This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Honest with Myself ｜ This Past Weekend #119

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00:00:29.300 I mean, so quickly, there's a skill right now that you probably want to have.

00:00:33.420 There's some that I want to have, and you can have them, and you can have them now.

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00:01:03.540 Just explore a new passion, you can do that.

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00:01:45.920 This weekend, I'll be in Pasadena on Wednesday, August 8th at the Pasadena Ice House.

00:01:52.780 Tickets available at TheoVaughn.com slash tour.

00:01:56.560 As well, in two weeks, I'll be at the Laugh Factory in Chicago.

00:02:01.920 After that, Nashville, also Charlotte.

00:02:04.720 We just added some dates.

00:02:05.760 I'm heading back to that North Cackalacka. 1.00

00:02:08.280 And that is October 4th through the 6th.

00:02:12.700 Toronto, Appleton, Buffalo, Salt Lake City.

00:02:17.260 You guys, all tickets available at TheoVaughn.com slash tour.

00:02:20.560 Tour, you know, sometimes you see that swimming pool when you jump in and you don't know how deep it is.

00:02:27.840 That's where I'm at today.

00:02:30.180 You know, sometimes you jump into a pool and it's beautiful.

00:02:32.680 You just get wet.

00:02:34.200 Sometimes you jump in and you, that bottom is two inches down.

00:02:38.060 And that water had that little, you know, that's a mirage.

00:02:40.680 That's a damp mirage.

00:02:42.380 And sometimes you don't get wet.

00:02:43.480 You get straight up handicapped. 1.00

00:02:45.260 Sometimes you get wet.

00:02:46.500 Sometimes you get wheelchaired.

00:02:47.620 So, who knows, but this is where we are right now.

00:02:51.540 We're flying by the seat of our pants and we're in the air.

00:02:54.900 And let's hit this pool.

00:02:56.720 Let's see how deep this thing is.

00:03:08.100 That's a little hitter right here, a little diddy.

00:03:14.060 Memphis is 200 miles away.

00:03:17.620 Memphis, where that old evil woman escaped. 0.82

00:03:36.120 She had a chip on her shoulder.

00:03:38.120 Since the day she left her home, she thought her daddy didn't love her.

00:03:43.820 And she was born to Rome.

00:03:45.600 She made her mama cry a river. 1.00

00:03:48.440 And she didn't give a damn. 0.80

00:03:50.840 That's about the time I left. 1.00

00:03:53.700 Cause that's the fool I am. 0.99

00:03:55.500 She had a man at the time who was on his way to jail. 1.00

00:04:00.180 And I thought she needed someone different to drag with her to hell. 1.00

00:04:05.100 She played my heart just like a guitar.

00:04:08.320 And she didn't skip a beat.

00:04:10.620 Now I thank the Lord above.

00:04:12.920 She's so far away from me. 0.97

00:04:15.000 Memphis is where that old evil woman stays. 1.00

00:04:37.820 Man, everybody's got an evil woman in the distance, don't they? 0.95

00:04:43.560 And it might be an actual, it might be an actual woman. 1.00

00:04:47.060 You know, it might be that dirty damsel. 1.00

00:04:49.680 You know, it might be that little dandruff, that little dandruff damsel in the distance. 0.99

00:04:54.100 That just, man, you just can't help but scratch your head when it comes to thinking about that woman. 0.95

00:05:01.620 But then it might be a pervert, you know, not even a real woman, just a hypothetical. 0.92

00:05:05.360 A woman, it might be a thing, an object. 1.00

00:05:08.260 It might be just something.

00:05:10.400 You know, it could be a drug in the distance that you keep far away.

00:05:15.320 It could be a memory that you're hiding from or that you're running from or this that you steer clear of.

00:05:22.620 You know, it could be something that you keep at arm's length.

00:05:27.740 You know, we all have things and, you know, I have, or we don't know, who knows if we all have things.

00:05:32.500 I have things that I keep at arm's length.

00:05:35.100 You know, I have some, I have some things that I keep.

00:05:38.840 You know, I have some truths that I keep at arm's length.

00:05:42.180 You know, I don't always want to be fully honest with myself.

00:05:44.720 You know, I think it's interesting how wild it is to be, to be fully honest, fully honest.

00:05:56.260 If I want to tell myself the 100% truth, I don't know, I don't want to do that.

00:06:03.820 You know, I don't want to do that.

00:06:05.240 I get scared of telling myself the truth.

00:06:09.900 The truth?

00:06:11.580 Man, what if I'm fully honest with myself?

00:06:13.560 What could happen?

00:06:15.800 You know, and that's one of my goals this year and the rest of this year is to get fully honest with myself.

00:06:21.780 You know, just to live in the, just to, I just don't, man, I,

00:06:25.340 and I don't think, and I don't have a lot of skeletons in the closet, 0.96

00:06:27.940 but damn, boy, you could hear some femurs just acting fancy in there once in a while. 0.98

00:06:35.840 You know, and the crazy thing about honesty, the crazy thing about the truth, 0.99

00:06:41.600 the truth, I feel like, carries a drum.

00:06:45.420 The truth carries a drum, and in the beginning,

00:06:48.220 if you, when you have the truth and you don't let the truth free,

00:06:51.280 when the truth is free, you can't hear it.

00:06:54.120 But when you put that truth away, it gets its little drum out.

00:06:57.940 And it'll just start making a little sound and a little sound.

00:07:01.680 And then that sound just keeps, that sound grows in you 0.98

00:07:04.700 until that truth is just fucking Jerry Page or whatever. 0.99

00:07:10.200 Or, you know what I'm saying, fucking Lonnie Van Zant back there, 0.99

00:07:14.680 just beating the hell out of that thing. 0.99

00:07:18.260 And then you just, dang, man, the truth will not,

00:07:21.980 it just, you know, that's just that sound and it just wants to get out.

00:07:25.220 And that's the truth, is the truth wants to be quiet.

00:07:29.880 But it has to be free.

00:07:31.580 And when you've got that truth caged up, boy, that thing can get really loud.

00:07:35.020 And that's where I'm at sometimes, just living sometimes,

00:07:37.980 you know, I just want to live, I want to live on that plane of just freedom.

00:07:43.020 And so that's one of my goals this year,

00:07:45.120 to get even closer to that plane if I can.

00:07:48.060 And it's a journey, I think that's all life is, man.

00:07:50.320 We're out here on a journey.

00:07:51.160 You know, we're out here in this rowboat.

00:07:54.620 You ever bought a bad boat off of somebody?

00:07:57.900 You ever bought a bad boat? 1.00

00:08:00.900 You're like, damn, dude, look at that fucking boat, man. 1.00

00:08:05.140 And they're like, oh, it's a good boat. 1.00

00:08:07.140 And you're like, okay, here's some money. 1.00

00:08:08.640 Then you're out in that bitch and you're like, what the fuck, dude? 1.00

00:08:13.220 This boat is bad. 1.00

00:08:16.300 And that's life sometimes.

00:08:17.920 You start, dude, think about this.

00:08:19.240 You get life at zero, you're like four days old.

00:08:22.840 You get to be alive, two days old, whatever, six minutes old.

00:08:27.380 And you get that right out the gate, you get life.

00:08:31.040 And then you're out there 20, 30 years. 0.99

00:08:33.280 You're like, damn, boy, this thing. 0.98

00:08:36.240 This life's got a few holes in it. 0.99

00:08:37.880 My life's taking on water.

00:08:39.980 And I got to dry this thing out.

00:08:43.160 And it's hard, man.

00:08:45.240 It's hard because you don't know. 0.99

00:08:47.220 You don't know that, you know, you just don't fucking know. 0.97

00:08:51.020 Whatever. 0.99

00:08:51.600 I don't know what I'm talking about.

00:08:52.680 You just keep rowing, bro.

00:08:54.220 You just keep rowing.

00:08:55.460 It's not always going the way you want, bro.

00:08:57.620 But onward, right?

00:09:00.060 What's up?

00:09:00.740 Thank you guys for being here.

00:09:01.740 I'll just go back from Minneapolis.

00:09:03.340 I want to thank everybody that came out.

00:09:04.860 I got back from Rochester.

00:09:06.480 I worked with Gary Vaynerchuk this weekend.

00:09:10.000 And Gary Vaynerchuk, man, he's that money-minded little, you know, he's that little dollar monster. 0.95

00:09:16.880 You know, he's that money muppet. 0.93

00:09:18.660 And he likes money. 0.87

00:09:19.720 He likes business. 0.99

00:09:21.300 You know, he's like that, you know, he's like the Walter White of fucking Wall Street. 0.99

00:09:26.040 You know? 0.99

00:09:26.860 He talks about money.

00:09:28.240 He talks about business.

00:09:29.240 He talks about succeeding.

00:09:30.860 And look, you know, I'd seen videos of his on Facebook.

00:09:33.760 And I was like, what is this guy?

00:09:35.380 Is this for real?

00:09:36.200 What's his deal?

00:09:37.480 And I'll tell you this.

00:09:38.480 From walking away, you know, I was out there with this group called Stationary Astronaut.

00:09:42.880 We were in Rochester, Minnesota.

00:09:46.620 And it was great.

00:09:48.700 And I sat in the back.

00:09:50.800 You know, I performed last.

00:09:52.720 The comedians were going on at the end.

00:09:54.580 And Gary Vaynerchuk was a big draw there.

00:09:57.220 And people brought tickets to go see him.

00:09:59.160 And some people bought tickets to come see me.

00:10:01.880 And we did the show.

00:10:04.240 And it was great, man.

00:10:06.260 It was a great experience.

00:10:08.500 And Gary Vaynerchuk, man, he gave out some good advice.

00:10:11.340 He gave out some good advice.

00:10:12.640 Here's a couple things that he said.

00:10:13.840 He said, and I'm just sharing this information that I heard with you.

00:10:17.940 Now, and this is stuff that I took that I thought was helpful.

00:10:22.120 He said that he thought that right now these are simple things.

00:10:25.280 Might mean nothing to nobody.

00:10:26.380 That land, that you could get real estate in New York for pennies on the dollar right now, he thought.

00:10:33.060 And another thing that he said was that advertising on Instagram and Facebook are cheaper than they will ever be.

00:10:40.820 Or as cheap as they will ever be.

00:10:43.320 So they utilize those tools.

00:10:45.080 And he also just, I think he genuinely wants people just to be, to be woke, you know, to be woke up when it comes to business.

00:10:52.700 If they want to do business.

00:10:55.140 Now, some people, it's like, you know, you were infected with this world where everything, you got to do business.

00:11:00.980 You know, and Gary Vaynerchuk seemed like that money Muppet.

00:11:05.740 You know, he got that bank.

00:11:06.740 Like if you say, if we's all Muppets, because we's all.

00:11:11.240 And somebody put a hand up you.

00:11:13.400 Who gots a hand? 0.99

00:11:14.080 Whose hand is in your butt? 0.99

00:11:15.600 Is making you live your life? 0.99

00:11:17.680 Whose hand is up you?

00:11:19.140 Is up your skirt? 0.93

00:11:20.620 Up your full body skirt, you know, and making you Muppet. 0.99

00:11:24.080 Is it a, is that person a therapist?

00:11:27.640 Is that person a banker?

00:11:29.620 And Gary Vaynerchuk, you know, whatever hand is coming to him, it's that money hand.

00:11:35.400 You know, it's that banker hand.

00:11:37.260 And he likes money and he likes business.

00:11:39.640 And I think he just likes effectiveness.

00:11:42.380 But it was interesting, man.

00:11:44.400 And it was a blast.

00:11:45.940 We had a good time there in Rochester.

00:11:48.060 And in Rochester, Minnesota, if there's a city on earth where there are angels at,

00:11:53.240 man, it's Rochester, Minnesota.

00:11:55.520 I mean, this city, first of all, the Mayo Clinic is there.

00:11:58.700 And the Mayo Clinic, you know, when I was young, some people know and some people know

00:12:02.660 my sister was, suffered from a rare liver disease called biliary atresia.

00:12:07.040 And it affects one and maybe almost half a million children.

00:12:11.740 And they're, something with their liver, their bile duct or something that doesn't work.

00:12:16.920 And you know, I remember as a kid, man, it would be so crazy because we couldn't touch

00:12:20.340 our little sister, you know, and we couldn't like hug her and we couldn't play with her

00:12:25.060 because she was sick.

00:12:28.340 And so it was, you know, I think some of my connectivity issues and stuff, I think a lot

00:12:34.800 of my intimacy issues maybe even developed right there, you know, like, you know, and

00:12:40.680 I, and you don't realize it when you're a kid as much, but, you know, it makes you kind

00:12:45.000 of scared that you can't, you know, that you have a little girl that's sick and a little

00:12:50.240 girl that's sick and then you can't touch her, you know, you can't play with her, you're 1.00

00:12:54.320 scared you're going to hurt her or something.

00:12:55.780 Um, cause she had to wear like a bag, you know, sometimes and she had to, you know, I remember 0.99

00:13:02.180 she would go away and, uh, and she was two years younger than me.

00:13:06.960 So she would go away and, um, she'd come back with all these scars on her, you know, they 0.99

00:13:11.260 would, you know, you know, they carve into her a little bit. 1.00

00:13:14.920 She'd come back looking like, uh, you know, like, uh, that, that, that Thanksgiving turkey 1.00

00:13:20.300 about three hours into the, into the, into the giving, you know what I'm saying?

00:13:24.440 I mean, that turkey gave, you know, if on Thanksgiving, say, say dinners at one, you, you, you go

00:13:30.240 take a gander, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:13:31.820 You drop eyeballs on that fucking turkey about three 30 in the afternoon. 1.00

00:13:36.780 That thing looks like it's been in a damn gang bang with a couple of knives, you know, 1.00

00:13:40.940 a couple of, uh, knifes. 0.99

00:13:43.880 And that's how my sister came back.

00:13:45.640 You know, she'd come back to look kind of chopped up and she'd have these sutures and 0.99

00:13:48.780 everything.

00:13:49.460 And, um, man, it's so funny.

00:13:52.460 I never thought about that, that that could have been something that kind of

00:13:54.420 kind of, you know, maybe adjusted how I interact with people, uh, or especially women even 0.99

00:13:59.240 or anybody sometimes in like a, um, spatial kind of, you know, physical spatial type of

00:14:06.640 environment.

