True Patriot Love


Why Tom Brady Can’t Date


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Harmful content

Misogyny

2

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Hate speech

4

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Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we are joined by psychotherapist Sim Chavra to talk about why Tom Brady can t get a date and why he doesn t seem to be in a good place in his dating life. We also discuss why celebrities like Bill Belichick and Kim Kardashian have been linked to each other.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Hey, everyone. Welcome back to true Patriot love. I'm Shaleza
00:00:08.100 Backus and yes, I'm a new face here. So thank you so much for
00:00:11.340 joining in and make sure to follow us on social media. You
00:00:13.600 can find us online at TPL media. And if you don't know anything
00:00:17.980 about me, let me introduce myself a little bit. So I am
00:00:20.320 kind of a pop culture freak. I like to talk about Hollywood. I
00:00:23.920 like to talk about famous athletes. Now ask me what my
00:00:26.960 sports knowledges. And I probably couldn't tell you the
00:00:30.260 three football players I could probably name are Tom Brady and
00:00:32.860 the Kelsey brothers. And speaking of Tom Brady, he recently
00:00:36.740 well, not that recently, I guess he is now single. He ended his
00:00:40.400 marriage with Gisele Bunchden. He's been linked to Kim
00:00:43.640 Kardashian, most recently Alex Earl, but it doesn't seem like
00:00:47.120 anything really sticks. So to talk about why Tom Brady can't
00:00:52.120 get a date. We are bringing in Sim Chavra. How are you? Nice to
00:00:55.920 meet you. Nice to meet you too. I'm really excited for this.
00:00:58.860 So tell us a little bit about yourself. I'm sure the TPL
00:01:02.020 audience is quite familiar with you, but go ahead.
00:01:05.100 So I have a clinic right down the street. It's called Horizon
00:01:07.920 Within. I do psychotherapy work and it's good to be on the
00:01:12.160 show.
00:01:12.740 Well, it's lovely to have you. So what do you focus on? And I
00:01:16.980 think maybe a better question would be, you've focused a lot on
00:01:21.480 men's mental health. And do you think that that ties into dating
00:01:25.580 life?
00:01:27.120 It does. So I focus on anxiety management. I focus on
00:01:32.000 depression management, ADHD management and men's mental
00:01:35.040 wellbeing. And one of the things that I focus on greatly with a lot
00:01:39.860 of men is identity and sense of purpose. So dating does play.
00:01:46.400 That's interesting then. So we've got somebody like Tom Brady, who
00:01:49.940 he's got seven rings, I think. I think that's right. I just know
00:01:53.000 that because that's an Ariana Grande reference, but he is wildly
00:01:57.240 successful and now he's retired. His marriage, his long term
00:02:00.420 marriage ended. How do you think that affects mental health and how
00:02:04.520 do you move forward after that?
00:02:06.800 That's a very good question, but I will add that he has eight
00:02:10.460 rings because Giselle gave her back.
00:02:13.040 I like that one.
00:02:14.960 Did you watch the Netflix?
00:02:16.640 Yes, yes.
00:02:17.540 She was so good. Oh, my God, man.
00:02:20.120 I think she was on a tear.
00:02:21.440 I think she got out at the right time. Let's just leave it at
00:02:24.300 that.
00:02:24.680 Yeah. So coming back to the serious side of things, it absolutely
00:02:30.720 does because the biggest challenge that I notice when you go
00:02:37.600 through such a steep life transition is that you kind of
00:02:43.480 build this achievement stepladder, right? And it's broad, but finish
00:02:52.480 school, get a career, get settled, have kids, right?
00:02:57.540 Getting a divorce, regardless of whether you're Tom Brady or an
00:03:03.420 average Joe, it's a big setback for the individual. And it applies
00:03:09.220 to both sides of the relationship. But because I primarily focus on
00:03:13.460 men, they attach a different identity to it. And I find that for
00:03:18.820 them, it's a deconstruction of their core identity because they
00:03:24.580 feel like that's the sequential growth they have to kind of
00:03:27.820 achieve. So, so, yeah, I do notice that quite a bit.
00:03:33.100 So then, okay, let's talk about his life after his divorce. Then
00:03:36.400 he's been linked to Kim Kardashian, never really confirmed that they
00:03:40.520 were dating. And most recently, Alex Earl, who is a social media
00:03:43.840 influencer, but also quite young.
00:03:46.240 Yeah.
00:03:46.960 Do you think that there's a correlation between that?
00:03:49.720 Um, it's hard to say, uh, because you could look at, uh, Bill Belichick,
00:03:55.360 right? With the 25 year old that he's with men are odd that way in, in, and
00:04:01.960 it's kind of unfair to categorize them because I think these, uh, media
00:04:07.400 personalities or celebrities are a bit of an anomaly when it comes to rebound
00:04:12.900 partners. Um, so you can't really typecast it, but would it pay an influence in
00:04:18.880 terms of the way he's going about and expressing his way of rebounding?
