Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E100 - 100 CELEBRITIES

00:00:13.000 Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGinnis.

00:00:20.000 Dallas Coward, drive the toll, possible!

00:00:36.000 That was Black Flag on the album Damaged.

00:00:36.000 Oh my God.

00:00:41.000 That's my favorite Black Flag album.

00:00:44.000 They were a little weird before that with all their other singers.

00:00:47.000 Henry Rollins was the best Black Flag singer, clearly.

00:00:50.000 And that album had Six Pack and Damaged.

00:00:54.000 Depression's got a hold of me. 0.64

00:00:56.000 That band sucked to be in Black Flag. 0.85

00:01:01.000 They had no money. 0.99

00:01:02.000 You know, they were hardcore.

00:01:03.000 There was no market for that.

00:01:04.000 And they would practice 40 hours a week.

00:01:08.000 And we tried to cover them.

00:01:09.000 I was in an 80s hardcore cover band, and we couldn't do it.

00:01:12.000 It was too hard because it's in 5-4 time.

00:01:16.000 You notice with the beginning, it's like, it's 5-4.

00:01:23.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:01:24.000 Yeah, time signature.

00:01:25.000 It's jazzy.

00:01:27.000 They're a jazz band.

00:01:28.000 They're a hard.

00:01:31.000 Okay, normal.

00:01:37.000 About to get weird.

00:01:39.000 There.

00:01:41.000 Maybe that's not right.

00:01:42.000 Oh, listen.

00:01:45.000 That part.

00:01:47.000 It's like a little stutter.

00:01:48.000 I used to mess around with time signatures back in the day, but that's...

00:01:55.000 Gee, it's 7-8.

00:01:56.000 Anyway, wonderful band.

00:01:58.000 Henry Rollins is still going, of course.

00:02:00.000 And what you got to understand about Henry Rollins is he looks like a total badass.

00:02:05.000 He's got the tats.

00:02:07.000 And he's a tough guy.

00:02:09.000 And he's got broad shoulders and a big strong chin.

00:02:13.000 Get out of here, Mr. Strong Chin. 0.91

00:02:15.000 Gorgeous wide shoulders.

00:02:17.000 But that's not his personality. 0.93

00:02:20.000 His personality is nerd.

00:02:22.000 And I'm sure he's been in a bunch of fights because that's what it was like in the 80s with hardcore.

00:02:26.000 There were skin ends everywhere.

00:02:28.000 But the actual guy's a total geek.

00:02:31.000 Put it on your tongue and let it melt.

00:02:33.000 Well, paper doesn't melt.

00:02:34.000 And at 98.6 degrees, it's a carbon-based product, certainly.

00:02:40.000 Point and case right there.

00:02:42.000 That was so quick.

00:02:43.000 See what I'm saying?

00:02:46.000 Yeah.

00:02:47.000 Oh, that should be right up there.

00:02:49.000 God dang the thought of me.

00:02:50.000 I'm sorry.

00:02:51.000 Don't you have like a board?

00:02:53.000 We should have an iPad with them all on a board.

00:02:56.000 I have a ton of iPads at my house. 1.00

00:02:57.000 Kids go through them like fucking... 1.00

00:03:02.000 That was an ugly drop. 1.00

00:03:03.000 That was terrible.

00:03:04.000 Got it.

00:03:06.000 But yeah, he's a geek.

00:03:09.000 I want to do a thing on my opinions of 100 people.

00:03:11.000 That was your idea, actually.

00:03:12.000 And explain that, you know, Morrissey is a music groupie nerd.

00:03:22.000 So is Iggy Pop.

00:03:24.000 So Robert Smith is kidding.

00:03:26.000 He did the cure as a joke.

00:03:28.000 Lou Reed is Harmony Corinne.

00:03:30.000 He's a geeky little club kid who became heroin.

00:03:34.000 Same with Sid Vicious. 0.87

00:03:35.000 Heroin will subsume you.

00:03:36.000 It'll take over your personality.

00:03:38.000 Same with Basquiat.

00:03:39.000 Heroin became him.

00:03:41.000 Ooh, that's a good name for a book.

00:03:43.000 Heroin became him.

00:03:44.000 Yeah, that is pretty cool.

00:03:46.000 The Ryan Rivera story.

00:03:49.000 Do you like heroin?

00:03:50.000 Have you ever done any opioids?

00:03:51.000 I've ever tried heroin.

00:03:52.000 Opioids, yeah, yeah, for sure.

00:03:55.000 Kids are dropping like flies these days.

00:03:57.000 Anyway, so Rollins is still ticking along, and he decided to cover that song.

00:04:02.000 And just like De Niro in the Irishman, where you can see his age, we realize how far we've come from that version of Rise Above when we see Cindy Lauper, who's got to be 60 now.

00:04:18.000 She really does have to be 60 years old. 0.97

00:04:21.000 I need to look that up.

00:04:23.000 I got the Lauper coming.

00:04:25.000 Very lovely to the opera.

00:04:27.000 Have you seen what's on those legs?

00:04:35.000 Bam! 0.98

00:04:42.000 She's 66.

00:04:43.000 Wow.

00:04:45.000 Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.

00:04:50.000 She didn't have to do that.

00:04:51.000 Oh! 0.60

00:05:00.000 Did she get a mohawk just for this?

00:05:14.000 This is like, look at the keytar in the background.

00:05:18.000 This is the worst thing ever.

00:05:20.000 Rock of Ages was more rock and roll than this.

00:05:28.000 I like when there's duets like this and people don't know whether to look at each other or not.

00:05:33.000 Like, am I singing to you?

00:05:35.000 I watched one of the most awkward ones ever.

00:05:37.000 Triple H had Motorhead do his intro live for WrestleMania and he comes out of the stage and he just doesn't know what to do with himself.

00:05:48.000 No.

00:05:49.000 By the way, Lemmy's just making up the words.

00:05:51.000 He's like, heard it out of the game and I didn't play it.

00:05:54.000 I'm the game and you're gonna make it.

00:05:57.000 You could hear him just like you forgot all the words.

00:05:59.000 I know the words of the song because I liked it when I liked wrestling.

00:06:01.000 Look at this little hop she's doing. 0.99

00:06:04.000 Yeah, that needs to stop.

00:06:06.000 And stop looking at Henry.

00:06:07.000 He's not looking at you.

00:06:08.000 Wait, now she runs over to him and he jumps out of the way. 0.97

00:06:13.000 What is this event?

00:06:18.000 She's exhausted.

00:06:22.000 Did she just read the monitor?

00:06:23.000 She certainly did.

00:06:24.000 Everyone has the De Niro problem with their little T-Rex on.

00:06:28.000 The little hand.

00:06:28.000 Rise above.

00:06:29.000 We're gonna rise above!

00:06:37.000 Sorry?

00:06:38.000 Can't hear you, Cindy.

00:06:39.000 Can't hear you, Grandma.

00:06:42.000 She's reading the monitor.

00:06:44.000 She doesn't know what's...

00:06:52.000 It's so funny hearing these lyrics, too.

00:06:54.000 Like, that song, Rise Above, was about the teen, it was these teenagers living in, I think they were in Los Angeles at the time, but, you know, Rollins is a DC dude.

00:07:05.000 And it was like, you know, I'm depressed.

00:07:07.000 I got all this angst.

00:07:08.000 I'm broke.

00:07:09.000 I'm going to rise above it.

00:07:13.000 Now they're talking to the hands of time.

00:07:15.000 Did you see, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:07:17.000 Did you see the laugh he did after the fist exploded?

00:07:19.000 Look at what a geek he is.

00:07:25.000 I am a nerd.

00:07:26.000 That's damning. 0.69

00:07:27.000 Look at that autistic hand. 0.99

00:07:30.000 That is the worst frame ever.

00:07:32.000 That's a t-shirt.

00:07:36.000 And then he looks like nervous.

00:07:38.000 Wait, wait, what's she grabbing him for?

00:07:42.000 Dude, let's hug in front of the girl. 1.00

00:07:44.000 So awkward.

00:07:44.000 Oh, my God.

00:07:47.000 Okay, go show that again.

00:07:49.000 She was grabbing him for a hug.

00:07:51.000 Fake laugh.

00:07:52.000 Thank you.

00:07:53.000 Oh, wait.

00:07:54.000 Hey, I want to hug you.

00:07:54.000 I want to hug you.

00:07:55.000 I want to hug you.

00:07:56.000 You want to what?

00:07:56.000 What?

00:07:57.000 Oh, yeah, okay.

00:07:58.000 Hi, whatever.

00:07:59.000 Then he hugs too much.

00:08:01.000 Maybe he has Asperger's.

00:08:02.000 Yeah, it's possible.

00:08:03.000 He's got an Aspy vibe. 0.91

00:08:05.000 He's got an Aspy vibe. 0.91

00:08:06.000 That's how they hug.

00:08:07.000 They sort of don't know what they're doing and they're freaked out.

00:08:11.000 So they sort of over squeeze.

00:08:13.000 And you're like, ah, that's not really what you do.

00:08:14.000 Okay.

00:08:15.000 Yeah.

00:08:16.000 And everything that he says is like so self-contained and poignant.

00:08:19.000 It's like a never-ending train of thought.

00:08:21.000 Very Asperger's-y.

00:08:24.000 Now you have to find that wrestling clip you were talking about.

00:08:26.000 You can't talk about a clip and not show it.

00:08:30.000 You notice things sort of get a little lackadaisical at this time of year.

00:08:34.000 We've got bank shows coming up for Christmas.

00:08:36.000 We're not going to try not to miss one episode, but we might.

00:08:40.000 And we've got new shows launching.

00:08:42.000 This is the hundredth episode.

00:08:44.000 Yeah.

00:08:45.000 We'll get to that in a second.

00:08:47.000 Oh, no mustache? 0.93

00:08:49.000 Gross. 0.58

00:08:51.000 Oh, wait. 0.97

00:08:52.000 That's the one they did it twice.

00:08:55.000 Okay.

00:08:56.000 There's one where it comes out the floor.

00:09:00.000 Thanks for digging it up. 0.99

00:09:03.000 This show is off to a shit start. 0.98

00:09:05.000 we go. 1.00

00:09:19.000 Yeah!

00:09:20.000 I'm the only naked guy on stage. 0.98

00:09:21.000 Yeah, let me just spit water at him. 0.51

00:09:23.000 Yeah, he atomized water.

00:09:24.000 That's what he does.

00:09:25.000 Now he's looking around and he's like, yeah, let me just yell.

00:09:28.000 That's the big deal of spitting water.

00:09:31.000 I've seen people breathe fire.

00:09:33.000 Let me make it up the lyrics.

00:09:34.000 Let me make it up the lyrics.

00:09:50.000 I know you can't take me.

00:09:52.000 Just repeated the saying.

00:09:53.000 No, you can't take me.

00:09:54.000 That's not the words.

00:09:55.000 I know the words.

00:09:56.000 I know you can't take me.

00:09:58.000 So bad.

00:09:58.000 That guy, speaking of opioids, they're killing, I think, 20 people a day.

00:10:05.000 I have to look that up.

00:10:06.000 No, I always get that stat wrong.

00:10:09.000 But as far as speed goes, is it that bad for you?

00:10:15.000 Lemmy, I knew a band that toured Bad Wizard, the guy I was in the 80s hardcore cover band with.

00:10:19.000 They toured with Motorhead and 130 people.

00:10:23.000 Thank you.

00:10:25.000 They toured with Motorhead, and he'd have a knife.

00:10:27.000 He collected Nazi memorabilia, Lemmy. 0.80

00:10:30.000 So he'd have like a knife with a swastika on it from World War II.

00:10:35.000 You'd think that stuff would probably be cheap, right?

00:10:37.000 Because no one wants it.

00:10:39.000 Anyway, he would lick the knife and then dip it in a dinner plate that had a pile of speed on it and he would just like lick it like that.

00:10:47.000 And he did speed his entire life.

00:10:49.000 He had a pretty good run.

00:10:52.000 What's so funny?

00:10:53.000 Just that that's, yeah, I would figure so.

00:10:56.000 And he said, I saw a documentary where they interview his son and his son said, my dad said that drugs are really bad and drugs kill.

00:11:03.000 But he said, if you are going to do drugs, don't do heroin.

00:11:06.000 Do speed.

00:11:11.000 I want to find that.

00:11:12.000 I'm taking a long time to introduce this as this is our 100th episode.

00:11:19.000 Now, we don't usually have guests.

00:11:20.000 A lot of people think we can't get guests.

00:11:22.000 We can get guests and be good at it, if you will.

00:11:27.000 And today, we have a bunch of our celebrity friends are going to be calling in, congratulating us on our 100th episode.

00:11:36.000 And I have to admit, it's kind of me showing off my Rolodex, my celebrity Rolodex.

00:11:43.000 So throughout the show, I gave the number to all my celebrity friends.

00:11:47.000 Throughout the show, they'll be calling in and saying to us, hello.

00:11:52.000 Oh, have we already got one now?

00:11:53.000 Yeah, I think we do.

00:11:54.000 Who is it?

00:11:55.000 Well, let me patch in the phone's.

00:12:02.000 I'm not allowed to show that anymore.

00:12:03.000 The Skype.

00:12:06.000 Okay.

00:12:09.000 Have we got him yet?

00:12:10.000 Yeah.

00:12:12.000 Oh, my God.

00:12:13.000 Tommy Lee.

00:12:14.000 Tommy Lee Jones?

00:12:16.000 That's me, Tommy Lee Jones.

00:12:18.000 Is it true that you are the drummer for Motley Crew?

00:12:22.000 No, that's not true.

00:12:22.000 That's Tommy Jones.

00:12:24.000 That's Tommy Lee.

00:12:24.000 Tommy Jones?

00:12:26.000 Oh, but you're a totally different.

00:12:28.000 Totally different guy.

00:12:29.000 I'm part of the men in black in slick. 0.92

00:12:32.000 Let me tell you, I'm happy for your 100th episode.

00:12:36.000 Like a big old volcano.

00:12:38.000 Thank you.

00:12:39.000 Well, thanks for calling in.

00:12:40.000 I'm a big fan.

00:12:41.000 I'm not a men in black guy. 0.61

00:12:42.000 My kids love it, but I really like the fugitive.

00:12:45.000 Can you do me a favor?

00:12:46.000 Can you say, I want his phone records?

00:12:50.000 I want to see where his license plate looked that up. 0.99

00:12:52.000 If he takes a shit, I want to know about it. 0.99

00:12:54.000 I want to know the size of it. 1.00

00:12:55.000 That kind of thing.

00:12:57.000 There's an active volcano about 30 miles outside this city.

00:13:01.000 I want to know his name, number, and credit card information. 0.99

00:13:06.000 That sucks. 0.73

00:13:07.000 It's been a while. 0.99

00:13:08.000 I guess you're not that spontaneous.

00:13:13.000 Wait, what's happening?

00:13:15.000 Sorry.

00:13:15.000 Tommy Lee Joe and mouth out of here.

00:13:19.000 So that's kind of exciting.

00:13:21.000 Tommy Lee Joe.

00:13:22.000 I had no idea he was a fan.

00:13:23.000 Yeah, me neither.

00:13:24.000 We never had him on the show before, and I'm happy he's a fan.

00:13:27.000 I'm flattered.

00:13:28.000 On TGMS, though, you.

00:13:30.000 You didn't even have him on there?

00:13:31.000 Nope.

00:13:32.000 Huh.

00:13:33.000 Now, we've had, you know what I like about this show? 0.99

00:13:36.000 I can be not knowledgeable about stuff, and then people will call in and go, no, asshole, it's not 30 opioid deaths. 0.98

00:13:42.000 It's 130 or something like that. 0.98

00:13:44.000 So we had some sleuths send us letters.

00:13:48.000 I'm not doing the mailbag yet, but someone sent me a letter recently abroad.

00:13:55.000 I was very excited because I sometimes worry we don't have enough female viewers.

00:14:00.000 But this broad sent me a letter, and I guess we're jumping ahead to the mailbag. 1.00

00:14:07.000 She said, her name's Jessica.

00:14:08.000 I said, that guy, Avi Kaplan, from the band Pentatonics, was actually dating Trisha Paytas, the chubby blonde girl from that fake trans video. 0.99

00:14:17.000 This is the fat chick who thinks she's a dude, but isn't going to get a penis or anything. 1.00

00:14:22.000 So she's just a gay man, because I guess she likes it in the butt. 1.00

00:14:29.000 He wanted to keep the relationship a secret, but after they broke up, she exposed him and told everyone that he was really bad on drugs and a bunch of other stuff. 0.99

00:14:35.000 I think she even made a video saying that he has herpes.

00:14:37.000 Big deal.

00:14:38.000 Who doesn't have herpes? 1.00

00:14:39.000 If you don't have herpes, you're a loser. 1.00

00:14:41.000 You haven't lived. 0.99

00:14:43.000 It was around the same time that he left Pentatonics.

00:14:46.000 I think he really got kicked out for being toxic.

00:14:48.000 He's still making solo music on his YouTube channel.

00:14:51.000 Here is him and Tricia together.

00:14:53.000 What is his name again?

00:14:54.000 Avi Kaplan?

00:14:55.000 Avi Kaplan.

00:14:55.000 He's got his own band called Avrielle.

00:15:00.000 They did a cover of Hey Yeah that is the most sacrum and schmaltzy thing I've ever seen.

00:15:08.000 Just look up Avi Kaplan.

00:15:10.000 Hey Yeah.

00:15:11.000 I got you.

00:15:12.000 Well, this is her.

00:15:14.000 She's a chunky girl. 1.00

00:15:16.000 Whoa.

00:15:16.000 This was supposed to be a deleted video somebody re-uploaded.

00:15:19.000 I'm not even gonna be emotional right now.

00:15:20.000 Like I have zero emotions in me.

00:15:25.000 Like actually none.

00:15:27.000 Like actually zero.

00:15:28.000 Like I got off the phone with a ton of people just now back to back.

00:15:30.000 The last person being Avi Kaplan from fucking used to be Pentatonics now just doing whatever he's doing. 0.95

00:15:38.000 Being deceitful and manipulative to people. 0.97

00:15:43.000 I'm like just I'm like no I'm enjoying this. 0.97

00:15:47.000 I'm thinking about I'm looking at her and thinking about her sex appeal because she's so ugly yet she does have this strange sex appeal like almost like being the personification of pornography like you don't feel good about it. 1.00

00:16:01.000 Wow. 0.99

00:16:02.000 She's like a like a piece of cake. 1.00

00:16:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:04.000 Like definitely not good for you. 0.97

00:16:05.000 She's junk food. 1.00

00:16:05.000 No. 1.00

00:16:06.000 She's more than any other person.

00:16:08.000 I've ever been blind-sided in my life. 1.00

00:16:08.000 She's junk. 1.00

00:16:11.000 I am like numb. 1.00

00:16:13.000 My heart is like racing, but I'm just like, I'm just.

00:16:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:16:19.000 Can you get to it, please?

00:16:20.000 I don't care how you feel.

00:16:21.000 For the record, I stand by this video.

00:16:23.000 I take back any of the other videos because the guy is a manipulator.

00:16:26.000 He came over Wednesday after I made that post and like cried with me and hugged me and stayed the night with me and stuff like thinking like he cares.

00:16:35.000 And then I'm going to say that.

00:16:36.000 Is your hair made of plastic?

00:16:37.000 Yeah, there's some glitter strands in it.

00:16:39.000 I'm like seeing text messages from actual people.

00:16:41.000 I don't know what the hell that's.

00:16:42.000 I think it's extensions.

00:16:43.000 He talks to me.

00:16:44.000 Yeah.

00:16:46.000 Tinsel?

00:16:47.000 A lot of people put plastic tinsel in their hair.

00:16:50.000 This is like a Christmas ornament.

00:16:53.000 And most of all is the fact that people blindly support this guy.

00:16:57.000 Looks more like a snowman.

00:16:58.000 Say something, please.

00:17:00.000 Jesus.

00:17:02.000 This guy is so. 1.00

00:17:03.000 Did he rape you? 1.00

00:17:05.000 Is he a heroin addict? 1.00

00:17:06.000 How much does he do?

00:17:08.000 That guy's so great.

00:17:10.000 What ex-girlfriend doesn't say that their previous boyfriend was Manapela?

00:17:14.000 It's like all your secrets are in an envelope, but the envelope's covered in like poo-poo. 1.00

00:17:18.000 It's like nobody's going to buy it. 1.00

00:17:19.000 Shut up, Brian. 1.00

00:17:21.000 Just jump in the middle. 1.00

00:17:22.000 Maybe she gets to her points at some point.

00:17:25.000 I don't know if that's how he's losing brain cells because the amount of people that have come forward and the way he messes with girls and fans.

00:17:34.000 I'm like, dude, that's so scary. 1.00

00:17:36.000 Like, I can't tell if you're just dumb. 0.99

00:17:37.000 Like, I feel, like I said, I honestly feel so bad that he's at this level. 1.00

00:17:46.000 What level?

00:17:47.000 I feel like I, well, one, like I said, I wanted to clear my name more than anything and the herpes thing and all that.

00:17:51.000 So I just, I had to clear it the main purpose of this video.

00:17:54.000 Two, I need him to have a wake-up call.

00:17:58.000 Like, he's ruining himself.

00:18:01.000 It's so sad.

00:18:05.000 Oh, imagine dating her after you're done. 0.56

00:18:08.000 You have to hang out with that?

00:18:10.000 I don't know what to believe.

00:18:11.000 She's like something out of that movie with the elves and the fairies and stuff.

00:18:18.000 Dark crystal.

00:18:19.000 She looks like a puppet from Dark Crystal.

00:18:21.000 That's pretty good.

00:18:22.000 Jim Henson presents Trissa Paytas.

00:18:27.000 Yes?

00:18:28.000 She is so self-indulgent, it's mind-blowing.

00:18:30.000 Oh, just tears.

00:18:32.000 I just hope this is multiple people that know him personally have said this.

00:18:36.000 Have you noticed that there's certain people that are so lazy they can't even pronounce things? 0.95

00:18:39.000 Like that black guy who said Tucker Carlson. 0.96

00:18:42.000 Why does Tucker Carlson have a job here?

00:18:44.000 But he goes, why does Tucker Cars have a job here?

00:18:46.000 What does he call him again?

00:18:47.000 Tucker Cars.

00:18:48.000 Yeah.

00:18:49.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:51.000 Multiple people.

00:18:52.000 Multiple people beside his mouth.

00:18:54.000 Tucker Cars.

00:18:55.000 This is multiple people.

00:18:56.000 Is it white supremacist?

00:18:58.000 They know firsthand. 0.94

00:18:59.000 Guarantee she says white supremacist.

00:19:01.000 I just want him to get help. 0.98

00:19:03.000 And misogynistic.

00:19:05.000 Because I'm so scared for what's about to come for him.

00:19:08.000 And I wanted to share my story and just get that.

00:19:12.000 More of the story, guys. 1.00

00:19:13.000 I know it's tempting after a few beers to fuck a stupid fat slut. 1.00

00:19:17.000 Don't do it. 1.00

00:19:21.000 It's going to become her identity.

00:19:22.000 You're going to become...

00:19:26.000 Now, the song, Hey Yeah, is one of the greatest Songs ever written: Avrielle and the Sequoias.

00:19:37.000 Sequoias is impossible to spell.

00:19:41.000 How are you ever going to look that up?

00:19:43.000 Right.

00:19:44.000 I'm looking at it right now and I cannot spell it.

00:19:47.000 Good point.

00:19:47.000 It's S-E-Q, and then there's a bunch of O's and U's and I's.

00:19:50.000 Well, the U is a given.

00:19:52.000 Once you get, I can get to the sec, and then someone barfed vowels.

00:19:55.000 Look at his nostrils!

00:19:59.000 Oh.

00:20:00.000 What kind of necklace is that?

00:20:02.000 Is he a chubby chaser?

00:20:03.000 Is that what this is about?

00:20:04.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:20:05.000 Is that like a piece from a guillotine?

00:20:08.000 Yeah, it looks like it has some functionality to it.

00:20:12.000 Besides distracting from three chins. 0.83

00:20:18.000 This is the douche episode.

00:20:20.000 But does she really want to get stand to see me walk out the door?

00:20:29.000 Don't try.

00:20:30.000 I want to get like some sort of digital arachnoid, some sort of cyber thing, like a millipede that's made by Boston Dynamics and just send it up his nostril. 0.64

00:20:44.000 So it goes in and eats his brain.

00:20:46.000 Like I want to put aliens up his nose. 0.53

00:20:49.000 That's natural. 1.00

00:20:50.000 That's how I want him to die. 0.99

00:20:52.000 Listen to this. 0.99

00:20:55.000 Just got real bodified shivers.

00:21:00.000 Why would you want to hear that in a song?

00:21:02.000 Why would you want to hear a party trick in a song?

00:21:06.000 So that was his role at Pentatonics, right?

00:21:08.000 He was the party trick.

00:21:10.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:21:11.000 Oh, duck the halls.

00:21:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:15.000 That is as practical as Russian line dancing, just to throw that in the song.

00:21:19.000 Put on Hey Yeah, just so we can see what a dumb move that was to cover that song. 0.97

00:21:24.000 By the way, that has 6.2 million hits, so maybe I'm the dumb one. 0.79

00:21:30.000 I saw this song being created in Andre the 3000's head. 0.77

00:21:35.000 What?

00:21:38.000 You're like Forrest Gump.

00:21:39.000 20 volts.

00:21:40.000 That's my...

00:21:42.000 1, 2, 3, 2, 5, baby, baby.

00:21:45.000 So bad because you...

00:21:47.000 I'll handle it from here.

00:21:49.000 Someone get me my banjo and my party trick voice.

00:21:55.000 Hey, I'm a novelty.

00:21:57.000 Novelty in the Sequoias.

00:22:02.000 Dude, the bass is too jumpy.

00:22:05.000 Not enough guitars.

00:22:07.000 Where's the banjos?

00:22:09.000 Where's the a cappella vibes?

00:22:11.000 Hey, where's the cajon drum? 0.99

00:22:13.000 Where's the fat chick with a guillotine around her neck? 1.00

00:22:16.000 And she has a black tambourine, which is very cool. 0.94

00:22:19.000 It's not a typical tambourine.

00:22:26.000 All right, that's it.

00:22:29.000 Yeah, it was 2000, maybe?

00:22:32.000 2001.

00:22:34.000 And there was a Levi's party that we were at.

00:22:38.000 Vice co-sponsored it.

00:22:41.000 It was very elitist in that very few people had tickets.

00:22:46.000 And the strokes were playing.

00:22:48.000 And I was standing next to Andre 3000, who was there with his fellow Outcast member.

00:22:52.000 What's his name?

00:22:53.000 Big Boy?

00:22:54.000 Ew, have I had this the whole show?

00:22:56.000 Uh-oh.

00:22:57.000 Gross.

00:23:00.000 And the Strokes were pretty new at the time. 0.83

00:23:04.000 And rock was pretty much dead.

00:23:06.000 Like the 90s had been all that rave, dance music, Apex Twin, Techno 808 State.

00:23:12.000 And so there we go.

00:23:17.000 The guitars were sort of out in the 90s, and they were just creeping back in 2000.

00:23:22.000 And then the strokes came out, and they were a bonafide, like CBGB's art rock, classic rock and roll band.

00:23:28.000 And they were playing, and I just saw Andre 3000 go, his jaw hit the floor.

00:23:35.000 And they had just, I think they had done a set too that was very rappy.

00:23:38.000 Cooler than Napole Bear's toenails.

00:23:40.000 Oh, well, there I go again.

00:23:41.000 Talk about jive or whatever the kids are saying.

00:23:44.000 And I saw a little mental switch go off.

00:23:47.000 And then he came out with Heya, and he wanted to pursue a rock thing.

00:23:50.000 And then Andre 3000 sort of ended as a thing.

00:23:55.000 Isn't that interesting?

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:58.000 That was the moment where it was like, I'm getting out of the rap deal.

00:24:04.000 Yeah.

00:24:05.000 You're kidding.

00:24:06.000 No.

00:24:08.000 Well, answer it.

00:24:10.000 Oh, uh.

00:24:12.000 Hello?

00:24:13.000 Hey.

00:24:14.000 Hello?

00:24:15.000 Hello?

00:24:16.000 Is this another celebrity calling us on our 100th anniversary show?

00:24:22.000 We've done multiple shows.

00:24:25.000 Correct.

00:24:26.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:24:27.000 The President of the United States is on the line.

00:24:31.000 Donald Trump here.

00:24:33.000 Mr. Trump, it's an honor.

00:24:35.000 I've been wanting to get you on the show since our first episode.

00:24:38.000 It's cool that you're on the hundredths.

00:24:40.000 I appreciate the support.

00:24:42.000 You've always been in my corner, frankly.

00:24:44.000 Yeah.

00:24:45.000 We don't forget things like that.

00:24:46.000 Great friend.

00:24:47.000 Great guy.

00:24:48.000 Well, there's proud boys in jail that could do with a pardon.

00:24:51.000 A lot of pardons need to happen.

00:24:53.000 Let's wait.

00:24:54.000 Let's see.

00:24:54.000 Let's wait.

00:24:55.000 Roger Stone, too.

00:24:56.000 The re-election.

00:24:58.000 Let's get past all the impeachment.

00:25:00.000 We're going to figure it out.

00:25:00.000 Yeah.

00:25:02.000 That's a long ways away.

00:25:03.000 They're going to be in maximum.

00:25:04.000 Max Hair is in maximum security for January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October.

00:25:10.000 That's like a year.

00:25:11.000 It's not great.

00:25:12.000 Not great.

00:25:13.000 Very disappointed about it, honestly.

00:25:16.000 There's a lot of things I could do, and frankly, there's a lot of things I'm going to do.

00:25:18.000 There's going to be some great things.

00:25:19.000 Frankly, it's going to be fantastic.

00:25:21.000 You keep supporting me.

00:25:23.000 I promise I'm not going to let you down. 1.00

00:25:27.000 I just want to kiss your ass because that's my first instinct as a fan. 1.00

00:25:30.000 But I would be remiss as a host of a show not to break your balls a little bit and ask you things like, what is going on with the wall? 1.00

00:25:39.000 The wall, we got pieces of the wall going up and all over the place, basically. 0.98

00:25:44.000 There's lots of places that it's going up.

00:25:46.000 Frankly, there's a lot of places that it's not going up.

00:25:48.000 We're going to put the fence up where it needs to be.

00:25:50.000 It's a great, beautiful wall.

00:25:51.000 And the ice agents, they're doing really good down there. 0.99

00:25:54.000 We got smart fence, dumb fence. 1.00

00:25:56.000 We got all sorts of fences for dumb people, smart people. 1.00

00:25:58.000 If you come here, you're going to have a hard time. 0.99

00:26:01.000 Okay, but I just, when we would go to your rallies in 2016, you'd say, build the wall, build the wall.

00:26:08.000 And I imagined a physical wall, not ice agents or a smart fence.

00:26:17.000 Oh, he's gone.

00:26:21.000 I don't know if he likes being pressured like that.

00:26:23.000 There's a strange thing with some of these callers where lips appear on my microphone.

00:26:27.000 Yeah, that's flag mic.

00:26:30.000 The new update.

00:26:32.000 The new update?

00:26:34.000 iOS.

00:26:35.000 Okay.

00:26:36.000 So we got the pentatonics thing out of the way.

00:26:40.000 Another viewer sent in this story.

00:26:42.000 I don't think I sent this to you in the notes, but in Scotland, someone put up some signs that say it's okay to be white.

00:26:49.000 You know, I'm putting together for the January 2nd show, the first live podcast show of 2020.

00:26:57.000 I want to have the 19 most retarded moments in 2019. 1.00

00:27:00.000 And though I just heard about this today, this could be in it.

00:27:06.000 I mean, this whole concept should be in it.

00:27:08.000 Perth city center.

00:27:10.000 Perth is a wee bit north of Glasgow and all.

00:27:13.000 It's okay to be white. 0.97

00:27:14.000 Stickers condemned.

00:27:16.000 See that?

00:27:17.000 Someone's put these offensive stickers around town.

00:27:21.000 Look how fun.

00:27:22.000 Like, don't you get the joke?

00:27:24.000 You're being ridiculed.

00:27:26.000 When you find it offensive for someone to say it's okay to be a race, then you're lampooned as a nutbar. 0.70

00:27:34.000 What about it's okay to be black? 0.98

00:27:36.000 What about it's okay to be Muslim? 1.00

00:27:38.000 You know, it's the exact same thing with those posters that say Islam is right about women, which I fucking love. 0.99

00:27:46.000 That is so funny because you put them in an awkward situation, right? 0.97

00:27:50.000 Where they either have to disagree with Islam on women, oh, which I do. 1.00

00:27:55.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:58.000 Bo, I disagree with Islam. 0.99

00:28:03.000 Or you say, yes, women should only have 50% of the democracy in a court of law. 1.00

00:28:14.000 So, for example, if a woman was raped and she has one witness, sorry, she has two witnesses and he has one witness saying that he's innocent, then they both have the same number of witnesses because her two is worth his one.

00:28:31.000 That is like the most boilerplate caveman sexism you can get.

00:28:38.000 It's almost like, and I know this is a cliche, but it's almost like it's in the dictionary under sexism.

