This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E406 Nick Swardson

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00:01:23.260 I'm going to let you guys know I'll be coming to town with the Return of the Rat Tour October 11th and 12th

00:01:28.960 in Wichita, Kansas.

00:01:30.480 They still have tickets for the 11th at the Orpheum Theater.

00:01:35.000 October 13th, Omaha, Nebraska.

00:01:36.980 That's sold out.

00:01:38.560 And October 14th, Denver, Colorado.

00:01:41.240 Those shows, I believe, are sold out.

00:01:45.360 We're going to add some new Omaha and Denver dates.

00:01:49.240 They'll be, I think, either later this year or in the spring.

00:01:51.940 So if you weren't able to get tickets, we'll put some new ones up soon for the Return of the Rat Tour.

00:01:58.520 Thank you guys for your support.

00:02:00.180 You can get your tickets at Theovahn.com slash T-O-U-R.

00:02:05.040 We have new Be Good to Yourself tees in new summertime colorways like Banana, Salmon.

00:02:11.660 Check those out and more at TheovahnStore.com.

00:02:14.840 Today's guest is hitting the road with his new Make Joke from Face Tour.

00:02:21.700 He's been here before.

00:02:23.860 He's based, he's from Minnesota.

00:02:26.600 He's that cold baby.

00:02:28.660 And he's been on Reno 911.

00:02:32.560 Grandma's boy.

00:02:35.820 And he's led a real interest in life of debauchery and hilarity.

00:02:41.580 I'm excited to have him back.

00:02:43.140 My friend, comedian Nick Swardson.

00:02:45.460 Shine that light on me

00:02:49.420 I'll sit and tell you my stories

00:02:55.380 Shine on me

00:03:00.140 And I will find a song

00:03:04.320 I've been singing

00:03:05.520 I'm gonna miss that

00:03:06.480 All right.

00:03:14.060 What's up, dude?

00:03:15.220 What up, Nick?

00:03:16.400 What's up?

00:03:16.940 What's up?

00:03:17.880 Take your fucking winner.

00:03:19.660 We'll call the effing cops, dude.

00:03:21.640 What's up, man?

00:03:22.360 What's going on?

00:03:23.360 Dude, I haven't had a drink in two months, so I've got that sober energy.

00:03:26.680 Is that true?

00:03:27.280 Yeah, I'm fucking sober, Kai.

00:03:29.580 Wow.

00:03:30.100 Yeah.

00:03:30.540 So you really, so two months, no alcohol?

00:03:33.640 No, I had one drink for a celebration, but then I just stopped it at that, which is rare, but

00:03:39.600 So you had a drink within the past two months?

00:03:41.640 Yeah, but it was once.

00:03:42.560 I don't count that.

00:03:44.320 What counts to you as drinking?

00:03:46.920 40 drinks in a night.

00:03:48.120 Wow.

00:03:48.800 Yeah.

00:03:49.020 Have you ever had that?

00:03:51.460 I have.

00:03:52.200 I remember one time I did a show in Miami.

00:03:54.760 Miami, and I don't know if you've ever done this, but I had one.

00:03:57.460 Oh, I've been to Miami, dude.

00:03:58.640 Well, you've been to Miami, but I had one show.

00:04:00.640 It was like a college gig.

00:04:01.700 Mm-hmm.

00:04:02.220 And I fucking stayed for a month.

00:04:05.380 Damn.

00:04:05.820 I just stayed at a hotel for a month.

00:04:07.860 And my opener, Patrick Keen, super funny.

00:04:10.380 And after like two weeks, he's like, what are we doing?

00:04:13.300 And I'm like, Miami, bro.

00:04:15.460 And he goes, yeah, that's great.

00:04:16.840 I've got to go home.

00:04:17.840 Yeah.

00:04:17.960 Like, I have like another job and like a life.

00:04:20.820 Yeah.

00:04:21.200 And I'm like, oh, yeah, right.

00:04:22.920 Okay.

00:04:23.320 And then I got him a plane ticket home, and I stayed another two weeks.

00:04:26.680 Just drinking.

00:04:27.640 Just drinking.

00:04:28.320 Just chilling.

00:04:28.720 And I remember the hotel bartender, I'm not bragging about this, but kind of, the hotel

00:04:33.800 bartender goes, Mr. Swartzen.

00:04:36.120 And I'm like, yeah.

00:04:37.440 And he goes, you just drank a whole bottle of Grey Goose today.

00:04:41.540 And I go, okay.

00:04:43.000 And he goes, yeah, how are you feeling?

00:04:45.020 And I'm like, I'm good, dude.

00:04:46.500 I'm like, can I get another cocktail?

00:04:47.920 And he's like, yeah, all right.

00:04:50.420 And I fucking just ripped Miami up, dude.

00:04:54.280 Grey Goose.

00:04:54.920 If you drank a whole bottle of Grey Goose, you become an endangered species, I think, at

00:04:58.880 that point.

00:04:59.240 Yeah.

00:04:59.540 I think I started to get feathers on my jennies.

00:05:02.220 Fucking, yeah.

00:05:03.300 Dude, shit got real.

00:05:04.740 I was waking up in an egg.

00:05:06.440 I'd like come out and shit.

00:05:08.240 It was crazy.

00:05:09.540 You've never done that?

00:05:10.500 I've done that many times where I've done a gig.

00:05:12.520 And it's always fucking Florida.

00:05:14.140 Yeah.

00:05:14.320 It's like when I told you this.

00:05:15.740 When I was quarantined.

00:05:16.720 And I went to Key West for, it's supposed to be 10 days.

00:05:19.440 During the pandemic?

00:05:20.140 Yeah.

00:05:20.360 And I was there a year and a half.

00:05:22.200 And you ran up.

00:05:23.080 I heard that you ran up a bill at the hotel there that was like astronomical.

00:05:27.580 It was insane.

00:05:28.300 I stayed at a resort on the beach for a year and a half.

00:05:30.760 And it cost, I heard, a million dollars.

00:05:32.200 I don't think it was a million, but it was a lot of money.

00:05:34.620 If you tipped, did you tip?

00:05:36.100 I always tip.

00:05:36.840 I'm really good at tipping.

00:05:38.100 I think it's important.

00:05:39.320 What do you think it was?

00:05:40.260 Because when you say a lot of money, how much was it?

00:05:42.040 I mean, it was definitely probably half a mil for sure.

00:05:46.100 But it was, I feel like, I feel like it was more than that.

00:05:48.180 It might've been.

00:05:49.020 I kind of don't want to know.

00:05:50.920 Because I just went into the ether of just, and then just listen to live music and shit.

00:05:58.320 But how, so, because I remember a time I came and met you.

00:06:02.420 I was in some city.

00:06:03.320 You were performing there.

00:06:03.980 I was performing there.

00:06:04.960 And I came and saw you.

00:06:06.400 And you were day drinking at a hotel.

00:06:08.680 Yeah.

00:06:09.180 And not like at a pool party.

00:06:10.780 It was like a dark, like, it was like kind of like a dimly lit.

00:06:14.980 It was like a bar in Star Wars or something?

00:06:17.220 Yeah.

00:06:17.720 It was like.

00:06:18.200 There's just creatures?

00:06:19.020 Or are there people there?

00:06:20.560 I didn't see any bartender.

00:06:21.880 I do remember a hand would come up every now and then.

00:06:24.400 Oh, no.

00:06:25.680 It would just conjure up a beverage, you know?

00:06:28.120 Oh, my God.

00:06:29.000 Just witch magic?

00:06:30.680 Yeah.

00:06:30.940 Or like the hand from Adam's family would just come in.

00:06:33.980 Fucking.

00:06:35.540 Dude, I heard that hand molested like a bunch of kids.

00:06:38.560 Dude, stay away from hands.

00:06:39.780 If it's just a hand, it's up to no good.

00:06:44.160 But, yeah, I remember going to meet you at a, you were like, yeah, come over.

00:06:47.580 We're partying everywhere.

00:06:48.480 We're hanging out.

00:06:49.060 And I got there.

00:06:50.080 There's nobody there.

00:06:51.120 And I think it was football season.

00:06:52.940 And it didn't even have any TVs in it.

00:06:55.120 And I was like, this is.

00:06:56.680 What?

00:06:57.180 Really?

00:06:57.640 That's weird.

00:06:58.380 That was, because I remember being like, oh, that's because I know you're a Vikings fan.

00:07:02.040 I was like, that's weird.

00:07:02.660 But, and there were like cavernous things lit.

00:07:05.560 There was like, like, like torches.

00:07:08.020 It was a weird ball.

00:07:08.700 Oh, my God.

00:07:09.560 Who was I with?

00:07:10.460 Frankenstein?

00:07:11.260 What the fuck, man?

00:07:13.040 What is wrong with me?

00:07:14.600 I felt like, is this probably like a geologist thing?

00:07:16.760 It had a very Indiana Jones meets like, um.

00:07:20.160 I mean, I do.

00:07:20.800 A sober living.

00:07:21.520 Right.

00:07:21.900 Okay.

00:07:22.680 That's interesting.

00:07:23.280 I do hunt for treasure when I'm on tour.

00:07:25.580 I do try to find treasures.

00:07:26.940 So I do end up in some sketchy snake spider bars.

00:07:30.460 Did you, uh.

00:07:32.000 So you quit.

00:07:32.880 You had to quit drinking.

00:07:34.400 I had to take a time out.

00:07:35.680 Yeah.

00:07:36.160 But, um.

00:07:36.940 Yeah.

00:07:37.140 I like pick and choose.

00:07:38.100 Like, I've gotten to the point where, like, Labor Day weekend, like holiday weekend, I'm

00:07:41.520 going to drink.

00:07:42.240 Okay.

00:07:42.620 You know what I mean?

00:07:43.260 But then I won't go, like, bonkers.

00:07:45.580 Because I'm going on tour this fall, starting after Labor Day.

00:07:48.920 And I remember, I'm going to not drink as much as I used to because it got so, I would

00:07:53.320 just get caught up with fans and going out.

00:07:55.360 And then there was one time, a couple times, there was one time I sincerely did this.

00:07:59.240 I walked out on stage in Louisville, Kentucky.

00:08:02.700 And this is genuine.

00:08:04.160 I walk out and I go, dude, not only is this my first time in Louisville, this is my first

00:08:09.380 time ever performing in Louisville.

00:08:11.240 And this guy goes, no, you were here last tour.

00:08:15.320 And I'm like, yeah, I know, but not this theater.

00:08:19.160 And the guy goes, yeah, it was this theater.

00:08:21.740 And I'm like, it's great to be back in Louisville.

00:08:25.400 Good to see everybody again.

00:08:27.260 But it's because the time before that, I don't drink bourbon.

00:08:30.880 And I went out and people took me to just ripping bourbon.

00:08:33.980 And that was just one of those alcohols where it's just the switch.

00:08:37.160 It's just bye.

00:08:38.560 Oh, yeah.

00:08:39.100 Next thing you know, you're trying to fucking just suck off your knees.

00:08:41.660 Yeah, man.

00:08:42.240 You're trying to fucking blow your knees and a possum just starts fisting you.

00:08:45.120 And you're like, fucking game on.

00:08:47.360 Yeah.

00:08:47.600 So, I mean, and then Chicago is one of my favorites.

00:08:50.160 I love Chicago.

00:08:51.080 Yeah.

00:08:51.260 And I went out until six in the morning on Division Street.

00:08:57.260 And I was in such a blackout.

00:08:59.800 But I do remember like windows, you know, like when you remember just little vignettes.

00:09:04.060 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:09:05.020 Yeah.

00:09:05.140 Like little commercials.

00:09:06.180 Yeah.

00:09:06.580 So one of my little commercials was I went to McDonald's at six in the morning and I peed my pants.

00:09:14.240 And I was so hammered.

00:09:15.920 And I peed and then I ordered a shitload of food, like way too much on this tray.

00:09:19.260 And then I turned around and slipped in my own pee and then threw all the food all over the place.

00:09:23.220 I wiped out, panicked and ran out and then had to find my hotel.

00:09:28.360 I had just gotten in.

00:09:29.080 I had no idea what was going on.

00:09:29.940 And then I woke up, did soundcheck, and my tour manager was like, what does that smell?

00:09:35.340 And I go, oh, God, yeah, I peed myself.

00:09:37.860 And he was like, what the fuck?

00:09:39.660 That's a McBladder, dude.

00:09:40.960 That's a fucking McBladder.

00:09:42.340 Yeah, McBladder, dude.

00:09:43.180 I can't believe you.

00:09:44.440 Dude, I saw a guy pee actually in a, like this is insane.

00:09:48.200 I remember this, man.

00:09:49.980 This was growing up, dude.

00:09:51.060 We had like two, I don't know if we had two homeless guys bust, but we had like one gay guy.

00:09:55.360 And everybody was like, that guy is homeless, you know, because he didn't have a wife and kids.

00:09:58.700 And then he was like, they just immediately equated him to homeless.

00:10:03.320 I mean, it was like, you know, that was the times, you know, it was like 1940.

00:10:07.500 I was just saying, it was like, oh, look at this homeless guy, you know, like, damn.

00:10:11.820 He's perfectly dressed.

00:10:13.060 He's like, what?

00:10:14.240 No, I just don't like women.

00:10:16.420 Nope.

00:10:17.040 You're a degenerate homeless person.

00:10:18.820 You're like, get off the streets.

00:10:21.520 He's like, I own this shop right here.

00:10:23.560 We sell flowers.

00:10:25.600 Whatever, homeless.

00:10:28.700 Whatever, that's hilarious.

00:10:30.200 But I remember this other dude had pee.

00:10:33.820 Remember they had those, McDonald's had those trays, you know?

00:10:36.560 We're going to have a McDonald's tray, can we?

00:10:40.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:10:41.260 I know what you're talking about.

00:10:42.460 It was a tray.

00:10:44.440 Yeah, the brown one.

00:10:45.840 They used to have the brown one.

00:10:46.840 Yeah.

00:10:47.660 Yeah.

00:10:48.340 That's what I'm talking about.

00:10:49.500 Yeah.

00:10:49.760 So, this guy had peed and would just get a perfect, like, balance of it.

00:10:56.020 And he would carry it?

00:10:57.040 It was a trap.

00:10:58.360 Because whoever came in, the second you touched it, the piss would come off.

00:11:01.600 Oh, I like that.

00:11:02.920 Fuck.

00:11:03.580 Why did I think of that?

00:11:05.260 I'm still tired.

00:11:06.180 So, but obviously, so, it sounds like, I mean, you've obviously had some issues with drinking,

00:11:11.060 you know?

00:11:11.620 Yeah, I've gone up and down with it.

00:11:12.720 I mean, there's no secret there.

00:11:14.280 Yeah.

00:11:14.640 How bad did it get?

00:11:15.700 Like, what was one of those times where you're like, damn, this is, because it's just a sneaky

00:11:20.580 thing.

00:11:20.860 I mean, half our audience, I think, probably doesn't, you know, or struggles with all kind

00:11:24.160 of shit.

00:11:24.620 Yeah, for sure.

00:11:25.460 I mean, it's interesting, I've always tried to find a balance, because I never thought

00:11:29.220 I was, like, a raging alcoholic.

00:11:32.440 Like, when I would drink, I would drink.

00:11:34.120 But I never craved it, you know what I mean?

00:11:35.980 It wasn't one of those things where, like, I'd gone to AA meetings and stuff, and I would

00:11:39.780 hear stories.

00:11:41.300 Like, go to an AA meeting just to hear some shit get real as fuck.

00:11:45.960 I mean, there were people that, A, would do, like, eight to ten meetings a day, which

00:11:49.340 is fine.

00:11:49.760 This isn't me judging anybody.

00:11:51.400 But, like, there were people that couldn't walk past a bar.

00:11:54.480 There were people that couldn't even look at an empty, like, people would tell stories

00:11:58.360 about being at a wedding, and they couldn't even look at an empty champagne glass without

00:12:01.780 having, like, a full panic attack.

00:12:04.080 So, I mean, I was never at that point.

00:12:07.240 I would just, like, get into a, you know, if I had time off, I'm like, well, I'm just

00:12:11.120 going to get drunk, because it's fun as shit.

00:12:15.080 Like, there's also a contingent of people that drink that do enjoy it.

00:12:18.820 Like, I didn't start fights.

00:12:20.260 I wouldn't be rude.

00:12:21.740 There wouldn't be, like, that when you meet somebody and they get drunk, and all of a

00:12:24.580 sudden they're racist now, and you're like, oh, God.

00:12:26.860 Like, that type of shit.

00:12:28.220 I just always had fun.

00:12:29.800 Yeah.

00:12:30.260 So, that was kind of the catch-22.

00:12:32.120 It's like, when you're like that, you just have fun with it.

00:12:35.720 Yeah.

00:12:36.320 Dance and shit and fart.

00:12:38.020 Yeah.

00:12:38.720 That's true, man.

00:12:39.540 I guess there is.

00:12:40.180 I guess if you're having, if it makes you have fun, it's tough to, like, you know, curtail

00:12:45.000 it back, you know?

00:12:45.880 Yeah.

00:12:46.400 The late Norm MacDonald, who was one of my best friends.

00:12:49.000 He had so many great drinking jokes, but one of them, he goes, and I'm loosely paraphrasing,

00:12:54.720 but he goes, yeah, yeah, my uncle's an alcoholic, and my mom was like, yeah, yeah, your uncle's,

00:13:01.420 he's got a disease, alcoholism.

00:13:03.440 It's a disease.

00:13:04.980 And Norm goes, well, as far as diseases go, that's a pretty good one.

00:13:09.980 He's like, hey, Uncle Rick, what happened last night?

00:13:12.900 Well, I went out, and my disease kicked in, ended up laughing all night, and then had

00:13:17.860 sex with a stranger.

00:13:20.220 I always, like, love that take on it.

00:13:23.040 Sweet Norm.

00:13:24.380 Yeah, that is a good take, man.

00:13:26.180 Yeah, I think if you can have, if, I think part of the alcoholism is that you don't have,

00:13:30.020 you get so down about whatever you do, you know?

00:13:32.960 It's like, instead of just being like, oh, I had a great time, they're like, you know,

00:13:36.340 you start, like, going through all the things in your head of, like, oh, this and this,

00:13:39.680 and now it makes me feel, you're just too, like, sensitive almost, you know?

00:13:43.480 Yeah.

00:13:43.640 You have a sensitivity to not just the alcohol, but to whatever you, of being out of control,

00:13:49.460 I think.

00:13:50.140 Yeah, totally.

00:13:50.840 And if, when you get to a point of, like, drinking and driving is fucking horrible.

00:13:54.460 Like, I don't even know how people get DUIs, then, with, like, Uber and Lyft and shit.

00:13:58.100 What's the furthest you ever drank and drove, dude?

00:14:00.040 Being from Minnesota, it's probably.

00:14:01.940 I drove to Hawaii.

00:14:03.340 Damn.

00:14:04.100 From L.A.

00:14:05.200 Dude, I don't know how I did it.

00:14:06.900 I just woke up in my car with a fucking bunch of dolphins.

00:14:10.560 I don't know what happened, man.

00:14:13.820 The fur, I mean, nothing, like, of length.

00:14:16.600 I mean, I have friends who have been blacked out.

00:14:19.160 We would do last call in L.A., and they would drive to Vegas after last call.

00:14:25.200 So that's, just so you know, that's, like, four hours.

00:14:27.980 But that's drugs, too, probably.

00:14:30.260 I know.

00:14:30.900 My friends, those guys, that's a funny thing, though.

00:14:33.880 Do you have, like, friends that casually do cocaine?

00:14:36.700 I have friends that are, like, nine to five or so on the weekends.

00:14:39.000 They fucking get all zippied.

00:14:40.660 And then.

00:14:41.380 And then they're back.

00:14:41.800 And then Monday, they're like, what's up, Jerry?

00:14:43.900 Yeah.

00:14:44.380 How's accounting?

00:14:45.320 Or whatever people, you know, that have jobs.

00:14:48.520 I don't know.

00:14:48.640 Yeah, I think I do probably know some people like that, you know.

00:14:52.580 That always fascinated me.

00:14:53.980 A, are they lying?

00:14:55.500 But also, I mean, I don't know.

00:14:57.420 I can't do that shit, but, I mean, I've done it, but whatever.

00:15:03.160 Yeah, that's just insane that you, like, go to a place and just stay there.

00:15:07.200 It's interesting.

00:15:08.480 I know, but it's, like, fun.

00:15:10.100 Yeah.

00:15:10.280 Or it's, like, I'm not, you know, it's just, I don't know.

00:15:13.040 Why not?

00:15:13.520 Oh, it's cool.

00:15:14.400 A lot of times I feel bad that I have to leave certain places.

00:15:17.180 Like, oh, I want to get to know this place a little bit better, this town, or see what's going on, you know.

00:15:21.480 So when you toured, we both toured forever.

