“The Single Point Of Failure For Boys” - Scott Galloway WARNS Absent Fathers Create BROKEN Men
Episode Stats
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199.70773
Summary
When a boy loses a male role model in his life, it can have a profound effect on the way he views the world. In this episode, Scott talks about his relationship with his father and how it shaped him into the man he is today.
Transcript
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Scott, what was your relationship like with your father growing up?
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Well, I'll answer and then I'll put the question back to you.
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My dad was married and divorced four times as far as we know.
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He started his third marriage while married to my mom.
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When they got divorced, he moved to Ohio, so he wasn't very involved in my life.
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He wasn't a bad father, never abused me, but wasn't as generous with his time and affection with me and also made my life difficult because my mom and I struggled economically and he could have been just a little bit more generous.
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So my relationship with my father was pretty distant, and then as he got older, a big unlock for me, Patrick, was I said, okay, instead of having a scorecard and thinking, okay, he was this good or not good a father, that's how good or not good a son I'm going to be, I thought, I really enjoy time with my father.
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I want to think of my – what kind of son do I want to be?
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I want to be a loving, generous son, so that's who I'm going to be, and I'm not going to put away the scorecard.
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And when I did that about 20, 30 years ago, it was a huge unlock for our relationship.
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And the learning and the advice I would give anyone is instead of keeping score on your
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marriage, your friends, ask yourself, what kind of husband do you want to be?
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What kind of member of the congregation of your church do you want to be?
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What kind of business partner do you want to be?
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And just be that man and put away the scorecard because you'll naturally inflate your
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contribution to the relationship and accidentally diminish theirs. And if you have a scorecard,
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you're always going to be upset or angry or feel like you're not getting the better end of the
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deal. So what the unlock I got from my father was just be the person in that relationship you
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envision and put away the scorecard. And that was a huge unlock for me and made my relationship
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with my father much more productive. What was your relationship like with your father, Patrick?
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My dad and my parents got a divorce twice to each other.
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They married each other and divorced each other twice.
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When we went to Germany at a refugee camp, I didn't see my dad for a year and a half.
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Then we came to the States, I would see my dad once every other week.
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The guy was a cashier at a 99-cent store, regular guy, eighth grade,
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dropped out to support his parents in Iran, came from a very, very loving family.
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I mean, these guys have each other's back, and it was very weird for him to get a divorce.
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but uh you know a part of this scott for me is like you know how you're coming to be like you
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know i wish you did this and i wish this and i wish that how how much of him do you see in you
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now where at what point maybe you were critical and now you're like you know what he used to sell
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and and i learned how to sell i think from him you know he used to is there anything that you
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look at now the way you raise your voice that maybe you picked up from him well okay so a couple
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things. First off, it sounds like you had a strong male role model, even though maybe just
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logistically wasn't around as much. If you reverse engineer to the single point of failure when a boy
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comes off the tracks, it's to one point, and that's when he loses a male role model. When a boy loses
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a male role model through divorce, death, or abandonment, at that moment, he becomes more
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likely to be incarcerated than graduate from college. And what's interesting is that girls
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in single-parent homes have similar outcomes to girls in dual-parent homes. They're a little bit
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more promiscuous because they're looking for male attention in the wrong places, but they have the
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same rates of college attendance and the same income, same rates of self-harm. It ends up that
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while being physically stronger, boys are neurologically and emotionally much weaker than
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girls. So one thing we need to instill into our society is that the moment there's a divorce or a
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death, the community needs to weigh in and the mother needs to recognize that boys need men in
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their lives. And even just saying that five years ago triggered people, especially on the left.
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What, women can't raise boys? No. Lie to my life, my mother. But boys need men in their lives. As
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it relates to my dad, the biggest lessons I took from my dad around fathering, quite frankly,
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he tried. He checked an instinctive box around evolution, and that is he was a much better
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father to me than his father was to him. His father was alcoholic and actually abusive of him.
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my father was never abusive to me. So he checked the primary box. The thing I have taken away is
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my father was not physically affectionate with me. I have gone the exact opposite way. I kiss
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my boys. I read with them. I constantly hug them. Unfortunately, when my oldest turned 16,
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he no longer wanted to let me hug him, but now he's come back a little bit. I try to be just
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physically affectionate I tell my boys every day and if I can't get a hold of them on the phone I
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text them that I love them and I'm proud of them and I try and give them a reason why because I
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didn't hear that and I realized how important it is but on the flip side I like you I make my living
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storytelling and and I make an exceptional living telling stories finding data creating a narrative
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arc and then getting on podcasts or writing books or getting in front of a corporate audience I
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do a lot of speaking gigs. And I got that from my father. It's through no fault of my own. I
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practice a lot because when you teach, you get a chance to, it's like being a comedian doing
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standup. You, you get to practice your stuff. I get to practice my stuff, or at least I used to
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twice a week in front of 160 kids paying a lot of money vis-a-vis tuition. So I had incredible
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practice, but I think 51% of it, I inherited from my father. My father could hold a room like no
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one's business really oh yeah he's fantastic really he was a great storyteller yeah and he
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had this scottish accent he was handsome so that's why he probably was the reason why he was married
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four times and divorced four times but there's no reason why you can't be grateful even if you're
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even if your parents didn't didn't intentionally give something to you you know i'm tall i have
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broad shoulders and i i'm a decent storyteller and all of those things i got from my father so
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There's no reason I can't be grateful for those things.
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So I see a picture of you, 1992, flashback, Berkeley graduation,
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You got your smile with the whole, I wish you could see this.
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And they say, so, but David, who's going to come and visit you?
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So I'm upstairs in the barracks, and then a guy named Wiggins, he says, your dad is here.
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They didn't ask him how many miles he was going to put on.
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He returned the car $2,499 a day with 5,000 additional miles.
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It was priceless to see the guy there with me at the military.
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When we set out to create a shoe that blends comfort, function, and luxury,
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we chose true italian craftsmanship each pair touched by 50 skilled hands we chose patience
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spending two years perfecting every detail and we chose the finest quality at every step
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introducing the future looks bright collection not rushed not disposable not ordinary rather
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