00:14:07.760 Uh, but yeah, but we couldn't touch her.

00:14:09.280 We couldn't play with her and she would be sick and it was just kind of scary.

00:14:11.980 Anyway, there was a point when, and, and she would go all over the country because it

00:14:15.980 was very rare at the time.

00:14:17.240 And my sister ended up getting a liver transplant and, uh, and that was crazy.

00:14:23.860 You know, I remember being real young and, um, and we would do fundraisers and we would

00:14:30.220 take those cans around town and put the cans out, you know, at the pizza parlors and whatever

00:14:35.200 for people to put money in the cans, uh, for my, for my sister, you know, to raise money

00:14:40.880 for a transplant cause she needed, uh, she needed constant care and she needed a transplant 0.93

00:14:45.900 to get that extra liver. 0.98

00:14:47.920 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:14:48.580 She need that extra fucking straight up body hitter, bro. 1.00

00:14:51.880 And that liver is a, dude, that liver, whoo, whoo, that liver, bro. 0.99

00:14:58.180 That's the Patrick Swayze of organs.

00:15:01.380 Liver could do anything.

00:15:02.740 You've been drinking, ba-bao, boy. 0.95

00:15:05.040 Liver will shine you up and put you back on and you go to work the next day.

00:15:08.900 But Al, you know what I'm saying?

00:15:11.500 Your liver's right there.

00:15:12.760 Your liver's got your front.

00:15:13.740 Your liver's got your back.

00:15:15.380 You know, your liver will ring you out and tighten you up.

00:15:19.360 And, and so anyway, man, you know, she ended up getting a transplant years later, but when

00:15:23.680 I was young, uh, she had to go to the Mayo Clinic and the Mayo Clinic is there in Rochester.

00:15:28.100 It's right there in Rochester, Minnesota.

00:15:31.400 And you're talking about, you're talking about a hospital that I want to say they see, there's

00:15:38.000 like a million, there's like a million, almost a million and a half patients that come through

00:15:41.480 there every year.

00:15:42.820 And so some of you guys are thinking, ah, that's crazy.

00:15:45.500 That's an unrealistic amount of patients.

00:15:47.200 And this is, this is a small city.

00:15:49.360 Let me look up the population of Rochester.

00:15:51.720 Uh, Rochester, Minnesota population is 114,000.

00:15:58.380 Okay.

00:15:58.680 People live in Rochester, Minnesota.

00:16:00.320 Um, but the Mayo Clinic brings in over a million people pass through that city every year.

00:16:08.080 And, uh, and that's amazing.

00:16:10.040 So you want to talk about a place where, you know, where good is happening and you can feel

00:16:16.460 it in the air, man.

00:16:17.540 You could feel, there were so many nice people.

00:16:19.620 It was unbelievable. 0.95

00:16:20.880 Even if they had thugs in there, the dudes were fucking nice, you know? 0.70

00:16:24.900 You know, I mean, you, it's the kind of place where if you, even if you got mugs, some 0.92

00:16:27.820 dude would be like, give me all your money, you know, if you're kind of okay with that.

00:16:31.920 Uh, give me all your money if you don't, you know, if you could, you know, and I'll give

00:16:36.800 it right back.

00:16:37.880 Like that kind of thing.

00:16:39.400 You know, it was that kind of place where there's just a lot of good in the air up there.

00:16:44.260 And it was just a blessing to be there, man, because I was back there.

00:16:47.200 And cause here's what happened was when my sister went one time when we were kids, we 0.84

00:16:50.840 got to go up and see her cause it was a holiday.

00:16:52.620 It was Christmas.

00:16:53.340 And so we got to go spend a Christmas up there in Rochester, Minnesota when I was a child and visit

00:16:57.760 my sister up there at the Mayo Clinic.

00:17:00.520 And they have a huge Ronald McDonald house up there and everything.

00:17:04.120 Um, but anyway, it was just amazing, man.

00:17:05.920 I had a great time and I got to listen to Gary Vaynerchuk and it was cool.

00:17:10.180 You know, it was just cool.

00:17:11.260 One thing I realized about being, listening to like inspirational speakers, cause I don't

00:17:15.200 do that kind of stuff that much.

00:17:16.400 You know, I'll watch the Tony Robbins documentary that came out this year.

00:17:19.000 But one thing is, um, you know, it's, and I probably had some judgments about Gary V.

00:17:27.780 I'm like, look at this.

00:17:28.540 He's just, you know, this guy was born.

00:17:31.040 His family was wealthy.

00:17:31.960 They had a wealthy wine business and blah, blah, blah.

00:17:34.280 And what is, you know, what struggle has he had and blah, blah, blah.

00:17:37.460 Those are thoughts going through my head.

00:17:38.840 But then he was inspiring and sometimes it's good to just hear somebody inspire you.

00:17:49.060 And that's what I realized.

00:17:51.060 Like, I don't care.

00:17:51.980 Like I might not, maybe I agree with everything this guy says.

00:17:54.520 I don't know.

00:17:54.900 Maybe I don't, but the guy is, has achieved a lot of successes and he's speaking to me

00:18:00.360 in an inspirational way.

00:18:02.400 He wants me to leave here better than I came.

00:18:05.160 He wants me to leave here more inspired.

00:18:07.780 And it was good.

00:18:08.960 And that's how I felt.

00:18:10.020 I left there more inspired, had a couple of new ideas, um, and I left there more inspired,

00:18:15.040 but people were so friendly, man.

00:18:17.800 Everybody was so friendly.

00:18:19.000 And, uh, the stationary astronaut group that brought me out was, um, was amazing.

00:18:22.740 Uh, that song on the way in, um, was by Brooks Doherty and you could check that out.

00:18:29.000 We'll put a link to that if there is one, um, in the YouTube and in the comments.

00:18:32.720 Um, and that's Brooks, Brooks Doherty.

00:18:34.680 And, uh, and yeah, we've all got those truths or those things that we keep or that woman 0.97

00:18:40.620 or that ex or that we've all got something that we keep about 200 miles away.

00:18:46.280 We've all got something that we keep at arm's length.

00:18:48.760 You know, we've all got something that, you know, it's hard to, you know, sometimes, and

00:18:55.720 sometimes that's where it needs to be.

00:18:57.760 Sometimes that's where it needs to be.

00:19:00.140 Uh, thank you to everybody that came out of Minneapolis.

00:19:01.960 Um, look, I'll be honest, that theater was a dump and it was, and the staff was great.

00:19:08.160 Am I saying that the staff wasn't, wasn't great, man?

00:19:10.620 Uh, they had a young man there who we didn't have, there was no lighting to take photos

00:19:14.080 afterwards.

00:19:15.320 Um, uh, the microphone wasn't why it wasn't a wire mic.

00:19:19.880 Like, um, you know, the stage and I, I just, I'd say this to apologize.

00:19:24.980 I'm not even really trying, I'm not trying to offend the venue.

00:19:26.840 You know, the play, it just, it is what it is, right?

00:19:32.380 Um, I'd never been there.

00:19:34.080 I didn't know, uh, what it was like.

00:19:36.260 I think we made the best of the situation.

00:19:38.880 The stage had a hill, it had this, like, messed up part in the flooring of the stage where

00:19:44.920 when I stepped on it, it, like, made this da-dunk sound.

00:19:48.560 It sent out this Morse code.

00:19:50.200 So as I'm walking around, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk.

00:19:52.800 And, uh, and so then the first show, I couldn't even, I couldn't even be mobile because there

00:19:57.020 was no way to walk back and forth.

00:19:58.140 There was, like, a little hill, uh, almost in the middle of the stage.

00:20:01.460 So it just made it extremely uncomfortable.

00:20:03.380 And the lighting, the lighting wasn't good.

00:20:06.040 You know, they had these, these very dim purple lights on us.

00:20:09.000 So I want to apologize to the people that came out to the first show.

00:20:12.560 Um, the second show, they got the lights going, you know.

00:20:15.900 I said, hey, man, we got to turn these lights up.

00:20:17.540 What is this?

00:20:18.560 And we had them fix the stage and make it flat because, like, it's a stage.

00:20:21.820 Should be flat.

00:20:23.560 And, uh, and they helped out, man.

00:20:25.680 They adjusted as much, you know, accordingly.

00:20:27.800 And the second show, I felt like we really were able to really just, uh, do better.

00:20:34.460 Um, it still wasn't ideal.

00:20:36.180 You know, I had a lot of fans that reached out and, you know, uh, made comments and stuff.

00:20:40.380 And I'm sorry.

00:20:41.860 You know, I want to apologize.

00:20:43.320 I didn't know.

00:20:45.040 Um, and so I feel some responsibility because I want it to be the best.

00:20:47.860 I want it to be, look, man, I'm excited to come.

00:20:50.320 Um, and I wanted to be there and, I don't know.

00:20:53.500 I just felt like I let some people down a little bit.

00:20:55.320 Uh, but, but anyhow, we'll, you know, if we go back there again, we'll make sure everything's

00:21:00.800 shined up or we'll go somewhere else or we'll see how it goes.

00:21:03.520 But, um, but I was definitely grateful to be there.

00:21:06.740 And we, you know, both shows were sold out and, you know, we've got some great pictures

00:21:11.220 afterwards with the strap, uh, and I wish the lighting had been better.

00:21:14.800 I know they did the best they could.

00:21:15.960 They brought in like some floodlights from a construction site or something.

00:21:19.300 Uh, so look, sometimes that's how we have to do it.

00:21:24.260 And people in Minnesota are so kind and friendly that everybody was so supportive.

00:21:27.720 I saw a couple of mullets out there and, uh, you know, what's interesting about the mullet,

00:21:34.680 man?

00:21:35.780 Um, what's interesting about it is, so look, so I have this haircut and to me, this feels

00:21:42.620 like just a regular adult man's haircut. 0.98

00:21:46.100 You know, the kind of guy who definitely is down to fuck, you know, but also has some 1.00

00:21:50.920 erectile issues. 1.00

00:21:52.360 You know what I'm saying?

00:21:53.280 That's that patented straight up modern man cut. 0.78

00:21:56.720 You know what I'm saying?

00:21:57.580 I'm talking about half mast, baby. 1.00

00:21:59.540 You want that penis and it's going to be kind of, you know, it'll be decently long, but it's 1.00

00:22:03.500 going to be a little bit squishy. 1.00

00:22:05.140 You know, if you want that super hard keck, you know, you might want to go travel back in

00:22:09.780 time about 20 years when that thing was really pertinent.

00:22:13.080 But, um, or when I was about 17, you know, when I was just running on full spring.

00:22:18.680 Um, cause I also, some people don't even know this.

00:22:21.860 Uh, you know, I was born when I was about five, maybe four or five years old, I had an 0.91

00:22:27.060 adult penis at four or five. 0.97

00:22:29.700 And some people were like, well, what are you talking about? 0.99

00:22:32.400 And what I'm talking about is exactly what I just said is that I had that, I had that

00:22:38.220 AP, you know, that early, that adult pianist, you know? 0.90

00:22:42.740 And I'm talking about fucking, you know, Vincent Van, you know, that, I had that Vincent Van 0.99

00:22:50.020 gang, bro. 0.99

00:22:51.500 You know, I had that straight up, that pianist. 0.99

00:22:54.680 And I know Vincent Van Gogh isn't a, is it, didn't play the piano, but I had that fucking 0.97

00:22:58.940 Vincent Van gang, that pianist, you know? 0.97

00:23:02.480 That human adult pianist at five years old. 0.99

00:23:05.460 And a lot of people think it's cool and stuff having a man's penis, having a, you know, 0.98

00:23:10.920 that MCZ, that man kick at a young age, but it isn't, you know, it's heavy. 0.97

00:23:17.080 Um, it strains, it's strain on your legs, on the side of your legs, even strains on your

00:23:22.780 shoulders and stuff a little.

00:23:24.380 But here was the crazy part. 1.00

00:23:25.840 And I grew into my penis and this happens. 0.99

00:23:27.720 It's very rare. 0.98

00:23:28.300 It happens in few people, you know, probably maybe, I think, I don't know if I've seen a

00:23:32.500 lot of numbers. 0.62

00:23:34.180 I had a, I mean, I had all kinds of penile issues growing up and it's crazy. 0.96

00:23:38.640 We've talked about some of them before, you know, had a very small wiener hole. 0.96

00:23:43.580 And so when I would urinate, it would, I mean, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:23:48.580 I could, I could hit a fucking soybean on a cat's back from probably about maybe nine feet 0.99

00:23:55.960 away. 0.99

00:23:57.380 And that is, I mean, and I could just, and I could even, here's what I could do.

00:24:00.700 I could wash a couple, I could wash a couple of pieces of sea salt off the top of a soybean

00:24:05.340 on a cat's back.

00:24:06.900 So that fine, that's fine of a stream because I had a small, I don't know what it's called

00:24:11.240 and a doctor would know better than I would.

00:24:12.860 I had a very small wiener hole and that's what people call it that aren't doctors.

00:24:16.820 And, and I had that thing.

00:24:18.580 And so I could, you know, I had that flow, but then I had to go and get it surgically opened

00:24:22.160 up because it was too, I mean, it got to the point where I was getting older and it was

00:24:26.640 13 feet, 14 feet, you know, and people are paying money to see me piss and it would just 0.62

00:24:31.760 get crazy and, and it burned and it burned the inside of my body. 0.99

00:24:36.800 Anyhow, but I had an adult man's penis at a young age and, um, and the hard part about 0.99

00:24:42.360 having that when you're young is that trying to sleep, you think it's walking around and 0.99

00:24:49.180 stuff like that.

00:24:49.640 You get used to that.

00:24:50.500 You know, your body get kind of your, your thighs get strong, you know, your thighs get 0.82

00:24:55.560 real cock ready because they have to, you know, they have to transport, you know, real 0.98

00:24:59.900 cock every day, even at a young age. 0.99

00:25:02.920 But, um, but sleeping.

00:25:07.900 And if you, sometimes I would fall asleep on my own wiener, I can't even know what I'm talking

00:25:12.280 about this, but I'll fall asleep on my own wiener and it would make me sick because the pressure

00:25:17.260 of it just pushing against my young belly at night would make me almost vomit.

00:25:21.820 Um, but anyhow, what were we talking about?

00:25:24.960 Uh, Gary Varnichok.

