This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E361 Mark Normand

00:00:00.840 You know, it's really difficult to shop for insurance online.

00:00:03.680 It's difficult.

00:00:04.340 You don't know.

00:00:04.800 You're clicking on something.

00:00:05.740 Next thing you know, you're touching yourself, and you still don't have insurance.

00:00:11.440 That's where the Zebra comes in.

00:00:12.920 The Zebra compares car and home insurance quotes for every major insurance company in

00:00:17.000 under five minutes.

00:00:18.040 That's right.

00:00:18.760 They do it.

00:00:19.780 Compare quotes for free at thezebra.com slash T-H-E-O.

00:00:25.740 That's thezebra.com slash Theo.

00:00:29.140 I've used it, and it works.

00:00:31.340 Thezebra.com slash Theo.

00:00:34.060 I want to start this episode off by just saying thank you for supporting me, and just to announce

00:00:41.420 that the Netflix airing will be on October 19th, so you can check out it on Netflix.

00:00:50.180 It'll be there soon.

00:00:50.980 I appreciate your love and support.

00:00:53.160 I appreciate anybody that supported me in my comedy career, and I'm grateful.

00:00:59.140 I hope for you guys to see this.

00:01:00.700 It's been a lot of hard work, and a lot of you guys have come out over the years and watched

00:01:05.200 me work it, and so here we are.

00:01:08.080 That's October 19th on Netflix.

00:01:11.900 Get that hitter. 1.00

00:01:13.900 I want to thank Liquid Death for being a part of my life.

00:01:17.960 Oh, the irony.

00:01:20.020 I want to let everybody know that tickets are going on sale now for a show in Coachella, California.

00:01:28.320 That's right.

00:01:29.120 That's where it is.

00:01:29.920 You've heard it.

00:01:30.380 It's a music town.

00:01:32.300 Coachella, California.

00:01:33.500 It's Spotlight 29 Casino, and that's Saturday, December 4th, 2021.

00:01:39.320 And those tickets are available at theovan.com slash tour.

00:01:45.060 As well, we got dates in Wilkes-Beyer, PA, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Charleston, Baltimore, Burlington,

00:01:54.600 Vermin, Albany, and Buffalo, New York.

00:01:58.320 Those are all available at theovan.com slash tour.

00:02:03.000 We have other places as well, but those are the places that still have tickets available.

00:02:07.380 The new Out of Gas Teas Collection.

00:02:10.820 They got new items on there.

00:02:12.580 Theovan.com slash tour.

00:02:14.000 Check it out if you'd like to see that.

00:02:15.980 If you've run out of gas a lot like me, then you might want to have something to wear while

00:02:20.680 you're out there waiting for the AAA or for the gas friend.

00:02:24.100 Today's guest, he's changing the game up himself.

00:02:28.060 Other people have claimed to do it, but I really see it with this man.

00:02:31.640 He's a real humorous man, and he's probably one of the, I mean, he's just, he's just one

00:02:39.340 of a kind, really, and he really is that.

00:02:42.240 And he's got a special Out to Lunch that's available on YouTube, and he's got his podcast

00:02:48.500 Tuesday with Stories that he co-hosts with Mr. Joe List.

00:02:53.920 I'm happy to have him here today in our Central East studio, Mr. Mark Normand.

00:03:01.540 For me to set that parking brake, and let myself unwind.

00:03:07.680 Shine that light on me.

00:03:13.120 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:03:18.440 Shine on me.

00:03:21.360 And I will find a song I've been singing just from you.

00:03:33.500 Dude, well, thank you for coming in, bro.

00:03:36.060 Good to see you, man.

00:03:37.040 Of course, of course.

00:03:37.760 Good to be here.

00:03:39.020 I was just over at Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen.

00:03:46.680 Are we on?

00:03:48.060 We're cooking?

00:03:49.060 Oh, boy.

00:03:50.000 All right.

00:03:50.580 Cut that last thing out.

00:03:52.900 I was just at the dang, I was over at Walgreen.

00:03:57.080 You got Walgreen over there in New York City?

00:03:58.920 Oh, yeah.

00:03:59.380 We got it.

00:03:59.800 CBS, Walgreen, Rite Aid, you name it.

00:04:02.560 And they had, I was in line, and they're like, make sure to tag us on your social medias. 0.97

00:04:08.180 And it literally just blew my brain out of my freaking wiener, man.

00:04:13.720 Because it was like, who is going to like, you know, got my cancer meds or whatever, you know, like. 0.86

00:04:20.480 Yeah.

00:04:22.020 Having fun in the parking lot, CBS.

00:04:24.140 It just seemed, it's just crazy how everything is like hashtag, like just like.

00:04:28.600 It's all connected.

00:04:29.500 It's all weird.

00:04:30.220 Sometimes, though, you got to admit those guys are funny on Twitter.

00:04:33.620 Like, Wendy's will go off on some guy.

00:04:36.100 Oh, yeah.

00:04:36.880 Yeah, if Wendy's and Arby's go off, dog, I'm there for that.

00:04:40.980 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:04:41.940 Because, you know, there's just some fat guy behind a desk, and he's just like, ah, screw it. 0.99

00:04:45.700 I'm going to be myself with the face of Wendy's. 0.99

00:04:49.500 Yeah, man.

00:04:50.440 Wendy's used to be so good.

00:04:51.900 Oh, the square burger, baby.

00:04:53.820 Dave Thomas.

00:04:54.860 Chili. 0.96

00:04:56.280 Remember?

00:04:57.080 I loved when it was chili.

00:04:58.280 Chili was their thing. 1.00

00:04:59.300 That was their thing.

00:05:00.700 That was their thing.

00:05:01.660 And you'd get the baked potato, you'd pour the chili on it, then some girl was like, what? 1.00

00:05:05.460 Where'd you learn that?

00:05:06.220 Then she'd blow you. 1.00

00:05:07.080 It was a great time.

00:05:08.280 Yeah.

00:05:08.860 And your family was doing great.

00:05:10.480 It's like, we're here.

00:05:11.480 You know?

00:05:11.960 It felt like, you know, you go to Rally's or McDonald's, it felt a little lowbrow, but Wendy's felt a little upscale.

00:05:19.060 He kind of jumped out the car.

00:05:20.460 Yeah.

00:05:20.800 Like, Dad is a good guy.

00:05:22.220 Oh.

00:05:22.760 You know?

00:05:23.260 Like, you'd have all these crazy vibes.

00:05:25.160 Yeah.

00:05:25.400 I mean, he still hit me, but, you know, I was at the salad bar, so it felt classier.

00:05:31.640 Dude, I remember, too.

00:05:32.980 Pizza Hut salad bars used to have that pudding on them.

00:05:36.340 Remember?

00:05:36.840 Oh, the chocolate pudding.

00:05:38.000 Yeah.

00:05:38.320 That was big.

00:05:39.620 Can't believe they did it.

00:05:40.840 That's after Little League games.

00:05:42.160 It was all Pizza Hut all day.

00:05:44.820 Oh, it was so good, man.

00:05:46.900 I remember getting a personal pan.

00:05:48.280 You're like, Jesus Christ.

00:05:49.460 Yeah.

00:05:49.600 I got my own personal pan.

00:05:50.940 Yeah.

00:05:51.100 I'm doing pretty good.

00:05:51.760 Who read two books, you know?

00:05:53.820 Remember that?

00:05:55.420 Yeah.

00:05:56.180 Remember the book club, man?

00:05:57.460 We were smart.

00:05:58.380 We'd be in there.

00:05:59.440 We were like a real coupon family.

00:06:01.440 Oh, me too.

00:06:02.880 My mom was at Crazy Coups with the clippings at the end, and she's like, hold on, I got one. 1.00

00:06:07.780 You're like, come on, you crazy whore. 1.00

00:06:09.600 We got to get out of here. 1.00

00:06:11.460 I got a blockbuster.

00:06:12.780 I'm ready to crack open.

00:06:13.220 Yeah, no wonder Dad's gone.

00:06:14.960 Yeah.

00:06:15.740 I couldn't wait around, either.

00:06:17.580 Because you got to save six cents on some ice cream sandwiches.

00:06:21.300 Yeah.

00:06:22.360 Do you think that patience has changed?

00:06:26.600 Oh, yeah.

00:06:27.800 Isn't it?

00:06:29.140 It's almost crazy how much it's changed.

00:06:30.920 It's embarrassing.

00:06:31.920 I'll be at a red light, and I'm like, I better look at my phone.

00:06:34.860 Right.

00:06:35.160 I can't make it the eight seconds before I cross the street.

00:06:37.780 I'm like, well, I got downtime.

00:06:39.460 Might as well tweet something.

00:06:40.600 Yeah.

00:06:41.540 Yeah, but it's like, who's running this red light?

00:06:43.640 Is this like, you know, it's almost like, you're almost like, this red light needs to 0.82

00:06:47.360 get its shit together, kind of, it feels like. 0.93

00:06:50.060 Right. 0.94

00:06:51.680 Or just like, why, you know, every little bit of, everything feels like, things didn't

00:06:56.220 used to feel like wasted time.

00:06:57.340 It used to feel like nice.

00:07:00.020 Yeah.

00:07:00.640 To have some moments, I think.

00:07:02.360 That's true.

00:07:03.100 Yeah.

00:07:03.140 Or you just didn't think of it as wasted time?

00:07:05.340 I'm just trying to walk through it.

00:07:06.560 It was life.

00:07:07.300 It was just, oh, I'm doing life.

00:07:09.220 I'm outside.

00:07:10.100 I'm living.

00:07:10.880 Yeah.

00:07:11.360 And now it's like, wait, I could be doing something.

00:07:13.480 This could be a TikTok.

00:07:14.380 Oh, the white guy's flashing.

00:07:15.660 Now the hand.

00:07:16.280 That could be a thing.

00:07:17.160 Yeah.

00:07:17.540 I'll put music to it.

00:07:18.680 You're like, what am I doing?

00:07:20.200 We're not living.

00:07:21.120 Instagram went down a couple days ago, and there was a part of me like, I hope it doesn't

00:07:24.600 come back.

00:07:25.160 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:25.480 Fuck it. 1.00

00:07:26.980 Yeah, you remember that in Louisiana? 1.00

00:07:28.500 I know growing up, a lot of storms come through there, dude.

00:07:30.660 A lot of storms.

00:07:31.680 Mm-hmm.

00:07:32.120 A lot of people, you know, missing teeth.

00:07:35.040 A lot of people missing DNA.

00:07:36.280 Remember they had one guy there, they found he didn't have any DNA in his body?

00:07:39.380 This was like 14 years ago.

00:07:40.760 What?

00:07:41.000 I missed that guy.

00:07:41.940 They couldn't genome sequence him or something.

00:07:45.420 Yeah.

00:07:45.640 Well, hopefully he's not a serial killer, because he'll get away with it.

00:07:48.200 Oh, I'm sure.

00:07:48.760 Look, if God gives you that gift, bro, you better buy a hatchet.

00:07:53.840 Yeah.

00:07:54.180 No doubt about it.

00:07:56.460 But I remember when the power would go out at our house, dude, we would get into, it

00:08:02.360 was like the only time our family was kind of close.

00:08:05.200 Yeah, same with the Scrabble.

00:08:06.980 The candles came out, you had to talk to your brother.

00:08:10.060 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:10.920 That was weird.

00:08:12.840 God, it was so weird.

00:08:14.440 It was so, yeah, but I love, there's almost something kind of cool about it.

00:08:17.440 Like, it was a, your family became a little bit of a necessity, because you were scared,

00:08:23.340 kind of.

00:08:23.900 Yes.

00:08:24.400 You didn't know, like, the second anybody left the candle, it was like, what happened to

00:08:29.440 them?

00:08:30.040 You know?

00:08:30.560 That's true.

00:08:31.280 We had to be Amish for a minute.

00:08:32.800 Yeah, yeah.

00:08:33.360 And it makes you, maybe the Amish are tight. 0.82

00:08:35.920 Yeah, I bet the Amish are pretty tight. 1.00

00:08:37.600 I saw some Amish at the airport the other day.

00:08:40.060 Yeah.

00:08:40.300 They're not allowed in there.

00:08:41.860 I think there's a, can Amish fly? 1.00

00:08:45.080 Will you look that up, Spencer?

00:08:45.920 Do you mind?

00:08:46.500 I think some of them can fly.

00:08:48.440 I don't know if they, you might have to be a high school graduate.

00:08:53.700 I'm not sure what they're, like, what the jurisdiction is on being able to fly or not.

00:08:58.520 Yeah.

00:08:59.320 I mean, it's all electric, so.

00:09:01.900 The Amish are not permitted. 1.00

00:09:04.400 I'd imagine they can't.

00:09:05.520 Can you zoom in on that a little if you can?

00:09:07.760 I think they're all banging each other, by the way. 0.98

00:09:10.360 Wow.

00:09:10.940 So they don't need to fly.

00:09:12.200 That's hearsay.

00:09:14.380 That's what I've been reading in the Amish newsletter.

00:09:17.900 We use trusted English neighbors are not permitted travel airplanes.

00:09:21.180 Oh, well, these guys must have been.

00:09:23.460 They're rule breakers.

00:09:25.100 You know, there was a, I remember that show Breaking Amish, right?

00:09:28.700 Yes.

00:09:29.060 And there was one of the guys, he's, like, cutting the grass with that little, with just the spinning knife.

00:09:35.440 Yeah, I remember we had one of those.

00:09:37.180 And they interview him, and he's, like, man, I was adopted. 0.99

00:09:41.440 I'm not even fucking supposed to be Amish, dog. 0.99

00:09:43.840 It was, like, oh, my God. 0.99

00:09:45.900 I never saw that one.

00:09:47.460 God, TLC is just a misery channel.

00:09:50.500 It's, like, my 600-pound life.

00:09:52.260 I'm a midget.

00:09:53.060 I'm an Amish.

00:09:54.100 I'm getting surgery.

00:09:55.640 It's a bummer over there.

00:09:57.240 Yeah, I wonder why they really tapped into that market, I guess.

00:10:00.660 I don't have any legs.

00:10:01.940 Someone else has my legs.

00:10:03.380 Yeah.

00:10:03.960 You seen that show?

00:10:04.880 No.

00:10:04.960 It's, like, somebody took, yeah, they said they, it's, like, people harvesting organs or something.

00:10:09.980 Wow.

00:10:11.200 Yeah, it's really out on a limb.

00:10:12.600 Yeah.

00:10:13.100 All right.

00:10:14.300 How's comedy in New York right now?

00:10:17.600 What's it like?

00:10:18.440 Are you in the city?

00:10:19.480 I am.

00:10:19.960 I live in Manhattan.

00:10:21.360 And the clubs are great.

00:10:23.320 It's all open.

00:10:24.060 You've got to show the vax card to get in.

00:10:26.280 But I'll say this.

00:10:27.920 What isn't the same, when I moved to New York, there was all these hot bar shows and alternative shows, and those are all gone.

00:10:34.900 Really?

00:10:35.240 I don't think comics get along anymore.

00:10:37.980 You know, comedy's so splintered now. 0.88

00:10:39.680 You know, you've got this group, you've got that group, and everything's politicized, and what side are you on, and all that shit, and, you know, there's, like, these teams now, and it's not good.

00:10:51.400 Like, when you say teams, like, is it so, it's, like, does it feel political? 0.95

00:10:55.120 Does it feel like, or just, like, if you're not woke enough, does it feel, I'm just trying to think.

00:11:00.160 Yeah, a little of everything, a little of all that, and you've got to fall into your tribe a little bit now.

00:11:04.180 I mean, the whole country's going this way, so, I don't know.

00:11:07.640 You know, people were different before, we all had our differences, but, like, everybody got along, you made it work.

00:11:12.800 There was no internet as much.

00:11:14.240 I mean, there was, but it wasn't, like, everything, because people let all their bullshit out online, and then you don't see people face to face as much, and I think people are just separating more.

00:11:25.180 Yeah, yeah, I think, I started feeling recently, like, you know, especially during, like, a lot of the, I guess, election stuff, and then especially during, like, when BLM really went on.

00:11:37.800 Oh, yeah.

00:11:38.700 Because I used to feel like we're all on the same team, we're all trying to do our best, and everybody, you know, this is what we're doing.

00:11:46.780 This is, like, America, and it's just, like, how we're, you know, we're trying our best.

00:11:50.320 And then I felt like, everything felt like, some of the BLM stuff to me almost felt like supremacy, like, it wasn't, like, about everybody anymore.

00:12:03.400 Like, it wasn't, and it wasn't even just about black people.

00:12:05.880 It was just, like, people wanted to exercise, like, victimhood.

00:12:12.180 Maybe some victimhood, but it was just, like, I don't know, everything started really fragmenting then.

00:12:18.700 Like, for me, I thought, oh, we're all on the same team, and then it was now, like, oh, well, just, it's just about these, this group, and this group.

00:12:25.860 Ah, right.

00:12:26.360 And for me, I think maybe for some people, it had never been that Black Lives Mattered or that, but for me, I think it always had been.

00:12:33.160 So, to me, I was just, like, and in some points, and this is just me as a white person, right?

00:12:39.460 Yeah.

00:12:39.720 It almost felt like, um, not an attack on me, but it felt like, it didn't feel like there was a safe place for you to go if you were somebody who's, like, well, I've always respected everybody.

00:12:52.360 Like, why do I have to behave any, why do I have to, like, show a certain, be a certain way now or something?

00:12:58.020 I get what you're saying.

00:12:59.320 Yeah, I've never, we grew up in Louisiana, you know, it was just, it was mixed. 1.00

00:13:04.680 It was mixed, everywhere was mixed, and it, I never even, it never came across my mind that black people didn't matter.

00:13:10.160 Right. 0.98

00:13:10.460 So, when everybody's like, they matter, you're like, yeah, I know, and then they get mad at you for not doing a bunch of shit, you're like, but I've been a good guy the whole time. 0.85

00:13:16.980 Yeah, yeah, that was the thing.

00:13:18.280 There was no card to show that you've been a good guy, and there was nobody that seemed like they wanted to believe that you'd been a good guy the whole time.

00:13:25.120 Yes, yes, I think that's a human nature thing.

00:13:28.060 They get to yell at you, so they feel better.

00:13:30.780 Right. 0.96

00:13:31.160 You know, this white lady's like, hey, you're not doing enough, and where's your black square? 1.00

00:13:35.480 And you're like, I'm banging a black chick. 1.00

00:13:38.580 Like, I don't know, it's never enough. 0.99

00:13:40.800 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:41.180 But that's their own shit. 1.00

00:13:42.600 They got some internal stuff, and they want to take it out on you, I think. 0.99

00:13:46.140 Yeah, yeah, well, I think, I don't know, it's just interesting, because at the same time, we've all been really separated.

00:13:53.960 Like, we've all been in our own little holes.

00:13:56.840 Like, podcasting has become, like, so grateful, I'm sure, that you have Tuesdays with stories, and just, like, that everybody has their own cast.

00:14:05.640 It's like, at least you have your own kind of channel now.

00:14:08.440 Yep.

00:14:09.080 You've got to build your island now.

00:14:11.440 Yeah, it does feel like that a little bit, I guess.

00:14:14.420 Which, everybody can have their own thing.

00:14:17.180 The internet is big and vast, and it's got room for everybody.

00:14:20.200 But when people start attacking people, that's what bugs me.

00:14:24.800 You know, like, you can have your thing, and Theo can have his thing, but when people come at your thing, I'm like, why, what do we do with this enough for everybody?

00:14:32.560 Right.

00:14:33.380 That's bandwidth.

00:14:34.700 Yeah, yeah, that's bandwidth.

00:14:35.660 We've got a question right here.

00:14:39.280 I want to think a little bit more about this.

00:14:41.620 I'm not good sometimes.

00:14:42.600 Some people are great at thinking and talking at the same time.

