck up.

01:30:56.860 Shut up.

01:30:57.780 It's just.

01:30:58.860 Because I wake up like, ah, ah.

01:31:01.620 This is all the time.

01:31:02.940 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

01:31:05.560 Oh, that's crazy.

01:31:06.560 I'm like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

01:31:08.520 Shut the fuck up.

01:31:09.980 Shut up.

01:31:10.540 And then she wakes up to me just every night screaming at her, because she's asleep when

01:31:14.900 she's screaming.

01:31:15.880 So she's coming out of this sleepwalking to me, like, go to sleep.

01:31:20.540 Shut the fuck up.

01:31:22.240 So every night, she wakes up at four in the morning to me, like, sitting up in the bed,

01:31:27.640 like, would you shut the fuck up?

01:31:30.340 Oh, that's the worst.

01:31:31.000 It's a real terrifying, terrifying relationship.

01:31:33.640 And she sleepwalks sometimes.

01:31:35.480 So the other night, I woke up and she was standing in my room naked.

01:31:39.220 In the room in the dark.

01:31:40.480 It was, it was, dude, it was scary.

01:31:42.520 I left the room.

01:31:43.280 I slept on the couch.

01:31:44.600 I was very scared.

01:31:45.500 And then I was afraid.

01:31:46.140 I was afraid of my girlfriend.

01:31:47.740 I was on the couch.

01:31:48.760 Like, if she walks through that fucking door, I'm, this is terrifying, dude.

01:31:53.360 Dude, she got you right where she wants you, dude.

01:31:55.700 It's so scary.

01:31:57.720 Oh, man.

01:31:58.260 Oh, my God.

01:31:59.180 You ever have sleep paralysis?

01:32:00.400 That would, that'd be something you'd like.

01:32:01.580 Oh, sleep paralysis is insane, but I fucking love it, dude.

01:32:04.540 Oh, I've only had it once, and it was, it was, uh, the worst possible one.

01:32:08.840 It's crazy.

01:32:09.640 It was a demon standing at the, that's what I'm, she reminds me of.

01:32:12.420 She's just standing there.

01:32:13.620 Wow.

01:32:14.100 Nothing's scarier than, like, a naked person in the dark.

01:32:17.100 Yeah.

01:32:18.260 But, yeah, I had sleep paralysis.

01:32:20.080 Sleep paralysis is good, man.

01:32:21.400 I like it.

01:32:21.900 I feel like it's a sign of things to come.

01:32:23.420 It's excitement.

01:32:24.060 I feel like it's, you know, it's a good book.

01:32:25.540 Mine was a demon.

01:32:26.780 Oh, really?

01:32:27.880 Yeah, I woke up.

01:32:28.560 In Norse mythology, it's a, uh.

01:32:29.960 I saw that guy.

01:32:31.120 That was the scariest part.

01:32:32.140 Oh, damn, dude.

01:32:32.860 No.

01:32:33.820 Let me tell you this.

01:32:34.640 This is, these images, so I didn't know what sleep paralysis was.

01:32:39.140 One night, I was going through a breakup, so I was very stressed out, and I went

01:32:42.840 to sleep in my parents' basement, and I woke up, and there was a, that exact figure standing

01:32:48.260 at the foot of my bed.

01:32:49.360 And what is it?

01:32:49.860 Standing.

01:32:50.700 And then it walked around the side of my bed, like, reaching towards me, and it's so real.

01:32:55.040 I, like, it was so real that I thought it was an intruder.

01:32:58.140 Oh.

01:32:58.520 I couldn't be like, this is a demon.

01:33:00.180 I was like, oh, shit, someone's in here.

01:33:02.240 Even though they looked ridiculous.

01:33:04.140 They looked like the Slender Man, and they were, like, walking around the side of my bed

01:33:08.100 reaching towards my face, and then I woke up right when they got there, but I, like,

01:33:12.140 it was so real, I tried to fight them.

01:33:14.460 Like, I thought it was real.

01:33:15.320 And you couldn't move.

01:33:15.760 Even when I woke up, I was still, I got out of my bed and was hiding on the side of my

01:33:20.080 bed, and then tried to fight this fucking thing, and obviously it was gone.

01:33:24.100 But then, several months later, I was just looking at Wikipedia.

01:33:27.400 There's, like, lists of, like, creepy Wikipedia articles, which is a fun read.

01:33:31.080 Yeah.

