E450 Tom Segura
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 21 minutes
Words per Minute
193.93596
Summary
Comedian and podcaster Tom Segura joins Jemele to discuss his new stand-up special, Sledgehammer, coming out July 4th. They also talk about growing up in the 80s and early 90s in Los Angeles, and what it was like growing up with drugs and alcohol.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.
00:00:10.720
Fast-free Wi-Fi means I can make dinner reservations before we land.
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Wi-Fi available to Airplane members on Equipped Flight.
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I want to thank Rooster Teeth for allowing us time today here in their studio space
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We are grateful to them, and we are grateful for this space.
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Today's guest is a comedian with a new special, Sledgehammer, coming out July 4th.
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He is one of a kind, and we're grateful to have him back today.
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I didn't know that he had a big collabo with Warhol, two heroin addicts going at it.
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Trying to think of a good artist that I knew growing up.
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I don't know if we had any art, per se, in our area, really.
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I was exposed to a little bit of it, I feel like, as a kid.
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And then I had an uncle who was really into it.
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I mean, I do like going into a place, like, whether it's someone's home or a business.
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Like, people that have art colors popping, you're like, oh, yeah, this is better than,
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like, when you're young and everything's just like, like, you have your apartment, it's just white walls.
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You're like, this is actually, like, oh, that's why I was depressed.
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And I remember, like, girls coming over to apartments when I was, like, in my early 20s
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and them being like, this is a fucking serial killer who lives here, huh?
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Yeah, it is kind of, when you look back, oh, when I look back on some of the things
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that I considered, I guess, were art or whatever that I would hang on my wall.
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I remember I got a jump rope one time and I was so fucking excited and I, like, hung
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No, and then, you know, what really does it, if you go, even if you just walk into the
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lobby of, like, a nice hotel and you're like, oh, my God, like, where they have, like, the
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And you're like, oh, this snake, this, like, makes everybody feel calm and kind of, like,
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this, what it makes you go is, like, I want to be here.
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And then, and then you, all of a sudden, it hits you years later where you're like, oh,
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I think I always, I've never, one of my friends came in my, my home the other day and he's
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like, dude, everything that's in here is stuff that was in here when you bought this house.
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And he's like, dude, your house, it doesn't even seem like you live here.
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Like, you have to start doing something to make this your home.
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Can I tell you, I, I, I don't, I, some things in life you just realize that you have
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And I, I had to, I accepted that I am not a fucking interior designer, but I don't want
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the place to look as sad as those early apartments.
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And what you do is they go, here's pictures of things.
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And then they go like, what do you think of this idea?
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So you're going to walk in there every time and be like, oh, this feels, this feels awesome.
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And it feels like you, because you want it to be things that you pick, but you realize
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that you're never going to do that on your own.
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And I mean, you specifically just said that there's shit in there that was there like
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I'll pick drawings of the previous family was a black ownership and they, uh, there's
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Like, yeah, there's like a thing of like a business.
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So you're like, there's a black owned fucking car dealership.
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It's like a Tulsa, whatever that thing was, but it was, uh, yeah, there's like some, yeah,
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They had left a few things and you're just like, leave it.
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See the, what I would do, I, all the furniture too.
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Uh, first black something or other, you know, so it's like, I feel bad keeping that, you
00:06:05.320
Dude, what you got to do is when you, you have somebody help you, you know, design the
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place, but in court, like have a few of those like photos or something that are still
00:06:20.740
But then when people are like, what's up with this black family?
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And you're like, nah, I just, I like to honor them.
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Cause it's, uh, but I, yeah, there'll be nights where I'm grogging.
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I'm the first black, like, you know, commissioner of some, you know?
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Um, when I'm kind of just wandering around, um, good to see you, man.
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Thank you for the, uh, for coming and hanging out.
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I, uh, you know, I was trying to think about, um, what was I looking at earlier that I was
00:07:12.400
Do you think there's something nice about like, I've lived in places where I never had
00:07:17.920
And it's tough, but there's also something that's kind of like primitive and real about
00:07:24.100
like, I feel like the dreams I had at night were a little more like, like I would
00:07:34.020
And it's, you know, the thing is too, is that it's pretty easy to snap your head back
00:07:40.980
into the hottest, physically hottest, most uncomfortable times in my life.
00:07:46.900
Like I can actually, you say that and I immediately, I go to this Florida Keys trip I took when I
00:07:53.720
was 14 and we were down in the Keys and it was hot.
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And they had no AC and you just, you just, I mean, I just literally remember that.
00:08:04.480
I remember doing, I worked construction for my friend's family and we were, the dad had
00:08:13.820
bought an apartment complex and he wanted to, he had to redo the apartments.
00:08:18.240
So they stripped them down and then we laid tile and grout in apartments in the summer
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I mean, we're talking like, you know, it's a hundred degrees with a hundred percent humidity
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and you're on your knees just like, and you, but there's, and there's no, there's not even
00:08:37.380
But like, and you need children for that labor.
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So that was, but like, as soon as you say that, like you just, I just immediately remember
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And then there's something about like physically, like, cause you hate it.
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I mean, in the moment you're like, I hate this, but you do kind of feel like you're,
00:09:00.240
Like you're, you really feel like you're working.
00:09:03.200
You really feel like your dreams are just about air blowing on you.
00:09:08.280
That's like the simplest type of dream you have.
00:09:10.820
Or how, like, how amazing in those moments is a cold Gatorade?
00:09:18.940
When, when you're like, you're like, you feel, and then somebody goes, they pull it out
00:09:31.320
If you're comfortable when you have a Gatorade, I don't even know, you're like, I don't even
00:09:55.880
I didn't realize I wanted a gay bash, but I do now.
00:10:03.420
I could, you could think of like the fucking most uncomfortable you've ever been hot and
00:10:10.820
I never really, I don't think I had too much real coldness in my life.
00:10:18.500
Like my trainer, he's a, you know, he's like, he's one of those dudes that is like, he just
00:10:31.660
Like this push, like go, let's, you know, it's another one.
00:10:37.180
And the heat, he's like, I like, I like to be outside when it's a hundred and run.
00:10:42.320
And like, people are like, you're going to fucking pass.
00:10:46.720
They want to go there, but the dude has no tolerance for cold, which I find hilarious.
00:10:51.520
You know, he like, he doesn't like cold weather.
00:10:56.440
And like, I don't know, it's kind of fun to like.
00:11:03.340
And he's just like, man, I want to get to a warmer place.
00:11:09.940
I guess the cold really, I remember at one time it snowed in our town and people had never
00:11:13.980
seen it and people were yelling shit at the sky and just yelling like racial slurs at clouds
00:11:20.320
People were, you know, like just like these ice and words, you know, just people yelling
00:11:26.940
And some kid went outside and got hit by an icicle.
00:11:30.540
It was like the first ice that probably ever fell in our area.
00:11:33.360
And that bitch fucking hit him right in the cheek.
00:11:36.180
And his mom tried to sue the city for like eight years, dude.
00:11:41.480
And she's like, Ricky would have been different.
00:11:44.280
And everybody's like, Ricky fucking was never different.
00:11:55.060
You know, Ricky was going to be a senator or something like Ricky was always going to
00:12:21.440
So it was probably before our time a little bit, but they had, who's this guy?
00:12:56.700
We don't even get to do shit like this anymore.
00:13:07.180
Well, can you, can you imagine just telling somebody about your accomplishment?
00:13:12.960
Like, I fucking jumped over 20 motorcycles in a school bus.
00:13:38.080
By the way, is there more than one Jimmy the Greek?
00:13:49.740
Very, I was like, there's no way that that guy.
00:13:56.640
Yeah, I'm like, this fucking guy's driving the bus?
00:14:13.960
Oh, he said, yeah, that people were bred to be in better shape.
00:14:19.300
The black is not a good way to start a sentence.
00:14:27.640
I mean, he's definitely right, but you don't say it like that.
00:14:30.200
Yeah, you gotta pretend like you don't think that.
00:14:36.520
But isn't it so great to picture him driving that bus?
00:14:41.040
Like, you're like, that actually looks like a bus driver.
00:14:44.660
Bro, we had a guy in our neighborhood named Milford, right?
00:14:47.120
And this dude never had a shirt or he couldn't be in a shirt.
00:14:50.960
And he would drive us fucking with no shirt sometimes.
00:14:54.840
And sometimes he wouldn't even take us to school and the police would all come pick us up off the bus.
00:15:05.440
That's the guy that kidnapped those three girls and kept them in a basement in Cleveland.
00:15:15.180
And one time, before he got caught, obviously, before this whole thing exploded, he just got mad and left the kids on the bus and just abandoned the bus.
00:15:29.740
But this dude was a, this guy was driving kids to school for a living.
00:15:37.300
Probably just picking out the best ones, interviewing them for years at a time.
00:15:46.500
I wouldn't want to have anybody kidnapped in my house, I don't think.
00:15:53.500
Well, at least if you have, you know, they say if you have goats, you shouldn't have just one.
00:16:01.460
Yeah, my mother was going to, we were going to get my mother a goat and then when she found out she had to have two goats, she's like, I don't want two goats.
00:16:09.360
Yeah, but one, will they get so sad that they can't stand themselves?
00:16:15.520
But he was, yeah, he was a real, he was a real shitbag of a human being for sure.
00:16:21.960
And I remember when the story, it was such a, it was such an unbelievable story because he had them for years.
00:16:27.200
And he was such a psycho that he would, he would join the search parties.
00:16:32.760
Like when they would have annual, like we're one of them and he would go to those and then he would go back and tell the girls, like people are still looking for you and laugh and stuff.
00:16:41.140
I wonder if when they were walking down the street, he was like, you're getting warm.
00:16:48.960
And I remember if like they start to walk up to his place, he's like, I would take a left here.
00:16:59.060
And he had, you know, the funny thing is like the way that like the human mind works is that he, the one that he, he trusted, there's the three and the one that he trusted and he had a baby with when she was there.
00:17:09.600
And so he so trusted how fearful they were that he would leave her like unchained and free.
00:17:17.520
And she was so brainwashed and scared that, yeah, she would just stay until the day that she didn't, but she never, it was pretty wild, man.
00:17:36.040
That roast beef is like, it's, it's like a girl in his basement.
00:17:43.820
How interesting that Bert has made his own sound in the world.
00:17:56.480
And he, he's so, I think you can only make that sound if you enjoy yourself that much.
00:18:03.400
I've never met somebody who is so enamored with themselves.
00:18:09.000
And then he'll be like, I understand that like, you know, people get exhausted of me.
00:18:14.520
He goes, unless you like me, then you can't get enough.
00:18:20.960
He's like, and I'm like, well, which one are you?
00:18:22.780
He's like, I definitely can't get enough of me.
00:18:25.840
I'm like, how do you have this much love for yourself?
00:18:30.140
He probably wakes up every day and he's like, yeah.
00:18:33.520
It's funny because everybody usually struggles with the other side of that.
00:18:39.800
I mean, I don't think like, well, maybe, but it's like, it's so morphed into this other
00:18:45.080
thing or like with bodies, like everybody who, you know, it goes like, oh, you know,
00:18:50.720
I wish I didn't have this belly or like, you know, and then he's just like, I look
00:18:56.540
It's like, you're focusing on the wrong thing, which is what like, like a psychologist would
00:19:02.160
They'd be like, you know, but look at your great shoulders.
00:19:06.900
And then he's just like, yeah, I automatically do that.
00:19:14.800
You're like, I was looking at you and actually picking everything apart, but yeah, you do
00:19:30.080
You know, I think he has an infallible, and I don't know what that means, but he has like
00:19:34.640
this ability to, he has a fucking undefeated, there's something about him that's un-fucking
00:19:43.320
It seems like anyway, I mean, you know him so well.
00:19:47.360
It is, it's, um, it's that ultimately he, he, he really buys into, I'm going to bet on
00:19:55.280
I believe in myself and he's not going to wallow in like the, any of the negative stuff.
