This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Joey Diaz

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00:02:46.060 THEO50 for 50% off. What's up guys? Before I say today's guest, I want to let you know I'll be

00:02:53.660 performing coming up in Charlotte, Washington, D.C., Salt Lake City, Toronto. Just hold a beat on

00:03:02.580 getting the Toronto tickets. We're figuring that out if you already have them. Just not sure yet

00:03:08.740 if that's going to be coming to fruition. Where else? Appleton, Wisconsin and Buffalo, New York are

00:03:14.680 other places that I will be coming to. Today's guest is just one of a kind. It's like all of

00:03:26.800 mankind got just put into one person. And he's like an oracle to the great beyond and to the great

00:03:35.700 ahead. And he's one of the sweetest guys that I know and one of the absolute funniest get you out

00:03:41.480 of your seat. Straight up. Savages. Joey Coco Diaz is here with us today.

00:04:02.040 I want to know about that, bro. That looked like the one thing I definitely wanted to be in. Next time you come in with us.

00:04:06.580 I'd love to. Dude, I would love to go. What a blast. So you guys had to pass, I know, so you guys at least

00:04:14.680 got to skip some of the lines. Oh, right through like doctors. Because you guys must have had a million

00:04:18.320 people trying to holler at you. Oh my God, it was great. It was great. It was great though. You know, you don't

00:04:23.280 know. We'll save it for the podcast. You don't really know how good Disneyland is till you get there because

00:04:28.980 we're all cheap. Yeah. And we're like $149. I'm not going down there for $149. Then when you sit on a ride, you go.

00:04:36.580 I get it. Yeah. I'm safe. Did Eddie have children with him or no? Yeah, he had his son with him. Oh, he did?

00:04:43.880 Yeah. His son and my daughter love each other. Really? Yeah, they love each other. They love each

00:04:49.960 other. We all go to the same restaurant on Wednesdays because kids eat free. Yeah. And my daughter loves

00:04:55.480 the spaghetti there. Yeah. The pasta restaurant. It's the worst shit I've ever eaten in my life. But

00:05:00.240 they like it. And last week we went and that's who was there. Yeah. Draco. And we all hung out

00:05:05.060 and the mom and, you know, it's a different world, man. That's crazy, man. And the kids,

00:05:11.380 so does your daughter know about the podcast or anything? She doesn't know about that.

00:05:15.720 Like, what does she kind of look at it as? I don't know what the fuck she knows. Yeah. I don't

00:05:19.420 know what the fuck she knows. You know, she knows I got an office. Yeah. She goes over there.

00:05:24.060 She sees the microphones. I got to hide the bongs and shit. Uh-huh. Uh, she'll tell me

00:05:29.020 she wants to go to your office, daddy, and clean it. So I'll let her come over and wipe

00:05:33.100 it down and have the garbage out and give her like $5. Yeah. You know. And she just lost

00:05:40.480 a tooth, you said, on the way in. You say your daughter just lost a tooth, huh? That's

00:05:43.400 fucking mind-boggling, emotional. Is it? For me, it was. Like, I'm not, you know, I'm from

00:05:49.300 a different fucking world, bro. Yeah. Oh, I remember selling my teeth to some kid

00:05:53.620 that came through town. Yeah. No, you didn't. Just on the street, yeah. Your baby

00:05:57.400 teeth? Um, I don't know if they were baby or not. Some of them might have been

00:06:00.880 adult. But my mouth kept making them, bro. I needed them, you know? My mouth was

00:06:05.020 just producing fucking, this was like a silver mine, you know? Or like something,

00:06:09.080 you know? Like, my mouth was like, do whatever we got to do to sell something. I'll

00:06:11.660 fucking make as much enamel as you need. That's crazy. I used to fucking be

00:06:15.820 petrified at a dentist. So I didn't go to the dentist for like 20 years. So I

00:06:20.060 was just doing my own dental work. No. Oh, yeah. I'd get a bottle of Jack, get

00:06:25.280 some Coke and shit, get fucked up, get a wrench, and I'd go to work, dog. And just

00:06:30.380 get in there. Oh, yeah. I pulled out like, all these are all fake. Yeah. I pulled out

00:06:34.620 like, look at those motherfuckers. Fuck yeah. Wow. And then the day I did go to the

00:06:38.640 doctor, I went to this Kevin named Kevin Sessa, DDS. Mm-hmm. And bold. That's the day

00:06:43.560 I kidnapped the motherfucker the same day. I got the teeth, I got my fillings done

00:06:47.160 that morning. Oh, I could see that, dude. Dental work will make you want to fucking

00:06:50.740 kill you, you know? You know, and my attorney kept saying, you should use that in the

00:06:54.060 defense, you know? And I'm like, nah, because I didn't want to kidnap this dude. You did.

00:06:58.500 Way before the dental work. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Way before I went to the

00:07:01.640 dentist, I was going to rob this guy. Me going to the dentist. Had nothing to do with it.

00:07:07.780 Had nothing to do with it. He was going down when I went to the dentist or not. But that's

00:07:11.420 the beauty of these days. Like, you could do anything, man. You could go to the dentist

00:07:14.300 first, and then you're like, yeah, I was high on some kind of gas or helium. I didn't know

00:07:17.360 that. Bro, you know what? I could have made the excuse up. I just didn't want to. I wanted

00:07:23.480 to end it. Yeah. I wanted to end it at that age. Like, I wanted all this just to end and

00:07:28.800 to start over. I knew I had fucked up. Yeah, did you have a lot of, like, amends to make

00:07:33.080 when you went through? Like, when you kind of started to kind of, when you kind of got

00:07:35.820 out of that sort of lifestyle? No, I still make amends. Really? Like, I still think

00:07:40.600 of shit, and I go, you know what? I should call that person, or I should write that for

00:07:45.160 that person. Like, I was just talking about my back. Like, I got a big beef with my ex-wife,

00:07:49.700 you know? I have a 27-year-old I don't talk to. Oh, wow. Me and my wife just, you know,

00:07:56.860 in life, we make a few good fucking decisions, you know? And me getting married, I was young.

00:08:03.780 I wasn't really in love. I was a fucking criminal, you know?

00:08:07.740 So what made you get married, then? Like, what was the thing that you kind of, that honestly,

00:08:11.000 when you think kind of, because look, I'm in some of those situations, like, you know,

00:08:14.820 I worry about moving forward, but knowing that I'm not ready sometimes in certain environments,

00:08:18.600 you know? Well, you're never fucking ready. I mean, you're never ready for dick.

00:08:22.320 Right. There's no handbook on marriage. There's no handbook on friendship. There's no handbook

00:08:27.060 on life. There's no handbook on anything. You know, I remember a kid years ago, there was a phone

00:08:32.840 guy at the store. And one day, the fucking talent coordinator got fired. They just made

00:08:38.820 him the talent coordinator. Wow. He didn't know nothing about nothing. Yeah. He got fired

00:08:43.260 six months later, but you just have to be ready. There's times that, in life, that I can't train

00:08:49.440 you for what's going to happen. Right. And that's, if you think about your life, I mean,

00:08:53.380 how old are you now? I'm 38. Think about your life. That's most of your life. Think about where you've

00:08:56.960 been. Nobody could train you for what? You either fall apart, have an nervous breakdown,

00:09:04.320 go see a psychiatrist, or fucking live your life. Yeah. Live your fucking life, because

00:09:09.160 it's very... Man, it's so true, man. It's so... You have no idea how much exact... I mean,

00:09:14.180 this is... Literally, I'm going to a therapist today at seven, and it's like, you know, some

00:09:18.440 things that's just like... Sometimes I'm just afraid to, like, maybe admit what the truth

00:09:23.680 is to myself, and instead I'll get stuck in some of these, like, therapy situations,

00:09:28.080 because sometimes I feel like I know what the truth is, but it's hard to... Sometimes

00:09:30.580 it's hard to know if your instincts are reliable. Does that make any sense? Like, if you get

00:09:34.760 an instinct, if it's legit or not, or if it's fear, or if it's... I had a friend. I have

00:09:41.220 a friend. That's the kiss of death. I love him with all my heart, but every decision

00:09:47.660 he makes is a bad decision. And I was thinking about it about a month ago.

00:09:53.680 And I was thinking about when I was in the same position, that at one time in my life,

00:09:58.660 everything I did was a bad decision. I mean, I was the kiss of death.

00:10:01.700 Yeah.

00:10:02.080 When I got out of prison, everything I did, getting married, everything I did... So I consciously

00:10:07.420 made a fucking decision to think about every decision and not to do the first thing that

00:10:13.460 came to my mind.

00:10:14.320 Wow.

00:10:15.620 Like, I had to actually do that.

00:10:17.460 Right.

00:10:18.080 That's a bad idea. Like, I would be negative to be positive.

00:10:22.180 Right.

00:10:22.860 Because I was doing everything wrong.

00:10:25.840 So before I do that, I'm going to fucking throw hot water on it and do the other thing.

00:10:31.440 And I started...

00:10:32.340 Changing here.

00:10:33.420 Because you have to come to terms with yourself and go, this ain't working.

00:10:36.980 Yeah. Sometimes you got to realize that just naturally you're not going to make the best...

00:10:39.980 Maybe your instinct isn't the best decision maker.

00:10:42.200 Yeah. You know, this morning I woke up and I saw something about the Nerdist. He got exonerated

00:10:49.760 on NBC and all this stuff. You know, I don't know who his accuser is or whatever. It got

00:10:55.040 nothing to do with it.

00:10:55.960 A Chris Hardwick guy.

00:10:56.840 Yeah, Chris Hardwick. But I was very happy. I've met Chris a couple times. You know, he

00:11:01.120 is what he is. He's a sweetheart of a guy. But you can't... We can't keep... This country

00:11:07.620 was built on laws.

00:11:08.960 Yeah.

00:11:09.280 That you have to be judged by your peers. But we're getting judged by the internet now.

00:11:14.000 Yeah.

00:11:14.380 And that's not fair. That's not right. That's not what this whole thing was about.

00:11:18.140 Mm-mm.

00:11:18.580 This is about... You say something... I did that? All right. Give me the camera. Give

00:11:22.580 me the footage. Let's go.

00:11:24.300 Yeah.

00:11:24.480 I can't base everything on your fucking word. That's why I don't go to therapy.

00:11:29.280 Right.

00:11:29.520 I use my podcast as therapy. I beat you to the punch. I'm going to get it out there before

00:11:34.940 you can even get it out there. I'll tell you the fucking story. You want to know?

00:11:37.620 You want to know the story? I'll tell you. I don't give a fuck. It was 30 years ago.

00:11:39.680 What are you going to do? Arrest me?

00:11:40.580 Yeah.

00:11:40.980 Beat me up? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? At this point, there's

00:11:44.500 not much you can do.

00:11:45.600 Yeah.

00:11:45.940 I have... I do something positive in a mental type of way once a month.

00:11:52.200 Yeah.

00:11:52.960 You do a lot of stuff.

00:11:53.900 I do something. Like, I just reached out before the Netflix special, which you came

00:11:59.820 out to. Thank you very much.

00:12:01.160 Yeah, it was great. You look awesome out there.

00:12:02.940 I reached out to somebody who did me a solid when I was 16 years old.

00:12:06.840 And I didn't know the amount of the solid that it was. So I shit on the solid. You know

00:12:12.660 what I'm saying?

00:12:13.160 Yeah.

00:12:14.040 And I live with that every day. And we kind of talk. When I can see it in his face, listen,

00:12:19.640 he has no reason to talk to me. He really doesn't.

00:12:22.740 Right.

00:12:22.960 I caused havoc in his house. I caused havoc in his life. And I wrote him this long thing.

00:12:28.180 And I just said, listen, if there's anything I could do to come over to your house and talk

00:12:32.400 to your family, just to... Nobody wants to die with this shit on there. It's not such

00:12:38.760 a big deal.

00:12:39.560 Right.

00:12:39.680 It was a big deal then. Today, it's not such a big deal. We all lived. We all survived.

00:12:44.840 I haven't heard back from him.

00:12:46.180 Right. Is it hard sometimes for people? Do you find it? Because what do you think is

00:12:51.920 one of the things that stops us sometimes from being the bigger man? Because sometimes

00:12:55.180 I want to be angry instead of be grateful. Or I want to be... I don't want to reach out

00:13:02.540 to some... I still want to hold that grudge. When you have those kind of moments, how do

00:13:06.540 you kind of get through some of that? Instead of being like, well, fuck, I could still hold

00:13:09.560 a grudge against this person, but I'm going to do this instead.

00:13:12.500 You know, TJ English, he did the podcast with me and Rogan. And he said in his 30, 40 years

00:13:17.420 experience dealing with Cuban people, we're always very vindictive. You know, the book he

00:13:24.280 wrote about that guy was about a godfather, you know, about a crime godfather. But the guy

00:13:29.760 used to kill people himself. Like, that's unheard of. Like, when episode eight of The

00:13:34.620 Sopranos, they were thinking of canceling The Sopranos, I think after episode seven.

00:13:38.740 They really... HBO did not want Tony killing somebody.

00:13:42.880 Yeah.

00:13:43.200 Because a mob boss always sends an underling.

00:13:45.540 Mm.

00:13:45.960 But Chase wanted to make this point, so he had Tony kill him. With this guy battle, you

00:13:53.600 know, I'm very vindictive. I will get you.

00:13:57.160 Yeah.

00:13:57.440 I will get you. I will lay down like a fucking dog, and I'll wait years. I've done it to people

00:14:03.460 already. You know what I'm saying? I've done it to motherfuckers already. Well, I'll sit

00:14:08.260 in the bush for years, you know? That's a horrible way to live, though.

00:14:12.660 Yeah.

00:14:13.400 That's a horrible... I'm the king of it.

00:14:14.800 I can do it.

00:14:15.640 Because that shit's stirring in you all the time. It's running in the background like

00:14:18.500 an open window on the internet. Like, it's just sitting there, running.

00:14:21.520 Like, there's somebody right now that's in Burbank, but I want to go over there and throw

00:14:26.140 him out a fucking window every morning when I wake up. And the only thing that stops me

00:14:30.480 is my family, my daughter, what I'm doing right now, because he's a piece of shit.

00:14:33.800 Yeah.

00:14:34.080 You know, and he's been a piece of shit to a lot of people.

00:14:35.940 Yeah.

00:14:36.320 A lot of comedians. And I knew it when I... But guess why I don't throw him out the window?

00:14:40.800 Mm.

00:14:40.960 Because I did business with him, and I knew it going in, that he was a piece of shit.

00:14:44.400 Wow.

00:14:44.780 So shame on me.

00:14:45.780 Right.

00:14:45.980 I got caught up in the smoke of the situation. Now I have to pay for my sins. But I'll get

00:14:51.260 that motherfucker eventually.

00:14:52.320 Yeah.

00:14:52.600 I'll give him a flat. I'll put sugar in his gas tank. Something along the line.

00:14:56.620 Yeah.

00:14:56.740 I'll do fucking something. I'll put saran wrap in his gas tank.

00:14:59.300 Yeah.

00:14:59.600 And he'll stall every 30 miles in the 405. You know, I'm the king of that shit.

00:15:03.620 Oh, that would be the worst.

00:15:04.660 I don't want to live there.

00:15:05.740 Yeah.

00:15:06.160 I don't want to be there. You know, like I said, two weeks ago, I wrote a letter to my

00:15:09.320 ex-wife.

00:15:09.820 Mm-hmm.

00:15:10.520 Like, and I said all the things I did wrong.

00:15:14.500 Yeah.

00:15:15.500 And I took the letter, and I lit it on fire.

00:15:17.480 Wow.

00:15:17.800 Because I don't want nobody getting that letter. I don't want to go to jail.

00:15:20.160 Yeah.

00:15:20.540 You know what I'm saying?

00:15:22.620 And does she know all these things? Did you send it to her, too?

00:15:24.400 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just wanted to know.

00:15:27.020 You wanted to know.

00:15:27.660 I just wanted to know where I fucked up and how I was aware of what I had done, you know?

00:15:32.540 Man, I'm afraid. It's so crazy hearing you say some of that, because sometimes it's like,

00:15:36.020 if I, yeah, the real, the truth sometimes, it's like I'm afraid, I'd be probably afraid to even

00:15:41.580 fucking read it all to myself, you know?

00:15:43.840 Oh, when I read it, when you read something, like when I write a story about me robbing somebody,

00:15:48.500 like on my little iPad, and I'm writing, and I giggle, and then I read it, reading it fucks my world up.

00:15:58.080 Yeah.

00:15:59.040 Like reading it fucks my world up for an hour or two.

00:16:02.020 Because it changes the perspective of it.

00:16:03.280 It changes the perspective.

00:16:04.820 What you're thinking and what you're reading is two different things.

00:16:07.300 It's a little harder when I said I jumped through his window and all that shit.

00:16:11.920 You know, it seems a little bit rougher.

00:16:14.780 However, but I, I don't know, it's been great.

00:16:19.220 I've been trying to, you know, ever since I have the family, I just want to shed some of this fucking snake skin.

00:16:24.740 Yeah.

00:16:25.260 You know, that's why I don't like any of these accusations from people lately.

00:16:28.760 You can't, I can't come back to Cleo and say that when we were going to University of fucking Texas one night,

00:16:35.200 you touched my tit.

00:16:36.000 I can't say that now.

00:16:37.220 Yeah, that's crazy.

00:16:38.160 I can't do that now, 20 years later.

00:16:39.920 That's not right to you.

00:16:41.020 It's not right.

00:16:41.460 That's not right to me.

00:16:42.240 Let me call Cleo and go, hey, Cleo, man, a couple of years ago, I felt a little threatened by you in that room.

00:16:47.760 We were doing blow and you asked me to show me your monkey.

00:16:50.160 Yeah.

00:16:50.500 You know, what the fuck were you doing blow with me for?

00:16:52.500 You know the deal?

00:16:53.300 Yeah.

00:16:53.520 You do a line of coke, you're sucking something.

00:16:55.380 You know what I'm saying?

