This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Fortune Feimster ｜ This Past Weekend #254

00:00:00.920 Today's guest has a new special coming up on Netflix.

00:00:04.780 She is, she's multifaceted and she's a wonderful storyteller.

00:00:13.460 She's very entertaining and I'm happy that she's here with me today.

00:00:19.060 The wonderful Fortune Feimster.

00:00:30.000 I'll sit and tell you a story.

00:00:34.700 Shine that light on me.

00:00:40.320 I'll sit and tell you a story.

00:00:42.760 Amanda Bond's got a face tattoo. Can we bring that up next? 1.00

00:00:48.720 Fortune, thanks for coming in.

00:00:50.200 Hey Theo, thanks for having me.

00:00:51.960 Yeah.

00:00:52.340 Yeah, man.

00:00:53.020 That's cool. Nice to see you.

00:00:54.480 This is really cool.

00:00:54.820 Yeah, it's really sweet of you to come by. I appreciate it.

00:00:58.260 Yeah, can you bring it up next? Sorry.

00:01:00.240 I just want to see this. I just saw this on the news.

00:01:04.080 Oh.

00:01:07.740 Amanda Bond's got that face header right there. 1.00

00:01:10.380 Dang, it's not even a good heart. Is that a heart?

00:01:13.980 It looks a little...

00:01:15.060 It's like somebody got drunk and tried to make a heart, but it's like kind of a lopsided O.

00:01:22.020 It's like a tattoo a buddy of yours would give you like in Syracuse or something at a party.

00:01:25.540 You know, or in like...

00:01:27.260 There's like a Flint, Michigan, basic white person kind of tattoo, I think.

00:01:32.080 She doesn't look anything like she used to look.

00:01:34.860 Uh-uh.

00:01:37.080 She... 1.00

00:01:37.600 It's so common now with face tattoos.

00:01:43.240 It's almost like, you know, I have this idea sometimes that in the future, the layer of...

00:01:48.360 Like this layer of skin will be... 0.98

00:01:50.780 We'll wear like an actual protective layer of skin in the future.

00:01:53.760 Because the sun will just be murdering all of us.

00:01:56.940 Oh, that's a good reason.

00:01:58.320 I don't know.

00:01:58.660 I think my thoughts were just that it'll become like an old idea.

00:02:03.340 Like, oh my God, you wore your natural skin? 1.00

00:02:05.480 What an idiot, you know? 1.00

00:02:07.280 Like, we'll eventually have like a newer layer. 1.00

00:02:09.700 Because it also seemed like people are on the...

00:02:11.260 Like, people are just like face tatting and just totally...

00:02:15.080 Like the old layer, it's like getting all...

00:02:16.860 It's like people are just at the end of the road with the old layer. 0.99

00:02:19.900 Yeah, the dry skin.

00:02:21.460 Yeah.

00:02:22.240 We're going to be one of the last people to like have worn our natural skin.

00:02:25.460 We'll be like snakes, just like...

00:02:27.100 Yeah.

00:02:28.040 Let it all...

00:02:29.160 Shed it all.

00:02:30.860 Like, all right, now for the new one.

00:02:32.500 Yeah, and I think they'll just blow it on almost like with a...

00:02:35.840 Like a pressure wash it on or like a...

00:02:39.180 Maybe a tanning bed if you ever go to like one of the stand-up ones.

00:02:41.940 I haven't been in the stand-up ones.

00:02:43.020 I've never...

00:02:43.620 I've been in a tanning bed once.

00:02:46.620 Yeah.

00:02:47.160 And it's not great.

00:02:48.840 Oh, really?

00:02:50.300 Well, I went in my hometown...

00:02:53.140 No, I bought like a...

00:02:54.220 I've definitely been.

00:02:54.900 So, yeah, no tanning bed shame here.

00:02:56.400 Yeah, no tanning bed shame.

00:02:57.720 But I...

00:02:58.520 This is obviously not a body that tans easily.

00:03:01.360 Really?

00:03:01.560 This is a body that burns.

00:03:03.140 Oh, yeah.

00:03:03.720 And this body has not seen the light of day ever.

00:03:07.560 As much as, you know, I'd love to rock a two-piece.

00:03:11.240 It's not happening.

00:03:12.300 Oh, yeah.

00:03:12.760 I'd see you in a two-piece.

00:03:13.820 Yeah.

00:03:14.400 So, I...

00:03:15.380 In college, I bought like a package of four sessions for a tanning bed or whatever.

00:03:20.480 I went to one and I was like, all right, this is not bad.

00:03:23.520 And the second time I went, I got undressed, which, you know, is a feat.

00:03:28.380 Just getting undressed takes a lot of time.

00:03:30.880 It's pain.

00:03:31.420 You wear a belt or no?

00:03:32.880 Yeah, I wear a belt.

00:03:33.860 Yeah.

00:03:34.240 And I got into the tanning bed and they hadn't turned it on.

00:03:38.140 And I was like, ugh.

00:03:40.440 And I'm all like, hello, hello.

00:03:42.400 No one's like, listen, because it's like part of it's a tanning bed and other parts of the

00:03:46.060 salon.

00:03:46.760 Because you got to...

00:03:47.280 Oh, there's always something else.

00:03:49.060 Tanning bed.

00:03:49.680 Yeah.

00:03:49.860 I used to work at a place called Frozen Options.

00:03:51.600 Yeah.

00:03:51.840 And we had smoothies. 0.99

00:03:53.440 And then a fucking bootleg tanning that people got pink eye from the bed. 1.00

00:03:57.000 No, really? 1.00

00:03:57.700 But anyway.

00:03:58.320 Yeah.

00:03:58.680 Go on.

00:03:59.440 So, like, no one's turning it on and I'm just like sitting there and it's getting cold and 0.99

00:04:02.980 I'm just like, damn. 0.98

00:04:03.940 I got... 0.99

00:04:04.240 So, I got to put my clothes back on.

00:04:06.260 That's another good 10 minutes.

00:04:07.840 Yeah, it's misery.

00:04:08.460 And I'm like peeping my head back and I'm like, hello, like no one's doing anything.

00:04:12.880 So, I just, I had seen her turn it on before.

00:04:16.300 So, I just made, I just turned it on and put, you know, the 10 minutes or whatever.

00:04:20.820 I mean, that was probably a lot of stuff.

00:04:22.140 10 minutes.

00:04:22.580 I think it's 10 minutes is a regular amount.

00:04:23.840 Five, I don't know.

00:04:24.740 10 is a good amount.

00:04:26.180 So, I turn it on and I get in the tanning bed.

00:04:28.400 I do my thing.

00:04:29.100 I get out and they're all like looking at me.

00:04:32.420 Like they had like looked in the, I don't know, a video or something.

00:04:36.220 Like I had tried to get more time.

00:04:37.940 Oh, like you try to sneak a minute?

00:04:39.680 I think that's what I tried to sneak a minute.

00:04:43.060 I'm all like, no, I did the appropriate amount of time that I paid for it.

00:04:47.880 But I could never go back after that because they were giving me such a stink out.

00:04:51.780 Like I had stolen candy or something. 0.99

00:04:54.840 Damn. 1.00

00:04:55.480 Oh, this bitch in here is stealing fucking hot minutes. 1.00

00:04:58.300 She's stealing hot minutes. 1.00

00:05:00.580 I was like, my body can't even take extra hot minutes.

00:05:04.460 I'm telling you, I just, y'all weren't doing your job.

00:05:07.260 Why are you looking at me like that?

00:05:08.920 So, that was my, I got a, I got a tan in bed shamed.

00:05:13.620 Did you feel the, did you feel the tan after?

00:05:16.600 Was it real?

00:05:17.320 Did you get too much?

00:05:18.640 Did you get?

00:05:19.300 Yeah.

00:05:19.600 I mean, I was like red.

00:05:21.620 Yeah.

00:05:21.920 I mean, I was, I mean, I got as tan as my body pigmentation will allow.

00:05:26.980 Your body only goes so tan?

00:05:28.280 Yeah.

00:05:28.480 And then it just turns to freckles.

00:05:30.120 Yeah.

00:05:30.260 So, for me, it's like.

00:05:32.020 Straight to cancer.

00:05:32.920 It goes straight cancer.

00:05:35.200 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:35.620 And if we ever go out to like a beach or something, I'm that asshole with like a towel all over 0.99

00:05:40.360 my body where you can just see like this much of my face. 0.98

00:05:44.180 Because I just, I'm like, no one expects me to be tan.

00:05:48.620 What am I doing?

00:05:51.220 Yeah.

00:05:51.760 We're going straight to cancer. 0.99

00:05:53.520 You're begging kids to bury you in the sand.

00:05:55.580 You're like, yeah, yeah, bury me again.

00:05:57.280 I'm putting everybody's umbrellas over me.

00:05:59.520 I'm like, you don't need that, do you?

00:06:01.140 All right.

00:06:01.620 I got three umbrellas covering me.

00:06:03.520 It's not sexy.

00:06:04.800 Yeah, I think I used to love tan.

00:06:09.620 And my mom used to open the windows in our apartment by the, she would move the dinner

00:06:14.480 table over and open the windows and put a lawn chair right there. 0.86

00:06:17.200 Oh, really?

00:06:17.940 Yeah.

00:06:18.860 And she'd have a little bit of beer and get, catch some sun right there.

00:06:21.680 Yeah.

00:06:22.260 But let me see that tattoo one more time, Nick.

00:06:23.980 Do you mind, brother?

00:06:27.340 I guess she got it, huh?

00:06:29.560 Is it permanent?

00:06:30.400 I mean, it looks like some of my nephew drew on her.

00:06:35.520 Is it a heart?

00:06:36.300 Drew on her.

00:06:36.960 Yeah.

00:06:37.360 It looked like a large sock.

00:06:39.520 I think it's a heart.

00:06:41.740 You remember when she, remember she was a childhood star and then she really, I guess

00:06:46.420 she's, I don't know if she struggled from addiction or she had mental health issues,

00:06:49.760 but she went.

00:06:50.580 Might have been a combo.

00:06:51.720 I don't remember.

00:06:53.120 But I mean, she was known when she was growing up has been very girl next door.

00:06:58.460 You know, she was in all those movies where she played the cutesy, like, you know, nice 1.00

00:07:04.140 girl.

00:07:04.940 And then she, yeah, she went deep. 1.00

00:07:09.040 She was like tweeting about wanting Drake to murder her pussy. 1.00

00:07:14.200 I think that was her words. 1.00

00:07:16.000 Well, first of all, we've got enough black crime in America. 1.00

00:07:18.400 Okay. 0.96

00:07:18.840 I don't think that we need Drake. 1.00

00:07:20.800 And I don't think Drake is the guy who's going to murder the pussy. 1.00

00:07:23.880 No. 1.00

00:07:24.240 Drake seems like the guy that'll maybe like sneak up on the pussy and tickle it. 1.00

00:07:29.300 It might, you know, get a little romantic with it. 1.00

00:07:32.320 But I think that was the cry for help where everyone's like, oh no, she's in trouble.

00:07:38.200 Yeah.

00:07:38.360 Things aren't going well.

00:07:39.200 Things aren't going well.

00:07:39.900 Oh, and then she threw a bong out of a window too, I think. 0.95

00:07:42.140 I remember.

00:07:42.640 Oh, really?

00:07:43.100 Oh, there's the Drake.

00:07:44.260 Right.

00:07:44.560 Didn't he, wasn't that the correct term? 1.00

00:07:47.280 Oh, murder my vagina. 1.00

00:07:48.640 Sorry. 1.00

00:07:49.020 I made it crasser.

00:07:50.480 It's all right.

00:07:52.300 She's still a lady. 0.98

00:07:53.880 She was a lady about it. 1.00

00:07:55.680 She said, murder my vagina. 1.00

00:07:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:58.600 That's pretty gangster, actually.

00:08:01.120 But I think I had read a story about her like a year ago where she had gotten, she'd gone to get some help.

00:08:09.660 I don't know the mental stuff for any sort of addiction.

00:08:12.240 I'm not sure what it was.

00:08:13.160 And she was taking classes at the Fashion Institute.

00:08:16.760 Oh, wow.

00:08:17.220 In downtown.

00:08:17.700 So she was trying to get, you know.

00:08:19.680 Just do something new.

00:08:20.340 Yeah, pull it together.

00:08:21.780 And maybe she felt like she didn't want to be a celebrity. 0.95

00:08:25.140 Oh, yeah.

00:08:25.440 She graduated college from FITM.

00:08:27.160 Yeah.

00:08:27.520 Just in June.

00:08:28.560 FITM.

00:08:29.760 I went to FITM.

00:08:31.140 FITM.

00:08:34.880 You know what's interesting?

00:08:37.560 There was a story.

00:08:39.320 When I was, I was working on a dog show one time or a pet show or something.

00:08:44.100 This was years ago.

00:08:46.580 Like you were on the show?

00:08:48.120 Yeah, I was hosting.

00:08:49.020 Something was about pets or something.

00:08:50.240 Something about animalia, you know?

00:08:52.120 Yeah.

00:08:52.460 And so we went to a dog place where they had, where rich people had their dogs go for the

00:08:58.640 day if they were going to be out of town.

00:09:00.340 Yeah.

00:09:01.020 And it's nice in there. 0.96

00:09:02.120 They got AstroTurf and they got fucking magical, you know. 0.88

00:09:05.340 They got food from like exotic, you know. 0.99

00:09:08.880 Like the dogs were having turkey for lunch.

00:09:10.820 Like they had chefs making the dog's food.

00:09:12.820 Yes.

00:09:12.940 Yeah, it's crazy.

00:09:13.920 Like you'd see a guy in there with a pot and like stirring it.

00:09:16.540 Every dog's getting CBD oil.

00:09:18.220 Yeah.

00:09:19.880 The guy's got a white glove on.

00:09:21.440 Yeah, you would see dogs.

00:09:25.080 Yeah, one dog was getting, one dog was getting a dime and put on one of his incisors in his

00:09:30.920 mouth. 0.99

00:09:31.220 Like it was fucking, and that was Little John's dog actually. 1.00

00:09:33.860 No. 0.99

00:09:35.080 Dude, they said that, they said that Little John's dog had been there for a month and that,

00:09:40.200 and he had gotten the top of the line stuff for it.

00:09:42.460 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:42.620 So all the dogs had to play in one area and then Little John's dog had his own fucking 0.99

00:09:46.180 like little hotel area. 0.99

00:09:47.780 He had a penthouse.

00:09:50.760 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:51.400 He had a penthouse.

00:09:53.260 But at the place.

00:09:54.340 That's right.

00:09:55.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:56.400 Okay.

00:09:58.840 Yeah.

00:10:00.240 Yeah.

00:10:02.680 The, but Amanda Bynes' dog had been there for two months. 0.96

00:10:08.340 Oh, wow.

00:10:08.960 And it was a, like a hot, it would look like a slipper that was alive.

00:10:14.380 You know, one of those kind of dogs.

00:10:15.760 Yeah.

00:10:15.860 You know, like a big slipper.

00:10:17.880 Like a big furry slipper.

00:10:19.420 There's fur everywhere.

00:10:20.080 Okay.

00:10:20.480 Fur, you didn't know where the eyes were. 1.00

00:10:21.780 You didn't know where the ass was. 1.00

00:10:22.900 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:23.420 You'd like, you'd like give it a treat and suddenly you'd put the treat in its butt. 0.99

00:10:27.500 You know, you were like, where's the face on this thing, you know? 0.99

00:10:30.120 Oh my gosh.

00:10:31.060 And, but it loved me, dude. 0.99

00:10:32.660 It was following me around like a fucking hot Ewok, you know? 1.00

00:10:35.520 Oh man. 0.99

00:10:36.040 And, and they're like, hey, we'll give it to you for a thousand bucks.

00:10:39.100 You know, it's been here for so long that we, you know, we can't really board it anymore.

00:10:42.760 We're going to have to give it up.

00:10:45.220 And I had a chance.

00:10:46.100 A thousand bucks is pricey for.

00:10:47.580 That's, at the time it was real pricey for me.

