Mycal Latravious Dédé ｜ Bankas Podcast - #099
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 15 minutes
Hate Speech Sentences
186
Summary
In this episode, the brother and sister duo of the sit down with their good friend and former college cheerleader, Kaitlyn, to talk about her college days, how she got into cheerleading, and what it's like to be a cheerleader in college.
Transcript
00:00:15.040
I'm a two-time Division I national champion in college.
00:00:28.840
Okay, so you're the guy who would look at the pussy, holding her up.
00:00:38.060
That's like everybody thinks those guys are gay, but they're actually just perverts.
00:00:47.560
Now that I think about it, I don't think I cheered with a single guy who wasn't also a sex pest a little bit.
00:01:04.260
It's crazy that you asked me if I played sports, but you were a cheerleader.
00:01:19.900
That's like being like, yeah, I love sports, background dancer for P. Diddy.
00:01:28.440
I'll never get mad at people when they're like, oh, cheerleading's not a sport.
00:01:47.880
So you just randomly started doing it in college?
00:01:52.180
And then when I went to college, I was like bored as shit.
00:01:55.900
I went to a small shit college called Stephen F. Austin.
00:02:04.540
Your parents really didn't want you to be very masculine.
00:02:09.820
Dude, I always joke about this, but I feel like.
00:02:12.920
He's like, yeah, I'm a two-time division two champion.
00:02:33.540
So you were there for all the big games, and you were like, give me an A.
00:02:38.280
And then you do like a lot of stunts and flips and a lot of drinking.
00:02:54.500
And I'm just like, oh, yeah, that's not my thing, but, you know, respect.
00:02:59.840
You're just at the party like, yo, you want to run like a thing where I could look at a
00:03:08.080
I played like hockey and it was competitive, but it wasn't like high, super high level.
00:03:31.340
I feel like when people see me play basketball, they lose whatever little respect they had
00:03:40.920
I thought you were going to say for black people.
00:04:00.060
Like, yeah, he threw up a brick and then got in a Prius.
00:04:06.940
There's a pom-pom hanging out of the back of his Prius.
00:04:16.040
It's almost more like I played hockey, but I had more like injuries just like basketball
00:04:20.740
and getting elbows in the face or like ankle twists.
00:04:28.740
People think it's like less physical or like less of a contact sport, but it's.
00:04:35.340
If you're not tall enough, you're just getting elbowed in the face every time.
00:04:41.180
Whereas hockey, like you at least have equipment.
00:04:45.280
So if you get knocked down, like the worst is like, obviously, if you get like, if you
00:04:50.120
just have your head down and some guy just completely takes you out.
00:05:01.380
But those shoes in basketball are made to not slip.
00:05:04.520
So you're you get you're just flying off your feet.
00:05:12.320
There was a big trend to have really light shoes when I was growing up.
00:05:15.880
And then everyone realized that fucked up your feet.
00:05:19.740
So basically all the dad shoes that people wear.
00:05:24.640
Were the female cheerleaders like they're not allowed to have sex with the people on
00:05:32.580
There's so many cheerleader couples now that they're just together all the time.
00:05:50.440
So I did comedy from 23 and then I kind of soft quit when I was 27.
00:05:54.360
Then fully didn't do it at all from 28 to basically I was 32 and then started back up
00:06:08.440
So when I moved here, well, I started doing stand up the year before ish because I was
00:06:13.460
still in law school and then started doing it like for real, for real when I moved back
00:06:27.400
We're going to talk about or like pull up nothing too political.
00:06:32.000
I think it's going to come out a week after two weeks after the Elon thing.
00:06:37.760
But it's right now we're like in the midst of it.
00:06:44.980
It is kind of funny that Trump was like, look, that guy's a crackhead.
00:06:52.760
This is Drake versus Kendrick, except for they're both Drake.
00:07:11.640
I don't know about how you feel about like humanoid delivery robots.
00:07:29.080
Have you read that article where it's like, if certain smells bother you, that could mean
00:07:36.060
She was really big on Twitter for a little bit.
00:07:39.820
No, she got her PhD in smells, basically how like we judge people on how they smell.
00:08:02.720
Versus like a fucking, you know, I went to Stanford and I'm Indian, but my parents came
00:08:29.780
But it was, I already talked about it on the last podcast, but it is crazy that he basically
00:08:36.800
had an Uber that smelled bad and he stopped at a gas station on the way here.
00:08:43.180
Well, he was just like, and then he was like, it's not working.
00:08:47.340
And then he like went to another, and I was like, bro, like we're kind of, we've been
00:08:52.180
He was getting, he was getting phone calls from Uber on the screen, like being like,
00:09:00.160
They're trying to like figure out if you've been kidnapped or whatever the fuck.
00:09:16.720
He took an Uber to fucking LAX and it just started going in circles in a parking lot.
00:09:47.240
This call may be recorded for quality assurance.
00:09:54.580
I'm just calling because I received a notification that your car might be experiencing some routing
00:10:31.820
We're working with this, but if you have a chance, do you have an access to your Waymo app
00:10:36.940
It's crazy because it's like, I rather that than a Nigerian.
00:10:42.660
I rather go in circles in a parking lot and not even get on the flight than have a guy
00:10:54.200
If you fucking go to a gas station, we're not running errands.
00:10:59.860
And he smelled bad, and he had the windows locked.
00:11:07.420
I have had one where a lady wouldn't turn down the AC.
00:11:47.740
Elon going crazy like that today made me be afraid of everything that he does.
00:11:54.220
I just feel like the government should be in charge of all of this just because I'm okay
00:12:00.080
with the government stalking me, like any government, because I feel like there's so many, like,
00:12:05.440
think about how inefficient everything in the government is, that I feel like if they
00:12:09.840
wanted the robots to take over, it would take them a while so we could, like, leave.
00:12:13.060
But if it was, like, an Elon or just one asshole who's, like, in the fucking K-hole, he's like,
00:12:19.420
He just has to, like, push the button on his bed, and now the robots are, like, sodomizing
00:12:25.280
No, I know what you mean, but it's also who's going to, is the government going to be
00:12:34.360
Would you want a robot around your family, around your kids?
00:12:43.940
He's way into Emma Watson, and I feel like that's a red flag.
00:13:01.100
Like, you take your kids to high school, and they see you got a...
00:13:08.640
Because they're always fucking the kids, the hot English teacher.
00:13:17.920
There's just going to be a lot of robot racism, is what I mean.
00:13:20.420
Like, it's going to be, like, the first people to lose their jobs are not going to be white.
00:13:30.740
But I would keep it OG, because, like, even now, I don't...
00:13:38.280
And so when I know, I'm still going to keep, like, the same...
00:13:45.660
You're just like, nah, I'm on some other app where they still got humans doing it.
00:13:49.420
That would be sick if there was another app where humans could...
00:14:00.920
No one will admit that, but, like, Uber could make a lot of money if they let you pick the
00:14:09.160
But then you'd be, like, oh, white, 35 minutes.
00:14:23.400
America's much less racist than Canada, where I'm originally from, I think.
00:14:27.380
Do you think it's because, like, we live amongst each other?
00:14:36.580
Even the Nigerian guy, like, you could tell he wanted to be American.
00:14:42.520
But if he was in Canada, I feel like, I don't know.
00:14:44.960
Like, it was almost kind of more American to be like, can I stop at a gas station?
00:14:56.680
Like, people think, like, my comedy, it's like, oh, conservatives are going to laugh at
00:14:59.460
It's like, a liberal might laugh harder because they know I'm not serious.
00:15:03.340
Whereas, like, a conservative would just be like, I agree with this point.
00:15:12.900
There's too many weird conservative, like, laws now with, like...
00:15:25.580
The Republicans have kind of become what the Democrats were in, like, 2013.
00:15:32.020
They're making very restrictive laws for no reason.
00:15:37.060
It's like, every state has, like, its own weird thing where it's like, yeah, we can't
00:15:42.680
Trans people cannot sing the Pledge of Allegiance.
00:16:05.020
Let everybody out of jail who's in jail for, like, weird weed shit.
00:16:09.080
And then, from there, robots, legal weed, then the conservative stuff, kick out all
00:16:17.720
the, like, gang member illegals, not, like, just people here, but, like, MS, like, that
00:16:28.480
And besides that, just keep running into the ground.
00:16:39.900
I hate it so much because the only way we're going to get out of that is just by taxing
00:16:43.400
them at 90%, which we should do, but who cares?
00:16:59.360
Well, a hundred trillion does sound bad, but...
00:17:04.360
I think it's, like, 27 trillion or something like that.
00:17:08.840
It's kind of like, you ever go out drinking, and then you see your bill from the next night,
00:17:23.720
Like, when I see 36, I go, oh, out of a hundred?
00:17:33.860
We, like, owe more money than there are, like, stars in the galaxy.
00:17:48.400
But the reason why all that shit's bad is because it's just, like, gross to hear these numbers.
00:17:52.720
Like, for most people, it'll just be like, yeah, 20 million and then 100 billion.
00:17:59.160
We owe more money than there are stars in the galaxy.
00:18:05.240
I think people wouldn't mind paying taxes if they saw...
00:18:09.480
Like, I would pay more in taxes if I didn't have to see a homeless person ever.
00:18:14.920
Like, that's how much it means to me to not see them.
00:18:18.440
Or if, like, I knew teachers didn't have to, like, buy their supplies.
00:18:25.100
I asked a Chinese person about this and they were like, well, in China...
00:18:27.720
Because in China, they don't really have homeless people.
00:18:31.220
I don't know why I said people kind of Chinese.
00:18:36.820
They just fucking find them and they're like...
00:18:38.800
Which is basically what you want your tax dollars to do.
00:18:41.180
Because, like, at the end of the day, people are crazy.
00:18:46.820
Because I used to be a big, like, prison abolitionist guy.
00:18:49.240
But then after working in law for a little bit, I do...
00:18:52.520
After working around and learning from a lot of whites...
00:19:03.000
Look, we have rules on how society is structured.
00:19:25.860
Muslim guy, like, threw a, like, Molotov cocktail at, like, an old Jewish lady.
00:19:34.860
It is kind of crazy how, like, wildly anti-Semitic things are getting right now.
00:19:38.960
And I'm on the left, and I feel like if I say that, people are like...
00:19:47.320
Free pal is not kill all the Jews, but what's going on here?
00:19:50.900
Well, I mean, the people on the left who, with the Jew stuff, they just have...
00:19:57.700
They've been in denial about a lot of stuff, and then people on the right are, like, just,
00:20:02.180
like, coming out with, like, a lot of, like, heat, where they're like, Epstein, Weinstein,
00:20:07.340
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, and the Jews are like, oh, shit.
00:20:10.640
I mean, even the Jews are kind of like, what the fuck?
00:20:15.160
Like, they want to get rid of Israel, blah, blah, I don't know.
00:20:30.480
The whole country would fit into, like, four Bass Pros.
00:20:37.480
We could give all the Jews North Dakota and all the Palestinians South Dakota.
00:20:57.840
Because, one, like, if I was in Palestine, and, like, you killed my dad with, like, a fricking
00:21:02.100
curvy sword, like some Jewish blade, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to join Hamas.
00:21:15.080
They had an EDM concert next to, like, a concentration camp when the October 7th started.
00:21:30.780
But then, now that they blew it up, they're like, look how beautiful it was.
00:21:35.080
You can't say it's a concentration camp and then be like, we used to have airports, you
00:21:43.060
But then I've seen videos recently where it's, like, there's still parts that, like, aren't
00:22:00.500
I was like, they were like, they killed 2,300 people in 10 minutes.
00:22:10.800
Because they fucking dug all those fucking tunnels.
00:22:16.740
And, like, they didn't build any shelters for any of the...
00:22:19.380
Purposely, they don't want the civilians to have shelter because then they can't blow up...
00:22:33.580
You should watch this documentary called No Other Land.
00:22:38.500
It's about, like, how these Jewish people just go into the West Bank and they just start fucking up people's homes and shit.
00:22:45.040
But I didn't realize that people just live out in the...
00:22:51.120
They're like the Amish, but they're, like, more chill.
00:23:02.980
It's just, like, a realtor doing, like, million-dollar listings.
00:23:06.320
And I was just saying that's basically what the guys going to the West Bank and stealing land are doing.
00:23:10.740
They're just like, well, I have a joke about that where I'm like, you know, Jews are natural real estate agents.
00:23:17.000
So if you give them an AK-47, they're like, is it for sale?
00:23:23.440
They bulldozed a school and a playground in that documentary.
00:23:30.340
And there's no way to see that and not be like, dude, fuck you.
00:23:37.820
If you see someone, like, destroying a playground that your kid is playing on, it's like, what is your problem?
00:23:42.500
Yeah, but, I mean, you know, those kids are good terrorists.
00:23:52.580
But sometimes you got to make room for some more Jews.
00:24:11.340
Like, I understand why Jews originally wanted to go there.
00:24:13.520
But, like, the obsession of, like, again, if you're super religious and it's, like, the big, you know, it's, like, people go to Mecca or fucking other super, you know, Vatican or, but it's, like, who cares?
00:24:27.220
When they came up with the idea for Zionism, one of the original locations was going to be, I believe.
00:24:36.400
That's the funny thing about that story is that, like, a group of Jews, like, every 10 years, like, went on some weird, like, real estate adventure where they're, like.
00:24:52.960
We would have actually had, like, legit black Israelites if they went to Africa.
00:24:57.320
But also, they would have probably had, I mean, not as much security, but I'm sure, like, a good amount of walled off.
00:25:06.980
I live in Houston, and I feel like black people and Jewish people get along very fine.
00:25:16.060
But the problem is that the fucking, they were, that's where they wanted, you know, the OG spot.
00:25:21.480
I don't, see, there's another thing that you can't say if you're on the left, which is, like, everyone's, like, well, why don't the Jews go back?
00:25:27.080
I'm, like, dude, I think you should really read history.
00:25:31.640
I think you should read history from the 1700s to the 1700s.
00:25:34.260
Because there's too many fucking Muslims there.
00:25:40.680
That's not why they aren't, but, like, well, there's way, like, I mean, yeah, there's a lot of, like, it's, Europe's going to be 50% Muslim in, like, 2050 or something.
00:26:05.300
Muslim is, like, your fucking sister wore a burqa.
00:26:16.020
You're just like, you're like black Muslim where you're just like, yeah, I read the fucking Malcolm X or whatever.
00:26:28.700
He was in the Nation of Islam, which is a cult.
00:26:37.780
Yeah, you're talking about religious fundamentalism, which is, like, always a problem.
00:26:56.360
But, I mean, they don't want to live in Europe because they're...
00:27:00.240
Like, in the 1700s and 1800s, they did try to get rid of the Jews multiple times through crazy methods.
00:27:13.700
No, it says it's 4% of the population, 6% of the population in Germany.
00:27:18.560
In France, they've got a lot of Muslim people in France.
00:27:40.700
Yeah, you got to do a little shower before you...
00:27:50.860
So you go to, like, a mosque and just shower the bunch of immigrants?
00:27:57.900
You, like, wash your feet, wash your hands, wash your mouth, wash your face upon your ears.
00:28:01.700
And then everybody's just looking at you like this...
00:28:10.880
You do the ending prayer and the starting prayer, you do it in Arabic.
00:28:30.600
No, you start off, you know, you always say, you know, look, I attest that there's no God
00:28:37.500
And then you, you know, thank God for all the other stuff.
00:28:49.480
I knew it was bullshit from when I was like five.
00:28:54.840
I would go to a black-ass church and they had like a white Jesus there.
00:29:09.060
And then I went to another church, they did have a black Jesus.
00:29:12.260
I went to one church, they had white Jesus, but they had black Santa Claus.
00:29:15.640
Then went to another church, they had black Jesus and a white Santa Claus.
00:29:18.660
I was like, do you see my wires are crossed right?
00:29:21.800
At least you're allowed to draw the guy, right?
00:29:44.620
I think that all religions are equally not necessarily...
00:29:50.300
Like, they all kind of miss the mark on everything.
00:29:52.480
I do think that we can say that some religions are more goofy than others.
00:30:02.400
More Muslims are religious fundamentalists than any other religion.
00:30:07.120
Yeah, I don't know if that's necessarily true or not.
00:30:18.420
Well, a lot of these places, they either are in conservative places, or America has helped
00:30:35.940
You're like Sims, and then you just, like, randomize, like, four times, and then it's
00:30:48.900
I've never heard you talk about the cheerleading on stage.
00:30:51.200
Yeah, I used to, but then Chappelle Lacey does all of my jokes so much better than me.
00:30:58.700
He just had a better take on being a cheerleader, and I just...
00:31:03.220
And I feel like I couldn't think of anything funnier than what he said, and so I just kind
00:31:16.100
I mean, I had a sex with a few teammates, but, you know, just chill.
00:31:32.980
Every time there's a Muslim terrorist attack, they think it's Jews.
00:31:35.440
Like, the Jews did it so that people hate the Muslims.
00:31:40.760
Like, he's never like, I'm going to blow myself up so then I can go to heaven and get
00:31:56.540
I thought of a really funny sketch, and it would be...
00:32:00.480
You ever seen one of those Get Ready With Me videos?
00:32:04.880
I thought it'd be funny to do, like, a Get Ready With Me as I go to the comedy mothership
00:32:10.120
to globalize the intifada by converting Joe Rogan to Islam.
00:32:15.280
Well, folks, thank you for tuning into the show.
00:32:21.060
I thought that would be so funny, because he's obviously not going to do it, but just
00:32:24.020
the idea of me filling a backpack with a bunch of Muslim materials and then just, like,
00:32:38.560
It's one of those things, like, who is that even offensive to?
00:32:41.880
It's offensive to Muslim people more than anything.
00:32:51.220
It's like, my next thought is, this guy's a terrorist.
00:33:13.680
I think that it's okay to want to preserve certain cultural norms.
00:33:31.260
But then, both of them come to other countries and they're like, hey, it's time to change.
00:33:40.200
But, like, you know, when I see a mosque, I'm not exactly excited.
00:33:56.420
Well, now that I know that, I'll never do that.
00:34:02.220
But, like, there is this, like, part of me that goes, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
00:34:19.980
But, like, my mom wasn't religious, but she was, like, Christian.
00:34:25.260
And Christmas just, you know, there's no burkas.
00:34:49.540
See, maybe it's a Canadian thing where we just, like, we're like, ugh, look at this.
00:34:56.800
I have a theory that owning a home turns you into a conservative.
00:35:02.960
Like, that's why millennials are the most liberal, because we don't own homes.
00:35:12.260
They own a home now, and they're like, my neighbor's not cutting his grass.
00:35:27.840
No, but I mean, I rent, but if I'm walking around, you know, recently there's been a
00:35:34.480
There was Muslims with kefias on, and they said hi to my wife.
00:35:40.680
They'll literally invite you over and make you dinner.
00:35:50.520
And then during the dinner, I go, so what do you think of the Israel Palmas night?
00:35:57.940
They're just like, uh, Hamidi, you're very nice.
00:36:11.220
Even if you do, even if you secretly, you're like, yeah, blow them all up.
00:36:16.580
I do wonder, like, if, um, how I would feel if, like, after...
00:36:21.420
Because Israel was made after the Holocaust, right?
00:36:23.940
So I do feel like after, like, if the American government killed Martin Luther King, I don't
00:36:29.240
know, JFK got on the news and was like, hey, sorry about that.
00:36:37.360
California, and we'll give you a bunch of money to make California awesome, and we'll
00:36:41.000
have endless defense contracts with California, and you can turn into, like, a nigga utopia,
00:36:48.540
If it was just all of us just in, no interference, we got to do whatever we wanted, you know?
00:36:56.060
No, like season four of Atlanta, like that kind of shit.
00:37:04.720
I don't know what I would do to preserve something like that.
00:37:10.560
If the American government was fully behind the back of preserving and creating a special
00:37:15.900
place for black people to thrive and succeed, that was specifically our own, and we were
00:37:21.380
given, like, endless resources to make it that way.
00:37:24.300
I don't know how kind I would be to someone wanting to call for the dissolution of that.
00:37:31.660
Just because I'm thinking about, like, my own history or, like, my own family's history
00:37:35.540
or what they've been through, yeah, I don't know.
00:37:39.580
I'd be a totally different person if I went to elementary schools where I was not, like,
00:37:50.860
I went to schools where I was the only black person.
00:37:54.040
I went to schools where everyone was black, and there's just a noticeable difference in,
00:37:58.200
like, how I was treated, how I was expected to perform, the level of books I was given,
00:38:10.000
No, just, like, I was told you can do whatever you want.
00:38:13.940
Like, I remember a white teacher in high school told me...
00:38:16.660
I did her a book report on, like, The Road by Cormac McCarthy, and she was like,
00:38:21.900
I was like, why wouldn't I have read fucking Cormac McCarthy?
00:38:48.540
That must have been a really good school, though.
00:38:52.540
Just an old white lady be like, you didn't read this, motherfucker.
00:38:56.520
This motherfucker talking about he read some fucking Cormac...
00:39:05.360
That motherfucker talking about he read some Cormac McCarthy.
00:39:37.120
I think you guys just lost control of your women,
00:39:41.760
and it's really, really, really taking a hit on your community.
00:39:45.320
All those videos of white women twerking on top of cars
00:39:48.620
and beating the shit out of people at Walmarts.
00:39:55.080
Yeah, but, like, we, you know, we're still in good...
00:39:58.480
But we just don't like, like, white people just look at other white people
00:40:06.000
We don't, but then we don't, but we don't, like, have a connection to them.
00:40:12.440
Whereas I feel like other races kind of, like, Filipinos see other Filipinos
00:40:19.200
We just have to look at each other and be like, we're both evil pieces of shit,
00:40:27.600
You wouldn't have to feel that way if you guys would just give us reparations.
00:40:31.120
Because that's the biggest thing I have for reparations is that...
00:40:35.160
I don't think we feel guilty, but I'm just saying that we don't...
00:40:37.700
I think you could get rid of that feeling if you gave people reparations.
00:40:40.620
You'd be like, look, we gave you all your money.
00:40:44.220
No, I think we'd get that feeling if we did slavery again.
00:40:53.520
I've always said that white people would never deport us because they love us too much.
00:41:01.900
I think it's the other, you know, the mystery race.
00:41:07.480
That's what I think immigrants don't understand is that the racial conversation
00:41:11.380
is a conversation between black and white people.
00:41:16.300
The one that black people are having is between black people and white people.
00:41:20.300
The one white people are having is, who the fuck are these people?
00:41:38.260
It'd be so funny if you weren't a racist, but you're just a pure phrenologist.
00:41:51.100
I'm not racist in the sense of like, you know, as long as I smell okay.
00:41:59.600
It's a black guy walking over a Michael Jordan cologne.
00:42:08.140
I think being racist is just what, like, default.
00:42:24.260
And sometimes it's more of just like a time kill.
00:42:40.000
They're on a plane and they're like, look at this white mother...
00:42:51.620
It's just so easy just to be like you're annoying because of that.
00:42:57.800
That's what I kind of meant with the white thing where I'm like...
00:43:01.080
Like, when I hate a white guy, it's just like, oh, yo, they're having beef.
00:43:10.620
And I like people, too, because people who aren't retarded are fun.
00:43:26.760
We had a podcast guest with another guy named Trey Tutson, other black dude.
00:43:42.280
It's like the movie Rush Hour, where there is no plot to that movie other than, what if
00:43:49.860
And it's funny because we all kind of know, like, oh, they're friends at the end of this.
00:43:53.900
There's this long friendship that happens at it.
00:43:55.860
You can't make that movie now because it's like nonstop stereotypes for two and a half hours.
00:44:00.240
And how racist me and Zod get with one another is funny because we all know, like, dude,
00:44:16.080
See, that's the thing is, like, I would say that to, like, a friend.
00:44:19.340
But then, like, when push came to shove, I'd be like...
00:44:27.420
But yeah, obviously, the more you're willing to take a bullet for somebody, the more you
00:44:30.340
feel like you can make fun of them because you know they're not going to be pissed off.
00:44:33.400
But that's, like, another thing where it's like racism...
00:44:36.420
Getting rid of racist jokes makes racism so serious that then it becomes, like, an actual
00:44:42.720
Whereas I think it's, like, fun to joke about it because then it's, like, after, like,
00:44:46.120
the cathartic effect is, like, wow, I really don't even give a fuck at all.
00:44:51.260
And then you kind of just go on with our lives.
00:44:54.320
I mean, which is what America is doing to an extent.
00:44:58.480
I mean, besides the Elon Trump thing, like, people have been checked out a little bit from
00:45:07.200
People on the left, that's why we're losing because no one gives a fuck anymore.
00:45:12.080
Like, Trump is able to do a lot of shit that wouldn't have flown in 2012 or even 2015 or
00:45:18.060
But I think people on the left are so burnt out because you all asked us to pretend
00:45:22.320
Hillary Clinton was cool, which is a really hard ask.
00:45:27.060
I'm as liberal as they come, but you're fucking asking me to pretend this fucking white lady
00:45:33.820
Then you give me the oldest white guy ever who's, like, on film hanging out with a segregationist.
00:45:39.480
You're like, yeah, you got to vote for him instead of Bernie.
00:45:41.780
I'm like, dude, you guys are fucking killing me now.
00:45:48.200
Then they give us another black lady who's the worst.
00:45:57.140
She was on Perks the whole fucking election, which is cool.
00:46:04.860
I'm like, dude, she has no policies or anything like that.
00:46:09.600
If she had actually been nominated properly through a primary, then people would have...
00:46:16.380
But the fact that, like, when they did that, she got voted out first.
00:46:45.320
I'm telling you, the first female president is going to be an old, mean Jewish lady.
00:47:05.160
You ever see pictures of her when she was young?
00:47:50.020
It's kind of funny to watch this guy, like, pretend like this is such a big deal.
00:47:55.820
There's a whole genre of men who are just mad at women online.
00:48:09.120
This video, disrespecting gym equipment, dropping the weights, as if that's something to brag
00:48:18.540
The only time it's okay to do this, to drop the weights, is if you're at risk for injury.
00:48:26.600
She is blatantly disrespecting the gym equipment.
00:48:33.400
He probably cares more about gym equipment than black people, right?
00:48:39.020
There's no way she would have, like, just casually put down tins and be like, what a
00:48:48.960
Well, go back to, like, her ass was there for a second.
00:48:57.140
If you're a white girl and you have no ass and you start working out too much, you just
00:49:05.320
Like, that's why you see black girls and they try to get the white girl hair in the
00:49:21.780
I like white girl hair too, but on white girls.
00:49:31.120
Dude, I think that was one of my first crushes.
00:49:41.280
Well, it's like a wig, but it's like trying not to be a wig.
00:49:43.940
They like put like chicken wire down first and then there's the...
00:49:52.800
Once you realize that whoever was going to fuck you was going to fuck you no matter what.
00:50:09.220
Do you see that one thing where there's a little Orthodox Jewish girl and then she walks
00:50:13.860
up to this black guy and he's like, man, I'm sorry they did that to you because
00:50:25.780
Do you have to unplug your Mac because it starts electrocuting you?
00:50:51.500
She loses her ball, walks up to this black guy and he goes, hey, man, I'm sorry they
00:50:57.160
They shouldn't have did that shit to you at all.
00:51:17.160
Taylor, I'm going to send it to you on Instagram.
00:51:21.240
I think I do because my friend Eddie sends me a thousand reels a day.
00:52:16.840
A young Hasidic Jewish boy look like that too, bro.
00:52:32.340
Because they're like, well, we have white people watching tonight.
00:52:40.060
It is a thing that happens sometimes, is that, like, racist shit happens.
00:52:43.260
It's racist, but only I know it's racist, but I work in an environment where it's only white people.
00:52:48.180
And so if I say anything, I sound crazy because I don't have nobody to back me up on it.
00:52:56.660
I do these things, and I represent doctors a lot in the practice that I work in.
00:53:02.460
And nurses will write down, like, what the patient said to them.
00:53:08.440
And I feel like a lot of these nurses, when it's a white patient, they'll write perfect English.
00:53:12.820
But when it's a black patient, they'll be like, and she's bees wondering who's chickened.
00:53:23.760
I feel like any time I'd be a white nurse, she always started writing in AAV.
00:53:32.120
And there's no, like, what are they going to do?
00:53:33.540
You want me to go find them and say, hey, stop being racist when you transcribe your shit?
00:54:02.760
I thought you said, but the pro bono, you don't know any of the race.
00:55:16.880
Timothy Chalamet is the most ghetto name, I think.
00:55:24.280
Yeah, it's Timothy, one word, and then Chalamet is his last name.
00:56:11.580
Just ask what top 10 black baby names for 2021.
00:56:19.840
Say black baby names, because then otherwise they don't think you're being racist.
00:56:44.660
The girl names are a little tough, because, like, Aaliyah, perfect, right?
00:56:52.940
I've never met a girl named Kiara that wasn't the most beautiful woman ever.
00:56:57.940
But there are some red flags in there, you know?
00:57:05.920
I don't even think, I've never met an actual Shaniqua in my town.
00:57:12.920
It's like, I need to make fun of a black woman.
00:57:15.900
I had a Shaniqua in my, uh, she was a track star in my grade school.
00:57:27.980
When you're younger in your 20s, like, who the fuck wants to get married and settle down?
00:57:34.940
I want to be getting my head bashed in the mattress.
00:57:39.280
And then I want to be getting ghosted the next day.
00:57:41.200
I want to have my heart ripped out of my chest.
00:57:45.940
And then when you get a little older, you're kind of like, I literally don't have time.
00:57:51.000
This is what I mean by, like, y'all have lost control of your women.
00:57:55.280
Like, I date white girls now because I didn't have to do that when I was in Houston.
00:58:00.220
And I don't know how y'all deal with that shit.
00:58:03.920
I don't know how y'all date white women like this.
00:58:06.600
Like, I've dated three white girls since I've been in Austin.
00:58:10.380
And they're, like, I think they're clinically insane.
00:58:25.660
But they're getting therapy from white women therapists.
00:58:29.260
And I don't think white girls should have white girl therapists.
00:58:33.560
You can't get healthy in the same thing that made you sick.
00:58:36.200
And they're all fucked up because their moms are fucked up.
00:58:38.980
So they get, it's a feedback loop of craziness.
00:58:53.120
But I think I just need to find higher quality whites.
00:59:22.680
I'm just saying, like, if you was in L.A., I'm 25.
00:59:31.700
You probably wouldn't even know it was his party.
00:59:37.220
And then it'd be like, oh, shit, it's Diddy's party.
00:59:38.560
I will tell you, I opened for a comic, like, a year or two ago.
00:59:43.160
And this is before any allegations with Diddy came out.
00:59:48.080
He said, hey, man, look, I just want you to know.
00:59:52.340
He goes, hey, man, I want you to know, bro, I can see you going real far in this business,
00:59:57.640
I just want you to know that, like, when you move to L.A., don't go hang out with Diddy.
01:00:04.440
He's going to invite you to the house, and you're going to see some shit you wish you'd never seen.
01:00:12.360
It's like, that's the craziest shit that ever happened.
01:00:15.460
And then literally, like, two, three months later, I told my girl about it, because I
01:00:19.160
I was like, he told me, don't hang out with P. Diddy.
01:00:22.100
Two months later, that's when I was like, Diddy was beating Cassie with a flip-flop in
01:00:27.940
That's like nothing compared to what he's actually doing.
01:00:35.700
I thought he just opened his Christmas presents.
01:00:44.260
No, because they broke up, and then she started dating Kid Cudi, and he was like, I'm about
01:00:50.260
And he went over there and, like, scared his dog and shit.
01:01:04.260
He was like, yeah, Diddy was smoking a cigarette outside.
01:01:13.520
Like, can you please say yes or no when I ask you a question?
01:01:19.820
The whole jury's nodding to it, like, fuck you.
01:01:30.020
Yeah, but Diddy stuff, like, people are just acting like this is all so surprising.
01:01:37.440
I have a bit about this where it's like, you know, is it bad that I watched the Chris Rock,
01:01:43.540
Chris, Chris Rock, the Chris Brown documentary, and I, you know, the abuse documentary, and I
01:01:59.120
Well, you know, the story will be like, oh, you know, some girl, some woman will be like,
01:02:03.720
I was invited to a party with Chris Brown, and they told us to not bring our cell phones
01:02:08.620
in and put them in this bag, and I didn't, and I took it in, and I took a picture of him,
01:02:12.280
and he saw me do it, and then he punched me in the face.
01:02:17.040
You're like, I wouldn't have handled it that way.
01:02:23.580
But, well, no, but I mean, but that's like a woman thing where it's like the no fear.
01:02:33.440
Party where, you know, with a high up person, they were like, yo, no phones, put them in the
01:02:36.960
thing, and you didn't, and then you, you know, you'd be expected to get punched in the face.
01:02:45.280
Like, I don't fully agree with it, but it is, there is something there.
01:02:48.020
Like, but then also that, like, you know, there's another woman who's like, oh, I was,
01:02:56.220
And, and all I was trying to do was go to L.A. to become a dancer.
01:03:00.520
I'm like, well, what'd you think was going to happen?
01:03:05.500
You know, I mean, but seriously, like, I'm going to L.A. to become a background dancer
01:03:36.280
Women are just obsessed with this, uh, with being raped.
01:03:46.520
Like, all they talk about is, like, the worst things of all time.
01:04:01.320
Dude, have you seen the most iconic tweet of all time?
01:04:08.760
It's, uh, this guy who says, it's a white woman humor.
01:04:41.780
I do feel like this is a lot of stand-up comedy.
01:04:46.400
This guy took, white woman humor would be like,
01:04:48.500
this guy took a shit and didn't wipe his ass after,
01:04:56.380
Is that not most of what their sets are sometimes?
01:04:59.760
They're like, I fucked a guy, and he didn't have a bed,
01:05:02.440
and then I had to take plan B, and now I'm yeasty,
01:05:13.580
But it's like that video that we just watched of the girl being like,
01:05:17.100
that I fucking wanted to be robbed when she's got that big dick sucker mouth.
01:05:22.920
It's just like, it's like, shut that fucking trap, bitch.
01:05:37.760
I love when the song is like, we don't let our women talk like that.
01:05:52.280
I mean, during COVID, I fully lost my mind, but also like I was trapped inside.
01:05:56.060
But I was also like, yo, I wasn't cool with like a lot of the shit was going on.
01:06:00.840
And then I feel like, you know, with Trump, like I felt like I didn't want the Democrats to come in.
01:06:09.880
It's like, oh, you switch sides, this, that, or like, not me, but in general, a lot of people do.
01:06:14.880
And it's like, well, yeah, because sometimes this, at this moment in time, it's better to be a Republican or vote that way.
01:06:22.500
Not be one, but you can vote for somebody and not be it.
01:06:30.040
I didn't think Kamala was, I thought she was going to, she was going to go too hard against the censorship and too much shit.
01:06:36.400
And then Trump winning, now the Democrats have realized, okay, we can't win on that.
01:06:42.880
Like, we can't just be, so like maybe, and then they'll come back and they'll be like, okay, legalize weed and say whatever you want.
01:06:52.180
I mean, you can be trans, but it's not going to be on your passport.
01:06:54.840
And then everybody will be like, that's the more, the better idea to vote for, right?
01:07:01.940
Because like, the only way people win is having the people in the middle who don't really care, but are kind of steering the ship.
01:07:09.620
Be like, okay, well, fuck, I'm going to vote for Trump because of this shit.
01:07:13.140
Or I'm going to vote for whoever because of it.
01:07:19.100
It's like, bro, go down the rabbit hole and find out, and it was this, and it was, it's like, it's, I almost don't want to.
01:07:29.740
Like, the Jews and the whites and the fucking rich people, all the rich people basically are controlling everything.
01:07:38.580
It's like, it's like a whole, what's the word, where it's like, it's like a lot of, it's a lot of bullshit to just figure out what we've always known since I was probably like 10 years old.
01:07:51.480
That'd be so funny, imagine him at 10 and be like, yeah, Jews did this, for sure, definitely.
01:08:02.380
No, I guess Jews, I don't know how much bad stuff, like, it's, it's just easy to, to do it because it's a funny word.
01:08:10.420
Everybody, anybody who's rich is doing bad stuff.
01:08:19.760
There's, there's billionaires in Africa that are doing fucked up shit.
01:08:27.600
And they're, they all know each other and they're all like, yo, why don't you guys do this?
01:08:31.340
So then we'll make a bit of a thing and then you do that and all the, it's all.
01:08:39.700
Probably that like, you should have legal weed, the legal.
01:08:50.060
I don't think, I think that it should be shame.
01:08:52.580
Like we could, I don't think it should be like a protected speech thing where it's like, don't make fun of that.
01:08:57.300
It's like, I think women who do it should have some form of shame unless obviously it's like a medical procedure or fucking, what if she was raped?
01:09:06.160
Oh, well, then she should definitely have the kid.
01:09:11.420
But I mean, like, yeah, I think it should be legal.
01:09:18.140
My most leftist belief is there should be a maximum salary.
01:09:21.160
Like, you should only, you should only be able to have $3 billion.
01:09:27.100
And then once you, yeah, once you get to $3 billion, if you, you get a certificate that says congrats, you won capitalism, and then we take 100% of your money and spread it out.
01:09:36.940
If you try to circumvent that, then we kill you.
01:09:58.820
Because we just said you only get that kind of money if you're doing evil shit.
01:10:01.860
I'm not saying you only get it if you do evil shit.
01:10:03.940
I'm saying once you get it, you are now just have more control.
01:10:08.760
I say evil, but what I really mean is just control.
01:10:14.860
But, like, who gives a shit if they want to freak off?
01:10:16.680
Like, if it's consensual or whatever, like, who gives a fuck?
01:10:20.380
I want to have a freak off, but just like me and the homies.
01:10:32.880
I think it's good to have billionaires be billionaires.
01:10:46.660
I think if you get too much money, we have to take it from you.
01:10:53.180
But then those people are going to hire their own armies and, you know what I mean?
01:11:01.420
Like, once you get to, like, oh, I want to fly a rocket into space.
01:11:13.480
You know, you're not wrong about it being disgusting and a lot, but also.
01:11:18.960
I'll tell you my most Republican belief next, which is that I don't think more.
01:11:30.260
No, I mean, some of that, yeah, I do think, like, white-collar crime, because I work in white-collar crime,
01:11:34.080
it's not taken as seriously as it should be, and it harms way more people.
01:11:40.560
If the people who are doing massive-scale medical fraud, Medicare fraud, Medicaid fraud,
01:11:46.300
they are hurting, I haven't seen situations where I haven't hurt thousands of people with
01:12:00.980
It's a good one to make a little bit of money, you know, if you guys want to get into it.
01:12:23.000
And, well, it was a town outside of New Orleans.
01:12:24.460
And so, if you were black, and you wanted meat, you had to go to his place.
01:12:30.000
He had 100% of all the black dollars if you wanted meat.
01:12:37.260
And they switched it up, and they could go to fucking the white store and get, like,
01:12:40.140
he couldn't, like, fucking Jew him on the price anymore.
01:12:49.900
I feel like you have a long history of people who just randomly convert to random British people.
01:13:53.640
And then that's great-great-grandpa right there.
01:14:01.780
Because they were from Haiti and shit like that.
01:14:11.520
I'm trying to get a Waysian so I can just get the white and the Asian every, bring it
01:14:22.580
I want, it would be, it would mean so much to me if like I come back to life five generations
01:14:34.220
For me, I'd rather they be white but eat Korean food.
01:14:56.020
Type in my name, M-Y-C-A-L-D-E-D-E, and should be the first thing that comes.
01:15:04.360
I've said your name and people are like, is that African?
01:15:22.580
You're at Mothership a bunch of times during the week.