00:16:55.820 I know what I'm saying, bro.

00:16:56.540 You're sucking something.

00:16:57.360 A pacifier.

00:16:58.340 You're going to fix the faucet.

00:16:59.580 Yeah.

00:17:00.000 You're going to fix the faucet with your mouth.

00:17:01.620 And the reason why I don't like that is because I know I've changed.

00:17:05.260 Right.

00:17:05.720 That's the thing.

00:17:06.460 I know I've changed the person.

00:17:07.820 I know I don't see the shit I used to see.

00:17:09.980 Yeah.

00:17:10.460 And when I see it now, if, you know, if I was, I would go into buildings like this.

00:17:15.240 When I was 21, I'd put a suit on, Doug.

00:17:17.480 Mm-hmm.

00:17:18.540 And I'd walk past reception and I'd walk into a business like this.

00:17:22.780 And I'd pick the third floor and I'd just go from door to door looking for Tony Smith.

00:17:27.640 Wow.

00:17:28.800 Tony Smith here.

00:17:29.800 No, there's no Tony here.

00:17:31.340 What were you looking for?

00:17:32.660 I thought it was 303.

00:17:34.020 Yeah.

00:17:34.240 Oh, no, no, no.

00:17:35.180 Maybe check the fourth floor.

00:17:36.800 You know how many times I'd open up a door and there'd be a purse sitting there or your wallet.

00:17:41.940 Something.

00:17:42.240 And you went to the bathroom and let your wallet on the table.

00:17:45.160 And I would just take a wallet.

00:17:46.360 There'd be 500 bucks in it.

00:17:47.880 And I'd walk out the building.

00:17:49.120 And I was good for the day.

00:17:50.300 Yeah.

00:17:51.020 I did that for years.

00:17:52.260 I would walk into a building and just knock on doors.

00:17:55.940 Like, I'm looking for Theo.

00:17:56.900 Theo, bro.

00:17:57.540 Dude, we used to do that, too.

00:17:58.940 We used to go through the neighborhood at night and we'd steal everybody's fucking car radios, right?

00:18:02.620 But then here was why I did it, dude.

00:18:04.640 At first, you know, we did it because we wanted a radio for our own car.

00:18:07.460 But you only can put, like, one radio in your own car.

00:18:09.480 So then I got out of a backseat with, like, nine radios in it, you know?

00:18:13.040 All these fucking radios sitting there.

00:18:14.460 But then here's why I started to do it.

00:18:16.760 Because then I would see people drive down the street and be furious that they didn't have any music.

00:18:21.580 So then that would fucking make me laugh so hard, bro.

00:18:24.280 Just see somebody driving.

00:18:25.820 And this one dude started singing his own songs every day, bro.

00:18:28.860 I know, fucking.

00:18:29.760 He had no radio?

00:18:30.740 Oh, dude.

00:18:31.840 This dude.

00:18:32.220 Crazy.

00:18:33.000 I never got into robbing cars or car stereos.

00:18:35.920 I love watching him.

00:18:36.940 Because I had a buddy who used to rob car stereos.

00:18:39.840 But at one point, cars started putting a device in it that if you stole the stereo, it wouldn't work on another car.

00:18:46.280 I think especially Subaru had the technology.

00:18:48.260 Oh, yeah, Subaru.

00:18:49.500 But I'll tell you what, bro.

00:18:50.560 When I first started working for Subaru, it was 1986.

00:18:55.300 Really?

00:18:55.740 I was living in Boulder, and I was a detailer.

00:18:58.800 But I became friends with the manager.

00:19:00.480 His name was Peter Pinto, a real street guy.

00:19:03.200 And one day, he's like, why do you wash cars?

00:19:05.160 You're like one of the best salesmen.

00:19:06.560 Just talking to you, I can buy shit from you.

00:19:08.820 And he goes, just come over on a Monday and see if you like it.

00:19:12.780 And I came over on a Monday and sold three cars and made $1,000.

00:19:16.260 At that time, I used to work 60 hours a week for like.

00:19:19.960 Washing.

00:19:20.280 I think it was $8.60 a month they would pay me.

00:19:24.000 And you made it in a day?

00:19:25.720 I'd make it in a day selling cars.

00:19:27.680 And I went.

00:19:28.240 I borrowed $500 from my girlfriend's mother.

00:19:31.520 And I went and bought three jackets, three pair of pants, a pair of shoes, a belt.

00:19:36.040 Yeah.

00:19:36.940 And I went and fucking knocked them fucking dead.

00:19:39.880 But I thought I was making like $7,000 to $10,000 a month.

00:19:42.760 That's my first three months.

00:19:44.380 In 1987, going to school, $7,000 a month.

00:19:48.060 Subaru selling $10,000 a month.

00:19:49.900 You got to check from them.

00:19:51.580 You got to check from Subaru.

00:19:52.840 But the lot man drove like a fucking, like an expensive BMW.

00:19:58.200 And I'm like, how can a fucking lot man sell, you know, have a BMW?

00:20:04.140 I mean, what can a lot man make, you know?

00:20:06.800 The year went by.

00:20:07.960 I stayed a loyal employee.

00:20:09.300 You know, I got into a few arguments there.

00:20:11.120 I threatened to fucking break the car with an axe window if they didn't pay me and shit like that.

00:20:16.760 But the cops came in one day.

00:20:18.260 And this was a crazy place where I worked.

00:20:19.940 It was called Crouch Subaru.

00:20:21.360 Yeah.

00:20:22.480 Crouch, and that's German, huh?

00:20:23.580 Crouch.

00:20:24.120 They have their own.

00:20:24.800 Crouch, huh?

00:20:25.460 Today they own.

00:20:25.920 You know you're going to get fucking robbed if somebody's crouching.

00:20:27.320 C-R-O-U-C-H.

00:20:29.460 They own an Acura store today.

00:20:30.980 Yeah.

00:20:31.240 A couple Acura stores.

00:20:32.120 But in those days, that Subaru store was a fucking, a comedy.

00:20:37.100 Like, it was a comedy.

00:20:38.080 And they didn't have a lot of Subarus.

00:20:39.400 Did people even know what that was then?

00:20:40.580 Yeah, no.

00:20:41.000 In Colorado, it was the number one car.

00:20:43.480 It's the number one car.

00:20:44.380 It used to be Burt Subaru.

00:20:46.340 We're the number one Subaru dealer in the world.

00:20:48.460 Wow.

00:20:49.020 They did 500 new Subarus a fucking month or something.

00:20:52.640 And then we were like number eight in the district.

00:20:55.020 But one day the cops came, and they arrested this fucking lot guy because he was running

00:21:00.120 a scam at the gym.

00:21:01.400 But what we also didn't know was that after you sold a car, he would talk to you for five

00:21:08.300 minutes about your car, and he would upsell you.

00:21:11.100 Oh, he's selling shit on his side.

00:21:12.000 So this motherfucker was taking the stereos out of the GL-10 sedans, the top, and putting

00:21:17.800 it in your shitty car.

00:21:18.860 Wow.

00:21:19.100 So all these people were paying 20 grand for these high-end cars, and the radio was

00:21:24.540 like an AM radio.

00:21:26.440 And bro, he did it to every five.

00:21:27.940 Like when he got arrested, he had been doing this for years.

00:21:32.080 Like people were buying cars.

00:21:33.140 Made a ton of money.

00:21:33.960 A ton of money.

00:21:34.940 He was selling rims, tires.

00:21:37.140 Then the cops came in again one day and surrounded the building because we had a salesman that

00:21:42.020 used to rob banks at lunchtime.

00:21:43.620 Oh, wow.

00:21:44.300 His name was Carlos Valverde.

00:21:45.860 What a great idea.

00:21:46.620 This guy, and he had nine kids, nine fucking kids he had with the same wife.

00:21:52.740 He had been married like 30 fucking years.

00:21:54.600 He was like 20.

00:21:54.740 Robbing that pussy as well, apparently.

00:21:56.280 He was married 30 years.

00:21:56.860 He was like 22.

00:21:57.920 He was Spanish.

00:21:58.960 Carlos Valverde.

00:21:59.940 That's as Spanish as can be, dude.

00:22:01.500 Never forget this guy.

00:22:02.440 And one day the fucking cops came and surrounded the building.

00:22:05.560 He was fucking robbing banks at lunchtime.

00:22:07.960 Him and four other guys would fucking get cars.

00:22:11.020 I mean, it was fucking crazy.

00:22:12.380 Then I got in trouble there.

00:22:13.640 This car dealership was a professional thievery.

00:22:18.160 Everybody was stealing from everybody.

00:22:19.880 There was a guy in there that robbed banks.

00:22:21.160 That's a great sitcom.

00:22:22.340 Everybody's stealing from everybody.

00:22:23.580 Oh, my God.

00:22:23.960 There was a guy in there that was in probation because he robbed banks.

00:22:28.740 And he just got out of jail doing 20 years for robbing banks.

00:22:32.720 The manager was a biker that would work six months of the year, like cut his hair and shave.

00:22:40.300 And he was a great salesman.

00:22:41.620 Then the other half of the year, he was a biker.

00:22:44.400 Didn't do no drugs.

00:22:45.540 He hated drugs.

00:22:46.740 And he hated the smell of vinegar.

00:22:49.080 Wow.

00:22:49.540 So when I didn't want him there, I would come in and I'd buy a bottle of white vinegar.

00:22:53.160 And I'd take a cap and put it in the corner of his office and spill it.

00:22:56.420 And he'd be in the office within minutes.

00:22:58.300 He'd be like, I smell vinegar, and he'd fucking leave.

00:23:01.960 I used to get Coke bindles and tie like a fish wire to him.

00:23:06.560 And I'd throw him on the floor by him.

00:23:08.500 And I'd roll him from my seat.

00:23:10.460 And he'd be fucking trying to step on it.

00:23:14.380 I had a great time.

00:23:16.000 That sounds so much fun, man.

00:23:17.220 But it's so funny because what I learned that year, I still do today.

00:23:22.840 Right.

00:23:23.120 Like all the things I learned about selling cars and how you should be a salesman, like

00:23:30.440 I still use those principles today.

00:23:33.120 Like they kept me alive in the comedy game.

00:23:35.840 Yeah.

00:23:36.180 Like, you know, so it's kind of.

00:23:38.460 When you're, so you said that your daughter lost her tooth.

00:23:42.400 Like, what's that kind of like?

00:23:43.440 So like, what is like, is it hard to go from like, you know, being like, is it hard to

00:23:49.920 switch into like a dad mode?

00:23:51.440 Like, did you ever worry that it would be hard to switch into like a dad mode?

00:23:54.120 Or is it just kind of naturally happening?

00:23:55.800 Because I, you know, like sometimes, you know, especially as a comedian, as kind of like

00:23:59.620 the center of attention, you know, sometimes whether we want to be or not, you know, and

00:24:04.060 then like have your daughter be the center of attention.

00:24:07.060 Is that different?

00:24:07.740 Like, is it, is like a, is it unique or anything?

00:24:09.760 What's that like?

00:24:10.360 Like, I've had like five lives, man.

00:24:14.720 Yeah.

00:24:15.320 So like, I leave here now, I go over the hill, I pick her up at a quarter to four from camp

00:24:23.220 and I take her to Muay Thai.

00:24:26.720 And then I got a half hour in between Muay Thai and swimming.

00:24:30.060 Yeah.

00:24:30.640 And then I sit there for a fucking hour and sit with her.

00:24:33.160 And then from there we go to dinner tonight because it's Wednesday night.

00:24:36.180 So it's spaghetti night.

00:24:36.960 So it's spaghetti night.

00:24:38.020 And it's, uh, and does she like, if she's in the pool, you know, you're just watching

00:24:41.720 her.

00:24:41.880 She just, it's like all the dad stuff.

00:24:43.380 Yeah.

00:24:43.840 You know, and I'm very fortunate because a lot of the people on the pool are moms.

00:24:47.560 Right.

00:24:48.160 I could go with my wife.

00:24:49.500 Oh, nice.

00:24:50.020 You know, the way I look at it, I got a second chance of being a dad.

00:24:53.300 Wow.

00:24:53.760 I fucked up the first time.

00:24:55.100 So now I do it to the T.

00:24:57.260 I'm the type of guy, if you give me a second chance or something, that's it.

00:25:00.060 Whatever the past was, was the past.

00:25:02.060 Next time I'll do it to the fucking letter.

00:25:04.420 Yeah.

00:25:05.240 And it's all that's going on right now in my life is very important.

00:25:09.140 Like every aspect of it, the balance I have.

00:25:12.160 You show up.

00:25:12.960 You show up every day.

00:25:14.220 I give a fuck about my family.

00:25:16.100 Yeah.

00:25:16.360 We got to feed our family.

00:25:17.820 We got to eat and we got to act like a family.

00:25:20.500 If not, we're going to end up like an LA family.

00:25:23.420 Yeah.

00:25:23.960 Divorced and I got a 16 year old wife and I don't want that.

00:25:26.700 I did that already.

00:25:27.500 Yeah.

00:25:27.940 I did that already.

00:25:28.780 I want a family.

00:25:29.600 I want to go home at night.

00:25:30.480 And so I enjoy my comedic life.

00:25:33.040 I love my podcast life.

00:25:34.880 Yeah.

00:25:35.540 You know, I love going to the store and bump into you guys.

00:25:37.980 I know.

00:25:38.280 It's so much fun.

00:25:39.240 Last night was so much fun in the parking lot.

00:25:41.080 And sticking your fingers up somebody's ass.

00:25:43.380 You're talking about this.

00:25:44.680 And then I went and got pizza at Joe's and I brought a Sicilian slice for Lee and his buddy.

00:25:50.520 And they waited for me by their open mic.

00:25:52.760 Oh, that's cool.

00:25:53.240 So we sat in the parking lot till 1230 eating pizza, talking shit.

00:25:57.380 And people were pulling on going, Joey, what's happening?

00:25:59.280 And we're talking about black dick and fucking how, it's funny because I'm going, yeah, the

00:26:05.360 chick, she liked black dick.

00:26:07.160 She liked the banana mist around the dick.

00:26:09.560 And I've got a black guy pulls up and going, it's funny you're here.

00:26:11.960 I was just talking about black people.

00:26:13.520 He came over.

00:26:14.220 We started telling him about banana dicks.

00:26:16.420 I mean, we were there till about 1230 just talking.

00:26:19.040 And then I go home and I wash my hands.

00:26:23.140 I pee, you know.

00:26:25.620 Check on the kid.

00:26:26.480 And then I walk into her room tiptoe.

00:26:28.260 Yeah.

00:26:28.900 And I turn the turtle off.

00:26:31.480 That's doing like this psychedelic show.

00:26:33.560 It's crazy.

00:26:34.340 They put kids through some of that.

00:26:35.440 So now I turn this other thing off.

00:26:37.560 And then I give her a kiss.

00:26:39.000 Yeah.

00:26:39.120 And I say, you know, God bless you.

00:26:40.440 And then I walk to my office and there I am smoking dope.

00:26:44.920 Yeah.

00:26:45.340 Two minutes later.

00:26:46.380 And then, you know.

00:26:47.400 So it's like I have nine lines.

00:26:49.000 Yeah.

00:26:49.540 In between.

00:26:50.040 And they're all going on at once.

00:26:51.200 You know, I really respect that fathership shit.

00:26:53.420 Like, I don't get high.

00:26:54.840 Like, if I get high before, like, swimming or something, I do Listerine.

00:26:59.100 I change my shirt.

00:27:00.040 I put Visine in my eyes.

00:27:01.580 Show up like at least a pro.

00:27:02.580 Yeah.

00:27:02.860 I show up like a pro.

00:27:03.660 I don't show up like fucking, you know, looking like Cheech and Cheech.

00:27:06.640 You're not having your daughter hold the roach in her swim bag.

00:27:09.400 In fact, yesterday morning I got up because she went to pre-care for us, right?

00:27:14.020 She went to, at two, she went to like pre-care.

00:27:17.060 Mm-hmm.

00:27:17.400 And I was against it.

00:27:19.360 But when my wife took me and I saw the kids, I go, what are we going to do?

00:27:23.740 Keep her in the house all day.

00:27:25.140 Right.

00:27:25.500 Because it's fun that you do art and stuff like that and they get to interact with other kids.

00:27:28.380 You got to interact with other kids.

00:27:29.260 That's a huge.

00:27:29.880 That's the biggest thing.

00:27:30.460 You got to interact with other fucking kids.

00:27:32.060 Yeah.

00:27:32.360 That's the big thing that when I came from Cuba, I had a big problem.

00:27:36.700 I didn't speak the language, bro.

00:27:38.140 Yeah.

00:27:38.380 I didn't speak the language and then my father died.

00:27:41.760 So I was like Vito when he came from Italy.

00:27:43.980 You ever see The Godfather 2?

00:27:45.760 When Vito came, he was like a half a fucking retard.

00:27:48.620 He was like singing songs at the INS.

00:27:51.320 He was like singing.

00:27:51.960 Yeah, he's like one of those guys going through my neighborhood with no radio.

00:27:54.020 Yeah, with no radio.

00:27:54.920 Yeah.

00:27:55.380 And that was me.

00:27:56.140 I was damaged goods.

00:27:57.320 I was damaged goods.

00:27:58.640 But my mom had me in an adult world because she didn't believe in daycare.

00:28:03.780 So here I am with her at the track.

00:28:05.660 I'm at the bar with her that she owned.

00:28:07.540 Yeah.

00:28:07.860 You're at the laundromat.

00:28:09.340 You're learning about everything.

00:28:10.260 That didn't do me no favors.

00:28:12.080 Right.

00:28:12.340 Yeah, it showed me the world.

00:28:13.840 But it also slowed me back.

00:28:15.940 It took me years to start to share.

00:28:17.560 It took your childhood away.

00:28:18.980 Probably took a lot of your childhood away.

00:28:19.900 I was a single child.

00:28:21.420 Yeah.

00:28:21.600 So that don't help either.

00:28:22.900 So you don't learn how to chair.

00:28:24.180 You don't learn how to do.

00:28:25.380 You get jealousy issues if a kid is around your mom.

00:28:28.320 So I had to learn to deal with all that.

00:28:30.240 With me, I wanted her.

00:28:32.440 Listen, man.

00:28:33.280 Let's fucking be honest.

00:28:35.380 As men.

00:28:36.180 Let's be fucking honest.

00:28:37.940 Your mom was hot?

00:28:38.980 No.

00:28:39.440 My mom was a fucking dirty whore.

00:28:40.940 Oh, sorry.

00:28:41.740 Sorry.

00:28:42.080 I know what we're being honest about.

00:28:43.520 My mom was okay.

00:28:44.300 She's about a seven or eight.

00:28:45.200 Let's be as honest as we can, you know.

00:28:47.940 A woman has to fight hard in this world.

00:28:50.060 Oh, yeah.

00:28:50.880 Okay?

00:28:51.880 It's just the way it is, ladies.

00:28:53.040 I'm not here to tell you why or how.

00:28:56.480 It's the way it's always been.

00:28:57.820 It's a tough time.

00:28:59.380 The odds are against a woman from day one.

00:29:01.740 I'm trying to shorten those odds.

00:29:04.160 If I could get her from nine to one odds to seven to three, I did my job as a dad.

00:29:08.940 Amen.

00:29:09.500 I love that.

00:29:09.880 And that's filling in those voids.

00:29:11.920 See, I thought being a dad was buying your kid a $22.

00:29:15.200 $22 car.

00:29:16.320 No.

00:29:17.280 At 25, when I had my kid, I thought that that's what having a child was.

00:29:23.020 Having a child is when, dog, my phone's ringing.

00:29:27.540 I don't give a fuck that it's ringing.

00:29:29.940 And I'm on the floor with her drawing crayons every night.

00:29:34.880 Yeah.

00:29:35.400 Like every night, her and I sit together, and we get crayons, and she yells at me,

00:29:39.560 why don't you use markers?

00:29:41.320 I'm like, because I'm fucking old school.

00:29:42.840 I like crayons, bitch.

00:29:44.460 You know what I'm saying?

00:29:45.200 I'm a crayon type of motherfucker.

00:29:47.420 And while I'm doing that crayon, I'm thinking about my life.

00:29:49.840 I'm looking at her, and I'm thinking about the shit I didn't do as a kid.

00:29:53.560 But that's every night.

00:29:54.300 You get that second chance.

00:29:55.280 When I get home, we eat dinner.

00:29:56.520 She says her prayers.

00:29:57.980 Even though I'm talking about eating assholes all day and fucking that fucking Polish fuck

00:30:02.280 and all this shit that comes out of my mouth, then at 6 o'clock, I'm this guy that says prayers

00:30:08.200 at the table.

00:30:09.000 Yeah.

00:30:09.820 And Mercy, take your elbows off the table.

00:30:11.580 And I talk to her in Spanish.

00:30:13.240 Oh, I like that.

00:30:13.920 So if I say, oye, que esta pasando?

00:30:15.840 I'll say, oye, que esta pasando?

00:30:17.660 How is school today?

00:30:18.640 I'm at campo hoy.

00:30:20.140 So whatever I say to her in English, I say to her in Spanish.

00:30:23.220 And even if she don't understand, she'll understand me as she gets older.

00:30:27.100 She gets it.

00:30:27.460 But what are some things that she does that you notice is like you inside of her?

00:30:31.660 That must be kind of cool, huh?

00:30:32.600 To see like a moment in your kid when they like, maybe they laugh a certain way or they

00:30:37.220 look a certain way or they do something.

00:30:39.980 Like, you know, when you see like you in, it's like, you know what I'm talking about?

00:30:44.080 Yeah.

00:30:44.360 No, there's a couple of things I see already.

00:30:46.320 I see that she likes her alone time.

00:30:49.520 Yeah.

00:30:50.340 There's times we walk in from doing something and she's like, later.

00:30:54.120 And there's times I'll go in her room and she'll tell me the truth.

00:30:57.120 She's like, daddy, I want to be alone right now.

00:30:59.300 And I'll hurt my feelings, but then I'll go, I'm the same fucking way.

00:31:02.780 Why would I be hurt?

00:31:04.840 I don't like her temper.

00:31:06.500 Yeah.

00:31:07.460 Sometimes she goes off on my wife and I got to sit her down and she gets red.

00:31:11.820 I see that Cuban blood going.

00:31:13.440 Oh, wow.

00:31:13.720 Yeah.

00:31:14.220 So that Cuban blood is good, but it's bad in some situations.

00:31:18.420 So I want to hone it.

00:31:19.660 Yeah.

00:31:20.160 It's more of a soup.

00:31:21.280 So I brought her into jujitsu about two months ago.

00:31:24.280 And she fell in love with the dude because my daughter's going to be a little dirty whore.

00:31:28.400 I love her to death, but she loves men.

00:31:30.180 And I wanted that.

00:31:31.400 Yeah.

00:31:31.800 I'd want her.

00:31:32.440 Like I bring her around guys, so she's never scared.

00:31:34.940 She's never intimidated.

00:31:35.900 Oh, I like that.

00:31:36.540 My mother was a bookmaker, so she worked with men.

00:31:40.120 And I used to admire how my mother walked into a room and the respect she got from men.

00:31:44.400 And it wasn't a respect that she got because she had big tits and because she laid the

00:31:50.220 law down in that room.

00:31:51.480 Yeah.

00:31:51.840 I came from a very interesting back that I didn't know.

00:31:54.980 When my mother was 16, her and her sister went to a dance in Cuba.

00:31:58.800 Mm-hmm.

00:31:59.840 And my sister, my mother couldn't find her sister.

00:32:03.080 So she went outside and some guy was raping her.

00:32:05.440 Mm-hmm.

00:32:05.780 And my mother broke a bottle and cut the guy, stabbed him from one side of his back to the

00:32:10.720 other.

00:32:11.560 He died.

00:32:12.660 Wow.

00:32:12.840 So we had to get my mother out of Cuba into the States.

00:32:15.740 So my mom went to like Caracao first.

00:32:18.680 Curacao, yeah.

00:32:19.340 Curacao first.

00:32:20.300 Yeah, we have a military base there, a huge military base.

00:32:22.300 Huge.

00:32:22.640 And then she went to the States.

00:32:24.420 And then she went back to Cuba with a fake identity and everything disappeared.

00:32:28.440 Wow.

00:32:28.760 So I look at my daughter and I think about me and I know that that's in my blood.

00:32:33.800 It's in there.

00:32:34.200 Yeah, that that's a possibility.

00:32:36.200 Yeah.

00:32:36.440 My mom had to think quick.

00:32:38.740 I never knew the story until she died.

00:32:40.940 Wow, she's fearless.

00:32:41.920 I never knew the story.

00:32:42.860 I saw her in action.

00:32:44.580 In fact, yesterday I was writing.

00:32:45.340 Man, she must have been a strong woman, huh?

00:32:46.980 Well, yesterday I was writing a fucking thing.

00:32:48.960 Mm-hmm.

00:32:49.300 Because I usually, like when you go write jokes, sometimes you can't write jokes.

00:32:53.360 So just sitting there licking a pen, I'll fucking just write a story.

00:32:56.840 Yeah.

00:32:57.120 You know, like let's write it.

00:32:58.380 And I wrote a story about me and karate and how I got into karate.

00:33:01.660 I got into karate because I played hooky and I got hit in the head with a lunchbox and

00:33:06.100 I got stitches and I told my mother.

00:33:08.620 And the next day she walked me to a black karate school, all black.

00:33:12.160 Black people doing karate?

00:33:13.080 Oh, yeah.

00:33:13.540 No way.

00:33:13.900 In 1969, 68, New York City.

00:33:16.880 How's that not a documentary?

00:33:17.460 As a matter of fact, you know Laranja Orange, the guy that acts Brazilian that hangs out

00:33:23.940 with all these guys is Eddie's Black Belt?

00:33:26.200 Oh, wait, is it not Shea or what's that guy's name?

00:33:29.580 He used to do...

00:33:30.340 He does the Brazilian accent.

00:33:33.220 His father was my first karate teacher.

00:33:34.800 Eve, not Eve.

00:33:35.680 Mr. Orange.

00:33:37.180 You know what I'm talking about?

00:33:37.800 That guy, Eve, that comes down sometimes?

00:33:39.840 He's like friends with Tate Fletcher and those guys?

00:33:42.040 No.

00:33:42.380 It's not him.

00:33:42.780 And Mickey Gall, he comes with those guys?

00:33:44.220 Yeah, no, no, no.

00:33:44.960 Not him?

00:33:45.680 No, this guy's one of Eddie's Black Belts.

00:33:47.440 Wow.

00:33:47.900 He has a show, the little Ranjo Naranja.

00:33:50.380 He's a black dude, but he makes believe he's Brazilian.

00:33:52.780 Oh, wow.

00:33:53.360 That capoeira boy, huh?

00:33:55.100 Yeah, he insults everybody.

00:33:56.460 His father was my first black belt.

00:33:58.900 And his father would walk around with a fucking wooden sword and hit you.

00:34:01.820 There was no giggling allowed.

00:34:03.340 That's crazy.

00:34:03.840 And I remember I got kicked in the stomach one time and got the wind knocked out of me.

00:34:07.420 And I'm like, I'm not going back.

00:34:08.960 And my mom grabbed me.

00:34:09.940 She goes, you don't go back in there.

00:34:11.000 I'm going to kick you in the stomach 50 fucking times.

00:34:13.540 So get back in there.

00:34:14.860 That's no big deal.

00:34:15.900 You got kicked one time.

00:34:17.300 He would make you run on the streets with your gi on barefoot in 1968.

00:34:23.720 So you'd be running past all your friends.

00:34:25.540 And then the next day you'd go to school and your friend's like, hey, karate man.

00:34:28.560 Come on, show us some karate and shit.

00:34:30.820 So then you'd be put on the spot, Connie.

00:34:32.320 You kind of had to respect your art.

00:34:33.840 You had to show your art to your friends.

00:34:35.500 And then you decide for yourself, do I respect my art?

00:34:38.020 Am I going to show it?

00:34:38.720 Or what am I going to do in this moment?

00:34:39.960 That's why I love the martial arts so much.

00:34:41.700 Because at that time I was so fucked up.

00:34:43.480 But they brought me into something.

00:34:45.340 And I used to get bullied by this kid, Rudy the Haitian.

00:34:47.840 He was a Haitian kid.

00:34:49.060 Yeah, Haitians can be wild, man.

00:34:50.380 It's risky.

00:34:50.960 It's 50-50 shot every time with a Haitian.

00:34:52.300 And this is the 60s in New York.

00:34:53.700 I don't even know what a Haitian is.

00:34:55.040 But the whole neighborhood called him Rudy the Haitian.

00:34:57.400 And he was about my age.

00:34:58.960 And he would beat me up like once a month or whatever.

00:35:01.900 And one day I got the karate down.

00:35:03.520 I lit this motherfucker up, Jack.

00:35:05.280 I lit him up with kicks.

00:35:06.600 Some fucking double drag, huh?

00:35:07.560 Oh, yeah.

00:35:07.940 I got him with like 20 kicks to the stomach and shit.

00:35:10.800 And then the next time I fought him, his father came downstairs and grabbed my arms and pinned me and let him hit me.

00:35:16.040 And then his father took me upstairs.

00:35:17.880 It was a cheat code.

00:35:18.780 And my mother would wake up in the mornings, take me to school.

00:35:21.100 But my mom would have a bar.

00:35:22.800 So she wouldn't go to bed till 4 in the morning.

00:35:25.400 So she would do all this shit and then come home and take her afternoon nap.

00:35:29.600 And this one particular day he came upstairs, knocked on my mom's door, which big mistake.

00:35:35.040 Yeah.

00:35:35.280 My mom opened the door like, what's going on?

00:35:37.320 And he's like, the next time your son hits my son, I'm going to hit him and I'm going to hit you.

00:35:41.020 And my mom got a fucking kitchen knife and chased him up the stairs.

00:35:45.100 I was like five.

00:35:46.700 Damn.

00:35:47.100 I was like crying.

00:35:48.060 Mom's going to get there.

00:35:49.080 And all of a sudden my mom came down holding the knife, said, that motherfucker will never fuck with you again.

00:35:53.520 And we went inside.

00:35:54.720 But the lady next door had seen everything that went down in the apartment.

00:35:58.020 Everybody in the floor.

00:35:59.720 But it was the 70s.

00:36:00.760 There was no camera.

00:36:01.840 And Americans shut their fucking mouth.

00:36:03.340 There was no rats.

00:36:04.440 You were not allowed to talk to the police.

00:36:06.140 You were raised not to talk to the police.

00:36:08.540 And I'll never forget, like 10 minutes later, the cops knocked on.

00:36:10.440 And they had my mom in the hallway.

00:36:12.380 They turned her around.

00:36:13.540 They were about to arrest her.

00:36:14.860 He kept saying that my mother had a knife.

00:36:16.760 And the little old lady came out with a fucking, what do you call those things?

00:36:22.000 Knitting and probably knitting a cross or something.

00:36:24.680 Rosary beads.

00:36:25.740 Oh, yeah.

00:36:26.100 And she goes, I saw the whole thing.

00:36:27.460 She didn't have a knife.

00:36:28.760 And that was it.

00:36:29.280 She had a spoon.

00:36:30.680 She was stirring coffee.

00:36:31.820 Isn't that right?

00:36:32.600 And my mom goes, yeah, see, in Spanish.

00:36:34.640 And the cops were like, all right, let it go.

00:36:37.380 And my mom was telling Rudy's father in Spanish that, well, my father, you're a puta.

00:36:41.260 All this shit.

00:36:42.540 And a week later, Rudy's family moved from the building.

00:36:45.560 We never saw the Haitians again.

00:36:47.360 Wow.

00:36:49.360 Now, with your mom being so tough, was it tough to feel affection from her?

00:36:53.660 Because sometimes, like, my mom's a hard worker, right?

00:36:55.320 My mom delivered, you know, she's a delivery woman, you know.

00:36:57.980 She delivered newspapers since when I was a kid.

00:36:59.960 She delivers magazines now.

00:37:02.880 She's always had a fucking van, you know.

00:37:04.820 Now she's got her husband.

00:37:06.380 He's has Alzheimer's.

00:37:07.200 She doesn't even know he's in the van.

00:37:08.220 He's with her every day just fucking bouncing around in the fucking passenger seat.

00:37:13.040 She had to get a fucking second seatbelt installed for him because he fucking would kind of sleep.

00:37:17.080 He's getting little.

00:37:17.680 He would slip out of the fucking first one.

00:37:19.580 But now she's got him just basically in a fucking straitjacket just bouncing around.

00:37:25.300 He has no clue where he is.

00:37:26.840 Just delivering fucking news on wheels every day, you know.

00:37:30.080 I think he's about 90, you know.

00:37:31.540 Your mom still does this?

00:37:33.000 Your mom still does it, dude.

00:37:34.580 And here's the worst part, bro.

00:37:35.540 She got a good deal on this van, right?

00:37:37.600 My mom likes a good deal.

00:37:38.860 And she got a good deal on this van.

00:37:40.320 It has no wind.

00:37:41.100 None of the side or back windows, bro.

00:37:43.280 So her fucking GPS is the Lord, bro.

00:37:46.620 So she's just fucking bouncing around.

00:37:48.440 He's got him in a thing.

00:37:50.280 But she's out there delivering all these things, man.

00:37:52.880 She won't not work, you know.

00:37:55.040 Like I could tell her, like, look, you know, I give her some money every month, but she wouldn't have anything else to do.

00:38:00.340 You know, it's like her identity.

00:38:01.980 But then for me, it was hard to like, for me, that kind of mom was hard to connect with, you know,

00:38:07.280 because that she just had, you know, she, for me, I looked at my mom as like the mom and the dad.

00:38:14.560 I didn't realize it when I was a kid.

00:38:16.700 But, you know, do you find it was tough to like have an emotional, like a mother-son connection when your mom is like such a, has to be such a bravado, you know what I'm saying, kind of?

00:38:26.000 I grew up without a dad.

00:38:27.800 I had a stepdad.

00:38:30.960 My mom was tough.

00:38:32.820 Yeah.

00:38:33.200 My mom was very tough.

00:38:34.520 In today's world, it would be light abuse.

00:38:38.100 But I'm thankful.

00:38:39.100 Yeah, same.

00:38:39.660 I'm thankful for everything she did because my mom prepared me for the world.

00:38:46.760 Today, I'm not raising my daughter.

00:38:49.420 I'm preparing my daughter just in case something happens to me.

00:38:54.820 My mom did a great job, but she left a lot of gaps.

00:38:58.840 And that's where the damage came in.

00:39:00.560 Right.

00:39:01.080 So what I did differently is I write all the damage down.

00:39:04.580 I write for my daughter.

00:39:06.020 So I write every couple of days what I'm feeling, what my thoughts are, kind of like Jack's teller on Sons of Anarchy.

00:39:12.580 Yeah.

00:39:13.180 So if something does happen to you, she knows what's going on.

00:39:15.720 She has all the fucking answers.

00:39:17.680 She'll never, she'll know the truth.

00:39:19.000 You know, I don't tell my daughter, I'm a comedian.

00:39:21.260 I don't show her because if not, she's going to want to be a fucking comic in front of the stage.

00:39:25.340 Right.

00:39:25.620 Don't tell them.

00:39:26.380 I don't even, like the pre-K teacher the other day said, have your daddy help you write it, but it's got to be clean.

00:39:32.480 I don't want that shit.

00:39:33.540 Don't tell her because it's going to be all right for her to be the class clown.

00:39:36.980 Right.

00:39:37.280 I don't want her to be the class clown.

00:39:38.320 Yeah.

00:39:39.080 My mom, dog, made me fight.

00:39:41.960 My mom brought a girl home for me the first time.

00:39:44.400 What the fuck?

00:39:45.460 Till this day, I can look you guys both in the eye, and I don't even know if I fucked her.

00:39:50.280 I think I passed out from fear.

00:39:52.040 You know what I'm saying?

00:39:52.660 Yeah.

00:39:52.900 I came on a girl once and just fucking, and then lied about it, made her, then I got so scared,

00:39:57.040 I fucking left out of my own window in my room, and I was too embarrassed to walk through

00:40:00.200 my own fucking house.

00:40:01.020 It was a party at my house, and I just fucking left, bro.

00:40:04.100 And there's all these people just driving silently up and down the street, fucking singing in

00:40:07.500 their cars, and I'm like, this is a fucking crazy world, man.

00:40:10.640 Do I sound like I got a little bit of flavor up in my throat?

00:40:12.920 Well, I just might.

00:40:14.240 Because that's because I'm having a couple little handfuls, a little pawfuls of that Lakeside

00:40:19.720 Maple.

00:40:20.580 Mm-mm.

00:40:22.460 Daddy got the hitter right there.

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00:41:12.700 About to have me a little pawful.

00:41:14.020 The legend collection just dropped, and you can see one just landed right on my head.

00:41:19.840 This is a hood hat.

00:41:21.740 And these hats are specific, man.

00:41:23.420 You want a hat now that represents your block, your field, your alley, your neighborhood.

00:41:28.520 You know, and that's what these are.

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00:41:43.740 Davis Wade.

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00:42:17.440 Get that hat up.

00:42:20.100 It's a fucking crazy world, man.

00:42:21.740 And what we do, like think of the world our head lives in.

00:42:26.740 Have you ever thought of what we do?

00:42:29.360 Have you ever gone to an open mic and seen a bunch of guys that are in it for four years

00:42:34.620 and it takes you right back to it and going like,

00:42:38.080 Damn.

00:42:38.680 What made me stick with this?

00:42:40.500 Yeah.

00:42:41.260 With this abuse at the four-year mark.

00:42:45.360 You're not really a feature.

00:42:46.980 You're starting to emcee.

00:42:49.020 Your home club hates you.

00:42:51.080 Your friends go to Montreal.

00:42:53.360 You're not going to Montreal.

00:42:54.140 Oh, that's the worst.

00:42:54.640 You know, it's all these emotions that most people can't hang.

00:43:00.060 Listen, I've been here 27 years.

00:43:02.480 I've seen a ton of people come and I've seen a ton of people go.

00:43:07.900 I've seen people that I've gone to gigs with that have conversations.

00:43:11.880 They love comedy.

00:43:13.140 This is what they do.

00:43:14.660 And a year later, I go to a commercial audition and there they are in there with a camera going,

00:43:19.320 Well, you know, it was a little on the tough side and you're like, what are you talking about?

00:43:23.720 We just did a gig together and you were telling me how this is what I do.

00:43:28.880 This is what we do.

00:43:30.040 Yeah, it chooses you after a while.

00:43:32.380 I think this sport, like comedy just chooses you.

00:43:37.160 I don't even know.

00:43:38.200 I don't even feel when I get up on the stage anymore like I'm trying to make them laugh.

00:43:43.040 I just feel like this is what I have to do to get through the day or the week.

00:43:47.980 It's just like part of the week.

00:43:49.280 It's almost like getting out of bed and making coffee or something.

00:43:51.640 I used to feel up there like I was in this moment where like, okay, I got to let's see how this works and let's see how this works.

00:43:57.500 And now I feel like I can finally just kind of be up there.

00:44:00.320 You know, did you start to notice that as you got along in it?

00:44:02.760 Like you can just kind of the goal in the end is almost just to kind of get to the way you are in front of your friends.

00:44:08.000 Like you joke around in front of your friends, but when you get on stage, it's this different pressure.

00:44:11.340 But eventually it all comes all the way back around where the whole crowd just feels like you're in front of your friends.

00:44:16.660 I want you to just think of this word of words.

00:44:19.340 I'm sorry.

00:44:19.720 The Journey of Emotion.

00:44:22.960 How long have you been doing comedy for?

00:44:24.760 15.

00:44:25.540 So in those 15 years, I want you to think where your emotions were before you went on stage when you started, where your emotions were when you get on stage now.

00:44:34.080 It's fucking two different fucking worlds.

00:44:36.440 Now, three months ago, I could look you both in the face when you came to see me in Vegas.

00:44:40.720 And I'm going to tell you, motherfuckers, I was damaged goods.

00:44:43.560 Because it happens.

00:44:44.700 This is the human brain.

00:44:46.080 And sometimes our brain gets fucking fried in between everything.

00:44:49.840 Not to mention the reefer.

00:44:51.360 Not to mention being a father.

00:44:53.220 Not to mention a thousand variables.

00:44:55.620 But guess what?

00:44:57.120 Motherfucker, I'm back now.

00:44:59.040 Comedy-wise, I'm back.

00:45:00.620 Because I got lost.

00:45:02.100 I watched John Mulaney, and I thought I wanted to be John Mulaney, who's a great fucking comic.

00:45:06.280 Yeah.

00:45:06.600 Great writer.

00:45:07.560 But guess what?

00:45:08.620 I'll never be John Mulaney, and I'll never be Theo Vaughn.

00:45:11.320 Yeah.

00:45:11.540 And guess what's even better?

00:45:13.080 Theo Vaughn will never be John Mulaney, and he'll never be Joe Diaz.

00:45:15.820 Why?

00:45:16.460 Because he's fucking Theo Vaughn.

00:45:18.000 Yeah.

00:45:18.280 And Joe Diaz is Joe Diaz.

00:45:20.160 And you know what?

00:45:20.960 Once I put that together, I'm brand new again.

00:45:23.440 Yeah.

00:45:23.660 Like, I feel like I'm 20 fucking eight now when I go on stage.

00:45:26.980 Like, now you got a fucking problem.

00:45:29.660 Last night, I ate up that main room.

00:45:31.500 The original room, I got my ass kicked.

00:45:33.220 You know what I'm saying?

00:45:33.840 You can't win every fight.

00:45:35.600 You know what I'm saying?

00:45:36.540 The main room, I fucking came out there last night.

00:45:39.280 If I would have had a Xanax at the seven-minute mark, I would have had to take it.

00:45:42.760 Because I could feel my heart ready to jump out of my chest.

00:45:46.400 And that's what comedy is all about.

00:45:48.220 Yeah.

00:45:48.620 When you still feel that in your balls, that's what it's all about.

00:45:52.360 For months, I wasn't feeling it.

00:45:53.960 The business part got to me.

00:45:55.260 Yeah, the business part's scary.

00:45:56.300 The business part sucks dick.

00:45:57.660 The fucking numbers and this and that and the tickets.

00:46:01.300 You know what?

00:46:02.040 I don't give a fuck.

00:46:03.620 You don't want to come see me?

00:46:04.600 Don't fucking come see me.

00:46:05.880 I'm still going to do what I do on stage.

00:46:07.960 I'm going to be crazier than ever.

00:46:10.420 Crazier than ever.

00:46:11.180 I don't give a fuck about society or how fucking what you can say and what you can't say.

00:46:15.940 That's got nothing to do with me, bro.

00:46:17.640 I'm a comic.

00:46:18.740 And I'm sick and fucking tired of what's going on.

00:46:21.260 No more safety net.

00:46:22.580 Yeah.

00:46:22.980 You know, I was making excuses up to you.

00:46:24.820 I'm not going to the comedy store no more because I can't work out new material.

00:46:28.960 Too bad.

00:46:29.880 Work it out at the comedy store.

00:46:31.720 Work it out.

00:46:32.600 If you bomb, you bomb.

00:46:34.400 Yeah.

00:46:34.720 That's what Mitchie Shaw intended that place to be.

00:46:37.020 But in my head, I'm like, well, they pay $25.

00:46:39.660 I can't bomb.

00:46:40.340 Fuck you.

00:46:41.880 Fuck you.

00:46:42.860 I got to take a chance on a fucking tightrope.

00:46:45.060 If not, I just become a comedic robot.

00:46:47.660 And that's what I was becoming.

00:46:49.140 A comedic, scared robot.

00:46:52.260 No, man.

00:46:53.640 No.

00:46:54.120 No more.

00:46:54.960 If I'm in the middle of a bit and I think of something that happened, I'm dropping it.

00:46:58.940 And if I forget the bit, so be it.

00:47:02.000 So be it.

00:47:02.800 I'm going where my mind takes me now.

00:47:04.960 My balls are connected to my heart.

00:47:06.980 I connect it to my brains.

00:47:08.560 And that's it from now on.

00:47:09.900 I'm 55.

00:47:10.860 What do I got?

00:47:11.580 Five, six years left to do comedy before you're too old and ugly to get on stage.

00:47:15.520 And people like Joey, let it go.

00:47:17.300 You know what I'm saying?

00:47:17.620 My mom will drive you to fucking gigs for the rest of your life.

00:47:20.400 I am so over comedy.

00:47:22.160 Now, like, the Netflix special, all that stuff was like I shed like this snake skin.

00:47:27.220 Yeah.

00:47:27.380 I'm like, I'm done.

00:47:29.120 There is this skin that comes in with the industry that it's like, it's not cool for guys like us.

00:47:33.040 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:47:34.400 It's not your thing.

00:47:35.400 Don't fucking tell me what to say.

00:47:37.100 Don't tell me not to fucking say.

00:47:39.900 Number two, I went, bro, and I went and I bought every piece over the year, the last couple of years.

00:47:45.900 You know, with the podcast, we have great families that we've developed.

00:47:48.840 Oh, yeah.

00:47:49.300 They know my love for comedy.

00:47:50.560 So people started bringing me albums.

00:47:53.160 Bob Newhart albums.

00:47:54.360 Oh, wow.

00:47:55.420 And fucking Lenny Bruce live from Carnegie Hall.

00:47:59.200 And fucking, they brought me all the Richard Pryor albums.

00:48:01.980 The good one, Bicentennial Nigger, and The Good One, Something I Said, or The Nigger's Crazy.

00:48:08.000 Those are raw Richard Pryor.

00:48:09.840 Wow.

00:48:10.260 And I forced myself to put them back on turntable.

00:48:13.880 Fuck, fuck videos.

00:48:15.140 Yeah.

00:48:15.540 Fuck watching fucking specials anymore.

00:48:17.260 Think about it in your head.

00:48:18.280 Put it on video.

00:48:19.380 Look how they did it.

00:48:20.620 They would do a tour and tape the bit the best way it came out.

00:48:25.420 You could hear the bit end, and then it'd start all over again.

00:48:28.320 So the albums were brilliant.

00:48:29.900 Yeah.

00:48:30.140 Why aren't we doing that?

00:48:32.320 Yeah.

00:48:32.660 Why aren't we doing that?

00:48:33.820 I don't want a special ever again.

00:48:35.800 Yeah.

00:48:36.380 Ever again do I want to shoot a special.

00:48:38.320 You know what's so-

00:48:38.840 From now on, it's just out.

00:48:39.920 Yeah.

00:48:40.220 I want you to listen.

00:48:41.340 I want them to hear the glasses.

00:48:43.280 I want them to hear the fucking breathing.

00:48:45.880 I want them-

00:48:46.500 That's what comedy is to me.

00:48:48.160 Yeah.

00:48:48.500 The specials, they forgot how to shoot them.

00:48:50.320 Oh, 100%.

00:48:51.320 They forgot how to shoot them.

00:48:52.080 A bunch of fucking-

00:48:52.760 Go look at Lenny Bruce.

00:48:53.660 Everybody tries to be avant-garde now.

00:48:55.620 They're showing you the audience.

00:48:56.800 They want to show you your fire.

00:48:58.840 Just show the stand-up from the waist to the head doing stand-up.

00:49:02.260 Yeah.

00:49:02.560 Don't show me the fucking audience.

00:49:04.360 Because I watched somebody special.

00:49:06.700 He was bombing.

00:49:08.200 The audience wasn't laughing.

00:49:11.260 Yeah.

00:49:12.000 And you could hear like this laughter.

00:49:13.840 If you laugh, you go like this.

00:49:15.500 You move back and forth when you laugh.

00:49:17.340 This audience was stiffened and fucked.

00:49:19.380 Yeah.

00:49:19.600 And you could hear the laugh track.

00:49:21.120 You know, Netflix is about to drop what?

00:49:22.820 47 new specials?

00:49:24.060 Crazy.

00:49:24.380 That means nobody's going to get to watch them.

00:49:26.100 We're all going to be caught in a mess.

00:49:27.880 Yeah.

00:49:28.080 What are we even going to do?

00:49:28.980 It's almost like Netflix doesn't even care if people watch them.

00:49:31.440 It's just that they want to say that they own it.

00:49:34.020 You know what I'm saying?

00:49:34.520 In a weird way, a lot of networks have become like-

00:49:37.820 And I'm not likening this to slavery at all.

00:49:40.360 But they've become-

00:49:42.360 That's what it's almost about.

00:49:44.080 It's like, how can I own a piece of this person?

00:49:46.880 As opposed to like, how can I push this art?

00:49:49.760 You know, like I find that with some-

00:49:51.300 It's just like-

00:49:52.820 I don't know.

00:49:54.820 It's just sometimes I'm like, I want to be freer than that.

00:49:58.860 You know?

00:49:59.420 I want to be freer than that.

00:50:00.600 And like, you know, I mean, I feel so fortunate like, you know, just to be like-

00:50:04.920 Even, you know, fighter and the kid guys.

00:50:06.680 And, you know, to be able to be friends with guys like you.

00:50:09.020 And Joe and, you know, just becoming better friends with some of these guys.

00:50:14.940 Where it's like, I feel like we're in this free space.

00:50:18.420 You know?

00:50:18.880 It's like, we don't have to-

00:50:20.480 Dude, I hated for years, man.

00:50:21.840 I used to not be able to be myself in this town, man.

00:50:24.680 And it made me feel like where I-

00:50:25.820 You know, there was something here that made me feel like where I would-

00:50:27.800 Like I had to like, try and act like the second best friend on a sitcom or something.

00:50:32.800 And it was just-

00:50:33.840 Man, I just hated it.

00:50:34.960 And I hated-

00:50:35.580 Fuck you and the fucking horse.

00:50:37.220 You know what the best thing somebody says to you is?

00:50:40.400 Be yourself.

00:50:41.340 Yeah.

00:50:42.020 And we never understand what that is.

00:50:43.660 What's being myself mean?

00:50:46.120 Exactly what I just told you.

00:50:47.300 Yeah.

00:50:48.040 You just said it.

00:50:49.060 The goal of comedy is to appear to them like you're talking to your friends.

00:50:53.260 Yes.

00:50:54.040 When I talk to my friends, what do I talk about?

00:50:55.900 And they love it.

00:50:56.660 Do I talk about intelligent stuff?

00:50:58.340 Do I try to make believe I'm intelligent?

00:50:59.780 I know.

00:51:00.060 No, I talk about the filthiest, whatever the fuck is on my mind is racist.

00:51:03.520 You talk about whatever.

00:51:04.440 Some shit is racist.

00:51:05.540 I'm not racist.

00:51:06.720 Yeah.

00:51:07.020 Some shit, you got to say it with color.

00:51:08.820 Or if not, it's not going to fucking come the fuck out, right?

00:51:11.140 Yeah.

00:51:11.420 You know, some shit.

00:51:12.360 We're living in this.

00:51:14.340 Don't come to the show.

00:51:16.140 Yeah.

00:51:16.440 You know what, man?

00:51:17.460 When I came here 20 years ago, I really, really, really wanted to be on TV.

00:51:21.800 We all do.

00:51:22.820 Mm-hmm.

00:51:23.060 But now, after you do this, and we have this freedom, really?

00:51:26.980 You want to go work at CBS and have somebody come up to you and go, excuse me, but the

00:51:31.740 word is the instead of and?

00:51:33.480 Yeah.

00:51:33.860 Does it make a difference?

00:51:35.140 Yeah.

00:51:35.280 Ain't nobody watching this shitty fucking show anyway.

00:51:37.280 Yeah.

00:51:37.600 Does it make a difference whether I say and or the?

00:51:40.300 They pay some lady to come up to you and tell you, oh, the word is car.

00:51:43.820 And so, who gives a fuck?

00:51:45.660 Who gives a fuck?

00:51:47.500 You know, so.

00:51:48.180 Yeah, it's ridiculous, bro.

00:51:48.840 You know, that's why I always looked at comics early on when in the 70s and the 80s

00:51:54.260 and 90s, a lot of comics ended up in rehab that were on TV.

00:51:57.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:58.580 You're fighting it with yourself.

00:52:00.160 As a comic, a real comic should have a hard time on network TV.

00:52:06.120 Yes.

00:52:07.620 Well, I mean, I just had a meet at a lunch with an executive the other day.

00:52:11.420 He's a friend of mine, and we were talking about that.

00:52:13.460 I said, well, y'all get so many fucking writers in giving these shows.

00:52:16.680 These people aren't entertainers.

00:52:18.100 Like, I wouldn't watch half these fucking, you know, they're not even real.

00:52:21.620 They're just writers.

00:52:22.740 Like, why do y'all keep putting writers in front of cameras?

00:52:25.800 Like, I'd rather watch, you know, like that girl Punky Johnson that works at the comedy store?

00:52:30.100 Black girl in the kitchen with the long dreads.

00:52:32.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:32.340 Hardcore fucking lesbian, bro.

00:52:34.080 You know what I'm saying?

00:52:34.540 I love her, bro.

00:52:35.040 Oh, she's so lesbian.

00:52:36.820 Two years, she's going to fucking just sprout a cock.

00:52:39.020 You know what I'm saying?

00:52:39.460 She's ready to party, you know?

00:52:41.240 But I would watch her.

00:52:42.660 She's only been doing comedy maybe five or six years, right?

00:52:45.840 She's from Louisiana.

00:52:46.660 And I'd watch her more than I'd watch some fucking writer.

00:52:50.620 Just because she's at least a, you know, I just used her as an example.

00:52:53.720 But she's just a, she's a thing, you know?

00:52:55.680 She's entertaining.

