Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E80 - 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT MY FRIENDS

00:00:02.000 It just got me his pleasure.

00:00:04.000 Boomsy pleasure. 0.99

00:00:13.000 Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.

00:00:20.000 Music playing.

00:00:50.000 Music playing.

00:01:20.000 Who designed these?

00:01:21.000 How in the Sam hell are we going to wear these for two hours?

00:01:27.000 I'm already in hell, and that's the AC blaring.

00:01:30.000 I can't hear you too well.

00:01:32.000 How does some is someone supposed to wear this at a party?

00:01:37.000 Maybe just when you're getting the treats.

00:01:39.000 It's so hot.

00:01:41.000 And it's getting all moist from the condensation for my breath.

00:01:46.000 Yeah, I feel like I'm making out with whoever wore this last.

00:01:49.000 No joke, this could be an effective torture for someone.

00:01:54.000 Yeah, this is the McCain Manor type stuff.

00:01:56.000 Or even a terrorist.

00:01:58.000 I don't think you could last very long with this on.

00:02:01.000 I don't think I could do five minutes.

00:02:03.000 I would admit to a crime I did not commit in this mask.

00:02:07.000 let's look at the camera so we have a good thumbnail I've got a special remote here for my pumpkin that I can change colors.

00:02:25.000 I can go green or red.

00:02:29.000 Just auto.

00:02:33.000 I don't think I can do this, dude.

00:02:34.000 Yeah, no, I can't hear you that well either.

00:02:36.000 It's not good for the job.

00:02:37.000 I can hear the people at home screaming at us.

00:02:40.000 Oh, God.

00:02:43.000 That shouldn't exist.

00:02:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:46.000 It's a mistake.

00:02:49.000 It's like a mistake.

00:02:50.000 It's a lemon.

00:02:52.000 I don't think anyone wears that.

00:02:55.000 It's a well-done mask.

00:02:57.000 Yeah, so that's probably why it sells at CVS and they make them in China, but it doesn't work.

00:03:04.000 It's sort of like when you hear these super loud trucks going, you're not done.

00:03:12.000 If you make a truck and it's that loud, well, you're not, you gotta work on the engine, dude.

00:03:17.000 It's violating all the New York sound codes.

00:03:21.000 You're not finished.

00:03:22.000 I remember last year you told me that you put the strap around your chin so that way the mouth moves.

00:03:29.000 Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

00:03:32.000 One of them I even cut out the mouth.

00:03:34.000 Is that that one?

00:03:35.000 Yep.

00:03:36.000 So you can breathe a little bit better.

00:03:38.000 I don't think the mouth moves at all.

00:03:40.000 But look at that.

00:03:41.000 It's just heat.

00:03:44.000 I mean, maybe if it was, I'm going to say, five degrees outside, you might be able to tolerate it.

00:03:51.000 Now I feel bad that we're not being Halloween-y.

00:03:53.000 Well, I'll bet you even as a hat, it's too hot.

00:03:56.000 I have a backup.

00:03:59.000 Do you want to be Mario?

00:04:01.000 Okay, let's do Mario and Batman.

00:04:04.000 That's a little easier to breathe.

00:04:06.000 I could be Batman.

00:04:07.000 I'd be Mario?

00:04:07.000 Do you want to be Batman?

00:04:08.000 Or do you want to be Mario?

00:04:09.000 I'll be Batman.

00:04:10.000 I'm better than you, so I should be better.

00:04:12.000 True.

00:04:13.000 That was actually a saying we had in high school.

00:04:15.000 I forgot all about that.

00:04:16.000 In college, Batman.

00:04:20.000 The running joke we did in high school was we'd call a guy Robin, like your buddy, like I'd call you Robin.

00:04:28.000 So that implies that I'm Batman and I'm better than you.

00:04:33.000 And that's you not calling yourself Batman, which is pretty genius, too.

00:04:37.000 Without calling yourself Batman outwardly, you're calling.

00:04:39.000 Yeah.

00:04:40.000 And you pretend you're giving the guy a consolation prize and you're like, you're awesome, too, Robin.

00:04:44.000 Like, Batman needs Robin.

00:04:46.000 I need you there.

00:04:47.000 Yeah, he doesn't need him. 0.99

00:04:50.000 There was this guy who was fucking my girlfriend, Rosanna Saracino. 0.99

00:04:53.000 Jonathan. 0.99

00:04:54.000 Jeez.

00:04:55.000 And we would call him Batman because he made me feel like Robin because he stole my gal.

00:05:00.000 That's not really a Batman thing to do, though.

00:05:03.000 Yeah, it is.

00:05:04.000 Steal a girl. 0.97

00:05:05.000 Batman would steal your gal.

00:05:06.000 I hope not.

00:05:07.000 He's a gentleman, I thought.

00:05:12.000 Hello.

00:05:12.000 Welcome to the show.

00:05:13.000 Halloween is tomorrow.

00:05:14.000 We're all very excited.

00:05:15.000 Today is Wednesday.

00:05:16.000 It's not Halloween, but I guess we got to dress up tomorrow, too.

00:05:20.000 Yep.

00:05:20.000 And then the next, so that's what day is that?

00:05:24.000 Tomorrow's Thursday.

00:05:26.000 And then, so you won't be able to see our funny kids getting scared until Monday.

00:05:32.000 Right.

00:05:33.000 We'll blur the faces.

00:05:34.000 That takes a while anyway.

00:05:36.000 The opening song was Alt J. And they did, what's it called?

00:05:41.000 Fitzgibbons, Fitzgerald?

00:05:45.000 Fitz Pleasure.

00:05:46.000 Fitz Pleasure.

00:05:49.000 I looked up the lyrics because he sings so weird.

00:05:52.000 And the line that I just cut it on, he goes, Tall woman, pull the pylons down and wrap them around the neck of all the feckless men that choose to be the next. 1.00

00:06:05.000 What?

00:06:06.000 What does that mean?

00:06:08.000 So... 1.00

00:06:12.000 So it's more PC bullshit. 0.99

00:06:14.000 It's not depressing. 1.00

00:06:15.000 It's just everywhere.

00:06:16.000 Tall women are strangling these feckless men that think that they're going to be the next leader. 1.00

00:06:22.000 Well, they are going to be the next leaders.

00:06:24.000 Relax.

00:06:25.000 These flannel shirts, too, are way too effective.

00:06:27.000 I like the main look, M-A-I-N-E, but it's got to be very chilly.

00:06:34.000 Yeah.

00:06:35.000 Another thing New Yorkers do, they love the sweater, especially like secular Jewish lawyers. 0.97

00:06:41.000 They love the sweater with the blazer.

00:06:44.000 Isn't that upside down? 0.97

00:06:46.000 And it is so fucking hot. 0.94

00:06:47.000 You can maybe pull that off in Britain, where everything is chilling to the bone, but you cannot wear a sweater with a suit in New York, especially in the subway. 0.97

00:06:54.000 Jesus Christ.

00:06:56.000 A sweater vest is too intense.

00:06:58.000 Is that upside down?

00:06:59.000 No, that's not upside down.

00:07:03.000 This show's off to a slow start.

00:07:05.000 I don't think people are having a good time.

00:07:08.000 I'm blabbing about masks.

00:07:09.000 Maybe we should just stop.

00:07:10.000 Sometimes we'll have a show where we'll just go, this is not in the cards.

00:07:14.000 I remember hearing the Japanese calligraphers, if they would do one bad character, they'd stop and not do any calligraphy for two days because the karma wasn't with them.

00:07:24.000 Is this upside down?

00:07:27.000 Maybe not.

00:07:28.000 I don't care.

00:07:29.000 I'm an adult and I'm not very familiar with that game that I played when I was eight.

00:07:35.000 Alt J did a thing.

00:07:36.000 NPR has this in-store show where they have bands come in and AltJ did an incredible job.

00:07:44.000 It's hard for me to talk about these cool hipster bands because I know they would want me dead. 0.98

00:07:48.000 They would love to slit my family's throat. 1.00

00:07:51.000 But I like what I like. 0.99

00:07:52.000 This is my culture.

00:07:53.000 I grew up with it.

00:07:54.000 And I'm sorry, but the talent here is non-negotiable.

00:07:58.000 Yeah.

00:08:10.000 That guy with the blonde hair is the one who's like, he's probably doing it with the pretty cellist at the end there, right?

00:08:21.000 Ooh, maybe.

00:08:21.000 How do they not?

00:08:23.000 The lead singer gets whoever he wants.

00:08:25.000 You don't think the Salt Shaker boy is getting some?

00:08:28.000 No.

00:08:30.000 He's getting one of the other cellist leftovers.

00:08:33.000 Wouldn't that suck if you blew your way backstage, like you to see Motley Crew?

00:08:38.000 So you blow like the sound guy and the roadie and blowing, blowing, blowing.

00:08:42.000 And you finally get backstage and everyone is taken but Mick Mars.

00:08:46.000 He's like, all right, I'm ready for my BJ now.

00:08:49.000 You've already done five.

00:08:50.000 Your jaw hurts.

00:08:50.000 And you go, wow.

00:08:52.000 Mick Mars, huh?

00:08:53.000 The one, the crippled one? 1.00

00:08:55.000 The ugliest guy in rock? 0.90

00:08:58.000 I don't get sexy Vince Neal or Tommy Lee's gorgeous schlong or Nikki Six in his straight pubes. 0.88

00:09:05.000 I just made that up.

00:09:07.000 Put up Mick Mars.

00:09:08.000 Yeah, I'm gonna.

00:09:09.000 He is.

00:09:11.000 I think he's really short, too.

00:09:13.000 He's a four.

00:09:15.000 He's married to some European, I think, who's just like, I am married to a man who's in the Motley crew. 0.74

00:09:22.000 He's a freak.

00:09:23.000 So he's a four with all the fame included?

00:09:27.000 Oh, that's a tough one. 0.99

00:09:28.000 He's definitely one of the ugliest. 0.99

00:09:30.000 Wow. 1.00

00:09:31.000 What a ghoul.

00:09:35.000 He liked the makeup days a little better.

00:09:37.000 I like when now they're older, they're just casual.

00:09:39.000 Like, I just wear a bit of eyeliner.

00:09:40.000 Just some eyeshadow.

00:09:42.000 Whoa.

00:09:44.000 That's a ghoul. 0.98

00:09:45.000 I bet he didn't think he was going to get old.

00:09:48.000 So I'm in the doghouse.

00:09:50.000 My wife and I were having a fight, and that means she wants me out of the house, which means I just sit in a bar. 1.00

00:09:56.000 And I was in a bar yesterday for like 10 hours, two different bars.

00:10:01.000 Didn't come back to the city till 11 o'clock at night.

00:10:04.000 I mean, to the burbs.

00:10:06.000 And it is fascinating hanging out in a bar.

00:10:08.000 The quality of the conversation you get, maybe because people have a buzz, but when you start a day drink at like four, from 4 to 10 p.m., it's just the gossip and the stories.

00:10:20.000 Wow.

00:10:21.000 At one point, we're in this bar, and this is not in Manhattan.

00:10:25.000 I stopped off in the South Bronx on the way home.

00:10:28.000 I'm at this bar, and I've been there quite a few times. 0.97

00:10:31.000 It's old, ugly guys. 0.97

00:10:32.000 I'm like a male model in that bar. 0.99

00:10:34.000 I'm breathtaking.

00:10:35.000 People gasp when I walk into that bar.

00:10:38.000 I feel kind of like I'm pretty far in the...

00:10:44.000 Might be scooched.

00:10:45.000 Did you scooch some stuff?

00:10:47.000 Not to my knowledge.

00:10:48.000 I feel like I usually sit here.

00:10:50.000 Anyway.

00:10:52.000 This is going to freak you.

00:10:53.000 No, no, no. 0.96

00:10:53.000 I think you wanted your head in that cell. 0.96

00:10:56.000 Right?

00:10:56.000 No, I did.

00:10:57.000 But I have to go way over here to get my head in that cell.

00:11:00.000 So we're at this pub. 0.83

00:11:02.000 It's all ugly construction dudes, right? 0.95

00:11:05.000 And there's a chick there who's an 8.1. 1.00

00:11:09.000 And she's talking to my friend Bill, who is hideous.

00:11:14.000 He's probably 65 years old.

00:11:17.000 He's a vet, a war vet.

00:11:19.000 I think he flew helicopters in Nam or something.

00:11:22.000 And I think she blew him. 0.99

00:11:24.000 Yeah, and then I was talking to the bartender after, and he goes, oh, yeah, she's fucked everyone in here. 1.00

00:11:24.000 No. 1.00

00:11:28.000 She's the bartender here. 1.00

00:11:30.000 And I go, well, we're not at a millennial bar.

00:11:32.000 There's no male model. 0.74

00:11:33.000 I'm a male model here.

00:11:35.000 And he's like, yeah, I know.

00:11:36.000 It's weird. 1.00

00:11:37.000 I don't want to fuck her, but she tried to fuck me. 1.00

00:11:40.000 He goes, she fucked 16 guys in 20 days. 1.00

00:11:43.000 She kind of brags about it. 1.00

00:11:44.000 Wow.

00:11:45.000 And it was so confusing because I thought, you're a pretty girl.

00:11:49.000 You're clearly an infomaniac.

00:11:51.000 Isn't there a currency there?

00:11:52.000 Don't people want you?

00:11:54.000 He goes, yeah, she's had some boyfriends and they all get in fights because she won't stop dating other guys. 1.00

00:11:59.000 I don't think I've ever come across that before. 0.99

00:12:01.000 A very attractive whore who has money. 1.00

00:12:05.000 She's not like a crackhead. 1.00

00:12:07.000 And she fucks guys that look like your dad. 1.00

00:12:11.000 All of them. 0.99

00:12:12.000 In fact, that's kind of a compliment. 0.99

00:12:14.000 Ugly dads. 1.00

00:12:16.000 Damn. 1.00

00:12:17.000 That was weird. 0.99

00:12:18.000 It's a thing.

00:12:19.000 It's like a fetish. 0.99

00:12:20.000 A lot of girls have ugly fetishes. 1.00

00:12:22.000 You ever find it weird that they like to do weird stuff like pimples? 0.99

00:12:26.000 You see that fat guy that's with the pink shirt?

00:12:30.000 That's the kind of range I'm talking about here.

00:12:30.000 Yeah.

00:12:33.000 That's not an exaggeration of what I'm talking about.

00:12:35.000 Right.

00:12:36.000 In fact, I did a joke.

00:12:37.000 I go, Bill, you don't...

00:12:41.000 All right?

00:12:42.000 You don't have to pay actresses to come in here and pretend to like you just so we'll like you.

00:12:46.000 We already like you, Bill.

00:12:48.000 How much did you spend on this actress?

00:12:50.000 I almost, it started to sound kind of prostitute-y, so I had to go actress really clearly.

00:12:54.000 I go, what, you go to Ford Modeling Agency and pay some chick to Bill, we like you for who you are. 1.00

00:12:54.000 Right. 1.00

00:12:59.000 This is ridiculous. 0.96

00:13:02.000 And then people were laughing because it was that absurd. 1.00

00:13:05.000 But then, this big fat pig comes in, like, he looks like the kind of guy who drives a forklift. 0.99

00:13:09.000 And I said, You should have seen the fucking piece of tail Bill was just in here with. 0.99

00:13:13.000 And I go, and then the fat, ugly guy, who honestly looks like one of my dad's friends, white hair, looks, he's probably a retired cop. 0.99

00:13:21.000 He's like, he starts getting pissed off. 0.98

00:13:24.000 And I realize he's one of her harem.

00:13:26.000 Ah.

00:13:27.000 He's like, he's talking about, we'll say Jennifer.

00:13:30.000 He's talking about Jennifer, isn't he? 1.00

00:13:32.000 Fucking damn it. 1.00

00:13:34.000 Like, they're fighting for her. 1.00

00:13:35.000 Yeah.

00:13:36.000 And your dad is not a good example because he's breathtakingly gorgeous.

00:13:39.000 Thank you.

00:13:40.000 But, like, my dad.

00:13:41.000 This is the level.

00:13:42.000 My dad would probably be one of them.

00:13:45.000 Isn't that bizarre?

00:13:46.000 I don't know.

00:13:47.000 I mean, because here's the thing about hotties. 1.00

00:13:49.000 Okay.

00:13:50.000 They're in a realm of hotness and they have a lot to be insecure about because they're competing.

00:13:54.000 That's their thing.

00:13:56.000 Like a racehorse. 0.99

00:13:57.000 A racehorse is super faster, a regular horse, but in the racehorse realm, they might lose every fucking race they've ever had. 0.98

00:14:04.000 So, just bear with me. 0.98

00:14:05.000 Little encouragement, and this is going to pay. 0.98

00:14:07.000 Ladies and gentlemen, the shitty detective, Ryan Katsu Rivera. 0.99

00:14:12.000 And also, hot girls can't see their own hotness, so if they like uglies, then they like uglies. 1.00

00:14:18.000 Wow, you suck. 1.00

00:14:19.000 And also, they like popping pimples and doing weird stuff that's unsanitary that you would think is icky to girls. 1.00

00:14:26.000 Okay, that's enough.