01:33:31.400 It's fun to pass the time.

01:33:32.300 And then, I saw sleep paralysis, so I clicked it, and the image was the image from my dream.

01:33:38.500 So, I saw something I saw in my dream on the internet months later.

01:33:43.040 After.

01:33:43.580 After.

01:33:44.380 It's crazy.

01:33:46.500 Oh, see, that makes me think.

01:33:47.860 It's the one with, like, the red eyes leaning.

01:33:50.160 Keep going down, you'll find this fucking guy.

01:33:51.840 He'll never find it.

01:33:53.000 True.

01:33:53.600 That's the one that makes me seem, this is, what is.

01:34:01.020 But it's just crazy.

01:34:01.780 Yeah, everybody sees the same thing.

01:34:03.540 That's what's fucking.

01:34:04.300 Oh, they do?

01:34:04.820 Very spooky.

01:34:05.620 Yeah, dude.

01:34:06.100 I saw, somebody drew what I saw in my dreams.

01:34:08.760 Oh, that's insane.

01:34:09.880 I feel like, yeah, I always feel like, oh, something's.

01:34:12.600 Go to images on Google.

01:34:13.880 You'll find it.

01:34:14.200 Sleep paralysis.

01:34:14.800 Something's coming to get me.

01:34:16.020 I feel like something's coming to get me, you know.

01:34:19.340 It's right here, and I don't.

01:34:20.800 Yeah.

01:34:20.980 But I never see the thing.

01:34:22.380 I got to look around next time.

01:34:22.980 Oh, I saw the thing, dude.

01:34:24.660 You don't want to see the thing.

01:34:27.740 You'll find him.

01:34:28.820 Jeez.

01:34:29.180 It's that guy with the bottom right, or now he's bottom left.

01:34:32.080 He was standing at the foot of my bed.

01:34:34.960 Wrong one, but that's all right.

01:34:36.640 Swing and a miss.

01:34:37.940 Another fucking.

01:34:38.760 It's unbelievable.

01:34:39.340 Go scroll down a little.

01:34:41.520 This guy.

01:34:42.080 Right there, that guy.

01:34:44.240 Nope.

01:34:45.040 Are you fucking with me?

01:34:46.420 No, he's not.

01:34:47.200 He's not fucking with you.

01:34:48.280 This is how it is.

01:34:50.700 You were on it.

01:34:51.540 I was like, that's the one.

01:34:52.740 This is how it is, man.

01:34:53.780 This is how they do it.

01:34:54.180 Well, that's work.

01:34:54.820 That guy.

01:34:55.200 This is what I get going.

01:34:56.220 That's what I saw, dude.

01:34:57.940 This guy right here.

01:34:59.060 Yes.

01:35:00.460 At the foot of my bed, except my guy had like a more white face.

01:35:04.320 Okay.

01:35:06.400 So almost like a black guy and white face kind of?

01:35:08.400 Mm-hmm.

01:35:08.980 Wow.

01:35:10.140 Even the scariest.

01:35:11.720 That's the scariest.

01:35:12.760 Oh, that's crazy.

01:35:13.260 What world are we in where a black guy is doing white face?

01:35:16.120 Lester Holt, really.

01:35:17.220 But Lester Holt, I feel like Lester Holt is secretly a white guy.

01:35:19.680 You think?

01:35:20.460 Oh.

01:35:21.160 I don't know much about Lester Holt.

01:35:23.020 Pull up a picture of Lester Holt, please.

01:35:25.960 This will be 12 minutes.

01:35:29.460 Lou Holtz.

01:35:29.980 Right there.

01:35:30.420 Oh, yeah.

01:35:30.860 Right there in the main picture.

01:35:32.120 Oh, yeah.

01:35:33.640 You're telling me that's not a white guy in black face or in Tanner?

01:35:37.220 I think, yeah, this is a tough one.

01:35:46.840 I, I, I, Lester Holt, I mean.

01:35:50.540 See, how did he look when he was younger?

01:35:52.860 Oh, that's a great.

01:35:53.700 Oh, there he is right there, that black and white.

01:35:54.900 If that's him in the black and white.

01:35:58.160 Yeah.

01:35:59.100 Really?

01:35:59.560 That's him?

01:36:00.480 Wow.

01:36:01.320 Oh, shit, dude.

01:36:03.740 Even that, though.

01:36:04.380 He like transitioned.

