This Past Weekend with Theo Von

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00:01:50.040 TheZebra.com slash Theo.

00:01:52.680 Hey, guys.

00:01:53.500 I want to apologize for not having a solo episode this week.

00:01:57.460 Just been dealing with some stuff and have doing some work, too.

00:02:03.400 So just been a lot of different things on the plate at this moment.

00:02:05.940 But I love you guys, and I'm so fortunate to have today's guest in.

00:02:10.980 This guy has been entertaining humans and animals, even.

00:02:15.980 I mean, heck, the guy's been an animal and entertained humans as an animal.

00:02:22.620 He's done it in animation, real life, flesh and bone, verbal, audio, visual.

00:02:30.400 This guy's done it all.

00:02:32.240 He's done it for decades now.

00:02:33.680 You know him probably most recently from America's Got Talent.

00:02:38.500 I know him.

00:02:39.100 At one point, he was my boss.

00:02:41.320 And I'm so grateful to have the hilarious, the timeless comedian, Mr. Howie Mandel.

00:02:51.440 For me to set that parking brake

00:02:54.860 And let myself unwind

00:02:57.620 Shine that light on me

00:03:01.600 I'll sit and tell you my stories

00:03:07.300 Shine on me

00:03:12.300 And I will find a song

00:03:16.520 I've been singing

00:03:17.700 I've been singing just

00:03:18.620 Yeah, I just wonder, like, because I remember when I was a kid, sometimes if we did something bad, then we would come downstairs.

00:03:34.040 We would try to get my mom to let us watch TV.

00:03:36.500 That was the big thing.

00:03:38.080 And it was...

00:03:38.520 You're not allowed to watch TV?

00:03:39.880 As a kid, no, not if we were bad.

00:03:42.700 That's what they held from you, TV?

00:03:44.320 Yeah.

00:03:44.600 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:03:45.100 Wow.

00:03:46.920 Wow.

00:03:47.840 Yeah, they held that TV.

00:03:48.960 And it was the main...

00:03:49.780 You know, we had, I think...

00:03:51.280 This TV was probably...

00:03:52.380 It was a pretty tiny TV, maybe 14 inches, you know?

00:03:54.980 It was one of those.

00:03:55.900 Size doesn't matter.

00:03:56.940 Which you had to get...

00:03:57.740 Yeah.

00:03:58.340 You had to get close to it.

00:03:59.560 You know, you had to get real close.

00:04:00.980 Right.

00:04:01.600 So anyway, we'd come down and, like, perform for my mom so that she would let us...

00:04:07.040 You'd have to dance for TV time.

00:04:08.900 Yeah.

00:04:09.120 And that's like Vaughn's Got Talent.

00:04:13.600 Yeah, yeah.

00:04:13.980 It was kind of like Vaughn's Got Talent.

00:04:15.120 You know, it was like the Vaughn...

00:04:16.060 And instead of a million dollars or a show in Vegas, you just get to watch a show on a

00:04:20.060 14-inch black and white TV.

00:04:22.520 Yeah, and it was usually like...

00:04:23.840 Yeah, a lot of times it was, you know, Bob Saget's show with the...

00:04:28.440 Full House.

00:04:29.020 Full House or...

00:04:30.360 You would dance to watch Full House?

00:04:32.380 Yeah, when I look back on it, I think I should have just, you know, I should have danced

00:04:35.780 for something better.

00:04:36.400 Sometimes it was honestly the one with John Walsh, the missing people, you know, where

00:04:40.740 the people go...

00:04:41.560 Yeah, America's Most Wanted.

00:04:44.880 Yeah.

00:04:45.060 Right.

00:04:45.760 Which actually, actually ended up catching people.

00:04:48.480 Yeah.

00:04:48.940 That TV show.

00:04:49.960 Oh, yeah.

00:04:50.240 They did...

00:04:50.260 I still watch that.

00:04:51.240 I like that.

00:04:51.820 And I like Cops.

00:04:53.060 I liked all those...

00:04:54.600 The mic's open.

00:04:56.980 Sorry.

00:04:57.720 It's okay.

00:04:59.760 Is somebody...

00:05:00.400 Was that somebody breathing?

00:05:01.200 Yeah, just Nick, so I just wasn't going to try to get him to close that night.

00:05:03.400 Was that Nick, your breathing?

00:05:04.960 Yeah, I had the speaker way too loud in there.

00:05:07.500 My voice was probably way too loud.

00:05:08.920 No, it's not even your voice.

00:05:10.260 It's just that I was starting...

00:05:11.500 We were talking...

00:05:12.200 I would get nervous.

00:05:13.020 No, but I was talking, and then I heard heavy breathing, and I thought, oh, my God,

00:05:16.660 your fan base for this podcast really enjoys...

00:05:19.760 Like, this is...

00:05:20.740 I've been on a lot of podcasts, but I've never heard the enjoyment of the audience coming

00:05:25.380 through.

00:05:26.540 You know, it was just like...

00:05:27.200 Thanks, Nick.

00:05:31.720 They're separate audio tracks.

00:05:32.740 Sometimes they remove it.

00:05:33.580 Sometimes it's an extra layer.

00:05:35.100 I don't know.

00:05:35.400 Yeah.

00:05:35.780 Oh, you don't know...

00:05:36.860 So, like, this may have been removed in post-production before it went out?

00:05:40.580 Yeah.

00:05:40.860 So then I come off like an asshole talking about breathing that only I heard?

00:05:45.340 But now I'm going to keep it in?

00:05:46.280 Well, no, if you keep it out, then you can cut out this part, too.

00:05:50.340 But this is hilarious.

00:05:51.440 Yeah, I think at this point...

00:05:52.340 I don't know.

00:05:52.640 He got a free...

00:05:53.720 He got a Groupon for a Lamaze course, too, that he's using as, like, kind of a...

00:05:57.680 To meet women.

00:05:58.260 I love that.

00:05:59.300 That's a great way to meet women.

00:06:01.280 Yeah.

00:06:01.760 And you're not seeing them at their best.

00:06:04.800 Have you ever been with a pregnant woman, Theo?

00:06:08.780 I don't know.

00:06:10.580 Not the...

00:06:10.940 No, you would know.

00:06:11.520 You wouldn't know.

00:06:12.200 Oh, then no.

00:06:12.920 No, I haven't been with, like, somebody that's passed, like, probably a week or two.

00:06:17.880 Oh, okay.

00:06:19.200 I don't think, anyway.

00:06:20.740 Not in my lifetime.

00:06:22.780 I have.

00:06:23.640 But it was my wife.

00:06:24.500 Oh, okay.

00:06:24.980 But I'm talking about, like, sex in the third trimester.

00:06:28.800 No.

00:06:29.680 Oh, my God.

00:06:31.220 What you do is you don't want to hurt the baby, right?

00:06:33.700 So you don't want to lie on top, and you don't want her to lie on top of you.

00:06:36.320 What we used to do is just butter the table, and then lie her on the table, and I just grab

00:06:41.660 the ankles, and then slide her back and forth.

00:06:43.600 And that way, there's no pressure on her abdomen or, you know.

00:06:47.940 That's an Emeril Lagasse method, too.

00:06:49.900 I feel like he...

00:06:51.940 That has, like, a lot of...

00:06:53.620 Pow.

00:06:54.180 Yeah.

00:06:54.980 Is that what he says?

00:06:55.960 Bang.

00:06:56.520 Pow.

00:06:56.720 Bam.

00:06:57.180 Bam.

00:06:58.320 Right.

00:06:58.760 I forgot.

00:06:59.560 Thank you.

00:07:00.100 Bam.

00:07:00.420 Yeah.

00:07:01.000 What did you turn on now, Nick?

00:07:02.540 There's a humming noise.

00:07:03.800 That's the elevator.

00:07:04.700 That's the elevator.

00:07:05.440 Yeah.

00:07:05.640 That's just a rent-ish.

00:07:06.660 It's just why we pay a low rent.

00:07:08.900 Do the people at home hear that?

00:07:11.660 Well, there's a lot of background noises that I'm hearing, and...

00:07:14.880 A lot going on in here.

00:07:16.460 The people...

00:07:17.480 Well, a lot of it is...

00:07:18.420 The part of the elevator I don't mind is it's a lot of senior citizens going to get checked

00:07:23.340 out.

00:07:24.420 Is this a medical building we're in?

00:07:25.900 Yes, medical building.

00:07:26.480 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:07:27.680 No, I'm not.

00:07:28.600 What is this?

00:07:29.360 This is not, like, an infectious disease center?

00:07:32.040 No.

00:07:32.420 No, it's not.

00:07:32.920 What kind of doctor are we right next to?

00:07:35.620 Lots of mental health.

00:07:36.960 Lots of...

00:07:37.080 Oh, then that's okay.

00:07:37.820 Lots of dads coming alone, and women coming with kids, and then they meet and go to meetings.

00:07:42.700 Oh, mediators.

00:07:43.840 Yeah.

00:07:44.480 The divorce.

00:07:45.200 Well, that's different than a medical building.

00:07:46.920 There's divorce, and there was pornography for a bit down the hall.

00:07:49.620 You had pornography down the hall?

00:07:51.120 We didn't, but somebody did.

00:07:52.460 With Nick's breathing, he could almost have it.

00:07:54.000 But you could hear some, some of you could hear, I couldn't tell if it was argued, like

00:08:00.600 contractual arguments through the wall, or what it was, you know, but you could hear

00:08:04.560 a bit of tussling, kind of.

00:08:07.560 When I, I don't know that people know this, but I did, years ago, I did the movie Gremlins,

00:08:12.820 and I'm gizmo.

00:08:13.680 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:15.900 It's gizmo.

00:08:16.740 Yeah.

00:08:16.920 But, you know, I had to audition to get that, and I auditioned in a building in Burbank,

00:08:22.240 not unlike this building here, and I didn't know that it was a medical building, and the

00:08:27.100 casting person had rented an office in the medical building.

00:08:30.020 So, I was going for the audition for Gremlins, and it wasn't just me to play gizmos, all

00:08:36.200 the, all that, but as I went up the stairs, all I heard is a woman's voice going, oh, oh,

00:08:45.600 ow, ow, ow, that's all I heard, and I thought, oh, she's going to get the part.

00:08:51.820 And then, I, it was, so it was right next to an OBGYN, some gynecologist, and she was

00:08:58.720 having a procedure.

00:08:59.480 I assumed she was having a procedure.

00:09:01.080 Yeah.

00:09:01.520 Maybe she wasn't.

00:09:02.260 Maybe she's just a complainer sitting in the waiting room.

00:09:04.720 Yeah.

00:09:05.180 Yelling, ow.

00:09:06.400 Yeah.

00:09:07.200 But, and then I got the part.

00:09:09.220 I went into the wrong office.

00:09:10.320 I went into the gynecology.

00:09:11.280 No, I did, but then they said, no, next door, because I was the only guy.

00:09:14.600 I went, you're going, I couldn't beat that.

00:09:16.340 She's going, ow, and I'm going, oh, oh, did you, did you practice that voice before you

00:09:25.440 went, or did you kind of just go on the fly?

00:09:27.320 No, I didn't practice.

00:09:28.260 That's the only voice I do.

00:09:29.320 You know, people, I think we talked about that before.

00:09:31.440 I do.

00:09:31.900 I was, it was part of my act.

00:09:33.900 I was 11 years old, and I was at a birthday party, and I was choking on a piece of cake,

00:09:37.680 and you know when it goes halfway down your throat, and then you can't dislodge it?

00:09:40.960 I think there was something in the, you know, when someone's laughing, I was going, help

00:09:46.700 me, help me, help me, help me.

00:09:50.500 And they were doing that.

00:09:51.440 They were laughing.

00:09:52.080 I'm saying, help me, and you're laughing.

00:09:54.560 Everybody at the party was laughing.

00:09:55.980 I'm going, I can't breathe.

00:09:57.720 There's something halfway down my throat.

00:10:00.260 Please help me.

00:10:01.980 And they were laughing.

00:10:03.140 That sounds like what I heard through the wall with the pornography group, actually,

00:10:06.040 that exact quote.

00:10:07.000 Really?

00:10:08.240 That exact quote?

00:10:09.800 There's something halfway down my throat.

00:10:11.000 And then I dislodged it, but when I went home, my memory was the trauma of almost choking

00:10:18.540 and dying, but more importantly, what stood over that was everybody at the party was looking

00:10:23.020 at me and laughing at me, and I thought, oh my God, if I could just bring myself this

00:10:26.000 close to death each and every night, I could be an entertainer.

00:10:29.140 I could be in show business.

00:10:30.120 I could, so I practiced without my, without cake.

00:10:35.700 So, you know, you could do it.

00:10:37.380 It's just like you take the nipple of a balloon.

00:10:40.260 You know, when you blow up a balloon and you stretch a balloon?

00:10:42.420 Mm-hmm.

00:10:43.500 So that's not my voice.

00:10:44.840 I'm not, I'm not talking.

00:10:46.560 Like, no, it's not doing that.

00:10:48.400 If you close your throat.

00:10:49.520 Can you, can you try it?

00:10:52.500 That's all right.

00:10:53.280 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:55.300 Oh, there, right there.

00:10:57.560 Oh, it's happening.

00:10:58.600 This is a really bad ASMR.

00:11:00.700 Yeah.

00:11:01.100 Wow.

00:11:01.860 But it's good.

00:11:02.420 The weird thing is there's some Star Trek fan out there probably getting erect right

00:11:05.660 now.

00:11:06.220 Yeah.

00:11:07.900 So I, now I, I did that voice and that became part of my act.

00:11:11.860 And then I did, I got a job on a show called Muppet Babies.

00:11:16.480 Oh, yeah.

00:11:17.160 And I'm Skeeter.

00:11:18.540 I'm Skeeter.

00:11:19.300 I'm a, oh, Skeeter.

00:11:20.940 Skeeter is that.

00:11:22.340 Yeah.

00:11:22.960 You know, is Skeeter.

00:11:23.720 Skeeter's kind of the ones he's, yeah, he's more, he's multi-gender.

00:11:27.280 He's everything kind of.

00:11:28.600 Oh, what is his pronoun?

00:11:30.000 Oh, I think his pronouns is just everything.

00:11:33.120 I'll go mas, you know.

00:11:34.420 It's like everything in Spanish, I think.

00:11:36.300 Wouldn't Skeeter have a gender, did he?

00:11:38.200 I don't know.

00:11:39.340 Yeah.

00:11:39.560 So that was, that was the voice.

00:11:41.060 I don't know.

00:11:41.860 I don't know what I had.

00:11:43.940 My pronoun is everybody.

00:11:46.200 There you go.

00:11:46.980 Yeah, okay.

00:11:47.500 That's Skeeter.

00:11:48.040 So that was Skeeter.

00:11:49.420 And then a couple of years later, I got Bobby's World.

00:11:52.460 Yeah.

00:11:52.500 And I decided to use the Skeeter voice.