00:28:44.000 What would be an example of sexism?

00:28:46.000 I don't know.

00:28:46.000 Like maybe in a court of law, their testimony is worth half that of a man's?

00:28:51.000 I don't know.

00:28:52.000 Well, that's a crazy scenario, but thanks.

00:28:55.000 Because now I understand what sexism is.

00:28:57.000 Islam is right about women. 1.00

00:28:58.000 So anyway, this article is funny because go through it, scroll down. 0.94

00:29:04.000 It says, oh yeah, the seconding and disgusting.

00:29:08.000 The message originally appeared in 2017 poster in the US.

00:29:12.000 I like this one, though.

00:29:15.000 Oh, yeah.

00:29:16.000 One person told the group, I'm certainly worried the new...

00:29:21.000 I can't read it now, Ryan.

00:29:23.000 Stop moving everything around.

00:29:24.000 It was fine.

00:29:26.000 I'm certainly worried now for my daughters who are no white but are fair.

00:29:32.000 Now, wait a minute.

00:29:33.000 It says it's okay to be white. 0.99

00:29:35.000 So if you think it's okay to be white, that means you want to hurt non-whites? 0.99

00:29:41.000 It's seconding and disgusting to know that people think like this. 0.99

00:29:44.000 That's one of my favorite lines in an article effort. 0.94

00:29:47.000 That it's okay to be white. 0.96

00:29:48.000 Well, being white is hurting people of color. 0.99

00:29:51.000 So if it's okay to be white, it's okay to hurt people of color. 1.00

00:29:54.000 Oh, I see. 1.00

00:29:54.000 Because to be white is to be a violent racist. 1.00

00:29:57.000 So you're saying you condone that. 0.99

00:29:57.000 Yes. 0.99

00:29:59.000 Bathing in slave blood and things of that nature?

00:30:01.000 If you will. 0.99

00:30:02.000 It's sickening and disgusting that some people think it's okay to be white. 0.99

00:30:07.000 It's clearly not okay. 0.99

00:30:10.000 That's literally what it says.

00:30:12.000 I'm not exaggerating. 0.99

00:30:13.000 It just said it's sickening and disgusting to think it's okay to be white. 0.98

00:30:19.000 Look, it's posted by Perth against racism. 0.98

00:30:24.000 Yeah, and they're against racism and they don't think it's okay to be white. 1.00

00:30:27.000 That's racist, you stupid idiots. 1.00

00:30:32.000 Sheesh, McGee. 1.00

00:30:33.000 That's got to get one in Clown World, right?

00:30:35.000 I may have to knock one off the list, though.

00:30:40.000 Okay, speaking of things that are hilarious, I found a funny Asian. 1.00

00:30:46.000 No.

00:30:47.000 Yeah, I've never heard of him before, Ronnie Cheng.

00:30:51.000 And I don't mean funny like affirmative action, like the gay dude who's on SNL now, who plays an Asian gay dude in every sketch. 0.75

00:31:00.000 This guy is genuinely bona fide, Louis C.K. funny.

00:31:06.000 With his own personality and he telling it like it is, like everything that comedy should be, this guy is.

00:31:12.000 He's my new favorite.

00:31:14.000 My wife says that I have tone issues.

00:31:17.000 So everything I say sounds sarcastic or angry.

00:31:22.000 Apparently.

00:31:25.000 But listen to the words, not the tone, please.

00:31:29.000 At a great wedding, I do again hoppy.

00:31:30.000 It was awesome.

00:31:33.000 Three was not enough.

00:31:36.000 Your friends are amazing.

00:31:40.000 I love my wife a lot, but marriage has definitely made me a worse person.

00:31:44.000 Before I got married, I used to care because I was trying to get laid. 0.73

00:31:47.000 Now I don't care anymore.

00:31:48.000 All I care about is my wife's opinion about me and her well-being.

00:31:52.000 That's all I care about. 1.00

00:31:53.000 I don't give a fuck about any of these other idiots on internet, or even her friends, come and talk to my wife's friends. 1.00

00:31:59.000 Hey, Ronnie, how I'm like, fuck this shit. 1.00

00:32:00.000 I just gotta walk away. 1.00

00:32:03.000 When my wife's friends come and talk to me, I can't even muster the bare minimum that society requires of me to interact with this person.

00:32:10.000 Just say, hey, Ronnie, how are you? 0.99

00:32:11.000 I'm like, oh, fuck this. 1.00

00:32:12.000 I just gotta walk away. 1.00

00:32:15.000 Oh, man.

00:32:16.000 Dude, that is so true.

00:32:20.000 Marriage makes you sexist because you don't realize how much of the time you've been talking to women. 1.00

00:32:25.000 Thinking this is going to get me pussy somehow. 1.00

00:32:27.000 Even like a fat, ugly chick, you're friends with her To help facilitate sex with maybe one of her friends. 1.00

00:32:33.000 You don't realize it. 1.00

00:32:34.000 You think you're just a cool guy.

00:32:36.000 I'm kind of a feminist.

00:32:37.000 You should see how many female friends I have. 1.00

00:32:41.000 And then you realize they're not my friends.

00:32:44.000 I'm using them. 1.00

00:32:45.000 My dick has brainwashed me. 1.00

00:32:47.000 And then once that's not happening, you're just like, what are we doing here? 1.00

00:32:51.000 Why are you talking to me? 0.98

00:32:52.000 I really do feel exactly what I just get the fuck. 0.99

00:32:56.000 Like, even if I walk into a bar and a woman's there, I'll just go, oh, for fuck's sakes, what are they doing here? 1.00

00:33:02.000 It goes back to before you were trying to get laid, like when you were 10, and you'd go over to your friend's house to play Star Wars, and then there'd be a chick there. 1.00

00:33:09.000 You'd be like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:33:11.000 Darren, what is that doing here? 0.99

00:33:14.000 It's like, it's my sister, dude.

00:33:16.000 Get her upstairs. 0.99

00:33:17.000 That's why when you go to parties, like at my age, where everyone's married, there's a parting of the C's. 0.77

00:33:26.000 The women are in the kitchen chatting away or in another room.

00:33:30.000 And the men are in some secluded area.

00:33:33.000 Like at my house, it's my study, which is like down some steps behind a door.

00:33:37.000 I'll have some whiskey behind a thing.

00:33:39.000 Maybe we can just pour some.

00:33:41.000 We don't congregate.

00:33:43.000 Like maybe at baseball, I might exchange a couple words, but even then, like there's one woman who was a doctor.

00:33:50.000 So the only way I could amuse myself was to ask her questions like that thing about not going to sleep after you hit your head, that's not really a thing, right?

00:33:58.000 I mean, you're either knocked out, boom, you're out.

00:34:01.000 You either have a concussion or you don't.

00:34:04.000 Like no one gets hit, is fine for 10 minutes and then goes.

00:34:09.000 And she said, yeah, yeah, that's basically it.

00:34:10.000 You're either knocked out or not.

00:34:13.000 Oh, we've got, this is getting a little intrusive.

00:34:17.000 I wish I didn't know so many famous people.

00:34:21.000 I wish this show wasn't, oh, my old boss, Ezra Levant.

00:34:24.000 I don't know.

00:34:25.000 Gavin, I don't know if it's if I'm famous or I just I've known you for a long time.

00:34:30.000 Yeah, I have you're an inspiration, Ezra.

00:34:32.000 You know, I remember when I first saw you, heard of you was when you printed the Muhammad cartoons. 1.00

00:34:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:38.000 Lucky to be live after that, you know, because.

00:34:41.000 And she said, what was your, the government employee of the Canadian Human Rights Commission said, what was your motive for doing this?

00:34:49.000 And he said, if you were my friend, if you were a relative, I might tell you, but you're the government.

00:34:53.000 It's none of your business.

00:34:54.000 Yeah, I have no business, you know, talking to you about the government.

00:34:57.000 I mean, why do you want to know so much information about me?

00:35:00.000 But, you know, Gavin, I would tell you anything.

00:35:03.000 And my deepest, darkest secrets, they belong to you.

00:35:06.000 So if you'd like, ask me something deeply personal.

00:35:08.000 I'll tell you what.

00:35:11.000 I remember I once asked you something personal.

00:35:13.000 I think you were at my house if you were calling.

00:35:14.000 I said, can you imagine if your wife cheated on you, how devastated you'd be? 0.99

00:35:18.000 And you didn't.

00:35:19.000 You're not into those kind of mind games.

00:35:21.000 Theoretically, I'm like the.

00:35:23.000 Yeah, you just went like, I would be devastated.

00:35:26.000 I mean, I would be.

00:35:27.000 I don't know why you'd bring that up because I'm actually, it's upsetting to think about.

00:35:31.000 Yeah, I like things that are upsetting to think about.

00:35:33.000 Yeah, but why?

00:35:33.000 That's a Scottish thing.

00:35:35.000 That's where Scots and Jews differ. 0.99

00:35:37.000 Where we like the darkness.

00:35:39.000 Yeah, I like your worst.

00:35:41.000 I like the light stuff.

00:35:42.000 I like to keep it pretty light.

00:35:45.000 I mean, it's not like it's the Holocaust that makes Jews sense of negativity because we had 800 years of oppression from the English, and we still like being under duress.

00:35:56.000 Yeah, of course.

00:35:57.000 I mean, but that's a sort of duress that I mean, I like to be able to fight back, and there's kind of nothing you could do.

00:36:03.000 Well, that's something you taught me a long time ago, the whole concept of remaining the happy warrior.

00:36:08.000 That's right.

00:36:09.000 And I can't thank you enough for just that one tip because every time things seem overwhelming, I remember happy warrior, happy warrior.

00:36:15.000 And the beauty of that mentality is it helps you see the humor in all, like in the, it's okay to be white.

00:36:22.000 A different mindset could find that totally depressing and disheartening and discouraging.

00:36:27.000 And even when you're outnumbered and you, let's say we take the analogy, you have one sword, you're one guy, maybe three army members, and you see a whole cavalry coming towards you.

00:36:38.000 It's just some cosmic joke.

00:36:39.000 You have to laugh.

00:36:40.000 You have to say, oh, this is brilliant.

00:36:41.000 This is kind of funny.

00:36:42.000 I got to say, it's fun talking to you because I consider you a friend, but we have kind of a high caliber of celebrities on the show today.

00:36:49.000 Tommy, the drummer from Motley Crew was here.

00:36:52.000 I'd rather keep it to like non-Canadian superstars. 1.00

00:36:56.000 No problem.

00:36:57.000 Well, we'll see you soon, all right?

00:36:59.000 You be good.

00:36:59.000 And thanks for all you did for Tommy Robinson.

00:37:01.000 Congratulations, Mike.

00:37:01.000 Oh, no problem.

00:37:03.000 Tommy Robinson's latest shit is he's getting sued for Islamophobia to the tune of $500,000. 0.99

00:37:12.000 And Ezra was just there researching it, reporting on, I should say. 0.99

00:37:17.000 And he said he was in the courtroom and both sides, Tommy's lawyers and their lawyers, were just talking about their fees the entire time.

00:37:24.000 No details about the case and defamation, just about what they deserve, how much they should charge. 0.98

00:37:31.000 Fucking bizarre. 0.93

00:37:33.000 Anyway, yeah, Ronnie. 0.98

00:37:34.000 Sorry, go ahead.

00:37:35.000 Well, while I saw, you know, Ezra here.

00:37:39.000 Hi, Gavin.

00:37:40.000 How are you?

00:37:41.000 Oh, hi, Faith.

00:37:42.000 Another Canadian celeb.

00:37:42.000 Wow.

00:37:44.000 Yep, I just figured, you know, he just hung up the phone.

00:37:46.000 I was here.

00:37:47.000 So I figured I'd say hello to you.

00:37:50.000 You know what you may want to consider, Faith, is just a little bit of bleach on the old top lip there.

00:37:54.000 You seem to be getting a bit of a...

00:37:57.000 Well, Gavin, always congratulations on the 100th episode.

00:38:01.000 Thank you very much, Faith.

00:38:02.000 Did you get my Christmas card yet?

00:38:04.000 What?

00:38:05.000 Did you get my Christmas card?

00:38:06.000 Yeah.

00:38:07.000 Okay.

00:38:07.000 That's great.

00:38:08.000 I wouldn't hate a Christmas card from you.

00:38:10.000 Oh, she hung up. 0.82

00:38:12.000 Yeah, it's kind of weird when you hand out Christmas cards and then you go, you look at the list and you go, none of the people I sent a Christmas card gave me a Christmas card. 0.98

00:38:19.000 That does suck. 0.84

00:38:20.000 That hurts. 0.98

00:38:21.000 This is going to be the first year I'm doing a Christmas card.

00:38:23.000 I'm inspired by you. 1.00

00:38:24.000 Ryan, it's too late, you fucking card. 1.00

00:38:27.000 Oh, man. 1.00

00:38:28.000 They're not going to get...

00:38:28.000 Yeah.

00:38:33.000 No, not on Christmas.

00:38:35.000 What?

00:38:35.000 They get them and they're on their mantelpiece for the duration of December.

00:38:40.000 They throw them in the recycling on New Year's Eve.

00:38:43.000 I never throw my Christmas cards away.

00:38:45.000 You don't have any.

00:38:46.000 Where are your Christmas cards?

00:38:48.000 All five of them I've kept since I was five.

00:38:53.000 But yeah, that Ronnie.

00:38:54.000 Another funny thing about marriage, too.

00:38:56.000 Oh, sorry.

00:38:57.000 The reason I love that joke that Ronnie Chang just did is it's so brutally honest, and it's something I hadn't totally admitted to myself, and that is comedy in its purest form.

00:38:57.000 Sorry.

00:39:06.000 That's art in its purest form.

00:39:09.000 What art does is it takes something like this, right, and it puts it in an art museum. 1.00

00:39:15.000 And then you look at a World War II army helmet as a piece of art, the structure of it, the aesthetic, and it makes you sort of re-see, recognize, as my fucking professors at school used to say, making up their stupid words. 0.98

00:39:31.000 But you sort of reassess things that you normally take for granted. 0.99

00:39:35.000 And that makes you smarter.

00:39:37.000 You're wiser now.

00:39:38.000 You have more information.

00:39:39.000 That's what I love about art.

00:39:40.000 That's what it should be, ideally.

00:39:42.000 You take this toothbrush, brushing your teeth, and it's a song about brushing your teeth.

00:39:46.000 And all of a sudden, you have a new perspective and brush your teeth.

00:39:48.000 Now you have more experience in your life.

00:39:50.000 So he's making you smarter by making you recognize things that are right in front of your face.

00:39:54.000 The symbols.

00:39:56.000 That's what Ronnie Chang just did. 0.97

00:39:59.000 You know, another thing, too, about it is when that first happens, when you get married, and you're just like, get the fuck out of here. 0.95

00:40:05.000 Oh, and also, too, the opinion. 0.98

00:40:08.000 Like, I'll wake up and last year was a rough year for the family with all this like doxing and people attacking me and all that shit. 0.99

00:40:17.000 So I'd hear, if I heard her say, oh, no, or something downstairs, like she read an article, I'd go, fuck, there goes the day. 0.99

00:40:24.000 But then if I see her and she's like, morning, I go, oh, I can relax now. 0.99

00:40:28.000 I don't care about anything else, getting sued, getting attacked physically, boring.

00:40:33.000 But all you care about is your wife.

00:40:35.000 Happy wife, happy life. 0.99

00:40:37.000 That's so fucking true. 0.98

00:40:39.000 And oh, sorry, one more thing on this. 0.98

00:40:42.000 So you get married and you first, you go, why are women here? 1.00

00:40:44.000 I don't, I'm not fucking you. 1.00

00:40:45.000 Get out of here. 0.99

00:40:46.000 What are you doing here?

00:40:48.000 Or like my gay friend was being attacked by this woman and they're so good at adrenaline control gaze that I think he had a, he was rolling a cigarette and he's like, what? 1.00

00:40:58.000 And then he realized that she was lecturing him and he just goes, fuck off, you ugly bitch. 1.00

00:41:06.000 It was like the way you talk to your sister when you didn't like her, you know? 1.00

00:41:10.000 And being good at it, if you will.

00:41:12.000 It was exactly like that kid I was talking about yesterday where he said, your son called my son the D word.

00:41:19.000 I want you to apologize to him right now.

00:41:22.000 No.

00:41:23.000 Why not? 1.00

00:41:24.000 Because he is a dick. 1.00

00:41:28.000 Oh. 1.00

00:41:31.000 Yeah.

00:41:32.000 I got to be frank.

00:41:33.000 I appreciate, frankly, I appreciate these celebrities calling, and I'm sure you guys at home love seeing celebs on the show, but I don't know.

00:41:44.000 It's kind of, it's killing my rhythm.

00:41:46.000 It feels intrusive.

00:41:47.000 It feels intrusive, yes.

00:41:49.000 Precisely.

00:41:50.000 So maybe we can ignore some calls or let them pile up a little bit?

00:41:54.000 I've actually ignored a couple already.

00:41:55.000 Oh, really?

00:41:56.000 So I'm just trying to get to as many as possible.

00:41:58.000 I'm only putting on the ones that I think are.

00:42:01.000 No more Canadians. 1.00

00:42:02.000 No offense, my hometown, my homeland.

00:42:06.000 But I need like maximum fame.

00:42:08.000 So now, like, Mick Jagger levels, Beyonce, or friends.

00:42:17.000 You know what I mean?

00:42:18.000 Yeah.

00:42:18.000 Not that Ezra and Faith aren't friends.

00:42:21.000 Did you know a woman saw Faith Goldie at a bar in Toronto, and one man yelled, oh my God, that's a racist. 0.74

00:42:29.000 And then he started pointing at her like a zombie movie, like Donald Sutherland going, and the woman didn't know who Faith was.

00:42:40.000 And she said, wait, that's a racist. 0.94

00:42:42.000 No idea who Faith was.

00:42:43.000 She was just taking the word of the guy that was pointing.

00:42:47.000 And she said, that's a racist. 0.99

00:42:50.000 And she started convulsing. 0.99

00:42:53.000 And I've mentioned this on the show before, was like in a ball on the ground going, like having a complete and total meltdown the way you would if you were like a POW in World War II and you saw the guy who was torturing.

00:43:08.000 Oh, and Benjamin.

00:43:09.000 She was in a ball?

00:43:11.000 Yeah, she was shaking in a ball on the ground.

00:43:13.000 Yeah, like the earth isn't because not a ball.

00:43:16.000 Why do you got to jump right to that?

00:43:19.000 What do you mean, dude?

00:43:20.000 It's like we live on a lie.

00:43:22.000 Sodomites.

00:43:23.000 You're wrong.

00:43:25.000 You're right about a lot of stuff.

00:43:26.000 And I appreciate that you're going so deep on the conspiracy theories because you should always have people drumming up the silt.

00:43:33.000 You know?

00:43:33.000 Sunlight's the best disinfectant.

00:43:35.000 Let's get it up there.

00:43:36.000 Don't go after me with the flat earth.

00:43:38.000 You see what I did to Anthony Kumia?

00:43:40.000 Yeah, I don't think you won that one.

00:43:43.000 I outed that he's down syndrome-y and a boomer.

00:43:47.000 Did you see that?

00:43:48.000 No, I didn't.

00:43:49.000 Is there funny syndrome-y?

00:43:51.000 Yeah.

00:43:52.000 Owen Benjamin has some dirt since he's been on the compound before, like in studio.

00:43:57.000 Can you believe that we organized a tour, you, me, and Fleckis, to go in Australia?

00:44:04.000 And that seems like a hundred years ago.

00:44:06.000 It's probably two years ago now.

00:44:08.000 And everything was going so normal back then.

00:44:08.000 Yeah.

00:44:11.000 Right.

00:44:11.000 And you compare that today?

00:44:13.000 It's crazy.

00:44:14.000 And it only would have taken like five hours to get to Australia because we live on a flat earth plane.

00:44:20.000 So you would have to circumvent the globe.

00:44:22.000 It would only take five minutes to get there.

00:44:24.000 But what they do is when you're in the plane, they just waste a lot of time.

00:44:27.000 So that way it looks like you're on a globe.

00:44:29.000 Flight patterns.

00:44:30.000 Satomites.

00:44:31.000 Jews.

00:44:34.000 Well, shouldn't you be congratulating me on my 100th episode, by the way?

00:44:34.000 Okay.

00:44:38.000 Happy birthday, dude.

00:44:39.000 No, it's not my birthday.

00:44:40.000 We've done 100 episodes of this platform.

00:44:44.000 100 years old.

00:44:44.000 That's crazy.

00:44:45.000 Nope, not 100 years old.

00:44:47.000 With the censored.tv renamed, we've done 100 episodes of this show.

00:44:53.000 Keep fighting.

00:44:53.000 All right, man.

00:44:54.000 Congratulations.

00:44:56.000 Thanks.

00:44:56.000 Best luck with what you're up to.

00:45:01.000 I feel like Owen's very sensitive about backstabbing because he's been stabbed in the back by so many friends.

00:45:06.000 He sees it coming before it's even on the horizon.

00:45:09.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:45:09.000 I think he thinks I slight him all the time when I'm just fucking around. 0.98

00:45:12.000 Love you, Owen. 0.91

00:45:13.000 Love you.

00:45:15.000 So Ronnie Cheng is my new favorite comedian, but this is an ancient Chinese secret. 1.00

00:45:21.000 This was the situation doing a roast.

00:45:26.000 And I forgot to number the URLs.

00:45:31.000 But this is very interesting because this is Trump before he was president, when everyone loved him.

00:45:40.000 I mean, look at him.

00:45:41.000 He's pimping.

00:45:43.000 Not a lot of guys can pull off wearing a hat like that.

00:45:48.000 People are hating on him because Trump is always fire on people, but it's kind of okay because he completely let himself go anyway.

00:45:57.000 Donald.

00:45:58.000 Wait, go back.

00:45:59.000 I talked over that.

00:46:02.000 So we got the hat joke.

00:46:03.000 Hat like that.

00:46:07.000 People are hating on him because Trump is always fire on people, but it's kind of okay because he completely let himself go anyway.

00:46:16.000 Donald.

00:46:19.000 Just pause.

00:46:21.000 He didn't let himself go.

00:46:22.000 What?

00:46:23.000 He looks like a normal 60-year-old man who always wears suits and always has his hair perfect and is always perfectly, cleanly shaped.

00:46:33.000 Imagine being such a douche that you thought sunglasses were cool.

00:46:38.000 I remember being six and having sunglasses and a guitar that I found in the garbage and having my mom take a picture of me because I was cool.

00:46:49.000 Then I turned seven and I went, oh, they're just for when it's too bright out.

00:46:54.000 But he wears them on stage and somehow it's cooler to have them hanging off your nose?

00:47:00.000 I've never seen that before.

00:47:01.000 He's not using the function of the sunglasses. 0.99

00:47:04.000 Right, so they look even stupider. 0.98

00:47:06.000 You know, there was this video of... 0.99

00:47:11.000 There was a guy who was at a game.

00:47:13.000 I'll go to the wide.

00:47:14.000 And he had a baseball cap on backwards and then shades like up.

00:47:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:20.000 Ancient Chinese meme.

00:47:21.000 Oh, Ryan?

00:47:22.000 That's your new nickname, Ancient Chinese Meme.

00:47:24.000 Ryan, also.

00:47:26.000 Yo, hey, chill.

00:47:27.000 You know what, Donald?

00:47:28.000 You got the tan.

00:47:29.000 You got the laundry down, but you got to hit the gym, pork chop.

00:47:33.000 Pork chop.

00:47:35.000 But Donald, I like how you're.

00:47:38.000 Like, God.

00:47:39.000 Bro, I've seen pictures of your house.

00:47:42.000 Everything in your house is gold. 1.00

00:47:44.000 Who the fuck decorated your house? 1.00

00:47:46.000 Flavor Flavs Dentist? 1.00

00:47:47.000 Yes.

00:47:50.000 Your wife is hot. 1.00

00:47:51.000 The best part is she married you for love.

00:47:54.000 Yep.

00:47:55.000 She loves money. 0.89

00:47:59.000 Oh, hey, what are you going to do?

00:48:01.000 Hey! 0.99

00:48:04.000 Come on, let him do his thing.

00:48:06.000 Come on.

00:48:07.000 Let him do it.

00:48:10.000 Donald Trump, you're a baller.

00:48:10.000 All right.

00:48:12.000 You're a shot caller.

00:48:14.000 You run the game and give the buildings your name.

00:48:16.000 You're the real deal.

00:48:18.000 And I hope someday I can roll Trump style.

00:48:20.000 You called him Chump, not Trump.

00:48:22.000 It's Trump.

00:48:24.000 You said Donald Trump.

00:48:26.000 Really?

00:48:26.000 Well, maybe comedy ain't my game right now, but...

00:48:29.000 Why don't you finish it?

00:48:30.000 Can I just show them something?

00:48:31.000 Can I just show them something?

00:48:32.000 You know the situation?

00:48:34.000 Go back.

00:48:34.000 I thought I had it queued up right.

00:48:36.000 Did you fuck up or did I? 0.99

00:48:39.000 I just went by the town code. 1.00

00:48:41.000 Go to Jelinek.

00:48:43.000 Situation, my man Donald Trump.

00:48:45.000 No, no, no.

00:48:46.000 Before that.

00:48:47.000 What I'm saying?

00:48:48.000 Oh, Jesel Neck.

00:48:49.000 Well, Jezelnak. 0.94

00:48:50.000 No, it's my first name.

00:48:51.000 Is there another link?

00:48:52.000 No, it's the same one.

00:48:53.000 Oh, okay.

00:48:53.000 But he thinks he fries Anthony Jeselnik, and it's the least funny thing I've ever seen.

00:48:58.000 So wait, just scroll till you see Jezelnick.

00:49:00.000 Got him. 1.00

00:49:01.000 It's funny on the floor of my motherfucking family. 1.00

00:49:03.000 Okay, no, go back, go back, go back. 0.99

00:49:04.000 That's it.

00:49:05.000 Enough of that, enough.

00:49:07.000 All right, all right.

00:49:08.000 I see you looking at me over there, Anthony Jezelnut.

00:49:10.000 I know you're a little hater, but I know you're a funny dude as well. 0.98

00:49:15.000 Because the other night I told one of your super funny jokes to a supermodel and she was laughing while I was banging her brains out with a pile of money on the floor of my motherfucking mansion. 1.00

00:49:24.000 Okay. 0.99

00:49:30.000 Wait a minute.

00:49:31.000 That joke makes no sense. 0.99

00:49:34.000 Like, he's trying to talk about what a baller he is because he's having sex with supermodels on a pile of money? 0.99

00:49:41.000 Are you two years old? 0.99

00:49:44.000 In a mansion?

00:49:45.000 What?

00:49:47.000 Which is like, yeah, you are funny, but I was getting laid. 0.99

00:49:50.000 And why are you cracking jokes when you have sex? 0.97

00:49:53.000 You're doing a little comedy routine? 0.95

00:49:56.000 And then he does the same thing again.

00:50:01.000 So I got nothing to get you, man.

00:50:03.000 I got nothing to get you.

00:50:05.000 Because she's like the fifth model this week to do that.

00:50:08.000 So.

00:50:13.000 So.

00:50:15.000 That's.

00:50:15.000 I got to put that on there.

00:50:17.000 Nothing to get you.

00:50:18.000 Because she's like the fifth model this week to do that.

00:50:21.000 So.

00:50:24.000 Can you go to the very end, though?

00:50:26.000 He says Trump should run for president.

00:50:28.000 And by that I mean, yeah, yeah.

00:50:30.000 You're a bowler.

00:50:32.000 And I hope someday I can't do that. 0.86

00:50:35.000 Jeffrey Ross shows that he's fat, which is really interesting.

00:50:44.000 That definitely is the situation right there.

00:50:45.000 He was doing opioids at the time.

00:50:47.000 I think he's on heroin right now.

00:50:49.000 Oh, which one?

00:50:50.000 The situation?

00:50:50.000 Yeah, the situation.

00:50:51.000 He had a problem.

00:50:52.000 He went to rehab for opioids.

00:50:56.000 Yeah, and you're not dishing it out too good because you're feeling too nice.

00:50:59.000 I was hanging out with models.

00:51:01.000 I was banging a model show.

00:51:02.000 Jai Du Cho.

00:51:04.000 Saturation.

00:51:07.000 Thank you, buddy.

00:51:08.000 Thank you.

00:51:08.000 And before I go real quick, I gotta say one more thing.

00:51:11.000 Mr. Trump, I think you should run for president. 1.00

00:51:16.000 I probably really mean that's a stupid idea. 1.00

00:51:23.000 Look at him waiting for something after he says the first setup. 0.99

00:51:27.000 Like he puts his little hands up.

00:51:27.000 Ta-da!

00:51:28.000 I did it.

00:51:29.000 I told you.

00:51:30.000 Here's the first part.

00:51:30.000 Here we go.

00:51:31.000 Quick, I gotta say one more thing.

00:51:33.000 Mr. Trump, I think you should run for president.

00:51:36.000 That's the beginning. 1.00

00:51:37.000 I probably really mean that's a stupid idea. 1.00

00:51:40.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

00:51:40.000 I'll probably really mean that's a stupid idea? 1.00

00:51:45.000 I feel nauseous. 0.99

00:51:47.000 Thanks, little guy.

00:51:50.000 I was saying, like, I like the darkness, but sometimes it's so dark that I feel uncomfortable.

00:51:56.000 That wasn't good.

00:51:57.000 So we had some problem with the volume earlier.

00:52:00.000 Do You think it's fixed?

00:52:01.000 Yeah.

00:52:02.000 How do you know?

00:52:03.000 How do you know we're not just recording dead air right now?

00:52:05.000 Well, I'm hearing everything good, frankly.

00:52:08.000 But the channel, I'm only getting my left out of the computer channel, but I can fix that in post for this and then figure out what the problem is.

00:52:18.000 That sounds like a major problem, dude.

00:52:19.000 No, no, no, no.

00:52:20.000 All you got to do is put Phil right with left in Premiere.

00:52:24.000 Boring robot Japanese person stuff. 0.89

00:52:27.000 Okay.

00:52:29.000 Also in the news, and this was from a letter.

00:52:38.000 This dude told me that this chick, this vice magazine writer was voted the funniest chicken, one of the funniest 50 people in the country. 0.98

00:52:49.000 No, in New York, by Brooklyn Mag, whatever the fuck that is. 0.87

00:52:55.000 But it really shows you that in order to get women into comedy, they had to make them comfortable. 0.95

00:53:01.000 And the way you make them comfortable is you make it such that they don't have to be funny.

00:53:05.000 This is Eve Piser.

00:53:08.000 And they are.

00:53:08.000 They're very comfortable on stage now.

00:53:10.000 Now that you've taken the humor out of comedy, it's sort of like a race where women didn't feel comfortable racing, but we brought them to the track and said, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. 0.50

00:53:20.000 Everyone gets a trophy.

00:53:21.000 And they went, oh, that's a lot better.

00:53:22.000 So some of them just stroll.

00:53:24.000 Some of them walk diagonally off the track and go talk to someone in the stands for a little bit, eat some popcorn.

00:53:31.000 Oh, yeah, this is typical of her writing.

00:53:33.000 Why you should grow out a happy trail?

00:53:35.000 Why you should grow out your happy trail.

00:53:37.000 Just so you know the quality of writing that we're getting from women. 1.00

00:53:42.000 It's been a while since the full bush came back in style, finally liberating women from the burden of getting hot wax poured on their privates. 0.99

00:53:48.000 That's pretty good.

00:53:48.000 Starts a sentence with and.

00:53:50.000 And last summer, we pretty much all agreed we should grow out our pit hair.

00:53:56.000 Who agreed?

00:53:58.000 I don't know.

00:53:59.000 And then she starts a sentence with but.

00:54:00.000 But now it's time for another body hair revolution.

00:54:03.000 This spring, let's embrace the far more stigmatized happy trail, a patch of hair some women grow between their belly buttons and their bush. 0.99

00:54:11.000 This bold call to action, like I'm so glad we got women into journalism, aren't you?

00:54:17.000 Yeah, it's bold.

00:54:17.000 They can make bold calls to action comes from someone who has a lot of pubes and a particularly dope happy trail, colon, me.

00:54:29.000 That's obviously not her in the picture.

00:54:31.000 But I didn't always possess a resolute acceptance of this part of my body, even though I attended blah, blah, blah, Oberlin College.

00:54:37.000 So yeah, that's the kind of stuff she writes about.

00:54:40.000 And I thought, okay, well, we just saw Ronnie Chang show us what comedy is.

00:54:40.000 This is her voice.

00:54:46.000 It's brutal honesty, showing you something you haven't thought of before.

00:54:50.000 Let's check out her comedy.

00:54:51.000 Wait a minute.

00:54:52.000 I didn't even send you the link for it, did I?

00:54:54.000 You sure?

00:54:55.000 Did I?

00:54:56.000 Yeah, there she is. 1.00

00:54:57.000 So here she is being introduced.

00:55:00.000 This is the state of comedy today.

00:55:02.000 Ronnie Chang is rare.

00:55:04.000 This is common.

00:55:05.000 This is what...

00:55:13.000 Then there's Eve Piser. 0.74

00:55:15.000 Hey, how's it going?

00:55:17.000 They always have their phone in their hand.

00:55:20.000 Sorry.

00:55:21.000 Please continue to be as silent as possible, though.

00:55:26.000 Very relaxed.

00:55:28.000 So I read about politics for a living, but I don't want to get a comedy about that because it's a lot.

00:55:39.000 Getting a great.

00:55:41.000 I'm also going to read too.

00:55:43.000 I'm so sorry.

00:55:44.000 Whatever.

00:55:45.000 Anyway, I understand that this country falling apart is ideal material for comedy, but instead I want to talk about love.

00:56:02.000 I actually want to read you a love poem I wrote about my boyfriend.

00:56:07.000 I don't know if any of you guys have ever fallen in love.

00:56:11.000 It happened to me.

00:56:12.000 I did this for six and a half minutes.

00:56:14.000 You did not.

00:56:15.000 I would highly recommend this.

00:56:16.000 What happened?

00:56:18.000 Absolutely nothing.

00:56:20.000 But, oh, I'm just going to hold this.

00:56:22.000 You notice these feminist dresses? 1.00

00:56:24.000 Like, she's got sliders on, like those shower shoes with socks.

00:56:28.000 And then this dress, that's how someone dresses on their honeymoon after they've been banged for three days and they're like in a cabin somewhere and no one can see them.

00:56:37.000 Imagine going out like that.

00:56:39.000 What are you showing, right?

00:56:40.000 The other thing I want to say, because I always forgot to say this, is that I'm Jewish.

00:56:45.000 And that will come into play later because I use some anti-Semitic slurs in my poem.

00:56:52.000 Only things I've been called.

00:56:54.000 But people get really tempted to get it.

00:56:59.000 How long have we been doing this?

00:57:00.000 But don't worry.

00:57:01.000 Is this a TED Talks?

00:57:02.000 Yeah, it's like a TED Talk.

00:57:03.000 This is a TED Talks.

00:57:06.000 So to give you guys a little background.

00:57:09.000 That looks great.

00:57:10.000 I want to talk about Shaft Tank and Alex.

00:57:16.000 Let me just pause it here.

00:57:17.000 The reason that we ask you to shave that is when we go down on you and look up, we're reminded of a dude.

00:57:23.000 It's the same. 0.93

00:57:24.000 I wrote this article once called Short Hair is Rape, where I sarcastically said, you know, when you look down at a girl with short hair and you're having sex from behind, you're looking at a 13-year-old boy. 0.95

00:57:37.000 That's what it looks like. 0.98

00:57:39.000 That's weird and gross.

00:57:41.000 And we don't like to see such things.

00:57:43.000 Or when you make out with a chick who has very, like my hair, your eyes are closed and you're holding Gavin McInnes.

00:57:49.000 You're making out with me and Ryan.

00:57:52.000 I got a little happy trail.

00:57:54.000 Anyway, let's see how much more we can endure.

00:57:57.000 Do you just by applause, do you guys know what Shark Tank is?

00:58:03.000 Great crowd.

00:58:04.000 I like you all.

00:58:06.000 Do you guys know who Alex Jones is?

00:58:09.000 Okay, don't worry.

00:58:10.000 I'll get into all of it for you.

00:58:13.000 So, what's that called again, Vocal Fry?

00:58:16.000 A little about Chark Tank.

00:58:17.000 It's my favorite TV show because it is the most beautiful capitalist propaganda I've ever seen.

00:58:28.000 This is a little complicated for me because I'm a socialist, but I'm forced to live under capitalism and I sort of can't.

00:58:40.000 And so for anybody who isn't.

00:58:43.000 This could be record-breaking, the longest punchline, and actually no jokes.

00:58:48.000 How long are we in?

00:58:49.000 This is the funniest, one of the funniest women in New York. 1.00

00:58:52.000 She's hilarious.

00:58:53.000 Imagine there's a killer punchline at the end of this.

00:58:55.000 And think of how many jokes Ronnie Ching managed to cram into those two seconds.

00:59:00.000 And he was just naturally kind of funny. 0.99

00:59:03.000 The joke of saying fuck off and walking away isn't really original, I guess. 0.98

00:59:07.000 But that clip we showed was maybe 20 seconds, and it was two hilarious bits. 0.99

00:59:11.000 The thing about sarcasm in my voice, and he gave a bunch of examples, and then the thing about my wife's friends coming and talk to me on time for that shit. 0.90

00:59:18.000 This is three minutes and aware of the premise of Shark Tank. 0.97

00:59:22.000 A group of self-made millionaire and billionaire investors hear pitches from small business owners looking to grow or save their company.

00:59:33.000 Yeah, what's the matter with that?

00:59:35.000 And the show is very much hinged on this idea of the American dream that capitalism can save you, which is a lie.

00:59:45.000 Oh.

00:59:46.000 This is not true.

00:59:48.000 I actually recently interviewed Mark Cuban for work, and when I asked him about capitalism, he said, capitalism, you make it sound like a disease.

01:00:00.000 Because it like sorta is. 0.98

01:00:03.000 This is a shitty TED talk. 0.96

01:00:06.000 Like sorta is. 0.98

01:00:09.000 That's her friend.

01:00:11.000 That's someone saying that.

01:00:12.000 To go back to why she's because this is my friend up there.

01:00:15.000 Let me see what I got.

01:00:16.000 Come on, Malthus. 0.95

01:00:18.000 Oh, we'll have to. 0.98

01:00:19.000 That's like faking an orgasm right there. 0.97

01:00:20.000 TV show. 0.97

01:00:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:22.000 It's because I'm sick and I love to hate and I hate to love, blah, blah, blah.

01:00:30.000 Wow.

01:00:31.000 In fact, and just to know she has a happy trail and is proud of it adds to how terrible this is.

01:00:38.000 So much pleasure in loving to hate that I end up being drawn to weirder and darker forces than Shark Tank, primarily Alex Jones.

01:00:51.000 Wait a minute.

01:00:51.000 So she's leaving the Shark Tank category and jumping to Alex Jones.

01:00:56.000 There was no point of the Shark Tank.

01:00:59.000 There's no point to the Shark Tank.

01:01:00.000 She says condemning capitalism, though, which is the punchline.

01:01:03.000 No, but you have to give an example.

01:01:05.000 She just says Shark Tank is a show that thinks capitalism is going to save you, but that's a lie.

01:01:11.000 How?

01:01:12.000 Well, the punchline was Mark Cuban said, you talk about it like that.

01:01:14.000 That's different.

01:01:15.000 It has nothing to do with Shark Tank.

01:01:17.000 Mark Cuban from Shark Tank.

01:01:19.000 Oh, yeah.

01:01:21.000 And so the punchline there is, it kind of is.

01:01:25.000 Wow.

01:01:26.000 This should come with Kohl's notes.

01:01:26.000 Yeah.

01:01:29.000 So we're, what, three, four, four minutes and 22 seconds in, and we have one joke, which is capitalism kind of is a disease.

01:01:37.000 It kind of is, though.

01:01:39.000 So just for the people who don't know who Alex Jones is, you know what?

01:01:45.000 She's not considered of her time, of our time at all.

01:01:45.000 Wow.

01:01:49.000 So if you don't know, listen, Tiz.

01:01:52.000 I'm going to tell you a little about him. 1.00

01:01:55.000 Even if I was on the train with her and she was my sister, I'd be going, what the fuck's the matter with you? 0.99

01:02:02.000 Where are you going with this? 1.00

01:02:02.000 With your cat money? 1.00

01:02:03.000 I'd be like Steve Martin in planes, trains, and automobiles.

01:02:06.000 You may want to have a point when you're telling a story.

01:02:10.000 One, I'm sorry for telling you about this because your life is better now than it will be in about a second.

01:02:16.000 But Alex Jones has...

01:02:22.000 She looks like she's like 12.

01:02:24.000 By the way, what happened to the boyfriend?

01:02:27.000 Is Alex Jones the boyfriend?

01:02:28.000 Oh, wait, yeah.

01:02:29.000 Is this all a big buildup about her boyfriend is actually Alex Jones?

01:02:33.000 And that's a joke?

01:02:35.000 That would be the funniest thing in New York. 1.00

01:02:38.000 It's his own motherfucker. 1.00

01:02:39.000 I'm glad we got rid of Louis C.K. Thanks, feminism. 1.00

01:02:42.000 Thanks for getting rid of Louis for consensual sexual acts and replacing her with Eve. 0.96

01:02:48.000 ...somebody who's notorious for ranting on camera for hours about the most insane things.

01:02:55.000 How about ranting on stage for minutes about nothing?

01:02:59.000 Yeah.

01:03:00.000 He's a Trump supporter.

01:03:03.000 He is also a 9-11 truther.

01:03:05.000 Not sure about that.

01:03:06.000 He's a Sandy Hook conspiracy theorist. 0.99

01:03:10.000 He fucked up with Sandy Hook seven years ago. 0.99

01:03:10.000 Yes. 0.99

01:03:13.000 We got it. 0.99

01:03:14.000 He believes that the government adds chemicals that turn children gay to their juice boxes. 0.97

01:03:22.000 Just pause. 0.87

01:03:23.000 There is excessive estrogen in the city's water supply.

01:03:28.000 This comes from birth control.

01:03:31.000 It does affect amphibians because they have these sort of semi-permeable membranes.

01:03:37.000 They're very sensitive to water.

01:03:38.000 In fact, if you see a lot of amphibians, frogs, toads, those little salamanders, if you see those in your area, it means you have very clean water.

01:03:47.000 The water table is in great condition.

01:03:50.000 Also, if you're finding a lot more female frogs than male frogs, the estrogen may be affecting the biosphere, the environment.

01:04:00.000 And there's BPA in the water bottles, too.

01:04:03.000 Right.

01:04:03.000 Which is feminizing, isn't it?

01:04:05.000 Yeah, Alex, not that we have to defend Alex Jones in this show, but he speaks in a hyperbolic way. 0.98

01:04:10.000 They're making the frogs gay. 0.99

01:04:12.000 Then you look it up and you go, oh, that's true. 0.94

01:04:14.000 So she's just lazy and hasn't looked any of this up. 0.85

01:04:18.000 I can't get on to a train of thought here with all these calls. 0.91

01:04:21.000 Did you say they're making the toads homos? 1.00

01:04:25.000 Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it. 0.97

01:04:27.000 I'm just messing around with you.

01:04:30.000 It is me, Danesh D'Souza.

01:04:32.000 Congratulations on having the 100th episode flopping around having fun like a fish in a toad.

01:04:39.000 Thank you very much.

01:04:40.000 I have a question for you.

01:04:42.000 Okay.

01:04:42.000 What do cars typically drive on?

01:04:45.000 A road.

01:04:46.000 Correct. 0.99

01:04:47.000 What do you call a penis that is wider than it is long? 0.99

01:04:52.000 A choad? 1.00

01:04:53.000 That is correct.

01:04:54.000 Who's that bald guy who went to jail and writes for Tacky Mag?

01:04:59.000 Jim Goad.

01:05:01.000 Finish this sentence.

01:05:02.000 Welcome to my humble abode.

01:05:05.000 When journalists get laid off, you tell them, learn to code.

01:05:09.000 The grass on my neighbor's lawn is very short.

01:05:11.000 It must have been mo? 0.99

01:05:17.000 No, can you help me with my rap song that I am making?

01:05:21.000 Yeah, I'd love to, Dinesh.

01:05:22.000 I didn't know you rapped.

01:05:23.000 You're a rapper now?

01:05:24.000 Yeah, I bet that everybody's saying, oh, there's crazy Dinash just going around rapping all over the place. 1.00

01:05:30.000 But yeah, so here it is.

01:05:33.000 If you could help me finish the last line, I'm stuck on it.

01:05:36.000 Okay.

01:05:36.000 I'm flapping from a pond and crossing the road.

01:05:39.000 Please don't run me over.

01:05:41.000 I'm just a little frog.

01:05:44.000 Okay, perhaps, I mean, but something that would typically rhyme with what I'm saying.

01:05:49.000 I'm just a little amphibian.

01:05:51.000 Nope, that does not.

01:05:52.000 I'm just a little salamander.

01:05:54.000 That typically does not rhyme either. 0.63

01:05:57.000 Doy, a doad.

01:05:58.000 Datoad. 0.91

01:05:59.000 A doad.

01:06:00.000 That is dynamic pantamodor.

01:06:02.000 Datoad.

01:06:04.000 I get it, Rotoad.

01:06:06.000 Thanks for calling, Dinesh.

01:06:06.000 Yes.

01:06:08.000 I got to get back to this.

01:06:09.000 Sorry, we're watching a comedy video.

01:06:14.000 What are we at now?

01:06:15.000 With her?

01:06:16.000 And folks at home, I'm at suicide level.

01:06:16.000 Yeah.

01:06:19.000 Are we torturing you?

01:06:20.000 Is this a bad show?

01:06:21.000 Because I think I might be able to do the...

01:06:25.000 13 minutes?

01:06:26.000 Does that seem like?

01:06:27.000 It's 10 minutes, 30 seconds.

01:06:30.000 I need to see.

01:06:30.000 By the way, we do.

01:06:32.000 We love Alex Jones, revere him.

01:06:35.000 And we make fun of him way better.

01:06:37.000 Yeah.

01:06:38.000 Like, to his face.

01:06:39.000 Right, talking about the pies and the family.

01:06:42.000 Yeah, or remember that whole riff?

01:06:43.000 Oh, maybe you weren't there.

01:06:45.000 I was with his son and his bodyguard in the car, and I was doing Alex Jones, which is pretty hack.

01:06:50.000 But I was like, I'm not bragging.

01:06:51.000 Black people used to come to my house and do watercolors of my entire family. 0.99

01:06:56.000 That one I didn't hear that really.

01:06:58.000 And we just kept doing, I'm not bragging, and talking about how, because black people did used to bring his dad pies.

01:07:03.000 His dad was the first, he helped the community a lot.

01:07:06.000 He was the first person to help the community.

01:07:07.000 He lowered taxes in the black community.

01:07:09.000 So he's like, I'm not bragging. 0.92

01:07:11.000 Black people would literally come to my house bringing me pies, which is true, but it just sounds terrible.

01:07:17.000 It sounds amazing.

01:07:18.000 So then we were doing other ones.

01:07:19.000 Like, black people used to cry when I walked down the street. 1.00

01:07:21.000 I'm not bragging.

01:07:23.000 I never heard those. 0.95

01:07:25.000 Black people used to kiss my hand. 1.00

01:07:27.000 I would have like black saliva all over the backs of my hands and people constantly kissing them. 1.00

01:07:31.000 That's funny. 0.78

01:07:32.000 You could have done that.

01:07:33.000 Right.

01:07:34.000 But she doesn't do any research.

01:07:35.000 She doesn't know.

01:07:36.000 But she's never watched the show.

01:07:37.000 This is the thing about the left. 1.00

01:07:38.000 They're so fucking lazy. 1.00

01:07:39.000 Like, she has no jokes for her comedy show. 0.99

01:07:42.000 But similarly, they'll talk about Fox News, faux news.

01:07:46.000 And you go, you've never watched a Sean Hannity from the beginning of the episode to the end.

01:07:52.000 And by the way, I'd like to see you try.

01:07:53.000 I'd like to see you try to have all these different points, opinions on politics.

01:07:58.000 Like I worked at Fox for a while.

01:07:59.000 It was hard having that many opinions.

01:08:01.000 Or Tucker Carlson, like do that show. 0.98

01:08:05.000 Do a similar show with the same amount of information, guests, have it all move and come up with new concepts like Tucker does, where I don't even agree with him.

01:08:14.000 Like he'll say, we need to start suing Facebook for what it's done to society.

01:08:18.000 That's a really weird point, but that's what you want in a show.

01:08:21.000 You want them to say something you haven't thought of.

01:08:23.000 Just like Ronnie Chang when he makes us rethink our marriage.

01:08:29.000 Not her?

01:08:31.000 He's making me rethink how I spend my time.

01:08:33.000 She's dressed.

01:08:34.000 It's so like lazy.

01:08:36.000 Cat mommy.

01:08:37.000 That was my girlfriend. 1.00

01:08:38.000 Be like, can you put some actual shoes on or something?

01:08:40.000 Why is life a sleepover?

01:08:43.000 As a means of population control.

01:08:47.000 And he's not 100% closed off to the idea that the earth is actually controlled by interdimensional lizard people.

01:08:57.000 I don't believe you.

01:09:00.000 So I'm going to show you.

01:09:02.000 It's also ironic, by the way, that she's sitting there on stage being unfunny as a comedian and not getting when Alex Jones is kidding.

01:09:09.000 Right.

01:09:10.000 Like the way Alex would say that, it would be like, it's getting to the point now where I wouldn't be surprised that the whole earth is controlled by interdimensional lizard people. 0.98

01:09:18.000 That's how fucked up everything has become. 0.98

01:09:18.000 Demons around. 0.98

01:09:20.000 Nothing would shock me at this point. 0.97

01:09:22.000 Your head could come off and walk around with little Adam's family hand, carrying it around, and I wouldn't freak out. 0.88

01:09:28.000 Your head could turn into a spider right now and I wouldn't freak out. 0.98

01:09:30.000 We could turn it into a toad. 1.00

01:09:33.000 A gay one. 1.00

01:09:34.000 Or they always make fun of Alex on Howard Stern and it's always like infowars.com giving him free ads. 0.87

01:09:41.000 And they make fun of all his products, like male vitality and all that.

01:09:44.000 And then it'll cut to Howard Stern talking about his gluten-free cookies that he eats with no sugar.

01:09:51.000 And he scrapes the parmesan off his shrimp because he doesn't eat the cheese and all these other weird, finicky, like the way his water has to be super filtered.

01:10:03.000 He doesn't trust water.

01:10:04.000 It has to be 9.0 pH or whatever.

01:10:06.000 Yeah.

01:10:06.000 That's special.

01:10:07.000 And then Robin's getting coffee enemas.

01:10:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:10:10.000 Yeah, but he's wacky. 1.00

01:10:11.000 Alex is so stupid and crazy with his weird concoctions. 1.00

01:10:14.000 Let me shoot coffee some coffee up my ass and re-filter water 60 times over. 1.00

01:10:21.000 Unbelievable. 0.99

01:10:23.000 I'm going to play you a brief clip of Alex Jones.

01:10:26.000 Okay.

01:10:27.000 Well, your phone's an intriguable explorer.

01:10:32.000 I'm a human and I'm coming.

01:10:34.000 She has no fear of bombing.

01:10:37.000 He said, I'm a pioneer, correct.

01:10:40.000 I'm an explorer, correct.

01:10:42.000 I think you see what he's doing there.

01:10:44.000 And then when he says, I'm a human, I'm coming.

01:10:47.000 Like, you don't get that when someone is being effusive, and this goes back to what I say about the left being against color.

01:10:53.000 And if he's like insane, you're making fun of an insane person, which he's not.

01:11:00.000 And by the way, she's saying that everybody knows that he says things that are kind of wacky.

01:11:05.000 So her point is, look, I also recognize that, and I'm showing it to you, if you will.

01:11:09.000 If you will.

01:11:10.000 I'm an explorer.

01:11:12.000 I'm a human, and I'm coming.

01:11:16.000 That's the funniest thing that happened yet, and Alex Jones did it.

01:11:18.000 That's just a little taste. 1.00

01:11:21.000 He said way crazier shit, by the way, you lazy bitch. 1.00

01:11:24.000 I actually have a personal connection with Alex Jones because I used to write for a website called Gizmodo, And I wrote a piece about his initiative to stop fake news, which is a noble initiative for a 9-11 truther. 1.00

01:11:39.000 And he printed out the blog post I wrote and held it up to his face on TV and said, It says I'm completely insane.

01:11:51.000 And that's the punchline.

01:11:53.000 Oh my gosh.

01:11:54.000 And who can't do an Alex Jones impersonation?

01:11:56.000 Well.

01:11:57.000 It says I'm completely.

01:11:59.000 She sounds like Steve Martin doing Roger Stone.

01:12:02.000 Anyway, this is a complete waste of time.

01:12:03.000 Dude, that really was.

01:12:05.000 What a nightmare that was.

01:12:06.000 That was gray. 0.98

01:12:07.000 The lunatics have taken over the asylum.

01:12:09.000 What happened to my alma mater vice? 0.97

01:12:12.000 Boy.

01:12:12.000 I don't know, man.

01:12:13.000 I hope one day that they just.

01:12:15.000 It'd be cool if one day they just, they're just like, you know what?

01:12:17.000 We need everything back that...

01:12:20.000 We can't get into a rhythm here.

01:12:22.000 Celebs.

01:12:22.000 I was just about to say.

01:12:23.000 Thank you, celebrities.

01:12:24.000 100 episodes.

01:12:25.000 Yes.

01:12:26.000 Who's this now?

01:12:30.000 Whoa.

01:12:31.000 Oh, Christopher Watkin.

01:12:32.000 Wow.

01:12:33.000 Yes.

01:12:33.000 I've never met you before.

01:12:35.000 I'd be damned if I didn't congratulate you on having 100 shows.

01:12:40.000 Thank you.

01:12:40.000 Thank you very much.

01:12:41.000 We were in a movie together, by the way.

01:12:43.000 I don't know if you know that.

01:12:44.000 What?

01:12:45.000 Yeah, that movie with that little girl, the Amber Heard, where she's a pop star.

01:12:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:12:51.000 And you're her dad or something?

01:12:52.000 I play her father.

01:12:53.000 Yeah.

01:12:54.000 Big daddy walking.

01:12:54.000 Big daddy.

01:12:55.000 Walking down the street.

01:12:57.000 Hey, have you ever seen this in barber shops?

01:12:59.000 They say walk-ins, welcome, and it has your face.

01:13:01.000 It's like a common thing now.

01:13:03.000 I've seen it all.

01:13:04.000 Okay.

01:13:05.000 The walking dead.

01:13:06.000 People walking around talking like me. 1.00

01:13:08.000 But I'd be damned. 0.93

01:13:09.000 I never even thought of that. 0.99

01:13:10.000 If that little gook press some buttons. 1.00

01:13:14.000 He's Japanese in Puerto Rico. 1.00

01:13:15.000 I'd be damned. 0.99

01:13:17.000 Congratulations. 0.99

01:13:19.000 I don't understand that you lashing out at Ryan.

01:13:21.000 What's that got to do with anything? 0.97

01:13:24.000 I'd be damned if the gooks take his family heirloom. 0.99

01:13:28.000 He give me the watch. 0.96

01:13:30.000 Remember that?

01:13:31.000 No, was it Deer Hunter or something?

01:13:33.000 Pulp Fiction.

01:13:34.000 Oh, I've never seen it.

01:13:36.000 Bye.

01:13:39.000 Here's another thing on this. 0.70

01:13:40.000 Called me a gook.

01:13:42.000 Oh, yeah, sorry. 1.00

01:13:43.000 What I was going to say about Eve Piser is these women have been saying, hey, assholes, hey, white males, you've been the keepers of the gate for so long. 0.97

01:13:51.000 And we're sitting here with so much talent and so much to say. 0.99

01:13:55.000 Give us a voice. 1.00

01:13:56.000 And we go, okay, okay, shit. 1.00

01:13:58.000 Calm down. 1.00

01:13:59.000 Here, ladies, take over vice. 1.00

01:14:02.000 Here, ladies, take over stand-up comedy. 1.00

01:14:04.000 Come on in.

01:14:05.000 You're the funny.

01:14:06.000 We'll even pretend you're the funniest girl in New York.

01:14:09.000 We'll put that on a list.

01:14:11.000 A listicle. 0.99

01:14:13.000 And then they come out and they have this willful ignorance of humor and color and bore the shit out of us with six minutes of just nattering. 0.99

01:14:25.000 I mean, I don't even think that's worthy of a conversation one-on-one with someone. 0.99

01:14:30.000 It had the vibe of talking to her girlfriends.

01:14:32.000 And she's not nervous is the thing.

01:14:34.000 Yeah, it sort of sounded like she was at a sleepover.

01:14:37.000 And, you know, at the point, just as you're falling asleep, she's like, Alex Jones is my boyfriend.

01:14:44.000 You still awake?

01:14:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:47.000 Getting there.

01:14:48.000 I interviewed Mark Cuban once.

01:14:51.000 I was talking about capitalism.

01:14:53.000 Roast me.

01:14:54.000 Make New York unsafe again. 0.97

01:14:56.000 Wow. 1.00

01:14:57.000 He wants to get raped. 1.00

01:15:00.000 Just kidding. 1.00

01:15:02.000 So that is her, I guess.

01:15:04.000 All right.

01:15:05.000 Groody.

01:15:07.000 I saw this sketch on SNL, and I want to be clear here that when I bitch about comedy, I don't want any censorship.

01:15:14.000 I don't want Eve Pizer not to be able to do that.

01:15:17.000 I don't want SNL to stop doing any particular types of jokes.

01:15:21.000 I don't want art censored ever.

01:15:23.000 Even in the house, if there's music with swear words in it, I don't swear around the kids.

01:15:28.000 They're not allowed to swear.

01:15:29.000 But if the music has swear words in it, I don't worry about it.

01:15:32.000 Even like N-word and rap songs.

01:15:35.000 Because that's art.

01:15:35.000 And it's important to me that the kids know that art can't be touched.

01:15:38.000 Piss Christ?

01:15:40.000 I'm not bananas about Piss Christ, but I want it there. 0.99

01:15:43.000 Or the Virgin Mary dung thing where they made the Virgin Mary to dung. 1.00

01:15:47.000 I want that there too.

01:15:49.000 And one of the reasons is it's open to my interpretation.

01:15:52.000 Like Piss Christ, I look at it and I think one angle is this is how Christ is treated globally with 250 Christians killed every day.

01:16:04.000 And proving the point by having it be a featured art piece.

01:16:07.000 Yeah, or even like the Virgin Mary in dung, it's like the fact that that was made and Islam would burn down the Brooklyn Museum if they had ever even considered that and we allow it. 1.00

01:16:18.000 It sort of show the martyrdom within Christianity and the way that it's taken advantage of.

01:16:23.000 So even if he was trying to be insulting, I still think that's interesting.

01:16:26.000 Or that movie they canceled, The Hunt, where it was about hunting Trump supporters and all these Trump supporters got all pissy and they had the movie canceled.

01:16:35.000 That's why I hate conservatives. 1.00

01:16:35.000 Fuck off. 1.00

01:16:37.000 Don't cancel the movie. 1.00

01:16:39.000 I think it's an interesting angle.

01:16:40.000 This is how the left sees us.

01:16:42.000 Rachel, Maddow, Chris Hayes want me to die.

01:16:47.000 Can we see, are we allowed to see this movie?

01:16:49.000 I don't know.

01:16:50.000 It's probably a limbo just like your movie.

01:16:52.000 Well, like it exists, but there's just so much.

01:16:55.000 That's another thing that pisses me off.

01:16:57.000 You want that, what is it, the crossbones?

01:16:59.000 I got a credit card.

01:17:00.000 I'll pay $15.

01:17:02.000 Why can't I watch this?

01:17:04.000 Anyway, so that's a lot of hullabaloo before I show this.

01:17:08.000 But again, remember what I was saying the other day about SNL and how they can't do Jew jokes. 0.56

01:17:12.000 They can't do Muslim jokes. 1.00

01:17:14.000 They can do Christian bashing, but they lose their audience. 0.59

01:17:18.000 And they can't do anything racial anymore. 0.97

01:17:20.000 They can't do anything gay anymore. 0.99

01:17:21.000 They hired that gay Chinese guy who's not funny just because you're supposed to. 1.00

01:17:26.000 And so it seems like the only place they're allowed to make fun of people, it's kids, incest, and then shitting on the family. 1.00

01:17:38.000 The holidays are here. 0.97

01:17:39.000 So head to Macy's for Unbeatable GPS.

01:17:41.000 My wife wore heels like that every day. 1.00

01:17:44.000 Men's blades are starting at $49.99.

01:17:46.000 Cashmere tops for her from $79.99.

01:17:50.000 And for your little ones, Macy's has the festive fashions that'll have them sing, it's the season for wrestling your wiggly little monster into thick winter clothes.

01:18:04.000 So all month long, we're taking 25% off boys' merino wool sweaters.

01:18:11.000 I thought that immediately.

01:18:12.000 I was like, geese.

01:18:13.000 And 40% off cozy corduroy that'll pinch his little nuts.

01:18:19.000 See?

01:18:20.000 Pinches little nuts? 1.00

01:18:20.000 What the hell? 1.00

01:18:22.000 Pants don't pinch nuts, by the way.

01:18:24.000 Yeah, that's never happened to me ever in my life.

01:18:27.000 So if this was Archie Bunker and the crapping on the kids was just one of the many groups that got crapped on, then it would just be like, oh, this is raunchy comedy.

01:18:36.000 But it's not like that. 1.00

01:18:37.000 It's just like, kids, fuck the family. 1.00

01:18:39.000 There's always something about like, you know, say what you want about a little boy, but if you're like, and it cramps her little tits or something. 1.00

01:18:46.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:18:47.000 You know, the, yeah.

01:18:50.000 Pedophilia towards boys is like kind of okay.

01:18:52.000 Remember that commercial with the baby dancing and they got all these chicks arounding him? 0.99

01:18:56.000 If it was the other way around?

01:18:57.000 Can you stop talking, please?

01:18:59.000 James.

01:19:01.000 And for your little girl, it's half off all hard, shiny shoes that hurt.

01:19:07.000 Welcome to being a woman, Kylie. 0.86

01:19:08.000 And 30% off all holiday rompers.

01:19:11.000 She'll never get off in time.

01:19:14.000 Hey, you have to tell mommy when you have to go.

01:19:17.000 The weather outside may be frightful, but in Macy's, we've got kids to get away from the middle.

01:19:21.000 I bet none of these people have kids, too.

01:19:25.000 I guarantee you the writers don't.

01:19:33.000 You didn't hear that, buddy.

01:19:33.000 You're good.

01:19:34.000 You saved an extra 10% on snowpacking.

01:19:36.000 You don't put your kids in the car seat with their jackets on.

01:19:39.000 Sorry, Snow.

01:19:40.000 You need to put the foot sideways and twist it.

01:19:42.000 Well, if you can do it, then do it!

01:19:45.000 And being snowpawned.

01:19:46.000 We always go on to one season.

01:19:47.000 You need to learn, David.

01:19:49.000 Days that don't.

01:19:50.000 Ways.

01:19:51.000 That could have been it right there.

01:19:52.000 Okay, well, if this is going to be your attitude, maybe we should tell my mom we're not coming.

01:19:56.000 Now it's just a show.

01:19:57.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:57.000 Now it's the dysfunctional family's Macy's show on HBO.

01:20:04.000 And for your new arrivals, we've got precious winter onesies with so many tiny buttons and snaps.

01:20:10.000 You'll let your baby sit in a loaded diaper for hours just to avoid having to put it. 0.52

01:20:18.000 I think we should check out the mailbag.

01:20:21.000 We're running out of time here, right?

01:20:23.000 Oh, man.

01:20:24.000 And do you think we're going to get more celebs calling us?

01:20:29.000 Yeah, the lines are backed up.

01:20:31.000 Oh, really?

01:20:32.000 Yeah.

01:20:33.000 Well, I'm open.

01:20:39.000 Let's turn our eyes together.

01:20:42.000 Let's make it.

01:20:50.000 I gotta be nervous when I get 900 calls in a row.

01:20:54.000 it's usually not good Is it all clear on the questration?

01:21:04.000 Oh my god, it's my kids' school.

01:21:07.000 School.

01:21:08.000 They called me at 5 a.m. this morning to say there'd be delays.

01:21:13.000 That's inappropriate.

01:21:14.000 It's like, do you people have a roof on this building?

01:21:16.000 Who cares if it's raining outside?

01:21:19.000 No, it's icy rain.

01:21:21.000 The kids could slip.

01:21:23.000 Yeah.

01:21:23.000 Kids slip.

01:21:25.000 What if it's poison rain?

01:21:26.000 Let me ask you that, Buck.

01:21:28.000 Oh, Jesse Ventura.

01:21:30.000 Wow, welcome to the show.

01:21:31.000 I've been on your show a couple times.

01:21:32.000 Yeah, you sure have.

01:21:34.000 We got into a fight about the Redskins.

01:21:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:21:38.000 I remember that.

01:21:39.000 Are you still off the grid?

01:21:41.000 I'm off the grid.

01:21:42.000 You know it.

01:21:43.000 Satellite phone, JK, no phone.

01:21:47.000 I'm borrowing my friend's phone to Skype you.

01:21:50.000 You know, I look at you and you look like something out of a horror movie.

01:21:53.000 It's hard to realize that you were once a pro wrestler.

01:21:57.000 Yep.

01:21:58.000 I can body slam you and pile drive you just as good as anybody else.

01:22:02.000 Let me ask you something, son.

01:22:04.000 When's your birthday?

01:22:05.000 July 17th.

01:22:07.000 All right, then.

01:22:10.000 Okay.

01:22:13.000 Go ahead.

01:22:14.000 You're off the grid.

01:22:15.000 Yep.

01:22:16.000 You're in the military.

01:22:17.000 Of course.

01:22:18.000 You're a politician.

01:22:19.000 You like to surf.

01:22:19.000 That's right.

01:22:21.000 Love it.

01:22:25.000 You're just such a the variety in your life.

01:22:28.000 It's just incredible.

01:22:29.000 Like, what haven't you done?

01:22:32.000 Just about.

01:22:34.000 I don't play guitar.

01:22:35.000 You know, that's.

01:22:36.000 People confuse me with Ted Nooge.

01:22:38.000 Do you think maybe that's the steroids that made you bald, or are you going to go bald anyway?

01:22:41.000 I'm not going to answer that.

01:22:43.000 And who are you, mister?

01:22:45.000 I actually don't.

01:22:46.000 I've never seen you and the My Pillow guy at the same place at the same time.

01:22:50.000 And you sound exactly like him.

01:22:52.000 I get that a lot.

01:22:53.000 Say my pillow.

01:22:54.000 My pillow.

01:22:56.000 With patented fill.

01:22:58.000 All right.

01:22:59.000 Bye.

01:22:59.000 Well, thanks for calling.

01:23:00.000 And thanks for congratulating me on my 100th episode.

01:23:03.000 No problem.

01:23:03.000 Congratulations.

01:23:05.000 Thank you.

01:23:06.000 Bye.

01:23:07.000 Sweet guy.

01:23:09.000 I want some bigger celebs. 0.51

01:23:11.000 Yeah.

01:23:12.000 I thought we had bigger names.

01:23:13.000 Okay, someone's...

01:23:29.000 And then what was the other letter?

01:23:31.000 Oh, that's Situation Celeb.

01:23:33.000 And then Avie.

01:23:34.000 Was a letter.

01:23:35.000 And then the Avie kid from Pentatonic.

01:23:37.000 So do we do all the letters?

01:23:38.000 You guys are running the show.

01:23:40.000 Yeah.

01:23:42.000 We're also kind of winding down.

01:23:43.000 It's the last week before the holidays.

01:23:45.000 So we're relying on you to pick up the slack.

01:23:47.000 And you're doing a wonderful job.

01:23:49.000 Thank you.

01:23:51.000 Watch this video.

01:23:53.000 It's just like you were saying on yesterday's show about kids.

01:23:57.000 So I click on the video.

01:24:05.000 Have you got that?

01:24:06.000 Yep.

01:24:07.000 This is an ancient one.

01:24:08.000 I've seen this before.

01:24:11.000 Because I eat them.

01:24:12.000 Why?

01:24:13.000 Because I eat them.

01:24:15.000 Alright, you're on video.

01:24:16.000 I eat them.

01:24:17.000 Do you buy meat from the supermarket?

01:24:18.000 Yeah, but we're not going to supermarket.

01:24:19.000 You know, they get killed in dirty areas. 0.96

01:24:24.000 Nasty, a whole bunch of blood leaking. 0.71

01:24:27.000 That's why I'm saying. 0.96

01:24:28.000 That's why you don't want that.

01:24:29.000 You're like a hero on Long Island right now.

01:24:32.000 What?

01:24:32.000 Because kids are upset.

01:24:34.000 They're crying because you want to kill deer.

01:24:36.000 I'm sorry that they're crying.

01:24:37.000 You need to explain to them that it's part of life.

01:24:40.000 No, why don't you go, Luke?

01:24:41.000 Get away. 0.73

01:24:42.000 Excuse me, please.

01:24:43.000 Don't hit my car.

01:24:44.000 You have a bet?

01:24:45.000 Yep.

01:24:46.000 How would you like to see your cat down?

01:24:48.000 You're a rider.

01:24:50.000 First of all, yeah, the viewer is right.

01:24:52.000 The arrogance on these kids talking to someone like that.

01:24:55.000 And also, how are you not familiar with deers on a truck?

01:24:59.000 How long have you been living in America for?

01:25:01.000 Or North America?

01:25:03.000 I saw the first deer on a truck about an hour after I emigrated to Canada in 1975.

01:25:10.000 Right?

01:25:12.000 I see them on tractors all the time.

01:25:13.000 In fact, you have to get tags because people eat them too much.

01:25:17.000 And they're worried about the population.

01:25:19.000 Which I think is ridiculous, by the way. 0.99

01:25:21.000 They're elegant rats. 0.99

01:25:22.000 If you want to eat them, thank you for eating rats. 1.00

01:25:25.000 Get rid of them all. 1.00

01:25:26.000 They're stupid. 1.00

01:25:28.000 And they eat everything. 1.00

01:25:30.000 You know the only way I could have an apple tree when I lived upstate?

01:25:33.000 It was in a mesh cube.

01:25:36.000 Top, bottoms.

01:25:38.000 And even then I had to worry about grubs burrowing under. 1.00

01:25:41.000 And that was because of the goddamn deers. 1.00

01:25:44.000 Hang out in somebody's neighborhood right now. 1.00

01:25:46.000 I'm not trying to do anything bad.

01:25:48.000 Why don't you go somewhere else?

01:25:49.000 Yeah, you are.

01:25:50.000 I'm not trying to do anything bad.

01:25:51.000 You're using a weapon to a live animal.

01:25:54.000 Okay, and I'm going to eat it. 1.00

01:25:55.000 Instead, you let somebody else kill it. 0.98

01:25:56.000 No, you're not.

01:25:57.000 I'm not going to eat it.

01:25:59.000 Dude, we don't want to see it.

01:26:00.000 What are you hunting for?

01:26:01.000 All right, the guy is coming here on the way now.

01:26:03.000 The officer is on the way.

01:26:04.000 Officer?

01:26:06.000 Okay.

01:26:07.000 This guy in the truck is just as bad. 1.00

01:26:09.000 They're all imbeciles. 1.00

01:26:10.000 First of all, discipline your kid. 1.00

01:26:11.000 Don't let him talk to people like that.

01:26:13.000 Secondly, explain to your kid what hunting is and how it's more ethical to shoot a deer and eat it than it is to buy a hot dog.

01:26:20.000 And third, why is this dude in the car calling the cops?

01:26:25.000 Please.

01:26:26.000 There's a child outside.

01:26:27.000 He has a plastic hockey stick and he doesn't approve of my diet.

01:26:32.000 Wow.

01:26:33.000 You really, you really are. 1.00

01:26:34.000 You're an asshole. 1.00

01:26:35.000 Wow. 1.00

01:26:35.000 You're not going to reprimand your kid for that at all. 1.00

01:26:38.000 That's nice.

01:26:39.000 By the way, next, you're lucky there's an adult there.

01:26:41.000 What is your kid? 1.00

01:26:42.000 Fuck you? 1.00

01:26:43.000 I didn't hear anything. 1.00

01:26:48.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:26:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:49.000 Wow. 1.00

01:26:51.000 Okay, why don't you say that to an MS-13 kid when dad's not around?

01:26:56.000 If you let your kid talk like that, your kid's going to be in danger. 1.00

01:27:01.000 Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. 1.00

01:27:07.000 Wow. 1.00

01:27:07.000 What a little bitch. 1.00

01:27:11.000 Are you kidding me? 1.00

01:27:12.000 Are you kidding me?

01:27:14.000 I can't sit here for this.

01:27:15.000 I can't. 1.00

01:27:17.000 What a pussy. 1.00

01:27:18.000 And he had bad adrenaline control, too. 1.00

01:27:21.000 They're killed in dirty places.

01:27:25.000 I'm going to eat dirtier places than this. 0.89

01:27:28.000 You say, you go, relax.

01:27:29.000 I'm a deer hunter.

01:27:30.000 I hunt deer and I eat them.

01:27:32.000 What are you talking about?

01:27:33.000 You never seen a dead deer before?

01:27:34.000 You eat meat.

01:27:35.000 This is much more ethical than what you do.

01:27:37.000 I only eat meat.

01:27:39.000 Oh my God, Jordan Peterson.

01:27:40.000 Wow.

01:27:42.000 I'm on a strict meat diet.

01:27:44.000 You know, I discovered you, basically.

01:27:45.000 And when I used to get you on my old show all the time, then you got too famous.

01:27:49.000 Now you won't return my calls.

01:27:50.000 I've been very busy.

01:27:52.000 And, you know, I'm on this pure meat diet because my daughter told me to, you know, try to eat meat.

01:27:59.000 Your daughter told you to try to eat meat?

01:28:02.000 Eat nothing but meat.

01:28:03.000 And I told you, I told Joe Rogan this.

01:28:05.000 I ate a cracker and I was on the bed for a week.

01:28:10.000 I was bloody out.

01:28:11.000 I had a piece of pollen hit my tongue.

01:28:15.000 I was asleep for five hours.

01:28:18.000 Oh, you sound kind of Irish there.

01:28:20.000 Yeah.

01:28:21.000 I guess Canadian is sort of linked.

01:28:22.000 Canadian accent is Scotch-Irish.

01:28:24.000 Anyway, I want to congratulate you for having 100 episodes.

01:28:28.000 Tarti Tree and a Tard episodes. 0.92

01:28:32.000 Wait, why is it 33 and a third?

01:28:34.000 Ah, just trying to be Irish, would you? 0.96

01:28:36.000 Oh, okay.

01:28:37.000 But yeah, Toodaloo and, you know, God bless.

01:28:39.000 Okay.

01:28:40.000 Bloody Jordan Peterson on the line.

01:28:42.000 Wow.

01:28:43.000 That was exciting.

01:28:45.000 See, people don't think I know celebrities.

01:28:48.000 It's easier to list the celebrities I don't know.

01:28:51.000 I don't know Jay-Z.

01:28:53.000 You don't?

01:28:54.000 I do not.

01:28:55.000 I think he knows you.

01:28:57.000 Okay.

01:29:01.000 This is from Curtis.

01:29:02.000 It's a black name.

01:29:04.000 Not sure if you guys saw this.

01:29:05.000 It's the perfect way to deal with street protests.

01:29:09.000 Keep up the good work, great work.

01:29:11.000 And this is from old Kurti Bastard.

01:29:14.000 Dear leftist protesters, this is what will happen if you try to block people from getting to work. 0.98

01:29:21.000 People have to put food on the table and don't have time for your nonsense. 0.68

01:29:25.000 Watch till the end. 0.76

01:29:26.000 What is going on?

01:29:27.000 What was his name again?

01:29:29.000 His name is Curtis.

01:29:30.000 It's right below the John one that you just read.

01:29:33.000 I'm going from the top down.

01:29:34.000 Gotcha.

01:29:35.000 Gotcha.

01:29:48.000 Just pause.

01:29:50.000 This goes back to what I was saying with the kid and yesterday with that woman who was harassing the other woman for having loud music.

01:29:57.000 We told all these people that they're invincible, and they all think they're Connor McGregor now.

01:30:02.000 Or worse, they can beat up a car. 0.99

01:30:05.000 It's exactly like that idiotic statue where they had the girl, the four-year-old girl standing in defiance of the Wall Street bull, which would gore a child in a tenth of a second. 1.00

01:30:16.000 That's right. 0.99

01:30:17.000 And that's a good example, by the way, of not restricting art, because I look at that and I love it.

01:30:22.000 Matt Palumbo and I were talking about that.

01:30:24.000 How the TV, I mean, sorry, those sculptures say exactly what I'm saying, which is we're empowering these young girls to the point where they think they can take on a car or a bull.

01:30:37.000 And that's not helping anyone.

01:30:42.000 This is not going to end well.

01:30:48.000 Oh, someone threw a pylon.

01:30:49.000 I wouldn't have predicted that.

01:30:56.000 It's just the cone.

01:30:57.000 What a perfect shot.

01:30:59.000 That's a misdirect.

01:31:00.000 Yeah, by the way, if you've ever been hit with a pylon, it kills.

01:31:03.000 No.

01:31:04.000 Oh, my God.

01:31:05.000 It looks like rubbery softball has to. 1.00

01:31:10.000 What part did it hit her with.

01:31:12.000 Oh, yeah, the bass?

01:31:14.000 Yeah.

01:31:14.000 Yeah, that'll hurt you.

01:31:15.000 No, it weighs about 10 pounds.

01:31:16.000 Holy smokes.

01:31:17.000 Even though it's made of soft, nice material, it makes a lot of it.

01:31:20.000 We used to hang out with this band Cerebral Balsy.

01:31:23.000 They played my 40th.

01:31:24.000 I love that. 0.99

01:31:24.000 Holy shit, that was nine years ago. 0.99

01:31:26.000 They played my 40th birthday party. 0.99

01:31:28.000 But the drummer, someone threw a pylon at the drummer, and it knocked him unconscious.

01:31:32.000 Wow.

01:31:34.000 Cerebral Balsy.

01:31:36.000 Great guys.

01:31:37.000 I was worried about that singer, though.

01:31:38.000 Great guys.

01:31:39.000 I think his name's Devotion or something.

01:31:42.000 That sounds like a stripper name. 1.00

01:31:43.000 Promise.

01:31:44.000 One of those weird kind of hippie names.

01:31:48.000 All right.

01:31:50.000 Oh, he's wearing a street carnage shirt.

01:31:53.000 That was fun.

01:31:54.000 Thank you for that letter.

01:31:55.000 Adam.

01:31:56.000 Oh, I almost said his last name.

01:31:58.000 Love you guys.

01:31:59.000 Gav talked about Larry Barnes and his boxing gym the other day in detail.

01:32:02.000 Someone's going to show up there and ruin your day. 0.99

01:32:04.000 Then, I guess it would be pretty funny to see them get the shit beat out of them. 0.99

01:32:08.000 Anyway, keep up the good fight. 0.99

01:32:10.000 Yeah.

01:32:12.000 Docs are your dox, you know?

01:32:14.000 Oh, my God.

01:32:15.000 Jay-Z.

01:32:16.000 It's your boy Hova.

01:32:18.000 Thanks for calling to congratulate me on my 100th episode, Jay-Z.

01:32:22.000 No problem, Kevin.

01:32:23.000 It's the rock in the building.

01:32:24.000 It's your boy Hova.

01:32:26.000 You cut your hair short.

01:32:27.000 I just saw yesterday you had that Basquiat hair.

01:32:30.000 Now you're back to shaved?

01:32:31.000 Uh-huh.

01:32:33.000 What's it like screwing Beyonce? 1.00

01:32:38.000 You got 30 minutes. 0.92

01:32:40.000 Can you ask her something?

01:32:42.000 I saw her doing an ad for blonde shampoo, and I was thinking, that's not your hair. 0.85

01:32:50.000 And you can't get it wet.

01:32:52.000 Yeah. 0.53

01:32:53.000 I mean, I'm allergic to that level of hypocrisy.

01:32:56.000 You should see me and her trying to go to a swimming pool because we both have long hair as of now. 0.69

01:33:03.000 That don't sound like me much no more.

01:33:04.000 Okay, bye.

01:33:09.000 All right, this is a long one.

01:33:10.000 This will have to be our last one.

01:33:14.000 Hi, Gavin. 1.00

01:33:15.000 You all talk about the importance of kids having fathers in their lives, but what if your dad is a total fucking loser? 0.99

01:33:19.000 By the way, I noticed your dad hasn't called in. 1.00

01:33:22.000 Why would he?

01:33:23.000 That's disappointing.

01:33:26.000 Why would he start now? 1.00

01:33:28.000 But what if your dad is a fucking loser? 1.00

01:33:31.000 I know everyone my age says that, but hear me out and get your cringing boots on. 1.00

01:33:34.000 My dad comes from a pretty successful family.

01:33:36.000 His uncle ran the largest car dealership in the region.

01:33:38.000 Both of his brothers are affluent tradesmen slash entrepreneurs.

01:33:41.000 They all live in gigantic houses in rural areas. 0.99

01:33:43.000 My dad has spent his whole life shuffling between shit paying jobs and raised me in a shack in the slums of Salt Lake City, which is a shitty city to grow up in. 0.98

01:33:50.000 You can't even get booze. 0.98

01:33:52.000 The first thing I want to mention, and probably the most important, is his relationship with my mom.

01:33:56.000 I got thinking about this when I saw Biggs talking about how it's the responsibility of the parents to display a loving relationship with each other so their kids don't turn to porn.

01:34:05.000 I will say too, the other great thing about staying together is when that kid is married and he's having trouble with his marriage, his context is parents that were together.

01:34:15.000 So they power through it.

01:34:17.000 And there will be some rough times.

01:34:19.000 Because my parents are still together.

01:34:21.000 My wife's parents are still together.

01:34:23.000 And I think that helps our marriage.

01:34:25.000 Was that Katsu?

01:34:27.000 You always have to power through that.

01:34:28.000 Be a father is very hard.

01:34:31.000 You abandoned Ryan when he was like a baby.

01:34:38.000 No, no, no, that's not being a father.

01:34:40.000 That's you making up for not being a father.

01:34:42.000 It's so difficult.

01:34:43.000 No, you're supposed to be there for your son. 0.98

01:34:46.000 We have a mailbag song that we play that says, Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad. 0.97

01:34:50.000 It's become his identity. 0.97

01:34:52.000 I am his male dad.

01:34:53.000 That's ironic, something crazy.

01:34:56.000 It's not something crazy.

01:34:57.000 It's something negligent.

01:34:59.000 And if your mouth is dry, you can lick the envelope so it doesn't stick.

01:35:04.000 What do you think of his hair?

01:35:06.000 Oh, I don't care.

01:35:10.000 something crazy um...

01:35:18.000 Ryan?

01:35:20.000 Sorry, something crazy.

01:35:21.000 All right, there's no more meat left on the bone here.

01:35:24.000 Okay, then bye.

01:35:27.000 I didn't have that.

01:35:28.000 I had to fight tooth and nail to quit my porn addiction.

01:35:30.000 In fact, my dad has never given me any advice in dating a woman in general, I suspect, because he's married the first woman who paid any attention to him.

01:35:36.000 This guy doesn't sound like a loser. 0.98

01:35:37.000 He stuck around his wife, and you're blaming him on the fact that you watch porn? 0.97

01:35:42.000 Hey, dude, have you ever heard of culpability? 1.00

01:35:45.000 That woman became my insane, obese mother. 1.00

01:35:47.000 My mom was a disciplinarian. 1.00

01:35:48.000 I've always been more afraid of her than dad.

01:35:50.000 In fact, dad's afraid of her, too.

01:35:53.000 When he caught me watching porn as a teenager, he was sort of mad, but didn't really punish me the way he should have.

01:35:56.000 The only thing he said was, I don't want to deal with how your mother's going to react to this, so just never speak of it again. 0.98

01:36:02.000 These days, I know that if he would have beaten my ass, maybe I would have quit when I was young. 0.98

01:36:06.000 Jesus Christ, dude. 1.00

01:36:07.000 You're putting your porn addiction on your father for not being tough enough? 1.00

01:36:12.000 That's a loser thing to do. 0.98

01:36:14.000 My dad was never there, and I became Earnman. 0.91

01:36:17.000 Oh, my God.

01:36:18.000 Yep.

01:36:18.000 Robert Downey Jr.

01:36:20.000 Just wanted to come in, jet in real quick, and say that because me and Jarvis have an appointment, and me and Thor and the Incredible Hulk, maybe you've heard of him.

01:36:27.000 Maybe, maybe, just maybe.

01:36:29.000 Yeah, I'm very familiar with him.

01:36:30.000 I didn't know that about you.

01:36:31.000 You didn't have a father growing up?

01:36:33.000 He was very busy.

01:36:34.000 He was a scientist man.

01:36:35.000 He always made me feel like dirt.

01:36:36.000 And so I built a metal Ironman suit.

01:36:41.000 Cool.

01:36:42.000 I'm not sure if that was Robert Downey Jr. or Tony Star.

01:36:45.000 Yeah, I don't know. 0.85

01:36:48.000 When my mom busted my brother for doing the same thing, she beat the living shit out of him, removed any kind of computer device from his possession forever, said he wasn't allowed to go outside without a chaperone, effectively burning the poor 15-year-old kid's social life to ashes.

01:37:01.000 Today, my brother is 20 years old and lives with his mommy, spending all day playing with Legos. 0.96

01:37:06.000 Dad did nothing, so maybe his cowardice was for the best after all.

01:37:09.000 This letter is depressing, and, you know, there's something I want to make clear.

01:37:17.000 You are who you are from birth.

01:37:19.000 If you're going to be involved in film, you're going to be involved in film.

01:37:22.000 But that doesn't mean that your parents have no influence.

01:37:25.000 Jimi Hendrix was always going to be a guitarist.

01:37:27.000 His dad got up a guitar, but if his dad didn't, he wouldn't have.

01:37:31.000 sorry, he still would have pursued music.

01:37:33.000 It's just in him.

01:37:35.000 So then you say, well, why bother parenting?

01:37:37.000 Because you want to make their lives better.

01:37:38.000 Like Jimi Hendrix should have gone to music schools and been in bands and been encouraged and had mentors and teachers.

01:37:44.000 He had to learn to play, I believe, all by himself.

01:37:47.000 So you're always, Jimi Hendrix was always going to be Jimi Hendrix, but you want to make the road there fun and interesting and loving. 0.99

01:37:55.000 But that doesn't mean that everything good that you have is because your parents were there and everything bad you have is because they fucked up. 0.99

01:38:01.000 You're responsible for you. 0.99

01:38:03.000 You are always, statistically, a father in a household is always going to be responsible, at least partially, for the statistics.

01:38:13.000 Is that Talib Starks?

01:38:14.000 Oh, hi, Gavin.

01:38:15.000 Hey, man, what's going on?

01:38:17.000 You look kind of like you've gone blind since I last saw you.

01:38:20.000 What's with your eyes?

01:38:23.000 Well, no.

01:38:24.000 See, in Philadelphia, it's always sunny here.

01:38:27.000 That's where I live.

01:38:29.000 So it doesn't explain your eyes.

01:38:29.000 Oh, I see.

01:38:31.000 By the way, folks, Talib Starks, I used to work with him at Compound Media.

01:38:34.000 He's got a great show there.

01:38:36.000 It's called Safe Space.

01:38:37.000 One of the early Proud Boys.

01:38:38.000 Safe Space.

01:38:40.000 That's what it's called.

01:38:40.000 Yeah.

01:38:42.000 So statistically, you write, and I just want to tell you, have a good show.

01:38:47.000 100, man.

01:38:48.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:38:49.000 Okay, and by the way, it's statistically.

01:38:51.000 Statistically.

01:38:52.000 No, statistically.

01:38:54.000 Also, it's not sword.

01:38:56.000 It's sword.

01:38:57.000 You don't pronounce the W. Okay.

01:39:03.000 He never told me anything about money because he never knew anything about money.

01:39:06.000 He's only worked two jobs the whole time.

01:39:07.000 I've known him.

01:39:08.000 His current one pays pretty well, but he hates it.

01:39:10.000 He's never worked any overtime.

01:39:11.000 Oh, my gosh.

01:39:12.000 Your daddy didn't work any overtime. 0.57

01:39:14.000 He's just bitching. 1.00

01:39:16.000 And when he's not working, taking that and playing video games.

01:39:18.000 He's always been that way.

01:39:19.000 Every time I see him, the only thing he's excited for is a Star Wars movie.

01:39:22.000 He's always complaining about the state of the neighborhood, even though he has enough money to move.

01:39:26.000 In fact, I once advised that he evict my deadbeat siblings, both 20 or older, and sell the dump.

01:39:31.000 He and mom get an apartment somewhere.

01:39:33.000 He said that would be nice, but mom would never stand for that. 0.77

01:39:35.000 This guy sounds like a brat. 0.86

01:39:37.000 A little bit. 0.95

01:39:38.000 Sorry, sir.

01:39:39.000 I'm telling you all this because you don't quite have it right.

01:39:42.000 Simply having a father isn't enough.

01:39:44.000 If you don't have a father, you're likely to be a criminal. 1.00

01:39:46.000 But if you have a loser of a dad, then you're likely to be a loser. 1.00

01:39:50.000 I'm 23 years old and still trying to awkwardly figure out basic social shit that he should have taught me years ago. 1.00

01:39:56.000 He should have taught me. 0.97

01:39:58.000 I can't tell you just how frustrating it is that I have to look up to people like you and Donald Trump while seeing my own father as an example of what not to do.

01:40:07.000 I end the rant with a question. 0.99

01:40:08.000 You talk about the importance of family, but what do you do when your whole family totally sucks? 0.99

01:40:14.000 I'm not clear about it. 0.99

01:40:16.000 I know, I bet.

01:40:18.000 I like your new sunglasses, RJ.

01:40:20.000 By the way, in the unlikely event you respond to this on the air, can you reply to this email to let me know?

01:40:25.000 I'm a subscriber, but I have a life and can't catch every episode.

01:40:31.000 What a dude.

01:40:32.000 I'm just going to email him right now.

01:40:35.000 We read it on air today.

01:40:40.000 You come out pretty bad. 1.00

01:40:45.000 I guess I'll be blaming your dad for how bad that fucking letter was. 0.99

01:40:49.000 Yeah, my dad didn't even teach me to write half decent letters to people. 0.99

01:40:53.000 He was never there for him.

01:40:54.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:40:55.000 Ricky Gervais, hi.

01:40:57.000 Yeah, well, here's the thing.

01:40:58.000 If your father's not there, you got to take comedy.

01:41:01.000 You take pain, right?

01:41:03.000 And you turn it into comedy.

01:41:05.000 Because when you die, nothing happens.

01:41:06.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:41:08.000 Yeah.

01:41:08.000 Thank you.

01:41:09.000 Sorry.

01:41:11.000 Congratulations.

01:41:15.000 We've had about 100 celebrities call in.

01:41:19.000 Well, we're out of time, I'm afraid.

01:41:21.000 But I wouldn't mind something really intense.

01:41:26.000 Like, what about...

01:41:28.000 Well, you seem to have a plan here.

01:41:30.000 What do you mean?

01:41:31.000 I don't know what you mean.

01:41:32.000 Well, yeah, I mean...

01:41:38.000 Oh, oh, yeah.

01:41:41.000 Yeah.

01:41:42.000 So.

01:41:43.000 Well, let's see who this is.

01:41:45.000 Chilloo, it's not me.

01:41:48.000 What's with your mouth, Jack?

01:41:50.000 What?

01:41:52.000 Oh, that's better.

01:41:53.000 Rock and roll.

01:41:55.000 That's it.

01:41:57.000 So, there's that.

01:41:58.000 Oh, wait, just in case.

01:42:01.000 Okay.

01:42:02.000 Challo, it's a bass.

01:42:05.000 He didn't do his line exactly.

01:42:07.000 What is it?

01:42:08.000 Chillo, it's a bass.

01:42:09.000 He didn't do it.

01:42:10.000 Challo, it's a bass.

01:42:13.000 How you doing that, Gavin?

01:42:14.000 Oh, can you tell me about Tony Curtis? 0.96

01:42:17.000 Tony Curtis used to get banged in the butt by Hollywood executives so often. 1.00

01:42:21.000 He had to tie a rope around his waist so that way shit wouldn't tumble out of his ass. 1.00

01:42:27.000 Your nose is looking a lot better. 1.00

01:42:29.000 Yeah, I gained some weight.

01:42:33.000 My nose is back.

01:42:35.000 Yeah, you actually look really different from when I last saw you.

01:42:38.000 Last time I saw you, you had short hair, a tan.

01:42:40.000 You looked very handsome outside of the deflated speed bag that was hanging out in the middle of your face.

01:42:45.000 Thank you, thank you.

01:42:45.000 Yeah, yeah, that's all good things there.

01:42:47.000 So congratulations.

01:42:54.000 So, yeah, but there actually is a pretty special message and guest.

01:43:00.000 Oh, Chris Cotton, who's dead, has managed to call in for our 100th episode.

01:43:07.000 This is truth.

01:43:10.000 Hey, Chris.

01:43:11.000 What's up, Gavin?

01:43:13.000 I thought you died.

01:43:14.000 I look great.

01:43:14.000 Yeah, I like how I look.

01:43:15.000 This looks good.

01:43:16.000 This has got the beard going.

01:43:18.000 It's always a good time coming on the show.

01:43:21.000 Listen, right now I'm excited.

01:43:22.000 I just took my son-in-law.

01:43:25.000 Well, I'm sorry, was it?

01:43:26.000 My brother-in-law?

01:43:27.000 Yeah, not my son-in-law.

01:43:27.000 It's weird.

01:43:28.000 My brother-in-law just took him to a drive in Tennessee past.

01:43:33.000 Really, it's 100 episodes.

01:43:35.000 I don't know what you want me to tell.

01:43:36.000 It's not a birthday thing.

01:43:37.000 I'm just telling you what I'm doing today.

01:43:39.000 That's all I have for you.

01:43:41.000 This video is not going to get better.

01:43:42.000 You ask for a minute. 0.99

01:43:44.000 I'm doing the best I can to get to this minute, but this is really stupid. 0.99

01:43:48.000 Okay? 0.97

01:43:48.000 Like, 100 people and 100 guests. 0.97

01:43:50.000 I'm not technically a guest right now.

01:43:52.000 I'm in a car.

01:43:53.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:43:54.000 Like, I mean, I know you're saying I'm being a guest because I'm sending you a video, but that's really not how guests works. 0.98

01:44:00.000 I don't think, like, if I jerk off to a porn star, was she a guest in my home? 0.99

01:44:04.000 No, I just jerked off to her. 1.00

01:44:06.000 I don't think she was a guest. 0.97

01:44:09.000 But, okay, by your system, happy 100th.

01:44:13.000 Have a good one.

01:44:13.000 Chris Cotton.

01:44:15.000 Ninas, go Ninas. 1.00

01:44:16.000 All that.

01:44:17.000 Something cool.

01:44:18.000 Fill up the blanks.

01:44:21.000 Wow.

01:44:21.000 Yeah.

01:44:23.000 Never had a message from a dead man.

01:44:25.000 There's something really nice about just hearing about mundane stuff.

01:44:30.000 Just picking up a kid, this happened.

01:44:32.000 We like to end every show with a video.

01:44:40.000 This video makes me miss the 80s.

01:44:43.000 It was so ballsy and fun and dangerous.

01:44:48.000 When Trump says make America great again, he means this.

01:44:52.000 He means the 80s.

01:44:53.000 Before everything was about safety and being sued and not offending people and making sure everything fits into place perfectly and we can't clap, we have to go like this. 0.99

01:45:04.000 Before we all became pussies, basically. 0.98

01:45:08.000 This is Pee Wee Herman giving an award. 0.99

01:45:13.000 No, this is Pee Wee Herman being interrupted by a monster from Rubble Cop.

01:45:19.000 Our first nominees.

01:45:26.000 Like, that looks super dangerous.

01:45:32.000 You want your Oscar or you'll tear my head off my body?

01:45:35.000 What Oscar?

01:45:36.000 I want the sound of Xenophon.

01:45:38.000 Can we just pass it here?

01:45:40.000 I got into an argument with Roger Stone, who's always said your blazer has to be darker than your pants.

01:45:45.000 And I said, but I have these black pants I like and I want to wear them with a blue blazer.

01:45:49.000 And he goes, absolutely not.

01:45:50.000 Never.

01:45:52.000 And then I sent him this and I go, this is Pee Wee.

01:45:54.000 He looks great.

01:45:55.000 And he's got black pants and his blazer is lighter than his top.

01:45:58.000 And he goes, that's a gray top.

01:46:00.000 Sorry, that's a gray blazer with black accents.

01:46:03.000 Totally different story.

01:46:05.000 Wow.

01:46:06.000 Stone's rules.

01:46:07.000 Stone's rules.

01:46:10.000 Sound effects editing.

01:46:11.000 We already gave that Oscar out.

01:46:12.000 Sorry. 0.99

01:46:13.000 Good loser. 0.98

01:46:18.000 I don't sell not those papers. 0.99

01:46:21.000 I want my Oscar.

01:46:23.000 I'll give you 10 seconds to comply.

01:46:26.000 Ten seconds?

01:46:28.000 Can we discuss this?

01:46:30.000 Oh my god!

01:46:31.000 Help us, RoboCop!

01:46:34.000 You can never find a Robocop when you need one.

01:46:36.000 Oh my god!

01:46:42.000 How good is this?

01:46:47.000 And then he hangs on the rafters.

01:46:51.000 I would be scared.

01:46:53.000 I'd be terrified.

01:46:54.000 I'd be terrified, friend.

01:46:57.000 Look at him.

01:46:57.000 I'd terrified friend.

01:47:00.000 So he was on wires that whole time when he was announcing.

01:47:04.000 And there's RoboCop.

01:47:05.000 And then RoboCop shows up. 0.94

01:47:06.000 Holy crap.

01:47:07.000 That's awesome.

01:47:08.000 Can we get back to the moment?

01:47:11.000 We want to go back to this.

01:47:13.000 Look at all this smoke.

01:47:20.000 This is like our production level right now, the Laser Beast.

01:47:25.000 There's Paul Rubens hanging from the rafters.

01:47:29.000 They never get insurance for that now.

01:47:31.000 All right, Louis.

01:47:32.000 It's safe to continue giving the award now.

01:47:36.000 Thanks, Rebecca.

01:47:37.000 Oh, my God.

01:47:46.000 That's all I want.

01:47:47.000 A return to danger.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - December 17, 2019

S02E100 - 100 CELEBRITIES

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript