Fortune Feimster ｜ This Past Weekend #254
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 34 minutes
Words per Minute
188.56769
Summary
In this episode of Thick & Thin, Theo sits down with Fortune Feimster to talk all things face tattoos, tanning beds, and tanning rooms. Plus, a new Netflix special coming up on Netflix featuring Fortune!
Transcript
00:00:00.920
Today's guest has a new special coming up on Netflix.
00:00:04.780
She is, she's multifaceted and she's a wonderful storyteller.
00:00:13.460
She's very entertaining and I'm happy that she's here with me today.
00:00:42.760
Amanda Bond's got a face tattoo. Can we bring that up next?
00:00:54.820
Yeah, it's really sweet of you to come by. I appreciate it.
00:01:00.240
I just want to see this. I just saw this on the news.
00:01:07.740
Amanda Bond's got that face header right there.
00:01:10.380
Dang, it's not even a good heart. Is that a heart?
00:01:15.060
It's like somebody got drunk and tried to make a heart, but it's like kind of a lopsided O.
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It's like a tattoo a buddy of yours would give you like in Syracuse or something at a party.
00:01:27.260
There's like a Flint, Michigan, basic white person kind of tattoo, I think.
00:01:32.080
She doesn't look anything like she used to look.
00:01:43.240
It's almost like, you know, I have this idea sometimes that in the future, the layer of...
00:01:50.780
We'll wear like an actual protective layer of skin in the future.
00:01:53.760
Because the sun will just be murdering all of us.
00:01:58.660
I think my thoughts were just that it'll become like an old idea.
00:02:07.280
Like, we'll eventually have like a newer layer.
00:02:09.700
Because it also seemed like people are on the...
00:02:11.260
Like, people are just like face tatting and just totally...
00:02:16.860
It's like people are just at the end of the road with the old layer.
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We're going to be one of the last people to like have worn our natural skin.
00:02:32.500
Yeah, and I think they'll just blow it on almost like with a...
00:02:39.180
Maybe a tanning bed if you ever go to like one of the stand-up ones.
00:03:03.720
And this body has not seen the light of day ever.
00:03:07.560
As much as, you know, I'd love to rock a two-piece.
00:03:15.380
In college, I bought like a package of four sessions for a tanning bed or whatever.
00:03:20.480
I went to one and I was like, all right, this is not bad.
00:03:23.520
And the second time I went, I got undressed, which, you know, is a feat.
00:03:34.240
And I got into the tanning bed and they hadn't turned it on.
00:03:42.400
No one's like, listen, because it's like part of it's a tanning bed and other parts of the
00:03:49.860
I used to work at a place called Frozen Options.
00:03:53.440
And then a fucking bootleg tanning that people got pink eye from the bed.
00:03:59.440
So, like, no one's turning it on and I'm just like sitting there and it's getting cold and
00:04:08.460
And I'm like peeping my head back and I'm like, hello, like no one's doing anything.
00:04:16.300
So, I just made, I just turned it on and put, you know, the 10 minutes or whatever.
00:04:32.420
Like they had like looked in the, I don't know, a video or something.
00:04:43.060
I'm all like, no, I did the appropriate amount of time that I paid for it.
00:04:47.880
But I could never go back after that because they were giving me such a stink out.
00:04:55.480
Oh, this bitch in here is stealing fucking hot minutes.
00:05:00.580
I was like, my body can't even take extra hot minutes.
00:05:04.460
I'm telling you, I just, y'all weren't doing your job.
00:05:08.920
So, that was my, I got a, I got a tan in bed shamed.
00:05:21.920
I mean, I was, I mean, I got as tan as my body pigmentation will allow.
00:05:35.620
And if we ever go out to like a beach or something, I'm that asshole with like a towel all over
00:05:40.360
my body where you can just see like this much of my face.
00:05:44.180
Because I just, I'm like, no one expects me to be tan.
00:06:09.620
And my mom used to open the windows in our apartment by the, she would move the dinner
00:06:14.480
table over and open the windows and put a lawn chair right there.
00:06:18.860
And she'd have a little bit of beer and get, catch some sun right there.
00:06:22.260
But let me see that tattoo one more time, Nick.
00:06:30.400
I mean, it looks like some of my nephew drew on her.
00:06:41.740
You remember when she, remember she was a childhood star and then she really, I guess
00:06:46.420
she's, I don't know if she struggled from addiction or she had mental health issues,
00:06:53.120
But I mean, she was known when she was growing up has been very girl next door.
00:06:58.460
You know, she was in all those movies where she played the cutesy, like, you know, nice
00:07:09.040
She was like tweeting about wanting Drake to murder her pussy.
00:07:16.000
Well, first of all, we've got enough black crime in America.
00:07:20.800
And I don't think Drake is the guy who's going to murder the pussy.
00:07:24.240
Drake seems like the guy that'll maybe like sneak up on the pussy and tickle it.
00:07:29.300
It might, you know, get a little romantic with it.
00:07:32.320
But I think that was the cry for help where everyone's like, oh no, she's in trouble.
00:07:39.900
Oh, and then she threw a bong out of a window too, I think.
00:08:01.120
But I think I had read a story about her like a year ago where she had gotten, she'd gone to get some help.
00:08:09.660
I don't know the mental stuff for any sort of addiction.
00:08:13.160
And she was taking classes at the Fashion Institute.
00:08:21.780
And maybe she felt like she didn't want to be a celebrity.
00:08:39.320
When I was, I was working on a dog show one time or a pet show or something.
00:08:52.460
And so we went to a dog place where they had, where rich people had their dogs go for the
00:09:02.120
They got AstroTurf and they got fucking magical, you know.
00:09:13.920
Like you'd see a guy in there with a pot and like stirring it.
00:09:25.080
Yeah, one dog was getting, one dog was getting a dime and put on one of his incisors in his
00:09:31.220
Like it was fucking, and that was Little John's dog actually.
00:09:35.080
Dude, they said that, they said that Little John's dog had been there for a month and that,
00:09:40.200
and he had gotten the top of the line stuff for it.
00:09:42.620
So all the dogs had to play in one area and then Little John's dog had his own fucking
00:10:02.680
The, but Amanda Bynes' dog had been there for two months.
00:10:08.960
And it was a, like a hot, it would look like a slipper that was alive.
00:10:23.420
You'd like, you'd like give it a treat and suddenly you'd put the treat in its butt.
00:10:27.500
You know, you were like, where's the face on this thing, you know?
00:10:32.660
It was following me around like a fucking hot Ewok, you know?
00:10:36.040
And, and they're like, hey, we'll give it to you for a thousand bucks.
00:10:39.100
You know, it's been here for so long that we, you know, we can't really board it anymore.
00:10:49.620
You know, now I might go 800 on a fucking Bichon or something, you know?
00:10:54.620
But that dog didn't sound like a thousand dollar dog.
00:10:58.320
It kept, it was almost like the parent I never had, like in the distance.
00:11:01.700
It was, every time I turned around, it was like about 30 feet away.
00:11:08.240
So it could have been an erection coming out of the fur.
00:11:22.440
That was the closest I ever came to having Amanda Bynes' dog.
00:11:25.240
And so, I wonder what ended up happening to that dog.
00:11:40.320
I bet I could actually send her a DM and ask her.
00:11:44.180
Like what did, she probably didn't even realize she had a dog.
00:11:49.880
I wonder, reunited with pet dogs, she accidentally drenched with gasoline.
00:12:01.120
She accidentally, that doesn't look like, that's maybe a different dog.
00:12:13.440
That looks like it if it, that looks like it if it had gone, had like Nicholas's cage's life.
00:12:18.420
Like it looks, it had a lot more hair than that when I met it.
00:12:26.520
This was 2013 that she was reunited with a pet dog that she almost set fire to.
00:12:33.580
Well, it kind of sounds like a dog that would meet.
00:12:42.220
Maybe I could reach out and even see if she would come on.
00:12:47.600
We have a lot of, you know, I struggle with it and a lot of other people do.
00:12:51.120
But I think it could be interesting for her to just share like probably what it's been like.
00:12:55.620
Because that's the scary thing about Hollywood.
00:12:58.540
You only know when like people are like, you know, the Britney Spears situation where she's got an umbrella and shaved her head.
00:13:11.360
And I think it would be interesting to talk to her.
