Order of Man - Dealing with a Health Scare, Finding New Purpose, Offering Grace When it's Hard ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 That's where the most growth and excitement happens in any aspect of life.

00:00:03.980 If I go to train jujitsu for the first time,

00:00:07.040 I'm going to learn way more in that hour than you will

00:00:09.860 as a black belt and somebody who's been training for almost decades at this point.

00:00:14.700 You might learn one little thing that like adjust your toe

00:00:17.760 and move it this way or move that this way.

00:00:20.200 Or maybe somebody shows you how to like make that submission a little tighter.

00:00:24.440 But I'm going to learn everything in the same amount of time.

00:00:27.480 wouldn't you like don't don't you want to chase that feeling

00:00:30.920 kip what's up man so good to see you on this friday getting ready to close out the week

00:00:36.420 and what better way to do it than field some questions from the from the crew

00:00:40.060 amen to that let's um i don't know i don't know what to say let's go let's do it you're ready to

00:00:48.100 go all right um no we got to do our wholesome segment we got some business oh wholesome yeah

00:00:53.140 we got to do that. I knew I was missing something. Um, I don't know if you've seen this thing. This

00:00:57.760 is like, this is interesting. This is a new angle that I'm going to take this one with this one,

00:01:01.520 but the wholesome, the wholesome character of the day is, uh, the one and only Sophie

00:01:08.020 Cunningham. Have you seen her stuff lately? That woman is hilarious to me. And yeah, she's the

00:01:14.520 enforce the court enforcer for, uh, Clark for Caitlin Clark. Yeah. I love that. So that's a 0.66

00:01:20.740 good part of the wholesomeness like that part that aspect of it um and she's just a troll of

00:01:27.860 the highest order and she just pulls it off so well but that's not why i wanted to bring it up

00:01:32.380 the reason i wanted to bring it up is because she has become uh i was gonna say unwilling i would

00:01:40.280 not say unwilling but she didn't really realize that she was gonna start to actually become a

00:01:45.000 poster child or the quintessential poster woman for women's sports. I don't know if you've seen

00:01:53.020 this at all, but she made a very, what I thought was benign comment about protecting women's 0.82

00:02:00.400 sports. Like we don't want trans, we don't want men in women's sports. And I thought it was pretty 1.00

00:02:08.340 benign. I think it's an 80, 20 issue. I think most of Americans would say, Hey, there's nothing

00:02:13.420 wrong with that. And she has gotten so much backlash and reporters asking if she's going 1.00

00:02:17.840 to become political. She's like, I'm not political. I just shouldn't advocate for women's sports

00:02:22.740 because I'm a professional women's athlete. Like this is not a big deal. And then I guess there

00:02:29.640 was some, some young ladies who came to one of her games and, uh, we're supporting her with an 0.85

00:02:35.660 X, X, X, Y shirt and a, and a poster that said, Hey, thanks Sophie for standing up for women's 1.00

00:02:41.560 sports. I just think we need more common sense people speaking out because if we don't, what 1.00

00:02:48.020 ends up happening is the least or the people with the least amount of common sense, they don't mind

00:02:53.840 speaking out. They don't mind villainizing everybody else. They don't mind pushing issues,

00:02:58.440 20% issues. So if we don't learn to speak up and speak out against things that are important to us,

00:03:04.040 now that might not be an issue that's important to you. That's fine. But I think we can take a

00:03:08.640 page out of her playbook so to speak and speak up and there might be backlash and there might

00:03:14.020 be problems and especially in the wnba and that's not even it's like watching a it's kind of like

00:03:20.320 watching a um like a freshman basketball game like you're there because they're playing but

00:03:26.040 really you're just waiting for the varsity game to come on yeah um but i don't know it's it's

00:03:32.400 it's interesting and i hope that's a indicative of a of a cultural change that people with

00:03:38.320 common sense ideas can have the courage just to stand up. And so props to Sophie, the co-owner of

00:03:46.820 the other team, not, I don't even know what the teams are. The co-owner of the other team

00:03:51.540 actually chastised these young ladies who were at the court side. Um, and the co-owner ended up, 1.00

00:03:58.360 as far as I understand, getting suspended for several games and, and fined because of how she

00:04:04.260 treated their fans so awesome i love it i thought it was a feel-good story i'm a sophie cunningham

00:04:11.140 fan not a wnba fan but a sophie cunningham fan the finger you got the point yeah you got the finger

00:04:17.560 i i love it and and i also love that she pushed back against it being a political thing because

00:04:25.140 these aren't political things like everyone needs to realize that so many of these issues they're

00:04:29.780 not political politicians are making it political so you feel like you have to align with them if

00:04:36.520 you see something a certain way but even push it back against that way of thinking and say no this

00:04:41.920 isn't political this is how i feel about something don't don't label me into a group so you can take

00:04:47.900 advantage of my viewpoint either right i actually don't like that either so i love to push back on

00:04:54.120 making a political situation non-political it's a cultural issue right but as they say i think the

00:05:00.500 saying goes is that politics are downstream from culture and and it's probably actually vice versa

00:05:06.060 too i think they kind of feed off each other so if culture is moving one way politicians and their

00:05:11.680 sleazy ways will will follow that way if politicians are implementing based on what

00:05:16.640 these these ideas and introducing new legislation then sometimes culture tends to follow so

00:05:23.180 I think it's a multifaceted approach it's not just political to your point but it's also not

00:05:28.140 just cultural to a lot of men's points like we're like we just want to be left alone yeah so do I

00:05:33.040 but at some point you got to realize they're not going to leave us alone you may not care about

00:05:38.300 what they're doing but they sure as heck care about what you're doing which makes it your

00:05:42.640 business and our priority to rail against it fight back against it talk about it both culturally and

00:05:49.540 politically yeah absolutely i totally agree did you see the real the highlight reel of the all-star

00:05:56.960 game the women's wnba all-star what what in the world i look i always have it i was gonna say i

00:06:07.560 don't i don't want to mock i don't want to mock these ladies i that's true i don't but because

00:06:13.020 they're doing they're doing the best they can but god is it horrible to watch like it is it is just

00:06:21.040 it is rough painful man and i don't i don't understand it i i mean these are the best in

00:06:27.620 the world i don't understand it so i see both sides where it's like it's painful to watch i'm

00:06:34.300 not going to go buy a ticket to go watch the wmba and also like let's let them i was going to say

00:06:40.320 something very politically insensitive culturally insensitive i'm actually going to show some

00:06:44.440 restraint but i really want to say it so yeah um i'm not going well let me let me tease this idea

00:06:50.940 in the sense of it it's easy to want to criticize them when they promote this idea that they are no

00:07:00.740 different than the nba so it they tee themselves up yeah for me want to criticize it but my point

00:07:10.220 of watching the highlights was like it was like high school ptsd i was like oh my gosh those are

00:07:16.140 ladders i you know missed layup ladder missed layup oh yeah in if we missed a layup in practice

00:07:24.360 we were running yeah it was get on the line and i'm going to destroy you because missing one layup

00:07:31.860 is completely unacceptable and that was practice let alone a game i think you actually have a good

00:07:39.020 point um i'm not gonna lump all of the players into the same category but they're just so take

