E443 That Lord Portal
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 10 minutes
Words per Minute
132.52623
Summary
It's Mother's Day and we're talking about how God serves the world and how He's on the "on-ramp between the earth and the heaven." Rocky talks about the first time he saw an Asian in a church hymn.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
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00:00:30.000
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00:01:24.520
I don't know if it was Japanese or Chinese or it was some knees.
00:01:41.960
You could throw a pot of rice in this church and hit an Asian.
00:02:13.280
And I remember the first time I'd ever heard a batch of Asians like that sing a church hymn.
00:02:25.980
I don't know if they were first generation or not.
00:02:36.740
Some Asian people, though, if they get real old, they get that catfish hair coming out of them.
00:02:44.120
You put a damn worm in front of one of them, they'll damn...
00:02:50.120
They'll jump right out their damn church pajamas.
00:03:14.200
A lot of humans, as they get older, you cross with an animal at a certain point.
00:03:56.640
That everybody, no matter what ethnicity or culture...
00:06:54.480
You're sitting on a little riverbank or something.
00:07:00.540
I'm going to tell you where there's a portal...
00:08:21.240
But I think of people sometimes as like an idea of God.
00:10:30.940
But that's something that's just been going on in my head.
00:10:46.880
I got to see my own mother last weekend in Phoenix, Arizona.
00:10:57.140
You know, it's been a long journey with my own mother.
00:11:02.780
Since we didn't have a connection when I was young...
00:11:49.600
I want to thank everybody for coming out to that.
00:11:52.960
You're out there on the stage and you feel little.
00:11:59.520
In a club, I feel normal size, regular size, six foot, 182.
00:12:21.660
It's nothing you notice, but if you know, you know.
00:12:34.800
Oh, in that big, in that vast of a space, I feel like, I think I almost feel like a bird could come down and just pick me up off the stage.
00:12:43.320
You know, it's almost like you feel like the mouse, you know.
00:12:49.900
Somebody sees a mouse, they shine a light on it.
00:12:53.060
And that's what it's like in there because it's big, it's dark.
00:12:58.800
And I'm like, man, a big bird's going to come and damn get me.
00:13:09.020
I don't want some big, dirty bird picking me up.
00:13:15.080
Just thank you guys for just being a part of my life, for wanting to come and see me, wanting to let me see you.
00:13:23.720
You know, or just, I'm just glad we all get to spend our time together.
00:13:33.960
And I know a lot of people, they want to get to interact more, you know, and we do what we can.
00:13:42.440
But I just want to thank everybody for coming out.
00:13:45.060
We did one show that was in a circle, and that's damn confusing.
00:13:49.800
The whole time, I feel like I'm performing and asking people for directions, you know, and nobody knows what.
00:13:56.760
I mean, it just, it was in the round at the Celebrity Theater.
00:14:01.120
And this place looked like a, it looked like a white castle.
00:14:06.520
But like the white castle, like where, you know, where white lived or whatever.
00:14:16.160
You know, it looked like the last white castle, but like the biggest, greatest white castle.
00:14:20.560
It looked like a CEO, where the CEO of white castle would live.
00:14:24.680
This place, it's in a, just a big parking lot, and there's just a damn castle in it.
00:14:36.220
So if you got a, you know, this castle, it's like a, you know, short castle.
00:14:46.400
I had never done a thing in the circle like that.
00:14:51.700
You know, halfway through the jokes, I got to hold on the stool or something.
00:14:55.020
It reminded me of the Gravitron, you know, when you go to the fair as a child.
00:15:04.800
You know, where I lived, you'd go to the fair, and you'd get on the Gravitron.
00:15:14.520
And we'd go over there a day early for 50 cents.
00:15:24.740
They were testing to make sure this shit worked and make sure there was no lice on the equipment or whatever.
00:15:31.860
Because, God damn, boy, you get on one wrong ride, you itch for a month, cuz.
00:15:59.640
Cuz the lice, they need a place to meet up at on the body.
00:16:03.860
You know, they're just like, they're just like a group of white people at a music festival.
00:16:10.440
They, every now and then, they gotta meet up somewhere and check on everybody.
00:16:34.620
And, God forbid, it becomes your wiener or, uh...
00:16:53.820
Oh, yeah, y'all got that in wiener, don't y'all?
00:17:17.800
Yeah, but thank God they met up on his nipple, dog, and ate that bitch.
00:17:33.440
And the Gravitron, you'd get over there a day early to the, uh...
00:17:43.940
And the Gravitron, you laid back against the wall.
00:18:10.740
And right there in the middle of the fairgrounds,
00:18:17.960
You get pushed against the side so much inside,
00:18:46.520
you could barely get your arm up a little bit like,
00:18:53.640
Damn, that guy would show you his damn weaner every time.
00:19:38.120
And we're grateful to a lot of beautiful mothers out there.
00:19:50.700
Now, the tough part is when you're not enjoying your life, you know?
00:19:58.880
To then still find that gratitude to your mother.
00:20:06.880
I don't know when it happened in time that we started to think that life,
00:20:23.820
And he was talking about the rarity that you exist.
00:21:04.000
I guess, that life was supposed to be a comfort...
00:21:15.740
You know, and maybe some of that is just an American societal...
00:21:27.300
Historically in one of the more comfortable countries.
00:22:42.320
Anyway, I get in my head sometimes that it's this...
00:22:48.220
As opposed to that it's supposed to be this journey.
00:23:14.600
I'd probably find less disappointment in things.
00:26:32.180
It'll punch you in the fucking neck with the other.
00:27:27.580
But if I can just kind of sit in the middle and know...
00:27:37.480
Then I don't get caught on the waves and the crevasses.
00:27:56.940
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00:30:26.300
You know, I've been doing a little more meditation recently.
00:30:28.960
And it's been allowing me to have a little bit of space from the attachment to every moment.
00:30:45.800
I want to thank everybody that's came out over there in Phoenix.
00:30:48.160
I'll be seeing everybody in New York this week.
00:30:54.140
We're trying to put some other shows on the books.
00:31:30.940
We're looking to try to figure those out right now.
00:31:36.060
So man, I can't even believe it to get to go back to some of those beautiful places.
00:31:44.340
Thank you for wanting me to come, you know, physically, you know, or, you know, to show up.
00:31:58.460
You know, I'm just, I'm not talking about eject, eject, eject, ejecting.
00:32:04.680
I'm talking about just showing up and doing work.
00:32:15.080
You know, we had a lot of different, we had a lot of different mothers in my neighborhood.
00:32:32.420
My mom, I think she fucking slept on the top of a violin.
00:32:43.560
My mother had that kind of, if my, my mother, she was, she was tight.
00:32:50.660
If she turned her neck, one of her arms would go up to beat the shit out of somebody.
00:32:57.380
Just like one of those old toys you get, like as a kid back in the day, they'd have a toy.
00:33:03.140
And if you turn, like, if you moved its leg, then, then, then the arm would, it was double.
00:33:12.860
So you move, you know, you moved its neck, one of its arms would go up.
00:33:18.540
And you moved its leg and then the other arm, it would just, you couldn't move one part without another part.
00:33:33.140
If she sneezed, she'd beat the fuck out of something.
00:33:35.620
She just, you know, she, it was just, my mother was wound up, boy.
00:33:39.640
They had all kinds of moms in our neighborhood.
00:33:43.760
We had this one lady, she would, she drank, boy.
00:33:48.700
She drank and she ate, uh, Christmas candies year round.
00:34:00.340
This bitch was eating Christmas candies year round, boy, year round.
00:34:05.720
And first, if that ain't the most sinful thing, seeing somebody suck on a piece of Christmas candy, dude,
00:34:36.660
And I remember she'd lay out on the car, she would lay on the hood of that car, dude.
00:34:40.100
She'd drive, she'd go drive it a couple times and then she'd lay on the hood of it while it was still warm.
00:34:45.740
It's right, there's three apartments down from us.
00:34:52.940
And she would just kind of just, like, she'd say, I want you, what would she say?
00:35:10.700
And then she drank a little, take a sip of her drink.
00:35:45.120
And somebody, she said that she had barrettes on her, uh, on the hair outside of her cooter.
00:36:00.180
I want you to hear me feel, she would say that shit, laying on that warm engine.
00:36:09.080
We had another, we had something, this, my buddy had a thick mom.
00:36:16.420
She looked like she made out of damn bread, you know.
00:36:21.260
Like, when you saw her, you just wanted to damn, just put some jelly on that bitch.
00:36:27.120
You just want to damn put some jelly on that bitch.
00:36:38.620
And her, their whole house smelled like biscuits.
00:36:49.200
And the mama, she always wore kind of hospital clothes, even though she wasn't in the hospital.
