This Past Weekend with Theo Von

00:00:00.000 We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.

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00:00:28.580 See AirCanada.com.

00:00:30.000 We have some new tour dates, and these are some new ones.

00:00:33.160 Memphis, Tennessee, we've added a show.

00:00:35.860 August 4th and 5th at the Cannon Center for the Performing Arts.

00:00:40.820 I know the Chattanooga show sold out.

00:00:43.540 Don't worry.

00:00:44.580 Don't go get a fancy price ticket.

00:00:46.640 We will come back, and you'll have another opportunity.

00:00:51.000 Toronto, Ontario.

00:00:54.160 August 30th, an 8th show added in Toronto.

00:00:56.920 San Jose, California.

00:00:58.460 We've added a second show.

00:01:00.400 September 14th and 13th.

00:01:04.700 Oakland, California.

00:01:07.200 September 16th at the Paramount.

00:01:09.660 Akron, Ohio.

00:01:10.820 We've added a show on the 8th or 7th.

00:01:15.420 Washington, D.C.

00:01:17.460 We've added a show.

00:01:19.660 October 19th and 20th.

00:01:21.360 If your city is sold out, just keep an eye out.

00:01:24.560 We'll come back through.

00:01:26.320 We also have some tickets left for Windsor, Ontario on August 18th.

00:01:31.680 Get your tickets through TheoVaughn.com slash T-O-U-R.

00:01:36.420 And thank you so much for coming out and supporting the Return of the Rat Tour.

00:01:39.480 Today's guest is an iconic comedian, actor.

00:01:44.340 I watched one of his movies not long ago.

00:01:46.120 So good.

00:01:48.020 This is his second time on the podcast.

00:01:50.080 He's out of Indiana.

00:01:52.940 And he has a new special coming out on Amazon next week called Dark Pale.

00:01:59.080 He has a new television series, too.

00:02:01.380 You can check out called Full Circle on Max.

00:02:04.260 I'm grateful to chop it up with my buddy today, Mr. Jim Gaffigan.

00:02:08.780 Shine that light on me

00:02:12.920 I'll sit and tell you my stories

00:02:18.620 Shine on me

00:02:23.620 And I will find a song

00:02:27.820 I've been singing

00:02:29.000 I don't know what you're, you know, if you're with a podcasting thing or, but it's like, the impact.

00:02:45.600 See, that looks better, bro.

00:02:46.760 Yeah, that looks nice.

00:02:47.840 I'm a good looking guy.

00:02:49.780 Yeah, well.

00:02:52.200 So does it feel like you're getting, like you've got something special here?

00:02:56.940 It feels like it's getting busier?

00:02:57.960 Yeah.

00:02:58.720 Yeah, it feels like it's getting busier.

00:03:01.080 I feel like we've been really lucky.

00:03:06.600 I think we're independent, too, since we don't work with a network.

00:03:10.540 I think that people like that.

00:03:12.340 What is the, what makes you connect with people?

00:03:19.640 I mean, it's the everyman thing, but it's also like, is there another, you know, authenticity?

00:03:26.500 People crave that, right?

00:03:28.080 Yeah, maybe they do.

00:03:29.060 I think they probably do, especially these days, you know?

00:03:32.000 Yeah.

00:03:32.300 I think we want to try and, I mean, yeah, if I hear something that seems, that's real

00:03:38.140 or somebody's talking about something that means something to them, I think it means a

00:03:41.640 lot.

00:03:43.380 Yeah.

00:03:44.020 I don't know why.

00:03:45.280 We've been really fortunate.

00:03:47.880 I, you know.

00:03:48.380 Um, yeah, we've had, we've gotten to have some unique guests.

00:03:54.360 I think, you know, I've always enjoyed talking to all different types of people.

00:03:58.080 You know, I think I'm, I'm a late learner, kind of, you know, some podcasters, they have

00:04:03.320 a lot of information.

00:04:04.960 Right.

00:04:05.360 I don't have it.

00:04:07.240 Right.

00:04:07.980 But I am curious about a lot of stuff.

00:04:10.800 Curiosity is key, right?

00:04:12.880 Yeah.

00:04:13.780 Yeah.

00:04:14.160 And I think I want to learn still, you know?

00:04:16.480 Yeah, you look, but you look handsome, man.

00:04:18.160 Oh, thank you.

00:04:18.960 What's the most handsome you've ever felt in your life?

00:04:21.240 You ever think about that?

00:04:22.100 Like, was there ever a...

00:04:22.780 That's a very good question.

00:04:25.120 Um, you know, as a male model, uh, I struggle with it.

00:04:28.560 No, I don't think I've ever really felt particularly handsome.

00:04:34.940 I always seem to look at pictures from the past and go, oh, that was, I should have been

00:04:41.320 happier.

00:04:43.160 Right?

00:04:44.380 Yeah.

00:04:44.980 I, you know, and I, my, you know, having teeth.

00:04:48.160 Teenagers, you know, it's so brutal being a teenager.

00:04:52.060 And I'm like, dude, you got a good, you know, but your metabolism's working still.

00:04:57.860 Yeah.

00:04:58.640 You can, you know, you can have a pint of ice cream that's not, doesn't make a dent.

00:05:03.260 Your dexterity.

00:05:04.600 Yeah.

00:05:05.200 Your hair health is even, your hair is strong.

00:05:08.100 You know, like, we, you know, like...

00:05:09.360 You don't have a mustache yet?

00:05:10.680 But they don't, they don't hear, like, when people, like, aches and pains, they don't

00:05:16.280 have aches and pains, really.

00:05:18.000 Not a chance.

00:05:19.180 But I don't know.

00:05:19.960 I never really, I never really felt, uh, particularly good looking.

00:05:25.020 I feel like I've never been, that's never been an asset.

00:05:30.540 How about you?

00:05:31.140 I, you seem like, I feel like in Nord, in like a Nordic area, you would have, you would

00:05:36.920 be a, I could see you being a, like a...

00:05:41.980 Like Hasselhoff in Sweden?

00:05:43.760 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:46.280 No, no.

00:05:47.940 I, that's very kind of you.

00:05:51.080 Like a Nordic kind of mountain model.

00:05:53.260 There is, there, you know, like among comedians, there is like, there is this strange thing

00:06:02.480 where I think, uh, some comedians get embraced as being attractive, but I don't think that's

00:06:11.400 in my, that's not a theoretical thing that, you know, like Steve Carell, like I think there

00:06:17.940 was like, this is just maybe me, you know, getting it from Twitter, but, you know, women

00:06:23.740 were like, Steve Carell, you know, it's like, I'm like, Steve Carell?

00:06:27.700 Yeah, that's, and so...

00:06:29.580 I didn't see that coming.

00:06:30.420 Yeah, but I don't think that's, that's not in the likelihood or the possibility for me.

00:06:36.160 What about like in the 1700s or something?

00:06:40.720 Like, was there a time period, you think?

00:06:42.780 Because I mean, I think, I think you're a handsome, your height, you're tall, so that

00:06:46.460 gives you some handsomeness.

00:06:47.660 Pale, you know, and then there was the Rubenesque period, like, you know, like being, uh, being

00:06:55.700 pudgy means that you're not poor, and being pale means that you're not working in the field,

00:07:01.760 but I don't think that's been relevant.

00:07:03.620 Oh, you'd have been the rock, dude, in the 1600s.

00:07:06.340 1600s, I would have been, people would have been, there would have been posters.

00:07:09.480 I mean, they all would have been drawn.

00:07:12.200 They're like, did you see how, how pale and fat that guy is?

00:07:16.120 Oh my God.

00:07:16.980 God, he's beautiful.

00:07:18.040 He's so hot.

00:07:18.940 Is that Emily Ratajkowski?

00:07:20.640 Right?

00:07:21.140 I would be like the male Ratajkowski of, think about like the breakthrough.

00:07:28.880 I mean, there's so many beautiful women, but Emily Ratajkowski, like you brought that up.

00:07:33.480 I knew exactly what you mean.

00:07:35.080 What is it about her?

00:07:36.400 And how long have you been dating her?

00:07:38.440 Yeah.

00:07:38.760 Because it's not out of the possibilities.

00:07:41.520 I'm a married man, but I don't know.

00:07:43.340 You could date her.

00:07:44.800 I don't get Emily Ratajkowski.

00:07:46.980 I get.

00:07:47.760 You don't get, you don't get it?

00:07:49.520 You don't.

00:07:49.720 I get that she's pretty.

00:07:51.400 Yeah.

00:07:51.720 I get that.

00:07:53.360 Yeah.

00:07:53.580 She looks pretty to me, but I don't get hit on by that type of gal.

00:07:58.780 No.

00:07:59.260 No.

00:08:00.240 I get.

00:08:03.100 Who do I get?

00:08:04.760 Well, let me, let's put it out there.

00:08:06.620 I get a lot of like people, like, you know, kind of rural women will send me like a nude

00:08:13.480 picture, kind of be like, drive out here and eat this.

00:08:16.460 They'll say stuff like that.

00:08:17.700 Because they're ladies, right?

00:08:19.800 Good point.

00:08:20.700 And they're, but they're like, they're, it sounds like it involves some travel.

00:08:25.040 Yeah.

00:08:25.500 Well, it's out.

00:08:26.320 A lot of them are outside of the city limits.

00:08:27.900 It's a connecting flight too, which is like, you're like, you know, but you know, I'm kind

00:08:34.860 of, uh, I'm kind of a suburban rural guy too.

00:08:40.320 Oh yeah.

00:08:41.180 You know what I mean?

00:08:41.660 So like, I think, and I don't know if we talked about this last time, but like there is something

00:08:46.860 of, I mean, look, I love, I live in New York and I've lived in New York for 30 years,

00:08:52.600 but like when I, like these different markets, you know, uh, these cities are smaller towns.

00:09:00.740 Like I have, I have a good time there.

00:09:04.200 Like when I hang out in Cedar Rapids or Fort Wayne, I'm like, and I'll go to a restaurant.

00:09:11.240 I'm like, yeah, this is, this feels very familiar.

00:09:15.060 And like, want your pie first, sir?

00:09:17.380 No, no.

00:09:18.420 But do you know what I'm saying?

00:09:19.520 Oh yeah.

00:09:19.920 It's like a steakhouse in Cedar Rapids.

00:09:22.620 Yeah.

00:09:22.900 That's, I'd prefer that than a super fancy restaurant in New York or LA.

00:09:28.440 Yeah.

00:09:28.880 That's a good point, man.

00:09:29.660 I think I do too.

00:09:30.540 I think you feel more at ease, more comfortable, more likely to see a fight.

00:09:35.680 I feel like there's more, you know, somebody will come over and say, they like your blouse

00:09:42.460 or your shirt or something.

00:09:43.700 You can wear an apron in there and people don't look at you weird.

00:09:46.580 Yeah.

00:09:46.900 You know, like there is, like if a guy, no one's in, uh, an outfit.

00:09:53.340 Like that's, like if no one's kind of dressing, uh, like Eddie Vedder, they, they dress like

00:10:02.320 Eddie Vedder.

00:10:02.900 Yeah.

00:10:03.340 Do you know what I mean?

00:10:05.540 Yeah.

00:10:06.060 Yeah.

00:10:06.220 Yeah.

00:10:06.900 And you'll see, you'll see the most beautiful women.

00:10:09.960 Oh God.

00:10:10.780 Yeah.

00:10:11.380 The most beautiful.

00:10:11.800 Like you ever been to like.

00:10:13.480 That's Monsanto dude.

00:10:15.080 Monsanto will preserve a babe.

00:10:17.160 You know what I'm saying?

00:10:18.000 And you get some of those field dames, those daughters of farmhands, brother.

00:10:22.400 Oh, well, I, I just think of like times when I, you know, I've been on bus tours with my

00:10:27.120 family and we'll go horseback riding and there will be just like working at some horse ranch.

00:10:33.320 The most beautiful woman in the world.

00:10:36.960 And, you know, she probably sleeps with the horses and she smells like the horses, but not

00:10:43.120 an ounce of makeup on her.

00:10:44.780 And she's better looking than any woman in the city.

00:10:47.600 Yeah.

00:10:48.840 Anyway, I'm a great guy.

00:10:50.420 I don't know if I brought that up.

00:10:52.200 No, I think, look, it's, you seem like a great guy.

00:10:55.040 And I think it's, um, yeah, it's interesting.

00:10:58.500 I think the, like beauty, like how we feel beauty, how we feel if we're handsome, I think

00:11:04.700 it's interesting because I'll look at old pictures of myself as well.

00:11:08.040 And it'd be like, man, you had a chance with girls.

00:11:11.260 You didn't think you had any chance in the world, but you had a, you were, or you just

00:11:17.140 thought so lowly of yourself, but man, you were doing good.

00:11:20.900 Yeah.

00:11:21.340 Now I wasted the time.

00:11:23.160 That's what I feel like.

00:11:23.980 Sometimes I go back on it.

00:11:25.560 Well, I think there's, uh, anxiety.

00:11:28.120 Uh, and you know, there's the chemicals racing through you when you're a teenager.

00:11:33.760 It's hard.

00:11:34.440 By the way, I think, uh, you know, having a couple of teenagers, I think it's way harder

00:11:39.600 to be a teenager now than it was.

00:11:41.280 Was it really?

00:11:42.040 Oh, brutal.

00:11:44.200 So when we went to high school, we were compared to this pool of people in our school.

00:11:51.760 I mean, kids today, they're compared to everyone on social media.

00:11:58.280 It's brutal.

00:11:59.800 Oh, that's true.

00:12:00.480 I never thought about that.

00:12:01.480 And so like, also the adventures that we would go on to like find, you know, mushroom weed

00:12:10.440 or, or, or pornography, it was an adventure.

00:12:14.480 And now it's kind of thrust on these kids.

00:12:18.280 And so, you know, I'm sure there's scientific explanation, but it's almost like, you know,

00:12:24.660 you had to go on a scavenger hunt to even get in trouble, uh, at least for me.

00:12:30.760 Right.

00:12:31.160 So there was a journey to it too, you know?

00:12:33.280 Whereas now it's, it's, you know, you, you know, it's pretty easy.

00:12:38.400 You can get it delivered now.

00:12:39.980 You know what I mean?

00:12:40.640 Yeah.

00:12:41.200 And that's great when you're 30, 40, but like when you're 15 or 18, it's like, it's almost

00:12:51.620 too easy to get weed now.

00:12:54.400 Oh yeah.

00:12:55.160 It's too easy to get a high.

00:12:56.260 It's too easy to get anything.

00:12:57.260 I mean, I remember with, with pornography, we had this dude in our neighborhood names,

00:13:01.720 they called him Skittle was his nickname.

00:13:03.300 And he was like, um, impaired or whatever.

00:13:07.840 Yeah.

00:13:08.120 You know, he had impairment.

00:13:09.620 Well, what kind of impairment?

00:13:11.920 He didn't have, uh, his legs didn't work.

00:13:14.220 Yeah.

00:13:14.680 So it was the, oh, he was, he was handicapped.

00:13:17.380 He was bipedal or whatever.

00:13:18.840 What is that called?

00:13:20.900 Paraplegic?

00:13:22.040 Paraplegic.

00:13:22.860 Yeah.

00:13:23.220 This para.

00:13:23.880 So like, just as like, was he in a wheelchair?

00:13:26.500 Yeah.

00:13:26.660 He was in a wheelchair, but sometimes they would, and then at the video store, they would, his

00:13:31.100 like, uh, handler or whatever, who was his cousin would push it, would like get him out

00:13:35.740 and let him crawl under the, uh, into the nudie room in there.

00:13:39.700 Oh, that's nice.

00:13:40.600 And people would be, I mean, you would kind of, cause you knew he was probably, and I

00:13:45.500 hate to say this, you knew he was never going to mate in his life, right?

00:13:48.080 Probably.

00:13:48.660 I mean, by the way.

00:13:49.140 But people would be so excited, you know, they'd be like Skittles in the nudie room.

00:13:52.760 Skittle.

00:13:52.880 You know?

00:13:53.480 And, and was he called Skittles because he enjoyed the candy Skittles or?

00:13:57.920 I don't know.

00:13:58.520 That's a good question.

00:13:59.420 I think he, uh, he, I think he liked all candies.

00:14:03.520 I remember, but he just, yeah, people, I don't know.

00:14:07.520 There was just something excited about him.

00:14:08.620 And people would be like, oh, Skittles in the nudie room and people would be so excited.

00:14:11.800 It's so amazing how there was a nudie room.

00:14:15.380 There was, there was, I mean, the, the Blockbuster was just kind of like, hey, we're not going to

00:14:20.700 have that.

00:14:21.640 Yeah.

00:14:21.760 We don't believe in that.

00:14:22.640 But like the off kind of like the independent stores, there would be, uh, there would be kind

00:14:30.280 of like movie, you know, like regular movies.

00:14:32.840 And then there would be like the, the R rated, I mean the, the kind of like naughty stuff.

00:14:38.620 And you would have to like, if you would go, even as a, you know, a teenager or like in

00:14:46.060 your twenties and you had curiosity, you needed a reason to go over there.

00:14:50.620 Right.

00:14:50.760 You needed to like, hey, why don't we go over here just to check it out?

00:14:55.300 Like you couldn't be like, you couldn't go in and make a beeline for it.

00:14:59.020 Yeah.

00:14:59.240 Yeah.

00:14:59.460 You had to be like, this is so silly.

00:15:01.480 What's this stuff?

00:15:02.700 Oh my gosh.

00:15:03.720 What's this?

00:15:04.560 Yeah.

00:15:04.720 Are they selling cigarettes in here?

00:15:06.400 Yeah.

00:15:06.420 What is, what is this?

00:15:07.500 Oh, this is gross.

00:15:09.180 Yeah.

00:15:09.280 Yeah.

00:15:09.560 Yeah.

00:15:11.760 But now a kid just turns on, I mean, by the way, Twitter, like, I don't know if you get

00:15:16.260 this.

00:15:16.440 Twitter's very dangerous.

00:15:17.760 It's like, there's like, just, I don't know, open the pictures just cause I'm a Christian.

00:15:22.940 Yeah.

00:15:23.180 But, uh, there's like, they, they said this, the spam or the robots send you pornography

00:15:29.660 and you're like, you know, I'm trying to like, cause you know, you, you go through a

00:15:36.920 process.

00:15:37.380 I think most men where you're like, all right, I'm going to set some boundaries.

00:15:43.640 There's nothing too productive in consuming pornography.

00:15:48.520 So I'm going to, I'm going to set up some boundaries or some barriers, but like when

00:15:52.660 it's thrown at you.

00:15:54.220 Yeah.

00:15:54.740 And why are robots doing that?

00:15:56.260 That makes me believe even more in like in UFOs when people are like, yeah, they took

00:15:59.720 me somewhere.

00:16:00.560 Yeah.

00:16:00.960 They put something in my butt and they dropped me back off.

00:16:03.860 Like it's always, they're always putting stuff in people's butts too.

00:16:08.140 And they, yeah.

00:16:08.880 But, and at first I'm like, are they, would they really do that?

00:16:11.160 But then now that I see that these other robots are just emailing people, like it's,

00:16:15.200 you know, these, like these bots or whatever, like emailing porn to people.

00:16:18.860 It's like, obviously these, these aliens are perverts.

00:16:23.160 I don't even, I don't know if it's aliens, but I don't know what, I mean, I guess I've

00:16:28.240 never clicked on it, but like it's, I guess it's to get you to watch their porn.

00:16:35.400 Right.

00:16:35.880 Yeah.

00:16:37.520 Yeah.

00:16:37.920 I think different people want you to like, come over here, step right up, you know?

00:16:41.380 Yeah.

00:16:41.720 We'll guess how much semen's in you, you know, we'll guess that, you know, your weight

00:16:45.100 and semen or whatever.

00:16:46.220 When I was a teenager, I thought you had a limited supply.

00:16:49.500 I thought you could run out.

00:16:51.360 Oh, dude.

00:16:52.020 I, the first erection I ever got, it was coming up and I thought it was a, like a poop in

00:16:58.480 my body that it was going the wrong way.

00:17:01.080 That's a, that's a normal response.

00:17:03.220 And I really thought it was a poop.

00:17:04.620 Yeah.

00:17:04.860 It was so scary.

00:17:05.540 Cause it was the same shape.

00:17:06.620 And I was like, Oh my God, dude, I, one of my poops is lost.

00:17:10.500 I mean, even like, it's just so, it was so scary.

00:17:14.480 Remember part of your body growing and people thought it would grow forever.

00:17:17.300 I had a buddy who got so scared.

00:17:18.980 He thought his, his whole body would grow into a wiener and like there would be nothing left

00:17:23.160 of him.

00:17:23.580 And then the wiener would grow and then it would go back and he would reform.

00:17:27.800 Yeah.

00:17:28.180 I just remember having leg spasms and, and did your nipples hurt?

00:17:33.660 Yeah.

00:17:34.240 Remember that?

00:17:34.900 No one talked to you about it.

00:17:36.120 Yeah.

00:17:36.660 Well, you know, when I was growing up, no one talked to you about any of that stuff.

00:17:40.860 You know, there was just like, there was just, you had to figure it out.

00:17:45.580 And I thought I was mentally ill.

00:17:47.060 I mean, I am mentally ill, but like I thought, Oh my God, you know, I'm like the biggest pervert

00:17:54.000 in the world.

00:17:55.040 And the reality is I was just like a 15 year old boy.

00:17:58.720 Yeah.

00:17:59.080 That's true.

00:17:59.620 You know what I mean?

00:18:00.680 No one was like, Hey, cause I've kind of done that.

00:18:04.320 I'm like, look, Hey, it's, it doesn't mean you're a bad person.

00:18:09.240 It just means I'm not saying engage in it.

00:18:12.280 You know, I'm not saying go full animal, uh, you know, even though some people do, but

00:18:17.740 like, you know, it doesn't mean you're a bad person.

00:18:21.140 Yeah.

00:18:21.500 It's true that you, yeah.

00:18:22.740 I think in the past it's, there's been a lot of that energy, like something, there's something

00:18:26.460 wrong with you.

00:18:27.620 Yeah.

00:18:27.960 Like if you walked up to a monkey at the zoo, cause monkeys, they say some of the monkeys

00:18:31.120 will, uh, masturbate and stuff six to seven times a day at the zoo.

00:18:35.080 So if you, if you saw somebody walk in there to one of them and be like, you know, sit

00:18:39.880 them down in a chair on the side of the shame, then say you're filthy.

00:18:43.980 Yeah.

00:18:44.220 You're filthy.

00:18:44.700 Stop behaving like an animal.

00:18:46.300 Yeah.

00:18:47.280 Or I'm not going to drive your animals in the morning.

00:18:49.780 If you keep doing this, you'd be like, that person's crazy for saying that to that monkey.

00:18:54.140 Right.

00:18:55.500 Or you, or, or there'll probably be some people that are like, finally, someone's telling

00:18:59.620 that monkey to stop doing that.

00:19:02.380 It's all relative.

00:19:03.800 Right.

00:19:04.140 And then there's people that would be like, I can't believe that you're judging that

00:19:09.300 monkey's behavior.

00:19:11.960 Do you know what I mean?

00:19:12.920 Yeah.

00:19:13.480 And there'd be somebody else being like, that monkey can choose its own pronouns.

00:19:16.960 And we'd be like, yeah, it's not about that.

00:19:19.060 Okay.

00:19:19.240 The monkey is just jerking off too much.

00:19:22.580 And you know, there's that.

00:19:24.620 And then there's also throwing the, the, the shit.

00:19:28.780 Yeah.

00:19:29.000 They throw the, yeah.

00:19:29.800 They throw a lot of anything comes out of their body.

00:19:31.940 They're willing to throw it.

00:19:32.860 Why do we, I feel like, you know, we have, you know, but there's no beads, right?

00:19:38.200 Like, you know, like if they, oh, maybe that's their beads, right?

00:19:41.480 Yeah.

00:19:45.580 They're just throwing that out.

00:19:48.100 They're naked all the way.

00:19:49.560 Like it's, it's not like they're even flashing.

00:19:52.280 Cause like, supposedly if you flash, then like women flash.

00:19:56.400 Yeah.

00:19:56.520 They show their breasts to see the beads, but to get the beads.

00:19:59.460 But the problem was that Mardi Gras, and I'll say this, man, is that the breasts you saw.

00:20:04.320 Were good or bad?

00:20:05.600 They were not good.

00:20:06.920 Right.

00:20:07.240 They were drunk.

00:20:08.340 They look like some of them had been drinking, like the breast alone had been drinking.

00:20:12.160 Right.

00:20:12.620 By itself.

00:20:13.520 Even some of them.

00:20:14.460 Yeah.

00:20:14.640 Um, they, uh.

00:20:17.600 That's another problem with pornography is we set up false expectations of what breasts

00:20:23.540 are supposed to look like.

00:20:25.040 Yeah.

00:20:25.720 That's another reason not to watch porn.

00:20:28.140 Right.

00:20:28.780 Well, you've kind of gone with the game.

00:20:30.060 I mean, I'm sure you've seen in your lifetime where breasts, fake breasts really popped off.

00:20:34.020 Do you remember the first time you were like, wow, they're putting in.

00:20:36.980 Yeah, there was a, yeah, I mean, the, I don't know, I'm kind of like, I'm not a huge, like,

00:20:46.400 there's, there's part of me that's the whole huge breasts thing.

00:20:51.180 It doesn't, it's weird, you know, like, for me, it doesn't do anything.

00:20:56.560 You know what I mean?

00:20:57.000 And some guys like big breasts.

00:20:58.960 Some guys like, like big butts.

00:21:01.560 I'm kind of, you know, I like, I don't know.

00:21:06.800 Decent woman.

00:21:07.680 Yeah.

00:21:07.980 I like, I like shape, but I don't like, and, and it's a mystery to me because some

00:21:15.480 guys really like big butts.

00:21:19.100 Some guys really like, I remember when I first started standup, I was doing some road gig

00:21:24.960 and this headliner was like, here, I want to show you something.

00:21:28.360 And he showed me, and it was a Polaroid of him with a woman that had like enormous, like

00:21:36.460 gigantic, and he was, he was kind of bragging.

00:21:39.680 He was like, see, see, see who I met?

00:21:42.820 And I was like, this is what's head.

00:21:44.160 This is what you're headed towards.

00:21:45.580 I was like, and I wanted to be polite and I was polite, but I was like, that's, you know,

00:21:51.320 like that's obviously she needs help.

00:21:53.900 Do you know what I mean?

00:21:55.020 But like, and I didn't want to rain on his parade, but he was like, that's what got him

00:22:00.780 off.

00:22:01.320 That was like, he was, I'm sure he probably still has that Polaroid.

00:22:05.920 Yeah.

00:22:06.860 Like maybe if he was, maybe when he dies, he's buried with the Polaroid of the woman with

00:22:11.560 the gigantic boobs.

00:22:13.100 Some guys, it's interesting how.

00:22:15.280 That's all they care about, boy.

00:22:16.880 Look at your boobs.

00:22:17.740 Different tastes.

00:22:19.560 Yeah.

00:22:19.900 I think, well, they started to get, well, yeah, some of the boobs started to look like

00:22:26.520 somebody had filled up a glad bag too big, you know, you ever have that when somebody

00:22:30.240 pulls a black glad bag out of a, like at a restaurant when they're doing the dumpster

00:22:34.020 that when they're, and they pull the bag out of that can and it's way too heavy for the

00:22:37.320 bag, you know, and it's not going to make it.

00:22:39.400 And there's, there's liquid dripping out and you're like, that's going to, that's going

00:22:46.380 to be a mess.

00:22:47.020 You know what I mean?

00:22:48.080 That's, that's just going to be a mess.

00:22:50.880 It's just, it's weird.

00:22:52.900 I need to know.

00:22:53.760 All right.

00:22:54.020 So, uh, you're, you're in the, are you a big boob guy or a little, like if you told me

00:23:01.440 you're like, I like enormous boobs, I wouldn't be shocked.

00:23:04.640 And I don't mean that as an insult.

00:23:06.120 No, it's fine.

00:23:06.880 But like, are you a big boob guy?

00:23:08.980 Are you a big butt guy?

00:23:10.540 I think I'm more of probably a, um, I think I like, um, you know, a more, I think I'm

00:23:18.400 more of probably a mid range.

00:23:19.880 I like a little bit of buttocks.

00:23:21.380 Yeah.

00:23:21.840 You know, I like a woman that's healthy enough to conceive.

00:23:25.180 Right.

00:23:25.660 Right.

00:23:25.920 You know, I don't like, um, I'm not into those kind of needle army looking, you know,

00:23:32.640 the kind of girls who looked a little bit too weathered.

00:23:36.120 Yeah.

00:23:36.480 You know, like I, I need a woman that's healthy enough to be able to have a family.

00:23:40.200 Right.

00:23:40.460 So I think that's a big thing for me.

00:23:42.840 Um, you know, there was, uh, what was the question you asked me?

00:23:49.100 It was about like a types of where, cause here, I'll bring this up.

00:23:52.960 My brother, uh, one of his, he really, he liked a woman that looked good in a baseball

00:24:01.520 cap and a turtleneck, which I thought was really interesting.

00:24:05.440 And, um, I mean, that's a setup for a joke.

00:24:09.940 He's, you know, like now he's like a serial killer.

00:24:12.520 Right.

00:24:12.620 No, but like, but it is interesting.

00:24:15.160 He really, like if she looked cute in a baseball cap, he, he was like, she looks, yeah, she's,

00:24:21.980 she's great.

00:24:22.840 You know what I mean?

00:24:23.720 And so like, there's different things.

00:24:25.680 There's types, right?

00:24:27.040 That's a good point.

00:24:27.720 There's different scenarios you want your woman to look good in.

00:24:30.680 Right.

00:24:31.640 That's it.

00:24:32.160 That's a really good point.

00:24:33.660 Right.

00:24:33.980 It's kind of like, you know, I remember when I was considering asking my wife to marry

00:24:39.480 me, I was like, you know what?

00:24:41.160 I could have fun folding laundry with her.

00:24:45.060 I mean, now we hate each other, but at the time we could totally earn that hatred, but

00:24:51.860 no, but it is like one of those things where it's not just about how they look in a small

00:25:00.840 skirt, you know what I mean?

00:25:01.920 It is about, you know, and not just like they're fun at, uh, you know, at a club or

00:25:10.080 something.

00:25:10.740 Right.

00:25:11.080 And for me, I like to take care of myself.

00:25:22.820 I like to take care of my skin, keep my skin decent and manicured baby.

00:25:27.400 That's what I like to do.

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00:26:26.960 So your ideal woman, let's put it out there.

00:26:28.980 Okay.

00:26:29.140 Let's put it out there then.

00:26:30.360 I would say she has nice eyes, like kind of caring eyes.

00:26:33.560 Like eyes.

00:26:34.180 Oh, warm eyes.

00:26:35.380 Warm eyes.

00:26:35.960 Yes, because that is true.

00:26:37.440 It's important.

00:26:38.020 It's important to the kids too.

00:26:39.720 Yes, definitely.

00:26:40.540 You know, you don't want some cold-eyed freaking Slytherin broad.

00:26:43.680 Yeah.

00:26:44.120 You know, even serving muffins to your children.

00:26:46.420 No.

00:26:47.260 So warm-eyed.

00:26:51.080 I would say hardworking.

00:26:53.560 Hardworking.

00:26:54.540 Sense of humor is really important.

00:26:56.000 Yeah, sense of humor or the ability to laugh.

00:26:58.540 Even being able to laugh, though, is also like having an inverse sense of humor.

00:27:01.640 Like if somebody is a good laugher, I think it's just as, it's almost better than a sense

00:27:06.180 of humor because at least they're getting, they're having the joy, you know?

00:27:09.600 By the way, the hard worker thing I think is really key too.

00:27:12.840 Yeah?

00:27:13.300 Yeah.

00:27:13.660 My wife is a very hard worker and that's great because then you can do less.

00:27:23.580 No, but it is, I mean, we have a similar work ethic.

00:27:28.160 We enjoy working.

00:27:30.400 You know what I mean?

00:27:31.040 And I wouldn't say working.

00:27:32.480 I'm not saying like, hey, let's go grab some construction shifts.

00:27:37.820 You know, it's like, you know, it's fulfilling for us.

00:27:42.400 You know what I mean?

00:27:43.420 Yeah.

00:27:43.820 And life's hard work.

00:27:44.920 It's like if you want to stay in a marriage, it seems like it's a lot of, like, if you really

00:27:48.640 want anything to work, you got to do it.

00:27:51.460 You know?

00:27:51.640 That's what it seems like.

00:27:52.740 Yeah.

00:27:52.960 How tall?

00:27:56.060 How tall?

00:27:56.880 I would say anywhere probably five, six to six, one.

00:28:04.440 Okay.

00:28:05.320 And how tall are you?

00:28:06.360 I'm willing to go on the outlier side with the height.

00:28:08.640 I am six foot.

00:28:10.100 You wouldn't care if she was taller.

00:28:11.720 I don't think I would care as long as she didn't do little things to me, like probably

00:28:17.780 pat on, like pat me or something like that.

00:28:20.400 Or call you shorty.

00:28:21.300 Yeah.

00:28:21.460 Or say, hey, give me that little wiener, you know, like things like that.

00:28:27.520 And what about, do you want her to be younger than you, older than you?

00:28:34.780 I would probably say younger than me.

00:28:36.920 You know, I want her to be able to bear children if she wants to.

00:28:40.260 Yeah.

00:28:41.280 But then I got to make sure that I'm in a good space too.

00:28:43.820 You know, I don't want to be some philanderer.

00:28:46.380 Right, right.

00:28:47.020 And I don't want to be a man who's peeking over the fence and, you know, talking to the

00:28:50.940 neighbor's wife.

00:28:52.300 Right.

00:28:52.860 And I don't want to be.

00:28:54.920 You shouldn't be neighborly.

00:28:56.180 You shouldn't be talking even to a neighbor.

00:28:59.780 No, but you're saying, so you want to also be mature.

00:29:03.880 You want to be to the point.

00:29:05.320 Yeah.

00:29:05.640 Yeah.

00:29:05.880 I don't want to be doing any more like, I don't want to be more, do any more conniving

00:29:09.620 or any, like I want to, you know, I just want to be locked in.

00:29:12.580 Yeah.

00:29:12.880 Did you have a point where you were like, was it scary for you when you were like, okay,

00:29:17.440 I'm going to get married.

00:29:18.460 This is it.

00:29:19.240 Like, did you have your mom, like who dropped you off to go ask your wife, would you drive

00:29:22.960 over there?

00:29:23.580 How did you do it?

00:29:24.480 I was, my mom dropped me off.

00:29:26.680 No, no.

00:29:27.600 I, uh, I was at my brother's house.

00:29:34.020 We'd gone back.

00:29:34.900 We used to go back and we'd go to Indiana and then we'd drive through Chicago and go

00:29:39.540 to Milwaukee where my wife's from.

00:29:41.760 And I, you know, my wife and I, we had this agreement that she was going to tell me when

00:29:48.380 she was ready to be proposed, you know, cause you know, the whole, you, you don't, there's

00:29:53.140 no risk.

00:29:53.780 You don't want them to be like, uh, no, and you don't want you to process no.

00:29:58.780 So, and we had talked about, we had dated for a while and, um, and I was at my brother's

00:30:04.900 place and, uh, we were smoking a cigar in his garage and I said, you know, I tell you if

00:30:12.940 I had a ring, I probably would ask her and he goes, oh, I can give you a ring.

00:30:16.800 I'll give you a mom's old ring.

00:30:18.480 I used it and you can use it.

00:30:20.520 And I was like, oh, and so then, and I was like, all right.

00:30:26.860 But I, you know, again, I had also kind of made that decision.

00:30:31.600 Do you know what I mean?

00:30:32.440 So the decision had already been made.

00:30:34.060 Yeah.

00:30:34.440 You know what I mean?

00:30:35.060 It wasn't like, oh, my brother told me to do it.

00:30:37.320 So I did it.

00:30:38.120 You know what I mean?

00:30:38.520 So, uh, and then we went up there and I knew that I kind of wanted to surprise her.

00:30:44.580 And so I did a right in front of her entire family.

00:30:47.380 She's one of nine kids and we had done opening presents and her, I had asked her dad for permission.

00:30:55.040 He was like cooking in the kitchen.

00:30:57.420 And he's kind of a, a great guy, but like at that point we didn't know each other that

00:31:02.300 well.

00:31:02.580 So he was like taking something out of the oven.

00:31:04.560 I was like, Hey, I'd like to ask your daughter to marry me.

00:31:07.440 And he's like, yeah, okay.

00:31:09.500 And so then we were opening presents and all the presents had been opened.

00:31:13.900 And then I, I did it.

00:31:16.820 And it was, did you feel nervous?

00:31:18.820 Did you get down on one knee?

00:31:19.940 It's so, well, I think as a comedian, there's so many, it's, you know, there's so many awkward

00:31:27.860 situations we go in, you know, where you have a show where you eat shit, you have a show where

00:31:34.200 you do okay, but you can tell half the audience thinks you're a moron.

00:31:39.820 You know what I mean?

00:31:40.320 So like, it was, it was awkward.

00:31:44.800 It was, uh, it was, you know, it was nice, but it's, I'm also, you know, all these, these

00:31:53.680 watershed moments for me are, uh, they're not nearly as important as like, you know, the,

00:32:05.040 the moment where I feel like I really connected with my wife, you know, like my child being

00:32:10.180 born, there was, you know, it was special, but it's not as special as like, you know,

00:32:16.320 the time when you take a walk with them for me.

00:32:19.780 And you have some, yeah, there's like a real connection.

00:32:21.700 Do you know what I mean?

00:32:22.160 Or like.

00:32:22.600 Right.

00:32:22.800 Those are kind of just built in tentpole moments that are kind of almost, I don't want to say

00:32:26.640 old fashioned, they're very important, but they don't, but that it's not like, uh,

00:32:30.700 it doesn't mean everything.

00:32:32.040 I, I, for me, you know, if I'm being honest.

00:32:34.200 That's a good point.

00:32:34.800 I think it's a really good point for everybody.

00:32:36.500 We put all these old, it's almost like we put these kind of like tyrannic.

00:32:40.180 Like emotional attachments to these moments, even though they're, they might not be there

00:32:46.220 because times have kind of changed.

00:32:47.700 So having a pop of a wedding these days, which is really just a huge party that takes so much

00:32:52.360 planning, which is more about the planning than it is even the vows.

00:32:55.840 Yes.

00:32:56.140 And this, the unnecessary stress.

00:32:58.740 Oh God.

00:32:59.540 Put on, you know.

00:33:00.880 And the sangria.

00:33:01.400 All these.

00:33:02.200 Yeah.

00:33:02.600 You know, a lot.

00:33:03.380 Oh my God.

00:33:03.860 The bread was wrong.

00:33:05.040 You know, it's like, who cares?

00:33:06.640 Yeah.

00:33:07.060 Who cares?

00:33:07.960 Right.

00:33:08.320 I barely know this woman.

00:33:10.600 Who cares?

00:33:11.640 She's pregnant.

00:33:12.480 That's the only reason I'm here.

00:33:14.000 Yeah.

00:33:14.260 Has anybody mentioned that?

00:33:17.720 They should have a vote at weddings.

00:33:19.480 Like, should we do it or not?

00:33:20.720 And people have to really vote.

00:33:22.860 That's funny.

00:33:24.040 Wouldn't be a bad idea.

00:33:24.900 I mean, a silent.

00:33:27.120 And cause it's also your loved ones.

00:33:29.080 So it's a really harsh thing.

00:33:30.840 And you shouldn't be able to open it until the next day.

00:33:36.300 It's like the vote came in.

00:33:39.480 Well, and it's like a rotten tomato score.

00:33:42.480 Like, as long as we get 80%.

00:33:44.480 Yeah, that's it.

00:33:46.240 But you're like, 43%.

00:33:49.360 Yeah.

00:33:49.660 That's not good.

00:33:50.460 But what'd the audience score say?

00:33:52.480 A lot of old tropes and misdirected plot twists, but.

00:34:00.620 A lot of people don't believe in me.

00:34:02.460 They think I'm going to cause the disaster.

00:34:04.720 Your family should have a vote, should have a vote.

00:34:06.700 I feel like, cause you're bringing that genetics into your gene pool.

00:34:10.500 Well, you know, it feels like the family overall should have a vote.

00:34:14.880 Well, there's also something that happens where you, I think the, you know, it's probably

00:34:21.740 different in different cultures and different family cultures, but you kind of get absorbed.

00:34:27.960 I think, I feel like the men get kind of absorbed into the, the woman's family.

00:34:34.020 Yes.

00:34:34.720 A much more than, uh, the woman getting absorbed into them.

00:34:38.880 I mean, obviously there's.

00:34:40.000 That's a good point.

00:34:40.840 Yeah.

00:34:41.180 And it's, so there is something of, you know, like when you're dating someone and you meet

00:34:47.520 their parents, you're like, okay, so this is, this is the future, right?

00:34:51.740 In some ways, but also their relationship.

00:34:55.500 And my wife's mother is like a saint and her dad's a real sweet guy.

00:35:00.400 So I was like, all right, I'm in good shape.

00:35:02.020 It was totally misleading.

00:35:03.680 No, but it was fine.

00:35:04.720 Dude, I had an ex-girlfriend.

00:35:08.060 Her dad would always be like, Hey, he would say like, whenever nobody was in the room,

00:35:11.380 he'd be like, Hey, listen to me.

00:35:12.480 He would pass gas.

00:35:13.940 He'd say, listen to me fart.

00:35:15.460 And then he'd be like, don't tell anybody.

00:35:17.600 Wow.

00:35:17.900 And he was real serious about it.

00:35:19.520 And it was so strange.

00:35:20.860 And I've never even said anything about it until now, but I just can't believe he even did

00:35:25.540 that.

00:35:25.780 Who would do that?

00:35:26.300 Yeah.

00:35:26.320 That's very strange.

00:35:27.520 It's really weird.

00:35:28.400 I think having like somebody dating your daughter, you don't have any power really.

00:35:32.600 No, you have no power.

00:35:35.220 And you know, I...

00:35:36.840 The kid is a pervert, whoever he is.

00:35:38.820 Absolutely.

00:35:39.720 He's a boy.

00:35:40.720 He's sick.

00:35:41.620 He's a boy.

00:35:43.460 I have a 19-year-old and I have a 14-year-old daughter.

00:35:47.980 And so when my 14-year-old, when she was 13, and she would bring over these guys.

00:35:55.000 And I would try and, you know, like you try different tactics as a dad.

00:36:01.520 You're like, I'm going to be the friend.

00:36:03.040 Yeah.

00:36:03.320 And you want to get to know them.

00:36:04.780 And they're all, you know, they're boys.

00:36:07.200 They're liars.

00:36:08.140 Right?

00:36:08.740 Yeah.

00:36:08.800 And so...

00:36:09.400 Sick.

00:36:10.000 I remember there was this one kid who ended up being really sweet.

00:36:13.660 And, but I was kind of like, and I'm kind of like inappropriate.

00:36:19.040 I try to test the boundaries.

00:36:20.720 So I'm like, nice to meet you.

00:36:22.620 I'd like to, would you like to see my knife collection?

00:36:26.500 Thinking that would be really intimidating.

00:36:29.680 And he's like, oh my God, I'd love to see a knife collection.

00:36:32.420 And I was like, that's not what I wanted you to say.

00:36:35.460 He was like, oh cool, you got a knife collection?

00:36:37.640 I'm like, no, I was trying to frighten you.

00:36:40.500 Do you know what I mean?

00:36:41.700 It's like, but they also know, you know, you're not going to hurt them.

00:36:46.920 You know what I mean?

00:36:47.360 And you can't anymore.

00:36:48.320 That's one of the problems too.

00:36:49.320 And that's where a lot of, you know, a lot of fathers have lost a lot of their power.

00:36:53.000 They used to have the ability to hurt, to fire a warning shot into the air.

00:36:56.500 Yeah.

00:36:58.680 And a lot of that's gone.

00:37:00.480 Yeah.

00:37:00.620 I was thinking about, yeah, it's so like, even like us, what we think about ourselves,

00:37:04.960 how we look like, I mean, I think a lot of comedians probably got, a lot of males got

00:37:10.100 into it because they felt it was their way of gaining attraction from women.

00:37:14.140 Did you?

00:37:14.400 I think so.

00:37:14.860 You think, yeah, I think so too, probably.

00:37:16.680 I remember, I remember witnessing, like I had no confidence at all until my thirties

00:37:25.260 anyway, but I remember, I mean, I had it in fits and spurts, but I remember when I started

00:37:32.360 headlining at a comedy club and I would stand in the back watching, this is like, they didn't

00:37:40.680 have green rooms or anything like that.

00:37:42.500 And I would stand in the back kind of watching and I would see people come in and there would

00:37:50.280 be, you know, attractive women coming in with their friends or dates or whatever.

00:37:55.480 And they would be like, who are you?

00:37:58.820 You know, they, they didn't know who I was.

00:38:00.640 They didn't care.

00:38:01.800 And then I would do the show and then those same women would be treating me completely

00:38:09.500 differently.

00:38:10.060 And intellectually, I would know, oh, it was the show.

00:38:15.380 They, you know, they, you know, they, they think I'm something that I'm not.

00:38:20.240 They think that I'm something special.

00:38:22.200 I have to make a point of never believing the hype.

00:38:27.060 And then after six months, I was like, you know what?

00:38:29.240 I'm good looking.

00:38:30.340 I kind of totally bought the hype.

00:38:32.500 Yeah.

00:38:32.660 Like, so we just get so, we're so dumb.

00:38:38.320 We're so dumb.

00:38:40.060 It's like, it's, it's not that I'm on stage and commanding authority over a crowded room

00:38:46.600 of 300 people.

00:38:48.020 It's because they actually think I'm good.

00:38:52.500 Essentially, I'm just a fool.

00:38:54.580 You know what I mean?

00:38:55.320 But then some guys who are not attractive men will, their confidence gets them to attractive.

00:39:02.080 Oh, absolutely.

00:39:02.480 So it's really part of the trick, I think.

00:39:04.720 Yeah.

00:39:05.300 I even feel like when you look at, remember when you would, I don't know if you'd ever

00:39:10.220 look at a yearbook and, or photos of when you were a kid and you'd see a kid that you'd

00:39:19.360 be, a girl, you'd be like, oh my God, she was really good looking.

00:39:23.780 And why weren't we, why didn't we think, because we didn't, because she was struggling,

00:39:30.800 you know what I mean?

00:39:32.120 And didn't have the confidence.

00:39:33.860 And whereas there were girls that were confident that we were just like, because we were dumb

00:39:38.600 boys.

00:39:39.400 We were like, duh, they think they're good looking.

00:39:41.380 Maybe they're good looking.

00:39:42.280 Yeah.

00:39:42.800 And we would, it's so much of it is confidence.

00:39:46.680 And it's like, I just wish as a parent, I could just, you know, because my kids are

00:39:52.520 pretty confident, but I just wish that like in those moments, because I remember being

00:39:57.140 a teenager, it's, it's hard.

00:39:59.740 Yeah.

00:40:00.160 And people are like, just act confident.

00:40:02.600 And you're like, what are you talking about?

00:40:03.940 Yeah.

00:40:04.460 I'm filled with anxiety.

00:40:06.800 And I had so, dude, I remember having acne so bad.

00:40:09.640 Did you ever have acne?

00:40:10.860 Oh, I was just, I mean, I was this pale kid.

00:40:13.720 And whenever I would talk in public, I would turn red.

00:40:18.040 Oh.

00:40:18.360 And so I was just this goofy guy who was pale and like, you know, there, it was, I was the

00:40:26.120 palest person anyone had ever seen.

00:40:28.880 So it was, but that's probably, you know, contributed to me being a comedian.

00:40:33.960 Like a dumpling kind of.