00:25:27.000 Mm.

00:25:27.940 Oh, we're talking about, uh, your body.

00:25:35.660 No, we're talking about, um, oh, I don't know.

00:25:40.840 Thank you to the Mayo Clinic.

00:25:42.000 Thank you to everybody that came out of Minneapolis.

00:25:43.520 I still had a great time.

00:25:44.400 Um, man, what were we talking about?

00:25:47.880 Your body.

00:25:49.260 We're talking about growing up.

00:25:50.740 No, we're talking about when I was young. 1.00

00:25:54.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:25:54.420 I don't know. 1.00

00:25:54.960 Sorry, guys.

00:25:56.180 Uh, I got a gift.

00:25:57.500 You know, people bring you gifts sometimes on the road.

00:25:59.340 Uh, some man brought me a couple of G pig skulls, couple of Guinea pigs, you know, them 1.00

00:26:04.300 fucking Guinea craniums, you know, and I'm not talking about Italians. 1.00

00:26:07.360 I'm talking about the small animals and it's a couple of dude brought me a couple of Guinea 0.99

00:26:11.340 craniums, um, and I don't know how this dude got it.

00:26:15.300 I mean, this, and I will, uh, I'll try to put a picture of him in here.

00:26:20.040 He brought me the skulls of, of Guinea pigs and then they were all doctored up.

00:26:25.200 You know, he had literally dark art in them and he, you know, made them fancy.

00:26:29.200 And I mean, these are the kinds of things that this is had a little bit of witchery in

00:26:33.320 them, a little bit of Wiccan.

00:26:35.300 And this was, uh, and they were beautiful.

00:26:38.120 One of them said onward and one of them said dark arts and they were beautiful little skulls.

00:26:42.460 And I don't know if he'd, you know, been doing soup or what he'd been doing, but, um, but

00:26:47.520 that was a nice gift.

00:26:48.460 I got another gift that came in.

00:26:49.800 I'm just going to show it to you.

00:26:50.680 And people bring things.

00:26:51.540 Sometimes I, you know, sometimes I bring them on the show.

00:26:53.340 Sometimes I don't.

00:26:53.880 This is a t-shirt somebody brought me in, uh, and it stinks, honestly, and that's okay.

00:27:00.400 Um, and I just, you know, this, this shirt was given to me years back by my friend Garrett.

00:27:05.180 This is a letter that came with the shirt.

00:27:07.440 Uh, I don't get much action with it.

00:27:09.060 I just look like I'm drowning in nacho cheese.

00:27:10.960 It's kind of a yellow.

00:27:12.200 It is definitely a color that's very rare.

00:27:16.540 Um, anyway, Garrett's in Peru right now, teaching English to young adults.

00:27:20.640 As you know, being in another country can get lonely. 0.99

00:27:23.880 I sent him a link to your podcast videos and he is loving that shit. 0.99

00:27:27.240 He's been doing better and learning to love himself. 0.98

00:27:29.780 Uh, he was stoked that I'm getting to see you tonight.

00:27:32.760 So, uh, this was given to me in Minneapolis this weekend and it says, um, thank you for

00:27:39.480 what you're doing.

00:27:40.340 Uh, Luke, Luke Stanger and Luke.

00:27:43.320 Thank you, man.

00:27:43.880 And what I, uh, and I appreciate the shirt, dude.

00:27:46.600 And I will, you know, this smell like another man and that's the thing, brother, you know, 1.00

00:27:53.020 maybe it didn't even, it might be clean, but it smells like another man.

00:27:56.640 And it's hard, bro.

00:27:57.820 It's hard as an adult male to put on another man's shirt.

00:28:02.520 I mean, when it has so much of that man in it, I mean, this man has had this shirt for

00:28:07.440 probably seemed like about eight years.

00:28:08.620 That's a lot of man already baked in to that thread count. 0.58

00:28:14.960 That's like about probably maybe, maybe 70 thread count cotton and maybe 40 thread count

00:28:20.820 male.

00:28:21.880 And that's a lot.

00:28:24.020 And you know, it just makes you feel uncomfortable as a man, as a straight man.

00:28:29.120 Now as a gay man, it could feel differently.

00:28:30.900 I don't know.

00:28:32.460 Um, you know, there's some things that make me feel why like that.

00:28:36.220 I just, they're hard to do.

00:28:37.460 If you've ever, if a man has gotten out of bed, you've ever laid in that man's bed

00:28:40.740 immediately in his warm spot and you're a straight man, that is, that is, you know,

00:28:50.280 that does something to your neck, boy. 0.99

00:28:53.100 That'll make squirrels start nibbling at your neck, you know, and for, for gay men, it might 0.99

00:29:00.920 be fun. 0.90

00:29:01.440 It might be, you know, it might be like, you know, uh, body heat freeze tag or something.

00:29:05.900 I don't know what that's like.

00:29:07.180 And there's nothing wrong with that.

00:29:09.200 You know, it would make sense that that's a more of a comfortable realm, you know, for 0.99

00:29:14.520 that 98.6 fucking little love cave. 0.98

00:29:17.260 If you snuggle up in that thing, if your man's gets out of bed, but as a straight man, and 0.99

00:29:22.920 if another man gets out, you know, say if you climb into a dude's bed and he'd been in

00:29:27.080 there and you snuck in, you know, and he left to work or something, you've been sleeping 0.99

00:29:30.360 in his house on the couch with no covers and your buddy finally goes to work and you fucking 0.99

00:29:35.400 want to catch two more hours of Z's because you stayed up all night sipping on Zimas, you 0.91

00:29:41.180 know, and watching Judge Judy, then now you can, and you go slip into his bed, but you

00:29:46.020 catch a, there's still a little bit of his warmth in there.

00:29:48.620 Ooh, that'll make you tangle boy. 0.96

00:29:53.220 That'll make you tangle. 1.00

00:29:55.300 It makes you feel like just fucking somebody is just beating you in the neck with a fucking 1.00

00:29:59.440 bunch of soft little shovels. 1.00

00:30:01.900 It makes you feel uncomfortable, but that's how this shirt makes me feel a little bit.

00:30:05.420 And I'm grateful for this shirt.

00:30:06.500 It's got Michael Jackson on it, but also, you know, and I'm thankful to Garrett and everybody,

00:30:11.180 but, uh, but it's hard to wear another man's shirt like that. 0.57

00:30:14.240 But the beauty in it is even when the place isn't ideal and even when the show doesn't

00:30:20.080 go cause the lights, cause they're, you know, they're trying, they're changing the lights

00:30:23.340 in the middle of it and the sound, they don't even have a wired microphone in the joint that

00:30:27.760 they, um, that we get to have moments like this where somebody comes out and maybe a nice

00:30:34.260 note and you share it, Luke, and you share it.

00:30:37.260 You're not afraid to share some, you know, something with somebody else and you're not afraid

00:30:42.400 to, and that's nice, man.

00:30:43.520 And this, this meant a lot to me and I brought it back here to this podcast and I want to

00:30:47.940 thank you very much, man.

00:30:49.760 We also got this, this, a postcard came in and I'll put that into our, um, we do an anthrax

00:30:54.600 challenge where we open up a lot of mail, uh, every month and we'll put one of those up,

00:30:59.320 um, maybe, uh, at the end of this week as well.

00:31:03.100 We had a single mom that came out, uh, Emily.

00:31:06.700 So it was a lot of fun, man.

00:31:08.200 We went to eat before at a place like literally right across the street and there were some

00:31:12.820 people that were headed to the show, uh, and we had a nice time and, uh, we'll do a follow

00:31:17.700 up with her too.

00:31:18.720 So you guys can get a look at that.

00:31:20.160 We shot a little bit of video and, um, and thank you to so many people have reached out

00:31:24.860 to help out in different cities and start to do some cinematography and videography for

00:31:29.040 us.

00:31:29.740 Uh, and things are going to, things are coming along.

00:31:32.080 We're going to do some neat stuff, dude.

00:31:33.540 I got this idea that I want to do like a game show for me, like a cleaning lady in a

00:31:39.640 hotel room, right?

00:31:41.640 Because I've had some experience with cleaning ladies, dude. 1.00

00:31:43.720 One time, you know, some little vixen, you know, some little, uh, some little, uh, you 1.00

00:31:52.140 know, some little love, Daisy, some little lady, some little frulein, some little, uh, you 0.91

00:32:00.060 know, whispery, you know, whispery little wiener monkey, some beautiful lady, or maybe 1.00

00:32:06.700 not even beautiful, but decent looking, um, stayed over in my hotel room, right?

00:32:13.760 And she had in the middle of the night, you know, something happened.

00:32:16.340 And I'm not saying we did sex or anything like that.

00:32:18.920 We might've just been friends. 0.99

00:32:20.220 We might've fucking arm wrestled, bro. 0.99

00:32:22.400 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:32:22.880 I don't know. 1.00

00:32:23.200 That bitch might've been from New Jersey. 1.00

00:32:25.320 You know, we might've done each other's hair and arm wrestled. 1.00

00:32:27.800 Who knows?

00:32:28.700 But a lady stayed over and she had a mother nature hit her in the middle of the night, 1.00

00:32:34.920 you know, hit her down in that, you know, in that a positive aqueduct, you know, she got 0.93

00:32:39.780 a little bit of that period.

00:32:41.840 And I know that's kind of vulgar and I'm not trying to talk about it, but she got a little

00:32:44.800 bit of that men's stride.

00:32:45.900 Oh, you feel me?

00:32:47.180 You know what I'm saying?

00:32:47.820 She got a little bit of that, you know, that O negative aqueduct kind of opened up a little

00:32:51.700 bit.

00:32:53.200 And, um, and that's natural, dude.

00:32:56.200 That's totally natural.

00:32:57.380 You know, I can only imagine if they had eggs moving around in my body, I'd want to 0.98

00:33:01.900 fucking, you know, take a little heat off the engine every now and then, you know, and 0.99

00:33:07.840 do that, you know, and do a little bit of men's stride. 0.99

00:33:11.040 But, uh, so anyway, you know, um, you know, and it was okay.

00:33:16.900 It was, you know, we just kind of joked about it in the morning cause I wet the bed.

00:33:19.840 I was 30, 30, you know, I think the last time I really, you know, flowed out was when I

00:33:27.060 was 30, you know, and I used to, you know, just straight up run big yellow out into the

00:33:32.100 sheets.

00:33:32.500 And especially when I was a child, right?

00:33:36.280 Cause I would drink so much apple juice and man, I pissed big on apple juice, bro.

00:33:42.060 Nobody, I'll tell you this and I'll put this up against any, any child in America.

00:33:45.740 No child could wet the bed like I could when I was really out there as a child and I was

00:33:50.840 pissing at night.

00:33:52.760 Dude, I could wet the bed four times in a night, son. 0.95

00:33:56.820 I'm out in these sheet streets, baby.

00:33:59.440 You want to change these sheets?

00:34:00.740 Change them.

00:34:01.460 You better invite some ghosts over to the house cause we need more sheets. 1.00

00:34:06.700 You better invite a couple of clients, man, over here.

00:34:10.300 Cause we need to borrow some bedding, baby.

00:34:12.300 Cause I'm going to piss every sheet in this house, dude.

00:34:14.840 Dude, I'd wake up three, four times a night to change the sheets.

00:34:18.760 I'd wake up everybody.

00:34:19.860 If you had me sleep at your house, dude, I was that little mattress wrecker.

00:34:27.000 You know, I was that little dude.

00:34:28.680 I would just, I'd be rusting up the springs in that thing, boy.

00:34:32.420 You better put me on a, you know what I'm saying?

00:34:34.680 By the third time I stayed at your house, they had me sleeping in the dog bed.

00:34:38.520 I'm snuggling up between a Shih Tzu and a Wamaraner. 1.00

00:34:42.480 Cause my wiener gets wiener running.

00:34:45.140 Straight up just dropping urine out into the world. 0.68

00:34:48.880 And I would just urinate.

00:34:50.800 I mean, the second I closed my eyes, I think I was just, if anything, I think I was scared of the dark and I would piss myself.

00:34:56.180 I don't even did it.

00:34:57.340 But if I had apple juice, if daddy had a little sip of that AJ, cause the second I had any apple juice, I had it all.

00:35:03.840 I could hide a gallon in my gullet, but then in the middle of the night I would flow out.

00:35:08.720 I mean, I could just urinate.

00:35:11.980 Anyway, so this girl, you know, she had some menstrual and I had to tell the cleaning lady about it cause I felt bad.

00:35:18.460 You know, I felt, I didn't feel responsibility, but I felt like, you know, accidents happen, things happen.

00:35:24.380 And this is life.

00:35:25.120 We're in the world for 80 years.

00:35:27.180 Somebody's going to do a little bit of menstrual, you know? 0.98

00:35:30.720 And, um, and so anyway, cleaning ladies have to deal with stuff like that. 1.00

00:35:34.120 So what I'm saying is I would love to do a thing where we do like this surprise game show in the hotel room for a cleaning lady. 0.96

00:35:40.400 You know, like she's in there, suddenly we surprise her, jump out from behind some curtains and I don't want somebody fucking, you know, beating me down with a straight up one of them toilet cleanser things, you know, or beating me down with a can of Comet or something or straight up Windex and daddy in the face.

00:35:57.060 I don't want to, you know, so we have to be careful, but then maybe we do a couple of questions or something to have her win some money or something. 0.96

00:36:02.340 I don't know.

00:36:03.460 But, uh, but that would be another neat thing to do out on the road.

00:36:06.400 But, um, but we'll see, man, we're getting more, we're slowly, it's slow, it's slow here, but we're getting the wheels turning.

00:36:14.000 Um, what else I want to tell you guys, but that's what happens, man.

00:36:17.720 No matter what, when we're out on the road, if it's the, if it's the greatest setup, if it's not that most ideal setup, uh, you guys come out and we have a good time, you know, and we get the job done and we, and we meet up and we spend time together.

00:36:30.400 And it wasn't the most ideal way to spend time together.

00:36:33.180 Uh, after the shows, I like to spend a little bit more time, you know, and I felt flustered.

00:36:38.260 So I want to apologize to the people that came out to the first show, uh, that it just, we weren't able to create more organization in there.

00:36:45.040 And, uh, and that won't happen again, just cause I value that time, you know, I'm flying out there to do this.

