Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 08, 2019


#129 | Cops are done

Topics
contempt of court Australian movie "Waking Fright" having a beer after work darts
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Ryan Gerdusky Tommy Robinson Daniel Wakeford Rodney King Andrew Jackson Marty Boulanger Levi Stubbs Giuliani Alyssa Milano Adam Jackson Johnny Cash Fat Joe Northerners Roswell Tucker Elio Dave Paul Bazile Ya Mad Ya Bastard George R. Martin and 73 more
#128 | JLo is getting sued for her stripper movie #130 | Did you know some men blow dry their toes?

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 22 minutes

Words per minute

175.26

Word count

14,450

Sentence count

1,512

Harmful content

Misogyny

85

sentences flagged

Toxicity

476

sentences flagged

Hate speech

76

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

On this episode of the podcast, I talk about the case of Tommy Robinson and the contempt of court he got in the case against a judge, and how he got away with it. I also talk about how the whole concept of policing is over, and what s going on in the world of social justice warriors and how they are ruining the police force. And I talk a little bit about the recent case against Tommy Robinson, and why he should go back to jail. I also give my thoughts on the Rodney King case, and my thoughts about the Black Lives Matter movement and its impact on the culture of policing. And I give my take on the situation with Tommy Robinson's case and the way he was treated by the British justice system, and the reaction from the media and the general public to it. Also, I give a brief history of the term "jailbird" and why it's a bad word, and explain what it means and how it's been used in the context of the Robinson case. I finish with a story about a man who was killed by a police officer and his family, and then I get into why Tommy Robinson should be sent back to prison for his crimes and the reason why he's a good guy. Thank you for listening to this episode, and I hope you enjoy it! -R.I.P. Tommy Robinson. -Ezra Levant, Ezra Levant, EJ, and Jonestowns, and more! -Jonestown, and much much more. . and much more , and much, much more, ... of course, and so much more... ! in the next episode of , this week's episode, we'll be talking about Tommy Robinson is a good dude, and we'll talk about it, and it's going to be better than the other stuff, too. and a lot of other stuff that's coming soon. , I hope it's not better than that! and we're going to talk about Tommy's case, so don't forget to check it out! , so we'll see you next week, I'll be back next week! in a couple of weeks, right after this week, right? we'll know that you'll get a chance to hear Tommy's story about it or not, right?? next week? -TODAY!

