Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 26, 2019


#134 | Roseanne just came out as queer

Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
George Brett Alyssa Milano Tina Chen Mae West Hep C Blair White Michelle Obama Tarana Burke Blair Tranny Big Rams Jeff Dorward Hep C. Did Marcellus Wallace Jussie Smollett Roseanne Barr Larry David Def Leppard Che Guevara Jim Brewer Al Capone and 53 more
#133 | My friend almost died this weekend on his motorcycle #135 | So they're coming after Robert Crumb now

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 15 minutes

Words per minute

170.11

Word count

12,818

Sentence count

1,400

Harmful content

Misogyny

126

sentences flagged

Toxicity

563

sentences flagged

Hate speech

123

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and everything in between. It's a thing. I don't know what it is, but I'm not buying it. I'm just not a big fan of it. And I'm also not a fan of gays and lesbians, but that's another thing entirely. I'll tell you what, they're not bad. They're good for the economy, they don't have to be home at any time, and they're all workaholics. Lesbians are grumpy because they don t get laid. And they use sex toys when they first start dating and use them as sex toys. And then they cease to horse around and cease to be monogamous. That's right, ladies and gents, you're not monogamous anymore. And you don't need to be to get laid anymore. You can still have a threesome if you want to, but it's not the same thing. And that's what I mean by being monogamous, right? I mean, you can't have sex unless you're in a relationship with someone who's not monogomous. And if that's not enough, you need to have a partner who doesn't want to have sex with you. You're not getting any more than you can have sex. You need a partner you can do it in a way that's good enough for you. and you're willing to do it right? that's a deal? . I don t know what I'm talking about, but let's talk about it, shall we? ? Let me know what you think of it, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes. . . . well, I'll get back to you soon. xoxo, bye. Cheers. -Todays episode. Tim -P.S. - Tim - Timmy Timmy - Thank you for listening to this episode of the podcast, Timmy! -Timmy - I'll see you next week! , Timmy, I love you back in the next episode of Death of Cool? -Tommy and I'll talk about this episode - Thank you so much Timmy's new book - Tim's new album, Death Of Cool - and he's going to be back with a new album coming out soon, so stay tuned for the next one, so don't forget to check it out!