00:36:50.660 I want to put, I want, you know, I want this to be a great experience.

00:36:53.400 I want this to be a lot of fun, you know, I feel grateful to be able to, to, to be, you know, joking around and I feel grateful that we're all doing, you know, we're out here doing this.

00:37:04.300 Uh, what else, man?

00:37:05.540 But that's a beautiful city, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota.

00:37:09.800 If you want to, you want to go to a place, you know, they say you go to a place where there's, you know, people go to the, the, the, the wizard wall or whatever in, uh, Israel or, or Palestine.

00:37:20.340 Or they go to the, you know, they go to, I don't know what that place is called, Jerry's volcano or whatever, someplace, you know, where they're think there's like magic, you know, old faithful.

00:37:32.420 They have, um, what else?

00:37:35.340 Bermuda triangle places where they think there's magic in the world.

00:37:38.720 You want to know about one of those go to a Rochester, Minnesota, because the love that has to be in that city, you know, I was talking to a bartender that worked there and she said, you know, it's really tough because if you,

00:37:50.080 if you, if you're serving a drink to somebody and, and you say, where are you from?

00:37:56.620 If they say from a different town or a different city, then, you know, they're probably in the city, uh, because someone that they, and that they love or somebody in their family needs long-term care.

00:38:07.640 So she said, it's kind of wild because you have to have conversations constantly with people, um, where there's real feelings involved, where there's real emotions.

00:38:16.720 And, uh, and I think that's special, man.

00:38:19.960 There's something about that, you know, where life is on the line, you know, where life is on the line and people are out there, um, you know, doing their best to love one another.

00:38:30.620 And I can imagine, man, that's, that's gotta be a special place they have going on up there.

00:38:34.500 And I don't know if a city could, if a, if, if every state could do it, but Minnesota can do that because they got a lot of big hearts up there.

00:38:41.420 You know, a lot of their brain is in their heart and the other stuff in their head, the brain in their head that just wants cheese and it wants to cheer for the Vikings.

00:38:50.940 But that real brain in their heart, man, I think is, uh, is thinking and tanking about love all the time.

00:38:58.420 Oh man, what else, dude?

00:39:01.280 I'm fricking what's going on.

00:39:03.620 Um, uh, you know, I'm kind of struggling with some stuff in my life.

00:39:09.240 I've been struggling with like, um, you know, I just, I just want to do, you know, it's hard doing business, man.

00:39:17.320 Doing business, I don't like doing, I like, I like staying busy.

00:39:22.660 But sometimes I don't like doing business because it, it makes me feel sometimes dirty.

00:39:35.180 I don't know if that makes any sense.

00:39:37.820 Um, it makes some business, like, uh, I, I don't know.

00:39:46.700 It just makes me feel, it's uncomfortable sometimes.

00:39:50.760 You know, you want to do, you want to succeed, you want to achieve.

00:39:55.320 Um, but I don't, I don't know.

00:39:57.700 It's just, I don't know.

00:39:59.760 Um, what else?

00:40:00.980 We got some, we got some dope calls that came.

00:40:03.600 I'm not really switching gears yet.

00:40:05.880 We got some, we got Jocko Willink coming on this week, a Navy SEAL.

00:40:10.400 I mean, this man has done it all very inspirational and I'm hoping to catch some more inspiration from him.

00:40:15.140 Uh, we got Jeannie Buss, uh, the daughter of, uh, you know, that she's that Laker lady. 1.00

00:40:20.960 And they just got LeBron James over there, uh, the daughter of Jerry Buss. 0.97

00:40:24.360 And we're going to talk about some things.

00:40:25.340 I'm excited.

00:40:25.860 She's a beautiful lady, uh, extremely charming. 0.99

00:40:29.100 Um, so I'm excited to spend some time with her.

00:40:31.600 You know, we got some, uh, some feedback that came in last week's episode.

00:40:35.600 We talked about if you had to have lunch with somebody, you could have lunch with one other person.

00:40:40.400 Who would it be?

00:40:41.580 I talked about some family members that I would have lunch with.

00:40:44.820 Um, and, uh, and then you guys made some calls in.

00:40:49.720 So I want to get to a couple of those calls.

00:40:51.500 Thank you for those.

00:40:52.380 Here we go.

00:40:53.740 Hey, Phil.

00:40:54.920 It's, uh, Sophie here from Nova Scotia, Canada.

00:40:58.660 Oh, Sophie up from that Scotch, huh?

00:41:01.220 From that no Scotch.

00:41:03.960 And, uh, a Scotch, where I'm from, a Scotch is just a little bit of space.

00:41:09.100 You know?

00:41:09.880 Like, won't you move them breasts on over a Scotch, you know? 0.95

00:41:13.860 That was one of my pickup lines in junior high school. 0.64

00:41:17.480 You know? 0.85

00:41:17.900 Won't you move them breasts on over a Scotch? 1.00

00:41:22.060 And then I'd get slapped. 0.96

00:41:24.620 Um, dude, I remember now, and I'm thinking about it, when I was in, you know, junior high.

00:41:31.480 And, uh, and that's when a lot of girls first start letting you, you know, be wild with you. 1.00

00:41:36.780 Actually, this was in high school.

00:41:38.340 This was in high school.

00:41:39.840 When I was in high school, a lot of ladies, they let you start getting a little bit, you know, 1.00

00:41:45.160 everybody had their bodies just on front street.

00:41:48.500 Actually, their brains and their, their hormones were on front street and their bodies were right there on back.

00:41:53.140 Women kind of had their bodies on back street. 1.00

00:41:55.740 Men had their bodies on front street.

00:41:58.380 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:41:59.300 You'd hear, dude, I'd hear a dog howl three blocks away and I'd have to jerk off. 0.99

00:42:04.060 You know? 0.97

00:42:04.760 And I, and look, people know, and I joke about that kind of stuff and I've struggled with it.

00:42:08.120 And here I am, you know, 20, you know, 20 years later, still not the same thing.

00:42:13.920 But if I see two dogs fighting, bruh, I get a little chubbed up.

00:42:19.580 But, you know, I'm still battling these dark arts, man. 1.00

00:42:25.160 I'm still battling just keeping my hands off my own dang, off my own dang lang.

00:42:29.680 Anyhow, what was I saying?

00:42:34.220 Oh, God.

00:42:35.360 My brain is dead today.

00:42:37.060 What was I, uh, uh, oh.

00:42:42.060 Oh, somebody called in.

00:42:43.940 Where, where was this call from?

00:42:45.260 Let's start it again.

00:42:47.100 Hey, Phil.

00:42:48.040 It's, uh, Sophie here from Nova Scotia, Canada.

00:42:51.400 And, oh, yeah, that's Scotch.

00:42:53.820 You try to get the ladies to move on over a Scotch. 0.92

00:42:56.160 Well, I remember when I was in, uh, you know, when I was young, when I was a child and I was getting to be a tall child.

00:43:02.760 And, look, here's the crazy thing about me. 0.99

00:43:04.480 I had that, you know, I had that adult wiener and my body was constantly trying to catch up to my dick. 0.99

00:43:10.380 And that's, that's hectic for a kid, you know, just to feel your body just kind of racing. 0.99

00:43:15.460 It's almost like your body's chasing your penis. 0.99

00:43:17.280 Because you have that adult-sized penis and your body's just, you know, so I was, I would get tall pretty fast. 1.00

00:43:23.480 I'd hit these spurts, you know. 0.99

00:43:25.000 My body would just Carl Lewis overnight and then I would be, you know, seven inches taller the next day.

00:43:30.880 Then I'd fall asleep in a, in a, in a, um, in a long shirt.

00:43:34.180 I'd fall asleep in a, in a large and I'd wake up in a, in a medium.

00:43:39.060 That's how it was.

00:43:40.460 I mean, that's when you, you know, I'd sprout a couple ribs.

00:43:43.980 I'd sprout four ribs overnight. 0.99

00:43:45.500 I'd fall asleep with six ribs and I'd wake up with damn nine or ten. 0.97

00:43:50.640 You know, ten because they come in two at a time. 0.97

00:43:54.180 And, and that's just how it is when you're young.

00:43:55.960 Your body's growing.

00:43:57.960 And especially, uh, anyway, I remember in high school, you know, a lot of girls, you know, guys were so eager and girls were still, you know, a lot of, you know, girls, it's their, they got to protect the body.

00:44:10.280 Because men, our nature is out there, we're, we're that electric current.

00:44:13.600 But, you know, and women, um, they, uh, don't want you hanging out in their socket. 1.00

00:44:21.700 But, and, I remember this one gal, and she, uh, you know, but she cared about me. 1.00

00:44:32.020 And she would, what she would do, she said, well, how about this?

00:44:35.140 I can't make, you know, I can't let you touch my body, but I'll go in the other room.

00:44:38.880 And this would be at night.

00:44:39.960 We'd be over at her parents' house.

00:44:41.320 And she'd go in the other room, in the dining room, and her parents would be asleep. 0.82

00:44:46.020 She'd go, I'll let you sit here in the kitchen and listen, and I'll go in the dining room and play with my breasts. 1.00

00:44:52.420 And, um, and so, man, I would, bro, you don't think you could hear good, right? 0.81

00:45:00.020 Dude, I could hear like a bat. 0.99

00:45:01.860 Suddenly, I turned from a human into a bat with an erection. 0.99

00:45:07.440 Bro, I could hear, oh my God, dude. 0.99

00:45:12.360 I could hear a, I could hear a tree fart in France. 0.99

00:45:16.680 I could hear a snail hiccup in fucking Nova Scotia, son. 0.99

00:45:21.880 Dude, when you are listening, you know, in ninth grade or whatever, when, you know, 1.00

00:45:26.760 when a woman says that she's willing to go in the other room and play with her breasts 1.00

00:45:30.940 so that you can pleasure yourself in the next room, and you're allowed to listen to that? 0.92

00:45:38.640 Dude, I could hear, I never heard so well in my whole life.

00:45:44.640 I could hear things that my grandmother used to think about, and she'd already been dead for a couple years.

00:45:49.380 I could hear things, dude, I could hear the past.

00:45:53.500 I could hear Ichabod Crane riding through town.

00:45:56.760 You know, on a horse, about the redcoats. 1.00

00:46:01.260 I could hear it all.

00:46:02.920 And that's one thing I remember about being young.

00:46:05.100 But anyway, that's what our skosh reminds me of that. 0.54

00:46:08.060 Let's hear a little bit more.

00:46:09.280 Thank you for calling, sir.

00:46:10.320 We're talking about who we'd want to have lunch with.

00:46:13.540 And I can tell you right now, that would be Socrates.

00:46:17.120 Well, first thing is, is I've postponed it.

00:46:19.760 Is this Jordan Peterson?

00:46:20.940 This sounds like Jordan Peterson, doesn't it?

00:46:23.060 Let's keep listening.

00:46:23.880 Come up with some excuse so I can get to supper.

00:46:25.540 Because supper is a way better chance to talk to people.

00:46:27.800 You get to be there longer and everything tastes better than lunch.

00:46:30.280 But after that, like Socrates, he's just so fascinating.

00:46:34.540 I mean, this dude literally chose to die on the sword of his own friggin', like, principles.

00:46:40.140 He was accused of introducing new gods and corrupting the youth by just making people question through Socratic, you know, method of questioning.

00:46:46.720 Which is something I'm absolutely in favor of.

00:46:50.060 It's helped me and my friends.

00:46:52.560 Well, mostly me just arguing with everybody.

00:46:54.440 But he's just amazingly knowledgeable and wise.

00:46:59.940 Like, not smart, wise.

00:47:01.180 And I think wise people are, there's something key about them.

00:47:04.700 And I think that where he didn't write down anything, that was another thing about Socrates.

00:47:10.140 He didn't write down nothing.

00:47:11.960 Oh, man.

00:47:12.340 He reminds me of my dad a little bit. 1.00

00:47:13.680 That dude, he didn't write down shit. 0.99

00:47:16.300 But onward. 0.99

00:47:17.780 So, Plato reinterpreted everything.

00:47:19.340 I want to hear word for word what the hell came out of Socrates' mouth.

00:47:22.340 I think he's one of the most influential humans out there.

00:47:24.800 Well, thank you for that call.

00:47:25.920 I appreciate that coming out of Canada.

00:47:27.240 Man, I love Canada.

00:47:28.920 Can we make more Canadas?

00:47:31.420 Dude, I would love to.

00:47:32.340 We could trade half of these countries and make them Canadas. 0.66

00:47:34.680 And I would absolutely love it.

00:47:37.960 Thank you for calling Socrates.

00:47:39.540 You know, I don't know that much about Socrates.

00:47:41.580 But I'm going to put him on my learning list.

00:47:44.240 I'm going to put Socrates on my learning list, man.

00:47:46.680 You know, right now I'm reading a book called Why We Sleep.

00:47:49.080 And it's pretty fascinating.

00:47:50.820 But I would love to learn a little bit more about Socrates.

00:47:53.040 Socrates, thank you for calling.

00:47:55.360 That's who you would have lunch with.

00:47:56.540 Actually, you'd like to have dinner, you said.

00:47:57.920 But it could be a little bit longer.

00:47:59.320 And that's the truth.

00:48:00.120 Let's hear another call.

00:48:01.000 Thank you.

00:48:01.620 What's up, Theo?

00:48:02.220 It's Johnny.

00:48:02.780 I was just thinking about who would I have dinner with.

00:48:05.840 Thanks for thinking about that, Johnny.

00:48:07.440 And for everybody, the hotline, if you want to call and be a part of the show somehow,

00:48:10.840 985-664-9503.

00:48:14.260 That's how you get involved in this past weekend.

00:48:18.480 Onward, Johnny.

00:48:19.880 And I know it's time of basic answer for Walt Disney, man.

00:48:23.040 Ooh, Walt Disney.

00:48:24.900 Hmm.

00:48:25.700 That mousy man, huh? 1.00

00:48:27.940 He liked them crazy rides.

00:48:29.460 He liked Cinderella.

00:48:30.920 He liked Snow White, that lady. 0.97

00:48:32.720 She ate some apples and slept over there.

00:48:35.400 You know, a little trap house with a bunch of little soldiers running around.

00:48:39.360 Let's hear more.

00:48:39.900 If he was not, he made an empire on number one, that would be the coolest thing to ask

00:48:44.320 him, like, how he did that.

00:48:45.640 But two, he was into the dark arts, man.

00:48:48.160 He was doing drugs with Dali and making Alice in Wonderland and the grumpy and all those guys. 0.74

00:48:55.400 That guy was on drugs.

00:48:56.400 No one can look at me in the eyes and tell me that he wasn't high as hell.

00:49:00.640 You know, that's pretty fascinating.

00:49:02.380 You know, he might have been on some dope.

00:49:05.400 Who was he hanging out with, Muhammad Ali? 0.99

00:49:08.740 Damn, that's crazy. 0.99

00:49:09.940 I didn't even know that. 0.99

00:49:11.740 I'm surprised Cinderella doesn't have fucking bigger shoulders on her, if that's the case. 1.00

00:49:15.440 But you never know, boy. 0.99

00:49:17.940 You never know. 0.99

00:49:19.360 Comes midnight, mama's about to fucking fist fight a pumpkin, you know? 1.00

00:49:23.140 Mama, dude, come midnight, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:49:26.620 If these glass fighting boots don't fit, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to shoulder press 0.99

00:49:31.040 a squash. 0.99

00:49:32.220 A squash, I mean.

00:49:33.220 I'm going to shoulder press a squash.

00:49:34.760 A squash.

00:49:36.420 Squash?

00:49:37.340 Squash.

00:49:37.920 Not a squash.

00:49:40.400 That would be interesting, though, Walt Disney.

00:49:42.280 Walt Disney, to think up all of that and make something come true.

00:49:48.220 Yeah, it's interesting to think, man.

00:49:50.300 You know, it's fascinating to have some of your dreams start to come true, man.

00:49:57.020 You know, even this weekend, dude, honestly, like, you know, I got to have my name.

00:50:02.020 My name was on the, I'm surprised they even had a thing on this theater.

00:50:07.760 But my name was out there on it, on that marquee.

00:50:10.320 And that was pretty cool, my name's never been on that marquee before.

00:50:14.280 So to have that was pretty cool.

00:50:16.920 You know, just to see it, it's not, and it didn't make me feel like I'm great.

00:50:22.600 It just made me feel, it just made me feel some pride.

00:50:27.860 You know, it made me feel like, you know, you go so long with your name being, like, I mean.

00:50:34.860 Man, because here's the thing.

00:50:36.220 In the beginning, your name is in such, your name is in some shady places.

00:50:40.340 I remember writing my name just in a bathroom wall.

00:50:42.860 Like, I remember I'd go to the club a couple weeks in advance or months in advance. 0.99

00:50:46.620 And I'd write, hey, I'm going to be performing here on these dates and just graffiti the fucking toilet wall. 0.98

00:50:53.640 Telling people to come out. 0.98

00:50:55.560 Dude, I remember doing a show up in North Dakota or South Dakota one time.

00:50:58.460 Whichever one of those has Mount Rushmore.

00:51:00.300 And I think they keep moving it back and forth, honestly. 0.99

00:51:02.760 So I wish these Dakotas would figure out where they want those fucking, those fancy heads at. 1.00

00:51:08.140 But they had a parrot in there, in the bar. 1.00

00:51:12.020 Dude, this was three years ago.

00:51:15.000 Maybe two.

00:51:16.480 They had a parrot.

00:51:17.900 Dude, I went to this show.

00:51:18.820 They had probably nine people showed up.

00:51:21.100 One of the guys at my opener was a beautiful Native American gentleman.

00:51:28.400 And he ran a weekly night called Custer's Last Stand-Up.

00:51:33.860 So that's awesome as hell, I think.

00:51:37.640 And they had a parrot in this bar.

00:51:40.960 They had a parrot, a real parrot.

00:51:42.240 One you see, you know, on the Froot Loops or something.

00:51:46.180 You know, and he, he was on a parrot stand in the bar.

00:51:51.820 And you could talk to him if you wanted to.

00:51:53.900 The only thing it had a sign that said, you can't call them names.

00:51:57.420 And man, it's so funny.

00:51:59.060 You say you can't call something names, and immediately that's what people want to do.

00:52:02.640 And dude, I swear to God, bruh.

00:52:05.020 Right in the middle of the show, man, one person to go to the bathroom.

00:52:08.960 So that's about 14% of the audience got up, walked by that parrot. 0.99

00:52:13.100 And you heard the dude who was walking by called it a bitch. 0.99

00:52:16.780 And that parrot lost his bird brain. 1.00

00:52:22.000 And then the bartenders got upset.

00:52:24.440 They threw the man out.

00:52:25.940 14% of the audience out on the street just because he couldn't, he just couldn't, he couldn't recognize that sign. 1.00

00:52:32.620 You can't call a parrot a bitch. 0.98

00:52:33.920 That's the only rule they had in the joint. 0.99

00:52:37.380 There's something about us, man, as humans.

00:52:40.040 You tell us we can't, we want to do it. 0.99

00:52:41.860 And it's the same thing you tell us we can't, like even in something as small as, oh, you can't, you can't call the parrot a bitch. 1.00

00:52:48.920 And I'll be, damn, if I ain't slipping by to take a whizzer, and I'm going to drop that, hey, bitch, on that parrot. 1.00

00:52:55.360 But also, they tell you you can't achieve your goals or your dreams, and you'll try to do that. 0.99

00:53:04.740 You know, it's just funny, it's that, it's almost like, how do we start to find a way to stack the deck against ourselves in order to better our chances to achieve?

00:53:14.460 Because some of us work better from behind the eight ball.

00:53:19.220 You know, I work best when my feet are to the fire, son.

00:53:21.820 I work best when I, I work best out of uncomfort.

00:53:28.040 You know, I think it's one of the reasons why I don't like to, you know, I get worried about feeling, you know, I get worried about, I get worried about feeling confident in myself sometimes.

00:53:41.720 Or I get worried about, not confident, I get worried about feeling, it's not confident, I get worried about feeling maybe proud of myself or something.

00:53:59.100 Or feeling, because I'm worried if I just, that it'll kill my drive or something.

00:54:07.720 You know, if I, if I start to, if I start to think that I'm doing well, that I'm afraid that, that I'll lose my, my ambition, my drive, you know.

00:54:24.440 I think there's, I don't know what that is, I'll have to think more about that.

00:54:28.120 Let's take another call that came in, a dinner guest, lunch guest actually.

00:54:33.060 Hey Theo, it's Evan here.

00:54:35.840 And what's up Evan, thanks for calling brother.

00:54:38.540 Canada.

00:54:39.560 Ooh, these Canucks boy, they coming in hot.

00:54:43.440 I'm telling you, man, build that wall to the north boy.

00:54:47.840 These ice backs are rolling through.

00:54:51.120 I'm joking, you guys are welcome.

00:54:54.940 You are welcome legally.

00:54:56.600 You are welcome here.

00:54:57.580 Onward.

00:54:58.320 From Ontario, Toronto.

00:55:00.500 Who would I have lunch with from the past?

00:55:04.180 Ooh, I'm intrigued about your, your answer because you're coming from a Canadian perspective.

00:55:09.940 So I'd like to hear this Canadian perspective, Onward.

00:55:13.100 It's a good one. 1.00

00:55:15.060 Fuck, I'd have lunch with Christ and be like, bruh, what's up? 1.00

00:55:20.180 How did it all go down? 1.00

00:55:22.000 Is this shit real in this book or is it fucked and was it fucking changed? 1.00

00:55:27.100 Well, dude, first of all, brother, you're sounding really American. 1.00

00:55:32.420 You're definitely easing down from Canada into Detroit all of a sudden.

00:55:36.380 You've crossed, you've crossed country lines because you're starting to use some real profanity around Christ.

00:55:42.380 Even hypothetically, you don't want to be dropping, you just dropped a couple of F-bombs even considering meeting up with that big C-dog. 1.00

00:55:51.460 You know, that's a good question.

00:55:52.420 Let's hear a little bit more of your thoughts on it.

00:55:54.240 You know, it's funny, man.

00:55:58.200 I think about this a lot, you know.

00:56:01.520 You know, out here in Los Angeles in some of this industry and stuff that I'm in, there's, it's not a rejection against Christ, but there's definitely, you know, religion isn't super welcome.

00:56:13.580 People want to be offended or people want, you know, a lot, there's this vibe out here.

00:56:17.620 Sometimes I feel like, oh, you're going to offend, oh, you can't have, you know, there's something weird about fate.

00:56:25.000 You know, or in some areas people are like thoughts and prayers, that kind of, people don't like that.

00:56:32.180 But man, I feel like faith is just such a healing thing for people.

00:56:37.380 Yeah, I feel alone.

00:56:39.080 I feel hitchhiking when I, you know, if I don't have some kind of a faith.

00:56:44.780 And I, you know, as I even talk about this, I realize that my faith isn't very strong right now and that it can really be tightened up.

00:56:52.200 And, but, yeah.

00:56:57.740 To feel, I mean, you know, having faith, that's a free parent.

00:57:01.680 You get a free parent.

00:57:06.640 I might, man, I'm not thinking I'm out here in this world, this is all for me, this is all on my back.

00:57:11.860 That I have no point, that I'm, that I don't have an umbilical cord to some sort of being.

00:57:17.060 Now, Jesus Christ, man, that was the most popular guy in my area growing up.

00:57:24.340 You know, I think a dude is a great role model.

00:57:28.360 He, I think he could be the son of God.

00:57:31.020 I think a lot, I think, you know, his brother could be.

00:57:34.340 Who's the little chubby guy, that positive baby, that little fruit, that bad boy eating fruits in the diaper.

00:57:39.340 Or Buddha, maybe Buddha's his brother.

00:57:44.120 And Mother Nature is their sister.

00:57:46.480 And Yin and Yang are their Asian cousins. 0.94

00:57:49.660 And you got this one big beautiful family of people that when we feel alone, we don't have to.

00:58:04.860 Or when we feel like we're not part of something, that we don't have to.

00:58:07.580 I can't, and look, I know some people out there are atheists and stuff, and they don't want to believe in anything.

00:58:13.200 And that's, you know, and I just, I can't understand it.

00:58:18.300 But I also come from a place where I think I've felt alone a lot.

00:58:21.780 And so, if you're telling me that there is a free person, there is a free being, a free body, a free parent, a free love, a free heart out there in the universe.

00:58:32.960 That will help me not feel alone.

00:58:38.300 Man, come on.

00:58:41.300 That's a lottery ticket that I don't have to scratch, man.

00:58:44.380 I'll take that all day.

00:58:47.740 I'll take that all day because I want to be a part of something bigger.

00:58:50.740 I don't want to be a part of just myself.

00:58:54.180 You know?

00:58:54.520 And I want to leave here, and I want to feel something again.

00:59:01.120 I want to feel something again, even if it's just the feeling of your spirit touching the spirit of your parents or of your grandparents or of your sister or of one of your ancestors or somebody else's.

00:59:14.140 Just a feeling of your spirit bumping into somebody else's in another world that's safe and normal and comfortable.

00:59:21.040 Maybe not even normal.

00:59:23.440 Some new normal.

00:59:25.240 I don't know.

00:59:26.600 I'll take that chance, man. 1.00

00:59:28.720 Fuck, I'd love to be a ghost, bro. 1.00

00:59:30.920 Dude, could you imagine if we get to be ghosts? 1.00

00:59:35.740 It's got to be so much fun.

00:59:39.260 Imagine being ghosts.

00:59:40.740 You eat, everything you eat just falls right onto the floor.

00:59:44.960 I would love that.

00:59:48.380 I think Jesus Christ would be a great guest.

00:59:50.780 I think he'd be great to talk to.

00:59:52.820 I think that'd be a nice person to sit down and have lunch with.

00:59:57.120 You know?

00:59:58.140 I think it's a great role model.

01:00:01.200 You know, I don't want to not have any faith, man.

01:00:05.960 I feel like it's odd.

01:00:08.340 I don't want to not have any.

01:00:10.140 And now I'm open to figuring out where that faith lies.

01:00:14.580 You know, one thing that was interesting for me was when I started to travel and go to other countries

01:00:17.740 and see that other people believed in different deities and different gods.

01:00:23.640 It was not fair to me to then think,

01:00:25.780 oh, well, none of these people go to heaven

01:00:27.620 or none of these people go to an afterlife

01:00:29.500 or only my God is the only one.

01:00:31.280 But you've got to believe in something good.

01:00:37.260 Now, I ain't accepting any of these cats believing in the dark arts.

01:00:41.740 You know?

01:00:42.600 They're thinking all the treasures right here on earth.

01:00:44.660 That's tricky, man.

01:00:45.740 That's, it just seems cold.

01:00:50.120 It just seems, and look, I'm open to learn.

01:00:55.320 And, but for me, the way that religion has always been most comfortable in my life,

01:01:00.780 in my environment when I grew up was Catholicism or Baptists, you know, Presbyterians. 0.96

01:01:09.880 Dude, I thought Presbyterians were honestly lesbians. 1.00

01:01:13.540 I didn't know.

01:01:14.160 I thought, I didn't know.

01:01:14.740 I mixed it up when I was young.

01:01:17.800 Dude, and I would hear those bells ring, and I would, you know,

01:01:20.960 I'd be like, dang, they got a lot of ladies heading over there. 1.00

01:01:25.920 A lot of ladies, boy. 1.00

01:01:27.960 Gonna be packing into that building.

01:01:30.520 Because I thought Presbyterians were, you know, 0.99

01:01:34.320 straight up lesbians. 1.00

01:01:35.540 But, but it's different. 0.87

01:01:38.240 All right, let's hear more.

01:01:39.460 Hey, Theo, this is Kobe from Rome, New York.

01:01:42.520 Hey, Kobe from Rome, New York.

01:01:44.740 Just wanted to call in and answer the question you had about who I would go to lunch with.

01:01:50.460 And I know you said you didn't really want family members,

01:01:52.480 but I gotta say, man, it would be my dad.

01:01:54.840 He passed away when I was 15 from complications with diabetes.

01:01:58.460 Oh, man.

01:02:00.720 I'm sorry to hear that, dude.

01:02:02.400 I'm sorry to hear that, Cody.

01:02:03.320 I bet he loved you to the end of the world, man.

01:02:05.720 I bet he's still out there loving you.

01:02:07.260 And that's another reason.

01:02:08.300 Now, here's a reason why I want there, why I need something else out there.

01:02:12.580 Because it's not, here's why.

01:02:15.020 Here's a, here's why.

01:02:16.100 And this makes it not even about me.

01:02:18.340 I'm glad you, that you and I are thinking about this together right now, Cody,

01:02:21.720 because now, why do I want there to be an afterlife?

01:02:25.400 So that your dad can still be alive out there in some regard loving you.

01:02:36.780 That's why.

01:02:39.700 So then, you know what?

01:02:40.900 It's not even about me.

01:02:42.680 It's not even about, I don't need an afterlife for me now.

01:02:45.640 I don't need there to be a heaven for me.

01:02:47.380 I don't need there to be another realm where our spirits go or find comfort.

01:02:51.600 Now, I need there to be one for you.

01:02:55.320 Or not, I need to, I want there to be one for you so that Cody and his father will get to have some moments again.

01:03:02.780 That you'll get to, you know, you know, you know, uh, feel your father put his hand on the back of your neck right there.

01:03:11.720 You know, there's something magical about that when your dad puts, uh, his hand on your neck.

01:03:18.400 Um, it's the same thing.

01:03:19.840 I think when you see dogs, they bite their children by the neck.

01:03:22.720 It's, uh, there's something right in there.

01:03:24.900 That's where those nerves are, where we connect to our family.

01:03:29.160 And so now I don't need an, you know what?

01:03:31.120 Now I, this is all answered so much on my thoughts because I don't need it for me.

01:03:35.840 Now it's not even about me.

01:03:37.260 Um, why do I want to have faith now?

01:03:40.280 Because I want to have faith to somebody else.

01:03:43.020 This is cool, man. 0.99

01:03:44.040 Damn, dude, this is cool. 0.99

01:03:45.160 Thank you for calling. 0.99

01:03:45.800 Let's hear more.

01:03:47.120 Um, and he was a double amputee in a wheelchair.

01:03:52.260 A double amputee in a wheelchair, dude.

01:03:55.300 So he was really, that's like X games, bro.

01:03:58.540 Your dad was doing the X games before.

01:04:00.520 Maybe it was even realistic, man.

01:04:02.280 Onward.

01:04:02.600 Um, I took care of him a lot and because of that, I never really got to, never really

01:04:07.380 got to know him as much as I would want to.

01:04:09.900 Yeah.

01:04:10.720 Yeah.

01:04:11.080 Losing your father at that age, man, you're just not old enough.

01:04:14.640 Or my father passed at 16.

01:04:16.240 You're just not old enough to, you're almost old enough to start to really get to know

01:04:20.640 him, to ask him questions that a man would ask, you know?

01:04:24.620 Um, so I'd really like to sit down and have a meal with him.

01:04:28.260 Um, just kind of, like you were saying, uh, just kind of have him tell me anything, you

01:04:33.460 know, anything from his past, anything that was important to him.

01:04:36.920 Uh, so I could kind of have that in my life, but, um, yeah, it would definitely have to

01:04:41.860 be my dad.

01:04:42.960 Um, yeah, and, uh, I'm a long time listener, first time caller.

01:04:46.280 So this is pretty cool, man.

01:04:48.420 Uh, all right.

01:04:49.140 Thanks for everything you do.

01:04:51.800 Thank you, bud.

01:04:52.660 Thanks for calling in, man.

01:04:53.600 I didn't mean to cut you off, but, um, you know, I appreciate it.

01:04:58.260 Wow, dude, how crazy now, how crazy now?

01:05:03.820 And what a, what a, what a, what a, what a crazy answer we're thinking of that now I

01:05:09.680 don't need, if somebody is like, Oh, do you believe in heaven?

01:05:12.780 Well, I think there could, I'd love for there to be one because I know there are people out

01:05:17.660 there who want to see their loved ones.

01:05:20.580 So if it means that I got to suffer through another lifetime, another experience, then I'm

01:05:26.720 willing to do it.

01:05:28.260 Man, that's, that's cool. 0.99

01:05:30.100 Dude, that's fucking cool, bro. 0.86

01:05:31.940 You just helped me think of one of the best answers of, um, you know, and that's teamwork, 0.97

01:05:36.700 dude.

01:05:36.880 That's what, that's what we get when we are thinking and feeling together, bro.

01:05:41.540 I'm telling you, and maybe I'm crazy right now and I'm amped up, but now, you know what?

01:05:46.400 I don't, cause you know what?

01:05:47.420 I've been feeling, I've been feeling stressed out recently.

01:05:50.160 Cause I get nervous sometimes when, you know, putting your voice out there and there's, there's

01:05:55.300 such, there's such this vibe out there in the media that you can't have no religion. 1.00

01:06:00.140 You can't have a fucking faith, man. 1.00

01:06:01.640 Fuck that. 1.00

01:06:03.460 Fuck that shit. 1.00

01:06:04.620 You know, fuck anybody who tries to tell you, you need to feel alone. 1.00

01:06:17.760 You telling me I can get training wheels on my heart. 1.00

01:06:20.520 Come on, man.

01:06:28.960 I'll take them all day.

01:06:31.700 Now, do I know exactly how I feel in some of that and where I stand and who's the boss

01:06:36.580 and, you know, and Tony Danza, Jesus Christ, Alibaba, you know, and, um, you know, Jerry,

01:06:46.360 uh, Lawler or whatever.

01:06:48.260 No, I don't, I don't, but I'm a, I'm going to, I'm going to be a part of it while I'm here.

01:06:57.060 I'm going to learn while I'm here.

01:06:58.360 What do I have to lose?

01:07:00.940 And also who cares what I have to lose?

01:07:04.720 I'd love for there to be, I'd love for there to be a heaven so that other people can live

01:07:14.660 out their gains, man.

01:07:16.860 Come on.

01:07:19.260 That's cool, bro.

01:07:20.120 Thank you for calling.

01:07:21.360 Uh, let's keep some calls rolling in here, dude.

01:07:23.400 Here we go.

01:07:24.320 Hey, Theo, what's up?

01:07:25.720 This is Faith out of Pasco, Washington.

01:07:28.840 Hey, Faith out of Pasco, Washington.

01:07:30.700 And this is a call we'll, you know, I'd like to know who's listening to the podcast.

01:07:33.780 And so Faith is calling in.

01:07:35.300 Thank you, Faith.

01:07:36.320 I'm just over here slicing up some kielbasa.

01:07:39.040 Oh, you messing around with some kielbasa, huh, Faith? 0.98

01:07:44.220 Okay, you out there chirping on that sausage, huh? 1.00

01:07:47.780 You out there fucking around with that park. 1.00

01:07:51.360 Onward. 1.00

01:07:51.640 But, you know, he's listening.

01:07:53.520 And, uh, I'm a caregiver.

01:07:55.900 So I'm taking care of the elderly. 1.00

01:07:58.820 And, um, every night, I work night shift every night.

01:08:02.580 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:08:04.720 You know, we have such a, there's a, there's a huge epidemic going on right now in America.

01:08:08.820 Uh, you know, I was just talking to my mom about this today.

01:08:12.020 I want to, you know, my mom, she married, she married an older man.

01:08:19.160 You know, she's married to him now and he has Alzheimer's and he was in, uh, the war.

01:08:22.940 He was in a couple of wars.

01:08:24.460 And, uh, Mr. Charlie and some people, you've seen him on my Instagram story.

01:08:27.880 And there's a video on YouTube.

01:08:29.080 Um, and I'll share it this week on Twitter about my family where you can get to see my

01:08:34.800 family and what they're like.

01:08:35.920 And Mr. Charlie's in there and he was in a war and he got his trigger finger pretty bad.

01:08:40.560 And he wears these mittens, you know, he wears these, you know, adult mittens.

01:08:44.700 Um, but my mom has to take care of me as Alzheimer's, you know, and they don't have any money.

01:08:50.500 They don't have any, uh, any income.

01:08:53.440 And they have some, you know, my mother works, but it's not a lot of income.

01:08:58.000 Uh.

01:08:59.820 And that also reminds me, dude, there's a man that's been taking advantage of my mom,

01:09:03.380 making her work and not paying her fairly, I don't think. 1.00

01:09:07.420 So, we might have called that motherfucker this week. 1.00

01:09:09.880 That makes me mad. 1.00

01:09:11.160 Uh, sorry.

01:09:12.860 Um, but anyhow, you know, there's a lot of, uh, there's a lot of people out there who

01:09:19.560 haven't to take care of their spouse who's, who are struggling.

01:09:21.860 Uh, a lot of caregivers and it's a beautiful job.

01:09:26.080 Um, and a lot of people can't afford the care.

01:09:28.120 A lot of spouses can't afford the care. 1.00

01:09:29.360 So, my mother can't go do anything. 1.00

01:09:31.360 She can't go do anything without Mr. Charlie being there.

01:09:34.280 You know, so she got to go ride her paper route and stuff.

01:09:36.600 She got to have Mr. Charlie and he got Alzheimer's.

01:09:38.460 He's got to be in that shotgun seat.

01:09:40.420 You know, she just got him straddling in and he's just bouncing around.

01:09:43.020 So, he's just straight up having flashbacks and ducking grenades, you know, dodging nades

01:09:48.460 and, you know, eating invisible MREs just in his brain, you know, in the same time, they're

01:09:53.860 just trying to, you know, you know, drop off some news on wheels magazines out here to

01:09:57.840 these different gas stations and whatever.

01:10:00.440 And a lot of people, but it's because there's not, you know, there's no, there's no way to

01:10:06.280 get care for him.

01:10:07.680 You know, my mother doesn't make, I guess maybe there's not enough money there to get

01:10:11.200 pay for somebody to care for him all day.

01:10:13.980 So, anyway, a lot of people are dealing with family members with dementia.

01:10:18.220 That's what I'm saying.

01:10:18.940 And it's sweet that you care about these people.

01:10:21.020 Onward.

01:10:21.400 I listen to your podcast.

01:10:23.180 Man, it sure does help my shifts go by a lot faster.

01:10:27.480 The elderly people I take care of, they have Alzheimer's, dementia.

01:10:32.960 So, they're not like the usual folk you see walking around.

01:10:36.820 But I'm also an MMA fighter.

01:10:42.600 No, really?

01:10:44.740 Wow!

01:10:46.040 Oh, my gosh, dude.

01:10:47.080 And I'm so excited about Justin Poirier.

01:10:49.040 Boy, that Louisiana bad boy, you know. 0.69

01:10:51.220 That crazy crawfish.

01:10:52.960 He's supposed to fight Nate Diaz more.

01:10:56.240 I'm an amateur.

01:10:58.560 So, I'm still making my way up there.

01:11:01.300 But, hey, man.

01:11:02.600 Gotta do what you gotta do.

01:11:04.200 Make it to the top, I guess.

01:11:05.460 I also have a daughter and a husband.

01:11:08.560 Wow, so you out there.

01:11:09.580 This is my lady right there. 0.85

01:11:10.640 $100 baby right here.

01:11:13.020 That's my girl right there.

01:11:15.280 That $100 baby.

01:11:16.820 You about to get out there and get it on.

01:11:18.680 Put it on them, Cammy.

01:11:21.660 Dude, I will cheer you on.

01:11:23.420 I want to see.

01:11:24.200 I would love it if you could email me in a video of you whenever you go fight sometime.

01:11:31.520 It's just producer, email producer at TheoVon, T-H-E-O-V-O-N.com.

01:11:37.060 I'd love to hear that.

01:11:37.780 That's amazing.

01:11:38.820 Wow!

01:11:40.140 To know that you're out there, you know, just taking care of these dementias during the day

01:11:45.560 and you out there getting demented at night.

01:11:47.900 I love it.

01:11:48.660 That's beautiful.

01:11:49.400 Now, that's a very bright area of the dark arts there, and I love what you're doing.

01:11:53.480 Thanks for calling in, and thanks for listening to the podcast.

01:11:55.600 Theo, man, I'm calling in to let you know who's listening to the podcast.

01:11:59.700 My name's Matt G.

01:12:02.780 I'm a welder down here in South Carolina.

01:12:04.820 I build Caterpillar tractors.

01:12:06.920 Dang, Matt.

01:12:07.880 Well, thank you, dude.

01:12:08.760 Thanks for calling in.

01:12:09.680 I've never ridden on a Caterpillar tractor.

01:12:11.320 I've ridden on a John Deere.

01:12:13.000 You know, I used to work over there doing soybeans and corn and cotton right off the levee over there

01:12:20.160 over near Deere Park, Louisiana, in Vidalia.

01:12:24.820 And, man, I've always had fun on some of those tractors.

01:12:29.780 Onward, Matt.

01:12:31.020 Hey, I work 10 hours a day, sometimes, you know, 60 hours a week.

01:12:36.520 I've been listening to all kind of podcasts.

01:12:38.700 I heard you on the Joe Rogan show.

01:12:40.840 Yeah, man, I love Joe Rogan.

01:12:42.940 You know, I actually just got to speak to him on the phone today.

01:12:45.140 I called him, and he answered, and so I was so nervous kind of.

01:12:50.240 But he's like, we talked for a couple minutes, and then he's like, got to go, man, shooting

01:12:54.540 arrows in my backyard.

01:12:56.200 And it was just like the most Joe Rogan thing that could ever be happening.

01:12:59.640 But he just put a picture up of him and his golden retriever enjoying a run today, the

01:13:04.960 first run they've been on in like six weeks.

01:13:06.920 And he's an inspiring guy, you know.

01:13:09.400 So I'm glad that you listened to him.

01:13:12.060 Let's hear more.

01:13:13.500 Hey, man, I've been listening to you ever since.

01:13:15.120 I've listened to almost every one of your podcasts in probably about three weeks.

01:13:20.800 Wow, dude. 0.99

01:13:23.080 Damn, that's crazy, man. 1.00

01:13:25.860 That's too much. 1.00

01:13:26.560 Bro, that's almost as much of my voice as I've heard my whole life just going in my head.

01:13:31.100 Let's hear more.

01:13:31.880 You make me laugh.

01:13:33.740 You keep it upbeat.

01:13:37.160 You keep it out there for the simple man.

01:13:39.480 Something for everybody to laugh at. 0.99

01:13:40.820 But, you know, I deal with a bunch of cock sucking and a bunch of politics, a bunch of 0.99

01:13:45.300 backstabbing, a bunch of brown nosing. 0.99

01:13:47.200 You know, in the workforce nowadays, it seems like you've got to have a set of golden knee

01:13:51.320 pads and a brown nose to get anywhere.

01:13:53.020 And that ain't my game.

01:13:54.160 That ain't what I do.

01:13:55.340 So I go to work.

01:13:56.520 I stay in my backyard.

01:13:57.640 I wail.

01:13:58.300 I listen to you.

01:13:59.100 You keep me laughing, and I appreciate it, man.

01:14:03.520 Later.

01:14:05.360 Oh, thanks, Matt.

01:14:07.840 You know, you're so right about some of this.

01:14:12.420 It's like if we don't define our lane, what is my lane?

01:14:16.560 What is Matt's lane?

01:14:18.860 You go to work.

01:14:19.760 You want to be, you know, are you happy?

01:14:22.480 When do you define what your happiness is?

01:14:25.000 Because people can be out there chasing. 1.00

01:14:26.400 Dude, you can chase bullshit all your whole life. 1.00

01:14:30.480 You know, you can die with $10 million in the bank and own the whole fucking town, but 1.00

01:14:37.520 you don't know all your grandchildren's names. 1.00

01:14:40.400 You know, or you don't know, you don't know, you missed your, you know, you missed, you were

01:14:50.140 out of town on a business trip, you know, when your mother took her last breath.

01:14:54.940 You know, and these aren't things, these aren't threats or anything, but it's like you have

01:14:59.760 to define your lane.

01:15:03.040 Because what do you want to spend, as we start to get older, and especially as we just, as

01:15:06.800 we start to be alive, it's like, what do we want to spend our time doing?

01:15:12.360 You know, and I love listening to this guy, Gary Vaynerchuk, this weekend, but some of it's

01:15:17.220 like, man, I want to, I want to be business savvy some, and I want to be proactive, but

01:15:23.000 I want to also, I want to be careful because I don't, you know, I don't want to, I don't

01:15:33.440 want to be a business.

01:15:35.320 I want to be a person.

01:15:36.500 You know what I'm saying?

01:15:39.420 The Lord didn't put me, or whoever didn't put me down here, you know, Fatty, what's his

01:15:44.540 name?

01:15:45.680 Fruit Fatty with the diaper, Buddha, you know, Big Buddha didn't put me down here, you know?

01:15:54.880 Or David, or who are some of these other gods and stuff that they have?

01:15:58.960 Oh, here's one of my favorites, is the Indian, Ganesh, the Indian god.

01:16:04.140 Dude, get a cool Ganesh statue, it's like this elephant, and it pushes all the obstacles

01:16:08.500 out of your life.

01:16:09.620 Isn't that a cool one?

01:16:11.720 India has some beautiful deities.

01:16:14.080 I mean beautiful.

01:16:16.700 Beautiful people, man, you want to meet a beautiful culture, it's India.

01:16:22.220 Beautiful culture. 0.98

01:16:23.980 But look, man, I appreciate you fucking listening, dude. 0.99

01:16:26.080 And look, if shit gets haywired, bruh, here's what I say. 1.00

01:16:30.780 Snap you up a couple hits LSD or a little eight ball, and take that fucking forklift for 1.00

01:16:35.880 a ride. 1.00

01:16:37.440 You know what I'm saying, them big bad brown nosers out there? 1.00

01:16:40.860 I say you forklift up one of those fucking Mercedes Benzes or whatever. 1.00

01:16:45.820 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:16:46.420 And just do some fucking wheelies with that bitch on those forks. 1.00

01:16:51.100 Set that, put that thing all the way to the top, boy. 1.00

01:16:53.880 Dude, what we used to do is, when I used to work at a, I used to work at a welding shop,

01:17:00.320 man.

01:17:00.440 I worked outside, and we'd have to, you know, it was piping services.

01:17:03.680 We'd have to put, you know, put rubber on these piping, on pipes, fitters, on pipe fittings

01:17:09.280 so it wouldn't corrode each other when the fitting went on, when the brace went onto the

01:17:13.540 pipe.

01:17:13.800 Like, um, and my buddy would get high, dude, and look, I'd be running that forklift, my

01:17:19.700 buddy would get high, and he'd be on the, I'd move him up on the pallet to put something

01:17:23.800 up, and then what I would do is I'd go outside and put the pallet all the way to the top. 0.98

01:17:28.140 It'd be about 12 feet, and dude, he'd be up there at 12 feet high as fuck, and he'd be 0.98

01:17:33.300 so scared, bro. 0.97

01:17:34.420 Dude, I was watching him be up there just scared, let me down, let me down, man, I'm 1.00

01:17:42.740 telling the boss, what you gonna tell the boss, that you high as fuck, bro, that you 0.99

01:17:48.960 fucking smoking them giants on the job, come on, come on, man, thanks for calling, dude, 1.00

01:17:57.340 you just made my day, bro, and dude, look, you keep caterpillaring, bro, you keep caterpillaring, 0.98

01:18:03.640 man, you build them tractors, dude, you build them things, man, and if I see, when I see 0.99

01:18:08.900 a damn caterpillar, I'm gonna think of your ass, daddy, boy, be good, man, all right, let's 0.99

01:18:13.740 move on to, uh, we have the best and worst weekends, and, um, and I wanna, uh, you can 1.00

01:18:19.780 hit the hotline and let us know if you had the best or worst weekend, uh, don't hit us

01:18:24.100 with a regular weekend, just hit us, if it was the greatest weekend or the worst weekend,

01:18:27.620 let us know why, try to keep it around a minute, uh, that number's 985-664-9503.

01:18:33.640 And we have our winner for July, uh, let's hear that thing right now.

01:18:38.800 Yo, Theo, this is Stink, um, from North Carolina.

01:18:43.580 And that's, I thought it was Stink last time, and then I remember I got an email from him

01:18:48.860 and said, he said, my name's not Stink, and then I realized, yeah, that would be a crazy

01:18:52.720 name to have, but also be dope, boy, you know what I'm saying, that's my fella right 0.99

01:18:57.140 here, Stink Johnson, get a fucking nostril hit of your boy, you know. 0.99

01:19:02.000 But, uh, he's our winner, uh, let's hear, if you didn't hear what happened to him last 1.00

01:19:06.080 week, let's hear it.

01:19:06.960 Call him in for a, uh, best weekend, or worst weekend, I let you be the judge. 0.87

01:19:13.620 All right, you let me be the judge, Omer, Stink. 1.00

01:19:15.740 Um, last weekend, went out to the bar on Saturday night, or, no, Friday night, and met this girl.

01:19:29.160 Uh, long story short, got started talking to her, and she was out with some friends, and

01:19:36.460 her friends got very drunk, and she was there by herself, and this girl was nine months pregnant.

01:19:45.480 Woo-hoo! 1.00

01:19:46.380 Come to find out, just found out that baby daddy had been cheating on her. 1.00

01:19:50.760 And nine months pregnant, that is a person, that's a full term, brother, that is, so that's 0.99

01:19:56.980 two people you're talking to.

01:19:58.560 Let's hear more.

01:20:00.420 It's just one of the people that's still hiding inside of one of the other ones.

01:20:03.620 So that's basically a woman, and then also somebody playing hide-and-go-seek. 1.00

01:20:08.420 So, ended up.

01:20:11.400 With the world.

01:20:13.240 Hooking up with her, taking her back to my place.

01:20:16.520 She stayed the whole weekend with me.

01:20:18.200 Was your place a hospital, because that seemed like the kind of place you would take a nine-month

01:20:23.620 pregnant lady. 0.99

01:20:25.380 Homeward?

01:20:27.000 And then, Monday, the day after she left, I get a text from her, and she had just popped

01:20:33.980 out that little baby.

01:20:36.080 So I went to visit her at the hospital, and said, congratulations, you know. 0.99

01:20:40.840 Kind of feel like my dick helped do this. 0.99

01:20:43.760 Jesus. 0.99

01:20:44.360 And you had to take it there at the end.

01:20:45.680 But that's our, that look, that, I don't know if that's the best or worst weekend, but

01:20:50.460 I'll tell you this, that man manned up and went to the hospital to see that lady, and

01:20:54.440 we're grateful, Stank.

01:20:56.280 We're going to, we'll be in touch, and we'll send you a prize package, dude.

01:20:59.900 We got some of these Correctional Center blue t-shirts for this past weekend, and we'll

01:21:04.160 send you one of those.

01:21:05.020 Thanks so much for being a part of things, brother.

01:21:08.720 We appreciate it.

01:21:09.920 We got another, someone that called in with the best or worst weekend.

01:21:13.000 Here we go.

01:21:13.480 Hey, Theo, this is Stephanie down in Daytona Beach, Florida.

01:21:17.480 I just wanted to call and say thank you for encouraging people to swim around in their

01:21:21.720 feelings, because that's hard to do sometimes.

01:21:24.720 You're welcome.

01:21:25.420 Thank you for calling and saying thank you.

01:21:28.360 And I know you don't get a lot of female callers, because, well, I listen to your show.

01:21:31.560 But anyway, I wanted to tell you about this wonderful weekend I had this past weekend.

01:21:36.480 And my boyfriend of six months took me out for a birthday extravaganza.

01:21:41.900 Oh, nice.

01:21:42.680 Happy belated birthday to you.

01:21:44.800 In Tampa, in Ybor City.

01:21:46.800 And we did a lot of trying out some delicious food.

01:21:50.380 We went to the aquarium.

01:21:51.620 And one night, we're out.

01:21:54.580 We're bar hopping.

01:21:55.740 We're out front of this bar smoking a cigarette.

01:21:57.720 And this homeless guy comes up to us and asks us for a cigarette and a few dollars, because

01:22:03.600 he said he hadn't showered in a month.

01:22:04.920 I said, hey, me too.

01:22:06.420 And we had to laugh at Adam.

01:22:08.000 And my boyfriend's like, hey, man, we'll buy you a couple beers if you want to hang out

01:22:13.120 for a minute.

01:22:14.320 If this ends in a threesome, this is going to be, this might be back-to-back the craziest 1.00

01:22:19.420 months ever.

01:22:20.240 Onward.

01:22:20.660 We ended up doing that, shared some cigarettes and beers with this guy.

01:22:23.780 And then we ended up taking this guy to a place called Hamburger Mary's.

01:22:27.080 I don't know if you know what that is.

01:22:28.460 Yeah, I do.

01:22:29.120 It's a homoerotic hamburger spot where you can get meat and men. 1.00

01:22:32.980 Onward.

01:22:33.720 It's a drag queen bar. 1.00

01:22:34.960 So we took this big dude, me and my boyfriend, down there.

01:22:39.080 And he's such a generous man.

01:22:41.460 He goes and gets like $20 in ones for all three of us to hand out to the drag queens while

01:22:46.160 they're doing their performance.

01:22:47.380 And drag queens are dancing on us, and we're dancing on them and just having a real magical

01:22:52.840 time.

01:22:53.460 And I just appreciated my boyfriend for taking me out and showing me and this homeless

01:22:58.060 guy a great weekend.

01:23:01.240 I love that.

01:23:02.360 I love that story.

01:23:03.160 One time I had, thank you for calling with that.

01:23:06.580 And that is a great weekend.

01:23:08.120 And that's your boyfriend treating you well, and I like hearing about that.

01:23:11.080 It's nice to treat somebody that you love well.

01:23:13.740 And it probably made him feel really good to do that.

01:23:17.720 You know, there was a, I got invited to Loyola Marymount to be a judge on their Loyola Idol.

01:23:27.820 Loyola Marymount Idol.

01:23:29.120 And it was like their American Idol contest at school.

01:23:32.740 And at the last minute, they called me and said, Theo, can you bring two extra judges?

01:23:36.260 And I'm like, come on.

01:23:38.680 Where am I going to get these boys there?

01:23:40.480 You know?

01:23:41.620 And then suddenly an idea just popped into my head.

01:23:44.340 You know?

01:23:44.680 Get in there! 0.99

01:23:45.540 And I stopped by the park.

01:23:48.220 I stopped by the park off of Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles in Lincoln.

01:23:54.200 And I picked up a couple of vagrants, you know?

01:23:57.140 A couple of local vagrants, bro. 0.99

01:23:59.100 One dude was mid-piss when I fucking walked up to him, dude. 0.99

01:24:02.320 And I respect that. 0.99

01:24:03.880 You know, there was a couple of rich people playing tennis right there on some fancy court. 0.99

01:24:07.680 And this dude's straight-up fucking watering plants right next to him like a straight-up fucking G, bro. 0.99

01:24:14.100 So anyway, I took two homeless gentlemen, you know, without homes, sans casas, and took those dudes to Loyola Marymount. 0.99

01:24:22.160 So there's like 800 students sitting there.

01:24:25.220 And, you know, there's like 12 students that are going to perform.

01:24:27.740 And the curtain's open.

01:24:29.600 And suddenly there's me and two gentlemen without homes, homeless gentlemen.

01:24:35.560 And we're the judges.

01:24:37.100 And we are the judges for this whole contest.

01:24:39.320 So these dudes went from being in a park.

01:24:41.040 They got in my car.

01:24:41.960 We drove there.

01:24:43.100 I got paid, you know, I think I got paid 300 bucks.

01:24:45.320 I broke them each off $40.

01:24:47.820 And, but what a crazy day for those guys.

01:24:51.580 You know, what a crazy day for those guys.

01:24:54.500 So some of that kind of stuff is fun.

01:24:56.140 We had another call that came in.

01:24:57.300 Let's hear it.

01:24:58.920 Hey, Theo.

01:25:00.240 Listening to your last episode.

01:25:03.200 Man, you got me thinking about the church van, man.

01:25:06.600 Oh, yeah.

01:25:07.020 That's a very wily vehicle. 0.72

01:25:10.000 Shoot.

01:25:10.860 I had a, I was in a church van that was part of the church van.

01:25:15.820 You know, part of the church.

01:25:17.940 Dude, the, the back seat, man.

01:25:20.420 That was for like the goth kids.

01:25:22.980 Oh, back seat.

01:25:23.780 Y'all was gothing, huh?

01:25:24.980 Them god goths.

