True Patriot Love

00:00:00.000 Hey, everyone. Welcome back to true Patriot love. I'm Shaleza

00:00:08.100 Backus and yes, I'm a new face here. So thank you so much for

00:00:11.340 joining in and make sure to follow us on social media. You

00:00:13.600 can find us online at TPL media. And if you don't know anything

00:00:17.980 about me, let me introduce myself a little bit. So I am

00:00:20.320 kind of a pop culture freak. I like to talk about Hollywood. I

00:00:23.920 like to talk about famous athletes. Now ask me what my

00:00:26.960 sports knowledges. And I probably couldn't tell you the

00:00:30.260 three football players I could probably name are Tom Brady and

00:00:32.860 the Kelsey brothers. And speaking of Tom Brady, he recently

00:00:36.740 well, not that recently, I guess he is now single. He ended his

00:00:40.400 marriage with Gisele Bunchden. He's been linked to Kim

00:00:43.640 Kardashian, most recently Alex Earl, but it doesn't seem like

00:00:47.120 anything really sticks. So to talk about why Tom Brady can't

00:00:52.120 get a date. We are bringing in Sim Chavra. How are you? Nice to

00:00:55.920 meet you. Nice to meet you too. I'm really excited for this.

00:00:58.860 So tell us a little bit about yourself. I'm sure the TPL

00:01:02.020 audience is quite familiar with you, but go ahead.

00:01:05.100 So I have a clinic right down the street. It's called Horizon

00:01:07.920 Within. I do psychotherapy work and it's good to be on the

00:01:12.160 show.

00:01:12.740 Well, it's lovely to have you. So what do you focus on? And I

00:01:16.980 think maybe a better question would be, you've focused a lot on

00:01:21.480 men's mental health. And do you think that that ties into dating

00:01:25.580 life?

00:01:27.120 It does. So I focus on anxiety management. I focus on

00:01:32.000 depression management, ADHD management and men's mental

00:01:35.040 wellbeing. And one of the things that I focus on greatly with a lot

00:01:39.860 of men is identity and sense of purpose. So dating does play.

00:01:46.400 That's interesting then. So we've got somebody like Tom Brady, who

00:01:49.940 he's got seven rings, I think. I think that's right. I just know

00:01:53.000 that because that's an Ariana Grande reference, but he is wildly

00:01:57.240 successful and now he's retired. His marriage, his long term

00:02:00.420 marriage ended. How do you think that affects mental health and how

00:02:04.520 do you move forward after that?

00:02:06.800 That's a very good question, but I will add that he has eight

00:02:10.460 rings because Giselle gave her back.

00:02:13.040 I like that one.

00:02:14.960 Did you watch the Netflix?

00:02:16.640 Yes, yes.

00:02:17.540 She was so good. Oh, my God, man.

00:02:20.120 I think she was on a tear.

00:02:21.440 I think she got out at the right time. Let's just leave it at

00:02:24.300 that.

00:02:24.680 Yeah. So coming back to the serious side of things, it absolutely

00:02:30.720 does because the biggest challenge that I notice when you go

00:02:37.600 through such a steep life transition is that you kind of

00:02:43.480 build this achievement stepladder, right? And it's broad, but finish

00:02:52.480 school, get a career, get settled, have kids, right?

00:02:57.540 Getting a divorce, regardless of whether you're Tom Brady or an

00:03:03.420 average Joe, it's a big setback for the individual. And it applies

00:03:09.220 to both sides of the relationship. But because I primarily focus on

00:03:13.460 men, they attach a different identity to it. And I find that for

00:03:18.820 them, it's a deconstruction of their core identity because they

00:03:24.580 feel like that's the sequential growth they have to kind of

00:03:27.820 achieve. So, so, yeah, I do notice that quite a bit.

00:03:33.100 So then, okay, let's talk about his life after his divorce. Then

00:03:36.400 he's been linked to Kim Kardashian, never really confirmed that they

00:03:40.520 were dating. And most recently, Alex Earl, who is a social media

00:03:43.840 influencer, but also quite young.

00:03:46.240 Yeah.

00:03:46.960 Do you think that there's a correlation between that?

00:03:49.720 Um, it's hard to say, uh, because you could look at, uh, Bill Belichick,

00:03:55.360 right? With the 25 year old that he's with men are odd that way in, in, and

00:04:01.960 it's kind of unfair to categorize them because I think these, uh, media

00:04:07.400 personalities or celebrities are a bit of an anomaly when it comes to rebound

00:04:12.900 partners. Um, so you can't really typecast it, but would it pay an influence in

00:04:18.880 terms of the way he's going about and expressing his way of rebounding?

00:04:25.480 Absolutely. Yeah.

00:04:26.800 Yeah. And I, again, tell me about like rebounding actually, just like, you

00:04:31.260 know, ring some bells in my head.

00:04:33.160 Like, I feel like everybody kind of experiences that differently.