01:36:05.220 Even that seems like a white guy in like a wig, kind of.

01:36:12.160 Yeah.

01:36:13.600 This, to be honest, this is, you are getting borderline.

01:36:16.280 This type of thing is a little dangerous.

01:36:17.860 It is?

01:36:18.620 Speculating on black guys' race.

01:36:20.040 Oh, damn.

01:36:20.600 Okay.

01:36:21.400 Look, as, as, I'll tell you where the line is.

01:36:24.280 Okay.

01:36:24.700 We're getting close.

01:36:25.480 Okay, sorry.

01:36:27.160 Then back me out.

01:36:28.280 I've just been, there's been a lot of discussion about this.

01:36:29.860 You ever see Sean, uh, King?

01:36:32.240 Sean King?

01:36:33.160 Uh-uh.

01:36:33.480 I've heard of him.

01:36:34.260 He was like an activist.

01:36:36.260 Oh, and he was white, actually?

01:36:37.240 He's like pretty white.

01:36:38.280 Oh, that's crazy.

01:36:39.080 Now, that's, that's, I think you can take that shot publicly.

01:36:41.800 Oh, here you go.

01:36:42.580 But here, it's going to be, in the future, everybody's going to be beige, and it's going

01:36:46.680 to be ridiculous we're all even arguing about race stuff.

01:36:50.340 Yeah, for sure.

01:36:51.260 Like, we're, it's beige power.

01:36:52.820 It's funny for white people to say that, though.

01:36:54.660 To like, be the purveyors of racism for the longest time, and then towards the end be like,

01:36:59.260 what are we even fighting about?

01:37:02.020 It's like, you don't get to decide that.

01:37:04.240 That's true.

01:37:04.660 It's very funny.

01:37:05.260 It's like when a girl fights you, and then she's just like, she starts crying.

01:37:09.720 You're like, what are you crying about?

01:37:10.600 You fucked with me.

01:37:11.860 Yeah.

01:37:12.600 It's an easy out.

01:37:13.480 It's good for the honkies trying to hit the eject button.

01:37:16.080 Like, what are we even talking about?

01:37:19.360 Maybe I have such a white perspective sometimes.

01:37:22.340 No, I don't think that's what you're doing.

01:37:23.700 I think it's a reasonable thing.

01:37:25.120 It's not like, that's the thing.

01:37:26.820 It's easy to compare, like, racism and all that stuff to like, well, if you punched me,

01:37:31.720 I'd be mad about it.

01:37:32.720 But it's like, are we talking about our grandparents?

01:37:34.960 Our ancestors?

01:37:36.160 Right.

01:37:36.420 Like, that's where it gets murky, because it's like, well, I didn't do that.

01:37:40.000 Yeah, Eric Griffin has a great-

01:37:40.780 And it's like, well, you're benefiting from it.

01:37:41.780 But like, it's all, you know, it's confusing.

01:37:43.720 Eric Griffin has a great joke.

01:37:44.920 He's like, it's like when you walk in an elevator and somebody farted in there, but you didn't

01:37:47.880 do it, you know?

01:37:48.940 And somebody looks at you like you did it.

01:37:50.500 You're like, I didn't fart in there.

01:37:52.880 But I didn't.

01:37:53.660 Yeah.

01:37:54.460 Yeah.

01:37:54.720 But the smell is still there, but the effects of it are still around.

01:37:58.520 Certainly.

01:37:59.420 And Eric's a bit, is he fat?

01:38:01.400 Was he fat?

01:38:02.380 He looks like he's skinny now.

01:38:03.720 He used to be thicker than, he used to definitely, he would have been a hottie at spring break.

01:38:09.880 Trust me, as a big guy myself, I know what it's like, the fart, the fart blaming, it's

01:38:15.140 in there.

01:38:15.740 It happens to you guys a lot.

01:38:16.620 Oh, if you're a big guy, if somebody farted in this room, you guys would be like.

01:38:22.160 Really?

01:38:22.720 You're being a fat guy on a plane, you're getting hit with the looks.

01:38:26.060 Oh, yeah.

01:38:26.500 There's somebody shit their pants.

01:38:28.020 Everyone's looking at you.

01:38:29.820 Yeah.

01:38:31.720 Yeah, that could be true.

01:38:32.980 You know?

01:38:33.520 Yeah, it could be true, man.

01:38:34.520 I think it's also, it's grandparents a lot, too.

