E417 Dana Carvey
Episode Stats
Length
2 hours and 27 minutes
Words per Minute
204.63278
Summary
Comedian Dana Carvey joins Jemele to discuss his new podcast, Fly on the Wall with David Spade and his new scripted podcast with his good friend and former Saturday Night Live co-star, Julian Matulich.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.
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It's never too early to start thinking about gifts.
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Some new colorways in the Be Good to Yourself collection.
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We've also got T-shirts in lilac, moss, and blue mist.
00:01:38.300
I will be coming with the Return of the Rat Tour.
00:02:15.740
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You can get any ticket through TheoVon.com slash T-O-U-R.
00:02:37.000
Just make sure you go through there to get accurately priced seats.
00:02:44.320
Today's guest, I mean, he's got more voices in him than a dang schizophrenic.
00:02:49.280
You know, he's a real, you know, he just, his impersonations and his ability to imagine and create at the same time.
00:03:04.240
And we've seen it through his work on Saturday Night Live, his countless films, Wayne's World, his new podcast, Fly on the Wall with David Spade, and his new scripted podcast with Dex Carvey and Julian Matulich.
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We're going to learn a little bit about that today.
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I'm grateful to get to spend time with him, Mr. Dana Carvey.
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Well, the worst thing you can do is say to yourself,
00:04:08.580
And all you have to do is concentrate on turning yourself on.
00:04:23.320
Yeah, I think I, I like, yeah, I mean, I've had probably libido issues since I was probably, I would bet eight or nine months old.
00:04:32.960
Well, you don't have a libido until you go through puberty, really.
00:04:38.120
I mean, who has a libido when they're in diapers?
00:04:45.980
I have to look at some pictures and see what, you know, see what was going on back then.
00:04:49.480
But, yeah, I felt like, I don't know when that libido starts cranking up.
00:04:55.160
Well, it's normally, I'll just play doctor, when puberty happens is when libido kicks up.
00:05:06.100
This guy had, he was an Elvis impersonator, right?
00:05:08.180
And he had a party for his child whenever he went through puberty, I remember.
00:05:12.620
Well, that's kind of like a bar mitzvah, kind of, right?
00:05:16.160
I'd never, I'd never been to anything like that.
00:05:17.840
I think it was like some part of, I don't know if it was like a church program or whatever, but, yeah, this fella got all pubescent or whatever.
00:05:24.140
And so, they invited everybody over there for cake or whatever.
00:05:27.700
When I turned 13, my dad headbutt me and I saw stars.
00:05:39.160
I tell everybody, Mike Myers always said the one movie had was a headbutt.
00:05:45.060
If you know there's going to be a fight, like, what's up?
00:06:13.660
Well, this is for Arctic weather, but I just want to keep the blue around me because it's
00:06:24.500
Some days you crack up, you wake up, and you're like, okay, today's going to be an okay
00:06:30.080
Well, if I go back, I still think that a man, Lorne Michael said once, there's something
00:06:35.520
about a man in his 40s and a woman in their 20s.
00:06:41.560
So you're just coming into your peak sex symbol.
00:06:58.940
I had this guy my age doing my hair on some kind of movie.
00:07:20.420
If you didn't age or get older, then we'd be in some kind of hellish environment.
00:07:33.860
I mean, you would definitely probably call in, you know, you'd show up late to work more,
00:07:41.820
Well, you know, I've always wanted to play the saxophone because my parents, I got picked
00:07:46.880
to play the saxophone in fifth grade, but it was $7 a month.
00:07:57.880
And at one point, I think my mom said, you know, we can't afford the saxophone.
00:08:02.480
So if I lived a million years, I would spend at least 10,000 years practicing the saxophone.
00:08:11.280
You'd be able to play for the king or whatever.
00:08:13.040
No, I don't think that's my skill set, but I like to bang on things and strum things.
00:08:20.620
Was there something you got kind of early that they gave you?
00:08:22.840
Usually a parent will give a child something, give them a horn, give them a little, you know,
00:08:27.720
sometimes you see parents give them a Moroccan or whatever.
00:08:31.540
But first, my brother and I saw the Beach Boys.
00:08:43.980
And I would kick the clothes hamper for my kick drum.
00:08:50.200
And the two drumsticks we stole from Mickey Hart of The Grateful Dead, his store, in the 1960s,
00:09:01.960
He goes, did you own a music store on Laurel Avenue in San Carlos?
00:09:09.640
And then I got a big bash snare drum in sixth grade.
00:09:14.100
But I had a muscly cousin who came down and just killed it in a day.
00:09:19.440
He just was angry that you were going to try to learn it?
00:09:26.820
Every time he'd visit him, he'd crouch like he was going to wrestle you.
00:09:40.320
This is what I say, the big three from five to 12.
00:09:48.380
And then a bike where you felt like an adventure.
00:09:53.740
Yeah, I think the bike was, it had those spoke things, those little thinks, those little
00:10:00.180
Whenever the wheel turned, like the little thing would slide down, the little, it had
00:10:03.340
like a little, a little, you know, a thing that they used to count if you can't count
00:10:12.240
Something like a little, like these little, can you pull it up, Zach?
00:10:18.540
Because we would do a clothespin and playing cards to get the motor sound.
00:10:24.140
Yeah, they, yeah, we got up, sold some garbage, a little deal, but it would tink.
00:10:27.740
And then this hot girl sometimes would ride on it with me, you know, or not that hot,
00:10:31.680
but like, you know, she like lived near me, which was hot back then, you know?
00:10:35.940
Dude, if a girl lived far and if you could throw something and hit a girl, damn, she
00:10:44.680
Did you ever drop your pencil so you had to pick it up and then you'd look behind you
00:10:55.200
No, drop it so you have an excuse to reach down and look back where the girl you liked
00:11:06.600
But I was erect probably from, yeah, I can't even imagine.
00:11:09.680
And I think from probably fifth grade to probably 31.
00:11:14.120
Did you ever have in grade school, like, okay, and you're just full bloom, you're just fantasizing,
00:11:20.400
you're in a zone, you're not paying attention, and they go, Theo, come to the chalkboard.
00:11:30.620
I would joust the other guy passing me in the aisle.
00:11:38.060
Oh, it was a bunch of, like, those tarpons passing each other in the water in middle school, in junior high.
00:11:46.580
I feel like you just didn't want to get snagged on somebody's frickin' pants snout when you're walking down the hall.
00:11:52.240
I remember sometimes I would have my strap hanging off my back and we'd get hooked on somebody else's penis.
00:11:56.840
You know, because in junior high, every kid is just so damn erect, bro.
00:12:05.120
You get that front rudder on you and you can't handle it as a child.
00:12:08.060
But I remember this hot girl got her toe caught in my bike.
00:12:13.780
I don't know if it was an emergency room or just...
00:12:15.980
Just somebody close by that had damn thread on them, you know, when we took her over there.
00:12:29.420
And so, I remember she got, man, she got pretty mangled up.
00:12:35.440
But she had a limp after that and I would limp with her because she was always trying to run away from me.
00:12:39.540
So, after that, it was kind of good because it kind of, you know, gave me a chance to talk to her.
00:12:42.820
So, she's out in some open field in Louisiana and she's got this hickety step because of a broken leg and you're kind of chasing her and she's trying to get away?
00:12:52.340
Originally, she'd keep away from me, but once she got her toe...
00:12:55.060
She rode on my bike one time, she got her toe caught in the spokes.
00:13:04.560
Well, my brother lost his front teeth two different ways in fifth grade, I think.
00:13:17.620
Then he's doing dunking yo-yos and he's going loop-de-loop.
00:13:29.020
I once shoplifted six of those at a Woolworths.
00:13:32.220
I would go to kids on the street and go, you want a yo-yo?
00:13:53.400
No, my name was Brett on the birth certificate.
00:13:56.440
My grandmother, because I had three older brothers, we were all stacked tight, five kids in ten years.
00:14:02.420
And my grandmother said, they're going to call him Brett the Brat.
00:14:05.560
So I think Dana Andrews was a movie star at the time.
00:14:14.140
Like the thing would come, reports of the girls' physical education class.
00:14:21.160
But Dana's a switch hitter, like Chris or Robin.
00:14:27.560
I was thinking, yeah, could it be short for something maybe.
00:14:34.120
They call me Dane the Brain, because two of my brothers were dyslexic.
00:14:41.460
So I got a few B's, and then my nickname was Dane the Brain.
00:14:46.180
If you're even smarter than your brother, you get classified as the Brain, even if all
00:14:53.020
Just in any family, you know, like, this is our smart kid.
00:14:56.380
Well, it was bad for dyslexic kids in those days, because they just put you in the yellow
00:15:08.020
And then they would send us to the speed reading, kind of clockwork orange van, and they
00:15:12.540
would do the words like that, reading a thousand words a minute.
00:15:15.220
So that was, you know, it was a weird childhood.
00:15:18.260
But my brothers were, we were all shoppers, shoplifters and smokers.
00:15:23.860
We would steal my mom's Kent cigarettes and just wail on those.
00:15:28.080
Then we would eat ice plants so no one would smell it on our breath.
00:15:31.500
And one day we went to the mall and we, three of us, me and my two older brothers, we parked
00:15:36.000
our bikes, said, shit, someone's going to steal them.
00:15:38.400
We went into a hardware store, stole locks, locked up our bikes, went back in, shoplifted,
00:15:46.960
My brother, Brad, who I based Garth on, a science brother, he added it all up and he
00:15:51.120
goes, that's $14 and about 92 cents of stuff in those days.
00:15:57.360
So that, so there we said $14.92, it's like Columbus.
00:16:00.820
So when you were shoplifting with your brother, you'd go, are you sailing the blue?
00:16:08.740
And my brother Brad eventually would steal for the sport of it.
00:16:13.760
Like he'd go and get a whole LP album under his shirt.
00:16:31.340
No, just for sport, just for, but he was a brilliant kid.
00:16:34.940
I mean, we would go to Battle Creek, Michigan to get something from Kellogg's, you know,
00:16:40.620
So you'd, you'd, you'd have to put a quarter in the envelope and he would just, he tore
00:16:45.540
a little part of the envelope open to see if they go, oh, poor kid.
00:16:52.360
Or if we wanted to buy candy at the mercantile, when we went to the lake, he would have a,
00:16:58.040
he would sort of take a piece of metal and make a slug out of it and put a quarter on
00:17:08.100
It sounds like he's very, I have that Ocean's 11 in him, you know, like he's got that.
00:17:12.480
And did he end up getting in any, any real crime?
00:17:16.560
No, he just, he became, he became a brilliant engineer.
00:17:19.060
He invented the first sort of, sort of, uh, online or sorry, computer video home thing.
00:17:25.340
It was called the video toaster with Tim Jennison in the nineties.
00:17:29.120
And he was a kid who, um, had D cell batteries.
00:17:32.940
I found a frog one day and I gave it, I thought it was dead, you know, and he kind of hooked
00:17:38.140
it up and it was sort of vibrating because he had these two D cells and he sort of wired
00:17:43.140
And I thought it was kind of, I was opening and, uh, I said, Brad, the eyes open it.
00:17:53.240
That was, uh, but Scott and I, so he was the one, the bunk bed one.
00:17:58.560
And we were, we, y'all shared or y'all had a room with how many bunk beds in it?
00:18:02.140
The downstairs brothers that were weird, even to this day, they had a bunk bed downstairs.
00:18:06.960
Mark, two brothers, two brothers and me and Scott up there, Mark and Brad and Mark would
00:18:17.020
So it'd be like this plastic sheet and a little mechanical thing to wake him up when
00:18:23.440
So he started to wet one night, but he wet so much.
00:18:25.760
He killed the machine and that would rain down on Brad because he was the lower bunk, but
00:18:32.140
But, and then Scott and I, we were upstairs and, uh, he would sleep with the covers over,
00:18:37.040
but we was a rough and tumble second day baked goods.
00:18:40.820
You know, you go to the, my mom would go to the bakery one day old, too, too expensive,
00:18:50.600
My dad would buy a side of cheap, cheap beef and he would put it in this freezer and then
00:18:59.740
He goes, Oh Jesus Christ, the best part's a gristle.
00:19:05.160
So I had a blocked artery by the time I was your age.
00:19:14.120
I think like there was so much more mystery and stuff.
00:19:18.300
It seems like when you look at like your childhood, right?
00:19:38.620
So a lot of, you know, I think masculinity begats masculinity.
00:19:43.560
No, I'm just saying it's almost like a damn gay nightclub at this point.
00:19:51.440
Well, I mean, you're going to have a lot of men over there, you know?
00:19:54.320
I'm just saying Jeffrey Dahmer would buy y'all a couple of sandwiches.
00:20:04.120
And then he'd go, oh, Jesus Christ, time for the whiskers.
00:20:09.820
And he would get on top of you and he'd go, whiskers.
00:20:12.180
And he would just rub his face on your face like, ah, ah.
00:20:16.420
And then he'd have me, oh, Jesus Christ, fight him.
00:20:18.920
So I had to fight my brother Scott, who seemed like a giant compared to me.
00:20:29.680
So that was, these are, these are good times, Theo.
00:20:33.540
But I know, I had a Disney face when I was your age.
00:20:38.100
So people always used to think, what a, what a mellow, easy, happy life you've had.
00:20:42.720
But it was, it was good that we had each other.
00:20:45.400
It sounds like, it sounds like y'all were really close, huh?
00:20:57.060
It sounds like you look back on, because you have so many like memories.
00:20:59.840
I love, I'm like kind of fascinated by nostalgia and stuff.
00:21:02.780
So I think I think about those times a lot, you know?
00:21:06.240
Well, I think that those years you can't ever get back.
00:21:11.100
The thing that we were able to do is we were so independent.
00:21:17.700
Sometimes you pick it up and the neighbors are using it.
00:21:23.340
And my dad would go to Montana with his friends a lot.
00:21:35.880
They got me the Sears Offloader, whatever it was.
00:21:41.820
The Step Kid or whatever the bike was even called, I think.
00:21:50.860
And we just, you know, I played flag football in fifth grade.
00:22:10.360
But before that, you're taking in so much information, you know.
00:22:23.620
I think I just grew up like real sensitive, like super sensitive, real scared.
00:22:33.000
Yeah, it's a lot of time alone, a lot of time with strange babysitters, you know.