00:07:46.420 this with a grain of salt too many of them are just not likable people which they're just not

00:07:53.740 likable people and so they open themselves up to all sorts of scrutiny because nobody likes them

00:07:58.680 and it has i think less to do with their gameplay than the remarks of so many of those women off

00:08:05.040 the court and it just it's just gross they're just nasty dude well and and i and you can see 1.00

00:08:11.080 that across multiple sports right some of my favorite fighters exclusive to to yeah yeah of

00:08:16.660 course it's their character that i loved well you know you know what i you know i don't know

00:08:22.560 like even nba players like lebron james like he's probably i think he's an amazing player

00:08:27.580 i don't like him no he's a why don't i like type because yeah because of what he says i'm like i

00:08:34.380 don't like him if he was humble and kept most of his opinions to himself i would think he was better

00:08:39.400 than than i do it it's just you know it's part of the game and they're in the entertainment

00:08:44.700 business so it actually does matter what their fans think about him you know so it benefits them

00:08:49.160 well i mean you see it in acting too like a guy i don't like is robert de niro he's a great actor

00:08:55.440 i don't like him amazing tom hanks probably the greatest actor ever i don't like that guy

00:09:00.920 the other one is uh the guy who plays jack reacher um that big guy alan alan richmond or

00:09:08.260 yeah yeah yeah the one that like destroyed his neighbor well that was actually i i looked into

00:09:15.360 that i'm like that looked justified to me all of that looked because i actually watched different

00:09:19.500 angles and let the case develop that i would say is in the wholesome category but i think he's a

00:09:25.480 good actor i enjoy his movies you know they're cheap thrills action thrill but i enjoy it i think

00:09:30.120 i think he's talented and i don't like him as a person and again it has to do more probably with

00:09:35.320 politics and political and cultural ideology but and i also don't think you need to shut up and

00:09:41.320 dribble as i think they told lebron james like you can talk but just don't expect that people 0.82

00:09:46.180 are going to like you when you say dumb things but you have a right to do it i suppose yeah

00:09:50.780 yeah totally like i don't think we should i don't think we should i don't like this attitude of like 0.86

00:09:56.440 well you're just a basketball player what do you know about it well you're just a plumber what do

00:10:01.020 you know about it well you're just a a lawyer what do you know about this so i don't ever get

00:10:05.920 into the thing of like well you're a basketball player so what do you know it's like maybe he

00:10:10.260 does maybe he actually studies it like we we can entertain that and i don't think we have to place

00:10:16.300 people into these one-dimensional lanes where it's like you can only be a basketball player

00:10:20.760 or you can only be an actor it's like no you're a well-rounded person just like you and me

00:10:25.960 i still don't like a lot of what you say but sure say it yeah two each their own yeah right i love

00:10:33.580 it all right man well that was you know we riffed a little bit that was good yeah all right man let's

00:10:38.820 get a lot of questions yeah let's do it yeah all right garrett holloway i had a heart scare three

00:10:45.960 months ago at 41, it's nerve wracking turned about, turned out to be nothing. But for the

00:10:51.880 about six hours, I genuinely thought I might not make it home to my kids. It rearranged something

00:10:58.620 in me. How do you hold onto that clarity about what matters without intense intensity fading

00:11:05.640 back into autopilot after a few months? Yeah, well, that's a good question. I mean,

00:11:11.700 first I'm glad you're okay, but that's an interesting question. You know, when we have

00:11:15.040 these catastrophic moments, it's very easy at that in those moments to change our behavior, right?

00:11:23.080 Yeah, I think when anything bad happens, you're like, well, and it causes you to re-evaluate

00:11:30.200 what's important and how you're showing up and what you're doing. I imagine Garrett started to

00:11:35.060 get in shape. And I imagine over the past six months, I think he said, maybe some of those

00:11:40.100 habits kind of trickled back in with the eating and, and maybe, you know, he started working out

00:11:45.340 less. So I could see how that would happen. Um, I mean, what I would say is you have to have

00:11:52.600 systems in place for, to get you moving in the right direction, to get you doing what you've

00:12:00.300 committed to doing when all the motivation has left the building. Because the motivation for

00:12:06.000 a health scare is I don't want to die. Well, now you're in the clear. So that motivation is no

00:12:12.180 longer there. So now what are you left with? Discipline and systems. That's it. And if you're

00:12:19.400 just hoping that the motivation, whether it's the stick, which is you're going to have a heart

00:12:25.840 attack or the carrot, which is I really want to go run a marathon or something because it would

00:12:31.620 be fun. Um, said no person ever. I don't think marathon fun. That doesn't sound fun, but I'm

00:12:38.100 using it as a finishing marathon, finishing marathon is the correct language. Um, but no,

00:12:44.180 you have to have systems in light. So we have, we have our battle planning system, right? And

00:12:48.700 one thing that we start with is our vision. What kind of man do I want to be in the next five or

00:12:53.480 10 or 20 years? How do I want to show up? What are my principles? What is my standard operating

00:12:58.580 procedure, my code of conduct, how am I showing up? How am I influencing others? How am I engaged

00:13:04.140 with you and my children and my friends and everybody else? And then we reverse engineer

00:13:09.020 it into what am I going to do on a daily basis? So this morning when I woke up, I had an early

00:13:14.520 morning call for the iron council. I woke up a little later than I would have liked. And I

00:13:18.400 thought to myself, I'm not really going to be able to do it today because I'll only get about 30 to

00:13:23.720 40 minutes of my workout instead of my hour. So that was the justification that went through my

00:13:28.360 mind. And then I also thought, well, I'll do it this afternoon when I have some free time,

00:13:33.600 but I know a couple of things about myself. One, I won't do it this afternoon.

00:13:38.300 I'll come up with some other justification and it'll sound really good in my head.

00:13:42.880 And number two, I believe because I've already made this decision that in the absence of being

00:13:48.720 able to do it perfectly, good enough sometimes is good enough. And so I went to the gym and I got a

00:13:56.140 40 minute workout in and I hurried and ran home. I haven't even changed from the gym. I smell,

00:14:00.680 I'm still sweating because it's just, it's just how it had to be. But I've already made that

00:14:06.780 decision. And so I don't let myself off the hook when there's no motivation. It's written in here

00:14:12.140 as if it's canon. Like it's written in here. Now that's not to say I followed a hundred percent

00:14:17.700 of the time, but it is written and therefore I will do it. That's my principle. That's my belief.

00:14:22.180 And that's what helps me when motivation fades.

00:14:25.840 Yeah.

00:14:26.580 And those actions that you take on that battle plan, guess what that eventually forms?

00:14:31.700 Habits and identity.

00:14:33.820 And now you've built confidence going into that direction.

00:14:38.280 And then there's a paradigm shift.

00:14:40.220 There's an entire framework around this in psychology.

00:14:42.860 This is how you change your identity and your paradigm by which you see the world.

00:14:47.000 It's actually through repetitive, consistent action because you have to prove it to yourself.

00:14:52.560 Are you a guy that goes to the gym every day?

00:14:54.700 And eventually you'll believe it after you are that.

00:14:59.060 Right.

00:14:59.580 And now we have a shift of.

00:15:01.940 Yeah.

00:15:02.260 And then you have a shift of mind.

00:15:03.880 Right.

00:15:04.260 Of paradigm.

00:15:05.840 One one additional thought for Garrett.

00:15:07.860 it i've always loved this around stoicism that the the school of thought in that era of of humanity

00:15:17.460 wasn't focused on like intellectual in the moment living it was or i shouldn't say like

00:15:24.260 what we think of education today the focus was what how to live and die well

00:15:30.260 well it was a priority to how to live a good life and die well now in society today we don't think

00:15:41.140 about this anymore in fact we even have terms oh it's morbid to think about your mortality

00:15:45.700 no it's not you will die we all will die but yet we don't prepare for it we don't plan for it we

00:15:55.840 don't live like we're going to we we live in this false sense of of time and then we have a closed

00:16:03.540 we we i don't know a closed eye to the fact that our mortality might end any moment and and so i

00:16:09.740 i would like to suggest that we flip the script a little bit and get present to our mortality and

00:16:14.420 this is the term memento mori um comes from with stoicism is being present to your mortality and

00:16:22.560 And one thing that the Stoics practice that I've implemented into my life is what they

00:16:28.300 call negative visualization.

00:16:30.140 And the example I always use is, you know, my standard morning when I go off to work

00:16:37.060 and I say goodbye to the kids, it's a have a great day and I walk out the door.

00:16:42.780 But if I get present to the idea that today might be my last day, that it actually might

00:16:50.480 be my kids last day. Do you think I say goodbye differently to them? Absolutely. I don't let

00:16:58.800 things go unsettled. I don't push off an apology that I should probably owe someone. And, and I'm

00:17:06.240 present to it being fully expressed about how I feel about someone. That's the value of it. I'm

00:17:12.480 not saying stop living your life because you're just going to die. I'm not saying that I'm saying

00:17:16.040 live your life because you are going to die. And so show up powerfully in a way that, um,

00:17:23.760 that there's minimal regret. I like it. I mean, that's, that's how you keep that motivation at

00:17:30.900 the forefront is you just think about it. Like, think about what it felt like. Think about what

00:17:35.940 you were going through. Think about the regrets when you were laying there of like, I didn't do

00:17:39.660 this or this or this, even if it's, I didn't kiss my wife goodbye or I didn't start that business.

00:17:44.400 Okay. Well now you've been given a second chance, even if it's not a second chance,

00:17:49.260 which it sounds like maybe it wasn't. Um, but even if you, yeah, whether it's a second chance

00:17:53.760 or not, like do it right this time. Yeah. Just learn and do it right. And always remember that

00:18:02.220 that was a, that was a gift that was granted to you and it can be taken away just as easily.

00:18:07.520 yeah yeah totally cash renfro i did two combat deployments and i got out four years ago i've

00:18:17.940 got the job the house the family but i still feel like i'm playing a character in a civilian life

00:18:24.060 instead of actually living it does that ever fully go away or do you just learn to carry it

00:18:30.660 what's that term in, in gaming, like not NPC, non-player, non, non-playing character or

00:18:38.740 something like, you know what I'm talking about? It's the, it's the computer, the computer

00:18:43.920 simulated characters versus actual people. Right. I don't know. I think that's, you do,

00:18:49.400 but I know what you're talking about. Yeah, you do too. Um, yeah, regardless. Um, I think it's

00:18:54.680 something like that. Both of you can tell how much video games we play. Um, but it's something

00:18:58.980 like that. Like they have a, they have a script that they're supposed to follow and they can't

00:19:03.600 really operate outside of the script. There's no autonomy to it at all. And there's a lot of

00:19:08.380 people in life who actually run their lives around like this. They're, they're just acting

00:19:13.840 on everybody else's whim. They're at being acted upon. They're reacting to what else is happening

00:19:19.960 in their environment without being proactive about what they're doing. And so when he said

00:19:24.320 character, that's what came to mind is you're, you're doing what you should be doing. I have

00:19:30.080 the house, right? Cause somebody told you, you should have that. I have the job, right? You

00:19:34.080 didn't say I have an amazing career. You didn't say I had my dream home. You said I have a job.

00:19:40.380 What did he say? I have a job. I have a house. What else did you say? Yeah. I have the job,

00:19:46.580 the house, the family, right? But none of that sounds exciting to me. It just sounds like

00:19:53.880 you got a checklist somewhere. And, and that's probably what you're saying. Like you want to

00:19:58.560 feel the enthusiasm and excitement. Well, good. Start dreaming again. You talked a little bit

00:20:04.040 about identity a minute ago, Kip. Yeah. You're not a warrior anymore. You're not a soldier anymore.

00:20:11.660 Okay. What elements of being a soldier or, or Marine, I don't know, whatever,

00:20:17.100 what elements of being a soldier did brought you to life? Without knowing you, I would say

00:20:24.480 you probably loved that there was meaning and significance. You probably really appreciated

00:20:31.740 the camaraderie and brotherhood that you had in your service. You probably liked the discipline

00:20:39.040 and structure that came with it. You probably liked that there was always something new and

00:20:43.520 exciting to do. Maybe you even liked the potential and inherent danger of being a soldier, a warrior.

00:20:50.920 Okay. Is that, are those things exclusive to being in the military? No. I mean, a firefighter can

00:20:57.540 have that. A police officer can have that. There's two right off the bat that fit those

00:21:04.080 characteristics. And there's plenty more, but the point that I'm making is you probably,

00:21:09.000 because we see so many so many military members and veterans do this is they wrap up their identity

00:21:14.360 in their rank or the uniform that the pattern and color of camo that they're wearing as if that's

00:21:20.940 the thing that defines who you are well i'm i'm a command sergeant major and i wear this camo

00:21:27.980 i mean that's fine there's nothing wrong with that but that's a sliver of who you are as a

00:21:34.600 human being. So I think what you need to do cash is spend some really deep amount of reflective

00:21:42.260 time thinking about who you are, not what you do, not your rank, not your title, not your position.

00:21:49.680 I mean, you're not even a father, right? You're not a father. You're not a husband. You're not

00:21:54.300 a business owner. You're not a homeowner. You, you are a man. And what kind of man, again,

00:21:59.800 to go that vision exercise? Do you want to be regardless of the outside factors, that fatherhood

00:22:05.660 thing that could go away? I mean, not to be morbid, but heaven forbid, I have friends who

00:22:10.520 have children who have passed away. They're not actively fathers anymore because of that, or

00:22:15.760 a more likely scenario, more optimistic, pleasant one is that they go off to chase their own dreams.

00:22:21.980 They leave the nest. Yes. Technically still a father, but your whole role changes when you

00:22:26.660 become an empty nester. Who are you then? I mean, there's, there's people that I know that I've 0.95

00:22:31.880 talked to when their, their children leave the house, they're like stuck with their spouse.

00:22:36.840 Like, I don't even know what to do with my spouse anymore. We don't even know each other anymore.

00:22:41.000 Right. Cause you got so lost in something that could go away at any time. Uh, Garrett talking

00:22:46.660 about his health that could be taken away. And so how many guys have we heard who will say,

00:22:51.600 you know, Ryan, I know, I know my job is to protect, provide, and preside,

00:22:56.760 but I've been disabled for the past 10 years. Am I still a man? I don't know. Are you?