00:10:49.180 Yeah. 0.98

00:10:49.620 You know, now I might go 800 on a fucking Bichon or something, you know? 0.99

00:10:53.240 All right. 0.99

00:10:53.600 But at the time.

00:10:54.620 But that dog didn't sound like a thousand dollar dog.

00:10:56.840 But it loved me though.

00:10:58.320 It kept, it was almost like the parent I never had, like in the distance.

00:11:01.700 It was, every time I turned around, it was like about 30 feet away. 0.99

00:11:04.400 Fucking just like kind of a little. 0.99

00:11:05.560 Giving you a thumbs up. 0.99

00:11:06.660 Yeah.

00:11:06.900 Kind of or something.

00:11:08.020 Yeah. 0.98

00:11:08.240 So it could have been an erection coming out of the fur. 0.96

00:11:10.480 It could have been a thumb. 0.98

00:11:12.060 But yeah.

00:11:12.960 So, and I, and I, and I, and I said no.

00:11:16.320 And I wish I'd have said yes.

00:11:17.540 Really?

00:11:17.720 Because the dog really liked me.

00:11:18.860 Yeah.

00:11:19.580 Do you have a dog now?

00:11:20.640 I don't.

00:11:21.080 And I've never had a dog.

00:11:22.160 Yeah.

00:11:22.440 That was the closest I ever came to having Amanda Bynes' dog.

00:11:25.240 And so, I wonder what ended up happening to that dog.

00:11:28.720 I don't know.

00:11:29.460 Because.

00:11:30.080 See if there's any information about that.

00:11:32.660 We're making Nick work today.

00:11:34.240 Nick, can you call, make some phone calls?

00:11:37.220 Yeah.

00:11:37.500 Can you get its tracking number?

00:11:40.320 I bet I could actually send her a DM and ask her.

00:11:44.180 Like what did, she probably didn't even realize she had a dog. 0.98

00:11:46.740 Yeah.

00:11:46.880 She's like, what?

00:11:48.940 Had a dog?

00:11:49.880 I wonder, reunited with pet dogs, she accidentally drenched with gasoline.

00:11:53.740 I didn't smell any gasoline.

00:11:54.800 I saw, oh wait, was that the same dog?

00:11:56.880 There was a picture of it right there.

00:11:58.700 Let's see if we can.

00:12:01.120 She accidentally, that doesn't look like, that's maybe a different dog. 1.00

00:12:05.940 Unless that was the dog as a puppy.

00:12:10.500 The Hillmont.

00:12:11.880 Does that look like it, Theo?

00:12:13.440 That looks like it if it, that looks like it if it had gone, had like Nicholas's cage's life.

00:12:18.420 Like it looks, it had a lot more hair than that when I met it.

00:12:21.120 Well, it says she tried to set fire to it.

00:12:24.060 What?

00:12:25.220 That's like Adele, kind of.

00:12:26.520 This was 2013 that she was reunited with a pet dog that she almost set fire to.

00:12:33.580 Well, it kind of sounds like a dog that would meet.

00:12:37.860 She's a beautiful young lady.

00:12:39.140 Yeah.

00:12:39.380 I hope she's doing okay.

00:12:41.380 I do too.

00:12:41.780 It'd be cool.

00:12:42.220 Maybe I could reach out and even see if she would come on.

00:12:44.120 That'd be interesting.

00:12:44.660 You should have her on here.

00:12:45.720 It'd be real interesting.

00:12:46.440 Especially if she struggles with addiction.

00:12:47.600 We have a lot of, you know, I struggle with it and a lot of other people do.

00:12:51.120 But I think it could be interesting for her to just share like probably what it's been like.

00:12:55.620 Because that's the scary thing about Hollywood.

00:12:57.080 You only know from like articles.

00:12:58.540 You only know when like people are like, you know, the Britney Spears situation where she's got an umbrella and shaved her head. 0.99

00:13:05.220 You don't know like what.

00:13:06.460 What led up to it.

00:13:07.300 What was the thing.

00:13:08.200 Yeah.

00:13:08.640 Yeah.

00:13:08.800 You never know the truth really.

00:13:10.220 Yeah.

00:13:10.380 Is she kind of crazy? 0.81

00:13:11.360 And I think it would be interesting to talk to her. 0.65

00:13:13.400 I mean, just to find out like, you know, where things started to go off the rails and how she got it back on track, you know?

00:13:21.720 Yeah.

00:13:21.960 Does she blame her?

00:13:22.920 Not blame.

00:13:23.480 But yeah, like I bet it was tough to forgive whatever the things were that were really bugging her, you know?

00:13:29.240 That's why I did not become a child star.

00:13:32.120 Yeah.

00:13:32.840 You would have been a good one, I think.

00:13:35.400 I don't know.

00:13:35.880 Oh my God.

00:13:36.320 You know, you look like you look like.

00:13:37.900 They're going to say, people watching her are like, she looks like the kid from Bad Santa.

00:13:41.720 I get that every time.

00:13:45.880 No, dude.

00:13:47.560 You're way hotter than that guy. 0.76

00:13:49.180 I beat you to the punch. 0.65

00:13:51.320 Nick.

00:13:51.500 There was a video question someone asked, and I had to look at your IMDB, but they were like, in Bad Santa, did you actually cut your thumb when you were making that Santa?

00:14:01.220 People are always like, they're all like, the kid from the Sandlot or the Bad Santa kid?

00:14:07.140 Oh no.

00:14:07.900 That's crazy.

00:14:10.480 I'm not even offended by it anymore.

00:14:12.680 I'm just so used to people asking.

00:14:13.980 I think it's charming.

00:14:15.640 Oh, it is very charming.

00:14:17.080 I think it's charming.

00:14:18.220 People say that I look like, if I were a blue button up, they say I look like, who's that woman who was in Sleepless in Seattle?

00:14:25.600 Oh, Rosie O'Donnell? 0.98

00:14:27.760 Meg Ryan.

00:14:29.540 Meg Ryan.

00:14:30.160 Meg Ryan?

00:14:30.840 Yeah.

00:14:31.320 I'll get a Meg Ryan if I.

00:14:33.120 See, look at that.

00:14:34.140 I can see it a little.

00:14:36.180 Well, when I was 10.

00:14:37.920 Now, you have a cuter nose in that guy. 1.00

00:14:40.100 And he.

00:14:40.280 I got these chubby cheeks.

00:14:41.660 It's just the hair, I think.

00:14:43.760 And the eyes, maybe a little.

00:14:45.240 And we're just adorable.

00:14:47.280 I mean, both of y'all would be.

00:14:48.340 I mean, yeah, you guys.

00:14:49.780 I tried out for, when I was like 10, they had an open casting call.

00:14:55.000 And I'm from North Carolina.

00:14:56.060 And it was in Charlotte.

00:14:56.860 Do you remember that show, Wild and Crazy Kids?

00:14:59.980 It was like a bunch of kids doing like.

00:15:02.220 Was it the ones with the pyramid?

00:15:03.620 They were looking for the pyramid, trying to win a contest?

00:15:06.080 It was like a field day almost.

00:15:08.500 Like kids competing in different activities.

00:15:11.920 That, yeah.

00:15:12.960 And you went out for it?

00:15:14.360 Yeah.

00:15:14.900 I went out for the open casting call at the mall.

00:15:18.600 And, you know, I had like jelly stains on my shirt from McDonald's breakfast.

00:15:25.800 Oh, hell yeah.

00:15:26.440 Dude, when I was young, I used to sneak a couple of those packets. 0.99

00:15:29.360 And I would slick my fucking hair back with them sometimes. 0.99

00:15:31.660 Yeah. 0.99

00:15:32.580 Because I thought chicks would dig it, dude. 1.00

00:15:34.600 Because everybody loves jelly.

00:15:35.960 That was my concept, you know. 1.00

00:15:37.440 That fucking jelly sideburn, bro. 1.00

00:15:39.220 Gotta get it. 1.00

00:15:40.000 It's free, too. 1.00

00:15:40.800 Fucking strawberry that bitch up. 1.00

00:15:42.020 And that stuff held your hair so good, dude. 1.00

00:15:44.380 So many preservatives.

00:15:45.940 It's just like.

00:15:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:48.560 Yeah.

00:15:49.160 So the guy, like, you know, they have a producer, like, asking all the kids questions.

00:15:53.180 Oh, yeah.

00:15:53.480 And I'm just like, oh, so fat. 1.00

00:15:55.800 And just like, such a slob. 1.00

00:15:58.460 You were slovenly as well? 0.99

00:15:59.820 Yeah, back then. 0.99

00:16:00.700 Because, you know, you're just like a little awkward fat kid. 0.99

00:16:03.540 Yeah. 0.99

00:16:03.680 You don't really know any better.

00:16:05.120 And he just like looked at me and just like, no.

00:16:11.760 He wrote no on your head?

00:16:13.600 No.

00:16:14.840 So that was my first Hollywood rejection.

00:16:18.820 Was there anything else you tried out for?

00:16:22.020 Oh, God.

00:16:22.620 What was so funny?

00:16:23.280 You know, it was funny.

00:16:24.240 I watched you on.

00:16:26.280 On Road Rules.

00:16:26.820 Road Rules.

00:16:27.360 Yeah.

00:16:27.560 Did you try out for real world ever?

00:16:29.160 I did.

00:16:29.900 I sort of did.

00:16:31.460 I was in college because I think we're around the same age.

00:16:34.300 And they had another open casting thing in Raleigh where I was going to school.

00:16:39.080 And I was working at a radio station.

00:16:40.660 And they gave us like passes to go to the front of the line or whatever.

00:16:44.660 Oh, yeah.

00:16:45.100 I could imagine that.

00:16:46.120 And so people have been waiting like, you know, all night to meet everybody.

00:16:51.080 They're bonded.

00:16:52.140 And I come in all like, you know, my Starbucks.

00:16:55.120 Like, what's up, everybody?

00:16:57.120 What's up, Bad Santa?

00:16:58.840 You don't even know me yet.

00:17:01.040 I'm about to be a star.

00:17:03.000 And they like hate my guts.

00:17:04.840 Oh, yeah. 0.77

00:17:05.480 The line hates you.

00:17:06.520 The line hates me.

00:17:07.740 And the line for those things is always like the most obtuse people.

00:17:11.720 It's like people really trying.

00:17:14.120 It's a lot of this.

00:17:15.080 There's always a lot of like, I don't know, maybe desperation, I feel like.

00:17:19.300 I don't know.

00:17:19.620 Everyone's like over the top.

00:17:20.780 It's like big personalities.

00:17:22.820 Like, I got to make them see me.

00:17:25.760 Right.

00:17:25.860 At the front of the line.

00:17:27.020 Yeah.

00:17:27.240 A lot of times, that's what's there.

00:17:28.580 Yeah.

00:17:28.840 Very aggressive.

00:17:31.360 Yeah.

00:17:31.600 And where you're like, whoa.

00:17:33.540 Whoa.

00:17:33.960 And I just, you know, they pull us all in in groups.

00:17:38.100 Yeah.

00:17:38.700 Oh, yeah.

00:17:39.160 I remember this.

00:17:39.900 Yeah.

00:17:40.280 Did you see a tape or something?

00:17:42.460 I'll tell you.

00:17:42.940 No, I'll tell you.

00:17:43.640 I never really talked about it, but I'll talk about it.

00:17:45.640 Okay.

00:17:46.260 But, yeah, I want to hear more about your experience.

00:17:48.340 You go in.

00:17:49.040 Is that a bar?

00:17:49.680 Where is it?

00:17:50.100 It was like, yeah, like a big bar.

00:17:52.020 And they put us in groups in a big table.

00:17:54.980 And, you know, of course, they're asking questions like, where's the craziest place you've had? 0.96

00:17:59.660 This is sex. 0.58

00:18:00.120 And I'm like, I want to say like 19, 20. 0.67

00:18:03.120 And I'm just like, oh, you know, I don't even know I'm gay at that point.

00:18:07.160 Oh, wow.

00:18:07.600 I was in the closet.

00:18:09.020 And so they were asking all these questions. 0.99

00:18:11.100 Everyone's like, you know, well, I fucked once on a washing machine. 0.96

00:18:15.520 And everyone's like trying to outdo each other. 0.99

00:18:17.680 And I'm just like, in my head, like. 1.00

00:18:19.540 Someone's like, I fucked on the back of a senior citizen. 0.99

00:18:22.360 And you're like, that's a lot. 0.99

00:18:24.440 And I'm just like, well, I can't wait for this group part to be over.

00:18:27.620 So I get my one-on-one interview.

00:18:30.040 And I didn't say one word.

00:18:31.960 I didn't answer one question.

00:18:33.600 Because it was all so crazy.

00:18:35.220 Yeah, it's people desperately like, yeah, I'm dead.

00:18:38.200 Yeah.

00:18:38.340 And you're like, well, you're not dead, dude.

00:18:39.660 I'm a ghost.

00:18:41.640 And I had no good stories.

00:18:43.320 Because I was a nerdy-ass 20-year-old who hadn't really lived life.

00:18:47.620 Right.

00:18:48.120 And they go, all right, thank you to all of us.

00:18:51.740 And I'm like, what?

00:18:53.980 That was it.

00:18:55.140 That was it.

00:18:55.500 So I technically auditioned, but I didn't answer one question.

00:19:01.260 But dude, what a card to play, though, the silent card.

00:19:04.520 Yeah, they're like, we want her on TV.

00:19:06.580 She has nothing to say.

00:19:08.320 And did you still leave, though, thinking, hey, they might reach out to me?

00:19:11.460 Yeah, I'm like, well, they got my contact information.

00:19:14.420 I have my email address and mine.

00:19:16.920 Because, you know, we didn't really have cell phones at that point.

00:19:20.680 And they're like, find me on my Hotmail.

00:19:22.440 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:24.800 Hit up my Hotmail.

00:19:26.980 DulceGrande at Hotmail.com.

00:19:28.360 That was my Hotmail address, big sweetie.

00:19:30.340 Oh, really?

00:19:32.060 But that was like, I laughed so hard later. 1.00

00:19:35.120 Like, knowing what I know now, I'm like, what a dumbass. 1.00

00:19:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:38.440 But, I mean, it all worked out, you know.

00:19:40.040 It was not meant to be for me.

00:19:42.040 Yeah, it wasn't to be for you.

00:19:43.100 Isn't that interesting to know how, like, it's like sometimes you'll want something.

00:19:46.280 You'll think, oh, this is what I want.

00:19:47.780 And then later you'll realize, oh, I'm so grateful that didn't work out.

00:19:51.520 That didn't happen that way because there was this other plan going on for me that was supposed to fit really well.

00:19:56.840 Well, it would have been hard for someone like me who, you know, didn't know.

00:20:01.380 Oh, that would have been tough.

00:20:01.960 I didn't know so much about myself yet.

00:20:03.720 I mean, I moved to L.A. and still didn't know I was gay.

00:20:07.020 Like, I was just a little bit of a late bloomer in that way because I grew up, you know, in the South and North Carolina where I just didn't know. 1.00

00:20:14.560 I didn't have those examples so that I would have been like, everybody else would have been like, this girl's dumb as shit. 1.00

00:20:21.020 Right. 1.00

00:20:21.240 Like, we all know, you know, so it wouldn't have been probably a good experience.

00:20:25.320 Oh, it would have been, yeah, you might have been forced to have to, like, really figure it out before you were ready to figure it out.

00:20:31.020 Yeah, or I'd have been that person that's like, he's cute.

00:20:33.840 Yeah.

00:20:34.160 Where everybody else is like, mm.

00:20:35.720 Yeah, you're banging dudes, but you're the one, you're behind the dude, and it's like, whoa, this is interesting.

00:20:42.380 Stay still.

00:20:45.800 You're moving too much.

00:20:48.740 So, I want to, yeah, I want to hear your, how it happened for you, how you ended up being on that show. 0.95

00:20:53.720 Yeah, I'll tell you, so before, I'll just, you made me think, so if you, so I've never asked a gay person, because you, you're 100% gay. 0.98

00:21:03.300 100%. 0.92

00:21:03.700 Okay.