00:22:36.860
We had a babysitter that got a roach in her ear one night.
00:22:39.980
And she kept like yelling at us that she had a roach in her ear.
00:22:45.380
I don't know if she spoke Spanish or just something was like wrong with her or something.
00:22:48.340
Or she didn't, maybe she didn't speak real well or something.
00:23:05.760
But that babysitter, like I'm five and I got, she's putting back teen and a Band-Aid on my knee.
00:23:12.440
And I'm five and I'm remembering her years later, like she was a fairy princess, like gorgeous.
00:23:18.780
So I said to my brothers at the time, Mark was like 12.
00:23:22.420
And he goes, oh yes, she was just a complete knockout.
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00:25:26.940
But ours was, yeah, this one lady, she was either Spanish or...
00:25:35.680
But there was something unique about her to us, you know?
00:25:39.420
And she got a roach in her ear and she was trying to tell us.
00:25:45.720
And she's, like, yelling in Spanish about a roach...
00:26:01.900
And then she ended up having to go to the hospital, and she did.
00:26:06.100
God, that's funny, because that's such a great word for that accent.
00:26:08.640
Because I remember Al Pacino doing a Cuban accent.
00:27:00.660
He was jealous that you were kind of, like, funny and fun?
00:27:08.600
He's like, oh, you know, our tool drawer was really sucked.
00:27:13.880
So, Brad would take a butter knife and fix the dryer.
00:27:16.660
And my dad would stand over him and then try to take credit for it.
00:27:20.400
He was just insecure about not being able to do that.
00:27:22.980
And then, for me, it's because my mom called me precious.
00:27:41.440
And my dad was born in 1910, so he was an old man, right?
00:27:46.080
So, by the time you were, like, 8 or 10, he was almost 80 then.
00:27:57.100
Like, a lot of my memories are my mom waking him up
00:28:01.960
Or he'd be sitting somewhere and he would just kind of doze off.
00:28:04.880
You know, he liked to let me sometimes, like, rub on his shoulders a little bit.
00:28:14.740
He let me, like, drive his car whenever I could, like, was tall enough to drive.
00:28:23.480
So, it was kind of like this trade-off a little.
00:28:29.420
I mean, between him and your mom, I mean, who...
00:28:32.860
Was there anyone who was the clear-cut favorite?
00:28:39.420
Because all of a sudden, you'd come home and he has a new guitar.
00:28:41.660
You're like, it's not even Christmas or his birthday.
00:28:46.520
But I was not envious of it to be Bud's favorite.
00:29:15.020
So we had some type of Spanish flair or something, you know?
00:29:31.140
I used to think you must have been such a cool kid because you have such a curious brain.
00:29:39.460
My mom was busy working, so we had these strange people that'd be over there, you know,
00:29:44.380
And we'd make up stories and tell them stuff, you know?
00:29:46.900
And a lot of them, we'd have, like, it was the first...
00:29:49.700
We'd have, like, this big black lady that would take care of us or a very old woman that
00:29:54.840
And just, like, we had the Spanish lady with the roach in her, you know?
00:29:59.900
So there was just, like, I think we didn't really know who was going to be there.
00:30:05.540
And I remember she took me to summer camp or day camp at the YMCA.
00:30:08.960
And she drove this orange car, I don't remember.
00:30:14.940
I don't think I'd ever heard music until there was, like, a hot woman present.
00:30:25.000
And, like, just, like, her, like, interacting with me or engaging with me was, like, the most
00:30:30.520
And then, yeah, and she was not even cute, I don't think.
00:30:34.800
But I thought she was, like, just the hottest thing ever, you know?
00:30:46.760
I think a lot of dudes would have been like, whoa, you know?
00:30:49.900
She's not my first choice of a woman, you know?
00:31:03.840
And you do a makeout session, you know, in the dark.
00:31:23.500
The hardest part ever was, I think, trying to touch a breast or something.
00:31:26.940
And at the movies, a lot of guys, there'd be big guys, be like, touch it.
00:31:31.440
And they'd threaten you if you didn't do it, you know?
00:31:34.240
So then you're, like, working off of a clock, kind of as, like, a shot clock.
00:32:05.280
I don't know where my drive comes from a little bit, but I hate to lose.
00:32:12.640
But I mostly want to be nice and friendly and stuff.
00:32:32.700
We ended up laughing our ass off about your comedy team.
00:32:40.060
You know, your movie idea that they try to go to Vegas and they come, like, thunder down under.
00:33:37.220
And we were playing these sheds in the round in the Northeast.
00:33:52.180
Eventually, he just had shorts on and a skateboard.
00:34:21.200
He can take a story of just that the hamburger was overcooked.
00:34:29.520
I mean, he'll create a complete sketch in five seconds.
00:34:37.580
And you've got to go back and rewind it almost.
00:34:42.560
It's like he's not out there barking about his wares.
00:34:46.260
It's just like, hey, come see what I made here.
00:34:47.920
He's got these little physical moves that represent another person.
00:35:04.240
Then the rotary dial went out and I lost my closer.
00:35:15.500
Do you find this, Dana, that I get scared that I don't know what the next generation of humor is?
00:35:21.100
Because it's almost impossible to really know it because you have to live.
00:35:29.700
I mean, obviously, I don't generally now go East.
00:35:33.800
You know, I don't do Indian accents or Japanese accents.
00:35:41.620
And I had a bit about them and I just sort of dropped it.
00:35:50.820
You know, that if the intent is to hurt is different than just an observation.
00:35:56.540
You know, I just was talking about where maybe the dialect of a Japanese accent came from.
00:36:08.820
And I figured it's because of all the Ring of Fire, all the earthquakes.
00:36:21.580
So I don't know if you'll have to edit that out, but I just thought it was funny.
00:36:31.720
All humans, all humanoids were just grunting all over the world, pointing and grunting.
00:36:41.560
You know, and I think the Indian was more copacetic on the trade routes.
00:36:56.100
Like, I will not hurt you, but you will not hurt me.
00:36:59.640
So I don't know if you have to cut this part out.
00:37:04.280
When I remember the first time we met a Japanese guy,
00:37:07.400
we would just make some sounds and see if it was something in Japanese, you know?
00:37:23.340
It's crazy to think that somebody has a whole different, like, Bible of what is sounds and
00:37:33.400
That's all, you know, they, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
00:37:46.140
Well, it makes me think, too, what their thoughts and insides are like, you know?
00:37:49.320
And what some of the mechanics are like inside of it, you know?
00:37:53.720
And where does it come from emotionally for the male and the female dynamic?
00:37:59.260
Yeah, because, like, a lot of Asian females are very, like,
00:38:08.740
which you can sort of practice probably lowering your voice.
00:38:15.180
Like a, it's almost where a semen launches from, like right there, you know?
00:38:25.560
Yeah, and that could be a guy ordering a Pepsi.
00:38:32.080
I'm just saying, there's, I think there's a guy ordering a Pepsi.
00:38:38.940
And they don't have a lot of orgasms also in Japan.
00:38:45.600
I mean, we're skeeting up the landscape, you know?
00:38:53.440
We climax more than Japanese people or Asian people or any other culture.
00:39:12.260
But with my boots and my cowboy hat, it's six feet of Springsteen coming at you.
00:39:16.180
Sure, I could have fixed my underbike, but why?
00:39:18.960
I'm worth a billion dollars and I love everybody.
00:39:26.480
I just mean, all the badass people of the world came to America.
00:39:30.800
All the aggressive people are, that's why we are so freedom heavy here.
00:39:36.040
If they told the anti-vaxxers, we're not going to admonish you, we're not going to say
00:39:40.220
you're a piece of shit and you're a murderer, but could you please get a vaccine?
00:39:45.820
But if you go, you got to get one, fuck you, man.
00:39:54.040
It should have been, instead of, you know, fuck your freedom, it should have been, you
00:39:57.180
know, if you could look at it, you know, you could maybe go to the doctor, you get a
00:40:01.320
little injection, you know, and you help all the people.
00:40:08.300
We're the people, you know, my ancestors, just somebody at some point in Ireland just said,
00:40:16.380
I don't want to stay here in the rain in the potatoes.
00:40:25.880
So somebody probably ain't fucked on a boat, I'm guessing, because I don't know how you
00:40:30.560
That's a steamroller that went through the Suez Canal and somehow connected your mom and dad.
00:40:41.560
But I think, look, man, I want to go back to this.
00:40:45.620
So you mean, we have a lot of semen or we climax a lot?
00:40:48.680
We climax a lot here, I believe, in America because we're selling it now.
00:40:52.480
There's a lot of, and I know there's Japanese porn and stuff, but in Japan, like even if
00:40:58.860
There's not as much, I don't think, promiscuous sex.
00:41:04.060
Well, look, I don't know, like for me as a kid, you'd go to the dump or go in a park.
00:41:17.380
I can't even wrap my mind around a 12-year-old online going on porn.
00:41:22.940
I don't know what toxicity or joy that represents, but the boys are falling behind the educational
00:41:31.360
So technology gave boys video games, you know, and porn, and then said, now study your algebra.
00:41:54.200
The, this is the, it's been the year of the woman for the last 30 years, which I'm okay
00:42:04.680
And so it's a great time to be a woman and I'm all for it.
00:42:08.080
It's just the boys have been, the porn and the video games are.
00:42:18.500
And I remember when we'd get a game on our birthday, usually you'd get a game and your
00:42:22.140
friend would come over to see what game it was.
00:42:26.060
And, and when porn came along, man, I remember, yeah, I would bike far for porn.
00:42:30.740
If I heard there was porn somewhere, you know, I was starved.
00:42:34.660
I was starved for like effect from like, for motherly affection.
00:42:38.620
So I think when porn came around, it really started to fulfill some of that space in my
00:42:46.340
Cause I was a therapist for a brief period of time.
00:42:52.600
So what do you mean you were starved for affection?
00:42:56.180
I think my mom didn't like look at me much, you know, she didn't.
00:43:03.400
No, I had a sister that was real sick that had a, she was born with like a rare liver
00:43:08.220
And so she is different than the rest of my siblings.
00:43:10.860
Cause she got actually like physically picked up, but my mom didn't, she doesn't know that
00:43:19.560
You know, I don't know if I got a lot of it either.
00:43:24.680
I, you know, I don't remember, you know, I love you, but she was nice.
00:43:32.800
She was as terrified of my dad as we all were, you know, but.
00:43:43.100
It was just like, you know, there's one time I got up.
00:43:47.740
I got up and, you know, I was like four or five and there was no toilet paper and I had
00:43:53.240
to, you know, and so I used the towel and I was so young.
00:44:01.600
And then I had to grab my ankles in front of everybody.
00:44:13.880
You'd get the belt and then he would snap it and you'd grab your ankles.
00:44:24.060
And then he would just start screaming, so the next day I had short-term memory issues.
00:44:31.820
I wiped my ass again with a towel in his bathroom and I put it back on the rack.
00:44:40.300
But I wanted to tell you about my toys because we didn't have, I came up during so-called
00:44:58.340
Don't you find the tactile, three-dimensional board, Stratego or Risk?
00:45:09.800
I remember my favorite time actually as a kid was when the power would go out because
00:45:16.160
It was like we had to be kind of stuck in the same room because we needed like, you know,
00:45:20.260
mom had two candles or whatever and so we'd have to go downstairs and so, and you couldn't
00:45:24.380
really fight because if you, if you fought and ran off out of the distance of the candlelight,
00:45:30.680
Everybody had to like, you kind of needed each other, you know?
00:45:34.020
So it was like, there was, I used to kind of like hope that the power would go out because
00:45:38.340
it would give me a time where, I don't know, I just really liked those moments where we all,
00:45:45.280
it was like the only time I felt like our family, there was a semblance of that we needed
00:45:51.180
I do know that the visceral feeling of like, you kind of say you're not feeling well, can't
00:45:58.940
And then you had the house to yourself all day because my mom taught preschool and you're
00:46:07.780
My sister became a preschool teacher, but being in the house by yourself and then looking out
00:46:11.320
the window at like three o'clock and seeing the kids who went to school is a little melancholy.
00:46:19.220
And it's, it's like when school was canceled, you find out that there's no school today because
00:46:23.740
of whatever reason, all those feelings, same thing with the powers out.
00:46:28.260
You know, and you know, the, all these things, again, they, they inform us.
00:46:32.680
That's what my five years of therapy was about, all those experiences and how they stay with
00:46:38.120
you, you know, and how it manifests in you now.
00:46:43.820
It was your, so did your, did you and your dad have a good relationship?
00:46:47.640
Because it sounds like, I think a lot of men from his era probably just had a tougher,
00:46:51.400
I think that it was a different thing of being a man back then.
00:46:56.240
And he was so terrified of his son not being, you know, and he was an orphan and he went
00:47:02.000
through different, you know, and then he got in the Navy in 1943 or something or the army.
00:47:09.300
Now he's, well, he was a radio operator in India, but I'm sure he had a firearm at some
00:47:16.680
And, you know, sometimes I would pick up the phone at night.
00:47:19.100
And I'd hear his birth mother saying, do you forgive me, buddy?
00:47:22.840
Because he was, nickname was Bud, forgiving him up at birth, you know?
00:47:26.980
So he had his, he was wounded and had that deep seated insecurity.
00:47:31.780
I think he had a little colorblind and a little dyslexic stuff that would have not been diagnosed.
00:47:38.460
So he had an inferiority complex, but I, you know, in the end of the day, I don't harbor
00:47:43.140
any, I mean, I'm kind of like, you know, just moving on.
00:47:46.340
You know what I mean? But, but there were times, there was a few times where I felt like
00:47:50.740
he was being intentionally cruel to me and getting off on it, you know, because when
00:47:55.980
all my brothers left, I was the last one to focus on.
00:47:59.140
And I'm with my two high school buddies, cross country runners, really close friends.
00:48:03.660
All we did was run and I was going to work this weed killer and spray it around the yard.
00:48:09.400
So he came in the garage and go, um, how do I get the top of this off, dad?