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Cops are done.
00:00:03.000 The whole concept of policing is over.
00:00:07.000 I don't know, I don't know one cop who wants his kid to be a cop.
00:00:11.000 And I'm talking about guys where their grandfather was a cop, and their father was a cop, and their uncle's a cop, and their cousins, and everyone's a copity cop cop copity cop cop cop.
00:00:20.000 I know some guy in the academy, but they have no delusions about it.
00:00:25.000 They're just, it's not exciting anymore.
00:00:27.000 It got ruined.
00:00:30.000 And then things like body cams.
00:00:34.000 Some cops like them because they get exonerated, but the footage can be used against you if it's clipped a certain way.
00:00:42.000 And prosecutors have become social justice warriors, so they're going to clip it a certain way.
00:00:47.000 Like Rodney King. 0.99
00:00:48.000 Did you know Rodney King was a dick? 0.99
00:00:54.000 Did you know Rodney King led those cops through a, I don't know how long, a 30 minute police chase through a residential neighborhood where he's driving at 80 miles an hour where kids could have been out on the street? 0.99
00:01:07.000 And he's ripping through these neighborhoods, jeopardizing all these lives.
00:01:10.000 Cops are chasing him, cops are chasing him.
00:01:12.000 Eventually they get him at that gas station, whatever.
00:01:15.000 His friends just go down, put their hands over their heads, lie on their stomachs, and he won't stop screaming, taunting.
00:01:23.000 They tase him.
00:01:24.000 I don't think he was on drugs.
00:01:25.000 That's the weird part.
00:01:26.000 I think he just smoked a bit of pot. 0.97
00:01:28.000 He was just a beast. 0.93
00:01:30.000 And they shot him with tasers and he laughed in their face. 1.00
00:01:34.000 So after all that, they kicked his ass. 1.00
00:01:39.000 Normal police work, but what did the whole county see? 1.00
00:01:42.000 What did the whole country see?
00:01:44.000 They saw him getting beaten to smithereens, and then, when it went to court, everyone saw everything. 1.00
00:01:52.000 They saw the whole context of what happened, and they went, oh shit. 0.99
00:01:58.000 Everyone's wrong, he's innocent. 0.99
00:02:01.000 I guess I was wrong.
00:02:05.000 Sorry, you're good.
00:02:07.000 And the people
00:02:09.000 The mob decided, no, that's not good enough.
00:02:12.000 Uh, we saw the clip and that's justice.
00:02:17.000 So that's what we want to happen.
00:02:21.000 We want the cop to go to jail. 0.98
00:02:23.000 So they redid the trial and fucking re-arrested him. 0.98
00:02:26.000 It's like Tommy Robinson with this, um, 1.00
00:02:30.000 This stupid... Okay, I gotta not have my computer on while I do these things. 1.00
00:02:36.000 It's like Tommy Robinson and his contempt of court case.
00:02:39.000 He's going back to jail for that. 0.96
00:02:42.000 First of all, contempt of court is ridiculous. 1.00
00:02:45.000 It's what happens when you say, fuck you, judge! 1.00
00:02:48.000 Usually you just get tackled and dragged out of the courtroom. 1.00
00:02:51.000 Sometimes... 1.00
00:02:54.000 I think there's been once in recent history in Britain where the guy had to pay a fine and he was a lawyer and I believe he would not stop telling the judge to go fuck himself. 0.99
00:03:05.000 That's considered rude in the legal community. 0.99
00:03:07.000 He got contempt of court.
00:03:09.000 I don't think he ended up paying it.
00:03:10.000 I think his firm did.
00:03:12.000 No jail time, of course.
00:03:13.000 That's the last time you saw a contempt of court case.
00:03:16.000 You know, if there's any journos out there, I highly recommend you interview Ezra Levant about British contempt of court law, because the guy immersed himself in it and knows everything there is to know about it.
00:03:29.000 So Tommy's already done 40 days in solitary, like a dog in a kennel, and the only thing he could eat was tuna. 0.83
00:03:38.000 And some fruit from the commissary because the cooks were all Muslim and they were putting shit and piss and poison, probably, in his food and he knew this because they'd say, You alright, Tom? 1.00
00:03:49.000 How's your dinner, Tommy? 0.99
00:03:50.000 Did you have a good dinner, Tommy?
00:03:52.000 They put him right across from the Muslim section. 0.95
00:03:52.000 They'd walk by. 0.95
00:03:58.000 See what's happening here?
00:03:59.000 We have prosecutors and judges 0.94
00:04:02.000 On the radical activism side, getting involved in all this stuff and saying, yeah, let's put him in with the Muslim in the Muslim prison. 1.00
00:04:11.000 Let's have him across from them. 0.75
00:04:12.000 Get it real dangerous. 1.00
00:04:14.000 Maybe ideally kill him. 1.00
00:04:18.000 And didn't work. 1.00
00:04:19.000 So he leaves and then you'll have to get the details yourself.
00:04:24.000 But I went down for his second trial after he had been released and the judge
00:04:32.000 There was some random judge who didn't like Tommy because Tommy said, God save the Queen, at a trial a long, long time ago, like five or six years ago, they caught some terrorists who were on their way to kill Tommy and his bodyguard, Kev. 0.80
00:04:48.000 And the police stumbled upon these two terrorists because of they didn't have insurance on their rental or something silly and then later on they found all this shit in the car like bombs and knives and guns and stuff and a note to the Queen saying this is why we just killed Tommy Robinson. 0.83
00:05:02.000 So that didn't work. 0.99
00:05:06.000 And in the court, they yelled, God save the Queen!
00:05:08.000 As they were escorted out.
00:05:10.000 That pissed off the judge. 0.96
00:05:12.000 So years later, after Tommy's done his sentence where he lost 40 pounds, because he almost starved to death in there, that judge goes, actually, I'd like to try him if I may.
00:05:26.000 So he tries him and guess who the judge is for that retrial? 0.98
00:05:29.000 That fucking judge that decided to charge him again. 0.99
00:05:33.000 So now it looks like he's going to jail again for the same crime. 0.99
00:05:37.000 This is a wake-up call for me with the Proud Boys on October 12th in that fight, where I kind of thought the courts were on our side.
00:05:45.000 I got this from free speech.
00:05:48.000 With free speech, usually when it makes it to the Supreme Court, the court errs on the side of the Constitution.
00:05:53.000 It's the mob that's the enemy.
00:05:55.000 It's the social justice warriors, the blue-haired nuts that are the enemy. 0.99
00:05:59.000 The grumpy feminist housewives. 1.00
00:06:01.000 And then I started noticing, wait a minute, 0.95
00:06:04.000 Some of these grumpy feminists are actually prosecuting DAs in the New York City court system. 1.00
00:06:12.000 And some of them are judges and some of them are prosecutors. 1.00
00:06:15.000 What the fuck? 0.99
00:06:16.000 And some of them are working with the media. 1.00
00:06:20.000 And everyone, the media goes, oh, Gavin McInnes was bragging that he's friends with cops.
00:06:25.000 That's why these guys are getting such a smooth ride.
00:06:27.000 Smooth ride?
00:06:28.000 They're facing prison time.
00:06:31.000 You gotta understand, knowing the cops doesn't help you.
00:06:35.000 I don't know about Chicago, I can't speak to other towns, but having tons of cop buddies, it gets you a mini badge, where you probably won't get a ticket if you do an illegal U-turn.
00:06:46.000 And you probably can park illegally in some spots.
00:06:48.000 You might not get a ticket, although the parking guys are not that close with the NYPD.
00:06:52.000 But as far as, like, getting out of major crimes, no.
00:06:57.000 The rank and file is the same as us here on the streets. 1.00
00:07:02.000 And we're both fucked. 1.00
00:07:05.000 And I did try. 0.99
00:07:06.000 I said, can you get me some inside scoop on what's going on there?
00:07:10.000 And if I would text that to a cop, he would stop texting me back. 0.99
00:07:15.000 I mean, these guys lose their pensions all the fucking time. 0.99
00:07:18.000 That cop who slapped the guy who tried to kill himself? 0.99
00:07:20.000 He just went to prison for five years. 1.00
00:07:22.000 The guy who put the pole up Abner Louima's ass? 0.99
00:07:24.000 What was his name? 0.99
00:07:25.000 Justin Volpe?
00:07:26.000 He's still in prison, in Florida.
00:07:28.000 They don't get away with murder.
00:07:30.000 Those days are gone.
00:07:33.000 And that's a good thing. 1.00
00:07:34.000 The guy who put the pole up that dude's ass should go to prison. 0.99
00:07:38.000 But I think the pendulum has swung beyond that. 0.99
00:07:40.000 And they're not just getting bad cops, they're getting good cops.
00:07:44.000 And...
00:07:45.000 Here's what happens with this.
00:07:47.000 When you start persecuting police and saying things like, the latest one I've heard is, if you go in and you shoot a guy who was like about to shoot someone, you get investigated, guaranteed, because you shot someone.
00:08:00.000 And then they say, did you announce that you were going in?
00:08:02.000 Did you announce your arrival?
00:08:05.000 Hi!
00:08:05.000 Police!
00:08:06.000 We're coming in here to shoot anyone who's shooting people, just so you know. 0.99
00:08:11.000 No, I didn't announce my arrival. 0.99
00:08:13.000 You shouldn't.
00:08:15.000 You have to surprise bad guys.
00:08:17.000 That's in their training.
00:08:18.000 They're at the point now where they're getting penalized for things that were in their training.
00:08:22.000 Like there was that guy in the Bronx, I think, a cop who shot an old lady, old black lady who was coming at him with a baseball bat. 0.98
00:08:30.000 In the training, the cop training, one of the fucking cardboard things that comes at you that you're supposed to shoot with your little rubber gun, whatever it is, is someone with a baseball bat. 0.98
00:08:41.000 You can get killed or even you get knocked unconscious now she's got your gun. 1.00
00:08:45.000 If someone comes at a cop with a baseball bat they have to and they have to shoot them and I remember the jury they had to bring in an expert because the jury hates cops in New York. 0.91
00:08:56.000 The jury was ready to throw the book at him they had to bring an expert and say no actually you can be killed by a baseball bat. 0.98
00:09:03.000 So what it's doing now is it's attracting nerds and pussies and people who don't want confrontation. 0.97
00:09:09.000 Like we saw this in the South Side of Chicago. 0.98
00:09:12.000 Cops kept getting persecuted.
00:09:15.000 They kept getting fired.
00:09:15.000 They kept losing their pensions.
00:09:16.000 They kept getting penalized for doing police work.
00:09:19.000 Oh, it's stop and frisk. 0.98
00:09:20.000 They're racist. 1.00
00:09:21.000 And the South Side of Chicago said, fuck you, pigs. 1.00
00:09:24.000 We don't want you down here. 1.00
00:09:25.000 And the police went, OK, you win.
00:09:29.000 So cops stopped going to the South Side of Chicago.
00:09:31.000 And now I believe they're up to two murders a day.
00:09:35.000 That tiny area.
00:09:37.000 New York has a murder a day.
00:09:38.000 We have three times the population of Chicago.
00:09:41.000 Our murders are all East New York.
00:09:43.000 Their murders are all the South Side.
00:09:46.000 And that's two murders.
00:09:47.000 That's two deaths.
00:09:49.000 The shootings that go on there.
00:09:50.000 I was talking to a military vet.
00:09:52.000 I said, I think there was like 60 shootings one weekend.
00:09:55.000 And I said, what if there was 60 shootings in Afghanistan in a battle?
00:09:59.000 And he goes, that would become the battle of Kafir.
00:10:03.000 Like it would be in Wikipedia as a thing.
00:10:07.000 That's an event.
00:10:08.000 60 shots.
00:10:10.000 That's not just a kooky weekend.
00:10:12.000 It's a kooky weekend in the South side of Chicago.
00:10:14.000 In the world, that's considered a pretty serious battle.
00:10:21.000 I mean, not one of the biggies.
00:10:25.000 What's the biggest battle in the Civil War, Ryan?
00:10:28.000 Oh, that would be the Charleston Showdown.
00:10:33.000 That would be so weird if you were smart.
00:10:35.000 Yeah.
00:10:36.000 What if you bumped your head, you fell off your bicycle, and you just became a smart person one day?
00:10:40.000 Well, is smart being able to retain information, or is it... I mean, because I think I'm bright.
00:10:46.000 Like, I just have absorbed nothing.
00:10:48.000 Well, you're half... Yeah, you're half Puerto Rican, you're half Japanese. 0.99
00:10:51.000 So you're half bright and half retarded. 1.00
00:10:54.000 I've learned how to play guitar, I've learned how to edit, but all within a short period of time. 0.99
00:11:00.000 So I think I have the ability to be smart, I just haven't gone to school.
00:11:04.000 A good school for Pete's.
00:11:07.000 No, you still say retarded stuff like, hey Ryan, you should get a bike so you can get groceries. 0.97
00:11:12.000 Well, I'd need a basket for my little baguette. 0.82
00:11:15.000 That was pre-closet?
00:11:16.000 Pre-closet.
00:11:17.000 Yeah, that's not, if we didn't learn in school that when you have a closet, it doesn't exist until you recognize it as a thing.
00:11:25.000 All right.
00:11:25.000 Point taken.
00:11:26.000 Folks at home, by the way, if you're wondering, and you hadn't heard the previous podcast, Ryan has a suit hanging on his windowsill.
00:11:34.000 And I said, why don't you put that in the closet?
00:11:36.000 And he goes, oh, I put that there pre-closet.
00:11:39.000 Like his closet was new.
00:11:40.000 What I meant was before I took the closet seriously.
00:11:43.000 Anyway, I want to... That's actually what you did me.
00:11:47.000 I just surprised myself though.
00:11:49.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:11:49.000 That sounded dumb. 0.98
00:11:50.000 Before I took the closet seriously. 0.97
00:11:51.000 Yeah, but it sounds funny, but it's true. 0.97
00:11:54.000 Right.
00:11:55.000 Battle of Gettysburg.
00:11:57.000 How many deaths?
00:11:58.000 Estimated 25,000. 0.98
00:11:58.000 Holy crap! 0.98
00:11:58.000 That's a lot. 0.98
00:12:02.000 Holy crap! 0.98
00:12:05.000 And they didn't have the infrastructure to deal with those bodies. 0.99
00:12:09.000 So that must have been a mass grave.
00:12:11.000 I know there was a massive train accident with POWs up in, where I used to have a house, up in Chihuahua, Pennsylvania.
00:12:20.000 And I think there was 43 dead POWs, Southerners, and they just sort of went, sorry guys, and they dug a big mass grave and threw them in it.
00:12:29.000 Yikes.
00:12:30.000 Sorry POWs, we didn't know the train was gonna crash. 1.00
00:12:33.000 And two of them lived for a long time, well a long time, 48 hours, and the Northerners had the families notified.
00:12:42.000 The families came up and were able to say goodbye to their boys.
00:12:45.000 I might tear up right now.
00:12:47.000 The boys were probably 20 years old, I bet.
00:12:50.000 And they got to say their goodbyes to these two men.
00:12:57.000 And the two men are buried in a tiny abandoned cemetery that's at the back of an old church that these homos bought. 1.00
00:13:08.000 They were my neighbors and they were called Johnny and Roswell.
00:13:12.000 They don't speak to me anymore because of the Proud Boys, but we were very close for a long time.
00:13:16.000 In fact, I woke up once next to Roswell, nude.
00:13:22.000 He was nude or you were nude?
00:13:23.000 I always sleep nude.
00:13:24.000 We were both naked.
00:13:25.000 Oh my lord.
00:13:26.000 And for a millisecond, I looked down, and I thought, wow, my wife's really slimmed down. 1.00
00:13:31.000 Because he's petite.
00:13:33.000 And then I thought, you don't lose weight in a day. 0.99
00:13:35.000 And I realized, there's a gay man in my bed. 1.00
00:13:39.000 There's a gay man in my bed, there's a homo in my sheets, and he's wriggling around. 1.00
00:13:44.000 What if the kids walked in? 1.00
00:13:46.000 I kind of vacillate from going, haha, that was kooky, to, hey! 0.99
00:13:51.000 Like what if my son walked in and saw dad in bed with a nude gay man? 1.00
00:13:55.000 Holy smokes. 0.99
00:13:57.000 I don't know. 1.00
00:13:58.000 I don't mean that in a... What the fuck? 1.00
00:14:01.000 They could have thought it was a fag. 1.00
00:14:02.000 But that's still infidelity. 0.98
00:14:04.000 It's still confusing. 0.96
00:14:06.000 Like when they talk about cheating, well my dad fucks dudes sometimes, but he doesn't cheat on my mom that much. 0.99
00:14:12.000 In fact, I've only seen him fuck once. 0.99
00:14:13.000 Well, you don't even see them fuck. 1.00
00:14:15.000 I just walked in after what I assume was a night of serious butt sex. 1.00
00:14:18.000 Oof. 0.99
00:14:18.000 You know when things just look bad, but they're not, and there's just no... Yeah, imagine how disturbed you'd be if you walked in and saw your dad in bed with a nude dude. 0.99
00:14:26.000 Holy frick. 0.99
00:14:26.000 A nude dude? 0.99
00:14:27.000 Nude dude. 0.97
00:14:29.000 Naveed?
00:14:32.000 Another train thing that or a big accident that happened this past weekend a hockey team.
00:14:37.000 I think from Humboldt County, California A hockey team like I think 16 of them died like coaches and players in one bus accident fuck Yeah, I remember that that was a while while ago was it Yeah, thanks for breaking news
00:14:54.000 What do they call me?
00:14:55.000 Ancient News Rivera or something?
00:14:57.000 I just call you Ancient News.
00:14:58.000 You always text me a story 48 hours after everyone else has seen it in Twitter moments.
00:15:05.000 Anyway.
00:15:05.000 I want a segment on the show, Ancient Chinese News.
00:15:09.000 Ancient Chinese News.
00:15:12.000 Ancient Chinese News.
00:15:14.000 That should be a segment on our new show.
00:15:16.000 It should.
00:15:16.000 We're already working on the new show, guys.
00:15:19.000 Fun stuff.
00:15:21.000 I put together the 25 hottest women in the world, and we're realizing it's an amorphous list in that some of them gotta go. 0.99
00:15:31.000 Some of them are in.
00:15:32.000 Like we had the chick from Game of Thrones, particularly the character she played in the Han Solo movie, where she was some insanely hot princess. 0.93
00:15:41.000 Then we saw her sing a reggae song, and we thought, I'm glad you had a brain aneurysm. 0.91
00:15:46.000 You're out. 0.91
00:15:47.000 And then there's that Elizabeth Stokey chick.
00:15:50.000 Oh, you've got it?
00:15:51.000 Okay, so I'm talking about the chick from Game of Thrones who's a blonde hair and has all those dragons, Emilia Clarke. 0.99
00:15:58.000 She in the Han Solo movie is so hot that I was, I saw it in the theater with my kids, I actually leaned back in my chair and sort of went, holy shit! 1.00
00:16:08.000 Like I was watching an insane train accident where someone got beheaded. 0.99
00:16:12.000 I was shocked.
00:16:13.000 And I think my mouth was agog the entire movie.
00:16:17.000 That means your jaw is hanging on the ground?
00:16:22.000 And so I put it on the list.
00:16:23.000 And then I see her do this reggae song with these gross shoes. 1.00
00:16:28.000 And then I found out later she had a brain aneurysm.
00:16:31.000 They're not related, I guess.
00:16:32.000 Forget the aneurysm.
00:16:33.000 I think this is a recording of the brain aneurysm.
00:16:36.000 Yeah, we thought God went to cringe Reddit and he was like, that's it. 1.00
00:16:42.000 Fuck this bitch. 1.00
00:16:43.000 And he made her brain pop. 1.00
00:16:46.000 But anyway, listen to this and let it let your brain pop.
00:16:50.000 George R. Martin meets Chris Martin.
00:16:52.000 What could go wrong?
00:16:57.000 What's a fairy? 0.64
00:17:00.000 You mean Rastafari.
00:17:02.000 And you know what else is going on there?
00:17:04.000 That's enough.
00:17:05.000 She doesn't want to be racist and have a Jamaican accent. 1.00
00:17:22.000 So she's doing it in a Jamaican stylee, but not actually appropriating the patois.
00:17:27.000 Here, go back to the part I just interrupted, where she's doing the... 1.00
00:17:32.000 That makes me so sexist.
00:17:34.000 It makes me hate actresses more than I already do, which I didn't think was possible. 0.96
00:17:38.000 I am in the KKK of racists.
00:17:40.000 I mean... 0.92
00:17:56.000 I am in the KKK of hating actresses. 0.99
00:17:59.000 They're the worst. 0.98
00:18:01.000 Alyssa Milano.
00:18:02.000 Remember that video?
00:18:04.000 That song?
00:18:05.000 I got my fight song.
00:18:08.000 I still got a little fight left in me. 0.95
00:18:13.000 Oh God, it's like all these actresses and it's you just hate them their faces look gross. 1.00
00:18:20.000 Oh God, they're so smug and vapid and They have nothing to offer Have they ever read a nonfiction book has any actress in the world ever read one nonfiction book in her fucking life? 1.00
00:18:37.000 Everybody looks like shit Play the song so they can see what we're talking about 1.00
00:18:55.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:18:56.000 By the way, that's a shout out to Hillary because her first book was called It Takes a Village. 1.00
00:19:01.000 Isn't it racist that they put purple behind her? 1.00
00:19:03.000 I mean... Tell the folks at home what that YouTube is so they can look.
00:19:08.000 It's the Democratic National Convention.
00:19:11.000 Girl Fight Song.
00:19:12.000 Our fight song.
00:19:13.000 Yeah.
00:19:13.000 There's only 3,000... There's only 30,000 subscribers to the channel.
00:19:18.000 What losers. 0.99
00:19:19.000 Wait a minute. 0.99
00:19:20.000 I have to... Yeah, that's less... That's a tenth of what I have.
00:19:23.000 But um, wait a minute, I have to finish my cops point.
00:19:27.000 So, they come up with all these rules, and it makes it worse for the hood, by the way.
00:19:32.000 Areas, fancy white areas, have no crime in them, so the cops can leave or show up, doesn't really matter.
00:19:40.000 But in the hood, the cops decide how many people die, and when cops leave,
00:19:45.000 That means a lot of people die.
00:19:47.000 Mo cops, less death.
00:19:49.000 Mo policing, more safety.
00:19:52.000 Mo guns, mo safety.
00:19:54.000 Legal guns. 1.00
00:19:56.000 When you enforce these stupid gun laws, the old black ladies and the dads who stuck by their black families in the hood, they're the ones that are fucked. 1.00
00:20:05.000 Illegal guns are already rampant. 1.00
00:20:06.000 I could buy an illegal gun tonight for 500 bucks.
00:20:11.000 Um, so you persecute them, they make their job hell.
00:20:13.000 They just had, look this up, they just had two cops blow their heads off.
00:20:19.000 I think it was in Hartford, Connecticut, and it was a party. 0.52
00:20:22.000 Some Hispanics were having a party.
00:20:24.000 I don't know what kind of Hispanics.
00:20:26.000 One of the countries in Mexico, as Fox News said recently.
00:20:29.000 Um, and they, uh, 0.98
00:20:32.000 They were just being real lippy to the cops, telling them to fuck off, and one of them had a gun, and the cops freaked out, but they realized later he was a bounty cop himself, and he had a license to have the handgun. 0.99
00:20:44.000 So they're getting investigated, and it's coming down hard on them, and two cops blow their heads off. 1.00
00:20:50.000 Each other's heads off?
00:20:51.000 Yeah.
00:20:52.000 No, not each other's heads off.
00:20:53.000 Oh, they shot themselves?
00:20:54.000 They both separately committed suicide. 1.00
00:20:56.000 Oh, frick. 0.99
00:20:57.000 Oh, I see it here, yeah. 0.98
00:20:58.000 No, you don't.
00:20:59.000 That's Friendly Fire.
00:21:00.000 What are you talking about?
00:21:01.000 NYPD?
00:21:02.000 No, it's not New York.
00:21:03.000 Oh.
00:21:04.000 You think Hartford, Connecticut is run by the NYPD?
00:21:08.000 No.
00:21:08.000 Yeah.
00:21:09.000 It's an acronym.
00:21:11.000 And the first two letters involve New York City.
00:21:13.000 Maybe that wasn't clear enough for you.
00:21:15.000 You thought there was the New York State PD.
00:21:17.000 I did.
00:21:21.000 Just look up two cops who committed suicide and then hit news.
00:21:24.000 Do you even know that?
00:21:27.000 Do you even know the news thing?
00:21:30.000 Like, say you want to learn what Alyssa Milano's been up to recently.
00:21:33.000 You go, Melissa Milano, right?
00:21:35.000 You hit Google, then you have News, Images, Videos, Shopping, More.
00:21:39.000 You click News.
00:21:40.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:42.000 So, okay, this is, this is it.
00:21:44.000 Oh, one, okay.
00:21:46.000 Yeah, found dead in his Milford home, uh, police chief Armando Perez.
00:21:51.000 That sounds right.
00:21:52.000 Confirmed that, uh, oh no no, the person that killed himself was Mark Belinky.
00:21:57.000 19 year old.
00:21:59.000 Cop?
00:21:59.000 Veteran.
00:22:00.000 Yeah, he was found dead in his Milford home.
00:22:02.000 Was he a cop?
00:22:03.000 You got the right story?
00:22:04.000 Yep.
00:22:05.000 Bridgeport following an unprecedented investigation 17 Bridgeport police officers are facing discipline nine could be fired all after the city's Internal affairs found they lied on official reports violating regulation 2017 incident where cops broke up a call Oh, yeah party on Colorado Avenue.
00:22:21.000 There we go two officers Investigated for their involvement that night since have killed themselves including sergeant Bill Enke 19 year old veteran and the other one was
00:22:33.000 Thomas Latanzio, who had been on administrative leave as a result of Colorado Avenue incident, killed himself at Seaside Park Bridgeport.
00:22:44.000 There we go.
00:22:46.000 So...
00:22:47.000 And these guys, they tend to be divorced.
00:22:49.000 All they really have is their job and their pension.
00:22:51.000 That's their entire identity.
00:22:52.000 And they probably work tons of overtime when they're not with their kids, because what else are you going to do?
00:22:56.000 Sit at home?
00:22:58.000 And they get stressed out, so they drink a lot. 1.00
00:23:00.000 So all this guy has is his badge, and then you say, fuck you, we're going to throw your badge in the garbage. 1.00
00:23:05.000 Kills himself. 1.00
00:23:06.000 Happens all the time.
00:23:08.000 They're all divorced, and their suicide rate, I bet it's like five times the national average.
00:23:16.000 Suicide, right? 1.00
00:23:17.000 But anyway, here's the point I've been trying to make since I got on this goddamn microphone. 0.99
00:23:25.000 So that's the first generation. 0.98
00:23:28.000 I think it was pretty cool to be a cop during Giuliani.
00:23:30.000 Actually, pre-Giuliani, it was also bad.
00:23:33.000 The Dinkins, they'd spit on cops and stuff. 1.00
00:23:35.000 Then for Giuliani in the early, in the 90s, it was good, again.
00:23:40.000 But then it became bad now in de Blasio's New York.
00:23:45.000 And you got the suicides and all that stuff and they're miserable, right?
00:23:53.000 But then you go, who's going to join the academy now?
00:23:58.000 Who is it going to attract? 1.00
00:24:00.000 And when you have all these stupid rules and you make it impossible to do anything, you're going to attract pussies and nerds. 1.00
00:24:09.000 Nerds don't mind paperwork. 1.00
00:24:12.000 I did a ride along once, and both cops had all of the Lord of the Rings on their iPhones.
00:24:19.000 You don't need to close the windows.
00:24:20.000 I don't care about noise. 0.70
00:24:24.000 That's a nerd.
00:24:25.000 And that's someone who doesn't mind sitting down and filling out three pages every time they get someone doing an illegal U-turn.
00:24:31.000 So...
00:24:33.000 What does that mean? 0.99
00:24:33.000 That means you have pussies and nerds who don't do any real policing and they're not going to beat up a guy who just beat up an old man or something. 0.99
00:24:40.000 They're not going to chase anyone down an alleyway or they're not going to chase Rodney King in a car. 0.99