00:40:35.140 Yeah.

00:40:35.580 I was like a marshmallow.

00:40:36.940 Oh.

00:40:37.820 You know, but a marshmallow that would turn red.

00:40:39.700 I was a strawberry flavored marshmallow.

00:40:45.120 Wow, dude.

00:40:46.260 Yeah.

00:40:46.520 Well, it's, it's, um, what's really interesting is if you think back to like the beginning

00:40:51.060 of, before they had mirrors and stuff, the only way you knew if you were, the way you

00:40:55.900 probably is if somebody told you how attractive you were or how handsome or beautiful you were.

00:41:01.860 So that had to be in, I bet that's when like connection was a lot stronger too between

00:41:06.120 people.

00:41:07.300 Because imagine if the way you, somebody's like, you're beautiful and you've never, you don't

00:41:12.320 have any real thought of that yourself because you have never seen a reflection of yourself.

00:41:15.740 And the way it makes you feel, you're like, wow, that feeling is so powerful.

00:41:19.360 I feel really connected to this person.

00:41:21.600 Yeah.

00:41:22.120 No, it's like, well, back then, I mean, just how, how bad did they smell though?

00:41:28.260 But they both smelled bad.

00:41:29.960 They both, I guess you got used to it, right?

00:41:32.120 I think not having shit on your legs was probably like a, that means you were ready to go out

00:41:36.400 on the town because I feel like that would be something I'm a clean, I'm a wash my legs

00:41:40.200 off.

00:41:40.360 Well, that's what all the cologne and the perfume was for is to cover up.

00:41:45.240 Bad smell.

00:41:45.880 The smell of butt.

00:41:47.440 Yeah.

00:41:48.180 You know what I mean?

00:41:49.640 God.

00:41:50.420 It's only, it'd be so much nicer if your butt was a little further away from you.

00:41:54.560 Right.

00:41:55.440 Or you could detach it.

00:41:57.600 Ugh.

00:41:58.040 Yeah, but like, I mean, showering, like, you ever like been on the road and you're like,

00:42:03.360 you have to wear the same underwear for two days?

00:42:06.220 Yeah.

00:42:06.840 Like, it's a crisis.

00:42:08.620 And then like.

00:42:09.280 And they get warmer.

00:42:10.420 But, but when you're a teenager, you don't care.

00:42:15.520 Yeah, that's why.

00:42:16.540 You don't care at all.

00:42:18.820 And, but like, as an adult, it's also just like the comfort level.

00:42:24.380 Like, I used to be able to sleep on like a bag of rocks.

00:42:27.300 And now if I'm like, if I don't have this one pillow in my arms, then the baby can't

00:42:33.140 sleep.

00:42:34.400 It's so ridiculous.

00:42:37.920 Yeah, man.

00:42:39.240 Yeah, getting older is interesting.

00:42:41.560 What we thought we looked like when we were younger is interesting.

00:42:44.660 And being, it's amazing how much you can transpose or share with your children, but how many things

00:42:50.480 you cannot share.

00:42:51.520 It's amazing how many like lessons that we all go through, but we can't, there's no

00:42:57.600 real clean, clear way to share that to a kid so they don't have to deal with the tragedies

00:43:01.880 of it.

00:43:02.300 Yeah.

00:43:02.560 I mean, I, uh, they have to, there's so many times when I'm talking to my kids where I'm

00:43:09.140 like, I don't even know why I'm saying this.

00:43:11.140 Cause it's like, you're not going to hear it from me.

00:43:14.460 Yeah.

00:43:15.080 You're going to have to go through it.

00:43:18.380 It's like, even when you're, you know, like, like kids driving, like, I'm sure when you

00:43:23.660 were driving, there was moments where you're like, holy cow, I almost ran over that guy.

00:43:27.940 Yeah.

00:43:28.340 Do you know what I mean?

00:43:28.740 And it's not like your parents hadn't said, you know, you got to make sure you look, but

00:43:33.820 you don't hear that.

00:43:34.760 It's just, it's just white noise.

00:43:37.900 Yeah.

00:43:38.220 Your parents are just, yeah.

00:43:40.240 Your parents are creepy people.

00:43:41.720 You can't even believe they made, they had sex before.

00:43:43.820 Yeah.

00:43:44.060 It's just gross to think.

00:43:46.420 Like, it's really rude how gross you think your parents having sex is considering it's

00:43:52.180 how you have it.

00:43:53.340 Yeah.

00:43:53.820 You're like, oh, I guess, I wonder if that's a factor in self-esteem.

00:43:58.680 Like if people with really high self-esteem are like, you know, the idea of my parents

00:44:03.680 making love is a beautiful thing.

00:44:05.940 Cause it's just like, even your parents kissing, it was like, oh, right?

00:44:10.640 Oh, it's horrible.

00:44:11.440 So I remember if my mom, if my dad tried to kiss my mom, my mom would fucking kind of threaten

00:44:16.220 him with a cake cutter.

00:44:17.580 That's good.

00:44:18.460 That's good.

00:44:20.180 She was a cake cutter.

00:44:22.460 Why?

00:44:23.000 Like, was there always cake?

00:44:25.080 Like, did you have dessert growing up?

00:44:27.700 No, we'd had, on birthdays we had cake.

00:44:30.440 Yeah.

00:44:31.180 And that's when they would have some champagne together.

00:44:34.100 Oh, really?

00:44:34.560 And my dad would inch over and try to get a kiss on her.

00:44:37.800 And she would raise that fucking cake cutter.

00:44:39.380 The one that had the prongs, it was like, it had the handle and then the, like that.

00:44:43.920 And then a bunch of straight prongs.

00:44:45.300 It looked like a comb almost.

00:44:46.380 It was kind of like a server and a cutter.

00:44:50.020 It was a multi-purpose thing.

00:44:51.620 That thing.

00:44:52.580 Oh, wow.

00:44:54.140 That thing would take, yeah.

00:44:55.740 What is that?

00:44:57.140 That was for the cake.

00:44:58.940 Is that like a, is that kind of like a Cajun thing?

00:45:02.800 Cause we didn't have cake cutters like that.

00:45:04.780 I don't know.

00:45:05.140 It was sharp.

00:45:06.040 What's all the, like the fingers going down?

00:45:08.600 I think you could probably play a song.

00:45:10.000 I mean, who knows?

00:45:10.560 I don't know.

00:45:11.180 It could have had a xylophone tendencies.

00:45:12.820 I don't know what some of the backstory of it was.

00:45:14.740 Yeah.

00:45:14.940 That harp.

00:45:15.740 What happened to that harp?

00:45:16.960 That harp was everywhere.

00:45:18.340 No, the, the, the doink, doink, doink.

00:45:20.820 Oh, that little hand harp?

00:45:22.780 What happened to that harp?

00:45:23.880 I don't know.

00:45:24.500 Yeah.

00:45:24.660 What was that thing?

00:45:25.440 What happened to snuff, dude?

00:45:27.100 What happened to a cute old lady in church taking a fricking hit of that tobacco powder to the dome?

00:45:31.760 You know, like the chewing tobacco thing.

00:45:33.840 I did that.

00:45:34.560 Did you do that?

00:45:35.480 I never did it.

00:45:36.920 Yeah.

00:45:37.320 I was a, that was a big thing.

00:45:38.940 I remember.

00:45:39.400 But snuff did you do?

00:45:40.760 I did the Copenhagen.

00:45:42.740 I mean, the, the powder you would snuff.

00:45:44.340 Oh no, but I've tried that.

00:45:46.300 God.

00:45:46.620 I tried that.

00:45:47.440 So like, that's just sniffing tobacco.

00:45:50.020 Yeah.

00:45:50.600 That's gotta make a comeback.

00:45:52.500 I would think that would.

00:45:54.560 Right.

00:45:54.900 Cause that's probably a pretty interesting high, but I would think it's really bad for you.

00:46:00.560 What if we got nicotine in our brain cavity?

00:46:05.960 Cause.

00:46:07.200 Yeah.

00:46:07.560 Ricky ain't doing well.

00:46:09.860 He's got, uh, he's got.

00:46:11.600 So snuff.

00:46:13.620 Oh, see, I thought that that was, that's the same container as chewing tobacco.

00:46:19.280 Right.

00:46:19.780 That's long cut.

00:46:20.700 Now that's an actual cut that you put into your lips.

00:46:22.960 Snuff is more.

00:46:23.780 There's dry snuff right there.

00:46:24.960 If you look, click on that one, one down.

00:46:26.580 Yeah.

00:46:26.900 One down right there.

00:46:28.180 Yeah.

00:46:28.580 There's dry snuff in that one.

00:46:30.800 If you zoom in on that, Zach, and you can see that, uh, with that, that's just a beautiful

00:46:38.960 dust right there.

00:46:40.980 The snuff.

00:46:42.920 It's interesting.

00:46:43.840 Cause that like, so Copenhagen, Kodiak, all that stuff.

00:46:47.280 Right.

00:46:47.580 I remember when they introduced, uh, the pouches or maybe the pouches were all always there

00:46:54.500 and I never knew about them.

00:46:55.960 Yeah.

00:46:56.400 But you know, those were all started in Scandinavia because it was cold outside and it was windy.

00:47:05.440 So they had to, how they consumed, uh, tobacco was kind of chewing on it as opposed to where,

00:47:14.960 you know, they could light it.

00:47:16.720 Right.

00:47:17.180 It'd be easier.

00:47:17.880 If it was warmer out.

00:47:19.380 You know what I mean?

00:47:20.240 Man, people will find a way to get tobacco.

00:47:22.160 They need it, huh?

00:47:23.000 Right.

00:47:23.740 A little nicotine buzz.

00:47:25.400 It just gets you going.

00:47:26.780 Well, it gets all your, or it'll make you go to the bathroom and it'll make you stay

00:47:30.160 awake if you're driving, it'll kind of just get you through things you need to do.

00:47:34.420 People.

00:47:34.840 I mean, my parents smoked constantly.

00:47:37.460 Yeah.

00:47:38.780 Constantly.

00:47:39.780 And I mean, they all, I mean, they died when they were 10, but like they, no, but they,

00:47:44.200 they smoked constantly and now no one really smokes.

00:47:49.860 Oh, smoking's crazy.

00:47:51.460 Like it's, it's pretty rare to see someone smoke.

00:47:55.960 Like someone, like I remember when they outlawed smoking in bars in New York City, I was like,

00:48:02.780 well, that's not going to work.

00:48:04.640 And now the craziest thing would be like seeing someone smoke on the subway.

00:48:11.880 You're like, not only are they breaking the rules, but like they're smoking.

00:48:16.980 Like that's just, but now kids do the.

00:48:19.640 The vaping.

00:48:20.780 And that's actually worse for you.

00:48:22.680 Right.

00:48:22.900 But it's fun and it tastes good.

00:48:24.140 And you can have all the flavors and it's like, you can have all the different flavors

00:48:28.440 you want.

00:48:30.800 But kids lungs are getting decimated because when you vape, you're inhaling oil as opposed

00:48:37.880 to like cigarette, you were just inherent, inhaling smoke.

00:48:42.040 So, but it's brutal because it's, it is so fun and it's portable, right?

00:48:48.380 It's portable.

00:48:48.940 You can do it inside.

00:48:49.960 You can do it outside.

00:48:50.780 You see people on planes secretly taking a hit.

00:48:53.320 You know, getting gassed up.

00:48:55.420 You see all types of, of people doing it.

00:48:58.500 I worked on a movie and this girl was hammered.

00:49:03.020 Yeah.

00:49:03.640 Just constantly.

00:49:04.720 I mean, she was probably nervous, but like.

00:49:08.240 It makes you more nervous.

00:49:09.620 It does.

00:49:10.300 Oh, it increases your anxiety.

00:49:11.820 If you have no anxiety, you hit that thing, two hits, all of a sudden you're anxious.

00:49:16.440 You're scared.

00:49:17.020 You're calling somebody.

00:49:18.160 You'll text the cops.

00:49:19.220 Hey, what's up?

00:49:20.060 You, it creates anxiety.

00:49:22.380 So, do you, do you vape?

00:49:24.120 I have been a vapor.

00:49:25.200 I'll be honest.

00:49:25.860 I have been a vapor.

00:49:26.940 I have vaped.

00:49:28.240 And.

00:49:28.340 So, but like it's addictive, right?

00:49:30.080 You can't really get rid of it.

00:49:31.300 It's the most addictive thing ever.

00:49:32.560 Like you seem like you, you kind of like, were you always, I mean, vaping hasn't always

00:49:37.720 been around, but like when vaping came out, you're like, this is my joint.

00:49:42.200 No, I thought it was kind of, I thought it was something for that gay men did honestly

00:49:46.080 at first.

00:49:46.820 Oh, really?

00:49:47.400 I thought it was, but I was the same way about the iPhone.

00:49:50.320 I was like, nobody's going to, you know.

00:49:51.420 Oh, that's so funny.

00:49:52.360 This is, I was the same thing about twins.

00:49:54.060 When I saw twins for the first time, I was like, this isn't.

00:49:57.120 I remember.

00:49:57.920 Going to stick around.

00:49:58.420 I remember when email addresses, like I had my email address, this is back when it was AOL,

00:50:05.360 and it was my name.

00:50:06.600 And I remember a friend of mine making fun of me, like, you have your name and your email

00:50:11.580 address?

00:50:12.220 I mean, this is going back.

00:50:13.900 And I was like, yeah, so that way I can just tell people.

00:50:17.040 And they're like, okay.

00:50:19.380 Like, what are you, your own business?

00:50:21.980 It was such, and like, I remember Greg Giraldo making fun of me for having my website,

00:50:28.140 jimgaffigan.com.

00:50:29.260 He's like, why do you have a website?

00:50:31.480 And I was like, well, I think everyone is probably going to have a website.

00:50:35.020 And he's like, no.

00:50:35.980 And then, he overdosed.

00:50:40.280 No, well, of course, eventually he got a website.

00:50:42.780 Right, that's what I meant.

00:50:43.720 But it was just like, it was one of those things, it was, and he was a great guy.

00:50:49.120 But it was, and, but it was just, it was just seen as a little bit, like, unnecessary.

00:50:56.760 Right, like you're being a bit much here, Jim.

00:50:58.680 Yeah, you know, like, you know, like commercials, they used to, like when they, at the end, they'd

00:51:03.500 be like, you know, visit nabisco.com.

00:51:06.660 Yeah.

00:51:07.140 By the way, I'm getting paid by nabisco.

00:51:09.160 No, I'm not.

00:51:10.420 But.

00:51:10.640 But yeah, it's crazy to think, first of all, that anybody's ever going to go to nabisco.com.

00:51:15.980 Right.

00:51:16.320 You know, it's like, I'm bored.

00:51:17.780 I'm going to go to nabisco.

00:51:19.640 See what those Keebler elves are doing.

00:51:22.360 Yeah.

00:51:22.620 See some BTS of the elves, dude.

00:51:24.720 Right.

00:51:25.180 Yeah.

00:51:25.600 They're all on spring break.

00:51:27.140 Right.

00:51:27.580 It's a smooth sack summer.

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00:52:42.200 What was Greg Geraldo like?

00:52:44.040 Did you ever get to spend time with him?

00:52:45.680 Oh, yeah.

00:52:46.160 People love him.

00:52:47.000 No, I started with him.

00:52:48.420 Oh, really?

00:52:49.180 I met him at Coldwaters.

00:52:56.260 There was an open mic there that you had to pay.

00:53:01.040 And I think you had to pay like $5 and you'd go up.

00:53:04.160 And he and I both showed up.

00:53:07.280 And we were both wearing suits.

00:53:10.460 We had a coat and tie on.

00:53:11.940 He was a lawyer.

00:53:13.200 He was a real lawyer?

00:53:14.560 He went to Harvard Law.

00:53:16.440 Oh, my gosh.

00:53:18.000 Yeah.

00:53:18.220 He went to Columbia on a scholarship.

00:53:22.540 And I think he went to Harvard Law on a scholarship.

00:53:24.640 Oh, wow.

00:53:25.300 And he was working for the best law firm or one of the great ones in New York City.

00:53:33.460 And, you know, like, yeah.

00:53:37.620 So we were, it was, I can't remember, but it was just, because this was probably 92, 93.

00:53:46.320 And it was, you know, at those open mics.

00:53:51.480 Like, stand-up is much more middle class now.

00:53:55.280 But back then it was, it was a lot of people that should just be in therapy.

00:54:00.680 You know, it was a lot of people that, I used to do those open mics and then, but poetry open mics.

00:54:09.200 There were poetry open mics.

00:54:11.020 And you didn't have to pay for those.

00:54:13.620 And those were just even more mentally ill people.

00:54:17.380 Oh, yeah.

00:54:17.880 Just, but I love those people.

00:54:21.080 Like, there was the Bowery Poetry Club.

00:54:24.040 And there was just these really surf reality, just these characters, just these, you know, New York characters that were, and just, you know, like, you weren't sure if they were homeless or if they were just kind of, but there were, you know, there were some real, real character-y people that were.

00:54:47.280 Oh, yeah.

00:54:48.040 You'd have somebody with a fern built into the side of their head or you'd have, like.

00:54:51.460 Yeah.

00:54:51.740 Yeah, somebody who.

00:54:52.640 Somebody would just go up and they would just pour blood on themselves.

00:54:56.380 Yeah.

00:54:57.100 You'd have somebody with a pH balance of, like, 11,000 go up there, you know?

00:55:01.400 You would have, I mean, they would have, and then poetry was, like, it was almost like it was too soft, so it went the other way.

00:55:07.120 It was slam poetry.

00:55:08.000 Yeah.

00:55:08.680 Where you'd have somebody just, like, throw a javelin through a white guy up there for, you know, two minutes or something like that.

00:55:13.980 It was just crazy.

00:55:14.780 And then occasionally somebody would, like, read, so people would read their own, because there was slam poetry, right?

00:55:21.120 Like, do you not hear my wings?

00:55:23.600 And they would just fucking behead a white guy.

00:55:25.960 And then there would just be, like, people would read excerpts from their novel.

00:55:30.360 Oh, yeah.

00:55:31.140 And people would be, like.

00:55:32.800 And they'd pass a gun around at the same time.

00:55:35.080 That was the crazy part.

00:55:36.940 That was the craziest thing, dude.

00:55:40.060 It was like, I don't think we need this gun going around.

00:55:42.820 What, uh, so, like, the Russian roulette, would you ever do that?

00:55:48.340 Ooh.

00:55:51.180 I think on an eight chamber, I would.

00:55:53.060 I wouldn't go on six, though.

00:55:54.920 Really?

00:55:56.580 Do they make an eight chamber, uh, pistol?

00:56:01.420 I'm sure they probably do.

00:56:03.280 Like, do you own, do you have a gun and a drawer in your residence right now?

00:56:08.380 Yes.

00:56:08.740 Is it in a safe, or is it just kind of next to your nightstand?

00:56:13.300 It is accessible, I would say.

00:56:15.940 It's accessible.

00:56:16.600 Without a safe.

00:56:17.200 So if your girlfriend gets mouthy, you can take it out.

00:56:22.140 I could set it out next to the silverware, okay?

00:56:25.420 I could certainly set it next to the butter dish on the dinner table.

00:56:28.820 She just, she comes home and you're just waving it.

00:56:32.200 Where were you?

00:56:33.240 And she's like, I was just out with some friends.

00:56:37.480 Uh-huh.

00:56:39.100 Uh-huh.

00:56:39.500 How crazy must the past have been.

00:56:41.960 I, uh, I, I followed you on your Apple device.

00:56:47.580 You weren't with your friends.

00:56:49.780 Yeah, you were at Dave and Buster's, huh?

00:56:52.100 Dave and Buster's.

00:56:53.400 You know I got tokens.

00:56:55.040 Yeah.

00:56:55.940 Who's Dave and Buster?

00:56:57.460 You're fucking quizzing her?

00:56:58.520 Who are you fucking, Dave or Buster?

00:57:01.580 You're out there with these motherfuckers.

00:57:03.400 These two men.

00:57:04.560 Yeah.

00:57:05.880 Who's Dave and Buster?

00:57:08.260 You know, is their food better than mine?

00:57:11.020 Yeah, tell me the truth.

00:57:14.540 Would you, do you think you'd ever murder someone?

00:57:17.640 Ooh, this is.

00:57:18.160 In a fit of rage?

00:57:21.320 Yeah.

00:57:22.220 You would, right?

00:57:24.420 What about you?

00:57:26.280 Oh yeah, I think I probably could.

00:57:27.920 I mean, not that I haven't already.

00:57:31.820 No, but I would, um, I don't know.

00:57:35.620 What would you do with the body though?

00:57:36.960 That's the thing.

00:57:37.940 Would you tell on yourself or would you take a few minutes to decide if you want to tell

00:57:41.160 on yourself?

00:57:42.480 I, I wouldn't tell on myself.

00:57:44.600 Yeah.

00:57:45.440 Um, that's interesting, you know, cause like people, you know, when someone murders someone,

00:57:51.980 there's always kind of like people are like, and then they lied about it afterwards.

00:57:56.540 Yeah.

00:57:56.700 You know what I mean?

00:57:57.320 He killed his wife and then he concocted this big, but of course they're, what are they

00:58:04.540 supposed to do?

00:58:05.280 And be like, I am a man of honor.

00:58:08.220 You know what I mean?

00:58:09.020 It's like, of course they're going to sit there and go and try and get out of it.

00:58:13.400 You know what I mean?

00:58:14.500 They're like, oh, you know what?

00:58:15.580 I'll take 50 years in jail.

00:58:18.460 You know what I mean?

00:58:19.540 It's, uh, but it is like the, um, yeah, there's, there's killing someone and then there's murder

00:58:26.700 though.

00:58:27.240 Right.

00:58:27.620 Right.

00:58:27.800 I think there's a way to kill somebody probably humanely.

00:58:31.140 Yeah.

00:58:31.580 A little more humanely than murder.

00:58:33.240 There has to be some middle ground in there.

00:58:35.020 Like, did you know of anyone that got murdered in your town?

00:58:40.360 Um, I have a, I have a buddy who, uh, has killed somebody.

00:58:44.460 Yeah.

00:58:45.020 And was he caught or did you just kind of out him?

00:58:48.260 He, uh, was not caught.

00:58:50.500 He was not caught.

00:58:51.440 Nope.

00:58:52.320 And is it one of those things where you guys were having some beers and he just started

00:58:56.420 crying, I killed Angela.

00:58:58.760 Or, or, or did he tell you, he's like, I killed Bob.

00:59:02.160 No, we were, yeah, it was one time we were doing drugs.

00:59:04.720 Yeah.

00:59:05.140 He said it.

00:59:05.720 And I just knew that he had done it.

00:59:08.060 Wow.

00:59:08.640 Cause I've had people all the time are like, I killed somebody.

00:59:11.360 And you're like, fuck you.

00:59:12.400 You know, you haven't, you know?

00:59:14.440 Wow.

00:59:14.880 And they're like, you're right.

00:59:15.760 I haven't, dude.

00:59:16.480 And what was the reason for them killing them?

00:59:19.340 Um, I want to say it was like domestic dispute.

00:59:23.020 Really?

00:59:23.620 And it was gay, man.

00:59:25.840 Wow.

00:59:27.560 Wow.

00:59:29.140 But I think there's a lot of domestic disputes.

00:59:31.880 And I think the tough thing about killing somebody, right.

00:59:36.640 Is how do you say you kill somebody that say, if you ask 90, a hundred people, 99 and they're

00:59:42.480 like, yeah, you can kill Ernie, right?

00:59:45.260 You can kill Ernie.

00:59:46.240 So you do it.

00:59:47.160 But how do you then, how do you hide that body?

00:59:50.640 How do you, yeah.

00:59:53.320 And where do you do it?

00:59:54.260 And then how I would feel honestly, like I owed something to their family.

00:59:58.640 So I would have to go and live next door to the family and be helpful to them or something

01:00:02.500 for the rest of my life.

01:00:03.460 I feel like without, you know, and I'd be like, oh damn, I sure miss Ernie, you know?

01:00:07.360 Yeah.

01:00:07.880 And say, you know, it'd be fucked up, but I would have to, but they would eventually forgive

01:00:11.660 you.

01:00:11.860 And they'd be like, oh, you know, no, but they didn't know you did make love to Ernie's

01:00:16.680 wife.

01:00:17.840 What if that happened?

01:00:19.780 Is Ernie married?

01:00:21.340 I think he is.

01:00:22.440 And I think, yeah, at that point you get in, you assume the whole role of the family and

01:00:25.860 you just take over.

01:00:26.800 And maybe you rebuild his life back to a level he could have never built it to.

01:00:31.320 And you change your name to Ernie.

01:00:32.960 Well, what about like getting rid of a body?

01:00:35.900 Like you ever notice that like, you know, like I don't, I garden, I like gardening.

01:00:40.700 I know that it's, it's, I don't want to brag, but I garden.

01:00:43.800 Yeah.

01:00:44.020 But I, um, like getting, like digging a hole, like, you know, some soil is easy to move,

01:00:51.440 but some's like, you know, if it's clay, if you're trying to get rid of a body and clay.

01:00:56.480 You're an idiot.

01:00:56.960 You're, no, but like, you're like digging and you're like, you know what?

01:01:04.060 It's not going to be six.

01:01:05.340 Then you're just like, you're like pile of leaves.

01:01:09.360 You know, like you can't go deep enough.

01:01:11.860 It's just like, if it's really rocky soil, you're like, these rocks, I keep running into

01:01:18.360 rocks.

01:01:19.640 Yeah.

01:01:20.080 I don't think this grave isn't going to be a sedan.

01:01:21.980 It's going to be more of a two seater.

01:01:23.700 You know, we're going to go just like, this will be, uh, just a hatchback, this grave.

01:01:29.840 Yeah.

01:01:30.140 And then the grave's just a foot and a half.

01:01:32.380 You're like, all right, I'm just going to chop off the head.

01:01:35.320 I'm going to bury the head.

01:01:37.040 You have to bury the head with his head to the side.

01:01:39.080 And then you're like, and then you go to the store and you're like, I'm going to buy

01:01:42.380 all those chemicals where you kind of like Dexter melted bodies and you buy the chemicals

01:01:47.620 and you're like, you throw the body in there and it doesn't work.

01:01:50.960 And you're like, shit.

01:01:53.040 And then you look and you're like, oh, this, this chemical is not right.

01:01:56.800 So then you got to dump out the body and you take the body and you throw it in a dumpster

01:02:02.820 and you're like, and then you're about to fall asleep and you're like, you know what?

01:02:05.900 That dumpster, they're going to have find that dumpster.

01:02:08.700 Because you see a guy walking in the background and kind of like, what are you doing?

01:02:12.080 You're like, I'm not dumping a body.

01:02:14.240 Right?

01:02:14.720 That could happen.

01:02:15.940 Oh, it would be, it would be so hard.

01:02:18.220 Except some people get the hang of it.

01:02:19.680 And I think once you unlock that code of how to get rid of a body, it's got to be.

01:02:24.160 Right.

01:02:24.700 I mean, yeah, it has to be like when you like club 54 or whatever.

01:02:29.260 I mean, you're just having a blast then.

01:02:30.840 Yeah.

01:02:31.100 You're just getting rid of people.

01:02:32.020 So people get, that's how they get off though, right?

01:02:35.360 Yeah.

01:02:35.680 I think a lot of people, there's a lot of killers out there and women like the shows.

01:02:39.360 I mean, that's one of the problems you've seen with society is during COVID-19, all the

01:02:43.520 Dateline episodes got watched up.

01:02:45.640 Right?

01:02:45.680 Yeah.

01:02:46.120 People watched every murder episode.

01:02:48.560 These channels started repackaging the same murders.

01:02:51.300 People like, no, no, no.

01:02:52.360 I know this is, I've seen this murder.

01:02:54.280 You're just trying to trick me.

01:02:55.480 You know, it's really sad.

01:02:57.060 Also, then they started encouraging people to murder.

01:03:00.340 They're like, we need some content.

01:03:02.900 Oh, they have to.

01:03:03.760 And Netflix started paying people to murder people.

01:03:07.660 Would you be surprised though?

01:03:10.120 No.

01:03:11.140 If there were like, there was like a list.

01:03:14.720 All right.

01:03:15.300 So I got to date her for two weeks.

01:03:19.720 Then I have to be angry.

01:03:22.120 Wait a minute.

01:03:22.740 I'm supposed to be on meth.

01:03:24.120 So it's like all these variables to make a complex, interesting Dateline, you'd have

01:03:32.560 to do all that.

01:03:34.200 But like, it would be worth it because you'd get paid great.

01:03:38.180 Well, I think I could see, I could totally see if we get into a circle where networks,

01:03:45.960 which are some of these big businesses are paying, especially networks are paying, yeah,

01:03:50.380 I'll pay $100,000 for some guy.

01:03:52.860 Right.

01:03:53.100 Go on a killing spree, low key, through some other channel.

01:03:56.440 So it never traces back to me.

01:03:58.020 I get to make a documentary about it.

01:03:59.880 That documentary is going to make me $500,000.

01:04:03.320 So why wouldn't I just keep doing that?

01:04:05.260 Right.

01:04:05.560 By the way, there is a movie called Man Bites Dog, which is great.

01:04:11.300 I think it's, I don't know what language it's in.

01:04:13.220 But before I had kids and before I was married, I used to watch all these indie films.

01:04:18.180 And it's amazing.

01:04:19.220 And it's about this documentary crew that's following this serial killer.

01:04:24.580 And then they start joining in.

01:04:29.280 Like, it's just how it's kind of contagious.

01:04:33.060 Yeah.

01:04:33.320 And how it's, you know, like, so like, they're like partying with the serial killer.

01:04:40.880 And then eventually they get wasted.

01:04:43.640 And then it's really dark.

01:04:46.920 But it was kind of funny.

01:04:49.400 Yeah.

01:04:49.880 Anyway.

01:04:50.280 I think you get kind of accustomed to anything, you know.

01:04:53.420 I remember I stayed with a friend one time.

01:04:54.960 They were playing volleyball every day.

01:04:56.200 And the first day I was like, I don't want to play any volleyball.

01:04:58.180 I don't like it.

01:04:59.060 And the second day I got out there.

01:05:00.300 And the third day I was the first person on the court.

01:05:02.900 And then, and before you knew it, you were Gabrielle Reese.

01:05:06.700 Yeah.

01:05:07.160 Is she a volleyball player?

01:05:08.360 I think she was.

01:05:08.840 Yeah, Gabby Reese.

01:05:09.700 Gabby Reese.

01:05:10.380 Yeah, she married Laird Hamilton, didn't she?

01:05:12.900 Really?

01:05:13.500 Yeah.

01:05:14.000 I thought, well, we should find out.

01:05:16.540 I thought she was married to, no, she's married to somebody else.

01:05:21.020 Is she married?

01:05:21.540 Who is she married to?

01:05:22.020 I think that's Laird.

01:05:23.560 Laird?

01:05:24.160 I think her husband is Laird.

01:05:26.460 Oh, all right.

01:05:27.140 Who's married to Richard Marks?

01:05:30.420 I guess she's not a.

01:05:31.880 Richard Marks.

01:05:32.960 Because Gabrielle Reese, she was on MTV too, right?

01:05:36.760 I don't know if she was.

01:05:38.840 Richard Marks.

01:05:39.800 I don't know who Richard Marks is.

01:05:40.740 He's married to somebody.

01:05:42.220 She was a volleyball player, right?

01:05:43.560 Richard Marks is married to who?

01:05:45.900 Who is his wife?

01:05:47.060 Daisy Fuentes.

01:05:48.160 Daisy Fuentes.

01:05:49.180 Oh, remember?

01:05:49.800 She was hot, dude.

01:05:50.760 Richard Marks is not that old.

01:05:53.400 Nuh-uh.

01:05:54.440 I didn't know who he was, but he looks like Chris Isaac.

01:05:59.800 He wrote all the, you don't even know who he is, do you?

01:06:02.620 Uh-uh.

01:06:03.120 See, you're too young.

01:06:03.980 The Marks brothers I've heard of.

01:06:05.540 No, he wrote a bunch of songs, and then he wrote all these songs for, like, the Backstreet

01:06:14.080 Boys or something like that.

01:06:17.340 God, that'd be nice.

01:06:18.580 You have another skill, man.

01:06:19.820 I mean, I saw your movie, probably since we've last talked, I saw your movie.

01:06:23.920 I think I even sent you a message about it.

01:06:27.760 The one where you're the driver.

01:06:29.780 Oh, yeah.

01:06:30.600 Yeah, American Dreamer.

01:06:31.600 Dude, it was really cool.

01:06:32.900 Oh, thanks.

01:06:33.600 Yeah, that was fun.

01:06:34.700 I love acting.

01:06:35.780 It's so fun.

01:06:37.280 You crushed it, man.

01:06:38.620 Oh, thanks.

01:06:39.820 It was really good.

01:06:41.080 How much was it?

01:06:41.700 How much did it cost to make that?

01:06:43.500 They did that, I know they did it for maybe $250.

01:06:50.040 Wow.

01:06:50.440 You did a great job for that.

01:06:52.880 Oh, thanks.

01:06:54.080 And it was, when we were shooting that, there's a car explosion, and we shot that in, like,

01:07:04.200 I don't know, 12 days.

01:07:05.640 Wow.

01:07:06.540 And when the car explosion kind of happened, we had to shoot other things, and we kind

01:07:15.420 of tried to get the car out, and I remember us driving to the other location, and the

01:07:22.420 car was kind of still on fire.

01:07:24.800 It was like a fire truck.

01:07:26.800 I mean, it wasn't, believe me, it wasn't one of those things where we caused any damage

01:07:32.780 to anything, but it was, I mean, it was this guy who was this great director, and Derek

01:07:40.960 Bort, and he, but he had, he lives in Virginia Beach, and he had a buddy who had a car dealership,

01:07:48.700 and he's like, can I have two of the same cars?

01:07:50.300 Because we needed two cars.

01:07:51.920 Ah.

01:07:52.840 So, anyway, but I remember there was a car that was on fire, and we were, and I was like,

01:07:57.940 are we leaving that here?

01:08:00.180 And they're like, it's fine, it's fine, because we had to shoot, we had to get done with this

01:08:04.220 shoot.

01:08:05.580 Dude, it's America's change, you can leave a burning car anywhere now, I feel like.

01:08:09.180 Yeah, well, there's parts of, but I think it's it, there's parts of Virginia, not Virginia

01:08:15.860 Beach, that's very nice, but like Norfolk, and Norfolk's nice, but there's parts that I was

01:08:20.540 like, whoa, it gets a little, yeah, peligroso, it gets a little dangerous.

01:08:25.080 Yeah.

01:08:25.300 Well, there's some big cities they've gotten, even like, like Minneapolis is like deserted,

01:08:29.480 I feel like, you know?

01:08:30.420 Yeah, it's sad.

01:08:31.260 When I go there, I'm like, like, they drew all kind of murals, like there's more drawings

01:08:35.220 of people in Minneapolis than there are people anymore.

01:08:37.600 It's, I mean, I love Minneapolis, too.

01:08:40.440 Yeah, you take your special there, I think we were taking it at the same time down the street.

01:08:43.000 Oh, yeah, and we couldn't, we couldn't see each other.

01:08:45.700 We couldn't see each other because of the COVID restrictions.

01:08:49.700 Netflix didn't allow anyone in to the, this, I mean, this was also, this, and I have a

01:08:59.480 new one now.

01:09:00.740 Right, that's what, you have a new one coming out, it's your 10th one.

01:09:04.040 I know, isn't that crazy?

01:09:06.060 That's unreal.

01:09:07.560 Yeah, I mean, but it is, it's, it's, it's, you know, it's all self-assignment, right?

01:09:15.160 And so.

01:09:15.540 What do you mean by that when you say that?

01:09:16.900 Well, it's like, you know, when you did your last special, you're like, I'm going to do

01:09:21.160 this special and you kind of set your mind to it and you do it.

01:09:24.740 But like, I think the craziest thing is like, when I did my first special, it was the expectation

01:09:34.680 was that people would maybe do one or two or maybe, you know, like Carlin did a bunch,

01:09:42.680 but it was not what it is now, which is where, and it might change where people every couple

01:09:51.960 of years put out a special.

01:09:53.460 I don't think, and that might change, but like, you know, I mean, here we are in this,

01:09:58.280 on a podcast.

01:09:59.020 I mean, that, this didn't exist in its present form five years ago.

01:10:05.180 Yeah.

01:10:05.640 Do you know what I mean?

01:10:06.280 Yeah.

01:10:07.120 Where it's like, people consume, like, there's pressure for you to do episodes because people,

01:10:14.380 you know, you know, they, they're kind of like, all right, I need another hit.

01:10:18.160 Right.

01:10:18.820 Yeah.

01:10:19.220 It's really kind of scary.

01:10:20.620 I think sometimes you're like, you've become a dealer in a way, you know, I mean, you become

01:10:24.860 an entertainer and you look forward to having the chats with people, um, you also start

01:10:30.020 to realize that people in our business and, and in different businesses are so busy that

01:10:34.880 sometimes this is the realest chat you're going to get with them.

01:10:37.660 Yeah.

01:10:38.040 You know, and I started to realize that recently, like I went, um, where did I go?

01:10:43.260 I went to do a podcast and I was like, man, and my friend was, he's just a busy guy.

01:10:47.440 And I was like, man, this is, I wish I'd utilize that time a little bit more with him just

01:10:52.020 to really be like, oh, this is our time to connect.

01:10:54.460 It's just, that's how, you know, if you spend a couple hours with somebody, it's a lot of

01:10:58.360 time.

01:10:59.280 So, yeah, it's, it is, I'm jealous of, I mean, I don't want to, uh, I'm not going to start

01:11:05.680 my own podcast, but I am jealous of, cause you know, comedians, you know, you get some

01:11:12.580 success.

01:11:13.220 You never get to hang out with people.

01:11:15.940 Do you know what I mean?

01:11:16.700 The more successful you are, the more you, and if you have other aspects of your life,

01:11:23.180 you're not going to get the quality one-on-one time that you would normally get.

01:11:27.860 And just for comedians, this is kind of our oxygen is talking to other comedians.

01:11:33.460 That's a good point.

01:11:34.660 Yeah.

01:11:35.060 I think it probably used to be different.

01:11:36.440 You guys would hang out together more.

01:11:38.220 Was there more than, I think all of that happens too, when you're coming up as well.

01:11:41.600 Yeah.

01:11:42.100 And I think there was also just, there was, you know, there wasn't the touring and doing

01:11:48.060 theaters and, which is great and I love, but it was, or, you know, if you were doing comedy

01:11:55.680 clubs, there was, you know, three or four people and you'd be there for multiple nights and you

01:12:00.800 knew some of the waitstaff and there was, uh, you know, you had more of, uh, uh, there was

01:12:08.800 more of a communal experience, but it's all shifting constantly.

01:12:13.220 And that's, that's true too.

01:12:14.640 It changes constantly.

01:12:15.720 And it's scary to know if the next shift, if you will apply to it, right.

01:12:20.620 That feels very scary.

01:12:22.040 A lot of times if the next curve, if you will have, if whatever you're doing will have an

01:12:28.260 ability to kind of like, uh, flourish in that space.

01:12:33.080 But I think that, you know, I mean, we talked a little bit about this beforehand before we

01:12:40.580 even started.

01:12:41.120 I think authenticity is what people crave.

01:12:44.200 Yeah.

01:12:44.640 And so there are things that are shiny and trendy and fancy, but I think that if it's authenticity

01:12:55.360 and it kind of can adjust to the times, it's kind of timeless, right?

01:13:03.120 Yeah.

01:13:03.580 I think, you know.

01:13:05.360 Yeah.

01:13:05.700 I think you want, yeah.

01:13:07.340 You know what I mean?

01:13:07.800 It's like, there's always going to be people that have, that come from, uh, similar backgrounds

01:13:16.360 to that we have.

01:13:18.320 Yeah.

01:13:18.620 Not that I know anything about you, but you're a man, you're a man.

01:13:22.700 I mean, it's like, there's, you know, but I don't know.

01:13:27.240 I think that, you know, comedians, we are, that's kind of a litmus test among our peers

01:13:34.500 is to retain that authenticity.

01:13:37.160 That's not to say that there isn't some fun and there isn't some pretending and there isn't,

01:13:41.860 you know, exaggeration.

01:13:44.320 But, you know, it's also like, I think when comedians buy their own hype, even when, you

01:13:50.460 know, evil, you know, like when we were joking around, even like when comedians think they

01:13:54.780 are good looking, that's kind of the kiss of death, right?

01:13:57.700 When they're like, well, I am, I am a philosopher.

01:14:02.060 It's like, well, you know, you have to be self-aware.

01:14:06.360 Yeah.

01:14:06.760 It's scary.

01:14:07.540 It's kind of scary because also people start, you start, people start telling you stuff

01:14:12.100 and you have to be careful not really to believe them.

01:14:13.820 You have to just kind of know what your lane is.

01:14:15.740 You have to stay out of your ego.

01:14:17.440 The ego is really scary.

01:14:18.860 It is scary.

01:14:19.900 The ego is really, really scary, especially I think for guys who came from low self-worth

01:14:25.460 and then here's this false sense of self-worth, right?

01:14:29.640 Or here's this inflated, it's like this, it's like clothing.

01:14:34.200 It's like this clothing.

01:14:35.180 It's like, oh, look at me.

01:14:36.220 Look at what you can do.

01:14:37.520 But the inside of you, it doesn't really, it's not the reality.

01:14:41.820 So yeah, man, that's been the scary.

01:14:43.420 That's been something scary for me is like trying not to hear certain things or just

01:14:48.920 trying to keep my ego at bay.

01:14:51.080 I think it's ego, but I think it's also getting, for me, it's getting caught up in other people's

01:14:57.020 expectations, which is, it's not like a problem that you solve once.

01:15:02.320 It's, you know, like the fact that your podcast is independent, which is not good or bad, right

01:15:10.320 or wrong or anything like that, is like the expectation of where, of what you're supposed

01:15:18.920 to do with things is usually, and it's changing.

01:15:23.480 But like, I guess what I'm saying is like the fact that Rogan, you know, everyone was

01:15:29.800 like, oh, you're supposed to do this.

01:15:31.260 You're supposed to start your own podcast company.

01:15:33.200 He kind of didn't get caught up in that and then ended up doing that Spotify deal.

01:15:40.480 And it's, and I think comedians have a tendency to kind of go their own path.

01:15:46.220 But for me, when I sit there and I go, oh, I should, I should do this.

01:15:51.980 That's what everyone else is doing.

01:15:53.740 That's when I really mess up or it's like, oh, there's a, that's a nice dollar sign.

01:15:59.200 You know, my agent said, that's good money.

01:16:03.420 That's, that's when you get in trouble is other people's expectations rather than anyway.

01:16:09.820 No, no, that's a great point.

01:16:11.080 What do you think, what do you think is, how do we, how do we, how do we kind of, or what

01:16:17.320 things come into play there when we're trying to figure that out?

01:16:20.120 Because I'll have things like that that come across and it's like, hey man, you know, this

01:16:23.940 looks great.

01:16:24.520 This is so many thousands of dollars.

01:16:26.680 I'm like, dang, that looks great.

01:16:27.920 That, but then it's like trying to know what, trust whatever your instinct is, you know,

01:16:33.160 or know what your instinct is.

01:16:34.560 That's really hard sometimes.

01:16:36.280 Right.

01:16:36.860 To know like, is this an instinct or is this a fear?

01:16:39.920 Is this like an instinct telling me yes?

01:16:43.160 Or is that my ego telling me yes?

01:16:45.020 Like, it starts to get weird to fucking figure those like, who's like, who's at the front

01:16:50.600 pointing at that moment?

01:16:51.760 You know, what part of you?

01:16:52.740 I think it's like, you know, it's, you know, I think the ego is very impulsive, right?

01:16:59.700 So it's like maybe taking time and, you know, it sounds corny, the pros and the cons, that

01:17:06.120 helps a lot.

01:17:07.060 You know what I mean?

01:17:07.500 And also, you know, you've got this successful podcast, but like also you have friends and

01:17:15.980 you can, and you know, uh, it's just kind of like, you know, like your unique, uh, sensibility

01:17:23.340 is, is not something that someone could tell you how to come up with.

01:17:29.800 You know what I mean?

01:17:30.480 And it's like, that was on you, but I think, I think input from, uh, mentors, people you

01:17:39.720 and, but I think also tempered, you know what I mean?

01:17:42.800 Like, it's like kind of take all the advice and cut it in half.

01:17:46.960 Like even when people like bad mouth someone, I usually typically cut it in half.

01:17:51.780 And so that's why, like, if I really hate someone, I'm like, I already cut it in half

01:17:57.900 and I hate you.

01:17:58.940 You know what I mean?

01:18:00.020 I'm like, all right.

01:18:02.400 You're getting half the hate right now.

01:18:04.020 Half the bad shit you did.

01:18:05.920 What, um, when you and Geraldo were coming up, did he start off doing better than you?

01:18:09.980 You guys were both doing well at the same time.

01:18:11.420 Was there competition there?

01:18:12.700 Like what kind of, uh, that's so crazy.

01:18:15.460 He was so smart, huh?

01:18:16.980 He, oh, he was super smart.

01:18:18.580 And he was also, you know, everyone liked him.

01:18:23.740 And he would help me get in to, cause he grew up in Queens.

01:18:29.100 He would help me get into clubs on Long Island.

01:18:31.340 I was like this white bread guy, you know, and like on Long Island, they're like, who's

01:18:36.420 this dork?

01:18:37.320 Yeah.

01:18:37.720 Who's this milk man?

01:18:38.840 Yeah.

01:18:39.500 And so, uh, but he would help me, but yeah, no, he had a lot of success and I was jealous

01:18:46.920 and I told him that I was jealous and, uh, but you know, it's weird because it, you know,

01:18:55.500 it's not just about the, uh, the success.

01:19:00.500 I think it's like how we all process the failures.

01:19:05.220 Like I almost feel like the advantage I had was that I had failed in a lot of things.

01:19:13.900 Whereas like people that were really successful in everything, they didn't have kind of the

01:19:21.400 appetite for it, you know, like.

01:19:24.220 Or the aptitude even for failure.

01:19:26.140 You have to have some fucking.

01:19:27.060 Yeah.

01:19:27.540 And you know, like some people that are allergic to cilantro, they just, it, they're like,

01:19:31.740 it tastes like soap.

01:19:33.020 It's like, and so like failure, you have to have to have, uh, uh, you know, you know,

01:19:41.400 it's like.

01:19:41.880 You be tempered by it a little.

01:19:43.200 Yeah.

01:19:43.520 You have to like, you have to have the calluses to deal with some of it.

01:19:47.800 If that makes sense.

01:19:48.980 No, I think it makes a ton of sense, man.

01:19:51.880 Um, that's fascinating.

01:19:53.960 I wish I knew more about him.

01:19:55.200 I always hear neat things about him.

01:19:57.420 Yeah.

01:19:57.840 Um, his son's doing standup.

01:20:00.160 Really?

01:20:00.860 Yeah.

01:20:02.740 Wow.

01:20:03.100 I don't know if I'm supposed to add that, but.

01:20:05.080 No, good for him.

01:20:06.020 Yeah.

01:20:06.620 That's exciting.

01:20:07.820 Man, I always wonder what it feels like.

01:20:10.380 Uh, I wonder if somebody's so, like imagine having a father that was extremely famous,

01:20:15.800 right?

01:20:16.240 Yeah.

01:20:16.520 Like say your father was, I'm trying to think of somebody who was really, really famous.

01:20:22.740 Um.

01:20:25.200 Who can we think of?

01:20:28.020 Pierce Brosnan.

01:20:29.460 Yeah.

01:20:30.540 Carol O'Connor.

01:20:31.860 Or.

01:20:32.920 Who else has a kid?