00:13:13.400
I mean, just to find out like, you know, where things started to go off the rails and how she got it back on track, you know?
00:13:23.480
But yeah, like I bet it was tough to forgive whatever the things were that were really bugging her, you know?
00:13:37.900
They're going to say, people watching her are like, she looks like the kid from Bad Santa.
00:13:51.500
There was a video question someone asked, and I had to look at your IMDB, but they were like, in Bad Santa, did you actually cut your thumb when you were making that Santa?
00:14:01.220
People are always like, they're all like, the kid from the Sandlot or the Bad Santa kid?
00:14:18.220
People say that I look like, if I were a blue button up, they say I look like, who's that woman who was in Sleepless in Seattle?
00:14:49.780
I tried out for, when I was like 10, they had an open casting call.
00:14:56.860
Do you remember that show, Wild and Crazy Kids?
00:15:03.620
They were looking for the pyramid, trying to win a contest?
00:15:14.900
I went out for the open casting call at the mall.
00:15:18.600
And, you know, I had like jelly stains on my shirt from McDonald's breakfast.
00:15:26.440
Dude, when I was young, I used to sneak a couple of those packets.
00:15:29.360
And I would slick my fucking hair back with them sometimes.
00:15:49.160
So the guy, like, you know, they have a producer, like, asking all the kids questions.
00:16:00.700
Because, you know, you're just like a little awkward fat kid.
00:16:05.120
And he just like looked at me and just like, no.
00:16:31.460
I was in college because I think we're around the same age.
00:16:34.300
And they had another open casting thing in Raleigh where I was going to school.
00:16:40.660
And they gave us like passes to go to the front of the line or whatever.
00:16:46.120
And so people have been waiting like, you know, all night to meet everybody.
00:16:52.140
And I come in all like, you know, my Starbucks.
00:17:07.740
And the line for those things is always like the most obtuse people.
00:17:15.080
There's always a lot of like, I don't know, maybe desperation, I feel like.
00:17:33.960
And I just, you know, they pull us all in in groups.
00:17:43.640
I never really talked about it, but I'll talk about it.
00:17:46.260
But, yeah, I want to hear more about your experience.
00:17:54.980
And, you know, of course, they're asking questions like, where's the craziest place you've had?
00:18:03.120
And I'm just like, oh, you know, I don't even know I'm gay at that point.
00:18:11.100
Everyone's like, you know, well, I fucked once on a washing machine.
00:18:15.520
And everyone's like trying to outdo each other.
00:18:19.540
Someone's like, I fucked on the back of a senior citizen.
00:18:24.440
And I'm just like, well, I can't wait for this group part to be over.
00:18:35.220
Yeah, it's people desperately like, yeah, I'm dead.
00:18:43.320
Because I was a nerdy-ass 20-year-old who hadn't really lived life.
00:18:48.120
And they go, all right, thank you to all of us.
00:18:55.500
So I technically auditioned, but I didn't answer one question.
00:19:01.260
But dude, what a card to play, though, the silent card.
00:19:08.320
And did you still leave, though, thinking, hey, they might reach out to me?
00:19:11.460
Yeah, I'm like, well, they got my contact information.
00:19:16.920
Because, you know, we didn't really have cell phones at that point.
00:19:35.120
Like, knowing what I know now, I'm like, what a dumbass.
00:19:43.100
Isn't that interesting to know how, like, it's like sometimes you'll want something.
00:19:47.780
And then later you'll realize, oh, I'm so grateful that didn't work out.
00:19:51.520
That didn't happen that way because there was this other plan going on for me that was supposed to fit really well.
00:19:56.840
Well, it would have been hard for someone like me who, you know, didn't know.
00:20:03.720
I mean, I moved to L.A. and still didn't know I was gay.
00:20:07.020
Like, I was just a little bit of a late bloomer in that way because I grew up, you know, in the South and North Carolina where I just didn't know.
00:20:14.560
I didn't have those examples so that I would have been like, everybody else would have been like, this girl's dumb as shit.
00:20:21.240
Like, we all know, you know, so it wouldn't have been probably a good experience.
00:20:25.320
Oh, it would have been, yeah, you might have been forced to have to, like, really figure it out before you were ready to figure it out.
00:20:31.020
Yeah, or I'd have been that person that's like, he's cute.
00:20:35.720
Yeah, you're banging dudes, but you're the one, you're behind the dude, and it's like, whoa, this is interesting.
00:20:48.740
So, I want to, yeah, I want to hear your, how it happened for you, how you ended up being on that show.
00:20:53.720
Yeah, I'll tell you, so before, I'll just, you made me think, so if you, so I've never asked a gay person, because you, you're 100% gay.
00:21:05.600
I appreciate you assuming I could have some bisexual in me.
00:21:12.140
Bro, I'd watch you fuck one of these fucking whack-ass dudes running around.
00:21:17.840
Oh, I'd pay $200 to see you bang out Tony Hinchcliffe over there, dude.
00:21:29.420
Dude, you know what's crazy is one day someone's going to walk up and actually kill him.
00:21:34.500
And it's going to be the greatest, saddest, most amazing fucking documentary ever.
00:21:42.360
Dude, so if, do you know, like, because like, I just wonder sometimes, like, if you look, when you're thinking back in your life now, so now you're comfortable being gay, you know, there's no questions inside of you or anything like that.
00:21:55.860
Like, do you, can you look back to like a seed where it's like you kind of can, where it makes more sense?
00:22:03.900
I mean, once you know, once that like cloud is kind of lifted, you look back to your whole life and you're like, oh, my God, there, there, like so many, so many things.
00:22:16.100
Like, but, and, and now with everything being like so gay, like people talk about gay stuff all the time.
00:22:27.960
Yeah, and like being gay to some people is like, cool, and you're just like, like, you don't even know if they're genuinely gay.
00:22:42.660
Yeah, I want to open a bakery so I'm going to come out of the closet.
00:22:46.660
Or I'm going to have a fashion line so I have to be gay.
00:22:48.720
Yeah, so it's just, I think too, part of it is that people aren't like conforming to labels now.
00:22:59.760
And, you know, yeah, I can look back and just be like, oh, my God, like this is so obvious from like early on.
00:23:06.760
You know, you just don't know it because, you know, anyone you kind of, any dude I assume might be gay, like in my hometown, would be like, hey, girl, this is my wife, Pam.
00:23:20.620
Yeah, and then she'd try to hold his hand and he'd be like, oh, gross, no, like reprimand.
00:23:26.600
And then she'd be like, oh, gross, no, like reprimanding her.
00:23:27.560
And so I just didn't know, you know, I was like, I didn't see any out gay person.
00:23:38.920
They always had a secret dude that worked at the bank that was gay, you know.
00:23:41.880
Yeah, and there was like any woman who I thought might be gay was like a librarian.
00:23:49.860
And you're just like, man, she's doing a lot of yard work.
00:23:55.240
Like that perfume, she's like, that's gasoline.
00:23:59.640
Yeah, so it was just, you know, it was a different time.
00:24:02.200
And so you didn't, you knew what gay was, but you didn't think it could apply to you in any way.
00:24:06.980
Because you're like, well, no one else I know is, so I must not be that thing.
00:24:10.340
It's so interesting, because I, yeah, I just sometimes wonder, like, what is that feel, like, what is the, like, does it, yeah, like, how does it start to, like, feel inside of you where you.
00:24:22.320
It gets to, for me, it got to the point where you just couldn't deny it anymore.
00:24:28.940
And it was, like, I had moved out to L.A., and moving to L.A. was a big thing for me, because then I was seeing gay people everywhere, and no one even batted an eye.
00:24:40.000
It's like, I mean, for me, I felt, like, so stupid.
00:24:42.960
I was like, look at those people holding hands.
00:24:44.540
Like, it was like, I'm like, what am I, like, born in a barn?
00:24:47.700
It really felt like I was an idiot, or it was like, whoa.
00:24:51.800
And then, like, you start to, like, the L word came out.
00:24:57.500
Like, you start seeing, like, you're, like, two chicks, hot chicks kissing, and you're like, wow, I'm feeling things.
00:25:05.940
And then it just sort of bubbles up to the point where you're just like, ah.
00:25:12.820
Yeah, some dude came out of the closet at one of my shows one time.
00:25:15.720
Yeah, he was, I swear to God, he was laughing so hard, he's like, ah, I'm gay.