00:15:24.000 And you live in Nashville now.

00:15:26.060 Yeah.

00:15:26.420 And I was living in Key West.

00:15:28.000 So if you could settle down in a town.

00:15:30.880 You weren't living, you stayed at a hotel.

00:15:32.700 Yeah, but I mean, for a year.

00:15:33.860 For a year and a half.

00:15:34.540 Okay, that's true.

00:15:35.100 I mean, that's a residence, I would say.

00:15:37.660 Did you start to, like, what was that?

00:15:39.280 I knew everybody.

00:15:40.280 It got fucking crazy.

00:15:42.700 It was like Mayberry on mushrooms, dude.

00:15:45.440 When people, every day when you go to the hotel room next door and be like, hey, I'm Nick, I'm your neighbor.

00:15:50.460 Would you say that kind of shit?

00:15:51.540 Yeah, I knew the mailman.

00:15:53.280 Even though he didn't bring me mail, he would just bring me coupons, and I felt like I was involved.

00:15:57.540 I knew everybody.

00:15:58.740 Wow.

00:15:58.980 It was fun as shit, man.

00:16:00.680 That is nice, Key West.

00:16:01.980 I remember one time, I was just in such a good mood, and I had some cash.

00:16:08.720 I mean, somebody owed me money, and they drove down from Minnesota to give me money that they owed me.

00:16:13.140 But it was cash.

00:16:13.960 It was like 10 grand in cash.

00:16:16.080 So then I just was cash happy.

00:16:18.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:18.600 Oh, yeah.

00:16:18.920 So I was tipping fucking everybody.

00:16:20.740 Yeah.

00:16:21.180 Like, my friends that play at the bars down there, I would request a song, and I'd be like, hey, play this.

00:16:27.180 And they'd be like, no, we're not playing Country Road by John Denver again.

00:16:29.600 And I'm like, I know, but, and I would just keep giving them money.

00:16:32.080 Here's three of these.

00:16:32.880 Let's fucking, come on.

00:16:34.180 What are we doing?

00:16:34.800 Take me home, Country fucking Road, man.

00:16:37.840 But I gave, there was like some, like, kind of homeless, not teenagers, but just younger people, kind of like, you know, just.

00:16:45.920 Oh, yeah, I know who you're talking about.

00:16:46.820 Yeah, like kind of punk dudes, you know, probably in their 20s.

00:16:51.380 Like, what do you mean, like art students or something?

00:16:53.260 I would, I'll say that, but I don't know.

00:16:56.560 But they were just kind of like, they were just chill.

00:16:59.060 Like, they were beach homeless.

00:17:00.380 Like, they were just like, what's up?

00:17:01.040 Like, people that, like, kids that spray, like, dude, we had this kid named Todd.

00:17:04.020 I'm sure they've drawn something.

00:17:05.440 We had this kid named Todd that drank a fucking can of spray paint, dude, which is so hard to do.

00:17:10.120 He drank like a cock.

00:17:11.120 Did he drink it?

00:17:11.840 He just was like.

00:17:12.380 He just sprayed it straight into his fucking throat.

00:17:14.460 Oh, so he, um, what's that called?

00:17:15.760 Like, huffing or something?

00:17:17.540 Just having.

00:17:18.160 I don't know, what does it say?

00:17:18.820 He drank it.

00:17:19.620 Yeah, just having paint.

00:17:21.040 I mean, because he, yeah, it wasn't gas, only he got paint.

00:17:24.520 God.

00:17:25.080 I know, pretty fucking cool.

00:17:26.100 That was back when people didn't give a fuck, you know?

00:17:28.000 That's really not giving a fuck.

00:17:29.700 Yeah.

00:17:30.320 I feel bad for him.

00:17:31.320 I mean, did he, was at least a throat color, so it didn't.

00:17:33.840 Oh, he was all, he'd never, he would never really handsome anyway out of the gate, but

00:17:36.920 I think that's part of his thing.

00:17:38.760 He's like, I'll just fucking torture myself.

00:17:39.820 He's like, I'm just going to paint my fucking grill.

00:17:43.340 The straight.

00:17:44.820 That is awful.

00:17:46.360 You see somebody riding that can, bro, it fucking makes you hard, bro.

00:17:49.720 Why would it make you hard?

00:17:51.220 Because you know what somebody's going through when you're fucking right there with them.

00:17:54.200 So how long did you guys date?

00:17:55.660 I never dated, dude.

00:17:56.980 It's just, that's no contact homosexuality, bro.

00:18:00.300 That's just admiring, just admiration.

00:18:03.520 Yeah, yeah, dude.

00:18:04.220 I think that's a word.

00:18:05.220 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:05.820 Is this guy still with us?

00:18:07.180 Like, out of respect, I'm going to stand here and get hard for you.

00:18:10.260 Right.

00:18:10.820 It's an homage to you.

00:18:12.300 Is he?

00:18:12.540 I'm not sure.

00:18:12.940 I don't know what happened to that kid.

00:18:14.120 He was always, he did a lot of shit.

00:18:14.800 I'm not about no.

00:18:15.760 He took a thing, he did a hit of gasoline one time.

00:18:18.780 He's just fucking that kind of guy.

00:18:20.180 Did he not know about vodka?

00:18:22.000 Did anybody tell him?

00:18:23.120 Like, hey, what was his name?

00:18:25.120 Todd.

00:18:26.100 Todd?

00:18:26.760 T-O-D-D.

00:18:28.120 Yeah.

00:18:28.600 Not T-A-H-D-D.

00:18:29.500 That's a classic Todd move, by the way.

00:18:32.160 Some names you just affiliate with shit like that.

00:18:34.280 You're like, Todd.

00:18:35.100 Yeah, and all of his teeth didn't kind of fit in his mouth.

00:18:37.440 Something was, I don't even know what he was, you know, he was.

00:18:39.400 So he's like, I'm going to make him blue.

00:18:42.160 No, he just got on that can, baby.

00:18:44.500 All right.

00:18:45.520 But I'm saying people have used all kinds of drugs over the years.

00:18:49.180 Oh, dude, there was one fucking, oh, wait.

00:18:52.160 So the punk dudes by the beach.

00:18:55.080 So they were always like, so cool, you know?

00:18:57.740 They were like, what up, Nick?

00:18:59.280 And so one day I'm like, just, I got a buzz.

00:19:03.160 Yeah.

00:19:03.480 And I gave him like four or 500 bucks.

00:19:07.020 I'm like, hey, guys, you know what?

00:19:09.400 Go have fun, huh?

00:19:10.360 Yeah, but I was so dumb.

00:19:11.960 Get your mom some sandals, huh?

00:19:13.260 Yeah, why don't you go buy your mom some sandals and maybe throw dad a dream catcher?

00:19:18.160 Yeah.

00:19:18.560 Let's fucking go.

00:19:19.920 You guys want some sandies?

00:19:21.240 Get some food?

00:19:22.520 No, they didn't do that.

00:19:23.560 So then the police that became friends of mine, they rolled up my friend Dave.

00:19:27.820 He's like, Nick, did you give some homeless youth a bunch of money?

00:19:32.900 And I go, yeah, man, they're really cool.

00:19:34.980 They're really fun.

00:19:36.020 I gave him like, yeah, a couple hundred bucks.

00:19:37.520 And the guy's like, yeah, don't do that anymore.

00:19:41.040 And I go, why?

00:19:41.680 He goes, we just arrested all of them.

00:19:43.640 They just went on a crazy light bender, drug bender, and just ran around naked, I think,

00:19:48.780 and like broke into a lighthouse.

00:19:50.140 I don't know what the fuck they did, but I got like reprimanded.

00:19:54.280 And I was like, right.

00:19:55.500 So they didn't spend it.

00:19:56.960 They didn't give it to the church.

00:20:01.180 Yeah.

00:20:01.740 Chick, it's rogue, dude.

00:20:03.400 Well, I got that tattoo right there.

00:20:05.040 Rogue.

00:20:05.900 Did that say it?

00:20:06.700 Yeah.

00:20:07.340 Dude, did that literally show your tattoo?

00:20:08.980 It looks like a place where you go and pick out a font for like a wedding thing or something

00:20:12.460 like that.

00:20:13.020 You know what I'm saying?

00:20:13.900 I was going to marry that paint huffer.

00:20:16.180 We got to get it.

00:20:17.060 I decided I was going to.

00:20:17.980 We got to get a close up.

00:20:19.420 Bro, you're all Helvetic up by your elbow, dude.

00:20:21.760 That shit.

00:20:22.440 Ow.

00:20:23.200 Fuck.

00:20:25.040 Yeah.

00:20:26.360 Ow.

00:20:27.080 Jesus.

00:20:27.660 God damn it.

00:20:28.080 You do jujitsu?

00:20:29.200 Dude, you just lost to the fucking the lightest black dude I've ever seen in my life.

00:20:33.460 I just lost to the fucking robot from Short Circuit.

00:20:35.200 This is his dick.

00:20:36.740 Holy shit, man.

00:20:38.820 What's going on?

00:20:39.660 Boop, beep, beep, beep.

00:20:41.160 Boop, boop, boop.

00:20:42.180 Boop, boop, boop.

00:20:43.600 The wait is almost over.

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00:23:00.920 Fucking Steven Seagal, dude.

00:23:03.200 Dude, flock of Seagals.

00:23:05.340 We were talking about Steve.

00:23:06.480 We had dinner with our friend David Spade last night.

00:23:09.420 We did, man.

00:23:10.520 What an adorable lawn gnome that guy is.

00:23:12.480 Yeah, you know, there's just something.

00:23:14.180 And you just want to fucking just.

00:23:18.100 You just want to pick him up and just throw him into a ceiling fan.

00:23:20.780 You know what I mean?

00:23:21.640 Just happy and then.

00:23:24.260 And he's out.

00:23:26.600 No, we love David.

00:23:27.220 And we were talking about him and David are developing a movie together.

00:23:30.260 Yeah, we wrote a movie.

00:23:31.320 You wrote a movie, but you're developing it.

00:23:33.340 Yeah, developing it sounds like we're just thinking about it and smoking weed.

00:23:36.700 No, it doesn't.

00:23:37.240 It sounds like you're developing something.

00:23:38.700 Really?

00:23:38.900 Like when you're developing, like a development, like a building, you're developing it.

00:23:43.560 So you're not like just sitting there like a building would look cool there.

00:23:46.800 Okay.

00:23:47.380 Yeah, it's coming into fruition.

00:23:49.460 Okay.

00:23:50.060 All right, that's fair.

00:23:50.820 Thanks, man.

00:23:50.940 Yeah, because I read the script.

00:23:52.020 It's really funny.

00:23:52.740 It's like Joe Dirt meets Dumb and Dumber with you and David.

00:23:55.440 Yeah, it's good.

00:23:56.460 And it's like a love story.

00:23:59.160 But it's not an annoying love story.

00:24:00.840 No.

00:24:01.120 It's like a buddy story.

00:24:03.060 Yeah, it's like a buddy story.

00:24:03.960 And then he's trying to get love, you know?

00:24:05.500 And what do you think about that process, like writing a script?

00:24:08.040 Because it's such a different muscle.

00:24:09.180 I've been a writer since I was 24.

00:24:10.980 I wrote Malibu's Most Wanted, Benchwormer's Grandma's Boy.

00:24:13.580 And it's really interesting, don't you think?

00:24:15.600 Because it's fucking hard as shit.

00:24:16.920 You really need discipline.

00:24:18.920 And it's hard to like, because you get, the thing about it is like you get married to jokes

00:24:22.840 and bits in a movie, but you also need story.

00:24:25.860 So you've got to, it's a compromise.

00:24:28.020 I'm writing a movie right now with the director of Grandma's Boy, Nick Goosen.

00:24:30.540 And it's still hard, because you want to keep funny shit, but you also are like, oh, this

00:24:36.140 doesn't make any sense.

00:24:37.820 Yeah, I mean, there's like, it's hard.

00:24:40.120 First of all, it just takes a lot of time.

00:24:41.900 It's like, I have to like settle my brain from like stand-up, or from like AA, or from

00:24:48.920 like, um...

00:24:50.220 Well, you have tons of shit.

00:24:51.300 I mean, you have podcasts, you have so many things.

00:24:53.660 Right, and you have to have enough like energy and creativity to sit there and work, you

00:24:58.060 know, just, you just go back and forth, you put it in, you're like, okay, this kind of

00:25:01.760 works, this works, and then you get the whole thing done, and you're like, okay, we have

00:25:05.640 too many jokes, we don't have enough reason why this guy wants this, you know?

00:25:10.540 And you have to have a reason in a movie, you know?

00:25:13.500 Yeah, you've got to like, because the thing with Dumb and Dumber, which is one of my favorite

00:25:17.100 movies, and the thing that makes it work, and I was telling Spade this last night, because

00:25:21.440 I read the script, it's really funny, but I'm like, you need a little bit of like motive

00:25:25.440 and heart, a little bit more, because Dumb and Dumber, there's a scene.

00:25:29.780 Corazon.

00:25:31.160 What?

00:25:32.240 Corazon.

00:25:32.760 What's that mean?

00:25:33.460 Spanish heart.

00:25:34.080 Heart.

00:25:34.440 Oh.

00:25:34.920 Heart in Spanish.

00:25:35.680 I like that.

00:25:36.360 Thank you.

00:25:36.920 Yeah.

00:25:37.740 But there's a scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are arguing about

00:25:42.480 something in the apartment, and about going to find the girl, and Jeff Daniels goes, I'm

00:25:47.400 sick and tired of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:25:49.220 And Jim Carrey goes, you know what I'm sick and tired of?

00:25:52.280 What is it?

00:25:52.800 He goes, I'm sick and tired of being a nobody.

00:25:55.220 I'm sick and tired of eking my way through life.

00:25:58.400 And it's really sincere, and really dead serious.

00:26:01.580 And most of all, I'm sick and tired of having nobody.

00:26:04.100 Doesn't that guy say that?

00:26:04.800 Yeah.

00:26:05.460 Yeah, I think that's it too.

00:26:07.320 And then you just go, oh, these guys aren't stupid, they're real people.

00:26:11.880 Then they have feelings.

00:26:13.060 And then you go with them on that journey, because you root for them.

00:26:17.440 Right.

00:26:17.560 And that's such an important scene that people don't realize makes that movie.

00:26:21.800 Okay.

00:26:22.040 It's when you really care about them.

00:26:23.680 Yeah.

00:26:24.120 You know what I'm saying?

00:26:24.920 We'll be right back with more from fucking Carrot Top.

00:26:27.500 Yeah.

00:26:27.960 More from White.

00:26:28.700 Where's Carrot Top?

00:26:29.300 More from White Oprah's.

00:26:32.560 Yeah, it's been interesting, man.

00:26:35.380 And David has so many jokes, so he loves the jokes.

00:26:37.600 So he's like, we'll get together and we'll write.

00:26:39.240 And he'll be like, I'll leave there with like 70 more jokes in.

00:26:42.700 No more storylines.

00:26:44.080 Yeah.

00:26:44.480 That's the trick, dude.

00:26:45.520 You got it.

00:26:45.800 Because I've worked with David a billion times.

00:26:47.400 It's so funny.

00:26:47.860 And he always wants the joke, but you've got to get the story down and then put the jokes

00:26:52.840 around.

00:26:53.320 Ow.

00:26:53.740 Fuck.

00:26:53.980 The robot attacked me.

00:26:55.360 But just so you know, that's an insight into screenwriting and comedy writing.

00:26:58.660 Insight?

00:26:59.080 We didn't fucking tell these people anything.

00:27:00.520 Yeah, we did.

00:27:01.300 I did.

00:27:01.740 We didn't.

00:27:02.780 What?

00:27:03.760 We did.

00:27:05.200 Fuck you, man.

00:27:06.100 You said, dude.

00:27:06.440 Insightful.

00:27:07.420 Was it, Zach?

00:27:08.120 I thought so.

00:27:09.080 Okay.

00:27:09.540 Tell us what you learned then.

00:27:10.520 Yeah, take your fucking mullet out of your ears.

00:27:12.580 Fucking wigorny weaver.

00:27:14.480 Dude, I will fucking do a line and fuck your cousin, dog.

00:27:17.480 Why do my cousins have monkey pox?

00:27:20.540 Well, bring it on, dude.

00:27:21.840 Dude, didn't you think that was a cereal when it first came out?

00:27:24.100 Monkey pox, a lot of people are calling it zoo-aids.

00:27:26.760 A lot of gays are calling it zoo-aids.

00:27:28.340 What?

00:27:28.960 Is that true?

00:27:29.940 Yeah.

00:27:30.080 Fuck yeah.

00:27:30.680 I'll adopt that term.

00:27:32.120 Yeah.

00:27:32.440 That's funny.

00:27:33.300 Zoo-aids.

00:27:35.020 Oh, my God.

00:27:36.620 Who wants to freaking...

00:27:37.800 Dude, who wants some fucking zoo-aids?

00:27:39.460 Who wants to huff with these zoo...

00:27:41.160 Dude, was...

00:27:42.320 Anyway.

00:27:43.860 Speaking of zoo-aids, go Vikings!

00:27:47.140 This is a shirt company, Minnesota, on a stick.

00:27:49.640 Because everything goes on a stick there.

00:27:51.320 What did you guys just got, uh...

00:27:53.840 Do you guys have, um...

00:27:56.080 Herschel Walker?

00:27:57.380 No.

00:27:57.820 Do you guys still have, uh...

00:27:59.740 What is that guy who they caught putting that stuff in his trunk that one time?

00:28:03.180 Puritop.

00:28:03.900 Put stuff in his trunk?

00:28:05.100 No.

00:28:05.700 Brad, what's his name?

00:28:07.060 He was quarterback.

00:28:08.980 Brad?

00:28:09.740 Oh, Brad Johnson?

00:28:10.740 Yeah.

00:28:11.240 Yeah.

00:28:11.860 No, we don't still have him.

00:28:13.280 Hmm.

00:28:13.600 He was good.

00:28:14.060 I think he works at fucking P.F. Chang's now or something.

00:28:15.980 Oh, does he really?

00:28:16.840 I think so.

00:28:17.380 I have no idea.

00:28:17.700 Dude, I saw Rufio at P.F. Chang's.

00:28:20.560 Working?

00:28:21.720 It was dark in there.

00:28:23.480 He could have been.

00:28:24.640 Oh, yeah.

00:28:25.080 Rufio from Hook?

00:28:25.380 He literally popped out of the wall with a freaking Ponzu sauce on his hand.

00:28:28.020 Fuck yeah, he did.

00:28:29.080 Yeah.

00:28:29.300 I remember there was some actor that got shit on in the, like, TMZ or something about having

00:28:33.920 a waiter job in L.A., and everybody would, like, got really pissed off because it was

00:28:38.040 like, dude, why are you shitting on somebody for just grinding?

00:28:40.560 Sometimes shit dries up and this guy needs a job.

00:28:43.380 Yeah.

00:28:43.860 I respect that.

00:28:45.760 By the way, I love P.F. Chang's.

00:28:47.020 When you're on the road, is there, like, a go-to restaurant when you're touring?

00:28:50.420 For me, if I can find a P.F. Chang's, I'm not sponsored by them yet, but let's change

00:28:54.600 that P.F.

00:28:57.880 Yeah.

00:28:58.720 So, I mean, you know, is there, like, do you fuck with Cheesecake Factory?

00:29:02.460 No.

00:29:02.920 I don't do anything like that, dude.

00:29:04.120 I like to eat a Jimmy John.

00:29:06.000 Yep.

00:29:06.460 I like Jimmy John's.

00:29:07.300 I like to have a nap.

00:29:09.180 And then I eat spinach and maybe chicken.

00:29:12.940 Okay.

00:29:13.720 I keep it pretty, same thing every time, almost.

00:29:16.140 All right.

00:29:16.920 Gets pretty boring sometimes.

00:29:18.300 I don't want to stop at some diners, but a lot of diners have changed over the years.

00:29:22.260 They're not the same.

00:29:22.840 Like, you go in now and it's, like, a Greek diner where they have, like, breakfast, lunch,

00:29:27.180 tire care.

00:29:28.440 Yeah.

00:29:28.740 You know.

00:29:29.220 Jean jackets.

00:29:30.000 Yeah.

00:29:30.400 It's just, like, yeah, like, unlimited denim for dessert.

00:29:33.640 And you're like, this is insane, bro.

00:29:35.440 They have a fucking velour buffet.

00:29:37.580 I can't digest any of this, dude.

00:29:39.980 Dude, they've got, they still have Crystal Pepsi.

00:29:42.740 Yeah, my cousin has a-

00:29:43.640 They have everything.

00:29:44.180 Yeah, my cousin has two pockets and a zipper stuck in his throat.

00:29:47.500 It's like, we can't even go out as a family.

00:29:49.960 You just get, they put, they do operations.

00:29:52.940 You get a zipper mouth.

00:29:54.160 It's fucking nuts, man.

00:29:55.840 Hey, good morning.

00:29:57.520 You know, you just-

00:29:58.120 Yeah, it's too much, man.

00:29:59.080 Unzipping your kid's face.

00:30:00.420 Yeah, you get an old Wham t-shirt for dessert.

00:30:02.880 Yeah, it's like, they've just, everything's like, it's like, I don't know.

00:30:07.300 It's all like, it's hard to find some of the good mom and pop places like they used to have.

00:30:11.560 They've all changed.

00:30:12.420 A lot of them are now, like, are Greek and Lebanese.

00:30:15.100 Yeah.

00:30:15.340 Which is fine, but it's just not just a breakfast diner.

00:30:17.600 It's not like, two eggs and a sausage, you know?

00:30:19.780 It's like-

00:30:20.080 Right.

00:30:20.640 Now there's like, somebody in there playing a sitar in the corner.

00:30:23.960 Yeah.

00:30:24.420 And there's like-

00:30:24.920 Casting spells.

00:30:25.680 You don't know what's going on.

00:30:26.720 Yeah.

00:30:26.900 They're selling like, one of their daughters in the bathroom.

00:30:29.280 They're trading her up for cash.

00:30:30.620 Yeah.

00:30:31.000 You start crying spiders.

00:30:32.740 Yeah.

00:30:32.920 You're like, what the fuck is going on, man?

00:30:34.840 Yeah, dude.

00:30:35.340 Stop the music.

00:30:36.620 Yeah.

00:30:37.260 Jesus.

00:30:38.040 I just wanted a hash brown.

00:30:39.700 I just wanted one hash brown.

00:30:41.860 You order a hash brown and some dude named, a black dude named Hash comes out there and

00:30:45.120 you're like, what is, everything's just changed, you know?

00:30:47.420 Yeah.

00:30:47.740 It's different, man.

00:30:49.000 It's just a different world out there.

00:30:50.220 Yeah.

00:30:50.360 I do like mom and pop.

00:30:51.280 That's why I like bars like that too.

00:30:52.780 You know what I mean?

00:30:53.220 That was kind of the annoying thing about the pandemic was that all the chain restaurants

00:30:57.640 stayed open, but all like the indie restaurants and mom and pop places took a hit.

00:31:02.820 We should have bailed them out.

00:31:04.300 All the dive bars and stuff, you know?

00:31:05.980 It's like, that's what's important, I think.

00:31:08.940 Fuck.

00:31:09.540 If I can rally around something.

00:31:10.800 Thinking about bailouts, man, I was just seeing that.

00:31:13.180 What do you think about the, um...

00:31:15.440 Christian bailout?

00:31:16.860 Christian bailout?

00:31:17.740 I don't know.

00:31:18.640 I don't know why that came into my head.

00:31:19.660 Oh, you mean Henry Affordable?

00:31:22.160 You mean, uh, who was the guy that played Indiana Jones?

00:31:26.300 Carson Ford?

00:31:27.780 Carson Ford?

00:31:29.040 Who was that?

00:31:30.900 Harrison Ford?

00:31:32.560 Yeah, Harrison Ford.

00:31:33.660 Harrison Ford.

00:31:34.560 Carson Ford.

00:31:35.980 That sounds, isn't that like an auto dealership?

00:31:39.100 Carson?

00:31:39.860 I don't know, man.

00:31:40.980 I don't know.

00:31:41.420 You freaked me out.

00:31:42.520 Okay.

00:31:43.060 Yeah.

00:31:43.440 I did.

00:31:44.000 You fucking drank at a bar for a year and a half in Key West.

00:31:47.380 You hung out with people that drank spray paint.

00:31:50.760 Yeah.

00:31:51.320 One kid.

00:31:52.360 Okay.

00:31:52.740 That's enough.

00:31:53.520 I didn't hang out with him.

00:31:54.160 I grew up with him.

00:31:54.540 I drank out with millions of people.

00:31:55.900 None of them drank spray paint.

00:31:57.900 That's just insane.

00:32:00.080 But I mean, bless him.

00:32:01.640 It doesn't sound that bad.

00:32:02.920 You've had moonshine, right?

00:32:04.300 You had to have had moonshine.

00:32:06.340 I've had at least half moonshine or crescent moon.

00:32:08.680 I don't know if I've had a full fucking thing that makes your eyes not fucking close.

00:32:11.300 No, I'm not a fucking werewolf, dude.

00:32:14.460 I'm not going to drink a full moonshine.

00:32:16.700 Oh, they have that stuff that will make you wake up inside of your cousin, dude.

00:32:19.380 That shit.

00:32:19.780 You know what I'm saying?

00:32:20.460 You'll have a family reunion and a uterus.

00:32:23.060 Oh, dude.

00:32:23.680 God.

00:32:24.620 No, thank you.

00:32:24.920 You'll wake up with a fucking four tires on your body.

00:32:27.520 You know?

00:32:28.440 On bricks and a lawn.

00:32:30.960 Good Lord.

00:32:31.620 And a dog living in your butt.

00:32:32.920 Dude, you're fucking brick Moranis.

00:32:35.340 Get me out of here.

00:32:37.160 What am I doing?

00:32:38.820 That's not an airbag.

00:32:40.000 That's a fucking condom filled with fucking jizz.

00:32:44.320 Good God.

00:32:46.460 No, thank you.

00:32:47.540 Dude, speaking of, um, oh, we're talking about football, though.

00:32:52.740 Isn't it weird with guaranteed money?

00:32:55.040 Like, Chris Cousins, Kirk, Chris, Kirk Cousins is guaranteed 80 fucking million dollars.

00:33:01.540 Don't you think that's weird?

00:33:03.120 Like, why would you even want to do good?

00:33:06.300 Oh, I think if you want, you get that money, it's hard to want to do good.

00:33:09.720 That's what I'm saying.

00:33:10.640 I think because then all you want to do is stay alive.

00:33:13.140 Yeah.

00:33:13.540 Like, as long as I'm alive these years, then I'm safe.

00:33:16.460 I get the money.

00:33:17.220 Yeah.

00:33:17.920 I get the lunches and the dinners.

00:33:20.460 Mm-hmm.

00:33:20.980 Yeah.

00:33:21.760 Because otherwise, you're just, you're like, damn, I, you know, I didn't stay alive or

00:33:27.400 I got hurt or whatever.

00:33:28.500 You're not going to risk it all.

00:33:30.280 No, you're not going to do anything, but you're just not, you know, if you throw an

00:33:33.420 interception, you're like, oh, well, that happened.

00:33:35.860 Yeah.

00:33:36.300 You should lose money for interceptions.

00:33:38.420 Mm.

00:33:39.240 You should lose money.

00:33:40.220 You should lose a million dollars if you throw an interception.

00:33:42.360 Are you going to throw a fucking interception after that?

00:33:44.980 Nope.

00:33:46.000 You're not.

00:33:46.900 But you're not going to throw a pass out of that.

00:33:48.860 You're going to call run every single play.

00:33:50.920 Yeah, but that's fine.

00:33:52.500 That's true.

00:33:53.020 It's bad if you don't have a running back and you just hand it off and then just throw

00:33:57.240 it down.

00:33:57.680 What position and what sport could you have honestly played, man?

00:34:01.180 And when you really look back at your life, you know, and what sport did you, do you think

00:34:07.480 legitimately in position you had a chance to play?

00:34:10.500 The closest?

00:34:13.260 Probably defensive lineman.

00:34:17.260 Yep.

00:34:17.900 When I was three, I was top of my game.

00:34:25.060 Really?

00:34:26.000 Yep.

00:34:27.460 And then...

00:34:27.960 Downhill, huh?

00:34:29.900 But yeah, I could still probably play for the Vikings.

00:34:32.160 No, I mean, I was an athlete up until everybody started growing.

00:34:37.640 Oh, 11.

00:34:38.420 Yeah.

00:34:39.080 So like around...

00:34:39.920 I was like pretty solid at baseball.

00:34:42.260 I played soccer, tennis, basketball.

00:34:46.200 And then everybody started growing and then I was fucking...

00:34:48.900 Where's that weed at?

00:34:50.540 Oh, really?

00:34:52.140 Do some sports.

00:34:55.100 Yeah.

00:34:55.500 There was always a kid who like didn't want to please like...

00:34:57.960 Oh, instead of just...

00:34:59.460 They didn't want to admit they didn't want to play sports.

00:35:01.280 Like, oh, so I have to have something to do to offset that, you know?

00:35:05.160 So I'll do weed, you know?

00:35:06.500 Right.

00:35:07.360 But you get to a point when everybody starts growing, like in middle school, then I was

00:35:11.620 just like, oh, I can't.

00:35:12.640 Did you not grow?

00:35:13.360 I did, but I was really late.

00:35:16.040 I was like the runt of the litter, you know what I mean?

00:35:18.160 Ooh, like Charlotte's Web.

00:35:19.460 Tricky.

00:35:19.760 Yeah, it was like Charlotte's Web, dude.

00:35:22.380 Who was like...

00:35:23.080 Was that the pig?

00:35:23.940 Yeah, little Randall or whatever his name was.

00:35:25.660 What was he?

00:35:26.060 Can you bring a picture of that thing?

00:35:27.360 Was it Rick Santorum?

00:35:28.680 What was his name?

00:35:29.460 I don't know.

00:35:32.240 Dude, did you see the thing about the...

00:35:34.000 Well, wait, what sports did you play?

00:35:35.080 You were an athlete, weren't you?

00:35:36.120 Didn't you play football?

00:35:37.560 Oh, you did?

00:35:38.120 I played basketball, yeah.

00:35:39.340 Do you still play?

00:35:40.320 I was good.

00:35:40.820 I could dunk at one time, man, which is kind of crazy.

00:35:43.240 Not like really good.

00:35:44.940 You could dunk a donut?

00:35:46.560 Oh, yeah.

00:35:49.760 And then I turned into a werewolf.

00:35:53.880 You could dunk.

00:35:54.980 I mean, that's like every guy's dream.

00:35:56.620 Or girl, sorry.

00:35:57.680 But I mean, that's like...

00:35:58.900 To dunk is like the...

00:36:00.660 I can't even imagine that.

00:36:01.820 That's very few girls' dreams, okay?

00:36:04.260 I know, but I'm just trying to be inclusive.

00:36:06.180 Because I'm fucking a good guy, man.

00:36:09.120 Did you see...

00:36:09.640 No, I'm trying to ask you.

00:36:09.880 But no, but dunking...

00:36:10.760 Remember when they had the hoops that you could adjust and like bring down to like seven

00:36:15.580 feet?

00:36:16.380 And then every kid could live out.

00:36:17.480 The white hoops, you mean?

00:36:18.180 Yeah, basically.

00:36:19.360 Yeah.

00:36:19.880 Yeah, everybody was excited.

00:36:21.840 Somebody invented that, the white hoop or whatever.

00:36:25.240 Yeah.

00:36:25.960 Like they keep making more sports to try and make sports for white people.

00:36:29.580 You notice that?

00:36:30.680 It's like, look at this beach dunking or whatever.

00:36:33.320 And it's like fucking four and a half foot goals, you know?

00:36:36.220 Do they really?

00:36:37.200 Oh, yeah.

00:36:37.640 Or it's like, look at this.

00:36:39.400 I saw the other day, there's like a paddle ball.

00:36:41.720 It's like a...

00:36:42.960 Pickleball?

00:36:44.240 Pickleball.

00:36:44.700 Pickleball's hot right now.

00:36:45.760 Pickleball, yeah.

00:36:46.400 Pickleball's fun as shit.

00:36:47.660 Pickleball's fun as shit, but it's definitely like, hey, let's go over here and do something

00:36:51.660 white before other people get over here and do it better than us.

00:36:56.020 I can see that.

00:36:56.960 I feel like it's a little old.

00:36:58.400 It's old white.

00:36:59.680 I don't know.

00:37:00.280 Like, I don't want to run that much.

00:37:01.940 It's like lazy.

00:37:03.880 I mean, it's still really fun.

00:37:05.120 I like pickleball, but it's...

00:37:05.960 The people I play with are young.

00:37:09.120 Are they really?

00:37:10.000 I mean, yeah.

00:37:10.880 I've played with 16-year-olds.

00:37:13.160 Where is this?

00:37:15.020 Tennessee, Venice.

00:37:17.180 Tennessee, Venice?

00:37:18.680 Tennessee and Venice.

00:37:21.600 Yeah, I played in Venice.

00:37:23.280 I mean, yeah, anybody can play it.

00:37:24.560 I don't know.

00:37:24.760 Yeah, so don't just say it's for old people is what I'm saying.

00:37:26.760 Well, I already did.

00:37:28.000 So fucking cancel me.

00:37:29.960 I don't know what the fuck's going on anymore.

00:37:32.060 But, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

00:37:34.060 It's a fun sport, though.

00:37:35.760 Yeah, it's fun.

00:37:37.240 There's a sport I saw the other day where they are...

00:37:39.480 What's the thing where you hit the ball around and it spins around the post?

00:37:43.820 It was like a game back in the day.

00:37:45.060 Cucumber ball.

00:37:45.640 No.

00:37:47.220 Tether ball.

00:37:48.140 Tether ball.

00:37:49.200 There is team tether ping pong now.

00:37:53.120 Look it up.

00:37:53.880 That just sounds like somebody was on acid and made a sport.

00:37:57.460 I'm telling you, this is the kind of stuff that's going on, Nick.

00:38:00.960 Tether...

00:38:01.680 What is it?

00:38:02.920 Team tether ping pong.

00:38:04.340 Can we look it up?

00:38:05.560 Dude, what about extreme erect chess?

00:38:07.840 Have you played that?

00:38:09.240 Fucking naked erect.

00:38:11.520 You jump out of a plane and you got to fucking play chess.

00:38:14.780 That's huge right now in Dubuque.

00:38:17.580 Here we go.

00:38:18.100 Right here.

00:38:19.860 Team, man.

00:38:20.380 It's like these UFC guys and then there's like handball ping pong.

00:38:22.580 Is that kind of what you're talking about right here?

00:38:24.400 No, this isn't it.

00:38:26.900 This is...

00:38:27.460 What is that?

00:38:28.020 I mean, look, just come out of the closet if this is a thing.

00:38:31.160 I'll tell you about this.

00:38:32.520 Just play with a scrotum instead of a ball.

00:38:35.080 Yeah.

00:38:35.660 And then have it hit your fucking chest.

00:38:37.700 Dude, the gayest thing I ever saw in my life, right?

00:38:40.580 Or rumored to be gay.

00:38:41.980 Was David Spade eating?

00:38:43.320 Was.

00:38:43.720 I remember there was...

00:38:49.020 I was at a Hampton Inn, right?

00:38:51.060 I'd go outside.

00:38:53.000 It was one of the...

00:38:53.680 When they'd done the upgrades in like 2005 or 7.

00:38:57.860 Which they were all late on those upgrades, those hotels.

00:39:00.280 Eh, I thought they did.

00:39:01.800 For me, they seemed to roll it out well.

00:39:04.300 But I remember that I went and there was three men in the hot tub playing Frisbee together.

00:39:12.760 And it was like they were this far from each other, right?

00:39:16.060 Oh my God.

00:39:17.180 And it was just, and I don't know if they were gay men or not, but it was like, I felt

00:39:23.320 like it was like they were, it was like a little Bermuda Triangle where if you got in

00:39:26.520 there...

00:39:27.600 You're going down.

00:39:28.860 Yeah.

00:39:29.940 If you're going down.

00:39:32.040 Yeah.

00:39:32.780 There's...

00:39:33.300 Because that, I mean, to me, that is a, like, that's like a thing of saying, hey, we're

00:39:37.240 gay without saying we're gay.

00:39:38.960 Right.

00:39:39.140 Like if you're throwing a Frisbee in a hot tub.

00:39:43.000 Right.

00:39:43.800 I mean, you're not, you can...

00:39:45.380 It's a little, well, it's weird, gay or straight or anything.

00:39:48.760 It's a little weird.

00:39:49.760 Were they white people?

00:39:51.020 Yeah.

00:39:51.560 Yeah.

00:39:52.160 One of them looked kind of Hispanic or something.

00:39:54.540 Right.

00:39:55.020 Something was, you know, had happened to them.

00:39:57.040 Yeah.

00:39:58.000 But that's, yeah, that's interesting.

00:40:00.200 But that's, um, was it a cock ring?

00:40:02.720 Or was it a Frisbee?

00:40:03.780 It was a cock ring.

00:40:04.480 They were just passing it around and then playing horseshoes with their boners where

00:40:09.160 you throw it, like, ring toss and you got to fucking land it.

00:40:12.560 So that would be gayer than that.

00:40:15.720 That's true.

00:40:15.860 Than the other Frisbee thing.

00:40:17.580 That's true.

00:40:18.340 What about, um...

00:40:19.720 What about us?

00:40:21.460 Um.

00:40:22.220 Oh, what about the, uh, did you see the thing?

00:40:24.680 What was the thing with the bailout that just happened with the...

00:40:28.160 Uh, you're talking about student loans, pretty much.

00:40:30.780 Yes.

00:40:31.180 Like, uh, yeah.

00:40:31.780 Did you get student loans when you were growing up?

00:40:33.940 No, I went to, barely graduated high school.

00:40:36.200 Really?

00:40:36.640 Yeah.

00:40:37.600 I mean, I should have gotten a loan.

00:40:39.860 I didn't go to college.

00:40:40.700 But, I mean, I just know of it.

00:40:42.020 My brother went to college and he was fucked by student loans, like, forever.

00:40:46.500 I mean, I guess everybody is.

00:40:47.700 I don't really know.

00:40:48.360 They got this bailout.

00:40:49.220 They have, so they have his bailout program.

00:40:50.480 Go up on it?

00:40:51.160 And it wasn't Christian bailout?

00:40:52.020 You see what's going on?

00:40:52.620 Well, it's basically just, like, the aftermath now of Biden saying that he's forgiving, you know,

00:40:56.720 the student loans, 10 grand for everyone.

00:40:58.400 It's like, now basically the question is becoming, is it legal?

00:41:02.000 And people are going to challenge it in court because they're saying, you know, hey, if I'd

00:41:05.500 paid off all my loans, what, like, what about me?

00:41:08.220 Right.

00:41:08.560 Any relief for me?

00:41:10.160 Right.

00:41:10.600 So, yeah.

00:41:10.880 Do you think, because that's where people are upset.

00:41:13.080 It's like, some people are like, well, I sent my kid to college.

00:41:16.380 I saved money to send him to college or her to college.

00:41:20.440 And now I'm, I've paid that money off.

00:41:24.220 Right.

00:41:24.760 And so if someone didn't do that and they have debt and you're just, that's where it's

00:41:30.820 becoming an issue.

00:41:32.340 Right.

00:41:32.880 I mean, I can see that, but it's also, those are different situations though.

00:41:37.060 I mean, some people might be really, there's got to be extenuating circumstances and factors

00:41:41.820 of why they couldn't pay it off.

00:41:44.700 Oh yeah, I think so.

00:41:45.940 But some people are just saying like, well, do I get, do I get compensated for the money

00:41:50.540 that I put in?

00:41:51.200 Should there, should there, should there be like a legitimate claim?

00:41:53.800 Yeah.

00:41:54.040 That's what it seemed like would be the solution to me is you also offer.

00:41:57.120 But then how far back does that go?

00:41:59.300 You know?

00:41:59.460 Well, that's the thing is that brings up a bigger picture.

00:42:01.520 You know, everybody can be upset about stuff like that.

00:42:04.640 I mean, some guy is a hundred and like, I was the first guy at Yale.

00:42:09.820 Yeah.

00:42:10.160 And I paid off my $10 fee.

00:42:14.580 I want 10 grand.

00:42:17.700 Yeah.

00:42:18.140 Some guy's like, I was a slave.

00:42:20.380 And they're like, you're white, buddy.

00:42:21.560 And he's like, oh, fuck my bad.

00:42:27.240 Yeah.

00:42:27.740 I mean, I don't know.

00:42:29.260 I don't know how to solve that.

00:42:30.440 I think just don't go to college.

00:42:31.940 I don't know.

00:42:35.840 Start a YouTube channel.

00:42:37.360 I don't know.

00:42:38.620 Whatever.

00:42:39.100 It's a new world now.

00:42:40.720 But I mean, yeah, I mean, I can see that because student loans.

00:42:43.600 I don't even know.

00:42:44.320 I don't even know if my brother's paid it off.

00:42:46.200 He's a fucking idiot.

00:42:47.700 Yeah.

00:42:47.900 I mean, it took me probably.

00:42:49.200 I mean, I just paid man off, I think, about two years ago.

00:42:52.060 But it's a long deal for people.

00:42:53.680 So I can understand people wanting to.

00:42:55.560 But then at a certain point, you're like, where does it end?

00:42:57.300 It's tough.

00:42:57.700 It's like, like, I think of it like someday there's going to be a thing where it's like

00:43:01.900 there's going to be a pill where it's like you can live forever.

00:43:04.360 Right.

00:43:05.740 But they're going to.

00:43:07.200 OK, say there's a pill one day you can live forever.

00:43:09.820 OK.

00:43:10.320 But they're going to say they're going to say, hey, it's for only 40 and under because

00:43:16.580 whoever's the ruler at that point, they're like, we don't really need these old heads,

00:43:20.820 you know, like you stop at a certain age.

00:43:22.660 You can't buy it after 60.

00:43:24.320 Right.

00:43:24.580 And it's just going to be that cutoff where it's like, oh, fuck, you know, like sometimes

00:43:29.300 you just have to there just has to be the thing where it's like, oh, they get this break

00:43:33.860 and I, you know, but we don't think about it like that.

00:43:36.540 Nobody wants to think like, oh, I'm happy that these people get their debt reduced.

00:43:41.540 I paid mine.

00:43:42.660 You know, nobody thinks like people are usually think, oh, well, they got they get this.

00:43:46.760 I should also get this.

00:43:47.980 Right.

00:43:48.240 Which makes sense.

00:43:50.360 It's just we don't really think the other way very often.

00:43:52.640 Well, no, I nobody really wants to be happy for anybody.

00:43:56.040 Yeah.

00:43:56.640 But it's I'm like that.

00:43:57.860 But if I'm at the bar, I'm like, why do I pay my bar tab?

00:44:01.000 Right.

00:44:01.300 Why can't they pay for it?

00:44:02.860 Because I've spent a lot of money here and maybe I should get compensated.

00:44:07.860 Yeah.

00:44:08.640 That's what I think.

00:44:10.540 Do you want all the money I spent drinking, deciding not to go to college?

00:44:13.800 Yeah.

00:44:14.500 All the money I could have saved and did say.

00:44:17.560 Do you regret not going to college?

00:44:19.520 No.

00:44:19.880 Fuck no.

00:44:20.200 Yeah.

00:44:20.700 Fuck that.

00:44:22.060 I mean, you know, it seems cool.

00:44:24.120 What would you have been?

00:44:24.900 You think carpenter or something like a.

00:44:27.420 Oh, I would have gone to carpentry college.

00:44:29.520 I would have gone to Harvard and majored in carpentry with a minor and P.F. Chang's.

00:44:35.460 Damn.

00:44:37.500 That's possible.

00:44:39.280 Dude, I could see you being a chef somewhere.

00:44:41.340 You ever consider.

00:44:41.820 I would want to be a chef.

00:44:42.600 I would also like this was this is truly my backup plan.

00:44:46.360 I want to be a teacher.

00:44:47.700 Oh, wow.

00:44:48.260 Because I just thought that would be cool.

00:44:49.760 And it's similar to stand up where like you have an audience, but you also can like help

00:44:54.740 them like do the right thing and be good people.

00:44:57.420 You know, I mean, that would that was my thing is I just thought that would be fun.

00:45:00.500 You get summers off and shit.

00:45:01.580 What grade would you teach?

00:45:02.720 You think I couldn't fucking do anything smart.

00:45:05.820 Six or under?

00:45:07.000 No.

00:45:07.320 I mean, I'm no fourth.

00:45:08.320 I'm not a blob of clay.

00:45:10.380 Oh, well, I'm just fucking God.

00:45:12.160 Dude, seven gets kind of hard.

00:45:14.660 I don't know.

00:45:14.980 Like nine, maybe eight.

00:45:17.160 What are they like going?

00:45:18.080 I don't know.

00:45:19.620 Nothing.

00:45:20.100 Like I couldn't fucking teach like trigonometry or some shit or pickleball.

00:45:25.880 But dude, nine.

00:45:27.120 Everybody's got cum in their bag and everything at school.

00:45:29.760 What?

00:45:30.800 Nine is shady, dude.

00:45:32.400 Every dude that's coming to your class stayed up all night freaking spanking it in his bed.

00:45:38.060 Did you go to school at Alcatraz?

00:45:39.920 What the fuck?

00:45:41.600 Oh, my God.

00:45:42.580 I went to human high school, dude.

00:45:44.380 I don't know where you went.

00:45:45.920 You went to grade school on Epstein Island?

00:45:48.120 I'm just telling you.

00:45:50.140 Jesus.

00:45:51.020 I didn't see it like that.

00:45:52.700 I just thought it was fun.

00:45:53.660 I just thought when I was happiest.

00:45:55.060 Dude, I grew up in the damn skeet belt, bro.

00:45:57.080 I'm just telling you.

00:45:57.840 Yeah, no shit.

00:45:58.760 Ninth grade is a real skeeter's paradise, dude.

00:46:00.920 You were just fucking tossing Miracle Whip in people's faces like a fucking Silence of

00:46:06.380 the Lambs person.

00:46:10.160 That's a skeeter's paradise.

00:46:12.600 Dude, ninth grade, you were just making skeet.

00:46:15.040 I mean, what else were you doing?

00:46:16.220 No, I said nine.

00:46:17.100 Age nine.

00:46:17.680 Not ninth grade.

00:46:18.680 Oh, fuck no.

00:46:19.020 I was talking about ninth grade.

00:46:19.940 Oh, no.

00:46:20.720 What the fuck?

00:46:21.560 No, I said nine years old.

00:46:23.540 Like third grade.

00:46:24.720 Oh, dude.

00:46:25.480 Oh, not grade nine.

00:46:27.020 Oh, yeah.

00:46:28.200 Thank God.

00:46:29.080 This got pretty sick.

00:46:32.740 Yeah, no, not at all.

00:46:34.620 No, like fun, happy children.

00:46:36.800 Guide them to fucking be happy.

00:46:39.120 What?

00:46:39.700 And have a nice life.

00:46:40.780 I don't know.

00:46:41.360 I just thought it would be fun to be a teacher.

00:46:43.540 Okay.

00:46:44.040 Because it's like doing stand-up.

00:46:45.000 You got like a crowd.

00:46:46.060 You got fun.

00:46:46.620 You get like, I always like the cool teachers and like the cool school bus drivers and the

00:46:50.940 cool, you know what I mean?

00:46:52.040 I just thought that was fun and cool.

00:46:53.900 What about spankings?

00:46:54.960 They just, did you ever get spanked before?

00:46:56.640 Dude, yeah, my dad used to fucking beat me.

00:46:59.140 Really?

00:46:59.480 Not like full on, but like he would take a wooden spoon and shit.

00:47:03.620 And like, you learn from that.

00:47:05.260 I don't know.

00:47:06.240 Dude, they had, they just got in Missouri.

00:47:08.800 Do you see this?

00:47:09.340 The Missouri School District reinstate spanking as punishment.

00:47:14.280 Where's that at, Zach?

00:47:15.760 It's Cassville School District.

00:47:19.120 Cassville.

00:47:19.880 Cassville.

00:47:21.300 Cassville, you know.

00:47:22.120 That sounds like a lot of rules don't apply there.

00:47:24.180 A lot of things are coming back in Catsville.

00:47:26.220 I don't think it's just spanking.

00:47:28.840 I think there's some witchcraft.

00:47:30.940 Can you zoom in on it a little bit so I can see a little bit more of it, man?

00:47:33.080 Yeah, it's a town of 4,000 just outside of Springfield near the Arkansas border.

00:47:38.760 But yeah, so they, I guess, basically, they realized that it was within the code that they

00:47:43.380 could do it.

00:47:44.120 So I guess the teacher started doing it and no one said anything.

00:47:47.800 They realized it was within the code?

00:47:51.280 Yeah, man.

00:47:52.360 Within God's jurisdiction.

00:47:52.960 I want to read the Catskill code.

00:47:55.260 I'm sure there's a lot of fucking topics on there.

00:47:57.580 Let me see this.

00:47:57.600 Let me go back, Zach.

00:47:59.740 So that's kind of right there.

00:48:00.320 Let's go back, please.

00:48:02.200 But it is something that has happened on my, uh.

00:48:05.080 Their code, they also have, like, if you get caught dancing, you can get hit with a rock.

00:48:09.780 They have, like, I'm sure they have other shit.

00:48:11.180 So it says down here, it's allowed, parents were recently notified of the policy in June

00:48:16.040 and it's allowed only as a last resort and with written permission from parents.

00:48:19.860 Oh, that's fair.

00:48:20.560 The parent has to approve that the teacher.

00:48:22.060 Okay, all right.

00:48:22.840 At least there's some.

00:48:24.060 Yeah, I just hope Albert Pujols isn't your freaking teacher.

00:48:26.600 That's the thing.

00:48:27.720 I remember, did you ever get spanked?

00:48:30.780 Not in school.

00:48:32.140 Really?

00:48:32.620 No.

00:48:34.140 Did you at Alcatraz?

00:48:35.400 Yeah, I got spanked two times, man.

00:48:37.360 Whipped your fucking nutsack?

00:48:38.640 Oh, dude, we had one man, this man, Spanky, what was his name?

00:48:44.120 Spanky?

00:48:44.880 No, this man named Lawton McKee.

00:48:47.040 Bring up a picture of Lawton McKee.

00:48:50.940 Where the hell were you going to find a picture of Lawton McKee?

00:48:54.320 Huh?

00:48:54.840 Lawton's kind of a cool name, though.

00:48:56.420 The web, Lawton.

00:48:57.980 Oh, so he's, it's spelled like law.

00:49:00.660 L-A-W?

00:49:01.560 Yeah.

00:49:02.760 Oh, I thought it was like L-A-U-G-H-T-O-N.

00:49:05.920 Lawton McKee.

00:49:06.800 Let's see.

00:49:08.400 Okay, what did he do?

00:49:09.700 See if you can see a picture of him.

00:49:10.920 I can't see shit.

00:49:13.580 I don't, I don't see.

00:49:14.160 He's the second row over there, the white guy, far to the right, not, right there, yeah.

00:49:18.940 What's the deal with this guy?

00:49:21.040 This dude used to spank us, man.

00:49:24.060 That guy, he's on the internet?

00:49:26.080 Yeah, dude.

00:49:27.120 Why?

00:49:28.420 Look at my stupid face.

00:49:29.300 Why?

00:49:29.780 He's a fucking legend, dude.

00:49:31.800 That guy spanked you?

00:49:33.160 Oh, that guy beat me to, he really beat me into frickin' decency.

00:49:37.540 Oh my gosh.

00:49:38.780 And they would also, uh, if he was bad, they'd spank you, and he had one tooth that was rotten

00:49:45.320 in his mouth.

00:49:46.680 Looked like a damn up.

00:49:47.260 What?

00:49:47.500 That guy looks like...

00:49:48.940 This looked like a headlamp.

00:49:50.200 He looks like Ken's boyfriend from Barbie.

00:49:52.680 Oh, this...

00:49:53.360 Oh, dude.

00:49:54.440 Wait, let me zoom in on him a little.

00:49:57.280 Oh, that's not even him, dude.

00:49:59.700 Yeah, that guy's never spanked anybody.

00:50:02.060 That guy does own a leather swing set.

00:50:03.900 Go over the top left, those people hugging.

00:50:06.480 That's him.

00:50:07.340 What is that?

00:50:08.420 Dude, he had that one, yeah, he had one large yellow grill piece in the front.

00:50:12.520 Looked like one of those miner's lights on one of those kids that got trapped, you know?

00:50:16.500 He just had a candy corn smile.

00:50:18.820 Oh, he had that fucking, he had that fucking smile lamp, baby.

00:50:22.760 You know what I'm saying, dude?

00:50:23.320 Yeah, the smile lamp.

00:50:24.600 He could trick-or-treat year-round, bro.

00:50:26.520 He really had that built-in, you know?

00:50:28.480 He could go into the depths of the earth and trick-or-treat.

00:50:31.020 Yeah, bro, he could hunt octopus.

00:50:32.780 He had that fucking...

00:50:34.600 He could go to Middle Earth and try to find doorbells.

00:50:37.540 Yeah, he had that little glow baby inside of his grill.

00:50:40.840 He had a glow worm.

00:50:42.460 He had a glow worm grill.

00:50:44.100 Yeah.

00:50:45.280 Good gosh.

00:50:46.380 Yeah, no, I never...

00:50:47.180 But he would spank us, man.

00:50:48.640 Did you ever get with...

00:50:49.340 What?

00:50:49.760 He would spank you.

00:50:51.560 And he would even...

00:50:52.880 Why are you looking at your penis?

00:50:53.940 Because I'm just trying to remember what he would do.

00:50:55.560 He would have you hold onto the desk like that, and he would spank your butt with that paddle.

00:51:01.320 And then they had another man named Bill Brady that used to spank me over at a different school.

00:51:06.840 Other schools joined in on hurting you?

00:51:09.100 Oh, they all let you spank when I was a child, man.

00:51:11.640 They let you get spanked.

00:51:13.080 They'll just hand you off.

00:51:14.620 Well, you were at that school.

00:51:15.840 If you were bad, you got freaking spanked.

00:51:18.200 That's back when there was a little bit of trust in the system, you know?

00:51:21.320 Okay.

00:51:22.100 So that's what this place is saying, that they're going to go back to that.

00:51:25.680 As long as the parents give permission.

00:51:27.420 They give permission.

00:51:29.260 They're all going to sign off on that, by the way.

00:51:31.460 Oh.

00:51:31.860 That'd be like...

00:51:32.500 Heartbeat.

00:51:33.080 And then that'd be great if they had like a meter of how hard you can do it.

00:51:36.400 Yeah.

00:51:36.620 Like a spice level.

00:51:37.560 Yeah, give them a seven.

00:51:38.100 At a restaurant.

00:51:38.820 Yeah.

00:51:39.100 Yeah.

00:51:39.800 Give them a da bomb.

00:51:41.960 Give them a da bomb.

00:51:43.340 Yeah.

00:51:43.880 Give them a fucking splatter, Gorys.

00:51:46.500 Oh.

00:51:46.660 Yeah.

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00:53:17.880 Yeah, did you ever get hit with a switch?

00:53:19.540 That was one thing I never...

00:53:20.680 We never did that.

00:53:21.980 That's like very witchcraft, huh?

00:53:23.680 I don't know, but that was one thing.

00:53:25.180 I remember Adrian Peterson, running back, got busted switching his kid.

00:53:33.180 That ruined it for you guys.

00:53:34.260 He hit his jennies or something.

00:53:35.820 Oh, really?

00:53:36.560 Yeah, it was like bad.

00:53:37.520 But I guess he was like, that's how...

00:53:39.120 But I'd heard of a switch, but I'd never experienced it.

00:53:41.780 And black kid, probably big jennies, easy to accidentally hit.

00:53:45.580 That's a valid point.

00:53:46.880 Valid point, healthy jennie.

00:53:48.360 When you're swinging a triple the jennies on a kid, what do you...

00:53:51.420 You know, it's not...

00:53:51.960 It's, you know...

00:53:53.000 Yeah, you don't haymaker jennies, dude.

00:53:55.280 That's not what we do.

00:53:56.800 What's the...

00:53:58.000 When do you lose your virginity, man?

00:54:01.000 Oh, fuck.

00:54:04.280 Fifteen.

00:54:05.060 Really?

00:54:05.880 Yeah.

00:54:07.160 It was pretty...

00:54:08.080 It was...

00:54:08.540 Yeah.

00:54:09.400 Was it cool or not?

00:54:10.980 It was all right.

00:54:12.320 It was kind of confusing, but exciting.

00:54:14.620 Yeah.

00:54:14.800 But also, it was like...

00:54:15.820 It was on a church retreat.

00:54:17.640 Were y'all indoors or outdoors?

00:54:19.020 It was outdoors.

00:54:20.060 Yeah.

00:54:20.740 Yeah.

00:54:21.560 What about you?

00:54:22.380 Mine was outdoors as well.

00:54:28.460 What was Alcatraz?

00:54:30.160 I think I was 17, you know?

00:54:32.600 It's a solid age.

00:54:34.240 And it was outdoors behind a bowling alley, actually, that just got cordoned off or whatever

00:54:43.300 it's called.

00:54:44.520 Cordon Bleu?

00:54:45.740 They stuffed it with bacon, you think?

00:54:47.740 Yeah.

00:54:47.900 No, they just shut it down.

00:54:50.740 The bowling alley?

00:54:51.660 Mm-hmm.

00:54:51.980 Or your penis?

00:54:53.040 The bowling alley.

00:54:53.960 Okay.

00:54:54.560 God shut my penis down years ago.

00:54:56.520 Dude, you were filming fucking Small Lebowski?

00:54:59.160 Filming Smallville over there.

00:55:01.860 Good God.

00:55:02.860 On a church retreat?

00:55:04.220 That's crazy.

00:55:05.360 Dude, we were fucking...

00:55:06.580 I mean, ugh.

00:55:07.780 We were just shitty kids.

00:55:09.980 Really?

00:55:10.400 What was happening?

00:55:10.920 Oh, my God.

00:55:11.100 We were doing drugs, and we were going church retreats.

00:55:13.900 And was God out there or not?

00:55:15.200 God was not present.

00:55:16.600 Oh, damn.

00:55:16.840 What?

00:55:17.300 He peaced out on our trips.

00:55:20.440 We were stealing everything.

00:55:22.080 Where were y'all?

00:55:23.820 Fucking Minnesota, and we would go out.

00:55:25.420 Were y'all stealing cheese from each other?

00:55:26.980 We would stop.

00:55:27.680 Yeah.

00:55:28.560 We would take our cheese butt plugs.

00:55:30.400 Yeah.

00:55:31.100 No, we would stop at a store, and we would fucking just...

00:55:35.240 Just loot?

00:55:36.680 I mean, just covert.

00:55:39.180 But yeah, but we were high as fuck.

00:55:41.100 I mean, we were just crazy.

00:55:43.300 It's terrible.

00:55:43.900 And why was the church driving y'all around then?

00:55:46.520 I don't even understand.

00:55:46.960 We were going on like a retreat of whatever we were supposed to do.

00:55:50.300 I don't remember.

00:55:51.260 Yeah.

00:55:52.280 Yeah.

00:55:52.660 It was pretty...

00:55:53.680 Yeah, we went rogue.

00:55:55.320 But I mean, you know, shit.

00:55:56.860 When you're a teenager, you just...

00:55:58.660 There's no rules.

00:55:59.700 You're just fucking bonkers.

00:56:01.080 I remember I got caught stealing.

00:56:02.200 I stole to impress this girl one time.

00:56:04.600 This girl showed up with tits, and we'd never seen them.

00:56:07.360 Right.

00:56:07.600 You know, we're like, Jesus, you know?

00:56:09.580 We were looking on maps.

00:56:10.920 What is it?

00:56:11.560 You know?

00:56:11.920 And she had damn tits on her brother.

00:56:13.700 How big were they?

00:56:14.740 Oh, big as you...

00:56:16.240 I mean, you couldn't even see them all at once.

00:56:17.920 You had to kind of back up and get your buddy to look at the same time.

00:56:20.280 Good God.

00:56:21.200 Baby, they was big.

00:56:22.860 So what?

00:56:23.520 You guys were in the circus?

00:56:25.020 They were big.

00:56:25.980 No, I was at YMCA.

00:56:27.800 Okay.

00:56:28.300 Summer camp.

00:56:29.980 And Mr. Brad would come out there, and he was losing his hair.

00:56:33.200 And he'd come out there and make us do, like, little tricks in the pool and shit, bro.

00:56:39.540 I think he was probably...

00:56:40.600 Something was wrong with him.

00:56:41.620 Yeah.

00:56:42.520 But anyway, this girl came.

00:56:44.640 Her name was Bridget, I think.

00:56:46.580 And I think she actually died a couple years ago, and I hate to say that, but I do believe that.

00:56:52.380 You believe it, or it did happen?

00:56:54.860 It happened.

00:56:55.840 I don't want to say...

00:56:56.400 I just don't want to say her life.

00:56:57.240 I don't want people going and looking at her and commenting on her thing or whatever.

00:57:00.420 Her dead boobs.

00:57:01.560 Yeah, dude.

00:57:02.740 I mean, bro, they had to have a casket with two Easter baskets off to the side of it, baby.

00:57:08.280 Oh, my God.

00:57:09.100 She had them fucking lurkers, baby.

00:57:11.380 You know what I'm talking about?

00:57:11.900 Dude, they were just trying to turn into the blob and, like, trying to get off of her body.

00:57:15.400 Oh, bro.

00:57:15.940 They were just...

00:57:16.700 I'm on the porch.

00:57:17.480 I'm going to ring them more bells, baby.

00:57:19.280 You know what I'm saying?

00:57:20.060 She had them...

00:57:20.440 I like that.

00:57:21.420 She had them freaking big speakers, them 22s on her, baby.

00:57:25.100 Those were the first cowbells.

00:57:27.360 Oh, yeah.

00:57:28.200 She had those freaking damn.

00:57:29.960 She had some fucking buff udders.

00:57:31.600 A couple buffets, baby.

00:57:33.480 You know what I'm saying, boy?

00:57:34.300 They got to open buff udders.

00:57:35.760 Oh, dude.

00:57:36.560 It's a fucking strip club.

00:57:37.240 I'll just put one of those nipples in my damn butthole, brother.

00:57:40.080 She really had those things.

00:57:41.180 Fuck, yeah.

00:57:43.680 What was that?

00:57:44.400 Oh, we got...

00:57:45.240 But me and my buddy got busted stealing somewhere trying to impress her.

00:57:49.420 What did you steal?

00:57:50.400 I stole this hat.

00:57:51.780 It was like the dumbest hat.

00:57:52.960 It was like a sock hat, and you put it on, and it was just like this tall sock coming

00:57:58.700 off your head.

00:57:59.400 Was it for her tits?

00:58:00.720 It was just to be cool, you know?

00:58:02.980 We sold it from like a Claire's boutique.

00:58:05.060 Yeah.

00:58:05.720 And I remember she saw us getting cuffed, me and this other kid.

00:58:09.320 Oh, you got full on busted.

00:58:10.700 Yeah.

00:58:11.580 They cuffed you, so you had to wait until they called the cops or something?

00:58:15.740 Security could cuff you.

00:58:16.740 Did you point at her tits and go, this made me do it?

00:58:19.120 No, but I would have been awesome, dude.

00:58:21.280 Shit, dude.

00:58:21.300 That would have gotten you off for sure.

00:58:23.320 You're like, was anybody working with you?

00:58:25.220 You're like, yeah.

00:58:27.220 There's two accomplices right there.

00:58:30.380 Punch and Judy.

00:58:32.740 She had them freaking...

00:58:34.580 Wow, boy.

00:58:35.600 She had them freaking cowboys, you know?

00:58:38.600 Fucking moon balloons.

00:58:39.960 Oh, she fucking...

00:58:40.840 Woo!

00:58:41.840 Woo!

00:58:43.580 God damn.

00:58:45.120 Damn, brother.

00:58:46.640 Man.

00:58:47.440 You got bought...

00:58:48.160 Is that still on your record?

00:58:49.220 Can you go to Canada?

00:58:50.460 I can go to Canada.

00:58:51.320 I just don't think I can go to like the mall in Slidell, Louisiana.

00:58:54.780 We used to go camp out, dude.

00:58:55.800 Okay, that's probably good.

00:58:56.060 I doubt that's open.

00:58:56.900 We'd be so excited to go to the mall, we'd go over there and camp out.

00:59:00.160 We'd get a tent, we'd go to the mall the day, and we'd camp out at night, and then go

00:59:04.280 again the next day.

00:59:05.820 Did you think there was going to be a line to get in?

00:59:08.100 Were you paranoid about that?

00:59:09.120 No, it was just far to get over there.

00:59:10.720 And so it was like, you know, we drove probably 18 miles to get over there, so we didn't want

00:59:15.280 to, you know, drive back and drive back.

00:59:18.700 Right.

00:59:19.000 So what would you do immediately when the mall opened?

00:59:23.040 Just go in there?

00:59:24.180 Just go in there and just run around naked?

00:59:26.500 No, just be by the AC, be by the fountain, make wishes, go to the shoe shop, go to the,

00:59:30.900 you know, poster store.

00:59:32.660 They had a big poster store in there, I remember?

00:59:34.560 I know.

00:59:35.040 Remember when posters were big?

00:59:36.220 Fuck yeah, I do.

00:59:37.300 What'd you get?

00:59:37.980 I loved, I was like obsessed with just, I'm such a sports freak, so my whole wall was

00:59:44.940 athletes.

00:59:45.920 Like Steve Setzler, like old Minnesota Vikings?

00:59:48.420 It would be Vikings, and then some athletes I just thought were cool, like everybody had

00:59:52.640 a Bo Jackson poster, you know what I mean?

00:59:54.860 He was just, he was fucking Bo Jackson, dude.

00:59:57.320 Oh God.

00:59:58.360 Dude, I had, you know, all those dudes.

01:00:01.540 Uwe Blab, you know what I mean?

01:00:04.200 Could you be black, you think?

01:00:06.140 Could I be black?

01:00:07.280 Like, could you handle it?

01:00:09.680 I don't, I don't know.

01:00:11.660 I don't, I don't know if I could handle it.

01:00:13.980 I, um.

01:00:15.140 You couldn't?

01:00:16.460 Probably not.

01:00:17.620 But I did grow up, I grew up in the inner city, so I was like hip to rap music and all

01:00:23.560 that shit, and playing hoop and shit, and I remember I had, I was 12 years old, 12 to

01:00:30.220 13, and I had a short dogs in the house poster, the album, it was one of my favorite albums,

01:00:36.940 too short became a buddy of mine, and, uh, but I had that poster over my bed, and my mom

01:00:41.400 was like, oh, look at that, they're dogs, that's fun.

01:00:45.880 It was all these dogs, like, just fucking chilling, like, Oaktown, and she just had no idea, and

01:00:51.520 then there was another rapper named Paris, and I had a poster of him, it said, the devil

01:00:55.160 made me do it.

01:00:56.000 Bring him up, Paris, see what it is.

01:00:58.760 But I thought it was badass.

01:01:00.080 And he's black or white?

01:01:01.160 He was black.

01:01:02.100 But my mom was like, oh, Paris.

01:01:03.780 Dude, remember, this was before they had any Mexican people, remember that?

01:01:07.160 Before, I think they had Mexican people.

01:01:09.160 But not in a, they didn't have a, you know what I'm saying, it used to be like, do you

01:01:12.120 remember growing up, there wasn't a lot of Mexican people around?

01:01:15.060 Like, not in, not in Louisiana, not in Minnesota.

01:01:17.920 I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

01:01:20.360 Name seven Mexicans from your childhood.

01:01:23.860 Gary.

01:01:24.540 Yeah, there you go.

01:01:25.820 And Gary is a fake Mexican.

01:01:26.740 My friend Salvador, I grew up with it.

01:01:28.380 Okay, that's one guy, dude, and he's probably from, I'm not gonna, I'm just gonna guess.

01:01:31.740 That's El Salvador.

01:01:33.580 I never asked him about that.

01:01:35.040 I think I just didn't want to know.

01:01:36.860 Yeah, I'm not saying anything about it.

01:01:37.740 I'm just saying it's just interesting how things change over time.

01:01:40.600 Yeah, I know what you're saying.

01:01:42.040 But it was funny, like.

01:01:42.820 Did you see him, Paris?

01:01:43.440 Did we see him?

01:01:43.960 Yeah.

01:01:44.540 Oh, you did?

01:01:45.020 I didn't get a good look.

01:01:45.900 I'm sorry.

01:01:46.620 Oh, there he is, huh?

01:01:47.500 But yeah, posters are the shit, dude.

01:01:49.540 Like, growing up with posters, it was a big deal.

01:01:51.640 Posters were so good.

01:01:52.660 Remember when you got a poster and you put it up?

01:01:54.720 Did you put up the pins in it, or did you put the little yellow tack stuff behind it

01:01:58.540 and tack it directly to the wall like a poor person?

01:02:01.740 I did, I think, I don't know if we had stickums back then, that tape that was sticky on both sides.

01:02:07.580 Oh, we didn't have that.

01:02:08.720 Yeah.

01:02:09.480 I think that was one summer where we were affluent.

01:02:12.760 Yeah.

01:02:13.220 And then it was fucking Tic Tacs.

01:02:15.480 Downhill?

01:02:16.200 Yeah.

01:02:16.380 It's funny, because I still did that.

01:02:19.560 My place now, I'm 45 years old, and I found this poster.

01:02:23.280 It was an old James Bond poster, vintage.

01:02:25.900 It was really cool.

01:02:27.400 And I put up my living room, and I hammered it in.

01:02:30.700 I didn't frame it or anything.

01:02:32.920 And my roommate was like, bro, what are you doing?

01:02:36.020 And I'm like, putting up this poster.

01:02:38.760 And he goes, when are you going to frame?

01:02:41.200 I'm just literally hammering it.

01:02:42.800 I'm like, still that, I just, I don't know.

01:02:45.880 I know.

01:02:46.320 Literally, so I still do this shit.

01:02:49.280 My buddy, Jason, it's open for me.

01:02:51.780 Uh-huh.

01:02:52.780 Um, and he goes, we did the gig, and I go, okay, I'll send you a check.

01:02:57.040 And he goes, what do you mean?

01:02:59.220 And I go, I'll mail you a check for the gig to pay you.

01:03:01.840 And he goes, it's Venmo-y.

01:03:03.900 Yeah.

01:03:04.180 And I'm like, oh, right, right, right.

01:03:05.980 But I was still going to go through finding an envelope.

01:03:09.800 Oh, I remember there was something with you.

01:03:11.400 One time I had to send you some money, and you were like, yeah, just mail me a check.

01:03:13.680 I'm like, yeah, that's right.

01:03:15.840 How do I even do that, dude?

01:03:18.820 Yeah, it's so stupid.

01:03:20.200 Dude, yesterday, I remember looking for stamps.

01:03:23.800 Looking for stamps.

01:03:26.040 What am I, fucking Opie from Andy Griffith's show?

01:03:30.540 Dude, I picked up a pencil the other day, and it blew my mind.

01:03:35.240 Right.

01:03:35.800 It blew, I picked up a pencil, and I was like, no way.

01:03:41.560 It's like going back in time.

01:03:44.080 Yeah, they're little time machines.

01:03:46.100 Yeah.

01:03:46.360 Dude, imagine when they had a feather with fucking ink.

01:03:48.780 That's how they signed half of our documents and our history was just fucking, and then

01:03:57.000 dip it in some witch blood and then sign it.

01:04:00.740 Somebody's like, oh, look what I got you for Christmas, a package of pens.

01:04:03.700 And it's just like, oh, do I eat this chicken?

01:04:07.620 No, you're right with it.

01:04:08.980 Yes, yes, yes.

01:04:09.400 And then fuck it.

01:04:10.220 Yeah.

01:04:10.680 Yeah, that's how they grew up.

01:04:12.740 I'm not wrong on that.

01:04:13.540 Yes, sex, dinner, and then literacy.

01:04:17.180 This is fucking...

01:04:18.460 And then we draw a picture of a butthole.

01:04:23.700 Yeah, that's how people rolled.

01:04:25.780 Dude, did you know that no two buttholes are the same?

01:04:28.820 I did not know that, thank God.

01:04:31.740 That'd be weird if I was like, yeah, no, I know.

01:04:34.160 But isn't that really interesting?

01:04:35.880 I don't know how that's possible.

01:04:37.700 Where was this?

01:04:38.740 Huh?

01:04:40.140 Did you learn that from Spade?

01:04:41.940 No, man, it's the fingerprint of the gods, baby, the b-hole, son.

01:04:45.240 How can they prove that?

01:04:46.520 That back jaw.

01:04:49.420 Why are we pulling up a picture of it?

01:04:51.720 We're not doing a picture because we'll get fined or whatever.

01:04:54.700 Who came to that conclusion?

01:04:56.920 I knew this.

01:04:57.760 It's funny, I knew this.

01:04:59.140 Yeah, of course you did.

01:05:01.760 Let's get some intel.

01:05:02.640 Can you click on something with some decent information on it?

01:05:05.060 Yeah, I'm trying to find some signs here.

01:05:08.300 Okay.

01:05:09.420 Oh, by the way, back to hotels.

01:05:10.960 I don't know what we were talking about earlier.

01:05:12.780 This is a true story about travels.

01:05:14.840 Okay.

01:05:15.360 And I remember one time I was going to Vegas.

01:05:17.280 Mm-hmm.

01:05:18.420 And I would go every 4th of July, me and my buddies,

01:05:21.280 and we would get fireworks because they're illegal in Nevada.

01:05:25.960 So I was like, dude, we're always paying a lot of money to stay in Vegas,

01:05:29.680 like get a nice room at Bellagio or something.

01:05:31.640 And then I'm like, dude, what are we doing?

01:05:33.540 Why don't we stay at the Travel Lodge?

01:05:35.060 It's like 50 bucks.

01:05:36.780 And we said, we're not even in the room.

01:05:38.100 We're in Vegas.

01:05:38.960 Mm-hmm.

01:05:39.500 So they're like, yeah.

01:05:41.460 So we drive to Vegas, get in the room, check in.

01:05:44.720 Where is it?

01:05:45.060 How far from the strip is it?

01:05:46.820 It's not far.

01:05:47.480 10 minutes, maybe.

01:05:48.340 That's so far.

01:05:49.240 And so if that, maybe five.

01:05:52.200 And then we get in the room, and my buddy goes to use the bathroom,

01:05:56.420 and I put my shit down.

01:05:58.320 And he goes, let's get the fuck out of here, man.

01:06:00.260 And I go, what do you mean?

01:06:00.860 We just got here.

01:06:01.880 And he goes, nope.

01:06:02.520 Tell everybody we're leaving.

01:06:03.400 And I go, we just got here, bro.

01:06:04.600 I'm tired.

01:06:05.760 And he goes, okay, go in the bathroom.

01:06:08.140 There's diarrhea on the wall.

01:06:10.140 Oh.

01:06:10.860 Diarrhea on the wall.

01:06:12.120 And was like a message or something?

01:06:14.120 No, I wish.

01:06:15.320 It was just confusing.

01:06:16.680 It was just like splatter.

01:06:18.860 But it wasn't like, hey, put all your money on red,

01:06:23.580 or something that would have been a hot tip.

01:06:25.460 Yeah.

01:06:26.060 You know, the Colts are going to win the Super Bowl.

01:06:28.980 Diarrhea.

01:06:30.280 No.

01:06:30.960 It was just diarrhea.

01:06:32.520 And then I was like, oh, that's why you don't get a cheap hotel room.

01:06:36.380 Wow.

01:06:37.280 I don't think all travel lodges are like that.

01:06:39.420 Yeah.

01:06:39.780 But that did happen, so hopefully they cleaned it.

01:06:41.900 But I was, then we went to the Bellagio,

01:06:45.020 and I spent like $1,000 for the room.

01:06:47.180 Damn.

01:06:47.780 It would have been great if there was diarrhea on the wall in that room, too.

01:06:51.800 Dude, I.

01:06:52.320 But with like a bunch of money, like against the wall with diarrhea.

01:06:55.860 Oh, against it?

01:06:56.280 And you had to like.

01:06:56.780 Yeah, like.

01:06:57.840 That would have been cool, though.

01:06:58.900 Like take your chances, kind of?

01:07:00.420 Yeah.

01:07:01.280 Totally.

01:07:03.160 I'll tell you the craziest story that I ever heard.

01:07:06.060 Jesus.

01:07:06.900 This is the craziest story that I ever heard, right?

01:07:09.140 So that happened to somebody while touring on comedy.

01:07:12.160 So there was a man, right?

01:07:15.920 And he was a comedian.

01:07:17.440 And he had another man who was an opener.

01:07:19.420 The opener, right?

01:07:20.720 So after a show one night, the headliner, like this lady, like this hot chick, just beelines up to him.

01:07:30.040 Right?

01:07:30.360 And it's like flirting with him at the bar, in the lobby, and blah, blah, blah.

01:07:33.680 She's like all over him.

01:07:35.300 She's like, let's go back to my place and hang out, right?

01:07:38.980 And he's like, he felt like it was almost like a little too like aggressive.

01:07:42.240 Like this almost feels weird.

01:07:44.020 Right.

01:07:45.020 So she's like, let's go back to my place and hang out.

01:07:47.960 And he's like, no, no, you know, let's just go back to my hotel.

01:07:51.560 It's not far from here.

01:07:52.360 So they go to his hotel.

01:07:54.540 They start making out in his hotel room.

01:07:56.500 And she's like, let's get out of here.

01:07:57.720 I got some drugs and stuff back at my place.

01:08:00.240 Let's go.

01:08:02.060 And it was like 40 minutes away where her place was.

01:08:05.460 So he's like, no, I'm not going to do that.

01:08:07.580 It's already like 2 a.m. or whatever.

01:08:09.040 I'm not doing that.

01:08:10.280 So she like gets violent, throws a book at him in the hotel room.

01:08:14.300 Like it was a Bible or a phone book, you know, the two books they have.

01:08:17.820 So then he kicks her out of the room.

01:08:20.740 When she's leaving, she stops at the opener's room, right?

01:08:23.680 Because she knew what room he was staying in.

01:08:26.100 Right.

01:08:26.120 She gets the opener up.

01:08:28.600 They leave and go out to her house, right, wherever it is.

01:08:31.860 Take a taxi out there.

01:08:35.000 She and him start making out in some room.

01:08:38.140 She's like, let me put some handcuffs on you.

01:08:40.980 So she handcuffs him to the bed.

01:08:43.300 They took some drugs or something that they had at the house.

01:08:46.000 She starts giving him a blowjob.

01:08:48.580 And then she passes out, right?

01:08:51.660 So he's like chained to the bed trying to wake this gal up, you know,

01:08:55.820 this blowjobbing gal.

01:08:57.160 Right.

01:08:58.140 You know, who's on, you know, break or whatever, you know?

01:09:01.580 He's trying to wake her up.

01:09:03.560 Some headlights come across the window, right?

01:09:06.420 Right.

01:09:07.120 And like go across the wall like somebody pulled into the driveway outside.

01:09:10.940 So now the dude is like, what the fuck, bro?

01:09:14.540 Like what is going on?

01:09:16.020 And he hears a door open to the house.

01:09:19.400 So he's in there chained up.

01:09:21.220 The girl's just like asleep in his lap.

01:09:24.180 A guy, an adult man walks by, walks by the front of, walks by the room.

01:09:28.760 The room door's open, the hallway.

01:09:30.660 Walks right by, kind of peeks in a little bit.

01:09:33.040 Goes in the kitchen, starts making some food, right?

01:09:36.040 The dude's chained to this bed, bro.

01:09:38.360 Oh, my God.

01:09:39.240 And he's got a half of a blowjob.

01:09:41.940 He's still trying to wake the girl to get a quick rest of a blowjob or to get out of there, right?

01:09:47.520 So the guy sits in there.

01:09:50.520 He hears the man sitting there watching television and eating.

01:09:53.720 Oh, my God.

01:09:54.560 The dude comes back in a little while later, picks the girl up, takes her out of the room, carries her out of the room, right?

01:10:03.500 Then comes back into the room with the dude and said and asked him what was going on, right?

01:10:11.740 And the kid tried to tell him, like, you know, I just, this is what happened.

01:10:14.940 This is what happened.

01:10:16.100 And the guy finished blowjobbing the dude.

01:10:22.120 That's amazing.

01:10:23.700 Let him go, right?

01:10:25.180 Right.

01:10:25.920 And told him if he ever came back onto his property or whatever, he was going to fucking kill him.

01:10:30.360 Or if he ever caught him with his daughter or something again, he was going to kill him.

01:10:32.720 Right.

01:10:33.100 It's a happy story.

01:10:35.040 So then, anyway, the kid gets to, like, a payphone or whatever.

01:10:39.740 Right.

01:10:40.100 And calls back to the hotel.

01:10:42.420 And the other convict who kicked the girl out got in a taxi or whatever and came and got him.

01:10:48.240 Jesus.

01:10:48.940 That's the craziest story I ever heard.

01:10:50.060 That's crazy.

01:10:50.380 That's pretty crazy.

01:10:51.280 Wait, I got to pee so bad.

01:10:52.440 You do go pee somewhere.

01:10:53.400 Yeah, pee outside or pee in the bathroom.

01:10:56.260 Yeah, that's pretty insane.

01:10:57.720 So there was a similar thing my manager told me about his neighbor.

01:11:02.020 And they were, like, in their late 60s, maybe 70.

01:11:06.620 And him and his wife, the neighbor and her husband were really kinky.

01:11:10.420 And she got into, like, a leather swing to get fucked or whatever.

01:11:15.820 And he had a heart attack while she was in the swing.

01:11:19.640 And she couldn't get out.

01:11:21.200 He had a heart attack.

01:11:22.740 And then she just started screaming.

01:11:25.160 And then my manager at the time, he went over to the, I heard her and went in and saw her in the sling.

01:11:30.780 And they had sex?

01:11:31.380 And I go, did you fuck her?

01:11:32.960 And he was like, no.

01:11:36.560 And I'm like, bullshit.

01:11:38.360 And he goes, no, I had to revive the guy.

01:11:41.140 And he didn't die.

01:11:42.280 But I'm like, you fucked her.

01:11:44.140 But I just thought that was funny, too.

01:11:45.780 Wow.

01:11:46.160 She was just sitting there like fucking Brian Callen, you know what I mean?

01:11:50.740 Just waiting to get drilled by fucking Schaub.

01:11:53.960 Just sitting there.

01:11:55.520 Fucking Schaub.

01:11:56.620 Thief or Sutherland.

01:11:58.300 Yeah, dude.

01:11:59.100 That's what I call him.

01:12:00.940 Dang, bro.

01:12:01.580 No, I'm kidding.

01:12:02.440 There was a bit about Schaub.

01:12:03.920 Like, I guess he said, people say he stole some fajita joke from me.

01:12:07.320 Did he?

01:12:07.960 I don't care.

01:12:09.500 It was just funny.

01:12:10.360 I know Brennan.

01:12:11.240 I don't care if he did.

01:12:12.720 But I doubt it.

01:12:13.460 I mean, he's had fajitas.

01:12:15.260 Yeah, a lot of people have had fajitas, yeah.

01:12:18.060 But I haven't seen, I don't know if I've even seen, I haven't seen that joke.

01:12:21.560 It doesn't come to mind.

01:12:22.360 No, I mean, who fucking cares?

01:12:24.040 But, no, but it is getting funny.

01:12:26.100 So watch out when you get in your leather swing.

01:12:29.520 Yeah.

01:12:30.020 Don't fucking yell for help, man.

01:12:31.720 Just die.

01:12:33.160 I remember one night, some girl wanted to have sex and we were so high on cocaine,

01:12:37.040 I just laid there like a fucking owl.

01:12:40.220 And it was just so weird.

01:12:41.120 Just spinning your head around?

01:12:43.100 Just, oh.

01:12:43.740 Oh, yeah.

01:12:46.300 Yeah, I can't.

01:12:47.320 Dude, cocaine sucks.

01:12:49.880 I remember every time I would do it, panic attack.

01:12:52.780 Yeah.

01:12:53.040 Because I like going to sleep.

01:12:54.320 I like passing out.

01:12:55.740 I don't want to fucking be up more.

01:12:57.460 If you need a fucking zip to go like a couple more hours drinking, I guess.

01:13:02.600 But I realized why I liked cocaine was because, or why I like it, I mean, you know, I'll always

01:13:09.380 love it.

01:13:10.400 You know, it'll always be my second or fourth or third love.

01:13:13.780 Yeah.

01:13:14.280 But.

01:13:14.920 Third is a little dangerous cocaine.

01:13:16.360 Because it's faster than beer.

01:13:19.420 I don't like, I don't want to like, meander around about how I feel, you know?

01:13:25.820 It's like when people are like, hey, man, we should drive to, uh, to, um.

01:13:31.040 Saturn.

01:13:31.780 Yeah.

01:13:32.520 Like, I'm going to fly.

01:13:34.400 Yeah.

01:13:34.960 I'll see you there.

01:13:36.380 You know what I'm saying?

01:13:37.200 Right.

01:13:37.760 But it's like, I want the thing, I want it, whatever the feeling I want, I want it now.

01:13:42.740 Yeah.

01:13:42.940 I don't want to, you know, I don't want to meander around the, you know?

01:13:46.740 It's too risky out there just milling around having a beer.

01:13:50.280 Yeah.

01:13:51.700 I want.

01:13:53.220 Yeah.

01:13:53.620 You want to just get there.

01:13:54.980 I want the police in my fucking nutsack immediately.

01:13:57.860 Oh, wow.

01:13:58.640 All right.

01:13:59.260 You know?

01:13:59.820 But yeah, you want to, it's like a flight.

01:14:02.540 You want to get there.

01:14:03.880 Yeah.

01:14:04.040 I want to get there.

01:14:04.760 You want to, you want a half hour flight.

01:14:06.060 You don't want six hours.

01:14:07.000 You want to fucking be.

01:14:08.460 Yeah.

01:14:08.980 You want to fucking build a stadium or something.

01:14:11.680 Yeah.

01:14:11.820 That's why I realized I like, because it was just like, it was just faster and more effective.

01:14:15.960 That's everything else about it.

01:14:17.720 I hated panic attacks, you know, be, you know, not being able to look at people, you

01:14:23.000 know, fucking, um, sweating, driving and doing cocaine in your car when you were young.

01:14:28.780 Right.

01:14:29.240 You know, all that kind of shit.

01:14:30.760 Fucking some dude tried to trap me in a bathroom one time and was, I think, trying to be sexy

01:14:37.860 or something.

01:14:38.400 And I remember that.

01:14:39.060 I would think so.

01:14:40.060 You know?

01:14:40.840 I would think that would be his motive.

01:14:42.380 But it was like drug induced, you know?

01:14:44.160 Cause there's a lot of drug induced homosexuality that happens, you know, people get high and

01:14:49.380 then they, they get, there's more tendency for gay.

01:14:52.760 They go dick diving.

01:14:53.940 Yeah.

01:14:54.060 Don't they?

01:14:54.620 Yep.

01:14:54.960 I mean, it seems like it's more of a popular thing in the world.

01:14:57.300 Or you can at least blame it on that.

01:14:59.440 You know what I mean?

01:15:00.840 So you can be like, dude, I drank a gallon of Molly and fucked your whole, um, university

01:15:06.420 at that party.

01:15:08.540 Yeah.

01:15:09.000 Yeah.

01:15:09.220 Yeah.

01:15:11.420 Professors, everything.

01:15:12.420 The mascot.

01:15:13.800 Nobody was safe from my fucking bone.

01:15:17.920 Do you, um.

01:15:20.100 Yes.

01:15:20.580 What was the story you were telling me that you were going to tell me about?

01:15:22.420 The craziest drunk story.

01:15:24.420 Did you tell me it?

01:15:25.540 That was the one about the leather swing set.

01:15:27.120 Oh, yeah.

01:15:28.040 Or the leather sling or whatever it is.

01:15:30.880 I mean, it's not up there with, um, cock rink frisbee.

01:15:35.040 Well, that I just.

01:15:36.700 It's so funny.

01:15:37.580 It's so weird.

01:15:39.720 Good God.

01:15:40.840 But yeah, I mean, anyway, I'm excited to go on tour and experience stuff like that.

01:15:43.880 Yeah, so tell me about some of the tours.

01:15:45.220 So are you going to be sober on the whole tour or no?

01:15:47.580 I don't know.

01:15:48.240 I'm going to try.

01:15:49.340 I'll probably cave a couple.

01:15:50.420 There's certain cities that are, you know, when you look at a tour and you're like, oh,

01:15:55.560 this town is going to be tricky to like, if I, I mean,

01:16:00.120 to not drink in Chicago is hard, but I'm only there for one day.

01:16:03.160 So that helps.

01:16:03.940 But, uh, to not drink in like Nashville, that's going to be tricky.

01:16:08.540 There's, there's certain cities where San Diego tricky Vegas, obviously, but that's a lot.

01:16:15.780 And how many cities are you going to?

01:16:17.080 I'm doing like 30 right now.

01:16:18.840 Okay.

01:16:19.220 Nick Schwartz and .net for tickets.

01:16:20.740 Are you touring this year anymore or no?

01:16:22.700 Yeah.

01:16:22.940 I've got some shows coming up.

01:16:24.920 Where are you going?

01:16:25.680 San Diego, Denver, somewhere else.

01:16:30.820 Denver's great.

01:16:31.360 The altitude though.

01:16:32.280 God damn, dude.

01:16:32.920 I get fucked on the altitude every time.

01:16:34.940 If you're going to a place with altitude, drink water.

01:16:38.560 Like I know it sounds like stupid or whatever.

01:16:41.540 Drink a lot of water before you go.

01:16:43.460 And when you're there.

01:16:44.200 Yeah.

01:16:44.600 Because it's, I got, I just did six shows in Denver.

01:16:47.520 They were amazing.

01:16:48.700 I love Denver, but dude, I got sick as shit.

01:16:52.100 I was throwing up in the green room every day before the show.

01:16:55.940 Add green to it.

01:16:56.760 Yeah.

01:16:58.420 Yeah.

01:16:58.840 The only reason I asked you about the drinking stuff is just because I'm always curious about

01:17:01.860 that kind of stuff.

01:17:02.500 I'm curious about like, you know, the effect it has on people.

01:17:04.840 How do people manage it?

01:17:05.980 Because our lifestyles are also different lifestyles, you know?

01:17:09.000 Way different.

01:17:10.100 It's different than a normal lifestyle.

01:17:12.140 You know, like we usually get into this business because like, you know, we have different ways

01:17:18.120 that we feel okay in the world and, you know, there's a lot of people in our industry that

01:17:22.960 like, you know, battle with substances and stuff.

01:17:25.380 It's very normal for comedians.

01:17:26.920 Yeah, totally.

01:17:28.180 It's very normal.

01:17:29.160 I just want you to know why I ask about that kind of stuff.

01:17:30.960 Yeah, of course.

01:17:31.820 No, it's a valid question.

01:17:32.940 And I've dealt with so much shit in the past.

01:17:35.100 Like I said, you know, I almost died.

01:17:36.820 Yeah.

01:17:37.240 And I didn't know this.

01:17:38.180 For people that don't know, I almost died.

01:17:39.820 I was in the hospital in Denver and I was there for three and a half weeks.

01:17:43.780 And there's people that have quadruple bypass surgeries that are in and out in four days.

01:17:50.120 And I was there for three and a half weeks.

01:17:51.600 And the doctor told me I had a 10% chance of living.

01:17:54.440 And then when I got out and I got better, they had lied to me.

01:17:58.280 I was supposed to be dead.

01:17:59.960 So my family flew in to say goodbye to me.

01:18:02.680 No.

01:18:03.140 And they told me that you have a 10% chance.

01:18:05.240 And then my sister was like, yeah, they lied that you were going to, you were supposed

01:18:07.740 to die.

01:18:09.000 So that's a trip, dude.

01:18:10.380 When you experience something like that and then you come back to life essentially, it

01:18:15.760 just changes your whole fucking ste mindset, dude.

01:18:20.100 Because you're just like, oh, I'm like now living on borrowed time is how I see it.

01:18:24.180 So how long, once that happened, because what you got taken, were you at a place and collapsed?

01:18:28.360 Did something like, what was, what happened?

01:18:30.040 I flew into Denver.

01:18:32.220 I got sick at my hotel in Minneapolis.

01:18:34.360 And then I was like, whatever, I'm used to that.

01:18:36.240 I was throwing up like bile.

01:18:37.220 So then I got on the plane, drank on the plane, threw up into my carry on.

01:18:42.820 So then I got off the plane.

01:18:44.260 I'm like, shit.

01:18:45.220 So then I hadn't eaten or anything.

01:18:46.860 So I ate like, were you drinking?

01:18:48.780 I just kept drinking, but I kept vomiting and it was more and more painful than I had a

01:18:53.580 pain in my stomach.

01:18:54.840 But I had a pain that was different.

01:18:57.200 It was like pain, like fire pain.

01:19:00.100 Yeah.

01:19:00.500 And I kept trying to drink through it.

01:19:02.520 And then I'm like, oh, this, no, something's horribly wrong.

01:19:06.460 And I went to the medic at the airport and they're like, oh, you need an ambulance.

01:19:10.780 There's a medic at the airport?

01:19:11.660 Well, yeah, they have like somebody, you know what I mean?

01:19:13.640 I'm like, hey, something's wrong.

01:19:15.080 Wait, was it that express spa or whatever that, uh.

01:19:18.060 No, it wasn't like a massage chair.

01:19:19.560 I didn't sit there and like, no, I grabbed a human.

01:19:23.800 Okay.

01:19:24.220 At a ticket counter.

01:19:25.040 I'm like, hey, something's wrong.

01:19:27.100 And the guy looked at me and he goes, oh, you need an ambulance.

01:19:30.080 They called me an ambulance.

01:19:30.980 And I went to the fucking thing.

01:19:31.980 You got ambulanced out of the airport?

01:19:34.180 Yeah.

01:19:34.540 Where does it pick up at departures or arrivals?

01:19:36.980 I don't remember, but I think, I think it was departures because they thought I was

01:19:40.720 going to heaven.

01:19:41.500 Oh, damn.

01:19:43.320 Yeah.

01:19:44.360 Jesus was my pilot.

01:19:45.620 He was like, shh.

01:19:46.480 And did you have a beer at the airport?

01:19:48.780 I was drinking vodka and I just kept going and throwing it up.

01:19:51.380 And I'm like, okay, this is, I can't get through this.

01:19:54.380 I drank a Gatorade, threw it up.

01:19:55.760 I had a, like a banana, some kind of food.

01:19:58.360 So you were puking up bile.

01:20:00.100 Yeah.

01:20:00.300 What's after bile?

01:20:02.260 Um, more bile.

01:20:04.500 And then blood.

01:20:05.600 Yeah.

01:20:05.860 And then blood.

01:20:07.020 So then, then it was blood at the hospital.

01:20:09.040 It was fucking gnarly, dude.

01:20:11.220 It was like, it was, I'll never forget.

01:20:13.700 Then I, I don't even remember a whole week.

01:20:15.500 They were telling me about what I was doing.

01:20:17.400 And the nurse was like, yeah, you were like throwing haymakers, trying to throw it.

01:20:20.080 Like, you're watching wrestling on your computer.

01:20:22.840 Like, damn, that's my brain.

01:20:25.820 Yeah, it was crazy.

01:20:27.020 But there's pictures of it.

01:20:28.060 There's pictures of me with like, they had to like put mittens on my hands.

01:20:31.060 So you wouldn't drink?

01:20:31.920 Yeah.

01:20:32.240 No, so I wouldn't pull the IVs out and shit.

01:20:34.500 Really?

01:20:34.940 Yeah, it was fucking bonkers.

01:20:36.460 So you, you went, I mean, you went crazy.

01:20:39.080 Yeah, essentially like I totally lost my shit.

01:20:41.380 And the Altuve was a big factor in that.

01:20:43.120 What?

01:20:43.620 Fuck no, it wasn't.

01:20:44.580 Dude, I love how like you tell these crazy stories, you're like, I drank 70 drinks.

01:20:49.560 I'm looking, you know, you're like, but there were some Raiders fans there.

01:20:53.480 And that's kind of the thing that made things strange, man.

01:20:57.300 Yeah.

01:20:57.720 No, I drank a gallon of house paint, but you know, there was a drizzle.

01:21:03.020 There was a drizzle outside.

01:21:04.140 Yeah, it was, yeah, it was a cloud.

01:21:05.680 It was cloudy.

01:21:06.520 But yeah, I didn't plan on like that happening.

01:21:08.620 But do you think you could, because you could, if you, because you probably, I mean, at that

01:21:12.280 point you get cirrhosis, bad things happen to your body.

01:21:15.020 Yeah.

01:21:15.340 I mean, I came really close, but I didn't.

01:21:17.700 I mean, I'm fine now.

01:21:19.060 I mean, obviously.

01:21:19.900 But did they say you can drink again or you can't drink again?

01:21:23.340 Well, it was, the doctor goes, if you have another drink, you're going to die.

01:21:26.380 So I was like, well, that doesn't make sense.

01:21:28.840 But I'm like, okay.

01:21:29.880 So then I rehabbed and then got, you know, better and then got really healthy.

01:21:35.660 And then I went and got a checkup three months after.

01:21:38.320 And the doctor was like, oh yeah, a different doctor back in LA.

01:21:41.560 And he's like, yeah, you're fine.

01:21:42.800 Everything's fine.

01:21:43.720 And I'm like, what?

01:21:44.520 And he goes, yeah, it's all, yeah, everything's back.

01:21:46.840 Your liver's back.

01:21:47.420 I mean, I was like, really.

01:21:48.720 Your liver's back?

01:21:49.640 I detoxed hard.

01:21:50.700 Well, your liver can rebound.

01:21:53.080 Yeah.

01:21:53.760 I mean, you can get to a point where it can't, where I've had a handful of friends where that's

01:21:58.260 happened to.

01:21:59.120 But I mean, you can push it and then you've got to really dry out.

01:22:02.880 So I did.

01:22:04.420 Vitamins and fucking milk, thistle, everything just built back up.

01:22:07.540 And then I still wait another six months and then COVID hit and quarantine.

01:22:11.820 I went to Key West and I'm like, you know what?

01:22:14.080 I'm just going to, it doesn't make sense.

01:22:15.400 So I had a cocktail and then I was, I was fine.

01:22:17.600 And then I drank again.

01:22:19.420 Yeah.

01:22:19.740 I just want you to be okay.

01:22:20.680 Which sounds dumb.

01:22:21.320 I'm sure people are like, you're a fucking idiot, but I didn't drink.

01:22:24.140 Like I was drinking very rogue.

01:22:26.840 I mean, I was just boom shots and just completely stupid.

01:22:30.540 Wow.

01:22:30.860 But now I'll like, you know, I can have a cocktail.

01:22:33.520 I can do stuff like that.

01:22:34.420 But you do have to be really careful.

01:22:37.160 Do you think you can have a cocktail?

01:22:39.160 Yeah, I did.

01:22:39.740 I told you I had like a cocktail when I wrapped this movie, Buddy Games Part Two, Hard R.

01:22:44.760 Yeah.

01:22:45.300 So we celebrated and I had a cocktail and it was fine.

01:22:47.100 So yeah, it is interesting, you know, with the levels of, you know, what people can do

01:22:54.280 because some people can't.

01:22:55.220 They have one drink and then they wake up in a fucking prison.

01:22:58.420 I know, but that sounds, most of your stories sound like that, you know?

01:23:02.740 I know.

01:23:04.000 But I don't know.

01:23:05.120 I somehow made a knock on.

01:23:07.200 Oh, you're a fucking, yeah.

01:23:09.040 I mean, you're like, yeah, you're like the ghost of Fuddrucker's past.

01:23:15.300 I am, dude.

01:23:16.320 You keep going.

01:23:17.600 The ghost of future Chili's.

01:23:19.460 I know.

01:23:20.280 Yeah, dude.

01:23:21.500 What food, what chain restaurant is the one that's time to fucking shut it down, dude?

01:23:30.640 I don't know.

01:23:32.780 I haven't eaten anywhere in a while.

01:23:34.840 Long John Silver's?

01:23:36.720 Didn't they peace out for a while?

01:23:38.380 And then they kind of made a mini comeback and then people are like, no, I still have blood

01:23:41.520 in my stomach.

01:23:41.940 They merged, I think.

01:23:42.800 They're still out there.

01:23:43.440 Yeah, I think they merged with Boot Barn or something.

01:23:45.560 Something crazy.

01:23:46.560 Boot Barn.

01:23:48.960 I don't know.

01:23:49.660 I mean, at some places, I don't know what to say because I don't want to get mad at me.

01:23:53.660 They're good.

01:23:54.160 They're still going.

01:23:54.780 I don't see a partnership, but yeah.

01:23:56.520 I'd love to see LDS versus LJS, bro.

01:24:01.100 Long John Silver's versus Long...

01:24:02.980 Latter-day Saints.

01:24:03.800 Oh, the Church of Latter-day Saints?

01:24:05.940 Yeah.

01:24:06.800 That would be a battle.

01:24:08.700 That would be a battle.

01:24:10.580 I'd love to see more battles like that.

01:24:12.960 You know, things are getting weird out there.

01:24:14.580 They had...

01:24:15.760 What was the thing with the drivers or the...

01:24:21.100 Oh, yeah.

01:24:22.340 The Kia boys.

01:24:23.260 This is crazy.

01:24:24.160 What is that?

01:24:24.660 Yeah, let's look that up.

01:24:25.060 Okay, so thefts of Kias and Hyundais are soaring like 800% because there's a TikTok trend and there are no videos of it, obviously, but there is a TikTok trend where you can basically hotwire a Kia with just like touching the USB port.

01:24:40.760 Or touching it with like an aux cable for your car, you know?

01:24:43.960 And then kids are sharing how to do it with the hashtag Kia boys.

01:24:47.600 So it's just like...

01:24:48.800 I mean, everyone with Kia or Hyundai, you got to lock yourself up right now.

01:24:52.940 It's happening a lot.

01:24:53.640 Good God.

01:24:54.980 Yeah, my friend got a Kia stolen.

01:24:56.780 That's funny.

01:24:57.600 Not funny, but like...

01:24:58.480 Oh, you can jumpstart it with an earring, dude.

01:25:00.740 What?

01:25:00.920 Yeah, it's like a huge design flaw.

01:25:02.540 You just make contact with something in there.

01:25:04.580 Here, I'll show you.

01:25:05.160 There's screen grabs of it.

01:25:05.940 Oh, that's a nightmare.

01:25:07.980 There's screen grabs of it here because they disabled the video.

01:25:10.960 But you just touch something in there and then it goes.

01:25:14.000 And they haven't fixed it yet.

01:25:15.600 It's unbelievable, man.

01:25:16.560 Oh, that's brutal.

01:25:17.400 And that's the key of this.

01:25:17.620 If you're out there, don't fucking do that.

01:25:20.760 Good God.

01:25:21.500 Why make people's lives worse?

01:25:24.820 Stealing somebody's fucking car.

01:25:26.240 They probably have a family and they've...

01:25:27.760 You know what I mean?

01:25:28.980 Why do people do that shit?

01:25:29.900 Kia Sophia.

01:25:30.340 Dude, Kia Sophia is also a black girl that I...

01:25:32.480 Kia Sophia Baham was a black girl that I went to school with.

01:25:35.200 Is that true?

01:25:35.880 Yeah.

01:25:36.300 So they should easily pay her for this, right?

01:25:38.440 Yeah, they owe her money now.

01:25:40.760 Yeah, that's crazy.

01:25:43.760 Also, I don't know.

01:25:44.580 I've never owned a Kia.

01:25:46.200 You ever borrow your parents' car without them knowing?

01:25:48.460 I've stolen my parents' car, yeah.

01:25:50.700 I crashed my dad's car.

01:25:52.320 I've crashed both my parents' cars.

01:25:53.800 Why?

01:25:54.140 What happened?

01:25:54.580 I got drunk and went to buy drugs.

01:25:59.840 I got drunk and went to buy drugs that night when I was in high school.

01:26:02.700 Now, what kind of drug are you talking about?

01:26:03.820 Weed, huh?

01:26:04.160 Weed, yeah.

01:26:04.900 Yeah.

01:26:05.600 Remember when going for weed was like, we're getting some fucking weed?

01:26:09.140 Oh, it was so exciting, man.

01:26:10.400 Yeah.

01:26:10.800 My friend Chris, I would knock on his window late at night.

01:26:13.600 And he'd be like, what's up, dude?

01:26:16.160 And he would give me like 20 bucks worth.

01:26:18.480 Oh.

01:26:19.340 Do I remember I loved weed so much, I sold my dad's penny collection.

01:26:24.860 I went and cashed in his pennies.

01:26:25.660 No, those booklets?

01:26:26.680 Yeah, those books of pennies.

01:26:27.280 Oh, the Midwestern things that your parents have?

01:26:29.740 Yeah, it's not even enough to buy weed.

01:26:31.440 I think I bought like a half of a seed.

01:26:36.300 Bring those up.

01:26:37.660 Bring up the penny collector books.

01:26:39.160 My grandmother had these.

01:26:40.360 Oh, there they are.

01:26:41.300 Yeah, because when I was a kid, he had a ton of them, too.

01:26:43.640 With an Indian head or whatever?

01:26:45.660 Yeah.

01:26:45.920 I think the rare ones, I was able to cash in for more money.

01:26:51.040 I doubt that.

01:26:52.300 I doubt it.

01:26:53.900 Oh, so sad.

01:26:55.500 I know, it's a fucking asshole.

01:26:56.900 I know, we've all done this.

01:26:58.060 You're a kid, like, don't be an asshole.

01:26:59.660 I was like, I think back, I'm like, God.

01:27:01.180 This was worth 895 bucks right here, this one.

01:27:04.140 We've all done this, Nick.

01:27:07.060 And what'd you do?

01:27:07.920 You borrowed the car on what?

01:27:09.600 I would drive to go by the weed.

01:27:10.900 But my dad's, one of my mom's, I got too high and then went off a ditch.

01:27:15.340 And then my dad's, I turned into a telephone pole.

01:27:18.500 Because, you know, in the Midwest, it's like there's ice when it snows, after it snows.

01:27:23.520 And then I hit an ice patch and went, and then into a telephone pole.

01:27:27.400 Yeah.

01:27:27.840 And these guys were chasing me.

01:27:29.020 I think they were like kind of thug dudes.

01:27:30.620 Oh, yeah.

01:27:31.140 And I thought they were going to kill me.

01:27:32.480 And I crashed my car.

01:27:33.600 And then they pulled over and they're like, are you all right?

01:27:36.140 And I'm like, no, it's my dad's car.

01:27:38.060 I'm going to fucking die.

01:27:39.240 And they're like, all right.

01:27:40.300 And just drove away.

01:27:41.160 Oh, damn.

01:27:41.980 Yeah.

01:27:43.300 Look, we stopped to help, but, yeah.

01:27:45.840 No, they were like, we're going to fuck this dude up.

01:27:47.260 But then we're like, oh, no, his dad's going to fuck him up way worse.

01:27:49.620 Yeah.

01:27:50.380 It's like the fucking Father Fury.

01:27:52.980 Just Jenny's, just Haymaker to the Jan Jan.

01:27:57.960 It's crazy now how with that car theft, people can, when a burglar learns something, they

01:28:03.200 can now put that out.

01:28:04.540 It's like, here's a way where you can, it's like.

01:28:08.000 Why would you pay it forward?

01:28:09.960 Right.

01:28:10.320 But I understand you wouldn't.

01:28:12.320 It's weird.

01:28:12.920 It's dumb.

01:28:13.420 It's not helpful to society.

01:28:15.120 But this is the kind of thing that people are just thinking like, this is how you can

01:28:19.520 do it.

01:28:20.120 You know, this is how you can steal a car.

01:28:22.800 But, you know.

01:28:23.460 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:28:24.340 Are you on TikTok?

01:28:25.560 Yeah.

01:28:26.560 What do you do?

01:28:27.540 We're on there.

01:28:28.160 We just share stuff, experiences and moments from the show.

01:28:31.140 Oh, okay.

01:28:32.480 But they had another, it's just, it's just interesting how there's like this vigilante, there's like

01:28:38.700 vigilante social media for like, if you're doing something bad or something good, they

01:28:45.420 had another story with, bring up the story with the lady that followed, you know what

01:28:50.180 I'm talking about, Zach?

01:28:51.040 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:28:52.800 Um, this was on Reddit, this got a ton of views, but basically this business owner, she

01:28:59.000 was robbed and found the person who did it and found him on the bus and followed them

01:29:03.920 home.

01:29:05.000 Um, this video is one minute long, so just give it a watch.

01:29:07.420 Yeah, business owner follows thief on the bus, follow her home, confronts her ass.

01:29:12.120 So, so what did she steal?

01:29:14.800 Watch this.

01:29:15.620 She left and got on the bus, which my employee notified me about.

01:29:19.540 So, I drove to meet the bus.

01:29:21.920 Guys, okay, so this raggedy ass bitch just came into Erotic and stole from my store.

01:29:30.980 Stole from my store.

01:29:32.300 Okay, stop, don't touch me.

01:29:33.380 And we're going to follow her to her house because she says she's going to pay for it there.

01:29:37.640 Right?

01:29:38.680 Yes.

01:29:39.580 Okay.

01:29:40.700 Oh my God.

01:29:41.260 So, enjoy the ride and we'll let you know where she lives.

01:29:44.540 Let's play a game called Look in the Thief's Purse.

01:29:49.840 So, let's see what she has.

01:29:51.540 Stop.

01:29:52.160 Oh, she also took a skirt, Justin.

01:29:53.640 Did you see that?

01:29:54.080 What?

01:29:54.520 Yeah.

01:29:55.240 That's the girl right there.

01:29:56.600 You raggedy bitch.

01:29:57.320 Yeah, she stole clothes.

01:29:59.980 You look at me like I'm crazy and you stole from me.

01:30:02.880 Be Irish.

01:30:03.600 Imagine the shock on a thief's face and they got it.

01:30:06.260 Don't steal from small businesses, Oki.

01:30:09.940 Oki?

01:30:10.720 It's Chinese.

01:30:12.000 Oh, okay.

01:30:12.600 But.

01:30:13.120 Wow.

01:30:13.540 Is that unbelievable?

01:30:14.520 Dude, that's incredible.

01:30:15.940 Good Lord.

01:30:18.280 That's what it's just it's interesting that like we're becoming our own police.

01:30:23.860 It's like the police, they're almost like the secondary part of the policing.

01:30:30.420 It's like.

01:30:30.900 Well, yeah, it's just people taking it into their own hands and using social media to call people out and go like, fuck this.

01:30:37.180 Yeah, but it's like that for every.

01:30:38.360 It's like just this.

01:30:39.200 There's like this.

01:30:40.420 It's like that for everything.

01:30:41.620 It's like that on both sides.

01:30:42.700 It's like that on if you're the criminal or if you're the victim, you know, it's just interesting how there's like social media provides this vigilante sort of comeuppance.

01:30:54.400 Yes.

01:30:55.360 Comeuppance access.

01:30:56.380 What word am I thinking of, Zach?

01:30:57.500 Am I making any sense?

01:30:59.440 Comeuppance.

01:31:00.100 I mean, just we're talking about, you know, right.

01:31:02.660 It's justice and injustice, but it's either way.

01:31:05.140 It's like, well, that's a catch 22 of social media.

01:31:07.400 And that's like the extreme dichotomy of how it's like it can be the best tool ever or it can be a very negative tool.

01:31:13.600 Yeah.

01:31:13.780 You know what I'm saying?

01:31:15.160 We'll be right back with more from since.

01:31:17.720 I think that's.

01:31:19.540 Fine, man.

01:31:20.260 But yeah.

01:31:21.160 White Oprah's, dude.

01:31:23.360 White Oprah's would be the best band name.

01:31:25.760 That'd be a sweet trilogy movie.

01:31:27.600 The Black Steadmans.

01:31:29.080 Mm-hmm.

01:31:31.300 What else?

01:31:31.820 Anything else in the news, Zach?

01:31:32.960 I just wanted to see if there was anything else we wanted to chat about.

01:31:35.540 I'm excited for your tour.

01:31:36.920 You're going to 30 cities.

01:31:38.360 You look honestly better than I've seen.

01:31:39.900 You look great.

01:31:41.000 Thanks, man.

01:31:41.140 You hung out last night, man.

01:31:42.200 I just feel like your energy's good.

01:31:44.280 I'm just happy for you, you know?

01:31:46.020 Thanks, man.

01:31:46.660 No, it's great.

01:31:47.440 And it's like, it's fun.

01:31:49.240 I got everything out of my system.

01:31:50.920 I mean, the thing about COVID is I just kind of evaluated my life.

01:31:54.640 And I'm like 45 years old.

01:31:56.760 Where am I going to?

01:31:58.120 What's my next chapter?

01:31:59.420 You know what I mean?

01:31:59.800 I'm like, I've already done a lot, you know?

01:32:02.720 Yeah.

01:32:03.060 But I want to just do something where, I don't know.

01:32:06.920 I just came to terms with a lot of shit and a lot of baggage and why I was drinking so

01:32:10.680 much and like why, you know?

01:32:12.140 So I drank in Key West and then just came back full throttle where I was like, okay.

01:32:17.800 I came, well, I went home and I looked around my place and I'm like, why do I have all these

01:32:22.380 shoes?

01:32:22.740 Why do I have these clothes?

01:32:23.620 I sold my Rolex.

01:32:24.580 I sold my diamond chains.

01:32:26.000 I sold everything.

01:32:27.520 I sold half my shirts, almost all my shoes.

01:32:30.020 I'm like, this is just like, just minimize my life where I'm just like, I just want to,

01:32:34.640 you don't need that much.

01:32:35.560 So I gave it away.

01:32:36.600 I didn't, you know, I just was like, here, you know, have this.

01:32:40.160 I gave it to, you know, groups that, you know, the Goodwill type places.

01:32:44.540 Rolex you gave to them?

01:32:46.000 You sold it.

01:32:46.660 Fuck no, I sold that.

01:32:47.660 Yeah.

01:32:48.560 I sold that.

01:32:49.120 We probably had to pay that fucking hotel bill too.

01:32:51.200 And I bought a fucking crossbow.

01:32:51.720 Jesus.

01:32:52.180 Right on.

01:32:53.300 No, I didn't.

01:32:54.140 But yeah, I just sold all that stuff because I'm like, what am I doing?

01:32:55.900 So now I just, I only, I've got a couple biking shirts and then I have a fur coat and a

01:33:00.500 Speedo.

01:33:01.080 Yeah.

01:33:01.300 Cause I feel like those can do both weathers.

01:33:03.400 Yeah.

01:33:05.120 Yeah.

01:33:05.920 Did you, um, did you see Aaron Rogers on, um, no.

01:33:10.800 What did he do?

01:33:11.340 Oh, good.

01:33:12.100 Oh, it was just interesting.

01:33:13.640 He taught, they talked about, uh, what did he say?

01:33:18.520 They talked about all kinds of stuff.

01:33:19.680 I can't wait to just feel the fury of football season.

01:33:23.720 My first show is, uh, Pittsburgh opening day.

01:33:26.960 I'm excited in September.

01:33:28.660 Your first show is on opening day of football?

01:33:30.460 Yeah.

01:33:30.720 On a Sunday night?

01:33:31.300 In Pittsburgh, which I'm so stoked because I've only been to Pittsburgh a couple times.

01:33:34.420 It's Thursday or Sunday?

01:33:35.520 Sunday.

01:33:36.000 So I'm fired up about that.

01:33:37.420 It's going to be fucking bonkers.

01:33:38.840 It's such a great football town.

01:33:40.180 I love good football town.

01:33:41.720 Shinley Park, dude.

01:33:43.400 Yes.

01:33:44.200 Shinley Park, the freaking dine time.

01:33:46.620 I love Pittsburgh, dude.

01:33:48.280 Yeah.

01:33:48.440 What is that sandwich place?

01:33:49.920 Premany Brothers?

01:33:50.840 Oh, Premany Brothers?

01:33:51.800 Premany's?

01:33:52.060 Yeah, they got all kinds of good stuff over there.

01:33:54.000 It gets a great place.

01:33:55.340 Thick lady out.

01:33:56.340 I saw a thick chick one time catching a bus on a Jerry Olshansky jersey.

01:34:01.260 Bring up Jerry Olshansky.

01:34:02.560 Bring him up.

01:34:05.160 This is the kind of woman you want over there.

01:34:07.440 I go to Premany Brothers last time I was there and I was like, hey, can I hold the cheese?

01:34:11.760 And I had them hold, like, a bunch of stuff on it and they looked at me.

01:34:14.100 They were excited that I was there and then they were, like, disappointed that I...

01:34:17.840 So, I'm allergic.

01:34:18.580 I can't have Jerry.

01:34:19.040 You said Jerry Olshansky?

01:34:21.520 Yeah.

01:34:22.600 Olshansky?

01:34:23.560 Olshansky.

01:34:24.220 What's his name?

01:34:24.660 Derry is his name?

01:34:25.980 It's Derry or Jerry.

01:34:27.520 I'm allergic to Derry.

01:34:28.580 I just said that.

01:34:30.100 Is this going to be...

01:34:30.960 For the Steelers.

01:34:36.960 Well, no, that's Jerry Steelers, but...

01:34:38.540 No, Pittsburgh Steelers.

01:34:45.420 Is that Olshansky right there?

01:34:48.480 Old jerseys are always great, too.

01:34:50.740 Huh?

01:34:51.020 Jerry Olshansky?

01:34:52.560 Yeah, there you go.

01:34:55.100 Linebacker.

01:34:55.460 They pronounce it different.

01:34:56.400 That's Polish.

01:34:58.840 Yeah.

01:34:59.460 Beautiful.

01:35:01.200 Yeah, so I'm excited.

01:35:02.300 I'm excited for football.

01:35:03.360 It's just, it's weird when there's no football.

01:35:05.740 Yeah.

01:35:07.020 But you're a Saints fan.

01:35:08.560 Well, yeah, you and I have...

01:35:09.460 They've played some story games over the years.

01:35:11.320 Yeah, we've had great...

01:35:12.340 The miracle happened against the Saints.

01:35:14.580 Yeah.

01:35:15.300 And then we...

01:35:16.160 Then the next season, we won with Kyle Rudolph in the end zone.

01:35:19.900 We got that last minute...

01:35:21.080 Last second catch.

01:35:22.860 I don't know if I remember that one.

01:35:24.140 Yeah, that was a year...

01:35:25.220 I think it was a year after.

01:35:27.540 Yeah.

01:35:28.080 But we still don't have a fucking Super Bowl.

01:35:29.960 God damn it.

01:35:31.000 What are the Saints that have?

01:35:31.780 They have one or two?

01:35:33.000 We have one.

01:35:33.860 You don't have one yet?

01:35:34.920 No.

01:35:35.960 You don't have a Super Bowl yet?

01:35:37.400 You guys won against Brett Favre when he got the Bounty Gate shit.

01:35:40.760 I think you guys won that year.

01:35:42.180 But all of that...

01:35:43.680 You guys have been there since the beginning.

01:35:45.040 Weren't you in the second Super Bowl?

01:35:46.820 We were in four Super Bowls in a row.

01:35:48.840 Wow.

01:35:49.000 We lost.

01:35:49.940 You lost all of them?

01:35:51.080 Yeah.

01:35:51.320 We don't have a Super Bowl.

01:35:52.660 It's insane.

01:35:54.140 It's awful.

01:35:55.680 The Bills just lost their punter.

01:35:57.160 You see that guy?

01:35:58.000 He got accused of rape.

01:35:59.760 Yeah, I saw that.

01:36:00.820 It's crazy.

01:36:02.060 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:36:03.360 Dude, the Bills...

01:36:04.040 I mean, there's teams that I root for.

01:36:06.300 I mean, if the Bills won, I'd be happy.

01:36:08.600 Oh, yeah.

01:36:09.120 I really like the Bills.

01:36:10.320 They've gone through hell and high water.

01:36:12.360 Buffalo.

01:36:13.440 Yeah.

01:36:14.340 Good Lord.

01:36:14.720 I was heartbroken.

01:36:15.460 They had the tight end Dawson Knox's brother passed away.

01:36:19.220 Yeah, that's awful.

01:36:19.960 Did they figure out how he died?

01:36:22.060 I don't know.

01:36:24.580 Yeah, that's terrible.

01:36:26.220 I don't know if they did.

01:36:27.420 I think he did.

01:36:28.180 It said that he died in his sleep.

01:36:30.400 Yeah.

01:36:30.780 Man, that just broke my heart.

01:36:32.600 Yeah, that's terrible.

01:36:33.380 And then you have to go out and play.

01:36:34.700 I know.

01:36:35.160 When you see those games where they're like, yeah, his mom just died last night and he's

01:36:39.220 got a pitch or something.

01:36:40.740 Yeah.

01:36:41.160 You're like, oh, my God.

01:36:42.860 Did you see the Manti Teo documentary?

01:36:45.040 No.

01:36:45.620 I think you're the one that told me about it.

01:36:46.880 Yeah.

01:36:47.200 It was like the Catfish documentary.

01:36:49.060 It's unbelievable.

01:36:49.680 I want to see it because I remember when it happened.

01:36:52.680 Well, yeah.

01:36:53.460 So, yeah, there's a guy.

01:36:56.420 He grew up playing football and there's a guy who turns into a woman.

01:37:02.000 And she's the one who was pretending to be this girlfriend the whole time.

01:37:10.700 She.

01:37:11.460 So, it's a guy.

01:37:12.560 It's a trans or cross dresser or trans.

01:37:15.380 They didn't really go into it.

01:37:16.500 Okay.

01:37:17.120 So, the person who was faking him pretending to be a girl was actually a guy.

01:37:23.920 Is that illegal?

01:37:25.200 I don't know how that works.

01:37:25.820 Who turned into a girl.

01:37:26.940 Okay.

01:37:27.260 So, the guy became a girl.

01:37:28.300 Yeah.

01:37:29.360 Okay.

01:37:29.760 The guy became a girl and just catfished him for a long time.

01:37:33.740 And he just had really – he seemed like he just has kind of very simple Christian beliefs.

01:37:37.280 Not simple, but like basic philosophies of faith and like –

01:37:40.960 Right.

01:37:42.000 Obviously, some gullibility, you know.

01:37:44.220 But, fuck, I've been catfished before.

01:37:47.180 It's very spooky.

01:37:48.900 But, I mean, the story is unbelievable.

01:37:50.680 And then they kind of like champion the girl.

01:37:53.500 Like she was like coming into her own.

01:37:55.520 It's like it doesn't even like – they're like – but it ruined this.

01:37:59.400 It like didn't ruin it.

01:38:00.920 Yeah.

01:38:01.080 Well, I mean –

01:38:01.820 But it definitely marred this guy's life.

01:38:02.960 There's a documentary about it that the guy's now fucking has to deal with.

01:38:06.340 He dropped to the third round of the NFL draft and he was a Heisman candidate.

01:38:09.700 Remember?

01:38:10.100 Yeah.

01:38:10.380 I remember that.

01:38:11.520 Yeah.

01:38:11.760 No.

01:38:11.980 I mean –

01:38:12.100 And at the end, they're like showing the girl dancing.

01:38:14.000 It's like – but at least I – you know, it's like this is how I learned to come

01:38:17.400 into my own.

01:38:18.300 And it's like –

01:38:18.940 With genital trickery.

01:38:20.500 Yeah.

01:38:20.940 But it's like –

01:38:21.340 Come on, man.

01:38:22.600 It's crazy that Netflix like kind of championed her like as if –

01:38:26.260 Yeah.

01:38:26.560 I mean, come on.

01:38:27.300 That's not cool.

01:38:28.400 But then Teo said, you know, he's very much about forgiveness and –

01:38:33.960 Well, right.

01:38:34.480 It was fascinating.

01:38:35.680 It was just like, man, I'd have been way more Teo.

01:38:39.740 There would have been genital warfare.

01:38:41.640 Yeah, because they – she pretended also then to be the brother of the girl he was dating

01:38:45.960 or communicating with and then he's – she's like – she called as her own brother and

01:38:52.500 said that the girl was – was dead.

01:38:55.320 Then called back a few weeks later and said –

01:38:57.760 She's back?

01:38:58.460 Yeah, she's back.

01:38:59.940 What?

01:39:01.200 So now he's into zombies or what is going on?

01:39:03.760 What happened there?

01:39:04.620 Scooby-Doo, bro.

01:39:05.300 The whole thing.

01:39:06.300 Dude, booby-doo.

01:39:07.640 Oh, it was like –

01:39:08.580 Booby-Dookey.

01:39:09.540 Oh.

01:39:10.600 Yeah, that's weird.

01:39:11.340 I'll check it out.

01:39:12.300 Have you ever been catfished?

01:39:14.000 Buy a catfish.

01:39:15.400 Yeah.

01:39:15.620 Oh, really?

01:39:16.600 Fucking – but, you know, it was hot.

01:39:19.400 It was hot fish.

01:39:20.080 Big mouth.

01:39:21.000 I was like, game on.

01:39:22.320 It turned out it was a salmon.

01:39:23.960 Ugh.

01:39:24.600 I'm like, this motherfucker.

01:39:26.400 Salmon can't be choosers, dude.

01:39:28.580 Exactly, man.

01:39:30.260 Sam-o!

01:39:32.220 No, I haven't.

01:39:33.140 I'm not a big internet person.

01:39:36.080 I just think it's weird.

01:39:37.500 You know, it happens for some people, but I don't know.

01:39:39.500 I got catfished before, man.

01:39:41.060 Yeah, of course you did because you grew up in a fucking swamp on Alcatraz.

01:39:45.040 That's true.

01:39:46.380 Was it fried catfish or breaded?

01:39:48.640 Oh, it was blackened.

01:39:51.500 Ooh.

01:39:52.020 You know what I'm saying, brother.

01:39:53.080 I know what you're saying.

01:39:53.800 Yeah.

01:39:54.500 I think we all do.

01:39:55.700 Did it go the distance, or what did you do?

01:40:00.080 No, I ended up talking to the person on the phone when I was about to go into a Panera bread.

01:40:04.700 And I stepped out and took the call, and it was a man.

01:40:08.780 It was a black male.

01:40:10.920 Mm-hmm.

01:40:11.340 And trying to pretend to be a woman.

01:40:14.200 And I'd been texting with this gal for a while, and then it was like, wow.

01:40:18.820 You know?

01:40:19.740 Did you guys still hit it off?

01:40:22.120 No, I was nice for a little bit, because I had a couple minutes to kill anyway.

01:40:25.060 I don't even like Panera.

01:40:25.840 And I had a couple minutes to kill anyway, and I was like, uh...

01:40:29.240 You go to Panera bread a lot, by the way.

01:40:30.960 I don't like it.

01:40:32.260 People always are like, let's meet at Panera.

01:40:34.220 And I'm like, it's bread, dude.

01:40:36.560 Yeah.

01:40:36.740 It's basically like, it's like a library for fat, you know?

01:40:41.040 It's like, I don't want to go in there.

01:40:44.080 Dude, yeah.

01:40:44.640 It's like, hey, want this apple?

01:40:45.720 Want all this bread?

01:40:47.460 Want a cookie with your bread?

01:40:48.840 Want some bread with your bread, bread?

01:40:51.040 It's too much bread.

01:40:52.400 Hey, you want this hat, this bread hat?

01:40:54.440 And your fucking cousin's wearing a damn...

01:40:56.280 He has a PETA vest, you know, it's like...

01:40:58.600 Yeah, it's stupid, man.

01:40:59.800 I remember I got a bread turtleneck there.

01:41:01.800 And I was like, why did I buy this?

01:41:03.940 And I would just eat around the turtleneck.

01:41:07.400 It was stupid, man.

01:41:08.440 Dude, my nephew...

01:41:09.060 It's a fucking band called Bread.

01:41:10.660 I never even heard of them.

01:41:11.420 My nephew hurt his back.

01:41:12.860 They put a fucking tight baguette around his neck.

01:41:15.600 Oh, my God.

01:41:16.400 Like, Jesus.

01:41:17.660 Yeah, my dad lost his leg,

01:41:19.300 and they gave him a fucking whole baguette as a peg leg.

01:41:23.860 And then birds, you know, just kept eating his leg.

01:41:26.320 It was a nightmare, dude.

01:41:27.160 We went through hell.

01:41:28.400 The whole thing's insane.

01:41:29.920 Yeah, no, it's scary.

01:41:31.300 They need to stop.

01:41:32.000 I don't know if we've covered everything.

01:41:34.300 Anything else you think we need to hit, Zach?

01:41:35.640 Any good news going on?

01:41:37.960 I feel good.

01:41:38.860 We hit a lot of it.

01:41:39.720 The last thing I was going to pull up,

01:41:41.160 and you just mentioned this earlier about, like,

01:41:42.920 is it even worth going to college anymore,

01:41:45.080 is there was a study that one in four Gen Zers

01:41:47.320 plan on being an influencer.

01:41:49.560 Wow.

01:41:49.940 Oh, my God.

01:41:50.880 And shockingly enough, in this study,

01:41:53.100 the men think they're more likely to be influencers

01:41:56.480 than the women, and they're relying on it more.

01:41:58.340 But do you see where the, well, first of all,

01:42:02.120 you have to understand, there's going to be less,

01:42:04.420 because of automation, there will probably be less jobs

01:42:06.860 in the future.

01:42:07.840 Right.

01:42:08.480 I was talking about this with Joe Rogan,

01:42:10.320 that they have, at one point,

01:42:13.120 it's going to come to the fact that you're going to have,

01:42:14.700 like, everybody's going to have, like,

01:42:16.980 a gig economy or is going to be an influencer.

01:42:20.440 You're going to have, like, two Uber drivers

01:42:22.760 holding each other at gunpoint

01:42:24.760 to get the other person

01:42:26.340 to be their fare, you know?

01:42:29.000 Right.

01:42:29.080 It's like everybody's going to be an Uber driver

01:42:31.020 or everybody's going to be an influencer.

01:42:32.860 Like, watch me right now, you know?

01:42:34.760 Subscribe to my tits, you know?

01:42:36.780 Like, get in my, like,

01:42:38.500 we're literally going to be fighting

01:42:40.220 to have the other person be

01:42:42.500 the consumer.

01:42:45.900 I mean, we already are,

01:42:46.920 but if more actual jobs go away,

01:42:49.760 you're going to have people holding,

01:42:51.720 subscribe to my pussy, you know?

01:42:53.960 Right.

01:42:54.760 Yeah, subscribe.

01:42:56.380 Subscribe to my butthole

01:42:57.680 that's different than everybody else's.

01:43:01.900 But, I mean,

01:43:02.660 how many things can you influence?

01:43:04.040 I don't even,

01:43:04.380 it's such a broad term.

01:43:06.000 It's like,

01:43:06.660 you're an influencer,

01:43:07.620 so what is that?

01:43:09.000 You're just going to have billions of people

01:43:10.680 just dancing,

01:43:12.200 and then, you know,

01:43:12.960 I don't understand.

01:43:14.380 Well, that's a good point, too.

01:43:15.240 And also, being an influencer,

01:43:16.520 people are just on social media.

01:43:18.240 So, I think that's all that this means, right?

01:43:21.160 I mean, Zach,

01:43:21.700 in a way,

01:43:22.420 that's kind of all they're saying.

01:43:23.480 You know,

01:43:23.640 it's like,

01:43:23.900 they could just be kind of saying that.

01:43:26.120 Yeah, I mean,

01:43:26.560 they're basically just saying that,

01:43:28.000 like,

01:43:28.160 I guess when they're looking at their future,

01:43:29.980 I think these kids are realizing

01:43:31.160 that they have to grow up,

01:43:32.600 like,

01:43:32.820 monetizing themselves in apps,

01:43:35.280 which is, like,

01:43:36.020 kind of fucked up.

01:43:37.200 But, yeah, I mean,

01:43:38.840 Yeah, we still need fucking doctors

01:43:40.780 and lawyers.

01:43:41.460 Like, go to school.

01:43:42.120 Right.

01:43:42.360 Fuck.

01:43:42.640 I mean,

01:43:42.780 I just couldn't do it

01:43:43.700 because I didn't have the money

01:43:44.980 or the grades or the brain.

01:43:46.520 Yeah.

01:43:46.760 But if you're smart,

01:43:48.220 you know,

01:43:48.440 fucking go to college.

01:43:50.480 I'm not shitting on college at all.

01:43:52.920 I mean,

01:43:53.400 if you utilize it,

01:43:54.360 and it's tricky for kids,

01:43:55.260 it always has been,

01:43:56.260 about what do you want to do

01:43:57.300 when you're 18?

01:43:58.000 You're like,

01:43:58.180 I don't fucking know, dude.

01:43:59.900 But, I mean,

01:44:00.320 hopefully, like,

01:44:00.800 you can find,

01:44:01.820 hopefully college can,

01:44:02.980 if you're open to it,

01:44:03.800 find you a path of, like,

01:44:05.980 you know,

01:44:06.360 finding something that you want to do.

01:44:07.860 That can,

01:44:08.360 that college can facilitate.

01:44:10.180 Yeah.

01:44:10.720 I don't know.

01:44:12.200 College is,

01:44:12.700 it seems fun

01:44:13.460 because I love college sports,

01:44:14.680 watching hoop and football,

01:44:16.240 and, like,

01:44:16.640 you see the games,

01:44:17.680 everybody's all fired up.

01:44:18.800 My buddy went to,

01:44:19.480 my brother went to Madison,

01:44:21.540 and you watch Madison,

01:44:22.380 like,

01:44:22.480 in the House of Pain,

01:44:23.660 and they play,

01:44:24.060 and they all jump around.

01:44:25.300 Like,

01:44:25.520 that would be fun

01:44:26.020 just to go to college for that.

01:44:28.620 Oh, yeah,

01:44:29.240 I think that's one of the best.

01:44:29.900 Just only to go to football games.

01:44:31.400 That's one of the best experiences,

01:44:32.720 I think,

01:44:32.960 over the years

01:44:33.740 of traveling to do comedy

01:44:35.680 is sometimes being in a city

01:44:36.940 or a town

01:44:37.860 where there's a good college game

01:44:39.040 on that next day,

01:44:39.740 and you stay an extra day

01:44:40.720 and you go.

01:44:41.580 And you,

01:44:42.540 I remember you applied

01:44:43.400 to Cracker Barrel

01:44:44.120 to go to college there.

01:44:45.280 Well,

01:44:45.700 I applied to their

01:44:46.720 technical institute.

01:44:48.080 Right.

01:44:48.660 You know,

01:44:49.160 it's where they make a lot of the,

01:44:50.200 CB Tech.

01:44:50.680 It's where they make

01:44:51.400 a lot of the condiments.

01:44:52.640 Yeah.

01:44:53.240 You know?

01:44:54.100 Mm-hmm.

01:44:54.540 But,

01:44:55.780 um,

01:44:57.620 they should do it.

01:44:58.180 But isn't that crazy,

01:44:59.240 though,

01:44:59.400 that that's,

01:44:59.880 it's like,

01:45:00.460 I even noticed

01:45:01.200 my little niece

01:45:01.940 the other day

01:45:02.360 got a separate channel,

01:45:03.700 like,

01:45:03.840 started her own,

01:45:04.600 like,

01:45:04.880 separate channel.

01:45:06.020 Mm-hmm.

01:45:06.360 And it's just like,

01:45:08.460 well,

01:45:08.660 this is,

01:45:09.040 this is just what,

01:45:10.600 it's part of life.

01:45:12.040 It's like,

01:45:12.280 you have to have

01:45:12.960 this other existence

01:45:14.340 that means

01:45:16.760 almost more

01:45:17.780 than your actual existence.

01:45:20.780 What do you mean?

01:45:21.420 Like,

01:45:21.700 metaverse shit?

01:45:22.560 I mean,

01:45:22.800 it's,

01:45:23.160 well,

01:45:23.360 you're,

01:45:23.720 yeah,

01:45:23.980 like,

01:45:24.240 your,

01:45:24.380 your,

01:45:24.720 your,

01:45:25.060 your existence

01:45:26.060 of online,

01:45:28.500 your personality.

01:45:29.820 Right.

01:45:30.200 In the future.

01:45:31.240 Yeah.

01:45:31.580 I mean,

01:45:31.780 you can create a life

01:45:32.900 or a life that people see

01:45:34.780 you,

01:45:35.260 they think you live,

01:45:36.360 you know what I mean?

01:45:37.220 Right,

01:45:37.520 but that's,

01:45:38.000 it's like,

01:45:38.340 that's become,

01:45:39.700 it feels like

01:45:40.780 if that many people

01:45:41.640 are gonna think

01:45:42.260 that they're gonna be

01:45:42.780 influencers,

01:45:43.520 if,

01:45:44.260 then you're like,

01:45:46.100 that's gonna be

01:45:46.780 a big part of,

01:45:48.440 don't judge me

01:45:49.220 as a person,

01:45:49.900 judge whatever this

01:45:50.880 idea of me is

01:45:52.040 that I'm presenting,

01:45:52.740 you know?

01:45:53.220 Right,

01:45:53.560 but people also thought,

01:45:54.660 like,

01:45:54.940 that guys were gonna

01:45:55.660 have hair like

01:45:56.340 Motley Crue

01:45:56.920 for the rest of their lives.

01:45:58.040 That's a good point.

01:45:58.600 So,

01:45:58.940 I mean,

01:45:59.240 shit goes in and out.

01:46:00.300 We'll see.

01:46:01.440 Let's see.

01:46:02.100 We'll see what happens.

01:46:03.060 Did we cover a lot?

01:46:04.180 Yeah,

01:46:04.380 we did,

01:46:04.640 bruh.

01:46:05.020 I think we did.

01:46:06.140 Nick Swartzen,

01:46:06.920 where can people,

01:46:07.940 jokes from my face tour?

01:46:10.160 Make joke from face.

01:46:11.460 Make joke from face tour.

01:46:12.200 And then,

01:46:12.560 yeah,

01:46:13.320 nickswartzen.net

01:46:14.460 has all my dates.

01:46:15.400 Real Nick Swartzen

01:46:15.980 on Instagram.

01:46:16.880 Here we go,

01:46:17.320 right here.

01:46:17.680 Yeah,

01:46:17.940 dude,

01:46:18.220 look at that.

01:46:20.020 Beautiful.

01:46:20.380 And then it's bleeding

01:46:21.080 into next year,

01:46:21.880 I'm adding more dates.

01:46:22.740 I'm adding Mobile,

01:46:23.700 Alabama,

01:46:24.640 which I love,

01:46:25.180 Atlanta,

01:46:26.420 Vegas,

01:46:27.540 I'm announcing,

01:46:28.420 and then working

01:46:28.860 on Kansas City,

01:46:29.600 St. Louis,

01:46:30.120 some other places.

01:46:30.920 Man.

01:46:31.440 It's super fun,

01:46:32.260 man.

01:46:32.420 It's a fun show.

01:46:33.540 I love this act.

01:46:34.320 I'm retiring a lot

01:46:35.220 of the stories

01:46:36.440 and it's fun as shit,

01:46:37.980 man.

01:46:38.460 You seem really motivated.

01:46:40.360 Yeah,

01:46:40.660 I'm fired up,

01:46:41.300 man.

01:46:42.320 Yeah,

01:46:42.520 it's good shit.

01:46:44.020 Yeah.

01:46:44.500 And then I got

01:46:45.240 three rated R comedies

01:46:46.320 coming out.

01:46:47.380 Reno 911,

01:46:48.180 Christmas,

01:46:49.220 The Binge 2,

01:46:50.080 which is based on

01:46:50.700 the Binge movie

01:46:51.460 with Vince Vaughn,

01:46:52.620 sequel,

01:46:53.100 and then Buddy Games 2,

01:46:54.520 which is Buddy Games

01:46:55.420 that we did

01:46:55.980 that did great

01:46:57.580 over quarantine.

01:46:58.380 And then I'm

01:47:00.560 writing this movie

01:47:01.340 with Goose

01:47:02.140 and the director

01:47:02.680 of Grandma's Boy

01:47:03.480 and then you're

01:47:03.940 developing the movie

01:47:04.580 with David.

01:47:05.200 So we got some shit

01:47:06.380 in the fucking pipeline,

01:47:07.560 dude.

01:47:08.400 Trying to stay busy,

01:47:09.440 trying to stay alive.

01:47:10.520 Nick Swartz and I love you,

01:47:11.480 man.

01:47:11.940 Love you too.

01:47:12.260 I'm happy for you

01:47:13.020 and I'm glad

01:47:13.440 that you seem healthy

01:47:14.220 and yeah,

01:47:15.920 I want to come see a show,

01:47:16.980 dude.

01:47:17.600 Come to a show

01:47:18.220 anytime, man.

01:47:19.260 Yeah.

01:47:19.740 And we'll fucking

01:47:20.380 get a switch

01:47:21.600 and just hammer each other's

01:47:23.140 genitals.

01:47:23.440 Oh, dude.

01:47:24.660 On stage.

01:47:25.520 That's what I'm talking

01:47:26.200 about, dude.

01:47:27.460 Only a one-of-a-kind

01:47:29.320 B-hole right here.

01:47:31.080 You can't beat him.

01:47:31.960 Nick Swartzen.

01:47:32.760 Thanks, man.

01:47:33.400 Yeah, bud.

01:47:33.740 Now I'm just floating

01:47:35.480 on the breeze

01:47:36.600 and I feel I'm falling

01:47:38.220 like these leaves

01:47:39.560 I must be

01:47:40.640 cornerstone

01:47:42.880 Oh, but when I reach

01:47:46.700 that ground

01:47:47.460 I'll share this peace

01:47:48.940 of mind

01:47:49.600 I found

01:47:50.260 I can feel it

01:47:51.660 in my bones

01:47:53.780 But it's gonna take

01:47:56.680 Ladies and gentlemen,

01:48:00.160 I'm Jonathan Kite

01:48:01.180 and welcome to Kite Club,

01:48:02.860 a podcast where I'll be

01:48:04.140 sharing thoughts on things

01:48:05.200 like current events,

01:48:06.540 stand-up stories,

01:48:07.560 and seven ways

01:48:08.460 to pleasure your partner.

01:48:10.260 The answer may shock you.

01:48:12.000 Sometimes I'll interview

01:48:12.900 my friends.

01:48:14.140 Sometimes I won't.

01:48:15.740 And as always,

01:48:16.580 I'll be joined

01:48:17.140 by the voices in my head.

01:48:18.680 You have three

01:48:19.920 new voice messages.

01:48:21.660 A lot of people

01:48:22.760 are talking about

01:48:23.660 Kite Club.

01:48:24.580 I've been talking

01:48:25.400 about Kite Club

01:48:26.280 for so long,

01:48:27.240 longer than anybody else.

01:48:28.880 So great.

01:48:30.240 Hi,

01:48:30.880 sweetheart.

01:48:31.920 Here's a deal.

01:48:33.180 Anyone who doesn't

01:48:34.080 listen to Kite Club

01:48:35.020 is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:48:37.160 Jermaine.

01:48:38.440 Ho-ho!

01:48:39.220 I'll take a quarter pounder

01:48:40.580 with cheese

01:48:41.080 and a McFlurry.

01:48:42.240 Sorry, sir,

01:48:42.720 but our ice cream machine

01:48:43.460 is broken.

01:48:44.320 Ho-ho-ho!

01:48:45.580 No!

01:48:45.960 I think Tom Hanks

01:48:47.820 just butt-dialed me.

01:48:49.060 Anyway,

01:48:49.840 first rule of Kite Club

01:48:50.720 is tell everyone

01:48:52.180 about Kite Club.

01:48:53.240 Second rule of Kite Club

01:48:54.400 is tell everyone

01:48:56.040 about Kite Club.

01:48:57.460 Third rule,

01:48:58.380 like and subscribe

01:48:59.080 wherever you listen

01:49:00.060 to podcasts

01:49:00.600 or watch us

01:49:01.920 on YouTube, yeah?

01:49:03.220 And yes,

01:49:03.780 don't worry,

01:49:04.520 my Brad Pitt impression

01:49:05.520 will get better.

01:49:06.300 Thank you.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 30, 2022

E406 Nick Swardson

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