Louder with Crowder - April 28, 2020


How to Deal With a Liberal Girlfriend | Life Advice | Ep 671 Louder with Crowder


Episode Stats


Length

32 minutes

Words per minute

220.17662

Word count

7,064

Sentence count

630

Harmful content

Misogyny

15

sentences flagged

Hate speech

13

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Guru Crowder and his good friend Gerald discuss anger management and how to deal with it. Plus, a call-in from a high school student who has a brain disorder and wants to know what to do when things set her off.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Louder with Crowder" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:03.000 Tap love!
00:00:05.000 With Guru Crowder.
00:00:07.000 That's right.
00:00:08.000 That's the sound of, uh... Well, for people who are too... Many people who are not Mug Club members, by the way. 0.52
00:00:12.000 It could be the first time.
00:00:14.000 We have a very, uh, significant, steep discount.
00:00:14.000 It's true.
00:00:14.000 It's the first.
00:00:18.000 Steep discount.
00:00:20.000 So steep.
00:00:20.000 I think it's steep.
00:00:21.000 People don't know, necessarily, that we do this every other Monday, depending intermittently with Mass Monday.
00:00:21.000 Steepest.
00:00:27.000 Usually my half-Asian lawyer, Bill Richmond, is not here.
00:00:29.000 It's usually just me and Gerald.
00:00:30.000 And you can send your requests for life advice at lifeadviceatladarothcrader.com.
00:00:36.000 Yes, sir.
00:00:37.000 Lots of keys.
00:00:38.000 Yeah, a lot of keys.
00:00:39.000 A lot of keys.
00:00:41.000 And, by the way, this is the time that I should warn you, of course, that if you are having any serious thoughts of self-harm, to seek professional counseling.
00:00:50.000 I am not a doctor.
00:00:51.000 That being said, doctors look at me with yearning, with longing in their eyes.
00:00:55.000 They do.
00:00:56.000 Longing, because I'm a mail-order guru.
00:00:59.000 So I actually... That's a higher echelon.
00:01:01.000 And in some ways, that's more important than a doctor, especially amidst this crisis.
00:01:05.000 Yeah.
00:01:06.000 We don't have enough gurus.
00:01:07.000 I'm available.
00:01:08.000 It's a shortage.
00:01:08.000 I'm gonna do a drinking game.
00:01:10.000 What's this?
00:01:10.000 Every time you pop those papers, I'm gonna drink.
00:01:12.000 Well, that's fine.
00:01:13.000 I'm good.
00:01:14.000 You don't need my excuse to drink.
00:01:16.000 That mug, by the way, it is filled to the brim with Irish whiskey.
00:01:20.000 Every time.
00:01:20.000 Every time.
00:01:21.000 So, okay.
00:01:22.000 Let's get to your letters.
00:01:23.000 Dear Senior Guru, Lord of all Gurus, only yielding to the true almighty God. 0.71
00:01:28.000 Wow, that's loud.
00:01:29.000 But do I yield?
00:01:30.000 You should.
00:01:32.000 I am a high school student and I have a brain disorder.
00:01:35.000 Yeah, I'm kidding.
00:01:36.000 Well see, when you say, really set me off, the etcetera is kind of important.
00:01:38.000 to be bothered by repetitive sounds.
00:01:41.000 Things like chewing gum, breathing heavily, tapping a pencil, etc. just really set me
00:01:46.000 off.
00:01:47.000 Well see, when you say really set me off, the etc. is kind of important.
00:01:55.000 What are the actions following that?
00:01:56.000 Is someone going to turn the microwave on and the family turns up dead on the news the next day?
00:02:01.000 I don't like, this is not an et cetera, et cetera.
00:02:06.000 Extrapolate.
00:02:06.000 End other things.
00:02:07.000 End other things.
00:02:08.000 End things of that nature.
00:02:10.000 And so on and whatnot.
00:02:14.000 Um, I know it sounds like I'm making this up, but bear with me.
00:02:17.000 I first noticed it when I found other people eating with their mouths open, annoying.
00:02:21.000 Well, we all do.
00:02:21.000 Yeah.
00:02:22.000 That's how this whole pandemic got started.
00:02:24.000 Well, and food falls out.
00:02:25.000 Seems logical enough.
00:02:26.000 However, this progressed into being such a problem that my brain turns to anger when these things occur.
00:02:31.000 It has really affected my relationships with my parents as to the point where it is almost impossible to have a quiet sit-down meal with my family.
00:02:38.000 I want to know what you would have to say about this.
00:02:42.000 Keep up the show.
00:02:43.000 These are awesome.
00:02:43.000 Fellow Mug Clubber, JCR.
00:02:45.000 I don't know what that stands for.
00:02:46.000 I don't have a whole lot to say about this if you haven't been diagnosed
00:02:50.000 and haven't sought out professional counseling.
00:02:53.000 Like I know, I find it annoying when people eat with their mouth open
00:02:55.000 or chew gum with their mouth open.
00:02:58.000 But I don't fear my own capabilities at that point as to what I could carry out.
00:03:03.000 Your et cetera is limited, right?
00:03:05.000 Whereas this one may not be.
00:03:07.000 My et cetera, like what do I do when someone's chewing with their mouth open?
00:03:10.000 My et cetera is like, stop.
00:03:14.000 Cut it out.
00:03:15.000 Yours might involve a trip to the shed, machete, sharpening tools,
00:03:19.000 storing human heads in your freezer.
00:03:20.000 I don't know.
00:03:21.000 I mean, you've got a couple of good options here which is doing the whole counting method, right?
00:03:26.000 Right.
00:03:27.000 Someone's getting, it's the normal anger management techniques.
00:03:30.000 Yeah.
00:03:30.000 There's also the just leave the room and punch a wall and not punch a wall with someone in between you and the wall.
00:03:36.000 Right, right.
00:03:37.000 Yeah, that's a good idea.
00:03:38.000 Or if you have the reach, like Gerald, make sure there's nobody on the other side of the wall.
00:03:41.000 That's true.
00:03:41.000 There was one time he just hit a contractor.
00:03:44.000 I mean, he's just... Wait, it happened?
00:03:47.000 We settled the lawsuit.
00:03:49.000 Speaking of anger management, when I was a Early in my marriage, I've always struggled with anger issues.
00:03:55.000 And sometimes, and I've talked about this as a man, sometimes you get mad for your wife, but it seems like you're getting mad at your wife.
00:04:02.000 You know, we've talked about this.
00:04:02.000 I had a woman who was sort of a coworker who was borderline abusive, and you get mad, and then you realize there's not really much you can do because you can't go into your wife's place of work.
00:04:10.000 Same thing, I'm sure, if you have kids.
00:04:11.000 But one thing I will say that has really helped me in counseling.
00:04:14.000 I tried to do this for a while.
00:04:15.000 People talk about transcendental meditation.
00:04:17.000 I still don't know what that means.
00:04:18.000 I know guided meditation is so lazy.
00:04:21.000 I had this app.
00:04:22.000 Simple habit.
00:04:24.000 And this lady was talking about going to sleep. 1.00
00:04:26.000 She was supposed to be guiding me through meditation.
00:04:28.000 And you find yourself at a stairwell.
00:04:31.000 I swear to you, I don't know if it's still on there.
00:04:32.000 You find yourself at a stairwell.
00:04:34.000 And all the... You know, sounds and increased alpha waves.
00:04:37.000 The stairwell could be made of wood or another material.
00:04:44.000 Yes, exactly.
00:04:45.000 It's made out of pizza slices.
00:04:46.000 Let me know.
00:04:46.000 You are my guide.
00:04:48.000 So, I think meditation is made to seem a little more complicated than it is.
00:04:52.000 You know, this is sort of, in creating a barrier to entry, like we've kind of talked about sometimes with the CDC, where people feel as though they can't get the right information or everything that they say is wrong.
00:05:01.000 Like, can you use Everclear to sanitize something?
00:05:03.000 Well, yeah, you have to go through all the documents.
00:05:05.000 They say, yeah, but it's more expensive than hand sanitizer.
00:05:07.000 Well, I didn't ask you a budgetary question.
00:05:09.000 There is no hand sanitizer.
00:05:10.000 Can Everclear work?
00:05:11.000 It can.
00:05:12.000 Yes.
00:05:12.000 Same thing with meditation, where people try to make it sound more complicated than it really is.
00:05:15.000 Really, meditation is clearing your mind, or you can choose to use that time to focus on something specific.
00:05:22.000 And breathing is important.
00:05:23.000 So I will say, this is an exercise that has definitely helped me.
00:05:26.000 Breathe in, four count.
00:05:28.000 So breathe in, fill your belly, fill your chest, and breathe out with a seven count.
00:05:34.000 Breathe in and breathe out.
00:05:35.000 And so you kind of have to create a little bit of pressure.
00:05:36.000 Some, some people say go, some people say go, some people say go, but the point is you want that, you want that to go as low as it goes in because your pulse lowers when exhaling.
00:05:47.000 What if you go contrary to when inhaling?
00:05:48.000 So simple breathing and doing that 10 times counting.
00:05:52.000 I, it has helped me a lot when I get a little overwhelmed.
00:05:54.000 Yeah.
00:05:55.000 Quiet place, breathe.
00:05:56.000 And then if you go back and the sounds still bother you, you should probably avoid the, uh, The wet food market.
00:06:02.000 Is it wet food?
00:06:03.000 What is it?
00:06:03.000 Wet blood?
00:06:04.000 What's the live food markets there?
00:06:05.000 The live animals.
00:06:07.000 Anyway.
00:06:07.000 The whole reason for the coronavirus.
00:06:10.000 The live animal markets.
00:06:12.000 Wet blood.
00:06:12.000 I don't know what they call them.
00:06:13.000 China.
00:06:14.000 China.
00:06:14.000 Okay.
00:06:17.000 All right, so dear Guru Crowder.
00:06:19.000 Hope that helps.
00:06:20.000 My girlfriend and I. And I hope I don't do ASMR.
00:06:23.000 Son of a bitch. 0.88
00:06:24.000 Sorry, did I say that?
00:06:25.000 Oh no, no.
00:06:26.000 Etc, etc.
00:06:28.000 I hope he's in a safe place.
00:06:29.000 Gosh, I sound like my dog in the middle of the night.
00:06:31.000 I'm like, really right now?
00:06:32.000 You gotta be doing that.
00:06:33.000 Well, yeah, he does.
00:06:34.000 No, he doesn't.
00:06:36.000 Keep it up, Clarence.
00:06:37.000 All right, Clarence.
00:06:40.000 Dear Guru Crowder, My girlfriend and I have been going through our political views recently, which has led to some turmoil.
00:06:45.000 I'm a Christian, and my political views tend to follow my religious beliefs.
00:06:48.000 My girlfriend was raised a Christian, but does not believe because she was forced into Christendom by her parents.
00:06:54.000 Since her falling away from the faith, she has put her political views into two main categories—women's rights, mostly abortions, and environmental concerns.
00:07:03.000 She is more central on most topics, but would rather have abortions legal even after birth than illegal altogether.
00:07:10.000 I am searching for guidance in this trying time, dear Guru, especially since we have talked about marriage in recent months.
00:07:18.000 What should I do with someone I love but is also against most things I stand for?
00:07:22.000 Well obviously Gerald you should answer this but first don't marry the axe murderer.
00:07:25.000 Yes especially when she broadcasts I'm an axe murderer before the marriage.
00:07:30.000 She's leading with murder. 1.00
00:07:30.000 Right. 1.00
00:07:32.000 Yes, yes.
00:07:34.000 She should have saved that one for last.
00:07:35.000 So, look, I get it.
00:07:37.000 Honestly, my answer to this, for anybody who is serious about this, if you have such an opposing view on something like abortion, on environmental issues, you can say, oh, well, I think the environment, you know, they're overblowing it, but we should take care of the environment.
00:07:49.000 And somebody else is like, yeah, I think the environment needs to be taken care of, too, but I think we need to be much more involved.
00:07:53.000 And you can still kind of reconcile those two things pretty easily.
00:07:56.000 Half-Asian Bill breathes like a pug. 1.00
00:07:58.000 Does he really?
00:08:01.000 Don't do the breathing exercises into the microphone!
00:08:04.000 Bill, the repetitive guy that we just talked about said breathing!
00:08:06.000 Stop! 1.00
00:08:07.000 He just killed somebody!
00:08:08.000 He doesn't care about him.
00:08:09.000 I'm gonna stop breathing.
00:08:10.000 That's true.
00:08:11.000 Okay, well, I don't know about that.
00:08:14.000 Not all together now, Bill.
00:08:15.000 Alright.
00:08:16.000 So, you can reconcile, I think, environmental differences a little bit easier.
00:08:19.000 When it comes down to abortion, even after birth, to make sure... I wouldn't say even after birth.
00:08:24.000 That's what she said.
00:08:25.000 I would say particularly after birth.
00:08:27.000 So, I mean, when somebody says that... You're acting conciliatory, like, even... as though it's early, like, even the morning after, even... No, that's not the tone I was going for.
00:08:35.000 Yeah, I was going for, like, are you serious even after birth?
00:08:38.000 That's what I was trying to say.
00:08:39.000 I don't think there's a really good way of reconciling the opinions that you have to hold for that to be okay.
00:08:46.000 There's got to be some underlying things there that you guys are just not going to line up on, and it's going to be a great source of conflict.
00:08:52.000 Every time we have to answer one of these questions—and I appreciate it, lifeadvice at ladderwithcreditor.com—we've answered this many times.
00:09:00.000 Someone will trot out some individual story, like James Carville, and I always forget the name of his wife.
00:09:04.000 We're like, oh, a Democrat and a Republican.
00:09:06.000 As a general rule, it is close to impossible to have a long-term successful marriage and raise a family when you are on complete opposite ends of the political spectrum, because usually that's representative of your values, particularly as it relates to fundamental issues like life.
00:09:20.000 For example, you may both be Christians or you may both be atheists.
00:09:24.000 You may differ on fiscal policy.
00:09:26.000 One of you may think that a marginal tax rate of 52% is fine.
00:09:28.000 One of you may think it's 48%.
00:09:29.000 One of you may think we should increase.
00:09:30.000 That's different From the fundamental worldview as to whether life is valuable or not.
00:09:36.000 And in both of these instances, by the way, I don't want to get into this so much right now because this is a life advice show, but abortion and sort of the neo-environmentalist movement, they're both anti-people.
00:09:44.000 And they're both inextricably tied when you look at the idea of population control.
00:09:47.000 You look at eugenics. 0.98
00:09:49.000 This is something that the left believes.
00:09:50.000 AOC goes on a livestream and says, people feel anxiety.
00:09:53.000 Should they have children? 0.63
00:09:54.000 Because it's a moral dilemma in this climate change riddled world.
00:09:58.000 Well, actually, it's not.
00:09:59.000 It's not a moral dilemma.
00:10:00.000 And maybe it may be for you, but it shouldn't be with the person who's going to be your spouse.
00:10:06.000 It cannot be a moral dilemma for one and not the other.
00:10:09.000 It can't work long term.
00:10:11.000 And I don't understand how people are picking these relationships.
00:10:14.000 You have to have the same film tastes in common.
00:10:17.000 You both like board games.
00:10:19.000 We always try to find things in common that don't really matter.
00:10:21.000 What matters is how you view the world.
00:10:23.000 What matters are your fundamental principles.
00:10:25.000 And if they join up, particularly if you're talking about creating a family unit in the raising and rearing of children.
00:10:33.000 You shouldn't even be considering marriage whatsoever.
00:10:36.000 Yeah, I wouldn't think so, and not until you get some resolution to this.
00:10:39.000 If she just doesn't understand what she's saying, and she's making an argument from an emotional point, like, I'm a feminist, and doesn't really understand what she's saying, that's different than, I know what I'm talking about, I've researched this, it should be legal, even after birth. 0.63
00:10:51.000 That's crazy, that's just basic murder.
00:10:53.000 I don't even know how she, most people walk that back! 1.00
00:10:57.000 Norton walked it back, like, I didn't mean after birth, well, you did, but...
00:11:04.000 No.
00:11:05.000 Yes.
00:11:06.000 If I drink your life advice, I slip it up!
00:11:13.000 OK.
00:11:14.000 And by the way, Academy Award nomination.
00:11:16.000 That's how shitty Daniel Day-Lewis is.
00:11:18.000 People, I'd love to have Daniel Day-Lewis in Metal Tree.
00:11:20.000 Oh my god.
00:11:22.000 Daniel Day-Lewis, has he ever done anything not over the top?
00:11:25.000 Lincoln.
00:11:26.000 Has Daniel Day-Lewis ever done something that is just understated?
00:11:29.000 Lincoln?
00:11:30.000 Oh, for crying out loud.
00:11:31.000 That's not over the top!
00:11:33.000 Of course it's over the top!
00:11:34.000 You're sitting there going... Let's look at the butcher in Gangs of New York.
00:11:38.000 That's downright timid.
00:11:39.000 That's a kill, boy!
00:11:40.000 And then you look at There Will Be Blood.
00:11:42.000 I'll drink your milkshake!
00:11:44.000 Then you look at The Crucible.
00:11:45.000 Leave me my name! 0.93
00:11:48.000 Shut up! 1.00
00:11:50.000 Wasn't he in Last of the Mohicans as well?
00:11:53.000 Wasn't that him?
00:11:53.000 Last of the Mohicans was also a terrible film.
00:11:55.000 It wasn't that terrible.
00:11:56.000 It took him months to do this.
00:11:57.000 It wasn't terrible.
00:11:58.000 It took him months to prepare.
00:11:59.000 How dare you?
00:12:00.000 His whole spirit.
00:12:01.000 Get into the emotional state.
00:12:01.000 Right.
00:12:02.000 Well, I feel like this was the role where they're like, ah, this is the guy.
00:12:05.000 Yep, Daniel Day-Lewis.
00:12:06.000 And he's like, yeah, I can be there tomorrow.
00:12:07.000 I'm already ready.
00:12:07.000 Has anyone gone back and watched Last of the Mohicans recently?
00:12:09.000 Look, Daniel, just give me a call.
00:12:10.000 My blood alcohol is literally like 9% because of how many times you've popped it.
00:12:16.000 I really don't want to talk.
00:12:17.000 I'm not used to a physical paper.
00:12:19.000 It's true.
00:12:19.000 I can tell.
00:12:20.000 Have you gone back and seen Last of the Mohicans recently?
00:12:22.000 No.
00:12:22.000 It's been a while.
00:12:23.000 It's just a short action film that ends.
00:12:25.000 That's it.
00:12:26.000 Most action films end.
00:12:26.000 No, no, what I'm saying, it's not this, everyone thinks of it as this picturesque, academy-worthy picture, just a guy throwing a tomahawk around, and then you're like, oh, okay, I guess it's Daniel Day-Lewis and some suede.
00:12:37.000 There you go.
00:12:37.000 That sounds good.
00:12:38.000 That works out.
00:12:38.000 Yeah.
00:12:39.000 I like tomahawks.
00:12:41.000 Feathered pleather?
00:12:43.000 Next one, dear guru of all gurus, thank you, I appreciate your recognition.
00:12:43.000 Leather.
00:12:48.000 I did have to send it with two stamps.
00:12:51.000 My son is ten years old and I have started the talks with him about drugs and sex.
00:12:57.000 Okay.
00:12:58.000 Wow.
00:12:58.000 First off, ten is a little late for sex.
00:13:00.000 It's a little early for drugs.
00:13:03.000 You're right in the middle!
00:13:04.000 Is that guy from Detroit?
00:13:07.000 That's true.
00:13:08.000 This isn't like waiting to celebrate birthdays that are close, you just go in the middle.
00:13:11.000 You need to have these separate talks.
00:13:13.000 That's what they do in Detroit.
00:13:14.000 You know when you're a kid and you go on the beach and you have the medal finder?
00:13:17.000 You find a coin, silver, dollar.
00:13:18.000 They do that with crack.
00:13:20.000 In Detroit.
00:13:22.000 Math!
00:13:22.000 Look, it's a 30-gauge syringe!
00:13:24.000 Last time Kyle only got 28!
00:13:26.000 This is a diabetes needle, mine's right in the vein!
00:13:31.000 That's Detroit.
00:13:33.000 Listen, people raise their kids differently.
00:13:36.000 It's geographical differences.
00:13:38.000 We don't want to be that show that's out of touch.
00:13:41.000 You do you.
00:13:42.000 I was telling him that a man and woman don't have sex until they're married, and he called me out.
00:13:48.000 My wife and I have been together since the 10th grade, about 15 years, and we have two children, but we're not married until after the first child.
00:13:54.000 Well, you made it easy for him at this point.
00:13:57.000 I mean, if he's 10, if the kid can do basic additions and subtractions, let alone, if he knows his multiplication tables, if he's done his flashcards, you are screwed.
00:14:06.000 How can I tell them what's right when I did not follow my own advice in the past?
00:14:09.000 Any help, any and all help is appreciated.
00:14:11.000 Thank you.
00:14:12.000 PS, love the show.
00:14:13.000 That's part of my daily routine.
00:14:14.000 Well, we appreciate it, and that's why we wanted to make this available to as many people as possible for this month while they're in quarantine.
00:14:20.000 So, I will say this.
00:14:21.000 My parents did the same thing, because they were not Christians when they got married.
00:14:25.000 No, they didn't fudge the math.
00:14:28.000 We were born after they'd been married, and I would have been able to do the math.
00:14:31.000 Nine months, okay.
00:14:32.000 But they then became Christians, and then they obviously shared these views that we hold on the idea of waiting until you're married.
00:14:37.000 And I've written about this pretty extensively.
00:14:39.000 So they framed it in a way when they taught me and said, listen, the right way to do it is when a man and a woman really love each other, and they decide they want to spend the rest of their lives with one another.
00:14:48.000 They get married, and then they explain sex to me in no uncertain terms.
00:14:51.000 I knew exactly what it was.
00:14:51.000 I got into trouble in preschool because they were giving us the stork story, and I said, Mrs. Anderson, that's not true.
00:14:56.000 Let me break this down for you.
00:14:57.000 And I got in trouble.
00:14:58.000 You know why?
00:14:59.000 Because her daughter was in my class.
00:15:01.000 And she was telling—she had to keep the shitty lie alive for when she went home with her daughter.
00:15:01.000 Oh, no.
00:15:06.000 That's true.
00:15:07.000 So she reprimanded me in front of the class.
00:15:09.000 Like, the penis goes in the vagina. 1.00
00:15:12.000 And then we're like, what is this?
00:15:14.000 And I knew this as a kid, because I had to learn.
00:15:16.000 Except the one thing my parents never explained to me was what a vagina looked like. 1.00
00:15:19.000 So I still believe that it was where the wiener was, like in the front.
00:15:23.000 So I thought it was like a hole in the front, like death becomes her.
00:15:29.000 So that was one thing I wish I had learned early.
00:15:31.000 You learned talking about it with Bruce Willis?
00:15:33.000 I do, of course. With Bruce Willis.
00:15:35.000 Where the lady has a hole in her? 1.00
00:15:37.000 Anyway, the point I'm making here is you get to frame this discussion how you want with your children,
00:15:41.000 but you don't get to frame how authentically you get to have it with your children.
00:15:45.000 Well, this guy definitely doesn't because he already screwed the pooch on that one. 0.99
00:15:48.000 Yes, he did.
00:15:51.000 Look, if you're going to talk about these issues and no one can claim the moral high ground, you can still use it to say, hey, I made mistakes and here, let me, or I made something that I now believe is wrong and I want to talk to you about it, or here's why I didn't, and you can speak from a place, because one thing that you often hear, and at least I heard it a lot in church growing up, was, oh well my parents were perfect, they never did anything wrong, like they don't even don't even know about living life. Whereas a lot of the
00:16:14.000 parents, when you later would find out, they did live life. They chose the life that they
00:16:17.000 live now and the moral path that they're walking on because they had gone the wrong way.
00:16:21.000 That doesn't mean that everyone has to go one way so that they can realize what the moral
00:16:25.000 path is. But you can use those as examples to say, I'm a real person. I'm trying to help
00:16:30.000 you learn from my own mistakes.
00:16:33.000 As opposed to being like, yeah, no, we didn't do it, but I know that you learned.
00:16:36.000 Mom and Dad, you told me that in 1987 you met at a Christian youth retreat.
00:16:41.000 I presented Exhibit A, girls gone wild. 1.00
00:16:43.000 Is that not you licking your tits on Bourbon Street for beads? 1.00
00:16:47.000 Still want to enforce that curfew?
00:16:50.000 That's you, mom.
00:16:51.000 That is you licking your tits on Girls Gone Wild 4. 0.84
00:16:54.000 I always wondered whenever I saw those, I was like, these people are going to have children.
00:16:59.000 Yeah, I think a good example of this, my parents.
00:17:01.000 My dad had never done any drugs, ever.
00:17:04.000 And he's very honest about it.
00:17:05.000 My mom had smoked pot and stuff as a kid. 0.99
00:17:07.000 And when they talked to me about drugs, they were very honest about it.
00:17:09.000 My dad said, I have never done it.
00:17:10.000 I would tell you if I had.
00:17:12.000 This is why you don't want to do it, particularly when you're young.
00:17:12.000 Your mom has.
00:17:15.000 Same thing when they had the conversations about alcohol or sex.
00:17:17.000 They framed it and tried to be as transparent as possible, and then explain why the way they wanted me to do it was the right way.
00:17:25.000 And not just the right way in some abstract sense, because when you're young, you can't always understand the philosophy behind it, but why it was beneficial to me in ways that I would be able to actually Understand and quantify.
00:17:35.000 Yeah, and it equips your child to be able to make a choice.
00:17:38.000 Right.
00:17:38.000 Instead of just saying, well, this is what my mom and dad do.
00:17:40.000 Now, I understand that my dad or my mom didn't do it this way, but they also either experienced the consequences of that action or were very lucky not to.
00:17:48.000 And good advice is good advice.
00:17:48.000 Right.
00:17:49.000 Whether it's followed or not, it doesn't change that the advice is good.
00:17:52.000 It's just hard to get your kid probably to understand that if you constantly just tell them as though you were perfect throughout your whole life.
00:17:57.000 So I think that's right.
00:17:58.000 Don't lie to your kids.
00:18:01.000 There's like a hundred movies that come out a year that are like, if only I had told you the truth about the thing I had done before and the reason why I was giving you the advice is because I lived through the problem.
00:18:13.000 If you've watched any of those movies, just know it's not good to just wait and not talk about it.
00:18:18.000 Go back to the same example.
00:18:19.000 I've never seen any of those movies.
00:18:20.000 All of the movies were like, if I had only shared this one backstory about this thing that I've been helping you to stay away from, right?
00:18:26.000 Think Oedipus.
00:18:26.000 Is that the one where the mayor says he's not going to close down the beach on the 4th of July weekend?
00:18:30.000 Probably.
00:18:30.000 It's 4th of July weekend, what are you talking about?
00:18:33.000 I've seen that movie.
00:18:34.000 I've seen that one.
00:18:35.000 We should have listened.
00:18:36.000 Should have listened.
00:18:38.000 Should have listened.
00:18:40.000 What, he had another experience with a shark?
00:18:42.000 Oh, right.
00:18:43.000 Gerald Morgan.
00:18:44.000 LifeAdviceAtLightOffCrowder.com.
00:18:44.000 Hope that helps.
00:18:46.000 Dear Guru Crowder, I'm honestly not sure where to turn for this question. 0.96
00:18:49.000 By the way, everyone's getting the Guru right today.
00:18:51.000 They are.
00:18:52.000 We're getting pretty solid.
00:18:54.000 You may have called that one too soon, sir.
00:18:56.000 Foreshadowing.
00:18:57.000 But the other day my girlfriend revealed that two years ago she cheated on me and fooled around with an ex for about three months. 0.97
00:19:03.000 It was a pretty serious relationship.
00:19:04.000 We had been dating since high school.
00:19:07.000 They didn't technically have sex.
00:19:09.000 Technically, I'm glad you used that term.
00:19:10.000 So we now know that the ex is Bill Clinton.
00:19:13.000 Yes, exactly.
00:19:14.000 But still fooled around, and on top of that, I had been ring shopping recently.
00:19:19.000 I'm just unsure if I can trust her again and if the relationship can manage to get through this, or even if it's worth trying to fix.
00:19:24.000 I'm just at a complete loss of what to do.
00:19:26.000 On one hand, it's someone I care deeply for and was even probably going to get engaged to.
00:19:31.000 On the other hand, she did not completely No, she did completely betray me.
00:19:36.000 That's a big sticking point right there.
00:19:38.000 I was focused on the lack of punctuation.
00:19:40.000 I'm sorry, I was distracted.
00:19:41.000 Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
00:19:48.000 Alright, so this is a tough one because for some people, I wouldn't say some, I would say for most people this is the line.
00:19:56.000 No, here's, I'll tell you why.
00:19:58.000 I'm gonna say, Jared, you're being pretty wishy-washy right now.
00:20:01.000 No, listen, I know that there are some people out there who can get past something like that in a relationship, but it's very rare.
00:20:08.000 And you should if you're married.
00:20:09.000 Yes, I agree with that.
00:20:11.000 But, you know, other people, this is just a deadline, you can't get past this, and that's not gonna happen.
00:20:17.000 And I would fall on that side, where it's like, if somebody cheated on me dating, I would probably just be out because I don't know that I could ever trust that person.
00:20:23.000 If you're gonna do it while we're dating, I don't know that I could trust you.
00:20:26.000 If you were married, it would be entirely different advice.
00:20:27.000 I agree, yeah.
00:20:28.000 Marriage is different.
00:20:28.000 There are people who have healed from infidelity in marriage now, especially, and contextually, go back to other life advices.
00:20:35.000 We've talked about that.
00:20:35.000 If it's a one-time deal, someone makes a mistake, some people can't get past it, but a lot of marriages have.
00:20:42.000 That can happen, and it is important, particularly if you have children, to try and see what your options are and see how you can potentially fix a relationship that's fractured.
00:20:50.000 That being said, right now you are entering into a relationship with eyes wide open, where you know that this is a possibility, and this is someone who has betrayed your trust.
00:20:58.000 For me, it's pretty simple.
00:20:59.000 It wouldn't be worth it.
00:21:00.000 No, it wouldn't, because you're always going to have that second guess.
00:21:02.000 Like, oh, wait a minute.
00:21:03.000 She was late.
00:21:04.000 She's been at the office a few times.
00:21:05.000 Like, it's always going to be this seed that's planted in your head, too.
00:21:08.000 Especially because it's an ex.
00:21:09.000 That changes the context a whole lot.
00:21:10.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:21:11.000 It's not like she went out on a girls' night, right?
00:21:13.000 And she had too much to drink, and on the way home, when they were stopping at Vaughn's to get a pint of Penn & Jerry's, she slept with the bag boy.
00:21:18.000 It's not something like... It's like, this is an ex.
00:21:20.000 You're a lawyer!
00:21:21.000 You're a lawyer!
00:21:21.000 What are you doing with a grocer?
00:21:23.000 You're never going to let me forget about the bag boy.
00:21:27.000 You're a lawyer.
00:21:28.000 You're a guy's lawyer for three years.
00:21:30.000 You think he can forget about the bag boy.
00:21:32.000 You're a lawyer.
00:21:33.000 What are you doing with a grocer?
00:21:34.000 You're a lawyer.
00:21:35.000 You could do better.
00:21:36.000 It was a lot of fun.
00:21:37.000 You just wanted to slum it like the rest of us for today.
00:21:41.000 So I think there's no bones about it.
00:21:46.000 If this person doesn't feel like they can trust, trying to regrow, you definitely got to put any marriage consideration on pause.
00:21:54.000 You're more likely not going to be able to regrow that trust.
00:21:57.000 If you're in the mind that you're going to say there's only one person out there for you, you're not married.
00:22:03.000 You've still got the opportunity to be able to figure that out.
00:22:07.000 As hard as that may be.
00:22:08.000 And maybe you've gotten to the point where you are past it, and you truly are.
00:22:12.000 But if there is a harboring there, that harboring will more likely than not, given that it's pre-marriage, not get any better.
00:22:19.000 And will likely only get worse.
00:22:21.000 Well, we also don't have a timeline on this, by the way.
00:22:23.000 We don't.
00:22:23.000 It's revealed that two years ago she cheated on me with an ex for about three months.
00:22:28.000 It was a pretty serious relationship.
00:22:29.000 We were on a break!
00:22:31.000 If you think, by the way, if you think that you can get past it, I still wouldn't let her know.
00:22:36.000 I still wouldn't hand her an engagement ring.
00:22:39.000 And I'm not saying make her jump through hoops like a dolphin at SeaWorld, but I am saying she should have to earn back your trust, even if you are looking for a reason to forgive her.
00:22:48.000 Because sometimes we've done this, especially with parents with kids.
00:22:51.000 You want to excuse the inexcusable behavior because you love them, and maybe you think it's cute.
00:22:55.000 You were looking for a reason to forgive them.
00:22:58.000 And that's great, and you can still forgive this person without being in a toxic relationship with them.
00:23:03.000 But if you do find yourself wanting to be in a relationship, which I think all of us have advised against, don't tell her that right away because you're giving her carte blanche to just do this going forward.
00:23:11.000 Yeah, you can't get walked over again.
00:23:15.000 Two years for three months with an ex as an ongoing... No, absolutely not.
00:23:19.000 The more I read this, the more mad I get.
00:23:21.000 I don't care.
00:23:22.000 I appreciate that you called me, Guru.
00:23:23.000 I'm not mad with you.
00:23:25.000 I'm not mad at you.
00:23:25.000 I'm mad for you.
00:23:26.000 There you go.
00:23:27.000 Just being clear.
00:23:28.000 On your behalf.
00:23:29.000 By the way, I was reading an article, I think it was at Slate or Salon, where someone sent in a request for advice saying, I caught my boyfriend playing with himself to an old video of his ex-girlfriend.
00:23:43.000 Is this cheating?
00:23:45.000 And should I stop dating him?
00:23:47.000 And the person responded, well, my biggest concern is that that is a violation of consent, because I bet you his ex-girlfriend doesn't want to.
00:23:53.000 I'm like, that's your biggest concern?
00:23:56.000 It's retroactive removal of consent.
00:24:00.000 Like, listen, if they both took the video together, like, they would both have to delete it together.
00:24:03.000 Unless it was, like, through a hole in a wall or something.
00:24:06.000 No, no, no.
00:24:06.000 It was something, yeah.
00:24:07.000 It was a bizarre thing.
00:24:07.000 We're just going to show you that nothing good comes from Slate or Salon, aside from op-eds from pedophiles.
00:24:12.000 There you go.
00:24:14.000 What?
00:24:14.000 Do your research.
00:24:15.000 Salon.
00:24:16.000 We were the ones who highlighted a Salon pedophile.
00:24:18.000 It came up three times.
00:24:19.000 I'm a pedophile, but I'm not a monster.
00:24:20.000 They tried to hide it.
00:24:21.000 It should have been titled differently.
00:24:22.000 It should have been titled, I'm a pedophile.
00:24:24.000 Stop.
00:24:26.000 Hi, Stephen!
00:24:28.000 Last one, then we do have to get going.
00:24:29.000 Hi, Stephen.
00:24:30.000 No guru.
00:24:32.000 Is that a last name?
00:24:33.000 Wow.
00:24:36.000 I want to start off by saying that your show gave me a reason to wake up on Thursday mornings.
00:24:43.000 Interesting.
00:24:43.000 Okay, but it's at night.
00:24:45.000 Hey, maybe they're not from here.
00:24:47.000 Maybe they're international.
00:24:50.000 By the way, did I tell you that I tried to download Land Down Under from Men at Work?
00:24:55.000 Yeah.
00:24:55.000 But it said on Spotify the first thing that pops up is Men Working.
00:25:02.000 Yeah, it's not the original.
00:25:05.000 It's like Land Down Under.
00:25:06.000 I was like, this isn't the same tempo, is it?
00:25:08.000 It was like Men Who Are Working. 0.99
00:25:10.000 I swear to you, I have it somewhere, and I can't remember it from my playlist.
00:25:14.000 It's a ghost track.
00:25:15.000 The Workmen.
00:25:19.000 Hey, so tell us what the Australian says.
00:25:21.000 Hi, Steven.
00:25:22.000 I'm waking up on Thursday.
00:25:24.000 G'day. 0.97
00:25:25.000 I'd like to hear your advice on how to make people remember you.
00:25:28.000 What would you say to a person whose classmates don't even remember your name after you've worked with them for months?
00:25:33.000 I'll admit that this struggle, or whatever the hell you should call it, is probably largely due to my shitty personality, but I'm asking for your advice.
00:25:39.000 Alright, listen, I don't know that that's necessarily the case.
00:25:42.000 I can tell you this.
00:25:43.000 I had a tremendously shitty personality, but people remembered me for that.
00:25:47.000 I was going to say, if you have a shitty personality... That's your number one quality!
00:25:50.000 A thin line between famous and infamous.
00:25:52.000 Right.
00:25:52.000 It's true.
00:25:52.000 You're just not memorable.
00:25:53.000 I'm thinking it might be helpful for certain people like bosses and co-workers to know who I am.
00:25:57.000 If you've wasted this much time by reading this whole thing, I appreciate it.
00:26:00.000 I also appreciate your advice.
00:26:01.000 Okay, first off, listen.
00:26:03.000 I won't read the name.
00:26:04.000 Don't.
00:26:04.000 You've got to develop a little bit of confidence, sweetheart.
00:26:07.000 It's a girl here.
00:26:08.000 You're saying you've wasted this much time by reading this whole thing.
00:26:13.000 Here's the thing.
00:26:14.000 And I don't want to come down on you because obviously it sounds like you don't necessarily have a great self-image here.
00:26:19.000 That being said, sometimes that's a defense mechanism.
00:26:21.000 And I've used the defense mechanism of humor my entire life sometimes to try and shield myself from emotions, or at least from showcasing them to people who may not be in my close circle of friends.
00:26:30.000 So I understand defense mechanisms, but saying like, oh, I suck, oh, nobody likes me, oh, I have a crappy personality, is a way for you to kind of get to that insult before somebody else does, and it can become a crutch.
00:26:43.000 That's what I'm seeing written all over your letter here.
00:26:45.000 Outside of that, listen, you don't know how many people remember you or don't.
00:26:49.000 And that is true, there are some people who are quiet and they're less memorable than other people.
00:26:52.000 But what really matters is the people who do remember you.
00:26:55.000 What kind of impact do you have on their life?
00:26:57.000 How close are you?
00:26:59.000 The amount of impact that you make, or the volume of impact, isn't what matters so much as far as how many people you reach.
00:27:04.000 And I understand the irony in that being that I work in a role where we try to reach as many people as possible, but the intimacy and the quality of your relationships.
00:27:13.000 Now, if you find that lacking as well, that may mean that you need to put yourself out there a little bit more.
00:27:18.000 And if you put yourself out there a little bit more, what you can't do is put yourself out there a little more for people to like you, and then tell them that you don't even like yourself.
00:27:26.000 Now, I'm not saying that you need to be arrogant or cocky, but you do need to put your best foot forward and believe in what it is that makes you unique and believe in what it is that makes you valuable, what you bring to the table, because other people will be able to sense that on you.
00:27:39.000 And I think this is another thing too with this whole alpha culture.
00:27:41.000 I speak to men in the sense, I know you're a woman, where people try to talk about how to develop or like charm channels, how to develop charm, how you interact with, how to make people like you.
00:27:51.000 There are certainly ways to interact with people.
00:27:53.000 Some people may have an abrasive communication style.
00:27:55.000 This guy.
00:27:56.000 Some people may be a little bit quieter.
00:27:59.000 So you need to learn how to adapt yourself for certain social situations.
00:28:03.000 That being said, you cannot teach somebody to be likable.
00:28:07.000 in a step-by-step process or through some kind of a self-help book.
00:28:11.000 But in my experience, most people have qualities that are likable.
00:28:15.000 It's very rare that somebody doesn't.
00:28:16.000 It's exceedingly rare, which is why some people at The Young Turks are marvels.
00:28:21.000 They are modern miracles of science.
00:28:23.000 They're like, really, none of it?
00:28:26.000 And so I think you need to find what it is that makes you you and willingly put that
00:28:30.000 out there and don't shut it down as a method of preemptively doing so before someone else
00:28:34.000 can, because I'm seeing that a little bit.
00:28:36.000 Well, and I think, too, it's not their fault that they don't remember you.
00:28:39.000 If you are with classmates and co-workers and you find this to be a problem, it's not other people's fault.
00:28:44.000 You probably aren't engaging a whole lot.
00:28:45.000 You're probably withdrawing from these circles of people, and then when you go back into them, you're kind of surprised that people don't remember you.
00:28:52.000 I don't think it's necessarily a bad or a good thing, but if you desire people to remember you and maybe engage a little bit more, you've got to go.
00:28:58.000 You've got to go out there.
00:28:59.000 You've got to find out what people are interested in.
00:29:00.000 You've got to talk to people.
00:29:02.000 You've got to care about what's going on in their world before they're going to care about what's going on in your world sometimes.
00:29:06.000 So, yeah, just go do that and don't worry about it.
00:29:09.000 You know, one thing that I would say is really I've seen used very successfully for people who are introverts or kind of… Money?
00:29:15.000 Uh, yeah.
00:29:16.000 That certainly helps.
00:29:17.000 Yeah, that can help.
00:29:18.000 Just like the Joker on his float.
00:29:20.000 Michael Keaton.
00:29:21.000 Here you go.
00:29:21.000 The original one.
00:29:23.000 Also having a nine foot long revolver.
00:29:26.000 Right.
00:29:27.000 Yeah.
00:29:27.000 So, um, is when you go and talk to someone, I see the letter the same way Stephen does, which is it was kind of a limp in and a limp out, right?
00:29:34.000 You're like, Hey, I'm here, but don't worry.
00:29:35.000 I'll leave as quickly as I can.
00:29:36.000 You'll never know I was here.
00:29:37.000 Yes, right like oh, don't worry about my letters. No big deal. Even if you get the end. Oh my gosh
00:29:40.000 I can't believe you read it and I'm out whereas the one of the ways it's really successful is you don't have you if
00:29:45.000 you Can share about yourself?
00:29:47.000 There is something that you have that you're not sharing with other people that is likable or interesting or
00:29:52.000 memorable Yeah
00:29:53.000 But the other way to be memorable is not to have anything to do about yourself
00:29:56.000 but to listen to people and remember them People will remember people that remember them, which is crazy.
00:30:02.000 A lot of people that I've met, I remembered a couple things about them because I actually took an interest in them, and the next time I saw them, I reminded them, and I asked them about it.
00:30:10.000 And people will perk up their ears and go, oh my gosh!
00:30:13.000 You know what I remember about Susie?
00:30:15.000 She remembered me.
00:30:16.000 And then they become remembering.
00:30:18.000 Yeah, probably that part too.
00:30:20.000 But I'm gonna guess not here.
00:30:23.000 But that's just one way.
00:30:24.000 It's not necessarily about are they remembering?
00:30:26.000 It's just going out and putting yourself out there.
00:30:28.000 And I'm guilty of this myself, but let me sort of explain this.
00:30:32.000 In situations where I didn't want to be liked or I wanted to be remembered badly.
00:30:37.000 For example, my wife.
00:30:38.000 We were going to a gathering with a guy.
00:30:41.000 Let's say friends and or family who might have been on the more left side of the spectrum, and I did not particularly want to spend a ton of time at this gathering.
00:30:49.000 And so I sat down, and just like you said, I have a crappy personality.
00:30:52.000 I cut it off at the pass.
00:30:53.000 And I said, if one of you is expecting me to check my privilege, that shit's not going to happen.
00:30:58.000 Maga, maga, maga, I'm going to go eat at the kid's table.
00:31:00.000 I left.
00:31:04.000 That's the plan.
00:31:05.000 How liberating it is when you don't, when you're just like, you know what, I'm going
00:31:08.000 to reject myself before they reject me.
00:31:10.000 Or you know, you just don't shower for a couple of days.
00:31:12.000 You're like, oh, okay, I must have been, you know, I ran out of soap.
00:31:15.000 You can find an excuse.
00:31:16.000 The point is, it is tough to put yourself out there.
00:31:18.000 But if you don't, you're never going to have any relationships worth having.
00:31:24.000 If you don't take any risks in life in general, you're never going to have a life worth having.
00:31:27.000 So I understand why you do that.
00:31:29.000 A lot of people have their own different defense mechanisms.
00:31:32.000 But I couldn't even answer your question as far as what you have that makes you unique.
00:31:36.000 All you've told me is how crappy your personality is.
00:31:39.000 And I'm willing to bet that if you search deeply and hard enough, you will find something worth mining in a relationship for somebody else.
00:31:46.000 Almost everybody does.
00:31:48.000 There are very few people who have no redeeming qualities.
00:31:50.000 You just have to find them, and you have to put them on display for the world to see.
00:31:53.000 Okay, this has been, of course, the latest installment of Tough Love, but you can send your requests for next week.
00:31:58.000 Again, we're still keeping this going as long as the quarantine's going on.
00:32:01.000 LifeAdvice at ladderwithcrowder.com.
00:32:03.000 We will see you tomorrow.