00:25:22.100
And his buddies are like, what the fuck, Patrick?
00:25:33.140
Dude, that's so, does it, so if you're, does it feel like, do you, does it feel like if you, does it feel like you get, like, an erection in your vagina if you're a gay woman?
00:25:44.620
So, I mean, when I was watching the L Word early on, yeah, you're kind of just like, you're, you're, more tingles, I think, than anything.
00:25:53.600
You know, we don't get the, the boners to, to tell us, like, that we're excited.
00:25:59.380
It's more like the butterflies and the tingles where you're just like.
00:26:01.860
So when that starts to happen, could you think back to other times when you're learning, like, oh my God, I got that feeling some, but I had no idea what was going on, like.
00:26:09.500
Well, I was very intense about certain friends growing up.
00:26:13.640
You know, like, if I, I, I joked, one of my very first jokes was, like, I talked about how I would get so upset if my friend Michelle would go out on a date with a guy, and my mom would be like, I don't understand.
00:26:30.800
It's like, so intense, you know, you just, ah, ah!
00:26:40.320
You're in a car with binoculars in the distance.
00:26:49.100
You just get so, like, angsty, you know, because there's all this stuff inside and you don't know what it is.
00:27:03.940
I'm like, yeah, but like, we weren't supposed to go to Chili's together.
00:27:11.680
Yeah, just that, like, ugh, that, like, teenage, like, blah, blah, blah, that, like, goes on for longer than it should.
00:27:22.500
Because I would have, like, sort of these, like, intense friendships where it almost felt like you were dating at times.
00:27:37.160
And so you get just so emotionally invested in that person that when their straightness continues and a guy comes into the picture, you're just like.
00:27:51.780
Yeah, you're like an R2-D2 and he fucking just.
00:28:01.320
It must be a little hard, even though it must have been oddly heartbreaking almost in some ways.
00:28:06.100
Even though you didn't know maybe exactly what was going on.
00:28:08.860
Man, that would just feel so heartbreaking, I feel like.
00:28:11.340
I mean, I think, you know, when I talk to other gay people who have those experiences, I think where the heartbreak comes in is that you're getting told no.
00:28:21.860
Like, even if it's not a verbal no, from early on, because there's, like, something between a closeted gay person.
00:28:30.900
Like, if you and I had met in high school, like, we'd be buddies right away.
00:28:41.720
And so, even if I do find men attractive, so even if I would find a guy attractive, it would never be reciprocated because my body, who I am, is putting out something I can't control.
00:28:59.560
And so, you're just getting rejected from the beginning.
00:29:05.280
And so, that definitely affects, I think, a lot of gay people.
00:29:09.980
And some people work their way through that, where they're, like, they build up their self-esteem in other ways.
00:29:17.520
Some people start drinking a lot when they get to, like, college and stuff to sort of mask that pain of rejection.
00:29:24.520
Everybody deals with it in different ways, but.
00:29:27.640
Yeah, it's, I can, I never really thought about that.
00:29:30.100
There must be this rejection from, like, the way that society's kind of built.
00:29:37.180
Especially in younger people, too, because younger people don't even know what they're doing.
00:29:41.100
And, you know, yeah, it was just like, I went to prom and stuff, but usually I ask the dude.
00:29:53.640
So, yeah, I just didn't have that typical, normal dating.
00:30:02.700
Yeah, you just kind of, like, dating sort of became, like, a non-thing.
00:30:08.820
So I became sort of the overachiever, like, oh, I'm going to be in all the clubs, and I'm
00:30:14.180
going to be president of the student government, and I'm going to make A's.
00:30:18.520
Right, I'm going to find other ways to, just to express myself.
00:30:23.740
I had to find validation elsewhere, because I wasn't the girl getting flowers on Valentine's
00:30:31.960
I'd be like, Sheila, you're going to finish those cupcakes.
00:30:42.360
Yeah, I was, like, getting flowers from my brother.
00:30:47.160
It's wild, because you really, like, you also have this whole vibe of, like, a real
00:30:58.620
I don't know why I said that even, but I just, yeah, I don't know.
00:31:08.000
Well, I think, I think where I was able to sort of find connections with people, it
00:31:14.980
was more of just, like, being friends with people and being genuinely interested in them.
00:31:22.600
And I had a lot of friends, you know, and then I was, sort of became the class clown
00:31:31.280
So, I did find laughter early on was sort of that bridge that gapped that disconnect
00:31:44.640
So, then all of a sudden, people are looking at you with a different set of eyes, you know?
00:31:50.360
They're not looking at you as, like, oh, there's that, you know, chubby girl that's
00:32:01.440
And almost kind of what a neat, so much of our, like, who we are and our validation
00:32:07.040
becomes based on that, like, response we get from the opposite sex.
00:32:18.660
So, it's almost kind of neat that if you were able to, like, kind of take that out of your
00:32:22.880
picture, even though it probably affected you some, I'm sure, to take that out of your
00:32:26.440
picture and find other ways, and just be able to build friendships with people and not
00:32:31.800
It's almost kind of a weird blessing, it seems like.
00:32:35.020
Yeah, because, I mean, I did see early on, like, people get really wrapped up with men,
00:32:43.780
Like, even my mom, you know, after my folks got divorced, she was so hurt by that and that
00:32:51.820
rejection from my dad that she spent that next, like, 10 years just, all that mattered
00:33:04.280
And I would see her just get crushed, you know, like, because she put everything into
00:33:08.360
that dude, to the point where she was neglecting stuff at home.
00:33:12.800
Yeah, the rest of her life, her finding other joy, yeah.
00:33:14.980
Yeah, and so, all of her validation was completely there.
00:33:18.760
And then when that thing didn't work out, she just was on the floor.
00:33:23.040
And that definitely had an effect on me, where I was just like, man, I can't do that.
00:33:32.180
So, yeah, in a weird way, it allowed me to stay focused, I guess, and put more value
00:33:39.420
And create a new way to breach, just to a new, it's almost like you didn't get stuck
00:33:46.860
into this same path, because so many people, it's like you get into there and everything's
00:33:52.300
based on it, fucking, you know, Larry looked for every, it's like, does Larry look at me
00:33:58.200
Yeah, and I've seen people make career decisions that have changed the course of their life
00:34:03.580
for a person, you know, for love that didn't work out.
00:34:08.720
And so, you just wanted to find, like, you wanted to make those decisions when it was
00:34:16.040
So, I was glad I at least didn't spend my high school, college, early 20s, where that was
00:34:31.660
I remember biking across town to find some titty magazines and stuff.
00:34:37.120
I used to bike five miles to masturbate, dude, on the weekend.
00:34:40.220
It was like the biggest thing I looked forward to.
00:34:42.480
Well, back then, you couldn't, you know, porn wasn't as accessible.
00:34:56.300
Bro, I was the healthiest fucking masturbator in time.
00:35:09.760
You're basically like the David Spade of a lesbian community, I feel like.
00:35:23.140
We have a question that came in about that, actually.
00:35:38.660
Maybe her husband may only be allowing her a certain amount of words.
00:35:55.840
So y'all starting to twiddle your thumbs over here.
00:36:12.260
And then I wanted us to at least live together a year to see if we still liked each other.
00:36:17.460
So once we hit the year mark, she made so many sacrifices.
00:36:23.900
She was a kindergarten teacher, left a job she really loved.
00:36:26.640
And she was working in the inner city, Chicago.
00:36:38.200
Because I probably would have maybe waited like another year to get engaged.
00:36:42.080
But I wanted to show her I was serious about us and appreciated the sacrifices she made.
00:36:49.240
But neither of us had the intention of getting married right away or to be in any hurry.
00:36:55.000
We are going to get married sometime this year.
00:37:05.640
Yeah, it's just I think normally when people get engaged, there's like usually it's the bride.
00:37:15.160
But technically, but that bride's usually like very much like, all right, I've been dreaming about this my whole life.
00:37:26.520
Well, she and I never dreamt of getting married.
00:37:30.540
Because, you know, we just, again, that wasn't my fantasy.
00:37:34.740
I didn't think that was ever going to happen for me.
00:37:37.140
Even if you think about the wedding cake, it's just one woman standing up there by herself.
00:37:40.800
So we don't have all these things we've always wanted to do.
00:37:46.480
So for us, we're just like, and we've lived together now for, you know, over three years.
00:37:53.560
We will get married, but it's just one of us has to freaking plan something.
