This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Family Matters ｜ This Past Weekend #209

00:00:00.000 hello hey ma hi son i'm just taking a walk oh yes it's a little under 100 now but later this

00:00:14.860 week's gonna be 107 so i figure i better get my walks in you might melt mom i'm not gonna do it

00:00:21.920 when it's 107 i mean really you're only you'd either have to do it after it were dark oh yeah

00:00:30.900 that's dangerous too because they have a lot of snakes out there or really early in the morning

00:00:36.520 like 5 30 i don't know usually well that's snakes i have to eat something right away so and that's

00:00:46.400 snakes too mom yeah yeah well no the um what is that insect that i found in the house they sprayed

00:00:55.560 for it once for me something uh it's not a tarantula but jesus something that i have in the desert it

00:01:01.880 can to a lot of people it's poisonous so i found them like a total of i think four of them in the

00:01:08.460 house well you're gonna end up on one of those special shows where people get it's like for

00:01:13.520 kind of for seniors that get attacked by snakes you know yeah i guess or something something

00:01:20.480 will get you right yeah well look at least if you go into the belly of a warm snake at least you got

00:01:25.560 a nice place to be you know yeah you have to be pretty much of a monster but they do exist i know

00:01:32.540 you've seen some big ones sometimes on your walk haven't you yeah remember back in the day yeah

00:01:37.340 trying to think i think you it was during the time that you stayed there for a short time when we

00:01:42.380 lived on fairway grows oh yeah i saw a gargantuan snake that was the only time i've ever seen one

00:01:48.220 that big so what do you think that's gonna not kill rosanne but it won't help her huh well i just

00:01:55.180 i don't know what did you think whenever you heard about it i just thought well i wanted your opinion

00:02:02.600 and and then when i got your opinion i thought well maybe that will hem her in as uh just being a 0.94

00:02:11.920 comedian of controversy because that guy's controversial i guess yeah and uh you know when

00:02:18.380 really i mean witness her old show she's a good all-around comedian yeah yeah i agree i think it kind

00:02:26.840 of like it kind of i don't know part of me i would love to have gone on a tour with her

00:02:31.980 you what i said i would have loved to go on a tour with her honestly if i'm really honest with myself

00:02:37.360 yeah no i know it's one of those probably timing things yeah what i read didn't say when they

00:02:44.780 you know when he initially pitched it i assume he pitched it to her but i don't even know that yeah

00:02:51.520 well i think you know i think um you know i think she probably thinks that people don't like her

00:02:57.620 more than is the reality i think uh i think a lot of people still really do like her but also i think

00:03:03.900 her and dice have a real comfortable connection they've been friends for a long time um she like

00:03:10.940 came she like jumped up on stage at one of his shows a couple of months ago and had like a comfortable 0.96

00:03:18.260 response and they used to do shows together in vegas um you know so i think some of it might

00:03:25.220 just be a comfort thing too like if i'm going to go tour with somebody who would it be um yeah but i

00:03:31.180 think it's a good move for him he like a tat you know i think that i i feel like a lot more people

00:03:36.880 would come out to see her these days but right who might not come out to see him i know what he looks

00:03:42.600 like but i'm not i know what i read said he'd been banned from something i don't know what it was

00:03:47.800 television oh yeah but i don't really know anything about it said he still does stand up on his own

00:03:54.280 yeah well i see him at the comedy store sometimes so oh really yeah is he any good yeah i mean i

00:04:00.940 think he's a you know desired taste i mean he's still you know he's a comedian he's not really he's

00:04:05.280 never been really like nice to me whenever i've seen him so i may have a i may have sometimes an

00:04:10.860 unfair impression of like what i how i look at his comedy exactly but to me some of it's it's not

00:04:17.640 really my favorite like if somebody asked me who's one of your favorites i wouldn't you know

00:04:21.420 i would not even i wouldn't even think of him right so i guess they hooked up because of what you say

00:04:28.240 long-term friendship and also because they can both be controversial well he is all the time i guess

00:04:35.520 yeah now it could be a huge tour though a lot of people were like you know what i'm gonna go out

00:04:39.060 and see yeah see just see him you know just see him say whatever you know people yeah the last

00:04:44.120 like hurrah for people saying whatever they want to say you know i guess she's not finished it unless

00:04:50.960 no i don't think she is either that's i think she thinks she is more than she is

00:04:54.640 well maybe when it's all done you'll still get a chance but they're doing something more benign

00:05:00.080 even if you do the little the little family in the van you know yeah i talked to her manager a

00:05:06.700 couple times i'm still trying to figure it out so but uh but yeah they didn't take a while yeah

00:05:12.280 that's a good point so all right ma are you doing a podcast yeah i'm actually but it's just about to

00:05:18.260 tape right now so yeah well thank you for calling yeah thanks for answering ma and i hope your walk

00:05:23.480 goes well i'm getting on love you all right love you too bye okay bye well do you know what i was 0.98

00:05:34.460 thinking was uh that tits are hard like a hard like a chest is just like a man's chest is kind of like 1.00

00:05:45.080 hard tits really when you think about that like petrified almost tits like if you had 1.00

00:05:53.420 like if somebody buried a couple of you know beautiful just milky front knuckles out in the yard 1.00

00:06:02.100 and they got and they got real hard over time and you dug them back up they'd be almost like a man's

00:06:09.660 chest so i don't even know what that means man

00:06:16.260 she was hotter than the blacktop broke down out of truck 1.00

00:06:24.940 she was hotter than the blacktop broke down out of truck 1.00

00:06:30.940 she looked about as wild as the story she told

00:06:51.620 said she was a christian saving souls in savannah and the lover sent her to alamanda

00:06:59.500 had a pistol little boots

00:07:13.020 black hair dark roots

00:07:16.280 says she got a hold man but i shouldn't be worried though it seemed like she was in a hurry 0.95

00:07:23.540 higher than a junkie drying out in the slammer lord i hope i don't die in alabama

00:07:31.500 lord i hope i don't die in alabama that heat that's what's

00:07:47.140 look this is the time of year it is summertime they call it for here now somewhere else somebody's 0.95

00:07:56.460 dealing with winter somebody in maybe moscow or somewhere somebody's throwing a damn uh 0.78

00:08:04.460 not a crystal ball but a snowball at somebody imagine that

00:08:11.080 yeah if you imagined it then you just did and if you didn't then you just didn't

00:08:17.440 it's up to you but yeah this is summer and summer's here boy 0.99

00:08:24.900 and summer is man he's a dirty boy isn't he i mean he is a dirty boy 0.98

00:08:35.560 he's hot and he just is just relentless he is relentless 0.98

00:08:43.240 and that is summer that's like somebody if you give a uh

00:08:47.840 you know sometime you catch a boy in the neighborhood or something got a little bit of um

00:08:52.400 autism you know the tism they say it and if you give him a little hammer

00:08:57.440 you know they had a boy in our area this boy named wild jacob

00:09:02.560 and he was always eating you know he'd run around and pick berries and everything in the summer

00:09:08.300 and you know when the berry bushes really started to flourish you'd catch him out there

00:09:14.440 with the blue you know the black dye on his hands picking berries

00:09:18.900 and uh and eating them that's the problem his mom gave him this little hat and he's supposed to put

00:09:25.040 the berries in there but he would just eat them immediately and he'd get home and he

00:09:30.040 dude have you know 120 berries in his stomach

00:09:33.480 but uh at one time his uncle i remember passed through town or something gave him a little hammer 0.90

00:09:39.880 and i mean i swear to god we thought we had a damn woodpecker in the neighborhood for probably four years

00:09:48.040 but um but wild jacob would just get off in the woods and he'd find him a little tree or something 0.72

00:09:55.560 or a little you know area of hardness maybe a fence board or a um piece of stone

00:10:03.640 or granite and he would just hit it with that hammer

00:10:07.560 wild jacob be out there with just berry stains all over his face just

00:10:12.360 just

00:10:13.880 just for hours and hours 0.95

00:10:23.240 just fucking probably sending morse code to who knows i mean i'm sure over in 0.94

00:10:28.400 you know in chernobyl or somewhere rusher you know who knows outer space they're thinking it's 0.97

00:10:34.880 some wild unique morse code is coming in you know they said there's some you know stenographer at

00:10:41.760 nasa just writing it all down but meanwhile that's just freaking

00:10:47.280 barry jacob old black barry jacob with his little hammer just

00:10:52.000 beating something we thought we had you know exotic birds

00:10:54.960 things but that's how relentless summer is man

00:10:58.960 it's like giving a hammer to uh

00:11:02.880 like giving a hammer to a young fellow

00:11:06.680 with autism and he's out there just 0.99

00:11:10.060 just chiseling away i mean jacob would fucking he chisel a damn uh 0.99

00:11:15.600 mount rushmore into the side of a school building or something i mean he just pissed everybody off 0.98

00:11:20.440 you know you'd come out of um

00:11:24.200 you know this was you'd come out of the out of school or out of your house and he would have 0.98

00:11:29.240 chiseled a damn deon sanders into the side of a 1.00

00:11:32.520 a uh a honda like well what the fuck man 1.00

00:11:37.960 i mean he just had a real unique style to him 0.99

00:11:42.280 but that's the thing you know and that's how relentless he just i mean he was banks he didn't have nothing on this fella 0.97

00:11:47.240 banks he ain't shit banks he's just some sneaky dude in the middle of the night with a marker 0.97

00:11:55.800 but i'm just saying wild jacob was out there all day with a freaking one of them little baby hammers son 0.98

00:12:01.640 just rearranging the world

00:12:07.720 but that's how summer is man it is relentless beating it is 0.99

00:12:11.640 and it's that time you almost want to buy your mother a damn ice hat 0.96

00:12:21.800 you know it's almost like you want to drown somebody but don't fully drown them just hold 0.98

00:12:25.480 them under cold water for a you know about 40 seconds just to let them catch a little bit of relief

00:12:34.120 from the heat it's summertime in the year 2019 and it is june 24 and uh thank you for joining us

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00:13:43.960 on my scrotum and and my scrotums they uh they don't want scissors by them and it's funny if you 0.87

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00:14:24.520 past you know your grandfather used to chip his nuts all the time he was probably out there like dang what's 0.83

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00:16:58.520 oh yeah it's summertime thank you guys for uh good to see you good to hear you um

00:17:07.480 what's up man just kind of relaxing this weekend i went to a

00:17:11.960 chiropractor and i don't know if you've ever been to a chiropractor but

00:17:16.360 this shady it's the shadiest thing it's basically like going to the mafia for your body

00:17:22.920 it's like taking your body to like a mafia person because they got you in a headlock

00:17:28.360 they pinning you to the ground they're asking you questions about you you know it's

00:17:34.760 jesus by the end i'm like i you know i'm just telling them where the treasure's buried even if

00:17:39.480 i didn't do shit i'm just making stuff up you know uh it's in us it's in a safety deposit box 0.68

00:17:47.560 it's in a locker at the greyhound station

00:17:51.640 because they put that dude this lady and she might have been into some wild stuff she might 1.00

00:17:57.240 have been into some real dark arts i think because i had you know all i felt like she had a little bit

00:18:03.160 of you ever hug somebody and they kind of they feel like they might have been doing cocaine a little bit

00:18:13.160 like that so you know but whatever you know we didn't blood test each other i was just there

00:18:20.200 so i don't really know anything but but um but yeah i went in there and and next thing you know 0.97

00:18:29.320 she's got me on the table she's got me in a figure four figure five she had me in all kinds of shit 1.00

00:18:36.600 she had my she know she had she tied both my arms into a knot under inside of her mouth with her tongue 1.00

00:18:43.320 i'm like what is this is i mean she was doing unique stuff and this was all non-sexual this this

00:18:50.280 this whole deal cost me probably about a 100 100 maybe 20 dollars 160 or 20 dollars i don't know

00:18:57.240 but dude they get in there they get they put the bone right in your zone this lady had me 1.00

00:19:05.240 she had my orifice is just just nervous boy i mean my whole body felt like a dang b-hole i'll be honest

00:19:13.960 with you my whole body felt like a b-hole and i say b-hole you know some people don't want to hear that 0.92

00:19:21.960 they you know they some people say butthole and i don't say that because i'm not that i don't say

00:19:27.880 that kind of stuff if i can help it but yeah this lady had that you know she got my whole body was 1.00

00:19:33.800 feeling nervous like a b-hole boy because people don't want to talk about that back door deal that b-hole a 1.00

00:19:44.840 a lot and that thing i mean it'll barely kind of accept a marble that thing is uh

00:19:54.280 cautious i think is a good word to describe it it's like

00:20:01.800 you know you know it's like got a really small small welcome mat if it has one at all

00:20:07.800 and that b-hole it's really it's a temperamental deal 0.91

00:20:15.080 but yeah this lady had my whole body feeling like that like my whole body was just covered up with just 1.00

00:20:21.880 you know uh that anus you know that anus that b-hole so it was an it was a unique experience 0.98

00:20:31.160 but you go in there she's got you in this she's got you in that she's got you 1.00

00:20:35.720 she had my arms behind my back she was fucking asking me questions you know she threatened i was 1.00

00:20:41.480 like what i knew what was going on she threatened me she told me i got a c when i was in you know 0.99

00:20:46.680 that i cheated in high school she was saying a lot of things that were i thought egregious that had

00:20:52.520 nothing to do with skeletal or muscular then they put you on this table and they put this long cable to

00:20:59.400 your neck and she goes over by the door and yanks that thing i mean it just just 1.00

00:21:06.840 and suddenly i fucking dude i i didn't know what was going on i mean i just felt kind of just tightened 0.97

00:21:14.440 up you know i felt like my pants just were you know we're gonna fit better i felt just like my 0.99

00:21:21.160 dick and my just you know i just felt like my i just felt like my just like my dick had just won 0.98

00:21:29.240 a medal or something just straightened everything up in my body immediately you know i felt like i just 0.99

00:21:34.600 won third place in a damn spine contest you know at the at the spine center over there off the interstate

00:21:41.880 but anyway i'm kind of rambling um we had uh last week we had a question that you know we had a caller 0.91

00:21:50.920 that called in we're talking about relationships and things like that and just things that i find are

00:21:56.120 in a lot of people's worlds right now uh and in my world for sure you know i think a lot about

00:22:02.600 relationships and you know if i want it if i can handle it you know i just really have a tough time

00:22:11.240 and commitment man i just have a really there's just something inside of me that is very scared of

00:22:19.240 it even just you know if i think about like getting like a wedding or something that's it scares me

00:22:26.360 if i think about

00:22:30.440 you know uh but also what scares me also is being alone and not having someone that scares me really

00:22:38.680 in a different way that scares me more cerebrally like it you know i can think about well i might

00:22:45.080 not have children or grandchildren and you got to have grandchildren but those dudes they seem like 0.96

00:22:52.360 fucking great you know really good little buckaroos children they who knows what will happen 0.98

00:22:59.000 these mffers but grandchildren bro they fucking doing everything you could give them as many 1.00

00:23:05.800 smoothies as you want you know give them a couple lollipops hit them with that suppository bro if they 1.00

00:23:12.280 sick grandchildren you could do anything with the grandchildren put them outside put them on a swing

00:23:18.680 give them another smoothie oh they're tired they're crying get that smoothie little bryce or whatever

00:23:25.080 your name is little diadra what you want another couple of necco wafers you know grandpa got to

00:23:34.360 i might be that undercover grandpa just kind of roll up on children in the mall non-sexual you know just 0.52

00:23:39.720 roll up on children at the mall or at the and hit them with a couple of uh you know a cut of a kit kat 0.99

00:23:46.600 break them off one you know one of those you know 25 of a kit kat boy or hit them with a damn you know 0.98

00:23:54.840 a half a handful of payday split a payday candy bar with them and my mother used to love eating paydays 0.96

00:24:01.240 boy she used to crack open a couple cans of beer and she put that lawn chair out and the windows open 1.00

00:24:07.080 and she would lay out in indoors she would lay out on the thing indoors uh but and you know and she would

00:24:15.080 have that payday candy and that's more when payday candy bars used to be an adult they used to be

00:24:19.320 an adult candy but but yeah i was talking about last week about uh just parenting and co-parenting and

