Mark Normand ｜ This Past Weekend #258
Episode Stats
Length
2 hours and 17 minutes
Words per Minute
226.74173
Hate Speech Sentences
155
Summary
Comedian Mark Normand joins the boys to talk about his life growing up in Louisiana, how he got into stand-up comedy, and why he thinks the podcast should be called Stories, Baby . The boys also talk about what it's like to be a black comedian in LA, and what it s like to work at Blockbuster.
Transcript
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Today's guest is a fellow Louisiana native comedian.
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You can see him tonight at the La Jolla Comedy Store in San Diego
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This year, I started feeling so uncomfortable sometimes
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that sometimes it gives me like a little bit of like a...
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I don't know if it almost makes me feel like I'm in disguise almost.
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I don't want you to know what I'm doing, you know?
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something that everybody knows what I'm thinking
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Do you feel like New York is behind in the podcast world?
00:02:02.380
Yeah, somebody said he had graffiti on his back
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Yeah, he probably fell asleep at a train station.
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driving 17 cars and living in a warehouse, you know?
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So we gotta take a little note from you guys on that.
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And he would know about all the cool nightclubs and shit.
00:03:25.920
Something would be in the trunk that was for sale
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It was velvet roped and had bottle service over there.
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I heard there was a huge fight in the beginning
00:04:18.120
but Blu-ray won because the porn industry adopted it.
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but I have watched probably within the last 11 hours.
00:10:22.040
Want to bring up a picture of Sam Perkins please?
00:17:29.960
because at least Ari was trying to be humorous.
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And then we should tweet out your fucking address.
00:21:18.620
I just vomited outside of this girl's entryway,
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And then I finally just got honest with her and,
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I think she was kind of being nice because it kind of happened,
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we all kind of pretend like we're cool and we're not nervous and we don't give a fuck,
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I got sober a couple of years ago and got into that world.
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And so that kind of stuff made me start to like,
00:22:53.180
it's definitely helped me with trying not to be so like,
00:22:58.540
I'm still kind of edgy about business and stuff.
00:23:14.200
but that's interesting about learning as we grow and growing into our voice.
00:23:52.060
I feel like you've honed a thing and I'm still,
00:23:57.760
but I think one of the thing that we start to realize is that,
00:24:01.440
we're already kind of with maybe where we need to be in some ways.
00:24:12.640
but it's also you kind of your ambiance meeting up with this.
00:24:29.960
It's all very strange and we don't know what we're doing,
00:24:37.800
We're going to be like Mel Brooks and fucking Carl Reiner going,
00:24:41.160
I wish we had stopped and soaked it in a little.
00:25:00.560
That's a bar in New Orleans that had an upstairs show.
00:25:54.560
I felt like you guys had like such a close knit group there,
00:26:08.460
that little bar that was downstairs next door across the street.
00:26:11.780
Originally just had a sign on the stage that said Brown on it.
00:26:26.040
I was just sitting there with literally 17 drinks.
00:26:43.060
it didn't even seem like a way to make a living.
00:26:48.940
And try to get laid and drive around drunk and,
00:27:04.460
It almost kind of helped being desperate and worthless and a loser.
00:27:16.780
you almost have to be at this low space in yourself.
00:27:41.840
But you're just so young and drunk the whole time.
00:27:47.920
I feel like now that's a different side where I think I would understand you guys holding on to the culture more of comedy,
00:27:57.940
Because you guys really go through it there in New York.
00:28:02.520
you're sleeping on the fat guy's back for $20 a night.
00:28:13.920
I'm pitching these shows that'll never get sold.
00:28:35.400
You're getting paid probably like a hundred grand a year
00:29:13.180
like it had to be as you're growing over there and as you're getting more opportunities,
00:30:01.860
You always have somebody like that in the building that makes,
00:30:13.160
But then you go to the comedy store and I'm in the main room,
00:30:18.180
like Brendan Schaub's a fucking chiseled fat bitch.
00:30:34.000
He's a thick crust and he's got the cheese in there too.
00:31:01.920
what's amazing about Brendan Mann and because he and I do the King of the
00:31:12.120
which you would never even imagine if you talked to him that he was a
00:31:20.040
he's kind of like that American dream in a weird way of like that.
00:31:55.120
that's one of the things that I think a younger generation with comedy that they attract to more because they don't,
00:32:02.640
they don't have this kind of left like this to them.
00:32:20.800
this doldrum inside of me and that's what keeps me going.
00:32:26.420
It's nothing but shootings and death and politics and Trump and all this shit coming at you.
00:32:38.280
cause some guys you watch like Bill Burr and it's just like,
00:32:58.440
That broke into like a Claire's boutique and will not leave.
00:33:06.860
If a Chewbacca ran through a Armani exchange and shit stuck to him.
00:33:24.580
I see one fucking giant shoe of an Air Jordan hit the concrete.
00:33:39.520
I wish sometimes that I had like the clothing confidence.
00:33:47.900
That's the only thing I ever think when I put something on.
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every time I'm in a dressing room at like a gap,
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I put something on like a jean jacket and I go,
00:34:08.060
And you put that shit right back on the hanger.
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like once you go out to the other mirrors outside of your room.
00:34:19.140
And asking people if I'm a medium or a large and then just fucking,
00:34:45.660
Whether it's a turtleneck or a fucking sheepskin vest,
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And then that's why like ladies will gravitate to some like ill-dressed,
00:35:39.880
I know you've seen him in New York over the years.
00:35:56.080
if you were doing comedy back then you loved comedy because now it's kind of hip and it's
00:36:11.600
I looked up to all you guys cause you guys were a little older.
00:36:14.440
you'd been on stage a few times and I didn't even know how to pull the mic out.
00:36:55.960
Another young Jew going to sneak over that in New York and make it happen.
00:37:24.840
But the funny thing is about like a lot of Jewish people.
00:37:35.580
You got to realize there's 6% of the country and they're killing everything.
00:37:45.860
But then also there's a dark side of having a Jewish buddy.
00:37:48.200
A one spoon of bad yogurt and you don't see him for,
00:37:59.680
You give a fucking half of a mango and he breaks out into Christianity.
00:38:04.900
You just got some sand Christian wandering around with you.
00:38:15.500
And then you go to Brooklyn at some guy at a diner going,
00:38:40.480
My mom dated a Jewish black guy for a little while.
00:38:49.680
he got his tickets to go to our first Saints game.
00:38:57.160
I grew up in a Treme and I went to De La Salle for high school.
00:39:21.560
I saw her a couple months ago or a couple of like a year ago.
00:39:52.240
You can't have a lady that's had 9,000 oysters and she's clocking in visually.
00:40:30.180
I stayed at her house for a while and I used to have this nervous condition.
00:40:39.400
Like you would put your dick in the sink and pee?
00:40:48.540
So I'd go in there and when I was standing at her folks house,
00:40:57.980
because the cats would get over and they would start peeing in the sink and stuff to combat somebody
00:41:24.720
I would have just been like these fucking cats are running my sink.
00:41:32.040
Tarrytown's a good place to get Nikes and murdered.
00:42:14.460
I remember reading the instructions inside the dryer door going,
00:42:21.740
one time I peed the bed at my friend's house and I was just covered in piss.
00:42:27.160
So I had to go to summer camp with him the next day covered in piss wet the
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But I just had to just not let anybody touch me.
00:42:50.880
That was the worst waking up at night at a friend's house.
00:42:53.060
Cause you were already so scared to stay at a friend's.
00:42:56.260
Cause the only thing I could think of every night,
00:43:00.120
And then how's it going to make me feel about myself?
00:43:02.740
And then you wake up at a friend's and it's literally like the worst game
00:43:11.360
I remember having a lamp one time in somebody's room and I snuck over with the
00:43:16.700
To dry where the heat was coming out of the top of the lamp and I would
00:43:18.720
move it over just a little at a time in that space.
00:43:31.880
Even though some of the people's moms probably would have been cool.
00:43:34.540
You just didn't want your buddy really to know.
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And I woke up and all eight friends were around me standing,
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I looked down, I'm covered in pee, and they're all staring at me.
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And one of my friends goes, why do you do that?
00:44:07.920
And then at home, did you have to clean your own bed?
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Did you have to clean the bed off and put new sheets on at night?
00:44:11.740
Sure, I would flip that mattress, you know, constantly.
00:44:15.760
No, because I had it, but it was too disheartening.
00:44:18.720
Every time you sit down, it sounded like a bag of Fritos.
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It's like wearing a, some people say, why don't you wear a diaper?
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I'd rather be covered in shit than wear a diaper.
00:44:38.440
Dude, that's what I say like about bike helmets.
00:44:40.040
It's like, I would rather my father die getting hit by a car on a bicycle than see my father
00:44:54.620
My dad, one time my dad lost his job and we were like, oh shit, you know, it's kind
00:45:02.200
And he came in one day with a gumball machine over his shoulder and we're like, what are
00:45:07.600
And he's like, hey, you know, got to make ends meet.
00:45:12.260
He's the guy like setting up gumballs in a ride aid and then taking the quarters out.
00:45:17.760
And I was like, ooh, this is like your role model.
00:45:20.720
You know, you know, this guy, he's wearing a suit and every day and driving a nice car.
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And then one day he's carrying a fucking gumball machine.
00:45:30.880
Like did you, did you have embarrassment, like bringing people over to your place and stuff
00:45:43.140
Well, he didn't know like my friends would be home and so he'd have a t-shirt on with
00:45:54.060
So like we never had soda, you know, we never had like Lunchables or Gushers or any of that
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It was always like, what is it, evaporated milk was over there a lot.
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We had like, we didn't have ranch dressing, but we had vinaigrette like in that weird
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French bottle and it was all stained and gross.
00:46:12.140
My mom was a weird chef foodie twat thing and it was brutal.
00:46:17.720
You know, some people had like Domino's, you know, we didn't have any of that shit.
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They're like, that's bad for you, which I get now.
00:46:23.060
But at the time you're like, can't we order some Pizza Hut, you idiots?
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And you're like, come on, I'm not eating a radish.
00:46:40.720
Oh, we didn't have, no, we didn't have any of that.
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None of that Pop-Tart, all that shit was like gold to me.
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But also like, but also, yeah, she wouldn't get us like the regular stuff that all the other
00:46:54.120
And also, I think some of it was kind of pricey, you know?
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But yeah, man, I remember it was always embarrassing, this stuff.
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Not only did my, like, everything else felt embarrassing, but the stuff we had to eat felt
00:47:17.400
I had a grocery bag with all kinds of weird shit in it and a jar of chocolate milk, like
00:47:22.640
Were you going to school at the Greyhound station?
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They thought I had a kidney in there or some shit.
00:47:40.160
But so right here, even just hearing this, it creates a world inside of you.
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It's like, so suddenly there's so many more little elements to the world.
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It's like, not only am I going to school today, but I have this weird lunch.
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So suddenly you're creating like all these levels to the world.
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And then you develop this weird thing where you think everybody's paying attention to
00:48:17.540
So you have to always be performing because even when nobody's looking at you, you think
00:48:22.800
So you always are like trying to seem okay, trying to seem like this.
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So then right there, even inadvertently, you get used to being a performer.
00:48:30.940
Without even your own like, so then it makes sense that when there's an opportunity to perform
00:48:35.620
somewhere that it's inside of you, oh, I could do this maybe.
00:48:45.480
The reason people do stand up is so you can control why people laugh at you.
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And I remember I heard that and it hit me because it's so true.
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You don't want them to laugh at you for wetting the bed, but you want them to laugh at you
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You know, and I think that's a big part of stand up.
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I want to be able to, I have to, I need to have some way of controlling what you think
00:49:08.560
Because so many other things in my life made me feel like I have no control over why
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these people are looking at me this way or what's going on.
00:49:17.260
Like all that mom, like the weird shit your parents would do and stuff that I had no
00:49:27.380
I mean, we had all kinds of weird shit in my house.
00:49:29.220
My teacher thought I was retarded when I was in third grade.
00:49:34.840
My mom had to like come in and be like, I swear to God, he's not, you know.
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But she was like, why do you think he's retarded?
00:49:42.560
So it was a page of instruments like drawn, like a flute, a guitar, a piano, whatever.
00:49:47.700
And the instructions were circle the instruments.
00:49:56.100
But I saw a Marx Brothers movie when I was like seven where he played a saw.
00:50:00.540
And so I circled a saw because in my mind, I'm like, yeah, it's music.
00:50:02.940
So when I told my mom that, she was like, oh, thank God.
00:50:06.040
I was about to, you know, ship you off to Indonesia and have you killed.
00:50:10.440
But so that was, so, you know, it was thinking outside the box was risky back then.
00:50:17.580
I remember I've told this story before, but I had the first kid I ever met that had a stutter.
00:50:21.300
I thought it was the best thing I'd ever heard.
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And so I started having a stutter because I thought it was so cool.
00:50:52.060
And so that, like, yeah, when they said, oh, you can't do that.
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I was like, you just don't see that there's other ways to do things.
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And I get where they're coming from because they don't hurt the kid, but they didn't see
00:51:12.980
It was tough, man, especially in my neighborhood.
00:51:16.100
You seemed kind of, you had some white, some blacks.
00:51:19.860
It was just kind of poor, black and white, but yeah, kind of suburban-y.
00:51:31.080
But in Treme, I can't even imagine growing up over there.
00:51:41.960
Yeah, my dad bought a mansion that was dilapidated on Esplanade Avenue.
00:51:50.980
Well, I think if you really want to get into it, my dad had a real bad childhood, and he's
00:51:55.300
like, he always wanted to make something of himself, but he never really did.
00:51:58.200
So then he saw this mansion for cheap, cheap, cheap, because the neighborhood sucked.
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It had holes in the seats, and it was rusted out, but it was a BMW.
00:52:15.420
So, yeah, it was a horrible way to live, because everybody thought we were rich.
00:52:22.260
They're like, oh, these people got to have money.
00:52:25.660
So my dad installed this alarm system, and it would go, woo, woo, woo, like, go crazy
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Like, somebody below me is rifling through our shit and stealing our TV or whatever.
00:52:39.980
And you're like, he could come up and rape me and have his way with me and blow me and
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Yeah, I'm putting on makeup and perfume and doing my nails and all that shit.
00:52:51.580
Like, we'd come home a lot, and the door was just open.
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And it's very violating, and just, you never felt comfortable.
00:52:59.180
Because you're like, we get robbed right now, you know?
00:53:02.020
Yeah, I can't imagine that level of it, you know?
00:53:05.100
Like, I think, yeah, I was, like, scared a lot, but that's, uh, I don't know if we ever
00:53:09.440
had that, yeah, coming home and being robbed and, like, just knowing somebody could be in
00:53:13.920
I always was scared that somebody was in our place while I was going to bed at night.
00:53:19.480
I'd have to open the closets, and I would hook these, like, cables from one door to the next
00:53:23.320
so, like, they couldn't open one door because it would, the other door would stop at, like,
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just all this crazy level of checks and balances to just feel like, okay, I'm good.
00:53:34.480
We got robbed a bunch, so we kept calling the cops, and eventually they were like, all
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We're just going to stake out in your kitchen overnight, and maybe we'll catch a guy.
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So these two cops, plainclothes detectives, came, and we met them, and it was all exciting.
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They had the belt gun and the badge on the belt thing, you know, the whole thing.
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And I was like, oh, my God, I couldn't sleep then.
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I hope they beat the shit out of him and tase him and all this shit.
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I run downstairs imagining that they're going to have guys in a headlock and cuffed and put
00:54:13.040
They ate all the fucking Cheerios and made pancakes because they got bored, and they just ate
00:54:22.360
They took the radishes and the chicken bones and all that shit.
00:54:36.380
And the scariest part was, like, the face-to-face crime.
00:54:41.640
And, you know, these are big, you know, black kids.
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And, you know, they got, like, some mustache going and all this.
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One kid named Puberty Wilson that they had in our neighborhood.
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The racial environment down there was just, it was just black people had nothing.
00:55:14.740
Like, now, as I get older, you see, like, oh, okay.
00:55:18.280
These people had, they didn't have, you know, like, there wasn't any black doctors.
00:55:25.620
So, you didn't have, of course, they wouldn't have any role models.
00:55:28.620
Like, it's going to be very, you know, like, the chain of, like, of poverty, like, the level of poverty you get into, not just fiscally, but then beyond that, where you get into, like, emotional, just having nothing.
00:55:42.520
Like, I would get my bike stolen, I'd run home crying, and I'd go, mom, they stole my bike.
00:55:50.360
But I will say, as a white kid, growing up, like, the only white kid, in that neighborhood, you're the minority.
00:55:56.660
You go outside the neighborhood, you're back as a white priv.
00:55:59.960
You know, but in that neighborhood, you're the, and it feels bad.
00:56:04.480
Like, they can just go, hey, white boy, and you're like, ah, fuck.