00:11:54.340 So I did this.

00:11:55.400 So it's Skeeter, this is Bobby.

00:11:56.920 Yeah.

00:11:57.220 And then years later, when I saw my gynecologist, I got Gizmo and I did, so they're all the same.

00:12:04.980 A whole array of voices.

00:12:06.340 I did other voices on the, on Muppet Babies.

00:12:10.020 Yeah.

00:12:10.120 I was also Bunsen Honeydew.

00:12:12.100 Oh, I don't remember that.

00:12:12.860 Will you bring up Bunsen, please?

00:12:13.860 Bunsen Honeydew, if you don't listen to me, I'll make your sister disappear.

00:12:18.500 It was that, and I was Animal.

00:12:21.260 Go, bye-bye.

00:12:22.760 Oh, that's cool, bro.

00:12:24.560 Go, bye-bye.

00:12:25.640 And then I was busy and I was on the road.

00:12:28.840 And then, who took over for me on that?

00:12:30.860 I think it was Dave Coulier.

00:12:31.920 You guys almost look the same now.

00:12:33.360 It does look like me.

00:12:35.100 I didn't realize that.

00:12:36.980 Bunsen Honeydew looks exactly like me.

00:12:40.080 Oh, shit.

00:12:41.580 That is so fucking great.

00:12:43.520 I never...

00:12:44.140 You might have to rebirth.

00:12:45.260 You might tell me.

00:12:45.760 You gotta do...

00:12:46.320 Oh, my God.

00:12:47.700 It's me.

00:12:48.780 Look at me.

00:12:50.200 How did it...

00:12:50.820 It's not the future.

00:12:51.840 The puppet is designed.

00:12:52.980 You gotta see Bunsen Honeydew.

00:12:54.880 They could see this.

00:12:55.520 They're watching this on YouTube, right?

00:12:56.620 Yeah.

00:12:56.940 Art imitates life, man.

00:12:58.100 That's the facts, man.

00:12:58.640 Oh, my God.

00:12:59.080 I didn't know.

00:13:00.320 Holy...

00:13:01.480 It's like my new headshot.

00:13:03.660 There you are.

00:13:04.300 Yeah.

00:13:04.580 That is gonna be my new headshot.

00:13:06.100 Rich is in there.

00:13:06.800 Rich, it works with me.

00:13:07.780 We gotta just give out Bunsen Honeydew pictures.

00:13:10.220 I love that.

00:13:11.060 Oh, my God.

00:13:11.840 Look at all of them.

00:13:12.740 What are you getting...

00:13:13.540 What is all that?

00:13:14.560 And there's merchandise.

00:13:16.100 Oh, that's Google.

00:13:16.680 Let me just look where you went to the beach

00:13:17.780 so you can see them tanned up a little bit there

00:13:19.740 in some of those.

00:13:21.340 Yeah.

00:13:21.540 Oh, my God.

00:13:22.720 I was a good-looking...

00:13:23.800 I had no idea that I was voicing my own future.

00:13:26.680 And that's me.

00:13:29.140 Oh, yeah.

00:13:29.440 If you learn nothing to me, my sister...

00:13:30.480 Well, I think that's not baby Bunsen.

00:13:32.580 Was there a baby Bunsen?

00:13:34.220 It's Muppet...

00:13:34.820 Go Muppet Babies Bunsen Honeydew.

00:13:37.560 That's the regular Bunsen Honeydew.

00:13:40.640 I was a Muppet...

00:13:41.780 There I am.

00:13:42.720 Oh, shit.

00:13:43.840 Even more.

00:13:45.860 Even more like me.

00:13:48.340 And there he is with an eight ball, too.

00:13:50.100 And that was obviously...

00:13:50.860 Right, and look at the glasses.

00:13:51.880 I have my own...

00:13:53.020 An eight ball.

00:13:54.180 You're going through a tough time, bro.

00:13:55.780 I am.

00:13:55.920 You know, we talked about it before we went on the air.

00:13:57.640 Mental health.

00:13:58.260 I've been dealing with it from the beginning.

00:13:59.880 And look, there's mentioning...

00:14:01.600 There's my new glass line.

00:14:03.180 I had...

00:14:03.860 He was...

00:14:04.180 You know, I got into the glasses business.

00:14:05.820 Did you eyeless?

00:14:06.680 Just people are going totally eyeless now?

00:14:08.900 Well, that's why he needs glasses.

00:14:10.340 He has no eyes.

00:14:11.220 No eyes.

00:14:11.640 He only uses those for...

00:14:13.220 I've never seen somebody wear glasses without actual eyeballs.

00:14:17.160 Until you, bro.

00:14:18.080 As a baby.

00:14:18.660 That's me.

00:14:19.020 That's who you were.

00:14:20.200 Well, because I didn't want to be called four eyes.

00:14:21.840 I wanted to be called no eyes.

00:14:22.960 No eyes.

00:14:23.460 I like that.

00:14:23.900 Yeah, but this is...

00:14:25.320 I started also predicting the future.

00:14:27.780 So I'm doing that character.

00:14:28.840 I had no idea that one day I would shave my head.

00:14:30.700 There is one hair on there, isn't there?

00:14:32.180 At the top.

00:14:33.360 Is there one hair?

00:14:34.280 There seems to be like a little...

00:14:35.740 Oh, yes.

00:14:35.780 Do you see that?

00:14:36.400 Mm-hmm.

00:14:36.660 Yeah.

00:14:37.500 If you pull that, it undoes my belly button.

00:14:40.280 Yes.

00:14:41.580 And then I didn't know I'd have my own line of glasses.

00:14:45.580 I have my own line of glasses.

00:14:46.940 That'd be so funny if you pull that and your belly button just came untone.

00:14:51.800 Haven't you ever done that?

00:14:52.560 Have you ever cleaned the lint?

00:14:54.900 Oh, yeah.

00:14:55.300 There's...

00:14:55.660 I get a lot of lint in my belly button, and sometimes when I start pulling the lint out,

00:15:00.540 I unravel my underpants.

00:15:02.400 That's insane, man.

00:15:03.980 What?

00:15:05.300 You've never done that?

00:15:07.320 No, I never had.

00:15:08.200 I mean, I've had...

00:15:08.940 What happens to me is I'll wear, like, a blue socks, and then I'll just...

00:15:14.280 My whole foot will be blue for...

00:15:16.040 I thought you were going...

00:15:16.940 I thought I wear blue socks, and then my belly button's filled with all this blue lint,

00:15:20.540 and I was thinking, how does that even...

00:15:21.840 Oh, no.

00:15:22.200 I didn't even help your joke.

00:15:23.100 I should have, man.

00:15:23.680 No, you're not helping a joke.

00:15:24.840 I'm just...

00:15:25.280 I was...

00:15:26.240 I thought it was going a different place than it was going.

00:15:29.320 But, yeah, sometimes with a blue sock, you have blue lint.

00:15:31.740 Yeah.

00:15:32.380 And it gets all in between my toes, and sometimes I'll wear, like, a sweater or something,

00:15:35.840 and then my belly button looks like it has, like, a kind of an art project going on.

00:15:40.260 It's amazing what, like, the amount of stuff that...

00:15:43.580 Well, I couldn't speak for you, but for myself, the amount of carry-on that I can bring on

00:15:48.060 to any flight, which is my belly button.

00:15:51.280 It's not even a joke.

00:15:52.560 There's just been so...

00:15:53.380 And then this is the other thing.

00:15:54.820 I'm a little bit of a hoarder, so, like, I'll pick it out, but I don't throw it away.

00:15:58.900 Yeah.

00:15:59.340 So my side table beside my bed is filled with about three years' worth of stuff that I've

00:16:04.240 picked out of my belly button.

00:16:05.220 Oh, you're halfway to a mitten, dude.

00:16:06.580 You should do a mitten...

00:16:07.580 You should do, like, a locks for lust, kind of, but make it, like, a make something, you

00:16:10.880 know?

00:16:11.620 Somebody who has cold hands or something, it's like one of, you know, Howie Mandel's lint

00:16:17.680 button mittens, you know?

00:16:20.140 I love that idea.

00:16:21.420 It's pretty...

00:16:21.880 It is a good idea.

00:16:22.920 And you just come up with this, like, off the top of your head?

00:16:26.200 Yeah.

00:16:26.560 I almost wish that I hadn't told you that idea.

00:16:28.300 You know, I had a weird dream last night when I was going to be on.

00:16:31.000 I did...

00:16:31.600 I had a dream last night that I was attacked...

00:16:33.440 I don't know what...

00:16:33.960 I was attacked by three different hamsters, gerbils, and guinea pigs.

00:16:38.220 Oh, dude.

00:16:38.820 Well, and that's definitely...

00:16:39.980 That's a warning sign right there.

00:16:41.480 And then...

00:16:41.920 I sent those through my subconscious.

00:16:43.860 I did it, because when I think of you, I went to bed thinking, okay, tomorrow I'm going

00:16:46.880 to be on Theo's show.

00:16:49.260 And that's the last memory I have before I fell asleep.

00:16:52.900 And then...

00:16:53.340 That ground game, baby, that small ground game.

00:16:55.540 You know, a lot of that market went to Russia.

00:16:57.520 Do you know that?

00:16:58.900 Oh, the hamster?

00:16:59.980 A lot of hamster, gerbils, g-pigs.

00:17:02.640 Will you look them up, maybe, Nick?

00:17:03.820 The Roborovskis?

00:17:05.580 The Robor...

00:17:06.120 It's a family business?

00:17:07.480 I mean, look, I don't know if it is or not.

00:17:09.100 It became a family business?

00:17:10.440 The hamster business?

00:17:11.180 But the Roborovskis, a lot of that market when I was...

00:17:14.120 Russian dwarf hamsters?

00:17:15.460 Oh, when I was young, they were straight American, man.

00:17:17.700 I mean, you got them right here.

00:17:19.180 How do you know the difference between a Russian hamster and an American hamster?

00:17:22.880 A lot of it's in the width, I don't want to say the thigh gap, but it's like the width

00:17:26.860 of their legs, how far apart they are from each other.

00:17:28.520 How far apart their legs are?

00:17:30.760 Yeah.

00:17:31.360 So, do Russian hamsters have bigger nuts?

00:17:35.240 I wouldn't say bigger nuts.

00:17:36.720 Actually, maybe that's why they have that extra space there.

00:17:39.360 What do you mean, the legs are just further apart, but nothing is filling it more?

00:17:42.560 It's just more space?

00:17:43.580 The legs are a little bit further apart.

00:17:45.320 Now, if you get those Roborovskis or those white...

00:17:47.520 A lot of the dwarf hamster businesses come out of Russia.

00:17:49.820 They're over there in basements.

00:17:51.600 They're dark art and brother.

00:17:52.760 They're doing it all.

00:17:54.160 You know, I'm surprised some...

00:17:55.520 That's a Syrian.

00:17:55.980 That's a Syrian hamster.

00:17:57.180 Oh, it is?

00:17:57.740 No, the left is an American hamster.

00:17:59.780 The right is a Roborovsky Russian hamster.

00:18:02.440 See, the Roborovsky's putting his hands together.

00:18:04.260 He's plotting.

00:18:05.340 You see how they're doing, Howie?

00:18:06.440 You know what's weird that you're showing me these things and I'm really into it, but

00:18:09.780 you talk about them like if I go to a jeweler and I want to buy a stone or a diamond for my...

00:18:14.320 No, this is the Roborovsky crystal and it's got an incline cut and it's got a clarity of

00:18:20.580 six.

00:18:20.820 You talk about hamsters in the same way a jeweler talks about diamonds.

00:18:24.720 Oh, these are gems, baby.

00:18:26.020 These are...

00:18:26.960 So are they shipping these here illegally?

00:18:29.560 I wouldn't say illegally.

00:18:30.960 I don't think that...

00:18:31.680 I mean, I don't know what they were doing at the time, but when I was young, it was all

00:18:34.900 American hamster.

00:18:35.660 You picked up a hamster, you could hear Lynyrd Skynyrd, you know?

00:18:38.480 Oh, wow.

00:18:38.780 Or you could hear Barbra Streisand.

00:18:41.180 But now...

00:18:41.680 Streisand?

00:18:42.320 You could hear, yeah.

00:18:43.500 Barbra Streisand?

00:18:44.820 Yeah.

00:18:45.360 Not Barbra Streisand.

00:18:47.020 You could hear both of them if you wanted.

00:18:49.100 Or is Barbra Streisand a place where you went to go buy Roborovsky's?

00:18:53.200 Oh, at the Barbra Streisand?

00:18:54.340 At the Barbra Streisand.

00:18:55.500 Yeah, there you go, yes.

00:18:56.380 People who need Roborovsky are the luckiest people in the world.

00:19:00.920 Yeah.

00:19:01.440 You know what's great?

00:19:02.420 I love that you come up with something and then your producer, Nick, has to, like, with

00:19:05.920 not even a smile, just a serious look, is searching the web for the Roborovsky dwarf

00:19:11.280 hamster breeding...

00:19:12.620 Look at them.

00:19:13.820 I mean...

00:19:14.020 But it seems like it's the dwarf hamsters, Roborovskys, they're from Russia.

00:19:18.280 It seems to be like a dark arts, like a...

00:19:21.120 There seems to be something evil.

00:19:24.140 Sinister.

00:19:24.820 Right?

00:19:25.100 And if you look at them, man, I remember when I was young, there was a...

00:19:28.460 The smaller hamsters the stores were selling, they were fuller.

00:19:32.280 They had a little bit more life in them.

00:19:34.140 You looked like maybe after school, after the day at the pet shop, they went home to

00:19:39.200 loving families, you know, they had dinner at a small table.

00:19:42.420 But you look at these Roborovskys, man, it looked like they're doing cigarettes, they're,

00:19:46.400 you know, they're sleeping on stat, you know, sleeping all on, you know, a lot of groups

00:19:51.220 in one bed.

00:19:52.080 This is horribly sad.

00:19:53.160 We should get, is there somebody like Sarah McLachlan that could sing a song about the

00:19:58.060 Russian hamsters?

00:19:59.560 In the small arms of the angels.

00:20:03.120 Yeah.

00:20:03.580 And you have all these Russian hamsters just looking really sad.

00:20:07.060 You should put together a video.

00:20:09.020 That wouldn't be a bad idea.

00:20:10.520 It would.

00:20:10.680 For a dollar a day.

00:20:13.080 Yeah.

00:20:13.540 You can...

00:20:14.740 Less than that.

00:20:15.860 How much does it cost to feed a hamster a day?

00:20:18.060 What do hamsters eat?

00:20:19.060 I bet a dime.

00:20:20.340 A lot of them usually eat like a mix.

00:20:22.440 They'll eat like a...

00:20:23.800 I'm going to bring it up, Nick.

00:20:24.620 Do you have one?

00:20:25.380 Everything I ask, Nick has the answer to.

00:20:27.360 Yeah.

00:20:27.660 Bring up that ham food mix, Daddy.