00:24:26.760 what do people think about that kind of stuff and we had a caller that called in uh this was an excerpt

00:24:32.280 from his call right here i'm 31 and i'm kind of trying to figure out you know do i want a child or not

00:24:40.600 you know i think my big problem is i i don't i have a phobia of having a child with the wrong lady

00:24:48.200 you know because whether you like to believe it or not you're attached to that person for at least 18

00:24:53.720 years you know the girl so i kind of want to make sure it's right you know before i have before i bring

00:25:00.040 a child into this world and uh and you guys hit some responses as always the hotline 985-664-9503 you guys

00:25:08.200 had some nice responses that uh here's uh one that came in right here hey ceo this is sarah from

00:25:14.360 chicago hey sarah and i'm actually wearing the chicago cubs fly that dub baby and i love chicago man

00:25:23.880 it's just really it's a city that really i feel like has still has a good bit of a orders you know

00:25:30.200 it's got a lot of business but it's got a lot of heart and you got people coming up there that are

00:25:35.160 you know they're looking to do business but they're also just looking to enjoy you know

00:25:40.840 seeing other people and meeting other people and it's a good place to still get a business card from

00:25:46.040 somebody and put it in your pocket and actually use it let's hear more i'm that lady who gave her 1.00

00:25:55.160 husband handjob in the back of her dad's car for the first time oh yeah sarah sarah with that magical

00:26:06.120 touch you got that you put that david copper feel on your husband huh and next thing you know you're 1.00

00:26:12.760 making his uh you're making his uh blue balls disappear you have that magical touch touching your 0.88

00:26:19.720 man while your dad's driving that's literally that's a ballsy move let's hear more um so i just 0.58

00:26:27.400 heard your comment about co-parenting and i know some people who are co-parenting now or are kind of

00:26:35.480 just taking the parenting life as if it's just oh it's easy if it works out it works out if it doesn't

00:26:40.440 it doesn't you know and that's not how the child sees it i've seen i work with kids actually i'm a

00:26:46.440 speech therapist and i work with children and i deal with those kids every day where co-parenting

00:26:52.200 just isn't working out and it really isn't working out for the child make sure you have a strong

00:26:59.800 foundation in that relationship otherwise it's just it can be detrimental for you yes but

00:27:06.120 incredibly detrimental for that child especially because when we're babies and born into this world

00:27:11.400 the only thing we know is our parents that's that's where we find out what love is and if we

00:27:16.760 don't see it from the co-parenting then do we really know what kind of love we deserve or what kind of

00:27:23.720 love we should get onward you gang gang gang gang gang sir i appreciate that you know that's a good

00:27:30.280 that's a really interesting thought yeah because if you're just co-parents and you the the children now

00:27:36.280 you could still show the child some love the children will feel love from a male parent and a

00:27:41.400 female parent or but i mean or it could be you know same-sex parents but i think that i i mean

00:27:50.360 i feel like you you're going to get more of a full batch if you have that male female i mean that's 1.00

00:27:57.800 you know it's been the current it's been the recipe it's been mother nature's recipe to have the male

00:28:04.360 female um but yeah it's like you'll get the the kid will still get the love from a parent a male

00:28:15.080 parent and a female parent but they won't get they won't maybe see the example of love so they might

00:28:21.160 not see the parents love each other they may not see there's like an element that they could really miss

00:28:26.760 so yeah i don't really thought about that exactly um that if yeah if you live on one street and your

00:28:35.480 kid lives yeah the if you live on one street with your kid and the dad lives across the street

00:28:41.160 or down the way and you guys are just kind of you know back and forth it may feel kind of just

00:28:48.280 this you know that it might not be continuous parenting it may kind of start and stop here and

00:28:53.320 there and then also kids might start to learn well love is just love is just you know you get love

00:29:02.040 from one person from a mom or from a dad and it's not a also something you see so if they don't see

00:29:10.440 the love between the parents so then you the kid might the kid could feel like that like that that love

00:29:18.440 isn't a isn't something that's even in the world you know because i've never seen an example of it

00:29:23.320 it's just i get love from my mom here i get love from my dad here but i don't see an example of

00:29:28.200 love between uh two people um that are you know like in a marriage or two people

00:29:38.440 like a man and a woman that love each other so then the kid might grow up and not really feel an

00:29:42.040 attraction to anybody they might be fully asexual them asexers so that's interesting you know i

00:29:51.160 appreciate you sharing that uh thanks for calling in sarah and look once again thanks for you know

00:29:57.320 sharing that story two episodes ago about dropping that hj on your husband back in the day while your

00:30:02.840 dad was driving y'all around man there's i mean that that episode really i think took us all to a

00:30:08.680 beautiful place in time that that you can only exist in as a child you know and as a first time

00:30:15.400 when you get that first touch let's let's take another call that came in here um here we go hey

00:30:20.840 theo this is vivian from los angeles hey vivian from la thank you for calling in uh onward i was listening

00:30:29.160 to last week's episode and i thought i'd share a story my mom and dad were really young when they had

00:30:34.600 me my mom was 19 and my oh yeah that's beautiful my dad was a couple years older oh yeah so he trying

00:30:42.600 to be wild like that with the young ladies i've done it i feel it onward um they never got married

00:30:48.600 for some time i was really young and uh they lived apart from each other and you know talked me back and

00:30:56.040 forth between them but once i actually got into elementary school they decided to move in together and become

00:31:04.120 roommates in chicago uh nothing romantic or anything like that they just wanted uh you know to co-parent

00:31:12.120 together in the same household and honestly it was my favorite time of my childhood so yeah if any single

00:31:20.600 parents are considering um co-parenting in the same household i could say from my experience it was

00:31:28.680 really really really good for me and actually i just kind of miss it but yeah gang gang thank you for

00:31:36.040 calling in uh let me look up really quick um the definition of co-parenting just so i'm operating

00:31:42.440 on a clean co-parenting um share the duties of parenting especially of a separated or unmarried couple

00:31:52.680 so basically it is uh people co-parenting sometimes called joint parenting or shared parenting is the

00:32:01.480 experience of raising children as a single parent when separation or divorce occurs however placing the

00:32:09.160 sole focus on your children can be a great way of helping to make co-parenting a positive experience

00:32:14.360 so it's where both where the parents are single but they're both raising the child um so that could

00:32:21.160 be in a couple of ways where you know you guys are you know just you guys are divorced uh it could be that

00:32:29.480 you guys are like this situation roommates so obviously it's there is something special that happens when

00:32:34.920 as a child then from your perception when uh when both your parents are in the same place

00:32:40.360 place and i and you know what i could really imagine that it's like because with parents you

00:32:46.280 can play off you can play one off of the other it's fun to see them interact you know they're like

00:32:52.200 this when you're a kid your parents are like this weird comedy duo sometimes it's just cruising around

00:32:58.040 the house just trying to take away your privileges so it's really interesting to have i guess to get to

00:33:06.760 see them at the same time interact with each other it could be kind of lonesome if you just go to your

00:33:11.720 dad's house and he's just being you know kind of sad or something or looking up escorts

00:33:17.320 and or just being like a nice guy or you go to your mom's house and she's just kind of being sad or 0.96

00:33:23.560 buying these crazy you know high-powered uh sexual toys you know these real you know these crotch uh 0.99

00:33:30.680 you know damn john deere is making things for women's crotches now and it is just good god 0.99

00:33:37.560 i mean they got some things that run on gas powered you gotta you know you gotta dang you know 0.99

00:33:43.880 you gotta float the choke a little bit before you can even get that thing to start up 0.99

00:33:48.840 and so that's really i don't know what kind of i don't know what's going on so yeah i think seeing

00:33:55.160 those parents get getting to see your parents kind of give each other a wet willy or tickle each other

00:34:00.600 or you know or try on scarves or different things like that there's going to be something special

00:34:06.680 there having that moment where you're paying you know maybe playing hide and go seek and both your

00:34:11.080 parents are there to play with you you know there is something about having them in the same house

00:34:16.280 so now maybe if your parents like you said your parents just happen to live together they weren't married

00:34:21.240 uh but they lived in the same house so maybe co-parenting is more effective if the parents

00:34:27.000 are living in the same home even if they're not married uh but they're there together at the same

00:34:33.880 time which i could imagine because from what i hear there's a lot of like something that happens

00:34:38.120 with like a nesting you know where you it feels like you're in a nest in a safe place where you can grow

00:34:44.360 you know your mom is there to nurture you your father is there to uh take care of uh and provide

00:34:51.240 and it feels uh probably very natural to us because a lot of species do it you know you see this show

00:34:59.480 they got a thing called uh what is it penguin i don't know polar express or something maybe it's

00:35:07.640 like about a bunch of penguins it's on the nature show they have a bunch of penguins and these mother dude

00:35:12.840 these guys they're penguins i don't know if you know penguins are they're basically 0.93

00:35:20.440 they're kind of they act like kind of like little bitches 1.00

00:35:23.000 i mean they don't you know they kind of short with people you know they always like just 0.99

00:35:31.560 you know they don't even really you know they just sitting over there giving you that uh

00:35:36.680 who's that guy um that slumber j arm what's your boy he was he could barely point at the oil uh

00:35:44.280 john mccain you know he got that low hitter you know he just got that i mean it's very he's very

00:35:50.200 you know he got that half mast baby you know and you know they that's how they raise their arm 1.00

00:35:58.120 or little penguins they don't do much the guys all kind of huddle around and then

00:36:03.080 the women they get pissed and they jump off of the mountain and go get a belly of fish and then they 1.00

00:36:09.400 come back one of them vomits into the child and then the other one goes out but i think as the child

00:36:16.840 to see your parents just doing that shift that you know that teamwork that tandem you realize

00:36:24.200 i bet you learn a lot about you know what it takes as a team as a tandem to make it work

00:36:29.800 you know my parents i remember my dad liked to sleep in his car at the park

00:36:35.000 and he would sometimes drink too much and he would just stay outside and just sleep in his car in

00:36:40.200 front of the house and he used to have a lot of cups of like different mardi gras doubloons from the

00:36:45.480 parade and uh and he would just throw them out of his car when he was driving like kind of like he was

00:36:51.240 his own little parade a little bit um i mean he was also 80 years old at this point or set you know 78 or

00:36:58.760 something but but yeah sometimes he would get a little bit of free champagne because

00:37:06.520 one of his friends worked at the champagne distillery and he would drive over old champagne

00:37:13.320 and my dad i know would sit out on the porch sometimes and you know chug down a half a bottle

00:37:18.040 of old champagne and i would be out there and he would let me smell his breath because i liked the way

00:37:23.480 that the uh that the champagne smelled but then i think it's just fun as a kid to have both of the

00:37:30.760 parents around it's something real i mean jesus i think just you know i mean there's enough kids

00:37:38.280 already that are raised by single parents it's just a little hectic it's not the same vibe but maybe

00:37:43.240 that's where we're headed and if we are headed there as a species because we're such in this me generation

00:37:48.360 and you know myself and and you know a lot of us are there not even by choice it's like

00:37:55.640 you know social media really puts us in our own world and our own perceptions and you know we have

00:38:01.240 our own facebook page we have our own ig we have our own snapchats we have our own whatever it is tick

00:38:09.080 tocks or whatever it's all our own personal things that it you know we start to look at our it just as

00:38:18.840 our lives as our world just as ourselves it's just uh it's just me it's just me um

00:38:26.680 so if that's where we're headed as people then then co-parenting might be the only

00:38:33.560 viable possibility because if your parents aren't going to live together they're not going to stay

00:38:40.200 married or they don't want to be married um then at least if they can live together in an environment

00:38:47.720 where they can raise a child so i don't know i'm thinking a lot about that kind of stuff just today 0.99

00:38:52.280 for some reason uh fuck man i'm fucking tired you ever sleep a lot and you're tired you're like dang dude 0.99

00:38:59.720 what was i doing in my dream was running a lot or something uh but thank you for calling in 0.99

00:39:06.280 you know maybe there'll be a turn where people start to you know really make good choices about

00:39:10.520 relationships and you see a lot more kids getting raised in the nest and uh and you see just you

00:39:19.560 know you'll see more of that vibe a little bit but yeah that hockey puck kind of style of child raising

00:39:24.680 i don't know you know i've never done it but i don't know what it's i don't know if it's super

00:39:29.640 healthy i don't know and then sometimes you don't know sometimes some kids is just made out of you

00:39:34.760 know fish and snails and puppy dog pails you know or whatever you know cinnamon and spice and nothing 0.99

00:39:41.800 nice or whatever you got a kid who's got fucking you know made out of 70 grams of damn nutmeg in his 1.00

00:39:47.000 neck and he's never going to get it together so some of that is just kind of god's plan 0.98

00:39:51.880 i'm going to tell you that today's episode if you're struggling with something is brought to you

00:39:59.480 by betterhelp.com it's professional and affordable counseling get matched with the counselor who's

00:40:06.520 right for you you might like a different i've had all kind of counselors hell my first counselor i had

00:40:11.960 ever in los angeles i saw her about nine years later homeless no joke um it was kind of this thicker

00:40:18.680 kind of i want to say maybe this kind of jewish lady but she had i think she had a mental illness 1.00

00:40:23.640 but she uh she was eating yogurt homeless and i was like damn dude i took advice from this lady for like 1.00

00:40:32.520 about nine about nine months you know so man it's hit or miss in the universe boy 0.88

00:40:41.480 but professional and affordable counseling betterhelp.com you can get matched up with the

00:40:47.960 counselor who's right for you four communication modes text chat phone and video start communicating

00:40:54.520 in under 24 hours you must be 18 or older this is available worldwide it's not intended for those

00:41:01.080 actively considering suicide so if you're thinking about taking your life don't bother them with

00:41:07.000 it that's your you know that's for your own consideration really and talk to a immediate

00:41:12.040 professional 9-1-1 or talk to somebody in your home or something do not take your life

00:41:19.080 um but this is a betterhelp.com it's available on desktop mobile web android and ios apps you can send

00:41:28.520 messages 24 7 365 to a therapist i was having a tough day and i pulled over on the side of the

00:41:34.440 road and hit up my better help therapist or arlana was her name arlana and next thing you know i had a

00:41:40.280 40 minute chat with her face to face on facetime so it's helpful if you need this schedule video and

00:41:46.040 phone phone sessions sign up at better help dot com slash theo t-h-e-o today that's betterhelp.com

00:41:54.840 slash theo uh financial aid is available you know i've been thinking about just trying to be more

00:42:02.680 certain about the things that i need in my life even if i'm wrong

00:42:07.960 some sometimes i stay in this middle ground where i'm just so uncertain and i never really

00:42:12.120 kind of make a lot of choices i just stay in this in this uncomfortable space and uh

00:42:19.240 i don't know what i've been thinking about i need to own what my choices are even if they're wrong

00:42:24.120 because part of me just wants to not make any choices so then i don't ever take any kind of real

00:42:28.680 risks sometimes um but then i spend all the time in my head just battling both sides you know both just

00:42:37.160 both choices both decisions it's like do i do this or do i do that

00:42:43.080 but instead of deciding i'll just keep asking myself that do i do this do i do that do i do this

00:42:48.360 for months should i do this should i do the options aren't even gone are gone it was like should i pick 0.99

00:42:54.200 this cabbage or this little grapefruit at the produce and that that shit is damn wilted and been 0.96

00:43:00.360 bought by others but i'm still wondering in my head you know it's like my indecisiveness is just 0.99

00:43:08.600 it's it's exhausting honestly it's like what do i do here if i choose this am i going to hurt

00:43:16.280 somebody's feelings if i choose that am i going to hurt my feelings and sometimes i don't even want

00:43:21.960 to make choices because i'm like it's like am i mentally well enough to even make any choices

00:43:26.040 choices like you know am i do i need to get in a better place before i make choices

00:43:34.200 for myself i think that sometimes like man do i should i even make a choice right now i don't even

00:43:39.720 know if i'm doing okay i don't know life's just someone was tricky um but let's take you on let's

00:43:49.240 take in this other uh call about uh about uh co-parenting here we go what's going on theo

00:43:55.960 zach from phoenix i just had some uh jack jack from phoenix my second favorite uh football team

00:44:02.280 right there the arizona cardinals and also like them detroit lions onward advice for that guy asking

00:44:10.040 if he's too old to be having kids or whatever you know i was 23 when i met a woman thought she was

00:44:16.040 pretty cool start dating only catch was is that she was three months pregnant with someone else's 1.00

00:44:20.440 kid of course oh yeah and if you hit not yeah you met a woman she's already pregnant with somebody

00:44:27.960 else's kid that's like kind of like when you you ever go you ever do an easter egg hunt and you go

00:44:33.560 and you already you go to the bush and the egg's gone it's like that things didn't end up working

00:44:39.880 out but i raised that kid for about three years and it told me that having kids was worth it

00:44:45.240 you know even if shit might not go right you might be worried you might be with the wrong person or 0.84

00:44:50.520 whatever in my case i was and uh you know all the all the tough shit was worth it and so i say go for 0.98

00:44:58.280 it man before you get too damn old gang gang gang bro well thank you for the suggestion yeah you know 0.98

00:45:04.760 i think i long i mean i keep having sperm in my body because you know i'm even though i'm still 0.98

00:45:11.640 off pornography i'm back off i think i got like another 30 days under my belt

00:45:17.080 um and that's changed my life i got to talk about that more next week i'm gonna do the episode talking

00:45:21.800 about just how you know pornography and being off of it has really started to adjust the ways i think 0.95

00:45:27.160 and feel um but yeah i keep having when i do touch myself i see you know i have sperm inside of my body 0.68

00:45:35.080 that kind of rears its little beak you know where it comes out of me or you know that self spray kind

00:45:41.960 of and what i'm telling you is that i can still do it so i appreciate it yeah i might do it at some

00:45:51.880 point but i don't think i'm gonna do it right now but at some point i might have to get out there and

00:45:56.520 and catch as i go you know catch a case of the uh of the um you know full sexual reproduction

00:46:09.960 um and i'm glad it was a good experience for you brother you know it's brave that men over there get

00:46:14.840 on the front lines that's like i mean that's almost like a little bitty vietnam that's almost like a

00:46:20.040 skeet at nam you know when you got to raise somebody else's you know skeet for a while isn't it crazy 1.00

00:46:26.840 that you have a bill like a man even a fucking idiot right now has a millions of babies running around 1.00

00:46:31.800 in his body little you know kind of nut buddies and that all you got to do is tickle them enough 1.00

00:46:38.120 around his wiener and they'll and they'll show up i mean if that doesn't sound like

00:46:45.400 like uh like a a new minions movie then i don't know what does right let's take another call here

00:46:55.080 we got a lot of good calls coming in thank you very much hey ceo this is valerie from olympia

00:47:00.520 hey valerie from olympia up there and i think maybe washington or olympia the country i'm not sure

00:47:06.120 we just saw your show in seattle last weekend and it was awesome oh thank you very much yep

00:47:11.800 washington thank you uh thank you guys for coming i was calling about somebody called

00:47:17.320 talking about a friend that didn't show up i mean he might have been stalking him and it might be

00:47:21.880 somebody that he met off the internet oh yeah this was we had a guy who called in last week about um

00:47:27.480 you know he was kind of losing his friend and and he wasn't sure if he should still be friends with

00:47:32.280 him or not um because he felt like he was doing all of the work onward might have been stalking him

00:47:38.280 and it might be somebody that he met off the internet and he's just peeping in the bushes

00:47:41.880 hoping that for some reason that guy would call him back but if it is truly his friend from his

00:47:47.000 childhood and he really does know him um i'm gonna have to disagree with you i really feel like if a

00:47:53.560 relationship is toxic you got to think about your own mental health and and your own happiness at

00:48:00.760 some point and you shouldn't have to work that hard to make a friendship work i'm not saying that

00:48:07.640 he has to cut him off or refuse his call if that guy calls him but i do think it's important to

00:48:13.800 surround yourself with people that value you and just kind of let that one go if he doesn't want to

00:48:19.880 call him back maybe don't call him anymore and seek out friends that are worth your time but also if

00:48:26.760 he's stalking him that's a serious issue and now i appreciate i appreciate the call you know what

00:48:32.200 that's a really good point that's a good thought like yeah maybe yeah like sometimes yeah if the

00:48:39.000 person if it's not cutting it for you then yeah let them go you know when i just heard you say that

00:48:44.520 value it made me think about in my own life like yeah sometimes i i will just keep riding relationships

00:48:53.240 even though there's like nothing there maybe you know like sometimes i have friends i keep

00:49:00.440 talking to them even though every time i talk to them like what is it are we still even friends

00:49:04.680 what's going on even or am i just somebody that for some weird reason has been talking to this person

00:49:10.600 every now and then you know i think i've always had a well i wonder if i'm just like afraid to let

00:49:18.040 friendships go because what if i don't know just so happy to have any connection at all that man i

00:49:26.920 can't let it

00:49:31.080 i can't let it go

00:49:34.440 and it is true it's like um at a certain point we're not helping ourselves it's like some relationships

00:49:39.560 i'm like are these is this relationship even helpful or good for me in my life

00:49:45.240 uh

00:49:47.880 or is it just a burden

00:49:51.480 but then part of me thinks well if this is a burden maybe this other person really needs somebody

00:49:57.880 an excessive care you know someone who just doesn't give up on them you know even

00:50:03.640 you know or doesn't you know keeps it alive no matter what

00:50:12.920 um and i'm not saying that that that's a right way to do it or that that there's any winner in the

00:50:17.720 scenario i think uh because i i think in some cases you can really exhaust yourself i really exhaust

00:50:23.480 myself sometimes you know keeping friendships alive and some people though somebody's probably

00:50:29.880 thinking the same thing about me like man i'm so fucking tired of texting theo or reaching out and 0.93

00:50:35.640 never getting a response you know i got a guy a buddy who uh you know who sent me you know he sent

00:50:44.120 me a couple of nice gifts and he's been so supportive and and i i literally just not had time to reach

00:50:49.800 out to him and i always feel bad it's like but yeah at some point even then at some point am i just hurting

00:50:57.480 their feelings on the other side of the coin by would it be big of me to just say man look i know

00:51:02.760 i'm not putting what i need to into this relationship or into this buddy ship right here

00:51:07.320 this little buddy battle so let me just step off the battlefield

00:51:13.000 yeah it's interesting i think it's case by case basis

00:51:16.600 uh but i will sometimes i will just keep trying to friendship because i'm just afraid to let it end

00:51:22.840 even though there's nothing else there even though you know i don't want to put my faith that a

00:51:29.560 different friend will come along and fill that space a better opportunity

00:51:34.760 and the truth is for me the experience the proof of experience in my life has been

00:51:40.360 that if i leave space for new things that new things will come along

00:51:46.200 as hard as it is

00:51:51.880 as hard as it is to be like okay i'm gonna i'm gonna let this go i'm gonna let this rope go

00:51:59.000 and just

00:52:02.280 start to close my other i'm gonna let the rope go with one hand and i'm gonna start to close this other

00:52:06.680 hand and at the moment that this one hand is fully let go of the one rope i'm just gonna

00:52:14.040 have faith that there's gonna be another rope will have formed in this other hand

00:52:19.480 at the exact moment i need it to so that i don't just disappear off into the ether just fall into the

00:52:26.520 void and it always does that's the crazy thing every time i give like faith or opportunity a chance i

00:52:34.600 feel like it always shows up even though it's so hard to do it that's tricky man damn we are tricky

00:52:43.880 rabbits boy uh let me get this call that came in as always the hotline 985-664-9503 i need to go

00:52:52.840 run or something i gotta get my blood going my i'm feeling like my blood is slow yeah what's up

00:52:58.280 phil this is uh parker i'm here in uh new jersey and you know i'm in high school and i uh i failed two

00:53:07.880 classes you know for the years damn you're in high school dude what grade are you in 41 42nd grade 0.83

00:53:15.160 you in 19th grade man you sound about 50 dude you sure you're in high school uh thank you for calling 0.98

00:53:24.680 man i appreciate you calling i gotta do summer school and it sucks you know the parents don't 0.87

00:53:29.800 like it you're a little pissed off and they're disappointed in me it sucks but you know i gotta

00:53:35.640 do this summer school and i was just wondering if you got any advice for moving on from it moving on

00:53:41.160 with high school trying to get into college and just seeing you know what uh what to do from here

00:53:48.360 because you know trying to get the uh disappointment away from my parents yeah man you gotta go out there 0.54

00:53:54.760 and get that hitter okay little kitten you gotta freaking put your tongue in the milk and start 0.90

00:54:00.200 doing the work yeah your parents are disappointed probably because they've really given you know

00:54:05.240 they've given you so some environment maybe where you can really prosper i mean parker really honestly

00:54:12.440 is not usually a poor kid's name so because if you parker you gotta you know unless you're valet now

00:54:21.000 that usually that's more valet is more a you know a poor guy's name sometimes like you know

00:54:27.640 actually it sounds actually kind of rich valet that sounds french that's my boy valet that's parker

00:54:33.320 so really that's the same name but what i'm saying is parker usually if you met a parker that dude

00:54:41.320 you know what i'm saying he definitely had a couple extra pudding packs in his in his satchel

00:54:45.960 and so you've had the opportunity man you're going to summer school i think you need to decide if you

00:54:52.840 like school or not i'll tell you this going to college is for is fun that's what it is it's fun

00:54:59.240 you get to meet people you get to have fun um you you know i think you should start to maybe apply

00:55:05.320 yourself and see what you could do man i bet you could do a little bit of magic now also you could take

00:55:11.320 another route if your parents got a little bit of coin you could get that little bit of a loan maybe 0.98

00:55:17.960 and go do some wild shit get out there on the you know hit the road and get that bone going boy and 1.00

00:55:25.000 get out there and do some boning do some sex out there travel america or travel europe but school 1.00

00:55:32.440 i think school is cool because it's just a it's an experience you can't really go back to school later 0.97

00:55:37.080 on in life that much and have that much fun you can't be 45 or 46 and trying to uh join as you know

00:55:44.680 peeking in the zeta house windows you know we're running in there in the middle of the night and 1.00

00:55:49.320 hiding a couple pairs of panties in your fucking mouth or throat so you gotta really enjoy it now 1.00

00:55:56.520 and it sounds like you have that opportunity man i would go i would go you could take a year off and 1.00

00:56:04.040 then go but i would go to college because it's a blast but i'd go to summer school and take some 0.98

00:56:08.680 action man get your shit together g up drink a red bull or something or have half a red bull and go in 0.98

00:56:14.520 there but because at a certain point man i i'm not trying to preach to you but at a certain point 0.98

00:56:24.120 some people that don't do you know not doing anything for yourself not getting your work done 0.95

00:56:30.840 that shit starts to become a bad habit 0.99

00:56:37.320 um now you might be a slow starter that late bloomer 1.00

00:56:43.240 you know you might be freaking late bloomer esiason boy 0.97

00:56:47.720 uh but you got to get out the icky woods baby and get into freaking you know into some greener pastures

00:56:53.960 because that's what it seems like um you know there's kind of two roads to go usually

00:56:59.320 the road where you got to put a little more effort in the road where you could just take it easy

00:57:04.200 so i put in a little effort get through the summer school dude and then have some opportunities

00:57:09.000 but don't be a little hoe you feel me man get out there gang bro um man let's take a patreon 1.00

00:57:16.600 question that came in sorry to just be going to the questions today guys i know sometimes this maybe

00:57:21.240 looks like kind of a crutch but um this weekend i'm coming to some shows though i will tell you this

00:57:26.360 i'm excited i'm going to be in san antonio on wednesday i'm going to be in austin on thursday

00:57:31.720 tulsa on friday and oklahoma city on saturday uh and all those shows everybody all the seats

00:57:37.160 i believe are sold out there'll be a couple tickets maybe released but i do not know when

00:57:43.320 so uh but those uh yeah i'm excited i'm really really excited to get down there i love going to texas

00:57:49.880 and it's going to be a real hoot um here is a

00:57:58.520 here's a question that came in faye dvorak from our patreon she hit us up do you do your family

00:58:06.680 members listen to the podcast are they supportive of you sharing stories about your life and family on

00:58:11.720 the podcast and in your stand-up material uh thank you for the the uh the support faye and uh the

00:58:20.840 question yeah i think so you know they don't really admit to it if they do my brother sometimes will say

00:58:28.120 i listen to some of it you know he he listens to it from i think a very like um unjudgmental place he

00:58:36.200 told me one time he said hey man be careful about sharing what you feel sometimes or sharing stuff

00:58:42.440 he just you don't want to kind of corner yourself into a weird place where you know uh he said just

00:58:51.400 be careful just be careful you know um you know i think uh uh he goes i think you just need just you

00:59:01.800 you know he wasn't saying to stop he didn't say don't he just said be careful uh and i can understand

00:59:07.480 what he's saying you know sometimes it's like you know what stuff is is like personal to share and

00:59:13.000 what stuff isn't um but my family was never really close when i was growing up so it's kind of i feel

00:59:21.160 like we've always almost looked at each other as these separate entities than we have as a group

00:59:26.840 and actually even to go back to the co-parenting stuff you know i feel like in some ways i've

00:59:32.760 really struggled because because of that you know i remember i only saw my father kiss my mother one

00:59:38.360 time and it was on the top of her head uh during it was her birthday and she was pissed off about it

00:59:45.720 kind of you know and he just they'd be each been having you know they had a little bit of that

00:59:51.240 champagne that guy dropped some off and my dad always said he bought it but you know him and the guy 0.98

00:59:56.440 we'd hear him fight about the prices of the champagne and shit on the porch and the shit was free so my 0.96

01:00:01.880 dad's like you getting you know we all know this is you you know old stale champagne so but anyway he 0.99

01:00:09.960 brought in a bottle for my mom's birthday and then he kissed from the top of the head and i just remember

01:00:14.840 seeing my mom just be disappointed and and i was already such an aware kid i'm not saying that that

01:00:22.200 damaged me or changed my life or anything you know i was already predestined to have a level of i think

01:00:28.520 awareness as a child that i was going to be highly sensitive but you know but to go back to just a

01:00:38.680 previous like you know we my family didn't build up those connections i didn't really have an

01:00:45.960 understanding of relationships you know my father slept on the couch always i never saw him in my

01:00:51.560 i didn't even know that they had a room together you know i didn't even understand it um so you know

01:01:00.120 i think i definitely picked up on that energy you know i don't know if i could ever share a room with

01:01:04.680 a woman i've you know he says talk about that sometimes uh if i ever got a house or something i would 1.00

01:01:09.800 have to get maybe a different room for my wife or a separate house and that sounds crazy man but

01:01:15.640 that's just you know i don't know and maybe i can defeat that over time but man it just there's

01:01:25.640 something that's you know i don't know if i was out there and i you know i remember on christmas i

01:01:30.760 would go out there my dad would be on the couch all the time and it was just kind of weird and

01:01:36.120 but i don't know as a young man as a young kid if you go out you know i remember feeling sorry for

01:01:40.760 my dad i felt bad for him and i remember like my mom was in this closed off space at the other end

01:01:46.680 of the house it wasn't really closed off but there was like a couple doors you know that usually at

01:01:52.040 night i think were closed and so i could i could go knock or someone but my dad was there he was

01:01:56.680 accessible he was on the couch and so so i would you know end up seeing him and he was

01:02:03.000 kind of awkward and uncomfortable maybe and also older and probably asleep and smelling like champagne

01:02:09.800 and and so my mom always felt closed off to me she felt far away i think when i was a kid

01:02:18.680 um and my dad probably felt rejected or emasculated or let down and those energies i think do float around

01:02:27.720 in the air they float around in the air and they land in a child sometimes in ways we don't know in

01:02:33.160 places we don't know and they land in a child um and look i'm just kind of guesstimating trying to

01:02:40.040 just go through my own you know my own history like searching my browser history of my own brain

01:02:49.480 and feelings but but so we didn't have that connection is what i'm saying uh we didn't have a

01:02:56.200 lot of those connections me my sisters you know then i you know my dad left and then he passed away

01:03:01.480 i went to live with friends at 14. we never we're always separate entities so if they were to be upset

01:03:11.880 about things i think they probably learn more about me through this um and sometimes i think the only

01:03:19.480 reason i even do this podcast is just kind of you know in this real far fetched circle is so

01:03:29.480 you know so um maybe just so my mother will know who i am a little bit or something i don't know that

01:03:36.040 might sound crazy but uh so sometimes i hope that she listens you know but i don't know if she and i are

01:03:45.400 at the communication level where she would ever you know she'll say sometimes i i saw some of your

01:03:49.640 podcasts or i saw a clip but i don't know if she

01:03:55.160 you know i don't know i mean sometimes i feel like i mean i've said it before that

01:03:57.960 most of my life is just a debt has been just a desperate just

01:04:01.880 just

01:04:04.520 just miscellaneous just

01:04:08.520 errant and confused attempt to try and

01:04:12.760 connect with my mother probably and not even an attempt that

01:04:18.120 i'm always conscious of sometimes an attempt that's just

01:04:25.400 you know just like somebody throwing just rocks into like a lake at night or something

01:04:29.160 and they're also are into the ocean and they're also sleepwalking so they don't even know they're

01:04:35.000 doing it

01:04:38.040 you know it's interesting when i if i really i wish i could really had a good chart of everything

01:04:42.520 i've ever done in my life or because i bet there's a lot of uh

01:04:48.760 just miscellaneous patterns that i've had that have just been attempts to connect

01:04:55.080 um

01:04:58.120 with a mother or with someone with a parent with someone or with myself even maybe

01:05:05.880 you know i'm i'm not sure but sometimes i wonder if uh

01:05:12.520 sometimes i wonder if all of us what we do

01:05:16.520 is just some reflection or some

01:05:21.560 inverse our behaviors are just an inverse

01:05:26.040 of

01:05:26.600 of

01:05:35.000 if our behaviors are just an inverse of like unsettled

01:05:42.360 emotional debts that we have

01:05:46.040 with our parents or with our childhood or with

01:05:48.520 like if everything we do is just this kind of mummy kind of like this zombie walk to

01:05:57.160 fill these couple little

01:05:58.440 things that were never

01:06:03.000 filled you know these couple needs as a child

01:06:08.520 i don't know but that's why i mean i do think that the parenting is very important

01:06:12.120 you know because you're just going to give the kid the best shot 0.82

01:06:15.720 so you can't have the kid fucking uber in two hours to go meet the other one i think that's a 0.99

01:06:20.200 little tricky or it's just not ideal but then also that's a lot of where we are these days 0.98

01:06:29.000 that's a lot of where we are

01:06:30.120 but moving forward we can do it different so if our parents were far away from each other

01:06:35.640 moving forward it's like

01:06:37.160 well am i able to be able to have an adult conversation with this man or this woman and

01:06:41.400 say hey you know i know we have this kid you know we disagree with you know we're not in love

01:06:47.480 but can we be can we cohabitate or be in the same space or close enough to each other where we

01:06:55.640 can have an effect on this kid's life uh easily you know but just because it could be something

01:07:02.040 that's really going to start popping off or it could not be you know we don't know which way

01:07:06.600 the tide's always going to go sometimes the moon will get tricky and kind of do a different pull

01:07:12.840 on the water um what else let's take in one more call you know and thank you guys so much for the

01:07:21.160 calls and for helping me think about these things and and for hearing your thoughts you know i do love

01:07:25.960 the fact that uh you know it's episodes like this that kind of remind me not like that helped me

01:07:33.240 they don't remind me they really helped me uh try not to be a know-it-all

01:07:40.440 man and that's a scary thing isn't it because that's easy that's an easy thing for me to be a

01:07:46.440 know-it-all not to listen not to connect you know just to be cut off because it's more comfortable

01:07:55.160 if i know it all then i don't have to learn anything from you

01:07:57.560 if i know and the truth i don't know much i don't even know much think about that think about

01:08:07.400 all there is to know and think about what you what do when i think about all there is to know and

01:08:12.760 when i think and when i think about what i know dude um we're gonna need to see you in the principal's

01:08:20.440 office theo because i am uh i'm definitely uh turning in my work late you feel me i'm coming

01:08:29.880 up a little light so yeah you know but it's funny that i'll be a know-it-all sometimes just to really

01:08:37.080 prevent me from because if i know it all i don't have to listen to somebody else tell me something

01:08:41.160 i don't have to listen to your idea i don't have to connect with you it's just another way i don't have

01:08:45.720 to connect you know you can i can stay out of it i can stay alone i can stay just me

01:08:57.160 you know i don't have to let anybody in it's you know and it's

01:09:04.040 i don't know it's just a wild experiment that we're in isn't it

01:09:07.160 it is a wild beautiful possibly planned experiment and this is the gift man this is it

01:09:19.560 uh let's hear another call right here onward hey theo this is uh you can call me cc for now

01:09:26.600 you'll understand why i was uh okay cc and i like names like that cc dd

01:09:32.920 um randy uh timmy tim tim i like some different names uh blazer i used to know this fellow named

01:09:45.240 blazer i had a problem that i thought you know the rat king in the kingdom might be able to help me out 0.93

01:09:51.000 with so uh one of my co-workers i started working with about three months ago he's been there 27 years

01:09:56.840 with the company uh he only talks about our boss uh about how we screwed him over over some money

01:10:02.360 and some workers comp whatever i try to stay out of it but i got some big tony ferguson here so

01:10:07.160 people think i'm a good listener you got that t ferg huh fergie ferg love you a long time boy 0.99

01:10:13.240 that them you got them freaking you got them sonars huh them bat wings them dark sound fucking suckers 0.99

01:10:21.080 onward uh anyway um so the other day he showed me uh uh one of his little pocket voice recorders 0.99

01:10:30.040 and so i'm worried that i'm on cctv looking at this little pocket voice recorder device

01:10:37.320 and uh i know snitches get stitches but i think this dude is trying to blackmail him

01:10:41.560 and my boss is a good guy like i know his family so i'm i'm wondering what should i do should i

01:10:47.640 tell tell tell my boss tell his family leave like an anonymous note whatever um yeah that's pretty 0.76

01:10:55.480 much it uh gang gang i guess and peace the fuck out well look man it sounds like you are right now 0.89

01:11:04.920 knowledgeable of a crime so if you're knowledgeable of a crime then you got to tell somebody 0.94

01:11:15.240 you got to turn somebody in bucko i mean if if somebody's taking money from your boss because

01:11:23.800 here's the thing if the money goes away and then what the company's gonna go away

01:11:32.280 dude if the money goes away you're gonna get paid less if the boss doesn't have his you know suddenly

01:11:37.320 his family don't have as many uh capri sons in the cabinet uh they're not going down there to

01:11:43.560 pensacola every year to get the you know to get sunburned as a team then if they don't have those

01:11:49.560 opportunity you know if there's less money in the boss's pocket then there's gonna be less pay to go

01:11:54.440 around for you guys so if your boy over there is blackmailing people that's really that's a dark art

01:12:01.560 man so i think but then also if you just don't know what he's doing and he's got these crazy phone

01:12:07.640 videos and shit and you sound you know and you turning him in you over here inspector gadget and 0.91

01:12:12.680 and nobody's even there's no malfunction then you're gonna say you're gonna seem like a real muppet 0.99

01:12:18.040 you're gonna seem like a real fucking like a real just a just like a plastic missile like a little real 0.99

01:12:25.720 bitch missile so i 1.00

01:12:31.560 if you think he's blackmailing your boss i think you gotta say something which one of them is more 0.99

01:12:37.240 your boy that's what i would go with you know i don't think anybody extorting anybody exploiting 0.92

01:12:43.000 anybody i mean i'm getting exploited by this shitty uh bird dogs company you know these people 0.86

01:12:48.520 you know they they baited us to with helping out with a video helping out their company and then the 0.99

01:12:53.960 guy um is a piece of shit you know so that kind of stuff it's not cool to do to people if somebody's 1.00

01:13:02.600 stealing from someone it's not right now if your boss is a real piece of shit and he owes the guy a 1.00

01:13:09.000 bunch of money or something and i think just trust your instincts i'm cool with robin hooding and if you 0.99

01:13:13.880 got a robin hood a little you know when i used to do checkout at the groceries i tell you when the

01:13:19.400 rich people would come through i'd scan one box of cereal i'd scan it three or four times they didn't

01:13:23.560 notice they had three carts they had two kids all all of the kids beautiful one of the kids had on

01:13:29.720 a sterling bracelet one time sterling silver 40 you know 40 carats or something you know 50 carats 0.97

01:13:37.720 like damn he's little this kid was fucking nine months old i'm like look at this kid 0.99

01:13:41.560 over here got dressed up like dang he got wrists like willie nelson dude had a bunch of damn turquoise 0.99

01:13:48.040 beautiful turquoise headers on his wrists and the kid barely could hold up a cabbage off his chest very

01:13:55.000 nine months old and these people got that money so i would you know i'd scan their box of cereal three

01:14:01.560 times and then when the mother come through and she only got a couple chives in there and she got a

01:14:07.800 you know she got a kid on one you know she got a kid on on each tit and one of them's kind of a

01:14:12.120 little bit jaundice i would say hey they had three boxes of cereal i'll scan it one just scan one

01:14:19.640 my register came out even so i think you play about i think you can you can do that one yourself man i

01:14:25.960 don't i mean if our listeners have a suggestion that's fine but as always you can hit the hotline with

01:14:30.360 anything 985-664-9503 and uh because yeah you just gotta you you know what's best man you gotta trust

01:14:40.680 yourself trust your instincts if this dude's out there scholar wagging then you gotta nip you know 0.98

01:14:48.840 you gotta fucking put a nick in his nuts put a nick in his nuts but if he's out there robbing 1.00

01:14:55.800 hood and baby then just fry or tuck a little buy about you know pick up a damn lamb leg and relax 0.99

01:15:03.720 um thank you guys for uh for being on the part of the episode this week we got some really neat guests 0.97

01:15:10.040 we got the uh the wolf of wall street is coming in this week jordan bell fort um who else we got

01:15:16.760 oh some really groovy ufc fighters uh you know roseanne is going on tour it looks like they're announcing

01:15:24.280 on the tour with andrew dice clay um mom called at the beginning of the podcast i checked in with

01:15:30.840 her you know i was driving over here and my uber driver was saying something and you know sometimes

01:15:38.200 it's easy for me to talk to my mom sometimes i'm so frustrated i just don't want to you know i don't

01:15:42.600 want to hear her voice you know i just heard it so much when i was a kid and it was uncomfortable to me

01:15:48.360 and i'm not mad at her it's just this is what happened and so i don't want to hear it i don't

01:15:53.400 even like hearing if i get into an uber i asked the man i said we turn off the direction the woman saying

01:15:58.600 the directions over and over again i don't know why any uber driver would leave that on immediately i

01:16:05.400 can't tip somebody that leaves that voice on like this is some lady's just telling us where to go for the 1.00

01:16:10.840 next 22 minutes i'm out bro but i had him turn it off and i said man sometimes it just it grates me

01:16:19.560 that voice he said why i said you know it just reminds me i think i'm being young my mom was always

01:16:23.720 on me and it just graded me man it just was too much uh there was nothing to balance it out you know

01:16:31.080 my there wasn't that the other softer voice of a father sometimes and or my mother couldn't be a soft

01:16:37.160 voice that she wanted to be because she had four children and there was no man to help you know

01:16:42.840 she and my mother didn't even maybe have a chance to be a you know a real sweet mother 1.00

01:16:51.880 but it you know it's and he goes well you know you just have to love your mother and he just reminded me

01:16:58.920 and he goes you just call her you text her you know no one else has that experience with you where

01:17:03.080 they carry you in your they carry them in your body i mean what if a sandwich that you ate

01:17:10.680 you know showed up nine months later and told you you know it was your son and it looked a little 1.00

01:17:15.080 bit more like you what if you had a you know you had a rubin or you had a blt and that bitch showed 1.00

01:17:19.400 up nine months later and said it was your child you'd be like damn what you were in my body but i didn't 0.99

01:17:26.200 know it was like that and they're like it is like that it is like that papa 0.98

01:17:30.040 you know i'm your uh chimichanga i'm your son

01:17:37.720 it's too no it's too uh it's too um um pequeño el you know my spanish is kind of bad or or this you

01:17:47.800 know or the connection is bad here but sometimes you know we find our family where we can you know

01:17:52.840 we find our family where we can and i'm happy to have i'm just happy to just be here today with you

01:17:56.920 guys man this is uh honestly my weekend i'm really i had a good weekend um i met some new

01:18:02.280 friends i actually had some neat experiences but uh but this has been the best part of it by far

01:18:07.480 you guys be good to yourselves um and i'm gonna play making it on the way in we played alabama

01:18:13.720 by bishop gunn and on the way out i'm gonna play making it by bishop gunn i'm just staying

01:18:19.640 on that bg they're gonna be opening up for the rolling stones can you believe that that little

01:18:25.880 band they're opening up the rolling stones in houston texas uh here we go you guys be good to yourselves

01:18:35.560 me you deserve it okay

01:18:49.640 i ain't seen home in about a hundred days i can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul

01:18:58.680 and i ain't made a dollar i ain't spent but where it's going ain't killed me yet i still get where i'm down to go

01:19:12.680 i'm makin it i'm makin it i'm makin wrong feel right i'm makin it and it helps where i'm headed

01:19:27.000 down i'm makin good time

01:19:46.360 most all of my plans slept right through my hands and wound up next to me broken on the ground

01:19:57.880 if this bottle was an hour glance i'd say that i'm about an hour past the minute

01:20:05.000 i should have put it down

01:20:11.720 but i'm makin it i'm makin wrong feel right

01:20:20.440 i'm makin it and it helps where i'm headed there

01:20:24.600 i'm makin good time

01:20:27.640 i'm makin good time

01:20:37.480 i'm makin good time

01:20:38.920 i'm makin good time

01:20:51.240 Between the lives that I've crossed

01:21:08.920 And the friends that I've lost

01:21:11.920 I'm left here alone in my sin

01:21:16.360 But I'm in pretty good shape

01:21:23.040 For the shape that I mean

01:21:25.840 I'm making it

01:21:29.320 I'm making it

01:21:32.120 I'm making it wrong

01:21:35.120 To see you right

01:21:37.600 Yeah, I'm making it

01:21:40.840 I'm making it

01:21:43.880 I'm making it

01:21:46.520 I'm making it

01:21:50.560 I'm making it

01:21:52.560 I'm making it

01:21:55.400 I'm making it wrong

01:21:58.440 To see you right

01:22:01.120 Yeah, I'm making it

01:22:04.160 And it sounds like I'm hating the end

01:22:07.220 I'm making it

01:22:09.800 I'm making it

01:22:21.440 I'm making it

01:22:22.420 I ain't seen home in about a hundred days

01:22:31.060 I can almost hear mama pray

01:22:33.980 For my restless soul

01:22:37.200 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite

01:22:50.680 And welcome to Kite Club

01:22:52.000 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events

01:22:55.640 Stand-up stories

01:22:56.860 And seven ways to pleasure your partner

01:22:59.180 The answer may shock you

01:23:01.080 Sometimes I'll interview my friends

01:23:03.100 Sometimes I won't

01:23:04.420 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:23:07.920 You have three new voice messages

01:23:10.800 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club

01:23:13.800 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long

01:23:16.600 Longer than anybody else

01:23:18.240 So great

01:23:19.040 Hi, sweetie

01:23:20.640 Here's a deal

01:23:22.060 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club 1.00

01:23:24.540 Is a dodgy bloody wanker 1.00

01:23:26.600 Jermaine 0.99

01:23:27.280 Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese

01:23:30.580 And a McFlurry

01:23:31.580 Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken

01:23:33.420 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me

01:23:38.400 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is

01:23:40.820 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:23:42.520 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:23:44.460 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:23:46.720 Third rule

01:23:47.480 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts

01:23:50.360 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:23:52.740 And yes, don't worry

01:23:53.780 My Brad Pitt impression will get better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - June 24, 2019

Family Matters ｜ This Past Weekend #209

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