00:36:55.460
I guess she was just ready, because eventually they took her in and she passed away.
00:37:07.540
Damn biscuit blood or something had happened to her.
00:37:15.880
And then, they had another buddy of mine had a, his mom was, mm, she was, God, she was beautiful.
00:37:27.280
I'd go over there and I'd hide in their clothes hamper.
00:37:41.500
I'd, god, I would just, I wanted her to be my mother.
00:37:46.240
I would put my, I would get those things and put them on my, just, I would just, just huffing cups, baby.
00:37:56.700
I just wanted to just inhale the scent of that woman until it landed in my DNA, man.
00:38:19.720
These sunglasses are damn, they want it all to stop, sun, everything.
00:38:23.660
But let's get a couple of, uh, calls that came in here.
00:38:37.540
Um, I do want to update you that me and David Spades are still trying to get a movie made, which would be insane, boy.
00:38:47.800
We're trying, uh, a lot of these studios and stuff.
00:38:51.880
They're not giving it a, they don't, there's no, um, we haven't had any luck on the traditional route.
00:39:02.000
You know, I think there's a big, they don't want to see, uh, something like that.
00:39:08.180
They don't want to see that kind of, they don't want two guys.
00:39:10.440
They don't want, I don't think, two white guys having a good time, to be real honest with you.
00:39:18.300
And some of that might be a little jaded, but I can't understand why they wouldn't jump at the opportunity for, for the film.
00:39:26.900
I mean, I, well, I mean, I don't have a lot of experience.
00:40:01.820
His parents left him at the Grand Canyon, and now he's a movie star.
00:40:10.020
So, that shit just makes me want to fucking juggle my own dick, buddy.
00:40:19.860
We're trying to find an alternative method to get it made.
00:40:23.020
I might hit up a rich friend or something and see if they'll put some finance in.
00:40:40.720
But, you know, you got to take care of yourself.
00:40:44.160
And, uh, anyway, as always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
00:41:50.520
And I'd run you a thing of rope from the back of the four-wheeler to each one of the parents to their pants.
00:42:12.040
And then you tie it, whichever it is, male or female.
00:42:15.920
If it's male, the new baby, you tie it, you tie the knot tight onto the front of your dad's pants.
00:42:23.780
And if it's female, you tie it tight onto the front of your mom's pants.
00:42:30.300
And whichever one it isn't, you leave it loose.
00:42:32.360
But you still make it look like it's up by their waist.
00:42:37.880
And then you say, okay, one, two, three, male or female or whatever they do.
00:42:46.880
You know, let me see, you know, move that, whatever, gender, whatever they say.
00:42:53.880
And let's see the winner or whatever, you know, or whatever they say.
00:43:03.960
So here's what I'm saying, man, is that then you floor that four-wheeler and whoever it is, if it's male or female, it rips the pants off of the adult.
00:43:27.580
So then you're really revealing somebody's gender.
00:43:32.000
You're saying, hey, the baby's going to be this.
00:43:34.940
And we're also making sure that your parents are appropriately crotched by God.
00:43:42.220
Because imagine, well, you ripped them pantalones off mom.
00:44:41.080
You know, you need to look up in Kelly Blue Book.
00:44:47.860
You know, we used to have that Kelly Blue Book.
00:44:52.660
My car is a piece of shit, I remember realizing.
00:45:16.060
Yeah, we used to have a brother by us that grew up by us.
00:45:38.440
His brother had locked him in a garage or something and burned it down.
00:45:46.000
And for some reason, they call him Suzuki Leg over there.
00:46:14.200
Remember, they wouldn't let the beef in from the UK.
00:46:38.300
They didn't want that beef coming in from Britain.
00:46:47.360
But at that point, it was unlimited Russian beef was allowed in.
00:46:51.820
No, unlimited British beef was allowed in Russia.
00:46:55.120
And people were damn fucking throwing loins at each other.
00:46:59.280
You'd see a man just beating his wife with a damn London broil over there in Russia.
00:47:11.300
You just, you'd see somebody whipping their child with a damn backstrap.
00:47:30.520
We would do, you know, where you'd knock on people's door and sell them the meat right there.
00:47:37.800
And people want to, look, people, there's something about meat.
00:47:53.200
And if you show up at somebody's house and you're like, guess what?
00:47:57.140
And you're like, I got some fucking meat right here.
00:48:03.300
Now, some vegans will call you a queer or whatever.
00:48:29.060
But it was, we'd sell that shit right out the truck.
00:48:32.000
In different neighborhoods, you'd hit, you know, you'd knock and tell them you had different stuff.
00:48:36.480
If you was in some of the urban neighborhood, you'd be like, hey, guess what?
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00:50:34.440
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I just wanted to call and say, man, it's been rough.
00:52:35.540
One of them was you just saying that you're proud of me.
00:52:38.940
And that was the first time I've heard that in a long time.
00:52:43.260
And I just wanted to know kind of what you do for support.
00:52:58.120
You might be somebody that didn't hear that when they needed to when they were young, you know.
00:53:06.960
But the long-term effects of those things are very real.
00:53:14.920
And I'm sorry you're having to deal with these things later in life.
00:53:22.500
You know, it's a lot of us that are dealing with this.
00:53:29.220
And it makes me angry that I have to deal with, I have to deal, I have to meander around these things now,
00:53:35.620
which are things that should have been done for me as a child.
00:53:54.840
There's different things you can do to help you fill in that space and learn and relearn the things you should have learned as a child
00:54:09.540
You know, this podcast really, in some ways, has been the one thing that's made me show up for my life every week.
00:54:25.000
You know, if there's one thing I've done in my life that I've committed to and I've done it,
00:54:54.960
You know, I don't know where I would be without my brother, man.
00:55:04.420
I mean, he had a really tough time when we were kids.
00:55:08.520
And, you know, he, uh, and, you know, um, and I was the younger brother, you know, so I came in this need and, you know,
00:55:21.200
you know, and probably what little he was getting that he needed as a child, I came in and cut that in half.
00:55:32.140
You know, uh, but he is just a really interesting and resilient and, um, and powerful force in my life.
00:55:50.440
We've had a, well, our relationship has built as I've gotten older and as he's got, as we've grown up and it has been a blessing, man.
00:55:58.760
And, you know, you know, my brother's the first person in my life that ever felt like love me just unconditionally, unconditionally.
00:56:06.580
He chose to, he just, you know, he chose, uh, that for me.
00:56:15.720
I had an ex-girlfriend that loved me unconditionally too, actually.
00:56:18.580
Um, I wasn't ready to be, uh, a good, you know, a decent husband or, or a decent boyfriend, but, um, but my brother, I go to my brother.
00:56:37.720
He really is the one that, um, you know, he kind of, he's my, he, in some ways he turned into my father too.
00:56:46.640
You know, he had to fill in a lot of roles that we didn't have.
00:56:50.540
Um, and he did it for himself first and then he's been able to extend and help me, uh, when I've needed it.
00:56:58.080
So, so that has been a, just really, man, that's been a blessing.
00:57:08.380
And for all of these, you can go to TheoVaughn.com and you can, um, there's three ways to communicate with the podcast.
00:57:14.820
You can text, um, those are where we just kind of, uh, respond to sometimes.
00:57:23.380
Um, you can send audio and video and, uh, we listen and watch those.
00:57:35.660
My name's Ashley and that is my beautiful, uh, Kane Corso named Abraham.
00:57:51.320
You got that, uh, you got that dark, that, uh, that dark animal in the back seat onward.
00:57:57.660
My question is about, uh, whether or not Theo has any words of encouragement or just thoughts about having to re-home a pet.
00:58:07.280
Um, I'll actually be moving from South Carolina to Covington, Louisiana in June.
00:58:21.540
So I wanted to know what your thoughts were about that.
00:58:26.620
Look, I, I think if you're going to bring an animal down to Louisiana, we'll, we, that's good.
00:58:36.240
I bet you a lot of them are right there in Louisiana if you do.
00:58:43.200
Um, yeah, I mean, I grew up in the stray animal belt over there.
00:58:50.940
I've seen them my whole life, you know, um, the area I grew up in a lot of stray animals.
00:58:59.760
I mean, from the damn birds to, uh, this, hell, this one family down the street, you'd catch
00:59:11.420
Uh, but we had a lot of stray animals come through, you know?
00:59:18.520
And so I don't have, the first time I ever saw a dog in a home, it was, it blew my mind.
00:59:26.240
I mean, this beautiful blonde haired, blue, a brown eyed animal.
00:59:31.160
I'm like, God damn, that thing's fine as hell, boy.
00:59:37.560
I'm about to fucking grill that thing up over at the Asian church, you feel me?
00:59:50.560
Yeah, so I don't have much experience on, uh, re-homing animals, but, but it's obvious
00:59:56.480
you care about the animal, you're going to find it a good home.
00:59:59.500
And I think just welcome to Covington, Louisiana.
01:00:02.640
You know, it's a great place, it's a warm place.
01:00:18.040
Um, there's a strong sense of community over there, and, uh, I'm sure you will like it.
01:00:25.800
And I'm thankful to that place, uh, for just giving me a tapestry to be on as a, uh, as
01:00:38.540
I mean, I got bit by, you know, I mean, damn, I got bit by so many fucking dogs.
01:00:48.220
I thought I had a damn pork loin in me or something.
01:00:50.700
Um, you know, I thought, you know, God was hiding bacon in my ass or something.
01:01:01.220
So, anyway, good luck to you, and congratulations on the move.
01:01:06.580
All right, let's take one more call, and, um, yeah, let's see what we got.
01:01:26.100
Um, Great Lakes, great times, that murder mitten, you know?
01:01:32.720
If you want to get murdered, and you want to hear Kid Rock blasting in the background while
01:01:42.240
You know, um, but anyways, I just got, uh, pulled in a little early, uh, to this, you
01:01:49.340
know, program that I'm participating in, and I just wanted to touch base.
01:01:53.180
I was listening to you, you know, on my drive-in this morning, and recently you've just been
01:01:58.580
talking a lot about, like, taking time for yourself.
01:02:01.060
Like, you know, prioritizing, like, life moves real quickly, and, um, you know, that's, that's
01:02:10.420
And, uh, I recently made the decision to, um, you know, take some time off for myself and,
01:02:18.980
and get some therapy and some medication to kind of battle the dark arts in my heart, in
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But, you know, at the end of the day, I had to make the decision to, uh, help myself, you
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know, uh, cause what's the cost if you don't, right?
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Danielle, thank you for the call, and happy Mother's Day to you.
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Um, and yeah, I'm, uh, you know, mothers are the real, they're the real worst, they,
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they're the, you know, mother, they get it all.
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They get, they're the, you know, it's a lot of, they're the toll booth.
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You're running around with a damn portal between the heavens and existence and the world.
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Dear God, I can't even make it through a damn toll booth.
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If I don't have the change right, I fucking lose my shit.
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So to be carrying a, you know, a portal to be in everything that just get, you're, you're
01:04:09.420
And you know how much things get left at a Greyhound?
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Somebody left a damn, uh, uh, oven mitt over there and half a milk.
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Dude, I saw a sister drinking a can of damn Similac one time.
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Calling somebody a homo on the phone once at Philadelphia over there by the bus, by the Greyhound.
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You know, and being a mom, being all that, there's a lot coming at you.
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You're a, you're the, you're the nucleus, really, of the family, really, in a lot of
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And there's a lot that's been going on in history.
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You know, I think so many things happened over the past centuries, wars and battles and
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And only now in the present society, really, are we really at a place where we've come
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up kind of for air, where all of our needs are kind of met, where we can look at our
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emotions, see what's going on, how we feel, what's happening.
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And it makes perfect sense to take time and clean your mirror.
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Yeah, look, even NASCAR, they put them, dude, they do nine laps and pull them bitches in the
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So it makes sense that we take time to take care of ourselves.
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It makes sense that we find ways to be happy and take care of ourselves.
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Yeah, if you don't have yourself, what do you have?
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It's like somebody's fired a gun at a starting line a long time ago, and I've just been going.
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Shaved my chest the other day, feeling okay about that, a little nervous about it.
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You know, my tits don't look exactly like I would like, but that's God.
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You know, one of my tits looks like a little bit of like a melt, like somebody put a scoop of ice cream,
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So, but hey, who don't love a little bit of sweet cream?
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We're going to go out this kind of a sad song, but I used to listen to this song a lot when I needed to process feelings of connection that I didn't have with my own mother.
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I would listen to this, not all the time, but I would listen to when I really was in a moment where I was like, okay, I need to, you know, when I could feel some of those feelings come on, I would listen to this song because it would help me process them.
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And it would help me get those out of my, uh, system, you know, um, so let's listen to that.
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Now this is Evan Bartels, the devil, God, and me, uh, happy mother's day to all of the mothers out there.
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Um, we love you and, uh, and thank you for what you do.
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Cause there's a great big world waiting right outside