01:20:35.160 Well, you know, like, um.

01:20:36.920 Like the Quaid.

01:20:38.700 Oh, that Quaid family.

01:20:40.020 They're interesting.

01:20:41.300 Yeah.

01:20:41.660 Interview Dennis.

01:20:42.540 I want to interview the, uh, brother to Randy.

01:20:45.000 Yeah.

01:20:45.420 I mean, well, yeah, you should totally interview him.

01:20:47.520 I want to interview Randy.

01:20:48.540 Randy, if you're out there, would love to, uh, sit down and chat with you sometime, man.

01:20:52.420 Well, he probably.

01:20:53.260 But their son, Jack.

01:20:54.380 Yeah.

01:20:54.900 Cause the son, Jack.

01:20:56.140 Extremely talented.

01:20:57.120 And an amazing guy.

01:20:58.320 I got to interview him years ago and he was, Jack is a neat guy.

01:21:01.000 Do you live in Nashville?

01:21:02.500 Yeah.

01:21:03.260 And cause I, I did this show full circle with Dennis and he lives in Nashville.

01:21:10.680 Well, Jesus.

01:21:11.720 Oh yeah.

01:21:12.060 Dennis lives there.

01:21:13.000 Yeah.

01:21:13.280 But I'm thinking Dennis brother, Randy.

01:21:15.040 Yeah.

01:21:15.280 But like they might, you know, he might go to visit his brother.

01:21:18.680 Yeah.

01:21:19.700 Yeah.

01:21:20.060 Dennis lives over there.

01:21:21.020 I saw his picture in a magazine.

01:21:22.860 Yeah.

01:21:23.820 Yeah.

01:21:24.260 Randy.

01:21:24.960 Yeah.

01:21:25.140 That's a serious beard.

01:21:26.560 That's a beard.

01:21:28.900 That's, uh, you know, that's when your face is like, Hey, I'm gonna live off the grid.

01:21:33.440 That's, that's kind of like, you're not going to tell me what I should do with my beard at all.

01:21:39.160 Yeah.

01:21:39.280 Because I'm not even going to be able to hear you.

01:21:41.100 That's why.

01:21:41.660 Cause I, there's some, there's some really interesting videos of him and his wife.

01:21:46.540 Right.

01:21:47.220 I haven't seen, is it like a sex stuff?

01:21:50.080 No, it's just, he's cause he's, uh, yeah, he's got out there.

01:21:55.080 He's got, you know, um, he's pretty strong right wing views.

01:21:59.020 Is that right?

01:21:59.540 Is that a safe way to say it?

01:22:00.560 I think so.

01:22:01.900 And he and his wife, it was really interesting cause they were on a park bench and they were

01:22:07.460 getting ready to drink, I think some champagne or something like that.

01:22:11.040 No, on this video.

01:22:12.400 Oh, on the video.

01:22:13.100 But they were, I think it was all about, you know, it was like about Biden and stuff like

01:22:18.240 that.

01:22:19.220 Yeah.

01:22:19.380 I think they'd get pretty political.

01:22:20.780 Yeah.

01:22:21.360 Um, but I would, I mean, Randy is an iconic character, you know, his cousin Eddie character

01:22:26.520 was iconic.

01:22:27.380 Yeah.

01:22:28.200 God, isn't that wild how that came?

01:22:29.740 I mean, that's just, and then the sun's a huge star now.

01:22:34.240 Yeah.

01:22:34.680 The sun is maybe a bigger star than even both of them were.

01:22:37.580 I mean, they're all, they've all obviously have a lot of talent in their family.

01:22:41.100 Um, dude, what about, um, I love dessert.

01:22:46.320 Don't you like it?

01:22:47.380 Oh yeah.

01:22:47.860 You know what I had yesterday, bro?

01:22:49.520 Baklava dude.

01:22:50.700 Really?

01:22:51.480 God, man.

01:22:52.380 I didn't even know what was going on and then I had it and I was like, wow, they really

01:22:57.240 did it good.

01:22:58.280 You had it?

01:22:59.160 I, yeah, no, it's great.

01:23:00.360 You know what I had yesterday?

01:23:01.480 I was on a plane and they, uh, no, it was before the plane.

01:23:06.020 I had, have you ever had olive oil cake?

01:23:11.920 It was amazing.

01:23:13.540 Really?

01:23:14.400 It was amazing.

01:23:15.700 Oh.

01:23:17.400 But Baklava, what, what, where'd you have it?

01:23:20.360 I had it from some Mediterranean's, you know?

01:23:23.620 Yeah.

01:23:24.380 A couple of, uh, Mediterranean's brought it by and God, it was just so good.

01:23:33.140 Right.

01:23:33.700 What's on it?

01:23:34.020 Bring up a chunk of Baklava dude.

01:23:36.260 Let me even see it.

01:23:38.460 Cause you know, at the end of the night, I either want to fucking do something horrible

01:23:42.560 to myself or have something like a, a sweet dessert.

01:23:45.820 Yeah.

01:23:47.000 It is.

01:23:47.960 Yeah.

01:23:48.360 So that's like, God, look at the layers on that.

01:23:51.120 I mean, that's almost like something a geologist would cut out of the earth.

01:23:54.860 Well, that's just how many layers of, and you know, I think similar to croissants, it's

01:24:00.820 like each one of those layers gets, uh, uh, a bunch of butter on it.

01:24:07.780 Oh.

01:24:09.100 Greek food is really underrated.

01:24:11.860 Oh.

01:24:12.200 It's really underrated.

01:24:13.560 Good.

01:24:14.080 I love, um, yeah, some of the pastries, they look so gentle.

01:24:20.060 You don't even, you know, you're like, do we eat this?

01:24:23.860 Yeah.

01:24:24.160 It's, it's, it's Baklava is, it's, it's, it's packed with sugar too.

01:24:30.260 It's just, yeah, I think it's like, it's really dense.

01:24:33.140 It's, I feel like there's different, like, there's different eras of sugar, like, you

01:24:39.320 know, cause like rock candy, they used to eat rock candy.

01:24:43.920 My mother loves it.

01:24:45.020 Rock candy.

01:24:46.300 And then like.

01:24:47.300 And it was sugar on a little wooden pole.

01:24:49.260 Right.

01:24:50.080 There's a chunk of sugar.

01:24:51.220 By the way, you ever had straight sugar cane?

01:24:54.140 Yeah.

01:24:54.360 That's great.

01:24:55.380 Like, you just get a hunk.

01:24:56.520 Mm-hmm.

01:24:57.240 And I think that's not bad for you.

01:25:00.300 Wow.

01:25:00.760 Cause it's not processed.

01:25:01.960 Yeah.

01:25:02.560 That process and really doesn't number.

01:25:04.580 It doesn't number on our bodies too.

01:25:06.220 Yeah.

01:25:06.500 But sugar cane, that stuff is so sweet.

01:25:08.260 It's unreal.

01:25:09.180 So, you know, here's the thing that I thought was, so I did this movie, Peter Pan, where

01:25:13.880 I was, uh, I played a pirate.

01:25:16.040 So I kind of went down a rabbit hole learning about pirates.

01:25:19.260 And so when sugar became this big thing, that's where, so like sugar, people started putting

01:25:32.640 sugar in their tea and their coffee and they put sugar in everything.

01:25:37.320 People love sugar and it destroyed people's teeth.

01:25:40.980 And so like prior to that, people's teeth were fine, but like once sugar happened, it devastated

01:25:49.280 people's, uh, teeth.

01:25:51.780 Here's another interesting thing that I thought was really wild is that like the coffee break

01:25:56.700 was created so that people would drink coffee because when people drink coffee, they're more

01:26:07.040 efficient at work.

01:26:09.140 So they wanted people to drink coffee.

01:26:12.620 You know, I don't know if you drink coffee at all.

01:26:14.700 Yeah.

01:26:14.880 I like having, but like, it's like you can kind of focus and you can kind of, I mean,

01:26:20.600 it also keeps you regular, but like you can focus.

01:26:23.020 So like they wanted people to drink coffee.

01:26:25.580 Yeah.

01:26:26.000 I mean, some people said there were women that would get rid of it.

01:26:27.780 If they, if they didn't have coffee, they would get rid of their children.

01:26:30.080 They couldn't handle it.

01:26:30.840 You know, they need, it's part of their day.

01:26:32.860 You know, it's people, it's a staple in American dayhood.

01:26:35.660 And my daughter, who's 14, I think all my kids love it, but like, they love Starbucks.

01:26:43.520 They love Starbucks.

01:26:45.620 Like how I loved McDonald's or Wendy's.

01:26:50.300 They're all about the cake pop.

01:26:52.740 They're all about that sugary, you know, those shakes.

01:26:56.620 They're essentially just shakes that they're getting, but it's a social atmosphere going

01:27:01.600 to Starbucks.

01:27:02.080 Yeah.

01:27:02.440 It's a thing.

01:27:03.080 It's a, it's a rite of passage.

01:27:04.520 It's like now you're part of your day, you know?

01:27:07.140 Yeah.

01:27:07.500 It's like the morning paper almost in a way.

01:27:09.300 Yes.

01:27:09.740 It's fancy.

01:27:11.780 It's kind of adult pretending.

01:27:15.720 Yes.

01:27:16.120 That's very true.

01:27:16.800 I'm here to get my, they have your name written down.

01:27:19.380 Yes.

01:27:19.620 It's like, yeah, I'm here for my coffee that I reserved.

01:27:22.420 Kids love it.

01:27:23.760 Yeah.

01:27:23.980 They love it.

01:27:24.580 And those cake pops are just, it's just a rip off.

01:27:27.820 It's just a dot of a cookie.

01:27:30.220 Oh, it's nothing.

01:27:31.040 I can't believe that that's anything.

01:27:32.380 Bring that up.

01:27:34.020 That cake pop.

01:27:36.100 And it's just fucking, and it's gotta be as a bigger, you know, a bigger guy sees you

01:27:41.040 eating that.

01:27:41.480 He's like, what are you, what are you doing?

01:27:43.020 Right.

01:27:43.760 You know what I mean?

01:27:44.240 What are you doing, huh?

01:27:45.700 Who do you love?

01:27:46.600 You know what's amazing?

01:27:47.700 Who do you love?

01:27:47.780 Who do you love?

01:27:47.800 Did you know that those cake pops, they grow them on trees?

01:27:51.080 Mm-mm.

01:27:52.100 Isn't that weird?

01:27:53.280 Oh, yeah.

01:27:54.000 There's different trees.

01:27:55.040 There's like strawberry cake trees, and there's chocolate cakes.

01:27:57.720 And it's just the way that they do it?

01:27:59.580 Yeah.

01:27:59.760 They just grow like that.

01:28:02.420 Dude-

01:28:02.800 They do add the sprinkles later.

01:28:04.380 Those aren't natural.

01:28:05.360 Well, you know what'll drive you-

01:28:07.040 Did you know sugar, most of our sugar comes from beets?

01:28:10.400 What?

01:28:11.000 Yeah.

01:28:13.460 Look up Nampa.

01:28:15.100 Nampa.

01:28:15.860 Oh, Idaho.

01:28:16.620 By the way, beets-

01:28:19.040 Vietnam-a, dude.

01:28:20.980 Beets are a very underrated vegetable.

01:28:23.920 And they're making a comeback.

01:28:25.500 Radishes are making a comeback.

01:28:27.160 Radishes are making a comeback.

01:28:28.440 Aren't they?

01:28:29.120 Radishes are.

01:28:29.740 They are.

01:28:30.180 By the way, I grow radishes in my garden.

01:28:32.720 It takes like 20 days.

01:28:33.860 Easiest thing to grow.

01:28:35.140 So easy.

01:28:36.080 Easiest thing to grow.

01:28:37.000 And you can never decide if they taste good or not, but you eat-

01:28:39.140 Right.

01:28:40.120 And I put them in a salad, and my kids are like,

01:28:42.620 Ow!

01:28:43.100 Did you put jalapenos in here?

01:28:44.560 I'm like, those are radishes.

01:28:45.600 Because my kids are that white.

01:28:47.880 They're white jalapenos, dude.

01:28:52.500 That's hilarious.

01:28:53.180 What do we have there?

01:28:53.780 We have Nampa sugar?

01:28:55.760 Let's look it up.

01:28:56.460 I'm going to be honest with you here.

01:28:57.540 A lot of our sugar in America comes from beets, and that's over in Nampa.

01:29:01.080 That's insane.

01:29:02.420 Yeah, I guess there is a big company called Amalgamated Sugars that's based in Nampa.

01:29:07.460 The Nampa factory processes 12,000 tons of sugar beets.

01:29:11.140 Sorry, that's what they are.

01:29:12.100 And granulates 1,000 tons of sugar per day.

01:29:14.940 Wow, that's a lot.

01:29:16.500 In addition to processing sugar beets into sugar and molasses, the Nampa factory produces animal feed products such as pulp and betaine.

01:29:25.320 So wait a minute.

01:29:26.260 I'm kind of, what does a sugar beet mean?

01:29:28.940 I'm not sure.

01:29:29.400 Can we see one?

01:29:29.800 Is that like a sugar stock?

01:29:31.840 Sugar cane?

01:29:32.840 Is that another thing?

01:29:34.580 There you go.

01:29:35.760 What?

01:29:36.060 Yeah, sugar canes, dude.

01:29:39.340 That's it.

01:29:40.020 Oh my God.

01:29:40.720 I never knew that.

01:29:42.180 Let's look at a sugar beet.

01:29:43.180 I never knew.

01:29:43.540 Wait a minute.

01:29:44.200 I always thought sugar cane was where all sugar came from.

01:29:48.420 Brother, we all did.

01:29:49.300 I thought it was, I thought it was, you know, from Cuba and Puerto Rico.

01:29:56.080 Oh yeah, homie.

01:29:56.580 We got the sucre.

01:29:57.660 You know what I mean?

01:29:58.140 Yeah.

01:29:59.080 And that's why there's Bacardi there and.

01:30:01.900 Can we look at sugar beets, the wiki of it or something?

01:30:04.720 So wait a minute.

01:30:05.540 And Namp or Viet Nampa, as they call it, because I think there's a lot of issues out there.

01:30:11.420 A sugar beet is a plant whose root contains a high concentration of sucrose and which is

01:30:17.160 grown commercially for sugar production.

01:30:19.900 What?

01:30:20.640 Yeah.

01:30:21.300 Oh my gosh.

01:30:22.160 Sugar beets are grown in climates that are too cold for sugar cane.

01:30:25.660 Oh, that's interesting.

01:30:27.800 In Russia, in 2020, Russia, the United States, Germany, France, and Turkey were the world's

01:30:32.620 five largest sugar beet producers.

01:30:35.540 I mean, you ever occasionally just hear about an animal that's never, and you, I was working

01:30:42.100 on this movie and this woman was like, because we have a place in, thank you, in upstate New

01:30:49.360 York and she's like, oh yeah, there's a lot of blah, blah, blah.

01:30:52.240 Like she was like some type of cat.

01:30:55.660 And I was like, what's that?

01:30:56.420 And she was like, you've never heard of that?

01:30:58.080 It's like, I, like it was just, it's some kind of common wild, you know.

01:31:04.340 So, and you didn't know it existed.

01:31:05.840 I didn't know it existed.

01:31:07.540 Blows your mind.

01:31:08.720 Right?

01:31:09.500 Yeah.

01:31:10.080 You're like, how could I miss out on some of it?

01:31:13.400 She was like, it's the equivalent of like a mountain lion.

01:31:16.340 I'm like, what?

01:31:18.240 I'm like.

01:31:19.400 Yeah.

01:31:19.600 Like what have I been doing?

01:31:20.960 How could I not know that?

01:31:22.440 How about the fact that bears used to be everywhere?

01:31:26.320 Bears were everywhere.

01:31:27.800 Bears and wolves were everywhere.

01:31:32.960 Oh, I would be, imagine you're like, hey, I'm going to go take a walk.

01:31:37.980 And people are like, I don't know if I would.

01:31:40.200 Right.

01:31:41.100 Yeah.

01:31:41.580 And you're like, fuck you, I will.

01:31:43.100 And then you die.

01:31:44.800 Yeah.

01:31:45.140 Well, I think in China, people used to get eaten by tigers all the time.

01:31:51.020 Yeah.

01:31:51.380 I think in China and India, you would just get eaten by a tiger.

01:31:57.460 Oh, I would hate that.

01:31:59.640 And imagine if they start eating you, you know, you can't get away.

01:32:02.180 What do you do then while it's eating you?

01:32:04.720 Like say it's got your leg going down it.

01:32:06.660 Right.

01:32:07.580 And the pain is subsided.

01:32:08.880 The pain, your adrenaline will take over.

01:32:11.700 Yeah.

01:32:12.100 So you're just feeling, you're just horrified.

01:32:16.920 You'd probably have like a weapon.

01:32:18.800 You'd have a knife on you.

01:32:19.960 Right.

01:32:20.260 And you'd just be like, if I'm going down, you're going down with me.

01:32:23.360 Right.

01:32:23.860 What if you don't have that?

01:32:26.200 You just pet it, you think?

01:32:29.040 I think I'll try to put it to sleep.

01:32:30.560 If it falls asleep, you might be able to get away.

01:32:31.780 You'd pet it and just be like, oh, it's such a cute kitty cat and the cat.

01:32:35.520 We'd be like.

01:32:36.860 Like maybe underneath the belly and they're like, oh.

01:32:40.900 Right.

01:32:41.680 They're like.

01:32:44.200 Hush, little baby.

01:32:47.800 Do you remember nursery rhymes?

01:32:49.480 If people would always sing those to babies and now people are like, shut the fuck up, kid.

01:32:54.380 Yeah.

01:32:56.500 Yeah.

01:32:57.360 Nursery rhymes.

01:32:59.020 Hush.

01:32:59.300 A lot of them are really kind of dark.

01:33:03.400 Right.

01:33:04.940 Like Ring Around the Rosie.

01:33:07.220 That's about like the plague.

01:33:10.240 And I think.

01:33:14.440 Was it?

01:33:15.060 Ring Around the Rosie about the plague?

01:33:16.520 I think it was.

01:33:18.520 It's crazy.

01:33:20.860 Were your.

01:33:22.760 Who took care of you when you were a kid?

01:33:24.880 I was.

01:33:25.560 I live by myself.

01:33:26.940 No, I.

01:33:27.460 I was the youngest of six kids.

01:33:32.480 I mean, I kind of.

01:33:34.040 It was.

01:33:34.640 Oh, so you are the.

01:33:35.780 There was nothing left in the parental tank for you, probably.

01:33:38.740 No, not really.

01:33:39.660 That's interesting because some people usually say, oh, you were spoiled.

01:33:42.840 But like there was there was a burnout effect.

01:33:46.420 Yeah.

01:33:46.600 Number four was spoiled.

01:33:47.840 Dude, you were.

01:33:48.280 Yeah, and there was just, you know, so like they were highly suspicious of everything I

01:33:56.580 had done.

01:33:59.440 Yeah, but it was also there was I think it was an era where kids were kind of, you know,

01:34:06.480 there would be like, get out of the house, see at eight, you know what I mean, or see

01:34:11.040 at dinner.

01:34:12.580 But during the summer, like we would.

01:34:15.380 We would camp out like.

01:34:16.980 I can't imagine my kids just camping out.

01:34:20.720 But we used to do that.

01:34:22.800 We used to just, you know, all right, we're going to build a bar.

01:34:26.620 And he'd just wake up at three in the morning freezing.

01:34:29.920 Yeah.

01:34:31.320 You'd run home covered in bug bites.

01:34:34.760 You're like, why did we do that?

01:34:36.640 And then two weeks later, you're like, should we do that again?

01:34:38.780 Yeah.

01:34:39.480 Right.

01:34:40.720 You said you lived in up in upstate New York.

01:34:43.180 Does Louie.

01:34:43.820 Do you live by Louie?

01:34:44.880 I don't know.

01:34:45.900 No, I don't think so.

01:34:47.420 I think he lives up there somewhere.

01:34:49.160 Yeah.

01:34:49.700 I'm in like Westchester.

01:34:51.820 Oh, sweet.

01:34:52.280 I don't know where that is, but.

01:34:54.180 So, yeah.

01:34:54.760 So how many people, how many episodes of your podcast have you had?

01:34:59.540 450, I think.

01:35:00.700 Wow.

01:35:02.400 452.

01:35:03.500 452.

01:35:03.860 And this is our last episode in this studio, actually.

01:35:06.880 Now, if I did, so I was on it in 2018, 19.

01:35:12.880 Mm-hmm.

01:35:13.680 Was it here?

01:35:14.840 No.

01:35:15.660 It was at a different studio that was closer by, towards the airport.

01:35:20.160 And so how do you, do you, do you set, did you design this or did someone else?

01:35:26.540 No, let me think.

01:35:27.800 A lot of, like, listeners and stuff have sent things in that were really cool.

01:35:31.600 There's a picture of Brody Stevens somebody sent.

01:35:34.240 A lot of neat things.

01:35:35.440 We have a deck, a whole deck of cards that somebody drew all these faces on different cards from all of our guests.

01:35:42.020 Oh, wow.

01:35:42.800 There's one of you in here, too.

01:35:44.100 Somebody made, but somebody made individual cards.

01:35:48.600 Oh, that's amazing.

01:35:49.680 This is, this is truly amazing that somebody did all those.

01:35:54.520 So, and then, yeah, I think, yeah, we just kind of put it together.

01:36:00.320 I don't know if we've always had the best design aesthetic, but.

01:36:04.160 What was the most awkward?

01:36:06.760 Was there one where you're like, this feels like work?

01:36:10.620 Or was there one where.

01:36:12.920 An episode?

01:36:13.680 This person's wasted.

01:36:15.700 Oh, Jesse Ventura.

01:36:17.320 Oh, really?

01:36:17.980 The Baja.

01:36:19.600 Yeah, down in the Baja.

01:36:21.840 Now, were you down there when you did it?

01:36:23.860 And I'll tell you why.

01:36:25.540 You want to know why?

01:36:26.780 I'm not good at it, but.

01:36:28.000 And he.

01:36:29.060 Baja.

01:36:29.840 So he was the governor of Minnesota.

01:36:32.060 Yeah, dude, he's the governor.

01:36:33.640 But he's, he's, now he's kind of.

01:36:36.700 Do you think he's got CTE?

01:36:38.120 Oh, I think he's the mayor of dementia now.

01:36:41.600 Oh.

01:36:42.800 And was he, was there hostility?

01:36:45.100 Not a chance.

01:36:47.100 He's like, I'm going to leave in 30 minutes.

01:36:49.680 Let me tell you something for two and a half hours.

01:36:52.580 Wow.

01:36:53.340 And he just talked the whole time.

01:36:55.040 I felt, you know, I shouldn't rip him so much.

01:36:57.300 It was just, it got to be insufferable, kind of.

01:37:00.820 And was, was, what was your connection?

01:37:03.120 Your connection, was he promoting a book?

01:37:05.960 Was he, was he.

01:37:08.240 I think he was in like a motorcycle gang or something.

01:37:09.960 But I was just, I think I was just excited to talk to him, you know.

01:37:13.000 Yeah.

01:37:13.400 And just intrigued by him.

01:37:15.300 He had a unique life, you know, to get to go do, to be a professional wrestler, to be a.

01:37:22.220 He was an aqua marine.

01:37:24.440 I'm not sure what it's called.

01:37:25.940 Seal?

01:37:26.760 Yeah, he was a Navy SEAL.

01:37:29.060 But it was, they do a lot of the, they go in first and like will set like a, like check

01:37:37.740 out the premises before maybe the Marines come and land.

01:37:42.880 I can't remember what the group is called.

01:37:44.800 But yeah, a lot of underwater.

01:37:46.540 So it's like underwater.

01:37:47.940 UBA, U-B-U-D, I don't know.

01:37:50.040 Did he play in the NFL?

01:37:51.520 I feel like he played in the NFL.

01:37:53.660 Maybe he did.

01:37:54.920 I don't remember if he did.

01:37:56.300 But yeah, so that was just kind of a tough one, you know.

01:38:00.480 And then I think on different days, some of them are different.

01:38:03.500 Some days I wish I knew more when I was talking to people.

01:38:06.400 And some days I wish that I was in like a better energy or attitude, you know.

01:38:12.120 Has it been hard being a parent and being like a famous person?

01:38:15.900 Has that been kind of tricky?

01:38:17.620 It is weird.

01:38:18.460 Because, you know, you don't really think of yourself as, you know, having any level of fame.

01:38:30.920 Right.

01:38:31.280 There's moments where you're like, oh, this is sweet.

01:38:33.580 I get to get a restaurant.

01:38:36.660 I can go in a restaurant.

01:38:37.800 But so there is moments where I, you know, like my son at one point when I was picking him up from like soccer camp or something, it was like, you know, my coach was kind of a jerk saying, oh, you're the funny guy.

01:39:02.460 You know, you're the funny guy's kid.

01:39:04.140 You know what I mean?

01:39:04.520 So like that's weird.

01:39:07.260 But yeah, I mean, I don't know.

01:39:10.180 It's strange because there is, you know, the, you know, it's weird because like my dad was a small town banker.

01:39:21.500 So I didn't, there's nothing to prepare you for it.

01:39:24.360 You know what I mean?

01:39:25.640 So.

01:39:26.060 Yeah, totally.

01:39:26.580 And how could you know how to prepare for it?

01:39:28.500 Yeah.

01:39:28.660 And especially it doesn't see it.

01:39:29.880 A lot of times you don't feel like you're popular.

01:39:31.860 You don't feel, it's like you walk around thinking, oh, I'm up.

01:39:34.520 It's like you're just kind of living your life.

01:39:36.620 And then there's this other realm that's kind of going on that flares up every now and then when you're in certain instances.

01:39:43.320 Yeah.

01:39:43.620 And or like if you're, you know, if we're eating dinner with, you know, not that we eat out really that often, but like if we're eating out and someone's like comes up, that's weird.

01:39:55.680 Yeah.

01:39:56.240 Do you know what I mean?

01:39:56.760 And it's like, I don't mind it if I'm alone or if I'm after a show and I'm in a restaurant.

01:40:03.940 But if I'm with my family, it's a little weird.

01:40:06.240 Yeah.

01:40:06.600 Because you have to take a break from that moment and then step out.

01:40:10.180 And then it's like the center of attention is you.

01:40:11.780 Then I have to act like I'm nice.

01:40:13.340 Right.

01:40:14.320 Yeah.

01:40:14.400 In front of my kids.

01:40:16.860 And I don't like my kids seeing me be kind.

01:40:20.360 Yeah.

01:40:20.720 I always wonder what the law, like what the effects of that are, like what are the residual effects that you don't even realize or that any popular parent doesn't even realize, you know, that a kid then how it affects their life.

01:40:33.420 And then sometimes I was thinking like, imagine if your dad was like extremely famous, your dad was like Napoleon Bonaparte or if your dad was like Michael Jordan, you know, how would you ever make your dad feel like he means as much to you as he does to like just some stranger?

01:40:53.520 You know, I wonder if there would always be some weird hangups, you know, if you were that level of popularity, you'd have to be really interesting.

01:41:00.280 Yeah.

01:41:01.020 I think Napoleon's son even became, I think he ruled France too.

01:41:06.980 Oh, really?

01:41:07.720 Yeah.

01:41:08.440 Wow.

01:41:08.860 I think that like there was, I mean, I think, I don't know, I want to see that Napoleon movie coming out.

01:41:17.260 Is there a new one?

01:41:18.420 Yeah.

01:41:18.920 Did you see Mel Gibson's new movie yet?

01:41:20.760 Which one's that?

01:41:21.580 It's a documentary.

01:41:22.460 It's called The Sound of Freedom.

01:41:25.080 Oh, wait.

01:41:25.700 That's a documentary?

01:41:26.940 It's a real film.

01:41:27.940 That's Jim Caviezel, right?

01:41:30.820 It's called The Sound of Freedom.

01:41:33.020 It's the incredible story of a former government agent turned vigilante who embarks on a dangerous mission to rescue hundreds of children from sex trafficking.

01:41:40.280 Yeah.

01:41:40.360 Yeah.

01:41:40.420 That's Jim Caviezel, right?

01:41:43.340 Yeah.

01:41:44.160 Yeah.

01:41:44.480 I need to go see this.

01:41:45.800 Is that Mira Sarvino?

01:41:48.020 Ooh.

01:41:50.240 And Bill Camp.

01:41:53.000 Ooh, wow.

01:41:54.720 Yeah.

01:41:55.180 I think that's like the number one movie.

01:41:58.520 That's wild.

01:41:59.580 I gotta pee.

01:42:00.780 You do?

01:42:01.420 Yeah.

01:42:01.680 I always have to pee.

01:42:02.620 I had to pee before I even came in here.

01:42:04.760 Yeah.

01:42:04.920 Go pee and we'll do another 20 minutes.

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01:42:36.740 What are you quitting, smoking?

01:42:38.640 No, I'm addicted to this.

01:42:40.400 You're addicted to nicotine gum?

01:42:41.680 Yeah.

01:42:42.400 Oh my god, bro.

01:42:45.000 Yeah, why not?

01:42:46.620 Yeah, you're right.

01:42:47.980 Oh, if they had cocaine the gum?

01:42:49.940 I'm sure they probably have some.

01:42:54.460 I'm surprised that's not, like, at some store.

01:42:57.900 Oh, yeah, cocaine gum, it's good for you.

01:43:00.480 Because you know you'd have a buddy.

01:43:01.920 It's not addictive because you're chewing it.

01:43:04.060 Yeah, yeah.

01:43:04.720 It's not addictive if you cheer for the Mets.

01:43:07.080 No, it's good.

01:43:07.780 It's good for your jawline, too.

01:43:10.560 You get the cocaine gum, that's fine.

01:43:13.020 Yeah.

01:43:13.380 It's cheaper than regular cocaine, too.

01:43:15.360 Oh, yeah.

01:43:15.900 My cousin, he had half of his throat taken out.

01:43:18.200 Look at this cocaine chewing gum.

01:43:19.680 Yeah, that was the thing in the Old West was cocaine gum.

01:43:22.600 Wow.

01:43:23.120 Fuck yeah, dude.

01:43:24.560 Now, that's, I would go through it.

01:43:25.880 Yeah, I'd rot off into the heat, dude, if I was on cocaine gum.

01:43:29.280 Look how they used to spell it, too, with no E on that little jar.

01:43:34.820 Cocaine.

01:43:35.460 But you know.

01:43:36.380 Did you used to party with it some, ever?

01:43:38.220 With cocaine?

01:43:39.060 Yeah.

01:43:39.520 I've done it, but, you know.

01:43:41.020 Yeah, me too.

01:43:42.280 You know.

01:43:44.100 You were like, yeah, me too.

01:43:46.960 Oh, dude, it's fine.

01:43:48.220 You know what that.

01:43:49.000 I think about it.

01:43:49.660 Sometimes I think about us meeting up in, like, a room, like, you know, like, having

01:43:52.640 a, eloping.

01:43:54.280 I'll literally think about that.

01:43:56.040 Like, me riding off in a carriage in the night with an eight ball just holding on to

01:43:59.860 me from behind, you know?

01:44:00.920 The, um, that's one of the influences of having kids is, like, it kind of removes some

01:44:11.880 of the stupidity stuff from you, like, you're like, wow, I can't do that anymore.

01:44:16.760 Yeah, you can't do it anymore.

01:44:17.920 Well, it's like a baby is born, and you, you look at the baby, and your first thought

01:44:22.560 is, well, I'm going to take suicide off the table.

01:44:26.220 You know what I mean?

01:44:26.940 I mean, it's, it's a really dark thing, but it kind of is true.

01:44:31.800 You're like, and now you're like, I can't do that.

01:44:36.180 You know?

01:44:36.580 Yeah.

01:44:37.000 But.

01:44:37.820 There goes gymnastics.

01:44:38.760 You're like, all right, I guess I can't be a hobo anymore.

01:44:43.620 Do you know what I mean?

01:44:44.400 So.

01:44:44.920 There is things like that in your life that start to disappear.

01:44:47.340 Like, there's, there's, like, years where you're watching football, and you're like,

01:44:50.120 yeah, one day I'll get back out there and play.

01:44:52.340 Even if you never play, you're like, one of these days, I'll be back out there, you

01:44:56.820 know?

01:44:56.960 Yeah.

01:44:57.300 They'll miss me.

01:44:58.080 Somebody will call, they'll need a free agent, you know?

01:45:00.320 Yeah, yeah.

01:45:00.980 Or they'll do a strike, and they'll have tryouts.

01:45:02.820 They'll just need, they'll need a long snapper.

01:45:04.580 Is there anyone here in the stadium?

01:45:08.880 I could do long snapping.

01:45:10.780 I did that in high school.

01:45:13.480 And then even those ideas start to, they don't show up anymore.

01:45:18.140 Then there's just not a chance.

01:45:20.320 Well, there is, like, the, the Olympic dreams die.

01:45:24.320 Yeah.

01:45:24.680 You're like, all right, well, that's, like, also when quarterbacks are retiring, and

01:45:29.500 they're, like, 20 years younger than you, you're like, so Tom Brady's that old?

01:45:34.160 He's only 45?

01:45:35.480 You're like, oh, I guess, I guess I am old.

01:45:42.640 Yeah, you've done a lot of acting.

01:45:44.980 With this, with this many specials, do you think about slowing it down?

01:45:48.180 What do you think?

01:45:48.800 Do you start to, has your view or your vantage point got different?

01:45:54.460 I don't know if anybody has as many specials as you.

01:45:56.840 I mean, you might be the most prolific.

01:45:58.200 Well, it is, it is weird.

01:46:02.280 I think it's like, well, with, I think we're all kind of re-evaluating what we're doing

01:46:08.700 all the time.

01:46:09.660 But some of it, I think, was motivating, motivated by when I tour, I definitely want the audience

01:46:17.140 to see a new show.

01:46:21.080 And then there is such a sense of completion in finishing the hour.

01:46:30.060 And then, I don't know, I feel like with stand-up, I'm kind of, I'm getting better.

01:46:36.240 You know, like, there's, all right, you know, I'll be like, all right, I'm going to, I want

01:46:41.900 to tell some stories.

01:46:43.300 All right, now I want to talk about, I don't want to talk about food at all, which was like

01:46:49.460 another hurdle of mine.

01:46:51.880 And then I was like, all right, I'm going to talk, my wife had a brain tumor, I'm going

01:46:54.860 to talk about the brain tumor.

01:46:56.900 And then, all right, I, you know, like, I could just talk about my kids constantly, but I'm

01:47:02.840 like, I'm not going to just, because I was like that 26-year-old guy sitting in a comedy

01:47:08.000 club hearing people talk about their kids.

01:47:09.940 And I was like, I can't even get a date.

01:47:13.140 So, you know what I mean?

01:47:15.580 So, there's the assignment of it, but, yeah, I don't know.

01:47:21.400 There is something of, because in the weird way, we're doing it for ourselves, right?

01:47:30.240 And so, when you get off stage, and people are like, thank you so much, you're like,

01:47:34.760 I was just doing that for myself.

01:47:37.300 You know, it was like, I had fun.

01:47:39.300 You know, it's like, you know, there was this, there used to be this saying, like, doing colleges,

01:47:44.580 you're not paid for the show, you're paid because it's so hard to get to them.

01:47:48.860 You know what I mean?

01:47:49.900 Oh, that was always the worst.

01:47:51.160 Yeah.

01:47:51.400 And so, but to answer your question, I do feel like, I don't know.

01:47:57.720 Yeah.

01:47:58.140 I mean, definitely, you know, taking some time, but it is, I enjoy, it's the creative fulfillment.

01:48:08.360 That's, that's the buzz.

01:48:10.440 Well, that's, that's.

01:48:11.220 And I think, I think that people that have podcasts get that, that buzz, and, you know,

01:48:19.160 it's, and, and I enjoy acting, and I get it there, but like, acting's so, it's so erratic

01:48:26.840 on when you can do it, so.

01:48:28.820 So, yeah, there's, there's definitely like, I think, a fulfillment aspect for people.

01:48:36.660 Like, you get to the end of a, of a chapter in your life, you don't want to, you just,

01:48:41.320 you challenge yourself, I don't want to talk about this anymore, I want to try something

01:48:44.320 new.

01:48:45.460 You also feel yourself evolving, you know, that's something I feel in my own life sometimes

01:48:49.220 now.

01:48:49.600 For like, some of the first time in probably forever, I've started to feel like, oh man,

01:48:53.060 I'm evolving a little bit, I need to.

01:48:54.880 To, I want to start thinking in different patterns and talking about stuff that maybe

01:49:00.780 has more, is like, more thoughtful to me.

01:49:04.400 But then sometimes it's like, you don't want to get too crazy, and you want to make sure

01:49:07.300 that people are just having fun, you know?

01:49:09.160 Absolutely.

01:49:09.840 It's like, you don't want to turn into some like, you know, guy who's just like preaching,

01:49:14.460 you know?

01:49:14.740 Yeah.

01:49:14.820 So that can be kind of a tough, that can be tough a little bit sometimes to manage.

01:49:19.220 And I think comedians, we, I, I think people are always so surprised at how sincere

01:49:24.820 comedians are.

01:49:25.840 That's not to say that we're, we don't joke around and have fun, but like, but we have

01:49:31.940 to keep a balance on that sincerity, because if we get too sincere, then we're just, then

01:49:38.480 we might as well just be a preacher.

01:49:40.280 Yeah.

01:49:40.480 You know what I mean?

01:49:40.940 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:49:41.480 Do you know what I mean?

01:49:42.080 Then we're like, you know, the way we should do, go, you know, it's like, we might as well

01:49:46.600 just be preaching, you know?

01:49:48.620 Did you see that little kid, that Pentecostal kid recently?

01:49:51.180 They had a kid who was doing, speaking in tongues.

01:49:55.280 Oh, wow.

01:49:55.600 He was a young preacher.

01:49:57.700 Now, did you, growing up, did you go to church?

01:50:00.300 We would sometimes, my dad would take us over there.

01:50:02.960 I mean, my dad was so old when I was young, when I was a child, and so he would walk over

01:50:06.620 there to church and he'd fall asleep.

01:50:07.820 He'd fall asleep wherever we were.

01:50:09.280 Yeah.

01:50:09.800 And so when I got there, I was kind of on my own wherever we went, you know?

01:50:12.660 My dad was like, I'll introduce you to people.

01:50:14.220 We'd go, we'd sit down for a second till he could take a break and then he'd be fucking dead

01:50:18.280 asleep.

01:50:19.140 So then I would just be kind of like in these places and I had this sleeping father that

01:50:24.220 felt uncomfortable.

01:50:25.780 And then I was there and had to kind of like navigate some situations.

01:50:29.700 That kind of stuff would happen a lot with my dad.

01:50:32.060 And how, what kind of church was it?

01:50:35.080 Presbyterian.

01:50:36.120 Presbyterian.

01:50:36.520 Yeah.

01:50:36.920 Yeah.

01:50:37.100 They had three nice oak trees, I remember.

01:50:40.120 And they tried to do an insurance fire once or twice, but it didn't take.

01:50:45.260 And great breakfast over there, though.

01:50:49.340 Right.

01:50:50.420 God.

01:50:51.180 Nothing will bring you home, you know, nothing will bring you to the Lord like a dang, one

01:50:54.660 of those donuts with pink frosting on Friday.

01:50:56.540 Well, I just think of like different churches.

01:50:58.640 It is like, you remember, like we went to this church in Maryland that, just amazing, you

01:51:07.360 go and get pizza and donuts.

01:51:11.060 And, you know, you're like, you're usually a little hungover on Sunday.

01:51:14.940 And you're like, this is sweet.

01:51:18.780 You don't have a little kick from that lemonade.

01:51:21.100 You're like, this is perfect.

01:51:22.580 Yeah.

01:51:22.820 God knows what I need.

01:51:24.240 But yeah, church was, I thought the funnest thing about church was just kids playing and

01:51:29.580 stuff like, like a social environment, you know, and it used to be, that was the place

01:51:35.320 you saw anybody.

01:51:36.180 They didn't have all this other stuff.

01:51:37.800 You had to, you know, fight off yellow fever all week and dysentery and get everybody's butts

01:51:42.920 clean and everything and then wagging them up to church.

01:51:46.160 And that's where you'd see somebody and hope somebody would, with a little bit of money would

01:51:49.880 make love to your daughter or, you know, or, you know, that's where, you know,

01:51:54.240 that's where it happened.

01:51:55.500 It all happened right there on the, you know.

01:51:58.360 And, you know, it's like, you know, there is something strange about, because also I spent

01:52:03.960 my 20s and, you know, my 30s very much opposed to it.

01:52:10.540 And then I married this woman that is Catholic.

01:52:13.680 And I mean, I was raised Catholic, but kind of just kind of culturally.

01:52:18.860 And, but there is something about, there's a quietness there that, you know, there's

01:52:27.900 something meditative about it.

01:52:29.920 And maybe because it's so boring, but it was, it's, there is something about like, oh, and

01:52:37.720 I'm just standing there with my kids.

01:52:39.400 I'm just sitting there with my kids.

01:52:41.160 It's, it's like the world slows down.

01:52:45.020 Like I, you know, you see why people go and why they have a connection to it.

01:52:50.880 Yeah, I love, I mean, I love faith.

01:52:52.940 You know, I have, I feel like I have a good faith, you know.

01:52:55.460 I like being able to close my eyes and, and I like to pray twice a day.

01:52:59.400 I like to be able to think about God and, and, and talk and, or my God and ask him,

01:53:04.560 you know, what I can do for others and just things like that.

01:53:08.140 Or if I need help to offer me some suggestion, I love that kind of stuff.

01:53:14.440 I mean, one of the best times I've ever had in my life or best I'd ever felt was when I

01:53:17.480 felt like I had a really strong connection to a higher power.

01:53:20.060 Yeah.

01:53:20.480 And I'd worked on it a lot and it, and it really came to fruition.

01:53:23.580 And even if some people say, well, that's voodoo, whatever it is, doesn't matter.

01:53:29.600 It worked, it like, it worked as much as, as it, it was real as far as I knew.

01:53:36.120 And if that's, if that's the truth to me, then that's great.

01:53:39.720 Well, it's also, you talk about, you, you had mentioned before ego, right?

01:53:44.520 Like, that humility, or just a concept of humility, is so necessary, right, to navigate

01:53:54.980 this.

01:53:55.880 Because if you let the ego take over, it's trouble.

01:54:00.840 You know what I mean?

01:54:01.400 And I know that, I know that to some people listening, and then we just sound like we're

01:54:05.680 saying gobbledygook, but like, it is one of those, like when you, you know, you're somebody

01:54:10.780 that if you, you know, like I've struggled with my ego and stuff like that, it's like

01:54:17.080 the only way you can get that in line is having some humility.

01:54:23.160 And like, and the premise of religion that, or belief system that there's a higher power

01:54:30.420 is, is very kind of, it's like that structurally, you know, literally puts you in a position

01:54:40.580 of, of humbleness.

01:54:42.840 You know what I mean?

01:54:43.340 Because you're working with, alongside somebody else or for somebody else.

01:54:46.580 Yeah.

01:54:47.100 Yeah.

01:54:47.660 Oh, I'm so grateful that there's something else out there that I can believe.

01:54:50.980 Because, yeah, I think I like rejected the world so much that I was in growing up that

01:54:56.900 I wasn't going to take direction from anybody in it, probably, you know, I hated my environment

01:55:03.320 so much.

01:55:04.220 I despised, like, I mean, I despised my fucking environment, you know, it just, I mean, it,

01:55:12.260 everything about it fucking hurt me.

01:55:13.880 I felt like, right?

01:55:15.020 That's how I felt anyway.

01:55:16.640 Yeah.

01:55:16.880 And so the, no one in the world of human, probably would I ever really believe in, right?

01:55:26.360 So you almost need this other, this, this, uh, satellite to beam through this other entity

01:55:35.460 to help me get adjusted to trust the world again.

01:55:41.180 And so that's why I'm, man, cause for me, and everybody can have their own thoughts.

01:55:46.160 I don't, but for me, I'm just.

01:55:47.860 As long as they're the same as mine, I'm fine with it.

01:55:51.740 But for me, man, I'm so, cause I wouldn't have believed if you'd have said, hey, listen

01:55:54.740 to this guy.

01:55:55.460 I don't know if I would have done that, but you give me a, a, a, a hype of an invisible

01:55:59.420 being, right?

01:56:00.780 Yeah.

01:56:01.040 Visually invisible, you know, and it's just, and there's just enough malleability in there

01:56:07.940 for me to say, okay, I'm well, I'm willing to try this.

01:56:12.760 And then it opens up more of a door for me of like, um, of connection.

01:56:17.000 Does that make any sense?

01:56:17.940 Yes.

01:56:18.280 I think also like even saying, I, I, I think, you know, the whole agnostic, I don't know

01:56:27.960 is that's, that's just where you gotta be.

01:56:32.400 You know what I mean?

01:56:33.160 It's like, it's like, I don't, you know, I think that human beings are so arrogant and

01:56:41.980 the assumption that like every generation has thought that they've had it figured out

01:56:47.140 and every generation has been wrong.

01:56:50.500 Do you know what I mean?

01:56:51.160 Like even, you know, so it's like, if we can't be like, we don't know.

01:56:57.960 So then we're really kind of starting from a bad position.

01:57:04.600 So yeah, dude, I don't know if how do you think you'd have been like a good, like, if

01:57:07.920 you go back to those times, you go on a date, like, would you have been like a good settler?

01:57:11.780 You think, where would you have best done in history?

01:57:13.960 Where would you have best been?

01:57:15.200 Yeah.

01:57:15.620 Gosh.

01:57:17.120 I sometimes think about like my immigrant ancestors.

01:57:20.820 Cause you know, my, I did that finding your roots show.

01:57:25.220 I haven't seen that.

01:57:26.120 So, uh, that's where they, they kind of, they do your ancestors.

01:57:30.260 Oh, you did that?

01:57:31.180 Yeah.

01:57:31.340 Where they take you to the library?

01:57:32.860 Well, no, mine was, uh, uh, where they kind of like tracked my mother's side and my father's

01:57:39.600 side.

01:57:40.720 And did you have to go meet someone at a mall or anything?

01:57:43.420 No, no, I didn't.

01:57:45.140 This was, uh, but like, so my grandfather made dentures and I remember thinking, oh, I made

01:57:55.360 dentures.

01:57:56.340 That's interesting.

01:57:57.740 You know, like dental stuff.

01:58:00.140 And, but what I learned through that show is that my grandfather broke this cycle of working

01:58:08.500 in the coal mine that had existed for generations.

01:58:13.900 And so I think of like my ancestors that came over from Ireland, you know, and just like,

01:58:22.740 that was, that was rough.

01:58:26.200 And you know, like there's an ancestor that was framed for murder.

01:58:30.060 Oh, and how would you even prove you didn't do it back then?

01:58:32.720 Like you did.

01:58:33.380 Well, by the way, I think cause he was, uh, they, uh, you know, it was kind of theorized

01:58:39.740 that he was, uh, um, kind of like there was this anti-immigrant stuff going on and being

01:58:46.460 an Irish immigrant that he was part of the Molly Maguires.

01:58:50.600 And so they framed him and then they kind of, he got pardoned by the governor and they

01:58:57.460 don't know, you know, like they never explained why he was pardoned.

01:59:00.760 You know, was he pardoned because he was innocent?

01:59:03.200 Was he pardoned because he was crooked because he was crooked, you know?

01:59:08.160 And so, but like, yeah, so like a different era, I feel like I'm so pale that, you know,

01:59:15.540 like I need sunscreen, you know, even by a computer, huh?

01:59:19.400 Yeah.

01:59:19.980 Open in the fridge.

01:59:21.200 Oh, so I, yeah, that's gotta be the saddest dude.

01:59:24.640 If you're real pale, because then if you open the fridge, everybody sees you too.

01:59:28.460 Yeah.

01:59:29.480 And if you're like bigger and pale.

01:59:31.160 And so, no, but like, I mean, it's not sad.

01:59:33.560 It's beautiful, but it's like, what era would you be in?

01:59:39.320 I don't know.

01:59:40.020 The future seems way sketch, you know, it's just, I feel like going to be people like you

01:59:44.720 drive up to a machine that feeds you and then you come into it.

01:59:47.900 Yeah.

01:59:48.700 It would, but it has to be in the past.

01:59:51.620 Civil war could have been interesting, right?

01:59:54.320 And if you would have been like a referee, I think.

01:59:57.340 Yeah.

01:59:57.580 I mean, civil war, but like people were just, so many people were killed.

02:00:02.080 Like the, the equipment, like the, the weapons.

02:00:07.480 Were so, yeah.

02:00:08.640 Like the, and it's like, you got shot.

02:00:11.400 But they just chop off your leg.

02:00:13.540 You know what I mean?

02:00:14.160 Yeah.

02:00:14.400 They didn't even have to be shot in the leg.

02:00:16.120 They just chop.

02:00:16.740 Yeah.

02:00:18.420 Yeah.

02:00:18.780 They had some of their tech.

02:00:20.480 Yeah.

02:00:20.680 A lot of their technical skills were way limited at seeing.

02:00:23.740 Yeah.

02:00:24.160 Dude.

02:00:25.000 Whereas I think like.

02:00:26.640 Like if some people, even if they had just had like down syndrome, they'd be like, oh,

02:00:29.200 he got shot by someone.

02:00:30.340 Like, no, this guy.

02:00:31.820 He's fine.

02:00:32.960 Yeah.

02:00:33.200 He's fine.

02:00:34.400 He's just over here raking leaves.

02:00:36.600 Let this guy lose, man.

02:00:37.400 Leave him alone.

02:00:38.000 I think there was a lot of stuff like that.

02:00:41.720 Yeah.

02:00:41.860 Like, but I don't know, maybe, but then I don't know.

02:00:44.100 You're right.

02:00:44.380 People smelled so bad.

02:00:46.080 I don't know if I would want to be a pilgrim.

02:00:47.800 Cause you're like, well, we're almost there and everybody's dying.

02:00:50.280 And then you get there.

02:00:50.880 You have nothing to do.

02:00:51.900 There's nobody even waiting when you get there.

02:00:54.740 I do think that the South is really fascinating.

02:00:58.880 I know you're, you know, Louisiana.

02:01:01.040 Oh yeah.

02:01:01.600 It is fascinating.

02:01:02.160 It's cause there's a civility there that, you know, y'all and yes, ma'am.

02:01:11.500 Yes, sir.

02:01:13.080 It's that is so different from the Midwest where I'm from, but it's, it, there's a civility there.

02:01:25.820 And an authentic kindness that is kind of unique, you know, it's kind of this remnants of the British thing with like the sweet tea versus the British drinking tea.

02:01:42.260 Yeah.

02:01:42.340 There's kind of an old traditionalism there that really comes through.

02:01:44.760 I mean, there's also tons of racism.

02:01:46.900 Oh yeah.

02:01:47.140 I mean, if you get it, it's a real, it's a little slave.

02:01:49.280 You get into Mississippi, it's a little slavey, you know?

02:01:51.520 Um, but that, that, that kindness is fascinating.

02:01:54.660 Yeah.

02:01:54.980 Right.

02:01:55.520 Yeah.

02:01:55.840 That's the crazy part about the South.

02:01:57.260 It had this, like, it also, it had like two whole different ends of the spectrum, you know?

02:02:02.440 It was like, be a gentleman, be polite.

02:02:04.260 Yeah.

02:02:04.500 Yeah.

02:02:05.200 But if you're black, you're not allowed to come in.

02:02:07.720 Yeah.

02:02:07.960 Yeah.

02:02:09.780 So they had, I mean, that was just unreal.

02:02:12.380 I can't even imagine that people went through all those times.

02:02:15.040 It's really crazy to think that as humans, where we sit today, it's, it's like, it's pretty unreal.

02:02:22.000 And how quickly we fucking got to the place where we're just sitting here, you know, um, masturbating into a phone.

02:02:29.320 Right.

02:02:29.920 Well, also like the, so we look at the bigotry or the bias of the past.

02:02:35.940 What biases exist today that are the equivalent to, you know, women couldn't vote until 1920, you know, uh, really African Americans couldn't freely vote until the sixties.

02:02:56.340 And so like, it's like, what, what kind of, it's not like we're done, you know what I mean?

02:03:02.680 Like there's some biases that exist today that we are kind of unaware of.

02:03:09.520 We're like, what's wrong with that?

02:03:10.740 You know what I mean?

02:03:11.540 Like, there's nothing wrong.

02:03:13.220 Like even like people, like, I think when I started standup, people used to do midget jokes and they used to always drive me crazy.

02:03:19.860 Yeah.

02:03:20.480 And, um, and people don't really do that anymore.

02:03:23.840 But like, I'm sure I do jokes where people were like in 40 years, people were going to be like, that hateful Jim Gaffigan.

02:03:30.640 Yeah.

02:03:30.960 Look at this hate monger.

02:03:32.500 Look at this.

02:03:33.100 Like he would talk about beef.

02:03:35.500 Jim Crow, Jaffigan.

02:03:37.500 He would talk about meat.

02:03:39.520 Like they ate meat back then.

02:03:41.660 Like we're going to realize like the, you know, like we're become, we'll be all become Hindu.

02:03:46.400 And like, you know, the cows are these sacred beings.

02:03:50.360 Dude, if we all become Hindu, then your material is hate speech.

02:03:53.580 It's hate speech.

02:03:54.880 Bacon?

02:03:55.860 Bacon.

02:03:56.400 Who are you?

02:03:57.000 Just like, what's going on?

02:03:58.760 You're the Stephen King of a menu at that point.

02:04:00.780 You know, like to Muslims and Jewish people.

02:04:04.060 It's like, I'm glorifying this sinful thing.

02:04:08.240 You know, it's so weird.

02:04:10.620 Dude, that's so true.

02:04:11.820 Depending upon how the future looks at things.

02:04:16.160 Yeah.

02:04:16.340 Or how they even choose to look at things as like writers of articles and this and that.

02:04:20.680 You could be vilified.

02:04:22.320 Well, I mean, I think even the Roseanne thing that happened on your podcast is, I mean, maybe I'm just kind of opening my eyes a little bit to it.

02:04:33.120 But like, it literally took me two seconds.

02:04:36.140 So I saw she was trending, saw what she said, then I watched the clip and I was like, obviously she was joking.

02:04:44.500 She was being sarcastic.

02:04:46.740 Why didn't?

02:04:48.480 And I don't even know.

02:04:49.680 That's all I know.

02:04:50.820 Like, I didn't talk to anyone else about it.

02:04:52.980 Does it still exist as an issue?

02:04:56.400 No.

02:04:57.440 No.

02:04:57.900 It's gone away.

02:04:58.960 It was just, yeah, it was just crazy.

02:05:00.860 They just like, they took our episode down and they said that we, they gave us like a strike on our channel because they have like.

02:05:06.400 Wow.

02:05:07.140 Like.

02:05:07.640 But they retracted it, right?

02:05:09.400 They didn't.

02:05:09.980 But they have their policies and we couldn't post for like a week.

02:05:13.320 So those, you know, that's YouTube and their policies.

02:05:15.720 They deemed it like hate speech and that's their, that's their rules, right?

02:05:20.820 And so that's, you know, I'm grateful to YouTube because I get to have this, this platform.

02:05:25.240 At the same time, I, I don't, uh, you know, I disagree with them.

02:05:29.120 But I think that anyone that, uh, and, and, you know, that's where it's like, you know, any individual who works at YouTube would probably,

02:05:39.720 as an individual, see that what, you know, Roseanne, a legendary comedian, and what she was saying was, and I think she's Jewish,

02:05:51.820 would not view that as what some anti-Semitic person would say.

02:06:00.520 Do you know what I mean?

02:06:01.340 Oh, yeah.

02:06:02.320 Yeah, totally.

02:06:03.640 I mean, it was, it definitely was interesting though.

02:06:05.960 I got him some, some rabbi emailed me and invited me to some summer camp or something.

02:06:10.680 And, uh, but it was like $1,100.

02:06:12.900 I'm not going on that.

02:06:13.920 And then of course the Holocaust happened.

02:06:16.820 Like who would ever, you know, every third book at the airport is about it.

02:06:21.400 How, you know what I'm saying?

02:06:22.360 Of course it happened.

02:06:23.780 Well, I think it's also, uh, you know, not to excuse the overreaction, but I actually do think that

02:06:31.900 there is, um, uh, uh, uh, an almost normalizing of anti-Semitic speech.

02:06:41.240 And I also think that, and I'm not saying, cause it's different when it's Roseanne Barr

02:06:46.840 and, uh, and like someone who is just a flat out anti-Semite or like speaking in anti-Semitic tropes.

02:06:57.440 It's, it's like, I do think it's, you know, there's no comparing what, uh, Roseanne said

02:07:06.340 to what these other people were doing.

02:07:08.620 Right.

02:07:08.840 If there's like a real hateful person.

02:07:10.960 Yeah.

02:07:11.560 I mean, and by the way, I think anti-Semitism is like, I mean, look, we, you know, most comedians,

02:07:18.520 like I'll have, I don't know what percentage of comedians are Jewish, but it's like all our

02:07:23.900 friends are Jewish and it's like, you can't, you know, you, you, you, you, you know, standard

02:07:30.820 comedy is a Jewish American art form that like is, you know, so many of the great comedians

02:07:38.100 were Jewish.

02:07:38.840 So it's like you have, you end up being educated on anti-Semitism and you can't do a spot at

02:07:45.240 the cellar without hearing three comedians do jokes about the Jewish American experience

02:07:50.580 and anti-Semitism.

02:07:51.900 You know what I mean?

02:07:52.420 It's like, yeah, I think it's, yeah, I, I wish I had a, like, I can't tell if people

02:08:01.840 bringing light to that creates, makes things better or worse in that space.

02:08:11.180 Right.

02:08:11.660 You know, cause no one said anything about it.

02:08:13.780 Like, you know, a million people had watched the video.

02:08:15.760 There wasn't even a comment about it on YouTube.

02:08:17.420 And then somebody makes a clip and purposely like, is like, Hey, look at this.

02:08:22.480 Right.

02:08:22.780 And this is the view of it.

02:08:25.140 I, you know, you don't want to create like a boy who cried wolf situation either.

02:08:29.240 And so that's, you know, especially when it's something as important as like, um, as people

02:08:34.880 being hateful, you know, it's like, you don't, that's, so some of that is where some of my

02:08:39.720 fear comes in.

02:08:41.040 And like, let's, yeah, we don't want people to become numb to it.

02:08:44.860 Right.

02:08:45.640 Right.

02:08:46.200 So, but then also, you know, everybody has their, their, their different thoughts on it.

02:08:50.840 And, and I respect different people's thoughts on it.

02:08:53.000 You know, I respect that people come from different places and, and I respect different

02:08:57.440 people's thoughts on it.

02:08:58.580 Um, but yeah, um, dude, I have a problem with how we, with that.

02:09:04.440 We keep putting Joe Biden out there.

02:09:06.700 I feel like as a nation, it makes us look like, Oh, this is how, and that we pretend

02:09:12.740 everything is okay.

02:09:14.020 Like, doesn't that seem weird to you?

02:09:16.000 Yeah.

02:09:16.260 Well, I mean, I'm somebody like, I think that if Trump wasn't there, or maybe I'm just imagining

02:09:25.760 this.

02:09:26.140 I think if Trump wasn't there, Biden would be like, I'm done.

02:09:29.800 Thanks everyone.

02:09:30.960 You know what I mean?

02:09:32.120 I wanted to be like, good night.

02:09:33.900 Do you know what I mean?

02:09:35.320 Like, I think that.

02:09:37.120 He might put on some long johns and just shut it down.

02:09:39.180 No, he'd be like, I'm exhausted.

02:09:41.760 I'm exhausted.

02:09:43.560 I want to go and hang out, uh, with my wife.

02:09:47.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:09:47.940 You know what I mean?

02:09:48.760 And, uh, and hang out with Barack.

02:09:52.420 I don't want to do this anymore, but like.

02:09:55.460 Yeah, I want to eat ice cream with the former press.

02:09:58.240 I want, Baracky Road, dude.

02:09:59.840 He's got to come out with that.

02:10:00.500 But like, yeah, I think, you know, there's a difference between.

02:10:03.880 I mean, like the people that don't want to, that again, I think ego gets in the way of

02:10:11.660 like the greater good.

02:10:13.260 Yeah.

02:10:13.800 And I don't, but I don't know.

02:10:15.880 Maybe he is like, uh, you know, I'm great, but I think it's fast.

02:10:20.560 I'm trying to write this thing all about how, I mean, I saw Harrison Ford in, um, that Raiders

02:10:31.340 or whatever.

02:10:31.860 Yeah.

02:10:32.460 He's 80.

02:10:33.380 It was great.

02:10:34.020 It was an action movie.

02:10:36.300 And it's like, you know, 80 for Brady.

02:10:41.980 It's like, they're all 80.

02:10:44.200 Yeah.

02:10:45.060 It's a good point.

02:10:46.080 And so.

02:10:46.700 Yeah.

02:10:46.800 You want people to have long career.

02:10:48.440 Yeah.

02:10:48.640 I'm look, but I just feel like if we embrace, like if maybe the media was like, this is

02:10:54.560 our guy, he's going to say some shit, you know, instead of, I feel like we put this, like

02:10:59.020 people try to pretend that it's, that he's not getting unwell.

02:11:03.300 That's the part to me that it doesn't look weird to other people.

02:11:06.560 If it's like, this is how we treat our senior citizens, you know, like as America, how we

02:11:10.780 treat, I mean, I think it's like, I thought your point would be more like, everything's

02:11:15.160 fine.

02:11:15.380 Like we living in a state of denial.

02:11:17.660 But I also felt that like during the entire pandemic, when Trump would do his daily newscast

02:11:25.560 that we were all like, yeah, it'll be fine.

02:11:28.160 It'll be fine.

02:11:28.960 It's like this guy is, do you know what I mean?

02:11:32.200 It's like, and we've all had bad bosses.

02:11:34.600 Yeah.

02:11:35.120 Do you know what I mean?

02:11:35.980 It's like, but I also feel, I don't know.

02:11:39.920 It's weird.

02:11:40.660 I, you know, I really do think that if, if there was, if, if, if Trump was not a possibility,

02:11:50.040 I think Biden'd be like, see you later.

02:11:52.860 He'd be like, I did my thing.

02:11:55.340 I'm going to be in the history books.

02:11:56.980 Goodbye, everyone.

02:12:00.280 Right.

02:12:01.440 Michigan J frog.

02:12:03.240 Yeah.

02:12:03.500 It's a, it's a good point.

02:12:05.020 I hadn't thought about that.

02:12:05.980 Maybe it's just more of like a defense.

02:12:08.500 Um, but yeah, politics has just gotten so strange.

02:12:11.580 It used to be so different.

02:12:12.680 Didn't it?

02:12:13.120 It felt like we were all behind a leader.

02:12:14.840 Didn't it feel like that?

02:12:15.840 I feel like it.

02:12:17.080 I mean, I used to, it was so strange because I grew up in this small town.

02:12:23.920 Indiana is a very red state.

02:12:25.860 And, uh, I lived in Manhattan.

02:12:29.320 I live in Manhattan and that's very blue.

02:12:32.560 And in the entertainment industry, it's very liberal and comedians are very contrarian.

02:12:40.960 Um, and so I loved, I relish having friends of different opinions.

02:12:49.020 Like at the 4th of July, I had a friend there who was a big kind of conservative, like, um, you know, he's, you know, he's all in on DeSantis.

02:13:00.320 And then I had a friend there that was, you know, that wouldn't vote for, you know, vote for Hillary.

02:13:10.160 You know what I mean?

02:13:10.860 And, uh, so left, like Occupy Wall Street left.

02:13:14.460 And so it's like, I like that diversity of opinion, but, and I, and I feel like people that come to my shows, um, you know, like even in, uh, the dark pale thing, I have this, this material on global warming.

02:13:30.840 And, you know, when I performed it around the country, there'd be some people that are like, all right, global warming, maybe.

02:13:38.560 You know what I mean?

02:13:39.320 Whereas, like, they're going, they're giving me the, they're like, all right, I don't know if I buy the premise, but I'll listen to the jokes.

02:13:49.880 And so, uh, I liked that, uh, they're open to that, but, um, there is also, I don't know, it's weird.

02:14:02.560 I know I'm kind of rambling.

02:14:04.060 No, it's okay.

02:14:05.020 And we can even take that part out if we felt like it was too rambly, if we, for both of us, kind of.

02:14:09.320 You know, um, let's take a little bit of news and then we'll get you out of here, Jim.

02:14:13.500 Sure.

02:14:14.000 Because your special is coming out in a few days and the name of it is?

02:14:17.920 Dark pale.

02:14:18.740 Dark pale.

02:14:19.480 Ooh.

02:14:19.880 Yes.

02:14:20.920 Dark pale.

02:14:22.180 That would be your native, that would be your Indian name, huh?

02:14:24.700 Dark pale.

02:14:25.660 Dark pale.

02:14:26.380 Dark pale.

02:14:26.840 So, uh, yeah.

02:14:29.100 So it's, uh, I, you know, it's kind of, I wanted to go a little bit, you know, I think comedians,

02:14:36.020 uh, you know, our onstage personas are a little bit more accessible and that maybe, you know,

02:14:43.580 like what makes comedians laugh when we hang out is usually darker than what's on stage.

02:14:50.940 And so it's kind of opening some of that up and also talking.

02:14:57.480 And I think that over the past five years, we've gone through so much darkness, you know,

02:15:02.960 we've all lost someone, lost some people, you know what I mean?

02:15:07.360 And, um, so there's a little dose of nihilism that I think.

02:15:13.160 We need.

02:15:13.900 I think we need, right?

02:15:15.420 Yeah.

02:15:16.220 You know what I mean?

02:15:16.560 Well, some people think we need a war.

02:15:18.720 Really?

02:15:19.500 Yeah.

02:15:20.880 Oh, that's so interesting.

02:15:22.520 Where'd you hear that?

02:15:24.020 Everywhere.

02:15:26.220 We need a war.

02:15:28.040 Because they think it would put people back on the same side if we had a common enemy.

02:15:34.340 Wow.

02:15:38.260 That's interesting because there is part of like, what's going to get us together.

02:15:43.900 And I hope it's-

02:15:44.900 As soon as somebody says, hey, it's us against them, it's like, all right, let's do this,

02:15:48.500 you know?

02:15:50.180 Yeah.

02:15:50.620 I think that, I don't know.

02:15:53.600 I'm just interested.

02:15:54.540 I think, I think coming from this split background of, you know, I, you know, I have real resentment

02:16:04.720 when people talk about the middle of the country or flyover states.

02:16:08.780 Yeah, me too.

02:16:09.360 It's like, I think that, that has to be shamed for the stupidity that it is.

02:16:17.500 Because, you know, again, we were talking about the, it's not like you're not going to get a great meal.

02:16:26.340 You know what I mean?

02:16:26.640 Like there's this, there's this, this dismissive stereotype and you'd think it would shrink with

02:16:34.020 the internet, but I feel like it's almost kind of grown where people are just, I always think

02:16:39.620 it's so weird when I do, I'll do like a podcast or I'll be interviewed and someone will be like,

02:16:45.880 so is it different doing material in different parts of the country?

02:16:49.640 I'm like, not really.

02:16:51.300 Do you know what I mean?

02:16:51.980 It's like, it's not really that different.

02:16:55.340 Uh-uh.

02:16:56.120 Do you know what I mean?

02:16:56.640 It's not like people don't have every piece of technology or every form of entertainment

02:17:03.360 everywhere.

02:17:05.340 Culturally, we're very, it's, and by the way, the world is like that.

02:17:11.240 It's like, if anything, culture is disappearing.

02:17:13.800 So that's not to say that there aren't different viewpoints on things.

02:17:18.460 Uh, I don't mean to contradict myself earlier, but like, it's not like there's a real huge

02:17:25.560 difference on.

02:17:27.840 Right.

02:17:28.200 Like from here to there.

02:17:29.440 Yeah.

02:17:29.940 Right.

02:17:30.460 You know.

02:17:30.980 But I guess, I mean, there's some, like, I know whenever I've been in like Illinois and

02:17:35.140 certain places out there, rural areas, they don't even have 5G on their phone.

02:17:39.820 So it's like, if they want, it's like more of a, they have to be at home and be on their

02:17:44.520 Wi-Fi to really be milling on their phones as much, you know?

02:17:48.820 Oh, really?

02:17:49.540 Um, like some of my friends that work in like farming communities and stuff like that.

02:17:52.700 So I think in some areas, there's probably a little bit less consumption.

02:17:57.820 Oh yeah.

02:17:58.140 No, we're, we, uh, we have a place that we got, uh, after the pandemic and if I'm outside

02:18:06.740 working in my garden, I have no service whatsoever.

02:18:10.780 Yeah.

02:18:11.400 Like there's just, it's just a no man land for, uh, cell service.

02:18:17.620 So like my wife literally has to open the door.

02:18:19.860 Like it's 1943.

02:18:21.560 Jim.

02:18:22.100 Jim.

02:18:23.580 Get in here.

02:18:24.700 Your kids are doing this.

02:18:26.220 And I'll waddle over.

02:18:28.340 Yeah.

02:18:28.680 What do they do?

02:18:29.160 With my basket of my harvest.

02:18:31.940 Yeah.

02:18:32.380 I love my garden.

02:18:33.500 Do you garden at all?

02:18:34.580 I don't garden, man.

02:18:35.880 I would like to have it.

02:18:36.740 Someday I will.

02:18:37.820 Once I quit touring a little bit after next year.

02:18:40.640 What do you like to grow in your garden?

02:18:42.700 I, I love to grow just about everything, but like, I'm jealous of like, so Louisiana, I could

02:18:49.420 probably grow peanuts down there.

02:18:51.780 Oh yeah.

02:18:52.160 I could, you know, I, uh, I don't have that long of a season.

02:18:57.200 So like there's some things that I can't grow that, and some of it is, it is so interesting

02:19:04.980 to grow things.

02:19:05.980 Could you grow wheat?

02:19:07.360 I could grow wheat.

02:19:08.700 I grow corn.

02:19:10.180 I grow cucumbers.

02:19:11.880 I grow, uh, pumpkins, peppers, but like even peppers, it's like, it's, you know, you know,

02:19:19.800 north, it's not that long of a season.

02:19:20.820 Yeah, nobody wants a northern pepper.

02:19:22.680 No.

02:19:23.200 Well, it's just like.

02:19:23.860 I don't even believe it when it walks in.

02:19:24.980 But like, it's, you know, you don't, it takes, it's, you gotta wait.

02:19:28.780 You need some real hot weather.

02:19:31.440 You need some harshness.

02:19:32.440 You need some fucking pain in the, in the fucking soil for a pepper.

02:19:35.940 You'd be like, all right, motherfucker.

02:19:37.700 Yeah.

02:19:38.080 I've got this shit.

02:19:39.300 Right.

02:19:39.740 You know, that's the kind of pepper you want, dog.

02:19:41.440 Yeah, you want a pepper.

02:19:41.980 Like, damn, dog, I just got out.

02:19:43.720 Yeah.

02:19:43.880 You want some, you know, peppers are the best.

02:19:46.880 God, they're so good, huh?

02:19:48.300 Right.

02:19:49.040 Whoever had them first was such a fucking weirdo, but they were, they are good.

02:19:52.860 Oh, they're amazing.

02:19:54.040 Mmm.

02:19:54.680 What do I love putting in my mouth?

02:19:56.460 I'm trying to think.

02:19:57.860 Oh, dude, when I had those, you know, a lot of Asian people will fry up a little cut of

02:20:05.820 yam.