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Roseanne Barr just came out as queer. 1.00
00:00:05.000 You know what that means? 0.97
00:00:08.000 I like to smoke a lot of pot and get wasted and sometimes I'll let a chick eat me out. 1.00
00:00:16.000 Or maybe not even that.
00:00:19.000 Maybe she uh... 0.99
00:00:21.000 We'll just let a chick like be nude on top of her. 1.00
00:00:24.000 She'll have threesomes and there'll be a chick there and she'll make out with the chick. 1.00
00:00:27.000 That's what it is.
00:00:28.000 I bet she has threesomes. 1.00
00:00:30.000 Like Hawaii is probably a bunch of people just getting high.
00:00:33.000 Right? 0.98
00:00:34.000 She's a big pothead. 1.00
00:00:34.000 I like Roseanne Barr, by the way. 1.00
00:00:36.000 I've corresponded with her a couple times.
00:00:38.000 She called me funny once, invited me to Hawaii.
00:00:42.000 But this queer thing, it's not like she became a gay. 0.99
00:00:47.000 I think it's just like, I gotta get these social justice warriors off my back. 0.97
00:00:52.000 I can't become black. 0.99
00:00:54.000 I'll just become gay. 0.97
00:00:56.000 And then she thought about it and she's like, well, that time that that guy, I bet her boyfriend, this guy who comes over in bones, I bet he has a white mustache and he wears a Hawaiian shirt and he wears sandals.
00:01:08.000 And then sometimes some other chick that he met at AA will come over and they'll get high and make out. 0.82
00:01:16.000 And then she went, wait a minute.
00:01:17.000 I make out with chicks. 0.71
00:01:18.000 I'm queer.
00:01:19.000 I remember that actually. 0.99
00:01:22.000 This is probably fucking 1993. 0.98
00:01:30.000 I had a threesome with two girls. 0.99
00:01:33.000 And then the next day, this girl, I won't say her name, but she was like, I guess I'm a lesbian now.
00:01:39.000 Cause she made out with the girl during the threesome. 1.00
00:01:43.000 Um.
00:01:45.000 And then she said that her mother was talking about lesbians a couple days after that. 0.94
00:01:50.000 She found herself getting offended because she thought, hey, I'm a lesbian now. 0.99
00:01:54.000 You can't talk about my people that way.
00:01:56.000 But of course she wasn't.
00:01:57.000 She married a guy.
00:01:59.000 Had kids and everything.
00:02:01.000 So I don't buy it.
00:02:04.000 I don't buy queer. 0.99
00:02:04.000 You know what else I don't buy? 0.99
00:02:08.000 Bi.
00:02:08.000 I don't bi bi.
00:02:11.000 I'm cheap. 0.77
00:02:13.000 I'm cheap when it comes to homosexuality. 0.85
00:02:15.000 I'm not buying it.
00:02:16.000 If you were NSYNC, you might buy, buy, buy.
00:02:22.000 There's no such thing as a bisexual.
00:02:23.000 Here's the deal, folks.
00:02:25.000 There are two genders, and there are gays and lesbians.
00:02:31.000 That's it.
00:02:33.000 And gays and lesbians represent 1% of the population. 1.00
00:02:38.000 Gays have butt sex. 1.00
00:02:40.000 And they suck each other off and they are not monogamous and they party a lot. 1.00
00:02:46.000 They're also pretty good for the economy because they don't have to be home at any time and they're all workaholics. 0.99
00:02:52.000 Lesbians, very different story. 1.00
00:02:54.000 They are grumpy because they don't get laid. 1.00
00:02:57.000 And they use sex toys when they first start dating. 1.00
00:03:01.000 They will bring men home and use them as sex toys. 1.00
00:03:04.000 Lucky bastards. 1.00
00:03:05.000 And then they get a thing called LBD. 1.00
00:03:11.000 Lesbian bed death. 1.00
00:03:13.000 And they cease to horse around. 0.98
00:03:14.000 I mean, you can see, like, in a marriage, after many, many years, you can still squeeze in a quickie because the anatomy works. 0.99
00:03:22.000 And I guess it's the same with the gays, although they're poor buttholes. 1.00
00:03:25.000 Those must just be destroyed. 0.99
00:03:27.000 Actually, I know for a fact they're destroyed, because in my book, Death of Cool, you can hear me hearing my gay neighbor through the walls, who was 80. 0.99
00:03:36.000 He was a war- I think he was a World War II vet. 1.00
00:03:40.000 And his asshole fell apart. 1.00
00:03:42.000 He never had men over, he was too old. 1.00
00:03:45.000 And I saw him wearing a coat with a medal on it, but I'd also hear him call men up and say, like he said to the man at the movie theater, I just want you to know that you're very attractive and I think you're a good-looking young man.
00:03:59.000 And then I could hear the young man not interested in an 85-year-old homo 1.00
00:04:04.000 And he said, alright, well I'm very sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
00:04:07.000 That was not my intention. 0.98
00:04:09.000 And then he just was shitting everywhere and he called 911. 1.00
00:04:14.000 He called 911 on his asshole. 1.00
00:04:16.000 I'm not exaggerating. 1.00
00:04:20.000 Hello, is there an emergency?
00:04:22.000 Yes.
00:04:23.000 Okay, who is endangering you, sir? 1.00
00:04:26.000 It's my gay ass. 1.00
00:04:30.000 What do you mean? 1.00
00:04:30.000 No, literally, my gay ass has exploded. 1.00
00:04:36.000 And he got it all over the walls. 1.00
00:04:37.000 They had to replace drywall and stuff.
00:04:39.000 I heard all this through the wall.
00:04:42.000 Through the ceiling, actually.
00:04:43.000 He was above me.
00:04:45.000 Metaphorically.
00:04:47.000 And he said, I got it on the walls.
00:04:48.000 It's all over the place.
00:04:50.000 My legs have ruined all my pants.
00:04:52.000 And I remember thinking, can't you just get a diaper?
00:04:57.000 How'd you get it on the walls?
00:04:59.000 You walk around like piglet with just a t-shirt and no pants on? 0.99
00:05:03.000 Like if there's one person who shouldn't be pantless, it's the guy who has no anus. 1.00
00:05:10.000 His anus looks like a baby yawning. 0.99
00:05:12.000 It's just, his farts sound like this. 0.99
00:05:17.000 His farts sound like someone trying to steam up a window on a cold day so they can draw a heart on it.
00:05:24.000 When he bent over to pick something up he would steam up your windows. 0.98
00:05:30.000 I remember this because I remember I was like, there's shit all over the wall and stuff and he's like, oh what an awful time to hula hoop! 0.99
00:05:42.000 He bent over once when I was over there, because he wanted me to fuck him, and he had no pants on. 0.99
00:05:47.000 And I was confused for a sec, because I didn't have my glasses, and I thought a guy with no eyes and no nose was yawning. 0.99
00:05:53.000 No, I didn't.
00:05:58.000 I never corresponded with him, actually.
00:05:59.000 Oh, poor guy. 1.00
00:06:00.000 That was in an apartment in Montreal on... And there was, um... One time I look out my little peephole, and there's a fucking bum! 1.00
00:06:10.000 Trying to get into our homes. 0.99
00:06:13.000 Wow.
00:06:15.000 Uh, Quebec is like Europe and there's no rules.
00:06:20.000 You know, you could be polyamorous.
00:06:23.000 It was very Catholic and all the swear words are still Catholic. 0.96
00:06:27.000 Like callous is the chalice and tabarnak is the tabernacle. 1.00
00:06:32.000 You can say shit to a kid. 1.00
00:06:34.000 Fuck means nothing to them. 1.00
00:06:36.000 That's actually the French word for seal. 1.00
00:06:39.000 Um, 1.00
00:06:41.000 Still, my chicken is, uh, is, uh, fuck my cock. 1.00
00:06:47.000 Um, but yeah, if you say anything about the church, old lady's ears bleed. 1.00
00:06:52.000 Uh, but it's got, you know, there's sort of like if all these lesbians and social justice warriors at college got their own province and it's the French, they call themselves, they say, we are the niggers of Canada. 0.93
00:07:06.000 That's an actual quote from the separatists.
00:07:09.000 And so they want, you know, reparations for all the horrible abuse they've suffered. 0.99
00:07:15.000 And Canadians being pussies, immediately comply. 1.00
00:07:19.000 Like the FLQ, the Front de Libération du Québec, decided that they wanted to have their own country, Quebec, in 1970. 0.99
00:07:29.000 So they blew up a bunch of buildings.
00:07:32.000 And ever since then, Canada's said, okay, whatever you want. 0.99
00:07:39.000 The whole fucking country is bilingual, which costs trillions. 1.00
00:07:42.000 You get on a plane in Vancouver and the stewardess is speaking in French. 1.00
00:07:46.000 She's just reading it phonetically because she can't speak French and no one on the fucking plane speaks French. 0.97
00:07:52.000 But every package has to be bilingual. 0.98
00:07:55.000 And then, to further appease the French, we elect probably about 70% frogs as Prime Ministers. 0.99
00:08:04.000 Like Justin Trudeau is a frog. 0.99
00:08:08.000 Fucking René Lévesque we had for a while. 1.00
00:08:13.000 Before then we had Justin's dad, Pierre Trudeau. 0.99
00:08:16.000 And guess how those people act towards the French?
00:08:19.000 They give them whatever they want.
00:08:22.000 It's like if you kept having Scottish presidents, there'd be a pub on every block. 1.00
00:08:26.000 It'd be a much better country than letting a fucking Frenchman run the show. 1.00
00:08:33.000 I love coming to America, you see the way they see French people and they think French from France. 1.00
00:08:38.000 Where I grew up, Canada, frogs are fucking losers. 1.00
00:08:43.000 They suck at everything they do. 1.00
00:08:45.000 You can beat up every single one of them, no problem. 0.99
00:08:49.000 Uh, we call them Pepsis, or Peppers, because they're poor, and Pepsi's cheaper than Coke, so you'd always see French people drinking Pepsi, and English people drinking Coke.
00:08:58.000 Pepsi is the N-word, by the way. 0.99
00:09:00.000 Buddy of mine got beat up by about five of them because he called them fucking peppers. 0.99
00:09:05.000 Because they give you the wrong directions. 0.99
00:09:08.000 If they hear you say, and you can speak French, but if you have an accent in English, they hate you.
00:09:13.000 So you say, excusez, je cherche pour la ruche sur Brooke.
00:09:15.000 Est-ce que c'est nord d'ici?
00:09:18.000 And they go, non, non, c'est sud. 1.00
00:09:20.000 And they'd send you off miles away just to fuck with you. 1.00
00:09:24.000 And my friend Adam, who's diabetic, and that explains how they were able to beat him up. 1.00
00:09:28.000 Because you could beat up five peppers. 0.98
00:09:32.000 He asked where he was, and he knew, he didn't know where he was going, but he knew that the directions I just gave him were wrong, and he just mumbled fucking peppers. 1.00
00:09:40.000 And they heard him and kicked his ass. 1.00
00:09:44.000 I was very angry at him for that. 1.00
00:09:46.000 Angry at him? 0.97
00:09:49.000 Yeah, you shouldn't get, that's like getting beat up by five midgets. 1.00
00:09:53.000 You're angry that he got beat up?
00:09:54.000 Oh, I got two good gym jokes I haven't done yet, but I'm gonna do.
00:09:59.000 One, I think they both could involve a cigarette.
00:10:02.000 I think they'd both be much funnier if you had a cigarette in your mouth. 1.00
00:10:04.000 But say you know a guy who's sparring, it's almost like when someone's taking a shit. 0.99
00:10:09.000 Like, you don't talk to that person. 0.99
00:10:11.000 Maybe when the bell rings, you could say, hey, looking good out there.
00:10:15.000 At the most.
00:10:16.000 But...
00:10:17.000 The guy's clearly busy.
00:10:18.000 I've always described boxing as it's like playing pool while someone throws bowling balls at you. 0.98
00:10:24.000 Actually, the coach fucking threw a medicine ball up my stomach today and it feels like I ate a broken bottle. 0.98
00:10:30.000 My tummy hurts. 0.99
00:10:34.000 What's the joke?
00:10:35.000 I don't know, I just, I said tummy and it reminded me that you asked my wife last night if you can have a sippy.
00:10:44.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:10:44.000 What the fuck are you doing with these gay words you keep inventing? 1.00
00:10:48.000 It's so irritating. 0.99
00:10:49.000 I'm talking to you the other day about something very important, and we're trying to get this website set up, so on June 1st we launch hard, and I say something, I can't remember what it was, but instead of saying why, you go, uh, pourquoi?
00:11:00.000 Right.
00:11:02.000 Do you have any idea how irritating that is?
00:11:04.000 And why did you ask my wife for a sippy, you mean a sippy cup? 1.00
00:11:08.000 My fucking six-year-old was laughing at you. 1.00
00:11:11.000 At you, not with you. 1.00
00:11:12.000 Oh.
00:11:14.000 What's a sippy?
00:11:15.000 Like a sip of a drink?
00:11:17.000 Yeah, no one says that.