00:56:08.440
It's just, I'm a boy who's white, but it still hurt.
00:56:12.680
Yeah, so I kind of, I don't want to say I relate to a lot of shit, but, you know, I get it.
00:56:17.620
Well, you've had that experience where, because that's the end, that's the end thing.
00:56:26.920
You know, I'm not, yeah, and then all the rest of it piles on.
00:56:30.440
Like, there's more women on earth than men, but if one girl is at a party with 50 dudes, she's going to feel weird.
00:56:39.820
You know, we just talk about minorities and majority and all that, but it changes depending on your environment.
00:56:47.300
And I think, yeah, I feel like there's a lot, I feel like when I was growing up, there was probably a good bit of, and racism kind of felt both ways.
00:56:54.460
If you weren't a racist person, if you didn't really like, you know, there were some people who probably hated black people.
00:57:01.700
You know, adapted to like old, like kind of, you know, I don't want to say redneck type of stuff, because there's redneck people that aren't that way at all.
00:57:12.920
And then if you interacted with black kids and they were mean, it gave you this, you're like, shit, well, what do I do?
00:57:23.700
And they probably didn't have anything else to do.
00:57:25.260
Like, if you think, everywhere you go, it's like everybody has something but you.
00:57:31.580
I was hanging out with these two guys, Marnett and Tony.
00:57:35.960
And we were at the Black Mall, because I slept at their house, so we went to their mall and the whole thing.
00:57:42.160
And one of my friends was doing well at Street Fighter.
00:57:48.180
And these two bigger black guys behind me, like Puberty Wilson and Testosterone Jones, were like, get him, Tony, get him, like doing the white voice.
00:57:59.700
I had to, like, go in the bathroom and be like, all right, take it easy.
00:58:06.060
Yeah, my two friends were like, don't worry about those guys.
00:58:09.460
I was like, yeah, yeah, because you're already the outsider.
00:58:12.160
And then you were doing the white voice, and they called me on it.
00:58:29.980
That's the thing sometimes that I hate the most about.
00:58:33.360
And I attribute a lot of it to, you know, I think that's kind of what my alcoholism is sometimes, is just this heightened level of awareness and sensitivity.
00:58:44.300
Yeah, and I just want anything to, like, please, just something, make it so I just.
00:58:52.660
Yeah, because you care at this intense level of every, constantly, that it's exhausted you.
00:59:00.400
And you have the couple drinks, you're like, ah, I can fucking enjoy myself for 10 minutes.
00:59:06.160
Like, for so long, I heard recently, someone said, life's not happening to you, it's just, life is just happening.
00:59:14.280
And I'd always, I'd never realized this wind of the world that I'd always felt like was pushing against me.
00:59:27.020
And so then, every now and then, that helps me feel a little different.
00:59:36.520
Mark, it was really good to see you come through Springfield, Missouri, right before Christmas when you played the Blue Room.
00:59:46.280
Hopefully, the people of Springfield were good to you.
00:59:50.200
I know you guys both live on the coast and big cities.
00:59:53.980
I was wondering if you've ever considered moving away from L.A. and New York to maybe set up routes in the Midwest or the South
01:00:12.280
I was jealous of you when you got to open up for Amy Schumer because you were making some money.
01:00:17.040
I mean, the Jets, and she would just hit that arena level.
01:00:19.440
So, I was making good money and getting treated well.
01:00:23.940
And what were you having, ice cream at night and everything?
01:00:29.060
So, it was just like so much hotel room service.
01:00:32.500
And we had movies and big screen and the weed and the edibles and the anal and the fucking booze.
01:00:45.260
You know, but I know people have a problem with her.
01:00:51.380
Oh, well, I mean, I think, yeah, I think she, for me, I thought that, and I would talk about Amy,
01:00:56.200
you know, I talked to her on the phone maybe a couple weeks ago, but I felt like she was
01:01:01.440
starting to maybe want to even get more into politics, actually.
01:01:05.580
I have no truth about this, but this is a perception that I had.
01:01:10.320
And whenever Hillary didn't win the election, I think she was going to not use that vibe,
01:01:18.080
Like, she was part of that, and she wanted probably to try and get into politics then, maybe.
01:01:22.620
Yeah, the politics is, I never touch it, because it just splits the room, and it's a bad idea.
01:01:28.560
You look at Twitter now, all the comics are just going, like, we need to change this,
01:01:32.620
and this is, I'm an activist now, and this is that, and you're like, what happened to
01:01:37.000
You can have your opinion, but, like, let's make with the yuck-em-ups, Chuckles.
01:01:44.520
I get so, like, worried about my own fucking, like, doldrums that sometimes I forget, though.
01:01:48.620
But I have to remind myself sometimes, dude, you can't fucking go in here every day.
01:01:57.960
But I felt like, yeah, but I've always thought that she's one of the funniest people off of
01:02:04.280
I mean, without even watching her comment, without even taking that into context.
01:02:09.520
Like, she's running circles around, and you're like, damn, I got to step it up.
01:02:12.860
And especially, you're like, shoot, I thought that I was quick or something inside of me
01:02:19.720
It's just like, wow, she's on some level that's a little beyond.
01:02:24.540
Like, she could say that thing where you're like, ooh, I didn't know you knew that.
01:02:30.780
Yeah, like, yeah, just, I mean, I always say that she's, her, Donnell Rawlings, two of
01:02:36.980
the funniest people that I've ever been around.
01:02:46.520
But, yeah, man, I was like, man, this guy's living it up, dude.
01:03:01.740
So I was getting the, you know, placenta runoff.
01:03:11.980
And, you know, we're in the Four Seasons and shit, so.
01:03:14.560
Yeah, dude, I think I caught up with, yeah, I remember a couple of places I caught up
01:03:19.800
We did Mahalia Jackson, New Orleans, and we went to What's-Her-Face's house after.
01:03:27.260
And I remember being like, come on, Theo, this is New Year's, baby.
01:03:38.580
See, that's the dangerous thing is the problem with booze and Xanax and Coke and all that is
01:03:43.620
it feels right, so you don't want to quit, but the best thing to do is quit.
01:03:47.620
Because you need it so bad that you've got to learn how to not need it.
01:03:51.920
You know, you've got to, it feels so good, so you're like, oh, drinking is what I should
01:03:56.320
But that's exactly why you shouldn't be drinking.
01:03:57.840
You've got to learn how to overcome it without it.
01:04:03.120
My therapist, I'm always like, just give me some Xanax.
01:04:05.500
Give me a fucking Valium or whatever, a prescription.
01:04:08.840
Let's just try to beat the anxiety instead of just trying to, like, medicate it away.
01:04:17.380
You know, I remember the first time a guy gave me a Soma, this homosexual guy.
01:04:28.240
And he was homosexual, but also a prize fighter.
01:04:43.520
And a half hour later, I just turned to my car.
01:04:45.980
I was on a highway and just took a straight up fucking right turn off of it.
01:04:54.700
There's a lot of ways to die because there's boats.
01:05:05.800
We had a kid, this boy Andy, and he ghosts were chasing him or something.
01:05:10.460
He was dealing with him, and he ended up taking his own life.
01:05:13.400
I had a bunch of friends die of heroin, a bunch of friends die of methadone growing up,
01:05:18.480
Some of the best heroin recipes you've ever had in your life.
01:05:28.620
Dude, put a little fucking Tony Shastry in that needle, baby.
01:05:42.840
I just went down back home to see my folks, and boy, I really ate it up.
01:05:51.600
You know what's weird is they don't really say much, but then I talk to, like, I'll meet
01:05:55.900
They're like, your mom never shuts up about you.
01:06:01.520
But I think we're just, we're a cold people, the Normans.
01:06:07.160
I'm a touchy-feely douche, but they're, it's very, they're military.
01:06:12.640
They're like, you know, stiff upper lip, kind of.
01:06:15.800
Yeah, my dad, this idea of a hug, they'll just give you a tap on the shoulder, and you're
01:06:34.200
So I'm trying to, like, do it myself and push it on him.
01:06:37.520
And are you having sex and stuff now, or what are you doing?
01:06:41.380
Oh, yeah, I got a hot lady at the house in New York, and.
01:06:48.220
I mean, she's got, everybody's got problems, but she's, like, she met my parents, and she's
01:06:54.080
Like, you meet my parents, you feel like you're bombing, you know?
01:06:57.660
Like, you'll just say a whole thing, and they'll go, like, they won't respond.
01:07:03.280
He said my mom has still face, which is this, like, thing that moms have that makes babies
01:07:07.940
cry and shit, because they're not giving you any reaction, which is why I do stand-up,
01:07:14.400
I just need some, some, I need to know that things are okay.