00:52:57.240 It's like, like, that's one thing I like about Sebastian.

00:52:59.680 Like, at least Sebastian's fucking entertaining, you know?

00:53:02.460 Sebastian's very entertaining.

00:53:03.560 He's a, you watch him and you see a show.

00:53:05.760 And that's what I try to do from time to time.

00:53:07.420 Oh, yeah.

00:53:07.960 No, I think you do a great job of it.

00:53:09.040 My wife calls it when I become white.

00:53:11.260 Yeah.

00:53:11.480 When I try to become a writer.

00:53:12.980 Yeah.

00:53:13.280 When I try to write jokes like all the great writers, that's where I fail.

00:53:18.740 That ain't us.

00:53:19.620 That ain't us.

00:53:20.420 They want us to go up there and be what's in our hearts, what's in our soul.

00:53:24.180 And you know what?

00:53:25.960 Half of it you're not going to agree with.

00:53:27.760 Yeah.

00:53:28.080 But that's what comedy is about.

00:53:30.000 Comedy is how my world collides with the real world.

00:53:33.920 That's what should come out of your mouth.

00:53:35.340 What's going on in the real world and what's going on in my world?

00:53:39.040 Like, in your mind, those poor Filipinos, poor Thai kids were in there stuck.

00:53:43.980 In my mind, that coach is Sandusky.

00:53:46.200 He was going to take them to the cave, fuck them in the ass, and kill that motherfucker.

00:53:49.500 He was going to figure out what to do with the bicycles.

00:53:51.620 He hadn't planned that yet.

00:53:53.460 But he was going to kill those fucking kids.

00:53:54.160 He's trying to figure out how to hide 30 bird scooters.

00:53:56.600 Yeah.

00:53:57.200 Well, he took the apostles down to a cave.

00:53:59.780 What are you thinking?

00:54:00.160 What are you going to look at a cave?

00:54:01.360 What's in a cave?

00:54:01.980 A bat.

00:54:02.540 He was going to fuck those kids.

00:54:03.780 It took Marines to get them out of there.

00:54:05.740 He was going to fuck those kids and leave them down there.

00:54:08.620 2,000 years from now, some fucking guy was going to find 12 little fucking Thai kids,

00:54:13.120 skeletons, with all their assholes fucked up.

00:54:15.900 Yeah, and a Penn State University hieroglyphics on the wall.

00:54:18.900 Sandusky Jr. and shit.

00:54:20.580 That's fucked up.

00:54:21.520 That's what we see.

00:54:22.500 That's what comedy is.

00:54:23.640 Right.

00:54:23.880 So stop letting comedy, you know what I'm saying?

00:54:26.500 Yeah.

00:54:27.020 The political circle.

00:54:28.640 It's not funny.

00:54:29.260 It's not funny.

00:54:29.900 It's dead.

00:54:30.320 It's dead.

00:54:30.800 If you go up there with a political joke, I don't want to hear you no more.

00:54:34.340 Because that's the first thing I see on the news the first 10 minutes.

00:54:36.800 Yeah.

00:54:37.080 And it's just, Americans are sick of it.

00:54:39.160 It's hatred.

00:54:39.720 It's hatred.

00:54:39.920 It's pure hatred.

00:54:40.780 And I don't want to be a part of that at all.

00:54:42.040 I don't either.

00:54:42.540 At all.

00:54:43.020 I don't want to be a part.

00:54:43.920 I'm so happy I'm a felon.

00:54:45.840 Yeah.

00:54:46.040 I can't tell you how happy I'm a felon.

00:54:47.900 I'm not responsible for none of this shit.

00:54:49.360 I will never vote.

00:54:50.340 I don't want to be responsible.

00:54:51.680 I'm a half a felon.

00:54:52.260 It's hilarious.

00:54:52.900 I got a gun.

00:54:53.680 Yeah.

00:54:54.040 I got a couple guns hidden.

00:54:55.320 I got one at the comedy store.

00:54:56.480 I just planted one at the comedy store.

00:54:57.580 Oh, I love that.

00:54:58.360 Oh, in case things get dinged.

00:55:00.140 That used to be my, I used to just get, you've got to go.

00:55:03.040 I mean, we have a gun control.

00:55:06.060 I get your gun in 10 minutes.

00:55:07.360 I go down to any handball court.

00:55:08.940 You look for a little guy that looks Puerto Rican and Jewish, you call him over.

00:55:12.460 He's got a .22 that don't miss, and he'll buy it back after you kill him, motherfucker.

00:55:16.920 He's like a walking pawn shop.

00:55:18.700 Tell him what you did to true.

00:55:19.740 Listen, I shot three guys with this.

00:55:21.620 They didn't miss.

00:55:22.260 I shot one guy in the head.

00:55:23.260 He'll buy it right back.

00:55:24.100 What'd you pay?

00:55:24.700 What'd you give me, 50?

00:55:25.740 I'll give you 48 for it.

00:55:27.460 And he'll take the gun back, and you just can't get caught with that gun.

00:55:30.260 You'll be charged with 18 murders.

00:55:32.000 I got that gun in a baggie behind the fucking cottage.

00:55:35.680 I got a gun with a silencer.

00:55:37.420 Oh, I love that.

00:55:37.840 Hidden in my own building, an old school silencer.

00:55:39.940 Yeah.

00:55:40.200 I got to go greasy from time to time to fucking make sure.

00:55:44.540 Dude, I want to hide some guns, bro.

00:55:46.280 That's a great idea.

00:55:46.980 I started buying some hot guns and just started fucking hiding them.

00:55:49.420 I love that.

00:55:50.120 Just in case people get fucking froggy at the store.

00:55:52.980 You need a couple of them.

00:55:53.860 I'm trying to get, oh my God, I watched that fucking thing on A&E about the making of Scarface.

00:55:59.840 I haven't seen that.

00:56:00.740 Oh, shit.

00:56:01.920 And how that scene with the end took three weeks.

00:56:05.600 First of all, when they got there, the set went on fire.

00:56:08.340 They had the worst luck in the world with that movie.

00:56:10.400 Really?

00:56:10.920 It was supposed to be a two-month shoot, and it ended up being a 10-month shoot.

00:56:14.840 Where'd they shoot it at?

00:56:15.660 They shot half in Miami, then the Cubans threw them out.

00:56:18.500 Then they finished it up here by the 405.

00:56:20.760 Wow.

00:56:21.180 The mother's house is by the airport and all that shit.

00:56:24.620 The tent city is where the 405, where they shot heat.

00:56:29.580 That's tent city.

00:56:30.540 But they shot the last scene, and that machine that he had is something like a fucking monster.

00:56:38.360 So they had to figure out how to get the gun fire to come up on the screen, and they showed all that shit.

00:56:44.080 But what they didn't tell you is that the rounds were hot.

00:56:47.280 At one time, Al Pacino fell on the rounds, and it burned his leg.

00:56:51.380 Two to the third degree burns.

00:56:52.540 So they had to cancel the movie again for two weeks.

00:56:55.520 They had to shoot all the after-Colombians getting shot.

00:56:57.920 Wow.

00:56:58.320 Fucking brilliant shit.

00:56:59.420 Then they got an X-Rady.

00:57:01.840 Oh, and they said they couldn't put it in theaters.

00:57:03.660 Couldn't put it in theaters.

00:57:04.860 And then they had to fight the X-Rady.

00:57:06.820 And then they released the movie as a Christmas movie.

00:57:09.620 Scarface came out.

00:57:10.840 Can you check and see what was the release date?

00:57:12.620 The actual people were going to the movies and going, that ain't a fucking Christmas movie.

00:57:19.140 Like Rudolph's been doing coke, bro.

00:57:22.600 Fucking Blitzen just bought an eight ball.

00:57:25.580 Do you remember the little guy that's a comedian that was in there?

00:57:27.840 December 9th, 1983.

00:57:29.940 Jesus.

00:57:30.820 Can you imagine that?

00:57:31.960 And I remember when I saw the commercial, I was living in Aspen.

00:57:35.640 And it didn't reach up there.

00:57:37.340 Like, it had gotten, like, they were talking.

00:57:39.040 Al Pacino said that at the premiere for the critics, that they started walking out at the 30-minute mark, like, in chunks.

00:57:46.980 And he just kept sinking in his chair from the embarrassment.

00:57:50.500 He thought it was going to bomb?

00:57:51.500 Yeah, it was a bomb.

00:57:52.300 Like, people were, like, fucking attacking him, Brian De Palma, Universal, saying it was the worst thing they've ever seen in their life.

00:57:59.480 The hottest show is Dynasty or something.

00:58:01.480 Oh, wow.

00:58:01.960 I can see that.

00:58:02.560 And then she showed up.

00:58:04.060 Oh, really?

00:58:04.920 Victoria, whatever, of the real pretty older woman.

00:58:07.520 And they interviewed her.

00:58:08.420 They said, what did you think of the movie?

00:58:09.340 And she goes, well, I left at the 100th fuck.

00:58:12.980 Wow.

00:58:13.340 I think 100 fucks is enough for a person in a lifetime.

00:58:16.680 There was 4,400 fucks in that movie.

00:58:20.240 Oh, my God.

00:58:21.060 They counted them.

00:58:22.040 4,400 fucks.

00:58:24.620 They could play that at a wedding, I feel like.

00:58:26.200 And then what happened was the movie bombed, but the VCR, it came out in February, and it just blew up the movie.

00:58:34.480 And now the movie's in the top 10 all-time sales.

00:58:37.940 Because even though the movie ate a bag of dicks in the fucking box office, once it hit DVR, I still remember going to a friend of mine's house.

00:58:48.800 Did you see the theater on VCR first?

00:58:51.620 Brother, the movie came out December 9th, 83.

00:58:55.540 I was living in Aspen.

00:58:57.240 I got off the plane February 1st, 1984.

00:59:01.400 And as I got into my buddy's car, he looked at me and he goes, have you seen Scarface yet?

00:59:05.360 And I go, no.

00:59:06.640 I saw the commercial.

00:59:07.540 We went right to this movie theater in Sea Caucus called Harmon Cove, right there, right by the Newark airport, like 20 minutes from Newark.

00:59:14.520 Wow.

00:59:14.860 I didn't go home.

00:59:15.780 I didn't unload.

00:59:16.600 It was the matinee.

00:59:17.900 It was like the 2 o'clock movie.

00:59:19.400 Wow.

00:59:19.820 And we couldn't even sit together.

00:59:21.060 It was sold out.

00:59:22.360 We couldn't even sit together.

00:59:23.880 It was that sold out.

00:59:25.680 And at that time, it was picking up momentum.

00:59:27.820 It was February, and it started picking up momentum.

00:59:30.420 And then I went, it just, when it came out of VCR, I still remember like, Theo, you would call me.

00:59:37.520 And go, come over Friday.

00:59:39.200 We're picking up 4A balls.

00:59:40.980 I'm going to have a case of booze.

00:59:42.240 And we would sit there from Friday night at 11, after Miami Vice.

00:59:46.440 Mm-hmm.

00:59:47.220 We would go out after Miami Vice and then go back to your house at about two or three broads.

00:59:52.480 And we would snort coke and watch Scarface and Godfather 2 the whole weekend.

00:59:57.660 Damn.

00:59:58.140 And just, and every time they'd do a line, we'd do a line.

01:00:00.860 Wow.

01:00:01.660 Like that type of shit.

01:00:02.920 Like just.

01:00:03.340 Shit is making my dick wet, bro.

01:00:04.940 Oh, yeah.

01:00:05.420 Those were the good old days.

01:00:06.480 But you can't do that shit no more.

01:00:07.800 Can't do it.

01:00:08.200 Thank God.

01:00:08.840 Thank God.

01:00:09.320 Look, your life has changed.

01:00:11.020 Yeah.

01:00:11.260 You're a completely different person.

01:00:13.120 You don't have the social issues you had anymore.

01:00:15.460 That's true.

01:00:15.960 It was all the drugs.

01:00:17.360 See, now I have the social anxiety.

01:00:19.800 I get the social anxiety when I go to the store.

01:00:22.440 But it's been a lot better lately.

01:00:23.900 Has it been?

01:00:24.460 Yeah.

01:00:26.200 Do you, when you think about, oh, there was one thing I was just.

01:00:32.720 Oh, do you remember Angel Salazar?

01:00:34.100 Did you ever work with him?

01:00:35.080 All the time.

01:00:35.800 One of my idols.

01:00:36.700 One of the guys that helped me the most.

01:00:38.360 I bumped into Angel.

01:00:39.740 And Angel Salazar, if people don't know, he was.

01:00:41.860 Chi-Chi.

01:00:42.360 Yeah.

01:00:42.780 Chi-Chi.

01:00:43.180 In Scarface.

01:00:44.120 Pacino met him at the thing.

01:00:46.820 Uh, 1993.

01:00:48.920 I'm a struggling comic.

01:00:50.280 I'm confused about comedy.

01:00:52.400 I don't know nothing about comedy.

01:00:54.700 I'm just telling people I'm a comedian.

01:00:56.800 I'm getting up on stage.

01:00:58.480 I'm just dying.

01:01:01.020 Bombing dicks.

01:01:02.460 And I go into Hell's Kitchen to cop a bag of Coke.

01:01:05.600 Because I was working on, uh, I was working on 57th and like 12th Avenue.

01:01:11.200 I was selling cars at a Jeep place.

01:01:14.280 Okay.

01:01:14.520 And I would, from there, I would walk through Hell's Kitchen and go to Port Authority.

01:01:18.140 And one day, it's like July of 93, and I'm walking through Hell's Kitchen.

01:01:24.600 And who do I see in front of a building but Angel Salazar.

01:01:28.500 Wow.

01:01:28.860 And at this time, I knew he was a stand-up.

01:01:31.320 I knew he was a comedy store guy.

01:01:32.860 And he'd been in Scarface.

01:01:33.820 I had, he had been in Scarface.

01:01:35.400 And he was Cuban.

01:01:36.520 Yeah.

01:01:36.840 And I went up to him and I go, I'm Cuban.

01:01:39.200 I want to be a comic.

01:01:40.380 And he shook my hand and he took the time to be my friend.

01:01:43.920 And he gave me a fly to come see his show.

01:01:47.060 And I went and I was blown away.

01:01:50.160 And then he got me an audition for an improv troupe at the Copacabana.

01:01:56.240 And I just ate a bag.

01:01:57.660 I remember paying like $15 to park.

01:02:00.460 And I had like 13 and quarters and going in there.

01:02:03.800 And they're like, give us three impersonations.

01:02:05.820 And me like, make him believe I'm a junkie.

01:02:07.760 And the two of them were yourself.

01:02:08.820 I was just horrible.

01:02:11.560 I had no idea.

01:02:13.040 And I would call him and ask him for advice from time to time.

01:02:17.040 And he would give me a little advice from time to time.

01:02:19.980 Then I started working with him.

01:02:21.560 And he is one of the all-time pissers.

01:02:25.000 I mean, he is really a cocaine savage.

01:02:29.340 Cowboy, yeah.

01:02:29.800 He's one of the only people that went on to church and did a package in front of Lee.

01:02:33.780 And Lee's face turned fucking red.

01:02:35.980 Wow.

01:02:36.300 That's the only way I can get him on the pod.

01:02:38.660 If I got him, he came to town.

01:02:40.540 He was staying with Stephen Bauer.

01:02:41.900 Mm-hmm.

01:02:42.740 Manolo in Scarface.

01:02:44.240 Oh, yeah.

01:02:45.040 He stays with him when he comes to town.

01:02:46.900 Wow.

01:02:46.980 And it's right by the office.

01:02:49.140 They're right by the office.

01:02:50.400 You know, when you come to my podcast, you could throw a rock to where Stephen Bauer lives.

01:02:54.260 Wow.

01:02:55.620 So I had the only way I saw Angel at the store.

01:02:58.880 And he's like, put in your podcast, bro.

01:03:01.120 So I kept calling him.

01:03:02.440 He's hard to wake up in the morning.

01:03:04.020 Yeah, yeah.

01:03:04.620 So we had to do it like at 10 o'clock at night.

01:03:06.720 And I had to get Coke from like an old Coke dealer that I knew was fucking.

01:03:11.240 Coke from the 70s.

01:03:12.240 Yeah.

01:03:12.620 Some good stuff.

01:03:13.380 And that's how I got him in there.

01:03:14.600 And he would go off camera and do little bumps.

01:03:17.680 And Lee kept looking at me like, like Lee, that's, that was like Lee's second year in

01:03:22.280 the, in the podcast business.

01:03:25.040 But the funniest, I mean, I have a thousand Angel stories.

01:03:28.220 Yeah.

01:03:28.560 I mean, we used to work in El Paso, bro.

01:03:31.180 I can't even imagine.

01:03:31.840 Dealers would knock on the door.

01:03:33.580 Everybody wants to give that guy blow.

01:03:35.280 It is hilarious.

01:03:36.480 Do you think that part of that kind of like, like sometimes you live, you have to, you become

01:03:41.300 a role.

01:03:42.600 Oh, no, no.

01:03:43.100 He'll tell you.

01:03:44.020 It's, it's crazy.

01:03:44.880 He's gotten laid from it.

01:03:46.180 I mean, he's.

01:03:46.660 Oh, yeah.

01:03:47.720 It's never stopped.

01:03:48.880 One of the funniest stories I've heard was he did Rochester a couple of years ago.

01:03:54.200 And he sells out.

01:03:55.200 Yeah.

01:03:55.440 The Rochester.

01:03:55.600 Yeah.

01:03:55.700 I love it up there.

01:03:56.500 That club.

01:03:57.100 He sells out.

01:03:57.260 I love Rochester, bro.

01:03:58.620 That little walk.

01:03:59.700 Brother Weez up there.

01:04:00.740 The radio.

01:04:01.460 Dude, I love.

01:04:01.860 Brother Weez is the best.

01:04:02.860 Dude.

01:04:03.500 Brother Weez is the best.

01:04:04.780 And he, he did the early show Saturday.

01:04:08.420 And then he told him that he was going to take a nap in between shows.