00:21:03.980 Okay, so.

00:21:05.600 I appreciate you assuming I could have some bisexual in me.

00:21:08.160 Oh, yeah, look, yeah.

00:21:09.100 Listen, I'm flattered.

00:21:10.940 Oh, yeah, dude. 1.00

00:21:12.140 Bro, I'd watch you fuck one of these fucking whack-ass dudes running around. 1.00

00:21:16.340 Somebody, somebody on this. 1.00

00:21:17.840 Oh, I'd pay $200 to see you bang out Tony Hinchcliffe over there, dude. 1.00

00:21:22.100 To fucking put it on his little ass, bro. 1.00

00:21:24.740 She might kill Tony. 1.00

00:21:25.980 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:26.720 I would be the one to kill Tony. 1.00

00:21:29.420 Dude, you know what's crazy is one day someone's going to walk up and actually kill him. 1.00

00:21:33.540 Oh, God. 1.00

00:21:34.500 And it's going to be the greatest, saddest, most amazing fucking documentary ever. 0.99

00:21:42.360 Dude, so if, do you know, like, because like, I just wonder sometimes, like, if you look, when you're thinking back in your life now, so now you're comfortable being gay, you know, there's no questions inside of you or anything like that. 0.97

00:21:55.860 Like, do you, can you look back to like a seed where it's like you kind of can, where it makes more sense?

00:22:03.160 Oh, yeah.

00:22:03.900 I mean, once you know, once that like cloud is kind of lifted, you look back to your whole life and you're like, oh, my God, there, there, like so many, so many things.

00:22:16.100 Like, but, and, and now with everything being like so gay, like people talk about gay stuff all the time.

00:22:23.560 Yeah.

00:22:24.320 YouTube, you know, everyone's out.

00:22:26.260 Everybody's gay.

00:22:26.860 People aren't even gay or gay.

00:22:27.960 Yeah, and like being gay to some people is like, cool, and you're just like, like, you don't even know if they're genuinely gay.

00:22:35.720 They're just like, well, gay's fun. 0.91

00:22:38.480 I want to be on RuPaul. 0.92

00:22:42.660 Yeah, I want to open a bakery so I'm going to come out of the closet.

00:22:45.400 You're like, that has nothing to do.

00:22:46.660 Or I'm going to have a fashion line so I have to be gay.

00:22:48.720 Yeah, so it's just, I think too, part of it is that people aren't like conforming to labels now.

00:22:56.600 Everyone's kind of doing their thing.

00:22:59.760 And, you know, yeah, I can look back and just be like, oh, my God, like this is so obvious from like early on.

00:23:06.760 You know, you just don't know it because, you know, anyone you kind of, any dude I assume might be gay, like in my hometown, would be like, hey, girl, this is my wife, Pam.

00:23:18.720 Oh, yeah, you always see that too, bro.

00:23:20.620 Yeah, and then she'd try to hold his hand and he'd be like, oh, gross, no, like reprimand.

00:23:26.600 And then she'd be like, oh, gross, no, like reprimanding her. 0.70

00:23:27.560 And so I just didn't know, you know, I was like, I didn't see any out gay person. 0.76

00:23:33.680 I'm from a small town.

00:23:34.840 Especially women, probably. 1.00

00:23:36.000 Yeah, I mean, both men and women.

00:23:37.800 I mean, you know, any. 0.65

00:23:38.920 They always had a secret dude that worked at the bank that was gay, you know.

00:23:41.880 Yeah, and there was like any woman who I thought might be gay was like a librarian. 1.00

00:23:47.000 Yeah.

00:23:47.400 Who like loved mowing grass.

00:23:49.620 Yeah.

00:23:49.860 And you're just like, man, she's doing a lot of yard work.

00:23:54.740 And.

00:23:55.240 Like that perfume, she's like, that's gasoline. 0.98

00:23:57.940 Spilled some on my legs.

00:23:59.640 Yeah, so it was just, you know, it was a different time. 0.98

00:24:02.200 And so you didn't, you knew what gay was, but you didn't think it could apply to you in any way.

00:24:06.740 Right.

00:24:06.980 Because you're like, well, no one else I know is, so I must not be that thing.

00:24:10.340 It's so interesting, because I, yeah, I just sometimes wonder, like, what is that feel, like, what is the, like, does it, yeah, like, how does it start to, like, feel inside of you where you.

00:24:22.320 It gets to, for me, it got to the point where you just couldn't deny it anymore.

00:24:26.480 Oh, wow.

00:24:27.040 So there's just so much evidence.

00:24:28.620 Yeah.

00:24:28.940 And it was, like, I had moved out to L.A., and moving to L.A. was a big thing for me, because then I was seeing gay people everywhere, and no one even batted an eye. 0.81

00:24:38.860 Yeah.

00:24:38.960 You're just like, oh. 1.00

00:24:40.000 It's like, I mean, for me, I felt, like, so stupid. 0.99

00:24:42.960 I was like, look at those people holding hands. 0.99

00:24:44.540 Like, it was like, I'm like, what am I, like, born in a barn? 0.99

00:24:47.700 It really felt like I was an idiot, or it was like, whoa. 0.99

00:24:51.800 And then, like, you start to, like, the L word came out. 0.99

00:24:57.500 Like, you start seeing, like, you're, like, two chicks, hot chicks kissing, and you're like, wow, I'm feeling things.

00:25:05.400 Okay.

00:25:05.940 And then it just sort of bubbles up to the point where you're just like, ah.

00:25:09.580 Yeah.

00:25:09.940 I'm gay.

00:25:10.640 Yeah, where you're just like, I'm gay.

00:25:12.220 Yeah.

00:25:12.820 Yeah, some dude came out of the closet at one of my shows one time.

00:25:15.260 Uh-uh, really?

00:25:15.720 Yeah, he was, I swear to God, he was laughing so hard, he's like, ah, I'm gay. 1.00

00:25:19.740 Fucking just hit him. 1.00

00:25:20.960 What? 1.00

00:25:21.540 Yeah. 1.00

00:25:22.100 And his buddies are like, what the fuck, Patrick? 1.00

00:25:25.060 Holy cow. 1.00

00:25:25.640 Have another beer, dude.

00:25:26.840 Calm down. 1.00

00:25:27.680 I'm fucking gay. 1.00

00:25:28.620 Yeah, bro. 1.00

00:25:29.340 He's all like.

00:25:30.280 What?

00:25:30.820 Sorry. 1.00

00:25:33.140 Dude, that's so, does it, so if you're, does it feel like, do you, does it feel like if you, does it feel like you get, like, an erection in your vagina if you're a gay woman? 1.00

00:25:44.220 No. 0.99

00:25:44.620 So, I mean, when I was watching the L Word early on, yeah, you're kind of just like, you're, you're, more tingles, I think, than anything.

00:25:53.380 Yeah.

00:25:53.600 You know, we don't get the, the boners to, to tell us, like, that we're excited.

00:25:59.140 Right.

00:25:59.380 It's more like the butterflies and the tingles where you're just like.

00:26:01.860 So when that starts to happen, could you think back to other times when you're learning, like, oh my God, I got that feeling some, but I had no idea what was going on, like.

00:26:09.080 Yeah.

00:26:09.500 Well, I was very intense about certain friends growing up.

00:26:13.640 You know, like, if I, I, I joked, one of my very first jokes was, like, I talked about how I would get so upset if my friend Michelle would go out on a date with a guy, and my mom would be like, I don't understand.

00:26:27.720 And I'm like, she's my best friend!

00:26:30.800 It's like, so intense, you know, you just, ah, ah!

00:26:37.660 She's on a date! 1.00

00:26:38.880 My head's exploding!

00:26:40.320 You're in a car with binoculars in the distance. 1.00

00:26:42.560 Fucking going on her email. 1.00

00:26:44.460 I mean, it was like. 0.99

00:26:45.780 Hope you're enjoying the date!

00:26:49.100 You just get so, like, angsty, you know, because there's all this stuff inside and you don't know what it is. 0.97

00:26:56.700 And it used to baffle the shit out of my mom. 1.00

00:26:59.840 She was just like, I don't, like, who cares? 0.99

00:27:02.660 Like, she's on a date.

00:27:03.940 I'm like, yeah, but like, we weren't supposed to go to Chili's together.

00:27:08.260 You know? 1.00

00:27:10.160 And it's more of that shit. 1.00

00:27:11.680 Yeah, just that, like, ugh, that, like, teenage, like, blah, blah, blah, that, like, goes on for longer than it should. 1.00

00:27:17.800 And yeah, you're just the direction.

00:27:19.300 You're like, yeah, it must seem so bizarre.

00:27:20.960 That's so wild.

00:27:22.000 Yeah.

00:27:22.500 Because I would have, like, sort of these, like, intense friendships where it almost felt like you were dating at times.

00:27:29.300 Like, writing each other notes.

00:27:31.020 Oh, yeah.

00:27:31.360 And putting it on your car.

00:27:32.240 Stuff you would do with, like, a boyfriend.

00:27:34.280 Yeah.

00:27:34.540 I was doing that with certain friends.

00:27:37.160 And so you get just so emotionally invested in that person that when their straightness continues and a guy comes into the picture, you're just like.

00:27:48.920 It's almost like, yeah, you're malfunctioning.

00:27:51.400 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:51.780 Yeah, you're like an R2-D2 and he fucking just. 0.99

00:27:54.080 Because you've created a non-reality. 0.99

00:27:57.260 Right.

00:27:57.640 And then reality comes and bursts that bubble.

00:28:01.320 It must be a little hard, even though it must have been oddly heartbreaking almost in some ways.

00:28:06.100 Even though you didn't know maybe exactly what was going on.

00:28:08.860 Man, that would just feel so heartbreaking, I feel like.

00:28:11.340 I mean, I think, you know, when I talk to other gay people who have those experiences, I think where the heartbreak comes in is that you're getting told no.

00:28:21.860 Like, even if it's not a verbal no, from early on, because there's, like, something between a closeted gay person. 0.77

00:28:30.900 Like, if you and I had met in high school, like, we'd be buddies right away.

00:28:34.920 We'd be high-fiving.

00:28:36.160 I never had sexual chemistry with a dude.

00:28:39.020 It was always, like, we're homies.

00:28:41.720 And so, even if I do find men attractive, so even if I would find a guy attractive, it would never be reciprocated because my body, who I am, is putting out something I can't control.

00:28:57.760 Oh, interesting.

00:28:58.740 Yeah, totally.

00:28:59.560 And so, you're just getting rejected from the beginning.

00:29:04.980 Right.

00:29:05.280 And so, that definitely affects, I think, a lot of gay people.

00:29:09.980 And some people work their way through that, where they're, like, they build up their self-esteem in other ways.

00:29:17.260 Right.

00:29:17.520 Some people start drinking a lot when they get to, like, college and stuff to sort of mask that pain of rejection.

00:29:24.520 Everybody deals with it in different ways, but.

00:29:27.640 Yeah, it's, I can, I never really thought about that.

00:29:30.100 There must be this rejection from, like, the way that society's kind of built.

00:29:34.700 Yeah.

00:29:34.840 And just.

00:29:35.980 At least back then, I think it's a lot better.

00:29:37.180 Especially in younger people, too, because younger people don't even know what they're doing.

00:29:40.120 Yeah.

00:29:41.100 And, you know, yeah, it was just like, I went to prom and stuff, but usually I ask the dude.

00:29:45.740 Yeah.

00:29:46.280 Hey, what's up, Mark?

00:29:47.840 You want to go to prom?

00:29:49.180 He's like, don't pat me on the back so hard.

00:29:51.760 Not pat me on the back so hard.

00:29:53.640 So, yeah, I just didn't have that typical, normal dating.

00:29:58.020 I never had a boyfriend.

00:29:59.440 Yeah.

00:29:59.740 You know, I went on a couple dates, but.

00:30:01.900 Oh.

00:30:02.700 Yeah, you just kind of, like, dating sort of became, like, a non-thing.

00:30:08.620 Right.

00:30:08.820 So I became sort of the overachiever, like, oh, I'm going to be in all the clubs, and I'm

00:30:14.180 going to be president of the student government, and I'm going to make A's.

00:30:18.520 Right, I'm going to find other ways to, just to express myself.

00:30:21.140 Yeah, that and to get validated.

00:30:22.700 Oh, yeah.

00:30:23.740 I had to find validation elsewhere, because I wasn't the girl getting flowers on Valentine's

00:30:30.800 Day.

00:30:31.400 Yeah.

00:30:31.960 I'd be like, Sheila, you're going to finish those cupcakes.

00:30:36.660 So, yeah.

00:30:37.780 Somebody buys you a rake.

00:30:39.380 You're like, whoa, whoa, that's a unique gift.

00:30:42.360 Yeah, I was, like, getting flowers from my brother.

00:30:45.000 Aw.

00:30:45.500 These are from my brother.

00:30:47.160 It's wild, because you really, like, you also have this whole vibe of, like, a real

00:30:52.440 beautiful woman, I feel like.

00:30:53.840 Aw, thank you.

00:30:54.580 Yeah.

00:30:55.080 Like, you really, I don't know.

00:30:58.620 I don't know why I said that even, but I just, yeah, I don't know.

00:31:02.060 I just felt that, but.

00:31:04.280 Well, that was very sweet.

00:31:06.120 Thank you.

00:31:07.400 I don't know.

00:31:08.000 Well, I think, I think where I was able to sort of find connections with people, it

00:31:14.980 was more of just, like, being friends with people and being genuinely interested in them.

00:31:20.280 Yeah.

00:31:20.920 And having good conversations.

00:31:22.600 And I had a lot of friends, you know, and then I was, sort of became the class clown

00:31:29.240 that sort of made people laugh and stuff.

00:31:31.280 So, I did find laughter early on was sort of that bridge that gapped that disconnect

00:31:39.000 with people.

00:31:40.040 Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:31:41.860 Yeah, I can, oh, I can totally relate to that.

00:31:44.000 Yeah.

00:31:44.640 So, then all of a sudden, people are looking at you with a different set of eyes, you know?

00:31:50.360 They're not looking at you as, like, oh, there's that, you know, chubby girl that's

00:31:54.080 awkward.

00:31:55.280 They're looking at, like, oh, she's funny.

00:31:56.700 She's funny.

00:31:57.100 She's cool.

00:31:57.660 There's some, yeah.

00:31:58.440 Yeah, you create something about you.

00:32:01.440 And almost kind of what a neat, so much of our, like, who we are and our validation

00:32:07.040 becomes based on that, like, response we get from the opposite sex.

00:32:15.120 Right, right, yeah.

00:32:16.080 Or, you know, when we're growing up.

00:32:18.480 Yeah.

00:32:18.660 So, it's almost kind of neat that if you were able to, like, kind of take that out of your

00:32:22.880 picture, even though it probably affected you some, I'm sure, to take that out of your

00:32:26.440 picture and find other ways, and just be able to build friendships with people and not

00:32:29.620 have that element be part of it.

00:32:31.380 Yeah.

00:32:31.800 It's almost kind of a weird blessing, it seems like.

00:32:35.020 Yeah, because, I mean, I did see early on, like, people get really wrapped up with men,

00:32:40.900 relationships.

00:32:41.680 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:32:42.520 People are pregnant and shit. 1.00

00:32:43.780 Like, even my mom, you know, after my folks got divorced, she was so hurt by that and that 0.99

00:32:51.820 rejection from my dad that she spent that next, like, 10 years just, all that mattered

00:33:00.860 was finding that man who loved her.

00:33:04.280 And I would see her just get crushed, you know, like, because she put everything into

00:33:08.360 that dude, to the point where she was neglecting stuff at home.

00:33:12.800 Yeah, the rest of her life, her finding other joy, yeah.

00:33:14.980 Yeah, and so, all of her validation was completely there.

00:33:18.760 And then when that thing didn't work out, she just was on the floor.

00:33:23.040 And that definitely had an effect on me, where I was just like, man, I can't do that.

00:33:27.940 I can't be like that.