00:04:25.480 Absolutely. Yeah.
00:04:26.800 Yeah. And I, again, tell me about like rebounding actually, just like, you
00:04:31.260 know, ring some bells in my head.
00:04:33.160 Like, I feel like everybody kind of experiences that differently.
00:04:36.500 It could go one way, either you jump back into something right away with
00:04:39.460 someone, or you're on your own and you're depressed in a corner for a year.
00:04:43.600 How does that tie in with your mental health and how do you, how do different
00:04:48.160 people experience that after the end of a significant relationship?
00:04:52.540 I like how you brought up two good points.
00:04:54.100 You know, you brought up how quickly people get back into the game versus,
00:04:58.060 you know, how people process the disappointment.
00:05:01.180 Um, it can go either way.
00:05:03.460 There is no one true answer, I believe, uh, because, you know, our society teaches
00:05:07.900 us, Hey, get back on your feet, you know, get, get back into it.
00:05:10.960 You know, they're gone, it's figured out, but it, it becomes very unique to that
00:05:16.180 person and what relationship or being in a relationship meant to them.
00:05:21.040 So it's not necessarily about, you know, the person that left them.
00:05:24.140 It's the meaning that they attached to being with that one person.
00:05:28.420 Um, I think culture plays a big role in that.
00:05:31.240 Uh, because if you look at it from like, um, a Western individualistic lens, right?
00:05:37.600 Like it's, it's very sequential.
00:05:39.160 It's like, you know, I marry a person and then it's me and that person, we build a life.
00:05:44.140 Um, if you look at it from the flip side and you look at it from a collectivist
00:05:47.480 culture, you, you're marrying into a family system.
00:05:52.300 So to answer that same question now, when you look at it through two different
00:05:55.200 lenses, um, the rebound would come through an individualistic lens because
00:06:00.180 they are just looking at themselves.
00:06:01.620 They're looking at, okay, what do I need to do to solve my problem?
00:06:04.500 And how do I get back onto my feet?
00:06:07.200 Because it's a self-correcting aspect.
00:06:10.520 So Tom Brady is a perfect example of that because it's kind of like, okay,
00:06:14.940 she's moved on.
00:06:15.700 She's done her thing.
00:06:16.960 I've gone through my dating phase, whether it's Kim Kardashian or whoever
00:06:19.860 the most recent one is, um, and I need to move on with my life.
00:06:24.900 The second part of the question that you really asked that I liked is, well,
00:06:29.160 what about the ones that take a bit longer?
00:06:30.900 And those are more where they have like family systems.
00:06:33.300 So it could be where they attached a different meaning to being in a relationship.
00:06:37.380 They attached a different meaning because for them, it became more of a nucleus of
00:06:41.880 two personalities that merge.
00:06:44.100 And now they have to uncouple themselves from that identity.
00:06:47.360 That's, that's actually a really interesting point.
00:06:50.720 I think you, like, I don't think a lot of people realize that sometimes when you're
00:06:54.920 in a relationship for such a long time, it truly does become part of your identity.
00:06:59.540 And sometimes you don't really know who you are outside of that relationship.
00:07:04.240 And do you find that that happens with a lot of people that you talk to or have
00:07:07.340 talked to?
00:07:08.600 Uh, I find that like, especially when I'm working with middle-aged men, I've
00:07:13.600 noticed that a bit, especially when they have put a significant number of years, uh,
00:07:20.140 into that relationship where they don't have a true identity of themselves.
00:07:25.540 Um, and it can be said fairly for both sides.
00:07:29.220 So, but having worked with a lot of men, especially middle-aged that are going through
00:07:33.760 that transition, it becomes a bit harder for them because, you know, men are brought up
00:07:40.420 with markers, right?
00:07:41.500 Like it's, um, achieve a, then achieve B, then achieve C, then achieve D, right?
00:07:46.060 And that's your sense of identity.
00:07:47.960 So any, uh, rupture then interrupts the identity.
00:07:52.960 And that's why I kind of work with identity, uh, a lot, because I feel like once they kind
00:07:58.080 of like go, okay, it doesn't matter what I'm experiencing at this moment, I'm still
00:08:03.400 an individual, and then depending on cultural upbringing, if they're coming from an individualistic
00:08:11.740 upbringing, it's very easy for them to recognize that boundary and go, okay, um, that's a life
00:08:17.280 experience.
00:08:18.340 I'm still myself.
00:08:19.600 How do I get back to myself?
00:08:21.700 Collective cultures, it becomes a lot more difficult because that was their identity.
00:08:26.360 I was a husband or I was a, and now introducing that, especially in middle-aged and up, it's
00:08:34.060 a lot more difficult.
00:08:36.060 It's not, it's not impossible.
00:08:38.320 It just, it requires a little bit of extra work because now you're introducing individual
00:08:43.360 that was a husband.