00:20:03.060
You know, he's somebody like, and that's also something that you would be taught, like
00:20:10.540
I think almost to his own detriment where like, you need to go like, like, like hold
00:20:16.000
back, pull back a little bit, be, be present in this.
00:20:19.080
Cause I think he's just like, the race is over, but he's still going.
00:20:21.840
He's still, yeah, that's, that's exactly what he's doing.
00:20:26.960
You can, then yeah, he just goes and goes and goes, but he, um, you know, he gets like,
00:20:32.280
it's funny because people just see like, uh, a shirtless, morbidly obese lunatic.
00:20:41.800
And they go, this guy's a fucking, this guy gambles.
00:20:45.840
Um, and he is all those things, but he's actually, you know, I'd say he's actually a lot smarter
00:20:52.580
than he gets credit for because it's easy to go, this guy is just a dope and he's drunk,
00:20:58.240
but he's, he's actually like, I mean, I'm honest, like seriously, he, as far as ideas
00:21:08.260
And, and I don't think people give him any credit.
00:21:14.720
You could go, if you went up to him and you're like, I wish I, I want to have a television
00:21:27.460
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Yeah, you know, sometimes you see there's only a couple of things you can see.
00:24:28.340
You don't even see people's other that you don't you don't get a chance.
00:24:34.460
You know, you don't get to know them in other regards.
00:24:37.680
I think that a lot about a lot of the UFC fighters, some of them are so cool and other shit are so funny or whatever.
00:24:43.620
You never even get to know because they're just seen as like this warrior.
00:24:52.460
And it's easy to define people as one dimensional.
00:24:55.960
You know, like like Theo's a southern guy and he's a comedian and like I don't that's all you are.
00:25:01.800
And you should like I want to be able to describe him in this way.
00:25:05.600
You know, I don't I don't if you told me he likes sailing and skeet shooting.
00:25:17.880
And let me and it's like when somebody goes somebody says they like guns, they go, oh,
00:25:23.360
so you're like a conservative right wing Second Amendment champion.
00:25:27.680
And someone was like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
00:25:30.880
Like, you know, you're like I'm just a tech nine fan or something.
00:25:34.860
But but like so many people go, well, that does.
00:25:37.780
If you like this, then you are this type of person.
00:25:40.180
And what the truth is that like a UFC fighter can like the ballet, you know, like it just
00:25:45.900
But a lot of people just don't want to think outside of what is comfortable because then
00:25:55.760
Yeah, man, because they don't want to think that somebody that a redneck guy could have
00:26:02.000
a black buddy that really that is that he's not afraid to do sleepovers with.
00:26:07.460
Because it would fucking ruin their whole ball of wax.
00:26:10.840
And then they don't get to be lazy thinkers because that's essentially it's being lazy
00:26:17.200
I want to easily define everybody with like, oh, he's from here.
00:26:26.300
I got to keep tabs on my brain sometimes when I try to do that because yeah, because sometimes
00:26:31.880
But then sometimes it's also funny if you're joking around.
00:26:37.600
I mean, I think of like these like comics like Brian Simpson.
00:26:41.940
He's so funny and what I love is that he challenges what people will think because they want to
00:26:53.300
Yeah, he seems like maybe like a bus driver's son or whatever.
00:26:55.920
Yeah, but they go like, oh, he served in the military.
00:26:58.480
So then somebody will be like, well, he's my guy.
00:27:02.100
And then you go and you talk to him and then you realize, no, but he also, he has left-leaning
00:27:16.080
And then, but like he's, the thing is like you can't easily just define the guy.
00:27:25.420
He has left- because he's a, like everybody, he's a multi-layered, complex individual.
00:27:30.920
And as a, like from an audience standpoint, when you watch a guy like that, that's fun because
00:27:35.720
you go, well, he, if he was ex-military, he must be like this.
00:27:42.540
And I love that he challenges people's idea of what he's supposed to be.
00:27:47.640
Do you think, yeah, Brian is a really unique dude.
00:27:51.800
I like how he's kind of a little bit patient with it.
00:27:54.120
You know, it's like, he's kind of that silent killer.
00:28:12.540
People who take their time are the most fun to watch, I think.
00:28:20.060
Ron White had this great, I think he was, he told Christina this.
00:28:23.520
He goes, no, just remember, if you're, if you're doing bad up there, slow down.
00:28:41.640
Because everybody's instinct a lot of times is like speed up, speed up, like faster and
00:28:45.780
And then you get it on both sides because you're like, you're like, yeah, if I'm dying
00:28:51.560
Maybe I can run through this and I won't suffer as badly.
00:28:54.340
And if you're killing, it's almost like this level of excitement.
00:28:59.780
Did you ever get in moments where I've found like, even looking back on some shows where
00:29:05.760
it's like, man, I was in such a pattern of doing my material that that becomes almost
00:29:11.040
a, not a problem, but it becomes something I have to contend with each show.
00:29:14.680
Like, how do I make this feel original to my face, to my everything?
00:29:25.060
When you get into the pattern so much that it's like you press play on the, on the,
00:29:36.000
The great thing is that you, you have the ability to recognize that it's happening.
00:29:41.160
And the first, what happens first, I think is that you're, you're out there doing show
00:29:44.420
after show, after show, you go, what is going on?
00:29:51.760
And I'm doing the same fucking show beat by beat.
00:29:55.440
And even like, like you said, facial, like I turn my face here and I do this and I gesture
00:29:59.140
like this and it's hitting the mark and it's, it's bad.
00:30:03.300
And so you start the, the first thing I try to do is go, I'm going to, I have to open
00:30:08.200
that, the next show differently, whether it's a joke from the act that I moved to the front
00:30:14.340
or I'm going to riff at the front or I'm going to, I'm going to write a new, like I have to
00:30:18.660
start differently because sometimes if you start the show like completely differently, it gives
00:30:24.220
you this, this energy for the rest of the show.
00:30:27.360
Like this whole, there's something inside you changes.
00:30:29.980
I really think the key to all of it is that when you're in that zone of doing the same
00:30:35.860
shit, you have to challenge yourself to create something new because there's no juice like
00:30:41.280
There's nothing that feels better than a new thing, but it's also work that you don't
00:30:48.040
So that's why it's a challenge because you're like, I have the, the show works.
