San Fran Sleepwalkers ｜ This Past Weekend #101
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 33 minutes
Words per Minute
173.37358
Summary
In this episode, I talk about herpes, my upcoming tour, and how to get over a cold sore or herpes. I also read a song written and performed by Spencer Jacob Grimes and the Spencer Grimes Band, and talk about the song "Celebrate" by Spencer and the rest of the band.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
What's up, guys? Upcoming dates, I'll be at Cherokee Casino this coming weekend in West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma, and that's already sold out.
00:00:08.720
Then I'll be at Yuck Yucks in Calgary, June 15th and 16th, Canada.
00:00:15.440
June 29th, the Paramount Theater, and that's in rural Stark County, Illinois.
00:00:21.940
June 6th through 8th, in Oxnard, California, at Levity Live.
00:00:25.640
July 20th through 22nd, Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh.
00:00:30.040
August 16th through the 18th, the Laugh Factory in Chicago.
00:00:37.280
Just added Toronto, the Just for Laughs Festival.
00:00:41.020
September 27th through the 30th, you have to buy the pass, and then you have to choose me as one of your artists.
00:00:47.780
I would appreciate any support we can get there.
00:00:50.320
After that, I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin, and Buffalo, New York.
00:00:53.180
I'll give you those dates soon, but they're on the website.
00:00:56.760
All tickets at Theovan.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
00:01:02.920
Do you have a cold sore, or let's be frank with each other.
00:01:16.740
I don't know if animals, you know, if they get down like we do.
00:01:21.060
Many people don't realize that for the treatment to be effective, you've got to start taking medication within the first 12 hours of experiencing symptoms.
00:01:30.080
Well, they've got a new thing out there, and it's called HerpAlert.
00:01:33.860
And HerpAlert is the first telehealth application that offers diagnosis and treatment for the herpes simplex virus.
00:01:48.080
It connects patients with physicians to address their cold, sore, and herpes needs.
00:01:54.100
You complete an online questionnaire, upload pictures, select your pharmacy, and pay a one-time fee.
00:02:21.800
I know that's a little bit of a dark tune right there, but that is the Spencer Jacob Grimes.
00:02:55.940
And Spencer gave us that song to use right when the podcast started.
00:03:04.500
You know, we've been doing, people have been listening and tuning in.
00:03:09.040
If this sounds weird or this is, you know, sounds different than usual, I am.
00:03:14.340
Dude, I got this ramshackle set up here at this hotel in San Francisco.
00:03:19.660
I'm here this weekend, and I've been performing at ClusterFest.
00:03:24.120
And ClusterFest, speaking of cluster, that sounds like something you might want to get checked out on HerpAlert.
00:03:31.340
If you got to get that, you know, if you find you got a lot of use looking splotchy,
00:03:35.980
or your cousin all of a sudden looks like a leopard, he's got that leopard neck,
00:03:39.460
because he's been out, you know, test driving locals with his tongue and, you know,
00:03:45.800
putting things in his mouth and being wild and being frisky and letting the springtime fever just tempt him
00:03:54.880
and tempt him to be naughty or her to be naughty, because everybody can get it.
00:04:00.320
If you're getting that splotchy-otchy, then you can go on a HerpAlert and check it out.
00:04:07.260
Nobody's going to know that's between you and your doctor.
00:04:12.740
You know, I got a group of moles that showed up.
00:04:23.200
They had a dude who lived by me growing up named Herbie.
00:04:26.920
And when you think about Herbie, it's about as close to Herpie as you can get.
00:04:30.880
But, and Herbie, this dude, I remember he wanted to be tall so bad.
00:04:36.840
And he couldn't be tall because God didn't want him to be tall.
00:04:40.140
And whoever, you know, his grandparents or whatever, whoever, you know, did sex and made him, they were small.
00:04:48.540
And when small people fuck, let's be honest, it's not, there's nothing wrong with it.
00:04:53.520
But everybody, everybody can fuck no matter, you know, I think as long as you're like three feet tall, you can fuck.
00:05:00.760
But you're not going to, you don't, the odds of you getting something real long out of small sex are limited.
00:05:08.120
You know, the odds of that are kind of limited.
00:05:09.940
And then this boy Herp, this boy Herbie always wanted to be taller, but he was just, you know, a basic heighted man.
00:05:17.580
And he would comb his hair up real high and he would wear these tall, tall shoes.
00:05:23.340
And the shoes were probably three inch heels, but they were full, you know, flats.
00:05:34.020
He looked like a, he looked like a short person stuck between some heels and really combed high hair.
00:05:41.740
Somebody that was like, he had bookends, the heels and the hair.
00:05:49.580
And he played with us in the neighborhood sometimes.
00:05:59.440
But thank you guys for being here with me today.
00:06:05.320
And I've been out here in, at Clusterfest in San Francisco.
00:06:11.860
And this city is, man, this is the most diverse place maybe I've ever been outside of San Jose, California.
00:06:19.400
You can't, even if you wanted to be racist, you couldn't, you can't tell what anybody is.
00:06:26.000
You couldn't be racist really if you really wanted to.
00:06:29.140
Because you couldn't narrow, man, you could not narrow it down.
00:06:32.560
You know, if you want to get un-racist, this is a place to come because it's just so, and everybody's gender neutral and gender fluid and double gender.
00:06:42.920
And, you know, people got, you know, people have, they might have a penis, but they got vaginas tattooed all around their penis.
00:06:50.280
And they got every, it's, you know, it's a real, I mean, it's, it's full throttle.
00:06:56.020
It's full throttle up here when it comes to, when it comes to diversity.
00:07:03.780
Man, I had, you know, I had a lot that happened this, this weekend.
00:07:08.360
I want to thank everybody too for, you know, we hit a hundred episodes last week.
00:07:12.460
And I don't know if I want to get into it because the voicemails and stuff, you know, I'm running off of just my own laptop and I don't have my producers here.
00:07:20.640
You know, not that I need my producers to help, but I, I don't want to electrocute myself.
00:07:26.000
Because some of this equipment, it looks pretty randy.
00:07:29.280
This shit seems pretty, you know, just a little bit randy to me.
00:07:41.880
So, last night, you know, I'm feeling like I'm feeling.
00:07:47.880
And sometimes at night, for me, my crotch starts to think.
00:07:53.380
And it starts thinking about, you know, other crotch.
00:08:00.460
And so, that's kind of happening to me a little bit.
00:08:05.000
And, you know, I had a, I had a smoothie and so I tried to drink that.
00:08:11.400
Because that's not like, you know, a smoothie is not like a vagina, but it's like pouring a vagina down your throat a little bit.
00:08:17.900
So, I had a smoothie hoping that would take the edge off of my, you know, my, my wiener trying to be, you know, trying to be fancy and trying to look out the window.
00:08:28.560
So, like I, because I got that kind of dick, I'll be laying in bed and then I'll see my dick over there looking out the blinds.
00:08:33.660
Like, dang, my dick trying to be around, trying to be around town.
00:08:39.980
And so, anyhow, I, I was feeling kind of depressed, actually.
00:08:51.200
But first, yeah, I'm feeling kind of depressed.
00:08:56.140
And I went down the stairs to smoke a cigarette.
00:09:00.080
And I hadn't been having any cigarettes, man, because I didn't want any.
00:09:12.660
Dude, I don't care, you know, I know some people have been prisoners of war and stuff like that.
00:09:19.340
You know, being locked up for months or years even and stuff like that.
00:09:24.080
But also, what is tricky is quitting cigarettes and getting that nicotine just expunged from your body.
00:09:32.040
You know, I was, I was doing all kinds of stuff to not be around it.
00:09:35.520
I was doing deep breathing, like kind of Lamaze.
00:09:39.260
They almost, you know, if you do like Lamaze, people don't realize this.
00:09:42.900
It's for pregnant ladies to help them get a baby out of their, you know, their, that front booty, that puss.
00:09:51.540
But it also will help you if you're having a craving for a cigarette.
00:09:57.580
People don't use Lamaze as much as they should.
00:10:00.180
I mean, you could be in traffic and do some fucking whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, and that, and it will help you.
00:10:07.700
But anyhow, I wake up 3.30, I went downstairs to have a cigarette.