00:08:44.820 Yes.
00:08:45.680 And I think even as an ex-husband, especially when there are kids involved, when there's a
00:08:51.540 family that you've built with this person, your ex will always be a part of your life.
00:08:56.080 Right.
00:08:56.380 Because you've got your kids, you've still got your family, you want to keep them as
00:08:59.960 close as you possibly can.
00:09:01.860 And so when somebody else is coming into that equation, when Tom or someone like Tom Brady
00:09:06.680 would start dating again, there's a lot that comes with that.
00:09:11.080 So do you think that people are actually equipped to handle that?
00:09:14.460 They see somebody who's like sparkly and famous like Tom Brady, but then you have to realize
00:09:19.300 his ex will probably still always be a part of his life in some way.
00:09:23.000 He's got kids.
00:09:23.800 He's got a lot that he's dealt with before and he's not playing the sport that he's
00:09:28.580 famous for playing anymore.
00:09:30.020 So do you think that that might scare some people away once they actually get into it?
00:09:34.520 What do you mean by like the, the, which people?
00:09:37.920 Like the people he would date.
00:09:39.840 Okay.
00:09:40.360 I see what you're saying.
00:09:41.180 Would his future partner have difficulties transitioning into this dual split relationship?
00:09:49.320 It's like Tiger Woods is a good example of that because if you look at, you know, when
00:09:56.020 his separation happened and you're looking at how like he's dating Laura Trump now, which
00:10:01.580 doesn't matter.
00:10:03.380 It's not about the politics, but it's just the fact that she's also coming from a divorce
00:10:07.220 setting because, um, Trump juniors, the point I'm trying to make, I'm not, I'm not categorizing
00:10:14.600 the individuals.
00:10:15.620 What I'm saying is a lot of times you're going to get the Brady Bunch blends.
00:10:20.120 So I don't think so.
00:10:22.040 It's a partner issue.
00:10:23.140 I think what it is, it's, it's a communication issue where you're respecting the nucleuses and
00:10:28.960 you're affording that the other parent still has access to that child because it's a creation of
00:10:35.400 them and to be supportive because you have to kind of understand depending on the age of the
00:10:41.400 children, because his kids are young, you want to keep it as, uh, civil as possible so they can
00:10:48.200 then recognize their rupture, uh, that they're experiencing in their family nucleus through their
00:10:54.600 eyes and now as parents, even though you're separated, you are affording them as much of
00:11:02.640 consistency as possible.
00:11:05.100 So then what about then when you think you've established a relationship with a new person,
00:11:10.880 what is it like introducing them to your kids?
00:11:16.620 Too early is not the best.
00:11:18.620 Um, because there, I would say you have to look at the age, age range.
00:11:24.600 Um, and you also have to look at the style of communication you have with that child.
00:11:30.960 So you could be either parent, um, if they witness multiple partners and they are in their
00:11:38.760 formidable years.
00:11:39.620 So anybody that's 12 and under for them, sense of safety is very different because, um, they 0.92
00:11:46.580 quite haven't developed a part of where the world is not as, uh, overwhelming and intimidating.
00:11:54.420 So for them, if they see multiple partners and I'm generalizing here, I'm not saying it's,
00:12:00.300 it's predictably common, but, um, it has a deeper impact.
00:12:05.660 They may not, uh, express it.
00:12:07.640 They may not present it, but you'll see attachment, dissociative disorders down the road when they
00:12:14.340 kind of go, okay, maybe I don't need, I can't, I don't know how.
00:12:17.740 Um, but if they're in their teen years, by the time we're teens, we're tending to kind
00:12:24.180 of come and come into our own world because our prefrontal cortex is coming into being.
00:12:28.640 So we're processing the world in a very different way.
00:12:30.900 So we have an ability to kind of discern where you'd be like, okay, I don't agree with it.
00:12:35.200 I don't understand it, but I know how to block it.
00:12:36.980 Um, young adult and up now you've kind of formed your own opinions in life.
00:12:43.060 You may, may not, uh, vocally express it, but you've carved enough of your own personal life
00:12:50.220 where it doesn't impact you the same way, uh, because you may have moved out or, you know,
00:12:56.840 you have a partner of your own or you're in uni.
00:12:59.100 There's something significant happening in your life where a parent's partner choice
00:13:04.160 doesn't make that much of an impact.
00:13:06.180 It will have an influence, which is very different because it's still a parent, but
00:13:10.060 impact won't be as significant.
00:13:12.500 That's interesting.
00:13:13.860 And then I'm thinking now, okay, say you've established a relationship with a new partner,
00:13:19.940 but your child is really struggling with it.
00:13:23.300 Your child doesn't like your new partner.
00:13:25.580 Your child doesn't get along with your new partner.
00:13:27.680 How then do you navigate that situation?
00:13:31.520 That's communication.
00:13:32.840 Uh, that's genuine communication.
00:13:35.380 Uh, age always plays a significant role.
