This Past Weekend with Theo Von

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00:00:30.000 All right, I've got new tour dates to let you know about.

00:00:32.540 Oklahoma City, North Little Rock, Springfield, Missouri, Kansas City, Missouri, Sioux Falls,

00:00:41.280 South Dakota, La Crosse, Wisconsin, Green Bay, Moline, Illinois, Colorado Springs, Colorado,

00:00:49.140 Casper, Wyoming.

00:00:51.280 I'm excited to get up there.

00:00:53.420 Billings, Montana, Missoula, Montana, Bloomington, Indiana.

00:00:59.400 Columbus, Ohio, Champaign, Illinois.

00:01:02.060 Grand Rapids, Michigan.

00:01:04.260 Lafayette, Louisiana.

00:01:06.320 And Beaumont, Texas.

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00:01:21.780 And thank you so much for your support.

00:01:23.900 We're excited to come visit.

00:01:25.580 Today's guest is a filmmaker, writer, speaker, comic book aficionado.

00:01:31.680 You know him from his films, Clerks, Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob, Dogma, Tusk, and the list

00:01:41.900 goes on.

00:01:42.900 He has a new film out now called The 430 Movie, loosely based on his childhood in New Jersey.

00:01:49.660 I'm thankful to spend time today with Mr. Kevin Smith.

00:01:55.040 Shine that light on me

00:01:58.660 I'll sit and tell you my stories

00:02:04.380 Shine on me

00:02:09.380 And I will find a song

00:02:13.580 I've been singing

00:02:14.780 I'm going to start

00:02:15.620 I'm going to start

00:02:15.640 I'm going to start

00:02:15.780 I'm going to start

00:02:16.780 I'm going to start

00:02:21.780 I'm going to start

00:02:23.340 Yeah, look at me.

00:02:24.800 I'm in fucking monochrome

00:02:26.880 Is that what that print is?

00:02:30.340 Black and white

00:02:31.120 Oh, monochrome is black and white.

00:02:32.720 Okay, sweet.

00:02:33.920 Yeah, I didn't know that.

00:02:34.940 I mean, I've heard of it before.

00:02:36.820 Fuck yeah, you have.

00:02:37.860 But yeah.

00:02:38.820 You're a smart guy.

00:02:41.220 Yeah.

00:02:41.900 Yeah.

00:02:43.880 Okay.

00:02:45.600 Yeah, I'm not a dumb.

00:02:46.480 Yeah, I mean, I'm a

00:02:47.540 Yeah, don't fucking, don't sweat.

00:02:49.000 You knew monochrome.

00:02:50.200 It's just one of those things you didn't need.

00:02:51.780 And then it happened.

00:02:52.620 And then you're like, why didn't I?

00:02:54.300 But you did.

00:02:54.940 Yeah.

00:02:55.500 I've seen you speak.

00:02:56.420 You're no dummy.

00:02:57.240 Yeah, it was always in there somewhere.

00:02:58.700 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:59.240 Yeah.

00:03:00.020 Probably used it.

00:03:00.800 You probably busted it once or twice in your life.

00:03:02.920 Oh, I've definitely.

00:03:03.700 I mean, I've been involved in some like

00:03:05.120 It's not right.

00:03:06.060 It's like the most racial of screens

00:03:09.100 If it's monochrome, right?

00:03:10.340 It's black and white kind of.

00:03:11.560 It's the apartheid of print.

00:03:14.260 Yeah.

00:03:15.180 I scream it when I come.

00:03:16.740 I'm like monochrome.

00:03:18.680 Because Clerks was in black and white.

00:03:20.320 Yeah.

00:03:20.760 So everything ties back to Clerks.

00:03:22.300 Oh.

00:03:22.900 Only Clerks.

00:03:23.540 The only way I could come now is thinking of Clerks.

00:03:25.860 Well, I love the mall rat shoes, man.

00:03:29.160 Those are so, I mean, that's really cool.

00:03:31.180 Did we start?

00:03:32.120 Yeah, we'll start.

00:03:32.780 Who made those?

00:03:33.640 Are we started?

00:03:34.560 Yeah, we can.

00:03:35.060 Is that okay?

00:03:35.580 Yeah, that's totally cool.

00:03:37.360 Modern podcasting, I've not gotten that hang of.

00:03:40.020 Like, we started back in like 2007.

00:03:42.080 We were doing Smodcast.

00:03:43.060 Smodcast, yeah.

00:03:43.640 And there was always like, welcome to Smodcast.

00:03:46.300 I'm Kevin Smith.

00:03:47.060 I'm Scott Mosher.

00:03:47.640 So there was an official beginning.

00:03:49.020 But lately, any podcast I've been on, it was bullshitting.

00:03:52.380 And then all of a sudden, you're five minutes into a conversation.

00:03:55.320 I'm like, oh, I bet you we started and shit.

00:03:57.260 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:03:58.500 Yeah, sometimes it's like, I think sometimes, some places, things are a little more formal.

00:04:03.040 I don't know.

00:04:03.720 Sometimes I feel like if you start, if I say start, then it doesn't go as, I don't know.

00:04:09.600 I mean, you're a director.

00:04:10.880 What is that like?

00:04:11.440 If you say, is it?

00:04:12.560 Well, it depends who you ask.

00:04:14.720 I like to think of a director, but you go on the internet, they'll tell you a lot fucking different.

00:04:19.040 He was a director maybe once in his fucking first movie.

00:04:21.900 Every day online, somebody tells me I'm terrible at my job.

00:04:26.280 For the last, like, 30 years that I've been doing the job.

00:04:28.800 You know what that's like.

00:04:29.460 Yeah.

00:04:29.660 Or maybe you don't.

00:04:30.740 You're like, I've never gotten a bad fucking review.

00:04:32.920 Do you dig into your comments?

00:04:34.900 Yeah, no, we don't.

00:04:35.740 I don't dig into it too much, man.

00:04:37.260 I was actually talking, Joe Rogan, I spoke with him recently, and he was saying, don't read the good shit, don't read the bad shit.

00:04:45.620 Bro, are we going to start dropping names this early in the podcast?

00:04:49.300 Sorry.

00:04:49.580 I mean, you just whipped that out like a cock.

00:04:53.480 Yeah.

00:04:53.940 Like, fucking, who are you, Louis C.K.?

00:04:55.740 I wasn't ready for that.

00:04:57.420 All of a sudden, we're talking Joe Rogan and shit?

00:04:59.920 What?

00:05:00.320 Why are we here?

00:05:01.760 Like, I thought you were a Nashville person.

00:05:03.860 Yeah, I live in Nashville, yeah.

00:05:05.340 But we kept our studio here, and so sometimes we tape here.

00:05:09.460 So you live in, do you live in Nashville?

00:05:11.620 I live in Tennessee, yeah, full time.

00:05:13.020 Where in Tennessee?

00:05:13.820 I live just like right outside of the city.

00:05:15.560 I live kind of by like Lipscomb High School.

00:05:17.540 So you live near Nashville?

00:05:18.780 Yeah, yeah.

00:05:19.680 I fuck with Tennessee a lot.

00:05:21.120 They like us there quite a bit.

00:05:22.620 Like, I was just in Kingsport because we did the Smoky Mountain Fan Fest, and then like a month before that, I was in Knoxville.

00:05:29.720 Like, any time I'd go out and do shows, that's generally a place that I've always wound up.

00:05:34.960 I was in, can I tell you a fucking story real quick?

00:05:36.660 So I was in, recently I was in Kentucky.

00:05:38.860 I went and did a show in Lexington.

00:05:41.560 Lexington's awesome.

00:05:42.520 Beautiful, right?

00:05:43.220 So, you know, I'm vegan.

00:05:48.600 I hate saying that because everyone's like, fuck you, now I'm eating twice as much meat.

00:05:52.040 And I'm like, all right, that's on you.

00:05:53.240 Yeah, people don't.

00:05:54.120 They get tight.

00:05:54.800 But I went vegan because I had almost.

00:05:55.780 It's like being stomach gay or whatever.

00:05:57.700 I had a heart attack six and a half years ago, so I wound up going vegan, and it helped.

00:06:04.860 Used to be happy, now I'm fucking vegan.

00:06:06.880 So it's just part of, you know, it's just what I do.

00:06:09.380 But I don't try to push it on people and shit like that.

00:06:12.160 Like, when I started smoking weed back in the day, I was definitely like proselytizing for that.

00:06:16.880 Like, oh my God, you should try this.

00:06:19.040 Veganism, I don't proselytize for because people get really triggered by the word.

00:06:23.140 Now, if somebody's like, hey, man, how'd you lose that fucking weight?

00:06:26.120 Or, you know, some people have been like, you fucking Olympic bitch.

00:06:28.480 I'm like, no, fuck.

00:06:29.960 I went vegan after my heart attack.

00:06:32.700 That's how the weight went away.

00:06:34.160 Not because, like, you know, I necessarily tried, although I do now fucking walk over 10,000 steps a day.

00:06:40.200 But, you know, I was like, I don't want to die, so let me try this.

00:06:45.100 And I thought I'd do it for a few months and then go back, and then I never went back.

00:06:49.280 Being vegan, you mean?

00:06:50.100 Yeah.

00:06:50.380 Yeah.

00:06:50.800 Can you still have houseplants if you're a vegan?

00:06:52.660 Or is that, like, a weird?

00:06:54.080 Absolutely.

00:06:54.940 Number one, I'm sure I am on some level an ethical vegan who should think about that.

00:07:02.440 Like, I do love animals, so I'm sure that's some part of why it's easy for me to be vegan.

00:07:07.140 But I was not one of those, like, I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do.

00:07:11.460 I did it to save my fucking life.

00:07:13.480 Yeah.

00:07:13.620 And it worked out and shit.

00:07:14.360 So even if I, like, you know, was like, fuck a houseplant, I'd still go vegan.

00:07:20.460 Yeah.

00:07:20.600 Where are you going with that houseplant thing, though?

00:07:22.000 Oh, I just didn't know if you were, like, a plant, if you only eat, because vegan means

00:07:25.820 you can only eat plants?

00:07:26.680 Is the idea that, well, I'm plant-based.

00:07:28.700 Okay.

00:07:28.980 So is the idea that if I can't have a plant-based, because I'm like, well, this is my friend,

00:07:32.520 but I'm going to eat them.

00:07:33.420 Well, it would just seem like they would catch on.

00:07:36.340 It would be like having a fish tank and being a person that eats fish.

00:07:39.820 Yeah, and being a pescetarian.

00:07:41.220 Pescetarian.

00:07:41.540 Yeah.

00:07:42.080 Yeah.

00:07:42.240 I guess I was like, at some point, they're going to catch on.

00:07:44.520 You know what I'm saying?

00:07:44.900 They're going to be like, this guy's playing both sides of the net.

00:07:46.760 And the plants are going to start leaning more out and shit.

00:07:50.340 Get defensive.

00:07:51.180 That's where the Venus flytrap came from.

00:07:53.080 A plant that was like, I must defend myself against a vegan.

00:07:55.880 That was one of the first craziest movies that I ever heard when I was a kid.

00:08:00.100 Little Shop of Horrors?

00:08:01.000 Yeah, Little Shop of Horrors.

00:08:02.560 It was like a weird movie.

00:08:04.280 Musical about like a Venus flytrap behind it.

00:08:06.720 Yeah.

00:08:07.380 The Audrey 2.

00:08:08.260 And it had a plant that could bite people.

00:08:09.160 The plant came from outer space, though.

00:08:10.960 Oh, that's right.

00:08:11.460 You didn't lose a lot of sleep over it, did you?

00:08:13.440 No, I didn't.

00:08:14.240 I wasn't.

00:08:14.860 I don't think it scared me.

00:08:16.380 It was just interesting.

00:08:17.580 It was like a little bit before my time.

00:08:19.700 Like, right.

00:08:20.620 Like, we didn't.

00:08:21.520 I don't know if I've ever seen it.

00:08:23.040 I saw this shit on Off-Broadway.

00:08:24.840 Because I grew up like on the East Coast.

00:08:26.540 Oh, you saw the musical?

00:08:27.600 Yeah, like on stage and shit.

00:08:28.980 Before it became this musical, which was awesome as well.

00:08:31.140 Oh, before it became a movie?

00:08:32.300 Yeah, yeah.

00:08:33.040 Wow.

00:08:33.480 So it was a big musical first.

00:08:35.100 It was.

00:08:35.980 Off-Broadway hit.

00:08:37.760 And that was a big-ass puppet, like on stage.

00:08:40.640 Yeah, there's a picture of it right there, I guess.

00:08:43.520 Well, yeah, kind of.

00:08:44.660 There's on stage the ones to the right in that one picture.

00:08:48.680 That looks like the stage show.

00:08:49.860 Oh, I forgot.

00:08:50.720 Again, modern podcast.

00:08:52.800 You guys like have a screen and you spend an inordinate amount of time looking at images

00:08:57.560 and videos and shit.

00:08:58.780 That was something that never occurred to us in 2007.

00:09:01.020 Yeah, you just had to use your imagination.

00:09:02.220 Well, we just talked to each other.

00:09:03.820 And there was also no real video component.

00:09:05.940 Like, that was the attraction of doing the podcast.

00:09:08.060 It was like, I can just fucking do it dressed like however I am.

00:09:11.180 It was like voicing animation or something.

00:09:13.080 Yeah.

00:09:13.300 But y'all have gotten it down to a fucking science.

00:09:15.660 Like, you know, when I went to Tom Segura's place, fucking, well, Joe, of course, and

00:09:21.520 Bert, all y'all have free drinks.

00:09:25.720 Yeah.

00:09:26.020 Like, I was just out there and they're like, you want water?

00:09:27.800 And that's kind of standard.

00:09:28.640 And I was like, oh, yeah, I'll be like, or would you like Celsius?

00:09:30.800 I was like, what do you mean?

00:09:32.660 And there's a fucking Celsius cooler out there.

00:09:35.400 Yeah.

00:09:35.980 That is stock.

00:09:36.920 It's more stock than a 7-Eleven.

00:09:38.720 Whose fucking dick are you sucking to get that much Celsius, man?

00:09:41.760 Oh, dude.

00:09:42.220 And what am I doing wrong, Theo?

00:09:43.900 Yeah, I don't know.

00:09:45.360 Is sucking dick vegan?

00:09:47.100 It can be.

00:09:48.020 Okay.

00:09:48.340 You just don't swallow the meat.

00:09:49.760 Okay.

00:09:50.120 You know what I'm saying?

00:09:50.840 You put it in your mouth, you just don't swallow it.

00:09:53.480 Why on earth can I get this fucking podcast thing down to a science?

00:09:58.360 I'm doing it.

00:09:58.800 But you were one of the, I mean, you were,

00:10:00.800 one of the early guys in it.

00:10:02.620 Do you know what?

00:10:03.660 Here's where I thought, and I've said this on other podcasts,

00:10:05.840 so we'll do other things and shit.

00:10:07.700 Von Word, that's awesome.

00:10:09.840 Like, I thought I was so smart because I was like,

00:10:13.020 oh, we'll do all these podcasts and we'll get them out for free.

00:10:15.980 And then when I'm in their town doing a live show,

00:10:18.300 that's when they'll buy a ticket because they've gotten all this free.

00:10:21.840 And that was how I was like,

00:10:23.340 and that's how we'll make money on podcasting.

00:10:26.360 So that was your strategy from the beginning, you're saying?

00:10:28.060 That was my generation.

00:10:29.300 I mean, it wasn't even my strategy.

00:10:30.620 It was just like, we really,

00:10:32.340 it just started because I was like,

00:10:33.400 this is fucking fun.

00:10:34.220 And we're me and Mosher sitting around like goofing off and having a

00:10:37.120 microphone on fun conversations appealed to me.

00:10:40.180 We always take snapshots of people and whatnot.

00:10:42.320 There are pictures to memorialize a moment, capture a moment,

00:10:45.420 but nobody ever really records a conversation and shit,

00:10:48.340 a normal conversation.

00:10:49.280 If you're on TV, sure.

00:10:50.760 So that's why I loved podcasts and the idea of doing that shit.

00:10:53.260 And then one day we had a lot of people listening to podcasts and they were

00:10:57.240 like, uh, my, my business manager was like, uh,

00:11:00.480 you've got a bill for a thing called the server.

00:11:02.340 And it was like really high.

00:11:03.600 And I was like, what the fuck is this?

00:11:04.800 And it turns out podcasting is free for everybody,

00:11:07.640 but the fucking podcaster is particularly if people watch the podcast and

00:11:11.580 shit.

00:11:11.740 So we were hosting on our own server.

00:11:14.000 So we had to figure out like, all right, what the fuck?

00:11:16.160 How do we pay for this?

00:11:17.620 And I was like, well, we could do it live.

00:11:20.840 We could start doing live shows.

00:11:22.080 But even before that, like, I remember like we were, it was,

00:11:25.840 it was so primitive and we were reverse engineering going like, what,

00:11:28.360 what did they do in the early days of TV?

00:11:30.080 Like on 21, that game show, they had Jared tall, like as a sponsor,

00:11:35.600 maybe we should get an advertiser.

00:11:37.540 Like we've been watching TV our whole lives, but when we were doing the

00:11:41.140 podcast, like it was, it was less going like,

00:11:43.740 perhaps someone will pay us to say things about their product.

00:11:46.920 Like they did in the fifties.

00:11:48.960 So the hard way of learning.

00:11:50.180 It really was.

00:11:51.140 It got harder because the sponsor we reached out to the first sponsor we

00:11:54.380 had was Fleshlight.

00:11:55.660 Like, cause they had written me a letter after Zach and Mary make a porno.

00:11:58.840 Cause we had a whole Fleshlight scene and they were like, uh, Hey man,

00:12:02.200 if you ever want to do a Fleshlight, like fucking let us know.

00:12:05.180 And I've still, one day I will do the Kevin Smith's mouth,

00:12:08.960 like fuck him in the mouth, my own Fleshlight.

00:12:11.420 Yeah.

00:12:11.800 That, you know, a fan.

00:12:13.160 Well then people leaving angry comments can actually take it.

00:12:15.760 You know what I'm saying?

00:12:16.420 I'm saying a fan and an enemy, somebody who hates your shit,

00:12:19.200 fan and a hater could both enjoy that.

00:12:20.940 Like fuck Kevin Smith or Kevin Smith.

00:12:23.700 So they had written this really lovely letter and filed it away.

00:12:27.160 Like, Oh, that's cute.

00:12:29.020 And then you mean Fleshlight.

00:12:30.200 And then when we needed to pay the server bill and shit,

00:12:33.600 I said to Scott Mojo, I was like, man,

00:12:35.820 what if we reached out to Fleshlight?

00:12:37.260 Like they, maybe they'll sponsor our, our few shows.

00:12:42.180 If we like, and so they were way into it.

00:12:44.800 Like this was, this was so early in the game.

00:12:47.100 We're talking like 2007, maybe on the cusp of 2008.

00:12:50.620 Wow.

00:12:51.020 And so, and so much so that Rogan called me like in 2010 going like,

00:12:56.520 should I fucking use Fleshlight?

00:12:58.940 Yeah.

00:12:59.100 And I was like, for your dick?

00:13:00.200 And he goes, no, for the show.

00:13:01.340 And I was like, Oh, number one, use it for your dick.

00:13:03.580 It's amazing.

00:13:04.120 I said, number two, definitely use it for the show.

00:13:06.440 And so they started advertising on Joe's show.

00:13:09.060 And then they started selling way more Fleshlights because they'd been with us

00:13:13.160 for like two years.

00:13:13.880 And anybody who listened to us is like, we're fucking it already.

00:13:16.640 Yeah.

00:13:17.060 You know, it's its own market's got a glass.

00:13:19.100 Yeah.

00:13:20.200 But once he went to Joe, they shattered the glass ceiling.

00:13:23.880 Joe Rogan shattered the glass ceiling for Fleshlight.

00:13:26.300 There's your fucking headline.

00:13:27.920 That's what you don't get credit for.

00:13:29.520 So that's true.

00:13:30.640 We had to figure that shit out.

00:13:31.940 And then like, I remember trying to take it out on a live show.

00:13:34.500 Like I used to do Q and A's, just be by myself, evening with Kevin Smith and shit like that.

00:13:39.720 Yeah.

00:13:40.060 Kind of close to comedy, but more, I guess now they call it crowd work where it's like,

00:13:44.880 look, I need you to say something before I could be funny.

00:13:47.480 And so I'd let the audience ask questions and then I'd go off and stuff like that.

00:13:51.120 Yeah.

00:13:51.240 Because I've seen you guys do live podcasts and over the years, I mean, obviously seen

00:13:54.500 you do a lot of stuff, but just for the listeners who don't know a server, it's like

00:13:57.420 where you kind of host your podcast so that it can go out into the world.

00:14:01.480 So we were just on the server that our files were on and the emails that we use for the

00:14:06.940 office.

00:14:08.000 It was the viewsq.com server.

00:14:10.100 So we hosted a website, right?

00:14:11.640 Viewsq.com.

00:14:12.880 So because of that, we already had a server up and running.

00:14:15.320 So that's where we started hosting them.

00:14:16.780 We didn't, like now you'd feed them into Apple podcasts.

00:14:20.140 That shit necessarily didn't exist in the beginning.

00:14:22.100 Oh, that's true.

00:14:22.860 That might not even have been there.

00:14:23.940 I'm telling you, this is early.

00:14:24.480 So people had to get it like, it was almost like an AM, like a CB radio.

00:14:28.880 Like there were probably people listening on CB radio.

00:14:31.040 We were fucking distributing podcasts via carrier pigeon at that point.

00:14:34.680 Like we would roll up little things to their legs and send them off and people in other

00:14:38.140 cities would be like, I get it.

00:14:39.380 I get it.

00:14:40.280 It was weird going into a comedy club and going like, we want to do a podcast here.

00:14:46.360 Like, cause you know, I toured so much by myself that when I asked my agent at one point,

00:14:50.740 I was like, Hey man, me and Moj want to go out and do some podcasts in front of people.

00:14:54.520 So can you hook it up?

00:14:55.860 Like in any of the gigs I normally do, but all those places like didn't want to pay me

00:15:00.900 what they normally paid me.

00:15:02.300 They're like, what are you doing?

00:15:03.860 And I'm like, well, I'm sitting next to my friend and we're talking to each other.

00:15:06.700 And they're like, and you're not going to take questions.

00:15:09.100 I was like, no, I not.

00:15:11.180 I mean, maybe I guess, but that's not really part of the show.

00:15:13.320 They're like, I don't know.

00:15:15.140 That sounds risky.

00:15:15.960 And so we had to fucking do the show for like 70, 30 splits, like a very small clubs.

00:15:22.680 Cause they were like, what do you mean a pod cast?

00:15:25.320 Like that kind of shit.

00:15:26.420 So after the first tour, like, and then we put the shows out, people like, Oh shit,

00:15:30.600 it's fun.

00:15:31.420 And doing it with a live audience was this weird experience.

00:15:34.500 Cause we'd always done it in a room like this with nobody, but each other entertaining

00:15:38.480 each other.

00:15:39.200 And then suddenly do it in front of people.

00:15:41.080 You know, it's a world of difference.

00:15:42.360 Yeah.

00:15:42.920 I mean, podcast, the podcast, that was the N word of like, um, like whatever, you know,

00:15:51.100 video, audio communication or whatever for a while.

00:15:54.060 Like you wouldn't even say it.

00:15:55.180 Or if somebody said, you were like, this guy's outlier or this guy's a, you know, a pervert

00:16:00.080 or whatever, you know, I think this guy's a pedo.

00:16:03.240 Yeah.

00:16:03.660 Yeah.

00:16:03.820 You're like, Oh, cast.

00:16:05.000 Is that what you fucking said?

00:16:06.680 I remember when we did.

00:16:08.020 Yeah.

00:16:08.220 We're here to catch.

00:16:09.040 Yeah.

00:16:09.140 Have you seen all these videos?

00:16:10.140 Every video now online is just like, this guy's here to meet a 14 year old.

00:16:15.160 You see those videos all the time.

00:16:16.720 No.

00:16:17.820 Is that right?

00:16:18.800 Yeah.

00:16:19.120 Sorry.

00:16:19.460 I mean, there's a TV show all about that.

00:16:21.340 Yeah.

00:16:21.580 But they, now it's like every, uh, everybody's a vigil.

00:16:24.320 People are doing it their own.

00:16:25.620 Vigilante.

00:16:26.400 It's so rogue.

00:16:27.400 There's an industry.

00:16:28.660 Who's the guy that does it?

00:16:29.000 What's his name?

00:16:29.540 Chris Hanson.

00:16:30.180 Which to be fair, you know, he's good at it, but.

00:16:33.820 Oh, he was the Stanley of it.

00:16:35.100 I guess anybody could.

00:16:35.560 Yeah.

00:16:36.860 The Stanley of pedo busting.

00:16:38.200 Yeah.

00:16:38.580 Chris Hanson.

00:16:39.360 That's what it says.

00:16:39.820 It's Chiron in every TV appearance.

00:16:41.740 Now it's, now it's just, I mean, it's people.

00:16:44.320 I mean, there's thousands of them that go up all the time.

00:16:47.300 It's just like constantly Tyrone came to meet a 13 year old girl.

00:16:50.740 It's always at like a Walmart or something.

00:16:53.600 But yeah, it's a big business now.

00:16:55.500 Right.

00:16:55.660 Not, I shouldn't say it's not a big, but catching these people, baiting them online yourself,

00:17:00.320 people just to create a, you know, and then get views and stuff like that.

00:17:04.480 It's a thing.

00:17:05.320 It's a dark world.

00:17:06.240 But I interrupted you, but yeah, that's so wild.

00:17:09.100 I didn't even think.

00:17:09.680 In Tusk, our main character is a podcaster and there were a bunch of.

00:17:15.000 Yeah.

00:17:15.280 Haley Joel.

00:17:15.940 Who is it?

00:17:16.580 Haley and, and Justin Long was the guy who got turned into a walrus.

00:17:20.280 But like that, when we put the movie out there, there were some reviews that were like,

00:17:25.280 he has a job I've never heard of before and shit like that.

00:17:28.980 Like if I gave it, it was a, now it feels like, well, I mean, like only murders in the

00:17:34.580 buildings is predicated on podcasting.

00:17:37.260 Yeah.

00:17:37.600 Like podcasting has become absolutely massive, but yeah, I'd never figured out how to make

00:17:42.100 money, money from it.

00:17:43.060 Certainly not enough to have a fucking Celsius fridge.

00:17:45.360 Yeah.

00:17:45.700 What is that all about?

00:17:47.040 How does that happen?

00:17:48.220 Dude, they mailed it one day and the guys, they, uh, I want details, Theo.

00:17:52.440 You can't just fucking gloss over this.

00:17:54.400 Like that, that's the most impressive thing I've seen in a month.

00:17:57.080 Lord Celsius, I guess, sent it.

00:17:58.800 Is that who it was?

00:17:59.720 Yeah.

00:18:00.380 What is he like?

00:18:01.500 You know what?

00:18:01.960 That's bad of me.

00:18:02.640 I'm assuming it's a guy.

00:18:03.900 It could be a lady, but I assume you would have called her lady Celsius.

00:18:07.000 Yeah.

00:18:07.300 Her, her majesty.

00:18:08.560 Yeah.

00:18:08.920 I don't know.

00:18:09.460 I can't imagine.

00:18:10.480 The Empress Celsius.

00:18:11.380 Yes.

00:18:11.840 The Empress Celsius.

00:18:12.900 That's who it is.

00:18:13.560 Fuck all this fooling around.

00:18:14.540 How did you get that free shit?

00:18:16.060 Tell me right now.

00:18:17.320 They, yeah, we had a sponsorship with them and then they sent that at some point and it's

00:18:21.820 kind of like some of the guys have struck, you know, some of the guys can't move, turn

00:18:25.300 their necks.

00:18:25.880 They've had so much of it.

00:18:26.780 It's fucking.

00:18:27.160 My kid introduced me to it.

00:18:28.600 Cause she was like, it's vegan.

00:18:29.460 You can drink it.

00:18:29.980 I was like, right on.

00:18:30.780 And then you're drinking it.

00:18:31.740 Yeah.

00:18:32.060 I can't.

00:18:32.400 Well, she's 25.

00:18:33.220 I guess.

00:18:33.520 I don't know if she counts as a kid anymore, but one day she came over and we were recording

00:18:37.900 a podcast.

00:18:38.640 We got podcasts.

00:18:39.460 It was dropping on.

00:18:39.980 I heard, um, it's called beardless, dickless me.

00:18:42.520 I get a free plug, but we were about to record and I cracked a Celsius and she was like,

00:18:47.280 how many of those you've had today?

00:18:48.400 And I was like, this is the 10th.

00:18:49.820 And she goes, what are you fucking nuts?

00:18:51.620 It's an energy drink.

00:18:52.580 And I was like, you said it was vegan.

00:18:53.660 She's like, those two things are not mutually exclusive.

00:18:56.320 You're a fucking heart attack victim.

00:18:58.280 She's like, and then she went online, like the way you guys are like, somebody's in another

00:19:01.860 room fucking looking shit up.

00:19:03.040 She immediately went online.

00:19:04.320 She was like, oh my God, you can't have more than fucking two a day.

00:19:06.900 What are you nuts?

00:19:07.580 Yeah.

00:19:07.700 They're very strong, man.

00:19:08.920 They're good.

00:19:09.440 But they never felt that strong to me.

00:19:11.160 Like I never felt like hyped, but maybe you don't feel it.

00:19:14.100 Maybe that's the thing about a drug, right?

00:19:15.600 I've never been in the throes of drug abuse.

00:19:18.080 Maybe I am, and I don't even fucking know it.

00:19:20.580 I could be enslaved to Celsius.

00:19:22.860 I never met anybody that's had 10.

00:19:24.220 My friend Brad used to work for Red Bull, and he would-

00:19:27.920 Are you serious?

00:19:27.940 You've never met anybody that had 10?

00:19:29.080 I've never met anybody that's had-

00:19:30.320 You seem to run into a wild crowd, and you're like, I watch videos that are fucking the dark

00:19:33.960 web and shit, and you've never met anyone that had 10 Celsius?

00:19:36.240 Not in one day.

00:19:38.140 Not even in one week.

00:19:39.840 I don't know.

00:19:40.440 I mean, I don't know.

00:19:41.100 I have a couple of friends that probably have, but we haven't talked about it, I guess.

00:19:44.960 But the one thing that I was thinking about was my friend Brad used to work for Red Bull,

00:19:48.940 and he said at their, Chris, there's a 1-800 number if people are like, have had too much

00:19:53.280 Red Bull or whatever they call, I guess.

00:19:54.800 They call up, they're like, help me.

00:19:57.160 What do I do?

00:19:58.440 You know, the devices in our lives are so connected these days.

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00:22:37.240 That happened to my wife with weed once.

00:22:40.440 We were on the bus, and we were in St. Louis doing some shows in St. Louis, and I had a bus in those days

00:22:47.280 because I wouldn't fly because I got thrown off an airplane for being too fat.

00:22:52.580 And so I traveled by bus, and everyone was like, you're like Madden, but I don't follow sports.

00:22:57.020 I didn't know what that was.

00:22:57.400 Were you too fat?

00:22:58.200 Did they pull a scale out, or how did they even do it?

00:22:59.780 Did they just guess?

00:23:00.400 The way I understand it, years after the fact, was because somebody was like, hey man, I work in the industry.

00:23:08.340 I think this is what happened, because they never flat out told me.

00:23:11.780 It was a packed fucking flight.

00:23:14.000 I wasn't even supposed to be on that flight.

00:23:15.300 I was supposed to go to the next flight, but they had room, so I was like, oh, fuck it.

00:23:18.240 I'll get on this.

00:23:20.200 When I walked down the jetway, excuse me, like the one guy was like, where are you going?

00:23:23.840 And I was like, they gave me a ticket I'm getting on.

00:23:27.360 And he's like, no, there's too many already.

00:23:29.100 And I was like, well, the lady just gave me this.

00:23:32.100 And he's like, ah.

00:23:33.020 So I walked down to the plane, sat down, and I sat between two women in the bulkhead of

00:23:40.600 if you first walk in and you go to the left, we were on the right side of the plane.

00:23:46.720 And I'm sitting there and shit, and fucking buckled my seatbelt and whatnot, and the armrests

00:23:51.180 were there.

00:23:51.600 And I was definitely fucking weight heavier than I am now.

00:23:54.940 How much do you think you were?

00:23:55.880 Three, three, I probably weighed my area code, which was 323.

00:24:00.960 What?

00:24:01.460 Yeah, I was as high as 330, 334 at one point.

00:24:06.800 I think that's the biggest I went.

00:24:08.060 We look like a healthy 185 right now.

00:24:10.500 It's between, I live between 185 and 200, depending on if it's a bread week or not a

00:24:16.480 bread week and whatnot.

00:24:17.560 If I'm breading up, then I kind of tend to bloat up and stuff.

00:24:20.420 Oh, yeah.

00:24:20.700 But that was, again, that was the heart attack.

00:24:23.420 That was like, after the heart attack, I was so fucking terrified of dying and shit.

00:24:27.800 And actually, I wasn't.

00:24:28.960 At the heart attack, I was fucking cool about it.

00:24:31.040 Like, I was always scared of dying and shit.

00:24:32.800 And then on the table, like, the guy had told me, Dr. Leidenheim, my guy, my cardiologist,

00:24:38.280 who just fucking retired.

00:24:39.900 And he told me before he retired, I was like, well, now that you're gone, what do I fucking

00:24:42.980 do?

00:24:43.200 Who's my new cardiologist?

00:24:44.820 And he was like, Kevin, you don't need a cardiologist anymore.

00:24:47.780 It was like the end of Wizard of Oz.

00:24:49.020 He's like, you could have always taken care of your own heart.

00:24:51.200 Just put your feet together or whatever the fuck.

00:24:53.300 But he was going like, you're passing now.

00:24:55.560 He's going, now you just go to your regular internist.

00:24:58.120 And then if you've got a problem, then you go to a specialist.

00:25:00.240 And I was like, well, I don't even have that.

00:25:01.980 And so he introduced me to a new guy.

00:25:03.120 But in any event, going way back to me on the table, that doctor, Dr. Leidenheim, he

00:25:08.780 goes, you're having what they call a widow maker heart attack.

00:25:12.660 You know what that is?

00:25:13.540 And like, it kind of self-explanatory, but I was kind of, they had jumped me up on fentanyl.

00:25:18.360 So I was like, no, geez, what is it?

00:25:20.720 I was very chatty.

00:25:21.880 And he was like, it means in 80% of the cases where the patient has what you have, the

00:25:26.680 patient always dies.

00:25:27.500 But you're going to be in the 20% because I'm good at my job.

00:25:30.080 And he disappeared into my crotch and made magic.

00:25:31.760 That's how they get to your fucking heart is through your dick.

00:25:34.340 Isn't that amazing?

00:25:34.660 No way.

00:25:34.980 They use a catheter?

00:25:35.980 They go through, catheter, no.

00:25:37.860 Well, they go through your femoral heart.

00:25:39.140 They technically don't go through your dick.

00:25:40.520 But it's right next to you.

00:25:41.200 It's dick adjacent.

00:25:42.100 It's as close as possible.

00:25:43.480 Like if somebody was fucking, if you were like, lick me where they fucking put that fuck,

00:25:46.820 but lick me on my femoral, you're close enough to the dick where you might as well just

00:25:49.800 fucking go over and give that one as well.

00:25:51.640 So they went right through the femoral to the heart.

00:25:53.980 And you know how they're always telling me, like, I'm worried about a man's heart or his stomach.

00:25:56.900 Bullshit.

00:25:57.320 Right through the fucking dick.

00:25:58.680 Science.

00:25:59.380 Right there.

00:25:59.740 Science.

00:26:00.060 And so he told me that, and you know, I'd always been afraid of dying, but like, you

00:26:04.900 know, nothing I could do at that moment.

00:26:07.380 Like all the fucking damage had been done, whatever I'd eaten, fucking my genetics, whatever

00:26:11.400 fuck led me to that moment.

00:26:12.940 So all the fucking like, why in the world wasn't going to help?

00:26:16.040 So I just started facing the fact, like, since I was looking up, I was like, this might

00:26:19.100 be the last ceiling I see for the rest of my life.

00:26:21.520 And this may be the last room I'm in.

00:26:22.980 And what'd you wear?

00:26:24.360 I was wearing a hockey jersey because I was doing a special.

00:26:26.640 I was doing a standup special that eventually came out.

00:26:28.920 It happened on stage that you had a heart attack.

00:26:31.360 Not on stage.

00:26:32.420 It was between two shows.

00:26:33.440 You know, when you go on a tape, a show, you shoot two shows and they put the best of it

00:26:36.880 together.

00:26:37.260 We shot our first show.

00:26:38.740 Then I went backstage and we had an hour before the next show.

00:26:41.840 And in that hour, that's when it all fucking happened.

00:26:44.160 I was like sweating.

00:26:45.060 I was like, can't fucking quite catch my breath and shit.

00:26:47.840 So while I was laying on the table, I got comfortable with the notion of dying.

00:26:52.140 Like dying suddenly, I was like, oh shit, this is like graduation.

00:26:55.000 Like I left high school.

00:26:56.560 Like if I could leave this world, if I left high school and high school was fun and I hated

00:27:00.020 to see it end.

00:27:01.020 If I left that, you know, and the shit worked out, I can leave this.

00:27:05.040 There's an ending.

00:27:05.840 Of course there's an ending to everything.

00:27:07.700 There was a song.

00:27:08.520 Fucking turn, turn, turn.

00:27:09.540 You got this.

00:27:09.980 Yeah.

00:27:10.340 Beatles.

00:27:10.880 Yeah.

00:27:11.320 Well, I don't know.

00:27:12.420 I think it was the birds.

00:27:13.880 But regardless, somebody will look it up for you.

00:27:17.360 Yeah.

00:27:18.640 And so you, so.

00:27:19.740 So I was lying there and I was cool with the notion of like fucking dying.

00:27:23.540 I'd come to total peace with it where I was like, you know what, man?

00:27:27.240 Like I had my time.

00:27:28.720 Like, and this is it.

00:27:29.600 And like you had a real good life, better than fucking most.

00:27:32.220 You did some cool shit and whatnot.

00:27:33.340 There I was.

00:27:34.400 Wow.

00:27:34.780 And I was like, so if this is the case.

00:27:36.280 You look handsome for a dying guy.

00:27:37.900 Not bad, right?

00:27:38.520 Well, I was on stage previously, right?

00:27:40.040 Oh, that's true.

00:27:40.580 Right off stage.

00:27:41.460 No makeup.

00:27:42.040 It's still.

00:27:42.380 But still.

00:27:43.320 So I was like, if this is it, this is it.

00:27:45.820 You know, like you push back from the table.

00:27:47.600 Don't be the last guy at the party that's like, hey man, you got any more beer?

00:27:50.240 Like fuck off.

00:27:50.960 And you had your time.

00:27:52.400 So I was cool with that.

00:27:53.940 So I was okay with dying.

00:27:55.620 Utterly at peace.

00:27:56.340 I was like, if it ends, it ends.

00:27:57.420 Did you get to talk to anybody before?

00:27:59.080 Sorry, go on.

00:27:59.380 Just the doctor.

00:28:00.000 Just the guy who was in my fucking crotch.

00:28:01.660 Did you write a note to a kid or to your children?

00:28:03.760 No, because it was, it all happened so fast.

00:28:06.280 Like my wife wasn't there.

00:28:07.820 The kid wasn't there.

00:28:08.420 They didn't find out until after the fucking fact and shit.

00:28:11.800 So they had to get you on the table immediately.

00:28:14.240 As soon as I got to the, they took me, picked me up from an ambulance from the Alex Theater

00:28:17.600 in Glendale.

00:28:19.980 And took me, they're supposed to take me to a closer hospital as per the shoot schedule.

00:28:23.740 Like whenever you shoot a thing, there's like, this is where you got to go if somebody gets

00:28:27.100 hurt.

00:28:27.660 That hospital was closer.

00:28:28.960 But the first responders, the medics picked me up.

00:28:32.200 Motherfuckers saved my life.

00:28:33.260 I don't even know their names.

00:28:34.060 I got to figure it out.

00:28:34.960 You know what?

00:28:35.400 I got to go out and find their names.

00:28:36.880 Yeah.

00:28:37.720 These two kids came in backstage at the Alex Theater and they were trying to put leads

00:28:43.020 on me and shit.

00:28:44.040 Which leads?

00:28:44.680 You know, like the, on your, on your chest so they can measure your heart rate or whatever

00:28:48.000 the fuck.

00:28:48.740 So I was wearing a hockey jersey.

00:28:49.980 And again, I was way heavier and shit.

00:28:51.380 And they lift up my shirt.

00:28:52.420 I'm like, whoa, man.

00:28:53.440 Fucking, you never do that to a fucking heavy dude.

00:28:55.420 I was like, whoa, what are you talking about?

00:28:56.840 And they're like, we got to get these on you.

00:28:58.000 I was like, well, fucking, I'll hold it out.

00:28:59.580 You reach under.

00:29:00.280 But there's too many fucking people in shit.

00:29:01.580 So they did that.

00:29:02.580 And once they took a reading, like, I do remember the woman looking at the man.

00:29:08.980 Like, you know, an unspoken look.

00:29:11.600 You know, I'm, supposedly I'm a director for a living and shit.

00:29:13.980 So sometimes you got to frame a shit.

00:29:15.160 Like when somebody's cheating a clue or whatever.

00:29:16.940 Something like that.

00:29:17.700 Where it's, you know, fucking just one of those.

00:29:19.400 It wasn't that shifty where it's like, uh-oh, what does that mean?

00:29:21.760 But I did see a glance between them.

00:29:23.780 And then my man goes, you know what?

00:29:25.420 We're going to take you to the hospital.

00:29:27.160 And I was like, oh, please don't do that.

00:29:28.480 This is embarrassing.

00:29:29.220 He goes, no, just in case.

00:29:30.520 He's going, look, it'll help me.

00:29:32.680 Like, it'll look good for me and my job and stuff.

00:29:35.160 And he's like, you never, you ever been to that hospital before?

00:29:37.360 I was like, no, I visit people.

00:29:39.100 He goes, oh, you're going to love it.

00:29:40.140 It's going to be great.

00:29:41.020 Like, you know.

00:29:41.400 You're going to love it, huh?

00:29:42.440 He was selling it, man.

00:29:43.620 Maybe it was for a big farm or something.

00:29:45.500 Well, thank God that dude made the call he did and her, the two of them.

00:29:49.860 The two medics.

00:29:50.600 And they chose not to go to the hospital they were supposed to take me to.

00:29:53.420 They went to one that was a little further away because they knew that was the one where

00:29:56.540 heart people went.

00:29:57.340 Wow.

00:29:57.840 And thank God they took me to that one.

00:29:59.340 And that guy who saved my life, Dr. Leidenheim.

00:30:01.960 Leidenheim.

00:30:02.560 Leidenheim.

00:30:03.240 Leidenheim.

00:30:03.740 He was, he like got pulled in at the last minute and shit like that.

00:30:08.700 All of it like worked out, but I saw another doctor, Dr. Paula, like months later, man,

00:30:14.240 like after this all happened.

00:30:15.080 After it happened, I went on Colbert and told the story.

00:30:17.180 I told the story for like years and shit like that, right?

00:30:20.140 So I finally see Dr. Paula because we're going to go make Jay and Silent Bob reboots.

00:30:23.880 This is like 2019.

00:30:25.300 And she's the doctor you see before you go make a movie or something that clears you,

00:30:29.120 you know, especially for the director because you got to, you got to, they got to insure you

00:30:32.640 for the whole run of the show.

00:30:33.640 So since I just had a massive heart attack, the insurance company was like, make sure

00:30:37.160 this motherfucker could direct.

00:30:38.380 Like we know he can't direct, like we've read the reviews, but like make sure he can

00:30:41.580 direct on set.

00:30:43.340 So when I came in to see her, she was like, oh my God, look at you.

00:30:47.000 She's going, I heard about your story.

00:30:48.720 I saw you talking about it on TV everywhere.

00:30:50.800 You talk about the heart attack.

00:30:51.760 I was like, yeah, I know.

00:30:52.780 And she's gone.

00:30:53.680 And you keep talking about how like it was 80% chance of dying.

00:30:58.000 I was like, yeah, she's gone.

00:30:59.880 I'm going to tell you right now.

00:31:01.120 She's going to tell you a story.

00:31:02.080 I've wanted to tell you ever since I heard about your heart attack.

00:31:04.440 She's gone, you know, I used to be in cardio.

00:31:07.640 And I was like, get out of here.

00:31:08.440 She's yeah.

00:31:09.140 And there were four of us.

00:31:10.220 We're going to Cedars on a heart patient, you know, open heart.

00:31:13.140 We're having the surgery.

00:31:14.300 And all of a sudden, right in the middle of it, massive widow maker strikes.

00:31:17.280 And I was like, well, if you're open heart surgery and have it in the hospital before

00:31:20.340 doctors, not the patient.

00:31:21.820 One of the doctors drops to the fucking floor, has a massive heart attack.

00:31:25.520 Wow.

00:31:25.720 And I was like, well, at least three other doctors and Cedars sign.

00:31:28.580 And she goes, that's the point of the story is we lost them.

00:31:30.600 And she said, we had all the talent in the world and all the tools to save a human being.

00:31:35.380 But when it comes to the widow maker, it ain't up to the doctor.

00:31:37.700 She's going, I love Dr. Leighton.

00:31:39.360 But you give him a lot more credit than he probably deserves because he did his job right.

00:31:45.220 But it ain't even up to him at the end.

00:31:46.600 Damn, he's not even any good.

00:31:48.420 I mean, he's good enough because I'm here.

00:31:50.460 So I'll always believe in him.

00:31:51.360 But she was like, that thing makes up its mind and does what it wants.

00:31:55.700 She's going, so she's going, I heard you say 80%.

00:31:58.340 She's going, I just wanted to correct you.

00:31:59.600 That's not true.

00:32:00.380 I was like, I always thought that was I.

00:32:01.540 She goes, bullshit, it's 83%.

00:32:03.280 83.17.

00:32:04.940 She's like, 83% patient goes.

00:32:06.740 She's going, so you're here for a reason.

00:32:09.060 Keep telling that story.

00:32:10.700 She's going, because people don't know.

00:32:13.720 She's like, the way you talk about it and shit, that's how most people think about it.

00:32:17.020 And it's true.

00:32:17.760 For the last five, six years, man, like this, no bullshit.

00:32:22.700 Vonward.

00:32:23.760 I love that.

00:32:24.400 Yeah, somebody made that for us.

00:32:25.600 It's fucking awesome.

00:32:26.260 Very sweet of him.

00:32:27.380 I was walking on running recently.

00:32:29.080 I got these two German Shepherds walking them up running, birdie and lucky.

00:32:33.680 And this tall dude stops me and he goes, hey, man.

00:32:37.080 I'm going to have my headphones in.

00:32:38.200 He goes, hey.

00:32:38.800 And I say, hey, what's up?

00:32:39.800 And he's like, I just wanted to tell you, you have saved at least six lives at my job

00:32:46.120 that I know of.

00:32:47.160 And I was like, ooh, how?

00:32:48.420 And he goes, I work at Kaiser.

00:32:50.980 I've had at least six people come in with heart ailments that reference you.

00:32:56.460 He's going, sometimes they know exactly who you are.

00:32:58.300 They'll say Kevin Smith.

00:32:59.580 He's going, a lot of times, I'll be honest, they say Kevin James, but they're talking about you.

00:33:03.540 Sometimes they go, he's the guy.

00:33:05.280 You don't want to say nothing in movies.

00:33:06.580 He's going, but all of them have heard you talk about it.

00:33:09.160 And because they did, they were like, I should go in just in case.

00:33:13.160 And he's going, these people would have died otherwise.

00:33:15.320 He's going, so keep doing what you're doing, man.

00:33:18.120 And so when I got out, I was in the nuthouse like a year and a half ago.

00:33:21.800 And so when I got out of there, I put up a video on People Magazine and shit.

00:33:26.760 Sorry.

00:33:27.460 It happens.

00:33:27.980 I mean, everybody is.

00:33:28.760 You'll get there one day.

00:33:29.920 Oh, yeah, I could be there this afternoon, but I'm hearing you.

00:33:32.680 Especially, well, not with that free fucking Celsius, man.

00:33:34.700 You're living on Easy Street, Theo.

00:33:36.580 There are those of us who have to fucking pay for Celsius.

00:33:38.700 You know how much I pay for those?

00:33:40.180 $2.80 not a can, this motherfucker can.

00:33:41.900 I come in, he goes, take as many as you want.

00:33:44.340 I was like, hello, new best friend.

00:33:46.120 I want to work on your fucking show.

00:33:48.080 I'll just greet people.

00:33:49.280 Like, there's a nice dude who greeted me in the fucking parking lot.

00:33:51.820 He goes, oh, man, I'm a big fan.

00:33:53.180 Like, I loved your movies when I was a kid and shit.

00:33:55.540 I'll be that guy.

00:33:56.520 Especially if I get to walk home with, like, fucking 12 packs.

00:33:59.920 You'll float home, dude.

00:34:01.680 I ain't looking for free money, dude.

00:34:03.200 I ain't that kind of, like, fucking carpet bagger.

00:34:05.920 But I just want to wet my beak a little on the Celsius.

00:34:10.040 Just drip a little on my tongue.

00:34:12.700 Yeah, all of our cabinets are filled with it.

00:34:14.460 They've sent too much, actually.

00:34:16.360 What?

00:34:16.880 Yeah.

00:34:17.380 Don't fucking say shit like that.

00:34:19.240 Sorry.

00:34:19.600 I'm telling you, like, fucking how I thought I knew.

00:34:23.120 I thought I had the podcast and came down to a science.

00:34:25.780 And you're like, we have so much Celsius.

00:34:27.540 We flush it down the toilet on a regular basis.

00:34:30.320 I'm like, no.

00:34:31.420 Yeah.

00:34:32.020 I'm going to start throwing cans of it into a schoolyard.

00:34:34.440 You know what I'm saying?

00:34:35.500 Fucking make it rock.

00:34:36.440 Fuck Kevin Smith.

00:34:37.440 I'm like, why?

00:34:38.100 You don't go here.

00:34:38.800 I'm like, watch the show.

00:34:40.660 You'll understand.

00:34:40.980 I'm just going to write, get an EKG and just throw it into an elementary school.

00:34:44.600 It's not good I don't live here or work here, bro, because I'd be doing 10, 20 of these a day and be like, hey, Theo, man, someone's in the parking lot.

00:34:53.120 They really want to be on the show.

00:34:54.260 I'm like, dude, oh, that's a shadow, bro.

00:34:58.280 You're good.

00:34:58.820 It tastes good, though.

00:34:59.280 It tastes good.

00:34:59.560 Oh, no, it tastes really good.

00:35:00.540 I'll have some, too, actually.

00:35:02.260 Well, don't fucking, you know, don't follow me into the hole, dude.

00:35:05.580 He'll bring one in.

00:35:06.020 I got one here if you want to take this pair.

00:35:07.780 Yeah, we have some of it.

00:35:08.500 Can I get that again?

00:35:09.480 What flavor is that?

00:35:10.660 Galaxy Vibe.

00:35:11.740 Can I get another one more?

00:35:12.560 This one I want Cosmic, and next I want to go Galaxy.

00:35:15.660 I'm tasting them all.

00:35:16.840 You don't understand, man.

00:35:17.740 Fucking this shit.

00:35:18.360 Oh, you've got them all.

00:35:19.240 $2.39 cans.

00:35:20.400 So sometimes I'm into 7-Eleven.

00:35:21.880 I'm like, I want to try Cosmic Vibe, but $2.39 is expensive.

00:35:26.060 So now I know I can just come here and fucking do a taste test, sample them all.

00:35:29.980 What about Mediocre Vibe?

00:35:31.380 How much is that?

00:35:32.760 Fucking, that's what I sell.

00:35:34.620 Oh, wait.

00:35:35.160 I got to say, I'd never finished my Lexington story.

00:35:37.960 Yeah.

00:35:38.300 And it all started, I veered off course because I was talking about being vegan.

00:35:41.480 But the heart stuff, right?

00:35:43.320 Yeah, but hold that thought.

00:35:44.200 Let me finish the, because this makes me laugh.

00:35:45.960 Okay.

00:35:46.400 Because this fucking happened.

00:35:47.380 So I'm in Lexington, and I, oh, you rock.

00:35:51.920 Fucking hey, man.

00:35:52.540 There you go, dude.

00:35:53.460 My man's hustling because he heard me, like, gunning for the job.

00:35:56.040 I was like, I'll fucking be one of those guys.

00:35:57.660 He's like, oh, fuck that.

00:35:59.280 We got vans.

00:36:00.480 See, I'm halfway there and shit.

00:36:02.820 So there I am in Lexington, and I got an app on my phone if you're a vegan, which, again,

00:36:08.020 I'm not pushing on people.

00:36:09.160 I do it to save my life.

00:36:12.540 It's called Happy Cow.

00:36:13.560 Now, wherever you are, you enter a thing, you know, like, I'm where I am, and they'll

00:36:17.700 tell you places you can find vegan food or vegan adjacent.

00:36:20.300 Oh, that's great.

00:36:20.700 It's helpful, right?

00:36:21.820 So I'm in Lexington.

00:36:23.200 I fucking enter, you know, Lexington, Kentucky.

00:36:25.340 The app laughs at me and shit, because they don't believe in that shit there at all.

00:36:28.180 So there ain't no fucking vegan food to find, except, you know, you can go to Burger King

00:36:31.520 and get an Impossible Whopper without cheese, or my kid told me, oh, White Castle does

00:36:36.440 Impossible Sliders.

00:36:37.380 So I was like, fuck, I'm going to go to White Castle, man.

00:36:39.300 I passed to White Castle.

00:36:40.540 Yeah.

00:36:40.960 I was like, so I go into the White Castle in Kentucky, and I go up to the counter, and

00:36:46.860 I'm like, and I look up, and there's Impossible Sliders.

00:36:49.120 I said, can I get six Impossible Sliders?

00:36:52.800 And the lady looks at me, and then she looks up at the menu.

00:36:54.720 She's like, I don't know.

00:36:56.260 She goes, hold on.

00:36:57.060 And then she goes into the, like, the freezer case for five minutes, then comes out with

00:37:02.000 a frozen-ass fucking box with, like, fucking, look like Iceman, like, fucking, they unearthed

00:37:07.780 it from the primordial man trapped in ice.

00:37:10.200 Like from that Mel Gibson movie?

00:37:11.880 Yes.

00:37:12.760 And she was like, this is going to take a minute.

00:37:14.900 And I was like, we don't do these a lot.

00:37:16.280 I was like, that's cool.

00:37:16.980 I'll wait.

00:37:17.780 So I'm sitting at the counter, and all of a sudden I hear, no, no!

00:37:23.180 And, you know, but you know what that is.

00:37:26.140 Somebody got their period at work.

00:37:27.460 Exactly.

00:37:27.980 And I'm like, good thing I carry tampons.

00:37:29.900 Ma'am, here you go.

00:37:31.440 Usually, when you hear that, that's somebody going like, hey, it's you.

00:37:38.220 I don't always assume that, but being that we're in a white castle in Kentucky, I'm like,

00:37:43.220 either there's a fight about to break out, or I've just been me.

00:37:46.800 And that's fair.

00:37:47.740 I look like Silent Bob at all times and shit.

00:37:49.480 So I turn around, not like egotistically, like, well, of course it's me, but I'm pretty

00:37:54.340 sure that that hay is directed in my direction.

00:37:56.240 Yeah.

00:37:56.580 No, no!

00:37:57.380 And I turn around, and he goes, just a white castle?

00:38:00.340 And I was like, yeah.

00:38:00.920 And he goes, oh.

00:38:01.560 And he comes over, and he hugs me.

00:38:02.900 And he's like blazed as fuck.

00:38:04.660 He's almost like a character out of one of my flicks and shit.

00:38:06.980 Stoned is traveler of the green.

00:38:08.780 Absolutely lovely.

00:38:10.240 And he goes, you don't remember this, but you took me to the movies once.

00:38:15.020 And I'm like, oh!

00:38:19.100 20 years prior, I was doing a show at the University of Kentucky or whatever, and it was when Changing

00:38:24.840 Lanes was coming out, Ben Affleck movie.

00:38:27.160 So I was like, I'm here for two nights, so tomorrow I got nothing to do.

00:38:31.020 I'm going to go see Changing Lanes at this multiplex.

00:38:33.520 Anybody who wants to come, I'll buy you a ticket and shit.

00:38:36.080 I thought, like, fucking 10 people would show up 11 o'clock in the morning.

00:38:38.660 200 fucking people.

00:38:39.620 So I wound up having to pay for a theater full of people and shit.

00:38:43.220 And a story ran about it in Entertainment Weekly where they were like, there was a huge

00:38:47.540 bump for Changing Lanes in Kentucky, and that's because Kevin Smith took people out.

00:38:51.980 So that dude was there.

00:38:52.960 That's awesome.

00:38:52.980 That's a great story.

00:38:53.560 And I was like, holy shit, man.

00:38:54.660 That's fucking nice seeing you.

00:38:56.040 That's crazy.

00:38:56.680 I never run into people from that.

00:38:59.140 And he goes, I love Affleck, man.

00:39:03.260 He's talking about Changing Lanes.

00:39:04.760 It's a good thing you did for your boys.

00:39:06.240 I love Affleck.

00:39:06.980 He's my Batman.

00:39:07.660 I was like, yeah, man.

00:39:08.940 He's all of our Batmans and stuff.

00:39:11.040 And he goes, he's really going through it right now, our boy, isn't he?

00:39:15.200 Now he's our boy.