00:48:13.200
And he goes, this is with a quote, my friends never forgot it. Oh, Jesus Christ, use your
00:48:21.240
So we broke that, use your penis, you shithead. You know, it's like, okay, it's practical
00:48:25.760
advice. I am a shithead. I don't know how to do it. Can I use my penis? So I started,
00:48:30.640
no, but that, but then he kind of, it was real anger. And my friends left, it freaked
00:48:34.860
them out. And six weeks later, I got out of there. I thought, this is not good. Use your
00:48:38.420
penis, you shithead. It's a poetry to it. You know, we all laughed a lot now. I mean,
00:48:43.960
we, we laughed, even then we just have fits of laughter.
00:48:47.360
Dude, laughter was so, there used to be a value to the moment, you know? And I think
00:48:52.200
about this a lot that there used to be like, the moment was so valuable because you couldn't,
00:48:57.540
there wasn't a lot of recording of it. There wasn't, nobody had the opportunity to see it
00:49:01.300
again a million times over. It was like, this is the fricking moment. Are you going to be
00:49:06.940
here right now? And then you just go. And you know what I've observed is like,
00:49:11.220
young women are the happiest people on earth. Really?
00:49:14.640
Because I go to Griffith Park and I got my sweatshirt hood on. I'm going, I'll see groups
00:49:18.760
of high school or college girls laughing and chirping and just like, and I'm just like,
00:49:24.860
you know, it's like just giggling, just head back laughing. But we did so much of that. That's
00:49:30.340
what made me a comedian. The friends I had, there was such, they were just really funny,
00:49:34.640
had great sense of humor and we just, just started performing, just laughing, laughing,
00:49:39.240
laughing. And you know, sometimes you lose that, but it's so fun to laugh. Like on this
00:49:43.380
scripted podcast, we had a, uh, we don't have to bring it up, but no, let's bring it up. I want
00:49:48.620
to. Yes. But we, we had a credit role and Dex, my son, Dex Carvey and Julian Madelich did so many
00:49:54.660
things. It was during the pandemic. They, they wore every hat they're, they're directing, producing.
00:49:58.720
So the credit role at the end, I read it as a character, but they did so many things that it
00:50:03.740
just hit me like a ton of bricks. And it wasn't one of the hardest I've laughed in the last five
00:50:07.840
years. It was a character like this, co-directed by Julian Madelich and Dex Carvey, written by Dex
00:50:14.080
Carvey and Julian Madelich, edited by Dex Carvey. And it went on and on, but they literally had to wear
00:50:19.260
all those hats in the pandemic. We just did it at a table with a laptop, but that belly laughing
00:50:24.640
is so valuable and so charming. And you're right. Just, just going with it. We had a little
00:50:30.680
bit the other night, right before you, that last 10 minutes, I was really, cause it just getting
00:50:36.220
silly. You were in there, man. Oh, I'm cock. Yeah. What was it? Yeah. What was it? We were talking
00:50:42.660
about having like an Australian, it was like the thunder from down. Yeah. Thunder from down
00:50:47.480
under. But if you're two characters and you're the, the chief would be the guys. Yeah. You're
00:50:52.100
like, it's a 2 PM little review and you'd be in Speedos. And so you decided you spell
00:50:57.800
it differently than cock and balls, but basically, oh, I'm cock, he's balls. He's balls. Together
00:51:02.060
we're cock and balls. And then you start dancing. Yeah. Just to see Spade do that would be pretty
00:51:06.460
funny. And especially if one of them lost his cock and he is only balls, you know, and that's
00:51:11.280
why they had to do it. Wouldn't that be crazy? I'm, I'm not a cock. I'm only balls. He's
00:51:19.320
only cock. Together we're only balls and only cock. Sign on to www.onlycockonlyballs.com.
00:51:26.320
Yeah. That's anyway, I want to say cock and balls more on this podcast and there's any
00:51:31.400
other one I've ever been on. He's cock and only balls, but it's just idiots with super
00:51:36.560
cocky. That's the funny part. It's like, here we are. Here we are. Come watch us. Come
00:51:41.340
see our raw penises outside, inside. Do you think, um. I lost it in a lawnmower accident.
00:51:51.860
When I was a kid once, the guy next door was mowing the lawn and screaming and he cut off
00:51:58.620
some of his toes, right? But the ambulance got him, but the toe was out there later. Yeah.
00:52:03.600
So then my brother Brad came out and put it in formaldehyde. My mom saw it and said, we got
00:52:09.340
to get to the, you know, take him to the place. And they went into like a medical center.
00:52:14.480
We just moved to this town and she went into a psychiatrist's office and she goes, there's
00:52:18.640
a boy who's missing a toe in my car. You know, they said, it's okay, lady, just have a seat,
00:52:23.700
you know, but Brad's kept that big toe. And I remember looking at it, you know? Wow.
00:52:28.560
Yeah. This episode is brought to you by better help. I want to let you know that, um, there's
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trial. That's shipstation.com promo code T-H-E-O. So you said this would be the summer of you,
00:55:29.020
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Yeah, I remember we found two fingers in the woods one time, like a peace sign.
00:55:48.020
Yeah. And we were actually collecting cans and we found two fingers in the wood,
00:55:56.200
It was rural, but it wasn't redneck. So I never had like any redneck stuff. We just had
00:56:01.140
like a lot of poor people. Like we used to watch dogs give birth and people would bet on
00:56:05.880
how many whelping, how much dogs, how many babies were going to be in it.
00:56:12.080
We grew up like a hamster breeding area. We had a dude not far from us that used to breed
00:56:15.420
hamsters, you know, it was big in our area. We had, I used to clean out wishing wells.
00:56:21.400
Our town had like apparently the most wishing wells per capita or something.
00:56:24.460
Is that because of religiosity or just Irishness, I guess, or?
00:56:28.640
I think people just love, you know, people just love having water hidden under the land.
00:56:34.780
I'll tell you for me personally, when I had this, uh, this bypass at 42, I'm incredible
00:56:42.940
No, a double. Yeah. Well, the heart's perfect, but the artery was blocked and I had to do
00:56:47.900
a bypass and they did it. They didn't do the right artery, but they didn't harm me, but
00:56:52.300
I was fine. But my Indian cardiologist, PK Shaw did a, he went to mother Tricia's gravesite
00:56:58.280
and did a prayer for me. And then my Irish, super Irish Catholic mother-in-law born and
00:57:02.800
raised in Dublin. She did a wishing well in Dublin. And then now I'm just perfect.
00:57:07.080
I don't have a true, but you know, I like, I, I leave a space in my head for spookiness.
00:57:11.260
Oh, me too. I think it's one thing that used to really, uh, that it's one thing used to
00:57:14.980
help my imagination so much when I was young is that anything could be possible. You know,
00:57:20.220
you heard a lot more lore and stuff back then. You know, that's one thing I really miss. Like
00:57:24.460
now it's like, everything is, um, like I asked my little niece, I said, you should use your
00:57:30.160
imagination. And she goes, um, what is it? Imagination. She thought it was an app on your
00:57:34.600
phone. And I'm like, Oh my God. Like, well, not to dovetail again to this goofy, uh, uh, this
00:57:40.660
brilliant scripted podcast, but that is bringing that back for mom and dad's driving around
00:57:45.480
with their kid. They're going to just going to hear a story. So let's go into it. So
00:57:49.360
you guys started it during the pandemic, right? Yeah. Dex and Julian came to me with the idea
00:57:55.200
of my son, Tom. They all grew up with twilight zone. Cause I had the mix. I had the DVD at
00:58:00.040
my house in the nineties. So they were obsessed by it. So we want, they want to make a show
00:58:04.020
like it. And we just came to them. We needed to have rod and we knew it would be a big budget
00:58:08.380
thing. So we decided to do a scripted podcast and based on the twilight zone, but a comedy
00:58:13.020
version. And they went downtown. We went crazy. So a scripted podcast. Yeah. Comedy
00:58:17.840
podcast. Right. So it's basically where you, yeah, where you, it's where like you guys write
00:58:22.920
it out in advance, right? Well, we wait, here's what happened. We tried to do it. We wrote
00:58:28.820
it, recorded it. And it sounded like some people were on a pirate ship. We're like, wow, this
00:58:33.960
is awesome. Then we play it for people and they're just checking their phone. That's pretty
00:58:37.380
good, dude. Whatever we got. Holy fuck. This is not like old time radio. You're competing
00:58:42.520
for someone's mind where they got their phone in their hand. So then we kept redoing it,
00:58:48.360
restacking it, record it, write it, add effects, better. Rerecord it, more music, more effects.
00:58:54.540
We had access to all this lush music in the Warner Brothers library. Cause we did it with
00:58:58.760
Team Coco and they had a deal with Warner Brothers. Big orchestral score. So you want to make it
00:59:03.580
filmic and ear candy and intensity. And then we go, but people get lost. They're, they're
00:59:09.760
listening to it in traffic. Someone cuts them off. Fuck you. And then they lose the thread
00:59:12.800
of the story. So we go clarity is king. So we had to put more exposition in a funny way.
00:59:16.940
So the narrator rots. So we loaded clarity. We loaded ear candy effects. We made it potent,
00:59:22.140
potent, potent to the point where then we loved it, but it took like a year in a room. And these guys,
00:59:26.920
Dex and Julian just became this two man band because it's pandemic time. So they literally,
00:59:32.600
they, they looked at it with a thousand songs. I don't know.
00:59:35.960
We got Dex. Dex is here. He's sitting in the...
00:59:41.180
Let's ask him. And this is your son. This is your human son.
00:59:46.060
Dex Carvey and Julian Madelich. This is the two man team that went crazy in a good way,
00:59:53.980
It was such a blast. It was such a good learning experience because you could listen back to
00:59:58.700
something. If it didn't work, you can just do it right over immediately.
01:00:02.620
Did it feel weird like using like, cause your father obviously is a talented instrument that
01:00:07.140
a lot of the world has used to have humor and to feel joy and, and to feel different things.
01:00:12.980
Did it ever feel weird as his son? Like, is there like a strangeness there? Like request, you know,
01:00:19.820
trying to like, does that ever feel uncomfortable? I didn't have a real relationship with my father,
01:00:23.600
so I don't, you know, it's tough for me to gauge any of that, but I'm just curious about it.
01:00:26.820
Oh, I think it could be super uncomfortable just because generally shows where it's a famous
01:00:30.720
dad and his kids, uh, really suck. They generally suck. That's just common knowledge.
01:00:36.680
Here come the kids, right? Yeah. Yeah. Here comes Ronnie Tarantino. Let's see what he's got
01:00:42.480
going on. Maybe you could stand up with that. I don't know. There you go. Yeah. And if we can't
01:00:46.740
see you too, that's okay. As long as we can hear you. That's Julian there. And that's Julian
01:00:49.920
with you. That's your partner there? Yeah. This is my childhood friend, uh, lived right
01:00:53.740
next door to us. He would come over and watch the Twilight Zone, Julian, and they're the
01:00:57.120
ones who really went downtown on this and went a little crazy. We just went crazy with
01:01:01.940
it, to be honest, Theo, because we could, and we just, it wasn't like a movie. You make
01:01:06.040
it, you know, it sucks. You have to walk away. We just kept redoing it. And then we learned
01:01:10.400
the space now. We think we reinvented it and whoops, number four on, you know, it's
01:01:16.300
doing very well. You guys are number four on Apple Podcasts. Today, anyway, for a scripted
01:01:20.580
comedy podcast, which is a very tough space. So we, we are, we're very proud of it and
01:01:25.320
we love it. And it, it deals in emotionality too, in a subtle way. It has story arcs. It
01:01:30.740
has a film makes sense to it. And mostly the word packages and the rhythms of the characters,
01:01:35.800
because that's what I harbor in. Those were so much fun to do. And Dexter, your father
01:01:40.380
played all the characters. Did you play some of the characters? Did Julian play some of
01:01:43.620
them? Who played what? We got, we got a few little ones. Um, my dad did most of the, the
01:01:49.400
voices just cause again, it was like, I don't want to have a, you know, it's, it's Dana's
01:01:53.280
kid tries voices for the first time. It's just like, we really liked the show. So I just
01:01:58.360
wanted to focus on the show and not about the people involved as much. But, uh, did you
01:02:03.900
enjoy, so a lot of producing and writing from your side? Yeah, I think all, I mean, that
01:02:08.060
was cool. I mean, it was, I'm not really that familiar with the whole writing stuff, but
01:02:13.640
like, this is like the first project, but like, we just sat on the mic. Yeah. Just stay
01:02:18.480
on the mic. You're good. Just stay on the mic. We don't. Yeah. But basically we're riffing
01:02:22.540
and we're at, we're at a impasse with the story. Okay. Okay. And Dex or Julian would say
01:02:28.800
something like, okay, the alien has to stay on earth. What if he gets addicted to earth food
01:02:33.280
and he gains so much weight, he can't get home on a spaceship. So I'm like, oh shit,
01:02:37.320
that's it. That's it. So they're writing in that kind of way. And then we're all rewriting
01:02:42.020
for clarity and we all learn together. I know a lot more about making a film or telling stories
01:02:47.860
now by doing this, but they, then they would, they would do a rough edit. They would add effects.
01:02:53.540
They would do music. We'd work on it again together. And then everyone was wearing every
01:02:57.760
hat. Cause I would look up from the mic after doing a take at Dex and Julian and I would go
01:03:02.740
by them and they might go, I think that last take or this take and we're picking takes.
01:03:07.680
And, uh, I just give them a lot of props. Cause that's the, I, I love crazy and I'm crazy.
01:03:13.340
I mean, I don't, I, I, if I'm working on something like I'll draw a little bit or play a song,
01:03:18.400
I'm as excited about that as being on Saturday night live. It's a weird discovery. It's almost
01:03:23.300
scary. That's all I care about. So this was all from the heart. Um, and not for money or fame.
01:03:30.140
It's just completely a message in a bottle that you hope people can get a little piece
01:03:34.800
in their, in their brains for a while. And the weird place it's called. It's called
01:03:38.440
the weird place anywhere where you can get a podcast. Yeah. We'll put the link below so
01:03:42.140
people can, uh, get ahold of it and check it out. Now is each episode different Dex or
01:03:46.300
what's that like? Is it each episode? It's anthology. Yeah. So anthology means what?