01:38:37.140 One more question here we got.

01:38:38.300 Yo, Theo.

01:38:42.680 Yo, Shane.

01:38:43.840 Got my other drip.

01:38:45.020 What's going on?

01:38:45.660 Gang, baby.

01:38:46.240 Gang, gang.

01:38:46.940 Salt life.

01:38:47.460 The whole nine.

01:38:49.100 Shane, my question is, tell the story about how you made Dave Chappelle run.

01:38:52.900 I think you've only told it on, like, dad meet, and only took, like, two minutes.

01:38:56.160 Can I get a full, in-depth story about how you, and I think it was O'Connie's, made Chappelle

01:39:01.940 run?

01:39:02.980 That'd be great.

01:39:04.080 Gang.

01:39:04.640 That's kind of a brag.

01:39:06.120 Is it?

01:39:06.640 Yeah.

01:39:07.540 I made Chappelle laugh, and you're, like, jogged around a little.

01:39:09.960 Oh, really?

01:39:10.880 Oh, yeah.

01:39:11.440 Yeah, I don't want to brag about it, but yeah, all right, so it was after we got fired.

01:39:15.040 I got fired.

01:39:15.640 Okay.

01:39:16.380 I, it was, like, a couple months later, I went to London.

01:39:19.480 Me and my friend went to London just to have a week off, like, chilling.

01:39:22.700 Okay.

01:39:23.440 And Chappelle was in town.

01:39:25.780 Someone from the cellar hooked it up for me to, oh, Cypher Sounds.

01:39:29.380 Oh, yeah.

01:39:29.720 I hooked it up for me to go see the show, and then Chappelle knew that I was there, so he

01:39:35.540 was, like, I want to meet him.

01:39:36.800 He wanted to meet me, because he's interested in, like, the cancel culture stuff.

01:39:40.380 And we got to hang out, and it was just, he, like, cleared everybody out.

01:39:44.920 It was just me and my friend and Dave, me and O'Connor and Dave Chappelle just drinking

01:39:49.900 in London.

01:39:51.300 Were you nervous there?

01:39:54.140 No.

01:39:54.700 Again, it was all so surreal.

01:39:56.480 Like, it was still so fucking surreal.

01:39:58.100 Every single thing that happened in, like, a four-month span, you know?

01:40:02.460 And I just told him a story about Louis C.K., because that was another guy I was, became

01:40:09.860 friends with, kind of, not friends, but, like, you know.

01:40:12.620 Yeah.

01:40:13.160 You just, you're in people's circles now, so you meet these people.

01:40:16.240 But I was just telling Chappelle a story about, because somebody was taking pictures of me

01:40:21.940 talking to Chappelle, and he was kind of like, let's not get some pictures with this guy right

01:40:28.300 now.

01:40:29.500 You know what I mean?

01:40:30.180 Like, this isn't the best luck.

01:40:30.980 He's like, I'm cool with cancel culture.

01:40:32.740 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40:33.280 I'm not against...

01:40:33.740 I don't, we don't need this.

01:40:34.700 I'm against cancel culture, but I'm not, I don't want to be into pictures like that.

01:40:37.520 Like that picture of, like, Rumsfeld with Saddam Hussein.

01:40:41.020 It's like, we don't need this picture.

01:40:43.320 And then I told him a story about Louis coming into a, it was at the Patrice O'Neill benefit.

01:40:50.300 Louis walked in.

01:40:51.740 I was sitting with him.

01:40:53.040 And like a photographer came over, and I like leaned to Louis, and I was like, you

01:40:55.920 want to get a picture with me?

01:40:57.160 Just to like, fuck with him.

01:40:58.020 I knew that's obviously a terrible photo for both of us.

01:41:00.560 Right.

01:41:00.920 It's like me and Louis together.

01:41:02.420 So you want to get a picture together?

01:41:03.460 And he was like, no.

01:41:04.700 Like, I just remember him.

01:41:06.600 And as soon as I told Chappelle that he was like, no.

01:41:09.960 He started running around.

01:41:11.180 He's like, ah, ah, ah.

01:41:12.720 It was great.

01:41:13.320 It was a cool moment.

01:41:15.020 Was there ever a comedian you heard laugh at your show that you were like, oh, that's awesome?

01:41:19.360 Louis.

01:41:20.020 Really?

01:41:20.540 Louis.

01:41:20.740 I saw, I was at the cellar.