00:14:26.000 That's enough out of you for maybe the rest of your life.

00:14:29.000 I'm going to get a flood of mailbag being like, dude, he's actually got a point.

00:14:31.000 Actually, he's really...

00:14:40.000 No.

00:14:41.000 No, no.

00:14:42.000 She could get anyone she wanted.

00:14:44.000 She's out of your league. 1.00

00:14:46.000 I think you're gorgeous, but you know what I mean.

00:14:48.000 I could probably.

00:14:49.000 He just used me as like the lithmas test first.

00:14:49.000 Yeah, right?

00:14:51.000 She's so hot she could get a dream boat like you. 1.00

00:14:56.000 This mask is annoying me too.

00:14:58.000 And it's hot.

00:14:59.000 Yeah, this mustache is.

00:15:00.000 Folks, when you're choosing Halloween costumes tomorrow, or even maybe, will there be parties this weekend or is that too late?

00:15:07.000 Start with comfort first and then decide what you want to do.

00:15:12.000 Actually, if you look at the very last video, this would be 2-8, but I didn't number it.

00:15:18.000 Ben Affleck was wearing a mask, a full mask, and I know that he has breath in there.

00:15:22.000 It's making it so uncomfortable.

00:15:24.000 He just wore it as a disguise.

00:15:25.000 So what he was definitely doing at this party, he's wasted in the video, is he was wearing it on his head.

00:15:31.000 Now, you go to a Halloween party and everyone's wearing this.

00:15:33.000 This isn't a mask.

00:15:35.000 You have a skull hat on.

00:15:37.000 I didn't choose this video because of this subject.

00:15:40.000 That's why it's not next.

00:15:42.000 But I chose this to say, leave him alone for crying out loud.

00:15:46.000 The guy's drunk.

00:15:48.000 He can't be drunk?

00:15:51.000 Look.

00:15:52.000 And he has a driver.

00:15:53.000 Whoa.

00:15:54.000 Whoops, CDAC.

00:15:55.000 All right, bud.

00:15:56.000 How you been tonight?

00:16:00.000 Celebrities can't do Halloween.

00:16:02.000 Have you noticed that?

00:16:02.000 Yeah.

00:16:03.000 He bought a $5 mask.

00:16:06.000 Robert Downey.

00:16:07.000 No, no, no.

00:16:07.000 Paul Rudd's daughter went as the wasp, and you would think Paul Rudd would go as the Ant-Man, but instead he went as like just a dude.

00:16:14.000 He went as weirdo Yankovic.

00:16:16.000 Wouldn't you be pissed?

00:16:17.000 Yeah.

00:16:18.000 I'd be pissed.

00:16:22.000 I'd be really mad. 0.99

00:16:25.000 Speaking of losers getting chicks, let's jump ahead. 0.99

00:16:29.000 I think 90 Day Fiancé is a scam. 1.00

00:16:31.000 I think it's woman from shitholes wanting a green card, and the guys who go there are fucking losers. 1.00

00:16:38.000 There's a show called 90 Day Fiancé in Reverse or something, where these guys go to her terrible, shitty place, like Guatemala. 1.00

00:16:48.000 And you're looking, and she's sort of going, what is he doing here? 0.75

00:16:51.000 This is not the deal.

00:16:52.000 I did this for tickets.

00:16:54.000 I did this for America. 0.86

00:16:56.000 But there was an article in the post today, 90 Day Fiancé, we're not a sleazy rich guy or a prostitute. 0.60

00:17:01.000 This guy's in New York.

00:17:02.000 He went and got himself a Brazilian model.

00:17:04.000 And they're still together two years later.

00:17:06.000 So they're saying the show is real.

00:17:08.000 We're real.

00:17:09.000 This was not a scam.

00:17:11.000 I think you're an exception.

00:17:13.000 You're anecdotal evidence.

00:17:14.000 I don't think that's the pattern.

00:17:15.000 The pattern is an exchange. 1.00

00:17:20.000 I'll give you a ticket to this super awesome country, but you have to fuck me because no one in this super awesome country wants me because I am ugly and I have no social skills. 1.00

00:17:30.000 They'd be popular at the bar in the South Bronx, though, with Jennifer. 1.00

00:17:33.000 Jesus Christ.

00:17:34.000 Zero standards. 1.00

00:17:36.000 And the guy who said she wanted to fuck me, but I didn't want to fuck her, he was probably 68 years old. 1.00

00:17:42.000 Like he's an old man. 1.00

00:17:44.000 White hair everywhere.

00:17:46.000 You know when men get that thing where they start to crumple?

00:17:49.000 My dad has it.

00:17:49.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.000 And they sit cross-legged and they got their beer and their cigarette and they're just like that.

00:17:54.000 And it's like someone let the air out of them and they're just going, pssss.

00:17:59.000 And that was the quality of you guys.

00:18:01.000 It was two guys.

00:18:02.000 It was the inflated guy who was like, playing the quick draw.

00:18:06.000 And then there was the pss.

00:18:08.000 And she just thought, oh, like she's playing some sort of pan flute.

00:18:13.000 Maybe she's a demon. 1.00

00:18:15.000 Like a succubus. 0.73

00:18:17.000 A succubus. 0.99

00:18:18.000 Did you come with that theory because of the word suck? 0.96

00:18:21.000 No, succubus is a thing. 0.96

00:18:23.000 Yeah, I realize it's a thing.

00:18:25.000 Anyway, no more theories from you, please.

00:18:27.000 For three years.

00:18:28.000 Wow.

00:18:29.000 Yeah.

00:18:29.000 When Trump...

00:18:34.000 So four years.

00:18:38.000 But look at this guy.

00:18:39.000 This is.

00:18:40.000 Oh, I didn't number these.

00:18:42.000 Mine's numbered.

00:18:43.000 Oh, shoot.

00:18:46.000 Can you print out the email properly numbered?

00:18:50.000 I didn't print the numbered one.

00:18:52.000 But yeah, look at while you're doing that, look at this guy.

00:18:55.000 You've never seen Less Game, and it's so obvious that she hates him. 0.94

00:19:00.000 I guess like a sheath protection bag.

00:19:02.000 I put a condom on, have a piece of paper. 0.99

00:19:03.000 Oh, that's the penis fish. 0.99

00:19:04.000 That's not the one, but that's good, too. 0.92

00:19:09.000 I think I've talked about this on the show before.

00:19:11.000 Do you know what he's doing?

00:19:12.000 No.

00:19:12.000 He's going swimming with his new date in whatever they are, Guatemala or some Central American hellhole.

00:19:18.000 We need more paper.

00:19:24.000 She's not even that hot. 0.98

00:19:25.000 If you're going to go to the Turd World, get the most beautiful woman they've ever made. 1.00

00:19:30.000 Get the president.

00:19:31.000 Get the president.

00:19:36.000 He's scared of the water.

00:19:38.000 You can see why he had to go so far away to try to get laid.

00:19:41.000 No one anywhere near us wants to sleep with this guy.

00:19:45.000 So, what you're not seeing is that he put a condom on.

00:19:50.000 Oh, that's what he did.

00:19:52.000 Remember that guy? 0.99

00:19:53.000 Because of that penis fish? 1.00

00:19:55.000 Oh, yeah, that swims up your peeholes. 1.00

00:19:58.000 And it's probably happened twice in the history of man.

00:20:01.000 There is a fish in the Amazon that senses when you're urinating and will go up your urethra, lock its little barbs in there. 0.74

00:20:07.000 He thinks they're everywhere.

00:20:08.000 So he puts a condom on and pants with boots, little booties, so fish can't swim in and get him.

00:20:15.000 Kandiru. 1.00

00:20:16.000 What a loser. 0.99

00:20:19.000 I think that same guy, too, he's trying to get citizenship for. 0.99

00:20:24.000 Now I'm thinking Brazil.

00:20:26.000 But it doesn't work out because he has a stalking criminal charge from his previous girlfriend.

00:20:34.000 He stalked her. 0.57

00:20:35.000 I mean, he's basically just the worst guy ever, right?

00:20:41.000 So go to the 1-7.

00:20:44.000 I think that's what inspired this whole thing.

00:20:46.000 Unnumbered pages go in the garbage.

00:20:49.000 Look at their beautiful architecture.

00:20:50.000 Wait, go back, go back, go back.

00:20:51.000 He's in Kenya.

00:20:52.000 Kenya is the Manhattan of Africa. 0.91

00:20:55.000 It's the argument they always use to say, no, no, there's some beautiful places in Africa.

00:20:59.000 Kenya is very middle class.

00:21:00.000 It's like Canada. 0.62

00:21:02.000 Really?

00:21:02.000 It's just a tall mud hut.

00:21:04.000 This is where Obama was born.

00:21:06.000 Good morning.

00:21:07.000 Good morning.

00:21:09.000 She's probably the richest person there. 1.00

00:21:14.000 It's my last day here in Kenya, and I woke up with Akini as my wife.

00:21:20.000 You look thrilled.

00:21:21.000 I'm very happy.

00:21:22.000 I've went through everything that was requested.

00:21:26.000 Just pause.

00:21:26.000 All the women in these shadow countries must think that Americans are autistic because every time they get one, he's got Asperger's.

00:21:34.000 This guy is right on the spectrum.

00:21:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:37.000 And that doesn't make pussies wet anywhere in the entire world. 1.00

00:21:41.000 Not good to stare for that long at a person. 0.95

00:21:44.000 And we're going to have a happy life together.

00:21:47.000 No, you're not.

00:21:48.000 She's going to dump you as soon as you enjoy citizenship. 1.00

00:21:51.000 Oh, he's 33.

00:21:52.000 Have a happy life together.

00:21:55.000 So did you enjoy everything last night?

00:22:01.000 Mm-hmm.

00:22:02.000 Yeah, no.

00:22:04.000 I did.

00:22:06.000 Do I need to go get a satisfaction survey?

00:22:10.000 I can't do this.

00:22:11.000 I know.

00:22:12.000 It's really hard.

00:22:13.000 I've never asked a woman if she enjoyed the sex last night.

00:22:16.000 They hate talking about it.

00:22:18.000 Women don't like to sit down and go, I liked it. 1.00

00:22:19.000 I liked the first part. 1.00

00:22:20.000 I liked the sort of oral sex. 0.99

00:22:22.000 And then it was kind of weird in the middle there. 0.99

00:22:24.000 And then the part at the end was like, you were a little quick, but it was intense.

00:22:28.000 Sure, yeah.

00:22:29.000 They don't do that.

00:22:30.000 That's not a female thing. 1.00

00:22:31.000 That's a male thing. 0.99

00:22:32.000 Men want to know how big were the nipples? 1.00

00:22:37.000 I know what that means. 0.98

00:22:41.000 Being married, we can now sleep in the same bed.

00:22:45.000 Oh, he's Ben Ratner.

00:22:48.000 Yes, he is.

00:22:49.000 That's weird.

00:22:51.000 And it went well.

00:22:58.000 She's pretty. 0.99

00:22:58.000 The cookie jar was taken care of well. 0.99

00:23:00.000 Oh. 1.00

00:23:01.000 He's calling her vagina a cookie jar. 1.00

00:23:05.000 Look at the look she's giving him. 1.00

00:23:06.000 By the way, cookie jars are about this big. 0.98

00:23:10.000 So if you were at a vagina that was a cookie jar and you were giving birth, the baby could just be like, are we good? 0.98

00:23:16.000 All right, I'm out. 0.99

00:23:17.000 Don't spank me.

00:23:18.000 I'm fine.

00:23:20.000 That's crazy.

00:23:21.000 What is it?

00:23:22.000 He puts it in there and it just bounces around like a bell.

00:23:27.000 Like one of those fish that swim up your urethra.

00:23:33.000 Chemistry is important.

00:23:34.000 This is torture.

00:23:36.000 I think we have it.

00:23:37.000 Not anymore.

00:23:40.000 I think we have it. 1.00

00:23:41.000 Yes, you can rape me for citizenship. 0.99

00:23:45.000 We have the chemistry of oil and just other oils. 1.00

00:23:49.000 You know the guy who asked, why are you gay? 1.00

00:23:51.000 This is why, because she fucked him. 1.00

00:23:55.000 Well, let's go ahead and get the day going. 1.00

00:23:59.000 Still have to.

00:24:01.000 He hurts.

00:24:04.000 He hurts my skin.

00:24:05.000 I feel sad, for real.

00:24:06.000 I feel like I have radiation.

00:24:09.000 He's keen.

00:24:13.000 Look at that microwave shelf. 0.94

00:24:14.000 We're married now.

00:24:16.000 Wait a minute.

00:24:17.000 Oh, that's insane.

00:24:18.000 But wait a minute.

00:24:19.000 She said the daughter, I guess he has to pay a dowry, like five goats or something.

00:24:23.000 And the mother said no.

00:24:25.000 King's father didn't accept my initial offer during the bride price.

00:24:32.000 So I agreed to pay more money in the future.

00:24:36.000 That leaves me with anxiousness.

00:24:41.000 Anxiety is the term you queef.

00:24:45.000 Yeah, queef is a good definition for that.

00:24:48.000 That's sad, man.

00:24:49.000 That's really a bummer.

00:24:50.000 Yeah, it is.

00:24:52.000 Well, one of my favorite couples on it was the Jamaican guy.

00:24:55.000 So this woman gets divorced. 1.00

00:24:57.000 Her husband cheats on her.

00:24:59.000 She's a normal blonde. 1.00

00:25:00.000 She's got a very, really Hamilton, Ontario vibe. 0.85

00:25:02.000 Maybe they're in Michigan.

00:25:04.000 And that's her on the left. 0.95

00:25:05.000 They're the blonde. 1.00

00:25:06.000 So she goes partying in Jamaica with her friends.

00:25:09.000 And she meets, she's like 38, 40.

00:25:12.000 She meets a 19-year-old Jamaican named Jay and she bones him a bunch. 0.65

00:25:18.000 Guess what that means?

00:25:21.000 We're in love.

00:25:23.000 We're clearly in love. 1.00

00:25:26.000 I'm having sex with a teenager in a shithole country and I'm a rich white woman. 1.00

00:25:30.000 Ergo, this is Romeo and Juliet. 1.00

00:25:33.000 So she flies him back to Wisconsin or whatever the hell they are. 0.99

00:25:39.000 And you're not going to believe this, but he starts fucking everything that moves. 0.92

00:25:46.000 And she finds him on dating apps where he goes, it was just, well, Guan, I was just communicating back and forth, you know, just doing like a text message. 0.99

00:25:57.000 And by the way, you cheat on your new wife.

00:26:00.000 Your green card's ripped up.

00:26:01.000 You're gone back.

00:26:03.000 The ice shows up. 0.86

00:26:04.000 So, in a way, that's kind of like rape. 1.00

00:26:07.000 You're kind of a sex slave because there's this sword of Damocles hanging over your head. 1.00

00:26:12.000 She can send you back. 1.00

00:26:13.000 Oh my god.

00:26:14.000 What if that's part of the appeal for them?

00:26:17.000 They're just like, I can control you.

00:26:20.000 Hey, could you take the garbage out?

00:26:22.000 I'm kind of busy, you know.

00:26:24.000 Oh, really?

00:26:25.000 Would you be busy in Camp Town?

00:26:27.000 In Jamaica, in Kingston?

00:26:30.000 No, I'll take out the garbage.

00:26:32.000 My schedule just cleared up.

00:26:35.000 But that's not the case here.

00:26:36.000 This guy is a, well, he's a normal teen for crying out loud.

00:26:41.000 Okay, go back to the beginning.

00:26:42.000 It was a mistake.

00:26:43.000 What are you thinking?

00:26:44.000 Why?

00:26:46.000 It was just a mistake, and I wasn't going to have no one come over by the house.

00:26:51.000 It was a mistake.

00:26:52.000 But you just married the person who you're supposed to love.

00:26:58.000 Right, so what happens when you're at your seven-year itch and you're having trouble?

00:27:02.000 Then what do you do?

00:27:03.000 If this is what you do three days after you got married, what do you do when you actually are having troubles in your marriage?

00:27:08.000 Because as far as I was concerned, we weren't having any issues.

00:27:12.000 Ashley, you felt confident about marrying Jay.

00:27:15.000 Is she defending him, saying he just had the seven-year itch in three days?

00:27:18.000 Yeah.

00:27:19.000 What do you do?

00:27:20.000 Now, when it's seven years comes up, he gets no pass.

00:27:22.000 He just spends his money early.

00:27:24.000 Yeah, that's fine.

00:27:24.000 That's okay.

00:27:25.000 He's like Ryan Katsuberry. 0.99

00:27:26.000 He's in pussy debt. 1.00

00:27:27.000 Yes. 1.00

00:27:28.000 He's got his pussy debt early. 0.99

00:27:30.000 Even after backing out of two other engagements. 1.00

00:27:34.000 Yeah, he's slick.

00:27:35.000 Like, I didn't see that coming.

00:27:36.000 He had me totally fooled that he actually loved me.