00:37:59.060
So I think I just got to find like a wedding planner.
00:38:06.860
You know, but yeah, you can get somebody to do it.
00:38:11.920
I think we'll probably get married at the courthouse or something.
00:38:17.820
Like, she doesn't like to be the center of attention.
00:38:19.600
She's very like, she does not want to say vows in front of people.
00:38:34.120
You got to have, yeah, you got to have some, yeah, a nice celebration.
00:38:36.700
It's almost like when, like people don't ever celebrate their birthday or something.
00:38:40.900
Well, you just, I just want, it's a, there she is.
00:38:45.840
I'm trying to think of where we ran into each other.
00:38:51.840
She's, she's beautiful and so smart and, and lovely.
00:38:58.420
But she's, she's kind of joined the circus that is being a standup comedian's partner,
00:39:07.700
And LA's, you know, Chicago is an awesome city.
00:39:12.180
And LA, if you're not in the business, you're kind of like, what is this place?
00:39:17.560
So it's been an adjustment for her, but I think she's, it's finally starting to feel like home.
00:39:22.140
So now we're in a good place with LA and making friends and that it feels like a good time
00:39:36.580
If you'd like to bike to our wedding and masturbate.
00:39:42.180
And dude, the whole time I was biking, I would try to look, my main goal while I was biking
00:39:46.600
was to look like I wasn't going to masturbate when I got there.
00:39:52.320
Because I remember thinking the whole time that, oh fuck, everybody knows that I'm biking
00:40:00.560
I knew my basketball coach had a bunch of nudie mags he kept in his bathroom.
00:40:06.180
So you would go to your basketball coach's house and be like, yo, can I borrow some of
00:40:14.400
I would just go in there and pretend I had to do a bowel movement for about two hours.
00:40:18.140
And then I would be so embarrassed to come out of the door, I would go out through the
00:40:21.280
window of his house and leave the fucking bathroom door locked.
00:40:28.440
And it was one of those locks, like the old one.
00:40:30.820
It was one of those locks, you put the little latch in the thing.
00:40:42.660
I think he thought I had just bad GI tract or something.
00:40:45.820
Man, things were so different back in the days.
00:40:56.260
But back in the day, you were just like, yeah, I'm hanging out with my teacher.
00:41:02.740
That's one thing that's messed up a lot of things in America is just everything.
00:41:10.780
It's almost like, yeah, everything's a lawsuit.
00:41:14.400
You know, so they have to make everything safe.
00:41:17.740
You know, the school bus driver can't say things to the kids.
00:41:25.520
You don't know what you're going to say that's going to offend somebody.
00:41:41.820
It feels real, all the outrage and the bullshit.
00:41:48.460
But it feels like in the world, things aren't exactly like that as much.
00:42:05.280
And, you know, you hit somebody's car, call your insurance.
00:42:13.540
I think we're the only country that really is so litigious in that way.
00:42:20.540
You know, people's all, you know, chasing money.
00:42:31.520
I was going to University of Arizona's and they had auditions there.
00:42:35.440
These have auditions at like six or seven schools around the country.
00:42:45.820
If you want to basically cut the top of your car off with a fucking welding torch and also
00:42:51.840
cut your sleeves off to match your fucking car.
00:42:57.420
Then University of Arizona is the place for you.
00:43:17.120
So I went there for one semester and they had auditions at a bar called Gentle Ben's,
00:43:24.460
And it sounds like a fucking place that's definitely going to get a sexual harassment
00:43:40.680
I'm depressed, but so this was a time when I was, and I went in there and they had auditions
00:43:44.660
and yeah, they sat us in a group and, um, and they just started talking.
00:43:53.180
And, uh, and, uh, and I, and I just remember being like, I bet half y'all would be afraid
00:44:04.500
I remember they would always be like, what's this?
00:44:15.360
Like the first guy was like gay, but then wasn't going to be gay.
00:44:21.340
He said, and then went back to like, everybody had like a crazy story.
00:44:24.440
One guy was doing fucking Renaissance fairs and shit.
00:44:35.380
So I was like, I bet neither one of y'all would, would, would fuck twins, you know,
00:44:40.560
And so then when I'm leaving, I guess, I guess not.
00:44:53.780
And she got fucking asked to go to the next round.
00:45:02.920
So then what happened was when I'm walking out of there, the man like taps you on the
00:45:11.880
And it was literally like 30 pages of stuff to fill out.
00:45:15.340
And he said, Hey, fill this out and mail it in.
00:45:18.760
And you'll hear from us in like within six weeks.
00:45:26.240
And then, um, I never heard from him and that was it.
00:45:30.380
So then the next year I'm at Louisiana state and they had auditions there and every year
00:45:36.440
they had like six campus where they would have audition.
00:45:39.560
So it just happened to be the next year that they had it at this campus.
00:45:46.740
So I went again and then, and I kind of knew, okay, the first round you say something wild,
00:45:53.200
And then, uh, and then, uh, and then watch somebody fall over.
00:46:00.260
So, so I don't remember what I did the second time, but I did something.
00:46:11.160
And I remember actually, I remember, so then they had you, they had you fit, you know,
00:46:15.580
you fill out the packet and this time I didn't try to be wild on the packet.
00:46:20.220
I just tried to be like, just talk about my life.
00:46:22.740
And so then they called one time and then they made you set up a camera and they would
00:46:27.880
call you and interview you and you had to mail them a tape.
00:46:32.020
And then they did that three more times and it was with therapists and different types
00:46:43.440
I still know her, this lady, Laura Kikorian, that's her name.
00:46:48.660
And then they had you drive to a regional, like they had like 20 or 30 people drive to
00:46:57.140
And so I drove and I went in the hotel and it's, um, and in the hall, in the hotel, it
00:47:05.700
smelled kind of, it was like kind of a, it was in an urban area and it smelled like a
00:47:09.660
lot of like urban kind of hair care products and stuff, you know, kind of like.
00:47:13.440
Cause I grew up, you know, with riding on the school bus, a lot of black kids, a lot
00:47:17.760
And I was like, Oh, it smells kind of like black people in here.
00:47:21.580
And I remember saying that right when I sat down and I could just see their eyes just
00:47:29.640
And I didn't mean it like, Oh man, it fucking smells like black people in here.
00:47:35.400
I was like, Oh, it smells like, I can't remember exactly what I said.
00:47:42.440
You always said shit that made people feel like that.
00:47:51.280
Two seconds later, a black woman comes in and asked everybody a question in the room.
00:47:54.980
And I was like, Oh, it's that, maybe it's that lady.
00:48:00.200
And then, so then I remember after that, they, yeah, they would ask me more questions about
00:48:07.540
Cause they wanted people that sort of like push buttons and stuff, right?
00:48:11.340
They wanted people that would say stuff that was outrageous, I think.
00:48:14.800
Or just, I don't know if I was just too naive to even know.
00:48:21.340
But also I think people knew I wasn't, you know, I've never come from a place of like,
00:48:31.460
You just seem kind of misunderstood by the rest of the cast.
00:48:37.680
And then cast members at a certain point, they start to become cast members.
00:48:44.480
I'm the one who's gonna, you know, like if anybody says anything inside a line, I'm going
00:48:49.220
Some lady's like, Oh, I'm going to come out of the closet, you know, even though I don't
00:48:52.340
even know if I'm gay, you know, some guys like, Oh, I'm the guy who's going to fuck
00:48:56.440
You know, some guys like, I'm going to buy steroids.
00:49:03.680
And then one day they called and said, Hey, do you want to go on road rules?
00:49:08.720
And it was crazy because at the time, so many people watch the show.
00:49:15.980
And I remember thinking, man, this is going to be just a life change.
00:49:20.020
You know, I remember going to a basketball game that day and walking into the stadium,
00:49:26.180
the basketball place and thinking, man, next year, if I do that show next year, half
00:49:33.700
When I came in here and, uh, and that was kind of, that was just a wild feeling kind
00:49:39.860
And then when I, then I went into the show and went back to LSU and it was a nightmare.
00:49:51.460
I remember one time I was at a bar, I was waiting to go into a bar and some kid threw a
00:49:55.640
bottle and it was right by my head and shattered on the, uh, on this bar right next to me.
00:50:01.780
And that's when I was like, man, I got to get out of, uh, here.
00:50:10.100
I was at a bar by Tulane University and some kids started fucking with me and then started
00:50:28.900
And then these people ran around their house and were throwing things through their windows.
00:50:37.140
They broke like three windows in these people's house and I was just like, Jesus, dude.
00:50:42.440
It was just, just a couple of weird, you know, shit that was real scary.
00:50:45.920
You know, so I was like, I probably need to get out of here.
00:50:48.500
Was it that they thought you had like, like they wanted to take you down a couple of pegs
00:51:02.680
I don't think it was a matter of how you were acting.
00:51:08.980
It was just a lot of like really shit that made me uncomfortable.
00:51:17.040
I would have never guessed that that would have been the.
00:51:21.780
You're like, what happened to the basketball game?
00:51:32.540
But that was just a couple of things where it was like, oh, I'm not going to, you know,
00:51:36.180
I'm not going to die down here because somebody wants to be a prick, you know?
00:51:44.740
But anyway, that's kind of a fucking downer story.
00:51:58.700
She was a child star and stuff went south of the rail.
00:52:00.700
It was just never as good as you perceive it's going to be in your mind.
00:52:07.660
One cool thing was one time they had flew me back to Los Angeles for something.
00:52:11.760
And they sent a limousine to pick me up, which was so bizarre, dude.
00:52:20.480
And he would always bring up these crazy fucking drunk chicks.
00:52:23.820
And I would have to hide and fucking kind of sleep by the closet, you know, under a bunch
00:52:29.380
of sheets so it looked like nobody was in there.
00:52:32.300
And anyway, so I had the limousine stop at the bus stop because I waited this one bus
00:52:38.640
stop and pick up everybody and got in and dropped them all at school.
00:52:44.580
Just pulled up and was like, hey, you guys, get in.
00:52:53.200
That's like that comedy club up in, what is it, Sunnyvale or something.
00:53:14.580
You got like your one book bag and like a satchel of merch.
00:53:40.560
Fucking Twitter over here is looking down on me.
00:53:49.360
What's one of the weirdest clubs you've played over the years, do you feel like?
00:53:52.880
Was there something weird when you were starting out?
00:53:54.520
The one that tripped me out was in Peoria, the jukebox or something.
00:54:00.120
Oh, I love Peoria, but I never played the club.
00:54:06.020
There's a strip club on one side of it, and then right across the street is a race car track.
00:54:22.440
It's kind of more of a passion thing than it is.
00:54:28.460
These dudes are like making these cars in their backyard.
00:54:31.240
Like racist people will show up and be like, I'm ready.
00:54:40.100
But like, so dudes would wander over from like the strip club, drunk, be like, where am I?
00:55:15.860
That was probably one of the most memorable ones.
00:55:24.960
I performed once back when I did Last Comic Standing.
00:55:37.380
Uh, they, uh, I started touring pretty much right after that.
00:55:42.780
But, you know, nobody, only people who knew who I was-
00:55:47.920
But, um, they like hired me for a charity event in Virginia Beach.
00:55:52.840
They're like, oh, it's going to be like sit down dinner.
00:55:57.060
It was supposed to be like sort of through a gay organization.
00:55:59.500
And, uh, I guess like a week before the guy in charge quit and some other guy was just
00:56:05.400
like handed the project and he was just like, uh, so it was like, it ended up being at like
00:56:10.380
a biker bar, like, uh, Harley, you know, and the dinner was like a Chinese buffet with
00:56:19.260
Uh, and, uh, there was no gay people in sight and I had my mom meet me up there from North
00:56:27.280
Carolina because, you know, I was new to touring and stuff and, uh, fuck man, the stage was
00:56:33.780
like a crate, like a fucking, you know, Coca-Cola crate.
00:56:37.440
And the light was, uh, the light was a clamp, one of those clamp workspace lights and the
00:56:46.520
mic was like, sounded like a karaoke, like a kid's karaoke machine where it's like, oh,
00:56:54.520
And they hired an opener, uh, who used to, who came up with a comedy store, Steve Moore.
00:56:59.600
He was, uh, he was an old comic and he was supposed to do 20 and I was supposed to do
00:57:10.020
It was like biker dudes that were just like, what the fuck is this?
00:57:14.260
And, uh, and there was maybe only like 20 people there.
00:57:24.460
And my mom, I was like, dude, you can at least be make it 21 in here.
00:57:32.000
And I got 20 bikers looking at me like I'm insane.
00:57:36.200
And my mom's just looking at me like, what profession have you chosen?
00:57:40.880
And I, I, I don't, by the grace of God, I just like somehow figured out what to talk
00:57:49.860
But you know, that's early on when you're just like, I don't really have 40 minutes.
00:57:53.320
So I think I was like asking what's, Hey sir, like, where are you from?
00:58:00.440
And, uh, I mean, I've never been scared in my life to be on a crate performance.
00:58:12.180
Every time you move, it's like, on my karaoke machine.
00:58:28.120
Dude, I remember we, me and a friend of mine went to a school, University of Arkansas, Little
00:58:56.800
We stopped before at like a store that had a bunch of, like a dollar store, got a bunch
00:59:08.440
At the school, they had to go in and take them and bring them back to the crate.
00:59:50.960
Because I came from, I did groundlings first and then transitioned into stand-up.
00:59:59.160
So I had this whole past comedy thing of characters and improv and all that stuff.
01:00:06.640
And I had a character that was a Hooters waitress named Darlene Witherspoon.
01:00:12.520
And so I filmed myself like in an alley pretending to be a Hooters waitress.
01:00:17.420
And it didn't go viral, but a lot of people watched it.
01:00:24.180
And so I was sort of known at that time as like Darlene Witherspoon.
01:00:31.780
And they mentioned that they were fans of Darlene Witherspoon.
01:00:35.520
So I just assumed, well, then that's probably why they're hiring me.
01:00:39.100
All the students must be fans of Darlene Witherspoon.
01:00:49.700
And so I, at those colleges, you have to do an hour.
01:00:59.400
And then my big idea was that I was going to take my clothes off.
01:01:04.140
And under my clothes would be my Hooters outfit where I'd be in this tight Hooters shirt and these tiny orange shorts.
01:01:11.620
So I take it off thinking like, here comes the big finale.
01:01:26.200
None of them have ever heard of this fucking character.
01:01:29.700
It was the people that hired me who were fans, the, like, you know, advisors.
01:01:35.840
These students were just like, you know, they're 18.
01:01:37.980
Like, why is this fat girl in a Hooters outfit?
01:01:42.240
And she's, why is she, like, everybody was like, oh, my clothes are up on stage in a pile.
01:01:56.740
And you must have known immediately, too, that it wasn't going well.
01:02:07.840
And I just, these kids were just, you know, when you're 18, they're, like, uncomfortable.
01:02:14.060
They're, like, they're not in on the joke with you.
01:02:18.980
College kids that are going to those events are fucking fucktards, dude.
01:02:27.080
Like, what, you know, what happened to this poor woman?
01:02:30.000
They're, like, I'm part of the Native American initiative here at fucking Fayetteville, Arkansas.
01:02:35.860
It was, and I still had, like, a good 15 minutes left.
01:02:39.100
You have to commit to that shit where you're just, like, I'm going to prance around in my Hooters outfit just acting like this is normal.
01:02:48.460
Dude, my worst show was, I mean, there's so many of them, but one of them for sure, University of either North Florida or Central Florida.
01:03:02.980
And so they hired, I got to be the host, the emcee.
01:03:08.720
I'm thinking I'll do a couple minutes, warm them up, and then, you know, it'll get the crowd going, start to bring up a band.
01:03:21.760
They don't have, some dude, honestly, threw the American flag at me, I remember.
01:03:27.520
It was on a thing, and it just came and hit the stage.
01:03:30.080
And I couldn't tell if that was, like, a good thing or a bad thing.
01:03:39.940
And it was about 800 kids in a small venue, and they were all excited, because I think it was a Greek thing, and it was their Battle of the Bands.
01:03:47.900
So I go backstage, and I burned through all my material.
01:03:55.940
I bring out a band, and they're like, okay, you just need to do, you know, about four or five minutes between each band now.
01:04:02.380
Which feels like an hour when you're fucking eating dicks.
01:04:06.060
Oh, I felt my spine literally crawl out of my ass and hide in my sock, dude.
01:04:14.900
So I just came out again, bro, the second time.