01:07:17.880
Yes, yes, and with them, you have no idea where you're at.
01:07:28.300
It's interesting, because that's some of the stuff that leads us to, just to our behavior
01:08:02.000
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It can be, well, I have these different drivers who are working for my transport company.
01:09:28.780
How do I get them all on the same timeline and make sure that they're not working at the
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All types of ways, all types of software, all for your business.
01:09:59.560
What do you think, how do you think it plays out with Ari, with everything that's happened?
01:10:06.540
Because last night it said on that article that people, they didn't have the show because
01:10:10.360
they were afraid people called into the comedy club.
01:10:15.060
And a lot of those calls, dude, look, I've made calls like that.
01:10:22.000
But yeah, we don't live in a show up world anymore.
01:10:36.240
I mean, his message was it was real true to who he was, even at the end where he says,
01:10:43.060
I mean, obviously, his publicist or manager made him do it because I know Ari and he's not this
01:10:51.540
Like when Shane Gillis had to put one of these out, we all made fun of him because it was
01:10:54.440
so publicist, you know, like it didn't have him in it at all.
01:10:58.180
And like he told us what he wanted to say and it was way funnier.
01:11:03.720
You know, we're trying to have careers, but I think it'll ultimately help him.
01:11:12.080
You know, and there's and and you it's OK to have that.
01:11:16.280
It's like I just want I'm trying to think of a person that I could compare him to in
01:11:21.200
It's not like an Alfred Hitchcock, but like, you know, someone who's just like mischievous,
01:11:42.800
He's been on here and any any and people really, really enjoyed it.
01:11:50.460
It just was a really it's just like almost like the Andrea Gale of bad shit.
01:11:58.160
You know, we got weird priorities like Chris Brown beat the shit out of a lady and he's got
01:12:02.980
a documentary out and people think he's hot and sexy.
01:12:11.080
But Chris Brown's doing the moonwalk somewhere.
01:12:21.800
I mean, it's definitely turned into more of like a world star hip hop kind of.
01:12:27.760
And more, you know, urban, black, American, whatever you want to say.
01:12:34.440
And some of that, I'm like, are these, is this, is TMZ just like using the black, like
01:12:40.280
is it creating this other, this cycle of like behavior sometimes or contributing to a cycle
01:12:46.240
of behavior or influencing a cycle of behavior?
01:12:49.180
You know, it's like, not like I don't buy a lot of cultural appropriation shit, but I
01:12:52.580
do sometimes, like I got, sometimes that show Catfish, I just feel like it takes advantage
01:12:57.340
of black people that don't know how to use the internet.
01:13:04.720
Well, I just feel like TV and showbiz, they just go where the money's at.
01:13:09.820
So if that's the way it goes, like McDonald's for some reason went straight black people in
01:13:14.380
You know, it used to be like, McDonald's, get a McFish.
01:13:26.540
That hot apple pie is ready for you there, Quincy.
01:13:31.160
But yeah, I feel like you just kind of go, oh, that's who's buying the fucking McDoubles?
01:13:40.320
Maybe that's just some weird thing that it's probably some weird hang up that I have,
01:13:45.780
Sometimes I think that Hollywood, like, leads us in a direction.
01:13:49.980
But the more I learn, Hollywood just follows where the money is.
01:13:53.780
They don't know what, I mean, think about all the funny comedians, you know, who aren't
01:13:57.480
Because we got to have this hot guy du jour or whatever the fuck, you know, this guy's
01:14:01.900
and they're selling tickets, so they don't care.
01:14:04.200
They're not, they pretend to like Pryor and Carlin, but they don't give a shit.
01:14:07.400
They just worry, you know, they're just worried about who's making money.
01:14:11.360
They're finance guys who say, hey, I like Ali Wong.
01:14:20.120
Yeah, it's, it's, it's, because sometimes I give them this bigger power a lot of times.
01:14:30.320
Which is crazy, because that's kind of one of the side, one of the side effects of coming
01:14:33.420
out of like, you know, the type of childhood you come out of and stuff to be a comedian,
01:14:37.900
is that then whenever you get to a place and somebody's offering, you said, you, you're
01:14:44.860
And that like kind of goes over into the business sense sometimes.
01:14:48.540
It can really cost you, yeah, it can cost you ownership of things.
01:14:52.360
And, you know, it can really kind of have you selling out before you even know what's
01:14:59.400
Look at all, at first it's like, you do it a couple open mics.
01:15:07.480
You just want to be, you want to be invited to the party, but you don't actually want
01:15:21.280
But the real okay is guys like Schultz who go, blow me, industry.
01:15:27.960
And if you go into any, you know, pitch meeting and go, I got this guy, Fashion, who
01:15:33.340
does this right by the camera, they're going to go, now how's that going to make any money?
01:15:54.700
Let's get a question that came in right here that Nick's got.
01:15:57.640
Before we get to the question, I saw this was interesting.
01:15:59.900
We've talked about Dog the Bounty Hunter a couple times on this show.
01:16:02.860
He recently got engaged to one of Best Friends, or he proposed.
01:16:14.640
He just followed me the other day on Instagram.
01:16:18.800
Everybody tweet Dog and tell him we want him on this past week.
01:16:50.500
Oh, I know that guy works at the gas station by my house.
01:17:15.440
But it says in the article they had been dating for weeks, and it was pissing off the daughters.
01:17:19.580
But at the end, it says he never actually gave her the ring.
01:17:27.520
And there in the wedding photo with Beth, you can see she's the number two.
01:17:39.480
I got a mourning my wife here, and this is the closest thing.
01:17:45.560
I mean, he must really be in love to be working with someone, have grenades.
01:17:55.940
And working in, like, tense, like, boot camp environment.
01:17:58.940
You got people in a headlock, and she's holding their legs, and he's kicking.
01:18:01.800
Like, that'll really bond to a couple of weirdos.
01:18:08.660
He does a lot of stuff, like, supporting the military.
01:18:17.460
Look, especially if you're getting older, you, like, sometimes you have a wife, you have
01:18:21.260
a girlfriend, and there's somebody else that you care about.
01:18:23.940
That kind of stuff never, it may dissipate because, obviously, you have to focus on your
01:18:30.240
Maybe he just cared about this lady for a long time and wanted to go.
01:18:33.400
And I'm sure he needs somebody right now, and he probably doesn't know a lot of people.
01:18:38.100
So I'm sure he's got, like, a community he kind of hangs with.
01:18:47.600
If she's friends with Beth, then she's probably got similar personality.
01:18:54.320
Man, I, yeah, I don't know, it'd be nice to have him on.
01:19:02.980
But then I think some guys, they lose, they luckily lose their wife, and they're like,
01:19:09.520
Yeah, well, there's also guys who go too far, and they go, eh, I'll just throw a little laugh,
01:19:39.720
Mark, I always see on Instagram you riding around on that moped of yours through the streets
01:19:45.620
I was wondering if, uh, are you known as, like, the moped master?
01:20:20.700
I mean, I got it towed once, and I had to register it and all that, and I gotta buy a helmet.
01:20:28.540
That was a fun little journey when I got towed.
01:20:37.160
Probably cost about half the bike cost, and it took me, like, a week and a half, but I got it
01:20:40.980
And what are the cons of having that in New York City?
01:20:45.840
A, you gotta lock it up, and, uh, people wanna steal it.
01:20:49.740
People wanna, my neighbors hate it, because it's on the sidewalk, and I gotta cover on
01:20:55.560
The winter, you can't ride it, so you just gotta sit there and get snowed on and shit.
01:21:00.300
Uh, it doesn't start all, it sometimes just doesn't start, you know?
01:21:08.680
I have Italian guys taught me going, I had one of those when I was a kid, oh, my wife's
01:21:21.700
I got it on Craigslist, and I just happened to find a fun one.
01:21:26.180
Now, out here, do you think it would be better to have?
01:21:35.560
Yeah, I'd pull a Dean Del Rey and flip over a car hood.
01:21:47.460
Do you see, uh, when you think about, um, when you think about, like, doing, like, another
01:21:58.580
I mean, I just did it on my own, because nobody would buy it.
01:22:02.860
And are you thinking, so, I guess you'll try and sell it, and then if not, maybe you'll
01:22:09.060
I've been doing the hour for a while now, and it's getting embarrassing.
01:22:11.920
You know, you go back to San Francisco, they're like, we saw this last year.
01:22:14.560
So I'm like, I gotta drop it and write new shit, but nobody wants it, and I kept waiting
01:22:18.200
for someone to buy it, but nobody would give me an offer, so I said, fuck, we'll shoot
01:22:33.260
And that's a new club that's downtown Los Angeles, right?
01:22:38.260
And the Hayworth is the name of the theater, and really cool, really sweet, cute little
01:22:44.260
We got two shows out of it, and it's in the can right now.
01:22:55.600
I'm coming at you from Aurora, Illinois, the snowy Midwest here.
01:23:01.320
But I had a question for the both of you, actually.
01:23:04.020
Theo, you talk a lot about, on your show, and you have a lot of listeners call in about
01:23:12.020
And my question for both of you was, how do you guys deal with the anxieties that you
01:23:17.640
may or may not have, but continue to still do your work and kill it?
01:23:22.960
Mark, I've seen you perform here in Chicago, and you're amazing.
01:23:27.260
I watch all your guys' YouTube videos, and I'm a huge fan.
01:23:31.980
And so I'm just curious how you guys can keep it consistent and still continue to do so well
01:23:37.940
I don't want to be a comedian myself, but how do I apply that to what I want to do and
01:24:02.920
Great-looking eyeballs and a sexy Lorenzo Lom here.
01:24:06.760
Oh, that guy, undeniably better looking than half of the women that I've dated.
01:24:15.560
Dude, I want a fucking knight in Casablanca, huh?
01:24:26.760
God, I want to condition this guy's hair with my fucking body sweat.
01:24:34.880
I just want to lay in his arms and say, Clark can't, you know?
01:24:48.720
But I go the other way, because he's like, how do you do it with anxiety?
01:24:52.460
I think you got to, the more you do, the less anxiety you have.
01:24:56.860
So, if you get over that hump of fear and doubt, then the anxiety kind of goes away.
01:25:02.960
Like, I get scared to do stand-up, but that's why I do it.
01:25:07.860
So, once you just do it, if you think about it, oh, how am I going to do it?
01:25:17.940
And then the interesting thing for me is, even hearing you talk about that, that anxiety
01:25:21.880
of not, when I don't do something, and I just have the anxiety, then it turns into a little
01:25:33.160
It's like, oh, jeez, the guy's helping black kids in Africa and shit.
01:25:41.720
Yeah, you got nothing to be anxious about, man.
01:25:54.940
Yeah, he looks like a Nigo Montoya, prepared to get fucked.
01:25:59.840
Wow, dude, I think if you show your Instagram to a woman, you have nothing to be anxious
01:26:17.820
I think it's just that contrary action, you know?
01:26:19.620
And that's something that they talk about in AA and 12-step stuff a lot.
01:26:22.700
It's just like, yeah, it's thinking about things, laying in bed.
01:26:26.880
When you wake up laying in bed, it's just the worst thing you can do.
01:26:33.060
You think like, oh, I'm scared to be around people.
01:26:40.160
Whereas if you just go out and actually take some action.
01:26:59.880
But if you don't go, you're going to really hate yourself.
01:27:11.900
And I think some of it is just this stagnating, this cul-de-sac-ing of us being, doing stuff
01:27:23.280
I think kind of we're wired as humans evolutionarily.
01:27:39.620
So I think that's why we're more anxious than ever.
01:27:41.940
You know, because you used to just go to a factory.
01:27:51.920
And then we're going to go to the comedy store and that's work.
01:27:57.660
We don't have a ton of human interaction that much.
01:28:00.820
But also, there's a guy recently who was talking to me about that we don't touch the earth as much as we used to.
01:28:07.660
And so this energy of, like, the energy that's supposed to usually come in and out of the ground and in through our bodies and, like, that doesn't happen that much.
01:28:16.040
Whitney on our podcast talked about this practice that's getting popular because of that called grounding.
01:28:20.760
And it's just going barefoot and walking in the dirt and going on hikes, but barefoot because of that whole thing.
01:28:26.000
I mean, the moped, you know, everything in my body is like, what are you doing?
01:28:38.240
I can feel the engine heating up in my asshole and everything and the bumps and my clit's popping.
01:28:46.560
And I get to the spot and I kind of go, whew, I got to take a minute.
01:28:50.660
You know, I'm going down Broadway in the best city in the world.
01:29:01.600
And then I just get there and I'm like, wow, I would have been on the subway with earbuds
01:29:04.480
in just sitting there looking at some hobo, you know, like it, you got to get up and get
01:29:09.920
That's why like woodworking is good or like, that's why these guys do tough mutter and shit.
01:29:13.960
Tough mutter is just like, I got to, I got this body full of muscles and organs.
01:29:27.320
We've definitely created a society in America where it's easy.
01:29:36.460
We're going to just VR a set and we go, all right, I killed.
01:29:41.740
People buy tickets and watch you on in the virtual reality.
01:29:49.460
You'll just be basically a passageway that food goes through.
01:29:59.680
You're like, that's unbelievable that two guys can do that or two women can do that.
01:30:05.160
But the human body is capable of such, you see a guy on a snowboard do 80 flips and land,
01:30:10.100
you're like, I'm eating Cheetos and fingering myself.
01:30:33.920
One of the fighters, yeah, fighter of the year.
01:30:47.660
And we walked into the arena and everybody went nuts for you.
01:30:59.420
And I remember after he won, you guys like hugged.
01:31:14.900
Yeah, dude, that's the first time I saw those guys just go through it so much.
01:31:19.920
And just walking through that tunnel with Rogan, you know, that fucking gorilla with a button
01:31:31.100
You're getting hit with sweat and AIDS is on you and shit.
01:31:40.040
I feel so bad that I forgot the, I just didn't think about it.
01:31:45.740
I got to make some, I got to say the N word or something.
01:31:50.200
If you'd have wrote down the N word on a piece of paper and passed it to me, dude, I'd remember
01:32:04.660
Something about beer, that whole environment made me nervous.
01:32:16.660
You were like, I went shopping, and we chatted for like an hour, and then they came downstairs,
01:32:25.640
I was elbowing you, and I remember I said some things.
01:32:27.780
You were like, hey, take it easy, man, because I was being too offensive, I think.
01:32:34.240
I was making bad jokes at the fighters, like, come on, you pussy.
01:32:39.140
I was just trying to get into it, and you were like, shut the fuck up.
01:32:47.300
Santino had to leave early because he had a show in Atlanta that night.
01:33:00.840
That was such a, yeah, but yeah, it was just wild to see that guy last night.
01:33:11.660
But yeah, Adesanya, I mean, that fight was just crazy, watching those two men hit each
01:33:17.780
Man, that was like the best day of my life, and to you, that was a blip in your mullet
01:33:27.260
We're all like, damn, he has to leave early to go to a show.
01:33:33.500
I'd rather watch this shit fight than go to the show, but it was fun.
01:33:38.140
I'm going to try to get us tickets to another fight, man, and you and I'll go.
01:33:42.180
Boy, I feel like we really bonded, too, on that couch.
01:34:15.420
Named after, obviously, a couple of slaves, let's be honest.
01:34:26.620
Hey, Mark, we're a couple of Tuesdays, and we want to know about your best night.
01:34:46.840
It's hard to pick the top, but I did the, what is that?
01:34:55.140
I did the Forum once, and that was pretty unbelievable.
01:35:01.160
It was just sold out, you know, opening for Schumer.
01:35:10.240
It was unreal, and it's in a circle, and just rocked it, and everything clicked.
01:35:14.980
I did the Patrice O'Neill benefit, and that was a good one with Bill Burr inviting me,
01:35:19.020
which was like such an honor, and that just clicked.
01:35:21.580
I remember I went third, which was like the best spot in this show, and just kicked it
01:35:26.180
right in the teeth, and it just, you know, when your timing is the laugh, and then you,
01:35:33.360
And Bill said some nice things after, so that was great, but the worst probably two months
01:35:39.020
ago during Christmas, I did a bunch of corporate gigs.
01:35:49.140
You're just kind of like trying to keep these people happy and get your paycheck and get
01:36:00.000
Big hotel, ballroom, you know, like white tablecloths, fine china, tuxedos, chandeliers,
01:36:06.880
and I'm hosting, I got note cards, like a stack this high of like, next up, best sleep
01:36:16.900
And I had to study it, and the paycheck was insane.
01:36:19.320
They picked me up with a limo, drove me out to Philadelphia.
01:36:21.840
I get there, I'm supposed to do 15 minutes of stand-up to open, just to like, get them
01:36:29.540
They watched all my YouTube, and they're like, we like your edge and all that shit, so just
01:36:33.840
So I just, to play it safe, I did the, I opened for Seinfeld, and I did the Seinfeld
01:36:37.900
set, which, you know, nothing cleaner than Seinfeld.
01:36:41.000
So I go up, and out of the gate, bomb, bomb, bomb.
01:36:45.580
Every joke, and I'm like, all right, well, let me pull out some heavy hitters.
01:36:55.780
I see a table of women get up and leave in like a huff, and I go, oh, that's not good.
01:37:07.500
And so I get off to like, I bring these people up to like give a little speech about some
01:37:14.920
And I get off, and the CEO of the whole thing is yelling at me, and he's like, how could you
01:37:20.260
And I'm like, wait, what are you talking, I don't even know who your wife is.
01:37:33.020
So I go up to like the curator later, and she's like, she's crying because he yelled at her
01:37:36.720
first, and she's like, you gotta go, you gotta go.
01:37:41.040
Three more hours in the show, and I just had to get in a car and go back to Philly.
01:37:47.560
I studied, and all this shit, and it was like a fine lobster steak dinner, and it was like
01:37:53.200
And this was a big production with like a sound booth guy, and the lighting guy, and the
01:37:57.760
waiters, and all this shit, and I just had to leave.
01:38:08.900
The joke is my girl used a vibrator, and I say I feel like I'm obsolete now, because
01:38:16.220
I feel like this, she's at CVS, and I'm an employee there, and she's using the self-checkout.
01:38:20.800
And I'm like, hey, if you need a hand, I'm your man.
01:38:25.820
Then I'm like, these robots are taking our job, blah, blah, blah.
01:38:30.160
You know, the vibrator's better, but she took that as some of, she probably hasn't gotten
01:38:49.360
Like, I did the material that I did on Conan, you know?
01:38:54.660
Yeah, that sounds like that lady had some kind of issue.
01:38:57.420
Maybe she was having to use a vibrator a lot, and things weren't going well or something.
01:39:02.300
She wanted to get railed by Puberty Wilson, or something was going on.
01:39:05.580
And everybody in that crowd is probably on opioids, because it's pharmaceutical.
01:39:08.940
Yeah, they're fucking drug dealers lecturing me about morality and shit.
01:39:12.620
I'm like, you guys sell pills, Oxycontin, to people that get hooked in Boston, and then
01:39:20.580
Yeah, you're trying to get Somas into Lunchables.
01:39:30.000
For some reason, jokes really hit people, like, hit a nerve with people.
01:39:43.980
Like, I am becoming part of the problem that I even call out sometimes.
01:39:50.780
I'm like, though, like, damn, this thing really has me, like, bent.
01:39:57.640
Like, white male, straight white male, blah, blah.
01:40:04.580
Sometimes I find myself getting, like, triggered by shit.
01:40:16.340
And you've got to sit with it a little bit, maybe, but just to have that gut reaction
01:40:26.700
Well, the thing that's going on is there's something that's making us, why do we feel
01:40:33.840
Like, the feeling of us feeling weird about something has been magnified somehow.
01:40:38.160
It used to be, like, somebody told a joke, it made me feel a certain type of way or something
01:40:44.060
I was more focused on, how is this going to make me laugh?
01:40:47.000
Almost even sometimes I would pretend to laugh.
01:40:52.420
Whereas now, there's this, whatever the muscle or the reactor inside of us that wants to be
01:41:07.560
I think because the more comfort you have, the less tough skin you have, maybe.
01:41:13.400
Like, we're so used to comfort that when you feel a little bit of discomfort, you're
01:41:20.000
And I think people, like, canceling and, like, being morally superior on Twitter and
01:41:25.400
just shouting out a guy, I think makes you feel good.
01:41:35.940
I don't want to say any names, but I was at the comedy club.
01:41:41.460
I was at a comedy club in New York, and we're all talking, hanging out.
01:41:48.140
And he goes, hey, I'm, she goes, hey, I'm, we'll say, Leslie.
01:42:25.360
And then they do it, and you go, shit, that's real.
01:42:32.900
If that were a real person, you wouldn't be behaving that way
01:42:35.580
because you have a wife or you have a girlfriend.
01:42:44.780
And then the effect that you see in the world from that.
01:42:46.920
Like, it's so funny when people were ripping on Ari the other day
01:42:49.760
when it first happened, you know, everybody kept getting into Ari Shafir
01:42:53.400
And then the funniest part to me was people calling him a white supremacist.
01:42:59.680
I mean, I think sometimes he's kind of a Jewish supremacist, I think,
01:43:02.420
sometimes just because of his whole new act, you know.
01:43:12.560
What, do you think you're better than me, you fucking Jew?
01:43:14.500
Yeah, I thought the chosen one was Carmelo Anthony, wasn't it?
01:43:19.600
I also thought the first time I heard Carmelo Anthony, he is a, well,
01:43:22.860
I thought it was a candy, dude, and I was like, I want some.
01:43:31.000
But it made me, but I started to get, I was like, oh yeah, people are pissed at Ari, man.
01:43:36.280
He fucked, and I just noticed my brain starting to go down this little path.
01:43:41.300
He really fucked up, you know, what's going, like.
01:43:43.600
It's the mob mentality with the torches, and you go, oh, we're burning this lady?
01:43:51.860
Now you got, you know, Larry Ruckus sitting on his couch.
01:43:55.580
He hasn't worked ever, and he's like, you know, he has 20,000, 40,000 tweets.
01:44:01.140
If you have over 11,000 tweets, dude, they should give you an amount per year.
01:44:07.380
You really want to use one on this, this little situation?
01:44:10.740
I remember one time in high school, I was hanging out with my friend.
01:44:13.460
He's like, he didn't go to my high school, and we went to his football game.
01:44:16.880
And I'm sitting in the stands, and you start rooting.
01:44:22.600
But you start rooting, and it's the same thing.
01:44:27.780
My whole thing with, like, the Ari stuff and all this, like, I just don't care.
01:44:41.640
Like, it's interesting to think about why it happened.
01:44:46.080
Like, if there was something in his head, if he thought before, like.
01:45:24.400
I mean, some lady said Lakers and Knicker and Knicks, you know, on the television the
01:45:33.880
So right after, I was like, people started sharing that.
01:45:37.540
So I took the, some guy was like, can you believe this lady said this?
01:45:45.540
You know, no matter how many times she says it or something, it's not going to bring him
01:45:54.920
But immediately, let me make sure that's exactly what I said.
01:46:08.260
That if you said the N-word enough, it would bring somebody back from the dead.
01:46:19.660
Perfectly cast on the Los Angeles Knickers, Los Angeles.
01:46:23.240
Los Angeles Knickers, Kavita, if I could ask you to stay with us, we're going to-
01:46:27.660
Perfectly cast on the Los Angeles Knickers, Kavita.
01:46:30.580
I think that they adjusted the audio in that one.
01:46:34.340
Yeah, there's a bit of a hitch in the giddy up.
01:46:37.300
See, what's crazy is, so 1.5 million people, if they did adjust that audio, you have no
01:46:43.720
And now 1.5 million people think that the lady said that.
01:46:50.420
Chris D'Elia had a good tweet, I think, yesterday or this morning, earlier today while reporting.
01:47:00.160
You know, because we get all worked up and shit, and then he's like, he just kind of cuts
01:47:03.280
to the, this is dumb, and you know it, and this is why.
01:47:08.780
Imagine thinking she actually was so secretly racist, and you just want to virtue signal,
01:47:15.020
you're feeling guilty about your own racism, and want people to think you're not a racist.
01:47:21.220
Like, you know, you make a joke about watermelon, somebody goes, hey, that's racist, and you're
01:47:30.740
And that's where I think sometimes Hollywood gets all cornered up, because they've shut
01:47:33.740
themselves, they've painted themselves into this incapable space to be human.
01:47:41.960
And that's why I come out of the gate going, I'm a piece of shit, I suck, I'm a degenerate,
01:47:46.580
I like blow and pussy, you know, because I don't want to fall into that world.
01:47:58.120
Yeah, like, it feels like those guys in Hollywood are all on a reality show, and you said fag,
01:48:04.080
so now you're out the house, you got eliminated, you're done, like Louis C.K. got eliminated,
01:48:09.160
you know, and you're like, ah, just eliminate me now, like, I don't even want to play, I
01:48:14.580
Yeah, I just want to do blow, and say fag in the yard all the time.
01:48:17.660
Right, right, and I'm not a bad guy, and I have no homophobic thought, or I don't even
01:48:21.980
give a shit, but I've noticed the ball busting, because New York has gotten kind of so wokey
01:48:27.340
and everything, that the ball busting has gone LA.
01:48:29.340
It used to be like Tough Crowd, Patrice, Colin Quinn, DiPaolo, Norton, Keith Robinson.
01:48:34.460
Those days are over, you know, DiPaolo's gone wacky, political, Colin Quinn's gone
01:48:40.660
one-man show, whatever, but like, the ball busting now is you guys, you and D'Elia and
01:48:45.980
Swartzen and Schaub and Callen, and those guys are all making fun of each other, and
01:48:53.960
Yeah, I do notice sometimes, like, yeah, it is, like, especially on King and the Sting,
01:48:59.240
it's a fun place where we can, like, just rip each other.
01:49:03.360
We have other people, like, we have a little bit of diversity on there, so it's, like,
01:49:07.540
a fun place where we can talk about, you know, joke about race.
01:49:10.800
Like, growing up, dude, I remember if you said the N-word, that's how, if somebody beat
01:49:14.720
your ass, that's how you knew if you could say it or not.
01:49:19.440
Yeah, but it was a lot of intent, too, like, not intent, but you could feel the heat behind
01:49:25.160
it, you know, like, I said this on Rogan, but in my neighborhood, you could feel it, it's
01:49:30.180
the same words, like, fuck you, white boy, and then, ah, fuck you, white boy, it's the
01:49:35.440
same words, but it was a way different feeling.
01:49:38.120
Like, if I was on a basketball court and I heard the first one, I was like, I'm out of
01:49:41.580
But I heard the second one, and I'm, get a guy in a headlock and noogie him, you know?
01:49:52.500
Dude, it's kind of crazy, you know, growing up, I was like, black people have some of the
01:49:56.580
But now I'm like, dude, some of the, like, you gotta have a unique name, and a lot of it's
01:50:02.360
Yeah, of course, you stand out, but now honkies have gone, like, Gwyneth Paltrow's got a kid
01:50:09.520
They got, like, DaQuante or whatever the fuck, and we got, like, Lighthouse.
01:50:13.360
I think it's Jason Lee's kid is named Lighthouse.
01:50:19.420
If they did Lighthouse for the blind, I would love it.
01:50:23.960
Also, how risky to put a light, you're leading the blind right next to the fuckin' water,
01:50:32.260
Every time I see that ad, I'm like, this is insane, man.
01:50:37.600
Like, blind people, you ever think about, like, they just gotta deal with that.
01:50:43.720
It was one of our, yeah, it was one of our most popular episodes.
01:50:48.180
She said she can relate sometimes to computers because that's how her brain feels.
01:50:52.640
It's like, the more it goes along certain paths and stuff, the more it gets used and
01:50:56.800
gets comfortable in that path and, like, knowing what's going on.
01:51:04.680
And how they can feel how other people are feeling a lot of times.
01:51:10.580
He's got one named Casper, one they call Birdie.
01:51:16.180
Somebody's got a wacky name, like Lighthouse or Light Fixture or Light Beer.
01:51:29.200
You ever take that ferry over there from New Orleans over to the West Bank?
01:51:41.260
Remember, it costed a dollar to get into New Orleans from the West Bank.
01:51:44.680
Every day, my friends would have to pay a buck to get into the city.
01:51:47.680
They got rid of that, but that was weird as a kid.
01:51:55.860
Yeah, and you have to come over there to work, and you also got to pay.
01:51:58.700
The causeway was like that coming from Mandeville.
01:52:02.180
It was a dollar, and then it was a dollar fifty on each side.
01:52:06.200
Then eventually, it was just three dollars one way.
01:52:17.540
For a while, and then Japanese built one longer.
01:52:19.600
I got caught on that bridge about to get murdered.
01:52:23.200
I don't know if you heard about this, but we were stopped on the causeway, because we
01:52:27.860
were getting chased by this guy who was trying to kill us, me and a couple of high school
01:52:32.860
And there was an accident on the causeway, so it was gridlocked, so the car had to park.
01:52:39.560
He was like a big buff guy, and we were like three squirrely Catholic school kids, and
01:52:44.260
he had a knife, and he was slicing the side of the car up.
01:52:47.120
And luckily, the cops at the wreck saw it and tased him and pulled him down and cuffed
01:53:00.060
Because to me, that was a whole other world over there where you lived.
01:53:02.400
I was like, I don't know what goes on in Covington and Mandeville and all that shit.
01:53:09.300
Yeah, it was just kind of suburban, and then it just got a little bit weird the further
01:53:13.440
Well, I went to LSU for a while, and a bunch of guys I lived with were from Mandeville,
01:53:20.580
Like, they could fish and skin a fox and fight and smoke and weed with angel dust.
01:53:32.500
These were like backyard, rough and tumble kind of guys.
01:53:38.800
And I was glad I was friends with them, because they were like tough dudes.
01:53:44.380
Yeah, like they would headbutt a dude, and they'd be wearing polo shirts and a woven
01:53:47.780
belt, and just knock a guy out at a football game.
01:53:57.560
They had knives in their room and shit, you know?
01:54:07.580
They knew how to make a boat out of a log and shit, you know?
01:54:14.740
They could catch a crab with their hand out of the water, and they could pick up a rock
01:54:19.880
They almost had like a little Cherokee in their ass.
01:54:24.620
I think a lot of people have a little bit, and they put a little chunk of mud under their
01:54:27.820
tongue, you know, and tell if you're a Pisces or not.
01:54:31.920
And I came from the city, so I was like, I don't know what the fuck this is, you know?
01:54:40.620
I did, but I lived in a house with four guys, and we had a hot tub and a beer pong table,
01:54:48.180
And eventually, I got into Southeastern, and I finished online.
01:55:00.800
I went over there to a pumpkin carving contest one time.
01:55:04.860
We drove over there to practice for months, dude.
01:55:07.440
And I got over there, and I just got too nervous, and I ate shit.
01:55:12.100
I just did Lafayette, and they were like, Theo was just here.
01:55:20.220
Jason Leonard's got this show, and it's killer.
01:55:28.500
Yeah, I get to tell people I know you all the time.
01:55:33.220
They're always like, oh, yeah, you and Mark Norman, you all are from the same place.
01:55:36.480
You've probably been one of the most requested people that we've had to have on the podcast.
01:55:41.360
I think people expect me, because I'm from New Orleans, to be like, I come in on a gator,
01:55:45.200
and I got a fucking three-cornered hat on and shit, you know?
01:55:51.240
We ate weird food, I guess, and listened to Zydeco.
01:56:05.980
We would do drugs and get drunk and make out and finger girls and eat each other out by
01:56:11.720
And I remember making out with a girl who had cigarette breath, and it was so hot to
01:56:23.560
Dude, I got knocked out on St. Charles by Lee Circle.
01:56:43.780
That's one thing I don't like that happens in Louisiana all the time, bro.
01:56:48.240
That's the kind of shit that I did not like that happened a lot down there.
01:56:52.900
Me and a couple of friends were hanging out, drinking.
01:56:55.120
And these kids, like older kids, a little boy caught a spear.
01:57:04.280
And if you caught one of those, like, oh, shit.
01:57:06.820
And these older kids were like, give me the fucking spear, kid.
01:57:24.360
The other guy squatted behind him like an ottoman.
01:57:32.520
And I remember seeing, I'm laying on the sidewalk, looking at my friend getting smushed by like
01:57:42.080
We had the one black friend who was swinging away.
01:57:47.240
And we were like, all right, well, that was crazy.
01:57:56.560
And she goes, I think that's one of those guys.
01:58:07.880
I mean, not only getting knocked out, but urinating.
01:58:12.860
I guess I got a weak dick stop, piss stopper or something.
01:58:17.980
And I was laying on a guy's lawn, like drooling and pissing on myself, which is pretty embarrassing.
01:58:28.040
I'd rather the guy kill me than have a girlfriend standing there saying, get out of here.
01:58:43.800
I had to like have lunch with my mom the next day.
01:58:54.260
Like, yeah, you get knocked around a couple of times.
01:59:02.220
You can notice when things are just starting to heat up.
01:59:07.440
And I saw, I mean, those fucking Baton Rouge guys were daint.
01:59:19.540
I remember being in a parking lot one time and somebody threw a beer bottle and went right
01:59:34.600
I remember one time we're walking down the street and this big white dude, I think he
01:59:39.520
And he walked past us and it was me and a couple of my buddies.
01:59:43.000
And he goes, oh, he turns around and is like, one of y'all called me the N word?