00:04:36.500 It could go one way, either you jump back into something right away with

00:04:39.460 someone, or you're on your own and you're depressed in a corner for a year.

00:04:43.600 How does that tie in with your mental health and how do you, how do different

00:04:48.160 people experience that after the end of a significant relationship?

00:04:52.540 I like how you brought up two good points.

00:04:54.100 You know, you brought up how quickly people get back into the game versus,

00:04:58.060 you know, how people process the disappointment.

00:05:01.180 Um, it can go either way.

00:05:03.460 There is no one true answer, I believe, uh, because, you know, our society teaches

00:05:07.900 us, Hey, get back on your feet, you know, get, get back into it.

00:05:10.960 You know, they're gone, it's figured out, but it, it becomes very unique to that

00:05:16.180 person and what relationship or being in a relationship meant to them.

00:05:21.040 So it's not necessarily about, you know, the person that left them.

00:05:24.140 It's the meaning that they attached to being with that one person.

00:05:28.420 Um, I think culture plays a big role in that.

00:05:31.240 Uh, because if you look at it from like, um, a Western individualistic lens, right?

00:05:37.600 Like it's, it's very sequential.

00:05:39.160 It's like, you know, I marry a person and then it's me and that person, we build a life.

00:05:44.140 Um, if you look at it from the flip side and you look at it from a collectivist

00:05:47.480 culture, you, you're marrying into a family system.

00:05:52.300 So to answer that same question now, when you look at it through two different

00:05:55.200 lenses, um, the rebound would come through an individualistic lens because

00:06:00.180 they are just looking at themselves.

00:06:01.620 They're looking at, okay, what do I need to do to solve my problem?

00:06:04.500 And how do I get back onto my feet?

00:06:07.200 Because it's a self-correcting aspect.

00:06:10.520 So Tom Brady is a perfect example of that because it's kind of like, okay,

00:06:14.940 she's moved on.

00:06:15.700 She's done her thing.

00:06:16.960 I've gone through my dating phase, whether it's Kim Kardashian or whoever

00:06:19.860 the most recent one is, um, and I need to move on with my life.

00:06:24.900 The second part of the question that you really asked that I liked is, well,

00:06:29.160 what about the ones that take a bit longer?

00:06:30.900 And those are more where they have like family systems.

00:06:33.300 So it could be where they attached a different meaning to being in a relationship.

00:06:37.380 They attached a different meaning because for them, it became more of a nucleus of

00:06:41.880 two personalities that merge.

00:06:44.100 And now they have to uncouple themselves from that identity.

00:06:47.360 That's, that's actually a really interesting point.

00:06:50.720 I think you, like, I don't think a lot of people realize that sometimes when you're

00:06:54.920 in a relationship for such a long time, it truly does become part of your identity.

00:06:59.540 And sometimes you don't really know who you are outside of that relationship.

00:07:04.240 And do you find that that happens with a lot of people that you talk to or have

00:07:07.340 talked to?

00:07:08.600 Uh, I find that like, especially when I'm working with middle-aged men, I've

00:07:13.600 noticed that a bit, especially when they have put a significant number of years, uh,

00:07:20.140 into that relationship where they don't have a true identity of themselves.

00:07:25.540 Um, and it can be said fairly for both sides.

00:07:29.220 So, but having worked with a lot of men, especially middle-aged that are going through

00:07:33.760 that transition, it becomes a bit harder for them because, you know, men are brought up

00:07:40.420 with markers, right?

00:07:41.500 Like it's, um, achieve a, then achieve B, then achieve C, then achieve D, right?

00:07:46.060 And that's your sense of identity.

00:07:47.960 So any, uh, rupture then interrupts the identity.

00:07:52.960 And that's why I kind of work with identity, uh, a lot, because I feel like once they kind

00:07:58.080 of like go, okay, it doesn't matter what I'm experiencing at this moment, I'm still

00:08:03.400 an individual, and then depending on cultural upbringing, if they're coming from an individualistic

00:08:11.740 upbringing, it's very easy for them to recognize that boundary and go, okay, um, that's a life

00:08:17.280 experience.

00:08:18.340 I'm still myself.

00:08:19.600 How do I get back to myself?

00:08:21.700 Collective cultures, it becomes a lot more difficult because that was their identity.

00:08:26.360 I was a husband or I was a, and now introducing that, especially in middle-aged and up, it's

00:08:34.060 a lot more difficult.

00:08:36.060 It's not, it's not impossible.

00:08:38.320 It just, it requires a little bit of extra work because now you're introducing individual

00:08:43.360 that was a husband.

00:08:44.820 Yes.

00:08:45.680 And I think even as an ex-husband, especially when there are kids involved, when there's a

00:08:51.540 family that you've built with this person, your ex will always be a part of your life.

00:08:56.080 Right.