00:30:54.840
But it's the only way to get through that feeling of like, this sucks right now.
00:31:00.560
And there's a little other element that happens.
00:31:02.920
There's some other magic in the room whenever the, if you can get that freshness somehow.
00:31:06.960
It's like, it's, it, it, the right word for it is magic.
00:31:10.020
Cause there's no other way to like, you can only say it to other people who have done it.
00:31:14.760
But I just remember that like when I was touring Europe, I was, I'd just written some new
00:31:21.500
stuff and then I opened the show and like, you start with such a pop of, but it's a
00:31:29.820
Like you just, you, that I was performing the rest of the show with such a level of
00:31:37.100
And I, and then I would get off and the people that like the tour crew would be like, they're
00:31:41.600
like, man, you're having like so much fun out there.
00:31:44.360
Because of the first five minutes of the show that carried me through the, through the
00:31:49.640
And then there's like, you realize in those moments, you're like, well, anytime I feel
00:31:54.400
stale, what I need to do is that I need to like try something new.
00:32:00.160
You know, it's, and like, it kind of applies to life too, right?
00:32:06.920
If you're bored, if you, with your spouse in the bedroom, if you're bored with your buddy
00:32:16.520
You got to turn on the, that thing that like, it goes around under, like it, it, it's like
00:32:23.320
And then there's the other part on your, on your dick.
00:32:33.440
You and that black guy that are doing the sleepover.
00:32:38.580
I remember one of the first times I realized that black and white people were different.
00:32:41.540
We were riding in a truck in the back of a truck somewhere and our basketball coach was
00:32:46.060
taking us somewhere to probably do work for him for free.
00:32:49.720
And, um, he, my, we got to a stop sign where he'd been going like 50 miles an hour and
00:32:56.520
my black buddy, this kid, uh, Mike, um, he goes, what's it like to have your hair blow
00:33:17.720
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:33:22.680
Dude, yeah, you have like a fucking twig, sucky old shit.
00:33:26.120
You actually need to, you need to go see someone to reset everything.
00:33:31.780
Yeah, I'm trying to think of what else has been interesting going on.
00:33:35.760
Did you guys, you got into fitness a lot recently, huh?
00:33:38.280
Yeah, I mean, on this, on the last tour, you know what happened was that like, I always
00:33:46.960
Right, because you guys have done that Sober October for a while.
00:33:49.520
But even like before that, it was always like, I mean, that would be another time, but I would
00:33:54.600
get like to a certain point and then I would have the mentality of like, oh, I got there.
00:34:09.240
And so then what happens is you, when you go like, I'm done, you just kind of retreat back
00:34:17.320
And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, fuck, how'd this happen again?
00:34:19.640
And then you, you go, I'm going to do it again.
00:34:21.960
And then you go, all right, I'm going to work out and eat clean.
00:34:25.120
And then you lose weight and you start to get, and then you go, oh, I did, I got to this
00:34:32.080
And so it really was that I got frustrated by that.
00:34:36.000
And I had this, I had, I had gotten, I was, I was on tour and we were working out on tour,
00:34:48.160
We were in, and the tour was like aggressive, like nonstop.
00:34:51.260
And I remember that I got to back to LA to shoot this thing.
00:34:54.880
I was shooting this pilot I had written and I, I was, I was covering the whole production.
00:35:01.280
And I went, I remember I was in the, uh, the wardrobe fitting for it.
00:35:05.380
And I was like, shit, this is like, I feel like I'm going back, like in, in the fitting
00:35:15.900
And I was like, I have to take this more seriously.
00:35:19.320
But the difference is, is that I no longer go, if I see a number that I like on a scale,
00:35:29.020
It's just, I, I realized that you have to do it like that.
00:35:36.940
It's like, it's something that you just, if it's about goals, you just have to set new
00:35:42.060
You know, like if you, you can't go like, oh, if I see this number, I'm, I'm at the weight
00:35:48.640
Like you have to go, well, this month is about, uh, you know, like cardio stuff or this month
00:35:58.940
That's what I, I mean, that's what, that's what happened for you.
00:36:00.600
Had you been doing that before in your life setting?
00:36:02.660
Like, I mean, I know we have sometimes subconsciously, we set goals.
00:36:05.980
We don't realize, and we have some of that going on in our general life, but had you ever
00:36:09.620
done it that specifically before we were like, I'm a set a goal?
00:36:12.600
Uh, I kind of loosely, I would say, you know, like, Hey, this month, let's go.
00:36:16.840
Let's go after this type of thing and things like, like in sober October.
00:36:21.020
But this was also the time where I was like, you know, this really, as like cliche as it
00:36:29.060
And now I realized how much I am affected, not just physically, mentally, emotionally
00:36:36.140
by, and in a good way, by my, like working out a lot and like waking up, getting my, my
00:36:53.280
I feel like, so I just go, I feel like I have better, uh, creative days, you know, like
00:37:06.380
It's like, you know, I just, I, I know that I want to eat certain types of food that are
00:37:12.720
And I, and by the way, I'm not saying this, like I am the most strict dude and don't ever
00:37:17.520
like, but I'm just like, there's just so much more clean eating.
00:37:22.540
And, um, and I liked the, I liked the workouts.
00:37:25.740
You know, I like being active and I just feel like I'm very fortunate in that I have a full
00:37:38.220
And so sometimes people will be like, well, yeah, of course you can do that if you, I'm like,
00:37:41.520
yeah, that's, I'm, I'm very lucky that I can do it, but you also just have to want that
00:37:48.160
And, uh, we've been having a buddy that goes with you to the gym.
00:37:50.440
That used to be one of the funnest times when I was young, dude, we would go and we used
00:37:56.060
And really, what would you, what kind of steroids would you do?
00:38:02.740
We might've done a fucking 1100 they came out with for like fucking a couple.
00:38:17.020
And I don't want, but see, I take a moderate dose though.
00:38:20.700
I, I was like, oh, I'm going to, this is going to be wild.
