Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - #139 | So, superhero movies are ruined

00:00:00.000 So, superhero movies are ruined.

00:00:04.000 That's a thing that happened.

00:00:07.000 Now, Shazam was good. 0.66

00:00:10.000 And by the way, I'm a half a century old. 0.98

00:00:13.000 I don't give a fuck about superheroes, and you shouldn't either. 0.97

00:00:17.000 If you're old enough to hear this podcast, then you shouldn't be watching superhero movies. 0.99

00:00:24.000 Unless your wife needs a break and you want to take the kids off her hands and you're too lazy to go do good dad stuff like play catch and you just want to sit in a chair for a few hours.

00:00:35.000 So you take them to the superhero movies.

00:00:37.000 Actually, you have to take kids to every big new movie there is.

00:00:42.000 They're sold out for the first couple weeks, but then tickets are available.

00:00:45.000 But that's your job as a dad.

00:00:47.000 And there's about six or seven a year.

00:00:52.000 What's with Hollywood, by the way?

00:00:54.000 They're not releasing a lot of movies.

00:00:56.000 They have this giant factory called Hollywood.

00:01:01.000 Fox has a New York City on its block.

00:01:06.000 When you go to 20th Century Fox, they have a New York City street.

00:01:11.000 And it's about a block and a half long.

00:01:16.000 They could shoot a million movies there.

00:01:18.000 They have the infrastructure to do a movie a day, basically.

00:01:21.000 And they put out what?

00:01:23.000 Like, you check the new releases, there's like one every month or so.

00:01:29.000 What's going on, guys?

00:01:30.000 You're underachievers.

00:01:31.000 But anyway, you take your kids to all the movies, so that's why I know these superhero movies.

00:01:36.000 I would not go there if I was not a father.

00:01:40.000 I'm not a little kid who's getting bullied who fantasizes about fighting back and being a Spider-Man.

00:01:47.000 What a weird fantasy, too, being a Spider-Man. 0.68

00:01:53.000 I want to catch bad guys in my web and then slowly cocoon them and then over time just inject my fangs into their femoral artery and drink all their fluids as they rot.

00:02:08.000 Well, Spider-Man doesn't even do that. 0.96

00:02:11.000 Doesn't he do that?

00:02:12.000 No, he doesn't sink his teeth in anybody.

00:02:13.000 He doesn't drink the thieves bodily fluids?

00:02:17.000 No.

00:02:18.000 So he can feed his larvae?

00:02:20.000 No, he doesn't have larvae either.

00:02:22.000 Huh.

00:02:23.000 Well then he's not a spider-man.

00:02:25.000 Yeah.

00:02:27.000 He's spider-ish.

00:02:29.000 Spider-ish man.

00:02:30.000 Spider-ish man.

00:02:31.000 Has some traits similar to a spider, but not that many.

00:02:35.000 Basically just a web.

00:02:36.000 And he can move fast.

00:02:37.000 That's about it.

00:02:38.000 He's really just a fast, fast, fast guy who is really strong guy.

00:02:44.000 And he built a web shooting thing on his wrist!

00:02:48.000 Iron-ish man.

00:02:50.000 I have a suit made of iron, but there's also steel composite and alloy.

00:02:54.000 It's not even iron!

00:02:56.000 It's not.

00:02:57.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:02:57.000 He's not Iron Man.

00:02:58.000 He's Steel Man.

00:02:59.000 Yeah, he's whatever the hell.

00:03:00.000 He's Aluminum Alloy Man.

00:03:03.000 He's Polymer Man.

00:03:05.000 Are you Googling what is Iron Man's suit made out of? 1.00

00:03:07.000 The only time you do your job well is when you're looking up stupid kid shit like Iron Man's details. 1.00

00:03:16.000 In this clip, reactions assert that Iron Man's suit is most likely made of nickel-titanium alkyl- Imagine the fucking nerd who wrote that. 1.00

00:03:23.000 Yes, it's most likely nickel-titanium. 0.99

00:03:26.000 I am a nerd. 1.00

00:03:28.000 Nerds are losers. 1.00

00:03:29.000 They need to be bullied. 1.00

00:03:30.000 We need to bring back bullying.

00:03:33.000 By the way, superheroes are superfluous now because they were created to help the victims of bullying and we quote-unquote stamped out bullying.

00:03:42.000 Bullying is great. 1.00

00:03:45.000 I was bullied as a kid and I was a bully.

00:03:47.000 I tried both.

00:03:49.000 Neither were really my bag.

00:03:52.000 But it's part of being a kid.

00:03:55.000 Fighting solves everything.

00:03:57.000 Fighting is good.

00:03:59.000 I was watching on Reddit Public Freakout, there was some guy, they say racist attacked in a restaurant and among his epithets he called the guy monkey man.

00:04:09.000 I don't know if that was necessarily racial.

00:04:11.000 It's in a special song.

00:04:14.000 Big Monkey Man!

00:04:17.000 The beginning of a song.

00:04:19.000 Probably did mean it racially, but whatever. 0.95

00:04:21.000 And so the black guy's going to fight him and everyone's holding him back. 0.97

00:04:24.000 It's not worth it! 0.99

00:04:25.000 It's not worth it!

00:04:26.000 Dude, dude, just let it go.

00:04:27.000 Let it go.

00:04:28.000 It's not worth it.

00:04:28.000 What do you mean it's not worth it?

00:04:31.000 Go fight him. 0.94

00:04:32.000 He called you a monkey man. 1.00

00:04:34.000 Go beat him up. 1.00

00:04:36.000 And then some black woman comes and starts nailing him in the head, which doesn't hurt. 1.00

00:04:41.000 As we know, lady punches are like kid punches. 1.00

00:04:43.000 They're adorable.

00:04:47.000 And then everyone's cheering.

00:04:49.000 So we pretend that we're against violence. 0.99

00:04:52.000 We're against men fighting, but we like women fighting, which is why superhero movies suck. 1.00

00:04:57.000 Because we have these women kicking ass. 1.00

00:05:02.000 I just saw Endgame with my kids, and it is stupid, and they hated it. 1.00

00:05:09.000 They were bored shitless. 1.00

00:05:11.000 At one point, me and my daughter just left.

00:05:13.000 We went and played some video games.

00:05:15.000 The theater has an arcade.

00:05:17.000 We went and raced some motorcycles on a racing game. 0.98

00:05:21.000 And then I just blew two bucks on that fucking claw thing that I hate, where you never get the prize, but kids keep falling for it. 0.94

00:05:28.000 You go to arcades these days, and about a third of the games are the claw. 0.98

00:05:33.000 And the claw doesn't grip your toy.

00:05:36.000 It's just a rip-off. 1.00

00:05:38.000 It's ripping off stupid kids. 1.00

00:05:40.000 All kids are stupid, of course. 1.00

00:05:42.000 So it's ripping off kids. 1.00

00:05:44.000 Yeah, I never thought of that. 1.00

00:05:45.000 Stupid kid is redundant. 1.00

00:05:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:49.000 Like, if you say something stupid, like, what are you, a child? 1.00

00:05:51.000 Yeah, that's done. 1.00

00:05:54.000 One time I was with my friend Trace Crutchfield and he was wearing a three-piece suit.

00:05:59.000 He was in the punk scene in Austin as a kid, but there's that one dude in the punk scene who wears like a sweater and slacks and doesn't have any tattoos and never dyed his hair.

00:06:09.000 He likes the music and moshing and the guys, but he doesn't like the look.

00:06:14.000 They represent .01% of the punk movement.

00:06:17.000 I knew one of those, too.

00:06:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:18.000 And they love moshing and everything in their Christmas sweater and their penny loafers.

00:06:23.000 So he was that guy.

00:06:24.000 And he still is.

00:06:26.000 And we were at this disgusting bar called Mars Bar, which was on 2nd and 2nd.

00:06:30.000 It's gone now.

00:06:31.000 I think it's a bank now.

00:06:32.000 It's the only place I've ever seen roaches in a toilet.

00:06:36.000 Oof.

00:06:37.000 Roaches running around inside the bowl.

00:06:40.000 You don't like roaches?

00:06:41.000 No.

00:06:42.000 I have a visceral reaction every time.

00:06:43.000 Really?

00:06:44.000 You know what I would like to do? 1.00

00:06:44.000 I'd like to go to a gynecologist, get his clamps, put them in your pussy, separate your vagina so it's held open, and then feed in millipedes and cockroaches and water bugs until your pussy was bursting at the seams. 1.00

00:07:00.000 You catch me on Wednesday night at around 8pm, you don't have to do that whole first part. 1.00

00:07:06.000 It's part of my routine. 0.94

00:07:08.000 That joke sucked. 1.00

00:07:09.000 Shit. 1.00

00:07:10.000 What went wrong with that? 1.00

00:07:11.000 You jumped on my joke.

00:07:13.000 You took my funny visual and then you just said, yeah, I do that on Wednesdays.

00:07:17.000 That's not funny.

00:07:18.000 That's horrific.

00:07:19.000 Yeah, sometimes it's called a horror joke. 1.00

00:07:22.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:07:25.000 It's a new genre. 1.00

00:07:28.000 Spooky laughs!

00:07:30.000 On Get Off My Lawn! 1.00

00:07:32.000 Want to have some spooky laughs?

00:07:35.000 I love that.

00:07:36.000 Horror jokes.

00:07:37.000 I'm gonna write a horror joke tomorrow on the next podcast. 0.99

00:07:40.000 So shut up. 1.00

00:07:41.000 So Trace and I are there and I look alternative at the time so I'm blending in. 0.99

00:07:48.000 It's a lot of punk rockers at this bar.

00:07:50.000 This by the way is not a long time ago.

00:07:52.000 I'm talking like 2003 and 0.99

00:07:58.000 These dumb punks are so retarded that they think the man is at the bar. 1.00

00:08:03.000 We're in New York City, dumbass. 1.00

00:08:06.000 The man isn't even in the entire Triborough area. 0.99

00:08:12.000 There's no man in New York City.

00:08:14.000 What do you think, he's a square? 0.84

00:08:16.000 He's gonna oppress you. 1.00

00:08:19.000 So they're giving him shit. 0.99

00:08:21.000 Like, what are you doing here? 1.00

00:08:23.000 What are we, in a fucking biker movie from the 60s? 0.99

00:08:27.000 And so they're harassing him. 0.99

00:08:29.000 And Trace is a brawler. 0.99

00:08:32.000 So one guy gets, is sort of shoving him and trying to make him uncomfortable by elbowing him, which is a really pussy, passive aggressive thing to do. 1.00

00:08:40.000 If you're going to fight someone, just fight them. 0.98

00:08:41.000 Don't elbow them.

00:08:43.000 And Trace just turns around, grabs a guy by the neck and picks him up like the Hulk.

00:08:48.000 Now he's not off the ground a lot, but he did leave the ground a couple of times. 0.99

00:08:53.000 And he picks the guy up, and he walks him outside, and he holds him up against the wall, and he goes, what are you doing, you fucking child? 0.98

00:09:02.000 And all his buddies, the punk's buddies, come out to have his back, which involves just standing there, mouth agape, at this neck assault. 0.98

00:09:14.000 And then Trace drops him and lets him fall.

00:09:18.000 And he laughs at him, and we walk away.

00:09:21.000 And as we're walking away, the guy's like holding his neck and rubbing his neck, and his friends are staring at him, his badass punk friends.

00:09:27.000 They're probably all rich kids from Long Island.

00:09:29.000 And his rebuttal, just as we're basically out of earshot, I hear him go, who calls anyone a child?

00:09:39.000 That was his fiery comeback.

00:09:42.000 You know what happened there?

00:09:43.000 I'll get back to superheroes in a second. 0.97

00:09:44.000 You wanna hear a fuckin' freaky? 0.96

00:09:46.000 A few, yeah. 0.73

00:09:47.000 So, also at Mars Bar, we're, uh, I can't remember why we're outside.

00:09:53.000 There was a cool gay bar there that was called The Hole.

00:09:58.000 And it was $3 beers in Manhattan, in the East Village.

00:10:02.000 So, uh, we took it over.

00:10:05.000 We gentrified it.

00:10:06.000 We colonized it.

00:10:08.000 And you know who was pissed? 0.99

00:10:10.000 Was the fags. 1.00

00:10:11.000 Because they had their spot, and they could go and blow each other, and then all these fucking hipsters showed up, and you'd see them scowling at you. 1.00

00:10:20.000 They were so mad that we took over their bar. 0.98

00:10:25.000 It was such a fun bar, too.

00:10:27.000 It all started with this dude, Spencer Sweeney, who was DJing there, and we'd go to hear his rockin' tunes, and the next thing you know, we had straightified a gay bar.

00:10:35.000 It's called The Cubby Hole.

00:10:36.000 Is that the full name?

00:10:37.000 No, it's called The Hole.

00:10:38.000 It was on Second and Second.

00:10:39.000 It was right next to a phenomenally gay bar called The Urge.

00:10:43.000 And one time, the bathrooms were full because people were doing coke.

00:10:46.000 And I was with Wendy Mullen and some skater guy named Tino, I think.

00:10:55.000 And I said, let's just go piss at the bar next door. 1.00

00:10:57.000 And they go, it's like a super-duper gay bar. 1.00

00:10:59.000 And I go, it's like a super-duper gay bar. 1.00

00:11:02.000 Come on, faggots. 1.00

00:11:03.000 Right. 1.00

00:11:04.000 So we go in, and I go, let's stick around here for a while.

00:11:08.000 I used to like doing that just to freak out the squares.

00:11:11.000 There was a bar in Montreal called Cox, C-O-X, and it's a great place to go. 0.94

00:11:19.000 Gentlemen at home, I cannot recommend gay bars enough, because there's like four chicks there. 1.00

00:11:23.000 They hang around with whores. 1.00

00:11:26.000 Right? 1.00

00:11:26.000 Women do. 1.00

00:11:28.000 So all they hear from their gay friends is, and then I sucked his cock and then we had an orgy with seven guys. 1.00

00:11:33.000 She starts to feel like a prude because she's only had sex like a hundred times. 1.00

00:11:38.000 So they're getting brainwashed by these gays into being bigger sluts. 1.00

00:11:44.000 And like, what's the matter with me? 1.00

00:11:45.000 I've only had like one threesome this year. 0.99

00:11:47.000 I should be getting gangbanged like all my gay friends. 1.00

00:11:51.000 And she's lonely and bored and they're out dancing and gays are kind of sexist in a weird way. 0.99

00:11:56.000 My wife's a fag hag and I'll never forget, she was with Jeremy Scott, the fashion designer, and Pablo, his assistant, and they were posing for a picture and she was getting in the picture and he kind of shooed her aside and he said, this one's just for the boys, honey. 0.99

00:12:12.000 And I thought, there's a weird latent sexism within the gay community. 1.00

00:12:15.000 They don't treat their fag hags very well because they have no currency. 1.00

00:12:19.000 You know, we treat women well because old ladies have made us, so we hold doors open for them. 1.00

00:12:24.000 We're like, thanks for creating earth. 1.00

00:12:26.000 And then when you're single and they're younger, you're like, hope I can fuck you. 1.00

00:12:30.000 Here's the door open. 1.00

00:12:31.000 Gays don't care about either of those things. 1.00

00:12:33.000 It's like, get these bitches out of here. 1.00

00:12:35.000 They don't even have decks. 1.00

00:12:39.000 So anyway, we go to this bar, The Urge, just to piss.

00:12:43.000 And then I say, let's stick around.

00:12:44.000 And oh my God, I was in over my head.

00:12:48.000 That's the beauty of New York.

00:12:50.000 It'll test you.

00:12:51.000 Like you think you're a good fighter, it'll match you up with a heavyweight like Mike Tyson who will just knock your block off.

00:12:57.000 And you go, wow, I guess I'm not a good fighter.

00:13:00.000 I thought I could handle gay bars till I went to The Urge. 1.00

00:13:03.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:13:07.000 It had a circular bar. 1.00

00:13:09.000 With men dancing on it, just dancing around, but it was New York and it was disgusting and it was not a happy place. 0.89

00:13:16.000 There was one dude, a black dude, wearing a blonde wig and a strappy dress. 0.94

00:13:19.000 He looked like a linebacker.

00:13:21.000 He looked like he lost a bet.

00:13:23.000 He did not look like a lady. 0.88

00:13:25.000 At all. 0.99

00:13:26.000 But you wouldn't laugh at him, he'd kill you. 0.99

00:13:28.000 Then there was this Puerto Rican dude, he had white Timberlands on, a white, like, jockstrap kind of thing with his ass out, and a white Yankees hat. 0.99

00:13:36.000 And he was... 1.00

00:13:39.000 Like, when you say you fucked her brains out, this guy had his brains fucked out. 1.00

00:13:43.000 Like, he had no brains. 1.00

00:13:45.000 Imagine, you look into his eyes, and you just saw nothingness. 0.99

00:13:48.000 And the way he was dancing was just sort of like, it was like someone had just been shot with a tranquilizer dart.

00:13:53.000 He wasn't dancing, he was stumbling. 1.00

00:13:55.000 He's stumbling along the bar, and he just looked like a fuck puppet. 1.00

00:14:00.000 Like, just a pathetic, sad human being. 1.00

00:14:03.000 And then I, he looked like a prisoner, actually. 0.99

00:14:06.000 And I thought, uh oh, this is, I'm not used to this.

00:14:09.000 This is not, we're not in Kansas anymore.

00:14:12.000 And then, and then this other guy comes out and he's like a beefy dude with, just covered in hair.

00:14:18.000 He looks like a gorilla.

00:14:20.000 Big beard. 1.00

00:14:21.000 He looks like a little fucking Nordic man, bodybuilder guy. 0.99

00:14:24.000 And he's, he's just on a line of coke, clearly, because he's pumped and he's gyrating. 0.99

00:14:28.000 And I'm like, yeah! 0.99

00:14:30.000 And I'm pretending that I think it's fucking rock and roll. 0.99

00:14:32.000 And I put money in his underwear. 0.99

00:14:35.000 I pull his waistband out just to freak out my friends. 0.99

00:14:38.000 And as I pull his waistband out, by the way, heat is emanating from his balls. 0.99

00:14:44.000 Heat that would like burn your fingers. 0.99

00:14:47.000 It's an oven in there. 0.99

00:14:49.000 And I put the five dollars into the fires of his crotch. 0.99

00:14:53.000 And you're not supposed to do that. 0.90

00:14:55.000 That's like, they don't get money. 1.00

00:14:58.000 And you know, they're poor junkie losers. 0.99

00:15:00.000 So I think he thought that I want him now. 0.99

00:15:05.000 So he's staring at me as he gyrates.

00:15:07.000 And this is where it gets crazy, folks.

00:15:10.000 I know this is supposed to be a superheroes talk, but I'm having memories.

00:15:14.000 He stares at me.

00:15:16.000 You're gonna think this is a lie, but I'm not a liar.

00:15:19.000 I'm too lazy to lie.

00:15:20.000 We're at the other end of the bar.

00:15:21.000 By the way, my three friends, Tino and Wendy Mullin and whatever the Tino's brother's name is, we're all just sort of staring and we all, it's sort of like Goonies when they go to that mobster's house accidentally and they hear them around upstairs.

00:15:37.000 Like, we were not laughing and high-fiving anymore.

00:15:39.000 We all realized that I was wrong to take us there.

00:15:44.000 And he stares at me from, now he's on the other end of the bar, right?

00:15:47.000 So we have a bartender in between us.

00:15:49.000 He stares at me and he's dancing.

00:15:51.000 There's a beer bottle in between his feet and he's wearing like black Speedos.

00:15:58.000 The ones I just touched.

00:16:00.000 Without looking at the bottle that is between his heels, he pulls his underwear over to one side.

00:16:08.000 He's facing me so I can't see this, but his bare butt cheeks are showing to the other side of the bar.

00:16:14.000 He slowly, without missing a beat, moves his dance lower and lower, like he's doing the limbo. 0.98

00:16:22.000 And eventually, his anal lips, without him even looking, wrap around the beer bottle. 0.98

00:16:31.000 That's sitting there. 0.98

00:16:32.000 Then they grip it.

00:16:35.000 Again, all he's doing with his hands is holding his underwear out of the way. 0.96

00:16:40.000 And then he picks up the beer bottle with his anus and stands up. 0.99

00:16:48.000 That is when you know you're in over your head. 0.99

00:16:52.000 It's surprising.

00:16:53.000 This is like early 2000s. 0.98

00:16:55.000 New York was still pretty fucking scuzzy. 0.96

00:16:58.000 All those bars are gone now. 0.99

00:17:01.000 I wonder if the cock is still on 10th and A. But anyway, another story from 2nd and 2nd. 0.90

00:17:10.000 2nd and 2nd used to be a real freaky spot.

00:17:13.000 I remember in the late 90s, there was a guy called Carpet Man, and he would roll himself into a carpet.

00:17:21.000 German guy.

00:17:22.000 That's your worst fear, right, Ryan?

00:17:24.000 Nope.

00:17:26.000 Why, you don't want people to know in case they do it to you?

00:17:28.000 No.

00:17:30.000 Wow.

00:17:30.000 I'd love to be around an unrolled carpet.

00:17:33.000 You're sitting on one right now, shit for brains. 1.00

00:17:35.000 No, no, a rolled up carpet. 1.00

00:17:37.000 Oh. 0.97

00:17:40.000 So this German pervert rolls himself up into a carpet on Second Ave and people walk on him. 1.00

00:17:49.000 And that's his sexual fetish. 1.00

00:17:50.000 I hate that. 0.99

00:17:50.000 But some people don't even know there's a guy there. 0.99

00:17:53.000 He's gonna get picked up and thrown in a garbage truck.

00:17:55.000 He doesn't even know there's a guy there.

00:17:57.000 Anyway, also on Second and Second, we're at the Hole, or maybe I'm just pissing or something.

00:18:04.000 I'm with my buddy Trevor and my girlfriend, who's now my wife, Emily.

00:18:08.000 And the building that Mars Bar was in is abandoned.

00:18:14.000 It's now, it's probably worth 50 million right now.

00:18:18.000 But anyway, it was abandoned back then.

00:18:20.000 And some NYU student with a big huge flashlight goes, hey, come here, come here.

00:18:26.000 We go, what's what's going on?

00:18:27.000 He goes, check this out.

00:18:30.000 It's an old high school.

00:18:32.000 And he takes us in.

00:18:35.000 And it's like frozen in time.

00:18:38.000 There's a piano there, there's a gymnasium with decorations that say like, 1980s, hey class of 85!

00:18:47.000 It hasn't been touched in years and it's still decorated for prom.

00:18:52.000 They had one last prom in 89 and then that was it.

00:18:59.000 And then we go upstairs and there's all these rooms.

00:19:02.000 So I think there's two things going on here.

00:19:04.000 There was a school and residential apartments and we had access to both.

00:19:10.000 So we go up the stairs of the residential apartments and there's mattresses on the ground and candles and we see it's a whole building of bums. 0.80

00:19:18.000 Bums live there. 0.97

00:19:19.000 Just drunks, sit there, lie in a mattress, piss it, I assume. 1.00

00:19:22.000 As I would do if I was a bum. 0.95

00:19:24.000 And they got their little candle there, where they just, you know, nurse their hangovers, shoot their heroin.

00:19:28.000 So that was mildly interesting, the, the, uh... Up the stairs, all those little...

00:19:34.000 Rooms, but down the stairs is much more interesting.

00:19:36.000 That's the high school.

00:19:37.000 So there was there was a big gymnasium back when the you know, the East Village wasn't decrepit shithole.

00:19:42.000 Although we're pretty near Bowery at this point, right?

00:19:44.000 We're two blocks from Bowery.

00:19:45.000 So that was the Bowery boys and all that. 0.96

00:19:48.000 That was a shithole for a hundred years. 0.94

00:19:50.000 This is Gangs of New York. 0.97

00:19:51.000 Actually, it's never been nice. 0.98

00:19:53.000 So it was probably a shitty school. 0.82

00:19:54.000 Anyway, there's the prom there. 0.80

00:19:55.000 Then there's a pool, a beautiful indoor pool, which is obviously empty and abandoned.

00:20:01.000 And then he goes, check this out.

00:20:02.000 So we start going downstairs.

00:20:05.000 I apologize in advance if I've told you this story before because I've told it a million times.

00:20:09.000 We start going down the stairs. 1.00

00:20:10.000 Now Trevor's a huge fucking guy. 0.99

00:20:12.000 Andrew WK's old manager. 0.99

00:20:16.000 He also managed Sick of It All, the hardcore band.

00:20:18.000 Anyway, he takes the three of us downstairs and as we're going down these stairs, people are coming up.

00:20:24.000 Like squatters who live down there in the dungeons.

00:20:27.000 This is the crazy thing about New York.

00:20:28.000 You know there's a whole entire community that lives under the subways?

00:20:32.000 There's a documentary about it called Dark Days.

00:20:34.000 They still live there now.

00:20:35.000 There's like streets in this little neighborhood.

00:20:38.000 There's homes where people live in absolute pitch blackness.

00:20:44.000 Dude, get a dishwashing job. 0.99

00:20:46.000 Stay at a hostel.

00:20:47.000 Get enough money. 1.00

00:20:49.000 Get a deposit together with some other crazies and get some bunk beds and fucking get a life. 0.99

00:20:56.000 Anyway, we're going down these stairs of this abandoned school, and they seem to go down for infinity. 0.98

00:21:01.000 And people are coming up the stairs.

00:21:03.000 There's a community there.

00:21:04.000 And then he takes us to this... We're now deep in the basement.

00:21:07.000 There's a boiler.

00:21:08.000 And he goes, check it out.

00:21:09.000 And then we go underneath this giant boiler.

00:21:11.000 This boiler is the size of maybe four SUVs.

00:21:16.000 We go underneath it, and there's another just a big giant room.

00:21:19.000 No one's in it, but it just keeps going and going and going. 0.99

00:21:22.000 This underground fucking giant school. 0.98

00:21:26.000 And this little kid, he's probably 22, had discovered it. 0.99

00:21:30.000 Anyway, this is where it gets freaky.

00:21:33.000 Trevor starts getting spooked.

00:21:34.000 He's like a tough guy who fights and stuff.

00:21:38.000 And he's been in a million fights. 0.98

00:21:39.000 He went to an all-black school thanks to some dumb diversity thing in Florida where they would bus white kids to black neighborhoods to increase diversity. 0.98

00:21:47.000 I don't know why. 0.99

00:21:48.000 So he would get beat up every day, and then he became- now he speaks in Ebonics, has black mannerisms, and can beat the shit out of anyone. 1.00

00:21:56.000 So he's tough in that sense, but he's also a pussy who gets scared super easy. 0.99

00:22:00.000 One day, he had to work on something. 1.00

00:22:02.000 I can't remember what it was, but he rented a house in the country and said, I'm just gonna fucking focus. 0.97

00:22:07.000 And...

00:22:10.000 He was so convinced that someone was in the house trying to kill him that he boarded up his room and put a bed against the door and put a mattress up against the window and sat in the room alone so the bad guy couldn't kill him and then one after I don't know maybe a full night there he goes you know what 1.00

00:22:30.000 Fuck this! 0.99

00:22:32.000 And he decides he's gonna fight the guy who's there to kill him. 1.00

00:22:35.000 So he takes the bed away from the door and he grabs a knife and he's like, let's fucking do this! 1.00

00:22:41.000 Let's fucking do this! 0.99

00:22:42.000 I'm sick of hiding! 0.99

00:22:44.000 And he's totally alone in the middle of nowhere in this abandoned, like, rental house, running around it with a knife, screaming at someone who's not there.

00:22:54.000 So that's the kind of guy he is.

00:22:57.000 All or nothing. 0.99

00:22:58.000 Anyway, he gets it in his head that the student has brought us down there to rape us. 0.94

00:23:05.000 And a bunch of guys are gonna come out of the shadows at any second now and I guess hold down me? 1.00

00:23:10.000 Him and my girlfriend and rape is all in the butt. 0.99

00:23:13.000 So it's going to take a lot of people to do that, by the way, if there's no guns involved. 1.00

00:23:17.000 It's going to take, probably take about five guys to rape me. 1.00

00:23:21.000 Couple, my girlfriend, maybe six for him. 0.99

00:23:24.000 He's a big guy, seven.

00:23:25.000 So you have to assemble, what, 15 rapists?

00:23:30.000 That's not easy.

00:23:31.000 That's not an easy group.

00:23:32.000 That's a funny Craigslist ad.

00:23:34.000 Hey rapists, meet in an abandoned squat. 1.00

00:23:39.000 And I'll try to lure down three people we can rape. 1.00

00:23:41.000 Take a left at the pool, go under the boiler. 0.99

00:23:43.000 We'll meet you down there.

00:23:45.000 Here's your 40 bucks in advance.

00:23:46.000 Here's your deposit.

00:23:47.000 It only takes one gun to pull it off.

00:23:50.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:23:51.000 I was thinking like him the whole time, by the way.

00:23:54.000 I was like, this is a setup.

00:23:54.000 Really?

00:23:54.000 Yeah.

00:23:56.000 Well, you're a paranoid fuck. 1.00

00:23:58.000 And there's things called instincts, too. 1.00

00:24:00.000 I could tell.

00:24:00.000 You can look at someone's shoes.

00:24:03.000 Like, if he had Skechers on that had a hole in the toe... Yeah, that's a bad sign. 0.65

00:24:06.000 I'd be worried, but they were like limited edition vintage Air Jordans.

00:24:10.000 I knew he was upper middle class. 0.98

00:24:13.000 Um, so Trevor gets in his head that we're going to get raped. 0.96

00:24:16.000 So he starts going, uh, we gotta, we gotta get out of here. 0.95

00:24:19.000 Uh, we need to go now.

00:24:21.000 And then he, because he's a giant, he starts scaring the kid.

00:24:25.000 Now the kid's like, what's what is this guy going to kill me?

00:24:27.000 I shouldn't have brought these people down here.

00:24:29.000 And.

00:24:31.000 He goes, just take me up, take me up.

00:24:33.000 And he goes, okay, okay, I'll take you up, I'll take you up.

00:24:35.000 He goes, come on, we gotta go, we gotta go up.

00:24:37.000 And then he says one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

00:24:40.000 He goes, I know girls, there's girls up there. 0.99

00:24:43.000 I know girls that they have beer. 1.00

00:24:46.000 So, to be clear, he was already negotiating with this gang rapist and his, his,

00:24:57.000 Offer was basically what you'd see in a mirage.

00:25:01.000 It's two beautiful women wearing Budweiser bikinis. 0.99

00:25:07.000 And they are standing next to a giant cooler of beer with like 50... So what he was describing really was his idea of heaven.

00:25:15.000 And his idea of heaven is two beautiful ladies wearing Budweiser one-pieces or bikinis. 0.99

00:25:21.000 Maybe one has a one-piece, one has a bikini. 0.71

00:25:23.000 And they're sitting there with this rare commodity called beer.

00:25:26.000 Like the guy was gonna go, all right, you know what? 0.96

00:25:29.000 Let's not rape these guys. 1.00

00:25:30.000 They know chicks who have beer. 1.00

00:25:34.000 Holy fuck, I laughed at that for days! 1.00

00:25:36.000 There's candy up there! 1.00

00:25:38.000 Yeah, basically!

00:25:39.000 Yeah, that was an amazing night.

00:25:45.000 That's why you gotta stop playing video games and beating off.

00:25:48.000 If you're a young man, get out there!

00:25:50.000 I don't have any money! 1.00

00:25:52.000 Pack a fucking flask, buy one beer, and just nurse it all night. 1.00

00:25:57.000 And then take a hit on the flask when you're going pee. 1.00

00:26:01.000 When I moved to New York, I didn't have money.

00:26:05.000 Especially after Vice went bankrupt.

00:26:06.000 We were beyond broke then.

00:26:08.000 We still partied. 0.99

00:26:09.000 We still did fun shit. 0.98

00:26:10.000 One of the best nights of my life was the 2004 blackout. 0.97

00:26:16.000 Anyway, that's in my book, A Death of Cool.

00:26:18.000 You can pick it up at stores everywhere. 0.99

00:26:21.000 So those tangents are better than the story, but just, yeah, watching this movie, Endgame, and all the politically correct claptrap that they cram into it, you know, it assumes that we're racist and sexist, so they shock us by showing cool black people and women that can kick ass. 0.99

00:26:41.000 And I'm sure that does shock a bunch of racist sexists. 1.00

00:26:45.000 But you made your whole movie about that, and there's none of those people that would be offended by it are here.

00:26:51.000 So what are you doing?

00:26:52.000 It's sort of like, as a Scottish person, if movies kept talking about all the things the Scots had invented, like they put the steam engine on its side, and the Industrial Revolution, and, oh, did you know tarmac?

00:27:03.000 The Mac is a Macintosh, and Scots invented roads. 1.00

00:27:06.000 It's sort of like they injected that into every movie.

00:27:09.000 And as a Scottish person, I'd be going, yeah, yeah, okay.

00:27:12.000 Can we just get on with the plot, please?

00:27:14.000 Yes, I'm very proud of my Scottish ways.

00:27:15.000 Thank you very much. 1.00

00:27:17.000 Like, it's not like my daughter sees these women kicking ass and goes, holy shit. 1.00

00:27:22.000 I didn't know I could kick ass. 1.00

00:27:24.000 She's bored. 0.99

00:27:26.000 We went and played video games. 0.99

00:27:28.000 At one point, and I kept talking to her, because I was bored too, and I said, I leaned over and I fucking hate Chris Evans' face. 0.96

00:27:37.000 He's always doing a Zoolander pose. 0.97

00:27:39.000 Yeah!

00:27:40.000 He's always doing Blue Steel, because he's so gorgeous and he's got one eyebrow cocked. 1.00

00:27:45.000 I just want to fucking punch him. 0.99

00:27:47.000 And his Twitter feed is unbelievable. 1.00

00:27:49.000 It's pure Antifa. 0.99

00:27:51.000 This guy is a radical fat... His personality on the inside is a radical blue-haired fat feminist in a hat she knitted herself that's orange. 1.00

00:28:00.000 That's who his personality is. 1.00

00:28:02.000 He's like Barack Obama. 1.00

00:28:03.000 Cool black guy on the outside and the inside, a boring, shitty fat chick. 1.00

00:28:09.000 I remember saying that to Greg Gutfeld at Fox News on Reddit. 1.00

00:28:11.000 I go, let's focus our attention on the fact that he's his mother and he's just a stupid bitch, Barack Obama. 1.00

00:28:17.000 And Greg goes, that's not a good avenue because it's sexist. 1.00

00:28:22.000 I'm like, yeah, I'm a sexist and I hate that stupid bitch, Barack Obama. 1.00

00:28:27.000 Get him back in the kitchen where he belongs. 1.00

00:28:29.000 Go make me a sandwich, Barack, you stupid fat bitch. 1.00

00:28:35.000 He's not black. 1.00

00:28:36.000 What's black about Barack Obama? 1.00

00:28:38.000 He rides a fucking mountain bike with a bicycle helmet on and mom jeans tucked up to his nipples and his fucking white Reeboks. 1.00

00:28:47.000 I'm blacker than Barack Obama. 1.00

00:28:49.000 Yeah, me too. 0.97

00:28:50.000 Black people would way rather hang out with me than Barack Obama.

00:28:53.000 You know, stripped of the context that he was president and all that. 0.93

00:28:57.000 Ever see Chris Evans in this?

00:28:58.000 There's a lot of Me Too type stuff that I'm sure he's kind of scared about.

00:29:02.000 Chris Evans' first movie was, uh, Not Another Teen Movie.

00:29:05.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

00:29:07.000 He raped a bunch of chicks. 1.00

00:29:08.000 Dude, I mean, like, it's one of the most misogynist movies out there. 0.99

00:29:12.000 It's like, you know, American Pie, but with Chris Evans in it.

00:29:16.000 So?

00:29:17.000 That's his fault for appearing in it?

00:29:18.000 Did you see the black lawyer, first black lawyer at Harvard?

00:29:23.000 He just got fired from some, from Harvard I think, because he's representing Harvey Weinstein.

00:29:30.000 Wow. 0.99

00:29:31.000 What the fuck is going on with this world? 1.00

00:29:33.000 What clown world are we living in? 1.00

00:29:36.000 You're supposed to represent Harvey Weinstein, you dunces! 1.00

00:29:41.000 Jeffrey Dahmer got represented. 0.99

00:29:43.000 Charles Manson had representation.

00:29:45.000 You want a world with no representation for the bad guys? 1.00

00:29:48.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:29:50.000 That's called a kangaroo court. 1.00

00:29:52.000 That's called a mob. 0.99

00:29:53.000 What is this, Lord of the Flies?

00:29:55.000 You're punishing a man for representing Harvey Weinstein?

00:29:59.000 What?

00:30:00.000 Okay, so let me, explain to me your world now.

00:30:04.000 People aren't, it's like Brett Kavanaugh. 1.00

00:30:06.000 Oh, he's a serial rapist. 1.00

00:30:06.000 Why? 1.00

00:30:07.000 Because some chick said he was.

00:30:08.000 Okay, so now someone says something, we don't have a trial or anything.

00:30:12.000 Now any allegation means you can't be a Supreme Court judge.

00:30:14.000 Okay, I'm gonna say it about your guy. 1.00

00:30:17.000 Hey, that next guy, he's a serial rapist. 1.00

00:30:19.000 How does that feel, fucknuts? 1.00

00:30:22.000 Imagine you were treated like the client that you had. 1.00

00:30:26.000 Like if you're representing a murderer. 0.69

00:30:28.000 You have to represent a guy who eats babies. 0.94

00:30:31.000 Okay, say a guy killed a million babies.

00:30:34.000 You have to represent him because you want to make sure that the law got him right and and you know read him his memorandum rights or whatever because you want to make sure we have an efficient system that catches baby murderers. 0.79

00:30:47.000 Actually, we don't.

00:30:49.000 Abortion doctors, Kermit Gosnell, got away with, what, 40,000?

00:30:54.000 No, not 40,000, but thousands of third trimester abortions.

00:30:57.000 Jesus.

00:30:58.000 The nurses heard the babies making sounds after they were aborted.

00:31:04.000 They had nightmares.

00:31:06.000 He had to clip their spinal cords with shearing scissors.

00:31:09.000 That's hell. 1.00

00:31:10.000 They're going to hell. 0.96

00:31:11.000 Anywho, so Chris Evans' face drives me nuts, and I lean over to my daughter and I go, 0.99

00:31:15.000 I hate his gorgeous face.

00:31:17.000 And she goes, have you ever brushed your teeth in your life? 1.00

00:31:25.000 And she goes, you smell like dog vomit.

00:31:30.000 And I go, oh, is my breath bad? 0.77

00:31:36.000 And she goes, yes, always yes. 1.00

00:31:43.000 I'd rather hang out with her than watch this stupid, fucking, dumb, feminist, bullshit movie. 1.00

00:31:48.000 At the end of the movie, Captain America, who decides not to be Captain America when he goes back in time... By the way, time travel is just a thing that fucking Tony Stark figured out at his log cabin in about two minutes. 1.00

00:32:02.000 He sits there with a Mobius strip on his stupid 3D Mirage hologram computer and says, what if you do his imitation?

00:32:11.000 Jarvis, why don't you pull up a Mobius strip and take the 30 second unit, flip that. 0.96

00:32:17.000 Yes, Mr. Starks.

00:32:19.000 It's probably not gonna work.

00:32:21.000 And then he sits down, and he's figured out time travel.

00:32:23.000 Oh, is that all? 0.93

00:32:25.000 And then he goes over to Gwyneth motherfucking Paltrow from Goop, and she's reading a book on composting.

00:32:31.000 He goes, what are you reading? 0.96

00:32:32.000 She's like, composting. 1.00

00:32:33.000 And he goes, I figured it out.

00:32:35.000 I figured out time travel.

00:32:37.000 Really?

00:32:39.000 What else did you figure out? 0.99

00:32:40.000 How to fucking change atoms? 0.99

00:32:44.000 And turn Earth into a chocolate bar? 0.99

00:32:46.000 What are we talking about here?

00:32:47.000 They just sort of gloss over that.

00:32:49.000 That's a minor part of the movie, where Tony Stark figures it out. 0.99

00:32:52.000 Oh, by the way, speaking of idiocy, at one point, who shows up ready to save the world and kick some serious ass? 0.99

00:32:59.000 Ask Gwyneth Paltrow. 0.99

00:33:02.000 So the, her gorgeous, she has this beautiful thing that shows her boobs nicely, this Iron Man costume with like dragonfly wings on the back and she slams down on the ground and then her face opens up and you're looking at Gwyneth Paltrow.

00:33:17.000 She's there to save the earth from these giant monster demons. 0.95

00:33:20.000 And where's the baby? 1.00

00:33:21.000 Give me a fucking, she got a babysitter. 1.00

00:33:24.000 Oh. 1.00

00:33:25.000 Gwyneth Paltrow is gonna beat up Satan? 0.95

00:33:29.000 My suspension of disbelief got a hernia watching this movie.

00:33:32.000 At one point, there's some chick who goes, um, you think you got this?

00:33:38.000 And then you're, uh oh, this chick, it's like a wasp. 1.00

00:33:42.000 Evangeline Willie, whatever her name is, Lily.

00:33:45.000 Scary Perry was introduced to her by Jimmy Kimmel and he called her Of Angeline Willie.

00:33:52.000 He thinks her first name is Of.

00:33:53.000 That's a whole other podcast we'll do on Windy City Heat.

00:33:57.000 But the African chick from Wakanda goes, she will do okay, she has backup. 1.00

00:34:03.000 And then the entire screen fills with nine women. 1.00

00:34:09.000 No male superheroes at all.

00:34:12.000 Nine women show up. 1.00

00:34:13.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:34:16.000 We want to show that women kick ass too. 1.00

00:34:19.000 It's like, that's actually literally a movie, Kick Ass 2, where a woman kicks ass. 1.00

00:34:25.000 But it's like Star Wars. 1.00

00:34:27.000 They mush in all of this diversity, multiculturalism, equality, all this like first year college crap. 1.00

00:34:35.000 That the kids who don't know about racism and sexism or any of that stuff, they go, why is this being forced down my throat? 0.99

00:34:42.000 I swear to God, it's the Scottish thing.

00:34:44.000 It's as redundant as that.

00:34:47.000 Like, you might as well try to hammer to kids that exercise is important in a movie.

00:34:51.000 It's not a thing that's in their life.

00:34:53.000 Why are you hammering it into their heads?

00:34:57.000 It's so boring.

00:34:58.000 It's not offensive.

00:34:59.000 It's not revolutionary.

00:35:00.000 You're not changing the world.

00:35:01.000 You're not shocking us.

00:35:03.000 You're boring us.

00:35:05.000 You ruined superheroes completely.

00:35:09.000 Sorry, I didn't finish the Chris Evans thing. 1.00

00:35:11.000 So at the end, he hands over his fucking shield to the black guy. 1.00

00:35:16.000 Black guy should be Captain America. 1.00

00:35:19.000 Oh, and Black Panther hands over the kingdom to, oh no, Thor hands over his planet to that chick, that Valkyrie chick, a black chick. 1.00

00:35:30.000 Oh yeah.

00:35:31.000 He's like, you will be queen now. 0.98

00:35:34.000 And she goes, well, I'm gonna make some fucking serious changes. 0.97

00:35:36.000 He goes, I was counting on it. 0.99

00:35:39.000 Oy vey. 0.91

00:35:40.000 And the black guy who he gave his Captain America shield to isn't even magic. 0.73

00:35:44.000 That's another, that's a side thing. 0.60

00:35:46.000 That's another new political correctness.

00:35:48.000 About a third of the people are just people.

00:35:49.000 So you've got the Hulk, who could destroy this entire, entire building.

00:35:57.000 And then Scarlett Johansson, who's done a lot of exercise.

00:36:01.000 And trained with a lot of different guns.

00:36:04.000 Yeah, so is Mark Spitz.

00:36:06.000 We're gonna have some Olympic swimmers on board, too?

00:36:09.000 Like, what about the top jiu-jitsu man in the world?

00:36:13.000 He should be with them, apparently.

00:36:15.000 Humans... So I think the black guy who was becoming Captain America, all he does is manipulate this suit that has wings on it, and then he can fly it real well. 1.00

00:36:25.000 And he sunk the wings into a beast's chest, by the way, which must have damaged the wings.

00:36:30.000 So he broke that suit.

00:36:31.000 Don't give him the Captain America shield.

00:36:33.000 This guy breaks everything he touches. 1.00

00:36:35.000 And who the fuck is he? 1.00

00:36:37.000 And then there's this woman. 1.00

00:36:39.000 I don't know what she is.

00:36:40.000 She's like a Superman woman. 1.00

00:36:42.000 And her hair is glow-in-the-dark and it's blonde.

00:36:44.000 She's a pretty blonde. 1.00

00:36:45.000 Captain Marvel.

00:36:46.000 Captain Marvel.

00:36:47.000 I called her Miss Marvel.

00:36:48.000 I was wrong.

00:36:49.000 She's a total badass. 1.00

00:36:50.000 And she shows up at the beginning of the movie.

00:36:52.000 She rescues 0.99

00:36:53.000 Tony Stark, and rightfully so, the superheroes go, where the fuck have you been? 0.93

00:36:58.000 And she goes, I was on other planets. 0.97

00:36:59.000 Where were you? 0.68

00:37:00.000 Which is kind of bitchy. 1.00

00:37:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:02.000 And I'm watching it going, bitch, you look like an Earthling. 1.00

00:37:05.000 You clearly have an allegiance to Earth. 1.00

00:37:08.000 This is ground zero, by the way, for the entire war to save the universe. 0.99

00:37:13.000 Where the fuck have you been? 0.99

00:37:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:15.000 Why are you going to save Aspelardians? 0.87

00:37:18.000 People with like one eye who are green. 1.00

00:37:19.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:37:21.000 Save Earth! 1.00

00:37:22.000 Earth First! 0.95

00:37:23.000 Ever heard of the campaign Earth First?

00:37:25.000 So she shows up at the end of the movie, right when we're about to lose, and goes to the main spaceship of the main bad guy and flies right through it, just like Superman would.

00:37:36.000 And she's had a haircut since.

00:37:38.000 I don't know why, but when we weren't looking, she went and got her hair done, her hair did, to look like a more feminist. 1.00

00:37:45.000 So she's got basically my hairdo.

00:37:48.000 At the end.

00:37:49.000 And she's kind of snarky the whole time. 0.86

00:37:51.000 She's got this, like, badass attitude. 0.97

00:37:55.000 Hey, Hollywood. 1.00

00:37:57.000 Lesbians want to kick ass. 1.00

00:37:59.000 Nerds, they like watching violence because it's not in their lives and they like to fantasize. 1.00

00:38:03.000 They also like to see pretty girls. 1.00

00:38:05.000 So when you have pretty girls fighting, it gives them a little stupid boner. 1.00

00:38:09.000 So those two groups like seeing it. 0.99

00:38:12.000 The rest of us, including normal women, we're not enjoying all of these kick-ass chicks because it doesn't make sense. 1.00

00:38:20.000 And the fact that a feminist saved the universe is so fucking gay. 1.00

00:38:27.000 If you want to know what the word gay means to eight-year-olds, it has nothing to do with homosexuality. 1.00

00:38:32.000 Go watch Endgame. 0.97

00:38:35.000 It is the gayest movie I've ever seen in my life. 1.00

00:38:39.000 Mark Ruffalo is gay. 0.99

00:38:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:38:43.000 Mark Ruffalo is gayer than a guy picking up a beer bottle with his anal lips. 0.99

00:38:50.000 Wanna see my superhero trick? 1.00

00:38:52.000 His fucking eyebrows need to go. 0.99

00:38:54.000 If I was Elon Musk, I would take Mark Ruffalo's eyebrows, put them on a spaceship, and blast them off into outer space. 1.00

00:39:04.000 I don't care if he bleeds to death, fuck you Mark Ruffalo, but his goddamn eyebrows. 1.00

00:39:10.000 What do you hate about them? 1.00

00:39:10.000 They're huge? 1.00

00:39:12.000 There's always got that stupid sad thing going on, this little puppy dog face. 1.00

00:39:17.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:39:18.000 Oh, God, he's one of the worst.

00:39:20.000 By the way, here's Mark Ruffalo in a nutshell.

00:39:23.000 I used to have a place in the Catskills, destitute area.

00:39:27.000 It's all shale there, so you can't farm.

00:39:30.000 When I would plant a tree on my property, I would bring a pickaxe and nothing else.

00:39:34.000 You think I'm exaggerating?

00:39:35.000 I'm not.

00:39:37.000 The dirt that I would get from the hole, I could scoop with my hand.

00:39:40.000 It was all rocks.

00:39:42.000 Um, so we get a possibility for fracking up there.

00:39:47.000 All of a sudden employment for young people.

00:39:50.000 This looks good.

00:39:51.000 All of a sudden a boon to the area where their only industry is the horse track race in Monticello and the prison.

00:39:59.000 Also in Monticello.

00:40:00.000 That's the only jobs there are.

00:40:02.000 In fact, corrections officers in the Catskills have this sort of OG Al Capone vibe where waitresses always serve them first and people stare at them because they're so employed.

00:40:13.000 Basically your only option there is crime or corrections officer.

00:40:18.000 So that's the environment we're in.

00:40:20.000 And because Mark Cuntface Droopy Eyebrows Ruffalo saw the movie Frack Nation, which is based on a guy's misunderstanding of how methane works, the money shot in Frack Nation is someone lighting their tap water on fire.

00:40:40.000 Yes, it sounds spooky.

00:40:43.000 Um, the tap water is flammable in the Catskills because there's a high concentration of methane.

00:40:49.000 It's perfectly natural.

00:40:53.000 You're saying it's natural to burn your tap water?

00:40:55.000 Yes, I am saying that.

00:40:57.000 Burning Springs, New York is called Burning Springs because 200 years ago a spring caught fire and it's been burning ever since because it's natural.

00:41:09.000 There's parts of the Catskills where if you leave a candle on in your bathroom, you're gonna blow the door off.

00:41:16.000 Because there's methane gas in the water.

00:41:18.000 Perfectly healthy, not dangerous levels, but flammable levels.

00:41:23.000 That's counterintuitive to most people and I understand that. 0.99

00:41:26.000 But the tap water's always been flammable and fucking, the cat's kills. 1.00

00:41:30.000 But this guy Joe David Fox or something makes this movie Frack Nation, all these dumb liberals fall for it. 1.00

00:41:35.000 Oh no! 0.98

00:41:36.000 So when they say they're gonna frack there, by the way, I think 90% of our natural gas comes from fracking in this country.

00:41:43.000 It's everywhere, all over Ohio.

00:41:44.000 It's a major industry.

00:41:46.000 In America.

00:41:47.000 Employs millions of people.

00:41:49.000 I'm guessing millions, but it's probably upwards of that. 0.99

00:41:53.000 And so Mark Ruffalo leads this fucking fight to stop the fracking. 0.96

00:41:59.000 And maintain, because he doesn't want his beautiful vacation home and his pool to maybe have a one in a million chance the water table is affected by fracking. 0.99

00:42:07.000 So he shuts it down.

00:42:08.000 Him and his group shut it down.

00:42:11.000 And you know where my neighbor across the street, you know where his kids are?

00:42:14.000 They're in Afghanistan.

00:42:16.000 Now I'm not disrespecting the troops. 0.99

00:42:18.000 And I'm not saying it's a shit job and you know it's for losers or anything. 0.99

00:42:22.000 But 0.99

00:42:24.000 That's the only option left for those kids is to join the army and put their lives on the line.

00:42:28.000 It's kind of hard to tell that story without looking like you're denigrating the military.

00:42:35.000 Well, it's not for all people.

00:42:36.000 It's not for all people.

00:42:37.000 Some people are civilians.

00:42:38.000 It should be a choice.

00:42:39.000 They were basically conscripted.

00:42:42.000 Unless you have what it takes, it might be the wrong decision. 0.96

00:42:45.000 I remember someone said to me once, if you're so fucking nationalist and patriotic, why don't you go join the army and fight for this country that you say you love so much? 0.94

00:42:54.000 And I go, because I'm not brave enough. 0.98

00:42:57.000 It's not that easy.

00:42:58.000 It takes X level of bravery and I have X minus one. 0.98

00:43:03.000 If you love guacamole so much, why don't you fucking live on a avocado farm? 0.96

00:43:07.000 Thanks for the analogy, Ryan. 0.99

00:43:09.000 We didn't understand my point.

00:43:11.000 So it needed an analogy.

00:43:14.000 To elucidate it. 1.00

00:43:17.000 It's such a stupid, shitty movie. 1.00

00:43:21.000 I actually took notes. 1.00

00:43:23.000 I want to make sure I... So here are my notes.

00:43:27.000 But first of all, it's a kids movie, and half of it is this really complex discussion about the nature of time travel that's so complex it even goes above Back to the Future.

00:43:37.000 They talk about all the time travel movies in it, and it's more advanced than those.

00:43:41.000 So it's not time travel in a fun, silly way like Back to the Future.

00:43:45.000 It's time travel like you would study in first year university.

00:43:48.000 Super hard.

00:43:49.000 Not fun for kids.

00:43:52.000 I did like that it was pro-capitalism.

00:43:54.000 Tony Stark saves the world and he's an entrepreneur.

00:43:58.000 And Thanos wants to destroy half the world to make it better, which is the greater good, which is what communists do, like Stalin and Mao.

00:44:05.000 They killed millions of people for the greater good.

00:44:08.000 So that was kind of cool.

00:44:15.000 Uh, Shazam was awesome.

00:44:17.000 Shazam- Shazam is a movie you should take your kids to.

00:44:20.000 It's just like, a guy robs a 7-Eleven, Shazam beats him up.

00:44:25.000 Like, that's what it should be. 1.00

00:44:26.000 Not philosophy and time travel and fucking stupid eyebrows and Zoolander face. 1.00

00:44:33.000 Um, my kids are bored shitless. 1.00

00:44:35.000 Oh yeah, here's a- I'm glad I looked at my notes.

00:44:37.000 Here's an interesting point.

00:44:39.000 So, spoiler alert.

00:44:41.000 Ready? 1.00

00:44:41.000 Please stop the podcast if you haven't seen this stupid, shitty movie. 1.00

00:44:44.000 And if you care about this movie, fuck you. 1.00

00:44:46.000 So no, not a spoiler alert. 1.00

00:44:48.000 Iron Man dies.

00:44:51.000 But you realize that they had all these, like the executives who made this plan, they had probably physical little cards of all the different guys and their box office was probably written down.

00:45:01.000 So they had a Hulk and it said like 360 million.

00:45:05.000 All the Hulk movies combined, gross, right?

00:45:08.000 And they also see people like Iron Man, Iron Man 3 bombed.

00:45:13.000 Iron Man 3.

00:45:14.000 Iron Man 3.

00:45:15.000 So they go, well, I'm sure it was just a mathematical decision based on box office. 0.90

00:45:20.000 And they go, well, let's kill the bottom guy, Iron Man. 1.00

00:45:23.000 He's a loser. 1.00

00:45:24.000 He can die. 1.00

00:45:25.000 We won't lose that much money. 1.00

00:45:26.000 Because you kill the guy, you kill the franchise. 1.00

00:45:28.000 Unless they do young Iron Man or some shit, which they probably will. 0.99

00:45:31.000 So they decided to kill Iron Man, and I know who killed Iron Man. 0.97

00:45:35.000 Justin Theroux.

00:45:37.000 Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston's ex-husband, was a friend of mine.

00:45:42.000 He dumped me because of Trump.

00:45:43.000 Actually, he dumped me before Trump.

00:45:45.000 He dumped me for my personality.

00:45:48.000 But he wrote Tropic Thunder, and Robert Downey Jr. 0.95

00:45:51.000 and him got along great because he's a great guy, super funny, fucking hilarious guy.

00:45:54.000 You've got to check out the extras on that DVD where Justin Theroux plays a German film buff who loves Steve Coogan and thinks he's competent when he clearly isn't.

00:46:05.000 So anyway, Robert Downey Jr.

00:46:06.000 goes, yeah, I'm going to try to do a Robert... No, I can't do Robert Downey Jr.

00:46:12.000 Robert Downey Jr.

00:46:13.000 says, hey, for Iron Man 3, things are going great.

00:46:16.000 Me and Jon Favreau are making millions and billions.

00:46:19.000 Let's have my buddy Justin Theroux write it.

00:46:21.000 He can make it kind of funny.

00:46:24.000 Do you want to say that, Ryan?

00:46:26.000 Why don't we have my friend Justin write the movie?

00:46:29.000 He's really funny.

00:46:30.000 Pepper Potts, why don't you go ahead and fill that in for 5 o'clock?

00:46:33.000 So he writes the movie and it stinks and I'm not faulting Justin for that.

00:46:38.000 Writing a movie is a perfect storm of placating people and writing other and one bad choice can ruin everything.

00:46:44.000 I think the bad choice was casting Mickey Rourke as the bad guy with his whips. 0.68

00:46:49.000 I watched it with my kids. 0.98

00:46:50.000 I didn't give a fuck about any of the bad guy or the good guy in that movie. 1.00

00:46:54.000 I just like kill them all. 1.00

00:46:55.000 I don't care. 1.00

00:46:56.000 So that flopped.

00:46:58.000 In other words, Justin Theroux killed Iron Man.

00:47:01.000 So I'm watching him die, and I'm watching his face scab over, and I'm just thinking, Justin, you must watch this movie and think, I killed that guy.

00:47:11.000 I murdered Iron Man.

00:47:14.000 By the way, speaking of Justin Theroux, he's behind this reboot of Archie Bunker.

00:47:20.000 Him and Jimmy Kimmel are buddies.

00:47:25.000 And they came up with the idea of doing an Archie Bunker reboot.

00:47:30.000 They got Norman Lear on board, Woody Harrelson is happy to play Archie.

00:47:34.000 So I'm worried, because Justin is a liberal.

00:47:38.000 To a fault. 0.96

00:47:40.000 But, he's also kind of a dick, and I remember I was pitching a show, Hipster Archie Bunker, and I told him about it, and he goes, that's my pitch. 0.97

00:47:49.000 I have a contract with Comedy Central, and that's the pitch. 0.98

00:47:53.000 And he goes, even though we were friends at the time, he goes, I'm gonna get lawyers involved, dude.

00:47:58.000 You can't pitch my show.

00:47:59.000 I've already signed a contract.

00:48:00.000 And you're joking?

00:48:02.000 No. 1.00

00:48:02.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:48:03.000 I wasn't joking, and he wasn't joking. 1.00

00:48:05.000 And I said, Justin, I am hipster Archie Bunker.

00:48:08.000 You can't... Right.

00:48:09.000 That's my life.

00:48:10.000 Yeah.

00:48:11.000 You can't say that my life story is taken by you.

00:48:16.000 Luckily, neither of our shows got picked up, so it wasn't a thing, but that was going to become a problem.

00:48:22.000 But anyway, sorry.

00:48:23.000 So that's actually kind of good news, because it shows that he's had Archie Bunker on the brain for a while, so he might do a good job.

00:48:28.000 But any second now, we're going to see

00:48:32.000 Um, a reboot of one of the greatest characters of all time and an icon of an America where you could be funny. 0.99

00:48:41.000 When Trump says make America great again, he's not talking about fucking slavery. 0.96

00:48:45.000 He's talking about the 80s. 0.99

00:48:47.000 He's talking about mullets, wraparound sunglasses, jet skis, wet t-shirt contests, bouncing boobs, leg warmers, keds, the accelerator girls in the ZZ Top video, legs.

00:49:00.000 He's talking about heavy petting, finding frozen penthouses in the snow bank.

00:49:05.000 He's talking about that big giant portable phone that the dude on Wall Street had, Michael Douglas.

00:49:11.000 He's talking about Repo Man.

00:49:13.000 He's talking about punk rock.

00:49:15.000 He's talking about after-school specials.

00:49:17.000 He's talking about Caddyshack and Animal House.

00:49:20.000 You know, back when we were proud?

00:49:22.000 Back when we could riff?

00:49:24.000 Back when someone could say, Have you ever brushed your teeth once in your life? 0.99

00:49:29.000 You smell like dog vomit. 0.99

00:49:31.000 Yes, always yes. 0.99

00:49:33.000 That's the America I want for my daughter. 1.00

00:49:35.000 Where she can say funny shit like that. 1.00

00:49:41.000 I've already discussed this, but that same movie... 0.98

00:49:45.000 When we were sitting down, I'm handing my son, my 10-year-old son, his popcorn, and I go, I see he's on his phone, I go, give me, get your phone!

00:49:54.000 Give me your phone!

00:49:55.000 He goes, no, I'm turning it off.

00:49:57.000 It's off, it's off.

00:49:58.000 It wasn't off, by the way.

00:50:00.000 I go, give me your phone!

00:50:01.000 Because I'm pissed, but I can't yell, because we're in a theater.

00:50:04.000 And that's when he said, and I mentioned this on the show, which hasn't aired yet, it'll air when we launch the new site.

00:50:11.000 He said the following, I swear to God,

00:50:15.000 That's what he said when he was handing me my phone.

00:50:17.000 I swear to God. 1.00

00:50:18.000 In other words, one of these days, Alice to the moon, I'm gonna kick your ass. 1.00

00:50:23.000 And as I'm handing him gifts, a large popcorn and a Coca-Cola slushie, kids aren't supposed to have Coca-Cola, that's caffeine. 1.00

00:50:31.000 So I'm handing him contraband as he says that he's gonna kick my ass. 1.00

00:50:37.000 I swear to God. 1.00

00:50:40.000 So I just lost it. 1.00

00:50:42.000 I don't swear around the kids, so when I swear they know this is serious shit Dad's swearing. 1.00

00:50:48.000 Don't you dare fucking talk that way to me! 1.00

00:50:50.000 I'm giving you gifts right now! 1.00

00:50:52.000 Give me the phone! 1.00

00:50:54.000 You're in big shit! 1.00

00:50:57.000 I'm actually getting mad remembering it right now. 1.00

00:50:59.000 I'm pumped.

00:51:00.000 I swear to God.

00:51:01.000 Because he's being patient with you.

00:51:03.000 He's trying not to lose it on you because he's testing you.

00:51:05.000 Yeah, it's like the tone is, I've never beaten up my dad, but he's pushing it. 0.99

00:51:10.000 And I swear to God, one of these days I'm just going to fucking pop him on the chin. 0.99

00:51:14.000 One more. 1.00

00:51:15.000 I'm going to lay out that old motherfucker. 1.00

00:51:18.000 Literal motherfucker. 1.00

00:51:19.000 Shit. 1.00

00:51:24.000 That'd be funny if it was, like, true. 1.00

00:51:27.000 And one day I go, you know what?

00:51:29.000 No more video games.

00:51:30.000 And he goes, yeah, you know what?

00:51:31.000 I'm done with this.

00:51:33.000 I'm like, ow! 1.00

00:51:35.000 You want some more, bitch? 1.00

00:51:38.000 No, I'm sorry. 1.00

00:51:39.000 I'm sorry.

00:51:39.000 Now clean it up.

00:51:40.000 Play all the video games you want. 1.00

00:51:42.000 Yeah, and I want Rice Krispies for dinner, bitch. 1.00

00:51:47.000 OK, Mr. Son. 1.00

00:51:49.000 Mr. Son.

00:51:51.000 Sir?

00:51:51.000 That's funny.

00:51:54.000 Yeah, so they ruined superhero movies, and that pisses me off, not because I give a shit about superheroes, I'm an adult, but it pisses me off because as a dad, I gotta go take my kids to these things. 0.96

00:52:05.000 And by the way, my kids had a shitty time too. 0.98

00:52:08.000 Like that last Star Wars one, whatever it was called, where they had like 50 people of all races, and there's the Chinese guy, and this guy's gay, and this guy's Iranian or whatever, and fucking Carrie Fisher's a drawing. 0.98

00:52:23.000 My kids were so bored in that movie. 0.98

00:52:28.000 That they kept pretending they had to go pee.

00:52:31.000 Like, I bring my youngest, he was five at the time, I bring him down to the bathroom, he gets to the urinal, maybe like two drops of pee come out of his dink.

00:52:38.000 Because he was lying.

00:52:39.000 He didn't have to go pee.

00:52:41.000 He just wanted to change his scenery. 1.00

00:52:43.000 You- Pretending to go pee is more fun than watching these stupid diversity-mongering films. 1.00

00:52:49.000 Kids aren't racist, dumbass! 1.00

00:52:51.000 Why are you blowing their mind? 1.00

00:52:53.000 And this whole fucking see-it-to-be-it crap 1.00

00:52:56.000 We need more women of color in action movies so they know that they rock too. 1.00

00:53:01.000 That's not how, says who?

00:53:04.000 Like where did this assumption come that you have to see it to be it? 1.00

00:53:08.000 You think Ben Carson is a brain surgeon because he was watching TV one day and there was a black brain surgeon on and he went, oh shit. 1.00

00:53:15.000 I didn't know I could be a brain surgeon. 1.00

00:53:18.000 I guess I'll go to medical school.

00:53:21.000 Thanks, movie.

00:53:24.000 No!

00:53:25.000 We're capable of... Blacks represent 14% of the population, so inevitably they're going to be watching white superheroes. 0.94

00:53:30.000 You think they sit there and go, oh shit, Superman's white, I can't enjoy this. 1.00

00:53:35.000 Oh, Santa's white, I can't enjoy Christmas. 1.00

00:53:37.000 What?

00:53:38.000 Where'd you get that from?

00:53:40.000 See it to be it. 0.99

00:53:41.000 What a ridiculous thing to ruin movies for. 0.90

00:53:47.000 You know, last night I was watching the Dick Cavett Show clip and it was Marlon Brando talking about, remember on the Oscars or something, he brought out an Indian woman to make a speech? 0.95

00:53:56.000 Yes.

00:53:56.000 Native American.

00:53:58.000 And he was talking about that and he was like, well the way that the blacks are portrayed to be goofy doofuses and Indians to be drunks and you know, Mexicans to be stupid and disgusting. 1.00

00:54:12.000 And then he goes, it's accurate. 1.00

00:54:16.000 I wanted to put one on stage so you could see.

00:54:18.000 I want to make something clear, though.

00:54:20.000 That was a different time. 0.81

00:54:21.000 And Marlon Brando, like, if that would annoy the shit out of me now, if someone had an Indian go up and accept an award, because it's tedious. 1.00

00:54:27.000 But maybe back then, you know, the American Indian movement, they took over Alcatraz. 0.83

00:54:31.000 Maybe it was different.

00:54:32.000 They had a point, maybe, back then. 0.98

00:54:33.000 I don't fucking know. 0.91

00:54:34.000 I wasn't around. 0.97

00:54:35.000 You were saying that in the 50s, too, by the way.

00:54:37.000 Yeah, so the 50s, and as far as racism goes, yes, you've got valid points at the wazoo when you're talking about the 50s and 60s, and my heart goes out to the impoverished people of color in the 50s and 60s.

00:54:51.000 Yes, totally valid points.

00:54:53.000 Let it go.

00:54:55.000 It's 2019.

00:54:57.000 People aren't racist anymore.

00:54:59.000 People aren't sexist anymore.

00:55:01.000 People are not phobic of homos. 0.99

00:55:04.000 No one gives a shit. 0.99

00:55:07.000 It's done now, and it's been done for a long ass time. 0.99

00:55:10.000 It's been done basically since the late 70s. 0.97

00:55:14.000 So, all this bullshit about how, no, it's worse than ever, we've gone back in time. 0.95

00:55:18.000 No, you want to go back in time. 0.99

00:55:20.000 You keep drudging up the past.

00:55:22.000 The past is done.

00:55:23.000 So stop ruining comedy and films and fun and getting people fired and putting signs on your lawn that say, I don't like racism. 1.00

00:55:34.000 You're fighting a ghost, dumbass! 1.00

00:55:37.000 Alright, I gotta go. 1.00

00:55:38.000 I'm working myself up a tizzy.

00:55:39.000 I love you guys and... No, I don't. 0.97

00:55:41.000 I don't even fucking know you. 0.99

00:55:42.000 I hate probably half of you. 1.00

00:55:46.000 Fuck off! 1.00

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - May 14, 2019

#139 | So, superhero movies are ruined

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Summary

Transcript