This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E388 Kyle Dunnigan

00:00:00.000 We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.

00:00:02.300 Rocky's vacation, here we come.

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00:00:10.720 Fast-free Wi-Fi means I can make dinner reservations before we land.

00:00:14.760 And with live TV, I'm not missing the game.

00:00:17.800 It's kind of like, I'm already on vacation.

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00:00:28.580 See AirCanada.com.

00:00:29.760 More than 50 million men in the U.S. suffer from male pattern baldness.

00:00:34.980 And hell, I don't know if that's good or bad.

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00:01:14.460 I want to thank everybody for being a part of my life,

00:01:16.820 and I want to let you know that I have some new tour dates.

00:01:19.560 I am going to be Los Angeles, May 7th.

00:01:24.100 We added a show there at the Wiltern.

00:01:27.300 Albuquerque, May 18th.

00:01:30.040 Midland, Texas, May 19th.

00:01:31.940 Lubbock, May 20th.

00:01:34.240 Dallas, Texas, May 21.

00:01:36.180 That one's almost sold out.

00:01:38.080 Savannah, June 2nd.

00:01:40.660 Augusta, Georgia, Montgomery, Alabama.

00:01:42.900 Columbus, Georgia, June 3rd, 4th, and 5th.

00:01:46.240 I appreciate all you guys' love and support.

00:01:48.000 Tickets are on sale now at TheoVaughn.com slash T-O-U-R.

00:01:54.060 That's TheoVaughn.com slash tour.

00:01:57.600 And yeah, I'm just grateful for you guys.

00:02:00.080 Thank you so much.

00:02:01.280 Today's guest is returning for the second time.

00:02:05.940 And he's really, he's a one-of-a-kind impersonator

00:02:10.200 and comedian and creator.

00:02:14.720 And he is a real unique man.

00:02:17.020 I would say that.

00:02:18.380 If they had 100 men somewhere, he'd be the only one like him.

00:02:22.780 We're happy to have him back.

00:02:25.280 And he has his own show on YouTube called The Kyle Dunnigan Show.

00:02:30.140 Ladies and gentlemen, today's guest, Mr. Kyle Dunnigan.

00:02:33.040 For me to set that parking brake

00:02:35.540 And let myself unwind

00:02:38.500 Shine that light on me

00:02:42.500 I'll sit and tell you my stories

00:02:48.240 Shine on me

00:02:53.180 And I will find a song

00:02:57.420 I've been singing

00:02:58.600 Just roll

00:03:00.440 And now I've been moving way too good

00:03:07.660 Dude, remember my fight idea

00:03:09.020 We haven't done yet?

00:03:11.260 What was it?

00:03:11.880 Were we going to fight?

00:03:13.300 No.

00:03:14.380 Who would win?

00:03:15.340 I'm fast.

00:03:17.080 I would win.

00:03:18.060 You're stronger, but I'm faster.

00:03:20.420 For sure.

00:03:21.360 I'm also, I can get down low and come up huge.

00:03:23.700 Like I get low and

00:03:24.700 Like what do you mean?

00:03:26.100 Like one of those like 1.00

00:03:26.800 Like one of those lizards that like does that big trick?

00:03:31.060 I have a very long tour

00:03:32.220 So when I can just suddenly

00:03:33.340 You'll be like

00:03:33.860 How do you get way down there?

00:03:35.440 And I'll pop up huge.

00:03:37.200 I would win.

00:03:37.800 You'd be surprised.

00:03:39.340 I

00:03:39.440 There's two parts of me that wants

00:03:44.740 You know, one that wants to

00:03:45.980 Figure it out a little

00:03:50.440 When we hugged a little while ago

00:03:53.280 I felt like I would win in a fight.

00:03:54.700 What did you just feel?

00:03:57.060 Soft muscles on my back or something?

00:03:58.840 I mean, I don't know if

00:04:00.140 Soft muscles is a real thing, bro.

00:04:03.280 Is that?

00:04:04.560 Yeah, like Wagyu beef.

00:04:06.060 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:04:06.940 I felt that way.

00:04:07.600 Like a Wagyu cow? 0.79

00:04:08.700 Yeah, I definitely felt a sort of

00:04:11.520 Definitely something that had been caged, you know?

00:04:17.180 Yes, yes.

00:04:18.040 Well, you're wrong.

00:04:18.920 Okay.

00:04:19.920 I'm very dense, actually.

00:04:21.940 Really?

00:04:22.180 Yeah, just genetically.

00:04:24.060 I have a dense muscle structure.

00:04:26.420 Have you had your marrow tested or not?

00:04:28.460 Yeah.

00:04:29.340 Dense marrow.

00:04:29.960 Have you had your marrow tested?

00:04:31.860 Yeah, man.

00:04:32.720 Oh, that's miserable, huh?

00:04:35.060 Why'd you have it tested?

00:04:36.040 I think I was having some chronic type of thing, and so they tested it.

00:04:41.520 Oh, good.

00:04:41.900 But that kind of stuff's miserable. 0.98

00:04:44.380 Yeah, I have this thing called, I'm a liar. 0.91

00:04:46.660 I never had it tested.

00:04:48.080 Do you ever get punched in the face?

00:04:50.080 Yeah.

00:04:50.720 Can you take a punch, or do you sort of get your bell rung, your loss?

00:04:55.720 It hurts, but it also depends on how I am.

00:04:59.520 If I'm ready for it, I think I can kind of do okay.

00:05:03.080 I have no idea.

00:05:04.200 Like, I might have an iron chin or just paper.

00:05:06.680 I have no idea.

00:05:08.360 I'm curious.

00:05:08.820 And there's only one way to find out, you know?

00:05:10.480 Yeah, you never know until you get punched.

00:05:12.400 What's that?

00:05:12.780 I'm sorry, yes.

00:05:16.000 Should I get earplugged?

00:05:17.060 Somebody knows.

00:05:18.200 Our idea was we were going to match up celebs, be celebs, and do our own pay-per-view kind

00:05:25.640 of thing.

00:05:26.660 Well, you saw that Aaron Carters fought Lamar Odom.

00:05:31.320 I didn't see that.

00:05:32.300 Did that already happen, or it's going to happen?

00:05:33.800 It already happened.

00:05:34.620 Let's bring up a clip of that if we can.

00:05:36.060 Let's go to the clips.

00:05:38.320 But there's this big money in this, and then me and you, we commentate on it, whatever.

00:05:42.780 We bring our expertise to the table.

00:05:44.920 Ooh.

00:05:45.600 I like it.

00:05:46.340 Who would be a good match?

00:05:47.680 That's what we're talking about.

00:05:48.440 Because we have comedians, like, you know, they have little fights, kind of like rappers

00:05:51.880 or whatever.

00:05:52.300 You just go, you sort of preamble with a fight, and then you sort of announce they're going

00:05:57.300 to actually physically fight.

00:05:58.600 Yeah.

00:05:59.600 And you can just keep it on mute.

00:06:03.500 Let's see if we're good at being commentators as we do this.

00:06:06.520 There comes Lamar Odom into the ring.

00:06:08.860 Now, he's...

00:06:10.140 Ooh, and there's Aaron Carter.

00:06:11.660 Look at him.

00:06:12.120 He's kind of bouncing.

00:06:13.000 Ooh, there's a height difference.

00:06:14.320 It's intense.

00:06:14.920 This reach is just not fair. 0.63

00:06:16.680 Well, you see Carter there is nipple high on that brother.

00:06:19.880 He actually is fighting a man who was in the hospital.

00:06:23.780 Didn't he have a concussion?

00:06:25.120 He went into some kind of coma, right?

00:06:26.720 Both these guys have overdosed.

00:06:28.000 Oh, Jesus, man.

00:06:29.480 Come on.

00:06:30.720 This is not fair.

00:06:32.360 And there's...

00:06:33.460 Oh, and they hug at the end.

00:06:35.500 That's like when you hug me.

00:06:36.540 He feels this soft man.

00:06:38.920 So, obviously, they must have showed the highlight there.

00:06:41.300 Are there any highlights from that bout?

00:06:44.660 That seems like an awful fight if that was the highlight reel.

00:06:48.820 Lamar got the nod there.

00:06:50.760 Who would be a good match?

00:06:51.900 I think maybe...

00:06:52.500 What about Machine Gun Kelly versus Kelly Slater?

00:06:55.720 Oh, that'd be cool to just match names.

00:06:57.720 Yeah.

00:06:58.220 Like that.

00:06:59.160 Or versus Megyn Kelly. 1.00

00:07:00.680 Oh, yeah.

00:07:01.700 And I think Megyn Kelly might win. 1.00

00:07:03.480 They both have the same body style.

00:07:04.700 I did her show last week, which I never thought I would do her show.

00:07:09.000 But when someone just asks me, I always just say yes.

00:07:11.160 That's my policy.

00:07:12.460 Oh, wow.

00:07:14.100 And then she did this thing. 0.80

00:07:16.240 Very nice.

00:07:17.460 But when people try to improvise, you know, it's not easy.

00:07:22.020 She doesn't like it or what happened?

00:07:23.240 No.

00:07:23.600 They did this thing, which is, of course, this is what she would do.

00:07:25.820 But she's like, what does Jeff Goldblum think of the war in Ukraine?

00:07:30.820 So you have to sit there and on the fly write a Jeff Goldblum monologue about the Ukraine

00:07:37.100 that's funny.

00:07:37.740 I mean, it's like an impossible...

00:07:39.320 You're supposed to give something.

00:07:41.120 They call it yes and-ing when you improvise.

00:07:42.740 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:07:43.080 I'll be like, hey, I saw you at the burger place.

00:07:46.740 You had that giant cat with you.

00:07:49.640 Yes.

00:07:49.880 I've given you something.

00:07:51.280 Yes.

00:07:51.680 And the cat has malaria.

00:07:54.180 Yeah, you've added yes and.

00:07:55.880 Yeah, yeah.

00:07:56.600 But you don't ask an open-ended question.

00:07:59.400 How do I know this?

00:08:00.220 The Groundlings.

00:08:01.760 Yeah.

00:08:02.700 I went to two classes.

00:08:03.660 Worst place. 1.00

00:08:04.100 It sucks. 0.99

00:08:05.120 I went to two classes there and the teacher was a Native American woman, I remember. 0.99

00:08:09.240 Karen?

00:08:10.380 Yeah.

00:08:11.080 I had Karen.

00:08:11.840 Yamamamu.

00:08:12.900 I think I got that.

00:08:13.220 Yeah.

00:08:14.460 Pretty cool, man.

00:08:16.060 They're nice.

00:08:16.820 But that place...

00:08:17.540 Because who's more from the earth or actual Groundlings than Native Americans? 1.00

00:08:21.820 And the name Groundlings, you think that's all tied together?

00:08:24.480 I wouldn't be shocked.

00:08:25.520 I mean, I wasn't shocked when I got there and it's like, this is the Groundlings and your teacher's

00:08:29.600 Native American.

00:08:29.940 I was like, for me, it made perfect sense.

00:08:32.920 I thought.

00:08:34.560 But it was my first experience.

00:08:36.540 I feel like right when you get into Hollywood, everybody goes to the Groundlings.

00:08:39.360 Yeah.

00:08:39.760 It seems like that's your way onto SNL or something.

00:08:42.140 But then you get there and then they don't even pay.

00:08:44.920 These shows are sold out every night.

00:08:46.780 They're sold out.

00:08:47.780 They don't even give you gas money.

00:08:49.280 Yeah.

00:08:49.500 Give me $5 to get to this sold out theater.

00:08:52.280 Yeah.

00:08:52.520 That's really...

00:08:53.240 I don't know why they don't revolt there.

00:08:55.560 They could tell a Judaic at a certain point. 0.73

00:08:57.360 It really gets a little like...

00:08:59.640 Yeah, they just take...

00:09:00.760 Yeah, there's not...

00:09:02.260 A lot of taking.

00:09:03.080 No giving.

00:09:03.660 Give a little bit of gas money, I think.

00:09:05.940 What...

00:09:06.620 I was going to open a place next door called...

00:09:09.120 Like, I wanted to become a multi-billionaire and just open the Skylings next door and pay 1.00

00:09:13.300 everybody like $100,000 a week and just take all their talent.

00:09:17.220 Yeah.

00:09:17.460 Like, what now?

00:09:19.340 Dude, and if the Skylings, if people airlifted into it, or people came... 0.99

00:09:24.120 There was no parking.

00:09:24.940 You just landed on the roof.

00:09:26.140 You had to get...

00:09:26.780 Everyone gets a helicopter to...

00:09:28.920 It's going to be expensive.

00:09:29.780 Well, I'm a billionaire.

00:09:32.600 Dude, what happened to COVID, bro?

00:09:36.000 Well, it's in China now.

00:09:37.860 Last I heard it.

00:09:38.780 What?

00:09:39.380 It's in China now.

00:09:40.280 But how can a disease that is...

00:09:42.820 Everybody has it or can get it just be only at certain spots?

00:09:46.340 That's what I don't understand.

00:09:47.460 Like, was malaria, like, picky choosy like that?

00:09:51.080 I honestly have...

00:09:53.120 I'm the worst person.

00:09:54.300 I have no information.

00:09:55.420 I don't understand any of it.

00:09:57.200 I don't know.

00:09:58.160 I know this variance peeled off or something.

00:10:00.340 I had it once.

00:10:01.520 I don't know which one I had.

00:10:02.880 I think I had the Delta thing or something.

00:10:04.800 Wasn't that bad for me, but...

00:10:07.460 Yeah.

00:10:08.180 It's just weird how it disappeared.

00:10:11.200 Yeah.

00:10:12.160 And it's funny, because in the...

00:10:13.600 What is it?

00:10:13.920 19...

00:10:14.260 I'm doing Trump hands.

00:10:16.140 In, like, 1919 or whatever, when they had the other one.

00:10:19.340 Terrific.

00:10:20.840 They had...

00:10:21.320 That one took, like, two years.

00:10:22.820 It doesn't matter, like, how much you have in terms of technology or what we've gained knowledge.

00:10:28.260 It still needs two years to get out of here.

00:10:30.460 Yeah.

00:10:30.680 It seems.

00:10:31.940 Yeah.

00:10:32.360 It had a great PR run.

00:10:33.680 Whatever it is, it had a great publicist, the whole thing.

00:10:36.800 It felt kind of masterful, but it does feel...

00:10:38.800 I mean, it feels like...

00:10:40.020 Now that it's completely disappeared, it feels way more...

00:10:43.120 Like, a lot more of a facade than it really was.

00:10:45.640 If it could just disappear, right?

00:10:48.900 Well, I'm...

00:10:49.920 Again, don't listen to me, but I think what happens is, you know, it mutates and it gets weaker as it...

00:10:55.280 It seems to get weaker as it mutates.

00:10:57.140 And so that's what happened.

00:10:58.320 And I know a guy, he was in my house and he died early on.

00:11:02.320 And I...

00:11:02.680 It was, like, right away, like, this is here.

00:11:04.700 And a guy I knew was dead.

00:11:06.040 And so I immediately was terrified of it.

00:11:08.480 Oh, wow.

00:11:08.940 You know, when he was 50 years old, he was an old guy. 0.82

00:11:11.460 And was he thick?

00:11:12.340 Was he smoking?

00:11:13.220 Was he doing dope?

00:11:14.080 No, he was pretty straight, narrow guy.

00:11:17.100 Did he work near, like, a smokestack or anything?

00:11:19.000 Like, was there any, like...

00:11:19.860 No, he lived far away from smokestacks.

00:11:22.040 He wasn't...

00:11:22.600 Didn't seem sickly.

00:11:23.820 Oh.

00:11:25.480 He was in that band.

00:11:27.320 And, you know, Stacy's mom, that guy, Adam Schlesinger.

00:11:31.180 Yeah.

00:11:31.540 And he was in my house, like, a couple of months before that.

00:11:35.720 And he was just dead all of a sudden.

00:11:37.260 So I was wiping down my tuna.

00:11:39.640 Yeah.

00:11:40.200 Can of tuna.

00:11:40.980 Whenever I got to the grocery store, I just wiped it down.

00:11:43.080 I was really paranoid in the beginning.

00:11:44.580 You never gave...

00:11:45.680 You never feared it.

00:11:47.320 I mean, I was just...

00:11:48.440 At first, I didn't understand it.

00:11:49.720 But then once I had friends that people started dying, I was like, something's going on here.

00:11:55.300 But I just felt like the best course was probably just to let it run, let it go.

00:12:01.020 I don't know if all the...

00:12:02.260 It just felt...

00:12:03.540 Always felt very bizarre to me.

00:12:05.260 And then how I could be in Tennessee, and it's wide open.

00:12:10.540 And you come here, and you'd be like, oh, my God.

00:12:12.700 It's like a slave planet here.

00:12:14.480 And then the numbers weren't that much worse.

00:12:17.140 Although I will say, I guess when you're in a city, it is going to spread easier because you're more packed.

00:12:21.520 There's millions of people packed together.

00:12:23.580 So I guess that makes kind of sense.

00:12:25.240 It would be more in the cities.

00:12:27.140 But it didn't seem like it was...

00:12:30.220 No place was really spared, really.

00:12:33.620 Yeah.

00:12:33.980 Well, it just didn't seem like it.

00:12:35.120 How would they let me fly from one place where people are just rampantly...

00:12:38.220 I know.

00:12:38.880 It's still like that.

00:12:39.780 You go to a place where you put a mask on, you're like, all right.

00:12:41.740 And then you sit down, you can take your mask off.

00:12:44.100 Some airlines, you got to lower your thing to chew and then put it back up when you're done chewing. 0.99

00:12:48.520 And then other airlines are like, we don't give a fuck here at Delta or whatever it is. 0.97

00:12:52.320 I kind of like that, the up and down. 0.99

00:12:54.500 That part, I kind of like a little bit.

00:12:56.220 You have a little more privacy on the plane.

00:12:57.820 And as long as you get a snack, you get...

00:12:59.620 It definitely makes you feel more like somebody that's grazing, though.

00:13:04.880 You're like, oh, if I get some food, then I'll be fine.

00:13:08.120 See, here's why I don't like it.

00:13:09.840 And this is just self-centered stuff.

00:13:12.660 Some people look better with a mask on.

00:13:15.020 But this is my money zone.

00:13:17.660 This is where I look really good.

00:13:18.860 Oh, yeah, you do have like kind of like a strong lips.

00:13:22.860 And everything else kind of falls apart.

00:13:24.100 But this is where I bring it back, you know, so I can be like a five.

00:13:27.580 I don't know what number I am, but...

00:13:29.320 No, you're not a five, bro.

00:13:31.400 I think it's nice to say I'm a five.

00:13:33.640 What?

00:13:34.140 You are way more...

00:13:35.280 You are better than a five, man.

00:13:38.640 I've seen fives, man.

00:13:40.740 And also most people are a five.

00:13:43.220 Yeah, I feel like I'm...

00:13:44.720 So you're better than that.

00:13:45.880 I appreciate that, but I think I'm probably pretty average looks-wise.

00:13:51.040 It's hard to say.

00:13:51.700 I think if you go for a good run, right?

00:13:55.360 Yeah.

00:13:55.760 You have maybe a couple...

00:13:56.780 You challenge yourself with some maybe even a spicy food or something.

00:14:01.520 Or, you know, I see you eating a steak or something.

00:14:05.240 You're an eight.

00:14:06.940 Just by eating a steak.

00:14:08.980 Just by whatever...

00:14:09.800 If you go for a good run, you show up sweaty.

00:14:11.980 You kind of like have that John Kusack-y sort of I'm funny.

00:14:14.860 You have pretty good clothes.

00:14:16.540 You have good shoes and stuff, which I think brings you up a little bit.

00:14:19.120 I think my clothes game brings me down.

00:14:23.260 If I maybe wore nicer stuff, that might help.

00:14:25.940 I think you seem like the guy in the beginning of a movie

00:14:28.940 before he's going to get it all together.

00:14:31.100 Okay.

00:14:31.820 I just downloaded an exercise app this morning.

00:14:34.520 Was it Fitbot?

00:14:35.960 No, it was Fitcoach.

00:14:37.420 Oh, there's some new ones out.

00:14:39.240 But yeah, I got these boots, man.

00:14:40.720 These Rujo boots.

00:14:41.540 And they're nice.

00:14:42.060 You know, this is ostrich.

00:14:43.600 Is that right?

00:14:44.300 Yeah.

00:14:45.660 Ostrich.

00:14:46.660 Yeah.

00:14:48.040 Are they bumpy like that?

00:14:49.680 Oh, yeah.

00:14:50.260 Is that just where their feathers come out or something?

00:14:51.640 Yeah, because the feathers come out.

00:14:52.920 And the crazy thing is, I believe that they send you also the feathers with...

00:14:57.160 So it's almost like a...

00:14:59.140 Wait, what do you mean you believe?

00:15:00.640 Didn't you get them?

00:15:01.460 Yeah, but I did.

00:15:02.080 There was like a separate little package with each one that I didn't open up.

00:15:04.900 But someone said that.

00:15:05.860 There's some company that sends you the feathers also with the boots.

00:15:08.880 I don't want that.

00:15:10.640 I don't know.

00:15:11.180 It's kind of like at least you're taking...

00:15:13.640 It's almost like the guy that kills the animal and uses it all.

00:15:16.460 You know?

00:15:16.840 It's like it...

00:15:17.640 That's why they want you to use these feathers.

00:15:20.240 Well, I think if they do that, I kind of like the concept of a company saying, okay, you want this leather belt?

00:15:26.020 Here's also the hoofs.

00:15:27.560 Here's the horns.

00:15:29.060 Here's the...

00:15:29.640 You know what I'm saying?

00:15:30.380 Like put a responsibility on the person who's going to wear the leather.

00:15:38.380 Okay, okay.

00:15:38.980 So then you can say, yes, I wear leather.

00:15:41.280 Yeah.

00:15:41.860 But I use the entire animal.

00:15:44.020 Yes, yes.

00:15:44.600 You know, I have a wallet made out of a, you know, you know, duck bladder or goat bladder. 0.98

00:15:50.600 I have, you know, you know, I have this little weed carrying case made out of like a hollowed out horn or something.

00:15:57.360 Like I just feel like then if you did that, then you, they can't trump you by saying, oh, you're wearing...

00:16:02.840 That's a really interesting thought.

00:16:04.920 And like a carton of eggs comes with beaks.

00:16:07.540 Yeah.

00:16:07.800 Like there's room in that carton to just stuff like the beaks on there.

00:16:10.920 Oh, you could stack 12 beaks right on there.

00:16:12.160 Four.

00:16:12.600 You know, I don't know.

00:16:13.380 Actually, I do know.

00:16:14.320 I think they can have a ton of eggs, man.

00:16:16.640 So it could just be one beak.

00:16:18.380 How do you feel about different colored eggs?

00:16:20.120 Like do you feel like are one healthier?

00:16:22.240 I feel like the all white eggs aren't healthy.

00:16:24.520 Is that just, do I just make that up?

00:16:26.680 I mean, I will say that in the brown cartons, there's a little more crime, if you know what I'm saying, bro. 0.67

00:16:32.340 So I will say that. 0.99

00:16:33.840 But I mean, I'm just, you know, people graffiti a lot of shit. 0.99

00:16:37.580 But what I'm saying is that the white ones do look a little bit more like they kind of put them together as opposed to they were actually hatched. 0.97

00:16:47.520 If you get that hatched batch, you have, bring up hatched eggs, please.

00:16:52.200 Fresh hatched.

00:16:55.980 Right there in the hay.

00:16:57.580 Yeah, that's, oh, yeah, that's gross.

00:17:05.760 Yeah, if you can look at that, if you can look at that, you can see.

00:17:10.960 And sometimes they even have some green ones.

00:17:14.200 Yeah, they get really funky.

00:17:16.520 Yeah, it's almost like the colors of Tic Tacs.

00:17:19.000 Mm-hmm.

00:17:19.960 That's what they're based on.

00:17:21.040 What percentage of, do you think there was some, though, like a lot of fear created by the media around COVID?

00:17:30.100 Oh, no doubt.

00:17:31.460 Yeah.

00:17:31.660 I mean, they grab onto something and they just run it and run it over and over again.

00:17:37.900 And just saying something over and over again.

00:17:40.000 Yeah.

00:17:42.100 It just worms into your brain, you know?

00:17:45.920 Yeah.

00:17:46.100 They need to just go, okay, we'll do this for 10 minutes.

00:17:48.000 This is for 10 minutes.

00:17:48.680 I don't watch the, you know, I just stop watching.

00:17:50.600 Oh, yeah.

00:17:50.940 I think a lot of people, their ratings are way down.

00:17:53.520 It's horrible.

00:17:54.600 Yeah, I think Fox News has the best ratings I know.

00:17:56.700 But I don't know, it's all, I mean, it's just, I don't know.

00:18:00.960 I don't watch it.

00:18:01.620 Who even goes to their television, like, at a certain time to see, you know what I'm saying?

00:18:06.200 Like, I don't even think that happens anymore.

00:18:08.380 But you know what did happen was they just found some alien stuff.

00:18:12.600 They just declassified a bunch of aliens.

00:18:14.480 Is this true?

00:18:15.360 I heard that they're getting people pregnant. 0.96

00:18:17.200 Was that the thing?

00:18:18.400 It said, I don't know, can you bring that up?

00:18:22.080 I don't believe in aliens, really.

00:18:23.800 You don't?

00:18:24.220 Well, not really, because I just, what bothers me is if you're going to go across the galaxy,

00:18:29.400 it's very large distances.

00:18:31.600 Okay.

00:18:31.880 When you get there, you're just going to hide.

00:18:35.000 I just feel like you'd want to be like, we're here.

00:18:39.420 You know, can you just imagine?

00:18:40.520 They're beings like us.

00:18:41.960 I mean, they're creatures of the universe.

00:18:44.000 Yeah.

00:18:44.600 And if you're traveling this far.

00:18:47.320 Okay.

00:18:47.760 So why are you hiding?

00:18:50.280 And then what weird experiments are you doing?

00:18:53.060 Right.

00:18:53.340 It just doesn't seem to add up to a logical conclusion.

00:18:56.280 Well, I think they used to do the experiments when they were trying to figure out what was going on,

00:19:00.160 if there was anything happening here.

00:19:01.840 To me, I think it's almost like you ever have somebody take you to one of those local zoos, you know,

00:19:07.720 the driving parks?

00:19:09.180 A driving zoo?

00:19:10.360 No.

00:19:10.480 You ever have that?

00:19:11.080 No.

00:19:11.420 In Robert, Louisiana, we used to have this place called, I think it was Larry's Zoo or something.

00:19:17.480 Larry's?

00:19:18.440 Yeah.

00:19:18.700 Apostrophe S.

00:19:23.120 Larry's.

00:19:23.600 Yeah.

00:19:23.820 One Larry.

00:19:24.360 But, and they had all types of animals there, you know, and they say it's all types, but

00:19:30.020 it's like a mule and they would like paint, you know, paint, do stripes on it or dye its

00:19:35.260 skin, you know, to zebra it.

00:19:36.640 Oh, okay.

00:19:37.040 But they would have at least one giraffe.

00:19:39.160 They'd have one antelope, you know, they'd have a couple animals that were, they'd have

00:19:45.060 like a big, big cat or something in a cage and like keep it far away where you couldn't

00:19:48.880 get close to it, but they would say it was like a dangerous animal.

00:19:51.240 Oh, would you, they're saying they would paint them so they would be like other animals?

00:19:54.780 Just zebra.

00:19:55.600 Zebra was the only one that ever, they ever did that.

00:19:57.400 I went to the circus once, they had a goat and they said, they said, come see the first

00:20:01.260 living unicorn.

00:20:02.500 And this as a, from a child, they just put the goats things, they kept tying them together.

00:20:06.360 So it's really, it was goat, two goat horns, they spun together.

00:20:09.580 Oh, wow.

00:20:10.180 Over like years. 0.96

00:20:11.120 We went to one thing in a middle school and this monkey starts pleasuring himself. 0.70

00:20:16.580 It was like a window and everyone starts laughing and oh, and then he climaxes and everyone 0.80

00:20:23.040 goes, oh, like that.

00:20:25.000 And then, and he's looking, you know, monkey looking in the eye, he takes it, puts it in

00:20:29.600 his mouth.

00:20:30.680 So it went from like, ha ha to, oh, to like, oh.

00:20:34.820 And then the teacher tried to get everybody out of there.

00:20:37.920 When you're in eighth grade, that's the funniest thing you can possibly see.

00:20:40.780 And did he swallow you think?

00:20:42.340 Or did ever, at that point, everybody was out.

00:20:44.000 You're probably like locked in.

00:20:45.860 Yeah, it was locked.

00:20:46.360 You probably like are now a pen pal.

00:20:47.460 He gave it a taste.

00:20:49.100 Yeah.

00:20:49.380 He wasn't. 0.86

00:20:50.160 Oh, it was disgusting.

00:20:51.200 Did it look like it was the first time he'd done it?

00:20:52.820 Or did it look like he had done, this is a practice?

00:20:56.000 It looked like a first time.

00:20:57.560 And he saw everyone's reaction to the fact that he jizzed.

00:21:01.940 And then he was like, what else?

00:21:03.520 He was just, he felt the bug, like the performing bug.

00:21:06.680 Yeah.

00:21:07.840 He's like Charlie Chaplin.

00:21:09.100 You think that was crazy?

00:21:10.840 Yeah.

00:21:12.980 Dude, that's insane, man.

00:21:14.560 I remember, and I've told this story before, and RIP, this one fellow that I grew up with.

00:21:19.940 But we were in a hot tub, right, when I was a child, and somebody had a birthday party.

00:21:26.380 Yeah.

00:21:27.220 And everybody was excited.

00:21:28.520 Nobody had a hot tub.

00:21:30.520 So people are over there.

00:21:31.780 And Louisiana is dangerous.

00:21:33.000 You know, it's insane. 0.95

00:21:33.920 The whole state is a hot tub.

00:21:35.860 So it's insane to get a hot tub.

00:21:38.100 It's like.

00:21:39.060 It's already hot and wet.

00:21:40.700 Oh, well, yeah.

00:21:41.340 It's just like, you know, somebody's doing a crawfish boil in one part of the yard, and they're literally boiling.

00:21:46.460 And then you're sitting in a hot, it's just the whole.

00:21:50.460 It's already, it's a hot tub of the state.

00:21:53.060 Yeah.

00:21:53.420 So anyway, we all go over there.

00:21:54.820 It's going to be a sleepover. 0.89

00:21:56.500 And there's this one fellow who'd been ejaculating. 0.69

00:22:00.360 Nobody knew. 0.56

00:22:01.520 In the hot tub?

00:22:02.340 No, no, no.

00:22:02.860 Oh.

00:22:03.240 Just on his own time.

00:22:05.640 And nobody knew it, right?

00:22:07.580 He hadn't said anything, and maybe he might have hung out with older people.

00:22:10.760 He was a rodeo boy.

00:22:12.680 Wait a minute.

00:22:12.980 I'm confused. 0.99

00:22:14.140 He masturbated on his own time. 0.99

00:22:18.520 Yeah. 0.98

00:22:18.880 Okay, so why is this, like, why is that news?

00:22:23.080 Oh, I'm going to get to it.

00:22:23.880 Isn't that generally, okay.

00:22:24.760 I'm going to get there.

00:22:25.480 So yeah, sorry, I was just setting up.

00:22:26.620 I was kind of setting the table there for that.

00:22:29.040 So what happened next was this.

00:22:30.800 So we're all in the hot tub.

00:22:31.960 Everybody's, you know, kind of just joking around, talking about baseball, maybe singing hat or, you know, ribbing this one fella about his birthday.

00:22:39.740 And that fella ended up dying years later.

00:22:42.200 But this one fella named CJ, he's under the water, and he's been pleasuring himself, right?

00:22:49.960 And none of us know.

00:22:51.620 We'd never even seen it.

00:22:53.120 How old are you?

00:22:53.860 Huh?

00:22:54.560 You're how old?

00:22:54.920 Probably 10, maybe.

00:22:55.860 And he was maybe 13 or 14.

00:22:57.180 He'd been held back a couple times.

00:22:58.780 Oh, God. 0.97

00:22:59.460 And I remember he even had a, he was, he was like, he had shorts on and a belt buckle, which was fucking insane, right? 0.96

00:23:05.240 He was like a real rodeo boy. 0.95

00:23:07.420 Well, anyway, he pulls his wiener out, and he brings it out of the water.

00:23:11.380 Like, just like Loch Ness in it, right?

00:23:13.100 Right out the water, and just starts spraying into this hot tub. 0.98

00:23:16.940 And we didn't know what was going on, right?

00:23:18.980 So this one fella named Will, you know, God bless him, man.

00:23:22.860 God bless his soul.

00:23:24.320 He grabs onto it, because he didn't know if something was happening to him, like his body was leaking out of himself.

00:23:29.140 Right.

00:23:29.280 Like he was gonna.

00:23:29.860 Scary.

00:23:30.360 It was gonna keep going until there was nothing left of him.

00:23:32.200 He put a tourniquet on it, yeah.

00:23:34.240 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:23:35.020 Like tie it off.

00:23:36.300 So he just grabs it to stop it, right?

00:23:38.560 And the kid punched him in the neck.

00:23:42.900 So hard, dude, that it was just, it was so many immediate things at once, and it was just like. 0.99

00:23:50.020 Well, he really grabbed his cock to help him. 0.99

00:23:53.080 He was saying, like, let me stop this. 0.99

00:23:54.720 To save him, yeah.

00:23:55.700 It's like if you saw somebody bleeding or somebody got, you know, somebody macheted somebody, and you had to help them.

00:24:01.140 And how confusing. 0.89

00:24:02.140 You're trying to help someone, they punch you in the neck.

00:24:04.120 Oh, and none of us knew what was going on.

00:24:06.880 What a crazy, like, I don't know, was it 13 seconds?

00:24:09.800 It was probably a very quick thing.

00:24:11.900 It was insane, though. 0.91

00:24:13.440 To just have that much go on, and then you're all just in this hot water, and then there's semen in there. 0.96

00:24:18.280 There's just, oh, God. 0.86

00:24:20.540 And you don't even know what it is?

00:24:21.960 Oh, we had no idea, bro.

00:24:23.820 You were just touching it?

00:24:24.880 Like, what is that?

00:24:25.460 You got out?

00:24:26.220 Oh, people didn't know if it was like liquid ghost or what it was, you know?

00:24:29.520 People were shocked, bro.

00:24:32.400 I remember just people just, like, you know, mouth open.

00:24:36.480 People, like, someone guy got, he couldn't even move.

00:24:39.380 Was there?

00:24:40.100 You had to, like, tag him.

00:24:41.040 Like, he got into a game of freeze tag.

00:24:42.640 He didn't even know.

00:24:43.440 Like, just with, like, just, like, the God.

00:24:45.700 Just the shock of it all.

00:24:46.700 Yeah, the shock. 0.92

00:24:47.140 Was there consequences for this 13-year-old pervert? 0.86

00:24:50.420 Ah, not at that time. 0.81

00:24:53.640 I'm sure.

00:24:54.320 I think, though, at that point, people were afraid.

00:24:56.440 Nobody wanted to rat the guy out. 0.95

00:24:58.440 So, he went totally, submerged, masturbated, submerged, and then came out of the water. 0.73

00:25:03.840 Oh, no, he was just sitting there, we're all chatting. 0.98

00:25:05.540 Oh, so he was, like, wanking while he was just sitting there. 0.71

00:25:06.980 But he's in there, yeah. 0.93

00:25:07.960 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:25:08.960 So, he could have been homosexual as well. 0.97

00:25:10.740 You know what I'm saying?

00:25:11.200 It's the thing that it's all boys there, but he was also a boy.

00:25:13.440 If he was a man, it would have been way weird.

00:25:15.140 But since he was a boy, I think it keeps him out of that pedophile.

00:25:20.900 It's always interesting, like, the ages where the government has to cut off.

00:25:24.580 You just have to make an age for, you know, laws.

00:25:27.900 But really, it's a very gray, sweeping area.

00:25:31.560 We'll let you see this fella jack off, but a week from now, you can't watch, you know.

00:25:36.840 Yeah.

00:25:37.220 But a week ago, you couldn't watch him.

00:25:38.820 Right.

00:25:39.420 I'm wearing kind of a smock today, and I got some real church hair going on.

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00:26:57.540 All right.

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00:28:09.820 Yeah, I remember we talked about that last time you were here a little bit, about just

00:28:12.620 like, yeah, the first time we'd ever been involved in self-pleasure and just all that

00:28:17.000 that went on with that.

00:28:18.420 Well, you had a good memory.

00:28:19.880 Yeah, I remember just like weird stuff happening when you're younger, and you go to a neighbor,

00:28:26.540 you're just interacting with another family, and you think your family's normal, and then

00:28:30.580 you're like, oh, there's this whole other thing going on to people.

00:28:33.540 Did you ever like, you know, like, were you ever like sneaking around anybody's house

00:28:40.300 looking at people's mom's underpants or sister's underpants, anything like that, like at a birthday

00:28:45.240 party or something?

00:28:47.260 Because that kind of stuff happens a lot.

00:28:50.240 I'm sure, I'm trying to think of a specific story, but I'm sure there was always an interest

00:28:53.700 in women's like underwear. 1.00

00:28:55.520 I remember I had under my bed, I would take out of the magazines like women underwear ads. 0.99

00:29:01.580 Oh, wow.

00:29:02.100 I remember my, it was suddenly gone, right?

00:29:06.340 They never had a talk with me, but I think my dad probably thought I was like gay, and

00:29:11.320 then he was like, oh, he was probably like relieved, not that he was against gay people,

00:29:15.060 but probably like my life wouldn't be as hard, because my mom had me singing and dancing,

00:29:19.240 you know? 0.83

00:29:19.620 Yeah, I remember you shared some of that about your mom and clowns. 0.88

00:29:23.540 Clowns, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.84

00:29:24.740 Really treating you like a Marianne. 0.99

00:29:27.420 Lady, my sister dressed up like a girl, and she called me Kyleena for like a lot of the 1.00

00:29:32.080 time I was a child, and I was raised as a woman, and then I had to come out as a straight

00:29:39.280 man, and it was tough, yeah.

00:29:40.980 Oh my God, at what age?

00:29:43.360 What age do you think you, do you think there were people that thought this guy's a homosexual?

00:29:47.640 You know, probably.

00:29:50.660 I know I never really said, but I would say I was into theater.

00:29:53.680 Oh, here's a story.

00:29:54.920 This is a sign of the times.

00:29:57.500 Okay.

00:29:58.560 A guy came in, a peer educator in high school, and he's like, we're going to get all the groups

00:30:03.320 together, okay?

00:30:04.440 So he's like, I'm going to run on the chalkboard the different groups we have at the school.

00:30:08.420 You guys just shout them out.

00:30:09.720 Okay.

00:30:10.400 Jocks.

00:30:10.980 Jocks, great.

00:30:11.620 Okay.

00:30:12.000 He writes jocks on the board.

00:30:14.320 Cheerleaders, okay. 1.00

00:30:16.940 Smoking Lounge.

00:30:17.640 There's a smoking lounge group, you know?

00:30:18.980 Oh, yeah.

00:30:19.400 And then someone went, playgays, and he's like, okay, playgays.

00:30:23.700 Like, now they would never write that on the board, but it said playgays, and I was like 0.79

00:30:27.420 the head, I was the president of the drama, I was like the head playgay guy. 0.96

00:30:31.760 Oh, yeah.

00:30:32.660 And then they're like, now ask someone from another group a question.

00:30:36.580 Yeah.

00:30:37.060 And this girl from like the cheerleader popular girls goes, what do you guys like do on the

00:30:42.220 weekends?

00:30:44.400 Remember that?

00:30:45.300 And I was like.

00:30:46.560 Did that make you feel scared?

00:30:48.240 Weird?

00:30:48.680 Just like, I was like, why?

00:30:50.560 I think I said like, we read plays.

00:30:52.640 Yeah, we try on different Willy Loman costumes.

00:30:55.160 What's your problem? 1.00

00:30:55.780 Bitch. 1.00

00:30:56.560 How many invite me to a party? 1.00

00:30:58.200 I think, yeah, if there's somebody that's in drama and they talk kind of, if they talk

00:31:06.660 a little weird, people will call them gays, probably.

00:31:09.300 Also being skinny.

00:31:10.460 Like, I was really tiny.

00:31:13.540 Oh.

00:31:13.980 And tiny dancing.

00:31:15.280 Did you wear sweaters, too?

00:31:16.380 I wore sweaters.

00:31:18.260 I even wore a turtleneck every now and then.

00:31:20.320 Oh, God.

00:31:21.200 You know?

00:31:22.020 Yeah.

00:31:22.340 I didn't have any girlfriend in high school.

00:31:24.280 I didn't know why.

00:31:25.160 Yeah, dude. 0.91

00:31:25.560 You were gay. 1.00

00:31:26.440 You were gay. 1.00

00:31:27.140 That's why. 0.96

00:31:27.900 Yeah.

00:31:28.420 I mean, you know.

00:31:29.060 That's probably what happened.

00:31:29.460 It's okay.

00:31:29.960 I think there's probably a half hour to a couple months where everybody's gay at certain points 0.69

00:31:35.780 of life, whether they act on it or not.

00:31:38.160 Yeah.

00:31:38.660 Just like fluid.

00:31:39.900 Everyone's fluid.

00:31:40.800 Well, I think the river's just going, you know, since you're born.

00:31:43.800 Here's the thing that's a true test.

00:31:45.620 Okay.

00:31:45.880 What are you looking up in your private time? 0.99

00:31:49.220 Like, I have no, I've never had an interest to see, like, in a sexual way, a guy's cock 0.86

00:31:54.100 and, like, guys, it just did not, like, enter my, even curiosity, like, maybe this 0.84

00:32:00.160 will do some, I always knew that was just not for me.

00:32:02.580 Yeah.

00:32:03.120 And-

00:32:03.500 Yeah, same.

00:32:04.140 100%. 1.00

00:32:04.660 I've never Googled fella cock or, you know, like, guy or, like, brown cock or brown boners. 0.99

00:32:12.360 I've never Googled, you know, boy boners. 1.00

00:32:14.640 I've never, you know, I never, I tell you this, I've watched a ton of porn, I've never 0.94

00:32:19.980 even looked at the wieners in it.

00:32:22.240 Yeah.

00:32:22.420 It's like, that's my wiener.

00:32:24.620 Do you know what I mean?

00:32:25.620 Yeah.

00:32:26.020 Or it's just, I've never looked at it.

00:32:28.680 I look at the entrance.

00:32:31.320 What's that image?

00:32:32.740 Oh.

00:32:34.140 Yeah.

00:32:34.540 I've never looked at that image before. 0.73

00:32:35.900 I've never, can you name on one hand or two hands, and this is usually a gay test as 1.00

00:32:41.100 well. 0.91

00:32:41.280 All righty.

00:32:41.880 How, how many wieners you've seen that aren't yours?

00:32:46.700 In real life?

00:32:47.580 Yeah.

00:32:48.360 Pfft.

00:32:49.200 Wow.

00:32:50.160 So my dad's wiener, a flash of it counts.

00:32:55.900 Jesus.

00:32:59.740 I mean, I must have blocked him out because I must have seen more than my dad's wiener. 0.98

00:33:04.280 That's insane.

00:33:04.800 Probably like a urinal or something, but never, it was never like, no one's ever like, here's 1.00

00:33:09.480 my dick. 0.99

00:33:10.100 That's never happened to me. 1.00

00:33:11.300 Yeah.

00:33:11.640 You know, it was like, here's in my face kind of thing.

00:33:14.800 It was always like a flash shower or something.

00:33:16.960 I know like, oh yeah. 0.99

00:33:18.840 Like when you go to camp and everyone showers together, I saw a bunch of dicks there. 0.99

00:33:22.040 Oh. 0.99

00:33:22.880 Just, I mean, keep going. 1.00

00:33:24.820 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:33:25.780 Really? 1.00

00:33:26.140 You were looking down, huh?

00:33:27.920 Yeah.

00:33:28.800 You're supposed to stay shoulders up. 1.00

00:33:30.200 Naturally, you just go there and someone's got to shower with a penis. 1.00

00:33:35.460 Those aren't like hard cocks. 1.00

00:33:37.060 Those are like shriveled shower dicks. 1.00

00:33:39.260 So passive dicks. 1.00

00:33:40.480 So passive dicks. 0.99

00:33:40.520 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:40.940 How about you?

00:33:41.520 What's aggressive? 0.99

00:33:43.320 I just want aggressive dick count, not like passive shower. 0.98

00:33:45.800 Or in your life? 0.98

00:33:47.280 I remember like getting like being under like a blanket or sitting like in a circle with

00:33:56.040 some other naked boy when I was a kid.

00:33:58.200 Just like, I don't know if we were naked or I'd bathe into something that just seemed 0.98

00:34:01.780 a little homoerotic and somebody's penis, I think I saw, but also, oh, my brother's 1.00

00:34:09.440 wiener I saw. 1.00

00:34:10.520 Oh yeah.

00:34:11.320 You know, if you have a brother, you're going to see their wiener.

00:34:13.220 I saw my flash of my brother's two at once.

00:34:16.980 I don't even have a real picture of it. 0.95

00:34:19.160 Dude, there was a fucking dude one time that came, I remember when we were kids, we were 0.97

00:34:25.780 waiting. 0.99

00:34:26.220 My mom used to deliver all these newspapers to these different gas stations, right? 0.99

00:34:31.100 And this dude came right up by the window and put his penis against it. 0.96

00:34:36.820 And while we're sitting in the car, you know, and my brother and I were just like in the 0.99

00:34:40.920 backseat.

00:34:41.420 And so we kept fighting to get like furthest away from it.

00:34:43.840 It almost became like a game, you know? 0.99

00:34:45.620 That's a guy thing to like, here's my penis. 1.00

00:34:48.680 Rarely women are like, well, I put a vagina against a window and be like, look at this. 1.00

00:34:52.440 It's always a guy thing. 0.99

00:34:54.040 Yeah.

00:34:54.480 Yeah.

00:34:54.860 Guys, there's something funny about having something to show people to.

00:34:57.540 But my friend had this guy when he was like 12. 0.92

00:35:00.680 He was like masturbating with a blanket over him. 0.64

00:35:06.300 And I was talking to my other friend down, we're all in the same room. 0.97

00:35:08.280 Like a magician?

00:35:09.220 Yeah.

00:35:09.680 Like a magician.

00:35:11.000 And my other friend suddenly made his face.

00:35:12.580 He's like, blank, stop.

00:35:16.420 And I was like, don't, I'm trying to like be the, you know, the peacemaker.

00:35:20.400 Do you know the guy's name?

00:35:21.960 Yeah.

00:35:22.240 Yeah.

00:35:22.460 I just want to say it.

00:35:23.300 Yeah.

00:35:23.500 Can I guess it?

00:35:24.140 That was just give me one guess.

00:35:25.500 Which guy are you guessing?

00:35:26.740 The guy upset or the guy? 1.00

00:35:28.000 The guy who's jerking off. 0.99

00:35:28.900 Okay, go ahead. 0.99

00:35:31.380 Oh, this is going to be tough.

00:35:37.940 Rick.

00:35:38.340 Yep.

00:35:41.640 No.

00:35:42.420 It was John.

00:35:44.120 Yeah, I'm sure it was.

00:35:45.620 Okay, sorry.

00:35:46.160 I messed your story up.

00:35:46.820 Go on.

00:35:47.200 No, I think that was the whole story.

00:35:49.000 Oh, it was?

00:35:49.520 Dude, I don't, like, the crazy thing is, is you suddenly have this crazy gun on your body that, like, makes, you know, like.

00:36:00.600 Really bad bullets.

00:36:01.980 Yeah.

00:36:03.760 Ineffective firing tool.

00:36:04.840 But it's fun and it's cool, you know?

00:36:07.400 But also, there's a lot of shame that's pushed upon you.

00:36:11.460 Totally.

00:36:11.900 Well, you also don't know. 0.99

00:36:13.400 You know, we had a guy call in recently and said that his brother taught him how to masturbate. 0.96

00:36:16.660 And I thought that there was some value in that. 0.90

00:36:18.700 Because then it's like a, it's almost like, it's almost like tribal.

00:36:22.400 Like, I'm in a show.

00:36:23.340 No, no, no, no.

00:36:25.320 You don't feel it?

00:36:25.860 No one taught you?

00:36:26.720 Did someone teach you?

00:36:27.560 I think I want to be taught.

00:36:29.040 Like, no, a magazine or something, looking at something dirty.

00:36:32.500 That's what it is.

00:36:33.620 Because you find something hidden.

00:36:35.500 Then you look at it.

00:36:37.020 Then you go hide whatever caused you to do it.

00:36:40.300 So then you're like, it's this real game of hide and go seek with people that, you know, or your parents or whatever, teachers.

00:36:48.220 Yeah.

00:36:48.500 I just can't imagine now what they have at their, you know, like I was saying, like, bras was, that was it, mainly.

00:36:57.120 Like, underwear pictures.

00:36:58.300 Did you ever cop in a bra or something from someone and keep that as like a memento?

00:37:03.320 Kind of like, you know.

00:37:04.580 I think I had the opportunity.

00:37:06.140 I probably would have.

00:37:06.960 I think that that would interest me.

00:37:10.140 Fear of getting, you know, someone noticing, getting caught.

00:37:14.060 Were you making love in high school or anything like that?

00:37:16.920 I could not.

00:37:18.100 I literally was like so tiny and skinny. 0.90

00:37:21.680 And I was like, the way I got to girls, like I was like a clown. 0.94

00:37:25.040 I was clowning.

00:37:26.120 And then they would tell me about the guy they liked.

00:37:28.640 And I just would have to go home and be like, fake.

00:37:31.060 I was always like secretly in love with someone I had no idea.

00:37:34.000 And I would listen to like Phil Collins songs and get sad. 0.99

00:37:37.020 Damn, boy. 0.99

00:37:37.820 And I was Uncle Albert and this Mary Poppins, you know. 1.00

00:37:41.180 Uncle Albert is a humiliating part. 1.00

00:37:42.940 You're just a ridiculous person. 1.00

00:37:44.420 That sounds unbelievably tough to be. 1.00

00:37:47.160 This girl I was in love with, she wrote me a letter and I was excited about it.

00:37:51.240 And she wrote, you make the perfect Uncle Albert. 0.86

00:37:54.160 And I cried because I realized she just thinks I'm just like a clown.

00:37:58.040 But then later we ended up dating like 10 years, 15 years later, you know, dating.

00:38:02.220 It is funny how you get those chances years later, you know.

00:38:06.300 It's really great.

00:38:08.100 Yeah.

00:38:08.820 It's really great.

00:38:10.220 It's funny how years later those opportunities, that train comes back around.

00:38:14.760 It's a little worn down, you know.

00:38:16.960 And the train definitely has a lot of, uses a lot of spray tanner.

00:38:21.040 But it comes back through town.

00:38:22.900 You had that.

00:38:23.620 Were you kind of a popular kid in high school or?

00:38:27.000 I was doing fine.

00:38:28.480 Yeah.

00:38:28.860 I was doing fine.

00:38:30.240 But I think my confidence was so low.

00:38:33.740 Really?

00:38:34.260 You know.

00:38:34.520 Yeah.

00:38:34.940 And I had acne too.

00:38:36.400 And so I get so, in junior I had bad acne.

00:38:39.000 Okay.

00:38:39.780 So I'd be afraid to even like make certain letters of the alphabet because pimples would

00:38:43.620 pop on my face just from the pressure of it.

00:38:45.460 My skin was so tight because they put me on retinol or tenactin or something.

00:38:51.100 Yep.

00:38:51.720 So, and I'd put everything on my face.

00:38:54.060 I was so scared, you know.

00:38:55.140 I was like trying to use anything we had at the house to get my skin better.

00:38:59.040 And I would just be doused up. 0.96

00:39:02.380 And so my skin would be so tight that if I fucking hit, you know. 0.99

00:39:06.720 Oh, you'd just start bleeding? 0.99

00:39:07.960 It was that bad?

00:39:08.720 It would just, you know, you hit a strong, you hit a strong consonant, you know, batch

00:39:14.900 of consonants or something.

00:39:16.000 Yeah.

00:39:16.620 You know, or an alliteration or something.

00:39:18.420 And bam, you fire off a little pour with fire.

00:39:22.300 You know, you'd pop a pimple.

00:39:23.880 You were just so scared to talk to somebody because you thought a pimple was going to

00:39:26.200 pop and hit them.

00:39:27.080 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:27.740 So then you're kind of talking from back. 1.00

00:39:29.460 You're just fucking weird shit, you know. 1.00

00:39:31.380 All in my head. 1.00

00:39:32.540 Meanwhile, other dudes with pimples are banging and fucking touching ass and everything. 1.00

00:39:37.100 We had a retreat to some island. 1.00

00:39:39.560 And it was like seventh grade and it all coupled off.

00:39:43.100 And then it was like, I was just with this group of guys that we just know girls liked

00:39:46.260 us.

00:39:46.600 And I just was like, because that's the age where you go, oh, girls don't like me. 1.00

00:39:50.080 Like seventh grade, you go, oh, fuck. 1.00

00:39:53.140 You know? 1.00

00:39:53.760 Yeah.

00:39:53.920 Or like I was in the mirror at a gap store and it's like the three-way mirror.

00:39:57.840 And I saw like my nose had just exploded off my face.

00:40:01.160 It was just like, see you later. 0.99

00:40:02.920 And I was like, God damn it. 0.98

00:40:04.540 And that's where you usually end up with drugs or alcohol or usually say you're standing 0.99

00:40:08.060 around a fire.

00:40:08.760 Everybody else is coupled off.

00:40:09.720 You're there. 0.99

00:40:10.120 There's a couple other fucking nerds, you know, not nerds, but people that aren't getting 0.99

00:40:12.960 no action there. 1.00

00:40:14.020 That's usually when somebody picks up a stick, fucking hits. 1.00

00:40:16.800 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:40:17.760 Like there's some people start letting their anger out.

00:40:20.520 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:40:20.980 Somebody fucking beats somebody with a stick. 0.99

00:40:22.900 Somebody starts, you know, doing homemade coke. 1.00

00:40:25.660 Like people start getting, that's when once you start realizing you were rejected, that's

00:40:31.000 when that batch of misfits starts.

00:40:32.720 But I'll tell you, you never get away from it.

00:40:34.700 Let's say you're really popular in high school.

00:40:36.440 The pain will eventually hit you.

00:40:38.640 You're going to get older, something.

00:40:40.120 And like for me, you know, I started getting old, it didn't hit me.

00:40:42.540 I already got hit when I was younger.

00:40:44.160 So it's just a matter of time.

00:40:46.360 But did you have a chance though?

00:40:47.440 Was there a chance though, Kyle?

00:40:48.800 I feel like you had to have a chance with a woman at some point in high school and you

00:40:52.060 could have played it differently.

00:40:53.720 I could have played it differently?

00:40:55.060 Yeah. 0.98

00:40:55.220 Oh, I go back in my head like, oh, that girl liked me and fucking put it together. 0.98

00:40:59.400 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:59.560 I saw a boob when I was in, I think, 10th grade.

00:41:04.700 Amen.

00:41:05.120 In the moonlight, it was great.

00:41:08.040 I actually hooked up, like I'm kind of underplaying.

00:41:10.840 My junior year, I hooked up a couple of, didn't have sex, but it was on things where- 0.99

00:41:17.220 Were you all doing oral sex? 0.99

00:41:19.000 No. 1.00

00:41:20.220 I got, yeah, I did in high school get oral sex. 1.00

00:41:22.700 There you go. 1.00

00:41:23.180 I did.

00:41:23.580 Senior year.

00:41:24.620 Yeah.

00:41:26.340 But anyway, it was very hit and miss.

00:41:29.500 Yeah.

00:41:30.380 I've had a girlfriend a long time now.

00:41:31.960 I've gone on dates, but just, I haven't had a girlfriend, girlfriend like three and a half

00:41:35.580 years.

00:41:35.960 Weren't you dating some Swedish lady? 1.00

00:41:37.640 Spade said something about that.

00:41:39.240 Swedish?

00:41:40.060 Or something.

00:41:41.320 Amsterdamian or something?

00:41:43.620 No.

00:41:43.980 We went out with these, maybe let's talk about that.

00:41:48.680 Didn't you and Schumer used to date?

00:41:49.900 Did you guys date?

00:41:50.380 No, that's, I really hope that like, I got to wipe my internet search.

00:41:54.060 Is that out there?

00:41:55.120 It's like the first 90,000 Googles of me.

00:41:58.180 No, really?

00:41:58.960 And it's like, we never were boyfriend or girlfriend.

00:42:00.300 It's almost like, it's like, it doesn't matter what I say.

00:42:02.860 That's the internet is what the truth is.

00:42:04.960 Isn't that crazy?

00:42:05.580 Yeah.

00:42:06.020 It's like, it doesn't even matter what you say or what's going on.

00:42:08.520 Whatever the internet has logged into it.

00:42:10.420 Okay.

00:42:10.760 That's the power of PR and everything.

00:42:12.800 It's like, this is the truth.

00:42:14.820 It's like we have, somebody has cornered the market on the truth.

00:42:18.940 Yeah.

00:42:19.140 Yeah.

00:42:19.580 That's what's unbelievable about these people that own these websites and stuff.

00:42:25.820 It's like, it just feels unbelievable that they own the power of, of what's true or not

00:42:33.320 anymore.

00:42:33.720 And also mistruth travels six times faster than the truth in general.

00:42:38.700 It's the truth that's usually not as interesting.

00:42:41.320 So it's, and people want clicks.

00:42:43.760 So it's just set up to send out the wrong information.

00:42:48.040 Oh yeah.

00:42:48.480 There's no stopping it.

00:42:49.260 So that's just how it is. 0.99

00:42:51.100 Did you, when you have sex, are you a more like the attack dog? 0.99

00:42:54.640 Are you more like in a, do you do it from like more of like a, are you more of like a. 1.00

00:43:01.400 See attack dog.

00:43:02.760 That sounds like I can't even, that sounds like, like trouble.

00:43:06.580 I don't attack anybody.

00:43:08.260 Yeah.

00:43:08.660 No, I'm not saying that.

00:43:09.800 I'm not saying like you were a predator.

00:43:11.340 Sorry.

00:43:12.000 Are you more of like a, like onward?

00:43:15.120 Are you more of, are you playing like a defensive? 1.00

00:43:17.240 Are you more of like a defensive fucker? 1.00

00:43:18.780 You'd think. 1.00

00:43:19.740 Are we talking like during like actual sex or like. 0.91

00:43:22.060 During actual sex, man. 0.58

00:43:23.400 Game on, whistles blown.

00:43:25.520 I got to say, I, I wouldn't say I'm hurting anybody, but I would say like I'm initiate.

00:43:32.000 I'm an initiator.

00:43:32.960 I'm not sitting back.

00:43:34.080 Right.

00:43:34.320 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:43:35.320 Okay.

00:43:35.860 I would think that would be a little effeminate to just kind of lie there and have a woman 1.00

00:43:39.220 sort of. 1.00

00:43:40.300 The worst I think is if you fuck and cross your legs at the same time like that. 1.00

00:43:44.680 How do you do that? 1.00

00:43:45.780 I don't know.

00:43:46.440 There's, I, I've definitely seen images of guys like very passive men, you know, French 1.00

00:43:51.060 men or whatever it is.

00:43:52.400 And they, it just, it seems, that seems very effeminate to me. 0.81

00:43:55.500 Well, in a, in a relationship, you know, if you're having sex, I think there can be, I've

00:43:59.000 definitely had times where it's like phoning, phoning in a little bit.

00:44:01.280 Oh, yeah.

00:44:01.620 And that's a little passive.

00:44:02.360 But that's, you know, it's natural.

00:44:04.840 Are you in a relationship?

00:44:05.520 Do you have a girlfriend right now?

00:44:06.340 No, dude.

00:44:07.020 No, I've been in and out of some dating and it's, all of it has been a nightmare.

00:44:11.060 You know, it's all good.

00:44:11.920 I've been dating a lot.

00:44:12.580 You do, I'm sure you do well.

00:44:15.100 I get like, my DMs are like not all dudes, like 99% just dudes.

00:44:20.140 And I go to shows.

00:44:21.020 My shows are like, which, you know, I'm happy to have people come to my show, but like,

00:44:25.300 it is like all dudes and then like older women. 0.95

00:44:29.540 Really?

00:44:30.400 Like women between 20 and 35, like do not come to my shows. 1.00

00:44:35.860 They don't come.

00:44:37.100 We got to get them out there.

00:44:38.440 I got a tour coming up.

00:44:39.940 And I'll send you the numbers back of the ratios.

00:44:43.680 You know, like YouTube will say like your percentage of watch who watches you.

00:44:46.940 Yeah.

00:44:47.240 And it just says like 99 dudes on my YouTube thing.

00:44:51.800 What, um, you don't, so you don't, well, let's finish.

00:44:55.560 I want to, was Megyn Kelly cool?

00:44:57.120 And where did she tape her show?

00:44:58.380 She does Sirius XM show and it's on YouTube.

00:45:00.820 Oh, cool.

00:45:01.660 And yeah, she was really cool.

00:45:02.760 Nice.

00:45:02.860 I gotta go do it.

00:45:04.640 Yeah.

00:45:05.640 You should do it.

00:45:06.860 She's cool.

00:45:07.860 Yeah.

00:45:08.080 I would like to go.

00:45:10.340 Is she hot in person? 1.00

00:45:11.660 Is she attractive? 1.00

00:45:12.380 Well, I zoomed.

00:45:13.700 You zoomed?

00:45:14.180 But she's attractive. 1.00

00:45:15.140 Yeah.

00:45:15.680 Wow.

00:45:15.940 Does she feel hot? 0.65

00:45:16.560 Did she feel flirty at all or no?

00:45:19.000 She brought her husband up like twice. 0.99

00:45:20.780 I'd say no.

00:45:21.800 Oh, buzz. 0.93

00:45:23.000 It's kill, huh?

00:45:23.800 Yeah.

00:45:24.480 And have they been married a long time, you think?

00:45:26.440 Yeah, I think.

00:45:27.000 Yeah.

00:45:27.680 Wow.

00:45:28.980 Huh.

00:45:29.280 She's not saying.

00:45:29.840 Maybe you're not doing it.

00:45:31.140 No, I would still do it.

00:45:32.900 But did you ever, uh, did you ever have a job as like a lifeguard or something?

00:45:38.060 I could see you doing, like, did you ever try to take a job that would change the way

00:45:42.680 that women looked at you?

00:45:43.620 Like, all right, I'm going to do this.

00:45:44.640 I'm going to do like a, you know, boat captain assistant or I'm going to do like a, um, you

00:45:51.380 know, uh, uh, assistant manager or something.

00:45:55.620 I mean, the theater thing was, was like, initially it was like a lot of girl driven, you know?

00:46:01.660 Oh, cause you're going to go there to find women. 1.00

00:46:03.000 Yeah.

00:46:03.160 They, so they stay up and you dance with them and it's like, you know, it's a good mingle.

00:46:07.920 Yeah.

00:46:08.180 I could see, I guess that's true.

00:46:09.760 And I also, yeah.

00:46:10.740 Getting into like theater.

00:46:12.180 And then also when you're usually like one of the only straight men in the group.

00:46:15.440 Oh, if you can sneak in.

00:46:16.620 Yeah.

00:46:16.740 When I got to New York and I started doing that, it was, uh, yeah.

00:46:21.960 It was slim pickings for the women. 1.00

00:46:23.860 I felt bad for the women. 1.00

00:46:24.660 I was like, this is it, you know?

00:46:26.640 So did you feel more of a confidence then?

00:46:28.940 But the first day you're like, oh my God, a lot of these men are attractive men.

00:46:32.140 But then you start to realize, oh, Reginald's gay. 0.92

00:46:34.760 You know, Alan's gay. 0.95

00:46:36.400 Right, right.

00:46:36.800 You know, and you're like, geez, this is getting better and better. 0.99

00:46:39.060 So suddenly you're damn Rick Fox or whatever. 0.98

00:46:41.900 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:42.020 But I don't have that.

00:46:42.900 I mean, there's no group anymore.

00:46:44.400 There's no, I'm alone.

00:46:46.060 I do my show in my house alone.

00:46:48.420 And I do stand up alone.

00:46:50.840 You run your show, man.

00:46:51.980 Your show is unbelievable, man.

00:46:53.500 Thank you.

00:46:53.840 Everything you do is like another level of creative.

00:46:57.560 It's, um, it's really fascinating to watch you work and to just witness it.

00:47:02.640 Thank you.

00:47:03.200 Um, we had a question that came in actually about, uh, about your show.

00:47:07.140 Let's throw one of these at you here. 0.98

00:47:08.520 Let's see the questions.

00:47:10.300 I had to take this week off.

00:47:11.420 It's to do a live sketch every week, um, with very little help is insane.

00:47:16.680 Okay, here we go.

00:47:18.420 Hey, what's up, Kyle and Theo? 0.96

00:47:20.400 Uh, I was wondering, I mean, I love you guys' shit, doing really, really funny stuff up there. 0.87

00:47:26.760 But I was wondering, Kyle, what is your favorite character to do? 0.97

00:47:30.760 I mean, they're all surprisingly accurate.

00:47:35.520 But, uh, yeah, I was wondering what your preference is.

00:47:39.060 All right.

00:47:39.700 All right.

00:47:40.340 Be good to yourselves.

00:47:41.740 Gang, baby, thank you.

00:47:43.300 I like doing Alec Baldwin right now.

00:47:45.460 Yeah?

00:47:45.960 Alec Baldwin.

00:47:46.540 And, uh, Jeff Goldblum's fun.

00:47:51.640 Um, how do you do one?

00:47:53.440 Teach me how to, can you teach me how to do one or is it?

00:47:55.760 Yeah.

00:47:56.200 Like people talk in a certain range of notes.

00:47:58.940 You kind of have to have a, like a relative pitch, be able to hear notes.

00:48:03.160 Okay.

00:48:03.380 So, I don't know if you have that, but, and they need to kind of like be able to manipulate your, your voice box a little bit.

00:48:09.380 Okay.

00:48:09.620 I think I talked about what a, like a crazy long neck I have.

00:48:12.840 Oh, you do. 0.99

00:48:13.480 Like a freak. 0.79

00:48:14.260 I went, I hurt my neck and I had a dream.

00:48:17.080 I was twisting off this top of a Coke can top and I woke up with my hands around my neck.

00:48:21.900 I was like twisting my neck.

00:48:22.860 Anyway, I went to the doctor and they took an x-ray and he was rubbing his chin, looking at my x-ray.

00:48:29.320 I'm like, I'm dying.

00:48:30.680 You know, the doctor's like, like this. 0.99

00:48:32.980 And then he calls another guy in and I'm like, what the fuck do I have? 0.93

00:48:36.220 And he's like, and I go, what, what's wrong? 0.98

00:48:38.860 What is that?

00:48:39.820 And he goes, you have the neck of a seven foot man.

00:48:44.040 Wow.

00:48:44.620 Yeah.

00:48:45.140 But it, it helps me because I can, I can move my voice box.

00:48:48.020 Like, like, so anyway, like people have different, people usually speak in like a four to five note range.

00:48:53.840 Pretty, you know.

00:48:54.880 Also pretty game.

00:48:56.320 For us, one man to bring another man into the room to look at him, fricking man's neck drawing or something.

00:49:02.820 That's insanely homoerotic, I feel like. 0.93

00:49:05.480 It was very homoerotic.

00:49:06.960 Yeah.

00:49:07.200 It's like, hey, Ron, get in here, man.

00:49:09.520 You know?

00:49:10.060 Yeah.

00:49:10.540 Look what this guy's got here.

00:49:12.020 That almost feels more like invasive.

00:49:14.980 Somebody looking at your x-ray and not asking you anything to show it to somebody else feels very invasive.

00:49:19.080 So much dead silence too.

00:49:20.620 I'll teach you how to do Jeff Goldblum, all right?

00:49:22.020 Okay.

00:49:22.760 Jeff Goldblum has a very large range.

00:49:25.300 Okay.

00:49:25.660 It's kind of unusual.

00:49:26.460 So it's like, you're down here.

00:49:27.920 Yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:49:28.980 And he goes, way up here, like that.

00:49:31.300 So you go, yeah.

00:49:33.040 Like that.

00:49:33.780 Yeah.

00:49:35.680 Dinosaurs.

00:49:36.620 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:49:38.260 Yes, yes, yes.

00:49:40.100 Dinosaurs.

00:49:42.020 Dinosaurs.

00:49:43.440 That's really good.

00:49:44.760 Yeah.

00:49:45.480 Yes, yes, yes.

00:49:46.440 Yes, yes, yes.

00:49:47.440 A bat.

00:49:48.160 A bat.

00:49:49.000 A bat.

00:49:49.700 And then we do a whisper, like a bat, bat, bat, bat, bat.

00:49:51.880 Bat, bat, bat, bat.

00:49:53.160 Uh, Jeff, uh, what's your favorite dinosaur?

00:49:56.600 Oh, well, thank you for asking.

00:50:00.320 I would say, uh, I would say, uh, that's really good.

00:50:08.940 I'm not, I'm not kidding.

00:50:10.260 Thanks, man.

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00:52:19.000 The only one I've ever done has been, yes, has been Morgan Freeman.

00:52:24.740 Oh, yeah, you have his timbre, Morgan Freeman.

00:52:29.840 They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison, but Andy Dufresne

00:52:34.540 did it in less than 20.

00:52:36.420 He crawled through a sludge and blah, blah, blah.

00:52:40.180 And blah, blah, blah.

00:52:41.840 My voice is close to some people.

00:52:44.760 Like, Bill Maher's easy.

00:52:45.780 He's close to me.

00:52:46.720 Okay, people.

00:52:47.960 I'm right in the same range.

00:52:49.720 Yeah.

00:52:50.620 New rule.

00:52:52.140 Yeah, I saw him the other night at a party, and he looked, he's the weirdest looking guy.

00:52:57.580 Dude.

00:52:58.340 Sorry, he's a strange looking man.

00:53:00.980 Some people, he has been bothered by me in just random ways.

00:53:05.860 I hear about, I was in Whole Foods.

00:53:07.360 A lady came up to me, and she goes, I have to tell you, I was a stewardess on a private plane

00:53:11.300 with Bill Maher, and I went up to him, and I said, Kyle Dunning does a really good impression

00:53:14.340 of you, and his face dropped, and he turned away from me, didn't talk to me, and then she

00:53:19.260 was told to go in the back of the plane and not talk to him again.

00:53:22.560 No.

00:53:23.400 Yeah, and he was on Rogan, and he brought me up out of nowhere.

00:53:25.720 He goes, that guy does a terrible, you had some guy on who does a terrible impression of

00:53:28.780 me, and then Joe was like, no, he doesn't, play it, and then Bill goes, if you play that,

00:53:33.480 I'm leaving.

00:53:34.600 Like, he really does not, and then AJ Benza told me. 1.00

00:53:36.860 He's such a pussy. 0.99

00:53:38.120 And you notice, he tries to get a lot more conservative, like low-key, I think he sees 1.00

00:53:42.540 where the audience is at, and so he tries to, you see it over the past year, I feel like.

00:53:47.480 Yeah.

00:53:47.960 You know, but at least he's brave enough to say stuff.

00:53:50.780 That's one thing about him that's definitely a little bit different.

00:53:52.120 I agree with a lot of what he says.

00:53:55.720 Yeah.

00:53:56.360 And I feel like-

00:53:57.760 But he's definitely shifting more.

00:53:59.700 He's definitely shifting more.

00:54:01.160 I think because he sees that there's no end in the other thing.

00:54:04.700 There's no end in, like, this, let's just keep pointing fingers at each other and saying

00:54:09.040 everything is off limits, you know?

00:54:10.920 Yeah.

00:54:11.220 Why does it have to be teams?

00:54:12.640 Can you answer this question for me?

00:54:14.740 Because, like, why does it have to be a Democrat-Republican?

00:54:17.840 Why are there two teams?

00:54:19.320 I'm sure there's a reason that I understand, but can't we just have a guy and then have

00:54:23.620 people that, like, have, you know, issues, issue to issue?

00:54:27.540 I think, well, we used to have that.

00:54:30.180 What's that?

00:54:30.560 What is this?

00:54:30.880 That's what politics, it used to just be like everybody kind of had a guy, but you,

00:54:34.700 kind of supported whoever the president was.

00:54:37.480 And then I think, I don't know what that is that kind of changed.

00:54:40.700 It's really interesting.

00:54:41.840 I don't know.

00:54:42.660 I don't know if it was just so much of, like, the power of social media and the media, like,

00:54:46.600 pitting us against each other with, like, different clips, because that's what really

00:54:49.660 does it.

00:54:50.760 People see a clip and then they, that's, that they latch onto it.

00:54:54.700 But even before the media, there was Democrat-Republicans who were like, you're this or you're

00:54:59.360 that.

00:54:59.680 And then, like, you have pressure to stay with your team.

00:55:02.380 Like, there shouldn't be any of that.

00:55:03.300 It should be just like, also the way we elect the president should be, I would like to change

00:55:10.020 the rules of that.

00:55:11.580 Yeah.

00:55:11.740 Well, I think a lot of it's kind of archaic, you know, it's old news. 0.54

00:55:14.960 They're doing shit like, you know, 13 original colonies kind of stuff. 0.77

00:55:20.020 They need to evolve it a little bit. 0.98

00:55:21.620 We should big brother the presidents.

00:55:24.120 Like, you get people, first you do like a sort of a intelligence test, then you do like

00:55:29.520 a psychology test, then you do, you know, go through, vet them completely, all this stuff.

00:55:33.940 And then you put them all together for like a month and we just watch them survive and

00:55:38.000 go, this guy, brilliant.

00:55:40.580 Yeah.

00:55:40.900 He can handle pressure.

00:55:42.100 That guy.

00:55:43.020 Yeah.

00:55:43.260 That's what we do.

00:55:43.920 Have Julie Chan interview them like once every two weeks. 0.83

00:55:46.760 Yeah.

00:55:47.440 Yeah.

00:55:47.620 Check in.

00:55:48.300 I mean, to be a successful politician, you have to lie. 0.99

00:55:52.220 You have to be a liar. 0.99

00:55:54.360 Right. 0.98

00:55:55.500 Yeah.

00:55:56.100 But you get to know who people are.

00:55:57.520 When you see them for an extended period of time, you start to be like, oh, this guy's

00:56:01.120 like that.

00:56:02.060 This guy's like that.

00:56:04.000 And in tough situations.

00:56:05.660 I mean, same thing with a bachelor.

00:56:06.580 The bachelor should not be them on vacation.

00:56:08.400 It should be them like having to do their taxes or like just them in some, in a closet

00:56:13.220 for a while where they can't shower.

00:56:15.760 Late for a flight or there's only cold water this week.

00:56:18.460 This challenge is you're late for a flight.

00:56:20.420 Yeah.

00:56:20.760 That's really good.

00:56:22.080 There was this, one of those, we almost died shows.

00:56:25.820 You know, I shouldn't be alive.

00:56:28.360 Oh yeah. 1.00

00:56:28.800 But they are pussies. 1.00

00:56:30.420 Yeah. 1.00

00:56:30.920 So they were on the first date, right?

00:56:32.760 Yeah.

00:56:33.100 Which is, you're trying to be cool and whatever.

00:56:35.220 They get off this gondola and they're like, let's explore. 1.00

00:56:37.720 Like fucking idiots the wrong way. 1.00

00:56:39.920 So they get on the wrong side of the mountain. 1.00

00:56:42.180 The gondola leaves without them.

00:56:43.880 They can't find their way back to the gondola.

00:56:45.940 Now they're just like trenching through just vast wilderness.

00:56:49.740 Okay.

00:56:50.120 And who's leading?

00:56:51.100 Does it say a man or woman?

00:56:52.420 It's a man trying to be a man. 0.66

00:56:54.780 Okay.

00:56:55.180 And she's there.

00:56:56.280 And then she says, she wakes up in the morning.

00:56:58.260 She doesn't want her breath to be bad.

00:57:00.000 You know, their, their lives are in danger.

00:57:01.720 But you're still, you're on this date still.

00:57:03.320 Oh, that's true.

00:57:04.260 The date is still going on.

00:57:05.940 Yeah.

00:57:06.080 It's like, maybe we'll get rescued and like, I don't have bad breath and gross smell like 1.00

00:57:09.800 shit. 0.99

00:57:10.400 So now they just like, they, they finally find this like tent. 1.00

00:57:15.080 They run to it.

00:57:15.720 Like tent.

00:57:16.420 Maybe there's a hiker and there's just a skeleton.

00:57:18.700 They're like, like a dead guy.

00:57:21.080 Okay.

00:57:21.360 And he's a experienced climber guy and he's got a journal and the journal is like, there's

00:57:27.140 no way out of this.

00:57:28.220 There's no, I can't get out of this canyon.

00:57:30.740 There's no way out.

00:57:31.740 I've tried, blah, blah, blah.

00:57:32.860 And they're like, this guy couldn't get out of here.

00:57:35.280 We're going to die.

00:57:36.180 And by now they're fighting.

00:57:37.620 They're not even with each other.

00:57:39.100 No.

00:57:39.940 That's how mad they were and annoyed.

00:57:42.960 Cause you need each other to survive.

00:57:44.300 They were like, go over there. 0.99

00:57:45.540 I hate you.

00:57:46.240 And that was a TV show. 0.96

00:57:47.580 This is a real, the show was like documenting.

00:57:50.540 Yeah.

00:57:50.740 It's one of those, like, I shouldn't be alive.

00:57:51.900 So now they're dead and they're just starving.

00:57:54.140 And then this guy gets a brilliant idea.

00:57:56.460 What do you think it is?

00:57:58.480 He saves them.

00:57:59.600 He saves their lives.

00:58:01.460 What does he do?

00:58:02.480 What does he do?

00:58:03.380 It's a man and they're on a mountain.

00:58:05.380 He saves her life.

00:58:06.780 Wow. 1.00

00:58:07.200 She still doesn't fuck him. 1.00

00:58:10.440 Unbelievable. 1.00

00:58:11.020 I don't know. 1.00

00:58:12.100 Your mother fucked your dad, dude, to give you a life. 1.00

00:58:15.280 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:15.440 Somebody saves your life. 1.00

00:58:16.620 They get a fuck. 1.00

00:58:18.240 Something. 1.00

00:58:18.980 What about a hot tub hand job?

00:58:21.220 Yeah.

00:58:21.740 Huh?

00:58:22.140 What about busting out from front of some children?

00:58:26.120 In the only hot tub in Louisiana.

00:58:29.540 Bro, I'm saying this, bro.

00:58:30.880 And this is what I'm saying.

00:58:31.680 What the man does is, I believe that he gets them to sing at the top of their lungs.

00:58:44.040 He gets them to sing at the top of their lungs.

00:58:44.580 Wow.

00:58:45.220 No.

00:58:45.960 No, man.

00:58:47.140 That's not it at all.

00:58:48.460 That's a bad guess, too.

00:58:49.600 That's a waste of energy.

00:58:52.740 You want me to tell you?

00:58:53.860 Yeah.

00:58:54.160 He starts, can you guess from there?

00:59:00.220 Masturbate.

00:59:00.820 Nope.

00:59:02.440 A forest fire. 0.96

00:59:05.780 Fucking brilliant, right? 0.93

00:59:07.220 Legend. 0.99

00:59:08.280 He's like, I'm going to burn it down and just like starts this huge fire.

00:59:13.080 Then people will come.

00:59:13.960 All the vegans come running.

00:59:15.180 Oh, yeah.

00:59:15.920 What's going on?

00:59:17.840 You killed these trees.

00:59:19.460 That's the toughest job, being a firefighter.

00:59:21.740 Like when these fires happen and they have to go in there and then it can blow your direction.

00:59:26.840 You're just engulfed.

00:59:28.100 You're sucking in that soot all day. 1.00

00:59:30.220 Yeah. 1.00

00:59:30.400 You know, they drop those guys out there.

00:59:31.980 Yeah.

00:59:32.580 I have an idea.

00:59:33.600 Like I have a lot of time on my hands.

00:59:35.760 You know, they drop the water, comes out and it kind of just sprays out.

00:59:39.640 Mm-hmm.

00:59:40.500 Put them all in giant water balloons.

00:59:42.620 Then it explodes on the ground.

00:59:44.520 Is that a good idea?

00:59:45.760 I think it's a great idea.

00:59:47.260 Or one giant water balloon and it splashes on the water instead of a mist.

00:59:51.100 Because a mist hits the fire.

00:59:53.800 Yeah.

00:59:54.880 It's interesting, man.

00:59:55.900 It's interesting to know which one would be what.

01:00:00.420 You know?

01:00:01.180 That's real interesting.

01:00:03.120 Brilliant, though, that guy to start a forest fire.

01:00:05.460 Yeah.

01:00:05.860 And simple.

01:00:06.820 And they probably build it for it.

01:00:08.180 The worst part, though, he's probably still paying for it.

01:00:09.880 Yeah, he's still paying for that date.

01:00:10.820 He's in jail.

01:00:11.740 God.

01:00:12.920 Yeah, I guess you got to let him off the hook.

01:00:15.480 Yeah.

01:00:16.100 Yeah.

01:00:17.220 Do you see, we had a question that came in.

01:00:20.100 Let's get back to that question that came in.

01:00:21.100 Back to the questions.

01:00:22.860 Oh, okay.

01:00:23.780 Here's a lady. 1.00

01:00:25.420 Oh, there she is.

01:00:26.260 Beautiful young lady.

01:00:27.320 Mm-hmm.

01:00:28.120 Hi, Kyle.

01:00:28.840 I am one of your biggest fans.

01:00:31.560 I'm seriously obsessed with you.

01:00:33.700 You're amazing.

01:00:34.140 Such a brilliant comedic mind.

01:00:39.540 And that's just the flattery portion.

01:00:43.240 But I do have a question, which is, I'm curious about how you construct your sketches, because

01:00:49.280 they always feel, you know, these like outlandish concepts, but they never feel like too cartoonish.

01:00:56.800 And I don't know how you do that with some of these characters that you create.

01:01:03.640 But I'm curious, because I do feel like you have mastered the sort of language of subtlety

01:01:07.680 in your comedy, as well as being really over the top.

01:01:10.640 And I was curious, like, how do you know when the sketch is complete?

01:01:15.780 Because I feel like there is an art to that.

01:01:18.080 And it seems like you are really good at knowing sort of how long it needs to be and when the

01:01:25.040 joke has sort of run its course.

01:01:28.380 So, yeah.

01:01:29.600 Thank you.

01:01:30.100 There you go. 0.97

01:01:31.060 I mean, is there any way to answer this without sounding like a total douchebag? 0.79

01:01:35.060 I don't know.

01:01:35.480 Like, analyzing your comedy is so hard to win.

01:01:38.820 It is.

01:01:39.500 And we can even take this out if it's not.

01:01:41.600 Oh, no.

01:01:42.280 That's a sweet question.

01:01:43.600 It's a very sweet question.

01:01:44.420 And she seems very sweet.

01:01:46.580 I, yeah.

01:01:50.180 Well, I'll tell you that the one thing I do do, which I don't do do, that I don't think

01:01:54.740 other people can because I shoot so cheaply.

01:01:59.460 Yeah. 0.82

01:01:59.840 Is I will, like, shoot something and have an idea and shoot it, like, raw and, like, bad. 0.98

01:02:04.140 And I'll sleep on it. 0.97

01:02:05.640 And I'll watch it the next day and be like, oh, that's, that doesn't need to be like that.

01:02:10.080 And I have, like, a fresh thought.

01:02:11.460 But I also ask if I'm having trouble with something, this, this helps with a lot of

01:02:17.960 things now is you sort of, like, give it to your subconscious to figure out and go to

01:02:22.860 bed.

01:02:24.120 I think a lot of, you know, because you, you really, your ideas kind of pop into your

01:02:30.240 conscious.

01:02:31.060 Yeah.

01:02:31.320 It does come from your subconscious, you know, your thoughts.

01:02:34.240 Yeah.

01:02:34.620 Your brain's really a great thing.

01:02:36.500 We forget that.

01:02:37.340 Yeah.

01:02:37.740 And just let it run.

01:02:38.800 I think, like, trying to, I don't know, intellectualize things.

01:02:41.220 I don't really get good stuff out of that.

01:02:42.740 It's usually the, not as creative stuff.

01:02:47.680 And then in terms of, I edit way down.

01:02:50.240 I try to take out anything not needed.

01:02:53.480 Sketch takes a lot of time.

01:02:56.620 I get to take a lot of time.

01:02:57.600 Like, something would take me, like, 15 hours or, or when I do the fresh press, I do these,

01:03:02.460 like, eight minute shorts.

01:03:04.280 Those take, like, over 100 hours of.

01:03:06.860 Wow.

01:03:07.180 Editing and whatever.

01:03:08.720 Reworking.

01:03:09.080 And you like to do it all yourself.

01:03:10.800 Well, yeah.

01:03:11.540 I mean, I also write with my friend, John Bush and Kurt Metzger.

01:03:16.940 And, you know.

01:03:20.040 Yeah.

01:03:20.480 We, you know, they're all invaluable.

01:03:23.200 And then this girl, Jessica Montez, does, like, is that kind of producer that.

01:03:26.340 You know, Jessica.

01:03:27.560 So it's, it's really a team effort.

01:03:29.820 And, yeah, I, cracking, like, an impression.

01:03:33.720 I'll, like, take somebody, some, oh, I want to, they're in the news.

01:03:36.900 I'll try to get them.

01:03:37.840 And there's a certain, you know, thing that, that you sort of grab onto.

01:03:45.020 And I can either do it or I can't do it.

01:03:47.180 But I can't do women, too many women. 1.00

01:03:50.360 I just can't get my voice up high enough.

01:03:53.020 You do the Dashians. 1.00

01:03:54.540 Yeah, but it's, like, like, fake.

01:03:56.980 Right.

01:03:57.980 And, yeah, baby.

01:03:58.980 Right.

01:03:59.400 It's, like, yeah, baby.

01:04:00.640 Yeah, baby.

01:04:01.360 Well, he was born biologically, my man, so.

01:04:06.740 True.

01:04:07.220 It's easier to do.

01:04:08.040 He's cheating.

01:04:09.560 Do you, is there a, what's a celeb that you've tried to get that you haven't nailed yet, but you're not going to give up on?

01:04:14.760 Is there one?

01:04:15.440 Hmm.

01:04:21.760 I feel like Jeff Bezos I could do, but I feel like people don't really care enough about him at this point, but at some point, maybe.

01:04:30.400 Yeah, it's hard to know anything.

01:04:31.720 I wouldn't know anything he's said or done enough, you know?

01:04:34.680 Well, it's pushed me to do so many impressions, doing the show every week and the Instagram before that, it pushed me so hard to do impressions, which I'm glad, because, you know, like, stand-up or whatever, you're not, like, pushed to work.

01:04:50.580 I work all the time.

01:04:52.100 Yeah.

01:04:52.400 This is, like, the first few days I took off, because I just was, like, tapped out.

01:04:58.260 But I must love it, because I work.

01:05:00.560 There's some, like, weeks I'll just, I wake up, I work all day and edit and it collabs.

01:05:04.420 I wake up, I work all day at it.

01:05:05.920 That's why I don't have a social life, is, because of that.

01:05:09.660 But, um...

01:05:10.020 Well, you love your work.

01:05:11.060 You chose your work as your, as your, as your, as your, as your partner.

01:05:15.340 Yeah, I know, I, yeah.

01:05:17.240 It's interesting.

01:05:17.880 People kind of don't realize that sometimes.

01:05:19.840 Yeah, it does take up.

01:05:20.980 It is, like, like a relationship almost.

01:05:22.840 But the editing, I could do without so much editing.

01:05:26.000 That takes up most of my days.

01:05:27.640 Yeah.

01:05:28.420 Would it be possible to get some...

01:05:29.920 But it's hard to get somebody to acutely do what you desire and get your real voice really dialed out.

01:05:35.100 That's the problem.

01:05:36.160 I'm so used to doing everything, like myself, that, you know, it's hard for an editor to come in.

01:05:43.040 Working with a guy now who does a good job.

01:05:44.660 Yeah.

01:05:45.880 But it's hard.

01:05:48.240 Do you think...

01:05:49.920 Well, you do a great job, man.

01:05:51.040 It's really unprecedented, the type of stuff you do and how creative it is.

01:05:57.560 Did, and just that you're your own TV show, it's unbelievable, really.

01:06:01.560 I'm watching your stuff and I'm like, this is unbelievable.

01:06:05.000 Because you feel, I feel that you're sitting there doing it.

01:06:08.700 I don't feel that there's, like, a go-between fella, you know, some little henchman or henchwoman or, you know, a pin swimmer that's sitting there, you know, doing the strokes for you.

01:06:18.980 Yeah, I keep going, like, I can, this is my last week.

01:06:21.440 I keep wanting to quit every week and, yeah, there's no, I don't think there's anyone else doing a live sketch show on YouTube.

01:06:28.800 Uh-uh.

01:06:29.560 And your audience has been growing.

01:06:30.880 Yeah, it's been growing.

01:06:32.060 That's been, that kind of keeps me going.

01:06:33.860 That's amazing.

01:06:34.540 The quality is growing.

01:06:34.940 Because if that stopped, I think I would just have to take a...

01:06:37.300 Oh, take your life, Bob. 0.99

01:06:38.840 Mm-hmm.

01:06:39.680 But we were, we have the number one in YouTube magazine, the number one, I'm making this up.

01:06:48.020 In YouTube mag?

01:06:48.680 There's no YouTube mag in there.

01:06:49.800 Well, I got up on YouTube trading cards the other day and I saw...

01:06:52.080 Oh, what?

01:06:52.700 Really?

01:06:53.140 Yeah.

01:06:53.680 There was one of you in there.

01:06:54.640 I think it was, I don't know what it was, one of your characters.

01:06:58.660 I'd like to get YouTube trading cards.

01:07:00.920 We also have, we have the number one and the last placed live sketch show on YouTube.

01:07:05.460 I don't think there's any other ones.

01:07:07.660 I know y'all were runner up a couple times.

01:07:09.720 Mm-hmm.

01:07:10.340 I think it's insane.

01:07:11.420 I mean, when you look at SNL, there's like 30 writers and they work around the clock.

01:07:16.980 And it's because sketch is not, those are the greatest writers, sketch writers in the

01:07:22.360 country.

01:07:22.680 I mean, they scour the country.

01:07:23.920 It's just really hard to write good sketch.

01:07:26.120 Which, I envy like what you've created because you can, you know, have an hour of content

01:07:33.520 and just, you know, hang out with, you know, your buddies and stuff.

01:07:37.640 And then you do, you build a huge audience.

01:07:41.400 Yeah.

01:07:41.920 Well, yeah, it's definitely been interesting.

01:07:43.400 But I think the big thing is just creating something and doing it.

01:07:48.120 That's all it is.

01:07:49.360 And it's like, you can only create, like, I get envious of what you created, man.

01:07:52.380 It's just like, so, because it feels so creative now.

01:07:56.020 Like, even two years ago, I was like, oh, this is so like avant-garde.

01:07:59.300 You were an early, you were an early person that came into Craigslist.

01:08:01.980 Remember what you said, which I always remember because it really was true.

01:08:04.980 You said, who, I don't know who this is for.

01:08:07.660 Yeah.

01:08:08.080 Which it still is kind of like that.

01:08:09.420 Like, it's got like puppets in it.

01:08:11.480 Well, yeah, you had that girl looking at the pickle and the ice cream the other day. 1.00

01:08:15.100 It's like, is this a chill?

01:08:16.200 It's like, it's the perfect show because we're all devolving into children anyway, man.

01:08:22.280 It's like, it's all becoming, we're all stuck on this mountain looking for,

01:08:27.020 to start a forest fire.

01:08:28.660 We're all on a bad date with ourselves, you know?

01:08:31.360 It's like, it's all devolving, it feels like.

01:08:34.120 I just want to keep cranking out the material.

01:08:37.960 And I, I just worry, I worry I'm going to dry up because.

01:08:42.760 Take breaks.

01:08:44.200 Yeah.

01:08:44.460 I got a break this week.

01:08:45.500 Yeah.

01:08:45.680 You have to take breaks.

01:08:46.180 But they, you get punished online for taking breaks.

01:08:48.980 Like I've taken, I took a break like a couple months ago and it's like, I lose 35% of my audience.

01:08:53.900 I take three weeks off, like 35 to like spend time and get that back.

01:08:58.200 But otherwise you die, man.

01:08:59.980 Like I, I've struggled in the past few years of just like, I did two episodes a week for like a year, two years, I think.

01:09:07.120 Yeah.

01:09:07.440 And almost killed myself.

01:09:09.540 Yeah.

01:09:10.540 Yeah.

01:09:10.740 Like I just had no things left to even think or say.

01:09:14.400 Yeah.

01:09:15.960 You had a great thing going.

01:09:17.660 Thanks, Steve.

01:09:18.160 And your shows, your live shows are, are, are killer.

01:09:21.320 Doing, are you still on tour right now?

01:09:23.080 We got a new tour coming up, a couple new legs of it anyway.

01:09:26.320 So now I just do it in little legs, things I can manage, you know, I just need things to be manageable right now.

01:09:31.400 That's the biggest thing.

01:09:32.520 Yeah.

01:09:33.140 Try to find creative guests right now.

01:09:36.840 And then trying to get some help.

01:09:37.940 I'm trying to get some help on the producer front.

01:09:39.420 I need to, you know, it's like, I start to realize I need more help.

01:09:42.460 You know, I need more.

01:09:43.720 Yeah.

01:09:44.260 Delegating is a thing where I'm now, cause I realized I had to delegate and it's hard if you haven't done it before.

01:09:50.100 I'm not good at it yet.

01:09:51.200 I'm trying to get better.

01:09:52.160 Yeah.

01:09:52.440 Um, yeah, we just started kind of looking for some help or trying to figure that out, you know, because yeah, you think you can kind of handle things and then you're like, oh, I really need to get some help.

01:10:03.460 You don't realize when you're about to need to go to the hospital.

01:10:06.260 It's like it sneaks up on you.

01:10:07.840 Yeah.

01:10:08.300 Yeah.

01:10:09.080 Do you have an assistant?

01:10:10.440 Um, I, I just started getting somebody to help me with like kind of day-to-day stuff.

01:10:14.820 That's, that's huge.

01:10:15.980 Like I can't, like I lost like a, uh, some Bitcoin.

01:10:20.480 Oh, and you got to find it.

01:10:21.420 Like that's stressing me out.

01:10:22.860 Like have someone else find that.

01:10:24.060 It'll take you a month.

01:10:24.820 Yeah.

01:10:25.240 And yeah.

01:10:25.600 And then you're trying to guess those 13 keywords.

01:10:28.160 Well, you know, I guess it got stolen.

01:10:29.680 I think it was in cash app and I was sending it to this poker site.

01:10:35.140 Ooh.

01:10:35.800 That's dirty. 0.98

01:10:36.840 I don't play a lot, but anyway, I was sending over Bitcoin and it just fucking disappeared. 0.94

01:10:41.780 And I, I, but they're both like, we don't know.

01:10:44.020 And I'm like, okay, bye.

01:10:45.220 I guess there goes a thousand dollars.

01:10:47.080 Yeah, dude.

01:10:47.680 I was buying some, uh, psychedel, uh, some, uh,

01:10:50.420 microdosing capsules.

01:10:53.480 Cause I was getting off antidepressants and I was buying some of those online and I got

01:10:57.480 scammed out.

01:10:58.360 Oh, really?

01:10:59.580 179.

01:11:00.080 Yeah.

01:11:00.320 Some, some dude took me up in Snohomish or somewhere up in Washington.

01:11:04.480 $179.

01:11:05.440 Yeah.

01:11:06.260 Yeah.

01:11:06.580 You'll recover.

01:11:07.860 Hurt still though.

01:11:08.740 It does hurt.

01:11:09.460 That's like, I don't know.

01:11:10.700 A lot of packs.

01:11:11.360 It stings.

01:11:11.820 Yeah.

01:11:12.000 It just stings when you know somebody's cheating you.

01:11:15.080 Um, have you seen the Alpinist man?

01:11:17.260 The Alpine, uh, Alpinist, Alpinist.

01:11:19.840 Alpinist.

01:11:20.380 No.

01:11:20.820 Climbing movie.

01:11:21.820 No, I'd like that.

01:11:23.120 I like those.

01:11:23.980 Is he, does he do the thing without any ropes?

01:11:25.840 Cause that bothers me.

01:11:27.240 It's so good, man.

01:11:28.220 How, well, how high do you think you could probably climb?

01:11:30.340 Um, I mean, it depends on, on the steepness of the, I couldn't climb anything if it was

01:11:38.440 like straight up.

01:11:38.960 We're talking about like a, what are we talking about here?

01:11:41.440 How high can someone climb?

01:11:42.740 Can you Google that?

01:11:43.620 Oh, you're saying like physically breathe like 25,000 feet.

01:11:47.300 If you had to climb, say somebody right now is like climb boy, climb.

01:11:51.760 How steep is this?

01:11:52.940 What's the mountain?

01:11:53.660 Is it?

01:11:54.040 You know, you're straight up.

01:11:54.820 You're going up a ladder.

01:11:56.580 It's a ladder.

01:11:57.060 Climb up a ladder.

01:11:57.820 Let's just say ladder just to get the idea.

01:11:59.620 Let's see.

01:11:59.840 What is the answer here?

01:12:00.720 How high can I climb?

01:12:04.000 What does that say there?

01:12:05.000 Can you zoom in on it?

01:12:05.700 You start dying at around 20,000 feet.

01:12:08.380 It starts 21,000 feet.

01:12:09.300 It gets really bad.

01:12:09.760 Humans have survived for years at five, nine, five, oh meters.

01:12:12.940 I hate when they do that.

01:12:13.940 Okay.

01:12:14.180 Times that times three.

01:12:15.400 Okay.

01:12:15.580 We're talking to like 18,000 feet.

01:12:18.540 Yeah.

01:12:19.860 Which is the highest reported permanently tolerable altitude.

01:12:22.340 So how high do you think you could climb?

01:12:24.020 This is eight feet.

01:12:24.800 It's about living there.

01:12:26.380 Like how long I could climb up there and breathe for a little while.

01:12:29.580 But at what point when you're climbing, do you start to have that moment where you look down and your body stops climbing?

01:12:37.220 That's what I want to know.

01:12:38.220 This is the variables involved in your scenario are, there's a huge gap.

01:12:44.300 I mean, there's so many variables that I need answers to.

01:12:46.700 I got this one then.

01:12:47.900 How high do you think you could climb?

01:12:49.780 Right?

01:12:50.740 This is a good one.

01:12:51.960 Okay.

01:12:54.200 Actually, let's finish this and then I got a good one.

01:12:56.280 Okay.

01:12:57.360 Or I'll just, do you think you could climb?

01:12:59.840 Say you had a jingle bell, right?

01:13:02.180 Hanging from a little rope off your chin.

01:13:04.600 Okay.

01:13:04.920 How high do you think you could climb without it ringing at all?

01:13:13.240 Like, okay.

01:13:14.040 Is it really tied tight?

01:13:15.820 Is it swinging?

01:13:17.100 Is it breezy out?

01:13:18.460 It's not breezy.

01:13:19.360 There's no wind.

01:13:20.540 Zero wind.

01:13:21.320 There's a, I would say there is three quarters of an inch of thread.

01:13:26.640 Okay.

01:13:27.000 Is it a rocky terrain?

01:13:29.280 No, you're just on a ladder.

01:13:30.940 A ladder.

01:13:31.600 You're a steel ladder.

01:13:35.800 I don't know.

01:13:36.400 I would say maybe like a mile.

01:13:37.900 I could probably get a mile up.

01:13:39.480 Without making it ring?

01:13:41.180 No, dude.

01:13:42.160 I don't think it would ring.

01:13:43.540 Wow, man.

01:13:44.580 That's awesome.

01:13:44.700 What were you thinking?

01:13:45.340 Thanks, dude.

01:13:45.940 What were you thinking?

01:13:46.740 I thought 20 feet.

01:13:48.880 No.

01:13:49.720 You know how slow you would have to go to not get the thing to make?

01:13:53.620 You don't got to go slow.

01:13:54.720 You got to go smooth.

01:13:56.940 That's what you're getting wrong.

01:13:58.300 One jingle, dude.

01:13:59.220 One thought of Christmas.

01:14:00.200 Look how fast.

01:14:00.700 I'm not even moving my head.

01:14:03.140 You just got to move your limbs quickly.

01:14:05.980 Would you be scared you would hit your head on one of the rungs and that would ring it?

01:14:09.700 Would you climb with your face out to the side?

01:14:11.440 I would probably bring it back a little up, tuck the chin.

01:14:15.020 I got a thing that would really blow your mind.

01:14:18.600 I'd put the bell in my mouth.

01:14:20.440 If it's like dangling a couple inches, I'm going all the way.

01:14:25.760 But then you have one little breathing mishap or this or that and you're running that risk.

01:14:30.260 You're a whistle.

01:14:30.900 Yeah.

01:14:31.780 I used to boulder climb, which I would like to get back to.

01:14:34.680 You ever do that?

01:14:35.580 No, but you should get out there.

01:14:36.600 I could see a lot of women being out there for you. 1.00

01:14:38.660 I don't talk to people in public.

01:14:40.580 Anyone who shows I leave right after.

01:14:42.200 I just feel like-

01:14:42.680 Really?

01:14:43.160 I just feel really uncomfortable just going up to a stranger.

01:14:45.500 It's just weird to go up to a stranger.

01:14:47.220 It's weird.

01:14:47.880 But that's all getting married is, is just going up to a stranger.

01:14:50.280 That's why I'm not married.

01:14:51.180 I don't be-

01:14:51.680 That you've known for a while.

01:14:52.960 Well, no.

01:14:53.580 I think the best way is you're working with a person.

01:14:55.520 So we're not in an office.

01:14:57.560 You and Jane work on that rapport and then you work on the rapport and you're like,

01:15:01.460 oh, this rapport.

01:15:02.180 Then you rag on the boss and you guys laugh and you rag on the other guy in the office.

01:15:05.880 Then you hook up one night and you've known each other for six months and that's good.

01:15:10.100 Then you get married.

01:15:11.480 Yeah.

01:15:11.760 Not this nonsense we do.

01:15:14.600 And then also they've seen you perform.

01:15:16.080 That's a weird-

01:15:17.160 Yeah.

01:15:18.440 I don't know.

01:15:19.440 Have you ever sent like a DM to a celebrity or just to a woman?

01:15:24.040 I've DMed.

01:15:24.880 I've DMed.

01:15:25.960 But I don't think out of the blue, like, hey, I saw your pictures.

01:15:30.480 I've never done that.

01:15:31.460 Yeah.

01:15:32.760 I've done like, hey, I saw you somewhere.

01:15:35.620 Like as a lie, you'll say that?

01:15:37.020 No.

01:15:37.520 Then I really did see them somewhere.

01:15:38.780 Oh, okay.

01:15:39.060 Yeah.

01:15:39.280 But they didn't write back.

01:15:40.300 Oh, maybe I didn't see it.

01:15:42.640 I saw it.

01:15:43.580 You're a catch, dude.

01:15:44.680 You got all, you got everything going for you.

01:15:47.300 I really think that.

01:15:48.780 Well, that's nice of you, man.

01:15:49.860 I think you do anything you want. 1.00

01:15:50.860 Too bad one of us isn't a fucking woman, dude. 1.00

01:15:52.400 Dude, we'd be fucking, dude. 1.00

01:15:53.960 Are you kidding me? 0.99

01:15:55.620 Dude.

01:15:56.700 We'd be in a relationship. 1.00

01:15:57.940 We'd be fucking right here, dog. 1.00

01:16:01.300 You'd meet my mom, dude. 0.99

01:16:03.780 Yeah, dude.

01:16:04.700 She'd tie little strings around me and keep me in a room like this. 1.00

01:16:07.520 Dude, my mom would love you. 0.89

01:16:10.200 Dude, I get so worried about just where the world's heading.

01:16:13.000 Are you worried about it?

01:16:16.340 Yes and no.

01:16:17.120 I feel like I've had such a good run.

01:16:18.940 I'm kind of like, okay.

01:16:20.800 Do you know what I mean?

01:16:21.680 Right.

01:16:21.980 But I'm talking about the next gin, next two gins.

01:16:24.340 Yeah.

01:16:24.580 Like I feel bad, but I kind of don't care about, I kind of don't care.

01:16:28.800 I probably, if I thought about it, I wouldn't care, but I don't think about it at all.

01:16:32.280 I mean, it's funny how the news puts something in front of you to care about.

01:16:35.260 Every night there's a billion children that go to, a billion people go to bed hungry.

01:16:40.340 Yeah.

01:16:40.680 You know, but then we decide like this is a march for this or this now the Ukraine thing.

01:16:44.900 All very important stuff, but it's like there's always, there's never a march for starving children.

01:16:49.980 There's never, there's always some horrible things happening.

01:16:52.960 It kind of numbs you out.

01:16:53.920 Like what are we doing?

01:16:54.940 What is CNN telling me I need to be worried about today?

01:16:57.540 Because there's horror everywhere, which is the horror we're going to focus on now.

01:17:02.080 It was like, you know, Black Lives Matter for a while.

01:17:04.340 Then it went to COVID.

01:17:05.680 Now it's on Ukraine.

01:17:06.620 It's like, okay, there's going to be a next thing.

01:17:08.740 People are getting burnt out of it, I think.

01:17:10.560 Do you think that?

01:17:11.220 Ukraine or COVID?

01:17:12.360 COVID for sure.

01:17:12.500 All of the whole thing.

01:17:13.520 Like, hey, this news fear, the value of getting all this information is, we don't care.

01:17:22.240 We don't care.

01:17:23.140 Yeah, totally.

01:17:23.400 We don't care.

01:17:24.420 But at the same time, we are addicted to it.

01:17:26.860 I know.

01:17:27.240 So that's the tough part.

01:17:28.680 Well, that's the thing where people, you get on a team, you feel like it's probably

01:17:31.120 your identity.

01:17:31.940 You're like, you know, I'm part of this cause, which is good.

01:17:35.740 You know, it's all like good stuff to help problems.

01:17:39.000 But shouldn't like the number one cause every day be like, there's starving children dying.

01:17:43.640 Like that should be our number one top story.

01:17:45.400 Then we'll go, okay, this other thing.

01:17:46.840 But we're, you know, that's not how it is.

01:17:48.700 Yeah.

01:17:49.260 Okay.

01:17:50.340 And I wonder, like, people don't even care about things like Santa that much or anything.

01:17:53.760 No one cares about Santa anymore.

01:17:54.960 Isn't that crazy?

01:17:55.460 He talks about him.

01:17:56.560 Isn't that crazy?

01:17:57.080 Yeah.

01:17:57.540 Like he's mad.

01:17:58.820 Santa was the thing.

01:17:59.420 Comes and gets everyone's presence.

01:18:00.860 Yeah.

01:18:01.860 Are you worried about the future?

01:18:03.240 Yes.

01:18:03.580 I would assume since you asked that question, you're worried about it.

01:18:05.880 Yeah.

01:18:06.600 I guess I am.

01:18:07.660 I'm just worried about, it used to feel really neat to be human.

01:18:11.440 And I don't know if we as a society value it enough more than the people in, or the people

01:18:23.340 in control value it enough as much as they value like power and money.

01:18:27.300 Well.

01:18:27.680 And so they're willing to sacrifice everything.

01:18:30.580 They're willing to let it really whittle away.

01:18:34.320 You know, I think the underlying problem to all that is, is we don't face death.

01:18:41.440 It doesn't, it sounds incongruous.

01:18:44.080 It doesn't seem like that tracks, but the fact that we are the first species where we

01:18:52.140 know we're going to die.

01:18:54.020 Like, of course you have to put that species on medication.

01:18:56.440 Like if you just went to another planet, like here's a species that just found out.

01:19:00.060 They'd have to be very religious and it's just too psychologically upsetting.

01:19:04.740 And then you, you have this energy, you're pushing that down.

01:19:08.280 You got to focus it on something else like we do.

01:19:11.420 Cultures like ours that idolize celebrity are generally the most unhappy, you know, and

01:19:18.040 it's generally the most, they most push away death.

01:19:20.420 I mean, those two things are equally correlated.

01:19:22.040 There's other cultures that they bring the dead out and then it's a whole thing for a long

01:19:26.260 time.

01:19:26.560 Yeah.

01:19:26.780 And they're, they're less stressed out in general and they don't like understand, you

01:19:32.380 know, celebrity as much or revere it.

01:19:34.300 It's kind of like an immortal thing.

01:19:35.840 When you think about celebrity, it's, it's like this way of like, see, we live forever.

01:19:41.220 Everything's so incredibly temporary.

01:19:42.840 Yeah.

01:19:44.000 Yeah.

01:19:44.400 We don't really, we don't really tap into the reality of it.

01:19:48.020 We create this kind of pseudo reality that of life through celebrity or like of longevity

01:19:56.000 through celebrity.

01:19:56.940 Is that what you're saying?

01:19:57.680 Yeah.

01:19:57.820 And I, I, I'm kind of torn because it's also like, yeah, we should distract ourselves.

01:20:02.060 It's such a, I, I, I don't know.

01:20:04.600 I go back and forth.

01:20:05.440 Yeah.

01:20:05.640 It's really, you're on a roller coaster and then you're like told, oh, the end is a brick

01:20:09.420 wall and you don't know when it's going to come and have, and enjoy yourself.

01:20:13.560 Yeah.

01:20:13.820 That's like, that's like kind of what we're having to deal with.

01:20:16.100 And so we're on pills.

01:20:17.820 Yeah.

01:20:18.940 And watch, do you think that, oh, I was going to ask you this.

01:20:25.440 Oh, this is what I thought about aliens visiting the planet.

01:20:27.760 Oh, right.

01:20:28.380 Right.

01:20:28.820 I thought that aliens just come by.

01:20:31.660 It's almost like when your mom's like, I'm going to take you to the, I'm going to take

01:20:35.900 you to the, the local zoo or whatever.

01:20:39.420 You know?

01:20:40.180 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:40.420 And alien kids are like, fuck mom, I don't want to go to that dump. 1.00

01:20:43.620 You know? 1.00

01:20:43.840 And it's like some, sometimes there's still people going over to see earth. 0.86

01:20:47.580 It's like, they're so advanced, but every now and then like some shitty family brings 0.52

01:20:52.820 their kids over like, well, look every, you know, Mars is full. 0.85

01:20:56.360 You know, they got a line over at Neptune.

01:20:58.220 I, you know, dad couldn't get tickets to Saturn.

01:21:00.080 So we're going to run them over here.

01:21:01.660 Oh, earth's way better than those.

01:21:03.280 Right.

01:21:03.600 I agree.

01:21:04.300 But I think in, in, in, in alien world, they don't think that.

01:21:08.040 Right.

01:21:08.360 They want to go to. 1.00

01:21:09.100 So they're like, oh, fuck mom. 0.99

01:21:10.980 We got to go all the way over to earth and we drive all the way there. 0.99

01:21:14.200 And then the parents are like, or fly, you know, when they're in their flying drive, you

01:21:18.020 know, driver. 1.00

01:21:18.840 And then they get there and they're like, oh, fuck mom. 1.00

01:21:20.920 This place sucks. 1.00

01:21:22.000 You know? 0.99

01:21:22.220 So they don't even land anymore.

01:21:24.420 They don't even bother to land.

01:21:25.080 Okay.

01:21:25.340 They don't even land anymore. 1.00

01:21:26.780 They're just like, oh, fuck this guy over here. 1.00

01:21:28.820 This guy's over here jerking off and tasting it at the park. 1.00

01:21:32.180 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:32.280 Yeah.

01:21:32.620 This guy doesn't, you know, this guy hates Santa.

01:21:35.060 Like it's all like this guy over here is uncle Albert. 1.00

01:21:37.520 Like mom, this place is a fucking dump. 1.00

01:21:41.000 You know, we've got to get the F out of here, mom. 1.00

01:21:44.420 I've seen those.

01:21:45.100 All right, we'll leave. 1.00

01:21:46.240 Let me at least burn this lady's womb over here just to fucking let them know we were 1.00

01:21:50.160 here. 1.00

01:21:50.940 And then they send out one little torch flame and they jet.

01:21:54.320 I've seen the Tic Tac videos and the, and I don't know what it is.

01:21:58.580 And I definitely know I don't have all the answers.

01:22:01.440 Here's what I think it is.

01:22:02.740 Okay.

01:22:02.960 I think it's a multi-dimensional thing.

01:22:05.480 Things popping in.

01:22:06.780 It's my guess.

01:22:08.240 Not like people visiting because it's just so far away.

01:22:11.140 Right.

01:22:11.720 And then not to contact.

01:22:13.220 It seems like more of like an anomaly because, you know,

01:22:16.240 there's a lot of evidence that there's like a multi-dimensions, right?

01:22:21.900 Like they don't know where gravity, there's a lot of gravity missing that

01:22:24.520 they're like, maybe that's folded in a dimension or something.

01:22:27.020 Yeah.

01:22:27.280 I don't know anything about this, but I'm just going to believe that.

01:22:31.660 No, man.

01:22:31.920 Look, I think you're really, really smart, man.

01:22:35.900 Lucius B.

01:22:36.440 The other ones were aliens trying to reach earth.

01:22:39.180 Scientists make message to send earth's location to aliens,

01:22:42.400 ignoring Stephen Hawking's warning.

01:22:44.620 Okay.

01:22:44.940 Let's zoom in on that, on the, uh, font.

01:22:48.020 Yeah.

01:22:48.140 There's that tic-tac video.

01:22:49.480 That's crazy.

01:22:51.040 I, I saw when I was a kid, uh, a UFO, um, just like that way high in there to

01:22:56.600 like tic-tac-y things that were making no noise and they were engaged.

01:23:00.600 I don't know what it was.

01:23:01.540 It was look, it was that kind of thing probably, but I don't know what it is,

01:23:04.460 but I wouldn't say, I don't, I just, I don't know.

01:23:08.180 And this hearsay, science have designed a radio message to be beamed in a deep space

01:23:12.960 that reveals earth's location.

01:23:15.960 Ah, yeah, that might be a bad idea.

01:23:18.220 Yeah.

01:23:18.700 And that's, yeah.

01:23:19.540 What do we need that for?

01:23:19.980 And somebody's going to sponsor it or something too.

01:23:22.180 It'll be like, oh, this is brought to you by Wiener schnitzel, you know?

01:23:25.460 Yeah.

01:23:25.700 Yeah, this is horrible. 1.00

01:23:27.780 Somebody's going to hear it and be like, fuck, Wiener schnitzel. 1.00

01:23:29.860 We sent out that one thing, remember a year? 0.99

01:23:32.180 I think it's on Voyager 1.

01:23:33.460 Yeah, we sent that record, that gold record.

01:23:35.420 Remember that?

01:23:35.820 And it's got, it's embarrassing now. 0.99

01:23:37.460 Like the, the shit we sent out was not good. 1.00

01:23:39.760 It's horrible. 1.00

01:23:40.500 Like bad music. 1.00

01:23:41.480 Every five years they send this shit out. 1.00

01:23:43.360 It's bad. 1.00

01:23:43.700 Yeah.

01:23:43.840 That had Nelly on it. 0.99

01:23:45.200 It had Nelly on it.

01:23:46.480 I think Chingy was on it.

01:23:48.080 Every five years they send out something horrible.

01:23:50.360 Yeah.

01:23:50.700 It was like the Dukes of Hazzard show or something.

01:23:52.980 Just some noodle boys. 1.00

01:23:53.780 Yeah, it was a couple of early episodes of Just the Ten of Us.

01:23:57.240 No, it was, no, it was Small Wonder.

01:23:59.400 That girl was like a robot they sent out. 1.00

01:24:01.340 I was like, here's the TV shows we do.

01:24:04.020 Dude, Melissa Joan Hart came to one of my shows. 0.95

01:24:06.580 Dude, I met her once. 0.98

01:24:08.380 What was she? 0.85

01:24:09.000 I think I got to meet her afterwards.

01:24:10.640 I don't remember outside, but she seemed really sweet.

01:24:13.860 I met Paris Jackson last night.

01:24:16.980 She was really nice.

01:24:17.940 Dude, I met her.

01:24:19.340 She's so sweet.

01:24:20.400 Yeah.

01:24:22.620 Yeah.

01:24:22.980 Yeah.

01:24:23.380 Melissa Joan Hart.

01:24:24.500 You a big fan of the witch movie?

01:24:26.600 I mean, I just remember, I was just, it was just neat that she came, you know, that she

01:24:30.960 came out.

01:24:31.360 She's a fan, big fan.

01:24:32.720 Yeah, she loves a lot of comedy. 0.50

01:24:34.660 And she came out, man.

01:24:35.940 She came out, it was in Nashville.

01:24:38.780 She lives in a hometown that I grew up in.

01:24:40.740 And I go, oh, I love that Sherwood Diner.

01:24:42.720 And she said, I got food poisoning there and barfed in their bathroom.

01:24:46.720 Oh, yeah.

01:24:47.160 Dude, I remember, oh, let's bring up that alien article real quick.

01:24:55.780 I want to go through that deal.

01:24:58.380 All righty then.

01:24:59.760 UFOs left radiation burns and unaccounted for pregnancies.

01:25:04.100 That is what, this is what I heard recently.

01:25:05.920 Now, this seems dumb because can't you just like do the DNA test and know it's not human?

01:25:11.660 I don't understand this. 0.93

01:25:13.080 Encounters with UFOs have reportedly left Americans suffering from radiation burns, brain and nervous

01:25:19.180 system damage, and even unaccounted for pregnancy.

01:25:22.960 That's the part that some chicks are just tacking on just to get out of, I think, probably interracial 1.00

01:25:28.800 relationships and shit. 0.99

01:25:31.600 It just seems like a very easy thing to figure out. 0.99

01:25:35.160 And if you're telling your dad, if you don't want to.

01:25:37.020 23andMe.

01:25:37.540 Yeah.

01:25:38.420 Figure that out.

01:25:39.040 Yeah, if you get 23andMe back and it has like a, you know.

01:25:42.860 Yeah, like Sector 5.

01:25:46.760 Zuckerberg 1.

01:25:48.380 I'm 8% Zuckerberg 1.

01:25:50.740 The database includes more than 1,500 pages of UFO-related material.

01:25:54.600 I am.

01:25:55.940 Do you believe they ever found something and hid it?

01:25:58.040 I'm just going to ask you point blank.

01:25:59.380 I don't want to beat around the bush anymore.

01:26:00.960 All right.

01:26:01.940 No, I don't.

01:26:02.820 I think they found some military like advanced stuff.

01:26:06.560 But I don't know.

01:26:07.240 I would say, this is a guess.

01:26:09.060 I don't know.

01:26:10.060 I just don't think it's likely that a spacecraft made of material flew, you know, at least

01:26:18.700 four and a half light years, closest solar system, which we're not getting any radio signals

01:26:24.640 from that.

01:26:25.180 We're not getting any radio signals from anything in our view.

01:26:28.920 Okay, so it has to travel hundreds of light years, which, I mean, you take, you shoot

01:26:34.960 a light at the, or a laser at the moon.

01:26:37.740 It takes like a second to get, a second and a half to get there.

01:26:41.260 Right.

01:26:41.640 It took us, I don't know, like a week to get there going 18,000 miles an hour.

01:26:45.640 Yeah.

01:26:46.000 Now, for a hundred years, go that fast.

01:26:50.800 And then you finally get to, and you can't even go that fast because your mass will be

01:26:53.820 infinite.

01:26:54.440 So you have to go close to it.

01:26:56.600 That's why I think it's jumping through wormholes or something else.

01:27:00.040 Right.

01:27:00.320 Okay.

01:27:00.860 So you're saying there's some.

01:27:02.400 The distance.

01:27:03.280 If you really get a.

01:27:04.140 There's some tectonics in this going on.

01:27:06.580 Exactly.

01:27:07.160 There's some interstellar tectonics.

01:27:08.740 Interstellar tectonics.

01:27:09.700 You're a smart guy, man.

01:27:12.160 I wonder if we covered everything.

01:27:13.480 Was there any other good question that came in for Kyle?

01:27:16.140 Any other real ripper you wanted to get to?

01:27:19.100 Okay.

01:27:19.760 I'll answer any question.

01:27:22.080 Pull up one more for him, huh?

01:27:24.160 Let's get one more.

01:27:25.800 Oh, this guy's got good hair game.

01:27:28.420 Yeah.

01:27:28.740 Here we go.

01:27:30.040 Yo, Theo, gang, gang.

01:27:32.880 Yo.

01:27:33.320 Baby, thanks for the message.

01:27:34.660 Wanted to ask your guest, if the election were today, would you vote for Trump, considering that he's talking about running again?

01:27:49.920 Or Biden, if he were to actually survive this presidency?

01:28:00.620 Or do you have someone else that you would rather lampoon?

01:28:08.400 Yeah, that's my question.

01:28:10.980 Gang, gang.

01:28:12.340 Gang, gang, man.

01:28:13.620 Could you imagine if Trump and Biden went head to head again?

01:28:17.540 Could you even, what it would even be like at that point?

01:28:21.180 It's all turning into a strange show.

01:28:24.020 Yeah.

01:28:24.660 Right?

01:28:25.160 It's a very real question.

01:28:26.220 Will he live?

01:28:27.060 I mean, I've never been more concerned about the health of a president.

01:28:30.300 Unbelievable.

01:28:31.220 He doesn't even seem like a well grandfather.

01:28:34.260 Yeah.

01:28:35.040 He'd be worried about grandpa.

01:28:37.600 Like, I've had grandfathers that seem kind of well, you know?

01:28:39.880 Like, he doesn't seem that like that right now.

01:28:42.140 Yeah.

01:28:42.980 Biden does not seem well.

01:28:44.160 So if, but what are they going to do?

01:28:47.720 Not have him run again?

01:28:48.880 That's what they would do, probably.

01:28:50.320 And then-

01:28:50.640 I've never heard a president make this sound.

01:28:55.180 During a speech.

01:28:56.980 What if Biden dies off?

01:28:58.280 Will you have a funeral for the character?

01:29:00.060 What will you do?

01:29:01.040 Maybe I'll do ghost Biden.

01:29:02.580 I don't know.

01:29:02.940 I just pulled that out.

01:29:04.960 I like it.

01:29:05.880 I don't know.

01:29:06.440 How do you do Biden? 0.88

01:29:07.280 Can you shoot me real fast? 0.98

01:29:08.320 Come on, man. 0.99

01:29:09.200 It's like, hey, he's got a few.

01:29:10.440 He's got like a low thing here.

01:29:11.720 And he's like, come on, man.

01:29:12.540 Do it.

01:29:14.400 Come on, man.

01:29:15.140 Come on, man.

01:29:16.320 Come on, man.

01:29:17.340 Look, look, look.

01:29:18.400 Look, look, look.

01:29:19.140 He's trying to get a guy.

01:29:20.820 Not, not, not, not the thing.

01:29:22.360 The thing, man.

01:29:23.320 Come on.

01:29:23.980 Come on.

01:29:24.320 The guy.

01:29:25.200 Come on.

01:29:26.220 Come on, guy.

01:29:27.180 The thing.

01:29:28.780 Hey.

01:29:30.100 The guy without the shirt.

01:29:31.620 He's got it.

01:29:32.580 Without the shirt.

01:29:33.020 He's a bad dude, man. 0.80

01:29:34.360 He's a bad dude. 0.99

01:29:35.740 He's a bad dude, man. 1.00

01:29:37.420 He's bad.

01:29:37.520 Maybe the audience can guess whether I'm doing, I'm going, or you're going.

01:29:40.620 Okay.

01:29:40.780 Don't tell them.

01:29:41.460 All right.

01:29:42.120 Come on, man.

01:29:42.760 He's a bad dude.

01:29:46.420 Come on, man. 0.93

01:29:47.320 He's a bad dude.

01:29:49.280 Is this on, maybe not underneath the video they could write.

01:29:52.920 Okay.

01:29:53.320 All right.

01:29:53.620 Let's try it one more time.

01:29:54.560 All right.

01:29:55.200 Yeah.

01:29:55.880 Okay.

01:29:57.420 Hey, what are you doing over there, guys?

01:29:59.560 Come on, man. 0.99

01:30:02.780 The Jew, not, not, not, not the Jew crane. 0.97

01:30:05.720 The other thing, man. 0.98

01:30:09.020 Okay.

01:30:09.200 Put your comments below.

01:30:11.280 Yeah.

01:30:11.680 What do you think?

01:30:12.300 Who was who?

01:30:13.420 Don't cheat.

01:30:14.860 Covered a screen from the beginning.

01:30:16.520 Now we're telling them all the rules in the post.

01:30:18.760 Yeah.

01:30:19.580 That'll be cut out of the show.

01:30:21.040 We'll cut that.

01:30:21.700 Kyle Dunnigan, man.

01:30:22.680 One of the most entertaining minds in the world.

01:30:25.400 And this guy's on the wife hunt, too. 1.00

01:30:27.080 I want to put it out there for you.

01:30:28.620 I don't think.

01:30:28.880 I think it's done.

01:30:30.020 Like, I can't imagine.

01:30:31.640 I don't know.

01:30:32.060 You don't want a family?

01:30:32.640 Who can, no, I do, but I don't know how, like, I'm not social.

01:30:36.120 I don't know how this would even, you know, you see a movie, like, you're in the store

01:30:40.740 and you bump into someone and then your cottage cheese falls and you start giggling and picking

01:30:44.640 it up and you're like, what's your name?

01:30:46.120 Like, that's, I think that could maybe happen.

01:30:47.760 It seems like a long shot.

01:30:49.000 Do you eat cottage cheese?

01:30:50.300 No.

01:30:51.100 But I also think I'm probably a, I must be an odd person today.

01:30:55.480 It must be odd.

01:30:56.920 No.

01:30:57.740 I'm sure you're good.

01:30:58.740 Just putting on wigs all day?

01:30:59.880 I bet some woman is going to absolutely love it. 0.99

01:31:03.360 If someone's into that, okay.

01:31:05.000 Do you, would you, do you do like a horseback riding?

01:31:10.020 Do you do a good date?

01:31:11.040 What do you do?

01:31:11.660 Do you do?

01:31:12.140 Yeah, no, I go all out.

01:31:13.400 I think I do.

01:31:14.300 I think I am a good date.

01:31:15.640 You know, I listen and I like to plan some.

01:31:18.640 I'll pay.

01:31:19.320 You know, that's a plus right there when a guy pays.

01:31:22.020 It's huge.

01:31:23.580 But I've had some very weird days.

01:31:24.800 I was on a date with a girl and we're at this restaurant.

01:31:26.720 She's on her phone the whole time.

01:31:27.740 I took a picture of her on her phone and I texted it to her.

01:31:30.820 I thought that'd be funny.

01:31:31.560 You know, you get a text of yourself on the phone and then you'd go like, oh, sorry.

01:31:35.800 But she goes, oh, I do look cute.

01:31:37.520 She thought I was saying like, you're cute.

01:31:38.980 And I was like, I got here.

01:31:40.740 Wow.

01:31:42.040 I had another, anyway, I'm going to.

01:31:43.960 Yeah.

01:31:45.260 It's fun.

01:31:45.840 I went on to, yeah, it's, it's tough, man.

01:31:48.280 It's tough figuring out what to do with your, it's tough figuring out.

01:31:55.000 As you get older too, it gets a little bit tougher too.

01:31:58.220 It does.

01:31:58.440 Because you get set in your ways.

01:31:59.720 Exactly.

01:32:00.320 I've not lived with someone in a long time, but I can't complain.

01:32:04.740 Everything is good.

01:32:05.540 And I also, sometimes I'm like, boy, I'm glad there isn't like screaming children here right

01:32:09.940 now. 0.98

01:32:10.260 A lot of times I'd see my, my friends sometimes are like, dude, you're so ugly. 1.00

01:32:13.560 Change that shitty diaper. 1.00

01:32:15.280 What do you mean? 1.00

01:32:17.160 Was that fighting?

01:32:18.340 Yeah.

01:32:19.000 Nice dude.

01:32:19.660 Nice dude.

01:32:20.740 Nice dude.

01:32:22.120 Thanks, man.

01:32:22.860 So, well, Kyle Dunning, you guys can check out his show.

01:32:27.660 It comes out when it wants to come out, but it's got a great channel on YouTube.

01:32:33.340 Also, I'm doing a tour right now.

01:32:35.140 So if people want to go to tour, if you're at kyledunning.com, you can come see me.

01:32:38.900 I'm on the West Coast, Tempe, Arizona too.

01:32:41.300 Ooh, beautiful.

01:32:42.720 We'll put that in.

01:32:43.600 I have a lot of friends that have gone to see you and enjoyed it.

01:32:45.780 I love it.

01:32:46.560 Getting back out there.

01:32:48.220 What's your show like?

01:32:49.360 Is it just stand up?

01:32:50.480 It's all over the place.

01:32:51.080 No, like I'll play the piano.

01:32:52.720 I do like, I actually project onto the screen the impressions and stuff.

01:32:58.480 Yeah.

01:32:58.720 I'm trying to bring a bunch of different stuff to it.

01:33:01.380 So it's a real full throttle, huh?

01:33:02.680 Yeah.

01:33:02.920 Kind of the show I do on YouTube kind of started to do that because that's what people want

01:33:06.620 to see.

01:33:07.060 Usually they come to see me now.

01:33:08.480 We'll want to see impressions.

01:33:10.800 And what about Curp?

01:33:11.580 Is he out there?

01:33:12.760 Curp does stand up.

01:33:14.340 Yeah.

01:33:14.520 He's out and about.

01:33:15.700 Any other characters can hit the road with you?

01:33:18.240 I'll zoom Jessica and Curp in and John in.

01:33:22.740 Beautiful.

01:33:23.260 It's great.

01:33:24.580 Kyle Dunnegan, man.

01:33:25.840 Dude, you're so good to get to spend time with you, man.

01:33:28.200 And thank you so much for making me laugh, especially through all the freaking the weird

01:33:32.340 world as we wait for aliens to come and pick us up.

01:33:34.580 You too.

01:33:35.140 You too.

01:33:36.520 How great that we can hang out and laugh.

01:33:38.440 I don't know how I got into this business or whatever.

01:33:40.640 I don't remember deciding to do it, but I'm so psyched.

01:33:43.780 I'd be so bad in an office.

01:33:45.820 Would you?

01:33:46.300 I did it for years and I got fired.

01:33:48.920 I got fired all the time.

01:33:50.100 People like Kyle.

01:33:51.980 I worked for this.

01:33:53.000 She does the taxes for the Rockefellers. 0.96

01:33:55.840 All I had to do was do.

01:33:57.620 Take a long time.

01:33:59.260 Yeah.

01:34:00.000 I just had to do copying.

01:34:01.660 And she brought me to the office and she goes, you do terrible work.

01:34:04.600 And I was just a copy boy.

01:34:06.540 And I was like 24.

01:34:09.400 Dude, I remember actually, I used to mail forms.

01:34:11.980 My job was mailing forms, right?

01:34:14.220 Form mailer, right?

01:34:15.460 And I did a bunch of mushrooms or LSD one time and went in there, right?

01:34:20.420 This is insane, bro.

01:34:22.020 And it was my girlfriend's mom.

01:34:23.440 This was in high school.

01:34:25.120 I got stripped down, got completely naked, right?

01:34:28.520 Okay.

01:34:30.740 That's not even half of it.

01:34:32.980 So I walk out of the workplace.

01:34:34.900 So much better than my story.

01:34:35.680 I walk out of the workplace.

01:34:36.780 The second that two women see me naked walking out of the workplace, I'm fired immediately, right? 1.00

01:34:41.360 But I'm so fucked up. 1.00

01:34:43.040 I didn't know. 0.99

01:34:43.540 Got into my car, 84 Ford Escort with a missing passenger seat.

01:34:47.900 Somebody stole it.

01:34:49.640 And I get home anyway, finish the drugs, wear off, blah, blah, blah.

01:34:54.600 I lose my job.

01:34:56.040 But here's the crazy part.

01:34:57.160 A week later, one of our associate companies in New Mexico got all my clothes in a box.

01:35:03.700 How crazy is that?

01:35:04.460 Did you mail them?

01:35:05.340 Yeah, I mailed them to them.

01:35:07.520 That is an insane story. 0.56

01:35:09.420 You knew you were naked at your office or you didn't know you were so high, you didn't know you were naked? 0.90

01:35:14.600 When I do heavy drugs, I get real Native American. 0.83

01:35:17.440 So I go back to the roots, you know?

01:35:20.080 Yeah, I get back to like, we don't need this. 0.99

01:35:22.680 We don't need this common thread of, you know, this Brit, this fucking, this British garb. 1.00

01:35:27.680 We don't need this shit. 1.00

01:35:28.100 So your story though, like you deserve to be fired. 1.00

01:35:30.080 And like, that's cool.

01:35:31.060 And you were like, I was trying really hard to make copies and I got fired.

01:35:34.980 You were having a good time.

01:35:36.460 And I mean, I don't know what I was doing, man, but we were both somehow inadvertently, though, we didn't know it, looking for something different.

01:35:44.880 Yeah. 0.76

01:35:45.560 There was a part of us that was like, I'm going to fuck this up.

01:35:48.580 I think so. 0.93

01:35:49.440 I think I was like, no, I'm never going to do, I can't do this.

01:35:52.220 So this compadre ends up at the right bowl of guacamole.

01:35:55.100 Yeah.

01:35:55.400 A guacamole.

01:35:56.060 But yeah, I also look up just, I'm sure you too, like just lucky things happened.

01:36:00.660 I mean, maybe unlucky things happened too that you wouldn't even know, but.

01:36:03.800 Did you ever have a pregnancy scare out there once you did get active and fertile?

01:36:07.780 No.

01:36:08.620 Oh.

01:36:09.040 I mean, I've had like condoms break where that, and then like morning after pill or something like that.

01:36:13.280 But it never was like a girl was like, I'm late.

01:36:14.920 That's never happened to me.

01:36:15.980 Did you ever have a thing where you.

01:36:18.640 I'm pretty protective.

01:36:20.040 Are you?

01:36:20.440 Myself.

01:36:20.820 You wear a lot of condoms, huh?

01:36:21.860 Mm. 1.00

01:36:22.360 I don't fuck around. 1.00

01:36:23.680 Really? 0.99

01:36:23.960 Unless I'm like in a relationship for a while, or like I've done STD tests with ladies and that's another way to go. 0.98

01:36:34.880 But if I don't know them.

01:36:37.040 Have you just ever winged it?

01:36:40.760 In what manner?

01:36:42.020 In a sexual manner with a woman and just said, I'm just going to assume this woman doesn't have an STD and I'm not going to use it to protect. 0.98

01:36:46.820 I, I've put, I've put it in when I shouldn't, but I've gotten tests after and I, I have been, I've lucked out. 0.96

01:36:56.740 Wouldn't it be crazy if there was somebody who could put their penis inside of a woman and then guess or not if that an STD and get it right every time? 1.00

01:37:03.040 That, that would be such a waste of an amazing talent. 1.00

01:37:06.240 It'd be a waste.

01:37:06.980 Really?

01:37:07.420 Why a waste?

01:37:07.780 I mean, where, how could you, would you go on the road with that and make money?

01:37:10.240 How do you monetize that?

01:37:10.780 I think so.

01:37:11.680 Bring Stephanie up here. 1.00

01:37:12.780 You just pick people out of the crowd. 0.99

01:37:14.460 Yeah, you have herpes. 0.91

01:37:16.240 You got, yeah.

01:37:18.160 I don't know.

01:37:19.000 Be something, man.

01:37:19.620 I'm just saying there's a way out there for everybody to make money.

01:37:21.500 There's a way to make money.

01:37:22.820 Yeah.

01:37:23.120 Absolutely.

01:37:23.720 So stay alive, folks.

01:37:24.960 Don't give up on yourself.

01:37:26.120 No, do not.

01:37:27.100 Have a good time.

01:37:28.380 Let's have a good time.

01:37:29.720 Yeah.

01:37:29.960 In the moment, they say that.

01:37:31.620 Stay in the moment, babe.

01:37:32.700 It's all that you have.

01:37:33.840 That's all.

01:37:34.420 All right.

01:37:35.020 We'll see you guys next time.

01:37:36.320 Peace.

01:37:36.760 Peace.

01:37:37.760 Peace.

01:37:38.760 Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:37:44.200 I must be cornerstone.

01:37:49.400 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:37:54.920 I can feel it in my bones.

01:37:57.760 But it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.

01:38:11.600 Shine that light on me.

01:38:16.680 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

01:38:20.260 Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you

01:38:33.180 And now I've been moving way too fast On the runaway train with a heavy load of my past

01:38:45.320 And these rails that I've been riding on They're worn so thin that they're damn near gone

01:38:53.660 I guess now they just weren't built to be

01:38:56.500 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be

01:39:02.660 sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure

01:39:07.520 your partner.

01:39:08.800 The answer may shock you.

01:39:10.540 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:39:12.660 Sometimes I won't.

01:39:13.440 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:39:17.260 You have three new voice messages.

01:39:20.260 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:39:23.120 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:39:25.800 Longer than anybody else.

01:39:27.460 So great.

01:39:28.760 Hi, sweetheart. 0.94

01:39:30.460 Here's a deal. 1.00

01:39:31.780 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:39:35.700 Jermaine. 0.99

01:39:36.980 Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:39:40.600 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:39:42.460 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:39:47.600 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:39:51.760 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:39:55.980 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:39:59.640 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:40:01.760 And yes, don't worry.

01:40:03.000 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

01:40:04.820 Head ups on YouTube there.

01:40:06.620 The next rule is Kite Club.

01:40:07.660 One RDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRare.

01:40:08.240 Waarför? 0.98

01:40:09.960 One RDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDR-

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - April 12, 2022

E388 Kyle Dunnigan

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