00:39:16.180 And I was like, yeah, I guess.

00:39:18.120 I mean, I've seen some articles and stuff.

00:39:20.140 And he goes, we should call him.

00:39:23.440 And I was like, yeah.

00:39:26.520 We don't know.

00:39:28.020 Yeah.

00:39:28.420 Now, you know, as previously mentioned, like I lost my mind a year and a half ago.

00:39:32.340 I went to a mental hospital for a while.

00:39:34.960 Found out at the root of all my issues is I'm a very codependent people pleaser.

00:39:40.720 Crazy.

00:39:41.400 So I came home and told my wife that.

00:39:42.720 She's like, marriage is codependence.

00:39:44.160 I'm like, all right.

00:39:44.680 But really, any doctor will tell you, not right.

00:39:48.460 So I don't know how to feel about myself.

00:39:53.220 I need you to tell me how I feel about me.

00:39:55.220 I don't put on my own mask first.

00:39:56.960 I'm going to put your mask on.

00:39:57.960 I got to take care of everybody before I fucking take care of myself.

00:40:00.120 Because I learned at a young age that I'm only useful if I show utility.

00:40:05.280 If I'm like, I can be useful.

00:40:07.200 I can do this for you.

00:40:07.820 I can make you laugh.

00:40:08.880 I can fucking take care of your bills.

00:40:10.720 I can do this.

00:40:11.580 That is how I know that I'm a worthwhile human being.

00:40:15.800 Yeah.

00:40:15.980 Like there's no just natural value unless I'm producing something.

00:40:20.880 Yes.

00:40:21.320 Unless I'm useful to somebody.

00:40:22.920 What the fuck am I doing and stuff?

00:40:24.400 So, you know, as I'm sitting there and a guy's going, we should call him.

00:40:29.240 You know, a normal human being would be like, well, absolutely.

00:40:31.680 That's out of the question.

00:40:32.580 Yeah.

00:40:32.980 But my people pleasing nature is like, I mean, I guess we should, shouldn't we?

00:40:37.320 Like, I don't want to let this guy down.

00:40:39.100 This guy who I haven't seen in 20 years, don't know his name.

00:40:41.080 He just started going, no, no, in White Castle.

00:40:44.160 So I was like, all right, best of all possible worlds.

00:40:46.540 Let me see if I can get this going.

00:40:47.800 So I was like, all right, you know what?

00:40:49.540 I'm going to call him.

00:40:50.100 So I pull out my phone.

00:40:51.040 I call Jason Mews instead.

00:40:52.940 And so I call Jason and I'm like, Ben, hey man, it's Kevin.

00:40:57.280 I'm in Kentucky at a White Castle and there's a dude here who I took to see Changing Lanes

00:41:02.860 20 years ago.

00:41:04.440 And then I go, Ben, hold on.

00:41:06.240 Jason Mews is texting me.

00:41:07.880 And I pull the phone away and I text to Jason v. Ben Affleck on speaker.

00:41:13.080 And then I go back to the phone and I go, Ben, Jason's fine.

00:41:16.940 He says hi.

00:41:17.840 Anyway, I'm going to put you on speaker.

00:41:19.980 Say hi to my man here.

00:41:21.180 So I put him on speaker.

00:41:22.320 And I was like, go ahead.

00:41:23.060 My man goes, Ben, man, how you doing, man?

00:41:25.900 How you doing?

00:41:26.520 And he goes, Mews, who has worked with Ben Affleck, is friends with Ben Affleck, went

00:41:33.220 to his fucking wedding and shit like that, like knows Ben and what he sounds like.

00:41:38.680 This is Jason Mews' approximation of Ben Affleck on the phone.

00:41:41.900 Yo, yo, yo, this is big Ben Affleck coming at you.

00:41:45.880 Like he was a strip club DJ.

00:41:47.600 And so this guy goes, Ben, man, like I've been reading, like guy bought it.

00:41:53.140 Like he's like, Ben, I've been reading, like, I feel bad for you, man.

00:41:56.420 You got to, you got to just hang in there, man.

00:41:59.140 And he goes, and then Muse goes, well, you know what they say.

00:42:03.620 Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms, yo.

00:42:06.020 And there's a line from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

00:42:08.340 And that guy went nuts.

00:42:10.320 He was like, oh my God, he said that thing.

00:42:12.800 And I was like, he always says that thing.

00:42:15.540 And then, so I was like, we got to, we're going to, we're going to go.

00:42:18.840 And then Jason goes, yeah, I got to go too.

00:42:22.120 Matt Damon's taking me to Target.

00:42:23.840 Bye.

00:42:24.380 And I hung up.

00:42:25.980 And that dude was so delighted, man.

00:42:28.460 So delighted.

00:42:30.060 And he goes, that's awesome.

00:42:31.860 He's going, that was a good thing to do for your friend.

00:42:33.880 He feels good now.

00:42:34.800 We gave him support.

00:42:35.880 And I was like, yeah, you're absolutely right.

00:42:37.760 And then he's like, what about Muse?

00:42:38.880 Can we call Jay now?

00:42:39.940 And I was like, mercifully, the lady was like,

00:42:42.460 six impossibles.

00:42:44.360 Yes, thank you.

00:42:45.240 And out I went and stuff.

00:42:46.740 Oh, that's a sweet story, dude.

00:42:48.500 That made me.

00:42:49.020 It only happened because I was vegan, bro.

00:42:50.680 Oh, it's true.

00:42:51.640 So that's my, there it is.

00:42:53.040 Go vegan.

00:42:53.680 No, don't.

00:42:53.940 That's your pitch for veganism.

00:42:55.420 My pitch, if I had to pitch for it, it would be like,

00:42:58.480 you know, this is the, most people approach things

00:43:01.960 from a position of vanity, right?

00:43:03.680 Like fucking, they don't really truly care about like their health.

00:43:07.060 They just want to look better.

00:43:08.660 Oh, that's interesting.

00:43:09.560 I feel that that's generally the case.

00:43:11.440 So look, it was definitely the case with me.

00:43:15.140 And if we look better, we will feel better.

00:43:17.300 One imagines, but, but really it's not like my whole life

00:43:22.020 prior to the heart attack, you know,

00:43:23.940 I've been on a zillion diets and fucking Optifest.

00:43:26.600 Did any, everything but the surgery

00:43:28.560 because I'm fucking scared of, you know,

00:43:30.280 getting cut and shit like that.

00:43:32.140 So.

00:43:32.440 The lat band surgery you mean?

00:43:33.480 Yeah.

00:43:33.780 Yeah.

00:43:33.940 So like, you know, I've been that person that's like,

00:43:38.720 man, what's the secret?

00:43:39.760 How do you do it?

00:43:40.740 And for years people have just been saying like,

00:43:42.660 oh, you got to eat less and you got to exercise a lot more.

00:43:44.400 I'm like, yeah, I know.

00:43:45.540 But what's the real secret shit?

00:43:46.920 I was never interested in being healthy.

00:43:48.420 I just wanted to look normal like everybody else.

00:43:50.500 Yeah.

00:43:50.700 And now like I've lost weight,

00:43:52.760 but I don't look normal like everybody else.

00:43:54.760 If I took my fucking gear off and shit,

00:43:57.000 like I didn't sound like I could have any surgery.

00:43:59.280 Like I got all this excess fucking skin that just hangs.

00:44:02.740 Does that start to go away?

00:44:03.920 That skin?

00:44:04.420 No.

00:44:05.060 Can you put like vitamin E oil on it or something?

00:44:07.380 I mean, maybe the stretch marks might go away,

00:44:09.580 but like that hanging skin that just hangs.

00:44:12.080 Is there any way to absorb it back in or anything?

00:44:14.360 I think so.

00:44:15.060 With the aid of unstable molecules,

00:44:16.920 if we were in a Marvel fucking comic,

00:44:18.880 but no, bro, no.

00:44:19.800 No, the skin being an organ,

00:44:21.960 it just fucking distends.

00:44:23.440 And if you've distended it, that's it.

00:44:25.140 So you could do this shit.

00:44:26.360 But that's crazy.

00:44:27.280 Well, this is when you go under the knife

00:44:28.780 and they cut it off.

00:44:29.980 And I've had a friend of mine,

00:44:31.220 you know, I'm not at liberty to say,

00:44:32.640 but a friend of mine went through that.

00:44:34.200 And a friend of mine was like,

00:44:35.960 because my friend lost a lot of fucking weight.

00:44:38.240 I think he's talking about it.

00:44:39.540 I don't, but you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know what I'm saying?

00:44:41.740 But, but he was like, I know you do.

00:44:44.580 And I know you threshold for pain.

00:44:45.800 And he's going, you never, ever want to do this.

00:44:47.920 He's going in retrospect,

00:44:48.680 I would never do it again.

00:44:49.800 He's the most pain I've ever been in my entire life.

00:44:52.580 So, all right.

00:44:55.060 We won't put it on if he hasn't said it publicly.

00:44:57.480 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:44:58.280 But right.

00:44:59.180 But, but yes.

00:45:00.260 So.

00:45:00.580 Wow.

00:45:01.960 That guy.

00:45:02.980 Yeah.

00:45:03.420 He's my boy.

00:45:04.660 And.

00:45:04.940 Amazing.

00:45:05.360 He.

00:45:05.900 If you go to the picture on the right,

00:45:07.040 you can see like the one all the way over.

00:45:10.000 That was just there.

00:45:10.980 Sorry.

00:45:11.960 Yeah.

00:45:12.280 That one.

00:45:12.860 Like there's the,

00:45:13.880 the drapey skin,

00:45:14.980 the creping effect.

00:45:16.140 They call it.

00:45:16.640 Oh, interesting.

00:45:17.240 So he looks good.

00:45:18.620 I killed look like that shit.

00:45:20.340 That'd be amazing.

00:45:21.320 Mine is just hanging.

00:45:22.360 Like mine's like,

00:45:23.100 remember the scene in the shining when fucking Nicholson goes to the one room and the gorgeous

00:45:27.840 lady gets out of the tub and they start making out.

00:45:30.380 And then all of a sudden he looks at her and she's like,

00:45:31.900 ah,

00:45:32.300 and she just doubled,

00:45:35.100 like she got droopy fucking.

00:45:37.000 That's what I look like when I take my girl.

00:45:38.980 So that's what my wife gets to fuck.

00:45:40.500 Damn.

00:45:40.940 Hey,

00:45:41.200 lucky her dude.

00:45:41.940 It's almost like fucking like,

00:45:42.920 like one of those cats that doesn't have any hair on it.

00:45:45.120 That's right.

00:45:45.800 Right.

00:45:46.120 I mean,

00:45:46.440 some,

00:45:46.720 and some people like that sort of shit.

00:45:47.940 Oh yeah.

00:45:48.440 That's my wife.

00:45:49.040 I always talk about my wife in regards to like,

00:45:53.080 you know,

00:45:53.400 people ask various people about like,

00:45:56.860 how do you succeed when I'm doing Q and A's or whatever?

00:45:59.120 And I was like,

00:45:59.740 it's,

00:46:00.120 you know,

00:46:00.480 success.

00:46:00.900 You can't guarantee that anyone's ever going to be interested in your

00:46:04.020 bullshit.

00:46:04.900 I don't care who you are.

00:46:06.260 Kevin Feige,

00:46:07.060 that guy that makes all the Marvel movies and shit.

00:46:09.400 Kevin Feige is his name?

00:46:10.320 Kevin Feige.

00:46:11.280 So probably the most successful producer in history.

00:46:13.840 The only Kevin who must be saved at all costs.

00:46:16.180 Cause those movies rock.

00:46:17.900 Even when Deadpool Wolverine was about to open up,

00:46:20.800 which is now making what up 1.3 billion guarantee you Kevin Feige still

00:46:25.220 clenched his asshole and was like,

00:46:26.600 man,

00:46:26.760 I hope they show up because nobody knows for sure.

00:46:29.800 And they've actually experienced one or two movies where the people didn't

00:46:33.240 show up and stuff.

00:46:34.220 So in a world where you can't guarantee that an audience is going to show up,

00:46:38.280 the only audience member you can go out of your way to please is audience

00:46:42.120 member.

00:46:42.440 Number one,

00:46:42.920 that thing only exists because you want to do it.

00:46:45.420 So if you love it,

00:46:47.620 that's how you have to proceed.

00:46:49.540 It's like,

00:46:50.060 I did this for me and I love it.

00:46:52.040 And this is my expression and stuff.

00:46:53.580 And man,

00:46:54.180 I hope others go for it,

00:46:55.260 but this is as good as it's ever going to get.

00:46:57.680 You can't count on people showing up and stuff.

00:47:00.580 So in a world where like,

00:47:01.580 you can't count on an audience showing up,

00:47:04.780 do the thing that nobody's seen before.

00:47:08.820 Nobody's looking at,

00:47:09.860 tell your story.

00:47:10.540 I always tell folks like,

00:47:11.700 you know,

00:47:11.940 when I'm out there,

00:47:12.560 like your voice is your currency,

00:47:15.200 man.

00:47:15.560 Like your voice is how you see the world,

00:47:18.060 your perspective and how you spit it back to the world.

00:47:20.780 It's very unique.

00:47:22.120 Theo has a distinctive fucking voice.

00:47:24.480 Every comedian has a very distinctive voice.

00:47:26.860 You hope most storytellers do and stuff.

00:47:29.980 Public speakers generally,

00:47:31.520 why people gravitate them toward them over and over again is like,

00:47:34.340 I like their perspective.

00:47:35.520 I like what they say.

00:47:36.660 That is as we're sitting in a place where I could drink any fucking

00:47:40.520 Celsius.

00:47:41.080 I want proof positive that fucking your voice is your currency because Theo is

00:47:46.680 spending his fucking currency,

00:47:48.380 right?

00:47:48.860 His voice has built all this after that Celsius.

00:47:51.780 I'm like,

00:47:52.140 you must be the richest man.

00:47:53.180 I know.

00:47:55.680 But we had a,

00:47:56.740 it's a pretty don't undersell.

00:47:59.060 It's a talk.

00:48:00.140 It's taller than me.

00:48:01.980 It's like a New York city apartment.

00:48:04.400 It really is.

00:48:05.680 Somebody would pay at least 1400 bucks for that.

00:48:08.420 Where do you go in Jersey?

00:48:09.720 Cause you're a fucking road King.

00:48:11.380 You're out there.

00:48:12.020 I've been out there for years.

00:48:13.000 You're in Jersey.

00:48:13.920 Where do I go?

00:48:14.260 I've seen for years.

00:48:15.200 Whenever I've been at a club,

00:48:16.240 I've seen your name and shit like that.

00:48:17.780 Now I don't see your name at the clubs anymore,

00:48:19.780 son.

00:48:20.040 Same.

00:48:20.500 Cause you're in the bigger venues.

00:48:22.880 We started getting into bigger venues.

00:48:24.300 Oh,

00:48:24.540 heavens.

00:48:24.840 Yeah.

00:48:25.000 And that's been interesting.

00:48:26.320 So where's Jersey for you?

00:48:27.540 Where do you do a show?

00:48:28.640 Jersey?

00:48:29.040 Let me think Red Bank.

00:48:30.240 Yeah.

00:48:30.760 That's my fucking town,

00:48:32.460 bro.

00:48:32.620 That's number one where I was born.

00:48:33.780 Number two,

00:48:34.060 where Jay and Silent Bob secret stash,

00:48:35.480 the comic book store I've had for 27 fucking years is in that town.

00:48:39.020 So you're talking about doing the Count Basie.

00:48:40.760 Yes.

00:48:41.360 Count Basie theater and the Vogel is right next door and shit like that.

00:48:43.860 Yeah.

00:48:43.980 That's where we went to.

00:48:44.760 Next time,

00:48:45.080 no bullshit.

00:48:45.680 Next time you do Count Basie,

00:48:48.180 please let me know.

00:48:49.000 I have a movie theater.

00:48:49.940 That's like fucking 20 minutes from there.

00:48:53.280 15 minutes.

00:48:53.800 You grew up,

00:48:54.400 you had something you grew,

00:48:55.120 you grew up going to movie theater that I grew up going to,

00:48:57.740 uh,

00:48:58.120 with my friends and one of the one,

00:48:59.620 my dad took me to when I was a kid and whatnot.

00:49:01.920 The one where I,

00:49:02.600 so cool.

00:49:03.080 Oh,

00:49:03.320 it's beautiful.

00:49:03.740 And they were going to kill it and close it after COVID.

00:49:05.780 It's over a hundred years old.

00:49:07.680 So me and my friends got in and saved it.

00:49:09.480 It's called spot castle cinemas and whatnot.

00:49:11.600 And,

00:49:11.980 uh,

00:49:12.160 we,

00:49:12.400 we do shit all the time.

00:49:13.300 We just did vulgar thumb,

00:49:14.360 which is like show every view of skew universe movies with clerks,

00:49:16.940 small wretch chasing Amy dogma,

00:49:19.380 Jane silent Bob,

00:49:20.200 Shrek back clerks to Jane silent Bob reboot and clerks three.

00:49:23.500 So eight movies,

00:49:24.500 16 hours of movies.

00:49:25.660 We started at like Saturday morning at nine.

00:49:28.440 We finished Sunday at like five in the morning,

00:49:31.640 700 fucking people in four different theaters and shit like that.

00:49:34.800 Nobody that's awesome.

00:49:35.840 So it's fun for,

00:49:37.060 for shit like that.

00:49:38.040 So we've,

00:49:39.380 that we've had comedy there.

00:49:40.720 I've done shows there.

00:49:41.680 We've somebody shot a standup special there and whatnot.

00:49:44.200 So if you're going to be in fucking red bag,

00:49:46.940 Oh my God,

00:49:47.480 I'll bring you over and we'll do a like watch with Theo thing.

00:49:50.100 You pick a favorite movie and shit.

00:49:51.460 We'll show it.

00:49:52.020 And then you show up and then we just sit around bullshit.

00:49:54.420 Dude,

00:49:54.620 I would probably pick family,

00:49:55.980 man.

00:49:56.160 I like that movie.

00:49:56.820 Have you seen it with Nicholas Cage?

00:49:58.480 Yeah.

00:49:58.740 It's beautiful.

00:49:59.400 Fucking.

00:49:59.760 Oh,

00:50:00.400 that's really,

00:50:00.900 as a Brett Ratner movie that a lot of people never talk about anymore.

00:50:04.360 I thought that was one of his,

00:50:05.980 I remember correctly,

00:50:07.000 but I remember the movie.

00:50:08.060 It's very,

00:50:08.600 uh,

00:50:08.800 it's a wonderful life.

00:50:09.760 It's a,

00:50:09.980 yes.

00:50:10.580 It's kind of like that vibe.

00:50:12.100 Is that the shit you fuck with?

00:50:13.120 Yeah.

00:50:13.340 I really like that.

00:50:14.320 That,

00:50:14.580 that,

00:50:14.760 that's probably my favorite movie.

00:50:16.060 I think I like league of their own.

00:50:17.840 I love league of their own.

00:50:19.620 I fucking,

00:50:20.620 um,

00:50:21.220 lived across the street from Penny Marshall for years.

00:50:23.900 And when I was like in my heyday of podcasts and whatnot,

00:50:27.500 I,

00:50:27.860 you know,

00:50:28.240 we started doing it at the house all the time.

00:50:29.980 So she came over.

00:50:31.220 So again,

00:50:31.540 she like lived right across the street and shit.

00:50:33.240 Penny Marshall,

00:50:33.860 bring her up.

00:50:34.480 I got to talk to her about league of their own.

00:50:36.920 Just sit there.

00:50:37.300 Cause Penny Marshall had this brilliant,

00:50:38.860 like every once in a while,

00:50:39.640 directors hit strong in threes and have like bang,

00:50:42.980 bang,

00:50:43.260 bang.

00:50:43.660 Penny Marshall had big awakenings and a league of their own back to back to back.

00:50:49.340 She's a pretty fascinating lady.

00:50:50.860 It's just,

00:50:51.320 this was Laverne and Shirley.

00:50:52.580 She,

00:50:52.800 she was Laverne of Laverne and Shirley.

00:50:54.940 And then she became a director later and spent most of her,

00:50:57.660 her career as a director after doing that show for what?

00:51:01.200 10 seasons or whatever.

00:51:02.400 Dude,

00:51:02.680 we went and saw,

00:51:03.520 we went to the town where,

00:51:04.820 um,

00:51:06.040 where,

00:51:06.600 uh,

00:51:07.220 Rockford,

00:51:07.880 we went to Rockford,

00:51:08.600 Illinois and went to the museum there and went and saw like all the Rockford Peaches memorabilia and shit.

00:51:13.160 Are you serious?

00:51:13.880 Yeah.

00:51:14.160 It's pretty,

00:51:14.540 pretty cool stuff.

00:51:15.340 I love that movie.

00:51:16.220 Do you cry when you watch that movie?

00:51:17.760 Um,

00:51:18.200 are you allowed to cry?

00:51:18.820 A league of their own?

00:51:19.660 Yeah.

00:51:19.960 Are you,

00:51:20.480 are you fucking butch dude and shit?

00:51:22.320 No,

00:51:22.500 I'll cry a lot.

00:51:23.180 I get made fun of on the internet for crying for not only just crying,

00:51:25.780 but then I post pictures of myself crying.

00:51:27.440 Like I saw Black Panther 2 and I came out and I took a picture in front of the poster and I was teary eyed.

00:51:31.980 Like two days,

00:51:33.300 fucking the internet was like,

00:51:34.400 you cuck fuck.

00:51:35.820 Like how dare you?

00:51:36.880 They were very angry at me for that.

00:51:38.620 Yeah.

00:51:38.800 I cried.

00:51:39.360 I mean,

00:51:39.620 I,

00:51:39.880 if I saw it,

00:51:40.380 yeah,

00:51:40.500 I mean,

00:51:40.680 I'll cry all the,

00:51:41.300 I mean,

00:51:41.440 yeah,

00:51:41.640 I've cried.

00:51:42.500 But you won't put it out there.

00:51:43.520 I've been crying.

00:51:44.240 I mean,

00:51:44.580 yeah,

00:51:44.800 there's too many clips of me crying online.

00:51:47.060 Is that right?

00:51:47.940 Yeah.

00:51:48.200 What makes you cry?

00:51:49.400 Oh,

00:51:49.580 just like thinking about stuff or talking about stuff.

00:51:52.740 Like,

00:51:53.340 um,

00:51:53.820 I don't know,

00:51:54.200 like earlier we were talking about like people pleasing,

00:51:56.020 like thinking about,

00:51:57.380 um,

00:51:57.680 do you got issues,

00:51:58.360 got MH issues,

00:51:59.420 mental health.

00:51:59.980 Oh yeah.

00:52:00.600 First of all,

00:52:01.060 hold on.

00:52:01.280 There's a couple of questions I want to ask.

00:52:02.340 So don't forget.

00:52:03.160 One is what are some of the signs if people are getting sick or something that you feel

00:52:07.060 like you neglected so that people can heart attack side or head side,

00:52:10.240 heart attack,

00:52:11.060 heart attack,

00:52:12.000 heart attack,

00:52:13.300 sweating profusely,

00:52:14.560 which I did quite a lot as a man who was over 300 pounds.

00:52:18.360 Um,

00:52:19.540 not being able to catch your breath.

00:52:21.360 I referred to it as I couldn't quite ring the bell.

00:52:23.940 Like,

00:52:24.360 you know,

00:52:24.540 you bang and fucking bing that game at the fucking fair.

00:52:28.560 Oh yeah.

00:52:28.860 Yeah.

00:52:29.400 Felt like I'd be like bang,

00:52:30.840 hitting it hard and be like,

00:52:32.720 and then just come back down.

00:52:33.820 So I couldn't hit the top.

00:52:35.040 Couldn't quite catch my breath.

00:52:36.340 So to speak.

00:52:37.460 Um,

00:52:37.860 I was looking for the numbness in the arm because I was raised watching fucking Sanford and

00:52:43.840 son.

00:52:44.160 So Elizabeth,

00:52:45.280 this is the big one.

00:52:46.060 And that's what he always did.

00:52:46.960 Clutch his arm and did this shit that never happened.

00:52:49.500 Never felt that nausea.

00:52:51.240 Also like I wound up throwing up and I didn't have anything in my stomach.

00:52:54.760 So it was just bile.

00:52:56.360 Um,

00:52:56.800 these very subtle things that like,

00:52:58.940 I hate bile,

00:52:59.760 dude.

00:53:00.040 Totally.

00:53:00.420 But you would,

00:53:00.980 you could mistake that for like,

00:53:02.420 Oh,

00:53:02.720 I was nervous or fucking.

00:53:04.660 Maybe I had some bad milks.

00:53:06.020 I was a big milk drinker in those days.

00:53:08.000 So you could,

00:53:09.380 Oh,

00:53:09.480 there's nothing watching a big fella drink milk.

00:53:11.440 Dude.

00:53:12.400 Can we just,

00:53:13.100 you would have been turned on,

00:53:14.120 bro.

00:53:14.420 Seriously.

00:53:14.900 I don't know how,

00:53:15.800 which way you swing.

00:53:16.460 You would have watched me drinking the milk on the beard and stuff.

00:53:19.700 You'd been like,

00:53:20.320 I'm going bare.

00:53:22.020 Cause you're a total otter type.

00:53:23.520 And it could have worked.

00:53:24.720 An otter in the gay community.

00:53:26.600 Yeah.

00:53:27.080 If I had to,

00:53:28.200 yeah.

00:53:28.400 Like Scott Mosher,

00:53:29.520 people would always tell me,

00:53:30.520 Hey man,

00:53:30.840 he's there you go,

00:53:31.940 son.

00:53:32.600 Come on.

00:53:32.960 That looks like a good time.

00:53:34.220 And I know a lot of people would look at that and be like,

00:53:36.240 this guy's fucking nuts,

00:53:37.260 but he's living his best fucking life.

00:53:39.000 Have you ever been that happy?

00:53:40.640 I've been listening to like that fucking song that was at the end of,

00:53:43.880 uh,

00:53:44.300 of guardians of the galaxy three and that's Florence and the machine.

00:53:48.540 And it's,

00:53:49.360 uh,

00:53:49.620 keep going.

00:53:55.240 Bullet in the back.

00:53:56.920 Let's just stop and appreciate that.

00:53:58.700 The poetry of that line.

00:53:59.840 All right.

00:54:01.220 Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

00:54:04.700 When was the last time you were ever hit by the happiness bullet?

00:54:09.880 That's a good question,

00:54:10.960 man.

00:54:11.120 I went to this recently.

00:54:12.280 I went to this,

00:54:12.840 um,

00:54:13.080 I mean happy to,

00:54:14.040 like,

00:54:14.400 cause you,

00:54:14.960 I'm sure every day you wake up and you're like,

00:54:16.480 I'm Theo fucking fine.

00:54:17.520 Like,

00:54:17.720 Holy shit.

00:54:18.220 My mouth,

00:54:18.900 I use my mouth on people and I'm rich now.

00:54:21.000 Yeah.

00:54:21.180 And it's not for BJ and well,

00:54:23.740 oral's oral.

00:54:24.480 My friend,

00:54:24.940 you're in the mouth service business.

00:54:27.400 Paint it any way you want.

00:54:29.340 We're all whores.

00:54:30.380 Yeah.

00:54:30.660 Being chatty is just a real drawn out blowjob.

00:54:32.040 I'm talking about being satisfied with the job and stuff.

00:54:34.400 I'm talking about like true fucking happiness that has nothing to do with who you are.

00:54:39.860 Like my friend,

00:54:40.380 Scott Mosher at one point,

00:54:41.440 he was just like,

00:54:42.160 what do you want to do?

00:54:44.300 If you could do anything in the world.

00:54:45.840 Is this my cast co-host?

00:54:47.040 Yeah.

00:54:47.860 Uh,

00:54:48.120 one of the smartest people I've ever known.

00:54:49.520 He said,

00:54:50.000 if you could do anything you wanted,

00:54:51.920 he's going,

00:54:52.360 you almost died a few years ago.

00:54:53.600 So if you do anything you wanted,

00:54:55.420 what would make you happy?

00:54:57.820 And he goes,

00:54:58.520 but it can't have anything to do with being Kevin Smith for a living or the movies or any of that.

00:55:05.880 He's gone.

00:55:06.340 I'm just talking like normal ass shit.

00:55:08.240 And that fucking,

00:55:09.620 that rocked my world for a few days.

00:55:11.480 I couldn't come up with an answer necessarily.

00:55:13.320 The best answer I could come up with was I was like,

00:55:15.820 what would make me happy?

00:55:17.500 Like if I had a conversation with my father and he's dead 20 years and not because I'm like,

00:55:21.700 we could settle issues,

00:55:22.540 but that'd be fucking wonderful and shit.

00:55:24.160 But I had to reach into fiction and to the impossible to find something.

00:55:29.760 And I would ask other people,

00:55:30.820 I asked my brother,

00:55:31.920 my brother without missing a beat.

00:55:33.080 He's like,

00:55:33.380 Oh,

00:55:33.500 I'd go on a world cruise.