00:08:56.380 Because you've got your kids, you've still got your family, you want to keep them as

00:08:59.960 close as you possibly can.

00:09:01.860 And so when somebody else is coming into that equation, when Tom or someone like Tom Brady

00:09:06.680 would start dating again, there's a lot that comes with that.

00:09:11.080 So do you think that people are actually equipped to handle that?

00:09:14.460 They see somebody who's like sparkly and famous like Tom Brady, but then you have to realize

00:09:19.300 his ex will probably still always be a part of his life in some way.

00:09:23.000 He's got kids.

00:09:23.800 He's got a lot that he's dealt with before and he's not playing the sport that he's

00:09:28.580 famous for playing anymore.

00:09:30.020 So do you think that that might scare some people away once they actually get into it?

00:09:34.520 What do you mean by like the, the, which people?

00:09:37.920 Like the people he would date.

00:09:39.840 Okay.

00:09:40.360 I see what you're saying.

00:09:41.180 Would his future partner have difficulties transitioning into this dual split relationship?

00:09:49.320 It's like Tiger Woods is a good example of that because if you look at, you know, when

00:09:56.020 his separation happened and you're looking at how like he's dating Laura Trump now, which

00:10:01.580 doesn't matter.

00:10:03.380 It's not about the politics, but it's just the fact that she's also coming from a divorce

00:10:07.220 setting because, um, Trump juniors, the point I'm trying to make, I'm not, I'm not categorizing

00:10:14.600 the individuals.

00:10:15.620 What I'm saying is a lot of times you're going to get the Brady Bunch blends.

00:10:20.120 So I don't think so.

00:10:22.040 It's a partner issue.

00:10:23.140 I think what it is, it's, it's a communication issue where you're respecting the nucleuses and

00:10:28.960 you're affording that the other parent still has access to that child because it's a creation of

00:10:35.400 them and to be supportive because you have to kind of understand depending on the age of the

00:10:41.400 children, because his kids are young, you want to keep it as, uh, civil as possible so they can

00:10:48.200 then recognize their rupture, uh, that they're experiencing in their family nucleus through their

00:10:54.600 eyes and now as parents, even though you're separated, you are affording them as much of

00:11:02.640 consistency as possible.

00:11:05.100 So then what about then when you think you've established a relationship with a new person,

00:11:10.880 what is it like introducing them to your kids?

00:11:16.620 Too early is not the best.

00:11:18.620 Um, because there, I would say you have to look at the age, age range.

00:11:24.600 Um, and you also have to look at the style of communication you have with that child.

00:11:30.960 So you could be either parent, um, if they witness multiple partners and they are in their

00:11:38.760 formidable years.

00:11:39.620 So anybody that's 12 and under for them, sense of safety is very different because, um, they 0.92

00:11:46.580 quite haven't developed a part of where the world is not as, uh, overwhelming and intimidating.

00:11:54.420 So for them, if they see multiple partners and I'm generalizing here, I'm not saying it's,

00:12:00.300 it's predictably common, but, um, it has a deeper impact.

00:12:05.660 They may not, uh, express it.

00:12:07.640 They may not present it, but you'll see attachment, dissociative disorders down the road when they

00:12:14.340 kind of go, okay, maybe I don't need, I can't, I don't know how.

00:12:17.740 Um, but if they're in their teen years, by the time we're teens, we're tending to kind

00:12:24.180 of come and come into our own world because our prefrontal cortex is coming into being.

00:12:28.640 So we're processing the world in a very different way.

00:12:30.900 So we have an ability to kind of discern where you'd be like, okay, I don't agree with it.

00:12:35.200 I don't understand it, but I know how to block it.

00:12:36.980 Um, young adult and up now you've kind of formed your own opinions in life.

00:12:43.060 You may, may not, uh, vocally express it, but you've carved enough of your own personal life

00:12:50.220 where it doesn't impact you the same way, uh, because you may have moved out or, you know,

00:12:56.840 you have a partner of your own or you're in uni.

00:12:59.100 There's something significant happening in your life where a parent's partner choice

00:13:04.160 doesn't make that much of an impact.

00:13:06.180 It will have an influence, which is very different because it's still a parent, but

00:13:10.060 impact won't be as significant.

00:13:12.500 That's interesting.

00:13:13.860 And then I'm thinking now, okay, say you've established a relationship with a new partner,

00:13:19.940 but your child is really struggling with it.

00:13:23.300 Your child doesn't like your new partner.

00:13:25.580 Your child doesn't get along with your new partner.

00:13:27.680 How then do you navigate that situation?

00:13:31.520 That's communication.

00:13:32.840 Uh, that's genuine communication.

00:13:35.380 Uh, age always plays a significant role.

00:13:38.340 Plus also, uh, how their relationship is with the other parent.

00:13:45.020 So what that, what I'm trying to get at here is, so say for example, take, um, Tiger Woods.

00:13:52.380 Okay.

