Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S04E18 - KABUL HAS FALLEN

00:00:13.000 Live from New York, it's Get Up My One with Devin McGuinness.

00:00:41.000 That was Rock the Casbah.

00:00:44.000 Welcome.

00:00:44.000 I am back.

00:00:46.000 I understand Ryan did a show as me saying that I was back already.

00:00:50.000 That was not true.

00:00:50.000 That was him wearing a fake beard.

00:00:52.000 Yes.

00:00:53.000 Doing an imitation of me where he goes like this a lot.

00:00:57.000 Apparently, that's a thing that I do.

00:01:00.000 That's one tiny facet of my multilingual personality.

00:01:04.000 I know this.

00:01:05.000 But Jordan Peterson doesn't always cry, but it's the best way to impersonate him.

00:01:09.000 And try to pay for it.

00:01:10.000 No, the best Jordan Peterson is clean your room.

00:01:12.000 Yeah, but he doesn't always say that.

00:01:14.000 He says a lot of things.

00:01:15.000 But that's the thing that I got to...

00:01:17.000 That was your hook.

00:01:18.000 I was listening to that North Korean chick on his show, as well as on Joe Rogan. 0.86

00:01:22.000 And it's a great way to lose weight.

00:01:25.000 Listening to the Joe Rogan podcast with the North Korean girl because she talks about rats eating children's eyes. 1.00

00:01:31.000 And my wife and I said, we're not having dinner tonight now.

00:01:34.000 Anyway, that was yesterday.

00:01:35.000 That was the last day of my vacation.

00:01:37.000 I'm here now.

00:01:38.000 And a lot going on.

00:01:40.000 I chose Rock the Kazbah because Joe Strummer's a rich kid.

00:01:44.000 And he's traveled all over the world.

00:01:45.000 And he knows other cultures.

00:01:47.000 And he knows when they suck.

00:01:49.000 Iran sucks. 0.99

00:01:50.000 And so this was like 82.

00:01:52.000 Topperhead and the drummer wrote it.

00:01:53.000 But Joe Strummer had a lot to do with it too.

00:01:57.000 And it's basically saying that these fucking Iranian clerics, these Muslim clerics are shitty and fuck Iran.

00:02:07.000 It's an anti-Muslim song.

00:02:09.000 They've tried to whitewash it and say, no, no, no.

00:02:11.000 We were just saying, we heard that you could get, you know, whipped if you had a disco record in Iran.

00:02:15.000 And we were banned from Iran.

00:02:17.000 We couldn't play there.

00:02:18.000 So we were just saying, fuck this place.

00:02:20.000 And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

00:02:23.000 Fuck this place now.

00:02:24.000 Mick Jones has his face covered in this video for some weird reason.

00:02:28.000 This was their only hit in America.

00:02:31.000 Anyway, I chose that because, as you know, I'm not a big fan of Islam. 0.99

00:02:35.000 And we are seeing them flourish now that we've left.

00:02:39.000 There's ways to exit a country, Joe, Biden.

00:02:44.000 First of all, you destroy your weapons.

00:02:46.000 If it's too expensive to ship the Hummers home, blow them up, burn them, wreck them.

00:02:51.000 But they didn't do that because Joe Biden is a retard, and he's obviously not running the show, but the people running the show are equally stupid. 0.92

00:02:59.000 Susan Rice?

00:03:01.000 That's who's running the show?

00:03:02.000 Valerie Jarrett?

00:03:03.000 Who's behind the curtain?

00:03:05.000 Whoever they are, they are incompetent.

00:03:07.000 And they've left Mr. Magoo, who, by the way, is getting thrown under the bust like Cuomo.

00:03:13.000 Just like the rats eating those kids in North Korea, the left are cannibalizing each other, and the white males are the first to go. 0.50

00:03:19.000 So they already killed Cuomo overnight.

00:03:22.000 That was so fast.

00:03:24.000 And now Joe Biden, his idea of leaving was just to get the troops out.

00:03:29.000 That's it.

00:03:30.000 So the troops have left, and the Taliban goes, not only am I going to take over all the land you spent, what, 800 billion in 20 years trying to procure, not only am I going to go take it over, I'm going to take all your shit too. 0.85

00:03:43.000 So they are doing a real insurrection.

00:03:47.000 Not an old lady wandering around, not guys taking selfies, not someone stealing a podium as a joke, but an actual takeover of the country, just like Iran in 79. 0.91

00:03:59.000 And it will be just as bad for the residents there.

00:04:02.000 But I don't care.

00:04:04.000 I don't fucking care.

00:04:06.000 You should care.

00:04:07.000 They're going to get stronger than they're going to come attack us.

00:04:09.000 Okay, we'll deal with that.

00:04:11.000 I have a feeling there'll be less American casualties than there have been in the past 20 years of being over there, up in their shitty fucking country. 0.94

00:04:20.000 These are inbreds.

00:04:22.000 The Taliban are inbred retards. 1.00

00:04:24.000 And one of the conditions of inbreeding is you're a violent asshole who like just cuts a dog's ears off for fun.

00:04:33.000 That's what they do.

00:04:34.000 That's who they are.

00:04:35.000 They take over a farm.

00:04:36.000 They just shoot the animals.

00:04:38.000 They'll shoot a donkey just for fun.

00:04:42.000 They're like, imagine, you know, when you're a seven-year-old and there's that weird seven-year-old who like takes a frog and pins it to a tree with two knives and then he's whipping knives at the frog.

00:04:53.000 And as a little kid, you sort of go, I got a weird vibe from that Donnie dude.

00:04:58.000 Ours was named Steve.

00:04:59.000 I won't say his last name.

00:05:00.000 He might still be alive.

00:05:02.000 But I remember him grabbing a garter snake.

00:05:03.000 We used to always catch snakes in Canada.

00:05:05.000 And he took the tongue, grabbed the tongue and pulled it out of the snake.

00:05:09.000 Like our bad one was I was like six and I was, I remember going, that's a bad man.

00:05:16.000 Yeah.

00:05:17.000 That's the Taliban. 0.93

00:05:18.000 What were you?

00:05:19.000 Our weird one would never do that.

00:05:20.000 Evan, he wouldn't do that.

00:05:22.000 He would just like do very mean things to people.

00:05:26.000 And then in high school, we had Clinton Bedecki, who we broke into the gym.

00:05:30.000 We were doing dumb things like pulling the gymnastic mats under the basketball hoops.

00:05:36.000 So then you could jump and do a flip off the basketball net onto the mat.

00:05:39.000 And as we're laughing, doing silly, harmless things that only put our own lives in jeopardy, Clinton grabs the school stereo.

00:05:46.000 This is in the 70s where there's like a stereo is a big deal.

00:05:49.000 He picks it up and he goes, and whips it off the stage onto the gym floor where it shatters into a million pieces.

00:05:55.000 And that was stereos were like really expensive back then.

00:06:00.000 In your living room, you had your TV and your stereo.

00:06:03.000 It was like your car.

00:06:05.000 People broke into your house to steal your stereo.

00:06:07.000 Your speakers alone were on a mortgage payment plan.

00:06:11.000 So we went, what the fuck?

00:06:14.000 And we ran out screaming.

00:06:18.000 But let's look at why we lost.

00:06:24.000 Go to the next picture.

00:06:25.000 While everyone is getting more and more savage, we are focused on this.

00:06:30.000 Diversity, inclusion, white rage, critical race theory, slavery, Jim Crow, transgender, LGBT.

00:06:40.000 Let's, instead of practicing fighting, let's work on our pronouns.

00:06:46.000 I'm an isolationist.

00:06:47.000 I've always wanted to get out of Afghanistan. 1.00

00:06:49.000 I don't know why we were there.

00:06:50.000 I'm very suspicious of why we're there.

00:06:52.000 I suspect CIA and globalists benefiting from opium sales.

00:06:56.000 I think it's about opium.

00:06:58.000 It's about heroin somewhere.

00:06:59.000 Someone's getting very rich off of heroin sales.

00:07:02.000 The military-industrial complex, of course, makes money from all the contractors, whatever, going down there, building all these stupid weapons.

00:07:09.000 But I don't want it.

00:07:11.000 However, there's ways that you can do this without total and utter chaos.

00:07:17.000 And we have total and utter chaos.

00:07:19.000 We have the worst president we've ever had.

00:07:21.000 Jimmy Carter just stepped down.

00:07:24.000 You're now in the number two spot of terrible.

00:07:28.000 And there's probably some at the beginning like that dude named Garfield who loved lasagna and hated Mondays.

00:07:36.000 Look at the class of people, though, that we're worrying about.

00:07:38.000 Like, we're trying to bring these people democracy.

00:07:41.000 They think you can jump on the side of a plane.

00:07:46.000 What do planes go?

00:07:47.000 I think they go 300 to 500 miles an hour.

00:07:50.000 It's not a hot air balloon.

00:07:52.000 Oh, I know.

00:07:53.000 You're thinking of a bus or a truck.

00:07:56.000 Yes.

00:07:57.000 You'll notice garbage men, they hold on to the side of the garbage truck and they do just fine.

00:08:03.000 I've never heard of a garbage man getting in an accident.

00:08:06.000 They hold on tight.

00:08:07.000 Planes are different.

00:08:09.000 You see, if we have anyone in the Middle East watching, let me just tell you what a plane does.

00:08:14.000 It goes slow at first, 10 miles an hour, but it very quickly accelerates to 100 miles an hour and it starts to lift off.

00:08:25.000 Then it climbs for, I think, about 35,000 feet.

00:08:30.000 At that point, it's going a good, in order to get that thing to not crash, it has to go very, very fast.

00:08:37.000 It has to whip through the air.

00:08:39.000 Look at these inbred morons.

00:08:43.000 Did some make it that high?

00:08:44.000 Oh my God.

00:08:47.000 Oh my God.

00:08:52.000 Like, that's just animals.

00:08:56.000 These are animals.

00:08:57.000 Dogs would jump on the side of a plane.

00:09:01.000 How.

00:09:03.000 And by the way, no one sat me down and said, you can't hang on to the edge of a plane.

00:09:08.000 Not once has anyone said that to me.

00:09:10.000 I figured it out.

00:09:12.000 All on my own.

00:09:14.000 That's how smart I am.

00:09:15.000 I sat there looking at a plane and went, I'm going to guess you can't hold on to the side of that.

00:09:20.000 You do some math first, maybe?

00:09:22.000 No, I didn't have to.

00:09:24.000 You didn't know math.

00:09:25.000 I just sat alone in an armchair and went, yeah, you're going to get blown off.

00:09:32.000 By the wind or something?

00:09:33.000 Yeah.

00:09:34.000 It's going to be pretty windy.

00:09:37.000 That's pretty smart.

00:09:39.000 I had to get out of paper and pen.

00:09:40.000 You mean, you see those stunt men, they strap themselves onto those little planes, right?

00:09:46.000 I assume, go a fraction of the speed.

00:09:49.000 And they're like, and they've got poles and steel and leather and belts and harnesses and goggles.

00:09:58.000 They're not just like, gotcha.

00:10:03.000 And another thing I've noticed about this shit show that is Kabul is they have a motto in this culture, and it's women and children last. 0.97

00:10:14.000 You'll notice it's 100% men.

00:10:16.000 I've noticed this with refugees too, and they go, they're just looking for a better place to live.

00:10:20.000 And you're like, where are the women and children?

00:10:22.000 These are all men of warfighting age.

00:10:26.000 I'm so weirded out by all the Americans there saying, our home was just ransacked and they slaughtered our dog and we can't get out.

00:10:34.000 Like, yeah, what did you think?

00:10:36.000 You're in Afghanistan.

00:10:39.000 Like, you might as well be in South Africa saying, we're under siege and we don't know what to do.

00:10:43.000 You're in South Africa.

00:10:44.000 I mean, I understand people want to stay and fight for their country like they do in South Africa, but surely you know that the talks are ticking.

00:10:54.000 Like that Diantward song where they say, we see a police block and we just power through it because we know the cops will kill us.

00:11:01.000 Look at that.

00:11:02.000 Women and children last. 1.00

00:11:04.000 Can I see your boarding pass, please, sir?

00:11:06.000 Oh, sorry, that's too big for carry-on.

00:11:08.000 You're going to have to check that.

00:11:11.000 I'm assuming there's not a lot of airport security going on here.

00:11:15.000 Look, just run and get on a plane.

00:11:21.000 What a nightmare.

00:11:24.000 I mean, that's in a lot of horror movies.

00:11:27.000 How many horror movies, sci-fi action movies have you seen where it's a man and his family?

00:11:32.000 It's zombie movies like that World War Z, and they're trying to get them on the boat, and they get separated from their family.

00:11:40.000 No, no.

00:11:41.000 They're in a shitty, scary action movie.

00:11:47.000 Go to 1-4.

00:11:50.000 This is the insurrection.

00:11:52.000 Insurrection is the order.

00:11:54.000 Yeah, I love this.

00:11:55.000 Twitter is so much better than the news.

00:11:57.000 Like, the New York Post right now, the front page on their website is those dummies we just saw.

00:12:04.000 I've seen those people hang on the plane since yesterday.

00:12:11.000 So Twitter is way faster.

00:12:14.000 If you look closely, you can spot the difference.

00:12:16.000 So there's the January 6th meandering.

00:12:18.000 Although I've heard that picture was from another day, but that's what the meandering looked like, right?

00:12:24.000 That's what it was.

00:12:24.000 That's the threat.

00:12:26.000 That's what, what's her name, AOC has PTSD from.

00:12:30.000 This is an insurrection.

00:12:32.000 Like, Nancy got her desk back.

00:12:34.000 No one's getting their desk back here.

00:12:37.000 You're done.

00:12:38.000 That's, look at my eyes.

00:12:40.000 This is my desk now.

00:12:42.000 I own this desk.

00:12:44.000 Look at these fucking animals.

00:12:46.000 Hey, nobody has their feet on that desk, though, to be fair.

00:12:49.000 Yeah, no feet on the desk.

00:12:50.000 There's no humor in the Middle East whatsoever. 1.00

00:12:53.000 Who's your favorite Taliban stand-up comedian?

00:12:58.000 Mitch Hedberg.

00:13:00.000 Mahachmed Mohammad Machin Mahmahad.

00:13:04.000 Mohammed Mohammed. 0.91

00:13:06.000 I made up a Mitch Hedberg bit.

00:13:08.000 Although they did crack up, did you see that interview that Weiss had?

00:13:11.000 Shoot, I forgot to put it in my notes.

00:13:14.000 Where she says, and this, I can send it to you if you can't find it.

00:13:17.000 This beautifully summarizes, it was on Showtime, the naivete of the West.

00:13:22.000 She says, so as you move forward, as the Taliban, this is, by the way, three days after Gen Saki said, the Taliban's going to have to work out what they want their place to be in the modern world and how they want to be perceived.

00:13:35.000 Yeah, they're really worried about how they're perceived.

00:13:39.000 They fucking, they're animals.

00:13:41.000 This is like Genghis Khan.

00:13:43.000 This is like the Crusades.

00:13:44.000 These are just warrior, mongrel, pig, inbred lunatics who want to eat babies. 0.98

00:13:52.000 Here it is.

00:13:52.000 Look at this.

00:13:53.000 This sums it up.

00:13:55.000 Would that still include women's rights and a democracy? 0.89

00:14:04.000 So would you believe in the democratic vote, though?

00:14:06.000 So would people be allowed to vote in women, politicians? 1.00

00:14:12.000 See, I guess they do have sense of humor.

00:14:16.000 Their jokes are us.

00:14:17.000 We are the joke.

00:14:19.000 We are the laughing stock.

00:14:22.000 Would you have, yeah, would you have a trans leader, Taliban? 0.66

00:14:25.000 I think I could get beheaded just for saying that.

00:14:28.000 Hey, Taliban, would you ever have a trans leader?

00:14:36.000 Yeah, this is not a meandering.

00:14:37.000 Go to 1-5.

00:14:45.000 There we go.

00:14:46.000 They're there to stay.

00:14:50.000 And I don't care.

00:14:51.000 I mean, it's sad.

00:14:52.000 Trump would have had a much more effective way to leave.

00:14:55.000 We wouldn't be leaving them weapons.

00:14:57.000 They'd get some better dictator, maybe throw him in there, give him some guns, and say, blow up the Taliban with this.

00:15:04.000 We're out.

00:15:05.000 And we wouldn't see the same level of death and destruction.

00:15:08.000 But I don't care.

00:15:09.000 I don't care about the third world. 1.00

00:15:11.000 Go ahead.

00:15:12.000 It's sad that Iran used to be like us in the 60s and 70s, and now they're like this. 1.00

00:15:18.000 But I don't care about Iran. 0.81

00:15:20.000 Biden wanted to delay Trump's date for getting out of Afghanistan, but then he would have gotten the credit for it.

00:15:29.000 So Biden said, oh, let's just push it back.

00:15:31.000 And that delegitimized the Afghanistan government.

00:15:34.000 So the Taliban used that to go to the different tribes and be like, look, they fucking, nobody respects the government.

00:15:39.000 They fucking pushed the date back.

00:15:40.000 They had an agreement.

00:15:41.000 And Trump knows the Easter of the Asian world. 0.54

00:15:45.000 And that means a lot.