00:11:19.000 Yeah, that's even worse than if you had said, can I get a drink-a-roo or something?
00:11:23.000 Like, at least that's the thing.
00:11:24.000 Sippy is an adjective.
00:11:28.000 Without further to do, I apologize.
00:11:32.000 That's stealing my bit, and that's funny.
00:11:34.000 When you get a colloquialism wrong, that's interesting.
00:11:37.000 But like, even earlier today, you said, you talked to that guy, you said, and I speaketh to him.
00:11:43.000 That's, like, it's like you're trying to kill me. 0.96
00:11:45.000 But why do blacks get to make up stuff? 1.00
00:11:47.000 At least blacks have the same ebo- blacks don't say spaketh to him. 0.97
00:11:52.000 They have a jive, an ebonics, what's the politically correct term for it? 0.96
00:11:56.000 Ebonics?
00:11:57.000 A-e-a-e-a-e-m? 1.00
00:11:58.000 A-e-m? 1.00
00:11:59.000 It's like African e- English... What's it called again?
00:12:03.000 Look it up.
00:12:04.000 It's the, ava, ave?
00:12:08.000 Ave.
00:12:08.000 I think it's ave, African Vernacular English.
00:12:12.000 But at least they're consistent, and it sounds cool. 0.98
00:12:15.000 Sippy doesn't fucking sound cool. 0.98
00:12:19.000 African American Vernacular English, yep. 0.99
00:12:20.000 Ave.
00:12:22.000 If you, hey folks at home, if any of you ever use the word ave, you, guess what, you can fly.
00:12:32.000 So if you regularly use the word Ave, I would recommend going to the top of the building you're on and jumping because you will just soar through the clouds and you'll fly and fly and fly.
00:12:44.000 And don't try it out like on the first floor or something.
00:12:49.000 Like really go for it your first time.
00:12:50.000 No need to try it out.
00:12:52.000 If you use the word Ave, you're special.
00:12:56.000 What did Bill Hicks say? 0.99
00:12:57.000 Like, why wouldn't people just try flying not from the fucking... Oh no! 1.00
00:13:01.000 We lost a moron! 1.00
00:13:04.000 He talks about acid and how much he loved doing acid and he said, but then people say it's dangerous because someone jumped off a building they thought they could fly. 1.00
00:13:11.000 And he goes, big deal! 1.00
00:13:13.000 We lost a moron! 1.00
00:13:15.000 If you think you can fly, why the fuck wouldn't you try it out on the ground first? 1.00
00:13:19.000 Right. 0.98
00:13:21.000 He was great, but it's kind of politically correct.
00:13:24.000 I was going to ask you something.
00:13:25.000 This better be good. 1.00
00:13:26.000 So this soldier, the assless soldier that was shitting and farting all over the gay old man. 1.00
00:13:32.000 He was a soldier, right? 1.00
00:13:32.000 Yes. 1.00
00:13:34.000 Yeah.
00:13:35.000 But not for America, for Canada in World War II.
00:13:38.000 Yes.
00:13:39.000 So is there like a reverence for Canadian military as much as there is in America?
00:13:45.000 Like what is the relationship like?
00:13:47.000 Massive reverence.
00:13:48.000 Massive reverence.
00:13:49.000 It's better here.
00:13:50.000 Nothing beats America.
00:13:51.000 Yeah, I would think so.
00:13:52.000 America is, I think, the only place in the world where a soldier will just be walking down the street and people just go, thank you for your service.
00:13:59.000 Or even if a guy's wearing a baseball hat that says veteran on it, people will just, thank you for your service.
00:14:05.000 It's like when Puerto Ricans say, God bless when they see a kid. 0.98
00:14:09.000 When I see a woman, I say, thank you for your cervix. 1.00
00:14:12.000 Okay.
00:14:13.000 Anyway, back to my funny ideas.
00:14:18.000 So it'd be funny, you go into the gym and there's a friend of yours boxing, and you just, with a cigarette in your mouth, you just walk up to him, in the fight, and start going, dude, you know I was talking about my friend's car there that has the spoiler on the back?
00:14:33.000 And you said a bird would get caught on it?
00:14:34.000 A bird did get caught on it, like a couple of days ago, and he had like bird guts all over the back of his car.
00:14:39.000 And then you inhale, you take a drag.
00:14:42.000 That's a good one.
00:14:43.000 And then another one,
00:14:45.000 Is occasionally there's a class at the gym, right?
00:14:48.000 Pay an extra ten bucks and it's brutal. 0.97
00:14:50.000 And it's like boot camp in that you don't want to pussy out because everyone's doing it. 0.94
00:14:56.000 So, you know, if it went on for three hours, which it never does, you wouldn't want to be the guy to say, I got to stop guys, because now you've let down the gang, right?
00:15:07.000 So, it's relevant that it's in a group. 0.99
00:15:10.000 You would probably work harder than you would if you were on your own, because it's just you, and you're paying the trainer, and you'd say, fuck it, dude, I'm done. 0.73
00:15:17.000 And he has to say yes, because he's your employee, basically. 0.65
00:15:20.000 But in a group, it's different, and it's more of a military thing.
00:15:24.000 So, you do the class regularly, right?
00:15:28.000 And then one day you decide not to, and you're looking at the guys, and that's bad for their morale.
00:15:34.000 Right?
00:15:35.000 Cause someone left the gang and then they're sitting there having a delicious Gatorade just watching us die.
00:15:42.000 And then you add to it by walking over to them and going, guys, guys, I gotta be honest here.
00:15:50.000 I'm not seeing any heart.
00:15:53.000 I'm seeing a lot of laziness.
00:15:54.000 I'm seeing a lot of people sleeping on the job.
00:15:57.000 I want you to get out and give a hundred percent.
00:16:00.000 You're half-assing it.
00:16:01.000 And maybe call out people too. 1.00
00:16:03.000 Joey, get up off your ass! 1.00
00:16:05.000 That'll be funny, huh? 1.00
00:16:08.000 You think of that, so these are thoughts you have while you're there, you're like, how inappropriate would it be if I just started to do this?
00:16:15.000 Well I thought of it, no I thought of it leaving the gym.
00:16:17.000 I will definitely do it.
00:16:18.000 No you will not.
00:16:19.000 It's like the pointed toes.
00:16:20.000 I do the pointed toes all the time.
00:16:22.000 It's a hit.
00:16:23.000 Tell people to do the pointed toes? 0.65
00:16:25.000 Yeah.
00:16:25.000 I do it at baseball too with the kids.
00:16:28.000 And they're all ten years old staring at their feet, totally confused. 1.00
00:16:34.000 You know every time I fucking see a kid fumble a play, I look at the father and I just think, fuck you. 1.00
00:16:41.000 You're ruining our game by being a shitty dad who doesn't play catch with his son You your son sucks cuz you suck and if he misses or he starts swinging at balls. 1.00
00:16:53.000 I think fuck you dad Because you don't take him to the batting cage And he doesn't know how to hit a fucking ball you useless shithead who's working in finance. 1.00
00:17:03.000 They all work in finance in Westchester You're a money babysitter 1.00
00:17:09.000 You read the Wall Street Journal from cover to cover.
00:17:09.000 Okay.
00:17:12.000 You call that work.
00:17:13.000 No, that's what we all do on Sunday.
00:17:15.000 We read the paper.
00:17:16.000 That's not magic. 1.00
00:17:17.000 And then you make a bunch of boring, shitty decisions. 0.96
00:17:20.000 And the market is always going up 45 degrees when you pull back a little bit. 0.93
00:17:25.000 Sure, there's ups and downs, but from even including the Great Depression, if you look at the stock market from 1900 till right now, you'll see a 45 degree line.
00:17:34.000 You got to zoom in to see the ups and downs.
00:17:36.000 So these guys just sit there as the economy gets better because life gets better.
00:17:40.000 Lifespan's improving, right?
00:17:42.000 The air is always getting better.
00:17:44.000 Everything just gets better naturally.
00:17:45.000 That's God's design. 1.00
00:17:46.000 And these assholes sit there and they get their commissions. 1.00
00:17:49.000 Their wives are interior designers, which is the dumbest fucking job in the world. 1.00
00:17:56.000 How do you not know what furniture you want? 1.00
00:17:59.000 How are you having a stranger buy a painting for your fucking house? 1.00
00:18:03.000 Now you're in a hotel room. 1.00
00:18:05.000 That's not a couch you bought.
00:18:07.000 That's not a painting you like.
00:18:09.000 You don't know what paintings you like?
00:18:11.000 Are you familiar with the expression, I don't know a lot about art, but I know what I like?
00:18:15.000 That's all it has to be. 0.96
00:18:17.000 You can have a fucking Mona Lisa painting, uh, poster, print, on foam core. 1.00
00:18:23.000 It's your fucking house. 1.00
00:18:25.000 Kumi is right, too, about that Man Cave shit. 1.00
00:18:28.000 Man Cave. 1.00
00:18:29.000 You paid for the house! 0.91
00:18:31.000 Now you're relegated to a room?
00:18:33.000 That's for the kids. 0.66
00:18:34.000 Your boy has his room.
00:18:35.000 It says Mark on the door on a racing car.
00:18:39.000 Now you have your little room?
00:18:41.000 Oh, I get to put my plexiglass baseball on top of the TV.
00:18:46.000 Congratulations.
00:18:50.000 This is demeaning.
00:18:53.000 Although my wife, I guess, is my interior designer.
00:18:56.000 But no, I've made some big decisions.
00:18:58.000 I have a God Save the Queen Sex Pistols flag professionally framed above the bed.
00:19:03.000 That's a major spot in the house.
00:19:04.000 If your wife does it, it's fine. 0.96
00:19:05.000 You're not hiring some floozy to come in your house. 1.00
00:19:08.000 Yeah, she has great taste. 1.00
00:19:10.000 She did curb the punk, though.
00:19:12.000 I've got a eight foot high Sex Pistols poster and then some prints from Gavin Watson on the walls.
00:19:19.000 And it was getting a little too punky museum.
00:19:24.000 Big picture of mods and... Curb your punkthusiasm? 1.00
00:19:27.000 Fuck off! 1.00
00:19:29.000 Oh, I was gonna do a whole bit. 1.00
00:19:31.000 No!
00:19:33.000 Why would you take the painting down?
00:19:35.000 Why would you do that?
00:19:37.000 That's my Larry David.
00:19:38.000 That's the worst Larry David I've ever heard. 1.00
00:19:41.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:19:43.000 Don't interrupt the show with a shitty pun. 1.00
00:19:46.000 Well, it was a whole bit. 0.75
00:19:47.000 I had the song and everything.
00:19:49.000 So yeah, those are my ideas for funny jokes.
00:19:54.000 We really, I've been getting a lot of mail recently and people, not at my behest, on their own, are signing the letters, I like your new sunglasses.
00:20:05.000 So we gotta make a t-shirt.
00:20:08.000 I like your new, and just, it says, I like your new, is one line, and then sunglasses has to be big, and then there'll be a picture of sunglasses.
00:20:16.000 Or maybe the sunglasses and the,
00:20:18.000 And the word sunglasses would be competing?
00:20:20.000 I don't know. 0.99
00:20:22.000 But folks at home who are not familiar with this story, I won't tell the whole story again, but it's just a story about how annoying junkies are and how they think you don't know they're high and they're trying to blend in with other earthlings like they're not total fucking idiot sloth people. 0.97
00:20:37.000 And my buddy Jesse at the time had a shitty party and his high girlfriend put on sunglasses to hide her shitty eyes. 1.00
00:20:48.000 Bill Brewer eyes. 0.99
00:20:49.000 What's his name?
00:20:49.000 The guy who always looks stoned?
00:20:51.000 Jim Brewer.
00:20:52.000 Jim Brewer eyes.
00:20:54.000 And he's working on his Hello Kitty coffee maker.
00:20:56.000 And without looking up, he goes, I like your new sunglasses.
00:21:01.000 And my wife and I just look at him with the way you would look at a pedophile, like just contempt and disgust.
00:21:08.000 I think we left.
00:21:11.000 I think we left after that.
00:21:13.000 We were that disgusted.
00:21:18.000 Should we look at some mailbags?
00:21:19.000 Is it too soon?
00:21:20.000 Bail mags.
00:21:21.000 Yeah, let's do it. 1.00
00:21:21.000 Let's fucking do it, man. 1.00
00:21:23.000 I got a bunch I haven't... I haven't correctly classified. 0.99
00:21:34.000 Here, why don't you read one while I skim?
00:21:37.000 Okay.
00:21:42.000 Oh, here's one. 0.98
00:21:44.000 Dear GOML, I just watched your Apple Scotland commercial and it was fucking hilarious. 0.95
00:21:49.000 Thank you. 0.93
00:21:50.000 However, if you were teaching your boy how to throw in any way...
00:21:55.000 Almost forgot this.
00:22:19.000 Yes.
00:22:20.000 The theme that's supposed to be playing. 0.99
00:22:22.000 Why isn't it fucking playing? 0.99