00:27:38.000 So you guys were good.

00:27:40.000 Yeah, we are.

00:27:40.000 So what are you saying?

00:27:41.000 I don't love you right now.

00:27:42.000 I don't know.

00:27:43.000 It was just a misunderstanding.

00:27:45.000 That's not a misunderstanding.

00:27:46.000 I wish I could go back.

00:27:47.000 You don't misunderstand downloading an app and talking to multiple women.

00:27:50.000 That's not a misunderstanding.

00:27:51.000 Can I talk?

00:27:53.000 Let him talk.

00:27:54.000 It was just a misunderstanding.

00:27:56.000 Ticker's learning is like.

00:27:56.000 I wish I could go back.

00:27:58.000 That's the situation I was talking about at the bar yesterday.

00:28:00.000 Except this Jennifer's way harder. 1.00

00:28:02.000 But that was the kind of quality dude.

00:28:05.000 Go back and fix it. 0.96

00:28:07.000 I would do any fucking thing just to fix it. 0.98

00:28:09.000 He gave me a screw up and I know that I screw up. 0.98

00:28:12.000 So don't act like I...

00:28:15.000 Don't tell me how to act.

00:28:16.000 Like, don't even fing tell me how to act.

00:28:18.000 All right.

00:28:19.000 You f ⁇ ed up. 0.99

00:28:20.000 Take it on the chin.

00:28:20.000 Simple.

00:28:22.000 Just don't even try to defend yourself because you sound like an idiot. 1.00

00:28:25.000 Why are we sitting here watching TV as a show? 1.00

00:28:27.000 Her fat friend was trying to get her to stop. 0.99

00:28:29.000 Anyway, they're no more.

00:28:31.000 You don't know 2-0.

00:28:33.000 Every single person with that exception who is watching that show is just sitting there eating popcorn going, oh, will you give me a break?

00:28:33.000 Yeah.

00:28:40.000 Your fat friend is right. 0.55

00:28:43.000 So he says, I can't go back to Jamaica. 1.00

00:28:46.000 I'll be killed. 0.95

00:28:47.000 For what? 1.00

00:28:49.000 He's trying to claim refugee status.

00:28:51.000 We're in earrings.

00:28:52.000 Yeah, there's a culture in Jamaica where if you get dumped, you become a persona non grata.

00:28:59.000 But scroll down to the bottom of that while the video loads.

00:29:03.000 Can you read some of that?

00:29:04.000 I can't read it very well.

00:29:06.000 Let's see, which part.

00:29:07.000 Oh, yeah, read the last paragraph.

00:29:09.000 Okay.

00:29:11.000 Bad intentions aside, Ashley was sad that Jay was arrested and then detained by immigration.

00:29:16.000 This is a very sad situation overall.

00:29:18.000 I'm not popping champagne bottles celebrating today, Ashley told Celebuzz.

00:29:22.000 It's hard to sit here and think about how he's sitting in a jail cell right now, but I also have to remember everything he put me through the past year.

00:29:28.000 I still have a great deal of love for him, so it isn't easy.

00:29:32.000 Picturing my husband in jail is the worst feeling in the world.

00:29:35.000 In the world.

00:29:37.000 What was his crime?

00:29:37.000 Why?

00:29:40.000 I hate asking you things.

00:29:41.000 It's so frustrating.

00:29:43.000 It's like asking my son, my youngest son, my six-year-old.

00:29:48.000 He always says, actually, I feel like...

00:29:54.000 I feel like the first bicycles probably had no handlebars.

00:29:59.000 Oh.

00:30:00.000 He's arrested for violating a protection from abuse filed by a strange wife, Ashley Marston.

00:30:05.000 One of his friends started a GoFundMe account on Thursday to raise money so he could be released.

00:30:10.000 So a strange wife. 1.00

00:30:12.000 So they're still technically married.

00:30:13.000 They never got divorced.

00:30:14.000 So she kicked him out of the house and then he kept stalking her.

00:30:18.000 So she called the cops.

00:30:19.000 Now he's in jail.

00:30:19.000 He's going to be deported.

00:30:21.000 Yeah.

00:30:22.000 That's a weird form of slavery, isn't it? 1.00

00:30:24.000 Look, she's his little, my little pet black slave. 1.00

00:30:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:27.000 And if he does anything wrong, jail.

00:30:30.000 Poor kid. 1.00

00:30:31.000 Poor little stupid teen. 1.00

00:30:32.000 He's just a teenager. 1.00

00:30:34.000 Remember when you were 19?

00:30:35.000 She has motives.

00:30:36.000 He doesn't.

00:30:37.000 When I was 19, I would do any drug you put in front of me and screw anything that moved.

00:30:43.000 I'm so lucky to be alive.

00:30:45.000 We used to do a thing called Danger Zone, where we'd stand on my friend's truck and as he ripped down the suburban streets and surf it.

00:30:55.000 Yeah, Danger Zone, Danger Zone.

00:30:58.000 Jing.

00:31:00.000 We played chicken, driving at each other.

00:31:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:04.000 Oh, it makes me nauseous to remember.

00:31:07.000 Yeah, being in some of the races, we used to do races around these tight, winding roads, and that's not smart.

00:31:13.000 You know, then you got to be your 20s, and then the races you do are like Asian, black, white, Armenian. 0.79

00:31:19.000 These are even more dangerous races. 0.99

00:31:21.000 Donald Glover.

00:31:23.000 Donald Glover.

00:31:24.000 More dangerous, I got it. 0.99

00:31:25.000 Donald Glover has a thing where he goes, I like doing the black chicks of other races. 1.00

00:31:29.000 Like, I like sleeping with Filipinos because they're the black chicks of Asians. 1.00

00:31:33.000 And he goes, I like screwing Armenian girls because they're like the black girls of white girls. 1.00

00:31:38.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

00:31:39.000 I thought you just mentioned Donald Glover's own race.

00:31:44.000 Speaking of doing acid, that reminds me of there's been some victories in the war on comedy.

00:31:48.000 And I was noticing, you know, when I did a, I had a bet with Louis J. Gomez, and I said, comedy is easy.

00:31:57.000 You guys talk about the front lines.

00:31:59.000 You're on the front lines of comedy.

00:32:00.000 It's a cinch.

00:32:02.000 I could do it with my hand behind my back.

00:32:04.000 And he goes, oh, yeah, I'll bet you, $100.

00:32:06.000 So I went to the stand, and I did very hilarious comedy.

00:32:10.000 Half of it was, it was all improv.

00:32:13.000 Aaron Burke had just come out talking about how disgusting foreskins are.

00:32:16.000 And I came out saying they're not that bad. 1.00

00:32:18.000 And I pulled my penis out. 1.00

00:32:21.000 Banned from the club forever. 1.00

00:32:22.000 I can never perform there again.

00:32:24.000 And they banned the footage and all this stuff.

00:32:26.000 But it was a good set.

00:32:26.000 Very mad.

00:32:30.000 I came out and I said, that applause could have done better.

00:32:34.000 And I think I know one of the reasons you're so quiet is because I'm racist. 0.97

00:32:38.000 And that's kind of shitty because it's racist. 0.97

00:32:42.000 And you're doing the thing that you're mad at me for. 0.97

00:32:45.000 I had a little Nate Bargatzi kind of pause.

00:32:49.000 Is this what we're doing here?

00:32:53.000 Anyway.

00:32:56.000 Lewis.

00:32:57.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:58.000 So when I got in trouble for that, I was thinking, I'm from a different kind of New York.

00:33:01.000 I moved here in the 90s.

00:33:03.000 And I remember Joe Coleman biting the head off a mouse.

00:33:06.000 And he had dynamite all over him, firecracker, sorry.

00:33:11.000 And I remember Gigi Allen coming to town.

00:33:13.000 That was the guy who did the Joker.

00:33:14.000 His first movie was a documentary on Gig Allen.

00:33:16.000 Gig Allen used to throw feces into the crowd and stuff. 0.62

00:33:18.000 Like when we had the Vice 10-year anniversary in 2004, I was dressed as a Nazi skinhead, and we had Japanese puke porn playing on the wall, and we were midget tossing. 0.93

00:33:26.000 We had midgets we were throwing.

00:33:29.000 It was declared illegal months after that party.

00:33:32.000 So that's my sort of context.

00:33:34.000 And what I see now, and I'm realizing, Clown World is gray.

00:33:39.000 They want gray.

00:33:40.000 Did you see that?

00:33:41.000 Paul Joseph Watson was talking about this.

00:33:46.000 That's a soundbite.

00:33:47.000 We don't do sound bites.

00:33:50.000 Yeah, this is number 29.

00:33:53.000 Clown World.

00:33:54.000 This just won the Architecture Award.

00:33:57.000 Wow.

00:33:59.000 It's a Russian interrogation room for spies. 0.84

00:34:04.000 Like, what the hell is happening to Clown World? 0.81

00:34:07.000 Great.

00:34:08.000 You'd think Clowns would be a little more colorful.

00:34:11.000 And I was checking in on Luis J. Gomez, the guy who challenged me that comedy off.

00:34:16.000 And I thought, comedy's not dead.

00:34:19.000 Like, he reminds me of the dangerous old New York, the scary New York, the sort of pre-Juliani New York where you'd get mugged in Times Square.

00:34:28.000 And the art used to reflect that.

00:34:30.000 And comedy is art.

00:34:31.000 And the way these guys behave, like Ari Shafir here at Legion of Skanks, this is him dosing Luis J. Gomez.

00:34:39.000 I think this might be a joke.

00:34:41.000 It's a candy or something.

00:34:42.000 But the thing they're lampooning is when Ari dosed with, was it MDMA or acid?

00:34:49.000 I thought it was Molly.

00:34:50.000 Molly?

00:34:51.000 Okay, so ecstasy.

00:34:52.000 He gave MDMA to Burt Kreischer, the guy who always has his shirt off.

00:35:02.000 Isn't that intense?

00:35:03.000 Yeah.

00:35:03.000 Now, I'm talking about how I like, you know, danger and stuff in art, but that's too much for me.

00:35:10.000 That is, I consider dosing someone, especially LSD.

00:35:14.000 That is like rape and kidnapping at the same time.

00:35:17.000 Because you're taking them away on a journey.

00:35:19.000 I'm glad I did ACID as a young man.

00:35:22.000 So is Steve Jobs.

00:35:24.000 So was the man behind the DNA, the guy who taught us how to sequence DNA.

00:35:31.000 He's really happy he did ACID.

00:35:33.000 But that's when I was a little kid and had zero problems.

00:35:36.000 Now I got friends in prison.

00:35:38.000 I got lawsuits.

00:35:39.000 I got tax.

00:35:40.000 I got three kids.

00:35:41.000 I'm worried about them all the time.

00:35:43.000 Stress, constant stress. 1.00

00:35:45.000 There's so much shit I could bad trip on that if you were to dose me, I mean, that's like, I would stab you. 1.00

00:35:51.000 I would cut your mother's ear. 1.00

00:35:53.000 Just like a little slit from behind. 1.00

00:35:55.000 I'd run up and just with a butterfly knife and she'd be like, ah, f. 1.00

00:36:00.000 And she'd be traumatized.

00:36:01.000 That's for getting off easy, though.

00:36:02.000 It's, it's.

00:36:03.000 You need to live your day out.

00:36:05.000 Maybe people who haven't done drugs don't realize how consequential that is.

00:36:08.000 A bad trip is hell.

00:36:10.000 Your brain comes up with the worst possible scenario.

00:36:13.000 Actually, you kind of get it from the horrors.

00:36:16.000 You know what that reminds me of?

00:36:17.000 That's pretty bad because you know everything's real.

00:36:19.000 When you're on acid, at least you could be like, this is acid.

00:36:23.000 Yeah.

00:36:23.000 Sometimes.

00:36:24.000 Someone emailed me something about the horrors.

00:36:26.000 Yeah, that was the thing where your body...

00:36:32.000 From James.

00:36:35.000 The phenomenon of waking up at 4 a.m. afternoon of drinking wide awake with terrifying thoughts running through your mind.

00:36:40.000 However, you incorrectly attribute this experience to the effects of dehydration in the liver robbing the brain of water in order to remove toxins from the body.

00:36:49.000 That is a true thing, and I've talked to doctors about this extensively, that your hangover is your liver borrowing brain water because it ran out of water here to clean your blood.

00:37:00.000 But he's saying that's not why you get woken up with the horrors.

00:37:03.000 That's a separate thing.

00:37:07.000 Two chemicals in your brain responsible for sleep and wakefulness are GABA, GABA, and glutamate.

00:37:14.000 GABA causes relaxation and promotes sleep.

00:37:18.000 Glutamate is an excitatory neurotransmitter that promotes wakefulness, but also causes anxiety in large amounts.

00:37:29.000 Alcohol mimics GABA in the brain.

00:37:31.000 It also blocks glutamate.

00:37:33.000 This is why you feel relaxed, tired, and less anxious when you drink.

00:37:37.000 However, your brain says, uh-oh, something's wrong here.

00:37:40.000 Too much GABA, right?

00:37:41.000 That's the sedative.

00:37:43.000 We're out of balance.

00:37:43.000 We need to shut down GABA production and start really pumping out glutamate.

00:37:48.000 So for the first few of the night, the alcohol wins, but then the last of the alcohol is metabolized, and you can no longer ignore this flood of glutamate.

00:38:00.000 So your brain flips on like a switch, and you are wide awake wondering if you remembered to lock the front door.

00:38:06.000 As a fellow alcoholic, I hope one day medical science will find a cure for the scourge of the horrors.

00:38:14.000 Speaking.

00:38:17.000 Spooky.

00:38:18.000 Wow, we really got off topic here, didn't we?

00:38:22.000 I wanted to get back to the bar, because there was this one guy.

00:38:24.000 Uh...

00:38:26.000 Um, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b... 0.87

00:38:31.000 Yeah, I was talking to this barmaid, and she was saying that her baby daddy just got married, and she always had it in the back of her head that maybe he's going to come back and be a father to her daughter, but that's not happening.

00:38:43.000 And I was...

00:38:53.000 They're going to get divorced anyway. 1.00

00:38:55.000 He was never going to be a dad.

00:38:56.000 He's not worth it.

00:38:57.000 You can do better, girl.

00:38:59.000 It leaks into Their politics and the way they vote, the way they handle everything.

00:39:03.000 And it's a natural tendency.

00:39:04.000 Women have the optimism gene. 1.00

00:39:06.000 They're born more agreeable than men.

00:39:08.000 And they say, Hey, Jimmy, you drew a really cool picture there.

00:39:13.000 Whereas we build businesses and stuff, and our fear is that we're going to be wasting your time.

00:39:18.000 So we go, They're never going to buy that.

00:39:20.000 We don't want it.

00:39:21.000 Move along.

00:39:22.000 It's like with bums. 0.99

00:39:23.000 We just, hey, man, can you, no?

00:39:25.000 Okay.

00:39:28.000 So I first started being agreeable with her, and I realized I'm becoming a woman because I'm trying to ingratiate myself with her.

00:39:37.000 Like I'm trying to be popular, basically.

00:39:40.000 So I started saying, oh, they're going to get divorced and blah, blah, blah.

00:39:42.000 And then I said, he made a bad investment. 1.00

00:39:47.000 He's a loser. 1.00

00:39:49.000 The reason he was a junkie for so long is because he has a weak personality. 1.00

00:39:54.000 And you wasted all your time thinking about him.

00:39:57.000 Now you have a beautiful daughter.

00:39:58.000 She has some unfortunate genes. 0.82

00:40:01.000 But otherwise, you just got to move forward and block him out of your mind.

00:40:04.000 It's a waste of time to think about.

00:40:06.000 I felt better like that, but I was no longer a fun person to talk to.

00:40:12.000 Got to get real.

00:40:13.000 And being good at it, if you will. 0.98

00:40:15.000 And then I met this guy who got fucking, he had PTSD basically from his divorce. 0.99

00:40:23.000 He was twitching. 0.99

00:40:25.000 And I said, you're like a Vietnam vet. 0.52

00:40:26.000 And he goes, my dad's a Vietnam vet, but he's dating this woman. 1.00

00:40:30.000 So the high school that they used to live there in the South Bronx is a disgusting shithole that sucks. 0.99

00:40:37.000 But there's a really good one. 0.96

00:40:38.000 Maybe it was Bronx Science down the street, but they don't live there.

00:40:42.000 So she says, why don't you get a tiny, tiny little studio apartment and rent it so then we can be in the school district, right? 0.65

00:40:50.000 We'll make that your address.

00:40:51.000 And then he can go to the good school.

00:40:53.000 And he goes, okay, whatever.

00:40:55.000 So he buys it.

00:40:56.000 It just sits there.

00:40:57.000 And then she goes, you know what I just read?

00:40:59.000 They will do, they bust into these places to make sure you're living there.

00:41:02.000 You can go to jail. 1.00

00:41:04.000 And he goes, oh, shit. 1.00

00:41:05.000 So he goes to IKEA and buys some cutlery and a shitty bed. 1.00

00:41:09.000 And she goes, you should probably stay there a few nights a week.

00:41:12.000 And he goes, oh, okay.

00:41:13.000 Okay.

00:41:14.000 Works in sanitation.

00:41:15.000 A simple man.

00:41:16.000 A simple kind of man. 1.00

00:41:22.000 Shit, I totally forgot about the Lewis thing. 0.99

00:41:24.000 I'm all over the place today, but we'll get back to that. 0.99

00:41:28.000 And he said they kept pushing the time that he spent there.

00:41:34.000 And then the boy wanted to stay there some nights.

00:41:36.000 So he'd stay there sometimes the whole week.

00:41:38.000 Meanwhile, this was all her divorce attorney's plan to get him out of the house.

00:41:44.000 Wowie.

00:41:45.000 She had been partying.

00:41:46.000 Divorce is contagious, just like suicide.

00:41:48.000 These things happen in groups.

00:41:51.000 And her friends were out partying and getting tons of money. 1.00

00:41:54.000 Oh my God, I get half his fucking salary. 1.00

00:41:57.000 And they're having a gay old time. 1.00

00:42:00.000 And you should do it too. 1.00

00:42:01.000 And if you don't want to fuck him anymore, you don't have to. 1.00

00:42:04.000 God, he's so gross and fat. 1.00

00:42:05.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:42:06.000 So she starts partying with them. 1.00

00:42:08.000 They come up with this plan.

00:42:09.000 The divorce attorney sets it up.

00:42:11.000 And then when she files for divorce, she just goes, he left us.

00:42:15.000 I mean, he's got his own apartment.

00:42:17.000 Oh, my gosh.

00:42:18.000 Kids won't speak to him.

00:42:19.000 They're estranged.

00:42:20.000 He texts them all the time.

00:42:21.000 Sometimes the daughter will text him back.

00:42:23.000 I might start crying if I talk about this too much.

00:42:25.000 It's terrible.

00:42:26.000 The son hates him, not speaking to him.

00:42:29.000 She's just poisoned them against him.

00:42:32.000 And so his alimony child support is more than half of his salary.

00:42:39.000 So what he does is he works four days a week sanitation, 12-hour days, and then he works three days a week, we're now up to seven, driving a taxi around.

00:42:48.000 Oh.

00:42:50.000 That's a horror story.

00:42:53.000 Well, that goes back to the Lewis thing, where when you're this age, someone's dosing you.

00:42:58.000 That's pretty darn intense.

00:43:01.000 I mean, I can't handle it.

00:43:02.000 But that's what comedy in New York City should be.

00:43:05.000 It should ostracize old men like me with three kids.

00:43:09.000 I should be shocked.

00:43:09.000 I'm shocked.

00:43:10.000 I'm triggered.

00:43:10.000 I'm offended.

00:43:11.000 It should make me feel like a snowflake. 1.00

00:43:13.000 So much of it is just Trump sucks. 1.00

00:43:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:16.000 You just transform somebody's brain into a torture chamber, potentially.

00:43:20.000 Yeah, that's Gigi Allen.

00:43:22.000 Pretty personal. 0.93

00:43:22.000 That's biting the head off a rat. 0.93

00:43:26.000 Turning you into a rat and biting your head off. 0.99

00:43:29.000 But look at, you know what else he did? 0.99

00:43:31.000 This is 2-3.

00:43:33.000 He blew on stage.

00:43:35.000 Now, folks, this is not, I should warn you, we don't show porn on this network. 0.99

00:43:40.000 This is not a real penis. 0.97

00:43:42.000 But if you go to actually 2-4, so that's that time Robert College's Orally Pleasure by Another Comedian Live on Stage, right? 0.98

00:43:49.000 Go to the next one.

00:43:52.000 They show it.

00:43:53.000 This is it.

00:43:56.000 No volume, thankfully.

00:44:00.000 That's not real.

00:44:01.000 I would hope the volume would be like boo if there was.

00:44:04.000 Or just silence.

00:44:06.000 You hear like a little bit of cutlery of a fork or something.

00:44:09.000 You hear like, ooh.

00:44:12.000 Maybe a phone ring.

00:44:15.000 So when I saw that, I sent it to Kumia, Anthony Kumia, and I go, is the envelope getting pushed a little too far? 0.87

00:44:24.000 And he texts me back something like, what the fuck did I just see? 0.68

00:44:28.000 And then it took like a week to find out that it was a prosthetic. 0.99

00:44:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:44:31.000 And it was just a joke.

00:44:33.000 Again, I'm offended.

00:44:35.000 I'm triggered.

00:44:36.000 That's too intense. 1.00

00:44:36.000 Meanwhile, I'm kicked off the stage for pulling my dick out in a relevant context. 1.00

00:44:43.000 But yeah, this, the Legion of Skanks gives me hope because these guys have balls. 0.99

00:44:48.000 Lewis started a big war with Nicole Arbour in Toronto where they were on some podcast. 0.54

00:44:56.000 And she talked about, oh, yeah, I'm a comedian.

00:44:58.000 And they go, aren't you just like a YouTuber and Instagrammer?

00:45:00.000 No, I did that on the side.

00:45:02.000 I mostly stand-up.

00:45:03.000 She doesn't really do stand-up.

00:45:05.000 And he just totally humiliated her.

00:45:08.000 And that started a whole war with their fans. 1.00

00:45:10.000 Fun shit like that. 0.99

00:45:12.000 So I thought I would give you some good news about the war on comedy and say that there's still some good shit going on. 0.99

00:45:21.000 And then Dave Chappelle, who, by the way, has just been, he's just a gift from God. 0.96

00:45:28.000 He said, Well, you can hear it.

00:45:30.000 Play it.

00:45:31.000 Political correctness has its face, its place.

00:45:34.000 Excuse me.

00:45:35.000 We all want to live in a polite society.

00:45:37.000 We just have to kind of work on the levels and come to an agreement of what that actually looks like.

00:45:41.000 I personally am not afraid of other people's freedom of expression.

00:45:44.000 I don't use it as a weapon.

00:45:46.000 It just makes me feel better.

00:45:47.000 And I'm sorry if I hurt anybody, etc., etc., yada, yada, yada.

00:45:50.000 Everything I'm supposed to say.

00:45:55.000 Everything I'm supposed to say.

00:45:57.000 He also said that he likes the Second Amendment.

00:45:59.000 And he goes, the Second Amendment is there in case someone ignores the first.

00:46:03.000 He also said that the First Amendment is first for a reason.

00:46:10.000 Triple whammy.

00:46:14.000 All right.

00:46:18.000 So, yeah, I had a bunch of examples of talking to people at that bar.

00:46:24.000 I wish the story of that guy who got screwed over in the divorce and can't see his kids.

00:46:28.000 Why isn't that on the news? 0.99

00:46:30.000 We hear so much crap on the news. 0.99

00:46:33.000 Racity, race, race, race, all this made-up jargon. 1.00

00:46:36.000 There was one article I was reading that was such utter crap. 0.99

00:46:40.000 1-5. 0.99

00:46:42.000 You know the show Fresh Off the Boat?

00:46:44.000 A little Chinese kid on it. 1.00

00:46:46.000 Well, his dad is this raging pussy who uses all this stupid trigger snowflake crap to bitch about society and talk about how Trump's America, white supremacy, blah, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:47:00.000 So he calls it an insidious validation of the white male resentment that helped bring President Donald Trump to power. 1.00

00:47:09.000 So click on the actual CNN link, but he says, while many viewers have focused on Fleck as an incel hero, his status as sexless loner who turns to violence, the true nature of the movie's appeal, is actually broader.

00:47:22.000 And then it's the insidious validation of white male resentment that helped bring Donald Trump to power.

00:47:30.000 Joker at its core is the story of the forgotten man, the metaphoric displaced and disenfranchised white man whose goodwill has been abused and whose status has been reduced.

00:47:40.000 A man who has been crushed underfoot by the elite, dragged down by equality, damage-demanding feminists, and climbed over by upstart, non-white and immigrant masses. 0.98

00:47:49.000 This old trope.

00:47:52.000 That's got nothing.

00:47:53.000 That's not what the Joker's about.

00:47:54.000 The Joker's about the war on masculinity in general, the war on men in general. 0.99

00:47:58.000 His girlfriend's black. 1.00

00:48:00.000 Racity, racist. 1.00

00:48:01.000 I don't want to see any more of this. 0.96

00:48:03.000 It's so tedious.

00:48:04.000 I want to see an article about men who get screwed over in divorce.

00:48:09.000 I've never seen one.

00:48:11.000 I want to hear a bunch of bum deals, and I want them all to be blue-collar.

00:48:14.000 And they show the guy, the sanitation guy, ending his shift, taking out, he's been lifting fridges into a truck all day, and then show him driving his taxi.

00:48:21.000 Yeah, I wish my daughter still talks to me sometimes, but I call them every two days, and I buy them birthday presents.

00:48:31.000 I mean, you stole someone's children.

00:48:33.000 That's every man's worst nightmare.

00:48:36.000 I mean, if you're dead to your children, it's like your children are dying.

00:48:41.000 That's consequential.

00:48:43.000 And that affects, I don't know, a third of the country.

00:48:46.000 We're still at roughly a 50% divorce rate. 0.97

00:48:49.000 And I'm going to assume that men get screwed most of the time. 0.97

00:48:52.000 We know they get screwed with custody. 0.99

00:48:55.000 I mean, your dad sure got screwed with custody. 0.52

00:48:58.000 Luckily, he didn't want you, so it wasn't an issue.

00:49:01.000 He sent some money, but then I told him to stop eventually.

00:49:05.000 Around 18.

00:49:06.000 Told him to stop.

00:49:07.000 How much would he send?

00:49:08.000 I got...

00:49:15.000 So it was a substantial amount.

00:49:17.000 Enough to give me $200.

00:49:19.000 $200 a month, but your mom would take like $120, $130, so $70 a month? 1.00

00:49:25.000 No, no, no.

00:49:26.000 I would get like $130 to $200.

00:49:29.000 So she would take the rest of it.

00:49:31.000 $130.

00:49:32.000 It's probably a couple hundred a month.

00:49:34.000 $130 times.

00:49:36.000 So you got $1,500 a year.

00:49:39.000 That's not a lot of money, my friend.

00:49:42.000 No.

00:49:42.000 You got gypped.

00:49:44.000 Abuse. 0.52

00:49:45.000 You see these abused men?

00:49:47.000 They take it?

00:49:48.000 I'm sorry I have so much bar talk, but it's relevant to this green screen video. 0.99

00:49:53.000 Then this guy comes in, and he was saying the most Islamophobic shit I've ever heard in my life. 0.85

00:49:59.000 In fact, it was so much that I assumed he was a cop trying to get me to say something like Project Veritas me. 1.00

00:50:06.000 Because he comes in and he goes, I fucking hate Muslims. 1.00

00:50:09.000 Like right out of the blue. 1.00

00:50:11.000 You know what we got to do is nuke Mecca, but we don't have the balls to do it. 1.00

00:50:15.000 He goes, I could kill every single one of them right now and just sit here and finish my beer. 0.99

00:50:20.000 He was well-dressed. 0.98

00:50:21.000 He looked middle class.

00:50:23.000 Isn't that bizarre?

00:50:24.000 Yeah.

00:50:25.000 And so I was laughing because it was absurd. 0.99

00:50:27.000 I would laugh the way if someone came in and said they want to kill all the albinos. 1.00

00:50:30.000 I would laugh and I'd say, why are you gay? 1.00

00:50:33.000 But I was very careful about what I said because I didn't trust him. 0.84

00:50:37.000 And then I said to the bartender, does this guy check out?

00:50:39.000 And he goes, yeah, yeah.

00:50:40.000 He comes in here all the time.

00:50:42.000 All right, because that was cartoonish.

00:50:45.000 That was cartoonish Islamophobia.

00:50:50.000 And then some other guy comes in and he's sitting down and he goes, hey, Gavin McInnes.

00:50:55.000 Hey, he's talking about guns.

00:50:57.000 And I think, this guy seems like a cop too.

00:51:00.000 He wants me to say I have a gun or something.

00:51:04.000 It was a very, but I checked in with him and he checked out too.

00:51:07.000 Anyway, it was a weird day.

00:51:08.000 But the reason I bring this up is because I've noticed when I hang out, my audience, audience, my, the people that I enjoy being around tend not to be intellectuals.

00:51:19.000 And I know some smart people and I like them.

00:51:21.000 Ann Coulter is incredibly stimulating to have dinner with.

00:51:24.000 But for the most part, they're too low-T, not Anne.

00:51:29.000 So I tend to like blue-collar, lower-middle-class type of people.

00:51:34.000 Because we can joke more.

00:51:35.000 And that's, I tend also to sort of gravitate towards blacks when we're at a kid's party.

00:51:42.000 Because the male dads, I think I told you this story before.

00:51:45.000 We went to see Big Hero 6 at a birthday party.

00:51:47.000 It was projected on a wall.

00:51:49.000 This is back when I lived in Williamsburg.

00:51:51.000 And the dads were so excited about the movie and couldn't wait to sit with their son and watch the movie at the birthday party.

00:52:00.000 you're not invited to the birthday party, dude.

00:52:02.000 And they all had kookie socks: orange, striped. 0.96

00:52:06.000 I guess J. Crew was selling kooky socks that year.

00:52:09.000 Ugh.

00:52:10.000 And if there's one thing that's great about a birthday party, he's not your responsibility at all.

00:52:14.000 You just drop him off.

00:52:16.000 You could go shoot heroin in your eyes, as long as you're okay to drive when the party's over.

00:52:21.000 And you want him to play with his friends. 0.61

00:52:23.000 You don't want a helicopter around him.

00:52:26.000 So I go over to the, they had a little table set up with wine.

00:52:29.000 No beer, just wine.

00:52:31.000 This is Brooklyn. 0.99

00:52:33.000 And the only guys that aren't sitting with their sons are the two black guys. 0.84

00:52:36.000 And we get along great. 0.97

00:52:38.000 This is before the media had convinced everyone that I'm a Nazi. 0.91

00:52:42.000 Although that guy, one of those guys contacted me after all this shit and he said, man, if I can do anything, I was like, yeah, let's take a picture together and I'll put it on t-shirts. 0.95

00:52:51.000 Publicity stunt. 0.83

00:52:53.000 Yeah.

00:52:54.000 But he gave me a great tip at that party.

00:52:56.000 You know what it is?

00:52:58.000 You get a box, a really nice box.

00:53:00.000 Ideally, it locks, but doesn't have to if your kids aren't too nosy.

00:53:04.000 And that's your sex box.

00:53:06.000 So you know what's in there? 0.98

00:53:08.000 Should be big. 0.97

00:53:09.000 High-heel shoes, lingerie, sex toys.

00:53:14.000 That's all in the box. 0.96

00:53:16.000 So then when it's time to do something kinky with your wife, you pull out the box.

00:53:21.000 It's the best advice I've ever received in a marriage.

00:53:24.000 Or else like, can you put on lingerie?

00:53:24.000 That's good.

00:53:26.000 Oh, okay.

00:53:27.000 Well, I think I have one of the stockings here.

00:53:30.000 Where's the other one?

00:53:31.000 Maybe it's in the laundry.

00:53:32.000 And then it's like, forget it.

00:53:34.000 But this is like the box.

00:53:35.000 You got to lock that thing up.

00:53:37.000 And you don't have to say, want to have sex.

00:53:43.000 You just pull out the box. 0.65

00:53:45.000 You think I got to lock it up?

00:53:46.000 Yeah.

00:53:47.000 I don't see my kids snooping around.

00:53:48.000 That's a gold mine.

00:53:49.000 And I'm not ashamed of what's in there.

00:53:51.000 There's no like double dongs or anything.

00:53:53.000 It's just lingering.

00:53:55.000 It's got that lube smell.

00:53:57.000 No, there's no lube involved.

00:53:58.000 Okay.

00:54:00.000 Anyway, so yeah. 0.96

00:54:02.000 We're playing quick draw in there, and I want to make fun of how stupid it is to play, but everyone is playing it. 0.91

00:54:08.000 So I have to sort of be politically correct with the working classes and say, yeah, well, I remember we played the other day. 0.97

00:54:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:54:16.000 I just was playing out of courtesy the other day, and I lost like 30 bucks playing this stupid game. 0.99

00:54:20.000 Which brings me to... 0.96

00:54:26.000 10 things I hate about my friends or 10 things I can't say around my friends.

00:54:32.000 10 things I can't criticize?

00:54:34.000 *music*

00:54:41.000 10 things I can't make fun of because my friends do them.

00:54:45.000 I don't know who I'm supposed to be hanging out with, but the people that I hang out with, I guess it tends to be more working class, more high T. Maybe that's what defines who you hang out with. 0.98

00:54:58.000 Like, people say it's IQ. 0.99

00:55:00.000 I have a pretty high IQ, but I don't really like intellectuals because they're pussies. 1.00

00:55:04.000 I like horny alpha guys who tell offensive jokes. 0.99

00:55:09.000 So I guess that ends up pairing me with working class people.

00:55:12.000 Although not everyone in this list is working class anyway, I shouldn't be pontificating in an important list like this.

00:55:17.000 Here are the 10 things I can't make fun of because my friends do them.

00:55:20.000 Number one, flip-flops.

00:55:24.000 I'd love to sit and bitch about flip-flops to my friend Mike, but he's wearing them.

00:55:28.000 Now there's a million reasons why flip-flops are wrong. 0.71

00:55:31.000 What if someone slaps your girl is the common refrain.

00:55:34.000 That might even be worth a t-shirt.

00:55:35.000 Yeah, what if someone slaps your girl? 0.99

00:55:37.000 And then it's a pair of flip-flops crossed out.

00:55:40.000 You see these fights in the street where someone's protecting themselves?

00:55:43.000 Your job as a dude is to be on guard.

00:55:46.000 You're working security, whether you're walking with your wife and kids or your girlfriend, you're a security guard.

00:55:51.000 And you should keep your hands up and be ready for something bad to happen, especially in a big city like New York or a horrible, dangerous city like D.C. You got to be on your guard, especially on the subway with all the loonies.

00:56:02.000 And if you have flip-flops on, then while you're fighting, your toe is coming out, then it's gone.

00:56:07.000 And now you're running around in your bare feet fighting guys.

00:56:10.000 What?

00:56:11.000 Ugh. 1.00

00:56:12.000 And no one wants to look at your fucking toes, dude. 1.00

00:56:16.000 I am so happy we're now approaching November because the summer in New York is, maybe it's gays, I don't know, but guys wearing suits with flip-flops. 1.00

00:56:26.000 They're everywhere, just men's toes. 0.99

00:56:28.000 One time I was at a bar, 2A, it's called, and there were some millennials there.

00:56:33.000 And it was the upstairs part.

00:56:34.000 They had these sort of couches with these low-slung tables.

00:56:38.000 And this guy has his flip-flop foot on.

00:56:42.000 He removes it.

00:56:44.000 And then he just sort of rests his toes on one of the bars of the low table like a little monkey man.

00:56:51.000 Jesus Lord. 1.00

00:56:53.000 And I wish I could sit here and bond with my bros, but half the time when I'm trying to do that, they're wearing those horrible fucking shoes, especially you Australians. 1.00

00:57:03.000 Number two, allowing women to drive. 1.00

00:57:06.000 I am pro-Sharia law when it comes to women driving. 1.00

00:57:08.000 I can't imagine sitting in the passenger seat, but I have these friends in New York who grew up in the Bronx and Manhattan, and they never driven a car before.

00:57:17.000 So they marry a woman who's from the Midwest, and she's like, I drove every day.

00:57:22.000 So he goes, well, it's probably safer if you do it then.

00:57:24.000 So some woman is deciding like where to turn and stuff as he, what, checks Instagram? 1.00

00:57:30.000 That just feels weird to me.

00:57:32.000 And women can't drive. 1.00

00:57:34.000 I'm sorry, maybe a couple of lesbians can. 1.00

00:57:36.000 I knew a guy in Costa Rica who rented ATVs and he would never rent a woman unless they were lesbians. 0.99

00:57:43.000 And this is a guy whose bottom line is money, and it's just too expensive to let women drive those things. 0.99

00:57:48.000 But I'm just relaying a story here.

00:57:50.000 Don't shoot the messenger.

00:57:53.000 But women always go slow in the fast lane. 1.00

00:57:56.000 And every time, the few times my wife has driven, I'll just see people passing us in the slow lane.

00:58:01.000 You're supposed to feel shame when that happens.

00:58:04.000 You're supposed to go, oh, Jesus, sorry, and get into the slow lane as soon as possible.

00:58:07.000 Women just, oh, cars are passing me. 1.00

00:58:09.000 Keep on going.

00:58:12.000 Number three, scratch-offs.

00:58:15.000 I'm dying to make fun of scratch-offs.

00:58:17.000 In fact, that kind of started this whole idea for this green screen because way back when I first moved to New York, I would go to this local bodega to buy my Budweisers.

00:58:28.000 And the bodega owner Goes, can I interest you in a scratch-off today, sir?

00:58:33.000 And I go, no, thanks. 0.99

00:58:35.000 I don't pay stupid tax. 1.00

00:58:37.000 And I was because it's owned by the state, these stupid fucking scratch offs, you're not going to win. 1.00

00:58:43.000 You have a dysfunction in your mind called selective memory. 1.00

00:58:48.000 If you think you're good at blackjack, you have selective memory.

00:58:51.000 You're remembering, cherry-picking that one time you won, and you're forgetting all the times you lost.

00:58:57.000 The house always wins.

00:58:59.000 The state always wins.

00:59:01.000 You're not going to win.

00:59:02.000 Yes, I know you won $18 three days ago. 0.99

00:59:05.000 You spent about $70 trying to recreate that moment with your fucking quick draws. 0.98

00:59:11.000 So there's two things here. 0.99

00:59:12.000 At the blue-collar bars, quick draws are huge.

00:59:16.000 And they print them out.

00:59:17.000 And, oh, I got 17.

00:59:18.000 Oh, I got 48.

00:59:19.000 What are we?

00:59:20.000 Old Chinese ladies playing Mahjong? 0.97

00:59:22.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:59:24.000 And then the scratch-offs, I'd love to bitch about the stupid tax, but everyone at my boxing gym always is scratching away. 0.99

00:59:31.000 You go downstairs to try to buy a Gatorade or something. 0.99

00:59:34.000 There's a lineup of people buying Scratch-Offs. 1.00

00:59:36.000 And I just want to say, you're paying your stupid taxes. 1.00

00:59:39.000 You're paying your stupid tax. 1.00

00:59:40.000 You're paying your stupid tax. 1.00

00:59:41.000 I'm actually venting right now because I can't normally do this. 1.00

00:59:44.000 Because pretty much, I would say 50% of the people I speak to on a weekly basis play either Scratch Offs or Quick Draw or one of these other stupid. 0.99

00:59:53.000 Scratch Offs is more minorities, black people. 1.00

00:59:56.000 And Quick Draw is referred to at my local pub as white man crack. 0.98

01:00:02.000 Can't make fun of them. 0.95

01:00:04.000 Here's another thing that I'd love to make fun of when I go out and chat to people and bitch about life. 0.98

01:00:09.000 I fucking hate when people have two cell phones. 0.81

01:00:12.000 You have a work phone and a private phone, but I can't vocalize that because, oh, sorry, I forgot a part. 0.99

01:00:21.000 When I said that thing at the bodega, no stupid tax today, I look over and there's some black dude in a suit with a trench coat and he's got about seven and he's scratching them off and he sort of looks at me and I look at him like, oh, sorry. 0.98

01:00:34.000 You're going to win. 0.99

01:00:35.000 You'll win.

01:00:37.000 Other people are not going to win. 1.00

01:00:40.000 And that's what happened at this bar the other day when I was going, what kind of fucking idiot has two cell phones? 1.00

01:00:45.000 You can't program both email, personal and work email on the same phone. 1.00

01:00:50.000 If you're too busy, don't answer it.

01:00:53.000 You don't have to be a slave to a phone.

01:00:54.000 It's up to you whether you answer it or not.

01:00:57.000 What, you put it in a little safe on Friday night and then don't touch it?

01:01:00.000 That's my work phone.

01:01:00.000 You're not mature enough to suffer.

01:01:02.000 And then as I'm ranting, I look over and I see my buddy Tim going, it's just easier for me to sort through.

01:01:07.000 And I look down. 0.99

01:01:08.000 There's two fucking phones charging. 0.99

01:01:11.000 What? 0.99

01:01:15.000 Kids movies, number five. 0.99

01:01:19.000 Ryan, my trusty sidekick, is such a retarded loser that he goes to children's movies. 1.00

01:01:27.000 There's different tiers with this. 0.99

01:01:29.000 He's at the bottom and he goes to like Aladdin and stuff.

01:01:32.000 And you know that trailer where the nerd is watching the new Star Wars and he's going, oh, that's Ryan alone at a movie theater watching Aladdin going, oh, whoa.

01:01:43.000 He sits near the front.

01:01:45.000 Oh, he's flying.

01:01:46.000 Go get him.

01:01:47.000 You can do it.

01:01:48.000 Yay, Wal-E.

01:01:51.000 And then above that, but still irritating, is superhero movies.

01:01:56.000 And people are talking, yeah, that's pretty cool.

01:01:59.000 Well, actually, what happened?

01:02:00.000 And they discuss it intellectually.

01:02:02.000 Like, yeah, Thanos was actually trying to save the world because overpopula, blah, blah, blah.

01:02:06.000 So then what's happening with Black Panther? 0.90

01:02:08.000 Is he him and Captain America are going to fucking fly around? 0.97

01:02:10.000 What am I? 0.99

01:02:11.000 Eight years old?

01:02:13.000 And then worse than that is Star Wars. 0.99

01:02:15.000 Discussing, oh, did you hear the director is no longer working with fucking Lewis Gossett Jr. or whatever the fuck? 0.99

01:02:21.000 I don't care about a children's movie. 0.99

01:02:24.000 But I can't bitch about it to my friends, especially at the boxing gym, because more than one of them have Star Wars tattoos of the Millennium Falcon or something.

01:02:33.000 And they'll come into the gym and be like, did you see it last night? 0.65

01:02:37.000 Pretty crazy. 0.99

01:02:38.000 Fucking Darth Vader was flying or whatever. 0.99

01:02:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:02:43.000 My kids don't even like Star Wars movies.

01:02:45.000 You know why?

01:02:46.000 My children are too mature.

01:02:48.000 They didn't enjoy the last Star Wars.

01:02:50.000 They kept asking me to take them to go pee.

01:02:53.000 And I'd be there with my little six-year-old and maybe two drops would come out.

01:02:55.000 He was just trying to kill time.

01:02:57.000 So kids don't even like your kids' movies. 0.85

01:03:00.000 And superheroes were invented for loser eight-year-olds who were getting picked on because they are abnormally skinny and have lymphnoma or cystic fibrosis or hemophilia. 0.99

01:03:13.000 And that poor bastard goes at home and cries. 1.00

01:03:17.000 So a cathartic release for him is to flip through a book where the stupid loser Peter Parker ain't no loser after all. 1.00

01:03:24.000 He can swing and fly and shoot bad guys and get revenge, but he can't tell anyone how powerful he is. 0.99

01:03:31.000 And then he goes back to school and he's a mild-mannered kid that gets shoved. 0.99

01:03:34.000 It's a fantasy for losers. 0.99

01:03:36.000 You're an adult. 0.99

01:03:38.000 Is Biff shoving you at work and stealing your lunch money?

01:03:42.000 Oh, this is good to get off my chest.

01:03:46.000 Number six, speaking of kids, dating kids. 0.90

01:03:49.000 I think it's fucked up to be in a relationship with someone more than 10 years younger than you, but a lot of guys I know are doing it.

01:03:58.000 I have one guy, we'll call him Edward. 0.98

01:04:02.000 His wife is 40 years younger than him.

01:04:07.000 40 years.

01:04:09.000 And I was talking, we have a common friend.

01:04:13.000 This is hard because I don't want to be insulting him.

01:04:16.000 This is the whole problem.

01:04:17.000 Ann.

01:04:18.000 And I go, I hate when we go out to dinner and he sits me with the child.

01:04:23.000 I don't want to talk to a little kid.

01:04:24.000 And Anne goes, exactly. 1.00

01:04:26.000 I'm not fucking her. 0.99

01:04:27.000 She's not my problem. 1.00

01:04:29.000 Like, you can have, if the sex is great and your previous wife got too tired or not horny enough, whatever, that's none of my beeswax. 0.96

01:04:37.000 But just keep it at home. 0.97

01:04:38.000 Stop bringing them out and I have to sit there and go, hello, yes.

01:04:41.000 Oh, yeah, I know.

01:04:43.000 I hate that meme.

01:04:44.000 That's so boomer. 0.99

01:04:47.000 And you can tell that she's kind of frustrated because he never wants to go out because he's fucking old. 0.99

01:04:52.000 Anthony Kumia. 0.98

01:04:54.000 There's a guy right there.

01:04:55.000 His girlfriend is like eight years old. 0.99

01:04:56.000 I don't know how fucking old she is. 1.00

01:04:58.000 No, she's probably 29 or something. 0.99

01:05:00.000 But still, I'd love to bitch and moan and make fun of people with young girlfriends or young wives. 1.00

01:05:06.000 And I know, like, not 10, but at least four. 0.92

01:05:11.000 So I just have to go, oh, well, Sha-Kun Song-gu to each his own. 0.98

01:05:16.000 You can't pick who you love.

01:05:16.000 You never know.

01:05:18.000 What the fuck do they talk about? 0.97

01:05:21.000 And that brings us to number seven, another crime of Anthony Cumius, who I revere deeply. 0.99

01:05:27.000 I think he's a wonderful guy.

01:05:28.000 I think he's abnormally funny.

01:05:30.000 He's gifted, very quick and sharp, too.

01:05:34.000 Not unlike his sidekick, Artie Lang, who cocained himself to oblivion.

01:05:39.000 But video games.

01:05:42.000 Video games.

01:05:43.000 How do we get to a nation where men playing video games for maybe six, seven hours is just a thing to do? 0.99

01:05:52.000 And the arguments are pathetic. 0.98

01:05:54.000 It's actually like a movie. 0.99

01:05:56.000 You're just watching a movie.

01:05:58.000 A movie has a story, you turd.

01:06:00.000 There's no story.

01:06:01.000 Yeah, there is a story.

01:06:02.000 He's a cowboy and he's trying to get over there.

01:06:04.000 What?

01:06:05.000 That's not a parable.

01:06:07.000 There's no theme there.

01:06:08.000 There's no moral.

01:06:09.000 There's no less. 0.99

01:06:10.000 No, if you're a bad cowboy, you die faster. 1.00

01:06:12.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:06:14.000 Six hours. 1.00

01:06:15.000 And again, we're back to the super.

01:06:17.000 I'm Spider-Man.

01:06:18.000 I'm flying.

01:06:19.000 Go fix a chair.

01:06:21.000 Go be conducive to the Western world.

01:06:24.000 Go get in a relationship.

01:06:25.000 Go make babies. 0.98

01:06:26.000 Go get married.

01:06:28.000 I mean, I understand if you're 21, you still want to party.

01:06:31.000 Maybe you're hungover.

01:06:32.000 Ah.

01:06:33.000 Or I've had guys argue with me.

01:06:34.000 Oh, it's a great way to bomb with my son.

01:06:36.000 We play together.

01:06:37.000 I guess.

01:06:38.000 But the fact that grown men sit and talk about superheroes and video games and both being combined. 0.99

01:06:45.000 Shit, I can't watch a movie these days without there being a scene that is clearly designed to be a video game. 0.98

01:06:51.000 You've been fighting zombies for about 15 minutes now, and you keep going up a ladder and down a ladder and around a corner. 0.99

01:06:58.000 Are you building a video game while I'm trying to watch a story? 0.99

01:07:03.000 I've lost a lot of viewers on this subject, but I think the fact that men spend so much fucking time playing video games is one of the most pathetic characteristics of modern America. 0.99

01:07:16.000 I'm embarrassed on man's behalf. 0.99

01:07:20.000 Number eight.

01:07:22.000 This is a new one.

01:07:24.000 And it's more common with my younger people I work with or associate with.

01:07:30.000 Not really my good pals.

01:07:31.000 My good pals tend to be fat construction workers that day drink at happy hour. 1.00

01:07:37.000 But the younger guys don't know where the dollar sign goes.

01:07:41.000 And I've noticed they start to put it on the other side.

01:07:44.000 You know why?

01:07:45.000 Because education is so bad in this country that people are just illiterate.

01:07:52.000 Britain is really bad too, by the way.

01:07:54.000 But they'll write $8 and it goes $8 with the dollar sign after.

01:07:58.000 I've seen an ad, I think it was a tattoo parlor advertising a special.

01:08:02.000 Hey, $35 off.

01:08:04.000 Hey, with the dollar sign on the other side.

01:08:06.000 You know why they do that?

01:08:07.000 Because it's phonetic.

01:08:09.000 I've had dudes argue with me.

01:08:11.000 I've said, you are not at a first grade level of education if you put the dollar sign on the other side of the number.

01:08:19.000 And they go, I don't think so.

01:08:21.000 Like $8, $8, and then dollars.

01:08:25.000 Oh, okay.

01:08:26.000 Because something is slightly illogical in the English language, you're going to fix that.

01:08:31.000 Okay.

01:08:31.000 Interesting.

01:08:32.000 You just, how do you spell baloney?

01:08:34.000 B-A-L-O-N-E-Y? 1.00

01:08:36.000 Is that what you do now?

01:08:37.000 You just, those things, how they sound.

01:08:40.000 That's basically pidgin English.

01:08:42.000 You're speaking pidgin.

01:08:46.000 Number nine, and this goes back to education, voice texts.

01:08:50.000 I've noticed this with my phenomenally uneducated friends where I'll be texting, da-da-da. 0.83

01:08:54.000 I use commas, capital letters, spell things correctly.

01:08:58.000 I have respect for the English language.

01:09:00.000 Not only do I have the language at my disposal, but I also revere it and want to improve.

01:09:04.000 I have a friend who's a copy editor.

01:09:06.000 I'm constantly calling him.

01:09:07.000 Hey, is there a time you wouldn't use an Oxford comma?

01:09:10.000 Or what about, he's the guy who told me, don't use whom anymore. 0.99

01:09:14.000 It's an asshole word and it's being petered out because you sound pretentious. 0.99

01:09:20.000 I would also say the same of the word atrocious. 1.00

01:09:23.000 Please stop saying atrocious.

01:09:24.000 You sound like a Victorian school mom, and it's not your vocabulary.

01:09:28.000 You're not British, and you're not 130 years old. 1.00

01:09:31.000 But I'll be texting and then I'll get a text back and it's a voice note.

01:09:37.000 Or even worse, it's a voice to text thing where there's all these spaces where the computer tried to figure out what the hell he's talking about.

01:09:43.000 I don't understand you. 0.60

01:09:44.000 And sometimes I'm talking about really serious shit like big money or law lawyers and guys in prison and how is this going with this appeal? 0.76

01:09:53.000 Do they need evidence? 0.98

01:09:54.000 And oh, I got the new shark stock knit.

01:09:59.000 Men are in jail, dude.

01:10:00.000 Spend some time.

01:10:01.000 Tommy Robinson, bless his cotton socks.

01:10:04.000 I love the guy.

01:10:05.000 He never texts.

01:10:06.000 He'll send a video.

01:10:07.000 Go up, Mike.

01:10:08.000 Yeah, we're going to be doing that on Friday.

01:10:08.000 Yeah, I got your message.

01:10:10.000 So maybe you're mucking about, run about.

01:10:13.000 I'm like, I got to watch a movie now to communicate with you?

01:10:16.000 Just write it out.

01:10:20.000 Number 10.

01:10:21.000 And in all of these cases, it's something I'm dying to kvetch about, but I know I'm going to look across the bar and see people going, oh, not in every case.

01:10:32.000 Divorce.

01:10:34.000 You're driving the boat of marriage.

01:10:36.000 If it crashes, you're the captain.

01:10:38.000 You'll go down with the ship.

01:10:40.000 I always think, whenever I think of marriage, this is not very romantic, but I think of Cape Fear, where they're in that giant boat towards the end and Robert De Niro is like crawling out of the water and it's a crazy hurricane.

01:10:52.000 They're trying to kill him and stuff.

01:10:53.000 That's marriage. 0.92

01:10:54.000 You've got to guide the ship.

01:10:56.000 Yes, it crashes sometimes.

01:10:57.000 There's ups and downs.

01:10:58.000 It's dangerous, but you're in control. 1.00

01:11:01.000 So when you get divorced, the excuses I keep hearing are just pathetic. 0.99

01:11:05.000 There's a lot of, oh, we just fell out of love. 0.99

01:11:08.000 You know what happened?

01:11:09.000 No, it doesn't happen.

01:11:10.000 She doesn't have to be your soulmate. 1.00

01:11:12.000 You fucked up. 1.00

01:11:14.000 And every time someone talks about divorce, they talk about themselves and what they're going through. 1.00

01:11:19.000 Maybe they mentioned the spouse.

01:11:21.000 They never mentioned the kids.

01:11:22.000 That's who it's hard on.

01:11:23.000 That's why my generation, Generation X, has totally abandoned marriage because we're traumatized by divorce.

01:11:29.000 My parents Stayed together.

01:11:30.000 My wife's parents stayed together.

01:11:31.000 Thank God. 1.00

01:11:32.000 You can have a bad year, you pussies. 1.00

01:11:35.000 And the worst divorce, and I'm happy to get this out. 1.00

01:11:38.000 And I know a guy like this.

01:11:39.000 I hope he's not watching.

01:11:41.000 But getting divorced when you have a one-year-old?

01:11:44.000 You're not getting enough BJs.

01:11:44.000 What was the issue here?

01:11:46.000 She wasn't sexy enough. 1.00

01:11:47.000 She wasn't wearing lingerie enough at bedtime.

01:11:50.000 What?

01:11:50.000 You have a newborn.

01:11:51.000 It's like moving to China.

01:11:52.000 You got to learn Chinese. 1.00

01:11:53.000 It's a pain in the ass. 1.00

01:11:54.000 It's like starting a business. 0.99

01:11:56.000 A business, there's two, the first two years, you don't make a dime.

01:11:59.000 And you're sitting there in this marriage going, this is kind of lame.

01:12:02.000 I'm out. 1.00

01:12:03.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:12:04.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:12:15.000 I should probably clarify that when you fucked up with divorce, I had just talked about that poor son of a bitch who was basically forced into divorce and lost his children. 1.00

01:12:27.000 I'm not calling him a fuck up. 1.00

01:12:30.000 I guess I was. 0.99

01:12:31.000 It wasn't a divorce.

01:12:32.000 was a divorce um Yeah, maybe I got to hone that divorce one a bit.

01:12:42.000 I don't really know.

01:12:43.000 I don't, like, it's a strange thing.

01:12:45.000 You're not an expert on divorce.

01:12:48.000 A lot of my friends are getting divorced right now.

01:12:49.000 I'm at that age where a lot of us have been married for 10 years.

01:12:54.000 And I kind of resent them when they tell me.

01:12:56.000 And then they go, should I be in a loveless marriage?

01:12:58.000 We haven't had sex in two years. 0.99

01:13:00.000 And I go, yeah, that's a long fucking time to not have sex. 0.99

01:13:03.000 But it's not your fault? 1.00

01:13:06.000 Like, but then, what, you're a big tit guy and you married someone with small tits? 1.00

01:13:10.000 Well, why'd you do that? 1.00

01:13:11.000 You know what I mean?

01:13:12.000 Like, Louis C.K. got divorced.

01:13:14.000 And I remember I knew people that knew him and they said, yeah, she's a crazy bitch, though. 1.00

01:13:18.000 She's a nightmare. 1.00

01:13:19.000 And I go, okay, well, why'd you marry a crazy bitch? 1.00

01:13:22.000 Oh, we had this fight a bunch, remember? 1.00

01:13:24.000 Where you said they can go crazy.

01:13:26.000 Absolutely.

01:13:28.000 They can hide the crazy.

01:13:30.000 You seemed smarter back then.

01:13:31.000 Maybe the Whatchamadoodles is...

01:13:36.000 The lime.

01:13:36.000 I think I want to get to...

01:13:39.000 I want to get to the mailbag, but we should...

01:13:48.000 This was this awesome video. 0.99

01:13:51.000 One, two, Jimmy Kimmel, Jumble Kimmel, wants to show us what a loser Trump is. 0.95

01:13:58.000 And we have become so separated as a nation that we're back and we're meeting. 0.96

01:14:04.000 Because I watch this propaganda and I see a Trump puff piece.

01:14:11.000 This makes Trump look awesome. 1.00

01:14:14.000 And his audience is laughing hysterically at what a loser Trump is. 1.00

01:14:19.000 And I'm watching it going, boy, did Barack Obama suck. 1.00

01:14:22.000 Boy, am I glad we have the best, coolest, funnest, funnest president of all time. 0.99

01:14:28.000 Who can deny that?

01:14:30.000 Like, you just, you hear this guy, and my mother said this.

01:14:34.000 I know you're never supposed to quote your mother, but she just goes, he feels like taking a warm bath.

01:14:39.000 He's just so funny.

01:14:40.000 He always cracks me up.

01:14:41.000 Like, he's just so soothing.

01:14:42.000 You're just like, ah.

01:14:44.000 He's like a Budweiser after having a hot soup.

01:14:49.000 It's just like, ooh, that's a cold one.

01:14:51.000 Whoa.

01:14:52.000 I'm not sure I deserve this.

01:14:54.000 I could watch him say the most boring things.

01:14:57.000 He's never boring.

01:14:58.000 He's never boring.

01:14:59.000 The things that should typically, the most typically boring White House type speeches that a president is forced to make, I could just be like, because he goes off script.

01:15:08.000 Yeah.

01:15:08.000 He's going to be like, I'll be like, we love you.

01:15:10.000 I love you too.

01:15:11.000 Wait, that's a guy.

01:15:13.000 That was a guy who just said that.

01:15:15.000 The way he handles hecklers, get him out of here.

01:15:17.000 Go back home to mommy. 0.51

01:15:20.000 He's so funny.

01:15:21.000 So great.

01:15:21.000 How do you hate him?

01:15:22.000 Go back home to.

01:15:23.000 That's what confuses me is comedians hate him.

01:15:23.000 Yeah.

01:15:25.000 And I go, one of your people is in the White House.

01:15:28.000 We have a comedian in the White House.

01:15:30.000 And he's actually nailing.

01:15:31.000 And he's got great comedic timing and everything.

01:15:34.000 We're pumping this up a little too much, but you tell me what you think.

01:15:37.000 By the way, when Obama went on TV to announce that they'd killed Bin Laden, he spoke for nine and a half minutes.

01:15:43.000 Trump yesterday did 48 minutes on this.

01:15:46.000 And for further comparison, we thought it might be fun to match up Trump's speech about al-Baghdadi with Obama's about bin Laden, and we were right, it was. 0.89

01:15:46.000 Good. 0.89

01:15:55.000 The United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden.

01:16:00.000 Abu Bakar al-Baghdadi is dead.

01:16:05.000 The United States launched a targeted operation against that compound.

01:16:09.000 They did a lot of shooting, and they did a lot of blasting.

01:16:13.000 You're not going through the front door.

01:16:14.000 You know, you think you go through the door.

01:16:16.000 If you're a normal person, you say, knock, knock, may I come in.

01:16:21.000 After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body. 0.63

01:16:27.000 He died like a dog.

01:16:29.000 But his death does not mark the end of our effort.

01:16:32.000 A beautiful dog.

01:16:35.000 No, he takes that I just noticed that too.

01:16:40.000 He died like a dog.

01:16:42.000 Then separately, Trump was talking about the German shepherd that did the dirty work. 0.72

01:16:46.000 That's right.

01:16:47.000 And he said that dog was a beautiful dog.

01:16:49.000 And this is what people don't get.

01:16:51.000 Barack Obama was about appeasing Islam. 0.95

01:16:54.000 In fact, he devoted the space program, NASA, to showing people the incredible contributions the Arab community have given to mathematics.

01:17:05.000 What?

01:17:08.000 Just get on the moon again.

01:17:09.000 Go fly around in outer space.

01:17:11.000 You're not a propaganda tool, but he was.

01:17:14.000 So the reason that Barack Obama was so brief and serious here and just saying the news is because he doesn't want to offend Muslims because he thinks that if we're not very gentle and kind to them, they'll hurt us.

01:17:28.000 They don't care what we do.

01:17:30.000 We could convert to Islam.

01:17:32.000 And they'd say, not good enough.

01:17:33.000 I think you're faking. 1.00

01:17:34.000 That Burke looks like bullshit. 1.00

01:17:35.000 They do it to themselves. 1.00

01:17:36.000 No one kills more Muslims than Muslims. 0.99

01:17:39.000 Conversely, Trump understands that they are very sensitive people and they want to be revered. 0.98

01:17:48.000 So he's antagonizing them.

01:17:50.000 They are seeing this speech and they're seeing him.

01:17:53.000 Yeah, knock on the front door.

01:17:55.000 Yeah, you know, you walk in, knock, knock.

01:17:56.000 Can I come in?

01:17:57.000 Not these guys.

01:17:57.000 A lot of blasting.

01:17:58.000 A lot of blasting. 0.99

01:18:00.000 Died like a coward, whimpering and crying and screaming. 0.99

01:18:03.000 We watched it. 1.00

01:18:04.000 HD.

01:18:05.000 It was like a movie.

01:18:07.000 He said that.

01:18:09.000 Yeah.

01:18:10.000 Men who carried out this operation.

01:18:12.000 And I don't get any credit for this, but that's okay.

01:18:14.000 I never do.

01:18:16.000 Here we are.

01:18:17.000 May God bless you.

01:18:18.000 And may God bless the United States of America.

01:18:21.000 And I'm writing a book.

01:18:23.000 There were 12 books.

01:18:25.000 All the very well.

01:18:26.000 Just like a real comedian he has to get his plugs in.

01:18:29.000 Yeah.

01:18:30.000 Also be at the foot of the book.

01:18:31.000 All his books are How You Can Make More Money.

01:18:34.000 And then you look at the Obama's, and Michelle's is called Me.

01:18:38.000 How Me is a Me.

01:18:39.000 How Me Was Me and That's So Me.

01:18:42.000 Becoming Me, Becoming Michelle.

01:18:45.000 Be better, be like me.

01:18:47.000 And then Barack Obama's book.

01:18:48.000 He had several books about himself.

01:18:51.000 Who writes two autobiographies?

01:18:54.000 Oh, this one's called The Dreams of My Father and how my father, who abandoned me at a young age, was just a real dreamer.

01:19:02.000 And I missed him.

01:19:03.000 He wasn't around.

01:19:04.000 And here's another book.

01:19:05.000 It's just called Me, Barack Obama.

01:19:08.000 What is his other book?

01:19:10.000 Becoming Michelle.

01:19:12.000 Becoming Obama.

01:19:13.000 Yeah, you did a lot of me search there for your book.

01:19:17.000 I could write a book.

01:19:18.000 I did write a book about myself.

01:19:20.000 It's very easy.

01:19:21.000 Took me like six months.

01:19:23.000 Dreams for My Father.

01:19:24.000 The Audacity of Hope.

01:19:26.000 Yeah, that was it.

01:19:26.000 The Audacity of Hope.

01:19:28.000 Ugh.

01:19:31.000 And the funny thing about that video is I love it.

01:19:34.000 They got the dog in there. 0.95

01:19:36.000 It's going to make Islam go ballistic. 1.00

01:19:39.000 It's so disrespectful and it pushes all their buttons with the dog thing. 0.99

01:19:44.000 They hate dogs.

01:19:45.000 They meme dogs on a regular basis. 1.00

01:19:47.000 A big insult in Islam is you're a dog. 1.00

01:19:50.000 That's the worst thing you could say about someone. 1.00

01:19:52.000 They don't domesticate them.

01:19:54.000 They're just strays.

01:19:55.000 They're just wild. 0.93

01:19:56.000 They just kill them for fun. 1.00

01:19:58.000 Ha ha, you losers, I'm better than you. 1.00

01:20:00.000 That's a sign, by the way, of a primitive culture when you're impressed that you're better than a fucking dog. 1.00

01:20:04.000 And you're like, ha ha, I'm going to cut his ears off with shearing scissors. 1.00

01:20:08.000 Bitch. 1.00

01:20:09.000 Literal bitch. 1.00

01:20:10.000 It was a bitch, by the way, who killed him. 1.00

01:20:11.000 It was a female dog. 1.00

01:20:12.000 Nice.

01:20:14.000 Judd Appetow was tweeting this.

01:20:16.000 Look at that.

01:20:17.000 People should never stop retweeting this.

01:20:19.000 I agree, Judd. 1.00

01:20:23.000 You fucking pussy. 1.00

01:20:26.000 Wife didn't even take your name. 1.00

01:20:28.000 Again, you know what all this is about, right?

01:20:30.000 This is all about masculinity. 1.00

01:20:31.000 Judd Apatow is a pussy. 1.00

01:20:33.000 He hates Trump because Trump represents masculinity and that's what bullied him in high school. 1.00

01:20:38.000 And these women hate Trump because those are the guys that wouldn't fuck them in high school. 1.00

01:20:43.000 And that's the guys they see as holding them back because they go, why aren't I a famous writer on SNL? 1.00

01:20:49.000 It must be because men took all the jobs. 0.94

01:20:51.000 It's all resentment towards men, including, and that's what the Joker's about.

01:20:55.000 But look at this Jess Dweck.

01:20:57.000 I think she's a comedy writer. 0.99

01:20:59.000 Totally fucking humorless. 0.99

01:21:00.000 He still doesn't even know how to pretend to be a person. 0.98

01:21:03.000 And this is because he put candy on top of what are they called those little guys?

01:21:10.000 Jack-o'-lantern?

01:21:11.000 No, that guy.

01:21:12.000 Oh, a minion.

01:21:13.000 Look.

01:21:13.000 Minion.

01:21:14.000 Hey, what's that?

01:21:14.000 That's fun.

01:21:15.000 Plop, plop?

01:21:16.000 That's hilarious.

01:21:18.000 And then she puts it on his head, and then it slides into that guy's bag.

01:21:21.000 It's called playing around with kids.

01:21:24.000 You think he doesn't understand the concept of trick or treat?

01:21:28.000 He's messing around.

01:21:29.000 Some kid's got a big minion head. 0.83

01:21:30.000 Hey, I'm going to put this on your head. 0.99

01:21:32.000 And you can't.

01:21:33.000 He's like, where's it going to go?

01:21:34.000 Oh, there it is.

01:21:35.000 Which hand is it in?

01:21:37.000 And he doesn't even know how to put it in a bag.

01:21:39.000 And he feels special, that kid, because he's like, he put it on my head.

01:21:42.000 And I was a faceless minion.

01:21:44.000 I couldn't express myself at all.

01:21:45.000 But he saw through it and he put it on my minion head.

01:21:49.000 A lot of people, they just want to put it in the bag.

01:21:53.000 Hey, there's a trick-or-treat bag. 0.99

01:21:54.000 Real losers. 0.99

01:21:56.000 I should just put it in the bag. 0.99

01:22:00.000 Are you ready?

01:22:00.000 Speaking of bag.

01:22:03.000 Yeah.

01:22:03.000 Right?

01:22:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:05.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a debt. 0.99

01:22:10.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag. 1.00

01:22:16.000 Let me touch it.

01:22:20.000 This guy sent me an article from the Philly Inquirer.

01:22:27.000 It says, after seven years under the regime of the Democratic machine, Philly can finally elect some newcomers on Tuesday.

01:22:32.000 Philly is totally polluted with the DNC.

01:22:35.000 If you ever go there, downtown Philly has just been handed over to the homeless.

01:22:39.000 It's like there was a negotiation at Camp David for the homeless and the homeless won.

01:22:43.000 Like they just, they sleep wherever they want. 0.99

01:22:45.000 It's disgusting. 0.80

01:22:47.000 Anyway, this guy sent me this article.

01:22:49.000 I assume you're pulling it up.

01:22:52.000 Mayoral candidate Cian Saglini, while denying links between his campaign and the far right, has been spotted at the same rally as the notorious Proud Boys.

01:23:03.000 His fanboys in extremist chat rooms has fanboys in extremist chat rooms and lashed out on Facebook against a pro-immigrant restaurateur at the same time the owner of Le Vertu was being targeted for harassment.

01:23:18.000 Now, I don't know that story, but I guarantee that's not what it was.

01:23:21.000 It was probably like that place in Hamilton where they found out the kids were in Antifa and they were yelling at old ladies.

01:23:30.000 But let's look it up.

01:23:31.000 Le Vertu.

01:23:34.000 I don't know, nothing's coming up.

01:23:35.000 I bet he spelt it wrong.

01:23:38.000 Sorry.

01:23:40.000 And he says, it's a bad enough look that it gave Kenny a rationale for not debating this fall in a mayoral race that hasn't really happened.

01:23:48.000 And he says, love to show a good fight.

01:23:49.000 Okay, so that's what's going on with Philly.

01:23:52.000 Proud Boys are often used by politicians to make the other one look bad.

01:23:55.000 And in fact, they unseated the guy who was running South Brooklyn for 20 years.

01:24:05.000 20 years he was there.

01:24:06.000 This was in Proud Boy magazine under 10 Times New York politicians use Proud Boys as a political weapon.

01:24:12.000 It was the weirdest thing.

01:24:16.000 Guanardez is this PC cuck who wanted to flip Brooklyn 100%. 0.94

01:24:23.000 There was one lone Republican senator named Marty Golden in the 22nd District, which is all cops and firemen down there, South Brooklyn. 0.87

01:24:30.000 Everyone loved him.

01:24:31.000 Everything was great.

01:24:31.000 But then, after my talk, and that became the narrative, it's number eight if you scroll down.

01:24:37.000 They realized we can use this as a weapon.

01:24:39.000 We'll call everyone a Nazi. 0.89

01:24:40.000 Anyone who's ever with a patriot.

01:24:42.000 So, no, that's number nine.

01:24:45.000 So, this guy, Guanardes, sent letters to every single home in Brooklyn saying that Marty Golden was a proud boy, and he's affiliated with Nazis, and they're a hate group, and it worked. 0.98

01:25:00.000 That's the crazy thing about this shit, is that it's actually effective. 0.99

01:25:04.000 Just making up a story. 1.00

01:25:05.000 Maybe that's why they encourage us to be so incurious.

01:25:12.000 What's this?

01:25:13.000 Someone just sent me a video?

01:25:27.000 Hello?

01:25:28.000 Ryan, what are you doing?

01:25:32.000 Is it in the mailbag?

01:25:33.000 I'm looking in there.

01:25:34.000 Yes.

01:25:39.000 Oh, I forgot it archives all mine.

01:25:41.000 You've told me that so many times.

01:25:45.000 Just go search mailbag and they'll all appear chronologically.

01:25:50.000 What is going on with your mailbox?

01:25:52.000 Oh, no.

01:25:53.000 Jesus.

01:25:55.000 You're right.

01:25:55.000 No, I'm having a bit of a nightmare, actually.

01:25:57.000 What's the matter?

01:25:58.000 Well, I've got all the international CEOs from around the world in this room.

01:26:01.000 In ten minutes, the annual summit's supposed to take place.

01:26:04.000 They've flown thousands of miles to get here, and my translator hasn't turned up.

01:26:09.000 I need to find someone who can translate into seven different languages.

01:26:15.000 Well, I can do that.

01:26:17.000 Yeah, I did it heckle in my gap year.

01:26:21.000 Welcome back to London.

01:26:22.000 It's better to find it.

01:26:24.000 This is Helen Marsh, who will be our interpreter today.

01:26:27.000 So, without further ado, let's address section 1.1, multinational profiteering for the financial year 2005-2006.

01:26:39.000 Helen.

01:26:51.000 All right, that wasn't fun.

01:26:52.000 Thanks for wasting our time.

01:26:54.000 This is from Bryce. 0.97

01:26:55.000 Miami Uncensored sucked. 0.64

01:26:57.000 Whose idea was it to cut and paste the several debates throughout the video? 0.94

01:26:59.000 If it was Ryan, please cut his pay.

01:27:02.000 That's hurtful and mean?

01:27:05.000 It had to be done that way.

01:27:06.000 That was our guy, Steven, from Folklore Americana.

01:27:09.000 Well, you just threw him under the bus, dude.

01:27:11.000 No, no, it had to be done that way.

01:27:13.000 It was the only way it could have been edited.

01:27:15.000 Trust me, believe me.

01:27:16.000 What do you mean the only way?

01:27:18.000 Why couldn't it have been the whole talk or something?

01:27:20.000 There were, I mean, because we'd have to rely on just the stream audio.

01:27:24.000 we wanted to have it as HD as possible.

01:27:26.000 Why?

01:27:27.000 So there's some moments where... 0.99

01:27:34.000 Sounds like someone fucked up. 1.00

01:27:36.000 Ain't no fuck up. 1.00

01:27:37.000 Try to get David Carroll on the show. 0.99

01:27:39.000 Who's that again?

01:27:41.000 I love how these people think that I can just magically try to get someone and they instantly appear.

01:27:47.000 David Carroll, Associate Professor of Media Design, Parson?

01:27:50.000 That can't be him, right?

01:27:53.000 Ugh, boring. 0.98

01:27:55.000 Joe Carney, bad religion. 0.99

01:27:57.000 I'm dying to ask Greg Graffin if they'd ever mix things up and consider changing their logo to a crossed out star David or a crescent moon.

01:28:02.000 P.S. You're coming about immigrants and their totally nonsensical insolence. 1.00

01:28:05.000 It's 100% true.

01:28:06.000 I went to grammar school, so this guy must be British, with these Yemeni twins at the end of the year, and one got left back.

01:28:14.000 This is back when schools used to do that.

01:28:16.000 My mother was his teacher for a time.

01:28:17.000 Then when the father found out, he slapped the kid in front of everyone, exclaimed, for you, no fish, no orange.

01:28:25.000 Obviously, it remains a running joke to my family this day.

01:28:28.000 PPS, I saw you riding your bike the other day. 0.82

01:28:30.000 You look like a douche, like you're more than a friend. 0.97

01:28:32.000 Oh, that's very mean. 0.97

01:28:36.000 Ain't nobody got time for that.

01:28:41.000 Yeah, this is what we have to understand about multiculturalism.

01:28:44.000 Cultures are different than us.

01:28:46.000 I was listening to Howard Stern, by the way, and he just, he's so frustrating because he's so naive.

01:28:50.000 He doesn't know about different things.

01:28:52.000 Like he said, there's a thing called trunk or treat.

01:28:54.000 That's not a thing, is it? 1.00

01:28:56.000 Yes, asshole. 1.00

01:28:57.000 When people live in the country, they can't go door to door because the houses are too far apart. 1.00

01:29:02.000 So they meet at a parking lot and the parents have it in their trunk and you go around to all the different cars.

01:29:08.000 How can you not know that? 0.99

01:29:10.000 Because you've never been out of your fucking house and you're sitting there on your radio show telling us about the world. 1.00

01:29:14.000 And then these comedians who are also totally secluded and know nothing of Islam are sitting there going, Trump's speech sucked. 1.00

01:29:21.000 He kept talking about a dog. 0.99

01:29:23.000 Yeah, that's premeditated. 0.97

01:29:25.000 Nothing makes Islam more annoyed than dogs. 1.00

01:29:31.000 He's pissing them off. 1.00

01:29:33.000 Barack Obama kissed their ass. 1.00

01:29:35.000 Do you get it? 1.00

01:29:36.000 Oh.

01:29:39.000 *sigh*

01:29:42.000 Hi, this is Joe from San Diego, Lebanese Catholic 29.

01:29:46.000 I'm paid subscriber.

01:29:48.000 The reason Gavin often finds himself frustrated with Ryan's performance during shows, such as promptly bringing up relevant websites, is because Ryan is caught between two roles, tech guy and sidekick.

01:29:59.000 A tech guy allocates all of his attention, blah, blah, blah.

01:30:02.000 A sidekick's responsibility is to be a participant.

01:30:05.000 Both roles are valid.

01:30:07.000 However, as the scripture says, a man cannot serve two masters or put another away.

01:30:12.000 Don't try to half-ass two things.

01:30:14.000 Have you guys sat down and clearly ironed out exactly the laugh?

01:30:17.000 If you want a hybrid tech guy and sidekick, then there needs to be an understanding.

01:30:19.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:30:20.000 I like you sunglasses.

01:30:21.000 I'm surprised they didn't end up with the I want a job.

01:30:24.000 They usually do.

01:30:25.000 Bless you.

01:30:26.000 It's not two masters.

01:30:26.000 It's two jobs for one master.

01:30:29.000 Yeah.

01:30:29.000 Am I right?

01:30:30.000 I think I'm.

01:30:32.000 You think you're what?

01:30:34.000 Doing better?

01:30:35.000 This numbering system definitely helps.

01:30:36.000 Look at this, though.

01:30:37.000 Please be courteous to your Muslim neighbors. 0.99

01:30:39.000 Many Muslims in this area and dogs. 1.00

01:30:41.000 Many Muslims live in this area and dogs are considered filthy in Islam. 1.00

01:30:45.000 Please keep your dogs on a leash and away from the Muslims who live in this communiatoire. 1.00

01:30:49.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:30:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:51.000 This is what I don't get to about immigrants. 0.99

01:30:54.000 Back when we were punks, we knew that we had chosen this weird life And we didn't expect to get our asses kissed. 0.99

01:31:03.000 I didn't expect to be a greeter at Walmart. 0.99

01:31:05.000 But then you have these Sikhs who chose the big beard and the turban, which I respect. 0.99

01:31:11.000 I like Sikhs.

01:31:12.000 And then they go, why can't I be involved in boxing?

01:31:14.000 Well, you chose a different culture.

01:31:17.000 And you're supposed to be willing to die for that culture.

01:31:19.000 You can't be inconvenienced. 1.00

01:31:22.000 Like if we were punks and they said, sorry, no boxing with Mohawks, we go, fuck off. 1.00

01:31:30.000 Like when they want to wear their turban with a bobby hat. 1.00

01:31:34.000 And you're like, well, you can't.

01:31:35.000 That's not what they do here.

01:31:36.000 And then you go, good, I'm a Sikh.

01:31:37.000 You're never going to change me.

01:31:39.000 Okay.

01:31:40.000 But why, who, like, imagine any of us going to any other country and demanding they conform to our ways.

01:31:46.000 Speak English or die, I say when I walk into Mexico City.

01:31:50.000 Hey, how come I'm speaking Spanish? 0.76

01:31:52.000 I don't send anything.

01:31:53.000 You should have English signs in here.

01:31:55.000 Pesos?

01:31:56.000 I got three bucks. 0.99

01:31:57.000 I don't got any fucking pesos. 0.98

01:31:59.000 That'd probably be right here. 1.00

01:32:00.000 You're pissing me off. 1.00

01:32:02.000 Black dogs are Islamophobic. 0.99

01:32:04.000 The Prophet of Allah said, were dogs not a species of creature? 1.00

01:32:07.000 I should command that they would all be killed. 1.00

01:32:09.000 But every pure black one, because black dogs are evil. 1.00

01:32:13.000 That sounds very civilized, Muhammad. 1.00

01:32:17.000 Andy, not disclosing transness.

01:32:19.000 As you know, some of these trans women look like actual women. 1.00

01:32:21.000 Could you fucking imagine you make it to home base and you see that the person has a penis? 1.00

01:32:29.000 I think I could. 1.00

01:32:29.000 Your stomach just went, oh. 1.00

01:32:31.000 You heard that?

01:32:32.000 Yeah.

01:32:33.000 The amount of emotional trauma that this would cause most men would be incredible, especially in cultures like black and Hispanic cultures that are not as tolerant as hipster or white guy cultures. 0.96

01:32:44.000 So now you're known as a homo in your community. 1.00

01:32:48.000 Now you're fucked. 1.00

01:32:49.000 Like they, I remember there was an episode of Real World very long time ago, one of the first one ever. 1.00

01:32:56.000 And she slaps this black guy in the face. 1.00

01:33:00.000 Uh-oh. 0.98

01:33:00.000 And he punched her and he got arrested and it was a big deal and the real world was going to end. 0.98

01:33:05.000 But slapping like me in the face as a woman and slapping some poor black teenager in the face, different contexts. 0.99

01:33:12.000 People just see me and they go, that was funny. 0.98

01:33:15.000 She was mad at you. 1.00

01:33:15.000 Him, he's a bitch now. 1.00

01:33:18.000 It might be an evolution of prison culture. 0.99

01:33:20.000 But it's exactly like Nicole Dufran there in whenever it was, 2000, 2001, where Rudy Fleming, black Puerto Rican kid, pulled a gun on her and she goes, she laughs in his face.

01:33:31.000 And she goes, what are you going to do? 0.70

01:33:32.000 Shoot me? 1.00

01:33:34.000 Fucking loser. 1.00

01:33:35.000 So he goes, because the idea of being known as a pussy who gets talked down to was much worse than going to jail forever. 1.00

01:33:44.000 By the way, when he got picked up by the cops, he tried to get out of it by saying he's a stomachache. 1.00

01:33:49.000 Oh, no.

01:33:50.000 Oh, okay.

01:33:50.000 Well, we'll come back tomorrow when your stomach feels better.

01:33:57.000 Especially if you started with some kissing and making the discovery.

01:33:59.000 Yeah, what if it blew you first?

01:34:02.000 What if Z blew you first? 0.96

01:34:04.000 I would like your opinion about making not disclosing transness illegal.

01:34:09.000 It absolutely should be illegal due to the massive amount of emotional trauma caused in this situation.

01:34:14.000 Let me know what you think.

01:34:16.000 I don't want more laws, but I get what you're saying.

01:34:19.000 And I wonder how much that contributes to murders.

01:34:23.000 You know, all these trans people who were killed? 0.97

01:34:26.000 How many of them were killed by angry thugs who got pissed off that they became a gay? 0.99

01:34:32.000 And isn't that kind of a form of rape? 1.00

01:34:34.000 Yeah.

01:34:35.000 It's almost as sneaking an STD around or... 1.00

01:34:44.000 Yeah, that's I'm not fucking who I set out to fuck. 1.00

01:34:47.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:34:48.000 That's a rape. 1.00

01:34:49.000 Yeah. 0.58

01:34:49.000 Like, Chris Jenner, my husband was a woman the whole time. 0.58

01:34:53.000 I was having lesbian sex my whole life with some chick with a dick. 1.00

01:34:58.000 It's dosing. 1.00

01:34:59.000 You're dosing them with dick. 1.00

01:35:00.000 Dosing them with dick. 1.00

01:35:02.000 My autobiography. 1.00

01:35:05.000 That's the motto of this show. 1.00

01:35:06.000 I can't believe that you have to get out of my lawn where we dose you with dick. 1.00

01:35:11.000 I couldn't believe that you could actually fall for a transsexual. 1.00

01:35:15.000 I don't think that's possible.

01:35:19.000 I've never seen one in person, really.

01:35:21.000 It's a Peter and the Test Tube Babies song.

01:35:24.000 Oh.

01:35:26.000 What is it called?

01:35:27.000 I can't remember.

01:35:28.000 Peter and the Test Tube Baby's trans song. 1.00

01:35:37.000 Yeah, Banned from the Pubs who are not fucking trans. 1.00

01:35:39.000 The trans woman is banned from the Pubs because she falsely identified herself. 0.99

01:35:42.000 Ryan's mailbag was entertaining enough to fill the void when there is no new content, like weekends.

01:35:47.000 Please allow the man, or whatever they identify as, have his own broadcast occasionally.

01:35:51.000 I would like to buy you all a beer, blah, blah, blah.

01:35:54.000 Love the show.

01:35:54.000 I've been an Atlanta police officer for 16 years and a veteran of Trashkhanistan, Afghanistan.

01:36:01.000 I support you all, except for Ryan's choices in music.

01:36:04.000 Jonas Brothers?

01:36:05.000 Really, dude?

01:36:09.000 Yeah, I couldn't agree with that guy more.

01:36:11.000 See, this is why I just feel more comfortable around cops.

01:36:15.000 I got something.

01:36:16.000 A mailbag.

01:36:18.000 We should really get Larry back upstairs and do a big marathon.

01:36:25.000 Okay?

01:36:25.000 Yes.

01:36:27.000 And I told you the parameters.

01:36:29.000 It's very simple.

01:36:30.000 Just 30 seconds per letter and keep your reaction, your response down to 10 seconds.

01:36:36.000 Plow through them. 0.99

01:36:36.000 That's pretty great. 0.99

01:36:38.000 Pretty great.

01:36:39.000 Mikael, let me try this one.

01:36:41.000 Okay.

01:36:41.000 This is a sample.

01:36:42.000 Hey, Gavin and Ryan, I'm from the UK, and I know you're not big on rap music, but I think you should see this video from over the weekend at a concert where rapper YG kicked out a fan for not being anti-Trump.

01:36:52.000 Ancient news, most ancient news in the world.

01:36:56.000 That should give you a clue.

01:36:57.000 8.4 million views.

01:36:59.000 Is that a Mets?

01:37:00.000 No, I don't think so. 1.00

01:37:02.000 He told him to say fuck Trump. 1.00

01:37:03.000 He didn't say fuck Trump. 1.00

01:37:04.000 He got kicked out. 1.00

01:37:05.000 Yeah, what a waste of time.

01:37:06.000 Thanks, newshound.

01:37:11.000 But a lot of people have been sending me videos.

01:37:14.000 Okay, here's the last one we're going to do.

01:37:16.000 Weird but expected Google search from Fred.

01:37:20.000 Salou maqu.

01:37:22.000 That's French-Canadian. 1.00

01:37:23.000 And that means, hey, asshole. 1.00

01:37:27.000 Have you noticed the Democratic candidates' ads permeating Facebook feel like they are proposing you enter a sweepstakes? 1.00

01:37:35.000 Example: here is your chance to make history and donate to my campaign. 0.98

01:37:39.000 Like it is a privilege for anyone to have the opportunity to shed their hard-earned money to the scum of the earth. 0.69

01:37:45.000 Career politicians equal use car salesman.

01:37:48.000 On another note, you're probably already aware of this, but when I explicitly look up free speech.tv on Google, the first two links are for free speech.org.

01:37:56.000 The force is strong with them, Google algorithms.

01:37:59.000 P.S. Not to be a content Nazi, but on today's show, the sign-on bit 2.3 about getting castrated spelled crowded as crowd.

01:38:08.000 I assume they didn't run a spell check, and there are dozens of words, and even if they did, it wouldn't have caught it.

01:38:13.000 What?

01:38:14.000 Is this you making a typo?

01:38:17.000 The sign-on bit 2.3 about getting castrated.

01:38:22.000 Spelled crowded as crowd.

01:38:23.000 What's he talking about?

01:38:24.000 Croad?

01:38:25.000 Crowded?

01:38:27.000 Oh my gosh.

01:38:27.000 Thanks, Ryan.

01:38:29.000 Thanks for your input.

01:38:30.000 Alright, that's enough.

01:38:33.000 I feel like this show hasn't been funny enough.

01:38:35.000 Well, I got some...

01:38:39.000 Some Halloween costumes?

01:38:41.000 That's not funny.

01:38:42.000 That one's bad.

01:38:43.000 That one's lame.

01:38:44.000 That one's awful.

01:38:45.000 That's okay.

01:38:47.000 This one's interesting.

01:38:48.000 And then I started going down a Simpson's rabbit hole.

01:38:50.000 Alright, those are good.

01:38:52.000 Yeah, good job.

01:38:54.000 Why do I feel like these are all British people? 1.00

01:38:56.000 That's an interesting theory.

01:38:59.000 That's Smarge.

01:39:00.000 Alright.

01:39:01.000 This is terrifying.

01:39:02.000 Okay.

01:39:03.000 It's a Paul Giamatti costume.

01:39:05.000 Bert and Ernie?

01:39:07.000 That's...

01:39:11.000 Instead of buying costumes, she would make them.

01:39:13.000 This is her interpretation of Spider-Man.

01:39:15.000 My son would make his own Spider-Man costumes when he was that age, and they were way better than that.

01:39:20.000 Like the head can be tight.

01:39:22.000 You use a t-shirt sleeve.

01:39:24.000 Oh, that's a great idea.

01:39:26.000 Yeah.

01:39:27.000 This is just cute.

01:39:29.000 Yeah, okay.

01:39:30.000 Why are we looking at these?

01:39:32.000 It's more fun.

01:39:33.000 No, it's not fun. 1.00

01:39:34.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:39:35.000 Anyone can Google Halloween costumes. 1.00

01:39:37.000 Postmodern.

01:39:39.000 That's a celebrity dresses postmodern.

01:39:41.000 All right.

01:39:42.000 Let's end with a very fun video.

01:39:44.000 I was considering doing this as a green screen, but we'll just sit here and look at it.

01:39:50.000 It's 2.8, and it is about the trans community at Spotify, who are clearly all insane. 1.00

01:40:00.000 How do these companies function with all this?

01:40:02.000 Okay, no, go back to the beginning and zoom out, please.

01:40:07.000 Now, this is, I was talking to Milo about this. 0.85

01:40:11.000 A lot of these sort of new groups that we need to pay attention to and respect and love and admire and ask questions to are dorks. 1.00

01:40:19.000 They're ugly losers who want to be part of the conversation. 1.00

01:40:22.000 So instead of working their way up to popularity, they just say, no, ask me. 0.99

01:40:26.000 You see this in comedy all the time where they go, I'm going to be the head of social equality over at Upright Citizens Brigade.

01:40:34.000 And you can ask me whether you can do a trans sketch or not. 0.99

01:40:37.000 So this is just an ugly fat chick who's probably not even a lesbian. 1.00

01:40:41.000 She was just being a lesbian because no man will fuck her. 1.00

01:40:43.000 She's a lazy pig who eats too much. 1.00

01:40:46.000 And she's now an authority. 1.00

01:40:48.000 Now we have to go to her and ask.

01:40:49.000 And Spotify apparently decides that that's a good investment.

01:40:54.000 How can it be?

01:40:55.000 Spotify, everyone just trusts each other and has this culture of it's okay to ask questions even if they might be difficult questions.

01:41:02.000 Pronouns are kind of a tricky concept for.

01:41:05.000 Is that a man or a woman? 0.99

01:41:07.000 The first one was just an ugly chick pretending she's a trans lesbian, right? 1.00

01:41:12.000 It's a she or they. 1.00

01:41:14.000 Danielle Zephyr.

01:41:16.000 You know that's like Cronenberg or something.

01:41:19.000 She thought, nah, that's too Jewish.

01:41:22.000 I want to be more.

01:41:22.000 I want to be from the future.

01:41:24.000 What is that thing around her neck? 0.97

01:41:25.000 A young pendillet. 1.00

01:41:29.000 In that I keep going back and forth about kind of what to use.

01:41:33.000 what to use where?

01:41:34.000 Well, I spent...

01:41:35.000 So that previous...

01:41:39.000 What is this guy?

01:41:41.000 Just because you like blue doesn't mean you're a different gender.

01:41:45.000 Does he think he's a woman?

01:41:47.000 I'm a blueberry.

01:41:49.000 Tomorrow I might be a grapes.

01:41:52.000 About 30 years or so in the closet because my previous employers didn't have any particular tolerance for transgender people.

01:42:00.000 How is that trans? 1.00

01:42:01.000 Just pause.

01:42:02.000 How is he a transgendered person? 1.00

01:42:04.000 He's just a gay with blue hair and some shitty pants on. 1.00

01:42:09.000 How easy is it to be a woman? 1.00

01:42:10.000 I know I've said this a hundred times, but it's way harder to be punk than it is to be a woman.

01:42:16.000 What are the chance they have like high contempt and bitterness towards anybody who's just kind of cis in that environment?

01:42:22.000 1-0-0?

01:42:24.000 You can't sit with us.

01:42:24.000 No, the only way that they get any respect for anyone cis is if that cis person comes up and says, hi, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I'd love to find out what your pronouns are.

01:42:36.000 And it's revenge of the nerds. 0.99

01:42:38.000 All of this shit, this gray clown world they're creating for us, is revenge of the nerds. 1.00

01:42:43.000 Why are we letting them get away with it? 1.00

01:42:46.000 Because we don't want to get sued by Jessica Tarvis or whatever that freak's name was. 0.93

01:42:51.000 Like, why acquiesce to these silly terms? 0.80

01:42:54.000 That's what part of it.

01:42:57.000 And Spectrum is our LGBTQ plus employee resource group at Spotify having a diverse workforce and being an inclusive group.

01:43:04.000 Sorry, pods. 0.99

01:43:05.000 What the fuck is a resource group? 0.99

01:43:07.000 Can you imagine the time they waste? 0.98

01:43:09.000 So, minutes, do you want to do the minutes from the last meeting?

01:43:12.000 No?

01:43:13.000 Okay.

01:43:13.000 Well, let's get started.

01:43:14.000 So, I got a lot of good feedback about the baked sale.

01:43:18.000 People say we should do it.

01:43:20.000 And everyone was really into Emily's idea about rainbow-colored cupcakes.

01:43:25.000 So, I think that should be, and we can, depending how much money we raise, you know, it could pay for the cupcake ingredients from the cupcake store, or we could donate it to an N-AIDS charity or something like that.

01:43:36.000 I'm open to ideas.

01:43:37.000 And then the blue-haired guy's like, I have some ideas with that.

01:43:40.000 Point of privilege.

01:43:41.000 The cupcakes had seven colors of the rainbow.

01:43:44.000 This is unacceptable.

01:43:45.000 Where is orange?

01:43:48.000 Orange is the important so everyone can shave like themselves. 1.00

01:43:53.000 So what we did.

01:43:55.000 Wow.

01:43:56.000 Okay, you're a woman, right, Blueberry? 1.00

01:43:59.000 Why don't you shave your arms. 0.91

01:44:01.000 Like, you have the hairiest female arms I've ever seen. 1.00

01:44:06.000 I'm a hairy woman who wears men's clothes, talks like a man, and has long hair. 1.00

01:44:12.000 In other words, there's the only thing feminine about me, I guess, is my hair, sort of, and my fingernail polish.

01:44:18.000 That's all you mean.

01:44:23.000 Basically, Spotify said, oh, we didn't realize there was a problem there.

01:44:28.000 We'll fix it.

01:44:29.000 And that was pretty amazing.

01:44:32.000 Wait, pause.

01:44:33.000 So Spotify's paying for your sex change?

01:44:36.000 What's that?

01:44:37.000 200 grand?

01:44:39.000 Plus, the guy's away for however long it takes to heal your gash?

01:44:44.000 Well, that doesn't sound like a good investment.

01:44:46.000 If I was a shareholder, I'd go, wait, how much are we spending?

01:44:48.000 What are we doing?

01:44:49.000 Wait a minute.

01:44:50.000 Go back. 1.00

01:44:51.000 Are they paying for tits? 1.00

01:44:53.000 Basically, Spotify said. 0.99

01:44:57.000 What we did is to come up with a list of essentially every medical procedure that trans people might need.

01:45:04.000 We came up with a list of every medical procedure trans people might need. 0.99

01:45:08.000 Like hormone therapy, fake tits, I assume a full vagina installed. 1.00

01:45:16.000 That's got to be 200K. 1.00

01:45:18.000 Sorry, what's this now?

01:45:19.000 People might need.

01:45:21.000 Basically, Spotify said, oh, we didn't realize there was a problem there.

01:45:25.000 We'll fix it.

01:45:26.000 Just pause.

01:45:27.000 That guy, I don't know where Spotify is, but in like the East Village of New York City, Is it not?

01:45:33.000 I don't know.

01:45:34.000 Looks at eight?

01:45:35.000 Yeah.

01:45:35.000 Is that New York?

01:45:38.000 Dressing all blue and having blue hair in the East Village is the norm.

01:45:43.000 It's all freaks down there.

01:45:47.000 Remember, there was this, well, you don't, you never lived in the East Village, but there was this Asian woman who her fingernails and toenails were like this long and they were all different colors. 0.68

01:45:54.000 You'd always see her walking with her kids on Houston Street.

01:45:58.000 Totally normal.

01:46:00.000 In fact, my buddy Curtis Brown, when we ran the restaurant down there, the Cardinal, he'd spent so much time in the East Village, he didn't realize what a freak he was.

01:46:08.000 And he'd have on like white overalls, cowboy boots.

01:46:12.000 He'd be on a BMX, a tricked out BMX, and have a hat that says Jesus is God or something.

01:46:18.000 And I go, you know, you look like an absolute freak right now, right?

01:46:22.000 But down there, it was just like, he looked like a postman.

01:46:26.000 Anyway, this guy's not interesting is what I'm saying.

01:46:29.000 Was pretty amazing.

01:46:32.000 As of 2019, we now offer masculinization and feminization treatments recommended by the World's Professional Association for Transgender Health.

01:46:41.000 not a question of vanity.

01:46:44.000 You know, for someone who So that's what's really going on here.

01:46:48.000 They're not doing any tits or anything fancy.

01:46:51.000 They found some testosterone pills and some estrogen pills, and they're 200 bucks each.

01:46:57.000 So sometimes they'll float you 200 bucks.

01:46:59.000 They might take it out of your pay. 0.63

01:47:03.000 In other words, massive corporations spends a couple hundred bucks.

01:47:07.000 What a scoop.

01:47:09.000 Let's get the angels singing in the background.

01:47:13.000 Needs these things.

01:47:14.000 It's really a question of being able to be perceived, you know, as themselves.

01:47:19.000 At Spotify, everyone's part of Spotify.

01:47:22.000 Everyone's a member of the band.

01:47:23.000 And everyone is determined to help everyone else.

01:47:27.000 That's what it comes down to.

01:47:28.000 Everyone's a member of the band.

01:47:30.000 They're sick of not being in the club.

01:47:32.000 The nerds are sick of not being in the in-crowd.

01:47:35.000 So they legislated it.

01:47:37.000 They've legislated an in-crowd.

01:47:40.000 Here being the squeakiest wheel has paid off.

01:47:42.000 We're getting some.

01:47:43.000 There's no cool people at Spotify. 0.98

01:47:45.000 No matter how fat and ugly you are, people have to talk to you and act like you're popular. 0.98

01:47:50.000 So we get invited to parties. 0.99

01:47:52.000 If there's a party that happened and we aren't invited, we can file an HR14 and they have their balls cut off.

01:47:58.000 Here at Spotify, we allow personal distractions to become a thing.

01:48:04.000 Here at Spotify, where liking nerds is mandatory, we'll pay for it.

01:48:11.000 My advice is don't be afraid.

01:48:13.000 There's nothing wrong with knowing who you are and where you stand.

01:48:17.000 Again, more rhetoric from women and liberals in the left and trans.

01:48:21.000 There's nothing wrong with being who you are.

01:48:23.000 Thanks for the wake-up call.

01:48:24.000 Jesus Christ.

01:48:25.000 Part of what I'm doing here is trying to be visible so people who are like me know that they're not alone.

01:48:32.000 People like you, what? 0.99

01:48:33.000 Boring homosexuals? 1.00

01:48:35.000 There's nothing there. 1.00

01:48:36.000 There's no substance, my friend.

01:48:38.000 You're not interesting.

01:48:41.000 That is a dude, isn't it?

01:48:42.000 Not her, but the one before.

01:48:44.000 I don't know.

01:48:45.000 What the hell do you do at Spotify?

01:48:46.000 It's just a big dump of a bunch of songs.

01:48:48.000 I like to put my gender on shuffle, i.e. 0.93

01:48:50.000 Spotify style.

01:48:54.000 I know you're not allowed to talk about this at work, but maybe you should.

01:48:57.000 Maybe you should get fired.

01:48:58.000 Maybe you should get in trouble.

01:49:00.000 Maybe you should be brave.

01:49:01.000 Be brave.

01:49:02.000 And you should definitely.

01:49:04.000 What's so funny?

01:49:04.000 Be beef.

01:49:07.000 I didn't mean to.

01:49:09.000 No, no, no, no.

01:49:10.000 I'm sorry.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - October 30, 2019

S02E80 - 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT MY FRIENDS

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript