Bankas Podcast - Return from El Patio with Armin Arbabi & Daniel Bordman ｜ The Bankas Show on Patreon - #045

00:00:00.360 Welcome to, um, we hate stand-up comedy podcast. 0.99

00:00:04.180 Whatever the fuck we AI generated last night at six in the morning. 0.84

00:00:08.580 Yeah, we just kept trying to AI generate to see if we should change the name of the podcast. 0.97

00:00:12.800 Ben just wrote, like, how do I make a million dollars into chat GBT?

00:00:16.520 And then they're like, call it the I hate stand-up comedy podcast.

00:00:19.860 Some of the names were pretty funny. Like, why are you laughing?

00:00:24.240 Why is that funny?

00:00:26.600 No, we just ripped Bob Cajun. 1.00

00:00:29.240 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:00:30.680 That was, um... 1.00

00:00:32.040 Two shows there was actually pretty fun.

00:00:34.320 The first night was fun because we met up with these random dudes.

00:00:38.540 Give us some more context.

00:00:40.020 Narush.

00:00:41.100 Narush.

00:00:41.720 Some random dudes. Sounds like we just had gay sex. 1.00

00:00:45.160 No, we met up with these guys. His name was Nolan, Stevie, Ricky, and... 0.99

00:00:50.300 Bobby.

00:00:51.040 Narush. 1.00

00:00:52.160 Fucker. 1.00

00:00:53.240 I kept calling him Nav. 1.00

00:00:55.440 Narush is white.

00:00:56.180 He is technically white because he's like a brown guy.

00:01:00.880 He's like a fully, uh...

00:01:02.480 He's a U.S.

00:01:03.060 He's a...

00:01:03.480 What's it called when immigrants come and they become... 0.99

00:01:05.980 Naturalized?

00:01:07.120 No.

00:01:07.800 When they become...

00:01:09.360 Whitewashed?

00:01:10.160 Integrated.

00:01:10.860 Fully integrated.

00:01:12.320 Fully integrated.

00:01:13.080 He's just Canadian, bro. 1.00

00:01:14.340 He's in the fucking military. 1.00

00:01:15.460 Dude, this motherfucker's integrated. 1.00

00:01:16.780 No, we just, like, got really fucked up with these guys and went back to their cottage. 1.00

00:01:22.400 Yeah. 0.92

00:01:23.180 And we did mushrooms all night.

00:01:24.500 We saw swastikas in the sky. 0.66

00:01:26.140 Yeah.

00:01:26.920 It was terrifying.

00:01:29.500 We fed ducks at, like, 2 a.m.

00:01:31.400 Yeah, we kept throwing ketchup chips at ducks and I kept thinking that loons were coyotes.

00:01:36.120 I like how you think of it as we fed the ducks and he was...

00:01:38.480 I was throwing ketchup chips at ducks.

00:01:40.340 Well, they were eating them.

00:01:41.120 There was, like, a guy doing it.

00:01:42.660 We were, like, watching it happen.

00:01:44.180 Yeah, and then Ben got scared of the ducks.

00:01:46.720 Yeah, I'm not a big...

00:01:48.180 I don't like wildlife at night, for sure.

00:01:51.960 Like, I'm more of, like, a wildlife during the day kind of guy.

00:01:55.160 Yeah. 0.99

00:01:55.820 I'm not trying to fuck with ducks. 0.99

00:01:56.960 Yeah, but they're ducks. 0.99

00:01:58.480 Yeah, but they were pretty big.

00:02:00.100 Bro.

00:02:00.740 They were, like, half the size of this table.

00:02:02.520 No, they weren't.

00:02:03.580 Dude, they were, like...

00:02:04.800 No.

00:02:06.380 There was, like, half a million.

00:02:07.540 There was, like, half a million.

00:02:07.560 There was, like, half a million.

00:02:07.660 There was no duck. 1.00

00:02:07.820 That's fucking... 1.00

00:02:08.260 He was even telling us they were massive. 1.00

00:02:10.360 Did you see a goose?

00:02:12.000 No, they were ducks.

00:02:13.100 They were big, bro.

00:02:13.780 They were big.

00:02:15.160 Bro, what if it's...

00:02:16.260 Ducks are, like, this big. 1.00

00:02:16.880 I'll fucking kick a duck. 1.00

00:02:18.180 What's it gonna do to me? 1.00

00:02:20.380 I'll fuck up a hundred ducks. 1.00

00:02:21.540 I got a fucking... 1.00

00:02:22.660 I got a beak. 1.00

00:02:24.380 I have a foot.

00:02:26.160 No, I wasn't, like, actually afraid of the ducks,

00:02:27.820 but I was just, like, afraid of, like,

00:02:30.000 interacting with them.

00:02:33.800 So it's, like, how you feel about black people?

00:02:36.200 Yeah.

00:02:37.880 Indians.

00:02:38.500 The airport.

00:02:39.840 No, it's how I feel about ducks.

00:02:42.340 Just, like, any bird.

00:02:43.380 I'm not, like, a big bird.

00:02:44.480 Like, birds are unpredictable.

00:02:45.740 Like, they're very, like...

00:02:46.540 I want a pigeon. 1.00

00:02:48.440 I fuck with a pigeon. 1.00

00:02:49.980 Apparently, pigeons... 1.00

00:02:50.820 Did you know that pigeons used to be pets?

00:02:52.680 Yeah.

00:02:53.420 And the only reason...

00:02:54.580 Like, the reason they're all hanging out outside all the time

00:02:56.720 is because they think that we're gonna, like,

00:02:57.940 take them back as pets.

00:02:59.360 Oh, that's sick.

00:03:00.620 That's pretty sad.

00:03:01.460 That's pretty awesome that we're just ghosting pigeons.

00:03:03.660 We ghosted them hard. 1.00

00:03:04.740 Yeah, we just literally fucked them, 0.99

00:03:06.140 and we're like, yo... 1.00

00:03:06.760 We were like, oh, dogs are better,

00:03:07.260 and then we just kicked them out of the house.

00:03:08.800 Yeah.

00:03:09.020 Pigeons are kind of sick, though.

00:03:12.440 Yeah, they survived.

00:03:13.820 They did well.

00:03:14.520 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:03:15.180 There's, like, a pube hanging out of my mic.

00:03:18.320 Thank you, Cave Boardman.

00:03:21.020 I think that was mine.

00:03:23.180 Oh, oh.

00:03:26.120 Just ripping God of War.

00:03:28.020 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:28.460 What else are you supposed to do on a fucking Sunday night? 0.99

00:03:30.880 Nothing. 1.00

00:03:31.120 I don't do shit on Sundays for this reason. 0.97

00:03:33.000 Just get high and... 0.99

00:03:35.120 Play God of War.

00:03:36.660 Try and save the Norse world.

00:03:37.920 But, yeah, the shows in Bob Cajun were terrible.

00:03:40.480 Yeah, they were good if you've, like,

00:03:43.160 never been to a comedy show before.

00:03:44.520 Half of my fans just took pictures with you

00:03:46.240 and posted them.

00:03:47.480 They were just like, yo, this guy was funny.

00:03:49.520 Oh, this guy tried.

00:03:51.860 This guy has not done better things yet. 0.99

00:03:54.820 Damn. 0.99

00:03:55.800 I know. 0.99

00:03:56.160 It really is just, like...

00:03:57.240 Well, the first night was bad because we...

00:03:58.240 It was Daniel's birthday the night we got here.

00:04:01.200 Yeah.

00:04:01.860 And we went and got hung over.

00:04:03.720 Really drunk. 1.00

00:04:04.480 Yeah, we were shit-faced. 1.00

00:04:06.440 It's pretty unprofessional and stupid of us, but... 1.00

00:04:08.820 You both threw up at my place. 0.99

00:04:10.120 Yeah, we both puked. 0.71

00:04:10.980 Yeah, we both puked at your place.

00:04:12.460 And we ordered seven shawarmas.

00:04:14.580 I know.

00:04:14.960 I ate a shawarma, puked, and then ate another shawarma.

00:04:18.700 And then, like, I got home, and then I just puked at 6 a.m.,

00:04:21.560 and it was just shawarma.

00:04:22.480 And I was like, that's pretty cool.

00:04:23.560 I gotta ask Ben what that place was. 0.98

00:04:25.100 It was pretty fucking good. 0.98

00:04:26.860 Well, that tasted better on the way out. 0.99

00:04:28.400 Literally.

00:04:28.820 It honestly did taste really good.

00:04:30.460 I was like...

00:04:30.880 So crazy.

00:04:31.620 Solid puke. 0.99

00:04:32.460 Only, like, an Arab guy would puke shawarma and be like, 1.00

00:04:35.040 that's fucking good. 1.00

00:04:37.260 Dude, I had, like, a turnip come out of my nose. 0.99

00:04:40.240 It was honestly disgusting.

00:04:41.920 I might never order from there again.

00:04:43.300 But I was more...

00:04:44.820 Just...

00:04:45.260 We were so hung over.

00:04:47.040 And then...

00:04:48.460 Just had to get, like, a last-minute car rental.

00:04:51.220 Like, I kind of didn't...

00:04:53.000 Because my family was going to come, but then they bailed.

00:04:55.260 They basically were like, we don't love you.

00:04:57.160 Yeah.

00:04:57.440 We're not going to come.

00:04:58.140 They were like, I'm not making this much on this gig.

00:04:59.780 I got a gig in town.

00:05:00.700 Um...

00:05:01.260 Yeah.

00:05:02.280 Who?

00:05:02.580 My family?

00:05:03.140 Yeah.

00:05:03.940 They got another gig.

00:05:05.660 Let's do Yucks London.

00:05:06.620 Yeah, there's another gig.

00:05:07.560 Just hang out with Brian Hatt this weekend.

00:05:09.960 That looks fun, but I'm doing a spot in London, Ontario.

00:05:15.300 I'm doing a brewery in Chatham. 0.99

00:05:18.100 No, so we just, like, ripped it in a fucking Nissan Rogue. 0.98

00:05:21.980 It wasn't that bad. 0.99

00:05:23.700 No.

00:05:24.100 Nissan Rogue was fine.

00:05:25.680 I love an opener.

00:05:26.660 I love that my opener doesn't have a driver's license.

00:05:28.560 I have a driver's license.

00:05:29.440 You just don't trust me to drive.

00:05:31.260 You have a learner's license.

00:05:32.720 I have a G2.

00:05:34.140 Yeah, but it's still not...

00:05:35.060 I mean, like, a full license.

00:05:36.640 Yeah, well...

00:05:38.920 What's the problem?

00:05:39.420 You're either funny or you know how to drive.

00:05:42.140 What?

00:05:44.900 That's the funniest thing you can do is not drive and be like, oh, you sold out this

00:05:47.960 venue?

00:05:48.320 Can I get a ride?

00:05:50.600 That was...

00:05:51.040 Sam Murill was talking about that.

00:05:52.480 He can't... 0.98

00:05:53.080 Like, he has a license, but he just sucks at driving. 0.75

00:05:55.620 I mean, that's...

00:05:56.160 You just kind of know low-key, like, because you have...

00:05:58.860 On the highway, yeah.

00:05:59.600 I wouldn't have a shit ton of...

00:06:00.440 I wouldn't want to drive on the highway.

00:06:01.300 You're not just like, oh, yeah, I'll rip out to Bob Cajun, no problem.

00:06:03.820 Yeah.

00:06:03.980 You're like, you sure, bro?

00:06:05.440 Yeah.

00:06:06.480 That's what I'm saying to be that.

00:06:08.520 Yeah, highway is scary.

00:06:10.020 Yo, you're either good at comedy or...

00:06:11.940 That doesn't make any sense.

00:06:13.820 Yeah, all the best comedians are just scared of driving.

00:06:16.620 Yeah.

00:06:17.180 It's true.

00:06:18.140 Yeah.

00:06:18.760 What?

00:06:19.400 You got to get scared of driving, bro.

00:06:20.760 Bro.

00:06:21.400 The best comedians drive recklessly.

00:06:23.300 The fastest, yeah.

00:06:25.860 What are you going to do when you're going to...

00:06:26.920 And you're just like, I'll get something, I'll get my opener to drive it.

00:06:32.560 Just try again.

00:06:33.560 Mitchell Alves would just be driving. 0.98

00:06:36.320 He sucks at driving, too. 0.58

00:06:39.480 Got to get good at driving. 0.90

00:06:40.700 Is there any way you...

00:06:42.200 You haven't done a driving class yet.

00:06:43.840 That's why.

00:06:44.400 No.

00:06:44.820 You need to...

00:06:46.360 I know, you're spending a lot of money on a lot of things.

00:06:48.340 Yeah, I spent all my money on a lawyer.

00:06:50.260 Yeah.

00:06:50.680 They go, why didn't you just do...

00:06:51.960 And the lawyer's like, you can't drive?

00:06:54.460 That'd be funny.

00:06:55.080 Can you drive over the border?

00:06:57.120 Send me your driver's license.

00:06:58.400 What does your license look like?

00:07:00.020 I don't know.

00:07:01.020 Is it a regular driver's license?

00:07:02.880 Yeah, it just says G2.

00:07:05.340 It's crazy.

00:07:09.000 For those who don't know what a G2 is, the way it works in Canada or in Ontario is you

00:07:13.660 get a G1.

00:07:14.460 Yeah, when you first come to this country, they immediately give you a G1.

00:07:18.800 And then that's like your...

00:07:20.820 And then G2, you have to wait like six months.

00:07:24.580 The G2 is like, it's an actual driving test you have to take to get it.

00:07:27.500 G1 is like a paper thing.

00:07:28.660 Paper test.

00:07:29.100 A learner's thing, so you can drive with someone else in the car, like someone can supervise.

00:07:32.780 So G2 is you can like drive alone.

00:07:34.320 It's like pretty much a functional license, but like a full license is like...

00:07:38.800 You can't drive at night or something, though.

00:07:40.540 No, I can.

00:07:41.320 Yeah?

00:07:41.540 Yeah, no, they have to have somebody with a G in the car.

00:07:44.160 Like you can't have your blood alcohol...

00:07:46.000 Like you can't have any alcohol.

00:07:46.660 Yeah, I can't drink.

00:07:47.700 Like I can't be like 0.1 or anything.

00:07:48.980 There's like no legal...

00:07:49.820 Like the legal limit for him is 0.0.

00:07:51.400 But if you have your license, it's like 0.0 or whatever.

00:07:53.600 Yeah, it's like 0.2 or something ridiculous.

00:07:54.660 Right?

00:07:54.860 Like you can have like one drink and then go drive.

00:07:57.060 He can't.

00:07:57.780 Crazy that Buddy was telling us how strict they are and all the lakes.

00:08:02.340 Like every...

00:08:02.900 Yeah.

00:08:03.280 Like in Ontario, the cops are out on every like every day just arresting people.

00:08:08.740 Yeah.

00:08:09.360 Drinking and boating?

00:08:10.380 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:11.140 That's fucking insane. 0.99

00:08:12.380 I know. 0.99

00:08:12.980 Because it's just like... 0.99

00:08:14.120 Well, it's such a fucking waste of money. 0.98

00:08:15.600 You spend your whole life working towards being able to have a cottage, being able to have 0.99

00:08:20.340 a boat, being able to fucking... 0.96

00:08:22.040 And then you get on the boat and then somebody's like, did you take a sip of alcohol? 0.99

00:08:26.240 Well, you're like it's...

00:08:27.400 Yeah.

00:08:27.600 Like if you have...

00:08:28.560 You're not supposed to drink at all if you're driving a boat.

00:08:31.020 Yeah.

00:08:31.460 But everybody else is allowed to drink on it.

00:08:33.620 Yeah. 0.97

00:08:34.200 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:08:36.560 It's totally fucking... 1.00

00:08:37.460 It's kind of like driving. 1.00

00:08:38.760 It's like, listen, people get...

00:08:39.940 But you can't drink in the...

00:08:41.040 You can't...

00:08:41.460 Other people can't have open liquor in the car.

00:08:43.440 That's true.

00:08:44.180 Yeah.

00:08:45.160 Like I'm just saying it's not like...

00:08:46.980 I don't think it's like driving where it's like zero point something.

00:08:49.420 It's like zero for boating.

00:08:52.160 I guess it makes sense because boats... 0.99

00:08:52.960 But you don't even have to do a fucking test. 0.99

00:08:54.340 You don't even have to do a driving test. 1.00

00:08:54.440 Because you can get fucked up and then you just not know. 0.96

00:08:56.640 Like if boats don't stop, they have to cruise to a stop. 0.98

00:08:59.120 There's more like brakes on a boat, is there?

00:09:01.180 Go backwards.

00:09:02.260 Yeah.

00:09:02.720 But driving a boat is like a bit...

00:09:04.780 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:05.120 There's like a glidey aspect to it that I feel like if you were like shit hammered, you could crash. 0.99

00:09:09.480 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:09.700 Like extreme.

00:09:10.300 But like a boating drunk at night.

00:09:11.720 Like is...

00:09:12.220 Like if you're like hammered driving a boat at night.

00:09:13.840 That's not even when they have the cops out though.

00:09:15.620 They have them out like during the day.

00:09:17.600 Because that's when they make money.

00:09:18.800 Yeah.

00:09:19.300 Right.

00:09:19.680 It's just a money grab.

00:09:20.420 Right.

00:09:20.640 It's a money grab.

00:09:21.340 So you go out during the day.

00:09:22.160 I guess it is just a fine.

00:09:23.640 Like probably.

00:09:24.440 I don't know.

00:09:25.440 But there's some stuff like...

00:09:26.940 He told us a story about like a dad who...

00:09:29.160 Oh yeah.

00:09:30.440 Canoed his...

00:09:31.400 Went canoeing with his kids with no life jacket and just didn't know how to swim and tipped

00:09:35.580 it over and just died in his lake.

00:09:38.100 And like they were just renting a cottage and like the dad just sunk to the bottom and

00:09:41.280 like somebody rescued the kids.

00:09:43.180 That's crazy.

00:09:43.800 Well, if you don't know how to swim, wear a life jacket.

00:09:45.540 Like I don't know. 1.00

00:09:46.220 That's pretty dumb. 1.00

00:09:47.460 Dumb like... 1.00

00:09:48.380 I mean, if you're in a canoe at all with kids, you should probably wear a life jacket. 1.00

00:09:52.160 It's fucking ridiculous. 0.99

00:09:53.320 Yeah. 1.00

00:09:54.320 But people just don't care.

00:09:55.740 Yeah.

00:09:56.340 But it's nice.

00:09:57.180 I mean, I don't know.

00:09:58.080 It's nice to be away from...

00:10:00.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:10:00.620 ...all the non-whites. 0.95

00:10:04.680 That's what the cottage is for.

00:10:05.800 I mean, cottages, it really is...

00:10:07.600 You want to talk about segregation.

00:10:08.960 It's like we're segregated by a dirt road.

00:10:11.100 Like there's a certain level of like black people would get there and be like, oh, I 1.00

00:10:16.960 don't like this shit. 1.00

00:10:18.320 Like dirt road motherfucking goddamn. 1.00

00:10:21.060 Like... 1.00

00:10:21.580 Am I wrong? 0.97

00:10:24.180 No, I feel like black people would like the cottage. 0.94

00:10:25.940 Yeah. 0.99

00:10:26.240 There's like a thing where it's like you do want to piss off old white people if you're 0.99

00:10:30.420 a minority.

00:10:31.560 And I don't think anyone gets like scared going into like, oh, there's a dirt road in

00:10:34.920 like Ontario.

00:10:36.160 Yeah.

00:10:37.000 Muskoka. 0.94

00:10:37.360 You think like black people would be like, oh, oh, yeah. 1.00

00:10:41.100 Maybe not Canadian blacks, but American blacks would be like, shee, yeah. 1.00

00:10:46.360 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:10:46.660 Dirt road.

00:10:47.180 Yeah.

00:10:47.380 You go down a dirt road somewhere in Mississippi. 1.00

00:10:48.680 They just feel like they're going to get killed by whites when they see that shit, 1.00

00:10:51.360 I think. 1.00

00:10:53.540 Like into the country?

00:10:54.960 Yeah. 0.99

00:10:55.120 Scary white people? 0.99

00:10:55.480 I think it's just more the big body of water. 0.99

00:10:57.860 They don't know how to swim in.

00:10:59.380 Yeah.

00:10:59.880 Just tell them it's grape.

00:11:00.840 Grape juice. 1.00

00:11:05.840 Fuck. 1.00

00:11:09.320 Not a lot of Jews at that lake. 1.00

00:11:10.760 It was like a Nazi lake. 0.69

00:11:12.220 Yeah, it was.

00:11:12.860 It was like all Germans on that lake. 1.00

00:11:14.740 Because the cottage we stayed at was built by his dad in 1975.

00:11:18.800 And he's like, his dad was, or his grandfather.

00:11:21.020 Yeah, his grandfather came from Argentina.

00:11:24.400 Oh, is that like an Argentina?

00:11:27.440 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:30.900 Shit. 1.00

00:11:32.180 Our food's nine minutes away. 1.00

00:11:33.860 Oh, no.

00:11:34.540 We ordered wing machine.

00:11:35.940 We wanted to get the worst wings possible.

00:11:40.200 I should have got more. 1.00

00:11:41.560 Fuck. 0.99

00:11:41.920 Thank you for listening to the podcast. 0.99

00:11:47.940 The rest of this podcast is available on my Patreon.

00:11:51.260 Patreon.com slash Ben Bank is B-E-N-B-A-N-K-A-S.

00:11:55.840 Join today.

00:11:57.040 It's only like four bucks a month.

00:11:58.500 It helps out a lot.

00:11:59.860 And you get a full bonus podcast every week.

00:12:04.460 Appreciate you guys.

00:12:05.460 And we'll see you over on Patreon.

Bankas Podcast - July 30, 2024

Return from El Patio with Armin Arbabi & Daniel Bordman ｜ The Bankas Show on Patreon - #045

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript