This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E417 Dana Carvey

00:00:00.000 We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.

00:00:02.300 Rocky's vacation, here we come.

00:00:05.060 Whoa, is this economy?

00:00:07.180 Free beer, wine, and snacks.

00:00:09.620 Sweet! 0.95

00:00:10.720 Fast-free Wi-Fi means I can make dinner reservations before we land.

00:00:14.760 And with live TV, I'm not missing the game.

00:00:17.800 It's kind of like, I'm already on vacation.

00:00:20.980 Nice! 0.94

00:00:22.140 On behalf of Air Canada, nice travels.

00:00:25.260 Wi-Fi available to Airplane members on Equipped Flight.

00:00:27.340 Sponsored by Bell. Conditions apply.

00:00:28.560 See AirCanada.com.

00:00:30.000 It's never too early to start thinking about gifts.

00:00:33.560 And you gotta do a gift for somebody.

00:00:35.220 Get them something. They want something.

00:00:36.700 You get it.

00:00:38.080 This season, Manscaped has some beautiful gifts

00:00:41.440 to keep your little drummer boy out of the weeds.

00:00:45.860 You know what I'm saying?

00:00:47.140 It's the Lawn Mower 4.0.

00:00:50.140 It'll keep you trimmed up around your package.

00:00:52.300 You can do it all by going to Manscaped.com slash Theo.

00:00:56.360 Get 20% off and free shipping at Manscaped.com slash T-H-E-O.

00:01:02.700 That's 20% off with free shipping at Manscaped.com slash Theo.

00:01:08.260 Manscaped.

00:01:09.000 Get your jingle balls ready for the holidays.

00:01:11.960 We got new merch.

00:01:13.840 Some new colorways in the Be Good to Yourself collection.

00:01:18.160 We've got hoodies in plum and moss.

00:01:22.640 We've also got T-shirts in lilac, moss, and blue mist.

00:01:28.160 I hope you enjoy those.

00:01:29.580 Those are good colors.

00:01:31.660 Get that hitter and more at TheoVonStore.com.

00:01:34.840 I'd also like to announce some new tour dates.

00:01:38.300 I will be coming with the Return of the Rat Tour.

00:01:41.880 January 26th to Louisville, Kentucky.

00:01:45.340 January 28th, Indianapolis.

00:01:48.460 February 2nd, Shreveport, Louisiana.

00:01:53.000 February 4th, Baton Rouge.

00:01:56.200 March 24th, Corpus Christi.

00:02:00.740 March 25th, Houston, Texas.

00:02:03.480 April 26th, Phoenix.

00:02:06.000 Down there in the sun.

00:02:07.740 May 13th, New York City.

00:02:11.640 And June 1st, Austin, Texas.

00:02:15.740 All those shows go on sale Wednesday, November 16th at 10 a.m.

00:02:23.100 Local time with the code RATKING.

00:02:27.380 That's the pre-sale.

00:02:29.760 You can get any ticket through TheoVon.com slash T-O-U-R.

00:02:37.000 Just make sure you go through there to get accurately priced seats.

00:02:41.280 And thank you guys.

00:02:42.980 And we love you.

00:02:44.320 Today's guest, I mean, he's got more voices in him than a dang schizophrenic.

00:02:49.280 You know, he's a real, you know, he just, his impersonations and his ability to imagine and create at the same time.

00:03:00.280 It's a remarkable gift to the world.

00:03:04.240 And we've seen it through his work on Saturday Night Live, his countless films, Wayne's World, his new podcast, Fly on the Wall with David Spade, and his new scripted podcast with Dex Carvey and Julian Matulich.

00:03:22.500 We're going to learn a little bit about that today.

00:03:25.380 I'm grateful to get to spend time with him, Mr. Dana Carvey.

00:03:29.900 Well, the worst thing you can do is say to yourself, 0.99

00:03:59.880 I wonder if I'll get an erection. 0.99

00:04:02.720 Yeah. 0.98

00:04:04.480 The whole idea of sex is not thinking.

00:04:08.580 And all you have to do is concentrate on turning yourself on.

00:04:13.060 Because they asked me that once on a podcast.

00:04:15.100 They go, how do you turn someone on?

00:04:17.440 You go, turn yourself on. 1.00

00:04:18.680 Damn. 1.00

00:04:20.480 True. 1.00

00:04:21.260 Focus on that.

00:04:23.320 Yeah, I think I, I like, yeah, I mean, I've had probably libido issues since I was probably, I would bet eight or nine months old.

00:04:30.060 I don't know.

00:04:30.820 Well, but you're, okay.

00:04:32.960 Well, you don't have a libido until you go through puberty, really.

00:04:37.260 Right?

00:04:37.760 Okay.

00:04:38.120 I mean, who has a libido when they're in diapers?

00:04:41.540 I mean, what are you talking about?

00:04:44.020 But, you know.

00:04:45.340 I don't know.

00:04:45.980 I have to look at some pictures and see what, you know, see what was going on back then.

00:04:49.480 But, yeah, I felt like, I don't know when that libido starts cranking up.

00:04:55.160 Well, it's normally, I'll just play doctor, when puberty happens is when libido kicks up.

00:05:02.200 I'm going to say that.

00:05:03.920 Yeah.

00:05:04.660 We had a party in our neighborhood.

00:05:06.100 This guy had, he was an Elvis impersonator, right?

00:05:08.180 And he had a party for his child whenever he went through puberty, I remember.

00:05:12.080 And we went over there.

00:05:12.620 Well, that's kind of like a bar mitzvah, kind of, right?

00:05:15.040 I guess.

00:05:15.620 I don't know.

00:05:16.160 I'd never, I'd never been to anything like that.

00:05:17.840 I think it was like some part of, I don't know if it was like a church program or whatever, but, yeah, this fella got all pubescent or whatever.

00:05:24.140 And so, they invited everybody over there for cake or whatever.

00:05:27.700 When I turned 13, my dad headbutt me and I saw stars.

00:05:31.280 Yeah.

00:05:31.700 You think you're a man?

00:05:32.600 Poof.

00:05:34.080 That's a star mitzvah, dude.

00:05:38.000 That's the same thing, bro.

00:05:39.160 I tell everybody, Mike Myers always said the one movie had was a headbutt.

00:05:43.820 And you always come up slow.

00:05:45.060 If you know there's going to be a fight, like, what's up?

00:05:46.560 We got to have peace.

00:05:47.580 Boom.

00:05:48.140 And it really is efficient.

00:05:49.800 Yeah.

00:05:50.100 Didn't you have that in Louisiana?

00:05:51.400 A move?

00:05:51.700 A headbutt?

00:05:52.220 Headbutt.

00:05:52.660 The sudden friendly one.

00:05:54.020 I don't know, Jed.

00:05:55.700 We should get along.

00:05:57.000 We can share the fishing hole.

00:05:58.880 Boom.

00:05:59.280 I don't know where you grew up.

00:06:02.820 I know it's down in that area of the world.

00:06:04.900 Yeah.

00:06:05.200 I think a good headbutt.

00:06:06.680 What was a good move down there?

00:06:07.940 A good headbutt.

00:06:08.600 Oh, mace, I think, was popular by us.

00:06:11.420 Are you a little warm day now?

00:06:12.520 Well, no, I'm not.

00:06:13.660 Well, this is for Arctic weather, but I just want to keep the blue around me because it's

00:06:17.420 hip.

00:06:17.740 Yeah, it is.

00:06:18.160 I'm, like, in a little cozy.

00:06:19.820 Yeah, I can't believe how good I look today.

00:06:21.640 Yeah.

00:06:22.040 It's amazing.

00:06:23.360 Yeah.

00:06:23.780 Isn't it interesting?

00:06:24.500 Some days you crack up, you wake up, and you're like, okay, today's going to be an okay

00:06:27.840 looking day.

00:06:29.400 I know.

00:06:30.080 Well, if I go back, I still think that a man, Lorne Michael said once, there's something

00:06:35.520 about a man in his 40s and a woman in their 20s.

00:06:38.960 They're both at the peak of their power.

00:06:41.560 So you're just coming into your peak sex symbol.

00:06:45.160 You're successful.

00:06:46.200 You're in your 40s.

00:06:47.300 Now you go start to look at 20, 21, 22.

00:06:53.120 I'll keep going.

00:06:54.140 23, 24.

00:06:55.940 But yeah, you're in your prime.

00:06:57.380 But I remember someone saying that to me.

00:06:58.940 I had this guy my age doing my hair on some kind of movie.

00:07:02.560 And I go, ah, I'm 38.

00:07:04.600 And he goes, oh, you're in your prime. 1.00

00:07:06.900 That fucker was right. 1.00

00:07:08.320 Was he? 1.00

00:07:08.840 No, but I'm in my prime now.

00:07:10.080 Yeah.

00:07:10.600 Hey.

00:07:11.440 Yeah, the prime, I guess.

00:07:12.320 Hi, I'm Johnny Positive.

00:07:13.880 The prime has to keep moving, huh?

00:07:17.300 You have to keep the prime moving, don't you?

00:07:19.740 Yeah.

00:07:20.420 If you didn't age or get older, then we'd be in some kind of hellish environment.

00:07:25.060 You think?

00:07:25.840 Yeah, we got to check out.

00:07:27.160 We got to have an expiration date.

00:07:28.580 It makes everything intense.

00:07:30.760 What if you lived a million years?

00:07:32.040 You're just like, what would you do?

00:07:33.860 I mean, you would definitely probably call in, you know, you'd show up late to work more,

00:07:40.320 I think.

00:07:41.820 Well, you know, I've always wanted to play the saxophone because my parents, I got picked

00:07:46.880 to play the saxophone in fifth grade, but it was $7 a month.

00:07:50.620 And I kept coming to school.

00:07:52.740 It's expensive, huh?

00:07:53.640 And they said, where's your saxophone?

00:07:56.380 So I go, I'll have it tomorrow.

00:07:57.880 And at one point, I think my mom said, you know, we can't afford the saxophone.

00:08:02.480 So if I lived a million years, I would spend at least 10,000 years practicing the saxophone.

00:08:07.780 Yeah.

00:08:08.720 Bro, you'd be so good then.

00:08:11.280 You'd be able to play for the king or whatever.

00:08:13.040 No, I don't think that's my skill set, but I like to bang on things and strum things.

00:08:18.440 Did you have an instrument as a child?

00:08:20.620 Was there something you got kind of early that they gave you?

00:08:22.840 Usually a parent will give a child something, give them a horn, give them a little, you know,

00:08:27.720 sometimes you see parents give them a Moroccan or whatever.

00:08:29.880 That came later.

00:08:31.540 But first, my brother and I saw the Beach Boys.

00:08:34.660 We had a band called The Surfers.

00:08:36.180 So we had the clothes hamper with a crayon.

00:08:39.400 We wrote The Surfers.

00:08:40.380 He got a one-string guitar.

00:08:41.660 He could play Louie Louie for a buck.

00:08:43.980 And I would kick the clothes hamper for my kick drum.

00:08:47.720 And then I had a Hardy Boys book for my snare.

00:08:50.200 And the two drumsticks we stole from Mickey Hart of The Grateful Dead, his store, in the 1960s,

00:08:56.240 because we were huge juvenile delinquents.

00:08:58.460 And then I met him 30 years later.

00:09:00.700 And I didn't know if it was true.

00:09:01.960 He goes, did you own a music store on Laurel Avenue in San Carlos?

00:09:04.500 He goes, yeah.

00:09:05.900 I go, I think I shoplifted there.

00:09:07.680 I handed him a 20.

00:09:08.720 But I had that.

00:09:09.640 And then I got a big bash snare drum in sixth grade.

00:09:13.540 Plastic.

00:09:14.100 But I had a muscly cousin who came down and just killed it in a day. 1.00

00:09:18.040 And why did he do it?

00:09:19.440 He just was angry that you were going to try to learn it?

00:09:21.400 No.

00:09:21.420 He was one of those muscly kids.

00:09:23.140 He's like a sixth grader.

00:09:24.680 Jay Winters.

00:09:25.400 He just was muscly.

00:09:26.820 Every time he'd visit him, he'd crouch like he was going to wrestle you.

00:09:30.420 Yeah.

00:09:30.880 You know, one of those cousins?

00:09:31.980 Like, I don't want to wrestle you, dude.

00:09:33.320 And so he broke the big bash.

00:09:35.600 But do you remember what toy blew your mind?

00:09:38.920 Because I always ask people this.

00:09:40.320 This is what I say, the big three from five to 12.

00:09:43.220 All right. 0.99

00:09:43.660 Movie or TV show where you went, holy shit. 1.00

00:09:46.520 Toy you had where you went, holy shit. 1.00

00:09:48.380 And then a bike where you felt like an adventure. 0.99

00:09:51.500 The bike, you know.

00:09:53.740 Yeah, I think the bike was, it had those spoke things, those little thinks, those little

00:09:59.660 thinks.

00:10:00.180 Whenever the wheel turned, like the little thing would slide down, the little, it had

00:10:03.340 like a little, a little, you know, a thing that they used to count if you can't count

00:10:07.920 real good and you slide it.

00:10:09.140 Oh, okay.

00:10:09.580 So it had like a little ticker thing.

00:10:11.580 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:12.240 Something like a little, like these little, can you pull it up, Zach?

00:10:16.040 Abacus?

00:10:16.880 No, can you pull up what I'm talking about?

00:10:17.900 Just like the spoke.

00:10:18.540 Because we would do a clothespin and playing cards to get the motor sound.

00:10:22.240 That's fire.

00:10:22.800 You did that too, right?

00:10:24.140 Yeah, they, yeah, we got up, sold some garbage, a little deal, but it would tink.

00:10:27.740 And then this hot girl sometimes would ride on it with me, you know, or not that hot, 0.99

00:10:31.680 but like, you know, she like lived near me, which was hot back then, you know?

00:10:35.260 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:10:35.940 Dude, if a girl lived far and if you could throw something and hit a girl, damn, she 1.00

00:10:39.600 was fine, wasn't she? 0.99

00:10:41.240 When you were growing up?

00:10:42.400 I would say third grade, yeah.

00:10:44.680 Did you ever drop your pencil so you had to pick it up and then you'd look behind you

00:10:49.700 and the girl, you could see the girl's skirt? 0.94

00:10:53.660 Oh, drop it so she would get it?

00:10:55.200 No, drop it so you have an excuse to reach down and look back where the girl you liked

00:10:59.040 was sitting.

00:10:59.980 Yeah.

00:11:00.000 Dude, I was erect from probably...

00:11:02.460 Wait a minute, you had no libido.

00:11:04.420 Oh, I don't know if I did it.

00:11:05.500 I might've been all libido.

00:11:06.600 But I was erect probably from, yeah, I can't even imagine.

00:11:09.680 And I think from probably fifth grade to probably 31.

00:11:14.120 Did you ever have in grade school, like, okay, and you're just full bloom, you're just fantasizing,

00:11:20.400 you're in a zone, you're not paying attention, and they go, Theo, come to the chalkboard.

00:11:23.680 Yeah.

00:11:24.760 Come to the chalkboard right now.

00:11:26.600 Yeah, you're like... 0.99

00:11:27.120 And you had a full erection. 0.98

00:11:28.760 What did you do about that? 0.99

00:11:30.160 Joust.

00:11:30.620 I would joust the other guy passing me in the aisle.

00:11:33.220 That's what I would do.

00:11:34.340 Everybody was erect, man.

00:11:36.580 It was just a bunch of...

00:11:37.520 The whole classroom.

00:11:38.060 Oh, it was a bunch of, like, those tarpons passing each other in the water in middle school, in junior high.

00:11:45.300 Oh, great, man.

00:11:45.820 Every, like...

00:11:46.580 I feel like you just didn't want to get snagged on somebody's frickin' pants snout when you're walking down the hall. 0.99

00:11:52.240 I remember sometimes I would have my strap hanging off my back and we'd get hooked on somebody else's penis. 0.99

00:11:56.840 You know, because in junior high, every kid is just so damn erect, bro. 0.99

00:12:02.080 It's just like, you know, people just...

00:12:04.020 They can't handle it, you know?

00:12:05.120 You get that front rudder on you and you can't handle it as a child.

00:12:08.060 But I remember this hot girl got her toe caught in my bike. 1.00

00:12:11.680 Yes.

00:12:11.940 And we had to take her to the, like...

00:12:13.780 I don't know if it was an emergency room or just...

00:12:15.640 Mm-hmm. 0.97

00:12:15.980 Just somebody close by that had damn thread on them, you know, when we took her over there. 0.98

00:12:20.900 And I remember... 0.99

00:12:21.700 Damn thread? 0.99

00:12:22.560 You mean just cool clothes? 1.00

00:12:23.840 Oh, no.

00:12:24.360 Like, just, like, could knit her...

00:12:26.100 Oh.

00:12:26.720 You know, spruce, splice her toe back up. 0.99

00:12:29.180 Oh.

00:12:29.420 And so, I remember she got, man, she got pretty mangled up.

00:12:35.440 But she had a limp after that and I would limp with her because she was always trying to run away from me. 0.99

00:12:39.540 So, after that, it was kind of good because it kind of, you know, gave me a chance to talk to her.

00:12:42.820 So, she's out in some open field in Louisiana and she's got this hickety step because of a broken leg and you're kind of chasing her and she's trying to get away?

00:12:52.340 Originally, she'd keep away from me, but once she got her toe... 0.99

00:12:54.840 Yeah.

00:12:55.060 She rode on my bike one time, she got her toe caught in the spokes. 0.59

00:12:57.580 And that was...

00:12:58.500 And that's what slowed her down.

00:12:59.740 And it caused permanent damage or...

00:13:01.040 It caused at least maybe two months of damage.

00:13:02.880 Wow.

00:13:03.560 Okay.

00:13:04.120 God, not such a crush on her.

00:13:04.560 Well, my brother lost his front teeth two different ways in fifth grade, I think.

00:13:10.780 First, he did a wheelie on his Stingray.

00:13:13.780 Front tire went boom, chip.

00:13:16.340 They got the caps.

00:13:17.620 Then he's doing dunking yo-yos and he's going loop-de-loop. 0.96

00:13:21.080 Bam! 0.98

00:13:21.480 Chipped him again.

00:13:24.120 Only twice.

00:13:25.060 I thought there'd be a third one, man.

00:13:27.080 It'll happen still.

00:13:27.960 Dunkin' Imperials. 0.57

00:13:29.020 I once shoplifted six of those at a Woolworths.

00:13:32.220 I would go to kids on the street and go, you want a yo-yo?

00:13:35.060 And I'd go in, steal a yo-yo, bring it out.

00:13:37.820 You want one?

00:13:38.560 Dunkin' Imperial.

00:13:39.560 Go in, take it.

00:13:41.180 I was juvenile in fourth grade.

00:13:44.340 Yeah.

00:13:44.700 And what were you...

00:13:45.360 You think you were acting out about something?

00:13:46.700 I'm sitting here with Dana Carvey as well.

00:13:48.480 And I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce that.

00:13:50.180 Not at all.

00:13:50.760 And what is that?

00:13:51.400 Is Dana short for something?

00:13:52.920 Dana?

00:13:53.400 No, my name was Brett on the birth certificate.

00:13:56.440 My grandmother, because I had three older brothers, we were all stacked tight, five kids in ten years.

00:14:01.040 My mom.

00:14:02.420 And my grandmother said, they're going to call him Brett the Brat.

00:14:05.560 So I think Dana Andrews was a movie star at the time.

00:14:09.360 I think it came from that.

00:14:10.360 But I got in girls' PE classes in high school. 0.98

00:14:14.140 Like the thing would come, reports of the girls' physical education class.

00:14:17.380 And you'd show up?

00:14:18.600 Yeah.

00:14:18.920 Theo is definitely a man's name.

00:14:21.160 But Dana's a switch hitter, like Chris or Robin.

00:14:24.120 Yeah.

00:14:24.520 Robin was a wild one.

00:14:25.760 Dana.

00:14:26.240 But yeah.

00:14:26.620 That must have been nice.

00:14:27.560 I was thinking, yeah, could it be short for something maybe.

00:14:30.520 Maybe bandana, I could see.

00:14:34.120 They call me Dane the Brain, because two of my brothers were dyslexic.

00:14:38.900 So they got C's if they really tried.

00:14:41.460 So I got a few B's, and then my nickname was Dane the Brain.

00:14:44.900 Oh, yeah.

00:14:45.520 That's kind of funny.

00:14:46.180 If you're even smarter than your brother, you get classified as the Brain, even if all 1.00

00:14:49.440 y'all are dumb. 1.00

00:14:51.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:14:51.620 Not y'all, but I'm just saying.

00:14:52.700 No, y'all.

00:14:53.020 Just in any family, you know, like, this is our smart kid.

00:14:55.280 You know, we get C's.

00:14:56.380 Well, it was bad for dyslexic kids in those days, because they just put you in the yellow 1.00

00:15:02.240 book or the red reading book.

00:15:04.300 Then there was the green, pretty smart.

00:15:06.080 We got in the blue book.

00:15:07.120 We were the rock stars.

00:15:08.020 And then they would send us to the speed reading, kind of clockwork orange van, and they

00:15:12.540 would do the words like that, reading a thousand words a minute.

00:15:15.220 So that was, you know, it was a weird childhood.

00:15:18.260 But my brothers were, we were all shoppers, shoplifters and smokers.

00:15:23.860 We would steal my mom's Kent cigarettes and just wail on those.

00:15:28.080 Then we would eat ice plants so no one would smell it on our breath.

00:15:31.500 And one day we went to the mall and we, three of us, me and my two older brothers, we parked 0.98

00:15:36.000 our bikes, said, shit, someone's going to steal them. 0.98

00:15:38.400 We went into a hardware store, stole locks, locked up our bikes, went back in, shoplifted, 0.99

00:15:44.660 came home, laid everything on a table.

00:15:46.960 My brother, Brad, who I based Garth on, a science brother, he added it all up and he

00:15:51.120 goes, that's $14 and about 92 cents of stuff in those days.

00:15:57.360 So that, so there we said $14.92, it's like Columbus.

00:16:00.820 So when you were shoplifting with your brother, you'd go, are you sailing the blue?

00:16:05.780 And he goes, yeah, I'm sailing the blue.

00:16:07.580 I'm trying to get, you know.

00:16:08.740 And my brother Brad eventually would steal for the sport of it.

00:16:13.760 Like he'd go and get a whole LP album under his shirt.

00:16:16.740 And I'd go up, you see it sailing the blue?

00:16:18.680 And he goes, check it out.

00:16:20.280 I could, I could take it if I want.

00:16:22.560 I could take it because he talked like that.

00:16:24.560 And then he would put it back.

00:16:25.840 So he was like a catch and release shoplifter.

00:16:29.220 Wow.

00:16:29.720 You don't see a lot of that.

00:16:31.340 No, just for sport, just for, but he was a brilliant kid.

00:16:34.940 I mean, we would go to Battle Creek, Michigan to get something from Kellogg's, you know,

00:16:39.600 the cereal.

00:16:40.620 So you'd, you'd, you'd have to put a quarter in the envelope and he would just, he tore

00:16:45.540 a little part of the envelope open to see if they go, oh, poor kid.

00:16:49.500 If someone tore it and he would get the prize.

00:16:52.360 Or if we wanted to buy candy at the mercantile, when we went to the lake, he would have a,

00:16:58.040 he would sort of take a piece of metal and make a slug out of it and put a quarter on

00:17:02.720 top.

00:17:03.140 So the guy would think it was 50 cents.

00:17:05.100 So he was clever kid.

00:17:06.860 Dang.

00:17:07.080 He was real clever.

00:17:08.100 It sounds like he's very, I have that Ocean's 11 in him, you know, like he's got that.

00:17:11.720 Yeah.

00:17:12.480 And did he end up getting in any, any real crime?

00:17:16.560 No, he just, he became, he became a brilliant engineer.

00:17:19.060 He invented the first sort of, sort of, uh, online or sorry, computer video home thing.

00:17:25.340 It was called the video toaster with Tim Jennison in the nineties.

00:17:29.120 And he was a kid who, um, had D cell batteries.

00:17:32.940 I found a frog one day and I gave it, I thought it was dead, you know, and he kind of hooked

00:17:38.140 it up and it was sort of vibrating because he had these two D cells and he sort of wired

00:17:42.280 it up on it.

00:17:43.140 And I thought it was kind of, I was opening and, uh, I said, Brad, the eyes open it.

00:17:47.300 And this is a true story.

00:17:48.240 I do it in my act, but he's like cars.

00:17:49.560 He said, yeah, I brought him back to life.

00:17:51.380 He'll never die again.

00:17:53.240 That was, uh, but Scott and I, so he was the one, the bunk bed one.

00:17:58.560 And we were, we, y'all shared or y'all had a room with how many bunk beds in it?

00:18:02.140 The downstairs brothers that were weird, even to this day, they had a bunk bed downstairs.

00:18:06.960 Mark, two brothers, two brothers and me and Scott up there, Mark and Brad and Mark would

00:18:10.840 wet the bed like anybody's business. 0.72

00:18:13.480 So my parents got this machine in a catalog.

00:18:17.020 So it'd be like this plastic sheet and a little mechanical thing to wake him up when

00:18:22.240 he'd start to wet the bed.

00:18:23.440 So he started to wet one night, but he wet so much.

00:18:25.760 He killed the machine and that would rain down on Brad because he was the lower bunk, but

00:18:30.380 he was inventing all kinds of stuff.

00:18:32.140 But, and then Scott and I, we were upstairs and, uh, he would sleep with the covers over,

00:18:37.040 but we was a rough and tumble second day baked goods.

00:18:40.820 You know, you go to the, my mom would go to the bakery one day old, too, too expensive,

00:18:46.360 two day old.

00:18:47.240 They're almost giving it away.

00:18:48.460 Yeah.

00:18:48.720 So we put those in a freezer.

00:18:50.600 My dad would buy a side of cheap, cheap beef and he would put it in this freezer and then

00:18:56.860 we'd get it and it was almost all gristle.

00:18:59.400 Yeah.

00:18:59.740 He goes, Oh Jesus Christ, the best part's a gristle. 0.69

00:19:02.720 And it was just like gnarly steak.

00:19:05.160 So I had a blocked artery by the time I was your age.

00:19:08.380 Yeah.

00:19:08.880 Yeah.

00:19:09.140 A hundred percent blocked, man.

00:19:11.180 It was really blocked.

00:19:12.760 There was so much fight.

00:19:14.120 I think like there was so much more mystery and stuff.

00:19:18.300 It seems like when you look at like your childhood, right?

00:19:21.900 Yeah.

00:19:22.260 And then you have children now.

00:19:23.520 How many children do you have?

00:19:24.820 Two.

00:19:25.960 Okay.

00:19:26.260 And you have two male children.

00:19:27.760 That I know of, sir.

00:19:28.900 Right.

00:19:29.120 And so y'all are male heavy.

00:19:30.300 Y'all seed line is male heavy.

00:19:32.780 Yeah.

00:19:33.420 Basically.

00:19:34.600 My younger sister, my mom had four boys.

00:19:37.320 I've had two boys.

00:19:38.440 Yeah.

00:19:38.620 So a lot of, you know, I think masculinity begats masculinity.

00:19:42.860 No, that's a joke. 1.00

00:19:43.560 No, I'm just saying it's almost like a damn gay nightclub at this point. 0.99

00:19:46.600 I mean, I'm saying there's a lot of men in it. 0.99

00:19:47.960 That's all I'm saying, dude.

00:19:49.900 But. 0.66

00:19:50.060 Well, why is it a gay nightclub?

00:19:51.440 Well, I mean, you're going to have a lot of men over there, you know? 0.69

00:19:54.320 I'm just saying Jeffrey Dahmer would buy y'all a couple of sandwiches.

00:19:57.980 Well, there was a lot of wrestling.

00:19:59.340 So my dad, first of all, he loved to grow.

00:20:02.380 A scratchy beard.

00:20:04.120 And then he'd go, oh, Jesus Christ, time for the whiskers.

00:20:07.080 And you were like five years old.

00:20:08.140 You weigh like 40 pounds.

00:20:09.320 Ah.

00:20:09.820 And he would get on top of you and he'd go, whiskers.

00:20:12.180 And he would just rub his face on your face like, ah, ah.

00:20:16.420 And then he'd have me, oh, Jesus Christ, fight him.

00:20:18.920 So I had to fight my brother Scott, who seemed like a giant compared to me.

00:20:22.000 He was 12.

00:20:22.600 I was 10. 1.00

00:20:23.440 And he'd go, oh, grab his balls. 0.99

00:20:25.200 He would scream at us. 1.00

00:20:26.220 Your dad would? 1.00

00:20:26.840 Oh, Jesus Christ, grab his balls. 1.00

00:20:29.680 So that was, these are, these are good times, Theo. 0.99

00:20:32.960 Oh, yeah.

00:20:33.540 But I know, I had a Disney face when I was your age.

00:20:38.100 So people always used to think, what a, what a mellow, easy, happy life you've had.

00:20:42.720 But it was, it was good that we had each other.

00:20:45.100 Right.

00:20:45.400 It sounds like, it sounds like y'all were really close, huh?

00:20:48.600 We are, we are still now.

00:20:49.960 We survived it.

00:20:51.040 It was a fascinating time.

00:20:53.040 It was, you know, but.

00:20:55.120 You look back on your childhood pretty fondly.

00:20:57.060 It sounds like you look back on, because you have so many like memories.

00:20:59.840 I love, I'm like kind of fascinated by nostalgia and stuff.

00:21:02.780 So I think I think about those times a lot, you know?

00:21:06.240 Well, I think that those years you can't ever get back.

00:21:09.460 And those years are precious.

00:21:11.100 The thing that we were able to do is we were so independent.

00:21:15.640 There was one landline.

00:21:16.740 It was a party line.

00:21:17.700 Sometimes you pick it up and the neighbors are using it.

00:21:19.420 Oh, sorry.

00:21:20.940 So you were just gone a lot.

00:21:23.340 And my dad would go to Montana with his friends a lot.

00:21:27.400 And so we would be just on our own.

00:21:30.080 And just on, get on your Schwinn Stingray.

00:21:32.440 My brother got the Schwinn Monster Green.

00:21:34.780 My parents ran out of money.

00:21:35.880 They got me the Sears Offloader, whatever it was.

00:21:39.000 It was a cheap kickoff one, which I knew.

00:21:41.260 It was okay.

00:21:41.820 The Step Kid or whatever the bike was even called, I think.

00:21:44.100 Yeah, I think so.

00:21:45.880 Or the other, Scott was the favorite.

00:21:48.200 So we just ride around all day.

00:21:50.860 And we just, you know, I played flag football in fifth grade.

00:21:54.800 And it seemed like professional sports.

00:21:57.540 Yeah, I loved it.

00:21:58.740 Ready, break.

00:22:00.020 And I was the halfback.

00:22:01.320 And, you know, so I agree with you.

00:22:03.260 That's why I call them the Seminole Years. 1.00

00:22:04.800 I think they're so important to about 12.

00:22:08.300 And then life kind of interrupts.

00:22:10.360 But before that, you're taking in so much information, you know.

00:22:14.540 What about you?

00:22:16.020 Yeah, I mean, we had a decent time.

00:22:17.860 You at seven or eight?

00:22:18.580 What's going on in your household?

00:22:20.200 Are you scared?

00:22:21.460 Dude, I was very scared growing up, I think.

00:22:23.620 I think I just grew up like real sensitive, like super sensitive, real scared.

00:22:27.660 What was it like, I think?

00:22:33.000 Yeah, it's a lot of time alone, a lot of time with strange babysitters, you know.

00:22:36.860 We had a babysitter that got a roach in her ear one night. 1.00

00:22:39.980 And she kept like yelling at us that she had a roach in her ear. 1.00

00:22:42.720 But she spoke also Spanish or something.

00:22:45.380 I don't know if she spoke Spanish or just something was like wrong with her or something.

00:22:48.340 Or she didn't, maybe she didn't speak real well or something.

00:22:50.760 But we thought it was Spanish, you know.

00:22:52.640 Yeah, babysitters are memorable. 0.87

00:22:54.700 We had one when I was five.

00:22:56.060 My parents drove to Montana.

00:22:57.940 And you lived in Montana growing up?

00:22:59.920 No, just till age five.

00:23:01.380 But we went there every summer.

00:23:02.720 I was just there.

00:23:03.620 So I'm a native son in a sense.

00:23:05.760 But that babysitter, like I'm five and I got, she's putting back teen and a Band-Aid on my knee. 0.57

00:23:12.440 And I'm five and I'm remembering her years later, like she was a fairy princess, like gorgeous.

00:23:18.780 So I said to my brothers at the time, Mark was like 12.

00:23:22.420 And he goes, oh yes, she was just a complete knockout. 1.00

00:23:26.560 Wow.

00:23:26.860 But that's, that was a memory when I was five.

00:23:29.240 But I wasn't thinking sexually.

00:23:30.620 I just thought, it just hit my brain, you know.

00:23:33.580 You know, I've lost some of my hair.

00:23:36.280 I wasn't taking care of myself and I got off of medications that help you keep your hair. 0.98

00:23:41.160 And damn, a third of it fell out. 0.97

00:23:44.540 So that's what's happening in the world. 0.98

00:23:47.280 You know, two out of three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they are 35.

00:23:52.580 More than 50 million men in the U.S. suffer from male pattern baldness.

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00:25:24.200 Yeah, there was...

00:25:24.900 So babysitters were...

00:25:25.620 Oh, babysitters were good.

00:25:26.940 But ours was, yeah, this one lady, she was either Spanish or... 1.00

00:25:29.960 I don't know if she had, like... 0.81

00:25:30.960 She might have just had, like... 1.00

00:25:33.520 Fuck, she could have been damn narcoleptic. 1.00

00:25:34.500 Narcoleptic. 1.00

00:25:35.180 I don't remember what she... 0.83

00:25:35.680 But there was something unique about her to us, you know?

00:25:37.740 Yeah.

00:25:39.420 And she got a roach in her ear and she was trying to tell us.

00:25:44.180 And we're just kids, you know?

00:25:45.140 I remember.

00:25:45.720 And she's, like, yelling in Spanish about a roach...

00:25:48.040 Having, like, a...

00:25:49.220 I don't know what they call it.

00:25:53.300 And she's yelling at the kids? 0.95

00:25:55.500 How...

00:25:55.860 And we don't know.

00:25:56.700 We don't know what's going on.

00:25:57.800 We, you know...

00:25:58.400 We don't know if it's, like, charades.

00:25:59.820 I remember we barely knew her, you know?

00:26:01.900 And then she ended up having to go to the hospital, and she did.

00:26:04.580 A roach had got into her ear.

00:26:06.100 God, that's funny, because that's such a great word for that accent.

00:26:08.640 Because I remember Al Pacino doing a Cuban accent.

00:26:11.640 You're cacaroch.

00:26:12.900 A cacaroch is a great word. 0.91

00:26:14.840 You're cacaroch.

00:26:15.760 Cacaroch.

00:26:16.060 Cacaroch.

00:26:16.660 A cacaroch.

00:26:17.260 A cacaroch.

00:26:17.660 A cacaroch.

00:26:17.700 A cacaroch.

00:26:18.260 A cacaroch, yeah.

00:26:18.700 A cacaroch.

00:26:20.040 Sorry, am I canceled?

00:26:21.300 Can't do that accent. 0.92

00:26:22.040 No, you're good, dude.

00:26:22.980 A cacaroch.

00:26:24.020 So, yeah.

00:26:24.880 So, I just, for a second, because...

00:26:26.500 My father was Nicaraguan also.

00:26:28.440 So, you're good to do that here.

00:26:29.760 So, he had a full accent and everything?

00:26:32.080 He had probably, I would say, 40% accent.

00:26:35.320 So, you would say...

00:26:36.780 I don't know the difference.

00:26:38.040 I just know a general...

00:26:39.040 I just know Al Pacino's crazy Cuban accent. 0.99

00:26:41.660 Not at all.

00:26:42.080 So, Theo.

00:26:43.460 Why are you going to talk, Theo?

00:26:45.380 It's time for Thanksgiving dinner, Theo.

00:26:47.420 Is that how he said it?

00:26:48.420 No, he didn't.

00:26:49.240 He didn't say it.

00:26:49.460 Not that much.

00:26:50.160 He was a little lighter, you know?

00:26:51.280 Hey, Theo.

00:26:52.020 Hey, Theo.

00:26:52.780 Hey.

00:26:53.560 So, what did he think of you, you think?

00:26:55.580 Like, my dad had it in for me a little bit.

00:26:58.360 Did he...

00:26:58.720 Was he jealous of you, you think?

00:26:59.980 Yeah.

00:27:00.660 He was jealous that you were kind of, like, funny and fun?

00:27:04.000 He didn't think I was funny.

00:27:06.140 I think my brother Brad could fix things.

00:27:08.600 He's like, oh, you know, our tool drawer was really sucked.

00:27:11.760 Like, the hammer always was lost.

00:27:13.880 So, Brad would take a butter knife and fix the dryer.

00:27:16.660 And my dad would stand over him and then try to take credit for it.

00:27:20.400 He was just insecure about not being able to do that.

00:27:22.980 And then, for me, it's because my mom called me precious.

00:27:26.060 I looked kind of androgynous.

00:27:27.900 I don't know what he thought I was.

00:27:29.380 Yeah, I could see it a little.

00:27:30.480 And he was...

00:27:31.380 Oh, I definitely had very much a baby face.

00:27:33.780 And he had it in for him.

00:27:34.900 But what did your dad think of you?

00:27:35.940 Were you the favorite son?

00:27:36.880 How many brothers?

00:27:38.600 I had one brother and two sisters.

00:27:41.000 Okay.

00:27:41.440 And my dad was born in 1910, so he was an old man, right?

00:27:45.720 So...

00:27:46.080 So, by the time you were, like, 8 or 10, he was almost 80 then.

00:27:49.040 Yeah, he was almost 80.

00:27:50.060 When I was 10, he was 80.

00:27:51.320 And so, it was interesting.

00:27:53.440 I don't think I knew what he thought of me.

00:27:55.080 You know, he would be sleeping a lot.

00:27:57.100 Like, a lot of my memories are my mom waking him up

00:27:59.780 and him being kind of pissed off about stuff.

00:28:01.960 Or he'd be sitting somewhere and he would just kind of doze off.

00:28:04.880 You know, he liked to let me sometimes, like, rub on his shoulders a little bit.

00:28:10.840 Sometimes he would smell like beer.

00:28:14.740 He let me, like, drive his car whenever I could, like, was tall enough to drive.

00:28:18.820 Like, he kind of, like, let me just...

00:28:21.720 He needed help, you know, a little bit.

00:28:23.480 So, it was kind of like this trade-off a little.

00:28:25.880 But what did he think?

00:28:26.920 He thought...

00:28:27.200 Well, he's got three other kids.

00:28:29.220 Yeah.

00:28:29.420 I mean, between him and your mom, I mean, who...

00:28:32.860 Was there anyone who was the clear-cut favorite?

00:28:35.140 Or...

00:28:35.780 I was my mom's favorite.

00:28:37.200 You were?

00:28:37.740 And Scott was my dad's favorite.

00:28:39.420 Because all of a sudden, you'd come home and he has a new guitar.

00:28:41.660 You're like, it's not even Christmas or his birthday. 1.00

00:28:43.980 Fuck! 1.00

00:28:44.440 That must have been way unfair. 1.00

00:28:45.660 Oh, man.

00:28:46.520 But I was not envious of it to be Bud's favorite.

00:28:49.920 No, I didn't.

00:28:50.420 Scott didn't.

00:28:51.300 You know, that was great.

00:28:51.980 Get away from the monster.

00:28:53.200 But I thought, he's just getting toys.

00:28:55.480 He was called Scotchman or Scott the Pot.

00:28:57.680 Oh, he got it.

00:28:58.900 Did you have a nickname, Theo DeLeo?

00:29:00.560 No, I think I just had like Theo...

00:29:02.720 What is it?

00:29:03.600 Teddy, maybe, sometimes.

00:29:05.420 Did they...

00:29:05.920 Why did they name you Theo?

00:29:07.100 It's such a unique name, isn't it?

00:29:08.620 For your generation?

00:29:09.780 Yeah, my dad's name was Teodoro.

00:29:13.560 Teodoro.

00:29:14.180 Yeah.

00:29:14.460 Oh.

00:29:15.020 So we had some type of Spanish flair or something, you know?

00:29:19.500 Teodoro.

00:29:20.240 Teodoro.

00:29:20.760 Oh.

00:29:21.720 Teodoro Roosevelt.

00:29:23.140 Yeah.

00:29:23.820 I named my son, so he become a presidente.

00:29:26.380 I'm sorry.

00:29:26.760 I don't know.

00:29:27.620 Is it offensive?

00:29:28.980 Teodoro Roosevelt.

00:29:30.220 I think it's good, man.

00:29:31.140 I used to think you must have been such a cool kid because you have such a curious brain.

00:29:35.920 So I hope that you're...

00:29:37.380 What about your mom?

00:29:38.160 Didn't they kind of...

00:29:38.620 I think they didn't...

00:29:39.460 My mom was busy working, so we had these strange people that'd be over there, you know,

00:29:43.260 a lot of these babysitters.

00:29:44.380 And we'd make up stories and tell them stuff, you know?

00:29:46.900 And a lot of them, we'd have, like, it was the first...

00:29:49.700 We'd have, like, this big black lady that would take care of us or a very old woman that 1.00

00:29:53.740 would take care of us. 0.86

00:29:54.840 And just, like, we had the Spanish lady with the roach in her, you know? 1.00

00:29:59.900 So there was just, like, I think we didn't really know who was going to be there.

00:30:03.540 One time we did get the hot chick, dude. 1.00

00:30:05.540 And I remember she took me to summer camp or day camp at the YMCA.

00:30:08.960 And she drove this orange car, I don't remember.

00:30:12.140 And she played Bon Jovi.

00:30:13.700 And I just remember...

00:30:14.940 I don't think I'd ever heard music until there was, like, a hot woman present. 1.00

00:30:18.980 Oh, yeah.

00:30:19.500 And suddenly, like, I could hear music.

00:30:21.120 I was cool.

00:30:22.640 And I was like, play it again, play it again.

00:30:25.000 And, like, just, like, her, like, interacting with me or engaging with me was, like, the most

00:30:29.020 magical thing I remember.

00:30:30.520 And then, yeah, and she was not even cute, I don't think.

00:30:34.800 But I thought she was, like, just the hottest thing ever, you know?

00:30:38.060 Oh, they're, you know...

00:30:38.820 She looked like a man, actually.

00:30:41.300 She was almost like a man. 0.70

00:30:42.720 She had, like, a short haircut.

00:30:44.740 And she kind of thinks she kind of...

00:30:46.760 I think a lot of dudes would have been like, whoa, you know?

00:30:49.900 She's not my first choice of a woman, you know? 0.99

00:30:52.880 I had crushes.

00:30:54.500 I had just mad crushes with absolute shyness.

00:30:59.140 Linda Benson.

00:31:00.240 There was, like, a...

00:31:01.380 She had some tints, huh?

00:31:02.440 Seventh grade party.

00:31:03.840 And you do a makeout session, you know, in the dark.

00:31:06.340 And it was Linda Benson.

00:31:07.320 And she knew her way around that situation.

00:31:10.780 But I went...

00:31:11.120 What did they do?

00:31:11.600 They put y'all in a closet or something?

00:31:13.220 It was just a dark room.

00:31:14.860 And I, you know, seventh grade.

00:31:16.320 I'm like, what?

00:31:16.840 And suddenly, yeah, maybe we went in a closet.

00:31:18.940 Yeah.

00:31:19.240 I don't know.

00:31:20.820 But...

00:31:21.260 And what happened?

00:31:22.580 Is it, like...

00:31:23.500 The hardest part ever was, I think, trying to touch a breast or something.

00:31:26.940 And at the movies, a lot of guys, there'd be big guys, be like, touch it. 0.94

00:31:30.480 Get that titty, boy.

00:31:31.440 And they'd threaten you if you didn't do it, you know?

00:31:34.240 So then you're, like, working off of a clock, kind of as, like, a shot clock.

00:31:38.120 Well, the thing is, is that there were...

00:31:40.120 I don't know where you were.

00:31:41.700 In junior high, there's some women that go... 1.00

00:31:44.240 Right.

00:31:44.580 They come back from the summertime.

00:31:46.180 And they've been genetically gifted.

00:31:47.900 They're suddenly stunning.

00:31:49.140 Some of the guys...

00:31:50.320 We had a guy who's, like, had a little beard.

00:31:53.540 He was all muscly.

00:31:54.500 He was in eighth grade.

00:31:56.060 And I looked like a fetus with shoes.

00:31:58.420 I mean, I was...

00:31:59.340 Nothing was happening.

00:32:00.480 But, you know, I was...

00:32:02.540 I got a chip on my shoulder.

00:32:04.480 Did you?

00:32:05.280 I don't know where my drive comes from a little bit, but I hate to lose. 1.00

00:32:09.080 And I hate anyone trying to fuck with me. 0.98

00:32:12.640 But I mostly want to be nice and friendly and stuff. 0.99

00:32:14.940 But if someone goes...

00:32:16.220 I'm not good with that.

00:32:18.280 I attack pretty hard.

00:32:19.300 Not physically, but I will, you know...

00:32:21.820 Verbally, you'll get there.

00:32:23.320 I have to get the upper hand.

00:32:24.440 But Spade's got...

00:32:25.640 He's got an edge to him, too, you know.

00:32:27.980 My good buddy, Spade.

00:32:30.100 Yeah.

00:32:30.580 We had a nice time.

00:32:31.320 We had dinner the other night.

00:32:32.260 That was fun.

00:32:32.700 We ended up laughing our ass off about your comedy team.

00:32:36.120 Oh, that was...

00:32:36.520 Australian dancers in Vegas.

00:32:40.060 You know, your movie idea that they try to go to Vegas and they come, like, thunder down under.

00:32:44.400 Oh, yeah.

00:32:44.960 Like, models with their shirts off.

00:32:46.300 Oh, yeah.

00:32:46.460 But they call themselves, Calky and Bows.

00:32:48.380 On Calk, he's Bows.

00:32:50.360 Together we're Calky and Bows.

00:32:51.820 And then you have a little...

00:32:53.480 It only lasts, like, one...

00:32:55.500 It's only 30 seconds of the movie.

00:32:58.060 But that was just funny.

00:32:59.540 But, yeah, Spade...

00:33:00.160 I think we...

00:33:00.940 You know, it's like...

00:33:02.080 He's fun.

00:33:02.620 You guys have your podcast, right?

00:33:04.320 It's called Fly on the Wall.

00:33:05.760 Fly on the Wall.

00:33:06.660 It's called Fly on the Wall.

00:33:08.900 It's a promotion.

00:33:09.860 Yeah, David, known him since before SNL.

00:33:12.460 Met him when he came in.

00:33:13.620 He was always cool.

00:33:14.700 You met him before that?

00:33:15.660 Yeah.

00:33:16.160 He was, like, 21.

00:33:17.280 I was, like, 30 or something.

00:33:18.760 And did you guys seem...

00:33:20.260 Did he seem similar to you, kind of?

00:33:23.060 There was a period of time where...

00:33:25.320 Yeah, he was, like, definitely from my tribe.

00:33:28.080 You know, we have a...

00:33:29.580 You know, there's...

00:33:30.620 There was a time when he opened for me.

00:33:32.560 So he's, like, 28, 29.

00:33:34.240 I'm, like, 38.

00:33:35.640 And we...

00:33:36.380 He'd come out.

00:33:37.220 And we were playing these sheds in the round in the Northeast.

00:33:41.120 And he'd walk out.

00:33:42.140 And they'd go, whoo!

00:33:43.140 From a wide shot.

00:33:44.320 At that point, they thought it was me.

00:33:46.040 Ah.

00:33:46.340 You know?

00:33:47.440 And so...

00:33:48.340 And then they're, like, boo!

00:33:49.900 Boo! 0.83

00:33:50.100 No, but no.

00:33:50.840 Spade was so hip even then.

00:33:52.180 Eventually, he just had shorts on and a skateboard.

00:33:54.280 And he would kind of just hang over the stool.

00:33:56.440 And he's, like, what's up, everybody?

00:33:58.080 And I'd go, I had this...

00:33:58.840 You can do it that way?

00:34:00.300 I didn't even know you could do it that way.

00:34:01.860 And he was hysterical.

00:34:02.860 Because I come out jumping around.

00:34:04.240 Isn't that special?

00:34:05.100 How's the...

00:34:05.720 You know?

00:34:06.540 I drench in sweat.

00:34:07.720 And Spade's just cool.

00:34:08.640 He's got a little Diet Pepsi.

00:34:10.160 What's up, ladies?

00:34:11.480 You know?

00:34:11.760 Yeah.

00:34:12.160 So he's the coolest.

00:34:13.000 But really fun to do a podcast with him.

00:34:15.200 He can drop a little sketch in five seconds.

00:34:20.600 He can go...

00:34:21.200 He can take a story of just that the hamburger was overcooked.

00:34:24.500 The guy's going, I'm like...

00:34:25.660 And I go...

00:34:26.200 I go, hey, buddy.

00:34:27.880 Could you...

00:34:28.520 A little bit on that...

00:34:29.520 I mean, he'll create a complete sketch in five seconds.

00:34:32.860 So it's so much fun to watch.

00:34:34.720 It's so lo-fi.

00:34:36.180 He doesn't push it at all.

00:34:37.580 And you've got to go back and rewind it almost.

00:34:39.340 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:40.780 That's a remarkable way to say him.

00:34:42.560 It's like he's not out there barking about his wares.

00:34:46.260 It's just like, hey, come see what I made here.

00:34:47.920 He's got these little physical moves that represent another person.

00:34:51.760 A little effect.

00:34:52.540 Yeah.

00:34:52.960 And really funny word packages.

00:34:55.140 Hey, buddy.

00:34:56.340 Be-re. 0.97

00:34:59.040 You know?

00:35:02.120 That was...

00:35:02.720 I learned that from John the Winters.

00:35:04.000 You know?

00:35:04.240 Then the rotary dial went out and I lost my closer. 1.00

00:35:07.080 Fuck! 1.00

00:35:07.380 Oh, that's the worst. 1.00

00:35:09.300 That's the worst when time...

00:35:10.500 Yeah.

00:35:11.700 When times start to change.

00:35:13.720 Yeah, I know.

00:35:14.400 Isn't it weird about humor?

00:35:15.500 Do you find this, Dana, that I get scared that I don't know what the next generation of humor is?

00:35:21.100 Because it's almost impossible to really know it because you have to live.

00:35:26.560 You have to come up in it, really.

00:35:28.140 Yeah, I know.

00:35:28.920 It's really interesting.

00:35:29.700 I mean, obviously, I don't generally now go East.

00:35:33.800 You know, I don't do Indian accents or Japanese accents.

00:35:38.420 Really?

00:35:38.980 I can do them, you know?

00:35:41.620 And I had a bit about them and I just sort of dropped it.

00:35:44.660 I don't know.

00:35:45.420 There's this sensitivity now.

00:35:47.620 But I do agree with Bill Burr.

00:35:49.340 He was on our podcast, Fly on the Wall.

00:35:50.820 You know, that if the intent is to hurt is different than just an observation.

00:35:56.200 Yeah.

00:35:56.540 You know, I just was talking about where maybe the dialect of a Japanese accent came from.

00:36:02.080 Just that every accent, like French, is... 1.00

00:36:04.020 Where did that come from?

00:36:06.240 You know, and where did...

00:36:08.820 And I figured it's because of all the Ring of Fire, all the earthquakes.

00:36:15.500 So you're just sitting around.

00:36:19.760 You know, so that was that.

00:36:21.580 So I don't know if you'll have to edit that out, but I just thought it was funny.

00:36:26.400 Because why do they talk like that?

00:36:28.660 They could have talked like this.

00:36:30.240 Everybody could have talked like this.

00:36:31.720 All humans, all humanoids were just grunting all over the world, pointing and grunting. 1.00

00:36:37.120 And then the sounds came up.

00:36:41.560 You know, and I think the Indian was more copacetic on the trade routes.

00:36:46.800 Yeah.

00:36:51.360 You know, it's lyrical and very copacetic.

00:36:56.100 Like, I will not hurt you, but you will not hurt me.

00:36:59.640 So I don't know if you have to cut this part out.

00:37:01.460 No, I think it's interesting, man.

00:37:02.800 Because we used to play this game.

00:37:04.280 When I remember the first time we met a Japanese guy,

00:37:06.120 we'd play this game where it was like,

00:37:07.400 we would just make some sounds and see if it was something in Japanese, you know?

00:37:10.960 Oh, that's him.

00:37:11.660 We'd be like,

00:37:12.420 And then we would ask him, you know?

00:37:20.440 It's an incredible accent to listen to.

00:37:23.340 It's crazy to think that somebody has a whole different, like, Bible of what is sounds and

00:37:30.520 thoughts inside of them.

00:37:31.720 Oh, I love it.

00:37:32.200 And I'm just into rhythms.

00:37:33.400 That's all, you know, they, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

00:37:37.020 And when I hear,

00:37:39.160 I just like, it's just poetry to me, you know?

00:37:45.040 With any accent.

00:37:46.140 Well, it makes me think, too, what their thoughts and insides are like, you know?

00:37:49.320 And what some of the mechanics are like inside of it, you know?

00:37:52.260 That's what I wonder sometimes.

00:37:53.720 And where does it come from emotionally for the male and the female dynamic?

00:37:59.260 Yeah, because, like, a lot of Asian females are very, like, 1.00

00:38:03.040 And the men are kind of alpha male,

00:38:08.740 which you can sort of practice probably lowering your voice.

00:38:13.340 Yeah, it's coming from, you know? 0.94

00:38:15.180 Like a, it's almost where a semen launches from, like right there, you know? 0.94

00:38:18.880 A little bit. 0.94

00:38:24.720 Yeah.

00:38:25.560 Yeah, and that could be a guy ordering a Pepsi.

00:38:28.580 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:29.580 I don't know.

00:38:30.320 This is my favorite podcast ever.

00:38:32.080 I'm just saying, there's, I think there's a guy ordering a Pepsi.

00:38:35.540 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

00:38:36.300 Or a guy having a male orgasm. 0.99

00:38:38.660 Yeah. 0.97

00:38:38.940 And they don't have a lot of orgasms also in Japan. 0.54

00:38:42.600 And in, we're orgasm heavy over here.

00:38:45.600 I mean, we're skeeting up the landscape, you know?

00:38:47.960 And then.

00:38:48.180 Wait a minute.

00:38:48.560 We're orgasm heavy.

00:38:49.600 We're skeeting up the landscape.

00:38:51.120 So in your mind.

00:38:51.720 I think so.

00:38:52.360 In America.

00:38:53.440 We climax more than Japanese people or Asian people or any other culture.

00:38:57.820 By far, I think.

00:38:58.800 Because we are the world, literally.

00:39:00.640 Yeah.

00:39:01.400 We are the world.

00:39:02.440 You know, we're in that video?

00:39:05.060 No, but I could do a Springsteen if you want.

00:39:07.480 We are the world.

00:39:09.040 Hi, I'm Bruce Springsteen.

00:39:10.300 I'm 5'7", on a good day.

00:39:12.260 But with my boots and my cowboy hat, it's six feet of Springsteen coming at you.

00:39:16.180 Sure, I could have fixed my underbike, but why?

00:39:18.960 I'm worth a billion dollars and I love everybody.

00:39:21.920 So anyway, that's, what were we saying?

00:39:24.800 We are the Michael Jackson video.

00:39:26.480 I just mean, all the badass people of the world came to America.

00:39:30.800 All the aggressive people are, that's why we are so freedom heavy here.

00:39:36.040 If they told the anti-vaxxers, we're not going to admonish you, we're not going to say 1.00

00:39:40.220 you're a piece of shit and you're a murderer, but could you please get a vaccine? 1.00

00:39:43.680 They would have been, sure, man. 1.00

00:39:44.700 You should just ask me.

00:39:45.560 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:45.820 But if you go, you got to get one, fuck you, man. 1.00

00:39:48.700 American, no one tells me what to do. 1.00

00:39:50.540 It's true.

00:39:50.820 So it's just the wrong strategy.

00:39:52.300 Yeah.

00:39:52.720 You know, Arnold did a PSA. 1.00

00:39:54.040 It should have been, instead of, you know, fuck your freedom, it should have been, you 0.99

00:39:57.180 know, if you could look at it, you know, you could maybe go to the doctor, you get a 0.99

00:40:01.320 little injection, you know, and you help all the people.

00:40:04.100 Instead of, you're murderers. 0.97

00:40:06.680 But we are badasses.

00:40:08.300 We're the people, you know, my ancestors, just somebody at some point in Ireland just said,

00:40:13.080 I think I'm leaving.

00:40:14.020 Yeah.

00:40:14.480 I'm out there.

00:40:15.180 Where are you going?

00:40:16.380 I don't want to stay here in the rain in the potatoes.

00:40:18.280 I'm going to America. 1.00

00:40:19.060 You could get killed. 1.00

00:40:19.720 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:40:20.520 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:21.000 You know?

00:40:21.460 We'll have a better menu.

00:40:22.620 So where, you have Nicaraguan.

00:40:24.420 Polish and Nicaraguan, yeah. 0.96

00:40:25.880 So somebody probably ain't fucked on a boat, I'm guessing, because I don't know how you 0.98

00:40:28.700 even get that mix, you know, but. 0.93

00:40:30.560 That's a steamroller that went through the Suez Canal and somehow connected your mom and dad.

00:40:36.300 I don't know.

00:40:36.940 It was probably a hundred ton steamroller.

00:40:40.640 I don't know.

00:40:41.560 But I think, look, man, I want to go back to this.

00:40:43.460 I think we're semen heavy over here, right? 0.77

00:40:45.340 Okay. 0.93

00:40:45.620 So you mean, we have a lot of semen or we climax a lot? 0.88

00:40:48.680 We climax a lot here, I believe, in America because we're selling it now. 0.97

00:40:52.480 There's a lot of, and I know there's Japanese porn and stuff, but in Japan, like even if 1.00

00:40:57.300 you go there, it's hard to meet women. 1.00

00:40:58.860 There's not as much, I don't think, promiscuous sex.

00:41:01.660 From what I've heard, anyway.

00:41:04.060 Well, look, I don't know, like for me as a kid, you'd go to the dump or go in a park. 0.99

00:41:10.880 And jerk off? 0.99

00:41:11.500 No, you'd find a beat up Playboy magazine. 1.00

00:41:14.760 Oh, yeah.

00:41:16.000 And I don't understand.

00:41:17.380 I can't even wrap my mind around a 12-year-old online going on porn.

00:41:22.940 I don't know what toxicity or joy that represents, but the boys are falling behind the educational

00:41:30.800 system.

00:41:31.360 So technology gave boys video games, you know, and porn, and then said, now study your algebra.

00:41:38.480 Yeah.

00:41:39.180 I think I got something better to do.

00:41:41.920 Yeah.

00:41:42.380 You know.

00:41:43.040 I'm about to find the square of my own root.

00:41:45.860 You know what I'm saying, bro?

00:41:47.220 At least he had a smart answer.

00:41:49.260 Totally, dad.

00:41:50.200 I'm going to do it.

00:41:50.860 But so it's, the boys are behind now.

00:41:54.200 The, this is the, it's been the year of the woman for the last 30 years, which I'm okay 1.00

00:41:58.260 with, but here we are again in 2023.

00:42:00.500 It is drum roll.

00:42:02.560 Year of the woman again. 1.00

00:42:04.680 And so it's a great time to be a woman and I'm all for it.

00:42:08.080 It's just the boys have been, the porn and the video games are.

00:42:11.240 We've been really beat down. 0.79

00:42:12.760 Yeah.

00:42:13.260 Did you ever tail end that?

00:42:14.800 Did you, were you into Nintendo?

00:42:16.700 Yeah, we got Nintendo came out.

00:42:18.500 And I remember when we'd get a game on our birthday, usually you'd get a game and your

00:42:22.140 friend would come over to see what game it was.

00:42:24.240 You had that one gift and you'd open it.

00:42:26.060 And, and when porn came along, man, I remember, yeah, I would bike far for porn. 0.50

00:42:30.740 If I heard there was porn somewhere, you know, I was starved.

00:42:34.660 I was starved for like effect from like, for motherly affection.

00:42:38.620 So I think when porn came around, it really started to fulfill some of that space in my

00:42:43.180 life.

00:42:43.380 Let me, let me just unpack that for a minute.

00:42:46.340 Cause I was a therapist for a brief period of time.

00:42:48.200 Were you really?

00:42:48.600 I'm not.

00:42:49.220 No, but I, I love talking about human age.

00:42:52.600 So what do you mean you were starved for affection?

00:42:54.780 Your mom didn't give you affection?

00:42:56.000 Yeah.

00:42:56.180 I think my mom didn't like look at me much, you know, she didn't.

00:43:00.780 Did she hug you?

00:43:01.660 She didn't pick me up much.

00:43:03.400 No, I had a sister that was real sick that had a, she was born with like a rare liver 1.00

00:43:07.440 condition.

00:43:08.220 And so she is different than the rest of my siblings.

00:43:10.860 Cause she got actually like physically picked up, but my mom didn't, she doesn't know that

00:43:16.180 there's like this emotional world at all.

00:43:18.020 I think she just probably didn't get it.

00:43:19.560 You know, I don't know if I got a lot of it either.

00:43:22.840 I mean, maybe it was the sixties.

00:43:24.680 I, you know, I don't remember, you know, I love you, but she was nice.

00:43:30.300 She was sweet, but she was the 60s. 0.84

00:43:31.660 She was the 60s kid.

00:43:32.800 She was as terrified of my dad as we all were, you know, but.

00:43:37.100 Oh, your mom was.

00:43:38.340 Oh, wow.

00:43:39.040 Yeah.

00:43:39.480 But she wasn't mean. 0.52

00:43:40.360 She was sweet, but she was terrified.

00:43:42.340 We all were.

00:43:43.100 It was just like, you know, there's one time I got up.

00:43:45.840 These are just fun stories.

00:43:47.740 I got up and, you know, I was like four or five and there was no toilet paper and I had

00:43:53.240 to, you know, and so I used the towel and I was so young.

00:43:56.220 And I just put it back on the rack. 0.96

00:43:58.760 So to wipe my butt. 0.98

00:44:00.120 And my dad came out with it. 0.98

00:44:01.600 And then I had to grab my ankles in front of everybody.

00:44:04.360 And he had to ask my brothers, how many?

00:44:08.040 You had to go get his belt and he'd snap it.

00:44:11.260 You had to go grab it.

00:44:12.760 You had to go get it?

00:44:13.880 You'd get the belt and then he would snap it and you'd grab your ankles.

00:44:17.780 And then he'd ask your brothers, how many?

00:44:20.100 So then your brothers get to chime in.

00:44:22.400 Give him four.

00:44:23.660 Four.

00:44:24.060 And then he would just start screaming, so the next day I had short-term memory issues. 0.99

00:44:31.820 I wiped my ass again with a towel in his bathroom and I put it back on the rack. 0.99

00:44:35.780 No, I didn't do it a second time. 1.00

00:44:36.920 What?

00:44:37.340 I didn't do it a second time.

00:44:38.640 That would be so crazy.

00:44:40.300 But I wanted to tell you about my toys because we didn't have, I came up during so-called

00:44:45.500 practical effects.

00:44:46.540 Like we got Rock'em Sock'em Robots.

00:44:48.340 There was nothing visual on a TV screen.

00:44:50.960 Rock'em Sock'em Robots was amazing.

00:44:52.860 Getaway Chase game.

00:44:54.520 And we played a lot of board games.

00:44:56.020 Yeah.

00:44:56.440 You know, they're kind of cool.

00:44:58.340 Don't you find the tactile, three-dimensional board, Stratego or Risk?

00:45:04.340 Risk is fun.

00:45:05.140 You ever play Risk?

00:45:06.020 Candyland we play.

00:45:07.000 We played a lot of games.

00:45:08.120 Scrabble we played a lot.

00:45:09.800 I remember my favorite time actually as a kid was when the power would go out because

00:45:13.620 our family had to all get together, you know?

00:45:16.160 It was like we had to be kind of stuck in the same room because we needed like, you know,

00:45:20.260 mom had two candles or whatever and so we'd have to go downstairs and so, and you couldn't

00:45:24.380 really fight because if you, if you fought and ran off out of the distance of the candlelight,

00:45:28.160 it was real scary.

00:45:29.160 So yeah, power outages were hip.

00:45:30.680 Everybody had to like, you kind of needed each other, you know?

00:45:34.020 So it was like, there was, I used to kind of like hope that the power would go out because

00:45:38.340 it would give me a time where, I don't know, I just really liked those moments where we all,

00:45:45.280 it was like the only time I felt like our family, there was a semblance of that we needed

00:45:48.340 each other, you know?

00:45:49.600 Yeah.

00:45:50.240 It's interesting.

00:45:51.180 I do know that the visceral feeling of like, you kind of say you're not feeling well, can't

00:45:57.760 go to school.

00:45:58.940 And then you had the house to yourself all day because my mom taught preschool and you're

00:46:03.560 watching movies.

00:46:04.200 And anybody can teach preschool.

00:46:05.480 No offense to your mom.

00:46:06.180 I'm sure she was awesome.

00:46:07.040 No, she was.

00:46:07.560 Yeah.

00:46:07.780 My sister became a preschool teacher, but being in the house by yourself and then looking out

00:46:11.320 the window at like three o'clock and seeing the kids who went to school is a little melancholy.

00:46:15.920 I was almost like a panic attack.

00:46:17.220 Like I should have gone.

00:46:18.500 Oh yeah.

00:46:19.220 And it's, it's like when school was canceled, you find out that there's no school today because

00:46:23.740 of whatever reason, all those feelings, same thing with the powers out.

00:46:28.260 You know, and you know, the, all these things, again, they, they inform us.

00:46:32.680 That's what my five years of therapy was about, all those experiences and how they stay with

00:46:38.120 you, you know, and how it manifests in you now.

00:46:41.080 Yeah.

00:46:41.580 You know, it's interesting how it does.

00:46:43.820 It was your, so did your, did you and your dad have a good relationship?

00:46:47.640 Because it sounds like, I think a lot of men from his era probably just had a tougher,

00:46:51.400 I think that it was a different thing of being a man back then. 0.99

00:46:54.380 It was full John Wayne shit. 0.99

00:46:56.240 And he was so terrified of his son not being, you know, and he was an orphan and he went 0.99

00:47:02.000 through different, you know, and then he got in the Navy in 1943 or something or the army.

00:47:07.100 Now he's an orphan with a gun.

00:47:09.300 Now he's, well, he was a radio operator in India, but I'm sure he had a firearm at some

00:47:13.860 point, but it was a, it was a different time.

00:47:16.680 And, you know, sometimes I would pick up the phone at night.

00:47:19.100 And I'd hear his birth mother saying, do you forgive me, buddy?

00:47:22.840 Because he was, nickname was Bud, forgiving him up at birth, you know?

00:47:26.980 So he had his, he was wounded and had that deep seated insecurity.

00:47:31.780 I think he had a little colorblind and a little dyslexic stuff that would have not been diagnosed.

00:47:38.460 So he had an inferiority complex, but I, you know, in the end of the day, I don't harbor

00:47:43.140 any, I mean, I'm kind of like, you know, just moving on.

00:47:46.340 You know what I mean? But, but there were times, there was a few times where I felt like

00:47:50.740 he was being intentionally cruel to me and getting off on it, you know, because when

00:47:55.980 all my brothers left, I was the last one to focus on.

00:47:59.140 And I'm with my two high school buddies, cross country runners, really close friends.

00:48:03.660 All we did was run and I was going to work this weed killer and spray it around the yard.

00:48:09.400 So he came in the garage and go, um, how do I get the top of this off, dad?

00:48:13.200 And he goes, this is with a quote, my friends never forgot it. Oh, Jesus Christ, use your

00:48:17.600 penis, you shithead. 1.00

00:48:21.240 So we broke that, use your penis, you shithead. You know, it's like, okay, it's practical 1.00

00:48:25.760 advice. I am a shithead. I don't know how to do it. Can I use my penis? So I started, 1.00

00:48:30.640 no, but that, but then he kind of, it was real anger. And my friends left, it freaked

00:48:34.860 them out. And six weeks later, I got out of there. I thought, this is not good. Use your

00:48:38.420 penis, you shithead. It's a poetry to it. You know, we all laughed a lot now. I mean, 1.00

00:48:43.960 we, we laughed, even then we just have fits of laughter.

00:48:47.360 Dude, laughter was so, there used to be a value to the moment, you know? And I think

00:48:52.200 about this a lot that there used to be like, the moment was so valuable because you couldn't,

00:48:57.540 there wasn't a lot of recording of it. There wasn't, nobody had the opportunity to see it

00:49:01.300 again a million times over. It was like, this is the fricking moment. Are you going to be

00:49:06.940 here right now? And then you just go. And you know what I've observed is like,

00:49:11.220 young women are the happiest people on earth. Really? 1.00

00:49:14.640 Because I go to Griffith Park and I got my sweatshirt hood on. I'm going, I'll see groups

00:49:18.760 of high school or college girls laughing and chirping and just like, and I'm just like,

00:49:24.860 you know, it's like just giggling, just head back laughing. But we did so much of that. That's

00:49:30.340 what made me a comedian. The friends I had, there was such, they were just really funny,

00:49:34.640 had great sense of humor and we just, just started performing, just laughing, laughing,

00:49:39.240 laughing. And you know, sometimes you lose that, but it's so fun to laugh. Like on this

00:49:43.380 scripted podcast, we had a, uh, we don't have to bring it up, but no, let's bring it up. I want

00:49:48.620 to. Yes. But we, we had a credit role and Dex, my son, Dex Carvey and Julian Madelich did so many

00:49:54.660 things. It was during the pandemic. They, they wore every hat they're, they're directing, producing.

00:49:58.720 So the credit role at the end, I read it as a character, but they did so many things that it

00:50:03.740 just hit me like a ton of bricks. And it wasn't one of the hardest I've laughed in the last five

00:50:07.840 years. It was a character like this, co-directed by Julian Madelich and Dex Carvey, written by Dex

00:50:14.080 Carvey and Julian Madelich, edited by Dex Carvey. And it went on and on, but they literally had to wear

00:50:19.260 all those hats in the pandemic. We just did it at a table with a laptop, but that belly laughing

00:50:24.640 is so valuable and so charming. And you're right. Just, just going with it. We had a little

00:50:30.680 bit the other night, right before you, that last 10 minutes, I was really, cause it just getting

00:50:36.220 silly. You were in there, man. Oh, I'm cock. Yeah. What was it? Yeah. What was it? We were talking

00:50:42.660 about having like an Australian, it was like the thunder from down. Yeah. Thunder from down 1.00

00:50:47.480 under. But if you're two characters and you're the, the chief would be the guys. Yeah. You're

00:50:52.100 like, it's a 2 PM little review and you'd be in Speedos. And so you decided you spell

00:50:57.800 it differently than cock and balls, but basically, oh, I'm cock, he's balls. He's balls. Together 1.00

00:51:02.060 we're cock and balls. And then you start dancing. Yeah. Just to see Spade do that would be pretty 1.00

00:51:06.460 funny. And especially if one of them lost his cock and he is only balls, you know, and that's 0.99

00:51:11.280 why they had to do it. Wouldn't that be crazy? I'm, I'm not a cock. I'm only balls. He's 0.99

00:51:19.320 only cock. Together we're only balls and only cock. Sign on to www.onlycockonlyballs.com. 1.00

00:51:26.320 Yeah. That's anyway, I want to say cock and balls more on this podcast and there's any 0.98

00:51:31.400 other one I've ever been on. He's cock and only balls, but it's just idiots with super 1.00

00:51:36.560 cocky. That's the funny part. It's like, here we are. Here we are. Come watch us. Come 1.00

00:51:41.340 see our raw penises outside, inside. Do you think, um. I lost it in a lawnmower accident. 1.00

00:51:51.860 When I was a kid once, the guy next door was mowing the lawn and screaming and he cut off

00:51:58.620 some of his toes, right? But the ambulance got him, but the toe was out there later. Yeah.

00:52:03.600 So then my brother Brad came out and put it in formaldehyde. My mom saw it and said, we got

00:52:09.340 to get to the, you know, take him to the place. And they went into like a medical center.

00:52:14.480 We just moved to this town and she went into a psychiatrist's office and she goes, there's

00:52:18.640 a boy who's missing a toe in my car. You know, they said, it's okay, lady, just have a seat, 0.99

00:52:23.700 you know, but Brad's kept that big toe. And I remember looking at it, you know? Wow.

00:52:28.560 Yeah. This episode is brought to you by better help. I want to let you know that, um, there's

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00:53:47.520 H E L P.com slash T H E O. It's the most wonderful time of the year. It's also the most hectic time. 0.96

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00:55:20.360 trial. That's shipstation.com promo code T-H-E-O. So you said this would be the summer of you,

00:55:29.020 but then you remembered you have kids and now you spend every sunny day at water parks and petting

00:55:34.180 zoos. So be it. We do the prep so you can get your you time back with freshly prepared ready-for-you

00:55:40.580 dishes from Sobeys.

00:55:44.000 Yeah, I remember we found two fingers in the woods one time, like a peace sign.

00:55:47.460 Really?

00:55:48.020 Yeah. And we were actually collecting cans and we found two fingers in the wood,

00:55:51.780 in the woods. What else happened?

00:55:53.820 Did you grow up in, is it suburb or rural?

00:55:56.200 It was rural, but it wasn't redneck. So I never had like any redneck stuff. We just had 0.99

00:56:01.140 like a lot of poor people. Like we used to watch dogs give birth and people would bet on

00:56:05.880 how many whelping, how much dogs, how many babies were going to be in it. 0.99

00:56:11.420 Yeah.

00:56:12.080 We grew up like a hamster breeding area. We had a dude not far from us that used to breed

00:56:15.420 hamsters, you know, it was big in our area. We had, I used to clean out wishing wells.

00:56:21.400 Our town had like apparently the most wishing wells per capita or something.

00:56:24.460 Is that because of religiosity or just Irishness, I guess, or?

00:56:28.640 I think people just love, you know, people just love having water hidden under the land.

00:56:34.780 I'll tell you for me personally, when I had this, uh, this bypass at 42, I'm incredible

00:56:39.340 now. No, but, uh.

00:56:40.920 You had a crowd group, uh, yeah.

00:56:42.940 No, a double. Yeah. Well, the heart's perfect, but the artery was blocked and I had to do

00:56:47.900 a bypass and they did it. They didn't do the right artery, but they didn't harm me, but

00:56:52.300 I was fine. But my Indian cardiologist, PK Shaw did a, he went to mother Tricia's gravesite

00:56:58.280 and did a prayer for me. And then my Irish, super Irish Catholic mother-in-law born and

00:57:02.800 raised in Dublin. She did a wishing well in Dublin. And then now I'm just perfect.

00:57:06.780 Wow.

00:57:07.080 I don't have a true, but you know, I like, I, I leave a space in my head for spookiness.

00:57:11.260 Oh, me too. I think it's one thing that used to really, uh, that it's one thing used to

00:57:14.980 help my imagination so much when I was young is that anything could be possible. You know,

00:57:20.220 you heard a lot more lore and stuff back then. You know, that's one thing I really miss. Like

00:57:24.460 now it's like, everything is, um, like I asked my little niece, I said, you should use your

00:57:30.160 imagination. And she goes, um, what is it? Imagination. She thought it was an app on your

00:57:34.600 phone. And I'm like, Oh my God. Like, well, not to dovetail again to this goofy, uh, uh, this

00:57:40.660 brilliant scripted podcast, but that is bringing that back for mom and dad's driving around

00:57:45.480 with their kid. They're going to just going to hear a story. So let's go into it. So

00:57:49.360 you guys started it during the pandemic, right? Yeah. Dex and Julian came to me with the idea

00:57:55.200 of my son, Tom. They all grew up with twilight zone. Cause I had the mix. I had the DVD at

00:58:00.040 my house in the nineties. So they were obsessed by it. So we want, they want to make a show

00:58:04.020 like it. And we just came to them. We needed to have rod and we knew it would be a big budget

00:58:08.380 thing. So we decided to do a scripted podcast and based on the twilight zone, but a comedy

00:58:13.020 version. And they went downtown. We went crazy. So a scripted podcast. Yeah. Comedy

00:58:17.840 podcast. Right. So it's basically where you, yeah, where you, it's where like you guys write

00:58:22.920 it out in advance, right? Well, we wait, here's what happened. We tried to do it. We wrote

00:58:28.820 it, recorded it. And it sounded like some people were on a pirate ship. We're like, wow, this

00:58:33.960 is awesome. Then we play it for people and they're just checking their phone. That's pretty

00:58:37.380 good, dude. Whatever we got. Holy fuck. This is not like old time radio. You're competing

00:58:42.520 for someone's mind where they got their phone in their hand. So then we kept redoing it,

00:58:48.360 restacking it, record it, write it, add effects, better. Rerecord it, more music, more effects.

00:58:54.540 We had access to all this lush music in the Warner Brothers library. Cause we did it with

00:58:58.760 Team Coco and they had a deal with Warner Brothers. Big orchestral score. So you want to make it

00:59:03.580 filmic and ear candy and intensity. And then we go, but people get lost. They're, they're

00:59:09.760 listening to it in traffic. Someone cuts them off. Fuck you. And then they lose the thread

00:59:12.800 of the story. So we go clarity is king. So we had to put more exposition in a funny way.

00:59:16.940 So the narrator rots. So we loaded clarity. We loaded ear candy effects. We made it potent,

00:59:22.140 potent, potent to the point where then we loved it, but it took like a year in a room. And these guys,

00:59:26.920 Dex and Julian just became this two man band because it's pandemic time. So they literally,

00:59:32.600 they, they looked at it with a thousand songs. I don't know.

00:59:35.960 We got Dex. Dex is here. He's sitting in the...

00:59:37.840 A thousand songs? Or how many songs?

00:59:39.660 Come on the mic.

00:59:40.700 Yeah.

00:59:41.180 Let's ask him. And this is your son. This is your human son.

00:59:43.660 This is my human son.

00:59:45.300 Yes.

00:59:46.060 Dex Carvey and Julian Madelich. This is the two man team that went crazy in a good way,

00:59:52.000 producing, writing and directing.

00:59:53.980 It was such a blast. It was such a good learning experience because you could listen back to

00:59:58.700 something. If it didn't work, you can just do it right over immediately.

01:00:02.620 Did it feel weird like using like, cause your father obviously is a talented instrument that

01:00:07.140 a lot of the world has used to have humor and to feel joy and, and to feel different things.

01:00:12.660 Yes.

01:00:12.980 Did it ever feel weird as his son? Like, is there like a strangeness there? Like request, you know,

01:00:19.820 trying to like, does that ever feel uncomfortable? I didn't have a real relationship with my father,

01:00:23.600 so I don't, you know, it's tough for me to gauge any of that, but I'm just curious about it.

01:00:26.820 Oh, I think it could be super uncomfortable just because generally shows where it's a famous 0.97

01:00:30.720 dad and his kids, uh, really suck. They generally suck. That's just common knowledge. 1.00

01:00:36.680 Here come the kids, right? Yeah. Yeah. Here comes Ronnie Tarantino. Let's see what he's got

01:00:42.480 going on. Maybe you could stand up with that. I don't know. There you go. Yeah. And if we can't

01:00:46.740 see you too, that's okay. As long as we can hear you. That's Julian there. And that's Julian

01:00:49.920 with you. That's your partner there? Yeah. This is my childhood friend, uh, lived right

01:00:53.740 next door to us. He would come over and watch the Twilight Zone, Julian, and they're the

01:00:57.120 ones who really went downtown on this and went a little crazy. We just went crazy with

01:01:01.940 it, to be honest, Theo, because we could, and we just, it wasn't like a movie. You make

01:01:06.040 it, you know, it sucks. You have to walk away. We just kept redoing it. And then we learned 1.00

01:01:10.400 the space now. We think we reinvented it and whoops, number four on, you know, it's

01:01:16.300 doing very well. You guys are number four on Apple Podcasts. Today, anyway, for a scripted

01:01:20.580 comedy podcast, which is a very tough space. So we, we are, we're very proud of it and

01:01:25.320 we love it. And it, it deals in emotionality too, in a subtle way. It has story arcs. It

01:01:30.740 has a film makes sense to it. And mostly the word packages and the rhythms of the characters,

01:01:35.800 because that's what I harbor in. Those were so much fun to do. And Dexter, your father

01:01:40.380 played all the characters. Did you play some of the characters? Did Julian play some of

01:01:43.620 them? Who played what? We got, we got a few little ones. Um, my dad did most of the, the

01:01:49.400 voices just cause again, it was like, I don't want to have a, you know, it's, it's Dana's

01:01:53.280 kid tries voices for the first time. It's just like, we really liked the show. So I just

01:01:58.360 wanted to focus on the show and not about the people involved as much. But, uh, did you

01:02:03.900 enjoy, so a lot of producing and writing from your side? Yeah, I think all, I mean, that

01:02:08.060 was cool. I mean, it was, I'm not really that familiar with the whole writing stuff, but

01:02:13.640 like, this is like the first project, but like, we just sat on the mic. Yeah. Just stay

01:02:18.480 on the mic. You're good. Just stay on the mic. We don't. Yeah. But basically we're riffing

01:02:22.540 and we're at, we're at a impasse with the story. Okay. Okay. And Dex or Julian would say

01:02:28.800 something like, okay, the alien has to stay on earth. What if he gets addicted to earth food

01:02:33.280 and he gains so much weight, he can't get home on a spaceship. So I'm like, oh shit, 0.99

01:02:37.320 that's it. That's it. So they're writing in that kind of way. And then we're all rewriting 0.99

01:02:42.020 for clarity and we all learn together. I know a lot more about making a film or telling stories

01:02:47.860 now by doing this, but they, then they would, they would do a rough edit. They would add effects.

01:02:53.540 They would do music. We'd work on it again together. And then everyone was wearing every

01:02:57.760 hat. Cause I would look up from the mic after doing a take at Dex and Julian and I would go

01:03:02.740 by them and they might go, I think that last take or this take and we're picking takes.

01:03:07.680 And, uh, I just give them a lot of props. Cause that's the, I, I love crazy and I'm crazy.

01:03:13.340 I mean, I don't, I, I, if I'm working on something like I'll draw a little bit or play a song,

01:03:18.400 I'm as excited about that as being on Saturday night live. It's a weird discovery. It's almost

01:03:23.300 scary. That's all I care about. So this was all from the heart. Um, and not for money or fame.

01:03:30.140 It's just completely a message in a bottle that you hope people can get a little piece

01:03:34.800 in their, in their brains for a while. And the weird place it's called. It's called

01:03:38.440 the weird place anywhere where you can get a podcast. Yeah. We'll put the link below so

01:03:42.140 people can, uh, get ahold of it and check it out. Now is each episode different Dex or

01:03:46.300 what's that like? Is it each episode? It's anthology. Yeah. So anthology means what?

01:03:51.080 Just it's basic three basic stories. Uh, the first one is about a nuclear submarine,

01:03:57.380 1966 that goes through a time portal and surfaces in 1738 and sees a pirate ship. They don't even

01:04:03.420 know they've gone back in time. Wow. And there's a whole story around that. The second one was this

01:04:08.660 alien who has to come to earth and befriend an earthling to get, get them to help him make bomb 0.96

01:04:13.500 making materials. So he tells this sweet old lady that that's what he eats on his planet. Ammonium

01:04:18.720 nitrate, nitroglycerin. Could I have some ammonium nitrate, Sal? What do y'all want that for? To

01:04:25.140 eat because it's food. So that one's a little funnier, but he's the one who gets so heavy,

01:04:30.680 he can't escape in the spaceship. They become friends. And then the final one is about a guy

01:04:34.700 who's gets bullied by these guys. And he goes to this, this knickknack store and this strange

01:04:39.980 colorful character gives him a globe and it's a magic globe. And if you touch the globe, you affect

01:04:45.020 the real world. So he touches the Eiffel Tower. He touches Paris. Man, one day I will go to Paris.

01:04:51.020 And then there's mayhem in Paris. So that one is really very Twilight Zone and really special.

01:04:56.440 There's a lot of songs and there's a companion piece called Talking Weird. It's sort of an after

01:05:02.060 show that Rod interviews some of the voice actors and there's some singing in that.

01:05:06.700 And Rod is your character, so people know.

01:05:08.180 Rod is, we needed a Rod Serling character. And so we needed that gravitas and that voice

01:05:14.580 to give us that vibe. And the music's all from the 60s. There's no sex or violence, no real

01:05:19.840 violence. And it's very 60s. It has an earnestness to it, you know, a sincerity to it. It's not

01:05:27.200 cynical. It's not dark.

01:05:28.900 And Rod Serling, so people know who that is.

01:05:30.580 That is a show in the 1960s called The Twilight Zone.

01:05:35.340 Oh, okay.

01:05:35.720 And there's been reboots. Black Mirror was sort of a brilliant dark version of it.

01:05:39.600 And then Jordan Peele did The Twilight Zone. And so we just did our own thing and we kept

01:05:45.160 it earnest and we kept it rodicized for our purposes. So, you know, we did a lot of characters.

01:05:51.640 Yeah, there he is. That's him.

01:05:53.060 Yeah, that's him. Justin Theroux Jr. Look at him.

01:05:55.620 Yeah. And is he related to the Archbishop or whatever, the Canadian?

01:06:02.560 You know, that's who he looks like?

01:06:04.160 Justin Theroux.

01:06:05.280 Well, I just keep thinking Justin Theroux, for Hollywood out there, should play Rod Serling

01:06:11.020 in a biopic. Because I think he does look kind of like him. If you could throw up Justin

01:06:16.000 Theroux if you want.

01:06:17.240 Yeah, let's get a quick picture of Justin Theroux real quick. And then I got just one more question

01:06:20.680 for Dex, too. And he loves older women. I think he's into...

01:06:28.200 Well, he was with Jennifer Aniston for a while, right?

01:06:30.600 Oh, no. I'm thinking of the Prime Minister of Canada.

01:06:33.200 Yeah, right. Justin...

01:06:34.680 Trudeau.

01:06:35.320 Trudeau. Yeah, yeah.

01:06:36.620 Justin Trudeau.

01:06:37.620 So you thought he looks like Rod Serling.

01:06:39.500 Yeah.

01:06:39.800 Oh, okay. That's funny. Maybe they both do. Oh, that's funny. There you go.

01:06:44.460 He kind of does.

01:06:45.120 Yeah, you could carry it off. But you could see that Justin Theroux, who's a brilliant

01:06:50.580 writer.

01:06:51.120 Justin Trudeau.

01:06:52.340 Yeah.

01:06:52.800 And Justin Trudeau is the Prime Minister of Canada.

01:06:56.420 He looks like he eats adult applesauce.

01:07:00.400 He does. He looks like an applesauce face.

01:07:02.960 Yeah.

01:07:03.500 If his face was a fruit product, it wouldn't just be an apple. It'd be applesauce. And it'd

01:07:08.020 be very the runny kind, not the good kind.

01:07:10.580 That's bad. 0.99

01:07:11.020 The shitty kind, like high C. Oh, look at him. 0.98

01:07:14.360 You have to get Kool-Aid when you can't afford high C. Oh, there he is. Jesus. 0.98

01:07:19.240 God.

01:07:19.640 Christ sakes, got his hands around the bun there, all right? That's a good look for the

01:07:24.400 leader of a large nation, huh? Can't do the double knuckle grip on some chick's ass. 1.00

01:07:30.560 That's what we need in our prime ministers, okay? I can really... My IQ goes up when I 1.00

01:07:36.060 become Dennis.

01:07:36.900 Yeah?

01:07:37.440 You know, I just know that he won't ever say anything directly. He has his own

01:07:40.680 poetry. Okay, Theo Vaughn there, rocking the mullet. That's a good look, Circa 2022.

01:07:47.020 Yeah, spend some money on the studio here. What is this? Six by eight? Looks like a prison

01:07:51.700 cell or something, okay? Dressing up with the psychedelic pictures. Okay, good. You put

01:07:58.040 down the hash pipe, Vaughn, okay? Do a podcast. So, you know, he's just a brilliant comic brain.

01:08:05.460 He's awesome. I went on his show one time.

01:08:07.520 Did you? Yeah, he's an amazing improviser. Yeah, was it fun? Oh, I have one more question for Dex.

01:08:13.860 Let me get it so I don't forget. Yeah, is this something that you guys think you would do more

01:08:18.600 of our... Did this feel like too kind of harrowing?

01:08:22.900 Oh, I would love to do it again. It was pretty intense just because it was just three of us. And

01:08:30.040 we also really... It took like half the time just to figure it out. We just didn't really know how to...

01:08:35.080 Yeah, it's a lot, I'm sure. It sounds like a lot of learning.

01:08:37.080 I think we... And Julian can talk for a sec too. I think that we did figure it out. We have a work

01:08:42.660 process now. It might be a little bit like the first time you do a podcast and now you kind of

01:08:46.960 know. You know, I'm learning with spades still. But we could go faster. We would need a little more

01:08:52.260 help. You know, maybe a secondary mixer. We hired one. Yeah.

01:08:55.700 We had Michael Gordon from Conan. Great writer. He's doing some assisting for us. But we were

01:09:03.300 basically a three-man band. But we could move faster. It's like, this is proof of concept.

01:09:08.320 Right.

01:09:08.980 And we may release an episode soon. We had an episode that we held that Tom thought of. It

01:09:14.940 was about Valdemar Putin goes through a wormhole and ends up in a guy's bedroom in rural Mississippi.

01:09:22.680 Oh, yeah.

01:09:23.400 Yeah. Mississippi Joe.

01:09:24.860 Yeah.

01:09:26.700 Excuse me. Who are you, sir? Who am I, sir? You must be KGB agent. KGB agent? I surely

01:09:35.360 don't know what you're talking about, sir. So that's maybe a bonus episode coming out based

01:09:42.280 on popular demand.

01:09:44.100 Okay.

01:09:44.500 Yep.

01:09:45.140 That's cool, man. Yeah, I think I would love to see Russia versus Mississippi. So I would love 0.92

01:09:50.440 to watch that. I'd watch that on pay-per-view even, damn it. 0.99

01:09:52.740 Well, I'll tell you, you know, the idea, not the romance, or maybe the romance, not the 0.98

01:09:58.480 reality, but the idea, when I'd gone to Mississippi and the South with a gentleman, a friend of

01:10:05.060 mine, and there is a charm factor of politeness, a way of speaking that to us Northerners is

01:10:12.860 just very, very charming. Yeah. And people say darling. People will damn, I mean, they'll

01:10:18.600 breastfeed a damn adult if they need it. You know, it's just that kind of place. It's not. 1.00

01:10:24.060 You darling, you all need some breast milk. I know you're 47. Come on over here. Here's 0.99

01:10:30.360 my titty. Now put your mouth around my squeeze real hard. There you go. There's your breast 1.00

01:10:35.780 milk. I just want to make you feel better. I know I've just committed three felonies, but

01:10:40.120 that breast milk's coming nice and clean. You too. I'll give you the other side. Yeah.

01:10:45.120 It's a very polite. Welcome to Logan's Roadhouse. And it's always at a restaurant too, you know?

01:10:49.620 Yeah. It's just the idea of the South and the movies and, you know, and the, um, what y'all

01:10:55.780 fixing to do? Or, or, you know, it's like Al Gore. People should think I did him gay, but 1.00

01:11:01.140 I wasn't. I was doing a Tennessee gentleman. He's just, I take umbrage with your attitude,

01:11:06.620 kind madam. And he's sort of, you know, put together as a Tennessee gentleman, not a rural

01:11:12.520 rat scat like you from deep rural Louisiana. I'm from Nashville, Tennessee. Oh, you up 0.97

01:11:18.820 here. And I wear a fine, I wear a fine vest, sir. And I'll say to you, sir, that the South

01:11:23.580 will rise again. I'll tell you, you know? So I do love, I love Southern Access. I love

01:11:28.900 Bill Clinton. I love being this guy. That's the most seductive. No wonder he got in trouble

01:11:34.000 because this is, this hypnotizes women. This gets them all bunched up downstairs. If 1.00

01:11:38.600 you know what I mean? When I say baby, I say you, you have the prettiest eyes I've

01:11:42.420 ever seen and they will drop drawers in a second. I'll fold my nuts in my dang vagina 1.00

01:11:47.260 right now, brother. I'll meet you halfway, but my favorite old fashioned dick joke is 1.00

01:11:52.980 this woman says to me, she wants 12 inches. I said, Hey baby, I don't fold it in half 1.00

01:11:58.160 for anybody. I mean, that's the best dick joke. You've never heard that. That's the best 0.97

01:12:03.640 dick joke ever. Who has this guy? Larry Reeb has this joke. He said, he goes, uh, my wife 0.98

01:12:11.500 told me never answer the phone during sex. I said, what if it's you calling? It's just

01:12:17.420 an old joke, but I love it. Oh, I loved old, old fashioned. My favorite joke ever. It's

01:12:21.940 like, what's the last thing you want to hear when you're getting a blow job? When, when 0.97

01:12:25.480 you're giving a blow job to Willie Nelson, I'm not Willie Nelson. How do you get a dog to 0.98

01:12:31.700 stop pumping your leg? Pick them up and blow them. I love these old jokes. What's the worst

01:12:39.700 thing you can hear when you get a prostate exam? Look, ma, no hands. These are just classics.

01:12:45.680 I used to do this old bit about, can you have a prostate exam joke in your act? Let me think

01:12:50.080 about it. I don't do this one anymore, but if you need it, you can have it. All right.

01:12:53.620 I might take it. This is like, I hate, you know, you have to bend over and they're going

01:12:57.260 to probe you and it's like, I like to take the power back. So they start to do the exam

01:13:01.500 and I always go, is that all you got? Is that it? Come on. So it's a commitment joke. You

01:13:09.320 know, you got to just go full tilt. Come on. Get in there. Get in there. You do a lot with

01:13:17.880 genitals, you know, being crooked or only the balls or they're folded or creased. It's a 0.99

01:13:23.460 funny rhythm you have. I've got fold my nuts in half and put them in a. Oh, yeah. Well,

01:13:28.660 I think you got to. That's your fucking first origami, dude, is your damn nuts, you know, 1.00

01:13:34.160 because they're so malleable and so like, it's really such a. If somebody gave you a pair 1.00

01:13:39.340 of nuts, it would blow your mind, you know, like in just loose off of a body. Yeah. I

01:13:45.180 mean, how it's built and everything. It's really insane. Yeah. And there's two nuts in

01:13:51.400 there. You know, that's the craziest thing about you. Sometimes I forget that I have 0.85

01:13:55.420 two nuts inside of my nuts all the time. I just forget about it. I mean, two testicles

01:14:00.420 inside of your scrotum using the testicle. The penile will enlarge. Yes. Do you remember 1.00

01:14:08.280 sex ed? You were going to sex ed the first time? Oh, God. How embarrassing. You know,

01:14:12.780 dude, we all wore. I remember all the guys would like one guy wore like a fucking suit or 0.99

01:14:17.100 like a little tuxedo. We're like, dude, what is going? This guy is spaced, bro. Well, 0.98

01:14:22.280 people would wear cologne. People be fucking drinking cologne. Guys putting cologne on in 1.00

01:14:27.200 their car before. Like it was the first. Cologne to go to sex education. Like they're seducing 0.60

01:14:32.020 sex education or is the teacher hot? No, it was a man, dude. But just sex education. They 0.66

01:14:37.440 wanted to smell good for sex education. We just thought it was time for sex. So we were just 0.97

01:14:41.780 everybody's peed up. We would wear hooter clamps just to keep our junk in place. Really? 0.96

01:14:47.140 Hooter clamps. They're just sort of like this thing you wear, like a leather diaper that keeps

01:14:51.760 your junk in one place. No, I made that up. But that's a joke we used to have. Hooter

01:14:55.200 clamps. Are you wearing a hooter clamp tonight? Yeah, I got my hooter clamp on. Good. I mean,

01:15:00.740 we'd laugh for hours about hooter clamps. It would just keep your kind of wiener down?

01:15:04.500 Which was an invented idea. Maybe Brad thought of that. I don't know. It's just when that

01:15:07.960 time when you're 20, 22, and you just go off on those. Like we said, just laughing.

01:15:14.560 Now, did you ever feel left out if your brother started to get erections and stuff and you didn't

01:15:18.520 have any yet or anything like that? Mostly erections were private. Did you ever do a 0.63

01:15:23.760 circle jerk with your brother and sisters? I mean, no, we never did anything like that. 0.96

01:15:27.400 I have to ask. One time we got under this blanket and things were like a little strange,

01:15:31.920 but it wasn't anything too crazy. And my buddy was there too. It was just almost like a Native 1.00

01:15:36.040 American type of deal. You know, it wasn't... Native American, like you were under the blankets 1.00

01:15:40.360 like a tent. Yeah, yeah. And then things started, a tent started to form in your pants and you didn't

01:15:45.260 know what it meant and you ran away. We were all just kind of chatting naked under this blanket and

01:15:49.000 then everybody started getting an erection. I think nobody wanted to like admit it, you know? 0.83

01:15:52.800 So everybody was just kind of pretending like they weren't getting an erection. We were more

01:15:55.980 innocent. We would make my sister play waitress like on a rainy day. We'd go, she wanted to play 1.00

01:16:00.940 with us. Now you can't. We'd go, but you could play waitress. Okay, so she'd make us root beer floats

01:16:04.940 and stuff and she'd bring them in like a waitress. We'd go, yeah, okay, clean it up. You know,

01:16:08.680 next day, can we get a cheeseburger with cheese? She became a really good fry cook for a while. 0.99

01:16:14.320 But she wanted to be our friend so bad, we just put her to work. I mean, this was the rough

01:16:19.000 and tumble Carvey's. This is like the sons of Katie Elder. I mean, we were just badass weirdos

01:16:25.760 building forts, tents, fighting. Was it weird? So whenever you started to have like a lot of

01:16:30.380 popularity in your life from work and stuff, was it tough with your relationship with your

01:16:35.460 brothers? Like, did you ever get scared? Like, oh, this is going to take away? Because I've

01:16:39.260 felt that in my own life. Not felt it, but I've just, I guess I've worried about it sometimes.

01:16:43.140 Well, that's a real thing.

01:16:44.260 That's going to take away, or it's going to make my brother think I don't care about him

01:16:47.580 as much or something. I don't know.

01:16:48.780 Well, I just, nothing changed on my side, but my brother Scott had a sense of humor about

01:16:52.580 it. He would introduce himself after I got something out of fame as Dana Carvey's brother.

01:16:56.460 Hi, what are you? My name's Dana Carvey's brother. My other name is Scott Carvey, but

01:17:02.180 my primary name is Dana Carvey's brother. So we just laughed about it and just kept in

01:17:06.800 touch. I would do these things called lost weekends to stay in touch with my friends,

01:17:11.420 my high school friends, my brother, when I was, you know, peak SNL. So we'd all go to

01:17:16.040 Vegas. Everyone gets their own room. We'd go see shows. We went out to Lake Mead when it

01:17:19.860 was there. Everyone would get a wave runner. We'd have beer and sandwiches in the front and

01:17:24.180 we'd go out there with crystal clear and we'd go to islands and dive off rocks and just have

01:17:29.160 a blast. So I just went the other way. I made a lot of new friends, you know, in show business,

01:17:34.360 but I have a lot of core, core friends. And, you know, fame is a motherfucker, you know? 0.99

01:17:40.620 I mean, there's no way around it. It's just very strange. And you're, you're still on the 0.99

01:17:45.820 upslope. So, um, your brother, did you look up to him? He was older.

01:17:50.140 Yeah. Not as kids. I didn't, but as adults, I really have, you know, he's really, really special

01:17:54.540 guy. And so, yeah, I don't worry. I just, I don't know. It was just, sometimes I just don't

01:18:00.180 want him to think that I, I don't know. I think we do a pretty decent job.

01:18:04.120 It's, it's just weird. And then the money comes. I remember just, I had the thing like, I'd go to

01:18:08.360 a mall and I think everywhere I look, I could buy it anywhere. I look, I could buy it, you know?

01:18:13.360 And I, I one time went in and I got like a Mercedes cause like an Elvis move.

01:18:17.640 At a mall? No, not at a mall, a dealership. But I got, I got, I left the mall and I pointed

01:18:22.980 at this one and it was like a Mercedes coupe. But I realized later on it had a plastic windshield.

01:18:28.180 It was like 125,000. It'd be like 250 now. So I turned it back in and I got a big giant

01:18:33.800 Mercedes, giant SLE 550, huge thing. And I was going into 7-Eleven just in the valley and

01:18:41.240 people were looking at me. So then I just went to a Honda Pilot. Ever since then, I like to

01:18:46.200 get rid of stuff. I don't want, I have one car, one wife, you know? You know, it's like,

01:18:50.800 I don't need a lot of things. I like guitars. I like things I can interact with, you know?

01:18:55.780 A woman, a guitar, a piano, a swimming pool, you know, things that are-

01:19:00.960 Stuff that work?

01:19:01.760 Tactile. Well, I can't get that excited about a chair and just look at the chair.

01:19:05.180 That's all right. My wife does, you know, it's just an interior designer mind and aesthetic mind. 0.96

01:19:09.620 I'm more in the internal world, but it's not self-congratulatory. But going back full circle

01:19:14.680 to your brother, yeah, it's, you could feel maybe a little guilt about it because you're

01:19:20.240 changing the dynamic of how he's perceived, you know, which is normal. It's nothing-

01:19:25.940 Yeah, I think it's, I don't want him to ever, I don't know, I just didn't want my brother

01:19:29.040 to think that he felt, that I ever felt like I was more important than him or something

01:19:33.460 like that. I don't know. And maybe that's all egotistical to even think that way, you know?

01:19:37.380 It's, you're just a passenger in this. So you just did this. I don't even know what

01:19:42.280 your resume was before you did this. And then you got really successful, extraordinarily

01:19:46.660 successful. And that's just the train you're riding. You couldn't will it, but you were

01:19:52.200 active. You did the necessary steps. But this lane that you're in now, where it's Theo Von

01:19:57.860 World and you run a, you're a CEO of a business and you don't bow down to anyone. No one tells

01:20:02.860 you're fired. This is awesome. I'm glad I live long enough to see this. That's us doing

01:20:08.420 this, this scripted podcast with just a laptop and the effects and all the things we could

01:20:13.940 get for ourselves. It's such an equal playing field for art and creativity. And you're like

01:20:19.480 one of the big, you know, people out there that have done this, you and Tim Dillon and others,

01:20:25.100 but it's a magic world and you can't help that you're successful. I'll be therapist

01:20:29.660 for a second. That's not nothing. You just ride in the train that, you know, and what

01:20:35.720 happens over time, I'll tell you this much. Everyone's all excited. You're famous. And

01:20:40.360 then it gets boring. Yeah. It might be 10 more years, but at some point it's full circle back

01:20:45.180 to Theo. Just like, and you're still going and doing stuff, but like been there, done that

01:20:49.520 they're used to all the stuff. But in early heady days of it, you're picking up checks,

01:20:54.080 you're renting cars, you know, and, uh, it's just a little bit of a whoop-dee-doo. I mean,

01:20:58.520 I, I sort of got famous in a sense at 31 or 32. And, um, so I had a long runway before that,

01:21:06.840 you know, if you make it as a child actor, that's, that's fucked up. Yeah. It's scary. 0.99

01:21:10.940 I mean, it just killed that one kid, you know, you saw that Aaron Carter. He just,

01:21:14.320 you know, he drowned out. He drowned out. I think he, they said he was Huff and Duster,

01:21:20.600 which I've done. I'm not going to lie about that. What is that specifically? Huff and Duster?

01:21:25.340 Yeah. ASDFL Sim or whatever, you know, or whatever it is. Oh, okay. And you hit, you know,

01:21:30.680 hit the Duster, but I've hit it before. I love it, but I think it's sad to see what happened. You know,

01:21:36.960 he was a child star and then next, you know, he's got six or seven service animals. I mean,

01:21:41.240 he had a damn, you know, he was in the damn, I did a rod. It looked like the guy had so many 1.00

01:21:45.700 service animals and then he was getting tattoos and neck tattoos and just once it creeps up on the

01:21:51.220 face, you just feel like it's a cry for help. You know, it's like, what can I put on my face?

01:21:57.460 It'll make me okay. And the interesting part about therapy is just checking your thoughts. And that's

01:22:03.300 a daily thing, you know, cognitive behavioral therapy. Cause if you get redundantly into those

01:22:08.000 negative thoughts and you water those roots and then they get in your head, I'm a loser, 1.00

01:22:12.780 I'm a loser, I'm a loser. That's, you have to really fight all that stuff. You know, 0.99

01:22:17.460 it's really interesting game inside your head. It all happens in here. All your joy, your sadness,

01:22:22.460 your pain, just, it's all here, you know, and how you decide it is. That's how it is. You ever meet

01:22:29.120 a really, I have a friend, Chuck, who's just a really happy person. Oh yeah. He talks like this.

01:22:33.440 Get him. He's a guy who talks like this, you know, he's like the other day, you know,

01:22:37.680 I was running on my hop on my bike, you know, and the wind was coming. I don't know what

01:22:41.380 the fuck was going on. You know, he's a mechanic for United. He's a really bright guy, but he 0.99

01:22:45.800 should got this dems and does thing of like, you know, you ever go to New York and these

01:22:50.560 Brooklyn guys, I had a friend who passed away. He's just like, you know, he's really like,

01:22:53.860 you know, the guy, you know, God rest his soul. My mother did this for me and this and that,

01:22:58.100 you know, you got to take care of your family. It's a way of just simplifying this ride, this

01:23:03.820 70, 80, 90 year ride that we're all taking on. Just keep it real basic. Right here, I'm

01:23:09.000 with you right now. We're bonding over humor and telling stories, you know, and I think

01:23:14.180 that, you know, that Theo's, you know, he's a good guy, you know, and you had a nice chat.

01:23:18.960 He would come to SNL and he was a basketball freak. He would critique my SNL with basketball

01:23:25.240 stats. He'd come up because I'd do church late, whatever he goes. 28 points, 12 boards,

01:23:31.420 six assists. Capisce? You know, his catchphrase was this, which is another good one he did

01:23:37.100 with my brother, Scott. You do what you do. I do what I do. Rubber chicken. Capisce? I

01:23:44.740 don't know why it's rubber chicken, but it just works. You do what you do. I do what I

01:23:49.760 do. Rubber chicken. Capisce? And then this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Capisce? Well, he made

01:23:56.000 everything simple. Same with Chuck. Live in the moment. And it's a struggle if you're,

01:24:01.140 you know, a curious, active brain, but it's, you know, it's fun. Yeah. Staying in that.

01:24:06.980 Yeah. I think it's true that it does all happen between the walls of your own head. You know,

01:24:11.400 it's crazy. That's really where you get. That's really where you got to tend the soil a lot

01:24:15.300 and not even over 10. Sometimes you get so stuck on taking care of yourself that then that's all

01:24:19.040 you're doing. You know, it's like. I mean, mentally or physically or all of it. Mentally, all of it.

01:24:23.060 Yeah. All of it. It's like, I got to make sure I'm okay. You know, something that's a hamster wheel

01:24:27.040 people can really get on nowadays. Yeah. I think nothing has to happen is something that's helped

01:24:32.320 me recently. You get all pent up. Nothing has to happen. Yeah. You know, this could have got

01:24:37.380 canceled. Nothing has to happen. Just, just everyone calm down. We're just here. Yeah. Nothing has to happen.

01:24:42.340 We're not going to the movie. No, no, not tonight. Yeah. Nothing has to happen. It's just a way of

01:24:47.600 everybody calm down and just laugh your ass off and make art. No nuggets. No nuggets. No nuggets

01:24:53.360 tonight. Damn. God damn it. Nothing has to happen, dude. Nothing has to happen. It's okay. No one's 1.00

01:25:00.660 thinking about me right now. If anyone out there is thinking it's still okay. I mean, everyone's

01:25:06.420 inside their own kiosk, you know? Yeah. I think, um, it was interesting. So you, so when

01:25:12.680 you got, you had a lot of fame that happened and then you kind of took a break or did you,

01:25:17.360 is this okay? This is a, from this outsider's perspective. Oh no, no, totally. I had this

01:25:21.300 weird. You took a break to take, was it to be a dad? No, it's very much more complicated

01:25:26.040 than that. So basically I did all this stuff before SNL cause I was insecure, but I was

01:25:31.640 in the club starting to kick ass. But I did a sitcom with Mickey Rooney, Nathan Lane in

01:25:35.740 New York. Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney. Did you read his book? No, I know Mickey though. Oh.

01:25:41.060 Well he passed away, didn't he? He did, but he made it to like 95. Yeah. Dude, did you hear

01:25:44.900 about the story where somebody, he slept at somebody's house for like a couple of weeks,

01:25:48.580 right? Yeah. Oh no. He let somebody stay in his house for a couple of weeks. He was married

01:25:52.100 to some like bombshell, right? Yeah. He, he, all six of the hottest stars in the world.

01:25:57.380 And I said, Mickey, how'd you get them? He goes, money makes you handsomer. Money makes

01:26:02.520 you handsomer is his own word, but go ahead. What was his story? A guy stayed at his place

01:26:07.120 for a couple of weeks and he left him a couple of paintings as a gift and they were, uh, and

01:26:12.820 then like a few months later he was getting a divorce or something. And so he's a friend

01:26:16.040 helped him move and he said, Oh, you can have those. Somebody left him here. And they were

01:26:19.020 Salvador dollies. They were two Salvador dolly paintings. Whoa. And he talked about struggling

01:26:22.900 with his, with money most of his life. Oh yeah. And, uh, and then here he was giving

01:26:27.160 away a couple of dollies like that. It's kind of crazy. Yeah. There he is right there.

01:26:30.880 There he is when I, Oh, there I am. It's the tallest I've ever been. Mickey's like,

01:26:34.380 he called himself. I'm a fire plug built like a fire and Nathan Lane and that he was

01:26:40.800 my grandfather and I was just cast from NBC. I got a deal frequently. I had a teen idol

01:26:46.680 thing going on and go, you're going to play Mickey Rooney's grandson in New York. And then

01:26:51.800 I met Nathan and Mickey thought I was gay the whole time. He would put his arm around Nathan

01:26:57.640 and look at me and go, I'm just glad we like girls. And he finally got money cause he was

01:27:04.040 broke for 50 years. And he had, he was Rooney was broke. I called up Warner brothers in 1955.

01:27:11.360 I said, this is Mickey Rooney. He was always doing this. I need a job. And he'd stare off

01:27:16.600 and he'd go, he hung up on me. And then you'd come into the, the, the, the studio and you'd

01:27:21.880 hear him down the hall. How long has Rod for Robert Redford been in the business? He's one

01:27:27.360 of those guys would talk till he ran out of air. How long has Robert Redford been in the

01:27:30.780 business? 10 years. I've been in the business 62 years. How old are you? 62 in two months.

01:27:37.100 I mean, he's one of those guys who's a baby. He had so many, he would say this a thousand

01:27:41.520 times. Literally, literally, he would say this every day. I was the, which he was, he was the

01:27:46.820 number star, number one star in the world, 1937. I was the number one star in the world.

01:27:52.180 You hear me? Bang. The world. And he did that. You hear me? Bang. The world.

01:28:01.660 I swear. But he had finally had money. He was doing a Broadway show on our show. He

01:28:07.380 went to the racetrack all week. It was old show business. We had a guy who was five

01:28:10.940 feet tall, his head was, and we would just rehearse with him all week. But Mickey would

01:28:15.220 have like $5,000 and he'd put it in front of my face. He goes, think I can afford lunch?

01:28:21.620 And he had a 38. He didn't like the script. He would bring it out. And he'd throw the

01:28:28.360 script. This script is caca. And he's waving this 38 around. And he puts it back in. He

01:28:34.280 goes, they're not going to get me.

01:28:36.440 Who?

01:28:37.440 He was going to kill Juan Corona, this serial killer. Before this, I was going to go to see

01:28:42.460 Juan Corona. And I would say, you know who I am? I'm Mickey Rooney. I was going to plug

01:28:48.120 him full of holes. He was the craziest, greatest. He would play a piano because he was a jack 1.00

01:28:55.660 of all trades. He would play his piano chords. He goes, this is Stephen Sondheim's favorite

01:28:59.980 song. But then we bonded. He thought I was a hack and an idiot. But then I was able to

01:29:06.300 do Jimmy Stewart for him. So that's when I got him.

01:29:09.500 I go, how you doing, Mick?

01:29:11.000 Yeah. Good to say. And said he was an impressionist too. He's like Sammy Davis Jr. Just could do

01:29:17.760 anything.

01:29:18.140 How you doing, man?

01:29:18.700 So we got going toward the end. And Nathan and I, and there's so much more to it. But

01:29:23.380 Meg Ryan played my girlfriend. Scatman Carruthers. First time I really befriended this beautiful

01:29:31.520 older black man from the South, I think, or whatever. But Scatman Carruthers. And he was

01:29:38.180 like such a poet. My brother came out to visit me. And he'd say, see that man over there with

01:29:43.980 the broom? He's an artist. We're all artists. And he'd play the ukulele. And he'd walk around

01:29:50.100 the studio. It had an unmarked bottle this big of pills. And he'd just chug some, you know,

01:29:54.560 vitamins. I'm going to 100. I'm doing Mickey now. I'm going to 100. So what happened was

01:29:59.780 he had, he smoked a lot of weed. It was always weed everywhere.

01:30:03.880 Scatman?

01:30:04.280 Yeah. Scatman. So during the break, I went back to San Francisco. There he is. He was

01:30:09.180 the nicest guy. So Scott and I got like 10, we got like two lids of Colombian pot. Those

01:30:15.040 days you'd fly with it. I guess we put in a suitcase. We gave it to Scatman in Rockefeller

01:30:20.300 Center. This is 1981. Mickey Rooney's around. Scat, here you go. Next day, he's in the elevator

01:30:25.160 with me. He says, because, you know, he grew up during secrecy with pot. He said, the music

01:30:30.220 was good. Uh, might I get a pound? So it was the best pot he ever had. And he could look

01:30:37.420 at, not even look at you and roll a joint and it was closed on both ends.

01:30:40.660 Oh.

01:30:41.280 So then after the show got canceled, he was living in Van Nuys. And so Scott and I brought

01:30:46.140 a bag of Santa Cruz Colombian pot. We didn't even smoke pot at that point. Maybe a teeny bit,

01:30:50.940 but we brought it to him and he played ukulele. He goes, I got a bad wheel. It was just so,

01:30:56.000 it was such a sweet, such a sweet guy. That was a cool part of that story of meeting him

01:31:01.140 and hanging out with Scatman.

01:31:02.440 Oh yeah. There's nothing better that feels, I feel is better than giving like good weed

01:31:06.380 to a black guy. I feel like too. There's just something as a white guy that about that, 0.57

01:31:09.720 that feels good.

01:31:10.720 I guess so. I just, you know, I didn't, I grew up, you know, mostly it was a white neighborhood

01:31:15.520 and we had an integrated high school. When I was 14, I was standing there, Carmont High

01:31:20.240 School, 2,500 kids. And they brought all the kids in from East Palo Alto. So these buses showed

01:31:25.280 up and 500 black kids came in to the school. And all I was worried about was they think

01:31:30.580 I was prejudiced. So I'd say something that sounded prejudiced, but then, you know, we

01:31:33.980 all, they all ran on the team. We all hung out, but Scatman was just sort of, he's just

01:31:38.180 a poet, you know, just everything he said was poetry. You know, some of these people like.

01:31:42.620 Yeah. My dad had this fellow named, uh, his last name Wilson, right. And he had a, one

01:31:46.500 of his limbs was shortened out. Right. He probably had that, you know, he had that damn sand wedge

01:31:51.020 on him. He had that pitching wedge on his left. And so they would, they would cut a bunch 0.99

01:31:55.740 of, he had a bunch of piece of tire cut and just kind of either nailed onto the bottom

01:32:00.980 of that shoe. Interesting. And he would stand sometimes when he didn't have his, uh, good

01:32:05.020 shoe or whatever, he would stand on a little stoop. So he looked even from far off. Right.

01:32:09.400 It was just a big, he didn't want to be uneven, you know, was he a vet or was it just congenital

01:32:14.220 or an accident? He just probably, I don't know. Maybe he got raised in an area on an uneven

01:32:19.040 surface. I have no idea what happened to him. Right. But they, um, he used to put, uh,

01:32:25.880 he would hang out with my father and he would, you know, go get lunch for him and stuff.

01:32:29.980 Sometimes my dad worked in a French quarter for a little while selling, I think some kind

01:32:34.940 of bullshit, but this guy would help him out and he, so he would put cinnamon on his palm 0.96

01:32:40.640 of his hand and let us lick it off when we're children. 1.00

01:32:43.320 You never forget that. My grandmother bring date cookies and stuff. And that seemed exciting.

01:32:48.260 Um, any old person somewhere to treat anything, they hook you up, let you lick their hand 1.00

01:32:53.100 or whatever you felt. It just made you feel. One thing I appreciate, like my mother had

01:32:58.720 a friend that was just from Montana. Her name was Cookie. So she's an old person who just

01:33:03.720 giggled all the time. When you didn't meet a bitter, you just, I met a lot of bitter people.

01:33:08.740 They didn't like being old and my date, you know, it's like, okay, show business especially

01:33:13.540 or life is a bitterness factory. So be one of those cheerful. Don't be mad at someone for being

01:33:19.580 young. Cause James Ferentino was mad at me for being young when I did blue thunder.

01:33:23.420 Really?

01:33:23.920 So I was in this mock helicopter, another show that I did and he was purely doing massive amounts

01:33:29.120 of Coke. He had a styrofoam cup, this big, a straight vodka when we were in the mock helicopter

01:33:33.780 with our helmets on acting. And then I got fired from that.

01:33:39.020 That's crazy. People would do that then. Cause they don't do that now.

01:33:41.660 I know it was so obvious cause he got out of the chopper. His dealer was over there

01:33:45.520 and then I thought I'll just take a sip of water. I was so young and naive. He would take,

01:33:49.980 he was like Scarface. He'd take the script out and he just pounded on the, uh, instrument 0.91

01:33:53.840 panel and the fake helicopter were like 10 feet in the air and they're blowing steam at us,

01:33:57.460 you know? Okay. And we're pretending like, there we are. I love this guy.

01:34:01.780 I had a great haircut. Dude, you do. I could definitely see if a gay dude rolled up, bro. 0.99

01:34:07.540 You are toast. Oh yeah. Yeah. I was Jaffo. Just another fresh, look at that. 1.00

01:34:13.920 I'll throw a punch. That doesn't even look like the same guy. 0.62

01:34:16.900 Well, that was a while back, but yeah, no, that's me being the macho guy. But I just had

01:34:21.520 lines in the back of the chopper. He'd say, Jaffo incoming, jam him. And I would say, I am jamming.

01:34:26.420 I am jamming, sir. You know, I wanted to be, I wanted to be Richard Pryor or something or Steve Martin.

01:34:31.460 I'm in this goofy show. Oh, I bet they play that at so many bathhouses on loop, dude.

01:34:35.160 I am jamming. I am jamming. I am jamming.

01:34:39.360 I bet you were on so many, you were not getting paid for this.

01:34:43.660 I'm not jamming, but someone else is.

01:34:46.000 I think you need to sell, if you sold tickets in specific areas, man, you would really, really crush.

01:34:50.700 But he would call me at night. What are they saying about me?

01:34:53.500 Well, that you're doing drugs and you're out of your mind. Okay. Just checking. See you later.

01:34:58.080 But I got fired. They put me in the helicopter with that suit on and then they fired me.

01:35:04.320 They said, come on down. The whole crew was there. And I had to come down the ladder wearing that.

01:35:09.220 And they go, you're fired. I am now? They could have told me before I got in the monkey suit.

01:35:13.560 So I got to do, it's like an old show called Brandon. I'm walking across everybody, you know,

01:35:17.880 kind of waving, humiliated. I go to the wardrobe guy who I kind of befriended.

01:35:22.200 And I'm kind of shook up and I go, man, I'm funny. I can do stuff.

01:35:25.480 And he put his hand on my shoulder like, sure, kid. It's okay, kid. You know?

01:35:29.460 And then I ran into him after SNL. He goes, God, you weren't right. I didn't fucking, you know?

01:35:34.960 So I got revenge, but that was another crazy, I had some crazy people, you know, experiences. 0.98

01:35:40.440 But did you ever trial for MacGyver? That makes me think about that, looking at that show and then seeing you.

01:35:45.200 It seemed like they almost would have put you on there.

01:35:46.660 I don't know. At some point I stopped because what they did was they were giving me $7,500 a week.

01:35:52.560 And I'm from a middle-class family. I was a busboy.

01:35:54.320 That's a lot of money.

01:35:55.000 Yeah. So I was like doing all this stuff was a waste of time.

01:35:58.260 But in the meantime, I was doing stand-up.

01:36:00.340 So finally I got, they offered me Funster Hall.

01:36:04.980 It was like a Punky Brewster spinoff.

01:36:07.600 So the pilot was going to be $30,000 in 1984.

01:36:11.720 That's a lot of money.

01:36:12.400 So I just thought, nah, can't do this anymore.

01:36:14.880 So then all I did was clubs.

01:36:16.720 Oh, because you were making too much money touring.

01:36:18.440 Well, I was just in comedy clubs.

01:36:20.260 I was mostly Seattle.

01:36:21.420 Bay Area had like five full-time clubs.

01:36:24.220 So I started going, you know, I started headlining.

01:36:26.840 I was headlining, but even bigger rooms.

01:36:28.860 And I was making plenty of money.

01:36:30.980 Yeah, you know, $2,000 a week.

01:36:33.040 And so I just did that for two years.

01:36:35.700 And then I did one final thing that was different was a movie called Tough Guys with Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas.

01:36:43.000 So they became my buddies.

01:36:44.720 That was weird.

01:36:45.280 I was the third wheel in that movie.

01:36:46.980 Kirk Douglas is.

01:36:49.080 He just passed.

01:36:50.380 He passed.

01:36:51.080 He was made to 102.

01:36:51.980 He was the dad, huh?

01:36:53.300 Oh, yeah.

01:36:53.780 Yeah.

01:36:54.500 Kirk Douglas.

01:36:55.940 He talked like this.

01:36:57.780 And there's a ton of great movies.

01:37:00.100 And Burt Lancaster.

01:37:01.380 These were like, this is like working with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt or something.

01:37:06.960 You know, and so.

01:37:08.180 Michael Landon, did you ever work with?

01:37:10.240 No, I would love.

01:37:11.540 There we go again.

01:37:12.260 Yeah, look.

01:37:13.240 Look, I was the pro.

01:37:14.220 I was the straight man again.

01:37:15.440 What are you guys doing?

01:37:16.600 I'm telling you we're going to rob a bank.

01:37:18.620 Yeah, they were.

01:37:19.940 Kirk Douglas, when he saw me, I go, I play him Richie.

01:37:22.680 Kirk Douglas said, well, you're perfect.

01:37:25.220 You look exactly like Richie.

01:37:27.680 And then Burt Lancaster said, how many movies have you done?

01:37:30.760 I go, well, this is my first.

01:37:32.340 You've done one.

01:37:33.320 I've done 72.

01:37:35.340 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:37:37.060 So that's the way they talk.

01:37:38.300 You can look it up.

01:37:39.500 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 1.00

01:37:40.460 So look at all this shit I did. 1.00

01:37:42.000 It's a different time, huh? 1.00

01:37:43.220 I'm on SNL as the church lady eight months later.

01:37:46.280 I mean, I just came out of nowhere.

01:37:47.900 What?

01:37:49.080 Yeah.

01:37:49.760 But they were.

01:37:50.500 It was a thrill being around them and listening and tell the stories.

01:37:53.720 Jack Nicklaus had won the Masters golf at age 46.

01:37:56.680 And people thought.

01:37:57.760 And they're like, I had pimples at 46.

01:38:00.880 46 isn't old.

01:38:02.920 It's not even middle-aged.

01:38:05.860 And they talk like that.

01:38:07.420 And eventually I started doing this thing, which is politically incorrect.

01:38:12.060 You can cut it out.

01:38:12.880 But just for my own amusement, late night writer's room stuff, I did them as lovers.

01:38:18.400 You know, Kirk and Burt.

01:38:20.020 And I don't really like blue humor, but I thought their voices would blend so funny.

01:38:24.180 And the comedy was about the rhythm and the vernacular.

01:38:30.500 I want you.

01:38:32.280 And I want you now.

01:38:34.080 I need to have you.

01:38:35.840 Okay.

01:38:36.560 Don't rush me.

01:38:37.720 Two men having fun.

01:38:38.800 Doesn't mean we're gay.

01:38:40.080 Come on.

01:38:40.900 Do what you gotta do.

01:38:42.860 Don't keep bucking around like that, son.

01:38:45.140 I only got so much play down there. 0.93

01:38:47.520 You keep bucking around like that, I gotta pull out and splooge all over your backside. 0.90

01:38:50.440 So that was the poem that made Lovitz throw up in a parking garage.

01:38:55.360 So I would do 20-minute versions of this for the writer's room.

01:38:58.340 Could you, Bert and Kirk?

01:38:59.780 And I did it on an HBO special.

01:39:02.200 But I'd do it with Lovitz.

01:39:03.660 And Lovitz, because I would just go so far with it, you know.

01:39:07.260 I don't know why I need you, but I want all of it.

01:39:10.880 Tonight you won't.

01:39:11.920 So what I did was, then I made it into, they're just gonna wrestle.

01:39:15.380 And I made some tapes for friends and sent it to Bill Hader.

01:39:18.120 So I'd like you to come over to my house.

01:39:20.640 Three, five, nine, Cannon Drive.

01:39:23.080 This is 1952.

01:39:24.500 I'll be there with bells on.

01:39:25.920 There's a gate off the side.

01:39:27.160 The code is 754 pound.

01:39:30.180 We're gonna wrestle.

01:39:31.480 We're gonna wrestle naked style.

01:39:33.840 I'm looking forward to it.

01:39:35.140 Would you like me to bring anything?

01:39:36.940 Lemonade.

01:39:37.880 Bring me some lemonade.

01:39:40.740 We'll lather up and then we'll wrestle.

01:39:43.300 First man out of the ring loses.

01:39:45.540 I look forward to it. 0.75

01:39:46.840 Just naked. 0.96

01:39:47.580 I might be more of a diaper. 0.91

01:39:49.480 455 Cannon Drive.

01:39:50.920 I'll be there 4 p.m.

01:39:52.360 Make it 4.15.

01:39:54.400 I gotta get ready for the rhythm.

01:39:56.100 So it's just me having a party with those rhythms.

01:39:58.680 Because when I do this stuff, I'm the audience in my head, too.

01:40:01.740 I'm trying to make it myself.

01:40:02.900 So that's, I've been canceled three times.

01:40:06.580 That's great to be the audience in your own head.

01:40:09.360 Aren't you a little bit sometimes?

01:40:10.640 If you're in a roll and you're doing bits and it's packed and you're rolling

01:40:14.300 and you're doing it a little bit better or a little bit different than you ever have.

01:40:18.640 So you're turning yourself on going back to the beginning of the podcast.

01:40:23.640 And what does that do?

01:40:24.840 It turns on the audience.

01:40:26.280 You know, if you get to turn yourself on.

01:40:28.280 But that's all I'm trying to do all the time.

01:40:30.780 I did Biden last night on Kimmel.

01:40:33.060 I was just trying to get that feeling of a rhythm that makes me laugh, you know?

01:40:39.980 Yeah, and he going...

01:40:41.420 Come on.

01:40:42.380 Let's get real.

01:40:43.940 I'm not kidding around here.

01:40:45.800 You know, we're all well endowed by our creator.

01:40:50.160 And all men, it's the belief that all men are secreted equally with liberty

01:40:54.420 and jumpsuits for all man-made kind. 1.00

01:40:57.780 You're ridiculous. 1.00

01:40:58.720 No joke. 1.00

01:40:59.640 Of race.

01:41:00.340 It's clear water.

01:41:02.320 It's colored balloons.

01:41:04.200 I walked on the moon.

01:41:06.320 You know how he yells.

01:41:07.240 Walked on the moon.

01:41:08.060 Lance Armstrong.

01:41:09.000 He says, I have a sub.

01:41:10.200 Buzz, buzz, buzz light here.

01:41:11.940 It was cold and dark.

01:41:12.840 We got home, the grace of God.

01:41:14.180 President Harris was there.

01:41:15.740 I'm Joe Biden.

01:41:16.520 So I was just kind of trying to find a character and a rhythm

01:41:19.320 because Trump is so easy.

01:41:20.700 I'm going to make an announcement soon.

01:41:22.400 You're going to love it.

01:41:23.200 I'm going to say things like you wouldn't believe.

01:41:24.900 And I know how to say things.

01:41:26.140 People don't want me to say it, but I'm going to say it pretty soon.

01:41:28.560 And you're going to be happy like you wouldn't believe.

01:41:31.100 So they're just fun, fun rhythms.

01:41:33.540 I did one as Obama as a preschool teacher.

01:41:37.560 Jack and Jill went up the hill.

01:41:40.500 Jill decided she wanted to become a Jack. 0.97

01:41:43.140 And Jack decided he wanted to become a Jill.

01:41:45.800 It's a teachable moment.

01:41:47.080 So anyway, that's all.

01:41:48.080 These are just rhythms I'm still working on.

01:41:49.880 I did them on Kimmel, but I like to do them on Theo Vaughn.

01:41:52.180 Is it?

01:41:52.680 Thank you.

01:41:53.500 It's a nice gift.

01:41:54.100 You have a good sense of humor.

01:41:55.740 Sometimes, man.

01:41:56.820 I want to learn how to do one with you real quick.

01:41:58.760 What is one that you think I could do?

01:42:02.080 Maybe Norm.

01:42:02.960 Some are just sounds.

01:42:04.360 Well, I would say the quickest one, and these are ad hoc.

01:42:08.320 They're just traditional, is Walken.

01:42:10.840 You can just start with that voice.

01:42:13.440 The one I distilled was Christopher Walken sees an amazing magic trick.

01:42:18.940 So it's really quick.

01:42:20.380 Christopher Walken sees an amazing magic trick.

01:42:22.160 Wow.

01:42:24.780 Wow.

01:42:25.660 Wow.

01:42:26.520 Wow.

01:42:27.000 You're making three syllables out of one word.

01:42:28.980 Instead of wow, it's wow.

01:42:30.740 Wow.

01:42:31.360 And then don't know.

01:42:33.580 Don't know.

01:42:35.060 There you go.

01:42:35.860 Don't know why.

01:42:37.360 Wow.

01:42:38.220 Don't know why.

01:42:40.420 Well, it's a great character.

01:42:42.380 You should play a hitman that talks like that. 1.00

01:42:44.640 Gotta kill you. 1.00

01:42:45.980 Don't know why. 1.00

01:42:47.100 Plug you full of holes. 0.99

01:42:49.320 No.

01:42:49.820 Oh, but he's like, everyone does him.

01:42:52.060 I'm trying to think like a, oh, you used to do Morgan Freeman.

01:42:55.780 Oh, yeah.

01:42:56.560 They said it would take a man 600 years.

01:42:59.420 Hold on, let me try again.

01:43:01.320 They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison.

01:43:05.920 But Andy Dufresne did it in less than 20.

01:43:09.140 That is good.

01:43:10.100 That is very good.

01:43:11.020 Pretty good.

01:43:11.540 Yeah.

01:43:12.580 Yeah, it's interesting.

01:43:13.660 You got a good voice.

01:43:14.700 There is fun to throw your voice.

01:43:16.400 Is it weird?

01:43:16.880 Because some of your friends have died and you still do their voice.

01:43:19.920 Well, I have Dino Stapinobulus is a great writer.

01:43:25.100 He, every time one of my impressions dies, he texts me.

01:43:29.080 So when George Bush died, he texts me or Regis Philman, you know.

01:43:31.480 But there's a passage of time.

01:43:33.000 You don't do it the day of.

01:43:34.840 But David and I do Norm because we miss Norm and we want to do Norm.

01:43:39.840 And we know that Norm would have a twinkle in his eye and would be smiling if he heard us trying to do them, you know.

01:43:46.260 Hey, they say a penny saved is like a, what do you call it?

01:43:49.900 A penny earned, right?

01:43:51.560 Yeah, that's like a thousand, that's a hundred percent return.

01:43:54.640 That's like, no, you can't get that right, you know.

01:43:57.580 Jack me nimble, Jack me quick, you know.

01:43:59.820 Jack me over the can, he said, what is he, bipolar?

01:44:02.240 What are you doing over there, you know?

01:44:04.000 He was just a brilliant mind.

01:44:06.800 Yeah, David, he'll do that one where like, where Norm just describes, like he's like, yeah, I'm trying to like, hold on, I'm horrible at this.

01:44:14.900 I'll cue you in.

01:44:16.140 So I'm trying to like, I don't know, what are you talking about?

01:44:19.620 It's like a, it's like I walked through this thing.

01:44:22.880 It's like a, it's like a tall rectangle, like a, what is this?

01:44:29.420 And like, it's a doorway.

01:44:31.380 But like, he would just talk about like, I'm in this room and there's just men and there's men peeing in there.

01:44:37.520 I don't even, have you seen this?

01:44:39.760 Have you guys seen this thing?

01:44:41.460 He did a thing.

01:44:42.580 And I don't know if John has talked about this, John Lovitz, but so it's like, yeah, he had a gambling issue, right?

01:44:47.920 Hey, John, give me, give me, give me, come on.

01:44:50.040 He did his act, John's going on.

01:44:51.580 Give me $800.

01:44:52.920 I gotta go to gamble.

01:44:53.760 Come on, you know.

01:44:54.940 So John's like, okay.

01:44:56.560 So the next day, John goes, you know, can I have my $800?

01:45:00.000 He goes, no, I don't have $800.

01:45:02.960 He goes, well, you owe it to me.

01:45:04.720 Why are you so mad?

01:45:05.700 I lost $8,000.

01:45:07.760 You know, I lost $800.

01:45:09.560 Why are you so angry?

01:45:10.540 He just turned it on him. 0.99

01:45:12.200 And John was like, John, Norm would always fuck with him and say, I'm a better, no, he goes, I'm a better stand-up than you, you know. 0.98

01:45:20.160 I'm like a better stand-up than you are because I haven't done it longer and Lovitz would get so mad. 0.98

01:45:25.320 Excuse me.

01:45:27.120 Well, you owe it to me.

01:45:28.540 That's the best that he does that.

01:45:30.220 Oh, yeah.

01:45:30.420 John has his own character.

01:45:31.940 He doesn't even know where it came from.

01:45:33.460 Hello.

01:45:33.860 Oh, but yeah, as far as the 90s thing, which you asked is, so I did two shitty movies for $3 million each.

01:45:42.120 They were terrible.

01:45:43.220 I shouldn't have done them.

01:45:44.260 I just didn't know what I was doing.

01:45:45.980 I came off with too much heat.

01:45:48.160 I had Wayne's World, Perot, Bush, Carson.

01:45:52.820 I was doing all this stuff came together.

01:45:55.000 So I had too much heat and I didn't really know what to do as a middle-class kid.

01:45:57.780 I was $3 million and I hated it so much.

01:46:01.360 Then I had two other offers, Pay or Play, Hans and Franz, The Gurley Man Dilemma, but we wrote it with Arnold.

01:46:07.580 He dropped out, so I didn't want to do that.

01:46:09.960 Bob Odukirk and I wrote a Western called Tucson for me and John Lovitz.

01:46:14.900 That fell out and that was $3 million, Pay or Play.

01:46:18.580 But I was okay to get rid of that.

01:46:20.000 They tried to put us together in Bad Boys, another $3 million, Pay or Play.

01:46:24.380 But then the script just wasn't right and it was a hot oven at that point for me.

01:46:28.820 So I got out of that.

01:46:30.660 So then I just sort of stopped and then I had two kids, but it wasn't – then they went along and then I did the variety show.

01:46:38.880 I did a special and then I did the variety show with Louis C.K. and Carole.

01:46:44.860 You guys had great writers on that.

01:46:46.440 Great show.

01:46:47.160 Did you pick the writers?

01:46:48.860 Well, Smigel was – I interviewed Louis C.K.

01:46:52.720 He was brilliant then and we had an A team for sure.

01:46:57.120 When you decided to take a – so was it a decision to take a break or was it just like this kind of feels what I should do?

01:47:01.980 Was it like specifically to kind of be a parent?

01:47:04.200 Was it to make sure that like –

01:47:05.860 There was some of that.

01:47:07.220 We moved up to Northern California.

01:47:09.320 I was also sort of disillusioned, you know, because the movie thing, once you make those two things and they stick to you, then you're just in a hole to dig out of in a way.

01:47:18.380 Oh, that's what it feels like.

01:47:19.420 If I'd done – I had Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma and others that I was working on.

01:47:24.560 I just made – it's just a misstep.

01:47:26.160 I always think of big life, big mistakes.

01:47:28.000 It's okay to have regrets.

01:47:29.400 But then at that point, I could make a fortune in stand-up.

01:47:32.500 Right.

01:47:32.960 So I could work – I would take two months off at Christmas.

01:47:36.200 I would take the summers off.

01:47:37.220 So I could be a present dad and make a shit ton of money and especially corporate dates.

01:47:42.980 I didn't want to do them.

01:47:44.500 So they'd say this much.

01:47:45.880 I'd say, no, I don't want to do it.

01:47:47.480 And they'd go, well, how about this much?

01:47:48.640 No, I don't want to do it.

01:47:49.620 Then they'd say this much.

01:47:50.600 I'd go, and a private jet?

01:47:52.900 I still don't want to do it.

01:47:53.940 Okay, what kind of private jet?

01:47:55.760 Gulfstream?

01:47:56.540 Okay.

01:47:56.880 So then I started doing those interstitially.

01:47:59.720 Yeah.

01:48:00.120 So I was able to take care of everybody financially, but I was in no man's land.

01:48:04.720 I was untethered.

01:48:06.400 But, you know, fame was not something that I was – I'm kind of like other – there's some of us where fame didn't quite settle with us.

01:48:16.460 It's scary.

01:48:17.260 Some people embrace it and love it, and I don't judge that at all, or very easy with it.

01:48:21.540 For me, I'm kind of an introverted extrovert, so being famous was not – it was a very odd thing.

01:48:27.740 The money was fun and the creativity is fun, but the fame part, you know, I don't know.

01:48:31.740 Yeah, it's kind of scary.

01:48:32.780 But that's how I navigated that.

01:48:34.000 I just throw those numbers out so people know.

01:48:35.920 Because my wife – so I was doing stand-up a while back, and I would just tease the crowd.

01:48:39.900 I would go, I know you're thinking, like, why am I here?

01:48:42.080 It's like 20 seats in the valley.

01:48:44.400 And I go, I know, me too, but I'm a millionaire and stuff like that.

01:48:47.760 Because you don't want people to go, aw, he was so big, and now he's poor.

01:48:51.300 So it was never a problem, and now it's just full circle.

01:48:55.460 Everything's real in real time for me.

01:48:57.840 And so this Weird Place thing is just super fun.

01:49:01.420 Fly on the Wall with David is super fun.

01:49:04.180 I mean, so I'm just having complete creative fun with both those things.

01:49:07.160 I'm not frustrated. 0.99

01:49:08.640 I'm not in a shitty movie or stupid TV show. 1.00

01:49:11.080 Yeah. 0.99

01:49:11.300 You know, I'm doing my own thing now.

01:49:13.900 What was it like watching your kids be funny?

01:49:16.760 What did you, like – was it – what was it like watching your son –

01:49:21.480 like, was that kind of interesting, having had your own relationship with your own dad and your brothers and stuff?

01:49:26.600 What was it like when you were a dad and then you had a couple of boys?

01:49:30.400 Like, what was some of that kind of like?

01:49:33.440 Well, we just had a lot of fun.

01:49:35.360 We had a lot of games.

01:49:36.360 You know, they were just game for anything.

01:49:37.760 We'd do things like on a rainy day, set up an obstacle course around the house and time them.

01:49:43.940 Yeah.

01:49:44.240 And they'd run.

01:49:45.220 They did the classic, like, massive pillow – massive – well, we did the pillow throw.

01:49:51.180 It was called – and so they would – I'd get all the pillows from the couch,

01:49:54.720 and they would run across on the carpet, and I would try to get them under their feet and fall.

01:49:59.300 And they loved all the games, you know.

01:50:02.680 The hide-and-go daddy, which they would go in the room and they would hide.

01:50:06.540 I knew where they were, but I would creep around and go, I don't really know where they are this time.

01:50:10.460 You hear the closet door shaking?

01:50:12.340 You know, so they – and they have their own friends and their own humor, even as little kids.

01:50:18.180 They were – you know, but we just had a lot, a lot of fun.

01:50:22.360 A lot – they had a childhood of freedom up there, northern California suburbs.

01:50:28.080 Kids could just go out a lot more and, you know, sort of – so.

01:50:31.480 So, I don't know, Dex can jump on the mic on this one.

01:50:35.860 Yeah, I'm just kind of – I guess I'm just kind of curious, you know.

01:50:38.600 We just had a lot of fun.

01:50:40.000 We watched a lot of movies, had a lot of rituals, and, you know, we went on vacation a lot to Montana, a lot.

01:50:46.920 And we just were in Montana, and it was very nostalgic, you know, for Dex and Tom to be up there in Montana.

01:50:52.700 Right, Dex?

01:50:53.480 Oh, it's the best state.

01:50:55.040 Unbelievable.

01:50:55.400 Was Fred Wolf up there or not?

01:50:57.680 Not at that time, but he's up there all the time, too, yeah.

01:51:00.700 If you go to Flathead Lake in August and you catch a nice day, it's like Tahoe.

01:51:04.880 No one's on the lake, and the water is just temperate, the mountains.

01:51:07.840 I mean, it's a magic place, northwestern Montana, Missoula, where I was born, and where we were this summer.

01:51:14.140 I mean, two being in stuff, just on an incredible motorboat.

01:51:18.140 Right, Dex?

01:51:19.720 It was the best.

01:51:20.800 Two and behind a bow is one of the best things on the planet.

01:51:23.760 Dex, was there ever competition with you and your brother to make your dad laugh?

01:51:29.900 Were you guys kind of funny?

01:51:32.020 I'm just trying to think of what it's like to have humor with your father.

01:51:35.280 I never had moments with my dad where we made each other laugh that I can remember or anything.

01:51:39.600 I think I was just too young.

01:51:41.420 So I guess maybe there's no correlation.

01:51:43.200 I didn't have it with my dad either.

01:51:45.940 Most of the time, I think I was a regular dad.

01:51:47.880 I wasn't always doing voices and characters, right, Dex?

01:51:50.700 Well, when you were working up for your special and you let Tom and I go on the road with you,

01:51:56.480 that would get a little competitive, you know, because Tom and I would be opening for you.

01:52:00.700 So if Tom just crushed, I'd be like, oh, man, I got the...

01:52:05.940 So Tom, you know, the brothers are doing stand-up.

01:52:08.360 And, you know, yeah, but I would just say we just had a lot of fun.

01:52:14.340 My wife, who likes a very tidy home, just gave them full run of it most of the time. 0.99

01:52:19.480 You know, the airsoft battles where there's a million pellets and their cousins would come over

01:52:23.960 and couches and they'd be in there fighting for hours, loading up.

01:52:28.040 And, you know, I couldn't watch them.

01:52:30.300 They'd be on skateboards going down a steep hill.

01:52:32.520 So my mind was too active on that thing, but my wife could watch them go down the hill. 0.99

01:52:37.660 And, you know, they had a very free childhood in a lot of ways.

01:52:41.660 Don't you think, Dex, you know, bike riding?

01:52:44.580 Oh, you couldn't ask for more fun.

01:52:46.660 They had a lot of independence, yeah.

01:52:48.880 Yeah, North Bay, Mill Valley, just a little Steven Spielberg town.

01:52:55.160 Wow.

01:52:55.720 And Julian Matalich was there, too.

01:52:58.300 And now with Full Circle, here they are working on this thing years later.

01:53:01.880 Isn't that funny?

01:53:02.680 The weird place, which we're always in.

01:53:04.340 We're all always in the weird place, man.

01:53:06.980 It's such a twilight zone, life is.

01:53:09.280 Yeah, it really is.

01:53:10.940 It's a touch reality is sort of, because I feel like your dreams are, and your memories are very similar, you know.

01:53:19.880 You dream something, but if, like, you try to, like, hold it in your brain, you in fourth grade or something,

01:53:24.820 it's kind of in that place where you would hold a dream, you know.

01:53:28.900 So it's sort of elusive, isn't it?

01:53:31.080 Yeah.

01:53:31.260 Did that really happen, you know, in fourth grade when we would, because you're remembering it just in images in your head,

01:53:37.380 when we skipped the rocks, and I beat my brother that time.

01:53:40.360 You know, he had six skips.

01:53:42.180 You know, skipping rocks was a pretty cool thing.

01:53:44.340 Skipping rocks is still a conquistadorian event if you can get into it and do it well.

01:53:49.380 Yeah, I miss the days when things were a lot more simpler and things would be, like, I remember walking down the street,

01:53:54.700 somebody invited somebody, their family, somebody had died over there, and they buried them in their yard, right,

01:54:00.360 to do insurance money because they weren't going to tell anybody and get that check.

01:54:04.920 Wow. 0.99

01:54:05.700 So me and my buddy Summerall are walking down the street, and next thing you know, we get invited to a damn funeral, 0.98

01:54:10.780 so we're in the backyard at the— 0.98

01:54:13.180 Oh, wow. 0.99

01:54:14.000 At these folks' house, and they're burying the damn grandfather in there in the ground, 1.00

01:54:17.640 and then we'd go back there and play kickball and shit back there, 0.99

01:54:20.580 and he was in the ground for, like, probably 11 months before the cot. 0.96

01:54:23.620 They figured it out, you know, some, you know—

01:54:26.300 Wow, that's extraordinary.

01:54:28.320 A cadaver buried in the yard.

01:54:30.520 And we had to do a—I remember they said, does anybody want to say anything, right?

01:54:35.180 And my buddy, he said grace, like you say at dinner or something.

01:54:38.940 He didn't know what to do, I guess.

01:54:40.100 We were just children.

01:54:41.040 Wow.

01:54:41.240 And he said, God is great, God is good, God, we thank you for this food. 0.99

01:54:44.580 And I'm like, this is a fucking— 0.99

01:54:46.020 We're standing there by this hole. 0.99

01:54:48.660 The cannibal vibe?

01:54:49.180 Yeah.

01:54:49.580 That was so weird.

01:54:50.840 Scott and I were in the pet cemetery team under the willow tree, so the animals—

01:54:55.820 Oh, y'all were burying him out there, huh?

01:54:57.140 So you almost had a little bit of land, huh?

01:54:59.320 Well, no, a quarter acre.

01:55:00.980 There was a willow tree.

01:55:01.980 Whoa.

01:55:02.460 That's a little close to be burying a dead animal, bro.

01:55:05.840 Well, we—

01:55:06.680 What?

01:55:07.820 Well, where else are we going to do with him?

01:55:09.260 Take him to the dump? 0.94

01:55:10.180 I don't give a damn. 0.96

01:55:11.180 If you don't have a half acre, bro, you don't want to put it. 0.89

01:55:12.760 No, we—

01:55:13.640 It was a short—

01:55:14.800 You know, Boots got rigor mortis in the laundry room out in the garage, so we cannot go.

01:55:19.380 We're touching Boots, and Boots's like—

01:55:21.080 So Boots has ants, ants, ants coming in his mouth, and he's kind of stiff.

01:55:26.000 Oh, yeah.

01:55:26.460 That's a Japanese thing, I think.

01:55:27.880 Not sure he's dead.

01:55:28.580 So we get the shovel, and we're bringing Boots down to the pet cemetery, the willow tree,

01:55:32.120 and we dig the hole and drive, and we put Boots in.

01:55:35.220 We both heard—we thought we heard, meow.

01:55:38.300 And we go, I go, what should we do?

01:55:40.200 He goes, hey, he's goner anyway.

01:55:43.060 So we buried it in Tiger, and then Peppy.

01:55:47.280 What?

01:55:47.660 Peppy got run over.

01:55:48.880 My brother Mark was sort of not a good driver, so he backed up overhead.

01:55:52.620 She took a nap under the tire.

01:55:54.780 We came out, and Peppy—poor Peppy.

01:55:56.640 It was a little cute little poodle.

01:55:58.060 The head was all flattened out, but he said he never felt a bump, but Scott and I got

01:56:03.320 the shovel.

01:56:03.980 This time, it was a—no, it wasn't a question mark.

01:56:06.420 We were down there right next to the boot.

01:56:09.680 You know, so we buried a lot of stuff.

01:56:13.440 Anyway, no, but yeah, we had a kind of a suburban, but it was low population, a lot of open land.

01:56:18.900 Yeah.

01:56:19.320 And so a lot of getting in hollowed-out trees and smoking cigarettes.

01:56:23.280 Oh, yeah, boo-raddly-ing out there.

01:56:24.740 Yeah, getting in the hollow tree and getting—sometimes.

01:56:27.680 Getting stuck in it, you know, and fights, fistfights and headlocks, you know, cut it

01:56:34.100 out, cut it out, you know, a lot of just like—my brother got through a dart and like

01:56:39.400 stuck in my leg, and I had to pull it out, you know, but anyway— 1.00

01:56:43.660 It's real shit, yeah. 0.99

01:56:44.960 Yeah, I know. 1.00

01:56:45.680 It's just there's a—we have a symbiotic kind of child.

01:56:49.820 Yeah, I remember a guy borrowed some money off me one time to buy drugs, right, and I

01:56:53.300 didn't know he was buying it for him and his mother or whatever, but I went down there

01:56:56.960 a couple weeks later to get my money back.

01:56:58.800 You know, I'd loaned it to him like $2.50, and I needed it.

01:57:02.380 You know, holidays were coming up and all of that.

01:57:05.640 And so I went onto their property, and they had like 11 people lived in like a house this

01:57:09.940 big as this room, and there was people sleeping in the sink, and I was so scared to ask for

01:57:14.600 the money.

01:57:15.060 And then him and his mom started fighting about drugs, and next, you know, their fist

01:57:18.280 fighting in the yard, you know?

01:57:20.600 And I was like, oh, y'all can just keep the money.

01:57:22.940 I mean, they're just beating each other's teeth in.

01:57:24.760 Jesus, we had the Kassin brothers, and their mom was like 28 or something, you know?

01:57:29.700 Yeah.

01:57:29.840 And she was divorced.

01:57:31.000 She was a tough chick, but she was never around.

01:57:34.560 And Johnny Kassin—Jimmy Kassin was bigger.

01:57:37.080 I had fist fights with both of them, you know?

01:57:39.100 And I would take five to get in one roundhouses.

01:57:41.860 I was 90 pounds, and then Jimmy beat up Johnny and was over there, and Johnny came out of

01:57:47.080 the kitchen.

01:57:47.560 He got every sharp knife in the kitchen.

01:57:49.920 He was holding them like this.

01:57:51.060 He couldn't even throw them.

01:57:52.240 He goes—and he had like 10 knives.

01:57:57.620 Like Kassin brothers, theirs were the other side of the tracks, even though we didn't have 1.00

01:58:01.360 train tracks there, you know?

01:58:03.840 Mama was horny. 1.00

01:58:05.140 Their mother was just horny. 1.00

01:58:06.820 She was horny? 0.97

01:58:07.300 Oh, dude, we had that lady—I think I told you the other night, my mom got a dang Dodge 1.00

01:58:10.600 Neon, right?

01:58:11.320 And it was so nice.

01:58:12.680 And my brother would go—my brother and I—my brother Zeph and I would go sleep in it at

01:58:17.040 night.

01:58:17.880 Just because it was cool?

01:58:18.960 Oh, it was just the—it had plush interior.

01:58:22.500 Yeah.

01:58:22.960 It had—it just smelled like something new.

01:58:26.940 Yeah.

01:58:27.240 You know, we'd be in there, God, just smelling just—just smelling as much newness as we

01:58:32.820 could.

01:58:33.340 Oh, God.

01:58:34.120 And we'd fall asleep in there.

01:58:35.140 And then this lady—we had this lady that lived a couple apartments down, and she'd 1.00

01:58:38.160 always play—she'd be out there one time, and she was getting railed by some guy on 0.97

01:58:43.160 the—on the fucking new car on the—against the side of it, dude. 0.99

01:58:46.420 Wow. 0.99

01:58:46.640 Where my brother and I—my brother and I woke up, and this lady, she was always out there 0.99

01:58:50.780 kind of touching herself and fucking huffing, you know, not paint, but something. 0.98

01:58:54.320 And then we just felt the car shaking, dude. 1.00

01:58:58.560 It's funny to go by people having sex. 0.59

01:59:00.500 We'd run cross-country in high school, and this couple's on the trail.

01:59:03.700 Yeah.

01:59:03.920 It's like, let me buy—as far as the car, my dad had a British—we always had used cars,

01:59:08.340 but it was a Hillman, and it was a nice British sedan.

01:59:11.480 And my brother Scott, the guy who ran over Pepe, he was like 18, so he went to some baseball

01:59:18.000 thing, hot dog, jamboree, and later on we found out he had 10 Heinekens.

01:59:23.000 So he drove the car home, he had had 10 Heinekens, and then he got hungry, so he had pink popcorn.

01:59:28.740 He had two big things up here, and I don't know how he made it home, but he came in, 0.98

01:59:33.900 and he was so fucking drunk, and my dad goes, you're drunk? 0.94

01:59:36.000 So he's sitting on the bed, and I was like that. 0.99

01:59:37.820 So my dad's doing roundhouse less and right.

01:59:39.920 Well, he broke his wrist on his skull, probably the first two punches.

01:59:43.100 He wore a cast, and we had to say—we couldn't say why.

01:59:45.820 My mom's saying, you're killing him, you're killing him, but he didn't feel anything.

01:59:49.120 So Scott and I were the team.

01:59:50.540 We had to clean up the pink popcorn covered all over the front of the Hillman.

01:59:55.520 And the only thing worse than that is when the whole neighborhood's toilets backed up 0.99

02:00:00.400 in our downstairs toilet.

02:00:02.480 It just started flowing out, because the downstairs brothers had just a toilet down there, no sink,

02:00:07.440 and it started flowing out.

02:00:08.680 So we were in charge.

02:00:09.520 So Scott and I were the bucket brigade. 0.99

02:00:10.920 So it was poo and shit and water going out there. 0.96

02:00:12.680 And not just y'all's, everybody's? 0.99

02:00:14.500 All just—not ours, just the whole neighborhood.

02:00:16.980 It was just not all ours.

02:00:18.240 They just came, and it was flowing up, and we're bailing.

02:00:21.240 It was the first Powerball.

02:00:21.980 Brad had a drill, because it was starting to rise up.

02:00:26.180 So he could have electrocuted himself, but he was drilling, and then he went under the

02:00:30.320 house and was drilling holes for the water to drain.

02:00:33.680 And my mom was screaming to— 0.99

02:00:35.180 He was under the house drilling holes for the water to drain?

02:00:37.300 Yeah.

02:00:37.440 Because the plumbing was loading up in the—

02:00:38.800 Well, because it was filling up the room, and we were bailing as fast as we can.

02:00:42.280 We were really good athletes at the time.

02:00:44.960 We were fit, but just like, for hours.

02:00:47.440 And my mom was screaming.

02:00:48.200 And were we throwing it out the window?

02:00:49.960 We were throwing it out the window. 0.98

02:00:51.560 And we'd even grab shit and throw it out the window. 0.92

02:00:53.580 And we were just— 0.99

02:00:53.960 Just loose-handed dookie?

02:00:55.100 Well, buckets are grabbing.

02:00:56.620 We got just in a frenzy, because we just—we were trying to stop it.

02:01:00.060 If you got a loose-handed dookie of a stranger, I don't know if there's any other—I mean,

02:01:04.520 you should have a nursing— 0.94

02:01:05.220 Well, we had every texture that day.

02:01:06.480 We had kind of milky.

02:01:07.540 We had really solids.

02:01:08.900 We had two double solids.

02:01:10.180 We had every kind of feces going out that thing. 1.00

02:01:12.720 We learned a lot about the human anatomy and gastrointestinal stuff.

02:01:16.180 Yeah.

02:01:16.560 But these are all true stories.

02:01:17.700 I couldn't even tell you—I mean, there's a lot.

02:01:20.220 No, it's good.

02:01:20.860 It's fun.

02:01:21.560 We had some rough and tumble.

02:01:23.940 You know, what I remember about—a lot of people don't remember—like, I'll hang

02:01:26.860 out with my best friends from growing up, and they don't remember a lot of the stuff

02:01:29.760 that happened.

02:01:30.340 That's the interesting thing.

02:01:31.360 I'm like—

02:01:31.720 Well, you're kind of jogging my memory, because of the car and all these things.

02:01:35.700 A lot of people just don't remember it.

02:01:37.040 I don't know if they didn't—weren't paying us enough attention, or—I think I was hyper-aware

02:01:41.440 as a kid, too.

02:01:42.180 I think as comedians, you get hyper-aware, because you're really alert and sensitive

02:01:46.240 to what's going on.

02:01:47.340 That's good for a comedian, is to be observant and really—be a sensitive instrument, I call

02:01:51.960 it.

02:01:52.240 Yeah.

02:01:52.560 And so it's almost a form of—light form of Asperger's.

02:01:55.340 You don't want to look at the light too much, because everything's so intense, you know?

02:01:59.040 And I just remembered all of it, you know?

02:02:01.940 I just—because it was—and there were some just lazy moments, too, but there was one

02:02:06.120 time where I just got incredibly lucky, and it was almost a spooky day at this weird cabin

02:02:11.020 in Montana.

02:02:12.240 Well, they had a slot machine in there, you know, and it had all dimes in it.

02:02:15.540 And so I started getting—

02:02:16.740 You were a child or an adult?

02:02:17.620 I was a child.

02:02:18.420 I was like eight.

02:02:19.280 Scott was ten.

02:02:19.960 I started hitting jackpots.

02:02:21.340 Oh.

02:02:21.820 And it's like—and then he'd do it, and I kept hitting jackpots.

02:02:24.220 Then we were playing poker, and we had these chips, and I kept getting perfect hands.

02:02:27.400 It was this day where I was just incredibly lucky for this day.

02:02:31.400 Like, I couldn't lose.

02:02:32.980 Couldn't lose.

02:02:33.560 It went back to the—and it was dimes coming out.

02:02:35.980 He gets, like, you know, one cherry, gets a dime, like, three cherries.

02:02:39.780 So that was kind of a mystical day, you know?

02:02:43.020 Yeah, things when you're young have so much—like, even if you win seven dimes, it's like,

02:02:47.440 remember when this happened?

02:02:48.800 Oh, yeah.

02:02:49.300 I remember we were going to the movies, and we found a busted open Coke machine, and

02:02:52.800 somebody had been trying to rob it, and, like, jimmied open them, and they'd ran off,

02:02:55.600 obviously right as the money was falling out.

02:02:57.700 And I walked up, and there was all this money and a watch.

02:03:01.140 You could see the robber that had reached in there.

02:03:03.100 His watch had come off.

02:03:04.980 So suddenly, I had me a nice watch and as much money as you could think of.

02:03:08.460 I loved it.

02:03:09.160 That was my addiction to shoplifting.

02:03:11.340 You know, I would go in.

02:03:12.060 And when I finally got caught, like, I had a special billowy coat and a special secret

02:03:18.060 pocket in the back.

02:03:19.500 And so I was, like, in this drugstore, and I'd been shoplifting like crazy, you know,

02:03:24.620 shopping candy, everything.

02:03:25.760 And I got this top that you would spin, and I put it in there, and I'm on my bike.

02:03:29.740 And right as I was getting away, the guy grabbed the back of it.

02:03:32.700 So then my brothers, you know, they were the ones who got me into shoplifting.

02:03:35.860 They would stick stuff down my—

02:03:36.940 They would stick stuff down my pants.

02:03:39.520 But then I, you know, I was shamed by that. 0.98

02:03:41.780 You were a mule. 0.88

02:03:42.160 I took the fall.

02:03:43.780 They didn't say, we were shoplifting, too, and we used to stick stuff down his pants.

02:03:46.780 We taught them how to do it.

02:03:47.880 They didn't say anything.

02:03:48.820 They stayed quiet.

02:03:49.740 So my dad came in, and I thought, okay, here it comes.

02:03:52.940 You know, I snapped the belt.

02:03:54.120 But then he goes, oh, Jesus Christ, you brought shame to the family.

02:03:58.660 But I didn't really feel that. 0.99

02:04:00.120 I saw it, bullshit. 0.99

02:04:02.280 I thought, come on, they were all shoplifting. 0.99

02:04:04.080 Well, anyway, we're halfway through the podcast.

02:04:07.460 We're going to take a break.

02:04:08.680 No, I'm sorry.

02:04:09.480 We've probably done pretty good.

02:04:10.440 How long have we been?

02:04:11.200 Two hours?

02:04:11.580 Oh, Jesus Christmas, man.

02:04:13.520 Seriously, really?

02:04:14.260 Yeah, I didn't realize we kept you in here that long.

02:04:15.460 Did you put it in two-parters?

02:04:16.980 No, we'll do a one-parter, man.

02:04:19.280 Okay.

02:04:20.120 And yeah, I wonder if they'll let us play a clip from your show.

02:04:22.920 Do you think they will?

02:04:24.480 Which, you mean the weird place?

02:04:25.480 From the weird place, yeah.

02:04:26.020 They can play anything they want.

02:04:26.840 They brought a couple clips.

02:04:27.720 Yeah, I got a clip.

02:04:28.740 Want to play it?

02:04:29.680 Yeah.

02:04:30.240 Which one is it?

02:04:30.980 I'll set it up.

02:04:31.660 Uh, you guys were saying, uh, Psycho Bill?

02:04:35.940 Psycho Bill.

02:04:36.660 Okay, this is, this submarine crew goes back in time to the pirate ship.

02:04:40.300 Okay.

02:04:40.660 And then they interact with them, and they figure out they've gone back in time, and they go

02:04:44.940 on a tour of the pirate ship to show them everything, and they go to the brig, and they

02:04:50.320 meet this especially potent prisoner.

02:04:53.040 Okay.

02:04:53.280 And the captain, McKinley, from 1966, is a little thrown by it, and this is their conversation.

02:04:58.360 He's behind the bars.

02:04:59.520 Okay.

02:04:59.840 Are you sure that cell will hold it?

02:05:04.020 Well, I could never break out. 0.99

02:05:06.820 Not with these balls, men, a fine Spanish deal. 1.00

02:05:10.760 Now, who is this oddly attired gentleman? 0.98

02:05:15.240 I'm Captain McKinley, of the United States Navy.

02:05:18.780 Navy man.

02:05:20.360 Something, something strange about you.

02:05:23.680 Oh, what is that sweet fragrance I smell?

02:05:29.860 It's a deodorant.

02:05:32.140 D-O-D-O-R-A-R-A-N. 1.00

02:05:34.660 Never heard of it.

02:05:36.280 Huh.

02:05:36.900 This guy's starting to give me the creeps.

02:05:38.580 So, there's a little, you know, the filmic music, the sound effects, like he's slapping

02:05:43.880 the bar, and the effect on my voice.

02:05:47.040 We played around with that forever.

02:05:48.480 I was doing Hannibal Lecter.

02:05:49.660 I was doing all.

02:05:50.560 And then these guys pitched it down, and I said, oh, God, that's the guy.

02:05:55.020 That's our bad guy.

02:05:56.940 That's Psycho Bill.

02:05:58.120 So, who is this right here?

02:05:59.940 Yeah.

02:06:00.540 What's that sweet fragrance I smell?

02:06:03.820 Yeah.

02:06:04.120 Uh, deodorant.

02:06:05.460 Never heard of it.

02:06:07.140 You're a Navy man.

02:06:08.520 Something strange about you.

02:06:10.440 Oh, yeah.

02:06:11.560 You know, it's almost like somebody just bought a new cat.

02:06:14.820 Do we have another one?

02:06:16.040 Do we have the ant one or no?

02:06:18.100 Yeah, I got it.

02:06:18.860 Okay, here is like the guy who gets the magic power with the globe. 1.00

02:06:23.100 These bullies shit on him. 0.99

02:06:24.600 He says, I'll fight you in an abandoned lot outside of town. 1.00

02:06:28.120 Then he goes to the globe, and he sees an ant, and he puts an ant on the globe, and it's

02:06:32.300 a magic globe.

02:06:33.100 Yeah.

02:06:33.280 So, he drops it on the lot they're at.

02:06:35.060 And they're just waiting to fight him, and this giant ant comes out of the sky, and these

02:06:39.380 bullies have to fight the ant.

02:06:40.700 Oh, nice.

02:06:41.520 Here's a piece of it.

02:06:42.500 Okay.

02:06:42.580 There's a lot longer, but yeah.

02:06:44.040 Look at those legs. 1.00

02:06:45.480 That antenna.

02:06:46.580 Coming out of the sky.

02:06:47.360 That belly.

02:06:48.560 It's a giant ant.

02:06:52.580 Oh, no.

02:06:53.640 We got to fight this thing.

02:06:55.340 Keep your feet moving, boys.

02:06:57.500 Yeah.

02:06:58.120 Get the shotgun out of the truck.

02:07:02.960 Yep.

02:07:04.440 Eat this.

02:07:06.640 Let's give it a few biscuits. 0.99

02:07:09.420 Throw a rocket's head. 0.99

02:07:10.820 I don't know how to hit it in the head. 0.56

02:07:12.320 Hey, if I go, come on.

02:07:14.360 Come on.

02:07:14.960 Got the rope around his neck.

02:07:17.000 Whoa.

02:07:18.560 Whoa.

02:07:18.980 Whoa.

02:07:19.360 Whoa.

02:07:19.620 Whoa.

02:07:19.860 Whoa.

02:07:19.940 Whoa.

02:07:20.020 Whoa.

02:07:20.120 Whoa.

02:07:20.520 Whoa.

02:07:20.620 Whoa.

02:07:20.720 Whoa.

02:07:21.020 Whoa.

02:07:21.120 Whoa.

02:07:21.620 Whoa.

02:07:22.120 Whoa.

02:07:22.620 Whoa.

02:07:23.120 Whoa.

02:07:23.620 Whoa.

02:07:24.120 Whoa.

02:07:24.620 Whoa.

02:07:25.120 Whoa.

02:07:26.120 Whoa.

02:07:26.620 Whoa.

02:07:27.120 I was going to give you a sound collage.

02:07:28.700 Who made the ant noise?

02:07:30.160 They did it.

02:07:31.680 They did effects.

02:07:32.800 I did some practical effects where we layered in.

02:07:35.660 That's so much fun.

02:07:36.680 Layered in a ton of effects.

02:07:37.940 I've been.

02:07:38.820 Julian, what'd you do, man?

02:07:40.020 What'd you do to help out?

02:07:41.120 I want to know a little bit more.

02:07:41.940 He did all the stuff decks.

02:07:43.200 They were partners.

02:07:43.880 Yeah, we'd do like, we'd kind of lay down some initial effects with our just voices and whatnot

02:07:49.640 or find some stuff on YouTube and then we would send it out to our mixer guy we were

02:07:54.620 kind of collaborating with and he'd help us sort of build it out.

02:07:57.220 How exciting are the moments whenever you kind of like, okay, let's redo it again, but

02:08:00.740 then you realize how much you raised the bar on it and you're like, oh my God.

02:08:04.500 That's it.

02:08:05.300 Yeah.

02:08:05.840 That's it.

02:08:06.560 Look how much more we can do.

02:08:07.920 That's why I kept doing it.

02:08:09.040 And those guys went downtown with that ant thing and we kept doing it.

02:08:13.120 Did the Carveys gang up on you any, Julian?

02:08:15.360 Or do you feel like you had, were you afraid to be the, you're obviously the odd person

02:08:20.440 out and there's nothing you can do about that.

02:08:22.280 That's genetic.

02:08:22.680 There's not much, but no, we all grew up together.

02:08:25.500 We had a hole cut in our back fence and we had a tin can phone and whatnot.

02:08:29.720 Oh yeah, dude.

02:08:30.500 We go way back.

02:08:31.240 They know each other.

02:08:32.780 He's like a brother from another mother.

02:08:34.660 I mean, they're like thick as thieves and they have so much shared experience.

02:08:38.380 I met Julian when he was three.

02:08:40.400 God.

02:08:40.920 What was he like then?

02:08:41.720 And he was, he was about, uh, he was pretty, pretty cocky.

02:08:46.480 Really?

02:08:47.080 He had diapers on, but he had an, no, he was just a cute little kid.

02:08:50.120 Shirtless probably, huh?

02:08:52.060 Probably just strolling around the neighborhood.

02:08:54.300 Yep.

02:08:54.640 Drinking out of a tit.

02:08:55.680 That's cocky as you can get, dude.

02:08:57.480 And his dad's from Mississippi.

02:08:59.080 Oh really?

02:08:59.880 So that's, that was, you know, I was, I was baptized in Mississippi. 0.98

02:09:01.940 Oh damn, maybe that's what's up. 0.98

02:09:03.860 Yeah. 0.99

02:09:04.160 Dude, I saw, I used to work over there and, uh, I had to paint a fence one time, right?

02:09:10.920 With this fellow, big Johnny, and he was homoerotic guy, right?

02:09:13.880 And they didn't, you know, and he would wear, uh, big chains and stuff and he had a big afro

02:09:18.960 and he would drive on a riding lawnmower all the time.

02:09:22.460 And he and I had to paint this white fence and the birds, all these, uh, I think there

02:09:28.840 were nightingales maybe, would come and try to get into his hair.

02:09:33.300 And so my job while I, we were painting, I had a badminton racket and just to whack them

02:09:37.840 all day, bro.

02:09:39.020 So that was your job?

02:09:40.220 Yeah, we were out there.

02:09:40.860 I started painting, but by the baby about an hour in, he couldn't handle the pressure

02:09:44.060 of nature.

02:09:45.100 So what?

02:09:45.760 60 cents an hour and you're just whacking birds with a tent?

02:09:48.180 Oh, I was doing pretty, I was getting paid five bucks an hour, but I was out there.

02:09:50.620 I probably, dude, I bet I took 30 sparrows off that dude's brim that day, man.

02:09:55.220 I mean, cause they, his hair was just, they wanted a nest in it.

02:09:58.480 But did you wound them and then they'd fly away or did you really whack them dead?

02:10:02.000 I'd say probably 40, 40, 50 or 40, not 40, 50, 50, 50.

02:10:07.380 Wow.

02:10:08.760 Birds are intense.

02:10:10.280 Yeah, it depends.

02:10:11.080 Well, the problem with birds is they're coming out of the sky and you don't know what's going

02:10:13.680 on up there.

02:10:14.280 That's what I find.

02:10:15.380 Right.

02:10:15.940 Animals, you get a little bit more, you get the, they run up, you get the ambiance, but a bird, 0.99

02:10:20.140 you're like, fuck, you know? 0.99

02:10:21.140 We have some koi fish on our farm slash ranch and they're inside this cement. 1.00

02:10:25.720 It came with the house, but they built it.

02:10:28.320 So like the bald eagles or whatever's up there, cause most of the people come over and go,

02:10:32.080 I can't believe they're still alive.

02:10:33.280 And they're big.

02:10:33.880 They're like 40 pounds and they'll live to like 110.

02:10:36.340 Koi will?

02:10:36.820 Yeah.

02:10:37.320 They'll live way past us.

02:10:39.040 They're like vegetables that float around.

02:10:40.900 I mean, they go around in circle on a five foot thing and they're fascinated for a hundred

02:10:44.540 years.

02:10:44.900 But anyway, he said that the birds intuitively know they could get them with their tailons,

02:10:49.620 is that it?

02:10:50.220 But they wouldn't, they don't have enough runway to get out cause they'd hit the Buddha statue. 0.99

02:10:54.900 Damn. 0.99

02:10:55.640 So they're safe for now. 0.99

02:10:57.720 They're safe for now.

02:10:58.560 Yeah.

02:10:58.960 Safe for now.

02:10:59.820 I think we all, we're all, that's all we all are.

02:11:01.540 We're all safe.

02:11:02.360 How do we close this deal?

02:11:04.540 I, I, this has been so much fun.

02:11:06.520 I really told you a lot of stuff.

02:11:09.800 No, look, I'm just, I think it's interesting.

02:11:11.660 I've heard some about your life.

02:11:12.620 I think it's nice that you're getting to work on a project that, you know, with family,

02:11:16.880 obviously family is something that's been very important to you.

02:11:19.640 And so I think that's super to me.

02:11:21.400 That's really cool, man.

02:11:22.400 Like, you know, I talk about doing stuff with my brother.

02:11:24.780 There's a lot of people who'd give anything to be able to do a job with their dad, no

02:11:28.480 matter what it is, you know?

02:11:29.680 And like, um, especially to make something like this, that almost anybody could really

02:11:33.920 make, like, of course people aren't going to have the same talents.

02:11:35.700 People, people make them, but we know that you got it.

02:11:39.340 There's a whole new level you need to go to.

02:11:41.220 You can't just write a script, get some voice actors and add a couple of effects.

02:11:44.840 Right.

02:11:45.100 You need to win the war every moment for the attention span.

02:11:48.600 You need every single moment.

02:11:50.500 That's why we made it kind of like an album.

02:11:52.800 Yeah.

02:11:53.320 You know, uh, rather than just something to get something else.

02:11:57.040 Hey, maybe someone will buy it and we'll make a lot of money.

02:11:59.480 Yeah.

02:11:59.640 You know, we actually said, no, we want to conquer this space.

02:12:02.720 And those guys, they were writing with me at the table.

02:12:05.860 They were directing me.

02:12:07.600 Um, they were doing rewrites and they were doing the editing and they were stacking the

02:12:11.520 effects and working with Ben and, you know, it's just, and choosing music, bringing in

02:12:15.600 the music and the music inspired me.

02:12:18.140 Yeah.

02:12:18.540 You know, and the right scary music for Psycho Bill or what's the music.

02:12:22.500 And we had the, that library.

02:12:23.840 So we, we were able to make it filmic as you can see by these samples.

02:12:27.320 Oh yeah.

02:12:27.840 Well, it's also does that thing for me.

02:12:29.500 It brings back your imagination.

02:12:31.420 That's it.

02:12:31.900 Suddenly my imagination has to work and it's almost excited.

02:12:36.020 And I don't mean that any dad and son could do this or any dad and family and friends can

02:12:39.940 do this or any group.

02:12:41.360 Anybody could, you could make something fun with your family.

02:12:43.680 You could do something with the tools available.

02:12:45.740 You can make cool, you can make really cool stuff.

02:12:48.040 Yeah.

02:12:48.280 But also obviously you guys are trying to get it at a level out there where it's like,

02:12:51.460 you know, you want to put a piece of art out into the world.

02:12:53.500 And I think it's interesting that you didn't burn yourself out over the years.

02:12:56.960 So you still have the, a little bit of the veracity or concern or whatever to want to

02:13:03.640 do something like this.

02:13:04.340 A lot of people get burnt.

02:13:06.000 I mean, there are people that, you know, do 20 things that they don't want to do for

02:13:10.080 years and they get burnt out, you know?

02:13:11.980 My other son watched the time machine with Rod Taylor, Obsessed, which I showed him as

02:13:15.420 a little kid and he's possessed by it.

02:13:17.940 So art and music, my family with the Beatles and movies, just everything to us.

02:13:23.680 Making art, doing it.

02:13:25.700 I like to think that because of my cross country and track, I've kept my VO2 max really strong.

02:13:30.760 Like, I don't think anyone in Hollywood could hike up a hill with me.

02:13:35.080 I don't really think so.

02:13:36.740 If they could, but I'm going past, like, they're all in the slow lane.

02:13:39.820 So you could beat Nealon easy on his little...

02:13:41.840 Well, yeah, I don't want to pick on him.

02:13:43.200 I'm thinking of you and me, mano a mano.

02:13:45.300 I'm looking at 30 years young.

02:13:47.020 He's got lungs on him.

02:13:47.860 Does your dad have some good lungs on him, Dex?

02:13:50.680 Unbelievable.

02:13:51.500 Wow.

02:13:51.980 Well, I've just never stopped.

02:13:53.060 I need it for my mental health.

02:13:54.800 I love playing the guitar. 1.00

02:13:56.480 Like, I do it for an hour every night, making up shit. 0.99

02:13:59.460 And I need the breaking the sweat with the pulse. 0.99

02:14:02.920 I love it.

02:14:03.800 But I do think the core energy and passion for me, and I'm just surprised.

02:14:08.260 It sounds so self-congratulatory.

02:14:10.240 But I care just as much about this as anything I've done.

02:14:14.520 Anything.

02:14:15.040 It doesn't matter to me.

02:14:16.040 When something was kind of shitty...

02:14:17.800 You can tell.

02:14:18.260 If something's popular, okay, I might like it.

02:14:21.700 But, well, you can tell by hearing, right?

02:14:23.880 You just tell.

02:14:24.520 Because the amount of layering that went into it, and the amount of sound collage, and just

02:14:28.760 finding Psycho Bill, and writing the part, and what do they say?

02:14:32.060 I want to ask you a question.

02:14:33.400 Yeah.

02:14:34.760 Blink in your brain when you hear that voice.

02:14:37.640 I could never get scared.

02:14:39.380 What do you picture?

02:14:42.500 Psycho Bill, you mean?

02:14:43.260 Yeah.

02:14:44.060 I picture a big, oh, you know what?

02:14:48.240 You say, no, well, it could be anything.

02:14:50.820 Now I wonder if my brain's taking over. 0.99

02:14:52.580 I picture a little bitty guy with the biggest wiener you've ever fucking seen. 0.99

02:14:59.800 A human tripod. 0.99

02:15:00.860 I mean, he's got, no, he has to wear it over his shoulder in a bag.

02:15:03.600 Yeah, he uses it or weapon.

02:15:04.960 But he doesn't even talk about it.

02:15:06.460 It's just, you don't really know that.

02:15:07.900 Okay. 0.99

02:15:08.160 And he has the biggest, thickest, darkest mustache you've ever fucking seen. 0.99

02:15:12.180 So that's the thing. 0.99

02:15:13.660 That is your Psycho Bill.

02:15:16.100 That's your Psycho Bill.

02:15:17.660 So that, you.

02:15:18.580 And he can get out of the prison easy.

02:15:20.220 He could literally just walk through the bars if he wanted.

02:15:22.120 Well, there's stuff that happens.

02:15:23.500 But he stays in there because it's just, it's who he is.

02:15:26.360 Well, things happen in the storyline.

02:15:28.400 There's stuff that happens with other sailors, and there's some illicit stuff that's going on.

02:15:33.800 Yeah, good.

02:15:34.340 So, you know, that's the great thing about this.

02:15:37.220 If you're driving around as a mom with your kids, and it's nothing else going on.

02:15:40.720 You can listen to it with family.

02:15:41.320 And let them imagine the story.

02:15:44.360 Let them decide what Captain McKinley looks like.

02:15:46.960 Or Captain Jack, you know, who I worked after my wife's Irish uncle.

02:15:52.380 Am I going to talk like that?

02:15:53.380 And we just call him Captain Jack.

02:15:54.400 So all the characters have some reason or some way I found my way to them.

02:16:00.140 There's a character called Smarty Wiggins, a pirate.

02:16:02.160 And I base it off this Irish woman, Noni, who talks sort of like this.

02:16:06.980 But he's the smartest pirate in the world.

02:16:09.140 And he invents the toilet.

02:16:11.540 And he goes, I call it a lavatory. 0.87

02:16:14.960 Because he's a genius pirate.

02:16:16.920 But that was coming from Noni's voice.

02:16:19.000 God rest her soul.

02:16:20.020 She went to the stars. 1.00

02:16:21.400 God damn! 1.00

02:16:22.400 That's what my father used to say all the time. 1.00

02:16:24.220 Oh, really? 0.99

02:16:24.960 God damn it. 1.00

02:16:25.660 God damn! 1.00

02:16:27.900 And he would like... 0.99

02:16:29.360 Just randomly? 0.99

02:16:31.040 Yeah, we'd wake him up and he'd be like, God damn it! 0.97

02:16:34.960 It was like all I remember him saying most of my life, dude. 0.98

02:16:38.580 And then he would like have some beers.

02:16:40.660 He would...

02:16:41.060 Oh, he would take me to the bar with him and he'd tell me to go walk down the bar and come back, you know?

02:16:46.160 Oh, my dad used to...

02:16:47.380 And literally walk down the bar and I'd walk down it with all the people's glasses on and stuff.

02:16:51.560 Oh, walk down and get a beer for him?

02:16:53.600 Or just walk down it and come back.

02:16:55.420 You know, when you're little, it's a long bar.

02:16:57.100 You know, when you're four or five, it's a pretty long bar.

02:16:58.760 Oh, yeah.

02:16:58.780 But it's all nasty stuff.

02:17:00.220 A bar is illicit.

02:17:01.780 Yeah.

02:17:02.080 You know, reaching in and getting a little popcorn or a snack nut.

02:17:05.060 Oh, yeah.

02:17:05.340 And you're, you know, jumping over this glass and, you know...

02:17:08.300 It's dark in there.

02:17:08.880 ...you're having to conversate with people.

02:17:09.980 It's almost...

02:17:10.340 Maybe that's how I got on stage first.

02:17:11.600 I didn't even think about that.

02:17:12.740 Well, God, yeah.

02:17:13.800 But I had to walk.

02:17:13.820 Sometimes I'd go walk the bar for him down there and the lady would be down there. 1.00

02:17:16.740 She'd give me a little Christmas candy. 0.72

02:17:18.440 Even if it was out of season, she'd have a little cup of Christmas candy.

02:17:21.040 And he just wanted you to walk down just to see what it was like?

02:17:22.940 Just to get off his nerves for about 30 seconds.

02:17:24.680 Oh, just go walk around for a bit.

02:17:26.160 Yeah, go walk down the bar, he'd say.

02:17:27.780 Wow.

02:17:27.820 Because it's harder to get down the bar.

02:17:28.920 If you walk down the floor, it's wide open.

02:17:30.740 But the bar, there's deviants. 1.00

02:17:32.380 You got a damn fucking pedophile. 1.00

02:17:34.060 You got a couple fist fighting there. 1.00

02:17:36.500 You know, you got a guy picking his nails, you know, and giving it to you or whatever.

02:17:40.720 You know, you got a lot of...

02:17:42.100 Man, you have a great memory.

02:17:43.320 You got people to meet along the way.

02:17:44.780 So you paint pictures with your brain.

02:17:46.920 Sometimes, man.

02:17:47.080 Because I'm imagining this bar now.

02:17:49.080 Oh, yeah.

02:17:49.300 And imagining 10-year-old Theo.

02:17:51.120 Tony Padone's, it was called.

02:17:52.940 Tony Padone's.

02:17:53.560 And then my dad was like, we're going to ride.

02:17:54.840 We're going to, all right, we're going to head home.

02:17:55.960 And we'd sit in the car, like, we're going to leave in just a minute. 1.00

02:17:58.200 And then he'd fucking fall asleep. 1.00

02:17:59.960 And I'd just be fucking sitting there in the fucking car. 1.00

02:18:01.800 And waiting for him to wake up. 0.99

02:18:03.800 Oh, my dad would, when I was in junior, I was the last kid there.

02:18:06.520 He'd give me an enema kit because he was too embarrassed to go buy one.

02:18:10.040 Oh.

02:18:10.700 Oh, Jesus Christ, Dane.

02:18:12.380 This is my best.

02:18:13.640 This is how we talk.

02:18:14.480 Oh, could you give me one of these?

02:18:16.220 And it's something funny.

02:18:17.220 Because I was buying the enema kit for him, no embarrassment.

02:18:20.860 Yeah.

02:18:21.420 Even though they might be going, what?

02:18:23.300 You're that constipated?

02:18:24.640 You're 18?

02:18:25.260 You weigh 110 pounds?

02:18:26.600 Jesus, kid.

02:18:27.660 But I know, okay, just give me the enema kit.

02:18:30.260 Jesus Christ.

02:18:31.680 But he did take us to the Kit Kat Club in Idaho Falls.

02:18:35.880 Oh, that's nice.

02:18:36.300 And it was illicit.

02:18:37.520 It was dark and kind of nasty.

02:18:39.680 Your father took you in there?

02:18:40.580 He took us in there.

02:18:41.640 The drink to get you a drink?

02:18:43.140 No, we were just driving up to Montana.

02:18:45.340 My sister went with my mother on a plane.

02:18:49.160 And so we drove up.

02:18:50.100 But just the bar scene as a young, the darkness of it.

02:18:53.640 Because when I worked at Holiday Inn as a busboy or a waiter, I'd go into the bar to get drinks in the afternoon.

02:18:59.660 And then there'd be like a parent of one of my friends would be in there just getting blasted.

02:19:04.980 He'd see me and he'd kind of look down.

02:19:07.620 And then I did room service.

02:19:08.940 I waited on Michael Jackson.

02:19:10.300 I waited on Little Richard.

02:19:11.540 He was naked.

02:19:12.420 I waited on...

02:19:12.740 Little Richard was?

02:19:13.740 And did he see Homer Erotic?

02:19:14.240 He answered the door naked.

02:19:15.240 And he was Homer Erotic?

02:19:15.860 Well, there was a man in the bed with sheets over.

02:19:18.060 And he answered the door naked. 0.98

02:19:19.320 That seems pretty gay, I think. 0.99

02:19:20.640 I think it's gay. 1.00

02:19:21.520 And he goes, have you been to the show? 0.93

02:19:22.940 Because he was playing the Circle Star Theater.

02:19:24.040 And you were a child.

02:19:24.920 I was 18, 19.

02:19:26.680 You've been to the show?

02:19:27.320 And I waited on Richard Pryor, waited on Carlin, waited on Rich Little, stuff like that.

02:19:36.400 And those are whole other stories.

02:19:37.880 But anyway, so Theo...

02:19:41.040 I think we're okay, man.

02:19:42.180 I think we got enough.

02:19:43.480 We spent a lot of time together, man.

02:19:45.420 Well, it just flowed really nice because I do this now.

02:19:48.900 Yeah, I know you do this now for a job.

02:19:50.300 This was really fun and easy.

02:19:52.280 I enjoyed it a lot.

02:19:53.340 Yeah, me too, man.

02:19:54.040 I really did.

02:19:54.620 I mean, I kind of broke a sweat a little bit.

02:19:56.980 But I think I'm okay.

02:19:58.420 I think it counts as a workout.

02:19:59.200 No, I'm not good.

02:20:00.320 Well, just, you get a, you know, you just sort of get...

02:20:02.840 It's exciting just sharing these stories and the way we were bouncing off each other.

02:20:07.220 Because your stuff just keep...

02:20:08.260 It was inspiring me.

02:20:09.280 Oh, thanks, man.

02:20:09.640 Because I'm like, the new car, the brother, the thing, the guy with one toe or whatever.

02:20:13.380 It's like, oh, man, okay.

02:20:15.140 We had something kind of like that, too.

02:20:17.320 Yeah.

02:20:17.500 So we were kind of hillbillies from the middle class white suburbs, basically, up there in the Bay, San Francisco Bay Area.

02:20:25.380 Yeah, but I think it's interesting.

02:20:27.080 I think there's just so many commonalities.

02:20:28.900 But I love remembering things from the past.

02:20:31.240 I think it's pretty fascinating.

02:20:32.360 I love imagination.

02:20:34.040 And yeah, I think stuff like this is good.

02:20:35.640 Stuff like...

02:20:36.980 The Weird Place.

02:20:37.340 The Weird Place is great for people.

02:20:38.980 Because, yeah, it'll help just to get you to go.

02:20:41.140 Especially moms knowing or dads knowing that they could listen to it with their kids.

02:20:44.140 See, hey, what do your kids think?

02:20:45.400 Throw it on, you know?

02:20:46.240 Oh, yeah.

02:20:46.640 And we have some emotionality, like I said, in it.

02:20:50.400 Nothing heavy-handed, but there's some sweetness to it and earnestness to it.

02:20:54.920 And we were thinking of this before, Ted Lasso, which I think that struck a nerve, too.

02:20:59.900 We love the dark stuff, but there's something about earnestness and sincerity.

02:21:06.240 And we loved going back into that 60s vibe.

02:21:09.420 And they're all evergreen.

02:21:10.780 They could play a thousand years from now if there'll still be submarines.

02:21:14.480 And so we just love it and just feel very lucky.

02:21:18.920 Was there ever a chance, like, looking back on some of your, like, prime days when you

02:21:21.820 were working on SNL and you got to work with so many unique people?

02:21:25.420 Yeah.

02:21:25.580 And in a time when they let characters really develop and have a voice.

02:21:28.960 Yeah, and reoccur and you had your catchphrase.

02:21:31.120 God.

02:21:31.300 Yeah.

02:21:31.700 It was so much fun.

02:21:34.380 Was there ever a chance you guys would try to get back to...

02:21:36.660 I've always wondered why didn't, like, five or six of the guys say, hey, let's do this

02:21:42.320 again.

02:21:42.540 Let's just make our own thing and do it.

02:21:45.280 It's, you know...

02:21:46.640 And that's an outsider's perspective.

02:21:48.640 No, I know.

02:21:49.360 And you always think, oh...

02:21:51.000 But then you're kind of like, how do you get back to sketch, you know?

02:21:54.560 Me doing these voices and improvising these rhythms was exercising that same idea.

02:22:00.660 And there's a freedom without an audience, you know?

02:22:03.220 You don't want to be indulgent, but you can also step outside yourself.

02:22:06.540 But yeah, it's a magic thing.

02:22:08.980 That's why Spade and I's podcast is popular.

02:22:11.180 It's a reality show.

02:22:12.280 The people will laugh and will have a good time, but there's an emotional underpinning to

02:22:17.600 that shared story of getting this incredible lucky break.

02:22:22.040 You're with your friends, or I call them your bandmates.

02:22:24.500 You're all getting a little money.

02:22:26.300 You're getting a little famous, and you're all doing it together.

02:22:28.600 And you're live in Rockefeller Center, way up in the sky in the middle of the night.

02:22:33.540 And there's horses and dwarfs on the show, and people are juggling, and you're falling down, 0.97

02:22:39.320 and all kinds of shit going on. 0.94

02:22:41.240 And so it's something that's a fever dream, kind of, in a way. 0.99

02:22:45.340 Yeah.

02:22:45.560 But getting back to it is very tough.

02:22:48.780 There's other ways to do it, you know?

02:22:51.700 I think I had a podcast a while back where I was doing long-form riffs.

02:22:55.300 It was called Fantastic.

02:22:56.420 It's still out there.

02:22:57.540 Where I would just take Flight of Fancies and go for 10 minutes.

02:23:00.500 Because that's what I would do backstage.

02:23:02.080 Kevin and I would do Hans and Franz for like an hour. 1.00

02:23:05.100 Yeah, you're a loser. 0.99

02:23:06.240 We would just cock in that voice for an hour. 1.00

02:23:08.200 Until you found good moments? 0.97

02:23:09.380 Yeah.

02:23:09.740 And then we'd have to repeat it on.

02:23:11.200 But our best moments, we would just fall and giggling and, you know, just by, you know.

02:23:16.220 The moment.

02:23:16.940 You can't.

02:23:17.360 That moment.

02:23:17.880 It's so nice.

02:23:18.460 When Kevin said, and if you don't think we're properly pumped up men, you know, the defensiveness

02:23:22.220 of Hans and Franz, we could very easily come to your house, stretch the flab of your

02:23:26.960 back into the shape of a rope ladder so you could crawl down into the sewer. 0.99

02:23:31.480 Because that's where losers live. 0.98

02:23:33.460 To me, it's poetry. 0.97

02:23:34.540 It may be my favorite rhythms.

02:23:36.040 And the guys who never lift anything, they're terribly wounded, terribly insecure. 1.00

02:23:41.260 They have this stupid show and they're just trying to get back at imaginary enemies. 1.00

02:23:45.820 They think the audience doesn't think they're macho. 1.00

02:23:48.080 Yeah. 0.99

02:23:48.520 And I could very easily, you're lucky, your buttocks are like marshmallows. 1.00

02:23:52.580 You're lucky I don't have a campfire here. 0.98

02:23:55.060 Don't undo your belt.

02:23:56.360 You might cause a flabber lunge.

02:23:58.720 You tell your muscles are so flabby.

02:24:00.560 I like to shape them in a bow and put them under the, put you under a Christmas tree.

02:24:04.620 You know, it just gets into madness.

02:24:06.100 So, Kevin and I love that.

02:24:07.820 I was sort of, would have been happy if that movie had come to fruition.

02:24:11.500 Very funny movie.

02:24:12.700 Conan O'Brien, Robert Smigel, me and Nealon wrote it together.

02:24:15.900 Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma.

02:24:18.580 So, but anyway, life's good, you know.

02:24:21.660 Life's good, man.

02:24:22.280 You're staying creative.

02:24:23.340 You're getting into, you're getting to have a family and be a real human in a family.

02:24:27.980 That's awesome.

02:24:29.140 Those are important things.

02:24:29.980 Yeah, yeah, my wife and I are just incredibly regular people doing, doing regular things.

02:24:35.520 There's, there's an enviable thing when I see people who can really take joy and doing regular things.

02:24:40.940 Yeah.

02:24:41.620 Without being in their head.

02:24:42.780 Just going to a matinee, watching a movie.

02:24:44.980 I'm having popcorn.

02:24:46.620 Man, this is great.

02:24:47.800 I'm putting, I'm putting some raisinettes in the popcorn.

02:24:50.740 You are?

02:24:51.380 I'd say to Scott, what are you going to get?

02:24:53.060 My brother's got movies here.

02:24:54.840 Everything.

02:24:56.180 And we were big into movies.

02:24:58.060 We liked the movie.

02:24:58.620 We would see it five times.

02:24:59.660 Oh, dude, I remember going to Pink Cadillac.

02:25:01.760 It was, it was playing somewhere in my grandmother's town and I went over there.

02:25:06.200 What year was that?

02:25:07.160 I don't know. 0.99

02:25:08.000 Damn, I don't know. 0.99

02:25:09.200 Saw it over and over again. 0.99

02:25:10.620 Yeah. 0.99

02:25:10.840 Oh, I just remember eating so much fucking candy, vomiting in the bathroom and going back 0.99

02:25:15.100 and watching more. 0.99

02:25:17.580 We go to matinees, but you would go at 12 and come out at five.

02:25:21.220 Oh yeah. 0.99

02:25:21.660 And you're crazy coming out in the light. 0.80

02:25:23.200 It was so light again outside.

02:25:24.760 Yeah.

02:25:25.000 And you're in there watching Audie Murphy Westerns back to back. 1.00

02:25:27.780 You might get a sucker and nurse that, or if you're a big hunk, you'd just suck on that. 1.00

02:25:32.580 You had to last all that time. 0.99

02:25:34.400 It was like, you could bring a can of beans or 50 cents, because if they were having a Salvation

02:25:38.600 Army thing there, bring some soup and get in for a five hour matinee. 0.51

02:25:42.920 Even though we're a generation apart, there's so many things we have in common.

02:25:47.700 Things aren't that far off.

02:25:48.840 It's just, you know, maybe we were the original hillbillies of San Carlos, parents from Montana,

02:25:55.720 you know?

02:25:56.480 Gristle and Dale Baked Goods, and everyone loved to come to our house. 0.95

02:26:00.080 Cock and balls, babe. 0.99

02:26:01.900 I'm cock. 1.00

02:26:02.600 I'm cock. 1.00

02:26:03.740 I'm only cock. 1.00

02:26:04.720 He's only balls. 1.00

02:26:05.780 When you put us together, you got cock and balls. 1.00

02:26:08.860 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:09.540 All right.

02:26:10.160 We should mic drop it on that. 0.83

02:26:11.720 Yeah, we'll do it there.

02:26:12.840 Dana Carvey, thanks for your time.

02:26:13.980 Thanks, Theo.

02:26:14.680 Loved it.

02:26:15.240 Enjoyed it.

02:26:15.740 Peace out.

02:26:17.540 Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

02:26:23.240 I must be cornerstone.

02:26:28.360 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

02:26:33.960 I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take...

02:26:40.740 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll

02:26:47.540 be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to

02:26:52.240 pleasure your partner.

02:26:53.800 The answer may shock you.

02:26:55.520 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

02:26:57.580 Sometimes I won't.

02:26:59.280 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

02:27:02.200 You have three new voice messages.

02:27:04.800 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

02:27:08.120 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

02:27:10.800 Longer than anybody else.

02:27:12.460 So great.

02:27:13.820 Hi.

02:27:14.420 Swee-ah. 0.97

02:27:15.440 Easy, Theo. 1.00

02:27:16.720 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

02:27:20.720 Jermaine. 1.00

02:27:22.000 Ho-ho! 1.00

02:27:22.760 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

02:27:25.780 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

02:27:27.860 Ho-ho-ho! 1.00

02:27:29.140 No!

02:27:29.500 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

02:27:32.600 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

02:27:36.780 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

02:27:41.000 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,

02:27:46.120 yeah?

02:27:46.760 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - November 15, 2022

E417 Dana Carvey

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