01:03:51.080
Just it's basic three basic stories. Uh, the first one is about a nuclear submarine,
01:03:57.380
1966 that goes through a time portal and surfaces in 1738 and sees a pirate ship. They don't even
01:04:03.420
know they've gone back in time. Wow. And there's a whole story around that. The second one was this
01:04:08.660
alien who has to come to earth and befriend an earthling to get, get them to help him make bomb
01:04:13.500
making materials. So he tells this sweet old lady that that's what he eats on his planet. Ammonium
01:04:18.720
nitrate, nitroglycerin. Could I have some ammonium nitrate, Sal? What do y'all want that for? To
01:04:25.140
eat because it's food. So that one's a little funnier, but he's the one who gets so heavy,
01:04:30.680
he can't escape in the spaceship. They become friends. And then the final one is about a guy
01:04:34.700
who's gets bullied by these guys. And he goes to this, this knickknack store and this strange
01:04:39.980
colorful character gives him a globe and it's a magic globe. And if you touch the globe, you affect
01:04:45.020
the real world. So he touches the Eiffel Tower. He touches Paris. Man, one day I will go to Paris.
01:04:51.020
And then there's mayhem in Paris. So that one is really very Twilight Zone and really special.
01:04:56.440
There's a lot of songs and there's a companion piece called Talking Weird. It's sort of an after
01:05:02.060
show that Rod interviews some of the voice actors and there's some singing in that.
01:05:08.180
Rod is, we needed a Rod Serling character. And so we needed that gravitas and that voice
01:05:14.580
to give us that vibe. And the music's all from the 60s. There's no sex or violence, no real
01:05:19.840
violence. And it's very 60s. It has an earnestness to it, you know, a sincerity to it. It's not
01:05:30.580
That is a show in the 1960s called The Twilight Zone.
01:05:35.720
And there's been reboots. Black Mirror was sort of a brilliant dark version of it.
01:05:39.600
And then Jordan Peele did The Twilight Zone. And so we just did our own thing and we kept
01:05:45.160
it earnest and we kept it rodicized for our purposes. So, you know, we did a lot of characters.
01:05:53.060
Yeah, that's him. Justin Theroux Jr. Look at him.
01:05:55.620
Yeah. And is he related to the Archbishop or whatever, the Canadian?
01:06:05.280
Well, I just keep thinking Justin Theroux, for Hollywood out there, should play Rod Serling
01:06:11.020
in a biopic. Because I think he does look kind of like him. If you could throw up Justin
01:06:17.240
Yeah, let's get a quick picture of Justin Theroux real quick. And then I got just one more question
01:06:20.680
for Dex, too. And he loves older women. I think he's into...
01:06:28.200
Well, he was with Jennifer Aniston for a while, right?
01:06:30.600
Oh, no. I'm thinking of the Prime Minister of Canada.
01:06:39.800
Oh, okay. That's funny. Maybe they both do. Oh, that's funny. There you go.
01:06:45.120
Yeah, you could carry it off. But you could see that Justin Theroux, who's a brilliant
01:06:52.800
And Justin Trudeau is the Prime Minister of Canada.
01:07:03.500
If his face was a fruit product, it wouldn't just be an apple. It'd be applesauce. And it'd
01:07:14.360
You have to get Kool-Aid when you can't afford high C. Oh, there he is. Jesus.
01:07:19.640
Christ sakes, got his hands around the bun there, all right? That's a good look for the
01:07:24.400
leader of a large nation, huh? Can't do the double knuckle grip on some chick's ass.
01:07:30.560
That's what we need in our prime ministers, okay? I can really... My IQ goes up when I
01:07:37.440
You know, I just know that he won't ever say anything directly. He has his own
01:07:40.680
poetry. Okay, Theo Vaughn there, rocking the mullet. That's a good look, Circa 2022.
01:07:47.020
Yeah, spend some money on the studio here. What is this? Six by eight? Looks like a prison
01:07:51.700
cell or something, okay? Dressing up with the psychedelic pictures. Okay, good. You put
01:07:58.040
down the hash pipe, Vaughn, okay? Do a podcast. So, you know, he's just a brilliant comic brain.
01:08:07.520
Did you? Yeah, he's an amazing improviser. Yeah, was it fun? Oh, I have one more question for Dex.
01:08:13.860
Let me get it so I don't forget. Yeah, is this something that you guys think you would do more
01:08:18.600
of our... Did this feel like too kind of harrowing?
01:08:22.900
Oh, I would love to do it again. It was pretty intense just because it was just three of us. And
01:08:30.040
we also really... It took like half the time just to figure it out. We just didn't really know how to...
01:08:35.080
Yeah, it's a lot, I'm sure. It sounds like a lot of learning.
01:08:37.080
I think we... And Julian can talk for a sec too. I think that we did figure it out. We have a work
01:08:42.660
process now. It might be a little bit like the first time you do a podcast and now you kind of
01:08:46.960
know. You know, I'm learning with spades still. But we could go faster. We would need a little more
01:08:52.260
help. You know, maybe a secondary mixer. We hired one. Yeah.
01:08:55.700
We had Michael Gordon from Conan. Great writer. He's doing some assisting for us. But we were
01:09:03.300
basically a three-man band. But we could move faster. It's like, this is proof of concept.
01:09:08.980
And we may release an episode soon. We had an episode that we held that Tom thought of. It
01:09:14.940
was about Valdemar Putin goes through a wormhole and ends up in a guy's bedroom in rural Mississippi.
01:09:26.700
Excuse me. Who are you, sir? Who am I, sir? You must be KGB agent. KGB agent? I surely
01:09:35.360
don't know what you're talking about, sir. So that's maybe a bonus episode coming out based
01:09:45.140
That's cool, man. Yeah, I think I would love to see Russia versus Mississippi. So I would love
01:09:50.440
to watch that. I'd watch that on pay-per-view even, damn it.
01:09:52.740
Well, I'll tell you, you know, the idea, not the romance, or maybe the romance, not the
01:09:58.480
reality, but the idea, when I'd gone to Mississippi and the South with a gentleman, a friend of
01:10:05.060
mine, and there is a charm factor of politeness, a way of speaking that to us Northerners is
01:10:12.860
just very, very charming. Yeah. And people say darling. People will damn, I mean, they'll
01:10:18.600
breastfeed a damn adult if they need it. You know, it's just that kind of place. It's not.
01:10:24.060
You darling, you all need some breast milk. I know you're 47. Come on over here. Here's
01:10:30.360
my titty. Now put your mouth around my squeeze real hard. There you go. There's your breast
01:10:35.780
milk. I just want to make you feel better. I know I've just committed three felonies, but
01:10:40.120
that breast milk's coming nice and clean. You too. I'll give you the other side. Yeah.
01:10:45.120
It's a very polite. Welcome to Logan's Roadhouse. And it's always at a restaurant too, you know?
01:10:49.620
Yeah. It's just the idea of the South and the movies and, you know, and the, um, what y'all
01:10:55.780
fixing to do? Or, or, you know, it's like Al Gore. People should think I did him gay, but
01:11:01.140
I wasn't. I was doing a Tennessee gentleman. He's just, I take umbrage with your attitude,
01:11:06.620
kind madam. And he's sort of, you know, put together as a Tennessee gentleman, not a rural
01:11:12.520
rat scat like you from deep rural Louisiana. I'm from Nashville, Tennessee. Oh, you up
01:11:18.820
here. And I wear a fine, I wear a fine vest, sir. And I'll say to you, sir, that the South
01:11:23.580
will rise again. I'll tell you, you know? So I do love, I love Southern Access. I love
01:11:28.900
Bill Clinton. I love being this guy. That's the most seductive. No wonder he got in trouble
01:11:34.000
because this is, this hypnotizes women. This gets them all bunched up downstairs. If
01:11:38.600
you know what I mean? When I say baby, I say you, you have the prettiest eyes I've
01:11:42.420
ever seen and they will drop drawers in a second. I'll fold my nuts in my dang vagina
01:11:47.260
right now, brother. I'll meet you halfway, but my favorite old fashioned dick joke is
01:11:52.980
this woman says to me, she wants 12 inches. I said, Hey baby, I don't fold it in half
01:11:58.160
for anybody. I mean, that's the best dick joke. You've never heard that. That's the best
01:12:03.640
dick joke ever. Who has this guy? Larry Reeb has this joke. He said, he goes, uh, my wife
01:12:11.500
told me never answer the phone during sex. I said, what if it's you calling? It's just
01:12:17.420
an old joke, but I love it. Oh, I loved old, old fashioned. My favorite joke ever. It's
01:12:21.940
like, what's the last thing you want to hear when you're getting a blow job? When, when
01:12:25.480
you're giving a blow job to Willie Nelson, I'm not Willie Nelson. How do you get a dog to
01:12:31.700
stop pumping your leg? Pick them up and blow them. I love these old jokes. What's the worst
01:12:39.700
thing you can hear when you get a prostate exam? Look, ma, no hands. These are just classics.
01:12:45.680
I used to do this old bit about, can you have a prostate exam joke in your act? Let me think
01:12:50.080
about it. I don't do this one anymore, but if you need it, you can have it. All right.
01:12:53.620
I might take it. This is like, I hate, you know, you have to bend over and they're going
01:12:57.260
to probe you and it's like, I like to take the power back. So they start to do the exam
01:13:01.500
and I always go, is that all you got? Is that it? Come on. So it's a commitment joke. You
01:13:09.320
know, you got to just go full tilt. Come on. Get in there. Get in there. You do a lot with
01:13:17.880
genitals, you know, being crooked or only the balls or they're folded or creased. It's a
01:13:23.460
funny rhythm you have. I've got fold my nuts in half and put them in a. Oh, yeah. Well,
01:13:28.660
I think you got to. That's your fucking first origami, dude, is your damn nuts, you know,
01:13:34.160
because they're so malleable and so like, it's really such a. If somebody gave you a pair
01:13:39.340
of nuts, it would blow your mind, you know, like in just loose off of a body. Yeah. I
01:13:45.180
mean, how it's built and everything. It's really insane. Yeah. And there's two nuts in
01:13:51.400
there. You know, that's the craziest thing about you. Sometimes I forget that I have
01:13:55.420
two nuts inside of my nuts all the time. I just forget about it. I mean, two testicles
01:14:00.420
inside of your scrotum using the testicle. The penile will enlarge. Yes. Do you remember
01:14:08.280
sex ed? You were going to sex ed the first time? Oh, God. How embarrassing. You know,
01:14:12.780
dude, we all wore. I remember all the guys would like one guy wore like a fucking suit or
01:14:17.100
like a little tuxedo. We're like, dude, what is going? This guy is spaced, bro. Well,
01:14:22.280
people would wear cologne. People be fucking drinking cologne. Guys putting cologne on in
01:14:27.200
their car before. Like it was the first. Cologne to go to sex education. Like they're seducing
01:14:32.020
sex education or is the teacher hot? No, it was a man, dude. But just sex education. They
01:14:37.440
wanted to smell good for sex education. We just thought it was time for sex. So we were just
01:14:41.780
everybody's peed up. We would wear hooter clamps just to keep our junk in place. Really?
01:14:47.140
Hooter clamps. They're just sort of like this thing you wear, like a leather diaper that keeps
01:14:51.760
your junk in one place. No, I made that up. But that's a joke we used to have. Hooter
01:14:55.200
clamps. Are you wearing a hooter clamp tonight? Yeah, I got my hooter clamp on. Good. I mean,
01:15:00.740
we'd laugh for hours about hooter clamps. It would just keep your kind of wiener down?
01:15:04.500
Which was an invented idea. Maybe Brad thought of that. I don't know. It's just when that
01:15:07.960
time when you're 20, 22, and you just go off on those. Like we said, just laughing.
01:15:14.560
Now, did you ever feel left out if your brother started to get erections and stuff and you didn't
01:15:18.520
have any yet or anything like that? Mostly erections were private. Did you ever do a
01:15:23.760
circle jerk with your brother and sisters? I mean, no, we never did anything like that.
01:15:27.400
I have to ask. One time we got under this blanket and things were like a little strange,
01:15:31.920
but it wasn't anything too crazy. And my buddy was there too. It was just almost like a Native
01:15:36.040
American type of deal. You know, it wasn't... Native American, like you were under the blankets
01:15:40.360
like a tent. Yeah, yeah. And then things started, a tent started to form in your pants and you didn't
01:15:45.260
know what it meant and you ran away. We were all just kind of chatting naked under this blanket and
01:15:49.000
then everybody started getting an erection. I think nobody wanted to like admit it, you know?
01:15:52.800
So everybody was just kind of pretending like they weren't getting an erection. We were more
01:15:55.980
innocent. We would make my sister play waitress like on a rainy day. We'd go, she wanted to play
01:16:00.940
with us. Now you can't. We'd go, but you could play waitress. Okay, so she'd make us root beer floats
01:16:04.940
and stuff and she'd bring them in like a waitress. We'd go, yeah, okay, clean it up. You know,
01:16:08.680
next day, can we get a cheeseburger with cheese? She became a really good fry cook for a while.
01:16:14.320
But she wanted to be our friend so bad, we just put her to work. I mean, this was the rough
01:16:19.000
and tumble Carvey's. This is like the sons of Katie Elder. I mean, we were just badass weirdos
01:16:25.760
building forts, tents, fighting. Was it weird? So whenever you started to have like a lot of
01:16:30.380
popularity in your life from work and stuff, was it tough with your relationship with your
01:16:35.460
brothers? Like, did you ever get scared? Like, oh, this is going to take away? Because I've
01:16:39.260
felt that in my own life. Not felt it, but I've just, I guess I've worried about it sometimes.
01:16:44.260
That's going to take away, or it's going to make my brother think I don't care about him
01:16:48.780
Well, I just, nothing changed on my side, but my brother Scott had a sense of humor about
01:16:52.580
it. He would introduce himself after I got something out of fame as Dana Carvey's brother.
01:16:56.460
Hi, what are you? My name's Dana Carvey's brother. My other name is Scott Carvey, but
01:17:02.180
my primary name is Dana Carvey's brother. So we just laughed about it and just kept in
01:17:06.800
touch. I would do these things called lost weekends to stay in touch with my friends,
01:17:11.420
my high school friends, my brother, when I was, you know, peak SNL. So we'd all go to
01:17:16.040
Vegas. Everyone gets their own room. We'd go see shows. We went out to Lake Mead when it
01:17:19.860
was there. Everyone would get a wave runner. We'd have beer and sandwiches in the front and
01:17:24.180
we'd go out there with crystal clear and we'd go to islands and dive off rocks and just have
01:17:29.160
a blast. So I just went the other way. I made a lot of new friends, you know, in show business,
01:17:34.360
but I have a lot of core, core friends. And, you know, fame is a motherfucker, you know?