00:13:54.340 And I think it was like within a year and a half, he started dating.

00:13:56.960 The kids were young.

00:13:57.840 Uh, and so for them, it would be more like, okay, you know, is you respectful of my mom?

00:14:04.420 Is I'm going to be safe?

00:14:05.200 Because kids come from that, from that lens.

00:14:07.660 They're looking for how, um, interrupted is my life and how can I put it together?

00:14:14.340 They're processing their world through that rupture.

00:14:16.540 So it's not about whether you need to have a conversation and say, you need to like this

00:14:21.720 person because I like them or whatever.

00:14:23.320 The parent, either parent has to recognize that the viewpoint of that child is my, the way

00:14:32.120 I see the world is interrupted and I am trying to understand whether it's a friend or a foe.

00:14:38.100 So if either one where the partner's changed, their coping response now is going to be, I don't

00:14:46.260 understand it.

00:14:47.140 So I'm going to go avoid it, but now it's becoming permanent marriage or move in or whatever.

00:14:53.980 So the pushback is not necessarily, I don't like the individual.

00:14:57.480 The pushback is more, my world's changing all over again.

00:15:01.800 I have a ruptured experience that has not been addressed.

00:15:04.780 I don't know how to express it because I'm under 10.

00:15:07.020 My brain doesn't know how to process it.

00:15:08.920 And the only way I can express it out is by saying I have a dislike.

00:15:13.980 So that's what needs to be looked at, uh, first.

00:15:17.900 And it's something that is not trivial to explore.

00:15:21.560 You just have to look at it through the child's lens and you can understand, okay, it's an

00:15:24.540 interruption.

00:15:25.260 What do I need to do to, to address that, have the conversation at that level?

00:15:29.200 This is something that you need, uh, support and guidance.

00:15:33.600 So you need somebody that's coming from that, uh, uh, professional lens.

00:15:37.580 So like a mental health support or a, um, psychologist or, or a family therapist, because you're going

00:15:45.140 to be looking at something that's a little bit more complex.

00:15:48.500 Um, but that, that, what that does is when it gives the child the opportunity to understand,

00:15:53.780 Hey, this is what I feel, but it also gives them an opportunity to recognize that the other

00:15:59.180 individual is not necessarily a foe, which helps them.

00:16:04.340 That's interesting.

00:16:05.080 So then how, what happens if all of that, all of that, that you're trying to say, what if it

00:16:10.480 doesn't work, what if there's still some sort of dislike, some sort of disconnect between your

00:16:15.860 child and a new partner?

00:16:17.120 And what if your back really is up against the wall and you have to choose?

00:16:21.860 Um, those, those extremes, uh, because you're not, I mean, for you to hit dot, uh, that stress

00:16:30.620 point, um, there's gotta be some other significant complexities to it because it's not going to be

00:16:36.140 a linear, I don't like it.

00:16:37.500 I'm going to put my foot down again.

00:16:40.680 So when it becomes individual, uh, you're going to have to address it where, um, something needs

00:16:46.840 to be understood.

00:16:47.920 Uh, maybe, you know, it needs, it, it requires, uh, family counseling.

00:16:54.780 Uh, it requires a transition structure.

00:16:58.380 It requires a little bit more of a support.

00:17:01.480 So I'll kind of give you, uh, uh, extreme example that would kind of match that.

00:17:06.280 So let's say Brady was still playing.

00:17:09.280 Okay.

00:17:09.460 So let's put them back in the game.

00:17:12.340 18 weeks.

00:17:14.140 He has to be, um, of which nine weeks he's on the road, nine weeks, he's playing at home.

00:17:21.520 But each week for those 18 weeks plus pre-season, and let's assume he's going to go post-season.

00:17:27.660 Right.

00:17:29.020 You start doing the math.

00:17:30.060 Now you're looking at from August till February, there's an absent parent.

00:17:37.620 That child, no matter what age they are, they're going to have an issue because they're

00:17:44.100 completely with this new person.

00:17:46.800 Their reaction is you, you're going to hit that wall very, very quickly because there's

00:17:51.080 a environmental, um, variable that leaves the child exposed.

00:17:57.100 They could be the best.

00:17:58.500 They could have been a better partner than their mom, but we're not measuring that.

00:18:03.740 We're looking at where the stress point is, but now he's retired.

00:18:08.040 Now he's a, a sports caster, but that's of choice.

00:18:14.740 Um, so it, it changes the script a bit.

00:18:18.820 So now the pushback may not necessarily be the same.

00:18:21.460 So you have to also look at which outstanding variable is causing that pushback to then address

00:18:30.620 it and go, okay, what do we do to solve it?

00:18:32.380 Um, I mean, life's hard, there's just a lot that there's a lot to go through.

00:18:37.480 So let's come back to kind of the lighter point.

00:18:40.360 Why can't Tom Brady get a date?

00:18:43.240 Why, why do you think he can't?

00:18:45.040 Because of his diet, which is what, like a vegan diet.

00:18:53.320 Listen, a lot of people are vegan now.

00:18:55.480 Yeah, I'm not saying, listen, from a therapist lens, you asked me a question.

00:19:01.900 I'm not, I'm, I'm just, you know, a big comical about it.

00:19:05.280 Um, it's a good question.

00:19:07.980 Like, you know, it's, I feel he hasn't quite resolved his wound.

00:19:17.440 How so?

00:19:20.460 Setbacks, regardless of how you express it into the world, um, they are deep and personal

00:19:28.080 and it, it requires a journey.

00:19:30.900 That doesn't mean you have to sit there and wallow in it, but it's, it's something where

00:19:37.380 you have to kind of go, okay, like, why did I hit that wall?

00:19:42.360 You know, uh, that doesn't mean it's something flawed about yourself.

00:19:47.700 It's not, you know, and that's something that I kind of like always work when I'm working

00:19:51.180 with clients, I go, it's not about what you did wrong because we kind of like, okay, maybe

00:19:56.460 I messed up somewhere.

00:19:57.780 Not where you messed up.

00:19:59.300 It's how you structured the way you thought that would be right.

00:20:05.840 Um, a very good example.

00:20:07.540 And it's very common in South Asian cultures, you know, oh, you want to do something after 1.00

00:20:13.140 marriage, right?

00:20:14.000 Like it's, it's the classic single line.

00:20:18.380 You want to stay out till 12 after marriage, right?

00:20:20.940 You want, right.

00:20:21.740 So now imagine now this, this is where like cultures play a big role.

00:20:28.280 So more collective lens.

00:20:29.360 Let's assume like, you know, uh, Tom Brady's like Virat Kohli, cricketer.

00:20:34.100 Like for him, he created this reality that after marriage, I would have all these things to

00:20:39.600 do.

00:20:40.060 And now he's divorced.

00:20:41.280 Well, he has to process that disappointment because now he has to reconcile that.

00:20:46.560 Am I doing this after my divorce?

00:20:48.200 You see what I'm saying?

00:20:49.040 Now, what do I do?

00:20:49.860 Because technically I'm still single.

00:20:51.280 So am I back to square one or better?

00:20:54.900 Tom Brady's lens, same disappointment.

00:20:57.940 But you still need to process that hurt because for him, it was not after I was going to get

00:21:02.340 married, it was once I was married, same.

00:21:07.860 There's, there's a component of a addition to their life, but it's once and after they

00:21:14.120 both have to, they both have to process it.

00:21:16.580 So I'm not making an opinion that he there's, this is the reason why he's not getting a date.

00:21:24.540 What I'm saying is that I don't feel it's truly processed.

00:21:29.040 Men aren't taught to process that date.

00:21:31.440 End of story.

00:21:32.940 Sorry.

00:21:33.540 We just aren't taught to process that deeply.

00:21:37.860 And okay.

00:21:39.180 So this brings in a whole different conversation about men's mental health.

00:21:43.320 And we were talking about this off the air that, you know, men's mental health is something

00:21:48.220 that really and truly does need to be explored.

00:21:50.500 When we talk about talking about our feelings, talking about how things make us feel somehow,

00:21:55.380 that's so much easier for women than it is for men.

00:21:59.020 And I don't think a lot of men realize how it affects their lives and how it affects their

00:22:04.600 relationships.

00:22:05.300 We realize it.

00:22:06.300 We just don't know how to connect the dots.

00:22:12.140 It's very different.

00:22:13.100 So the awareness is always there.

00:22:15.720 It's just we learn early in our path of growth that boys don't cry or boys don't express emotions

00:22:30.640 that openly.

00:22:31.600 It's changing now.

00:22:32.600 But that doesn't mean like, you know, we got to take it in and hold it strong.

00:22:38.520 It's just, it's a learned part of it.

00:22:44.400 We aren't really, we don't spend time in it.

00:22:49.500 The missed opportunity is not in societal learning.

00:22:54.300 The missed opportunity is understanding that, you know, when we are going through puberty,

00:23:01.220 we are made to become a little bit more cognizant of that emotional change.

00:23:06.140 We will be emotionally connected when we were young adults.

00:23:08.860 That's where it gets missed.

00:23:10.420 Because when women are going through puberty, you're taught to pay attention to your body. 1.00

00:23:14.840 You're taught to pay attention to the cycles of your body.

00:23:18.420 We also experience it, but we're not taught how to pay attention to it.

00:23:22.200 So then it becomes, oh, boys will be boys, right?

00:23:24.340 But we're going through hormonal changes.

00:23:27.540 That's where it gets missed.

00:23:28.680 So you introduce that in present time and you go back and go, you know what, in sex ed,

00:23:33.440 we're going to introduce just how to show them how to become aware that yes, men also

00:23:39.580 go through a puberty cycle because we, you produce sperm at a certain cycle.

00:23:44.860 So your body's going to go through it.

00:23:46.360 We're none of us are aware of it.

00:23:47.580 So we may feel aggression, but we may not understand it.

00:23:51.060 Once you start connecting that dot, it becomes individual.

00:23:53.940 Then just like yourselves, we then become aware and go, I know my cycle, which means I'm going

00:24:00.820 to be a little bit more aggressive, which means I need better tools to express.

00:24:07.560 It changes the game.

00:24:08.980 That's where the answer is, or A answer.

00:24:11.300 Well, yeah, A answer for sure.

00:24:14.060 But I just think, so then what about the men who are in adulthood who still don't know

00:24:19.940 how to deal with those things and how to, and maybe this is like, you know, maybe this

00:24:26.280 is me falling down the rabbit hole on social media, just seeing all of these like relationship

00:24:29.940 videos come up on my timeline and people talking about attachment styles and how so many men

00:24:34.820 are avoidant.

00:24:35.820 Yeah.

00:24:36.820 Is that something that's, that's taught?

00:24:41.240 Is that environmental?

00:24:43.160 It's all of the both.

00:24:46.160 I don't like peas on my plate.

00:24:48.160 You know, like not ridiculing or minimizing what you're saying.

00:24:52.700 I agree with you.

00:24:53.900 What I'm, what I'm trying to say is I work with men and it's something you can learn.

00:25:02.820 It is always an opportunity to learn.

00:25:06.660 We all can go, okay, this is what it is and go, what else would I need?

00:25:18.080 And as long as you have that frame of mind, my dislike when, when I go through my feeds

00:25:23.660 is you're putting words where you have no understanding of what that means.

00:25:29.980 Because now you're labeling, we all have an avoidance to discomfort.

00:25:35.380 We all have it.

00:25:37.880 Why am I forcing a, a title to a true, that I don't have a true understanding for it.

00:25:44.520 I don't know how to process an emotion or I may not know how to express it properly.

00:25:48.280 And it's both like, Hey, I remember grade nine Valentine rejections.

00:25:56.980 Right.

00:25:59.980 Four years later, when I asked somebody out for prom, where am I going?

00:26:04.180 I'm going to the memory of rejection.

00:26:06.380 Right.

00:26:07.380 But that was great.

00:26:08.380 Nine.

00:26:09.380 That was a 13 year old.

00:26:10.380 Not a 17 year old.

00:26:11.380 Right.

00:26:12.380 But the point I'm trying to make is we go to where we felt the most hurt.

00:26:16.380 If your environment doesn't encourage healing, men having issues, right?

00:26:23.380 Now you come into your mid forties, Tom Brady, there's your answer.

00:26:28.880 So it's not, he's avoided.

00:26:30.680 It's he's not processed in emotion.

00:26:33.180 Why?

00:26:33.580 Because guess what?

00:26:34.980 We weren't taught that.

00:26:35.780 So if you don't have a way to connect, that's what differentiates men processing emotion versus women processing emotion, because from a very early age, women are taught to get tuned with their emotions.

00:26:48.780 Men are taught not to get into emotion.

00:26:51.780 It's just a missed opportunity, which means that you have to learn it a lot later, which means it requires a little extra effort to trigger that thought process.

00:27:01.780 So then how do you feel about the general generalization then that women are more emotional than men?

00:27:08.280 Do you think that's true?

00:27:10.780 Women are equally emotional as men are.

00:27:15.780 Women are more aware on how to work with it. 1.00

00:27:23.580 Society, I think in the last 50 years, this label slapping is where the issue became.

00:27:29.980 Cause if you don't understand something and just put a label on it, label sounds good.

00:27:33.080 Everybody runs to the label.

00:27:35.380 The issues there, uh, both feel emotions.

00:27:39.380 One knows how to label it.

00:27:40.680 One knows how to identify it.

00:27:41.780 And one knows how to process it.

00:27:43.280 The other doesn't.

00:27:44.980 That's the difference.

00:27:46.080 And because it's a taught behavior from very early.

00:27:50.280 And you go back even 200 years, 300 years, women taught women to cycle. 0.98

00:27:57.280 There's no cycle.

00:27:59.980 So how am I going to teach my child something that didn't get?

00:28:05.880 Now I learn, they get, they learn, they give.

00:28:10.380 Three generations later, we are 10% of what you guys are today.

00:28:13.880 Yeah, that's the only, that's the difference.

00:28:18.380 It's not more or less.

00:28:19.380 It's just, you need to introduce it sometime.

00:28:21.880 But because we run to names and labels, no one's going to come into the arena.

00:28:27.680 Why would I want to step into an arena and get labels?

00:28:31.480 And I'm better off staying in the corner because that's comfort.

00:28:34.680 Yeah.

00:28:35.880 And I think that's the mindset for a lot of men too.

00:28:38.480 When the idea of therapy or, you know, unlearning certain behaviors comes about.

00:28:46.980 I think that again, it's the kind of boys will be boys mentality.

00:28:52.680 Right.

00:28:53.080 And you, you know, you brought up a very good one.

00:28:55.280 And I like that.

00:28:56.080 You said unlearning, right?

00:28:58.680 So when I'm working with clients, you sit and unlearn, it's, it's a labyrinth.

00:29:03.480 You're going to go and go, okay, where do I change it?

00:29:05.680 The way I help them frame it, I go, think of it as a software update.

00:29:11.380 Every six months, eight months, your iOS is going to update.

00:29:15.280 What are they looking for?

00:29:16.680 What is an update?

00:29:17.480 An update is you're looking at where the gaps are and you're filling them in.

00:29:21.380 So instead of us going in unlearning, why don't we update some of those files?

00:29:27.280 Regardless of what the source was, regardless, we can address those trauma points.

00:29:33.980 They, they become a position of, okay, this needs addressing.

00:29:39.980 But you still need to update because you've got to function in today's life.

00:29:43.280 So a very good example would be, and CBT is kind of neat in that because the way cognitive

00:29:49.180 behavior therapy works is that it brings awareness to your thoughts and fundamentally

00:29:53.280 it's designed to go, okay, this is my thought, this thought then yields a certain emotion,

00:29:59.380 which yields a certain behavior, right?

00:30:00.980 Because it always cascades.

00:30:03.880 So, you know, coming back to why Tom Brady can't get a date, you know, if Tom Brady is

00:30:07.980 sitting next to me, right?

00:30:10.780 I would be like, okay, you have a core belief, but you also have a core wound.

00:30:16.380 So let's separate the two because we cannot address both simultaneously.

00:30:21.780 So let's put the wound aside for a second and let's look at your belief.

00:30:26.680 Which part of that belief needs an update for you to then say, okay,

00:30:32.980 I am going to be more in tune with my emotion and I'm going to process my emotions.

00:30:37.980 So instead of me trying to rebound or go my old way of doing where you're like,

00:30:43.380 I'm just going to go find somebody else, right?

00:30:45.480 Now you're doing a corrective here because you're bringing in a new thought.

00:30:48.780 You're updating the thought.

00:30:50.080 The wound is still there, but what you've done is you've stabilized this.

00:30:53.380 Now that we've stabilized the thought, we can then go and address the wound.

00:30:59.980 Which is you had a world view, it got disrupted and you have to rebuild it.

00:31:06.180 So now you're bringing broke.

00:31:09.180 So that's how, that's how would be the most logical way of structuring it.

00:31:14.180 And that's what I usually do in sessions is work with them in that lens.

00:31:17.780 Because if you're trying to unlearn, now you're competing with childhood parenting.

00:31:23.380 And that's a tough one to crack because that's core identity.

00:31:28.580 I really like that.

00:31:29.380 I really like that.

00:31:30.080 It's rather updating your knowledge rather than unlearning something.

00:31:33.580 Because you always have an opportunity to learn.

00:31:36.680 And that's reframing.

00:31:37.680 So, you know, you kind of go, yes, I do have to address that.

00:31:41.380 So it doesn't mean that we're saying that doesn't exist or you're casting aside.

00:31:45.680 What you're doing is now you're seeing the two as two unique pathways.

00:31:49.980 And you're thinking, okay, I still need to function in today's world.

00:31:52.980 I still need to be able to go out there, regulate, move on, find happiness, because we're all deserving of that.

00:32:00.280 But instead of saying, I need to unlearn a behavior, I need to update a file.

00:32:05.180 So now it could be where you're dating and you could be like, you know what?

00:32:08.480 I'm going to be a little bit more upfront or I'm going to be a little bit more expressive or I'm going to be more true to myself.

00:32:12.580 And because I'm aware of my emotional cycle, maybe I won't schedule dates when I'm going through that cycle.

00:32:20.380 I may not have full attunement, but I have an awareness.

00:32:23.780 So what does it do now that, you know, I'm not going on Tinder for those 7, 10 days, just like how you guys have your cycle, right?

00:32:34.380 And become a little bit more aware that, okay, you know what?

00:32:39.880 I will go when I'm a little bit more baseline because now I'm going to attract not only a partner that's more at the same parallel as myself,

00:32:51.580 but I'm also able to understand that I'm looking for a partnership versus a replacement.

00:32:59.880 Do it when your hormone cycles are high, you're making a clouded judgment.

00:33:04.620 How different am I as a gender, but I'm quick to label you, you're having your time of the month, so am I.

00:33:14.080 But society doesn't educate us and it doesn't afford us to have that.

00:33:19.400 So we make it through mockery, which is not a fair thing to do.

00:33:21.580 Thank you.

00:33:23.380 Thank you for that.

00:33:24.640 Um, and if you had just like someone who is Tom Brady's age, just got out of a relationship, kind of career, definitely changing his first session with you.

00:33:35.420 What is, and you probably already answered this already, but just breaking it down, what's the first thing you would discuss?

00:33:43.240 How they see the world.

00:33:46.040 I want to like, I don't like seeing how they see the world.

00:33:51.080 I don't need to understand it.

00:33:52.420 I need to understand, I need to see it, how they see it and what is important in it.

00:33:57.080 That's why the clinic's name is Horizon Within.

00:33:58.880 Because I want to look at their horizon line, right?

00:34:01.760 Because once I know, okay, what it is that they're looking at, then I can have an understanding of why it's important to them and then go, okay, what would that solution look like?

00:34:11.060 Because at the end of the day, it's what we have in our own inner horizon is what we're seeking and striving to change.

00:34:20.780 So as your therapist, that's my job.

00:34:24.300 My job is to stand beside you and instead of critique you or say, no, that's not the right look point.

00:34:30.300 Okay, how far are you, what do you need, and how do we get you there?

00:34:36.100 Good to know.

00:34:36.760 Good to know.

00:34:37.320 And if you had any advice for anyone really going through it at the end of a relationship or trying to even make it work, even it hasn't ended yet, what advice would you give them?

00:34:49.360 Okay, get supportive care.

00:34:51.920 It's very important.

00:34:53.320 And don't be afraid to shock.

00:34:56.620 Like, you know, if you go to somebody a few sessions, it doesn't work.

00:35:00.880 Okay, find somebody.

00:35:04.240 But you need supportive care.

00:35:07.060 That's one thing I would say.

00:35:09.180 Another thing I would say is just have self-love for yourself.

00:35:16.300 And what I mean by that is instead of critiquing the errors, just kind of go, it is what it is.

00:35:25.100 It's not fair.

00:35:26.260 It's hurtful.

00:35:27.120 Recognize the emotions.

00:35:28.600 Acknowledge the emotions.

00:35:30.800 And then kind of go, okay, what is it that I would like?

00:35:34.820 Do I like to remedy it?

00:35:37.280 Would I like to walk away from it?

00:35:39.160 Because you have to understand which one you're fighting for.

00:35:43.680 It gets complex because now cultural upbringing makes a big difference.

00:35:52.060 Worldviews make a big difference.

00:35:53.360 Societal pressures make a difference.

00:35:55.800 Gender placement makes a big difference.

00:35:57.540 So the layers become a little bit more complex in that lens because, you know, from a male lens, I could be like, well, you know, da-da-da.

00:36:03.800 But maybe the kids are young and, you know, you are the earner, she's not, or da-da.

00:36:08.900 So there is no, I can't give you one universal answer to it.

00:36:13.640 But these two are constants regardless.

00:36:17.260 One, seek help.

00:36:19.340 Seek supportive help because you can't do this alone.

00:36:23.040 And two, acknowledge that it's not something that you're in error with.

00:36:28.060 And once you're able to do that, then you can structure it.

00:36:32.520 Then you can look at your realities and go, okay, you know, is it me?

00:36:36.040 Is it them?

00:36:36.740 The kids?

00:36:37.380 Da-da-da.

00:36:37.640 And now you can stack that.

00:36:38.780 That's why you need supportive care because you need somebody that's going to have an observer's lens.

00:36:44.080 That's going to be able to help you organize your thoughts.

00:36:46.440 And then go, okay, which is the best?

00:36:49.400 Because if there are kids involved, you got to make sure that family nucleus is the least disruptive because that's what you're fighting for.

00:36:59.300 House, money, all of that.

00:37:01.400 That's individual.

00:37:02.400 That's a fair fight.

00:37:06.640 But then that's why supportive care would then say, okay, what do we need to make sure that they're safe?

00:37:12.660 What do we need to make sure you're safe?

00:37:14.160 What do you need to make sure that are at all?

00:37:15.600 And now you can stack that.

00:37:17.680 Great advice, Sim.

00:37:18.660 That was a lot to unpack.

00:37:20.120 It is.

00:37:20.940 And thank you so much for joining us.

00:37:23.040 Once again, you can check out TPL Media online and all social media platforms.

00:37:26.700 And remind us once again where we can find you and if we want to contact you.

00:37:29.580 So the clinic's name is horizonwithin.ca.

00:37:33.220 The office is write down import credit.

00:37:35.540 I take clients online, in person, or over the phone.

00:37:39.800 I work with men's mental well-being, anxiety, depression, and ADHD management.

00:37:45.200 And thank you for having me.

00:37:46.180 Thank you so much.

00:37:47.020 Yeah.

00:37:48.660 Thank you.

00:37:50.420 Thank you.

00:37:51.540 Thank you.

00:37:51.580 Thank you.

Why Tom Brady Can’t Date

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