01:04:20.040
And literally, I kept coming out to the point where about the fourth time, it became funny that I was coming back out again.
01:04:28.060
But, man, I remember crying internally, like tears forming, but not coming out of my face and only going backwards into my throat.
01:04:45.840
Do you wear a bra, and would you or have you ever shot a porno?
01:04:57.920
Do you wear a bra, and have you ever or would you shoot a porno?
01:05:11.740
I do wear like a, it's kind of like a shout out North Carolina right here, by the way.
01:05:22.180
It just, I don't wear the ones with the wires and the things, so my boobs should be like here if I did do that.
01:05:28.780
So now they're like a little bit, they're like midsection.
01:05:38.580
But they say women, oftentimes they're not wearing the appropriate size bra.
01:05:44.620
So I got to go to one of those bra specialists and get like a better one probably.
01:05:55.380
I mean, I'm sure that comes as a shock to people watching or listening.
01:06:03.700
This is a turn the lights off, you know, no candles even.
01:06:17.180
Oh, speaking of no lamps, here's a guy who definitely just woke up.
01:06:26.780
My question for both of you is when Netflix calls, is it a call?
01:06:37.520
How does that go down when they go, hey, you're getting a special?
01:06:44.060
Also, if you could turn into a motorcycle, would you?
01:06:55.440
And his shirt say dick fuel and the motorcycle man, I think.
01:07:21.480
I did one for Comedy Central and then one for Netflix.
01:07:28.540
Yeah, for me, well, I did the half hour first as part of the stand-ups.
01:07:40.060
I don't know how it went with you, but for that, they call my agents and then just sort
01:07:46.820
And so that helped me sort of get in the door with Netflix.
01:07:51.220
And then they, I think we went to them like a year and a half later to do an hour and they
01:07:59.660
Because it's gotten very competitive, you know?
01:08:03.440
They're saying no to a lot more people nowadays because there's so much.
01:08:17.880
And so I just sort of, and I got the same sort of answer from other people, which I
01:08:29.800
It sort of forced me to kind of put my head down and just hit the road even harder.
01:08:36.060
So I spent a year and a half just, I mean, I've been touring since 2010, pretty much since
01:08:42.860
So I hadn't stopped that process, but I just like cranked it up even more where I was just
01:08:47.700
like gone like every weekend, just like beating this set as hard as I could, trying to make
01:08:55.120
it better, trying to get it to a place where it, they couldn't deny it or be it Netflix or
01:09:02.400
And so, but you don't really think about that as the end goal.
01:09:12.040
This is an outside thought of like what's going to happen bigger picture.
01:09:15.840
You can't control, you can't control if someone's going to buy it or not.
01:09:19.400
And, uh, and so I, uh, got it to a really great place and, uh, and then they, I, it sort
01:09:28.940
I'm doing a morning radio show for them now on Sirius XM.
01:09:37.520
And, uh, so it sort of came like, you're going to do this radio show with them and also we
01:09:45.520
So it was, I think a phone call and then you meet with them later.
01:09:52.800
For me, it was like, I, I, I've gotten plenty of no's in my career, but I'm very motivated
01:09:59.740
It makes me like, you know, I got, I was on a pilot that Tina Fey produced.
01:10:08.160
And it just like, something was like, all right, you got to know, but you have Tina
01:10:16.200
So I pitched her a show in a, uh, selling my own show and we've shot that pilot.
01:10:22.000
It didn't go, but that led to me being on the Mindy project.
01:10:24.760
But so I just try to use those no's as a big motivator.
01:10:31.560
I said, I shot it in Charlotte, North Carolina.
01:10:46.240
So that meant a lot to me because I've been in LA 17 years and they don't really get to
01:10:54.460
And so to get to share that with them was a special for me.
01:10:57.840
And it's a very autobiographical set, uh, where I go through like birth, elementary school.
01:11:04.180
I take everybody on this sort of timeline journey and then I bring it back sort of full circle.
01:11:10.000
And I talk a lot about being from the South, you know, and cause I think the South gets a
01:11:17.380
There's assholes everywhere or ignorant people, but I fucking love, Southern people have been
01:11:24.520
so good to me and I am proud to be from the South and I wanted to have it filmed in the
01:11:30.440
South because I think people associate the South with certain people.
01:11:40.280
I wonder sometimes why they, why it's almost like the people that make a lot of the news
01:11:44.880
stories have never even, they're not from there.
01:11:57.060
Would help a neighbor where no matter the color of their skin does it.
01:12:03.040
So I just wanted to like, I'm not ashamed of that part of myself and my past at all.
01:12:09.720
I'm like, I'm Southern, but I'm also gay and I'm also a daughter.
01:12:15.800
So I tell a lot of stories that I think a lot of men in particular kind of assumed they
01:12:25.260
And a lot of dudes come to my shows like with their girlfriend or their wives and you can
01:12:29.180
kind of see them being like, all right, what do you got?
01:12:32.260
And then by the end, they're the ones that are like, oh my God, like that was, I had such
01:12:37.080
And that means so much to me because I'm like, I'm trying to just make people feel good.
01:12:41.720
I'm telling stories that everybody can relate to.
01:12:44.440
So I'm really proud of this special and I just want people to watch it because I don't
01:12:48.660
know, just, I feel like I'm, I'm presenting a, a different look, outlook on that world.
01:12:56.060
Well, no, and they also have an, I was talking about this yesterday, I think we had Tommy,
01:13:03.920
Tommy, Tommy, we had Tommy Lahren in yesterday, the newscast.
01:13:06.940
She's like a Fox, you know, she's, and she's very conservative, you know, but I was talking
01:13:13.160
about, they haven't had anyone from the South in comedy since the blue collar comedy tour.
01:13:23.380
Reba, I mean, they've had, they had that Reba show, which was great.
01:13:37.140
And so it's, it's like, you tell me, in a place where there's so much history, so much
01:13:45.460
And that's the thing, like, Southerners are such storytellers.
01:13:50.340
And that's, a lot of my standup is, I'm just telling stories.
01:13:53.380
I'm not, I'm not doing the, like, set up punchline, set up punchline.
01:13:58.700
I'm like, here's a funny story, and it's going to make you laugh, you know, on the way to telling
01:14:08.760
I think, like, you know, we tell stories, because we grew up with, like, people that
01:14:14.420
you would think, like, that's not a real person.
01:14:22.360
That's what our whole podcast is based on, mostly.
01:14:26.780
And I grew up watching everybody tell these crazy stories, and they're, like, full of life.
01:14:32.300
And I, I mean, of course, you know, that influenced me, influenced you.
01:14:35.740
And, uh, a lot of Southern comics, you know, but I just, uh, I felt like being gay, you're
01:14:44.640
sort of just, like, thought, okay, well, you're a gay comic.
01:14:54.840
Like, it's, I go, I own a house in North Carolina.
01:15:03.500
Like, you're telling me there's not, I can't imagine how many great personalities have
01:15:11.040
That are Southern women, you know, that are just, and I think a lot of Southern women
01:15:17.000
Probably because I think in some of the, in some of those spaces, there's still, like,
01:15:25.060
I mean, like, when I started at the store, like, Sarah, Sarah Tiana was there, so that
01:15:33.560
Seeing, like, another stand-up, but, you know, there's, like, a handful of us.
01:15:58.880
Yeah, they had a big charity event at their house.
01:16:02.480
I don't know if we can watch it on here right now.
01:16:13.320
She was driving around with a golf cart smoking, like.
01:16:17.460
Okay, Luke Bryan and his wife Caroline asked me,
01:16:28.040
He's, like, telling his mom that this girl's been stalking him.
01:16:38.160
He's just telling his mom's mom's having a cigarette.