00:14:45.680 When I meet somebody like that, like, if I watch, like, a Ben Shapiro or, like, a Jordan Peterson, somebody whose brain, like, it's almost like their mouth is, like, a little before their brain.

00:14:59.340 That's impressive.

00:15:00.400 It's like a wizard.

00:15:01.620 I know.

00:15:02.280 Grand wizard.

00:15:03.380 Yeah.

00:15:03.660 I'm the exact opposite.

00:15:04.560 I'm, like, I'm just faking it.

00:15:06.820 Yeah.

00:15:07.000 And then I'm hoping my brain catches up.

00:15:09.040 You know, I'll just keep talking, and maybe it'll pop in.

00:15:11.860 Yeah, yeah, that's how I am, too.

00:15:13.320 Here's a white guy. 1.00

00:15:14.320 Yeah, piece of shit. 1.00

00:15:17.200 Honky. 1.00

00:15:17.820 Theo, Mark, I know you guys have similar backgrounds, both Louisiana boys, and both grew up in primarily black neighborhoods.

00:15:30.980 Just curious, what was the best part about being one of the only white kids in a black neighborhood?

00:15:38.960 Gang, gang. 0.86

00:15:39.920 Thanks for the question, man.

00:15:41.320 I appreciate it.

00:15:41.960 Definitely the snacks.

00:15:43.060 We had better snacks at our house.

00:15:45.620 Did you? 1.00

00:15:46.280 Well, we had orange slices and, you know, healthy shit. 1.00

00:15:51.760 But do you think that came from being in a black neighborhood? 0.99

00:15:55.380 Well, just in comparison, I'd go to my friend Eddie's house, and it was just, like, shit I'd never seen before. 0.99

00:16:01.260 Like, weird brands and bags of cereal. 0.96

00:16:03.520 Right.

00:16:04.140 Or we had Dunkaroos and some blood people. 0.99

00:16:06.000 Like a hat full of heart meat or something. 0.97

00:16:07.660 Yeah, you know, gizzards or whatever the fuck that is. 0.90

00:16:10.820 But no, but I'm saying, what, like, I think his question is, like, what do you think was, what was it, what was interesting about it? 0.99

00:16:19.120 He said what was one of the perks of being one of the white kids? 0.57

00:16:22.240 I showed a lot of kids how to skateboard.

00:16:26.620 Okay, so there you go.

00:16:27.640 I think that would be a real perk.

00:16:29.180 So you had better snacks.

00:16:30.980 Yeah, I think so.

00:16:32.520 So, yeah, you got to show kids how to skateboard.

00:16:36.720 I'm trying to think that's interesting.

00:16:38.200 I had cable.

00:16:39.360 I had Nintendo.

00:16:41.520 This black kid would come over and play on our Nintendo.

00:16:43.560 He was unbelievable.

00:16:44.620 It was, like, something I'd never seen.

00:16:46.500 And me and my brother were, like, in awe of this kid.

00:16:48.920 He would just go to town on that Nintendo with Mario.

00:16:53.200 He could jump up.

00:16:53.900 Remember when you had to jump on the flagpole at the end of Mario and slide up?

00:16:56.500 He could get to the top.

00:16:58.640 Killed it. 0.90

00:16:59.040 Oh, wow. 0.69

00:17:00.020 Yeah.

00:17:01.000 Yeah, that's a lot.

00:17:01.960 I think they have extra muscles in their fingers.

00:17:03.940 I think so.

00:17:04.980 That's what I heard anyway. 0.58

00:17:06.000 Did you hear that growing up in Louisiana that black people have extra muscles in their body? 0.80

00:17:09.280 Quick twitch, they would always say. 0.89

00:17:10.880 They got the quick twitch.

00:17:12.100 Yeah.

00:17:12.520 And, yeah, it was true. 0.56

00:17:14.540 I mean, you try to play soccer with this one guy in my neighborhood.

00:17:18.280 I think he was Haitian or something.

00:17:20.060 So he was just black and Haitian.

00:17:22.480 So that's already two levels.

00:17:24.060 Double entendre.

00:17:24.800 Yeah.

00:17:25.380 I think that was his name, entendre.

00:17:26.900 Oh, yeah.

00:17:27.780 Entendre.

00:17:28.240 We had an entendre Wilson, too, at our school.

00:17:30.920 I'm trying to think of some of the highlights.

00:17:32.720 Some of the highlights I remember were that other white kids at school, you knew some black kids.

00:17:38.640 So it was like you had a little bit more like my white friends didn't really know the black kids.

00:17:44.640 Oh, that's good.

00:17:45.520 So you could be like a liaison at times.

00:17:48.060 Yes. 0.69

00:17:48.240 At least you got a little bit of like more respect if you were like talking to the black kids. 0.98

00:17:52.560 It's like you could be over there. 0.92

00:17:54.300 You could kind of joke around. 0.98

00:17:55.560 You could have a little bit more room with the black kids. 1.00

00:18:00.760 That was the other kid.

00:18:01.920 That was entendre's brother was liaison.

00:18:04.120 Yeah.

00:18:04.380 But, yeah, no, you're right.

00:18:07.340 You had it was good to be dip your toe in both pools.

00:18:10.380 You know, you knew a little a little of both both cultures.

00:18:14.060 Yeah.

00:18:14.440 I'm trying to think of what other highlights were.

00:18:16.680 Oh, yeah, you got to be able to joke.

00:18:21.540 You got to try a little bit more humor on a crowd that you knew was a little bit.

00:18:28.680 It was a little tougher.

00:18:30.160 You got to own.

00:18:30.920 I mean, sometimes you got to even you didn't get to say the end where I don't remember what the rules were back then.

00:18:35.340 But you got to like joke around about it.

00:18:38.040 Like you just got to be in more circle.

00:18:40.500 People would call you the end word.

00:18:42.040 Yeah, I did it.

00:18:43.400 That was a great moment.

00:18:44.600 Oh, yeah.

00:18:45.740 God, I remember going home and telling my mom, man.

00:18:49.100 She's like, don't say it.

00:18:51.080 Yeah, that was big.

00:18:52.320 And also, it's weird because we use the term minority a lot for certain groups.

00:18:56.220 But like in my neighborhood, I was the minority.

00:18:58.800 Right.

00:18:59.060 You go 10, 10 miles this way.

00:19:00.600 I'm not.

00:19:01.020 But in my neighborhood, I was.

00:19:02.220 So I felt like you got some leeway.

00:19:03.940 You were like, you know, you ever do an all black show and you're the white guy?

00:19:06.940 Yeah.

00:19:07.280 You stand out.

00:19:08.100 You you're the novelty.

00:19:09.060 You pop.

00:19:10.300 And they would let me pop in this in this group.

00:19:13.440 It feels scary.

00:19:14.220 Like doing an all black show feels scary.

00:19:16.720 Yeah.

00:19:17.620 It's a different.

00:19:18.380 It's a different ball game because I feel like they're more real and they they kind

00:19:24.240 of will not.

00:19:25.180 If you bombing, they're they're fine with letting you bomb. 0.86

00:19:28.400 And if you kill, they will let you know you're killing.

00:19:30.780 But there's not much middle ground. 1.00

00:19:31.920 You never do OK with a black crowd. 1.00

00:19:34.160 Oh, it's interesting. 1.00

00:19:36.060 You're the murdering or boo. 0.98

00:19:37.720 Yeah, it's very a game of Jerome's kind of, you know, that's a weird statement, really.

00:19:45.900 But it's like very Game of Thrones. 0.73

00:19:47.440 It's a Coliseum like very Coliseum because if not in black people are always eating at 1.00

00:19:52.080 their show. 0.98

00:19:52.840 Yeah, it's not.

00:19:53.820 If it's not good, they will eat.

00:19:56.080 And you hear that.

00:19:57.020 Oh, yeah.

00:19:58.220 Yeah.

00:19:58.500 The silverware.

00:19:59.820 A lot of heavy handed mamas out there. 1.00

00:20:02.500 And, you know, some woman two spooning through some fucking through a damn half a dove or 1.00

00:20:07.780 something. 1.00

00:20:08.200 You know, you're like, you don't even have a knife.

00:20:11.180 I'm doing a horrible.

00:20:12.960 Right.

00:20:13.260 Right.

00:20:13.980 Yeah, that's true.

00:20:15.140 And and sometimes there's jewelry clanking.

00:20:17.440 A lot of crazy jewelry.

00:20:19.180 Sling. 0.93

00:20:19.840 I think I don't know if there's anything tougher probably than doing.

00:20:26.600 Oh, I don't know.

00:20:28.020 Not tough.

00:20:28.700 It definitely if you had some luck with it, then you'd be fired up.

00:20:33.960 Best feeling in the world.

00:20:35.040 Yeah. 1.00

00:20:35.380 Killing for a black room. 1.00

00:20:36.380 But it's easy to kill if you play up the white guy. 1.00

00:20:38.760 I think if you go up and go. 0.95

00:20:39.880 I remember one time I did one in Harlem and they played some rap song to bring me out.

00:20:43.140 And I was like, never heard that song before.

00:20:44.880 And they're like, ah, he's so white. 0.55

00:20:47.260 And that was too easy.

00:20:48.460 And I remember going back and I'm like, I'm not going to do the white thing. 0.92

00:20:50.600 And I bombed.

00:20:51.420 Yeah.

00:20:52.000 So it was.

00:20:53.340 I remember I got up one time and even just said, what's up?

00:20:55.940 My N words even on stage.

00:20:57.400 Oh, that's good.

00:20:58.060 And they went nuts, man.

00:20:59.820 You didn't.

00:21:00.200 You said N word.

00:21:01.120 You didn't say the word.

00:21:01.800 I said the real word.

00:21:02.380 You said the real word.

00:21:03.020 Yeah.

00:21:03.440 Whoa. 0.97

00:21:04.060 That's balls. 0.97

00:21:04.960 This is back when you could kind of do. 0.98

00:21:06.860 I mean, you couldn't.

00:21:07.580 You weren't supposed.

00:21:08.200 But it was just a moment.

00:21:09.400 It's like, that's one thing about comedy, though.

00:21:11.500 Yeah.

00:21:11.780 It's like there's times where it's like if you.

00:21:13.960 It used to be anyway.

00:21:15.200 If you felt a certain thing.

00:21:17.440 Yep.

00:21:18.120 And you could trust that instinct.

00:21:20.000 It was real scary.

00:21:21.560 So true. 0.99

00:21:22.300 It was like somebody fucking. 0.99

00:21:24.280 It's almost like Satan lit a little fuse in the distance. 1.00

00:21:27.200 Yes.

00:21:27.620 And you just start to see it freaking boiling.

00:21:31.420 That's so.

00:21:31.880 And that would happen every now and then because hitting on a girl is so scary. 1.00

00:21:35.340 I'm with a lady now. 0.99

00:21:37.260 But in the single days, every now and then you get that devil's spark right in the taint.

00:21:43.100 And it would just work with a girl. 0.99

00:21:44.560 You had the balls. 0.99

00:21:45.120 You had the confidence. 0.99

00:21:45.980 And she ate it up.

00:21:47.100 And then sometimes it fell flat.

00:21:48.540 But it's the same thing with comedy.

00:21:50.300 Every now and then you get that little twinkle of jizz in your eye.

00:21:53.440 And it just works.

00:21:54.240 Yeah.

00:21:56.400 Yeah, man.

00:21:57.640 Those were good stuff, man.

00:21:58.880 And that was also before like a Hinchcliffe day.

00:22:00.940 You know, no one had a phone out.

00:22:02.060 So you saying that was like a magic thing in the moment.

00:22:05.700 That's the point.

00:22:07.380 That's the point.

00:22:08.300 You used to be able to ride the moment.

00:22:10.900 Yes.

00:22:11.500 And now the moment isn't there.

00:22:14.380 No, no, no.

00:22:15.220 You're just worried.

00:22:15.780 The moment is to be something that is to be either monetized later or judged later.

00:22:25.020 Yep.

00:22:25.540 Or the moment is, the moment doesn't exist really.

00:22:28.960 That's true.

00:22:29.640 Like the value of it.

00:22:30.820 I don't know.

00:22:31.660 What is it?

00:22:32.000 I'm trying to think about it.

00:22:32.800 I know exactly what you mean.

00:22:33.960 It was a weird spark in the air between you and this group at that time.

00:22:38.980 Yeah.

00:22:39.260 And then it's gone.

00:22:41.140 And that's really what comedy was kind of like.

00:22:43.400 I know.

00:22:43.860 Yeah.

00:22:44.240 Bill Burr talked about he went to that Chappelle compound and he said, all the phones are locked

00:22:49.460 up. 1.00

00:22:49.760 And he just said crazy shit. 1.00

00:22:51.560 And he forgot like, oh, this is what it used to be. 1.00

00:22:53.780 Wow.

00:22:54.300 And it hit him.

00:22:54.940 You know, like how much standup has changed and how it's all video and Daniel Tosh makes

00:22:58.700 a joke.

00:22:59.120 It's on the news, you know, and that's not supposed to be it.

00:23:02.120 It's supposed to be in a basement and just right here, right now.

00:23:05.460 Yeah.

00:23:05.700 Dude, I remember John Mayer one time who, who's so talented.

00:23:13.680 He like, he's like, his brain is like a brain I'm way jealous of.

00:23:16.580 Really?

00:23:17.260 Yeah.

00:23:17.500 He just has that like, I mean, it's like, he just has a, just a gifted, he's gifted in

00:23:24.680 that fricking top sack, you know what I'm saying?

00:23:27.400 But he, um, he got on stage one night at the comedy store, right? 0.93

00:23:31.600 And he did some jokes and it was good.

00:23:33.740 It was good stuff.

00:23:34.720 It was smart.

00:23:35.900 And it's him.

00:23:36.760 You got to hear his voice.

00:23:37.620 You got to hear him think like kind of see how he thinks a little.

00:23:41.220 And then I want to say it was a few days later.

00:23:46.620 Oh, he talked about on stage.

00:23:47.920 He goes, it's interesting because I can talk about things tonight, but it's, but I can't

00:23:52.480 really talk about things.

00:23:53.460 He's like, cause I make a joke tonight, something in this moment, three days from now, I'm having

00:23:58.880 a sandwich with my mom somewhere, two weeks from now, um, sitting down to dinner with a

00:24:03.520 friend and this is going to pop up on something's going to pop up on TMZ and they're going to

00:24:08.220 have framed it how they want.

00:24:09.600 And it's going to ruin that moment for me completely.

00:24:12.680 Um, and I just felt, I just remembered, I remembered also just thinking what it was like

00:24:17.000 if you were already so famous in one thing that you couldn't even try something else.

00:24:20.620 I know.

00:24:21.160 And the crazy thing is everybody loves the moment.

00:24:24.460 Everybody wants the moment, but a couple of queefs have to ruin it for everything. 1.00

00:24:28.000 And now we can't have these moments.

00:24:29.660 Yeah.

00:24:30.140 Queef Latina, dude. 0.59

00:24:31.360 Yeah.

00:24:32.300 That was my improv group in college.

00:24:35.120 No, no, I'm just kidding.

00:24:36.620 But, uh, it's true.

00:24:38.600 Queef Latina. 0.88

00:24:40.000 That's the name of the ep right there.

00:24:41.480 Yeah, it is.

00:24:42.260 Look, look, real facts.

00:24:46.740 The holiday's coming up.

00:24:47.800 Pumpkin time coming up.

00:24:49.220 Everybody coming up, coming up.

00:24:51.100 Back it up, back it up.

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00:27:39.480 Your granddaddy's getting old. 1.00

00:27:40.820 Get him that tremor, man. 1.00

00:27:41.900 Trem his old ass up. 0.99

00:27:43.940 You want him looking shorn for the Lord, don't you? 0.99

00:27:47.340 Treat each other well.

00:27:49.460 Woo.

00:27:50.240 Yeah, but everybody likes the moment. 1.00

00:27:52.620 But a couple people keep ruining shit. 0.99

00:27:55.580 It's funny. 1.00

00:27:56.360 It's funny.

00:27:56.980 Do we?

00:27:57.480 Do we?

00:27:59.020 It's interesting to think about because I never really squared it down to that's what it is.

00:28:02.220 That's what's not available.

00:28:03.300 That's what's not, it's just not, man, I can't understand what I'm trying to say.

00:28:14.040 I know what you mean.

00:28:15.180 I'm trying to be supportive.

00:28:16.400 I think that's why these YouTube videos, these YouTube specials are so cool because it feels

00:28:20.420 kind of like real, I know you're doing a Netflix, congrats.

00:28:24.220 Well, I'm envious though, honestly, because you're YouTube.

00:28:27.260 I was talking to your agent a couple of weeks ago, actually.

00:28:29.680 Oh, really?

00:28:30.080 Yeah, and he loves you absolutely, and he should, but the one thing we were talking about was

00:28:35.740 he mentioned that, he said, well, you know what's really happening right now is Mark Norman's

00:28:42.100 special is really popping, and I think that was a, he'd never used that word before, and

00:28:47.200 I could tell when he said it, okay, but anyway, he said, no, he was just really like, you know,

00:28:53.040 he said it's really doing something for him.

00:28:55.240 I mean, I even noticed you're adding, you're adding afternoon shows now.

00:28:58.520 Yeah, yeah, that felt good.

00:29:00.420 Do you feel like this is something that has, this has been like a real mover of the sticks

00:29:06.600 for you?

00:29:07.520 The YouTube?

00:29:08.700 The YouTube special, yeah.

00:29:09.520 Oh, 100%, game changer.

00:29:10.860 I mean, I couldn't get a thing cooking, nobody would have me, and then I put that out and

00:29:14.420 it did well, and people were like, oh, who's this guy? 0.98

00:29:16.960 I'm like, I'm the same fucking guy. 0.92

00:29:18.520 That's the special I tried to give you, HBO or Oxygen or whoever. 0.99

00:29:23.200 Whatever, and they all said, no dice, dickless, and then you put it on YouTube and they're

00:29:28.720 all in.

00:29:29.840 And now, do they want to buy it or no?

00:29:31.580 Have they been actually, well, I guess it's already out, but has there been?

00:29:34.740 Now there's talk of like, what's the next thing? 0.98

00:29:37.040 And I'm like, ah, it sucks. 1.00

00:29:38.420 Some people have just proved themselves where other people just get shit. 1.00

00:29:42.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:29:42.840 Well, that's Judaism you're talking about. 0.94

00:29:44.620 But we're not saying that.

00:29:46.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:46.680 But it's obviously, it's written down somewhere.

00:29:48.880 But no, I agree with you, man.

00:29:50.980 It's like, but then also, it's like, I used to think that way, man.

00:29:55.720 And I think sometimes I still probably do, but then it's like, I noticed I used to want

00:30:02.200 stuff when I wasn't really ready for it.

00:30:05.820 Oh, that's every comic.

00:30:08.320 We want it all.

00:30:09.000 Yeah, you're like four years in, dude.

00:30:10.720 You're like going first on a show that Bill Burr is supposed to pop in at. 1.00

00:30:17.020 And you're just like, fuck, man. 0.99

00:30:19.140 I should be where he is. 1.00

00:30:20.800 Oh, yeah.

00:30:21.820 Valenzuela was our dad's name, Richie.

00:30:24.180 You know, like you're up there just like, you're quoting La Bamba.

00:30:26.940 Like, you're into it.

00:30:28.000 Yeah.

00:30:29.300 But it's not true.

00:30:30.320 And then it all happens when it's kind of supposed to happen, I think.

00:30:33.700 I agree, yeah.

00:30:34.720 And that's the, everybody goes, what advice do you have to young comics? 1.00

00:30:38.220 It's, no, you suck. 0.99

00:30:39.740 No, you're not ready. 1.00

00:30:40.680 You think you're ready, but you're not.

00:30:42.080 And get better.

00:30:43.180 Yeah.

00:30:43.360 Because you think you're there, but you're not there. 0.99

00:30:45.020 It's like when the fat guy goes, I should be fucking Heidi Klum. 1.00

00:30:47.600 And you're like, why would she fuck you? 1.00

00:30:48.860 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:49.240 But you got to get there.