01:17:40.620
I mean, there's no way around it. It's just very strange. And you're, you're still on the
01:17:45.820
upslope. So, um, your brother, did you look up to him? He was older.
01:17:50.140
Yeah. Not as kids. I didn't, but as adults, I really have, you know, he's really, really special
01:17:54.540
guy. And so, yeah, I don't worry. I just, I don't know. It was just, sometimes I just don't
01:18:00.180
want him to think that I, I don't know. I think we do a pretty decent job.
01:18:04.120
It's, it's just weird. And then the money comes. I remember just, I had the thing like, I'd go to
01:18:08.360
a mall and I think everywhere I look, I could buy it anywhere. I look, I could buy it, you know?
01:18:13.360
And I, I one time went in and I got like a Mercedes cause like an Elvis move.
01:18:17.640
At a mall? No, not at a mall, a dealership. But I got, I got, I left the mall and I pointed
01:18:22.980
at this one and it was like a Mercedes coupe. But I realized later on it had a plastic windshield.
01:18:28.180
It was like 125,000. It'd be like 250 now. So I turned it back in and I got a big giant
01:18:33.800
Mercedes, giant SLE 550, huge thing. And I was going into 7-Eleven just in the valley and
01:18:41.240
people were looking at me. So then I just went to a Honda Pilot. Ever since then, I like to
01:18:46.200
get rid of stuff. I don't want, I have one car, one wife, you know? You know, it's like,
01:18:50.800
I don't need a lot of things. I like guitars. I like things I can interact with, you know?
01:18:55.780
A woman, a guitar, a piano, a swimming pool, you know, things that are-
01:19:01.760
Tactile. Well, I can't get that excited about a chair and just look at the chair.
01:19:05.180
That's all right. My wife does, you know, it's just an interior designer mind and aesthetic mind.
01:19:09.620
I'm more in the internal world, but it's not self-congratulatory. But going back full circle
01:19:14.680
to your brother, yeah, it's, you could feel maybe a little guilt about it because you're
01:19:20.240
changing the dynamic of how he's perceived, you know, which is normal. It's nothing-
01:19:25.940
Yeah, I think it's, I don't want him to ever, I don't know, I just didn't want my brother
01:19:29.040
to think that he felt, that I ever felt like I was more important than him or something
01:19:33.460
like that. I don't know. And maybe that's all egotistical to even think that way, you know?
01:19:37.380
It's, you're just a passenger in this. So you just did this. I don't even know what
01:19:42.280
your resume was before you did this. And then you got really successful, extraordinarily
01:19:46.660
successful. And that's just the train you're riding. You couldn't will it, but you were
01:19:52.200
active. You did the necessary steps. But this lane that you're in now, where it's Theo Von
01:19:57.860
World and you run a, you're a CEO of a business and you don't bow down to anyone. No one tells
01:20:02.860
you're fired. This is awesome. I'm glad I live long enough to see this. That's us doing
01:20:08.420
this, this scripted podcast with just a laptop and the effects and all the things we could
01:20:13.940
get for ourselves. It's such an equal playing field for art and creativity. And you're like
01:20:19.480
one of the big, you know, people out there that have done this, you and Tim Dillon and others,
01:20:25.100
but it's a magic world and you can't help that you're successful. I'll be therapist
01:20:29.660
for a second. That's not nothing. You just ride in the train that, you know, and what
01:20:35.720
happens over time, I'll tell you this much. Everyone's all excited. You're famous. And
01:20:40.360
then it gets boring. Yeah. It might be 10 more years, but at some point it's full circle back
01:20:45.180
to Theo. Just like, and you're still going and doing stuff, but like been there, done that
01:20:49.520
they're used to all the stuff. But in early heady days of it, you're picking up checks,
01:20:54.080
you're renting cars, you know, and, uh, it's just a little bit of a whoop-dee-doo. I mean,
01:20:58.520
I, I sort of got famous in a sense at 31 or 32. And, um, so I had a long runway before that,
01:21:06.840
you know, if you make it as a child actor, that's, that's fucked up. Yeah. It's scary.
01:21:10.940
I mean, it just killed that one kid, you know, you saw that Aaron Carter. He just,
01:21:14.320
you know, he drowned out. He drowned out. I think he, they said he was Huff and Duster,
01:21:20.600
which I've done. I'm not going to lie about that. What is that specifically? Huff and Duster?
01:21:25.340
Yeah. ASDFL Sim or whatever, you know, or whatever it is. Oh, okay. And you hit, you know,
01:21:30.680
hit the Duster, but I've hit it before. I love it, but I think it's sad to see what happened. You know,
01:21:36.960
he was a child star and then next, you know, he's got six or seven service animals. I mean,
01:21:41.240
he had a damn, you know, he was in the damn, I did a rod. It looked like the guy had so many
01:21:45.700
service animals and then he was getting tattoos and neck tattoos and just once it creeps up on the
01:21:51.220
face, you just feel like it's a cry for help. You know, it's like, what can I put on my face?
01:21:57.460
It'll make me okay. And the interesting part about therapy is just checking your thoughts. And that's
01:22:03.300
a daily thing, you know, cognitive behavioral therapy. Cause if you get redundantly into those
01:22:08.000
negative thoughts and you water those roots and then they get in your head, I'm a loser,
01:22:12.780
I'm a loser, I'm a loser. That's, you have to really fight all that stuff. You know,
01:22:17.460
it's really interesting game inside your head. It all happens in here. All your joy, your sadness,
01:22:22.460
your pain, just, it's all here, you know, and how you decide it is. That's how it is. You ever meet
01:22:29.120
a really, I have a friend, Chuck, who's just a really happy person. Oh yeah. He talks like this.
01:22:33.440
Get him. He's a guy who talks like this, you know, he's like the other day, you know,
01:22:37.680
I was running on my hop on my bike, you know, and the wind was coming. I don't know what
01:22:41.380
the fuck was going on. You know, he's a mechanic for United. He's a really bright guy, but he
01:22:45.800
should got this dems and does thing of like, you know, you ever go to New York and these
01:22:50.560
Brooklyn guys, I had a friend who passed away. He's just like, you know, he's really like,
01:22:53.860
you know, the guy, you know, God rest his soul. My mother did this for me and this and that,
01:22:58.100
you know, you got to take care of your family. It's a way of just simplifying this ride, this
01:23:03.820
70, 80, 90 year ride that we're all taking on. Just keep it real basic. Right here, I'm
01:23:09.000
with you right now. We're bonding over humor and telling stories, you know, and I think
01:23:14.180
that, you know, that Theo's, you know, he's a good guy, you know, and you had a nice chat.
01:23:18.960
He would come to SNL and he was a basketball freak. He would critique my SNL with basketball
01:23:25.240
stats. He'd come up because I'd do church late, whatever he goes. 28 points, 12 boards,
01:23:31.420
six assists. Capisce? You know, his catchphrase was this, which is another good one he did
01:23:37.100
with my brother, Scott. You do what you do. I do what I do. Rubber chicken. Capisce? I
01:23:44.740
don't know why it's rubber chicken, but it just works. You do what you do. I do what I
01:23:49.760
do. Rubber chicken. Capisce? And then this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Capisce? Well, he made
01:23:56.000
everything simple. Same with Chuck. Live in the moment. And it's a struggle if you're,
01:24:01.140
you know, a curious, active brain, but it's, you know, it's fun. Yeah. Staying in that.
01:24:06.980
Yeah. I think it's true that it does all happen between the walls of your own head. You know,
01:24:11.400
it's crazy. That's really where you get. That's really where you got to tend the soil a lot
01:24:15.300
and not even over 10. Sometimes you get so stuck on taking care of yourself that then that's all
01:24:19.040
you're doing. You know, it's like. I mean, mentally or physically or all of it. Mentally, all of it.
01:24:23.060
Yeah. All of it. It's like, I got to make sure I'm okay. You know, something that's a hamster wheel
01:24:27.040
people can really get on nowadays. Yeah. I think nothing has to happen is something that's helped
01:24:32.320
me recently. You get all pent up. Nothing has to happen. Yeah. You know, this could have got
01:24:37.380
canceled. Nothing has to happen. Just, just everyone calm down. We're just here. Yeah. Nothing has to happen.
01:24:42.340
We're not going to the movie. No, no, not tonight. Yeah. Nothing has to happen. It's just a way of
01:24:47.600
everybody calm down and just laugh your ass off and make art. No nuggets. No nuggets. No nuggets
01:24:53.360
tonight. Damn. God damn it. Nothing has to happen, dude. Nothing has to happen. It's okay. No one's
01:25:00.660
thinking about me right now. If anyone out there is thinking it's still okay. I mean, everyone's
01:25:06.420
inside their own kiosk, you know? Yeah. I think, um, it was interesting. So you, so when
01:25:12.680
you got, you had a lot of fame that happened and then you kind of took a break or did you,
01:25:17.360
is this okay? This is a, from this outsider's perspective. Oh no, no, totally. I had this
01:25:21.300
weird. You took a break to take, was it to be a dad? No, it's very much more complicated
01:25:26.040
than that. So basically I did all this stuff before SNL cause I was insecure, but I was
01:25:31.640
in the club starting to kick ass. But I did a sitcom with Mickey Rooney, Nathan Lane in
01:25:35.740
New York. Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney. Did you read his book? No, I know Mickey though. Oh.
01:25:41.060
Well he passed away, didn't he? He did, but he made it to like 95. Yeah. Dude, did you hear
01:25:44.900
about the story where somebody, he slept at somebody's house for like a couple of weeks,
01:25:48.580
right? Yeah. Oh no. He let somebody stay in his house for a couple of weeks. He was married
01:25:52.100
to some like bombshell, right? Yeah. He, he, all six of the hottest stars in the world.
01:25:57.380
And I said, Mickey, how'd you get them? He goes, money makes you handsomer. Money makes
01:26:02.520
you handsomer is his own word, but go ahead. What was his story? A guy stayed at his place
01:26:07.120
for a couple of weeks and he left him a couple of paintings as a gift and they were, uh, and
01:26:12.820
then like a few months later he was getting a divorce or something. And so he's a friend
01:26:16.040
helped him move and he said, Oh, you can have those. Somebody left him here. And they were
01:26:19.020
Salvador dollies. They were two Salvador dolly paintings. Whoa. And he talked about struggling
01:26:22.900
with his, with money most of his life. Oh yeah. And, uh, and then here he was giving
01:26:27.160
away a couple of dollies like that. It's kind of crazy. Yeah. There he is right there.
01:26:30.880
There he is when I, Oh, there I am. It's the tallest I've ever been. Mickey's like,
01:26:34.380
he called himself. I'm a fire plug built like a fire and Nathan Lane and that he was
01:26:40.800
my grandfather and I was just cast from NBC. I got a deal frequently. I had a teen idol
01:26:46.680
thing going on and go, you're going to play Mickey Rooney's grandson in New York. And then
01:26:51.800
I met Nathan and Mickey thought I was gay the whole time. He would put his arm around Nathan
01:26:57.640
and look at me and go, I'm just glad we like girls. And he finally got money cause he was
01:27:04.040
broke for 50 years. And he had, he was Rooney was broke. I called up Warner brothers in 1955.
01:27:11.360
I said, this is Mickey Rooney. He was always doing this. I need a job. And he'd stare off
01:27:16.600
and he'd go, he hung up on me. And then you'd come into the, the, the, the studio and you'd
01:27:21.880
hear him down the hall. How long has Rod for Robert Redford been in the business? He's one
01:27:27.360
of those guys would talk till he ran out of air. How long has Robert Redford been in the
01:27:30.780
business? 10 years. I've been in the business 62 years. How old are you? 62 in two months.
01:27:37.100
I mean, he's one of those guys who's a baby. He had so many, he would say this a thousand
01:27:41.520
times. Literally, literally, he would say this every day. I was the, which he was, he was the
01:27:46.820
number star, number one star in the world, 1937. I was the number one star in the world.
01:27:52.180
You hear me? Bang. The world. And he did that. You hear me? Bang. The world.
01:28:01.660
I swear. But he had finally had money. He was doing a Broadway show on our show. He
01:28:07.380
went to the racetrack all week. It was old show business. We had a guy who was five
01:28:10.940
feet tall, his head was, and we would just rehearse with him all week. But Mickey would
01:28:15.220
have like $5,000 and he'd put it in front of my face. He goes, think I can afford lunch?
01:28:21.620
And he had a 38. He didn't like the script. He would bring it out. And he'd throw the
01:28:28.360
script. This script is caca. And he's waving this 38 around. And he puts it back in. He
01:28:37.440
He was going to kill Juan Corona, this serial killer. Before this, I was going to go to see
01:28:42.460
Juan Corona. And I would say, you know who I am? I'm Mickey Rooney. I was going to plug
01:28:48.120
him full of holes. He was the craziest, greatest. He would play a piano because he was a jack
01:28:55.660
of all trades. He would play his piano chords. He goes, this is Stephen Sondheim's favorite
01:28:59.980
song. But then we bonded. He thought I was a hack and an idiot. But then I was able to
01:29:06.300
do Jimmy Stewart for him. So that's when I got him.
01:29:11.000
Yeah. Good to say. And said he was an impressionist too. He's like Sammy Davis Jr. Just could do
01:29:18.700
So we got going toward the end. And Nathan and I, and there's so much more to it. But
01:29:23.380
Meg Ryan played my girlfriend. Scatman Carruthers. First time I really befriended this beautiful
01:29:31.520
older black man from the South, I think, or whatever. But Scatman Carruthers. And he was
01:29:38.180
like such a poet. My brother came out to visit me. And he'd say, see that man over there with
01:29:43.980
the broom? He's an artist. We're all artists. And he'd play the ukulele. And he'd walk around
01:29:50.100
the studio. It had an unmarked bottle this big of pills. And he'd just chug some, you know,
01:29:54.560
vitamins. I'm going to 100. I'm doing Mickey now. I'm going to 100. So what happened was
01:29:59.780
he had, he smoked a lot of weed. It was always weed everywhere.