00:38:26.300
Like they're like, like one of the guys was like, oh, he's like, how much you taking?
00:38:32.480
He goes, I would take three times that amount in a, in one session.
00:38:39.800
I was like, yeah, I mean, that's not, I'm not trying to do that.
00:38:49.120
I took, I also tried a testosterone that was like, I saw on the internet, you know, I fell
00:38:53.460
into one of those deals one night and, you know, I bought like a couple of weird shirts
00:38:57.780
on Facebook and next, you know, I'm buying like tests some from some company who's mailing
00:39:03.180
And they mailed it with like some eye in like a fucking, like that's what, you know, shit
00:39:07.560
is a little weird when they're mailing you all the needles and the ice and stuff.
00:39:11.460
Um, and I tried that for a while, made some of my hair fall out.
00:39:17.020
I noticed that that was a bad side effect from it, which was a little scary.
00:39:32.760
I found myself running to the edge of the fence if the mail guy would drive off.
00:39:37.640
I had a guy, a friend of mine that was in college.
00:39:41.460
It was juicing and the way that he would snap after a while, I was like, yo, like this
00:39:48.920
guy's about to fucking rip somebody's arm out of its side.
00:40:01.960
Oh, there was nothing like juicing back in the day, dude.
00:40:10.240
And nobody knew he was, he was just like, he'd grown up fighting.
00:40:13.820
And then, so then people would just think he was gay and around, then he'd beat the shit
00:40:22.200
Like you're saying like people want to put you in one box.
00:40:30.860
We're both bus boys and we became buddies and we started shooting up and we'd pull over
00:40:35.880
on the side of the interstate and stuff like that and just douse each other up and we're
00:40:40.840
Um, it was right around when princess Diana had died too.
00:40:47.400
But I remember we would do a bunch of steroids and I remember the first day I was in class
00:40:53.160
where I guess the teacher had given me like every quarter she had this stack of papers
00:40:57.060
and she would turn them all back to the students.
00:40:59.120
She gave me the stack and I'd had the stack before and it was usually kind of heavy in
00:41:03.620
my hands and I just remember like she gave me the stack and I was like, Oh, isn't that
00:41:15.960
So I remember walking around with this stack and I was like, Oh, I'm a fucking different
00:41:21.640
And then I was doing all kinds of shit and I would buy shit that wasn't even stored
00:41:26.020
And I was fucking at diarrhea for like three months one time, horribly.
00:41:33.000
If I took some kind of oil, like I think some illegal oils or whatever, there was some
00:41:39.020
things that I wish I hadn't taken, you know, probably, but at that time where it was so
00:41:43.420
rare to get it one time, somebody, we all went to Mexico for, um, school year thing or
00:41:51.100
something, end of school and people bought it back in shampoo bottles.
00:41:55.240
So then you were fucking doing this sudsy bubbly fucking really?
00:42:00.260
Like you felt like slippery all the time, but you were still doing it.
00:42:04.080
I wish I, I remember being scared to try in high school.
00:42:08.940
And there was a couple of dudes that were doing it in high school, which I thought was
00:42:12.020
like, because back then for me, like all you'd heard was like, uh, Lyle Alzado.
00:42:19.040
And I was like, Oh, steroids are like the worst.
00:42:20.720
And then there's a couple of kids, like 16 year old kids, you know, on steroids.
00:42:24.500
And one of them looked like a fuck, like it looked like a bodybuilder.
00:42:32.400
And you kind of were like, that'd be fucking pretty nice.
00:42:37.520
Jacked, but I still was like, nah, if I do that, I'll die.
00:42:48.580
I saw him on a break and I was like, I mean, he looked like a gorilla.
00:42:53.420
He's like, they got me on this shit called Darth Vader.
00:42:57.880
Like, yeah, I was like, I fucking see it, dude.
00:43:06.980
Remember they had that movie that came out about Florida State?
00:43:12.100
I think there was something, there was definitely, it was big.
00:43:15.240
It was big to get, if you could get on some roids.
00:43:17.580
And then like, yeah, you would get a girl who was like,
00:43:26.340
She'd write that at the end of every like love letter or whatever.
00:43:32.760
She sees what you do to tables and windows and shit.
00:43:37.940
There was a couple of times where I fucking snapped, man,
00:43:40.040
where you would be shocked at some of your own behaviors, you know?
00:43:45.380
and you're just able to do something insane, you know?
00:43:48.640
Were you doing like traditional lifts when you were juicing too?
00:43:51.540
Like bench, squat, deadlift, that kind of stuff?
00:43:58.360
I probably got to maybe 260, maybe I could bench, 245 or 260,
00:44:09.000
But I definitely remember, and I never thought I looked okay,
00:44:12.520
so I really had some deficiency with my own brain.
00:44:17.180
I'd be embarrassed to take my shirt off at places.
00:44:22.060
The unlimited fucking like, I feel like Burt should just turn his stomach,
00:44:26.660
get a nipple put on his, just make a third tit, you know?
00:44:35.800
Bro, how sick would that be if you went to see Burt?
00:44:38.080
He's got two nipples and then like a little curtain and he pulls it over.
00:44:44.240
God, I saw a lady last night with the craziest tits.
00:44:48.760
It was just, you know when they were such outrageous tits?
00:44:58.740
And she was wearing the, you know, the like the top that goes here,
00:45:05.720
So, I mean, just covering, like you could almost see the beginning of a nipple
00:45:11.160
And then she has this little body and part of you just wants to go like,
00:45:15.100
hey, just, why don't you just take a moment in the room and just go,
00:45:23.060
Like why are we going to pretend like we're gazing past you?
00:45:35.680
Yeah, and then guys are like talking to me about other things.
00:45:37.840
I go, we're going to talk about her tits first.
00:45:42.700
I'm like, what do you think we're going to like gloss over this?
00:45:51.680
It's like when someone's in a wheelchair and they try to pretend they're not in a wheelchair.
00:46:00.700
Or like, I almost hit my head on that door frame.
00:46:05.400
Give me a couple of lines about what it's like.
00:46:15.400
Oh, The Undertaker came out to the show last night.
00:46:23.840
He was just describing some of it, not like in a braggy way, just saying that they lived here.
00:46:31.960
The nicest, like one of the nicest guys I've ever met.
00:46:52.220
God, Ron looks great for, I mean, Ron is like 48.
00:47:08.780
Full head of white hair is pretty fucking cool, dude.
00:47:13.980
No, I went over to, it's so crazy to say it, The Undertaker's house.
00:47:24.380
It was just to check out a piece of workout equipment.
00:47:27.840
And the people that I was talking to, I was like, I'd like to, they're like, do you want this thing?
00:47:30.980
I go, I'd like to try it before I go, I want this thing.
00:47:34.640
And then they go, we could, like, I have another client that, you know, would let you.
00:47:41.340
And then they just, like, in a text, they were like, hey, Tom, this is Mark.
00:47:49.020
They're like, just so you know, Mark is The Undertaker.
00:47:58.820
I mean, he was, yeah, he was like, here's a muffin.
00:48:00.920
He was just like, no, but he was like, and then he was just like, yeah, try whatever you want.
00:48:07.420
And then he was like, well, it was a real pleasure meeting you.
00:48:12.260
And then later on, I go, thanks a lot for, you know, allowing us.
00:48:16.300
And he sent, like, the most, like, the most gracious text of, like, it was an absolute pleasure to welcome you into my home.
00:48:42.320
Yeah, because if people bet on you or Bert to die, people would go, Bert, huh?
00:49:07.940
But then, like, that guy that owns that mattress company, he'd be like, I'm going to put 10 million on Tom.
00:49:21.240
No, because the vet's going to take for it to probably be a D at least a semi decent amount of time.
00:49:31.000
If you bet the under on Bert, I think you could you could see some money.
00:49:38.600
But yeah, that MRI on Bert must just come back.
00:49:47.060
He was doing the thing that people do who are, you know, who don't live healthy and are scared, which he was like avoiding like blood work and stuff.
00:50:01.880
And you could see like he was like fidgeting and shit.
00:50:06.400
He's like, just waiting for the phone call about my blood work.
00:50:12.320
And honestly, like all joking aside, you could be like, you're like, this might be like a serious call you get.
00:50:18.220
And like then I just he FaceTimes me and he's like, what's up, bro?
00:50:26.940
And he was like, the doctor told me to go celebrate with a drink.
00:50:37.880
I'm going to give you the number of another doctor.
00:50:44.360
There's a Baskin Robbins in the distance of the FaceTime.
00:50:56.840
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00:54:07.700
Do you remember the first hit you ever saw as a child and how it went out?
00:54:33.920
I mean, you know what I do remember is, and this is really, it's sad that I feel like this generation doesn't, won't, just can't really experience this unless they make like a concerted effort.
00:54:47.040
It's that there used to be just like such an excitement around a woman in a bikini.
00:54:52.860
Or if you just saw a breast, like just a nude woman, you were like, wow, right?
00:54:58.960
And then you realize that, like if you wanted to obviously to see something like hardcore, you really had to make a real effort.
00:55:06.960
And now like, you know, you pick up, people have their like pornography libraries in their pocket.
00:55:12.880
And so, like that excitement level is like, their bar for it is so elevated, which I think is kind of sad.
00:55:25.000
You know, they don't realize that, like, just like the idea of sex, the fantasy of it would be like enough for a long time.
00:55:33.900
And then you're exposed to things where you're like, whoa, shit.
00:55:37.380
Like, that's when like you can really make a knock on that it's bad to have access to anything and everything.
00:55:43.300
I remember seeing like erotic art and being like, oh, this is actually pretty cool.
00:55:51.080
There's like these really great accounts on Instagram.
00:55:54.680
You realize if you like, if you see them, you're letting your mind do the thing.
00:56:00.660
I think it's actually a much healthier thing to do.
00:56:06.140
It's, yeah, I mean, like, and I'm very careful when I say it because I never like to bash them.
00:56:13.640
Like, I feel like they're, you know, I know people in that industry.
00:56:21.620
But I do feel like there's like anything, everything requires some balance.
00:56:27.700
And like you can go overboard on anything, on food, on drinking, and definitely on pornography or something.
00:56:32.600
And yeah, I just feel like it's, it's much better for you if you're young.
00:56:37.700
I would be like, you know, if you're in that age where you want to like explore that and you're, when I say young, I just mean like, you know.
00:56:44.660
You know, you're getting into your sexual exploration.
00:56:48.620
Like, man, try erotic art and see what it does for your brain.
00:56:55.140
Because just like having this access to, like, just your search words and just seeing it play out, it's like, what'll happen is like, it's actually, it's not a theory.
00:57:06.520
Your brain starts to, with time, reduce the dopamine levels that you're feeling.
00:57:16.600
But because all you have to do is type in what you like, then when you see it, you're like, oh, here's a little less.
00:57:23.840
And then the next search, you get a little less of it.
00:57:26.460
And then pretty soon, the thing that was exciting to you, it doesn't even give you a thrill.
00:57:31.800
That's why you hear people, they go, I had to raise the stakes.
00:57:35.740
And they just keep raising and getting crazier with it.
00:57:38.800
Because it's too, like, if it's too easy to access, you're not going to feel the excitement.
00:57:45.460
I mean, when we were, like, coming up as, like, teens and stuff, I mean.
00:57:57.540
Just seeing them lay around, like, by the pool or, like, just hang out in the, watching a television on the couch.
00:58:05.540
You'd be like, this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened.
00:58:09.520
Dude, I remember a girl asking me to hold her necklace while she swam one time.
00:58:18.200
Because I just had never even held something of a woman's world.
00:58:22.680
I remember going to some girl's birthday party or something.
00:58:25.600
And she invited, like, all the kids from the class or whatever.
00:58:28.060
And, like, we would all, like, run into her sister's room and, like, try to find her underpants and stuff.
00:58:43.880
I remember hiding in my buddy's hamper at his house.
00:58:51.400
And I'd hide in there for a fucking hour and just huff those cubs.
00:59:02.020
It was, like, a green color they don't even make anymore.
00:59:10.140
It was, like, an old kind of pukish green, almost.
00:59:24.480
But now it's just, like, you put in something next thing you know.
00:59:27.240
And I think nowadays, by the time you're 17, you don't even care about sec.
00:59:53.600
He had not bathed with water or soap for over 60 years.
01:00:00.100
I guess he would smoke a pipe filled with animal excrement.
01:00:03.860
And he believed that cleanliness would make him ill.
01:00:09.960
Because maybe cleanliness is what's killing us.
01:00:17.380
If you think about in the history of human beings, it's only in the last.
01:00:39.500
Like, a lot of autism could be caused by metals and different soaps and things like that.
01:00:47.100
Because this dude doesn't look like he has autism.
01:00:56.400
Do you think there's just a level where you just stop smelling?
01:01:00.740
Like, a couple weeks in, you're like, you smell like shit, man.
01:01:03.880
But then after, like, I don't know, 30 years, you're just probably like, yeah.
01:01:09.760
Like, he maybe doesn't, I bet you he tastes real bad, but I bet you the smell just kind
01:01:14.860
of, it hit a level that your body, it's just trying to tell you a signal, stay away
01:01:21.160
Dude, when people can plant things on your back, that's probably a crazy time for somebody.
01:01:29.200
I wonder what I'd want to be the world's wettest man.
01:01:34.220
Did you ever have a record you wanted to try and get?
01:01:38.940
Like, there's an age group where you're, like, an age range.
01:01:42.680
That was the biggest, when that book came out at the book fair or whatever, it was like,
01:01:48.160
Remember the Chinese kids all hanging off the bicycle?
01:01:51.120
It was like one guy had, like, 40 Chinese people on his bike.
01:01:54.440
There's so many weird, now they're even, like, they're so insane.
01:01:58.580
I remember, and also, it's funny, my seven-year-old has the, because they release books now of
01:02:08.680
But I was watching their account, and this is, I was like, okay, this shows you where
01:02:13.900
It was a guy attempting to break the world record for the most pine needles broken at
01:02:23.440
And so he was hanging from, like, by one hand, and he's jumping into a box of pine needles.
01:02:31.900
But that's when you're, like, I just need to be in the book.
01:02:37.840
But that makes you realize that we could definitely just come up with one where they'll be like,
01:02:45.340
Dude, you and Bert should get a Guinness record.
01:02:53.520
I feel like I could see you guys getting something very unique.
01:03:05.420
It's not like if you heard, you'd be like, damn, I could never do that.
01:03:10.880
I want you guys to meet Larry, you know, and we did all the pine needles.
01:03:14.060
I used to have, like, when I was younger, like, crazy flexibility with my index finger.
01:03:19.860
And I used to be able to, like, lay it flat against my hand.
01:03:24.460
And I remember having the illusion in my mind that in some way.
01:03:36.240
I'll be that little trebuchet or I'll do something.
01:03:41.580
But I was actually, I think, as little, as, like, young boys, we were just fascinated by,
01:03:45.720
just remember, like, Robert Wadlow, like, the tallest guy ever.
01:03:55.380
Like, anything that was, like, this is a huge person, I was like, that's, yeah.
01:04:06.400
I'm just guessing, but he seems like they grow some long stuff out there.
01:04:14.180
You would never want to be, everybody wants to be taller.
01:04:24.460
Look at him with his family down there on the left.
01:04:32.880
That this dude is nearly two feet taller than Shaq.
01:04:48.580
Yeah, it seems like, I mean, they are at perfect blowjob height, but it's still, like, it's not what you want.
01:04:59.720
To stand there and have someone, and they're standing as well.
01:05:02.600
I think it would feel very informed, like, or just natural, more natural than somebody having to get down on their knees.
01:05:13.300
A girl told me that she dated a very well-known NBA player who was really tall.
01:05:21.520
And she was like, yeah, I could just blow him standing up.
01:05:33.480
Think about what he's done and what you've done.
01:05:37.400
He's got a couple rings and you remember standing up to blow them.
01:05:45.300
It would almost be like using a water fountain that you didn't have to bend over to use.
01:06:01.380
Garth Brooks is, he's going to have Bud Light at his bar, Tommy.
01:06:13.780
I want it to be the Chick-fil-A of Honky Tonks about his new bar in Nashville.
01:06:21.340
I want it to be a place where you feel like there are manners and people like one another.
01:06:31.880
If you go down, he says, and yes, we're going to serve every brand of beer.
01:06:45.420
If you're an asshole, there are plenty of other places on Lower Broadway.
01:06:55.080
Do you want to hear something that I just heard?
01:06:57.940
So I've talked about him quite a bit, about Garth Brooks.
01:07:03.060
And I found out, this is, dude, I found out, first I got word about a year ago from like
01:07:21.840
And they're like, he's just like, doesn't get it.
01:07:24.560
Like, doesn't know why you're talking about him.
01:07:28.820
And then recently, I guess, so he just blocked me on Instagram.
01:07:33.400
And I was like, oh, it's finally, he finally blocked me, you know?
01:07:38.780
And then the person, another person told me, they go, yeah, I heard, this person said to
01:07:44.320
me that they heard from a reliable source that when my name comes up to him, that he
01:07:52.140
on his phone shows the video of me playing basketball and falling, and he goes, karma.
01:08:05.520
That a serial killer is finding it in their heart to say karma for the other person.
01:08:11.580
Like, this man has, I mean, people are saying this man is responsible for hundreds of missing
01:08:23.280
Well, yes, somebody matched up, I saw something where they matched up, like, his tour dates
01:08:27.440
That's the whole, like, that's the premise of this idea.
01:08:29.720
Like, people are, like, saying that I'm, you know, like, trolling the guy.
01:08:33.860
All I'm doing is repeating what I have heard, that allegedly his tour schedule aligns with,
01:08:42.940
And so, I mean, it's just something that, like, at least you would bring up and talk.
01:08:47.440
It's like, why do people talk about UFOs, you know?
01:08:51.220
Why have the conversation about something in the, like, well, because people are saying
01:08:56.620
that that could be a visitor from another planet.
01:09:00.160
Like, are we not going to have even a conversation about it?
01:09:02.840
If 75 people are missing, and they're all in cities that, like, he had just done.
01:09:18.980
But that's the smile and the stare of a guy who has never done anything illegal?
01:09:30.860
You wouldn't even know if somebody was missing or if you'd put somebody somewhere or not.
01:09:49.960
But we actually had a dog that can smell, you know, a corpse.
01:10:00.020
And then he'd be like, I don't, I'm Garth Brooks.
01:10:10.540
The dog actually had a seizure on your property.
01:10:32.440
Has there been like a really interesting guest that came out?
01:10:34.460
I know Brad Pitt came out to one of your shows, which had to have been really insane.
01:10:45.500
Because once you meet them, you kind of have met them.
01:10:52.720
But then there's people where you're like, that was awesome.
01:10:56.140
And they're either as cool or cooler than your brain imagines.
01:11:10.180
And then like security came to like check out the place.
01:11:17.300
I mean, honestly, somebody in his position should have that.
01:11:23.080
Like he's like, well, if I see that like a place is a problem, I'll just be like, I don't
01:11:29.420
You know, like a club or like a restaurant or like it's not good area.
01:11:33.600
And he's like, you know, he's just like seeing where, where things are.
01:11:37.220
And he's like, so I just, I'm like his advanced guy.
01:11:46.340
And then he came in, he couldn't have been, he just couldn't have been nicer.
01:11:52.380
The funniest is when a very famous person was like, hey, I'm Brad.
01:11:58.760
And I thought a lot of times I've had other notable people.
01:12:02.960
And what they do is they, they, they, they leave during something, you know, like famous
01:12:11.940
He stayed the whole show, came back after the show.
01:12:20.060
Then, uh, I ran into, well, I ended up befriending Jason Momoa, Aquaman.
01:12:33.460
No, we, we went to a bar and we hung out with like, I don't know, a group for like 10
01:12:41.120
But he couldn't have been like, he's a real down to earth guy.
01:12:58.060
You know, and then Izzy came out in Auckland too.
01:13:04.780
There's something really interesting about him.
01:13:06.340
There's something really amazing about New Zealanders in general.
01:13:10.460
And I think he has a, a really, it's a, fighters are fascinating to sign up for that lifestyle.
01:13:19.320
Like to be like, I'm going to, I'm going to do battle for a living.
01:13:25.300
But yeah, he, he came again in this most recent tour.
01:13:28.740
And, um, I just, uh, I just enjoy the guy's energy, you know, just being around him, just
01:13:37.480
And, uh, very inspirational, whether he wins or loses, they're very, he's very inspirational.
01:13:42.360
There's something about a lot of them, whether they win or lose, cause you just value so much
01:13:47.980
Because they're, they're actually really putting it.
01:13:50.000
It's, it's, you know what it is like inherently human beings.
01:13:54.500
And if you're a fighter, the stakes are very clear.
01:13:57.580
Like you're, you're putting your, your physical body on the line to, to win or lose.
01:14:03.700
And so everybody, we, we just respect the fact that like, you're going to like punch and
01:14:11.500
And like, there's, this could have like real lasting effect.
01:14:13.740
So we just respect it so much, but I like that dude's energy.
01:14:18.400
Um, and it, and I do find it inspiring to be around him.
01:14:25.920
I was trying to think if I had anything else I wanted to ask you, Zach, anything coming
01:14:31.580
Um, we're watching this video, this like short guy standing up to these dudes in a parking
01:15:13.120
Just go ahead and get in the car and make your home safe, man.
01:15:19.860
Fucking Lee Syatt is like, I fucking took this shit down.
01:15:32.080
How is there not a call to a welfare line or something for that guy, dude?
01:15:36.080
Because I love Joey Diaz, but he was actually like a virus to that man.
01:15:41.020
Like, do you know what has happened to Lee since party?
01:15:57.800
He looks exactly like the guy we just saw in the last video.
01:16:05.660
He'd be like, you're not doing well enough, Lee.
01:16:07.240
You need another couple 2,000 milligrams, dude.
01:16:16.700
Lee couldn't say anything, so he would be like, I'd be like, Lee.
01:16:25.280
He was just sitting there, snoring, sitting down, like, snoring in his seat.
01:16:31.780
And then Joey's like, look at this fucking idiot.
01:16:52.060
There should be a documentary one day made on Joey and Lee and, like, coming back together.
01:17:08.840
This is like the guy on the left, Lee, gets locked up in prison with the veteran.
01:17:39.980
When I got there, there was, look at that fucking pillow somebody made.
01:17:44.060
Have you done, have you seen the one, have you seen the one on, where Lee is, like, he falls asleep alone on.
01:17:55.940
And then he's, like, and he comes to, he's, like, oh, fuck.
01:18:06.000
And he's, like, I don't even know what's happening.
01:18:08.240
He's, like, he's streaming or something, like, on Twitch.
01:18:16.920
Dude, the best, one time I went in and there was a squeal in the headphones when I went in.
01:18:20.740
I was, like, Lee, there's some feedback or something.
01:18:23.000
By the end, two and a half hours later, Lee was like this.
01:18:55.860
And that's just, that is, if Joey is really close to you, this happens to you.
01:19:06.720
He's done it a couple times, but the worst one was when I was in Miami.
01:19:14.780
And it just fucking, it ruined two days of my life.
01:19:20.960
And, I mean, I was, like, just, I mean, I was crying and shit.
01:19:31.220
And he's, like, oh, you need a baby Xanax right now.
01:19:36.120
I'm, like, I don't think this is the fucking formula.
01:19:41.360
And when I finally, like, recovered, I called him.
01:19:56.060
He's, like, nah, you know, you were getting, you know, a little.
01:20:20.280
Now you get back to chopping up vinegar and carrots.
01:20:24.120
And you're, like, the fuck are you talking about, man?
01:20:28.800
He'll say shit like that and then fucking just disappear, dude.
01:20:37.660
Look, if that doesn't do it, I don't know what does.
01:20:41.080
Tom Segura, thanks for hanging out with us, man.
01:20:59.980
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.