00:22:24.000 It's frozen. 0.99
00:22:26.000 Why is it frozen?
00:22:29.000 This happened last time. 0.99
00:22:30.000 And we got a letter about it saying, Ryan is inept. 0.99
00:22:34.000 You need to fire him. 0.98
00:22:35.000 Even the songs for the male didn't play.
00:22:39.000 Did he not think to load them first?
00:22:42.000 So your incompetence is affecting our fans.
00:22:46.000 They hate you as much as me now, Mr. Punkthusiasm. 1.00
00:22:50.000 They can suck my cock. 1.00
00:22:52.000 Whoa! 1.00
00:22:53.000 And swallow my gajiz. 0.99
00:22:56.000 Why did you say gajiz?
00:22:57.000 This is a new thing with you.
00:22:58.000 Chillo, it's gajiz. 0.92
00:23:01.000 Why are you making funny words?
00:23:04.000 Is it a thing where you have a bet with your friend to see if you can give me a nervous breakdown?
00:23:08.000 I'm incredibly depressed.
00:23:10.000 What's that got to do with anything?
00:23:12.000 It's just something to spice up my life.
00:23:14.000 It doesn't spice up anything.
00:23:16.000 It's really, really irritating.
00:23:20.000 Okay?
00:23:22.000 Please stop.
00:23:24.000 Please stop making funny words.
00:23:27.000 What? 0.99
00:23:27.000 You're still trying to figure out shit? 0.99
00:23:29.000 It played. 1.00
00:23:31.000 Oh, so they heard it, but I didn't.
00:23:32.000 Yes.
00:23:34.000 Why am I not hearing things?
00:23:37.000 We could hear it.
00:23:39.000 Now?
00:23:41.000 You just can't talk during it.
00:23:44.000 Okay. 1.00
00:23:45.000 Fuck it. 1.00
00:23:46.000 I give up. 1.00
00:23:48.000 Jeff Droward!
00:23:51.000 The subject, door word, sorry.
00:23:53.000 The subject here is much thanks to you and George Brett.
00:23:57.000 George Brett was a professional ball player.
00:23:59.000 I think he was on the Royals.
00:24:00.000 He was on a couple teams.
00:24:03.000 Very talented player, but he was from the old school.
00:24:07.000 And when baseball was really great and they did coke and they got in fist fights on the pitch and they banged girls in between innings.
00:24:15.000 He's from those glory days when the Mets won the World Series in 86, was it? 0.99
00:24:23.000 And if you look up George Brett's shit story, he goes up to two guys and he explains that he shit his pants last night. 0.99
00:24:29.000 And he proceeds to tell a 20 minute story about having food poisoning and water, just fucking water, goes down my pants into my boots. 0.99
00:24:42.000 It's one of the best stories of all time. 0.99
00:24:43.000 The only bad thing about the story is the guys he's talking to seem kind of Annoyed bored not interested if anyone tells you a shit story sit down and listen, please gentlemen and ladies lesbians if you think you're trans and you want to become a man and you cut your tits off and you say I identify as a man you dress like Justin Bieber and you have that weird little 1.00
00:25:08.000 Fade on your head with your sideways baseball hat and your baggy pants with your weird gay guy underwear and your fucking DC puffy shoes and your jewelry and your tank top and your skateboard. 1.00
00:25:20.000 Why do these lesbians, when they become men, they all dress like either Asian nerds or weird skateboard wiggers. 1.00
00:25:29.000 Like they're never a normal guy. 0.98
00:25:30.000 I'm a normal guy. 1.00
00:25:32.000 Anyway, ladies, you should know that becoming a man, we talk about shit and are assholes. 1.00
00:25:38.000 I mean, even this, this podcast is covered in diarrhea. 1.00
00:25:43.000 We talk about it all the time, more than fights, more than sex. 0.94
00:25:48.000 And when we talk about sex,
00:25:51.000 It's not sexual. 0.99
00:25:52.000 Just like when we talk about shit, it's not gross. 0.99
00:25:55.000 When we talk about sex, it's like, how do you feel about cankles? 1.00
00:25:59.000 How do you feel about our Oreolas? 0.97
00:26:01.000 I just heard Keith talking to Anthony talking about, you would have sex with Oprah for the story, obviously, but would you have sex with an 80 year old celebrity for the story like Sophia Loren or Bridget Bardot? 0.98
00:26:13.000 And then you get into, well, could you get it up? 0.98
00:26:16.000 That's how we talk about sex.
00:26:18.000 How do you feel about areolas while we're on this subject? 0.83
00:26:21.000 And don't say, you mean loli lolas?
00:26:26.000 I like them, you know those wide ones that look like faded watercolor?
00:26:32.000 Oh, you like when they're not defined?
00:26:34.000 No.
00:26:34.000 Oh.
00:26:34.000 No.
00:26:35.000 Is it a deal-breaker for you? 1.00
00:26:36.000 Those ones s-s-suck. 0.99
00:26:38.000 Yeah, sure they do. 0.99
00:26:39.000 They're not as nice, obviously, as a perfect silver dollar, but I don't really care.
00:26:44.000 Do you care?
00:26:45.000 No.
00:26:45.000 Because I know guys where it's a deal-breaker.
00:26:49.000 Um, that sucks. 0.99
00:26:50.000 I knew a guy who was dating an 8.4, but she had those nipples that never really begin or end. 1.00
00:26:56.000 Yeah, those suck. 1.00
00:26:57.000 They just sort of fade. 1.00
00:26:58.000 Right. 0.94
00:26:59.000 You couldn't even, you couldn't measure her nipple. 0.72
00:27:02.000 Because you couldn't, with a marker, you'd have to just say, let's just say it seems to be ending around here.
00:27:07.000 You're mapping out territories for a new country?
00:27:11.000 It's like when they made Israel. 0.97
00:27:14.000 I guess there's a river here that Vayne will follow.
00:27:16.000 Yeah, let's just, let's call that river.
00:27:18.000 And it's still going to be a circle. 0.98
00:27:19.000 So I'm just going to go right through here and there's your nipple. 1.00
00:27:22.000 And then even then it's like the size of a baseball. 0.99
00:27:24.000 The areola purchase?
00:27:26.000 He, he, he was, it was a huge deal breaker for him, but she, she was cool and she was incredibly hot and funny and everything.
00:27:34.000 And when they, I found out laughter, they broke up cause I was friends with her.
00:27:37.000 She told me that before they would have sex, she could hear him going to the bathroom and he would barf. 1.00
00:27:42.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
00:27:43.000 Yes. 1.00
00:27:44.000 Because of the areolas? 0.99
00:27:45.000 Yeah, because he was like, here I go into the fucking areola town. 0.99
00:27:48.000 Wow. 1.00
00:27:50.000 Yeah, just dump her, dude. 1.00
00:27:52.000 That's how I would be if I was forced at gunpoint to marry a man.
00:27:56.000 Right. 0.98
00:27:57.000 And it was like, it's Saturday, it's sex night. 0.98
00:28:02.000 Okay, Kevin, I'm just going to go chug a bottle of booze and puke my guts out and I guess we'll get started. 0.98
00:28:09.000 Why?
00:28:10.000 Did we talk about that before?
00:28:11.000 I can't remember if that was on the air or not. 1.00
00:28:13.000 What's with all these gay guys in prison who go, fuck it man, there's no pussy, you know, you're here for 20 years, you gotta fucking do it. 1.00
00:28:20.000 Uh, no thanks. 1.00
00:28:23.000 I can beat off or not have sex. 1.00
00:28:26.000 That's like saying, hey, there's no pizza pies, you gotta eat a piece of shit that's triangle. 1.00
00:28:29.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99
00:28:32.000 No, I'll just abstain from pizza, thanks. 0.99
00:28:34.000 Same with pedophiles. 1.00
00:28:35.000 Hey, you were born on a planet where that deserves death, so don't do it, or kill yourself. 1.00
00:28:44.000 Anyway, to get back to George Brett, much thanks to you and George Brett. 0.99
00:28:49.000 This is from Jeff Dorward. 0.98
00:28:50.000 I was delivering gasoline tonight, and the sudden and scary urge to shit came upon me. 0.99
00:28:56.000 That's weird that you have those where you can't control it. 0.99
00:29:02.000 I've had those occasionally.
00:29:03.000 That's how I came up with the band name, Delicate Shit Cramps. 0.53
00:29:06.000 Because you know those where you just go, uh oh, something's going on. 0.83
00:29:12.000 While delivering, you cannot walk away when it's happening. 0.99
00:29:15.000 The delivery had to stop for this shit and was an unstoppable force like the Allied invasion of Normandy. 0.99
00:29:22.000 So he stopped the gasoline delivery halfway through. 0.99
00:29:24.000 Because you're not allowed to let it keep running, obviously.
00:29:28.000 I ran for the wah-wah.
00:29:30.000 To our Canadian and Australian British viewers, that's a 7-11 type chain.
00:29:34.000 Johnny Knoxville has a wah-wah tattoo.
00:29:37.000 I ran for the wah-wah and preemptively unhooked my suspender clips.
00:29:42.000 I swung the door open, took notice that someone was in the stall. 1.00
00:29:47.000 My mind and asshole were in cahoots and I immediately shit. 0.99
00:29:50.000 After the bad cleanup, and yeah, it's not an easy thing to clean up, sir, because I assume if it wasn't up to you when it came out, we're not talking about a nice defined log. 1.00
00:29:59.000 We're talking about porridge.
00:30:02.000 We're talking about chili soup. 0.95
00:30:04.000 And that means it sits there, it'll bleed through your underwear, and it's on your butt cheeks. 0.55
00:30:11.000 Now you have to wash your butt cheeks. 1.00
00:30:13.000 And it's essentially brown paint. 0.94
00:30:16.000 So you're cleaning brown paint off your butt cheeks. 0.96
00:30:20.000 I mean, I think the only solution is to take off your underwear, which you have to be very, it's very tricky to take off your underwear when you shit your pants because it's going by socks. 0.96
00:30:30.000 It's going, it's probably not going by shoes.
00:30:33.000 Um, but it's, it's like, it's a thing of brown paint there.
00:30:37.000 So you got to delicately take everything off. 0.96
00:30:39.000 Then, if you're a real ninja, you can use the non-shitted part to clean your butt cheeks a little bit. 0.99
00:30:47.000 And then you put that in the garbage. 0.99
00:30:48.000 I assume there's a garbage there.
00:30:49.000 If not, put them on the floor and then you can take them in the garbage.
00:30:52.000 And then what I would do, what I have done, is you fold it up, make a nice little sort of a face cloth with the toilet paper, dip it into the toilet water.
00:31:02.000 And then use that to wash your butt cheeks, and you just keep flushing and flushing and going through like five handmade face cloths.
00:31:10.000 I love how I'm giving people tips on something they've all done before. 0.99
00:31:14.000 That's the weird thing about shitting and I don't want to get into this. 0.99
00:31:16.000 Remember I talked about my asshole like 10 episodes ago and I got 900 emails of people younger than me going, yeah, what you gotta do is you gotta start having a lot more starch in your diet and then you need to shower when you blah, blah, blah. 1.00
00:31:31.000 And so many fucking experts. 1.00
00:31:35.000 Yeah, I'm not looking for asshole tips, folks at home. 1.00
00:31:38.000 Okay. 1.00
00:31:40.000 I have Google and I have an asshole. 1.00
00:31:42.000 Don't tell me about poo-poo, please. 1.00
00:31:44.000 And I realize I just did that to you, but I was secretly trying to make you laugh.
00:31:50.000 I have a technique.
00:31:50.000 Do you want to poo-poo it?
00:31:52.000 See?
00:31:53.000 I'm just thinking if this would work.
00:31:55.000 So you've never even done this.
00:31:57.000 You're giving me a tip and you're half my age and it's something you've never even tried.
00:32:02.000 Well it's not a tip.
00:32:03.000 I'm not imparting it on you.
00:32:04.000 I'm telling you this is what I would do.
00:32:05.000 Is it a bad idea?
00:32:06.000 I'm asking you for opinion.
00:32:09.000 What'd you just say?
00:32:10.000 Opinion.
00:32:10.000 What are you doing?
00:32:12.000 I said like a black guy! 0.99
00:32:13.000 You're doing the kooky word thing again. 0.99
00:32:15.000 No! 0.97
00:32:15.000 I said like a black man. 0.97
00:32:15.000 That's banned. 0.97
00:32:17.000 No more kooky words. 0.83
00:32:18.000 Can I talk like a black man? 0.93
00:32:19.000 Yes. 0.92
00:32:20.000 Alright then.
00:32:20.000 That's an imitation.
00:32:21.000 That's a totally different thing.
00:32:23.000 Now hold up. 1.00
00:32:24.000 Now my butt cheeks, they all covered in doo-doo and shit. 0.99
00:32:27.000 So I opened up the toilet, the lid, and the other lid, and I dipped my butt cheeks in there. 1.00
00:32:33.000 I braced myself on the walls and I cleaned. 1.00
00:32:35.000 That's a really good solution if you're three feet tall and your butt fits in the fucking toilet. 1.00
00:32:40.000 What are you, the smallest Asian in the world? 1.00
00:32:42.000 Is that what you 5'5 people do? 0.91
00:32:44.000 I'm black.
00:32:46.000 Yeah, black people are taller generally than Asians. 1.00
00:32:50.000 That's for babies, dumbass. 1.00
00:32:53.000 You can't get your buttcheeks in the toilet. 1.00
00:32:55.000 Sideways. 0.99
00:32:56.000 Sideways?
00:32:57.000 No.
00:32:57.000 Go try it right now.
00:33:05.000 If you get any water on your butt cheek, I'll pay you five bucks. 0.86
00:33:09.000 Alright, so... Jeff Dorward. 0.86
00:33:14.000 I swung the door open. 0.97
00:33:17.000 Get water on your actual butt cheek. 0.99
00:33:21.000 From the toilet. 0.89
00:33:23.000 And you're probably... Yeah, I guess even if you just get the... But you're not doing it!
00:33:29.000 You're just seeing it's possible.
00:33:34.000 You have to literally do it.
00:33:35.000 This is what I was talking about in the other podcast.
00:33:37.000 Hitting the heavy bag ain't got nothing on sparring.
00:33:40.000 You have to actually complete the task if you're going to iron out the kinks.
00:33:45.000 Look at how low the water level is.
00:33:47.000 So you didn't do it?
00:33:48.000 It's abnormally low.
00:33:51.000 Abnormally low.
00:33:52.000 That's a good name for a band.
00:33:54.000 My IQ. 1.00
00:33:55.000 You're abnormally low. 0.99
00:33:57.000 Yeah, it is. 1.00
00:33:57.000 For a Japanese guy, you're the stupidest Japanese person I've ever met. 1.00
00:34:01.000 I gave up on Japanese shit a long time ago. 1.00
00:34:04.000 Well, you may want to check the mirror because someone made razor slits in your eye holes. 1.00
00:34:11.000 I swung the door open, took notice that someone was in the stall.
00:34:14.000 My mind asked, oh yeah, sorry, I already read that part. 0.99
00:34:17.000 After the bad cleanup and feeling horrible about myself, I remember when you played the clip of George Brett and with a shit covered itchy ass, I played it on repeat for the 15 minute drive home. 0.99
00:34:26.000 It made this shitty night so much better. 0.99
00:34:29.000 There's two great George Brett clips on YouTube. 0.64
00:34:32.000 One is him telling the story about pooping his panties and the other, now you got me saying things in a cute way, and the other is him 1.00
00:34:44.000 They won against some other team and he saw the umps talking and he said, if this is about my fucking pine tar on my bat, I am going to lose my shit. 0.99
00:34:55.000 And for some dumb reason, you're only allowed to have pine tar up the bat. 0.99
00:35:01.000 To the same height that is the width of home plate. 0.96
00:35:05.000 I don't know if Fred Flintstone came up with this rule in the year five, but it's some dumb rule.
00:35:13.000 And so the umps get over there and they measure his pine tar and yep, it's wider than home plate.
00:35:18.000 So they kill the win. 0.99
00:35:21.000 And he loses it and runs out and tries to beat the shit out of the ump. 0.98
00:35:28.000 Which I guess lost him a few games. 0.99
00:35:31.000 That's a real man's sport, baseball. 1.00
00:35:33.000 And I like how even in the suburbs, even politically correct town where everyone votes for Hillary up in Westchester, they say, hey, hey, no crying in baseball.
00:35:44.000 Like kids get in trouble if they cry in baseball.
00:35:48.000 That's good.
00:35:50.000 Boys should be discouraged from crying.
00:35:54.000 It's not good to cry.
00:35:56.000 And I've made this clear in the past.
00:35:58.000 You can only cry at war movies and it can't be an ugly cry, it can just be a tear going down your cheek.
00:36:06.000 Actually, I think you can only cry at movies or if something horrible has happened to your children.
00:36:11.000 Or you're watching a movie of a soldier come home and surprise his kids.
00:36:15.000 Those are man tears.
00:36:17.000 But you definitely can't cry because something is going wrong with your life. 1.00
00:36:22.000 Fuck that! 1.00
00:36:24.000 And... 1.00
00:36:25.000 I hope this goes without saying, but you cannot cry because you're hurt.
00:36:29.000 That's the... I don't even understand that.
00:36:32.000 My wife does that. 1.00
00:36:33.000 She'll stub her toe and then cry. 1.00
00:36:35.000 I'm like, how are you sad?
00:36:37.000 I don't understand if you were a slave and you're kept in some room like kidnapped and he comes in and burns you with a coat hanger every day you could cry because this isn't gonna get better and I just keep getting these burns.
00:36:50.000 That I understand.
00:36:51.000 Cry away.
00:36:52.000 But you just stubbed your toe.
00:36:54.000 It's not gonna happen again if you don't want it to.
00:36:58.000 And why are you always barefoot in the house?
00:37:02.000 My shoes go on in the morning.
00:37:03.000 They stay there till bed.
00:37:06.000 I never take my shoes off because you're always going in and out of the house to go get something. 1.00
00:37:11.000 Now you gotta go find your fucking shoes? 0.99
00:37:15.000 Do you, do you, do you wear your shoes around the house? 1.00
00:37:18.000 Uh, I usually wear my socks around the house.
00:37:20.000 I mean, I wear my shoes around the house probably 40% most of the time, but socks.
00:37:25.000 I don't go barefoot.
00:37:25.000 I don't like to pick up particles.
00:37:28.000 I hate that too, you step on a crumb.
00:37:30.000 Ugh.
00:37:30.000 Or, but with socks you'll step on a, you'll be in the bathroom, someone just had a shower and you step on a
00:37:36.000 I'll flip.
00:37:37.000 Yeah, I know.
00:37:38.000 I hate that.
00:37:39.000 I find Americans don't hate soakers as much as us Canadians do.
00:37:42.000 A soaker in Canada, that's our holocaust. 0.99
00:37:46.000 It's unspeakable. 0.51
00:37:48.000 I hate my, yeah, when you step in a puddle with a sock, you're like, uh, I'm looking for a shotgun. 1.00
00:37:53.000 Americans don't even, well, your whole day's fucked now. 0.99
00:37:56.000 Shoes take at least 24 hours to dry. 0.98
00:37:59.000 And if you're walking around Ottawa, Canada in the winter and just kaboomk into something you thought was a small puddle and you feel it pour into your boot, not only are you cold, but it hurts and it's uncomfortable for the rest of the day.
00:38:13.000 Now you've got to walk around the office with one boot on.
00:38:16.000 And then I talk to Americans and they're like, what are you talking about a soaker? 1.00
00:38:19.000 I go, you know, the thing that ruins your entire day and they go, oh, when your foot gets wet, I don't know what you mean.
00:38:25.000 It's a weird thing.
00:38:26.000 Maybe it's like living in a cold place, but even Midwesterners, they have the same weather that we had up in Canada and they don't seem to talk about soakers. 1.00
00:38:34.000 Another thing I've noticed about Americans and Canadians, we're very serious about our marshmallow roasting and Americans will just
00:38:42.000 Throw it on the fire and then burst into flames and they go, oh!
00:38:47.000 Burst into flames.
00:38:48.000 It's an art.
00:38:50.000 Like that's, that's like your steak bursting into flames and you can't eat it anymore.
00:38:54.000 You ruined it.
00:38:55.000 That's unwise.
00:38:56.000 Yeah.
00:38:56.000 I've always been angry at that too.
00:38:58.000 Cause it tastes like shit too. 1.00
00:38:59.000 It's like a burnt crust. 1.00
00:39:00.000 Well, they'll take off the carbon, throw that away and then just eat the hot goo. 0.99
00:39:03.000 Like they love cum or something. 1.00
00:39:05.000 What a bunch of fucks. 1.00
00:39:06.000 No, I don't do that. 1.00
00:39:07.000 You put it above the flame so it doesn't catch a flame. 0.97
00:39:10.000 We brown the outside until it looks like Denzel Washington, and then we remove that sheath, sort of like a guy who's had his penis dipped in liquid nitrogen, and then we recook the insides. 0.89
00:39:26.000 That's a true story, by the way. 0.99
00:39:28.000 What?
00:39:28.000 Oh, no, no, I don't want to hear that.
00:39:30.000 Good.
00:39:30.000 Okay.
00:39:32.000 So, back in the day, in Montreal, there was a lot of fornicating going on. 0.99
00:39:38.000 By the way, I got a letter from some Christian guy saying, all you're talking about premarital sex, it's just disturbing. 0.99
00:39:43.000 Why do you do that?
00:39:45.000 Let me make something clear.
00:39:48.000 I do think you won't get a happier couple than two young Catholics who waited till marriage and had sex with each other for the first time and started churning out kids. 0.98
00:40:00.000 That's the ideal scenario.
00:40:02.000 And that happens in the South, in some parts of the Midwest and Texas.
00:40:06.000 But in my world, and the people listening to this, we don't have that ideal. 0.98
00:40:11.000 So when I talk about premarital sex, I'm not saying go out there and bang all the chicks you can. 0.99
00:40:16.000 I'm saying, you're out there banging chicks. 1.00
00:40:18.000 It's just our world.
00:40:21.000 I'm not necessarily advocating it.
00:40:23.000 Same with all this drug use.
00:40:24.000 In fact, I was talking to a guy the other day, and he's like 45, and he's finally got a kid. 0.98
00:40:30.000 And I said to him, every time I talk to guys our age with kids, we always say the same thing, which is, why the fuck did I wait so long? 0.99
00:40:36.000 Women say it all the time, too. 1.00
00:40:39.000 You have one, and you go, these are cool, I wanna make two. 0.99
00:40:41.000 Then you have three, and you go, fuck, now I'm out of time, I'm not gonna have five. 0.99
00:40:46.000 Gotta start early, and I don't understand the argument for not having kids at 25. 1.00
00:40:51.000 You started stealing from your parents' liquor cabinet at 14.
00:40:55.000 That's 11 years of coke and threesomes.
00:40:58.000 What are you in?
00:40:59.000 Even Motley Crue got bored of it after a while.
00:41:03.000 Even like Def Leppard.
00:41:06.000 Def Leppard, they still tour, but they have wives now.
00:41:11.000 They're not interested in groupies.
00:41:13.000 How many chicks do you have to bang? 1.00
00:41:16.000 So anyway, what was I talking about with the sex? 0.99
00:41:20.000 Oh yeah, so there was a lot of fornicating and a lot of STDs. 0.92
00:41:24.000 I'm not a big condom guy. 1.00
00:41:26.000 Condoms are stupid. 1.00
00:41:28.000 Well, what if she can get pregnant? 1.00
00:41:30.000 Your condom's gonna rip. 1.00
00:41:32.000 Just don't cum in women, ever, if you don't want them to get pregnant. 1.00
00:41:35.000 Oh, I gotta cum in someone. 1.00
00:41:37.000 What? 0.99
00:41:38.000 That's Chris Cotton, the comedian.
00:41:39.000 He said that to me once. 0.99
00:41:41.000 He goes, I can't not cum in something. 0.99
00:41:44.000 Yes, you can. 0.99
00:41:45.000 I said to him, do you poo your pants, too?
00:41:48.000 Like, yes, it feels good, but there's consequences.
00:41:51.000 Don't wet yourself.
00:41:53.000 Says the guy who wets the bed on a regular basis.
00:41:58.000 And if there's venereal warts, the condom doesn't go all the way down. 1.00
00:42:02.000 It rides up a little bit and her pussy lips are going to touch the base of your dick. 1.00
00:42:06.000 You're going to get venereal warts down there. 1.00
00:42:08.000 So it doesn't really prevent anything.
00:42:11.000 The only way you're safe pregnancy-wise is if right before you jizz, you pull it out and feel it and make sure it didn't tear.
00:42:20.000 And you already pulled out, might as well just not go in there.
00:42:23.000 And plus you can make an art of it.
00:42:25.000 Do a painting.
00:42:27.000 Pearl necklaces.
00:42:27.000 There's a wide myriad of possibilities.
00:42:31.000 Anyway.
00:42:31.000 Puss-a-bullets.
00:42:34.000 I'm Mae West.
00:42:35.000 Mae West talking about jizzing.
00:42:37.000 Puss-a-bullets. 0.96
00:42:38.000 Hey, big boy.
00:42:40.000 Why don't you peel me a grape? 0.98
00:42:42.000 Why don't you jizz all over my back, big boy? 0.99
00:42:46.000 Mae West? 0.98
00:42:47.000 I looked her up.
00:42:48.000 Yeah, you know who that is?
00:42:51.000 Why don't you come up and see me sometime?
00:42:54.000 She was a sex symbol in the 30s, I think it was. 1.00
00:42:58.000 And she was a fucking pig. 1.00
00:43:03.000 As a kid, my mom would make Mae West jokes and stuff. 1.00
00:43:06.000 I guess because that's what she saw on the TV when she was a kid.
00:43:10.000 And I would do that imitation when I was like five.
00:43:13.000 But I looked her up recently.
00:43:14.000 And when you're a kid, you don't notice who's pretty or not.
00:43:18.000 You just go, she's a lady. 1.00
00:43:20.000 But she's hideous! 1.00
00:43:23.000 Look up Mae West, there she is. 1.00
00:43:25.000 She is a solid four. 0.99
00:43:29.000 By the way folks, and I'll get back to the Veneer Awards in a second, I don't like when people say one.
00:43:38.000 Oh yeah, she's a total one. 1.00
00:43:40.000 You have to have room at the bottom and the top.
00:43:42.000 I don't want to hear you call any woman a 10.
00:43:44.000 I called this hot woman in a bar an 8.6 the other night and she was super bummed. 1.00
00:43:51.000 I go, that's only one away basically from 10.
00:43:56.000 You think you're a 10?
00:43:58.000 And then the guy next to me goes, she's an 11.
00:44:01.000 All right, fine. 0.99
00:44:02.000 Let's fucking lie to her like she's six years old and tell her that she's a super girl too. 1.00
00:44:08.000 If you want to know what a one looks like, check out the founder of the Me Too movement. 0.99
00:44:14.000 I think her name is Tyrannosaurus?
00:44:19.000 No, her name is Tyranna. 0.96
00:44:20.000 Yeah.
00:44:21.000 Right?
00:44:21.000 What's her full name again?
00:44:23.000 Tyranna... Why aren't you feverishly looking stuff up?
00:44:25.000 What are you doing?
00:44:27.000 You're just looking at a picture of Mae West to Runenberg.
00:44:29.000 You're at work.
00:44:30.000 Her quotes. 1.00
00:44:32.000 She's such a dirty whore. 1.00
00:44:34.000 Like what'd she say? 1.00
00:44:35.000 She's the one who came up with it.
00:44:36.000 Is that a pencil in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 1.00
00:44:39.000 It's like shut up. 1.00
00:44:41.000 That's just another one. 0.96
00:44:42.000 That's a witty joke that has been made billions of times.
00:44:44.000 Billions, yeah.
00:44:45.000 So don't shut up.
00:44:46.000 I'm telling you.
00:44:48.000 You're mocking a really good line, and you say curb your punkthusiasm.
00:44:52.000 I'm not, I'm not Mae West, okay?
00:44:54.000 You're no Mae West, my friend.
00:44:56.000 When I'm good, I'm very, very good.
00:44:58.000 But when I'm bad, I'm better.
00:45:00.000 I think she was married to Al Capone.
00:45:08.000 Maybe I should watch my mouth. 0.97
00:45:11.000 Al Capone's great-grandson kills you for insulting his great-grandmother. 1.00
00:45:14.000 He's like another Rivera fucking with me. 1.00
00:45:16.000 By the way, Al, you're the top mobster in the world at a time when organized crime dominated everything, including politics, including the president. 0.99
00:45:26.000 JFK is dad. 0.88
00:45:28.000 Was a booze runner during Prohibition.
00:45:33.000 That's where he made all his money.
00:45:34.000 The Kennedys are rich off of gun running and booze running. 1.00
00:45:38.000 Actually, I just threw in gun running because I like that word.
00:45:40.000 But that's probably true.
00:45:42.000 But it's definitely true that it was booze running up from Canada, getting all the whiskey sent down.
00:45:47.000 So Al, you can do better than Mae West.
00:45:51.000 She's hideous. 1.00
00:45:55.000 I would fuck, if I fucked Mae West, I would consider myself a really nice, sweet guy. 1.00
00:46:01.000 Like I would look in the mirror the next day and go, that was really good of you, Gav. 1.00
00:46:04.000 To give her a shot at feeling like a human being for once.
00:46:08.000 Now, Tarana Burke, on the other hand, is... I don't think I could do that for any money. 1.00
00:46:14.000 She looks like she's in the Star Wars bar. 0.94
00:46:16.000 Her head, first of all, is three times the normal size of a head. 1.00
00:46:20.000 Her nose fits like it's like a Russian doll. 0.97
00:46:24.000 You could fit like five noses inside there, progressively smaller.
00:46:27.000 Oh! 0.93
00:46:27.000 She looks like a potato. 0.93
00:46:30.000 Who was the actor you said she looks like?
00:46:33.000 Ving Rhames?
00:46:34.000 No, it's the other one.
00:46:36.000 No, it was Ving Rhames.
00:46:37.000 No, there was another guy.
00:46:38.000 Marcellus?
00:46:39.000 Marcellus Wallace is Ving Rhames.
00:46:41.000 Marcellus Wallace is the character Ving Rhames plays in Pulp Fiction.
00:46:45.000 And it looks just like her.
00:46:47.000 We were joking yesterday because this woman's a black woman. 1.00
00:46:50.000 By the way, the reason she started Me Too, this is her horrible rape story. 1.00
00:46:54.000 When she was seven, she was roughhousing with some boys who were ten at someone's house. 0.95
00:46:59.000 And while they were play fighting, they ripped her shirt and one of her boobs came out. 1.00
00:47:03.000 And then she went to her mother crying and her mother said, what are you doing playing with boys in the first place? 0.69
00:47:08.000 You shouldn't be roughhousing with boys.
00:47:10.000 Those boys ran home crying too.
00:47:15.000 But I'm sorry Tyrannosaurus Rex, that's not really rape.
00:47:20.000 I don't know if you deserve to be the leader of the women are abused movement.
00:47:25.000 You were in an unfortunate situation when you're a kid and your mother lacked sympathy.
00:47:30.000 Not exactly gang rape town.
00:47:33.000 I think there's a few women out there that would be annoyed you were trivializing their experience. 0.99
00:47:38.000 Because Alyssa Milano thought she started Me Too. 1.00
00:47:43.000 And then Tarana Burke, who, by the way, KRS-One comes up when you Google image Tarana Burke.
00:47:51.000 Tarana couldn't pay somebody to look at her tit these days. 0.88
00:47:54.000 That's the sad part.
00:47:56.000 Yes, enough, Ryan. 0.99
00:47:58.000 But Alyssa Milano must... Because all the liberals are like, they see her and they go, yes, I know, it's terrible that us hot chicks keep getting our asses grabbed. 1.00
00:48:06.000 And then Toronto's sort of sitting next to him going, I know, it's terrible, isn't it, ladies? 1.00
00:48:11.000 And you can tell that secretly in their brains they're going, what the fuck is this bitch doing here? 1.00
00:48:17.000 Because women are cruel. 1.00
00:48:19.000 And they're very shallow for the most part. 0.99
00:48:23.000 Yes, you heard me.
00:48:24.000 Women tend to be more shallow than men. 1.00
00:48:26.000 Perfect example. 0.50
00:48:27.000 Take a 10-year-old boy with a brutal cleft palate and a 10-year-old girl with a brutal cleft palate.
00:48:34.000 Throw them into schools and check in on them in two months and see who has friends.
00:48:39.000 I guarantee you the boy with the cleft palate will be playing baseball at lunch and having inside jokes with his buddies and the girl with the cleft palate will have one really fat friend and they sit alone in the cafeteria and eat lunch.
00:48:55.000 Wow.
00:48:55.000 Sorry girls, that's the truth.
00:48:58.000 Anyway, so a lot of STDs, yeah, yeah, so the joke was, I don't know if I want to redo it, but we were just talking about Alyssa Milano listening to Tarana get up on stage and talk about how horrible it is to be molested and how she's not invited to any movie roles, obviously because people are scared she's going to me-too them and prosecute them.
00:49:18.000 Like Alyssa Milano can talk about being a sex object. 1.00
00:49:22.000 Tyrannosaurus cannot.
00:49:23.000 I don't know why they don't want to hire me.
00:49:26.000 They're afraid I'm gonna speak out.
00:49:28.000 Nope.
00:49:29.000 That's even close. 1.00
00:49:30.000 And you weren't raped, you fucking scam artist. 1.00
00:49:32.000 She's another Shawn King. 1.00
00:49:35.000 Anyway, we got a lot of STDs.
00:49:38.000 And they're no problem.
00:49:40.000 I never got a girl pregnant that I didn't want to. 1.00
00:49:43.000 And I got gonorrhea, which is just five pills, boom, it's gone.
00:49:47.000 I got herpes, which just breaks out like once.
00:49:51.000 It sucks when you first get it because there's a breakout every couple months.
00:49:54.000 But the breakouts keep doubling in time span.
00:49:56.000 So you have it one month, then it's two months.
00:49:59.000 Then it's four months the next one.
00:50:00.000 Before long you have a breakout, an outbreak every like five or six years. 0.99
00:50:05.000 Big fucking deal. 0.99
00:50:06.000 And by the way, everyone has herpes. 0.99
00:50:11.000 No.
00:50:11.000 Everyone.
00:50:12.000 No.
00:50:13.000 You don't have herpes?
00:50:14.000 No!
00:50:15.000 You never had a cold sore?
00:50:17.000 I've heard that whole thing.
00:50:18.000 That's to make people like you feel better.
00:50:20.000 People with herpes. 0.99
00:50:22.000 You have herpes, my friend.
00:50:24.000 Oral and genitalia are the same. 0.99
00:50:26.000 Doo-doo 69ing. 1.00
00:50:28.000 Doo-doo. 1.00
00:50:30.000 That's all I think of.
00:50:32.000 Wait, wait.
00:50:33.000 But what does it look like?
00:50:35.000 Does it itch?
00:50:35.000 Does it look bad?
00:50:36.000 Does it bleed?
00:50:37.000 It's like a zit that is infected. 0.99
00:50:39.000 I haven't had one on my dick since I don't know when. 1.00
00:50:42.000 Well, remind me not to touch your dick. 1.00
00:50:45.000 Yeah, next time you go down there, I'll just go, oh shit, that reminds me, you're not supposed to go down there. 1.00
00:50:50.000 Oh, thank gosh. 0.99
00:50:51.000 Oh, phew.
00:50:53.000 Then you take it out of your mouth.
00:50:55.000 Thank God. 1.00
00:50:59.000 Yeah, that's the argument I always use, by the way, that shows you're born gay. 1.00
00:51:03.000 Uh, here's me sucking my first dick. 1.00
00:51:07.000 Okay. 1.00
00:51:08.000 Uh,
00:51:11.000 Sorry, hold on, hold on.
00:51:15.000 Okay, you got it?
00:51:16.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:51:17.000 Here's me sucking my millionth dick. 1.00
00:51:23.000 Okay, sorry, sorry, hold on, hold on. 1.00
00:51:26.000 Okay, okay, here we go, here we go.
00:51:31.000 And that's not even an approach.
00:51:32.000 It's just an approach.
00:51:33.000 It's not an acquired taste. 0.81
00:51:35.000 If you think being gay is something that's learned, go give it a spin. 1.00
00:51:40.000 Go try it out and get back to me. 1.00
00:51:44.000 Now, I'm sure there's women that have been molested so severely by some creepy uncle that dicks give them nightmares and they just figure, I guess I can horse around with a chick. 1.00
00:51:53.000 Sure, maybe. 0.99
00:51:54.000 A percentage. 0.99
00:51:56.000 But you're born gay, and as Margaret Cho says, if you think gay is something you can learn, then you're gay. 0.97
00:52:04.000 If you think it's like heroin and you'll do it a bunch of times and get addicted, then you think it's really, really good. 1.00
00:52:10.000 Even if you're a straight man, you don't fuck grannies because they're women. 1.00
00:52:15.000 Like, you have boundaries within your straightness. 0.99
00:52:18.000 You're gonna step outside of that.
00:52:20.000 Go to that.
00:52:20.000 Although, of course, there's the million dollar question.
00:52:24.000 Would you rather fuck that butch, dyke, weirdo who cut off her tits and has a beard and looks exactly like a tough man, biff naked or something like that, but has a vagina, or a tranny like Blair White, who is a very attractive woman, but has a dinker doodle? 1.00
00:52:43.000 Blair Tranny? 1.00
00:52:43.000 I know who you're talking about. 1.00
00:52:44.000 Blair something.
00:52:46.000 Blair White, isn't it?
00:52:47.000 No.
00:52:50.000 Oh wait, there's that one.
00:52:51.000 No, Bailey J was the one that they were talking about.
00:52:53.000 You're right, right.
00:52:54.000 I changed it up.
00:52:55.000 Oh, okay.
00:52:55.000 I'm not... That's the only tranny I know.
00:52:57.000 You don't know Blair White?
00:52:58.000 I had her on my show a million times. 0.75
00:52:59.000 She's conservative.
00:53:00.000 Oh, I do remember her now.
00:53:01.000 You may want to check out my show at some point if you're going to be engineering.
00:53:04.000 I don't remember your guests' names.
00:53:06.000 Okay. 1.00
00:53:07.000 Anyway, just answer the fucking question. 1.00
00:53:08.000 Uh, I'd rather... 1.00
00:53:11.000 Step that one out and... It's not an option.
00:53:15.000 I have your grandmother at gunpoint. 1.00
00:53:17.000 So a woman that looks like a man or a man that looks just like a woman? 0.78
00:53:20.000 Yeah.
00:53:22.000 The one that looks like a woman. 1.00
00:53:24.000 What would you pick?
00:53:25.000 You would pick the guy?
00:53:26.000 I'd pick the guy.
00:53:27.000 You'd pick the chick that looks like a guy? 1.00
00:53:29.000 Yeah.
00:53:30.000 The chick that looks like a guy? 0.99
00:53:31.000 Yep.
00:53:32.000 Huh.
00:53:33.000 Because... So I'm fucking this chick with no tits and a beard and tattoos and big muscles, right? 1.00
00:53:40.000 But now I go to bed at night as the man who's fucked the ugliest woman in the world. 1.00
00:53:45.000 Okay, can I change my answer? 1.00
00:53:46.000 I'd rather be that than the guy who fucked the prettiest man in the world. 1.00
00:53:51.000 Cause I've still only fucked women. 1.00
00:53:52.000 You fucked a dude. 1.00
00:53:53.000 But you just did it for aesthetic. 1.00
00:53:54.000 You did it for... You're a fag. 1.00
00:53:55.000 No, you just did it for your aesthetic. 1.00
00:53:57.000 No, I did it for how I would feel for the rest of my life.
00:53:59.000 Oh.
00:54:00.000 And I would have a good story too. 1.00
00:54:01.000 Like they go, oh, I fucked this really ugly fat chick. 1.00
00:54:03.000 And I go, yeah, uh, put down your beer, my friend. 1.00
00:54:07.000 I've fucked a woman way uglier than you could ever imagine. 1.00
00:54:10.000 Oh. 1.00
00:54:11.000 Does that make him, her, it a one?
00:54:15.000 Wait a minute.
00:54:16.000 Blaire White looks like an attractive woman, but she's not. 1.00
00:54:19.000 She's a very pretty, pretty man.
00:54:22.000 In other words, I think she's a one.
00:54:23.000 He's a one.
00:54:25.000 On the female scale or the male scale? 0.73
00:54:27.000 You're on the male scale. 0.96
00:54:28.000 You're a man.
00:54:29.000 But you're a one as far as a man. 0.95
00:54:31.000 Well, you can't be anything as far as a woman. 0.97
00:54:33.000 You're not a woman. 1.00
00:54:34.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:54:35.000 So that guy with the cunt is a one and Blair is a one. 1.00
00:54:39.000 Sorry, sweetie. 1.00
00:54:40.000 I like her.
00:54:41.000 She's a cool per- he's a cool per- whatever.
00:54:44.000 Anyway, I've got to get this Vanilla Wart story out.
00:54:46.000 So, um, they're all just pills and they're all no problem.
00:54:50.000 Don't worry about it, folks.
00:54:51.000 Don't use condoms.
00:54:52.000 But, uh,
00:54:55.000 Well, what if I'm a girl?
00:54:58.000 The condom's gonna break.
00:54:59.000 He might lie. 1.00
00:55:00.000 So don't have sex with someone where you think they're gonna cum in you. 1.00
00:55:05.000 You're having sex with someone who's retarded. 1.00
00:55:09.000 And that's not gonna bode well. 1.00
00:55:12.000 I never really understood that, guys who jizz in girls. 1.00
00:55:16.000 How stupid are you? 1.00
00:55:18.000 Do you also just breeze through red lights because it feels good and you want to get home early? 1.00
00:55:22.000 I don't get it.
00:55:24.000 Anyway.
00:55:27.000 So what they would do with venereal warts, which were rampant in Montreal in the early 90s, is they had this little can.
00:55:34.000 It looked like that thing that you clean your keyboard with, but it would... It would just spray out a microbe, a microscopic amount of liquid nitrogen.
00:55:46.000 And it hurt like a pinprick.
00:55:47.000 It wasn't that bad.
00:55:49.000 Oh, by the way, here's another good STD tip.
00:55:52.000 If you just go in there and go, I think I might have gonorrhea, uh, they take a wood Q-tip, put it down your urethra, turn it and pull it out.
00:56:03.000 Dude, it feels like someone's removing your eyeball. 0.99
00:56:05.000 It is so fucking painful that you panic. 0.98
00:56:10.000 Like you start screaming. 1.00
00:56:12.000 So what you do is you go in there and you go, hi, I had sex with a virgin and she has gonorrhea. 0.99
00:56:17.000 Ergo, I'm 100% positive I have gonorrhea. 0.97
00:56:19.000 So they give you the antibiotics.
00:56:21.000 Now, if you don't have gonorrhea and you take those antibiotics, you know what happens?
00:56:25.000 Nothing.
00:56:26.000 So why bother?
00:56:28.000 So, and same with chlamydia.
00:56:30.000 Just say you have it.
00:56:32.000 So those are the main ones you're going to get.
00:56:34.000 Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and then venereal warts. 0.98
00:56:38.000 They suck. 0.83
00:56:38.000 That's the liquid nitrogen. 0.83
00:56:39.000 Although, I just remembered that it's called the human papillomavirus and they have a cure now.
00:56:44.000 You can take these pills in advance and then you're immune to them.
00:56:47.000 So I guess this whole point is moot.
00:56:50.000 Same with Hep C, by the way.
00:56:51.000 I'm immune to Hep C. Did I ever tell you that story?
00:56:54.000 No.
00:56:54.000 That's a good story too.
00:56:55.000 Was it the bleeding skull thing?
00:56:57.000 Bleeding head?
00:56:58.000 A homeless person?
00:56:59.000 No.
00:57:00.000 Okay.
00:57:02.000 So he sprained my venereal warts and I'm embarrassed to say that it was getting, I was getting to know him, I was there so regularly.
00:57:11.000 It was at a clinic called Clinique Alternative. 0.99
00:57:15.000 I don't know what was alternative about it but it was in the gay village and occasionally you'd go in there and there'd be a guy bawling his eyes out, I guess because he had fucking AIDS. 0.99
00:57:23.000 So it had a pallor about it, like a funeral home. 0.98
00:57:26.000 But anyway, I go in there and I go, I guess this is pretty bad, eh?
00:57:29.000 And he goes, no, I've seen much worse.
00:57:32.000 He said, it's really a serious epidemic.
00:57:36.000 He said, I used to go through one of these cans like once a year.
00:57:39.000 Now I go through one of them maybe every few days.
00:57:44.000 Like he would buy a six pack of liquid nitrogen and just be blasting dicks and buttholes. 1.00
00:57:49.000 The gays were obviously way worse than us, and this one guy had so many venereal warts, it was like he had a bag of popcorn stuck up his ass. 1.00
00:57:59.000 Like, the venereal warts, they were, he had venereal warts on his venereal warts, so it looked like, it honestly looked like a thousand mini cauliflowers were in his butthole. 1.00
00:58:10.000 Oh my god. 0.99
00:58:11.000 So he said, I had to give him a colostomy bag, and just blast his ass to smithereens so he couldn't use it. 1.00
00:58:19.000 That wasn't his exact verbiage. 1.00
00:58:21.000 And then he told me about another guy whose entire penis was a hundred percent covered in venereal warts. 0.99
00:58:30.000 Just not visible to the human eye. 0.99
00:58:32.000 Guess what you do to that guy?
00:58:34.000 What?
00:58:36.000 Well, if you have a marshmallow that you could burn, I could show you.
00:58:40.000 Ah, dude.
00:58:41.000 This is the same doctor.
00:58:42.000 He told me this.
00:58:43.000 He didn't use the spray gun.
00:58:45.000 He had liquid nitrogen in like a cup, right?
00:58:50.000 Steel cup, because it'll freeze plastic and it will shatter. 0.99
00:58:54.000 And then he dipped the guy's penis in the cup. 1.00
00:58:58.000 100% froze his cock. 1.00
00:59:03.000 Like a burnt marshmallow. 1.00
00:59:05.000 And then... Dude.
00:59:14.000 Removed the sheath.
00:59:16.000 So all that remains was Freddy Krueger's face.
00:59:20.000 Just like flesh.
00:59:22.000 Just raw skin.
00:59:25.000 What's wrong with you?
00:59:27.000 What do you mean?
00:59:28.000 Why would you say that?
00:59:30.000 That's not even... I'm telling you medical facts.
00:59:32.000 I could say this on primetime television.
00:59:34.000 I could say this on CBS News.
00:59:37.000 Right? 1.00
00:59:37.000 If my dick was 100% covered in venereal warts, my wall would be 100% covered with my brain matter. 1.00
00:59:43.000 Well, fuck you. 1.00
00:59:45.000 It's only an uncomfortable month. 1.00
00:59:46.000 I'm out of this world.
00:59:46.000 Oh, bro.
00:59:47.000 Adults get circumcised. 0.67
00:59:48.000 That's apparently unspeakable pain. 0.62
00:59:51.000 Blah.
00:59:52.000 That makes me shiver way more than having your burnt marshmallow removed. 0.78
00:59:56.000 My friend had a circumcision when he was about 18.
00:59:59.000 And it was a big deal.
01:00:01.000 And he was very humble about it. 1.00
01:00:03.000 Stupid move. 1.00
01:00:04.000 That's dumb doctors. 1.00
01:00:04.000 Very sad. 1.00
01:00:06.000 That's Muslim doctors, Jewish doctors, American Christian doctors.
01:00:11.000 They all have grown up thinking it has to be done.
01:00:14.000 British doctors would never do that.
01:00:16.000 I had a Muslim doctor tell me I had to be circumcised when I tore my frenulum.
01:00:20.000 And I just said, no!
01:00:22.000 In fact, if you look up Anal Chinook on YouTube, you can see us singing a song about it called, No, Don't Take My Foreskin, where we wrote a song about the whole ordeal where I just exercised and exercised and stretched it in the bath.
01:00:34.000 Stretched it in the bath.
01:00:36.000 You can fix it.
01:00:37.000 It's just skin.
01:00:39.000 But these doctors that have grown up in the culture of circumcision just go, no, cut it off.
01:00:44.000 It has to go. 1.00
01:00:45.000 It's stupid anyway. 0.99
01:00:46.000 It's like an appendix. 1.00
01:00:47.000 No, it's not. 1.00
01:00:48.000 It's a crucial part of your penis. 1.00
01:00:51.000 Sex is designed for a foreskin, by the way. 1.00
01:00:54.000 Why are you taking calls during a podcast? 0.98
01:00:58.000 Why are you getting up?
01:01:02.000 It's not gonna come up on the mics. 0.99
01:01:04.000 The beauty of a foreskin, design-wise, is you put the foreskin forward, touch it at the gate of the vagina, and then just push, the foreskin recedes and the penis is in. 0.97
01:01:16.000 You don't need lube or anything. 0.97
01:01:20.000 It's a smart design! 1.00
01:01:22.000 And you have more nerve endings on the head of your penis. 1.00
01:01:25.000 Because it's not smashing into an underwear all day. 1.00
01:01:28.000 Into a underwear.
01:01:29.000 I heard that.
01:01:31.000 Alright, we're out of time.
01:01:33.000 Didn't do a lot of letters.
01:01:34.000 I have to briefly tell you this story about being immune to Hep C. I probably was never going to have a problem with Hep C, but I knew so many junkies that... I knew so many junkies that what?
01:01:48.000 Oh junkies get hep C all the time from sharing needles and it's curable too now! 1.00
01:01:54.000 Fuck I'm old. 0.99
01:01:55.000 I've been telling stories about venereal warts and hep C and they're both curable now. 1.00
01:02:00.000 Now the problem with Hep C is it costs $80,000, the cure.
01:02:04.000 And it's these pills that are basically chemotherapy pills. 0.98
01:02:08.000 And they just kill the Hep C. Isn't that fucking incredible? 0.97
01:02:11.000 Can we get a shout out please? 0.98
01:02:12.000 I'm so busy, every time I check the news they're talking about some woman scientist or some female mathematician who sort of helped on some project and she's the face of it. 0.95
01:02:23.000 Like that picture of the black hole.
01:02:25.000 There was one chick sort of involved and it became that movie Hidden Figures all over again.
01:02:30.000 We had to talk about this.
01:02:31.000 Women are rocking it! 1.00
01:02:33.000 Women and science, yeah! 1.00
01:02:35.000 How about the guy who cured Hep C? 0.99
01:02:38.000 Why isn't he on a fucking t-shirt? 0.99
01:02:41.000 Or Norman Borlaug, who saved a billion lives with genetically modified corn? 0.99
01:02:46.000 No, we gotta put Che Guevara on a shirt? 0.99
01:02:48.000 Che Guevara shot fags in the head. 1.00
01:02:51.000 He put them on their knees and shot them because he hated gays. 1.00
01:02:54.000 He hated black people, thought they were inferior. 1.00
01:02:57.000 He murdered 3,000 people. 1.00
01:02:59.000 Personally.
01:03:00.000 At gunpoint.
01:03:02.000 It was one of his favorite things.
01:03:02.000 And he loved it.
01:03:04.000 Lining up people and shooting them in the back of the head. 0.97
01:03:06.000 Because he never had a childhood because he had asthma. 0.98
01:03:11.000 So that was his childhood. 0.99
01:03:13.000 Murdering homosexuals. 1.00
01:03:14.000 And you have them on your fucking t-shirt. 1.00
01:03:16.000 Fuck you! 1.00
01:03:18.000 But anyway. 1.00
01:03:19.000 So I, for some reason, I just thought, well, it's a deadly disease. 0.99
01:03:22.000 It really sucks. 0.97
01:03:24.000 A bunch of my friends are getting it. 0.99
01:03:25.000 I should probably get cured.
01:03:27.000 So I called up the clinic.
01:03:29.000 This is free healthcare in Montreal.
01:03:31.000 And I said, Hey, I'm, uh, I want to get that hep C cure.
01:03:36.000 And they go, okay.
01:03:37.000 Um, how old are you?
01:03:39.000 And they go, I'm 25.
01:03:40.000 And they say, yeah, it's actually for 23 and under.
01:03:44.000 They were trying to curb it cause it probably cost them money.
01:03:46.000 Right?
01:03:47.000 Like remember when everyone thought they had AIDS in the eighties, you'd go to your doctor and you're, you know, a middle-class white suburban kid who's never seen a gay or, or a heroin needle and you want an AIDS test and they probably cost the state like 3000 bucks.
01:04:01.000 So eventually doctors were saying, yeah, uh, you don't have AIDS and trying to discourage you from checking.
01:04:07.000 Right?
01:04:08.000 So,
01:04:10.000 I was checking, uh, uh, wait, what am I talking about?
01:04:13.000 You just distract me by doing other work.
01:04:16.000 Um, the Hep C thing.
01:04:20.000 So I called them up and they said, no.
01:04:23.000 So then I did a trick.
01:04:25.000 I've talked about this before.
01:04:26.000 If you want to get on a flight and sit next to your friend and they, they're sitting, seating you in different seats, act severely handicapped and they'll put you together with your friend cause they don't want you to bother someone else. 0.96
01:04:37.000 Uh, there was a health plan called New York health and it was for entrepreneurs and it was 12,000 bucks a year for a whole family.
01:04:46.000 And, uh, I just left vice.
01:04:48.000 So I had no healthcare and I,
01:04:52.000 The name Gavin McInnes isn't necessarily white.
01:04:54.000 Gavin is a weird name to a lot of people, especially Puerto Ricans who's on the phone at the New York Health Clinic.
01:05:01.000 So I would call up and speak in Ebonics and say, hello, basically what I'm trying to do, if you will, is obtain New York Health at this time.
01:05:13.000 And I went through, no problem, sir.
01:05:17.000 Filling out forms for me.
01:05:19.000 Zoom.
01:05:20.000 So those are both pretty unethical, but this one I don't really feel bad about.
01:05:23.000 So I called the clinic back a few hours later and I said, Hi, I'm calling like I have, I want to get the Hep C thing.
01:05:31.000 Uh, yes.
01:05:32.000 Can you come in now?
01:05:34.000 Okay.
01:05:35.000 How old are you?
01:05:35.000 25.
01:05:35.000 Yeah, no problem.
01:05:37.000 No, wait, I'm making them gay. 1.00
01:05:39.000 No problem. 0.99
01:05:39.000 Come on in. 0.99
01:05:40.000 Come on in.
01:05:41.000 So I would go to the clinic and I was dressed a little gayer than usual, had a white windbreaker on.
01:05:47.000 And I go, hi, I'm here for like the shots or whatever. 0.97
01:05:53.000 I was a really annoying homosexual. 0.91
01:05:55.000 Dude, I didn't have to wait in line at all. 0.94
01:05:57.000 There's all these people waiting, sitting in chairs.
01:06:00.000 They whisk me to the front of the line.
01:06:02.000 I get the shot within 30 seconds.
01:06:04.000 And the way it goes is you sit, you get two shots that are like a week from each other.
01:06:10.000 Then you wait six months and then you get the third one.
01:06:13.000 Something like that, right?
01:06:14.000 It's a few quick ones and then a break. 0.90
01:06:18.000 So for every single time I go to get the shot, I'm whisked to the front line because I'm a gay.
01:06:24.000 And then on the last one, I sit down and they go, okay, you're done now. 0.85
01:06:28.000 You're immune. 1.00
01:06:29.000 You can never get hep C. You could drink a fucking bucket of hep C and you'd be cool. 1.00
01:06:33.000 And then this is the weird part. 0.99
01:06:35.000 They sat me down in another room and they showed me a VHS tape. 1.00
01:06:39.000 This is 1995 about eating ass. 1.00
01:06:44.000 And how dangerous it is and how shit play is really bad and can lead to a lot of diseases like Hep C. So I had to sit down and watch a 20 minute infomercial about men's butts. 1.00
01:06:59.000 And I couldn't say, yeah, I had kind of assumed this was true. 0.99
01:07:04.000 I don't really need to watch this.
01:07:06.000 Thanks very much.
01:07:08.000 Um, lucky you.
01:07:09.000 Yeah, that ending was, I got to work on the ending of that story.
01:07:13.000 It kind of peters out.
01:07:15.000 Peter. 1.00
01:07:18.000 Uh, well it's, but it's, it actually is kind of informative because you can, a lot of guys will eat a woman's ass, especially a 25 year old guy living in Montreal. 0.99
01:07:27.000 Right. 1.00
01:07:28.000 And I'm, but women don't shit. 1.00
01:07:30.000 Hmm. 1.00
01:07:33.000 I hate to break it to you, but I've heard rumors that fat girls shit. 1.00
01:07:40.000 Ugly girls shit. 1.00
01:07:40.000 Ugly nerd shit. 1.00
01:07:42.000 Lesbians shit. 1.00
01:07:43.000 Real women don't shit. 1.00
01:07:45.000 That's where bubblegum comes from. 1.00
01:07:46.000 They have a piece of bubblegum that comes out once a month.
01:07:48.000 There's an Archie comic wrapped around it.
01:07:50.000 You'll notice, you'll see guys with jackets on going to various homes in the suburbs with a large bucket and they'll have the Double Bubble or Bubble Yum logo on their jackets.
01:07:59.000 That's a factory worker picking up, you know, a year's supply.
01:08:04.000 Hmm.
01:08:05.000 Yeah, you know when you watch baseball games and you see those big buckets of gum behind them in the in the dugout?
01:08:11.000 Yes.
01:08:12.000 That's from women's bathrooms. 1.00
01:08:13.000 Yeah.
01:08:14.000 And they shred it or it comes out like that?
01:08:16.000 It comes out in a perfect cube.
01:08:17.000 And they have to shred it up for Big League Chew?
01:08:19.000 For Big League Chew they'll shred it up but usually they just keep it as they get it.
01:08:23.000 Wrap it up in wax paper and put it in a bag.
01:08:25.000 In a comic book?
01:08:26.000 A little comic?
01:08:27.000 That, they would use a steamroller, and they would steamroll entire mountains of it, and then cut it into little rectangles.
01:08:36.000 Oh yeah, I saw that episode of How It's Made.
01:08:39.000 The weirdest thing about that is, big gum eaters will still go to the gum store even if they're married to a woman.
01:08:45.000 Like, my wife has never given me any of her bubble gum.
01:08:49.000 I think it's maybe...
01:08:49.000 Yeah, that is a shame.
01:08:52.000 I think you're not supposed to have a friend or a lover or someone close to use bubblegum.
01:08:58.000 Yeah, they owe it to the state.
01:08:59.000 You have to get it to the state first and then they... Yeah, that's why women pay less tax. 1.00
01:08:59.000 It's like inbreeding. 1.00
01:09:04.000 Because they've already paid their bubblegum tax. 0.98
01:09:07.000 From their bum bums. 0.59
01:09:07.000 Right. 0.59
01:09:09.000 Yes.
01:09:10.000 Bumblegum tax.
01:09:12.000 That's not as bad as punk enthusiasm.
01:09:14.000 That one I felt good about.
01:09:15.000 Yeah.
01:09:15.000 All right.
01:09:17.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00
01:09:17.000 That's it. 1.00
01:09:19.000 I almost forgot our sponsor. 0.99
01:09:22.000 Holy shit. 0.98
01:09:23.000 Who has been very good to us. 0.99
01:09:26.000 And I am almost back at zero.
01:09:30.000 I lost some money on, uh, on the Mets, but they've been playing pretty well.
01:09:40.000 So, uh, now I'm doing well.
01:09:44.000 Sorry.
01:09:44.000 I was digging up the doohickey.
01:09:48.000 Um,
01:09:50.000 So I don't use my sports knowledge when I bet.
01:09:53.000 I just bet.
01:09:55.000 And it turns out, peachy keen.
01:09:59.000 But, no, I just bet, sorry, that wasn't a very good read.
01:10:02.000 I just bet on the Mets because they're my team and I take the loss because I'm a very loyal dude.
01:10:06.000 I would never bet against my team no matter what the odds were.
01:10:08.000 But you shouldn't bet like that.
01:10:10.000 You should use your sports knowledge to make some extra cash this week.
01:10:14.000 Go to betdsi.com slash Gavin
01:10:18.000 And deposit money and they will double it.
01:10:24.000 More so.
01:10:25.000 If you go to betdsi.com slash Gavin, they offer online wagering and they've been paying winners for 20 years.
01:10:30.000 So use that link to deposit with credit card or Bitcoin and get 100% bonus.
01:10:34.000 New members get 100% bonus match using promo code Gavin.
01:10:42.000 That's more than double your money to start winning today.
01:10:44.000 Also, by using that code GAVIN, you will automatically be granted a free $25 wager.
01:10:52.000 BetTSI offers betting options for everything.
01:10:54.000 Bet on fighting, NBA, March Madness, NFL, NHL, NCAA, football, and all other major sports.
01:11:02.000 Politics, reality TV, eSports, virtually everything.
01:11:06.000 Boxing.
01:11:07.000 They have a very friendly user interface and mobile site.
01:11:10.000 BetTSI has the fastest payouts in the industry.
01:11:13.000 Simply play, win, and get paid.
01:11:16.000 Use code GAVIN and please put money in when you register.
01:11:20.000 Even just 25 bucks.
01:11:22.000 That's how this whole thing works.
01:11:23.000 We don't get no moolah. 0.99
01:11:26.000 Oh, now I'm using these fucking annoying words. 0.98
01:11:30.000 By the way, one thing I didn't mention about my grandfather, Johnny McGinnis. 0.98
01:11:34.000 Is when he was a bookie and he would take bets, he would adjust the odds in his head depending on how many people were betting.
01:11:43.000 So he was constantly tabulating the statistics of the payout as he was getting paid bets, right?
01:11:51.000 If a thousand people bet on one guy, then it's not going to be as valuable.
01:11:55.000 And so he was keeping that in mind and changing it perfectly accurately the entire time.
01:11:59.000 It's very complex mathematics.
01:12:01.000 My dad was a mathematician.
01:12:03.000 My dad went to, got a scholarship, but he was poor.
01:12:06.000 But you realize that back before people were allowed to go to college, you had a lot of geniuses in the working class.
01:12:15.000 Now, today we have the opposite problem where everyone is in college, including the dummies, and we have no working class left. 0.99
01:12:23.000 That's the opposite problem.
01:12:26.000 5% of people should go to college.
01:12:29.000 And being smart is not great.
01:12:33.000 It's this whole, like, you need to be educated.
01:12:35.000 No, you don't.
01:12:37.000 No, you don't.
01:12:38.000 You should know how to read.
01:12:39.000 I think that comes from the old days where you'd get a contract, and it would be bad for you, and you wouldn't know because you can't read.
01:12:47.000 Okay, that was a little while ago.
01:12:49.000 That's a good hundred years ago.
01:12:51.000 Now everyone can read.
01:12:52.000 Don't go to college. 0.99
01:12:53.000 It's a total waste of fucking money, unless you're going there for chemistry or something. 0.99
01:12:57.000 And I'll tell you what, even then I have a funny feeling, even in biochemistry, I bet that you'd be better off just being an intern at a lab and learning through there. 0.99
01:13:07.000 I bet you'd get way more information.
01:13:10.000 I mean, isn't the school's chemistry equipment going to be way less current than a successful biochem lab that is curing cancer today? 0.99
01:13:20.000 Isn't the free market enabling them to get stuff way faster than some stupid school? 0.98
01:13:28.000 Sorry guys, I got pissed off there. 0.99
01:13:30.000 Go to betdsi.com.
01:13:32.000 Thank you for tuning in.
01:13:33.000 And don't forget to go to defendgavin.com and throw some dough in the pot there.
01:13:37.000 We are at 97%, I believe.
01:13:41.000 Let me just double check that. 0.99
01:13:43.000 97% of the way to completely paying for fucking this lawsuit. 0.99
01:13:53.000 No, 96%. 0.99
01:13:53.000 240 grand. 0.99
01:13:56.000 We are 10 grand away from raising a quarter of a million dollars to destroy the SPLC and the SPLC is already falling through our fingers like sand.
01:14:09.000 No more president.
01:14:10.000 No more founder.
01:14:12.000 No more head of legal.
01:14:14.000 Then they get Tina Tchen in there, Michelle Obama's old chief of staff.
01:14:18.000 She'll redeem us.
01:14:20.000 She'll save our brand.
01:14:22.000 Nope.
01:14:22.000 Turns out Tina Tchen is the one who told Kim Fox to drop all the Jussie Smollett charges.
01:14:27.000 Because Michelle Obama likes empire.
01:14:32.000 So Michelle tells Tina to call Kim. 0.99
01:14:36.000 You notice seeing women in the workforce not really working out? 0.96
01:14:39.000 Great, is it?
01:14:40.000 And Kim, after recusing herself, says, yeah, we're gonna let Jussie go free.
01:14:45.000 So now Tina Tchen's name is mud because they want all those texts to get subpoenaed. 1.00
01:14:51.000 So even when the SPLC tries to get politically correct and save the day by hiring a female minority, they fuck themselves. 1.00
01:15:00.000 I'm really enjoying them watching them die. 1.00
01:15:02.000 I just wish I could get a little more credit. 0.86
01:15:05.000 I wish they'd curse me out more.
01:15:07.000 Not that I can get on Twitter and check, but... 1.00
01:15:09.000 I want SPLC ending because of that jerk Gavin McInnes who they fucked with a bunch of times and then he smoked them like a nuclear bomb. 1.00
01:15:20.000 Alright, bye. 1.00
01:15:20.000 I like you. 1.00