00:55:35.020 And I was like,

00:55:35.540 what's that?

00:55:35.920 He's like,

00:55:36.140 it's exactly what it sounds like.

00:55:37.160 You just cruise around the world for like a year.

00:55:38.900 Yeah.

00:55:39.340 On a boat.

00:55:40.260 But he knew.

00:55:41.640 And I've,

00:55:42.060 I,

00:55:42.280 other people I talked to were like,

00:55:43.800 Oh,

00:55:44.020 I do this.

00:55:44.980 It's a good normal ass things that are within one's doing.

00:55:49.800 And I think my fucking radar is busted.

00:55:52.420 And I imagine yours is as well because the idea of what makes others happy or what makes a person happy is shattered when you can wake up and whimsy about something and create it.

00:56:06.560 And just by dreaming about it and doing it or putting a podcast together,

00:56:10.900 sitting around speaking your mind,

00:56:13.000 you've gotten paid and you've gotten a bunch of people going like,

00:56:16.380 we fucking like,

00:56:17.340 we support you and shit like that.

00:56:19.300 When that scale exists,

00:56:23.680 it's,

00:56:24.220 I found,

00:56:25.560 and I,

00:56:26.660 the more I speak to other creatives,

00:56:28.200 like after the fucking going to the mental hospital,

00:56:30.000 now I feel freer to talk to others about it and shit.

00:56:33.580 Where it's like,

00:56:35.220 I'm not saying like life can't make you happy,

00:56:38.620 but when you've had that ability,

00:56:41.160 and there's a certain happiness that goes along with financial success,

00:56:47.260 creative success,

00:56:48.240 personal success,

00:56:50.080 when your highs are like,

00:56:54.920 um,

00:56:55.320 oh,

00:56:55.600 let's get Alan Rickman to be in dogma.

00:56:59.280 It's tough to find a normal high.

00:57:04.380 You know what I'm saying?

00:57:05.240 Like,

00:57:05.500 yeah,

00:57:07.080 it's interesting,

00:57:07.760 man.

00:57:07.920 I think that,

00:57:08.560 is that 1% fucking rarefied view thinking?

00:57:12.820 No,

00:57:13.140 I don't know if I feel,

00:57:14.000 does that make me instantly unrelatable?

00:57:15.740 No,

00:57:16.200 I just think it makes it make sense.

00:57:17.880 Like if you,

00:57:18.860 if you've had interesting things that would,

00:57:21.120 most people would seem like are,

00:57:23.440 um,

00:57:24.780 would make people happy,

00:57:26.080 or we all believe would make us happy.

00:57:28.220 Then it makes sense then that you might have a tougher time finding certain happiness.

00:57:33.420 You know,

00:57:33.900 I don't know what I would do probably like something that would really,

00:57:37.740 really make me happy.

00:57:39.340 Um,

00:57:40.300 I don't know.

00:57:42.460 Uh,

00:57:43.540 isn't that crazy?

00:57:44.400 You can ask anybody listening to the show.

00:57:46.660 Maybe giving a hug to my brother or something like that,

00:57:48.740 or taking a walk with my brother somewhere.

00:57:50.980 Is your brother,

00:57:51.620 your brother,

00:57:52.460 you're your brother tight.

00:57:53.520 Yeah,

00:57:53.720 we're close.

00:57:54.500 So I think something like that.

00:57:56.400 Um,

00:57:57.160 what else?

00:57:58.260 Spending time with,

00:57:59.620 uh,

00:58:00.180 like a teacher or something that I grew up with.

00:58:02.500 Um,

00:58:04.460 yeah,

00:58:04.980 probably if I got to see my dad again or something like that,

00:58:07.300 I mean,

00:58:07.460 that's,

00:58:07.880 you know,

00:58:08.160 my dad passed away too.

00:58:09.300 So like,

00:58:09.980 yeah,

00:58:10.140 I think if,

00:58:10.680 if there was something like that,

00:58:11.680 I think it would make me like really happy.

00:58:13.920 Maybe having a,

00:58:15.360 uh,

00:58:15.700 crazy that we have to reach into the grave to be like,

00:58:17.980 well,

00:58:18.060 that would make me really happy.

00:58:19.160 Yeah.

00:58:19.620 But also the impossible being in love with somebody probably.

00:58:23.200 Are you,

00:58:23.540 are you?

00:58:24.140 No,

00:58:24.440 I'm not.

00:58:24.880 I have a tough,

00:58:25.200 yeah,

00:58:25.400 I,

00:58:25.560 I have a,

00:58:25.960 I,

00:58:26.260 I have a tough,

00:58:27.360 like,

00:58:27.660 uh,

00:58:28.340 Dick.

00:58:29.180 I wish,

00:58:30.080 huh?

00:58:30.300 Tough dick.

00:58:31.080 Chicks are like,

00:58:31.680 I ain't into that tough dick shit.

00:58:33.060 Look at this.

00:58:34.440 That's what my dick does.

00:58:35.640 Tough.

00:58:36.660 My dick has a brass,

00:58:37.900 just one brass knuckle on it.

00:58:39.900 No,

00:58:40.300 I don't know.

00:58:40.800 Yeah.

00:58:40.920 Probably having a family,

00:58:42.000 being able to be happy and have a family shit like that.

00:58:44.500 Wouldn't one brass knuckle essentially be a cock ring?

00:58:46.840 Yeah,

00:58:47.000 it probably would.

00:58:47.400 But you know what?

00:58:48.860 I think I like your cell better because cock ring,

00:58:51.200 some people,

00:58:51.560 I don't fuck with that.

00:58:52.300 But if you're like,

00:58:52.760 how would you like one brass knuckle on your dick?

00:58:54.460 A lot of people are like,

00:58:55.400 as long as it's my choice,

00:58:57.040 I don't want your brass knuckle on my dick.

00:58:59.340 When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof,

00:59:02.420 like a low or all birds or skims or,

00:59:08.540 um,

00:59:09.440 what's the one like those little yogurts?

00:59:12.020 Um,

00:59:13.100 well,

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00:59:16.260 a cool brand and brilliant marketing,

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01:00:17.520 You know,

01:00:18.500 I've had experience with bad habits over the years.

01:00:21.620 You know it and I'm okay.

01:00:23.460 It's I'm alive,

01:00:25.060 thankfully.

01:00:26.100 Um,

01:00:26.680 but one thing I want to do when I look at my future is I want to have good habits in it.

01:00:32.640 I want to have a healthy future.

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01:01:54.620 Say ciao to your bad habits today.

01:01:57.560 So you obviously have been a big comic guy and in that whole zeitgeist

01:02:02.460 and it's been a big part of what made you, you, right?

01:02:06.920 Honestly, like I was into that shit.

01:02:08.780 Like if you watch Mallrats in 95, it's a big part of it and stuff.

01:02:11.760 And the culture wasn't.

01:02:13.220 Like the culture was like comic books.

01:02:14.500 Those are for kids.

01:02:15.420 I just got real fucking lucky in that, you know, about 15 years ago,

01:02:18.920 the culture shifted into all the shit that I was already into and well-versed in.

01:02:24.320 So I got like a free fucking ride for about a good 15, 20 years on a geek train

01:02:29.340 that like I never had to make a comic book book.

01:02:31.540 Right.

01:02:32.100 I've directed some comic book shows like Supergirl, Flash and stuff like that.

01:02:35.660 But like really it's just I was insanely well-positioned

01:02:39.160 because I was waving the flag for this shit when people were like,

01:02:41.940 what do you mean?

01:02:42.940 Yeah.

01:02:43.540 Yeah.

01:02:43.960 That's lucky when what you do meets.

01:02:46.220 Very lucky when the culture.

01:02:46.940 Yes.

01:02:47.620 It's the same as.

01:02:48.540 Do you feel that is where you are right now?

01:02:51.020 No.

01:02:51.400 Do you feel you were an overnight success or it was like 10 years of a thing

01:02:55.520 before fucking?

01:02:56.380 Oh, yeah.

01:02:56.960 It was a long time.

01:02:58.280 You don't feel you're in the fucking zone right now?

01:03:00.480 Like in terms of like the man has met the moment and vice versa?

01:03:04.860 I don't know.

01:03:05.700 I guess because I don't know what my end goals are sometimes.

01:03:09.360 I see it when I look at a guy like Joe Rogan to drop his name again.

01:03:13.840 And you can use it a few times too.

01:03:15.740 Twice.

01:03:16.240 Twice in one time.

01:03:16.820 But because he got into UFC and that rose.

01:03:20.660 And I think it rose.

01:03:21.560 He helped.

01:03:22.400 He also helped it rise.

01:03:23.840 But to be fair, yeah.

01:03:24.940 I'm not saying I'm Joe Rogan, but I too did the labor of love just like him.

01:03:30.220 That's what I'm saying.

01:03:30.860 Once again, though.

01:03:31.720 It reminds me of that.

01:03:32.860 He found a way to monetize his passions where I think he's probably indispensable to the UFC.

01:03:39.600 When he comments, do they pay him?

01:03:42.760 They must.

01:03:43.160 I'm pretty sure they must have a deal, like an overall deal.

01:03:45.880 Not only he may have put in the work and shit, but now he's financially remunerated.

01:03:49.500 Well, he was fighting.

01:03:50.540 He was in on it early.

01:03:51.640 He trained.

01:03:52.440 Early adoption.

01:03:52.700 And then he started talking.

01:03:53.880 I remember going like the kids at my school that you knew were going to probably die young

01:03:58.360 or whatever they say.

01:04:00.160 You had those.

01:04:00.900 They were the ones watching that on the weekend.

01:04:03.780 Like, come watch it.

01:04:04.680 It's like, it's like, you know, Willie, the fucking, you know, short Willie versus fucking

01:04:10.120 the violent homo or something.

01:04:13.380 Like, that's like, who are these guys?

01:04:14.920 And it would be like one guy would be like 400 pounds fighting a guy that was like 120

01:04:18.960 pounds.

01:04:19.440 And it would just be like a massacre, you know?

01:04:21.600 But that's when the UFC, there wasn't weight classes, all of that.

01:04:24.680 And so.

01:04:25.020 Look at, look at him.

01:04:26.020 What a puppet.

01:04:26.620 It's like his news radio days.

01:04:28.280 Yeah.

01:04:28.500 I mean, he's a handsome guy.

01:04:29.600 My, I believe me, I understand who Joe Rogan is today and I love that, but.

01:04:34.980 But you knew him back then?

01:04:36.400 Well, I mean, my first introduction to Joe Rogan was on news radio and I fucking love

01:04:41.760 news radio.

01:04:42.300 It's one of my favorite sitcoms ever produced.

01:04:44.440 So I've watched, and they only had about four seasons max or something.

01:04:48.720 So you could, it's not like, you know, fucking friends where you can do 12 seasons.

01:04:53.480 You could get through it.

01:04:54.880 You can go enjoy it.

01:04:55.780 In a day and then start it again and shit.

01:04:57.700 So Joe was like, that's how I first knew him and knew about him and stuff.

01:05:02.140 And then the podcasting thing, you know, I remember going on the show in the early days

01:05:06.420 and every time I've ever been on and he's, you know, clearly there's a reason why the

01:05:11.060 fucking man is at the top of the game.

01:05:12.720 He's just interesting and interested.

01:05:15.120 He's interested.

01:05:16.440 He's genuinely curious.

01:05:17.960 Yeah.

01:05:18.280 That's the worst.

01:05:19.020 But he's, he's curious, but he also like fucking hits you with shit where you're like,

01:05:22.220 no, like he's just that guy at the party where he's, you're,

01:05:27.700 you know, slowly the crowd gravitates around him, whether he's trying to magnetize him

01:05:33.440 and whether he's putting on a show or not, because he's just interesting.

01:05:36.340 Got a lot of information.

01:05:37.380 He's like a thoroughfare for information.

01:05:38.860 He's like an airport for information and he retains information really well.

01:05:42.120 And he's genuinely curious.

01:05:43.460 You'll kind of say something and then he'll ask you about it.

01:05:45.180 And you're almost like, fuck, now I have to say something about this.

01:05:48.600 He was the first one that did this shit though, where somebody you're talking and then all

01:05:52.080 of a sudden he's like, look that up.

01:05:54.100 And somebody, there was a reference person like helping out.

01:05:57.840 We didn't have that in the early days.

01:05:59.360 Yeah.

01:06:00.680 I, a lot of the, like, I feel like there's less comedy movies these days.

01:06:05.860 Would you agree with that?

01:06:07.460 No.

01:06:08.280 I think there are less movies period.

01:06:09.820 Okay.

01:06:10.000 Is it a lot of, like, there's a lot of almost comic book type movies and universes that are

01:06:19.300 the, those are the movies now.

01:06:21.160 Yeah.

01:06:21.600 Does that feel weird to you?

01:06:23.200 Because they're not weird to you.

01:06:24.220 You're like, what are your thoughts on that?

01:06:25.200 That it's like, I don't know if one, like, like has eliminated the other, but it's just

01:06:32.280 kind of, um, like, why is that?

01:06:35.700 Why do we see these big, huge things?

01:06:37.720 But it's, it feels tougher to, for somebody to create, um, just like a good comedy these

01:06:44.760 days.

01:06:45.260 I think good comedy went TV into streaming, um, because they needed to fill coffers quick,

01:06:53.160 you know, fill programming schedules quick.

01:06:55.220 So, or like did, did the Marvel universes and all the comic book universes, did they kill

01:07:00.220 off like this, the, the guy, a hundred percent.

01:07:03.020 No, uh, studios like to make money.

01:07:06.880 They're in the business to make money.

01:07:08.700 I don't think a comic book movie has made them go like, let's give up on the middle,

01:07:12.640 mid range.

01:07:13.380 They're just like, look, more risk, more reward.

01:07:16.620 And then when I first started, you had, there was television, there was movies.

01:07:20.360 Now there are many more options and many more places to go.

01:07:24.640 So instead of doing, you know, and, and you'll see it like an eight or six or eight episode

01:07:30.020 show where you're like, could have done in three.

01:07:32.300 It's because like a lot of people are like, all right, I'm going to take my idea that

01:07:35.700 was for a feature and stretch it out into a show.

01:07:39.140 So I think, you know, nevermind comedy, I'd be more curious, Hey, where'd the indie film

01:07:46.760 go?

01:07:47.560 Yeah.

01:07:47.700 Um, but I think the indie film moved, was taken over by Netflix.

01:07:53.820 Once Netflix came in, number one, they started buying cheap movies and number two, they started

01:07:58.660 making programming.

01:07:59.940 That was kind of interesting.

01:08:01.120 They went to other countries and they were like, who are your top filmmakers?

01:08:03.960 Here's money.

01:08:04.440 Go make TV shows and stuff.

01:08:06.200 And that's where all the interesting ideas are going and finding a home.

01:08:10.720 You're a, somebody who wants to tell an offbeat story and you're looking at this Sisyphean

01:08:16.200 task of like, I got to roll this fucking boulder up the hill.

01:08:18.960 Like every time I make a movie, it's like, fuck, here we go.

01:08:22.160 It's going to be fucking tough.

01:08:23.860 Or you walk into these cats and they're like, what's it about?

01:08:27.160 How esoteric is it?

01:08:28.420 Interesting.

01:08:30.040 Go ahead.

01:08:31.240 Can you make it six episodes?

01:08:32.340 Can you make it eight?

01:08:34.160 That's preferable.

01:08:35.360 And that's where all the interesting programming has slowly gravitated to.

01:08:39.300 Now, so you're saying some of the indie movies have actually become television shows.

01:08:42.880 I think indie filmmakers or people that make things off the beaten path stories that don't

01:08:47.760 necessarily fall into the big budget equation have wound up going to streaming.

01:08:53.420 Like, you know, what was fucking Jason Bateman's show?

01:08:56.320 Ozark.

01:08:56.940 Yeah.

01:08:57.300 It's an indie film.

01:08:58.360 This just happens to be a series that went on for a bunch of episodes because they're

01:09:01.900 like, hey, we like it.

01:09:03.080 Do it again.

01:09:03.600 Instead of getting a sequel, you just get another season.

01:09:05.300 That's a good point.

01:09:06.160 It's like, it was almost like there's a secret gay guy at the lake.

01:09:09.380 It was like people playing gay clue at the lake.

01:09:11.420 Remember?

01:09:12.100 Because like that one guy.

01:09:13.160 In Ozark?

01:09:13.960 Yeah.

01:09:14.420 I didn't watch the whole show.

01:09:15.360 I was just using it as an example.

01:09:16.720 It started to get redundant.

01:09:18.120 Like it started to get.

01:09:18.720 But now, for some reason, I really want to play gay clue.

01:09:21.580 Does that exist?

01:09:22.540 No, they should have that, right?

01:09:23.940 Right.

01:09:25.300 Like he did it.

01:09:26.120 Yeah.

01:09:26.580 It was like.

01:09:27.840 What do you use the candlestick for?

01:09:29.240 They'll like find out.

01:09:30.380 Yeah.

01:09:32.120 Samuel's been in the billiard room for a while.

01:09:34.700 In the conservatory.

01:09:36.820 Not being very conservative.

01:09:38.240 Wow.

01:09:38.600 I've never used that to cue my pool stick before.

01:09:42.480 What's that thing called?

01:09:43.700 To chalk?

01:09:44.280 I've never used it.

01:09:45.200 I've never chalked that way.

01:09:46.180 Yeah.

01:09:48.400 So that's interesting.

01:09:50.240 I think that's part of it.

01:09:51.400 Believe me, I'm not like.

01:09:52.180 And that's exactly what happened.

01:09:53.580 No, it's cool though.

01:09:54.300 I think that's part of it.

01:09:55.560 I think Netflix came in, disrupted the business, as we all know, in a way that at first people

01:10:02.160 were like, yeah, and now people are like, wait a second, in the aftermath, nothing existed

01:10:06.380 the way that existed before.

01:10:08.780 Television viewership is like down to almost nothing, so much so that major studios are

01:10:14.320 writing off entire network divisions and stuff like that, devaluing television in order

01:10:20.420 to get a write-off.

01:10:21.160 So once Netflix came in and said, hey, this is how we're doing it, and then every other

01:10:27.020 company was like, well, shit, we got to do what they're doing, and they started doing

01:10:29.640 streaming and whatnot, it just really, it broke the model.

01:10:33.200 It's kind of nuts.

01:10:34.140 So right now, I think if you're a person that likes to tell off the beaten path stories,

01:10:40.760 or what we used to call back in the day, an indie filmmaker, now's the time to shine.

01:10:44.980 I think there's a moment that's going on right now where entertainment, like the way people

01:10:49.700 are getting their entertainment, of course, has completely changed over the last 10 years,

01:10:52.780 but theatrical consumption has been way off since COVID, and some people wonder if like,

01:10:58.300 will people ever go back to movies the way they used to, and blah, blah, blah.

01:11:01.840 They're not going to go unless you give them something they can't get anyplace else.

01:11:06.140 So they'll go to the theaters to see Deadpool Wolverine, because like, I ain't going to be

01:11:09.420 able to watch this at home for like six months, so fuck it.

01:11:12.240 But what if you tell them a story going back to your voices, your currency, they've never

01:11:17.020 heard before, and the only place they could see it is in a theater.

01:11:19.300 And right now, theaters are hurting, so they'll fucking take anybody.

01:11:22.800 It doesn't matter.

01:11:23.460 It used to be tough to get screens.

01:11:25.140 Now, are you fucking kidding me?

01:11:26.380 You can make a deal with AMC, a private deal with your own independent movie, where you're

01:11:30.760 like, can I get 100 screens, and we'll do a door split or whatever the fuck?

01:11:35.380 It's possible, because movie theaters, as a movie theater exhibitor, I know this for a

01:11:38.960 fact, we would kill or die to have people come in.

01:11:40.940 You know, back in the day, I made this movie, The 430 Movie, and it's about how in the 80s-

01:11:45.500 This is your new film.

01:11:46.140 This is the new film that's coming out September 13th.

01:11:48.360 In the 80s, we used to pay for one movie and then jump from theater to theater to theater

01:11:53.120 and go see movies for free.

01:11:55.360 I own that movie theater that I used to do that in.

01:11:58.020 We'd get caught, and you might get the risk of being banned from that theater for fucking

01:12:02.160 life.

01:12:02.960 If I caught you walking into another movie theater after you paid for only one movie theater

01:12:07.320 in my movie theater, I'd be like, that's great.

01:12:08.920 Just buy some popcorn, would you?

01:12:10.300 You could stay as long as you fucking want.

01:12:12.520 Call your friends.

01:12:13.160 Have them come.

01:12:14.200 Just to get fucking bodies through the goddamn door.

01:12:17.320 So it's, yeah, this is a bit of a different world at this point.

01:12:20.800 But imagine you're an indie filmmaker who wants to say the thing nobody has ever fucking said

01:12:27.000 before in a film, per se.

01:12:29.040 We're just using film as an example.

01:12:31.060 Fuck, now is your time.

01:12:32.220 Like, you could actually make a thing and have it be in a goddamn movie theater.

01:12:36.820 And then if you do even the tiniest bit of business with your movie in a movie theater

01:12:40.400 these days, that's a fucking story.

01:12:42.880 And that also has, it's been proven, like, through the algorithm, when Amazon did Air,

01:12:49.680 Ben Affleck's movie Air.

01:12:51.280 They put it in theaters and they spent-

01:12:52.940 AIR.

01:12:53.460 AIR.

01:12:54.120 About Air Jordans, the history of the Air Jordans sneaker.

01:12:56.860 They put it in theaters traditionally and spent money on advertising, even though Amazon has

01:13:03.120 Prime and really, they probably thought it would go right there.

01:13:06.700 But they were like, you know what?

01:13:08.040 Let's see what it would be like to release a movie.

01:13:11.740 Like, you know, Amazon and other streamers broke the theatrical model.

01:13:14.740 And here they're going, like, wouldn't it be novel?

01:13:17.160 Like us with Smodcast going, like, wouldn't it be weird if somebody paid for an ad on our

01:13:20.780 show?

01:13:21.240 These cats are like, wouldn't it be novel if we put the movie out and paid for ads and people

01:13:25.120 saw a trailer and then went to the movies to see it?

01:13:28.460 Would it make it more valuable when we then put it on Prime?

01:13:32.120 And it did, naturally.

01:13:33.880 They found the same thing out on Netflix.

01:13:36.240 Movies that go the traditional route, the way that everybody expects.

01:13:39.200 I've seen a commercial for that on TV.

01:13:41.100 That will be a primary choice on Netflix rather than a Netflix made-for-Netflix movie that

01:13:46.620 may have the biggest fucking stars on the planet in it, but you will pass it by.

01:13:51.560 Yeah, it feels crazy.

01:13:52.520 So there's something about just watching a movie that's just on Netflix or on a street.

01:13:56.220 Isn't that crazy?

01:13:57.180 Yeah.

01:13:57.600 But there is a value to putting something in a theater still.

01:14:01.660 It gives it this kind of panache.

01:14:03.420 Now, if you're an indie filmmaker and you're out there going, like, nobody's ever fucking

01:14:06.820 heard my story.

01:14:08.760 They've never heard my voice.

01:14:10.220 They've never fucking seen what I can do.

01:14:12.400 And if you're sitting there right now going, I fucking hate Kevin Smith.

01:14:14.980 He makes the same fucking movie every time.

01:14:16.660 30 years in the business, all he's done is make Clerks of Jay and Silent Bob.

01:14:19.560 Great.

01:14:19.820 Now's your fucking time.

01:14:21.340 Now's your time to shine.

01:14:22.420 Don't sit there, waste your time at home looking at me, hating on me.

01:14:25.760 Use me as your fucking example and stepping stone.

01:14:28.060 Like, if that fucking talentless idiot could do it, then I could fucking do it too.

01:14:31.680 And now is the time for another indie filmmaking movement.

01:14:36.440 Now it feels like, with the frustration of real fucking filmmakers who, I know people that

01:14:41.840 make millions to fucking make movies, sitting on their asses because ain't nobody fucking

01:14:45.260 making movies.

01:14:45.820 Could you imagine if some, if the only way you got to do your show is if somebody told

01:14:50.100 you, okay, now you could go.

01:14:51.480 No, you enjoy the independence of like fucking this past weekend is going to happen when I

01:14:56.120 want it to fucking happen.

01:14:57.100 You're your own fucking boss.

01:14:58.320 There are a lot of people that never figured out how to do that.

01:15:00.520 They never came from indie films.

01:15:01.680 They couldn't pivot back to indie film.

01:15:03.220 They've just been spoiled by working for a studio.

01:15:05.280 So now with the studios not making anything, they're like, what do I fucking do?

01:15:09.780 I've always been able to pivot back to indie film.

01:15:12.180 And I feel like, even though I've been able to do that, I've been in indie film for a

01:15:15.340 while.

01:15:15.600 Everyone knows every variation of story I could possibly tell.

01:15:18.220 Every once in a while, you'll whip a tusk on them.

01:15:19.860 We're like, well, that was fucking weird.

01:15:21.100 But generally speaking, like he does those James Allen Bob movies and shit.

01:15:24.500 Now is the time for an indie filmmaker to come out and be like, here's a fucking story

01:15:28.240 nobody's ever heard.

01:15:28.920 Fuck a Tic Tac.

01:15:29.640 I mean, I love Tic Tac.

01:15:31.160 Don't get me wrong.

01:15:31.700 But like people that spend their time like doing little videos and shit.

01:15:35.680 If you're a filmmaker, make your fucking film.

01:15:38.360 And now is the time to take your fucking shot because there is an empty guff in the marketplace

01:15:44.700 for that type of storytelling.

01:15:47.260 All of it has gone mainstream.

01:15:49.540 Streaming is now mainstream.

01:15:51.460 So people who are telling these offbeat stories on streamers, they are essentially studios at

01:15:56.500 this point.

01:15:56.940 When I started an indie film, it was like us outside of Warner Brothers and fucking, you

01:16:01.500 know, 20th Century Fox and Paramount going like, well, they'll never let us play.

01:16:05.280 So just because they won't let us in don't mean I can't do it on my own.

01:16:09.700 It's the streamers of that now.

01:16:10.900 So if you're out there going like, well, Netflix will never give me a fucking thing.

01:16:13.580 Great.

01:16:13.980 Go do your fucking thing without them.

01:16:16.140 Hang your own fucking shingle.

01:16:17.660 It's time.

01:16:18.560 People are hungry for that.

01:16:20.060 Do you think it's a good idea to sell direct to consumer, right?

01:16:22.820 Fuck yes.

01:16:23.360 David Spade and I wrote a movie.

01:16:24.680 And so we're going to try to get it made.

01:16:26.600 And it feels like it's kind of getting close, right?

01:16:28.640 So, and we're like, could we just put it on a website and sell it right there to people?

01:16:33.080 100%.

01:16:33.400 But also you travel out in the world, man.

01:16:35.580 And so imagine you do a comedy tour, but instead your comedy tour is, hey man, welcome

01:16:42.060 tonight.

01:16:42.560 We're going to watch the movie and afterwards we're going to talk about it.

01:16:44.620 All right.

01:16:44.940 So enjoy the show.

01:16:45.860 And then you get to fuck off for 90 minutes.

01:16:47.640 Then you come out and it's all crowd work because you're just answering fucking questions.

01:16:51.820 That's it.

01:16:52.900 You have the ability to do that.

01:16:54.420 Why do you fucking need anybody else?

01:16:56.240 Or you've got such an audience and such a long tail that you can go into an AMC like

01:17:01.260 a fucking Taylor Swift and be like, I guarantee you that on my podcast that has 200 fucking

01:17:06.160 million downloads per ever, whatever the fuck, that I can make people come to a theater

01:17:10.540 and show a thing.

01:17:11.320 And even if AMC is like, no, we're interested.

01:17:12.980 Then you go to fathom events and be like, hey man, I got a movie.

01:17:15.940 I want to put it in screens for like two fucking days and you'll make like 10 million bucks

01:17:20.360 and they'll write stories about how fucking smart you are.

01:17:22.900 So you don't need anybody, Theo.

01:17:24.860 You have the distribution fucking mechanism already in place.

01:17:28.780 You're a loaded gun at all times.

01:17:30.380 You just have to point your audience in the right direction.

01:17:32.500 And what you do is point them to the next show, the next show or a live gig.

01:17:36.100 But if you make a movie with Spade or whoever to fuck, don't fucking sell it until you have

01:17:41.660 milked it and juiced it for everything you personally can.

01:17:44.660 The way you juice your own shit, then fucking give it up to a streamer.

01:17:48.320 Then give it up to somebody like a home video company that's going to put it out and shit

01:17:52.300 like that.

01:17:52.940 Because you have the mechanism in place.

01:17:54.940 You already know how to put asses in seats.

01:17:56.660 The big mystery of this business that everyone's always trying to figure out is how do I get

01:18:00.200 fucking people to show up?

01:18:01.500 You know how to get people to show up.

01:18:03.160 Now this would just be you going, okay, when you show up this time, we're going to do things

01:18:06.920 a little differently.

01:18:07.440 I'm just going to show you a movie and then we're going to fucking do a comedy show afterwards

01:18:10.100 and stuff.

01:18:10.740 You charge the same thing and all that money goes right to the fucking flick.

01:18:14.480 And then you would have money now.

01:18:16.520 Then you could start making other cool movies and have your friends be like, this is a script

01:18:21.580 I like her.

01:18:22.100 You could just write it.

01:18:23.400 And then it's like you'd have movies would be like free again because there wouldn't

01:18:26.180 be.

01:18:26.840 Yeah.

01:18:27.000 You don't have to go and ask some smarmy fucking dude.

01:18:31.180 What do you mean free again?

01:18:32.320 Because I'm like, I like this world.

01:18:34.400 Free meaning you could do whatever you want.

01:18:35.980 You can do what you want.

01:18:36.820 But you could always do whatever you want.

01:18:38.980 You have the ability to do that.

01:18:40.180 You just have to take your meals together.

01:18:40.640 Right.

01:18:40.660 You always could.

01:18:41.880 But you already show it on a regular basis.

01:18:44.480 You are, again, I cannot fucking stress this enough.

01:18:51.040 That Celsius fucking container is huge.

01:18:53.680 They don't give that to just anybody.

01:18:56.140 It's massive.

01:18:57.600 It's like I walked into a 7-Eleven or at least a fucking.

01:19:01.120 I'm going to pee really fast actually.

01:19:03.440 What's better than a well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue?

01:19:06.820 A well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart

01:19:11.820 shopper and delivered to your door.

01:19:13.820 A well-marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool.

01:19:18.300 Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered.

01:19:22.440 Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

01:19:27.320 Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply.

01:19:30.000 Instacart.

01:19:30.940 Groceries that over-deliver.

01:19:32.500 I hated it when, hold on a second.

01:19:38.180 No way, man.

01:19:38.760 No.

01:19:39.040 I'm going.

01:19:39.800 You coming with me?

01:19:41.680 We're doing it.

01:19:42.540 Take my hand.

01:19:43.180 We're going.

01:19:43.520 We're filming the wheezing this shit.

01:19:45.040 I'm out, dude.

01:19:46.040 They died, didn't they?

01:19:48.000 Yeah, but they live forever.

01:19:49.260 That's true.

01:19:49.880 You know what I'm saying?

01:19:50.620 Because they're in a movie.

01:19:51.500 Look, Theo, everybody dies.

01:19:53.860 Not everybody truly lives.

01:19:56.600 Facts, homie.

01:19:57.160 I took that from Braveheart.

01:19:58.160 You did?

01:19:58.820 I mean, that's where it came from.

01:20:00.580 There's a new Asian kind of Braveheart movie coming out.

01:20:03.840 I saw a preview for.

01:20:06.000 How do you know when, keeping on movies, how do you know when, have you ever-

01:20:11.040 Shouldn't movies be like national cuisine?

01:20:16.000 Like, you were going, there's an Asian Braveheart coming out.

01:20:21.140 Shouldn't there be one for every country?

01:20:22.840 Like, recently we were talking about, I saw on Netflix, they had this movie called Beneath

01:20:27.180 Paris, which is Jaws in France.

01:20:30.580 Ooh.

01:20:31.080 Shouldn't every country have its own fucking Jaws?

01:20:33.340 We were talking about this on Hollywood Babylon.

01:20:34.380 Yeah, they should.

01:20:35.580 Podcasts I do with Ralph Gorman at Flappers and stuff.

01:20:38.200 And I was like, every country should have its own fucking Jaws.

01:20:41.580 It doesn't have to be the same story, but just give me every country.

01:20:45.480 It should be like the Olympics.

01:20:46.700 Every country is like, you're our best athletes.

01:20:48.940 It should be like, here is our best shark movie, killer shark movie.

01:20:52.580 Because everybody can get away with that.

01:20:54.160 And the fucking, you know, there are a lot of killer shark movies now.

01:20:57.040 It seems cheap now, like cheap to do, like I guess.

01:21:00.040 Like doing shark, CG shark is not as expensive as building the big rubber one that they did

01:21:04.620 for Jaws and shit like that.

01:21:06.480 But, you know, having one, having each country, each nation represented by what they feel is

01:21:14.060 their best possible shark.

01:21:15.360 Like Saving Private Reginald or something, like in Africa or something.

01:21:18.480 Or if they had like.

01:21:20.260 Wait a minute.

01:21:21.340 World War II.

01:21:22.380 No, I was just thinking of like a different, like if you had, like we have Saving Private

01:21:25.620 Ryan.

01:21:26.420 Yeah.

01:21:26.800 If they had.

01:21:27.660 Let's just keep it to sharks, Theo.

01:21:29.120 Saving Private.

01:21:29.740 Don't jump in a fucking war film.

01:21:31.740 But I'm saying like Saving Private Roberto.

01:21:32.980 Before we could do.

01:21:34.020 You know.

01:21:34.360 Oh, every nation gets to make every movie for themselves.

01:21:39.040 We start basic.

01:21:40.300 Like you start with the shark thing.

01:21:41.620 Okay.

01:21:41.800 We'll get to like Saving Private Richard and shit like that.

01:21:44.140 All right.

01:21:44.480 Or Saving Heinrich, right?

01:21:46.500 Because that would be the other side of the war.

01:21:47.760 Yeah.

01:21:48.440 Or something like that.

01:21:49.780 But just a shark fucking picture.

01:21:52.100 Every nation going like this is it.

01:21:53.900 Fucking arms race.

01:21:54.960 Yeah.

01:21:55.400 Just like.

01:21:56.820 Like, oh, there's a dangerous koi.

01:21:58.480 And it's like a Japanese one or whatever.

01:22:00.200 Koi.

01:22:00.680 Yeah.

01:22:01.160 It's gotta be shark.

01:22:01.900 We gotta have rules.

01:22:02.920 I don't know.

01:22:03.280 They have sharks in some places.

01:22:04.860 That's the thing.

01:22:05.420 It's like, it's a fucking movie.

01:22:06.980 What do you eliminate it for?

01:22:08.500 Yeah, you're right.

01:22:08.920 You're like, hey, man, in real life.

01:22:10.160 Fuck real life.

01:22:10.800 This is movie time.

01:22:11.660 Is it a podcast?

01:22:12.660 Michigan.

01:22:13.020 This is a fucking shark movie.

01:22:14.000 Yes.

01:22:14.940 Jaws of Michigan.

01:22:15.900 Yes, bitch.

01:22:16.400 It's just a guy in a fucking hot dog eating contest.

01:22:19.980 Here's how it happened, right?

01:22:21.120 So fucking every night when the Coney Dog place closes.

01:22:24.680 They got leftover Coney dogs that go bad.

01:22:27.880 Dude don't like to throw it out, so he takes it to one of the Great Lakes, pitches it in the lake.

01:22:32.240 Somebody had disposed of a fucking baby great white shark.

01:22:35.500 He's been eating these fucking hot dogs, so he's fucking massive and shit.

01:22:41.300 Wow, dude.

01:22:42.040 I'm already in.

01:22:43.280 You know what I'm saying?

01:22:43.400 It's fucking.

01:22:43.740 That's awesome, bro.

01:22:44.700 I'm already in.

01:22:45.360 Dude, call David Spade.

01:22:46.520 Let's write that.

01:22:47.500 Oh, yeah.

01:22:49.100 Finance.

01:22:49.580 Self-finance that fucking movie.

01:22:51.560 Honestly, I had a conversation with my friend Logic.

01:22:53.560 There's me going fucking.

01:22:55.820 There's a fucking big name for you.

01:22:57.800 Logic was in the 430.

01:22:58.860 I like Logic.

01:22:58.920 Nice guy.

01:22:59.260 He's an amazing dude.

01:23:00.760 Logic is in the 430 movie, and when he shot his scene, we'd already finished the movie and stuff,

01:23:06.980 so he could watch it.

01:23:07.820 So I was like, come to my place.

01:23:08.660 I'll show you the flick.

01:23:09.700 So we watched the flick, and then after the flick, he was like, oh, I fucking love movies.

01:23:13.400 He's like, before even hip-hop, I loved movies and stuff.

01:23:16.140 He's going, I found hip-hop through movies.

01:23:18.140 I found Wu-Tang through Quentin and stuff like that.

01:23:20.980 He's always wanted to make a movie.

01:23:22.020 We almost made a movie with J.J., and I was like, J.J.?

01:23:24.960 And he's like, yeah.

01:23:25.740 He's like, but it didn't happen.

01:23:26.660 I was like, J.J.?

01:23:27.560 From good times?

01:23:28.340 No.

01:23:28.740 Yeah, fucking J.J.

01:23:29.760 Like, J.J.

01:23:31.300 Dying the Kid Dynamite.

01:23:33.000 What was his name?

01:23:33.920 J.J. Abrams.

01:23:34.500 J.J. Abrams is the director I was talking about.

01:23:37.280 But I love that you went with J.J.

01:23:38.820 Who's the J.J.

01:23:39.260 I'm thinking of?

01:23:39.920 J.J. Evans?

01:23:40.560 J.J. Evans.

01:23:41.420 Yeah.

01:23:41.580 James Evans Sr.

01:23:42.800 I saw him at the airport once.

01:23:44.840 What?

01:23:45.760 Jimmy Walker?

01:23:46.640 Jimmy Walker.

01:23:47.260 That's who I'm thinking of, yeah.

01:23:48.160 There he is.

01:23:48.760 Legend.

01:23:49.460 Oh, yeah.

01:23:50.200 Kid Dynamite.

01:23:51.820 Dynamite.

01:23:53.260 All right.

01:23:53.860 So, wait.

01:23:55.560 So, J.J., I was like, I was surprised that he hadn't made, you know, fucking J.J. Abrams.

01:24:02.380 Yeah.

01:24:02.560 He made fucking one of the Star Wars.

01:24:04.080 Two of them.

01:24:04.840 You'd imagine it could happen.

01:24:06.000 But he's like, it just didn't happen.

01:24:07.380 I said, why?

01:24:07.740 Is it difficult?

01:24:08.320 Is it expensive?

01:24:09.320 And he goes, no.

01:24:09.900 It's kind of like Clerks.

01:24:11.180 It's set in one location.

01:24:13.020 And I was like, what?

01:24:15.860 Is it on the moon?

01:24:17.000 And he goes, no.

01:24:17.540 It's just in a record store.

01:24:19.340 I said, bro, you can make that movie yourself.

01:24:21.760 You don't need any help.

01:24:22.580 You got fucking, I'm sure you got money from hip hop.

01:24:24.660 Like, you can finance your own movie.

01:24:26.420 And for all the years I've ever said to people, like, you can make a movie.

01:24:29.260 Anybody can make a movie.

01:24:30.040 You should make your own movie.

01:24:31.580 Motherfucker was like, you're right.

01:24:32.940 And he financed his own fucking movie.

01:24:34.360 We went and shot it back in May up in Oregon in St. Helens.

01:24:38.700 And it's called Paradise Records.

01:24:40.340 And so, I was a producer on it and I was his editor.

01:24:43.220 Wow.

01:24:43.500 And my God, it's so fucking wonderful.

01:24:46.060 Like, it is legit good.

01:24:47.100 He is born to be a filmmaker.

01:24:48.900 And it's kind of a little irritating when a dude who is exceptionally good at one thing and made fucking billions doing it is now like, oh, I'm also good at that.

01:24:57.100 I mean, this fucking dude's good at anything.

01:24:58.840 J.J. Abrams?

01:24:59.580 No, fucking Logic.

01:25:01.060 Oh, Logic.

01:25:01.540 Logic fucking, like, he could do a Rubik's Cube in front of you in like 12 seconds.

01:25:05.640 Yeah.

01:25:05.980 Like, he's so crazy fucking talented shit.

01:25:09.120 But him as a filmmaker, this movie, Paradise Records, it's going to be fucking, it's going to hit huge.

01:25:14.260 It is fucking awesome.

01:25:15.360 He's the star and his friend Tremaine is the second lead and his friend T-Man is absolutely wonderful in the movie.

01:25:21.380 But this dude wrote, directed, and fucking starred in it.

01:25:25.100 And I was, like, so incredibly impressed because he's a legit great actor.

01:25:28.400 Like, as, you know, because I cut every frame.

01:25:30.820 I saw every frame of the fucking footage.

01:25:32.280 I was there on set when I shot it, but most of the time I was cutting the movie and shit.

01:25:35.540 And every frame of film, I was like, this guy's fucking a natural.

01:25:37.920 So that movie is fucking wonderful, man.

01:25:41.440 Damn, Paradise Records.

01:25:42.860 Paradise Records.

01:25:43.400 It'll be out next year.

01:25:44.500 How do you know?

01:25:45.100 I want to ask a little bit more about the 430 movie, but.

01:25:49.060 Comes out September 13th.

01:25:50.720 September 13th.

01:25:51.860 It's Ken Jeong is in it.

01:25:54.200 He's amazing.

01:25:55.400 It's kind of the story of my young life.

01:25:57.220 It's the story of the first date that I had in high school and stuff with my girlfriend.

01:26:01.080 Like going to a movie, right?

01:26:02.580 I took her to the flicks.

01:26:04.460 Yeah.

01:26:04.720 But in this flick, him and his friends, they're going to the movie theater to hang out for the day and skip from theater to theater to theater.

01:26:10.260 If you've ever listened to Smodcast back in the day when me and Scott Moser used to do it, there was this episode we did about Emo Kev, where I had these old recordings of me where I used to ride around on a bike in my hometown and fucking like, what am I doing?

01:26:24.240 Like real existential crisis shit before I ever made Clerks, wondering what my future would be and stuff.

01:26:29.120 So we played them on Smodcast and like Scott, like mercilessly fucking died laughing.

01:26:35.120 He just would attack a guy.

01:26:36.420 He's like, oh my God, you sound so fucking dumb.

01:26:39.080 But they were, it was kind of wonderful to listen to and shit.

01:26:42.440 Anyway, the movie is kind of based on that.

01:26:44.980 So like, it's based on that version of Emo Kev, as we call them in the podcast.

01:26:50.400 Okay.

01:26:51.020 Ride around on his bike and be like, when is my life going to begin?

01:26:54.000 So it's that kind of thing.

01:26:55.120 Oh, that's kind of cool.

01:26:56.240 There's a story.

01:26:57.540 Bear McCreary did our score and he's absolutely wonderful composer, but him and his brother did a song that ends the movie and it's a fucking jam.

01:27:05.480 It's total earworm.

01:27:06.280 And you're like, oh my God, went and like my friend put it on Shazam or whatever.

01:27:10.120 Cause he's like, where have I heard that before?

01:27:11.600 I was like, you never heard it.

01:27:12.380 You just fucking created and shit.

01:27:13.960 But it's called 24 carat case of love.

01:27:16.580 Cause in the movie, as in real life on the episode of Smodcast that we did years ago, you hear me talking about my ex-girlfriend and I was like, I got a 24 carat case of love.

01:27:27.020 And that's what broke Mosher up the most.

01:27:28.860 He was like, you fucking unbelievable.

01:27:31.260 Fuck it.

01:27:31.680 You know, he just attacked me and shit.

01:27:33.200 So I put that in the flick.

01:27:35.280 So Bear McCreary and his brother write this closing song for the movie and he goes, you got to listen to it, man.

01:27:39.420 I think you'll like it.

01:27:40.340 And the hook of the song is I got a 24 carat case of love.

01:27:44.240 And I was like, oh my God.

01:27:45.680 So I wrote to Bear and I was like, bro, you took the dumbest fucking shit I ever said on the earth and made it a pretty fucking wicked earworm hook for the song.

01:27:55.100 And he goes, don't shit on that.

01:27:57.320 He's going, you saying I got a 24 carat case of love is the kind of thing that a 16 year old boy says.

01:28:03.820 Yeah.

01:28:04.360 Cause it's like 24 carat real strong or it's kind of mid strong.

01:28:07.540 That was for me.

01:28:08.380 Nothing gets stronger than a fucking 24 carat.

01:28:10.520 Cause we didn't have diamonds in our world.

01:28:11.920 I was lower, lower, lower, lower, lower.

01:28:13.780 We were poor.

01:28:14.440 Yeah.

01:28:14.760 So like 24 carat gold is that my mom had a 24 carat gold wedding band.

01:28:19.040 Oh yeah.

01:28:19.780 So 24 carat case of love.

01:28:21.240 My sister's divorced too.

01:28:23.000 Is that right?

01:28:23.440 Yeah.

01:28:24.960 But so 24 carat.

01:28:27.080 So he took things from those moments you were riding on your bike.

01:28:29.100 Well, he took that exact fucking line and made it the hook for the song.

01:28:32.440 And he's like, never fucking regret saying that.

01:28:35.540 He's like, that's what you say when you're 16.

01:28:37.200 I didn't have the heart to tell him.

01:28:38.140 I was like, really?

01:28:38.600 I said that when I was 22, but whatever.

01:28:40.760 Dude, there's something so magical.

01:28:42.640 So wait, were you raised in Tennessee?

01:28:44.940 I was raised in Louisiana.

01:28:47.100 In what part?

01:28:47.880 Yeah.

01:28:48.160 In a place called Covington, Louisiana.

01:28:50.120 Are you serious?

01:28:50.780 Yeah.

01:28:50.980 So how far is that from like?

01:28:52.580 It's from one hour from New Orleans north.

01:28:54.700 We shot Jay and Silent Bob reboot there.

01:28:56.800 That's a fucking fantastic place.

01:28:58.700 No way.

01:28:59.220 Oh my God.

01:29:00.000 Louisiana.

01:29:01.020 So fucking good to us.

01:29:02.540 Yeah.

01:29:02.860 Like I'll always, that was a movie I made after I had the heart attack.

01:29:04.940 You premiered a movie there too, didn't you?

01:29:06.180 Well, we went to the Joy Theater.

01:29:08.220 Yeah.

01:29:08.440 And show Jay and Silent Bob reboot when we were on tour.

01:29:11.060 Yeah.

01:29:11.340 But we shot there and that was the post heart attack movies.

01:29:14.880 That was a movie where I was like, holy shit, I was supposed to be fucking dead.

01:29:18.540 Like, so I'm just going to make the movie I want to make.

01:29:20.620 Fuck everything else.

01:29:21.360 And that was Jay and Silent Bob reboot.

01:29:22.760 And so we had to go to Louisiana.

01:29:24.560 We couldn't do it in Jersey because it's a road movie and stuff like that.

01:29:27.320 And Louisiana had a fantastic fucking rebate.

01:29:29.840 They had a great fucking crew, man.

01:29:31.380 And the people were so fucking wonderful and shit.

01:29:33.420 And we shot during Mardi Gras.

01:29:35.380 What?

01:29:35.740 So we took two days down.

01:29:37.040 We actually shot on Mardi Gras at the courthouse because they were like, that's the only day

01:29:40.180 we're closed.

01:29:40.660 We're like, great.

01:29:41.120 We'll use the courthouse that day.

01:29:42.500 But everyone was so fucking cool, man.

01:29:44.960 And I didn't even fuck with the party half of the city.

01:29:48.480 Like the cast and people who flew in to be in the movie and shit, they would go to like,

01:29:52.600 I went to Bourbon Street and shit.

01:29:53.720 Right.

01:29:54.100 I didn't even get that fucking far, man.

01:29:55.820 It was just like the neighborhood.

01:29:56.580 Well, you didn't work probably too.

01:29:57.300 When you're putting a movie together, it's a lot.

01:29:58.980 How do you know when, like when you're ramping up to do a movie, things get pretty intense

01:30:06.500 pretty quick, right?

01:30:07.280 And then there's just that day where you have to start.

01:30:09.600 How crazy is that first day?

01:30:11.600 Because that's such a, I mean, it's rare that there's such a huge leap that's going

01:30:16.020 to be so, you can't go back.

01:30:18.580 Like you are moving forward.

01:30:20.460 It's begun.

01:30:21.320 You spend so much time trying to get to that moment that when the moment happens, you're

01:30:26.740 already prepared.

01:30:27.460 You better be fucking prepared.

01:30:28.780 If you're not, it's like, what the fuck are you crying about all this time?

01:30:31.200 Like you knew this was coming.

01:30:32.620 You pushed for this.

01:30:33.400 You wanted this.

01:30:34.440 Right.

01:30:34.760 That's why like after everything I do, no matter whether it works or doesn't work, there's

01:30:39.960 two things I always say to myself and generally is more helpful if it doesn't, if it didn't

01:30:43.940 work.

01:30:44.180 Like one is like, uh, um, you wanted this, like, Oh my God, you changed the course of

01:30:51.640 human events to make this fucking movie happen and shit.

01:30:55.140 Like you dreamed about this.

01:30:56.660 You somehow found millions of dollars and convinced people to give up their time, do this fucking

01:31:01.420 make, pretend with you.

01:31:02.360 So it don't matter if it didn't do what you want.

01:31:04.800 You wanted this.

01:31:05.600 You better fucking enjoy it.

01:31:06.800 Cause it's going to pass quick.

01:31:07.660 And then the second thing I always tell myself is like, what was the alternative?

01:31:11.240 Did you even have an alternative?

01:31:12.740 Was the alternative to not do the thing?

01:31:14.880 Then that's not the alternative because knowing that I could do the thing and knowing that I

01:31:18.580 could accomplish it and then not doing the thing would eat at me like a fucking cancer.

01:31:22.980 That's sad when you know you can accomplish thing, but you don't do it because you're like, no, well, fucking what if somebody don't like it?

01:31:28.600 Like I mentioned before, like dropping this scary though, it's like showing a butthole to somebody, but that's why this is a safe environment.

01:31:38.060 You create a thing where you're like, this is my rules, my house.

01:31:42.080 And I don't have, you don't worry when a new episode goes up.

01:31:46.000 You don't even think about it.

01:31:47.220 You feel like, Oh, I recorded that a couple of days ago or last week or something like that.

01:31:50.440 But you're so you've built the thing for yourself that is so fucking foolproof and you can avoid sidestep the world of rejection and the world of no.

01:31:58.160 You went to here and you created a world of yes for yourself.

01:32:00.760 So you don't have that weird trepidation at the beginning of every show because you're like, this is exactly, I engineered this to be as easy for me as fucking breathing and shit.

01:32:10.320 When you're making a flick or something like that, there are way more people involved and shit.

01:32:15.020 And you've also been dying to do this.

01:32:16.760 Sometimes it's taken 10 years to get to that fucking moment.

01:32:20.660 We've been working on this, trying to get this movie together.

01:32:22.700 All the agents haven't done anything.

01:32:25.460 So finally we got some of our own friends and stuff and we're going to put in some of our own money.

01:32:30.140 That's what I was going to say.

01:32:30.960 Like, dude, based on that Celsius case, there's no fucking way that you don't have enough of your own fucking screen.

01:32:37.460 You probably got it in your pocket.

01:32:38.580 Just be like, Oh yeah, I wish, dude.

01:32:40.960 You can have that thing, brother.

01:32:42.680 I'm sending that to you.

01:32:43.700 It is so possible to do.

01:32:48.780 I tell my kid all the time.

01:32:50.420 My kid who, again, I fucking.

01:32:52.440 Your daughter.

01:32:53.080 My daughter, Harley Quinn.

01:32:54.000 She's in one of the movies.

01:32:55.360 She's in Quentin's movie.

01:32:56.620 I always lead with that.

01:32:57.460 She's been in a bunch of my movies, but nobody gives a fuck about Kevin Smith's movie.

01:33:00.120 She was in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

01:33:01.840 So I always lead with that.

01:33:03.060 She was in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

01:33:04.680 And believe me, she leads with that too.

01:33:06.640 She never leads with like, yeah, I was in Jay and Silent Bob Reboot.

01:33:08.940 But she played Jay's daughter in Jay and Silent Bob Reboot.

01:33:11.980 With Johnny Depp's daughter, what was the one she had?

01:33:13.480 Was that who it was?

01:33:13.920 Yoga Hosers.

01:33:14.820 Yoga Hosers.

01:33:15.540 The one that I got beat the fuck out of.

01:33:16.500 I mean, you think I got beat up from putting a picture of myself crying on the internet.

01:33:19.960 Yoga Hosers, I got fucking, ooh, they were like bend over.

01:33:22.740 And it went in dry, so I'm dry.

01:33:24.800 I remember AV Club was like, ew, Kevin Smith and Johnny Depp are going to force us to watch

01:33:29.500 a play date with their children.

01:33:31.060 And it's like, bro, you don't have to watch it.

01:33:33.440 But I've, you know, that was, I've been around the internet for a while, so I've watched the

01:33:36.060 culture get like way more toxic.

01:33:37.900 And here's the thing.

01:33:38.760 For as long as I've been online, I've been online since 1996, right?

01:33:43.320 So I remember the first troll where it's like, what?

01:33:46.100 Yeah.

01:33:46.540 Why would you spend time here?

01:33:48.100 You probably got one of the first trolls ever.

01:33:50.220 Legit, 100%.

01:33:51.060 I remember there was a dude, I reached out to a troll, like to try to understand.

01:33:55.780 And this was a dude who was on Ain't It Cool News.

01:33:59.200 And he had written some shit about me, but it was incorrect.

01:34:01.760 That was the thing.

01:34:02.360 Like if somebody wrote something about me as their opinion, what the fuck?

01:34:04.920 Hurts, but it's like, you can't do anything.

01:34:06.260 But this dude had said something completely incorrect.

01:34:08.600 So I wrote to him because you can click on their name and hit their email.

01:34:11.460 So I wrote to the dude.

01:34:12.240 I was like, hey, I'm Kevin Smith.

01:34:13.280 And you said this shit about me.

01:34:14.300 I was like, I can't do anything about your opinion.

01:34:16.360 But the one thing you said is factually untrue.

01:34:18.760 So I just wanted to correct that if you're going to go out and say things and stuff like that.

01:34:21.800 The dude wrote back, I don't know who you are, but I know you're one of the names that if some,

01:34:25.340 if I throw out on Ain't It Cool News, a bunch of people will jump to your defense.

01:34:29.360 And that's how I like to hang out at night.

01:34:30.840 And that blew my fucking mind.

01:34:33.040 This was in the year 2000, I want to say.

01:34:36.000 Maybe, yeah, because it was before I did Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,

01:34:38.580 which has the whole ending of them going around beating up people on the fucking internet from a message chat room.

01:34:44.200 So I was there for, I'm not saying that was the first troll, but that was one of my first trolls.

01:34:48.220 And he said he liked doing it because he liked the-

01:34:50.880 That's how he spent his night like that.

01:34:53.080 And that's a, that's a legit fucking response that a human being sent me.

01:34:55.820 That's not a made up story.

01:34:56.820 That's not like, I met a guy who said that happened.

01:34:59.720 And I was so fucking flabbergasted by that.

01:35:02.600 I'm not anymore because I understand that's cheap entertainment for somebody.

01:35:06.720 Like fuck going to the movies or fuck going, like going out to dinner.

01:35:09.600 It's like fucking order some fucking-

01:35:12.300 Pizza and let's have that on.

01:35:13.260 Postmates and I'm just going to jump online and be like, this guy stopped.

01:35:15.520 Get some chili or whatever.

01:35:16.120 And then watch people react and hit on that and shit.

01:35:18.240 So I've watched the internet get way more toxic and shit like that.

01:35:22.020 But at the same time, as much as the internet gives everybody access to you who can like

01:35:27.400 fucking shit on your day or try to shit in your mouth, it also gives you access to the

01:35:31.820 most wonderful people in the world who say these amazing things about you that keep you going.

01:35:35.700 And as previously spoken about, I never know how to feel about myself because I'm broken.

01:35:40.560 So it helps.

01:35:42.480 I'm obviously part of the reason I do the job is because I like when people are like, good job.

01:35:46.460 Like my whole career has been about trying to produce work that's good enough for mom

01:35:51.160 to put up on the fridge.

01:35:52.400 Like when you get an A or a B on the paper and she put that shit up on the fridge.

01:35:55.980 The fridge is just the world at this point.

01:35:58.060 And you hope that it's good enough that the paper goes up and gets noticed and shit.

01:36:02.220 And you take a lot of slings and arrows even if you like to do a thing.

01:36:05.540 You know, so like there are the trolls who just go after you because like it's entertaining

01:36:08.900 to watch other people blood in the water and shit like that.

01:36:11.660 But then there are people that legitimately fucking hate you and what you do like and

01:36:16.220 hate watch you.

01:36:17.120 Just the way like Howard Stern used to have people who like, if you like Howard Stern,

01:36:20.840 you listen for 10 minutes.

01:36:21.960 If you hate Howard Stern, you listen for fucking 20.

01:36:24.120 So I get it.

01:36:25.080 And I've been around on the internet long enough where I know like I am one of those figures

01:36:29.060 and shit, but it always baffles me.

01:36:30.720 Like I, you know, I put up a fucking post on my Instagram today about, hey, I'm doing this

01:36:34.060 podcast with my kid, beardless, dickless me.

01:36:36.900 And naturally, yeah, naturally.

01:36:38.960 That's your daughter?

01:36:39.900 That's my, that's Harley.

01:36:41.120 She's a good kid, man.

01:36:42.040 She's got a good head on her shoulders and shit.

01:36:43.760 She was the one that asked me to go vegan because she was vegan.

01:36:45.880 And after the heart attack, she was like, dad, like, please like, just try it.

01:36:49.800 It could help.

01:36:50.320 Because the nutritionist in the hospital was like, you might want to consider going plant

01:36:53.760 based because 100% blockage in your LAD.

01:36:56.560 That's really bad.

01:36:57.420 So my kid was like, can you please try it?

01:36:59.300 And I was like, you know what?

01:37:00.120 I'll do it for you.

01:37:00.920 I'll try for a few months.

01:37:02.360 And I, you know, she saved my life to be honest with you.

01:37:04.600 But I also know my kid is part me.

01:37:07.600 So she's very strategic.

01:37:08.840 She, as a vegan, she was like, if I could flip this motherfucker, he'll be a big voice

01:37:12.660 for the movement and shit like that.

01:37:14.120 So she did.

01:37:14.900 Can you still get erection if you're vegan or not?

01:37:17.100 Do I get an erection?

01:37:17.880 Can you still, do you still have like a-

01:37:19.340 I'm hard now, son.

01:37:20.360 Yeah.

01:37:20.800 Yeah.

01:37:21.220 I mean, fuck yeah.

01:37:22.020 You get, you get very hard.

01:37:23.500 What would be the idea in not getting hard as a vegan?

01:37:26.120 I just didn't-

01:37:26.500 Not enough red meat in your diet?

01:37:27.600 Yeah, something like that.

01:37:28.460 If you don't have enough iron or whatever.

01:37:30.460 I'm on blood thinners because of the heart attack.

01:37:32.820 Does that help your wiener get harder?

01:37:34.020 No.

01:37:34.540 In fact, it's a little more challenging.

01:37:36.940 Not challenging.

01:37:37.980 It's just the hard on you get ain't, it's workable.

01:37:43.780 It's fuckable dick.

01:37:44.940 Yeah.

01:37:45.280 But it's not like, oh my God, this could fucking crack steel.

01:37:49.240 Oh yeah.

01:37:49.780 You're Jackie Chan with like eight fucking things.

01:37:51.660 I've never had that one.

01:37:52.560 Oh, I do in the morning.

01:37:53.600 That's the morning wood.

01:37:54.480 Oh fuck, dude.

01:37:55.180 I wake up with a hard on that could, that's impressive.

01:37:57.340 If I was a dick pic guy, that's when I'd be like, and put it online and shit like that.

01:38:01.400 But it always goes to waste because my wife, she's like, I don't fuck before noon.

01:38:05.920 So we've been together like 25 fucking years almost, or over.

01:38:09.280 And at this point, I understand that I'm going to wait until like one or two.

01:38:15.240 So I'm a little sad because, I'm not saying, she's missing out.

01:38:18.420 She ain't missing shit.

01:38:19.160 She's fucked me now.

01:38:20.080 She knows.

01:38:20.620 I was saying before, I tell people all the time, like, you can achieve your goals.

01:38:25.880 You just have to modify your expectations.

01:38:27.780 I was like, you know, my wife, I always use my wife as an example.

01:38:31.020 I was like, Jennifer didn't want to marry a guy that fucking looked like me.

01:38:33.840 Like I saw the dude she dated in high school.

01:38:35.200 She was a cheerleader.

01:38:35.900 She dated fucking football players.

01:38:37.080 Your wife did?

01:38:38.100 Oh, wow.

01:38:39.220 But when we met, she was like, all right, he ain't my ideal, but like, I can work with this.

01:38:45.340 So she modified her expectations, and we've been together for a fucking century.

01:38:51.800 So if you modify, some people are like, that's lowering.

01:38:55.180 I'm like, no, no, no.

01:38:56.560 Modifying your expectations.

01:38:58.040 You can be happy if you just modify what you expect and shit.

01:39:01.580 Do you have sex under the covers when you're married or on top of the covers?

01:39:04.880 Under.

01:39:05.380 And I'm also a shirt-on guy.

01:39:07.380 I never take my shirt off during sex.

01:39:08.860 You take your shirt off during sex?

01:39:10.240 You look like, here.

01:39:11.340 I don't that much.

01:39:12.060 You're one of those dudes who probably you're making out.

01:39:14.120 It's like in the movies and shit.

01:39:15.580 You make out, and then you push back, and you take your shirt off.

01:39:17.920 Like, that's a part of the seduction.

01:39:19.280 I walk out of the room backwards.

01:39:19.940 I could never do that.

01:39:20.760 If I did that and stepped back, took my shirt off, my tits came out, they'd be like.

01:39:24.380 Oh, let me slurp on those little fucking hammocks.

01:39:27.120 You take your shirt off, don't you?

01:39:28.840 No, sometimes I will.

01:39:29.860 Sometimes I won't.

01:39:30.540 I'll walk out of the room backwards, though, because I don't like people seeing my butt, I guess.

01:39:34.900 Are you serious?

01:39:35.460 Wow, what's going on there?

01:39:36.520 Huh?

01:39:37.140 Not that I think it is.

01:39:38.080 I don't know.

01:39:38.880 It's your least attractive feature?

01:39:40.060 I think it's fine, but it's like.

01:39:41.500 After everyone's already, the situation's gotten all coming and shit, and everybody's

01:39:45.600 on a different plane altogether, and their senses are coming back, you're like, they

01:39:48.840 see my ass, I'm fucked.

01:39:50.400 Turns out you were just fucked.

01:39:52.020 At that point, they could see your ass.

01:39:55.280 Job's done, son.

01:39:56.820 Yeah, but nobody can see your butt while you're making love to them.

01:40:01.020 It's just the way it's all how God did it.

01:40:03.000 If that is not the title of your biography, I object.

01:40:07.580 Nobody can see your butt if you're making love to them.

01:40:09.620 The Theo Vaughn story.

01:40:12.580 And other whimsical notions by Theo Vaughn.

01:40:15.200 Yeah, but it's like you're only.

01:40:16.140 You think your ass is your worst feature?

01:40:17.840 No.

01:40:18.060 So you walk out of the room dick first, where you're like, we're dick backwards.

01:40:21.060 So you're like, look, keep looking there.

01:40:22.520 Don't look at this.

01:40:23.080 Yeah, just like, I'll keep chatting.

01:40:23.640 Never mind the man.

01:40:24.460 Pay attention to the man.

01:40:25.480 No attention to the man behind the curtain.

01:40:26.960 Your ass is the Wizard of Oz.

01:40:28.340 Yeah.

01:40:28.540 Your dick is what they all see.

01:40:31.460 Your ass is the actual wizard.

01:40:32.860 Oh, yeah.

01:40:33.460 Pulling levers and shit.

01:40:34.220 My wiener's the cowardly lion.

01:40:37.020 Dude.

01:40:38.240 If I only had an...

01:40:39.820 Blood thinner's a...

01:40:40.900 Yeah, but to go back to the original question, you can be vegan and give the job.

01:40:44.860 Okay.

01:40:45.280 Very easily.

01:40:46.480 I don't come across...

01:40:46.940 I mean, I guess I know vegans, but I don't know.

01:40:48.700 They don't tell you when you meet them.

01:40:49.740 You do.

01:40:50.040 What I love about you, Theo, is your act is like, I don't know a lot of things, but you're

01:40:53.380 one of the smartest people I've seen doing this job.

01:40:54.880 You think so?

01:40:55.980 You're smart, but more importantly, you're clever.

01:40:57.720 Clever goes a lot further than smart in this world.

01:41:00.280 I am not smart.

01:41:01.360 I've been clever.

01:41:02.280 I don't even think I'm 100% clever all the time, but I think I'm very clever about what

01:41:06.220 to do about being Kevin Smith for a living.

01:41:08.100 So I'm myopically clever on one very small plane, which has kind of worked out for me.

01:41:12.400 Managing yourself well.

01:41:13.480 Yes.

01:41:13.900 Yeah.

01:41:14.100 But I think you're smart.

01:41:15.580 I think you're way smarter than you like to let on and shit.

01:41:18.140 You're like Jay.

01:41:19.200 Like, Jay is also like, I don't know nothing, but I'm like, motherfucker, don't play me.

01:41:24.320 Like, I write your character.

01:41:25.620 I know what your intelligence level really is and stuff.

01:41:29.020 And while the Jay character is based on who Jay was when he was 16 years old, he's far

01:41:33.280 smarter than that.

01:41:34.080 And also, to be fair, far more responsible.

01:41:36.580 Hands down, the best father I've ever met in my entire life.

01:41:39.020 He's a wonderful fucking dad to like two children.

01:41:41.640 Shocking, because he was like terrible to himself for most of his life.

01:41:44.400 Yeah, I met him at some meetings and stuff.

01:41:46.420 Yeah, he's, fuck, you want to talk about that?

01:41:48.720 He is.

01:41:49.060 He's very, yeah.

01:41:49.600 We did a whole podcast for years, and we still kind of quasi do.

01:41:52.600 Jay and Silent Bob get old, which is fucking, he's coming up, I think, on his 14th anniversary

01:41:57.260 of being sober.

01:41:58.580 And the podcast was predicated on, like, we'd go to bars and do this live show where he's

01:42:03.740 the only, everyone else is drunk.

01:42:04.840 He's the only sober person there.

01:42:06.100 And it was all about keeping him sober.

01:42:07.680 So we would sit there and tell his story about, like, one time I did this.

01:42:10.980 So it was kind of like going to a very fun AA meeting where everyone else was drinking

01:42:15.060 except the guy who was witnessing and shit like that.

01:42:17.760 And we got over 100, 200 episodes out of that.

01:42:21.500 Wow.

01:42:21.980 It was crazy.

01:42:22.540 And we toured off of that.

01:42:23.460 Like, Jason from the movies, he didn't really make a lot of money being in Kevin Smith films.

01:42:28.460 You don't make money being in Kevin Smith films.

01:42:30.100 You don't make money making them either.

01:42:32.520 But he made enough money to buy a house because of Jay and Silent Bob.

01:42:36.500 Awesome.

01:42:36.860 So he was, we were clever with the podcast, but you're smart.

01:42:39.800 This is fucking smart.

01:42:40.660 So I know you're smart.

01:42:42.240 Yeah, I think I, sometimes I think I'm afraid to try and, like, I feel like sometimes it's

01:42:46.940 just hard for me to get, like, my information and how I, it's hard to get it, like, clear

01:42:52.740 from my brain to my mouth sometimes.

01:42:55.560 And I think I get afraid to speak up on certain things, like, um.

01:43:00.120 I don't know, man.

01:43:00.620 I saw you talking about Bernie Sanders and you seemed very well fucking.

01:43:05.380 Yeah, I mean, I had a couple.

01:43:06.140 I literally watched that for a few minutes and was like.

01:43:08.240 That was fun, dude.

01:43:09.240 I was like, this, like, I could not have done that.

01:43:12.260 I could talk to people, but I'd be like, Bernie, did you ever see Clerks?

01:43:16.720 Like, that's where my life begins and ends and shit.

01:43:18.820 But you could literally sit there and have a political conversation.

01:43:21.340 I'm politically not astute.

01:43:23.520 Yeah, me neither.

01:43:23.860 I don't think I could hold that conversation, but you did and you sounded intelligent.

01:43:28.100 Thanks, man.

01:43:28.600 And I don't mean, like, he sounds smart, but you represent him.

01:43:30.980 Like, that's why when you're like, I don't know nothing, I'm, I was bullshit.

01:43:34.060 Like, I couldn't have done, and this ain't me kissing ass or licking knob.

01:43:37.040 I didn't watch the whole interview, but for the few minutes I watched, I was like, this

01:43:41.580 guy's fucking smart.

01:43:42.940 Well, there's some stuff.

01:43:43.400 That made me happy to come, because Jordan, Jason Mewes' wife, she runs our business.

01:43:47.260 She was like, oh, I fucking, she's, I was like, I got to go.

01:43:49.560 I'm going.

01:43:50.100 She's like, where are you going?

01:43:50.840 I was like, I'm going with Theo Vaughn's podcast.

01:43:52.540 She goes, oh, fucking.

01:43:53.260 She goes, that's right.

01:43:53.920 I love him.

01:43:54.680 I was like, you fuck with him?

01:43:55.920 And she goes, oh, you think he's so funny and shit like that.

01:43:58.220 What's her name?

01:43:58.900 Jordan Monsanto.

01:44:00.580 That's sweet of her, man.

01:44:02.220 Yeah, I think, well, he cares about some of the same stuff I care about.

01:44:04.160 I'm going to believe me.

01:44:04.520 As our businessman, I'm going to go with her.

01:44:05.960 I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to take a picture of this.

01:44:07.780 That's the case.

01:44:08.240 I'd be like, we're doing shit wrong.

01:44:11.580 I know people in the audience are like, stop talking about it.

01:44:13.300 But you don't know, you don't know, kids.

01:44:16.300 I know what that means.

01:44:17.520 I'm like, this guy's figured the fuck out, man.

01:44:19.700 I don't want to, do you have a network or is it just your show?

01:44:22.820 No, just us.

01:44:23.700 Really?

01:44:24.080 Yeah.

01:44:24.760 It's just.

01:44:25.360 If you ever start a network, I'll be on it.

01:44:27.060 You will?

01:44:27.620 Fucking heartbeat.

01:44:28.340 Are you kidding me?

01:44:29.080 Fucking get, I'll get.

01:44:30.100 We'll plug you in, in the other room, dude.

01:44:32.060 Dude, I'll never leave.

01:44:33.300 That much free Celsius and shit.

01:44:35.100 I mean, he's got his own place.

01:44:36.080 Like I came into an office.

01:44:37.780 You'll never sleep.

01:44:38.360 I do my shit at home in a spare room.

01:44:40.420 I started in my kitchen, man.

01:44:41.960 And now we just have to have a place for people to be at, to work.

01:44:44.920 What is that?

01:44:45.520 What do you mean?

01:44:46.000 Like, so while the show is not going on, you need people in an office.

01:44:48.600 Yeah, just the producers, just so they can be around.

01:44:51.700 Isn't it crazy?

01:44:52.380 Like the infrastructure that like.

01:44:53.880 We don't have much.

01:44:54.580 We have three.

01:44:55.500 Yeah.

01:44:55.940 And a huge operation.

01:44:57.080 Yeah.

01:44:57.220 But yeah, it's fun.

01:44:58.640 But it's a place.

01:44:59.380 Like this is a place.

01:44:59.980 Unless they're giving you this place free, you gotta pay for this place.

01:45:01.780 No, they're not.

01:45:02.560 Did you, um, if you're.

01:45:03.740 I never want to hear this.

01:45:04.580 I'm not a smart person shit ever again.

01:45:06.720 What was that?

01:45:07.160 Jay.

01:45:08.560 You and Mew's in a movie, bro.

01:45:10.640 Never mind David Spade.

01:45:11.540 I ain't trying to throw him under the bus.

01:45:12.720 But fucking you and Jay in a movie.

01:45:14.380 You could be his brother.

01:45:15.640 Oh, fuck.

01:45:16.540 Shit.

01:45:17.840 Hold on.

01:45:19.880 This is happening in real time.

01:45:21.460 What will we do?

01:45:22.340 I wonder.

01:45:23.120 Want it?

01:45:23.500 Do you want to come?

01:45:24.260 Um, we're doing a movie next year, early next year, Jay and Silent Bob's Store Wars, which

01:45:29.360 is about, they have a dispensary and then somebody opens a dispensary across the street

01:45:33.460 and they're like, they're opposites in every way and it's, they battle for the whole movie.

01:45:37.740 You legit, I'm not just saying this because I'm on the podcast, but like your vibe is

01:45:41.820 very Jay-like.

01:45:42.700 Number one, I know this would make my boss happy.

01:45:44.300 Like Jordan would be like, yes, bitch.

01:45:46.140 You could come in and play fucking Jay's brother who's never been in a movie before.

01:45:49.760 Jordan Monsanto, the person who's.

01:45:51.620 That's, that's Jordan, uh, Jay's wife, Jordan, who runs our company and shit.

01:45:54.780 She produces the movies as well.

01:45:55.840 She does.

01:45:56.520 Yeah.

01:45:56.640 She's been our producer for years.

01:45:57.800 She's been producing since like Tusk.

01:45:59.420 Wow.

01:45:59.720 She's really smart.

01:46:00.940 Fuck.

01:46:01.460 Smarter than, smarter than both you and I.

01:46:03.100 And I know how smart you are.

01:46:04.340 As previously said.

01:46:05.580 You wrote me in.

01:46:06.140 She ain't got one of those fucking jokes.

01:46:07.340 You wrote this character.

01:46:08.200 I'm not even, I'm fictional.

01:46:09.260 I'm telling you, bro, you playing Jay's brother makes sense.

01:46:12.060 Wow.

01:46:12.080 Really, dude?

01:46:13.160 A hundred percent.

01:46:14.140 I mean, look, I ain't offering you no great shakes.

01:46:16.220 Being in a Kevin Smith movie helps nobody's fucking career.

01:46:17.880 No, I just heard he doesn't make any money.

01:46:19.380 Oh, wow.

01:46:19.840 Yeah, that's Jordan.

01:46:20.700 And that's their daughter, Logan.

01:46:22.020 And then they have a little boy now named Lucian.

01:46:24.140 And he wasn't alive when we did this picture.

01:46:26.000 Aw, that's sweet.

01:46:26.300 He came afterwards.

01:46:28.140 That was Clerks 3.

01:46:29.000 So, yes.

01:46:29.760 Yeah, so it's dope beef.

01:46:31.420 They got two dispensaries of having dope beef, basically.

01:46:34.160 Yeah.

01:46:34.460 That's cool.

01:46:35.100 It's a war.

01:46:35.800 Yeah, but we need that kind of fucking shit.

01:46:37.680 That's a comedy.

01:46:38.860 But it ain't no studio comedy.

01:46:40.220 Like, no studio.

01:46:41.200 How much does it cost to make a movie like that?

01:46:42.680 What's kind of like your highest budget?

01:46:43.880 That'll be 10.

01:46:44.640 If I can get, I can, I can get between 8 to 10 for a Jay and Silent Bob type thing,

01:46:51.000 Clerks 3 thing.

01:46:51.680 The 4.30 movie, which is coming out September 13th, presumably that's what we're here to

01:46:56.720 talk about, but I just came to hang out.

01:46:58.200 Yeah.

01:46:58.540 I just came for the salesman.

01:46:59.360 No, I want to talk a little bit more about that time, too.

01:47:00.920 Oh, we don't have to.

01:47:01.540 But the 4.30 movie cost 3 million bucks.

01:47:03.780 Wow.

01:47:04.840 Saban financed that.

01:47:06.340 And was it Saban?

01:47:07.980 Saban.

01:47:08.520 Saban.

01:47:08.960 Have they financed some of your other films, too?

01:47:10.200 They did Jay and Silent Bob reboot.

01:47:11.700 Okay.

01:47:12.280 Years and years ago, they also did the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

01:47:16.060 Did they, and how much can we, can you make a real return on a movie like that?

01:47:20.880 You can make a return.

01:47:22.580 Right.

01:47:22.720 You can make your money back and make a little scratch.

01:47:24.760 Yeah.

01:47:24.880 I think that's, I think I can stay in the business for as long as I, for three decades, when

01:47:32.500 I'm well past my fucking past due date, because I could always pivot to inexpensive.

01:47:37.780 Right.

01:47:37.880 So a lot of people are like, well, it's got to be fucking 20 million, or I can't do it.

01:47:41.680 I'm the other guy where I'm like, oh, I could do it for three.

01:47:44.380 Yeah.

01:47:44.620 Whether we could do it for three or not.

01:47:46.100 It's like, we'll get there.

01:47:46.940 We'll cram it into that fucking number.

01:47:48.500 I wouldn't want to be anything fancy.

01:47:50.360 Yeah.

01:47:50.860 And the privilege of like making a movie, like everyone don't get to do that.

01:47:54.200 It's a weird fucking proposition where you say to somebody like, can you give me a lot

01:47:58.100 of money to make pretend?

01:48:00.060 Most people are like, just make pretend by themselves for free and shit.

01:48:03.180 And you're like, I can't quite do it.

01:48:05.320 And I realized like my job is such, it's full of shit, man.

01:48:08.760 It's a pack of lies.

01:48:10.280 Basically what I try to do in life is capture, artificially capture a moment that happened

01:48:15.740 to me that made my head or heart feel something so overwhelmingly wonderful that I was like,

01:48:21.700 if I could fucking capture that and put it in a movie and show people how it felt, I bet

01:48:24.760 you other people would identify with that.

01:48:26.720 So it was like, the 430 movie.

01:48:28.260 Like Bridges of Madison County?

01:48:30.460 I mean, I guess.

01:48:31.280 Absolutely.

01:48:31.880 To some degree, right?

01:48:32.900 If that was your speed or whatever the fuck.

01:48:35.720 But like the idea of, like I was on set and I guess it was because the 430 movie is the

01:48:40.940 first movie.

01:48:41.240 430 is cool because it's like in the 80s, is it 80s or 90s?

01:48:43.720 80s it takes place.

01:48:44.400 It's in the 80s, 1986.

01:48:45.060 Yeah, dude.

01:48:45.680 It just had this, like this free when you couldn't, when your imagination where you, if you wondered

01:48:51.020 if a girl cared about you, all you could do is lay on your back in the, in your fucking

01:48:54.960 room floor, listening to like, um, like Nirvana or something.

01:49:00.900 A mixtape that you put together over and over.

01:49:02.440 Wondering and praying and pining and just dry humping the carpet that this woman cared

01:49:08.000 about you.

01:49:09.120 Shy of dry humping the carpet, um, which I ain't against, but that was never a part of

01:49:13.760 my repertoire.

01:49:15.060 Um, it's, you've exactly, you've nailed the feeling of me trying to capture that fucking

01:49:18.920 feeling.

01:49:19.540 Essentially, that's what I do in movies.

01:49:21.760 We weren't that rich.

01:49:22.680 Oh my God.

01:49:23.040 Were you rich?

01:49:23.700 No, we weren't.

01:49:24.440 But I heard about shag carpet and I thought that's what you were supposed to do.

01:49:27.520 You heard about it.

01:49:28.220 Yeah.

01:49:28.380 Did you have carpet period?

01:49:29.700 Oh yeah.

01:49:30.060 We had wall to wall, but like the cheap shit.

01:49:32.340 Yeah.

01:49:32.500 Not, not, you know what?

01:49:33.820 Yeah.

01:49:34.120 Rugs are expensive.

01:49:35.760 Carpeting is less expensive.

01:49:37.220 You could pee on our carpet.

01:49:38.440 Yeah.

01:49:38.820 Well, and others did on our, protest and sometimes capture in the moment though, being, being

01:49:44.760 a liar for a living and shit like that.

01:49:46.580 That is what making movies is, is all about.

01:49:49.060 That's why I like podcasting because it ain't a lie.

01:49:51.480 Basically everything's true.

01:49:52.540 Like you just sit down, start talking, having conversations.

01:49:55.300 Yeah.

01:49:55.420 You try your best.

01:49:56.100 Movies is like, I, one day someone will try, maybe not this particular moment, but, and

01:50:01.460 I've done it in movies.

01:50:02.620 You try to capture a podcast in a movie.

01:50:04.500 Like in Tusk, we have them podcasting and stuff.

01:50:08.180 And once again, that's an artificial snapshot of a moment that made me feel fucking absolute

01:50:13.560 joy.

01:50:14.700 And then you give that moment to the movie and then the movie goes out to the audience

01:50:17.880 and the moment stops being just yours.

01:50:20.100 And then for the rest of your life, you interact with that movie.

01:50:24.100 Periodically it comes up and you're watching it and you see this like wonderful, this approximation,

01:50:29.820 um, this half-assed approximation of some amazing thing that had happened to.

01:50:34.380 And you go, Oh shit, that's right.

01:50:36.460 Like that was mine.

01:50:37.340 But then I shared it with the art form and stuff.

01:50:39.580 When it comes to preparing for a movie, what are some pitfalls that, uh, people can avoid?

01:50:46.920 Um, it might be little things.

01:50:48.480 It might just be energy, being focused, having enough time.

01:50:51.340 Like honestly, the biggest pitfall, I mean, you'll never have enough time.

01:50:54.340 You'll never have enough money.

01:50:55.280 I don't give a shit what your budget is.

01:50:56.640 Like whether you have 3 million or 300, every filmmaker, every producer always has the same

01:51:01.060 complaint, which is like not enough time, not enough money.

01:51:03.620 And even if you've got more money, you think that'll ameliorate it.

01:51:06.560 It just winds up being the same fucking problem, economy of scale.

01:51:09.920 So don't worry about that shit.

01:51:11.540 This is what you need to think about.

01:51:13.720 I think primarily, um, be prepared in as much as like, if you're starting for the first

01:51:20.600 time, you've never done this shit before.

01:51:22.480 Obviously this is an advice for people who do it for a living.

01:51:25.400 Let's say you're a first timer.

01:51:26.840 Rehearse the fuck out of that shit.

01:51:28.420 Like a month on Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy.

01:51:31.080 Rehearse for a month before we went near a set.

01:51:33.320 That way your take ratio is going to be real low.

01:51:35.900 Now, some people would be like, what does that matter in the age of fucking digital video

01:51:39.040 back when you were shooting film?

01:51:40.260 Yes.

01:51:40.460 It was expensive to process film.

01:51:42.280 Time is money on a movie fucking set.

01:51:44.220 So if you can accomplish it in one take, fucking move on.

01:51:48.140 Like the story of my life, and I've told it before publicly, so this might not be news

01:51:51.640 to some, but how I've been able to keep doing what I've been doing for 30 years of people

01:51:55.780 like, I hate him.

01:51:56.520 Why does he keep fucking, how come he still works?

01:51:58.660 This is why I don't strive for excellence.

01:52:01.420 I ain't Chris fucking Nolan.

01:52:02.340 Believe me, every critic will tell you that and shit.

01:52:04.480 Chris Nolan strives for excellence.

01:52:06.300 I, from the beginning of my career, from Clerks forward, was never like, let's make it fucking

01:52:09.980 perfect.

01:52:10.500 If I was striving for perfection, I don't think I've ever made my first film yet.

01:52:14.340 I'd still be sitting there frozen.

01:52:15.660 What will it be like?

01:52:17.060 Good Enough will take you very far.

01:52:19.640 Good Enough has taken me 30 years.

01:52:21.080 So on the set of Clerks, we'd be shooting.

01:52:22.520 I'd be like, cut.

01:52:24.620 All right, that's good enough.

01:52:25.420 Let's move on.

01:52:25.940 Let's do something else.

01:52:27.360 Good Enough has gotten me here.

01:52:28.880 It's gotten me all the way to this fucking chair.

01:52:30.380 Good Enough will get you as far as you need to go.

01:52:33.300 Now, you know, that's probably not winner talk, right?

01:52:36.240 Like fucking, if you want to win an Oscar, you got to leave it on the table.

01:52:39.160 You got to fucking like make people hurt.

01:52:41.120 Fucking make those movies where like Leonardo's fighting a fucking bear and shit and fucking

01:52:45.100 make people sit in the snow to do it because everyone's got to be miserable in order for

01:52:48.740 this to read and shit like that.

01:52:50.180 I ain't that guy.

01:52:50.920 I ain't that committed to it.

01:52:51.880 I just like to make pretend.

01:52:53.200 Maybe get a little money for it and shit.

01:52:54.540 But so I can't go in authentically like that where it's like, oh, fucking everything.

01:53:02.040 It's going to be perfection at the cost of everybody.

01:53:05.140 And there are directors who do that.

01:53:06.580 And I respect them, I guess, a little bit.

01:53:08.700 I wouldn't do that to my cast and crew.

01:53:10.100 But like those movies are fucking successful because they've got a vision and a drive and

01:53:13.980 the passion of a filmmaker.

01:53:15.120 If I were ever trying to make one of those things, it wouldn't happen.

01:53:19.920 Number one, I don't have the talent.

01:53:20.900 Number two, I don't have that kind of patience and shit.

01:53:22.780 Number three, I can't do that to other people.

01:53:24.840 I want people leaving my set going, I had a good ass fucking time.

01:53:27.980 That's how I keep my budgets low.

01:53:29.900 Crew comes back and they'll work for fucking scale because like, look, you don't pay a

01:53:33.220 lot, but fucking it's a good time on a set.

01:53:35.260 You're going to enjoy yourself.

01:53:36.220 You're going to have fucking happy memories and shit like that.

01:53:38.700 Good enough gets me to the set.

01:53:41.000 If I've rehearsed enough before we shoot and I'm on set, one, two take stops.

01:53:46.000 And I'm like, good enough, moving on.

01:53:47.360 And that time all adds up.

01:53:49.440 That's fucking money.

01:53:50.420 So strive for perfection, I guess, at some point in your career.

01:53:54.420 I honestly never have.

01:53:55.760 And I've just been doing it for 30 years.

01:53:57.200 And some people out there, I'm sure the Letterboxd crowd would be disgusted by that

01:54:00.760 thought.

01:54:01.020 Like, oh, he doesn't even fucking try.

01:54:02.720 Clearly, I try.

01:54:03.600 I've been doing this for 30 fucking years.

01:54:04.920 Well, you show up.

01:54:05.840 That's trying.

01:54:06.620 And beyond show up, I deliver.

01:54:08.240 I just don't fucking make everyone's life miserable.

01:54:11.000 To fucking deliver something that's like, I've got a vision.

01:54:14.100 Right.

01:54:14.340 I got an idea where we're going and shit.

01:54:16.200 Let's all have a good time doing it.

01:54:17.480 Otherwise, what was the fucking point?

01:54:19.140 If people on a set are miserable when you make pretend for a living, everybody has fucking

01:54:23.460 failed and you shouldn't be doing this.

01:54:25.540 Like, it should be fun.

01:54:27.420 It's making pretend for a living.

01:54:28.580 And I understand, you know, there are some people like, no, man, art is pain.

01:54:31.900 And it's not really.

01:54:33.480 This is an art form.

01:54:35.220 Don't get me wrong.

01:54:35.960 But like, doesn't have to be fucking painful.

01:54:37.580 It's very cathartic.

01:54:38.320 And a lot of folks can't do that fucking pivot.

01:54:42.240 Like, it's got to be this.

01:54:43.740 And I don't believe in that.

01:54:45.100 So I'm the guy that's just like, that's good enough.

01:54:47.880 Let's move it on.

01:54:48.780 Every one of my movies is good enough.

01:54:50.740 Don't have to be great and shit.

01:54:51.820 I saw somebody the other day on Twitter was like, it's got like one or two really brilliant

01:54:56.240 ideas in this movie.

01:54:57.120 And the rest is just some fucking horse shit.

01:54:58.720 And I'm like, yeah, I mean, that's it.

01:55:00.260 You don't have to keep watching them if you don't like that kind of thing.

01:55:02.120 But I'm lucky I got one or two good ideas in the horse shit, like especially 30 years

01:55:06.600 into my career.

01:55:07.240 Oh, it's fascinating, man.

01:55:08.420 Because if you're always aiming for perfection, then.

01:55:11.820 But a lot of times if you showing up and delivering and good enough, because most people don't

01:55:17.860 even go that far.

01:55:18.740 The fear of the of not being prepared for perfection prevents them sometimes from taking

01:55:23.360 the step where it's the fear of not being able to achieve perfection.

01:55:26.820 I just accept early on.

01:55:28.180 It's like never going to be fucking perfect.

01:55:29.620 And you're never the dictator of this anyway.

01:55:31.880 And I don't mean the dictator like a guy or an autocrat.

01:55:34.260 You don't get to dictate whether or not that thing is what it is that you say it is.

01:55:39.140 You make a thing with one intention.

01:55:40.700 The audience is going to tell you what that fucking thing is, what it means and shit like

01:55:44.760 that.

01:55:45.040 This is a story I tell an awful lot.

01:55:46.900 So if you've heard this in another place, I apologize.

01:55:49.540 But when I was making the 430 movie, and this ain't to bring it back to that, it's

01:55:54.740 relevant to this conversation.

01:55:56.400 I was shooting a scene with the three boys.

01:55:57.820 They're in the car and they're just like fucking goofing off.

01:55:59.620 While they're driving, dancing while they drive, playing Chaka Khans, I feel for you.

01:56:04.500 So they were, you know, for direction, I went over to the vehicle and I was like, kids,

01:56:09.120 you know, you're just goofing around and dance, whatever the fuck, do whatever you want.

01:56:14.340 Just as long as you make it iconic.

01:56:16.360 And I walked away and that fucked all of their heads up.

01:56:19.500 I had no idea.

01:56:20.500 Like Nick, who plays Bernie in the movie was like, that's your fucking direction.

01:56:26.100 Make it iconic.

01:56:26.900 That's a little fucking pressure, don't you think?

01:56:28.800 And I was like, well, no.

01:56:30.220 Oh, then I realized I have the benefit of experience.

01:56:33.240 I've been doing this for 30 years.

01:56:34.480 I was like, what I mean by that is that every decision that you're making here in real time

01:56:39.200 is like dropping a stone in the water and watching the ripple effect or the butterfly effect.

01:56:44.640 Like it's crazy what people years from now will concentrate on about this weird little moment

01:56:53.220 in the movie that you're just like, what should we do?

01:56:55.900 And I'm like, oh, just make it iconic.

01:56:57.400 And I mean that because people will be watching this scene forever and it will hopefully connect

01:57:03.260 with them.

01:57:03.560 Even if it's somebody who wasn't alive in 1986, a current day teenager who could see that fucking

01:57:08.380 sense that joy that's in the scene.

01:57:10.660 So these things we do in the moment, like this very, it passes and it's just a fucking

01:57:15.520 Kevin Smith movie.

01:57:16.420 But I promise you, this movie is somebody, it's going to be somebody's fucking life preserver.

01:57:20.740 It's going to be their buoy that's going to keep them fucking drowning.

01:57:23.160 And I know that because I've been doing it 30 years.

01:57:25.380 And I was at the Dallas Fan Expo like last year and a guy came up to me, it was like in

01:57:30.360 his maybe early 30s, late 20s, early 30s.

01:57:33.340 And he had a copy of Mallrats on VHS.

01:57:35.840 Very well-worn copy and shit.

01:57:37.240 I was like, holy shit, look at this fucking ancient piece of Americana.

01:57:40.560 I mean, how many times you watch this?

01:57:41.740 He goes, a lot.

01:57:43.100 I said, who am I signing it to?

01:57:44.380 He goes, I want you to make it out to my son.

01:57:46.280 Gave me his son's name.

01:57:47.880 I was like, what's the story there?

01:57:49.520 You get a few minutes to have this exchange.

01:57:51.660 And my man rocks my fucking world.

01:57:53.040 And he goes, I'm going to give this to my son when he's older.

01:57:58.420 He's gone, this is the movie that saved my life.

01:58:00.780 And I'm like, thank you.

01:58:02.240 And you hear that a lot.

01:58:03.300 I'm sure you've heard that too, where people are like, bro, your show saved my life or blah,

01:58:06.500 blah, blah.

01:58:07.120 Sometimes I'm driving.

01:58:08.120 You're the difference between me going crazy and not.

01:58:10.060 Or I saw your stand-up special.

01:58:11.600 It made me fucking laugh.

01:58:12.640 And I needed that on that day because I was circling the fucking drain.

01:58:16.760 So in this business, we have experience with people that perhaps overly express it by saying

01:58:21.920 something like, oh my God, fucking your shit saved my life and stuff.

01:58:25.560 So I've heard that sentiment.

01:58:26.640 And I know how to receive it.

01:58:27.900 And I'm like, oh my God, thank you.

01:58:28.980 That's so kind.

01:58:30.140 And he goes, no, I'm serious.

01:58:31.320 He's going, my father used to beat the shit out of me every day after school.

01:58:35.400 I'd come home and he would mercilessly, relentlessly beat me to the point of fucking near dying.

01:58:40.500 Wow.

01:58:40.720 He's like, and then I would crawl to my bedroom, bloody mess.

01:58:43.740 And I would close the bedroom door and I'd put in mall rats and I would escape to the

01:58:47.460 mall with TS and Brody and Jay and Silent Bob.

01:58:50.380 And he's going, and that was my happy place.

01:58:52.400 And that's how I survived living with my father through this fucking tape.

01:58:56.500 He goes, now I have a son and he's gone and I would never be the piece of shit that

01:59:01.740 my fucking father was to me my whole life.

01:59:04.460 And I want to give my kid this tape when he's old enough.

01:59:06.680 So he understands he could survive anything because his father survived the absolute worst.

01:59:11.020 And this was what he clung to.

01:59:12.880 Wow.

01:59:13.340 And naturally I gave him a big hug and I was like, no, dude, you survived that shit.

01:59:16.540 Like fucking, this is just a movie that might've helped.

01:59:18.480 But like when you share of yourself like that and you go off and make and, you know,

01:59:23.440 it don't matter what it is, when it comes to movies, they have this weird impact.

01:59:27.680 It doesn't matter what we do when it comes to this show, when it comes to your live shows,

01:59:30.920 but particularly when you make something like a movie, people cherish that kind of thing

01:59:34.800 because you're in and out.

01:59:36.080 There's an engagement period, 90 minutes to two hours is going to take you on a ride

01:59:39.880 and then bring you back and leave you where you were.

01:59:42.540 So everyone knows what to expect in that.

01:59:44.860 And over the course of their lifetime, they've turned to movies in times of trial.

01:59:49.380 Oh yeah.

01:59:49.940 I watch Family Man every year to feel good.

01:59:52.220 So you create that and you become that for somebody else.

01:59:56.700 So movie you're talking about making with Spade, I guarantee you one day somebody comes up to you

02:00:01.080 and tells you a story as fucking heartbreaking, yet as wonderful as that,

02:00:04.520 which is like something you didn't even give that much thought to.

02:00:07.440 Like if my man came up to you, he was like dogma saved my life.

02:00:09.700 I'd be like, I understand it, man.

02:00:10.900 Like fucking, I worked hard on that.

02:00:12.580 And that movie is pretty fucking profound on some levels and shit.

02:00:15.940 Yes, it has a lot of butt fucking jokes, but I like to balance it out.

02:00:18.260 But when somebody tells you like mall rats saved their life, you're like, I wasn't thinking of that when I made that movie.

02:00:23.520 Do you think 25-year-old Kevin Smith was going, this is going to save somebody's life?

02:00:28.120 Hold on.

02:00:28.520 Jay, get ready to fucking swing me across the fucking mall.

02:00:32.620 You don't think about that.

02:00:34.260 So when I told the kids, make it iconic, that's what it comes down to.

02:00:37.560 Even the things you're not thinking about that as being important, you think are dismissive or just, oh, it's just a moment in a movie.

02:00:44.540 Someone will find that as the buoy that keeps them from fucking drowning.

02:00:48.480 So every moment then is kind of important.

02:00:50.380 But isn't that the lesson of life in general?

02:00:52.360 Every moment is kind of important, man.

02:00:54.360 Like, you know, when I was in the nuthouse, they say all sorts of simplistic shit, which is fucking really helpful.

02:00:59.060 You can put it on a towel and stuff in a kitchen, aphorism or whatever the fuck.

02:01:03.660 And what they say, every day is a gift.

02:01:05.960 That's why it's called the present.

02:01:07.660 And it's kind of true.

02:01:08.880 Like, it's absolutely true.

02:01:10.000 Like, so often we're so fucking bored as a species that we don't think about.

02:01:13.900 Like, you're only going to get so many breaths.

02:01:15.500 You're only going to get so many heartbeats and shit like that.

02:01:18.000 And I always tell my wife after the heart attack, I was like, oh, I'm living on borrowed time.

02:01:22.220 And she's like, well, that's fucking macabre.

02:01:23.880 And I was like, no.

02:01:25.320 I'm painfully aware.

02:01:26.660 We're all living on borrowed time.

02:01:28.200 I'm just fucking well aware of it.

02:01:29.860 Act accordingly.

02:01:31.140 Do you think, like, as a creator, do you ever want to invent something?

02:01:33.960 Did you ever also think about inventing something, but you didn't do it?

02:01:36.880 Because a lot of times people who are creative think about things like this.

02:01:39.780 Has there ever been one?

02:01:40.520 Not an invention like fucking Floby or something like that.

02:01:43.280 Right, but anyone that kind of stood out in your head or something?

02:01:45.160 Because I thought, like.

02:01:45.800 I've been trying to make this movie Moose Jaws for 10 years.

02:01:48.280 One day I'm going to get, it's going to happen.

02:01:49.820 I'm going to find the money for it.

02:01:50.940 And eventually I'm going to get to the place where I'm like, you know what?

02:01:53.780 I'll just put up my house.

02:01:54.900 I ain't got Theo Vaughn money and shit, but I got a nice house where I could probably.

02:01:58.240 You can live in that Celsius cooler if you want to have things for your day.

02:02:00.440 I will.

02:02:01.040 I'll sell my house and live there.

02:02:02.080 I'm like, honey, get ready.

02:02:03.280 Because who, like, yeah, I always say, like, who invented the swimming pool or whatever?

02:02:05.760 Like, I always think about who invented certain stuff, you know?

02:02:07.920 Or like, and then I think if I would want to have an invention, like I thought of.

02:02:10.980 Oh, I used to think there was a dog collar or whatever that if, because they had a lot

02:02:16.300 of howling dogs by us when I was a kid.

02:02:17.940 And so if it howled, it would help the dog learn how to howl more melodically or whatever.

02:02:25.940 Like, adorable.

02:02:28.620 Musically, you know, so eventually the howls.

02:02:30.840 So it's not just like, oh, it's like, oh, there's somebody to howl with.

02:02:34.340 Because they always harmonize when there's more than one.

02:02:36.820 Right.

02:02:37.080 So for the lonely dog, it's almost like having a pocket pal.

02:02:39.900 Like Bell Biv Dogbo or Dogbo or something.

02:02:43.080 Like a Meso-Spaniel or whatever.

02:02:44.780 It's a first draft for a name, but I like where you're going.

02:02:46.560 Yeah.

02:02:46.640 Okay, good.

02:02:47.160 Yeah.

02:02:47.480 But wouldn't it be beautiful if you're laying there and one of them house you like these

02:02:50.700 motherfuckers, but then they're like, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

02:02:53.020 Totally.

02:02:53.480 And they're all fucking singing in unison and shit.

02:02:55.340 So I thought if you could do a group collar, like for a neighborhood or small region, I thought

02:02:59.300 that that would be pretty cool.

02:03:00.820 And then you, and then fucking they're the next Nirvana.

02:03:04.340 Three neighborhood dogs that just got together and have these harmonized collars.

02:03:08.100 Yeah.

02:03:08.420 And people are like, he's singing exactly how I fucking feel.

02:03:11.060 I don't know what he's saying, but that's how I feel.

02:03:13.240 That's the beautiful thing about art.

02:03:14.340 You don't even have to know the lyrics to a song by Dog Nirvana.

02:03:17.180 You just feel it when you play it.

02:03:18.760 It's why if I was a, if I, I wish I was in a different art form.

02:03:21.500 If I was a singer, I could open up my mouth, sing a note, and you'd know how I felt.

02:03:25.480 That'd be me, my self-expression.

02:03:27.000 If I was a painter, I could take a blank canvas, put some color on it.

02:03:29.560 You'd know how I felt.

02:03:30.420 But I'm a director.

02:03:31.560 I chose directing as an art form, as the dumbest art form, because that's where you say shit.

02:03:35.160 Like, I need to self-express, give me $20 million in Ben Affleck's stat.

02:03:39.720 It's, it's not, it's not the, it's, it's not the best art form for a guy like me.

02:03:45.000 I always felt like me in film was like me trying, like I took Spanish in high school,

02:03:49.740 four years in Spanish.

02:03:50.280 Oh, yeah.

02:03:50.620 But very minimal.

02:03:51.320 I might have.

02:03:51.600 Un poco Spanish.

02:03:52.460 So I always think of me as a filmmaker, as like somebody who took four years of high school

02:03:56.860 Spanish, you know, and got C's to D's, and then tries to go to Spain and passes as a local.

02:04:02.840 Oh, I see what you're saying.

02:04:03.860 Like, visually speaking, visual storytelling is not my first language.

02:04:07.300 Like, this shit?

02:04:08.420 If movies were this?

02:04:09.700 Like, just two dudes sitting down and talking?

02:04:11.500 Yeah.

02:04:12.120 You'd be down to Jerry Garcia.

02:04:13.700 Oh, fuck.

02:04:14.540 Jerry Garcia, man.

02:04:15.420 I'd be making that Theovan money and shit.

02:04:17.780 Right on.

02:04:18.960 You've gotten, yeah, but did you ever think of an invention?

02:04:21.580 I just think creative people always wonder if they think of inventions, you know?

02:04:25.440 I don't.

02:04:25.740 I'm not creative.

02:04:26.300 I guess you've struck the nerve.

02:04:28.280 I'm not creative because I would think of an invention if I did, but I never.

02:04:31.440 I doubt that.

02:04:32.160 I know that's not true.

02:04:32.880 I'm too self-involved.

02:04:33.620 My head's up my head.

02:04:34.080 You've created a lot of stuff.

02:04:35.080 Yeah, but just about me and my world and shit.

02:04:37.240 Very myopic.

02:04:38.100 So, no, I've never thought like, ooh, this invention would be good for others.

02:04:41.280 I've never like done something that's like, gotta be a better way.

02:04:44.440 You've gotten to direct a lot of, you got to direct George Carlin.

02:04:47.540 You've gotten to direct Ben Affleck.

02:04:48.900 Like, anything that stands out to you about talented men like that in general or talented

02:04:55.240 actors in general?

02:04:56.160 Anything that they all have in common or something that you notice about people that are able

02:05:00.720 to grab people's attention?

02:05:02.460 It's a cool question.

02:05:03.440 I like it.

02:05:04.260 Let me see.

02:05:06.260 Is there such a thing as like, that person's got it?

02:05:09.160 I do believe in that.

02:05:10.440 Yeah, I guess it's a mess.

02:05:11.120 What are the kids called today?

02:05:11.780 Riz?

02:05:12.180 Riz, yeah.

02:05:13.000 Aura.

02:05:13.880 Aura?

02:05:14.300 That's the new word?

02:05:15.240 Thank you.

02:05:15.500 Yeah, I think anyway.

02:05:16.640 I'm not sure.

02:05:17.000 Anytime I get a new word, I dial my clock back a little bit.

02:05:19.420 Aura, kids.

02:05:21.040 But let's just go with the Riz, which was like, I don't know, 10 minutes ago or whatever

02:05:23.980 the fuck.

02:05:25.120 The ones that got the Riz, those are the ones you know about.

02:05:28.020 Like, they work a lot because they've got this like natural charisma where it's like

02:05:31.520 camera loves them.

02:05:32.600 They know how to be exactly in front of a camera.

02:05:35.340 You know, somebody like Brad Pitt, born to be in front of a camera.

02:05:37.900 You know, and one could argue like, well, over time he learned how to be in front of

02:05:41.240 a camera.

02:05:41.560 Sure, maybe.

02:05:42.080 But like, number one, he's attractive to look at.

02:05:44.300 In the movies, we like to look at attractive people and stuff.

02:05:47.060 Number two, he seems very relaxed and natural.

02:05:49.320 So you never like, he's acting.

02:05:51.360 It almost seems like he's fucking underacting a lot of times.

02:05:53.760 He's just not phoning it in, but he ain't trying, man.

02:05:56.380 You don't get the feeling that this thirsty motherfucker's really going for it.

02:05:59.960 Just there.

02:06:01.160 And he eats all the time in the movies.

02:06:02.940 He's always just sitting there fucking eating and shit.

02:06:04.560 Casual as fuck.

02:06:05.320 So that dude's got like, dripping with charisma.

02:06:08.020 That's why he's a goddamn movie star.

02:06:09.960 So all of them, when you reach that level, like where you're casting people who've been

02:06:14.700 in other things that are famous, they're all fucking, they all got the riz.

02:06:18.660 They're all Jedi's.

02:06:19.720 Like at a certain point, you start working with complete Jedi's across the board.

02:06:22.980 It's just a, you know, a fucking matter of how Jedi are they?

02:06:26.720 How fucking powerful are they?

02:06:28.380 And stuff like everyone could do it, but like some people are exceptional.

02:06:31.060 So Michael Parks, the guy that was in Red State for us in Tusk, he's the crazy old man

02:06:36.700 in Red State in Tusk.

02:06:38.380 He passed on, rest in power.

02:06:42.400 That dude was like brilliant.

02:06:45.280 The finest actor I've ever met, best actor I've ever met in my life.

02:06:48.620 He gives an eight minute hate speech in Red State that like, I'm not going to say it almost

02:06:52.940 convinces you, but like you forget that it's a vile fucking speech that he's giving because

02:06:58.380 it's delivered so incredibly well and through the Southern Patois that he chose and stuff.

02:07:03.700 That guy has had it.

02:07:05.360 He's passed now.

02:07:07.700 But yes, to answer the question, absolutely.

02:07:11.260 I think it's, there's other words for it.

02:07:14.420 People, you always say they got it, but for lack of a better description, it would be

02:07:18.760 the Riz.

02:07:19.180 They got the Riz and ready to go, man.

02:07:21.340 Like extra.

02:07:22.560 Do you think it's kind of gross how the media, like the media always takes pictures of Ben

02:07:26.180 Affleck looking sad, you know, or trying to make him look sad?

02:07:29.040 That's only because the public's interested in it.

02:07:30.920 Like if they did it once and nobody clicked on it, they wouldn't take, they wouldn't fucking

02:07:34.020 run that story again.

02:07:35.020 But people find it fascinating where they're like, why is that guy who must be so rich and

02:07:38.820 has it all, why does he look like that?

02:07:40.740 And you got to think about this.

02:07:41.820 But they know he struggles with addiction, right?

02:07:42.680 They know that that's happening.

02:07:43.860 So like, isn't it gross then at that point to, if you know somebody has like, because

02:07:48.580 alcoholism-

02:07:49.520 Do I think it's, do I think it's fair?

02:07:50.960 No.

02:07:51.620 But like, he knew the job was dangerous when he took it.

02:07:54.860 He's in a high profile public position.

02:07:58.500 Unfortunately, that comes along with it.

02:08:00.180 You can't just sign up for movie star worldwide global fame and go like, yeah, but nobody can

02:08:05.500 take pictures of me when I'm not in a good mood, right?

02:08:07.740 Like that's part of the rule.

02:08:08.740 Like if you go out in the world, we live in a world of cameras, that's going to happen.

02:08:13.460 But it only keeps happening because they did it once and people clicked on it and found

02:08:17.420 it interesting and then started making memes about it.

02:08:19.300 So then people keep feeding the beast.

02:08:21.780 So I, you know, do I think it's fair?

02:08:24.920 Well, let's break it.

02:08:26.020 Let's break it down like this.

02:08:27.260 I'll break it down like, like a Catholic, you know, Ben's wife, Ben's life is pretty

02:08:33.840 wonderful from the outside.

02:08:35.940 It looks like, and, and even from the inside, knowing him, it's pretty wonderful.

02:08:39.020 And Ben's gotten to see a lot of his dreams come true.

02:08:42.780 If the cost is every once in a while, somebody is like, he looks fucking sad when he's drinking

02:08:47.400 Dunkin' Donuts.

02:08:48.660 Yeah.

02:08:50.020 I mean, at the end of the day, you got to let that shit go.

02:08:52.280 And now that's easy for me to say as a guy who like still finds himself dipping into the

02:08:56.520 comments going, what are they saying about me?

02:08:58.600 Which is fucking recipe for disaster.

02:09:01.040 Ben is not that guy.

02:09:02.060 As far as I know, Ben has never had a social media account.

02:09:04.640 I mean, he's had a social media account, but somebody else fed into it.

02:09:07.780 He was not the guy posting.

02:09:09.000 So he ain't looking for that shit.

02:09:10.300 He's not real public and stuff, but it comes along with the job.

02:09:13.500 If you're going to be the guy who, you know, you were one half of the Goodwall hunting

02:09:17.240 boys that the whole world fell in love with.

02:09:19.380 You took your moms to the Oscars?

02:09:21.620 Come on.

02:09:22.320 There's nothing cuter about that.

02:09:23.440 They're asshole kids and whatnot.

02:09:25.400 And, you know, a lot of-

02:09:27.440 And the Patriots won so much.

02:09:29.320 And the fervency that goes along with that.

02:09:31.220 Yeah, fuck him.

02:09:31.800 You're right.

02:09:32.460 Not fuck him.

02:09:33.300 No, yeah.

02:09:33.660 Sorry about it.

02:09:34.160 Yeah, just-

02:09:34.820 It just comes along with it.

02:09:36.740 So if you don't want that anymore, give up the other thing.

02:09:40.060 Yeah.

02:09:40.360 But unfortunately, it's a byproduct of the job that you've chosen.

02:09:44.620 And like, you know, if Ben was a teacher in Cambridge, he'd go out, smoke a cigarette,

02:09:51.880 drink Dunkin' Donuts, and look like he's having an existential crisis all he wants,

02:09:55.260 and nobody would give a fuck.

02:09:56.240 Yeah, it's true.

02:09:56.760 But because he's Ben Affleck, people have this idea that like, he should be happier than

02:09:59.500 that.

02:09:59.740 And it's like, come on, man.

02:10:00.840 Like, people are like, think about-

02:10:02.640 Like, I live in a world of three-act structure, and I realize it has really fucked me up for

02:10:06.240 my entire life.

02:10:07.260 Three-act structure is movies.

02:10:10.120 Yeah.

02:10:10.340 And they always have an ending that's generally on the happy side, but there's an ending and

02:10:15.180 a conclusion.

02:10:16.620 And when those credits roll, those characters don't have to fucking go back to work on Monday

02:10:21.020 and just have a normal-ass fucking day, or then you see them fail, or you see that couple

02:10:25.860 that fell in love fucking, like, fall apart and shit like that.

02:10:28.460 You don't see that.

02:10:29.080 Movies are happy snapshots, moments, and stuff like that.

02:10:32.680 So most people think like somebody like Affleck is like, oh my God, this guy's got it made.

02:10:36.620 He must be happy every fucking second of the day.

02:10:39.060 It's impossible.

02:10:39.640 Oh, I don't think that at all.

02:10:41.120 Oh, to be fucking happy.

02:10:41.700 I think he's probably just a regular dude.

02:10:43.380 I just think it's sick-

02:10:44.200 100%.

02:10:44.780 If like, that there's websites and shit, if somebody has, you know, suffers from like

02:10:49.740 alcoholism or something, they know that they're, you know, that there's something kind of-

02:10:55.040 It's a condition that they would then do that.

02:10:58.120 It just seems egregious to me.

02:11:00.320 Like, I wouldn't do that to somebody like, oh, this person has a sickness, let me show

02:11:05.100 them looking depressed or something.

02:11:06.440 It just seems-

02:11:07.100 Neither would I, and generally I don't engage in that sort of thing.

02:11:09.980 Yeah.

02:11:10.160 But I just want to take a moment to shout you out for this.

02:11:14.240 That's very sweet of you, Theo.

02:11:15.860 Like, that's most people going the other direction.

02:11:18.540 People love a train wreck, right?

02:11:19.800 Nobody goes to the train station to see the train come in fucking on time unless you're

02:11:24.360 getting on the fucking train.

02:11:25.380 That ain't interesting.

02:11:26.200 But with a train wreck, oh fuck.

02:11:27.900 Yeah.

02:11:28.040 Let's go look at the fucking bodies, as George Carlin would say.

02:11:30.940 So it's nice to hear you go like, I don't like that.

02:11:33.060 Like, you got a line where you're like, this guy's got drinking problems or has had drinking

02:11:37.000 problems.

02:11:37.380 This might make him drink again.

02:11:39.080 That's human to think that way.

02:11:41.120 The rest of the world don't think that way.

02:11:42.320 The rest of the world looks at that guy and they go, fuck him.

02:11:44.680 He's got it all.

02:11:45.500 Yeah.

02:11:45.940 So now if the fucking Pats are winning, fuck him.

02:11:48.340 I know.

02:11:48.780 I know there are levels and shit like that.

02:11:50.440 Are you a sports guy?

02:11:51.640 I am a little bit.

02:11:52.480 I got two more questions.

02:11:53.580 Did you, I know you're, did you.

02:11:55.240 I apparently have way more questions.

02:11:56.480 I'm like, are you a sports guy?

02:11:57.880 Did you go to Stan Lee's funeral?

02:12:00.100 I did not go to Stan Lee's funeral.

02:12:01.480 Did you think about it?

02:12:02.400 I don't know if you guys were even close or anything.

02:12:03.820 I went to Stan Lee's final birthday party, which was in December, the few months before

02:12:09.760 he passed away or right before, you know, or he was 95 and he almost made it to

02:12:15.560 96.

02:12:16.200 So it was his 95th birthday party.

02:12:17.760 I still have pictures on my phone.

02:12:19.740 When they buried him, I would, I didn't get invited.

02:12:23.220 And I'm not saying like, oh, fuck them.

02:12:24.840 They didn't invite me, but there was no like, Hey, you could come or anything.

02:12:28.160 But we were fucking close, man.

02:12:30.640 Like, like in the last year of his life, nobody was close to him because the situation people

02:12:36.220 kept him away from people.

02:12:37.560 He was kind of, there was an elder abuse situation going on.

02:12:41.580 Yeah.

02:12:41.980 That party right there was December 28th, 2017.

02:12:44.880 Happy birthday.

02:12:46.700 And then he died a few months after that.

02:12:48.680 So, but the last year of his life, it was tough to be around him.

02:12:52.380 And I don't mean tough to be around him because like, what an asshole.

02:12:54.460 I mean, you couldn't get near him.

02:12:55.980 The people who were kind of in charge of him kept everyone away.

02:12:59.820 I couldn't text him anymore, even call him and shit like that.

02:13:02.460 So I didn't have access toward the end.

02:13:04.740 It was a sad ending for, for Stan.

02:13:08.280 But I realized like toward the end, we did a commercial, an Audi commercial when Age of Ultron was coming out.

02:13:16.600 And the premise of the commercial was like the Stan Lee school of cameo acting.

02:13:20.160 So he would put on like Thor's helmet and be like, this is acting.

02:13:23.980 And then he'd put on like a random general helmet.

02:13:25.760 He's like, this is cameo acting because Stan did a lot of cameos and shit.

02:13:29.540 So the whole spot is that.

02:13:30.720 And then he gets in an Audi and drives away.

02:13:32.320 And it's a class.

02:13:33.120 I'm in the class.

02:13:33.760 Jason Mewes is in the class.

02:13:35.320 Michael Rooker's in the class.

02:13:36.660 I've seen it.

02:13:37.280 Yeah, it ran like years and years ago.

02:13:39.540 So we shoot this spot and I was hanging out with Stan all day.

02:13:43.400 And then we're doing the last shot where car goes past Lou Ferrigno hitchhiking, like at the end of The Incredible Hulk.

02:13:49.100 I saw him at the post office once.

02:13:51.160 Lou Ferrigno?

02:13:51.880 Yeah.

02:13:52.200 Awesome, dude.

02:13:52.840 Nice.

02:13:53.200 Very nice to me.

02:13:54.500 So Stan's like body man, business guy, financial guy, came to set to like watch the end of the show.

02:14:04.040 And he was hanging out by monitor and we were chit-chatting.

02:14:06.240 And he was like, oh, I love this stuff.

02:14:07.640 I love production.

02:14:08.360 He's going, Stan's so happy.

02:14:09.940 He always has a good time hanging out with you.

02:14:12.260 And I was like, oh, I always like being around Stan.

02:14:14.620 It just seemed like a nice thing to say.

02:14:16.460 And then the guy like fucking lethal is a heart attack.

02:14:18.560 He goes, you know, he thinks of you like a son.

02:14:20.700 Fucking like I was like, what?

02:14:23.580 And then it occurred to me that like I always thought he was just being nice to me because we put him in mall rats.

02:14:29.780 Like he was just being Stan, political.

02:14:32.840 He was just like, hey, everybody.

02:14:33.860 You know, everybody's fucking grandpa and shit.

02:14:36.860 But he legit actually like liked me as a person.

02:14:41.400 Yeah, when I see that picture, actually, I thought of that for a second kind of.

02:14:44.360 He taught me a lot.

02:14:45.120 He kind of had a little bit of a father-son vibe kind of.

02:14:47.020 He taught me how to be me for a living.

02:14:48.480 He didn't sit me down and be like, this is how I'd be.

02:14:49.880 But this is a dude who like, you know, it was one thing to be creative, right?

02:14:54.300 Like he co-created most of the Marvel Universe.

02:14:57.900 And yes, you know, of course, he worked great artists like Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby and whatnot.

02:15:03.780 But like the imagination that went into it, this was a man who wanted to write the great American novel.

02:15:08.520 Like I remember talking to him, interviewing him at one point.

02:15:10.480 He was like, well, I really wanted to write the great American novel.

02:15:12.740 I was like, Stan, you did.

02:15:14.940 Like you just didn't do it as a book.

02:15:16.980 You did it with the Marvel Universe.

02:15:18.560 It's our modern fucking mythology.

02:15:20.900 But he wasn't aiming for that.

02:15:22.080 Wow, that's so true.

02:15:22.580 It was just something he did for money and backed into.

02:15:24.900 And then later on, the culture shifted like into his favor because people like comics.

02:15:29.800 But he was like fucking banging the symbols for comics since I was a kid.

02:15:34.660 I remember my father like calling me out one morning.

02:15:37.740 I was getting ready for school.

02:15:38.560 He goes, get inside.

02:15:40.020 Spider-Man's dad is on TV.

02:15:41.940 And it was on Good Morning America talking to like,

02:15:44.440 one of the earliest hosts of before even Joan London on Good Morning America about comic books.

02:15:50.020 And here was a grown ass adult man on television talking about something I was passionate about,

02:15:55.780 something that I knew very well and loved.

02:15:57.480 So I respected the dude right away.

02:15:59.440 I knew his voice even before I saw him and even before I heard his voice.

02:16:02.520 And like Spider-Man has amazing friends in every episode because he would write that Stan's soapbox.

02:16:07.300 And in it, he was a salesman.

02:16:09.540 He was an artist, don't get me wrong.

02:16:11.220 And he co-created all those characters.

02:16:13.220 But that don't mean shit.

02:16:15.220 You could make a million books and characters and shit.

02:16:17.720 If you don't know how to sell yourself, sell your work, nobody's going to hear about it.

02:16:21.820 And that guy, you know, a lot of people are like, he took all the credit himself.

02:16:25.220 I'm not here to address that.

02:16:27.000 All I know is he pushed the medium of comics so far.

02:16:30.940 He was out there in the mainstream.

02:16:32.320 He would go to colleges before anyone respected comic books.

02:16:36.160 When colleges were like, these books, you know, 10, 20 years after Stan wrote these stories, he would be invited to come proselytize, talk about the art form, the emerging art form.

02:16:45.820 And one of the only true American art forms is the fucking comic book, the superhero comic book.

02:16:50.240 So this was a man who was like out there doing the work, like building the fucking rails upon which billion dollar fucking steamships move now.

02:17:00.100 I mean, Deadpool doesn't happen if that doesn't happen.

02:17:02.080 Exactly.

02:17:02.660 And he didn't create Deadpool, nor did he create Wolverine.

02:17:05.780 But he created the playground in which those two characters were created by other creators in the Marvel universe, comics and stuff.

02:17:13.000 So yeah, I, I, yeah, I miss him and I learned a lot from him.

02:17:16.840 It's like, you can't expect other people to love your shit unless you love it first.

02:17:20.840 You got to love it the best.

02:17:21.700 That's what I was saying like a long time ago.

02:17:23.640 You're the only audience you can guarantee to satisfy.

02:17:26.840 So if you can keep your budget low, real low, and it don't matter, go for it and stuff, but just don't expect the whole world's going to come.

02:17:33.740 Modify your expectations like my wife.

02:17:36.940 So the 430 movie, it's about 85 minutes long.

02:17:42.400 And it touches on like young love, kind of that first moment.

02:17:45.600 Oh, it's dripping with fucking young love.

02:17:48.140 God, you remember that?

02:17:49.080 You remember going to your first date movie or not?

02:17:50.940 At that movie theater.

02:17:53.040 Absolutely.

02:17:53.480 The whole movie is about that first date with my high school girlfriend, like Kim Loughran, who Kim Garby now, she married.

02:18:01.260 But the, the, the flick is set at the movie theater, Spock Castle Cinemas that I have with my friends in Jersey and Atlantic Islands.

02:18:09.980 You can go to it and go see movies there.

02:18:11.340 We do events there all the time, SpockCastleCinemas.com.

02:18:13.840 Look for events.

02:18:14.440 It's in Red Bank?

02:18:15.260 In Atlantic Highlands, New Jersey.

02:18:16.860 Atlantic Highlands.

02:18:17.200 Not far from Red Bank.

02:18:18.560 But in that theater hanging up like behind the ticket counter is a note that I wrote to Kim, Kim Loughran wrote to me when we were in high school.

02:18:28.120 And it said, Kevin, will you take me to see Dirty Dancing at the Atlantic Highlands Twin Cinema this Thursday or whatever?

02:18:36.760 Love, Kim.

02:18:37.120 So it's hanging up at the theater because like the note was about that theater and I grew up and bought that fucking theater with my friends and kept it alive and stuff.

02:18:45.720 So the movie is aching with like star-crossed first love.

02:18:49.600 And, you know, I remember to talk about I'd read a review for Pretty in Pink when I was a kid and it was in the Asbury Park Press, our local paper, and I could never figure out who wrote it.

02:18:58.800 It wasn't the person who reviewed films locally.

02:19:01.520 So it was a wire service review.

02:19:02.880 But of Pretty in Pink, they said, sometimes you just want to enjoy a movie where the biggest stakes are whether or not the kids are going to go to the prom.

02:19:12.460 And that stayed with me since that fucking movie years and years and 40 years ago.

02:19:16.420 So this movie is incredibly low stakes.

02:19:18.880 It's just like, are they going to go on the date or not?

02:19:21.000 Yeah.

02:19:21.180 I was just aching with like that fucking like, oh, what it was like to be a kid in those days before there was social media, before you were kind of isolated on your cell phone.

02:19:29.020 Phones play a big part in the movie, but it's like emergency breakthroughs.

02:19:34.040 Like, and there are cordless phones, but it's like the pull up the thing as you talk and a lot of fucking push button dialing and stuff.

02:19:40.820 So it's of an era that like, you know, that I grew up in that kind of shaped me.

02:19:44.880 And most of the movies I've ever made have been about like the 90s, so to speak.

02:19:48.400 I would love that though.

02:19:49.000 And this movie is more about the 80s, takes you back to like 86.

02:19:51.820 So it is.

02:19:52.420 It's really like wears its heart on its fucking sleeve.

02:19:55.440 And the kids in it are amazing.

02:19:56.960 Austin, Nick, Reed, Sienna, like a fantastic cast.

02:20:01.600 When I finished the script, normally when I make a movie, I'm like, script's the best thing about it.

02:20:06.560 Yeah.

02:20:06.880 And I always felt that way because I'm like, we can get a cool cast, but it's all predicated on the script.

02:20:11.360 This is the first time I read one of my scripts and I was like, well, I hope the cast is real good because there's not a lot going on in the script.

02:20:17.340 I said, but if the cast is charming, this movie will work.

02:20:19.840 And the cast is crazy, wonderful, charming.

02:20:22.400 And so if the movie works at all, it's because of them, because of Ken Jeong, because of Justin Long, because of all the people that are in it.

02:20:29.200 But September 13th, you can see the theater near you and then digitally, of course, it'll come back.

02:20:33.000 We'll share about it on my socials too, man.

02:20:35.260 I'll make sure that we remember that.

02:20:36.960 Yeah, I remember being that age just praying that my dick would be big.

02:20:40.080 You know, we used to do that all the time.

02:20:41.480 Me and my buddy Scott.

02:20:42.280 I prayed for that.

02:20:42.720 I was always okay with the dick size.

02:20:44.200 And it wasn't big, but I was like, when did you realize you didn't have a big dick?

02:20:48.540 Like, why were you praying for something?

02:20:50.140 For all you knew, you had the biggest dick in the world.

02:20:51.520 Well, I think at like 12 or 13, you started praying, or some people started praying about

02:20:55.180 it like around us.

02:20:55.580 But did you have a size comparison to look at and be like, my dick's not like that?

02:20:58.500 No, but you just knew people wanted to have-

02:21:00.040 How did you just know, Theo?

02:21:01.340 People said like, oh, you got a little, people would say, oh-

02:21:04.100 Why'd you believe him?

02:21:05.240 You had no proof.

02:21:06.160 Proof's in the pudding.

02:21:07.140 If you're not seeing it, you're not being it.

02:21:08.940 So all this time you've been worried that you got not a big enough dick, you could have gone

02:21:13.760 home anytime you wanted.

02:21:15.260 All you had to do was click your heels together.

02:21:18.540 You have, for all you know, you got the biggest dick in the world.

02:21:20.920 You know what?

02:21:21.460 Your show.

02:21:21.960 Whip it out.

02:21:22.380 Let's find out.

02:21:23.040 I'll take out mine, and you're going to feel like a champion.

02:21:25.680 You're going to be like, oh, I'm better than them in this way, too.

02:21:27.700 Hey, look, you can hot 11 of my dicks by one Celsius can.

02:21:31.240 I'll tell you that.

02:21:32.120 That's my dream, to be thick as a Celsius can, and just as tasty.

02:21:35.880 Oh, now we're talking.

02:21:37.460 Yes.

02:21:38.020 Arctic blast, dude.

02:21:38.860 It'd be very easy to get blown if you taste it like Arctic blast.

02:21:41.860 Especially if your wiener had like one of those pop things at the end, like a pop top.

02:21:45.020 If they could just pop it over.

02:21:46.000 And also, if when they were done, they were going to be like, I'm going to feel energetic

02:21:48.780 because I'm going to burn extra calories.

02:21:50.900 I'm ready for work.

02:21:52.520 That would change your wife's behavior in the morning, I think.

02:21:54.760 It truly would.

02:21:55.560 Maybe I could get like 8 a.m., 9 a.m. going on.

02:21:58.540 God, I'm going to pray about that.

02:22:00.260 So wait, but you said something before.

02:22:02.440 Right now, you're not in a relationship?

02:22:03.900 No.

02:22:04.360 When was the last year's relationship?

02:22:05.580 Probably like four or five years, you know?

02:22:07.400 So I want to be in one.

02:22:08.180 So that's why you're successful, son.

02:22:09.720 Oh, I feel like I've married my work.

02:22:10.900 Yeah, you're like, fuck love.

02:22:11.500 You're like, I'm married to my job.

02:22:12.660 Yeah.

02:22:12.860 That's what happens.

02:22:13.820 So now the job's in a great fucking place.

02:22:16.000 Now you're like, hmm, who will I share all this with?

02:22:20.260 Yeah, now I've got to find a wife.

02:22:21.300 I've got to get a little bit of help first.

02:22:23.200 Now I've got to find a wife.

02:22:24.120 I've got to decompress.

02:22:25.020 I've got to find a wife.

02:22:26.080 You don't need to find a wife.

02:22:27.180 You just need to find somebody.

02:22:28.360 Yeah.

02:22:28.840 You've got to marry him and shit like that.

02:22:30.480 I mean, you've got a lot to protect right now, so don't fucking...

02:22:32.540 Find a partner in crime.

02:22:33.620 Yeah, just find somebody that when you're done doing it, when you're done being Theo,

02:22:37.780 you know, you can just go be Theo.

02:22:40.480 Yeah, and just have some kids that are your own to play with and stuff.

02:22:43.940 Oh, God.

02:22:44.240 Be careful, though.

02:22:44.840 When you have kids and you want to hang out with them and you do shit with them, public

02:22:47.420 gets shitty.

02:22:48.240 I put up that thing about beardless, dickless me on my Instagram, and there was somebody

02:22:53.180 who was like, ew, stop forcing your kid down my throat.

02:22:55.800 And it's like, you don't have to fucking listen.

02:22:57.660 It's a free podcast.

02:22:58.420 It's not mandatory.

02:22:59.240 Yeah.

02:22:59.420 I'm not saying there's like taxes where it's like, you've got to do this.

02:23:01.700 It's like, if you don't want to fuck with it, don't fuck with it.

02:23:03.320 But it's always amazing to me when people get hostile and shit like that.

02:23:07.320 There's one guy who's like, this is the weirdest reaction.

02:23:10.500 He goes, I saw a video where you're crying on YouTube and shit.

02:23:14.240 You went crazy.

02:23:15.340 And you said you were going to stop posting.

02:23:17.200 And now it's, give me a dollar here.

02:23:19.300 Give me a dollar here.

02:23:20.080 And you're doing this podcast.

02:23:21.620 So I went through everything he said.

02:23:22.960 I was like, is any of this true?

02:23:24.160 And I did do a YouTube video, but I wasn't crying in it.

02:23:26.640 And I did say I was going to not fuck with my socials as much, which I didn't for the

02:23:30.100 better part of a year after I got out of the fucking nut house and shit.

02:23:32.460 But I stayed away from that shit so I could try to figure out how I felt about myself.

02:23:35.900 Never mind how this random fucker feels about me and shit.

02:23:38.380 And then he was saying that, like, I asked for a dollar here and there.

02:23:40.840 It's not true.

02:23:41.340 I was advertising a free fucking podcast.

02:23:43.420 And I was about to respond.

02:23:44.940 And then I was like, you know, you've been around so fucking long.

02:23:49.600 You know the game.

02:23:50.820 Why are you even fucking wasting a second, man?

02:23:53.380 So I just deleted that shit.

02:23:55.040 Moved on with my day.

02:23:56.120 It's like they taught me in the nuthouse, man.

02:23:59.240 Like there's two places that human beings love to exist.

02:24:06.340 And the two least healthy places for a human being to be.

02:24:10.100 The past and the future.

02:24:12.580 Condition of the human being is such that we spend so much of our time thinking about what

02:24:16.840 we've done and what went wrong and what could have and should have happened and our regret.

02:24:21.380 And we relitigate the past like we're expert fucking lawyers and barristers and shit like

02:24:26.720 that.

02:24:27.060 And so we're not here in the moment.

02:24:28.920 We're in the past going like, oh, remember I said that shit.

02:24:31.260 And why didn't that person say hi that time?

02:24:32.800 And fucking, man, how come that dude's doing it?

02:24:34.640 I'm not.

02:24:35.120 Why are they ahead of me and shit like that?

02:24:36.480 That's all fucking stuff you can't do anything about.

02:24:39.500 Past happened.

02:24:40.040 You can't rewrite that.

02:24:40.820 You can't change it.

02:24:41.600 Maybe if you Tony Stark, you can go back and change it and then end game happens, but

02:24:45.880 you cannot fucking change the past.

02:24:47.700 So stay out of the fucking past because the past is depression.

02:24:50.920 Future is anxiety because nobody controls that shit.

02:24:54.120 Nobody knows what's going to happen.

02:24:55.380 And you can't sit there.

02:24:56.820 We're, you know, a lot of people you meet and be like, you should write a story.

02:24:59.340 Like I ain't creative like you bullshit.

02:25:01.160 Everybody in this audience is way more creative than me.

02:25:03.900 It's fine a writer than me, if not better when it comes to imagining a dire future for

02:25:08.320 themselves.

02:25:08.720 We are all the most creative and inventive fucking individuals when we're thinking about

02:25:12.580 all the shit that could go wrong.

02:25:13.800 We build scenarios, crazy scenarios about this happens and this and this and this, and we

02:25:20.120 live in them.

02:25:20.740 They're so fucking real.

02:25:21.880 The body remembers.

02:25:22.760 There's a book called The Body Remembers, which is about trauma and how the body stores

02:25:26.060 trauma, scientifically proven.

02:25:28.580 Body remembers trauma.

02:25:30.260 So then later on in life, when you think about the trauma, guess what?

02:25:33.080 The body remembers it and it revisits it through the amygdala and shit like that.

02:25:36.800 So when you've got PTSD, that's why people get shakes or fucking have to be away from

02:25:40.880 people and stuff.

02:25:41.640 That's real.

02:25:43.180 Physically, the body remembers fucking trauma and stuff like that.

02:25:46.440 So the best way past all that shit, I don't know.

02:25:51.140 I'm still trying to figure that out.

02:25:52.380 But stay out of the past, god damn it, and stay out of the future because you can't do

02:25:56.900 anything about it.

02:25:57.840 All that fucking like, think about this.

02:25:59.900 All that like, oh my God, this is going to happen and this happens and everything fucking

02:26:03.420 goes wrong and I lose again and shit.

02:26:04.960 Oh yeah, it's a nightmare.

02:26:06.180 It's not true though.

02:26:07.240 It's all fiction that you're just making up.

02:26:08.640 You're going to make some future shit up because that's what it is.

02:26:11.080 You don't know what's going to happen.

02:26:12.500 Flip the script and just fucking make up all happy.

02:26:14.520 Fucking goofy ass, unbelievable shit.

02:26:15.780 Yeah, at least make up some good shit for yourself.

02:26:17.840 Dude, it has as much likelihood as fucking happening.

02:26:21.180 That's the truth.

02:26:22.400 It ain't even fucking fantasy.

02:26:23.580 It's like you already, not you, but the collective you, you're already living in fantasy if you're

02:26:28.180 like, no, only bad shit happens.

02:26:29.460 You're already fucking weaving a fantastic fucking tale that is untrue and it's based

02:26:33.700 on no facts whatsoever.

02:26:35.020 So if you can do that, just fucking change it to like, you know what?

02:26:38.520 Marvel calls me all of a sudden and I'm directing the next fucking Avengers movie.

02:26:41.680 Yeah.

02:26:42.160 It has just as much a chance of happening as the negative bullshit.

02:26:45.840 So if we can't live in the past or shouldn't live in the past and it's unhealthy and we

02:26:49.600 shouldn't live in the future, if past is depression, the future of anxiety, there's only

02:26:53.400 one place to be.

02:26:54.200 We have no choice.

02:26:55.200 Be here in the present.

02:26:55.880 But so often we're not in the fucking present, man.

02:26:58.560 Nobody wants to be in this moment.

02:27:00.040 They want to be there.

02:27:01.420 Everyone's headed to a place and then everyone's obsessing about where we've been.

02:27:05.200 Kids, this is what they taught me in the nut house.

02:27:07.780 I'm going to save you a lot of fucking money and time and shit like that.

02:27:11.000 Be here and now.

02:27:12.060 Be mindful.

02:27:13.000 Breathe.

02:27:13.440 The easiest way to do that, if your head's going crazy and you're in the fucking future

02:27:17.120 and shit and you're worrying about some bad bullshit, or if you're in the past worrying

02:27:20.060 about some old fucking shit that happened, what you need to do is just this.

02:27:23.120 It's crazy shit, free as fuck.

02:27:24.680 Breathe.

02:27:24.820 You go.

02:27:30.000 Just breathe in and out five times, deep breaths.

02:27:32.320 And you know what it does?

02:27:33.040 It grounds you.

02:27:33.720 Do you know why?

02:27:34.460 Because you cannot breathe in the past and you cannot breathe in the future.

02:27:38.720 You can only breathe in the here and now.

02:27:40.100 So by breathing, you bring yourself back to the moment.

02:27:42.800 You pull yourself out of that fake future that you're fretting about.

02:27:45.860 You pull yourself out of that horrendous past that you're still traumatized by.

02:27:49.080 And you're here now and you can sit there and go like, well, wait, is anything wrong?

02:27:54.200 No.

02:27:55.100 My body's reacting to some shit I was thinking about because the body stores trauma.

02:27:59.180 And I just did this to myself.

02:28:00.700 I created this condition.

02:28:02.000 You can pull yourself out of that.

02:28:03.400 I'm not saying this is a cure for everything.

02:28:04.900 Some people go through real shit.

02:28:06.460 But when you're in your head, that ain't real shit.

02:28:10.340 And you may have gone through real shit in your life.

02:28:12.160 But when you're in your head fretting about it, you are making up a fucking fiction.

02:28:16.380 You don't recognize that.

02:28:17.380 Yeah, because sometimes you don't even recognize it.

02:28:19.600 And you work yourself up.

02:28:20.780 The body fucking, dude, you can, I had a fucking heart attack.

02:28:24.200 And yes, I had a heart attack because I had a fucking pack, you know, LAD full of cholesterol

02:28:27.820 and shit like that.

02:28:29.000 People could put themselves in.

02:28:30.520 They say stress is the number one killer.

02:28:32.280 It'll get you to that heart attack.

02:28:33.140 Stress will kill me.

02:28:33.700 And stress is created by sitting around going like, oh, fucking, what if it don't work

02:28:36.580 out, man?

02:28:37.080 I didn't love it to work out because it never worked out in the past.

02:28:38.880 Remember that fucking time you tried that thing and it didn't work?

02:28:41.420 You're a fucking asshole.

02:28:42.420 You got to put that shit away.

02:28:43.960 Flip the script and be like, I'm in the here and now.

02:28:46.020 And if you can't do that and you got to be in the future, just make up a better future.

02:28:49.520 It has just as much a likelihood it's coming true as the fake bullshit that you're fretting

02:28:53.980 about and it's ruining your life.

02:28:55.380 At least be an author for your, the best for yourself.

02:28:58.560 You're going to make it up.

02:28:59.520 Make up good shit.

02:29:00.640 Kevin Smith, 430 movie comes out September 13th.

02:29:04.160 And my podcast with my kid.

02:29:06.100 And the Smodcast Network.

02:29:07.320 Beardless.

02:29:07.600 No, it's iHeart.

02:29:08.240 Beardless, dickless.

02:29:09.320 iHeart Network.

02:29:10.440 Beardless, dickless me.

02:29:11.460 I took all my shit behind a paywall years ago, all my podcasts and shit.

02:29:14.480 So this is the first one I'm going out in the world and seeing like, what would it

02:29:17.180 be like if I had infrastructure?

02:29:18.520 And the folks at iHeart were like, do it here.

02:29:20.260 So I was like, all right.

02:29:21.100 So beardless, dickless me.

02:29:23.340 It's funny.

02:29:24.020 I just sit around and try to make her fucking laugh.

02:29:26.140 I know some people are like, ew, fuck you and your happy kid.

02:29:28.420 No, I think it's, that's sweet.

02:29:30.300 It is.

02:29:30.840 It is.

02:29:31.640 Thank you, man.

02:29:32.300 Thanks for all the entertainment.

02:29:33.340 Thanks for all the being, you're trying your best to be yourself through your medium.

02:29:37.820 And yeah, so many people have enjoyed so much your work over the years.

02:29:41.700 You're like, I'm not one of them, but I appreciate the fact that it exists.

02:29:45.580 We've all enjoyed your work over the years.

02:29:47.020 Dude, you're going to be in that Next Jane, Silent Bob movie.

02:29:50.120 Like serious.

02:29:50.860 Oh, it's selling the weed.

02:29:52.300 I didn't say that.

02:29:53.220 Don't start writing the part.

02:29:54.040 Okay, sorry.

02:29:54.820 I'll take care of that.

02:29:55.760 No, but you got to play Jay's brother.

02:29:57.140 I'm telling you, Jay's vibe is so similar.

02:29:59.560 I guarantee you in the comments, kids in his comments should be like, oh my God, fucking

02:30:03.140 you and Jay.

02:30:04.000 Like sometimes you ever watch a movie or TV show and they do like a familial pairing, like

02:30:07.800 a mother and daughter.

02:30:08.480 You're like, that shit is fucking 100% on.

02:30:11.300 I put you next to Jay in a movie and you both talk, 100%.

02:30:14.460 Wow.

02:30:14.880 You're Jay's long lost brother who just was raised in the South and shit.

02:30:17.960 Yeah.

02:30:18.380 Or your twang is from South Jersey.

02:30:21.040 Yeah.

02:30:21.860 I did that joke in a movie.

02:30:22.820 I'll do it again.

02:30:23.340 A lot of times people in Louisiana get, people accuse him from being from New Jersey.

02:30:27.720 Thank you so much, Kevin.

02:30:29.340 Thank you for having me.

02:30:30.360 Thank you for letting me talk as much as I did.

02:30:31.960 Apologies to anybody who tuned in to listen to Theo talk because I feel like I did most of the

02:30:35.360 talking.

02:30:35.880 Dude, you know what's so funny?

02:30:36.760 It's a blessing.

02:30:37.160 I was kind of tired today and I'm grateful that you spoke.

02:30:39.120 Are you serious?

02:30:39.740 Yeah.

02:30:40.280 Fuck it.

02:30:41.680 Honestly, that's 100% meaningful to me.

02:30:43.400 Number one, that's fucking crazy real.

02:30:45.500 And number two, I know what that means as a person who's done this a bunch of shit.

02:30:48.880 It's just like, he's coming in.

02:30:51.080 All right.

02:30:51.460 Like I like him and he made clerks.

02:30:52.900 All right.

02:30:53.260 But I ain't feeling up to it today.

02:30:54.740 So the fact that I was on Motor Mouth and you were like, this works for me.

02:30:58.580 A hundred percent.

02:30:59.420 Anytime you don't feel like working, you want me to, I'll just sit here and talk the whole

02:31:02.660 time and you can fucking sit there and be present in the moment and breathe.

02:31:07.380 And sorry, the AC wasn't working.

02:31:08.780 The coldest thing in here.

02:31:09.800 It wasn't?

02:31:10.120 It wasn't.

02:31:10.780 The coldest thing in here is that Celsius cooler.

02:31:12.900 Are you kidding me?

02:31:13.600 We had it open earlier.

02:31:14.540 That's the coldest and the coolest thing fucking in here.

02:31:16.760 Actually, you're the coolest thing in here.

02:31:18.380 Fucking Celsius cooler.

02:31:19.620 Second coolest thing.

02:31:20.320 Well, you're cool too, man.

02:31:22.180 Thanks.

02:31:22.560 I did that.

02:31:23.120 I said it just so you would say that back.

02:31:24.540 I'm Kevin Smith.

02:31:25.380 I'm all that shit putting on my Instagram.

02:31:27.060 Theo Vaughn said I was cool.

02:31:28.760 Thanks, brother.

02:31:29.420 Thanks, brother.

02:31:29.720 Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

02:31:35.100 I must be cornerstone.

02:31:40.420 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.

02:31:45.260 I found I can feel it in my bones.

02:31:50.320 But it's gonna tell you.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 17, 2024

E531 Kevin Smith

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