00:13:38.340 Plus also, uh, how their relationship is with the other parent.
00:13:45.020 So what that, what I'm trying to get at here is, so say for example, take, um, Tiger Woods.
00:13:52.380 Okay.
00:13:54.340 And I think it was like within a year and a half, he started dating.
00:13:56.960 The kids were young.
00:13:57.840 Uh, and so for them, it would be more like, okay, you know, is you respectful of my mom?
00:14:04.420 Is I'm going to be safe?
00:14:05.200 Because kids come from that, from that lens.
00:14:07.660 They're looking for how, um, interrupted is my life and how can I put it together?
00:14:14.340 They're processing their world through that rupture.
00:14:16.540 So it's not about whether you need to have a conversation and say, you need to like this
00:14:21.720 person because I like them or whatever.
00:14:23.320 The parent, either parent has to recognize that the viewpoint of that child is my, the way
00:14:32.120 I see the world is interrupted and I am trying to understand whether it's a friend or a foe.
00:14:38.100 So if either one where the partner's changed, their coping response now is going to be, I don't
00:14:46.260 understand it.
00:14:47.140 So I'm going to go avoid it, but now it's becoming permanent marriage or move in or whatever.
00:14:53.980 So the pushback is not necessarily, I don't like the individual.
00:14:57.480 The pushback is more, my world's changing all over again.
00:15:01.800 I have a ruptured experience that has not been addressed.
00:15:04.780 I don't know how to express it because I'm under 10.
00:15:07.020 My brain doesn't know how to process it.
00:15:08.920 And the only way I can express it out is by saying I have a dislike.
00:15:13.980 So that's what needs to be looked at, uh, first.
00:15:17.900 And it's something that is not trivial to explore.
00:15:21.560 You just have to look at it through the child's lens and you can understand, okay, it's an
00:15:24.540 interruption.
00:15:25.260 What do I need to do to, to address that, have the conversation at that level?
00:15:29.200 This is something that you need, uh, support and guidance.
00:15:33.600 So you need somebody that's coming from that, uh, uh, professional lens.
00:15:37.580 So like a mental health support or a, um, psychologist or, or a family therapist, because you're going
00:15:45.140 to be looking at something that's a little bit more complex.
00:15:48.500 Um, but that, that, what that does is when it gives the child the opportunity to understand,
00:15:53.780 Hey, this is what I feel, but it also gives them an opportunity to recognize that the other
00:15:59.180 individual is not necessarily a foe, which helps them.
00:16:04.340 That's interesting.
00:16:05.080 So then how, what happens if all of that, all of that, that you're trying to say, what if it
00:16:10.480 doesn't work, what if there's still some sort of dislike, some sort of disconnect between your
00:16:15.860 child and a new partner?
00:16:17.120 And what if your back really is up against the wall and you have to choose?
00:16:21.860 Um, those, those extremes, uh, because you're not, I mean, for you to hit dot, uh, that stress
00:16:30.620 point, um, there's gotta be some other significant complexities to it because it's not going to be
00:16:36.140 a linear, I don't like it.
00:16:37.500 I'm going to put my foot down again.
00:16:40.680 So when it becomes individual, uh, you're going to have to address it where, um, something needs
00:16:46.840 to be understood.
00:16:47.920 Uh, maybe, you know, it needs, it, it requires, uh, family counseling.
00:16:54.780 Uh, it requires a transition structure.
00:16:58.380 It requires a little bit more of a support.
00:17:01.480 So I'll kind of give you, uh, uh, extreme example that would kind of match that.
00:17:06.280 So let's say Brady was still playing.
00:17:09.280 Okay.
00:17:09.460 So let's put them back in the game.
00:17:12.340 18 weeks.
00:17:14.140 He has to be, um, of which nine weeks he's on the road, nine weeks, he's playing at home.
00:17:21.520 But each week for those 18 weeks plus pre-season, and let's assume he's going to go post-season.
00:17:27.660 Right.
00:17:29.020 You start doing the math.
00:17:30.060 Now you're looking at from August till February, there's an absent parent.
00:17:37.620 That child, no matter what age they are, they're going to have an issue because they're
00:17:44.100 completely with this new person.
00:17:46.800 Their reaction is you, you're going to hit that wall very, very quickly because there's
00:17:51.080 a environmental, um, variable that leaves the child exposed.
00:17:57.100 They could be the best.
00:17:58.500 They could have been a better partner than their mom, but we're not measuring that.
00:18:03.740 We're looking at where the stress point is, but now he's retired.
00:18:08.040 Now he's a, a sports caster, but that's of choice.
00:18:14.740 Um, so it, it changes the script a bit.
00:18:18.820 So now the pushback may not necessarily be the same.
00:18:21.460 So you have to also look at which outstanding variable is causing that pushback to then address
00:18:30.620 it and go, okay, what do we do to solve it?
00:18:32.380 Um, I mean, life's hard, there's just a lot that there's a lot to go through.
00:18:37.480 So let's come back to kind of the lighter point.
00:18:40.360 Why can't Tom Brady get a date?
00:18:43.240 Why, why do you think he can't?
00:18:45.040 Because of his diet, which is what, like a vegan diet.
00:18:53.320 Listen, a lot of people are vegan now.
00:18:55.480 Yeah, I'm not saying, listen, from a therapist lens, you asked me a question.
00:19:01.900 I'm not, I'm, I'm just, you know, a big comical about it.
00:19:05.280 Um, it's a good question.
00:19:07.980 Like, you know, it's, I feel he hasn't quite resolved his wound.
00:19:17.440 How so?
00:19:20.460 Setbacks, regardless of how you express it into the world, um, they are deep and personal
00:19:28.080 and it, it requires a journey.
00:19:30.900 That doesn't mean you have to sit there and wallow in it, but it's, it's something where
00:19:37.380 you have to kind of go, okay, like, why did I hit that wall?
00:19:42.360 You know, uh, that doesn't mean it's something flawed about yourself.
00:19:47.700 It's not, you know, and that's something that I kind of like always work when I'm working
00:19:51.180 with clients, I go, it's not about what you did wrong because we kind of like, okay, maybe
00:19:56.460 I messed up somewhere.
00:19:57.780 Not where you messed up.
00:19:59.300 It's how you structured the way you thought that would be right.
00:20:05.840 Um, a very good example.
00:20:07.540 And it's very common in South Asian cultures, you know, oh, you want to do something after 1.00
00:20:13.140 marriage, right?
00:20:14.000 Like it's, it's the classic single line.
00:20:18.380 You want to stay out till 12 after marriage, right?
00:20:20.940 You want, right.
00:20:21.740 So now imagine now this, this is where like cultures play a big role.
00:20:28.280 So more collective lens.
00:20:29.360 Let's assume like, you know, uh, Tom Brady's like Virat Kohli, cricketer.
00:20:34.100 Like for him, he created this reality that after marriage, I would have all these things to
00:20:39.600 do.
00:20:40.060 And now he's divorced.
00:20:41.280 Well, he has to process that disappointment because now he has to reconcile that.
00:20:46.560 Am I doing this after my divorce?
00:20:48.200 You see what I'm saying?
00:20:49.040 Now, what do I do?
00:20:49.860 Because technically I'm still single.
00:20:51.280 So am I back to square one or better?
00:20:54.900 Tom Brady's lens, same disappointment.
00:20:57.940 But you still need to process that hurt because for him, it was not after I was going to get
00:21:02.340 married, it was once I was married, same.
00:21:07.860 There's, there's a component of a addition to their life, but it's once and after they
00:21:14.120 both have to, they both have to process it.
00:21:16.580 So I'm not making an opinion that he there's, this is the reason why he's not getting a date.
00:21:24.540 What I'm saying is that I don't feel it's truly processed.
00:21:29.040 Men aren't taught to process that date.
00:21:31.440 End of story.
00:21:32.940 Sorry.
00:21:33.540 We just aren't taught to process that deeply.
00:21:37.860 And okay.
00:21:39.180 So this brings in a whole different conversation about men's mental health.
00:21:43.320 And we were talking about this off the air that, you know, men's mental health is something
00:21:48.220 that really and truly does need to be explored.
00:21:50.500 When we talk about talking about our feelings, talking about how things make us feel somehow,
00:21:55.380 that's so much easier for women than it is for men.
00:21:59.020 And I don't think a lot of men realize how it affects their lives and how it affects their
00:22:04.600 relationships.
00:22:05.300 We realize it.
00:22:06.300 We just don't know how to connect the dots.
00:22:12.140 It's very different.
00:22:13.100 So the awareness is always there.
00:22:15.720 It's just we learn early in our path of growth that boys don't cry or boys don't express emotions
00:22:30.640 that openly.
00:22:31.600 It's changing now.
00:22:32.600 But that doesn't mean like, you know, we got to take it in and hold it strong.
00:22:38.520 It's just, it's a learned part of it.
00:22:44.400 We aren't really, we don't spend time in it.
00:22:49.500 The missed opportunity is not in societal learning.
00:22:54.300 The missed opportunity is understanding that, you know, when we are going through puberty,
00:23:01.220 we are made to become a little bit more cognizant of that emotional change.
00:23:06.140 We will be emotionally connected when we were young adults.
00:23:08.860 That's where it gets missed.
00:23:10.420 Because when women are going through puberty, you're taught to pay attention to your body. 1.00
00:23:14.840 You're taught to pay attention to the cycles of your body.
00:23:18.420 We also experience it, but we're not taught how to pay attention to it.
00:23:22.200 So then it becomes, oh, boys will be boys, right?
00:23:24.340 But we're going through hormonal changes.
00:23:27.540 That's where it gets missed.
00:23:28.680 So you introduce that in present time and you go back and go, you know what, in sex ed,
00:23:33.440 we're going to introduce just how to show them how to become aware that yes, men also
00:23:39.580 go through a puberty cycle because we, you produce sperm at a certain cycle.
00:23:44.860 So your body's going to go through it.
00:23:46.360 We're none of us are aware of it.
00:23:47.580 So we may feel aggression, but we may not understand it.
00:23:51.060 Once you start connecting that dot, it becomes individual.
00:23:53.940 Then just like yourselves, we then become aware and go, I know my cycle, which means I'm going
00:24:00.820 to be a little bit more aggressive, which means I need better tools to express.
00:24:07.560 It changes the game.
00:24:08.980 That's where the answer is, or A answer.
00:24:11.300 Well, yeah, A answer for sure.
00:24:14.060 But I just think, so then what about the men who are in adulthood who still don't know
00:24:19.940 how to deal with those things and how to, and maybe this is like, you know, maybe this
00:24:26.280 is me falling down the rabbit hole on social media, just seeing all of these like relationship
00:24:29.940 videos come up on my timeline and people talking about attachment styles and how so many men
00:24:34.820 are avoidant.
00:24:35.820 Yeah.
00:24:36.820 Is that something that's, that's taught?
00:24:41.240 Is that environmental?
00:24:43.160 It's all of the both.
00:24:46.160 I don't like peas on my plate.
00:24:48.160 You know, like not ridiculing or minimizing what you're saying.
00:24:52.700 I agree with you.
00:24:53.900 What I'm, what I'm trying to say is I work with men and it's something you can learn.
00:25:02.820 It is always an opportunity to learn.
00:25:06.660 We all can go, okay, this is what it is and go, what else would I need?
00:25:18.080 And as long as you have that frame of mind, my dislike when, when I go through my feeds
00:25:23.660 is you're putting words where you have no understanding of what that means.
00:25:29.980 Because now you're labeling, we all have an avoidance to discomfort.
00:25:35.380 We all have it.
00:25:37.880 Why am I forcing a, a title to a true, that I don't have a true understanding for it.
00:25:44.520 I don't know how to process an emotion or I may not know how to express it properly.
00:25:48.280 And it's both like, Hey, I remember grade nine Valentine rejections.
00:25:56.980 Right.
00:25:59.980 Four years later, when I asked somebody out for prom, where am I going?
00:26:04.180 I'm going to the memory of rejection.
00:26:06.380 Right.
00:26:07.380 But that was great.
00:26:08.380 Nine.
00:26:09.380 That was a 13 year old.
00:26:10.380 Not a 17 year old.
00:26:11.380 Right.
00:26:12.380 But the point I'm trying to make is we go to where we felt the most hurt.
00:26:16.380 If your environment doesn't encourage healing, men having issues, right?
00:26:23.380 Now you come into your mid forties, Tom Brady, there's your answer.
00:26:28.880 So it's not, he's avoided.
00:26:30.680 It's he's not processed in emotion.
00:26:33.180 Why?
00:26:33.580 Because guess what?
00:26:34.980 We weren't taught that.
00:26:35.780 So if you don't have a way to connect, that's what differentiates men processing emotion versus women processing emotion, because from a very early age, women are taught to get tuned with their emotions.
00:26:48.780 Men are taught not to get into emotion.
00:26:51.780 It's just a missed opportunity, which means that you have to learn it a lot later, which means it requires a little extra effort to trigger that thought process.
00:27:01.780 So then how do you feel about the general generalization then that women are more emotional than men?
00:27:08.280 Do you think that's true?
00:27:10.780 Women are equally emotional as men are.
00:27:15.780 Women are more aware on how to work with it. 1.00
00:27:23.580 Society, I think in the last 50 years, this label slapping is where the issue became.
00:27:29.980 Cause if you don't understand something and just put a label on it, label sounds good.
00:27:33.080 Everybody runs to the label.
00:27:35.380 The issues there, uh, both feel emotions.
00:27:39.380 One knows how to label it.
00:27:40.680 One knows how to identify it.
00:27:41.780 And one knows how to process it.
00:27:43.280 The other doesn't.
00:27:44.980 That's the difference.
00:27:46.080 And because it's a taught behavior from very early.
00:27:50.280 And you go back even 200 years, 300 years, women taught women to cycle. 0.98
00:27:57.280 There's no cycle.
00:27:59.980 So how am I going to teach my child something that didn't get?
00:28:05.880 Now I learn, they get, they learn, they give.
00:28:10.380 Three generations later, we are 10% of what you guys are today.
00:28:13.880 Yeah, that's the only, that's the difference.
00:28:18.380 It's not more or less.
00:28:19.380 It's just, you need to introduce it sometime.
00:28:21.880 But because we run to names and labels, no one's going to come into the arena.
00:28:27.680 Why would I want to step into an arena and get labels?
00:28:31.480 And I'm better off staying in the corner because that's comfort.
00:28:34.680 Yeah.
00:28:35.880 And I think that's the mindset for a lot of men too.
00:28:38.480 When the idea of therapy or, you know, unlearning certain behaviors comes about.
00:28:46.980 I think that again, it's the kind of boys will be boys mentality.
00:28:52.680 Right.
00:28:53.080 And you, you know, you brought up a very good one.
00:28:55.280 And I like that.
00:28:56.080 You said unlearning, right?
00:28:58.680 So when I'm working with clients, you sit and unlearn, it's, it's a labyrinth.
00:29:03.480 You're going to go and go, okay, where do I change it?
00:29:05.680 The way I help them frame it, I go, think of it as a software update.
00:29:11.380 Every six months, eight months, your iOS is going to update.
00:29:15.280 What are they looking for?
00:29:16.680 What is an update?
00:29:17.480 An update is you're looking at where the gaps are and you're filling them in.
00:29:21.380 So instead of us going in unlearning, why don't we update some of those files?
00:29:27.280 Regardless of what the source was, regardless, we can address those trauma points.
00:29:33.980 They, they become a position of, okay, this needs addressing.
00:29:39.980 But you still need to update because you've got to function in today's life.
00:29:43.280 So a very good example would be, and CBT is kind of neat in that because the way cognitive
00:29:49.180 behavior therapy works is that it brings awareness to your thoughts and fundamentally
00:29:53.280 it's designed to go, okay, this is my thought, this thought then yields a certain emotion,
00:29:59.380 which yields a certain behavior, right?
00:30:00.980 Because it always cascades.
00:30:03.880 So, you know, coming back to why Tom Brady can't get a date, you know, if Tom Brady is
00:30:07.980 sitting next to me, right?
00:30:10.780 I would be like, okay, you have a core belief, but you also have a core wound.
00:30:16.380 So let's separate the two because we cannot address both simultaneously.
00:30:21.780 So let's put the wound aside for a second and let's look at your belief.
00:30:26.680 Which part of that belief needs an update for you to then say, okay,
00:30:32.980 I am going to be more in tune with my emotion and I'm going to process my emotions.
00:30:37.980 So instead of me trying to rebound or go my old way of doing where you're like,
00:30:43.380 I'm just going to go find somebody else, right?
00:30:45.480 Now you're doing a corrective here because you're bringing in a new thought.
00:30:48.780 You're updating the thought.
00:30:50.080 The wound is still there, but what you've done is you've stabilized this.
00:30:53.380 Now that we've stabilized the thought, we can then go and address the wound.
00:30:59.980 Which is you had a world view, it got disrupted and you have to rebuild it.
00:31:06.180 So now you're bringing broke.
00:31:09.180 So that's how, that's how would be the most logical way of structuring it.
00:31:14.180 And that's what I usually do in sessions is work with them in that lens.
00:31:17.780 Because if you're trying to unlearn, now you're competing with childhood parenting.
00:31:23.380 And that's a tough one to crack because that's core identity.
00:31:28.580 I really like that.
00:31:29.380 I really like that.
00:31:30.080 It's rather updating your knowledge rather than unlearning something.
00:31:33.580 Because you always have an opportunity to learn.
00:31:36.680 And that's reframing.
00:31:37.680 So, you know, you kind of go, yes, I do have to address that.
00:31:41.380 So it doesn't mean that we're saying that doesn't exist or you're casting aside.
00:31:45.680 What you're doing is now you're seeing the two as two unique pathways.
00:31:49.980 And you're thinking, okay, I still need to function in today's world.
00:31:52.980 I still need to be able to go out there, regulate, move on, find happiness, because we're all deserving of that.
00:32:00.280 But instead of saying, I need to unlearn a behavior, I need to update a file.
00:32:05.180 So now it could be where you're dating and you could be like, you know what?
00:32:08.480 I'm going to be a little bit more upfront or I'm going to be a little bit more expressive or I'm going to be more true to myself.
00:32:12.580 And because I'm aware of my emotional cycle, maybe I won't schedule dates when I'm going through that cycle.
00:32:20.380 I may not have full attunement, but I have an awareness.
00:32:23.780 So what does it do now that, you know, I'm not going on Tinder for those 7, 10 days, just like how you guys have your cycle, right?
00:32:34.380 And become a little bit more aware that, okay, you know what?
00:32:39.880 I will go when I'm a little bit more baseline because now I'm going to attract not only a partner that's more at the same parallel as myself,
00:32:51.580 but I'm also able to understand that I'm looking for a partnership versus a replacement.
00:32:59.880 Do it when your hormone cycles are high, you're making a clouded judgment.
00:33:04.620 How different am I as a gender, but I'm quick to label you, you're having your time of the month, so am I.
00:33:14.080 But society doesn't educate us and it doesn't afford us to have that.
00:33:19.400 So we make it through mockery, which is not a fair thing to do.
