This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E369 Nick Swardson

00:00:00.000 oh man i need help i need help what's wrong is your leg broken is your arms something with your

00:00:06.760 neck or something your face or whatever no my brain something's wrong with my brain or i'm

00:00:14.160 feeling bad oh then maybe you should call better help yep better help b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p

00:00:23.780 betterhelp.com slash theo yep this podcast is sponsored by better help and this past weekend

00:00:31.280 listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com slash theo if you're struggling

00:00:36.180 with something in your brain or mentally emotions better help they can help today's episode is

00:00:42.180 brought to you by liquid death you know i struggle with hair loss man and i try and do what i can

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00:01:47.320 slash theo to get your first month free keeps.com slash theo uh today's guest is a just a real energetic

00:01:56.380 man and he's got that that thing in him he's got that spunk in him you know he's a real spunk dragon

00:02:04.920 if you see him if you beat him spunk would come out that's who he is he's a movie actor and he's a

00:02:13.300 comedian you know him from a lot of the greats and um we're here today to get to spend time with him

00:02:19.240 we're blessed by this minnesota vikings fan my friend comedian nick swartzen

00:02:26.660 for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind shine that light on me

00:02:36.100 i'll sit and tell you my stories shine on me

00:02:46.740 and i will find a song i'll be singing just

00:02:53.100 ladies and gentlemen

00:03:02.200 no i wanted to just quickly say brian callen fucking eat me out

00:03:07.640 eat me out brian callen where are the all right that's what i wanted to just kick off

00:03:15.200 whoo yeah that's a starter meal huh that's a that's a kick off that's a eat me out off that's a

00:03:23.800 slapitizer bro and would he do it though i mean is he that snacky guy i don't know if he would seem

00:03:34.320 like a real snacker to me i feel like he would make people do that to him yeah or i'm generous with

00:03:40.600 my a noose my fucking anal tunnel oh yeah it's just you know people can just sign up there's a

00:03:48.740 sign-up sheet outside my building really yeah anybody that's walking by just jot it down get in

00:03:54.940 there damn do you wish you had do you ever wish that your anus was bigger or do you wish it was

00:04:01.320 smaller um i've thought about that every day of my life when i wake up yeah i just i touch it and

00:04:08.900 i'm like man it's still kind of medium but i think tighter you know what i mean just for

00:04:14.000 um a lot of my friends that are you know big finger yeah but um yeah you i mean but yeah it's

00:04:22.660 how you could you could steal somebody's ring you know like they do one um member on uh i think

00:04:28.400 robin hood when he kisses the um the captain's hand oh yeah um yeah he was fucking throbbing

00:04:39.740 as hard as a rock no i don't want my asshole to be too loose like i want to feel my shits you know

00:04:46.120 what i mean i don't want to just fall out yeah just go a wall yeah like somebody just throwing

00:04:50.100 them on your doorstep like an amazon guy yeah yeah i don't want him just fucking swan diving when i

00:04:55.120 take a shit and like clean landing i wanted to i want to feel it yeah oh wow huh yeah damn you're

00:05:01.740 like a real outdoorsman yeah i'm very thirsty yeah you're very old school yeah if i can i'll

00:05:07.900 take a shit anywhere i think in the future people shitting will be a thing of the past actually

00:05:12.160 defecating as a human like if you see somebody go in a room by themselves to have

00:05:17.520 special desecration or whatever it's called desecration desecration leave their body

00:05:23.540 defecation isn't it defecation yeah yeah desecration i think is um when you put your

00:05:29.380 turtleneck on backwards oh damn yeah i think that's what it is um but damn dog no the futures is

00:05:38.220 going to be like eye toilets or something or it's like apple will drop like yeah some new thing

00:05:43.600 yeah i wonder what's going to happen it's exciting to think about is it yeah yeah i hope apple's

00:05:49.160 listening if steve jobs's ghost is here we got to get out a fucking ouija board wake that

00:05:54.740 motherfucker up dude where's your eye toilet you fucking dead guy you just press a button and the

00:06:01.460 meal leaves your stomach yeah you put your phone like just put it right against your stomach and it

00:06:05.880 just fucking absorbs it and then it sends it right to brendan schaub's mouth it just appears

00:06:12.460 brendan schaub will be like eating at some fucking stupid restaurant like he and then just shit just

00:06:20.000 fills his mouth like a fucking italian chipmunk just harboring nuts for the winter oh and he gets back

00:06:28.500 in his leopard skin miata that he bought for eight million dollars because he didn't doesn't know how

00:06:33.240 to buy things when you child when you every time you floor it in there you can hear an endangered

00:06:39.480 species die i feel like you can hear many special animals kill themselves yeah dude it runs on ebola

00:06:47.680 eboli auto that's the new fucking car brendan drives um no but i think in the future you everyone

00:06:55.980 will wear like a colostomy bag you'll just empty it i think actually having to go to a room to like

00:07:00.240 because it's crazy when you think about it i'm going to go off to a private room

00:07:03.800 and get like uh liquids or solids out of my body it almost seems like you're like a bad magician

00:07:10.940 right yeah yeah but it's a trick that everybody knows and the trick smells yeah like if you pull

00:07:18.360 a rabbit out of a hat doesn't smell unless the rabbit's dead yeah yeah that's true

00:07:24.040 that makes sense bad magic and it's just some guys pulling dead rabbits out of a hat

00:07:30.100 how is that not a show there's every other fucking show on the air it's so stupid i was like

00:07:37.400 quarantining and shit back in the day i can't even say that which is weird so yeah you left out of

00:07:42.080 columbus and what i left out of columbus and i didn't know it was happening like everybody else i

00:07:46.660 was like what is happening and uh you know people were just it was up in the air and then uh i um

00:07:53.480 went and just they're like you gotta quarantine so i came back to la and got my shit and then i went back

00:07:58.300 to minnesota where i'm from yeah and quarantined in my sister's basement which was a house that i i

00:08:04.920 bought her so your basement my basement she i remind her of that every time i step foot in that

00:08:11.660 fucking place anyway i'll digress on that but it was just weird because then it was like there were

00:08:19.200 murder hornets and like all this weird shit kept dropping and then i love that the pentagon

00:08:23.940 revealed that they're aliens they're like no there's proof there's aliens people like yeah

00:08:28.600 yeah cool anyway what's going on with this disease like nobody cared about anything yeah they drop

00:08:34.000 murder hornets on us i don't even know what the fuck that is yeah i feel like they kind of like it

00:08:38.340 was a time where like they're gonna slip other things out while people are heavily yeah totally

00:08:42.520 they're like oh they're looking that way dude it's there's a lot of like distraction going on

00:08:47.880 well that comes to my point so i was in quarantine and uh i got in minnesota and what are you doing

00:08:54.440 there are you working during the day are you doing anything are you doing email i use my fucking mind

00:08:58.700 okay so i just sat there and i read books and i caught up on netflix shows and i journaled and i

00:09:06.200 caught up with a lot of friends and i did some podcasts and shit or like phoners and stuff but um i just

00:09:12.260 sat there and like really thought about my life and uh you know what i wanted to accomplish in my next

00:09:17.620 chapter you know what i mean yeah so i didn't drink or anything i was fucking sober guy dude wow

00:09:22.560 yeah i didn't fucking you were living clean out there now were you doing a gym were you elliptical

00:09:27.200 in or anything no i just did push-ups it was like a kind of a it was like uh were you incarcerated

00:09:32.440 it's not like you're incarcerated yeah it was a prison with netflix your sister's upstairs

00:09:36.600 she's upstairs and my nieces and nephews and stuff and i was like just don't even

00:09:41.080 don't come in this sanctuary yeah yeah and i took shits i'm not gonna lie yeah and

00:09:47.500 uh the dog would run in and he would watch me poop and then he would be like all right i'm

00:09:52.080 this is this is like the third time in like half hour you're like he's like rerun yeah and so then i

00:09:59.320 got a message from expedia and they were like are you ready for your trip to key west i had fucking

00:10:05.960 forgot that i booked a trip to key west that december before covet or anything i was like oh i've

00:10:12.060 always wanted to go to key west yeah and just kick it you know i've read hemingway i like the

00:10:16.600 show bloodline so i went to key west florida i left there and then i went to south carolina and hung

00:10:23.060 out with danny mcbride for like oh yeah yeah i love danny i almost moved there he's like you gotta

00:10:27.740 move here dude yeah and i almost did but i went down to key west and uh i was gonna go back up to

00:10:34.300 south carolina but i stayed in key west i was supposed to be there for 10 days i stayed for

00:10:39.480 a year and a half in fucking key west i was there a year and a half that's not a joke and what did you

00:10:46.220 start like a not a farm but did you do like a um job or something did you get hired anywhere nope

00:10:51.960 what i just tuned out i was just everything was so fucking bonkers in 2020 that i was just over it

00:10:59.620 dude so i just stayed down there and it was so removed from everything like nobody gave a fuck

00:11:05.280 i had no idea what day it was after a while when i just stayed i just kicked it were you partying

00:11:10.360 were you sailing were you i partied initially and sailed initially yeah and then i just

00:11:15.720 fucking had a couple fucking pops and then i would just listen to the song sailing

00:11:20.500 yeah by christopher cross and that was a lot easier sailing takes me away and suck my own

00:11:28.860 but uh no but it was awesome though like nobody was on twitter nobody was like yeah everybody was

00:11:35.880 just like island life and i just fell in love with it and was it like um were you doing um any

00:11:43.080 employment at all or you just i didn't do shit i did nothing did you try to get a job did you fill

00:11:47.920 i was just over it i thought about some shit and i was like planning on coming home like what like

00:11:53.160 real estate or what were you considering no i was gonna like shave my pubes and just make dream

00:11:58.300 catchers or some shit like that's what key west is like like after a year i didn't even own clothes

00:12:03.000 i just wore like butterflies is there government down there i feel like it's just like basically

00:12:07.960 people down there just like obviously these people hate native americans and everybody because

00:12:13.400 they're they're trying to get out of america is a lot of cubans is a latino there what is it it's

00:12:18.700 kind of everything i mean it's local it's uh i mean it's you know it's a lot of tourists it's a big

00:12:25.220 tourist spot you know so it's a lot of people driving from florida and there's a lot of fishing

00:12:29.100 there's a lot of fishing and there's a lot of like snowbirds but it's funny because when i landed my

00:12:34.780 buddy picked me up and he goes welcome to the island of misfit toys and i go what does that mean he

00:12:41.100 goes you'll see and i didn't know what that meant and then after a little bit i was like oh yeah

00:12:45.720 like everybody's just going rogue dude like everyone's got a story everybody that i met was

00:12:52.320 like yeah i came down here like on a connection with a flight and then i just stayed for like 20

00:12:57.520 years like it's just the best like relief yeah i was on the airline they lost my family like the

00:13:03.540 airline lost your family yeah i was flying over key west and then i decided fuck i'm just gonna

00:13:09.140 parachute out of this shit and just open the door but it was awesome it was just it was fucking

00:13:15.560 crazy i can't believe i was there that long wow it was so fun and i met the coolest people all the

00:13:20.540 locals are great really yeah now is there a lot of because you seem like a kind of place where people

00:13:24.920 are sneaking out they're getting like a lot of times you see on american greed the guy ends up down

00:13:31.420 in key west is there like a lot of hidden like people that could have been doing murders or anything

00:13:37.880 like that down there i feel like it's a lot of like kind of like you'll never catch me type of

00:13:42.040 people i mean you know i didn't i wasn't like a part of that scene but i mean it exists it's like

00:13:48.040 the show bloodline have you seen that i saw half the first episode the first season is fucking dope

00:13:53.400 it is but it's a lot of hiding bodies i didn't see that i mean i hid a lot of big garbage bags that

00:14:00.120 were really heavy but i didn't look inside yeah so it could have been i'm just gonna say it was

00:14:05.920 a bunch of um iguanas that's how i'm gonna visualize did you see like um that speak english

00:14:13.200 and yell help did you feel did you feel i feel like it's a lot of people wearing eye patches and

00:14:20.360 a lot of people like all right if you knew what happened you know you'd be fine lad you couldn't

00:14:25.200 your mother was a r you know i feel like it's like a lot of like there is that like there's

00:14:30.020 like those bars yeah then there's like heavy tourist bars and then there was uh is there a

00:14:35.520 margaritaville um yeah i'm almost sure there was i never went to it they have like the margaritaville

00:14:41.660 like the fat tuesdays is there a chico's is that fat tuesdays what's the one that's like the big

00:14:46.460 and tall clothing store obese ricks obese ricks yeah no um i don't know yeah yeah big thick ricks

00:14:57.440 hey welcome to thick ricks the guy's just talking he's like a mr potato heavy on the potato yeah

00:15:06.440 mr potato hey do you mind just pouring some ketchup on my body they don't know they don't have cologne

00:15:14.160 they just have gravy they just fucking yeah oh what are you wearing uh that's uh sausage yeah

00:15:22.000 that's um stouffer's new cologne yeah why not oh damn no but it's one of those places tyson does a

00:15:28.800 deodorant oh my god that's amazing oh my god these condoms have real sheepskin in them

00:15:37.700 yeah it's chewy oh man oh no the lamb here is great oh my god this shirt has chocolate chips on

00:15:46.280 it um yeah but it's one of those places where the dive bars like i just didn't really go to them

00:15:52.440 because it's kind of like you said it's one of those things where i was told this where you walk

00:15:57.700 in and they're like who are you like eye patch fucking eye patchies yeah some guy takes his eye

00:16:05.920 out of his mouth because it's wet it's just gotten wet enough to put back in socket yeah it makes it

00:16:10.240 sound like because it's just been sweating but yeah but there's a lot of great bars sandbar is

00:16:16.000 awesome it's like the sports bar there i was there a lot and uh it's just cool man did you think you

00:16:21.080 were missing out on the world did you feel no i was a big i don't know anybody else that just kind

00:16:25.340 of went to a place and was like this is what i'm gonna do yeah i mean i don't know who else did i

00:16:30.640 mean i was there just chilling but it was perfect because every time i would look at my phone or look

00:16:36.300 at twitter it was just there was always something fucking bonkers happening like no day was chill

00:16:42.020 and it would like stress me out and i'm like oh god yeah so then i was like get me the fuck out of

00:16:47.900 here were people down there like in were they uh by is it a lot of people trying to escape the

00:16:54.320 pandemic was it people believing the pandemic was it a lot of like deniers or was it just

00:16:59.060 what was what was the vibe down there it was a lot of you know it's a lot of locals and it's a lot of

00:17:04.620 people that you know there were people that kind of believed it and kind of were you know not believed

00:17:10.620 it but like we're like oh yeah no like you got to be careful right i mean nobody was like reckless

00:17:16.240 you know nobody was walking around sneezing into a fucking megaphone yeah but um i don't even know

00:17:22.360 sneezing straight into a baby's ass yeah get that baby butt sneezing jefferson but uh yeah no it was

00:17:30.720 you're sneezing him and his arms go like this yeah boink and he just cries blood out of his ears

00:17:36.480 no uh no it was it was chill but like you know there was you know they took your temperature and

00:17:41.860 people wore masks and but a lot of people came to key west to like get away from the masks and i hear

00:17:47.040 there's a lot of like risque sex parties and stuff down there did you see any i didn't see i'd heard

00:17:51.700 stuff that's kind of one reason why i was intrigued i'm not i'm not going to a sex party yeah because

00:17:57.300 every party i go to is a sex party no um like i just i hear it's like a real semeny mardi gras down

00:18:04.400 there you know like that's kind of what you hear there are semen fights those break out at happy

00:18:08.960 hour yeah so it's just you know a lot of fucking spiderwebs i'm looking at new york

00:18:15.240 but no it wasn't as wild but also this is post-covid so pre-covid i heard it was a lot

00:18:24.760 crazier they have a thing called fantasy fest and they have stuff like that where they're like dude

00:18:29.720 it's there's no rules it's just completely insane and it's fantasy fest is it a gay festival because

00:18:36.320 it's because it's also no it's like anything it's a it's a lot of like swingers like that was kind

00:18:41.640 of a vibe that i got it's a lot of people that are like down like married couples from ohio that

00:18:48.520 came down for a weekend oh they wheel in that brother just now they're wearing toilet seats and

00:18:53.260 they have all they always have some brother shows up in a tony gwen jersey and you're like oh this dude

00:18:57.780 yeah this dude's getting on base and then they're like is that minute ball and it just might be

00:19:03.720 best in peace to both those guys they've passed have they yeah oh yeah at fantasy fest

00:19:10.620 they started coming all their organs out because they were fucking so much

00:19:15.220 blip blip that's my spleen that's my spleen yeah sir you're an organ donor thank you you donated to my

00:19:25.720 butt bank oh yeah um but yeah it was great man and then i came back it like kind of changed my whole

00:19:34.720 view of everything so i came back briefly to los angeles for a couple weeks to shoot uh commercial

00:19:40.880 and uh just makes it a little for what is it for boston market it was for wendy's uh-uh yeah it was like

00:19:48.640 um just only online and then i went back to my place in la and i got a condo it's nice you know

00:19:54.600 it's chill and i looked at all my stuff i'm like why do i have all this stuff i don't need this shit

00:19:59.880 and i fucking got rid of like so much of my clothes my shoes i got rid of my like i had a rolex i had a

00:20:07.900 diamond chain i got rid of all of it all of it and i was just like i don't need it and that's what was

00:20:12.180 cool about key west is like i was there for that long and i had maybe eight shirts two pairs of

00:20:19.380 shorts flip flops and a pair of shoes damn and i was happy as fuck dude i was like why do i don't

00:20:24.580 need all this shit you know what i mean it was really cool and it really like made me realize

00:20:30.160 how much when you just have so much shit i got rid of my car five years ago yeah and uh like the more

00:20:35.980 stuff you have i mean i live in a neighborhood where i can walk everywhere but you know i just got rid

00:20:40.640 of shit and it was just i donated it you know what i mean and it felt cathartic you're saying

00:20:44.540 it was cathartic and it's like if you if you're out there and you're listening yeah like just look

00:20:50.240 around your you know where you live and just go like do i need this so need this there was so much

00:20:55.840 backup blender you don't need that yeah you don't need a fucking fourth fax machine yeah you have 40

00:21:02.260 bath towels yeah yeah not too much you have one body yeah you have one body yeah and i mean people

00:21:09.280 on qs would be like oh yeah dude you're still here that's dope and i go yeah and they're like

00:21:13.540 dude do you need another shirt i'm like yeah and they're like all right and we would like barter

00:21:18.680 i'm like here here's my spleen and i'd fucking jerk a spleen into their fucking grill

00:21:23.180 but uh yeah it was just it was it just really humming bats down there is it the kind of place

00:21:29.380 where you're jerking off or you save that more for the mainland what's going on down there be honest

00:21:33.440 with me with what because if i get to island if i go out to an island dude i feel like the first

00:21:39.040 thing i want to do when i get there is spray out you know just unleash the seed bust 100 son yeah i

00:21:47.960 mean i just it's like it's almost like doing it's like your own little christopher columbus it's your

00:21:52.240 own little whatever that place is called chesapeake or whatever where'd they land at

00:21:56.440 plymouth rock plymouth rock dude yeah no i mean it was i played with my jennies a couple times i

00:22:03.900 pretended like my my balls were like an island and then my dick was like a palm tree so i'll just

00:22:09.960 squeeze it and then make the tree unleash a fucking blizzard but yeah i know i fucking touched my jens

00:22:19.340 was it um it was just like whatever the fuck you want to do it's like the movie office space which is

00:22:24.760 great if you haven't seen it watch it but there's a scene where peter um played by ron livingston gets

00:22:30.040 hypnotized he's like a nine to five corporate yeah i remember that and um nine to five dude and he gets

00:22:36.400 hypnotized and he goes into his zone and has this clarity oh damn and he just the more he doesn't give

00:22:44.160 a fuck the more things happen to him that are good and there's a scene where his buddy goes hey man

00:22:49.880 peter what's going on with you and peter just goes have you ever done nothing it's so much better than

00:22:57.720 you think it is and that's kind of how i was because i was you know i i started comedy when i

00:23:03.600 was 19 and i was immediately on tv and toured my whole life and i'm 45 and i was filming and touring

00:23:10.320 and filming and touring and i never just stopped and like took a breath because everywhere i went i would

00:23:15.300 do shows so i was always kind of it's a little stressful you know so it just was constant so

00:23:19.720 when i got there i think that's why i stayed so long because as i was just like oh i've never just

00:23:24.760 been like i don't want to go through my emails i don't want to check twitter i don't want to go i

00:23:29.560 were on facebook i don't want to do this i just want to like wake up wave to the fucking sun

00:23:34.720 go get a fucking cocktail go to the fucking beach it's right there it was just so awesome and the people

00:23:41.840 were so great so so many cool people people struggle people struggle if you even look in

00:23:47.000 the bible or if you look at uh even as old movies or anything you could definitely see a lot of people

00:23:53.280 are struggling so it's not shocking that you might need help and if you can't get help in your area or

00:24:00.160 if you don't want to go to a brook and mortar building because you might be nervous or scared

00:24:04.780 better help is available that's right better help available worldwide there's a broad range

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00:24:38.940 charge of their mental health in fact so many people have been using better help that they are

00:24:43.900 recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states this podcast is sponsored by better help and tpw

00:24:50.620 listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com slash theo a lot of people wait

00:24:57.020 to the end of the end of the world to get athletic or to take care of their health you see somebody 90

00:25:03.920 years old they going for a run first run like what are you doing brenda what's up hank get out the

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00:25:48.880 peloton bike at onepeloton.com terms apply did you learn anything about yourself kind of in that time

00:25:56.860 because it is a real because i i i get afraid to take a break sometimes you know well i mean i learned

00:26:02.680 that i to decompress and to like take care of myself and uh also just just you know i mean like

00:26:10.660 again being 45 you know the world just changed so much like we grew up without social media and grew

00:26:15.440 up without all this shit and all this stuff and like i said like 2020 2021 we're just so it's just

00:26:22.200 still insane but it's like it was just system overload essentially yeah so i was like when i

00:26:27.740 was quarantined and i was stone sober i was like oh i i want to go back to like reading and like

00:26:34.260 just hanging out with like being with myself you know and not having stimulus and all these people

00:26:39.900 and all this bullshit would you read you read books zines what were you reading i read fucking zines

00:26:44.780 did you read books yeah i read yeah i can read i think i used to read outdoor american can you pull

00:26:51.380 that up colin don't pull it up unlike callin and shop i can read there you go outdoor america right

00:26:58.740 there budget set up for fall walleye go back to that go back to the dime with the walleye huh

00:27:05.980 and what's the article at the top

00:27:09.740 dude look at you you want to catch your brown eye hey here we go huh

00:27:16.040 yeah that's what's up dude

00:27:17.200 that's what's up dude

00:27:18.440 the old cold water crappy huh

00:27:26.020 oh shit

00:27:27.060 wearing how to catch fall crappy

00:27:29.420 oh grab your crabs

00:27:30.740 question of my life

00:27:32.280 and we did you do any fishing tours down there

00:27:35.080 yeah i went out like everybody there has a boat

00:27:37.340 it's like you want to go on the boat and i love the ocean i love the water it's just that to me is really cathartic

00:27:41.960 do you jump in the water when you get out there you stay in the boat

00:27:44.380 no i walk on the water i'm jesus

00:27:46.100 yeah of course i

00:27:47.340 yeah i get in the fucking water

00:27:49.620 it's a trip dude so you go out like way out and it's still walkable

00:27:54.300 yeah

00:27:54.740 like they're like sandbars they call them

00:27:56.700 damn

00:27:57.480 yeah it was so you really lived it up

00:27:59.360 so at was there a point where uh

00:28:01.960 i would take naps

00:28:02.820 yeah i'd take like three naps a day

00:28:05.000 oh

00:28:05.440 it was so awesome

00:28:07.120 dude i took a nap

00:28:09.400 i think this is two days ago

00:28:11.740 probably the first nap i've taken in

00:28:13.400 a couple years maybe

00:28:15.480 it was so nice

00:28:18.200 it was like only about 14 minutes

00:28:19.880 but it was so nice

00:28:20.980 i feel like it's hard to sleep at night

00:28:23.040 it's easier to sleep

00:28:24.040 get real good rest during a nap

00:28:25.640 do you think that

00:28:26.360 yeah

00:28:27.700 i think i mean i've learned

00:28:29.560 with all the stuff like

00:28:31.240 i've got a holistic doctor

00:28:32.560 and people like

00:28:33.480 that you know

00:28:34.680 turn me on to certain things

00:28:36.100 and they were like

00:28:37.300 listen to your body

00:28:38.460 they were like listen

00:28:40.040 if your body's tired

00:28:40.940 you should fucking

00:28:41.620 lie down

00:28:42.320 here's just 10 minutes

00:28:43.640 15 minutes

00:28:44.320 yeah

00:28:44.740 you know if you're hungry

00:28:45.820 like eat

00:28:46.440 you know what i mean

00:28:47.120 if your body's like

00:28:47.820 hey i want to eat

00:28:48.780 yeah

00:28:49.300 like just grab a piece of fruit

00:28:50.840 grab some fucking veggies

00:28:52.040 damn

00:28:52.820 yeah

00:28:53.480 so what brought you back

00:28:54.800 is there

00:28:55.280 now that you're back

00:28:56.440 in los andos

00:28:57.880 in a mainland america

00:28:59.700 do you feel like

00:29:00.600 there's anything that

00:29:01.740 like

00:29:02.340 was there stuff that you missed

00:29:04.180 do you feel like you

00:29:05.280 want to do

00:29:06.880 more work

00:29:08.260 do you feel like you want to go back there

00:29:09.840 like what do you kind of feel now

00:29:11.180 i wanted to

00:29:12.400 i mean i wanted to retire

00:29:14.060 i wasn't planning on coming home

00:29:15.680 really

00:29:16.140 and then i met

00:29:17.160 i mean every day

00:29:18.320 i would meet fans

00:29:19.360 and take photos

00:29:20.240 and they're all like

00:29:21.320 what are you working on next

00:29:22.180 you know when's your next stand-up special

00:29:23.720 when are you touring again

00:29:24.560 because all my tour dates got canceled

00:29:26.020 because of covid

00:29:26.540 and uh

00:29:28.000 i realized

00:29:29.500 then i would go like

00:29:30.160 ah i think i'm gonna retire

00:29:31.240 and then people

00:29:32.140 would look on their face

00:29:33.340 and be like

00:29:33.700 what

00:29:34.900 i'm like

00:29:36.060 yeah i don't know

00:29:37.500 i think i might just live here

00:29:38.620 and they're like

00:29:39.180 you can't do that

00:29:40.980 and then i

00:29:42.280 you know

00:29:42.700 like a lot of my friends

00:29:44.160 and people were like

00:29:44.960 dude you can't

00:29:46.000 you're fucking 44

00:29:47.380 at the time

00:29:48.380 you can't just

00:29:49.560 cash in now

00:29:51.240 and uh

00:29:52.920 they were like

00:29:53.520 you gotta like

00:29:54.100 keep going

00:29:54.700 and then i talked to my agents

00:29:56.040 and shit

00:29:56.460 and they were like

00:29:57.000 yeah where have you been

00:29:58.060 yeah

00:29:58.720 and i'm like

00:29:59.860 you they could hear parrots

00:30:00.900 in the background

00:30:01.560 and i'm eating a tarantula

00:30:03.520 i don't even know

00:30:03.960 what is going on

00:30:05.040 and uh

00:30:06.460 so they're like

00:30:07.480 just come home dude

00:30:08.480 just come on man

00:30:09.540 you can't quit

00:30:10.540 and i had a

00:30:11.260 it was frustrating

00:30:12.120 because i had a new special

00:30:13.160 before covid

00:30:13.900 i had all this stuff

00:30:14.740 so i

00:30:15.860 took a little bit more time

00:30:17.660 and then i was like

00:30:18.580 i gotta come home

00:30:19.540 and i got offered two movies

00:30:21.180 wow

00:30:21.720 i start filming in february

00:30:23.040 you do

00:30:23.700 yeah and then

00:30:24.560 i'm starting to do stand up again

00:30:26.380 and so i

00:30:27.500 i missed it

00:30:28.440 you know

00:30:28.780 what's the movie gonna be about

00:30:30.200 there are two sequels

00:30:31.760 one is a sequel to a movie called the binge

00:30:33.760 which is on amazon

00:30:35.180 which i

00:30:35.860 i had not seen it

00:30:37.060 but my friend was producing it

00:30:38.720 and they offered me the sequel

00:30:39.980 and i watch it

00:30:41.360 and it's

00:30:41.600 it's

00:30:42.000 it's funny dude

00:30:42.900 it's some really funny shit

00:30:44.200 vince vond's in it

00:30:45.540 it's a really good cast

00:30:47.120 it's about

00:30:47.780 like the movie the purge

00:30:49.660 you know that

00:30:50.180 it's like a big franchise

00:30:51.060 oh yeah yeah

00:30:51.580 i saw the purge

00:30:52.420 where one day

00:30:53.240 you can like kill

00:30:54.080 and rob and shit

00:30:54.960 yeah

00:30:55.300 this one is

00:30:56.100 it's in the future

00:30:57.640 and it's like

00:30:58.280 the world is sober

00:30:59.200 and one day

00:31:00.840 everything's legal

00:31:01.860 every drug

00:31:02.700 alcohol

00:31:03.240 everything's legal

00:31:04.360 damn

00:31:04.940 yeah

00:31:05.420 so it's like

00:31:06.680 what would you do

00:31:07.820 if you had one day

00:31:09.000 uh

00:31:09.900 and then we'll get to this question

00:31:11.260 that came in

00:31:11.620 if you had one day

00:31:12.560 what would you do

00:31:13.680 where everything's legal

00:31:14.600 what would i do

00:31:16.620 what drug wise

00:31:18.100 yeah

00:31:18.640 or anything

00:31:19.440 if anything was legal

00:31:21.560 everything is kind of legal

00:31:23.720 i mean if you get away with it

00:31:26.040 no i mean i don't know

00:31:27.180 i'm not gonna rob a house

00:31:28.340 or kill

00:31:28.980 i don't know

00:31:29.380 i mean

00:31:29.640 i don't think i could

00:31:30.400 you'd have to kill

00:31:31.060 i mean

00:31:32.940 you gotta kill something

00:31:34.360 you know

00:31:34.960 it's not that hard these days

00:31:36.740 to find somebody to kill

00:31:37.780 i don't think

00:31:38.320 i would probably

00:31:40.120 i don't

00:31:40.520 i couldn't kill

00:31:41.380 my friend killed somebody

00:31:42.240 uh by choice

00:31:44.040 or you just made it oopsie

00:31:46.920 i mean it's

00:31:47.840 you know

00:31:48.240 i'm not trying to

00:31:49.040 somebody fell on a gun

00:31:50.460 it's not

00:31:51.220 i mean i'm not trying to

00:31:52.160 like you know

00:31:52.860 oh god

00:31:54.800 well no you already opened

00:31:55.600 the can of worms

00:31:56.200 but you know

00:31:56.680 got raked himself

00:31:57.660 oh some guy accidentally

00:31:58.680 raked himself to death

00:32:00.080 in his own yard

00:32:01.120 that's interesting

00:32:02.280 he just punched his dick

00:32:03.980 into his ass

00:32:04.640 until he bled out

00:32:05.460 oh jesus christ

00:32:07.580 merry christmas

00:32:08.820 bring that image

00:32:10.280 home to your family

00:32:11.060 oh bro

00:32:11.620 there's been times

00:32:12.340 where i just wanted

00:32:12.800 to climb into my own ass

00:32:14.140 man

00:32:14.500 yeah

00:32:15.000 that's what i mean

00:32:16.240 i did that in key west

00:32:17.160 and just disappear

00:32:18.500 yeah you just hide

00:32:19.700 in a little fucking

00:32:20.440 warm cave

00:32:21.020 yeah

00:32:21.840 and just reach out

00:32:22.760 with one hand

00:32:23.360 and cut the lights

00:32:24.140 off like that

00:32:25.140 yep

00:32:25.580 hold it

00:32:26.380 just hold it

00:32:26.800 over the hole

00:32:27.240 yeah

00:32:27.660 um

00:32:29.500 but yeah

00:32:30.440 so i'm doing that

00:32:30.960 and then a sequel

00:32:31.400 to a movie i did

00:32:32.140 called uh

00:32:32.880 the buddy games

00:32:33.560 me and josh

00:32:34.160 de malandak shepherd

00:32:35.060 olivia munn

00:32:36.040 it was a big uh

00:32:37.880 it was a big hit

00:32:38.820 it's on video on demand

00:32:39.760 and you can

00:32:40.580 it's on a bunch of

00:32:41.520 streaming

00:32:42.120 we'll never see it

00:32:43.100 but

00:32:43.460 no

00:32:43.920 you will

00:32:45.000 but uh

00:32:46.820 we'll see it on an

00:32:47.400 airplane probably

00:32:48.180 i feel like people

00:32:49.120 most rated r bro

00:32:50.300 do you feel like

00:32:50.880 it's interesting

00:32:51.300 how movies now

00:32:52.080 have kind of

00:32:52.480 disappeared a little

00:32:53.260 it's like since

00:32:53.740 the theaters are gone

00:32:54.760 it's different

00:32:55.480 um

00:32:57.100 yeah but they're

00:32:57.780 coming back

00:32:58.400 i mean

00:32:58.580 movies are still

00:33:00.100 i mean

00:33:00.500 i feel bad

00:33:01.920 because a lot of

00:33:02.520 the movies that were

00:33:03.160 like huge movies

00:33:04.400 um

00:33:05.460 like dune

00:33:06.520 and ghostbusters

00:33:07.580 and there was

00:33:08.280 like a handful

00:33:08.820 of them

00:33:09.240 that are being

00:33:10.020 released

00:33:10.540 but

00:33:10.880 you know

00:33:12.120 it just

00:33:12.460 it fucking

00:33:13.160 was a cock block

00:33:13.880 so my movie

00:33:14.560 buddy games

00:33:15.080 was supposed to

00:33:15.460 be in the theaters

00:33:16.000 and we got

00:33:16.440 c-blocked

00:33:18.100 but

00:33:18.340 check it out

00:33:18.860 i will check out

00:33:19.400 buddy games

00:33:19.820 because i like

00:33:20.320 i like a title

00:33:21.080 like that

00:33:21.440 buddy games

00:33:22.420 it's fun dude

00:33:23.240 yeah so we're

00:33:23.980 doing a sequel

00:33:24.420 to that

00:33:24.800 so i'm filming

00:33:25.420 i would love

00:33:26.120 that

00:33:26.380 dude i could

00:33:27.080 see you doing

00:33:27.720 like a

00:33:28.220 a good movie

00:33:28.880 for you i think

00:33:29.500 would be doing

00:33:30.080 like something

00:33:30.620 with armadillos

00:33:31.440 or like night

00:33:32.180 animals

00:33:32.640 i've been offered

00:33:33.360 that a lot

00:33:34.060 yeah this is

00:33:35.380 they've offered

00:33:36.260 me armadillo

00:33:36.820 the movie

00:33:37.440 armadillo

00:33:38.520 um the horror

00:33:40.100 movie

00:33:40.360 are you joking

00:33:41.280 around

00:33:41.720 no man

00:33:42.380 i don't joke

00:33:42.860 about armadillo

00:33:43.420 a lot of

00:33:44.100 people do

00:33:44.540 you could

00:33:45.160 you think

00:33:45.860 you could

00:33:46.120 get offered

00:33:46.420 a porno

00:33:46.940 armadillo

00:33:47.500 did you

00:33:48.440 really

00:33:48.760 damn dude

00:33:49.540 it just

00:33:50.160 comes out

00:33:50.520 at night

00:33:51.020 right under

00:33:52.140 your bum

00:33:52.780 yep comes

00:33:53.500 out while

00:33:53.860 you're sleeping

00:33:54.380 it's

00:33:55.880 and it's

00:33:56.600 the size

00:33:56.960 of an arm

00:33:57.500 it is

00:33:58.940 it has a

00:33:59.680 watch around

00:34:00.220 its neck

00:34:00.780 yep

00:34:02.240 dude that is

00:34:03.480 some flavor

00:34:04.100 flavor right there

00:34:04.980 bro you know

00:34:05.320 armadillos can

00:34:05.860 jump really high

00:34:06.540 can we get a

00:34:07.000 video of that

00:34:07.520 please

00:34:07.940 okay there's

00:34:12.000 the fucking

00:34:12.440 armadillo

00:34:13.000 look at that

00:34:13.820 bad girl

00:34:14.780 huh

00:34:15.260 shorty thick

00:34:16.300 huh

00:34:16.520 don't they

00:34:17.180 she looks

00:34:17.640 mexican kind

00:34:18.460 of with her

00:34:18.740 hair like

00:34:19.120 that

00:34:19.560 what don't

00:34:22.280 they have

00:34:22.540 like um

00:34:23.280 like scales

00:34:24.720 or something

00:34:25.300 what's on

00:34:26.260 their back

00:34:26.760 don't they

00:34:27.060 fold up

00:34:27.380 into a ball

00:34:28.060 uh

00:34:29.520 yeah they do

00:34:30.220 because i was

00:34:30.500 at a park

00:34:30.980 and i picked

00:34:31.540 it up i

00:34:31.920 thought and i

00:34:32.340 dunked it

00:34:32.940 and then this

00:34:34.360 thing died

00:34:34.940 it unveiled

00:34:36.700 itself

00:34:37.200 look at that

00:34:38.280 dillo i think

00:34:39.000 they go by

00:34:39.460 dillo huh

00:34:40.300 yeah that's

00:34:42.260 what diplo the

00:34:43.260 dj he used to

00:34:43.940 be called

00:34:44.240 dillux he's an

00:34:44.940 armadillo

00:34:45.240 oh i could

00:34:46.740 see him being

00:34:47.240 upset at that

00:34:47.880 joke they're

00:34:48.220 very nocturnal

00:34:49.080 uh can we

00:34:50.160 see uh

00:34:50.880 yeah the

00:34:52.440 video of the

00:34:53.180 jumping armadillo

00:34:54.240 please

00:34:54.800 yeah that was

00:34:55.700 what we wanted

00:34:56.700 initially

00:34:57.180 not the

00:34:58.960 fucking thing

00:34:59.900 eating leaves

00:35:01.200 or vagina

00:35:01.800 okay is it

00:35:07.440 standing up

00:35:08.200 that's a man

00:35:09.300 that's a

00:35:09.640 water

00:35:09.880 that's how

00:35:11.160 bad my

00:35:11.500 vision is

00:35:12.120 oh

00:35:13.840 oh

00:35:14.120 she

00:35:14.760 tased

00:35:15.080 its

00:35:15.220 pussy

00:35:15.560 huh

00:35:16.180 i don't

00:35:16.640 know that

00:35:17.080 thing

00:35:17.300 definitely

00:35:17.940 somebody

00:35:19.040 did she

00:35:19.580 tased the

00:35:20.080 labia

00:35:20.500 that thing

00:35:20.880 got a

00:35:21.220 tater salad

00:35:21.900 anima right

00:35:22.560 there you

00:35:22.880 saw that

00:35:23.360 bro

00:35:24.580 somebody

00:35:25.840 fricking

00:35:26.680 got dipped in

00:35:28.380 the fricking

00:35:29.000 got a little

00:35:30.180 bit of bowl

00:35:30.840 slaw dude

00:35:31.640 oh we got

00:35:31.960 armadillo right

00:35:32.820 here y'all

00:35:33.300 check it out

00:35:33.980 i'm gonna slow

00:35:35.260 down

00:35:35.640 so we can

00:35:37.020 look at it

00:35:37.600 look at this

00:35:38.300 pervert

00:35:38.640 check this

00:35:39.040 out i got

00:35:39.540 this air

00:35:39.960 horn

00:35:40.240 right here

00:35:40.860 oh that's

00:35:41.260 not cool

00:35:41.800 i'm gonna

00:35:42.380 see what

00:35:42.620 happens when

00:35:43.520 i blow it

00:35:43.920 at the

00:35:44.120 armadillo

00:35:44.560 i can't

00:35:48.060 see what

00:35:48.420 happened

00:35:48.700 oh i gotta

00:35:49.440 go back

00:35:49.980 can we zoom

00:35:52.680 in on the

00:35:53.000 screen some

00:35:53.640 right here

00:35:54.260 i'm gonna

00:35:55.700 see what

00:35:55.960 happens when

00:35:56.840 i blow it

00:35:57.240 at the

00:35:57.440 armadillo

00:35:57.900 what about

00:36:01.120 the damn

00:36:01.600 that was

00:36:01.920 funny

00:36:02.240 my god

00:36:03.540 that's cute

00:36:04.040 why is that

00:36:04.280 dude

00:36:04.580 you know in

00:36:05.300 the future

00:36:05.660 they're doing

00:36:06.440 a thing now

00:36:07.180 and the future

00:36:07.760 is now and

00:36:08.440 they're doing

00:36:09.280 a thing where

00:36:09.920 a lot of

00:36:10.360 armadillos

00:36:10.780 they're getting

00:36:11.340 the scales

00:36:11.940 off of them

00:36:12.560 so it's just

00:36:13.160 the body

00:36:13.740 and you can

00:36:15.240 because people

00:36:16.260 can have them

00:36:16.820 more as pets

00:36:17.340 isn't that

00:36:17.580 unbelievable

00:36:18.000 the way that

00:36:19.560 they're starting

00:36:20.160 to

00:36:20.960 why don't they

00:36:21.620 just get a

00:36:21.940 cat

00:36:22.280 they don't want

00:36:23.960 that

00:36:24.220 they have to

00:36:25.460 have an

00:36:25.680 armadillo

00:36:26.120 you fucking

00:36:27.080 these idiots

00:36:28.020 who are these

00:36:28.500 people

00:36:28.840 i don't know

00:36:29.680 rich people

00:36:30.380 probably

00:36:30.820 people making

00:36:31.740 your movie

00:36:32.240 probably

00:36:32.640 brennan schaub

00:36:33.400 has probably

00:36:33.840 a fucking

00:36:34.340 kennel of

00:36:35.020 fucking

00:36:35.580 dillos

00:36:36.140 what a

00:36:37.280 fucking

00:36:37.640 oh i'm sure

00:36:38.300 rogan has

00:36:38.960 a couple

00:36:39.220 yeah

00:36:39.960 rogan has

00:36:41.560 a fleet

00:36:42.180 he's got

00:36:43.520 an army

00:36:43.940 i'm sure

00:36:44.480 he has a

00:36:44.760 couple

00:36:44.940 we had a

00:36:45.520 question

00:36:45.800 another question

00:36:46.420 about hollywood

00:36:46.920 that came in

00:36:47.360 what else do

00:36:47.720 we got

00:36:48.140 what up theo

00:36:50.620 what up

00:36:51.260 swarty

00:36:51.640 yo what up

00:36:52.220 morning from

00:36:52.780 phoenix arizona

00:36:53.660 yeah the phoenix

00:36:54.600 a little quick

00:36:55.140 question

00:36:55.580 uh who's more

00:36:56.880 fun to work

00:36:57.760 with

00:36:58.120 jennifer aniston

00:36:59.740 or david

00:37:01.580 spade

00:37:02.100 to me

00:37:03.580 they're kind

00:37:03.960 of both

00:37:04.320 equal on

00:37:04.840 the looks

00:37:05.300 both pretty

00:37:05.920 good looking

00:37:06.640 yeah

00:37:07.120 aniston seems

00:37:08.100 sneaky funny

00:37:08.960 though

00:37:09.380 spades

00:37:10.640 obvious funny

00:37:11.980 okay

00:37:13.240 that's

00:37:13.740 depending on

00:37:14.500 the mood

00:37:14.800 you're in

00:37:15.120 but there

00:37:15.500 we go

00:37:15.760 that's good

00:37:16.060 swarty

00:37:16.560 thanks dude

00:37:18.780 i love that

00:37:19.220 you call me

00:37:19.840 swarty

00:37:20.240 that's my

00:37:20.800 nickname

00:37:21.180 dude i

00:37:21.980 love uh

00:37:23.320 that guy a

00:37:24.180 looks like me

00:37:25.220 if i were a

00:37:25.640 little handsomer

00:37:26.360 right

00:37:27.120 and um

00:37:28.680 that guy

00:37:29.220 moved to

00:37:30.000 arizona

00:37:30.240 very

00:37:30.640 he's living

00:37:32.300 kind of a

00:37:32.860 geodirt existence

00:37:33.840 kind of

00:37:34.540 did you catch

00:37:35.100 that at all

00:37:35.520 yeah i caught a

00:37:36.280 little bit of

00:37:36.600 dirt there

00:37:37.040 moved to

00:37:37.680 arizona

00:37:38.200 he for sure

00:37:39.520 has a dillo

00:37:40.440 which is where

00:37:40.700 spade is from

00:37:41.480 he's got a

00:37:42.040 dillo necklace

00:37:42.700 oh

00:37:43.060 um spade

00:37:45.120 and aniston

00:37:45.760 interesting question

00:37:47.260 they're both

00:37:47.780 very different

00:37:48.560 you're accurate

00:37:49.740 on aniston

00:37:50.700 being sneaky

00:37:51.360 funny

00:37:51.700 she's very

00:37:52.420 funny

00:37:52.820 um

00:37:54.080 she's got

00:37:55.220 better hair

00:37:55.760 than david

00:37:56.300 oh yeah

00:37:57.020 and hers

00:37:58.120 um

00:37:58.800 is very

00:38:00.040 majestic

00:38:00.560 david

00:38:02.080 smells like

00:38:03.480 funyuns

00:38:04.800 yeah

00:38:05.420 but david is

00:38:06.940 very funny

00:38:07.640 yeah

00:38:07.940 but i'm

00:38:08.420 i'm gonna give

00:38:08.920 aniston the

00:38:09.580 edge

00:38:09.940 because you

00:38:11.180 well when

00:38:12.260 you're in a

00:38:12.580 scene with

00:38:12.920 aniston your

00:38:13.420 eye to eye

00:38:13.760 when you look

00:38:14.240 at david

00:38:14.580 you've got to

00:38:14.900 look down

00:38:15.380 and he's

00:38:16.600 kind of like

00:38:16.920 a lawn gnome

00:38:17.640 oh he's got

00:38:18.680 that downhill

00:38:19.160 vibe

00:38:19.600 yeah

00:38:19.960 but in a

00:38:20.840 nice way

00:38:21.220 like a nice

00:38:21.700 funny little

00:38:22.280 little lawn

00:38:23.780 gnome

00:38:24.320 what about

00:38:25.280 um

00:38:25.700 were you

00:38:27.080 down there

00:38:27.460 when norm

00:38:27.860 passed away

00:38:28.420 yeah

00:38:29.620 that was

00:38:30.420 awful

00:38:30.880 norm

00:38:31.300 was one

00:38:31.560 of my

00:38:31.740 best

00:38:31.980 friends

00:38:32.480 that was

00:38:33.640 awful

00:38:34.060 really

00:38:34.600 yeah

00:38:34.980 that was

00:38:35.540 my buddy

00:38:35.960 todd

00:38:36.260 called me

00:38:36.500 i woke

00:38:36.740 up from

00:38:37.100 a nap

00:38:37.560 and i look

00:38:38.500 and i look at

00:38:38.580 my phone

00:38:38.960 it's my

00:38:39.160 friend todd

00:38:39.620 i'm like

00:38:39.860 hey what's

00:38:40.240 up

00:38:40.460 he goes

00:38:41.460 ah

00:38:41.940 were you

00:38:42.760 just taking

00:38:43.120 a nap

00:38:43.540 and i go

00:38:43.940 yeah what's

00:38:44.480 up

00:38:44.700 he goes

00:38:45.660 uh you

00:38:46.200 haven't checked

00:38:46.580 your phone

00:38:46.960 have you

00:38:47.340 and i go

00:38:48.000 no

00:38:48.340 and he goes

00:38:49.600 norm mcdonald

00:38:50.360 died

00:38:50.760 and i go

00:38:51.860 what

00:38:52.900 no

00:38:53.340 and he goes

00:38:54.280 yeah

00:38:54.580 and it was

00:38:55.480 one of the

00:38:55.940 few times

00:38:56.520 in my life

00:38:57.100 i just hung

00:38:58.280 up the phone

00:38:58.800 and immediately

00:38:59.260 started sobbing

00:39:00.240 and i sobbed

00:39:01.560 for like a

00:39:02.320 half hour

00:39:02.860 i just completely

00:39:03.640 lost it

00:39:04.120 he was like

00:39:04.940 really like

00:39:05.360 one of my

00:39:05.740 close friends

00:39:06.340 and it was

00:39:06.920 like cutting

00:39:07.680 wait for a

00:39:08.200 fight huh

00:39:08.760 it was awful

00:39:09.660 dude

00:39:10.040 it was just

00:39:10.920 and then i found

00:39:11.540 out like he had

00:39:12.280 cancer for a long

00:39:13.080 time didn't tell

00:39:14.200 anybody and it

00:39:15.140 it was hard

00:39:16.120 it's still really

00:39:16.700 hard everyone's

00:39:17.520 pretty shook by it

00:39:18.340 do you remember

00:39:18.800 the last time

00:39:19.320 that you had

00:39:19.660 seen him

00:39:20.160 um i hadn't

00:39:21.820 seen him for a

00:39:22.440 while but uh

00:39:24.020 the last time i

00:39:24.660 saw him was

00:39:26.280 like at a bar

00:39:27.140 by our place

00:39:28.620 and uh he

00:39:30.560 would watch

00:39:30.980 he was a big

00:39:31.420 gambler

00:39:31.840 but um the

00:39:33.780 last time i

00:39:34.320 talked to him

00:39:35.160 i was caught

00:39:36.540 when i was

00:39:36.840 quarantined in

00:39:37.280 minnesota he

00:39:37.960 would uh i'd

00:39:39.240 text him and i

00:39:39.740 go hey what's

00:39:41.040 up dude and he

00:39:42.020 goes uh what

00:39:43.080 who's this and i

00:39:45.200 he would do this

00:39:45.760 all the time i go

00:39:46.720 it's fucking nick

00:39:48.060 dude he goes

00:39:49.260 hey nicky what uh

00:39:52.080 what are you doing

00:39:52.840 and i'm like

00:39:54.260 nothing i'm

00:39:54.760 quarantined and

00:39:56.040 he goes uh you

00:39:56.640 didn't stand up

00:39:57.340 and i'm like no

00:39:59.020 the fuck

00:39:59.940 i wasn't doing

00:40:00.940 stand-up

00:40:01.400 and he goes

00:40:02.400 what uh what's

00:40:03.280 your plan

00:40:03.620 and i go i

00:40:05.020 don't know i'm

00:40:05.380 gonna kick it

00:40:05.820 here and then i

00:40:06.420 think i'm gonna go

00:40:06.820 to key west and i

00:40:07.720 go i might just

00:40:09.160 retire though and

00:40:10.040 just move to reno

00:40:11.200 and just get like a

00:40:12.560 residency and then

00:40:14.020 i'll just live in

00:40:14.760 reno and just work

00:40:16.120 there just be like an

00:40:17.220 old comic yeah and

00:40:18.600 he goes i swear to

00:40:19.420 god he goes ah

00:40:21.220 that's a that's a

00:40:22.320 good idea and i go

00:40:23.880 yeah i don't know

00:40:24.940 whatever he goes

00:40:26.160 i know maybe i'll

00:40:27.940 join you we'll both

00:40:29.020 headline reno

00:40:30.040 and i go dude

00:40:31.900 reno's fucking a

00:40:33.240 mess i go no i

00:40:34.540 don't want to do

00:40:34.880 that so i go to

00:40:36.360 key west a month

00:40:37.360 later he calls me

00:40:38.640 he goes hey uh

00:40:40.060 what are you doing

00:40:40.960 and i go i don't

00:40:42.140 know i'm in key

00:40:42.600 west what's up with

00:40:43.280 you and he goes

00:40:43.800 uh when are you

00:40:45.600 going to reno

00:40:46.160 and i go dude that

00:40:48.340 was a joke i'm not

00:40:49.340 moving to fucking

00:40:50.280 reno and retiring as

00:40:51.860 like a comic and he

00:40:53.060 goes ah fuck i

00:40:55.100 thought i thought it

00:40:55.840 was a good idea and

00:40:57.180 i'm like no and

00:40:58.660 so that's the last

00:40:59.540 time i talked to

00:41:00.240 him and then his

00:41:02.140 um close close for

00:41:04.180 his closest friend

00:41:04.980 laurie joe i hit her

00:41:06.940 up after norman

00:41:07.860 passed and i was

00:41:08.660 like hey are you

00:41:09.220 doing okay and she

00:41:10.880 goes one of the last

00:41:11.700 things before norm

00:41:13.860 died one of the last

00:41:14.840 things he talked about

00:41:15.520 was moving to reno

00:41:16.560 with you no yeah and

00:41:18.180 i go are you serious

00:41:19.380 she goes yeah he was

00:41:20.180 like he really wanted

00:41:21.660 to do that and i was

00:41:23.400 like oh and then i

00:41:24.080 made me cry again

00:41:25.060 and uh yeah it was

00:41:27.340 just that was norm

00:41:29.140 it was really it was

00:41:30.220 awful damn i'll tell

00:41:31.960 you i have so many

00:41:33.060 norm stories but this

00:41:34.000 is one of my favorites

00:41:34.920 and um i was on tour

00:41:37.360 me sandler spade

00:41:38.360 rob schneider and

00:41:39.640 norm was kind of like

00:41:40.720 the wild card he would

00:41:41.620 pop in for certain

00:41:42.420 dates so we're and

00:41:44.260 uh believe mohegan son

00:41:45.700 in connecticut we're

00:41:46.420 backstage everyone's in

00:41:48.040 sandler's green room

00:41:48.800 talking and shooting

00:41:49.540 the shit and me and

00:41:50.540 norm are in the hallway

00:41:51.120 hanging out and um i

00:41:53.220 don't know why i did

00:41:54.080 this uh this long

00:41:56.460 hallway and this guy

00:41:57.400 walks in uh way down

00:41:59.440 the hallway he walks

00:42:00.000 in the door and i'm

00:42:01.340 like looking and you

00:42:02.360 know we're always kind

00:42:02.840 of suspicious about

00:42:03.680 people that come

00:42:04.160 backstage and i go i

00:42:07.340 think that guy's a

00:42:07.940 gun and uh norm goes

00:42:09.980 what and i go i think

00:42:12.940 that guy's a fucking

00:42:13.840 gun dude and he's like

00:42:15.540 oh my god and he runs

00:42:17.260 into sandler's room and

00:42:18.360 he goes there's a gun

00:42:19.760 there's a man with a gun

00:42:21.480 and i was like no no

00:42:22.480 there's not there's not

00:42:23.600 i was no no i'm joking

00:42:24.900 there's not and he

00:42:26.220 goes no no no next

00:42:27.200 time there's a guy with

00:42:27.820 a gun and sandler goes

00:42:28.700 what the fuck there's a

00:42:30.240 guy with a fucking gun

00:42:31.220 and spades like oh no

00:42:33.220 what the fuck what's

00:42:33.860 good and i'm like no

00:42:34.960 there's no gun there's

00:42:36.180 no gun i just there was

00:42:37.560 i was making like a

00:42:38.820 joke just for norm and

00:42:40.220 norm's like what how's

00:42:42.300 that a joke and i'm like

00:42:43.700 i don't i don't know and

00:42:45.500 sandler's like sandy was

00:42:47.040 like what the fuck is

00:42:47.860 wrong with you and i'm

00:42:48.840 like i don't know man

00:42:50.720 Spade's like, yeah, real cool, man.

00:42:52.360 And I'm like, I'm just going to go to my room.

00:42:54.880 And Norm's like, yeah, I thought there was a gun.

00:42:56.900 I'm sorry.

00:42:57.440 Nick said it.

00:42:58.880 I'm like, good lord.

00:43:00.940 Real buzzkill.

00:43:01.940 And the guy walked past him as a security guard.

00:43:06.240 But, yeah.

00:43:06.800 So he really did have a gun.

00:43:08.740 He didn't have a gun, but he just looked like somebody that would have a gun.

00:43:11.740 Yeah, well, people use guns for security, man.

00:43:14.820 It was just not a good joke on my part, especially poor Norm.

00:43:18.060 Did you guys ever work together or not?

00:43:20.440 We did those shows together, and we did, like.

00:43:23.660 Oh, I got a Norm story, too.

00:43:25.480 You know, we never, like, were on stage together, like fucking Bonnie and Clyde or whoever.

00:43:31.340 Dude, I was at, I don't think it's, is it Bonnie and Clyde?

00:43:37.020 I don't know.

00:43:38.980 Clyde director?

00:43:39.480 Oh, you can hear our security guard.

00:43:40.620 He's one of the shitter.

00:43:42.780 Oh, dude, yeah.

00:43:43.460 Bro, he had, I don't know if he eats at, like, a trough or something.

00:43:50.200 But he has the worst.

00:43:52.280 Who, Norm or the security guard?

00:43:53.400 Vowel movements.

00:43:54.340 The security guard here.

00:43:56.560 And he's a parking attendant, but his shirt says security.

00:43:58.720 I'm like, that's a.

00:44:02.660 That's.

00:44:03.220 Sounds like no one's safe from that bathroom.

00:44:05.760 Yeah.

00:44:06.460 But he's in there about probably.

00:44:08.280 If I go in there.

00:44:09.980 He's in there one out of two times when I go.

00:44:12.780 Oh, really?

00:44:13.480 Yeah.

00:44:14.160 Because he has a problem.

00:44:16.000 Yeah.

00:44:16.340 Yeah, he needs an armadillo.

00:44:18.480 Oh, he needs.

00:44:19.320 Clog up that drain.

00:44:20.240 Yeah, he does, dude.

00:44:21.320 He does.

00:44:22.680 No fucking scales.

00:44:24.940 Just clean.

00:44:26.000 No scales, baby.

00:44:27.120 This bitch is clean, boy.

00:44:29.620 Damn, I got my baby a damn freaking scaleless dilla, baby.

00:44:33.700 God damn.

00:44:35.220 I can't.

00:44:35.980 Is that a real thing?

00:44:37.260 I'm looking at some.

00:44:37.920 People want scaleless armadillos.

00:44:39.820 You bet I'm looking at titty tonight, son.

00:44:42.120 Damn, boy.

00:44:43.860 Woo.

00:44:44.660 I'll eat half of my own asshole, son.

00:44:47.080 I'm fucking.

00:44:47.940 If I'm looking at scaleless dilla, son, it's on, baby.

00:44:51.880 Fuck.

00:44:52.840 It is on, bro.

00:44:53.900 I will fucking eat a pecan out of my cousin's ass, baby.

00:44:57.200 You feel me?

00:44:57.780 Let's go.

00:44:58.300 On Christmas morning.

00:45:00.140 Let's go, Elvis Presley.

00:45:03.040 You think you could do a good Elvis Presley impersonation?

00:45:06.140 I could make an attempt.

00:45:07.380 Sorry.

00:45:07.900 I don't know if I would ever use it on anything.

00:45:09.960 I'll have a lead.

00:45:14.280 All right.

00:45:18.980 Who left the dog?

00:45:21.580 Who left the dog?

00:45:26.420 How did it go?

00:45:27.700 Me and all my dildo were.

00:45:31.840 Then he dies.

00:45:33.060 He goes into a stroke.

00:45:33.980 Oh, damn, dude.

00:45:35.240 That's a dark impression.

00:45:36.000 And that's, who was that?

00:45:38.780 That's Benedict Cumberbatch.

00:45:40.300 Who was that?

00:45:41.320 Yeah.

00:45:42.060 That was Benedict Cumberbatch doing Elvis Presley dating Steven Seagal.

00:45:48.640 And that was Aaron Gonzalez?

00:45:50.120 Was that your Aaron Gonzalez impersonation?

00:45:51.600 Yeah.

00:45:52.320 That's correct.

00:45:53.360 Go Pats.

00:45:54.840 Yeah.

00:45:55.020 No, so I went to, I had to go to this casino one time with Norm, right?

00:46:01.020 Oh, God.

00:46:01.800 And.

00:46:02.040 Was he gambling then?

00:46:03.140 No, he was playing on the show.

00:46:04.880 Adam Eget was there, and I somehow got booked into feature, right?

00:46:08.240 Mm-hmm.

00:46:08.580 So Norm's headlining.

00:46:10.680 I felt like Norm was on pills, or he was a little bit lit.

00:46:14.040 But I don't know if that's true.

00:46:15.660 Some people say he never did any drugs.

00:46:17.360 I don't know.

00:46:18.100 He seemed like he was off.

00:46:20.520 He took pills.

00:46:22.320 But he could have been, yeah.

00:46:23.280 He could have just been having a, this was like.

00:46:24.900 Well, he had cancer for a while.

00:46:26.520 When was this?

00:46:26.920 Right, so who knows?

00:46:27.800 I don't even know.

00:46:29.820 So, but this is when I was alive, and, you know, in my past.

00:46:32.920 So what happened was, I go on stage, and I ran the light, right?

00:46:38.960 I was like.

00:46:39.540 Not cool, but yeah.

00:46:40.460 And it was literally in a barn, like, attached to a casino.

00:46:43.460 Like, the place where you could hear, like, there were, like, live births.

00:46:46.620 Like, there was a lot going on, you know?

00:46:48.200 Oh, from animals or people?

00:46:49.480 Oh, I mean, who knows?

00:46:51.280 You know, thick things.

00:46:52.280 You just heard the sludge.

00:46:53.760 Oh, you heard.

00:46:54.980 You heard some pussy sludge.

00:46:56.300 You heard, you let the bodies hit the floor.

00:46:58.460 There was nobody catching these things that were being born, you know?

00:47:01.360 It was just a lot of skinny.

00:47:03.320 Free falling.

00:47:04.000 They were free falling.

00:47:06.400 And then they would hit the ground.

00:47:07.960 A lot of skinny puppy, you know?

00:47:09.720 Oh, my God.

00:47:09.920 A lot of babies that were fart powered.

00:47:12.120 Oh, yeah.

00:47:12.800 Oh, that's my son, you know?

00:47:15.600 Oh, a little robo fart?

00:47:16.660 Just that kind of.

00:47:17.280 So, who books this gig?

00:47:22.060 Helen Keller?

00:47:23.140 So, anyway, he goes out there, and he is, like, you can barely even hear him.

00:47:29.140 It's bad.

00:47:29.620 He's just kind of garbling his words, right?

00:47:32.020 Right.

00:47:32.300 So, anyway, the next day, we're all downstairs.

00:47:38.260 Jerry Mathers is there, too.

00:47:40.460 Okay.

00:47:40.980 What?

00:47:41.880 No.

00:47:42.760 Swear.

00:47:43.420 Jerry Mathers is Beaver from Leave It to Beaver.

00:47:45.580 Bring up a picture of Jerry Mathers, please.

00:47:47.400 Also, that's a real show for all the kids out there.

00:47:50.260 Leave It to Beaver?

00:47:50.740 It's called Leave It to Beaver.

00:47:51.760 Yeah.

00:47:52.340 And Beaver was, like, the rascal son, right?

00:47:54.540 Oh, old shows are porns now, right?

00:47:57.200 There he is, right there.

00:47:59.060 Yeah.

00:48:00.780 And, uh...

00:48:01.960 What the fuck was he doing?

00:48:03.040 Giving birth?

00:48:04.020 He was fucking...

00:48:04.940 To Eddie Haskell?

00:48:05.940 I mean, bro, he was...

00:48:07.320 Is that the same show?

00:48:07.840 Yeah, and Eddie Haskell died recently.

00:48:09.280 RIP.

00:48:09.680 Very sad.

00:48:10.660 But, uh...

00:48:11.100 Gang violence?

00:48:11.920 Uh, I'm not sure what it was.

00:48:13.340 I think it was Miss...

00:48:14.160 He lived in a nice neighborhood.

00:48:15.380 I think it was Miss Applebaum or whatever.

00:48:17.120 Whoever the teacher was, he was always at odds with, you know?

00:48:19.900 Yeah.

00:48:20.380 Miss Crabapple or whatever it was.

00:48:21.980 But, anyway, uh...

00:48:23.780 So, I get up...

00:48:25.040 I get up there.

00:48:27.240 Um...

00:48:27.640 Oh, in the morning...

00:48:29.240 Oh, so, Mathers is there, right?

00:48:30.960 And I said to him, I was like...

00:48:32.260 He's like...

00:48:33.060 I was just talking to him.

00:48:33.880 I was a huge fan.

00:48:34.480 I had signed...

00:48:35.700 I bought an autographed picture of him when I was a kid.

00:48:38.460 I had it on my wall at home.

00:48:39.960 I had a Jerry Mathers autographed picture on my wall at home.

00:48:42.000 That is gross.

00:48:43.420 Because his name was Theodore and my name Theodore.

00:48:45.800 Oh, that's right.

00:48:46.860 So, I was just keyed in, right?

00:48:48.500 So, anyway, uh...

00:48:51.700 God, I wish this story would end.

00:48:53.900 You were like, leave it to Sleazer, dude.

00:48:56.040 He had his picture on, fucking thrown on your fucking eggnog on his face.

00:48:59.200 He goes, where do you live?

00:49:01.040 I said, I live in Santa Monica.

00:49:02.640 He goes, I used to get some pussy in Santa Monica.

00:49:05.760 Oh.

00:49:06.040 That's exactly what he said, bro.

00:49:08.680 Jeez.

00:49:09.220 So, right there, I'm a little shook.

00:49:10.980 I'm excited.

00:49:11.460 You know, I'm still excited that it's him, but I'm a little shook.

00:49:13.740 Right.

00:49:14.220 But, anyway, in the morning, Norm's downstairs.

00:49:16.180 We'll have to play in this poker tournament that's part of the weekend deal, the package.

00:49:20.960 And Norm's like, man, a lot of hot chicks here, huh?

00:49:23.280 And I'm looking around, and it's like, nobody's hot in this area, right?

00:49:28.220 There hasn't been anybody hot here.

00:49:29.440 If somebody here were hot, you would know about it immediately.

00:49:33.020 Right.

00:49:33.260 They'd be on a calendar.

00:49:34.000 They would be on the news.

00:49:35.100 Yeah, they would be on the news, yeah.

00:49:37.860 Dead or...

00:49:38.500 Yeah, they would be on the news, bro.

00:49:42.200 Yeah, if a decent strand of genes passed through this town, the fucking fire alarms would go off, right?

00:49:50.320 There has not been...

00:49:51.520 They would be up from the news to a milk carton in, like, a week.

00:49:54.620 There has not been a unique strand of GTAC to roll through this area in fucking...

00:50:01.960 So, Norm was definitely on pills, if he was, like, looking around, like, ah, there's some asymptotail here.

00:50:08.680 Yeah.

00:50:09.280 So, I thought he was serious, right?

00:50:11.760 Because I don't really know him.

00:50:13.000 I'm like, yeah, man, there definitely is.

00:50:14.920 And then he goes, fuck no, there isn't.

00:50:17.180 And it just shook me.

00:50:20.920 That's so him.

00:50:22.060 That's amazing.

00:50:23.600 He, like, baited me into believing that he was...

00:50:26.680 Yeah, and then fucking pulled the rug out.

00:50:29.720 Fuck no, there isn't.

00:50:31.380 It's so hard, because you never...

00:50:32.960 I mean, I was one of his good friends for a long time.

00:50:36.300 I'm talking, like, 15 years.

00:50:37.620 Wow.

00:50:37.960 And I still was, like...

00:50:39.760 I could kind of gauge, but sometimes I was, like, what is he saying?

00:50:44.260 Right.

00:50:45.040 But he was out of this world.

00:50:48.560 And did he chase a lot of women?

00:50:49.680 Did he have a wife or anything?

00:50:50.880 No.

00:50:51.580 I never met a wife.

00:50:52.560 He has a son, Dylan, who's really cool.

00:50:54.900 So, he must have did sex once, at least.

00:50:57.580 I mean, I never saw...

00:50:58.780 He was addicted.

00:50:59.820 He was a big gambler, dude.

00:51:01.120 Really?

00:51:01.640 Yeah, he loved the gambler.

00:51:02.780 And he...

00:51:03.340 He had a bit...

00:51:05.200 He always had so many gay jokes, but I never knew him to be gay or anything.

00:51:09.940 But he had a joke.

00:51:10.780 It was on Letterman.

00:51:12.720 And, uh...

00:51:13.040 Or, no, it was Conan.

00:51:14.340 And he goes...

00:51:15.660 He was promoting his book.

00:51:17.200 And he goes, yeah, it's not a memoir, but, uh...

00:51:19.700 And it's just, uh...

00:51:20.540 It's a book.

00:51:21.920 And he goes, uh...

00:51:22.980 You know, I don't talk about being deeply...

00:51:25.640 A deeply closeted gay man.

00:51:28.320 And Conan goes, what?

00:51:29.860 You're gay?

00:51:30.320 And he goes, what?

00:51:31.780 No.

00:51:32.180 Why'd you say that?

00:51:32.980 And he goes, well, you just said...

00:51:34.120 He goes, no, I'm...

00:51:34.920 I'm deeply closeted.

00:51:37.280 And he goes, so you're not gay?

00:51:38.520 He's like, no, no.

00:51:39.240 I'm straight as an arrow.

00:51:40.820 And he goes...

00:51:41.280 And then he goes...

00:51:42.060 And I'm paraphrasing.

00:51:43.160 Forgive me.

00:51:43.580 But he goes, you know how deeply closeted means the guy who's gay, but he's so gay,

00:51:48.060 he won't admit it.

00:51:48.900 He hides it.

00:51:50.560 And, uh...

00:51:51.120 He's like, yeah, no, I'm straight.

00:51:53.520 It was such a fucking good bit.

00:51:55.440 Again, I fucking paraphrased it, but it's on YouTube.

00:51:59.620 That's funny, man.

00:52:00.580 Yeah, he was great.

00:52:02.060 Yeah, I watched one of his clips and he was on, I think, The View.

00:52:05.060 Did you see that clip?

00:52:06.380 No.

00:52:06.860 When they're trying to get him to, like...

00:52:08.720 He's trying to be very realistic.

00:52:10.340 The show's, like, ultra-liberal, and he's just trying to be just a realist, like...

00:52:14.620 Yeah, that's how he was.

00:52:15.660 Yeah.

00:52:15.900 And they're like, you'll never be back on this show.

00:52:18.940 They're all joking about it and stuff.

00:52:20.840 And he wouldn't because he wasn't, like, just kind of conforming to whatever, like...

00:52:24.780 I don't know, just some ridiculous story.

00:52:26.400 Why would they have him on?

00:52:28.260 I don't know.

00:52:28.860 That's so weird.

00:52:29.900 Like, he's so not...

00:52:31.160 I can see him doing it, like, if they offered it to him, but I can't...

00:52:34.420 Here we go.

00:52:34.980 Let's get a little bit of it.

00:52:36.340 The Democrats don't steal the election from the winner, you know, but...

00:52:41.420 Who knows?

00:52:41.900 Aw!

00:52:42.380 Aw!

00:52:43.620 Woo!

00:52:43.860 Woo!

00:52:44.020 Woo!

00:52:44.140 Woo!

00:52:44.460 Woo!

00:52:44.660 Woo!

00:52:45.020 Woo!

00:52:45.900 You like George Bush, don't you?

00:52:46.960 I love George Bush, man.

00:52:48.300 He's a good man, decent, you know, none of this.

00:52:52.080 He's not a liar or a crook murderer or anything like that, so it would be good to get the...

00:53:00.940 See, I think we should get the homicide out of the White House and get, like, a fresh start,

00:53:07.260 because we don't want any more murderers.

00:53:08.760 I think we should just go on to the next question.

00:53:11.320 Who are the murderers?

00:53:12.320 Yeah.

00:53:12.860 Oh, Clinton, he murdered a guy.

00:53:14.320 Yeah, you know, we're not allowed to put out those accusations without...

00:53:17.880 That's a little too far.

00:53:18.860 That's the way it does work.

00:53:19.300 Let's just go on to the next one.

00:53:22.220 Yeah.

00:53:22.620 This is not my week.

00:53:23.940 What can I tell you?

00:53:25.720 Oh, it's not mine either, and I'm being very nice, okay?

00:53:31.180 He'd be a good boy.

00:53:32.780 Now, Norm...

00:53:33.400 Do you never hear that?

00:53:34.600 No.

00:53:35.040 Listen, we don't need to talk about that.

00:53:35.800 I don't want to get into this, and I don't want to hear it, and this is not the place to make those accusations.

00:53:39.960 And you're supposed to be funny.

00:53:41.640 Let's get on with that.

00:53:42.580 Exactly.

00:53:43.020 So get with me.

00:53:44.560 There you go.

00:53:46.100 This is a live show.

00:53:47.560 Why?

00:53:48.480 But you have been properly chastised by Barbara, so I'm not going to ask the next question.

00:53:52.640 I thought it was a matter of record.

00:53:54.520 Shut up.

00:53:55.420 I know he's just saying.

00:53:57.120 Look, let me do this, okay?

00:53:59.440 They don't even want to talk about the fact that maybe the guy murdered somebody.

00:54:02.960 All right.

00:54:03.280 Yeah.

00:54:06.580 Let's talk football.

00:54:08.400 All right, man.

00:54:09.860 Manslaughter.

00:54:10.460 Let's talk football.

00:54:12.900 He's doubling down.

00:54:14.500 Yeah.

00:54:14.860 Don't have...

00:54:15.320 Norm doesn't play by rules, dude.

00:54:17.100 That's hilarious.

00:54:18.680 You know, cash back, credit cards, it's becoming a thing of the past.

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00:56:47.660 I think comedians don't kind of.

00:56:49.600 Do you think that there's a thing?

00:56:51.900 Like, I noticed this the other day.

00:56:53.160 I was driving with a friend of mine and the traffic was all backed up, right?

00:56:57.140 Right.

00:56:58.080 And I just go around.

00:56:59.200 Like, it's the interstate.

00:57:00.560 Like, there's, you know, 700 cars in line.

00:57:02.760 I just go to the outside area where it's not a street, you know?

00:57:06.440 Yeah.

00:57:06.860 And just go.

00:57:10.220 And my friend's like, I just think that he's a comedian.

00:57:13.480 This guy, John Christen, he's like, I think that's just what comedians do.

00:57:17.140 He's like, I think you just see, you don't want to do whatever the conformity is, you

00:57:22.780 know?

00:57:23.480 Yeah.

00:57:23.920 I mean, I think that's initially like how, how it, um, the genesis of comedy is going

00:57:29.700 against the grain.

00:57:30.560 Like when I was in school, when I was a kid, I just would go rogue to make people laugh,

00:57:36.480 you know?

00:57:37.340 So it, you're going against the grain and authority in that sense.

00:57:41.040 And some, you know, I think a lot of comedians, even if they don't do it on stage, they, you

00:57:45.700 know, they kind of go rogue.

00:57:47.280 Yeah.

00:57:47.680 But I mean, that's how I was.

00:57:48.620 And that's when I was in Key West again, for a year and a half, people were like, like

00:57:54.080 I'm of the ilk of like, if somebody tells me I can't do something, I'll be like, fuck

00:57:58.920 you.

00:57:59.480 Yeah.

00:57:59.880 So when people are like, well, you can't just stay in Key West.

00:58:02.300 And I go, yeah, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

00:58:04.260 And all these people were doing that.

00:58:05.480 And I'm like, you know, you're making it way worse when you keep telling me that I can't

00:58:09.840 do that.

00:58:10.720 And I just, my family and my friends are like, so I mean, I don't understand.

00:58:14.360 So you're just going to just stay there.

00:58:15.940 And I'm like, if I want to, yeah.

00:58:17.500 Like, yeah, fuck you.

00:58:18.760 Yeah.

00:58:19.080 Fucking doing whatever with my life.

00:58:21.120 You know, I'm not hurting anybody.

00:58:22.400 I'm like just chilling on an island.

00:58:24.700 Do you, uh, do you, do you think you'll retire there?

00:58:28.240 Do you have a retire spot?

00:58:29.240 Is a retire, like a real thing?

00:58:30.500 I mean, I might.

00:58:31.760 Yeah.

00:58:31.960 I really loved it.

00:58:33.300 I really, really loved it.

00:58:34.680 And it was cool.

00:58:35.800 They said a really nice thing to me.

00:58:37.520 Cause like after a while, you know, at first people like Nick Swartzen, the fuck are you

00:58:40.440 doing it?

00:58:41.000 Yeah.

00:58:41.740 And there was a bar and they had like a celebrity, like wall of fame.

00:58:46.100 And they had pictures of people who had been there.

00:58:48.000 And I was like, oh, I've been in Key West for a while.

00:58:51.140 And I go, Hey, do you want, do you want my picture?

00:58:53.360 And the guy who managed it goes, no, man.

00:58:55.400 And I go, what do you mean?

00:58:56.000 He goes, because you're just Nick.

00:58:57.840 You're a friend, Nick.

00:58:58.460 Like, we don't look at you like a actor, comedian.

00:59:01.380 You're just our buddy, Nick.

00:59:02.680 And he goes, everybody kind of thinks that on the island.

00:59:04.660 Like, you're just Nick.

00:59:06.040 And it was like really cool.

00:59:07.520 And like, that's why I loved it.

00:59:08.740 And like, I'd walk down the street and people be like, Hey, Nick.

00:59:10.720 And I'm like, hi.

00:59:11.940 It's like, awesome.

00:59:12.700 That's cool, man.

00:59:13.880 And they have a lot of dogs, which I like.

00:59:15.740 Like, they let bar, like dogs in bars.

00:59:18.480 Yeah.

00:59:18.760 So you go to like a bar and there'd be like seven dogs.

00:59:20.720 It'd be so exciting.

00:59:21.740 And if you can't even talk to anybody or if somebody's just, you can't, somebody's just

00:59:25.220 impossible to talk to you, just start petting stuff.

00:59:27.700 Yeah.

00:59:28.300 Yeah.

00:59:28.480 I knew people's dogs' names more than their names, which is weird.

00:59:33.760 And is it, did you feel any of that?

00:59:35.520 I feel like it's just, I heard also there's no beach there.

00:59:38.920 It's not like a good beach in Key West.

00:59:40.640 Is that true?

00:59:41.520 There's not like a great beach.

00:59:45.000 What the fuck, bro?

00:59:45.420 There's like one or two.

00:59:46.740 How do you be Key West and not have a beach, though?

00:59:50.040 No, it is weird.

00:59:51.080 And that's kind of a misconception.

00:59:52.420 Because I was the same way.

00:59:53.300 I'm like, where the fuck, like you can make things in the beach?

00:59:56.060 Where's the beach, bro?

00:59:57.400 Where's the thigh tied, huh?

00:59:58.920 Well, the big thing is-

01:00:00.000 Ready to see some fucking hips slam against each other.

01:00:02.340 Oh, yeah.

01:00:02.820 I know what you're saying, man.

01:00:03.980 You know?

01:00:04.520 I showed up and I'm like, where's that fucking, where are them fucking pussy rafts?

01:00:09.420 I'm ready to sniff some fucking bunk out here.

01:00:12.300 Yeah.

01:00:12.680 I want to fucking shoot a cumbrella.

01:00:15.020 Just fucking shoot it up and everybody gathers on the fucking beach.

01:00:19.460 Oh, yeah.

01:00:21.300 But no, it's a lot about going out on the boat.

01:00:23.680 That's where the big thing is.

01:00:24.920 And you go out to sandbars and there's beaches out there.

01:00:28.040 And so, like, boating is a big thing.

01:00:29.840 Everybody's got a boat and they got a golf cart until you travel by golf cart.

01:00:32.880 Oh, I like that.

01:00:33.460 Which is fucking dope as shit.

01:00:34.980 And is there a lot of nudism out there?

01:00:36.800 I also hear it's like a nudist colony.

01:00:38.660 Is there some of that?

01:00:40.360 No.

01:00:41.500 There's not a nudist colony.

01:00:42.720 Could you do it?

01:00:43.300 One of my sisters did drugs one time and climbed up to a nudist colony on accident.

01:00:47.360 She was mountain climbing with a friend.

01:00:48.780 She said she was.

01:00:49.420 She was on drugs.

01:00:49.900 But those should not go together.

01:00:52.920 Drugs and mountain climbing.

01:00:54.580 And they climbed up to some place.

01:00:56.860 What drug was it?

01:00:57.740 Do you know?

01:00:58.020 I mean, if it's cocaine, you're like, oh.

01:00:59.720 I don't know.

01:01:00.520 I could.

01:01:00.780 I think it was a smokable drug.

01:01:04.060 But not weed.

01:01:05.420 So.

01:01:06.360 Something.

01:01:07.540 But she goes.

01:01:09.540 And she.

01:01:10.540 Yeah.

01:01:10.940 And she doesn't even tell like a funny story.

01:01:12.220 She's like, we went climbing.

01:01:13.200 And next thing you know, we had to have lunch at that nudist colony.

01:01:15.880 Apparently, they got to like some place where they had like some nudes up there.

01:01:20.140 Some, you know.

01:01:20.560 On top of a mountain?

01:01:21.980 Or like at a flat area that's along, like by a mountain.

01:01:25.800 You know what I'm talking about?

01:01:26.660 A prolapsed asshole.

01:01:28.220 I mean, yeah, it could be.

01:01:29.320 I think that's what it's called.

01:01:31.500 Damn.

01:01:31.960 The old P-lapse, huh?

01:01:33.920 That's fucking weird.

01:01:34.780 So, did they have to get naked?

01:01:36.640 I don't think so.

01:01:37.540 I think they.

01:01:37.940 She fucking did.

01:01:38.300 I bet she did.

01:01:38.920 She was high on some fucking Jerry Mathers.

01:01:42.640 Fucking shit, dude.

01:01:43.560 She was fucking higher.

01:01:45.140 Hopefully, she had that little front skunk out.

01:01:47.500 You know what I'm saying, bro?

01:01:49.180 What is that?

01:01:49.780 I don't know.

01:01:50.300 This is my sister.

01:01:51.280 Can we not talk about this, dude?

01:01:52.840 You fucking brought her up, dude.

01:01:54.440 You're fucking drug.

01:01:55.600 You're drug addict extreme.

01:01:57.180 You're the one who's trying to lead the country to an island that's not even an island.

01:02:00.960 What do you mean trying?

01:02:01.680 I went to the fucking thing.

01:02:02.980 And it is an island, but they built a bridge so people from Miami can fucking OD.

01:02:09.260 It's not an island, then, man.

01:02:11.100 It's an island.

01:02:11.740 Dude, an island.

01:02:12.540 You can't get there, bro, unless you meet a man who fucking runs a smoothie business and

01:02:17.880 has a boat, dude.

01:02:18.800 Dude, now you're man island-ing.

01:02:20.500 It's like mansplaining, but it's fucking-

01:02:23.400 Why does a man have to take you there?

01:02:24.800 That could be.

01:02:25.260 Why can't it be a lesbo?

01:02:26.480 I'm sure there's some hardy men.

01:02:28.380 Dude, I-

01:02:29.260 Let's see if another video question came in.

01:02:32.200 Anything else here we got for Nick?

01:02:34.320 See, I'm gone two years, and now I'm not in demand anymore.

01:02:37.340 Oh, we got a ton of them.

01:02:38.360 Oh, look at fucking Gary.

01:02:40.500 Is this Rittenhouse?

01:02:41.680 Theo, Nick, to the power of two, I just wanted to ask you guys, what was the most influential

01:02:47.180 sports moment you guys have seen either live or on television that really got you up out

01:02:53.180 of your chair, got your vocal cords going?

01:02:55.920 For me, it was the Seattle Seahawks beating the Packers in the NFC Championship in, like,

01:03:02.680 overtime.

01:03:04.180 But they don't win anymore, so it's kind of hard to-

01:03:07.080 I got a little chatty at the end, but seemed like a nice guy.

01:03:10.200 Thank you, Kyle Rittenhouse.

01:03:12.380 Kyle's the dude that's going to, like, wait, no, is his name Kyle?

01:03:16.020 I think so.

01:03:16.580 That guy, it seems like the dude who's like, when you're too drunk at the party, he's like,

01:03:21.200 I'm not drinking, man, I'll take you home.

01:03:22.800 Yeah.

01:03:23.300 He'll give you a ride.

01:03:24.100 He's like, sober cab dude.

01:03:25.740 Yeah, that's a compliment.

01:03:27.160 That's like safe friend, dude.

01:03:28.440 Yeah.

01:03:29.240 That's safe friend.

01:03:29.920 He's the guy who would get murdered by somebody for being a nice guy, you know?

01:03:34.960 Yeah, he's the guy that, like, oh, that guy's got a flat tire, and then they pull

01:03:38.740 over to help him, and then the tire iron just goes-

01:03:40.840 Next thing you know-

01:03:41.460 E-gank, gank, gank.

01:03:43.020 Yeah.

01:03:43.200 And his jaw's fucking Alcatraz.

01:03:45.480 Yeah.

01:03:45.940 Next thing you know, you got a flat heart, bro.

01:03:48.900 You got a flat heart rate.

01:03:50.820 Your brain just ran out of air, dude.

01:03:53.940 You got PSY, dude.

01:03:56.220 Nobody fucking knows why you're dead, bro.

01:03:57.680 Don't try to flex seal this shit, dude.

01:04:00.540 You're fucked.

01:04:00.840 I just put a cannon on the way here, man.

01:04:02.680 Did you really?

01:04:03.180 I have 50 PSI right now in one of my tires.

01:04:05.260 That bitch is ready to bust.

01:04:07.980 Oh, dude.

01:04:09.080 Yeah.

01:04:09.800 Yeah, boy.

01:04:11.220 Oh, to answer your question, the last time I lost my mind, I was in Denver when I was

01:04:16.940 supposed to do those shows, and I was at the bar at the hotel, and I'm watching the Vikings

01:04:21.980 play the Saints in the playoffs.

01:04:23.640 I'm a big Vikings fan in Minnesota.

01:04:25.680 And they fucking did that crazy catch, Casey Keenum to Stefan Diggs.

01:04:32.380 And the bar was full, and nobody's watching the game because it's Denver.

01:04:36.380 So I'm watching it, and I'm like, oh, my God.

01:04:40.120 And then I've rarely done this.

01:04:42.200 I just started screaming, and I fell down on my knees, and I put my hand over my head.

01:04:47.160 And I was like, oh, my God.

01:04:48.500 And I started to tear up.

01:04:49.620 And then everybody thought that I was having a problem, like a heart attack or an aneurysm.

01:04:56.380 Oh, yeah.

01:04:56.680 So people were like, whoa.

01:04:58.400 Whoa, man.

01:04:58.960 Hey, hey, hey.

01:05:00.220 And then the bartender, who I know, I've stayed there for fucking ever.

01:05:03.280 And he was like, no, no, no.

01:05:04.240 He's from Minnesota.

01:05:05.300 They just scored like a crazy fucking play, like all time insane.

01:05:09.720 And everybody was like, oh, Jesus.

01:05:11.220 And I was like, no.

01:05:13.620 I just lost my shit.

01:05:15.160 I really lost it.

01:05:16.100 That's one of the biggest I've lost.

01:05:17.820 What about you?

01:05:18.380 You're a Saints fan, aren't you?

01:05:27.920 Aren't you Saints?

01:05:31.240 Are you Saints?

01:05:32.860 I can't hear you.

01:05:37.100 My other favorite was against the Saints, and Kyle Rudolph called it a touchdown.

01:05:41.040 And I'm like, oh, you want to get it?

01:05:44.500 Woo!

01:05:45.400 Who dat?

01:05:46.340 Dude.

01:05:47.180 Who dat?

01:05:48.840 That's the guy in your living room next week.

01:05:53.240 And then the Vikings blow it so it all evens up.

01:05:57.560 I, you know what?

01:05:59.280 I was pretty burned.

01:06:00.260 That was one of the worst moments ever as a Saints fan, for sure.

01:06:03.520 Yeah, that had to be awful.

01:06:04.600 I paused the game for the fourth quarter.

01:06:07.100 For like, it was literally, I think, three and a half minutes left.

01:06:09.280 And I stopped the game because I had to do my podcast because I had to get it out for the next day.

01:06:13.140 Right?

01:06:13.300 Right.

01:06:14.040 So towards the end of the, I figured I'm just going to watch the end of the game when I get done.

01:06:17.280 We're up by 10.

01:06:18.360 You know, we're up by 10.

01:06:19.560 Yeah, you guys are up.

01:06:20.360 And you guys had the ball.

01:06:22.060 So I was like, oh, we got this.

01:06:23.800 We're going to move on to the next round.

01:06:25.620 And then my brother called.

01:06:27.860 I saw him kept calling.

01:06:29.340 So I actually put the call into the episode.

01:06:32.200 And I was like, what's going on?

01:06:33.260 He's like, man, you're just, you're not going to believe this.

01:06:37.000 And we might even be able to, maybe we can put the clip in.

01:06:38.920 If we do, it'll be right here.

01:06:40.320 But he's like, they did some type of play.

01:06:43.200 And the angle the defensive guys had, it just, and we lost the game.

01:06:46.720 And I'm like, how did we fucking, it was impossible.

01:06:50.800 And you went to your DVR and we're like, hello, dark.

01:06:54.940 Well, we didn't even do a crazy play.

01:06:57.920 Everybody hurts.

01:06:59.060 He just went low and Stefan jumped over him.

01:07:03.500 Or he should have just gone in full body.

01:07:05.500 He just tried to do like a little, I think it's called a falcon crest.

01:07:10.900 Yeah.

01:07:11.420 And yeah, I felt bad for the defenders.

01:07:14.580 I did too.

01:07:15.380 That shit was horrible.

01:07:16.360 But the best play I've ever seen.

01:07:17.800 I was there when Kobe scored 81 points, I remember.

01:07:21.040 That was kind of an interesting time.

01:07:22.980 That's the only Laker game I've ever been to, actually.

01:07:25.640 And what else, dude?

01:07:27.120 Oh.

01:07:27.400 You know, Sandler's making a movie about Sean Payton.

01:07:30.760 I know.

01:07:31.300 Kevin James is playing Sean Payton.

01:07:32.480 I almost auditioned to be in it.

01:07:34.100 You should have gone in for that shit.

01:07:35.180 I know.

01:07:35.380 You should have played Sean Payton's wife or something.

01:07:37.300 I should have.

01:07:37.920 Or his concubine.

01:07:39.220 Ooh.

01:07:39.880 I don't know if he has a concubine.

01:07:41.140 I could have played Alvin Kamara maybe or.

01:07:43.960 You could have, yeah.

01:07:45.440 Drool Breeze if I'd have been in a freaking wheelchair.

01:07:49.040 What?

01:07:49.460 Drew Breeze is dope.

01:07:50.420 No, Drool Breeze.

01:07:52.260 Say if Drew Breeze got hit by like a car or something.

01:07:54.620 Oh, okay.

01:07:56.180 Like in an alternate universe?

01:07:57.260 So you're just going to change the whole, like, storyline?

01:07:58.740 Yeah, in an alternate universe.

01:07:59.840 There's a guy named Drool Breeze.

01:08:01.000 Yeah.

01:08:01.520 And he still plays?

01:08:02.440 I mean, he's like, they want him to play, but he can't, you know?

01:08:06.960 But he still does, because he's Drool Breeze.

01:08:08.980 He's like the Stephen Hawking of footballers, kind of.

01:08:11.740 Right.

01:08:11.980 And he's like, left, blue 52, blue 52.

01:08:17.400 And he just has, like, a t-shirt cannon instead of, like, an arm.

01:08:21.100 So he's just like, and just shoots the ball.

01:08:23.740 Every place is a Hail Mary.

01:08:26.280 That would be a fucking amazing movie.

01:08:29.200 Dude, we just wrote a fucking hit movie.

01:08:31.000 Oh, we're good.

01:08:32.020 Yeah, I actually, I got to afford to go in.

01:08:33.780 I didn't go in.

01:08:34.360 I should have, probably.

01:08:35.940 You canceled it because you had a podcast?

01:08:37.280 Probably.

01:08:39.460 Because podcast is in my control.

01:08:41.160 It's like, I like to do stuff that's in my control, you know?

01:08:43.440 I actually might start a podcast.

01:08:44.860 Really?

01:08:45.380 Yeah.

01:08:47.120 Everybody's just been telling me, they're like, why don't you do one?

01:08:49.540 And I'm like, I don't know, because it's hard doing the road and filming,

01:08:52.700 and so it'd be nice to just do a pod.

01:08:55.100 Did you get plastic surgery while you were down there?

01:08:57.300 No, why?

01:08:58.320 Your eyes look more, like, magnetic, kind of.

01:09:01.300 I got magnets in my eyes.

01:09:02.480 Is that what you mean?

01:09:03.400 Oh, that could have been it, yeah.

01:09:04.520 I've been injected magnesium.

01:09:06.680 Really?

01:09:06.960 Are you an evangelical Christian?

01:09:12.940 Correct.

01:09:13.740 Damn.

01:09:14.360 Yeah, I'm also an X-Men now.

01:09:16.280 Ooh.

01:09:17.200 Yeah.

01:09:17.960 Oh, you mean you get a, you get a, you got this sexual reconstructive surgery?

01:09:22.460 Correct.

01:09:23.640 Yeah.

01:09:24.180 And then also I have magnets in my eyes.

01:09:26.180 Oh, damn.

01:09:26.720 So, if there's somebody's a robot near me, my eyes go right on their dick.

01:09:31.520 Or vagines and...

01:09:33.280 Yeah, it's exciting.

01:09:35.340 Do you think it will still have comedy in the future, Nick?

01:09:38.120 Do you think that this is something that's going to be around for a while?

01:09:40.960 You know, you start to see...

01:09:42.340 A comedian died the other day.

01:09:46.000 This guy, Matt Billen.

01:09:47.720 Matt Bylan.

01:09:48.620 Bylan, I think.

01:09:49.960 I don't know.

01:09:51.020 Matt Bylan.

01:09:52.200 What prompted do you think comedy will be around in the future?

01:09:56.560 Yeah, I don't know.

01:09:57.140 Why'd you say that?

01:09:57.700 When are people going to not like laughing?

01:09:59.380 Well, because here's what's happening.

01:10:01.000 Robots.

01:10:02.060 Well, they can, they have so much, they can create everything now.

01:10:07.220 So, it's like at a certain point, you're still going to need people when they can just create

01:10:10.100 a bot of a human, you know what I'm saying?

01:10:11.780 Like...

01:10:12.780 Comedy bot?

01:10:14.220 Or what do you mean?

01:10:15.440 Well, like, they're just starting to create, like...

01:10:17.700 So, anyway, this comedian that passed away, Matt Bilan, Bilan, Bilan, Bilan, maybe, Bilan?

01:10:24.980 Right.

01:10:26.060 I looked the other day, I went on Facebook, I put Matt Bilan death, right?

01:10:30.180 Because I was just trying to find out what had happened to him.

01:10:32.420 I didn't, I just heard.

01:10:33.680 And there were all these articles that were written, but they were written by bots.

01:10:38.020 So, it's like, oh, that's interesting.

01:10:39.340 Now, like, because some of it didn't make sense.

01:10:41.580 It would have, like, some information and then, like, an ad for, like, Zales, like, written

01:10:45.480 right into the typing.

01:10:47.040 You know what I'm saying?

01:10:48.060 Right, it's gross.

01:10:49.280 But it's, like, five of the six things I even found about him passing away were written

01:10:55.180 by bots.

01:10:56.900 Why don't you just call somebody that's a comic?

01:10:59.240 Right, I agree, but it just starts...

01:11:00.480 Have you not met at a stand-up comic yet?

01:11:01.740 But it's just interesting that, like, bots are writing articles now.

01:11:08.060 And some of the articles, they, it was, you got the, you under, you know, it was information

01:11:13.720 without the Zales.

01:11:14.540 It was information, yeah.

01:11:15.460 Yeah.

01:11:15.820 No.

01:11:16.000 Well, that's, like, Instagram.

01:11:16.840 Discount, but you got the information.

01:11:19.360 But that's, like, the thing about Instagram, too, is, like, I would meet people or friends

01:11:24.220 of mine that are, like, whatever, personalities.

01:11:27.080 But I would look on their Instagram.

01:11:28.400 I'm like, they have 200,000 followers?

01:11:32.220 I'm like, that's fucking crazy.

01:11:33.620 I didn't know they were fucking crushing it that hard.

01:11:35.500 Yeah.

01:11:35.760 And then I would, like, click on a photo.

01:11:37.360 I'm like, oh, that's a cool photo.

01:11:38.680 And then there'd be all these comments.

01:11:40.080 I would, like, click on them.

01:11:40.920 I'm like, they would be like, hey, awesome picture.

01:11:46.000 Have a great day.

01:11:47.200 Yeah.

01:11:47.560 Bubble.

01:11:47.860 And all these, like, comments where I'm like, who the fuck is this?

01:11:50.560 And I would click on it.

01:11:51.660 And then a couple of my friends I called out.

01:11:54.240 I'm like, bro, there's, who is Z-Bop, Zozo Z?

01:11:58.460 Like, somebody.

01:12:00.140 And they'd be like, oh.

01:12:02.560 Like, you're not even using my holes.

01:12:04.680 That's what it'll say.

01:12:05.380 Something like that.

01:12:05.980 And you're like, what is this?

01:12:07.260 That would be amazing if there was, like, a system that would sell you, like, bot comments,

01:12:11.660 but it was just they could say whatever they want.

01:12:14.500 Yeah.

01:12:14.840 I feel like it's a lot of bots out there.

01:12:16.520 I just fucked your mom.

01:12:17.840 What do you think comedy will be like in the future?

01:12:19.500 I mean, where do you see it?

01:12:20.600 Do you think it'll always be around?

01:12:21.920 Or do you think?

01:12:23.120 Stand-up comedy?

01:12:24.080 Or comedy?

01:12:24.400 That it, too, could get botted out.

01:12:25.900 Stand-up comedy.

01:12:27.440 Yeah, of course.

01:12:28.900 Because there's nothing like seeing a live show.

01:12:30.680 There's just nothing like it.

01:12:31.820 Yeah.

01:12:32.020 When you see a comic live, you know, you don't know what's going to happen.

01:12:36.780 It's fucking awesome.

01:12:38.280 But what about all those people that died at that one event recently?

01:12:40.720 You see that thing, that Travis Scott thing?

01:12:43.240 Was he doing stand-up?

01:12:44.620 No, he was just singing, but.

01:12:46.100 No, yeah, that was awful.

01:12:47.560 Those people got crushed.

01:12:49.420 I saw a video of, like, that soccer match in England.

01:12:52.820 And it's one of the worst.

01:12:54.000 I wish I could unsee it.

01:12:55.540 And it was a fucking mob pushing against the gate.

01:12:58.200 And it was, like, a fucking, almost like a cheese grater.

01:13:00.900 These people were just smashed.

01:13:02.140 And they, like, tons of people died.

01:13:04.380 It was awful.

01:13:06.140 It's just so sad.

01:13:07.360 That's why, like, I don't want to have kids, dude.

01:13:09.340 I don't want to send them off to a fucking concert.

01:13:12.180 I mean, they're dead.

01:13:13.340 What concert will you take them to?

01:13:14.700 What was your first concert?

01:13:16.240 Radiohead.

01:13:16.920 Oh, really?

01:13:18.420 Yeah, it was dope.

01:13:19.240 What the hell am I doing here?

01:13:21.960 Yeah.

01:13:23.640 God, they were good.

01:13:25.040 It was at a small club, a Prince's Club called First Avenue.

01:13:28.800 I mean, it's not small, but it's, like, you know, 300, 400 people.

01:13:32.240 And their new album, The Bunkers, just came up.

01:13:36.060 Is it Bunkers?

01:13:36.200 That place or no?

01:13:36.700 It's not Bunkers, but Bunkers is dope.

01:13:38.340 I went to Bunkers a couple weeks ago.

01:13:40.200 Oh, yeah, you were just there.

01:13:41.040 But, yeah, and so I saw my buddies, like, you want to go see this band Radiohead?

01:13:45.180 And I'm like, do they sing that song, Creep?

01:13:47.060 And he's like, yeah.

01:13:47.620 I'm like, all right.

01:13:48.560 And he goes, yeah, they have a new album called The Benz.

01:13:50.700 And we went, and it was fucking insane.

01:13:53.040 Yeah.

01:13:53.380 And then I was, like, hooked on going to concerts.

01:13:55.980 That's the thing about live shows with comedy.

01:13:58.800 Like, support, like, your clubs and go see live comedy.

01:14:02.580 Yeah, there's nothing like it.

01:14:03.680 It's just so fun.

01:14:04.080 There's nothing like it.

01:14:04.920 There's nothing like it.

01:14:05.600 And you might find a little fucking diamond in the rough.

01:14:08.120 Yeah.

01:14:08.600 Like, I used to bring comics that I would meet that were funny.

01:14:12.580 That were funny as shit, you know?

01:14:15.060 Oh, yeah.

01:14:15.420 Like, I had Zach Galifianakis open for me.

01:14:17.880 I had, like, a lot of people that you don't know what you're going to see.

01:14:20.180 It's like a band.

01:14:20.840 When you go, oh, that band's great.

01:14:22.420 And somebody would be like, oh, yeah, I wanted to bring you to the concert.

01:14:25.580 Like, I saw The White Stripes, you know, there.

01:14:28.160 Oh, yeah.

01:14:28.740 Fucking dope.

01:14:29.860 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:30.320 And I was really hip to comedy music back then.

01:14:33.860 I had two tickets to The White Stripes at the El Rey.

01:14:36.180 It was a great venue.

01:14:37.160 It was, like, a third full.

01:14:38.540 Like, this was just before they broke.

01:14:40.360 But I knew them.

01:14:41.040 I was like, fuck, I hate this shit, dude.

01:14:42.360 Yeah.

01:14:43.660 And I went, and it was, like I said, third full.

01:14:46.360 Wow.

01:14:46.980 And I couldn't even give the ticket away.

01:14:48.700 I'd call people.

01:14:50.020 And then years later, my friends would listen to them.

01:14:51.860 And I'm like, yeah, I had the ticket.

01:14:53.040 I called you.

01:14:53.580 Yeah, you didn't care.

01:14:54.600 And then I fucking took a brick.

01:14:58.720 Smashing it in your head.

01:14:59.980 Smashing it in your head.

01:15:00.960 In your fucking eyes.

01:15:01.880 Smashing it in your head.

01:15:02.700 Brick to the eye, dog.

01:15:03.860 Smashing it in your head.

01:15:05.100 Mm-hmm.

01:15:06.200 Let's see one more question that came up, man.

01:15:07.840 And then we'll get you out of here.

01:15:08.700 Oh, wow.

01:15:09.620 Oh.

01:15:10.420 I just came here in.

01:15:11.760 Oh.

01:15:12.640 Help.

01:15:13.160 Is it Christmas already?

01:15:14.940 What's the question?

01:15:15.740 This guy's doing well right here.

01:15:17.580 See, that's what I'm talking about.

01:15:18.520 This COVID.

01:15:19.080 Yo, what up, Nick and Theo?

01:15:20.640 It's your boy Dan calling from up here in northern Maine.

01:15:23.660 Yep.

01:15:23.900 Nick, I got a would you rather for you.

01:15:25.960 Okay.

01:15:26.200 Would you rather be able to read people's mind?

01:15:28.800 Or would you rather be able to see into the future?

01:15:31.800 Dio, appreciate you.

01:15:33.060 Love you, baby.

01:15:33.620 Gang.

01:15:34.060 Gang, baby.

01:15:34.680 Thank you.

01:15:35.060 I'm in north Maine.

01:15:35.840 I hope to go to Bangor sometime in May.

01:15:38.700 That's one of the only states I've never been to.

01:15:41.320 Let me answer your question.

01:15:42.700 See into the future.

01:15:44.280 How far into the future?

01:15:45.920 We got to work on that.

01:15:48.180 Read people's minds.

01:15:50.900 The future would kind of freak me out.

01:15:53.020 The mind I could kind of like learn from.

01:15:54.840 But the future, I don't know if I want to know the future.

01:15:57.200 Yeah.

01:15:57.640 Because that's.

01:15:58.740 But again, how far into the future?

01:16:00.340 So let's fucking work on that.

01:16:02.660 But I'm going to go with.

01:16:05.880 No, fuck it.

01:16:06.580 I'm going to go with reading the future.

01:16:08.420 Because if you read somebody's mind, it couldn't be like literal.

01:16:11.480 Because sometimes I'll just think of weird shit.

01:16:13.040 Yeah.

01:16:13.260 What if the guy's an idiot and you're stuck with him forever?

01:16:16.100 Or what if.

01:16:16.800 What if this.

01:16:17.920 What if it's Brennan Schaub?

01:16:19.060 Yeah.

01:16:21.220 Brennan's a friend of mine.

01:16:22.240 That's right.

01:16:23.080 But it's only two paragraphs.

01:16:24.920 Yeah.

01:16:25.260 Damn.

01:16:25.780 This mind is.

01:16:26.480 It's just like, dude, what?

01:16:29.140 Oh, you're cold, dog.

01:16:30.740 Dude.

01:16:31.020 I'm going after those guys.

01:16:32.540 Oh, dude.

01:16:32.980 Those guys look like.

01:16:33.720 That's our fucking job.

01:16:34.920 Bro, those guys.

01:16:36.380 Fucking Brennan Schaub literally looks like a fucking love seat.

01:16:41.660 He bought a Corvette.

01:16:43.280 That's what it looks like.

01:16:44.420 He looks like if White Claw were a person.

01:16:47.760 Yeah.

01:16:48.300 Like the drink White Claw.

01:16:50.220 Yeah.

01:16:50.800 He looks like the abominable White Clawman.

01:16:54.160 Yeah.

01:16:54.380 That's what he looks like.

01:16:56.480 We love Brian and Brennan.

01:16:58.380 He looks like Paul Bunyan's gay little son, dude.

01:17:01.320 He looks like Paul Dud.

01:17:02.740 Like he'll fucking just axe your.

01:17:05.240 He'll just axe right through his own butt.

01:17:08.040 He'll axe bodies for you to death.

01:17:10.540 All right.

01:17:12.320 I got a Rolo.

01:17:13.100 Yeah.

01:17:14.360 I think we covered it, man.

01:17:15.280 So is it safe to say that you're back in the business?

01:17:17.720 I think so.

01:17:18.500 I think I'm back.

01:17:19.360 So I'm just getting it all together right now.

01:17:21.500 Fucking sober Kai again.

01:17:23.080 Are you?

01:17:23.620 Yeah.

01:17:23.980 How long you been sober for?

01:17:25.120 Two months.

01:17:29.740 Wow.

01:17:30.300 Congratulations, man.

01:17:31.200 Yeah.

01:17:31.700 Actually, you know what?

01:17:32.200 We have one more question.

01:17:33.000 Since that, I know one of the questions that came in that was good.

01:17:37.960 Let's get it in here.

01:17:39.680 What's up, Theo?

01:17:40.460 What's up, Nick?

01:17:41.060 This is Paul from Virginia.

01:17:42.520 I know both you guys in the past have struggled with drugs and alcohol.

01:17:50.600 And myself as well fell victim to the dark arts recently.

01:17:59.180 And I'm going into residential rehab here in a couple days.

01:18:04.360 So I was just curious if you guys had any advice for someone trying to achieve long-term sobriety.

01:18:11.080 Thanks.

01:18:11.840 Gang, gang.

01:18:13.140 Dang, baby.

01:18:14.420 Okay.

01:18:15.020 I mean, do you want to take it or do you want me to jump in first?

01:18:17.460 I think whatever.

01:18:18.320 And we can also, I mean, I just felt like this is, we could try to just share anything or experience, you know?

01:18:25.120 I mean, it's tricky.

01:18:26.220 It depends upon, A, is it drugs and alcohol?

01:18:30.200 Drugs, which drug?

01:18:31.960 You know what I mean?

01:18:32.660 I've done every drug.

01:18:33.400 You've probably done every drug.

01:18:34.820 Yeah, I think I have.

01:18:35.740 I never smoked crack.

01:18:36.880 I've smoked crack.

01:18:37.860 You have?

01:18:38.340 Yeah.

01:18:38.560 I haven't done heroin.

01:18:39.680 I haven't done heroin either.

01:18:40.540 I always wanted to smoke crack.

01:18:41.460 I did it, like, kind of on accident.

01:18:43.680 Yeah.

01:18:44.040 I only did it once.

01:18:45.140 And I was like, oh, it's this.

01:18:46.800 And then I was like, what is it?

01:18:47.820 And they were like, that's crack.

01:18:48.920 And I'm like, why?

01:18:49.740 I can't feel my lips.

01:18:50.760 You can hear the train it coming.

01:18:52.180 That's what I hear right here.

01:18:52.960 I just hear it's all aboard, dude.

01:18:55.200 That crack train, boy.

01:18:56.900 I know.

01:18:57.240 Fucking spray hound, too, dude.

01:18:59.140 Welcome all aboard the spray hound.

01:19:01.220 You will just start.

01:19:02.560 I mean, I heard you can't even stop just the E-jack from coming out of you.

01:19:06.020 I don't know.

01:19:06.480 I just, I did it by just an accident once, and I was like, I don't know.

01:19:10.440 Accidental crack?

01:19:12.060 Yeah.

01:19:12.440 I was like, I already fucked up.

01:19:13.600 And somebody handed me a pipe.

01:19:14.560 It was fucking glass.

01:19:15.900 And I thought it was fucking, there was some white shit in it.

01:19:18.380 And I'm like, oh, what's this thing?

01:19:21.360 I want to smoke till my fucking wife and kids are gone.

01:19:24.320 That's what I want to do.

01:19:24.940 I mean, yeah, why not?

01:19:26.080 But, yeah, it was a crack accident.

01:19:27.380 Yeah, it was.

01:19:28.740 Let's go.

01:19:29.560 Well, no, I should take this seriously.

01:19:31.000 But, yeah.

01:19:32.000 Yeah, I mean, you know, it really depends upon you and, you know, I'm not a fucking doctor.

01:19:39.860 But in my experience, which is kind of what you asked, it's tricky.

01:19:44.260 I mean, and that's an understatement, but you've got to just really, I had to pull back a lot.

01:19:51.060 Because I've been hospitalized a couple times for alcohol.

01:19:55.220 And I had to really get a grip on what I wanted out of my life and really take time for myself.

01:20:02.700 And, you know, it sounds corny, but love yourself and appreciate yourself and the people that care about you.

01:20:07.520 And just look at the big picture.

01:20:09.180 And it's, you know, I've seen a lot of people go the opposite and not make it out.

01:20:14.260 And you really have to figure out what you want to do.

01:20:18.780 I mean, do you, I don't know.

01:20:22.000 Yeah.

01:20:22.180 That was a really messy answer, but.

01:20:24.660 No, I think that's a good point.

01:20:25.940 That's a great, that's a great answer, I think.

01:20:28.040 Because that really determines it.

01:20:29.480 It's not up to any invisible power.

01:20:31.520 I mean, it could be up to God if you need to find a higher power to help you.

01:20:35.260 But, yeah, I think trying to have some semblance of what your goal is for yourself.

01:20:40.320 Because a lot of times I find if I'm not, if I'm goalless and I don't have any real intention, then I'm much more likely to fall into the dark arts, really, for me.

01:20:49.980 You know, if I'm just letting the world affect me, however, and I don't have a plan every day when I kind of wake up, then, of course, I'm a fall prey to whatever.

01:20:57.700 And there's a lot of dark forces out there, man.

01:21:00.800 You know, freaking everything, man.

01:21:02.860 Yeah, anything will pull you in.

01:21:05.080 It's really, I mean, in my experience, I've gone back and forth to talk all.

01:21:11.460 And I've been on podcasts and talked about it.

01:21:13.020 I've been hospitalized and whatnot.

01:21:15.040 And I finally just had to find a reason and goals, like Theo said, where I'm like, you know, this is what I want to do.

01:21:23.720 You've got to, like, care about yourself and stuff like that.

01:21:26.820 And drugs are different, so I don't know what drugs you're into.

01:21:30.080 But in my experience, it was alcohol.

01:21:31.580 And drugs, drugs just, that just made me feel like shit.

01:21:35.380 Like when I would, I did coke, you know, a handful of times.

01:21:39.480 You've had the fucking-

01:21:40.020 Or a handful.

01:21:41.120 Yeah, a handful many times.

01:21:44.940 But, yeah, it's-

01:21:47.100 Oh, I'll eat a squirrel from the backside on coke, dude.

01:21:49.720 That stuff will really, my God.

01:21:51.760 Don't do that.

01:21:52.960 You will start at the back of an animal, sonny, and get to know it.

01:21:56.900 But you've got to want to help yourself.

01:21:58.540 You really do.

01:21:59.320 Like, if you, you know, just reach out, seek help if you need it.

01:22:05.500 But you really, really, really, it comes down to you and wanting to get help and get off that shit, man.

01:22:13.100 And it's easier said than done, but I've been down that road.

01:22:16.160 And sometimes it takes a wake-up call.

01:22:18.940 And I had a couple.

01:22:20.420 And sometimes you fucking don't wake up.

01:22:22.640 A lot of my friends, you know.

01:22:24.100 I mean, you've had friends who have died.

01:22:25.480 I've had half of the comedian friends I know.

01:22:28.180 I mean, it's just, it's just sad.

01:22:30.580 Oh, yeah.

01:22:30.800 You know.

01:22:31.460 Especially during the pandemic.

01:22:32.560 It's been a tough time for a lot of people.

01:22:34.600 Yeah, I think, look, yeah.

01:22:35.980 I mean, I find that 12-step has helped me.

01:22:39.140 You know, I struggle.

01:22:40.040 Everyone's different, yeah.

01:22:40.840 Yeah.

01:22:41.140 I'm thinking about going to a place in January for a couple weeks just to even just get, I'm not even struggling or anything right now.

01:22:47.300 But just to have some time for myself to take care of myself.

01:22:50.440 You know, I've spent so much time working as well.

01:22:53.160 Yeah.

01:22:53.400 It's like, I've never sat and thought what's even going on in my life or what do I want?

01:22:58.140 Do I want me a family or something?

01:22:59.880 Get me a little.

01:23:01.280 Armadillo.

01:23:02.040 Yeah, get me a little armadillo, bro.

01:23:03.760 Something for your arm, you know.

01:23:05.480 Or armadillo, you know.

01:23:07.760 Armadillo.

01:23:08.260 So, yeah.

01:23:09.320 Get a couple.

01:23:10.020 Damn.

01:23:10.600 Well, good luck, man.

01:23:11.660 Hang in there.

01:23:12.460 It's a process, dude.

01:23:13.540 But you just really just, you can do it.

01:23:17.460 Yeah, you can do it, man.

01:23:18.640 Here's the thing.

01:23:19.200 Other people have done it.

01:23:20.660 So, you can definitely do it.

01:23:22.120 Yeah, you'll meet a lot.

01:23:22.920 You'll meet a ton of people.

01:23:24.060 It's more than you think of people that have struggled with abuse.

01:23:28.020 So, you know, reach out and, yeah, be well, man.

01:23:31.880 Yeah.

01:23:32.360 Good luck, man.

01:23:32.960 You got this, bro.

01:23:34.240 You got this.

01:23:35.180 Some residential treatment.

01:23:37.340 All right, man.

01:23:38.200 Nick Swarton, welcome back.

01:23:39.420 Welcome back to the world, baby.

01:23:41.000 Yeah.

01:23:41.320 Good to be back.

01:23:42.800 And we'll put you up on social so people can find you and all of that.

01:23:45.820 And, man, I'm excited to see you back on stage and stuff.

01:23:50.200 I know.

01:23:50.560 I'm interested to see what's going to happen.

01:23:52.940 Two years is a long time.

01:23:54.700 Yeah, it is, man.

01:23:55.800 To rock the mic.

01:23:56.920 It's awesome, though.

01:23:58.280 Gang, baby.

01:23:59.300 Gang, gang.

01:23:59.840 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:24:07.040 I must be cornerstone.

01:24:10.260 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:24:17.780 I can feel it in my bones.

01:24:22.000 But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.

01:24:33.420 Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:24:43.420 Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you

01:24:55.420 And now I've been moving way too fast

01:25:03.300 On the runaway train with a heavy load of my past

01:25:08.160 And these rails that I've been riding on

01:25:13.760 They weren't so thin that they're damn near gone

01:25:16.500 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite

01:25:22.580 And welcome to Kite Club

01:25:23.880 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events

01:25:27.540 Stand-up stories

01:25:28.760 And seven ways to pleasure your partner

01:25:31.080 The answer may shock you

01:25:33.000 Sometimes I'll interview my friends

01:25:35.000 Sometimes I won't

01:25:36.340 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:25:39.820 You have three new voice messages

01:25:42.700 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club

01:25:45.700 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long

01:25:48.500 Longer than anybody else

01:25:50.140 So great

01:25:50.940 Aye, suya

01:25:52.680 Here's a deal

01:25:53.980 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club

01:25:56.440 Is a dodgy bloody wanker

01:25:58.480 Jermaine

01:25:59.180 Ho ho, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese

01:26:02.480 And a McFlurry

01:26:03.500 Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken

01:26:05.340 Ho ho ho, no

01:26:07.280 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:26:10.300 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is

01:26:12.720 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:26:14.420 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:26:16.360 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:26:18.620 Third rule

01:26:19.380 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts

01:26:22.020 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:26:24.620 And yes, don't worry

01:26:25.680 My Brad Pitt impression will get better

01:26:27.700 Thank you for listening to Kite Club

01:26:29.400 Thank you for listening to Kite Club

01:26:30.200 Thank you for listening to Kite Club

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - December 02, 2021

E369 Nick Swardson

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