01:30:04.280
Yeah. Scatman. So during the break, I went back to San Francisco. There he is. He was
01:30:09.180
the nicest guy. So Scott and I got like 10, we got like two lids of Colombian pot. Those
01:30:15.040
days you'd fly with it. I guess we put in a suitcase. We gave it to Scatman in Rockefeller
01:30:20.300
Center. This is 1981. Mickey Rooney's around. Scat, here you go. Next day, he's in the elevator
01:30:25.160
with me. He says, because, you know, he grew up during secrecy with pot. He said, the music
01:30:30.220
was good. Uh, might I get a pound? So it was the best pot he ever had. And he could look
01:30:37.420
at, not even look at you and roll a joint and it was closed on both ends.
01:30:41.280
So then after the show got canceled, he was living in Van Nuys. And so Scott and I brought
01:30:46.140
a bag of Santa Cruz Colombian pot. We didn't even smoke pot at that point. Maybe a teeny bit,
01:30:50.940
but we brought it to him and he played ukulele. He goes, I got a bad wheel. It was just so,
01:30:56.000
it was such a sweet, such a sweet guy. That was a cool part of that story of meeting him
01:31:02.440
Oh yeah. There's nothing better that feels, I feel is better than giving like good weed
01:31:06.380
to a black guy. I feel like too. There's just something as a white guy that about that,
01:31:10.720
I guess so. I just, you know, I didn't, I grew up, you know, mostly it was a white neighborhood
01:31:15.520
and we had an integrated high school. When I was 14, I was standing there, Carmont High
01:31:20.240
School, 2,500 kids. And they brought all the kids in from East Palo Alto. So these buses showed
01:31:25.280
up and 500 black kids came in to the school. And all I was worried about was they think
01:31:30.580
I was prejudiced. So I'd say something that sounded prejudiced, but then, you know, we
01:31:33.980
all, they all ran on the team. We all hung out, but Scatman was just sort of, he's just
01:31:38.180
a poet, you know, just everything he said was poetry. You know, some of these people like.
01:31:42.620
Yeah. My dad had this fellow named, uh, his last name Wilson, right. And he had a, one
01:31:46.500
of his limbs was shortened out. Right. He probably had that, you know, he had that damn sand wedge
01:31:51.020
on him. He had that pitching wedge on his left. And so they would, they would cut a bunch
01:31:55.740
of, he had a bunch of piece of tire cut and just kind of either nailed onto the bottom
01:32:00.980
of that shoe. Interesting. And he would stand sometimes when he didn't have his, uh, good
01:32:05.020
shoe or whatever, he would stand on a little stoop. So he looked even from far off. Right.
01:32:09.400
It was just a big, he didn't want to be uneven, you know, was he a vet or was it just congenital
01:32:14.220
or an accident? He just probably, I don't know. Maybe he got raised in an area on an uneven
01:32:19.040
surface. I have no idea what happened to him. Right. But they, um, he used to put, uh,
01:32:25.880
he would hang out with my father and he would, you know, go get lunch for him and stuff.
01:32:29.980
Sometimes my dad worked in a French quarter for a little while selling, I think some kind
01:32:34.940
of bullshit, but this guy would help him out and he, so he would put cinnamon on his palm
01:32:40.640
of his hand and let us lick it off when we're children.
01:32:43.320
You never forget that. My grandmother bring date cookies and stuff. And that seemed exciting.
01:32:48.260
Um, any old person somewhere to treat anything, they hook you up, let you lick their hand
01:32:53.100
or whatever you felt. It just made you feel. One thing I appreciate, like my mother had
01:32:58.720
a friend that was just from Montana. Her name was Cookie. So she's an old person who just
01:33:03.720
giggled all the time. When you didn't meet a bitter, you just, I met a lot of bitter people.
01:33:08.740
They didn't like being old and my date, you know, it's like, okay, show business especially
01:33:13.540
or life is a bitterness factory. So be one of those cheerful. Don't be mad at someone for being
01:33:19.580
young. Cause James Ferentino was mad at me for being young when I did blue thunder.
01:33:23.920
So I was in this mock helicopter, another show that I did and he was purely doing massive amounts
01:33:29.120
of Coke. He had a styrofoam cup, this big, a straight vodka when we were in the mock helicopter
01:33:33.780
with our helmets on acting. And then I got fired from that.
01:33:39.020
That's crazy. People would do that then. Cause they don't do that now.
01:33:41.660
I know it was so obvious cause he got out of the chopper. His dealer was over there
01:33:45.520
and then I thought I'll just take a sip of water. I was so young and naive. He would take,
01:33:49.980
he was like Scarface. He'd take the script out and he just pounded on the, uh, instrument
01:33:53.840
panel and the fake helicopter were like 10 feet in the air and they're blowing steam at us,
01:33:57.460
you know? Okay. And we're pretending like, there we are. I love this guy.
01:34:01.780
I had a great haircut. Dude, you do. I could definitely see if a gay dude rolled up, bro.
01:34:07.540
You are toast. Oh yeah. Yeah. I was Jaffo. Just another fresh, look at that.
01:34:13.920
I'll throw a punch. That doesn't even look like the same guy.
01:34:16.900
Well, that was a while back, but yeah, no, that's me being the macho guy. But I just had
01:34:21.520
lines in the back of the chopper. He'd say, Jaffo incoming, jam him. And I would say, I am jamming.
01:34:26.420
I am jamming, sir. You know, I wanted to be, I wanted to be Richard Pryor or something or Steve Martin.
01:34:31.460
I'm in this goofy show. Oh, I bet they play that at so many bathhouses on loop, dude.
01:34:39.360
I bet you were on so many, you were not getting paid for this.
01:34:46.000
I think you need to sell, if you sold tickets in specific areas, man, you would really, really crush.
01:34:50.700
But he would call me at night. What are they saying about me?
01:34:53.500
Well, that you're doing drugs and you're out of your mind. Okay. Just checking. See you later.
01:34:58.080
But I got fired. They put me in the helicopter with that suit on and then they fired me.
01:35:04.320
They said, come on down. The whole crew was there. And I had to come down the ladder wearing that.
01:35:09.220
And they go, you're fired. I am now? They could have told me before I got in the monkey suit.
01:35:13.560
So I got to do, it's like an old show called Brandon. I'm walking across everybody, you know,
01:35:17.880
kind of waving, humiliated. I go to the wardrobe guy who I kind of befriended.
01:35:22.200
And I'm kind of shook up and I go, man, I'm funny. I can do stuff.
01:35:25.480
And he put his hand on my shoulder like, sure, kid. It's okay, kid. You know?
01:35:29.460
And then I ran into him after SNL. He goes, God, you weren't right. I didn't fucking, you know?
01:35:34.960
So I got revenge, but that was another crazy, I had some crazy people, you know, experiences.
01:35:40.440
But did you ever trial for MacGyver? That makes me think about that, looking at that show and then seeing you.
01:35:45.200
It seemed like they almost would have put you on there.
01:35:46.660
I don't know. At some point I stopped because what they did was they were giving me $7,500 a week.
01:35:52.560
And I'm from a middle-class family. I was a busboy.
01:35:55.000
Yeah. So I was like doing all this stuff was a waste of time.
01:36:00.340
So finally I got, they offered me Funster Hall.
01:36:16.720
Oh, because you were making too much money touring.
01:36:24.220
So I started going, you know, I started headlining.
01:36:35.700
And then I did one final thing that was different was a movie called Tough Guys with Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas.
01:37:01.380
These were like, this is like working with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt or something.
01:37:19.940
Kirk Douglas, when he saw me, I go, I play him Richie.
01:37:27.680
And then Burt Lancaster said, how many movies have you done?
01:37:43.220
I'm on SNL as the church lady eight months later.
01:37:50.500
It was a thrill being around them and listening and tell the stories.
01:37:53.720
Jack Nicklaus had won the Masters golf at age 46.
01:38:07.420
And eventually I started doing this thing, which is politically incorrect.
01:38:12.880
But just for my own amusement, late night writer's room stuff, I did them as lovers.
01:38:20.020
And I don't really like blue humor, but I thought their voices would blend so funny.
01:38:24.180
And the comedy was about the rhythm and the vernacular.
01:38:47.520
You keep bucking around like that, I gotta pull out and splooge all over your backside.
01:38:50.440
So that was the poem that made Lovitz throw up in a parking garage.
01:38:55.360
So I would do 20-minute versions of this for the writer's room.
01:39:03.660
And Lovitz, because I would just go so far with it, you know.
01:39:07.260
I don't know why I need you, but I want all of it.
01:39:11.920
So what I did was, then I made it into, they're just gonna wrestle.
01:39:15.380
And I made some tapes for friends and sent it to Bill Hader.
01:39:56.100
So it's just me having a party with those rhythms.
01:39:58.680
Because when I do this stuff, I'm the audience in my head, too.
01:40:06.580
That's great to be the audience in your own head.
01:40:10.640
If you're in a roll and you're doing bits and it's packed and you're rolling
01:40:14.300
and you're doing it a little bit better or a little bit different than you ever have.
01:40:18.640
So you're turning yourself on going back to the beginning of the podcast.
01:40:33.060
I was just trying to get that feeling of a rhythm that makes me laugh, you know?
01:40:45.800
You know, we're all well endowed by our creator.
01:40:50.160
And all men, it's the belief that all men are secreted equally with liberty
01:41:16.520
So I was just kind of trying to find a character and a rhythm
01:41:23.200
I'm going to say things like you wouldn't believe.
01:41:26.140
People don't want me to say it, but I'm going to say it pretty soon.
01:41:28.560
And you're going to be happy like you wouldn't believe.
01:41:49.880
I did them on Kimmel, but I like to do them on Theo Vaughn.
01:41:56.820
I want to learn how to do one with you real quick.
01:42:04.360
Well, I would say the quickest one, and these are ad hoc.
01:42:13.440
The one I distilled was Christopher Walken sees an amazing magic trick.
01:42:20.380
Christopher Walken sees an amazing magic trick.
01:42:52.060
I'm trying to think like a, oh, you used to do Morgan Freeman.
01:43:01.320
They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison.
01:43:16.880
Because some of your friends have died and you still do their voice.
01:43:19.920
Well, I have Dino Stapinobulus is a great writer.
01:43:25.100
He, every time one of my impressions dies, he texts me.
01:43:29.080
So when George Bush died, he texts me or Regis Philman, you know.
01:43:34.840
But David and I do Norm because we miss Norm and we want to do Norm.
01:43:39.840
And we know that Norm would have a twinkle in his eye and would be smiling if he heard us trying to do them, you know.
01:43:46.260
Hey, they say a penny saved is like a, what do you call it?
01:43:51.560
Yeah, that's like a thousand, that's a hundred percent return.
01:43:54.640
That's like, no, you can't get that right, you know.
01:43:59.820
Jack me over the can, he said, what is he, bipolar?
01:44:06.800
Yeah, David, he'll do that one where like, where Norm just describes, like he's like, yeah, I'm trying to like, hold on, I'm horrible at this.
01:44:16.140
So I'm trying to like, I don't know, what are you talking about?
01:44:19.620
It's like a, it's like I walked through this thing.
01:44:22.880
It's like a, it's like a tall rectangle, like a, what is this?
01:44:31.380
But like, he would just talk about like, I'm in this room and there's just men and there's men peeing in there.
01:44:42.580
And I don't know if John has talked about this, John Lovitz, but so it's like, yeah, he had a gambling issue, right?
01:44:56.560
So the next day, John goes, you know, can I have my $800?
01:45:12.200
And John was like, John, Norm would always fuck with him and say, I'm a better, no, he goes, I'm a better stand-up than you, you know.
01:45:20.160
I'm like a better stand-up than you are because I haven't done it longer and Lovitz would get so mad.
01:45:33.860
Oh, but yeah, as far as the 90s thing, which you asked is, so I did two shitty movies for $3 million each.
01:45:55.000
So I had too much heat and I didn't really know what to do as a middle-class kid.
01:46:01.360
Then I had two other offers, Pay or Play, Hans and Franz, The Gurley Man Dilemma, but we wrote it with Arnold.
01:46:09.960
Bob Odukirk and I wrote a Western called Tucson for me and John Lovitz.
01:46:14.900
That fell out and that was $3 million, Pay or Play.
01:46:20.000
They tried to put us together in Bad Boys, another $3 million, Pay or Play.
01:46:24.380
But then the script just wasn't right and it was a hot oven at that point for me.
01:46:30.660
So then I just sort of stopped and then I had two kids, but it wasn't – then they went along and then I did the variety show.
01:46:38.880
I did a special and then I did the variety show with Louis C.K. and Carole.
01:46:52.720
He was brilliant then and we had an A team for sure.
01:46:57.120
When you decided to take a – so was it a decision to take a break or was it just like this kind of feels what I should do?
01:47:01.980
Was it like specifically to kind of be a parent?
01:47:09.320
I was also sort of disillusioned, you know, because the movie thing, once you make those two things and they stick to you, then you're just in a hole to dig out of in a way.
01:47:19.420
If I'd done – I had Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma and others that I was working on.
01:47:29.400
But then at that point, I could make a fortune in stand-up.
01:47:32.960
So I could work – I would take two months off at Christmas.
01:47:37.220
So I could be a present dad and make a shit ton of money and especially corporate dates.
01:48:00.120
So I was able to take care of everybody financially, but I was in no man's land.
01:48:06.400
But, you know, fame was not something that I was – I'm kind of like other – there's some of us where fame didn't quite settle with us.
01:48:17.260
Some people embrace it and love it, and I don't judge that at all, or very easy with it.
01:48:21.540
For me, I'm kind of an introverted extrovert, so being famous was not – it was a very odd thing.
01:48:27.740
The money was fun and the creativity is fun, but the fame part, you know, I don't know.
01:48:35.920
Because my wife – so I was doing stand-up a while back, and I would just tease the crowd.
01:48:39.900
I would go, I know you're thinking, like, why am I here?
01:48:44.400
And I go, I know, me too, but I'm a millionaire and stuff like that.
01:48:47.760
Because you don't want people to go, aw, he was so big, and now he's poor.
01:48:51.300
So it was never a problem, and now it's just full circle.
01:48:57.840
And so this Weird Place thing is just super fun.
01:49:04.180
I mean, so I'm just having complete creative fun with both those things.
01:49:16.760
What did you, like – was it – what was it like watching your son –
01:49:21.480
like, was that kind of interesting, having had your own relationship with your own dad and your brothers and stuff?
01:49:26.600
What was it like when you were a dad and then you had a couple of boys?
01:49:37.760
We'd do things like on a rainy day, set up an obstacle course around the house and time them.
01:49:45.220
They did the classic, like, massive pillow – massive – well, we did the pillow throw.
01:49:51.180
It was called – and so they would – I'd get all the pillows from the couch,
01:49:54.720
and they would run across on the carpet, and I would try to get them under their feet and fall.
01:50:02.680
The hide-and-go daddy, which they would go in the room and they would hide.
01:50:06.540
I knew where they were, but I would creep around and go, I don't really know where they are this time.
01:50:12.340
You know, so they – and they have their own friends and their own humor, even as little kids.
01:50:18.180
They were – you know, but we just had a lot, a lot of fun.
01:50:22.360
A lot – they had a childhood of freedom up there, northern California suburbs.
01:50:28.080
Kids could just go out a lot more and, you know, sort of – so.
01:50:31.480
So, I don't know, Dex can jump on the mic on this one.
01:50:35.860
Yeah, I'm just kind of – I guess I'm just kind of curious, you know.
01:50:40.000
We watched a lot of movies, had a lot of rituals, and, you know, we went on vacation a lot to Montana, a lot.
01:50:46.920
And we just were in Montana, and it was very nostalgic, you know, for Dex and Tom to be up there in Montana.
01:50:57.680
Not at that time, but he's up there all the time, too, yeah.
01:51:00.700
If you go to Flathead Lake in August and you catch a nice day, it's like Tahoe.
01:51:04.880
No one's on the lake, and the water is just temperate, the mountains.
01:51:07.840
I mean, it's a magic place, northwestern Montana, Missoula, where I was born, and where we were this summer.
01:51:14.140
I mean, two being in stuff, just on an incredible motorboat.
01:51:20.800
Two and behind a bow is one of the best things on the planet.
01:51:23.760
Dex, was there ever competition with you and your brother to make your dad laugh?
01:51:32.020
I'm just trying to think of what it's like to have humor with your father.
01:51:35.280
I never had moments with my dad where we made each other laugh that I can remember or anything.
01:51:47.880
I wasn't always doing voices and characters, right, Dex?
01:51:50.700
Well, when you were working up for your special and you let Tom and I go on the road with you,
01:51:56.480
that would get a little competitive, you know, because Tom and I would be opening for you.
01:52:00.700
So if Tom just crushed, I'd be like, oh, man, I got the...
01:52:05.940
So Tom, you know, the brothers are doing stand-up.
01:52:08.360
And, you know, yeah, but I would just say we just had a lot of fun.
01:52:14.340
My wife, who likes a very tidy home, just gave them full run of it most of the time.
01:52:19.480
You know, the airsoft battles where there's a million pellets and their cousins would come over
01:52:23.960
and couches and they'd be in there fighting for hours, loading up.
01:52:30.300
They'd be on skateboards going down a steep hill.
01:52:32.520
So my mind was too active on that thing, but my wife could watch them go down the hill.
01:52:37.660
And, you know, they had a very free childhood in a lot of ways.
01:52:48.880
Yeah, North Bay, Mill Valley, just a little Steven Spielberg town.
01:52:58.300
And now with Full Circle, here they are working on this thing years later.
01:53:10.940
It's a touch reality is sort of, because I feel like your dreams are, and your memories are very similar, you know.
01:53:19.880
You dream something, but if, like, you try to, like, hold it in your brain, you in fourth grade or something,
01:53:24.820
it's kind of in that place where you would hold a dream, you know.
01:53:31.260
Did that really happen, you know, in fourth grade when we would, because you're remembering it just in images in your head,
01:53:37.380
when we skipped the rocks, and I beat my brother that time.
01:53:42.180
You know, skipping rocks was a pretty cool thing.
01:53:44.340
Skipping rocks is still a conquistadorian event if you can get into it and do it well.
01:53:49.380
Yeah, I miss the days when things were a lot more simpler and things would be, like, I remember walking down the street,
01:53:54.700
somebody invited somebody, their family, somebody had died over there, and they buried them in their yard, right,
01:54:00.360
to do insurance money because they weren't going to tell anybody and get that check.
01:54:05.700
So me and my buddy Summerall are walking down the street, and next thing you know, we get invited to a damn funeral,
01:54:14.000
At these folks' house, and they're burying the damn grandfather in there in the ground,
01:54:17.640
and then we'd go back there and play kickball and shit back there,
01:54:20.580
and he was in the ground for, like, probably 11 months before the cot.
01:54:23.620
They figured it out, you know, some, you know—
01:54:30.520
And we had to do a—I remember they said, does anybody want to say anything, right?
01:54:35.180
And my buddy, he said grace, like you say at dinner or something.
01:54:41.240
And he said, God is great, God is good, God, we thank you for this food.
01:54:50.840
Scott and I were in the pet cemetery team under the willow tree, so the animals—
01:55:02.460
That's a little close to be burying a dead animal, bro.
01:55:11.180
If you don't have a half acre, bro, you don't want to put it.
01:55:14.800
You know, Boots got rigor mortis in the laundry room out in the garage, so we cannot go.
01:55:21.080
So Boots has ants, ants, ants coming in his mouth, and he's kind of stiff.
01:55:28.580
So we get the shovel, and we're bringing Boots down to the pet cemetery, the willow tree,
01:55:32.120
and we dig the hole and drive, and we put Boots in.
01:55:48.880
My brother Mark was sort of not a good driver, so he backed up overhead.
01:55:58.060
The head was all flattened out, but he said he never felt a bump, but Scott and I got
01:56:03.980
This time, it was a—no, it wasn't a question mark.
01:56:13.440
Anyway, no, but yeah, we had a kind of a suburban, but it was low population, a lot of open land.
01:56:19.320
And so a lot of getting in hollowed-out trees and smoking cigarettes.
01:56:24.740
Yeah, getting in the hollow tree and getting—sometimes.
01:56:27.680
Getting stuck in it, you know, and fights, fistfights and headlocks, you know, cut it
01:56:34.100
out, cut it out, you know, a lot of just like—my brother got through a dart and like
01:56:39.400
stuck in my leg, and I had to pull it out, you know, but anyway—
01:56:45.680
It's just there's a—we have a symbiotic kind of child.
01:56:49.820
Yeah, I remember a guy borrowed some money off me one time to buy drugs, right, and I
01:56:53.300
didn't know he was buying it for him and his mother or whatever, but I went down there
01:56:58.800
You know, I'd loaned it to him like $2.50, and I needed it.
01:57:02.380
You know, holidays were coming up and all of that.
01:57:05.640
And so I went onto their property, and they had like 11 people lived in like a house this
01:57:09.940
big as this room, and there was people sleeping in the sink, and I was so scared to ask for
01:57:15.060
And then him and his mom started fighting about drugs, and next, you know, their fist
01:57:20.600
And I was like, oh, y'all can just keep the money.
01:57:22.940
I mean, they're just beating each other's teeth in.
01:57:24.760
Jesus, we had the Kassin brothers, and their mom was like 28 or something, you know?
01:57:31.000
She was a tough chick, but she was never around.
01:57:39.100
And I would take five to get in one roundhouses.
01:57:41.860
I was 90 pounds, and then Jimmy beat up Johnny and was over there, and Johnny came out of
01:57:57.620
Like Kassin brothers, theirs were the other side of the tracks, even though we didn't have
01:58:07.300
Oh, dude, we had that lady—I think I told you the other night, my mom got a dang Dodge
01:58:12.680
And my brother would go—my brother and I—my brother Zeph and I would go sleep in it at
01:58:27.240
You know, we'd be in there, God, just smelling just—just smelling as much newness as we
01:58:35.140
And then this lady—we had this lady that lived a couple apartments down, and she'd
01:58:38.160
always play—she'd be out there one time, and she was getting railed by some guy on
01:58:43.160
the—on the fucking new car on the—against the side of it, dude.
01:58:46.640
Where my brother and I—my brother and I woke up, and this lady, she was always out there
01:58:50.780
kind of touching herself and fucking huffing, you know, not paint, but something.
01:59:00.500
We'd run cross-country in high school, and this couple's on the trail.
01:59:03.920
It's like, let me buy—as far as the car, my dad had a British—we always had used cars,
01:59:08.340
but it was a Hillman, and it was a nice British sedan.
01:59:11.480
And my brother Scott, the guy who ran over Pepe, he was like 18, so he went to some baseball
01:59:18.000
thing, hot dog, jamboree, and later on we found out he had 10 Heinekens.
01:59:23.000
So he drove the car home, he had had 10 Heinekens, and then he got hungry, so he had pink popcorn.
01:59:28.740
He had two big things up here, and I don't know how he made it home, but he came in,
01:59:33.900
and he was so fucking drunk, and my dad goes, you're drunk?
01:59:36.000
So he's sitting on the bed, and I was like that.
01:59:39.920
Well, he broke his wrist on his skull, probably the first two punches.
01:59:43.100
He wore a cast, and we had to say—we couldn't say why.
01:59:45.820
My mom's saying, you're killing him, you're killing him, but he didn't feel anything.
01:59:50.540
We had to clean up the pink popcorn covered all over the front of the Hillman.
01:59:55.520
And the only thing worse than that is when the whole neighborhood's toilets backed up
02:00:02.480
It just started flowing out, because the downstairs brothers had just a toilet down there, no sink,
02:00:10.920
So it was poo and shit and water going out there.
02:00:14.500
All just—not ours, just the whole neighborhood.
02:00:18.240
They just came, and it was flowing up, and we're bailing.
02:00:21.980
Brad had a drill, because it was starting to rise up.
02:00:26.180
So he could have electrocuted himself, but he was drilling, and then he went under the
02:00:30.320
house and was drilling holes for the water to drain.
02:00:35.180
He was under the house drilling holes for the water to drain?
02:00:38.800
Well, because it was filling up the room, and we were bailing as fast as we can.
02:00:51.560
And we'd even grab shit and throw it out the window.
02:00:56.620
We got just in a frenzy, because we just—we were trying to stop it.
02:01:00.060
If you got a loose-handed dookie of a stranger, I don't know if there's any other—I mean,
02:01:10.180
We had every kind of feces going out that thing.
02:01:12.720
We learned a lot about the human anatomy and gastrointestinal stuff.
02:01:17.700
I couldn't even tell you—I mean, there's a lot.
02:01:23.940
You know, what I remember about—a lot of people don't remember—like, I'll hang
02:01:26.860
out with my best friends from growing up, and they don't remember a lot of the stuff
02:01:31.720
Well, you're kind of jogging my memory, because of the car and all these things.
02:01:37.040
I don't know if they didn't—weren't paying us enough attention, or—I think I was hyper-aware
02:01:42.180
I think as comedians, you get hyper-aware, because you're really alert and sensitive
02:01:47.340
That's good for a comedian, is to be observant and really—be a sensitive instrument, I call
02:01:52.560
And so it's almost a form of—light form of Asperger's.
02:01:55.340
You don't want to look at the light too much, because everything's so intense, you know?
02:02:01.940
I just—because it was—and there were some just lazy moments, too, but there was one
02:02:06.120
time where I just got incredibly lucky, and it was almost a spooky day at this weird cabin
02:02:12.240
Well, they had a slot machine in there, you know, and it had all dimes in it.
02:02:21.820
And it's like—and then he'd do it, and I kept hitting jackpots.
02:02:24.220
Then we were playing poker, and we had these chips, and I kept getting perfect hands.
02:02:27.400
It was this day where I was just incredibly lucky for this day.
02:02:33.560
It went back to the—and it was dimes coming out.
02:02:35.980
He gets, like, you know, one cherry, gets a dime, like, three cherries.
02:02:43.020
Yeah, things when you're young have so much—like, even if you win seven dimes, it's like,
02:02:49.300
I remember we were going to the movies, and we found a busted open Coke machine, and
02:02:52.800
somebody had been trying to rob it, and, like, jimmied open them, and they'd ran off,
02:02:57.700
And I walked up, and there was all this money and a watch.
02:03:01.140
You could see the robber that had reached in there.
02:03:04.980
So suddenly, I had me a nice watch and as much money as you could think of.
02:03:12.060
And when I finally got caught, like, I had a special billowy coat and a special secret
02:03:19.500
And so I was, like, in this drugstore, and I'd been shoplifting like crazy, you know,
02:03:25.760
And I got this top that you would spin, and I put it in there, and I'm on my bike.
02:03:29.740
And right as I was getting away, the guy grabbed the back of it.
02:03:32.700
So then my brothers, you know, they were the ones who got me into shoplifting.
02:03:43.780
They didn't say, we were shoplifting, too, and we used to stick stuff down his pants.
02:03:49.740
So my dad came in, and I thought, okay, here it comes.
02:03:54.120
But then he goes, oh, Jesus Christ, you brought shame to the family.
02:04:04.080
Well, anyway, we're halfway through the podcast.
02:04:14.260
Yeah, I didn't realize we kept you in here that long.
02:04:20.120
And yeah, I wonder if they'll let us play a clip from your show.
02:04:36.660
Okay, this is, this submarine crew goes back in time to the pirate ship.
02:04:40.660
And then they interact with them, and they figure out they've gone back in time, and they go
02:04:44.940
on a tour of the pirate ship to show them everything, and they go to the brig, and they
02:04:53.280
And the captain, McKinley, from 1966, is a little thrown by it, and this is their conversation.
02:05:06.820
Not with these balls, men, a fine Spanish deal.
02:05:15.240
I'm Captain McKinley, of the United States Navy.
02:05:38.580
So, there's a little, you know, the filmic music, the sound effects, like he's slapping
02:05:50.560
And then these guys pitched it down, and I said, oh, God, that's the guy.
02:06:11.560
You know, it's almost like somebody just bought a new cat.
02:06:18.860
Okay, here is like the guy who gets the magic power with the globe.
02:06:24.600
He says, I'll fight you in an abandoned lot outside of town.
02:06:28.120
Then he goes to the globe, and he sees an ant, and he puts an ant on the globe, and it's
02:06:35.060
And they're just waiting to fight him, and this giant ant comes out of the sky, and these
02:07:32.800
I did some practical effects where we layered in.
02:07:43.880
Yeah, we'd do like, we'd kind of lay down some initial effects with our just voices and whatnot
02:07:49.640
or find some stuff on YouTube and then we would send it out to our mixer guy we were
02:07:54.620
kind of collaborating with and he'd help us sort of build it out.
02:07:57.220
How exciting are the moments whenever you kind of like, okay, let's redo it again, but
02:08:00.740
then you realize how much you raised the bar on it and you're like, oh my God.
02:08:09.040
And those guys went downtown with that ant thing and we kept doing it.
02:08:15.360
Or do you feel like you had, were you afraid to be the, you're obviously the odd person
02:08:22.680
There's not much, but no, we all grew up together.
02:08:25.500
We had a hole cut in our back fence and we had a tin can phone and whatnot.
02:08:34.660
I mean, they're like thick as thieves and they have so much shared experience.
02:08:41.720
And he was, he was about, uh, he was pretty, pretty cocky.
02:08:47.080
He had diapers on, but he had an, no, he was just a cute little kid.
02:08:52.060
Probably just strolling around the neighborhood.
02:08:59.880
So that's, that was, you know, I was, I was baptized in Mississippi.
02:09:04.160
Dude, I saw, I used to work over there and, uh, I had to paint a fence one time, right?
02:09:10.920
With this fellow, big Johnny, and he was homoerotic guy, right?
02:09:13.880
And they didn't, you know, and he would wear, uh, big chains and stuff and he had a big afro
02:09:18.960
and he would drive on a riding lawnmower all the time.
02:09:22.460
And he and I had to paint this white fence and the birds, all these, uh, I think there
02:09:28.840
were nightingales maybe, would come and try to get into his hair.
02:09:33.300
And so my job while I, we were painting, I had a badminton racket and just to whack them
02:09:40.860
I started painting, but by the baby about an hour in, he couldn't handle the pressure
02:09:45.760
60 cents an hour and you're just whacking birds with a tent?
02:09:48.180
Oh, I was doing pretty, I was getting paid five bucks an hour, but I was out there.
02:09:50.620
I probably, dude, I bet I took 30 sparrows off that dude's brim that day, man.
02:09:55.220
I mean, cause they, his hair was just, they wanted a nest in it.
02:09:58.480
But did you wound them and then they'd fly away or did you really whack them dead?
02:10:02.000
I'd say probably 40, 40, 50 or 40, not 40, 50, 50, 50.
02:10:11.080
Well, the problem with birds is they're coming out of the sky and you don't know what's going
02:10:15.940
Animals, you get a little bit more, you get the, they run up, you get the ambiance, but a bird,
02:10:21.140
We have some koi fish on our farm slash ranch and they're inside this cement.
02:10:28.320
So like the bald eagles or whatever's up there, cause most of the people come over and go,
02:10:33.880
They're like 40 pounds and they'll live to like 110.
02:10:40.900
I mean, they go around in circle on a five foot thing and they're fascinated for a hundred
02:10:44.900
But anyway, he said that the birds intuitively know they could get them with their tailons,
02:10:50.220
But they wouldn't, they don't have enough runway to get out cause they'd hit the Buddha statue.
02:10:59.820
I think we all, we're all, that's all we all are.
02:11:12.620
I think it's nice that you're getting to work on a project that, you know, with family,
02:11:16.880
obviously family is something that's been very important to you.
02:11:22.400
Like, you know, I talk about doing stuff with my brother.
02:11:24.780
There's a lot of people who'd give anything to be able to do a job with their dad, no
02:11:29.680
And like, um, especially to make something like this, that almost anybody could really
02:11:33.920
make, like, of course people aren't going to have the same talents.
02:11:35.700
People, people make them, but we know that you got it.
02:11:41.220
You can't just write a script, get some voice actors and add a couple of effects.
02:11:45.100
You need to win the war every moment for the attention span.
02:11:53.320
You know, uh, rather than just something to get something else.
02:11:57.040
Hey, maybe someone will buy it and we'll make a lot of money.
02:11:59.640
You know, we actually said, no, we want to conquer this space.
02:12:02.720
And those guys, they were writing with me at the table.
02:12:07.600
Um, they were doing rewrites and they were doing the editing and they were stacking the
02:12:11.520
effects and working with Ben and, you know, it's just, and choosing music, bringing in
02:12:18.540
You know, and the right scary music for Psycho Bill or what's the music.
02:12:23.840
So we, we were able to make it filmic as you can see by these samples.
02:12:31.900
Suddenly my imagination has to work and it's almost excited.
02:12:36.020
And I don't mean that any dad and son could do this or any dad and family and friends can
02:12:41.360
Anybody could, you could make something fun with your family.
02:12:43.680
You could do something with the tools available.
02:12:45.740
You can make cool, you can make really cool stuff.
02:12:48.280
But also obviously you guys are trying to get it at a level out there where it's like,
02:12:51.460
you know, you want to put a piece of art out into the world.
02:12:53.500
And I think it's interesting that you didn't burn yourself out over the years.
02:12:56.960
So you still have the, a little bit of the veracity or concern or whatever to want to
02:13:06.000
I mean, there are people that, you know, do 20 things that they don't want to do for
02:13:11.980
My other son watched the time machine with Rod Taylor, Obsessed, which I showed him as
02:13:17.940
So art and music, my family with the Beatles and movies, just everything to us.
02:13:25.700
I like to think that because of my cross country and track, I've kept my VO2 max really strong.
02:13:30.760
Like, I don't think anyone in Hollywood could hike up a hill with me.
02:13:36.740
If they could, but I'm going past, like, they're all in the slow lane.
02:13:47.860
Does your dad have some good lungs on him, Dex?
02:13:56.480
Like, I do it for an hour every night, making up shit.
02:13:59.460
And I need the breaking the sweat with the pulse.
02:14:03.800
But I do think the core energy and passion for me, and I'm just surprised.
02:14:10.240
But I care just as much about this as anything I've done.
02:14:24.520
Because the amount of layering that went into it, and the amount of sound collage, and just
02:14:28.760
finding Psycho Bill, and writing the part, and what do they say?
02:14:52.580
I picture a little bitty guy with the biggest wiener you've ever fucking seen.
02:15:00.860
I mean, he's got, no, he has to wear it over his shoulder in a bag.
02:15:08.160
And he has the biggest, thickest, darkest mustache you've ever fucking seen.
02:15:20.220
He could literally just walk through the bars if he wanted.
02:15:23.500
But he stays in there because it's just, it's who he is.
02:15:28.400
There's stuff that happens with other sailors, and there's some illicit stuff that's going on.
02:15:34.340
So, you know, that's the great thing about this.
02:15:37.220
If you're driving around as a mom with your kids, and it's nothing else going on.
02:15:44.360
Let them decide what Captain McKinley looks like.
02:15:46.960
Or Captain Jack, you know, who I worked after my wife's Irish uncle.
02:15:54.400
So all the characters have some reason or some way I found my way to them.
02:16:00.140
There's a character called Smarty Wiggins, a pirate.
02:16:02.160
And I base it off this Irish woman, Noni, who talks sort of like this.
02:16:22.400
That's what my father used to say all the time.
02:16:31.040
Yeah, we'd wake him up and he'd be like, God damn it!
02:16:34.960
It was like all I remember him saying most of my life, dude.
02:16:41.060
Oh, he would take me to the bar with him and he'd tell me to go walk down the bar and come back, you know?
02:16:47.380
And literally walk down the bar and I'd walk down it with all the people's glasses on and stuff.
02:16:57.100
You know, when you're four or five, it's a pretty long bar.
02:17:02.080
You know, reaching in and getting a little popcorn or a snack nut.
02:17:05.340
And you're, you know, jumping over this glass and, you know...
02:17:13.820
Sometimes I'd go walk the bar for him down there and the lady would be down there.
02:17:18.440
Even if it was out of season, she'd have a little cup of Christmas candy.
02:17:21.040
And he just wanted you to walk down just to see what it was like?
02:17:22.940
Just to get off his nerves for about 30 seconds.
02:17:36.500
You know, you got a guy picking his nails, you know, and giving it to you or whatever.
02:17:54.840
We're going to, all right, we're going to head home.
02:17:55.960
And we'd sit in the car, like, we're going to leave in just a minute.
02:17:59.960
And I'd just be fucking sitting there in the fucking car.
02:18:03.800
Oh, my dad would, when I was in junior, I was the last kid there.
02:18:06.520
He'd give me an enema kit because he was too embarrassed to go buy one.
02:18:17.220
Because I was buying the enema kit for him, no embarrassment.
02:18:31.680
But he did take us to the Kit Kat Club in Idaho Falls.
02:18:50.100
But just the bar scene as a young, the darkness of it.
02:18:53.640
Because when I worked at Holiday Inn as a busboy or a waiter, I'd go into the bar to get drinks in the afternoon.
02:18:59.660
And then there'd be like a parent of one of my friends would be in there just getting blasted.
02:19:15.860
Well, there was a man in the bed with sheets over.
02:19:22.940
Because he was playing the Circle Star Theater.
02:19:27.320
And I waited on Richard Pryor, waited on Carlin, waited on Rich Little, stuff like that.
02:19:45.420
Well, it just flowed really nice because I do this now.
02:20:00.320
Well, just, you get a, you know, you just sort of get...
02:20:02.840
It's exciting just sharing these stories and the way we were bouncing off each other.
02:20:09.640
Because I'm like, the new car, the brother, the thing, the guy with one toe or whatever.
02:20:17.500
So we were kind of hillbillies from the middle class white suburbs, basically, up there in the Bay, San Francisco Bay Area.
02:20:38.980
Because, yeah, it'll help just to get you to go.
02:20:41.140
Especially moms knowing or dads knowing that they could listen to it with their kids.
02:20:46.640
And we have some emotionality, like I said, in it.
02:20:50.400
Nothing heavy-handed, but there's some sweetness to it and earnestness to it.
02:20:54.920
And we were thinking of this before, Ted Lasso, which I think that struck a nerve, too.
02:20:59.900
We love the dark stuff, but there's something about earnestness and sincerity.
02:21:10.780
They could play a thousand years from now if there'll still be submarines.
02:21:14.480
And so we just love it and just feel very lucky.
02:21:18.920
Was there ever a chance, like, looking back on some of your, like, prime days when you
02:21:21.820
were working on SNL and you got to work with so many unique people?
02:21:25.580
And in a time when they let characters really develop and have a voice.
02:21:28.960
Yeah, and reoccur and you had your catchphrase.
02:21:34.380
Was there ever a chance you guys would try to get back to...
02:21:36.660
I've always wondered why didn't, like, five or six of the guys say, hey, let's do this
02:21:51.000
But then you're kind of like, how do you get back to sketch, you know?
02:21:54.560
Me doing these voices and improvising these rhythms was exercising that same idea.
02:22:00.660
And there's a freedom without an audience, you know?
02:22:03.220
You don't want to be indulgent, but you can also step outside yourself.
02:22:12.280
The people will laugh and will have a good time, but there's an emotional underpinning to
02:22:17.600
that shared story of getting this incredible lucky break.
02:22:22.040
You're with your friends, or I call them your bandmates.
02:22:26.300
You're getting a little famous, and you're all doing it together.
02:22:28.600
And you're live in Rockefeller Center, way up in the sky in the middle of the night.
02:22:33.540
And there's horses and dwarfs on the show, and people are juggling, and you're falling down,
02:22:41.240
And so it's something that's a fever dream, kind of, in a way.
02:22:51.700
I think I had a podcast a while back where I was doing long-form riffs.
02:22:57.540
Where I would just take Flight of Fancies and go for 10 minutes.
02:23:02.080
Kevin and I would do Hans and Franz for like an hour.
02:23:11.200
But our best moments, we would just fall and giggling and, you know, just by, you know.
02:23:18.460
When Kevin said, and if you don't think we're properly pumped up men, you know, the defensiveness
02:23:22.220
of Hans and Franz, we could very easily come to your house, stretch the flab of your
02:23:26.960
back into the shape of a rope ladder so you could crawl down into the sewer.
02:23:36.040
And the guys who never lift anything, they're terribly wounded, terribly insecure.
02:23:41.260
They have this stupid show and they're just trying to get back at imaginary enemies.
02:23:45.820
They think the audience doesn't think they're macho.
02:23:48.520
And I could very easily, you're lucky, your buttocks are like marshmallows.
02:24:00.560
I like to shape them in a bow and put them under the, put you under a Christmas tree.
02:24:07.820
I was sort of, would have been happy if that movie had come to fruition.
02:24:12.700
Conan O'Brien, Robert Smigel, me and Nealon wrote it together.
02:24:23.340
You're getting into, you're getting to have a family and be a real human in a family.
02:24:29.980
Yeah, yeah, my wife and I are just incredibly regular people doing, doing regular things.
02:24:35.520
There's, there's an enviable thing when I see people who can really take joy and doing regular things.
02:24:47.800
I'm putting, I'm putting some raisinettes in the popcorn.
02:25:01.760
It was, it was playing somewhere in my grandmother's town and I went over there.
02:25:10.840
Oh, I just remember eating so much fucking candy, vomiting in the bathroom and going back
02:25:17.580
We go to matinees, but you would go at 12 and come out at five.
02:25:25.000
And you're in there watching Audie Murphy Westerns back to back.
02:25:27.780
You might get a sucker and nurse that, or if you're a big hunk, you'd just suck on that.
02:25:34.400
It was like, you could bring a can of beans or 50 cents, because if they were having a Salvation
02:25:38.600
Army thing there, bring some soup and get in for a five hour matinee.
02:25:42.920
Even though we're a generation apart, there's so many things we have in common.
02:25:48.840
It's just, you know, maybe we were the original hillbillies of San Carlos, parents from Montana,
02:25:56.480
Gristle and Dale Baked Goods, and everyone loved to come to our house.
02:26:05.780
When you put us together, you got cock and balls.
02:26:17.540
Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
02:26:28.360
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
02:26:33.960
I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take...
02:26:40.740
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll
02:26:47.540
be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to
02:26:59.280
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
02:27:16.720
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
02:27:22.760
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
02:27:25.780
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
02:27:32.600
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
02:27:36.780
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
02:27:41.000
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,
02:27:46.760
And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.