This Past Weekend with Theo Von - San Fran Sleepwalkers ｜ This Past Weekend #101

00:00:00.000 What's up, guys? Upcoming dates, I'll be at Cherokee Casino this coming weekend in West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma, and that's already sold out.

00:00:08.720 Then I'll be at Yuck Yucks in Calgary, June 15th and 16th, Canada.

00:00:12.580 June 23rd, Timbler Brewing, Bakersfield.

00:00:15.440 June 29th, the Paramount Theater, and that's in rural Stark County, Illinois.

00:00:21.940 June 6th through 8th, in Oxnard, California, at Levity Live.

00:00:25.640 July 20th through 22nd, Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh.

00:00:30.040 August 16th through the 18th, the Laugh Factory in Chicago.

00:00:34.000 September 14th and 15th, Zaney's in Nashville.

00:00:37.280 Just added Toronto, the Just for Laughs Festival.

00:00:41.020 September 27th through the 30th, you have to buy the pass, and then you have to choose me as one of your artists.

00:00:47.780 I would appreciate any support we can get there.

00:00:50.320 After that, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin, and Buffalo, New York.

00:00:53.180 I'll give you those dates soon, but they're on the website.

00:00:56.760 All tickets at Theovan.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.

00:01:02.920 Do you have a cold sore, or let's be frank with each other.

00:01:06.480 Do you have herpes, or herpes, herps?

00:01:09.860 Well, it's much more common than you think.

00:01:12.080 People have it.

00:01:13.600 Who has it?

00:01:14.580 People.

00:01:15.860 Animals might have it.

00:01:16.740 I don't know if animals, you know, if they get down like we do.

00:01:19.920 But it is treatable.

00:01:21.060 Many people don't realize that for the treatment to be effective, you've got to start taking medication within the first 12 hours of experiencing symptoms.

00:01:30.080 Well, they've got a new thing out there, and it's called HerpAlert.

00:01:33.860 And HerpAlert is the first telehealth application that offers diagnosis and treatment for the herpes simplex virus.

00:01:43.380 That's right.

00:01:43.940 It's 100% secure, confidential, and encrypted.

00:01:46.660 It's HerpAlert.

00:01:48.080 It connects patients with physicians to address their cold, sore, and herpes needs.

00:01:53.180 Here's how it works.

00:01:54.100 You complete an online questionnaire, upload pictures, select your pharmacy, and pay a one-time fee.

00:02:01.120 That's right.

00:02:01.660 Go to HerpAlert.com.

00:02:03.660 H-E-R-P-Alert.com.

00:02:06.660 All right.

00:02:10.180 Let's see what we can do here.

00:02:11.660 All right.

00:02:21.800 I know that's a little bit of a dark tune right there, but that is the Spencer Jacob Grimes.

00:02:51.780 And that is their song, Celebrate.

00:02:55.940 And Spencer gave us that song to use right when the podcast started.

00:03:01.140 And I want to thank everybody for the support.

00:03:04.500 You know, we've been doing, people have been listening and tuning in.

00:03:08.160 I'm coming to you live.

00:03:09.040 If this sounds weird or this is, you know, sounds different than usual, I am.

00:03:14.340 Dude, I got this ramshackle set up here at this hotel in San Francisco.

00:03:19.660 I'm here this weekend, and I've been performing at ClusterFest.

00:03:24.120 And ClusterFest, speaking of cluster, that sounds like something you might want to get checked out on HerpAlert.

00:03:29.780 But HerpAlert is a real thing.

00:03:31.340 If you got to get that, you know, if you find you got a lot of use looking splotchy,

00:03:35.980 or your cousin all of a sudden looks like a leopard, he's got that leopard neck,

00:03:39.460 because he's been out, you know, test driving locals with his tongue and, you know,

00:03:45.800 putting things in his mouth and being wild and being frisky and letting the springtime fever just tempt him

00:03:54.880 and tempt him to be naughty or her to be naughty, because everybody can get it.

00:04:00.320 If you're getting that splotchy-otchy, then you can go on a HerpAlert and check it out.

00:04:04.960 And you can get it diagnosed.

00:04:06.280 I'm not going to know.

00:04:07.260 Nobody's going to know that's between you and your doctor.

00:04:10.080 But sometimes you get that itch.

00:04:11.160 You're like, what is that?

00:04:12.740 You know, I got a group of moles that showed up.

00:04:15.640 That seems extensive.

00:04:17.500 But that could be HerpAlert.

00:04:18.960 That could be Herp.

00:04:19.900 That Herpa, Herpa, Herp.

00:04:23.200 They had a dude who lived by me growing up named Herbie.

00:04:26.920 And when you think about Herbie, it's about as close to Herpie as you can get.

00:04:30.880 But, and Herbie, this dude, I remember he wanted to be tall so bad.

00:04:36.840 And he couldn't be tall because God didn't want him to be tall.

00:04:40.140 And whoever, you know, his grandparents or whatever, whoever, you know, did sex and made him, they were small. 0.99

00:04:48.540 And when small people fuck, let's be honest, it's not, there's nothing wrong with it. 0.99

00:04:53.520 But everybody, everybody can fuck no matter, you know, I think as long as you're like three feet tall, you can fuck. 0.99

00:05:00.760 But you're not going to, you don't, the odds of you getting something real long out of small sex are limited. 0.99

00:05:08.120 You know, the odds of that are kind of limited.

00:05:09.940 And then this boy Herp, this boy Herbie always wanted to be taller, but he was just, you know, a basic heighted man.

00:05:17.580 And he would comb his hair up real high and he would wear these tall, tall shoes.

00:05:23.340 And the shoes were probably three inch heels, but they were full, you know, flats.

00:05:28.980 They were three inch flats.

00:05:30.480 And I mean, he, he never looked tall.

00:05:34.020 He looked like a, he looked like a short person stuck between some heels and really combed high hair.

00:05:40.800 That's what he looked like.

00:05:41.740 Somebody that was like, he had bookends, the heels and the hair.

00:05:45.520 And he never made it real tall.

00:05:47.000 And that boy, that man's name was Herbie.

00:05:49.580 And he played with us in the neighborhood sometimes.

00:05:51.580 And he was natural.

00:05:52.460 He didn't do anything wild.

00:05:54.200 Even though sometimes people want to be wild.

00:05:57.280 He didn't do anything like that.

00:05:59.440 But thank you guys for being here with me today.

00:06:03.120 You know, I just got a limited setup out here.

00:06:05.320 And I've been out here in, at Clusterfest in San Francisco.

00:06:11.860 And this city is, man, this is the most diverse place maybe I've ever been outside of San Jose, California.

00:06:19.400 You can't, even if you wanted to be racist, you couldn't, you can't tell what anybody is.

00:06:26.000 You couldn't be racist really if you really wanted to.

00:06:29.140 Because you couldn't narrow, man, you could not narrow it down.

00:06:32.560 You know, if you want to get un-racist, this is a place to come because it's just so, and everybody's gender neutral and gender fluid and double gender. 0.99

00:06:42.920 And, you know, people got, you know, people have, they might have a penis, but they got vaginas tattooed all around their penis. 1.00

00:06:50.280 And they got every, it's, you know, it's a real, I mean, it's, it's full throttle. 0.99

00:06:56.020 It's full throttle up here when it comes to, when it comes to diversity.

00:07:00.600 But thank you guys for tuning in.

00:07:03.780 Man, I had, you know, I had a lot that happened this, this weekend.

00:07:08.360 I want to thank everybody too for, you know, we hit a hundred episodes last week.

00:07:12.460 And I don't know if I want to get into it because the voicemails and stuff, you know, I'm running off of just my own laptop and I don't have my producers here.

00:07:20.640 You know, not that I need my producers to help, but I, I don't want to electrocute myself.

00:07:26.000 Because some of this equipment, it looks pretty randy. 0.99

00:07:29.280 This shit seems pretty, you know, just a little bit randy to me. 0.98

00:07:33.000 So, can you guys hear me better? 0.99

00:07:35.040 Is that better?

00:07:37.940 Sorry.

00:07:39.140 You know, I had, I'll tell you this.

00:07:40.600 Listen to what happened to me last night.

00:07:41.880 So, last night, you know, I'm feeling like I'm feeling.

00:07:46.000 It's late at night.

00:07:47.880 And sometimes at night, for me, my crotch starts to think. 0.85

00:07:53.380 And it starts thinking about, you know, other crotch. 0.97

00:07:57.980 The, you know, the other kind of crotch. 0.90

00:08:00.460 And so, that's kind of happening to me a little bit. 0.58

00:08:02.920 Just natural because I'm here by myself.

00:08:05.000 And, you know, I had a, I had a smoothie and so I tried to drink that. 0.99

00:08:11.400 Because that's not like, you know, a smoothie is not like a vagina, but it's like pouring a vagina down your throat a little bit. 1.00

00:08:17.900 So, I had a smoothie hoping that would take the edge off of my, you know, my, my wiener trying to be, you know, trying to be fancy and trying to look out the window. 1.00

00:08:28.560 So, like I, because I got that kind of dick, I'll be laying in bed and then I'll see my dick over there looking out the blinds. 0.99

00:08:33.660 Like, dang, my dick trying to be around, trying to be around town. 0.99

00:08:39.980 And so, anyhow, I, I was feeling kind of depressed, actually. 0.99

00:08:46.220 And I'll tell you what happened next.

00:08:48.860 I'll tell you what happened next.

00:08:51.200 But first, yeah, I'm feeling kind of depressed.

00:08:53.240 I woke up, fell asleep.

00:08:54.600 I woke up.

00:08:55.060 It's like 3.30 in the morning.

00:08:56.140 And I went down the stairs to smoke a cigarette.

00:09:00.080 And I hadn't been having any cigarettes, man, because I didn't want any.

00:09:03.880 And I hadn't had any for three days.

00:09:07.420 Man, I was feeling so proud of myself.

00:09:09.940 Because that's the hardest thing to do.

00:09:12.660 Dude, I don't care, you know, I know some people have been prisoners of war and stuff like that. 0.99

00:09:16.540 And that shit, I'm sure, I'm sure it's tricky. 0.98

00:09:19.340 You know, being locked up for months or years even and stuff like that. 0.99

00:09:24.080 But also, what is tricky is quitting cigarettes and getting that nicotine just expunged from your body.

00:09:30.660 And I'll do anything, man.

00:09:32.040 You know, I was, I was doing all kinds of stuff to not be around it.

00:09:35.520 I was doing deep breathing, like kind of Lamaze.

00:09:39.260 They almost, you know, if you do like Lamaze, people don't realize this. 0.97

00:09:42.900 It's for pregnant ladies to help them get a baby out of their, you know, their, that front booty, that puss. 1.00

00:09:51.540 But it also will help you if you're having a craving for a cigarette. 0.55

00:09:56.340 You know, Lamaze is powerful.

00:09:57.580 People don't use Lamaze as much as they should. 0.93

00:10:00.180 I mean, you could be in traffic and do some fucking whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, and that, and it will help you. 0.84

00:10:05.600 Lamaze, underestimated. 0.98

00:10:07.700 But anyhow, I wake up 3.30, I went downstairs to have a cigarette.

00:10:11.380 And, and when I left out of my room, out of my hotel room, they had a girl in the hallway bouncing around. 1.00

00:10:18.080 This, some little muppet, this tattooed, you know, I mean, she was like a damn Neanderthal, or Neanderthala, or Thalas, a Neanderthalstress. 1.00

00:10:29.920 She was just bouncing around like a ping pong ball in the hallway. 1.00

00:10:36.440 And I saw her, and I walked by her, and I said, are you okay, ma'am?

00:10:41.900 And she just kind of mumbled something.

00:10:43.820 And then I thought, oh, she might be drunk, but then I also thought she might be sleepwalking.

00:10:48.080 Because people, people do all kinds of stuff in their sleep.

00:10:51.520 People don't realize that.

00:10:53.120 You know, I had an uncle who used to jerk off in his sleep. 0.85

00:10:55.880 And they made him wear these jingle bells on his wrists to shut him down. 0.92

00:11:01.240 You know, and some nights we'd hear him in the other room, you know what I'm saying, dashing through the snow.

00:11:06.280 And that was, and it wasn't even a seasonal thing.

00:11:10.940 And it's kind of scary when you're thinking about, you know, you wake up out of a cold sleep, and you hear jingle bells, and you think it's Christmas.

00:11:17.220 But then it's just, you know, it's somebody in the family, jagging amp, you know, spraying out in their sleep.

00:11:23.600 So it's hard to hold that against him, you know, because it's kind of pedophily behavior to be masturbating and knowing that there's children in the next room. 0.68

00:11:30.840 But if you're doing it in your sleep, then who's to blame there?

00:11:35.380 You know, your subconscious.

00:11:38.380 You know, I mean, that is, that's really second level dark arts there.

00:11:42.400 So anyhow, um, anyhow, I got up, the girl's in the hallway, she was bouncing around, I thought she was maybe just walking and just walking around in her sleep in the hallways.

00:11:53.400 And they say don't wake somebody up if they're sleepwalking or whatever, because they might, I don't know why they say that actually.

00:12:01.600 Yeah, why do they say that?

00:12:02.820 Don't wake them up.

00:12:04.280 You might scare them.

00:12:05.940 Yeah, well, you know what also might scare them? 0.99

00:12:07.760 That they're fucking walking around in the middle of nowhere. 0.99

00:12:11.220 That's scary. 1.00

00:12:12.920 That's kind of the dumbest rule. 0.99

00:12:14.220 Don't wake somebody up if they're walking around in their sleep. 0.99

00:12:17.680 Here's my new rule. 1.00

00:12:18.940 Fucking wake them up and tell them, hey, jackass, shut it down. 0.99

00:12:24.400 Or I will get a damn, um, you know, one of those blow dart guns or whatever they used to, you know, when monkeys get out on television and some man shows up and shoots it and it falls off the power lines. 1.00

00:12:35.180 But it's going to wake up later and be in like a safety cage. 0.99

00:12:37.960 I'll get one of those weapons.

00:12:39.980 Anyhow, I go downstairs.

00:12:42.060 And I have this cigarette.

00:12:44.420 And they got a, you know, San Francisco, this place has mastered the art of homelessness.

00:12:51.220 I mean, they have.

00:12:53.740 And I think part of it is so expensive to live here. 0.99

00:12:57.440 You could be a regular person here with a regular job and you're fucking, you are homeless. 0.99

00:13:02.800 You know, you are sans casa. 0.99

00:13:04.640 So, I go down there.

00:13:06.980 I have my cigarette.

00:13:07.560 I come back up.

00:13:08.600 This girl is walking the same way down the hallway that I am when I'm walking back to my room.

00:13:12.520 It's 4 a.m.

00:13:14.240 She's right up on me.

00:13:15.620 And I said, ma'am, are you okay?

00:13:17.140 She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:13:18.400 She was kind of a bitch, to be honest. 1.00

00:13:21.720 And I'm not saying she was a bitch as a woman. 1.00

00:13:23.600 I'm not calling a woman a bitch. 1.00

00:13:24.860 I'm saying this bitch was acting like one. 1.00

00:13:31.180 And I put my key in the door. 1.00

00:13:34.020 She comes right in my room. 1.00

00:13:35.940 Like, beelines kind of right in like a really fast sleepwalker.

00:13:39.000 Like somebody that's sleep running now.

00:13:41.080 Like running in their sleep, bruh.

00:13:42.760 Like the nocturnal Carl Lewis, you know. 1.00

00:13:44.960 What the fuck? 1.00

00:13:45.540 That's dangerous. 1.00

00:13:46.680 But, you know, they say you're still not supposed to wake them up because, you know, you might scare them.

00:13:53.060 So, and she doesn't have shoes on. 1.00

00:13:55.980 And she wasn't homeless looking.

00:13:57.520 And this lady looked, you know, she was a bit of kind of a frumpkin. 1.00

00:14:01.640 You know, she was that. 0.81

00:14:03.260 She looked kind of like a little bit of a marshmallow meatball. 1.00

00:14:09.720 And she rolls in. 1.00

00:14:10.820 She had a couple tats and shit. 1.00

00:14:12.920 She gets straight into my bed and lays down. 1.00

00:14:16.440 Puts the covers on her. 0.99

00:14:18.180 And I'm like, damn, this nismich is Goldilocksing. 0.99

00:14:23.540 She's out here Goldilocksing, man. 0.99

00:14:25.480 So, I get alarmed, right?

00:14:27.260 Because this is, dude, this is Me Too Central here.

00:14:29.620 This is San Francisco. 0.98

00:14:31.220 They're waiting for some dude to jerk off off of a balcony or something. 0.98

00:14:34.240 It lands on a lady's shoulder. 0.89

00:14:36.040 Next thing you know, she's suing. 1.00

00:14:37.960 So, it's, you know, everybody's busted up around here.

00:14:40.060 Everybody's upset and fired up and looking to, you know, they're hanging libidos from every street lamp.

00:14:46.240 Male libidos. 0.75

00:14:47.200 So, I prop my door open now because I don't want my door closed.

00:14:51.860 I don't want there to be any, you know, miscommunication.

00:14:55.500 I don't know this woman. 0.92

00:14:57.300 She's laying in my bed.

00:14:59.720 So, I said, ma'am.

00:15:01.080 And I'm saying, ma'am, because I don't want there to be any. 1.00

00:15:04.060 If somebody overhears something, I don't want anybody hearing girl or anything that sounds wild. 0.99

00:15:10.900 Anything that's going to get daddy locked up or get my dick or nuts locked up. 0.99

00:15:15.160 So, I start saying, you got to go. 1.00

00:15:16.800 You got to go.

00:15:17.940 And she looks up and she's like, don't be mean.

00:15:22.460 And then lays back down.

00:15:24.620 Don't be mean.

00:15:26.160 I'm not being mean.

00:15:27.300 This is my room.

00:15:29.460 You know?

00:15:30.220 You're squatting.

00:15:32.040 So, she keeps being mean. 0.77

00:15:33.400 She keeps saying stuff.

00:15:34.900 And I'm like, you need to go.

00:15:36.100 She's like, pah. 0.98

00:15:38.120 Pah.

00:15:40.200 Pah.

00:15:40.880 You know?

00:15:41.460 Like, I'm not good.

00:15:42.140 Like, pah. 0.53

00:15:42.920 Like, leave me alone.

00:15:44.360 So, I'm thinking, well, man, I'm going to call the front desk.

00:15:48.300 And here's the thing.

00:15:50.420 Like, but if I call the front desk, then I'm thinking they come upstairs.

00:15:53.820 Are they going to believe just me?

00:15:56.040 Are they going to believe some man that there's a girl in his room he doesn't know who she is?

00:16:01.060 What if she wakes up and says, I did something?

00:16:04.360 That's all she has to do is wake up and say, he did, he tried.

00:16:09.080 And then I'm in trouble.

00:16:11.480 Man, I was like, I was scared.

00:16:13.220 And then I was going to make a video.

00:16:15.120 And I'm like, but then I'm thinking, well, if I put this video up, what if she doesn't like the video?

00:16:19.140 You know, what if she sees it?

00:16:20.220 She gets upset at it.

00:16:21.700 Then she could accuse me of something just to make herself feel better.

00:16:26.460 So, finally, I went over there and shook them.

00:16:28.240 I know you're not supposed to wake these people up if they're sleepwalking. 0.99

00:16:31.420 But I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:16:32.780 At this point, this lady is sleep trespassing. 1.00

00:16:35.660 You know, she's, I don't even know who she's working for. 0.98

00:16:37.520 If she's working for, you know, the devil.

00:16:39.760 I don't know what she's doing. 0.68

00:16:41.420 You know, she has narcolepsy. 1.00

00:16:44.360 When I was in junior high, we had a, this, a librarian.

00:16:50.620 And he was a beautiful kind of mixed gentleman.

00:16:52.900 He said he was French.

00:16:54.020 And he might have been. 0.99

00:16:54.740 Who fucking knows, dude. 0.99

00:16:55.700 Nobody listened to the librarian. 0.99

00:16:57.760 But he, this man, Pierre Fabre.

00:17:00.660 And Pierre Fabre would fall asleep.

00:17:03.480 And he would, like, be teaching us about the dewy dance.

00:17:06.680 And he'd fall asleep with his mouth open.

00:17:11.660 And he looked like a little sugar donut.

00:17:14.600 You know, he was, you know, he had that beautiful French color.

00:17:17.920 Kind of a, you know, a beige.

00:17:20.400 And I said, you know, I'm all about beige power. 0.88

00:17:22.100 He had that beige, that beige tint.

00:17:24.000 You know, that black and white kind of, that Ronda Jamb.

00:17:27.220 That mix going on side of him.

00:17:29.580 And he would just, he would be like, oh, you guys need to read.

00:17:35.300 And he would fall asleep with his mouth open.

00:17:37.880 So then us kids, we would try to shoot spitballs into his mouth while he was asleep.

00:17:43.480 Anyhow, finally, I get this girl up.

00:17:45.880 And I walk her out.

00:17:47.560 I tell her she has to leave.

00:17:49.640 I kind of walk her out into the hallway.

00:17:50.900 Close the door.

00:17:51.560 And she's gone.

00:17:53.000 And I lay down.

00:17:55.400 Say a little prayer.

00:17:56.160 Because I don't want to get in any trouble.

00:17:57.540 And I didn't do anything.

00:18:00.080 And then, like, 30 seconds later, I hear her arguing with somebody.

00:18:06.920 Like, two doors over.

00:18:08.080 I'm sure she just went to the next door and tried to get in there. 1.00

00:18:11.640 But I'm guessing, she didn't have any shoes on. 0.97

00:18:13.400 And she didn't have dirty feet. 0.96

00:18:14.620 So I'm thinking that she probably, if I had to guess, she was sleeping in a room.

00:18:20.760 She got up to urinate. 1.00

00:18:22.960 And that's normal or natural.

00:18:24.580 You should never feel ashamed about that.

00:18:25.980 And then she got stuck.

00:18:27.240 Like, she went out the door of the hotel room, into the hall, instead of going to the bathroom.

00:18:32.580 And then she got lost and confused.

00:18:36.260 But, man, that had me, you know.

00:18:37.500 So, first of all, if I was a straight pervert, dude, I could have, you know.

00:18:43.420 There were some guys that would have acted out, you know, that would have ruffled them feathers, that would have tried to fight that goose.

00:18:50.200 You feel me?

00:18:50.780 So, I was thankful at that moment that I wasn't just a straight pervert or a straight, you know.

00:18:57.960 I was just, because you don't know sometimes until you get in a position.

00:19:01.420 Let's be honest.

00:19:03.060 You don't, I can tell you right now, I would never do this.

00:19:06.980 I would never do that.

00:19:07.940 I would never do that.

00:19:09.100 But you don't know.

00:19:11.340 You say you don't steal.

00:19:12.900 But what if there's a million dollars suddenly just sitting somewhere next to you?

00:19:16.220 You know, it's like you just don't know sometimes what you're going to do until you're there. 0.97

00:19:21.400 But I was glad that I didn't have that dark artist inside of me that sponged, you know, that flared up and popped, you know, popped cock or something and went at this girl or tried to, you know, even just touch a titty or something like that. 0.98

00:19:34.900 And she, you know, she was kind of, she didn't really take care of herself. 0.99

00:19:39.880 Like, I don't mind, you know, some strong, I don't mind some gristle.

00:19:44.540 But she had that just, she was real floppy disk.

00:19:48.540 And I like a little bit more of a hard drive.

00:19:50.980 I don't mind that gristle.

00:19:52.600 You know, I don't mind that, you know, I don't mind, you know, these skinny gals sometimes like making love to a can of pickup sticks. 1.00

00:20:01.140 You know, it's like kind of putting your penis in a pillowcase full of deer antlers. 0.99

00:20:06.440 You know, I like a girl that's got a little bit of that, you know, a little harumph to her. 1.00

00:20:10.440 So that was something wild that happened.

00:20:14.920 What else?

00:20:15.480 Outside of that, I just had kind of a crazy weekend here, man.

00:20:18.220 I had a couple of sets.

00:20:19.180 I got to open up for Jim Jeffries and that was magical with him and Forrest Shaw, who's one of the writers on the Jim Jeffries show.

00:20:26.180 And I got to work with them.

00:20:27.280 And there's 5,000 people in this venue.

00:20:29.540 And so, man, you walk out and, dude, it feels, what did it feel like?

00:20:36.580 And it felt, I didn't feel special, you know, because I feel a responsibility.

00:20:43.540 I feel, you know, my responsibility is to entertain, is to make these people feel some kind of joy or make them laugh or make them, you know, make them feel something good.

00:20:52.060 But so I felt, you know, here's what I felt.

00:20:57.620 I didn't feel super nervous, so I felt like I could do my job.

00:21:01.460 And so then I felt, I felt grateful, I felt good.

00:21:06.100 I felt good that, man, I'm so glad I don't feel nervous right now so that I can do my job well.

00:21:11.840 Because, you know, seven years ago or something, I get a, you know, I do a big theater or get out, I would have been way more nervous.

00:21:18.400 And so it's nice, it's nice to not have that, those nerves just, you know, just, nerves, for me, nerves are like these little bitty reminders all over.

00:21:30.260 Like, it's like these little reminders just hanging off of your, your, your soul and your brain.

00:21:37.380 And they just remind you that maybe you can't.

00:21:41.600 That's what my nerves are like.

00:21:43.840 And that's, I don't like feeling that.

00:21:45.720 Maybe you can't, maybe you can't, maybe you can't.

00:21:49.520 They're like these little, like, just ornaments on my, on my, if my soul was a tree and they were little ornaments.

00:21:55.760 But they're, they're, they're, they're, they're mean ornaments.

00:21:58.960 And they just all just have maybe you can't written on the ornament.

00:22:02.620 And that's what it feels like a lot of times when I get nerves.

00:22:04.880 But I was happy to not have them.

00:22:07.500 Then, fast forward, I did a show outside.

00:22:10.020 And I won't do this again.

00:22:11.420 Dude, it was outside.

00:22:13.920 It's in front of, like, the Capitol or something in San Francisco.

00:22:17.100 I don't know.

00:22:18.060 And I had to go first.

00:22:20.000 And I told my manager, I don't, I don't do well going first.

00:22:24.320 Because the first person has to warm the crowd up.

00:22:28.560 And I, I'm, that's not my strong suit.

00:22:31.660 You know, some things people are good at.

00:22:33.200 Like, if you play baseball, you might, you know, some people are good at, uh, uh, batting.

00:22:40.260 Some people are good at second base pitcher.

00:22:42.660 Some people are good at outfield.

00:22:44.160 Some, some people are good at coaching.

00:22:47.800 Some people are good at just standing off to the side of third base, scratching their crotch when other people run by.

00:22:54.440 But, one thing that I'm not good at is, um, one thing I'm not good at is, uh, starting out the show.

00:23:03.680 Because, it's like, you gotta get everybody warmed up and excited.

00:23:07.620 I'm more of a little bit more, I feel like a relief pitcher. 0.94

00:23:10.780 I'm not a close, I'm a close, I'll fucking close. 0.77

00:23:14.100 But, I'm just, I can't work that first inning. 0.81

00:23:16.800 I don't do it very well.

00:23:17.900 And, man, I had to get out there and, dude, it was, it's like 9,000 people and they were not feeling me.

00:23:27.400 And, it was just one of those sets.

00:23:29.180 Sometimes you have a set and it ain't, man, it just, dude, it's like, it's almost like your, your brain wants to leave so bad.

00:23:44.820 It's almost really gone.

00:23:46.800 But, your body is still out there.

00:23:48.960 You almost feel like a mime. 0.51

00:23:50.900 Because, you're still doing all this stuff, getting no reaction from 9,000 people.

00:24:00.940 I heard, or this might have been my imagination, but I thought I could hear somebody sneeze about 200 yards away.

00:24:08.400 That's how bad I felt like it was going.

00:24:10.200 And, you know, people had warned me, they're like, look, you can't hear laughter outside, you know, especially in these environments because it just goes up into the air.

00:24:18.340 There's nothing to keep things around.

00:24:19.680 But, man, I felt, I felt just shattered.

00:24:25.120 And, that's kind of this business.

00:24:26.600 It's like, you can have a high and then a low.

00:24:29.180 I mean, I was coming off the high of being in this theater.

00:24:31.740 There's 5,000 people in there and everybody had fun.

00:24:34.200 I had fun and they were, you know, it's almost as if I was talking to one person and I was feeling that joy.

00:24:40.160 And, then you get up there and that joy just, you know, just like two, you know, two MS-13ers show up and just treat that joy like a dog.

00:24:49.580 Then, the worst part for me, I got off stage and they had like this, there's nobody back there suddenly when I got off stage.

00:24:56.520 When I got on, a bunch of people were back there mingling, people having cocktails, you know, somebody got a new dress.

00:25:03.440 You know, people are chatting, everything.

00:25:06.960 And, then I get off and nobody, suddenly nobody's back there.

00:25:10.980 It looked like all the real estate was like for lease suddenly.

00:25:14.280 Oh, and then I'm standing by myself and do you ever see one of those, you ever see one of those little whirling dervish things, those little, you ever see like a little wind tunnel start up?

00:25:26.000 Like in the middle and like you'll just be walking down the street and suddenly a bunch of trash will start hanging out with each other in a circle.

00:25:31.180 Like it's a big gangbang for like trash and dirt. 0.96

00:25:35.240 Like it's all just fucking real fast in the air before anybody catches it. 0.92

00:25:38.580 Suddenly, one of those kicked up right on me, like around my feet and around, like I was pigpen from, like I was, like I was pigpen from that show.

00:25:53.140 So, that, that was, that was just, so then anybody that looked over, not only could you tell I was dejected, but then I have this magical little dirtnado rolling around my feet.

00:26:06.000 Oh, so it was a trying, it was just a trying time.

00:26:14.160 But, we had some special voicemails that were set up too.

00:26:18.660 Spring is here, we had some voicemails that were set up just to be, you know, to show some gratitude that people have sent in about the 100th episode.

00:26:26.140 But, I'm not, I'm not in the studio, so I don't know if I'm going to play a bunch of those.

00:26:29.560 I'm going to try to play a few voicemails and hit some callers that came in.

00:26:33.120 But, this episode is going to be a little bit ad-libbed, and sometimes that's how it is, man.

00:26:38.900 What else is going on?

00:26:40.200 Oh, I got some good news.

00:26:44.160 So, Ridge Wallet, they're one of our sponsors, and if you never, if you don't have a Ridge Wallet, man, you should get one, they're dope.

00:26:49.840 And, it's a pricey item, I'm not going to lie to you, that's a pricey item they got, you know.

00:26:55.080 And, it's at RidgeWallet.com, slash Theo.

00:26:59.880 And, but they, it's like a front pocket wallet.

00:27:02.900 So, especially like here in San Fran, I notice if you have a wallet in the back of your pocket, one of your butt cheeks is kind of up in the air a little bit.

00:27:09.080 And, if you sit down like that, I notice when I have that big butt wallet, that a lot, sometimes a lot of men will think that I am trying to be, you know, get extremely natural with them, or, you know, get extremely fancy, or, you know, sensual.

00:27:25.920 Because, you're sitting at like a, you know, you're kind of propped up a little bit, and you got that, you know, one of your, everything, like one of your tits is a little higher than the other one, one of your shoulders is a little higher. 1.00

00:27:37.920 Because, you know, you got that, that regular wallet under your butt. 0.95

00:27:41.620 And, I notice that a lot of men will be like, oh, who's that little, you know, who's that little prudent little flamingo over there? 0.98

00:27:49.900 But, it's like, it's like, nah, nah, buckaroo, you know, I'm trying to just, I'm, you know, I'm vulva only for daddy.

00:28:00.040 But, but they don't see that because you propped up, because one of your butt cheeks is higher than the other, and it gives you that flair. 1.00

00:28:06.400 And, a lot of men will take that flair as like a flirt action. 0.93

00:28:10.240 So, the, the Ridge wallet is, you put it in your front pocket.

00:28:14.060 But, we got a really dope thing, Ridge wallet has said that, you know, everybody knows, you know, we've been supportive of this young gentleman,

00:28:19.900 named Mickey, he just got them new, them new, them new duffels.

00:28:25.520 He got them new lungs in his body.

00:28:27.840 And, the lungs he inherited actually came from a drug addict, a man that was on crack cocaine.

00:28:33.580 Probably a man here in San Francisco, statistically speaking.

00:28:37.880 Dude, it is, it was sunny this week, but also this weekend, it was also probably a 70% chance of crack outside.

00:28:44.680 And, but Ridge has said that they want to bring Mickey down, and they want to take him and me skydiving together.

00:28:53.640 So, he doesn't even know it yet.

00:28:55.280 He may hear this episode and learn about that, but I thought that that was pretty magical, that they reached out and did that.

00:29:01.560 So, we're grateful to them.

00:29:03.480 And, and that, so that's something that's going to happen.

00:29:05.780 We're going to have, that'll happen.

00:29:06.940 We'll put it out on, we'll put that out on regular YouTube.

00:29:09.400 I was going to say we'll put it on Patreon, but that's a real thing.

00:29:11.680 You know, I don't know if Mickey can take them crack lungs up in the atmosphere.

00:29:15.920 You know, I don't want to find a new addiction.

00:29:18.480 Because that's another thing I'm worried about for trick lung Mickey is that if he has lungs that were addicted to crack, okay?

00:29:24.160 And that man died, but those lungs are still alive.

00:29:27.220 You know, them crack sacks.

00:29:28.940 And if now, if Mickey has them, you're telling me he might not start smoking crack someday?

00:29:35.840 That's kind of wild to think.

00:29:38.260 It's really, really kind of wild to think.

00:29:40.020 You know, in the future, you know, who knows what happens in the future?

00:29:44.920 I thought about this the other day.

00:29:46.060 Wouldn't it be cool if you had a pair of pants, right?

00:29:48.340 And if you urinated in them, the, the, the pants were just like one color, like white.

00:29:53.540 But when you urinated in them, the, the urine, the moisture revealed a design in the pants.

00:29:59.400 So instead of people being like, dang boy, you know, Sherman pissed his, uh, pissed his knickers. 0.97

00:30:07.000 Instead, they'd be like, damn, Sherman got them, uh, them Picasso pants. 0.98

00:30:13.720 Or it makes like a, you know, a cool style. 0.98

00:30:16.540 So you could piss your pants, but suddenly, you know, you got these, maybe a pine trees or something that show up on them.

00:30:23.400 Um, so that way it would, you know, it would diffuse because, you know, we don't do it much as adults. 0.99

00:30:30.040 When you're young and you urinate yourself, that shit's just, it's just one clump of urine in the front. 0.95

00:30:34.720 It would be neat if they had a pant that could prevent that and, um, you know, create art at the same time. 0.99

00:30:41.240 But, yeah, anyway, my mind's all over the place, man.

00:30:44.620 It's just, you know, I'm out of my element.

00:30:45.720 I'm in here, I'm caged up in the corner.

00:30:47.460 I can't even tell if this audio's working good. 0.99

00:30:49.400 This shit may all be blown out. 0.99

00:30:51.280 But sometimes this is how it is. 1.00

00:30:52.760 You're out here on the road.

00:30:55.240 You know, and I was a little intimidated this weekend, man.

00:30:57.480 I've never really performed in San Francisco.

00:31:01.500 And, you know, sometimes I just get intimidated.

00:31:04.660 Like, this place is, you know, has that vibe of being super liberal.

00:31:11.240 And I'm, you know, I feel like I fall all around in the middle or I don't know where I fall. 0.89

00:31:17.600 You know, I'm just trying to fucking be realistic about things.

00:31:20.500 But, you know, I just get, there were certainly some moments where I was nervous about doing some of my material. 0.94

00:31:26.900 And, um, and that's wild.

00:31:29.640 It's wild to think that because you can't, you know, in some places you can't be sarcastic,

00:31:34.180 especially in a big environment.

00:31:35.620 When the environment's smaller, then you could, sarcasm,

00:31:39.500 you could do sarcasm any time because people can get it.

00:31:44.260 But when people are, you know, 600 yards away sitting there listening to you,

00:31:50.240 oh, that sarcasm at home just doesn't play.

00:31:54.360 But I had another set tonight.

00:31:55.820 I got to work with Burt Kreischer, and that was magical.

00:31:58.580 And, um, you know, I noticed this as a comedian, you never have two bad sets in a row.

00:32:02.640 So, uh, and I believe that.

00:32:05.480 You never have two bad sets in a row.

00:32:07.280 And I knew after that second set didn't go to my liking.

00:32:10.180 I was like, I know I'll have a good one next time.

00:32:12.420 And, uh, and thankfully I did.

00:32:14.720 Um, let's check it.

00:32:15.600 We'll try some voicemails here, man.

00:32:17.000 Let's see what we can do.

00:32:18.460 Um, it is, it's almost summer, really.

00:32:21.560 It's June.

00:32:23.340 It's June.

00:32:24.540 Let's hear this.

00:32:25.380 Hey, what's up, Theo?

00:32:26.420 This is Eric from Baton Rouge.

00:32:27.920 What's up, Eric from Baton Rouge down there in the red stick.

00:32:31.920 And my brother, uh, lives down there and he has three children down there.

00:32:35.760 And they're all his children and his wife's.

00:32:38.580 Let's hear it.

00:32:39.400 Louisiana and, um, it's June 1st.

00:32:42.320 And I just saw a June bug.

00:32:44.440 So just wanted to comment on the punctuality of the insect community.

00:32:50.260 Oh, thank you for that call, Eric.

00:32:51.680 You know, and I'll say this, Eric.

00:32:53.800 You think Mother Nature's not going to be on time?

00:32:56.280 Yeah, it's June.

00:32:57.900 You saw a June bug.

00:33:00.480 Dude, that's Mother Nature. 1.00

00:33:03.880 Whatever clock we have, this wallet, this Timex or whatever, this iPhone, 0.99

00:33:09.700 that shit is, that don't matter. 0.99

00:33:13.100 Mother Nature's got the clock. 1.00

00:33:15.920 She's the one with the, but she knows when this is all going to end.

00:33:19.740 Mother Nature has that clock. 0.51

00:33:21.920 So she, she might send out a June bug or a December Viper. 0.99

00:33:25.480 Whatever, that bitch has got these animals on time. 1.00

00:33:30.240 I mean, she's the real Barnum and Bailey. 0.99

00:33:32.960 You know, people want to talk about feminism and, you know, female empowerment. 1.00

00:33:37.860 Could, could there be any greater powers in the world than the feminine wiles? 1.00

00:33:46.600 Mother Nature.

00:33:47.720 They don't say Daniel Nature.

00:33:52.180 They don't say Richard Nature.

00:33:54.400 They don't say La Veltris Nature or Ying Sun.

00:34:00.040 Mother Nature.

00:34:01.360 It's a woman.

00:34:02.980 And she's cracking that whip, dude. 1.00

00:34:04.800 Only a woman could keep all this so organized. 1.00

00:34:09.060 All the gardening of the universe.

00:34:12.220 Pushing the waves up and down, up and down.

00:34:15.840 Doing volcanoes.

00:34:18.880 I mean, that's, who else would do a volcano?

00:34:21.620 No.

00:34:22.580 Besides maybe Kim Jong-yan.

00:34:24.980 Kim Jong-yam?

00:34:27.660 Kim Jong-kin.

00:34:30.340 No. 1.00

00:34:31.460 You know who the fuck I'm talking about? 0.99

00:34:33.020 La. 1.00

00:34:34.100 Little Korea. 0.93

00:34:35.540 That little Korean, you know, that little dude. 1.00

00:34:38.800 He looks like a, he looks like a pizza chef kind of buddy from Korea.

00:34:42.620 Uh, he, he, yeah, he would maybe do volcanoes outside of that Mother Nature.

00:34:48.820 But yeah, she's sending June bugs, man. 0.99

00:34:50.560 She'll do whatever.

00:34:51.500 The bison, she's got them ready to rock when they need to run across the Serengeti.

00:34:55.520 She knows that 90 of them are going to get hit by lions.

00:34:58.500 She knows what's up.

00:35:00.160 Mother Nature ain't playing games. 1.00

00:35:03.060 So I'm not surprised, man, but I appreciate that call.

00:35:05.800 Let's take, uh, let's get another one here. 0.93

00:35:07.980 We'll, we'll rock in and out of a few calls, man, if this appears to be working.

00:35:10.840 Uh, thank you guys for joining us, uh, this week.

00:35:13.640 We'll get back to a regular episode.

00:35:14.680 We might do it on Thursday, a full episode.

00:35:17.160 Instead of have a guest, we might do, we'll do something.

00:35:20.840 I do want to celebrate a little bit more of the fact that we made it through a hundred episodes.

00:35:26.460 Dude, I remember there were nights I was doing this and I did not want to, honestly.

00:35:31.820 You know, night, there would be nights where, you know, especially when I first started,

00:35:34.860 I was real heavy into, you know, and a lot of y'all know this, into the dark arts and

00:35:38.880 into doing, you know, self-pleasure and self-skeet, you know, and just skeeting out and pleasure

00:35:44.600 in myself.

00:35:45.900 And I remember one day I had just, just abused myself really to exhaustion sensually, you

00:35:52.800 know, looking at just, you know, different types of lab he is and everything on the internet

00:35:57.860 and, you know, I was just caught up and I just, you know, my body, there was nothing

00:36:03.980 coming out.

00:36:04.520 There was like a, even a zero percent chance of any coom really flying out of my body. 1.00

00:36:09.640 And I'm not trying to be vulgar, but I am trying to be honest with you right now.

00:36:13.440 And I would still, you know, have to put the, you know, I'd still put the podcast up and

00:36:18.300 that was crazy.

00:36:19.160 You know, just, just not wanting to, but still put setting the cameras up and getting

00:36:25.980 it set up and getting the audio.

00:36:28.180 And, um, and then the editing dude, in the beginning, we didn't have it set up where you

00:36:33.200 could play a voicemail or a song and have it all be in the same audio track.

00:36:38.320 So we had to take the separate audio tracks and lay them all in and sync them up, man.

00:36:44.200 I remember it being noon the next day, I'd been up all night and I wasn't even doing

00:36:50.420 cocaine anymore.

00:36:51.320 So I was up all night on just, you know, just on the Lord's cocaine, just air, oxygen

00:36:57.220 and, and having to just get that thing up.

00:37:02.320 I remember being in Illinois last year and I had to drive to somebody's yard, get close

00:37:11.780 enough to their house and steal their internet because it was middle of nowhere and use their

00:37:16.420 internet to upload at five megabytes per second or something.

00:37:20.760 You know, that lady came out in the morning. 1.00

00:37:22.180 She's all fucking pissed trying to get me to leave. 1.00

00:37:24.140 I said, I can't leave for 11 minutes. 0.99

00:37:29.400 I said, I've been uploading this thing for two and a half hours.

00:37:32.980 And if I pull off even six feet away from your house right now, this thing's, it's going

00:37:38.020 to stop and I'm going to have to start over.

00:37:39.340 Man, just, you know, a lot of different times.

00:37:43.740 But the, you know, what the beauty in this has been for me is just that you guys showed

00:37:49.320 up and that I had to get it up and that we, we did it.

00:37:53.160 You know, that's my favorite pronoun a lot of times is we, you know, sometimes people will

00:37:58.140 be like, oh man, are you coming to, when are you coming to perform?

00:38:00.160 And I'll be like, oh, we are coming at this time.

00:38:02.880 I use we a lot.

00:38:05.000 Somebody like, what'd you do this weekend?

00:38:06.140 And I'll be like, oh, we went to, cause I don't like to feel alone.

00:38:09.760 I think, you know, I'd rather just somebody assume that I'm not alone and maybe, maybe

00:38:16.920 I'm, I'd rather me assume that I'm not.

00:38:21.780 I think the same by saying we, a lot makes me feel that way.

00:38:24.840 But yeah, man, I'm trying, and I'm trying to think of some of the other times, but I do

00:38:30.840 feel a little out of my element here in this hotel.

00:38:34.520 So, but yeah, a lot of times we put this thing up.

00:38:38.860 One camera, I did an episode in a car one night just by the light of the little, the light

00:38:44.380 in the front.

00:38:44.960 Oh, we have some cool guests coming up.

00:38:48.940 Dr. Drew is going to come in, just locked him down to come in.

00:38:53.920 So that Chris Ryan episode was really interesting.

00:38:56.840 I thought, you know, I want to talk to him more.

00:38:59.300 We just talked really about, you know, one of the things I felt like we talked about was,

00:39:04.640 you know, if you, if you want to be in a more open sexual environment.

00:39:12.620 But I would love to hear his thoughts more on, you know, what it's like, because a lot

00:39:17.160 of people, that's not what they, that's not going to help them.

00:39:21.200 You know, a lot of people, that's not fitting for their life.

00:39:24.640 You know, I was talking to my brother and he was saying that, you know, there's something

00:39:30.420 special when you have a connection with somebody and you come home.

00:39:35.040 And, you know, when you, both you guys have been, or, you know, have been good to each

00:39:39.940 other and you guys are in a marriage that's connected, that there's, there's nothing like

00:39:44.920 that feeling, you know, of having that person and having that nest, that, you know, even

00:39:51.900 that sensual, that where it all comes together kind of in some of those moments of even just

00:39:56.360 laying next to each other, you know, and there's something, there's a real, as much as there

00:40:01.880 is a bravery for men and women that are open to try open relationships and be able to communicate

00:40:07.780 honestly.

00:40:09.260 There's a bravery and there's something amazing about the stick-to-itiveness of people to say,

00:40:18.100 this is the choice I've made and this is the choice I'm going to make the most of.

00:40:25.720 And I wish we'd have gotten in a little bit more of that.

00:40:27.540 I wanted to pick his brain a little, but I'm still learning how to interview.

00:40:30.140 You know, I'm still learning, you know, how to listen.

00:40:37.260 And, but it's just been great, man.

00:40:39.180 This, this whole experience has just been super.

00:40:41.100 And I'm so excited to be able to reach out to new guests.

00:40:43.540 And if you have a guest that you want on, let us know who they are and let them know.

00:40:48.780 Say, hey, you would be great.

00:40:50.420 Send them a DM, send them a message and say, hey, you would be great on this guy's podcast.

00:40:55.000 You should go on there.

00:40:57.120 Let's take this call here.

00:40:58.200 Theo, what's up, man?

00:40:59.620 It's Chuck.

00:41:00.500 Listen, I just realized I think I may be in a little bit of the dark arts business myself.

00:41:05.220 Oh, big Chucky's out there DA-ing, huh?

00:41:07.340 You sleepwalking?

00:41:08.340 You sleepwalking in motels, huh? 1.00

00:41:10.640 You sleepwalk at a Ramada, somebody will fucking pull out a pistole, bro. 0.99

00:41:15.020 Okay, Hombart. 0.99

00:41:16.840 See, I'm in that taxidermy game.

00:41:19.520 Ooh.

00:41:21.860 Really?

00:41:23.660 Now, that might be a dark art.

00:41:25.540 Boy, you hiding cotton in the bodies of animals? 0.94

00:41:31.900 Dang, though, you making stuffed animals out of real animals?

00:41:36.380 Dude, the reason why we came out with stuffed animals is because we didn't want people like you doing all of that.

00:41:43.140 That's crazy to me, man.

00:41:45.700 Think about that.

00:41:46.700 You know, think about this, though.

00:41:51.040 What if they started doing taxidermy for people?

00:41:54.480 You know, you could have your grandfather just have both of his arms up in the air, and you could make him in like a coat rack.

00:41:59.720 Put his tongue coming out of his mouth.

00:42:01.240 You could hang your hat right there.

00:42:03.200 Two coats on him, or maybe six coats if he's a strong grandparent, if he, you know, still didn't have much osteoporosis.

00:42:08.700 And you could have him just right by the door, just all taxidermied up.

00:42:13.780 You know, don't forget your jacket.

00:42:16.160 Pop Pop has it.

00:42:17.800 Let's hear more.

00:42:18.680 Thanks for calling, Chuck.

00:42:19.840 You know where, like, people go out and find an animal that's not quite ready to be dead, but they make it dead and then bring it to me in hopes that I can make it look alive again.

00:42:31.860 Ooh, I didn't think about that.

00:42:34.900 Because I bet that's starting to happen.

00:42:36.880 There's so many people that are, I think it's wonderful to be an animal lover.

00:42:43.100 And because if you can love an animal, it just shows, I mean, that's just practice for loving humans.

00:42:47.660 And that's a beautiful thing.

00:42:49.520 I mean, you know, there's so many creatures out there.

00:42:52.400 You know, and Mother Nature knows what she's doing with all of them.

00:42:55.600 And even a June bug, you know, probably have feelings.

00:42:59.020 You know, and it probably has feelings all year around.

00:43:02.060 But to think that there's probably people that are starting to overly love animals, like, to the point where I think it's not healthy.

00:43:11.080 I think there are animal addicts.

00:43:13.100 And I could see, now that you mentioned this, Chuck, I could see someone wanting to keep an animal in its prime.

00:43:21.700 And so then they exterminate their animal, their own loved animal, just to have a taxidermy to keep it how they want it.

00:43:31.040 And that's, I mean, that is, I mean, that's real, that's pretty much sorcery.

00:43:38.080 When you look at that, that is, that's probably grade A sorcery.

00:43:43.660 More, Chuck?

00:43:45.200 And sometimes people just bring delicious animals that they've eaten, and they want them to look like they did before they were eaten.

00:43:52.460 And so it's just a lot of different reasons.

00:43:55.480 What?

00:43:57.340 Wait, hold on.

00:43:58.200 People bring delicious animals that they've eaten, and they want it to look like, oh, oh.

00:44:03.360 So you're saying maybe somebody get that Thanksgiving turkey, you know, that prized bird, that prized seasonal partridge.

00:44:11.360 And they eat it, but then they want it to look like they didn't eat it?

00:44:16.680 That's a new diet.

00:44:18.080 More?

00:44:18.300 But I just got to thinking about it, and I'm afraid that the taxidermy might be in a dark heart.

00:44:24.560 It's not that I'm getting out, but it's definitely borderline at least.

00:44:30.620 Oh, well, I mean, you're definitely perverse.

00:44:33.900 It's definitely perverse. 0.56

00:44:35.760 If you're stuffing cotton or textiles into the deceased body of an animal, dude, that's Slytherin.

00:44:43.620 There's no, man, you ain't Gryffindor, Daddy.

00:44:45.880 That's Slytherin.

00:44:46.720 And if you can sleep at night, then that's very interesting to me.

00:44:54.180 All right, let's take another call here.

00:44:55.940 Here we go.

00:44:56.660 Onward.

00:44:58.420 What's up, Theo?

00:44:59.480 This is Rico, and I'm a driver out there delivering to restaurants.

00:45:03.780 What's up, Rico?

00:45:04.720 Thank you for being a driver, and thank you for delivering to restaurants, man.

00:45:07.840 You know, my mother delivers newspapers, and she delivers different items to them.

00:45:11.860 When I was young, she used to deliver cookies.

00:45:14.600 They had a company called Vortman, V-O-R-T-M-A-N, and she would get these huge cases of cookies.

00:45:22.520 I mean, one of them boxes probably had 400 cookies.

00:45:27.500 Ginger snaps, and you could smell. 0.99

00:45:29.380 I was a kid, so you could smell that fucking ginger. 0.99

00:45:33.220 Dude, and I know she would have all these boxes. 1.00

00:45:35.600 She had this Volkswagen Rabbit, and my mother would have that thing stacked to the fucking brim. 1.00

00:45:41.220 Boy, about 600 pounds of sweet rounds in that thing of cookies. 0.99

00:45:48.500 And, man, I would get it.

00:45:49.540 Sometimes I would sneak her keys out of her purse, and I would go in there at night in that car,

00:45:54.880 and I would open the door, and I would lay on top of all those cookies, man.

00:46:00.260 And I would just sleep right there on top of those cookies.

00:46:04.140 And, man, there was nothing more wonderful for me than that.

00:46:11.400 I mean, it was just imagine the smell.

00:46:13.500 At that point, I'm laying on top of, no joke,

00:46:15.740 probably 2,500 individual cookies all grouped together in boxes.

