TRIGGERnometry - Dr John Gray： How to Save Your Relationship During Coronavirus Lockdown

00:00:00.000 Hello and welcome to Trigonometry. I'm Francis Foster.

00:00:08.140 I'm Constantine Kissin.

00:00:09.620 And this is the show for you if you want honest conversations with fascinating people.

00:00:15.280 Our brilliant guest this week is one of the world's most renowned relationship experts.

00:00:20.180 He wrote a book a very long time ago and many since called Men Are From Mars, Women Are

00:00:24.960 From Venus, a book that I and my wife personally found very useful. Dr. John Gray, welcome

00:00:29.840 to Trigonometry. Oh, really happy to be with you. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

00:00:34.980 There's really a couple of things we wanted to talk about later in the interview. We want to

00:00:39.240 get onto this time of lockdown with the coronavirus. How do you maintain your

00:00:44.680 relationship? How do you not get divorced in this time and whatever else your personal goals might

00:00:50.100 be? Well, yeah. In China, when people are released, the divorce rate has dramatically

00:00:56.560 gone up because people are confined together. We need our own independence as well as connection.

00:01:04.760 Just as important as connection is, we need separation. And with no separation, it brings

00:01:10.060 up all kinds of issues that are actually will be remedied if we understand the dynamics of how to

00:01:17.000 live in a space and create distance without fights. The arguments serve a purpose. I want to push you

00:01:23.420 away for a while so I can come back to myself. There's other ways to do it without the arguments

00:01:27.960 because that then builds mistrust and that leads to divorce and lack of appreciation.

00:01:32.780 So we're going to get into that today. Yeah, we'd love to get into that towards

00:01:36.140 the second half of the interview. But the first thing, we're called trigonometry because we like

00:01:40.640 to explore controversial and difficult ideas. One of the things that you didn't need perhaps

00:01:46.820 to cover in your first book in 1992, when you talked about the differences between men and

00:01:51.720 women it was probably widely accepted at the time that they exist and one of the things that seems

00:01:56.940 to have happened since is with you know the culture war and everything else that in itself

00:02:01.660 has become a controversial issue and your latest books talk very much about the hormonal differences

00:02:07.160 between men and women the brain differences between men and women so why is it important

00:02:12.500 to recognize those differences and how do you use those to create more harmonious relationships

00:02:17.880 Well, that was a nice review of the last 30 years.

00:02:20.960 I summed it up into one sentence, yeah.

00:02:22.960 Yeah, saving time there.

00:02:26.280 You know, when I started, I started talking about gender differences in 1982, okay?

00:02:32.900 And back then, it was more controversial.

00:02:37.240 You know, you say people understood the differences, but what we had was in 1982, we had the whole

00:02:43.440 eighties, I'm sorry, the whole seventies and sixties to build up this body of knowledge that

00:02:50.480 was starting to say that something's wrong with men. They should be more like women and women

00:02:56.860 should be more like men. And that was what I call radical feminism. You know, I'm a feminist in

00:03:03.820 terms of not radical. I'm for equality. I'm for supporting women tremendously. Women have been

00:03:10.600 majorly supportive of my book. And ironically, when men came out, men started reading this book.

00:03:16.960 What my publishers told me, it's like a phenomena. Men buy your book just as much as women

00:03:21.680 because it supports, you know, men and being okay with themselves, women learning to understand men.

00:03:27.420 So suddenly men are not these bad guys. But when you don't know how to support a man or correctly

00:03:32.120 interpret a man, then what happens is you feel unloved. You feel hurt. You know, the big theme

00:03:38.020 of men are from Mars was we men go to our man cave. You know, that became a national phenomena

00:03:43.560 for men are from Mars is all men have a man cave. And that changed relationships dramatically. Prior

00:03:49.700 to that, after feminism, it was like, if a man's not like a woman wanting to connect all the time,

00:03:55.660 share and open his feelings and so forth, then something's wrong with him. He's dysfunctional.

00:04:01.680 So certainly, this is an interesting thing. Certainly there's some men, just as there's

00:04:05.540 some women who are dysfunctional. I mean, the world is filled with great people and dysfunctional

00:04:09.780 people. But when men need their cave time, it's not dysfunctional. It's just that when women grew

00:04:15.420 up with a father who was dysfunctional, not available, they were so hurt by that, by his

00:04:21.600 mistreatment, as opposed to him needing cave time. Cave time, which is men need to pull away. So

00:04:27.640 really, in the beginning, I had women who would get mad at me and yell and scream at me and interrupt

00:04:34.680 up my seminars with screams. Some men would get, how dare you say this? I'm not going to be like

00:04:41.740 my father and take my cave time. I should always be there for women. So it wasn't just women,

00:04:46.260 but also men. And that's what drove me to find the metaphor of men are from Mars, women are from

00:04:53.240 Venus. Because when you use that metaphor, there's kind of a chuckle. Yeah, where's my husband from?

00:04:58.960 And I remember when I came up with that, it was two years of teaching gender differences

00:05:03.280 when I realized we had got off track.

00:05:06.480 The universities were teaching psychology

00:05:08.660 and there's so many good ideas in psychology,

00:05:11.120 but then it got twisted and it got twisted.

00:05:14.440 There's something wrong with men.

00:05:15.740 We need to change men and we don't understand men,

00:05:18.760 but we think we know what they should be.

00:05:21.080 And men basically don't understand women.

00:05:23.700 We never really have pride in that we do.

00:05:27.080 You know, always in the old days,

00:05:29.000 men go, I don't understand my wife, but I love her, okay?

00:05:31.980 But what I was able to do with Men for Mars is help men to understand women better.

00:05:38.200 This is not about becoming denying who women are.

00:05:41.520 It's understanding them better so I can understand how to provide even more support for women.

00:05:47.240 Because men will give their life for women.

00:05:49.580 You know, that's what we do.

00:05:50.440 We're the soldiers.

00:05:52.040 We're the firemen.

00:05:53.620 We're the guys that go out and do the dirty, difficult, dangerous jobs.

00:05:57.500 That's what men are about.

00:05:58.960 But the problem is when men don't feel appreciated, when there's no parades for the soldiers,

00:06:04.780 you know, when there's no reward clapping for the health care workers right now in my

00:06:09.800 town every night at eight o'clock, all the dogs are barking because all the people are

00:06:14.540 playing loud music and they're cheering and they're making noises.

00:06:18.640 It's appreciating those health care workers.

00:06:21.360 We need to be fed if you're out there taking risks and doing dangerous things.

00:06:26.020 but when men don't feel needed they go down and that's what's happening today is more dysfunctional

00:06:33.360 men primarily just because we're not bringing out the best in them by loving them and appreciating

00:06:39.020 them and see the good in them so we've kind of lost that so when i came out with men from mars

00:06:44.100 i had to find a playful way to do it and people always say you know how did you come up with that

00:06:49.760 idea, a necessity. I prayed. I'm a very spiritual person as well. Every day, help me find a way

00:06:56.160 to present this idea without people taking it personally, without people getting all mad about

00:07:01.180 it, like I'm a sexist or something. And so I was teaching a seminar back in 1983. And I just seen

00:07:10.040 E.T., you know, E.T., extraterrestrial, was in everybody's mind at that time, a huge hit movie.

00:07:15.340 and i was a bunch of women in an audience some men and i uh i said women you have to imagine

00:07:21.160 your husband's et and i was saying that because i wanted them to recognize maybe it's okay for

00:07:28.580 him to eat reese's chocolates because he's from another planet that was the idea is that et would

00:07:34.140 eat reese's chocolates and that's what he needed whereas everybody thinks oh that's bad for you

00:07:39.440 that's bad for you don't give it to him so i was going to make that point i never did because as

00:07:44.660 soon as i said women imagine your husband's et they all broke into laughter and then some woman

00:07:50.720 i think she was drunk she goes where's my where's my husband from and then i said mars and oh they

00:07:59.160 laughed they loved it i went thank you god the hairs on my arms stood stood up i said this is

00:08:05.680 it this is the answer be playful about it that's one of the key things you know when people fall

00:08:10.740 in love they're playful then we get too serious and one of the reasons we get too serious is that

00:08:16.760 our basic needs stop getting met in the beginning we anticipate our basic needs being met we don't

00:08:23.720 have to articulate them we may not even know them you know when you you know part of being a health

00:08:28.520 expert as well is we have all these needs for vitamins and nutrients most people don't know

00:08:34.280 what they need you could have scurvy because you're not getting a vitamin c and you don't know

00:08:39.320 you go why do I have scurvy what my point is when people are unhappy in relationships they really

00:08:44.540 don't know what they need but they think they do you know if you've got scurvy you think oh I need

00:08:49.800 to eat a bunch of sugar that's what I need because sugar feels so good I need more ice cream but if

00:08:54.260 you don't get your vitamin c you'll get a health problem so what I see today is people don't know

00:09:00.540 what they need and so they're looking for the wrong things and why don't we know what we need

00:09:05.420 culture used to teach us but culture can no longer provide what we need or teach us what do we need

00:09:12.600 and how to get it you can't get something else you know you need it because the world has changed so

00:09:17.440 much our needs have changed that's the whole key of my message now beyond Mars and Venus and that's

00:09:23.640 how it's changed with all this gender neutrality we have a greater need to understand our gender

00:09:30.320 differences so that we can give ourselves what we need. And so we can give our partners what they

00:09:35.420 need in order to find the balance of the masculine and feminine inside of us. And John, so we were

00:09:42.260 talking about, well, we touched on the subject of hormones very, very briefly. And you were talking

00:09:47.080 about what happens when men go down. Now I've heard many of your podcasts and I've read a few

00:09:52.860 of your books and what you touch on with hormones is fascinating. Like in particular, what happens

00:09:59.100 So the male body, when it gets to breast, they start to produce estrum, which then starts to produce aggressive behavior.

00:10:05.520 Could you go into that a little bit for us, please?

00:10:07.820 Yes.

00:10:08.260 I love that.

00:10:09.020 That's one of my favorite points in Beyond Mars, Venus, because most people think testosterone, the male hormone, and men have a lot more of it, causes aggression, dysfunctional behavior.

00:10:19.620 Actually, it's the female hormone, estrogen.

00:10:22.500 Any man who's aggressive has high estrogen at that moment and his testosterone levels

00:10:28.440 are going down.

00:10:29.660 And this is the opposite of what most people think.

00:10:32.040 It was Stanford University around 2000, year 2000, they discovered this, but it's still

00:10:38.320 not common knowledge.

00:10:39.500 We still think, oh, masculinity causes dysfunction.

00:10:42.600 Actually, it's when men are not feeling masculine, they're more feminized, that they either,

00:10:47.900 they have this, their testosterone goes down, their estrogen goes up.

00:10:51.660 And when that happens, these are some of the symptoms of it.

00:10:54.680 Aggression is one symptom if we've witnessed aggression as a child.

00:10:58.700 A lot of this is conditioning in the brain.

00:11:00.780 When we go out of balance, we go into fight or flight.

00:11:03.960 If I'm a child and I saw aggression, it goes into my computer, sort of my brain.

00:11:09.040 Then when I'm in fight or flight, I'll go into aggression.

00:11:11.620 If my dad was basically more passive and would sulk and pull away, then I'll sulk and pull away.

00:11:18.100 But these are all imbalances caused by going into fight or flight, and that's a hormonal expression of cortisol. At that time, for men, their estrogen's going up. At that time, for women, their testosterone's going up.

00:11:32.100 So let's look at the foundation, and we can have fun with this, which is men basically need 10 to 30 times more testosterone than a woman to feel love.

00:11:43.780 Okay, that's to feel good, to feel fulfilled, to feel your life has meaning, your testosterone has to be up.

00:11:50.740 Now, your life has to have meaning for your life, for your testosterone to go up.

00:11:54.720 But we have this biological difference. When I solve your problem, when I do something, get paid for it, when I do something and people applaud, when I do something and I save someone's life, that's a meaning on my masculine side, my testosterone will go up. I made a difference. Okay, I made a difference. If a woman is making a difference in her body, she makes testosterone as well. And testosterone feels good to both men and women, but it doesn't lower stress for women.

00:12:23.500 what lowers stress for women is estrogen or progesterone these are these two female hormones

00:12:30.040 and what helps her find that balance is another hormone called oxytocin we'll talk more about

00:12:35.580 those hormones but these will just say for now feminine hormones masculine hormone and when we

00:12:41.220 have well-being those hormones are in balance but when women today are doing traditional male jobs

00:12:47.900 and i'm not against that in any way i'm not saying they shouldn't when they're doing their

00:12:52.300 traditional male jobs, they have to know they're producing testosterone, and they're not making

00:12:56.900 enough female hormones unless they have a personal life that stimulates more estrogen, more progesterone

00:13:05.140 than their ancestors. So we have to change a whole new dynamic. How can women produce more estrogen

00:13:11.020 progesterone if most of the day they're making testosterone? And that's what my message is,

00:13:16.460 is how can women come back to their female side? And men, we have a challenge. You know,

00:13:21.660 when I was growing up, growing up in the fifties, I saw my dad going to work every day. I don't know

00:13:27.640 what he did, but I knew that one day I was going to have to make all this money in order to support

00:13:32.360 a family. And that, that was a pressure on me, but I had a role model who taught me, I can do it.

00:13:38.200 You can do it. Before I remember that pressure. Oh my God, I'm going to have to do that. Even

00:13:42.220 watching him shave. I remember how do I, how do I do that? But when you have a role model,

00:13:46.680 then you have confidence, confidence in men and in women increases testosterone. So the

00:13:52.920 testosterone goes up, then you have the power and the energy to accomplish and achieve. But what

00:13:59.440 motivates men is the fire, there has to be a fire to put out, there has to be a problem to solve,

00:14:05.340 there has to be a person in need in order to help them. Well, it used to be that women needed men.

00:14:11.560 so if a woman was dependent on a man his testosterone will grow up that's how my

00:14:17.240 testosterone grew up if i want to be successful in the world and have a family and have a woman

00:14:21.140 love me boy i need to get it together so that's motivation men need motivation to feel needed

00:14:28.640 and if women don't need men what i'm in for i don't need a man so many women today they can't

00:14:34.360 fall in love because they don't feel they need a man and they just their hormones are out of

00:14:39.820 balance. Because when testosterone goes up, you go, I don't need anybody. I can do it myself.

00:14:45.200 And if you feel that as a man, you feel quite good about yourself. But almost every woman for

00:14:51.180 40 years that I've been counseling, almost every woman when she's unhappy, one of the first things

00:14:56.980 she says as I explore her feelings and what's going on and help her to express herself is,

00:15:03.020 I do so much. There's no time. I have to do it all myself. I'm all by myself. My husband

00:15:09.360 ignores me he or if she's single i just have to do everything myself that is a major source of

00:15:16.160 stress for women because when you feel i have to do it myself nobody's going to do it for me

00:15:20.320 testosterone goes up when you feel and this is sociology teaches this now when you're dependent

00:15:27.480 on someone your estrogen goes up that's the magic hormone for women for women to actually have an

00:15:34.340 orgasm, their estrogen levels have to double, become 20 times higher than a man's estrogen

00:15:40.480 levels. Do you mind if I just take notes at this point, John? You have Francis full and undivided

00:15:46.900 attention. Exactly. Well, that's what I do in my talks. I see the men sort of wavering off. I say,

00:15:52.400 now if women have an orgasm, it is true for women to want sex. See, so many men complain,

00:15:58.420 my wife doesn't want sex. My wife doesn't want sex. Now, I know there's many women listening

00:16:02.720 And they're going, well, my husband used to want sex.

00:16:06.560 He doesn't want sex anymore.

00:16:08.080 And I'll tell you why.

00:16:09.140 One of the reasons he doesn't want sex anymore is because you're not having the orgasms of

00:16:14.400 happiness and joy.

00:16:15.820 And you're remembering those moments when you did have sex and you felt so good.

00:16:20.480 And so when you say, I want to have sex and he doesn't, actually what you want is to feel

00:16:24.960 those feelings that he generates in you.

00:16:27.680 Because for a woman to double her estrogen levels, it takes a man.

00:16:31.600 okay or she's gay it takes a skilled gay partner to take her to that level of doubling her estrogen

00:16:38.760 levels but even with gay couples you know i live in the bay area san francisco gays i have lots of

00:16:46.100 i don't have lots but i have some clients and so forth very common what's very common is a lack

00:16:52.460 of polarity so let me start with polarity creates attraction opposites create attraction

00:16:58.180 sameness creates harmony so what you want to have is relatedness harmony but also you have to have

00:17:06.180 differences that fit together and when couples lose their attraction often they've given up

00:17:12.700 their authentic self okay that's very important men have stopped being masculine they're not

00:17:18.200 making enough testosterone because for a man to be turned on his testosterone to his wife

00:17:24.160 his testosterone levels have to go all the way up to normal and then they have to double

00:17:29.640 to fully last a long time in sex if his testosterone doesn't double he's like the one minute guy okay

00:17:36.900 but if he's got testosterone doubles he's like the 10 minute intercourse guy sometimes 20 minutes

00:17:42.840 and of course for fun you go for 10 hours okay that's control if you can do that but most men

00:17:49.120 can't i don't teach how to do that but what you just got double that testosterone is where you

00:17:53.740 fully feel surrendered to her you are no longer attached to ejaculating okay because men go oh i

00:18:02.340 want to come i want to come i don't want to come i want to last longer oh but i want to come so

00:18:06.680 what happens we lose control it takes high testosterone in order to maintain that but

00:18:12.680 here's the rub the more you love a woman your estrogen levels go higher love is estrogen you

00:18:19.460 see for you to feel i need you that's estrogen so it's a woman's fault basically john

00:18:26.060 well you gotta have skill as a man to help bring her higher and then when she goes higher she

00:18:32.660 brings you higher it's reciprocal so yeah we could say it's her fault but she could say it's our fault

00:18:38.080 but john one of the things i'm hearing kind of as a broad thing behind everything you're saying is

00:18:46.320 it's it has become due to the changes in the world it has become harder for men to be happy

00:18:51.620 and it has become harder for women to be happy is that fair to say yes a good summary and this is

00:18:57.440 kind of the explanation why it's harder for couples to be happier and why it's harder for

00:19:03.700 couples to stay attracted to each other now the truth is now we go back to more traditional

00:19:09.900 relationships where the culture said men should only do testosterone things women should do estrogen

00:19:15.220 things. Those couples also ran out of passion. They ran out of passion because they didn't have

00:19:22.740 the higher needs that I'm about to talk about. Okay. Because when you want to maintain passion,

00:19:29.840 like right now, you see the passion coming out of me because I'm expressing my authentic self.

00:19:36.000 I'm expressing both parts of me. My masculine side, I'm skilled. I'm disciplined. I've worked

00:19:42.220 really hard to know what I know. I'm confident I'm making a difference. All those things pump

00:19:47.960 up my testosterone. I also have complete trust and relaxation and I'm happy. And also I appreciate

00:19:55.020 you guys are letting me talk. So that's my estrogen goes up. I love what I do and I do it

00:20:01.020 well. That means testosterone goes up and estrogen goes up. And that is a higher need gets produced

00:20:08.800 is the need to self-actualize

00:20:10.720 and selfless service to the world.

00:20:13.460 Or it starts with selfless service to your wife,

00:20:16.600 which is what you get a glimpse of

00:20:18.500 when you propose to her.

00:20:20.420 What happens when you propose?

00:20:22.200 A woman glows with love.

00:20:23.520 Francis, pay attention at this point, man.

00:20:26.440 He's been putting it off for years.

00:20:31.060 The most masculine thing at that moment

00:20:33.800 where a man proposes,

00:20:35.500 this is so interesting.

00:20:36.600 What is the tradition?

00:20:37.420 the man kneels before her see that's where you honor the woman you're kneeling you're selfless

00:20:44.760 basically you're saying i serve you and what is the greatest moment in sex you know i used to

00:20:50.080 teach these just i still do seminars on sex and what we did back back in the in the early uh late

00:20:57.180 70s when i taught sex before gender difference what happened then is i just had a lot of sex

00:21:04.140 but I used to interview women before I'd have sex.

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00:21:39.740 Mate, this has gone in a completely different direction than I expected it to.

00:21:44.240 Carry on, John.

00:21:47.560 Okay, I'll tell you something very funny.

00:21:49.280 You might joke on this.

00:21:50.400 I was a monk for nine years, purely celibate.

00:21:53.380 And then I started teaching classes on sex.

00:21:56.360 And you go, how does a monk teach classes on sex?

00:21:58.660 I love sex.

00:22:00.360 I was very active sexually as a teenager.

00:22:02.380 then the beetles got into meditation so they're like my role model so i got into meditation

00:22:08.280 became a monk very spiritual i love it i still meditate every day i love it love it love it

00:22:13.080 but during those days of celibacy never never masturbated for nine years in my 20s what yeah

00:22:20.640 you can do that you can learn to do that yeah francis yes francis it's possible just because

00:22:28.120 you got a big erection doesn't mean you got to release it you celebrate it but you don't release

00:22:33.840 that energy then the energy goes up into your brain you have these spiritual experiences but

00:22:39.400 then when I left being a monk my brother was bipolar so I needed to like study psychology

00:22:43.760 meditation didn't help him so I felt I can't be so happy if my brother's suffering so anyway so I

00:22:50.300 left being a monk came out in the world studied psychology and then of course if you haven't had

00:22:55.520 sex in nine years. All you think about is sex. So I had one woman after another woman after another

00:23:01.900 one. It was so much fun for me. I traveled around my little car spending the night with women. I'd

00:23:07.300 read their palm. And then I'd say, you know, I've been a monk for nine years. And I really need to

00:23:12.280 understand sex. Would you teach me? So because I was a monk, I had permission to ask and women

00:23:18.400 would tell me all these things. And every woman, not every woman, but almost every woman had a

00:23:22.960 different story. Women have different needs. They have this, they have that. And men don't

00:23:27.860 understand all the possibilities in order to bring a woman higher because men just grab it

00:23:32.940 and he's done. Okay. So it's so complicated for us. Okay. So now I'm like teaching these classes

00:23:41.540 on sex that led me to teaching the Mars Venus ideas because you can't maintain the passion

00:23:48.060 unless you have the differences. But in the beginning of a relationship, you don't have

00:23:52.740 to understand differences to feel passion what happens is the newness because somebody is new

00:23:59.020 and it's a challenge and you don't know what's going to happen what's it going to be like how

00:24:03.120 are they going to respond what what will happen that newness and uncertainty generates if it's

00:24:08.640 sexual generates massive amounts of dopamine that's pleasure dopamine motivation and passion

00:24:15.880 but then if you love a woman and she loves you harmony starts to set in and then you have

00:24:23.200 predictability and you have comfort you have ease relaxation that lowers your dopamine so what

00:24:31.120 keeps your dopamine up is testosterone and gender differences because if you're not pumping up your

00:24:38.720 testosterone and you're more estrogen you won't be attracted to your partner now here's they're

00:24:43.600 also very funny is because some men say, yeah, I'm not turned on my wife, but I have no problem

00:24:48.240 with sex. I'm having it every day online. And I say, yeah, because when you have sex online,

00:24:53.340 you're producing massive amounts of dopamine. And actually the sad news is all these teenagers

00:24:59.160 masturbating to internet porn all the time. It's addictive, which means it desensitizes the brain

00:25:05.760 to making more dopamine. So what happens then is you depend on the high dopamine stimulation of

00:25:12.940 fantasy and digital stimulation and normal stimulation with a woman that you care about

00:25:19.120 it doesn't produce enough dopamine so actually what we're seeing i predicted 20 years ago as

00:25:24.840 we came online with porn you're going to see men at 20 years old and this is happening now

00:25:30.900 can't stay turned on to their partner once they get to know her and some men just if you talk to

00:25:36.560 me. I can't get turned on. Don't speak. Then I can get turned on. But to actually have real

00:25:42.700 relatedness, caring, sharing, affection, that stimulates estrogen. So if you're a low testosterone

00:25:50.300 guy and you love someone, you lose your attraction to them. So you have to maintain this gender

00:25:56.160 difference. And we know biologically that for women to be turned on to a man, her estrogen

00:26:02.240 has to be 20 times higher than his okay she has to shoot up with this high level of estrogen

00:26:08.760 and of the normal estrogen levels of a man then he has to double his testosterone to be

00:26:17.000 or multi-orgasmic with her to experience fantastic falling in love orgasm which is possible but it

00:26:23.340 takes the interaction of taking a person and this is what's good i love my message because

00:26:28.800 we have to let go of the idea that our partner makes us unhappy. You know, if we're in the

00:26:34.160 workplace and you're failing, whose fault is that? Yours. You can't just keep blaming the

00:26:39.760 government and blaming other people. You will lose. You won't succeed. Winners, if you achieve

00:26:45.820 your goals, it's because when things aren't working, you go, how can I make it work? What

00:26:49.860 can I do? And when I teach classes on success, everybody goes, yeah, who's responsible? Yeah.

00:26:54.900 And then I said, but then you get married, you come into the counselor's office, who's

00:26:58.560 responsible?

00:27:00.440 Always point the finger.

00:27:03.500 And what that does, what that does is it takes away our ability to self-reflect and change

00:27:11.680 what we're doing.

00:27:12.980 But the truth is, it's like an automatic thing that we're going to blame because we just

00:27:17.220 don't understand why is this not working?

00:27:19.440 It's like what you said in the beginning, people just aren't happy.

00:27:22.640 The attraction goes away.

00:27:23.860 what is happening because they feel inside them that i want this to happen it can happen and of

00:27:31.060 course we see it in the movies but it's unrealistic to experience a lifetime of passion unless we're

00:27:36.300 able to embrace both the masculine and feminine sides of us and that's the good news about all

00:27:42.720 this gender neutrality is the younger generation and the world due to all the changes is allowing

00:27:49.100 women to be more masculine that pushes men into becoming more feminine so we're waking up to both

00:27:55.080 our male and female sides but the problem is when women go over the masculine they get stuck over

00:28:01.340 there and that then pauses a man to get stuck over on his feminine side because what are the

00:28:06.400 symptoms of high estrogen in men grumpy irritable passive angry defensive argumentative and so

00:28:15.440 Sounds like me, John.

00:28:18.120 And all our viewers would agree with that.

00:28:23.480 It's not the best side of us men, is it?

00:28:26.920 There's nothing wrong with feeling love and emotions when they're positive.

00:28:30.460 But when men start having negative emotions, then what happens is you can measure in their

00:28:36.480 body when they have negative emotions, cortisol is being produced, adrenaline starts, and

00:28:41.700 then cortisol gets produced.

00:28:43.420 Their estrogen levels are going higher.

00:28:45.080 their testosterone is going low so this is literally learning to balance everything now

00:28:49.780 is about balancing the masculine with the feminine and you know there's some really wonderful speakers

00:28:54.440 out there and i'm thinking of one and she says you know women we're always trying to balance

00:28:59.340 our life women hear about all the time trying to balance just let go of it you can't balance it

00:29:04.520 just go with the flow don't you just can't find it and i go yes you can find balance if you know

00:29:09.740 the opposite of what you're doing is actually something that will work for you but it doesn't

00:29:14.540 feel natural. You see, if I go off sugar or high desserts or ice cream, ice cream just makes me

00:29:20.400 fat, but I love it. So I don't eat it. Okay. Unless I get really skinny, then I'll, in one

00:29:25.440 day I can gain 10 pounds eating some ice cream. It's just my physiology. But boy, does it feel

00:29:31.000 right. It feels so good. The things that are wrong for us often feel so good. And that's where we

00:29:37.280 get, it doesn't, it feels so natural to eat ice cream. Just give me my ice cream. It feels so

00:29:41.800 good drug addicts oh drinking so much this is so natural but then it throws you out of balance

00:29:47.280 so generally the things that put you out of balance feel natural and the things that will

00:29:52.080 put you in balance you resist and you go that's not me i don't feel it i don't want to do it

00:29:57.660 so i tell women one of the best ways to produce estrogen is to feel love well i can't feel that

00:30:03.360 i'm mad at him okay then what you have to do is feel your emotions if you feel your emotions you

00:30:08.320 begin to feel again and then as you feel through your emotions you come back to feeling your love

00:30:13.800 again but it takes time for women women process stress and being out of balance by building up

00:30:20.460 their estrogen and what does it is talking about what you feel basically becoming naked if a woman

00:30:26.700 you know if a woman becomes naked a man gets turned on but the reality if a man's a good listener

00:30:31.640 and creates safety for a woman she wants to get naked otherwise she don't want to get naked

00:30:36.840 Well, sharing your emotions is a higher level of nakedness.

00:30:40.640 It's revealing what's inside of me.

00:30:43.720 But often what's inside of her at the surface is anger at him.

00:30:47.980 He's not going to hear that.

00:30:49.120 He's going to put your clothes back on.

00:30:50.660 I don't want to see that.

00:30:52.180 Turn out the lights here.

00:30:53.340 I don't want to see that.

00:30:54.740 Okay, so she's got to process her emotions to increase estrogen, which is authenticity

00:31:00.240 of what's inside has to come out and be accepted, be understood, be felt someone has to empathize.

00:31:06.840 so women have to learn to get in touch with their feelings and share it with somebody who relates to

00:31:12.380 it instead of gets defensive women will complain all the time my husband can't hear me my husband

00:31:17.300 can't hear me they come to me for counseling after a while they feel so good they just because i can

00:31:22.940 listen and whatever and empathize and they come back again and again after about six sessions

00:31:27.640 they say why is it that you are such a good listener my husband doesn't and can't i said

00:31:32.720 three reasons one all your complaints are not about me if your complaints were about me i would

00:31:39.600 be defensive anytime you complain to a man his testosterone goes down his estrogen goes up he

00:31:45.260 wants to get on fight or flight so first of all your complaints are not about me second you pay

00:31:52.260 me what payment do you give your husband and by the way what is the payment that men need at home

00:31:58.240 your love your acceptance your appreciation and also taking off your clothes okay all those things

00:32:04.700 is like I score that's this big time then so I get paid you're not complaining about me and also

00:32:11.920 I know there's a time limit that's the most important one you saved it for last yeah if

00:32:20.920 women can learn these things uh men can practically hear anything if you start out maybe even have a

00:32:26.760 complain about him that's hard for men to learn in the beginning so but you have to always come

00:32:32.140 from a place of love if you're not coming from a place of love nobody's going to hear you that's

00:32:37.040 it and as a man you can't hear a woman unless you're coming from a place of love and certainly

00:32:42.280 you shouldn't be talking because when men talk when they're not coming from a place of hormonal

00:32:47.260 balance and their heart is open the same thing how hormonal balance means your heart is open

00:32:51.640 if you're talking when you're angry biologically what happens man your estrogen goes up

00:32:57.780 stop talking and if you're a good listener listening is actually the most masculine thing

00:33:03.640 you can do now let me just point that out when you listen you're penetrating into her that's

00:33:09.920 what sex is very masculine thing erection when you are when you learn wow if i can just listen

00:33:15.940 and not talk i'm going to get an erection i'm going to give her an orgasm because when you

00:33:20.100 penetrate that's very masculine and so what he's doing by being a good listener he's building his

00:33:25.940 testosterone which allows her to go to her estrogen side and testosterone always wants to create

00:33:32.680 safety always wants to serve and eventually when it goes really high it becomes totally no self

00:33:40.100 now see as a yogi or meditator for me the highest state or not the highest but one of the higher

00:33:47.240 states you get to is there's no self first you think you know the self which is the soul which

00:33:52.840 is eternal okay oh that's the self then who's this guy with this body who's this mind that's

00:33:59.020 a no self that's not me that's just the programming and who was behind here is the soul that lives on

00:34:05.020 and on and on this is just one life for that that's what you learn when you experience those

00:34:10.180 things when you meditate 50 years okay so uh you know i teach meditation but there's basic levels

00:34:17.240 and i'll just toss in here for all the people who've tried meditation because it's so popular

00:34:21.660 now uh it's so popular now people try it and then they go i'm so bored i'm so bored i'm just

00:34:29.520 i'm just sitting there trying to have no thoughts or i'm so bored i'm just looking at my breathing

00:34:34.740 and it's so boring well guess what for most people they're too advanced to do that let me

00:34:39.420 just say that again they're too advanced to do the common meditation techniques see we've gotten

00:34:45.000 to a higher level when you can both be on your masculine feminine sides you just have to bring

00:34:49.740 them into balance meditation the old techniques of meditation are particularly designed simply

00:34:56.420 to calm the primitive brain when you notice your breathing or you practice breathing then what

00:35:02.640 you're doing is connecting the front part of your brain to the instinctive part of your brain which

00:35:07.540 does these things automatically but that's just the beginning and so let's say you're in first

00:35:12.420 grade or you're a little kid and you're learning mathematics one plus one is two one plus one is

00:35:17.740 two apple a p p l e you do that it's very exciting it's all new it's challenging but then it become

00:35:24.900 boring after a while you got to go to the next level you know you got to get the algebra you

00:35:29.500 know you get to the higher levels even for some people get the calculus you go amazing problem i

00:35:34.340 can solve this you know the higher levels if you're not getting if you're not challenged you'll

00:35:39.280 become bored so we have to really upgrade our meditation skills we have to upgrade our

00:35:44.460 relationship skills because we're in a new world now so what do women need us for because remember

00:35:49.720 women if you don't need a man you're not going to be turned on to him you got to feel and of course

00:35:55.460 all these sensitive guys we're always worrying about what you think and feel and then what you

00:36:00.860 say what do you think and feel that we talk about our feelings and then she gets turned off to us

00:36:05.520 and we think we're doing what everybody says you should do i'm not against men talking about their

00:36:10.000 positive feelings and i'm not against men sharing their feelings it may be frustration and

00:36:14.660 disappointment concerns but only after a woman comes back to feeling her heart is open otherwise

00:36:20.900 when men get too estrogen oriented women start feeling like your mother and then they resent

00:36:26.720 being your mother because you're supposed to be my husband. And do you find that what we are now

00:36:32.340 experiencing, John, because of the culture that we have, in particular, the culture wars is actually

00:36:38.120 men being told that somehow masculinity is wrong. It's wrong to be a man is wrong to embrace

00:36:44.900 traditional male values, which then makes men unhappy, which then impacts on relationships.

00:36:50.360 Absolutely. And what gets reinforced, because we don't have love for men as a culture, embracing, understanding and appreciating men. And let me say, that is a reaction from femininity, because men have not embraced femininity.

00:37:08.200 women have been on a downslide for a long time in the past where you know if she was a homemaker

00:37:13.760 and she raised her children men did not respect that it's suddenly when men started making money

00:37:18.400 for what they do then suddenly if I make more money I'm better man than you okay that's the

00:37:24.180 men go in the hierarchy and then suddenly we look put that on the woman so she's at home with her

00:37:29.180 children this is back in those days and she's like needing to share because she feels ignored

00:37:34.340 and neglected because he's working all the time to make more money and then she gets upset he says

00:37:39.220 well you don't do anything i do the big stuff i'm more important than you who are you to complain

00:37:44.460 why aren't you happy you have more things than other women you should be happy that's why you

00:37:49.460 get rich people are so so unhappy because the man often thinks not always but often thinks

00:37:55.180 you have no right to be unhappy you have no right to complain about things because look out of your

00:38:00.840 life we have so much more what's wrong with you and what men men don't understand how putting down

00:38:08.660 how disrespectful that is to her so women have lost respect uh over after a while the whole

00:38:16.180 thing went downhill once men started making money then because money said you have more value more

00:38:21.300 value women lost respect then women said i want respect because they need respect so if men are

00:38:28.100 getting respect for making money, then I'm going to go make money. That elevated the whole

00:38:32.880 consciousness to where women are saying, I can be masculine just like you. But the problem that

00:38:38.860 goes with that is, oh, I forgot how to be feminine. How to have both at the same time is our new

00:38:44.840 challenge today. And one of the benefits of that is self-actualization, which means, well, one of

00:38:50.740 the big benefits of it is you don't get divorced. You can have an intact family. You know, you

00:38:55.840 mentioned that you know we've made men wrong well also what what happens besides making men wrong

00:39:02.520 is little boys grow up what's it like to be a man and their fathers are gone because when you make

00:39:08.400 men wrong you have more divorce when you have more divorce you have boys growing up without fathers

00:39:15.260 in most cases the majority the father and not because the father doesn't want to take care of

00:39:20.120 the child. Sometimes that's the case. But the majority of it in our court system today, there's

00:39:26.240 a bias. The mother always gets the young child. Teenagers is discussed, but the young child,

00:39:32.060 the mother gets the child. There's a bias as opposed to what I think it should be is equal

00:39:37.900 time and embracing both sides. And for parents to know that if you're unhappy with your partner,

00:39:44.580 you're hurting your children. Whether you're divorced or single, if you're unhappy with your

00:39:49.460 problem. What a boy learns, if a father says bad things about the mother, then he learns, oh,

00:39:56.660 women are not worthy of my respect and my love, so I don't care. If a little girl or a boy grows

00:40:02.820 up and the mother badmouths the father, which the research show women do six times more than men,

00:40:09.800 and that's because they need to express how they feel more of the time than men,

00:40:13.200 but when she expresses their complaints about her husband, negative feelings, what is a boy going to

00:40:18.000 hear. Well, if I'm like my dad, I'm a bad person. I should be more like my mom. And there's a lot

00:40:23.440 of qualities of masculinity that often get judged as dysfunction, and they're not. For example,

00:40:29.540 simple ideas. Men need their cave time. He needs to be close, then he needs to pull away.

00:40:35.880 Men don't like it when you tell him what to do. And women say, well, he needs to know what to do.

00:40:40.760 I need to tell him what to do. I say, no, you don't. You complain, you want to change him.

00:40:45.160 that doesn't work. You can't do that if you want amazing sex and a great relationship in a long

00:40:49.700 time. Well, how do I get more if I want more? You learn how to open your heart, give him what he

00:40:54.520 needs, then ask for more in small increments, just like you would do in a business. You wouldn't ask

00:41:00.620 for a massive raise. You wouldn't say, oh, I feel so hurt if you don't double my salary. You'd ask

00:41:05.220 for increments. Okay. It's a gradual process. Everything is gradual, but women don't understand

00:41:10.900 the psychology of men men don't understand the psychology of women it's you know in the beginning

00:41:16.380 of a relationship what happens is men naturally do the things that win a woman over and what are

00:41:25.120 those natural things we do in the beginning listen to a little stuff little stuff you hold her hand

00:41:31.520 we stroke her hair we tell her how pretty she is we call her you know we think about her all these

00:41:38.400 little things actually stimulate estrogen then we get married and then we do the big thing i go to

00:41:45.080 work i support my family i'm gonna work hard and we think because i do that i don't need to do the

00:41:50.960 little things but what we don't understand as men is that for estrogen if you're an estrogen being

00:41:56.840 little things are just as important as big things so it's not how big it is it's how many little

00:42:03.420 things you do along with occasional big things big things are nice without a doubt it's special

00:42:08.060 is glorious. That's basically on my anniversary, on my wife's birthday, New Year's holidays. You

00:42:14.920 give a lot of extra attention to a woman. She feels so special. But what keeps her feeling love

00:42:20.560 is lots of little things that you did in the beginning. And every man can do it. If you've

00:42:24.600 got a wife, you figured it out. You just didn't know you figured it out because you weren't doing

00:42:29.220 yet the big stuff. So the logic, and of course, women, think about how you were in the beginning

00:42:34.960 of the relationship when he did little things you were so appreciative of it but after a while

00:42:40.360 he does romantic gestures and because you're maybe doing his laundry or picking up after him

00:42:45.340 and then he takes you out to dinner you go well he should take me out to dinner i do his laundry

00:42:49.520 you know women start to take men for granted men start to take women for granted particularly

00:42:54.800 because we don't understand our vulnerabilities our sensitivities and our basic hormonal needs

00:43:01.260 and to summarize hormonal needs.

00:43:04.440 And this is, I love this.

00:43:05.940 You know, in Minute from Mars,

00:43:06.920 I wrote what men need most is to feel appreciated,

00:43:10.600 to feel accepted, not trying to change them

00:43:12.940 and trusted that they're doing their best

00:43:15.040 and they're there for you.

00:43:16.580 Okay, and what are the things women do wrong all the time?

00:43:19.860 As soon as a man's late, she goes,

00:43:21.240 oh, I can't trust him.

00:43:22.200 I can't trust him.

00:43:23.760 As soon as a man makes mistakes,

00:43:25.420 oh, you should change.

00:43:26.600 You did that.

00:43:27.320 She reminds us of what we do

00:43:29.220 and tries to change what we do.

00:43:31.240 And then he does stuff for her and she goes, yeah, but I do more stuff for you.

00:43:37.540 So he doesn't feel appreciated.

00:43:40.260 Appreciation, acceptance, and trust are the major testosterone producers.

00:43:45.880 And what's ironic is that women are always saying, I don't feel appreciated.

00:43:49.920 Well, when you say, I don't feel appreciated, how do you think he feels?

00:43:52.800 He feels like, boy, have I really failed.

00:43:55.220 He needs the vitamin appreciation more than her.

00:43:59.220 She needs it.

00:43:59.960 but he needs it more and I promise you if you appreciate a man a lot he will really appreciate

00:44:06.580 you more that's the key feed him what he needs and it brings forth his best self and naturally

00:44:13.120 he will begin to do the things that feed her now what are the things that feed estrogen

00:44:19.120 there's a really amazing thing is that when you demonstrate I care I'm considered of your needs

00:44:26.460 of your wishes. I care about you. Caring, and this is a little foreign to many men,

00:44:33.740 a real experience of caring is if you've got a new car and somebody dents the side of it when

00:44:40.120 you park it, you come back and your reaction is, oh, my car. That's feeling the pain of something.

00:44:47.960 That's what caring is, one part of caring and wanting to protect, wanting to carry. I remember

00:44:53.120 when my wife, we bought these expensive plates and I would take them out of the dishwasher. And she

00:44:57.980 said, no, no, no, John, this is how you hold the plates like a little baby. So I realized, okay,

00:45:05.080 that's caring. You know, I didn't learn so much about caring because when I grew up, there was

00:45:09.480 six boys in my family. And I remember visiting my mother and, you know, after I made some money,

00:45:15.320 whatever, I went back home and said, mom, you still have these green plastic plates from childhood.

00:45:20.060 you should get some nice plates i'll buy you nice plates she said oh no i don't need it i said why

00:45:24.800 did you have such cheap plates she said when you've got six boys they're going to drop those

00:45:29.340 plates you need plastic plates so so that basically if you want if you want the sensitivities of a

00:45:35.840 woman to come out you have to demonstrate caring it's expensive china it's called cherishing

00:45:41.860 sensitivity consideration so every act of caring is going to produce estrogen every act of

00:45:49.220 understanding. That's why women would complain in the 90s. I did this from listening to women's

00:45:54.180 complaints. What are they really missing? They feel he doesn't care about me. He doesn't listen

00:45:58.120 to me. Women need to be seen and heard and understood. That's such an important thing.

00:46:03.700 If I can share how I feel inside, then my estrogen goes up. That's talking about your feelings and

00:46:11.300 having somebody empathize with you. That's why men, you already have too much estrogen. Don't

00:46:15.980 talk about your feelings to a woman. Talk to guys about it. Let them laugh at you. Yeah,

00:46:20.960 get over it. Big deal. Make fun of it. And if it's really a big loss, feel empathy. And certainly

00:46:25.640 there's times when it's a big problem, then it's appropriate. But for little problems, you know,

00:46:31.680 your wife said this, you do this, you share what happened and then you share accountability. How

00:46:36.200 did I, how did I miss? What did I do wrong? What was the foolish thing I did? Be light about it.

00:46:41.020 men need to lighten up women need to go deep then they lighten up when men can be light about it

00:46:46.620 then they can go deeper so women what the third one women need trust i mean women need his caring

00:46:52.960 women need understanding and here's the big one that i talked about in the early this is why

00:46:57.640 there's so many problems from our history that we're trying to fix is women need respect you

00:47:03.480 know when you when you look at all the books even the christian books which talk about love they

00:47:08.720 always say, you respect the man. The man needs respect. Yeah. If you agree with the man, if you

00:47:14.540 serve the man, he'll be great, but he'll be selfish. Selflessness is masculinity. So when men

00:47:20.920 learn to respect women and treat them as equals, and even more than equals sometimes, that's

00:47:26.420 respecting, that's esteeming, that's honoring. So what does a man do when he proposes to a woman?

00:47:32.960 We're back to that one.

00:47:33.980 He kneels.

00:47:35.440 Francis, pay attention.

00:47:37.740 Pay attention.

00:47:40.180 This is bullying now.

00:47:42.860 John approved of it.

00:47:44.640 He said that I should make fun of you.

00:47:46.620 That's what he said.

00:47:47.900 That's right.

00:47:48.640 That's what men do.

00:47:49.600 We make fun of each other.

00:47:50.980 Don't do it around women, though.

00:47:52.400 They think, oh, you're being so mean to each other.

00:47:54.480 You're so hurtful.

00:47:55.640 That's the first thing my wife taught me.

00:47:57.260 I hate your sense of humor.

00:47:58.980 And then I felt like, what, I can't be funny around you?

00:48:01.780 And she says, no.

00:48:02.840 And she got out of the car and walked away.

00:48:05.200 I went, no, no, okay, okay.

00:48:06.580 But inside I felt like, what, I can't be myself around you?

00:48:10.260 Then I realized we all have parts of ourselves

00:48:13.380 that are appropriate to share with our partners.

00:48:16.100 Parts of ourselves that are not appropriate.

00:48:18.360 I have plenty of male friends.

00:48:19.700 I can be as funny as I want.

00:48:21.020 I can be as light as I want.

00:48:22.280 I can be as cynical as I want.

00:48:24.360 It's just, they understand instinctively

00:48:26.580 because I lighten up things that way.

00:48:29.180 Whereas women, you can't do that with them

00:48:31.320 when they're upset.

00:48:31.960 And that's one of our big mistakes, again, is when she's talking, we want to laugh at her.

00:48:37.580 Oh, that's no big deal.

00:48:39.180 Why are you feeling that way?

00:48:40.740 That's silly.

00:48:41.520 That's ridiculous.

00:48:42.200 Oh, come on.

00:48:43.000 Are you kidding?

00:48:43.980 That's a big deal to you?

00:48:45.520 The sensitivities they have are different.

00:48:48.060 And some women have toughened up, you know, and their husbands are more sensitive.

00:48:51.580 What that means is they're out of balance.

00:48:54.620 She needs to come back.

00:48:56.240 He needs to come back, toughen up.

00:48:58.680 And then he can be on his female side.

00:49:00.460 You know, I'm not like all like men should be stoic and never have feelings.

00:49:04.060 It's when a woman is expressing her feelings.

00:49:06.520 If you can not get defensive, if you can not take it personally, which means if she's upset

00:49:13.300 today, that means she's saying I failed her.

00:49:16.180 Even if she says I failed her, it doesn't mean I failed her inside.

00:49:20.520 I know it's her job to be happy.

00:49:22.740 But if I listen to her, I'm helping her to be happy.

00:49:25.280 And then she can remember all the good things I do and she'll be happier.

00:49:30.300 It's our job to be happy.

00:49:32.360 And then if we can find our happiness, certainly as partners, we cannot make it worse.

00:49:37.300 And that's the problem.

00:49:38.240 Men unknowingly make it worse.

00:49:40.780 We don't realize women are these different beings and they require a different kind of

00:49:44.820 support.

00:49:45.740 And that's the lack of respect for women.

00:49:49.160 Respect stimulates estrogen.

00:49:51.940 Respect creates safety.

00:49:53.780 and that's why this understanding that came around 15 years ago oxytocin is a hormone of touch when

00:50:02.500 you when a woman gets dressed up and you go oh you look so beautiful tonight right away oxytocin

00:50:08.160 gets produced if you hold her hand just for 10 seconds not the whole evening you know it's like

00:50:13.060 a little boy walking across the street just 10 seconds put your arm around her just 10 seconds

00:50:17.540 you don't have to do it you know your arm gets really tired how long do i have to do this i don't

00:50:22.000 wanted to feel rejected when i go away is that that's oxytocin too much oxytocin in men actually

00:50:28.300 lowers your testosterone that's why men don't instinctively cuddle after having sex after sex

00:50:35.480 we have a huge release of oxytocin which lowers our testosterone which causes us to pull away

00:50:41.800 so naturally you want to pull away and why do you want to pull away because pulling away

00:50:47.280 separateness creates testosterone connection creates estrogen and yes i love the estrogen

00:50:54.520 estrogen is pleasure it's enjoyment it's love it's surrender but testosterone is also important

00:51:01.660 to feel confident okay to feel free to feel connected to who my power inside and that's

00:51:08.900 what you want is stamina in the bedroom as well if you have that you bring a woman to higher levels

00:51:15.080 of estrogen it happens when men learn how to be selfless selflessness and so it's ironic when i go

00:51:23.220 to meditate i'm taking care of myself but then as i fill up with testosterone then i naturally want

00:51:31.720 to come back and be more selfless and you'll see this dance women have to recognize this is the

00:51:36.360 dance of men they want to get close and then they pull away when you're wanting to get close you

00:51:42.120 feel i can't live without you and then you get enough of her your estrogen goes up your testosterone

00:51:47.280 goes down now you got to pull away and go you know i can't live without you now i need to be on my

00:51:52.460 own for a while and women go are you crazy are you schizophrenic one day you're so loving the

00:51:57.140 next day you're ignoring me no this is a normal dance when men get really close they naturally

00:52:02.880 pull away they will come back but they never come back if a man pulls away and a woman runs after

00:52:08.920 him yeah how do women run after men they they want to change you they come back come back what did i

00:52:15.680 do wrong or or that's where they get all they respect him rather than appreciate him they go

00:52:21.020 oh i'll do more things for you i'll take care of you oh i understand your problems that all just

00:52:26.140 increases his estrogen or one of the things they do to go after you is ask what your feelings let's

00:52:32.460 connect let's tell me what you feel what did i do wrong all those things actually push men away yet

00:52:38.280 she thinks she's pulling him back another thing women do is when men go to their cave they feel

00:52:43.700 better they come out of the cave and then she gives him a look that's like slapping his hand

00:52:47.760 you ignored me you hurt me you didn't call back you're a bad person and so that's a stress so

00:52:54.280 what do men do to handle stress we go back into the cave until eventually we go into the cave

00:52:59.160 and we want to come out we go uh-oh if i come out i'm just going to be punished so go back into the

00:53:04.380 cave. It's our safe zone because women don't appreciate that men go to their cave. I remember

00:53:09.880 the change in my marriage of 34 years when my wife, she said to me, I don't know, maybe six

00:53:15.600 years into the marriage, I went to my cave after we're getting an argument. I just said, look,

00:53:19.860 let me just take some time to think about this. My heart's closed. And instead of going, why is

00:53:25.360 your heart closed? Why aren't you listening to me? Tell me how you feel. She just let me go.

00:53:29.180 and when I came back after opening my heart again I came back I was affectionate to her

00:53:34.000 we didn't have the same conversation again you give it time to warm up again

00:53:37.600 and I came back and she said John I just want to thank you for going to your cave because I didn't

00:53:45.780 get I didn't have to experience your dragon I feel you coming back with love and then after

00:53:50.780 about 23 years into the marriage I said to her how do I how do you rate me as a husband you know

00:53:58.080 and she said as a father to our children you're the unbelief you're a plus you're the very best

00:54:05.800 father i could imagine as a husband you're certainly not perfect but john i think that's

00:54:12.360 a perfect moment to then move on to the the final part of the of the episode is which where we're

00:54:17.480 going to be talking about and we'll do it very very briefly because we're coming towards the

00:54:20.260 end time-wise but and it's been brilliant we're faced and couples in particular are faced with a

00:54:26.060 unique set of challenges with the lockdown situation, with the coronavirus, whereby we're

00:54:32.080 in closed spaces. How do we keep our marriages and our love together in these very, very challenging

00:54:39.600 times, if we're apart or if we're together? And I can do it briefly because I've given the

00:54:44.720 foundation for it. It's just an extra skill on top of what I've just said. But I'll finish that

00:54:49.400 last point. She says, you're not a perfect husband, but you've given me the greatest gift

00:54:53.640 a woman could want. I said, what's that? That was like my redeeming moment. And she said,

00:54:59.000 whenever you're angry or upset with me, and I know I can make you angry and upset,

00:55:03.720 you stop talking, you go to your cave, and you always come back with more love.

00:55:09.220 So I know there's nothing I can say or do that will push you out of my life. Security. That's

00:55:15.660 the most important thing to women, to feel safe, that when they're not loving, if they're selfish,

00:55:20.620 if they're angry, if they're complaining

00:55:22.480 that they're not gonna lose you,

00:55:24.220 that you'll still love them.

00:55:25.580 And with this understanding helps men to do that,

00:55:29.120 which is, but you can't, once your buttons get pushed,

00:55:31.500 you get angry, upset, you pull away.

00:55:33.400 So now coronavirus, we're all isolated,

00:55:36.640 quarantined into our house, we're there.

00:55:39.040 It's too much connection.

00:55:40.960 When connection, too much connection happens,

00:55:43.240 men's testosterone goes down.

00:55:45.280 They start getting irritable, they get cabin fever,

00:55:48.300 they get grumpy.

00:55:49.080 there and then when he's grumpy that makes her feel not safe and while she's what she's not

00:55:55.080 feeling safe then her emotions her fear starts putting her in a stress reaction when women go

00:56:00.840 into a stress reaction there's a bias towards seeing everything that's wrong you see life is

00:56:05.520 always every man has problems but good qualities what allows women to keep their heart open is not

00:56:11.060 focusing on the negative but seeing the positive along with the negative it's okay it's no big deal

00:56:17.120 that's a million dollar phrase if a woman wants to ask a man of something don't complain just

00:56:22.700 say honey you know sometimes like my wife i learned this with her when she said you know

00:56:28.180 she was so frustrated because for years i would leave the lights on the living room when i walked

00:56:32.000 through because i needed a light on to go through and then she would follow later and have to turn

00:56:36.640 off the lights and that's a big deal to her not such a big deal to me so i don't think about it

00:56:40.580 i even have free free solar she'd say we're wasting energy you know the environment we

00:56:46.780 have to protect the environment i said we're using solar energy she says still we have to set an

00:56:50.540 example and leave those turn out the light okay so i have to honor that respect that this is her

00:56:56.280 value system so i honor that but still inside it's not so contrary to me because i solved the problem

00:57:02.120 by having solar energy so anyway the lights would stay on i kept forgetting kept forgetting she's

00:57:07.540 so frustrated then one day she figured this out she said john what she did wrong she'd always say

00:57:13.520 you forgot the light again. Am I supposed to just follow you around and turn out lights? She shamed

00:57:18.000 me. She disapproved of me. She complained to me. That's a stress message and helps me to forget it.

00:57:23.740 Whenever you push a man down, he will forget. He'll push away. You can't help bring out the

00:57:28.440 best in him if you're complaining. So what she said is, John, I know sometimes, most of the time,

00:57:34.320 you turn the light out. But sometimes you forget. And then I have to run around turning out lights.

00:57:39.540 would you try to remember i'd really appreciate it no big deal see that tone of voice everything

00:57:46.560 is tone of voice but words can help it's not a big deal but i'd really appreciate if you turn

00:57:51.940 off the lights the tone of voice says it even but the phrase it's not a big deal helps a man to

00:57:57.740 relax his heart can open he can hear but as soon as you go oh i'm so upset with you you didn't do

00:58:03.920 this you didn't do this that means women your heart is closed you're out of balance you're

00:58:09.240 trying to change him. You're on your male side. Negative emotions happen on your male side. So

00:58:15.020 come back to your female side. Share those negative emotions. Write them in a journal.

00:58:20.500 Share them as irrational, as trash to throw away. Share with somebody who will empathize with you.

00:58:25.840 Call up a girlfriend. Talk about what you're feeling and learn to do it in 10 minutes. Don't

00:58:30.540 go on and on. And if you don't interrupt, you can do it in 10 minutes. Become efficient and

00:58:34.820 sort of processing negativity and you talk to somebody but not your partner now it's really

00:58:41.420 hard for women at these times when they're together because here's an example when when

00:58:48.320 i used to write at home okay when i'm sitting in front of the computer my wife would always

00:58:53.440 feel ignored by me but if i'm writing at my office she goes oh he's at the office she didn't take it

00:58:58.900 personally women tend to take it personally you're sitting there watching tv and she's feeling he's

00:59:04.120 not looking at me he's ignoring me she might want to come up and talk to you and you go wait i'm

00:59:08.420 watching this show it's an important moment and then she feels oh tv is more important than me

00:59:12.880 you know so women take these things personally because they need more estrogen so it's appropriate

00:59:19.520 so you've got to build up her estrogen during this time because when her estrogen is open then

00:59:25.580 she's not needy okay i'm needy of your affection and attention which means it's i need more than

00:59:31.740 I should need it's like I need I'm empty I fill me up and of course that makes him feel like he's

00:59:36.800 failed his testosterone goes down so when he's taking his space and men have to learn to take

00:59:42.220 your space and feel okay about it she sees him do that she's going to be upset about even with this

00:59:47.780 knowledge it's going to be hard for her because she doesn't have enough estrogen so what happens

00:59:52.960 she feels needy for that attention so here's a fun thing you can do this will really spice up

00:59:57.800 your sex life as well every other day you play a game and this is the game which you can continue

01:00:05.760 doing because i play this game and i love it for the when the sun sets after the sun sets

01:00:12.840 you play the game of genie you become her genie and so everything she wants is uh as you wish

01:00:22.700 as you wish and people should watch the princess bride the movie the guy who wins the woman's

01:00:29.300 heart the princess he wins her heart by always saying as you wish as you wish is my pleasure

01:00:36.160 to make you happy it is my pleasure to do your bidding it is my pleasure i will do this for you

01:00:42.660 so you're the genie you become her servant and she becomes the master she's the master of the

01:00:50.120 servant. You are the genie. Whatever you wish is within my power. But it's not like I wish you

01:00:56.120 would clean up the yard tomorrow. That's not in the game. The game is like in the next three hours

01:01:01.800 before we go to bed, whatever I want you to do right now, I will ask you to do it and I will

01:01:08.060 oversee it. I will see you doing it for me. It's not like I want you to go to the store and buy

01:01:13.200 something, something in the house. Although going to the store, if it's not a long time away,

01:01:17.380 is okay. She needs to see you doing her bidding, but she has to ask. You can't be this perfect

01:01:23.980 husband who says, oh, you need my help. I'll anticipate it. No, you have to ask so you can

01:01:29.220 practice knowing it's a safe zone. For this three hours, he will do whatever you wish without a

01:01:35.180 grumble, without a growl. I'll be happy to do it. He always says, I'm happy to do it. Your wish is

01:01:40.940 my command. I love doing this for you. It will be so much fun. It's only three hours. If you can't

01:01:46.620 do three hours men do two hours set your parameters don't do it every day do it every other day but

01:01:53.440 when that happens what happens when she feels she's your master okay she has the power to get

01:01:59.520 you to do something that strengthens her masculine confidence which allows her to feel now i'm safe

01:02:05.020 to go to my female side and ask because most women don't ask they will they what they do is they

01:02:12.000 expect you should do this you should do this so no shoulds just saying honey would you do this

01:02:18.020 not even could you do this there's a subtlety there could you do only if you can would you do

01:02:22.800 this it's the wood just honey would you do this would you do this would you move the chair for me

01:02:27.780 would you give me a glass of tea would you wash the dishes tonight would you take care of the

01:02:32.560 kids for the next 20 minutes give him specific tasks to do for you that will make you feel more

01:02:39.060 relaxed and appreciate and practice smiling and enjoying it. It's just like, you're like the

01:02:44.020 ideal husband. I love you. I want that genie. You're amazing. Give her a chance to feel and

01:02:50.080 control because when women don't feel on their feminine side that they have power, they go to

01:02:55.860 their masculine side where they have to do everything themselves. So practice letting him

01:03:00.680 do for you. And men, you will gain so much from this because the most masculine thing you can do

01:03:06.800 is to selflessly serve no grumbles no annoyance but you've got the power you can make her happy

01:03:14.160 so this is like the fun game the genie game she's the master and you're the genie you provide as you

01:03:19.680 wish so amazing stuff john and uh look it's been a great interview thank you so much for your time

01:03:26.660 we really appreciate as i said uh some of your advice has been useful to me and my wife in our

01:03:31.540 life. And I'm sure many other people watching as well. And it's also been very useful to me

01:03:37.000 because I found out everywhere I'm going wrong. So thank you for that. Absolutely. I really

01:03:41.580 particularly enjoyed when you spent an hour talking about the importance of listening and

01:03:45.420 then Francis interrupted you mid story. I really enjoyed that. But anyway, John, the last question

01:03:51.120 we always ask our guests is what is the one thing very briefly that we're not talking about that we

01:03:56.940 ought to be talking about you mean while we're in the in the uh covid anything at all anything at

01:04:05.120 all more broadly at any point as a society what is the one thing that we're not talking about

01:04:09.860 that we ought to be talking about sex we're not talking enough about sex no we're not talking

01:04:16.280 about sex we should talk about what i like what i don't like what you like what you don't like

01:04:21.280 when you want to have it initiating sex people just don't feel comfortable talking about sex

01:04:26.440 we need to understand women the big thing in my sex classes which was a revelation for women

01:04:32.440 that the number one thing men want in sex is for her to be happy and women think oh i can't ask for

01:04:38.600 what i want and he just thinks about himself and to understand why you know men are so fast because

01:04:44.840 we're ferraris what we have to do is slow down women are so slow and that their norm that's

01:04:50.480 their natural thing it takes time to build up the estrogen but if you take the time your

01:04:55.280 testosterone will go higher as well but if you go really fast it's too much energy and you release

01:05:00.360 too quickly so if you slow down for the woman she will speed up and want you more than you want her

01:05:07.040 and that is power man that sounds very much like power thank you so much for coming on trigonometry

01:05:13.180 john we really appreciate it uh thank you for watching and listening and we'll see you tomorrow

01:05:17.600 on the live stream see you tomorrow guys bye

01:05:25.280 We'll be right back.

TRIGGERnometry - April 08, 2020

Dr John Gray： How to Save Your Relationship During Coronavirus Lockdown

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