01:41:22.920 I saw him laughing.

01:41:24.060 And I was just like, dude, this is, that was my guy.

01:41:27.340 That's the guy.

01:41:28.040 That's my favorite.

01:41:29.320 Yeah, man.

01:41:29.900 His special online is so good.

01:41:31.560 He's so good.

01:41:32.340 It's so good.

01:41:33.300 Yeah.

01:41:33.720 A guy from here just went on the road and opened up with him for a while.

01:41:35.960 I was talking to him last night.

01:41:37.040 Yeah, Chance.

01:41:37.560 Yeah, it's awesome.

01:41:38.540 Chance Willie, man.

01:41:39.200 He's a talented young fellow.

01:41:40.720 Chappelle was another one.

01:41:41.840 That's like that picture that we showed earlier.

01:41:43.680 That was, Chappelle followed, he went after me.

01:41:46.380 Oh, cool.

01:41:46.960 And he got on and was like, that was funny and brought me back up.

01:41:49.560 Oh, nice.

01:41:50.280 Like, that was really cool.

01:41:52.000 That's cool, man.

01:41:52.740 That was me doing the Louis story at the top.

01:41:55.240 That's why I'm making the Louis face.

01:41:56.820 Oh, that's awesome.

01:41:58.100 Oh, yeah.

01:41:58.560 That's cool.

01:41:59.020 You can see no one laughed at that either.

01:42:01.620 Yeah, you got to fight for comedy, man.

01:42:03.420 We have to fight to be able to joke around.

01:42:05.480 Isn't that crazy?

01:42:07.080 Yeah.

01:42:08.400 Yeah.

01:42:08.860 Especially when most people know you're joking that there's this, it's like tech is the new

01:42:12.460 government.

01:42:13.160 Tech is the new government.

01:42:14.240 Yeah, for sure.

01:42:15.360 Everyone knows you're joking.

01:42:16.280 Even the people writing the articles, they know it's a fucking joke.

01:42:19.520 They have a bigger agenda they're trying to push.

01:42:21.980 Yeah.

01:42:22.320 And they're pretending what you're saying is serious.

01:42:24.400 Yeah.

01:42:24.880 And that's just what it is.

01:42:25.800 And that's fine.

01:42:26.700 Right.

01:42:27.140 In fact, it kind of wouldn't be as funny if people weren't getting upset.

01:42:30.700 Right.

01:42:31.320 It's kind of, you know, if we were all like nice pizza, nice swastika on that pizza, dude.

01:42:36.320 Right.

01:42:37.080 It'd be like.

01:42:37.840 Like if people thought that you and I actually hated Jewish people or were fans of Nazism because

01:42:43.280 we joked about the pizza.

01:42:45.960 Or if literally there would be zero blowback for going on a podcast and being like, here's

01:42:51.420 some funny things about Hitler.

01:42:53.260 Yeah.

01:42:53.460 It's not as dangerous.

01:42:54.280 It's not as funny.

01:42:55.080 You know what I mean?

01:42:55.820 Right.

01:42:56.080 That's the point I'm trying to make.

01:42:57.260 Right.

01:42:57.600 Right.

01:42:57.740 This pizza swastika.

01:42:59.040 If those guys made that and sent that and everybody at Little Caesars and the people

01:43:03.220 who received it were like, that was funny.

01:43:06.100 Nice.

01:43:06.760 Right.

01:43:07.400 It wouldn't be as funny.

01:43:08.240 Right.

01:43:08.520 Right.

01:43:08.640 Right.

01:43:08.800 The backlash on that one is that makes it funny.

01:43:11.780 That's true.

01:43:12.480 What?

01:43:13.160 I can't believe this.

01:43:14.980 I didn't know there were Nazis at Little Caesars.

01:43:17.320 Yeah.

01:43:17.560 That's crazy.

01:43:18.000 It's making it funnier.

01:43:19.360 You know?

01:43:20.060 That's interesting.

01:43:21.100 People are like, I can't believe there's so many undercover Nazis at the comedy cellar.

01:43:24.560 Yeah.

01:43:24.880 It's like, what?

01:43:26.460 Do you think there's Nazis at the comedy cellar?

01:43:29.000 That's the crazy thing is that some people think there really are.

01:43:31.800 It's like, I don't think there's one person that voted for a Republican.

01:43:34.640 Yeah.

01:43:35.280 That's how far away from fascism that is.