00:46:23.840 I mean, that's like an army of cookies, 1.00

00:46:27.400 and I could just smell them all, man, coming into my body and coming into my fucking system. 1.00

00:46:33.080 And this is before I started. 1.00

00:46:34.040 I'm glad I wasn't masturbating or anything at that point 0.57

00:46:37.100 because you're going to tell me, you're telling me that you wouldn't. 0.95

00:46:42.600 But you're laying in a bed of 2,500 sweet treats,

00:46:49.620 and you ain't going to just make your own frosting?

00:46:52.740 Yeah, man.

00:46:54.420 Yeah, man.

00:46:56.580 Let's hear more.

00:46:57.720 Anyway, I just got a suggestion for you, bro.

00:47:00.740 You know, I'm a recovering drug addict.

00:47:05.040 Oh, man, well, I appreciate you calling, and congratulations.

00:47:07.280 You're in recovery.

00:47:08.140 That's a brave thing.

00:47:09.300 You know, one thing about being here in San Francisco, it is,

00:47:14.320 I mean, you walk down the street.

00:47:15.320 I saw two people shooting up here, shooting up.

00:47:19.040 And in Los Angeles, you can see that by skid row and stuff like that,

00:47:21.820 but I'd never seen that just out in the wild, you know, in normal areas.

00:47:25.700 You know, like you're looking in a window, and they got a gap or something,

00:47:28.140 and then you look over, and they got a dude putting a needle into one of his gaps.

00:47:31.840 So it's definitely different here.

00:47:37.280 So congratulations on being a recovering drug addict.

00:47:40.260 Oh, this reminds me really quick.

00:47:41.680 Let's listen to your call, and then I'll go into my story.

00:47:44.000 Onward.

00:47:44.260 I actually read this book by Russell Brand, the comedian, called Recovery,

00:47:50.000 and I think maybe you could see if you could have him on as a guest,

00:47:54.420 and you could interview him.

00:47:55.880 He was on Joe Rogan's podcast, and it was a real good interview,

00:48:00.100 but they didn't really talk too much about the drug addiction stuff.

00:48:04.480 Excuse me.

00:48:05.640 And, yeah, just check it out, see what can happen, and keep it up, man,

00:48:09.600 even if you can't get them or whatever.

00:48:11.720 Just a suggestion, bro.

00:48:13.180 So I appreciate the suggestion there, Rico.

00:48:15.700 Thank you.

00:48:16.240 Thank you for calling in, man, and best of luck to you in your recovery, dude.

00:48:18.940 That's brave of you.

00:48:20.340 That's brave, man, and you're doing brave stuff for yourself, and that's inspiring.

00:48:25.300 I remember this.

00:48:26.100 It reminded me of the first time I ever came to San Francisco.

00:48:29.280 And I came here.

00:48:31.100 I was working as a tour manager for a musician, and I came here,

00:48:34.680 and we got into town.

00:48:37.980 We got into the hotel, and next thing you know, we go outside, and it's dark out.

00:48:42.260 It's late.

00:48:43.180 And we were in an area where there wasn't a lot of food opportunities.

00:48:46.120 There wasn't a lot of places where you could really satiate your stomach

00:48:48.540 and fill your body with food.

00:48:51.140 And I walked outside, and they had a homeless guy.

00:48:56.540 I don't know if he was homeless, but he definitely –

00:48:59.480 it looked like if he had a home that he hadn't been there in maybe two or three years.

00:49:03.780 So at least a dude that had lost his keys and his address.

00:49:08.740 And he – and I was like, what is that guy doing?

00:49:12.460 He was looking at – this was in Gap.

00:49:14.400 That store Gap was really popular, and they had models in the windows.

00:49:18.500 And a picture of a beautiful brunette girl, kind of Rubenesque a little bit,

00:49:22.740 you know, a little, you know, natural-looking, regular lady. 1.00

00:49:26.740 And – but she was very beautiful.

00:49:28.140 She had freckled skin, and she had red hair. 0.95

00:49:30.880 And I like red hair.

00:49:32.160 And I like other colors, too, but I also – I do like red hair.

00:49:34.860 And because that's the fire, you know what I'm saying? 0.97

00:49:38.500 When you got fucking straight fire coming out of your body via your hair, 0.99

00:49:42.800 whoo, whoo, yang, yang. 0.99

00:49:47.180 So – but this man, he ran across the street.

00:49:50.360 They had a plug-in, an outdoor plug-in.

00:49:52.280 He had a radio, like a plug-in radio where you find a radio station, transistor radio.

00:49:58.500 He runs across the street, plugs it in, and he tunes it, and he put it on Nora Jones.

00:50:04.380 This was a musician that was popular.

00:50:06.900 And she had a song called, Come Away With Me.

00:50:10.460 Then this man ran across the street back to the Gap ad.

00:50:14.660 Now, with Nora Jones just filling this street up, and there was nobody else around.

00:50:18.520 It was a – it was just a dead area.

00:50:20.700 It was like an area where people, I guess, would shop a lot during the day.

00:50:24.580 So at night, those areas are generally pretty dead because that's more of a commercial district. 0.99

00:50:29.040 And this man started masturbating and touching himself outdoors and touching his own body and touching his dick outdoors. 0.99

00:50:38.360 And it – you know, it made me feel like, wow, like even – even at the lowest – you know, 0.99

00:50:47.920 and I don't want to say the lowest levels of humanity, but even at a very visceral level of humanity,

00:50:56.180 like being homeless or having been not home in a long time and being dirty and being – that there was still some romance in this man. 0.85

00:51:06.300 There was still – you know, he wasn't just going to jerk off to this woman he didn't know in the window. 0.69

00:51:11.660 You know, he had chosen to put on some music and make it a moment. 0.53

00:51:21.520 And that was just – I don't know.

00:51:24.100 I don't know what that did to me in the rest of my life or what it continues to do

00:51:26.960 or how that will come into play in my future.

00:51:29.140 But it was very interesting to see that even at such a – you know,

00:51:33.960 what we would consider a low level of existence that that man had chosen to make a moment.

00:51:39.760 You know, and I guess we can do that.

00:51:43.040 No matter how tough things are, you know, if we can do a – make that little extra step,

00:51:47.740 you know, we can maybe take ourselves out of – out of the exactness of what something is. 0.84

00:51:55.000 You know, because this man was just jerking off outside of a gap, outside of business hours.

00:51:59.940 But when he put the music on, it filled the streets, and this woman's voice was beautiful,

00:52:03.600 and you didn't – I didn't – I don't know. 0.99

00:52:07.080 It was almost like a ballet, you know, like a ballet with a dick in it. 0.99

00:52:14.400 Kind of – I don't – I'm out of my mind, dude. 0.98

00:52:16.480 It's been a crazy weekend.

00:52:18.160 Anyway, let's hear more.

00:52:19.660 Thank you for calling about that recommendation.

00:52:21.520 Now, there's a good example.

00:52:23.100 Go tell Russell Brand to come on this podcast.

00:52:25.920 And I'll tell him, too.

00:52:26.960 I will ask him.

00:52:28.780 Let's take another call here.

00:52:30.040 Here we go.

00:52:30.460 Theo, it's Jay, again, in Denver.

00:52:34.300 How you doing, man?

00:52:35.920 Thanks for calling, Jay, in Denver.

00:52:38.520 And what did I just see in Denver?

00:52:39.920 Oh, they had a man who worked for the FBI.

00:52:43.040 He was dancing at a party, did a backflip.

00:52:45.080 His gun flew out of his belt and landed on the ground.

00:52:49.400 When he picked it up, he accidentally shot somebody in the crowd.

00:52:52.820 So, there you go.

00:52:55.000 Let's hear more. 0.99

00:52:55.880 Are you killing it, as always?

00:52:57.560 Because, of course, I'm still supporting Theo Vaughn.

00:53:00.800 It was such an honor to be on the show, man.

00:53:02.540 It was great to talk to you in that way.

00:53:05.280 And, of course, I called back to talk about Roseanne.

00:53:08.580 But I want your perspective, man.

00:53:11.080 I know you're planning to talk on it, if you haven't already.

00:53:13.480 But in the spirit of the Theo, I think the best thing that could come of this is if Roseanne and Valerie Jarrett talk to each other, maybe for the people, for the people to see.

00:53:24.160 I appreciate you asking what my thoughts are on it.

00:53:27.860 And if you guys have thoughts on it, you don't want to know my thoughts on something, you're always welcome to call and ask me.

00:53:32.040 And you can hit the hotline for any questions or any issues you have, 985-664-9503.

00:53:39.360 You know what?

00:53:40.100 I love that idea.

00:53:42.160 Because in that idea, you're going to get, you know, we're in this time where nobody wants the full, nobody wants to know why people do something anymore.

00:53:50.780 But I believe that people do want to know.

00:53:54.400 I believe that, I don't think that Twitter is a great source for anything.

00:53:59.300 Twitter is just, I mean, Twitter is like, it's like junior, it's like middle school. 0.99

00:54:06.260 But I think that on the Roseanne topic, I mean, first of all, Roseanne is from a different, you know, she's going to say edgy, wild shit. 0.99

00:54:16.200 She's Roseanne. 0.99

00:54:18.120 Who do you think she is? 1.00

00:54:20.780 You think she's not Roseanne?

00:54:22.740 You think she's Dakota Fanning? 0.99

00:54:26.260 You think she's Debbie Schultz Wasserman? 0.83

00:54:30.720 Or you think she's Busta Rhymes? 0.99

00:54:33.960 No, she's Roseanne Barr. 0.95

00:54:36.480 She grabbed her vulva one time and spit during the national anthem. 1.00

00:54:42.880 She is Roseanne.

00:54:44.320 So is somebody surprised that she made, you know, disparaging comments or even racial comments at somebody on Twitter?

00:54:54.720 You know, I think it's wild how we ever, anything that even could be racist now is definitely racist.

00:55:00.440 But it's like, what do you expect out of Roseanne?

00:55:04.540 That's what you're going to get.

00:55:07.160 And it's also, what do you expect when you give a 65 year old or whatever she is, 63 or something, a Twitter account?

00:55:13.940 It's like, that's what you're going to get.

00:55:17.880 So I'm not surprised by it at all.

00:55:21.220 It also seemed like some stuff was going on over there with that show.

00:55:24.600 Maybe people didn't like working there with her or didn't like the environment.

00:55:28.560 You know, I know Whitney Cummings had been working there and then quit the show or, this was a few weeks ago.

00:55:36.480 This was a few weeks before the debacle happened with Roseanne and how she was tweeting and how she gets into the politics of it all. 0.99

00:55:44.360 And it's just, I mean, it is a time where if you have a conservative voice or you're angry at, at, I mean, Hollywood is devoutly liberal.

00:55:54.220 And you can't speak on it.

00:55:56.780 It, you can't, and it's almost better for you really not to get into it.

00:56:04.460 Because these days we are being held, like performers, everyone is being held, it seems like, to, you know, they're being held.

00:56:14.760 Everything you do can affect everything you do.

00:56:18.160 You know, you're being held, your character, your human, your character as a human can affect your character on a show, if you play on a show.

00:56:29.280 And it's, um, it's just a different time.

00:56:34.140 Do I think that that's great?

00:56:35.720 Do I wish we didn't have that?

00:56:36.940 I wish we didn't know what anybody's political views were.

00:56:40.200 You know, I really wish that a lot of times.

00:56:42.540 And I think if you meet somebody in person, then you, a lot of times you don't know.

00:56:47.220 You know, it used to be the thing was a couple things you don't talk about, politics and your sex life.

00:56:52.520 Because, you know, those things would cause controversy and those things would, you know, anger people.

00:56:59.760 Or those things would start arguments.

00:57:02.000 But I do think that the best thing, I don't know if ABC made the best move by canceling the show.

00:57:07.560 Because then everyone is affected by her choice.

00:57:12.020 I mean, that gives her, in a weird way, it gave her a lot of power. 0.93

00:57:15.220 And it gave her a lot of, you know, she made that mistake.

00:57:21.500 She did that. 0.99

00:57:23.380 You know, of course, look, some people say, look, she fucking tweeted what she wants. 1.00

00:57:26.080 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:57:27.000 Yeah, kinda. 1.00

00:57:28.380 She's a comedian. 1.00

00:57:29.620 I can understand if she's running a school.

00:57:33.400 And she says that.

00:57:35.260 But she's a comedian. 1.00

00:57:36.440 She wants to be edgy. 0.99

00:57:37.300 She wants to say something ridiculous. 0.98

00:57:38.840 I'm not surprised by that. 1.00

00:57:40.800 She's a fucking comedian. 1.00

00:57:42.860 She's not a chef. 1.00

00:57:45.220 So, you know, it's weird.

00:57:51.260 It's like, don't let somebody be a comedian anymore.

00:57:54.640 Let's quit calling it comedy.

00:57:56.280 Or, you know, and I don't know.

00:57:58.220 Maybe she wasn't trying to be funny.

00:57:59.460 Maybe she was just being mean.

00:58:01.420 You know, I don't know some of the gist of all of it.

00:58:04.580 But it didn't seem like, you know, she didn't, I don't know.

00:58:09.520 I mean, she didn't use the N-word. 0.99

00:58:10.700 But she definitely, it was just dumb. 1.00

00:58:13.760 It was just dumb by her. 0.99

00:58:14.900 Because she knows. 0.99

00:58:16.820 She knows that.

00:58:18.900 She knows better.

00:58:20.820 And maybe she was on Ambien.

00:58:22.080 Maybe she's 65. 0.73

00:58:23.180 I mean, look, those are real possibilities.

00:58:25.660 But yeah, I would have loved to have seen those two women be able to sit and talk about it. 1.00

00:58:29.660 You know, we have this weird thing where once we can actually learn something from a situation,

00:58:33.780 especially with Hollywood, they shut it down.

00:58:37.440 You know, I've said this before with the 18 kids and counting or whatever at that TV show.

00:58:40.860 Remember that?

00:58:41.900 And they had one of the kids had touched another one's titty.

00:58:45.140 Or kid titty, whatever it's called when you're a kid. 0.78

00:58:47.240 I don't think it's like a, just a kid titty.

00:58:49.580 And then they shut the whole show down.

00:58:53.840 Because some, you know, allegations had come out that when one of the kids was 11 and one

00:58:58.000 of the kids was 15, that one of the kids had touched one of the, one of the, the boy had

00:59:02.400 touched one of the girls. 0.99

00:59:03.380 There's 17 or 18 kids in the house had touched one of them's vagina or titty. 0.99

00:59:07.360 And first of all, I've said this before, but when you have 18 kids in a house, you can't 1.00

00:59:13.320 even reach for the light switch probably without touching somebody's ass. 0.99

00:59:17.660 There's just too many body parts in the environment. 0.99

00:59:22.340 But also I thought, well, this is a great time for us to have a, for people to have a

00:59:26.820 conversation about what happens when you're kids.

00:59:31.240 And if something kind of weird happens at the house, like if, and I could be getting the

00:59:36.500 age is wrong, but I think they were both children.

00:59:38.640 They were both, you know, they weren't adults.

00:59:43.720 So, and look, we've all looked at, I had to, I had some, I had some weird stuff happen

00:59:48.160 when I was a kid.

00:59:50.300 You know, they used to have a man in our neighborhood would give us 20 bucks and he'd 0.96

00:59:53.300 go and spread his ass cheeks about 40 feet away from us and just pay us to look at his 1.00

00:59:57.940 fricking browser hole, you know, just to stare over at that, uh, you know, that little, 0.99

01:00:04.060 that deal he had, you know, and sometimes you play that song, Brown Eyed Girl too, on his

01:00:09.020 car stereo while, while he did it, you know, that was weird.

01:00:14.040 I remember being really young and hugging my sister, like extremely hard and pressing

01:00:20.000 her against my body.

01:00:21.040 Cause I got some sort of, you know, feeling of, of, I don't know if it was sexual.

01:00:27.740 At the time I didn't know it was sexual feelings.

01:00:30.440 I just, I got some different feeling and I wouldn't, you know, doing anything, you know,

01:00:37.000 overtly dirty.

01:00:38.000 But, but it just seemed like it would have been a good, sometimes there's a good time

01:00:44.280 for, for, um, and that same guy was now older on that 18 kids and counting show and he had

01:00:51.540 gotten busted on those adult friend finder, Ashley Brown, whatever that website is called,

01:00:56.400 Ashley Brown, where people log on and try to find, uh, other people's genitalia within

01:01:01.720 like a 25 mile radius or whatever to go over and smell and touch and be around.

01:01:06.780 But, and I thought, well, this is also a great time to find out about adultery and why this

01:01:12.520 man does it.

01:01:13.280 And let's that now more than ever, I wanted to see that show.

01:01:16.900 I'd never seen it, but now I wanted to see it when we can learn.

01:01:22.620 But so many times we shut things down right when it's a great opportunity for us to really

01:01:27.240 actually learn and really share.

01:01:30.800 Cause man, it's like, we're just in such a desperate time to really connect.

01:01:34.680 And, and some of these powers that, that control a lot of stuff, they don't do it.

01:01:43.320 They don't let us do it.

01:01:45.400 I'd love to have a, have a car because we just, we need to have some more conversations.

01:01:50.300 We need to have them because otherwise we're just, we're in this word fight and it's just,

01:01:57.740 I don't know.

01:01:58.480 It's kind of scary, but I appreciate you calling.

01:02:00.280 I don't mean to go off on that guys.

01:02:01.420 I don't want to, you know, if people are tired of hearing about that, then that's just wasting

01:02:04.580 people's listening time.

01:02:06.700 Um, let's take another call.

01:02:08.000 Here we go.

01:02:09.680 Theo, man.

01:02:10.380 Uh, this is Alex from Baltimore, Maryland.

01:02:13.020 Um, dude, I just want to let you know, uh, Baltimore, man, a great place to, uh, join the

01:02:18.320 Navy and also to get onto opiates.

01:02:21.400 I've seen people walking down the street in Baltimore, both eyes closed, walk seven, eight

01:02:26.920 blocks. 1.00

01:02:27.400 And that's, that's brave shit, man. 1.00

01:02:30.880 Onward. 0.99

01:02:31.560 Uh, man, absolutely love your, uh, your comedy.

01:02:34.420 Um, recently found out about your podcast.

01:02:36.740 It's really been helping me get through, uh, kind of a tough time.

01:02:39.880 Um, ended a relationship with, uh, somebody, uh, been together with this girl for about six

01:02:45.600 and a half years.

01:02:46.940 Wow.

01:02:48.740 Oh, that's a commitment, man.

01:02:51.400 That's a marriage.

01:02:52.320 That's two marriages these days. 1.00

01:02:53.980 That's a commitment, man.

01:02:55.240 I'm sorry to hear that more.

01:02:57.000 We're all set to get engaged.

01:02:58.640 And, uh, she, uh, called it off and, um, also involved a, uh, house. 0.74

01:03:03.680 So there's that.

01:03:05.580 Ooh.

01:03:07.500 So you had the marriage.

01:03:08.800 It got, she called it off and that must've been tough on her too.

01:03:11.720 Oh, just that pressure, that last minute.

01:03:15.420 And, uh, let's hear more onward.

01:03:17.760 Um, so yeah, I lost a girlfriend and a house and, um, happened about four months ago.

01:03:23.980 Um, you know, pretty tough time getting through it, but, uh, but man, I've been listening to

01:03:29.400 your, uh, your podcast, you know, just about every day and, um, you know, it cracks me up

01:03:34.340 and it's, it's, you know, nice to hear that, you know, everybody else, you know, everybody's

01:03:39.480 got their struggle.

01:03:40.140 Um, and yeah, I just want to say, I appreciate it.

01:03:42.780 Thank you, Alex.

01:03:44.940 You're welcome.

01:03:45.640 Uh, we're happy that we're here too.

01:03:47.440 Yeah.

01:03:47.720 And people calling and talking about their struggles, man.

01:03:49.900 It's like, that's who we are.

01:03:52.680 I mean, that's who I am for me.

01:03:55.820 I am my struggles, man.

01:03:58.520 I am my struggles because the struggle is when I, the more I see it, like I've never reached

01:04:05.960 a goal in my life and been like, or reached a time in my life and been like, oh man, find

01:04:12.780 finally everything's perfect.

01:04:14.940 Nah, it's the struggles.

01:04:18.560 That's where the, why that's where the, you know, it's when you're, it's when you're in

01:04:24.000 the trenches.

01:04:24.740 It's when you're having to make choices.

01:04:26.880 When you're having to lay there with your eyes open, it's when you're having to show up

01:04:30.240 for yourself is when you're having to tell somebody how you feel, even though it hurts.

01:04:37.060 It's when you have, it's when you, you're on your way home and you get a call from a friend

01:04:41.880 or something and they need something. 1.00

01:04:43.120 You're like, fuck, but you go, you know, it's the, it's the, it's the fucking struggles, 1.00

01:04:50.740 man. 1.00

01:04:50.920 That's who we are.

01:04:53.380 That's who, I mean, that's what, that's where I learn who I am.

01:04:57.260 You know, I don't get to a, you know, it's not like you win a game and yeah, that, it

01:05:05.440 feels good to win, but the, the part that was, it was the moments where you made the plays

01:05:11.580 that felt that, that, that was the, the meat.

01:05:16.480 That, that was the meat, but, uh, you know, I can only imagine how tough that is, but I

01:05:24.820 know there's better things on the horizon for you or different things.

01:05:28.300 You know, you never know, man, that girl might have, she might get hit by lightning and I'm

01:05:31.820 not hoping that for her.

01:05:32.760 She sound like a nice lady, but you never know. 0.98

01:05:36.140 And guess what?

01:05:37.280 Guess what about lightning, dude?

01:05:38.860 It could kill a couple people at once. 0.99

01:05:40.520 So, and maybe that house, maybe that whole fucking thing is burning down. 0.99

01:05:46.180 You know, it's just a, you know, you don't know. 0.99

01:05:48.840 That's another thing, boy, mother nature, boy, when she wants to crack that lightning whip, 1.00

01:05:53.740 you never, you never know who's going to get it.

01:05:55.440 But thanks for calling Alex.

01:05:57.260 Um, let's take a call here.

01:05:58.680 This is a response.

01:05:59.520 We got a couple of responses to, uh, last week's episode.

01:06:02.380 Here we go.

01:06:03.900 Yo, Theo, this is Rio from South Georgia.

01:06:07.540 I'm a mechanic down here.

01:06:08.900 I'm just calling, uh, fill y'all in on what you can do as far as, you know, getting good

01:06:15.740 prices at a shop.

01:06:17.660 Okay.

01:06:17.800 Yeah.

01:06:17.960 We had a call last week and maybe the week before, I think the gentleman's name was Michael.

01:06:21.540 I'm not sure, but about how to get, um, how to get, get treated.

01:06:24.820 He was worried about how to get treated fairly.

01:06:27.080 Uh, this was a gentleman in the military.

01:06:28.560 He's worried about how to get treated fairly by a mechanic.

01:06:30.720 And here we have a mechanic calling in from South Georgia.

01:06:32.980 And I know they got vehicles breaking down over there in South Georgia more. 0.99

01:06:36.560 That shit gets expensive, but what you need to do is you need to find your good shop, 0.99

01:06:43.660 you know, that, and you need to be loyal to them. 0.99

01:06:46.660 You need to make friends with a mechanic there.

01:06:49.460 Having a mechanic as a friend will definitely help you out.

01:06:52.000 You can call him.

01:06:53.060 He'll tell you if the price is right.

01:06:54.320 There you go.

01:06:55.980 And that's kind of a, you know, but that's a simple and that's a straightforward answer

01:06:59.100 is go in there.

01:07:00.300 I think, you know, and, and one thing, like I had mentioned that can, you know, that I

01:07:03.520 suggested that create, could create friendship is just being earnest with them. 0.99

01:07:07.460 Cause you know, if I do fuck, here's the thing. 1.00

01:07:09.660 If you want to fuck me, go on and fuck me. 1.00

01:07:12.460 But if I'm earnest with you and you fuck me, man, I know you don't sleep that strong at 1.00

01:07:19.140 night. 1.00

01:07:19.360 But I know you don't, I know you don't because when I give you that earnestness and I give

01:07:26.140 you that honesty and say, Hey, look, I, you know, I don't know how to do this.

01:07:29.020 And I'm, you know, I have some nerves. 0.97

01:07:30.880 I, when you're vulnerable in that moment and that man fucks you, that's, that hangs on him. 0.99

01:07:36.220 That's a dirty ornament hanging on his inner tree. 0.99

01:07:40.740 And that ornament might even have a jingle bell in it.

01:07:43.460 So we hear that thing flare up and that's his, that's his. 0.66

01:07:49.360 His dirty ornament that he's hanging inside of himself when you show up with that vulnerability.

01:07:54.060 But thank you for calling very much there.

01:07:56.220 Here we go.

01:07:56.920 We got a call that came in for the, the woman from Saudi Arabia had called in. 0.97

01:08:00.980 And I actually took the call onto the Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla podcast the other day.

01:08:05.720 And we, we had it answered on there by Dr. Drew.

01:08:09.160 And we're going to try to package that up and we'll put that out this week.

01:08:12.680 A series of the answer that happened there and the answer that came in on here on this

01:08:17.580 past weekend from Chris Ryan.

01:08:19.780 But here's some suggestions that you guys offered.

01:08:22.360 Here we go.

01:08:23.260 Hi, Theo Vaughn.

01:08:24.220 It is Laura from Philadelphia Garden.

01:08:26.260 And again, I was calling because of the brave woman from Saudi Arabia that called your podcast

01:08:34.120 to talk to you about suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and everything. 0.94

01:08:40.040 First off, I just wanted to say that it kicks ass that she actually asked somebody for help. 0.52

01:08:44.860 I agree with you. 0.92

01:08:46.140 You know, it takes something to do that.

01:08:47.680 It takes something to ask for help.

01:08:49.640 And man, you know, I got to start putting some notes up around my house or my apartment

01:08:53.560 because I don't really actually have a house.

01:08:55.720 But that say, that remind me that, you know, I have to be brave enough to ask for help.

01:09:00.780 You know, because I need it.

01:09:02.560 Let's hear more though.

01:09:04.380 Second, thank you for creating a place where she could call to do that.