00:20:29.580 Do you own a hamster now?

00:20:31.740 I don't have any right now, man.

00:20:32.760 The last thing I had was two big G-pigs, baby.

00:20:35.960 What is the difference between a guinea pig and a hamster?

00:20:38.980 The difference between a guinea pig and a hamster, most of all, is size.

00:20:42.540 Between their legs?

00:20:44.020 No, I think overall.

00:20:45.420 Oh, that's the Russian versus the American.

00:20:47.040 Yeah, that's Russian versus American is definitely...

00:20:49.180 It's a kind of a...

00:20:51.080 You got a hardier kind of a...

00:20:53.320 What is it called?

00:20:54.120 The bottom of a car.

00:20:55.520 Chassis?

00:20:56.060 Yeah.

00:20:56.820 Yeah.

00:20:57.000 You got a wider chassis on there.

00:20:59.000 Is that what they're referred to in the hamster world or the G world?

00:21:02.100 What's the gerbil?

00:21:03.820 Yeah, gerbil or gerbil, some people call him.

00:21:06.660 Wasn't gerbil a Nazi?

00:21:07.960 Wasn't he one of the...

00:21:08.740 I don't know about that.

00:21:09.380 Yeah, gerbil, general gerbil was a Nazi.

00:21:12.200 You're asking...

00:21:13.620 I think he was.

00:21:14.980 He was...

00:21:15.820 Well, I don't think...

00:21:16.560 Look him up.

00:21:18.240 Yeah.

00:21:18.780 Look up gerbil.

00:21:19.920 Lieutenant gerbil, Nazi.

00:21:21.260 Gerbil, Nazi.

00:21:22.660 Gerbil, there he is.

00:21:23.660 There he is.

00:21:24.080 Oh, that's him.

00:21:26.220 Joseph gerbil.

00:21:27.300 Joseph gerbil.

00:21:28.180 He was a Nazi.

00:21:29.360 Oh, damn.

00:21:30.120 There he was.

00:21:30.780 What?

00:21:31.060 Yeah, no, it's a famous...

00:21:32.920 You don't...

00:21:33.440 That's why I've never been able to be comfortable around gerbils.

00:21:36.980 Oh, really?

00:21:37.440 I could see that.

00:21:38.000 That's a little, furry, adorable Nazi, and I didn't want him in my house.

00:21:41.620 If they walk in like this, I'm sure it's a little dicey.

00:21:44.080 Right.

00:21:44.900 And every time I opened the oven, they would get excited.

00:21:47.520 Oh, yeah.

00:21:47.980 I want them to start...

00:21:48.640 They start clapping.

00:21:49.320 Yeah, so I had to...

00:21:50.620 Is that bad?

00:21:51.420 I don't know.

00:21:51.880 Is that cancel material?

00:21:52.960 Look, that's...

00:21:53.600 No, it's...

00:21:54.100 That's factual.

00:21:55.240 That is factual.

00:21:56.200 That's factual.

00:21:56.880 And, you know, we must never forget.

00:21:58.560 Yeah.

00:21:59.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:59.600 Okay.

00:22:00.340 That's...

00:22:00.800 We must never forget F-U-R should be a pet shop.

00:22:04.240 I love that.

00:22:06.460 Wow.

00:22:07.100 Heil Hamster.

00:22:07.920 It's for kosher pets.

00:22:10.560 Well, I don't know.

00:22:11.340 The gerbil is the kosher pet.

00:22:12.740 What is he known for?

00:22:13.640 I can't read it from here.

00:22:14.720 What is he known for?

00:22:16.040 He was a politician.

00:22:17.740 He was one of Hitler's closest confidants.

00:22:20.560 Oh, he was a minister of propaganda.

00:22:22.480 Oh, he was a secret keeper.

00:22:24.100 Yes, he was the minister of propaganda.

00:22:26.540 And he was chancellor for one day of Germany.

00:22:28.620 Ooh, chancellor for a day.

00:22:30.620 That sounds like a bad game show.

00:22:32.420 Yeah.

00:22:33.640 Chancellor for a day.

00:22:35.520 You will play and you will like it.

00:22:39.600 Wow.

00:22:42.040 What is a game show?

00:22:44.640 Honestly, Hollywood.

00:22:46.660 Honestly, Howie Wood.

00:22:48.380 When you look back, what is a game show or even a pilot that you did where you were like,

00:22:52.360 you know, I don't know if that one, if we had it fully baked, that one, you know?

00:22:57.700 Oh, that's like every two weeks.

00:22:59.980 But I come up with something.

00:23:01.260 But I've done some really, really bad shitty shows.

00:23:05.140 Have you?

00:23:05.840 Oh, horrible.

00:23:07.080 Horrible.

00:23:07.480 I'm always doing shitty shows.

00:23:10.960 In fact, up until the few hits that I've had recently, I think I was more known for the shit than I was for the good.

00:23:17.340 Wow, really?

00:23:17.880 Yeah.

00:23:18.280 I did really bad movies in the 80s.

00:23:20.480 That was my thing.

00:23:21.240 That was my niche.

00:23:22.180 That was my, you know, yeah.

00:23:25.000 I didn't intend on them.

00:23:26.500 Oh, now you're going to put it up my whole, look at any of these names.

00:23:31.060 Okay, go up first.

00:23:33.100 Let's start earlier.

00:23:33.840 Okay.

00:23:34.440 Okay.

00:23:35.000 No.

00:23:36.240 Where did I come from?

00:23:37.540 Oh, that's not good.

00:23:40.200 But you got Gremlins early.

00:23:41.540 That's 1984.

00:23:42.540 So that's, people love that.

00:23:43.500 There's the Muppet Babies.

00:23:45.000 Go earlier, earlier, earlier, earlier.

00:23:48.540 St. Elsewhere.

00:23:49.320 That was huge.

00:23:49.540 Okay, these are pilots that didn't work.

00:23:51.060 I know, but those are the good things.

00:23:52.360 But a lot of these things didn't work.

00:23:54.500 I was on a good grief on Fox.

00:23:58.840 And what was that?

00:24:00.320 On Fox.

00:24:00.800 People are having a tough time.

00:24:01.460 I was the owner of a, what's it called?

00:24:05.600 A funeral home.

00:24:07.160 Ooh.

00:24:07.400 I was the owner of a funeral home.

00:24:08.800 And it was 10 episodes.

00:24:09.880 There I am.

00:24:10.960 Look at me.

00:24:12.020 Had a good cast.

00:24:13.840 But that was the worst show.

00:24:15.460 Was it?

00:24:15.880 I think it was.

00:24:16.800 And it wasn't fun.

00:24:18.240 And I didn't have a good time.

00:24:19.980 And it kind of stopped my career for a long time.

00:24:23.640 Good grief, huh?

00:24:24.800 Yeah, there you go.

00:24:25.720 No, I was at the end of my, you know, what year was that?

00:24:29.400 That was probably 1990, right?

00:24:32.120 Yeah, 1990.

00:24:33.460 And then that was the beginning of the drop for me.

00:24:36.720 My career just went into the fucking toilet.

00:24:39.120 I remember you and Rich telling me at a time that you had thought about kind of hanging it up for a while.

00:24:43.420 No, I was over.

00:24:44.180 In 2005, I was done.

00:24:46.040 You know, I had been, I kind of, I was on St. Elsewhere.

00:24:48.780 And I had done young comedian specials.

00:24:50.980 And then, and then around 2004, I wasn't selling hard tickets anymore.

00:24:58.100 I was playing comedy clubs half full and all over the country, which is, you know, a grind.

00:25:03.860 It's a grind if they're full, but it's even more of a grind when really nobody's showing up to see you.

00:25:08.480 And, um, I was reading for parts.

00:25:11.300 I was sitting in casting offices, reading for five lines and under.

00:25:14.780 And I, you know, and.

00:25:15.800 Did you feel embarrassed or dejected at all or no?

00:25:17.760 Not, I mean, were you able to manage like, cause that's what I would, you know, Hollywood has so much of like a.

00:25:22.980 It started weighing really hard on me.

00:25:24.720 You know, it's really weird.

00:25:27.000 Hollywood is just fucks you up.

00:25:30.180 All, you know, it's not a healthy place for the mind.

00:25:34.840 It really is not.

00:25:35.960 Even, and, and as well, this is going to sound like a, like I'm a, you know, like I don't give a shit.

00:25:42.080 Not to our audience, it won't.

00:25:43.180 It won't?

00:25:43.660 No.

00:25:44.020 No, but even if you're doing well and probably, you know, from the outside, the better people think you're doing, the harder it becomes mentally.

00:25:52.560 Because like, for example, I'll give you my example.

00:25:55.540 You know, like I did a series.

00:25:57.520 I was on a series for six years with Denzel Washington.

00:26:00.180 Same elsewhere.

00:26:00.600 I was selling out, you know, at the time, you know, I would do two shows at the Woodlands.

00:26:05.960 In, in, in Houston.

00:26:07.360 And it would be like 10,000 people would show.

00:26:10.220 And then 2005, you know, they'd say we have, you know, 26 people are at Ha Ha's tonight, you know.

00:26:17.460 And then I would do my set.

00:26:19.000 And then I'd come in and I'd be sitting in a casting office.

00:26:21.980 You know, six years ago, I was on a series.

00:26:23.980 I was on network TV.

00:26:25.340 Every break, I was doing a movie for every major studio.

00:26:28.940 And all the same offers that, you know, people like Tom Hanks and Robin Williams were getting at the time, you know.

00:26:34.520 But you were in that world.

00:26:36.200 At that time, you know, when, when Tom Hanks was doing Bachelor Party and stuff, I was doing, you know, Walk Like a Man and Little Monsters and A Fine Mess.

00:26:44.020 And, but, but 2005, I was doing shit.

00:26:48.840 And then I said, I'm going to quit.

00:26:50.780 And I got an offer to do a game show, Deal or No Deal, which I thought was the worst fucking idea anybody could ever have.

00:26:58.080 First of all, if you think about that, you know, when it was pitched to me, I don't know that people remember before 2005, there weren't a lot, there weren't any comedians doing talk shows.

00:27:08.040 I mean, doing game shows.

00:27:09.520 The game show was the joke.

00:27:11.820 You would act like a game show host on stage if you were doing a parody of something goofy.

00:27:16.680 Nobody wanted to be the game show host.

00:27:18.520 The last comedian that did a game show host before that was Groucho Marx who did You Bet Your Life, which Jay Leno is recreating now and it's going to be in syndication.

00:27:27.200 But before that, no.

00:27:29.300 So when I got asked, I thought that's the nail in the fucking coffin of my career.

00:27:33.140 And I said, okay.

00:27:34.260 And then they said, they showed me what the show was.

00:27:36.040 And it was just an hour of opening up cases.

00:27:39.100 Just opening up fucking cases.

00:27:40.520 Unboxing.

00:27:41.000 It was the original unboxing, really.

00:27:42.980 That's what it was.

00:27:43.640 It was the original unboxing.

00:27:45.900 And then that thing went through the roof and kind of gave me a career back.

00:27:49.140 What is it?

00:27:49.480 But what I was saying about the mental health is that, you know, the more I do, you know, I'm on AGT now, which is the number one show of the summer.

00:27:58.700 I can't tell you that a week doesn't go by where, you know, I have an idea for something and they say no or they're not putting it on.

00:28:08.640 Or they go, we like that idea, but we'd like to use someone else.

00:28:12.420 And your mind just goes to weird places.

00:28:16.240 And it's not only about being accepted, but if you've got that kind of weakness inside you, getting constantly, you know.

00:28:24.140 Yeah, some form of rejection or we don't want you.

00:28:26.500 Yeah, you're not the right thing.

00:28:27.700 Because I think it goes back to the things in the beginning somewhere in our lives or in our souls that were like, that made us want to be, attract attention to ourselves anyway.

00:28:37.020 Well, you just, you brought it up right at the beginning.

00:28:38.980 You know, if you wanted to dance for your mom so you could watch TV.

00:28:42.160 Yeah.

00:28:42.480 You learned that being good or funny or being the center of attention got you something.

00:28:46.920 Right.

00:28:47.180 Whether it got you notoriety or the opportunity to watch TV or to do the things you like, you realize that that became your self-worth.

00:28:55.660 And when your self-worth is externally in your mind, the things that you do and who you think you are or who you think other people think you are, then you're at the mercy of everybody outside of you instead of yourself.

00:29:11.220 Does that make sense?

00:29:12.440 Yeah, man.

00:29:13.460 I mean, if you want to be happy people, you just got to make yourself happy.

00:29:17.180 You can't make anybody else.

00:29:18.620 Nobody can make you happy.

00:29:20.120 Yeah.

00:29:20.420 Nothing externally, no amount of money, nothing you could do.

00:29:23.400 You got to make yourself happy.

00:29:24.640 And that's why I will stand alone in a dark room just smiling.

00:29:29.540 Yeah.

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00:31:58.340 Yeah, man.

00:32:00.780 Sometimes it's weird, man.

00:32:01.920 Yeah, I can tell.

00:32:03.040 That's like, yeah, my whole life it's like it all somehow depends on what other people think.

00:32:09.020 And I think it's just from some programming probably, you know, when I was a kid.

00:32:11.740 But that's all of us, you know.

00:32:12.960 Every piece of media you do.

00:32:14.760 Every piece of, you know, wherever you, you know, you want to be the funniest guy.

00:32:19.580 You want to be the most interesting person.

00:32:21.720 If you're a young person, you're reading magazines.

00:32:23.740 You want to dress like that.

00:32:25.040 You want to look like that.

00:32:26.060 You're looking at other people's style.

00:32:27.700 You figure, I got to get myself fixed up just to walk outside because when you walk into a room, you're self-conscious about how people are seeing you and what they think of you.

00:32:35.860 And it really doesn't matter.

00:32:37.980 But those are just words because to me it matters.

00:32:41.280 You know, I'm on your podcast because it matters.

00:32:43.640 Yeah.

00:32:43.980 Because, you know, I could be at home, but I want to be here.

00:32:48.080 I want to be here.

00:32:48.840 But I also, deep inside of you, and that's why you're here today, you need acceptance.

00:32:56.060 Of people you don't even know and may never even meet.

00:32:59.600 And that's a weird fucking thing.

00:33:02.080 Like, I'm talking to you, and who's ever taking this in, I need you to love me.

00:33:06.380 Yeah.

00:33:06.900 I don't know who the fuck you are.

00:33:08.600 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:09.280 And you don't, I'll never see you, and you'll never see me in person.

00:33:14.200 But please, please, fucking love me.

00:33:17.680 Just so I can get through this shit.

00:33:19.440 I know.

00:33:20.540 And it's been hard.

00:33:21.520 This has been a really tough, people joke around because they know me as a germaphobe,

00:33:24.940 and they go, you called it.

00:33:25.900 And I say, you know, Howie in Latin means told you.

00:33:28.220 But the thing is that this has been a really fucked up, hard, and continues to be, time for us all.