00:30:51.020 Yeah, you got to get there.

00:30:51.820 You got to get outdoors.

00:30:52.620 You got to walk.

00:30:53.280 You got to get your breathing up.

00:30:54.540 You got to really, you got to change that shirt.

00:30:56.680 Yeah.

00:30:57.040 You know?

00:30:57.440 Yeah, yeah.

00:30:58.040 But that's crazy.

00:31:00.480 You're adding, has this happened before?

00:31:02.260 I mean, I know it's, I know it's been kind of happening, but like, has it been like, like,

00:31:06.020 what have you noticed?

00:31:06.880 What has been some things that have been different?

00:31:08.720 Well, the social media goes up and then people, it's almost like high school where you, no

00:31:13.640 one really talked to you.

00:31:14.460 Then you get a cool car and they're kind of like, hey, well, come eat lunch with us there.

00:31:18.340 Yeah.

00:31:18.580 And I'm like, oh, oh, wow.

00:31:19.980 Okay.

00:31:20.340 And it's nice.

00:31:21.080 But you got to, that's what's cool about standup or any art form, I guess, is you got

00:31:25.960 to stay funny.

00:31:26.640 You got to stay good.

00:31:27.900 You know, you can't just join the cool kid table and then just not change.

00:31:32.080 You got to still keep progressing, I think.

00:31:33.900 Right.

00:31:34.360 It's a meritocracy, kind of.

00:31:36.500 What does that mean?

00:31:37.040 What does it mean, a meritocracy?

00:31:38.000 Like, good quality stuff wins instead of just being the hot guy, the popular guy.

00:31:45.060 It's actually, you know, like sports are a meritocracy.

00:31:47.820 The guy who made the most touchdowns, they win.

00:31:50.580 Right.

00:31:51.280 You know?

00:31:52.140 Yeah, I remember being real jealous or like when I was doing comedy earlier of certain

00:31:57.920 guys and be like, man, they, and then it's like, now it's like, I'm grateful to be where

00:32:02.820 I'm at.

00:32:03.380 Yeah.

00:32:04.220 You got to be grateful.

00:32:05.280 Because how many of those E! 0.89

00:32:07.360 True Hollywood, MTV Unplugged, where they go, I'm a millionaire, I live in a mansion, 0.86

00:32:11.960 I'm banging a supermodel, my kid is in the honor roll, and they're still miserable.

00:32:17.300 Yeah.

00:32:17.520 So you got to, everything, the fact that I sold out these shows and I'm adding shows,

00:32:21.580 I'm like, oh my God, I'm happy here for the rest of my life.

00:32:24.240 This is great.

00:32:24.920 I never thought I'd be here.

00:32:26.400 That's cool, man.

00:32:27.360 You got to be grateful.

00:32:28.320 Yeah.

00:32:28.980 It's so deserved for you too, man.

00:32:30.440 I mean, you've always been like the funniest guy.

00:32:32.660 Oh, I don't know about that.

00:32:34.520 Have you seen Earthquake?

00:32:36.940 Actually, dude, Earthquake kills.

00:32:38.700 Beast kills.

00:32:40.180 Some of the guys I never want to follow, I'll name them.

00:32:42.240 Yeah.

00:32:42.420 Andrew Schultz, the first time I saw him, I was like, I never want to follow that guy.

00:32:48.580 He can really own a room, that guy.

00:32:50.080 Yeah.

00:32:50.360 He's on the stool and they're just sitting on every word he's saying.

00:32:54.040 Yeah, and I haven't seen him in a few years.

00:32:55.380 This was like when he was, this was before he broke, you know, before he was like getting

00:32:58.460 real popular.

00:32:59.400 Yeah.

00:33:00.660 But Earthquake was one.

00:33:03.740 Oh, yeah.

00:33:04.580 And Chris D'Elia was really, really hard to follow.

00:33:07.900 Sure, that's what I remember.

00:33:08.820 It was really hard to follow.

00:33:10.120 God, it was hard.

00:33:11.020 And DeStefano is really hard to follow, man.

00:33:12.720 So funny, so funny.

00:33:14.420 And also, it's just, it's different, like, how it flows, kind of.

00:33:18.560 So, have you set your YouTube into clips as well?

00:33:21.860 Have you put it into clips?

00:33:22.840 Okay.

00:33:23.060 You got to have the clips.

00:33:23.840 Yeah.

00:33:24.320 The clips are bite-sized.

00:33:26.040 They bring people in.

00:33:26.740 They go, what's this from?

00:33:27.500 Then they watch the whole thing.

00:33:28.960 Yeah.

00:33:29.480 And you know how it is.

00:33:30.380 They say social media is like an IV drip.

00:33:32.320 You just got to keep going.

00:33:33.380 Yeah.

00:33:33.660 You want to take the day off, but put something else up.

00:33:35.760 And you own it.

00:33:36.440 You own your special.

00:33:37.080 Oh, yeah.

00:33:38.340 See, that's what makes me mad.

00:33:40.480 It really does.

00:33:42.200 Really?

00:33:42.660 Yeah.

00:33:42.780 You could do it.

00:33:43.240 You could do one tomorrow.

00:33:45.360 Maybe in a year.

00:33:46.060 Maybe in, like, six months I could.

00:33:47.500 I got to get some more material.

00:33:48.460 But, yes.

00:33:49.060 There's no money in it.

00:33:51.280 Right.

00:33:51.700 But, so, let's say you have, I think, are you getting close to $10 million on there?

00:33:55.200 $8 million?

00:33:55.880 $7.5 million.

00:33:56.740 Okay.

00:33:56.960 Yeah, so we're getting there.

00:33:58.500 What do you make on $10 million views, do you think?

00:34:01.440 Well, accumulated, you get a check every month.

00:34:04.000 So, depending on the month, it might be $1,000, it might be $3,000.

00:34:07.400 So, I've already made, because Comedy Central wouldn't take it, and they pay $30,000.

00:34:11.320 Really?

00:34:11.820 And I've already gone way beyond that.

00:34:13.880 So, I was crushed when they didn't buy it. 1.00

00:34:15.620 But now I'm like, fuck you. 1.00

00:34:17.180 I've made more, and I own it. 1.00

00:34:18.840 Yeah.

00:34:19.460 Blow me, CC. 1.00

00:34:20.920 Also, yeah. 1.00

00:34:21.620 Also, fuck them. 1.00

00:34:22.800 Yeah! 1.00

00:34:23.200 What did Schumer used to say?

00:34:24.940 She used to always say, since we're both right here, right now, you could give Comedy Central

00:34:28.860 a gold brick, and they would bronze it.

00:34:30.920 Ooh, that's good.

00:34:32.980 That's what she used to say.

00:34:34.060 Man.

00:34:34.220 I think she stiffed them for the last year of her show, I think.

00:34:36.620 I think so.

00:34:37.220 I think she was probably supposed to be in a show. 1.00

00:34:39.940 Yeah, she's got balls. 1.00

00:34:41.700 Dude, she's got some frickin' hard balls on the top, too. 1.00

00:34:45.160 Nice ones, huh? 0.99

00:34:45.900 Yeah, you banged her. 1.00

00:34:47.160 I mean, I don't know about that, but I mean, I definitely, we, I, you know, I have, I knew

00:34:53.400 her well at a certain point.

00:34:55.520 Yeah.

00:34:56.000 She's a good, we got a real beetle crawling on the ceiling here. 1.00

00:34:58.760 Watch out, everybody.

00:34:59.560 Can we get a shot of that, Spence?

00:35:01.340 Yeah.

00:35:01.980 Yeah, maybe get it with your phone at least, Spence, or what I have, but just get it from

00:35:04.340 there if you don't mind.

00:35:05.820 I want to be honest about everything that happens in here.

00:35:08.120 I like it.

00:35:08.740 I respect it.

00:35:09.340 I like the between two ferns, too.

00:35:11.160 You got a, and you got the impeachment curtain behind you.

00:35:14.140 Oh, yeah, definitely.

00:35:15.520 This is impeachment.

00:35:18.100 Woo! 0.99

00:35:19.300 Oh, this is definitely, like, if they had a Civil War draft room.

00:35:23.140 Yes.

00:35:23.960 Like, if Norv Turner were frickin' picking infantrymen, this would be it, though.

00:35:28.960 Like, if Frederick Douglass was putting together his fantasy team.

00:35:32.540 Right.

00:35:32.980 Dude, I used to have these dreams that I was doing, uh, Undercover Boss, right?

00:35:37.580 But during slavery, right?

00:35:38.800 So I'd have these dreams.

00:35:39.800 Ooh, that's a great sketch.

00:35:41.140 Oh.

00:35:42.380 It was so.

00:35:43.080 SNL's gonna steal that one. 0.99

00:35:44.760 I'd be like, hey, what do we, do we have to work today, guys?

00:35:48.320 And somebody would be like, no, and I'd, like, write it down.

00:35:50.520 Ha, ha, ha.

00:35:51.700 Like, I just remember having these crazy dreams.

00:35:54.140 And Lilac was my name.

00:35:55.860 Lilac.

00:35:56.540 That's nice.

00:35:57.940 It's a flower.

00:35:58.960 Yeah, Tuskegee.

00:36:01.780 That was something.

00:36:02.640 Pretty good.

00:36:03.200 The airman.

00:36:04.100 Yes.

00:36:05.240 Man, you ever think about war?

00:36:06.820 I don't know if we could do it. 0.99

00:36:08.840 I mean, we could go out there and shit in a hole and peel potatoes and do some push-ups, 0.99

00:36:13.840 but in those trenches with a machine gun, bullets whizzin'. 0.99

00:36:18.460 Yeah.

00:36:18.760 Woo! 0.99

00:36:19.340 Those guys were tough.

00:36:21.300 Yeah, you know what's left a lot of our, what's left us has really been a lot of that toughness.

00:36:27.040 Yeah, because life was precious.

00:36:28.440 It was flimsy.

00:36:29.300 Like, you might get drafted.

00:36:30.360 You're 18, 19. 0.98

00:36:31.700 You might go off to Germany and die and never come back. 0.96

00:36:34.840 Yeah, polio. 0.99

00:36:35.920 Yes!

00:36:36.100 I mean, there's just so many things.

00:36:37.380 It was, everything was life and death. 0.99

00:36:39.220 The fucking, the bombs with Russia, with the alarms going off. 1.00

00:36:43.200 You had to get under your desk, and now we're worried about Latinx, you know? 1.00

00:36:47.460 Like, we have so few problems.

00:36:49.140 We gotta focus on, what's that pronoun, you know?

00:36:52.640 Yeah, huh?

00:36:53.240 You gotta make up stuff.

00:36:54.420 Oh, somebody dropped a her over there, I heard.

00:36:57.100 Yeah.

00:36:57.860 Back then, it was like, we might die tomorrow.

00:37:00.500 Yeah, I think I miss, like, it just used to be different.

00:37:04.500 And I don't know if, I don't know, I just don't even, you almost feel like such a pawn

00:37:12.600 now, even if you don't want to, I feel like.

00:37:15.300 Do you ever feel like that?

00:37:16.300 Pawn, who's playing?

00:37:17.300 Just a pawn, not even, and just in, like, a lot of it is just electronica.

00:37:22.240 Just how much it's like, you know, people are like, I don't want to be tracked, you

00:37:26.860 know, I don't want my website.

00:37:28.080 Oh, yeah.

00:37:28.240 But then, like, they'll be at the CVS and enter their phone number to get, like, 6%.

00:37:32.540 It's just, like, there's no escaping.

00:37:36.060 The machine.

00:37:37.160 Yeah.

00:37:37.500 We're all in it.

00:37:39.260 It's scary.

00:37:39.980 You know, people have an iPhone.

00:37:41.040 They go, I can't get this.

00:37:42.060 They'll track me.

00:37:42.960 I'm like, you got an iPhone.

00:37:44.260 They got your GPS.

00:37:45.340 They got your satellite right there. 1.00

00:37:46.840 Yeah, you're fucked. 1.00

00:37:47.720 You're fucked. 1.00

00:37:48.280 We're all in it. 1.00

00:37:49.000 And you can't not be in it.

00:37:50.800 Right, that's the thing.

00:37:51.700 You can't not be in it.

00:37:52.720 They're good. 0.96

00:37:53.460 They got us by the balls, these guys. 0.98

00:37:55.260 They got us by the short and curly. 0.99

00:37:56.500 And do you think they are a real group?

00:37:59.360 Do you think?

00:38:00.040 This is, like, I think where a lot of people, you either go in this way or you owe in Benjamin.

00:38:07.520 You know, it's like, who has a new documentary out, too.

00:38:10.180 Is that right?

00:38:10.600 Yep.

00:38:10.820 And I do want to support it.

00:38:12.040 And he sent me a link to it, man.

00:38:13.680 And it is really interesting.

00:38:16.020 Interesting.

00:38:16.900 He sent me a link, you know, and I literally watched 40 minutes of it. 0.99

00:38:21.320 Damn. 0.99

00:38:21.920 That's pretty good. 0.99

00:38:22.660 40 minutes is tough nowadays.

00:38:24.960 Yeah.

00:38:25.180 I mean, we got Squid Game to get after, you know?

00:38:27.740 Oh.

00:38:28.660 I'm in the last episode, man.

00:38:30.320 And I can't even get hard anymore. 1.00

00:38:32.960 Your dick's a squid. 1.00

00:38:34.180 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:38:34.740 That's killing me, man.

00:38:36.240 I'm about to blow ink out of it.

00:38:40.000 But, yeah, yeah.

00:38:40.840 I think, well, I think this is the scary part.

00:38:42.580 I don't want to get all conspiracy Alex Jones QE on you, but.

00:38:46.160 No, it's interesting.

00:38:47.220 It is.

00:38:47.560 Because something feels weird.

00:38:48.760 Something's weird.

00:38:49.920 Suicide is up.

00:38:50.860 Anxiety is up.

00:38:51.720 Depression's up.

00:38:52.780 It's the corporations.

00:38:53.780 They've got us.

00:38:54.160 And those used to be your thing.

00:38:55.580 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:56.640 Yeah, right?

00:38:58.020 Yeah.

00:38:58.500 Now everybody's doing it.

00:38:59.960 But the corporations are winning.

00:39:03.020 That's kind of the new religion. 0.96

00:39:04.420 That's kind of the.

00:39:05.060 We talk about Biden and the president.

00:39:06.760 It's all the corporate.

00:39:07.560 They're the ones in power.

00:39:08.620 Oh, yeah.

00:39:08.960 So I forgot my point, but their suicide is up.

00:39:13.980 So we talk about how we care about mental health.

00:39:15.880 We care about people's lives.

00:39:16.760 But if the corporations are making money, I think that'll just win.

00:39:20.940 Yeah.

00:39:21.540 That'll beat.

00:39:22.400 No one will care about the kids killing themselves if the corporations are still thriving.

00:39:26.560 Yeah.

00:39:27.300 They don't pay taxes.

00:39:28.280 It's crazy.

00:39:29.740 The whole system is crazy.

00:39:31.300 You can't help but start to feel, I think.

00:39:33.200 It used to feel like being human meant a little more, I think.

00:39:37.940 Yo, yeah.

00:39:38.840 Wait, now we have two bugs that are meeting.

00:39:40.740 And there's one over there, too.

00:39:41.840 Holy hell.

00:39:43.320 Man.

00:39:43.820 And we just got it sprayed in here, didn't we? 1.00

00:39:45.840 Damn. 0.99

00:39:47.620 Who did the spraying? 1.00

00:39:48.740 We got to fire that guy.

00:39:52.060 Man.

00:39:52.840 Wow. 1.00

00:39:53.660 If these guys start fucking. 1.00

00:39:56.320 That one, definitely. 1.00

00:40:00.100 Oh, boy. 0.92

00:40:00.760 Oh, if they do sex, man, then this is going to be pretty good. 0.87

00:40:06.500 Yeah, let's go viral.

00:40:07.640 We don't have that on.

00:40:08.380 I mean, yeah, we don't have it on tape, but I'll get it.

00:40:11.180 We got to get a.

00:40:12.400 We'll just, we could edit.

00:40:13.360 We could find something.

00:40:14.460 Yeah.

00:40:15.260 We'll edit it in.

00:40:16.600 But are they about to meet up?

00:40:18.220 Yeah, I think so.

00:40:19.260 This is a hot date. 1.00

00:40:20.560 We got to get a release for them if they're going to fuck. 1.00

00:40:22.820 This is a drug deal? 1.00

00:40:24.780 Oh. 1.00

00:40:25.120 Oh, damn. 0.99

00:40:26.260 Man, that was a handoff if I ever seen it. 1.00

00:40:27.920 Yeah, it sure was, huh?

00:40:29.680 Man.

00:40:29.940 Somebody caught that fentanyl and just hit the road, Jack, huh?

00:40:33.580 Well, if it is fentanyl, then you don't have to worry about the exterminator because they'll

00:40:36.860 be dead. 0.94

00:40:37.440 Yeah, hopefully it is, man. 0.99

00:40:39.400 Yeah, fentanyl is killing everybody.

00:40:41.400 Yeah, it's just weird, man.

00:40:42.360 You can't even do cocaine.

00:40:43.360 It's just everything feels tainted a little bit.

00:40:46.520 Yeah.

00:40:47.360 It's kooky times, man.

00:40:49.380 Do you really feel like, sometimes I can't feel, it's like, am I just alone in feeling

00:40:52.920 that way?

00:40:53.240 Or does everybody feel like things seem weird?

00:40:55.240 I think we do because we're a little older now.

00:40:58.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:58.500 And I think young people just grew up with this shit and it's normal, but I saw a day 1.00

00:41:04.160 before, you know, Pornhub. 1.00

00:41:06.680 Yeah.

00:41:07.020 And it might have been a better time.

00:41:09.200 But then I think, do I sound like the old guy who's like, oh, you're out of touch, man?

00:41:13.760 I'm like, maybe I am out of touch, but I don't know.

00:41:16.780 Life felt more normal before.

00:41:18.380 We're too tuned in.

00:41:19.420 We know all of the news story.

00:41:21.620 I know everything about the Taliban. 1.00

00:41:23.400 I can see anal gaping and I can buy socks in one sitting. 0.99

00:41:29.220 Yeah. 0.99

00:41:29.400 It's a lot.

00:41:31.100 Yeah, it is a lot.

00:41:32.660 It's too, there's no, the imagination, I don't know, my imagination barely even works

00:41:39.160 anymore.

00:41:39.640 Oh yeah, that's out. 0.99

00:41:41.360 I used to use it to jerk off. 0.99

00:41:43.000 Oh yeah. 0.99

00:41:43.580 Forget about that now.

00:41:44.820 That's over.

00:41:45.540 Dude, that's a great point.

00:41:47.400 Yeah.

00:41:47.600 Think about using your imagination.

00:41:49.940 Dude, I remember getting a set of pens, like colorful pens one time for Christmas or something.

00:41:55.600 Birthday or Christmas.

00:41:56.820 Mm-hmm.

00:41:57.460 And dude, somebody give me a little, this dude, Nicky, at our school would draw a piece

00:42:02.500 of cooter for you for the weekend, right?

00:42:04.780 Yeah.

00:42:04.960 Two dollars.

00:42:05.860 Wow, really?

00:42:06.580 Oh, this kid could, bro.

00:42:08.340 The labia and everything, Majora, Menorah. 0.98

00:42:10.720 Oh, dude, the frickin' evil Angora, dog. 0.97

00:42:13.460 He had all of it in there. 0.96

00:42:14.740 Bro, he had the frickin', I mean, you had the frickin'

00:42:17.200 Orion's belt, dude.

00:42:19.140 Sure.

00:42:19.280 You had all this thing, dude.

00:42:20.620 Yeah.

00:42:20.880 The big clitter.

00:42:21.720 Some healthy ladies in there. 1.00

00:42:23.540 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:24.280 Sure.

00:42:24.880 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:25.780 So, there was a lot of good stuff going on in there.

00:42:29.100 He'd sketch that for you for two bucks.

00:42:30.820 Yeah.

00:42:31.000 And you'd have that thing for the weekend.

00:42:32.340 It was like having a girl, you know? 0.99

00:42:33.940 Right.

00:42:34.300 And I remember getting my own set of pens and duplicating his thing one time.

00:42:37.780 Ah.

00:42:38.740 And then kind of having my own deal.

00:42:40.420 But that, yeah, you just used to have your imagination. 0.97

00:42:42.680 I remember, like, drawing tits on a pillow and just calling it Katie, you know? 0.99

00:42:48.120 And then you put your face right in there. 0.98

00:42:50.060 Ah.

00:42:50.700 You used to fluff that pillow.

00:42:52.200 And that was my pillow.

00:42:53.740 Yeah.

00:42:54.720 That was with the days.

00:42:55.520 My friend drew women, too. 1.00

00:42:56.780 And, again, it's like the Amish porn. 1.00

00:42:58.600 But remember, even in a car ride, you'd play 20 Questions or Punch Buggy. 0.96

00:43:02.480 You had to make fun.

00:43:04.220 Right.

00:43:04.520 And now you don't have to make fun, because everybody's just on their phone.

00:43:06.720 Man, everybody's on their phone just doing the same things.

00:43:11.660 It's all just whatever someone who owns whatever the little template is.

00:43:17.480 Mm-hmm.

00:43:18.240 It just, there's no, there's not a lot of even diversity of thoughts.

00:43:22.340 Like, everybody's getting these ads for Untuck It shirts.

00:43:25.240 Right.

00:43:26.560 Right.

00:43:27.320 Yeah.

00:43:27.560 You know?

00:43:27.720 Yeah.

00:43:28.280 Everybody's girlfriend will get them one for Christmas and think it's cute.

00:43:31.400 It just starts.

00:43:32.160 But I do wonder, is that just getting older and that every generation thinks that?

00:43:37.660 I know.

00:43:38.260 Exactly.

00:43:38.540 These kids with their Beatles music and all that, and their televisions and their eight

00:43:42.920 tracks.

00:43:43.660 Like, are we those guys now?

00:43:45.000 Or is this actually a problem?

00:43:47.940 Right.

00:43:48.620 It's hard to know.

00:43:50.500 And if you are, like, 18 or something, you don't know it's a problem anyway.

00:43:54.440 You don't know.

00:43:54.960 You don't know any different.

00:43:56.020 It's just normal.

00:43:57.220 Yeah.

00:43:58.080 Yeah, it's tough.

00:43:58.840 We need to get, like, a little tween in here and ask him.

00:44:01.660 Well, Trevor Wallace is a, he's a, he's mid-20s.

00:44:05.620 Phenom.

00:44:06.100 Oh, he's phenomenal.

00:44:06.800 He's so funny.

00:44:08.180 Great dude.

00:44:09.120 He's a cute twink. 0.95

00:44:10.400 But he, oh, you take him to, you take him to a gay area where the men with money, bidding 1.00

00:44:18.060 war.

00:44:19.000 You got that right.

00:44:19.940 Oh.

00:44:20.780 I mean, he is adorable.

00:44:22.240 Oh, he is definitely, there he is right there.

00:44:24.800 Look at him.

00:44:25.240 Oh, come on. 0.87

00:44:26.900 Out of hair, out of place.

00:44:28.060 He looks all German.

00:44:30.560 Cute.

00:44:31.260 He's Jewish, too, I think.

00:44:32.440 What?

00:44:33.500 Wow.

00:44:33.740 T-wall, baby. 0.99

00:44:34.840 But he could be anything.

00:44:36.060 The guy is so hilarious.

00:44:36.900 I'm going to unfollow him now, but.

00:44:38.940 Yeah, he could be anything.

00:44:40.320 But here's one thing that was interesting.

00:44:42.100 One night, he was talking and he said, dude, he's like, movies, man, like, they're so long.

00:44:49.080 Yes, yes.

00:44:49.700 And I was like, what do you mean?

00:44:50.460 And he's like, bro, me and my friends, we can't sit through a movie.

00:44:53.700 That's wild.

00:44:53.940 Like, it seems insane.

00:44:55.720 That's wild.

00:44:56.180 And you can't blame him.

00:44:57.560 No.

00:44:58.020 But when it rained outside, you popped that VHS in, you watched Roger Rabbit, and you loved

00:45:02.580 it.

00:45:02.980 And there were no interruption.

00:45:05.060 Yes.

00:45:05.200 Nothing could interrupt you.

00:45:06.700 And it was like, maybe the phone would ring once.

00:45:09.140 Right, right.

00:45:10.400 There was no fentanyl in the film.

00:45:12.900 There was no.

00:45:14.240 You weren't going to get a text message.

00:45:15.740 It was a different time.

00:45:16.840 It was a different time.

00:45:17.600 I'll try to show my girl, she's younger than me.

00:45:20.680 Oh, that's nice.

00:45:21.600 Is it hard, though, to not make mistakes and say things that make you sound old?

00:45:25.700 Oh, all the time.

00:45:26.480 I'm just giving up.

00:45:27.440 I'm the old guy.

00:45:28.160 I can't get it up.

00:45:29.340 But, I mean, she can't.

00:45:31.640 I'll be like, you got to watch Jaws.

00:45:33.180 She's like, this is the most boring thing I've ever seen.

00:45:34.940 I'm like, this was a huge movie.

00:45:36.300 This is a classic.

00:45:37.220 She's like, I can't do it.

00:45:38.780 Godfather, forget about it.

00:45:40.080 Yeah.

00:45:41.260 She's watching TikTok, and then she'll wait for something to happen in Jaws. 0.99

00:45:45.160 Yes.

00:45:45.480 And then she'll go back to TikTok when they're just swimming on the beach.

00:45:50.500 Yeah, it's almost like, it's just, yeah.

00:45:54.560 It's tough, man.

00:45:55.380 If you'd go on a date with a younger girl, I went on a date, and she said, well, what music?

00:45:59.620 Put on some music.

00:46:00.460 I was like, all right, cool.

00:46:01.640 Uh-oh.

00:46:02.460 And I used Apple Music, and she's like, how old are you?

00:46:07.260 That's old now?

00:46:08.740 Apple?

00:46:08.900 That's old.

00:46:09.420 Apple Music.

00:46:09.480 I was impressed with Apple.

00:46:10.860 Me too, but I think it's Spotify.

00:46:12.460 I mean, I think it's just Spotify. 0.99

00:46:14.320 Oh, damn. 0.99

00:46:15.540 You know? 1.00

00:46:16.320 I don't even like auto tunes.

00:46:17.680 What do you use, Spence?

00:46:18.880 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:19.360 Ah, shit. 1.00

00:46:21.280 Damn. 1.00

00:46:21.700 I've been using Napster. 0.99

00:46:23.700 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:24.240 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:46:25.140 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:46:25.940 I haven't said that word in 25 years, by the way. 1.00

00:46:28.420 That came right out of my asshole with cobwebs on it. 1.00

00:46:30.840 I like it. 1.00

00:46:31.760 Remember Napster, bro?

00:46:33.020 That was big.

00:46:33.740 Remember Zillow?

00:46:34.720 No, not Zillow.

00:46:36.540 There was one with a Z. 1.00

00:46:38.260 Shit. 1.00

00:46:38.620 It was green, and it came with all kinds of viruses. 1.00

00:46:42.320 Oh. 1.00

00:46:43.360 Damn. 0.99

00:46:43.960 Maybe it wasn't a Z. 0.99

00:46:47.820 Rip.

00:46:48.340 There was current.

00:46:50.160 Oh, yeah.

00:46:50.900 Rip current.

00:46:52.040 Lime?

00:46:53.260 No, that's good.

00:46:54.000 Lime wire?

00:46:54.880 Lime wire was something.

00:46:55.700 That was something, yeah.

00:46:56.740 What was that?

00:46:58.100 That was like Napster.

00:47:00.400 That was big.

00:47:01.260 Remember, you're like, oh, my God.

00:47:02.260 I found Oasis on here.

00:47:04.540 Yeah.

00:47:04.940 Yeah.

00:47:05.200 It would take you four hours.

00:47:07.460 You finally found Wonderwall for free.

00:47:09.360 Yeah.

00:47:09.640 And you already owned it.

00:47:10.900 And it took a week to download it.

00:47:13.280 Napster.

00:47:13.780 I wonder what ever happened to the Napster guy.

00:47:15.580 He would be a great guest on a podcast.

00:47:17.240 Oh, yeah.

00:47:18.320 And is he rich?

00:47:19.080 Is he living under a bridge?

00:47:20.400 Is he suicidal?

00:47:21.400 What's going on?

00:47:22.600 Yeah.

00:47:23.460 Yeah, yeah.

00:47:24.100 I remember watching, looking at porn, and my friend was like, we should print it out.

00:47:28.540 So he used all his dad's printer ink, and he was going, ree, ree, ree. 0.97

00:47:32.200 And then we'd print it out, and we'd have to peel that bullshit holes off the side, you 0.95

00:47:35.820 know, perforated or whatever. 0.93

00:47:38.500 And I would keep it in my pocket, and I remember mowing the lawn at my grandmother's house.

00:47:41.960 And every now and then, I'd go, all right.

00:47:44.280 And then I'd go back to mowing the lawn.

00:47:45.880 Still got it.

00:47:46.760 Still got it.

00:47:47.700 God.

00:47:49.060 Do you notice your ego changing any as you get a little bit more kind of like, do you?

00:47:53.760 Because ego is a weird thing.

00:47:55.100 Ego is like a thing that happens without our even. 0.99

00:47:58.380 It's this crazy monkey that lives inside of you. 0.97

00:48:01.120 Totally. 0.98

00:48:01.960 You know?

00:48:02.580 Do you notice yourself?

00:48:03.800 Do you have any kind of moments where you start to notice your own behavior is changing

00:48:07.800 or not?

00:48:08.240 You may not.

00:48:08.820 It's a great question.

00:48:09.700 I think with some comics, like the guy inside you, the little gnome that lives inside you, 0.90

00:48:15.000 he's such a loser and an insecure dweeb that I'll never be able to be, you know, like 1.00

00:48:22.040 Chappelle, you can tell he kind of knows he's hot shit. 1.00

00:48:25.300 And I think what changed for me is the comfort. 0.99

00:48:27.940 You know, you go, hey, I flew this level, Delta Comfort.

00:48:31.560 It's tough to go back.

00:48:32.780 Yeah.

00:48:33.320 You know?

00:48:33.860 Or do you ever have this one?

00:48:35.560 This might have been an L.A. thing, but you do the road, you're killing in some club,

00:48:39.680 you're sold out, all your people are there, gang, gang, they love you.

00:48:42.980 And then you go to some club to do 10 minutes in L.A. or here, and they're kind of like,

00:48:48.040 eh, that wasn't bad.

00:48:48.980 And you're like, what?

00:48:49.420 I've been murdering all week.

00:48:50.640 But they love you.

00:48:51.960 They know you.

00:48:52.500 And then here, you're just another comic.

00:48:53.980 Yeah.

00:48:54.260 So that's a good check.

00:48:56.820 Yes.

00:48:57.200 Yeah, I agree.

00:48:58.000 That's one good thing about comedy is that there's with the fact that you have to keep

00:49:01.660 practicing that there's those checks, you know?

00:49:03.760 Yeah.

00:49:04.340 You need it.

00:49:05.660 Some things do get a little more comfortable, but I do think you deserve it as a comedian.

00:49:09.300 That's true.

00:49:09.860 Like being able to fly first class or something, it's like at a certain point, it's just like

00:49:14.600 or flying the same airlines, you're able to get the miles and do it that way.

00:49:19.220 Yes.

00:49:19.720 That's one thing Bert Kreischer told me a long time ago.

00:49:21.460 He's like, just fly one airline.

00:49:23.220 I promise you, just fly the same airline.

00:49:25.200 I know, but I'm such a cum guzzler that I'm like, well, the spirit's 11 cents cheaper,

00:49:30.480 so maybe I'll go with that. 0.62

00:49:31.940 And then you're sitting on wicker.

00:49:33.860 Oh, yeah.

00:49:34.600 Brutal.

00:49:35.020 You're eating.

00:49:35.860 Yeah, and you just met her, you know?

00:49:38.280 Yeah.

00:49:38.640 Yeah.

00:49:40.560 Yeah.

00:49:41.100 It's a black girl that wants to be, it's a white girl that wants to be black that also 1.00

00:49:45.820 wants to be outdoor furniture. 0.81

00:49:47.280 Exactly.

00:49:50.820 I saw two dogs fight on a spirit airline one time.

00:49:53.440 Whoa.

00:49:53.800 And I heard the beef in the line when they were doing the check-in ticketing.

00:49:58.100 You could see little, they, you know, you could see them beefing a little, and then they 0.99

00:50:01.780 fucking let them loose. 0.99

00:50:02.680 I, and they were video, I almost think they did it for like a TikTok. 0.99

00:50:06.120 Oh, that's a great TikTok.

00:50:07.580 And Michael Vick's cheering them on.

00:50:09.460 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:09.900 But that's, that just shows that service dogs are bullshit. 0.96

00:50:13.240 There's supposed to be like anxiety and all this, but like, we got two of them fighting. 0.99

00:50:16.760 Yeah.

00:50:17.240 That just increases the anxiety.

00:50:18.980 Oh yeah, this one was definitely, one of them was really white, kind of like lean,

00:50:23.540 but confident, kind of like Jack Shore.

00:50:28.040 I don't know if you're familiar with him.

00:50:28.960 He's a UFC guy, but.

00:50:30.360 No, I don't know Jack.

00:50:31.140 I like UFC, but I don't know Shore.

00:50:33.840 What's the difference?

00:50:34.300 Can you bring him up?

00:50:34.700 A little interracial.

00:50:36.220 There he is right there.

00:50:38.320 Good mate. 0.86

00:50:38.700 I don't know Jack Shore.

00:50:40.060 He just actually, he sent me a jersey.

00:50:41.500 I should have, I should have worn it.

00:50:43.480 I'll wear it next time.

00:50:44.440 What do you know about this Patty, Patty Pemberton?

00:50:46.940 Oh yeah.

00:50:47.240 Or Patty Pemberton? 0.92

00:50:48.260 He's like the Beatles little fricking.

00:50:50.340 He's like, if any of the Beatles looked good, it would be him.

00:50:53.580 Dude.

00:50:54.680 The Beatles were not attractive, right?

00:50:56.980 No.

00:50:57.300 They're British queefs. 1.00

00:50:58.900 I mean, they're, they're ugly. 0.99

00:51:00.020 They're like working class BQs. 0.98

00:51:02.480 Yeah.

00:51:03.180 Oh, there he is.

00:51:03.840 That's Patty Pemberton.

00:51:05.240 Yeah.

00:51:05.460 He's, he's, he's the guy popping right now.

00:51:07.420 Is he going to be Irish?

00:51:08.180 Oh, Patty Pemberton.

00:51:09.560 There he is.

00:51:10.240 Oh yeah.

00:51:11.380 Look at him.

00:51:11.840 He looks like, if you look at that one picture next to Bisping and on the third row, the third

00:51:16.180 picture.

00:51:16.640 Yeah.

00:51:17.180 He looks like a cabbage patch kid, dude. 0.99

00:51:20.040 Who fucking is finally getting revenge for all the people that's hugging him and pissing 1.00

00:51:23.440 on him at night. 0.99

00:51:25.620 Oh, I know I pissed on mine and the wrestling buddies.

00:51:28.260 Oh yeah.

00:51:29.040 Yeah.

00:51:29.740 See, this shows that like confidence and beings like just self-assured goes a long way.

00:51:37.020 The guy's got weird hair.

00:51:38.540 He's a little guy.

00:51:39.460 He's got blue eyes.

00:51:40.420 He's pale, but he looks, he seems cool.

00:51:43.280 He owns it.

00:51:44.700 Well, it's that whole six, nine vibe. 1.00

00:51:46.660 It's that whole thing of like, if I can be confident enough and just say, fuck you, 1.00

00:51:51.000 here I am, then I can win. 0.99

00:51:53.360 But I wonder, does that work for everyone?

00:51:56.240 Good question.

00:51:59.600 That's what I wonder.

00:52:00.900 Yeah.

00:52:01.120 I don't know.

00:52:01.680 I don't know.

00:52:02.440 Like Ted Bundy, they say he was so handsome, so confident.

00:52:05.940 Yeah.

00:52:06.100 He was picking up all these gals in the seventies. 0.99

00:52:08.220 And he did card tricks too.

00:52:09.280 Did you know that?

00:52:09.980 What?

00:52:11.000 I did not know that.

00:52:12.320 Isn't that crazy?

00:52:13.020 Like to hit on a girl?

00:52:13.920 Yeah.

00:52:14.780 Not a bad idea.

00:52:16.500 But you wouldn't think that a murderer would be doing card tricks, I feel like. 1.00

00:52:19.780 It seems like the total, I'm sure like other murderers, like, oh, look at this pussy. 1.00

00:52:24.160 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:24.520 You know?

00:52:25.340 Right.

00:52:25.660 Look at this magician.

00:52:26.680 I know. 0.76

00:52:27.420 Oh, he uses magic to murder? 0.84

00:52:29.880 Boo.

00:52:30.200 What a hack.

00:52:30.860 Yeah, prop guy.

00:52:31.800 Yeah.

00:52:32.320 I think though, I think women will not admit it, but they're turned on by magicians.

00:52:38.260 They won't admit it, but I think ladies are like, oh, that David Blaine, I'll tell you. 1.00

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00:55:53.100 Yeah, I wonder. 0.98

00:55:54.340 I think that falls in with the thing that women wants to be murdered, really. 0.98

00:56:00.180 Ah, I think you got something there. 1.00

00:56:02.500 My lady loves all that murder, like fake, you know, hold you down and put a ski mask on and all that shit. 1.00

00:56:12.000 Brian Laundrie, all that stuff with that man they're looking for. 1.00

00:56:14.720 Everybody, all these chicks want to bang that guy. 1.00

00:56:18.540 Yeah, it's a weird fetish these ladies have. 1.00

00:56:20.880 It's all murder all the time. 0.98

00:56:23.040 They love murder.

00:56:24.280 Do you think that, and also we're not going to have any good murderers anymore.

00:56:27.560 That's done.

00:56:28.460 Oh, that's over.

00:56:30.400 That's, I mean, there's just too much digital footprint.

00:56:34.040 Yeah.

00:56:34.940 I just can't believe Laundrie's still on the lam, even with Dog the N-word bounty hunter on his tail.

00:56:40.200 And he's still out there.

00:56:41.600 He might be dead in a ravine for all I know.

00:56:44.100 I don't know.

00:56:44.860 Well, I think if you've gone that long, I feel like you keep riding it out because you've already, you've already killed.

00:56:53.580 Yeah.

00:56:54.220 You've already been hiding for a month or two.

00:56:56.320 Mm-hmm.

00:56:56.680 Like, I think at that point, if you haven't turned yourself in or taken your life after a couple weeks, I feel like you've gotten into that you're in Vandersloot kind of vibe where you're like, what can I do?

00:57:09.920 What else can I hide?

00:57:12.600 How long can I hide?

00:57:13.720 And what, and it almost seems exciting.

00:57:17.980 Yeah, it's definitely life and death.

00:57:21.400 It's dark, but if you imagine waking up in the morning and you are somebody that is untraceable.

00:57:27.580 Yeah.

00:57:28.700 Nobody can locate you.

00:57:30.340 Uh-huh.

00:57:30.980 Here's what it seems.

00:57:31.760 It seems relaxing.

00:57:33.800 You think so?

00:57:35.000 I would be on edge constantly.

00:57:37.000 I feel like at least you're like, you're not on your phone.

00:57:41.040 You're at least spending time like out in nature probably.

00:57:43.740 Mm-hmm.

00:57:44.000 I feel like you're doing the things that a lot of us need to do.

00:57:45.780 If he didn't do the murder, I would say he could be like a homeopath or something.

00:57:51.380 Right, right.

00:57:52.160 He could open up a thing in Maui. 0.96

00:57:54.680 Yeah, like at CBD shop or some shit. 0.81

00:57:57.260 Yeah, yeah. 0.90

00:57:57.580 Yeah, he's probably sitting in a bar somewhere in Oklahoma with a mustache and shades on, 0.99

00:58:02.800 drinking a beer and going, oh, shit, I'm on the news. 0.99

00:58:05.240 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:05.780 You know, and I bet he's milking it like, how about this fucking psycho, huh? 0.99

00:58:09.500 And the guy next to him is like, I know, right? 1.00

00:58:11.460 Hope they catch that guy. 1.00

00:58:12.600 He's like, yeah, fuck him. 1.00

00:58:13.740 He's probably enjoying it. 1.00

00:58:16.240 And Halloween, he gets to come party too.

00:58:19.940 Right.

00:58:20.660 He can dress up.

00:58:23.140 Every day is Halloween for him.

00:58:24.960 Yeah.

00:58:25.340 But to be able to one night come down from the hills and frickin' let it loose. 0.53

00:58:31.020 Do Jaeger bombs with a frickin' mime. 0.99

00:58:33.940 Right, right.

00:58:35.060 You know, just come down and just party, dude.

00:58:37.300 Yeah. 0.98

00:58:37.660 Piss on a mummy. 1.00

00:58:39.080 Just have fun, man. 0.97

00:58:40.460 Halloween was fun.

00:58:41.400 We got some other good questions.

00:58:44.540 What's something else that popped in here, Spence?

00:58:49.300 This guy's a hunk.

00:58:51.680 Wouldn't it be great if laundry just popped up?

00:58:53.140 Mark Theodore.

00:58:55.260 What's up, fellas?

00:58:56.360 Hey, hey.

00:58:56.760 This is Alex from Birmingham.

00:58:58.660 Big L. 0.59

00:58:59.260 I am just sitting outside listening to the rain because I work from home now, and that's

00:59:04.860 pretty much the excitement of my day.

00:59:06.880 But question from Mark.

00:59:09.100 I was just watching the Chrissy Chaos episode that you were on about five or six months ago,

00:59:15.200 and you were talking about your Seinfeld story, how you were opening up for him, and then

00:59:21.860 COVID hit, and I was just curious what the status of y'all's current relationship is.

00:59:26.500 Have you heard from him in the last five or six months?

00:59:28.680 Are you going to be working with him again in the future?

00:59:33.200 Just curious about that.

00:59:34.580 I'm also a big Seinfeld fan.

00:59:36.480 So, gang, gang. 0.85

00:59:38.160 Theo, I love you.

00:59:39.680 Y'all keep doing your thing, man.

00:59:41.840 Gang, baby. 0.75

00:59:42.320 Love you, too, brother.

00:59:43.020 Thank you.

00:59:44.280 Uh-oh.

00:59:45.720 People love you.

00:59:46.980 People love you.

00:59:48.060 Nah, not my dad.

00:59:49.220 But either way, the Seinfeld thing is crazy because I was a huge fan.

00:59:56.360 I watched it with my parents growing up, and then now to have his phone number is bananas.

01:00:00.520 Yeah.

01:00:01.280 But it's almost like the hot girl.

01:00:03.340 I opened for him one weekend.

01:00:04.560 We did four shows.

01:00:05.640 We went out after.

01:00:06.280 Had wine, had pizza, tiramisu.

01:00:08.460 Best night of my life.

01:00:10.040 And COVID hit, so then everything got weird, and then I kept trying to text him. 0.99

01:00:15.380 It's like a girl you fucked once that you're in love with. 0.99

01:00:18.100 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:00:18.300 The relationship was just kind of distancing, but you try to keep it going with a text, but

01:00:22.360 it's inevitable.

01:00:23.580 It's not going to last.

01:00:24.500 But I'll text him every now and then, and he'll get back to me, so I'll take it.

01:00:28.980 Yeah. 0.97

01:00:29.820 I text him about Norm dying, and he had some cool shit to say. 0.98

01:00:33.000 Oh, that's cool. 0.99

01:00:33.660 Yeah.

01:00:34.120 So, I hate to say it, but sometimes an event happens like that, and you're like, oh, this

01:00:38.200 is a good opportunity to text the big Jew. 0.99

01:00:40.380 Yeah.

01:00:40.940 You got to go BJ on that, dude.

01:00:42.460 Yeah.

01:00:43.140 Yeah.

01:00:43.680 Yeah, exactly.

01:00:44.520 Yeah, it's interesting how if you get somebody's number that's a celebrity or that's popular

01:00:49.600 to you than how nervous you feel.

01:00:52.460 And then you also start to recognize how their lives are so busy that they just, it's not

01:00:57.960 that they don't care anything about you.

01:00:59.760 The friendship just picks back up kind of when you see each other again.

01:01:02.700 Exactly.

01:01:02.940 There's just not as much downtime to communicate.

01:01:06.020 Yeah, completely. 0.98

01:01:07.040 There's just not as much free time as when you were just chilling, and you were fucking 0.60

01:01:11.100 just didn't have anything to do.

01:01:12.780 Yeah, yeah, and he's a little older, so he's not part of that text generator.

01:01:16.020 Like, we'll just text back and forth, and he's, I think he takes a while to get back

01:01:19.920 to you, you know.

01:01:20.920 He's a thinker also.

01:01:22.560 That's true.

01:01:23.980 So, I'm just happy, because you know how much power I have?

01:01:27.600 Just having his, I could give that out.

01:01:29.200 I could call him drunk.

01:01:31.240 I mean, I could do so many bad things, so I'm really trying to be a good little boy with

01:01:35.900 his number.

01:01:36.280 A good number shepherd.

01:01:37.360 Yes, exactly.

01:01:38.660 Yeah.

01:01:39.160 And sometimes you, like, have all the numbers, and then you get drunk and lose one.

01:01:42.920 One runs down the hill, oh, there's a six.

01:01:45.620 Yeah, yeah.

01:01:46.620 I hope no one knows anything.

01:01:48.340 Yeah.

01:01:48.640 Right.

01:01:49.100 I texted him once, drunk, and I never did it again, because his reaction was kind of

01:01:54.600 like, I could tell it was weird.

01:01:55.980 He was weirded out.

01:01:57.280 But he's cool.

01:01:58.220 He's so normal.

01:01:59.000 He's like us.

01:01:59.580 You know, you talk to him, and you're like, oh, you're just a dude.

01:02:02.160 Yeah.

01:02:02.680 And we put him up on this weird pedestal, but he's just like us.

01:02:06.040 Yeah.

01:02:06.680 He's just busier and richer.

01:02:08.820 Yeah, and that's so real.

01:02:10.140 I mean, I think at a certain level of, I think, have you noticed anything different about

01:02:15.200 yourself about making money?

01:02:16.140 Have you started to think anything differently, or do you notice anything different?

01:02:19.700 I grew up so kind of poor that it's kind of baked into me, but I'm trying to enjoy the

01:02:26.120 money a little more.

01:02:27.440 Yeah, well, you get yourself something.

01:02:28.620 We get you a little something.

01:02:29.560 Maybe an extra, you know, thing of socks or something.

01:02:32.200 Yeah.

01:02:32.820 Do a skiing trip?

01:02:33.900 Are you guys, like, is there something nice you're going to do that you kind of are doing?

01:02:37.380 Yeah, me and the lady will go on trips, which I never did.

01:02:40.160 I was like, trips?

01:02:40.820 That's for, you know, Rockefellers. 1.00

01:02:42.600 Yeah.

01:02:42.760 But she's like, no, we should go, and I need her. 0.99

01:02:45.660 It's kind of a yin and yang, a little Andrew Yang, and we can go do shit, because she'll 0.99

01:02:50.320 push me to do it. 0.99

01:02:51.460 Right.

01:02:51.660 And I need that, because it's all coupons in here.

01:02:55.520 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:56.620 You got that coupon heart.

01:02:57.860 Yeah, exactly.

01:02:59.300 Yeah.

01:03:00.340 You got 40% off aortas in there.

01:03:02.580 Yeah.

01:03:02.980 Right.

01:03:03.420 But I'm noticing, I go to your house, or Nate's house, or Tim Dillon's house, or something 1.00

01:03:09.660 like that, and you're like, all right, all right, I got to start enjoying my shit. 0.97

01:03:14.340 Well, also, I live in a place where houses are affordable. 0.99

01:03:16.580 You know, you could, it's like, Nate and I live in a place where houses, you know, if

01:03:21.180 you go to my apartment in LA, it's as big as this, you know, two of these rooms.

01:03:25.000 Oh, okay.

01:03:26.000 So, it's always interesting for me, because I go from having a house here, which is, it's

01:03:29.580 a nice home, to going back to my apartment, which is just totally, it's a nice home,

01:03:33.420 nice apartment.

01:03:34.120 Yeah.

01:03:34.480 You know, it's a, it's a beautiful apartment, but it's like, it's funny, because I'll kind

01:03:39.860 of, it's funny, because I almost sometimes fit easier into that.

01:03:43.240 Like, I know.

01:03:43.860 I hate being in a place where those, I feel like extra space, I can't use it all.

01:03:47.940 Yes.

01:03:48.320 Dude, I remember the first nights I ever stayed at, like, an expensive hotel room,

01:03:52.700 dude.

01:03:53.000 Like a suite?

01:03:53.720 With two rooms.

01:03:54.460 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:03:55.380 Dude, I was like, if I go to bed, I'm wasting the money.

01:03:59.160 Yes, yes.

01:04:00.060 It's like in Castaway, where he's laying on the couch, and he keeps flicking the light

01:04:03.160 on.

01:04:03.520 You don't know what to do with all this technology in this space.

01:04:06.360 It's weird.

01:04:07.400 Yeah.

01:04:07.720 Yeah, so I just stayed up.

01:04:08.840 I was like, at least I might as well stay awake and get the money's worth, right?

01:04:11.460 Get the money's worth.

01:04:11.840 Yeah, totally. 0.95

01:04:12.200 I'm fucking exhausted the next day, but like, feeling like I fucking got my value. 0.95

01:04:16.720 Yeah. 0.97

01:04:16.920 You know?

01:04:17.340 Yeah.

01:04:17.600 I'll tell you where money is good.

01:04:19.440 Everybody thinks, I'll buy a Lamborghini, and I'll buy a mansion, and I'll buy an Escort

01:04:22.760 or whatever, an iPad.

01:04:24.900 The money is good for little things that, like, okay, let's say you go to the airport, 0.96

01:04:30.980 and your flight's delayed, and you're like, ah, shit, I'm just sitting here for like another 0.94

01:04:33.940 six hours now. 0.98

01:04:35.140 Then you can go to the sit-down place at the airport, the restaurant, and actually enjoy

01:04:38.820 a meal.

01:04:39.480 Right.

01:04:39.700 And not stress over it for six weeks.

01:04:42.300 Right.

01:04:42.800 That part's nice.

01:04:43.760 Little things, we can just like, oh, I'll just buy this and not think about it.

01:04:46.900 I forgot my hoodie.

01:04:48.180 I'll go buy one.

01:04:48.960 Right.

01:04:49.360 Little things like that.

01:04:50.720 Yeah, you know what?

01:04:51.640 That's a great point, because I don't think I'd ever get myself anything fancy.

01:04:56.320 No.

01:04:56.380 I got a Ford Ranger truck.

01:04:58.220 Right.

01:04:58.820 You know, I just don't think, I don't know.

01:05:01.840 I just don't think I could fit into it well.

01:05:05.600 Same, same.

01:05:06.460 But then the problem is, we might have kids that end up having money, dude, and then I'm 0.99

01:05:09.680 going to fucking hate them. 0.99

01:05:10.980 That's true. 1.00

01:05:11.880 That's true.

01:05:12.280 Kids need a little struggle. 0.88

01:05:13.700 Nothing worse than a rich kid.

01:05:15.020 Oh.

01:05:15.960 Nightmare.

01:05:16.960 Sometimes, a lot of times anyway.

01:05:18.840 Sometimes there's somebody that breaks the norm.

01:05:20.840 That's true.

01:05:21.640 That's true.

01:05:21.880 But also, the rich was my arch nemesis always.

01:05:24.660 It still is kind of like, some people will be like, well, you make some money now.

01:05:27.400 It's like, but I'll never be rich.

01:05:28.740 Rich is also an attitude.

01:05:30.000 It's an attitude.

01:05:31.080 Yeah, I don't have that either.

01:05:32.220 You know?

01:05:32.740 It's like my dad's going to bail me out.

01:05:35.180 Right, right.

01:05:36.040 You know?

01:05:36.520 Do you know who my father is? 1.00

01:05:37.820 He's going to start throwing money at people and shit. 0.99

01:05:39.760 Yeah, I don't have any of that. 0.99

01:05:41.060 Yeah.

01:05:41.580 Like, my dad has liver spots on his arms, okay?

01:05:44.840 So, he ain't bailing anybody out of anything, dude.

01:05:47.340 Yes.

01:05:47.580 You know?

01:05:48.020 And he's drunk right now. 0.99

01:05:49.300 And he fucking is the one that drove me over here, so. 0.99

01:05:52.500 My dad has the mismatched suit. 0.99

01:05:54.920 You know, the blazer and the pants don't match.

01:05:56.680 It's just like dark blue and then like a gray up top.

01:06:01.000 It's bad.

01:06:01.480 Dude, my dad would get so drunk, dude.

01:06:08.880 He would drive.

01:06:09.640 I guess he would drive home and just kind of crash his car.

01:06:12.060 We had like this kind of like really like slow, like the gradient was real.

01:06:18.400 It was a real like not a heavy gradient getting into the bottom of this ditch.

01:06:21.980 So, he would just kind of ease his car right into the bottom of it.

01:06:24.800 Oh, yeah, yeah. 0.96

01:06:25.460 He'd just kind of fucking just finish out the night.

01:06:29.420 Did you ever go tubing? 0.82

01:06:31.440 Yeah, we went.

01:06:32.440 That was a big deal.

01:06:33.800 We'd go tubing.

01:06:34.700 Where would you guys go?

01:06:35.560 In North of Covington?

01:06:36.240 Would you guys go like?

01:06:37.500 If you said it, I'd know it.

01:06:39.640 On the Boga Falaya?

01:06:40.980 Boga Falaya.

01:06:42.400 Something like that, yeah.

01:06:43.260 Boga Chitta? 0.99

01:06:43.680 Boga Chitta. 0.99

01:06:44.220 That was it.

01:06:44.780 Boga Chitta. 0.99

01:06:45.980 Yeah, we'd go there all the time.

01:06:47.580 And one time I was with a girl.

01:06:49.580 Yeah.

01:06:50.200 Dating a girl.

01:06:51.460 And this is a crazy story.

01:06:53.720 We got, of course, you just drink all day on a tube.

01:06:55.860 Just float in the sun. 0.60

01:06:57.320 We had sex on a sandbar. 0.65

01:06:59.200 Yeah, I've been there. 0.98

01:07:00.440 Yes.

01:07:00.880 Yeah, dude.

01:07:02.060 There it is right there.

01:07:03.460 There it is.

01:07:04.320 Yeah.

01:07:04.600 And you remember you go on a school bus and they give you the tube.

01:07:07.180 It's a whole thing. 0.77

01:07:08.760 But sex on a sandbar.

01:07:10.340 I remember it flopped out and hit the sand. 0.96

01:07:12.260 I put it back in and she was pissed. 1.00

01:07:13.560 Wow.

01:07:14.340 That was an accident.

01:07:15.720 America, dude.

01:07:16.400 That cures rabies.

01:07:17.940 Yeah.

01:07:18.800 Yeah.

01:07:19.680 You know, you need a little grit.

01:07:21.680 And so then we got way too drunk and she had her mom's car and we were driving back 0.61

01:07:27.720 and we had a friend in the back seat and he was like, gun it, gun it.

01:07:31.200 And she gunned it. 0.96

01:07:32.200 And then a turn came up out of nowhere and she turned the wheel and we flipped into a ditch. 0.91

01:07:38.360 You know, we're upside down where you unbuckle the seatbelt and you fall.

01:07:41.580 Still drunk?

01:07:42.400 Still drunk.

01:07:43.020 Oh, yeah.

01:07:43.560 And it's dark out and it's in the middle of the woods.

01:07:46.120 And the cops had to come.

01:07:47.440 They had to get a tow truck to get the car out.

01:07:49.540 Y'all couldn't flip it over?

01:07:50.720 No, no.

01:07:51.380 It was like in that ditch.

01:07:53.420 Like it was fit in there like a cookie and a cookie pin.

01:07:57.200 Yeah.

01:07:57.800 Tin.

01:07:57.900 And so the cop came and I remember she was in a bathing suit still and she was a hot 16-year-old 0.90

01:08:04.240 and her boob was out and her boob was out and you could tell all these fat, you know, Louisiana 1.00

01:08:08.880 cops like, oh, I guarantee and they're fucking wiping their brow. 0.99

01:08:12.400 They're putting blush on. 0.99

01:08:13.400 They're trying not to, but it was a full nip and she was crying and they're like, they're all hard.

01:08:20.700 Yeah, they're loving it and they're like, oh, Willie Ray, get over here, get her information. 0.99

01:08:25.060 And Willie Ray's like, oh shit. 0.99

01:08:26.040 And you watched him notice a tit. 1.00

01:08:27.680 It was fun.

01:08:29.880 We got out of that one.

01:08:31.320 But those were young days when you were 16 and everything just kind of fell into place.

01:08:35.900 It worked out.

01:08:37.580 Yeah, there was something about the pressurelessness of that time.

01:08:41.100 And I think it was just, I don't know if that was society.

01:08:45.100 I think it was just that age.

01:08:46.740 It was like, now I think kids are still just kids.

01:08:50.300 Like the phones and stuff is just part of their thing.

01:08:52.700 Yes, I think you're right.

01:08:53.880 I think you're right.

01:08:54.440 Here's what I hope for.

01:08:56.040 Everybody's all, you know, wokey and annoying and all that. 0.99

01:09:00.400 And I think kids, younger kids see that.

01:09:03.280 And of course, they're going to go the other way.

01:09:04.920 So I think they're going to rebel against that and start saying horrible things again.

01:09:08.520 Yeah.

01:09:09.040 So that's my hope.

01:09:11.260 Yeah, I would like to see a little bit of it.

01:09:13.820 Yeah.

01:09:14.120 Because the woke thing is just impossible.

01:09:16.300 The end of it is, there's no end to it.

01:09:19.520 There's no end.

01:09:20.020 You can't be good at moral enough.

01:09:22.440 Did you see the guy outside of the Sonic the other day?

01:09:25.200 The woman or the man who was saying, they were calling me sir inside.

01:09:29.660 And the guy's like, what do you want me to do?

01:09:32.160 You know, I'm sorry.

01:09:33.380 You know.

01:09:33.940 Oh, no.

01:09:34.440 I haven't seen that.

01:09:34.780 Can we bring that up?

01:09:37.700 Oh, yeah.

01:09:38.300 Yeah, it was.

01:09:40.180 This was unbelievable.

01:09:40.840 Hispanic guy? 0.59

01:09:42.040 Yeah.

01:09:42.240 Your entire staff has been calling me sir.

01:09:44.940 Okay.

01:09:45.820 You want to park?

01:09:47.460 Why don't you tell me what we can do now?

01:09:50.340 No, because I can do the same thing with you.

01:09:52.480 Okay.

01:09:52.840 But your entire staff has been calling me sir the entire time.

01:09:57.380 Okay.

01:09:58.200 This is obviously a man.

01:09:59.420 What about me looks like a sir right now?

01:10:02.780 Okay?

01:10:03.320 Okay.

01:10:04.380 Can we please move to the sign?

01:10:05.760 No.

01:10:08.020 What?

01:10:08.460 Look, I'm sorry.

01:10:11.700 And I apologize for what happened.

01:10:13.600 Okay?

01:10:14.040 If they did that or, oh, I mean, I'm sorry.

01:10:17.460 What else can I tell you?

01:10:18.400 I mean, ma'am.

01:10:19.340 What else can I tell you?

01:10:21.080 What?

01:10:21.500 If you're, uh, can we please move to the sign?

01:10:24.200 If I'm a what?

01:10:26.220 If I'm a what? 1.00

01:10:27.020 This person is just fishing for this guy to fuck. 1.00

01:10:29.360 It's just sick. 1.00

01:10:30.480 Okay.

01:10:30.760 It's bullying.

01:10:31.740 It is.

01:10:32.740 It's a weird form of bullying.

01:10:33.920 Okay.

01:10:34.460 This guy works at Sonic.

01:10:35.580 Okay.

01:10:35.920 Yeah.

01:10:36.300 He's, I don't know, maybe an immigrant.

01:10:37.780 If they call you a sir, I don't know what they did then.

01:10:40.500 Because they saw the name on my credit card and they were being, they were not being nice

01:10:45.180 people.

01:10:45.880 Well, I mean, they saw your name on the credit card.

01:10:47.780 What do you want them to tell you?

01:10:50.060 Right.

01:10:50.680 This is a great question.

01:10:51.320 That has nothing to do with it.

01:10:53.000 It does.

01:10:53.600 You don't have an answer.

01:10:54.220 There could be someone in the back that they don't see.

01:10:57.040 That's paying.

01:10:58.080 Okay, ma'am.

01:10:59.080 So why would they intentionally do that?

01:11:01.420 Can you tell me what your location has done to be transcompetent?

01:11:05.280 Because clearly they are not.

01:11:06.980 Well, it's just tough because you're, okay, they made a mistake and what's, should he 0.80

01:11:11.540 kill himself? 0.74

01:11:12.240 Like, where do we go from here? 0.80

01:11:13.440 And, you know, my name is Mark.

01:11:14.720 You call me Mike.

01:11:15.740 I just, I go, yeah, yeah.

01:11:16.900 How you doing?

01:11:17.400 You know?

01:11:17.760 Like, I get it.

01:11:19.000 It's, this is important to her and all that.

01:11:20.820 And she's trans and whatever. 1.00

01:11:22.240 But, like, yeah, they fucked up and it's over now. 0.99

01:11:25.340 And he's apologized. 0.98

01:11:26.400 Like, what else can you do?

01:11:27.700 Yeah.

01:11:27.860 He goes on to apologize literally 18 more times.

01:11:30.800 And the person just lambed back.

01:11:33.080 Like, it just, like, it's become this game of, like, how do I catch someone to feel that?

01:11:39.280 And then that makes you feel some type of way.

01:11:42.460 Yeah.

01:11:42.520 That's the sick game, I think, that I don't understand that much.

01:11:45.900 Like, this internet game of, like, who do I, how can I catch, like, you know, who do I

01:11:51.100 catch with a bag of N-words over here?

01:11:53.120 Right.

01:11:53.220 You know?

01:11:53.560 Or, like, how can I go back in your time in your life and see if you wrote down the N-word

01:11:58.840 on a napkin, you know?

01:12:00.780 Yeah.

01:12:00.960 It's just like, uh.

01:12:02.280 In the 90s when I, it was nobody's perfect.

01:12:04.380 Now, if you're not perfect, we'll figure it out and ruin your life.

01:12:07.680 Yeah. 0.79

01:12:08.000 You know?

01:12:08.300 And it's weird because, like, if you say, like, retard or something, they'll come after 1.00

01:12:12.360 you and they go, that's, where's your compassion? 0.99

01:12:15.280 That's so mean to retards. 1.00

01:12:16.440 And you're like, yeah, yeah, I get it. 0.59

01:12:18.240 But where's your compassion for me?

01:12:19.840 Right. 1.00

01:12:20.000 Fucking up. 0.99

01:12:20.980 I mean, you can't have it both ways. 0.99

01:12:24.520 If you want compassion, you gotta be compassionate, too. 0.96

01:12:26.520 And it's just, I'm not yelling it at a retarded person. 1.00

01:12:30.360 Right. 0.50

01:12:31.080 I'd never do that.

01:12:32.040 No. 0.90

01:12:32.500 I'm calling my buddy Ernie retarded. 1.00

01:12:35.120 Yes. 1.00

01:12:35.820 And we all know Ernie's a fucking tart. 1.00

01:12:37.940 Well, we've been around him. 1.00

01:12:39.760 Exactly.

01:12:40.600 You know, even his, both of his wives had left him, okay, for reasons they didn't want

01:12:45.920 to disclose in court.

01:12:47.320 Jerking off with conditioner.

01:12:48.800 Yeah, that is, yeah. 0.80

01:12:49.980 Stings.

01:12:50.440 Which is a child's move.

01:12:52.100 Yeah, come on. 0.77

01:12:53.000 At least get the lotion, Erne.

01:12:54.280 Yeah.

01:12:54.500 Just sad to see.

01:12:55.380 Yeah, you hate to see it.

01:12:57.300 And I think eventually things will flip where people will turn on that person.

01:13:03.440 Person, yeah.

01:13:04.380 Yeah, I think enough so where there's just like, I also think that whole thing is losing

01:13:08.700 its value, you know?

01:13:10.480 Yeah.

01:13:10.640 It's like, um.

01:13:11.620 If everything is an 11, nothing is an 11.

01:13:13.700 Right.

01:13:14.700 Right.

01:13:15.380 But the scary part is when the platforms that own our ability to communicate, that's when

01:13:20.360 it gets real scary.

01:13:21.600 Yeah, that's when it's going back to corporations.

01:13:23.240 To the corporations, right.

01:13:23.940 Like, yeah, that's what I think.

01:13:25.020 People are like, this person's the president, this person's the president.

01:13:26.820 I'm like, AT&T is the president.

01:13:29.240 Yeah, exactly.

01:13:29.780 We owe them money.

01:13:30.620 I don't owe Biden any money.

01:13:31.780 Yeah, yeah, dude.

01:13:32.420 Biden's giving me money, actually.

01:13:33.560 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:34.100 Dude, they're fucking, bro. 1.00

01:13:36.340 The government won't give anybody money. 1.00

01:13:38.520 I know.

01:13:39.080 It's the best loan ever.

01:13:40.620 Does money, it almost doesn't even seem real anymore sometimes.

01:13:44.260 No, money is completely just in, up in the air, poof.

01:13:48.460 You know, it's on your phone.

01:13:49.580 You don't see, you used to go, here, here's 20 bucks.

01:13:51.360 And it was 20, and you would have earned it.

01:13:53.160 Yeah.

01:13:53.380 There was a thing.

01:13:54.420 Right.

01:13:54.860 Now it's just, whoop, there you go.

01:13:56.560 I just sent you money.

01:13:57.620 You're like, what do you mean you sent me money?

01:13:58.800 That's the new normal.

01:14:00.300 Money has no value, no meaning.

01:14:02.720 You used to mow a lawn, and they'd put-

01:14:04.380 They'd put the money in there.

01:14:05.880 Put it in your pocket.

01:14:06.840 You had a wallet.

01:14:07.400 You felt the money, and you felt some, like there was a thing, like I did something, look

01:14:11.660 what I have.

01:14:12.740 Exactly.

01:14:13.200 Now you can't, it's just, you can't even show it, nobody cares, there's no-

01:14:16.820 No, and that doesn't work at a strip club, what am I going to Venmo this skank? 1.00

01:14:20.320 Yeah.

01:14:20.460 Come on, no, you put a dollar bill in there.

01:14:22.900 Yeah, it used to mean something.

01:14:24.620 Yes.

01:14:24.680 And you were halfway into the panties when you put that thing in there. 0.75

01:14:27.400 Woo, that was exciting.

01:14:28.860 Oh.

01:14:32.760 Do you, has it been tough for you to like, since your hour would tap, did you wait

01:14:37.400 to get a whole new hour to go out?

01:14:39.960 Well, I was writing a lot while having that hour, because I was, it was getting embarrassing.

01:14:46.020 Like, I did that hour for years, and I would go to clubs, and they'd go, hey, I like you, 0.97

01:14:49.560 man, but I came out last year and did the same shit, and I was like, yeah, you're right. 0.99

01:14:52.500 Really? 0.99

01:14:53.260 Well, I just-

01:14:53.920 You seem like the most prolific.

01:14:55.100 I try to be prolific, but I was really trying to hammer that hour, and just really perfect

01:14:59.220 it and hone it.

01:15:00.420 So, once I heard one guy say that, it blew my mind, and I changed immediately, and just was

01:15:05.080 writing like a machine.

01:15:06.140 But now I have like a new 45 that's not on anything, and it's cooking.

01:15:12.660 Yeah.

01:15:12.900 But you always got to have that new stuff kind of on the back burner.

01:15:16.140 Yeah.

01:15:16.560 Because when you put, you're putting out a thing.

01:15:18.320 Yeah.

01:15:18.680 And are you nervous?

01:15:19.400 Because now you're back to zero.

01:15:21.200 Yeah.

01:15:21.680 I got about, yeah, I'm doing it in like 50 minutes right now, which is about the amount

01:15:25.700 of time I do.

01:15:26.420 Sometimes I'll do up to an hour.

01:15:27.880 But I think sometimes people also want to go.

01:15:30.260 They want to see, they want to enjoy it.

01:15:32.420 They want to go back home.

01:15:34.160 Yes.

01:15:35.380 50 minutes is perfect.

01:15:37.040 But it also depends.

01:15:37.960 If the vibe of the show is going great, then it's great.

01:15:40.640 Yeah, yeah.

01:15:41.200 If the vibe's not, then I got to grab some old stuff and kind of put it in.

01:15:44.740 You got that right.

01:15:45.840 And so that definitely gets kind of scary.

01:15:48.740 And I'm just waiting for like moments that happen where I'm like, oh, I found this is

01:15:52.060 good.

01:15:52.340 This is good.

01:15:52.880 I can use this.

01:15:54.300 This is going to be perfect, you know?

01:15:56.000 Let's get this question right here that came in from Jack Harlow.

01:16:01.700 Harlow.

01:16:02.220 Good name.

01:16:02.760 Jack Harlow.

01:16:03.700 Yeah.

01:16:03.880 What's up, Theo?

01:16:06.220 What's up, Mark?

01:16:07.160 My name is Tyler from Texas.

01:16:09.760 Okay.

01:16:10.480 So there was this HBO show called Talking Funny.

01:16:13.760 Oh, yeah.

01:16:13.940 With Ricky Gervais, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Louis C.K., where they sat down for like

01:16:18.700 an hour long discussion or whatever.

01:16:21.080 And part of that, they were talking about their different methods for building an hour

01:16:24.840 for their act or whether maybe it's going to become a special or whatever.

01:16:29.840 And Jerry Seinfeld took the approach of like, you take about 20%, remove it, and cycle in

01:16:35.320 your new stuff that way.

01:16:36.740 And so over time, your act is this like ever evolving piece.

01:16:41.100 I got to see Mark a couple of months ago, and I kind of noticed something similar with

01:16:45.520 his material, where it's like, there's definitely like staple jokes of yours.

01:16:51.240 As well as like you trying in the new stuff.

01:16:53.720 And it was a great set, by the way.

01:16:55.540 I was curious, is that something that you picked up from Seinfeld?

01:16:57.720 That kind of method of removing a little bit of the old to push in the new?

01:17:02.320 Or, you know, what's your general method for building an hour?

01:17:06.700 Same question, Theo.

01:17:08.520 Gang, gang.

01:17:09.140 Thanks, guys.

01:17:09.780 Gang, baby. 0.75

01:17:10.200 I'll let Mark answer it.

01:17:10.960 Thank you, Tyler, for the question, man, and for paying attention to the show.

01:17:14.200 What do you think, Mark?

01:17:14.840 Well, first of all, I can't believe anybody cares about stand-up who doesn't do it, which

01:17:18.360 is, I always assume when we go in to stand-up, people get bored.

01:17:21.780 Yeah.

01:17:22.080 But maybe not.

01:17:22.840 Maybe not.

01:17:23.220 This guy's, you know, at Comic-Con, apparently.

01:17:26.680 But, yeah, I think he nailed it.

01:17:31.100 It's just kind of the natural progression.

01:17:32.680 You've got your pillars.

01:17:33.960 It's like, oh, I'll do the plant joke, and then I'll do the car joke, and these murder

01:17:38.740 every time.

01:17:39.420 So you kind of pepper those in like M&Ms in trail mix, like, oh, this is the good stuff.

01:17:45.240 And then you try your new, and you've got your half-baked idea.

01:17:49.740 And then when you start losing them, hit them with another M&M.

01:17:52.660 Yeah.

01:17:53.140 And then you close with a big M&M at the end.

01:17:55.700 Yeah.

01:17:56.580 Eventually, in natural progression, it will, the new stuff will grow and be great, and then

01:18:01.640 you can just start letting go of those M&Ms. 0.87

01:18:04.060 Yeah.

01:18:04.260 And just fluff off.

01:18:05.620 And then you've got a new hour.

01:18:06.940 But it takes a while.

01:18:08.580 Yeah, it takes a while.

01:18:10.000 It takes a while, and I think that's one thing that's scary about putting stuff out.

01:18:13.500 I think, like, I got this special coming out in, I think, a week and a half or something.

01:18:17.800 But I'm also, sometimes I wish, like, man, I think the true value would have been in not

01:18:22.040 putting it out at all and just touring forever, just touring, not just with that material,

01:18:26.960 change my material, but not having, like, these definitive moments where I have to change

01:18:32.400 it.

01:18:32.680 The Jay Leno method.

01:18:33.680 He never put an album out, because he was like, I want to keep this.

01:18:36.580 Yeah.

01:18:37.260 Which, I don't know, maybe there's good and bads to both. 1.00

01:18:41.180 Like, if you put this out, it'll force you to write new shit, which is going to suck. 0.99

01:18:44.780 But you have to do it. 0.99

01:18:46.260 But if you don't put it out, you can just kind of do it forever, and there's no, sometimes

01:18:49.380 we need a deadline as comedians. 0.93

01:18:50.740 We're a bunch of lazy cucks. 0.99

01:18:52.660 Yeah, we are kind of, huh? 0.89

01:18:54.800 I think we can get lazy if we would get lazy, because we knew we were capable of making things

01:18:58.780 happen at the last minute.

01:19:00.320 Exactly. 1.00

01:19:00.900 That book report, man, you would wing that fucking thing. 1.00

01:19:03.560 Dude, wing it, bro. 0.99

01:19:05.220 I remember one time, it was about, I don't even know what it was about, but I remember

01:19:08.620 taking a bunch of stuff out of our kitchen and putting it in a bowl, and then putting

01:19:11.560 like this, like, something on top of it, and you had to put your hand in there and reach

01:19:14.900 in and grab.

01:19:15.480 It was like, literally did it in the morning before school.

01:19:17.940 It didn't make any sense, dude, and got an A. 0.92

01:19:20.020 Yeah, and there'd be like some girl who'd like made some shit out of like Fondet or 1.00

01:19:23.780 something. 0.71

01:19:25.280 And Fondet also went to our school, dude.

01:19:27.020 Fondet, Bayham.

01:19:29.640 That was a girl that went to our school. 1.00

01:19:31.700 Fondet.

01:19:32.580 Yeah.

01:19:32.680 Bro, the best black names, I feel like, were in Louisiana.

01:19:35.940 Oh, yeah.

01:19:36.540 We had some great ones.

01:19:37.440 But then the last name would be kind of normal.

01:19:39.560 It would be like Latrine Williams.

01:19:41.860 Yeah.

01:19:42.180 You know?

01:19:42.660 Bayham, Washington, Wilson.

01:19:44.460 Yes.

01:19:45.020 All presidential.

01:19:46.340 Yeah.

01:19:46.820 Yeah, yeah.

01:19:47.440 Go figure that out.

01:19:48.560 Yeah.

01:19:48.760 That's where you need to go. 0.97

01:19:49.960 Look, if we want to trace some lineage of some real shady shit, man, let's start calling 0.96

01:19:55.940 out people with the last name Truman. 0.98

01:19:58.540 Okay?

01:19:59.940 That's what I'm saying.

01:20:00.920 If there's a Donnie Truman out there or freaking Randall Truman, bro, we see you, fam.

01:20:06.000 I know.

01:20:06.440 And George Washington must have been plowing a ton of Afro-Americanes because there's so 1.00

01:20:11.660 many named after him.

01:20:13.800 He was like banging the whole NBA.

01:20:16.540 Yeah.

01:20:17.000 I know.

01:20:17.260 It's unbelievable.

01:20:18.280 Yeah.

01:20:18.640 Good for him.

01:20:21.380 Unbelievable.

01:20:22.120 But yeah.

01:20:23.220 Good for you.

01:20:23.720 I can't wait to.

01:20:24.320 You got a title for it or is it a secret?

01:20:25.780 It's called Regular People.

01:20:28.040 Ooh.

01:20:28.500 All right.

01:20:28.940 All right.

01:20:29.320 Regular People.

01:20:30.040 I can't wait to watch because I love a special because you get that intro.

01:20:34.120 You get the crowd.

01:20:35.120 I get to see.

01:20:35.800 I've never seen your whole hour.

01:20:37.120 Yeah.

01:20:37.500 So I'm excited to watch.

01:20:38.800 Thanks, man.

01:20:40.060 Yeah.

01:20:40.360 And yours, people can watch it if they haven't seen it.

01:20:42.100 It's on YouTube.

01:20:43.040 You got that right.

01:20:44.740 Out to look.

01:20:45.180 Yeah.

01:20:45.600 A lot of ways.

01:20:46.360 Real envious, man.

01:20:47.160 Just the fact that you still own it, man.

01:20:48.920 That's real.

01:20:49.540 There's so much.

01:20:50.660 There's something about that.

01:20:52.440 For me, that's like the biggest thing, I feel like.

01:20:54.960 Yeah.

01:20:55.420 Yeah.

01:20:55.620 I could do anything.

01:20:56.760 I could sell it to Lithuania television. 1.00

01:20:58.400 Or some shit. 1.00

01:20:59.660 You know? 1.00

01:21:00.300 Get a couple paychecks off of it.

01:21:02.200 But it's nice.

01:21:02.720 I can chop it up.

01:21:04.700 I can do whatever I want with it.

01:21:05.940 It's nice to own.

01:21:06.900 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:07.220 Because Netflix, I mean, look, we all love Netflix, but they own your shit, and you get 0.99

01:21:11.420 one check, and that's it. 0.99

01:21:12.840 Yeah.

01:21:13.800 It's kind of scary.

01:21:14.680 No residuals, no nothing.

01:21:16.340 Yeah.

01:21:16.700 It's a little scary, man.

01:21:17.760 It's a little scary.

01:21:18.600 And then also the way that things can just disappear right there.

01:21:21.400 That things can just disappear so easily on Netflix.

01:21:24.520 Yeah.

01:21:24.740 Whereas I feel like if you get a hint of you on YouTube, say somebody watches a clip of

01:21:31.220 you and I, right?

01:21:32.360 Yeah.

01:21:34.160 Then there's a chance they're going to get served this.

01:21:38.080 Whereas on Netflix, I'm not in a bunch of stuff on Netflix.

01:21:43.760 So it's not like you're going to see me, and then they're going to say, suggest this.

01:21:47.480 Yeah.

01:21:47.940 And if you don't get suggested something, you never find it.

01:21:51.920 It's over.

01:21:52.980 Netflix is a real grab bag.

01:21:54.420 You know what's weird about Netflix, too, is you go to your friend's house, and you're

01:21:56.580 scrolling through his.

01:21:57.300 You're like, none of these shows are on mine.

01:21:59.420 What the hell's all this?

01:22:00.380 Yeah.

01:22:00.800 Because they put you in this algo, and then you've got a whole different algo.

01:22:04.180 Yeah.

01:22:04.440 It's weird.

01:22:05.120 It's like going through your friend's cupboard. 0.96

01:22:06.480 You're like, damn, I never heard of Twisty Fruits. 0.98

01:22:10.520 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:11.000 But that's in your world.

01:22:12.520 And you go back to my world, and it's Cocoa Puffs.

01:22:14.780 Yeah.

01:22:15.580 Yeah.

01:22:15.980 It's like we're all in different algorithms, but there's not that.

01:22:18.620 It's like, that's the thing.

01:22:21.280 We're all falling into these algorithms.

01:22:22.960 That's the presidents, man.

01:22:24.500 Those are the presidents of the corporations, man.

01:22:26.280 It really is.

01:22:26.760 That's it.

01:22:27.380 Yeah.

01:22:28.020 It's like it's going to become like, oh, we were algorithm buddies or something.

01:22:31.480 Yeah.

01:22:31.600 That's going to be a term one day.

01:22:33.100 Yeah.

01:22:34.200 Like, dude, we were freaking algo babies.

01:22:36.440 Both of our moms were in the same algorithm. 1.00

01:22:38.380 Yeah.

01:22:39.040 That's true.

01:22:39.820 Like, let me read your algorithm.

01:22:41.120 Somebody will literally read someone's algorithm and predict their future, which will be so

01:22:45.520 easy to do.

01:22:46.540 Yeah. 0.97

01:22:47.260 They said, Sam Harris said, your phone knows you're gay before you do. 0.94

01:22:51.340 Wow. 0.52

01:22:51.860 And it's true because it'll notice like, oh, you stopped on this hot guy picture for longer

01:22:57.540 than you stopped on the hot girl or whatever.

01:22:59.480 So, yeah, maybe you'll decorate your room with this pink sea salt, huh?

01:23:03.240 Yeah, exactly.

01:23:05.200 And my girl, she, you know, it's hard to buy presents for your girlfriend because you don't 0.69

01:23:10.560 know what the hell they want and you don't want to fuck it up.

01:23:12.380 Oh, yeah. 0.93

01:23:12.560 But her phone goes, you'll like this.

01:23:15.360 And I'm like, I need to get in tune with her phone to know what the gift is.

01:23:19.700 Yeah.

01:23:20.040 The phone knows her better than I know her.

01:23:22.120 I can't get her off.

01:23:23.560 Yeah.

01:23:24.260 Oh, yeah.

01:23:25.200 That vibration, though.

01:23:26.340 She puts it down there and calls herself.

01:23:28.720 Yeah.

01:23:29.300 Oh, yeah.

01:23:29.960 Let's look at, let's get a couple more questions that came in from Mark, man, and then we'll

01:23:34.460 send him on his way.

01:23:36.140 You got a handsome fan base, I got to tell you.

01:23:38.220 Oh, thank you, man.

01:23:39.080 Yeah, we got a lot of great people, man.

01:23:40.960 We got a lot of great people.

01:23:42.860 Just hit the road, dude.

01:23:43.860 It's so crazy to see people come out.

01:23:45.540 Isn't that crazy to see people start to come out?

01:23:47.520 Crazy.

01:23:48.040 And you want to give everybody their time. 0.77

01:23:49.680 Oh, you want to give everybody.

01:23:51.040 It's like you want to thank, it's like you want to thank them so much.

01:23:53.960 I know.

01:23:54.500 You just, oh, it's hard and it feels exhausting.

01:23:58.080 Yeah. 0.94

01:23:58.180 You're like, I've been waiting so, I've been trying my, since I was fucking nine years old 0.56

01:24:03.400 to make you laugh and finally hear you and I are. 0.90

01:24:06.780 Yeah, totally.

01:24:08.320 And then, then you go hide in the green room.

01:24:10.300 Yeah.

01:24:10.640 Yeah, it's just the weirdest, weirdest thing, but that's how it is.

01:24:16.200 Look at the eyebrows.

01:24:16.660 Theo, Mark, what's up, boys?

01:24:18.340 How's it going?

01:24:19.280 Theo, saw you out in Cedar Rapids last year.

01:24:22.460 Killer show and it was great meeting you, man.

01:24:24.740 Mark, long time listener of Tuesdays with Stories.

01:24:27.180 Love the pod.

01:24:28.300 No homo. 1.00

01:24:29.880 My question for you guys is, what's the craziest heckler story you've ever had?

01:24:34.640 And I'm not talking just like, you know, some banter back and forth.

01:24:37.240 I'm talking about like, got pissed, rushed the stage, et cetera.

01:24:40.820 I've never heard that asked on here before and I just wanted to know.

01:24:44.180 Thanks, guys.

01:24:44.720 Love you both.

01:24:46.360 Cheers, brother.

01:24:47.100 Thank you.

01:24:48.120 That's a classic.

01:24:49.740 That's a good one.

01:24:50.200 You got one?

01:24:51.200 Well, I've had so many bad heckles, but the one that really fucked me up was, I was doing

01:24:57.120 a, I was kind of new, I was probably like three, four years in, I got a college gig,

01:25:00.860 which was huge.

01:25:01.760 Yeah.

01:25:02.080 Good money, fly you down, put you up.

01:25:05.340 And it was in Florida and it was called Florida Atlantic. 0.99

01:25:07.800 It was an all black school, which I didn't know, but I don't give a shit. 1.00

01:25:10.440 Yeah. 0.99

01:25:10.700 So I show up and I had to follow a rap group.

01:25:14.240 It was like kind of a talent night. 1.00

01:25:16.100 I had to follow a rap group and they were like twirling shirts going, kill Whitey, fuck 1.00

01:25:20.920 the cops, I'll kill you, you know, fuck this bitch or whatever. 1.00

01:25:24.420 And they're killing. 1.00

01:25:25.520 Like the whole place is jumping.

01:25:27.040 Yeah.

01:25:27.320 Yeah.

01:25:27.460 It was the DNC, basically.

01:25:29.620 Yeah.

01:25:30.680 Yeah.

01:25:31.600 And I remember there was like a little cute, nerdy black girl with a clipboard going, okay, 1.00

01:25:35.460 you're next.

01:25:35.920 And I just want to let you know, it's very diverse.

01:25:37.660 Like, it's not diverse. 0.91

01:25:38.880 It's all black. 0.97

01:25:39.520 I'm the diversity. 0.54

01:25:41.160 But whatever.

01:25:42.560 So it was me and this other kid and we were both supposed to do 30 minutes.

01:25:48.040 So, you know, these people don't want 30 minutes of one guy.

01:25:51.180 So he goes up first and they trash him immediately and he gets off after like a minute and a half. 0.86

01:25:56.220 And I was like, what are you crazy?

01:25:58.320 You got to do your time at least. 1.00

01:25:59.840 So he's like, fuck this. 1.00

01:26:00.960 I'm out of here. 1.00

01:26:01.660 I'm calling my agent.

01:26:02.680 He was like a, he had self-esteem, this guy.

01:26:05.360 Oh, yeah.

01:26:06.160 Yeah.

01:26:06.840 So then I'm like, all right.

01:26:07.900 And then they bring me up like, oh, we got another live one coming up.

01:26:11.040 Oh, baby.

01:26:11.740 And he's looking at me like, oh, this guy's a goner.

01:26:14.300 Like, totally set up for failure.

01:26:16.840 So I walk on stage and I'm walking to the mic.

01:26:19.220 The mic is like right where that camera is and I haven't gotten there yet. 0.99

01:26:21.700 And some guy goes, look at this fag. 1.00

01:26:24.860 Kills. 1.00

01:26:25.700 Kills. 0.99

01:26:26.620 It's a huge laugh.

01:26:27.840 So I was like, all right, all right.

01:26:28.820 I can handle this.

01:26:29.500 So I was in such a New York state of mind. 0.99

01:26:31.280 I was like, damn, man. 0.99

01:26:32.540 What if I was actually gay? 1.00

01:26:33.600 And he goes, no, no, you are.

01:26:35.540 That got an applause break.

01:26:37.060 He's getting high five.

01:26:38.260 They're crowd surfing.

01:26:39.120 This guy is a hero.

01:26:40.420 And then I try to do 20 minutes on Uber after that.

01:26:43.520 And I just ate my lunch for half an hour.

01:26:46.380 But I did my time.

01:26:48.140 Yes.

01:26:48.740 Yeah.

01:26:49.160 But it was brutal, man.

01:26:50.440 That was, I was just watching my watch tick.

01:26:52.920 Long half an hour.

01:26:55.520 Long 30.

01:26:57.240 Like the Irishman. 1.00

01:26:58.360 Why do you think, oh, the Irishman's unbelievably bad.

01:27:01.320 So long. 1.00

01:27:02.080 Doesn't even make any fucking, or the departed, whatever. 0.98

01:27:04.160 I don't even know the difference between the two. 1.00

01:27:05.180 The fucking shit's horrible. 1.00

01:27:07.020 You know what I'm saying, dude? 1.00

01:27:08.140 Yeah. 0.93

01:27:08.640 Some of it's so fucking bad. 0.94

01:27:11.020 I would rather watch that guy Seamus from WWE Wrestle. 0.97

01:27:14.120 That seems more authentic to the Irish mafia. 0.99

01:27:19.260 But dude, why is it that comedians can take that fucking, what, that thing? 1.00

01:27:23.140 Because that's, for some people, that would kill them. 1.00

01:27:25.600 That would put them into a mental breakdown.

01:27:28.000 That's true.

01:27:28.740 I think because we have, our mind is already so mean to us.

01:27:32.260 So we're like, oh, I can handle this.

01:27:33.640 And they were kind of laughing.

01:27:34.740 So in a weird way, I was like, they're trashing me.

01:27:37.380 I'm the punching bag.

01:27:38.520 But at least I'm creating entertainment.

01:27:40.580 Even though I am the butt of the joke, we're all having a good time.

01:27:43.560 I mean, I'm not.

01:27:44.240 But they are.

01:27:45.220 So there's a part of me that's like, all right, at least this is kind of fun for them.

01:27:49.100 But it was harsh.

01:27:51.000 Yeah.

01:27:51.380 Even though I'm the butt of the joke, at least they're having a good time.

01:27:54.720 Yeah.

01:27:55.000 Like if I wasn't there, they wouldn't be laughing.

01:27:57.240 Right.

01:27:57.780 And they're mocking me.

01:27:59.300 And it hurt.

01:28:00.000 But at least I'm a part of something.

01:28:01.360 Yeah.

01:28:03.000 So I took it.

01:28:05.300 Yeah, man.

01:28:06.060 I had one like that at University of North Florida.

01:28:08.600 They booed us off this.

01:28:09.560 They booed me off the stage.

01:28:11.080 They didn't know I had to come back out in Florida.

01:28:12.980 Yeah.

01:28:13.200 They didn't know I had to come back out between each.

01:28:15.140 It was a battle of the bands.

01:28:16.760 Oh, yeah.

01:28:17.160 They didn't know I had to come back out again between each band.

01:28:19.200 I burned all my – I was supposed to do five minutes between each band, right?

01:28:21.800 I told them I had 40 minutes, bro. 0.99

01:28:23.620 I had fucking 18 minutes. 0.99

01:28:25.780 I burned it all out of the first time. 0.99

01:28:28.600 And I had to come back out fucking like six more times. 0.99

01:28:30.980 Oh, my God. 0.99

01:28:32.160 You just got to start riffing.

01:28:33.180 What is that?

01:28:33.580 A clock over there?

01:28:34.540 Holy hell.

01:28:35.160 Oh, it became a running gag.

01:28:36.360 When I ran – at least about the third time, the fourth time, it was like, no way.

01:28:39.600 This dude's back.

01:28:41.580 I actually physically became the joke.

01:28:44.280 There was one time in – they used to have this room in L.A. called – it was like at a bar, cafe in UCLA in Westwood.

01:28:53.180 It was like –

01:28:55.120 College kids are ruthless.

01:28:56.680 Yeah, and it was UCLA bar, so there's no – it's a sad environment compared to what college – most college kids are used to.

01:29:05.620 Yeah.

01:29:06.740 So one kid starts tackling me in the audience. 1.00

01:29:09.660 Dude, he's talking shit, right? 1.00

01:29:10.800 I got – just lost it, man. 1.00

01:29:12.540 I get off stage.

01:29:13.600 I'm coming at the dude. 0.98

01:29:14.880 Start choking him. 0.84

01:29:16.020 What? 0.82

01:29:16.580 Yeah, choking the guy.

01:29:17.780 Wow.

01:29:18.220 And I didn't realize I had the mic in my hand the whole time.

01:29:20.020 I'm choking him, right?

01:29:20.920 Yeah.

01:29:21.240 Ah, you could hear the swallowing.

01:29:23.300 Oh, yeah, you could hear it all.

01:29:24.240 It's crazy.

01:29:24.800 And I'm like, why were you being so mean to me? 1.00

01:29:27.380 Just the fucking lamest thing you could say to somebody. 0.99

01:29:30.080 Yeah. 0.98

01:29:30.920 But that was – people were dying laughing because he and I were tussling, but the mic is right there.

01:29:36.240 Good for you.

01:29:37.660 But –

01:29:38.220 I had one similar – Hartford Funny Bone.

01:29:40.340 This is years ago.

01:29:41.100 It was probably like 25 people in the room. 1.00

01:29:43.640 I'm eating my ass. 1.00

01:29:44.940 This guy is in the front row. 1.00

01:29:46.720 I'm talking a real nerd guy, like fat guy with glasses and a beard, and he had a woman 0.98

01:29:53.520 with him and another – like a sister and his cousin or something. 1.00

01:29:57.140 And he's just – this guy is like a loser. 1.00

01:29:59.280 And I'm bombing. 1.00

01:30:00.160 And they keep doing the thing where they mimic my bomb.

01:30:02.520 Like I'd be like, oh, Mick Ultra, huh?

01:30:05.140 That's the punchline.

01:30:06.000 You go, Mick Ultra.

01:30:07.020 Oof, that was bad.

01:30:08.160 And then I'd be like, well, what about Shag Carpet? 1.00

01:30:10.360 He's like, Shag Carpet, nothing there, you know? 1.00

01:30:12.320 And it was – no one could hear it but me.

01:30:14.240 So he was like taunting me.

01:30:15.840 So I just lost it on this guy. 1.00

01:30:17.800 And I was like, fuck you, you piece of shit. 1.00

01:30:20.020 And apparently he was like kind of downsy or something. 1.00

01:30:23.480 So maybe he was not fucking with me. 1.00

01:30:25.000 Maybe he was just being retarded or something. 1.00

01:30:27.700 But I didn't know that. 0.94

01:30:28.780 And I kept going at him. 1.00

01:30:30.440 And this is when it gets really bad, when you're like, fuck you. 1.00

01:30:33.520 And I just got angry. 1.00

01:30:34.300 It wasn't even funny.

01:30:34.920 And this guy in the back goes, go easy on him. 1.00

01:30:37.680 So I go, well, fuck you too. 1.00

01:30:39.260 What the hell? 1.00

01:30:39.820 I'm up here alone. 0.99

01:30:40.680 Blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:30:41.900 So eventually the guy got up. 1.00

01:30:44.580 The retarded guy got up and was like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:30:46.540 And I was like, oh, shit. 1.00

01:30:47.380 This guy's all, you know, a little melted. 1.00

01:30:50.280 And I was like, oh, shit. 0.99

01:30:52.260 All right, well, what are you going to do? 1.00

01:30:54.560 And they threw the kid out.

01:30:55.660 And they had to throw him out.

01:30:56.520 And he was like kind of moaning and stuff.

01:30:59.360 Oh, it was bad.

01:31:00.360 Come on, what?

01:31:01.040 And then I had like another 20 to do after that.

01:31:03.340 It was a nightmare. 1.00

01:31:04.100 So now that other crowd hates me because I shit on them. 1.00

01:31:07.900 You're going to hell, man. 1.00

01:31:08.860 Yeah, I didn't know. 0.99

01:31:09.900 I didn't know.

01:31:10.240 Yeah, you didn't know.

01:31:10.840 And look, I had the same thing happen, man.

01:31:13.840 That's a very good story.

01:31:14.920 And it's better than mine, but I'm still going to tell mine.

01:31:16.820 Please.

01:31:17.300 I'm in San Francisco.

01:31:19.300 And it's at like a weed conference or something, right?

01:31:21.900 And I don't even smoke weed.

01:31:23.520 So I'm at the place.

01:31:24.680 People are blowing weed, smoking the air and stuff.

01:31:27.020 And so I start getting just zooted out on stage, bro.

01:31:29.900 There's a guy dressed.

01:31:30.680 It's like the San Francisco weed conference.

01:31:32.740 There's just some, some, some, it was bad.

01:31:35.840 Yeah.

01:31:36.840 Was it pre-legal or legalized weed?

01:31:38.940 It was pre-legal.

01:31:39.620 Okay.

01:31:40.400 So weed was still a big deal.

01:31:42.340 There were like booths.

01:31:43.300 There was like THC stuff, but it was still, they were pushing the limits.

01:31:47.020 Right.

01:31:47.780 And some guy was dressed like a captain, like a total captain who brings me on stage.

01:31:51.220 At that point, I am so cooked out of my gizzard.

01:31:53.560 Like the whole, people have just been blowing joints.

01:31:56.200 It's the, I'm the last act of the day.

01:31:57.700 It's been an all day affair.

01:31:58.700 Uh-huh.

01:31:59.260 There's probably 13 people in a room that would seat maybe 150.

01:32:02.720 Oh boy.

01:32:03.440 All those folding chairs. 0.98

01:32:05.620 The guy in the front is mentally disabled, right? 0.94

01:32:08.520 Nobody tells me. 0.97

01:32:09.580 Yeah.

01:32:10.660 Nobody tells me.

01:32:11.460 I get up there.

01:32:12.280 I didn't need, I literally didn't even know what was going on.

01:32:14.660 I didn't know that I was a comedian.

01:32:16.100 I didn't know what was happening.

01:32:17.400 Whoa, you were that high.

01:32:18.320 I didn't know if I was an auctioneer.

01:32:19.440 I didn't know what was happening.

01:32:20.680 Wow.

01:32:21.300 It was not good, right?

01:32:22.320 And this guy starts saying stuff, messing with me. 0.98

01:32:25.320 And finally, somebody yells out, could have even been you, yells out, that guy's retarded, 0.98

01:32:30.600 right? 0.97

01:32:32.580 And I was like, well, put a sign on him then, you know, right?

01:32:36.420 That's a good line.

01:32:37.720 And then finally, it was the first last I got, dude.

01:32:42.160 And I quit.

01:32:43.280 I got down.

01:32:43.920 And I was like, I'm done.

01:32:45.080 I think it had literally been four minutes, dude.

01:32:48.360 But when you're high, four minutes is like a week.

01:32:50.680 I think everybody, the guy there was like, man, you did great, dude.

01:32:53.240 You did great.

01:32:53.960 Paid me my money.

01:32:55.520 All right.

01:32:56.020 That's a happy ending.

01:32:56.280 It was booked through an agent.

01:32:57.080 Yeah.

01:32:57.400 They paid me a thousand bucks, man.

01:32:59.300 Oh, that's big.

01:33:00.860 That was big.

01:33:01.620 Not a bad gig. 0.98

01:33:02.480 Just trash this Downsy kid and get a check. 1.00

01:33:05.040 Yeah. 0.99

01:33:06.300 It could be worse.

01:33:07.960 I think it was Bobby Hebert.

01:33:09.640 That's who I think it was.

01:33:10.900 Yeah.

01:33:11.000 Oh, deep cut.

01:33:11.920 He passed away, didn't he?

01:33:13.200 Yeah, he did.

01:33:14.000 God, that was crazy.

01:33:15.160 In New Orleans, he was every mom's hunk.

01:33:17.780 Like, he was like the guy all the moms like.

01:33:19.900 Camellia red beans.

01:33:21.120 Yeah.

01:33:21.480 Yeah.

01:33:21.620 We didn't, I love they had the coach for kids that kick, like, you don't need a coat

01:33:26.780 in New Orleans.

01:33:27.580 Yeah.

01:33:27.680 Like, we're doing coach for kids.

01:33:29.000 Every time we kick a field goal, we get a, every kid, every kid gets a coat.

01:33:32.500 I never thought about that.

01:33:33.340 You're right.

01:33:33.800 It was like, who needs a coat?

01:33:35.480 Who needs a coat? 0.99

01:33:36.000 Who needs a meal?

01:33:36.600 Yeah.

01:33:36.960 And a hug.

01:33:37.540 I saw Morris Bart, uh, was still going.

01:33:40.660 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:33:41.740 Is he really?

01:33:42.280 Yeah.

01:33:42.600 I see the, the billboard.

01:33:43.880 He runs that town.

01:33:45.000 Wow.

01:33:45.500 I'm on your side.

01:33:46.540 One call, that's all.

01:33:47.980 Chip Forrestal.

01:33:49.240 You ever see those?

01:33:49.840 Oh, yeah.

01:33:49.940 Take care of it all?

01:33:51.360 Yeah.

01:33:51.700 How about that?

01:33:51.800 A step that used to work for him.

01:33:53.500 Door, furniture, or 1825, two lane.

01:33:58.960 Wow.

01:33:59.640 Now we're doing local commercials.

01:34:01.040 Yeah, dude.

01:34:01.840 That was fun, though.

01:34:03.620 And remember they had, uh, Morgus Presents.

01:34:05.620 Did you ever see that?

01:34:06.420 Yes!

01:34:06.920 Yes!

01:34:07.280 That was big!

01:34:08.260 Chop Sleeve! 1.00

01:34:10.520 Wow.

01:34:10.880 Bring up Morgus Presents.

01:34:11.900 Let's get a picture of it so people know.

01:34:13.720 This was pre-internet entertainment.

01:34:15.620 Bro, you know who you gotta go see?

01:34:16.980 Suicide Boys, man.

01:34:18.120 Who's that?

01:34:18.640 They're this New Orleans, like, uh, they have, they're this New Orleans, it's kind

01:34:24.560 of a rap, rap, rock.

01:34:26.640 It's their own thing, man.

01:34:27.960 Really?

01:34:28.700 Yeah.

01:34:29.060 They're great, though.

01:34:30.260 Yeah, let's see Morgus Presents.

01:34:31.580 This was like PBS.

01:34:32.620 Look on that picture.

01:34:33.460 What do you call it?

01:34:33.860 Public access.

01:34:35.580 Yeah.

01:34:36.200 I didn't, I had to leave New Orleans to realize it was a small town.

01:34:39.640 Yeah.

01:34:40.360 Yeah, you didn't realize when you got somewhere else, you're like, oh, they don't even have

01:34:43.100 that?

01:34:43.520 Yeah, exactly.

01:34:44.720 Yeah.

01:34:45.740 Yeah, Louisiana was nice.

01:34:47.200 That was one thing that was nice about.

01:34:48.560 Everything kind of had their own shows.

01:34:50.660 Every area in town had their own things.

01:34:53.060 Yep.

01:34:53.220 That's another thing that's kind of a bummer about everything getting so commercialized.

01:34:57.020 I know.

01:34:57.220 And so, like, you know, there's just no more, like, small chains.

01:35:01.760 It just, all of it kind of goes by the wayside.

01:35:04.240 Yeah.

01:35:04.820 Yeah.

01:35:05.480 Remember, like, getting a job at the Ro Bears?

01:35:08.140 Yeah.

01:35:08.240 I was a bag boy.

01:35:09.100 Like, that's over.

01:35:10.540 I don't know.

01:35:10.820 We went Christmas caroling.

01:35:12.220 We went trick-or-treating.

01:35:13.720 It just feels like that's all kind of old now, antiquated.

01:35:18.460 Yeah, it feels like some things are just, like, some of the fabric of society has come

01:35:26.480 unwoven.

01:35:27.220 I completely agree.

01:35:28.280 And I don't know how and why.

01:35:31.360 And it makes you feel like your life doesn't mean as much because you had really invested

01:35:38.080 in kind of the template of what everything was, you know?

01:35:42.020 Yeah, now meaning is clicks and followers and likes.

01:35:46.740 And now everything is racist.

01:35:47.980 Like, every book now is like, why this was racist, you know?

01:35:51.320 Yeah.

01:35:51.680 It's just like, you know, Frederick Douglass was racist.

01:35:54.500 I saw the other day a book.

01:35:55.900 Really?

01:35:56.260 And I'm like, what? 0.99

01:35:57.720 Damn. 0.99

01:35:58.720 What? 1.00

01:35:59.080 What?

01:35:59.620 Like, when is that going to end?

01:36:00.940 I know.

01:36:02.160 Wow.

01:36:02.740 Yeah.

01:36:03.100 Well, it's like you said.

01:36:04.060 You got to have a gotcha on somebody.

01:36:05.800 It's like a kill, you know?

01:36:07.620 Yeah. 0.99

01:36:08.160 And you want a big kill. 0.99

01:36:09.520 You want to take down Louie or whoever. 1.00

01:36:12.600 It's got to be a big kill. 0.98

01:36:14.540 Yeah.

01:36:15.200 Yeah, it's tough, you know? 1.00

01:36:17.380 Nobody wants to build shit. 1.00

01:36:18.700 They just want to tear down shit now. 1.00

01:36:20.280 Right. 1.00

01:36:21.300 It's way easier.

01:36:22.540 It is way easier.

01:36:24.040 Yeah, we got to fight.

01:36:24.940 We got to do our best, man.

01:36:26.080 It's hard sometimes.

01:36:27.220 Yeah.

01:36:28.260 I think we're out there.

01:36:29.400 I think people like us who just kind of want to live and have relationships and connect,

01:36:35.460 I think we're out there.

01:36:36.380 Yeah.

01:36:36.780 I think that's the majority, actually.

01:36:38.300 I do, too. 0.98

01:36:39.040 I think a lot of those people probably, they're just not busy doing all of that shit that other 0.99

01:36:45.100 people are doing. 0.99

01:36:45.900 Yeah.

01:36:46.540 Yeah, and that's way healthier.

01:36:48.040 Yeah, it is. 1.00

01:36:49.220 You know, sometimes you're on Twitter and you just get wrapped up in this shit. 1.00

01:36:51.680 And then I go see my brother. 0.99

01:36:52.720 He's got two kids and he's pushing them on a swing.

01:36:55.260 And I'm like, oh, yeah.

01:36:56.460 And he's not thinking about this.

01:36:57.560 No.

01:36:57.900 He's worried about his kids getting pudding.

01:36:59.980 Yeah.

01:37:00.820 Yeah, most people are living, yeah, when you get outside of this, most people are living

01:37:03.580 in a pretty regular universe, man.

01:37:05.120 Yeah.

01:37:05.640 Yeah, we just, we can't forget that.

01:37:08.300 Let's get this last question that came in here.

01:37:10.020 Markham, we'll send you on your way.

01:37:11.180 You got, how many shows you got this weekend?

01:37:13.080 Five, six?

01:37:13.900 Six.

01:37:14.860 Three on Saturday, two tomorrow, one Sunday.

01:37:17.220 Is this your first time doing three shows in a night?

01:37:19.180 No, no.

01:37:19.780 I've been doing that a while.

01:37:20.660 But if you want to pop by, I don't know if you're busy.

01:37:23.560 No pressure.

01:37:24.640 I appreciate it.

01:37:25.840 You have one on Sunday, too?

01:37:27.380 Yeah.

01:37:28.880 Six o'clock.

01:37:29.800 Maybe I'll try to make that one.

01:37:30.740 No pressure.

01:37:31.260 Because I got, I'm heading out of town tomorrow.

01:37:33.960 Oh, okay.

01:37:35.020 Bye.

01:37:35.300 What's up, guys?

01:37:37.240 My name's Jake.

01:37:38.060 I'm out here in Houston.

01:37:39.920 Mark, I saw you last time you were out here.

01:37:42.000 It was a great show.

01:37:43.760 Traveling like y'all do, I'm wondering, what's the weirdest proposition that you've gotten

01:37:48.920 from a fan?

01:37:50.640 Not like, come to my hotel room, come to the bar, thinking more like, have you ever gotten

01:37:58.400 something like, someone's like, come to my apartment and bottle feed me or something

01:38:03.200 weird.

01:38:03.780 Oh, like an animal?

01:38:04.780 Anyways, just curious.

01:38:06.400 Gang, gang.

01:38:06.540 How would an animal even ask you that?

01:38:10.260 Interesting.

01:38:10.860 That's a good question.

01:38:11.780 I've definitely had the swingers, like, hey, we swing if you're interested, blah, blah,

01:38:15.180 blah.

01:38:15.320 But the craziest thing was one guy was like, I live out on a lake in a cabin, I tried to

01:38:21.860 say cabin and cottage, and I said, cabin.

01:38:24.780 But I lived on a cabin in the lake, and he's like, come out here, I'll pick you up from the

01:38:30.100 airport, it's like a three-hour drive, fly in early, we'll fish, we'll grill it up, we'll

01:38:34.760 watch movies, and I'm like, dude, this is a lot.

01:38:38.260 I wouldn't do this with my aunt, and you want me to do it?

01:38:41.540 I've never met you, you know?

01:38:42.780 And I know they listen to a lot of pods, so they think they know you, but I'm like,

01:38:45.960 that sounds like a nightmare.

01:38:47.040 Yeah.

01:38:47.900 But.

01:38:48.780 Yes, extensive.

01:38:49.840 People will offer you extensive things.

01:38:51.280 Come in a few days early.

01:38:52.600 Yeah.

01:38:53.400 You know, let's live it up, man.

01:38:55.480 Yeah.

01:38:56.180 We'll do something chill, man.

01:38:57.280 We'll get a bounce house. 1.00

01:38:58.480 Right, right.

01:38:59.040 You know, we'll hit the grocery, you're like, this is sounding.

01:39:01.860 This is too intimate.

01:39:02.900 Yeah, some of it's too intimate.

01:39:04.920 Yeah, and it's nice, you're like, oh, that's sweet, but that would be work.

01:39:09.120 Yeah. 0.90

01:39:09.340 Just the car ride from the airport to your three-hour cabin is like, damn, what are we 0.97

01:39:13.020 going to talk about? 0.96

01:39:14.380 That's a lot. 0.99

01:39:15.980 So, yeah, shit like that is tough, but it's also flattering. 0.99

01:39:20.040 Right. 0.99

01:39:20.620 Yeah, it is flattering that somebody would be brave enough to spend that much time with

01:39:23.760 you.

01:39:24.560 Yeah, exactly.

01:39:25.780 Yeah.

01:39:25.960 And then I think, I'm kind of jealous, because I would assume no one would want to hang out

01:39:29.080 with me, but they're like, oh, he'll want to go.

01:39:30.820 Right.

01:39:31.140 I'm like, what kind of mindset is that?

01:39:33.000 Do you think people want to go hang out with you?

01:39:34.420 Yeah.

01:39:35.380 Fascinating.

01:39:35.700 And then your time gets so busy, you're doing the shows, because people want to see the show.

01:39:39.180 Right.

01:39:39.540 That then you don't have as much free time as you used to.

01:39:41.840 Exactly.

01:39:42.780 And then you got to do your gym, you got to do your solo pod, or whatever it is, so.

01:39:48.140 It's all such a, it's life, man, it's just where we are.

01:39:51.760 Yeah, yeah, and it could be worse.

01:39:53.400 Oh, yeah, no, yeah, and I'm not complaining, I'm just trying to examine it.

01:39:56.680 Yeah.

01:39:56.980 And sometimes the examination is, you know, you have to just be honest about the examination,

01:40:04.400 even if, even whether things are going good or not good.

01:40:08.880 You still want to try and get a, be able to look at things.

01:40:11.540 Yeah, hear, hear.

01:40:12.780 You got to, what do you call it, dissect and analyze all the time.

01:40:16.320 Yeah.

01:40:17.800 Yeah, man, we're just a couple of formaldehyde frogs out here, man.

01:40:20.980 Oh, you got that right. 0.99

01:40:22.220 Boy, remember that shit where you cut that open in class? 1.00

01:40:24.320 Oh, yeah, and try to get the hot girl in your group, but then you realize how gross 1.00

01:40:27.900 it was what you were doing.

01:40:29.080 Yeah, yeah.

01:40:30.320 Ugh.

01:40:31.120 Woo.

01:40:31.820 That was better, though, because at least you weren't writing or reading.

01:40:34.900 Yeah. 0.97

01:40:35.500 It was weird to cut up on that pig, but it broke up the day a little bit. 0.89

01:40:39.560 Yeah, it was kind of an icebreaker, too. 0.97

01:40:41.740 Mm-hmm.

01:40:42.400 My teacher, I remember, was dipping when we did that.

01:40:45.040 Oh, yeah? 1.00

01:40:45.640 Yeah, that was some real Louisiana shit. 1.00

01:40:47.800 We had a teacher that got busted for homosexuality, actually. 1.00

01:40:52.880 Ooh, that was a crime.

01:40:54.320 It was a crime.

01:40:56.560 But his replacement came in during the pig cutting, so like second day of pig cutting,

01:41:02.420 we got a new guy. 1.00

01:41:03.380 Damn. 1.00

01:41:03.800 And it's this bald-headed, huge guy, and he literally was drinking a fucking like four-gallon 1.00

01:41:09.840 jug of kombucha mushroom juice, and no one had ever heard of it. 1.00

01:41:14.140 And he's like, I'm telling you, this shit will save lives. 1.00

01:41:17.460 And we're like, this guy's fucking insane. 1.00

01:41:20.520 This guy's already just starting to eat in the pig. 1.00

01:41:21.560 Oh, bro.

01:41:22.280 Yeah, it was crazy, bro. 0.97

01:41:23.500 The pig, he touches them, they start coming back to life. 0.97

01:41:26.280 But it blew our minds, man. 0.96

01:41:27.500 We'd never heard of it.

01:41:28.620 And then for 10 years, I didn't hear it.

01:41:30.620 Right.

01:41:31.160 And then it was like the biggest thing in the world.

01:41:33.240 But this dude, I got to find that guy and figure out how did he learn about that.

01:41:36.440 Let's get him on the pot. 0.99

01:41:37.520 Because that dude was sipping heavy.

01:41:39.760 Yeah.

01:41:40.340 I did shrooms last night.

01:41:41.880 Yeah?

01:41:42.280 Yeah.

01:41:42.700 How was the experience?

01:41:43.300 It's good?

01:41:43.980 I love shroom.

01:41:44.620 I think it's the best drug.

01:41:45.780 Yeah.

01:41:46.440 It's a popular drug, man.

01:41:48.200 I've thought about using it to try and get off of antidepressants.

01:41:52.060 That's what they say.

01:41:52.760 Doing the microdosing.

01:41:53.120 The microdosing.

01:41:53.420 It works.

01:41:54.200 It helps the euphoria.

01:41:55.380 Yeah.

01:41:55.940 I've had friends that have had success with it.

01:41:58.380 Because I'm sick of being addicted to like, just like, even antidepressants. 0.99

01:42:02.220 It's like, I started taking these bitches a day. 1.00

01:42:04.760 I don't even know what I'm taking. 0.99

01:42:06.460 Yeah.

01:42:06.820 Am I better?

01:42:07.860 I know.

01:42:08.880 Every doctor you go see, they're just like, oh, just keep taking them.

01:42:10.960 You're taking them, just keep taking them.

01:42:12.060 See, that's scary.

01:42:13.000 Yeah.

01:42:13.560 But you seem fine.

01:42:14.400 I mean, I don't know what's going on in the personal life, but.

01:42:16.940 I feel okay.

01:42:18.080 I think I just, but you wonder, like, how long, you know.

01:42:22.580 Yeah.

01:42:23.100 Does it ever click and you go, I don't need them anymore.

01:42:25.360 Right.

01:42:25.940 My dad was the scary dad growing up.

01:42:27.700 You know, big forearms and he'll give you one of these if you act up.

01:42:31.620 Scary dad.

01:42:32.820 And he started taking antidepressants when I was in college.

01:42:36.520 Ray of sunshine.

01:42:37.440 Wow.

01:42:37.660 So weird.

01:42:38.520 He's like, how are you?

01:42:40.460 He changes his tone and everything.

01:42:41.940 And you're like, you know, you still flinch because he was so scary.

01:42:45.000 But it 180'd him.

01:42:47.200 Totally different guy. 1.00

01:42:48.260 Damn. 0.99

01:42:48.740 It's weird. 0.99

01:42:49.260 It's almost kind of like, who's this guy?

01:42:51.200 Right.

01:42:51.920 That's the thing.

01:42:52.640 Yeah.

01:42:52.780 You're like, sometimes it's like, I feel like I'm, like there's thoughts and ideas.

01:42:56.960 And like, sometimes I think because in relationships, I'm unable to connect sometimes.

01:43:00.240 I think sometimes I'm not able to have certain feelings.

01:43:02.820 Yeah.

01:43:03.180 Because the medicine kind of just leaves you in the middle.

01:43:06.380 Yes.

01:43:06.740 So it's like, you don't really get the feelings you need to create love, which are highs and

01:43:11.680 lows, I think.

01:43:12.360 You need the high love.

01:43:13.000 And Norm always said that.

01:43:13.980 He was wildly depressed.

01:43:15.160 And people say, you want some pills? 0.99

01:43:16.300 He said, no, you got to experience the whole thing, even though it sucks. 0.95

01:43:19.960 Yeah.

01:43:20.180 Well, we're out here experiencing it, man.

01:43:23.360 Out to lunch, right?

01:43:24.660 You got it.

01:43:25.400 You can check out the special on YouTube.

01:43:26.860 Please go check it out if you haven't.

01:43:28.580 And Mark Norman touring and changing his life, dude.

01:43:33.380 And owning his stuff while he does it, man.

01:43:35.660 You got that right.

01:43:36.360 You got to own, like slavery. 0.72

01:43:37.980 Yeah.

01:43:38.300 If it even happened.

01:43:40.160 That's true.

01:43:40.780 I think it's a hoax.

01:43:41.600 They never found the boats, you know.

01:43:46.240 The Holocaust wasn't real. 0.89

01:43:48.020 That's Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen.

01:43:50.960 Thanks for coming, man.

01:43:51.740 Hey, thanks for having me.

01:43:52.640 Good to be here, Fatty.

01:43:53.820 Praise Allah.

01:43:54.940 I'll see you on the road.

01:43:56.640 Yeah, that's good.

01:43:57.900 Yeah.

01:43:58.420 Hey, all right.

01:43:59.440 Fun ep.

01:44:00.680 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be

01:44:05.900 sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure

01:44:10.740 your partner.

01:44:12.020 The answer may shock you.

01:44:13.760 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:44:15.820 Sometimes I won't.

01:44:17.500 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:44:20.420 You have three new voice messages.

01:44:23.020 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:44:26.340 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:44:29.020 Longer than anybody else.

01:44:30.680 So great.

01:44:32.000 Hi.

01:44:32.640 Sweetie.

01:44:33.600 Easy deal. 1.00

01:44:34.940 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:44:38.940 Jermaine. 1.00

01:44:40.180 Ho-hoi. 0.97

01:44:41.080 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:44:44.000 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:44:46.100 Ho-ho-ho. 0.97

01:44:47.360 No.

01:44:48.340 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:44:50.640 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:44:54.960 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:44:59.220 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,

01:45:04.340 yeah?

01:45:04.960 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - October 08, 2021

E361 Mark Normand

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