01:04:12.240 And they knocked on the door.

01:04:13.960 Nothing.

01:04:14.440 They knocked nothing.

01:04:15.900 They kicked the door down.

01:04:16.980 And Angel's passed out.

01:04:18.420 He's bleeding from his nose.

01:04:20.600 They get him up.

01:04:21.760 They finally gave him coffee.

01:04:23.120 And he went up there.

01:04:23.860 And he bombed.

01:04:25.040 And then he passed out again.

01:04:26.320 And they put him in his car and left him there.

01:04:28.500 And he kept saying that they roofied me, man.

01:04:34.460 Hello.

01:04:35.240 His opening line is, hello, where's my Spanish people?

01:04:39.360 Where is my Colombians?

01:04:40.700 No.

01:04:40.900 He always go, where's my Puerto Ricans?

01:04:43.180 Where's my Dominicans?

01:04:44.640 Where's my Colombians?

01:04:45.700 I want to talk to you later.

01:04:47.440 Once they said they raised their hand, they're Colombians, he'd say, I want to talk to you later.

01:04:52.380 Bro, we used to get fucked up.

01:04:54.260 The rumor is he don't even sleep.

01:04:55.660 He just hangs in his closet.

01:04:56.820 Oh, yeah.

01:04:57.400 Upside down.

01:04:58.100 On the road, when he comes in, like, we would work El Paso together.

01:05:03.400 Yeah.

01:05:03.900 First thing he does is he shuts all the windows.

01:05:06.380 Oh, that's coke time.

01:05:07.020 Puts a little bit of fall on the glass.

01:05:08.780 You know, I mean, he means business.

01:05:10.880 Damn.

01:05:11.380 And he'll go all five nights.

01:05:14.020 Like, I haven't worked with him now.

01:05:15.640 It's got to be 12 years.

01:05:19.720 That's a hawk.

01:05:20.620 Dude, the thing I hated about doing drugs, man, you know what's so funny is last night, man, I, you know, my thing now sometimes if I get lonely by myself and stuff, I'm by myself, I'll end up watching pornography or something, you know, and I'll shut the blinds and shit because I ain't jerking off with the fucking blinds open, you know, like some kind of, you know, like a fucking camp counselor.

01:05:38.640 You know what I'm saying, bro?

01:05:39.640 So I closed shop up, but then this morning I got up and, you know, and the lights coming against the blinds and it reminded me of all those times I'd wake up if I was high on cocaine because you've been up all night.

01:05:52.300 So you wake up, it's like fucking noon and the blinds are closed and the fucking lights just like, and just, I hated that, man.

01:05:58.880 I hated waking up with my blinds.

01:06:00.860 I like to have my blinds in my living room and stuff open now.

01:06:03.060 So it's like I wake up, the day's right there, meet me in the living room, you know, it's like I hated those days when everything was.

01:06:09.980 It'd be like you were hiding all day, begging people for Gatorade on the internet, bring over some Gatorade.

01:06:15.060 They're like, I don't even fucking know you, trying to meet bitches on Tinder just to get them to bring Gatorade over, bro.

01:06:19.680 It's crazy how cocaine and comedy could go hand in hand, you know, and I'm doing comedy 27 years, 28 years.

01:06:30.420 I haven't done coke in 11 years this year.

01:06:32.840 That meant for 17 years it felt like I cheated on comedy.

01:06:36.560 Yeah.

01:06:36.820 It was the weirdest thing because I would never do it before I went on stage.

01:06:40.680 But it would be in my pocket burning a hole in my pocket.

01:06:43.980 And I would go right from the original room, people would be, hey, great, yeah, good, right.

01:06:48.600 I would go right to the bathroom.

01:06:49.920 Me too.

01:06:50.600 And do two bumps, then it'd be okay.

01:06:52.860 Yeah.

01:06:53.420 If I had another spot, I wouldn't do it.

01:06:55.280 Yeah.

01:06:55.640 I would do it.

01:06:56.220 I would have that coke, that coke had to be in my pocket at 8 o'clock where I would fall apart at the seams.

01:07:01.920 Yeah.

01:07:02.480 And I would put it in my little drug pocket.

01:07:04.000 Yeah.

01:07:04.700 And it would stay there unbothered with a little baggy waterproof in case the fucking rain came.

01:07:09.260 In case the floods came, in case something got biblical.

01:07:11.160 Yeah.

01:07:11.380 You could still break out of fucking.

01:07:12.500 Yeah, in case Louisiana all over again, I'm on a tire, floating, waving at the airport.

01:07:18.180 Fucking, I'm here, cocksuckers.

01:07:19.600 Dude, how great would that be?

01:07:20.540 You're on the news, they're like showing you, and you're just down there doing coke, and they're fucking waving at the helicopters.

01:07:28.520 Like, how many videos are there of the news during Katrina where there's just a bunch of brothers just blowing a fucking blunt, and they fucking couldn't put it on?

01:07:36.960 And just yelling up, you can't stop me, bitches.

01:07:39.380 Who the fuck would even have a, that was terrible, and it's going to happen again.

01:07:46.180 Yeah.

01:07:46.500 You know, like this year, the storms are getting stronger and fucking stronger every year.

01:07:50.060 Well, I think Mother Nature doesn't like some of the stuff that we got going on sometimes.

01:07:53.160 I don't think she likes some of the energy, and look, she's a fucking tough lady.

01:07:56.860 She's a hardworking woman, man.

01:07:58.120 She'll correct it when she needs to, you know.

01:08:01.940 It's wild, bro.

01:08:03.660 Dude, but yeah, I'm so grateful for you, man, for, you know, and somebody, you know, I just appreciate you always being cool with me, man.

01:08:09.380 And being supportive, bro.

01:08:10.860 How can I not, I am?

01:08:12.380 You know, my father's from Nicaragua.

01:08:13.800 You know that?

01:08:14.240 Yeah, yeah, I know.

01:08:14.860 That's why he had you at 74.

01:08:16.220 Them spics don't never stop fucking.

01:08:18.100 They don't give a fuck.

01:08:19.120 They'll fuck on Social Security and everything.

01:08:21.780 Spanish people don't fuck on Social Security.

01:08:23.660 They don't give a fuck.

01:08:24.740 Listen, we get 128 a month.

01:08:26.380 We'll make it work.

01:08:27.140 You know what I'm saying?

01:08:27.980 I'll take care of them.

01:08:28.920 Dude, what if one day, what if I could learn Spanish, okay?

01:08:31.600 Okay.

01:08:31.880 And maybe five, eight years from now, we did like a Central American tour, like a fundraiser or something down there.

01:08:37.500 Would you do what you think?

01:08:38.840 Well, I got no passport.

01:08:40.280 Oh, yeah.

01:08:42.180 I don't want to stir the fucking pot, man.

01:08:45.180 I got a lot of skeletons in that closet.

01:08:46.980 Oh, yeah.

01:08:47.860 In that passport closet, there's a lot of skeletons.

01:08:50.200 Why get Trump pissed off at anybody?

01:08:52.060 You know what I'm saying?

01:08:52.320 That's true.

01:08:52.780 I got in.

01:08:53.480 I'm good.

01:08:54.080 I don't need to go anywhere.

01:08:55.200 That's great.

01:08:56.340 You want to go to fucking England?

01:08:57.740 That's great.

01:08:58.140 I can't do shit, but it's good that you learn Spanish anyway.

01:09:01.180 Yeah, I want to learn it.

01:09:01.800 It's good that you learn a language anyway.

01:09:02.740 My dad used to talk it all the time when I was young, man.

01:09:04.820 I loved hearing him talk it.

01:09:06.040 Listen, man.

01:09:06.720 The only language that don't help you is fucking Latin.

01:09:09.200 But you take Latin if you're a genius, if you're going to be like an engineer or something

01:09:13.120 like that.

01:09:13.760 Yeah.

01:09:13.940 But just, you know, it's like when you become an attorney.

01:09:16.320 I was telling Rogan, if you go to UCLA tomorrow and go, I want to become an attorney, a lot

01:09:20.760 of your pericurs is math because they're teaching you how to solve problems.

01:09:25.140 Right.

01:09:25.800 So you're going to go, why am I learning all this fucking math?

01:09:28.100 Well, I'm getting into law.

01:09:29.520 So yeah, you're a history major, but you're going to have to do a ton of math work because

01:09:33.540 it just adds up to that shit.

01:09:35.220 I don't even know why we got on this.

01:09:37.120 No, it's good.

01:09:37.920 I mean, it's like, yeah, I think about Latin sometimes.

01:09:40.840 It helps you just kind of know words immediately.

01:09:42.900 You know, when I first started out in college, I wanted to do Latin and do all of this shit.

01:09:46.920 And then like halfway in, I fucking thought I was going to be, I got a job as a busboy

01:09:51.280 in Tucson and I thought I was going to be the best fucking busboy in the world.

01:09:54.140 That was my goal at one point.

01:09:55.820 I was like, I'm going to be the best.

01:09:56.640 I'm going to be bussing in fucking London, bussing tables.

01:09:59.640 Like I had these dreams.

01:10:00.540 Are you serious?

01:10:01.140 You were a busboy in Tucson?

01:10:02.120 Yeah.

01:10:03.160 Yeah, dude.

01:10:03.700 I used to live, my mom used to live off of a golf links off like on East Pantano, like

01:10:07.700 way out there on the East side.

01:10:08.700 In Tucson, Arizona?

01:10:09.680 Yeah.

01:10:10.460 Because I went to college there.

01:10:11.340 The guy kidnapped lives in Tucson.

01:10:12.100 Really?

01:10:12.440 Oh, really?

01:10:13.120 He lives in Tucson.

01:10:13.900 I call him.

01:10:14.820 It's not a guy, Sam Fox.

01:10:15.900 It's not, it's Fox isn't his name, is it?

01:10:17.460 No, no, no, no, Vela.

01:10:19.080 Because they had a guy, Fox, that he used to work for, I could fucking kidnap that dude.

01:10:21.640 But he was also kind of cool too.

01:10:23.100 Tucson used to have one of the craziest comedy rooms of all time.

01:10:26.460 It was called Bugsy's.

01:10:27.520 Yeah?

01:10:27.980 On Tuesday nights, you had to give him a bug to get in.

01:10:30.500 Uh-uh.

01:10:31.180 Yeah.

01:10:31.760 A real bug?

01:10:32.460 A bug.

01:10:33.000 Rudy Moreno used to book the room.

01:10:34.860 If you showed up with a bug, they'll let you in for free.

01:10:37.180 Oh, dude.

01:10:37.660 Oh, my God.

01:10:38.480 The guy that ran the place had to weigh 900 pounds.

01:10:41.040 He had like eight necks.

01:10:41.840 But he had cocaine that would make you go fucking blind.

01:10:44.760 That was all cortisol in his neck from doing coke.

01:10:47.380 It was hilarious.

01:10:48.660 He had the best coke in the world.

01:10:50.040 I love that.

01:10:50.640 It was 150 for the night.

01:10:53.480 And there was three comics.

01:10:54.520 We all got paid the same.

01:10:56.200 Guess who I remember going down there with like my second or third time.

01:10:59.380 And he got divergenized.

01:11:01.700 Mencia.

01:11:02.360 Fluffy.

01:11:03.220 Really?

01:11:03.840 That's how young Gabriel was.

01:11:05.920 Wow.

01:11:06.400 We took him down there one time.

01:11:07.760 When he came back, he was pale.

01:11:09.060 I was like, man, I got my dick sucked.

01:11:11.020 He was like 18, hanging out with Uncle Joey and shit.

01:11:15.520 That's when Southwest used to have the seats that would face you.

01:11:18.420 Oh, yeah.

01:11:19.100 Remember those?

01:11:20.640 That was so much fun.

01:11:21.640 What happened to that?

01:11:22.580 I'll tell you what happened.

01:11:23.620 I went to Chicago like in 2001.

01:11:27.080 And that's when the Brett strips were out with the THC.

01:11:30.760 Oh, yeah.

01:11:31.260 So they would stick together.

01:11:32.940 And one day I ate a Brett strip.

01:11:34.780 And I thought it was one, but it was like nine of them.

01:11:36.880 And I got on that plane.

01:11:38.200 That's when they had a direct flight from Chicago to Burbank.

01:11:42.560 Did you know that one time?

01:11:44.500 Southwest had a Chicago.

01:11:45.600 No, I'm lying to you.

01:11:46.780 It went from Burbank to Vegas to Chicago.

01:11:50.640 So you could work a club on the south side.

01:11:53.180 It wouldn't land at the main Chicago airport.

01:11:57.580 It would land.

01:11:57.860 Midway.

01:11:58.620 Midway.

01:11:59.160 Yeah.

01:11:59.640 So you could go from Burbank.

01:12:02.020 What the fuck story was I'm going to tell you?

01:12:03.840 Southwest, you're going to go there.

01:12:05.120 Gabriel, you said Gabriel.

01:12:06.500 You took one.

01:12:07.540 On the way back.

01:12:08.500 That could be your next special.

01:12:09.620 I took one.

01:12:10.340 It was nine.

01:12:11.060 It was like me, Gabriel.

01:12:12.600 I never forget.

01:12:13.100 It was like me, Gabe, Martin Moreno.

01:12:15.500 It had to be like eight comics he brought in for this little festival.

01:12:18.380 Yeah.

01:12:18.680 This club's not even open no more.

01:12:20.020 It was on the south side.

01:12:21.320 Tremendous across from the White Castle next to a steak and shake.

01:12:24.760 We used to get fucking stoned.

01:12:27.000 And I remember getting on the plane and eating the edible.

01:12:30.780 And it was me, like Martin and Gabriel.

01:12:33.500 And we were sitting across from three, like, old women.

01:12:36.380 And all of a sudden, the edible started hitting me, right?

01:12:38.720 Mm-hmm.

01:12:39.240 And I'm 380.

01:12:41.640 I'm fucking huge at the time.

01:12:43.380 Really?

01:12:43.920 That must have been miserable.

01:12:44.840 Oh, I had to be 380, 370.

01:12:46.520 Dude, I can't tell you.

01:12:47.320 You went to jail and you had to live in that body?

01:12:49.020 That's fucking two sentences.

01:12:49.780 No, no.

01:12:50.060 When I went to jail, I was in good shape.

01:12:51.940 Yeah.

01:12:52.320 It was when I did.

01:12:52.980 This is like 10 years ago.

01:12:55.100 15 years.

01:12:55.620 And I'll never forget taking my shirt off.

01:12:57.480 And the sweat was pouring down me.

01:13:00.120 And these little old ladies were just looking at the floor.

01:13:03.020 And there I am, fucking sweating.

01:13:05.000 Another time, I went to Delta on a red eye.

01:13:06.920 And I took an edible.

01:13:08.100 And I got so hungry, I ate a pack of cinnamon certs.

01:13:10.820 And that's a mistake, dog.

01:13:12.320 Don't ever eat a pack of cinnamon certs, the whole thing.

01:13:15.020 Cinnamon makes you sweat like a motherfucker.

01:13:16.960 Really?

01:13:17.540 Dog, I started sweating on a plane.

01:13:19.160 There was a little gay guy next to me.

01:13:20.560 And he had, like, little lenses.

01:13:21.880 And he was asleep.

01:13:22.940 You know how gay people put those little things on their eyes?

01:13:25.640 I had to take my shirt off.

01:13:26.860 There I am in first class with the blanket up to my stomach.

01:13:30.240 My tits are out.

01:13:31.500 You could feel the beads.

01:13:33.340 I remember getting off the plane in Miami the next morning.

01:13:35.800 And my pants were fucking wet.

01:13:37.800 And the waitress, the stewardess, would just walk in the halls, look at me, and give me a water.

01:13:42.400 She knew how fucked up I was.

01:13:45.580 Dude, my buddy and his brother used to get so fucked up on coke in Miami.

01:13:49.220 Then they'd go up to the hotel room, put on diapers, bro, because they kept shitting themselves.

01:13:52.740 And just go back down to the fucking dance floor.

01:13:54.560 And just partying with diapers full of shit, bro, just dancing.

01:13:57.940 And they could dance, bro.

01:13:59.320 I mean, these boys could fucking dance.

01:14:00.800 But who wants to dance with somebody who smells like shit?

01:14:02.820 But I think they masked.

01:14:03.700 And you stop moving, that shit stuff's shaking.

01:14:05.760 Oh, look, bro, look, bro.

01:14:07.240 Bro, I used to get coked up with a dude.

01:14:08.660 That's what it's like to be, I think, they were Latinos for sure.

01:14:11.460 I used to get coked up with a dude that used to put a string on his wrist.

01:14:15.060 Mm-hmm.

01:14:15.340 And the string would go to the doorknob.

01:14:18.560 So if he tried to open the doorknob, his string.

01:14:22.240 Bro, I used to get high with some crazy people.

01:14:24.480 Yeah.

01:14:25.060 I used to get high with his brother, who was bald.

01:14:27.900 Mm-hmm.

01:14:28.160 And his brother would be talking to you.

01:14:30.040 Like, we'd be doing coke.

01:14:31.240 Like, yeah, yeah.

01:14:32.200 And all of a sudden, he'd go.

01:14:39.100 You're like, what?

01:14:40.080 And he'd go.

01:14:40.420 And he'd smack himself, because he kept thinking flies on his head.

01:14:46.060 He would smack himself 80 fucking times a night.

01:14:48.960 Damn.

01:14:49.440 And we would laugh at every fucking time.

01:14:52.520 And after he'd smack himself, he'd go.

01:14:55.560 Oh, yeah.

01:14:58.460 Bro, he used to put balloons.

01:15:00.240 He lived on the 34th floor.

01:15:02.240 I had another friend, Kurt.

01:15:03.320 He's dead now.

01:15:04.160 Rest in peace.

01:15:04.840 Good dude.

01:15:05.940 He used to get so paranoid that he would put little parachutes on his cocaine.

01:15:10.160 And so, if the cops came, he would throw it out the window.

01:15:12.540 And the little parachutes would fly.

01:15:14.180 I mean, that's the shit that was the 80s, you know?

01:15:16.740 God, the 80s was good, bro.

01:15:18.180 Fucking craziness how that shit just took over.

01:15:21.700 Everything was so much fun back then.

01:15:23.340 I feel like there was so much more mystery and intrigue when I was growing up than there is now.

01:15:29.120 Like, now there's not a lot of ton of room for even your imagination, because everything is...

01:15:33.920 You don't have to wonder anything.

01:15:35.380 There's no...

01:15:36.500 Like, back in the day, a rumor.

01:15:38.180 Like, the rumor was one of the most popular forms of, like, information, you know?

01:15:43.900 Like, I remember rumors was like...

01:15:45.320 I remember the rumor that Richard Gigg got caught with a mouse in his ass...

01:15:47.880 Yeah.

01:15:48.500 ...in San Francisco, like, for years.

01:15:50.340 Like, I never...

01:15:50.980 Like, my friend was a surgeon.

01:15:53.020 Yeah.

01:15:53.260 He was on the...

01:15:54.020 He cut his ass open.

01:15:55.460 Yeah.

01:15:55.920 But I remember, dude, I would start shit.

01:15:57.700 I remember going on camping trips, and the day we would leave, I'd be like, you know, Jay Leno died.

01:16:01.600 And everybody would be like, no fucking way.

01:16:02.920 And we'd be out in the woods for a week, and everybody would think that Jay Leno died.

01:16:06.560 And I knew he didn't, dude.

01:16:07.900 And we'd have these fucking things, and we'd stay up at night talking about, you know, the Tonight Show and shit like that.

01:16:13.480 And then they'd get back, and you'd be like, he wasn't dead.

01:16:16.000 And I remember people would be like, that's psychotic to do that.

01:16:18.640 Remember when Chuck Liddell was the king of the world?

01:16:20.700 Yeah.

01:16:21.620 Well, one day, Eddie Bravo's having dinner with Dana White.

01:16:26.900 And you know how Eddie Bravo's a big Fidel Castro fan.

01:16:29.940 Is he really?

01:16:30.560 Yeah.

01:16:30.740 Dude, Fidel came and spoke to me one time.

01:16:32.400 I went to Cuba once.

01:16:33.380 Did he really speak to you?

01:16:34.620 Well, when fucking Fidel died, I called him up, and I go, Eddie, do you know Fidel died?

01:16:38.940 He thought I said Liddell.

01:16:40.500 He looks at Dana White.

01:16:41.660 He goes, Chuck Liddell's dead.

01:16:42.780 I'll call you back.

01:16:47.760 When did you go to Cuba?

01:16:49.160 I was a student.

01:16:50.080 We went there, and then they had like a big thing at the university in Havana, and then

01:16:56.800 Fidel came and spoke to our students, just to our group.

01:17:01.420 It was like five hours.

01:17:02.400 They had this thing we had to listen to so we could hear what was going on.

01:17:04.840 He was an interpreter.

01:17:05.800 They had fucking, I think, horse meat in the other room.

01:17:07.860 People in there fucking getting a little bit of cut of horse, and they're fucking putting

01:17:10.520 it in their jaw.

01:17:11.220 People are outside just partying and drinking.

01:17:13.840 They served alcohol at it, and they had an interpreter.

01:17:15.620 Yeah, and he just basically just told us how great, basically a lot of numbers about how

01:17:19.960 good Cuba was.

01:17:21.020 It was like literally for four hours he spoke.

01:17:23.280 Oh, he wouldn't shut up.

01:17:24.400 It was like giving him a line of coke.

01:17:25.560 Yeah.

01:17:25.880 You could never shut that motherfucker up.

01:17:28.260 On Sundays, he would hold like these things, and he would talk for eight hours about the

01:17:35.260 numbers of the country.

01:17:36.880 Yeah.

01:17:37.360 What's going on?

01:17:38.160 What's going on in Russia?

01:17:39.000 What's going on in the United States?

01:17:40.200 He was very intelligent.

01:17:41.440 Yeah.

01:17:41.680 You'd have to sit there and applaud.

01:17:44.300 Oh, really?

01:17:44.960 Yeah, you'd have to sit there and pay attention and applaud.

01:17:47.540 Yeah, the balcony was all cubans.

01:17:48.740 Yeah, they'd be watching your shit to make sure that, you know.

01:17:52.540 It was fun, man.

01:17:53.380 We had so much fun in the city, man.

01:17:54.860 We went to a baseball game, and what else did we do?

01:17:58.780 We just, oh, I remember we were walking around just hanging out, you know, drinking, you know,

01:18:03.040 Habana Club, you know, or whatever, you know, people.

01:18:05.860 What year is this?

01:18:06.800 This is 2002.

01:18:08.760 Wow.

01:18:08.860 So just walking around, and there's some people hanging out in the alley that are kind of

01:18:13.040 dancing and partying a little bit, so we go over there, and we think it's like a family.

01:18:16.100 It's like a birthday cake and stuff, so we're singing, you know, cumpleaños.

01:18:19.680 Everybody's having a nice time.

01:18:20.800 We think, oh, we're, you know, we're in a different country.

01:18:23.080 We're celebrating some guy's birthday.

01:18:24.920 Then one of the dudes at the birthday starts eating this lady out, fucking just, and we're

01:18:29.020 like, this, and we're like, oh, these are escorts.

01:18:31.580 Like, we didn't know.

01:18:32.280 We thought it was like a family.

01:18:33.920 And next thing, we're all dancing with these fucking ladies and shit.

01:18:36.200 We think it's like a grandmother and like a fucking birthday party.

01:18:39.000 Like, next thing you know, one of the guys goes down by the lady's waist a little low

01:18:43.980 and fucking just starts eating her pussy right there.

01:18:46.460 I'm like, what the fuck, bro?

01:18:49.560 Welcome to Cuba.

01:18:50.540 Yeah, this shit is fucking awesome.

01:18:52.480 I was talking to somebody last week.

01:18:53.940 I went to a party, and there was boats, and next thing you know, there was a girl fucking

01:18:58.200 a guy on a boat.

01:18:58.880 I didn't know what to do.

01:18:59.820 Get in there.

01:19:00.620 Yeah, get in there.

01:19:01.220 Jump in and fucking call 911.

01:19:03.280 What the fuck is wrong with you?

01:19:04.380 Get in there.

01:19:04.900 Get in there.

01:19:05.100 Don't just stand there.

01:19:06.060 Don't just stand there.

01:19:06.780 You're going to stand and let somebody get that dick sucked.

01:19:09.000 At least go and put a finger in their ass.

01:19:10.860 Work it.

01:19:11.680 At least cheer for them, you know?

01:19:13.940 My buddy.

01:19:15.640 We got some calls and stuff that came in.

01:19:17.400 Joe, you mind if we jump to a couple of them?

01:19:19.360 We got some calls and questions that came in.

01:19:21.160 Let's hit some of the, yeah, let's hit some fan lines that came in.

01:19:25.020 These are some live-raised fan lines that came in.

01:19:29.060 Hey, guys.

01:19:29.900 Luke here.

01:19:30.380 Contact you from Spain.

01:19:32.120 Joey, how do you reckon Theo would handle himself in the streets of New Jersey when you

01:19:35.740 were growing up?

01:19:36.320 How do you think he'd do?

01:19:37.020 I'm not saying he's a pussy or anything, but he doesn't seem to be dealing with those

01:19:40.440 putters over firing the kid very well.

01:19:43.920 What was the question?

01:19:45.080 He said, how do you think Theo would do in the streets of New Jersey when you were growing

01:19:47.980 up?

01:19:48.160 And you can be honest.

01:19:49.300 Perfectly.

01:19:49.780 Because you had a sense of humor.

01:19:51.040 Oh, wow.

01:19:51.640 You either had to be tough or you had to be funny.

01:19:53.780 I wasn't tough, but I was funny.

01:19:55.320 Yeah.

01:19:55.600 And I had heart and balls and I could steal, so they left me alone.

01:20:00.300 I think I could definitely check at least three of those boxes.

01:20:03.040 You could make somebody laugh.

01:20:04.520 Yeah.

01:20:04.720 People love that.

01:20:05.480 People love that shit.

01:20:06.780 Dude, that's one of the things that always I feel like acclimated.

01:20:09.320 It was easy for me to acclimate sometimes around black culture in my area because a lot

01:20:14.600 of us were on the same kind of financial level.

01:20:17.240 They had more like generational deficit, I think, because just generation after generation

01:20:23.440 of being black in the South was like really tough.

01:20:25.740 Very tough.

01:20:26.080 Very tough.

01:20:26.280 Just tough.

01:20:27.160 Very tough being black anyway.

01:20:29.620 When I came from Cuba, I learned about-

01:20:32.720 Did they have black people there?

01:20:34.040 In Cuba?

01:20:34.700 Yeah.

01:20:34.820 That's where black people were invented.

01:20:36.280 Oh, wow.

01:20:37.000 I mean, look at half of Cuba.

01:20:38.820 Half of them were my color.

01:20:39.820 Yeah, they got that more-

01:20:40.640 And the other half, they looked like Julius Erving.

01:20:42.300 Yeah.

01:20:42.780 Because they were brought over with the slaves and then they mixed into the-

01:20:46.520 into the culture.

01:20:47.740 Yeah.

01:20:48.060 When you're Cuban, when you take a DNA test, you're not going to like the results if you're

01:20:53.020 white.

01:20:53.360 You're not really going to like the results.

01:20:55.160 But I know the results because I grew up there.

01:20:58.160 I know the people.

01:20:59.300 You know, my uncle, my mom was like you, but her brother has kinky hair and it's like cat

01:21:05.620 blood.

01:21:06.260 Yeah.

01:21:06.440 I have two cats and a Siamese.

01:21:07.960 They're brothers.

01:21:08.540 One looks like a Siamese.

01:21:09.860 The other guy looks like a leopard because every eight generations, that leopard blood comes

01:21:13.760 out with the spots and shit.

01:21:14.780 Wow.

01:21:15.180 You know, my other sister, my sister, same mother, same father.

01:21:20.020 My sister's dark.

01:21:21.840 Really?

01:21:22.440 Yeah.

01:21:22.720 My sister's dark.

01:21:23.400 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:21:23.840 That's cool.

01:21:24.160 My cousins, they have the band in Cuba, Emi and Eki Alfonso.

01:21:27.960 Emi, the sister, is dark.

01:21:30.480 Eki, who's on Anthony Bourdain when he goes to Cuba because he owns the bar, the Factoria,

01:21:35.360 he's light-skinned.

01:21:37.420 So now, Cubans are very racist.

01:21:40.240 Are they really?

01:21:41.020 Oh.

01:21:41.300 And is it against the skin tone or is it against-

01:21:43.800 It's against the skin tone.

01:21:44.660 Wow.

01:21:44.740 That's why if you watch like, if you ever go on Netflix, there's a show called Celia

01:21:48.640 about Celia Cruz.

01:21:50.000 Mm-hmm.

01:21:50.160 It's brilliant because it shows you Cuba in the 40s.

01:21:54.000 Like when they told her, you're a little too dark to be singing.

01:21:56.860 Wow.

01:21:57.300 And then she started singing and the guy was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.

01:22:00.780 They're like, we're a little too white to be listening.

01:22:02.260 Oh, yeah.

01:22:02.620 Yeah.

01:22:03.020 Yeah.

01:22:03.260 You know, it's really interesting when you watch that show about how homosexuality, that

01:22:09.180 shit didn't fly in Cuba.

01:22:10.880 Oh, wow.

01:22:11.520 Yeah.

01:22:11.820 But they have the best homos of all time.

01:22:13.280 Oh, that's what I'm saying.

01:22:14.020 They have the best gay guys of all time.

01:22:15.760 But it didn't fly.

01:22:16.600 Like they killed the brother.

01:22:17.860 They never let you know what happened to her brother, but they killed him.

01:22:21.800 Mm-hmm.

01:22:22.340 And I know as a kid, I had an uncle that would tell me that if you were gay in Cuba, your parents

01:22:26.620 would take you shark fishing and throw you off the boat.

01:22:29.260 Like it was, Cuba's a rough fucking place.

01:22:32.380 Like I've met Cubans in Pasadena that I've brought Cuban, Afro, Cuban music to their house

01:22:38.480 and they're like, take it off.

01:22:40.340 They can't handle it.

01:22:41.340 Because they know they have the black blood in them.

01:22:43.480 They don't want to be reminded.

01:22:44.740 Oh, wow.

01:22:46.700 Me, I use it to my advantage.

01:22:48.460 Yeah.

01:22:48.860 That's who I am.

01:22:49.660 You know, if it wasn't for Richard Pryor, I wouldn't be here.

01:22:52.140 Oh, I love Richard Pryor.

01:22:52.680 If it wasn't for Julius Irving, I wouldn't be here.

01:22:54.440 If it wasn't for Red Fox, I wouldn't be here.

01:22:56.360 If it wasn't for Al Green, I wouldn't be here.

01:22:58.500 But, you know, these are all part of people who make my comedy up.

01:23:01.700 Right.

01:23:02.020 Straight up gangster, you know.

01:23:03.680 Yeah.

01:23:04.040 Julius Irving is what I do on stage.

01:23:05.940 I take it to the hoop.

01:23:07.300 We ain't got no time to fuck around.

01:23:09.380 We're slam dunking on your fucking ass.

01:23:11.320 I remember you told me there's a great, and I watched it too, there's a great All-Star

01:23:14.680 game where him and Pistol Pete played together.

01:23:16.720 Pistol Pete was the best.

01:23:17.740 That was my dog.

01:23:18.460 That was, when he played black, that was the thing.

01:23:24.720 Pistol Pete.

01:23:25.180 Yeah, he was the first white guy to play black.

01:23:26.740 That played black.

01:23:27.580 He played black with a white mind, but black dribbling.

01:23:32.100 Yeah.

01:23:32.340 And he wasn't fast.

01:23:33.260 I mean, he could, ask him, look up, he run the 40 in two days.

01:23:36.820 Yeah.

01:23:37.240 Took him two days to run the 40.

01:23:38.220 Yeah, he had to bring lunch.

01:23:39.320 He had to bring lunch.

01:23:40.440 Yeah.

01:23:40.560 But it didn't matter, because he used black body movements to shake you.

01:23:44.880 Yeah, he had to shake.

01:23:46.080 He had to shake and the dribble.

01:23:48.520 There's a scene when he sees Julius Erving, and he fakes to Bob McAdoo, and he just flips

01:23:53.460 it behind his back.

01:23:54.400 That was his shit.

01:23:55.400 Yeah.

01:23:55.800 So when that All-Star game, they just made a mistake.

01:23:59.060 They put a white dude, they put a black dude that was dressed up as a white dude on the

01:24:06.340 NBA East team, and he just fucked them up.

01:24:09.200 He just, it was his game, you know?

01:24:11.820 And if you watch it, he only had four assists.

01:24:14.640 I read the box scores of that.

01:24:16.840 But watch what he was doing that game.

01:24:18.780 Beautiful.

01:24:19.220 Pistol Pete.

01:24:19.920 Oh, yeah.

01:24:20.480 Blacking it up.

01:24:21.440 Yeah.

01:24:21.620 That's that black culture.

01:24:22.920 That's half of what I got.

01:24:24.140 I can't, that's why I can never be red.

01:24:26.400 Half of what I do is black, a little bit is Chinese, a little bit is Santeria, a little

01:24:31.600 bit is fucking Jewish.

01:24:33.160 I'm a fucking Jeet Kune Do.

01:24:34.740 Oh, you're fucking 9% Halloween.

01:24:36.500 Yeah, I'm 9% Halloween.

01:24:38.380 And I do Devil's Night.

01:24:39.620 I hit you with a sock with flour.

01:24:41.440 I don't give a fuck, guys.

01:24:43.200 I'm a Devil's Night type of motherfucker.

01:24:45.200 Halloween's for fucking kids.

01:24:47.080 Devil's Night is when gangsters come.

01:24:48.500 You got a fucking full moon in your asshole, bro.

01:24:50.560 Oh, yeah.

01:24:50.920 Yeah, I'm Devil's Night.

01:24:51.980 I love it.

01:24:52.820 Devil's Night, you're supposed to stab a motherfucker.

01:24:54.800 The next year, you got a badge.

01:24:56.540 That's the original old school.

01:24:58.300 Oh, really?

01:24:58.900 Oh, yeah.

01:24:59.180 The old school was.

01:24:59.980 That's when you hit somebody in the head with a pipe.

01:25:01.520 Wow.

01:25:01.980 That's been pissing you off all year.

01:25:03.400 On Halloween?

01:25:03.940 Devil's Night.

01:25:04.540 The night before Halloween.

01:25:05.640 The night before.

01:25:06.400 The 30th, Devil's Night.

01:25:07.520 And then you get him some candy.

01:25:08.720 The next year, it's like good luck.

01:25:10.160 It's like Chinese.

01:25:11.140 It's like the year of the fucking stick.

01:25:13.620 Chinese, bro.

01:25:14.400 Dude, I was just in China.

01:25:15.360 A dude, I saw a dude pick his nose and feed it to a fucking cat, bro.

01:25:19.120 And the cat ate it.

01:25:19.980 And it was like, but that's China, you know?

01:25:22.260 China's like the thing you're walking with your buddy.

01:25:24.280 He dies.

01:25:25.220 You fucking make a soup.

01:25:26.640 Couple people eat.

01:25:27.560 And you fucking cruise.

01:25:28.640 And nobody knows nothing.

01:25:29.640 And nobody knows nothing.

01:25:30.340 And the guy's honored to die and be part of the soup.

01:25:32.480 How long did you stay in China?

01:25:33.460 One week.

01:25:34.420 What'd you think?

01:25:35.480 I loved it, man.

01:25:36.800 You know, but they're like, they're a forward-moving place.

01:25:39.260 Like, you can't get citizenship there.

01:25:41.040 You know, like, nobody's coming into China.

01:25:43.200 Like, China's doing, they're ready to take over the world.

01:25:45.680 But not in, like, a fucked-up way.

01:25:47.120 Like, I don't think they're, it doesn't seem like the people are thinking about it.

01:25:49.700 In a military sense, they're just like, we are Chinese.

01:25:52.660 We are proud.

01:25:53.620 You know, we just keep moving forward.

01:25:55.360 You need something built right there, we'll fucking build it.

01:25:57.300 We'll build it 100 stories high.

01:25:58.820 You know, it doesn't matter.

01:25:59.620 Like, we'll die nine times.

01:26:01.420 We'll be reincarnated.

01:26:02.360 Whatever we got to do to just keep it moving.

01:26:03.920 And you did comedy how many nights of the seven?

01:26:05.460 Keep it moving.

01:26:06.060 Three nights.

01:26:07.080 And you just went by yourself?

01:26:08.900 It was great.

01:26:09.480 Yeah, we went over there.

01:26:10.900 And they got a group over there called Cine Productions or whatever, Promotions.

01:26:15.740 Dude, they do it.

01:26:16.260 It's great.

01:26:16.720 They flew me first class, put me up.

01:26:19.440 Oh, bro, beautiful places.

01:26:20.960 I never even stayed.

01:26:21.880 Dude, some of the hotels, fucking places are so expensive, I couldn't even sleep, you know?

01:26:26.480 Like, 600 bucks.

01:26:27.440 I'm not fucking, I'll stay awake and watch the money go by, you know?

01:26:30.580 At least enjoy the walk around the room.

01:26:33.320 This thing's $600 a fucking night, you know?

01:26:36.560 They had, like, nine light switches in there, dude.

01:26:38.920 It's like a fucking, I don't know where I was.

01:26:41.060 It was insane, bro.

01:26:42.000 You can spend 40 minutes just fucking turning on all the lights.

01:26:45.080 It's fucking crazy what we do for a living.

01:26:47.020 It is, man.

01:26:47.680 It gets really interesting.

01:26:48.940 Let's take another couple calls if you don't mind.

01:26:51.600 I got a piece.

01:26:52.380 We'll take one more and we'll get the fuck out of here.

01:26:54.060 You got it.

01:26:54.600 Let's do it.

01:26:54.980 There's some suggestions I can give my wife.

01:26:56.620 You said it.

01:26:57.000 Joey, what's some good advice or some suggestions I can give my wife for her first psychedelic trip?

01:27:03.760 Appreciate it, man.

01:27:04.560 Love you guys.

01:27:05.860 Whoa.

01:27:06.220 Is that guy living in an aquarium?

01:27:08.340 You see that fucking guy right there?

01:27:09.620 First thing for a psychedelic trip is...

01:27:11.760 For his wife.

01:27:12.420 For his wife.

01:27:14.280 Just make it easy for her, but then fuck with her once she's high.

01:27:17.580 Yeah.

01:27:18.080 Oh, wait.

01:27:18.460 I think you told me a story about this one time.

01:27:20.880 Yeah, when my first wife in San Francisco in 85, we took some grateful dead ass and went to a party.

01:27:26.500 I was very nice to her.

01:27:27.880 You said her stepdad was at the airport.

01:27:29.540 I kept telling her, don't you have to pick your father up at the airport.

01:27:33.140 And she's like, let's go.

01:27:34.640 And then she'd go, what time is he coming in?

01:27:36.120 I mean, I had this poor girl going.

01:27:37.940 Then there was a poster of Bruce Lee on the wall.

01:27:40.360 And I kept looking at Bruce Lee going, don't say nothing to her.

01:27:43.620 Oh, no.

01:27:44.400 No.

01:27:44.800 Come on, bro.

01:27:46.520 Don't.

01:27:47.140 Dog, don't say nothing to her.

01:27:48.340 She can't handle it.

01:27:49.520 Oh, come on.

01:27:50.020 She would look at me like, what's he saying?

01:27:51.780 I don't know.

01:27:52.820 Don't listen to him.

01:27:55.040 I put that girl.

01:27:56.000 That's the girl that I wrote the letter to.

01:27:57.520 I bet it is, brother.

01:27:58.400 Because I put her through death.

01:28:00.000 I bet it is, brother.

01:28:00.380 I remember one time we were living in San Francisco.

01:28:02.620 I was living in the Haight-Ashbury.

01:28:05.300 And I was just a professional thief in the daytime.

01:28:08.220 I bartended two nights a week at Rockin' Robins.

01:28:10.760 Yeah.

01:28:11.260 But there was all these Cuban refugees that sold nickel bags.

01:28:13.940 And I was the interpreter.

01:28:14.800 My job was to go to Japan City, whatever, and I would pass out traveler's checks.

01:28:22.860 So they would bring me stolen traveler's checks.

01:28:25.480 And they couldn't do it because they were Cuban.

01:28:27.480 They didn't know the language.

01:28:28.480 Right.

01:28:28.760 I would take a $50 traveler's check, pay something for $4, and then they'd give me $46 and change.

01:28:34.120 Oh, wow.

01:28:34.900 That's the old school.

01:28:35.920 And traveler's checks, you can't.

01:28:38.040 It would take a while to come back around.

01:28:39.180 This is what you do with traveler's checks.

01:28:40.500 You go to the bank at $1,000 worth of traveler's checks, go to your hotel room, I'll come over,

01:28:45.920 kick the door down, I take the traveler's checks, I give you five, and then you get another

01:28:50.020 thousand.

01:28:51.140 Because they would be stolen in the old days.

01:28:54.400 It was a scam to have.

01:28:55.660 So I would go to you, we got $500 today, let's go buy some traveler's checks, you have to

01:29:01.000 file a police report, but then they'll give you, it was a lot easier in 85 than it is

01:29:05.340 now.

01:29:05.720 Now they probably, you gotta go give a finger test and see DNA, but back then there was

01:29:10.900 no American Express traveler's checks.

01:29:12.640 Yeah.

01:29:13.220 I remember hearing about this on television.

01:29:14.860 But I'll never forget one night, like, we were at this Cuban dude's house, and we were

01:29:19.860 snorting coke, and she was sitting there with me, and this Cuban dude goes, not for nothing,

01:29:24.000 but your wife doesn't say much.

01:29:26.180 I go, she's deaf.

01:29:28.300 She wasn't deaf, she just didn't speak Spanish.

01:29:30.680 Oh, yeah.

01:29:31.360 So the guy looks at me, he goes, he's all coked up, he's like, I don't know if you know

01:29:34.800 this, I work with deaf people in Cuba, right?

01:29:38.240 Right?

01:29:39.240 So she's like, I'm like, talk to her in deaf language, and he's like, and he's doing all

01:29:45.600 these noises and shit, and all of a sudden she's like looking at me, and I go, she goes,

01:29:49.460 what do I do?

01:29:50.120 And I go, just throw some hand signals and fuck with them.

01:29:52.600 And she's like, and all of a sudden he looks at me and goes, I never studied that language.

01:30:00.440 Fuck.

01:30:02.400 Do you miss anything about your first wife?

01:30:04.500 Like, was there some cool stuff about her?

01:30:08.500 Yes.

01:30:09.180 We were kids.

01:30:10.820 Yeah.

01:30:11.720 We were kids.

01:30:12.380 Being kids is fun.

01:30:14.000 We were kids.

01:30:17.280 We were in love, you know.

01:30:18.880 Yeah, that kid love, that young love.

01:30:21.040 21, 22, but it just went somewhere, and she grew up and I didn't.

01:30:28.260 That's what happened, if you want to know the truth.

01:30:30.500 Yeah.

01:30:30.900 She grew up and I didn't, and we, I wasn't the type of person you wanted to be around

01:30:37.860 back then.

01:30:38.720 Yeah.

01:30:39.000 So, yeah, there's little things.

01:30:41.900 I missed, the bitch was from Buffalo.

01:30:43.960 I love Buffalo.

01:30:45.060 Nobody made a wing like her.

01:30:47.120 She made wings in a wok, and she made blue cheese dressing from scratch with Corona beer.

01:30:52.700 You never seen nothing like that.

01:30:54.360 And I'd watch Delirious.

01:30:55.580 This is way before stand-up comedy.

01:30:57.840 I'd read videos and watch shit, and she'd cook those wings, and she'd make fucking thousands

01:31:02.760 of those wings in a fucking wok.

01:31:04.380 And she was a great lady, and she, we have a great daughter together, you know, I don't

01:31:08.400 talk to her, but she's in my thoughts.

01:31:10.880 God gave me a second chance.

01:31:12.320 Yeah.

01:31:12.900 And that's why.

01:31:13.600 I gotta get the fuck out of here, because I gotta go to karate.

01:31:15.520 You gotta go see, yeah.

01:31:16.340 We tie, and swimming, and the whole fucking deal.

01:31:19.180 Yeah.

01:31:19.380 I'm happy I came down here to see you, man.

01:31:21.220 I fell in love with you a long time ago.

01:31:24.860 And now I'm happy, because my senses were right.

01:31:27.720 I picked three winners.

01:31:28.740 I picked a lot of guys.

01:31:30.480 I picked you.

01:31:31.160 I picked Kate.

01:31:32.280 I picked Dean Delray.

01:31:34.380 You know, you guys are hustlers.

01:31:35.960 You're honest.

01:31:37.360 I could see, that comedy store, you know, it lets you see, I see a lot of people who

01:31:43.900 fake the funk up there, man.

01:31:45.040 Yeah.

01:31:45.380 You see them.

01:31:46.940 Yeah.

01:31:47.500 You see people who fake the funk.

01:31:48.220 You actually see people who go up there that wish we'd do bad.

01:31:51.200 You watch them in the back of the room.

01:31:53.840 Comedy store has a lot of different angles.

01:31:55.680 It teaches you how to be a lot of things.

01:31:58.980 Yeah.

01:31:59.880 But the thing that you get the most is that the camaraderie you and I have, we couldn't

01:32:05.320 have a better camaraderie if we came out of the same snatch.

01:32:08.820 This is real.

01:32:09.840 Yeah.

01:32:10.120 This is real.

01:32:10.720 I cheer for you.

01:32:11.620 Yeah, same.

01:32:12.020 When you came to see me do the Netflix special, you paid out of your pocket.

01:32:15.980 You cheered for me.

01:32:16.940 Yeah.

01:32:17.320 That's something that people, real comics, a lot of comics, I love his work.

01:32:22.680 Shh, I'm listening to Theo.

01:32:24.560 Yeah.

01:32:24.980 You don't have to say that.

01:32:26.820 You don't have to say that.

01:32:27.460 No, that doesn't mean anything.

01:32:28.280 I'm here to say nothing.

01:32:29.020 You don't have to say nothing.

01:32:29.740 Yeah.

01:32:30.180 I know who's fake the funk.

01:32:31.440 Yeah.

01:32:32.300 And I know who's only going to be there temporary.

01:32:35.180 And I know who's going to be there with me to the end.

01:32:38.180 I know the person who comes up to me and says at the end, bro, that joke is badass.

01:32:41.920 I know he means it.

01:32:43.340 I also know the person that comes up and says, Theo, you were great on I'm dying up here.

01:32:47.500 And when you walk by, they're like, fucking redneck sack of shit.

01:32:50.500 Yeah.

01:32:51.200 You know?

01:32:51.880 That's the truth.

01:32:52.700 That survives at the comedy store.

01:32:54.440 You were great in that.

01:32:56.140 And when you walk by, he's a fucking piece of shit.

01:32:58.480 He probably blew somebody.

01:32:59.820 Fucking half a fag.

01:33:01.780 That's the other angle of it.

01:33:03.540 So you have to learn how to deal with all that, be a comic, and remember, be the biggest

01:33:09.320 thing that's, I'm a man.

01:33:11.620 Yeah.

01:33:11.860 If I became a comic, this, that, a felon, we're men.

01:33:15.700 And we got to act like fucking men.

01:33:17.100 Yeah.

01:33:17.460 I think that's one thing that I, you know, like, that you don't even, you kind of covertly,

01:33:21.400 like, you know, I think you infuse that, like, you know, even just hearing you tell your stories,

01:33:26.460 knowing, you know, recognizing you got a second chance with some stuff, with some family stuff.

01:33:30.720 And like, you know, that stuff is like, you know, low key, like inspiring, you know, because,

01:33:37.140 you know, yes, you know, for me personally, you know, I live in some of those worlds and I

01:33:41.540 just feel, you know, scared and nervous, but, you know, I do know, you do make, you always

01:33:46.080 make me feel like I have a friend and that I have somebody that cares.

01:33:48.360 And like, you know, if I'm, if I'm friends with you to the end of my life, man, I'd be

01:33:51.860 honored, you know?

01:33:52.740 No, this is, listen, man, I lost, God took away my family, but he showed me the gift of

01:33:58.220 friendship.

01:33:58.800 Yeah.

01:33:59.220 And the gift of friendship is beautiful.

01:34:01.500 People just misuse it.

01:34:03.540 Yeah.

01:34:04.200 Mishandle it.

01:34:04.680 And they don't know how to handle it.

01:34:06.460 Yeah.

01:34:06.720 You have acquaintances and you have friends and you have people you live and breathe for.

01:34:11.440 I breathe for you.

01:34:12.800 I breathe for Lee.

01:34:13.820 I breathe for Kate Quigley.

01:34:16.080 Joe Rogan, I'll stand in front of a book.

01:34:18.240 Ari Shafia, I will take that bullet from the comedy store and shoot you 12 times.

01:34:22.800 You mess with Ari Shafia.

01:34:24.100 You mess with my Jew, I'll fucking kill you.

01:34:26.720 You mess with Duncan, I'll put a bullet in you.

01:34:28.920 You mess with Eddie, I'll shoot you to death.

01:34:31.520 You touch Red Band, I will fucking personally send you to Mars.

01:34:35.520 I will call somebody that lights people on fires for a living for $5,000.

01:34:40.360 You touch Red Band.

01:34:40.800 Fuego Frankie, baby.

01:34:41.760 People have no idea what it is living for some, breathing for somebody.

01:34:45.460 Yeah.

01:34:45.820 Everything in this Hollywood town is he's amazing is that you ain't shit.

01:34:49.860 That's why when, when the shit turns, you know, look at now.

01:34:53.460 So, so somebody accuses Theo of something and I got to hate Theo.

01:34:57.180 No, that's not how it works.

01:34:58.780 I know Theo 20 years.

01:35:00.460 I'm going to back Theo.

01:35:01.600 Right.

01:35:01.820 If, if something happens to me and an agent fires me and that, and I'm with that agency

01:35:06.380 and hasn't, I would fire that agent.

01:35:08.080 Yeah.

01:35:08.620 Because they don't back their people.

01:35:10.300 Right.

01:35:10.540 That's what we don't have anymore.

01:35:12.340 Yeah.

01:35:12.480 Did he really touch your pussy?

01:35:14.020 Prove it and I'm still with him.

01:35:15.520 Yeah.

01:35:15.820 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:35:17.380 Yeah.

01:35:17.700 But we live in a society out here that we don't have nothing.

01:35:20.160 We only have friends as hot as our career gets.

01:35:23.160 If we get hot, then they talk to you.

01:35:25.040 I don't want you to talk to me.

01:35:26.080 I want you to talk to me when I was broke.

01:35:28.020 Yeah.

01:35:28.180 Those are the people I talked to today.

01:35:30.100 The people that were my friends, when I would go up to the comic store and go, Theo, let

01:35:34.060 me $3 so I could get a gram of Coke.

01:35:35.880 I got 17.

01:35:37.580 If you give me three, I get a 20.

01:35:41.160 I'd give you three forever, man.

01:35:42.700 I love you.

01:35:43.300 Thank you for having me down here.

01:35:45.220 I love you too, man.

01:35:45.400 I wouldn't drive down here for anybody else but you.

01:35:47.480 You know that.

01:35:48.040 You know I hate fucking driving.

01:35:49.220 I came down here for you and for your fans and your family.

01:35:52.420 Yeah.

01:35:52.800 We appreciate it, man.

01:35:53.540 We got a lot of young listeners that love you.

01:35:54.880 I got this hat too, man, that a buddy and my mate, it's from my friend's company called

01:36:00.400 Hood Hats but they make dope hats and nobody else has that hat, man.

01:36:02.960 It says West Hollywood Comedy Store.

01:36:04.980 This is it.

01:36:05.540 It's one of a kind.

01:36:06.900 Thank you very much.

01:36:08.840 I love you, man.

01:36:09.520 Thanks for coming on.

01:36:10.120 I love you.

01:36:10.560 Thank you for having me on.

01:36:11.420 Yeah.

01:36:11.740 I'll see you soon.

01:36:12.280 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:36:18.480 I must be cornerstone.

01:36:23.640 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:36:29.220 I can feel it in my bones.

01:36:32.600 But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind

01:36:44.600 Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:36:54.600 Shine on me And I will find a song

01:37:03.780 I will sing it just for you

01:37:07.600 And now I've been moving way too fast On a runaway train with a heavy load of my hand

01:37:18.600 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite And welcome to Kite Club

01:37:23.140 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events

01:37:26.800 Stand-up stories And seven ways to pleasure your partner

01:37:30.340 The answer may shock you

01:37:32.240 Sometimes I'll interview my friends

01:37:34.260 Sometimes I won't

01:37:35.580 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:37:39.080 You have three new voice messages

01:37:41.960 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club

01:37:44.960 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long

01:37:47.760 Longer than anybody else

01:37:49.400 So great

01:37:50.200 Aye, suya

01:37:51.940 Here's a deal

01:37:53.240 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker

01:37:57.740 Jermaine

01:37:58.440 Ho ho, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry

01:38:02.760 Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken

01:38:04.600 Ho ho ho, no

01:38:06.780 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:38:09.560 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is

01:38:11.960 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:38:13.680 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:38:15.620 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:38:17.880 Third rule

01:38:18.660 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts

01:38:21.520 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:38:23.900 And yes, don't worry

01:38:24.940 My Brad Pitt impression will get better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 23, 2018

Joey Diaz ｜ This Past Weekend #124

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