00:33:36.820 You know, and for me, I've just been struggling.

00:33:38.720 I am so fucking medicated right now.

00:33:40.720 Really?

00:33:40.940 Oh, yeah, right now.

00:33:42.120 And I can't sleep without my gummies.

00:33:46.000 You know, I take a lot of gummies to fall asleep.

00:33:48.600 Those are, now you're doing the THC, or are you doing the melatonins?

00:33:52.560 THC.

00:33:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:33:53.640 Yeah.

00:33:54.160 Do you do that?

00:33:54.940 I don't do it, but.

00:33:55.900 No, I know.

00:33:56.760 God, I would let you spit.

00:33:58.020 Don't judge me.

00:33:58.700 Oh, I'd let you spit in my mouth to get a hit of it.

00:34:00.640 You know what I'm saying?

00:34:01.320 Like, I would definitely do it if I needed a quick nap or something.

00:34:04.440 Yeah.

00:34:04.620 But, yeah, so is it your first time getting into those?

00:34:06.620 Has that been a good experience?

00:34:07.720 Well, I didn't, you know, when I was a kid, I smoked.

00:34:10.520 Oh, I didn't, gummies are kind of new to me.

00:34:12.580 Yeah.

00:34:12.860 But they came, I started doing gummies during the pandemic.

00:34:15.800 Wow.

00:34:15.900 Just to sleep.

00:34:17.140 And it's just, and then, you know, I haven't been on the road like you.

00:34:21.480 And I've been afraid to be out in public and in front of people.

00:34:25.620 I started working where you, at Supernova, just because it was outside.

00:34:29.700 Yeah.

00:34:30.200 And it's in a circle, you can kind of stay safe from everybody.

00:34:32.460 Right, but it's outside.

00:34:33.820 It doesn't.

00:34:34.120 Oh, that's a good point.

00:34:35.040 You know, but it, you know, I got uncomfortable with going into a club or a building where everybody's

00:34:40.000 just facing you and going, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:34:42.720 And then, so to combat them, I was writing tragedy instead of comedy so nobody would go,

00:34:48.820 ha, ha, ha.

00:34:49.800 I want to do things that make people even just stop breathing and looking in my direction.

00:34:55.360 So that's what I've been doing.

00:34:56.860 One time a guy laughed so hard at one of my shows, he came out of the closet, dude, which

00:35:00.460 was insane.

00:35:01.740 You laughed a guy to gayness?

00:35:03.680 I laughed at him.

00:35:04.400 He's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm gay.

00:35:06.800 And his friends were like, what?

00:35:08.540 What's going on, Charles?

00:35:09.920 Have another beer, dude.

00:35:11.240 That's funny.

00:35:12.020 It was pretty crazy.

00:35:13.300 That's funny.

00:35:14.100 That's funny.

00:35:14.720 People used to talk, when I started in the business, they would go, I killed.

00:35:18.640 You know, like you killed the audience.

00:35:20.400 You know, they were dying laughing.

00:35:22.320 But you just get them to a level where they're just coming out of the closet.

00:35:26.020 Yeah, basically.

00:35:27.160 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:27.900 What is the...

00:35:28.880 That's the new thing, I think, if you can get somebody to just admit who they really

00:35:33.240 are right there on the spot, you know?

00:35:34.920 Wow, you're changing pronouns.

00:35:36.400 We are, yeah.

00:35:37.440 That's amazing.

00:35:38.940 They come in as them, and they leave as us.

00:35:41.840 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:42.560 I wonder if they...

00:35:44.180 Wouldn't that be a good game show, a pronoun game show, maybe?

00:35:47.120 Really?

00:35:47.260 Where somebody wins, maybe a pronoun they've always wanted.

00:35:50.440 I don't know, I'm trying to marry somebody who has a sexual choice or wants a certain pronoun

00:35:56.200 or wants to be recognized or seen a certain way, I'm trying to marry that with some type

00:36:00.540 of a competition, you know?

00:36:02.580 I wonder if that would be one day.

00:36:03.920 Wow, I love that.

00:36:06.480 It's they against them.

00:36:08.420 I know my guy is saying that Rich is standing in the back.

00:36:11.260 He goes, don't get into this discussion.

00:36:13.220 Okay, we will.

00:36:13.400 No, no, no.

00:36:14.200 I'm okay.

00:36:15.040 Did I say anything that will get me canceled?

00:36:17.140 Not yet.

00:36:17.900 Yeah.

00:36:18.160 Not yet.

00:36:19.480 I don't think I'd be canceled.

00:36:21.060 My heart is always in the right place.

00:36:23.220 I don't think I can say anything to get me canceled.

00:36:25.500 I really, I'm accepting of everyone.

00:36:28.320 I respect everyone.

00:36:29.660 I really do.

00:36:30.420 That's true.

00:36:31.020 I really do.

00:36:31.700 You've always been like that.

00:36:32.280 And there's nothing that's, I don't think anything's odd.

00:36:35.780 I think every person is so, is such an individual that can't be replicated in whatever their desires

00:36:43.180 are and their needs are and their wants are and who they like and what they look at is

00:36:47.220 no different than anybody who is been born, maybe not as the world sees them from the

00:36:56.540 outside.

00:36:57.380 Yeah.

00:36:57.680 Does that make sense?

00:36:58.680 Yeah.

00:36:58.840 So I don't think I could say, I'm just trying to not be confused now and I don't want to,

00:37:03.880 and the fear is I don't want to offend somebody.

00:37:06.440 Yeah.

00:37:06.700 So I always, I'll just, whoever I walk up to, I called my grandmother the other day

00:37:13.160 and I go, how are they?

00:37:16.920 She said, who?

00:37:17.920 And I went, them.

00:37:19.140 Who is this?

00:37:20.100 I said, it's us.

00:37:20.980 Who's on first, man.

00:37:23.760 That's great, dude.

00:37:24.860 That'd be so good.

00:37:25.660 A new pronoun version of who's on first.

00:37:28.780 I love that.

00:37:30.000 Maybe.

00:37:30.380 It's one show and then canceled.

00:37:31.980 Yeah.

00:37:33.520 That's what it is.

00:37:34.680 It was a pilot program that we came up with, but.

00:37:39.000 Who's on first?

00:37:39.720 They are.

00:37:40.380 Who?

00:37:40.720 But I always have to watch myself.

00:37:42.020 I don't want to offend.

00:37:42.700 You know, every day I'm talking to people at America's Got Talent.

00:37:46.040 I can't imagine that.

00:37:46.960 And it's, I'm so conscious of, you know, not wanting to offend anybody.

00:37:52.160 Yeah.

00:37:52.560 Not wanting, and I do respect, but, you know, who they are.

00:37:57.000 So we took a course at NBC called a, what did I take?

00:38:02.720 Now I forget what the name of the course is.

00:38:04.240 It was called a sensitivity course.

00:38:06.500 Oh, yeah.

00:38:07.200 Yeah.

00:38:07.680 They brought me in for a sensitivity course.

00:38:09.540 With the electrocution thing or no?

00:38:10.880 I thought they were going to just tickle me in places that I've never been tickled before.

00:38:14.880 I'm taking a sensitivity.

00:38:15.880 No, and they talked about how it is perceived when you say things that maybe are not, even,

00:38:23.180 it's not about intent, it's about perception.

00:38:25.460 Does that make sense?

00:38:26.720 Yeah, perception is hard to gauge sometimes until you know, until you get some sort of

00:38:30.760 reaction.

00:38:31.280 Most people usually, if you say something and it's a one-on-one instance, then you can tell

00:38:36.580 if somebody didn't perceive it good.

00:38:38.300 And then why, honestly, why do you hate the Jews?

00:38:42.400 I mean, I wouldn't.

00:38:43.360 That's just my perception.

00:38:44.340 Yeah.

00:38:44.860 That's not, I know that wasn't your intent.

00:38:47.020 Okay, yeah.

00:38:47.780 I mean, look, there's definitely a couple that ruffle some feathers, but I would not say,

00:38:51.960 I would not leave that as an overall statement.

00:38:53.660 Okay.

00:38:54.020 Okay.

00:38:54.340 All right.

00:38:54.940 And it's good that we cleared that up and everything is moving smoother.

00:38:58.320 Is that something that you're going to cut out, Nick?

00:39:00.740 When I say to him, he doesn't hate Jews.

00:39:04.040 No.

00:39:04.220 No, it's not the Jews.

00:39:06.220 No.

00:39:06.820 It's the, no, let's just.

00:39:08.320 Yeah, let's just leave it with that.

00:39:10.020 I mean, yes, I definitely have had a landlord before that's a little dicey.

00:39:14.360 Okay.

00:39:14.880 I will be honest.

00:39:15.540 Is landlord your name for Jew?

00:39:18.540 Sorry.

00:39:19.060 Land them.

00:39:20.200 Land them.

00:39:20.600 Whatever.

00:39:21.380 Whatever.

00:39:21.660 I'm going to land them.

00:39:23.120 Whatever they choose to be.

00:39:25.220 I did have a, I had a good Jewish joke one time that I wanted to try, but sometimes I get it.

00:39:29.500 I'll be the judge of that.

00:39:30.300 Okay.

00:39:30.640 Whether it's a good Jewish joke.

00:39:32.000 Okay.

00:39:32.200 Get ready for a good Jewish joke.

00:39:34.660 Oh, you'll love this guy.

00:39:35.740 Oh, man, that guy's, that guy's so nice.

00:39:37.980 He'll sell you the shirt off his back.

00:39:39.820 Is that good?

00:39:41.780 Is that it?

00:39:42.400 That's a Jewish joke?

00:39:43.560 Yeah, that's it.

00:39:45.720 For, he'll sell you, that guy.

00:39:47.660 Instead of, he'll give you the shirt off his back?

00:39:50.920 Oh, I didn't even get it.

00:39:53.360 You know why?

00:39:54.560 Because it was too inside for me.

00:39:55.840 I said, what's the joke that's something I would do?

00:39:58.000 I didn't get it because I'm Jewish.

00:40:00.420 But all your non-Jewish listeners and viewers will get it.

00:40:04.760 And then the joke's on the Jew here.

00:40:06.820 So what's wrong with selling the shirt off my back?

00:40:09.540 That's what I do.

00:40:11.680 That's what I, that's not a joke.

00:40:13.380 That's just a part of my life.

00:40:14.860 What's the joke?

00:40:15.680 But now I get the perception is that some people give it.

00:40:20.500 Right.

00:40:20.580 But why would you ever give somebody the shirt off your back?

00:40:23.760 I agree.

00:40:24.560 When you can sell it and walk away with a couple of extra bucks.

00:40:28.420 I love that.

00:40:29.460 Right?

00:40:29.980 Now it's a game show suddenly.

00:40:31.740 You can walk away with a couple of extra bucks, man.

00:40:34.900 I love that.

00:40:35.140 I don't want the shirt off.

00:40:36.260 You know.

00:40:36.640 I know.

00:40:37.240 Plus, I bet you, I could sell this shirt on your show.

00:40:40.620 Oh, dude.

00:40:40.820 People are watching.

00:40:41.760 Somebody would buy it.

00:40:42.240 I will sell you.

00:40:44.000 Is that my camera right there?

00:40:45.480 That one.

00:40:46.040 Oh, that one's my camera.

00:40:47.960 I will sell you the shirt off my back.

00:40:51.360 Now they, all they have to do is write in.

00:40:54.420 Yeah.

00:40:54.700 I think they write in.

00:40:55.940 Yeah.

00:40:56.120 I don't have like you.

00:40:57.320 I don't have merch.

00:40:58.500 We still get a lot of mail.

00:40:59.400 Really?

00:40:59.800 No, I'm just going to sell whatever I'm wearing.

00:41:01.720 Oh, the shirt off your back.

00:41:02.500 Yeah.

00:41:02.800 And then with that money, I could buy a new shirt.

00:41:04.880 Merch is just whatever I'm wearing, whatever I have.

00:41:08.060 You sell a lot of merch, right?

00:41:09.600 We sell, we sell a decent amount.

00:41:11.240 We don't get overboard.

00:41:12.240 Like some places do a lot of merch, you know?

00:41:14.440 No merch here.

00:41:15.160 We do pretty well.

00:41:16.120 No merch.

00:41:16.540 Did you ever, what was the unique piece of merch that you sold when you used to do a

00:41:19.760 lot of touring when you were coming up?

00:41:21.280 Because I've sold some really things that I, yeah, I would sell basically whatever I had.

00:41:26.780 I remember buying another guy's t-shirts one time.

00:41:29.020 It didn't have anything to do with jokes that I had.

00:41:31.000 He was quitting.

00:41:32.040 So I just bought all his shirts.

00:41:33.520 What was the joke on it?

00:41:34.660 It was like about, it was pretty profane.

00:41:37.620 It was like about, it was something about Hot Pockets or something.

00:41:41.480 Right.

00:41:42.060 And it had.

00:41:42.900 So, and you sold at the Theo Vaughn concerts, the Dave, Dave Smith's Hot Pocket t-shirts.

00:41:49.400 Yeah.

00:41:49.620 It didn't say Dave Smith, but it had the Hot Pocket.

00:41:51.560 It had something about Hot Pockets on it.

00:41:53.200 It was like a lot of euphemisms, a lot of like seedy euphemisms you would hear probably

00:41:57.180 in like a bag.

00:41:57.820 Right now, the only thing I'm selling is my glasses.

00:42:00.060 Really?

00:42:00.380 I'm not selling them.

00:42:01.060 This is at CI Wear.

00:42:02.260 This is a part of a collaboration with Seth Rogen, the hilarity for charity.

00:42:08.140 If you buy my glasses, some of it goes to, to that, which is for Alzheimer's.

00:42:13.040 So that's, that's the end of my merch.

00:42:14.860 I also want to sell, I should, oh, there you are.

00:42:17.800 There's my partners.

00:42:19.320 CI Wear.

00:42:20.340 Oh yeah.

00:42:20.960 I heard about them.

00:42:22.400 I don't wear glasses yet, man, but I would, I would be willing to wear glasses.

00:42:25.420 You'd be willing to wear glasses?

00:42:27.080 Oh yeah.

00:42:27.640 Wow.

00:42:29.020 I feel like it would help you focus.

00:42:30.480 Was there anything you ever sold that was like, cause a lot of comedians, when you're

00:42:33.380 first coming up, you're trying to, you know, guys will burn CDs in their hotel room and

00:42:36.980 then take them in a stack on the spindle to the shows.

00:42:39.880 So you know what I did?

00:42:40.780 I, one time when I was on tour, I took t-shirts out and all I had on the t-shirt was my wife

00:42:46.680 wanted to add an addition onto our house.

00:42:49.840 There was another room that she wanted to add like a playroom or whatever.

00:42:53.780 And she got the, you know, she had somebody drop the plans and give us an estimate.

00:42:59.220 So I took the plans and the estimate and that's what I printed on the t-shirt.

00:43:03.600 And I sold those shirts until I had enough money to build that room and pay that contractor.

00:43:09.320 And I did, and I still have that t-shirt.

00:43:11.420 I should send the picture of you so you can post it on here.

00:43:13.920 I have a picture of that on the wall and it's just the plans for the room and the estimated

00:43:18.540 costs and everything.

00:43:20.120 And as soon as I hit that button, it's our t-shirt room.

00:43:23.100 Oh, I love that.

00:43:23.880 Yeah.

00:43:24.340 So I did that.

00:43:25.820 I would, my wife, we once set up, you know, there were all those stands on Venice beach.

00:43:30.340 One time, this is before when I had a lot of time on my hands.

00:43:33.180 We, I set up a stand that were just pickles and socks.

00:43:36.280 Oh really?

00:43:36.960 Just to see people walk by and I did, it's not even a good prank.

00:43:42.300 It's nothing.

00:43:42.960 I just thought it was hysterical alone.

00:43:45.180 You know, I've always said if I could just make one person laugh, I'm doing my job.

00:43:48.040 It just seems that most of the time that one person is just me, but it's one.

00:43:51.740 And I've done my job and hit my goal.

00:43:53.780 And I used to sit at the, on Venice beach at a table because there'd be artists selling

00:43:58.540 their art.

00:43:59.200 Oh yeah.

00:43:59.720 There'd be people selling snacks.

00:44:00.680 There would be people selling readings, tarot cart readings and things like that.

00:44:04.500 And then I would have like a jar of pickles and a little stack of socks.

00:44:08.220 Oh, I like that.

00:44:08.920 And they'd go, and people would walk over and they'd go, what is this?

00:44:12.340 Yeah.

00:44:12.740 And I'd go, well, this is pickles and this is socks.

00:44:15.300 And you could buy them separately or together.

00:44:17.900 Really, it's up to you.

00:44:18.740 I'm not going to push that on people.

00:44:20.840 They can make their own decisions.

00:44:22.360 So that's the merch and I still have access to pickles and socks.

00:44:27.940 If anybody is in the market, I could go for some, I think I didn't even eat breakfast

00:44:32.140 yet, but, um, you, how many cans of liquid death have you finished?

00:44:37.260 Not enough to fricking, not enough to do what they say they'll do, dude, which is take you

00:44:41.540 to the grave, baby, you know, but that's not a sponsor.

00:44:44.340 It is a sponsor.

00:44:45.520 Liquid death.

00:44:46.140 Yep.

00:44:46.340 And they're good, man.

00:44:47.160 It's good, clean water.

00:44:48.280 It's from, I want to say maybe Aspen or Boise.

00:44:53.320 Aspen or Boise.

00:44:55.120 Wow.

00:44:55.560 They don't really don't care about the read on your show as far as I do a podcast.

00:44:59.280 So I'm just getting into it.

00:45:00.680 I'm doing a podcast with my daughter.

00:45:02.060 You got to come on.

00:45:02.920 I'll come on.

00:45:03.880 You definitely come on.

00:45:04.720 Yeah.

00:45:05.060 So we do, me and my daughter, I was freaking out during the, uh, during the lockdowns

00:45:10.740 and I didn't know what to do.

00:45:11.960 So I would spend hours on the phone with my daughter, just fucking around doing prank

00:45:15.960 calls to friends and celebrities and challenges and things like that.

00:45:20.040 And my wife once walked in and said, what are you doing?

00:45:22.620 And I told her, she goes, what the, who's it for?

00:45:24.860 And I go, it's for us.

00:45:26.300 And she said, record it.

00:45:27.440 So that became our podcast.

00:45:28.600 So if you come on my podcast, we'll do prank calls and fuck with people.

00:45:32.200 Do you like prank calls?

00:45:33.100 I know you, we did.

00:45:34.200 We did deal with it.

00:45:35.980 Yeah.

00:45:36.220 I like prank shows.

00:45:37.140 I was so nervous doing deal with it, but I definitely got the hang of it.

00:45:40.500 Oh, I was at a show one time and some lady in the crowd starts yelling.

00:45:47.920 She's like, we, I threw the wedding ring.

00:45:50.580 I threw the wedding ring.

00:45:51.600 And I don't know what she's talking about.

00:45:54.040 I'm thinking like, Oh, we got to get this lady out of here.

00:45:57.920 She's like, I threw the wedding ring.

00:45:59.640 And I'm like, at first I think she's talking to some man she's with or something.

00:46:02.480 Like, I have no idea what's going on.

00:46:05.140 So they start literally escorting this lady out the back and, uh, and it right by the

00:46:11.040 door, she yells out Howie Mandel.

00:46:13.720 And then it clicked in my head.

00:46:15.460 I was like, Oh my gosh, that's where we pranked the, the wife that her husband was cheating.

00:46:21.340 She threw that wedding ring.

00:46:22.600 They were just, they had just got married.

00:46:25.140 And for those that don't know, you hosted the show on TBS called deal with it.

00:46:29.780 And it was Howie show.

00:46:30.840 And it was, uh, I was a producer on it.

00:46:33.040 And, and the thing about it was we would, you would whisper things, you or a celebrity

00:46:37.880 guest also would whisper things in people's ear and they had to do, they were challenged

00:46:42.800 to do these for money levels.

00:46:44.320 So that guy came in, he was sitting there with his wife and you could, you or somebody

00:46:50.300 else came up with the idea of telling his wife that, uh, I don't know.

00:46:55.600 I don't think it was cheating meeting somebody.

00:46:58.220 Yes.

00:46:58.620 I were meeting somebody here and we sent in a con accomplice.

00:47:01.500 It was like a female or something.

00:47:02.700 And that's when the lady lost it.

00:47:04.460 And she's like, I'm, I'm through with this.

00:47:06.580 Yeah.

00:47:06.700 We sent in the lady.

00:47:07.480 I don't remember what the joke was.

00:47:08.680 The guy had cheated before.

00:47:10.140 I think the guy had had infidelities.

00:47:13.160 And now when this person showed up at the table, I think immediately it went to that

00:47:16.840 place.

00:47:17.540 She takes off her wedding ring and threw her ring away in the middle.

00:47:21.960 And we're going, no, it's a joke.

00:47:23.460 I remember it when Marlon Wayans was there too.

00:47:25.660 Yeah.

00:47:26.080 It was Marlon Wayans was doing the jokes with you.

00:47:29.180 That is funny.

00:47:29.960 And she showed up at a, at one of your shows screaming.

00:47:32.780 Yeah.

00:47:33.040 I did.

00:47:33.340 Did you let her back in or you threw her out?

00:47:34.820 You let her, we let her stay in.

00:47:36.020 But I just had no, like, it was just the, like the strangest little piece of like thing

00:47:40.260 to say that would, that I knew what was going on.

00:47:42.940 You know, I threw the ring, you know, I threw the wedding ring.

00:47:45.340 I love pranks.

00:47:46.300 And we did a prank.

00:47:47.380 Oh, that's not him.

00:47:48.700 No, that's not him.

00:47:49.440 We will not, we will not, don't bring that up.

00:47:53.720 Now we're canceled, bro.

00:47:54.880 Nick is canceled.

00:47:56.460 We didn't do it.

00:47:57.840 Unbelievable.

00:47:58.680 Thank God he got us out of that.

00:48:00.020 Oh, we had been skirting the edge the whole time.

00:48:04.540 And Nick came through in the clutch.

00:48:07.840 Oh, Marlon Wayans, man.

00:48:09.100 He looks different than I remember him, Nick.

00:48:11.260 Nick.

00:48:12.060 Unbelievable.

00:48:12.500 But I was going to say on the podcast, we did a prank call the other day and somebody

00:48:19.440 was getting really mad, really mad.

00:48:22.220 And Rich, like my Nick goes, reveal, reveal, reveal.

00:48:25.760 Tell him it's a joke.

00:48:26.780 Tell him it's you.

00:48:27.840 So I phoned back and I go, hey, buddy.

00:48:30.360 He goes, yeah, can I help you?

00:48:31.460 I phoned him back like the 10th time.

00:48:33.200 He goes, I go, it's Howie Mandel.

00:48:36.420 It's Howie Mandel.

00:48:37.880 And this is a joke.

00:48:39.220 He goes, okay, Howie Mandel.

00:48:41.640 Can I help you?

00:48:42.500 I go, no, I'm just telling you that that was a prank.

00:48:45.660 He goes, so you don't need any plumbing equipment or anything?

00:48:49.660 I go, no.

00:48:51.500 He goes, then go fuck yourself.

00:48:53.120 So that was my reveal.

00:48:54.200 It wasn't good for the ego, but it was such a fail for me and my podcast.

00:49:00.820 But I did one the other day.

00:49:02.460 I know you talked to, we did one with Bobby Lee.

00:49:05.700 Oh, yeah.

00:49:06.140 This was also a bad one.

00:49:08.260 Rich was mad at me for this, where we called a guy.

00:49:11.300 I know a guy that was dating a girl, finished dating the girl, and the girl was pregnant, and he did not know whether the baby was his or the next guy she was dating.

00:49:21.740 And we found out it was the next guy she was dating.

00:49:24.700 But I knew that he didn't know yet.

00:49:26.600 So we had Bobby Lee call as a doctor from a clinic.

00:49:33.060 Yeah, a very shady clinic, I'm sure.

00:49:34.960 And with her father, I played her father, telling him that the baby, the DNA test came back, the baby is his, and as the father of the mother, I'm going to talk to him about his intentions and put together some wedding arrangements.

00:49:53.660 And he just started crying.

00:49:57.000 Oh.

00:49:57.440 And I hung up before the reveal.

00:49:59.540 That's why you were mad at me.

00:50:00.940 I never.

00:50:02.400 So you guys just ruined somebody's day.

00:50:04.360 The guy was terrified, like crazy.

00:50:06.460 And then he gets to the peak of everything, and Howie goes, I'm sorry.

00:50:08.960 He hangs up.

00:50:09.940 I go, well, call him back.

00:50:10.860 Let him know.

00:50:11.380 He goes, no, we're not calling him back.

00:50:12.360 Oh, dang.

00:50:12.960 No, because the last time I called back on that other prank, it was that plumber.

00:50:16.920 Yeah.

00:50:17.100 It was the plumber guy who goes, I don't give a fuck you're Howie Mandel.

00:50:19.720 I'm not going through that again.

00:50:20.940 We've just been talking about mental health and our ego.

00:50:23.440 I'm not going to lay it on my ego again.

00:50:25.860 It's not worth it.

00:50:26.680 I think you let God and that man figure it out.

00:50:30.360 You know, I really think you do, man.

00:50:32.460 That was the right choice.

00:50:33.960 I know.

00:50:34.720 That was the right choice.

00:50:35.680 We have, Howie, we got some people sent in different talents.

00:50:39.960 All right.

00:50:40.360 If it's okay, we want to see a couple of them.

00:50:42.200 What do you think these are this past weekend listeners that are fans of you?

00:50:45.560 What do you look for in the beginning when people are in?

00:50:47.620 Is there any energy thing that people can do when they're introducing themselves to you guys?

00:50:53.080 Well, I think that, you know, ultimately you want to, no, the answer is no.

00:50:57.440 Because one of my favorite things that happened on the show, there was a young singer, Courtney

00:51:02.340 Hadwin, who, you've got to see this girl.

00:51:05.240 If you pull her up, Courtney Hadwin audition.

00:51:08.860 And there's this girl, I'm going to show you this.

00:51:10.620 She was 13 at the time.

00:51:13.340 And they said to her, she was coming up next.

00:51:15.780 And they said, no, we're going to bring an act before her because she's almost sick, you know, from nerves.

00:51:20.960 She's 13 years old.

00:51:21.920 She's from the UK.

00:51:23.320 She's so shy.

00:51:24.760 Then at that time, they said, Mel B, you could talk to her.

00:51:26.840 The first one, the audition.

00:51:28.380 Watch this girl.

00:51:29.240 She can't talk.

00:51:30.040 I like to be surprised.

00:51:31.480 Watch this.

00:51:32.960 Hi, my lovely.

00:51:34.340 Hi.

00:51:35.180 Welcome to America's Got Talent.

00:51:37.880 How are you?

00:51:39.340 A little bit nervous.

00:51:41.060 She's a lot nervous.

00:51:42.000 She got sick before the show.

00:51:43.320 Totally understandable.

00:51:43.880 What's your name?

00:51:45.280 Courtney.

00:51:46.200 And how old are you?

00:51:47.600 13.

00:51:48.360 13.

00:51:49.160 Oh, watch.

00:51:49.820 What's your favorite subject in school?

00:51:52.300 Music.

00:51:53.720 What kind of music?

00:51:55.400 I don't know.

00:51:57.300 You're going to, your socks are going to be knocked off.

00:51:59.940 I'm guessing you're going to be singing for us.

00:52:00.880 And all you have left is a pickle.

00:52:02.480 Watch this.

00:52:02.840 Don't be nervous.

00:52:03.800 I know this is a big stage and there's lots of people here.

00:52:06.840 But you're here for a reason.

00:52:08.500 So go for it and good luck.

00:52:11.460 Thank you.

00:52:11.660 Watch this.

00:52:12.780 This is what I like.

00:52:13.860 I like when I see things I'm not expecting.

00:52:23.340 You've got to be so nervous.

00:52:25.140 I'm nervous for her.

00:52:26.240 It's her day.

00:52:27.940 Hopefully it's her day.

00:52:28.800 It's her day.

00:52:34.120 Wow.

00:52:35.080 Oh, my God.

00:52:48.820 Oh, my God.

00:52:52.820 When I ask her for it all, you've got to come back for more.

00:52:58.340 Oh, I see coming up.

00:52:59.680 Uh-oh.

00:53:09.020 Dang.

00:53:14.360 Like Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes.

00:53:16.280 Yeah.

00:53:17.000 It's amazing.

00:53:21.480 Oh, yes.

00:53:22.540 So that's a surprise.

00:53:23.800 So when you say, you know, what do you look for when it starts?

00:53:27.180 You know, I don't know.

00:53:28.680 It becomes part of the whole package as far as, like, just to see somebody who's that shy

00:53:35.000 and just becomes a totally different person when they do it.

00:53:38.280 And I'm sensing that that's going to happen right here with the Theo Vaughn crowd.

00:53:42.940 It certainly could.

00:53:44.100 Let's see.

00:53:45.420 Let me hear.

00:53:46.460 Henry.

00:53:48.520 He'll be Bo Staffing?

00:53:50.000 Yeah.

00:53:52.360 You hope it brings the family honor.

00:53:54.080 Yeah.

00:53:55.120 And they look rich.

00:53:56.000 Look at the legs on that side table.

00:54:00.020 You always know if your son's in the...

00:54:02.000 Oh, wow.

00:54:02.760 Whoa.

00:54:06.060 Oh, my gosh.

00:54:07.060 Dude, I have a broken AC unit at home right now.

00:54:09.160 I'll get this dude in a heartbeat.

00:54:10.740 Where do you learn to do that?

00:54:12.140 That's amazing.

00:54:13.020 Look at that.

00:54:13.880 I don't even know what that is, a Bo Staff.

00:54:16.520 It's like a giant, like, what do you call the twirlies?

00:54:20.460 Baton.

00:54:21.120 Baton.

00:54:21.700 Yeah, basically.

00:54:23.300 Whoa.

00:54:23.860 Wow.

00:54:24.840 They got to be so honored.

00:54:26.360 Oh, I felt honored at the end, man.

00:54:28.320 I don't understand.

00:54:28.700 You keep this guy.

00:54:29.500 What do you think, Kyle?

00:54:30.120 When this guy gets out there and does it, does he need to add an element?

00:54:32.920 What could Henry do here, you think?

00:54:34.860 I think that was good, and I think I'd move him on to the next round.

00:54:38.540 He needs to, you know, that was a good audition.

00:54:42.560 But you hope that the ramp up, like, the next time you see it, maybe he has two, I don't even

00:54:47.880 know what that is, two sticks.

00:54:49.180 Bo Staffs.

00:54:49.940 Two Bo Staffs.

00:54:50.640 He's fully staffed, yeah.

00:54:51.720 A Bo Bo Staff.

00:54:52.420 You hope that he has next time.

00:54:53.880 More staffs.

00:54:54.700 Oh, it'll be a staff infection next time.

00:54:56.440 Oh, my God.

00:54:57.220 Can you get a Bo Staff infection?

00:54:58.580 I'm sure he can do.

00:54:59.620 You saw it at the end.

00:55:00.280 It kind of hit his leg.

00:55:01.020 I'm sure.

00:55:01.500 Oh, wow.

00:55:02.120 Can you imagine the guy that shows up next time he can't even move his neck or arms?

00:55:05.560 Because he was just trying.

00:55:07.040 It's your fault.

00:55:08.000 It's your podcast.

00:55:08.960 It's just infected.

00:55:10.140 Wow.

00:55:10.800 Is that the only piece of talent you have on this show?

00:55:13.020 We have a couple more for you, man.

00:55:13.980 Let's have a couple more.

00:55:15.020 That was really, his family should be so honored.

00:55:17.720 Oh, I feel honored.

00:55:18.800 Does he think he's, like, that sounded like, remember the beginning of Kung Fu?

00:55:24.740 Remember the show Kung Fu?

00:55:26.440 Mm-mm.

00:55:27.040 You don't know how to grab the pebble from my hand?

00:55:29.420 It doesn't matter.

00:55:30.280 Let's move on.

00:55:30.840 Here's another guy, a weightlifter on a skateboard.

00:55:33.440 Donatello from Ninja Turtles had a Bo Staff.

00:55:35.540 He had a stick.

00:55:36.200 The purple one.

00:55:36.600 Yeah.

00:55:36.960 He was a purple bandana.

00:55:37.840 He had the purple bandana.

00:55:39.760 Why did they wear those masks and bandana?

00:55:41.940 We got, like, a Ninja Turtle without the mask on.

00:55:44.500 Would you not know?

00:55:45.660 Is it like Superman when he takes the glasses off and you don't know it's Clark Kent?

00:55:48.940 If a Ninja Turtle took its bandana mask off, would you go, wait a minute, did you see

00:55:54.280 a Ninja Turtle?

00:55:55.040 There was just a Ninja Turtle here a minute ago.

00:55:57.480 You're just a turtle without a mask and a Bo Staff.

00:56:00.520 Who are you?

00:56:01.400 Yeah, I never thought about that.

00:56:02.420 They didn't really, it didn't really help their hiding, I don't think.

00:56:05.480 No, they didn't need, like, a lot of.

00:56:07.540 Except amongst other turtles, I think other turtles might have been like, oh, who is that?

00:56:12.160 You're right.

00:56:12.600 It's easier for us to identify turtles and specific turtles than turtles to identify

00:56:18.360 themselves.

00:56:19.440 Probably.

00:56:19.800 Because they spend a lot of time alone in their own shells.

00:56:22.400 They're not cognizant of, like, minuscule differences in the turtle.

00:56:27.940 I feel like I look like a turtle.

00:56:30.280 You know.

00:56:30.600 Honestly.

00:56:31.100 A shell, yeah, I can see you shell-less, kind of.

00:56:33.300 Out of the shell.

00:56:34.080 I'm out of a shell, like I'm an old.

00:56:35.740 Like a soft-shell turtle.

00:56:37.020 I'm a soft-shell turtle.

00:56:38.680 I love that.

00:56:39.860 Yeah, because I love soft-shell crabs.

00:56:41.180 I love that Nick keeps his mic on so he can hear his little giggles.

00:56:43.720 There's tittering.

00:56:44.380 Yeah.

00:56:45.300 Keeps you going, yeah.

00:56:48.300 I love that.

00:56:49.220 It's not like somebody turned it on.

00:56:50.720 It's like the lightest tickling.

00:56:52.020 It started with breathing and ends with, like, a titter.

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00:57:38.280 Okay, show me this guy's talent.

00:57:43.740 Okay, here's what's...

00:57:45.280 Oh.

00:57:46.340 No.

00:57:47.260 No.

00:57:48.300 No, don't do this.

00:57:50.920 Okay, I don't know if it's a talent or just...

00:57:53.620 It's not smart to do.

00:57:55.500 Is that it?

00:57:56.720 That's it.

00:57:57.160 That's it.

00:57:57.580 400.

00:57:57.920 405 pounds.

00:57:59.400 Yeah, what is a talent and what's not smart to do?

00:58:01.860 That's a great...

00:58:02.280 I think that that's not a talent.

00:58:04.320 I think that's just like...

00:58:05.900 I would imagine...

00:58:06.740 Listen, it's amazing that he can lift 405 pounds.

00:58:09.900 The lifting is the thing.

00:58:11.180 It is amazing that he can skateboard.

00:58:13.240 I can't skateboard.

00:58:14.380 Same.

00:58:14.540 But combining the two, he's not skateboarding.

00:58:17.120 He's standing on a skateboard to lift the weight.

00:58:21.120 So standing on the skateboard is not hard.

00:58:23.760 Lifting the weight, it's just stupid.

00:58:26.160 That's a bad decision.

00:58:27.760 Sometimes there is a thin line between a bad decision and talent.

00:58:32.040 Right?

00:58:32.540 Yeah.

00:58:33.160 That was a bad decision.

00:58:34.380 That wasn't talent.

00:58:35.800 Yeah.

00:58:36.220 There you go.

00:58:36.780 This looks like talent right now.

00:58:39.260 This could be talent.

00:58:40.160 This guy...

00:58:40.840 I already...

00:58:41.520 See, this is where my talent radar as a judge goes on.

00:58:45.340 Even before hearing him, seeing him, he's a patriot.

00:58:48.720 He's a patriot.

00:58:50.720 He's a patriot.

00:58:51.720 This water tower's sky.

00:58:54.660 To the black holes we've been driving.

00:58:58.320 All the way out here tonight.

00:59:00.840 To a bunch of pickups around a bonfire.

00:59:03.720 A lot of kids are picking on car tires.

00:59:08.080 For the music and for the love.

00:59:11.160 I thank the good Lord.

00:59:13.600 So here's to Mama.

00:59:16.060 Here's to Jesus.

00:59:17.620 Here's to all of my party people.

00:59:20.840 Here's to good times.

00:59:22.580 Here's to freedom.

00:59:24.040 All the ones who went back home.

00:59:26.880 Nice song.

00:59:27.540 It is a nice song.

00:59:28.440 He's kind of like a country Springsteen.

00:59:30.780 Yeah.

00:59:31.460 Isn't he?

00:59:32.060 But he's got this cherub face and it looks like he's just...

00:59:37.200 He's never smoked before, but right before he made this tape, he finished a pack of camels.

00:59:42.920 Just so that he can get that phlegm.

00:59:45.880 Yeah, I like this.

00:59:46.640 I think it's good, man.

00:59:46.920 I do like this.

00:59:47.900 I don't like the angle he shot it from.

00:59:50.160 Let's get a close-up of my nuts.

00:59:52.760 It's like he's playing backup to his own nuts.

00:59:56.340 Isn't it?

00:59:56.880 Like, why wouldn't he put the camera on a table?

01:00:00.100 It reminded me of being at a forest fire or something.

01:00:03.180 It reminded me of having, like, hot dogs with friends.

01:00:07.080 Being at a forest fire?

01:00:08.780 Do you mean a campfire?

01:00:09.840 Yeah, campfire.

01:00:10.620 Sorry.

01:00:10.940 Those things...

01:00:11.580 Don't mix those two things up.

01:00:13.200 Okay, sorry, man.

01:00:14.100 I didn't know that.

01:00:14.760 Maybe where you come from.

01:00:15.740 Let's go to a forest fire.

01:00:16.680 I love sitting around a forest fire with my friends.

01:00:19.700 I love sitting around a three-alarm fire with two friends and some marshmallows.

01:00:25.440 A small forest fire.

01:00:26.680 Oh, and it's so cute when they're watching people drop from their balconies into the...

01:00:31.420 What is the thing they drop into?

01:00:34.160 What do you catch them with?

01:00:36.180 No, the fire department.

01:00:37.460 I've never seen those.

01:00:38.680 When they run like this?

01:00:39.520 Yeah, they run with that big trampoline.

01:00:41.740 Yeah, I don't know if they...

01:00:42.520 Do they still do that, you think?

01:00:43.520 I didn't know they ever did it.

01:00:44.560 I saw it in a couple of movies.

01:00:45.640 I saw it in a lot of cartoons.

01:00:46.640 I have never...

01:00:47.600 And I'm an ambulance chaser...

01:00:49.100 No, no, no.

01:00:49.320 A fire truck chaser.

01:00:50.240 Yeah.

01:00:50.640 And I've never seen that at a fire where they took out that giant, you know, condom or whatever that is.

01:00:56.320 That IUD.

01:00:57.100 And so, jump!

01:00:58.040 Which I want to do one day.

01:01:00.160 Wouldn't you love to jump off a few stories into a giant trampoline?

01:01:03.320 It's one shot, one kill.

01:01:04.900 There it is right there, that life net.

01:01:06.940 And they don't use it anymore?

01:01:08.120 Is that what they're saying?

01:01:08.720 It's called the life net?

01:01:09.960 Let's get some intel on this, Nick.

01:01:11.240 Can you take us into that?

01:01:12.240 Yeah, they became obsolete in the 80s.

01:01:14.720 In the 80s?

01:01:15.520 Is there a reason why?

01:01:17.360 Is there...

01:01:18.840 Owing to their former prevalence, life nets often feature in...

01:01:23.920 No, it says they had varying...

01:01:28.060 Limitations.

01:01:29.180 Go up there.

01:01:30.440 Okay.

01:01:30.960 Limitations.

01:01:32.120 Firefight...

01:01:32.560 Cut.

01:01:33.680 I can't see it anymore.

01:01:35.080 So, firefighters believed that the practice height limit for successful use of the nets was about six stories.

01:01:42.460 Although, in the 1930s Chicago fire, people survived jumps from eight stories into a life net.

01:01:48.580 Wow.

01:01:49.120 One suffered a skull fracture and the other two had minor injuries.

01:01:52.220 But they were out of a fucking burning building.

01:01:54.120 Yeah.

01:01:54.520 So, if from four to six stories this could save lives, why do we say because we don't care about people?

01:02:00.800 Well, we can go to failures and problems right here as well.

01:02:03.960 If you can zoom a little bit on that, Nick, so we can see it as well.

01:02:06.520 All right.

01:02:07.480 Life nets often failed to save people, and some of those firefighters themselves were injured or killed by falling bodies.

01:02:13.180 And that is...

01:02:14.400 That is what I'm talking about.

01:02:16.440 Well, they're saying that they phased it out because the term Eugene, Oregon Express Reservation, saying that the term life net was misleading.

01:02:22.980 It should only be used as a last resort.

01:02:27.220 Well, it is the last resort.

01:02:29.260 Come on.

01:02:29.880 If you're in a resort and the resort is on fire, the next place you want to be lying and luxuriating is in a fucking life net if the resort's on fire.

01:02:38.960 Yeah.

01:02:39.160 If you're in a burning building, anything that is not burning is a resort.

01:02:43.760 It really is.

01:02:44.440 It really is.

01:02:45.220 It's just a getaway.

01:02:46.320 It's just a quick little getaway.

01:02:47.860 It's a life net.

01:02:48.540 Where are you going this Christmas?

01:02:50.140 I'm going to be lying in my life net.

01:02:51.720 Yeah.

01:02:51.980 I think a lot of...

01:02:53.700 I say we bring them back, man.

01:02:55.400 Howie, what if we put your face on it, too?

01:02:57.120 Some people were like, hey.

01:02:58.140 Jump onto my face.

01:02:59.160 Yeah, jump onto my face.

01:03:01.380 There you go.

01:03:02.000 Right here.

01:03:02.860 Right here.

01:03:04.180 Saving lives every day.

01:03:05.920 This guy looks like he's got something for us.

01:03:08.260 I don't know what the talent is.

01:03:09.200 He hasn't gotten out of his truck yet.

01:03:11.040 Yeah.

01:03:11.440 He's in his truck.

01:03:12.920 It could be.

01:03:14.340 What's going on, Theo and Howie?

01:03:16.040 My name is Isaac Spots.

01:03:17.840 I'm 21 years old.

01:03:19.100 I live in Jackson, Wyoming.

01:03:20.560 And this is my official audition for this past weekend's Fans Got Talent, baby.

01:03:26.300 I got a little trick up my sleeve.

01:03:27.840 A little magic that I think you guys might enjoy.

01:03:29.660 And he doesn't have sleeves.

01:03:30.620 Be prepared to be amazed.

01:03:31.860 Are you ready for this?

01:03:32.740 As you can see, there's nothing in my hands, fellas.

01:03:35.440 Literally nothing.

01:03:36.340 I have nothing up my sleeves.

01:03:37.460 It'd be hard to put something in these sleeves anyways.

01:03:39.840 Check this out.

01:03:41.020 Okay.

01:03:41.280 What is he doing?

01:03:48.160 Take his penis off, I bet.

01:03:55.740 Explain that one, fellas.

01:03:57.460 You feel me?

01:03:59.220 Wow.

01:03:59.540 Anyways, that's all I got for y'all.

01:04:01.000 Gang, gang.

01:04:01.760 Take care, fellas.

01:04:02.800 Gang, gang.

01:04:03.440 What's up, player?

01:04:04.560 So that was, explain that one.

01:04:06.320 Isaac Spots, I don't know either.

01:04:07.680 He had been smoking the night before.

01:04:09.300 I think I can do it.

01:04:10.520 Really?

01:04:11.000 Yeah.

01:04:11.380 Nothing up my sleeves.

01:04:12.840 No, I think I can.

01:04:13.600 I really can.

01:04:14.180 Okay.

01:04:14.540 Watch this.

01:04:25.280 Did you see any?

01:04:27.600 Did you see any?

01:04:28.360 I didn't.

01:04:29.400 I saw.

01:04:29.960 I swear.

01:04:30.540 I can do it.

01:04:31.540 I'll do it again.

01:04:32.300 I'll try to do it again.

01:04:33.260 There might have been like a little something.

01:04:35.860 No, no, no.

01:04:37.100 It's kind of, it's a known thing.

01:04:38.860 You think he had something in his hand?

01:04:40.200 He put a, he inhaled something?

01:04:41.380 No.

01:04:42.040 No, I can do it.

01:04:43.060 I'm telling you.

01:04:43.740 It's your lighting.

01:04:44.420 Let me try it one more time.

01:04:45.480 All right.

01:04:50.500 Oh, dang.

01:04:52.160 Get in there.

01:04:53.140 Get deep.

01:04:55.400 Get there, baby.

01:04:56.260 Get there, baby.

01:04:59.520 That time I saw it.

01:05:00.420 Yeah.

01:05:00.560 That was huge.

01:05:00.920 You did?

01:05:01.360 Yeah.

01:05:02.080 Oh, dang.

01:05:02.440 Oh, you're winking.

01:05:03.680 Because we're going to add it in post.

01:05:04.840 It's just a really bad fucking animated piece of smoke.

01:05:15.220 We got a new editor.

01:05:16.620 Yeah, yeah.

01:05:17.000 That's true, man.

01:05:17.600 Do something with this shit.

01:05:19.060 He's supposed to be awesome, man.

01:05:22.120 You know what?

01:05:23.600 Sometimes when you have magicians on the show, you go, you know what?

01:05:26.960 It looks amazing, but it's all smoke and mirrors.

01:05:29.540 Yeah.

01:05:29.780 And when you brought a magician on your show, all it is is a little bit of smoke.

01:05:34.880 He didn't even bring him beer.

01:05:35.860 There's no trick.

01:05:37.360 It's just the smoke.

01:05:39.360 And it turns around, takes a hit off a cigarette, and then blows it out.

01:05:44.300 And he had the most, like he was the first kid said, I want this to bring honor to my family.

01:05:49.880 The next guy legitimately sang a song from a bad angle.

01:05:53.840 And this guy had the most, I thought, wait till you see this.

01:05:57.180 It's great being here.

01:05:58.240 I got something for you.

01:05:59.920 Let's go.

01:06:00.740 And it was nothing.

01:06:01.560 My dad died in the mines.

01:06:03.140 Right.

01:06:03.640 It was nothing.

01:06:04.600 It was nothing.

01:06:05.520 It was nothing.

01:06:06.380 It was nothing.

01:06:07.140 But Simon might have loved it.

01:06:08.780 Yeah.

01:06:11.100 That's where I go after this.

01:06:12.500 Is Heidi still there?

01:06:13.740 Yeah.

01:06:14.300 God, bro.

01:06:15.220 Dude, I thought I had a chance with her one time, man.

01:06:18.180 Yeah, she did the show.

01:06:19.140 I really did.

01:06:19.880 I think she thought you were adorable.

01:06:20.860 I don't know that you have a chance with her.

01:06:22.580 How old are you, Theo?

01:06:23.520 Me?

01:06:23.880 I'm 41.

01:06:24.700 No, you got no chance.

01:06:26.140 Really?

01:06:26.440 She likes younger guys?

01:06:27.460 Her husband is 30.

01:06:27.720 Oh.

01:06:28.680 Yeah.

01:06:29.420 She likes, she loves her children.

01:06:31.500 But at the time, I was 34.

01:06:35.600 Or 33, that we did the show, 34.

01:06:38.100 Yeah, but then she was going out with, the guy she was going out with right when she was

01:06:41.640 in the show, I think was.

01:06:43.040 He owned like Saturn or something.

01:06:44.720 No, he was eight, eight and a half.

01:06:47.240 So she, she likes young ones.

01:06:48.640 Oh yeah, I got six and a half.

01:06:50.060 I got six if I'm lucky, you know?

01:06:51.800 No, she's a, she's a good friend.

01:06:56.300 It's amazing.

01:06:56.960 Do you follow her on Instagram?

01:06:58.140 Yeah, man.

01:06:59.100 She's very rarely dressed.

01:07:01.020 Oh, dude.

01:07:01.680 I remember one time we were sitting in the makeup chair or something and I like, she had come

01:07:09.180 right here.

01:07:09.600 I didn't know.

01:07:10.820 And she had on like some type of, I don't know what it was, man, but it was something.

01:07:17.920 And...

01:07:18.360 It was probably like that last guy's shirt.

01:07:20.360 And you guys, like somebody, she threw her voice or something and I turned, oh yeah.

01:07:23.780 It was like that last guy's shirt, dude.

01:07:25.840 Yeah.

01:07:26.140 But the middle, but she had the sleeves, but not the kind of middle part.

01:07:29.300 Right.

01:07:29.880 It was like an inverse wife beater.

01:07:32.900 Yes.

01:07:33.320 And I remember turning and her chest was right there, bro.

01:07:36.480 Right.

01:07:36.800 I mean, all the clumes, baby.

01:07:38.420 You know what I'm saying?

01:07:39.120 You were right into, the clumes weren't hiding.

01:07:41.540 Oh yeah, they were not, they were not hiding.

01:07:43.820 The clumes were not hiding, bro.

01:07:45.620 So, and I remember just praying that night that I would have a chance with her and then

01:07:49.160 nothing ever happened.

01:07:50.000 Well, you got it.

01:07:50.480 You should have said, do I have a chance with you?

01:07:52.200 Yeah, I should have.

01:07:53.020 You didn't say anything.

01:07:53.800 You thought it would just unfold.

01:07:55.020 Oh yeah, yeah.

01:07:55.940 Word free.

01:07:57.180 Just boom, you'd be there.

01:07:58.940 Enough of that seance and just Ouija boarding, you know.

01:08:01.500 Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.

01:08:02.160 I get the word Sofia Vergara is stunning in person.

01:08:06.060 Yeah.

01:08:06.300 As pretty as she is on television, it's crazy.

01:08:09.020 And that's my job.

01:08:09.740 That's where I'm going from here.

01:08:10.800 Really?

01:08:11.180 I'm going over to AGT right now.

01:08:12.940 We got some talent you might want to take with you.

01:08:14.360 Does she have a website?

01:08:17.420 Does she have a, is she on Instagram, this girl?

01:08:19.700 Her name is Brenda O'Connor.

01:08:21.280 She didn't include any of that info.

01:08:22.620 Okay, let's see.

01:08:23.440 Let's see what Brenda does.

01:08:24.740 She goes for three and a half minutes, so just let me know when you said it better not.

01:08:28.160 She goes for three and a half minutes.

01:08:29.300 These are things you go through before you go on a date.

01:08:33.280 She goes for three and a half minutes, so do you have time to take in a movie, take her

01:08:36.680 out for coffee, and then you got three and a half minutes.

01:08:39.800 She sounds right up my alley, honestly.

01:08:42.160 It's a three-minute introduction.

01:08:50.860 Always question how, what, when, and why.

01:08:56.160 But I'm getting cold.

01:08:58.900 Always on in any sight of time.

01:09:04.180 I like her.

01:09:04.960 But I'm getting under.

01:09:06.660 Sounds good.

01:09:07.440 This is legitimate.

01:09:08.500 Great.

01:09:08.840 Is this an original?

01:09:25.820 Is this her song, or is it?

01:09:27.480 She didn't include it.

01:09:28.440 Yes, I, yes, I'm willing to fight.

01:09:32.000 Give me a moment to order.

01:09:35.860 Leave me with a lifetime of speculation.

01:09:40.040 For all of eternity.

01:09:42.080 Wow, that's good.

01:09:42.900 That's good, Nick.

01:09:44.400 That's good, Nick.

01:09:45.860 She's really good.

01:09:46.760 Here's what I would suggest for her.

01:09:48.340 Well, she did put it on tape, but it's funny that she put this talent on tape and sent it

01:09:52.500 to this podcast instead of to AGT.

01:09:55.880 So I think she's got talent.

01:09:57.520 She just is misdirected.

01:09:58.980 I think that she needs to make that tape and send it to AGT.com.

01:10:04.420 And I'm telling you, that was really, really good.

01:10:07.100 Was it her own song, or you don't know?

01:10:08.800 I'm trying to see if we can find her Instagram.

01:10:10.400 I don't know.

01:10:10.700 But regardless, she's got a really good voice.

01:10:13.440 She's just a very pleasant entertainer who I think would do well on AGT.

01:10:21.200 Yeah, she sounds really good.

01:10:21.980 This is another piece of talent.

01:10:23.500 Yeah, this guy is doing some stand-up outside.

01:10:26.220 Stand-up on the road.

01:10:27.680 Look where he chose to do it.

01:10:29.300 Literally.

01:10:29.940 Who's that behind him?

01:10:30.740 Is that Mick Jagger?

01:10:30.920 Is that Lou?

01:10:31.520 Is that your friend Lou?

01:10:32.340 It looks like Lou, or Mick Jagger on a fence or a wall behind him.

01:10:35.620 How about Charlie Watts?

01:10:36.900 I know, huh?

01:10:37.820 So sad.

01:10:38.940 I love the Stones.

01:10:39.880 That's my favorite group of all time.

01:10:41.360 I've seen them about five times.

01:10:43.680 Who do you like in music?

01:10:45.100 I like Rolling Stones.

01:10:46.220 I like Black Crows.

01:10:47.120 I saw them a couple of weeks ago.

01:10:50.020 Yeah, I mean, it's just heartbreaking, man.

01:10:51.720 I like Grateful Dead.

01:10:52.620 I like John Mayer.

01:10:53.920 John Mayer's funny.

01:10:54.780 John Mayer is funny.

01:10:55.540 He is funny, and yeah, he's just a conduit of talent, man.

01:10:58.760 Well, he's touring now with Grateful Dead.

01:11:01.100 Yeah.

01:11:01.520 Yeah.

01:11:01.960 He's remarkable.

01:11:02.900 All right, let's see.

01:11:04.540 What up, people?

01:11:05.380 This is Banjo.

01:11:06.240 I'm from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

01:11:07.940 Oh, my people.

01:11:08.840 I'm leaving Croatia.

01:11:09.880 This is a little stand-up routine for Fans Got Talent on Theo Vaughn's this past weekend podcast.

01:11:17.520 Here we go.

01:11:18.640 Got someone in his hand.

01:11:20.300 Here we go.

01:11:20.720 Well, back in the day, I got my first kitten, right?

01:11:23.180 Hold on.

01:11:24.000 Yeah, I'm a fucking cat guy.

01:11:25.280 No big deal, right?

01:11:26.520 But let me take it back.

01:11:27.980 So there used to be these crackheads that used to always have these kittens.

01:11:32.240 I don't know why they have kittens.

01:11:37.800 Okay, well, I like this.

01:11:38.940 This is kind of neat.

01:11:39.620 Is that chopping the screws out?

01:11:42.280 No, so it's crackheads that have kittens, and then did he slow it down because he's easing?

01:11:47.720 Is that a technical problem?

01:11:49.560 Oh, okay.

01:11:50.960 Something happened where it extended it.

01:11:53.240 Gotcha.

01:11:53.460 So here I go.

01:11:55.260 Okay.

01:11:55.640 Well, back in the day, I got...

01:11:57.000 That wasn't...

01:11:57.840 No, that was not intentional.

01:11:59.380 I don't know how that happened.

01:12:00.220 I slowed it down to 10 minutes.

01:12:01.620 It was a three-minute video.

01:12:02.420 Okay.

01:12:02.900 Yeah, I'm a fucking cat guy.

01:12:03.600 But when it's good, you want it to last.

01:12:06.940 And people are going, fuck, this is amazing.

01:12:09.640 Crackheads with cats.

01:12:13.260 And that's a talent, man.

01:12:14.620 And I love...

01:12:15.540 What I love about this comic already is...

01:12:17.900 And I think that that's a funny thing to do.

01:12:19.660 Outside right here.

01:12:20.360 Well, first of all, outside in front of nobody, but the over-explanation of a setup.

01:12:25.420 Yeah.

01:12:26.100 So, like, can you imagine going to the club next time or your next Netflix special?

01:12:30.420 All right, here's what I got for you.

01:12:32.420 I got for everybody here at Netflix, I got a comedy routine.

01:12:36.920 I'm going to be coming out here in just a minute.

01:12:38.920 I'm going to be doing some jokes and routines and just chatting.

01:12:42.180 I might do some interaction with you, with the audience.

01:12:45.840 I think I might be doing things that you're going to find mildly amusing.

01:12:49.440 There might be things that you find hilarious.

01:12:52.020 I'm going to probably close, which will be an hour from now, with my best piece.

01:12:57.080 That's my drop the mic moment.

01:12:59.100 I will give you a signal.

01:13:00.420 So, you will know the drop the mic moment.

01:13:02.540 The signal that I have come up with is the mic dropping.

01:13:07.660 You will know.

01:13:08.600 You will see that.

01:13:09.140 Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Maniscalco.

01:13:13.360 If that wasn't the best Sebastian impersonation.

01:13:16.280 All right, let's hear the cats in the crack.

01:13:19.900 The cats in the crack.

01:13:21.220 Well, back in the day, I got my first kitten.

01:13:23.720 Hold on.

01:13:24.720 Yeah, I'm a fucking cat guy.

01:13:26.000 No big deal, right?

01:13:27.280 But let me take it back.

01:13:28.680 So, there used to be these crackheads.

01:13:31.300 They used to always have these kittens.

01:13:33.100 I don't know why they had kittens.

01:13:34.180 They always had like 15 kittens at a time.

01:13:35.480 What did he take back?

01:13:36.240 So, I used to go to these guys, and they used to be my cat dealer.

01:13:39.840 So, I had a stepdaughter that wanted cats, but we already had two of them.

01:13:43.420 Hang on.

01:13:43.920 Stop for a second.

01:13:44.740 I had my first kid, then he had a stepdaughter, crackhead.

01:13:50.100 This is the most confusing.

01:13:51.780 It's like Downton Abbey, but in Memphis, I feel like.

01:13:54.060 This is getting pretty crazy, bro.

01:13:57.160 And I love that he's got so many gestures.

01:13:59.020 He's leaning on the wall.

01:14:00.360 I don't understand what the fuck.

01:14:01.900 I don't either.

01:14:02.580 I had to play him.

01:14:03.740 This is Bunjo.

01:14:04.980 He's a longtime supporter of this past weekend.

01:14:07.860 He's been watching since the beginning.

01:14:08.780 And we love Bunjo.

01:14:09.720 Bunjo, thank you so much for telling us this.

01:14:12.880 It's a nice little soft kitten.

01:14:15.120 Nice little furry piece of life in your hand.

01:14:17.520 Amen, baby.

01:14:18.580 So, she wants kittens, but we don't want to buy them for real.

01:14:22.020 So, we used to go to these crackheads and rent kittens.

01:14:26.540 $10 a day for the kittens.

01:14:28.000 So, we used to rent three.

01:14:28.880 So, that's $30 a day.

01:14:30.260 Wow.

01:14:30.680 Math.

01:14:30.900 Now, there's one time.

01:14:31.960 That's math.

01:14:33.360 They came over, and they're like, hey, ding, ding, ding, knock on the door.

01:14:37.000 Ding, ding, ding, knock.

01:14:38.380 Ding is not knock.

01:14:39.540 It's an aluminum door.

01:14:40.320 Wait, wait.

01:14:40.900 But ding, ding, ding is the bell.

01:14:42.880 Look, the door was made out of bells.

01:14:45.580 Come on, Owie.

01:14:46.340 Ding, ding, ding.

01:14:47.900 He did even the knocking gesture.

01:14:50.620 Ding, ding, ding.

01:14:54.540 This guy's great.

01:14:55.980 I love Bunjo.

01:14:57.180 I'm going to give him the same advice because he's got to come on AGP.

01:15:00.420 Just the way he tells jokes.

01:15:02.140 Here's what I'm going to need.

01:15:03.940 I don't want to come into the theater.

01:15:05.340 I want to be outside.

01:15:06.380 You got a wall I can lean on sometimes, and I'm going to tell stories.

01:15:09.400 Yeah, I need a small river in the background or a sewage canal.

01:15:11.860 Just a furry bundle of life.

01:15:14.440 Yeah, life.

01:15:15.560 Should we keep going to a punchline?

01:15:17.240 Oh, we didn't get one?

01:15:18.280 Okay, keep going.

01:15:18.940 Keep going.

01:15:19.240 A black kitten?

01:15:20.440 So we're like, all right.

01:15:21.900 So it's a black kitten and a black dog.

01:15:23.540 I'm like, all right, sure.

01:15:25.020 I'm like, why?

01:15:26.100 What's going on?

01:15:27.180 They're like, somebody just died because they overdosed on drugs in my apartment.

01:15:32.640 So the cops are there.

01:15:33.660 So I got to put these guys somewhere safe.

01:15:36.180 So I'm like, all right, that's no big deal.

01:15:37.980 So the guy ends up going to jail and killing his fucking girlfriend, right?

01:15:41.540 A little furry bundle of life.

01:15:49.800 I mean, the story keeps going.

01:15:54.000 The thing is, what's great about it is what he's using is he's using real life to make humor.

01:16:00.660 And sometimes the darkest – I like he goes because the guy – there was a murder at another apartment.

01:16:07.180 No big deal.

01:16:08.200 I like that he says no big deal because he doesn't want to make it heavy.

01:16:10.680 And he just killed his fucking girlfriend.

01:16:13.280 But back to the kittens.

01:16:15.360 We have this dog, which I named Blackie Chan because he's a black Labrador.

01:16:20.180 We ended up giving it to my brother's neighbor when she dubbed himself the Whore Master because he used to go to Cuba and pick up all these young girls.

01:16:26.920 Okay, stop it right now.

01:16:28.740 So we've gone from murder to sex trafficking to –

01:16:32.640 Is this Gamora?

01:16:33.500 This sounds like that show Gamora.

01:16:34.420 No, you're not getting the jokes.

01:16:36.160 This is an amazing – you know what this reminds me of?

01:16:39.800 Something – who did a similar joke?

01:16:43.840 It was – who's that girl with the –

01:16:46.660 I don't know what you're talking about.

01:16:48.280 Everybody – somebody – they told the worst joke and everybody kept telling it.

01:16:52.560 It's not the one I was talking about.

01:16:53.880 Aristocrats.

01:16:54.880 Aristocrats.

01:16:55.220 All the aristocrats.

01:16:56.460 I was in that.

01:16:57.160 You were?

01:16:57.720 Yeah.

01:16:58.380 Did you hate it?

01:17:00.180 Sorry.

01:17:01.120 You hated it?

01:17:01.760 I wouldn't watch it again.

01:17:05.880 The only reason I did this episode of your podcast was to – I wanted people to re-rent it and re-stream it.

01:17:11.880 I was going to – I was plugging that.

01:17:14.280 If you'd have done it in gizmo voice, man, I would have really dug it.

01:17:17.420 All right.

01:17:17.700 Let me hear – get to the punchline.

01:17:18.920 Then I got to go.

01:17:19.740 All right.

01:17:20.100 Alarming if you think about it now.

01:17:24.820 We end up giving it to the whore master.

01:17:27.180 And the whore master, a week later, boom, the whore master wasn't a good person.

01:17:31.120 He got the dog killed.

01:17:32.380 He got hit by a car.

01:17:33.360 All right.

01:17:33.740 Stop it right here.

01:17:38.300 It just gets funnier and funnier.

01:17:42.140 This is your longtime supporter.

01:17:44.160 I don't know why you're laughing, Theo.

01:17:45.360 These are your people.

01:17:46.560 And these are good people, Howie.

01:17:48.000 No, no, no.

01:17:48.580 He's a good person.

01:17:49.320 He's just not a great comedian.

01:17:51.640 Or maybe he is.

01:17:53.320 Look at the crowd.

01:17:54.280 You know what the thing is?

01:17:55.380 I learned, and you did too, how do you come up with good comedy?

01:17:59.040 We go to the clubs every night and we see how people react.

01:18:02.020 What I would say to this person is just go inside.

01:18:05.480 The first step is go inside where there's another person.

01:18:08.380 I promise you, you will never tell this joke again.

01:18:11.560 Let's continue.

01:18:12.340 There's got to be a punchline.

01:18:13.360 Look at the one guy.

01:18:14.380 He's still there.

01:18:15.680 Where?

01:18:16.040 The painted head.

01:18:17.740 Jacob, where?

01:18:18.380 Jacob, where?

01:18:19.320 The black cat.

01:18:20.560 And I ended up keeping him.

01:18:22.500 His name is Kraken.

01:18:23.360 He lives with me now.

01:18:24.100 He travels with me.

01:18:25.000 No big deal.

01:18:25.740 I'm a fucking cat guy.

01:18:27.980 So he ends up living with me.

01:18:29.780 So I take him to this vet with my ex-girlfriend.

01:18:32.000 Now, at first, I'm like, oh, shit.

01:18:35.500 We're just going to get his balls snipped and snippet he did.

01:18:38.020 Oh, yeah.

01:18:38.760 And we're getting a noodle.

01:18:41.000 So we bring him to the vet.

01:18:43.020 First thing I noticed, the vet's Asian.

01:18:45.080 I'm like, oh, shit.

01:18:45.860 How much money do you want him to put down?

01:18:47.820 That this vet is going to get him put down so he can have a dinner for his family.

01:18:52.280 Oh, my God.

01:18:53.520 Oh, my God.

01:18:54.660 Now it's getting edgy.

01:18:56.820 But so I'm like, oh, shit.

01:18:58.300 He's probably going to put him down for some dinner, right?

01:19:00.540 And then we're in the waiting room, the operation room, as they say.

01:19:04.760 And he's feeling my cat's balls.

01:19:07.980 But I notice he's holding on to him too long for like five minutes.

01:19:12.900 And my cat starts crying.

01:19:14.500 I look at my girlfriend.

01:19:15.380 I look at the doctor.

01:19:16.520 I'm like, how the fuck doesn't anybody notice this shit?

01:19:19.040 So I'm like, hey, buddy.

01:19:20.980 Can't you hear my cat's crying?

01:19:22.520 Stop molesting him.

01:19:23.940 Boom.

01:19:24.440 My girlfriend stalks me in the face.

01:19:26.360 It's just Donna's question.

01:19:27.920 This is Bonjo.

01:19:29.480 This is my stand-up.

01:19:30.540 I don't really do this.

01:19:31.800 No, you don't.

01:19:32.220 I hope you like it.

01:19:33.420 Love it.

01:19:33.780 Yeah.

01:19:33.980 I want you all a band.

01:19:35.740 Howie, you're a legend.

01:19:36.600 I remember you from Bobby's world.

01:19:37.760 Thank you.

01:19:38.200 Boom, boom.

01:19:38.840 Boom, boom.

01:19:39.700 Boom, boom.

01:19:40.780 Gang, gang.

01:19:41.400 Boom, boom, baby.

01:19:42.880 That was great.

01:19:43.540 That was great.

01:19:44.160 Because I like that he, thank God he put a little cavity at the end saying,

01:19:49.180 I don't really do stand-up.

01:19:50.620 Because you wouldn't know that.

01:19:52.080 You would not know that.

01:19:53.680 It's like this guy's been doing this for a lifetime.

01:19:57.360 Oh, I think it's amazing.

01:19:58.200 He went to a place and set this up and did it.

01:20:01.820 You could tell he was nervous, Bonjo, putting it out there, trying material.

01:20:05.780 Maybe if I just try some, like, string together a bunch of violent shit, kittens, whores, and

01:20:13.380 maybe a little bit of racism just at the end to throw in.

01:20:16.680 Don't forget the catchphrase, big deal, I'm a fucking cat guy.

01:20:19.740 Yeah, big deal, I'm a fucking cat guy.

01:20:23.220 I would love to be in the offices at America's Got Talent when this tape arrives.

01:20:28.560 God, this is so funny.

01:20:30.880 Yeah.

01:20:31.260 Is there an AGT Uncensored that's going to come out or something?

01:20:34.160 That's what I'm wondering.

01:20:34.840 They tell me phenomenal stories that never make the air, that, you know, people come in with their ideas and tapes like this.

01:20:42.420 That was amazing.

01:20:43.560 It was something, man.

01:20:44.520 It was definitely something, and I'm glad that he put it on.

01:20:46.540 I'm glad we had a professional here to judge him for it.

01:20:48.840 But one of my friends that worked at Red Bull for a long time told me that they would record the craziest calls that came into their 1-800 number from people on Red Bull.

01:20:56.620 And at the Christmas party, they would play them for everybody.

01:20:59.660 Oh, I love it.

01:21:00.160 I know.

01:21:00.620 I always wish I could have gone to that.

01:21:01.880 I follow this thing on, I think it's on TikTok, where somebody has animated all the really weird 911 calls.

01:21:10.440 Oh, wow.

01:21:11.600 Like, horrible, like, just bad 911 calls.

01:21:14.620 That's a great idea.

01:21:15.740 It's really great.

01:21:16.700 And people calling for the stupidest things.

01:21:19.260 How much do you love TikTok?

01:21:20.600 I feel like it fits you so well, like, just in the sense.

01:21:23.760 Because I'm good for 15 seconds and out.

01:21:27.420 I did good.

01:21:28.500 You know, I'm doing good on it.

01:21:29.660 I love social media.

01:21:31.160 I just love all kinds of social media.

01:21:33.400 I just like, you know, a reason to get up and dance like an idiot.

01:21:37.280 Or a reason to post a picture.

01:21:40.260 Or to...

01:21:41.620 I just like just being someplace.

01:21:44.660 Yeah.

01:21:45.060 Not in my own head.

01:21:46.320 Amen.

01:21:46.880 I just keep doing shit.

01:21:48.040 And that's why I'm doing this.

01:21:49.120 And I can't thank you enough for having me, buddy.

01:21:51.220 Yeah, thank you so much, man.

01:21:52.660 Thank you for helping me get a job, too, on your show a while back.

01:21:56.120 And thank you.

01:21:56.280 We've got to work together again.

01:21:57.540 The next step is you come in on my podcast.

01:21:59.740 Okay.

01:22:00.160 And we'll prank prank.

01:22:01.260 Okay.

01:22:01.840 Yeah.

01:22:02.180 Oh, you know what we'll do?

01:22:03.360 We'll get a bunch of fucking cats.

01:22:06.100 All right?

01:22:06.840 We'll get some fucking cats.

01:22:08.300 Oh, yeah.

01:22:08.520 I'm a fucking cat guy, you know?

01:22:09.920 I am.

01:22:10.480 And then, oh, it'll be great.

01:22:12.280 We'll take them down the street.

01:22:13.660 Hopefully, there'll be, like, a murder in progress.

01:22:16.260 And then when we see that the murder is there, we'll get a dog also.

01:22:20.460 Oh, boom, boom.

01:22:21.000 And send that over to where the crackheads are.

01:22:24.400 Yeah.

01:22:24.700 I like that, man.

01:22:25.520 I mean, listen, I've got to come up with my own material.

01:22:28.980 Let's don't spin it all here.

01:22:31.460 Yeah, some of that might be copywritten.

01:22:33.440 Howie Mandel, congrats on all your lifelong success.

01:22:36.900 And thank you for being a great entertainer for so many people.

01:22:39.600 And thanks for being my friend.

01:22:40.880 And thanks for coming in today.

01:22:42.040 Thank you, buddy.

01:22:42.700 Stay healthy.

01:22:43.320 Yeah, take care of Ritz, too, man.

01:22:44.700 I'll try.

01:22:48.120 And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.

01:22:58.980 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:23:05.200 I must be cornerstone.

01:23:10.280 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:23:15.840 I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake

01:23:28.900 And let myself unwind.

01:23:30.900 Shine that light on me

01:23:35.620 I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:23:41.520 Shine on me

01:23:46.300 And I will find a song

01:23:50.520 I will sing it just for you

01:23:53.940 And now I've been moving way too fast

01:24:01.480 On the runaway train

01:24:02.880 With a heavy load of my past

01:24:06.360 And these rails that I've been riding on

01:24:11.960 They're worn so thin that they're damn near gone

01:24:14.680 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite

01:24:20.820 And welcome to Kite Club

01:24:22.120 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events

01:24:25.780 Stand-up stories

01:24:27.020 And seven ways to pleasure your partner

01:24:29.340 The answer may shock you

01:24:31.240 Sometimes I'll interview my friends

01:24:33.240 Sometimes I won't

01:24:34.580 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:24:38.060 You have three new voice messages

01:24:40.920 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club

01:24:43.940 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long

01:24:46.760 Longer than anybody else

01:24:48.380 So great

01:24:49.180 Aye, sweet

01:24:50.760 Easy deal

01:24:52.220 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club

01:24:54.680 Is a dodgy bloody wanker

01:24:56.720 Jermaine

01:24:57.420 Ho ho

01:24:58.620 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese

01:25:00.720 And a McFlurry

01:25:01.740 Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken

01:25:03.600 Ho ho ho

01:25:05.060 No

01:25:05.520 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:25:08.560 Anyway

01:25:09.000 First rule of Kite Club is

01:25:10.960 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:25:12.660 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:25:14.620 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:25:16.860 Third rule

01:25:17.640 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts

01:25:20.260 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:25:22.880 And yes, don't worry

01:25:23.920 My Brad Pitt impression will get better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 26, 2021

E355 Howie Mandel

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