00:33:28.760 So, there was, like, a happy medium, you know?

00:33:31.100 Yeah.

00:33:32.180 So, yeah, in a weird way, it allowed me to stay focused, I guess, and put more value

00:33:38.160 in friendships.

00:33:39.420 And create a new way to breach, just to a new, it's almost like you didn't get stuck

00:33:46.860 into this same path, because so many people, it's like you get into there and everything's 0.85

00:33:52.300 based on it, fucking, you know, Larry looked for every, it's like, does Larry look at me 0.97

00:33:56.780 after science, you know? 0.99

00:33:58.200 Yeah, and I've seen people make career decisions that have changed the course of their life

00:34:03.580 for a person, you know, for love that didn't work out.

00:34:07.240 Sometimes it did.

00:34:08.720 And so, you just wanted to find, like, you wanted to make those decisions when it was

00:34:13.420 the right person in the right time.

00:34:15.700 Right.

00:34:16.040 So, I was glad I at least didn't spend my high school, college, early 20s, where that was

00:34:22.600 dictating all my decisions and thoughts.

00:34:25.240 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:34:26.200 That dictated all my shit, dude. 1.00

00:34:27.800 It was a fucking nightmare, dude. 1.00

00:34:29.880 Driving across town just to masturbate. 1.00

00:34:31.660 I remember biking across town to find some titty magazines and stuff. 0.99

00:34:34.960 Just to masturbate? 0.99

00:34:35.780 It was so lonely. 0.99

00:34:37.120 I used to bike five miles to masturbate, dude, on the weekend. 0.87

00:34:40.220 It was like the biggest thing I looked forward to. 0.60

00:34:42.480 Well, back then, you couldn't, you know, porn wasn't as accessible.

00:34:47.380 Oh, no.

00:34:47.820 You had to bike to get it. 0.52

00:34:48.760 Yeah, now these lazy people.

00:34:51.060 Yeah, no one's getting their steps in.

00:34:52.740 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:53.920 Oh, if I'd have had a Fitbit on? 1.00

00:34:56.300 Bro, I was the healthiest fucking masturbator in time. 0.99

00:34:58.740 My arms are strong. 1.00

00:35:00.160 It's sore my legs. 0.98

00:35:01.180 I'm so strong from biking and masturbating. 0.99

00:35:07.960 But now you date a lot of hot women. 1.00

00:35:09.760 You're basically like the David Spade of a lesbian community, I feel like. 0.99

00:35:12.960 You get a lot of hot chicks. 1.00

00:35:15.660 I've dated some very, very attractive women. 1.00

00:35:18.160 Now I'm engaged.

00:35:19.060 Now you're engaged, yes.

00:35:19.660 Now I'm spoken for, but.

00:35:23.140 We have a question that came in about that, actually.

00:35:24.700 Let's get to it real quick.

00:35:27.000 Have you set a date for your wedding yet?

00:35:31.440 She's just a matter of fact.

00:35:32.980 That's the question.

00:35:33.600 She's very short and sweet. 1.00

00:35:34.680 Have you set a date for your wedding yet?

00:35:38.660 Maybe her husband may only be allowing her a certain amount of words.

00:35:42.340 Woman, you've got one question.

00:35:45.140 Make it short.

00:35:46.300 You've got nine words, Rhonda.

00:35:48.080 Rhonda, keep it short and sweet. 1.00

00:35:49.660 We have not set a date for our wedding yet.

00:35:53.840 We got engaged like two years ago.

00:35:55.840 So y'all starting to twiddle your thumbs over here.

00:35:58.720 What's going on?

00:35:59.940 I'm not even the bride. 1.00

00:36:01.220 And I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:36:03.220 What's happening? 0.99

00:36:04.980 No, I mean, well, she moved out here.

00:36:07.820 We've been together four and a half years.

00:36:09.920 The first year was long distance.

00:36:12.260 And then I wanted us to at least live together a year to see if we still liked each other.

00:36:16.340 Oh, that's a good idea.

00:36:17.460 So once we hit the year mark, she made so many sacrifices.

00:36:22.100 She moved from Chicago.

00:36:23.900 She was a kindergarten teacher, left a job she really loved.

00:36:26.640 And she was working in the inner city, Chicago.

00:36:30.860 And just that was her passion.

00:36:32.980 And so she gave up all these things for me.

00:36:35.020 So I felt like I needed to show her earlier.

00:36:38.200 Because I probably would have maybe waited like another year to get engaged.

00:36:42.080 But I wanted to show her I was serious about us and appreciated the sacrifices she made.

00:36:47.440 So I proposed to her.

00:36:49.240 But neither of us had the intention of getting married right away or to be in any hurry.

00:36:55.000 We are going to get married sometime this year.

00:36:58.240 It's 2020.

00:36:58.800 We just got to plan it.

00:36:59.640 Yeah, 2020.

00:37:00.820 Because you have about eight hours left. 1.00

00:37:05.240 Shit. 1.00

00:37:05.640 Yeah, it's just I think normally when people get engaged, there's like usually it's the bride. 1.00

00:37:13.360 Whoever the we're both brides. 1.00

00:37:15.160 But technically, but that bride's usually like very much like, all right, I've been dreaming about this my whole life.

00:37:23.560 Right.

00:37:24.120 Here's the thousand things I want to do.

00:37:26.520 Well, she and I never dreamt of getting married.

00:37:30.540 Because, you know, we just, again, that wasn't my fantasy.

00:37:34.740 I didn't think that was ever going to happen for me.

00:37:37.140 Even if you think about the wedding cake, it's just one woman standing up there by herself. 1.00

00:37:40.080 Yeah.

00:37:40.800 So we don't have all these things we've always wanted to do.

00:37:46.480 So for us, we're just like, and we've lived together now for, you know, over three years.

00:37:51.720 And it feels like we're married.

00:37:53.560 We will get married, but it's just one of us has to freaking plan something.

00:37:58.900 Right.

00:37:59.060 So I think I just got to find like a wedding planner.

00:38:01.700 Yeah.

00:38:02.420 Or get one of those planner books.

00:38:03.900 They have books that say planner on them.

00:38:05.660 Get that.

00:38:06.060 There you go.

00:38:06.860 You know, but yeah, you can get somebody to do it.

00:38:08.380 Go to Pinterest.

00:38:09.640 Yeah.

00:38:10.240 We just kind of want to have a party.

00:38:11.920 I think we'll probably get married at the courthouse or something.

00:38:14.280 Yeah, I like that.

00:38:15.620 Western kind of.

00:38:16.380 She doesn't like a lot of people.

00:38:17.820 Like, she doesn't like to be the center of attention.

00:38:19.600 She's very like, she does not want to say vows in front of people.

00:38:25.220 She doesn't want to be walking down an aisle.

00:38:27.300 She just is like, so it's kind of funny.

00:38:30.460 So I'm like, well, we got to have a party.

00:38:32.380 And why else get married?

00:38:33.860 Yeah.

00:38:34.120 You got to have, yeah, you got to have some, yeah, a nice celebration.

00:38:36.700 It's almost like when, like people don't ever celebrate their birthday or something.

00:38:39.740 You got to celebrate it.

00:38:40.900 Well, you just, I just want, it's a, there she is.

00:38:43.700 Oh yeah.

00:38:44.180 I've met her before.

00:38:44.980 I met her.

00:38:45.520 Yeah.

00:38:45.840 I'm trying to think of where we ran into each other.

00:38:48.180 I feel like at a strange place.

00:38:49.240 I don't remember where it was.

00:38:49.940 I don't remember.

00:38:51.060 She's awesome. 0.83

00:38:51.840 She's, she's beautiful and so smart and, and lovely. 0.65

00:38:55.640 And she comes on the road with me a lot.

00:38:58.420 But she's, she's kind of joined the circus that is being a standup comedian's partner,

00:39:04.060 you know?

00:39:04.460 Oh yeah, I bet.

00:39:05.500 It's tough.

00:39:06.380 It's a different world.

00:39:07.700 And LA's, you know, Chicago is an awesome city.

00:39:11.220 Yeah, Chicago is fun.

00:39:12.180 And LA, if you're not in the business, you're kind of like, what is this place?

00:39:17.120 Yeah.

00:39:17.560 So it's been an adjustment for her, but I think she's, it's finally starting to feel like home.

00:39:22.140 So now we're in a good place with LA and making friends and that it feels like a good time

00:39:28.280 to get married.

00:39:29.760 That's cool.

00:39:30.580 If you want to plan it, bud.

00:39:32.660 Yeah, we could do a little something.

00:39:34.940 Oh my God.

00:39:35.940 Get some shrimp. 1.00

00:39:36.580 If you'd like to bike to our wedding and masturbate. 0.99

00:39:42.180 And dude, the whole time I was biking, I would try to look, my main goal while I was biking 0.99

00:39:46.600 was to look like I wasn't going to masturbate when I got there. 0.97

00:39:49.200 You're like, I'm up to nothing. 0.98

00:39:50.940 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:39:52.320 Because I remember thinking the whole time that, oh fuck, everybody knows that I'm biking 1.00

00:39:57.080 across town to jerk off. 1.00

00:39:58.720 Where were you going? 0.99

00:40:00.560 I knew my basketball coach had a bunch of nudie mags he kept in his bathroom. 0.99

00:40:04.620 That's fucking weird. 0.99

00:40:05.520 Under the sink. 0.99

00:40:06.180 So you would go to your basketball coach's house and be like, yo, can I borrow some of

00:40:11.860 those magazines?

00:40:12.900 Oh, I wouldn't tell him, dude.

00:40:14.400 I would just go in there and pretend I had to do a bowel movement for about two hours.

00:40:17.300 Oh my God.

00:40:18.140 And then I would be so embarrassed to come out of the door, I would go out through the 0.99

00:40:21.280 window of his house and leave the fucking bathroom door locked. 0.99

00:40:26.140 So I would lock myself in. 0.99

00:40:28.440 And it was one of those locks, like the old one.

00:40:30.280 He's like, oh, I feel.

00:40:30.820 It was one of those locks, you put the little latch in the thing.

00:40:34.340 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:40:35.440 Oh shit. 0.99

00:40:36.500 So he had to climb back in his window? 1.00

00:40:38.480 Oh my God.

00:40:39.720 Why did he let you keep coming over?

00:40:41.760 I don't know, man.

00:40:42.660 I think he thought I had just bad GI tract or something.

00:40:45.820 Man, things were so different back in the days.

00:40:48.260 So much fun.

00:40:48.900 Because I hung out with teachers too.

00:40:50.580 And they would come to my house. 0.99

00:40:52.200 Nowadays, they're like, I'll fucking sue you. 0.99

00:40:55.200 Yeah. 0.98

00:40:56.260 But back in the day, you were just like, yeah, I'm hanging out with my teacher.

00:41:01.180 Yeah, everything's a lawsuit now.

00:41:02.740 That's one thing that's messed up a lot of things in America is just everything.

00:41:07.180 You know, lawyers got so happy.

00:41:08.800 Everybody found just easy ways to make money.

00:41:10.780 It's almost like, yeah, everything's a lawsuit.

00:41:14.400 You know, so they have to make everything safe.

00:41:16.040 They have to make everything.

00:41:16.880 I can't do this.

00:41:17.740 You know, the school bus driver can't say things to the kids.

00:41:20.600 It's just like, there's no living anymore.

00:41:23.220 Yeah.

00:41:23.620 Well, everyone's like walking on eggshells.

00:41:25.520 You don't know what you're going to say that's going to offend somebody.

00:41:29.200 People, you know. 0.98

00:41:30.340 It's ridiculous, though. 0.88

00:41:31.640 I don't understand why it's so. 0.89

00:41:35.920 It doesn't feel real, though.

00:41:37.360 It feels like it's real.

00:41:38.560 Like, if you look online.

00:41:39.800 Yeah.

00:41:40.000 Like, if you're on, like, yahoo.com. 0.99

00:41:41.820 It feels real, all the outrage and the bullshit. 0.98

00:41:44.820 If you just read that. 0.99

00:41:46.120 Right.

00:41:46.400 And you're not alive as a human.

00:41:48.460 But it feels like in the world, things aren't exactly like that as much.

00:41:52.480 I don't think so.

00:41:53.560 I mean, yeah, I don't know.

00:41:55.540 I've never thought.

00:41:57.780 Nothing's ever happened to me.

00:41:58.920 I'm like, I'm going to sue that person.

00:42:00.400 Yeah.

00:42:00.860 Like, I just think you just work things out.

00:42:03.560 Like, you just got to work it out.

00:42:04.800 Yeah.

00:42:05.280 And, you know, you hit somebody's car, call your insurance.

00:42:09.360 Yeah.

00:42:09.760 You know, it's not like, I'm going to sue you.

00:42:12.240 I don't know.

00:42:12.880 It's like a.

00:42:13.540 I think we're the only country that really is so litigious in that way. 1.00

00:42:17.540 Yeah, I think so, too.

00:42:18.220 Because there's so much money here, too.

00:42:19.520 Yeah.

00:42:20.540 You know, people's all, you know, chasing money.

00:42:25.440 Yeah.

00:42:26.700 Okay, my story about.

00:42:29.940 Yeah, so I went to when I was.

00:42:31.520 I was going to University of Arizona's and they had auditions there.

00:42:35.440 These have auditions at like six or seven schools around the country.

00:42:38.560 Yeah.

00:42:38.740 Real world and road rules.

00:42:40.000 University of Arizona is a good one to go to.

00:42:42.060 Yeah.

00:42:42.240 This is kind of a party school, right?

00:42:43.720 No, that's Arizona State.

00:42:44.920 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:42:45.820 If you want to basically cut the top of your car off with a fucking welding torch and also 1.00

00:42:51.840 cut your sleeves off to match your fucking car. 1.00

00:42:54.220 Okay. 1.00

00:42:54.840 And buy a little bit of turquoise.

00:42:56.520 Yeah.

00:42:57.420 Then University of Arizona is the place for you.

00:42:59.600 Very good.

00:42:59.740 Okay.

00:43:00.700 So.

00:43:02.500 And they.

00:43:03.260 Turquoise.

00:43:03.700 Oh, it would be.

00:43:04.420 It was definitely.

00:43:05.320 It was.

00:43:06.720 It was just hot.

00:43:07.820 What was it like?

00:43:08.520 It was fun, though.

00:43:09.400 Yeah.

00:43:09.820 A lot of classic rock fans.

00:43:11.360 All four years.

00:43:11.980 You were there the whole time or.

00:43:13.140 No, I was actually only there for one.

00:43:14.840 Okay.

00:43:15.700 Semester.

00:43:16.380 Gotcha.

00:43:17.120 So I went there for one semester and they had auditions at a bar called Gentle Ben's,

00:43:22.800 I think.

00:43:23.700 It sounds nice. 1.00

00:43:24.460 And it sounds like a fucking place that's definitely going to get a sexual harassment 1.00

00:43:27.620 lawsuit. 1.00

00:43:28.280 Yeah.

00:43:28.640 You know.

00:43:29.600 Ben was too gentle.

00:43:32.020 Easily.

00:43:33.780 So they had.

00:43:35.360 And I went in there and man, I was having.

00:43:38.180 I was depressed, bro.

00:43:39.020 I mean, I'm a half, half of my life.

00:43:40.680 I'm depressed, but so this was a time when I was, and I went in there and they had auditions

00:43:44.660 and yeah, they sat us in a group and, um, and they just started talking.

00:43:51.580 Yeah.

00:43:51.820 They started talking to people.

00:43:52.920 Yeah.

00:43:53.180 And, uh, and, uh, and I, and I just remember being like, I bet half y'all would be afraid 1.00

00:43:58.860 to fuck some twins. 1.00

00:43:59.860 That's what I said. 1.00

00:44:00.680 Right.

00:44:01.640 And, uh. 1.00

00:44:02.120 You were always saying crazy shit though. 1.00

00:44:04.100 I was. 1.00

00:44:04.500 I remember they would always be like, what's this?