02:20:06.280 Have you ever had that?

02:20:07.060 No.

02:20:07.680 My God.

02:20:08.680 Is it good?

02:20:10.160 Yeah.

02:20:10.820 So wait a minute, Louisiana, you like okra?

02:20:13.540 Yeah, I didn't mind it, dude.

02:20:14.980 But then people start frying it and it takes, dude, it starts to look like.

02:20:18.520 It's been giving a blow job to somebody.

02:20:20.580 It gets real, uh, viscous.

02:20:23.980 Yeah.

02:20:24.820 Yeah.

02:20:25.240 No, it's, I like it in a gumbo, but otherwise I'm like, I'm like, I don't know about okra.

02:20:31.040 Yeah.

02:20:31.180 When you lift up a spoonful of it, it has like a trail that goes back to the stuff and you're

02:20:35.260 like, whoa, this thing's been doing BJ's, you know?

02:20:38.840 Yeah.

02:20:39.200 It's slimy.

02:20:40.800 Yeah.

02:20:41.040 It's real slimy.

02:20:42.080 Yeah.

02:20:42.340 So I don't mind, but what else do I like, man?

02:20:44.620 I like broccoli plain.

02:20:46.860 You know, my taste buds changed over the years.

02:20:48.640 I just started liking tiramisu, to be honest with you.

02:20:51.300 Oh, really?

02:20:51.960 Yeah.

02:20:52.300 You are a dessert guy.

02:20:53.900 God, I fucking want it, boy.

02:20:55.520 When it's nighttime, motherfucker.

02:20:57.440 Yeah.

02:20:58.220 I will get up in the middle of the night.

02:20:59.460 So you like sweets more than chocolate.

02:21:01.040 Well, it keeps me off of vaping, I notice.

02:21:03.980 If I can get a sugar in me, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and put some peanut

02:21:07.720 butter on my tongue and go back to sleep.

02:21:09.540 Oh my God, peanut butter.

02:21:10.240 I want to grow peanuts.

02:21:12.120 I think peanuts.

02:21:13.160 What if you could do it?

02:21:14.160 Jim Gaffigan's peanut butter.

02:21:15.480 Oh my God, I would love to do it, but peanuts, I haven't even watched a video of this, but

02:21:22.260 I think the peanut plant grows and then the flowers drop into the ground and they become

02:21:30.180 the peanuts.

02:21:31.460 It's beautiful.

02:21:33.060 It's so crazy.

02:21:34.520 I'm growing potatoes.

02:21:35.920 Oh yeah, I can see that.

02:21:37.140 I'm very excited about that.

02:21:38.820 Carrots are fun to grow.

02:21:40.340 Yeah, carrots are fun to grow.

02:21:41.620 You're going to cut all this out of the podcast because it's so boring probably.

02:21:45.000 It's the best part, I think.

02:21:47.300 What else would I like to have?

02:21:48.780 Onions, garlic.

02:21:49.940 I love garlic.

02:21:50.760 Garlic is probably one of the best.

02:21:53.720 Garlic is good.

02:21:54.860 It just feels so, it looks like something's wrong with it.

02:22:00.040 Oh, it looks alien.

02:22:01.520 Yeah.

02:22:01.900 It looks a little alien.

02:22:03.940 I do like seeing, I like watermelons.

02:22:08.320 Oh, watermelons are fun.

02:22:09.460 That would be great to grow in the South.

02:22:12.180 Yeah.

02:22:12.500 Because watermelons and pumpkins and squash, you turn your back, you look back, it's like

02:22:20.660 they've grown a foot.

02:22:21.640 Yeah.

02:22:21.980 It's crazy.

02:22:23.120 How big is your garden square feet?

02:22:24.840 Are we talking?

02:22:25.580 It's not that big.

02:22:27.080 I have two.

02:22:27.840 I built one that when we got the place, it was kind of already there.

02:22:35.300 And then, here, let me see what I got here.

02:22:43.200 Oh, there's a picture of you right there in some garden that looks like.

02:22:45.860 No, this is a hike.

02:22:47.540 But this is my garden right now.

02:22:50.020 Those are the raised beds.

02:22:51.600 Oh, yeah.

02:22:52.040 See that?

02:22:52.500 Oh, wow, Jim.

02:22:53.720 This is beautiful.

02:22:54.900 Yeah.

02:22:56.240 Dude.

02:22:56.480 But I have this, it's, my wife calls it the English garden, and then that's, oh, that's

02:23:01.480 my Irish garden.

02:23:03.260 And so, the Irish garden was, there was kind of this field that I kind of converted.

02:23:11.160 Now, this is what, see that field up there?

02:23:13.760 Mm-hmm.

02:23:14.120 This is what that field looks like now.

02:23:16.980 So, it's.

02:23:18.520 Oh, that's great, man.

02:23:19.700 And these are both on the same property?

02:23:21.040 Yeah.

02:23:21.360 Yeah, and one does look more Irish.

02:23:24.000 Yeah, right?

02:23:25.140 This one looks more like it could have a headstone in part of it.

02:23:27.080 Yeah.

02:23:27.880 And so, but this is, you know how, like, you waste time, I don't know if you waste time

02:23:32.500 on Instagram.

02:23:33.800 So, like, on scrolling and all that.

02:23:36.760 Oh, yeah, on TikTok a lot.

02:23:37.780 I scroll on Instagram on stories, but I'm just watching people harvesting garden stuff.

02:23:45.360 Oh, wow.

02:23:45.400 That's beautiful.

02:23:46.760 Now, there's something romantic about that, I think.

02:23:48.940 Yeah.

02:23:49.560 You know?

02:23:49.960 Get out there in the dirt, grow something.

02:23:52.980 Oh, yeah.

02:23:53.340 My grandmother used to make us put these nets over her strawberries so the crows didn't

02:23:57.560 get them.

02:23:58.000 Oh, yeah.

02:23:58.840 You know, she lived out in Illinois, in rural Illinois, and they had a rain barrel out there,

02:24:02.860 and they would collect rain.

02:24:04.420 Yeah.

02:24:04.780 Did she have any paint, did she ever paint rocks to look like strawberries to trick?

02:24:10.700 Yeah.

02:24:11.540 To trick the crows?

02:24:12.920 Yeah.

02:24:13.180 Dude, I never realized that's why she did that, but she would always have these painted

02:24:16.740 rocks.

02:24:17.380 Yeah.

02:24:17.680 So, the birds would come down, they'd peck at the rock, and then they'd be like, forget

02:24:21.600 it, and they'd leave.

02:24:23.460 Oh.

02:24:23.860 Oh, that's insane.

02:24:25.140 That's both the bird and the human that do that are freaking wild.

02:24:30.600 And that's-

02:24:31.180 That'd be crazy.

02:24:31.920 That'd be like, what if you put a stone woman outside, you know, and some rapist runs up?

02:24:35.880 The scarecrow, right?

02:24:37.300 Oh, yeah.

02:24:37.340 The scarecrow is supposed to scare.

02:24:38.960 Or, it's pretty crazy how there's all these things to trick the animals, to trick the animals

02:24:47.880 and also, and then there's companion planting, which is fun, but I just-

02:24:52.700 And what is that?

02:24:53.320 Plants need friends?

02:24:54.140 Kind of, you know, plants need friends?

02:24:56.820 Oh, well, some people talk to their plants.

02:24:58.780 Yeah, I've seen that before.

02:24:59.740 And, but a companion plant is like planting something nearby that either will help with

02:25:11.980 nutrients or will deter pests.

02:25:17.100 So, for instance, onions or certain pests don't like the smell of it, and then, you know,

02:25:27.380 you grow like cilantro is, will deter things, and, you know, basil.

02:25:36.500 Oh, yeah.

02:25:37.220 I like having some basil, huh?

02:25:38.720 Basil's amazing.

02:25:39.920 A lot of women who are having a tough time grow basil, I feel like.

02:25:44.960 Well, it's, you know, it'll bolt.

02:25:46.860 It's like you got a, you got a succession plant.

02:25:49.680 None of this is going to end up in the episode.

02:25:52.300 Oh, I think it's interesting.

02:25:53.680 Let's get into a couple news things, and we'll get you out of here, Jim.

02:25:55.940 What happened in the news?

02:25:56.880 Anything, Zach?

02:25:58.160 What happened?

02:25:58.820 There's a video going around.

02:26:00.140 I guess a mayor in Mexico married an alligator.

02:26:03.800 Mm-hmm.

02:26:04.500 That's.

02:26:05.400 I guess it's a good luck thing.

02:26:07.740 But this is real.

02:26:11.280 No, this isn't part of some ritual.

02:26:13.840 Mm-mm.

02:26:14.080 Yeah, no.

02:26:14.760 Well, yeah.

02:26:15.600 Oh, it is part of a ritual.

02:26:17.060 Yeah.

02:26:17.380 Oh, these are.

02:26:18.100 Good luck to the town.

02:26:19.820 Yeah.

02:26:20.420 I'm not surprised.

02:26:21.380 It seems kind of.

02:26:22.000 Well, they also have his mouth shut like that.

02:26:24.920 What else we got?

02:26:26.880 Did they consummate the marriage?

02:26:29.600 Ooh.

02:26:30.740 Right?

02:26:31.200 There used to be a YouTube video of a man making love to a big chow, like a chow animal in a park on YouTube for years that they couldn't get down for some reason.

02:26:42.360 Really?

02:26:43.860 Yeah.

02:26:43.980 They couldn't get it down.

02:26:44.900 And I think it was in Santa Monica.

02:26:46.760 Oh, is this about sharks everywhere?

02:26:48.520 No.

02:26:49.320 Oh.

02:26:50.000 This video has gotten a ton of views.

02:26:51.880 I guess this woman was faking cleaning up a beach for social media and then left all the trash there after.

02:26:58.900 This has five million views and a lot of people have a problem with this.

02:27:01.580 Oh.

02:27:04.640 Oh, wow.

02:27:06.580 Yeah.

02:27:07.020 It's all just for show now.

02:27:09.800 So this girl's faking it?

02:27:11.740 Oh, and then she just left the bag there?

02:27:15.300 Not shocked.

02:27:17.100 Wow.

02:27:17.500 That's what happens, man, if people, it's just about what the look is, you know?

02:27:22.800 It's hard.

02:27:25.040 So what is that?

02:27:26.120 That is a symptom.

02:27:27.880 It's a sickness, huh?

02:27:28.500 It's, well, it's the absence of right or wrong.

02:27:36.760 I remember one time I saw a movie recently and I was with my 10-year-old and we were with a friend and my 10-year-old spilled this big bucket of popcorn.

02:27:50.500 Oh.

02:27:50.900 And I was like, I looked at it and I was like, and my friend was like, well, pick it up.

02:27:57.820 And the weird thing is, is like, I was like, I was going to pick it up, but I was like, he thought I wasn't going to pick it up.

02:28:05.080 And so I was like, but why wouldn't I pick it up?

02:28:08.880 Because I think the tendency is like someone else would do it.

02:28:13.020 Oh, yeah.

02:28:14.300 Right?

02:28:14.880 Times have changed, man.

02:28:15.900 And I noticed when the elevator stops, people get out, people will get in before you've had a chance to get out.

02:28:20.980 That never used to be the case.

02:28:23.140 Wow.

02:28:23.680 Well, here's an interesting thing that I think is happening.

02:28:27.440 Usually when I'm out and about and I used to, and I'd run into somebody and they'd be like, hey, nice to meet you.

02:28:34.540 We'd have a nice conversation.

02:28:35.980 Then at the end, they used to say, hey, can I have a photo?

02:28:39.380 Or I don't want to bother you.

02:28:40.280 Can I have a photo?

02:28:41.520 Now they say you have this nice conversation.

02:28:44.160 We'd chat for a while and then they go, hey, can you call a friend of mine?

02:28:49.320 And I'm like, what do you mean?

02:28:51.180 And they're like, if you could call my nephew.

02:28:54.480 And I'm like, no.

02:28:57.160 And these are perfectly normal people.

02:29:00.900 And I'll be like, no, I'm not going to do that.

02:29:04.800 You're calling your friend?

02:29:06.460 I just want people to know how cool you are.

02:29:08.520 Yeah, it's too much, dude.

02:29:09.680 And yeah, somebody the other day was like, hey, brother, this was the craziest thing I ever got.

02:29:14.460 This guy is a young Mexican guy.

02:29:18.660 And he had on a wife beater, right?

02:29:20.360 And he's like, hey, will you sign my jersey?

02:29:22.360 Right?

02:29:22.560 That's what he called it, which made me laugh, first of all.

02:29:24.680 It was really funny.

02:29:25.580 And he seemed like a funny dude.

02:29:27.120 We had a nice chat.

02:29:28.300 And then he goes, hey, homie, will you make a video for my cousin Hector, right?

02:29:32.640 And he's like, what's wrong with this?

02:29:35.120 Yeah, sure, I will.

02:29:36.120 What do you want me to say?

02:29:36.760 He's like, just say something nice, man.

02:29:38.040 He got possessed by ghosts.

02:29:39.820 That's what he said, right?

02:29:42.040 And the guy's being totally serious.

02:29:44.740 So I'm like, what do I even fucking, what do you want me to do?

02:29:48.560 Sorry, you're possessed by ghosts.

02:29:50.660 Yeah, so I was just, I was like, what do you want me to say?

02:29:52.880 He's like, just tell him we miss him, you know?

02:29:55.180 So that's what I did.

02:29:56.340 I was like, hey, Hector, homie, we miss you, dog.

02:29:58.660 But it was just like, what are we doing?

02:30:02.900 Yeah.

02:30:03.400 What's the value here, you know?

02:30:05.700 What's the value?

02:30:06.500 Like, what onions are we growing?

02:30:09.200 Right.

02:30:09.660 That's the overall question here.

02:30:11.240 You have a new TV series that's out too, right?

02:30:13.700 Yes.

02:30:14.200 Dude, you're doing a lot of acting.

02:30:15.660 Do you think that's where, are you going to start directing more?

02:30:18.020 Do you think you're going to?

02:30:18.640 No, no.

02:30:19.620 But I hope to act.

02:30:21.300 You know, I hope to act.

02:30:22.840 And I love stand up.

02:30:25.780 And since Philip Seymour Hoffman died, you could take over his stuff.

02:30:28.940 I mean, everyone keeps saying that.

02:30:31.040 Why?

02:30:32.220 It is like one of those things where part of me, when people say that, I always think that's weirdly common that people say that.

02:30:40.180 And the other part of me is like, why aren't I getting those roles?

02:30:46.460 Dude, if they did Capote 2 or something?

02:30:50.080 It is kind of funny, man.

02:30:51.460 Sometimes people's brains just fill in the other person, you know?

02:30:53.940 So, Dan, who would play you?

02:30:57.400 Oh, I don't know.

02:30:58.540 Probably.

02:31:01.480 There's this, if I die, there's this kid named Rupp.

02:31:06.880 He's like, I don't know what show he was on, but he's interesting.

02:31:10.580 DJ Rupp, bring him up.

02:31:13.960 He would play me, I think.

02:31:15.640 This kid.

02:31:22.800 But get him more, let's just see if, see any more pictures of him.

02:31:25.580 Without the dreadlocks.

02:31:26.440 What's the dreads from?

02:31:27.900 I'm not sure.

02:31:30.520 Yeah, these are old pictures of him.

02:31:32.160 But I think he would probably play me.

02:31:34.220 I think I could see him doing it.

02:31:35.860 Yeah.

02:31:36.620 I don't know who else.

02:31:37.120 Where is he from?

02:31:38.300 I'm not sure.

02:31:39.440 Probably Chris.

02:31:39.960 DJ Rupp.

02:31:40.860 Is he a DJ?

02:31:42.320 I don't know if he really is, but he's a funny dude.

02:31:46.520 This dude is really, really funny.

02:31:48.760 But I think he could probably play me.

02:31:51.140 Who would play you, you think?

02:31:52.640 Say you died, you passed away, or something happened.

02:31:54.780 Oh, if I died.

02:31:56.160 Who's the guy who...

02:31:58.040 Oh, I know who it is.

02:31:58.840 Jesse Pemberton.

02:32:00.080 Jesse Plemons.

02:32:01.140 Jesse Plemons, yeah.

02:32:02.160 He's cool.

02:32:03.260 Yeah, he's good.

02:32:04.000 Did you ever meet him?

02:32:05.560 I've never met him.

02:32:06.520 I met Phil Hoffman a couple times.

02:32:08.320 You did?

02:32:09.220 Yeah.

02:32:09.520 Did he say, hey, you look like me a little?

02:32:11.220 Well, no.

02:32:12.580 I mean, yeah, I think we both had heard it.

02:32:16.180 And I...

02:32:17.600 We improvised a movie where...

02:32:21.720 With a bunch of other people.

02:32:24.680 And they were figuring out...

02:32:28.880 It was this Bob Bell event who does these other things.

02:32:32.260 And it was a great gig.

02:32:34.140 Like, I was flown to LA to improvise this movie every day and all this.

02:32:37.880 And this was in the...

02:32:39.580 Maybe 2000s.

02:32:42.380 And...

02:32:42.700 Or maybe...

02:32:44.580 Maybe it was before that.

02:32:46.660 And so, anyway...

02:32:48.380 So, we're sitting there talking.

02:32:51.800 And so, I'm with Phil.

02:32:53.220 And I go...

02:32:54.660 I go, well, we should probably play Brothers.

02:32:57.280 And the guy's like, hmm.

02:32:58.480 I was thinking more of you guys are friends.

02:33:00.240 And I'm like, all right.

02:33:01.080 I mean, we literally look like brothers.

02:33:04.120 But, okay.

02:33:06.280 And so...

02:33:07.600 Yeah, that guy has no vision then.

02:33:09.800 No, but he's obviously...

02:33:11.500 Bob Bell event is brilliant.

02:33:13.040 But...

02:33:13.320 Oh, he's a brilliant guy?

02:33:14.300 I didn't know.

02:33:14.740 He is a brilliant guy.

02:33:15.880 And he...

02:33:16.460 But, like, he just...

02:33:17.900 That's not how we saw it.

02:33:19.320 But it was...

02:33:20.540 And we never ended up...

02:33:22.080 We improvised the script.

02:33:24.760 And then he...

02:33:25.340 Bob was gonna go away and write it.

02:33:27.320 And then after that...

02:33:29.700 Phil Hoffman, like...

02:33:31.400 Then it was Capote.

02:33:32.680 And he was...

02:33:34.040 On another level.

02:33:35.120 Yeah.

02:33:35.800 Did you ever get to spend time?

02:33:37.360 Oh, yeah.

02:33:37.980 Wow.

02:33:38.240 I could definitely see it more and more now.

02:33:40.620 Yeah.

02:33:41.200 That's crazy.

02:33:41.980 I think I'm...

02:33:43.240 How old was he?

02:33:44.760 What year was he born?

02:33:46.820 What if we were born the same day?

02:33:49.220 If we were found out that we were, like...

02:33:51.980 The...

02:33:53.360 Found out...

02:33:55.300 Found the same parents.

02:33:57.960 July 26th, 7th.

02:33:59.280 July 23rd, 1967.

02:34:00.800 I'm July 7th, 1966.

02:34:04.740 Dude, what if y'all are the same person?

02:34:08.180 Isn't that crazy?

02:34:09.400 Yeah.

02:34:10.020 Oh, he's from the West Village.

02:34:11.820 No.

02:34:12.140 Well, he was from...

02:34:13.300 Oh, he died in the West Village.

02:34:14.700 Yeah.

02:34:15.420 I think he's from Rochester.

02:34:17.200 Fairport, New York.

02:34:18.160 Wow.

02:34:18.820 Where?

02:34:19.580 Fairport, New York.

02:34:20.380 Did you ever spend time with Robin Williams?

02:34:24.160 I met him a couple times, yeah.

02:34:26.060 Was he, like, one of the biggest...

02:34:27.620 When you met him, was he just, like, he was on another level?

02:34:29.960 Was it...

02:34:30.440 He was the nicest, sweetest guy.

02:34:34.960 Like, I met him at...

02:34:36.760 He did Bob Goldthwait's movie, and he was this really sweet...

02:34:44.740 It's really weird, because I, you know, he was known as, among the comedians, I mean, there

02:34:56.040 was a...

02:34:56.480 Before he went back to doing stand-up, he was known as this guy that would steal people's

02:35:02.620 material.

02:35:04.100 Like, some of it is, I think he was on Coke, and he was unaware of it, and...

02:35:08.500 And he talked so much that he was triple-timing anything, so...

02:35:12.700 Yeah.

02:35:13.100 And so, he was...

02:35:14.840 He could easily...

02:35:15.780 But, you know, he was the sweetest...

02:35:20.280 Like, every time I met him, I didn't feel like I was...

02:35:25.980 You know, it was like talking to a...

02:35:29.980 Just another comedian.

02:35:32.080 Yeah.

02:35:32.200 It was very strange, because it wasn't like...

02:35:36.400 Like, you know how in LA, everyone's kind of looking around the room?

02:35:40.060 Yeah.

02:35:40.400 It was just a conversation.

02:35:44.140 He was locked in.

02:35:45.260 Yeah.

02:35:45.740 Mm-hmm.

02:35:46.800 It was pretty special.

02:35:48.360 Like, you see why people were...

02:35:50.920 Attracted to him?

02:35:51.860 Yeah.

02:35:52.500 Was he little, or was he regular size?

02:35:55.020 He was not...

02:35:56.840 He was similar to Brody.

02:35:59.920 He was a hairy guy.

02:36:02.720 You know what I mean?

02:36:03.860 Mm-hmm.

02:36:05.740 What else were you...

02:36:06.360 But to answer your question, I think he was...

02:36:07.920 He wasn't super tiny.

02:36:11.120 Yeah.

02:36:11.920 But he was not...

02:36:13.540 Not 5'10".

02:36:16.700 Do you...

02:36:17.400 Yeah, do you start to think about it?

02:36:18.740 Is there a spot where, like, a comfortable place where comedians retire?

02:36:21.780 Do you ever think about that?

02:36:22.660 Like, not...

02:36:23.080 I know you talked earlier about not staying in it too long, you know?

02:36:26.220 Yeah.

02:36:26.540 Like, is there a comfortable place where people...

02:36:28.940 I don't know.

02:36:29.620 I feel like I...

02:36:31.240 Like, do you think about that at all?

02:36:32.400 I'm not saying there is or isn't.

02:36:33.600 No, I feel like stand-up is a living kind of thing that, you know, people might not be interested

02:36:46.020 in you doing it, but I think you can continue to do it.

02:36:51.940 And I think that there is something so emotionally rewarding about doing it.

02:37:00.560 Don't you feel that way?

02:37:01.640 Oh, yeah.

02:37:02.040 Whereas I...

02:37:05.360 But I don't think it's...

02:37:08.540 Yeah, I mean, I think that I'll...

02:37:12.740 It's just kind of like coming up with new material is just too rewarding to kind of give up.

02:37:17.340 Oh, yeah.

02:37:17.600 There is something great about it, huh?

02:37:19.080 You get one new line...

02:37:20.420 Just that one new line, you're like, aha.

02:37:22.980 I'm hooked for another year.

02:37:24.160 Right?

02:37:26.780 Yeah, I think we covered a lot of stuff.

02:37:28.180 Zach, do you have anything else?

02:37:30.680 No, I think we're all good.

02:37:31.760 Jim, I might have to go, but...

02:37:33.460 Okay.

02:37:34.120 Jim, thanks so much, man.

02:37:35.240 Sorry, I didn't know we'd been here so long.

02:37:37.000 No, it's good.

02:37:38.020 It's good.

02:37:38.760 It's fun.

02:37:39.500 Fun doing.

02:37:40.100 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

02:37:45.840 I must be cornerstone.

02:37:51.100 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

02:37:56.500 And I can feel it in my bones.

02:37:59.980 But it's gonna take...

02:38:02.980 And I'll bend on the breeze, and let it out.

02:38:03.620 Check it out.

02:38:14.900 Okay.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - July 18, 2023

E453 Jim Gaffigan

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