First Time for Everything ｜ This Past Weekend #205
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 29 minutes
Words per Minute
166.66418
Summary
It's the Summer Solstice, which means it's finally time to talk about how hot it is in the sun and the moon, and what you should be doing to prepare for the heat of summer. Plus, a new addition to the Blue Chew chewable chewable snack line.
Transcript
00:00:00.140
Man, I'm trying to watch this Game of Thrones, and man, these guys, they just, I mean, they
00:00:16.560
So, I just don't even know what to think anymore.
00:00:21.620
I mean, it's just swords and pedophilia, and they don't even, and what about all the candles
00:00:32.060
Every set, every, they got 2,000, they got nine candles everywhere.
00:00:38.700
Somebody's getting murdered, and they got three candles behind them.
00:00:43.920
You never see anybody, you know, doing like a little bit of fire safety or something.
00:00:51.480
I gotta, I gotta quit worrying about some of this stuff.
00:02:12.240
I don't know if you ever had too much to drink.
00:02:15.620
And that's similar to a flood, but it's different.
00:02:26.460
And thank you for allowing me to be here with you.
00:02:53.220
So if you see somebody tomorrow and they say, well, what date is it?
00:03:03.360
And we are coming up, I believe, on the summer solstice.
00:03:06.260
And that's when summer really, really starts to heat things up.
00:03:11.740
And the planets like all agree that it's summer.
00:03:17.360
And it's because there's always a couple, you know.
00:03:21.580
They always got a planet or two, you know, Pluto, you know, a couple of Jupiter's moons or whatever that are always like, ah, you know, it's not summer.
00:03:39.780
But when that solstice lines up, when that summer solstice, June 22nd, that's the equinox.
00:03:48.640
When it lines up, that's when it's summer says, that's the grilling.
00:03:51.980
That's the time that summer really will fucking grill your meat.
00:03:54.700
That's when that fire comes straight out of the sun and just, it'll get you.
00:04:02.080
If you're trying to get rid of a spouse or something, that is a good time to, you know, to leave them in the yard.
00:04:15.700
I'm going to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by Blue Chew.
00:04:19.760
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00:04:28.400
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00:04:39.760
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00:04:46.300
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00:04:59.380
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00:05:05.200
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00:05:13.020
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00:05:40.500
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00:05:58.780
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00:06:05.420
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00:06:15.640
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00:06:22.840
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00:06:31.200
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00:06:37.920
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00:06:45.900
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00:07:37.880
I'll be in the middle of a mouthful of potatoes, you know, or patats, and I shut down.
00:07:47.080
Like somebody pressed the power button on me while I was patatting, and I will just shut down.
00:07:58.080
I mean, it'll make your ankles roll right out of your feet.
00:08:04.140
And I think it's something we can start to find a way to use on our enemies.
00:08:13.600
We got a, you know, I'm happy to be here with you.
00:08:23.020
I was putting a shirt on, and it wasn't even a strong shirt or a thick shirt.
00:08:29.580
I was putting on a mediocre, you know, a mediocre shirt.
00:08:35.560
And I came out, my head came out the neck hole, and it came out like at an angle, and I hurt my back and my neck.
00:08:45.040
So I've been just kind of real limited edition all week.
00:08:48.840
I've been having to lay ice, lay on ice in my bed.
00:08:52.440
I'll get me a couple trays of ice, and I get my, I got a beach towel.
00:08:59.200
And a beach towel, somebody really, that's marketing.
00:09:03.640
Because a towel, you could do anything with a towel.
00:09:12.840
You, you know, you spilled some wine, get that towel.
00:09:17.180
You know, you, you're in the desert, towel up, put a towel around your scalp, you know.
00:09:24.760
Then somebody said, oh, we need a specific towel for the beach.
00:09:36.080
Somebody put the word beach in front of it, and now everybody's fucking spending an extra $13.99.
00:09:54.300
And man, it's cold at first, but then the pain goes away, and you can't feel anything.
00:09:57.680
And damn, you get so cold sometimes, and then it disappears, and then you don't even know who you are, man.
00:10:03.920
And I even have to put my legs up in the air, and it looks like I'm a damn newborn.
00:10:10.460
Like I'm a newborn, and I'm trying to get my, you know, my bum powdered by mom.
00:10:19.140
And so I do that, and I've just been icing and heating my back all week.
00:10:34.900
I don't, you know, I don't have anything to subside the pain.
00:10:41.720
And they don't have a chapter in the Bible, really, about, you know, pain remedy.
00:10:47.120
The Bible doesn't have, you know, a couple hundred milligrams of ibuprofen hidden in it.
00:10:52.140
So I was going through all of these, Ramadan, everything.
00:10:55.160
I'm celebrating anything this week that will help alleviate the pain.
00:11:00.520
And we had a lot of calls that came in about, you know, I like to think about when I was young and just the joy.
00:11:11.460
And remember when you were young, man, and you, you know, you tried something new for the first time.
00:11:18.400
Maybe you saw, you know, you saw a, remember the first time you saw a peach.
00:11:26.120
That's kind of like a, is that like a senior citizen orange or something?
00:11:31.020
Is that like an orange that maybe been in a halfway house?
00:11:35.720
Or maybe an orange that, you know, it's kind of like one of those hairless cats.
00:11:41.320
But like, it's like a hair, it's like a, like, it's like the hairless cat of the orange family.
00:11:47.740
And somebody's like, no, motherfucker, that's a peach, man.
00:11:59.980
And as we get older, we get used to the experiences.
00:12:06.540
And that's what I'm, you know, and I try not to get too caught up in the fact of things losing their novelty.
00:12:15.040
So, I'm trying to just, I'm trying to stay in the novelty of life.
00:12:18.360
Because there is a lot of beautiful stuff going on.
00:12:20.520
And, and one of the novelties that we all go through in time is when somebody touched our, you know, wiener, you know, up in the, you know, if a lady, somebody touched you down in that trim, trim, you know, in the, down in the Vajertans, bro.
00:12:40.320
Down in them, you know, down in them, down in that, you know, in that freaking little, that, you know, down in that sugar wallet.
00:12:54.820
Down in the old, you know, down in the old oyster, the old oyster coin purse.
00:13:03.940
Well, everybody has a story about that in a different moment in time.
00:13:07.740
And we had a beautiful call about a year ago, lady, first time a man ever touched her vagina was in a abandoned refrigerator box out in the garage.
00:13:19.260
And she had a, you know, she had a, she had a beautiful story about that.
00:13:28.120
And a lot of you guys know, first time somebody, you know, a young lady over there off of, uh, highway 22 kind of masturbated me out into the water.
00:13:39.840
Over there off of the, uh, you know, in one of the tributaries of the Chifuncta river, this lady J owed me out there into the water.
00:13:47.020
And you could see the fish come up and get, get the seed that had come out of my body.
00:13:57.140
Like somebody just put a whole bunch of nature in a blender and just made a damn, just a smoothie, just a soul smoothie.
00:14:05.240
And just poured that bitch right down into your freaking chakras.
00:14:11.920
So a lot of you guys hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
00:14:19.820
And, uh, and you just called in and shared some of your moments.
00:14:24.600
And I'm grateful to you for sharing pieces of your life.
00:14:32.720
Cause look, when you're young, you've been touching your own crotch.
00:14:36.160
You know, I remember we had a guy in our area, this boy, uh, this kid, his name was Tyson, right?
00:14:46.180
They called him fat Tyson and nobody, his dad called him that.
00:14:50.360
So, and you know, he would do, you know, everybody would do, he would, everybody, when you got to know your body, when you find your body had different erogenous zones and erogenous zone is something you massage yourself or touch your nipples.
00:15:10.040
Bro, I thought, I didn't know what was going on.
00:15:12.460
I thought I got like, had fallen down and got an acorn stuck like in my tit on each one, double corn, you know?
00:15:22.640
But I remember fat Tyson told us one time that he had, uh, he had hidden like a small, one of those toothbrushes you get into his, uh, into his honest and his, you know, on us or whatever, you know, into that, that be whole boy.
00:15:39.200
And this, I know this is getting kind of dirty, but I'm just, I'm just letting you know that we all have experiences with our body and there's nothing wrong with that.
00:15:46.840
There's nothing wrong with if you're young, putting something into your buttocks.
00:15:55.980
I mean, when you first are born, you learn about your mouth.
00:16:01.160
So you put snacks in there, put a sugar treat in your mouth, put a little cornbread, you know, put a broccoli or something into your mouth.
00:16:11.960
And then you start learning about other, you know, you sneak into mom's room one day and you see dad in there doing, uh, the ear cleaner, Q-tipping.
00:16:20.600
But, and so you get one and you do that and it's crazy.
00:16:27.200
You're like, if it's so close to my brain, this is scary.
00:16:30.940
And you pull it out and it's a little bit of brown on there.
00:16:33.380
And you're like, Jesus, my brain has brown wax in it.
00:16:41.260
And then another, you know, then your ween, you know, your vagine or whatever, you get used to a new thing, your belly butt.
00:16:46.960
But I remember one of my favorite things, I would lay on the floor at night and put a couple chocolate, um, I would put a couple chocolate, uh, chocolate chips.
00:17:01.120
Because Toll House used to have these sack of chocolate chips.
00:17:03.780
When mom was going to make chocolate chip cookies, she got a bag of chocolate chips.
00:17:07.880
And she would have to hide them, boy, because if I found that sack of chocos to the dome, uh, and so I'd take a couple, I'd usually take three and I'd put them into my belly button and lay on my back by the television watching in the heat of the night, which was a beautiful television show.
00:17:26.420
And, and, uh, and they would get heated up by my body heat.
00:17:34.340
And that's when that, and then my, my belly button would fill with a little bit of chocolate sauce or chocolate, you know, kind of a mousse, I guess, almost a nice, fancy, you know, a mousse, they call it.
00:17:44.800
And then I would dip my finger in there on a commercial break and get me a little hit of chocolate and put that thing in my mouth and just really just eating chocolate right out of my own, my own belly button, which is unique because you, you know, years earlier I'd been inside of my mother.
00:18:03.020
She had fed me through that tube and here I am filling that whole, you know, that, that same space where my mother had once nourished me.
00:18:10.660
Here I am melting chocolate chips, toll house morsels and just morseling myself up, just dipping my finger into that melted morsel and just bringing it straight up into my face, you know, feeding myself now years later.
00:18:27.180
It's the same as, it's not the same, but it's very similar to masturbating into a stream and watching the fish come.
00:18:33.380
And then maybe two years later, you're at a restaurant down the street and you have a little bit of a, you know, some tilapia or some barramundi or you have a cut of a, of a white fish or butterfish.
00:18:48.440
First of all, where, where are they getting new fish from?
00:18:51.680
You notice this on menus every like maybe two years, they put a new, it's like, oh, they got the mahi mahi.
00:19:02.680
See how many mahi mahis they got in that sucker.
00:19:11.740
I'm somewhere the other day and the guy's like, oh, we got, we got line caught barramundi.
00:19:17.300
Dude, I don't give a fuck how you convince that guy, you know, how you convince that thing to swim over here.
00:19:23.480
I don't care if you poured nicotine in the water for a couple of years and slowly got him addicted.
00:19:27.980
I don't, you know, what, oh, we got, you know, we got, you know, we got, you know, we got successfully convinced salmon.
00:19:43.960
Like you just convinced them to jump into the net.
00:19:47.220
It's just like, what the fuck are we doing, dude?
00:20:21.920
You got an email from the Lord and they said, oh, they, we releasing, you know, two new types of fish.
00:20:29.840
We got limited edition over here on these swimmers.
00:20:45.460
Um, I also, right before we get into, I want to say this too.
00:20:48.680
If you hit, uh, you know, we have a couple of shows coming up.
00:20:53.920
Vancouver this week, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Boise.
00:20:59.120
Um, and we always do things for single moms out there.
00:21:02.960
And, uh, we have some tickets that we're going to give away for each of those cities, uh, to single dads.
00:21:10.960
So it would be great, uh, if you guys would email producer, P-R-O-D-U-C-E-R at Theo Von, T-H-E-O-V-O-N.
00:21:21.220
We want to do something special for some single fathers out there.
00:21:23.640
We've got, uh, and just email and nominate a single father.
00:21:30.900
I don't, don't bring me some 79-year-old, 200-year-old guy.
00:21:36.660
Who, you know, he has to drink through a sack or whatever.
00:21:42.120
I want a dad who's got a young child who has a child who's in school.
00:21:49.360
And I know that's just my definition of it, but that's what I would like.
00:21:52.400
So we want to do something special for those men out there, uh, who, cause it's tough for
00:21:59.480
So you want to do special for something special for some single dads.
00:22:03.500
And we want to thank our Patreon supporters for helping us with that.
00:22:09.100
Uh, so just email TheoVaughn at producer.com if you recommend someone in those cities, um,
00:22:16.440
and put the information and we will, uh, we're going to, we're going to give out some, uh,
00:22:21.060
some sets of tickets for those different cities, Boise, Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver.
00:22:27.920
And, uh, thank you guys so much for your support.
00:22:37.560
And Chicago, an amazing city in the U S, you know, a good city where I think you get a
00:22:47.880
Uh, and I met some beautiful ladies over there in Chicago and over the years I saved them on
00:22:52.660
I would be like, Oh, Chicago, Janet, you know, Chicago, uh, Ray, you know, Raylene or, uh,
00:23:03.840
And then over the years, but then you come back to town over the years and you, then you hit
00:23:07.480
them up and you're like, I don't even remember now this lady, you know, she's 45 or 47 and
00:23:17.060
So you got to be careful who you, whose number you save in that great city.
00:23:23.160
This morning on my way to work, I was laughing at the hotline question because my first sexual
00:23:29.560
experience as a 15 year old was with some, with some crotch rubbing and praise God, babe,
00:23:39.120
And, uh, let's hear you just say that part again about the crotch rubbing because it's
00:23:47.060
And my boyfriend and I, who is now my husband, we're in the back of my dad's car on our way
00:24:00.560
I'm going back to that place in my heart in my right now.
00:24:04.280
I want to go put on like a, um, I want to put on a big Johnson shirt.
00:24:11.120
Uh, I want to go put, you know, I want to, I want to put on some old music, some boys
00:24:16.540
to men or some, um, some kind of shit and really make it pop.
00:24:21.160
So you and your, oh yeah, you're in the back of the parents' car.
00:24:25.380
My dad's car on our way home from great America, great America is in Gurney and he lives
00:24:39.720
And I remember I just kind of started touching his crotch.
00:24:52.120
I mean, look, if you put my hand somewhere and you put a crotch somewhere else and you
00:24:58.720
turn off the lights, when you turn that light back on, I swear to God, boy, my hand will
00:25:07.880
Um, I'm the oldest of two brothers, so I just didn't really have any siblings to kind
00:25:13.520
of help me understand what sex was, what was going to happen, none of that.
00:25:18.560
So he started reacting as men do to a woman touching his crotch and he had a, uh, he had
00:25:26.320
a hard on for about two hours all the way from great America, all the way home.
00:25:34.000
Uh, but I remember being so shocked, not really understanding what the hell was going on, if he
00:25:43.900
And you know, that's love when you get erect and somebody asks you if you're doing okay.
00:25:50.300
Usually you get erect and people, a woman might laugh.
00:25:54.300
She might, you know, text or get a shot of it, a snap, show her friend, you know, Ronnie's
00:26:00.960
But it's beautiful when a woman, you know, you get erect, you've been erect for a couple
00:26:11.680
Um, and now obviously it's just something we can look back and laugh at.
00:26:19.580
Gang gang, a two hour wiener your man showed out with him.
00:26:24.180
And if you wanted to enter something in a national 4-H competition, they're judging rabbits and
00:26:30.440
they're judging, you know, little chickadees and stuff.
00:26:33.100
You got to have two of the chickadees and this hair's got to be slicked back and they got
00:26:38.960
But you show me a man who can have an erection, you know, a two hour wiener on a riding back
00:26:45.100
seat of a car while his, while the dad is picking the music.
00:26:57.000
I remember hearing the first time I'd ever even heard about people having sex because
00:27:02.420
And when I grew up peeping time and was, I mean, that was cable.
00:27:05.620
And we used to do some good peeping time and boy, I could see somebody eat and I'll watch
00:27:16.380
And all of it was kind of the same to me at all.
00:27:23.380
Remember that movie with Kevin Spacey and the other boy, Ben Affleck or whatever.
00:27:30.560
I loved watching people live their lives through pain glass.
00:27:45.560
I remember the first time when I was young hearing about sex and hearing that people
00:27:51.180
And there was a boy and he was like a year older than us or two years.
00:27:55.140
And everybody said that he and this girl that had sex on some lawn chairs out by a pool
00:28:12.300
I'm having sex on pieces of paper and just, you know, pinning it to their shirt.
00:28:24.700
People are buying lawn chairs and, you know, laying them, just putting them in their yard.
00:28:30.660
They're buying lawn chairs and like putting gas on them and burning them.
00:28:37.800
But, but yeah, once that fire starts, once you hear somebody, I mean, I remember my buddy.
00:28:52.400
You know, I remember the big thing was if you could touch a woman's crotch while y'all were
00:28:57.600
in the back of the car when the mom was taking you home.
00:29:15.340
If your wife or your significant other's mother is driving y'all somewhere and you in
00:29:21.460
the back with your lady and you get to doing some touching or, you know, or the, or your
00:29:27.020
lady jerks you off while your dad is driving y'all somewhere, that's still awesome, man.
00:29:34.820
That is still, it's kind of like, it's the, it's the Mount Kilimanjaro of sexuality.
00:29:46.000
It's something, it's like so defiant of your parents and at the same time, so like adventurous
00:29:52.140
because with all your dad has to do is turn back and look and you are, you're done.
00:29:58.540
Dude, one of my friends who will name Nate, who will remain nameless.
00:30:05.760
He was with his family driving somewhere on a vacation.
00:30:10.140
Okay, he puts the map up like this and masturbated behind the map.
00:30:19.320
I mean, if you think your parents don't know that you're masturbating behind a map in a small
00:31:01.240
All right, let's take another story that came in here.
00:31:07.120
And we just wonder what a phenomenal time this is in people's lives.
00:31:11.000
This is Kyle calling from North Carolina, man, calling in for the FTC, the FTC challenge.
00:31:19.360
And that's that F, first time F-T, C-T, crotch touch.
00:31:24.380
Thank you for calling in, Kyle, from North Cackalack.
00:31:29.220
And I know Duke was losing in those, in those, to Vanderbilt in those men's College World Series.
00:31:37.440
But kudos to them for developing a great program over there.
00:31:42.440
I know UNC's in the College World Series as well right now.
00:31:45.940
Whatever you want to call it, that first time crotch story.
00:31:49.500
First time I grabbed crotch, my parents and everyone else was going to church.
00:31:55.920
And, you know, when you put the Lord next to the loins, man, it's a real face-off.
00:32:12.480
When everybody was in church, we would sneak away and go upstairs.
00:32:17.500
And we would swap stick with the girls, you know.
00:32:20.460
I was in middle school, and I had my girlfriend at the time, and I had seen my stepsister and her boyfriend do something I ain't ever seen.
00:32:40.920
This is very interesting to me to hear this research.
00:32:53.500
Even though it's Sunday school, suddenly it is Saturday night, my friend.
00:33:01.120
I had learned this new trick, and we were making out.
00:33:06.760
So we get to school that Monday, and I'm excited, you know.
00:33:14.500
I mean, you're the damn Wayne Gretzky of young leg.
00:33:20.620
And she had sent me a note saying we were moving too fast, and she broke up with me.
00:33:27.000
And I didn't grab another crotch for a few years because I was kind of like a PTSD from it, you know.
00:33:33.200
I thought every time I tried to make a move on anybody, they were going to break up with me.
00:33:43.320
Yeah, you know, look, that's very, look, something happens, and it alarms you, and then you set off.
00:33:55.360
Gang, gang, brother, and thank you for sharing your story with everybody, and I mean that.
00:33:59.220
You know, it's brave to put a little bit of yourself out there, whether it's a piece of your past or a piece of your present.
00:34:09.160
You know, I remember now, you know, I had erectile dysfunction for probably about 11 years, and I still really, you know, I'm probably still at all times.
00:34:19.360
I got to have a little bit of gas station, you know, some of those GSWPs, those gas station wiener pills in my system at all times to even really get out of bed in the morning.
00:34:29.060
And I need two milligrams of something running through me, and, and, and it, fuck, sorry, I forgot what I was talking about, Jesus.
00:34:39.840
Man, yeah, well, so you, I remember getting non-erect in a lady, and then I tried to tell her, like, I was doing magic, and I was like, ta-da, and my dick still wasn't doing erection.
00:34:55.200
My wiener was still being soft, being, you know, real natural.
00:34:59.400
And she was disappointed, and then I couldn't get over that for years.
00:35:07.280
I should have just said, hey, I'm just uncomfortable right now.
00:35:10.260
And it probably would have been cool, but at the time, I was just young, and I was nervous, and there was broken glass.
00:35:16.960
And, look, I can't get erect near broken glass, okay?
00:35:21.380
But I can't get erect near broken glass, and I still can't.
00:35:25.820
Or if there's a car accident or something, dude, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't, I ain't getting erect near a car accident, okay?
00:35:38.740
But, yeah, those things really can give you a little bit of travesty.
00:35:43.860
That is, middle school's a little young to be learning that trick.
00:35:47.040
Like, you know, first time I saw some breasts, I remember I was, well, they used to have, somebody had chiseled some tits into a nice birch that had been hit by lightning out near us in the woods.
00:36:01.880
And people used to go masturbate to that, and, you know, and that's just the Lord working.
00:36:07.600
But this was, I was at summer camp, and they had this girl, man, and she had red hair.
00:36:19.180
I'd seen, you know, different colors of hair, brown, blonde, black, white.
00:36:27.720
But I'd never seen red hair, and this girl had it, man, and she just looked so exotic to me.
00:36:34.640
And I saw another camp counselor looking at her breasts one time, this dude, Joey, I think his name was.
00:36:40.980
Or, you know, Joey was actually a little more, this dude, Joey, what was his name?
00:36:53.340
I got, for some reason, I know them, and my brain, my brain is just skipping on their name.
00:36:56.720
But they was out, I think he grew up out off of Leroy.
00:37:01.020
Anyway, but they, Joey, I think, was looking at the lady's breasts, the camp counselor.
00:37:22.000
And I'd never seen titties, dude, except for my mom's, you know?
00:37:29.400
And seen them sometimes when I didn't want to, when my mom didn't think that we knew what titties were.
00:37:33.680
And she would almost, and sometimes she would just get out the bath and we would see them.
00:37:38.020
But what happened was, oh, I saw them, and then I lied.
00:37:47.700
And I was like, yeah, I didn't see them, you know?
00:37:49.660
So then they let me look again, and I looked again, and there they were again.
00:37:53.880
Still just milling around on this camp counselor's chest, you know, tits.
00:38:00.620
And then I said, oh, I remember I said I only saw one.
00:38:03.480
And that time, they fucking said I was, I was like a sicko.
00:38:09.600
And so then I kind of felt like something was wrong with me after that a little bit.
00:38:14.300
And I was afraid to see both breasts at once on a woman, even though I'd lied about it.
00:38:18.500
I was still, like, I'll tell a lie about something, and then also suffer the repercussions of my lie.
00:38:29.220
I'll be like, oh, yeah, I only saw one titt, even though I saw both.
00:38:41.120
And then I'll also think for years to come, when I see tits, that if I look at both of them at the same time,
00:38:54.880
So, let's hear another call that came in, but Sunday school slipping off from the Lord to do the devil's handiwork.
00:39:25.760
And I've never been over there, but, you know, it sounds beautiful.
00:39:47.180
You're laying in bed at night, and you can just hear other kids touching each other's crotches.
00:40:11.080
And crotch always feels fresher when it's right out of the city pool, if you ever noticed that.
00:40:18.960
Crotch always feels fresher when it's fresh like that.
00:40:27.560
And to this point, I had only really seen late 70s, early 80s pornography.
00:40:42.800
So, you know, a lot of bush back in those days.
00:40:46.800
And so, for some reason, I thought the little vajayjay was like an inch or two below the belly button.
00:41:04.580
So, you thought a woman was like one of those little gnomes, those little belly with the jewel in her belly.
00:41:23.060
I was, you know, searching around with the old index and the fingers.
00:41:33.140
I didn't know if I fucked around and got hermaphrodite or something.
00:41:40.020
But, finally, the girl gave me a little assistance.
00:41:42.680
Helped me go a little farther down south and got my FCE.
00:41:56.900
Shout out to Springfield, Missouri, and Public Swimming Pools.
00:42:12.500
Somebody sent me some pictures of him the other day, actually.
00:42:15.100
And I should have put some of those onto this past weekend.
00:42:20.780
And then we had a shirt designed for him as well.
00:42:29.680
Touching, thinking I was, you know, I didn't know what that was.
00:42:40.260
Just put, just, just massaging some girl's fupa or something.
00:42:48.360
When you were young, I had a buddy and he used to practice touching girls on his own b-hole.
00:43:02.060
At least this guy has a little bit of lay of the land.
00:43:11.900
Then I remember thinking that it was all a myth that girls didn't even have vaginas.
00:43:19.420
Because I remember laying down with this one girl up there off a, off Million Dollar Road.
00:43:26.320
And that's when the, you know, the pizza delivery guy had crashed and a lot of people had robbed him and shit.
00:43:33.180
I was back at the house, you know, trying to touch a little of that, you know, trying to just get involved in that womb tunnel.
00:43:45.200
And, uh, fuck, I don't know what I was talking about.
00:43:50.160
But, but anyway, man, thanks for your story, man.
00:43:53.000
Thank you for calling in, brother, for sharing that story.
00:43:56.700
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Today's episode is also brought to you by Hair Club.
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00:48:03.840
Or water had rotted out the paneling under the rear passenger seat.
00:48:07.600
You could get into the car through the bottom of it.
00:48:17.600
But thank you, Mom, for getting me wherever I needed to be.
00:48:27.380
Just calling in to give you my first crotch touch story.
00:48:33.120
And you know, nothing brings joy to youngsters like touching one another.
00:48:44.380
I'm excited to get into the South a little bit later this year on some tour dates.
00:48:49.140
And I want to find some VFW chapters where we can go and do some fundraising at some of those places.
00:49:01.740
I didn't mean to make that about me for a second.
00:49:05.040
It's a long time ago because I'm actually older than you are.
00:49:16.080
I do remember it vividly because it was the summer between I was 13 turning 14.
00:49:21.840
And that was back in a time where, you know, little kids just rode their bikes everywhere and hung out outside and did everything all like that during the summertime.
00:49:29.280
And I remember there was probably about 10 of us hanging around on our little bikes.
00:49:33.500
And we had gone to this little area back to back of the neighborhood.
00:49:49.180
And just on, like, the rocks and a creek and stuff.
00:49:55.160
And back then, you know, I came from an area where...
00:50:04.280
And back then, you know, I came from an area where that was fancy stuff.
00:50:08.600
So the cute one actually looked at me and he was like...
00:50:12.580
He looked at me and he was like, hey, you want to ride?
00:50:20.780
Jumped on the back, wrapped my arms around him, and we took off.
00:50:35.780
Do you want to ride in the backseat of a getty?
00:50:40.180
You got me feeling all of this right now, you know?
00:50:50.580
You got me feeling the past suddenly all of a sudden.
00:50:53.960
On the back, wrapped my arms around him, and we took off.
00:50:58.240
Now, that's the first time I'd ever felt something, you know,
00:51:00.700
shaking in between my legs and stuff like that.
00:51:02.640
So already, and I've got these little cute little flimsy bike shorts on,
00:51:27.840
it was one of those first times I'd ever had that feeling about,
00:51:37.720
I was squealing by the time we got off of that moped,
00:51:45.260
whether I wanted to admit it at the time or not,
00:52:30.380
that place kills monkeys in commercials years ago.
00:54:06.280
and I think it's nice to be able to share your story,
00:54:50.160
where we were all in a space where we could learn,
00:55:01.540
because I want to get into more of an episode here.
00:55:53.740
I'm surprised poachers didn't show up and try to fuck me up.
00:56:05.940
and they were being gentle with each other's bodies like that.
00:56:15.220
She was out on a route or something doing police work.
00:56:19.840
and I lived in this kind of place that police sometimes would show up and just
00:56:29.060
Cause they figured if you out in the woods fucking around at night and you
00:56:42.460
it was just the time her mom was going to come pick her up.
00:56:46.280
my buddy's out there and I remember just putting my,
00:56:51.820
I remember putting my ear to the ground and just,
00:56:56.900
I just wanted to hear as much of this touching as I could.
00:57:10.700
And that's when another kid's dad came out to the,
00:57:27.500
But it's also nature and animals do this all the time.
00:57:30.200
He ended up smelling my buddy's hand for about 15 minutes out there.
00:57:34.140
And this is my friend who just walked off into the woods and touched a gal's crotch for the first time.
00:57:40.300
And then my buddy's dad came out and just smelled my buddy's hand for probably,
00:57:50.660
And we all just sat there and watched him just huff on his hand and just,
00:58:03.500
we got Nick is going to come in and talk to us about the news a little bit,
00:58:06.900
and then we'll get back into a few more stories.
00:58:14.020
but send in some submissions for the single dads.
00:58:17.720
We're going to do some single dads tickets for them for some shows that are sold out.
00:58:21.920
All those shows are sold out and save some tickets to surprise some guys.
00:58:41.160
but I can only imagine that it's probably not that far different than having a single mother.
00:58:49.940
Nick is going to be in with us in just a second.
00:59:26.120
You think considering the most important function is being able to do the podcast.
00:59:45.000
there's like a percent that's always going to be available because we're constantly evolving.
00:59:49.320
So you'll never be to a hundred percent ideally.
00:59:56.620
The goal of a hundred percent is almost kind of a crazy,
01:00:05.080
Just disappear through a wall like Joe Rogan does sometimes according to,
01:00:13.500
Joe Rogan eating ferret sashimi and then disappeared through a wall.
01:00:19.460
I imagine him busting through it like the Kool-Aid dance.
01:00:37.720
Joe Rogan's construction company would be so dope.
01:00:55.580
point guard Kyle Lowry is making headlines on and off the court.
01:01:01.920
You may have seen this jumped into the stands and,
01:01:29.780
the NBA said he can't attend any more finals games and he can't attend any
01:01:33.800
more games until they complete an investigation.
01:01:36.220
Essentially until people stop talking about it.
01:01:47.760
imagine how nervous and awkward that's going to be.
01:01:50.960
It's like whenever you got in trouble over something and you got,
01:01:53.180
then you had to go back to the place and it was always so uncomfortable.
01:02:07.780
if it's a reaction where like somebody bowls over,
01:02:17.820
I didn't even notice what they were talking about.
01:02:29.060
I kind of have a feeling the guy might've had a couple of drinks and,
01:02:46.200
And it's because someone threw something on the court and then the players react and they're the ones that get suspended for the season or worse,
01:03:16.600
Also a game where they've had a lot of trash talk and you got fat Drake over there,
01:03:25.860
At least master P fucking audition to be on the team.
01:03:37.940
but I'm just kind of salty cause I'm a pretty big Milwaukee Bucks fan.
01:03:55.340
I think he borrowed his uncle's car and brought it back late or something.
01:04:06.340
I'm trying to think of somebody to compare him to from,
01:04:21.800
I think if you're going to let people sit up by the front and drink alcohol,
01:04:25.340
they could do things they don't even think about.
01:04:30.500
they feel sometimes like they are in the game and the game almost feels fictional when
01:04:36.780
Sometimes you're so used to watching it on television.
01:04:41.360
it feels like even when I was at the MMA fights,
01:04:50.360
like other controls and know what X and R2 do and all of this,
01:04:59.440
nine guys would have beaten me from behind before.
01:05:05.820
So I think a lot of people have that thought though.
01:05:08.240
I was a big entourage fan back in the day and Ari gold,
01:05:14.520
he got yelled at for stepping down to the court and he's like,
01:05:23.780
like you're part of it when you're paying that much and you're sitting up there.
01:05:32.560
the punishment will probably justify what happened.
01:05:41.980
There's a fine line between how close do you put people to the game?
01:05:56.340
there must be a lot of insurance and a lot of liability policy they have there.
01:06:16.540
a separate game afterwards or a fight after where it's the minority owners
01:06:27.280
and then the players can be at the stands and I don't think they would react the
01:06:31.380
I'd love to see some of these snarky little minority owners out there in
01:06:38.540
have the side piece hold the banana Republic sweater that they wearing.
01:06:44.600
and let them get out there and beat each other at halftime.
01:06:56.320
TMZ reported that NBA teams and are discussing and two have already done it.
01:07:02.700
they are getting rid of the term owner who for,
01:07:13.400
There's some racial racial insensitivity with the term owner.
01:07:21.980
We're going to have to rewrite the dictionary at some point.
01:07:26.520
it makes me uncomfortable when I see people own the people's rights to people on
01:07:33.060
but if somebody is a business owner and I'm employed at the business,
01:07:48.980
I'm not just because somebody writes an article and says that this,
01:07:52.980
that you're still a slave or you're still a this.
01:08:30.680
I think at some point it's just people making click bait and making trouble.
01:08:36.400
well how can we find another way to let's sue this way?
01:08:47.280
People want to buy insurance is so high because they're,
01:08:49.920
they allow lawyers to absolutely sue every single direction.
01:08:53.040
And all these lawyers that are like suing each other,
01:08:56.920
And they're buddies with the judge and they just,
01:08:59.140
they're showing up for another day of work with their friends.
01:09:01.020
And it doesn't matter who's suing who they're getting a piece of it.
01:09:19.340
organizers in Boston are planning a straight pride parade tentatively scheduled for
01:09:25.900
The organizers are still working to secure a permit from the city,
01:09:29.160
but they just on Friday named former Breitbart editor and controversial figure Milo
01:09:42.600
prided himself on fighting for straight rights,
01:09:48.080
I'm not surprised that they have people want a straight pride parade.
01:09:53.220
Now I feel like if anything feels more under attack these days,
01:10:00.640
no one would write this article or something because,
01:10:05.760
a lot of the media companies seem to be in the same group,
01:10:07.640
but I feel like if anybody seems under attack these days or if,
01:10:12.560
but to me it does feel like straight men are under attack these days that
01:10:25.160
And that seems to be like a narrative that's sometimes out there that I don't
01:10:32.060
it's kind of uncomfortable sometimes being a straight male.
01:10:35.460
And if you reject them in a way that even is kind or don't,
01:10:41.020
then they will immediately call you homophobic,
01:10:57.620
I could be a homosexual for a little while in a bathroom or something,
01:11:00.960
but I don't have any intention of being full-time gay male.
01:11:23.900
People don't know the side effects of a donut stick.
01:11:27.920
You think you rely being in there every morning,
01:11:30.460
get you in that donut stick and that thing doesn't have any side effects,
01:11:36.820
So I'm not surprised that they want to have that,
01:11:39.500
that they want to have a straight pride parade.
01:11:42.700
the cool thing about America is any group should be able to meet.
01:11:45.460
And just because a group meets doesn't mean that it's against your own group.
01:11:51.780
that means that they hate gay or they hate this,
01:11:55.900
Maybe it's just some dudes that want to fucking have a good time together.
01:12:22.020
Maybe it should just be the closeted men's parade.
01:12:24.720
What I don't like is if they got this guy Milo Yiannopoulos,
01:12:32.920
I'm not saying I agree or disagree with any of his views.
01:12:36.520
but I think if you're going for somebody polarizing,
01:12:45.660
if you'd have got Ric Flair or something or Dusty Rhodes out there,
01:13:00.460
He's kind of a bucket list guest for me for this past weekend.
01:13:12.840
I think you two together would be just incredibly.
01:13:41.260
You ever get that feeling about Conor McGregor?
01:13:42.800
Like he hates you even though you don't know him?
01:13:47.900
We also fucking bought the Conor McGregor lookalike kit as well, dude.
01:13:53.460
Weren't you Conor McGregor for Halloween as well?
01:14:16.520
A Texas hiker was found alive after missing for over a week.
01:14:26.700
14 lions escaped from a South African national park.
01:14:33.520
I'm sure they'll find room for him to live out here in California.
01:14:37.080
Let them loose on the streets out here in California.
01:14:49.440
It's going to get like that on the street soon.
01:14:57.720
Drew said the other day that the black plague is forming.
01:15:19.240
We're 35 minutes at an Uber from the bubonic plague.
01:15:33.800
It's only taking me about 150 episodes to bring it up.
01:15:44.380
And the show is called another bachelor podcast,
01:15:54.940
then you can check out the bachelor and it's every week.
01:16:07.100
my favorite compliment we get people who don't even watch the bachelor tell us they listen
01:16:20.160
I tried to talk about the show as little as possible when we record the podcast.
01:16:25.680
David Spade kind of has got me into it recently because he,
01:16:28.500
he always reviews it and he likes looking at the chicks on there.
01:16:42.620
Thank you guys for putting up with me on this episodes and just always on this podcast.
01:17:05.300
and I try to keep those kinds of thoughts out of my head and just be myself if I can.
01:17:15.020
And you know what I do a lot of times when I get like that?
01:17:48.420
but I just want to just thank you guys for putting up with me no matter who I am.
01:18:02.120
it really teaches me a lot about support and about unconditional.
01:18:13.520
whenever we have option opportunities to do that in person or,
01:18:20.240
but I just want to thank you for just being supportive of me no matter who I am
01:18:31.700
Support sometimes is being there for someone to eat no matter who they are.
01:18:37.460
they don't do what you want or they don't behave.
01:19:01.240
This was about feeling guilty about things we spend money on.
01:19:11.140
you talked about your friend spending that five feet,
01:19:18.800
how we all kind of feel weird when we spend money on ourselves instead of saving.
01:19:30.500
but I've noticed that I've strained a lot of relationships and,
01:19:34.600
and I've missed out on a lot of opportunities in life to enjoy myself just
01:19:38.600
because I was so focused on that financial saving.
01:19:50.860
I hadn't really realized it until my friend brought it up and she's one of my
01:20:00.240
It feels weird doing something special for yourself.
01:20:02.760
That isn't like what the norm says we need to do with our money.
01:20:16.940
I've also noticed that it's going to stop me from being as happy as I could be.
01:20:36.280
So just wanted to see if you had anything you could kind of talk about,
01:20:54.600
how scary it is to be in a place of uncertainty.
01:21:10.920
everybody has a calendar and everybody has like a,
01:21:24.340
in a higher power of any kind or faith just in,
01:21:40.940
there was a piece of art that I almost bought in South Africa a few years ago,
01:22:01.020
And they're probably in a week that goes by that I don't think about that
01:22:03.880
beautiful painting in South Africa that I could have bought for $350.
01:22:13.160
because I need that money for this or for something or some mutual fund or
01:22:18.140
I need to be able to tell my friend across the table when we're having dinner
01:22:28.280
Because somebody said that's what I need to do.
01:22:38.960
And somehow a lot of these advertisers and stuff,
01:23:04.000
The only thing I haven't played it safe with was my career.
01:23:36.400
I want to try and stay is in the space of being always a student if I can.
01:23:39.520
And I know when I start to get in my own ego and my own will,
01:24:00.160
but then sometimes I also don't like working with myself,
01:24:25.120
I'll see some of you this week in Portland and Seattle and Vancouver and Boise.
01:24:38.160
how do we be brave enough to make choices that might be different?
01:24:50.600
To tell a truth that we're afraid is going to expose us for who we are.
01:25:14.580
And we're the castles and we're the dark corridors and we're the,
01:25:52.820
I want to thank everybody that called in with these magical stories from their
01:26:00.400
I realized that when it comes to dealing with other people,
01:26:07.080
That was the word that I finally found this week.
01:26:45.180
I get it from a lot of people when I'm not really doing well.
01:26:49.980
there's a lot of letters and stuff I get when I'm traveling.
01:26:53.400
And it's not that I don't want you to think that I don't care.
01:26:59.060
And so I don't know if that's okay to share at a group level.
01:27:06.340
Some of them are cut together with newspaper clippings and shit.
01:28:34.880
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
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Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.
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And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
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I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great.
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Aye, sweetheart. Here's a deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
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Ho-ho! I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
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Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
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Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.