Order of Man - Rebuilding Trust ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 The unpure motive is I'm going to change just long enough for you to get you to change your

00:00:04.900 behavior so that you'll stick around or rehire me or keep me on or love me again or whatever

00:00:11.480 you're after. Again, that's manipulation and people can see right through that.

00:00:15.960 They're so good at sniffing out manipulation. Well, my wife doesn't believe me. She just thinks

00:00:20.760 I'm changing for just long enough for her to stay or come back. Right, because that's probably what

00:00:26.500 you're doing. Hey, what's up, you guys? I know this Friday Field Notes is coming to you a little

00:00:32.760 later than normal, and the audio and video quality is not where it normally is. That is my fault,

00:00:38.500 and I'm sorry because I thought I had recorded this episode before I came to Maine for Origins

00:00:45.160 Jiu-Jitsu Immersion Camp. Clearly, I did not, so I found this little room, a little bit of quiet,

00:00:52.080 and wanted to make sure I got you your Friday Field Notes, even if it's a little bit late.

00:00:56.500 I am looking forward to talking with you about this one because it's a crucial topic, one

00:01:01.260 that I've had to deal with personally and one that every single man on the planet has

00:01:04.800 had to deal with to varying degrees of success.

00:01:08.180 And part of the reason I think it makes sense is because what I'm doing here now is helping

00:01:14.000 to facilitate and build the topic that I'm going to be addressing with you today, which

00:01:18.300 is how to rebuild trust when it's been broken.

00:01:21.000 Now, me releasing a Friday field notes a little bit late and not having the greatest audio quality ever could doesn't really warrant a major infraction by any means, but it is important that we try to maintain the trust that we've spent years, if not decades of our life building.

00:01:41.560 So today, what I'm going to do is I'm going to share 12 tips that I have for you in rebuilding

00:01:46.860 trust, whether it's with your spouse, your children, maybe a client, boss, colleague,

00:01:52.700 coworker, friends, whoever it may be.

00:01:54.900 And the beautiful thing is regardless of who it is, the 12 steps that I'm going to go through

00:01:59.120 with you today apply broadly and universally.

00:02:02.800 So let's just jump right into this, guys, because I know, I know that we have all undermined

00:02:09.540 our trust in some way with other individuals. It could be something as minor as forgetting to pick

00:02:18.340 up milk on the way home and you told your wife you would to being unfaithful. You could have

00:02:24.700 shortcutted or dropped the ball when it comes to a project at work. Maybe you didn't coordinate

00:02:30.980 and communicate as effectively as you could with a client or you raised your voice and lost your

00:02:36.240 patience with your children. We've all done these things. That's not the most important thing. The

00:02:41.080 most important thing is to remember now, how do I rebuild and restore trust once it's been broken?

00:02:46.760 So like I said, we'll jump right into this today. Number one is you have to understand guys that

00:02:52.260 time does not rebuild trust. New behavior does. Okay. If you're thinking that, well, I did this.

00:02:59.380 And so because I did this, it wasn't very severe. So I would say in the next 30 days,

00:03:04.240 trust should be restored, waiting it out. And just thinking that that time is going to fix it

00:03:11.760 is going to be a problem for you because time doesn't fix it. It's like the age old adage of

00:03:16.640 men who are hurt and they say, well, it'll go away. Will it, will it go away or will it get

00:03:24.700 worse? In some cases it might, but that becomes a problem down the road if you don't address it

00:03:29.760 properly. Okay. Trust comes back through repeated action, not just enough days passing to

00:03:37.800 warrant somebody, you know, now believing in you again. Okay. Number two is you also don't get to

00:03:45.020 decide when trust is restored. I can't tell you how often I talk with men because we all have

00:03:50.800 this control problem. It seems like that we just think, well, you know, they, they should trust me

00:03:57.780 now. My wife should trust me now because I've done all these things and I've changed my behavior

00:04:03.520 and I'm a good person and I'm a good man. And now she needs to trust me. That's a problem.

00:04:11.760 You want your agency. You want your sovereignty. You want to be able to make decisions on your

00:04:17.960 own behalf. And I imagine the other people in our lives want to do the same. Now, look,

00:04:23.440 we can influence people's behavior. We can influence rebuilding trust, but we can't control

00:04:29.440 it. And there's a very, very important distinction. Influence is you acknowledging that you don't have

00:04:35.240 control over another person. It's, it's, it's acknowledging that there's things that you can do

00:04:42.760 to stack the odds in your favor, but you can't ultimately decide that they are going to restore

00:04:51.560 trust or believe that you're trustworthy. And that's hard to wrestle with because we know how

00:04:58.800 we're acting. We know how we're showing up. We know we've changed our behavior, but we don't

00:05:04.260 get to decide when that trust is restored. They get to decide. Okay. And what I'm going to talk

00:05:10.800 to you about the other 10 steps today will help facilitate that, but I can't tell you that it

00:05:16.560 guarantees it. Okay. Number three, explaining away your issues or your problems or whatever

00:05:25.100 you did, your indiscretions is not the same as owning the problem. I used to do this all the

00:05:31.460 time with my ex-wife. I would do something or a behavior or something she didn't like.

00:05:37.120 And then I would explain to her why I did the thing as if she just knew why I did it,

00:05:42.740 then it would be better now in some cases yes explaining the intricacies and nuance is important

00:05:47.800 but in most of the cases it's it's not really all that important you know you did wrong she knows

00:05:53.540 you did wrong your client knows you did wrong your kids know you did wrong and so does explaining it

00:05:58.760 make it better if the outcome was still the same that you hurt the person you care about

00:06:03.680 or you took advantage of them is is the reason any different does it change it

00:06:11.720 for example this might be a stretch but well no it's probably not a stretch this is probably

00:06:18.760 pretty accurate let's say that you're unfaithful to your wife does you saying well i'm not getting

00:06:25.440 the love i have at home or the respect i have at home and so i found it elsewhere

00:06:29.260 an explanation make it okay no actually it sounds worse because it sounds dismissive of how she must

00:06:38.180 be feeling if that's the case? What must she be experiencing and feeling because you decided to

00:06:43.900 step out when you agreed to be faithful? Guys, we need to own what we do. And owning is, I 0.99

00:06:52.200 acknowledge that you're upset. I acknowledge that you're hurt. I would feel very much the same if I

00:06:58.900 were in your shoes. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I did this thing. I'm sorry that I

00:07:05.980 caused you to feel this way. Now we're going to get into apologies. In fact, I'll save it. But

00:07:13.200 the way that we, the way that we apologize is also very interesting. Like, first of all,

00:07:20.520 don't ever say I apologize. Cause who says that corporations that are trying to rebuild their

00:07:25.580 client base. We sincerely apologize that we have offended blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:07:31.060 and we are educating ourselves and learning more and getting the facts and and really diving deep 0.95

00:07:38.420 into the problems and the hurt that we've caused nobody believes that shit because it's just not 0.75

00:07:44.200 true the language that human beings use for remorse is i'm sorry i'm sorry i did this i'm sorry 0.51

00:07:53.300 that i caused you to feel this way it pains me to know that i hurt you that's the language people

00:07:59.220 use. And, and by the way, it's never, I'm sorry. You feel that way. Cause that's also not an

00:08:04.860 apology. That's dismissive of your behavior. So let's get past the idea that we need to explain

00:08:11.280 everything away and just own it. Here's what I did. I acknowledge what I did. I should not have

00:08:16.760 done that. I am doing X, Y, and Z to make sure I don't do that again. And then if there needs to

00:08:22.920 be some level of explanation because they ask for it or require some nuance, that's one thing.

00:08:27.620 but if you're just explaining it away, it just sounds defensive. It sounds dismissive and it

00:08:33.260 sounds weak. Number four, guys, you have to match the size of the repair to the size of the break.

00:08:38.860 So again, if, if your wife asked for you to get milk on the way home from work and you forget it

00:08:45.400 because you're busy or distracted or just want to get home and she's like, Hey, did you have the

00:08:49.620 milk? And you're like, Oh man, I forgot. Just run down to the convenience store, get the milk,

00:08:54.160 come back problem solved unless it becomes a habitual problem okay but if you're unfaithful

00:09:02.160 or you stole from your boss or you wronged a client and it costs them time and or money

00:09:08.940 yeah you're going to need to do a little bit more than just run down to the store and grab some milk

00:09:13.400 it's going to take a lot of time it's going to take a lot of energy it's going to take

00:09:18.700 consistent effort for you to even have a chance at repairing the rupture. So you have to match

00:09:27.680 the size of the repair with the size of the break. Number five, as you're rebuilding trust,

00:09:35.840 guys, I want you to know that the transparency that you think you deserve or want in your life

00:09:40.060 is not really optional at this point. You have to be transparent. You have to volunteer information

00:09:47.440 that you don't necessarily want to the privacy that you want in your life is not really a

00:09:55.740 privilege that you get when you're trying to rebuild trust. Now, look, you don't have to

00:09:59.940 disclose everything to everybody just because you've rebuilt or you're rebuilding trust with

00:10:04.160 somebody. But if you've been unfaithful, yeah, having your wife have access to your phone is

00:10:13.580 probably going to be something that she would require i would require it if the role was 0.75

00:10:17.980 reversed if my the person of my life was was unfaithful in order for me to feel comfortable

00:10:24.880 about even remotely considering staying in that relationship yeah i would need to have access to

00:10:31.760 her her phone and people will say well that's controlling you call it what you want but that's 0.93

00:10:37.800 what I would require for a repair. If you have a problem with pornography and it's causing issues

00:10:45.060 in your relationship, then access to your web history is probably going to be a thing that 1.00

00:10:49.300 your wife should have access to. If you messed up with your finances in your relationship, 1.00

00:10:55.420 her having access to the bank accounts and the financial information is probably something that

00:10:59.560 she, she should have. So it's very, very crucial guys that we, uh, be transparent that we show

00:11:08.900 people what we're doing. We now look, we're, we're not doing it so that we can, um, gain

00:11:16.400 notoriety or accolades or even approval. Like somebody patting us on the head and saying,

00:11:21.200 good boy. Cause there's a temptation in doing that too. Right. It's like, look at all these

00:11:24.680 things I'm doing. Look, look, I'm being good. I'm doing all the things you want to be. Here's

00:11:27.500 the project I did, here's the thing I did. That's what we call manipulation. You're not doing it

00:11:32.600 for the right reason. You're doing it because you want somebody to behave a certain way. And that

00:11:38.360 is the definition of manipulation. You're just doing something to get somebody else to do

00:11:43.080 something. There's healthy forms of manipulation. You know, for example, if I'm a coach and I'm

00:11:49.440 speaking boldly and confidently into my players, it's because I want them to perform better.

00:11:54.520 We would all say that's healthy, but if I'm lying to people and deceiving people into

00:12:01.640 believing something that's not true so I can get them to do something on my behalf, we

00:12:06.520 would say that's an unhealthy form of manipulation, but you do have to be transparent.

00:12:11.060 You do have to show your cards, but you're not doing it so that people will acknowledge

00:12:14.760 you're doing it or, or, or that you get praise or points.

00:12:18.820 That's another thing people will do.

00:12:20.640 You're doing it because it's the right thing to do.

00:12:23.160 and the people in your life that you've hurt will want to see that.

00:12:26.420 Okay.

00:12:26.820 Number six, consistency beats intensity.

00:12:30.340 Imagine with me for a second that you're 30 pounds overweight and you think to yourself,

00:12:34.320 man, I'm really going to lose this weight.

00:12:36.780 And so you wake up tomorrow morning and you decide I'm going to go to the gym.

00:12:39.860 This is going to be a part of me losing weight.

00:12:42.140 And so you go to the gym and you spend from six in the morning until one o'clock in the

00:12:49.300 afternoon at the gym. 0.99

00:12:50.040 And you're busting your butt. 0.98

00:12:51.680 You're working hard. 0.99

00:12:52.600 You're sweating.

00:12:53.160 you're going to lose weight. You're going to burn calories for sure. But then you're just going to

00:12:58.040 be gassed and exhausted for the rest of the week. Now counter that with a guy who says, well, I'm

00:13:04.380 going to lose 30 pounds. And tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym. Let's say it's Monday. I'm going

00:13:08.080 to go to the gym Monday for an hour. And he does his hour, hard work, goes back to work. Tuesday,

00:13:15.040 hard work, does his hour, goes back to his daily life. Wednesday, an hour, Thursday, an hour,

00:13:22.520 friday now or so on and he does that for seven days in a row still the seven hours of work but

00:13:28.200 i would argue that the guy who did one hour per day over seven days is going to be significantly

00:13:32.580 better off than the guy who did seven hours one day per week intensity versus consistency now i

00:13:42.600 know this is a bit of false dichotomy you can have both but if you're thinking the more intense you

00:13:47.100 are, the quicker the result will come. Actually, probably the opposite is true. That guy who works

00:13:52.960 out for seven hours hard is probably going to be tired. He might actually risk hurting himself

00:13:58.740 and others around him, and he won't be able to sustain it. And then he'll be wishy-washy,

00:14:05.280 right? It's like, oh, he said he was going to go to the gym and he went to the gym and now he's

00:14:08.160 not going to the gym anymore. See, I knew I couldn't rely on this guy. The other one who

00:14:13.400 gets up and works out for an hour, then does his day works out for an hour, then does his day

00:14:17.840 works out for an hour, then does his day is a man who becomes reliable. He's less likely to be

00:14:22.500 injured. He's less likely to quit because he's doing something that's sustainable and people

00:14:28.000 will begin to notice guys. Consistency beats intensity. Number seven, the apology that you

00:14:34.860 make, as long as it's a sincere apology. And again, it's not, I apologize. It's I'm sorry.

00:14:39.720 and it's not, I'm sorry, you feel that way. It's, I'm sorry, I did. Has an expiration date. You

00:14:46.260 don't need to apologize forever, all the time, just indefinitely. Okay. You, you made a bad

00:14:54.480 decision or a series of bad decisions. Own it. Don't explain it away. Apologize for it. I am

00:15:01.560 sorry. I did this thing and then change your behavior. And then once your behavior is changed,

00:15:06.760 you don't need to keep saying i'm sorry your changed behavior is the sorry that's the sorry

00:15:13.120 people want to see when somebody mistreats me or takes advantage of me i would expect if they want

00:15:20.780 to reconnect and rebuild the relationship that they would say i'm sorry and then they would

00:15:25.040 become a new person not on my behalf but on their behalf that is the motive that is the purest

00:15:31.980 motive for apologizing is that, or just rebuilding trust is not so I can manipulate you or control

00:15:38.200 you or change you to act a certain way. It's so that I become the type of man that I want to be.

00:15:45.500 That's the purest motive. The unpure motive is I'm going to change just long enough for you to

00:15:52.180 get you to change your behavior so that you'll stick around or rehire me or keep me on or

00:15:57.260 love me again, or, or whatever you're after. Again, that's manipulation. And people can see

00:16:04.260 right through that. They're so good at sniffing out manipulation. And so if you just change for

00:16:09.660 a short period of time, or you keep apologizing, or you're seeking validation or keeping score,

00:16:16.440 which is one of the things that we'll talk about here in a second, the people in your life will

00:16:20.740 know, Oh, this is not a changed man. This is not a repentant individual. This is a person who's

00:16:26.400 trying to change their behavior long enough for me to do what they want me to do. I mean,

00:16:31.880 this is a story as old as time and I hear it just about every week. Well, my wife doesn't believe

00:16:36.700 me. She just thinks I'm changing for just long enough for her to stay or come back. Right.

00:16:42.180 Because that's probably what you're doing. And I get the draw. I mean, when I went through my

00:16:48.000 divorce, I did the same thing. I wanted her to stay and I was willing to do just about anything

00:16:54.200 morally, legally, ethically to get her to do so. And part of that was apologizing profusely. Part

00:17:04.220 of that was doing chores and things around the house or projects I committed to, and just to

00:17:10.040 get her to say, see that I was changed, but it's not how it works. Apologize and then change the

00:17:17.100 behavior indefinitely, which leads kind of into the next point. And this is point number eight

00:17:22.400 trust rebuilds the fastest when you stop asking for it because if you're seeking validation or

00:17:29.100 you're saying hey look at all the things i've done or even a covert contract you have in your

00:17:33.240 mind that if you do this for this period of time then that person like flipping a light switch on

00:17:40.060 the wall at some point they will trust you again if you're waiting for or asking for them to trust

00:17:51.340 you, why don't you just trust me? Look at all this work I've done for the past three weeks or

00:17:55.040 three months or three years or whatever. And you still don't trust me. That's a covert contract.

00:18:01.480 And a covert contract is you believing that a person owes you something without you explaining

00:18:06.560 to them what the terms of the agreement are, right? Imagine if I had one of you, you men who

00:18:13.720 listen to the podcast and I just, in my head believed that you owed me a thousand dollars

00:18:19.180 because you listen to this podcast. And so I send you an invoice for $1,000. And you look at it,

00:18:25.740 you're like, invoice from Order of Man for $1,000? What is this? Well, you probably wouldn't be very

00:18:32.600 happy about that. But I wouldn't be very happy about it either because I believe that you owed

00:18:37.340 me $1,000. You believe that we didn't. So who's right? Well, you are because I never discussed

00:18:41.540 that with you. We never agreed to the terms of the contract and therefore the contract is null

00:18:47.560 and void. Okay. The same is true when you have this idea of what you need to do and how long

00:18:55.440 you need to do it for without communicating to a person. Again, they have control over the apology,

00:19:00.140 not you. So stop asking for it. Stop campaigning for it. Like a politician who just morphs and

00:19:07.220 twists and distorts his words and his perspective based on who might be listening.

00:19:13.520 that's manipulation that's not principled principled is this is the kind of man i'm

00:19:19.320 going to be because this is the kind of man i am not because i know it will guarantee me a certain

00:19:25.680 outcome now i have faith that through good behavior i will be rewarded in relationships

00:19:31.260 in business in every aspect of my life but i don't do it for that reason that's a natural

00:19:38.380 byproduct of me just engaging in good behavior. Okay. Number nine, you have to tolerate being

00:19:48.240 tested, even if subconsciously without getting resentful about it, because people are going to

00:19:53.060 test you. Your boss is going to give you a little test just like, all right, you know what? I'm not

00:19:57.460 going to fire him. I've lost some trust for Ryan, but I'm going to, I'm going to give him this

00:20:02.140 little project and i might be resentful and say well this is beneath me you know i was doing these

00:20:09.180 big big huge contracts before and now i'm doing these little projects i feel silly or i feel

00:20:15.480 stupid or i feel like this is beneath me or your wife might throw out a little test and she might

00:20:21.100 push on you she might cop a little attitude with you and see if you freak out or she might ask you 1.00

00:20:28.020 to run down and get the milk at the grocery store and see if you remember some of that a lot of that

00:20:33.000 is subconscious but that will happen but here's the beautiful thing about being tested and i want

00:20:37.840 you to hear this and know this if a person is still testing you don't be upset about that

00:20:43.160 take hope in that it's when people go silent it's when they become indifferent that you have a

00:20:49.060 problem but until that point it's a beautiful thing that they're testing you because there's

00:20:54.640 a glimmer of hope and they're thinking man let i hope he passed this test he i want him to pass

00:21:01.000 this test because i want him here in this relationship or i want him here at this company

00:21:05.800 so if people are testing you you can't get resentful you can't get frustrated it's like

00:21:12.620 god why why i don't understand why why can't that's a problem and then it's going to spill

00:21:17.820 into your behavior your behavior is going to change it's probably going to revert back to

00:21:21.360 what it was before. And then you're starting over at ground zero. Don't start over, especially when

00:21:26.060 you build up the momentum. Okay. Number 10, watch for the moment that you start keeping score. We

00:21:32.380 talked a little bit about this. It's like, well, I look at all this stuff I've done. You know, I,

00:21:36.300 I done all the projects around the house. I've had all these conversations with you. I haven't

00:21:42.820 looked at pornography or I've been clear and transparent about the finances and I've done

00:21:49.740 it for the past three weeks now it's like okay and like do you think the past three weeks of

00:21:58.960 changed behavior is going to override the past three years of potentially horrible behavior

00:22:04.280 no probably not and again it's manipulation it's a covert contract i just thought to myself if i

00:22:11.100 did this for four weeks then she would love me again well that's not how it works it doesn't

00:22:15.500 work that way with you when people undermine trust with you. So why would it work the other way when

00:22:22.900 you are undermined in your trust from their perspective? It doesn't. We're human beings.

00:22:30.880 We're flawed. We have emotions. We don't always make good decisions. We're tempted to behave

00:22:37.820 poorly at times in our lives. And we're not always prudent. Now, I'm not saying just because

00:22:43.800 somebody doesn't forgive you. They're not being prudent, but I am saying they have their own set

00:22:47.540 of moral principles and codes that they live by and they may not align with yours. So stop keeping

00:22:52.500 score. The way that you do this is just doing what you know you need to be doing because it's

00:22:58.160 the right thing for you to do. Period. That's it. All right. Number 11, trust broken in one aspect

00:23:07.980 of your life doesn't doesn't heal in another so i'll give an example i'm here at jujitsu camp

00:23:16.780 with origin for the week and let's say i break my leg it's a compound fracture my bone sticking out

00:23:23.100 of my leg i run into the hospital or drive to the hospital probably don't run but drive get myself

00:23:27.500 driven to the hospital i should say and i go in and the er doc is like what seems to be the problem

00:23:32.460 like well doc look at my leg my bone's sticking out of my leg i think it's broken and i'm like

00:23:36.760 hmm yeah definitely is broken but let's go ahead and see how your shoulder is doing

00:23:42.380 so what are you talking about and then they start working on your shoulder and giving you

00:23:47.360 a massage or doing physical therapy or give you a referral for for physical therapy on your shoulder

00:23:51.760 that has nothing to do with what i need right now i need to to set potentially do surgery and to set

00:23:59.400 the bone and then i need to put a cast on my leg guys when and here's how we would do that in a

00:24:05.040 real world scenario. Let's say you've been unfaithful to your wife or, or maybe, um, you

00:24:12.780 lose your patience with your kids, or maybe you don't show up fully and present at home, or you've

00:24:17.640 missed games. Like pick your scenario. This happens a lot with men in the family dynamic is they,

00:24:23.880 is they aren't fully present at home, but they think that because they're present at work,

00:24:29.340 that it overrides being absent at home. Well, I don't understand why they're mad. I work hard.

00:24:35.040 I make money, I pay for their schooling, I pay for their extracurricular activities,

00:24:39.760 I put a roof over our head, I provide the bill for the groceries,

00:24:43.640 and they're mad at me because I didn't show up at a game, 0.96

00:24:47.140 or my wife's mad at me because I got home and I just sit my butt on the couch

00:24:50.520 and don't engage with her in any way, or the family. 0.71

00:24:53.660 What's the problem? I don't get it.

00:24:55.920 Really?

00:24:57.660 You don't understand that she and your children need you at home

00:25:02.720 just as much as you feel the desire to be at work.

00:25:05.520 And look, I get the pull.

00:25:06.540 It's like, I can't be at home all the time

00:25:08.160 because I'm also working so that my kids

00:25:10.840 and my wife have these things.

00:25:12.180 I get the logic behind it,

00:25:13.940 but it doesn't compute the same way on the other side.

00:25:16.920 If you want to rebuild trust at home,

00:25:19.060 that needs to take place at home.

00:25:23.500 You can't just say like,

00:25:24.800 oh, I need to rebuild trust with my family.

00:25:26.400 They say I'm not present, so I'm going to work harder.

00:25:28.500 it sounds silly because it is but that's what we do if your wife says you're not present at home

00:25:37.880 you need to be engaged at home i want you here i care about you i love you the kids want you here

00:25:41.820 you need to be involved with us then that's where you solve the problem at home not at work

00:25:46.260 focus on where the problem is fix it in that domain and guys the last thing i want you to

00:25:53.300 know and this is going to be hard to hear but it's also a very cathartic moment if you embrace this

00:25:58.300 is some trust just never comes back and you have to make peace with that.

00:26:04.620 Some trust never comes back because again, you don't get to decide. You can stack the odds in

00:26:09.760 your favor. You can influence people. You can't control them. And some trust will never come back.

00:26:13.860 And there's two reasons. It's important to know this two reasons. Number one, uh, is that if you

00:26:21.040 know that some trust doesn't come back, then you're free to change your behavior with the

00:26:27.620 correct underlying motive for doing so for example would you still go to the gym if you knew you

00:26:38.540 weren't going to lose any weight this week if the answer is yes then it's because you believe that

00:26:42.600 going to the gym is just a healthy lifestyle to have would you still be faithful to your wife

00:26:49.360 if you knew that you would never get caught if the answer is yes i would still be faithful then

00:26:55.240 you know, your motive is pure because you're going to be a good person because that's who

00:26:58.760 you agreed to be. But if your behavior would change based on whether or not a person acknowledged

00:27:05.760 it, then your motive is not pure. It's manipulative, right? I'm only engaged in this behavior because

00:27:11.960 I think it will win her back. I'm only engaged in this behavior because it will keep me from

00:27:17.160 getting fired. That's an inferior motive, but it's also an inferior way to live your life because

00:27:24.700 you're not convicted and as bought in as if somebody as if the it were somebody who said

00:27:31.200 I do this because it's the right thing to do and the other reason that this this concept of trust

00:27:37.740 never coming back is so important is because hopefully you can keep this at the forefront 0.77

00:27:42.880 of your mind and it will actually cause you to think differently before you make dumb decisions

00:27:47.200 like if I engage in this behavior then I may potentially lose my wife or my children or my 0.92

00:27:53.360 job forever and it's never coming back and that might just be enough fuel for you to do something

00:28:00.840 differently this is a hard one guys rebuilding trust is tough and it's painful and it's frustrating

00:28:09.240 and it's time consuming and it's gut-wrenching and you're having to deal with all of the

00:28:15.440 consequences even potentially on your own so it's brutal but it's crucial and i know you want to but

00:28:23.340 It's like, how do you do it properly?

00:28:25.320 This is how.

00:28:26.760 So let's recap.

00:28:27.580 Number one, time doesn't rebuild trust.

00:28:30.200 Number two, you don't get to decide when trust is restored.

00:28:34.260 Number three, explaining isn't the same thing as owning it.

00:28:37.920 Four is to match the size of the repair to the size of the break.

00:28:42.720 And again, I'm not going to put a Band-Aid on a fractured leg.

00:28:46.540 It's probably not going to do much.

00:28:49.580 Number five, transparency isn't optional as you're rebuilding.

00:28:52.960 Number six, consistency beats intensity.

00:28:56.300 Number seven, the apology that you make has an expiration date.

00:29:00.200 You don't need to keep apologizing.

00:29:01.820 Just change your behavior.

00:29:03.900 Number eight, trust rebuilds fastest when you stop asking for it.

00:29:07.680 Number nine, you have to tolerate being tested without getting resentful.

00:29:12.020 Number 10 is watch for the moment you start keeping score.

00:29:15.620 Be careful of keeping score.

00:29:17.440 Number 11, if you break trust in one area of your life,

00:29:21.620 you can't heal it by doing better in another area. You have to meet the problem where it is.

00:29:26.440 And number 12 is some trust just never comes back and you got to make peace with that. And if you do,

00:29:31.640 you're more likely to not break trust in the future and more likely to engage in the right

00:29:38.700 activity for the right reasons. Guys, I hope that helps today. Again, I apologize. Remember,

00:29:46.400 we don't say, apologize. We say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the audio quality today. I'm going to

00:29:53.180 do better at that and make sure I get my stuff recorded before, um, before I go on a trip.

00:29:59.980 And, uh, if you're catching this on YouTube, which I highly recommend you do not watch this

00:30:03.740 on YouTube because the backdrop is not nearly as cool as the backdrop at my house, but I do hope

00:30:08.220 it gives you some insight and idea into how to rebuild trust. This is one that gets brought up

00:30:13.800 all the time. And if you follow these 12 steps, I can't guarantee you will rebuild the trust,

00:30:19.340 but I can guarantee you give yourself the best chance to do so. All right, guys, make sure you

00:30:25.060 check. I'm just going to pull up my calendar here real quick. We've got a war room. We're talking

00:30:29.320 about being the enforcer, the rescuer or the anchor. And this is specifically as it relates

00:30:35.500 to leadership. So if you're trying to enforce or if you're trying to rescue people from themselves,

00:30:41.080 those are going to be inferior to being the anchor in people's lives that they can build

00:30:45.500 their own leadership or organizations or family unit around. So this is a free thing that we do.

00:30:50.940 We do it every single month. This one's going to be held on September 16th at 8 PM Eastern.

00:30:55.740 If you go to order of man.com slash war room, that's order of man.com slash war room. Uh,

00:31:02.420 you can check it out and register. And then we'll see you on September 16th at 8 PM Eastern guys.

00:31:09.180 that's all I've got for you today. If you have any questions, thoughts, ideas, considerations,

00:31:12.980 potential podcast guests, uh, reach out to me, connect with me, uh, hit me up on Instagram,

00:31:18.660 very active over there and, and, or YouTube. And, uh, we'll plan on being here next week for our

00:31:24.440 interview until then go out there, take action, rebuild trust, and become the man you are meant

00:31:30.280 to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your

00:31:35.380 life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at

00:31:39.900 orderofman.com.

Order of Man - August 28, 2026

Rebuilding Trust ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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