E361 Mark Normand
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 45 minutes
Words per Minute
198.24161
Summary
Comedian Dave Thomas joins Jemele to discuss his new Netflix special, Out To Lunch. He also talks about his love of Wendy's chili and the time he almost got run over by a car in the middle of the night in the parking lot.
Transcript
00:00:00.840
You know, it's really difficult to shop for insurance online.
00:00:05.740
Next thing you know, you're touching yourself, and you still don't have insurance.
00:00:12.920
The Zebra compares car and home insurance quotes for every major insurance company in
00:00:19.780
Compare quotes for free at thezebra.com slash T-H-E-O.
00:00:34.060
I want to start this episode off by just saying thank you for supporting me, and just to announce
00:00:41.420
that the Netflix airing will be on October 19th, so you can check out it on Netflix.
00:00:53.160
I appreciate anybody that supported me in my comedy career, and I'm grateful.
00:01:00.700
It's been a lot of hard work, and a lot of you guys have come out over the years and watched
00:01:13.900
I want to thank Liquid Death for being a part of my life.
00:01:20.020
I want to let everybody know that tickets are going on sale now for a show in Coachella, California.
00:01:33.500
It's Spotlight 29 Casino, and that's Saturday, December 4th, 2021.
00:01:39.320
And those tickets are available at theovan.com slash tour.
00:01:45.060
As well, we got dates in Wilkes-Beyer, PA, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Charleston, Baltimore, Burlington,
00:01:58.320
Those are all available at theovan.com slash tour.
00:02:03.000
We have other places as well, but those are the places that still have tickets available.
00:02:15.980
If you've run out of gas a lot like me, then you might want to have something to wear while
00:02:20.680
you're out there waiting for the AAA or for the gas friend.
00:02:24.100
Today's guest, he's changing the game up himself.
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Other people have claimed to do it, but I really see it with this man.
00:02:31.640
He's a real humorous man, and he's probably one of the, I mean, he's just, he's just one
00:02:42.240
And he's got a special Out to Lunch that's available on YouTube, and he's got his podcast
00:02:48.500
Tuesday with Stories that he co-hosts with Mr. Joe List.
00:02:53.920
I'm happy to have him here today in our Central East studio, Mr. Mark Normand.
00:03:01.540
For me to set that parking brake, and let myself unwind.
00:03:21.360
And I will find a song I've been singing just from you.
00:03:39.020
I was just over at Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen.
00:03:52.900
I was just at the dang, I was over at Walgreen.
00:04:02.560
And they had, I was in line, and they're like, make sure to tag us on your social medias.
00:04:08.180
And it literally just blew my brain out of my freaking wiener, man.
00:04:13.720
Because it was like, who is going to like, you know, got my cancer meds or whatever, you know, like.
00:04:24.140
It just seemed, it's just crazy how everything is like hashtag, like just like.
00:04:30.220
Sometimes, though, you got to admit those guys are funny on Twitter.
00:04:36.880
Yeah, if Wendy's and Arby's go off, dog, I'm there for that.
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Because, you know, there's just some fat guy behind a desk, and he's just like, ah, screw it.
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I'm going to be myself with the face of Wendy's.
00:05:01.660
And you'd get the baked potato, you'd pour the chili on it, then some girl was like, what?
00:05:11.960
It felt like, you know, you go to Rally's or McDonald's, it felt a little lowbrow, but Wendy's felt a little upscale.
00:05:25.400
I mean, he still hit me, but, you know, I was at the salad bar, so it felt classier.
00:05:32.980
Pizza Hut salad bars used to have that pudding on them.
00:06:02.880
My mom was at Crazy Coups with the clippings at the end, and she's like, hold on, I got one.
00:06:17.580
Because you got to save six cents on some ice cream sandwiches.
00:06:31.920
I'll be at a red light, and I'm like, I better look at my phone.
00:06:35.160
I can't make it the eight seconds before I cross the street.
00:06:41.540
Yeah, but it's like, who's running this red light?
00:06:43.640
Is this like, you know, it's almost like, you're almost like, this red light needs to
00:06:51.680
Or just like, why, you know, every little bit of, everything feels like, things didn't
00:07:11.360
And now it's like, wait, I could be doing something.
00:07:21.120
Instagram went down a couple days ago, and there was a part of me like, I hope it doesn't
00:07:28.500
I know growing up, a lot of storms come through there, dude.
00:07:36.280
Remember they had one guy there, they found he didn't have any DNA in his body?
00:07:41.940
They couldn't genome sequence him or something.
00:07:45.640
Well, hopefully he's not a serial killer, because he'll get away with it.
00:07:48.760
Look, if God gives you that gift, bro, you better buy a hatchet.
00:07:56.460
But I remember when the power would go out at our house, dude, we would get into, it
00:08:02.360
was like the only time our family was kind of close.
00:08:06.980
The candles came out, you had to talk to your brother.
00:08:14.440
It was so, yeah, but I love, there's almost something kind of cool about it.
00:08:17.440
Like, it was a, your family became a little bit of a necessity, because you were scared,
00:08:24.400
You didn't know, like, the second anybody left the candle, it was like, what happened to
00:08:48.440
I don't know if they, you might have to be a high school graduate.
00:08:53.700
I'm not sure what they're, like, what the jurisdiction is on being able to fly or not.
00:09:07.760
I think they're all banging each other, by the way.
00:09:14.380
That's what I've been reading in the Amish newsletter.
00:09:17.900
We use trusted English neighbors are not permitted travel airplanes.
00:09:25.100
You know, there was a, I remember that show Breaking Amish, right?
00:09:29.060
And there was one of the guys, he's, like, cutting the grass with that little, with just the spinning knife.
00:09:37.180
And they interview him, and he's, like, man, I was adopted.
00:09:41.440
I'm not even fucking supposed to be Amish, dog.
00:09:57.240
Yeah, I wonder why they really tapped into that market, I guess.
00:10:04.960
It's, like, somebody took, yeah, they said they, it's, like, people harvesting organs or something.
00:10:27.920
What isn't the same, when I moved to New York, there was all these hot bar shows and alternative shows, and those are all gone.
00:10:39.680
You know, you've got this group, you've got that group, and everything's politicized, and what side are you on, and all that shit, and, you know, there's, like, these teams now, and it's not good.
00:10:51.400
Like, when you say teams, like, is it so, it's, like, does it feel political?
00:10:55.120
Does it feel like, or just, like, if you're not woke enough, does it feel, I'm just trying to think.
00:11:00.160
Yeah, a little of everything, a little of all that, and you've got to fall into your tribe a little bit now.
00:11:04.180
I mean, the whole country's going this way, so, I don't know.
00:11:07.640
You know, people were different before, we all had our differences, but, like, everybody got along, you made it work.
00:11:14.240
I mean, there was, but it wasn't, like, everything, because people let all their bullshit out online, and then you don't see people face to face as much, and I think people are just separating more.
00:11:25.180
Yeah, yeah, I think, I started feeling recently, like, you know, especially during, like, a lot of the, I guess, election stuff, and then especially during, like, when BLM really went on.
00:11:38.700
Because I used to feel like we're all on the same team, we're all trying to do our best, and everybody, you know, this is what we're doing.
00:11:46.780
This is, like, America, and it's just, like, how we're, you know, we're trying our best.
00:11:50.320
And then I felt like, everything felt like, some of the BLM stuff to me almost felt like supremacy, like, it wasn't, like, about everybody anymore.
00:12:03.400
Like, it wasn't, and it wasn't even just about black people.
00:12:05.880
It was just, like, people wanted to exercise, like, victimhood.
00:12:12.180
Maybe some victimhood, but it was just, like, I don't know, everything started really fragmenting then.
00:12:18.700
Like, for me, I thought, oh, we're all on the same team, and then it was now, like, oh, well, just, it's just about these, this group, and this group.
00:12:26.360
And for me, I think maybe for some people, it had never been that Black Lives Mattered or that, but for me, I think it always had been.
00:12:33.160
So, to me, I was just, like, and in some points, and this is just me as a white person, right?
00:12:39.720
It almost felt like, um, not an attack on me, but it felt like, it didn't feel like there was a safe place for you to go if you were somebody who's, like, well, I've always respected everybody.
00:12:52.360
Like, why do I have to behave any, why do I have to, like, show a certain, be a certain way now or something?
00:12:59.320
Yeah, I've never, we grew up in Louisiana, you know, it was just, it was mixed.
00:13:04.680
It was mixed, everywhere was mixed, and it, I never even, it never came across my mind that black people didn't matter.
00:13:10.460
So, when everybody's like, they matter, you're like, yeah, I know, and then they get mad at you for not doing a bunch of shit, you're like, but I've been a good guy the whole time.
00:13:18.280
There was no card to show that you've been a good guy, and there was nobody that seemed like they wanted to believe that you'd been a good guy the whole time.
00:13:31.160
You know, this white lady's like, hey, you're not doing enough, and where's your black square?
00:13:42.600
They got some internal stuff, and they want to take it out on you, I think.
00:13:46.140
Yeah, yeah, well, I think, I don't know, it's just interesting, because at the same time, we've all been really separated.
00:13:56.840
Like, podcasting has become, like, so grateful, I'm sure, that you have Tuesdays with stories, and just, like, that everybody has their own cast.
00:14:05.640
It's like, at least you have your own kind of channel now.
00:14:11.440
Yeah, it does feel like that a little bit, I guess.
00:14:17.180
The internet is big and vast, and it's got room for everybody.
00:14:20.200
But when people start attacking people, that's what bugs me.
00:14:24.800
You know, like, you can have your thing, and Theo can have his thing, but when people come at your thing, I'm like, why, what do we do with this enough for everybody?
00:14:42.600
Some people are great at thinking and talking at the same time.
00:14:45.680
When I meet somebody like that, like, if I watch, like, a Ben Shapiro or, like, a Jordan Peterson, somebody whose brain, like, it's almost like their mouth is, like, a little before their brain.
00:15:09.040
You know, I'll just keep talking, and maybe it'll pop in.
00:15:17.820
Theo, Mark, I know you guys have similar backgrounds, both Louisiana boys, and both grew up in primarily black neighborhoods.
00:15:30.980
Just curious, what was the best part about being one of the only white kids in a black neighborhood?
00:15:46.280
Well, we had orange slices and, you know, healthy shit.
00:15:51.760
But do you think that came from being in a black neighborhood?
00:15:55.380
Well, just in comparison, I'd go to my friend Eddie's house, and it was just, like, shit I'd never seen before.
00:16:07.660
Yeah, you know, gizzards or whatever the fuck that is.
00:16:10.820
But no, but I'm saying, what, like, I think his question is, like, what do you think was, what was it, what was interesting about it?
00:16:19.120
He said what was one of the perks of being one of the white kids?
00:16:32.520
So, yeah, you got to show kids how to skateboard.
00:16:41.520
This black kid would come over and play on our Nintendo.
00:16:46.500
And me and my brother were, like, in awe of this kid.
00:16:48.920
He would just go to town on that Nintendo with Mario.
00:16:53.900
Remember when you had to jump on the flagpole at the end of Mario and slide up?
00:17:01.960
I think they have extra muscles in their fingers.
00:17:06.000
Did you hear that growing up in Louisiana that black people have extra muscles in their body?
00:17:14.540
I mean, you try to play soccer with this one guy in my neighborhood.
00:17:32.720
Some of the highlights I remember were that other white kids at school, you knew some black kids.
00:17:38.640
So it was like you had a little bit more like my white friends didn't really know the black kids.
00:17:48.240
At least you got a little bit of like more respect if you were like talking to the black kids.
00:17:55.560
You could have a little bit more room with the black kids.
00:18:07.340
You had it was good to be dip your toe in both pools.
00:18:10.380
You know, you knew a little a little of both both cultures.
00:18:14.440
I'm trying to think of what other highlights were.
00:18:21.540
You got to try a little bit more humor on a crowd that you knew was a little bit.
00:18:30.920
I mean, sometimes you got to even you didn't get to say the end where I don't remember what the rules were back then.
00:18:45.740
God, I remember going home and telling my mom, man.
00:18:52.320
And also, it's weird because we use the term minority a lot for certain groups.
00:18:56.220
But like in my neighborhood, I was the minority.
00:19:03.940
You were like, you know, you ever do an all black show and you're the white guy?
00:19:10.300
And they would let me pop in this in this group.
00:19:18.380
It's a different ball game because I feel like they're more real and they they kind
00:19:25.180
If you bombing, they're they're fine with letting you bomb.
00:19:28.400
And if you kill, they will let you know you're killing.
00:19:37.720
Yeah, it's very a game of Jerome's kind of, you know, that's a weird statement, really.
00:19:47.440
It's a Coliseum like very Coliseum because if not in black people are always eating at
00:20:02.500
And, you know, some woman two spooning through some fucking through a damn half a dove or
00:20:08.200
You know, you're like, you don't even have a knife.
00:20:19.840
I think I don't know if there's anything tougher probably than doing.
00:20:28.700
It definitely if you had some luck with it, then you'd be fired up.
00:20:36.380
But it's easy to kill if you play up the white guy.
00:20:39.880
I remember one time I did one in Harlem and they played some rap song to bring me out.
00:20:48.460
And I remember going back and I'm like, I'm not going to do the white thing.
00:20:53.340
I remember I got up one time and even just said, what's up?
00:21:09.400
It's like, that's one thing about comedy, though.
00:21:11.780
It's like there's times where it's like if you.
00:21:24.280
It's almost like Satan lit a little fuse in the distance.
00:21:31.880
And that would happen every now and then because hitting on a girl is so scary.
00:21:37.260
But in the single days, every now and then you get that devil's spark right in the taint.
00:21:50.300
Every now and then you get that little twinkle of jizz in your eye.
00:21:58.880
And that was also before like a Hinchcliffe day.
00:22:02.060
So you saying that was like a magic thing in the moment.
00:22:15.780
The moment is to be something that is to be either monetized later or judged later.
00:22:25.540
Or the moment is, the moment doesn't exist really.
00:22:33.960
It was a weird spark in the air between you and this group at that time.
00:22:41.140
And that's really what comedy was kind of like.
00:22:44.240
Bill Burr talked about he went to that Chappelle compound and he said, all the phones are locked
00:22:51.560
And he forgot like, oh, this is what it used to be.
00:22:54.940
You know, like how much standup has changed and how it's all video and Daniel Tosh makes
00:22:59.120
It's on the news, you know, and that's not supposed to be it.
00:23:02.120
It's supposed to be in a basement and just right here, right now.
00:23:05.700
Dude, I remember John Mayer one time who, who's so talented.
00:23:13.680
He like, he's like, his brain is like a brain I'm way jealous of.
00:23:17.500
He just has that like, I mean, it's like, he just has a, just a gifted, he's gifted in
00:23:24.680
that fricking top sack, you know what I'm saying?
00:23:27.400
But he, um, he got on stage one night at the comedy store, right?
00:23:37.620
You got to hear him think like kind of see how he thinks a little.
00:23:41.220
And then I want to say it was a few days later.
00:23:47.920
He goes, it's interesting because I can talk about things tonight, but it's, but I can't
00:23:53.460
He's like, cause I make a joke tonight, something in this moment, three days from now, I'm having
00:23:58.880
a sandwich with my mom somewhere, two weeks from now, um, sitting down to dinner with a
00:24:03.520
friend and this is going to pop up on something's going to pop up on TMZ and they're going to
00:24:09.600
And it's going to ruin that moment for me completely.
00:24:12.680
Um, and I just felt, I just remembered, I remembered also just thinking what it was like
00:24:17.000
if you were already so famous in one thing that you couldn't even try something else.
00:24:21.160
And the crazy thing is everybody loves the moment.
00:24:24.460
Everybody wants the moment, but a couple of queefs have to ruin it for everything.
00:24:57.720
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You want him looking shorn for the Lord, don't you?
00:27:59.020
It's interesting to think about because I never really squared it down to that's what it is.
00:28:03.300
That's what's not, it's just not, man, I can't understand what I'm trying to say.
00:28:16.400
I think that's why these YouTube videos, these YouTube specials are so cool because it feels
00:28:20.420
kind of like real, I know you're doing a Netflix, congrats.
00:28:24.220
Well, I'm envious though, honestly, because you're YouTube.
00:28:27.260
I was talking to your agent a couple of weeks ago, actually.
00:28:30.080
Yeah, and he loves you absolutely, and he should, but the one thing we were talking about was
00:28:35.740
he mentioned that, he said, well, you know what's really happening right now is Mark Norman's
00:28:42.100
special is really popping, and I think that was a, he'd never used that word before, and
00:28:47.200
I could tell when he said it, okay, but anyway, he said, no, he was just really like, you know,
00:28:55.240
I mean, I even noticed you're adding, you're adding afternoon shows now.
00:29:00.420
Do you feel like this is something that has, this has been like a real mover of the sticks
00:29:10.860
I mean, I couldn't get a thing cooking, nobody would have me, and then I put that out and
00:29:14.420
it did well, and people were like, oh, who's this guy?
00:29:18.520
That's the special I tried to give you, HBO or Oxygen or whoever.
00:29:23.200
Whatever, and they all said, no dice, dickless, and then you put it on YouTube and they're
00:29:31.580
Have they been actually, well, I guess it's already out, but has there been?
00:29:34.740
Now there's talk of like, what's the next thing?
00:29:38.420
Some people have just proved themselves where other people just get shit.
00:29:46.680
But it's obviously, it's written down somewhere.
00:29:50.980
It's like, but then also, it's like, I used to think that way, man.
00:29:55.720
And I think sometimes I still probably do, but then it's like, I noticed I used to want
00:30:10.720
You're like going first on a show that Bill Burr is supposed to pop in at.
00:30:24.180
You know, like you're up there just like, you're quoting La Bamba.
00:30:30.320
And then it all happens when it's kind of supposed to happen, I think.
00:30:34.720
And that's the, everybody goes, what advice do you have to young comics?
00:30:43.360
Because you think you're there, but you're not there.
00:30:45.020
It's like when the fat guy goes, I should be fucking Heidi Klum.
00:30:54.540
You got to really, you got to change that shirt.
00:31:02.260
I mean, I know it's, I know it's been kind of happening, but like, has it been like, like,
00:31:06.880
What has been some things that have been different?
00:31:08.720
Well, the social media goes up and then people, it's almost like high school where you, no
00:31:14.460
Then you get a cool car and they're kind of like, hey, well, come eat lunch with us there.
00:31:21.080
But you got to, that's what's cool about standup or any art form, I guess, is you got
00:31:27.900
You know, you can't just join the cool kid table and then just not change.
00:31:38.000
Like, good quality stuff wins instead of just being the hot guy, the popular guy.
00:31:45.060
It's actually, you know, like sports are a meritocracy.
00:31:47.820
The guy who made the most touchdowns, they win.
00:31:52.140
Yeah, I remember being real jealous or like when I was doing comedy earlier of certain
00:31:57.920
guys and be like, man, they, and then it's like, now it's like, I'm grateful to be where
00:32:07.360
True Hollywood, MTV Unplugged, where they go, I'm a millionaire, I live in a mansion,
00:32:11.960
I'm banging a supermodel, my kid is in the honor roll, and they're still miserable.
00:32:17.520
So you got to, everything, the fact that I sold out these shows and I'm adding shows,
00:32:21.580
I'm like, oh my God, I'm happy here for the rest of my life.
00:32:30.440
I mean, you've always been like the funniest guy.
00:32:40.180
Some of the guys I never want to follow, I'll name them.
00:32:42.420
Andrew Schultz, the first time I saw him, I was like, I never want to follow that guy.
00:32:50.360
He's on the stool and they're just sitting on every word he's saying.
00:32:55.380
This was like when he was, this was before he broke, you know, before he was like getting
00:33:04.580
And Chris D'Elia was really, really hard to follow.
00:33:14.420
And also, it's just, it's different, like, how it flows, kind of.
00:33:18.560
So, have you set your YouTube into clips as well?
00:33:33.660
You want to take the day off, but put something else up.
00:33:51.700
But, so, let's say you have, I think, are you getting close to $10 million on there?
00:33:58.500
What do you make on $10 million views, do you think?
00:34:01.440
Well, accumulated, you get a check every month.
00:34:04.000
So, depending on the month, it might be $1,000, it might be $3,000.
00:34:07.400
So, I've already made, because Comedy Central wouldn't take it, and they pay $30,000.
00:34:24.940
She used to always say, since we're both right here, right now, you could give Comedy Central
00:34:34.220
I think she stiffed them for the last year of her show, I think.
00:34:37.220
I think she was probably supposed to be in a show.
00:34:41.700
Dude, she's got some frickin' hard balls on the top, too.
00:34:47.160
I mean, I don't know about that, but I mean, I definitely, we, I, you know, I have, I knew
00:34:56.000
She's a good, we got a real beetle crawling on the ceiling here.
00:35:01.980
Yeah, maybe get it with your phone at least, Spence, or what I have, but just get it from
00:35:05.820
I want to be honest about everything that happens in here.
00:35:11.160
You got a, and you got the impeachment curtain behind you.
00:35:19.300
Oh, this is definitely, like, if they had a Civil War draft room.
00:35:23.960
Like, if Norv Turner were frickin' picking infantrymen, this would be it, though.
00:35:28.960
Like, if Frederick Douglass was putting together his fantasy team.
00:35:32.980
Dude, I used to have these dreams that I was doing, uh, Undercover Boss, right?
00:35:44.760
I'd be like, hey, what do we, do we have to work today, guys?
00:35:48.320
And somebody would be like, no, and I'd, like, write it down.
00:35:51.700
Like, I just remember having these crazy dreams.
00:36:08.840
I mean, we could go out there and shit in a hole and peel potatoes and do some push-ups,
00:36:13.840
but in those trenches with a machine gun, bullets whizzin'.
00:36:21.300
Yeah, you know what's left a lot of our, what's left us has really been a lot of that toughness.
00:36:31.700
You might go off to Germany and die and never come back.
00:36:39.220
The fucking, the bombs with Russia, with the alarms going off.
00:36:43.200
You had to get under your desk, and now we're worried about Latinx, you know?
00:36:49.140
We gotta focus on, what's that pronoun, you know?
00:36:54.420
Oh, somebody dropped a her over there, I heard.
00:37:00.500
Yeah, I think I miss, like, it just used to be different.
00:37:04.500
And I don't know if, I don't know, I just don't even, you almost feel like such a pawn
00:37:17.300
Just a pawn, not even, and just in, like, a lot of it is just electronica.
00:37:22.240
Just how much it's like, you know, people are like, I don't want to be tracked, you
00:37:28.240
But then, like, they'll be at the CVS and enter their phone number to get, like, 6%.
00:38:00.040
This is, like, I think where a lot of people, you either go in this way or you owe in Benjamin.
00:38:07.520
You know, it's like, who has a new documentary out, too.
00:38:16.900
He sent me a link, you know, and I literally watched 40 minutes of it.
00:38:25.180
I mean, we got Squid Game to get after, you know?
00:38:42.580
I don't want to get all conspiracy Alex Jones QE on you, but.
00:39:13.980
So we talk about how we care about mental health.
00:39:16.760
But if the corporations are making money, I think that'll just win.
00:39:22.400
No one will care about the kids killing themselves if the corporations are still thriving.
00:39:33.200
It used to feel like being human meant a little more, I think.
00:40:00.760
Oh, if they do sex, man, then this is going to be pretty good.
00:40:08.380
I mean, yeah, we don't have it on tape, but I'll get it.
00:40:20.560
We got to get a release for them if they're going to fuck.
00:40:29.940
Somebody caught that fentanyl and just hit the road, Jack, huh?
00:40:33.580
Well, if it is fentanyl, then you don't have to worry about the exterminator because they'll
00:40:43.360
It's just everything feels tainted a little bit.
00:40:49.380
Do you really feel like, sometimes I can't feel, it's like, am I just alone in feeling
00:40:55.240
I think we do because we're a little older now.
00:40:58.500
And I think young people just grew up with this shit and it's normal, but I saw a day
00:41:09.200
But then I think, do I sound like the old guy who's like, oh, you're out of touch, man?
00:41:13.760
I'm like, maybe I am out of touch, but I don't know.
00:41:23.400
I can see anal gaping and I can buy socks in one sitting.
00:41:32.660
It's too, there's no, the imagination, I don't know, my imagination barely even works
00:41:49.940
Dude, I remember getting a set of pens, like colorful pens one time for Christmas or something.
00:41:57.460
And dude, somebody give me a little, this dude, Nicky, at our school would draw a piece
00:42:14.740
Bro, he had the frickin', I mean, you had the frickin'
00:42:25.780
So, there was a lot of good stuff going on in there.
00:42:34.300
And I remember getting my own set of pens and duplicating his thing one time.
00:42:40.420
But that, yeah, you just used to have your imagination.
00:42:42.680
I remember, like, drawing tits on a pillow and just calling it Katie, you know?
00:42:58.600
But remember, even in a car ride, you'd play 20 Questions or Punch Buggy.
00:43:04.520
And now you don't have to make fun, because everybody's just on their phone.
00:43:06.720
Man, everybody's on their phone just doing the same things.
00:43:11.660
It's all just whatever someone who owns whatever the little template is.
00:43:18.240
It just, there's no, there's not a lot of even diversity of thoughts.
00:43:22.340
Like, everybody's getting these ads for Untuck It shirts.
00:43:28.280
Everybody's girlfriend will get them one for Christmas and think it's cute.
00:43:32.160
But I do wonder, is that just getting older and that every generation thinks that?
00:43:38.540
These kids with their Beatles music and all that, and their televisions and their eight
00:43:50.500
And if you are, like, 18 or something, you don't know it's a problem anyway.
00:43:58.840
We need to get, like, a little tween in here and ask him.
00:44:01.660
Well, Trevor Wallace is a, he's a, he's mid-20s.
00:44:10.400
But he, oh, you take him to, you take him to a gay area where the men with money, bidding
00:44:42.100
One night, he was talking and he said, dude, he's like, movies, man, like, they're so long.
00:44:50.460
And he's like, bro, me and my friends, we can't sit through a movie.
00:44:58.020
But when it rained outside, you popped that VHS in, you watched Roger Rabbit, and you loved
00:45:06.700
And it was like, maybe the phone would ring once.
00:45:17.600
I'll try to show my girl, she's younger than me.
00:45:21.600
Is it hard, though, to not make mistakes and say things that make you sound old?
00:45:33.180
She's like, this is the most boring thing I've ever seen.
00:45:41.260
She's watching TikTok, and then she'll wait for something to happen in Jaws.
00:45:45.480
And then she'll go back to TikTok when they're just swimming on the beach.
00:45:55.380
If you'd go on a date with a younger girl, I went on a date, and she said, well, what music?
00:46:02.460
And I used Apple Music, and she's like, how old are you?
00:46:25.940
I haven't said that word in 25 years, by the way.
00:46:28.420
That came right out of my asshole with cobwebs on it.
00:46:38.620
It was green, and it came with all kinds of viruses.
00:47:13.780
I wonder what ever happened to the Napster guy.
00:47:24.100
I remember watching, looking at porn, and my friend was like, we should print it out.
00:47:28.540
So he used all his dad's printer ink, and he was going, ree, ree, ree.
00:47:32.200
And then we'd print it out, and we'd have to peel that bullshit holes off the side, you
00:47:38.500
And I would keep it in my pocket, and I remember mowing the lawn at my grandmother's house.
00:47:49.060
Do you notice your ego changing any as you get a little bit more kind of like, do you?
00:47:55.100
Ego is like a thing that happens without our even.
00:47:58.380
It's this crazy monkey that lives inside of you.
00:48:03.800
Do you have any kind of moments where you start to notice your own behavior is changing
00:48:09.700
I think with some comics, like the guy inside you, the little gnome that lives inside you,
00:48:15.000
he's such a loser and an insecure dweeb that I'll never be able to be, you know, like
00:48:22.040
Chappelle, you can tell he kind of knows he's hot shit.
00:48:25.300
And I think what changed for me is the comfort.
00:48:27.940
You know, you go, hey, I flew this level, Delta Comfort.
00:48:35.560
This might have been an L.A. thing, but you do the road, you're killing in some club,
00:48:39.680
you're sold out, all your people are there, gang, gang, they love you.
00:48:42.980
And then you go to some club to do 10 minutes in L.A. or here, and they're kind of like,
00:48:58.000
That's one good thing about comedy is that there's with the fact that you have to keep
00:49:01.660
practicing that there's those checks, you know?
00:49:05.660
Some things do get a little more comfortable, but I do think you deserve it as a comedian.
00:49:09.860
Like being able to fly first class or something, it's like at a certain point, it's just like
00:49:14.600
or flying the same airlines, you're able to get the miles and do it that way.
00:49:19.720
That's one thing Bert Kreischer told me a long time ago.
00:49:25.200
I know, but I'm such a cum guzzler that I'm like, well, the spirit's 11 cents cheaper,
00:49:41.100
It's a black girl that wants to be, it's a white girl that wants to be black that also
00:49:50.820
I saw two dogs fight on a spirit airline one time.
00:49:53.800
And I heard the beef in the line when they were doing the check-in ticketing.
00:49:58.100
You could see little, they, you know, you could see them beefing a little, and then they
00:50:02.680
I, and they were video, I almost think they did it for like a TikTok.
00:50:09.900
But that's, that just shows that service dogs are bullshit.
00:50:13.240
There's supposed to be like anxiety and all this, but like, we got two of them fighting.
00:50:18.980
Oh yeah, this one was definitely, one of them was really white, kind of like lean,
00:50:44.440
What do you know about this Patty, Patty Pemberton?
00:50:50.340
He's like, if any of the Beatles looked good, it would be him.
00:51:11.840
He looks like, if you look at that one picture next to Bisping and on the third row, the third
00:51:20.040
Who fucking is finally getting revenge for all the people that's hugging him and pissing
00:51:25.620
Oh, I know I pissed on mine and the wrestling buddies.
00:51:29.740
See, this shows that like confidence and beings like just self-assured goes a long way.
00:51:46.660
It's that whole thing of like, if I can be confident enough and just say, fuck you,
00:52:02.440
Like Ted Bundy, they say he was so handsome, so confident.
00:52:06.100
He was picking up all these gals in the seventies.
00:52:16.500
But you wouldn't think that a murderer would be doing card tricks, I feel like.
00:52:19.780
It seems like the total, I'm sure like other murderers, like, oh, look at this pussy.
00:52:32.320
I think though, I think women will not admit it, but they're turned on by magicians.
00:52:38.260
They won't admit it, but I think ladies are like, oh, that David Blaine, I'll tell you.
00:52:48.520
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00:55:54.340
I think that falls in with the thing that women wants to be murdered, really.
00:56:02.500
My lady loves all that murder, like fake, you know, hold you down and put a ski mask on and all that shit.
00:56:12.000
Brian Laundrie, all that stuff with that man they're looking for.
00:56:14.720
Everybody, all these chicks want to bang that guy.
00:56:24.280
Do you think that, and also we're not going to have any good murderers anymore.
00:56:30.400
That's, I mean, there's just too much digital footprint.
00:56:34.940
I just can't believe Laundrie's still on the lam, even with Dog the N-word bounty hunter on his tail.
00:56:44.860
Well, I think if you've gone that long, I feel like you keep riding it out because you've already, you've already killed.
00:56:56.680
Like, I think at that point, if you haven't turned yourself in or taken your life after a couple weeks, I feel like you've gotten into that you're in Vandersloot kind of vibe where you're like, what can I do?
00:57:21.400
It's dark, but if you imagine waking up in the morning and you are somebody that is untraceable.
00:57:37.000
I feel like at least you're like, you're not on your phone.
00:57:41.040
You're at least spending time like out in nature probably.
00:57:44.000
I feel like you're doing the things that a lot of us need to do.
00:57:45.780
If he didn't do the murder, I would say he could be like a homeopath or something.
00:57:57.580
Yeah, he's probably sitting in a bar somewhere in Oklahoma with a mustache and shades on,
00:58:02.800
drinking a beer and going, oh, shit, I'm on the news.
00:58:05.780
You know, and I bet he's milking it like, how about this fucking psycho, huh?
00:58:09.500
And the guy next to him is like, I know, right?
00:58:25.340
But to be able to one night come down from the hills and frickin' let it loose.
00:58:44.540
What's something else that popped in here, Spence?
00:58:51.680
Wouldn't it be great if laundry just popped up?
00:58:59.260
I am just sitting outside listening to the rain because I work from home now, and that's
00:59:09.100
I was just watching the Chrissy Chaos episode that you were on about five or six months ago,
00:59:15.200
and you were talking about your Seinfeld story, how you were opening up for him, and then
00:59:21.860
COVID hit, and I was just curious what the status of y'all's current relationship is.
00:59:26.500
Have you heard from him in the last five or six months?
00:59:28.680
Are you going to be working with him again in the future?
00:59:49.220
But either way, the Seinfeld thing is crazy because I was a huge fan.
00:59:56.360
I watched it with my parents growing up, and then now to have his phone number is bananas.
01:00:10.040
And COVID hit, so then everything got weird, and then I kept trying to text him.
01:00:15.380
It's like a girl you fucked once that you're in love with.
01:00:18.300
The relationship was just kind of distancing, but you try to keep it going with a text, but
01:00:24.500
But I'll text him every now and then, and he'll get back to me, so I'll take it.
01:00:29.820
I text him about Norm dying, and he had some cool shit to say.
01:00:34.120
So, I hate to say it, but sometimes an event happens like that, and you're like, oh, this
01:00:44.520
Yeah, it's interesting how if you get somebody's number that's a celebrity or that's popular
01:00:52.460
And then you also start to recognize how their lives are so busy that they just, it's not
01:00:59.760
The friendship just picks back up kind of when you see each other again.
01:01:02.940
There's just not as much downtime to communicate.
01:01:07.040
There's just not as much free time as when you were just chilling, and you were fucking
01:01:12.780
Yeah, yeah, and he's a little older, so he's not part of that text generator.
01:01:16.020
Like, we'll just text back and forth, and he's, I think he takes a while to get back
01:01:23.980
So, I'm just happy, because you know how much power I have?
01:01:31.240
I mean, I could do so many bad things, so I'm really trying to be a good little boy with
01:01:39.160
And sometimes you, like, have all the numbers, and then you get drunk and lose one.
01:01:49.100
I texted him once, drunk, and I never did it again, because his reaction was kind of
01:01:59.580
You know, you talk to him, and you're like, oh, you're just a dude.
01:02:02.680
And we put him up on this weird pedestal, but he's just like us.
01:02:10.140
I mean, I think at a certain level of, I think, have you noticed anything different about
01:02:16.140
Have you started to think anything differently, or do you notice anything different?
01:02:19.700
I grew up so kind of poor that it's kind of baked into me, but I'm trying to enjoy the
01:02:29.560
Maybe an extra, you know, thing of socks or something.
01:02:33.900
Are you guys, like, is there something nice you're going to do that you kind of are doing?
01:02:37.380
Yeah, me and the lady will go on trips, which I never did.
01:02:42.760
But she's like, no, we should go, and I need her.
01:02:45.660
It's kind of a yin and yang, a little Andrew Yang, and we can go do shit, because she'll
01:02:51.660
And I need that, because it's all coupons in here.
01:03:03.420
But I'm noticing, I go to your house, or Nate's house, or Tim Dillon's house, or something
01:03:09.660
like that, and you're like, all right, all right, I got to start enjoying my shit.
01:03:14.340
Well, also, I live in a place where houses are affordable.
01:03:16.580
You know, you could, it's like, Nate and I live in a place where houses, you know, if
01:03:21.180
you go to my apartment in LA, it's as big as this, you know, two of these rooms.
01:03:26.000
So, it's always interesting for me, because I go from having a house here, which is, it's
01:03:29.580
a nice home, to going back to my apartment, which is just totally, it's a nice home,
01:03:34.480
You know, it's a, it's a beautiful apartment, but it's like, it's funny, because I'll kind
01:03:39.860
of, it's funny, because I almost sometimes fit easier into that.
01:03:43.860
I hate being in a place where those, I feel like extra space, I can't use it all.
01:03:48.320
Dude, I remember the first nights I ever stayed at, like, an expensive hotel room,
01:03:55.380
Dude, I was like, if I go to bed, I'm wasting the money.
01:04:00.060
It's like in Castaway, where he's laying on the couch, and he keeps flicking the light
01:04:03.520
You don't know what to do with all this technology in this space.
01:04:08.840
I was like, at least I might as well stay awake and get the money's worth, right?
01:04:12.200
I'm fucking exhausted the next day, but like, feeling like I fucking got my value.
01:04:19.440
Everybody thinks, I'll buy a Lamborghini, and I'll buy a mansion, and I'll buy an Escort
01:04:24.900
The money is good for little things that, like, okay, let's say you go to the airport,
01:04:30.980
and your flight's delayed, and you're like, ah, shit, I'm just sitting here for like another
01:04:35.140
Then you can go to the sit-down place at the airport, the restaurant, and actually enjoy
01:04:43.760
Little things, we can just like, oh, I'll just buy this and not think about it.
01:04:51.640
That's a great point, because I don't think I'd ever get myself anything fancy.
01:05:06.460
But then the problem is, we might have kids that end up having money, dude, and then I'm
01:05:18.840
Sometimes there's somebody that breaks the norm.
01:05:24.660
It still is kind of like, some people will be like, well, you make some money now.
01:05:37.820
He's going to start throwing money at people and shit.
01:05:41.580
Like, my dad has liver spots on his arms, okay?
01:05:44.840
So, he ain't bailing anybody out of anything, dude.
01:05:49.300
And he fucking is the one that drove me over here, so.
01:05:54.920
You know, the blazer and the pants don't match.
01:05:56.680
It's just like dark blue and then like a gray up top.
01:06:09.640
I guess he would drive home and just kind of crash his car.
01:06:12.060
We had like this kind of like really like slow, like the gradient was real.
01:06:18.400
It was a real like not a heavy gradient getting into the bottom of this ditch.
01:06:21.980
So, he would just kind of ease his car right into the bottom of it.
01:06:25.460
He'd just kind of fucking just finish out the night.
01:06:53.720
We got, of course, you just drink all day on a tube.
01:07:04.600
And you remember you go on a school bus and they give you the tube.
01:07:21.680
And so then we got way too drunk and she had her mom's car and we were driving back
01:07:27.720
and we had a friend in the back seat and he was like, gun it, gun it.
01:07:32.200
And then a turn came up out of nowhere and she turned the wheel and we flipped into a ditch.
01:07:38.360
You know, we're upside down where you unbuckle the seatbelt and you fall.
01:07:43.560
And it's dark out and it's in the middle of the woods.
01:07:47.440
They had to get a tow truck to get the car out.
01:07:53.420
Like it was fit in there like a cookie and a cookie pin.
01:07:57.900
And so the cop came and I remember she was in a bathing suit still and she was a hot 16-year-old
01:08:04.240
and her boob was out and her boob was out and you could tell all these fat, you know, Louisiana
01:08:08.880
cops like, oh, I guarantee and they're fucking wiping their brow.
01:08:13.400
They're trying not to, but it was a full nip and she was crying and they're like, they're all hard.
01:08:20.700
Yeah, they're loving it and they're like, oh, Willie Ray, get over here, get her information.
01:08:31.320
But those were young days when you were 16 and everything just kind of fell into place.
01:08:37.580
Yeah, there was something about the pressurelessness of that time.
01:08:41.100
And I think it was just, I don't know if that was society.
01:08:46.740
It was like, now I think kids are still just kids.
01:08:50.300
Like the phones and stuff is just part of their thing.
01:08:56.040
Everybody's all, you know, wokey and annoying and all that.
01:09:03.280
And of course, they're going to go the other way.
01:09:04.920
So I think they're going to rebel against that and start saying horrible things again.
01:09:22.440
Did you see the guy outside of the Sonic the other day?
01:09:25.200
The woman or the man who was saying, they were calling me sir inside.
01:09:52.840
But your entire staff has been calling me sir the entire time.
01:10:27.020
This person is just fishing for this guy to fuck.
01:10:37.780
If they call you a sir, I don't know what they did then.
01:10:40.500
Because they saw the name on my credit card and they were being, they were not being nice
01:10:45.880
Well, I mean, they saw your name on the credit card.
01:10:54.220
There could be someone in the back that they don't see.
01:11:01.420
Can you tell me what your location has done to be transcompetent?
01:11:06.980
Well, it's just tough because you're, okay, they made a mistake and what's, should he
01:11:22.240
But, like, yeah, they fucked up and it's over now.
01:11:27.860
He goes on to apologize literally 18 more times.
01:11:33.080
Like, it just, like, it's become this game of, like, how do I catch someone to feel that?
01:11:42.520
That's the sick game, I think, that I don't understand that much.
01:11:45.900
Like, this internet game of, like, who do I, how can I catch, like, you know, who do I
01:11:53.560
Or, like, how can I go back in your time in your life and see if you wrote down the N-word
01:12:04.380
Now, if you're not perfect, we'll figure it out and ruin your life.
01:12:08.300
And it's weird because, like, if you say, like, retard or something, they'll come after
01:12:12.360
you and they go, that's, where's your compassion?
01:12:24.520
If you want compassion, you gotta be compassionate, too.
01:12:26.520
And it's just, I'm not yelling it at a retarded person.
01:12:40.600
You know, even his, both of his wives had left him, okay, for reasons they didn't want
01:12:57.300
And I think eventually things will flip where people will turn on that person.
01:13:04.380
Yeah, I think enough so where there's just like, I also think that whole thing is losing
01:13:15.380
But the scary part is when the platforms that own our ability to communicate, that's when
01:13:21.600
Yeah, that's when it's going back to corporations.
01:13:25.020
People are like, this person's the president, this person's the president.
01:13:40.620
Does money, it almost doesn't even seem real anymore sometimes.
01:13:44.260
No, money is completely just in, up in the air, poof.
01:13:49.580
You don't see, you used to go, here, here's 20 bucks.
01:13:57.620
You're like, what do you mean you sent me money?
01:14:07.400
You felt the money, and you felt some, like there was a thing, like I did something, look
01:14:13.200
Now you can't, it's just, you can't even show it, nobody cares, there's no-
01:14:16.820
No, and that doesn't work at a strip club, what am I going to Venmo this skank?
01:14:24.680
And you were halfway into the panties when you put that thing in there.
01:14:32.760
Do you, has it been tough for you to like, since your hour would tap, did you wait
01:14:39.960
Well, I was writing a lot while having that hour, because I was, it was getting embarrassing.
01:14:46.020
Like, I did that hour for years, and I would go to clubs, and they'd go, hey, I like you,
01:14:49.560
man, but I came out last year and did the same shit, and I was like, yeah, you're right.
01:14:55.100
I try to be prolific, but I was really trying to hammer that hour, and just really perfect
01:15:00.420
So, once I heard one guy say that, it blew my mind, and I changed immediately, and just was
01:15:06.140
But now I have like a new 45 that's not on anything, and it's cooking.
01:15:12.900
But you always got to have that new stuff kind of on the back burner.
01:15:16.560
Because when you put, you're putting out a thing.
01:15:21.680
I got about, yeah, I'm doing it in like 50 minutes right now, which is about the amount
01:15:37.960
If the vibe of the show is going great, then it's great.
01:15:41.200
If the vibe's not, then I got to grab some old stuff and kind of put it in.
01:15:48.740
And I'm just waiting for like moments that happen where I'm like, oh, I found this is
01:15:56.000
Let's get this question right here that came in from Jack Harlow.
01:16:10.480
So there was this HBO show called Talking Funny.
01:16:13.940
With Ricky Gervais, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Louis C.K., where they sat down for like
01:16:21.080
And part of that, they were talking about their different methods for building an hour
01:16:24.840
for their act or whether maybe it's going to become a special or whatever.
01:16:29.840
And Jerry Seinfeld took the approach of like, you take about 20%, remove it, and cycle in
01:16:36.740
And so over time, your act is this like ever evolving piece.
01:16:41.100
I got to see Mark a couple of months ago, and I kind of noticed something similar with
01:16:45.520
his material, where it's like, there's definitely like staple jokes of yours.
01:16:55.540
I was curious, is that something that you picked up from Seinfeld?
01:16:57.720
That kind of method of removing a little bit of the old to push in the new?
01:17:02.320
Or, you know, what's your general method for building an hour?
01:17:10.960
Thank you, Tyler, for the question, man, and for paying attention to the show.
01:17:14.840
Well, first of all, I can't believe anybody cares about stand-up who doesn't do it, which
01:17:18.360
is, I always assume when we go in to stand-up, people get bored.
01:17:23.220
This guy's, you know, at Comic-Con, apparently.
01:17:33.960
It's like, oh, I'll do the plant joke, and then I'll do the car joke, and these murder
01:17:39.420
So you kind of pepper those in like M&Ms in trail mix, like, oh, this is the good stuff.
01:17:45.240
And then you try your new, and you've got your half-baked idea.
01:17:49.740
And then when you start losing them, hit them with another M&M.
01:17:56.580
Eventually, in natural progression, it will, the new stuff will grow and be great, and then
01:18:10.000
It takes a while, and I think that's one thing that's scary about putting stuff out.
01:18:13.500
I think, like, I got this special coming out in, I think, a week and a half or something.
01:18:17.800
But I'm also, sometimes I wish, like, man, I think the true value would have been in not
01:18:22.040
putting it out at all and just touring forever, just touring, not just with that material,
01:18:26.960
change my material, but not having, like, these definitive moments where I have to change
01:18:33.680
He never put an album out, because he was like, I want to keep this.
01:18:37.260
Which, I don't know, maybe there's good and bads to both.
01:18:41.180
Like, if you put this out, it'll force you to write new shit, which is going to suck.
01:18:46.260
But if you don't put it out, you can just kind of do it forever, and there's no, sometimes
01:18:54.800
I think we can get lazy if we would get lazy, because we knew we were capable of making things
01:19:00.900
That book report, man, you would wing that fucking thing.
01:19:05.220
I remember one time, it was about, I don't even know what it was about, but I remember
01:19:08.620
taking a bunch of stuff out of our kitchen and putting it in a bowl, and then putting
01:19:11.560
like this, like, something on top of it, and you had to put your hand in there and reach
01:19:15.480
It was like, literally did it in the morning before school.
01:19:20.020
Yeah, and there'd be like some girl who'd like made some shit out of like Fondet or
01:19:32.680
Bro, the best black names, I feel like, were in Louisiana.
01:19:37.440
But then the last name would be kind of normal.
01:19:49.960
Look, if we want to trace some lineage of some real shady shit, man, let's start calling
01:20:00.920
If there's a Donnie Truman out there or freaking Randall Truman, bro, we see you, fam.
01:20:06.440
And George Washington must have been plowing a ton of Afro-Americanes because there's so
01:20:30.040
I can't wait to watch because I love a special because you get that intro.
01:20:40.360
And yours, people can watch it if they haven't seen it.
01:20:52.440
For me, that's like the biggest thing, I feel like.
01:21:07.220
Because Netflix, I mean, look, we all love Netflix, but they own your shit, and you get
01:21:18.600
And then also the way that things can just disappear right there.
01:21:21.400
That things can just disappear so easily on Netflix.
01:21:24.740
Whereas I feel like if you get a hint of you on YouTube, say somebody watches a clip of
01:21:34.160
Then there's a chance they're going to get served this.
01:21:38.080
Whereas on Netflix, I'm not in a bunch of stuff on Netflix.
01:21:43.760
So it's not like you're going to see me, and then they're going to say, suggest this.
01:21:47.940
And if you don't get suggested something, you never find it.
01:21:54.420
You know what's weird about Netflix, too, is you go to your friend's house, and you're
01:22:00.800
Because they put you in this algo, and then you've got a whole different algo.
01:22:05.120
It's like going through your friend's cupboard.
01:22:06.480
You're like, damn, I never heard of Twisty Fruits.
01:22:12.520
And you go back to my world, and it's Cocoa Puffs.
01:22:15.980
It's like we're all in different algorithms, but there's not that.
01:22:24.500
Those are the presidents of the corporations, man.
01:22:28.020
It's like it's going to become like, oh, we were algorithm buddies or something.
01:22:41.120
Somebody will literally read someone's algorithm and predict their future, which will be so
01:22:47.260
They said, Sam Harris said, your phone knows you're gay before you do.
01:22:51.860
And it's true because it'll notice like, oh, you stopped on this hot guy picture for longer
01:22:59.480
So, yeah, maybe you'll decorate your room with this pink sea salt, huh?
01:23:05.200
And my girl, she, you know, it's hard to buy presents for your girlfriend because you don't
01:23:10.560
know what the hell they want and you don't want to fuck it up.
01:23:15.360
And I'm like, I need to get in tune with her phone to know what the gift is.
01:23:29.960
Let's look at, let's get a couple more questions that came in from Mark, man, and then we'll
01:23:36.140
You got a handsome fan base, I got to tell you.
01:23:45.540
Isn't that crazy to see people start to come out?
01:23:51.040
It's like you want to thank, it's like you want to thank them so much.
01:23:54.500
You just, oh, it's hard and it feels exhausting.
01:23:58.180
You're like, I've been waiting so, I've been trying my, since I was fucking nine years old
01:24:03.400
to make you laugh and finally hear you and I are.
01:24:10.640
Yeah, it's just the weirdest, weirdest thing, but that's how it is.
01:24:24.740
Mark, long time listener of Tuesdays with Stories.
01:24:29.880
My question for you guys is, what's the craziest heckler story you've ever had?
01:24:34.640
And I'm not talking just like, you know, some banter back and forth.
01:24:37.240
I'm talking about like, got pissed, rushed the stage, et cetera.
01:24:40.820
I've never heard that asked on here before and I just wanted to know.
01:24:51.200
Well, I've had so many bad heckles, but the one that really fucked me up was, I was doing
01:24:57.120
a, I was kind of new, I was probably like three, four years in, I got a college gig,
01:25:05.340
And it was in Florida and it was called Florida Atlantic.
01:25:07.800
It was an all black school, which I didn't know, but I don't give a shit.
01:25:16.100
I had to follow a rap group and they were like twirling shirts going, kill Whitey, fuck
01:25:20.920
the cops, I'll kill you, you know, fuck this bitch or whatever.
01:25:31.600
And I remember there was like a little cute, nerdy black girl with a clipboard going, okay,
01:25:35.920
And I just want to let you know, it's very diverse.
01:25:42.560
So it was me and this other kid and we were both supposed to do 30 minutes.
01:25:48.040
So, you know, these people don't want 30 minutes of one guy.
01:25:51.180
So he goes up first and they trash him immediately and he gets off after like a minute and a half.
01:26:07.900
And then they bring me up like, oh, we got another live one coming up.
01:26:11.740
And he's looking at me like, oh, this guy's a goner.
01:26:19.220
The mic is like right where that camera is and I haven't gotten there yet.
01:26:40.420
And then I try to do 20 minutes on Uber after that.
01:26:58.360
Why do you think, oh, the Irishman's unbelievably bad.
01:27:02.080
Doesn't even make any fucking, or the departed, whatever.
01:27:04.160
I don't even know the difference between the two.
01:27:11.020
I would rather watch that guy Seamus from WWE Wrestle.
01:27:19.260
But dude, why is it that comedians can take that fucking, what, that thing?
01:27:23.140
Because that's, for some people, that would kill them.
01:27:28.740
I think because we have, our mind is already so mean to us.
01:27:34.740
So in a weird way, I was like, they're trashing me.
01:27:40.580
Even though I am the butt of the joke, we're all having a good time.
01:27:45.220
So there's a part of me that's like, all right, at least this is kind of fun for them.
01:27:51.380
Even though I'm the butt of the joke, at least they're having a good time.
01:27:55.000
Like if I wasn't there, they wouldn't be laughing.
01:28:06.060
I had one like that at University of North Florida.
01:28:11.080
They didn't know I had to come back out in Florida.
01:28:13.200
They didn't know I had to come back out between each.
01:28:17.160
They didn't know I had to come back out again between each band.
01:28:19.200
I burned all my – I was supposed to do five minutes between each band, right?
01:28:28.600
And I had to come back out fucking like six more times.
01:28:36.360
When I ran – at least about the third time, the fourth time, it was like, no way.
01:28:44.280
There was one time in – they used to have this room in L.A. called – it was like at a bar, cafe in UCLA in Westwood.
01:28:56.680
Yeah, and it was UCLA bar, so there's no – it's a sad environment compared to what college – most college kids are used to.
01:29:18.220
And I didn't realize I had the mic in my hand the whole time.
01:29:24.800
And I'm like, why were you being so mean to me?
01:29:27.380
Just the fucking lamest thing you could say to somebody.
01:29:30.920
But that was – people were dying laughing because he and I were tussling, but the mic is right there.
01:29:46.720
I'm talking a real nerd guy, like fat guy with glasses and a beard, and he had a woman
01:29:53.520
with him and another – like a sister and his cousin or something.
01:30:00.160
And they keep doing the thing where they mimic my bomb.
01:30:08.160
And then I'd be like, well, what about Shag Carpet?
01:30:10.360
He's like, Shag Carpet, nothing there, you know?
01:30:20.020
And apparently he was like kind of downsy or something.
01:30:30.440
And this is when it gets really bad, when you're like, fuck you.
01:30:44.580
The retarded guy got up and was like, what the fuck?
01:31:01.040
And then I had like another 20 to do after that.
01:31:04.100
So now that other crowd hates me because I shit on them.
01:31:14.920
And it's better than mine, but I'm still going to tell mine.
01:31:19.300
And it's at like a weed conference or something, right?
01:31:24.680
People are blowing weed, smoking the air and stuff.
01:31:27.020
And so I start getting just zooted out on stage, bro.
01:31:43.300
There was like THC stuff, but it was still, they were pushing the limits.
01:31:47.780
And some guy was dressed like a captain, like a total captain who brings me on stage.
01:31:51.220
At that point, I am so cooked out of my gizzard.
01:31:53.560
Like the whole, people have just been blowing joints.
01:31:59.260
There's probably 13 people in a room that would seat maybe 150.
01:32:05.620
The guy in the front is mentally disabled, right?
01:32:12.280
I didn't need, I literally didn't even know what was going on.
01:32:22.320
And this guy starts saying stuff, messing with me.
01:32:25.320
And finally, somebody yells out, could have even been you, yells out, that guy's retarded,
01:32:32.580
And I was like, well, put a sign on him then, you know, right?
01:32:37.720
And then finally, it was the first last I got, dude.
01:32:45.080
I think it had literally been four minutes, dude.
01:32:48.360
But when you're high, four minutes is like a week.
01:32:50.680
I think everybody, the guy there was like, man, you did great, dude.
01:33:21.620
We didn't, I love they had the coach for kids that kick, like, you don't need a coat
01:33:29.000
Every time we kick a field goal, we get a, every kid, every kid gets a coat.
01:34:18.640
They're this New Orleans, like, uh, they have, they're this New Orleans, it's kind
01:34:36.200
I didn't, I had to leave New Orleans to realize it was a small town.
01:34:40.360
Yeah, you didn't realize when you got somewhere else, you're like, oh, they don't even have
01:34:53.220
That's another thing that's kind of a bummer about everything getting so commercialized.
01:34:57.220
And so, like, you know, there's just no more, like, small chains.
01:35:01.760
It just, all of it kind of goes by the wayside.
01:35:13.720
It just feels like that's all kind of old now, antiquated.
01:35:18.460
Yeah, it feels like some things are just, like, some of the fabric of society has come
01:35:31.360
And it makes you feel like your life doesn't mean as much because you had really invested
01:35:38.080
in kind of the template of what everything was, you know?
01:35:42.020
Yeah, now meaning is clicks and followers and likes.
01:35:47.980
Like, every book now is like, why this was racist, you know?
01:35:51.680
It's just like, you know, Frederick Douglass was racist.
01:36:29.400
I think people like us who just kind of want to live and have relationships and connect,
01:36:39.040
I think a lot of those people probably, they're just not busy doing all of that shit that other
01:36:49.220
You know, sometimes you're on Twitter and you just get wrapped up in this shit.
01:36:52.720
He's got two kids and he's pushing them on a swing.
01:37:00.820
Yeah, most people are living, yeah, when you get outside of this, most people are living
01:37:08.300
Let's get this last question that came in here.
01:37:17.220
Is this your first time doing three shows in a night?
01:37:20.660
But if you want to pop by, I don't know if you're busy.
01:37:31.260
Because I got, I'm heading out of town tomorrow.
01:37:43.760
Traveling like y'all do, I'm wondering, what's the weirdest proposition that you've gotten
01:37:50.640
Not like, come to my hotel room, come to the bar, thinking more like, have you ever gotten
01:37:58.400
something like, someone's like, come to my apartment and bottle feed me or something
01:38:11.780
I've definitely had the swingers, like, hey, we swing if you're interested, blah, blah,
01:38:15.320
But the craziest thing was one guy was like, I live out on a lake in a cabin, I tried to
01:38:24.780
But I lived on a cabin in the lake, and he's like, come out here, I'll pick you up from the
01:38:30.100
airport, it's like a three-hour drive, fly in early, we'll fish, we'll grill it up, we'll
01:38:34.760
watch movies, and I'm like, dude, this is a lot.
01:38:38.260
I wouldn't do this with my aunt, and you want me to do it?
01:38:42.780
And I know they listen to a lot of pods, so they think they know you, but I'm like,
01:38:59.040
You know, we'll hit the grocery, you're like, this is sounding.
01:39:04.920
Yeah, and it's nice, you're like, oh, that's sweet, but that would be work.
01:39:09.340
Just the car ride from the airport to your three-hour cabin is like, damn, what are we
01:39:15.980
So, yeah, shit like that is tough, but it's also flattering.
01:39:20.620
Yeah, it is flattering that somebody would be brave enough to spend that much time with
01:39:25.960
And then I think, I'm kind of jealous, because I would assume no one would want to hang out
01:39:29.080
with me, but they're like, oh, he'll want to go.
01:39:33.000
Do you think people want to go hang out with you?
01:39:35.700
And then your time gets so busy, you're doing the shows, because people want to see the show.
01:39:39.540
That then you don't have as much free time as you used to.
01:39:42.780
And then you got to do your gym, you got to do your solo pod, or whatever it is, so.
01:39:48.140
It's all such a, it's life, man, it's just where we are.
01:39:53.400
Oh, yeah, no, yeah, and I'm not complaining, I'm just trying to examine it.
01:39:56.980
And sometimes the examination is, you know, you have to just be honest about the examination,
01:40:04.400
even if, even whether things are going good or not good.
01:40:08.880
You still want to try and get a, be able to look at things.
01:40:12.780
You got to, what do you call it, dissect and analyze all the time.
01:40:17.800
Yeah, man, we're just a couple of formaldehyde frogs out here, man.
01:40:22.220
Boy, remember that shit where you cut that open in class?
01:40:24.320
Oh, yeah, and try to get the hot girl in your group, but then you realize how gross
01:40:31.820
That was better, though, because at least you weren't writing or reading.
01:40:35.500
It was weird to cut up on that pig, but it broke up the day a little bit.
01:40:42.400
My teacher, I remember, was dipping when we did that.
01:40:47.800
We had a teacher that got busted for homosexuality, actually.
01:40:56.560
But his replacement came in during the pig cutting, so like second day of pig cutting,
01:41:03.800
And it's this bald-headed, huge guy, and he literally was drinking a fucking like four-gallon
01:41:09.840
jug of kombucha mushroom juice, and no one had ever heard of it.
01:41:14.140
And he's like, I'm telling you, this shit will save lives.
01:41:20.520
This guy's already just starting to eat in the pig.
01:41:23.500
The pig, he touches them, they start coming back to life.
01:41:31.160
And then it was like the biggest thing in the world.
01:41:33.240
But this dude, I got to find that guy and figure out how did he learn about that.
01:41:48.200
I've thought about using it to try and get off of antidepressants.
01:41:55.940
I've had friends that have had success with it.
01:41:58.380
Because I'm sick of being addicted to like, just like, even antidepressants.
01:42:02.220
It's like, I started taking these bitches a day.
01:42:08.880
Every doctor you go see, they're just like, oh, just keep taking them.
01:42:14.400
I mean, I don't know what's going on in the personal life, but.
01:42:18.080
I think I just, but you wonder, like, how long, you know.
01:42:23.100
Does it ever click and you go, I don't need them anymore.
01:42:27.700
You know, big forearms and he'll give you one of these if you act up.
01:42:32.820
And he started taking antidepressants when I was in college.
01:42:41.940
And you're like, you know, you still flinch because he was so scary.
01:42:52.780
You're like, sometimes it's like, I feel like I'm, like there's thoughts and ideas.
01:42:56.960
And like, sometimes I think because in relationships, I'm unable to connect sometimes.
01:43:00.240
I think sometimes I'm not able to have certain feelings.
01:43:03.180
Because the medicine kind of just leaves you in the middle.
01:43:06.740
So it's like, you don't really get the feelings you need to create love, which are highs and
01:43:16.300
He said, no, you got to experience the whole thing, even though it sucks.
01:43:28.580
And Mark Norman touring and changing his life, dude.
01:44:00.680
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be
01:44:05.900
sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure
01:44:17.500
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
01:44:34.940
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
01:44:41.080
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
01:44:44.000
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
01:44:50.640
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:44:54.960
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:44:59.220
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,
01:45:04.960
And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.