01:17:13.800
Hey, get on your stomach, get on your stomach, get up, you hurt me, I can't breathe, you
01:17:23.420
hurt me, give me five minutes, get up, get up, give me five minutes with your, I will
01:17:29.560
breath, I will breath, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, 12 days of
01:17:37.500
pranksmas. Oh my gosh, she falls down, she fell down. That's so funny. They prank each
01:17:46.340
other all the time at Christmas. He could have killed his mother with this, man, that
01:17:50.160
is intense. So Luke's wife, Caroline, is a big pranker. Oh, really? So every year, she
01:17:57.020
does 12 days of pranksmas. This was months before Christmas, she set this up, because
01:18:05.560
they had a big charity event at their house. Was it a golf tournament? It was, it was
01:18:09.840
like a bunch of stuff. It was like a gun range, it was putting, it was fishing, it was like
01:18:16.320
a day outside, and they played like music and stuff and raised money for the Brett Boyer
01:18:21.740
Foundation, which helps kids with like heart defects. Oh, wow. Down syndrome, stuff like
01:18:27.000
that. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Dang, that sounds like fun. Oh, it was awesome, because
01:18:31.480
that, you talk about getting back to my roots, like, I don't get to do stuff like
01:18:36.300
that very often, you know, live in LA, I'm on tour all the time. Yeah. Like, just to
01:18:40.100
go to somebody's farm and like fish, and like, you know, just shooting targets and
01:18:45.880
stuff, and they had skeet shooting. Oh, really? Yeah, it was awesome, and then I
01:18:50.640
had like the, all the, like Jason Aldean, all these guys were playing music with him
01:18:55.280
that night, and Kid Rock came out. He did? Yeah. Was it in Nashville? It was, yeah, in
01:19:01.680
Nashville, at their, they have like a house, and it's like a farm. Is it Leaper's Fork
01:19:06.020
out there, or no? I don't, I honestly don't know, they like shuttle you somewhere, because
01:19:09.960
you know, they don't want, people don't know where they live. Oh, yeah. Blindfold you, put
01:19:14.440
you in a trash bag. That's awesome, man. What's so funny is like, my, my fiance is like, you
01:19:20.080
know, living in Chicago 12 years, and is from Michigan, and they go, do you guys
01:19:25.200
want to shoot a rifle? We're like, yeah, we'll try it, and so they had like five
01:19:29.620
targets, and I, I try, shoot, I hit like the target maybe once. She gets the rifle,
01:19:34.720
and she's like, pew, pew, pew, pew. I'm like, what the fuck? She nailed all five targets without
01:19:42.460
even like flinching. I'm just like, oh. Kindergarten cop, huh? Kindergarten cop, 100%. Damn, that's
01:19:52.200
nice surprising. I'm like, okay. Now I can pay her as security. That's right. Yeah, she'll
01:19:56.900
protect me. I'm a, I'm the puss. Our alarm went off one time, and she, and I was like,
01:20:02.160
we got to wait for the cops. She's like, no, I'm going in, and I, and I stood in the doorway,
01:20:08.000
I was like, I have the, my hand on the panic button of the alarm system. Should anything
01:20:13.040
happen to you? I'm of no use. Don't let this big body fool you. I'm like, that's when I
01:20:22.600
become very straight. Help me. Help. Theo, I need a man. She'll be like, you're supposed
01:20:37.540
to be the butch one. I'm like, what are you talking about? Get your man boobs over here.
01:20:49.720
Oh, man, that's hilarious. Yeah, I'm so excited for your special. Yeah, that's how it worked.
01:20:56.960
Yeah, yeah. Did you call, did they call you? Yeah, I had one, yeah, let me see, 2015, I
01:21:04.040
think, and they came out and saw me, and then they said, yep, we'll do a special. They gave
01:21:09.600
us like a certain budget, and that was it. You shot yours in New Orleans? Shot mine in
01:21:14.760
New Orleans, and I wish, I really wish I hadn't, just because, yeah. I am glad my mom got to
01:21:20.040
be there. I think my mom got to be there. My family, a lot of family and friends got to
01:21:25.080
come, so that was the best part, was just them getting to be part of the experience.
01:21:29.080
Yeah. The tough part was just people there had not, there hadn't been a lot of comedy
01:21:33.980
there. Same, same with me. So a lot of people didn't know what to do. They didn't know when
01:21:38.600
you were joking sometimes. They didn't know. Yeah. One person was yelling defense for half
01:21:42.420
the thing. They thought it was like a sporting thing. Oh, my God, really? Some ladies yelling
01:21:45.280
defense, they had to throw her out. Oh, my God. This lady's out of her fucking mind, dude.
01:21:49.440
Yeah, I had a similar thing where the show started like an hour late, because, you know, you're
01:21:53.920
filming, they're setting up the stage and everything, so people were like pissed about
01:21:56.900
that, and you're just kind of like, well, at tapings, it's different than a regular show.
01:22:01.220
At tapings, they do kind of start late, because they're trying to get all the stuff, they pick
01:22:04.940
cameras and lights, and so everybody got hammered in the, like, hallway. Oh, yeah, now that's
01:22:10.480
risky. Oh, an hour of just people pounding it. So people, but people were so excited for
01:22:16.260
me, and I appreciate that. I love that. They were like, you know, they were yelling at me
01:22:22.180
in my whole set. Oh, wow. Some gay guys were even yelling, lesbian! Like, as a term of
01:22:29.380
endearment, but I'm like, dude, I don't want lesbian being yelled out during my entire Netflix
01:22:36.420
taping. They're gonna, like, some editor's gonna have to be like, oh, you know, going
01:22:40.220
through this whole thing. Yeah, it's funny, people don't realize, like, don't just cheer
01:22:44.420
the whole time. Yeah. Like, just listen to the show. Right. Some people are like, we're
01:22:48.360
gonna cheer, we're gonna fucking let them know. It's like, they're gonna know. Yeah,
01:22:52.400
I had one, I had one woman who, when I would say the punchline or whatever she
01:22:56.980
had, that's right! And I'd be like, no, or like, yep, that happened to me. This was
01:23:03.500
my first show. I had to be like, ma'am, I love you, but can, like, you not do that? And
01:23:09.920
she kept doing it. Like, yep, that, mm-hmm. And finally I went, shut the fuck up!
01:23:14.120
It was bonkers, and then the second show started late, too. They had been drinking
01:23:21.000
all night, so it was rowdy. It was rowdy. Yeah. Yeah, so I, I'm glad I, the same, I'm
01:23:30.060
glad I did it there, because I got to share that with friends and family, but, you know.
01:23:35.500
It's risky. It is, yeah. Because people think it's just a party, we're coming out to
01:23:39.720
party. Exactly. Which a live show is. Yeah. Any live show, you're just like, yeah, I
01:23:44.640
want you to have the most fun ever. Let's fucking have the best hour and a half
01:23:48.780
ever. Yell what you want, we'll do it. Yeah. But at a taping, you're like, ugh, I
01:23:53.860
gotta. Yeah. You just gotta get this done. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough to be up there and be a
01:23:58.280
comedian and also trying to feel like you have to kind of, like, uh, produce, you
01:24:02.080
know, like, you know. Yeah. Be a, you know, a controller as well. That part was the most
01:24:06.820
interesting, because you, it's harder to, like, stay in the moment, you know, like,
01:24:11.220
because a live show, it's just, like, so natural, and you're just like, I'm connecting
01:24:15.940
with you, you're connecting with me, but, like, when you're taping, the producer part
01:24:19.980
of you is like, oh, I messed that line up. You kind of like, or you're, like, thinking
01:24:24.160
about where you're standing. There's, it's something a little more unnatural about it,
01:24:28.880
but then by the second it shows, uh, that night, it was like, okay, let's just, let's just
01:24:33.880
do this. Yeah. Yeah, it gets to, it gets to be, uh, yeah, let's just do this. Yeah,
01:24:40.140
the second time, yeah, you're like, yeah, you, you just start to realize, okay, there's
01:24:44.020
things I can control, things I can't. Let me just do my best. Well, you know, like I
01:24:48.460
said, I just want people to watch it. January 21st. January 21st on Netflix. Sweet and
01:24:52.480
salty. I love it. That's so exciting. Where are you going to watch it? I'll be in New
01:24:59.120
York doing press, uh, so I guess somewhere in New York, and then I leave, like, two
01:25:06.100
days later to film a movie. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm going to Puerto Rico. Oh, wow. I've
01:25:10.700
never filmed there before, but it should be fun. To San Juan, do you know? Uh, San Juan,
01:25:14.560
yeah. It's a, I'm flying to San Juan to shoot for two days on that movie, uh, then flying
01:25:20.120
to Pittsburgh to shoot a day on another movie, flying out on the red eye that night to go back
01:25:25.980
to San Juan, and as soon as I land, I go back to filming. Damn. It's crazy. Uh, but
01:25:31.340
it's good. I mean, I'm always been trying to balance the stand-up acting life. I'm
01:25:36.500
just happy that anybody wants to hire me, so. Yeah. If that's what it takes, I'll do
01:25:41.700
it. Yeah, you've always done what it takes, it sounds like. Yeah. Oh, I mean, I come
01:25:46.340
from, you know, I come from very, uh, nice working folks. My mom was a special ed teacher
01:25:53.860
for 30 years. Oh, wow. My dad was, uh, worked at a trucking company, and then the last 10
01:26:00.240
years, he's basically been a janitor at an elementary school. Oh, wow. Like, in charge,
01:26:05.680
he's a janitor, but also he's in charge of the janitors there. So, I'm very, like, working
01:26:11.220
class. Like, we didn't have much growing up, and you just learn from an early age. You gotta
01:26:17.180
work. Yeah. Nothing's handed to you. And, uh, you know, I started working at the recreation
01:26:22.700
department when I was, like, 15. Did you really? Mm-hmm. Lining softball fields and picking
01:26:27.740
up trash and, uh, work. At the rec department? What was it called? That's right. Belmont
01:26:32.800
Recreation Department. BRD, they called it? Uh-huh. And, uh, and I loved it. And, you know,
01:26:38.200
but we just, I got, when I moved to LA, I had $25 in my pocket. Damn. You just figure it
01:26:43.560
out, you know? Yeah. You're just, like, I have a goal. I want to keep a roof over my head.
01:26:49.140
And, for me, it was never about trying to be famous or anything. I didn't think someone
01:26:53.280
like me could be on TV. I was, like, I just want to pay my bills. And, uh, and, you know,
01:27:00.660
there were times where, before I got, like, uh, Chelsea Lately, I, I, like, had no, I was
01:27:07.620
done with money. I had nothing. Yeah. And I, but I was, and it, like, scared me because
01:27:13.960
I thought, well, I can't, like, call my parents. They can't bail, bail me out of a
01:27:18.460
rent or something. But there was something in me that knew, like, even if you have nothing,
01:27:25.300
I'll go work at a Starbucks. Yeah. I'll go work at a UPS. I don't give a shit. I'll do
01:27:31.060
whatever it takes to pay the bills and I'll figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. There is something
01:27:36.960
nice when you have a family member, you grow up having, like, just an understanding of how
01:27:40.860
to figure things out. Mm-hmm. You know, I feel like that's one thing I learned as I
01:27:43.740
get older. I see sometimes there's people that depend on other people to figure things
01:27:48.240
out for them. Mm-hmm. And there's people that are able to figure things out for themselves,
01:27:51.440
you know? Yeah. And there's, there's really a, it's beautiful, it's a beautiful thing if
01:27:54.620
you've had to figure things out for yourself. Yeah. Because it's such a, I mean, that's the,
01:27:59.180
it's just such a skill, you know? Yeah. It's such a skill that some people don't even
01:28:02.500
realize they don't have. Right. They're like, oh, I need the government to do this or I need,
01:28:06.100
you know, like, it's like, yeah, to have that skill to be able to survive. You got
01:28:10.820
to be able to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, you know? Yeah. Like, I find the
01:28:14.720
people that I know who've been handed things their whole life, they don't know how to function
01:28:18.720
sometimes. Yeah. And you're like, come on, dude, like. Yeah. Tighten up. Yeah. And it's
01:28:24.100
just like, as hard as it was growing up with, like, you know, we had, I'm not saying I had
01:28:30.180
it worse than anybody else. No. But, you know, we. But, yeah. There were times the lights
01:28:34.220
were cut out, the nervous, you know, the pot, the water bill hadn't been paid and you just
01:28:39.500
are like, all right, we, you know, we at a young age would pull our money together and
01:28:44.140
be like, all right, let's pay the water bill. You know, you just figure it out. And so my
01:28:49.140
mom is a teacher. Like, in the summers, she had to go get a job waitressing at, like, a
01:28:55.580
Sizzler type restaurant. Wow. Oh, yeah. I used to like Sizzler. Yeah. It was called Quincy's.
01:28:59.960
Oh, was it really? Yeah. Oh, God. Sounds good. It was, there's no ego in it. Yeah. Like, it
01:29:05.780
was embarrassing for her. She had to wait on, like, friends, family, families and stuff.
01:29:10.500
But there's no ego when it comes to taking care of yourself and your family. Yeah. You
01:29:15.420
just got to do what you got to do. So I think it helped prepare me for LA for this business
01:29:21.620
because, you know, it's like, I'm lucky that I'm working, but I don't know. I don't know
01:29:26.720
what's going to happen. Yeah. You can't. Yeah. You have to. There's no city that'll make
01:29:30.320
you survive. I don't feel like, like here. Yeah. And I was here, you know, uh, eight
01:29:35.660
years before I made a dime at this. So I had to do other jobs, you know, you just figure
01:29:41.480
out other ways to make money. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. So I'm just always like hustling as
01:29:47.320
a result. I never stop. Yeah. Well, and that's a nice thing. Some of that never stops, you
01:29:51.800
know, I think that thing never stops. Like the, the desire to achieve or to figure it out.
01:29:56.660
Yeah. Well, the flip side of it is that you're so consumed with this being secure and making
01:30:03.260
sure you're never in that position again is that you almost work too much where I spread
01:30:08.320
myself pretty thin. Uh, but I'm doing what I love. So at least I got that part, you know,
01:30:13.900
I don't think my dad loved being a janitor, but you got to do what you got to do. So at
01:30:19.620
least I love my job and I get to do really cool things. Yeah. It's true. I love sweeping
01:30:25.280
though. I fucking love sweeping. Yeah. I would have been a good janitor, man. My mommy's
01:30:28.180
put me outside and I would sweep, man. I'd sweep everything. I'd sweep stuff that wasn't
01:30:31.580
ours. I'd sweep the cars. I'd sweep the damn sidewalks. I'd go sweeping halfway down the
01:30:36.720
damn block. Oh my God. I don't have to come get me. She's like, uh-uh. That's not ours.
01:30:40.780
Come back. Yeah. My dad's big, my dad's big thing was, uh, doing floors. He was, he was
01:30:46.900
good at, uh, with that buffer. Yeah. That buffer. He'd strip floors and wax them. And that
01:30:52.500
was his big thing. I used to ride on that buffer. Sometimes they had this, they had
01:30:56.480
this one man, Jerry, that was a janitor and he would let me ride on that fucking buffer
01:30:59.560
for a half a minute. I bet he did. Hey, you want to ride on this buffer? Oh yeah. If
01:31:07.960
you mean the machine, yeah, I'm in. If you're talking about that, you got it. He's like, yeah,
01:31:15.200
sure. That's what I was referring to. One time, these two janitors are walking
01:31:21.680
down the hall. I just told this story yesterday. And, uh, one of them said to
01:31:25.180
the other one, he goes, hey, did you set the chairs up in the gym? Uh, Mr. Ford's
01:31:29.120
going to be speaking in there this afternoon. And the guy goes, President Ford?
01:31:33.100
And the guy goes, fuck no, Mr. Ford, the science teacher. What do you think is President Ford?
01:31:43.500
That's right. Get those good chairs out. It was just so baffling to me. And also beautiful
01:31:50.960
how this man was just working in this school every day and thinking, hey man, the president
01:31:55.000
might show up. That's right. It could happen. It could happen. Got to dream big. Uh, fortune
01:32:00.340
Feimster. Thank you so much. Of course, Theo. For being here. It's always lovely talking
01:32:04.960
to you. It's such a good time. This is one of my favorite, uh, chats that we've had in
01:32:08.260
here. January 21st on Netflix. Sweet and salty. Yeah, sweet and salty. And I'll share it on
01:32:14.000
social media. I'm excited for you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Yeah, you bet. Thanks
01:32:30.340
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it
01:32:37.500
in my bones. But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let
01:32:50.100
myself on wine. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me. And I will
01:33:09.020
find a song. I will sing it just for you. And now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train
01:33:23.140
with a heavy load of my hand. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club,
01:33:32.400
a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories,
01:33:36.920
and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview
01:33:42.460
my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have
01:33:48.840
three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about
01:33:55.320
Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetie. Here's a deal. Anyone who
01:34:03.360
doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean?
01:34:07.740
Oh, hi. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
01:34:11.780
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
01:34:18.560
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is,
01:34:24.740
tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
01:34:30.420
Or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry. My Brad Pitt impression will get better.