00:44:07.140 Yeah. 0.99

00:44:08.140 They was saying some weird shit. 0.97

00:44:10.620 So that's all I remember saying, bro. 0.99

00:44:12.800 Cause shit was getting weird. 0.98

00:44:14.440 Like one guy. 0.99

00:44:15.140 Yeah. 0.82

00:44:15.360 Like the first guy was like gay, but then wasn't going to be gay. 0.65

00:44:19.260 And then I came back from the dark side. 0.59

00:44:21.340 He said, and then went back to like, everybody had like a crazy story. 0.99

00:44:24.440 One guy was doing fucking Renaissance fairs and shit. 1.00

00:44:27.100 I'm like, fuck dude. 1.00

00:44:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:44:28.300 I'm down to nothing right now.

00:44:30.040 You know, I got to come strong. 1.00

00:44:31.120 I got to pull some shit out of my crazy bag. 1.00

00:44:35.380 So I was like, I bet neither one of y'all would, would, would fuck twins, you know, 1.00

00:44:38.780 and they didn't know what to say. 0.99

00:44:40.560 And so then when I'm leaving, I guess, I guess not.

00:44:46.140 And then there was a girl in our group.

00:44:47.800 She literally stood up.

00:44:49.020 She was on the highest heels you could be on. 0.99

00:44:50.860 She stood up and then just fell directly down. 0.99

00:44:53.780 And she got fucking asked to go to the next round. 1.00

00:44:58.440 Oh, she's going to fall off camera. 0.99

00:45:00.000 Oh yeah, she's in.

00:45:00.540 Yes.

00:45:01.120 She's going down.

00:45:02.060 Right.

00:45:02.920 So then what happened was when I'm walking out of there, the man like taps you on the

00:45:08.540 shoulder and gives you this packet.

00:45:09.780 And it was like a big packet.

00:45:11.400 Yeah.

00:45:11.880 And it was literally like 30 pages of stuff to fill out.

00:45:14.620 Oh my God.

00:45:15.000 Yeah.

00:45:15.340 And he said, Hey, fill this out and mail it in.

00:45:18.760 And you'll hear from us in like within six weeks.

00:45:21.740 Yeah.

00:45:22.660 So for six weeks I was excited.

00:45:24.660 You know, it was like, who knows?

00:45:26.240 And then, um, I never heard from him and that was it.

00:45:30.380 So then the next year I'm at Louisiana state and they had auditions there and every year

00:45:36.440 they had like six campus where they would have audition.

00:45:39.560 So it just happened to be the next year that they had it at this campus.

00:45:44.720 So I'm like, okay.

00:45:46.740 So I went again and then, and I kind of knew, okay, the first round you say something wild,

00:45:52.900 you know?

00:45:53.200 And then, uh, and then, uh, and then watch somebody fall over.

00:46:00.260 So, so I don't remember what I did the second time, but I did something. 0.99

00:46:04.920 I bet none of y'all would fuck triplets. 1.00

00:46:08.420 Oh, he's good. 1.00

00:46:09.320 He's good.

00:46:11.160 And I remember actually, I remember, so then they had you, they had you fit, you know,

00:46:15.580 you fill out the packet and this time I didn't try to be wild on the packet.

00:46:20.220 I just tried to be like, just talk about my life.

00:46:22.740 And so then they called one time and then they made you set up a camera and they would

00:46:27.880 call you and interview you and you had to mail them a tape.

00:46:31.460 Okay.

00:46:32.020 And then they did that three more times and it was with therapists and different types

00:46:37.020 of people that work at their company.

00:46:38.640 Okay.

00:46:39.240 Then they had to talk to a therapist.

00:46:41.040 Yeah.

00:46:41.320 Oh, interesting.

00:46:42.420 You had to talk to a therapist.

00:46:43.440 I still know her, this lady, Laura Kikorian, that's her name.

00:46:46.220 Real sweet lady, but yeah. 1.00

00:46:48.660 And then they had you drive to a regional, like they had like 20 or 30 people drive to

00:46:54.800 a regional place.

00:46:57.140 And so I drove and I went in the hotel and it's, um, and in the hall, in the hotel, it

00:47:05.700 smelled kind of, it was like kind of a, it was in an urban area and it smelled like a

00:47:09.660 lot of like urban kind of hair care products and stuff, you know, kind of like.

00:47:13.440 Cause I grew up, you know, with riding on the school bus, a lot of black kids, a lot

00:47:16.340 of black kids at school. 0.95

00:47:17.760 And I was like, Oh, it smells kind of like black people in here. 1.00

00:47:21.100 You know? 0.92

00:47:21.580 And I remember saying that right when I sat down and I could just see their eyes just

00:47:25.300 like.

00:47:25.740 They were like, we got a racist on our hands.

00:47:28.500 We got a ringer.

00:47:29.420 Right. 1.00

00:47:29.640 And I didn't mean it like, Oh man, it fucking smells like black people in here. 1.00

00:47:34.340 You weren't trying to. 1.00

00:47:34.700 I didn't say that.

00:47:35.400 I was like, Oh, it smells like, I can't remember exactly what I said.

00:47:39.040 That's the, that was. 0.98

00:47:40.000 It smells like a black woman in here. 1.00

00:47:41.540 I think maybe that's. 1.00

00:47:42.440 You always said shit that made people feel like that. 0.99

00:47:45.800 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:45.980 It was something kind of specific, you know?

00:47:47.600 Yeah.

00:47:47.880 And it did.

00:47:48.440 That's what it's, you know?

00:47:49.580 And I was right.

00:47:50.420 No joke. 0.56

00:47:51.280 Two seconds later, a black woman comes in and asked everybody a question in the room. 1.00

00:47:54.980 And I was like, Oh, it's that, maybe it's that lady. 0.98

00:47:58.480 But, um, yeah.

00:48:00.200 And then, so then I remember after that, they, yeah, they would ask me more questions about

00:48:04.980 race or, and.

00:48:07.540 Cause they wanted people that sort of like push buttons and stuff, right?

00:48:11.160 Yeah.

00:48:11.340 They wanted people that would say stuff that was outrageous, I think.

00:48:14.460 Right.

00:48:14.800 Or just, I don't know if I was just too naive to even know.

00:48:18.800 Or no filter maybe.

00:48:20.240 Yeah.

00:48:20.420 There's no filter.

00:48:21.140 Yeah.

00:48:21.340 But also I think people knew I wasn't, you know, I've never come from a place of like,

00:48:26.280 I'm, I have any anger or.

00:48:28.600 Yeah.

00:48:28.840 I've maybe had more curiosity than anything.

00:48:30.680 Right.

00:48:31.460 You just seem kind of misunderstood by the rest of the cast.

00:48:34.940 At least what was.

00:48:35.700 Oh, yeah.

00:48:36.180 What aired.

00:48:37.020 I think I was.

00:48:37.680 And then cast members at a certain point, they start to become cast members.

00:48:40.820 Right.

00:48:41.420 So they're like, Oh, okay.

00:48:42.440 I'm this person.

00:48:43.300 I'm the activist.

00:48:44.340 Yeah.

00:48:44.480 I'm the one who's gonna, you know, like if anybody says anything inside a line, I'm going

00:48:48.140 to be that, you know?

00:48:48.960 Yeah.

00:48:49.220 Some lady's like, Oh, I'm going to come out of the closet, you know, even though I don't 1.00

00:48:52.340 even know if I'm gay, you know, some guys like, Oh, I'm the guy who's going to fuck 1.00

00:48:55.520 everybody. 1.00

00:48:56.440 You know, some guys like, I'm going to buy steroids.

00:48:58.860 You know, everybody's got different roles.

00:49:00.380 Right.

00:49:02.160 But yeah, anyway, so that was that.

00:49:03.680 And then one day they called and said, Hey, do you want to go on road rules?

00:49:07.140 Do you want to go on this trip?

00:49:08.480 Yeah.

00:49:08.720 And it was crazy because at the time, so many people watch the show.

00:49:12.340 Right.

00:49:12.740 Right.

00:49:13.000 MTV was only, yeah, MTV was huge.

00:49:15.020 Huge back then.

00:49:15.980 And I remember thinking, man, this is going to be just a life change.

00:49:19.880 Yeah.

00:49:20.020 You know, I remember going to a basketball game that day and walking into the stadium,

00:49:26.180 the basketball place and thinking, man, next year, if I do that show next year, half

00:49:31.660 these kids would know who I was.

00:49:33.440 Yeah.

00:49:33.700 When I came in here and, uh, and that was kind of, that was just a wild feeling kind

00:49:39.460 of.

00:49:39.860 And then when I, then I went into the show and went back to LSU and it was a nightmare.

00:49:43.580 Oh, really?

00:49:44.420 People were so mean. 1.00

00:49:45.720 People would throw shit at me all the time. 1.00

00:49:47.760 Holy shit. 1.00

00:49:48.300 Make fun of me. 1.00

00:49:49.140 Call me all kinds of names.

00:49:50.560 Yeah.

00:49:51.460 I remember one time I was at a bar, I was waiting to go into a bar and some kid threw a

00:49:55.640 bottle and it was right by my head and shattered on the, uh, on this bar right next to me.

00:50:01.180 Oh my God.

00:50:01.780 And that's when I was like, man, I got to get out of, uh, here.

00:50:04.840 Yeah.

00:50:05.220 It's just not safe for me to be around here.

00:50:06.840 Right.

00:50:07.280 One night, some people, I forgot about this. 0.94

00:50:10.100 I was at a bar by Tulane University and some kids started fucking with me and then started 0.73

00:50:18.180 chasing me and I ran up to a house. 0.50

00:50:19.940 I banged on the door this late.

00:50:21.960 It was a girl.

00:50:22.580 It was a group of girls lived there. 1.00

00:50:23.740 Yeah.

00:50:24.720 Some of them were asleep.

00:50:25.660 This one girl was awake and she let me in. 0.99

00:50:28.900 And then these people ran around their house and were throwing things through their windows.

00:50:33.980 Oh my God.

00:50:34.480 Just drunk kids at like 3.30 in the morning.

00:50:37.140 They broke like three windows in these people's house and I was just like, Jesus, dude.

00:50:41.700 Man. 0.99

00:50:42.440 It was just, just a couple of weird, you know, shit that was real scary. 0.99

00:50:45.420 Yeah. 0.99

00:50:45.920 You know, so I was like, I probably need to get out of here.

00:50:48.500 Was it that they thought you had like, like they wanted to take you down a couple of pegs

00:50:52.800 or something?

00:50:53.100 Yeah, I think so.

00:50:53.720 And I don't know if I had ego about it.

00:50:55.600 I can't remember.

00:50:57.220 I don't really think I did.

00:50:58.240 I mean, I was sleeping.

00:50:58.920 Just the fact that you were on TV.

00:51:00.100 Yeah.

00:51:00.280 This guy thinks he's cool.

00:51:01.500 This guy's different.

00:51:02.680 I don't think it was a matter of how you were acting.

00:51:05.140 Just like, oh, he's on TV. 1.00

00:51:07.200 Fuck that guy. 1.00

00:51:07.900 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:08.600 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:08.980 It was just a lot of like really shit that made me uncomfortable. 1.00

00:51:12.700 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:13.120 I was like, I'm not doing this.

00:51:14.620 Yeah.

00:51:15.100 That's crazy.

00:51:15.940 I didn't.

00:51:16.600 It was scary.

00:51:17.040 I would have never guessed that that would have been the.

00:51:18.760 I wouldn't have either.

00:51:19.660 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:20.440 And that shit was scary. 1.00

00:51:21.780 You're like, what happened to the basketball game? 1.00

00:51:23.840 Yeah.

00:51:24.500 Come on.

00:51:25.480 What happened to the cool?

00:51:26.480 Yeah.

00:51:27.220 They're all throwing bottles at you. 1.00

00:51:28.820 Shit. 1.00

00:51:29.060 Yeah, there was just some scary moments. 1.00

00:51:30.680 Now, that wasn't everybody.

00:51:31.920 Right, right.

00:51:32.540 But that was just a couple of things where it was like, oh, I'm not going to, you know, 0.96

00:51:36.180 I'm not going to die down here because somebody wants to be a prick, you know? 0.95

00:51:39.500 Right. 0.57

00:51:40.360 And that's when you moved to L.A.?

00:51:41.920 I think that's when I moved to L.A.

00:51:43.380 Yeah. 0.99

00:51:44.740 But anyway, that's kind of a fucking downer story. 0.99

00:51:48.520 No, I would say. 0.99

00:51:49.500 I mean, that sucks, but it is. 0.91

00:51:51.740 It's interesting. 0.81

00:51:53.300 Yeah.

00:51:53.440 That was the journey of it.

00:51:56.160 It kind of illuminates.

00:51:57.300 We were talking like Amanda Byn.

00:51:58.700 She was a child star and stuff went south of the rail.

00:52:00.700 It was just never as good as you perceive it's going to be in your mind.

00:52:04.160 Yeah, because you were young.

00:52:04.940 Oh, yeah.

00:52:05.200 I was young.

00:52:05.620 I was 19.

00:52:06.320 Yeah.

00:52:06.740 I mean, that's young.

00:52:07.660 One cool thing was one time they had flew me back to Los Angeles for something.

00:52:11.360 Mm-hmm.

00:52:11.760 And they sent a limousine to pick me up, which was so bizarre, dude.

00:52:16.600 I'm sleeping on my friend's floor.

00:52:18.500 We're sharing a floor. 1.00

00:52:20.480 And he would always bring up these crazy fucking drunk chicks. 1.00

00:52:23.820 And I would have to hide and fucking kind of sleep by the closet, you know, under a bunch 0.99

00:52:29.380 of sheets so it looked like nobody was in there. 0.98

00:52:31.200 Oh, my God.

00:52:32.300 And anyway, so I had the limousine stop at the bus stop because I waited this one bus

00:52:38.640 stop and pick up everybody and got in and dropped them all at school. 0.90

00:52:41.840 And that was a fucking pretty cool day. 0.95

00:52:43.880 That is cool. 0.93

00:52:44.580 Just pulled up and was like, hey, you guys, get in.

00:52:46.660 We're going directly to campus.

00:52:48.760 It's like 730 in the morning.

00:52:50.600 People are freezing.

00:52:52.120 Oh, my God.

00:52:52.640 That was fun.

00:52:53.200 That's like that comedy club up in, what is it, Sunnyvale or something.

00:52:58.140 They always would send a-

00:52:59.280 A rooster?

00:53:00.000 Yeah.

00:53:00.420 Then they send a limo.

00:53:01.900 Like a stretch limo for just you.

00:53:04.200 And you're like, what's white? 0.99

00:53:06.320 You're like, is this the fucking 80s? 0.99

00:53:08.740 What's happening? 0.99

00:53:12.440 Yeah.

00:53:12.840 You're like, is somebody dead?

00:53:14.580 You got like your one book bag and like a satchel of merch.

00:53:20.620 You're like, ugh, okay.

00:53:24.240 You're almost embarrassed where you're like-

00:53:26.380 You're almost embarrassed to get in.

00:53:31.080 The only place this would be okay is Vegas.

00:53:34.160 We're in Sunnyvale.

00:53:35.620 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:36.280 Yeah, we're in fucking Silicon Valley. 1.00

00:53:40.560 Fucking Twitter over here is looking down on me. 1.00

00:53:44.580 That's crazy. 1.00

00:53:48.240 Oh, my God.

00:53:49.360 What's one of the weirdest clubs you've played over the years, do you feel like?

00:53:52.880 Was there something weird when you were starting out?

00:53:54.520 The one that tripped me out was in Peoria, the jukebox or something.

00:54:00.120 Oh, I love Peoria, but I never played the club.

00:54:02.500 The comedy club is right beside a strip joint.

00:54:06.020 There's a strip club on one side of it, and then right across the street is a race car track.

00:54:11.260 But like, where dudes just like-

00:54:13.680 The race car track is like mud.

00:54:16.260 Or like Demolition Derby?

00:54:17.340 Yeah, kind of.

00:54:18.080 But they're racing.

00:54:19.160 So it's crazy loud.

00:54:22.440 It's kind of more of a passion thing than it is.

00:54:24.660 Right, more of a passion project.

00:54:26.060 Yeah.

00:54:26.280 Like anybody can be raced.

00:54:28.460 These dudes are like making these cars in their backyard.

00:54:31.240 Like racist people will show up and be like, I'm ready.

00:54:33.760 And like, nah, nah, nah, man.

00:54:34.880 It's not that.

00:54:35.560 It's cars.

00:54:36.240 Like, aw.

00:54:36.560 Yeah.

00:54:37.120 So that was a trip.

00:54:38.800 Like everybody was so nice.

00:54:40.100 But like, so dudes would wander over from like the strip club, drunk, be like, where am I?

00:54:47.860 And I'm like, so being a lesbian, what? 1.00

00:54:54.200 And I would fuck with these dudes. 1.00

00:54:56.120 It was so fun. 1.00

00:54:58.620 But you like-

00:54:59.380 Where am I?

00:54:59.820 If the door would open, it'd be like-

00:55:02.220 It was insane.

00:55:07.600 So you couldn't like not talk.

00:55:09.740 You had to talk the whole time.

00:55:11.180 Oh, yeah.

00:55:11.420 So that it would drown out the engines.

00:55:15.420 Yeah.

00:55:15.860 That was probably one of the most memorable ones.

00:55:18.340 The jukebox.

00:55:19.500 The juke-

00:55:19.860 Something like that.

00:55:20.880 Comedy jukebox or something.

00:55:22.560 I need to go there.

00:55:23.400 That'd be dope. 0.98

00:55:24.140 Yeah.

00:55:24.960 I performed once back when I did Last Comic Standing.

00:55:29.720 Oh, yeah.

00:55:30.260 I forgot you did that.

00:55:31.160 Yeah.

00:55:31.520 You did it too, right?

00:55:32.440 Yeah.

00:55:33.280 I made it to like the final 40 or something.

00:55:34.820 Yeah.

00:55:35.220 I was saying it was like that kind of thing.

00:55:37.380 Uh, they, uh, I started touring pretty much right after that.

00:55:42.780 But, you know, nobody, only people who knew who I was-

00:55:45.760 Right.

00:55:45.920 A couple people.

00:55:46.620 Yeah.

00:55:46.920 Watched the show.

00:55:47.920 But, um, they like hired me for a charity event in Virginia Beach.

00:55:52.840 They're like, oh, it's going to be like sit down dinner.

00:55:56.000 It's going to be really nice.

00:55:57.060 It was supposed to be like sort of through a gay organization.

00:55:59.500 And, uh, I guess like a week before the guy in charge quit and some other guy was just

00:56:05.400 like handed the project and he was just like, uh, so it was like, it ended up being at like

00:56:10.380 a biker bar, like, uh, Harley, you know, and the dinner was like a Chinese buffet with

00:56:18.040 like eight options.

00:56:19.260 Uh, and, uh, there was no gay people in sight and I had my mom meet me up there from North 1.00

00:56:27.280 Carolina because, you know, I was new to touring and stuff and, uh, fuck man, the stage was 0.99

00:56:33.780 like a crate, like a fucking, you know, Coca-Cola crate. 0.99

00:56:37.440 And the light was, uh, the light was a clamp, one of those clamp workspace lights and the 0.97

00:56:46.520 mic was like, sounded like a karaoke, like a kid's karaoke machine where it's like, oh,

00:56:51.820 who wants to hear some comedy?

00:56:54.520 And they hired an opener, uh, who used to, who came up with a comedy store, Steve Moore.

00:56:59.600 He was, uh, he was an old comic and he was supposed to do 20 and I was supposed to do

00:57:04.720 40 and, uh, he lasted two minutes.

00:57:08.920 He, cause it was bike. 0.99

00:57:10.020 It was like biker dudes that were just like, what the fuck is this? 1.00

00:57:14.260 And, uh, and there was maybe only like 20 people there. 0.98

00:57:17.620 He lasted two, two minutes.

00:57:20.500 He got hit.

00:57:21.460 They still paid him.

00:57:22.220 He got his check and he left.

00:57:24.460 And my mom, I was like, dude, you can at least be make it 21 in here.

00:57:31.320 Come on.

00:57:32.000 And I got 20 bikers looking at me like I'm insane.

00:57:36.200 And my mom's just looking at me like, what profession have you chosen?

00:57:40.880 And I, I, I don't, by the grace of God, I just like somehow figured out what to talk

00:57:47.020 about for 40 minutes.

00:57:48.400 And got it done.

00:57:49.260 Got it done.

00:57:49.860 But you know, that's early on when you're just like, I don't really have 40 minutes.

00:57:53.320 So I think I was like asking what's, Hey sir, like, where are you from? 0.99

00:57:58.220 Don't, you know, that shit, like crowd work. 0.99

00:58:00.440 And, uh, I mean, I've never been scared in my life to be on a crate performance. 0.99

00:58:06.860 Oh, crate is so hard. 0.99

00:58:09.000 You take every step as a fucking no. 0.99

00:58:11.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:12.180 Every time you move, it's like, on my karaoke machine.

00:58:19.060 Like a virgin.

00:58:23.200 People are like, what is going on?

00:58:25.080 You gotta earn your stripes though, you know?

00:58:28.120 Dude, I remember we, me and a friend of mine went to a school, University of Arkansas, Little

00:58:35.060 Rock.

00:58:35.980 Yeah.

00:58:36.300 Or some, it may have even been a smaller one.

00:58:38.680 Right.

00:58:39.040 And we had to be on a crate.

00:58:42.580 It was outside.

00:58:43.500 Yes.

00:58:43.720 It was outside.

00:58:44.700 We had to be on a crate.

00:58:45.680 Yeah.

00:58:46.020 People brought sofas and everything.

00:58:47.600 They were kind of fired up.

00:58:48.860 Yeah.

00:58:49.080 They were all bringing their own sofas.

00:58:50.740 And we didn't know what to do.

00:58:51.760 We had no plan.

00:58:52.860 It was me and another community.

00:58:53.900 We each had about eight minutes, right?

00:58:55.280 Yeah.

00:58:55.440 We had to fill an hour.

00:58:56.800 We stopped before at like a store that had a bunch of, like a dollar store, got a bunch 0.99

00:59:00.780 of fucking weird prizes and shit. 0.98

00:59:02.520 And we had two girls take pregnancy tests. 1.00

00:59:06.820 No.

00:59:08.440 At the school, they had to go in and take them and bring them back to the crate. 0.99

00:59:12.800 We're standing on a fucking crate outside. 0.98

00:59:15.580 And the audio was good though. 0.99

00:59:17.720 Oh, okay.

00:59:18.080 That's good.

00:59:21.160 Everything's clear.

00:59:21.640 And they had to check.

00:59:22.980 And both of them came back negative, man.

00:59:25.060 And they both won something.

00:59:26.320 That's nice.

00:59:27.840 If it came back positive, you get a baby.

00:59:29.940 One girl was sweating too.

00:59:33.320 Oh, my God.

00:59:33.580 One guy started pacing in the distance.

00:59:35.440 We're like, jeez. 0.99

00:59:36.220 Holy shit. 1.00

00:59:37.100 You're like, your prize is condoms. 1.00

00:59:39.500 Yeah.

00:59:40.660 I had a crazy show.

00:59:43.620 It was also in Arkansas at a college.

00:59:46.020 And it was one of my first college gigs.

00:59:48.620 And at the time, I had this character.

00:59:50.960 Because I came from, I did groundlings first and then transitioned into stand-up.

00:59:56.500 So I had like, I had tested for SNL twice.

00:59:59.160 So I had this whole past comedy thing of characters and improv and all that stuff.

01:00:06.640 And I had a character that was a Hooters waitress named Darlene Witherspoon. 1.00

01:00:12.520 And so I filmed myself like in an alley pretending to be a Hooters waitress.

01:00:17.420 And it didn't go viral, but a lot of people watched it.

01:00:24.180 And so I was sort of known at that time as like Darlene Witherspoon.

01:00:28.800 And so I got hired to do this college.

01:00:31.780 And they mentioned that they were fans of Darlene Witherspoon.

01:00:35.520 So I just assumed, well, then that's probably why they're hiring me.

01:00:39.100 All the students must be fans of Darlene Witherspoon.

01:00:43.560 So I, again, didn't have a ton of material.

01:00:46.920 You got to build it up, you know.

01:00:48.760 Yeah, dude.

01:00:49.700 And so I, at those colleges, you have to do an hour.

01:00:53.840 And so I did like 40 minutes.

01:00:57.340 I found my way through that.

01:00:59.400 And then my big idea was that I was going to take my clothes off.

01:01:04.140 And under my clothes would be my Hooters outfit where I'd be in this tight Hooters shirt and these tiny orange shorts.

01:01:11.620 So I take it off thinking like, here comes the big finale.

01:01:19.820 I'm in this tiny outfit.

01:01:22.600 I'm going through the rows of kids.

01:01:24.760 They all are horrified. 1.00

01:01:26.200 None of them have ever heard of this fucking character. 0.99

01:01:29.700 It was the people that hired me who were fans, the, like, you know, advisors. 0.99

01:01:35.840 These students were just like, you know, they're 18.

01:01:37.980 Like, why is this fat girl in a Hooters outfit? 1.00

01:01:42.240 And she's, why is she, like, everybody was like, oh, my clothes are up on stage in a pile.

01:01:52.920 I was like, well, I misread that situation.

01:01:56.740 And you must have known immediately, too, that it wasn't going well.

01:01:59.880 No, and there it is.

01:02:01.280 See, friend. 1.00

01:02:01.960 Oh, damn. 1.00

01:02:02.940 My fat ass was in this Hooters outfit. 1.00

01:02:07.240 Fine. 1.00

01:02:07.840 And I just, these kids were just, you know, when you're 18, they're, like, uncomfortable.

01:02:14.060 They're, like, they're not in on the joke with you. 1.00

01:02:16.920 College kids are so fucked up. 1.00

01:02:18.980 College kids that are going to those events are fucking fucktards, dude. 1.00

01:02:23.240 They just think. 1.00

01:02:23.820 They are.

01:02:24.240 They feel sorry for you.

01:02:25.480 They're, like, oh, man.

01:02:27.080 Like, what, you know, what happened to this poor woman? 1.00

01:02:30.000 They're, like, I'm part of the Native American initiative here at fucking Fayetteville, Arkansas. 0.98

01:02:34.400 Like, what are you talking about? 0.95

01:02:35.860 It was, and I still had, like, a good 15 minutes left. 0.99

01:02:39.100 You have to commit to that shit where you're just, like, I'm going to prance around in my Hooters outfit just acting like this is normal. 0.98

01:02:48.460 Dude, my worst show was, I mean, there's so many of them, but one of them for sure, University of either North Florida or Central Florida. 0.99

01:03:00.380 It was their Battle of the Bands.

01:03:02.340 Oh, man.

01:03:02.980 And so they hired, I got to be the host, the emcee.

01:03:06.940 Okay.

01:03:07.360 So I go out in the beginning.

01:03:08.720 I'm thinking I'll do a couple minutes, warm them up, and then, you know, it'll get the crowd going, start to bring up a band.

01:03:17.440 Well, I go out there. 0.97

01:03:18.800 They don't give a fuck about me, dude. 0.97

01:03:21.760 They don't have, some dude, honestly, threw the American flag at me, I remember. 0.99

01:03:26.520 It was a big one.

01:03:27.520 It was on a thing, and it just came and hit the stage.

01:03:29.640 Oh, my God.

01:03:30.080 And I couldn't tell if that was, like, a good thing or a bad thing.

01:03:32.620 Are you being patriotic or?

01:03:36.900 So they literally boo me off stage.

01:03:39.180 Oh, my God.

01:03:39.940 And it was about 800 kids in a small venue, and they were all excited, because I think it was a Greek thing, and it was their Battle of the Bands.

01:03:45.560 So each one had a band that was going to play.

01:03:47.600 Yeah.

01:03:47.900 So I go backstage, and I burned through all my material.

01:03:51.980 Yeah.

01:03:52.320 They couldn't even hear it.

01:03:53.380 It was so pissed.

01:03:54.540 I go backstage.

01:03:55.940 I bring out a band, and they're like, okay, you just need to do, you know, about four or five minutes between each band now.

01:04:01.060 Really?

01:04:01.800 Jesus. 1.00

01:04:02.380 Which feels like an hour when you're fucking eating dicks. 1.00

01:04:06.060 Oh, I felt my spine literally crawl out of my ass and hide in my sock, dude. 1.00

01:04:13.020 I was fucking. 1.00

01:04:14.900 So I just came out again, bro, the second time. 0.99

01:04:18.400 It was like, boo.

01:04:20.040 And literally, I kept coming out to the point where about the fourth time, it became funny that I was coming back out again.

01:04:26.780 Yeah.

01:04:28.060 But, man, I remember crying internally, like tears forming, but not coming out of my face and only going backwards into my throat.

01:04:35.720 A hundred percent.

01:04:36.740 And it was just painful, man.

01:04:38.400 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:04:39.440 This shit was dark. 1.00

01:04:40.300 We got a question right here. 1.00

01:04:41.240 Came in.

01:04:41.740 All right.

01:04:44.160 Fortune, two questions. 0.98

01:04:45.840 Do you wear a bra, and would you or have you ever shot a porno? 0.99

01:04:51.620 Oh, my God. 0.95

01:04:52.680 I could sort of, I didn't have to think.

01:04:54.700 Did she say, do I wear a bra?

01:04:56.260 She said, yeah.

01:04:56.920 What did she say?

01:04:57.440 Yeah. 0.99

01:04:57.920 Do you wear a bra, and have you ever or would you shoot a porno? 0.99

01:05:02.160 Well, that is quite a question. 0.98

01:05:06.540 That's some diverse questioning.

01:05:08.640 Do I wear a bra? 0.98

01:05:10.420 My titties are down here. 0.78

01:05:11.740 I do wear like a, it's kind of like a shout out North Carolina right here, by the way. 0.94

01:05:17.960 Oh, nice to say hootenanny?

01:05:19.080 Hootenanny.

01:05:19.560 Nice.

01:05:20.340 I do wear a bra.

01:05:22.180 It just, I don't wear the ones with the wires and the things, so my boobs should be like here if I did do that.

01:05:28.780 So now they're like a little bit, they're like midsection.

01:05:31.960 They're kind of like man boobs a little bit. 0.98

01:05:36.100 Go moobs situation. 1.00

01:05:37.520 I wish I had a little more.

01:05:38.580 But they say women, oftentimes they're not wearing the appropriate size bra.

01:05:44.300 Really?

01:05:44.620 So I got to go to one of those bra specialists and get like a better one probably. 0.98

01:05:50.120 And would I shoot a porno? 0.93

01:05:52.820 That's a big no. 0.99

01:05:54.900 Yeah.

01:05:55.380 I mean, I'm sure that comes as a shock to people watching or listening.

01:06:01.620 Nah, this is not a porn body.

01:06:03.700 This is a turn the lights off, you know, no candles even.

01:06:09.600 Oh, wow.

01:06:10.300 No lamps.

01:06:12.240 We're talking about darkness.

01:06:15.340 I'm more one lamp in the distance.

01:06:17.180 Oh, speaking of no lamps, here's a guy who definitely just woke up. 0.99

01:06:20.540 It says dick fuel. 0.96

01:06:21.500 Hey, what's up, Theo? 0.99

01:06:25.360 What's up, Fortune?

01:06:26.780 My question for both of you is when Netflix calls, is it a call?

01:06:34.640 Do you have to go in for a meeting?

01:06:37.520 How does that go down when they go, hey, you're getting a special?

01:06:43.160 How does that work?

01:06:44.060 Also, if you could turn into a motorcycle, would you?

01:06:52.100 Thanks.

01:06:52.780 Gang, gang.

01:06:54.460 Gang, brother. 0.99

01:06:55.440 And his shirt say dick fuel and the motorcycle man, I think. 0.99

01:06:59.580 And the dick fuel and the motorcycler? 0.99

01:07:05.100 Motor, I don't know.

01:07:06.040 Motorcycles, maybe?

01:07:06.780 He likes motorcycles.

01:07:08.840 Yeah, how does it work?

01:07:10.000 Because you have a new special coming.

01:07:11.340 I do.

01:07:11.920 On Netflix.

01:07:12.420 Yeah, January 21st.

01:07:14.260 It's called Sweet and Salty.

01:07:16.380 It's my first hour special.

01:07:18.260 It is?

01:07:19.120 Yeah.

01:07:19.600 Wow.

01:07:20.180 I've done two half hours.

01:07:21.480 I did one for Comedy Central and then one for Netflix.

01:07:24.120 So I'm excited.

01:07:25.420 That's so exciting.

01:07:26.500 Super pumped for that.

01:07:28.540 Yeah, for me, well, I did the half hour first as part of the stand-ups.

01:07:33.940 It was like Nate Bregatsi and Nikki Glaser.

01:07:37.700 And that happened, they call your agents.

01:07:40.060 I don't know how it went with you, but for that, they call my agents and then just sort

01:07:45.840 of offer it.

01:07:46.820 And so that helped me sort of get in the door with Netflix.

01:07:51.220 And then they, I think we went to them like a year and a half later to do an hour and they

01:07:58.920 were like, no.

01:07:59.660 Because it's gotten very competitive, you know?

01:08:02.600 Yeah, it's very competitive.

01:08:03.440 They're saying no to a lot more people nowadays because there's so much.

01:08:07.060 Well, they make so many specials.

01:08:08.120 They make so many specials.

01:08:09.600 They said no.

01:08:10.380 They just didn't feel like it was time.

01:08:13.240 You know, it's all about timing and stuff.

01:08:15.260 Yeah.

01:08:15.840 I mean, it's just, and it's their opinion.

01:08:17.620 Yeah.

01:08:17.880 And so I just sort of, and I got the same sort of answer from other people, which I

01:08:25.080 was kind of surprised by.

01:08:26.360 I was like, I think I'm ready.

01:08:28.320 But I just was like, all right.

01:08:29.800 It sort of forced me to kind of put my head down and just hit the road even harder.

01:08:36.060 So I spent a year and a half just, I mean, I've been touring since 2010, pretty much since

01:08:42.240 last comic.

01:08:42.860 So I hadn't stopped that process, but I just like cranked it up even more where I was just

01:08:47.700 like gone like every weekend, just like beating this set as hard as I could, trying to make

01:08:55.120 it better, trying to get it to a place where it, they couldn't deny it or be it Netflix or

01:09:01.080 whoever.

01:09:01.760 Yeah.

01:09:02.400 And so, but you don't really think about that as the end goal.

01:09:07.200 You're just like, this is what I'm doing.

01:09:08.520 I'm a comic. 0.99

01:09:09.520 I'm getting shit done. 0.96

01:09:10.040 Yeah, I'm just doing my thing. 0.95

01:09:11.080 Yeah.

01:09:11.220 You hope for that.

01:09:12.040 This is an outside thought of like what's going to happen bigger picture.

01:09:15.840 You can't control, you can't control if someone's going to buy it or not.

01:09:19.400 And, uh, and so I, uh, got it to a really great place and, uh, and then they, I, it sort

01:09:28.000 of came at the same time.

01:09:28.940 I'm doing a morning radio show for them now on Sirius XM.

01:09:33.180 Uh, it's me and Tom Papa.

01:09:35.780 It's called, uh, called what a joke.

01:09:37.520 And, uh, so it sort of came like, you're going to do this radio show with them and also we

01:09:44.000 want your special.

01:09:45.200 Oh, wow.

01:09:45.520 So it was, I think a phone call and then you meet with them later.

01:09:49.320 Uh, but you know, I just, I, I don't know.

01:09:52.800 For me, it was like, I, I, I've gotten plenty of no's in my career, but I'm very motivated

01:09:58.240 by those no's.

01:09:59.740 It makes me like, you know, I got, I was on a pilot that Tina Fey produced.

01:10:05.900 I was so excited about, and it didn't go.

01:10:08.160 And it just like, something was like, all right, you got to know, but you have Tina

01:10:12.680 Fazier for like five more minutes.

01:10:15.140 What are you going to do with that?

01:10:16.200 So I pitched her a show in a, uh, selling my own show and we've shot that pilot.

01:10:22.000 It didn't go, but that led to me being on the Mindy project.

01:10:24.760 But so I just try to use those no's as a big motivator.

01:10:29.120 Yeah.

01:10:29.560 Uh, and now I shot my special.

01:10:31.560 I said, I shot it in Charlotte, North Carolina.

01:10:34.540 What is it called?

01:10:35.300 Sweet and Salty.

01:10:36.180 Sweet and Salty.

01:10:37.040 I like it.

01:10:37.160 Yeah.

01:10:37.800 And, uh.

01:10:38.080 I love Sweet and Salty.

01:10:39.200 Right?

01:10:39.720 Yeah.

01:10:39.900 You know, and, uh.

01:10:41.240 You shot it in North Carolina?

01:10:42.260 Shot it in North Carolina. 0.79

01:10:43.380 Wow.

01:10:43.740 And your folks came out?

01:10:44.760 Yeah, everybody came.

01:10:45.760 Wow.

01:10:46.240 So that meant a lot to me because I've been in LA 17 years and they don't really get to

01:10:51.300 see my world and what I do much.

01:10:54.460 And so to get to share that with them was a special for me.

01:10:57.840 And it's a very autobiographical set, uh, where I go through like birth, elementary school.

01:11:04.180 I take everybody on this sort of timeline journey and then I bring it back sort of full circle.

01:11:10.000 And I talk a lot about being from the South, you know, and cause I think the South gets a

01:11:15.180 bad rap in a lot of ways.

01:11:16.180 Yeah, the South gets a bad rap. 1.00

01:11:17.380 There's assholes everywhere or ignorant people, but I fucking love, Southern people have been 1.00

01:11:24.520 so good to me and I am proud to be from the South and I wanted to have it filmed in the 1.00

01:11:30.440 South because I think people associate the South with certain people.

01:11:34.760 I'm like, well, I'm, I'm from the South.

01:11:36.440 Yeah.

01:11:36.660 I feel like I'm a good person.

01:11:38.300 Yeah.

01:11:38.460 The South has so many good people.

01:11:40.040 Yeah.

01:11:40.280 I wonder sometimes why they, why it's almost like the people that make a lot of the news

01:11:44.880 stories have never even, they're not from there.

01:11:48.200 Yeah.

01:11:48.500 They have no idea.

01:11:49.500 Most of the people I know are good people.

01:11:51.460 Yeah.

01:11:51.940 Have manners.

01:11:52.980 They're kind.

01:11:53.940 They do stuff for their neighbors.

01:11:56.340 Would help anybody.

01:11:57.060 Would help a neighbor where no matter the color of their skin does it.

01:11:59.740 100%.

01:12:00.100 Man, it just makes me so mad sometimes.

01:12:02.760 Yeah.

01:12:03.040 So I just wanted to like, I'm not ashamed of that part of myself and my past at all.

01:12:09.720 I'm like, I'm Southern, but I'm also gay and I'm also a daughter.

01:12:14.280 I'm also a sister.

01:12:15.620 Yeah.

01:12:15.800 So I tell a lot of stories that I think a lot of men in particular kind of assumed they

01:12:21.240 wouldn't be able to relate to my story.

01:12:25.260 And a lot of dudes come to my shows like with their girlfriend or their wives and you can

01:12:29.180 kind of see them being like, all right, what do you got?

01:12:32.260 And then by the end, they're the ones that are like, oh my God, like that was, I had such

01:12:35.760 a good time.

01:12:36.620 Yeah.

01:12:37.080 And that means so much to me because I'm like, I'm trying to just make people feel good.

01:12:41.720 I'm telling stories that everybody can relate to.

01:12:44.440 So I'm really proud of this special and I just want people to watch it because I don't

01:12:48.660 know, just, I feel like I'm, I'm presenting a, a different look, outlook on that world.

01:12:55.760 Yeah.

01:12:56.060 Well, no, and they also have an, I was talking about this yesterday, I think we had Tommy,

01:13:03.920 Tommy, Tommy, we had Tommy Lahren in yesterday, the newscast.

01:13:06.940 She's like a Fox, you know, she's, and she's very conservative, you know, but I was talking

01:13:13.160 about, they haven't had anyone from the South in comedy since the blue collar comedy tour.

01:13:21.120 Right.

01:13:21.280 Really?

01:13:22.300 Yeah.

01:13:22.520 There was a big gap.

01:13:23.380 Reba, I mean, they've had, they had that Reba show, which was great.

01:13:26.220 Yeah.

01:13:26.460 Reba show's great.

01:13:27.460 Yeah.

01:13:27.780 You ever watch that?

01:13:28.500 Yeah.

01:13:28.800 I love the, most Peterman was on that.

01:13:30.880 Yeah.

01:13:31.080 She's so good.

01:13:31.840 Steve Howie.

01:13:32.400 Yeah.

01:13:32.600 Dude, that show's great.

01:13:33.820 Yeah.

01:13:34.260 Yeah.

01:13:34.660 There was a big gap.

01:13:35.740 Huge gap.

01:13:37.140 And so it's, it's like, you tell me, in a place where there's so much history, so much

01:13:42.100 good storytelling, so much creativity.

01:13:44.820 Right.

01:13:45.460 And that's the thing, like, Southerners are such storytellers.

01:13:50.340 And that's, a lot of my standup is, I'm just telling stories.

01:13:53.100 Yeah.

01:13:53.380 I'm not, I'm not doing the, like, set up punchline, set up punchline.

01:13:56.860 That's never going to be my style.

01:13:58.700 I'm like, here's a funny story, and it's going to make you laugh, you know, on the way to telling

01:14:04.860 you what happened.

01:14:06.340 And I think that's a big Southern thing.

01:14:08.760 I think, like, you know, we tell stories, because we grew up with, like, people that

01:14:14.420 you would think, like, that's not a real person.

01:14:17.120 You're like, no, I grew up with that.

01:14:18.740 Yeah.

01:14:19.060 That's a real person, dude.

01:14:20.520 And this is a real story.

01:14:22.360 That's what our whole podcast is based on, mostly.

01:14:24.800 And that was, like, my entire childhood.

01:14:26.780 And I grew up watching everybody tell these crazy stories, and they're, like, full of life.

01:14:32.300 And I, I mean, of course, you know, that influenced me, influenced you.

01:14:35.740 And, uh, a lot of Southern comics, you know, but I just, uh, I felt like being gay, you're

01:14:44.640 sort of just, like, thought, okay, well, you're a gay comic.

01:14:47.500 Right.

01:14:47.980 And I go, no, I'm, I'm still Southern.

01:14:50.240 Yeah.

01:14:50.520 I'm still a huge part of my upbringing.

01:14:53.280 I still have my accent.

01:14:54.840 Like, it's, I go, I own a house in North Carolina.

01:14:57.440 Yeah.

01:14:57.900 It's a big part of me.

01:14:59.600 Oh, that's amazing.

01:15:00.580 No, I love hearing you say that.

01:15:01.880 Yeah.

01:15:02.300 And Southern women, too. 1.00

01:15:03.500 Like, you're telling me there's not, I can't imagine how many great personalities have

01:15:09.320 been missed out on.

01:15:10.560 Yeah.

01:15:11.040 That are Southern women, you know, that are just, and I think a lot of Southern women 1.00

01:15:14.340 also don't think of getting into comedy.

01:15:16.420 Right.

01:15:17.000 Probably because I think in some of the, in some of those spaces, there's still, like,

01:15:21.780 more of a, you know, men kind of do comedy.

01:15:23.920 Right, right.

01:15:24.300 A lot of times.

01:15:24.900 Yeah.

01:15:25.060 I mean, like, when I started at the store, like, Sarah, Sarah Tiana was there, so that

01:15:30.600 was nice to see, like, she's from Georgia.

01:15:32.580 Oh, yeah, she's great. 0.76

01:15:33.560 Seeing, like, another stand-up, but, you know, there's, like, a handful of us.

01:15:37.200 Nate Bregazzi's done so well.

01:15:38.720 Yeah.

01:15:39.360 And, uh.

01:15:40.200 There's a girl on Instagram, too.

01:15:41.420 Chelsea Lynn, do you follow her?

01:15:42.580 Uh-huh.

01:15:43.080 She's a trip. 0.88

01:15:43.900 Yeah.

01:15:44.020 She's so funny.

01:15:44.940 She does trailer trash Tammy. 1.00

01:15:46.180 Yeah, she's so, yeah. 0.80

01:15:47.780 I met her at Luke Bryan's house.

01:15:49.380 Oh, did you?

01:15:50.460 Yeah.

01:15:50.860 Dude, their video of her and Luke Bryan's mom?

01:15:55.000 I was there that day.

01:15:56.360 You were?

01:15:56.940 I was there that day.

01:15:57.920 Oh, my God.

01:15:58.880 Yeah, they had a big charity event at their house.

01:16:01.820 Can we watch it?

01:16:02.480 I don't know if we can watch it on here right now.

01:16:04.080 Oh, my God.

01:16:04.600 It was so fun.

01:16:05.760 His mom's a, Luke Bryan's mom's a trip.

01:16:07.600 She's out there smoking a cigarette.

01:16:09.480 She's, like, store a cigarette now?

01:16:10.380 Yeah.

01:16:11.020 Okay.

01:16:11.240 Go, Luke!

01:16:13.320 She was driving around with a golf cart smoking, like.

01:16:16.720 Yeah.

01:16:17.460 Okay, Luke Bryan and his wife Caroline asked me,

01:16:20.860 uh, to help prank Luke's mom.

01:16:22.940 This is Chelsea. 0.83

01:16:28.040 He's, like, telling his mom that this girl's been stalking him.

01:16:31.300 Yeah.

01:16:38.160 He's just telling his mom's mom's having a cigarette.

01:16:39.980 They're standing by a golf course.

01:16:45.380 This is shot on a phone, it looks like, too.

01:16:47.420 It is.

01:16:48.220 And here comes Chelsea. 1.00

01:16:49.440 That's his backyard.

01:16:50.860 It is.

01:16:53.640 situate.

01:16:55.900 Look at her.

01:17:01.540 Hey! 0.99

01:17:03.320 Hey! 0.99

01:17:04.720 Hey! 0.99

01:17:05.600 I got her! 0.97

01:17:06.160 I got her! 0.97

01:17:06.660 I got her! 0.97

01:17:12.760 Hey! 0.99

01:17:13.800 Hey, get on your stomach, get on your stomach, get up, you hurt me, I can't breathe, you 0.91

01:17:23.420 hurt me, give me five minutes, get up, get up, give me five minutes with your, I will

01:17:29.560 breath, I will breath, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, 12 days of 0.60

01:17:37.500 pranksmas. Oh my gosh, she falls down, she fell down. That's so funny. They prank each

01:17:46.340 other all the time at Christmas. He could have killed his mother with this, man, that 1.00

01:17:50.160 is intense. So Luke's wife, Caroline, is a big pranker. Oh, really? So every year, she 0.99

01:17:57.020 does 12 days of pranksmas. This was months before Christmas, she set this up, because

01:18:05.560 they had a big charity event at their house. Was it a golf tournament? It was, it was

01:18:09.840 like a bunch of stuff. It was like a gun range, it was putting, it was fishing, it was like

01:18:16.320 a day outside, and they played like music and stuff and raised money for the Brett Boyer

01:18:21.740 Foundation, which helps kids with like heart defects. Oh, wow. Down syndrome, stuff like

01:18:27.000 that. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Dang, that sounds like fun. Oh, it was awesome, because

01:18:31.480 that, you talk about getting back to my roots, like, I don't get to do stuff like

01:18:36.300 that very often, you know, live in LA, I'm on tour all the time. Yeah. Like, just to

01:18:40.100 go to somebody's farm and like fish, and like, you know, just shooting targets and

01:18:45.880 stuff, and they had skeet shooting. Oh, really? Yeah, it was awesome, and then I

01:18:50.640 had like the, all the, like Jason Aldean, all these guys were playing music with him

01:18:55.280 that night, and Kid Rock came out. He did? Yeah. Was it in Nashville? It was, yeah, in

01:19:01.680 Nashville, at their, they have like a house, and it's like a farm. Is it Leaper's Fork

01:19:06.020 out there, or no? I don't, I honestly don't know, they like shuttle you somewhere, because

01:19:09.960 you know, they don't want, people don't know where they live. Oh, yeah. Blindfold you, put

01:19:14.440 you in a trash bag. That's awesome, man. What's so funny is like, my, my fiance is like, you 1.00

01:19:20.080 know, living in Chicago 12 years, and is from Michigan, and they go, do you guys

01:19:25.200 want to shoot a rifle? We're like, yeah, we'll try it, and so they had like five

01:19:29.620 targets, and I, I try, shoot, I hit like the target maybe once. She gets the rifle,

01:19:34.720 and she's like, pew, pew, pew, pew. I'm like, what the fuck? She nailed all five targets without 1.00

01:19:42.460 even like flinching. I'm just like, oh. Kindergarten cop, huh? Kindergarten cop, 100%. Damn, that's

01:19:52.200 nice surprising. I'm like, okay. Now I can pay her as security. That's right. Yeah, she'll 0.99

01:19:56.900 protect me. I'm a, I'm the puss. Our alarm went off one time, and she, and I was like, 0.96

01:20:02.160 we got to wait for the cops. She's like, no, I'm going in, and I, and I stood in the doorway,

01:20:08.000 I was like, I have the, my hand on the panic button of the alarm system. Should anything

01:20:13.040 happen to you? I'm of no use. Don't let this big body fool you. I'm like, that's when I

01:20:22.600 become very straight. Help me. Help. Theo, I need a man. She'll be like, you're supposed

01:20:37.540 to be the butch one. I'm like, what are you talking about? Get your man boobs over here. 1.00

01:20:49.720 Oh, man, that's hilarious. Yeah, I'm so excited for your special. Yeah, that's how it worked. 1.00

01:20:56.960 Yeah, yeah. Did you call, did they call you? Yeah, I had one, yeah, let me see, 2015, I

01:21:04.040 think, and they came out and saw me, and then they said, yep, we'll do a special. They gave

01:21:09.600 us like a certain budget, and that was it. You shot yours in New Orleans? Shot mine in

01:21:14.760 New Orleans, and I wish, I really wish I hadn't, just because, yeah. I am glad my mom got to

01:21:20.040 be there. I think my mom got to be there. My family, a lot of family and friends got to

01:21:25.080 come, so that was the best part, was just them getting to be part of the experience.

01:21:29.080 Yeah. The tough part was just people there had not, there hadn't been a lot of comedy

01:21:33.980 there. Same, same with me. So a lot of people didn't know what to do. They didn't know when

01:21:38.600 you were joking sometimes. They didn't know. Yeah. One person was yelling defense for half

01:21:42.420 the thing. They thought it was like a sporting thing. Oh, my God, really? Some ladies yelling 1.00

01:21:45.280 defense, they had to throw her out. Oh, my God. This lady's out of her fucking mind, dude. 1.00

01:21:49.440 Yeah, I had a similar thing where the show started like an hour late, because, you know, you're 0.99

01:21:53.920 filming, they're setting up the stage and everything, so people were like pissed about

01:21:56.900 that, and you're just kind of like, well, at tapings, it's different than a regular show.

01:22:01.220 At tapings, they do kind of start late, because they're trying to get all the stuff, they pick

01:22:04.940 cameras and lights, and so everybody got hammered in the, like, hallway. Oh, yeah, now that's

01:22:10.480 risky. Oh, an hour of just people pounding it. So people, but people were so excited for

01:22:16.260 me, and I appreciate that. I love that. They were like, you know, they were yelling at me

01:22:22.180 in my whole set. Oh, wow. Some gay guys were even yelling, lesbian! Like, as a term of

01:22:29.380 endearment, but I'm like, dude, I don't want lesbian being yelled out during my entire Netflix 0.86

01:22:36.420 taping. They're gonna, like, some editor's gonna have to be like, oh, you know, going

01:22:40.220 through this whole thing. Yeah, it's funny, people don't realize, like, don't just cheer

01:22:44.420 the whole time. Yeah. Like, just listen to the show. Right. Some people are like, we're

01:22:48.360 gonna cheer, we're gonna fucking let them know. It's like, they're gonna know. Yeah, 0.90

01:22:52.400 I had one, I had one woman who, when I would say the punchline or whatever she

01:22:56.980 had, that's right! And I'd be like, no, or like, yep, that happened to me. This was

01:23:03.500 my first show. I had to be like, ma'am, I love you, but can, like, you not do that? And

01:23:09.920 she kept doing it. Like, yep, that, mm-hmm. And finally I went, shut the fuck up! 1.00

01:23:14.120 It was bonkers, and then the second show started late, too. They had been drinking 1.00

01:23:21.000 all night, so it was rowdy. It was rowdy. Yeah. Yeah, so I, I'm glad I, the same, I'm

01:23:30.060 glad I did it there, because I got to share that with friends and family, but, you know.

01:23:35.500 It's risky. It is, yeah. Because people think it's just a party, we're coming out to

01:23:39.720 party. Exactly. Which a live show is. Yeah. Any live show, you're just like, yeah, I

01:23:44.640 want you to have the most fun ever. Let's fucking have the best hour and a half 0.96

01:23:48.780 ever. Yell what you want, we'll do it. Yeah. But at a taping, you're like, ugh, I 0.99

01:23:53.860 gotta. Yeah. You just gotta get this done. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough to be up there and be a

01:23:58.280 comedian and also trying to feel like you have to kind of, like, uh, produce, you

01:24:02.080 know, like, you know. Yeah. Be a, you know, a controller as well. That part was the most

01:24:06.820 interesting, because you, it's harder to, like, stay in the moment, you know, like,

01:24:11.220 because a live show, it's just, like, so natural, and you're just like, I'm connecting

01:24:15.940 with you, you're connecting with me, but, like, when you're taping, the producer part

01:24:19.980 of you is like, oh, I messed that line up. You kind of like, or you're, like, thinking

01:24:24.160 about where you're standing. There's, it's something a little more unnatural about it,

01:24:28.880 but then by the second it shows, uh, that night, it was like, okay, let's just, let's just

01:24:33.880 do this. Yeah. Yeah, it gets to, it gets to be, uh, yeah, let's just do this. Yeah,

01:24:40.140 the second time, yeah, you're like, yeah, you, you just start to realize, okay, there's

01:24:44.020 things I can control, things I can't. Let me just do my best. Well, you know, like I

01:24:48.460 said, I just want people to watch it. January 21st. January 21st on Netflix. Sweet and

01:24:52.480 salty. I love it. That's so exciting. Where are you going to watch it? I'll be in New

01:24:59.120 York doing press, uh, so I guess somewhere in New York, and then I leave, like, two

01:25:06.100 days later to film a movie. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm going to Puerto Rico. Oh, wow. I've

01:25:10.700 never filmed there before, but it should be fun. To San Juan, do you know? Uh, San Juan,

01:25:14.560 yeah. It's a, I'm flying to San Juan to shoot for two days on that movie, uh, then flying

01:25:20.120 to Pittsburgh to shoot a day on another movie, flying out on the red eye that night to go back

01:25:25.980 to San Juan, and as soon as I land, I go back to filming. Damn. It's crazy. Uh, but 0.99

01:25:31.340 it's good. I mean, I'm always been trying to balance the stand-up acting life. I'm

01:25:36.500 just happy that anybody wants to hire me, so. Yeah. If that's what it takes, I'll do

01:25:41.700 it. Yeah, you've always done what it takes, it sounds like. Yeah. Oh, I mean, I come

01:25:46.340 from, you know, I come from very, uh, nice working folks. My mom was a special ed teacher

01:25:53.860 for 30 years. Oh, wow. My dad was, uh, worked at a trucking company, and then the last 10

01:26:00.240 years, he's basically been a janitor at an elementary school. Oh, wow. Like, in charge,

01:26:05.680 he's a janitor, but also he's in charge of the janitors there. So, I'm very, like, working

01:26:11.220 class. Like, we didn't have much growing up, and you just learn from an early age. You gotta

01:26:17.180 work. Yeah. Nothing's handed to you. And, uh, you know, I started working at the recreation

01:26:22.700 department when I was, like, 15. Did you really? Mm-hmm. Lining softball fields and picking

01:26:27.740 up trash and, uh, work. At the rec department? What was it called? That's right. Belmont

01:26:32.800 Recreation Department. BRD, they called it? Uh-huh. And, uh, and I loved it. And, you know,

01:26:38.200 but we just, I got, when I moved to LA, I had $25 in my pocket. Damn. You just figure it 0.98

01:26:43.560 out, you know? Yeah. You're just, like, I have a goal. I want to keep a roof over my head.

01:26:49.140 And, for me, it was never about trying to be famous or anything. I didn't think someone

01:26:53.280 like me could be on TV. I was, like, I just want to pay my bills. And, uh, and, you know,

01:27:00.660 there were times where, before I got, like, uh, Chelsea Lately, I, I, like, had no, I was

01:27:07.620 done with money. I had nothing. Yeah. And I, but I was, and it, like, scared me because

01:27:13.960 I thought, well, I can't, like, call my parents. They can't bail, bail me out of a

01:27:18.460 rent or something. But there was something in me that knew, like, even if you have nothing,

01:27:25.300 I'll go work at a Starbucks. Yeah. I'll go work at a UPS. I don't give a shit. I'll do

01:27:31.060 whatever it takes to pay the bills and I'll figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. There is something

01:27:36.960 nice when you have a family member, you grow up having, like, just an understanding of how

01:27:40.860 to figure things out. Mm-hmm. You know, I feel like that's one thing I learned as I

01:27:43.740 get older. I see sometimes there's people that depend on other people to figure things

01:27:48.240 out for them. Mm-hmm. And there's people that are able to figure things out for themselves,

01:27:51.440 you know? Yeah. And there's, there's really a, it's beautiful, it's a beautiful thing if

01:27:54.620 you've had to figure things out for yourself. Yeah. Because it's such a, I mean, that's the,

01:27:59.180 it's just such a skill, you know? Yeah. It's such a skill that some people don't even

01:28:02.500 realize they don't have. Right. They're like, oh, I need the government to do this or I need,

01:28:06.100 you know, like, it's like, yeah, to have that skill to be able to survive. You got

01:28:10.820 to be able to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, you know? Yeah. Like, I find the

01:28:14.720 people that I know who've been handed things their whole life, they don't know how to function

01:28:18.720 sometimes. Yeah. And you're like, come on, dude, like. Yeah. Tighten up. Yeah. And it's

01:28:24.100 just like, as hard as it was growing up with, like, you know, we had, I'm not saying I had

01:28:30.180 it worse than anybody else. No. But, you know, we. But, yeah. There were times the lights

01:28:34.220 were cut out, the nervous, you know, the pot, the water bill hadn't been paid and you just

01:28:39.500 are like, all right, we, you know, we at a young age would pull our money together and

01:28:44.140 be like, all right, let's pay the water bill. You know, you just figure it out. And so my

01:28:49.140 mom is a teacher. Like, in the summers, she had to go get a job waitressing at, like, a

01:28:55.580 Sizzler type restaurant. Wow. Oh, yeah. I used to like Sizzler. Yeah. It was called Quincy's.

01:28:59.960 Oh, was it really? Yeah. Oh, God. Sounds good. It was, there's no ego in it. Yeah. Like, it

01:29:05.780 was embarrassing for her. She had to wait on, like, friends, family, families and stuff.

01:29:10.500 But there's no ego when it comes to taking care of yourself and your family. Yeah. You

01:29:15.420 just got to do what you got to do. So I think it helped prepare me for LA for this business

01:29:21.620 because, you know, it's like, I'm lucky that I'm working, but I don't know. I don't know

01:29:26.720 what's going to happen. Yeah. You can't. Yeah. You have to. There's no city that'll make

01:29:30.320 you survive. I don't feel like, like here. Yeah. And I was here, you know, uh, eight

01:29:35.660 years before I made a dime at this. So I had to do other jobs, you know, you just figure

01:29:41.480 out other ways to make money. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. So I'm just always like hustling as

01:29:47.320 a result. I never stop. Yeah. Well, and that's a nice thing. Some of that never stops, you

01:29:51.800 know, I think that thing never stops. Like the, the desire to achieve or to figure it out.

01:29:56.660 Yeah. Well, the flip side of it is that you're so consumed with this being secure and making

01:30:03.260 sure you're never in that position again is that you almost work too much where I spread

01:30:08.320 myself pretty thin. Uh, but I'm doing what I love. So at least I got that part, you know,

01:30:13.900 I don't think my dad loved being a janitor, but you got to do what you got to do. So at

01:30:19.620 least I love my job and I get to do really cool things. Yeah. It's true. I love sweeping

01:30:25.280 though. I fucking love sweeping. Yeah. I would have been a good janitor, man. My mommy's 0.97

01:30:28.180 put me outside and I would sweep, man. I'd sweep everything. I'd sweep stuff that wasn't

01:30:31.580 ours. I'd sweep the cars. I'd sweep the damn sidewalks. I'd go sweeping halfway down the

01:30:36.720 damn block. Oh my God. I don't have to come get me. She's like, uh-uh. That's not ours. 1.00

01:30:40.780 Come back. Yeah. My dad's big, my dad's big thing was, uh, doing floors. He was, he was

01:30:46.900 good at, uh, with that buffer. Yeah. That buffer. He'd strip floors and wax them. And that

01:30:52.500 was his big thing. I used to ride on that buffer. Sometimes they had this, they had

01:30:56.480 this one man, Jerry, that was a janitor and he would let me ride on that fucking buffer 0.99

01:30:59.560 for a half a minute. I bet he did. Hey, you want to ride on this buffer? Oh yeah. If 0.99

01:31:07.960 you mean the machine, yeah, I'm in. If you're talking about that, you got it. He's like, yeah,

01:31:15.200 sure. That's what I was referring to. One time, these two janitors are walking

01:31:21.680 down the hall. I just told this story yesterday. And, uh, one of them said to

01:31:25.180 the other one, he goes, hey, did you set the chairs up in the gym? Uh, Mr. Ford's

01:31:29.120 going to be speaking in there this afternoon. And the guy goes, President Ford?

01:31:33.100 And the guy goes, fuck no, Mr. Ford, the science teacher. What do you think is President Ford? 0.99

01:31:43.500 That's right. Get those good chairs out. It was just so baffling to me. And also beautiful

01:31:50.960 how this man was just working in this school every day and thinking, hey man, the president

01:31:55.000 might show up. That's right. It could happen. It could happen. Got to dream big. Uh, fortune

01:32:00.340 Feimster. Thank you so much. Of course, Theo. For being here. It's always lovely talking

01:32:04.960 to you. It's such a good time. This is one of my favorite, uh, chats that we've had in

01:32:08.260 here. January 21st on Netflix. Sweet and salty. Yeah, sweet and salty. And I'll share it on

01:32:14.000 social media. I'm excited for you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Yeah, you bet. Thanks

01:32:17.540 for coming in. Yeah, buddy.

01:32:30.340 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it

01:32:37.500 in my bones. But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let

01:32:50.100 myself on wine. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me. And I will

01:33:09.020 find a song. I will sing it just for you. And now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train

01:33:23.140 with a heavy load of my hand. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club,

01:33:32.400 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories,

01:33:36.920 and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview

01:33:42.460 my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have

01:33:48.840 three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about

01:33:55.320 Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetie. Here's a deal. Anyone who

01:34:03.360 doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? 1.00

01:34:07.740 Oh, hi. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:34:11.780 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:34:13.860 Oh, no.

01:34:16.240 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:34:18.560 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is,

01:34:24.740 tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:34:30.420 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry. My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - January 09, 2020

Fortune Feimster ｜ This Past Weekend #254

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