01:25:26.080 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:25:27.500 You know, a lot of them goth kids, they look like they've been eating charcoal and shit with their eyes. 1.00

01:25:32.220 Like they've been hiding charcoal briquettes. 0.99

01:25:34.840 You know? 0.99

01:25:35.660 Like they've been fucking, you know, dipping, doing dip. 0.99

01:25:38.680 But they've been dipping briquettes up in their eye sockets. 1.00

01:25:41.460 Onward. 0.97

01:25:42.120 Jerking off. 0.97

01:25:43.300 That was a real thing, man. 0.95

01:25:44.660 It got me thinking of that, that time when I was younger.

01:25:47.780 You know, sitting there with my neighbor and like my younger brother.

01:25:51.300 And we were in like the fifth, the fourth row.

01:25:54.160 And the goth kids were in the fifth behind us. 0.99

01:25:58.380 Jerking off. 0.99

01:25:59.920 That's America right there, brother. 0.99

01:26:01.840 If you don't have a couple goth kids in the seat behind you, J.O. and son, are you living life?

01:26:06.540 That's what I want to know.

01:26:07.900 Are you living life?

01:26:10.720 Let's take another call here.

01:26:11.920 Here we go.

01:26:12.820 Hey, Theo.

01:26:13.360 This is Grace calling from Minneapolis, Minnesota.

01:26:16.400 Hey, Grace.

01:26:17.160 Thanks for calling.

01:26:17.700 I was just there.

01:26:18.980 So hopefully you enjoy it.

01:26:21.180 And I was just wondering, I actually work at a church.

01:26:24.620 And so if you want to come this Sunday, let me know.

01:26:27.080 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:26:28.120 I just heard this call just now.

01:26:30.580 But thank you very much for the invite, Onward.

01:26:32.800 I know that you love your nieces and nephews and that you're close to your family.

01:26:36.440 So I'm just curious about how that is as a professional comedian.

01:26:40.160 And I know you believe in a higher power, but I know you said that you just kind of believe Jesus is a good guy.

01:26:45.620 So I'm just curious.

01:26:47.240 And maybe your brother's not a pastor at a Christian church.

01:26:49.260 Maybe that's an assumption.

01:26:50.740 But anyways, just curious.

01:26:51.880 Thank you for the call.

01:26:55.040 And it's so funny that this call, and I was just talking about some of this stuff because I haven't heard any of the calls that came in until now.

01:27:03.240 Producer Nick was listening to him this week.

01:27:07.540 Yeah, no, my nieces and nephews and my family members go to church, and they love it.

01:27:12.160 They go down there in Baton Rouge.

01:27:13.380 And one of the things that I see when I go down there with them and spend time is that it's just a fun thing.

01:27:25.680 You know, a lot of times some religion gets bad names.

01:27:28.560 You know, these far-right, you know, people that are, you know, to the point of judgment.

01:27:36.240 That's where it gets scary is when there's too much judgment.

01:27:38.840 But, hell, we're all judgmental, and it's all a battle, you know.

01:27:46.120 But it's nice.

01:27:49.040 I just like seeing.

01:27:50.380 I remember doing fun stuff when I was a kid when I would go to the church and eating big donuts in there and, you know, having old people kind of touch you on the cheek and say things to you.

01:28:01.580 I mean, they kind of scared you a little bit, but you had fun, and you run around with your friends and wearing, you know, church clothes and being snazzy.

01:28:11.240 And sometimes you sneak on a little bit of Old Spice from your daddy or something and put a little bit of Old Spice on your neck, you know, or do something fun or just, I don't know.

01:28:20.680 I remember being as a young child, it was a nice chance to see people on the weekend.

01:28:25.460 Sometimes you don't get to see people on the weekend, and then suddenly you get to see your friends and good food and people being together.

01:28:34.260 Man, I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

01:28:39.180 But thank you so much for that invite, and I'm sorry that I didn't get to this email earlier.

01:28:43.840 I had to fly out early this morning.

01:28:45.500 I flew back to Los Angeles, so I didn't get a chance to check it out.

01:28:51.060 Let's take one more call here, guys.

01:28:52.680 I've got to get out of here, I've got to go to an AA meeting just a little bit, but let's take another call right here.

01:28:56.400 Here we go.

01:28:57.380 Theo, what's up, homie? 1.00

01:28:59.700 Oh, man, this is Dylan in South Carolina.

01:29:01.580 I had a crazy weekend.

01:29:02.600 Not so crazy, but for me, it's out of the ordinary.

01:29:05.660 Thanks for calling, Dylan.

01:29:06.760 So this might be in our this past Best or Worst Weekend contest.

01:29:10.580 Let's hear what happened onward.

01:29:13.500 Had a loss of life in my family about two years ago.

01:29:16.660 A settlement just came out.

01:29:18.240 A lawyer called me, actually wanted to come to the house and talk to me.

01:29:22.580 Came on over and dropped that knowledge and 98 grand coming my way.

01:29:28.420 Ooh, man.

01:29:30.340 And that wasn't a sound effect, man.

01:29:31.680 I got an email at the same time.

01:29:32.960 I hope that lawyer was hitting me up, dude.

01:29:35.020 I might be in that settlement.

01:29:36.700 Wow.

01:29:37.680 That's interesting, man.

01:29:38.700 98 grand, that's a lot of money.

01:29:40.720 Dude, that's that straight up big hitter. 1.00

01:29:42.200 Dude, that's that, you know, that's like a damn leprechaun just, you know, fell asleep in your house and all the bullion in his pockets just rolled out onto your floorboards. 0.99

01:29:54.420 Let's hear more. 0.99

01:29:56.460 I got about 60 days to think about what I'm doing with myself.

01:30:00.920 And I know that, you know, it's not often you get this kind of opportunity in life.

01:30:05.040 I'm 33, four kids, married.

01:30:08.780 Wow, what a blessing, then.

01:30:10.020 That money could be really helpful.

01:30:11.240 A bunch of chickens and a couple of goats.

01:30:13.860 You know, I'm loving life, man, but, man, I just don't know, like, what do you do with that kind of paper?

01:30:20.480 What, what, how do you turn that into something?

01:30:23.300 I don't want to, I don't want to work until I'm old and crusty and rusty. 0.99

01:30:28.520 Busted and shit. 0.99

01:30:30.380 How do you do something with that, man? 0.99

01:30:31.900 What would you do with that, Theo?

01:30:33.500 Let us know what you would just do if you was a regular fella. 0.99

01:30:36.260 I don't know where you're sitting now, but what if you're sitting on 98 grand and didn't know what to do with your life?

01:30:41.220 Well, I'll tell you this.

01:30:43.280 I do not have 98 grand.

01:30:45.540 What would I do with myself if I had, well, if somebody just said you had that money, I would buy a piece of real estate.

01:30:53.360 I would buy a, you know, some type of a maybe rental property.

01:30:57.160 If you want to deal with that kind of stuff.

01:30:58.780 Now, here's the thing.

01:30:59.360 People always talk about rental property, flip this, you make so much money.

01:31:02.440 It's a lot of responsibility as well.

01:31:04.360 You can also have a lot of responsibility to do.

01:31:06.480 Finding tenants, all that kind of stuff.

01:31:07.940 Suddenly, you're a landlord.

01:31:09.800 You know, you're not just a rental property owner.

01:31:11.280 You are also a landlord, and that is another job.

01:31:16.040 Man, what would I do with that money?

01:31:17.780 Now, if I had four children, I'm sure the filter that I'd be thinking through would be divided by four.

01:31:23.980 That's for sure.

01:31:24.740 You know, I would probably, if I had four children, I bet I'd set aside a little, maybe five grand for each kid that they don't know about and that they're not allowed to tell the other kids about once they get it.

01:31:38.760 Maybe once they all hit 18, they would all get the money at once.

01:31:42.380 Because if you give it to one of them, then the other ones are going to be expecting it, and they're going to be making decisions based on the fact that they're going to be getting that money at some point in their life.

01:31:50.660 So I'd maybe do that, and then, I don't know.

01:31:54.740 You want to plan ahead?

01:31:55.780 You know what?

01:31:56.220 This might go right back to the Gary Vaynerchuk.

01:31:59.800 Gary V.

01:32:01.620 You know, he might know better.

01:32:03.040 Maybe I would check out some of his videos because he seems to have a better semblance of what it's like.

01:32:08.020 You know?

01:32:08.680 That Gary Vaynerchuk to get in there and see what he would do.

01:32:12.360 If you came into 100 grand, I already came in.

01:32:14.260 Yeah, if you came into 100 grand, what would you do with it?

01:32:16.800 What would you do?

01:32:18.340 You had four children.

01:32:19.240 You don't want to work forever?

01:32:21.880 I would buy some Amazon stock.

01:32:23.580 Dude, that's what I would do.

01:32:25.400 I would buy some Amazon stock.

01:32:27.560 I think Amazon's going to own half the world.

01:32:30.580 I would buy some Amazon stock.

01:32:32.540 But outside of that, I don't know what I would do with it.

01:32:35.740 But if you seem like you're doing comfortable, you have some chickens and goats.

01:32:39.280 You don't want to do something.

01:32:40.160 I don't think I wouldn't want to do something that would affect my lifestyle immediately that I wouldn't be able to adapt into comfortably.

01:32:52.040 Because then if it didn't stay that way, I might be upset, you know, and I might, you know, you don't want to get too comfortable, you know?

01:33:04.060 One of my friends told me a long time ago, they said, yes, if you come into somebody, you don't want to buy the nice car.

01:33:08.320 You don't want to buy the nice car.

01:33:13.420 I don't know.

01:33:14.100 Let's put that to our listeners.

01:33:15.480 If you came in at 98 grand right now, what would you do?

01:33:17.800 What would you suggest this man does?

01:33:19.160 He's got four children.

01:33:19.980 You heard his scenario.

01:33:21.360 He got a couple chickens, a couple goats.

01:33:24.640 You know, I'll tell you this.

01:33:26.680 I know them chickens and goats are going to live a little bit longer.

01:33:28.960 They're going to live high on the hog a little bit because they ain't going to be dinner soon. 0.86

01:33:33.340 You got 98 grand.

01:33:34.420 Man, what would you do?

01:33:36.280 What would you do, man?

01:33:37.400 That's a great question.

01:33:40.020 We can leave out on that.

01:33:42.060 We had some other great calls that came in.

01:33:44.400 I want to thank everybody that came out last weekend.

01:33:47.840 I appreciate it.

01:33:49.200 In Minneapolis.

01:33:52.900 That's it, man.

01:33:54.120 You know, I'm tired.

01:33:54.880 I'm going to get, and I'm going to go settle down.

01:33:57.760 I'm going to get some rest tonight.

01:33:58.780 And I'm just grateful that, I'm grateful we got to do this for another weekend.

01:34:08.040 I'm grateful we got to do this for another week.

01:34:10.680 I'm grateful that there's people out there that are enjoying what we're doing here.

01:34:16.780 You know, we're creating like a curiosity, I think.

01:34:20.800 And it's exciting.

01:34:21.880 It's exciting for me to show up here each week and see what you guys are up to.

01:34:26.220 Thank you for hitting the hotline.

01:34:27.520 And thank you for listening to this episode.

01:34:30.320 And I will see you guys in, I'll see you guys, I'll see you guys here next week.

01:34:37.900 Be good to yourselves.

01:34:38.880 You probably deserve it, man.

01:34:41.880 You probably do.

01:34:43.800 I'm going to try to be good to myself tonight and get some rest.

01:34:46.420 And here we have Brooks Daugherty again.

01:34:49.460 Memphis is 200 miles away.

01:35:07.860 Memphis is 200 miles away.

01:35:12.820 Memphis is 200 miles.

01:35:17.380 So I just sit and laugh and smile. 0.97

01:35:19.940 Memphis is where that old evil woman stays. 1.00

01:35:22.720 She had a chill on her shoulder since the day she left her home.

01:35:31.420 She thought her daddy didn't love her.

01:35:34.500 And she was born to Rome.

01:35:36.280 She made her mama cry a river. 1.00

01:35:39.200 And she didn't give a damn. 0.80

01:35:41.520 That's about the time I left. 1.00

01:35:43.760 Cause that's the fool I am. 0.99

01:35:46.220 She had a man that died. 1.00

01:35:49.080 Who was on his way to jail.

01:35:51.440 Thought she needed someone different. 0.99

01:35:54.260 To drag with her to hell. 1.00

01:35:55.940 She played my heart just like a guitar. 0.99

01:35:59.000 And she didn't skip a beat.

01:36:00.820 Now I thank the Lord above.

01:36:03.740 She's so far away from me.

01:36:06.260 Because Memphis is 200 miles away.

01:36:11.580 Memphis is 200 miles away.

01:36:16.560 Memphis is 200 miles.

01:36:19.180 So I just sit and laugh and smile. 0.97

01:36:21.840 Memphis is where that old evil woman stays. 1.00

01:36:26.520 Memphis is 200 miles away.

01:36:29.500 Thank you guys so much man.

01:36:31.080 Love you guys.

01:36:32.080 I'll see you next week.

01:36:40.260 Ladies and gentlemen.

01:36:41.860 I'm Jonathan Kite.

01:36:42.900 And welcome to Kite Club.

01:36:44.380 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events.

01:36:48.040 Stand up stories.

01:36:49.280 And seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:36:51.780 The answer may shock you.

01:36:53.500 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:36:55.560 Sometimes I won't.

01:36:57.260 And as always.

01:36:57.980 I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:37:00.160 You have three new voice messages.

01:37:03.240 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:37:06.100 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:37:08.780 Longer than anybody else.

01:37:10.380 So great.

01:37:11.740 Hi.

01:37:12.400 Sweetie.

01:37:13.360 Easy deal. 1.00

01:37:14.760 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:37:18.680 Jermaine. 0.99

01:37:19.980 Hi.

01:37:20.300 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:37:23.760 Sorry sir.

01:37:24.240 But our ice cream machine is broken.

01:37:25.860 Oh no.

01:37:28.140 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.

01:37:30.560 Anyway.

01:37:31.360 First rule of Kite Club is.

01:37:32.960 Tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:37:34.760 Second rule of Kite Club is.

01:37:36.720 Tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:37:38.980 Third rule.

01:37:39.900 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:37:42.640 Or watch us on YouTube.

01:37:44.100 Yeah.

01:37:44.760 And yes.

01:37:45.300 Don't worry.

01:37:46.040 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 06, 2018

Honest with Myself ｜ This Past Weekend #119

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