00:33:21.580 Thank you.
00:33:23.380 Thank you for that.
00:33:24.640 Um, and if you had just like someone who is Tom Brady's age, just got out of a relationship, kind of career, definitely changing his first session with you.
00:33:35.420 What is, and you probably already answered this already, but just breaking it down, what's the first thing you would discuss?
00:33:43.240 How they see the world.
00:33:46.040 I want to like, I don't like seeing how they see the world.
00:33:51.080 I don't need to understand it.
00:33:52.420 I need to understand, I need to see it, how they see it and what is important in it.
00:33:57.080 That's why the clinic's name is Horizon Within.
00:33:58.880 Because I want to look at their horizon line, right?
00:34:01.760 Because once I know, okay, what it is that they're looking at, then I can have an understanding of why it's important to them and then go, okay, what would that solution look like?
00:34:11.060 Because at the end of the day, it's what we have in our own inner horizon is what we're seeking and striving to change.
00:34:20.780 So as your therapist, that's my job.
00:34:24.300 My job is to stand beside you and instead of critique you or say, no, that's not the right look point.
00:34:30.300 Okay, how far are you, what do you need, and how do we get you there?
00:34:36.100 Good to know.
00:34:36.760 Good to know.
00:34:37.320 And if you had any advice for anyone really going through it at the end of a relationship or trying to even make it work, even it hasn't ended yet, what advice would you give them?
00:34:49.360 Okay, get supportive care.
00:34:51.920 It's very important.
00:34:53.320 And don't be afraid to shock.
00:34:56.620 Like, you know, if you go to somebody a few sessions, it doesn't work.
00:35:00.880 Okay, find somebody.
00:35:04.240 But you need supportive care.
00:35:07.060 That's one thing I would say.
00:35:09.180 Another thing I would say is just have self-love for yourself.
00:35:16.300 And what I mean by that is instead of critiquing the errors, just kind of go, it is what it is.
00:35:25.100 It's not fair.
00:35:26.260 It's hurtful.
00:35:27.120 Recognize the emotions.
00:35:28.600 Acknowledge the emotions.
00:35:30.800 And then kind of go, okay, what is it that I would like?
00:35:34.820 Do I like to remedy it?
00:35:37.280 Would I like to walk away from it?
00:35:39.160 Because you have to understand which one you're fighting for.
00:35:43.680 It gets complex because now cultural upbringing makes a big difference.
00:35:52.060 Worldviews make a big difference.
00:35:53.360 Societal pressures make a difference.
00:35:55.800 Gender placement makes a big difference.
00:35:57.540 So the layers become a little bit more complex in that lens because, you know, from a male lens, I could be like, well, you know, da-da-da.
00:36:03.800 But maybe the kids are young and, you know, you are the earner, she's not, or da-da.
00:36:08.900 So there is no, I can't give you one universal answer to it.
00:36:13.640 But these two are constants regardless.
00:36:17.260 One, seek help.
00:36:19.340 Seek supportive help because you can't do this alone.
00:36:23.040 And two, acknowledge that it's not something that you're in error with.
00:36:28.060 And once you're able to do that, then you can structure it.
00:36:32.520 Then you can look at your realities and go, okay, you know, is it me?
00:36:36.040 Is it them?
00:36:36.740 The kids?
00:36:37.380 Da-da-da.
00:36:37.640 And now you can stack that.
00:36:38.780 That's why you need supportive care because you need somebody that's going to have an observer's lens.
00:36:44.080 That's going to be able to help you organize your thoughts.
00:36:46.440 And then go, okay, which is the best?
00:36:49.400 Because if there are kids involved, you got to make sure that family nucleus is the least disruptive because that's what you're fighting for.
00:36:59.300 House, money, all of that.
00:37:01.400 That's individual.
00:37:02.400 That's a fair fight.
00:37:06.640 But then that's why supportive care would then say, okay, what do we need to make sure that they're safe?
00:37:12.660 What do we need to make sure you're safe?
00:37:14.160 What do you need to make sure that are at all?
00:37:15.600 And now you can stack that.
00:37:17.680 Great advice, Sim.
00:37:18.660 That was a lot to unpack.
00:37:20.120 It is.
00:37:20.940 And thank you so much for joining us.
00:37:23.040 Once again, you can check out TPL Media online and all social media platforms.
00:37:26.700 And remind us once again where we can find you and if we want to contact you.
00:37:29.580 So the clinic's name is horizonwithin.ca.
00:37:33.220 The office is write down import credit.
00:37:35.540 I take clients online, in person, or over the phone.
00:37:39.800 I work with men's mental well-being, anxiety, depression, and ADHD management.
00:37:45.200 And thank you for having me.
00:37:46.180 Thank you so much.
00:37:47.020 Yeah.
00:37:48.660 Thank you.
00:37:50.420 Thank you.
00:37:51.540 Thank you.
00:37:51.580 Thank you.