This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E443 That Lord Portal

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00:00:51.320 Oh, baby.

00:00:55.720 Oh, dang.

00:00:57.220 Look at the baby.

00:00:59.120 It's so tiny.

00:01:02.520 It's so tiny.

00:01:06.920 God, I remember that song.

00:01:08.360 Remember that?

00:01:08.820 From church.

00:01:10.620 Oh, look at the baby. 0.98

00:01:13.120 It's so tiny.

00:01:15.020 It's so tiny.

00:01:21.320 Dude, one time I went over to this.

00:01:24.520 I don't know if it was Japanese or Chinese or it was some knees. 0.99

00:01:32.540 That's all I'm going to say.

00:01:34.680 It was some knees.

00:01:36.200 It was Asian.

00:01:36.900 It was...

00:01:38.740 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:01:39.920 You could damn... 1.00

00:01:41.960 You could throw a pot of rice in this church and hit an Asian. 1.00

00:01:44.860 They probably had unlimited Asians in there. 0.99

00:01:50.660 You know, it looked like a...

00:01:53.060 It looked like a...

00:01:56.560 It looked like a...

00:02:00.820 Kind of an Asian-y... 1.00

00:02:02.280 Asian-y... 0.99

00:02:04.280 Asian.

00:02:06.420 Asian thing.

00:02:07.740 Spot.

00:02:08.320 Place.

00:02:08.800 Asian.

00:02:10.720 It was Asian in there. 0.58

00:02:12.780 And...

00:02:13.280 And I remember the first time I'd ever heard a batch of Asians like that sing a church hymn. 1.00

00:02:21.180 You know, I think they were...

00:02:25.980 I don't know if they were first generation or not.

00:02:28.960 I'm not sure what generation they were.

00:02:30.960 They were...

00:02:32.300 Some of them had the...

00:02:34.180 The beat, you know, the little...

00:02:36.740 Some Asian people, though, if they get real old, they get that catfish hair coming out of them. 1.00

00:02:42.760 And you could get, you know... 1.00

00:02:44.120 You put a damn worm in front of one of them, they'll damn... 0.99

00:02:47.000 You know... 1.00

00:02:48.180 They'll jump right out their damn kimona. 1.00

00:02:50.120 They'll jump right out their damn church pajamas. 1.00

00:02:54.180 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:02:54.780 They don't...

00:02:56.280 You put a spinner bait or something.

00:02:57.740 You throw a chicken liver in front of a...

00:03:00.720 You know, you got them catfish Asians, baby. 1.00

00:03:02.920 They'll lurch. 0.95

00:03:05.180 They'll lurch. 1.00

00:03:05.900 They got that damn... 1.00

00:03:06.600 You know... 1.00

00:03:08.120 They got that last bit of karate left in them.

00:03:11.120 And they'll...

00:03:11.520 You know...

00:03:12.920 Because it...

00:03:13.400 You know...

00:03:14.200 A lot of humans, as they get older, you cross with an animal at a certain point.

00:03:20.120 A lot of humans cross with an animal.

00:03:22.840 And for a lot of Asian...

00:03:25.180 For a lot of Asian, that's catfish. 0.96

00:03:30.160 You see that guy, you know.

00:03:33.400 But yeah, I'd never been to a church before...

00:03:36.180 Where I had seen Asians... 1.00

00:03:41.240 Multiple Asian...

00:03:43.940 Doing...

00:03:44.880 Singing church hymns.

00:03:47.800 And it was pretty cool, man.

00:03:49.520 It just shows you that...

00:03:52.080 That everybody can sing, you know.

00:03:55.880 And that there's a...

00:03:56.640 That everybody, no matter what ethnicity or culture...

00:03:59.240 That they all can sing...

00:04:03.020 Songs of faith...

00:04:05.180 And have, you know...

00:04:06.100 And be excited and stuff like that...

00:04:08.060 And be at church.

00:04:08.880 I remember...

00:04:09.900 I can't remember the song now...

00:04:11.660 But it was like...

00:04:12.800 Do you see the baby?

00:04:19.960 Do you see the baby?

00:04:22.200 And they had a big screen in there...

00:04:25.840 And they'd have a picture of a...

00:04:27.640 You know, the three wise men...

00:04:30.200 Going to get...

00:04:31.560 Jesus Christ out of the...

00:04:34.200 Sandcastle.

00:04:36.400 So...

00:04:37.980 Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is...

00:04:40.320 Happy Mother's Day.

00:04:42.660 I want to say that out there...

00:04:44.180 To every type of mother.

00:04:45.300 Every...

00:04:46.800 Every mother.

00:04:48.380 There's a lot of you...

00:04:51.380 There's a lot of you listening right now.

00:04:54.880 And you're a mother.

00:04:56.080 You got something, you know.

00:04:58.720 There's no other...

00:04:59.840 That's how...

00:05:00.640 I mean, that's God's peephole, baby.

00:05:03.680 That's how God looks out into the world.

00:05:05.780 Through a mother.

00:05:10.120 That...

00:05:10.560 I mean, you are the...

00:05:11.380 You are the liaison...

00:05:15.020 Between...

00:05:15.380 You know, you're the on-ramp...

00:05:19.540 Between the Lord...

00:05:22.200 And earth.

00:05:25.540 You got that on-ramp.

00:05:28.860 You got that thoroughfare.

00:05:33.200 You know, you got that...

00:05:34.480 You know...

00:05:35.380 You got that yum tunnel on you.

00:05:40.380 And that's how God...

00:05:41.840 But God...

00:05:42.240 That's how God serves them.

00:05:43.560 That's how He serves the world.

00:05:49.140 You know...

00:05:49.860 You're...

00:05:50.260 A woman's body... 1.00

00:05:51.400 A woman's... 1.00

00:05:52.280 Vainye...

00:05:53.720 However they say it out there...

00:05:57.000 In some of these other continents...

00:05:58.300 The vainye...

00:05:59.720 That's how the...

00:06:01.020 You know...

00:06:04.780 That's how...

00:06:05.780 That's how the Lord...

00:06:08.180 You know...

00:06:08.720 That's how He just...

00:06:11.180 Puts people on earth.

00:06:16.260 That's God's last hand.

00:06:17.960 That's His last...

00:06:18.800 That's His...

00:06:19.240 That's how He reaches out into the world.

00:06:21.880 Through a woman. 0.98

00:06:22.960 Through a mother.

00:06:25.180 That's really fascinating.

00:06:26.700 If I told you there was a portal...

00:06:33.080 Right?

00:06:34.220 Say I come up to you.

00:06:36.740 You're sitting somewhere...

00:06:37.820 You're having a sandwich or something.

00:06:39.020 You're having a little...

00:06:40.640 Cut of meat...

00:06:41.480 Cut of...

00:06:42.080 Cheese.

00:06:46.020 You know...

00:06:46.520 You're having a cut of meat...

00:06:47.540 Cut of cheese...

00:06:48.280 Two breads.

00:06:50.140 You know what it is.

00:06:51.440 A sandwich.

00:06:53.460 Say you're having that.

00:06:54.480 You're sitting on a little riverbank or something.

00:06:56.160 I come up to you.

00:06:59.120 I say...

00:06:59.840 Hey buddy...

00:07:00.540 I'm going to tell you where there's a portal...

00:07:04.540 Where you can go into another realm.

00:07:09.980 You'd be...

00:07:10.660 You'd be there in a heartbeat.

00:07:14.380 Well that's what a...

00:07:15.260 That's what a mother... 1.00

00:07:16.060 Mother...

00:07:16.640 That's the only way.

00:07:18.420 The only way...

00:07:20.540 To get from the brain of God...

00:07:25.540 Of the...

00:07:26.660 Of the powers that be...

00:07:29.220 Of mother nature and father time...

00:07:33.720 The only portal...

00:07:36.040 Is through a dang... 0.89

00:07:39.220 Woman.

00:07:40.760 A mother.

00:07:41.220 A mother. 1.00

00:07:43.920 Or this bitch... 1.00

00:07:45.400 As some people call her. 1.00

00:07:46.380 I don't...

00:07:46.800 You know...

00:07:47.660 I don't say that.

00:07:48.520 But anyway...

00:07:50.580 I just want to...

00:07:51.000 Yeah...

00:07:51.140 I want to wish everybody a happy Mother's Day.

00:07:53.020 You know...

00:07:53.700 You know...

00:07:56.400 Sometimes I think that...

00:07:57.700 People are just ideas.

00:08:03.740 They're like...

00:08:04.540 Like what if God had an idea?

00:08:06.520 Right?

00:08:06.760 And I say God in the...

00:08:08.040 In the...

00:08:08.840 You can...

00:08:09.980 Whatever God you want.

00:08:11.200 It can be...

00:08:13.740 Everybody...

00:08:14.660 I have my...

00:08:15.860 You can have your own God.

00:08:21.240 But I think of people sometimes as like an idea of God.

00:08:25.260 Like...

00:08:25.840 Say you have an idea.

00:08:26.900 Right?

00:08:27.100 An idea kind of comes in...

00:08:28.820 It comes into...

00:08:29.880 Like...

00:08:30.260 It comes out of kind of nowhere.

00:08:31.760 Right?

00:08:33.180 Like if you have an idea in your head...

00:08:36.200 It comes out of nowhere.

00:08:37.560 And some...

00:08:40.660 Some ideas there...

00:08:41.740 They do...

00:08:42.380 They...

00:08:42.840 They stick around...

00:08:45.180 They...

00:08:45.720 They turn into something.

00:08:49.980 You know...

00:08:50.700 Some ideas...

00:08:51.500 They make a difference.

00:08:52.520 They...

00:08:53.060 Some ideas really get turned into something...

00:08:55.260 And can adjust the world.

00:08:56.640 Can...

00:08:57.200 Can change things.

00:08:59.740 Can adjust a fan...

00:09:00.800 Can adjust something small...

00:09:02.360 Or as big as the whole world.

00:09:03.700 You know...

00:09:04.700 Ideas...

00:09:05.920 They can...

00:09:06.700 You don't know how big an idea can be...

00:09:10.660 Or how far an idea can go.

00:09:12.440 Right?

00:09:13.900 If we have an idea.

00:09:16.540 So sometimes I think that humans...

00:09:18.420 They're just ideas...

00:09:20.300 Of God really.

00:09:21.660 You know...

00:09:22.480 It's like we show up in the existence.

00:09:26.620 We have a purpose sometimes.

00:09:29.340 Sometimes we don't.

00:09:31.660 Sometimes we evaporate and disappear early.

00:09:34.060 You know...

00:09:35.060 Sometimes we stay around for a long time.

00:09:39.780 Sometimes we change our environment.

00:09:44.120 And sometimes we...

00:09:45.100 We can change the world.

00:09:47.200 You know?

00:09:49.220 So...

00:09:49.820 I don't know if this is making sense but...

00:09:53.020 I feel like life...

00:09:54.520 It's like being alive...

00:09:55.580 It's like...

00:09:56.060 We're almost like an idea of God.

00:09:58.120 Like if we have an idea...

00:10:01.060 It comes into fruition...

00:10:02.080 We do things with it.

00:10:03.340 Some of them are really helpful.

00:10:05.140 Some of them kind of come and go.

00:10:08.020 But if God...

00:10:09.040 When God has an idea...

00:10:10.160 That's us.

00:10:10.660 That's a person.

00:10:11.700 We're his idea...

00:10:12.540 We're like ideas of God.

00:10:14.380 We come into life.

00:10:15.760 We meander.

00:10:18.060 Sometimes we have an effect on things.

00:10:20.180 Sometimes we don't.

00:10:21.300 And...

00:10:23.460 And there we go.

00:10:28.360 So...

00:10:28.840 Not sure if that makes sense...

00:10:30.940 But that's something that's just been going on in my head.

00:10:34.520 I'm grateful to be here with you today.

00:10:37.440 I'm grateful to be thinking about mothers.

00:10:44.280 I'm grateful to be thinking about mothers.

00:10:46.880 I got to see my own mother last weekend in Phoenix, Arizona.

00:10:51.060 She came out there and...

00:10:53.600 And we had a nice time.

00:10:57.140 You know, it's been a long journey with my own mother.

00:11:00.220 Getting to know her.

00:11:02.460 And...

00:11:02.780 Since we didn't have a connection when I was young...

00:11:06.000 Getting to have a connection as adults.

00:11:11.460 You know, I talk a lot about that.

00:11:12.920 I'm not going to go into that right now.

00:11:14.380 But it was awesome to get to see her.

00:11:19.620 We got to do the largest show we'd ever done.

00:11:22.480 At the Arizona Financial Center.

00:11:26.120 Dang, bro.

00:11:28.880 Dang.

00:11:29.240 Dang.

00:11:31.500 Dude. 0.84

00:11:33.300 Warm up the Asians, baby. 1.00

00:11:35.080 Because I'll sing about that.

00:11:37.660 Oh, the baby is here.

00:11:42.100 Oh, look at him.

00:11:48.240 That was magical.

00:11:49.600 I want to thank everybody for coming out to that.

00:11:51.380 It's a different type of energy, man.

00:11:52.960 You're out there on the stage and you feel little.

00:11:57.260 God, I feel so little out there.

00:11:59.520 In a club, I feel normal size, regular size, six foot, 182.

00:12:09.520 One arm a little bit shorter than the other.

00:12:13.060 Neither arm.

00:12:16.940 That long.

00:12:18.840 Neither long.

00:12:20.380 Medium arms.

00:12:21.660 It's nothing you notice, but if you know, you know.

00:12:25.480 What was I talking about?

00:12:34.800 Oh, in that big, in that vast of a space, I feel like, I think I almost feel like a bird could come down and just pick me up off the stage.

00:12:43.320 You know, it's almost like you feel like the mouse, you know.

00:12:49.900 Somebody sees a mouse, they shine a light on it.

00:12:53.060 And that's what it's like in there because it's big, it's dark.

00:12:56.320 There's a light on you. 0.93

00:12:58.800 And I'm like, man, a big bird's going to come and damn get me. 0.97

00:13:02.280 God, I don't want that. 0.99

00:13:09.020 I don't want some big, dirty bird picking me up. 0.93

00:13:12.980 But that was incredible.

00:13:15.080 Just thank you guys for just being a part of my life, for wanting to come and see me, wanting to let me see you.

00:13:23.720 You know, or just, I'm just glad we all get to spend our time together.

00:13:30.320 And it's just been really, it's been cool.

00:13:33.960 And I know a lot of people, they want to get to interact more, you know, and we do what we can.

00:13:42.440 But I just want to thank everybody for coming out.

00:13:45.060 We did one show that was in a circle, and that's damn confusing. 0.98

00:13:48.240 I mean, it's like, damn, bro. 0.98

00:13:49.800 The whole time, I feel like I'm performing and asking people for directions, you know, and nobody knows what. 0.98

00:13:56.760 I mean, it just, it was in the round at the Celebrity Theater.

00:14:01.120 And this place looked like a, it looked like a white castle.

00:14:06.520 But like the white castle, like where, you know, where white lived or whatever.

00:14:16.160 You know, it looked like the last white castle, but like the biggest, greatest white castle.

00:14:20.560 It looked like a CEO, where the CEO of white castle would live. 0.99

00:14:24.680 This place, it's in a, just a big parking lot, and there's just a damn castle in it. 0.99

00:14:30.220 But it's just a low castle. 0.98

00:14:31.660 It's just like a short castle.

00:14:33.420 It's a low castle. 0.98

00:14:34.880 Just damn short castling. 0.90

00:14:36.220 So if you got a, you know, this castle, it's like a, you know, short castle. 0.99

00:14:43.220 And you're like, damn, what is this? 0.98

00:14:45.520 But thank you. 0.98

00:14:46.400 I had never done a thing in the circle like that. 0.97

00:14:48.860 So it's, damn, I'm damn dizzy. 0.96

00:14:51.700 You know, halfway through the jokes, I got to hold on the stool or something. 0.98

00:14:55.020 It reminded me of the Gravitron, you know, when you go to the fair as a child.

00:15:04.800 You know, where I lived, you'd go to the fair, and you'd get on the Gravitron.

00:15:14.520 And we'd go over there a day early for 50 cents.

00:15:17.040 They'd let you get on a ride.

00:15:19.840 And you were experimental.

00:15:21.440 You didn't realize it. 1.00

00:15:23.360 You were a damn lab rat. 1.00

00:15:24.740 They were testing to make sure this shit worked and make sure there was no lice on the equipment or whatever. 1.00

00:15:31.860 Because, God damn, boy, you get on one wrong ride, you itch for a month, cuz. 1.00

00:15:39.760 I mean, I swear to God. 1.00

00:15:42.340 I have one, but he had two nipples. 1.00

00:15:44.220 He itched one of them bitches right off, bro. 1.00

00:15:47.500 That's how bad he got. 1.00

00:15:51.360 Body lice. 1.00

00:15:52.240 He's down on one damn nipple, cuz. 1.00

00:15:59.640 Cuz the lice, they need a place to meet up at on the body. 1.00

00:16:03.860 You know, they're just like, they're just like a group of white people at a music festival. 0.80

00:16:10.440 They, every now and then, they gotta meet up somewhere and check on everybody.

00:16:16.600 Where's Rhonda? 0.99

00:16:18.660 How's Ricky? 0.99

00:16:19.860 Oh, damn, where's Donna? 1.00

00:16:21.620 Oh, well, Tammy and them left. 1.00

00:16:24.960 They left.

00:16:26.080 They're gone.

00:16:29.220 So, uh...

00:16:31.220 Lice are like that.

00:16:33.400 They want a place to meet up.

00:16:34.620 And, God forbid, it becomes your wiener or, uh...

00:16:39.280 Or something like that.

00:16:43.600 Or inner wiener.

00:16:45.480 That cooter.

00:16:47.300 That in, that eye dub, baby.

00:16:49.260 That in wiener.

00:16:51.580 Yeah, you know what?

00:16:53.820 Oh, yeah, y'all got that in wiener, don't y'all?

00:16:56.960 Hey, lady, let me see that in wiener. 1.00

00:17:01.000 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:17:02.720 Mama got that in wiener. 1.00

00:17:04.540 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:17:06.700 Welcome to the world, to the baby.

00:17:12.100 We're happy that you're here.

00:17:16.360 I can't remember that Asian church. 1.00

00:17:17.800 Yeah, but thank God they met up on his nipple, dog, and ate that bitch. 1.00

00:17:21.960 Because you get them body lice. 1.00

00:17:23.960 But, um...

00:17:25.860 Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you guys is...

00:17:28.780 Oh... 0.99

00:17:30.060 Yeah, it was like the damn Gravitron. 0.99

00:17:31.640 Like the shape of the place. 0.96

00:17:33.440 And the Gravitron, you'd get over there a day early to the, uh...

00:17:37.040 To the parish fair, the county fair.

00:17:39.680 And you'd pay 50 cents.

00:17:42.440 And it'd let you get on the ride.

00:17:43.940 And the Gravitron, you laid back against the wall.

00:17:46.280 And the whole thing would spin. 0.99

00:17:48.780 The damn thing was spinning. 0.99

00:17:50.460 And it used all the power in the community. 1.00

00:17:54.760 Damn, your mom's blender would damn shut down. 1.00

00:17:57.220 Seven blocks away. 1.00

00:17:59.280 So this bitch could spin. 1.00

00:18:02.240 And it was... 1.00

00:18:03.280 You could hear your, you know...

00:18:05.360 The dad, your dad works at the factory. 1.00

00:18:07.300 That bitch shut down. 1.00

00:18:09.160 Everybody's having power outages. 1.00

00:18:10.740 And right there in the middle of the fairgrounds,

00:18:12.940 the Gravitron is spinning.

00:18:14.720 And then you can't even...

00:18:17.960 You get pushed against the side so much inside,

00:18:21.060 you can't close your mouth or eyes.

00:18:24.040 You're just like,

00:18:24.700 Yeah, I'm having fun. 1.00

00:18:28.020 I'll fuck. 1.00

00:18:30.300 And then the guy running it, 1.00

00:18:32.600 he'd be in the middle.

00:18:34.220 And he was always this rock and roll dude.

00:18:36.780 And you'd be like,

00:18:37.220 Do you want to rock?

00:18:38.840 And one person,

00:18:42.360 you could barely...

00:18:43.240 The centrifugal force was so strong,

00:18:46.520 you could barely get your arm up a little bit like,

00:18:49.000 Yes, I do.

00:18:52.780 And then he'd... 1.00

00:18:53.640 Damn, that guy would show you his damn weaner every time. 1.00

00:18:57.080 That guy was a damn... 1.00

00:18:59.400 He was just a visual pedophile, that guy. 1.00

00:19:03.200 He'd show you that sprout. 0.98

00:19:05.340 That body branch, homie. 1.00

00:19:07.100 You know what I'm talking about?

00:19:08.120 That nut snake, baby.

00:19:11.800 That weaner. 0.99

00:19:14.020 Who damned this? 0.92

00:19:15.420 And you couldn't close your eyes or anything. 0.97

00:19:18.140 Everybody's mouth and eyes were just wide open

00:19:20.440 because you were spinning on the Gravitron.

00:19:23.640 And he just...

00:19:24.400 He didn't do anything, 1.00

00:19:26.320 but he'd show you that bitch. 1.00

00:19:30.820 So, I don't know what we're talking about. 1.00

00:19:32.900 Happy Mother's Day.

00:19:35.420 That's what we're trying to say here.

00:19:38.120 And we're grateful to a lot of beautiful mothers out there.

00:19:43.120 We love you, moms.

00:19:45.240 And thank you for giving us this life,

00:19:49.360 whatever our life is.

00:19:50.700 Now, the tough part is when you're not enjoying your life, you know?

00:19:58.880 To then still find that gratitude to your mother.

00:20:04.240 But, you know, there's no...

00:20:06.440 There's...

00:20:06.880 I don't know when it happened in time that we started to think that life,

00:20:12.020 while it is extremely unique, right?

00:20:15.180 It's extremely unique.

00:20:17.360 It's so rare.

00:20:18.540 You know, Neil deGrasse was on here.

00:20:23.820 And he was talking about the rarity that you exist.

00:20:28.840 The odds that you exist.

00:20:31.120 I mean, you may not...

00:20:33.660 You may hate math,

00:20:35.900 but you are math.

00:20:37.860 You are an equation.

00:20:39.080 You are a...

00:20:40.540 Carry the one...

00:20:41.780 Carry the one million...

00:20:43.380 The odds

00:20:45.100 that we...

00:20:47.720 That you...

00:20:48.820 That I...

00:20:49.320 That any one of us exists.

00:20:51.300 They're astronomical.

00:20:55.200 They're astronomical.

00:20:59.140 But somewhere along the lines,

00:21:01.160 we...

00:21:01.740 You know, we started to think,

00:21:04.000 I guess, that life was supposed to be a comfort...

00:21:07.120 A comfortable thing.

00:21:10.660 And I don't know when that happened.

00:21:12.160 I think that happened for me, too.

00:21:15.740 You know, and maybe some of that is just an American societal...

00:21:21.300 Idea.

00:21:23.660 Since we live in a...

00:21:25.140 And have lived...

00:21:27.300 Historically in one of the more comfortable countries.

00:21:31.500 You know, where we've had a lot of...

00:21:33.700 Blessings and gifts.

00:21:36.060 You know, we've had a lot of...

00:21:37.300 We've had a lot of cash and prizes.

00:21:39.900 We've had a lot of...

00:21:41.360 You know, we have water.

00:21:42.400 We have roofs.

00:21:43.760 We have food.

00:21:45.840 You know, we have our needs met.

00:21:47.300 Um...

00:21:49.300 That we started to just think that life...

00:21:54.920 Uh...

00:21:55.560 Was...

00:21:56.300 Is supposed to be...

00:21:58.820 A comfortable journey.

00:22:01.920 But if you look out through time, man...

00:22:04.180 It is not...

00:22:04.900 It's never really been that.

00:22:08.180 People have battled...

00:22:10.380 Plagues...

00:22:15.300 Lightning...

00:22:17.300 What else?

00:22:23.580 AIDS...

00:22:26.460 Um...

00:22:28.300 Flash flooding...

00:22:33.660 And...

00:22:37.980 Dangerous animals, baby.

00:22:41.660 All of that.

00:22:42.320 Anyway, I get in my head sometimes that it's this...

00:22:45.520 It's supposed to be this comfortable thing.

00:22:48.220 As opposed to that it's supposed to be this journey.

00:22:51.260 It's supposed to be this...

00:22:53.320 Experience...

00:22:56.320 Uh...

00:22:57.820 That doesn't really have any guarantees.

00:23:00.640 You know?

00:23:02.040 Um...

00:23:02.600 And I wish I could look at life more that way.

00:23:08.580 Because I think I wouldn't...

00:23:10.600 Uh...

00:23:10.800 I might have...

00:23:11.600 I might...

00:23:12.300 I wouldn't be...

00:23:14.600 I'd probably find less disappointment in things.

00:23:17.520 If I looked at life more as like...

00:23:19.680 Okay, here I am...

00:23:20.600 I am...

00:23:21.600 On this journey.

00:23:23.800 As opposed to...

00:23:26.600 Why isn't my life going a certain way?

00:23:31.600 It'd be more like...

00:23:33.600 Life...

00:23:34.600 It was never promised to go a certain way.

00:23:40.600 It's just...

00:23:42.120 Life.

00:23:45.000 You know?

00:23:45.900 It's just like an idea.

00:23:47.360 It comes along...

00:23:50.260 It could...

00:23:51.800 Anything can happen to it.

00:23:56.340 So...

00:23:57.180 I'm a little all over the place.

00:24:00.600 Uh...

00:24:01.280 But...

00:24:01.600 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:24:17.640 Shine on me.

00:24:21.980 And I will find a song.

00:24:25.200 I will sing it just for you.

00:24:31.600 And now I've been moving way too fast

00:24:35.840 On a runaway train

00:24:37.240 With a heavy load of my...

00:24:39.040 Pants

00:24:40.960 And these rules are already known

00:24:46.440 Um...

00:24:48.160 Yeah.

00:24:48.720 Good to be here.

00:24:50.680 Uh...

00:24:51.120 Thank you for being a part of my life.

00:24:52.400 Thank you for...

00:24:53.240 Uh...

00:24:53.560 Blessing me with your time today.

00:24:55.600 And we are out here.

00:24:56.680 And we are alive.

00:24:59.080 And this is life.

00:25:01.600 This is what it is.

00:25:04.700 You know?

00:25:05.200 If I can accept life on what it is

00:25:07.060 Where it's at...

00:25:09.040 Then I...

00:25:10.460 I'm in a much...

00:25:11.880 I'm in a much better space usually.

00:25:16.780 You know?

00:25:17.320 If I have to...

00:25:17.880 If I show up with too many expectations...

00:25:21.560 Then I'm gonna...

00:25:22.660 Man...

00:25:22.960 I'm always gonna be...

00:25:26.960 Uh...

00:25:28.040 Disappointed.

00:25:28.680 Disappointed.

00:25:29.560 Disappointed.

00:25:30.680 You know?

00:25:33.320 I'm always gonna be disappointed.

00:25:36.780 But if I can get myself...

00:25:38.120 If I can get myself to be like...

00:25:39.700 Okay.

00:25:39.940 Let's see what's gonna happen...

00:25:41.800 Today.

00:25:42.880 Let's see how it goes.

00:25:45.860 Oh.

00:25:46.200 It's going good.

00:25:47.080 Oh.

00:25:47.300 It's going bad.

00:25:48.400 It's not really going good or bad.

00:25:50.120 It's just going.

00:25:50.880 It's just going.

00:25:50.940 But when I start thinking too much...

00:25:57.740 It's going like this.

00:25:58.900 It's going like that.

00:26:00.080 I need it to go like...

00:26:01.320 It's like...

00:26:02.120 Um...

00:26:03.120 Then I'm almost too attached to it.

00:26:10.460 You know?

00:26:11.060 Whereas if I can sit back...

00:26:12.100 And just watch life kind of happen...

00:26:14.140 And not overreact to it.

00:26:15.920 Just recognize it's always...

00:26:17.700 That's the thing.

00:26:19.400 Life hadn't been tricking anybody.

00:26:21.000 Life's got two hands, bro.

00:26:27.140 And it'll give you some bird seed with one... 0.99

00:26:29.660 And it'll punch a damn... 1.00

00:26:32.180 It'll punch you in the fucking neck with the other. 1.00

00:26:36.100 That's life. 1.00

00:26:38.340 Life will hand you a couple little...

00:26:40.580 Butterscotches, bro.

00:26:43.060 With one hand. 0.98

00:26:45.180 And then while you sucking on them... 1.00

00:26:47.120 Hit you with the other hand. 1.00

00:26:49.780 That's life.

00:26:53.120 Life has always done that.

00:26:55.920 It's that butterscotch...

00:26:57.180 Freaking bad boy, son.

00:27:00.440 It's a James J.

00:27:02.040 Brad Uterscotch.

00:27:04.200 That thing... 0.99

00:27:04.760 It'll punch you while you freaking... 0.95

00:27:06.280 Enjoying some sugar. 0.98

00:27:10.060 But if I...

00:27:10.800 So at a certain point...

00:27:11.580 I gotta know that.

00:27:12.520 I gotta know...

00:27:13.200 Hey...

00:27:13.640 This is what life does.

00:27:18.040 But if I'm so attached...

00:27:19.780 To it...

00:27:20.120 Then I'm gonna do...

00:27:20.840 Then I'm gonna be riding like that too.

00:27:23.840 If I put my saddle on every moment...

00:27:27.580 But if I can just kind of sit in the middle and know...

00:27:31.920 It's gonna be high.

00:27:33.200 It's gonna be low.

00:27:35.160 But I'm gonna ride her, bro.

00:27:36.680 I'm a rider.

00:27:37.420 I'm a rider.

00:27:37.480 Then I don't get caught on the waves and the crevasses.

00:27:43.860 I'm just chumming the boat, man.

00:27:46.060 Yeah, it's gonna be tough here.

00:27:47.480 It's gonna be untoughed here.

00:27:49.820 Let's enjoy the sailing.

00:27:52.580 Let's do some smooth sailing.

00:27:56.460 BetterHelp...

00:27:56.940 I wanna let you know that this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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00:29:02.280 That's BetterH-E-L-P dot com slash Theo.

00:29:07.780 Summer's coming.

00:29:08.940 It's coming fast.

00:29:10.160 Dang.

00:29:10.460 It might have already came on ya.

00:29:14.160 Are you ready to unveil your beach bod?

00:29:16.700 I'm not.

00:29:18.320 But Manscaped is here to ensure your body is ready for the wild.

00:29:22.560 I just used their trimmer and just trimmed up my chest and belly.

00:29:27.860 So, made enough...

00:29:28.740 Got enough hair to make a dang mitten for somebody.

00:29:31.360 For a cold hand.

00:29:33.240 Or a hoof. 1.00

00:29:34.140 Or make a damn hair condom for someone. 0.99

00:29:36.720 It's time to get ready for a hot guy summer by going to Manscaped.com for 20% off and free shipping. 0.98

00:29:42.920 With the code Theo.

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00:30:09.520 That's 20% off and free shipping with the code T-H-E-O at Manscaped.com

00:30:16.820 Trim your hair.

00:30:19.540 Do it well.

00:30:20.240 Do it right.

00:30:21.660 Manscaped.

00:30:22.960 Not trying to pre-chat.

00:30:24.180 You're just trying to share some things.

00:30:26.300 You know, I've been doing a little more meditation recently.

00:30:28.960 And it's been allowing me to have a little bit of space from the attachment to every moment.

00:30:37.540 And that has been nice.

00:30:39.520 It's been nice.

00:30:40.440 Even just a little bit of space has been nice.

00:30:42.940 What's going on with you guys?

00:30:45.800 I want to thank everybody that's came out over there in Phoenix.

00:30:48.160 I'll be seeing everybody in New York this week.

00:30:51.060 New York City.

00:30:54.140 We're trying to put some other shows on the books.

00:30:56.800 We got Edmonton.

00:30:57.800 Edmonton is out there.

00:31:00.100 New dates.

00:31:01.000 That's up now.

00:31:02.240 Or new date.

00:31:03.360 It's going to be outdoors.

00:31:05.360 So no idea what that's going to be like.

00:31:08.160 No idea.

00:31:13.180 But we'll see when we get there.

00:31:15.560 That's what I'm thinking.

00:31:19.140 What's been happening?

00:31:21.380 What's been happening with you?

00:31:23.640 I want to get some voicemails from you guys.

00:31:26.120 Other dates.

00:31:26.840 We're looking at Australia and the UK.

00:31:30.940 We're looking to try to figure those out right now.

00:31:36.060 So man, I can't even believe it to get to go back to some of those beautiful places.

00:31:39.900 And just thank you so much.

00:31:44.340 Thank you for wanting me to come, you know, physically, you know, or, you know, to show up.

00:31:58.460 You know, I'm just, I'm not talking about eject, eject, eject, ejecting.

00:32:04.680 I'm talking about just showing up and doing work.

00:32:07.000 Um, what's going on, man?

00:32:10.820 Yeah.

00:32:11.120 Oh, boy.

00:32:13.800 Happy Mother's Day.

00:32:15.080 You know, we had a lot of different, we had a lot of different mothers in my neighborhood. 0.98

00:32:19.000 My mom was damn high strung. 1.00

00:32:23.680 My God. 1.00

00:32:26.520 She was goddamn, I mean, good God. 1.00

00:32:32.420 My mom, I think she fucking slept on the top of a violin. 1.00

00:32:35.940 That bitch was high strung. 1.00

00:32:37.440 She was, God damn. 1.00

00:32:43.560 My mother had that kind of, if my, my mother, she was, she was tight. 1.00

00:32:48.540 She was wound tight. 0.99

00:32:50.660 If she turned her neck, one of her arms would go up to beat the shit out of somebody. 1.00

00:32:56.020 See, that's just how she was built. 1.00

00:32:57.380 Just like one of those old toys you get, like as a kid back in the day, they'd have a toy.

00:33:03.140 And if you turn, like, if you moved its leg, then, then, then the arm would, it was double.

00:33:10.940 It was ambidextral.

00:33:12.860 So you move, you know, you moved its neck, one of its arms would go up.

00:33:18.540 And you moved its leg and then the other arm, it would just, you couldn't move one part without another part.

00:33:25.540 That's how my mom was. 0.99

00:33:29.280 She just had, she was wound up. 0.98

00:33:33.140 If she sneezed, she'd beat the fuck out of something. 1.00

00:33:35.620 She just, you know, she, it was just, my mother was wound up, boy. 0.97

00:33:39.640 They had all kinds of moms in our neighborhood. 1.00

00:33:43.760 We had this one lady, she would, she drank, boy. 0.99

00:33:48.700 She drank and she ate, uh, Christmas candies year round.

00:33:54.740 She ate Christmas candies year round. 1.00

00:34:00.340 This bitch was eating Christmas candies year round, boy, year round. 1.00

00:34:05.720 And first, if that ain't the most sinful thing, seeing somebody suck on a piece of Christmas candy, dude, 1.00

00:34:13.260 in this damn June, what's going on? 0.99

00:34:15.920 God, the devil's out here selling sugar. 1.00

00:34:22.300 And she was naughty, bro. 0.76

00:34:23.820 She had a Trans Am, I remember.

00:34:25.820 She had like a sports car. 0.94

00:34:27.060 And she would, she drank a lot.

00:34:35.460 She would drink a lot.

00:34:36.660 And I remember she'd lay out on the car, she would lay on the hood of that car, dude.

00:34:40.100 She'd drive, she'd go drive it a couple times and then she'd lay on the hood of it while it was still warm.

00:34:45.740 It's right, there's three apartments down from us. 1.00

00:34:48.920 She'd lay on that bitch. 1.00

00:34:52.940 And she would just kind of just, like, she'd say, I want you, what would she say? 1.00

00:34:58.660 I want you.

00:35:00.700 She'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:10.700 And then she drank a little, take a sip of her drink.

00:35:13.960 It was usually a, uh, Corona.

00:35:18.920 And she'd say, I want you to hear me feel.

00:35:24.060 And she would just, yeah, yeah.

00:35:28.080 She would howl a little.

00:35:31.960 God, boy. 1.00

00:35:34.580 And her damn legs would look all wet. 1.00

00:35:37.320 I mean, I don't even know what was going on. 1.00

00:35:41.260 God, that lady was, she was fucking wild, boy. 1.00

00:35:45.120 And somebody, she said that she had barrettes on her, uh, on the hair outside of her cooter. 1.00

00:36:00.180 I want you to hear me feel, she would say that shit, laying on that warm engine. 0.99

00:36:07.240 Um, what else? 1.00

00:36:09.080 We had another, we had something, this, my buddy had a thick mom. 0.98

00:36:11.860 She was damn thick, boy. 1.00

00:36:13.500 God damn, dude. 1.00

00:36:16.420 She looked like she made out of damn bread, you know. 1.00

00:36:21.260 Like, when you saw her, you just wanted to damn, just put some jelly on that bitch. 1.00

00:36:27.120 You just want to damn put some jelly on that bitch. 1.00

00:36:30.720 And enjoy yourself. 1.00

00:36:32.720 God damn, boy. 1.00

00:36:34.060 I'll put that bitch in the oven, son. 1.00

00:36:38.620 And her, their whole house smelled like biscuits. 1.00

00:36:43.980 And they had a mixed child over there, too.

00:36:49.200 And the mama, she always wore kind of hospital clothes, even though she wasn't in the hospital.

00:36:55.460 I guess she was just ready, because eventually they took her in and she passed away.

00:37:00.720 She had, uh, blood pressure or something.

00:37:02.980 I don't know. 0.99

00:37:04.360 Just, damn, salt in her blood or something. 1.00

00:37:07.540 Damn biscuit blood or something had happened to her. 1.00

00:37:09.680 She was, god damn, boy. 1.00

00:37:12.500 She was beautiful. 0.99

00:37:15.880 And then, they had another buddy of mine had a, his mom was, mm, she was, God, she was beautiful.

00:37:25.600 She was beautiful, man.

00:37:27.280 I'd go over there and I'd hide in their clothes hamper.

00:37:30.720 I'd hide in there.

00:37:36.420 And I would smell her, uh, braziers.

00:37:41.500 I'd, god, I would just, I wanted her to be my mother.

00:37:46.240 I would put my, I would get those things and put them on my, just, I would just, just huffing cups, baby.

00:37:56.700 I just wanted to just inhale the scent of that woman until it landed in my DNA, man.

00:38:06.420 I wanted her to be my mother that much.

00:38:08.960 I remember that.

00:38:14.280 I remember that.

00:38:15.460 Um, I can barely see. 0.98

00:38:19.720 These sunglasses are damn, they want it all to stop, sun, everything. 0.93

00:38:23.660 But let's get a couple of, uh, calls that came in here. 0.98

00:38:29.440 The hotline is always, 985-664-9503.

00:38:37.540 Um, I do want to update you that me and David Spades are still trying to get a movie made, which would be insane, boy.

00:38:45.460 I don't know if that'll happen.

00:38:47.800 We're trying, uh, a lot of these studios and stuff.

00:38:51.880 They're not giving it a, they don't, there's no, um, we haven't had any luck on the traditional route.

00:39:02.000 You know, I think there's a big, they don't want to see, uh, something like that.

00:39:08.180 They don't want to see that kind of, they don't want two guys. 0.99

00:39:10.440 They don't want, I don't think, two white guys having a good time, to be real honest with you.

00:39:18.300 And some of that might be a little jaded, but I can't understand why they wouldn't jump at the opportunity for, for the film.

00:39:26.900 I mean, I, well, I mean, I don't have a lot of experience.

00:39:28.740 I don't have any experience.

00:39:29.600 Let's be honest with you, boy.

00:39:30.600 I don't have any experience.

00:39:32.360 Hey, you got experience?

00:39:33.840 I don't.

00:39:34.680 I don't have any.

00:39:35.540 And the baby came from the sky, oh, God.

00:39:43.540 Um, but this is David down spades, bro.

00:39:48.700 Call a spades a spades, baby. 0.95

00:39:51.000 That's him.

00:39:53.360 That's Tommy boy's brother, dog. 0.99

00:39:58.260 So, that's Joe damn dirt, bro. 0.99

00:40:01.820 His parents left him at the Grand Canyon, and now he's a movie star. 1.00

00:40:10.020 So, that shit just makes me want to fucking juggle my own dick, buddy. 1.00

00:40:19.040 So, I don't know. 1.00

00:40:19.860 We're trying to find an alternative method to get it made.

00:40:23.020 I might hit up a rich friend or something and see if they'll put some finance in.

00:40:27.480 I don't know.

00:40:28.760 But I just wanted to update you on that.

00:40:30.200 But, um, what else?

00:40:33.120 I watched the UFC this weekend.

00:40:34.700 I enjoyed it.

00:40:36.440 I was bummed that Bryce Mitchell didn't fight.

00:40:40.720 But, you know, you got to take care of yourself.

00:40:42.620 That's important.

00:40:44.160 And, uh, anyway, as always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.

00:40:53.100 What's up to you?

00:40:54.120 Gage from Pittsburgh.

00:40:55.940 What's up, Gage?

00:40:57.920 And, uh, Pittsburgh as well.

00:40:59.820 I like it.

00:41:00.820 I've been there.

00:41:01.920 Got pink eye over there.

00:41:04.300 You know what I'm saying?

00:41:05.160 Got a little bit of downtime in my uptime.

00:41:08.320 You feel me?

00:41:09.640 Onward, brother.

00:41:11.220 I'm having my third kid in August.

00:41:13.340 I got two girls already. 1.00

00:41:14.360 I'm hoping for a boy.

00:41:15.460 I'm doing a gender reveal party.

00:41:17.140 I want to know, how would Theo Vaughn do it?

00:41:21.020 Gang, gang, baby.

00:41:23.060 Praise, brother.

00:41:23.840 I appreciate you asking me.

00:41:24.980 And congratulations on that third, buddy.

00:41:27.660 Congratulations on that.

00:41:29.060 Bringing something into the world.

00:41:30.440 An idea.

00:41:32.200 A human idea.

00:41:34.360 What can happen?

00:41:34.980 I think this is how I would do it.

00:41:41.400 I'd get you mommy and daddy out there.

00:41:43.880 Get you mommy and daddy.

00:41:45.320 Right?

00:41:45.800 Your parents or her parents.

00:41:48.080 I'd get you a four-wheeler.

00:41:50.200 Okay?

00:41:50.520 And I'd run you a thing of rope from the back of the four-wheeler to each one of the parents to their pants.

00:42:01.420 To the front of their pants.

00:42:03.340 And they're wearing pants only.

00:42:05.020 Each parent.

00:42:05.640 Pants only.

00:42:06.960 No unders.

00:42:08.920 No unders.

00:42:12.040 And then you tie it, whichever it is, male or female.

00:42:15.920 If it's male, the new baby, you tie it, you tie the knot tight onto the front of your dad's pants. 0.98

00:42:23.780 And if it's female, you tie it tight onto the front of your mom's pants. 1.00

00:42:30.300 And whichever one it isn't, you leave it loose.

00:42:32.360 But you still make it look like it's up by their waist.

00:42:34.900 Right?

00:42:35.100 You tuck it into their waist or whatever.

00:42:36.640 So nobody would know the difference.

00:42:37.880 And then you say, okay, one, two, three, male or female or whatever they do.

00:42:46.880 You know, let me see, you know, move that, whatever, gender, whatever they say. 0.88

00:42:53.460 Right?

00:42:53.880 And let's see the winner or whatever, you know, or whatever they say.

00:42:59.420 I don't know how you guys do it.

00:43:00.740 Right? 0.96

00:43:01.060 And that's a crotch. 0.92

00:43:03.500 Okay. 0.81

00:43:03.960 So here's what I'm saying, man, is that then you floor that four-wheeler and whoever it is, if it's male or female, it rips the pants off of the adult. 1.00

00:43:22.760 Now that's some fucking shit right there, boy. 1.00

00:43:27.160 That's it. 1.00

00:43:27.580 So then you're really revealing somebody's gender.

00:43:30.520 You're revealing two genders.

00:43:32.000 You're saying, hey, the baby's going to be this.

00:43:34.940 And we're also making sure that your parents are appropriately crotched by God.

00:43:42.220 Because imagine, well, you ripped them pantalones off mom. 1.00

00:43:47.400 And she got that hog on her boy. 1.00

00:43:53.260 She got that little worker, boy. 1.00

00:43:56.080 She got that little semen snout on her boy. 1.00

00:44:01.260 Everybody be damn shocked. 1.00

00:44:02.580 That's a double gender reveal. 1.00

00:44:04.620 Then she's going to have a new granddaughter. 0.68

00:44:06.580 And you're going to have a new father.

00:44:10.400 So that's how I would do it, man.

00:44:11.900 But what do I know?

00:44:14.400 Nothing.

00:44:16.280 Nothing.

00:44:18.260 All right.

00:44:18.820 Let's take another call right here.

00:44:19.940 Hey, Theo.

00:44:20.980 My name's Riley.

00:44:21.840 I just got a simple question.

00:44:23.640 What do you think of my car?

00:44:24.940 It's a 2012 Suzuki SX4 hatchback.

00:44:28.680 That's all I wanted to know.

00:44:30.520 Gang, gang.

00:44:31.560 Gang, baby. 0.75

00:44:32.200 Thank you, Riley, for calling in on that auto.

00:44:39.580 Fiscally, I don't know much about it.

00:44:41.080 You know, you need to look up in Kelly Blue Book.

00:44:43.760 Or get you on the website or something.

00:44:45.420 Edmunds or something.

00:44:45.980 I don't know.

00:44:47.860 You know, we used to have that Kelly Blue Book.

00:44:49.560 And we'd look on there.

00:44:51.380 And see, oh, wow. 1.00

00:44:52.660 My car is a piece of shit, I remember realizing. 1.00

00:44:56.200 Wasn't even in there. 1.00

00:44:58.260 The value of this damn wasn't even in there. 0.99

00:45:01.000 God. 0.99

00:45:02.620 But I love that.

00:45:04.240 It's a Kia Sorento, huh?

00:45:06.220 Is that what you said?

00:45:07.480 What do you think of my car?

00:45:08.660 It's a 2012 Suzuki SX4 hatchback.

00:45:11.600 Okay, different.

00:45:13.000 That's all I wanted to know.

00:45:14.060 Suzuki.

00:45:14.640 Gang, gang.

00:45:16.060 Yeah, we used to have a brother by us that grew up by us.

00:45:19.760 And they called him Suzuki Leg.

00:45:24.440 And I don't know why.

00:45:28.640 I don't know what happened or what had.

00:45:30.180 Something had happened to his leg.

00:45:31.500 I think he'd.

00:45:34.340 Well, I know what happened.

00:45:35.320 His brother had burned down their garage.

00:45:38.440 His brother had locked him in a garage or something and burned it down.

00:45:42.840 And part of his leg got grilled out a little.

00:45:46.000 And for some reason, they call him Suzuki Leg over there.

00:45:52.060 And I don't know why.

00:45:55.320 I'll have to go back and ask somebody.

00:45:56.960 But I remember that.

00:45:57.980 But yeah, look.

00:45:58.460 That's a beautiful car.

00:45:59.280 He said 2012.

00:46:00.420 2012 was a great year, man.

00:46:03.140 That was when the Russians ended that.

00:46:09.480 They had a beefing issue with the UK.

00:46:14.200 Remember, they wouldn't let the beef in from the UK.

00:46:16.480 And that's when the Russians, they ended that. 0.92

00:46:20.960 Is that an embargo?

00:46:22.440 What is an embargo?

00:46:23.460 Let me see.

00:46:27.080 An embargo.

00:46:27.580 An official band or trade.

00:46:29.640 On trade.

00:46:30.420 Yep.

00:46:31.200 The Russians. 0.71

00:46:31.960 That's 2012.

00:46:32.680 They ended that embargo.

00:46:34.040 That beef embargo.

00:46:35.240 They had that meat embargo going on.

00:46:38.300 They didn't want that beef coming in from Britain.

00:46:42.480 They didn't want that British beef.

00:46:44.340 And so, they ended it.

00:46:47.360 But at that point, it was unlimited Russian beef was allowed in.

00:46:51.820 No, unlimited British beef was allowed in Russia. 0.99

00:46:55.120 And people were damn fucking throwing loins at each other. 1.00

00:46:59.280 You'd see a man just beating his wife with a damn London broil over there in Russia. 1.00

00:47:07.040 You know, just God. 1.00

00:47:08.300 Just, you know, just whipping it. 1.00

00:47:11.300 You just, you'd see somebody whipping their child with a damn backstrap. 0.99

00:47:16.280 You know, it was damn beautiful. 0.99

00:47:21.140 But that's, yeah.

00:47:22.420 Because I used to work in meat.

00:47:24.120 I used to do door-to-door meat work.

00:47:26.040 I used to do door-to-door meat work.

00:47:30.520 We would do, you know, where you'd knock on people's door and sell them the meat right there.

00:47:37.800 And people want to, look, people, there's something about meat.

00:47:43.680 People want it.

00:47:44.560 People want it.

00:47:50.340 People want meat.

00:47:51.420 Baby, they want it.

00:47:53.200 And if you show up at somebody's house and you're like, guess what?

00:47:56.400 And they're like, what? 0.99

00:47:57.140 And you're like, I got some fucking meat right here. 0.99

00:48:00.080 Some, a decent amount of people want it. 1.00

00:48:03.300 Now, some vegans will call you a queer or whatever.

00:48:07.020 You know?

00:48:08.480 But that's them.

00:48:13.940 Anyway.

00:48:14.600 Sorry, I'm rambling, man.

00:48:15.400 Let's get back into it.

00:48:16.520 But yeah.

00:48:17.200 I used to do door-to-door meat.

00:48:18.400 It was truck-to-table right there.

00:48:20.560 And we would sell it to people right there.

00:48:24.140 You know?

00:48:24.860 It was, you know.

00:48:26.900 It was freezer-to-table.

00:48:28.260 I don't know what it was. 1.00

00:48:29.060 But it was, we'd sell that shit right out the truck. 0.99

00:48:32.000 In different neighborhoods, you'd hit, you know, you'd knock and tell them you had different stuff. 1.00

00:48:35.840 Ribs, bro.

00:48:36.480 If you was in some of the urban neighborhood, you'd be like, hey, guess what?

00:48:41.080 We're ribbing around over here, you know?

00:48:45.160 I'm driving that rib rover.

00:48:47.580 You feel me?

00:48:48.180 We ribbed up.

00:48:49.640 Who want these ribs? 1.00

00:48:51.820 So, praise God.

00:48:53.260 Happy Mother's Day.

00:48:55.620 You know, the sun is, it's God, it's violent.

00:48:59.680 Look at what the sun can do.

00:49:01.660 Burn a hole in a leaf if you have a magnifying glass.

00:49:05.640 It's killing ant.

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00:50:19.860 You know, I was in a car accident probably about four years ago.

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00:50:34.440 It was more of a J and I was at the end of the J and I got just jacked up.

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00:52:11.440 All right, let's take another call here.

00:52:13.840 Here we go.

00:52:17.700 Hey, Theo, man.

00:52:19.580 I just wanted to call and say, man, it's been rough.

00:52:22.520 I've had a pretty rough couple of years.

00:52:25.080 And I've been watching you for a long time.

00:52:29.160 And you're just hilarious, man.

00:52:30.940 And I just find you so funny.

00:52:32.140 And I was watching some clips on YouTube.

00:52:35.540 One of them was you just saying that you're proud of me.

00:52:38.940 And that was the first time I've heard that in a long time.

00:52:41.620 So I just wanted to say thank you.

00:52:43.260 And I just wanted to know kind of what you do for support.

00:52:46.380 How do you get support?

00:52:47.320 How do you make yourself feel better?

00:52:48.720 I just want to know.

00:52:49.320 Oh, thanks for the message, brother.

00:52:56.340 Yeah, you know, you might be like me.

00:52:58.120 You might be somebody that didn't hear that when they needed to when they were young, you know.

00:53:03.520 And that's not self-pity.

00:53:04.940 I'm not like, oh, boo-hoo.

00:53:06.960 But the long-term effects of those things are very real.

00:53:10.740 They're very real, man.

00:53:12.240 They're very real.

00:53:14.920 And I'm sorry you're having to deal with these things later in life.

00:53:19.780 But you're not the only person.

00:53:22.500 You know, it's a lot of us that are dealing with this.

00:53:24.640 We kind of late bloomers, you know.

00:53:29.220 And it makes me angry that I have to deal with, I have to deal, I have to meander around these things now,

00:53:35.620 which are things that should have been done for me as a child.

00:53:38.740 It makes me angry, right?

00:53:42.040 But I have to take some action.

00:53:44.360 And that's what we do.

00:53:45.620 We go to, we do therapy.

00:53:47.380 We do different processes.

00:53:48.860 You can do 12-step.

00:53:53.680 You can do ayahuasca.

00:53:54.840 There's different things you can do to help you fill in that space and learn and relearn the things you should have learned as a child

00:54:05.080 or should have known and felt as a child.

00:54:08.380 Me for support.

00:54:09.540 You know, this podcast really, in some ways, has been the one thing that's made me show up for my life every week.

00:54:25.000 You know, if there's one thing I've done in my life that I've committed to and I've done it,

00:54:31.780 it's this.

00:54:33.780 Honestly.

00:54:35.080 So this has been a great thing.

00:54:37.300 My brother has been really great for me.

00:54:39.540 My brother has been really, man.

00:54:54.960 You know, I don't know where I would be without my brother, man.

00:55:04.420 I mean, he had a really tough time when we were kids.

00:55:07.220 He had a really tough time.

00:55:08.520 And, you know, he, uh, and, you know, um, and I was the younger brother, you know, so I came in this need and, you know,

00:55:21.200 you know, and probably what little he was getting that he needed as a child, I came in and cut that in half.

00:55:32.140 You know, uh, but he is just a really interesting and resilient and, um, and powerful force in my life.

00:55:49.040 I go to him.

00:55:50.040 I go to him a lot.

00:55:50.440 We've had a, well, our relationship has built as I've gotten older and as he's got, as we've grown up and it has been a blessing, man.

00:55:58.760 And, you know, you know, my brother's the first person in my life that ever felt like love me just unconditionally, unconditionally.

00:56:06.580 He chose to, he just, you know, he chose, uh, that for me.

00:56:15.720 I had an ex-girlfriend that loved me unconditionally too, actually.

00:56:18.580 Um, I wasn't ready to be, uh, a good, you know, a decent husband or, or a decent boyfriend, but, um, but my brother, I go to my brother.

00:56:34.820 Who else do I go to?

00:56:37.720 He really is the one that, um, you know, he kind of, he's my, he, in some ways he turned into my father too.

00:56:46.640 You know, he had to fill in a lot of roles that we didn't have.

00:56:50.540 Um, and he did it for himself first and then he's been able to extend and help me, uh, when I've needed it.

00:56:58.080 So, so that has been a, just really, man, that's been a blessing.

00:57:02.380 Thank you for asking.

00:57:04.160 All right.

00:57:04.920 We got another video call that came in here.

00:57:06.740 Some of these are video.

00:57:08.380 And for all of these, you can go to TheoVaughn.com and you can, um, there's three ways to communicate with the podcast.

00:57:14.820 You can text, um, those are where we just kind of, uh, respond to sometimes.

00:57:23.380 Um, you can send audio and video and, uh, we listen and watch those.

00:57:29.720 Um, and some of those we'll use for episodes.

00:57:32.560 Uh, thank you.

00:57:34.260 Hi, Theo.

00:57:35.660 My name's Ashley and that is my beautiful, uh, Kane Corso named Abraham.

00:57:45.460 Okay.

00:57:46.320 And hello, Ashley.

00:57:47.340 Thank you for, uh, checking in here.

00:57:49.100 Nice to see you.

00:57:49.920 And you got that animal too.

00:57:51.320 You got that, uh, you got that dark, that, uh, that dark animal in the back seat onward.

00:57:57.660 My question is about, uh, whether or not Theo has any words of encouragement or just thoughts about having to re-home a pet.

00:58:07.280 Um, I'll actually be moving from South Carolina to Covington, Louisiana in June.

00:58:14.800 Um, so, uh, I have to re-home her.

00:58:18.580 I can't take her with me just logistics wise.

00:58:21.540 So I wanted to know what your thoughts were about that.

00:58:25.320 Well, thank you.

00:58:26.420 Yeah.

00:58:26.620 Look, I, I think if you're going to bring an animal down to Louisiana, we'll, we, that's good.

00:58:32.580 That's an animal place, man.

00:58:34.940 Name 70 animals.

00:58:36.240 I bet you a lot of them are right there in Louisiana if you do.

00:58:43.200 Um, yeah, I mean, I grew up in the stray animal belt over there.

00:58:46.880 And so I don't know a ton about dogs.

00:58:49.940 I believe in them.

00:58:50.940 I've seen them my whole life, you know, um, the area I grew up in a lot of stray animals.

00:58:57.080 I mean, we had stray, everything was stray. 0.97

00:58:59.760 I mean, from the damn birds to, uh, this, hell, this one family down the street, you'd catch 0.99

00:59:07.840 a damn, that daughter drinking, not the ditch. 1.00

00:59:11.420 Uh, but we had a lot of stray animals come through, you know? 1.00

00:59:18.520 And so I don't have, the first time I ever saw a dog in a home, it was, it blew my mind.

00:59:26.240 I mean, this beautiful blonde haired, blue, a brown eyed animal. 0.99

00:59:31.160 I'm like, God damn, that thing's fine as hell, boy. 1.00

00:59:36.140 That thing's fine as hell. 1.00

00:59:37.560 I'm about to fucking grill that thing up over at the Asian church, you feel me? 1.00

00:59:41.600 Oh, don't you love us, Lord, we love you. 0.98

00:59:48.520 What was I talking about?

00:59:50.560 Yeah, so I don't have much experience on, uh, re-homing animals, but, but it's obvious

00:59:56.480 you care about the animal, you're going to find it a good home.

00:59:59.500 And I think just welcome to Covington, Louisiana.

01:00:02.640 You know, it's a great place, it's a warm place.

01:00:06.500 Um, there's a lot of good people.

01:00:08.800 Uh, it's a good place to raise a child.

01:00:15.240 It's a good place to be a mom. 0.97

01:00:18.040 Um, there's a strong sense of community over there, and, uh, I'm sure you will like it.

01:00:24.380 It's a great place to have an imagination.

01:00:25.800 And I'm thankful to that place, uh, for just giving me a tapestry to be on as a, uh, as

01:00:35.000 I pass through time here.

01:00:36.800 Yeah, I don't know.

01:00:37.600 We had a stray animal. 1.00

01:00:38.540 I mean, I got bit by, you know, I mean, damn, I got bit by so many fucking dogs. 1.00

01:00:43.540 God, them bitches would fucking bite me. 1.00

01:00:46.920 I thought there was something in me. 1.00

01:00:48.220 I thought I had a damn pork loin in me or something. 1.00

01:00:50.700 Um, you know, I thought, you know, God was hiding bacon in my ass or something. 1.00

01:00:56.740 Them dogs would fucking latch on to me. 1.00

01:01:01.220 So, anyway, good luck to you, and congratulations on the move. 0.99

01:01:06.580 All right, let's take one more call, and, um, yeah, let's see what we got.

01:01:11.240 As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.

01:01:15.540 Um, here we go.

01:01:18.360 Hey, Theo, um, my name is Danielle.

01:01:23.120 I live on the west side of Michigan.

01:01:26.100 Um, Great Lakes, great times, that murder mitten, you know? 0.66

01:01:30.440 Yeah, baby, that murder mitten. 0.67

01:01:32.280 That's it. 0.92

01:01:32.720 If you want to get murdered, and you want to hear Kid Rock blasting in the background while 0.97

01:01:37.540 you do it, you got to go to Michigan, buddy. 0.98

01:01:40.440 And enjoy yourself.

01:01:41.960 Onward?

01:01:42.240 You know, um, but anyways, I just got, uh, pulled in a little early, uh, to this, you

01:01:49.340 know, program that I'm participating in, and I just wanted to touch base.

01:01:53.180 I was listening to you, you know, on my drive-in this morning, and recently you've just been

01:01:58.580 talking a lot about, like, taking time for yourself.

01:02:01.060 Like, you know, prioritizing, like, life moves real quickly, and, um, you know, that's, that's

01:02:09.260 true.

01:02:10.420 And, uh, I recently made the decision to, um, you know, take some time off for myself and,

01:02:18.980 and get some therapy and some medication to kind of battle the dark arts in my heart, in

01:02:26.320 my soul, in my mind.

01:02:28.420 Uh, you know, um, we're out here, man.

01:02:33.220 We're doing it.

01:02:34.180 And, you know, I'm a career person.

01:02:36.240 I'm a mom.

01:02:37.360 I'm a wife.

01:02:38.640 You know, I got a lot of responsibility.

01:02:40.780 But, you know, at the end of the day, I had to make the decision to, uh, help myself, you

01:02:48.800 know, uh, cause what's the cost if you don't, right?

01:02:52.220 So.

01:02:53.800 Amen.

01:02:55.260 Danielle, thank you for the call, and happy Mother's Day to you.

01:02:59.260 Um, and yeah, I'm, uh, you know, mothers are the real, they're the real worst, they, 0.83

01:03:09.700 they're the, you know, mother, they get it all.

01:03:18.940 They get, they're the, you know, it's a lot of, they're the toll booth.

01:03:25.120 They're the on ramp.

01:03:29.000 It's a lot of responsibility. 0.99

01:03:30.840 You're running around with a damn portal between the heavens and existence and the world. 0.99

01:03:42.960 Yeah. 0.99

01:03:44.660 I'm sure it is stressful. 0.99

01:03:47.320 Dear God, I can't even make it through a damn toll booth. 1.00

01:03:50.620 If I don't have the change right, I fucking lose my shit. 0.99

01:03:53.120 So to be carrying a, you know, a portal to be in everything that just get, you're, you're 1.00

01:04:03.100 like that.

01:04:03.520 You're the Greyhound station of the Lord.

01:04:09.420 And you know how much things get left at a Greyhound?

01:04:13.360 All kind of this than that and old jacket. 0.97

01:04:15.940 Somebody left a damn, uh, uh, oven mitt over there and half a milk. 0.99

01:04:23.780 Dude, I saw a sister drinking a can of damn Similac one time. 0.99

01:04:28.840 Calling somebody a homo on the phone once at Philadelphia over there by the bus, by the Greyhound. 1.00

01:04:34.440 So it's all kind of shit. 1.00

01:04:37.500 You know, and being a mom, being all that, there's a lot coming at you. 1.00

01:04:43.420 You're a, you're the, you're the nucleus, really, of the family, really, in a lot of

01:04:50.880 ways, a lot passing through you.

01:04:54.180 And there's a lot that's been going on in history.

01:04:56.320 You know, I think so many things happened over the past centuries, wars and battles and

01:05:04.920 love and loss.

01:05:06.720 And only now in the present society, really, are we really at a place where we've come

01:05:14.800 up kind of for air, where all of our needs are kind of met, where we can look at our

01:05:21.580 emotions, see what's going on, how we feel, what's happening.

01:05:24.680 And it makes perfect sense to take time and clean your mirror.

01:05:40.220 So I'm proud of you. 0.98

01:05:43.120 Yeah, look, even NASCAR, they put them, dude, they do nine laps and pull them bitches in the 1.00

01:05:48.580 shop. 0.84

01:05:48.920 And those are the most greatest cars on earth.

01:05:57.720 So it makes sense that we take time to take care of ourselves.

01:06:02.020 It makes sense that we find ways to be happy and take care of ourselves.

01:06:05.700 So I'm proud of you.

01:06:07.360 I don't think there's anything.

01:06:11.300 Yeah.

01:06:11.860 Look, this is your time.

01:06:12.860 It's mother.

01:06:13.280 This mother's week is your time.

01:06:14.900 So, yeah, you take care of yourself.

01:06:18.640 Take all the time that you need.

01:06:23.480 Yeah, it's important.

01:06:24.380 We have to take care.

01:06:25.560 Yeah, if you don't have yourself, what do you have?

01:06:29.920 Sometimes I find I'm hurrying for what?

01:06:37.000 I've always felt like that in my life.

01:06:38.840 I've got to hurry, get this done so I can.

01:06:42.080 But there's not a thing.

01:06:44.900 There's never a thing that I'm hurt.

01:06:47.340 It's like somebody's fired a gun at a starting line a long time ago, and I've just been going.

01:06:53.800 So take time to take care of yourself.

01:07:00.780 Play girl, we doing good.

01:07:02.560 What else?

01:07:03.080 Not much, dude.

01:07:04.680 Shaved my chest the other day, feeling okay about that, a little nervous about it. 0.97

01:07:11.200 You know, my tits don't look exactly like I would like, but that's God. 0.92

01:07:15.280 That's what he's doing. 0.99

01:07:17.160 You know, one of my tits looks like a little bit of like a melt, like somebody put a scoop of ice cream, 1.00

01:07:21.360 but it's just starting to melt a little. 0.99

01:07:24.560 So, but hey, who don't love a little bit of sweet cream?

01:07:30.580 Can I have some?

01:07:31.740 I want to thank you guys.

01:07:35.200 I want to thank you mothers for being mothers.

01:07:40.160 We're going to go out this kind of a sad song, but I used to listen to this song a lot when I needed to process feelings of connection that I didn't have with my own mother.

01:07:53.620 I would listen to this, not all the time, but I would listen to when I really was in a moment where I was like, okay, I need to, you know, when I could feel some of those feelings come on, I would listen to this song because it would help me process them.

01:08:07.320 And it would help me get those out of my, uh, system, you know, um, so let's listen to that.

01:08:19.880 Now this is Evan Bartels, the devil, God, and me, uh, happy mother's day to all of the mothers out there.

01:08:27.100 Um, we love you and, uh, and thank you for what you do.

01:08:32.320 And, um, thank you.

01:08:38.260 Be good to yourselves.

01:08:39.360 You know that, baby gang.

01:08:48.320 Now this is an emo one.

01:08:50.480 So if you don't like that emo, then go on.

01:08:52.800 Go on about yourself.

01:08:53.700 Nobody's keeping you here.

01:08:56.160 Gang, baby. 0.75

01:08:58.040 Evan Bartels, man.

01:09:02.320 Love y'all, baby.

01:09:14.640 Oh, mother, may I open my eyes

01:09:19.840 Cause there's a great big world waiting right outside

01:09:26.880 Mother, may I raise my voice

01:09:35.180 Mother, may I raise my voice

01:09:35.220 Mother, may I raise my voice

01:09:35.240 We the people have that choice

01:09:42.360 Mother, may I raise my head

01:09:50.300 Mother, may I raise my voice

01:09:59.780 Mother, may I raise my voice

01:10:05.180 Mother, may I raise my voice

01:10:05.760 Mother, may I raise my voice

01:10:07.480 Mother, may I raise my voice

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - May 09, 2023

E443 That Lord Portal

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