01:43:37.940 Yeah.

01:43:38.440 Yeah.

01:43:39.520 Yeah.

01:43:39.920 It's wild, man.

01:43:41.000 It's a different time, dude.

01:43:43.020 Yeah.

01:43:43.300 I don't love talking about cancel culture.

01:43:46.580 Yeah.

01:43:46.980 I'm sorry, man.

01:43:47.860 No, no, no.

01:43:48.320 Don't be sorry.

01:43:49.080 I'm kind of, I mean, I did it.

01:43:50.420 I did it to myself.

01:43:51.980 I'm sorry about that.

01:43:53.240 I'm kind of the cancel culture guy now.

01:43:54.920 I don't know if you are.

01:43:56.300 It's also just a fascinating topic right now.

01:43:58.800 I know.

01:43:59.140 It's just, it gets, like when people are.

01:44:01.760 Do you feel like it'll start to just suddenly, that's who you'll always be then?

01:44:04.760 I don't think so.

01:44:05.560 I don't think so either.

01:44:06.320 I'm confident I'm not.

01:44:07.600 Yeah.

01:44:07.740 I'm confident I'm good enough at stand-up that I'm not going to be a guy who got canceled.

01:44:10.900 Then if you know that about yourself, then you're going to be fine.

01:44:13.860 Yeah.

01:44:14.100 I am fine.

01:44:15.640 I'm not worried about that.

01:44:18.340 I never really was.

01:44:19.540 I never was like, this is going to, it'll always be part of my story.

01:44:23.260 That's how I was introduced into the comedy world.

01:44:26.080 Yeah.

01:44:26.620 But.

01:44:28.560 Was there any Asian comedians that were supportive?

01:44:31.360 Yeah.

01:44:32.180 For sure.

01:44:33.040 That's cool.

01:44:33.700 For sure.

01:44:34.140 Definitely behind closed doors.

01:44:37.120 In fact, everybody was supportive behind the scenes.

01:44:40.280 Right.

01:44:40.940 And that's to my face too.

01:44:42.200 So I'm sure there was a lot of them that weren't very supportive, that weren't just going to

01:44:45.300 walk up to me.

01:44:46.120 Like I've had problems with people and I'm not going to walk up to them and be like, you

01:44:48.620 know, you're a piece of shit.

01:44:49.980 Right.

01:44:50.360 So of course nobody's saying it.

01:44:52.140 Everything's kind of, yeah.

01:44:54.140 But yeah, there were a lot of people for sure.

01:44:56.700 That's cool, man.

01:44:57.640 Yeah.

01:44:57.920 I mean, they, I think there were a lot of people that had conversations with people that knew

01:45:01.560 me, that actually knew me, that were like, oh, okay.

01:45:04.800 You know, like if you see a headline and you're like, oh shit, this guy said what?

01:45:08.600 And then you look at, or you call his friend and you're like, is he like a racist dude?

01:45:13.940 And they're like, no, not at all.

01:45:15.120 He was fucking around.

01:45:16.100 Yeah.

01:45:16.300 It changes things.

01:45:17.020 You're just like, oh, all right.

01:45:18.180 Yeah.

01:45:18.360 Because I read an article that said he was racist.

01:45:20.540 Well, it's weird because it makes it scary to talk about anything sometimes because you're

01:45:23.680 like, and it's also as podcasters, it's like,

01:45:26.300 they could go back through anything and take out three or four words from so many things.

01:45:31.400 For sure.

01:45:32.580 Absolutely.

01:45:33.820 But not many dudes are getting, I don't know, SNL seems like one of the few jobs that they

01:45:39.820 would do that for.

01:45:40.560 Like, they're not going to go back and cancel guys just willy nilly.

01:45:45.320 They're not just going to, like, it's got to be a big, you know, if you're starring in

01:45:50.560 a movie, then people might be like, all right, let's take a look at them.

01:45:53.600 Let's go listen to a couple of that.

01:45:55.040 Yeah.

01:45:55.460 See his episodes.

01:45:56.440 Yeah.

01:45:57.760 Well, Shane, man, thanks so much for having me on the show last night.

01:46:01.720 And...

01:46:01.960 Yeah, I'm a fan.

01:46:03.080 I feel like, yeah, same, man.

01:46:04.580 It's cool.

01:46:04.960 It's nice to meet you, bro.

01:46:05.740 Yeah.