01:59:56.600
Before we can say anything, bro, he fucking decks one of my buddies, right?
02:00:01.940
They had like a piece of, just a piece of like, it was like a, not a two by four, but
02:00:10.100
Like a really thick dowel rod right there just leaning on this fence.
02:00:15.860
So I just picked it up and just snapped this guy with it.
02:00:32.880
It was like the first time you get to like the super, like the, like the, the boss.
02:00:40.500
I got to play it a few times to get his rhythm.
02:00:45.800
The only girls we even knew that we had any chance with their Mardi Gras pull up and they're
02:00:49.300
like, and for some reason I kind of like falling off to the side of the fight and they're
02:00:53.780
And we're like, I'm like, oh, this guy's beating the shit out of us.
02:01:00.240
The girl goes, okay, well, we're just going to find a place to park.
02:01:07.940
So man, this guy cracked me right in the middle of the head and it was this horrible big red,
02:01:14.400
And I got some ash out of a thing and tried to fake that ash Wednesday thing.
02:01:35.140
You get a rush and you feel alive a little bit.
02:01:41.360
Like we grew up, not grew up, but we evolved fighting.
02:01:57.800
I would have hit him about 40 times for him to go down.
02:02:02.140
Right when I picked it up, I realized it wasn't that strong.
02:02:09.080
It was almost like slapping somebody with a piece of wood.
02:02:12.740
You hit a guy with like a paint stirrer or some shit.
02:02:35.400
The other ones you kind of answered within conversation.
02:02:46.320
We never really got to sit down and chat that much.
02:02:50.540
Like, I have friends who I don't see unless we podcast.
02:02:56.740
What's it like at the cellar these days over there?
02:03:00.500
We're, uh, you know, diverse and like spread out and no one calls anybody on shit, which
02:03:06.620
I think, like I'm all for diversity and I'm all for new people and hanging out and different
02:03:10.940
voices, but it was a, it was a better place when you were more honest.
02:03:15.740
Now it's like, well, this is a gay trans or whatever, so I'm not going to push it.
02:03:21.480
You know, but he might have a hacky joke that I heard before, but I'm like, I don't want
02:03:24.560
to just ruffle any feathers because I don't want to seem like I'm this guy.
02:03:31.920
I thought it was about treating everybody equally, but we're so nervous about stepping
02:03:34.580
on toes and being called phobic or this and that.
02:03:41.800
Like back in the day, Patrice would go, what the fuck is that hat?
02:03:45.000
And you can't do that now because you're like, I don't know if that hat's a fucking garb
02:03:56.480
You got to watch your P's and Q's where before it was like, you just kind of shot from the
02:04:00.180
hip, which I think there's some goodness to that.
02:04:02.960
You know, you don't want a football coach who's going, Hey, everything was great.
02:04:06.840
No, you got a guy going, Hey, you fucked that up.
02:04:11.980
But yeah, so we're missing that part, but it's still a great club.
02:04:20.380
I got, Schumer and Neil Brennan helped me get past there.
02:04:27.780
Even when I went back there last time, like maybe four months ago, I passed through time
02:04:31.700
I just went by to say, Hey, and I was just like so nervous just even getting in there.
02:04:35.220
I mean, the store used to be like that, but the store has kind of gotten more welcoming.
02:04:46.780
I mean, you definitely people, you know, you say Mark Norman, people are like, Oh yeah.
02:04:50.760
Like a couple of years ago, I'd see you and just be like, Oh, I don't know anybody.
02:05:00.480
I got to, I got to learn to just sit here alone.
02:05:03.720
But you know, you know how it is when you're, you're different, you want to fucking cling
02:05:09.880
It's like the things that we, it's like so easily, like if, you know, like say like
02:05:15.040
a missile hit, it would be interesting to see how quick people got into like, what would
02:05:19.060
make attract people to different people and get into certain groups and clicks, you know?
02:05:23.600
I always say like, remember world war three was about to happen, you know, but Trump,
02:05:32.940
I'm like, it's not that bad if you're checking your retweets, you know, if you're checking
02:05:39.180
We all pretend like we're living in this crisis time and everything's going to on fire around
02:05:43.940
us, you know, but if you're going, here's my Trump joke, how's that doing?
02:05:48.780
If your house is on fire, you're not tweeting shit.
02:05:52.300
So that's how you kind of know if things are really bad.
02:05:56.020
And then of course it turned into nothing and nobody cared 10 minutes later.
02:05:59.480
But yeah, I feel like that's a good point because people are going to, my dad used to
02:06:05.900
People are black versus white, rich versus poor, men versus women.
02:06:08.400
We need a war to bring us all together, which is not a great mentality, but I've seen
02:06:15.060
Like we used to hate the Nazis and we hated the Russians and you know, you got to have some
02:06:18.640
kind of bonding factor, which we don't really have anymore.
02:06:35.640
Dude, we should do a showdown in New Orleans together.
02:06:39.820
We could sell out the Mahalia or, I don't know.
02:06:48.220
My dad's kid from his first marriage bought that place.
02:06:54.240
He used to own that bar right there on your shirt.
02:07:03.780
He accidentally got shot, but he was like 68 or 70, I think he died a couple months ago.
02:07:11.220
It was crazy because we didn't have anything, and we had this old dad, and he had this other
02:07:18.960
And they owned Tipitina's, and they owned all this nice stuff, you know?
02:07:21.760
So could you come into town and get kind of wined and dined?
02:07:36.520
I want to see disco biscuits tonight, you know?
02:08:01.680
Dude, first of all, Cowboy Mouth, they can't play everything, dude.
02:08:17.960
They opened up a restaurant in the North Shore of Mandeville called Mandy's Restaurant.
02:08:25.900
And then they had, what was the, oh, the brass band.
02:08:33.660
About 10 years ago or 12 years ago, they really got on a national level.
02:08:37.980
They played on all the football games and stuff.
02:09:03.760
And they all had dance, certain dance moves with it and shit.
02:09:22.160
One of them was on Tom Segura's podcast recently.
02:09:39.440
They were good, but they were always shooting toilet paper at the end.
02:09:43.820
And I think that's a point where people didn't take them as seriously.
02:09:49.280
Yeah, they were a great, like, I remember they'd come over to the North Shore and play and people
02:09:55.400
Yeah, I saw him at a frat party and I was like, how'd you get them?
02:10:06.680
I don't think he was from there, but he blew up there.
02:10:08.900
I want to be my y'all's a boo because I got high.
02:10:13.420
He was so drunk on a stage, he vomited in his hat and just threw it off the back of the
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I saw him live once and he had all these other songs and everybody was kind of like, all
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Then he played I Got High and everybody was like, yeah.
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And then he went back to the other one and we're like, all right, let's get out of here.
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And one thing I loved about being around Louisiana, especially in New Orleans, was just going to
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Sometimes I'll break an oyster out of the fridge just to see what her vibe is.
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I love them, but I think you got to grow up with them.
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We're throwing shells in the hole in the table.
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Somebody's fat uncle came over and he's in a boot.
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Or Throza Parks, which is my nickname for Cam Newton.
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I think his hair is going, and I think he's a cool dude, and he's great for the city,
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I mean, he completed 73% of his passes last year.
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You know, if he came down to New Orleans in a convertible and just waved, I mean, the
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fucking buildings would shut down, and people would jump out of windows.
02:12:38.780
Scott Fajita, who was a football player for the Saints, brought him out to the comedy show
02:12:45.280
He might have been on stage, too, and then Scott afterwards.
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One of the worst long 22 comedians in the lineup.
02:13:08.760
And they brought, and then afterwards, Scott said, oh, hey, this is the new quarterback.
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By the way, it's gotta suck to be Scott Fajita, because everybody's going, Fajita?
02:13:42.780
It's bubbling and crackling, and it's got the smoke.
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Yeah, I used to think it was a Mexican birthday cake when they brought it out.
02:14:13.480
And all weekend, and I'm doing the road, and I'm finally selling tickets for the love of Allah.
02:14:22.940
And I've got my own podcast called Tuesdays with Stories.
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I'm all over the road this year, so check that website.
02:14:35.120
So yeah, so just don't drive behind him is what he's saying.
02:14:40.840
But I'm on a moped, so you'll probably kill me before I kill you.
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So you name it, I'm coming, Chicago, Utah, Royal Oak, all the good ones.
02:15:01.940
Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
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Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
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I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking
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Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories
02:15:44.380
Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you
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Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll
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be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to
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And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
02:16:36.640
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
02:17:00.940
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
02:17:05.260
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
02:17:09.200
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,
02:17:15.280
And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.