01:09:07.920 Third, I had a couple of suggestions for her because I also deal with the same.

01:09:12.520 And it is a lot, very difficult in this world to feel like you actually have a purpose

01:09:17.720 and you're contributing the main way I found to combat that is to think about the things

01:09:35.560 I get to do while I'm here, things that I actually like.

01:09:39.340 And whatever those things are, I try to do them as often as I can because they make you feel good.

01:09:45.580 And that way, if you plan ahead for something that you really enjoy, you always have something

01:09:49.600 to look forward to.

01:09:50.580 So that's one thing that she can do.

01:09:52.580 Another is writing all of that stuff down.

01:09:55.820 Whatever you have going on in your head or whatever you feel like in that moment, if you're

01:10:00.320 upset, if you're sad, if you're happy, it's really good to sit and write those things down

01:10:05.800 on paper because otherwise your brain turns into an echo chamber for the dark arts.

01:10:10.480 That's no bueno.

01:10:10.920 Oh, and that's Spanish at the end.

01:10:13.220 She hit us with that flare at the end, with that viola. 1.00

01:10:16.680 Thank you for that.

01:10:17.440 That's true. 0.79

01:10:18.300 You know, the brain is a dirty echo chamber, isn't it? 0.97

01:10:21.200 Man, my thing, it echoes into my brain. 0.95

01:10:23.560 It'll go down into my heart.

01:10:24.780 It'll come back through.

01:10:25.820 It'll go up and down and just cavernous.

01:10:28.860 Man, I got these caverns in me.

01:10:31.100 Let's hear another suggestion that came in.

01:10:32.740 Thank you for that call, Laura.

01:10:33.660 Let's hear another suggestion for the Saudi Arabia caller.

01:10:36.100 Onward.

01:10:36.340 Hey, Theo, this is Lawrence from Miami.

01:10:39.820 Just listen to the podcast.

01:10:41.080 Love the podcast.

01:10:42.520 Uh-oh, Miami Lawrence, boy.

01:10:45.180 Pa-pa-pa-pa.

01:10:46.480 Hey.

01:10:48.260 Oh, daddy.

01:10:49.900 More.

01:10:52.120 As much as you have me dying laughing all the time when I heard Amy from Saudi Arabia call 0.99

01:10:59.400 in, it just absolutely broke my heart.

01:11:01.800 I read a book a while back that helped change my life.

01:11:05.240 I'm not sure if it'll work for her.

01:11:06.960 It's called The Power of Now.

01:11:08.820 Hopefully, you can recommend this book to her.

01:11:11.840 Hopefully, it'll work for her.

01:11:13.460 And I also just want her to know that down here in Miami, we appreciate her courage for

01:11:19.080 having the strength to call in.

01:11:22.000 And I want her to know that she needs to be good to herself because she definitely deserves it.

01:11:28.360 I love you, man.

01:11:29.600 Oh, thanks for that message, Lawrence.

01:11:32.960 Sorry, Lawrence.

01:11:34.020 Thank you, man.

01:11:34.680 And yeah, you know, it's true.

01:11:37.400 It's, man, we're out here.

01:11:40.060 We're out here.

01:11:41.160 We.

01:11:41.900 We are out here.

01:11:42.820 That's why I say we right there. 0.97

01:11:44.980 Because, man, you know, things, shit can happen when people try to do stuff. 0.98

01:11:49.860 Gang. 0.98

01:11:51.100 And that's a great suggestion.

01:11:52.320 And I hope she hears this.

01:11:53.200 And I know that they're on the hotline.

01:11:54.820 There's a number where the call came from.

01:11:56.620 And we'll make sure that she gets a link to this episode so that she can hear people's

01:12:00.980 suggestions.

01:12:01.420 We're going to package it all up for her with Dr. Drew Penske's advice and also with Dr.

01:12:07.980 Christopher Ryan's suggestions for whenever we played that call for him the other day.

01:12:12.760 Let's get into another call here.

01:12:14.220 This one, let's go.

01:12:15.040 Question for you about, let's say I'm about eight, nine years old.

01:12:18.720 I go to this summer camp.

01:12:21.160 Okay.

01:12:21.760 You're eight or nine.

01:12:22.420 You're at summer camp.

01:12:23.220 Go on.

01:12:23.820 They do a lot of funny, fun activities.

01:12:26.760 One of the activities that a camp counselor put on was a wrestling match.

01:12:33.220 But it wasn't just any wrestling match.

01:12:35.540 It was a bathing suit, soap and water, like real slippery type on like a slip and slide

01:12:42.640 type mat.

01:12:44.100 Okay.

01:12:44.700 Well, that sounds fun.

01:12:45.460 You guys are playing slip and slide and they got soap and water.

01:12:48.760 Wrestling, though.

01:12:49.980 More?

01:12:50.720 Wrestling match.

01:12:51.760 And it wasn't between the kids, but it was mostly between kids trying to take down the

01:12:57.460 camp counselor.

01:12:58.760 This is a big dude. 0.56

01:12:59.980 I'm talking like a bear, big old hairy guy. 0.99

01:13:03.120 Here I am, eight years old, and I'm thinking like WrestleMania, WWE type shit. 0.98

01:13:08.520 So I'm trying to bring them down. 0.97

01:13:09.980 I'm wrestling to the ground.

01:13:11.320 And as a kid, it seemed like a wrestling match.

01:13:13.740 But the older I get, the more I'm starting to think that something funny might have been

01:13:18.220 going on there.

01:13:19.820 What's your opinion on that?

01:13:21.760 Oh, it seemed like y'all got soaped up.

01:13:24.020 I mean, if a man has six or seven soaped up children climbing all over his body. 0.77

01:13:31.280 Yeah, dude, that's, I mean, I would just be grateful you didn't get molested, honestly.

01:13:37.220 You know, because you didn't get molested.

01:13:39.180 You definitely, I think you probably fulfilled some erotic thoughts of his.

01:13:46.300 You know, he's probably just feeling all those, you know, those energetic, soapy, just knee

01:13:51.640 nubs going over his skin and just, you know, just not having, you know, 12, you know, kids

01:13:58.780 legs wrapped around his neck at the same time.

01:14:00.880 I mean, he probably was feeling something wild.

01:14:02.940 But I'm grateful that y'all didn't get molested.

01:14:06.980 That's where I would just keep it right there and just find some gratitude in that.

01:14:10.200 Thank you for calling.

01:14:10.940 Let's go.

01:14:11.960 Here we go.

01:14:13.100 Hi, Theo.

01:14:13.540 My name's Raj.

01:14:14.200 I'm a comic.

01:14:14.860 And I saw that you're looking to have nominations sent in for a single mom to come check out 1.00

01:14:21.060 your show Saturday at Cherokee Casino.

01:14:23.240 Hey, Raj.

01:14:24.140 I certainly am a fellow comedian, Raj.

01:14:27.420 Yes, we are at Cherokee Casino there in West Siloam.

01:14:30.400 We want to do something.

01:14:31.460 We want to get a single mom out. 1.00

01:14:33.500 More?

01:14:34.220 So my nomination is a lady by the name of Kristen Switzer.

01:14:37.740 Ooh, Switzer.

01:14:40.320 She's the office admin at my day job.

01:14:43.200 She works super hard.

01:14:44.100 She has a little daughter and just one of the most positive people I know.

01:14:48.160 She does a ton for her community and does a ton of fundraising for animal shelters and

01:14:52.240 stuff like that.

01:14:53.100 So Kristen is my nomination.

01:14:56.420 Awesome.

01:14:57.020 Well, thank you so much for that.

01:14:58.300 Yeah, man, I'll reach out to you tomorrow and we'll get in touch and see what we can't

01:15:03.600 do for her.

01:15:04.480 You may have already mentioned it to her.

01:15:05.960 If you haven't, don't mention it to her yet.

01:15:08.400 Let's you and I discuss it first.

01:15:09.840 But thank you for calling.

01:15:11.920 And yeah, that's awesome, man.

01:15:13.420 And, you know, it makes me feel, and some people might be wondering why, you know, what

01:15:17.800 our plan is with that.

01:15:19.580 And I think it's just, you know, I remember when I was a kid, you know, I didn't get,

01:15:29.580 actually really, I guess it's more like when I'm an adult.

01:15:32.700 You know, my mother and I have never laughed together.

01:15:36.840 And I don't know why that is.

01:15:42.300 And, uh, and that's okay.

01:15:47.560 At this point in my life, we may not.

01:15:52.060 That's okay.

01:15:54.680 But that still doesn't mean that I don't want to not, I, when I think even in my mother's

01:16:02.360 life, I don't know if she ever has laughed in her life, really.

01:16:05.000 I mean, I know there's some moments where I have seen her laugh, but has she ever just

01:16:10.060 been somewhere and just laughed and, and felt taken care of at the same time?

01:16:17.660 Because there's a different type of laugh you can have when you, when you feel taken

01:16:24.400 care of.

01:16:25.340 You know, when that stress of the, of every moment isn't sitting on your skin, isn't hanging

01:16:34.540 on your tree, you can, there's other, you can feel more intensely and you can be more

01:16:42.140 open to joy.

01:16:43.880 And so I would just love to, I wish I, there was a moment I could remember when I was young

01:16:51.200 that I knew that my mom and one of her friends or something went out to a place and just laughed.

01:16:57.740 She didn't go somewhere and just get wasted and, you know, maybe some man be rude to her or 1.00

01:17:03.880 something like that, or, you know, or she, you know, came home and, you know, was alone

01:17:09.420 and just, you know, back in our apartment, which was sinking in the mud and, you know, and felt

01:17:14.820 depressed or, you know, it'd be nice just to know, cause I don't have that memory.

01:17:20.380 But man, to think that, you know, some higher power gave me a gift to tell jokes, you know,

01:17:32.860 to make people laugh or to make them, to make them feel okay.

01:17:40.200 That's what I want to do.

01:17:42.720 Uh, you know, and I don't even think, man, I know this sounds crazy, but I don't feel like

01:17:49.060 I write a lot of my jokes and stuff.

01:17:51.360 I feel like if I take care of myself that I am, this isn't my doing and I'm not saying

01:18:01.540 it's God, I'm not getting on some hokey level there, but I do feel like I'm a conduit for,

01:18:08.600 for whatever.

01:18:12.800 And if I can take care of myself, then I can best be utilized. 0.98

01:18:16.500 Um, and if my little gift happens to be, look, tons of shit I'm not good at, dude, you know? 0.94

01:18:24.800 But one thing I can do is, you know, uh, I can, if I'm in a good place, I can make people 0.97

01:18:31.960 laugh.

01:18:33.860 And, and if I could, you know, if I knew there was a moment in my life where I remembered,

01:18:38.040 oh, remember when mom went out and my mother honestly didn't even have any friends.

01:18:43.160 Uh, cause I think, you know, she was just, you know, my mother's, man, and I'm not talking

01:18:50.980 ill about my mother.

01:18:51.780 I love my mother and I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for her.

01:18:55.420 And my mother, uh, you know, I know she loves me.

01:19:01.820 Sometimes I wish that she, there were other parts of her heart maybe that could be unlocked

01:19:06.880 more so that she could love to levels that, that I don't know if she knows exist, but that's

01:19:16.300 just my perception.

01:19:17.700 I don't know if that's true for her.

01:19:20.080 She may love me so immensely.

01:19:23.200 Um, but if I could think back and know there was a time where somebody took care of man,

01:19:29.160 just made her feel joy and didn't ask anything in return, you know, that a man, and also to

01:19:36.460 know that a man did that for my mother and didn't leave her with any burden.

01:19:40.680 My mother had to work all the time, dude. 1.00

01:19:43.940 My mother's always worked. 0.96

01:19:48.400 Always.

01:19:49.200 I can't think of a time when even I've asked her to want to do something and just pending

01:19:54.380 work, you know?

01:19:56.940 And maybe sometimes I think I might've gone out and laid in that car just to even be around

01:20:02.560 her for a little bit, even though she wasn't in there.

01:20:05.560 You know, it was a place I knew she was so much running around and driving that car that 0.70

01:20:09.240 if I could just be in there for a little while by myself, you know, maybe it was the smell

01:20:14.820 of my mother, honestly, I don't know.

01:20:18.000 You know, we're, we're such creatures as children.

01:20:21.380 We're such, we're such animals.

01:20:23.960 We're such June bugs, aren't we?

01:20:27.900 But yeah, but that's, so that's our goal.

01:20:30.280 And will we service it?

01:20:31.500 I don't know. 1.00

01:20:31.920 This shit might fucking be ridiculous. 1.00

01:20:34.100 You know, we might have the first mother and her friend go out and they get in a fucking 1.00

01:20:36.960 fist fight in the front row of the show. 0.99

01:20:38.840 Who knows?

01:20:41.160 But, but man, I would love to have that memory that my mother got to go out and not have had

01:20:47.640 to just know that everything was okay and be able to laugh and have some joy.

01:20:53.000 And so that's our goal.

01:20:54.200 And thank you for calling in, Raj, because you're helping right now.

01:20:57.760 Let's hear more.

01:20:59.520 Onward.

01:20:59.880 Yo, it's your girl, Ashlyn.

01:21:03.720 I'm in Osaka, Japan.

01:21:06.520 Oh, hajumimaste. 0.75

01:21:08.440 Hajumimaste. 0.78

01:21:09.560 And that means our friendship begins in Japanese.

01:21:13.040 That's the only thing that I know.

01:21:14.300 Thanks for calling. 0.98

01:21:14.840 Um, I just want to say fucking thank you. 0.96

01:21:20.500 And, uh, I was so happy to see Chris Ryan on your podcast, on your show. 0.97

01:21:26.060 That made me so happy.

01:21:27.840 Oh, that's cool.

01:21:28.920 Yeah, me too.

01:21:29.860 He's an interesting man.

01:21:31.060 I look forward to talking to him more.

01:21:33.800 I want to know what it's like, you know, trying to help people.

01:21:39.000 Um, because it seems like you devote a lot of your energy to answering other people's questions.

01:21:44.840 But I wonder, you know, maybe talking to people like Chris Ryan helps you.

01:21:50.780 Do you feel some kind of, like, deep responsibility, the kind of calls that you get, man?

01:21:57.740 How do you balance that with just a real recognition of your own humanness and faults and...

01:22:06.280 Sorry, an email came in.

01:22:08.080 Let's hear the end of that again.

01:22:09.680 ...real recognition of your own humanness and faults and...

01:22:14.840 ...and it's a lot of responsibility, you know?

01:22:19.480 How do you handle that?

01:22:20.940 You know, it's a good question.

01:22:24.000 And maybe this is a moment where I, you know, need to say, you know, talk about needing help.

01:22:30.060 And we get a lot of calls.

01:22:32.500 Like, I would be lying to you if I tell you we didn't have...

01:22:35.940 If we didn't have 600 calls come in this week.

01:22:41.380 That's a lot.

01:22:42.180 And it's a lot of...

01:22:42.800 And it's some of it's fun stuff.

01:22:43.840 And, look, I haven't even gotten to listen to all of them yet.

01:22:51.480 You know, and I don't know if this is a codependency or something that's in me, but I feel...

01:22:57.840 You know, I just...

01:22:59.720 It makes me sad, like, if people are hurting, you know? 0.92

01:23:05.260 I don't know if that sounds fucking crazy, bro. 0.88

01:23:06.840 And I'm not trying to be, like, a weirdo or anything. 0.96

01:23:11.920 But it just makes me sad.

01:23:14.640 You know?

01:23:15.220 And I think it's easier for me probably to relate to young men that are feeling certain types of ways...

01:23:21.400 ...because I'm a young man.

01:23:23.860 But it just makes me sad.

01:23:27.100 You know, and it makes me...

01:23:30.240 You know, I'm a late bloomer.

01:23:31.840 I've been a late bloomer a lot of things in my life.

01:23:34.580 You know, and a lot of my life I lived in fear.

01:23:36.980 And I feel like I'm starting to get out of that now.

01:23:42.020 And so I'm learning.

01:23:43.700 I'm in a moment...

01:23:44.440 I'm going through a lot of phases in my life where I'm learning a lot about myself.

01:23:48.880 And I'm on...

01:23:49.560 I find myself even being more on a quest to learn.

01:23:52.260 And to learn why I feel.

01:23:53.920 Because for the first time in the past two years, I've started to have feelings.

01:23:57.260 Since I got into sobriety,

01:23:58.660 I just started to have more feelings.

01:24:02.740 Dude, I never had them.

01:24:05.740 So I think I'm addicted to it in a way.

01:24:11.140 But I just want to...

01:24:12.360 You know, I'll try to keep it healthy.

01:24:15.400 And I don't know.

01:24:17.120 This show is just kind of morphed into a place where people can offer suggestions to...

01:24:21.660 ...try and help other people through their experience.

01:24:25.120 And their strength and hope.

01:24:27.260 And I have the idea that, you know, sometimes people can call in.

01:24:31.280 And if they don't feel alone, then that's the first great step.

01:24:35.480 And sometimes that's, you know, that...

01:24:37.480 What can we really do?

01:24:38.960 I don't know.

01:24:40.880 But, you know, sometimes, yeah.

01:24:42.800 I wish there was more ways to help people.

01:24:45.600 But maybe we'll learn more as this show goes on.

01:24:48.000 And we can figure more out.

01:24:49.160 But, I don't know.

01:24:53.640 You know, I just...

01:24:56.540 I'm glad to know that people out there are feeling.

01:25:01.960 I'm glad to know that.

01:25:03.860 It's important.

01:25:04.680 And I think it's the most real thing about ourself.

01:25:08.900 You know, is what are we feeling, man?

01:25:10.780 What's going on? 1.00

01:25:12.560 You know, there's just so much shit out here these days. 1.00

01:25:15.500 It's just so not real. 0.99

01:25:17.740 And our time here is so limited.

01:25:19.480 It's like... 0.99

01:25:20.680 Let's fucking... 1.00

01:25:22.280 Let's... 1.00

01:25:22.700 I don't know.

01:25:23.720 You know, I don't know.

01:25:24.840 I don't know.

01:25:26.060 But I appreciate that call.

01:25:28.020 And Hajimee Maste, our friendship, begins.

01:25:31.200 This thing came in from a dude named Benjamin Dust Bear.

01:25:34.340 Here we go.

01:25:35.680 Hey, this is Benjamin Dust Bear again from Florida.

01:25:40.040 Again, I do not remember you the first time.

01:25:42.740 But that D-Beezy boy, that dank gank, that dust bow. 0.99

01:25:47.340 So, we're doing a little song with D.O.

01:25:49.480 And he's got a song for us.

01:25:50.860 Let's hear it.

01:25:52.140 D.O.

01:25:53.020 The old Vaughn's got the drugs in his mind.

01:25:58.040 The old Vaughn don't even have to do a line.

01:26:03.000 There's a drug in his mind.

01:26:06.300 In his mind.

01:26:08.700 The old Vaughn's got the drugs in his mind.

01:26:13.360 You don't even have to smoke a joint.

01:26:17.700 You don't even have to pop a tab.

01:26:23.260 Because the old Vaughn's got the drugs in his mind.

01:26:28.480 The old Vaughn's got the drugs in his mind.

01:26:35.140 You don't even have to pop a squat.

01:26:39.640 All right, man.

01:26:41.120 The song got out of line there.

01:26:42.320 But I appreciate it.

01:26:43.800 Thanks for calling in there, Benjamin.

01:26:46.340 Yeah, you know, I'm grateful to everybody that's called this week.

01:26:49.120 There are a lot more calls.

01:26:50.780 We'll get into a regular episode.

01:26:52.180 Maybe we'll do like a more regular episode on Thursday instead of having a guest in on that episode.

01:26:57.340 You know, it's just tough for me.

01:26:59.900 And I still have to edit this and put it up here.

01:27:01.880 Because we don't have any producer help here.

01:27:05.800 But thank you guys.

01:27:08.300 You know, thank you.

01:27:09.560 And yeah, I don't know sometimes exactly what we're doing. 0.99

01:27:13.140 You know, fuck, I don't know we're fucking doing anything, dude. 0.99

01:27:15.900 You know? 1.00

01:27:17.100 I mean, but...

01:27:20.540 But we're here.

01:27:25.880 We're here.

01:27:27.700 On earth.

01:27:31.000 You know, and we have a lot of templates in our lives that we have to live by.

01:27:34.380 You know, we have to have jobs.

01:27:36.100 And we have to do this.

01:27:37.460 And we have to eat.

01:27:38.540 And we have to...

01:27:39.980 But we also, we gotta...

01:27:41.580 You know, we gotta...

01:27:43.900 We can do whatever we want.

01:27:47.380 And we can feel. 0.99

01:27:49.880 You know, and I'm trying to feel all the fucking feelings, man. 0.98

01:27:55.020 You know, and I feel like there's... 0.98

01:27:57.320 We can mix, like, humor and feelings.

01:28:00.960 Because for me, the best humor comes out of those moments.

01:28:05.060 You know, it's one thing.

01:28:06.040 I think for me, that happened when my dad was so old growing up.

01:28:09.400 And I know I say that a lot, but...

01:28:11.000 You know, having, like, a man...

01:28:14.040 Watching, like, a 70-year-old man, 75-year-old man chase you around the house with a belt.

01:28:20.840 You know, and I remember my brother and I would hide under my mother's bed.

01:28:25.720 And, and, and we would...

01:28:30.460 And, dude, it would take my dad 30 seconds to get, kneel down onto the floor to swing the belt under the bed at us.

01:28:37.180 And it came by at, like, the slowest belt ever. 0.92

01:28:42.720 But we would scream like it hit us.

01:28:46.820 And we would make, you know, we would...

01:28:49.560 We had to serve, you know, we had to...

01:28:53.720 So it was so funny.

01:28:55.420 My brother and I are laughing so hard at this man that we love, our father.

01:29:01.340 And at the same time, screaming as if we're getting hit to make him and my mother believe that we were getting spanked.

01:29:13.360 You know, and then my mother never, you know, my father was never allowed to sleep in their room.

01:29:19.080 So he slept on the couch every night. 0.96

01:29:22.340 And so there was just all these weird feelings where there was just, like, so much real shit and so much humor going on at the same time. 0.99

01:29:29.100 You know, because we were just goofy kids. 0.98

01:29:34.040 You know.

01:29:34.980 And we would always think my dad wasn't alive.

01:29:38.100 And he was just asleep.

01:29:40.660 But, you know, every time a senior citizen goes to sleep, bro, you got that, you know, you got that 9% chance. 0.51

01:29:47.780 That they're just going to sleepwalk on up to heaven.

01:29:51.400 So I don't know.

01:29:52.140 I live in this weird, you know, I don't know if I live in this weird world.

01:29:54.800 But I think part of that weird world is inside of me where there's some humor and some reality and they're just friends.

01:30:06.900 I don't know.

01:30:07.760 Maybe some of the dark arts are good.

01:30:10.120 But thank you guys so much for getting in touch and for reaching out.

01:30:15.840 The hotline, 985-664-9503.

01:30:19.700 Herp Alert.

01:30:20.420 Remember, if you got that, check it out.

01:30:22.140 H-E-R-P-A-L-E-R-T.com.

01:30:25.040 And you can really just get it solved and get yourself taken care of so that way you don't infect nobody else. 0.97

01:30:30.000 And if you got a baby or you got a, you know, a skinless animal or not skinless, that's the fucking, I bet that taxidermy dude flared up. 0.97

01:30:38.120 That was a slip. 0.99

01:30:40.860 If you have a hairless animal and they want to, you know, they probably could get herpes easy from you if y'all hugging and fucking kind of, you're not kissing but letting them lick on your face and everything. 0.98

01:30:50.060 Some people do that with their animals and that's pretty crazy to me. 0.99

01:30:53.900 But anyway, be good to yourselves.

01:30:57.440 You probably deserve it.

01:30:58.360 Thank you guys for the calls.

01:31:00.000 We made it through this cluster, this cluster fest.

01:31:03.320 I had all the feelings this week, man.

01:31:05.120 The high, the low.

01:31:08.640 I don't know.

01:31:10.740 I don't know. 0.99

01:31:11.860 But man, can you believe fucking Mickey gets to go skydiving? 0.99

01:31:14.760 Dude, I haven't even told him yet. 0.99

01:31:16.580 So I don't know if anybody's even told him.

01:31:18.640 Go to his Instagrams.

01:31:21.000 Tell him if y'all want.

01:31:23.320 But yeah, that was a nice thing and this man Sean from Ridge suggested it.

01:31:27.440 And they want to, they just love that story.

01:31:30.000 And that's crazy.

01:31:30.980 He's got them crack addict airbags in his body.

01:31:33.680 Boy.

01:31:34.880 Next thing you know, Trick Lung Mickey will be out here in the Tenderloin blowing dudes or even blowing ladies out here. 1.00

01:31:43.200 You know, they got all of it.

01:31:44.420 All of it's natural out here.

01:31:45.860 All of it's natural.

01:31:46.700 You guys be good to yourselves, man.

01:31:48.900 You probably deserve it.

01:31:50.020 Celebrate living.

01:32:06.740 Celebrate misery.

01:32:08.740 You know that soon we're going to die. 0.97

01:32:17.860 Let's have some fun while we all die.

01:32:23.880 Celebrate dark days. 0.95

01:32:26.740 Celebrate all your pain.

01:32:30.500 All of your demons exercised. 0.99

01:32:39.040 Let's have some fun while we all die.

01:32:42.800 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club.

01:32:48.180 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:32:55.980 The answer may shock you.

01:32:57.700 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:32:59.780 Sometimes I won't.

01:33:00.620 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:33:04.380 You have three new voice messages.

01:33:07.420 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:33:10.300 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:33:12.980 Longer than anybody else.

01:33:14.640 So great.

01:33:15.960 Hi.

01:33:16.600 Sweetie.

01:33:17.540 Here's a deal. 1.00

01:33:18.940 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:33:22.880 Jermaine. 0.99

01:33:24.260 Hi.

01:33:25.020 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:33:27.780 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:33:29.640 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:33:34.780 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:33:38.920 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:33:43.160 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:33:46.820 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:33:48.940 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - June 04, 2018

San Fran Sleepwalkers ｜ This Past Weekend #101

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