01:46:06.620 And, uh, yeah, wish you the best of luck and all of that kind of jazz.

01:46:11.240 Good, man.

01:46:12.140 Hopefully you don't get in trouble from this episode.

01:46:14.200 I'm probably, we might.

01:46:15.320 Do you think we will or no?

01:46:16.120 No.

01:46:16.740 Really?

01:46:17.260 No.

01:46:17.480 See, that's what's interesting.

01:46:18.280 It's, I'm so, it's so cute.

01:46:19.740 And I'll say this, when I got in trouble, when we would get done with an episode, I'd

01:46:23.140 be like, we're going to get in trouble.

01:46:25.400 Like, I know when I...

01:46:26.640 So is it weird then that I feel that way sometimes right now?

01:46:29.220 It's never, it's never like, I've never gotten done with like an episode where we said edgy

01:46:33.660 things and been like, we're fine.

01:46:35.700 Every time if I think it's close, I'm like, you should probably delete that, huh?

01:46:39.760 That was bad.

01:46:40.640 We never delete it, but it's always like, this one, no chance.

01:46:43.780 You're totally fine.

01:46:44.740 We are?

01:46:45.220 You're fine.

01:46:45.820 I'm, I don't think I said anything that bad.

01:46:49.480 Sean, what do you think?

01:46:50.500 We're good.

01:46:51.900 Riley Mao, you're an Asian guy.

01:46:53.520 This is the guy that did it to you.

01:46:54.800 How do you feel?

01:46:57.320 I feel great.

01:46:59.020 Do you remember what happened?

01:47:00.960 I do.

01:47:02.060 Do you really?

01:47:02.520 You do?

01:47:03.660 I do.

01:47:04.380 Oh, nice.

01:47:05.600 Well, not nice, but I'm saying I'm surprised you know about it.

01:47:08.400 Because sometimes when people don't know about it, particularly when they're Asian, I got

01:47:13.380 to be like, well, here's what I said.

01:47:17.820 I'll get done with a show and there'll be Asian.

01:47:20.420 Obviously, there's Asian people that like comedy.

01:47:22.280 Right.

01:47:22.600 They come to shows and they're like, you were our favorite tonight.

01:47:25.240 What's your name?

01:47:29.120 Mark Norman.

01:47:29.780 You know what I mean?

01:47:32.840 You don't want to get hit with the fucking Google in front of you.

01:47:36.320 Like, they're like, what's your Instagram?

01:47:38.160 I'll look it up.

01:47:38.800 It's like Shane Gillis.

01:47:44.020 That was the wildest part was taking the train because I was poor when I got canceled.

01:47:49.020 Yeah.

01:47:49.380 So like, that's the only way I travel.

01:47:51.960 And like, people would be on the train like reading the news.

01:47:54.640 And for three days, I was the news.

01:47:56.700 I was the news.

01:47:57.540 So people would literally be like, like on the subway, like looking at me sitting there.

01:48:03.020 Like, did you try to look nicer when you were the news?

01:48:05.980 Did you notice at all?

01:48:07.080 Honestly, you definitely act nicer to everyone around you when you're in trouble like that.

01:48:13.100 Oh, for sure.

01:48:13.940 You want everyone to think like, he's a nice guy.

01:48:16.960 Yeah.

01:48:17.400 It's fucked up, but you definitely become a lot.

01:48:20.540 Now, maybe it's because you're not as stressed about minor things where you would have an ego

01:48:24.380 with somebody about like, did you just bump me or some bullshit like that.

01:48:28.400 Right.

01:48:28.820 When you're getting canceled, you're like, I love you.

01:48:31.860 We love each other.

01:48:32.560 Right.

01:48:33.120 It's like you want everyone to like you because you're getting destroyed publicly.

01:48:39.220 Maybe.

01:48:39.700 I wonder if that's why some comedians always want everybody.

01:48:42.100 They always.

01:48:42.960 I wonder if there's some correlation in there why a lot of comedians, that's why you want

01:48:46.880 everybody to like you because you feel like from the jump or something you've.

01:48:50.980 You feel like a bad guy.

01:48:51.920 You feel bad.

01:48:52.560 Yes.

01:48:53.400 Maybe.

01:48:54.060 I don't know.

01:48:54.680 I think a lot of comedians feel bad.

01:48:55.560 I feel bad.

01:48:56.300 Yeah.

01:48:56.660 I feel bad most of the time.

01:48:57.840 Yeah.

01:49:00.480 But yeah, when you, when you're getting in trouble, you're nice to everybody.

01:49:03.920 It's very funny.

01:49:04.680 Dang.

01:49:05.120 Yeah.

01:49:05.580 That's cool.

01:49:06.380 Yeah.

01:49:06.580 It's funny knowing that like Harvey Weinstein was probably nice as hell towards the end.

01:49:13.300 It's probably, huh?

01:49:14.080 Like when the shit hit the fan, it was probably like.

01:49:15.700 He's probably buying everybody like Harry and David baskets.

01:49:17.380 I love you guys, dude.

01:49:19.160 I fucked up.

01:49:20.180 I know I fucked up.

01:49:22.740 Damn.

01:49:23.780 Yeah.

01:49:24.120 The whole having to explain people what happened is a tough one.

01:49:27.160 Yeah.

01:49:27.780 Yeah.

01:49:28.780 Do you feel some type of way over there, Riley Mal?

01:49:32.980 Sometimes.

01:49:34.220 No.

01:49:34.360 Do you have any, do you feel anything about what Shane did?

01:49:37.240 Oh.

01:49:39.160 No, not really.

01:49:40.360 Okay.

01:49:40.820 Yeah.

01:49:41.440 I.

01:49:42.780 You guys are good.

01:49:45.140 I appreciate that.

01:49:46.480 I appreciate that.

01:49:47.300 Of course.

01:49:48.260 I didn't mean anything.

01:49:49.560 I apologize.

01:49:51.720 Thanks, Theo.

01:49:52.420 That's a good.

01:49:53.460 A little alley-oop for me?

01:49:54.680 Is that what that was?

01:49:55.300 I didn't realize that.

01:49:55.480 What the fuck did you think that was going to be?

01:49:57.100 How did you think that was going to go?

01:49:59.260 Here's the guy who did it.

01:50:00.500 Here's that son of a bitch who did it.

01:50:01.980 How do you feel about it?

01:50:02.720 I just meant.

01:50:04.360 Here's this opportunity.

01:50:06.000 I can't even see him.

01:50:07.500 Yeah.

01:50:07.820 Well, I can.

01:50:08.780 And it's not comfortable.

01:50:11.040 My bad, man.

01:50:12.320 No, it's funny.

01:50:13.500 It's very funny.

01:50:14.000 Oh, Jesus Christ, dude.

01:50:15.640 Yeah.

01:50:15.980 Bring me on and be like, we've actually brought in one of your victims.

01:50:23.000 It's like that show where you go sit with the murderer's family or whatever.

01:50:27.900 Oh, fuck.

01:50:29.520 Shane Gillis, man.

01:50:30.300 Thanks so much for coming in, bro.

01:50:31.520 Thanks for your time, dude.

01:50:32.660 Yeah, this is great.

01:50:33.720 Yeah, man.

01:50:33.900 This is great.

01:50:34.840 Thank you.

01:50:35.400 Yeah, you bet.

01:50:35.840 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze.

01:50:40.100 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:50:43.080 I must be cornerstone.

01:50:46.300 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:50:53.800 I can feel it in my bones.

01:50:57.200 But it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.

01:51:09.480 Shine that light on the breeze.

01:51:10.720 Shine that light on me.

01:51:15.720 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

01:51:19.240 Shine on me.

01:51:24.160 And I will find a song.

01:51:28.400 I will sing it just for you.

01:51:36.160 And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past.

01:51:44.220 And these rails that I've been riding on, they weren't so thin that they're damn near gone.

01:51:52.660 I guess now they just weren't built.

01:51:54.980 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:52:07.380 The answer may shock you.

01:52:09.120 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:52:11.180 Sometimes I won't.

01:52:12.860 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:52:15.800 You have three new voice messages.

01:52:18.820 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:52:21.440 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:52:24.400 Longer than anybody else.

01:52:26.060 So great.

01:52:27.380 Aye, sweetheart.

01:52:29.040 Here's the deal.

01:52:30.380 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:52:34.300 Jermaine.

01:52:36.200 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:52:39.380 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:52:41.460 Oh, no!

01:52:43.700 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:52:46.140 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:52:50.140 Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:52:54.600 Third rule.

01:52:55.520 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:52:58.260 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:53:00.360 And yes, don't worry.

01:53:01.640 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 14, 2021

E353 Shane Gillis

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