00:15:48.000 All they care about is strengths.

00:15:49.000 Like when SACI says they have to see what their place is going to be.

00:15:54.000 The Arab world, this includes Palestinians, everything.

00:15:56.000 All they care about is strength.

00:15:58.000 Including admiring you for attacking them.

00:16:02.000 You blow up a base, they go, hmm, not bad.

00:16:06.000 They're like boxers.

00:16:07.000 You punch them in the face and they go, good punch. 0.78

00:16:09.000 Oh, I've got a fight coming up, by the way.

00:16:11.000 No.

00:16:12.000 Yeah, I'm going to try to get into the seniors.

00:16:14.000 I forget what it's called.

00:16:16.000 It's called like the seniors Commonwealth. 0.62

00:16:18.000 No.

00:16:19.000 I'll be the youngest guy there.

00:16:22.000 So I'll just be fighting Santa Claus.

00:16:26.000 That is funny.

00:16:27.000 Praying that he didn't.

00:16:29.000 I don't know what's more shameful, having to be in a seniors boxing thing or being the youngest guy in the seniors boxing thing.

00:16:35.000 Hey, the two are not mutually exclusive.

00:16:37.000 They're both very embarrassing.

00:16:41.000 But I'm not fighting some fucking 20-year-old and getting pugilistic dementia.

00:16:47.000 I'm giving somebody pugilistic dementia.

00:16:52.000 I'm hoping to cure his dementia.

00:16:54.000 I might reset his hard drive.

00:16:56.000 He might be like, I can recognize my kids all of a sudden.

00:16:59.000 Thank you.

00:17:02.000 1-6, though.

00:17:04.000 Not to say that there's no meandering going on.

00:17:06.000 That's the beauty of taking over a palace.

00:17:08.000 You can be violent.

00:17:10.000 You sit at the desk forever.

00:17:11.000 And you also fug around.

00:17:15.000 By the way, this shows how low their IQ is.

00:17:18.000 Look at them.

00:17:19.000 Look at this guy on this machine.

00:17:21.000 Oh, I'm going backwards.

00:17:22.000 He doesn't even have his hands on the right thing.

00:17:26.000 And just like the planes thing, no one taught me how to use those things.

00:17:30.000 I didn't take a night course.

00:17:32.000 I just figured it out.

00:17:34.000 That guy's going to hurt himself very badly with that barbell.

00:17:38.000 He's going to throw this back lounge.

00:17:39.000 Pretty quick.

00:17:40.000 Look at his little pencil arms.

00:17:46.000 This probably goes like this.

00:17:48.000 They got that one right.

00:17:53.000 You probably hang on this or something.

00:17:54.000 What do you do here?

00:17:57.000 That was my favorite part.

00:18:00.000 That one is your fave?

00:18:02.000 But he's doing it right, isn't he?

00:18:03.000 He's got a good amount of weight.

00:18:05.000 No, that guy's fine.

00:18:06.000 This guy right here.

00:18:08.000 Yeah.

00:18:10.000 Oh, that's.

00:18:13.000 I have to drink my eggs.

00:18:14.000 That just reminded me.

00:18:15.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:16.000 You're getting swole.

00:18:17.000 I'm trying.

00:18:18.000 Is that because I threaten you so much?

00:18:20.000 You're scared of me?

00:18:21.000 No, to defend you against any.

00:18:23.000 I'm basically your bodyguard.

00:18:24.000 If we're going out, if we go do something, I want to make sure my...

00:18:29.000 You're the cash cow.

00:18:30.000 But look, I don't look like me anymore.

00:18:32.000 My hair is on vacation.

00:18:33.000 My hair and beard grew out.

00:18:34.000 I didn't recognize you.

00:18:35.000 I'm Santa's friend.

00:18:38.000 Mark.

00:18:38.000 Understudy.

00:18:40.000 I'm Santa's accountant.

00:18:42.000 Yeah, I'm Santa's top investor.

00:18:45.000 So, Santa, what you're going to want to do is you spend a lot of money on wood, and the elves, of course, are going to raise their salary.

00:18:51.000 But I think if you take back the wood, you're looking at carbon fiber, maybe some of the...

00:18:54.000 We don't pay the elves at all.

00:18:56.000 That sucks.

00:18:57.000 It's their culture.

00:18:58.000 This is pretty tough.

00:18:58.000 Have you ever done this before?

00:19:00.000 Yeah, I remember doing that when I was a kid.

00:19:02.000 It doesn't suck that bad.

00:19:03.000 By kid, I mean your age.

00:19:05.000 But you just try to.

00:19:06.000 It's fine.

00:19:06.000 They just slither down.

00:19:09.000 It's not like it's juicy.

00:19:13.000 So you do swallow.

00:19:15.000 Oh, there's a few gags there.

00:19:17.000 You like that chicken jizz?

00:19:20.000 You just ate chicken abortions. 0.99

00:19:22.000 It's just that it was cold.

00:19:24.000 You wouldn't believe how often in Costa Rica I saw a chicken cross the road.

00:19:28.000 Actually.

00:19:29.000 And it was doing it to get to the other side.

00:19:31.000 And then my son, my eldest boy, goes, you know what that joke's really about?

00:19:34.000 He knows he's going to get killed crossing the road.

00:19:36.000 He's crossing to the other side.

00:19:38.000 Like Tess.

00:19:40.000 it's a suicide joke.

00:19:41.000 Whoa.

00:19:43.000 Okay.

00:19:44.000 Wait, that's a dope take, though.

00:19:46.000 I made up a Mitch Hedberg.

00:19:48.000 Did I tell you?

00:19:48.000 You want to hear it?

00:19:49.000 No, yeah.

00:19:50.000 So I was, you know, talking to my friend.

00:19:53.000 I was like, make up a Mitch Hedberg joke.

00:19:54.000 He's like, that's pretty hard.

00:19:56.000 And I was like, I got one.

00:19:57.000 And I was on a bed, and I was like, so you cannot take the tag off of the mattress or you will get in trouble.

00:20:04.000 Well, if you are trying to get me in trouble and you are looking at my bed, you are not invited in my room.

00:20:11.000 And then it's like, they took me to jail, and the mattress I was on had no tag.

00:20:17.000 I think I know how the bed got there because it had no tag.

00:20:22.000 And so if you have no tag, then you also go to jail.

00:20:25.000 It's a little bit too complicated.

00:20:26.000 Mitch Hedberg has jokes that kids can enjoy.

00:20:29.000 Like, a bed is a chair for when you're tired.

00:20:35.000 That's pretty true.

00:20:36.000 A bed is a long chair that's very wide.

00:20:40.000 It needs some trimming.

00:20:42.000 If you are trying to get me in trouble by the condition of my bed, then you are not invited in my room.

00:20:48.000 That's basically it.

00:20:48.000 That should just be the end there.

00:20:52.000 What about like the first bed?

00:20:55.000 The man who made the first bed slept in a lot.

00:20:58.000 No, that's not good.

00:21:05.000 What is a box spring?

00:21:06.000 Why does a bed need to lie on a bed?

00:21:09.000 No, why does a bed need to lie on a less comfortable bed?

00:21:12.000 Even a bed needs a bed.

00:21:14.000 A box spring is a bed for a bed.

00:21:17.000 A box spring is not whatever Paul Bazio used it for.

00:21:21.000 A pillow is a head bed.

00:21:24.000 A pillow is just a bed for your head.

00:21:26.000 Hey.

00:21:26.000 Now I'm sounding black for your head.

00:21:28.000 Who is this clown, by the way?

00:21:30.000 I'm me.

00:21:30.000 I'm you.

00:21:31.000 What?

00:21:31.000 I want to talk about my vacation.

00:21:33.000 No, I'm doing my news show.

00:21:34.000 We're catching people up.

00:21:36.000 Kabul has fallen.

00:21:37.000 You know how in the 50s, when you came, or the 60s, I don't know, the 80s, when you came back from a trip, you'd have a slideshow.

00:21:44.000 Chikung, chikung, you'd have slides, and you'd show the neighbors your trip. 0.99

00:21:47.000 No.

00:21:48.000 I want to do that, because I was gone for a long time.

00:21:52.000 Okay, fine.

00:21:54.000 Make it snappy, though.

00:21:55.000 Thank you.

00:21:55.000 No one wants to see vacation pics.

00:21:58.000 Hello, folks.

00:21:59.000 I just got back from Costa Rica, and we usually go to Jamaica, but this time we decided to Costa Rica.

00:22:05.000 What's that fucking thing?

00:22:08.000 Stop getting alerts when we're shooting.

00:22:10.000 It's obviously distracting.

00:22:12.000 It's designed to distract.

00:22:14.000 It's a notification.

00:22:16.000 I just scared the dog.

00:22:17.000 We have the dog at the studio today.

00:22:19.000 Leroy, come here.

00:22:20.000 Come here, buddy.

00:22:22.000 Come here.

00:22:23.000 Come here.

00:22:24.000 Come here.

00:22:25.000 Come here.

00:22:26.000 Come here.

00:22:30.000 There you go.

00:22:37.000 So I broke it down into some different groups, but before we get started, I just want to say that traveling in America in 2021 sucks so much shit.

00:22:52.000 Especially in America, especially in New York City, and especially JFK.

00:23:00.000 It is the shittiest airport.

00:23:02.000 Well, it's not as bad as Kabul, but it's one of the shittiest airports in the world.

00:23:07.000 It's third world.

00:23:08.000 And ironically, when I was in Costa Rica, San Jose Airport, Liberia Airport, which was the one we left from, it was like Zurich.

00:23:19.000 I was in the future.

00:23:20.000 I thought I was in the Jetsons.

00:23:21.000 It could not have been better.

00:23:23.000 Couldn't have been more efficient.

00:23:25.000 We are getting our asses handed to us by the third world. 1.00

00:23:29.000 Costa Rica, the average salary for middle-class person is $700 a month.

00:23:34.000 Working class people is more like $300, $400 a month.

00:23:38.000 It's a poor country and they are kicking our ass.

00:23:41.000 And I've got to say, I want to word this delicately because we live in very contentious times racially, but there was a particular demographic at the airports that I was having quite a few issues with.

00:23:58.000 I got a picture of one of the guys.

00:24:00.000 I lost a picture, which I don't understand.

00:24:03.000 I think sometimes if you take a picture and you just text it right away, it's not saved to your photos.

00:24:09.000 So there was one guy who was in the lineup at JFK to check his bags.

00:24:17.000 This isn't the guy.

00:24:18.000 This is a picture I didn't lose.

00:24:19.000 But this is just, no, no, go back to him.

00:24:22.000 This is just an annoying dude.

00:24:24.000 He's got a suit on with white socks and slides and a baseball hat and a backpack.

00:24:31.000 Like, don't even have a backpack when you have a suit, but you're traveling.

00:24:34.000 I'll forgive this.

00:24:35.000 The baseball hat with the suit.

00:24:37.000 What?

00:24:38.000 And then slides.

00:24:39.000 So he's like seven different outfits.

00:24:41.000 And what you can't see here is he has a shirt like this on underneath his suit.

00:24:47.000 And it's, of course, it's double-breasted because he's retarded. 1.00

00:24:50.000 But this was the same line.

00:24:51.000 So let me go back.

00:24:52.000 Let me go back.

00:24:52.000 So it's the night before.

00:24:54.000 And I wake up at three and I just got a bad feeling.

00:25:00.000 We're actually at the TWA Hotel, which is really nice.

00:25:03.000 I'll get to that in a second.

00:25:06.000 It's a 60s-themed hotel at JFK, which is awesome, except that the drinks are $22.

00:25:14.000 So you get a double, it's $40.

00:25:17.000 You get a buzz, it's $200 to get drunk.

00:25:20.000 That was indicative of my entire trip, by the way.

00:25:23.000 There's a TWA hotel.

00:25:25.000 It was a gift from some fancy billionaire friends.

00:25:29.000 And I wanted to go on an RV trip.

00:25:31.000 My wife said, no, we're taking that fucking gift. 1.00

00:25:34.000 And I was like, okay, it's still expensive, though.

00:25:37.000 Because every drink is like 22.

00:25:40.000 Every meal is like 200.

00:25:41.000 By the time you get the actual bill, it's like five grand in bullshit costs.

00:25:47.000 So a free vacation from rich people is a very expensive vacation.

00:25:51.000 I'm not looking giftos in the mouth, and I appreciate the gift very much, but it was very pricey.

00:25:58.000 Anyway, so we're at this hotel because we were coming back from Cooperstown, and it was a very early flight, so we wanted to, you know, be comfortable, not have to rush.

00:26:07.000 And I woke up at like three and I thought, this was organized by the rich person's travel agent and my wife.

00:26:14.000 Those are both broads.

00:26:15.000 Shit's going to fuck up.

00:26:16.000 I got a bad feeling.

00:26:18.000 And I'm in JFK, which is in the Bronx, which is totally populated.

00:26:22.000 Everyone who works there is Puerto Rican, Honduran, black, and they don't like people. 1.00

00:26:27.000 They don't like America.

00:26:29.000 They resent having to be there.

00:26:32.000 And they don't like white people.

00:26:33.000 Generally, I find that's the vibe you get there.

00:26:36.000 And this airport's always been corrupt.

00:26:38.000 I remember years ago, I bought a neck pillow there.

00:26:41.000 And it was an East Indian woman, the Bindi.

00:26:45.000 And she took the money.

00:26:47.000 And as I was walking out, I saw my peripheral vision.

00:26:50.000 I saw her pocketing it.

00:26:53.000 Now, it's not the end of the world.

00:26:54.000 It's like 10, 20 bucks.

00:26:57.000 But clearly she's a criminal. 1.00

00:26:59.000 Clearly, she's corrupt. 1.00

00:27:00.000 And she's working in the most high-security place in the surrounding area in New York.

00:27:07.000 So we're allowing petty thieves to work there.

00:27:10.000 Now, I know they can't screen for that, but it just, it's indicative of the culture of that shitty fucking airport.

00:27:17.000 Anyway, so I'm sleeping here and beautiful, of course.

00:27:22.000 Show more pictures of it?

00:27:25.000 I can send you a home.

00:27:26.000 This is not from the catalog.

00:27:29.000 My wife took this.

00:27:30.000 Isn't that insane?

00:27:32.000 It's like a spaceship.

00:27:36.000 It's a better time for America, the early 60s. 1.00

00:27:40.000 Martin Luther King hadn't been assassinated yet.

00:27:42.000 We were still friends.

00:27:45.000 Yeah, it's beautiful.

00:27:46.000 There's my son.

00:27:48.000 And it's got all these old-timey cars there.

00:27:52.000 That coffee is probably like $9.

00:27:53.000 There's a little twister-themed room.

00:27:55.000 Everything is specifically 1963.

00:27:57.000 That's Howard Hughes' office.

00:28:01.000 There's a fake plane.

00:28:02.000 It's a real plane, but you go do photo shoots there.

00:28:05.000 Those are my kids.

00:28:06.000 And then the roof is a pool, which you have to book in advance, and it's $50 to go to the pool at the hotel.

00:28:13.000 What?

00:28:13.000 And go buy some $22 drinks.

00:28:16.000 Dude, I've spent this past three weeks on bourbon alone, probably $2,000.

00:28:22.000 And that's even cutting corners.

00:28:23.000 At one resort, I go, hi, I have to get some special contact lens solution.

00:28:31.000 Can you drive me into town into Liberia from the four seasons in Papagayo?

00:28:36.000 And she goes, okay, we can call you a taxi, but it'll take an hour because it's coming from Liberia.

00:28:40.000 By the way, stupidest name for a Costa Rican city everywhere, Liberia?

00:28:44.000 That's what they call that African place in, I mean, that freed slave country in Africa where the slaves from America went to repatriate and they fucked up and it's another shithole just like every other country in Africa. 1.00

00:28:57.000 To name your country in Costa Rica that name?

00:28:59.000 Anyway, she goes, that'll be like $350.

00:29:05.000 Pardone?

00:29:06.000 $350 fucking dollars?

00:29:10.000 At this resort, 20s were 100s.

00:29:12.000 That's the only way you could get through it.

00:29:13.000 So then I go, okay, what about a boat?

00:29:15.000 Can I just get a boat?

00:29:17.000 I can see that it's called Cocoa Beach, and it's a non-touristy local shithole where I know I can buy booze for cheap.

00:29:23.000 And she goes, yeah, you can get a boat and be like $320 plus tax.

00:29:27.000 Why don't I buy a fucking boat for $100, you bitch? 1.00

00:29:32.000 So I ended up finding some Ticos and paying them $50 to drive me with promise of tips. 0.99

00:29:39.000 And we went to the other side, the Cocoa Beach.

00:29:43.000 And then I just went to their grocery store and I bought 200 pounds of booze.

00:29:47.000 Shit, I don't even like.

00:29:48.000 I bought tequila.

00:29:49.000 I bought rum.

00:29:51.000 I bought fucking, they didn't have Maker's Mark.

00:29:53.000 What was the rum?

00:29:54.000 It was bullet.

00:29:55.000 That'll do.

00:29:56.000 And so I was carrying this box of booze, walking through the town.

00:29:59.000 It weighed so much that my back started to hurt, not even my arms.

00:30:03.000 And we took that back in the boat and I had to smuggle it into the hotel.

00:30:07.000 They do this on Disney cruises too.

00:30:09.000 They don't let you have to smuggle in booze.

00:30:11.000 And then if you bring it to the dinner, they charge you a bottle opening fee.

00:30:15.000 So I'm sneaking in and then this couple stops me because they see me with this huge box.

00:30:18.000 And they're like, oh, did you catch a fish?

00:30:21.000 Is that an iced fish in there?

00:30:22.000 And I'm like, no, fuck off.

00:30:27.000 I didn't speak to anyone there because I didn't want anyone to know it was me and start some hullabaloo.

00:30:32.000 So I was very mean, secretive.

00:30:34.000 I even told one couple to go fuck. 1.00

00:30:37.000 Va fut, as we say in French.

00:30:39.000 We were at the hotel and I could see this couple having a conversation.

00:30:44.000 I'd just gone out for something to eat with my daughter.

00:30:48.000 And so we're eavesdropping on them.

00:30:50.000 And it's the same old conversation you always hear when you eavesdrop.

00:30:54.000 It's boring.

00:30:55.000 And it's always the dude talking about how he's underappreciated at work.

00:30:59.000 And they both work together.

00:31:00.000 I assume the work paid for the vacation.

00:31:03.000 And so they're sitting there.

00:31:04.000 And he's like, yeah, I mean, if they just get out of my way, if they just let me do the project.

00:31:08.000 And that's the problem with HR is they're always going to Dan and talking about how we can move forward.

00:31:13.000 And then we've got to fill out the paperwork in the B3 forms.

00:31:16.000 And it just slows down the project.

00:31:18.000 And with that other, with that CCS thing, and it's like, and she goes, yeah, just let you do it.

00:31:24.000 And he goes, I'm the best at it.

00:31:25.000 I'm the best.

00:31:25.000 Then there, they know it.

00:31:27.000 So he's licking his own ass.

00:31:29.000 She's agreeing with him.

00:31:30.000 And I'm waiting for the moment.

00:31:32.000 They're both married, I think.

00:31:33.000 So my daughter goes, this is boring.

00:31:35.000 They're both married.

00:31:35.000 They're not going to do anything.

00:31:36.000 So she goes into the hotel.

00:31:38.000 I'm on the balcony above them.

00:31:40.000 And I'm not visible.

00:31:44.000 And it's going and going.

00:31:45.000 And it's been like half an hour.

00:31:48.000 They've been talking about work.

00:31:50.000 And so without showing my face, I just said, ah, just fuck her already. 1.00

00:31:55.000 No one cares about work that much.

00:31:58.000 And then I tiptoed back into my room.

00:32:00.000 And as I was tiptoing back, I heard him say, oh, that's very nice.

00:32:04.000 Very nice.

00:32:06.000 But I gave you half an hour.

00:32:07.000 I was excited about the segue.

00:32:10.000 Because you know they want to cheat.

00:32:12.000 So I was waiting for him to say something like, so my room is pretty small.

00:32:18.000 What does yours look like?

00:32:19.000 And she'll say, oh, it's small too.

00:32:21.000 Oh, really?

00:32:21.000 Like, what is it?

00:32:22.000 She goes, yeah, do you want to see?

00:32:23.000 Maybe that would be, I thought that would be fun.

00:32:26.000 And then hear them tiptoeing off.

00:32:28.000 So I don't know if they fucked.

00:32:29.000 Sorry about that.

00:32:30.000 Anyway, I'm all over the map here.

00:32:32.000 I haven't done this for weeks, so it's going to be rusty.

00:32:34.000 God, these pit vipers hurt your nose.

00:32:37.000 I saw a pit viper when I was there.

00:32:39.000 I have a picture I'll show you in a second.

00:32:41.000 But anyway, so I'm at that TWA hotel.

00:32:45.000 Bad feelings.

00:32:46.000 Oh, that's the bar.

00:32:47.000 That's the bar where you can get a pretty good buzz for $200.

00:32:51.000 Speaking of black privilege, I saw this black bartender.

00:32:54.000 This was later on at night.

00:32:55.000 And we're all sitting there spending a fucking fortune.

00:32:58.000 You're hearing a Scottish person's trip, so there's going to be a lot of talk of the cost of things.

00:33:03.000 And this black couple came in.

00:33:05.000 Very traveling right now.

00:33:06.000 Things are cheap.

00:33:07.000 They're not busy.

00:33:08.000 There's a disproportionate number of non-wealthy African Americans.

00:33:14.000 So they come down there in their shower shoes and their gold chains and their strange dress, their shower hats.

00:33:20.000 They're really into crocs these days.

00:33:23.000 And they get two expensive drinks.

00:33:24.000 And I'm like, oh, I guess they got some money.

00:33:26.000 No charge.

00:33:27.000 They go back.

00:33:28.000 They walk off.

00:33:29.000 It's free.

00:33:30.000 It's the fucking White Like Me sketch that was on SNL with Eddie Murphy, but in reverse.

00:33:36.000 And black people get this magical world.

00:33:39.000 And I think I know why.

00:33:41.000 Anyway, so my wife goes, uh-oh, this is at 5? 0.87

00:33:47.000 She goes, uh-oh.

00:33:48.000 You seem to be on a different flight.

00:33:50.000 Your flight's at 6.

00:33:53.000 No problem.

00:33:54.000 It's 5 a.m.

00:33:55.000 I guess I'll get on a 6 a.m. flight.

00:33:57.000 I mean, we're at the airport, but still, you need an hour to check your bags.

00:34:01.000 So I run, but I want to be on their flight, right?

00:34:04.000 So I run there.

00:34:05.000 I try to check in.

00:34:07.000 They go, oh, there's a problem.

00:34:08.000 It's late.

00:34:09.000 You have to check your bags.

00:34:10.000 Like, you have to line up.

00:34:12.000 And I'm like, you know what?

00:34:14.000 I could just grab this and make it carry on because it's a Filson, like a duffel bag.

00:34:18.000 I probably could scrunch it and get on this flight, but I want to be with my family.

00:34:22.000 So I'm not going to use my usual Gavin hustle and run through security.

00:34:27.000 I'm going to go line up.

00:34:28.000 I got a whole hour and then I'll be in the same flight as them.

00:34:32.000 I get in the lineup when that's the douche I just showed you in the suit. 1.00

00:34:36.000 It is moving at a shocking pace where you start doing the math and you're like, wait a minute, I've moved one person every 15 to 20 minutes.

00:34:48.000 There's about 20 people in front of me.

00:34:51.000 I'm going to be here for fucking ever.

00:34:54.000 And then, so there's only three people working here.

00:34:56.000 Then there's some guy.

00:34:58.000 He's trying to check in and I see this, the flight attendant, whatever you call her, the checkout gal go, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:35:04.000 Why?

00:35:05.000 Because he has a TV that's as tall as me that he wants to check.

00:35:11.000 What are you doing?

00:35:12.000 First of all, why didn't you just have that shipped to your door?

00:35:15.000 Secondly, this isn't a shipping, this is not FedEx.

00:35:20.000 And with that TV, he also has a box, a big box.

00:35:26.000 Like a four by four box.

00:35:30.000 Why does he have that?

00:35:31.000 Why don't you have luggage?

00:35:32.000 What did you pack?

00:35:33.000 What's that big square?

00:35:35.000 And this is what really annoyed me.

00:35:37.000 He's with his mother.

00:35:38.000 He's probably 35, 40.

00:35:40.000 He's with his mother.

00:35:41.000 She looks like she's 60 or something.

00:35:42.000 Why are you with your mother?

00:35:44.000 Like, I've traveled with my parents before.

00:35:47.000 My parents are together.

00:35:50.000 But if I was to travel, I could travel with my, if my dad died, I could travel with my family and my mom.

00:35:56.000 But just one man and his mother, it just reeks of shattered families and people who don't know what they're doing.

00:36:02.000 He doesn't have a family.

00:36:04.000 Her baby daddy, his dad's long gone.

00:36:06.000 It's just a mess.

00:36:08.000 If you're hanging out with your mom when you're 40, you're a fuck up, especially if you're traveling.

00:36:12.000 And don't bring your TV.

00:36:13.000 So anyway, out of the three people that can take tickets, this asshole just clogged up the game, the works with his stupid TV.

00:36:21.000 I was in the line for an hour and a half.

00:36:23.000 He was in that lineup the entire fucking time.

00:36:26.000 I mean, he was hogging that one woman.

00:36:28.000 And then there's this other fucking Honduran chick who was totally incompetent. 1.00

00:36:31.000 She was, there was this one, I don't know, Asian Jewish chick or something at the end there. 1.00

00:36:36.000 She was the one we wanted.

00:36:38.000 She was going through them like a hot knife through butter.

00:36:42.000 So I'm finally getting close there.

00:36:43.000 I befriended some Orthodox Jews with Yamakas, and we're sort of planning this. 0.77

00:36:48.000 This was like Auschwitz, where we're planning our escape, and we're talking about how we have to get to her. 0.82

00:36:54.000 And then one of the Orthodox Jews is like, all right, she starts maneuvering people. 1.00

00:36:59.000 Like, she's ready over there.

00:37:00.000 You, you're ready, which does help.

00:37:02.000 It buys us like a good 30 seconds per exchange.

00:37:07.000 It adds up.

00:37:09.000 Meanwhile, I'm worried about missing this next flight at this point.

00:37:14.000 And I'm not, I, did I check my bag?

00:37:18.000 I can't check my bag.

00:37:19.000 By the time I get there, I've missed another check-in, right?

00:37:23.000 Never wait in the line, ever.

00:37:26.000 If you want to check bags, don't.

00:37:27.000 If you must check bags, then do the kiosk thing.

00:37:32.000 Never wait in the line at JFK.

00:37:33.000 You'll die there of old age.

00:37:36.000 So I'm right there.

00:37:37.000 I'm finally there.

00:37:38.000 I have an erection.

00:37:39.000 I've been waiting so long.

00:37:41.000 Nine Hondurans show up.

00:37:44.000 And guess who helps them?

00:37:45.000 The Honduran lady I just told you about.

00:37:47.000 She goes, oh, why'd you guys wait so late?

00:37:50.000 Hi, honey.

00:37:51.000 She's kissing them all.

00:37:51.000 It's a ground.

00:37:52.000 Who travels in a group of nine?

00:37:54.000 I'm sick of these big groups.

00:37:56.000 Like these people who book a table for 10 or 20 at a restaurant.

00:38:00.000 Fuck off.

00:38:01.000 You shouldn't be more than five people maxed.

00:38:04.000 Five is crazy.

00:38:05.000 Four is the max.

00:38:08.000 I'm not happy about it.

00:38:08.000 Three is normal.

00:38:11.000 Two to three is normal.

00:38:12.000 Nine, ten.

00:38:13.000 You're traveling in a group of nine?

00:38:14.000 Isn't that everyone you know?

00:38:16.000 I don't think I have nine people that I'd want to travel with.

00:38:19.000 Anyway, they show up, kids, grandmas.

00:38:22.000 They have fucking bags like the size of that flat screen TV I told you about.

00:38:27.000 Bag after every single person has all of their clothes.

00:38:30.000 I swear to God, like an entire wardrobe.

00:38:33.000 So that's that tell her gone.

00:38:34.000 We're fucked.

00:38:35.000 We're down to just the cool one.

00:38:36.000 So I get there.

00:38:38.000 I check in, blah, blah, blah.

00:38:39.000 They start giving me shit about COVID, vaccination.

00:38:43.000 Now, here's where the incompetence is to your favor.

00:38:46.000 I just start bamboozling them saying, no, no, it's here.

00:38:48.000 No, I showed you the thing.

00:38:49.000 And she goes, I need this website.

00:38:51.000 You're just showing me a picture of a printout.

00:38:53.000 Like they could be forged, I guess.

00:38:55.000 And I'm like, no, no, here's the thing.

00:38:56.000 And I talk to the guy and she's just like, oh, fuck, for fuck's sakes. 1.00

00:39:00.000 And she just goes, yeah, fine.

00:39:02.000 And lets me go.

00:39:03.000 So then I'm in security.

00:39:04.000 I've never done this before.

00:39:06.000 You know what I did in security?

00:39:07.000 Long lineup.

00:39:08.000 I'm going to miss the flight.

00:39:09.000 I'm going to miss my family.

00:39:10.000 My family's already like boarding the plane.

00:39:12.000 I just go, excuse me.

00:39:17.000 I just, I did something that I hate.

00:39:21.000 I said, I am very sorry.

00:39:23.000 My plane is boarding.

00:39:24.000 I'm going to miss it.

00:39:24.000 My family's there.

00:39:25.000 I got to get on.

00:39:26.000 And I just butted the entire line.

00:39:28.000 Now, this is ironic because my biggest beef about traveling is that these butters.

00:39:34.000 But I had an excuse.

00:39:36.000 Or maybe you don't like my excuse.

00:39:38.000 Maybe you should think, fuck me.

00:39:39.000 And I'm totally open to that because I became a line Nazi after perpetrating that crime. 0.90

00:39:49.000 This is hypocrisy you're seeing here, folks.

00:39:51.000 So I pushed through, got through security.

00:39:54.000 I've got my big duffel bag, but I can scrunch it.

00:39:56.000 And I run like a son of a bitch, sweating like a pig.

00:40:00.000 I finally get to the gate.

00:40:02.000 I'm just about to miss it.

00:40:03.000 I get on.

00:40:05.000 I'm not sitting with them.

00:40:06.000 I have to smash my bag into first class.

00:40:10.000 Sit down.

00:40:11.000 Fuf.

00:40:12.000 All right.

00:40:12.000 We're doing well.

00:40:13.000 And I'm on the right flight.

00:40:16.000 If I had got the earlier flight, well, you're about to see that.

00:40:18.000 So then we get to Miami.

00:40:20.000 It's a connection.

00:40:23.000 Entire flight is canceled.

00:40:26.000 So then we have to go line up to get a new flight.

00:40:30.000 Oh, that's a guy taking a nap in the 60s at the TWA.

00:40:36.000 So then we have to line up for four hours for a new plane to get new tickets, brand new tickets with all our luggage.

00:40:43.000 We have to go get our luggage and wait for it.

00:40:47.000 Oh, no, sorry.

00:40:47.000 The luggage went on to Costa Rica and it was lost, of course.

00:40:51.000 My daughter and my son's luggage.

00:40:53.000 We got ours.

00:40:55.000 So then I'm lining up for four hours.

00:40:56.000 My wife and I took shifts.

00:40:57.000 I went and got drunk.

00:40:58.000 I met some cool lady, spent, you know, a million dollars on booze. 1.00

00:41:01.000 Met some cool lady and we talked about Trump.

00:41:05.000 She hates him.

00:41:07.000 And I didn't let it go who I was and how much I love him, although I was recognized in that bar.

00:41:13.000 So then I come back and wait in line.

00:41:18.000 And then this woman just, she sits down in the line, right at the end of the line. 0.85

00:41:24.000 Now, the girl you just showed there, go back, the black girl. 1.00

00:41:31.000 Yeah.

00:41:32.000 So I see her skip the entire line and go talk to him.

00:41:35.000 And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:41:37.000 So I walk over to her. 0.67

00:41:38.000 And by the way, when I skipped that line in security, I didn't inconvenience anyone.

00:41:43.000 And they'd only been waiting there for 20 minutes.

00:41:45.000 This was a four-hour lineup.

00:41:47.000 It's a big fucking deal.

00:41:48.000 People were dying of old age.

00:41:50.000 So I go over to her and I go, what's going on here?

00:41:53.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:41:54.000 You're not going in front of us.

00:41:55.000 And then he said, no, it's okay.

00:41:56.000 She had the wrong ticket.

00:41:57.000 I gave her the wrong ticket.

00:41:58.000 All right.

00:41:59.000 So she was innocent.

00:42:03.000 So then I say to the woman who butts, I go, what the hell are you doing here? 1.00

00:42:07.000 And she goes, I got to get back to my kids.

00:42:09.000 And I go, we all have kids.

00:42:11.000 We all have to get back to our kids.

00:42:14.000 And she still keeps sitting there.

00:42:15.000 And I noticed that the reason I know she exists, because she was behind me, is I heard some Asian dudes yelling with her boyfriend, saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because they already objected to that.

00:42:25.000 And then she was trying to get the boyfriend to come down. 1.00

00:42:27.000 He wanted to fight them.

00:42:28.000 That's nice at an airport.

00:42:31.000 So now my, and they didn't win the Asian guys.

00:42:35.000 She's still, I think she's behind.

00:42:37.000 No, she's in front of them. 0.88

00:42:38.000 And they give it up.

00:42:39.000 I go, you're not going to give up on this, are you?

00:42:41.000 And then that's when she says she has to get back to her kids.

00:42:44.000 And I go, no, it doesn't work like that.

00:42:46.000 We've all been lining up here for hours and hours.

00:42:49.000 It looked like something out of Russia, too.

00:42:51.000 You could see, I don't want to say a quarter mile, but like a lot of fucking people, like bigger than your house length.

00:43:01.000 Imagine a lineup twice around your house.

00:43:04.000 That's what it was.

00:43:05.000 So I go, I come with this new thing.

00:43:09.000 And I go, you don't understand.

00:43:13.000 We all wait in line.

00:43:14.000 And then I said this line and it's really effective and I highly recommend it.

00:43:17.000 I go, it's called a society, right?

00:43:23.000 Soon after that, she gave up.

00:43:25.000 She was gone.

00:43:26.000 She grabbed her bag and started running and he ran chasing her.

00:43:29.000 I don't know what the hell she did. 0.99

00:43:30.000 Maybe she bought another flight on orbits.

00:43:32.000 That's what I should have done, by the way.

00:43:33.000 It's just gone on my phone and bought another flight.

00:43:35.000 It would have cost me, flights are cheap now, it would have cost me like 500 bucks and I would have saved waiting in line for four hours.

00:43:41.000 Anyway, we get that flight.

00:43:46.000 And then the other budding incident was we're leaving the plane.

00:43:50.000 I did a whole video on this, by the way, on air travel.

00:43:53.000 Do you remember that for vans, how to fly?

00:43:56.000 All my shit is scattered all over the internet, but it's probably out there somewhere.

00:43:59.000 And this concept of 14 exits before 15 exits before 16.

00:44:09.000 I didn't take a night course in flying.

00:44:11.000 No one told me that.

00:44:12.000 I know it because it's logical.

00:44:15.000 You know how I know?

00:44:16.000 Because I'm part of a society.

00:44:21.000 Okay?

00:44:22.000 I know how societies work.

00:44:26.000 So this couple is budding in front of my wife.

00:44:29.000 And I go, whoa, whoa, what are we doing here?

00:44:31.000 What are we doing?

00:44:32.000 He goes, oh, we were already up.

00:44:34.000 Like, that's fine.

00:44:36.000 They don't even know that they're budding.

00:44:38.000 And I go, 17, 16, 15.

00:44:41.000 Wouldn't it make sense to you that 15 would leave before 16?

00:44:46.000 The front row probably gets out before the last row, right?

00:44:49.000 Let's take that concept and extrapolate.

00:44:52.000 And they're all looking at me like I'm crazy.

00:44:54.000 And I go, I go, she goes, we don't have baggage.

00:44:59.000 I go, I don't have baggage either.

00:45:00.000 I've just got this briefcase that's in my hand.

00:45:02.000 I don't have anything up there.

00:45:04.000 So, but I'm still leaving.

00:45:05.000 So I have to sort of push them back.

00:45:07.000 And then there's a woman coming up the back behind me. 1.00

00:45:09.000 I have to say to her, you, you, get back.

00:45:12.000 I have to push them back.

00:45:14.000 It was like Kabul. 0.56

00:45:16.000 I'm trying to fight these people getting on these planes.

00:45:19.000 And so they scooch off.

00:45:22.000 And then we're waiting for our baggage.

00:45:24.000 So I go piss.

00:45:25.000 Your baggage?

00:45:26.000 If you checked bags, then you're not getting out.

00:45:29.000 It doesn't matter When you get out of the plane, so I go piss.

00:45:33.000 I'm coming out of the bathroom.

00:45:34.000 Guess who's meandering out of the bathroom in front of me?

00:45:37.000 The same black dude that I was just yelling at. 0.87

00:45:40.000 And I go, Hell, got out in time.

00:45:43.000 Good thing you moved, huh?

00:45:44.000 That was fast.

00:45:45.000 Good thing you butted in line.

00:45:47.000 Now you get to have a pee before anyone else.

00:45:49.000 And you're on your way home.

00:45:50.000 Oh, no, you're not because your baggage is in here.

00:45:52.000 Nor is mine.

00:45:53.000 And he goes, you're still messing with me?

00:45:55.000 And I go, I'm trying to explain to you what a society is.

00:45:59.000 And he goes, he goes, I had to get up at five.

00:46:02.000 I was just trying to get home, get some sleep.

00:46:04.000 Like, just another bullshit thing where I'm supposed to get sleep.

00:46:08.000 Oh, you get up at five.

00:46:09.000 Ooh, okay, you can bud.

00:46:11.000 I'm sorry.

00:46:11.000 I'm lazy.

00:46:12.000 I'm a lazy rich dude who just sleeps all day.

00:46:14.000 Actually, I was on my way to sleep in on some fancy resort.

00:46:18.000 Okay, fast forward, though, to the that in French?

00:46:26.000 Yes.

00:46:29.000 Oh, ma'am, monsieur.

00:46:31.000 It's in French?

00:46:32.000 Yeah.

00:46:33.000 It's the only one I can find.

00:46:37.000 That's so weird.

00:46:38.000 You only banned in the English language.

00:46:42.000 Couldn't you have done your own French track, by the way?

00:46:45.000 This guy sounds nothing like you.

00:46:51.000 So bizarre.

00:46:53.000 But keep going.

00:46:55.000 She leans back.

00:46:56.000 I get mad at her.

00:46:57.000 I've done that before, by the way.

00:46:59.000 See, half of my jokes are not jokes.

00:47:01.000 They're just relaying what happened.

00:47:08.000 Oh, yeah, I just pretended to be asleep.

00:47:09.000 My dad taught me this one.

00:47:11.000 You pretend to be asleep and you put your knees up.

00:47:13.000 Oh, here we go.

00:47:17.000 I can't hear anything.

00:47:24.000 This is exactly what happened.

00:47:26.000 Exactly.

00:47:41.000 I literally did that.

00:47:42.000 I reenacted this.

00:47:44.000 I've done it a million times.

00:47:48.000 I'm trying to restore order in society.

00:47:52.000 But there's something about that.

00:47:54.000 It's called a society that I cannot recommend enough.

00:47:58.000 It goes into their cranium and it just sort of bugs them.

00:48:02.000 They're like, yeah, I don't feel like I'm part of society.

00:48:05.000 I am a shitbag.

00:48:07.000 I should stop budding.

00:48:08.000 All right.

00:48:10.000 So that's traveling covered.

00:48:12.000 We haven't even got to paradise yet.

00:48:14.000 And I've already made like a hundred enemies.

00:48:18.000 So where are we now?

00:48:21.000 Guy with the stupid TV, the Nine Hendurance.

00:48:24.000 Okay, so first we go to the four seasons.

00:48:25.000 Very fancy.

00:48:26.000 Very nice.

00:48:28.000 We got some pics there.

00:48:30.000 I'm finally catching up.

00:48:32.000 So I started this saying, you know, in the 60s, you'd have a slideshow after your trip.

00:48:36.000 I guess I would be screaming at my neighbors for the first 30 minutes of the slideshow as they stared at their watches, wondering why they came over.

00:48:45.000 Oh, is that my picture?

00:48:46.000 Geez, that's so nice that I didn't realize that I took it.

00:48:51.000 That's the sunset.

00:48:53.000 This is very far from where we used to live in Montezuma.

00:48:56.000 It's up on the peninsula on the top sort of west corner, the British Columbia of Costa Rica, if you will.

00:49:05.000 And it was at the skinny point of the peninsula where you could go to either beach in one minute.

00:49:12.000 They must have spent a fortune building that thing.

00:49:14.000 And it was totally empty.

00:49:15.000 That's the great thing about traveling with COVID and, yeah, COVID.

00:49:22.000 Everything's cheap and available.

00:49:24.000 Next.

00:49:28.000 That's just staring at the phones.

00:49:30.000 The kids are obsessed with their screens.

00:49:32.000 That's my gorgeous body.

00:49:33.000 I'm reading People Magazine.

00:49:35.000 People magazine, I never read it before.

00:49:36.000 It's fascinating.

00:49:38.000 They just make up shit and then they say, sources say.

00:49:43.000 And all you have to do is make sure that when you make up your source, you don't say anything too outlandish.

00:49:48.000 Like, sources say Drew Barrymore loves shooting heroin.

00:49:52.000 You're going to get sued for that.

00:49:54.000 It's not true.

00:49:54.000 But if you say, sources say Drew Barrymore has some trepidation about this new relationship, and it's going to be a real culture shock for her to move to Britain.

00:50:03.000 She's worried about it.

00:50:05.000 That sounds believable.

00:50:07.000 I'm not going to get sued.

00:50:08.000 So it's just a bunch of suppositions with sources say.

00:50:12.000 It's just people guessing how celebrities might feel.

00:50:16.000 Page after page after page.

00:50:21.000 That's the view.

00:50:22.000 We could see the ocean from our room all screened in.

00:50:28.000 By the way, I said to the guy, I said, here's a funny tip for when you go somewhere.

00:50:34.000 Find out what the term for gay is.

00:50:36.000 Like in Mexico, it's Maricone.

00:50:38.000 In Quebec, it's Tapet.

00:50:40.000 In France, it's Fifi.

00:50:41.000 In this, in Costa Rica, it's Playo.

00:50:44.000 And you just get laughs out of the locals.

00:50:46.000 Like you say, does this shirt make me look like a Playo?

00:50:49.000 Hysterical laughter everywhere.

00:50:51.000 And then some of them would take it seriously and go, no, no, my friend.

00:50:54.000 In Costa Rica, pink is only for men.

00:50:57.000 It's for surfers.

00:50:58.000 It's not playo.

00:51:01.000 This is a book I was reading, and it's funny because I was giving my kids shit for not reading enough.

00:51:06.000 And I was saying, you need to read to get a better vocabulary, to understand grammar better.

00:51:11.000 And then I'm reading these books written by cops that are just so full of grammatical errors.

00:51:16.000 It's jarring to read.

00:51:18.000 Like you keep getting stunted.

00:51:20.000 And I sent this to a copy editor friend.

00:51:22.000 First, I laughed at 3 a.m. in lowercase.

00:51:25.000 He also constantly has two spaces after period.

00:51:28.000 I forgot the name of this book.

00:51:30.000 I'll dig it up in a second.

00:51:32.000 It's really good.

00:51:33.000 And it's about a cop in the 80s who went from rookie to detective and at the very worst time in New York's history.

00:51:42.000 But he's illiterate.

00:51:44.000 I'm sorry, but New York cops and cops in general, I love them to death, but they're not exactly known for their grammatical prowess.

00:51:53.000 It says wordwise in the bottom right.

00:51:55.000 It says what?

00:51:57.000 Is that the name of the book, WordWise?

00:51:59.000 Wordwise?

00:52:01.000 Why would a book about cops be called wordwise?

00:52:05.000 I just looked it up and I said wordwise police book and a lot of things come up.

00:52:10.000 Wordwise enabled police procedurals.

00:52:13.000 Wordwise enabled mystery thriller.

00:52:15.000 10 must-read books for law enforcement officers.

00:52:18.000 Wordwise is on there.

00:52:20.000 American, these are the books I have in my audible.

00:52:23.000 The Diversity Delusion by Heather McDonough, which is awesome.

00:52:26.000 American Marxism by Mark Levin is really good.

00:52:29.000 I think he's one of the leading political intellectuals in the country, but he's yelling at you.

00:52:34.000 So you're in your car and it's like, they're at the point where Marxism is becoming the norm for schools.

00:52:41.000 It's not pleasant to get yelled at.

00:52:45.000 Beyond order, this is all I get.

00:52:47.000 Captain Underpants, that's not me.

00:52:53.000 Shit, I can't find it and I can't read.

00:52:55.000 I'll have Gavin dig it up when we come back.

00:52:58.000 But I just thought this was funny.

00:53:01.000 Look at this sentence.

00:53:02.000 It's the loneliest sentence in the world.

00:53:05.000 It's like Tom Hanks and Castaway.

00:53:07.000 What does he say?

00:53:10.000 We rode slowly down a residential street looking for anything or anyone out of place.

00:53:15.000 We would find it.

00:53:19.000 Not good.

00:53:22.000 What's next?

00:53:26.000 Oh yeah, that's the resort.

00:53:27.000 There's a really good show I've been watching with my wife called White Lotus.

00:53:33.000 Pull that up because it kind of summarized our life at the Four Seasons.

00:53:38.000 Where'd I go?

00:53:39.000 The goal is to disappear behind our masks as pleasant, interchangeable helpers.

00:53:44.000 It's tropical kabuki.

00:53:46.000 Aloha, a happy beer.

00:53:48.000 It's like Faulty Towers meets Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

00:53:51.000 Welcome to the White Lotus.

00:53:53.000 Although, I gotta say, white males don't do great in it.

00:53:55.000 We're the bumbling buffoons.

00:53:58.000 Drug addict, losers.

00:54:01.000 It's cancer.

00:54:02.000 He plays an awesome villain.

00:54:03.000 Not villain, moron.

00:54:08.000 He finds out his dad is gay.

00:54:10.000 Anyway, this is basically where we were.

00:54:13.000 Oh, and this guy, whose mom comes to see him, is supposed to be this horrible douche.

00:54:18.000 And I'm just watching the show going, what's wrong with this guy?

00:54:23.000 He's mad that he got the wrong suite and they charged him the original fee.

00:54:27.000 Yeah?

00:54:28.000 Are you a dick?

00:54:29.000 And she's like, can we just drop it, please, and enjoy our honeymoon?

00:54:31.000 No.

00:54:32.000 And I'm watching the show going, no.

00:54:34.000 At least get your money back.

00:54:36.000 I get up at seven.

00:54:37.000 All right, what else do we have from four seasons?

00:54:42.000 That's where I met the Ticos. 1.00

00:54:45.000 I rented a jet ski too, which is fun.

00:54:49.000 Man, those things go fast.

00:54:52.000 That's it for that.

00:54:53.000 There might be some videos in there, though.

00:54:54.000 So what's next?

00:54:57.000 Oh, yeah, golfing?

00:55:00.000 There's one of the best golf courses in the world there at Papo de Gallo, the Four Seasons owns it.

00:55:06.000 Of course, I go in there and I go, we're going to have to rent clubs for me and my youngest boy here.

00:55:12.000 And they go, he needs a collared shirt.

00:55:14.000 He's a little kid.

00:55:16.000 No, he needs a collared shirt.

00:55:17.000 Okay, fine.

00:55:17.000 I'll buy one.

00:55:18.000 So that cost me 50 bucks.

00:55:20.000 The whole thing, the golf bags were $86 each.

00:55:23.000 And then the rental was the, to just play on it was $150.

00:55:29.000 My bill was $300.

00:55:31.000 And I ended up involuntarily going, Jesus Christ.

00:55:35.000 And then walked out of the room going, for fuck's sake, fucking.

00:55:39.000 But it was awesome.

00:55:40.000 We were the only people in the entire course.

00:55:42.000 So I justified the cost by pretending I'm a billionaire who rented the entire golf course.

00:55:48.000 Like when the woman came up to serve us drinks and sell us more golf balls because we lost them all, I was the only name on her little clipboard, McInnes.

00:55:57.000 The only people there.

00:55:59.000 This is cool.

00:56:00.000 The golf cart tells you where you are, tells you what the next hole is, tells you how many yards to the hole, shows you the shape of it.

00:56:08.000 And I made up this, I didn't make up this, my friend Jim taught me this awesome way to play golf with a kid.

00:56:14.000 It's best ball.

00:56:15.000 So if you, if he hits it not a great amount, but you shoot it into the woods, you play from that thing.

00:56:22.000 If he does a little kid shot and you do a great one down the line, you pick up his ball, which is fun because on the golf cart, you don't stop.

00:56:28.000 And then he has to swoop down and pick it up.

00:56:30.000 And then you go to your ball.

00:56:32.000 And dude, this golf course is light years above any golf course I've ever played.

00:56:38.000 We were shooting off cliffs.

00:56:41.000 That was the beginning.

00:56:43.000 Incredibly green.

00:56:44.000 It's rainy season now.

00:56:45.000 It's their winter in Costa Rica.

00:56:47.000 So it's beautifully rainy every day.

00:56:50.000 Look, there's some cool little green lizard hanging out. 0.92

00:56:54.000 Might have to zoom in on that one.

00:56:58.000 Yeah, look how green that thing is. 0.90

00:57:00.000 I said to my kids, I'll pay you $100 if you can ever catch one because they're way too fast.

00:57:05.000 But I didn't factor in babies.

00:57:07.000 And my fucking son caught one.

00:57:09.000 It's $100 down.

00:57:10.000 But then we went to the batting cage when we got back to New York and he said, I'll pay you $5 for every ball I miss at the batting cage.

00:57:17.000 And I was like, I went down from $125 to $65.

00:57:21.000 I was like, $120, $115.

00:57:25.000 The fucking hubris of the kids today is very expensive.

00:57:28.000 So there we are.

00:57:30.000 He thinks it's too sunny.

00:57:31.000 You see that behind me?

00:57:33.000 That's a cliff.

00:57:34.000 Like, if I ran over those bushes, I would die.

00:57:38.000 After you shoot, you go back around and then you drive up to your ball.

00:57:42.000 Hitting golf balls off a cliff, that's every man's fantasy, right?

00:57:45.000 That's the best part of Animal House, where they're just pitching them at those military dudes, and then they hit the horse in the ass.

00:57:52.000 Fuck, it was great.

00:57:53.000 And there's few things better than playing golf with your son.

00:57:56.000 It's one of the greatest joys there are.

00:57:59.000 And then I have baseball with my other son, watching him play as Heaven on Earth.

00:58:02.000 So I just got to get something better with my daughter.

00:58:05.000 There's two iguanas that were just stalking us, hoping for scraps.

00:58:09.000 And this is a cliff.

00:58:10.000 Wait, go back, go back.

00:58:11.000 That's a cliff too.

00:58:12.000 That's a different cliff.

00:58:14.000 What you can't see here is a massive gorge.

00:58:17.000 There's a road down there.

00:58:19.000 So you have to hit it over that.

00:58:21.000 He got lost in the road.

00:58:22.000 It bounced off into that jungle.

00:58:24.000 But I managed to, I had one of the best shots of my life actually there.

00:58:28.000 But isn't that fun?

00:58:29.000 What's funner than that?

00:58:32.000 Literally, what's funner than that?

00:58:34.000 That's not part of the golf course.

00:58:35.000 I think I have a movie.

00:58:37.000 Did the movies not transfer, Ryan?

00:58:38.000 Yep, got him here.

00:58:39.000 There's a movie of Johnny getting a great shot.

00:58:44.000 Has that got audio?

00:58:45.000 Well, that's the one I was just talking about.

00:58:47.000 You can sort of see the gorge better.

00:58:56.000 That was good, but it's not good enough.

00:58:59.000 That one we saw, and then we drove by, and it was gone.

00:59:02.000 I have a feeling that some animals, like Katymundis, which is like the Costa Rican raccoon, I think some of them see them as eggs and take them.

00:59:13.000 Because we couldn't explain where it went.

00:59:15.000 We saw it land.

00:59:16.000 And then when we went there, it was gone.

00:59:19.000 Now, I'm sure some people are going to hate on his form.

00:59:22.000 I'm pretty happy with it.

00:59:24.000 He could afford to bend it a little.

00:59:26.000 No, that's a great amount.

00:59:28.000 He comes down.

00:59:30.000 Bends his knees maybe a bit much.

00:59:31.000 Oh, he hits the grass first, so he lost some of his momentum there.

00:59:35.000 But that's a good 75 yards.

00:59:38.000 Pretty good for a nine-year-old.

00:59:41.000 If you look closely, you can see it's not even landed yet.

00:59:44.000 This is a good video because the black of the trees makes the ball visible.

00:59:51.000 Alright, is that golfing done?

00:59:53.000 We'll get back to you in a second, Gav.

00:59:56.000 Yep.

00:59:59.000 Is that golf done?

01:00:01.000 What are these?

01:00:02.000 What?

01:00:04.000 Let me see if I get close up the mother turns. 1.00

01:00:05.000 You have to yell, Ryan, I guess.

01:00:07.000 What?

01:00:08.000 Oh, those are the Katy Mundies.

01:00:10.000 Those are Katy Mundies.

01:00:11.000 Yeah.

01:00:12.000 Let me see if I get close up.

01:00:13.000 The mother tries to kill me.

01:00:14.000 Kauti Mundis?

01:00:16.000 They're like a pest.

01:00:16.000 We used to have them at our place in Montezuma.

01:00:20.000 They're not monkeys.

01:00:21.000 Oh.

01:00:21.000 They're more related to raccoons.

01:00:24.000 But they have the same long tail they use for balance.

01:00:27.000 They're little scavengers.

01:00:29.000 Very cute.

01:00:31.000 Is that a bad idea?

01:00:33.000 Yes.

01:00:37.000 All right, what's next?

01:00:39.000 Hey, we got Rappelling.

01:00:43.000 Snorkeling?

01:00:44.000 Snorkeling, I have a scuba license.

01:00:45.000 And once you've been to Mexico and you've snorkeled with, I mean, you've scuba dived with a turtle that's going by going, hey, my guy.

01:00:54.000 You can't really snorkel again.

01:00:56.000 It's like going to coach after first class.

01:00:59.000 And in Costa Rica, the water's kind of murky.

01:01:02.000 Oh, we caught some fish.

01:01:03.000 It was fun because we caught this fish and then we used it as bait for bigger fish.

01:01:08.000 And they catch huge swordfish and shit.

01:01:11.000 But my wife, when it was her turn, she's the one who got the big fish. 1.00

01:01:16.000 I should have probably taken over, but I didn't and we lost it.

01:01:19.000 I'm sorry.

01:01:22.000 Oh, that was just a funny little video jumping off the boat.

01:01:25.000 It was kind of the funnest part of the whole fishing trip.

01:01:30.000 Show it again?

01:01:30.000 We skipped Rappelling.

01:01:35.000 I don't know.

01:01:35.000 That just amused me.

01:01:37.000 What else do we got?

01:01:39.000 We got Rappelling.

01:01:40.000 Rappelling?

01:01:41.000 So we went Rappelling down these waterfalls.

01:01:44.000 This was in the Springs.

01:01:49.000 Dude, this hotel was nuts.

01:01:51.000 That's me being gorgeous.

01:01:53.000 Who took that photo?

01:01:54.000 What?

01:01:55.000 Who took that photo?

01:01:56.000 Is that like...

01:01:56.000 They took photos for somebody.

01:01:58.000 You buy them for 30 bucks.

01:01:59.000 Looks pretty pros my kids going down.

01:02:05.000 So it's that thing where you push off and then you let it go.

01:02:09.000 Not my forte.

01:02:11.000 I thought it'd be a lot better.

01:02:12.000 I was a total and utter spaz.

01:02:15.000 My kids were awesome.

01:02:16.000 I was really worried the whole time about my youngest boy.

01:02:19.000 You know, look, that's what he's going down.

01:02:21.000 Now, with the younger kids, they more lower you than let you repel.

01:02:25.000 But you're still repelling.

01:02:26.000 You're still pushing off.

01:02:27.000 And then I get to the bottom and he's just done this thing, which was like 40 stories tall.

01:02:31.000 And he's going, let's go, let's go.

01:02:35.000 I was like, okay, we're in.

01:02:36.000 That's my wife and I going down the thingamedle.

01:02:40.000 Good.

01:02:41.000 Almost at the bottom.

01:02:43.000 I have a video.

01:02:44.000 That's me sucking in my stomach, trying to look like Alex Jones.

01:02:48.000 I have a video of me going down, and I almost didn't show it just out of vanity because it's so powerfully uncool.

01:02:58.000 It's sort of like in The Simpsons where Marge is dating that nerd and he goes, Marge, don't tell people what happened.

01:03:04.000 Not so much for me, but it would hurt the town.

01:03:06.000 I think this video kind of hurts the brand of censored.tv.

01:03:13.000 Okay, now.

01:03:13.000 Oh, geez.

01:03:17.000 And like men are trying to help me lower.

01:03:20.000 And then I get caught under the waterfall and I have to push off.

01:03:23.000 I'm covered in bruises, by the way.

01:03:25.000 No one else had any bruises.

01:03:26.000 I don't know.

01:03:27.000 It's hard.

01:03:29.000 You're dangling.

01:03:30.000 You're a dangling participle.

01:03:33.000 Is that it?

01:03:34.000 You have to lie to your family.

01:03:36.000 You have to say what you were doing was easy.

01:03:38.000 I was trying harder things.

01:03:40.000 I was trying to do a spin.

01:03:41.000 I've never done a 360 when repelling?

01:03:43.000 Of course I can go down like you.

01:03:45.000 It's called an Ollie McTwist.

01:03:46.000 Tony Hawk invented them.

01:03:48.000 God.

01:03:50.000 Remember, I'm not Plyo.

01:03:52.000 All right, now we have the springs.

01:03:54.000 This was the coolest.

01:03:55.000 So there's a town there called Arenal.

01:03:58.000 And some guy, probably an American, in the 70s said, look, we're on the continental divide, right?

01:04:06.000 We've got a million mountains, a million little streams.

01:04:08.000 Let's dam them and make a lake. 0.92

01:04:11.000 And it's fucking huge.

01:04:14.000 It's like Mendoza Lake or whatever that lake is called in Madison, Wisconsin.

01:04:21.000 So there's this massive lake.

01:04:23.000 And then up from the lake, there's this volcano.

01:04:26.000 So this guy, this Floridian dude named Lee Banks, he started out real small in a surf town like Malpais or something, building little resorts.

01:04:36.000 And then he got to know rich dudes.

01:04:38.000 And they said, oh, you seem pretty good at this hospitality thing.

01:04:42.000 Let's build more.

01:04:43.000 So he built this hotel on a wall, a hill facing the volcano.

01:04:49.000 So everyone gets a view of the volcano.

01:04:50.000 Now, of course, this is my kids on screens.

01:04:54.000 That's your only job as a parent is to get them off these as much as possible.

01:04:57.000 We managed to get it down to like two hours a day, which If you don't have kids, that's an amazing accomplishment to get down to two hours a day.

01:05:04.000 That's the volcano, though.

01:05:05.000 You can't see the top.

01:05:07.000 Now, I remember going there 20 years ago as a poor man, and lava was shooting out 24 hours a day.

01:05:16.000 Not a lot, but you could see it.

01:05:17.000 So you'd eat dinner and you'd see like bloop, blip, bloop, blip, blip, blop, blip, bloop, bloop.

01:05:21.000 But it stopped since 2010.

01:05:24.000 And interestingly enough, other volcanoes started going at the same time, implying that there's some sort of connection there.

01:05:31.000 I got to say, Costa Rica is a free market place, but it has a lot of socialist things.

01:05:35.000 They have health care.

01:05:36.000 They pay 9% for their health care.

01:05:38.000 They abolished the army completely because America will have their back.

01:05:41.000 The rumor I got was the CIA and the FBI like to retire there.

01:05:46.000 So they made sure they kept it a safe place.

01:05:48.000 There's zero crime.

01:05:49.000 I mean, there's petty theft and shit.

01:05:51.000 And then 1% of Costa Rica is black.

01:05:53.000 And coincidentally, in that part of town, which is on the Caribbean side, there's crime and gangs and stuff.

01:05:58.000 But there's plenty of drugs, plenty of pot, and no crime to speak of.

01:06:02.000 No gangs.

01:06:06.000 Is that the volcano in Aranal?

01:06:08.000 Arenao.

01:06:09.000 Yeah, it looks like it.

01:06:10.000 That's how it used to look.

01:06:11.000 30 years of eruption.

01:06:13.000 I don't get how there's...

01:06:14.000 Doesn't that mean the gas is poisonous?

01:06:16.000 How do people live around a volcano?

01:06:18.000 I thought it emits like brutal amounts of carbon dioxide or something.

01:06:22.000 Anyway, we'll get to that another time.

01:06:25.000 So they abolished the army, and then they have that lake, Aranal, that used to provide 70%, 7-0% of the electricity for the entire country.

01:06:35.000 Healthcare is 9% of your salary.

01:06:37.000 Everyone gets it.

01:06:38.000 And I got to say, almost everyone I spoke to, perfect English.

01:06:42.000 You don't see that in Miami, by the way.

01:06:44.000 A lot of people unilingual in Miami who were born there.

01:06:48.000 You see unilingual Chinese in New York.

01:06:50.000 Everyone in Costa Rica speaks perfect Spanish.

01:06:53.000 And then you ask them about a katimundi or what bird is that?

01:06:57.000 And they're like, oh, that's the keel-billed motmot.

01:07:00.000 They burrow holes into the mud and put their eggs there.

01:07:05.000 And I go, but we're right off a trail.

01:07:06.000 And they go, yeah, that's good because you're traversing this trail so much, snakes don't go near it and they end up retaining their eggs.

01:07:14.000 Like everyone knows this.

01:07:16.000 The cab driver.

01:07:17.000 It's kind of what Fidel Castro says Cuba is, which it isn't.

01:07:21.000 But Costa Rica is that.

01:07:22.000 It's not a wealthy populace, but it's a really well-educated populace.

01:07:27.000 And they do have elements of socialism, but it's ultimately a free market country with a lot of tourism, but also coffee, mango, melons, bananas, pineapples are huge.

01:07:41.000 So they're taking advantage of the land.

01:07:44.000 This thing pissed me off, though.

01:07:46.000 Go back to that picture.

01:07:47.000 Is that my picture?

01:07:49.000 Yeah.

01:07:49.000 Okay.

01:07:50.000 These just ruin the skyline.

01:07:53.000 It wasn't everywhere, but it was near where we were on our drive there.

01:07:56.000 About 80% of them are not turning.

01:08:00.000 And we all know that wind turbines, these wind stupid pieces of shit, take more energy to make than they generate in a lifetime.

01:08:11.000 So they're, by definition, totally useless.

01:08:13.000 And you see these and they're ugly and they're dumb and it's a waste of money.

01:08:15.000 It's a bunch of socialist bullshit.

01:08:17.000 But then you go, wait a minute, zoom in on this shit.

01:08:20.000 It looks like a military graveyard.

01:08:22.000 Look at this.

01:08:24.000 The entire, there's a fucking factory we drove by where they're still making them all.

01:08:29.000 And I assume repairing them because they were all, they all seemed broken.

01:08:32.000 Look at that hideous skyline.

01:08:34.000 And you can see here, they're sort of tapering off.

01:08:37.000 Like this is disappearing over the horizon.

01:08:40.000 Like there was dozens and dozens of these fucking retarded, hideous things. 1.00

01:08:47.000 Fuck out of here.

01:08:48.000 Especially when they had all that success with their water.

01:08:52.000 Roads are way better than America.

01:08:55.000 Which was very irritating.

01:08:57.000 Keep going.

01:08:59.000 That's our view.

01:09:00.000 That's everyone's view at this resort.

01:09:05.000 That's me and my wife.

01:09:06.000 I rarely show pictures of her, but we look cute there.

01:09:09.000 That's our cool view.

01:09:11.000 I think we're winding it up here.

01:09:13.000 Are we out of picks?

01:09:15.000 For that, yes.

01:09:16.000 Is that my pick?

01:09:18.000 No, that's.

01:09:18.000 No, no.

01:09:20.000 It's like I was in a helicopter.

01:09:22.000 We got a video from you.

01:09:23.000 I'm really drunk.

01:09:24.000 And I'm popping it open right now.

01:09:25.000 It's the roads.

01:09:26.000 I didn't wet the bed the entire time, by the way.

01:09:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:09:29.000 This is me bitching about the windmill.

01:09:34.000 Look at these hideous machines.

01:09:36.000 One of them is working.

01:09:38.000 The rest are all dead.

01:09:40.000 Glittering the skyline.

01:09:42.000 Look at them.

01:09:43.000 There's dozens of them.

01:09:45.000 But we have one, two moving.

01:09:49.000 Wait, there's more.

01:09:50.000 There's the rope bridges.

01:09:51.000 And they can't possibly generate.

01:09:53.000 Okay, we're not done with the whole thing, but that was the end of the whatever section that was.

01:09:58.000 The springs.

01:09:59.000 The springs?

01:10:00.000 Okay.

01:10:01.000 Wait, and we got another vid.

01:10:03.000 There's some rain here.

01:10:05.000 Here we go.

01:10:08.000 That's not me.

01:10:08.000 Oh, you're looking up stuff?

01:10:10.000 I may have forgotten to give you.

01:10:11.000 Oh, that's a movie of our view.

01:10:14.000 See, the beauty of going in August is it's raining half the day, which is a nice break from the 90-degree weather.

01:10:21.000 It was actually much hotter in New York.

01:10:23.000 Oh, wait.

01:10:24.000 Did you include the video, the audio of that?

01:10:26.000 No.

01:10:27.000 Turn it up.

01:10:28.000 Beautiful.

01:10:41.000 Nice.

01:10:44.000 So, is that all the pictures?

01:10:47.000 Because I'm missing a major file of Amelos, as my daughter used to call them when she was a baby.

01:10:54.000 Yeah, we rented ATVs.

01:10:57.000 And I don't want to show my daughter's face.

01:10:58.000 Maybe go to a next one?

01:11:01.000 Okay, wait, you gotta switch off for a second?

01:11:04.000 Because otherwise it'll slide.

01:11:07.000 Oh, yeah, we stopped and had some pollo and fritas.

01:11:11.000 God, the junk food in Costa Rica is so effing good.

01:11:16.000 So when you're renting ATVs to a family, right, it's got to be fun, but you don't want to get sued.

01:11:22.000 I don't think they're very worried about being sued there or they're not suable.

01:11:27.000 Like when we went to rent the jet skis and shit, and those guys that got that took me to the boat to Cocoa Beach and the boat trip too, it had nothing to do with the hotel.

01:11:36.000 And I realized later, oh, that's because the hotel doesn't want the insurance headache.

01:11:41.000 So they let the locals rent out jet skis and stuff.

01:11:43.000 And they think, someone gets their head chopped off, they go into the coral or something.

01:11:47.000 It's not my fault.

01:11:48.000 You rented it from a local.

01:11:49.000 I don't provide jet skis and I don't want to get sued.

01:11:53.000 And so we're on this ATV trip and it's raining, but it's great because it's like 80 degrees.

01:11:59.000 So the rain doesn't bother you.

01:12:01.000 We knew it was going to rain.

01:12:02.000 So we're wearing bathing suits and we're drenched.

01:12:04.000 Although I had to put a garbage bag on my kid, youngest one.

01:12:07.000 But you're out there and you're like, this is just going to work.

01:12:12.000 Like in Costa Rica, everyone uses ATVs because in the rainy season, you can't use anything else.

01:12:17.000 So when I lived there, we would just always have ATVs.

01:12:19.000 So it's not exciting to me to be driving around with my family, but I don't want my kid to get hurt or anything.

01:12:26.000 So you want the perfect amount of danger, and they provided that.

01:12:29.000 I was very impressed.

01:12:30.000 The initial half was boring.

01:12:32.000 I was about to complain that I'm just like going to work.

01:12:34.000 And then the next thing you know, we're going down ravines, getting stuck.

01:12:38.000 We're at points where we're about to tip over.

01:12:40.000 And I'm like, this is actually fun.

01:12:42.000 This is getting scary.

01:12:43.000 And my daughter was on the back.

01:12:44.000 And I go, how are you feeling?

01:12:46.000 Isn't this good?

01:12:47.000 And she goes, hell, hell.

01:12:50.000 This is the worst day of my life.

01:12:51.000 And I was like, good.

01:12:53.000 We're in the right balance there.

01:12:54.000 Some people are loving it.

01:12:55.000 Some people hate it.

01:12:56.000 That's like the sign that something's going well, right?

01:12:59.000 You know, you're doing a good job if half the country hates you and the other half loves you.

01:13:04.000 You're being exciting.

01:13:05.000 Well, that's the thing with the kids today now.

01:13:07.000 They take pictures with this weird setting where it blows your head up and it looks funny on animals.

01:13:12.000 That was a stray cat at the chicken place I just showed you on our ATV trip.

01:13:16.000 We stopped for beers.

01:13:18.000 That's some drone footage of some trees.

01:13:21.000 Here's one thing I don't get.

01:13:22.000 There's turkey vultures everywhere in the sky, like flies.

01:13:27.000 How do they see the cadavers down there?

01:13:29.000 You can't see anything through the canopy.

01:13:33.000 Are you just hanging out up there?

01:13:36.000 There's no mowed lawns where you're going to see a dead raccoon you can go eat.

01:13:40.000 Anyway, this is, you've come across the animals.

01:13:43.000 Yeah, that's the just a creek that we went whitewater rafting in that was fun.

01:13:49.000 I overheard this one guy, he said, he said to the instructor, oh, that's, I went skinny dipping for a second in a private area, and you can see my private areas.

01:13:59.000 He said something to the whitewater rafting guy.

01:14:03.000 He goes, he's with his son.

01:14:06.000 We're skiers.

01:14:07.000 So it's a similar principle, you know, sort of jostling your hips.

01:14:12.000 Like people talk about offensive things, racism, sexism, transphobia.

01:14:16.000 That to me is more offensive than anything.

01:14:18.000 Like I recoiled in horror when he said that.

01:14:21.000 What are you talking about?

01:14:23.000 And it's not like the instructor is going, oh, really?

01:14:26.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:14:26.000 Yeah, I guess it is.

01:14:27.000 Sort of swiveling back and forth.

01:14:28.000 Yeah, yeah, it's a very similar.

01:14:30.000 That's rap about the similarities with riding a fucking inflatable dinghy down a raft and skiing.

01:14:37.000 What?

01:14:38.000 Anyway, I didn't speak to him again.

01:14:39.000 I couldn't look at him.

01:14:41.000 You need your enemies on these trips, and if you don't have any, you just make them up.

01:14:45.000 That's me looking gorgeous.

01:14:46.000 That's outside the whitewater rafting place.

01:14:49.000 This is, again, at the springs.

01:14:50.000 They had their up area where you can see the volcano, and then they had this down area that had a nature preserve.

01:14:56.000 It's not a zoo.

01:14:57.000 Don't call it a zoo.

01:14:58.000 It's a reservation where we take rescued animals.

01:15:01.000 They had this one rescued animal, an ocelot, and they go, it's illegal to domesticate ocelots.

01:15:06.000 That's a sort of baby cheetah looking thing.

01:15:08.000 I saw one in the wild, which apparently is very rare.

01:15:11.000 And they go, and after he come here, he missed his owner.

01:15:14.000 So he was scratching his stomach bare and he was eating his tail.

01:15:18.000 I'm like, well, good thing you rescued him.

01:15:22.000 Good thing you rescued the fucking loser and took him from this domestic situation where he's getting fed every day to a cage where he eats himself. 0.97

01:15:29.000 Way to go.

01:15:33.000 Everyone knows so much about animals down there that they get into arguments.

01:15:37.000 Like, are sloths drunk?

01:15:41.000 Sloths eat this plant that some say the Aboriginals think have hallucinogenic properties or just kind of, it's probably just more like a caffeinated type of thing.

01:15:53.000 It gives you a cocoa buzz, like the cocoa plant or whatever they make cocaine out of.

01:16:01.000 Others say, no, no, no.

01:16:02.000 The plant they eat is normal.

01:16:03.000 What happens is they're polygastric.

01:16:05.000 These are Tico saying the word polygastric to you.

01:16:08.000 So they eat food and it takes like a week to ferment.

01:16:12.000 And it's the fermentation that's getting them kind of drunk.

01:16:15.000 That's why they're so groovy.

01:16:17.000 And if you were to feed them fruit, that fermentation would turn into alcohol and they get alcohol poisoning.

01:16:23.000 They're already drunk from the fermentation in their stomach.

01:16:25.000 No, no, no.

01:16:26.000 And then you get other guys saying that it's not that intense of fermentation.

01:16:32.000 This is how well-informed they are, that you can have sloth arguments.

01:16:37.000 Okay, go ahead.

01:16:41.000 That's plain ping pong.

01:16:42.000 Kids love ping pong.

01:16:43.000 There's a toucan.

01:16:44.000 And, you know, the guy's explaining how wonderful these are.

01:16:46.000 And, of course, you know my beliefs on animals.

01:16:48.000 They're losers.

01:16:49.000 And I just think, what a curse.

01:16:51.000 A giant bill.

01:16:52.000 You know, they can only fly like short little jaunts because this fucking thing is so incredibly heavy.

01:16:57.000 I don't think it's wondrous.

01:16:58.000 I think it's a curse.

01:17:01.000 These poor bastards.

01:17:03.000 This was really interesting.

01:17:04.000 They had these white-faced monkeys.

01:17:06.000 And the more you learn about nature, the more you realize that we're not the only ones who shit on men.

01:17:11.000 Like, males are garbage in every species.

01:17:14.000 With male wasps, they burrow into these fica trees. 0.95

01:17:18.000 The queen makes a bunch of them. 1.00

01:17:20.000 And then all the males, the babies, the boys, they try to burrow out of the fica seed that they're in, and they die.

01:17:27.000 They all die.

01:17:28.000 But they finally make some holes on the way to dying.

01:17:31.000 And then the females can get out and go and breed and have fun as the seed is left with like 100 dead boys. 1.00

01:17:37.000 Just like World War II.

01:17:39.000 Our males are cannon fodder. 0.99

01:17:41.000 Anyway, these bastards abuse their own males. 1.00

01:17:44.000 And the alphas don't want any competition.

01:17:46.000 So they eat, dismember, maim, abuse all their baby boys.

01:17:53.000 And then, so they rescue.

01:17:55.000 These people rescue them, but they have like stubs and shit from what the pack had done to them.

01:18:00.000 And they can't put these abused ones in with the other rescues because the other rescues will see that they're missing an arm or something and abuse them more.

01:18:08.000 These abused ones, you can go and eat lunch with them. 1.00

01:18:11.000 They're fine.

01:18:12.000 You go eat lunch with the other ones, they'll rip your face off. 1.00

01:18:15.000 They're jerks.

01:18:16.000 They're not just losers, they're assholes.

01:18:18.000 That's some monkey guy. 0.90

01:18:20.000 The top four monkeys there are howlers, white-faced monkeys, the cappuccinos, squirrel monkeys.

01:18:28.000 I think that's it.

01:18:32.000 Oh, you'll be shocked to see this.

01:18:34.000 Don't worry, it's dead.

01:18:35.000 The wandering Brazilian spider.

01:18:37.000 See, this is why I had a house there and I wouldn't bring my kids because there's so much fucking deadly animals there.

01:18:44.000 The wandering Brazilian spider, just like all these pit vipers and the Falon de Verte.

01:18:52.000 It's this, it's French for like arrowhead.

01:18:55.000 Falon de Vert.

01:18:56.000 I forget what it's called.

01:18:57.000 It's the most deadly snake in the world.

01:18:59.000 It's in Costa Rica.

01:19:00.000 And it doesn't just inject you with poison.

01:19:01.000 It injects you with a necrosis.

01:19:04.000 And so you have flesh eating disease.

01:19:05.000 So your skin starts dying.

01:19:07.000 And you've got to get to the hospital.

01:19:09.000 They give you the antidote.

01:19:12.000 And they'll tell you an anecdote while you're getting the antidote.

01:19:14.000 But you're still there for months.

01:19:16.000 There was a guy from Naked and Afraid who went down there.

01:19:18.000 And he was scouting out the area.

01:19:20.000 He got bit by a Falon de Vert, whatever it's called.

01:19:22.000 I'm getting the name.

01:19:23.000 Faire de Lance.

01:19:24.000 What is it?

01:19:24.000 Fer de Lance.

01:19:25.000 Faire de Lance.

01:19:27.000 So it's French for like, because it has an arrowhead of a head.

01:19:30.000 He got bit by one.

01:19:31.000 It starts, your leg starts eating itself, gangrene.

01:19:35.000 And so he was in the hospital for three months.

01:19:37.000 He's lucky they were able to save his leg.

01:19:40.000 So this is a big fucking deal.

01:19:42.000 What else do we got?

01:19:43.000 Of course the guy knows all of this.

01:19:46.000 Oh, can you see what's happening there?

01:19:48.000 Hey, dude.

01:19:50.000 They said they made this the national animal.

01:19:52.000 And I go, is it because you're all so fucking lazy?

01:19:55.000 He says, no, because we're happy.

01:19:56.000 It's smiling.

01:19:57.000 Oh, my.

01:19:58.000 Oh.

01:19:59.000 What a groovy guy, though, huh?

01:20:01.000 What's that?

01:20:02.000 Oh, line.

01:20:04.000 Is that someone who got bit by it?

01:20:05.000 Correct.

01:20:06.000 What is that?

01:20:07.000 That used to be a leg.

01:20:08.000 Oh, my God.

01:20:09.000 It used to be a leg.

01:20:10.000 Holy shit.

01:20:12.000 Yeah.

01:20:13.000 Look at that.

01:20:13.000 It's dead.

01:20:14.000 Just cut the leg off, please. 0.98

01:20:18.000 I mean, that seems to be one of the only ones that, oh, no, there's not.

01:20:21.000 Oh, boy.

01:20:22.000 Okay.

01:20:23.000 Not a good one to get bit by.

01:20:25.000 Oh, my lord.

01:20:27.000 Look at that.

01:20:28.000 You can see his bones.

01:20:31.000 I'm not bringing my kids there.

01:20:34.000 A scorpion bite is like a mosquito bite here.

01:20:37.000 It's unfortunate.

01:20:39.000 You don't die from a scorpion bite, but your hands and feet have pins and needles for two days and your lips go numb.

01:20:49.000 So yeah, that's a sloth.

01:20:50.000 You know who eats them?

01:20:51.000 Fucking giant eagles.

01:20:52.000 They pick them up off the tree, fly with them for a bit, drop them.

01:20:55.000 They hit the ground and die.

01:20:58.000 And that's who eats them. 0.98

01:21:00.000 They go so high up in trees that they don't have to worry about, you know, tigers.

01:21:04.000 They don't have tigers.

01:21:05.000 They have panthers and pumas and mountain lions and shit.

01:21:11.000 What else do we got?

01:21:12.000 Oh, this is a honey bee farm.

01:21:16.000 Their bees don't sting. 0.96

01:21:18.000 Go eat one if you want.

01:21:19.000 They don't have a problem.

01:21:21.000 And they burrow in these trees and they make this honey that's so delicious that the locals think it's magic.

01:21:26.000 They put it on guts and stuff.

01:21:29.000 Very cute little bees. 0.72

01:21:30.000 Not like our bees.

01:21:31.000 Our bees are jerks. 0.96

01:21:34.000 There's a catymundi.

01:21:36.000 Raccoon family.

01:21:38.000 Very cute.

01:21:39.000 What's that now?

01:21:41.000 Zoom in on that?

01:21:42.000 Looks like a snake on top of a leaf.

01:21:43.000 Oh yeah, that's a snake.

01:21:45.000 Poisonous snake.

01:21:46.000 They're fucking everywhere.

01:21:48.000 I don't know why they're...

01:21:49.000 They're all wearing sports sandals because Costa Rica is like hippie eco place.

01:21:53.000 I'd be wearing fucking aluminum cowboy boots if I lived there.

01:21:58.000 I forget what kind of killer, monster, murder.

01:22:01.000 That looks like a toad, but it's a coiled up snake.

01:22:03.000 See, the guide would focus in on something, and then I would put my phone up to the little telescope and take a picture of it.

01:22:10.000 What else do we got?

01:22:13.000 Next.

01:22:14.000 That's just a cicada. 0.99

01:22:16.000 They are deafeningly loud there.

01:22:18.000 And they have, I think we just have the 16-year ones.

01:22:20.000 They have 16-year, 14-year, 12-2, everything.

01:22:23.000 It's constant in the jungle.

01:22:28.000 You get used to it after a while.

01:22:31.000 If you zoom in on that, that's a tree that has these roots that look like a dink. 1.00

01:22:37.000 If you're into that kind of thing.

01:22:39.000 That's me without my pit vipers.

01:22:41.000 It's called the playa tree.

01:22:43.000 How do you know?

01:22:44.000 No, isn't that what fag is called?

01:22:47.000 Oh, yeah, the playo tree.

01:22:49.000 Playa is a beach.

01:22:50.000 Oh, yes.

01:22:51.000 That's me next to a pit viper without my pit vipers on.

01:22:55.000 What else?

01:22:56.000 That's a fucking golden pit viper. 0.65

01:23:01.000 That is only about as big as my fist, right?

01:23:05.000 People think it jumps, but it just crawls up its top half and lunges forward so it looks like it jumps, but the back half is still on the ground.

01:23:12.000 That thing could kill my entire family. 0.96

01:23:15.000 If we got bit in the neck, it has enough venom for five people dead.

01:23:20.000 Necrosis, your neck eats.

01:23:22.000 How the fuck?

01:23:23.000 I guess they do that so they can eat you better.

01:23:26.000 They start digesting you outside.

01:23:29.000 That was like four feet from us.

01:23:32.000 I took that picture with my phone by reaching out.

01:23:37.000 They're called the eyelash viper because they have these spikes around their eye. 0.69

01:23:42.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

01:23:42.000 Is that the producer who got it? 0.92

01:23:44.000 Oh, yeah, there it is.

01:23:47.000 It smelled of death.

01:23:48.000 Turn it up.

01:23:48.000 I can't hear anything.

01:23:51.000 Thankfully, they were able to operate graft skin from my thigh onto my foot.

01:23:57.000 Look at that.

01:23:59.000 A year on, unfortunately.

01:24:00.000 Who repaired that?

01:24:01.000 Where'd they get they just took skin from somewhere else?

01:24:03.000 It's changed me in some ways the same as it changes the survivalist.

01:24:08.000 It's an experience that you never forget.

01:24:09.000 I don't produce that.

01:24:11.000 What are this women doing on that fucking show? 1.00

01:24:13.000 I saw a single mama. 0.98

01:24:14.000 You're gone for 21 days.

01:24:16.000 You're away from your kid for 21 days, and you might get a pit viper.

01:24:20.000 You might get some weird skin disease from bugs or something.

01:24:24.000 Now you're bringing that home to your kid?

01:24:27.000 What have we done to our woman?

01:24:29.000 Next.

01:24:30.000 So that was worth the whole trip.

01:24:31.000 Actually, zoom in on him, and you might be able to see his eyelashes.

01:24:37.000 You can zoom in on me and see my eyelashes.

01:24:40.000 Yeah, you can kind of see right there.

01:24:43.000 He has these little spiky things over his eyes.

01:24:47.000 One of the guys told me, he showed me a picture where he caught a fur de Lance.

01:24:51.000 And I'm like, okay, so then you just took the machete and chopped his head off?

01:24:54.000 And he goes, no, no, we have to preserve.

01:24:56.000 They're part of the whole chain.

01:24:58.000 I go, no, they're not.

01:24:59.000 They can go.

01:24:59.000 No, no, they eat rodents and mice.

01:25:01.000 Other things can eat rodents and mice.

01:25:04.000 I go, what if there was a tiger shark and he washed up on the beach?

01:25:08.000 Oh, we could get it wet, try to keep it wet, try to get it back in the water.

01:25:11.000 I go, no, if it's on a beach you're on, then it's a beach people swim at.

01:25:15.000 You take the knife and you sink it into the brain.

01:25:18.000 Oh, no, you're kidding, right?

01:25:20.000 No.

01:25:21.000 See that?

01:25:22.000 Kill it.

01:25:24.000 It's a dragon.

01:25:25.000 Slay the dragon. 0.76

01:25:27.000 It's bad.

01:25:29.000 If you see a tiger shark where your kids are, you stab it in the brain.

01:25:34.000 Kill the bad things.

01:25:36.000 Scorpions, rats.

01:25:38.000 Kill them all.

01:25:39.000 Believe me, the ecosystem will survive with missing out on these wonderful fucking human killers.

01:25:46.000 Look at those nostrils. 0.95

01:25:49.000 I'm actually scared of it behind me right now.

01:25:53.000 All right, next.

01:25:57.000 That's the same one.

01:25:58.000 Different angle.

01:26:00.000 Oh, God, this sucked.

01:26:01.000 They're like, this is a local delicacy.

01:26:03.000 Never have a local delicacy.

01:26:05.000 It goes, you're going to love this.

01:26:07.000 It's very juicy.

01:26:08.000 It's rice and beans and pulled pork.

01:26:10.000 That sounds good.

01:26:10.000 And then the bottom is so juicy with the rice and pork rinds.

01:26:14.000 I'm like, okay, that sounds, I like the word juicy.

01:26:16.000 You know what juicy means?

01:26:17.000 I might puke just describing this.

01:26:22.000 Massive clumps of fat.

01:26:24.000 Yeah.

01:26:25.000 Like, oh, that's Puerto Rican too?

01:26:27.000 Yeah, fat's good.

01:26:30.000 So take like, I might not get through this, but take like a small milk glass and fill the bottom third with mayonnaise.

01:26:37.000 That's the texture of the fat.

01:26:41.000 And you either spit it out into a napkin, which I should have done, or you just let it slither down your throat.

01:26:48.000 I'm not talking like steak where there's a chewy piece of fat.

01:26:51.000 I mean this like amorphous.

01:26:57.000 And so I'm sitting there about to puke and my wife sees me and she goes, what's going on?

01:27:01.000 I go, and then I let the fat slide down my mouth like a giant's jizz.

01:27:09.000 And I go, ate a lot of fat, can't talk about it.

01:27:12.000 I almost projectile vomited.

01:27:14.000 But that was a nice little spot.

01:27:19.000 Where is this now?

01:27:21.000 Looks like a church.

01:27:25.000 Crosses on there?

01:27:26.000 I don't know where the fuck that is.

01:27:30.000 So there's the thing.

01:27:32.000 Wait, zoom in on those.

01:27:34.000 Maybe my wife took that on a day trip that I wasn't on. 1.00

01:27:40.000 I wasn't there.

01:27:42.000 That's something else.

01:27:43.000 Sorry, folks.

01:27:44.000 You know, we have from your last vacation.

01:27:46.000 We never went over them.

01:27:49.000 I guess I slept in that day.

01:27:51.000 Oh, that was when we were in Seattle.

01:27:56.000 This is the Sim2.

01:27:57.000 It's the club Tiger Woods Cuses.

01:28:00.000 I almost said Obama.

01:28:03.000 That is such an awesome driver.

01:28:07.000 This is the place we were staying.

01:28:08.000 I got a bunch of range balls and just started driving them into the bay.

01:28:15.000 There's a boat on the horizon yet.

01:28:17.000 I think this sucks.

01:28:19.000 Don't get your hopes up.

01:28:26.000 Hit the ground.

01:28:28.000 One time we almost hit a boat.

01:28:29.000 We had to drop our stuff and run away.

01:28:33.000 That's the bird, which is the bald eagle, right?

01:28:35.000 Yep.

01:28:36.000 There's a bird which is the bald eagle eating a mouse.

01:28:40.000 Leave that mouse alone, you jerk. 0.95

01:28:43.000 Oh, my God.

01:28:44.000 Leave it alone.

01:28:45.000 Stop it.

01:28:46.000 Everyone thinks it's cool to see a bird eating its prey.

01:28:49.000 Not if you're a mouse.

01:28:52.000 You say the early bird gets the worm?

01:28:54.000 The early worm gets eaten.

01:28:57.000 Oh, this was from that.

01:29:00.000 Tacoma is rife with cowboy bars.

01:29:04.000 And they're not a novelty.

01:29:06.000 Like, people are really line dancing and doci-doughing.

01:29:09.000 I think the fact that it's a blue state is from election fraud.

01:29:14.000 Because the people there are not pro-Antifa.

01:29:16.000 They all fucking hate Antifa.

01:29:18.000 Yet it's an Antifa state.

01:29:21.000 It's a redneck place. 1.00

01:29:22.000 It's pioneers.

01:29:23.000 And cowboys are everywhere.

01:29:25.000 And this woman seems to have forgotten her panties. 1.00

01:29:30.000 You don't get laid a lot when you travel, so some of my videos are a little raunchy.

01:29:37.000 She got kicked off for this.

01:29:38.000 They're super strict.

01:29:39.000 Like if you wear your shoes or if you're revealing your buttocks. 0.73

01:29:42.000 I can't tell if that's a thong or not.

01:29:45.000 Oh, she ruined it. 0.99

01:29:49.000 Yeah, that shouldn't really be in my Costa Rica file.

01:29:53.000 Did we finish all the pictures?

01:29:54.000 Should we get back to this illuminating news show?

01:29:58.000 Oh, that's me.

01:30:03.000 It's really, it's a lot harder than it looks.

01:30:05.000 This also I considered not showing.

01:30:09.000 This is hurting the brand.

01:30:12.000 I'm sorry.

01:30:13.000 First of all, I'm wasted.

01:30:14.000 But secondly, there's a lot of centrifugal force. 0.97

01:30:18.000 So when it goes like that, you've got all 200 pounds of you to save.

01:30:22.000 Oh, yeah, this is more videos from the zoo.

01:30:25.000 That was cool.

01:30:25.000 Go back.

01:30:26.000 The guy hits my phone out of my hand.

01:30:28.000 I'm sick of being fucking filmed all the time.

01:30:32.000 Hey, hi, cutie.

01:30:34.000 Fuck you.

01:30:37.000 That's going kind of monkey.

01:30:39.000 I am getting sick of you assholes with your cameras.

01:30:42.000 Yeah.

01:30:43.000 Fuck off.

01:30:44.000 Okay, rules.

01:30:45.000 Keep going, though.

01:30:46.000 Was there more?

01:30:47.000 Yes.

01:30:48.000 Okay, we got this.

01:30:50.000 In the animals file.

01:30:52.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:52.000 Check, turn up, turn this up.

01:30:55.000 Doesn't this look fake?

01:30:58.000 Yeah, it does.

01:30:59.000 Because his eyes Look too real, like human.

01:31:06.000 It looks like Disney animatronics or Fantastic Mr. Fox or something.

01:31:11.000 Maybe because I've never seen a coyote go up close before.

01:31:16.000 They stole this from a farmer, he had it chained to a tree, and it was used to chase away predators.

01:31:22.000 Okay.

01:31:24.000 Sounds good to me.

01:31:26.000 Why did you take him?

01:31:27.000 What did you rescue him for?

01:31:28.000 Now he's in a cage.

01:31:30.000 Whereas before he was chained up, at least he was outside.

01:31:33.000 Like, did you really help out?

01:31:36.000 These are wild turkeys.

01:31:37.000 They're in mating season, so they don't give a fuck about you. 1.00

01:31:41.000 And they're not shy.

01:31:43.000 They're horny. 1.00

01:31:47.000 If you listen close, you can hear him say, me so horny.

01:31:52.000 Me so horny.

01:31:55.000 I asked if they eat them, but they don't.

01:31:58.000 The meat's really tough.

01:32:01.000 By the way, if you're a species out there, I highly recommend you being not tasty if you'd like to survive for as long as, say, crocodiles.

01:32:11.000 What else have you got?

01:32:11.000 Why do you keep showing me there?

01:32:13.000 That's not very professional.

01:32:15.000 Oh, that's a close-up of Kati Mundi.

01:32:17.000 Kawati Mundi?

01:32:24.000 Okay, don't show your computer.

01:32:26.000 Are you done?

01:32:27.000 I think we're done.

01:32:27.000 I think we go.

01:32:28.000 Plus, I think everyone's sick of hearing about my trip.

01:32:30.000 Anyway, sorry I was gone for so long.

01:32:32.000 Won't happen again, folks.

01:32:34.000 Let's get back to the news.

01:32:37.000 Oh, that's those.

01:32:37.000 That's those little stingless bees.

01:32:40.000 Look, they make...

01:32:41.000 That tube is made by them. 0.97

01:32:42.000 That's how they get in and out of the hive.

01:32:47.000 That's it.

01:32:48.000 All right.

01:32:48.000 Very anticlimactic ending.

01:32:50.000 Yes, it is very anticlimactic.

01:32:52.000 We've seen those stingless bees three times now. 1.00

01:32:55.000 Kwati Mundi's, I don't know how many times.

01:32:57.000 Maybe please get back to the show.

01:33:00.000 Yes, we will get back to you.

01:33:02.000 Sorry, B. Thank you.

01:33:05.000 All right.

01:33:06.000 Well, I've gobbled up so much of my time that we barely have time for the mailbag.

01:33:16.000 But we'll hit it.

01:33:18.000 And then the final video.

01:33:19.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.

01:33:24.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.

01:33:30.000 Let me touch it.

01:33:36.000 Boy, there's a lot going on here.

01:33:41.000 I have weeks and weeks and weeks of mail.

01:33:45.000 But we can only do a few because someone hogged the entire show.

01:33:51.000 Dudes, Ryan doing Gavin was legit one of the funniest episodes I've ever seen.

01:33:56.000 Do this shit more often.

01:33:58.000 Dang.

01:33:59.000 Pull it up.

01:34:00.000 I haven't watched it yet.

01:34:01.000 At all?

01:34:02.000 I just watched, no, a few seconds of it.

01:34:04.000 I just found out about it like an hour ago.

01:34:07.000 That's hilarious.

01:34:08.000 But you tend to stop doing imitations.

01:34:13.000 It's hard to do a long.

01:34:14.000 It was an hour and a half, just about.

01:34:16.000 Dude, I could do a Scottish guy for three days. 0.53

01:34:18.000 That's true.

01:34:20.000 But you've been doing that a lot.

01:34:23.000 For years, you've been doing that.

01:34:26.000 And we used Hollowed's...

01:34:28.000 You know, Hollowed was the tech, was the Ryan.

01:34:31.000 And we used this.

01:34:32.000 That guy's got to get a fucking haircut.

01:34:34.000 He will never.

01:34:36.000 He didn't want me to get my haircut.

01:34:39.000 What?

01:34:39.000 He's like a hair long supremacist.

01:34:42.000 Shouldn't you have a suit on?

01:34:44.000 Well, no, sometimes you dress like...

01:34:47.000 Or you wear a company shirt.

01:34:57.000 Terrible so far.

01:34:59.000 But that's just the regular intro.

01:35:02.000 That's a heavy radio.

01:35:06.000 I bought that because I wanted an old boom box.

01:35:11.000 And I tried to look up boom boxes.

01:35:14.000 And I asked a friend, he said, oh, those are going to cost $300.

01:35:17.000 And I found it for like $70.

01:35:20.000 So don't always listen to your friends.

01:35:22.000 So I've been on vacation for a long time.

01:35:25.000 And, you know, people are getting angry.

01:35:27.000 They're like, where's Gavin?

01:35:30.000 But yesterday we put up a Gary's mailbag.

01:35:34.000 And I think everybody's black lines on your eyes.

01:35:37.000 Enough to get off my back because I work pretty hard.

01:35:43.000 And on the vacation episode, Thanksgiving.

01:35:48.000 We'll have episodes.

01:35:50.000 We make sure of that.

01:35:51.000 So this is the first time in a long time that the Gav man's been able to just chill out. 0.88

01:35:58.000 I think that the glasses get explained.

01:36:01.000 We're going to be back on Monday.

01:36:02.000 I'm getting bored.

01:36:04.000 I'll put on the wrong glasses and we'll shoot two pairs of glasses today because sometimes I'll put on the wrong glasses and we'll shoot like three or four minutes of gold.

01:36:16.000 And then I'll realize I have the wrong glasses on.

01:36:19.000 So I'll stop and then we'll start it all over again.

01:36:22.000 So now I have two pairs, just in case, which is the right one.

01:36:26.000 I think these are the ones that I wore when I covered for Gavin on the Gavin McKinnon show.

01:36:30.000 Show back to Ryan.

01:36:32.000 At my old alma mater.

01:36:34.000 Okay.

01:36:34.000 And then there's bits and segments.

01:36:37.000 I'll check it out.

01:36:39.000 You got the backgrounds working?

01:36:41.000 Did a great job.

01:36:42.000 I'm not sure you're allowed to do that without my permission.

01:36:45.000 It was in a group text, and we assumed you saw it.

01:36:51.000 Victorian England, 1901 in HD Color.

01:36:54.000 Check out this footage from England in 1901 of laborers.

01:36:57.000 I found it fascinating.

01:36:58.000 At 450, a fight kicks off.

01:37:00.000 We were definitely a tougher breed back then.

01:37:02.000 Well, yeah, right?

01:37:03.000 It's still the end of the Industrial Revolution.

01:37:09.000 Hello, my name is Danitz.

01:37:13.000 Thank you for subscribing to my channel.

01:37:16.000 Here I will show amazing things that have been done.

01:37:18.000 Oh, that's annoying.

01:37:22.000 Boys, oh, boys, and men, were men.

01:37:26.000 Maybe we could use a man like Winston Churchill again.

01:37:32.000 Piccadilly Surface Circus.

01:37:35.000 I've seen this footage.

01:37:36.000 This was an ancient Chinese secret.

01:37:40.000 And I just, I love the idea of a fight happening and no one talking about it the next day.

01:37:45.000 No lawsuits.

01:37:46.000 No cops called.

01:37:48.000 Like, these guys might not even remember this.

01:37:52.000 Who's Alan?

01:37:53.000 Alan, you fought him when we were leaving work last year.

01:37:56.000 I did?

01:37:56.000 No, I didn't.

01:37:58.000 Yeah, you did.

01:38:00.000 It was on YouTube in the future.

01:38:02.000 Oh, right.

01:38:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:04.000 Because he called my wife fat. 0.99

01:38:09.000 The end.

01:38:09.000 Is that a kid in there?

01:38:11.000 Yeah, little kids hard at work.

01:38:14.000 Anyway, COVID variants part of the plan?

01:38:18.000 Asks this baby monster.

01:38:20.000 Remember, we call our viewers baby monsters?

01:38:25.000 And we'll have, by the way, everything's back to normal now.

01:38:28.000 Tuesday, tomorrow will be a normal show.

01:38:30.000 Wednesday is compound censored.

01:38:32.000 Thursday is baby monster live.

01:38:34.000 Friday is a normal show.

01:38:36.000 Don't you, what a what a back.

01:38:38.000 Gav, Asian Gav, with the possibility that these vaccines are causing the variants, what?

01:38:45.000 Might this part be part of some master plan to attack the disobedient and help the obedient?

01:38:52.000 But wait a minute.

01:38:52.000 He says that the vaccines are causing the variants.

01:38:55.000 So it would be punishing the obedient and rewarding the disobedient because disobedient people don't get the vaccine, which is now going to be mandatory for flying, which will mean a lot less black people will be flying, which means I might not have as many stories for my next trip. 0.54

01:39:14.000 By the way, the book I was trying to remember is called NYPD True.

01:39:18.000 And I read a lot of cop books, and the grammar on them is terrible, and it's part of the charm.

01:39:23.000 You can almost, especially the New York guys, you can hear their accent.

01:39:27.000 That dude I had on the show, the green chameleon, the guy who had a great career as a detective in Colorado, and caught the dude who shot him 50 years later.

01:39:36.000 He got shot in 71, and he just caught the guy.

01:39:43.000 Yeah, the blue chameleon, sorry.

01:39:45.000 It's all over the place.

01:39:47.000 He'll go off at a tangent.

01:39:48.000 He'll have a story that's like three sentences.

01:39:50.000 Some story will be two chapters.

01:39:52.000 It was fun.

01:39:54.000 It's a fun book to read.

01:39:55.000 I like it.

01:39:56.000 Now, if you want intellect, Heather McDonald's War on Cops is a fucking masterpiece. 1.00

01:40:02.000 I wish I could make the entire country read it at gunpoint.

01:40:05.000 There are so many intense stats in there about the myths of black crime and the whole concept that cops are out hunting them and disproportionately arresting them and all that shit about like the punishment for crack cocaine was way worse than cocaine.

01:40:22.000 She explains all of those myths in great detail.

01:40:30.000 Like the whole thing about whites actually do more drugs than blacks, but blacks get prosecuted for it more. 0.98

01:40:36.000 They looked into that study and they've discovered the blacks were lying about it more. 1.00

01:40:39.000 They did a study where they took your hair out and tested your hair and blacks were seen to be doing way more drugs than whites. 0.98

01:40:46.000 Stuff like that.

01:40:47.000 But she also talks about blacks who aren't involved in crime and how they're ignored and, you know, it's not like it's a pro-white, anti-black book.

01:41:01.000 There are lots of scientific papers on what happens with vaccines that do not eliminate the virus.

01:41:05.000 The consensus seems to be, since the vaccines don't stop people from being infected and don't kill the virus, they adapt, mutate, and become stronger.

01:41:14.000 The vaccine is like wearing a bulletproof vest.

01:41:16.000 You can still get shot in the chest, but with a vest, you reduce your side effects.

01:41:20.000 This guy's pro-vaccine, I guess.

01:41:22.000 I love diving down these conspiracy theories who knows exactly what's going on with this mayhem.

01:41:26.000 I'd love to hear your thoughts and commentary on this.

01:41:31.000 I don't believe in the vaccine.

01:41:34.000 I think that old people should probably get it. 1.00

01:41:36.000 Fat people should probably get it. 1.00

01:41:38.000 But the whole thing about COVID is the lesson to glean has been ignored.

01:41:42.000 And it is we in America have an obesity problem.

01:41:46.000 Now, we've had pandemics before.

01:41:48.000 We had a brutal one in 69, the same year we had Woodstock.

01:41:51.000 And they kill the old. 0.98

01:41:53.000 So there's nothing to learn from all these old people dying besides the fact that old people are vulnerable and we knew that. 1.00

01:41:59.000 And you shouldn't put infected patients in old folks' homes, which Cuomo did because he didn't want to put them on a boat that Trump sent because he's a fucking psychotic, evil human being who killed 14,000 old people.

01:42:13.000 I think the whole lesson from COVID is fat.

01:42:15.000 You need to get in shape.

01:42:17.000 Stop being fat.

01:42:18.000 You're vulnerable.

01:42:19.000 You will die.

01:42:20.000 And no one's picked up on that.

01:42:22.000 Joe Rogan is talking about it like this week, but otherwise, it's been totally ignored by the media.

01:42:29.000 And if you talk to a surgeon, a doctor, about the obese patients in his hospital, it's hair-whitening.

01:42:37.000 It's shocking the amount of self-abuse these fucking fat idiots do to themselves and the amount of dead bodies.

01:42:45.000 But no one likes to talk about it because fat people buy shit.

01:42:48.000 And I've told you a million times at Fox News, they would tell me to take it easy on the fatties because they pay our bills. 0.99

01:42:56.000 The why of things.

01:42:59.000 Gavin Rai, please say you're covering this today in the episode after she and Cardi B's nasty video.

01:43:04.000 Apparently it's not doing well.

01:43:06.000 So Lizzo's take is it's fat phobic, it's racist, it's hurtful.

01:43:13.000 Since when are we forced to fully embrace exceptions to the rules as rules?

01:43:17.000 Since when are we not allowed to criticize obesity and vulgarity in public?

01:43:21.000 Lizzo twerking that 380-pound fanny in see-through spandex with an obviously pregnant Cardi B? 0.98

01:43:27.000 Question mark?

01:43:28.000 Since when does the world have to consider that high art?

01:43:31.000 Can we call her phobic of the things she doesn't like?

01:43:34.000 She certainly does enough of that to everyone else. 1.00

01:43:37.000 I feel like I should be the happiest.

01:43:42.000 It just.

01:43:44.000 You're a fat, hideous pig who's constantly nude.

01:43:47.000 That's just a fact.

01:43:49.000 I feel so down.

01:43:51.000 You should.

01:43:55.000 You should feel down.

01:43:56.000 You ate so much food, you turned yourself into a Walking, a ticking time bomb.

01:44:04.000 I've been working triple time.

01:44:06.000 She feels so bad that her.

01:44:07.000 I was listening to Rhonda Rousey on Howard Stern the other day, and she was talking about when she was at Olympic Judo, how she would always get in shit from her coach for not for weighing too much.

01:44:16.000 And she had to be, whatever it was, 65 kilograms or whatever, 135. 0.98

01:44:21.000 I can't remember the number.

01:44:23.000 But, like, go to a boxing gym.

01:44:25.000 That's all they talk about in the dressing room is getting their weight down. 0.90

01:44:28.000 That's what boxing is.

01:44:30.000 It's all weight talk.

01:44:32.000 You don't, you don't want to.

01:44:33.000 Someone like me is fat enough to be in a heavyweight.

01:44:36.000 I could fight Mike Tyson.

01:44:37.000 He would murder me before he even got in the ring.

01:44:40.000 I would die of fear.

01:44:42.000 I'd die of shitting my pants to death.

01:44:44.000 So I want to get out of the heavyweight class.

01:44:46.000 I want to get down to someone who won't murder me too fast.

01:44:52.000 Anyway, who gives it?

01:44:53.000 This is crazy here.

01:44:55.000 So the official video is third in line.

01:44:59.000 There's the lyric video.

01:45:02.000 There's the explicit audio without a music video.

01:45:06.000 And the third one is so they can put it up without getting it taken down?

01:45:12.000 Maybe.

01:45:30.000 Yeah.

01:45:30.000 Which it hurt that's true.

01:45:32.000 Yeah.

01:45:32.000 I fuck him and you, yeah.

01:45:34.000 If you believe I do that, had to cut some hoes loose, yeah. 1.00

01:45:39.000 So it's another song about fucking wet pussies and bitch. 1.00

01:45:43.000 I don't give two shits.

01:45:45.000 All the rumors are true, yeah.

01:45:46.000 I've been in the turn.

01:45:48.000 Focused on this museum.

01:45:52.000 Last year I thought I wouldn't lose it.

01:45:55.000 Re chick on the end. 0.72

01:45:56.000 My tootie put into my car.

01:46:02.000 Spending all your time trying to break a woman down. 1.00

01:46:07.000 Like a generic okay-pop song to me.

01:46:16.000 Let me out the house, bitch. 1.00

01:46:19.000 You like how the bass sounds fat?

01:46:21.000 I'm a big ass bitch. 1.00

01:46:22.000 You notice the bass sounds like a fat, like mom? 0.96

01:46:26.000 I like how it's all about how I'm a big ass bitch, and you better get with me. 1.00

01:46:29.000 You better get correct because I got a big fat ass, and I don't care what you think. 0.99

01:46:32.000 And then people go, ah, it's kind of a gross video with their big fat ass. 0.94

01:46:35.000 And she's like, I can't believe people said I'm have a big fat ass. 0.95

01:46:41.000 That's your song.

01:46:42.000 That you don't care.

01:46:43.000 Your song is called, I got a big fat ass, go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:46:47.000 And then we go, you have a big fat ass, you go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:46:50.000 And then she starts crying.

01:46:51.000 That's Cardi got to say it.

01:46:52.000 Yeah.

01:46:53.000 Oh, she's pregnant. 1.00

01:47:00.000 They're posted on rugs on the screen.

01:47:13.000 Teach me about big cupboards.

01:47:15.000 Last time I got free, get the FBC on me.

01:47:17.000 But I'ma keep doing what I wanna do.

01:47:21.000 It just sucks.

01:47:22.000 It's just the parody of humanity.

01:47:24.000 It's sort of like, remember Charlie's Angels, the second remake?

01:47:27.000 And they said, oh, it did badly because of sexism. 0.99

01:47:30.000 And you go, really?

01:47:31.000 The one with Lucy Lou and Drew Barrymore made hundreds of millions of dollars.

01:47:35.000 It was a massive hit.

01:47:36.000 That had women in it too, dumbass. 1.00

01:47:39.000 It's just these people keep going to the like, it's because I'm a woman or I'm black or I'm fat because they can't.

01:47:45.000 We have to stop letting them get away with it.

01:47:47.000 Say, no, it's because you suck.

01:47:51.000 This movie ruled.

01:47:53.000 Yeah, it's on Censor Presents.

01:47:55.000 It's Presents.

01:47:56.000 It's on what?

01:47:57.000 Censor Presents.

01:47:58.000 Us watching it with the commentary.

01:48:01.000 Oh, no, we watched the shitty one, you retard. 1.00

01:48:03.000 Oh, this is the good one?

01:48:06.000 Wrong again.

01:48:07.000 This is the good one?

01:48:08.000 Oh, yeah, it is.

01:48:08.000 Yeah, Bill Murray.

01:48:10.000 It was, see, it had an element of humor.

01:48:11.000 You know what a movie I saw on vacation that's really good is Baywatch.

01:48:16.000 It's sort of like, it's funny how people talk about the Proud Boys and they're totally devoid of humor and they're like, they have a ritual where they name breakfast cereals and it's so evil and dangerous.

01:48:26.000 They've just missed out on the humor.

01:48:29.000 And I was watching Baywatch the way these HuffPo journalists or Independent or The Guardian or Daily Beast, the way they see things.

01:48:38.000 And I could see watching Baywatch in a serious way and being like, that's bullshit.

01:48:43.000 And not getting the jokes.

01:48:44.000 And I realized that's how they live their lives.

01:48:48.000 They are humorless cunts.

01:48:52.000 Yeah, it's really funny.

01:48:54.000 Oh my God.

01:48:56.000 I also watched Barb and Stars Adventure written by Kristen Wigg.

01:49:05.000 It is the most self-indulgent piece of stupid garbage you've ever seen in your life.

01:49:12.000 It's a comic book for kids.

01:49:14.000 It's Captain Underpants.

01:49:16.000 One of the scenes, they're on the edge of a cliff, and the evil woman who's over the top painted white, she looks ridiculous.

01:49:25.000 She's going to say, you can either jump off this cliff and die or you'll get eaten by alligators. 0.66

01:49:30.000 Okay?

01:49:30.000 So they decide, I'd rather jump to my death.

01:49:33.000 So they jump to their deaths, but they have culottes on and those act like umbrellas and they slowly land perfectly.

01:49:43.000 So now they've created, like it's a realistic movie for some of it, and then in that thing, all of a sudden pants are magic.

01:49:50.000 Like women have trouble with the parameters of a comedic universe. 1.00

01:49:55.000 You have to commit.

01:49:57.000 So if now there's no such thing as gravity, okay, now you're making a space movie.

01:50:03.000 Like you can't just change the rules of physics in one part and not the other parts.

01:50:10.000 Wait, they're making a...

01:50:13.000 This is not Barb and Star.

01:50:14.000 Yeah, it's a mistake.

01:50:16.000 Mr. Parody.

01:50:16.000 Yeah, all their trailers were really weird, which is good because it makes you less likely to go check it out.

01:50:24.000 It fucking sucks.

01:50:26.000 I'm Star.

01:50:27.000 Short for Starbrook.

01:50:28.000 It's like Kristen Wigg made it for herself and her friend and that's it.

01:50:33.000 I want to thank Barb and Star for hosting tonight's talking club and for making their hot dog suit.

01:50:38.000 I like the salt.

01:50:39.000 I like the hat dad.

01:50:40.000 I would like it if that universe was the whole movie.

01:50:44.000 But no, they go to outer space, but it's Florida, but it's not, and they have threesomes, and there's drugs, and there's spies, and people die, and there's an evil super villain who's like going to blow, has trained mosquitoes that are going to kill everyone in the town because they were mean to her when she was a kid.

01:51:01.000 I mean, what?

01:51:04.000 And it's a musical just randomly, just once.

01:51:08.000 Utter shit.

01:51:14.000 I'm Bard, and this is Star.

01:51:16.000 Roll number again, please, sir?

01:51:17.000 6-11.

01:51:18.000 Anyway, don't watch it.

01:51:19.000 6-11?

01:51:21.000 Then I watched The Deer Hunter right after to cleanse the pellet, which I think is the greatest movie ever made.

01:51:26.000 Although, the guy who directed it, he also did the worst movie ever Wade, Having Kim Wade, I think it's called.

01:51:32.000 But he's a rich guy who fetishized working-class people, which I do too, I guess.

01:51:38.000 And he loves them so much that they're these sort of rumbling, bumbling, bamboozling, sweaty, drinking, bon vivants to the point of absurdity.

01:51:48.000 Like the first half of the movie, no, that's the end.

01:51:52.000 They're like, they've always got a beer in their hand.

01:51:54.000 They're falling down and running naked and jumping off things.

01:51:57.000 And it's like, dude, you like the working class a little too much. 0.99

01:52:02.000 They're not that fun.

01:52:05.000 Just look up beginning of, or look up wedding scene in Deer Hunter.

01:52:13.000 Their ties are half off.

01:52:14.000 They're all sweaty and falling and hugging and kissing.

01:52:18.000 It's like Bacchus in every scene.

01:52:22.000 Jump in the middle there.

01:52:27.000 That's just a boring wedding for them.

01:52:33.000 No farther.

01:52:37.000 Well, that's when De Niro decides he wants Male Street.

01:52:41.000 But Christopher Watkin has her.

01:52:44.000 She's my girl.

01:52:48.000 Go away.

01:52:49.000 Anyway, it's an incredible movie.

01:52:51.000 And the best thing about it is you're in the factory with them at the beginning, and then boom, you're in Vietnam, and it's halfway over, like the war.

01:53:00.000 So there's no getting on a plane.

01:53:02.000 And that's probably how it felt.

01:53:04.000 Whereas like one day I was at the factory, the next day I was in a bamboo cage in Saigon.

01:53:09.000 Which, by the way, have you seen the viral videos or viral pictures going around of Americans being rescued from the American embassy in Saigon and Americans being rescued from the American embassy in Kabul?

01:53:20.000 And it's the exact same picture.

01:53:22.000 It's like the meme.

01:53:23.000 That's the same picture.

01:53:24.000 Same fucking helicopter.

01:53:30.000 See if you can find that while I read this.

01:53:32.000 This is from Tom McDonald.

01:53:34.000 Dear Gavman and Boy Blunder, honestly, hope Gavin had a great vacation.

01:53:38.000 Thanks for the good content while you're away.

01:53:40.000 You should do more.

01:53:40.000 Recycled stuff so often.

01:53:42.000 It was great to see some of those old bits and green screens without having to dig through.

01:53:47.000 That's not Photoshopped.

01:53:49.000 Wow.

01:53:50.000 One is Saigon in whatever it was, 74.

01:53:53.000 One is Kabul like yesterday.

01:53:57.000 Way to go, Joe.

01:53:59.000 You're worse than Carter.

01:54:00.000 Worse than Nixon.

01:54:02.000 Ah, Nixon wasn't bad.

01:54:05.000 I have to reiterate a gripe with the app video player, which does not have a 10-second rewind feature.

01:54:11.000 Despite your tech guy's insistence, it is there.

01:54:13.000 While it is a feature on the website video player, it is not a feature on the app video player, which may be the root of the confusion.

01:54:22.000 Anyway, have a good day.

01:54:24.000 News is rife with potential for content.

01:54:27.000 And then he adds, check out my new single, Tom McDonald.

01:54:31.000 Oops, I just sent that to you by mistake.

01:54:33.000 I meant to sent that to the tech guy.

01:54:36.000 There's a new update of the app coming up soon, and all of your gripes will be fixed.

01:54:41.000 All right, last letter before we go.

01:54:43.000 Ryan's GOML episode was not awful.

01:54:47.000 Huh.

01:54:48.000 Wow.

01:54:48.000 Look at you.

01:54:50.000 I'm impressed.

01:54:51.000 Thank you.

01:54:52.000 All right, let's get to the final video.

01:55:12.000 So we have a rough draft of the Lizzo video before she got Cardi B involved and she just used a duck.

01:55:23.000 I think it's pretty good.

01:55:25.000 I don't like the song that much.

01:55:29.000 So brave.

01:55:32.000 Astoundingly brave and original.

01:55:36.000 Wait, is that goose...

01:55:38.000 Is that duck trying to get up?

01:55:40.000 Yeah, I don't think he likes it.

01:55:42.000 Yeah, has he got some sort of wire holding him down?

01:55:44.000 Looks like it, doesn't it?

01:55:46.000 What's around his neck?

01:55:50.000 This is art.

01:55:51.000 This is high art.

01:55:54.000 This is America.

01:55:56.000 We let them win.

01:55:58.000 It's our fault in many ways.

01:56:00.000 I mean, Trump could have seen that they were manipulating the election for the four years he was in office.

01:56:04.000 He did nothing.

01:56:05.000 He did nothing to strangle big tech.

01:56:06.000 We barely got a wall.

01:56:08.000 And yes, the left has done a lot to sabotage our culture, as we can see from that video to that picture.

01:56:15.000 It's been quite a decline.

01:56:16.000 But we also allowed it to happen.

01:56:18.000 And there's some silver lining to this cloud, and that is that the radical left can see what their world is.

01:56:26.000 And their world is unemployment, inflation, tyranny, the Middle East collapsing, the world falling apart, unemployment, you know, CRT in schools, mask mandates, double vaccines.

01:56:41.000 It's the tyranny of the oppressed, and it's not going well, folks.

01:56:44.000 All we can hope is that they've learned from their mistakes and they can see that the world under a guy who did mean tweets wasn't so bad.

01:56:52.000 The patriarchy isn't so bad after all.

01:56:55.000 Anyway, I like you more than a friend.

01:56:57.000 Get fired, get in trouble, be brave and never stop fighting.

01:57:12.000 But as the wind changed direction and the triple battles of the fine, the crowd gonna whirl like crazy, get the fucking shallow bag in it.

01:57:31.000 Rock, we got it fall, rock, we gotta spawn.

01:57:38.000 Rock, we got his ball, rock, we got his ball.

01:57:42.000 I can't hold off these jet fighters.

01:57:45.000 You said you better run your base.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - August 17, 2021

S04E18 - KABUL HAS FALLEN

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript