True Patriot Love

00:00:00.000 well well well as the days draw near the holidays the stress level for a lot of people keeps going

00:00:10.240 up and up and up it's stress it's anxiety what do i do how do i get through it and people have

00:00:17.160 questions and we may have some answers thrilled as always to be joined by sim from horizon within

00:00:21.900 as always the website horizonwithin.ca to get a free consultation therapy that you can use sim

00:00:27.740 how are you well jim how are you it's nice to be back well it is nice and we had a lot of feedback

00:00:32.480 from our last podcast and a lot of people wondering with the holidays drawing near they've got

00:00:38.080 questions and do you mind if i relay one of the questions from one of the viewers because they're

00:00:42.360 a little concerned how do i get through especially like the 24th of the 28th there's a three or four

00:00:48.680 day window and they're not sure what they're going to do sure absolutely okay so the gentleman's name

00:00:53.220 is frank and brandon manitoba and said sim i have to go to saskatoon to spend three days two nights

00:00:58.840 with my in-laws my in-laws always find things to criticize me about how do i get through this

00:01:04.420 holiday without being a grinch and being a team player well you know it's it's an interesting you

00:01:11.740 bring up because it's very common when you're visiting a family away uh there's that expectation

00:01:19.760 of being something right so you know you have this imposter syndrome that you're dealing with

00:01:26.720 where you have to tell them how things are and give them updates of your life um you have this

00:01:32.600 self-questioning of your own self-worth because now you know they may have like i'm sure frank has

00:01:38.920 you know his wife's side of extended family so it could be a brother-in-law it could be a

00:01:44.700 sister it could be a cousin it could be you know an uncle right and they may be more successful or

00:01:49.520 maybe doing something and now he's got to measure himself to what he does um you could also have this

00:01:54.960 where they are away so you know the in-laws want to have to be the perfect rest or host and 0.99

00:02:02.360 it it kind of runs similar to remember the movie meet uh meet the parents with the fuckers with the 0.99

00:02:08.200 fuckers and greg balker having that stress of going and visiting the in-laws and that's what i do with 0.99

00:02:14.240 robert de niro's yeah yeah the circle of trust so um it's it's very common in that lens and you know 0.99

00:02:24.120 when i look at it through like a clinical lens right and you kind of go okay it's it's expected

00:02:30.820 to have the state of anxiety but because i feel that you know when you're visiting it's similar to

00:02:38.940 like having an away game where your resources for self-care and regulation are limited they're all back

00:02:46.420 home or now you have to improvise so like say well if you had your room that you go well now you're

00:02:54.060 visiting and you're in saskatoon like it's not like you can go out for a walk or or escape and

00:03:00.080 go into the flats i mean you're badminton you're usually seeing the mountains you know little things

00:03:04.660 like that so for them like for frank um what i feel is like where what he's kind of wanting to look

00:03:13.240 for is how do i survive the family christmas without losing myself and being so overwhelmed

00:03:23.500 that i'm not enjoying myself i guess also real quick at the same time you've got your partner

00:03:29.060 and you want to say somewhat harmonious with her on the drive back to brandon fair right and it's

00:03:37.220 but at the same time that's that's the after effect yes it's wanting to enjoy the holidays right because

00:03:44.120 regardless of how frank feels he still wants to have a good time and you know some of the pressure is

00:03:50.560 expected some of the pressure is imagined some of the pressure is past life life uh past hard

00:03:56.600 experiences they're all fair game um you know when i look at it from a clinical lens and if i had to

00:04:03.560 like sit with frank and go okay what tools would you need uh in cbt there is a mention of cognitive

00:04:12.040 reframing and what cognitive reframing is is you look at a situation and you have this interpretation of

00:04:19.740 it and reframing is looking at it in a different way now what's easier said than done because when

00:04:27.340 you're in the thick of it like you know if you're greg in the basement and you see that room and you're

00:04:31.860 like is is he a cia you know and then like nervously chewing gum because he's like using it yeah anyway

00:04:40.680 uh um so there's a technique that i feel frank can use and it's built on the framework of cognitive

00:04:50.560 reframing but it's called santa so oh what what i would encourage frank to do is tell yourself just

00:05:00.040 santa it and santa is an acronym uh for the s stands for see your environment so basically when i take a

00:05:09.720 pause and you go okay what's happening the a is you ask what is it that i'm feeling so what he's mentioned

00:05:18.820 here it's like i have a sense of overwhelm you know i i gotta do this i gotta do that i have this

00:05:24.380 expectation i'm i'm gonna be visiting i'm gone for three days so he's asking what is it that he's

00:05:29.720 feeling the n is you're giving it a name so you're giving a name to the reaction to what you're feeling

00:05:38.300 not a name to the feeling oh so the reaction to the feelings that he's having is he's having a panic

00:05:47.680 attack that's his reaction to the feeler so that's what he's named now the t is take a breath so this

00:05:56.340 is where he can just take a deep breath and then the a is act with conviction so that's your sabbath

00:06:06.080 so in in frank's case the s would be to see it'd be like i'm in the living room and we are just having

00:06:16.080 a few drinks whatever so now he's aware of his environment his a has asked what he's feeling he's

00:06:22.420 like i'm feeling that i have to explain myself right because someone's gonna ask me what he do

00:06:29.780 has business whatever x values and then now he's got a name what it is that he is experiencing of

00:06:36.640 that feeling and it could be i am having a mild panic because now i it's a way court i don't have

00:06:45.960 the same resources so now he has to take a breath right so when he's taking a breath what i tell is

00:06:53.740 when you inhale so you go it is and then when you exhale what it is so you're just inhaling it is it

00:07:01.720 is what it is what it is and then when you blow enough and now you have to act with conviction

00:07:08.420 conviction conviction conviction because you have to empower yourself and that is where you have to tell

00:07:15.760 yourself when the going gets tough the tough get going no and you repeat recycle that is cognitive

00:07:24.280 reframing that's cbt at work because now what you've done is you become aware of the environment

00:07:29.500 you've named what it is that you're reacting to you've grounded yourself by just saying it is what it is

00:07:37.280 and you're giving yourself a true act with conviction of saying when the going gets tough the tough get going

00:07:44.580 and would this by using these techniques sim my thought is if the the father-in-law or the uncle

00:07:52.120 whoever the relative is that's sort of pushing your buttons if you're using these techniques and not

00:07:57.240 getting in the reaction they're expecting doesn't that dissipate what they're trying to do if you're

00:08:03.220 always because it's an away game right right like you because in your mind you know that it's being on

00:08:09.320 the road right your resources are limited now it just it requires a deeper conversation so from for

00:08:18.040 me to understand okay what specifically would be that you would need or not so the santa is more for

00:08:25.100 like just your topical get you through the hardest kind of yeah because each family is unique right each

00:08:33.140 family has their own depths and layers yes right it's kind of like you know you could be the griswolds

00:08:39.380 for find out a lot right right and how do you address that because or when they meant go to meet the

00:08:48.260 fokkers right like yeah like it was a complete mismatch in terms of both families so it becomes

00:08:54.020 individual that's what i would say because the one thing that i know from everyone i've spoken to in the

00:08:59.140 years i've lived and anyone who has any kind of background when you're visiting those that away

00:09:05.700 game there is that am i doing the right thing am i saying the right thing so there's these tensions

00:09:11.620 and anxieties they're building up i i can see by using these techniques it sort of centers you calms you

00:09:17.220 down it is what it is and all of a sudden you're not stressed about the situation because it is what it

00:09:23.620 is it is what it is you're in there it's a few days then you're going to be gone right and now

00:09:28.820 you have the drive back and guess what on the drive back you don't have to re-question because

00:09:32.820 it is what it is yeah and that's actually useful in any situation not just a holiday situation yeah

00:09:40.020 yeah i love that do you mind if i have another question for you yeah absolutely um so lisa and

00:09:45.140 the pn is going through what i think a lot of people go through he has to host over the holidays

00:09:51.140 and her question sim is everyone when i host comes over no one helps me no one ends up paying for

00:09:57.620 anything and i am doing everything how do i deal with a house full of family and friends who just

00:10:02.900 really don't help her it's sad it's because one of the pleasures of playing host over the holidays

00:10:12.340 is the act of that graciousness that sense of like warmth that come on in come on in you know

00:10:19.060 here's an eggnog or yeah like you know and and what would what i feel with lisa is that even though

00:10:27.860 she has home advantage she still has to be on the defense so there's no opportunity for her to feel 1.00

00:10:35.860 the holidays to celebrate the holidays because now all of a sudden much like frank she's talking with

00:10:42.500 the sense of anxiety she's talking with the sense of people pleasing the sense of affordability the

00:10:48.900 sense of self-work you know keeping up with the joneses and like it can go on and on but the end of

00:10:53.780 the day much like him the ability to enjoy the holidays are being taken away because invariably when

00:11:01.620 you're hosting someone's going to say do you have this to drink this to eat no i don't oh and then you're

00:11:08.500 like oh jeez i didn't know that i thought i prepared everything or or you go over the top you're

00:11:12.900 going to make sure like okay fine you know aunt daddy likes that pinot grigio and i know nobody

00:11:17.140 will ever drink it and we're not she's going to have a four ounce glass but i got to buy the whole bottle

00:11:21.620 so it's it's the variables are infinite in that right now how would we bring the same technique to

00:11:32.100 lisa right because scenarios may sound similar but now you're hosting so it's the pressure is a little bit

00:11:38.180 different because the stress is still there right the stress is still there the anxiety is still there

00:11:43.140 and so now with lisa's case it would be something like okay what am i seeing i'm hosting right okay

00:11:53.700 what then you're asking what am i feeling you know what i'm feeling that i feel isolated because

00:12:00.260 i have to carry the burden of not only spending or buying the investment of the the party but i also

00:12:07.060 have to host something right and now because there is no appreciation back i have sold no software

00:12:13.060 right and it'll go on and on and on and now you're naming your reaction to what you're feeling

00:12:18.660 and here it's similar right like there's a sense of panic attack because things are out of control

00:12:23.540 things you can't manage at all right and now the overwhelm has gotten to a point where you're in a

00:12:30.340 state of planet because it's the 22nd of december and you're a day and a half away so whatever you

00:12:36.100 have is you have same thing now you know you take a breath so it is it is what it is what it is right

00:12:45.140 and by just doing that cycle it you can do as many as you like when you act with conviction what are you

00:12:52.740 saying when the going gets tough the tough get going what is it about people um because i i always thought

00:13:02.500 it's human nature hey i'm coming there you're hosting is there anything i can do to help that's

00:13:07.220 a simple thing often the whole state no no i'm fine but don't you think they appreciate the gesture

00:13:12.420 of you saying hey is there anything i could do to help gas etiquette i feel sometimes is lacking and it's

00:13:20.020 it's individual i i don't attribute guest or host culture to any specific culture i think it's

00:13:28.180 it's individual specific some of us get to experience it in our younger years so we kind of

00:13:33.940 like pick it up through just seeing it you know whether it's at our family environments whether it's

00:13:39.620 in our social circles and some of us unfortunately miss those opportunities but we have an opportunity

00:13:47.460 to learn because all you gotta do is go to chachi petingo online over to you know what are good

00:13:52.820 host gifts what is a good way to be a good guest yeah right and it'll give you your top two or top

00:13:58.340 three and you know the top three any host is you give them something right it could be as small as like

00:14:04.420 a flower arrangement it doesn't have to be grandiose um and then you don't make it difficult for the host

00:14:12.020 right and you make sure that you don't make a mess or you leave something where they have to do actual

00:14:17.940 work those are your top three i mean chat gpt will give you 20 of them if you really want to be like

00:14:23.300 you know random association laws and like you know you feed her personality and then you go okay you know

00:14:27.380 you know she's like you know a very controlled person and whatever the x values are and then it'll

00:14:32.900 just give you that so yeah i just it's funny that we've now we're at a point in the society sim that

00:14:38.260 people have you resort the chat gpt they wonder how i should be a good guest when i go over for

00:14:43.780 the holidays as long as you're getting knowledge yeah and as long as the other person is able to

00:14:50.180 then feel because there's a reward to hosting there there's an actual like because it's it's it's one of

00:14:57.700 the very few occasions where other than um i would say thanksgiving and then birthday easters

00:15:08.980 hit or miss in terms of your big arcing holidays where you pull families together you really don't

00:15:14.980 have many of them and christmas has its own unique your own one hero because it's like

00:15:23.700 is it also not a way for some people to express their love of family and friends by hosting

00:15:29.940 absolutely uh absolutely and it's it's a it's an act of doing right um one thing i will say you know

00:15:37.460 because it comes down to this when you're dealing with family over the holidays it's like any given

00:15:45.940 sunday it's about the inches right and the inches are everywhere so whether you're hosting or whether

00:15:55.380 you're visiting if you could just frame it as please it's in a home game this is the away team that's

00:16:02.980 coming so now you can then go you know and i don't want to make it into a sports cliche because it's a

00:16:08.500 christmas uh i have to do play the nfl and have a christmas day that's what i like like any given

00:16:14.740 sunday um and it's about the interest right so it's it's it's literally you know you look at the

00:16:20.340 persons next to you so whether it'll it's your family members and you're looking and going okay how

00:16:25.780 do we pull all the inches so that we can be the best host and because it is what it is

00:16:34.420 when the going gets tough the tougher going now that contention

00:16:40.100 even though it's there you've reframed through cbt and reframing yes by saying i need to get through

00:16:48.740 this and and now you've created that safety plan because you're going to have the violation you're

00:16:53.380 going to have the violations for their visiting over there so and it's not something that i'm

00:16:58.820 saying that you should accept but it is what it is but much like frank dealing with it on the

00:17:07.380 disgusting and the drive home then lisa after everyone leaves maybe has a discussion with her 0.99

00:17:14.020 inner circle about what just happened as she hosted yeah and you know because there was a pre-game talk

00:17:20.980 mm-hmm you have a post game talk right right and dinner could be your halftime right exactly and

00:17:28.740 now the idea is you put them in compartments yeah and because now you've framed it with anxiety now

00:17:35.940 what you've done is you've compartmentalized it now you can kind of go okay what do we need to prepare

00:17:40.500 because you know who's coming right so you know where where the variations are going to be you know

00:17:46.260 it's not about control it's about direction and napping out okay if i have these four things ready

00:17:52.500 the day should go pretty smoothly right and your mantra is what it is what it is that that's so

00:17:58.580 brilliant and just that little breath it is and out what it is it really sort of centers you doesn't

00:18:03.700 it so it grounds you and then anytime you've you're in the midst of it that's why i said just senate

00:18:09.860 because minute you can tell your mind all i need to do is senate and what are you doing with center

00:18:14.660 you're bringing awareness you're scanning your environment you're taking the breath and you're

00:18:20.740 acting with conviction are we post-covid almost relearning social skills and etiquettes that

00:18:28.180 maybe as you alluded to earlier that were once thought as basic standard for everyone a lot of

00:18:34.500 people have to read relearn them and be reminded of them into the holidays in a way yes but also there's

00:18:41.460 also a greater want to celebrate um i feel there's more resources to be able to learn uh at the end

00:18:53.540 of the day it just boils down to an opportunity to learn um there's no disadvantage there's never a need

00:19:00.340 to have perfection because it's a new experience right you could be someone that just made a new

00:19:05.220 social circle and you've been invited to it and you may not truly know the hosts that well so you may

00:19:10.100 not know what you give them you can chat jpt right now because what i'm saying is it's not a nemesis

00:19:17.380 it's a resource yeah use it but use santa even if you're visiting right so you could be a person

00:19:25.860 that's visiting and it's a social circle it could be where your colleagues from work have decided to

00:19:30.260 invite you and this is the first time you're doing christmas with them right senate because we just had a

00:19:37.060 work event another place i'm at and i really had a lot of trepidation going into it sim because i

00:19:42.020 wasn't really sure they had some new management people i gave i said i'm gonna give it a chance

00:19:47.060 and then without realizing i did the it is what it is going into it ended up being pretty good time

00:19:53.060 right i like i'm like you know that was pretty good i enjoyed that as long as your game's not going in

00:19:57.940 overtime yeah virtually did not and no i didn't very more traffic away from the arena uh but uh

00:20:05.540 this is why we check it out horizonwithin.ca sim thank you as always absolutely thank you for having me

Holiday Stress Survival Guide with a Therapist

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