00:10:11.380
And, and when I left out of my room, out of my hotel room, they had a girl in the hallway bouncing around.
00:10:18.080
This, some little muppet, this tattooed, you know, I mean, she was like a damn Neanderthal, or Neanderthala, or Thalas, a Neanderthalstress.
00:10:29.920
She was just bouncing around like a ping pong ball in the hallway.
00:10:36.440
And I saw her, and I walked by her, and I said, are you okay, ma'am?
00:10:43.820
And then I thought, oh, she might be drunk, but then I also thought she might be sleepwalking.
00:10:48.080
Because people, people do all kinds of stuff in their sleep.
00:10:53.120
You know, I had an uncle who used to jerk off in his sleep.
00:10:55.880
And they made him wear these jingle bells on his wrists to shut him down.
00:11:01.240
You know, and some nights we'd hear him in the other room, you know what I'm saying, dashing through the snow.
00:11:06.280
And that was, and it wasn't even a seasonal thing.
00:11:10.940
And it's kind of scary when you're thinking about, you know, you wake up out of a cold sleep, and you hear jingle bells, and you think it's Christmas.
00:11:17.220
But then it's just, you know, it's somebody in the family, jagging amp, you know, spraying out in their sleep.
00:11:23.600
So it's hard to hold that against him, you know, because it's kind of pedophily behavior to be masturbating and knowing that there's children in the next room.
00:11:30.840
But if you're doing it in your sleep, then who's to blame there?
00:11:38.380
You know, I mean, that is, that's really second level dark arts there.
00:11:42.400
So anyhow, um, anyhow, I got up, the girl's in the hallway, she was bouncing around, I thought she was maybe just walking and just walking around in her sleep in the hallways.
00:11:53.400
And they say don't wake somebody up if they're sleepwalking or whatever, because they might, I don't know why they say that actually.
00:12:05.940
Yeah, well, you know what also might scare them?
00:12:07.760
That they're fucking walking around in the middle of nowhere.
00:12:14.220
Don't wake somebody up if they're walking around in their sleep.
00:12:18.940
Fucking wake them up and tell them, hey, jackass, shut it down.
00:12:24.400
Or I will get a damn, um, you know, one of those blow dart guns or whatever they used to, you know, when monkeys get out on television and some man shows up and shoots it and it falls off the power lines.
00:12:35.180
But it's going to wake up later and be in like a safety cage.
00:12:44.420
And they got a, you know, San Francisco, this place has mastered the art of homelessness.
00:12:53.740
And I think part of it is so expensive to live here.
00:12:57.440
You could be a regular person here with a regular job and you're fucking, you are homeless.
00:13:08.600
This girl is walking the same way down the hallway that I am when I'm walking back to my room.
00:13:35.940
Like, beelines kind of right in like a really fast sleepwalker.
00:13:46.680
But, you know, they say you're still not supposed to wake them up because, you know, you might scare them.
00:13:57.520
And this lady looked, you know, she was a bit of kind of a frumpkin.
00:14:03.260
She looked kind of like a little bit of a marshmallow meatball.
00:14:18.180
And I'm like, damn, this nismich is Goldilocksing.
00:14:27.260
Because this is, dude, this is Me Too Central here.
00:14:31.220
They're waiting for some dude to jerk off off of a balcony or something.
00:14:37.960
So, it's, you know, everybody's busted up around here.
00:14:40.060
Everybody's upset and fired up and looking to, you know, they're hanging libidos from every street lamp.
00:14:47.200
So, I prop my door open now because I don't want my door closed.
00:14:51.860
I don't want there to be any, you know, miscommunication.
00:15:01.080
And I'm saying, ma'am, because I don't want there to be any.
00:15:04.060
If somebody overhears something, I don't want anybody hearing girl or anything that sounds wild.
00:15:10.900
Anything that's going to get daddy locked up or get my dick or nuts locked up.
00:15:17.940
And she looks up and she's like, don't be mean.
00:15:44.360
So, I'm thinking, well, man, I'm going to call the front desk.
00:15:50.420
Like, but if I call the front desk, then I'm thinking they come upstairs.
00:15:56.040
Are they going to believe some man that there's a girl in his room he doesn't know who she is?
00:16:01.060
What if she wakes up and says, I did something?
00:16:04.360
That's all she has to do is wake up and say, he did, he tried.
00:16:15.120
And I'm like, but then I'm thinking, well, if I put this video up, what if she doesn't like the video?
00:16:21.700
Then she could accuse me of something just to make herself feel better.
00:16:28.240
I know you're not supposed to wake these people up if they're sleepwalking.
00:16:35.660
You know, she's, I don't even know who she's working for.
00:16:44.360
When I was in junior high, we had a, this, a librarian.
00:16:50.620
And he was a beautiful kind of mixed gentleman.
00:17:03.480
And he would, like, be teaching us about the dewy dance.
00:17:14.600
You know, he was, you know, he had that beautiful French color.
00:17:20.400
And I said, you know, I'm all about beige power.
00:17:24.000
You know, that black and white kind of, that Ronda Jamb.
00:17:29.580
And he would just, he would be like, oh, you guys need to read.
00:17:37.880
So then us kids, we would try to shoot spitballs into his mouth while he was asleep.
00:18:00.080
And then, like, 30 seconds later, I hear her arguing with somebody.
00:18:08.080
I'm sure she just went to the next door and tried to get in there.
00:18:11.640
But I'm guessing, she didn't have any shoes on.
00:18:14.620
So I'm thinking that she probably, if I had to guess, she was sleeping in a room.
00:18:27.240
Like, she went out the door of the hotel room, into the hall, instead of going to the bathroom.
00:18:37.500
So, first of all, if I was a straight pervert, dude, I could have, you know.
00:18:43.420
There were some guys that would have acted out, you know, that would have ruffled them feathers, that would have tried to fight that goose.
00:18:50.780
So, I was thankful at that moment that I wasn't just a straight pervert or a straight, you know.
00:18:57.960
I was just, because you don't know sometimes until you get in a position.
00:19:03.060
You don't, I can tell you right now, I would never do this.
00:19:12.900
But what if there's a million dollars suddenly just sitting somewhere next to you?
00:19:16.220
You know, it's like you just don't know sometimes what you're going to do until you're there.
00:19:21.400
But I was glad that I didn't have that dark artist inside of me that sponged, you know, that flared up and popped, you know, popped cock or something and went at this girl or tried to, you know, even just touch a titty or something like that.
00:19:34.900
And she, you know, she was kind of, she didn't really take care of herself.
00:19:39.880
Like, I don't mind, you know, some strong, I don't mind some gristle.
00:19:44.540
But she had that just, she was real floppy disk.
00:19:52.600
You know, I don't mind that, you know, I don't mind, you know, these skinny gals sometimes like making love to a can of pickup sticks.
00:20:01.140
You know, it's like kind of putting your penis in a pillowcase full of deer antlers.
00:20:06.440
You know, I like a girl that's got a little bit of that, you know, a little harumph to her.
00:20:15.480
Outside of that, I just had kind of a crazy weekend here, man.
00:20:19.180
I got to open up for Jim Jeffries and that was magical with him and Forrest Shaw, who's one of the writers on the Jim Jeffries show.
00:20:29.540
And so, man, you walk out and, dude, it feels, what did it feel like?
00:20:36.580
And it felt, I didn't feel special, you know, because I feel a responsibility.
00:20:43.540
I feel, you know, my responsibility is to entertain, is to make these people feel some kind of joy or make them laugh or make them, you know, make them feel something good.
00:20:57.620
I didn't feel super nervous, so I felt like I could do my job.
00:21:01.460
And so then I felt, I felt grateful, I felt good.
00:21:06.100
I felt good that, man, I'm so glad I don't feel nervous right now so that I can do my job well.
00:21:11.840
Because, you know, seven years ago or something, I get a, you know, I do a big theater or get out, I would have been way more nervous.
00:21:18.400
And so it's nice, it's nice to not have that, those nerves just, you know, just, nerves, for me, nerves are like these little bitty reminders all over.
00:21:30.260
Like, it's like these little reminders just hanging off of your, your, your soul and your brain.
00:21:45.720
Maybe you can't, maybe you can't, maybe you can't.
00:21:49.520
They're like these little, like, just ornaments on my, on my, if my soul was a tree and they were little ornaments.
00:21:55.760
But they're, they're, they're, they're, they're mean ornaments.
00:21:58.960
And they just all just have maybe you can't written on the ornament.
00:22:02.620
And that's what it feels like a lot of times when I get nerves.
00:22:13.920
It's in front of, like, the Capitol or something in San Francisco.
00:22:20.000
And I told my manager, I don't, I don't do well going first.
00:22:24.320
Because the first person has to warm the crowd up.
00:22:33.200
Like, if you play baseball, you might, you know, some people are good at, uh, uh, batting.
00:22:47.800
Some people are good at just standing off to the side of third base, scratching their crotch when other people run by.
00:22:54.440
But, one thing that I'm not good at is, um, one thing I'm not good at is, uh, starting out the show.
00:23:03.680
Because, it's like, you gotta get everybody warmed up and excited.
00:23:07.620
I'm more of a little bit more, I feel like a relief pitcher.
00:23:10.780
I'm not a close, I'm a close, I'll fucking close.
00:23:17.900
And, man, I had to get out there and, dude, it was, it's like 9,000 people and they were not feeling me.
00:23:29.180
Sometimes you have a set and it ain't, man, it just, dude, it's like, it's almost like your, your brain wants to leave so bad.
00:23:50.900
Because, you're still doing all this stuff, getting no reaction from 9,000 people.
00:24:00.940
I heard, or this might have been my imagination, but I thought I could hear somebody sneeze about 200 yards away.
00:24:10.200
And, you know, people had warned me, they're like, look, you can't hear laughter outside, you know, especially in these environments because it just goes up into the air.
00:24:29.180
I mean, I was coming off the high of being in this theater.
00:24:31.740
There's 5,000 people in there and everybody had fun.
00:24:34.200
I had fun and they were, you know, it's almost as if I was talking to one person and I was feeling that joy.
00:24:40.160
And, then you get up there and that joy just, you know, just like two, you know, two MS-13ers show up and just treat that joy like a dog.
00:24:49.580
Then, the worst part for me, I got off stage and they had like this, there's nobody back there suddenly when I got off stage.
00:24:56.520
When I got on, a bunch of people were back there mingling, people having cocktails, you know, somebody got a new dress.
00:25:06.960
And, then I get off and nobody, suddenly nobody's back there.
00:25:10.980
It looked like all the real estate was like for lease suddenly.
00:25:14.280
Oh, and then I'm standing by myself and do you ever see one of those, you ever see one of those little whirling dervish things, those little, you ever see like a little wind tunnel start up?
00:25:26.000
Like in the middle and like you'll just be walking down the street and suddenly a bunch of trash will start hanging out with each other in a circle.
00:25:31.180
Like it's a big gangbang for like trash and dirt.
00:25:35.240
Like it's all just fucking real fast in the air before anybody catches it.
00:25:38.580
Suddenly, one of those kicked up right on me, like around my feet and around, like I was pigpen from, like I was, like I was pigpen from that show.
00:25:53.140
So, that, that was, that was just, so then anybody that looked over, not only could you tell I was dejected, but then I have this magical little dirtnado rolling around my feet.
00:26:06.000
Oh, so it was a trying, it was just a trying time.
00:26:14.160
But, we had some special voicemails that were set up too.
00:26:18.660
Spring is here, we had some voicemails that were set up just to be, you know, to show some gratitude that people have sent in about the 100th episode.
00:26:26.140
But, I'm not, I'm not in the studio, so I don't know if I'm going to play a bunch of those.
00:26:29.560
I'm going to try to play a few voicemails and hit some callers that came in.
00:26:33.120
But, this episode is going to be a little bit ad-libbed, and sometimes that's how it is, man.
00:26:44.160
So, Ridge Wallet, they're one of our sponsors, and if you never, if you don't have a Ridge Wallet, man, you should get one, they're dope.
00:26:49.840
And, it's a pricey item, I'm not going to lie to you, that's a pricey item they got, you know.
00:26:59.880
And, but they, it's like a front pocket wallet.
00:27:02.900
So, especially like here in San Fran, I notice if you have a wallet in the back of your pocket, one of your butt cheeks is kind of up in the air a little bit.
00:27:09.080
And, if you sit down like that, I notice when I have that big butt wallet, that a lot, sometimes a lot of men will think that I am trying to be, you know, get extremely natural with them, or, you know, get extremely fancy, or, you know, sensual.
00:27:25.920
Because, you're sitting at like a, you know, you're kind of propped up a little bit, and you got that, you know, one of your, everything, like one of your tits is a little higher than the other one, one of your shoulders is a little higher.
00:27:37.920
Because, you know, you got that, that regular wallet under your butt.
00:27:41.620
And, I notice that a lot of men will be like, oh, who's that little, you know, who's that little prudent little flamingo over there?
00:27:49.900
But, it's like, it's like, nah, nah, buckaroo, you know, I'm trying to just, I'm, you know, I'm vulva only for daddy.
00:28:00.040
But, but they don't see that because you propped up, because one of your butt cheeks is higher than the other, and it gives you that flair.
00:28:06.400
And, a lot of men will take that flair as like a flirt action.
00:28:10.240
So, the, the Ridge wallet is, you put it in your front pocket.
00:28:14.060
But, we got a really dope thing, Ridge wallet has said that, you know, everybody knows, you know, we've been supportive of this young gentleman,
00:28:19.900
named Mickey, he just got them new, them new, them new duffels.
00:28:27.840
And, the lungs he inherited actually came from a drug addict, a man that was on crack cocaine.
00:28:33.580
Probably a man here in San Francisco, statistically speaking.
00:28:37.880
Dude, it is, it was sunny this week, but also this weekend, it was also probably a 70% chance of crack outside.
00:28:44.680
And, but Ridge has said that they want to bring Mickey down, and they want to take him and me skydiving together.
00:28:55.280
He may hear this episode and learn about that, but I thought that that was pretty magical, that they reached out and did that.
00:29:03.480
And, and that, so that's something that's going to happen.
00:29:06.940
We'll put it out on, we'll put that out on regular YouTube.
00:29:09.400
I was going to say we'll put it on Patreon, but that's a real thing.
00:29:11.680
You know, I don't know if Mickey can take them crack lungs up in the atmosphere.
00:29:15.920
You know, I don't want to find a new addiction.
00:29:18.480
Because that's another thing I'm worried about for trick lung Mickey is that if he has lungs that were addicted to crack, okay?
00:29:24.160
And that man died, but those lungs are still alive.
00:29:28.940
And if now, if Mickey has them, you're telling me he might not start smoking crack someday?
00:29:40.020
You know, in the future, you know, who knows what happens in the future?
00:29:46.060
Wouldn't it be cool if you had a pair of pants, right?
00:29:48.340
And if you urinated in them, the, the, the pants were just like one color, like white.
00:29:53.540
But when you urinated in them, the, the urine, the moisture revealed a design in the pants.
00:29:59.400
So instead of people being like, dang boy, you know, Sherman pissed his, uh, pissed his knickers.
00:30:07.000
Instead, they'd be like, damn, Sherman got them, uh, them Picasso pants.
00:30:16.540
So you could piss your pants, but suddenly, you know, you got these, maybe a pine trees or something that show up on them.
00:30:23.400
Um, so that way it would, you know, it would diffuse because, you know, we don't do it much as adults.
00:30:30.040
When you're young and you urinate yourself, that shit's just, it's just one clump of urine in the front.
00:30:34.720
It would be neat if they had a pant that could prevent that and, um, you know, create art at the same time.
00:30:41.240
But, yeah, anyway, my mind's all over the place, man.
00:30:47.460
I can't even tell if this audio's working good.
00:30:55.240
You know, and I was a little intimidated this weekend, man.
00:31:01.500
And, you know, sometimes I just get intimidated.
00:31:04.660
Like, this place is, you know, has that vibe of being super liberal.
00:31:11.240
And I'm, you know, I feel like I fall all around in the middle or I don't know where I fall.
00:31:17.600
You know, I'm just trying to fucking be realistic about things.
00:31:20.500
But, you know, I just get, there were certainly some moments where I was nervous about doing some of my material.
00:31:29.640
It's wild to think that because you can't, you know, in some places you can't be sarcastic,
00:31:35.620
When the environment's smaller, then you could, sarcasm,
00:31:39.500
you could do sarcasm any time because people can get it.
00:31:44.260
But when people are, you know, 600 yards away sitting there listening to you,
00:31:55.820
I got to work with Burt Kreischer, and that was magical.
00:31:58.580
And, um, you know, I noticed this as a comedian, you never have two bad sets in a row.
00:32:07.280
And I knew after that second set didn't go to my liking.
00:32:10.180
I was like, I know I'll have a good one next time.
00:32:27.920
What's up, Eric from Baton Rouge down there in the red stick.
00:32:31.920
And my brother, uh, lives down there and he has three children down there.
00:32:44.440
So just wanted to comment on the punctuality of the insect community.
00:32:53.800
You think Mother Nature's not going to be on time?
00:33:03.880
Whatever clock we have, this wallet, this Timex or whatever, this iPhone,
00:33:15.920
She's the one with the, but she knows when this is all going to end.
00:33:21.920
So she, she might send out a June bug or a December Viper.
00:33:25.480
Whatever, that bitch has got these animals on time.
00:33:32.960
You know, people want to talk about feminism and, you know, female empowerment.
00:33:37.860
Could, could there be any greater powers in the world than the feminine wiles?
00:34:35.540
That little Korean, you know, that little dude.
00:34:38.800
He looks like a, he looks like a pizza chef kind of buddy from Korea.
00:34:42.620
Uh, he, he, yeah, he would maybe do volcanoes outside of that Mother Nature.
00:34:51.500
The bison, she's got them ready to rock when they need to run across the Serengeti.
00:34:55.520
She knows that 90 of them are going to get hit by lions.
00:35:03.060
So I'm not surprised, man, but I appreciate that call.
00:35:07.980
We'll, we'll rock in and out of a few calls, man, if this appears to be working.
00:35:10.840
Uh, thank you guys for joining us, uh, this week.
00:35:17.160
Instead of have a guest, we might do, we'll do something.
00:35:20.840
I do want to celebrate a little bit more of the fact that we made it through a hundred episodes.
00:35:26.460
Dude, I remember there were nights I was doing this and I did not want to, honestly.
00:35:31.820
You know, night, there would be nights where, you know, especially when I first started,
00:35:34.860
I was real heavy into, you know, and a lot of y'all know this, into the dark arts and
00:35:38.880
into doing, you know, self-pleasure and self-skeet, you know, and just skeeting out and pleasure
00:35:45.900
And I remember one day I had just, just abused myself really to exhaustion sensually, you
00:35:52.800
know, looking at just, you know, different types of lab he is and everything on the internet
00:35:57.860
and, you know, I was just caught up and I just, you know, my body, there was nothing
00:36:04.520
There was like a, even a zero percent chance of any coom really flying out of my body.
00:36:09.640
And I'm not trying to be vulgar, but I am trying to be honest with you right now.
00:36:13.440
And I would still, you know, have to put the, you know, I'd still put the podcast up and
00:36:19.160
You know, just, just not wanting to, but still put setting the cameras up and getting
00:36:28.180
And, um, and then the editing dude, in the beginning, we didn't have it set up where you
00:36:33.200
could play a voicemail or a song and have it all be in the same audio track.
00:36:38.320
So we had to take the separate audio tracks and lay them all in and sync them up, man.
00:36:44.200
I remember it being noon the next day, I'd been up all night and I wasn't even doing
00:36:51.320
So I was up all night on just, you know, just on the Lord's cocaine, just air, oxygen
00:37:02.320
I remember being in Illinois last year and I had to drive to somebody's yard, get close
00:37:11.780
enough to their house and steal their internet because it was middle of nowhere and use their
00:37:16.420
internet to upload at five megabytes per second or something.
00:37:22.180
She's all fucking pissed trying to get me to leave.
00:37:29.400
I said, I've been uploading this thing for two and a half hours.
00:37:32.980
And if I pull off even six feet away from your house right now, this thing's, it's going
00:37:43.740
But the, you know, what the beauty in this has been for me is just that you guys showed
00:37:49.320
up and that I had to get it up and that we, we did it.
00:37:53.160
You know, that's my favorite pronoun a lot of times is we, you know, sometimes people will
00:37:58.140
be like, oh man, are you coming to, when are you coming to perform?
00:38:00.160
And I'll be like, oh, we are coming at this time.
00:38:06.140
And I'll be like, oh, we went to, cause I don't like to feel alone.
00:38:09.760
I think, you know, I'd rather just somebody assume that I'm not alone and maybe, maybe
00:38:21.780
I think the same by saying we, a lot makes me feel that way.
00:38:24.840
But yeah, man, I'm trying, and I'm trying to think of some of the other times, but I do
00:38:30.840
feel a little out of my element here in this hotel.
00:38:34.520
So, but yeah, a lot of times we put this thing up.
00:38:38.860
One camera, I did an episode in a car one night just by the light of the little, the light
00:38:48.940
Dr. Drew is going to come in, just locked him down to come in.
00:38:53.920
So that Chris Ryan episode was really interesting.
00:38:56.840
I thought, you know, I want to talk to him more.
00:38:59.300
We just talked really about, you know, one of the things I felt like we talked about was,
00:39:04.640
you know, if you, if you want to be in a more open sexual environment.
00:39:12.620
But I would love to hear his thoughts more on, you know, what it's like, because a lot
00:39:17.160
of people, that's not what they, that's not going to help them.
00:39:21.200
You know, a lot of people, that's not fitting for their life.
00:39:24.640
You know, I was talking to my brother and he was saying that, you know, there's something
00:39:30.420
special when you have a connection with somebody and you come home.
00:39:35.040
And, you know, when you, both you guys have been, or, you know, have been good to each
00:39:39.940
other and you guys are in a marriage that's connected, that there's, there's nothing like
00:39:44.920
that feeling, you know, of having that person and having that nest, that, you know, even
00:39:51.900
that sensual, that where it all comes together kind of in some of those moments of even just
00:39:56.360
laying next to each other, you know, and there's something, there's a real, as much as there
00:40:01.880
is a bravery for men and women that are open to try open relationships and be able to communicate
00:40:09.260
There's a bravery and there's something amazing about the stick-to-itiveness of people to say,
00:40:18.100
this is the choice I've made and this is the choice I'm going to make the most of.
00:40:25.720
And I wish we'd have gotten in a little bit more of that.
00:40:27.540
I wanted to pick his brain a little, but I'm still learning how to interview.
00:40:30.140
You know, I'm still learning, you know, how to listen.
00:40:39.180
This, this whole experience has just been super.
00:40:41.100
And I'm so excited to be able to reach out to new guests.
00:40:43.540
And if you have a guest that you want on, let us know who they are and let them know.
00:40:50.420
Send them a DM, send them a message and say, hey, you would be great on this guy's podcast.
00:41:00.500
Listen, I just realized I think I may be in a little bit of the dark arts business myself.
00:41:10.640
You sleepwalk at a Ramada, somebody will fucking pull out a pistole, bro.
00:41:25.540
Boy, you hiding cotton in the bodies of animals?
00:41:31.900
Dang, though, you making stuffed animals out of real animals?
00:41:36.380
Dude, the reason why we came out with stuffed animals is because we didn't want people like you doing all of that.
00:41:51.040
What if they started doing taxidermy for people?
00:41:54.480
You know, you could have your grandfather just have both of his arms up in the air, and you could make him in like a coat rack.
00:42:03.200
Two coats on him, or maybe six coats if he's a strong grandparent, if he, you know, still didn't have much osteoporosis.
00:42:08.700
And you could have him just right by the door, just all taxidermied up.
00:42:19.840
You know where, like, people go out and find an animal that's not quite ready to be dead, but they make it dead and then bring it to me in hopes that I can make it look alive again.
00:42:36.880
There's so many people that are, I think it's wonderful to be an animal lover.
00:42:43.100
And because if you can love an animal, it just shows, I mean, that's just practice for loving humans.
00:42:49.520
I mean, you know, there's so many creatures out there.
00:42:52.400
You know, and Mother Nature knows what she's doing with all of them.
00:42:55.600
And even a June bug, you know, probably have feelings.
00:42:59.020
You know, and it probably has feelings all year around.
00:43:02.060
But to think that there's probably people that are starting to overly love animals, like, to the point where I think it's not healthy.
00:43:13.100
And I could see, now that you mentioned this, Chuck, I could see someone wanting to keep an animal in its prime.
00:43:21.700
And so then they exterminate their animal, their own loved animal, just to have a taxidermy to keep it how they want it.
00:43:31.040
And that's, I mean, that is, I mean, that's real, that's pretty much sorcery.
00:43:38.080
When you look at that, that is, that's probably grade A sorcery.
00:43:45.200
And sometimes people just bring delicious animals that they've eaten, and they want them to look like they did before they were eaten.
00:43:58.200
People bring delicious animals that they've eaten, and they want it to look like, oh, oh.
00:44:03.360
So you're saying maybe somebody get that Thanksgiving turkey, you know, that prized bird, that prized seasonal partridge.
00:44:11.360
And they eat it, but then they want it to look like they didn't eat it?
00:44:18.300
But I just got to thinking about it, and I'm afraid that the taxidermy might be in a dark heart.
00:44:24.560
It's not that I'm getting out, but it's definitely borderline at least.
00:44:35.760
If you're stuffing cotton or textiles into the deceased body of an animal, dude, that's Slytherin.
00:44:46.720
And if you can sleep at night, then that's very interesting to me.
00:44:59.480
This is Rico, and I'm a driver out there delivering to restaurants.
00:45:04.720
Thank you for being a driver, and thank you for delivering to restaurants, man.
00:45:07.840
You know, my mother delivers newspapers, and she delivers different items to them.
00:45:14.600
They had a company called Vortman, V-O-R-T-M-A-N, and she would get these huge cases of cookies.
00:45:22.520
I mean, one of them boxes probably had 400 cookies.
00:45:29.380
I was a kid, so you could smell that fucking ginger.
00:45:33.220
Dude, and I know she would have all these boxes.
00:45:35.600
She had this Volkswagen Rabbit, and my mother would have that thing stacked to the fucking brim.
00:45:41.220
Boy, about 600 pounds of sweet rounds in that thing of cookies.
00:45:49.540
Sometimes I would sneak her keys out of her purse, and I would go in there at night in that car,
00:45:54.880
and I would open the door, and I would lay on top of all those cookies, man.
00:46:00.260
And I would just sleep right there on top of those cookies.
00:46:04.140
And, man, there was nothing more wonderful for me than that.
00:46:15.740
probably 2,500 individual cookies all grouped together in boxes.
00:46:27.400
and I could just smell them all, man, coming into my body and coming into my fucking system.
00:46:34.040
I'm glad I wasn't masturbating or anything at that point
00:46:37.100
because you're going to tell me, you're telling me that you wouldn't.
00:46:42.600
But you're laying in a bed of 2,500 sweet treats,
00:46:49.620
and you ain't going to just make your own frosting?
00:47:05.040
Oh, man, well, I appreciate you calling, and congratulations.
00:47:09.300
You know, one thing about being here in San Francisco, it is,
00:47:15.320
I saw two people shooting up here, shooting up.
00:47:19.040
And in Los Angeles, you can see that by skid row and stuff like that,
00:47:21.820
but I'd never seen that just out in the wild, you know, in normal areas.
00:47:25.700
You know, like you're looking in a window, and they got a gap or something,
00:47:28.140
and then you look over, and they got a dude putting a needle into one of his gaps.
00:47:37.280
So congratulations on being a recovering drug addict.
00:47:41.680
Let's listen to your call, and then I'll go into my story.
00:47:44.260
I actually read this book by Russell Brand, the comedian, called Recovery,
00:47:50.000
and I think maybe you could see if you could have him on as a guest,
00:47:55.880
He was on Joe Rogan's podcast, and it was a real good interview,
00:48:00.100
but they didn't really talk too much about the drug addiction stuff.
00:48:05.640
And, yeah, just check it out, see what can happen, and keep it up, man,
00:48:16.240
Thank you for calling in, man, and best of luck to you in your recovery, dude.
00:48:20.340
That's brave, man, and you're doing brave stuff for yourself, and that's inspiring.
00:48:26.100
It reminded me of the first time I ever came to San Francisco.
00:48:31.100
I was working as a tour manager for a musician, and I came here,
00:48:37.980
We got into the hotel, and next thing you know, we go outside, and it's dark out.
00:48:43.180
And we were in an area where there wasn't a lot of food opportunities.
00:48:46.120
There wasn't a lot of places where you could really satiate your stomach
00:48:51.140
And I walked outside, and they had a homeless guy.
00:48:56.540
I don't know if he was homeless, but he definitely –
00:48:59.480
it looked like if he had a home that he hadn't been there in maybe two or three years.
00:49:03.780
So at least a dude that had lost his keys and his address.
00:49:08.740
And he – and I was like, what is that guy doing?
00:49:14.400
That store Gap was really popular, and they had models in the windows.
00:49:18.500
And a picture of a beautiful brunette girl, kind of Rubenesque a little bit,
00:49:22.740
you know, a little, you know, natural-looking, regular lady.
00:49:32.160
And I like other colors, too, but I also – I do like red hair.
00:49:34.860
And because that's the fire, you know what I'm saying?
00:49:38.500
When you got fucking straight fire coming out of your body via your hair,
00:49:52.280
He had a radio, like a plug-in radio where you find a radio station, transistor radio.
00:49:58.500
He runs across the street, plugs it in, and he tunes it, and he put it on Nora Jones.
00:50:10.460
Then this man ran across the street back to the Gap ad.
00:50:14.660
Now, with Nora Jones just filling this street up, and there was nobody else around.
00:50:20.700
It was like an area where people, I guess, would shop a lot during the day.
00:50:24.580
So at night, those areas are generally pretty dead because that's more of a commercial district.
00:50:29.040
And this man started masturbating and touching himself outdoors and touching his own body and touching his dick outdoors.
00:50:38.360
And it – you know, it made me feel like, wow, like even – even at the lowest – you know,
00:50:47.920
and I don't want to say the lowest levels of humanity, but even at a very visceral level of humanity,
00:50:56.180
like being homeless or having been not home in a long time and being dirty and being – that there was still some romance in this man.
00:51:06.300
There was still – you know, he wasn't just going to jerk off to this woman he didn't know in the window.
00:51:11.660
You know, he had chosen to put on some music and make it a moment.
00:51:24.100
I don't know what that did to me in the rest of my life or what it continues to do
00:51:29.140
But it was very interesting to see that even at such a – you know,
00:51:33.960
what we would consider a low level of existence that that man had chosen to make a moment.
00:51:43.040
No matter how tough things are, you know, if we can do a – make that little extra step,
00:51:47.740
you know, we can maybe take ourselves out of – out of the exactness of what something is.
00:51:55.000
You know, because this man was just jerking off outside of a gap, outside of business hours.
00:51:59.940
But when he put the music on, it filled the streets, and this woman's voice was beautiful,
00:52:07.080
It was almost like a ballet, you know, like a ballet with a dick in it.
00:52:14.400
Kind of – I don't – I'm out of my mind, dude.
00:52:19.660
Thank you for calling about that recommendation.
00:52:45.080
His gun flew out of his belt and landed on the ground.
00:52:49.400
When he picked it up, he accidentally shot somebody in the crowd.
00:52:57.560
Because, of course, I'm still supporting Theo Vaughn.
00:53:05.280
And, of course, I called back to talk about Roseanne.
00:53:11.080
I know you're planning to talk on it, if you haven't already.
00:53:13.480
But in the spirit of the Theo, I think the best thing that could come of this is if Roseanne and Valerie Jarrett talk to each other, maybe for the people, for the people to see.
00:53:24.160
I appreciate you asking what my thoughts are on it.
00:53:27.860
And if you guys have thoughts on it, you don't want to know my thoughts on something, you're always welcome to call and ask me.
00:53:32.040
And you can hit the hotline for any questions or any issues you have, 985-664-9503.
00:53:42.160
Because in that idea, you're going to get, you know, we're in this time where nobody wants the full, nobody wants to know why people do something anymore.
00:53:54.400
I believe that, I don't think that Twitter is a great source for anything.
00:53:59.300
Twitter is just, I mean, Twitter is like, it's like junior, it's like middle school.
00:54:06.260
But I think that on the Roseanne topic, I mean, first of all, Roseanne is from a different, you know, she's going to say edgy, wild shit.
00:54:36.480
She grabbed her vulva one time and spit during the national anthem.
00:54:44.320
So is somebody surprised that she made, you know, disparaging comments or even racial comments at somebody on Twitter?
00:54:54.720
You know, I think it's wild how we ever, anything that even could be racist now is definitely racist.
00:55:00.440
But it's like, what do you expect out of Roseanne?
00:55:07.160
And it's also, what do you expect when you give a 65 year old or whatever she is, 63 or something, a Twitter account?
00:55:21.220
It also seemed like some stuff was going on over there with that show.
00:55:24.600
Maybe people didn't like working there with her or didn't like the environment.
00:55:28.560
You know, I know Whitney Cummings had been working there and then quit the show or, this was a few weeks ago.
00:55:36.480
This was a few weeks before the debacle happened with Roseanne and how she was tweeting and how she gets into the politics of it all.
00:55:44.360
And it's just, I mean, it is a time where if you have a conservative voice or you're angry at, at, I mean, Hollywood is devoutly liberal.
00:55:56.780
It, you can't, and it's almost better for you really not to get into it.
00:56:04.460
Because these days we are being held, like performers, everyone is being held, it seems like, to, you know, they're being held.
00:56:14.760
Everything you do can affect everything you do.
00:56:18.160
You know, you're being held, your character, your human, your character as a human can affect your character on a show, if you play on a show.
00:56:36.940
I wish we didn't know what anybody's political views were.
00:56:42.540
And I think if you meet somebody in person, then you, a lot of times you don't know.
00:56:47.220
You know, it used to be the thing was a couple things you don't talk about, politics and your sex life.
00:56:52.520
Because, you know, those things would cause controversy and those things would, you know, anger people.
00:57:02.000
But I do think that the best thing, I don't know if ABC made the best move by canceling the show.
00:57:07.560
Because then everyone is affected by her choice.
00:57:12.020
I mean, that gives her, in a weird way, it gave her a lot of power.
00:57:15.220
And it gave her a lot of, you know, she made that mistake.
00:57:23.380
You know, of course, look, some people say, look, she fucking tweeted what she wants.
00:57:51.260
It's like, don't let somebody be a comedian anymore.
00:58:01.420
You know, I don't know some of the gist of all of it.
00:58:04.580
But it didn't seem like, you know, she didn't, I don't know.
00:58:25.660
But yeah, I would have loved to have seen those two women be able to sit and talk about it.
00:58:29.660
You know, we have this weird thing where once we can actually learn something from a situation,
00:58:37.440
You know, I've said this before with the 18 kids and counting or whatever at that TV show.
00:58:41.900
And they had one of the kids had touched another one's titty.
00:58:45.140
Or kid titty, whatever it's called when you're a kid.
00:58:53.840
Because some, you know, allegations had come out that when one of the kids was 11 and one
00:58:58.000
of the kids was 15, that one of the kids had touched one of the, one of the, the boy had
00:59:03.380
There's 17 or 18 kids in the house had touched one of them's vagina or titty.
00:59:07.360
And first of all, I've said this before, but when you have 18 kids in a house, you can't
00:59:13.320
even reach for the light switch probably without touching somebody's ass.
00:59:17.660
There's just too many body parts in the environment.
00:59:22.340
But also I thought, well, this is a great time for us to have a, for people to have a
00:59:26.820
conversation about what happens when you're kids.
00:59:31.240
And if something kind of weird happens at the house, like if, and I could be getting the
00:59:36.500
age is wrong, but I think they were both children.
00:59:43.720
So, and look, we've all looked at, I had to, I had some, I had some weird stuff happen
00:59:50.300
You know, they used to have a man in our neighborhood would give us 20 bucks and he'd
00:59:53.300
go and spread his ass cheeks about 40 feet away from us and just pay us to look at his
00:59:57.940
fricking browser hole, you know, just to stare over at that, uh, you know, that little,
01:00:04.060
that deal he had, you know, and sometimes you play that song, Brown Eyed Girl too, on his
01:00:09.020
car stereo while, while he did it, you know, that was weird.
01:00:14.040
I remember being really young and hugging my sister, like extremely hard and pressing
01:00:21.040
Cause I got some sort of, you know, feeling of, of, I don't know if it was sexual.
01:00:27.740
At the time I didn't know it was sexual feelings.
01:00:30.440
I just, I got some different feeling and I wouldn't, you know, doing anything, you know,
01:00:38.000
But, but it just seemed like it would have been a good, sometimes there's a good time
01:00:44.280
for, for, um, and that same guy was now older on that 18 kids and counting show and he had
01:00:51.540
gotten busted on those adult friend finder, Ashley Brown, whatever that website is called,
01:00:56.400
Ashley Brown, where people log on and try to find, uh, other people's genitalia within
01:01:01.720
like a 25 mile radius or whatever to go over and smell and touch and be around.
01:01:06.780
But, and I thought, well, this is also a great time to find out about adultery and why this
01:01:13.280
And let's that now more than ever, I wanted to see that show.
01:01:16.900
I'd never seen it, but now I wanted to see it when we can learn.
01:01:22.620
But so many times we shut things down right when it's a great opportunity for us to really
01:01:30.800
Cause man, it's like, we're just in such a desperate time to really connect.
01:01:34.680
And, and some of these powers that, that control a lot of stuff, they don't do it.
01:01:45.400
I'd love to have a, have a car because we just, we need to have some more conversations.
01:01:50.300
We need to have them because otherwise we're just, we're in this word fight and it's just,
01:01:58.480
It's kind of scary, but I appreciate you calling.
01:02:01.420
I don't want to, you know, if people are tired of hearing about that, then that's just wasting
01:02:13.020
Um, dude, I just want to let you know, uh, Baltimore, man, a great place to, uh, join the
01:02:21.400
I've seen people walking down the street in Baltimore, both eyes closed, walk seven, eight
01:02:31.560
Uh, man, absolutely love your, uh, your comedy.
01:02:36.740
It's really been helping me get through, uh, kind of a tough time.
01:02:39.880
Um, ended a relationship with, uh, somebody, uh, been together with this girl for about six
01:02:58.640
And, uh, she, uh, called it off and, um, also involved a, uh, house.
01:03:08.800
It got, she called it off and that must've been tough on her too.
01:03:17.760
Um, so yeah, I lost a girlfriend and a house and, um, happened about four months ago.
01:03:23.980
Um, you know, pretty tough time getting through it, but, uh, but man, I've been listening to
01:03:29.400
your, uh, your podcast, you know, just about every day and, um, you know, it cracks me up
01:03:34.340
and it's, it's, you know, nice to hear that, you know, everybody else, you know, everybody's
01:03:40.140
Um, and yeah, I just want to say, I appreciate it.
01:03:47.720
And people calling and talking about their struggles, man.
01:03:58.520
I am my struggles because the struggle is when I, the more I see it, like I've never reached
01:04:05.960
a goal in my life and been like, or reached a time in my life and been like, oh man, find
01:04:18.560
That's where the, why that's where the, you know, it's when you're, it's when you're in
01:04:26.880
When you're having to lay there with your eyes open, it's when you're having to show up
01:04:30.240
for yourself is when you're having to tell somebody how you feel, even though it hurts.
01:04:37.060
It's when you have, it's when you, you're on your way home and you get a call from a friend
01:04:43.120
You're like, fuck, but you go, you know, it's the, it's the, it's the fucking struggles,
01:04:53.380
That's who, I mean, that's what, that's where I learn who I am.
01:04:57.260
You know, I don't get to a, you know, it's not like you win a game and yeah, that, it
01:05:05.440
feels good to win, but the, the part that was, it was the moments where you made the plays
01:05:16.480
That, that was the meat, but, uh, you know, I can only imagine how tough that is, but I
01:05:24.820
know there's better things on the horizon for you or different things.
01:05:28.300
You know, you never know, man, that girl might have, she might get hit by lightning and I'm
01:05:32.760
She sound like a nice lady, but you never know.
01:05:40.520
So, and maybe that house, maybe that whole fucking thing is burning down.
01:05:46.180
You know, it's just a, you know, you don't know.
01:05:48.840
That's another thing, boy, mother nature, boy, when she wants to crack that lightning whip,
01:05:53.740
you never, you never know who's going to get it.
01:05:59.520
We got a couple of responses to, uh, last week's episode.
01:06:08.900
I'm just calling, uh, fill y'all in on what you can do as far as, you know, getting good
01:06:17.960
We had a call last week and maybe the week before, I think the gentleman's name was Michael.
01:06:21.540
I'm not sure, but about how to get, um, how to get, get treated.
01:06:24.820
He was worried about how to get treated fairly.
01:06:28.560
He's worried about how to get treated fairly by a mechanic.
01:06:30.720
And here we have a mechanic calling in from South Georgia.
01:06:32.980
And I know they got vehicles breaking down over there in South Georgia more.
01:06:36.560
That shit gets expensive, but what you need to do is you need to find your good shop,
01:06:43.660
you know, that, and you need to be loyal to them.
01:06:46.660
You need to make friends with a mechanic there.
01:06:49.460
Having a mechanic as a friend will definitely help you out.
01:06:55.980
And that's kind of a, you know, but that's a simple and that's a straightforward answer
01:07:00.300
I think, you know, and, and one thing, like I had mentioned that can, you know, that I
01:07:03.520
suggested that create, could create friendship is just being earnest with them.
01:07:07.460
Cause you know, if I do fuck, here's the thing.
01:07:12.460
But if I'm earnest with you and you fuck me, man, I know you don't sleep that strong at
01:07:19.360
But I know you don't, I know you don't because when I give you that earnestness and I give
01:07:26.140
you that honesty and say, Hey, look, I, you know, I don't know how to do this.
01:07:30.880
I, when you're vulnerable in that moment and that man fucks you, that's, that hangs on him.
01:07:36.220
That's a dirty ornament hanging on his inner tree.
01:07:40.740
And that ornament might even have a jingle bell in it.
01:07:43.460
So we hear that thing flare up and that's his, that's his.
01:07:49.360
His dirty ornament that he's hanging inside of himself when you show up with that vulnerability.
01:07:56.920
We got a call that came in for the, the woman from Saudi Arabia had called in.
01:08:00.980
And I actually took the call onto the Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla podcast the other day.
01:08:05.720
And we, we had it answered on there by Dr. Drew.
01:08:09.160
And we're going to try to package that up and we'll put that out this week.
01:08:12.680
A series of the answer that happened there and the answer that came in on here on this
01:08:19.780
But here's some suggestions that you guys offered.
01:08:26.260
And again, I was calling because of the brave woman from Saudi Arabia that called your podcast
01:08:34.120
to talk to you about suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and everything.
01:08:40.040
First off, I just wanted to say that it kicks ass that she actually asked somebody for help.
01:08:49.640
And man, you know, I got to start putting some notes up around my house or my apartment
01:08:55.720
But that say, that remind me that, you know, I have to be brave enough to ask for help.
01:09:04.380
Second, thank you for creating a place where she could call to do that.
01:09:07.920
Third, I had a couple of suggestions for her because I also deal with the same.
01:09:12.520
And it is a lot, very difficult in this world to feel like you actually have a purpose
01:09:17.720
and you're contributing the main way I found to combat that is to think about the things
01:09:35.560
I get to do while I'm here, things that I actually like.
01:09:39.340
And whatever those things are, I try to do them as often as I can because they make you feel good.
01:09:45.580
And that way, if you plan ahead for something that you really enjoy, you always have something
01:09:55.820
Whatever you have going on in your head or whatever you feel like in that moment, if you're
01:10:00.320
upset, if you're sad, if you're happy, it's really good to sit and write those things down
01:10:05.800
on paper because otherwise your brain turns into an echo chamber for the dark arts.
01:10:13.220
She hit us with that flare at the end, with that viola.
01:10:18.300
You know, the brain is a dirty echo chamber, isn't it?
01:10:33.660
Let's hear another suggestion for the Saudi Arabia caller.
01:10:52.120
As much as you have me dying laughing all the time when I heard Amy from Saudi Arabia call
01:11:01.800
I read a book a while back that helped change my life.
01:11:13.460
And I also just want her to know that down here in Miami, we appreciate her courage for
01:11:22.000
And I want her to know that she needs to be good to herself because she definitely deserves it.
01:11:44.980
Because, man, you know, things, shit can happen when people try to do stuff.
01:11:56.620
And we'll make sure that she gets a link to this episode so that she can hear people's
01:12:01.420
We're going to package it all up for her with Dr. Drew Penske's advice and also with Dr.
01:12:07.980
Christopher Ryan's suggestions for whenever we played that call for him the other day.
01:12:15.040
Question for you about, let's say I'm about eight, nine years old.
01:12:26.760
One of the activities that a camp counselor put on was a wrestling match.
01:12:35.540
It was a bathing suit, soap and water, like real slippery type on like a slip and slide
01:12:45.460
You guys are playing slip and slide and they got soap and water.
01:12:51.760
And it wasn't between the kids, but it was mostly between kids trying to take down the
01:13:03.120
Here I am, eight years old, and I'm thinking like WrestleMania, WWE type shit.
01:13:11.320
And as a kid, it seemed like a wrestling match.
01:13:13.740
But the older I get, the more I'm starting to think that something funny might have been
01:13:24.020
I mean, if a man has six or seven soaped up children climbing all over his body.
01:13:31.280
Yeah, dude, that's, I mean, I would just be grateful you didn't get molested, honestly.
01:13:39.180
You definitely, I think you probably fulfilled some erotic thoughts of his.
01:13:46.300
You know, he's probably just feeling all those, you know, those energetic, soapy, just knee
01:13:51.640
nubs going over his skin and just, you know, just not having, you know, 12, you know, kids
01:14:00.880
I mean, he probably was feeling something wild.
01:14:02.940
But I'm grateful that y'all didn't get molested.
01:14:06.980
That's where I would just keep it right there and just find some gratitude in that.
01:14:14.860
And I saw that you're looking to have nominations sent in for a single mom to come check out
01:14:27.420
Yes, we are at Cherokee Casino there in West Siloam.
01:14:34.220
So my nomination is a lady by the name of Kristen Switzer.
01:14:44.100
She has a little daughter and just one of the most positive people I know.
01:14:48.160
She does a ton for her community and does a ton of fundraising for animal shelters and
01:14:58.300
Yeah, man, I'll reach out to you tomorrow and we'll get in touch and see what we can't
01:15:13.420
And, you know, it makes me feel, and some people might be wondering why, you know, what
01:15:19.580
And I think it's just, you know, I remember when I was a kid, you know, I didn't get,
01:15:29.580
actually really, I guess it's more like when I'm an adult.
01:15:32.700
You know, my mother and I have never laughed together.
01:15:54.680
But that still doesn't mean that I don't want to not, I, when I think even in my mother's
01:16:02.360
life, I don't know if she ever has laughed in her life, really.
01:16:05.000
I mean, I know there's some moments where I have seen her laugh, but has she ever just
01:16:10.060
been somewhere and just laughed and, and felt taken care of at the same time?
01:16:17.660
Because there's a different type of laugh you can have when you, when you feel taken
01:16:25.340
You know, when that stress of the, of every moment isn't sitting on your skin, isn't hanging
01:16:34.540
on your tree, you can, there's other, you can feel more intensely and you can be more
01:16:43.880
And so I would just love to, I wish I, there was a moment I could remember when I was young
01:16:51.200
that I knew that my mom and one of her friends or something went out to a place and just laughed.
01:16:57.740
She didn't go somewhere and just get wasted and, you know, maybe some man be rude to her or
01:17:03.880
something like that, or, you know, or she, you know, came home and, you know, was alone
01:17:09.420
and just, you know, back in our apartment, which was sinking in the mud and, you know, and felt
01:17:14.820
depressed or, you know, it'd be nice just to know, cause I don't have that memory.
01:17:20.380
But man, to think that, you know, some higher power gave me a gift to tell jokes, you know,
01:17:32.860
to make people laugh or to make them, to make them feel okay.
01:17:42.720
Uh, you know, and I don't even think, man, I know this sounds crazy, but I don't feel like
01:17:51.360
I feel like if I take care of myself that I am, this isn't my doing and I'm not saying
01:18:01.540
it's God, I'm not getting on some hokey level there, but I do feel like I'm a conduit for,
01:18:12.800
And if I can take care of myself, then I can best be utilized.
01:18:16.500
Um, and if my little gift happens to be, look, tons of shit I'm not good at, dude, you know?
01:18:24.800
But one thing I can do is, you know, uh, I can, if I'm in a good place, I can make people
01:18:33.860
And, and if I could, you know, if I knew there was a moment in my life where I remembered,
01:18:38.040
oh, remember when mom went out and my mother honestly didn't even have any friends.
01:18:43.160
Uh, cause I think, you know, she was just, you know, my mother's, man, and I'm not talking
01:18:51.780
I love my mother and I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for her.
01:18:55.420
And my mother, uh, you know, I know she loves me.
01:19:01.820
Sometimes I wish that she, there were other parts of her heart maybe that could be unlocked
01:19:06.880
more so that she could love to levels that, that I don't know if she knows exist, but that's
01:19:23.200
Um, but if I could think back and know there was a time where somebody took care of man,
01:19:29.160
just made her feel joy and didn't ask anything in return, you know, that a man, and also to
01:19:36.460
know that a man did that for my mother and didn't leave her with any burden.
01:19:49.200
I can't think of a time when even I've asked her to want to do something and just pending
01:19:56.940
And maybe sometimes I think I might've gone out and laid in that car just to even be around
01:20:02.560
her for a little bit, even though she wasn't in there.
01:20:05.560
You know, it was a place I knew she was so much running around and driving that car that
01:20:09.240
if I could just be in there for a little while by myself, you know, maybe it was the smell
01:20:18.000
You know, we're, we're such creatures as children.
01:20:34.100
You know, we might have the first mother and her friend go out and they get in a fucking
01:20:41.160
But, but man, I would love to have that memory that my mother got to go out and not have had
01:20:47.640
to just know that everything was okay and be able to laugh and have some joy.
01:20:54.200
And thank you for calling in, Raj, because you're helping right now.
01:21:09.560
And that means our friendship begins in Japanese.
01:21:20.500
And, uh, I was so happy to see Chris Ryan on your podcast, on your show.
01:21:33.800
I want to know what it's like, you know, trying to help people.
01:21:39.000
Um, because it seems like you devote a lot of your energy to answering other people's questions.
01:21:44.840
But I wonder, you know, maybe talking to people like Chris Ryan helps you.
01:21:50.780
Do you feel some kind of, like, deep responsibility, the kind of calls that you get, man?
01:21:57.740
How do you balance that with just a real recognition of your own humanness and faults and...
01:22:09.680
...real recognition of your own humanness and faults and...
01:22:24.000
And maybe this is a moment where I, you know, need to say, you know, talk about needing help.
01:22:32.500
Like, I would be lying to you if I tell you we didn't have...
01:22:43.840
And, look, I haven't even gotten to listen to all of them yet.
01:22:51.480
You know, and I don't know if this is a codependency or something that's in me, but I feel...
01:22:59.720
It makes me sad, like, if people are hurting, you know?
01:23:05.260
I don't know if that sounds fucking crazy, bro.
01:23:06.840
And I'm not trying to be, like, a weirdo or anything.
01:23:15.220
And I think it's easier for me probably to relate to young men that are feeling certain types of ways...
01:23:31.840
I've been a late bloomer a lot of things in my life.
01:23:34.580
You know, and a lot of my life I lived in fear.
01:23:36.980
And I feel like I'm starting to get out of that now.
01:23:44.440
I'm going through a lot of phases in my life where I'm learning a lot about myself.
01:23:49.560
I find myself even being more on a quest to learn.
01:23:53.920
Because for the first time in the past two years, I've started to have feelings.
01:24:17.120
This show is just kind of morphed into a place where people can offer suggestions to...
01:24:21.660
...try and help other people through their experience.
01:24:27.260
And I have the idea that, you know, sometimes people can call in.
01:24:31.280
And if they don't feel alone, then that's the first great step.
01:24:45.600
But maybe we'll learn more as this show goes on.
01:24:56.540
I'm glad to know that people out there are feeling.
01:25:04.680
And I think it's the most real thing about ourself.
01:25:12.560
You know, there's just so much shit out here these days.
01:25:31.200
This thing came in from a dude named Benjamin Dust Bear.
01:25:35.680
Hey, this is Benjamin Dust Bear again from Florida.
01:25:42.740
But that D-Beezy boy, that dank gank, that dust bow.
01:26:23.260
Because the old Vaughn's got the drugs in his mind.
01:26:46.340
Yeah, you know, I'm grateful to everybody that's called this week.
01:26:52.180
Maybe we'll do like a more regular episode on Thursday instead of having a guest in on that episode.
01:26:59.900
And I still have to edit this and put it up here.
01:27:09.560
And yeah, I don't know sometimes exactly what we're doing.
01:27:13.140
You know, fuck, I don't know we're fucking doing anything, dude.
01:27:31.000
You know, and we have a lot of templates in our lives that we have to live by.
01:27:49.880
You know, and I'm trying to feel all the fucking feelings, man.
01:28:00.960
Because for me, the best humor comes out of those moments.
01:28:06.040
I think for me, that happened when my dad was so old growing up.
01:28:14.040
Watching, like, a 70-year-old man, 75-year-old man chase you around the house with a belt.
01:28:20.840
You know, and I remember my brother and I would hide under my mother's bed.
01:28:30.460
And, dude, it would take my dad 30 seconds to get, kneel down onto the floor to swing the belt under the bed at us.
01:28:37.180
And it came by at, like, the slowest belt ever.
01:28:55.420
My brother and I are laughing so hard at this man that we love, our father.
01:29:01.340
And at the same time, screaming as if we're getting hit to make him and my mother believe that we were getting spanked.
01:29:13.360
You know, and then my mother never, you know, my father was never allowed to sleep in their room.
01:29:22.340
And so there was just all these weird feelings where there was just, like, so much real shit and so much humor going on at the same time.
01:29:40.660
But, you know, every time a senior citizen goes to sleep, bro, you got that, you know, you got that 9% chance.
01:29:47.780
That they're just going to sleepwalk on up to heaven.
01:29:52.140
I live in this weird, you know, I don't know if I live in this weird world.
01:29:54.800
But I think part of that weird world is inside of me where there's some humor and some reality and they're just friends.
01:30:10.120
But thank you guys so much for getting in touch and for reaching out.
01:30:25.040
And you can really just get it solved and get yourself taken care of so that way you don't infect nobody else.
01:30:30.000
And if you got a baby or you got a, you know, a skinless animal or not skinless, that's the fucking, I bet that taxidermy dude flared up.
01:30:40.860
If you have a hairless animal and they want to, you know, they probably could get herpes easy from you if y'all hugging and fucking kind of, you're not kissing but letting them lick on your face and everything.
01:30:50.060
Some people do that with their animals and that's pretty crazy to me.
01:31:00.000
We made it through this cluster, this cluster fest.
01:31:11.860
But man, can you believe fucking Mickey gets to go skydiving?
01:31:23.320
But yeah, that was a nice thing and this man Sean from Ridge suggested it.
01:31:30.980
He's got them crack addict airbags in his body.
01:31:34.880
Next thing you know, Trick Lung Mickey will be out here in the Tenderloin blowing dudes or even blowing ladies out here.
01:32:42.800
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club.
01:32:48.180
A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
01:33:00.620
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
01:33:18.940
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
01:33:25.020
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
01:33:27.780
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
01:33:34.780
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:33:38.920
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:33:43.160
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
01:33:48.940
And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.