00:23:02.480 Was that the entirety of what you brought to the table? If, if it is, then you're in a bad spot.

00:23:10.320 That's a loss of hope. But if it isn't, then there's something else to lean on.

00:23:14.240 So for cash, I would spend some time really thinking about who you are as a man outside

00:23:20.500 of military service and what's next? What's your next mission? What's another dream that you have?

00:23:27.820 What's, what's a skillset that you can use from your time in service and now translate it over

00:23:33.280 to civilian life and feel just as incredible about that. I mean, take, take the black rifle

00:23:39.340 coffee guys as just one small example. There's countless examples. Uh, born primitive is another

00:23:44.800 one, uh, military members, uh, former, former spec ops guys, seals. I mean, we've had a ton of

00:23:52.000 them on the podcast and they're running amazing businesses and they have podcasts and businesses

00:23:57.920 and coffee and making knives. And I mean, you name it. So there's something out there. You just

00:24:03.780 really need to start figuring out what is going to call and speak to you. And I'd also enlist

00:24:08.500 the people closest to you. You have a family, your wife and kids know you better than anybody else.

00:24:12.820 Talk to them about it. Tell them what you just told us. Hey guys, I feel empty. I feel like I'm,

00:24:18.580 I'm just a character in this life and I want to be passionate about the family and about the house

00:24:22.960 that we have and about my job. What do you know about me that could help me find that? Help me

00:24:28.760 unpack this a little bit. They'll help you. They want to see you. They not only do they want it,

00:24:33.680 they have a vested interest in you not being the character you're talking about.

00:24:36.760 yeah right let me ask you this do you feel like the titles that because we we do this not just

00:24:47.060 in the military but even people do this from a job perspective i think this is like rooted in

00:24:51.140 the idea why my most guys get like depressed if they get laid off right because there's some

00:24:56.440 identity tied to that job that they had or transitions from the military um and and all

00:25:04.180 ultimately transcendent across multiple areas of life do you think this is the deeper work like

00:25:10.100 that that those titles worked for us because it was more tied to external validation that it was

00:25:16.340 this thing that like people see me as a soldier i'm a warrior i'm a soldier but it but it's not

00:25:23.840 like internal it's external validating and then when that gets stripped you're left with character

00:25:31.680 and values and personal relationships and we may never get validation from other people for those

00:25:40.240 things and and thus that's the deeper harder probably more valuable work and and that maybe

00:25:47.540 there's just a warning here of like be careful of latching your um value to titles and what we do

00:25:56.360 and it's more about our character i don't know does that make sense and would you agree with

00:26:00.680 that? What's your thoughts? Yeah. I mean, I think I would agree. Um, it's also just harder to see,

00:26:07.220 you know, it's the reason when we do our battle plan, why guys tend to gravitate towards condition,

00:26:13.300 which is your physical health and contribution, which is becoming a man of value, but, but your

00:26:17.620 finances and career are included in that as well. Well, we gravitate to that because it's very easy

00:26:22.400 to quantify, right? I can jump on the scale and instead of being 210 pounds, I'm 205 pounds.

00:26:29.800 and then I know, okay, well, there you go.

00:26:32.380 Whatever I'm doing is working.

00:26:34.400 Or I can open my bank account

00:26:36.240 and I could say I've got 100,000 in there today

00:26:38.360 and then tomorrow I've got 98.

00:26:40.420 Well, something, what happened?

00:26:42.480 Oh, I made a mortgage payment.

00:26:44.260 Okay, well, cool.

00:26:44.960 Now we replenish the 2,000 you just paid for the mortgage.

00:26:47.380 It's very easy to quantify.

00:26:48.960 And the same thing is true about going into work.

00:26:52.320 You're like, yeah, I'm a lawyer, I'm a partner

00:26:55.320 or I'm a junior associate

00:26:56.540 and I'm working my way up the chain.

00:26:58.200 that's easy. So that I think that's part of it as well is that because it's so easy to quantify,

00:27:05.380 we just naturally gravitate towards that. But I really like, and this book's older now,

00:27:09.780 I want to say it's probably 11 or 12 years old. Start with why by Simon Sinek. And he makes the

00:27:16.800 case and I agree with him that when we're thinking about who we are and how we show up in the world,

00:27:22.060 we ought to start with the why of what we do. So your why as a soldier, not to put words in your

00:27:28.040 mouth might be something along the lines of your patriotism for, for the country, your, your love,

00:27:34.340 your, your American pride, um, your desire to, to serve the American people, to serve those

00:27:41.280 outside of the country who don't have the ability to take care of and protect themselves.

00:27:46.420 That's good. Why is that important to you? Well, maybe your father was in the military and you

00:27:51.860 watched what he did and you were proud of him when he came home and he told you about these stories

00:27:57.840 and adventures that he went on and battles that he fought.

00:28:01.640 And so that got ingrained into you as a young child.

00:28:05.440 You don't want to see people suffer.

00:28:07.220 Or maybe alternatively, you grew up in an environment

00:28:10.120 where people were suffering at the hands of dictators and tyrants.

00:28:13.940 And so you said, I don't want that to happen anymore.

00:28:16.940 I'm not okay with that happening.

00:28:19.100 And so you became a soldier because you wanted to actively do something about it.

00:28:22.960 But is that the only way to serve your why?

00:28:25.400 No, it's really not.

00:28:27.840 I mean, you can, you can join the peace corps, right? You can, you can, um, be a civilian

00:28:33.560 contractor. Uh, you can, you can start a charitable organization. Like there's so many different ways

00:28:40.360 to do it that still meet the why, regardless of what that external validation might be or

00:28:47.080 external identification is. Yeah. Hmm. Thank you. So read that book. All right. Start with why

00:28:53.800 porter delago delgado sorry porter delgado um he says a quick one my brother and i haven't spoken

00:29:03.540 in two years over something honestly pretty small now that i look back on it who reaches out first

00:29:10.120 when neither of you is actually in the wrong i love the assumption that the person who reaches

00:29:16.920 out has to be the one that's in the wrong and the other one that's not in the wrong you never reach

00:29:21.100 out. Right. The answer, regardless of who's wrong or you're both wrong, which is probably more

00:29:27.740 likely, or neither of you are wrong is you, you're the one asking the question. Yeah. Like that's

00:29:35.560 the only person you can control. I mean, what's the alternative reaching out to your brother to

00:29:40.560 say, Hey, you need to reach out to me. Well, you lost then because you reached out first,

00:29:44.160 like what game or just wait and hope I'll hold on to my grudge and, and give him 20 years to maybe,

00:29:50.580 you know, reach out to me. Yeah. I don't, I don't think anybody needs to be right or wrong or

00:29:55.200 anything else for you to be a man and reach out. I mean, clearly you miss him. Clearly you want to

00:29:59.080 have a relationship with him. You wouldn't ask the question if that weren't the case. So yeah,

00:30:02.840 get out the phone and call him today and just say what you just said. Hey, well, a little different,

00:30:09.700 actually. I would say something like, Hey, look, I know. Did he say how long they haven't talked

00:30:15.040 for? Two years. Yeah. Hey, I know it's been a couple of years and I know some things were said

00:30:21.980 and done. And I feel like I, I feel like I treated you like a jerk because I've ignored you for two 0.96

00:30:27.800 years. I wouldn't say like, we've treated each other like jerks. Cause he might not think that. 1.00

00:30:32.920 Yeah. Just talk about yourself. Right. Just that's it. Hey, look, if it's you,

00:30:37.120 my role playing with you, Kip, I'd be like, Hey Kip, look, you know, I know how it all went down

00:30:41.620 a couple of years ago. And the truth is, is I've, I've thought about you and your family and the

00:30:45.640 good times and friendship we've had. And it just sucks that we're not friends anymore. And I just

00:30:50.960 wanted to tell you, I'm really sorry that I behaved that way. I can't even remember what

00:30:56.360 the fight was about. That's potential too. Or maybe you do remember. And you're like, I remember

00:31:00.560 what the fight is about. And after two years of introspection, I can see why it's just not that

00:31:04.820 big a deal relative to us having a relationship together. So I want to reach out to you and tell

00:31:10.260 you that I realized I treated you unfairly for the last two years by ignoring you fight by

00:31:17.620 abandoning you. And I'd like to set, set it straight. Can we go, you know, hit some, hit

00:31:24.020 some golf balls this weekend or Hey, there's a game, you know, can we, can I take you to the game?

00:31:32.140 I don't think this is a hard thing to do now. Look, he's got his agency, right? And he might

00:31:37.320 say no screw off at least you can live with yourself at least I could I'd still be heartbroken

00:31:43.460 about it but at least I could live with myself I could look the man in the mirror and say 0.99

00:31:47.100 yeah you were a schmuck about it and then you tried to fix it and he wasn't interested and 0.97

00:31:52.840 that's his prerogative but you did what you could do so yeah the answer is you reach out of course 0.97

00:31:58.900 love it um anders actually hold on before i would like yeah i would like him to follow up with us

00:32:07.240 too once he does it so yeah i think that'd be interesting let us know how it goes yeah and we

00:32:12.880 most of us know right it's gonna go well in most cases the odds are no one's the odds are

00:32:17.980 he's thinking the same thing you've been thinking yeah yeah and the only way this really goes wrong 0.99

00:32:24.140 anyway is hey ryan it's been two years since you're an asshole and i think you need to get over 0.99

00:32:30.560 it let's hang out right like that's not gonna go well that's why you own your part you know let go 0.98

00:32:35.400 of the story of everybody else all right uh back to anders i'm gonna only pronounce his name once

00:32:40.820 and i did already so we're going with just the first name here all right my wife and i started

00:32:45.620 fostering last year and we just had to hand a six-year-old back to the bio by um the bio parent

00:32:54.080 we don't trust to keep him safe i've never felt that powerless in my life how does a man lead

00:33:01.160 his family through grief for a kid who was never legally his to keep this is tough and i i know

00:33:09.120 people actually have experienced the same exact thing i mean i i've actually experienced it when

00:33:14.900 i was younger my mom brought in um foster children we had this one cute little girl i was young so i

00:33:20.580 I don't know the entirety of the story, but this cute little girl, I think her name was,

00:33:24.220 she, she was, she was Mexican. And I can't remember if it was like, it might've been Maria

00:33:29.960 or like Lucia. It was something, but anyways, she was so cute. I think she was about one at the time

00:33:36.180 and my sister and I just loved her to death. And then she left. And my mom explained why that was

00:33:43.100 the case. She's going to go back with her parents. And quite honestly, I don't know if her parents

00:33:46.780 were in the right headspace, probably not to the degree they should, if she ended up in foster care

00:33:51.360 to begin with. And that's safe to assume I would imagine. I mean, I believe in redemption that

00:33:56.440 people can change, but do they change all that much? I don't know. I would just talk with your

00:34:02.860 family really openly and honestly about injustices in the world and why situations aren't always

00:34:09.440 right and why it's important that you as a family or you as a human being do what you think is right

00:34:15.840 and try to help where you can

00:34:19.600 and realize that the world isn't fair

00:34:21.900 and the world isn't perfect

00:34:23.380 and you wish it could be,

00:34:24.720 but all we can do as a family and people

00:34:27.620 is to just try to make the world a better place

00:34:31.060 to the degree that we can

00:34:32.380 and do everything we can for what's important to us.

00:34:36.400 Those are going to be not happy-go-lucky conversations,

00:34:42.140 but those are serious conversations

00:34:44.160 that your kids could learn so much from. And who knows, who knows? Maybe, maybe this, we talked

00:34:50.940 about this before we hit record. You don't know the timing of life. It would be nice in some ways

00:34:56.200 if we did. Sometimes you get second chances and sometimes you don't, but you don't know the plan.

00:35:02.420 But I have faith that the plan is right. Whatever it is, even if it's something I messed up,

00:35:06.960 that's already been considered and taken into consideration. Um, but who knows the conversations,

00:35:14.800 the really powerful conversations that you can have with your wife and kids right now might lead

00:35:20.660 to your, this foster child coming back into your life, or maybe, maybe one of your children in 30

00:35:28.900 years goes on to create the next evolution of foster care that, that ensures that this kind

00:35:35.700 of stuff doesn't happen or at least happens less because you're the man having difficult

00:35:40.660 conversations rather than ignoring or, or overlooking them because they're hard to have

00:35:45.800 with your kids. This is a, this is when it really means that I'm a, I'm a father or more so I'm a

00:35:53.300 dad. Any man can have children. You can, you can biologically have children. It takes something

00:36:00.720 more to be the kind of dad that they need you to be. And it's these moments. It's not the fun

00:36:05.360 ones. It's these moments that really define who you are as a dad. Amen to that, man. Well,

00:36:12.260 and I can't help but look at this Anders and like, just think through the, the friends that I have

00:36:18.360 that have kind of been in these situations. And one interesting thing that I've seen time and time

00:36:24.140 again is how great they were about fostering the relationship, um, with the parent.

00:36:36.380 Um, and staying in that kid's life, even though that kid's no longer with them, you cut ties

00:36:44.520 and it's like tip for tat them versus us, you're going to lose influence with that six

00:36:49.700 year old, but you kind of inject yourself. Obviously. I mean, there's agency on both sides,

00:36:56.100 so this may not be possible. Yeah. But in, in a lot of cases that I've seen,

00:37:00.740 the parents kind of become friends with the other parents and Oh, you need a babysitter.

00:37:07.060 You're going on vacation. We're here for you. Like they end up becoming like cousins to this

00:37:13.380 kid. And so, you know, kind of broaden your horizon of your role here. It may not be what

00:37:20.820 you want it to be. It might be a different version, but man, there's, there's, I think

00:37:25.500 there still might be a great opportunity for you to impact this kid and be a positive impact to

00:37:33.180 this mom or dad that's kind of struggling. Yeah. And it could be really powerful.

00:37:38.100 you know why i really well first of all kip well said i had not even considered that but absolutely

00:37:44.400 i mean well said with that i i i'm taking what you said and i'm applying it to a broader spectrum

00:37:52.220 of categories you know i'm so tired of hearing men who have the attitude it's the not my

00:37:57.980 responsibility attitude and i'm not saying that anders and his family have this clearly they don't

00:38:03.340 because they're doing something they don't have to do. But it's amazing to me in all the wrong

00:38:08.100 ways, why so many men will just do the bare minimum to get by, you know, they'll go and

00:38:14.800 they'll go into work and they'll, and they'll say to their wives at home, like my boss doesn't like

00:38:19.460 me or my boss doesn't appreciate me or, or I can't get a raise to save my life. And then they'll go

00:38:25.020 into work at exactly the right time. They're supposed to be there. Do the exact duties that

00:38:32.300 they've been instructed to do leave exactly when they're supposed to leave, not volunteer for

00:38:38.180 assignments, not show up for meetings, not take advantage of the, the, the three day or the week

00:38:44.280 long course that your boss will freaking pay for. All you have to do is go. And you're like,

00:38:49.460 no, that's not my responsibility. That's not my job description. They don't pay me enough to do

00:38:54.560 that. And then you're going to complain. And again, Anders is not doing this, but then those

00:39:00.640 men are going to complain about why they're not getting ahead, I get sick of the bare minimum,

00:39:06.600 the not my responsibility mentality. The mentality should be, I'm going to do everything to the nth

00:39:13.020 degree, everything. I'm going to go above and beyond. I'm going to push further than what is

00:39:19.820 expected. I'm going to take the standard that's expected of me and exceed that as much as I

00:39:25.980 possibly can within, within reason. You started looking at life like that. I know guys will be

00:39:31.660 like, well, but they don't pay me to do that. Or they don't appreciate me. Yeah. Right now you're,

00:39:36.780 you're, you're probably not going to get the appreciation, the desires, like you're,

00:39:41.880 you're probably not going to do that. But if you build that habit over a year, five years,

00:39:47.820 10 years, a lifetime, you will win. Absolutely. You will win. It's like, you can't help,

00:39:54.960 but when you couldn't even fight it off if you wanted to, it will find you if you go above and

00:40:00.320 beyond. And that's why I like what you were saying is like, yeah, you could be a foster care and take

00:40:04.080 care of this, this child. That's what's expected of you. That's what you signed up for. And I

00:40:08.840 commend you for doing it. But what I like about what you said is what else can I do above and

00:40:14.300 beyond what is required of me to make this a better situation for my family, for this child

00:40:19.240 and for his or her family, wherever they may be.

00:40:23.700 Yeah.

00:40:26.440 Beckett Amaro, I sold a business for more money than I ever expected to see.

00:40:32.620 And instead of feeling settled, I feel almost guilty and a little lost.

00:40:37.960 Like the goalposts I've been running towards for a decade just vanished.

00:40:42.900 What's a man supposed to chase once the thing he wanted is already his?

00:40:49.240 that's it. Like, that's all I'd never felt that way before. So it's hard for me to imagine

00:40:55.520 not wanting to build a new field, a new arena to play in. What a cool opportunity too, right?

00:41:02.360 Like, I don't, I don't know, understand the guilt thing. Do you, do you know why he might feel

00:41:06.360 guilty? Does that resonate with you? Do you know what he might be alluding to there?

00:41:11.760 i get the loss i get that sure i do get that yeah not the guilt though um but i i remember

00:41:20.720 you know i i was heads down strong like i i went to school full-time and worked full-time

00:41:26.440 until i i got my bachelor's and it was just miserable like it was just a really really

00:41:33.260 tough time and i remember i graduated i just had a job and i felt lost because i was like

00:41:40.140 full court pressing so much that I wasn't thinking about the next thing. And then once I was done

00:41:45.360 with school and I had like that job I was trying to get, I was just kind of like, now what? You

00:41:51.420 know what I mean? And, and then it kind of forced me to be like, okay, well, what's the next thing?

00:41:55.900 Like I had to define that. So there's a little bit of a gap of loss, but I don't get the guilt

00:42:01.020 unless he has an unhealthy relationship with finances that says, you know, if you're rich,

00:42:05.240 it means that you did it wrong or something. Maybe. Yeah. You took advantage of somebody or

00:42:09.700 you're rich because somebody else isn't kind of thing. Yeah. Maybe. Um, were you on the call this

00:42:14.120 morning, the iron council call, um, for the first 30 and then I had a drop. Okay. Yeah. So, um,

00:42:21.760 we got talking a little bit about being the new guy and anytime anybody talks about being the new 0.98

00:42:27.180 guy, it seems to me, they always look at it from the place of this sucks. Like I feel stupid. This 1.00

00:42:32.500 sucks. Like I hate being the new guy. I hate. And I, I challenged the guys. I'm like, what if we 0.99

00:42:37.080 thought about it the opposite. Like what if instead of saying, Oh, being the new guy sucks, 0.99

00:42:41.840 you're like being the new guy is the best. And what I said on the call is that's where the most 0.91

00:42:46.760 growth and excitement happens in any aspect of life. If I go to train jujitsu for the first time,

00:42:53.380 I'm going to learn way more in that hour than you will as a, as a black belt and somebody who's

00:42:58.880 been training for almost decades at this point, you might learn one little thing that like adjust

00:43:03.920 your toe and move it this way or move that this way. Or maybe somebody shows you how to like make

00:43:08.620 that, that submission a little tighter, but I'm going to learn everything in the same amount of

00:43:14.600 time. Wouldn't you like, don't, don't you want to chase that feeling or, or you think about a new

00:43:20.500 relationship? That's the most exciting time. Yeah. It's awkward. And sometimes you're on a date and

00:43:26.800 it's like uncomfortable pauses. And you're like, what do I ask? Like, and you feel silly and stupid,

00:43:32.780 but also you're getting to know this woman who you're interested in and she's interested in you 0.99

00:43:37.600 and you're telling about stories that she doesn't know and she's telling you stories that you don't

00:43:41.880 know but if you're married for 25 years or in your case kept 18 now it's like you've heard the

00:43:47.140 stories in fact you were there for all of the stories that doesn't make it worse it just means

00:43:51.720 you don't get to learn as much about asia as i might get to learn about somebody i just started

00:43:55.820 dating yeah this is what's and the cool thing for beckett i think his name is the cool thing for

00:44:02.060 Beckett is he's got the financial capital to chase some things around yeah clean slate yeah with money

00:44:08.880 not just clean slate clean slate with resources connections money experience because here's the

00:44:16.820 problem when you're a kid is you have all this enthusiasm for life and you have no way to fund

00:44:23.160 it. And then as, as a grown adult, as a man, typically it's an inverse relationship. You've

00:44:31.860 got the resources to fund it, but you're like, I'm kind of dead inside. Two or three guys have

00:44:36.440 talked about this today. Well, Beckett, you've got the best of both worlds. Clearly you had some

00:44:44.340 passion for what you're doing. You wouldn't have been able to sell that business for what you did.

00:44:47.740 So you've got a clean slate, some enthusiasm for something else that might come along and you've

00:44:52.660 got a way to fund it, take advantage of it. What's it going to be? You know, that's the question.

00:44:57.540 So what I would suggest to you from a practical perspective is just get out of notepad this

00:45:03.260 afternoon or this weekend, whenever. Um, and just write down all the things that sound interesting

00:45:10.240 to you. All the things, if you want to go scuba diving with sharks in Australia, write that on

00:45:16.500 your list. If you want to learn how to, how to build an app and AI app, write it on your list.

00:45:22.660 If you want to open a mechanic shop, write it on your list. I was driving by, I take my dog to

00:45:29.200 a kennel here in town and I called them up a couple of weeks ago. It was a week or so ago

00:45:37.140 when we went up to the lake with you and I found out they'd shut their doors. Like they just closed.

00:45:42.600 I didn't even know it. And I drove by a couple of days ago and the building's for sale. And I

00:45:46.680 in my mind, I was like, Oh, well it's already set up for a dog kennel. I'm like, that sounds

00:45:52.320 interesting. What would it take? And so I kind of looked into it a little bit until

00:45:56.760 my better judgment got the best of me and said, you don't, you barely even take care of your own

00:46:03.060 dog. Why would you take care of other dogs? I'm like, okay, yeah, I hear you. God, I hear you.

00:46:09.060 I don't want to kill your animals. So I hear you and other people's animals. But the point that

00:46:13.840 I'm saying is like, always be curious about what's out there. And then when you make that list,

00:46:18.380 don't rule anything out. That's what a lot of people do. They'll be like, Oh, I would like to

00:46:22.120 go skydiving with sharks off the coast of Australia, but I really would like to code,

00:46:29.820 but this exercise, that's not allowed. This exercise is a dreaming exercise without restraint,

00:46:37.120 write it all down. And I think that'll get the creative juices flowing. And, um, you might start

00:46:43.100 whittling it down to something that actually sounds kind of enticing and then go try it all.

00:46:47.060 try everything, get your family involved, get your friends involved, go do it all.

00:46:52.180 Let's try it all.

00:46:55.380 Rhett Collison.

00:46:56.700 I don't have kids on my own, but I've got six nieces and nephews who look up to me.

00:47:01.120 Is there a real version of protect, provide, and preside for a guy who isn't a father?

00:47:05.960 Or am I just supposed to sit that part out?

00:47:08.700 No, hell no.

00:47:10.280 like my my children's uncles who who are my ex-step brothers are valuable in my kids lives

00:47:22.660 it's it's important to them one in particular because he's just in proximity and they love

00:47:29.940 spending time with him and they learn a lot from him and i'm grateful for that so yeah absolutely

00:47:34.520 and you don't have to just be the fun uncle although you should because you can you get to

00:47:38.840 do all the fun things without any of the horrible things about being a parent. Um, but yeah, like

00:47:46.120 get, get to know them, get to know your nieces and nephews. I don't know how old they are,

00:47:50.200 but the older ones, you're going to be able to spend more time with them, take them camping,

00:47:53.600 you know, take, take them on trips, involve them in what you're doing, bring them to the house,

00:47:58.060 throw parties, go to their birthday parties, become super influential in their lives. I'll

00:48:02.760 tell you what happens a lot of the times. And I think you would attest to this kit,

00:48:05.780 but you tell me what you think about this. I've had it happen so many times. Like my oldest son,

00:48:10.320 I remember, um, I got so tight. He started getting into strength training when we were in Maine. So

00:48:18.360 this was about five years, five or six years ago. So he starts getting into strength training and

00:48:25.560 all I heard about was coach more, coach more, this coach, more of that coach does this coach

00:48:31.220 does this. And then we'd go lift together. And Breckett's like, dad, you're doing your bench

00:48:35.720 wrong. I'm like, who says he's like, coach said, you got to do it this way. I'm like this other

00:48:39.000 man. Yeah. You know, I'm like, who's this coach more guy. And then you know what I did? Beat his

00:48:45.640 ass. No, I'm just kidding. What I did is I got over myself cause it's not about me. It's about 1.00

00:48:53.500 my son. And so he'd come home and he'd be like, Hey, coach more said this. I'm like, that's

00:48:57.400 awesome. Listen to him. He knows what he's doing. And then I started reaching out to coach more and

00:49:01.720 I'd be like, Hey man, I really appreciate how he's coming along. Tell me what's going on.

00:49:04.680 And he would tell me things. And I've watched their relationship. I never, I didn't interfere

00:49:09.180 with early. I love their relationship that he could say the exact same things to my son that

00:49:16.460 I would. And in many cases it would be more, he would be more influential and more valuable if

00:49:24.100 it came from coach more than me. Now you can look at that and think this is threatening.

00:49:27.400 or you can think, good, that's what I want for my kid. And the same is true of you as an uncle.

00:49:34.180 There's going to be things that you can say to your nieces and nephews that dad can't say,

00:49:39.260 or if he does, they won't listen. So you have a really, really tremendous opportunity here.

00:49:44.920 And I say, lean all the way in. Yeah. And just check the ego. I mean, that's really what it

00:49:51.040 comes down to, right? And make sure you include this. Well, and make sure you include their,

00:49:55.680 their parents too. And what you're doing, because there might be some of that feeling threatened

00:50:00.660 scenario, like I'm talking about. So just make sure dads and moms know like, Hey, yeah,

00:50:06.800 uncle Rhett, he's awesome. He takes some camping. He teaches him life skills. He involves us in the

00:50:11.560 decision-making process. He teaches, he, he tells us how the kids are doing when they let him know

00:50:16.240 about things, man, this is awesome. So you have such a cool opportunity here. All right. We got

00:50:23.980 one more question. If you don't mind, I, I got to prepare for my next meeting, but Silas

00:50:29.240 Dorkinson. This is really interesting. I love this question. He says, I got

00:50:34.660 Durkin, Dirksen, Dirksen. Why would you say Dorkinson? Kind of dork. I think it's dork,

00:50:42.520 but Oh, it is Dorkson. Let's, let's go with Dirksen. All right. We're renaming you Silas. 0.95

00:50:47.320 All right. I got fired publicly last year over decision that I made that made the local news.

00:50:55.340 And it's still the first thing people bring up about me in this town. The question,

00:51:01.300 how do you rebuild a reputation as a man when everyone around you already decided who you are?

00:51:07.180 You know, I like this question a lot and it doesn't just apply to your situation,

00:51:11.500 but here's what I think a lot of guys won't do.

00:51:13.800 you just have to kind of own it. And I'm not saying make light of it. So don't

00:51:22.200 misunderstand what I'm saying here, but you kind of have to just be lighthearted about it.

00:51:29.300 Again, I don't know what you did, but if you own it, like maybe you truly were in the wrong,

00:51:34.880 maybe there was some fraud or I don't, I don't know what happened. Maybe you stole something.

00:51:38.140 Who knows? Um, you know, maybe, maybe you got into an altercation with your boss, like a physical

00:51:45.340 altercation and you know, like it could be a lot of different things, but just own it, just embrace

00:51:50.800 it. You know? So when people are like, Oh yeah, here comes Silas, you know, and you're talking

00:51:55.780 with somebody, you're like, yeah, the boss beater. Yeah. You're like, yeah, I did. I did do that,

00:52:01.620 you know? And gosh, you know, we had, we had a good fight and I came out the better man that day,

00:52:07.900 but I actually didn't, it actually ended up being really bad for me. Yeah. Like, do you see,

00:52:14.400 do you see the attitude adjustment? It's like, yeah, I, I did do that. I did that. And gosh,

00:52:19.620 I've been thinking about that for the last two years or whatever it was. And Ooh, that's a day

00:52:24.720 I wish I could do over. I'd do it so much differently. I don't, you disarm people when

00:52:30.840 you do that. Cause what they're trying to do, even if they're not even necessarily trying to do it,

00:52:35.820 they're just, they're just exercising discernment. I would do that too. Like if I knew you got

00:52:41.220 publicly fired for fraud, let's say, yeah, I'm probably not going to be real anxious to hire

00:52:47.080 you for my business. So people are just exercising discernment. And so they're trying to protect

00:52:52.660 themselves and other people. We do it clunkily and, and judgmentally at times, but I think for

00:52:58.420 the most part, that's what we're trying to do. Um, so just own it. Yeah, I did that. You know,

00:53:04.960 that was a horrible situation. And I did that. Like I think about one that comes to mind. I just

00:53:09.420 saw this the other day, Monica Lewinsky, who we all know has her own podcast. She's actually 0.94

00:53:15.040 hilarious. And she, she made light of a life altering, potentially life shattering set of

00:53:25.140 circumstances. And she's hilarious about it. Yeah. You know, a lot of time has passed and

00:53:30.940 the perception of of bill clinton has changed and there's so there's a lot that's happened there

00:53:36.040 but just own it acknowledge it when people bring it up don't deflect say yeah

00:53:42.980 i know that was that was the worst that was one of my worst decisions of my life

00:53:47.600 and it was good though because it taught me x y and z and stop trying to

00:53:53.540 fix your character in the eyes of other people just do your work put your head down and be the

00:54:01.120 kind of man you want to be now that maybe you weren't as much of back then totally and and

00:54:08.240 to point out that works because when you let go of the story of trying to defend it and you just

00:54:16.540 own it that's respectable yeah when you go yeah that was a mistake you know i shouldn't have made

00:54:23.400 that call that was a bad decision you know wish i could change that i respect that but if i bring

00:54:29.580 up something you're like oh yeah well what a lot of people don't realize is and you make excuses

00:54:34.760 for it i'm like oh god you didn't learn still a problem for you then got it so there's some power

00:54:43.220 in just owning it because people will respect that it's amazing what people will um give

00:54:51.780 what is it but what's the term mine grace yeah it's a it's amazing how much grace people will

00:54:58.780 give you when you're authentic and you're focused on growth because it is very empowering to see

00:55:07.440 someone um grow and admit their mistakes and be centered about becoming a better version it's

00:55:14.240 very honorable regardless of your past and so i would embrace that yeah i i think i think you're

00:55:21.500 Right. I think when people see you're not doing that, they're like, Oh yeah, this guy's shady.

00:55:25.640 He's trying to hide it. Yeah. It's not flattering. It's flattering. A little self-deprecation goes a

00:55:31.520 long way not to beat yourself up. Like sometimes people make posts on social media and they'll be

00:55:35.780 like, you're an idiot or whatever they say. And I, and I just, I'm, I've been better about this 1.00

00:55:41.600 lately where I used to defend myself and get in fights. And then it's like, I look, I actually

00:55:46.380 and proved them right. Um, yeah. And so a lot of the times as, as I've been moving forward now,

00:55:52.840 it's like, man, if you knew me, you would say something way worse than that. Like, yeah,

00:55:59.140 you don't, it's like, it's disarming. Like people don't expect you to do that. When people talk

00:56:04.020 about my alcohol abuse or divorce, I'm like, yep. Yeah. That was a bad day. And those were

00:56:11.260 bad decisions. And that was not the kind of man I wanted to be. And here's what I'm doing now.

00:56:15.740 yeah yeah answer is yes so anyways just just keep your head down man i know and and people

00:56:23.800 have short memories too which is cool so yeah keep your head down let's be honest most of us

00:56:29.480 are concerned about ourselves anyway or they'll find somebody else to be mad about tomorrow and

00:56:35.140 so all you have to do is just outweigh it you're fine i know it's i know it seems like the end of

00:56:39.800 the world now but i think looking back over five years and 10 years and maybe in 20 years it just

00:56:45.360 looks like a little blip on the radar and that's it yeah yeah i love it man all right call to

00:56:52.160 action you know i think it goes back to what question was it was it our first question uh

00:56:58.520 that was the heart health the health scare no a little bit of the health scare i mean there's

00:57:04.640 a trend here right but i'm thinking primarily like cash right the combat vet npc it's like

00:57:10.300 player yeah and and getting the frameworks in place right you know you mentioned already ryan's

00:57:16.480 like hey do you have a vision of where you're going do you have the systems in place to build

00:57:22.940 the habits to be consistent consistent to transition whether that's him transitioning

00:57:28.860 from the military or whether it's um you know this other gentleman showing up more powerfully

00:57:35.780 for his nieces and nephews. I mean, we see the trend here, systems, clarity of around vision,

00:57:43.020 accountability. What's the next move, right? And that's what we do in the iron council. And so

00:57:48.700 to learn more about what we're doing there and to, to band with us, go to the iron council.com

00:57:53.860 a preview call. You changed the date slightly. I think it was the 12th or is it still the 12th?

00:57:59.320 Do you want to talk about it? Cause it might be a little bit different as well, right?

00:58:02.180 Yeah. We're going to do this a little differently. We're doing something that I call the war room.

00:58:05.600 where we all get together as men. It's free. There's no obligation with anything. You just

00:58:10.280 have to sign up and RSVP for it. Um, but it's called the war room where we all get together

00:58:15.180 and we counsel each other on different aspects of life. So that's going to be held. It's our

00:58:21.340 very first one. I'm very excited about it. It'll be Wednesday, August 19th. Yes. Wednesday,

00:58:27.620 August 19th at 8 PM Eastern. It's called the war room. If you go to order of man.com slash

00:58:33.060 war room. All you have to do is drop. I think you just drop your name and email address so I can

00:58:37.140 send you a reminder and then you're in, you're locked in. And again, we're going to be talking

00:58:41.680 about in that, in that call again, Wednesday, August 19th at eight, we're going to be talking

00:58:46.160 about building the kind of structures and boundaries that you need to have in place,

00:58:51.180 the systems that are going to help you conquer your life. So it's going to be a good time.

00:58:56.100 It's going to be very informative and you'll get an idea of other things that we do within

00:59:00.160 the organization and the movement. So check it out. Order of man.com slash war room, and you'll

00:59:05.840 get all the details. Excellent. And as always, if you're not following Mr. Mickler on X or

00:59:12.300 Instagram, that's at Ryan Mickler and why you're at it, hop on over to YouTube and subscribe there.

00:59:17.600 I think we have roughly about 350,000 subscribers on the YouTube channel. So feel free to join and

00:59:24.860 interact with us there as well. Sweet. Kip, appreciate you as always guys. Great questions

00:59:29.720 today. And as always, hopefully we gave you some, some things to chew on, some things to consider

00:59:33.720 to make your lives better. That's what we're all about. We will be back on Friday until then go

00:59:38.700 out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order

00:59:43.520 of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant

00:59:48.340 to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - August 05, 2026

Dealing with a Health Scare, Finding New Purpose, Offering Grace When it's Hard ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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