00:24:45.000 He's going to get away with whatever he wants.
00:24:47.000 You basically just don't have police.
00:24:50.000 And that's where we ended up.
00:24:51.000 So what you've seen in the South Side of Chicago is about to start spreading.
00:24:55.000 And you're going to see more deaths in Baltimore, more deaths in East New York, more deaths in South Central, and no reporting on it.
00:25:03.000 Because we also have, we're at an all-time low, sorry to be such a negative Nelly, we're at an all-time low with journalism. 0.86
00:25:11.000 Like there's a race war going on in South Central where Mexican gangs and Mexicans in general are killing black people just because they're black in an effort to ethnically cleanse the neighborhood. 0.91
00:25:24.000 I believe the ADL even called it ethnic cleansing. 0.98
00:25:33.000 I've seen one article
00:25:36.000 It was, what's his name, on Red Alert Politics, Ryan Gerduski.
00:25:40.000 He's the only guy I've seen writing about this.
00:25:42.000 And they just went up to a little 13-year-old black girl on her skateboard and just shot her in the head and drove away.
00:25:46.000 They throw Molotov cocktails into the kids' bedrooms.
00:25:49.000 No one writes about it. 0.99
00:25:50.000 Because they'd rather just fucking focus on a typo Trump made. 1.00
00:25:55.000 Because they can do that from sitting on their ass. 1.00
00:26:01.000 Alright. 1.00
00:26:02.000 I got that out.
00:26:04.000 Now I ain't so mad.
00:26:06.000 I've got a lot of voice notes here that I'm supposed to tell you about.
00:26:20.000 I was drinking with this guy last night and in my study I've got a giant stuffed bear and that's where the nearest bathroom is if we're in the living room and I heard him walk in and just to himself he walks into the little study which is very small it's like 10 feet by 10 feet and he sees the giant stuffed bear and I overhear him and he had no way of knowing anyone was listening go hey bear
00:26:44.000 Who the bear?
00:26:45.000 He probably did that so he didn't shit himself. 0.99
00:26:47.000 The first time I saw that, I got scared. 0.99
00:26:49.000 You got scared of the bear?
00:26:51.000 It's huge, and it's human-shaped.
00:26:53.000 You know what's great?
00:26:54.000 If the dog's getting on my nerves, I just go there, and he's too scared to come in, because the bear will attack him.
00:26:58.000 I can't remember exactly what the context was, but Willie Tug was on being grammatically incorrect.
00:27:06.000 Yeah, that was a funny one.
00:27:07.000 Grammarically.
00:27:07.000 Grammarically?
00:27:08.000 He goes, they wrote out this form.
00:27:09.000 It was totally grammatically incorrect. 0.99
00:27:14.000 One, I don't want to sound like a pussy or nothing, but it got really cold. 0.97
00:27:19.000 And then the other, talking about my kids being healthy. 0.99
00:27:21.000 Bless you stars, man.
00:27:24.000 Yeah.
00:27:25.000 That's what I wanted to say.
00:27:26.000 He was talking, we were talking about kids, you know, friends of ours who have a kid that's autistic or handicapped and stuff like that.
00:27:31.000 And it's fairly common amongst the people we know, especially as we get older.
00:27:35.000 And he goes, you know, your kids are healthy, man.
00:27:38.000 You got to bless your stars.
00:27:39.000 Just bless your stars.
00:27:40.000 Your kids are healthy.
00:27:41.000 I'm like, do you mean thank my lucky stars?
00:27:45.000 Anyway.
00:27:46.000 Dude, that just reminded me.
00:27:48.000 So I picked up a weekend job at the old sushi restaurant I used to work at.
00:27:53.000 Classic Japanese person.
00:27:55.000 Yeah, seriously.
00:27:57.000 But I was waiting tables and this guy came up and he was asking me about the rolls.
00:28:00.000 He's like, yeah, I get these two rolls, so to speak.
00:28:02.000 He kept saying so to speak.
00:28:04.000 He keeps saying so to speak.
00:28:04.000 I love that.
00:28:05.000 That's like a rapper thing, if you will.
00:28:08.000 Yeah.
00:28:09.000 For all, uh, for all intensive purposes, isn't there a Fat Joe album that's called If You Will, or Big Pun?
00:28:19.000 Yeah, Big Pun, and it's, they're trying to sound smart.
00:28:19.000 Maybe.
00:28:23.000 No one talked like that for the past hundred years.
00:28:28.000 Yeah, it's, uh, another thing they say is, uh, in regards to, but not limited to, their reign.
00:28:34.000 You know? 0.99
00:28:36.000 In which case, in which case... Well, now I gotta find that fucking album. 1.00
00:28:43.000 So, big pun. 1.00
00:28:45.000 It's got capital punishment. 0.93
00:28:46.000 Yeah, baby! 1.00
00:28:48.000 So that can't be it.
00:28:50.000 Who's the other guy?
00:28:50.000 Fat Joe.
00:28:51.000 Fat Joe. 1.00
00:28:53.000 I heard he used to beat the- I heard Big Pun used to beat the shit out of his wife. 0.99
00:28:56.000 In fact, I met a cop who used to beat him up. 0.99
00:28:59.000 Back in the good old days, they'd bring in Big Pun and they'd beat him up every time he beat up his wife.
00:29:05.000 And you know what his wife would do? 1.00
00:29:06.000 She would run up the stairs.
00:29:07.000 Because he was so fat he couldn't climb stairs. 1.00
00:29:10.000 So he'd be like, get the fuck down here! 1.00
00:29:13.000 Get down here, you fucking bitch! 1.00
00:29:17.000 Um... 1.00
00:29:19.000 The elephant in the room?
00:29:21.000 Is that what I'm thinking of?
00:29:22.000 By Fat Joe?
00:29:23.000 No.
00:29:24.000 Family ties, all or nothing loyalty.
00:29:25.000 Already in reality check.
00:29:29.000 What did you think it was?
00:29:30.000 It was like, if you will.
00:29:31.000 Oh.
00:29:33.000 Or something like that.
00:29:35.000 That's like when, um, P Diddy said, um, he never seems to amaze me.
00:29:43.000 Uh, anyway, let's, should we, uh, catch up on some mail that this episode's supposed to be about the mailbag?
00:29:49.000 Have we said everything funny we want to say?
00:29:51.000 Well this is probably not going to translate in a podcast but Ryan and I were just laughing about when you we watch we would like to go to Reddit public freakout where you see people fight and some guy was using racial epithets and he got up to about six before the black dude he was yelling at started beating him up and every time the white guy got a hit in the head he'd go
00:30:13.000 There's something so funny about someone getting in a fight or getting beat up and every time they get punched they go There was a viral video I saw a long time ago where the guy did that every time he got hit And I can't remember for the life of me what it was But it's funny
00:30:35.000 By the way, sparring, learning some unbelievable stuff these days.
00:30:39.000 And here's a great example of why sparring is better than just hitting the heavy bags.
00:30:43.000 I was working on this super duper cool move where I'd make a step to the left.
00:30:51.000 And that gets me out of your way and now I'm right by your right ear and then I do a left hook. 0.99
00:30:57.000 So I deke out your punch and do a left hook. 0.99
00:31:00.000 I've practiced that on the heavy bag 90 billion times and guess how well it works in the ring?
00:31:06.000 Probably well.
00:31:07.000 Zero.
00:31:07.000 Oh.
00:31:08.000 It sucks because 0.81
00:31:10.000 To do that step, to walk over there basically to a new section of the ring, the guy can see what you're up to so he just puts his gloves by his head and your left hook is always punching a glove. 0.91
00:31:22.000 Doesn't work.
00:31:24.000 Nothing is more effective than actually trying out the thing.
00:31:29.000 If you're gonna open a restaurant, start selling, just open the back of your pickup truck at a tailgate and start seeing if people like your pulled pork sandwiches.
00:31:38.000 Then you can open a pulled pork restaurant.
00:31:41.000 I used to go to this great pizza place upstate, and if you're a New Yorker, we consider upstate two hours from here.
00:31:48.000 It was called Benji and Jake's.
00:31:51.000 And they started just selling their pizzas from a pizza oven by the lake.
00:31:56.000 And then they started selling more and more and more, and the next thing you know, they built a restaurant.
00:32:00.000 That's how you do it.
00:32:02.000 You know what I learned today? 0.99
00:32:03.000 When guys punch you in the side, sometimes they don't give a shit about punching you in the side. 0.98
00:32:08.000 They're punching you in the side so you lower your arms to block it, and then you leave your head open and then bonk, nail you with the left. 0.98
00:32:18.000 Looks like good pizza, man.
00:32:18.000 Or even an uppercut.
00:32:20.000 Oh, it's a really high quality super thin.
00:32:22.000 Yeah.
00:32:23.000 Oh, there's another place.
00:32:25.000 Are you near Port Jervis in New York? 0.97
00:32:27.000 Actually, yeah, there's a really fucking weird place. 0.79
00:32:30.000 They're called Lennon Joe's Len and Joe's. 0.91
00:32:34.000 And I think it's just some random fat housewife who said, I want to try to make a pizza, Joey. 1.00
00:32:40.000 And he goes, What are you talking about?
00:32:41.000 Make a pizza.
00:32:42.000 What do you know about pizza?
00:32:43.000 I'll try it.
00:32:45.000 And then she invented a new kind of like thick crust pizza. 0.80
00:32:48.000 I'm looking at it, yeah. 0.98
00:32:49.000 That you jerk off thinking about it. 0.97
00:32:51.000 It looks like Elio's but like homemade Elio's. 0.66
00:32:54.000 Their restaurant is like a house.
00:32:56.000 It doesn't even look like a real restaurant. 0.98
00:32:58.000 There's a little shitty bar in it. 0.98
00:32:59.000 And the pizza's insane. 0.97
00:33:01.000 Like you get mad at your stomach because you can't eat enough.
00:33:04.000 If someone said, would you rather go to Keene's Steakhouse for a prime rib or Len & Joe's for pizza, I would go, can you give me some time?
00:33:12.000 Can you give me a week?
00:33:12.000 Hmm.
00:33:14.000 Dude, he... Oh shit, I didn't finish the faggot stuff! 1.00
00:33:18.000 Sheesh. 1.00
00:33:19.000 Oish.
00:33:20.000 So, uh...
00:33:22.000 Before we get to the mailbag, those homos I told you about who bought that church? 1.00
00:33:25.000 Pretty blasphemous, by the way. 1.00
00:33:26.000 Like, their confessionals are upside down now, and they have probably gigantic gay orgies. 1.00
00:33:31.000 I know sometimes I'd talk to them and say, yeah, that was during my crazy days when I had a threesome. 0.99
00:33:35.000 And they're like, a threesome?
00:33:36.000 One of them is Southern.
00:33:37.000 Threesome? 1.00
00:33:37.000 God damn it, you're a pussy. 1.00
00:33:39.000 I'm not even interested if it's less than a sixome or a sevensome. 1.00
00:33:44.000 Like, seven people fornicating? 1.00
00:33:47.000 How many dicks is that? 1.00
00:33:48.000 Well, I guess it's seven. 0.99
00:33:49.000 Yeah.
00:33:50.000 But there's legs everywhere and what is that, 70 toes?
00:33:55.000 No thanks. 1.00
00:33:56.000 I don't think I would want to fuck seven chicks. 1.00
00:33:58.000 I know that sounds gay, but I'll tell you what I really wouldn't want to fuck, 72 virgins. 1.00
00:34:04.000 No, thank you. 1.00
00:34:05.000 I fucked virgins when I was in high school. 1.00
00:34:06.000 It was torture. 1.00
00:34:08.000 It was like you were a gynecologist pulling teeth out of their vaginas. 1.00
00:34:14.000 They were just like, ow, ow, ow. 0.99
00:34:15.000 Hold on.
00:34:16.000 Move your arm.
00:34:16.000 Ow.
00:34:17.000 Okay.
00:34:17.000 Ow, ow, ow.
00:34:18.000 Ow, ow. 1.00
00:34:18.000 Okay. 1.00
00:34:19.000 Is that okay?
00:34:21.000 No, thanks. 1.00
00:34:21.000 I'll take a divorced Puerto Rican with pendulous breasts. 1.00
00:34:27.000 I'll take Cardi B over a virgin any day of the week. 1.00
00:34:30.000 But anyway, these gays, when they bought the church, they revamped it. 1.00
00:34:36.000 It looks amazing now.
00:34:37.000 I mean, it could be in better homes and gardens.
00:34:39.000 I'm not exaggerating.
00:34:40.000 And the lawn, all the bodies and the coffins have decomposed.
00:34:46.000 So it's like a golf course, like one of the Trump links.
00:34:50.000 It's like moguls in their backyard.
00:34:52.000 You can't mow it with a lawnmower.
00:34:54.000 So they get there and they manually mow it with like a hand thingamadoodle.
00:34:59.000 And they discover all these gravestones.
00:35:01.000 And two of them, to bring it back around, were these from these Confederate POWs that were from the Shoahola train wreck.
00:35:11.000 Where 43 men were just thrown in a mass grave.
00:35:13.000 Two of them lived.
00:35:14.000 They had a real ceremony.
00:35:16.000 Now, this is what we don't get in history. 0.94
00:35:18.000 You know, my kids get all this Howard Zinn shit, the people's history of America, where we learn about how evil we were and Adam, what's his name? 0.91
00:35:27.000 Sam Adams? 0.98
00:35:27.000 Who's the president? 0.98
00:35:28.000 Adam Jackson?
00:35:29.000 Andrew Jackson? 0.99
00:35:31.000 Andrew Jackson loved killing Indians. 0.99
00:35:34.000 Yeah, I don't believe you that he loved killing Indians. 0.99
00:35:37.000 He may have killed a lot of Indians, sure. 0.99
00:35:40.000 But this zinism, this zinification of history is just about how evil we are.
00:35:46.000 And then you actually talk to people who know about it, and you go, no, that's not the case at all.
00:35:51.000 Andrew Jackson said to the local Indians, we want you to assimilate.
00:35:54.000 And you have to understand, if you refuse, then it's, now you're a different people.
00:35:59.000 This area is America now.
00:36:01.000 If you don't assimilate at all, then you're a foreign country here, and now we're at war. 1.00
00:36:05.000 I'm not saying that's good or bad, but that was his logic.
00:36:08.000 Anyway, um... So these Northerners have a nice ceremony for the Confederate young man who died.
00:36:14.000 I mean, with 620,000 dead, they all must have been thinking, this fucking sucks. 1.00
00:36:19.000 And... 0.99
00:36:20.000 I think a lot of them were just the lack of good medicine.
00:36:22.000 We may have had similar death tolls in the Middle East by now, but we're so good at medicine that we give you a prosthetic leg, and we get you a new brain, and we stitch you up.
00:36:32.000 Then, you'd have a cannonball rolling along a field, it takes out one guy's leg, he gets that cut infected now, he's dead.
00:36:41.000 You bled to death, you had gangrene, you got infections, dysentery, starvation, hypothermia, there's a million ways they all died.
00:36:50.000 It's possible that the war in Iraq is worse than the Civil War, even though I think we've only lost about 10,000.
00:36:58.000 Maybe it's worse than Vietnam, that was 60,000, but I'm sure there wasn't great medicine, and I'm sure in the tropics there, the amount of infections are just nuts.
00:37:08.000 I remember when in Costa Rica, whenever we would stub our toe, it would guaranteed get infected, because there's just organisms living everywhere when you're that near the equator.
00:37:17.000 Any hizzle,
00:37:19.000 So they had a nice ceremony and everything, and now every Memorial Day, as the homos are dancing around in tutus listening to Madonna in the backyard drinking margaritas, these upstate New Yorkers, and they're totally cool with the fags, come by and they play taps on the trumpet, and they have a memorial ceremony for these two Confederates who died fighting us. 1.00
00:37:42.000 You know, the snarky attitude from the New Left, too, is like, fuck those guys. 1.00
00:37:46.000 They lost. 1.00
00:37:47.000 Let's take down the statue. 0.97
00:37:49.000 Yeah, I get it, but it was still a major war and those guys were conscripted and they weren't going, yeah, I want to keep slavery, you're all dead. 1.00
00:37:59.000 They were just guys in muddy trenches getting shot in the fucking head. 1.00
00:38:04.000 Um, I'm glad those racists died. 1.00
00:38:10.000 What, 2% of Americans owned slaves? 0.92
00:38:14.000 You really think that was all about slavery?
00:38:15.000 Do you really think that these poor working class southerners
00:38:20.000 Wanted the rich people to preserve their slaves for what?
00:38:24.000 You think someone's going to go to war so a guy in finance can retain his Maserati?
00:38:29.000 Doesn't make sense.
00:38:30.000 All right.
00:38:31.000 Ready to start the mail bag?
00:38:35.000 You should come up with a sound for this mail bag segment because it's becoming quite regular.
00:38:41.000 Maybe you could rub your bag against a microphone.
00:38:43.000 I'd rather not.
00:38:45.000 I've just learned about this today.
00:38:46.000 What's it called?
00:38:47.000 ASRA?
00:38:49.000 As we're?
00:38:50.000 As?
00:38:51.000 These YouTube videos where women will just... Oh, ASMR. 1.00
00:38:55.000 I don't know what the acronym stands for.
00:38:55.000 ASMR.
00:38:57.000 I don't care.
00:38:59.000 But these women will just whisper into the microphone. 1.00
00:39:04.000 Or tap their nails.
00:39:07.000 Or just with a makeup brush, stroke an expensive microphone so you hear the bristles.
00:39:13.000 And they'll have, I don't know, 30 million views. 0.99
00:39:16.000 What the fuck is going on with men? 0.99
00:39:18.000 What have we done to men? 1.00
00:39:19.000 What has pornography and feminism done to the male psyche? 0.98
00:39:23.000 That you want to listen to a woman whisper into a hairy microphone? 1.00
00:39:30.000 Alright.
00:39:32.000 Dearest Gavin, my name is Alec.
00:39:34.000 I'm from Wichita, Kansas.
00:39:35.000 I remember watching a video of yours giving advice on how to meet new guy friends.
00:39:39.000 Wait a minute, did we already talk about this?
00:39:41.000 Yeah, we did.
00:39:42.000 This is the guy at Home Depot.
00:39:44.000 Alright, so we're starting with a new one now.
00:39:47.000 Uh, wait a minute.
00:39:48.000 That's Ancient Chinese Secret. 1.00
00:39:51.000 Ancient Chinese Secret.
00:39:54.000 Ancient Chinese Secret.
00:39:59.000 Okay, why don't you read one while I try to make sure I'm caught up here.
00:40:02.000 Okay. 0.93
00:40:03.000 Because I seem to be way the fuck behind. 0.97
00:40:06.000 Well, that one's a bit long. 0.97
00:40:07.000 Let's try some more.
00:40:10.000 Okay, fine.
00:40:11.000 I'll just start the newest one.
00:40:12.000 I'll work it out later.
00:40:14.000 Gavin, not sure which podcast I was listening to, but you mentioned that you and Tucker had some discussion regarding contraceptives.
00:40:21.000 Yes, this is before Tucker and I made love.
00:40:24.000 He said, should we wear a condom?
00:40:26.000 And I go, you can't get me pregnant.
00:40:27.000 I'm a dude.
00:40:27.000 And he goes, no, I'm worried about you having herpes.
00:40:30.000 And I said, okay, so it's not for contraception. 0.99
00:40:32.000 And he goes, no, dummy. 0.98
00:40:33.000 And he slapped me. 0.97
00:40:34.000 And then I giggled.
00:40:36.000 He said, uh, you need to check out this disc from Lighthouse Media, it'll be worth your time to listen.
00:40:41.000 Among other things the narrator discusses, how in studies of chimpanzees, they took all the females of the group and put them on contraceptives, and in short order the males began to exhibit homosexual behavior.
00:40:55.000 Tons of interesting stuff there.
00:40:57.000 And then he sends me to a link.
00:41:00.000 Yeah, I think there is something weird going on folks.
00:41:06.000 We are not just changing how many babies are born, we're altering an entire generation's testosterone and estrogen.
00:41:15.000 It's unnatural what we're doing.
00:41:17.000 We're really getting away from nature here and that's not God's plan.
00:41:20.000 Capitalism, the free market, 0.98
00:41:23.000 All of it's designed with these checks and balances, and to deny a woman her normal cycles is to fuck up her mind. 0.99
00:41:32.000 I even noticed, I was reading the other day about the traffic in New York, and apparently there's some dumb law from the 20s.
00:41:40.000 It's 100 years old, and it says that if there's ever an emergency, we have to make sure we only use American boats, American-made boats.
00:41:50.000 So, say, you know, we're using a bunch of Japanese boats, and then we declare war on Japan, all of a sudden these Japanese boats just turn and start, I don't know, crushing all our ports or something? 0.99
00:42:02.000 So we can only, we can't leave ourselves vulnerable like that.
00:42:04.000 Stupid idea, we use foreign boats all the time, but what it's done is it's made shipping by boat incredibly expensive, because you can only use American boats. 0.96
00:42:13.000 And so people just go, well, I'll just use an 18 miller then. 1.00
00:42:16.000 And that's why our roads suck.
00:42:17.000 That's why it's so congested in the city because there's all these trucks there that could have been sent by boat.
00:42:22.000 Once again, the government getting involved in capitalism.
00:42:25.000 We're not supposed to meddle with this stuff.
00:42:30.000 I'll send you this one so you can play it on the show, Ryan.
00:42:34.000 Apparently there's a really cool Australian movie.
00:42:37.000 We have a lot of Australian listeners.
00:42:38.000 So this is a clip from a great... Wait, hold on, let me try to get my Australian accent.
00:42:46.000 Hi, this is a clip from a great Aussie film called Waking Fright.
00:42:50.000 It sums up Australian drinking culture perfectly. 0.75
00:42:53.000 Worth a watch if you're coming out here.
00:42:55.000 It came out in 1971 and has since gained a cult following similar to Withnow and I. Would you believe they did a television remake last year?
00:43:02.000 I can hear Australian ears bleeding as I do this.
00:43:05.000 Would you believe they did a television remake last year where they introduced a badass female bounty hunter character that had nothing to do with the original book?
00:43:13.000 It completely ruined the premise of the novel and was a great example that writers now care more about being current year than telling the actual story.
00:43:24.000 Uh, that's interesting.
00:43:26.000 Did you get it?
00:43:27.000 My email?
00:43:30.000 Not yet, let me see here.
00:43:33.000 I've not gotten it yet.
00:43:35.000 Look, go for your whole inbox.
00:43:37.000 You just sent it, haven't you?
00:43:40.000 It's taking me a second, because it happens before.
00:43:42.000 I know, that's annoying, isn't it?
00:43:44.000 Because it's right here.
00:43:46.000 Your computer's there, mine's over here.
00:43:50.000 Journalismwatchdog.com.
00:43:53.000 I know you hate the term fan blah blah blah.
00:43:55.000 I'm glad you're fighting the SPLC.
00:43:56.000 By the way, SPLC, if you're listening, thank you for firing Morris Dees, the founder.
00:44:00.000 Thank you, President Richard Cohen, for quitting.
00:44:04.000 Thank you, What's-your-name Rhonda Brownstein, the head of legal, for also quitting. 0.98
00:44:09.000 I appreciate that, but that's not good enough.
00:44:12.000 These are token gestures, and they're not putting out the fire.
00:44:16.000 Nice try.
00:44:18.000 I started a website called Journalism Watchdog where we we document fake news.
00:44:23.000 Thanks.
00:44:23.000 That's awesome, dude.
00:44:25.000 Although I've seen shit like this quite a bit and people tend to lose interest. 0.98
00:44:28.000 That's another thing with Millennials. 1.00
00:44:30.000 They'll have a big plan and they always talk a lot about their plan.
00:44:34.000 And say, yeah, it's going to be like a restaurant, but also a hangout club and a speakeasy.
00:44:39.000 And we're also going to have fucking social media and we're going to have our new, our own Facebook thing.
00:44:44.000 And we're going to have a plane that's going to go to different parties around the world. 0.97
00:44:48.000 And you go, wow, sounds wonderful.
00:44:50.000 Uh, and then you talk to the guy two years later and the website is like coming soon.
00:44:55.000 And you go, yeah, dude, don't talk about the thing that millennials are so into their idea. 0.99
00:45:00.000 I have this idea for a game show, I can't tell you. 1.00
00:45:02.000 And you go, dude, I don't give a shit about your fucking dumb idea for a game show. 0.99
00:45:07.000 All of these things are 98% sweat anyway. 1.00
00:45:10.000 You think the game shows you see on TV are about the quality of the game show?
00:45:15.000 No.
00:45:15.000 It's, we have a slot here, we'll do a game show, we'll get a host, let's pound it out.
00:45:21.000 Your idea sucks. 1.00
00:45:23.000 Your idea's useless. 1.00
00:45:25.000 You think Seinfeld was a good idea? 0.95
00:45:28.000 All right, let's play that Australian movie.
00:45:29.000 What's it called? 0.97
00:45:29.000 It's called Ya Mad Ya Bastard. 0.97
00:45:33.000 No, that's a clip from it.
00:45:38.000 The movie's called Wake In Fright, and our Australian listeners are highly recommending it.
00:45:46.000 So we've got a car pulling into a little pub in the middle of nowhere in Australia.
00:45:51.000 It's a little hotel.
00:45:54.000 Your Australian accent's worse than mine. 1.00
00:45:55.000 No, I can do a good one.
00:45:58.000 Come on, have a drink, mate.
00:45:59.000 Thanks.
00:45:59.000 Come on, have a drink.
00:46:00.000 No, just a drink.
00:46:01.000 Only take a minute.
00:46:03.000 Come on, come on, have a drink.
00:46:04.000 Look, mate, I've given up drinking for a while. 1.00
00:46:07.000 What's wrong with you, you bastard? 1.00
00:46:08.000 Why don't you come and drink with me? 1.00
00:46:10.000 I just brought you 50 moles of meat and dust and you won't drink with me.
00:46:12.000 What's wrong with you?
00:46:13.000 What's the matter with you people, huh? 1.00
00:46:16.000 You sponge on you, you burn your house down, murder your wife, rape your child, that's all right. 1.00
00:46:21.000 Not have a drink with you, not have a flaming bloody drink with you, that's a criminal offence, that's the end of the bloody world. 1.00
00:46:29.000 You mad, you bastard? 1.00
00:46:31.000 Did you catch any of that? 1.00
00:46:34.000 Yeah. 0.96
00:46:34.000 Someone doesn't want to have a drink with you, it's the end of the bloody world! 0.96
00:46:37.000 That reminds me of that guy that was getting arrested.
00:46:39.000 Remember him?
00:46:40.000 And he was like, oh, what a world.
00:46:42.000 He's like, I see your judo is strong.
00:46:45.000 Remember that guy that got arrested?
00:46:46.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98
00:46:49.000 Dear Dr. McKinistine and Igor Katsu Rivera, I have an anal tip. 0.99
00:46:54.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
00:46:57.000 Opinions are like assholes. 1.00
00:46:58.000 Everyone has one. 1.00
00:46:59.000 And everyone has an opinion about their asshole. 1.00
00:47:02.000 The amount of anal emails we got is unbelievable. 0.99
00:47:07.000 Two things I regret saying on the show. 0.88
00:47:09.000 One is that I just flew back from blank and boy are my arms tires.
00:47:13.000 I still get a million of those.
00:47:14.000 I get them texted to me.
00:47:15.000 I don't know how they got my number.
00:47:17.000 You know what we haven't got, and just to make sure that nobody does this, because I already got the idea?
00:47:21.000 A mash-up. 0.99
00:47:22.000 Where it's, uh, I just flew in from my anal leakage is bad, and boy, oh my, put toilet paper in your ass and then walk around for five minutes and then throw it in the garbage and then you should be fine. 1.00
00:47:32.000 Shut up. 1.00
00:47:33.000 It's a mash-up. 1.00
00:47:35.000 I have an anal tip, but alas, blah blah blah.
00:47:38.000 The recommendation for the rector relief of your listeners, I'm a fourth year molecular biology student at the University of Cincinnati, and I used to think to myself while walking to class, what would be the best way to increase diversity and inclusivity on our college campus? 0.91
00:47:49.000 After two years of fruitless rumination, I discovered what I believe to be an alleviating solution.
00:47:56.000 In my second year here, can you just get to the chase?
00:47:59.000 After meeting with my advisor, I had an urgent and unforeseen need to relieve myself, so I hurried to the nearest defecation station.
00:48:05.000 By a stroke of luck and necessity, I happened upon the most pristine and peaceful restroom on campus.
00:48:11.000 I quickly surmised the reason why this commode afforded such solitude.
00:48:15.000 It was located in the Women's, Gender, and Sexuality building.
00:48:19.000 Needless to say, after morning class and coffee, this restroom has been a pleasurable pit stop during my time here.
00:48:26.000 Thank you for the tip, Ian. 0.99
00:48:28.000 Shit in the gender-free zone. 1.00
00:48:30.000 I always shit on gender-free stuff, so I might as well make it real. 1.00
00:48:36.000 Amber Watwood, dear Gavin. 0.99
00:48:39.000 I get it now. 0.98
00:48:40.000 I understand how good a fucking beer is after working for hours in the hot sun. 0.98
00:48:44.000 My husband and I have been doing some exterior home improvements of late, and I assigned the landscaping duties to myself. 0.99
00:48:51.000 I toiled in the Alabama sun all day today and had myself a thirst at day's end.
00:48:57.000 I keep Bud Light in the fridge for the hubs, and today I decided to help myself to a cold one.
00:49:02.000 Dear God, how glorious it was.
00:49:05.000 I sat on my porch steps, covered head to toe in dirt, admiring my day's work.
00:49:09.000 I sipped my beer as the sun was setting, and dear God, I felt like I was in church!
00:49:15.000 I love your show so much and look forward to what you have going on.
00:49:17.000 I like you more than a friend.
00:49:18.000 Amber from Alabama.
00:49:20.000 Um, that's great, and I'm glad you appreciate that, and it's true.
00:49:23.000 Having a beer at noon feels weird and gross. 0.98
00:49:25.000 Having a beer after you build a fence is like drinking Brad Pitt's cum. 0.99
00:49:30.000 But! 0.99
00:49:32.000 Just to be a real sexist stick in the mud, I just find it a little annoying that I'm getting this email from a woman. 0.99
00:49:38.000 Now, Amber, I love you very much and I hope both our spouses die so we can make sweet love together. 0.93
00:49:44.000 But, and it's great that you figured out that bud is delicious after a hard day's work, but doesn't it bother you that these emails are coming from women? 0.94
00:49:52.000 A little bit. 1.00
00:49:54.000 It's like women are the only ones who are appreciating busting their ass and having a beer. 1.00
00:49:58.000 It's sort of like that story where I almost got in a fight with these guys at the hotel, at the airport, sorry. 0.99
00:50:04.000 I've told this story nine million times so I'll abbreviate it.
00:50:09.000 As you know, my recipe to always get first class seats on a plane is to have five maker's marks so your coach seats feel first class.
00:50:19.000 And you fall asleep instantly when you get on and you wake up and you're basically there.
00:50:24.000 Even if you're going to LA.
00:50:26.000 Because you get a late flight. 0.99
00:50:28.000 But I can't pile these makers into my body, because some fuckface in front of us is having a strawberry margarita. 1.00
00:50:36.000 No, a raspberry margarita, sorry. 0.99
00:50:39.000 Now, I know you've heard this story before, but it's the greatest hit.
00:50:41.000 You're listening to the Stones do Satisfaction.
00:50:44.000 So, me and my buddy Sebastian keep going, hey, can we just get a, can we just get a, hey, hey, can we just get a Maker's Mark? 0.99
00:50:49.000 And he's got the fucking... The blender blending up the frozen raspberries, and then he's got the thing with the tequila and whatever else they put in it.
00:51:00.000 A bunch of bullshit. 0.99
00:51:03.000 Some, what do you call that stuff that they put in drinks? 1.00
00:51:06.000 What?
00:51:07.000 Garnish?
00:51:08.000 No, no, there's that one thing that's always in drinks, that's in weird drinks.
00:51:14.000 Are you not a bartender?
00:51:15.000 You've never bartended?
00:51:16.000 That's kind of vague though.
00:51:17.000 Liqueur?
00:51:18.000 No.
00:51:19.000 Bitters?
00:51:20.000 You're getting there.
00:51:21.000 Simple sugars.
00:51:22.000 Simple syrup.
00:51:23.000 No, it's a thing.
00:51:24.000 It's like, and a shot of strychnine, but it's not that.
00:51:28.000 That's poison. 0.98
00:51:28.000 Oh, triple sec. 0.98
00:51:29.000 Maybe it's triple sec?
00:51:30.000 Yeah, maybe it's triple sec.
00:51:32.000 Any hizzle.
00:51:34.000 So we can see our flights boarding and I'm not going to get a buzz which makes the trip three times as long and I see those guys and they had to make two of them and a water by the way. 0.98
00:51:47.000 Fucking water. 0.98
00:51:48.000 And these things are huge. 0.99
00:51:50.000 They're the size of a forearm. 0.68
00:51:52.000 And so I see these two raspberry margaritas sit down with two guys who aren't even gay. 0.92
00:51:56.000 Which made it so much worse. 0.97
00:51:58.000 If it was screaming homos in little tank tops, I'd go, oh well, that was unfortunate for me. 1.00
00:52:03.000 I got here right when the gays were ordering. 1.00
00:52:05.000 But men? 0.93
00:52:06.000 And then, no offense Amber, I look next to them and I see this woman having a Stella.
00:52:12.000 Just a Stella, just a beer.
00:52:14.000 No raspberries in it.
00:52:17.000 And I want to confront them, but I don't want to be kicked out of the airport and miss my flight.
00:52:21.000 So I had a tartan coat on at the time. 0.99
00:52:23.000 And the beauty of that is, I highly recommend this, you can pretend to be a dumb tourist. 0.97
00:52:29.000 Like I do this with cab drivers when they're chatting on their phone. 0.99
00:52:31.000 I'll say, pardon me?
00:52:32.000 Oh, no, sorry.
00:52:34.000 I'm speaking to my friend.
00:52:36.000 Oh, okay.
00:52:36.000 I just got confused.
00:52:40.000 I'm sorry, what?
00:52:41.000 No, again, sir, I am speaking to my friend on the phone.
00:52:44.000 Usually it's a Pakistani. 0.97
00:52:46.000 They're all from Lahore here in New York, and Pakistan's Muslim, obviously.
00:52:50.000 And so I like to say, Oh, I'm sorry, confused.
00:52:53.000 Just where I'm from.
00:52:54.000 I'm from Canada.
00:52:55.000 And usually it's it's homosexuals and, and young girls who talk on the phone that much. 0.99
00:53:01.000 And he goes, What did you say? 0.97
00:53:02.000 Are you a homosexual? 0.92
00:53:04.000 No, I'm and then they get really pissed off, obviously. 0.98
00:53:07.000 You? 1.00
00:53:08.000 Fuck you? 1.00
00:53:09.000 You're a donkey. 1.00
00:53:10.000 Your uncle is a donkey. 1.00
00:53:11.000 How about fuck you? 1.00
00:53:13.000 How about your whole family's a goat? 1.00
00:53:15.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:53:17.000 And your mother is an aunt. 1.00
00:53:19.000 Look, I'm not saying it's a good insult, but for some reason, when you're arguing with someone in a shithole country, you call their immediate family members various animals, and they lose their shit. 1.00
00:53:31.000 Saying fuck you is nothing to them. 1.00
00:53:33.000 But your father's a goat? 1.00
00:53:35.000 Oh my god.
00:53:39.000 We got a breaking up with a guy story but that's... Hold on, hold on.
00:53:45.000 So I pretend to be Scottish because I have my tartan coat on and I go, excuse me, excuse me, can I ask you something?
00:53:50.000 Yeah, certainly.
00:53:51.000 Now what's going on there?
00:53:53.000 What you got there, a big smoothie?
00:53:56.000 Oh, they're raspberry margaritas.
00:53:59.000 And I go, oh, and that's normal.
00:54:02.000 I mean, that seems very elaborate.
00:54:04.000 And you got yourself a water too.
00:54:06.000 And they go, yeah, I know, eh?
00:54:08.000 Not normal!
00:54:10.000 And I go, it just seems unusual that a man would have a raspberry margarita, and then you've got a woman here having a stella alone.
00:54:17.000 And they go, yeah, well, we're unusual guys.
00:54:20.000 It's kind of a tradition, actually.
00:54:21.000 We sort of, every time we come here, we always have our raspberry margaritas.
00:54:26.000 And they were being too friendly, so they weren't getting my passive-aggressive thing. 0.98
00:54:29.000 And then I just said, to get a fucking spree time too! 0.99
00:54:34.000 You get a fucking spray tan too, and then stormed off. 0.99
00:54:38.000 Not sure how effective it was in retrospect, but at least I felt good that I had not let those raspberry margaritas fly. 0.99
00:54:45.000 Anyway, thank you Amber, but um...
00:54:49.000 It hurts that all these women are discovering how good it is to have a bud after a hard day's work. 0.99
00:54:58.000 Sam Elliott is now Samantha Elliott.
00:55:01.000 I just did lawn work all day, and I sat down, put my boots up, and I had me a bud light. 1.00
00:55:08.000 Then I sucked my husband's dick. 1.00
00:55:10.000 Like a man. 1.00
00:55:12.000 What's your breakup story?
00:55:15.000 It's pretty long, but pretty much
00:55:19.000 Skip to he thought this guy was cool yada yada yada, but he got some red flags.
00:55:24.000 He was at a house party and The guy was blackout drunk, and he told his girlfriend to take over playing and I know this story that I read that letter It's a good letter.
00:55:35.000 It is it's very very well written.
00:55:37.000 He he Where was he working again?
00:55:41.000 He was playing soccer, that was it.
00:55:42.000 He was a soccer guy abroad.
00:55:44.000 Yeah.
00:55:45.000 So he's in a new city and, uh, where was he again?
00:55:47.000 Uh, Canada went to US for soccer.
00:55:51.000 I don't know.
00:55:52.000 Let me see.
00:55:52.000 So, yeah, not sure.
00:55:54.000 He's hanging out with these guys and he's with the talkie guy who's kind of older than him and he hangs out with him a little bit and then he realized this guy's a dud and then he starts hanging, meeting new guys who are super fun to hang out with.
00:56:02.000 This is my favorite topic, I think.
00:56:05.000 Definitely as of late, my new favorite topic is dumping men and, uh, 0.97
00:56:10.000 Courting men is funny too, and then dumping men, or being dumped by a man is also fucking funny. 0.98
00:56:18.000 Unless it's because of Trump or something, that's just sad. 0.73
00:56:20.000 But I mean like the moving to a new city, because the first two, it takes a year to find your sort of scene when you move to a new city, and then you got to sort of make new friends, then you got to, you realize the ones you made at the beginning you don't like as much as these new ones. 0.87
00:56:32.000 Anyway, he did that, and he thinks the guy might have been a closeted homosexual.
00:56:37.000 Lots of gay stuff in this episode. 0.82
00:56:39.000 He, uh, showered with his shorts on. 0.97
00:56:41.000 Oh yeah, he showered with his shorts on! 1.00
00:56:43.000 To which he says, no one's staring at your dick, fag. 1.00
00:56:46.000 He said, this was the last straw and the breakup was inevitable. 1.00
00:56:50.000 I find it kind of insulting, too.
00:56:52.000 You know when those guys who go piss in the stalls?
00:56:55.000 Yeah.
00:56:56.000 What are you saying? 1.00
00:56:56.000 I was gonna look at your dick? 1.00
00:56:58.000 Oh, I see. 1.00
00:56:59.000 And here's another thing. 1.00
00:57:00.000 Unless he's gonna wipe his asshole or something. 1.00
00:57:02.000 Yeah, that's never the case, though. 1.00
00:57:05.000 Or not often the case. 1.00
00:57:08.000 So what if a fag looks at your dick? 1.00
00:57:11.000 Fat people look at me when I eat a cheeseburger. 1.00
00:57:13.000 I'm not scared they're gonna grab it.
00:57:14.000 Right. 0.99
00:57:15.000 And stick it in their mouth. 0.96
00:57:16.000 Yeah, what are they gonna do? 1.00
00:57:16.000 Let a homo glance at your knob. 1.00
00:57:18.000 Who cares? 0.98
00:57:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:57:20.000 That's the worst case- No, fucked up, man. 1.00
00:57:22.000 I'm not gonna- Shut up, you pussy. 1.00
00:57:25.000 God, if I see any of my boys pissing stalls, they're in big trouble. 1.00
00:57:31.000 But anyway, so- I try to get people to look at mine. 0.99
00:57:33.000 I've taught my dick how to cough, like, as if to ask for attention. 0.99
00:57:36.000 My dick just goes, ahem. 1.00
00:57:41.000 I taught my dick to sing the National Anthem. 1.00
00:57:43.000 It's not good though, it's like... It's pretty beautiful. 0.99
00:57:54.000 It's sort of like, um...
00:57:56.000 Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
00:57:57.000 Yeah.
00:57:58.000 Right towards the end when he was becoming a full-on fly.
00:58:00.000 Right. 1.00
00:58:01.000 That's kind of what my dick is like when it tries to speak English. 1.00
00:58:04.000 It's ear falls off and he says, oh that's gross, I'm sorry. 1.00
00:58:09.000 My dick's ears. 0.99
00:58:11.000 That would be a funny prank. 1.00
00:58:13.000 You glue really realistic looking tiny prosthetic ears on your dick and you take a girl home and you go, before we go any farther, there's something you should know. 0.99
00:58:24.000 She's like, what? 1.00
00:58:24.000 What's the matter? 1.00
00:58:25.000 Do you have STDs?
00:58:26.000 No. 1.00
00:58:28.000 This is going to sound crazy, but my dick has ears. 1.00
00:58:33.000 What? 1.00
00:58:33.000 You're kidding. 1.00
00:58:34.000 And then you pull out your dick and it has little ears on either side. 1.00
00:58:38.000 And just like crudely scotch taped onto it. 1.00
00:58:41.000 No, that ruins the joke, dude.
00:58:42.000 It has to look believable.
00:58:43.000 It's really great.
00:58:46.000 Your goal, your goal with the prank is for her to ask, can they hear?
00:58:52.000 Yeah, that is funny.
00:58:53.000 That is good.
00:58:54.000 Yeah, but his left ear's going.
00:58:56.000 It's probably gonna, you know though, unless you had some serious crazy glue, that you'd have to do that at the beginning of the night, right?
00:59:02.000 And over the course of the night, you're gonna be pissing and one of them's gonna fall off.
00:59:06.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:59:06.000 And then you're just going to say, you know what, fuck this joke, it didn't work out. 0.99
00:59:09.000 And then she's going to touch your dick and she's going to feel remnants of Krazy Glue. 1.00
00:59:14.000 And she's going to go, ew, this guy has venereal wart scabs. 1.00
00:59:17.000 Or she's going to, or you're going to give her Krazy Glue vagina, which will, it's not good. 1.00
00:59:22.000 That's going in her. 1.00
00:59:23.000 No, that stuff dries. 0.98
00:59:24.000 It might scratch your labia though. 0.97
00:59:26.000 Ah.
00:59:26.000 But, and then you're gonna say, no, no, no, that's not, those are not venereal wart scabs.
00:59:31.000 You see, I had planned to do a joke where I had ears glued to my penis, and I was gonna try to convince you that my penis could hear. 0.98
00:59:39.000 But then, over the course of the night, I thought, forget it, and I took the ears off. 0.99
00:59:42.000 Actually, you know, you could prove you were right, because you probably still have the ears.
00:59:45.000 That's what I was thinking.
00:59:46.000 They probably cost you like 40 bucks.
00:59:48.000 She's looking at you revolted, and then you're like, oh no, you probably don't believe me.
00:59:51.000 Here, they're right in my pocket.
00:59:53.000 I think I heard about this dude.
00:59:54.000 Maybe it's in this pocket and you can't find him now?
00:59:56.000 I knew about this dude, I think it was a friend of my brother's, who thought it'd be funny to surprise his girlfriend dressed in drag.
01:00:05.000 So he thought he'd have like full fishnets on and go hello, honey.
01:00:09.000 I'm glad you're home But she decided to come home an hour early that day So she comes into the house He doesn't hear her come through the front door and as she walks in he only has the fishnets on and is applying the lipstick and he goes no no no no
01:00:27.000 Wait, this was a joke!
01:00:29.000 I was getting set up for a whole thing I was doing!
01:00:32.000 And she goes, it's okay, oh my god.
01:00:34.000 Oh no.
01:00:35.000 And they broke up.
01:00:36.000 Really?
01:00:36.000 And he couldn't convince her that he was... I gotta get more details on that story.
01:00:40.000 That's a deathly.
01:00:41.000 If you're ever gonna do something that's like a prank that might go wrong, record yourself and the clock beforehand and be like, this is what I'm planning to do.
01:00:49.000 If this does not work, this was a joke.
01:00:51.000 Great idea.
01:00:52.000 Yeah, with today's paper.
01:00:54.000 And you could also take a classified ad in the New York Post that's very cryptic and just says, planning drag prank Friday. 0.70
01:01:02.000 This is Daryl.
01:01:04.000 Call your friend, call Paul Bazile and be like, dude, I'm planning on doing this thing.
01:01:07.000 It's going to be funny, right?
01:01:08.000 Yeah, that sounds hilarious.
01:01:09.000 And then you go like, dude, watch this.
01:01:11.000 I'm not telling him that you're next to me.
01:01:12.000 You call him up.
01:01:13.000 Why did you jump to Paul Bazeal?
01:01:15.000 Is he your best friend? 0.98
01:01:16.000 No, he's just, uh, he's there for me if I want to just run some stupid- Like, I- I called him to say this the other day. 0.96
01:01:22.000 I thought of the worst joke ever, and I was gonna tell you. 0.97
01:01:24.000 And thank God for him, because now you won't have to hear it.
01:01:27.000 Unless you want to.
01:01:28.000 He says as he's about to say it.
01:01:29.000 Nah, I'm not gonna tell you.
01:01:30.000 It's so, it's so, it's a waste of your time.
01:01:33.000 No, you gotta do it now.
01:01:34.000 What are you, are you kidding me?
01:01:35.000 Okay, here it is.
01:01:36.000 Alright, so my Korean boss at the restaurant pronounces his, uh, F's as P's.
01:01:42.000 So he says Pwn Call and things like that.
01:01:45.000 So when he's talking about the Italian Mafia, he says the Mop-ia. 1.00
01:01:49.000 And I was like, you know, he's not wrong because when they're done with you, they Mop-ia up. 1.00
01:01:53.000 And, woah.
01:02:00.000 That's like seeing a friend from high school at a high school reunion and he's had a serious burn.
01:02:06.000 And you go, whoa, Andy!
01:02:09.000 And he's like, yeah.
01:02:11.000 And he has those weird little stubs that burn victims have where they have two fingers and one sort of thumb.
01:02:17.000 And he's like, yeah.
01:02:17.000 I mean, I don't know why I come to these things because I obviously have to explain to everyone what happened.
01:02:23.000 I was wearing a polyester shirt, a turtleneck, and I caught fire and I tried to take it off, but it stuck on my face.
01:02:33.000 Is that happening or something?
01:02:34.000 It's so thorough.
01:02:34.000 Uh, I know a tattoo artist.
01:02:36.000 His name's like Mud or something.
01:02:39.000 And that happened to him.
01:02:40.000 Wow.
01:02:42.000 I got a short one if you're... Well, it's my turn.
01:02:45.000 Oh.
01:02:46.000 This is from someone who calls himself Dave.
01:02:48.000 I get paid to do nothing at work.
01:02:50.000 It might sound like a blessing, but it's a curse.
01:02:53.000 In a whole eight hour day, the actual tasks I have to complete take approximately 20 minutes.
01:02:58.000 The rest of the time it's just looking busy.
01:03:00.000 The funny thing is I make decent money, but it's driving me insane.
01:03:03.000 It makes me lethargic, which is what, what's her name?
01:03:07.000 Sophie Glass said Gary Coleman was when he fell down the stairs.
01:03:10.000 Remember that?
01:03:12.000 Can you go help him?
01:03:13.000 No, he's lethargic. 1.00
01:03:15.000 He's dying, because you killed him, you fucking bitch. 1.00
01:03:17.000 The rest of the time he's just looking busy, blah blah blah. 1.00
01:03:21.000 But it's driving me insane.
01:03:22.000 Oh yeah, he already said that.
01:03:24.000 You're an entrepreneurial kind of fellow.
01:03:25.000 What can I do to improve my situation?
01:03:27.000 Everyone else at work is an unmotivated slob, and I'm worried I'm going to be dragged down the sludge with them. 1.00
01:03:32.000 Please don't let Ryan chime in. 0.94
01:03:34.000 Regards, David.
01:03:37.000 Ryan, what do you think?
01:03:42.000 Wow.
01:03:43.000 Way to go, Dave.
01:03:44.000 You just lost some Porter-Asian advice.
01:03:47.000 Ain't nobody got time for that! 0.99
01:03:50.000 I would say, if I was me, I'd write a book.
01:03:53.000 I'm working on a book right now, but I enjoy writing and I see it as a labor of love where it's like building an old timey boat.
01:04:00.000 Like on a Sunday, it's fun to just sort of chip away at the problem and make sure you don't forget any details.
01:04:05.000 So that's what I enjoy.
01:04:07.000 So I would do that.
01:04:08.000 I might even do a graphic novel. 1.00
01:04:11.000 But I don't know if that's what you like, but it would be awesome to get paid to fuck the dog. 1.00
01:04:15.000 You just sit there. 1.00
01:04:16.000 You want to get in good shape.
01:04:18.000 So you should go to the gym.
01:04:19.000 Make the gym like a two hour part of your day.
01:04:22.000 It's two hours of my day.
01:04:25.000 And then do that. 0.99
01:04:26.000 But this goes back to what we were saying about the government getting involved in that ship, shipping bullshit. 0.97
01:04:32.000 It's not natural. 0.84
01:04:33.000 When we, when Vice first moved to New York, we had this eccentric billionaire investor and we were making 80 grand a year, which back then was, we were making previously like 30.
01:04:43.000 So it was insane, the money boost.
01:04:46.000 Money was just everywhere.
01:04:47.000 And he didn't hesitate to buy.
01:04:49.000 This is back when digital cameras just came out.
01:04:52.000 No one really had one.
01:04:53.000 I'm talking 99.
01:04:55.000 And, uh, we said, it would be cool to get a digital camera and not have to constantly be printing all our pictures.
01:05:01.000 And he goes, no problem.
01:05:01.000 He buys one.
01:05:02.000 It's 1500 bucks.
01:05:04.000 And that was nothing.
01:05:06.000 He built a studio where we can do 360 degree pictures so we can sell stuff online.
01:05:11.000 That was like 400 grand total.
01:05:13.000 We never sold one thing online.
01:05:15.000 That never went anywhere because he obviously lost all his money.
01:05:18.000 But I didn't enjoy it.
01:05:20.000 It wasn't fun hemorrhaging cash.
01:05:22.000 And then we went broke.
01:05:23.000 Actually worse than broke.
01:05:24.000 We went about a million dollars into debt and we had to rebuild the company from scratch.
01:05:28.000 I preferred that to be quite frank.
01:05:30.000 What are you doing?
01:05:37.000 Looking up the New York City song because somebody referenced that in their mailbag.
01:05:43.000 I know Daniel didn't mean any harm by this.
01:05:45.000 It was just surprising as he's describing how great My City is.
01:05:48.000 Started at 1.30 on his song New York City.
01:05:52.000 So we're familiar with his song.
01:05:54.000 Just to keep everyone up to date, our new favorite recording artist is named Daniel Wakeford.
01:05:58.000 He does solo stuff.
01:05:59.000 He also does stuff with the Daniel Wakeford Experience.
01:06:01.000 He's a severely autistic gentleman from, I believe, Essex in England. 0.99
01:06:07.000 And his songs fucking rock. 1.00
01:06:08.000 A lot of them suck, but 1.00
01:06:10.000 There's a good five slam dunks. 0.99
01:06:13.000 Let's just say there's an extra member of his orchestra if his orchestra is chromosomes. 0.94
01:06:20.000 No, he does not have Down syndrome.
01:06:24.000 Oh.
01:06:24.000 Statue of Liberty was over there.
01:06:28.000 It's so beautiful, the big statue.
01:06:31.000 But Twin Towers was totally gone.
01:06:35.000 But this is about a long time ago. 1.00
01:06:40.000 What the fuck? 0.99
01:06:41.000 Twin Towers was totally gone. 1.00
01:06:43.000 What the fuck? 0.99
01:06:44.000 Can I hear that again? 1.00
01:06:45.000 Yeah.
01:06:45.000 That's awesome.
01:06:46.000 I didn't know.
01:06:47.000 What a take.
01:06:59.000 That's right in the middle of everything's wonderful and awesome.
01:07:02.000 By the way, I think he's married now.
01:07:03.000 I think he proposed to this girl and he was talking about how she fancies him. 1.00
01:07:08.000 He said he was, uh, he makes music and she thought, fuck it. 1.00
01:07:10.000 I'm in. 1.00
01:07:11.000 I like this guy.
01:07:12.000 She's special too.
01:07:14.000 And she goes, I fancy you, Daniel.
01:07:16.000 I really, really fancy you.
01:07:18.000 And guess what he said to that?
01:07:20.000 Uh, what?
01:07:21.000 Guess what his response was.
01:07:22.000 He said, I always loved having a fancy you, either, as well.
01:07:27.000 Oh, you wrote it down?
01:07:29.000 Yeah, I wrote it down.
01:07:31.000 I texted it to my wife.
01:07:33.000 Yeah.
01:07:33.000 And she just texts back, you love that chap.
01:07:35.000 That poor fuck. 1.00
01:07:36.000 My wife often, when I say things to her, her response sounds like we're on an awkward first date. 1.00
01:07:42.000 She's like, oh really?
01:07:43.000 Even though I've known her since 2001.
01:07:46.000 Like, I send her that and she goes, you love that chap.
01:07:50.000 Huh.
01:07:50.000 That sounds like your child telling their mother about something and she's like, oh, you must be proud of that.
01:07:55.000 That's cool.
01:07:57.000 Look, I'm looking at her text now.
01:07:58.000 She doesn't send me any fun stuff.
01:07:59.000 I'm sending her funny pictures and stuff.
01:08:02.000 And she's like, nuggets in toaster oven. 1.00
01:08:04.000 Help.
01:08:04.000 Answer.
01:08:05.000 Are you home?
01:08:05.000 I'm freaking out.
01:08:06.000 It will burn.
01:08:08.000 That's not a fun text to send.
01:08:10.000 I got this clip though.
01:08:13.000 Oh, you have them?
01:08:13.000 Okay.
01:08:14.000 There it is.
01:08:16.000 Oh, yes.
01:08:16.000 I fancy you very, very much.
01:08:21.000 I always loved having to fancy you either as well.
01:08:27.000 So many unnecessary words.
01:08:29.000 I just whip my head back and smash it on that shelf.
01:08:32.000 Ah.
01:08:33.000 Thanks a lot, Daniel.
01:08:34.000 Yeah.
01:08:35.000 All right.
01:08:35.000 How are we doing for time here?
01:08:38.000 Um, we're at an hour nine.
01:08:39.000 Okay.
01:08:42.000 This is a really weird dude who calls himself Roy Barzilay and he goes, here there's a new book I want you to check out, No Testosterone, No Sex, No Children and No Future for Civilization. 0.99
01:08:54.000 The thing about these loonies is they often have a lot of crazy shit and then within the crazy shit you'll go that's fascinating and true. 0.99
01:09:02.000 He wrote a book called The Testosterone Hypothesis. 1.00
01:09:06.000 How hormones regulate the life cycles of civilization.
01:09:10.000 Sounds kooky, but I don't think it is.
01:09:14.000 The author synthesizes the latest research in evolutionary biology, blah, blah, blah, and shows the most significant factor affecting these testosterone levels is, in fact, the sun.
01:09:23.000 Oh, this is where it gets weird.
01:09:25.000 Eras of declined testosterone levels affect everything from birth rates, blah, blah, blah. 1.00
01:09:29.000 Global warming and cooling trends align with all kinds of... Yeah, fuck this shit. 1.00
01:09:38.000 No, it's, it's, it's contraception. 1.00
01:09:41.000 It's birth control. 0.98
01:09:43.000 That's what's fucking with testosterone and estrogen levels. 0.98
01:09:45.000 I do not believe it's the planets and how they're circling and changing global climate. 0.98
01:09:51.000 Sorry, Looney Tunes.
01:09:55.000 Um, alright, so, oh yeah, we didn't finish that soccer guy.
01:09:59.000 So, um, he started hanging out with his new gang.
01:10:04.000 And he's like, how am I gonna get rid of this old guy?
01:10:08.000 Old meaning, he was a little bit older then, but old meaning the first guy I hooked up with, the chatty guy that I met when I first moved here.
01:10:14.000 Now I got my crew, and I gotta cut this dude loose.
01:10:18.000 So he said, when I asked my better friends about him, all they told me was that he was the only guy to shower, oh yeah, with the shorts on. 0.98
01:10:24.000 And he goes, once I heard the shorts thing, I was like, this, we gotta fucking, I gotta break up with this guy. 0.91
01:10:29.000 So, I was at a house party. 0.92
01:10:31.000 As a kid, my friends and I would steal our parents' wine, get drunk, and play darts in the backyard shed.
01:10:36.000 What's the matter with Jungle Juice?
01:10:38.000 Who steals wine? 0.98
01:10:40.000 Wait a minute, you'd have to be rich for your parents not to notice a bottle of wine gone.
01:10:44.000 You'd have to have a wine cellar.
01:10:46.000 My parents would always have maybe one or two bottles of wine.
01:10:50.000 So if I take one, that's 50% of their wine gone.
01:10:53.000 We had to do jungle juice.
01:10:55.000 You have a jar and you take some gin, some vodka, some whiskey. 1.00
01:11:00.000 You know people can hear you suck that stupid pipe, right? 1.00
01:11:02.000 Not at all. 1.00
01:11:05.000 Um, did you do that?
01:11:07.000 The jungle juice?
01:11:08.000 Yeah, the jungle juice.
01:11:09.000 Did you do the jungle juice?
01:11:10.000 Uh, no, actually, uh, we would take sips of the schnapps.
01:11:14.000 We would just take sips of each.
01:11:15.000 Like, we'd run up, take a sip, and run back down.
01:11:18.000 So you'd party at your parents' house?
01:11:20.000 Oh no, this was at my friend Larry's house.
01:11:23.000 We'd go upstairs, hit the schnapps real quick, just take a sip, and then just, we'd do it from different bottles.
01:11:28.000 So we'd take, we'd jungle juice in our stomach, we'd mix it in our stomachs.
01:11:32.000 I see, that's more logical, that's less disgusting.
01:11:36.000 I knew these guys, the McCarthy's, and they were liver puddle-ians. 1.00
01:11:39.000 All my friends were British when I was a kid, because that's the way, long story, but that's the way Ottawa worked at the time.
01:11:45.000 And they would dilute it.
01:11:47.000 So they'd take some whiskey and then they'd put water in to get it back up.
01:11:49.000 Their dad sussed it out and actually had an alcohol meter where he would test the level of alcohol in his particular drinks to see if they'd been robbed.
01:12:01.000 He used to just have a sharpie line on the label where he could see if you took it.
01:12:05.000 They figured that out and then he figured out their figure out.
01:12:10.000 He hacked their hack.
01:12:12.000 Anyway, safe to say I got pretty good.
01:12:16.000 This is a weird sentence, too.
01:12:17.000 As a kid, my friends and I would steal our parents' wine, get drunk, and play darts in the backyard shed.
01:12:21.000 Safe to say I got pretty good.
01:12:23.000 Why is it safe to say?
01:12:25.000 Because you had supervision?
01:12:26.000 Why are you telling me that it's a given that you're good at darts?
01:12:29.000 So to speak.
01:12:31.000 You should have said, I was pretty good for whatever reason.
01:12:35.000 Anyway, the guy, this is the guy he wants to dump.
01:12:37.000 The guy was blackout drunk and told his girlfriend to take over for him in playing darts against me. 0.99
01:12:42.000 Kinda gay? 0.99
01:12:43.000 Yeah, that's super gay. 1.00
01:12:46.000 Hey sweetie, can you finish? 1.00
01:12:48.000 You're basically asking your girl to fuck a guy. 1.00
01:12:52.000 If you ask your girl to finish a game of darts with a dude? 1.00
01:12:56.000 That's not right.
01:12:57.000 Unless you are not threatened by him and you trust her.
01:13:00.000 Oh, so you've done this.
01:13:02.000 Is that what you're trying to say?
01:13:03.000 No, no.
01:13:04.000 You get defensive when people mention cuck stuff because you're one of them.
01:13:07.000 Wait, what? 0.99
01:13:09.000 You sound like a cuck. 0.98
01:13:11.000 No, if you trust her and then... No, you don't send over your girlfriend to finish your game of darts. 0.99
01:13:20.000 But me and your lady sang a karaoke song together, and it felt weird.
01:13:25.000 I was like, maybe I shouldn't be singing a song with his wife.
01:13:29.000 That's not even close to similar.
01:13:31.000 Well, one's competitive and one's like a team.
01:13:33.000 Karaoke's a team sport, especially if there's... Now, maybe if it was a ballad, like if you and my wife were doing Islands in the Stream, that might be weird.
01:13:42.000 I don't know what that is, but yeah, I would never sing it.
01:13:44.000 It's Kenny Rogers.
01:13:45.000 And Dolly Parton. 0.76
01:13:48.000 It's a romance song where they go back and forth.
01:13:50.000 Sharing a mic.
01:13:51.000 Like Johnny Cash and whoever.
01:13:53.000 What song were you doing?
01:13:54.000 Now I'm getting kind of worried.
01:13:55.000 I think it was like... Do I have to have two parts?
01:14:01.000 Yeah.
01:14:02.000 Meatloaf?
01:14:03.000 I'll think of it.
01:14:04.000 Maybe.
01:14:04.000 I'll think of it.
01:14:07.000 What's the meatloaf duet?
01:14:09.000 I think we just did two different verses.
01:14:12.000 Okay.
01:14:12.000 She couldn't finish it because it's like I do like a higher voice.
01:14:16.000 Maybe she couldn't do the chorus. 1.00
01:14:17.000 You think you have a wider range than my wife? 1.00
01:14:20.000 Yes, of course.
01:14:20.000 I mean, you know, come on.
01:14:22.000 I don't believe you.
01:14:23.000 Let's hear you go.
01:14:23.000 Ricky was a young boy.
01:14:31.000 He had a heart of stone. 1.00
01:14:33.000 Worked for 85 and ran fat ass to the bone! 0.99
01:14:40.000 So? 0.99
01:14:45.000 New York City! 0.95
01:14:47.000 So, kinda gay. 0.98
01:14:48.000 She then asks, I thought this was strip darts. 0.97
01:14:51.000 Normally if I was approached by a friend's girl, I would just run and curse like you and Ryan would.
01:14:56.000 However, I knew I needed to break up with the guy and decided to take my chance. 1.00
01:15:00.000 A few bullseyes and this chick had her tits out. 1.00
01:15:03.000 She was a solid 6.6. 1.00
01:15:05.000 That is my cup of tea right there, boy.
01:15:08.000 What would you, I would rather see a naked 6.6 than a naked 8.6. 1.00
01:15:13.000 In that context, at a party, hanging around.
01:15:17.000 You probably don't understand that because you're too young.
01:15:19.000 Perky.
01:15:20.000 Anyways, he cried.
01:15:23.000 Yes, cried.
01:15:25.000 Grabbed her and left the party.
01:15:27.000 He then left the gayest message on my phone and unfollowed me on social media. 0.55
01:15:31.000 He also moved his locker away from mine to the opposite side of the locker room.
01:15:36.000 I've never had cleaner breakups.
01:15:38.000 No, I've had cleaner breakups with women. 0.99
01:15:40.000 I almost felt guilty.
01:15:41.000 Should I have felt bad?
01:15:45.000 You know what that's sort of like?
01:15:47.000 Cutting. 0.99
01:15:48.000 Women who cut themselves, that's really irritating, and I wanna hurt them and punish them for being so self-obsessed. 1.00
01:15:54.000 And then you realize, wait, you're cutting yourself. 0.99
01:15:56.000 That's perfect, good.
01:15:58.000 So that worked out fine.
01:16:00.000 Similarly, this solved itself.
01:16:02.000 It's almost like when you're pissed at a handicapped person, you're like, nah, you're already cursed.
01:16:08.000 I win this one.
01:16:10.000 P.S., I highly recommend any virgins listening to this podcast, and by virgins, we mean guys who haven't been laid in over four months,
01:16:18.000 Listening to the podcast and struggling to get laid, to just go to a party, any party, any size.
01:16:24.000 Maybe it'll ramp up the libido a bit. 0.99
01:16:25.000 Also a party skill is great if you want to see some tits. 1.00
01:16:29.000 Darts or beer pong work, but shotgunning with your teeth is more attainable. 0.95
01:16:32.000 I've seen fat guys who were threes get with sevens because of this.
01:16:35.000 Don't knock it until you try it. 1.00
01:16:36.000 That's another thing they're doing to ruin sex, by the way, is all this like, if she's drunk, it's rape. 1.00
01:16:42.000 I wouldn't be born if drunk sex was rape. 1.00
01:16:44.000 I'm not sure I'd have any kids. 1.00
01:16:47.000 You're partying, you're horny, you're obviously in a good mood, and you probably don't have anything to do tomorrow if you let yourself get wasted. 0.99
01:16:56.000 And you know how many drunk women have had sex with not-so-drunk men? 0.99
01:17:00.000 Is that rape? 1.00
01:17:02.000 Those are the rules you just set out.
01:17:04.000 Here's another tip.
01:17:06.000 If you're in a slump, gentlemen, say yes to everything.
01:17:10.000 Hey man, we're gonna go camping in the snow.
01:17:13.000 I'll be there.
01:17:14.000 Yep, let's do it.
01:17:15.000 Hey man, Mark's in town. 0.73
01:17:16.000 Well, he's not in town, he's in Jersey, but they're going to this opera thing where you get to kick squirrels in the head.
01:17:22.000 I'll be there.
01:17:23.000 Yep.
01:17:23.000 What kind of shoes do you wear?
01:17:25.000 You wear ski boots.
01:17:27.000 Okay, I'll get some ski boots.
01:17:28.000 I'll be right there.
01:17:28.000 Just say yes to everything.
01:17:31.000 Like Paul Rubens did.
01:17:33.000 As Pee Wee Herman, when he started saying yes to every invite.
01:17:37.000 Yeah, that's, you know, it's life.
01:17:39.000 All right, I think we're running out of time here.
01:17:41.000 I got a bunch more.
01:17:42.000 I got just a very few, but I picked short ones so that if they sucked, it's like whatever.
01:17:49.000 Okay, this one is from Joe.
01:17:51.000 He says, podcast sound effects while driving.
01:17:53.000 Dude, I was driving home from work and nearly shit my pantaloons when I heard that loud car crash sound effect in the J-Lo is getting sued podcast.
01:18:01.000 Please be more sensitive to us vehicular listeners. 0.81
01:18:04.000 That's a boring email you shouldn't have read.
01:18:07.000 I know, but I understand that sometimes... I was thinking that the other day.
01:18:12.000 I heard a siren when I was driving and it was on a podcast and I got mad and then I thought, I'm not going to mention that.
01:18:19.000 That's not an interesting thing. 1.00
01:18:21.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00
01:18:22.000 But you did. 1.00
01:18:23.000 Well, I did now because it's a good example of uninteresting stuff.
01:18:27.000 Here's an actual good one.
01:18:29.000 Someone says, Ryan's face looks like a beautiful painting.
01:18:33.000 What? 1.00
01:18:34.000 And then the content says, of Gavin's butthole. 0.99
01:18:37.000 Oh, that's a funny switcheroo. 0.99
01:18:39.000 That's from a girl.
01:18:39.000 Why do we have so many girls writing us?
01:18:42.000 I don't know.
01:18:44.000 Stop it, ladies. 1.00
01:18:45.000 This is from Ashley.
01:18:47.000 Hey, people know who Pat Dixon is, is the subject. 1.00
01:18:51.000 And then that's all plus asshole eyes. 0.99
01:18:52.000 Alright, stop reading letters. 1.00
01:18:54.000 Dude, you gotta screen them.
01:18:56.000 I read that one.
01:18:57.000 I know, you have to screen these emails.
01:18:59.000 I don't read the stinkers.
01:19:00.000 Oh wait, this one's actually good. 0.98
01:19:01.000 This is about Beto O'Rourke saying something gay.
01:19:04.000 He said, a girl holding a poster says, I want to ask Beto to prom, and he responded in a speech, as someone who did not go to prom because no one asked me, I'm really touched. 0.98
01:19:19.000 One, it's pathetic to admit that. 0.77
01:19:21.000 Two, guys are supposed to ask girls to prom. 0.98
01:19:26.000 Yeah, that's true.
01:19:27.000 Can't we all work this out, though?
01:19:29.000 There's a normal distribution of males and females at a high school prom. 1.00
01:19:33.000 If you're fat and ugly, ask a fat and ugly girl. 1.00
01:19:37.000 You can't all have the pretty girl, guys. 1.00
01:19:39.000 It's the free market.
01:19:41.000 There should be one person at prom who didn't get asked.
01:19:47.000 I mean, I've had ugly faces.
01:19:48.000 When I lived in Taiwan,
01:19:55.000 You want to hear it?
01:19:57.000 What? 0.98
01:19:58.000 The one person that didn't get asked, it's because it was a black person that got axed. 0.99
01:20:04.000 Oh, so you were laughing there, not because of what I said, because you just cracked yourself up with that axed joke. 0.85
01:20:09.000 Yes.
01:20:10.000 Wow, Ryan cracks himself up.
01:20:12.000 Rivera.
01:20:13.000 He's a sort of bloke who only laughs at his own jokes.
01:20:17.000 They said the wall takes away.
01:20:20.000 It wasn't the wall, he left her anyway.
01:20:25.000 Levi Stubbs tears, Billy Bragg.
01:20:29.000 Yeah, I've had times when I was considered repulsive to the ladyship.
01:20:33.000 Like in Taiwan, I had my beard and they don't do facial hair in Asia.
01:20:40.000 So I was not appealing to any
01:20:43.000 Asian ladies or rice balls as I once said jokingly and that's now part of this SPLC lawsuit by the way. 1.00
01:20:49.000 It's so weird with this SPLC lawsuit looking seeing your jokes in legal documents.
01:20:57.000 And heretofore, in position 13, and this was a precedent sent by People vs. Alzheimer, Mr. McInnis referred to Asian people as rice balls, on numerous occasions, and also slopes.
01:21:15.000 And you're reading it going, yeah, I was really serious when I did that.
01:21:20.000 It's not conceivable to you that this is a joke taken out of context? 1.00
01:21:26.000 That someone was seriously like, God damn fucking rice balls coming in here! 1.00
01:21:31.000 No one talks like that, dumbasses! 1.00
01:21:36.000 We're 91% funded on DefendGavin.com, by the way. 0.98
01:21:40.000 And the, well, I can't tell you, there's some fun secrets coming up.
01:21:43.000 Other people are getting involved and it's growing, turning into a real thing.
01:21:48.000 So please go to DefendGavin.com and contribute.
01:21:51.000 And I think we should wrap it up, Brian.
01:21:55.000 Okay.
01:21:55.000 You want to play some of Levi Stubbs' Tears?
01:21:57.000 Yes.
01:21:58.000 I'll see us out with that.
01:21:59.000 Okay.
01:22:03.000 When the world falls apart Something's starting to rise Levi Stubbs' tears run down his face
01:22:17.000 Norma Rickfield and Barrett Storm are here to make right everything that's wrong.
01:22:22.000 Holland and Holland and Ronald Rousey the two are here to make it all okay with you in one dark night.