Order of Man - First-Time Fatherhood, Protecting Your Peace, and Finding Your Faith ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 why you're using that as an excuse what what are you running away from are you running away from

00:00:06.400 the fear of inadequacy are you running away because you don't like your wife and you guys

00:00:12.840 are struggling in your relationship um are you are you running away because you don't know how

00:00:17.420 to do it so it's easier to go to work because you do know how to do that ask yourself why

00:00:22.440 why work is a distraction and what it's distracting you from so you can begin to work

00:00:27.520 if your relationship needs work good get after it kip what's up man so good to see you um had a

00:00:35.440 great call uh yesterday i know you hopped on for a little bit and uh it's pretty cool to see how

00:00:40.160 many guys are engaged and interested in what we're talking about and hopefully learning and applying

00:00:44.700 i mean that's the biggest thing applying what we're talking about right yeah absolutely well

00:00:49.560 and i love the move to do the war room monthly um and providing value like a lot of guys that may

00:00:57.200 have joined last night, you know, maybe they're, they've never been in the iron council. Maybe

00:01:01.520 they just listened to the podcast and to be able to be part of the conversation with you and other

00:01:06.040 guys around frameworks in our lives and how we can show up more powerfully. It's like,

00:01:10.760 why wouldn't you join those calls? Yeah. I mean, it's, it's kind of a given. So,

00:01:15.400 well, and that's the thing I've noticed too, is like, everybody's trying to sell something

00:01:20.900 and push something, their course, their product or this, the, that. And look, I mean, I'm a

00:01:25.840 business owner i do the same thing uh so i'm not saying it's bad or immoral i mean that's one

00:01:31.240 that's actually one thing you hear a lot more of is that making money is just immoral even if

00:01:36.840 people don't say it as blatantly like that they they act as if it is you know they take they take

00:01:41.560 these individuals um who have managed to build tremendous amounts of wealth in their life and

00:01:47.100 they treat them like villains and criminals for simply being good at making money and it's a

00:01:54.220 little disheartening, but there's also a lot of burnout, I think with social media and everything

00:01:59.080 else going on that it's just nice for guys to be able to get together and say, Hey, here's some

00:02:03.180 things that might help. And, um, if they do great. And if they don't great, all it costs you was an

00:02:10.000 hour of your time and learning some information that you didn't have before. So I think it'll be

00:02:14.320 good. I'm excited to see how it develops. Yeah. I was talking with a sales leader last night around

00:02:19.760 this subject, we were talking about not wanting to be a sleazy sales guy. And, and obviously the

00:02:27.780 conversation went to, well, don't be a sales guy, just provide value, provide clarity. What is the

00:02:35.820 service? And while you're at it, provide some value on the call and don't pressure people.

00:02:41.520 Like, do you even like, I ran into this issue, even in my tech space where you could have a

00:02:48.620 sales guy that would really push a sell, but let's say he's very assertive, overly assertive,

00:02:54.160 maybe too aggressive, got the sell. But what you don't realize is if I bought with remorse,

00:03:04.220 now my, my time in the engagement with you is looking for what? Looking for evidence why this

00:03:11.060 was a bad decision because I didn't feel great about this decision. And so now I'm, I'm picking

00:03:16.980 and looking for why I shouldn't have done it because that's how I felt. Like there's a price

00:03:22.520 to that. There's a price to selling people against their, you know, their better judgment.

00:03:29.060 So don't do it. You'll, you'll pay the cost for that. You may get the sale right now,

00:03:33.780 but you might end up with a project that goes South. You might lose yourself

00:03:37.980 and profit margin on the actual project itself. They might go negative until more clients like,

00:03:43.560 you know i don't know there's there's value in the transparency and communication

00:03:48.260 and just providing value and letting people choose i mean that's that's the end at the end

00:03:54.320 of the day you want your own sovereignty so you need to afford that for other people and trust

00:04:00.780 that they can make a decision on their own as an adult like they can make a decision whether or not

00:04:07.740 they want to purchase or buy so i agree with you and i also think just like anything there's

00:04:12.320 opposite ends of the extreme, right? Or opposite extreme ends. Um, you know, you're talking about

00:04:18.460 the extreme of being aggressive and I've certainly seen those people, you know, that it's notorious

00:04:22.500 in the car sales industry, right? That's kind of the, the quintessential example. But on the other

00:04:28.300 hand, a lot of people just don't do it at all. I mean, they're so afraid to ask for a sale.

00:04:33.040 They're so like, I just want to add value. It's like, you didn't even give the guy an opportunity

00:04:37.140 to do something with that value so it is it is interesting to try to navigate the two um but at

00:04:42.980 the end of the day i think your your your framework what you just talked about or your belief in it

00:04:48.320 which is hey i'm going to add as much value as i possibly can and let the chips fall where they

00:04:53.960 may i even like something that you've said in the past too um you know it's a it it can be a little

00:05:02.240 bit of a reverse psychology thing and i've seen people do it that way but i'm not suggesting you

00:05:06.200 do this in a manipulative way is just take it off the table. Like if it's not a good fit for

00:05:12.020 the customer and you as the owner of the product acknowledge that. So if you were coming to me for

00:05:17.760 something and, and I knew it wasn't a good fit, then I should be the first one to say, Hey, you

00:05:22.180 know what Kip? Like I would love to do business. I'd love to take your money, but I wouldn't feel

00:05:27.260 right about it because I don't think this is a fit for you. And then what you do from there is

00:05:32.760 you help that person get a fit. So you might say, but I've got a friend who isn't much more aligned

00:05:39.260 with what your goals and ambitions are. Can I make an introduction? And the beauty of this,

00:05:45.360 I love introductions as just a way of adding value because it's a leveraging opportunity.

00:05:51.960 So if I just sell you something, then I'll make the sale and I'll give you value. And it's just a

00:05:57.740 one it's just you and me that's it but if I give you an introduction I'm helping you with your

00:06:05.840 product needs and I'm helping the other guy with a referral or an introduction to somebody he would

00:06:11.500 not have had it before so I'm I'm leveraging my effort and it just makes you look good I mean

00:06:16.560 talk about goodwill and when you actually have a need for whatever it is I offer whether it's you

00:06:22.300 were a friend, guess, of course, you're going to turn to me. Of course you are. So I love this

00:06:29.080 stuff, man. I could talk about this all day. Well, and talking about providing value, you know,

00:06:34.800 next month, September 9th, we're doing another session of the war room. So to sign up and

00:06:41.420 register and reserve your spot, go to orderofman.com slash war room to be part of the discussion next

00:06:47.880 month. Yeah, we're going to be talking about how men tend to slip into different categories when

00:06:56.260 it comes to leadership. And this is something that I've learned a lot from you on, which is

00:06:59.600 the enforcer and the rescuer. And we might riff on that a little bit, but we're going to be

00:07:04.540 addressing that. And then also looking at how to find the middle ground where, you know, you care

00:07:11.300 about people and you want the best for them, but you don't feel obligated or obligated to like

00:07:18.260 force them, strong arm them into doing what's right for them. So it should be an interesting

00:07:23.140 discussion. Yeah, absolutely. All right, let's get into some questions. So our first question

00:07:28.780 is from Marcus Webb. Oh, wholesome. We didn't do a wholesome segment. Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

00:07:33.160 Sorry. So I've got one that I just came across yesterday. I heard this yesterday. There's a

00:07:37.440 billionaire hedge fund manager. And you probably heard his name, Bill Ackman. Does that name ring

00:07:42.920 a bell? No, it doesn't. Okay. It it's beside the point, but he's a billionaire hedge fund manager

00:07:50.120 and his, uh, recently he just shared that his daughter, uh, suffered from a brain hemorrhage,

00:07:56.780 I believe. And the way that I understand this is that if after about five hours without

00:08:04.760 performing surgery to basically relieve the pressure of the brain and and drain the blood

00:08:09.960 um common medical practice is like this is it like we're not going to say we're not going to

00:08:16.700 rescue you because you're done well this this woman and i i think if i remember correctly

00:08:21.640 was 18 hours after her brain hemorrhage was she operated on and it was she was operated on

00:08:28.660 successfully and she's recovering slowly. Um, I think she still can't see the way I understand it,

00:08:37.040 but she can hear, she can, um, formulate words. She's walking up to, I think they said a hundred

00:08:44.160 feet at a time, you know, and that might not sound like a lot, but when you have that sort of

00:08:49.020 catastrophic injury to the brain, I mean, it's, it's catastrophic. So it's pretty cool. But what

00:08:55.480 was interesting is that he is committed and i'm just reading this part right here committed 400

00:09:01.760 million dollars to establish the akman let's see akman oxman institute in new york to focus on

00:09:08.080 brain research and rehabilitation and i have a little bit of a bone to pick not with that at all

00:09:15.380 but with the way the commentary like people are insane because the commentary you'll hear a lot

00:09:21.300 on this and I've done a little bit looking into this is well if that was my daughter she would

00:09:26.560 just die and so they're critiquing this guy because he's got billions and billions of dollars

00:09:32.780 and doing everything he can to save his daughter which is what any of us would do but what people

00:09:38.980 are failing and look saying that if it was your daughter she might die I mean I don't think you're

00:09:43.940 necessarily wrong like if we don't have access to the best medical care access to the best

00:09:49.460 medical strategies access to groundbreaking care like somebody with a billion dollars might

00:09:55.020 yeah it's it might be a different scenario so i'm not denying that what i get frustrated with

00:10:01.780 is that even though that might be true this guy is committing 400 million dollars to brain research

00:10:09.020 building an institute that down the road they will develop something some new technology medical

00:10:15.980 intervention procedure that will then go on to save potentially millions of people's lives 0.90

00:10:22.900 and this is what really ignorant people don't understand about capitalism about profit incentives

00:10:31.940 is that that stuff trickles down i remember i remember tvs when when they first like started 0.89

00:10:40.900 doing flat screen TVs and they were astronomically expensive but the technology is better it

00:10:46.940 developed they got smaller they got lighter they got crisper they got cleaner and TVs now are a

00:10:53.200 tenth of the cost of what they were before same thing with a cell phone only the richest people

00:10:58.520 in the world had a cell phone 30 years ago and they had the big shoebox thing in their car and

00:11:04.960 now we've got my phone's I don't even know where my phone is but now we've got supercomputers in

00:11:09.640 our pocket that did more to then the computers they were using to put a man into space so the

00:11:17.120 wholesome thing of this is that medical technology capitalism innovation free markets profit

00:11:29.540 incentives are a good thing they're a beautiful thing and anyone who complains about it is being

00:11:37.720 a little bit hypocritical because they're using the same technology that they might have been

00:11:44.940 railing against even 20 years ago. So I just thought it was an interesting story. And it's

00:11:49.440 frustrating when people don't understand the nuance because they're so frustrated about some

00:11:54.640 evil billionaire out to get them for some reason. Yeah. And I, I like the idea of complete the

00:12:01.680 thought then. Well, you know, if I did, if, if my daughter had the same problem, she would have

00:12:06.800 awesome so what are you going to do about it to become more resourceful so then that way if that

00:12:10.600 happened your daughter wouldn't die oh got it you just want to keep complaining good point

00:12:17.300 right so like if it or you're like well he should be spending his money elsewhere awesome then you

00:12:23.180 do it right it's it's so easy to criticize what everyone else is doing hell of a lot harder to

00:12:29.180 actually do something about and take action on your own yeah no doubt no doubt all right man

00:12:35.720 let's get to it all right questions now what do we got okay marcus webb i just found out my my wife

00:12:42.380 is pregnant with our first and honestly i'm more scared than excited is that normal or does it mean

00:12:48.760 something's wrong with me oh it's totally normal yeah there's nothing there's nothing wrong with

00:12:56.480 you um and you know the other thing that i thought about when it comes to fathers and mothers

00:13:01.720 fatherhood is more exciting for men after the baby's born it just is and you don't get involved

00:13:11.300 yet yeah right and motherhood is at conception so even though a mom when a baby's in the womb a mom

00:13:17.180 might be nervous she also's like oh i feel the baby kick and i feel this immense love for this

00:13:24.740 human being growing inside of me so she gets a lot of the excitement that mixes with the fear and

00:13:30.460 and anxiety. But as a father, you just have fear and anxiety without any of the benefit of being

00:13:35.860 connected to the kid yet. So I think for men, it's completely normal to worry about money. And

00:13:43.780 do I have what it takes? And is my wife going to suffer from postpartum? And how do I help her 1.00

00:13:48.840 during this? But you have absolutely during this time, there is no benefit to you right now.

00:13:54.940 it's just anxiety women it's not the same and i'm not saying they don't have their share of

00:14:00.960 challenges they certainly do but it's a different dynamic so yeah i think it's fair to assume that

00:14:06.860 you're gonna have some some fear and trepidation about what's about to happen in your life but

00:14:11.440 it's gonna be amazing and the best part is it just keeps getting better it gets harder too

00:14:17.260 but it gets better my oldest son graduating going to college you know my my second son

00:14:23.300 with what he's doing with sports um my daughter to watch her dance i went to one of her dance

00:14:28.640 recitals um like three or four months ago and it's my daughter and she's up there and i almost

00:14:35.680 didn't even recognize her i was like what the heck this is crazy it's crazy um and then my

00:14:42.440 youngest son and his personality and our relationship it's amazing but yeah i definitely

00:14:46.520 understand that this the fear right now that's totally common totally makes sense do you remember

00:14:51.760 your thought when, when, uh, you found out that you're going to be a dad? Do you remember like

00:14:57.260 the thoughts that crossed your mind? I don't remember exactly, but I remember being like,

00:15:02.160 uh, and, and I was, I do one thing I do really remember is trying to be excited when she told me.

00:15:09.500 Yeah. It wasn't like, it wasn't like I wasn't excited and it wasn't like it wasn't planned.

00:15:15.960 we were trying, but my first reaction was, Oh no, what did I do? That was my first reaction

00:15:22.840 as a man. But at the time she's excited. I'm like, yay, I'm excited. I don't know if it's

00:15:29.500 like that for all men, but the excitement came later for me is a lot of nerves up front.

00:15:34.860 Oh, totally. Me too. I remember I was exactly the same way. I'm like, Oh, amazing. But in my heart,

00:15:40.480 I was like, Oh crap. And my first thought was like, how are we going to do this? Right. Like, 0.89

00:15:47.600 how am I going to do this? How am I going to go to school full-time, um, and work full-time job?

00:15:53.020 Right. Cause at the time I was working part-time, you know, and I'm like, all right, that's going

00:15:56.940 to change. She can't work. Right. And is school off the table? How am I going to pull this off? 0.96

00:16:03.220 Right. So it was, we can relate. Marcus is what I'm trying to illustrate here is, uh, we can relate

00:16:08.740 to it. I think from some practical steps, you know, um, talk, talk with your dad. If you have

00:16:14.460 a close relationship, talk with other men in your network who are fathers and ask what they went

00:16:19.880 through. Um, I think, I think nerves and fear are a positive thing because it drives us to take

00:16:26.100 action. So if you're scared about finances, you got nine months. So start locking down some debt.

00:16:32.660 I mean, that was the first major level. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. For you. I'm sure you leveled

00:16:37.960 big time totally or or you know maybe you're thinking about the baby's room and it's like

00:16:44.160 man i got a lot of projects around the house that i've been putting off cool now get them done so

00:16:48.760 mom and baby are comfortable like there's a lot of good that can come from the fear if you let it

00:16:53.780 drive you to action it's kind of like what you were saying earlier um complete the thought i'm

00:16:59.540 afraid is not the entirety of the thought i'm afraid therefore i'm going to do this to address

00:17:06.340 it and let it let it guide you yeah all right danny uh ruiz my old man was around physically

00:17:15.160 but checked out emotionally my entire life now he's sick and wants to make things right

00:17:21.340 do i let him in or protect my peace i love the black and white you know yeah that's a false

00:17:29.120 why why is it that i mean even if you're just doing it for him let's say like if that's your

00:17:38.920 only motive um why is like i don't we don't know the full story but why would that be at odds with

00:17:46.920 protecting your peace like you could be peaceful in that i i mean to reconcile with your dad to

00:17:53.380 give him the gift of forgiveness to tie up some loose ends for you to have some conversations,

00:18:01.200 maybe to acknowledge the good that he did, even though he wasn't there emotionally,

00:18:04.940 he was there physically, which means he was probably paying the bills and

00:18:08.080 keeping the roof over your head. That all sounds like alignment with peace, not opposite of it.

00:18:15.840 Well, some guys had a lot of physical when they were kids and I'm sure they wish that dad was

00:18:21.560 never around. No, that's true. I don't know. I just, I've, you know, I, I never really got a

00:18:31.320 chance to reconcile with my dad and I don't feel like I had to the same degree that it sounds like

00:18:36.800 you're talking about. Um, but there were some things that I wish I would have said, and now I

00:18:43.340 don't get to Sam. So you can protect yourself, uh, emotionally. You can protect yourself physically.

00:18:51.000 you cannot maybe depending on the situation get other people like your wife or kids involved if

00:18:55.680 you want to protect them like i understand all of that depending on how the situation is going

00:18:59.860 but i don't know i think the greater regret for you and i'm just trying to fast forward and

00:19:05.960 project myself out into the future in your shoes i think the greater risk for you is not doing that

00:19:11.980 and then having regret for the rest of your life after your dad passes away than it is to afford

00:19:17.840 him some grace and try to see what you can do in a, in a, in a safe, healthy way, because that's

00:19:26.000 not going to create regret. You're not going to regret trying. You could potentially regret not

00:19:30.760 trying. I would argue Danny, that you're not at peace right now. Right. I mean, if, if you are so

00:19:40.680 upset that you think him trying to have a relationship with you, um, keeps you peace.

00:19:48.840 Well, you don't have peace. You're just not addressing it. And, and I love, I mean,

00:19:54.400 I'm going to slaughter it, but like this idea that forgiveness is not for him. It's for you.

00:20:01.360 Um, it's for your peace that you forgive people. Um, so you can be at peace with yourself around

00:20:07.880 how you're showing up in, in the relationship in spite of him. And so, um, now sometimes we're not

00:20:15.460 emotionally capable, maybe depending on our EQ to deal with certain types of relationships. And

00:20:22.480 maybe, you know, like I can't handle it, but I'd be leaning in the direction of being complete

00:20:28.080 with your dad, regardless of what he's doing. And I think that's where peace shows up for you.

00:20:34.280 And this might be an amazing opportunity for you to find that and to serve him regardless of his shortcomings.

00:20:45.880 Yeah.

00:20:46.880 I mean, my mom went through this with her mother specifically when, towards the end of her life.

00:20:54.040 And my mom and her had a strained relationship.

00:20:57.060 It wasn't horrible, but it was strained.

00:20:58.620 There was a lot of, I think, contention and animosity in the past.

00:21:01.760 and my mom told me and I remember this vividly she's like me going to serve my mom even though

00:21:08.000 I had some of those feelings was the best thing I ever could have done for our relationship

00:21:12.920 and for me and she really had she developed a deeper sense of love that she had for her mom

00:21:20.640 because she served her and her mom at that point couldn't do anything for her

00:21:25.460 but just the fact that my mom could serve her created an entirely different relationship it's

00:21:31.460 it was actually really, really beautiful to see.

00:21:34.180 Totally. Totally. And sometimes you don't need a good reason.

00:21:37.940 Oh, good. No, there's an inch.

00:21:40.340 When you were talking about the emotional intelligence thing, I was thinking,

00:21:43.900 I mean, we don't know if, if Danny, if that's an issue or not,

00:21:48.700 but if it is, I wonder where you got that from, right?

00:21:55.100 Yeah.

00:21:55.360 You're talking about your dad not being emotionally present and man,

00:21:58.940 if you're not emotionally present, is this an op?

00:22:01.240 again, I'm, I'm making a lot of assumptions on this one, but there's guys that I'm sure feel

00:22:05.940 this way. Is this an opportunity to break the chain for your children? Potentially. Yeah. Yeah.

00:22:12.940 And chances are there's no chain breaking without something difficult. Yeah. So this is really

00:22:18.340 difficult. There's a really good chance. This is exactly the opportunity to learn and grow.

00:22:22.980 Yeah. I just say, do it in a healthy and safe way. Like, you know, maybe it's field a phone call for,

00:22:28.180 for a for a half an hour or whatever and see it would see what it's like and then you know maybe

00:22:33.660 it's uh catching breakfast together and see what it's like no no no expectation and then maybe it's

00:22:39.780 you know go on a trip or have them come over and see the kids you can you can gradually work your

00:22:43.440 way into this is what i'm saying totally totally yeah all right colton fraser i've got three guys

00:22:50.700 i call brothers but we haven't had hard conversations in years it's all surface level

00:22:55.980 jokes, hunting trips. How do I push it deeper without get, without it getting weird?

00:23:03.620 I actually saw this question. I like this question. I think a lot of guys deal with this

00:23:07.760 and it's totally, you know, we, we often joke about small, I don't want to do small talk and

00:23:12.100 I don't, I don't care about the weather, the sports. I mean, the small talk is good. It's

00:23:15.740 what turns into a larger, deeper talk, but we also have to remember that not everybody is

00:23:20.500 interested in the same depth that we are. That was part of the reason that I started order of

00:23:24.120 man is because I was actually having a hard time finding men who wanted to be as involved in my,

00:23:30.380 in development as, as I did. Um, but like I was saying with, with Danny, uh, you, you can do this

00:23:38.840 slowly without making it weird, right? So if you and I have been buddies for years and all we've

00:23:45.120 ever been doing is talking about sports and hunting. And then all of a sudden I come to you

00:23:50.060 I'm like, Hey man, like I need to talk with you about my deepest, darkest desires and what I'm

00:23:54.720 fearing and what I'm struggling with. It was like, Whoa, it's a lot for a guy who might not be

00:24:01.200 interested in that. And that's where the weirdness comes in. Right. But I saw this question and I

00:24:06.160 came up with this acronym on the fly, which I'm pretty proud of. And the acronym is golf. So I

00:24:10.700 just say, go golfing with the guys. Okay. And what I mean by that is this. So again, golf is the

00:24:16.060 acronym, the G is goals. So if you're not on a hunting trip or you're at the game, it might be

00:24:25.020 very simple to say, Hey man, I was thinking about something like, we never really talked about like

00:24:30.140 what your goals are this year. Do you have any goals? Like I want to, my, one of my goals is to

00:24:34.860 generate additional 20% of revenue this year. And I, I guess I don't really know what your goals are.

00:24:41.340 If he laughs at you and mocks it, or he's like, that's stupid. I don't want to talk or he doesn't 0.99

00:24:45.760 have goals, that's a sign that maybe this isn't a guy that you're going to be able to go deeper

00:24:50.620 with. And you have to acknowledge that maybe he's just a hunting buddy and that's it. And I got to

00:24:55.160 go somewhere else for something else. So the first one is goals. The next is obstacles. So again,

00:25:01.580 I might say, hey man, I've really been struggling with something at work. I've got this boss and

00:25:07.040 man, he's such a pain to work with. Like he's arrogant, he's brash. He doesn't give us the 0.99

00:25:13.080 resources we need and i'm wondering if you've ever had a situation like that and what did you do

00:25:17.960 about it so obstacles uh the next is lies and when i say lies i'm talking about the deceit that you

00:25:25.760 have like do you really know yourself and what sort of persona are you putting on what what kind

00:25:33.860 of performance are you engaged in with your friends to make you better than you are and can

00:25:38.600 you acknowledge that? Can you say to a guy like, Hey, look, man, um, I know we always have these

00:25:44.800 conversations and I always say things are, are, are good right now, but I just, I actually want

00:25:49.520 to be honest about it. I'm not actually in a good place right now. I'm struggling with this.

00:25:54.780 So that's, that's what I mean by lies. And the last is fears. You know, you like, like, like,

00:26:00.840 um, the, the first guy who asked the question about, uh, a new child, right? Like, Hey, I'm

00:26:07.420 about to have a baby and I'm I'm afraid man I'm worried I don't know if we have the financial

00:26:11.300 resources to do it and you have two kids like what have you done right so golf goals obstacles

00:26:17.300 lies and fears and dabble in that a little bit do it casually and lightly and see who takes the

00:26:23.060 bait see who goes deep with you and other people won't and then you know what kind of friend

00:26:27.260 category they are and by the way there's nothing wrong with having friends who it's just surface

00:26:33.160 level. And then you, you just enjoy going to the game or having a good laugh, but you also have to

00:26:38.660 have other friends that you can go deep with. Yeah. And, and the common thread that I saw in

00:26:44.580 your golf is it all requires you to go first. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So, and, and it's way

00:26:52.840 more effective for me to come to Ryan saying, Hey, you know, I have these fears and whatever

00:26:57.780 versus, Hey Ryan, I'm going to go deeper in our, can you share some fears that you have with me?

00:27:02.580 You know what I mean? It's like, no, no, stop, stop thinking everyone else should go first and coach them to go first. You go right. And, and then test it out. And, and some guys may give you, you know, responses and you might realize like this dude is, uh, he's not positioned to really coach me in this area. Yeah. And that's okay too. You know?

00:27:23.680 yeah i think i like that go first um without any expectation is important um make it make it light

00:27:32.620 and you know just here's another thing i don't think i've ever had anyone

00:27:39.600 mock me when i share these things now that's not entirely true they'll bust my chops because

00:27:47.020 that's what your friends do but that's different than mocking you and i've never had anybody when

00:27:53.660 i've opened up in some way mock me never and i don't i just don't you've known these guys for

00:28:00.520 years i just don't think that's a risk you're gonna have to deal with and i think most guys

00:28:05.600 are actually looking for the same thing they're just not saying it agreed right agreed so yeah

00:28:10.120 all right why it sims my wife says i use work as an excuse to avoid being present at home

00:28:17.760 she's not wrong but i also feel like providing is showing up how do you balance that

00:28:24.460 providing is part of showing up

00:28:28.980 but it's like saying i'm healthy because you have good blood pressure but you're overweight it's

00:28:37.940 like you're not i mean you might be healthy in the fact that your your blood pressure is good

00:28:42.420 but you're you're obese so are you healthy or not well no not entirely so are you providing

00:28:50.300 yeah the financial means sure that's good that's part of our responsibility but it's not showing up

00:28:58.460 as in it's not all of showing up so i think if you wrap your head around the idea that providing is

00:29:05.340 more than just financial provision that you'll see that you need to be home for her that when

00:29:12.840 she's having a bad day you need to be able to listen to what she's dealing with you need to

00:29:18.620 be able to treat her like she matters this is one thing guys do a lot i don't think most men do this 0.97

00:29:24.240 on purpose they they the way they respond makes their wives feel like they're dumb

00:29:31.520 and that their opinions don't matter and that they don't have their own dreams and goals and 0.90

00:29:37.720 desires. A lot of men do this to women subconsciously. If you treat her like she

00:29:44.380 matters and you listen to her stories and you hear her fears and dreams and golf and all this

00:29:50.520 stuff we're talking about, um, that's part of providing too. You're providing an environment

00:29:58.140 where she feels emotionally safe and regulated by the way do that for your kids too like listen to

00:30:04.960 your kids listen to what they like listen to what they're excited about listen to what they're

00:30:09.160 afraid about listen to what their goals are help facilitate their dreams and goals help make it

00:30:14.140 possible my two oldest boys when they're playing lacrosse I was I help with sponsorships for the

00:30:19.500 team I help with team photos not because I necessarily wanted to do that but because I

00:30:25.000 wanted to be close to them because that's part of providing as well. So I would really start to

00:30:31.020 ask yourself why, cause you said it's true, why you're using that as an excuse. What, what are

00:30:37.140 you running away from? Are you running away from the fear of inadequacy? Are you running away

00:30:44.620 because you don't like your wife and you guys are struggling in your relationship? Um, are you,

00:30:50.580 are you running away because you don't know how to do it? So it's easier to go to work because

00:30:54.440 you do know how to do that yeah ask yourself why why work is a distraction and what it's

00:31:02.120 distracting you from so you can begin to work on that if your relationship means work good get after

00:31:07.860 it anyways that's what i think totally yeah i feel like we need to line up uh uh an introduction

00:31:14.460 danny meet wyatt wyatt meet danny um danny's whole question why it is the result of you

00:31:23.100 wanting to do what his dad did which was around physically but not present in his life so

00:31:28.260 yeah look at daddy's question to know if that was a good idea or not

00:31:32.020 yeah good point yeah yeah i would have some deep conversations with with yourself and with her

00:31:40.580 about why this is the case and and even asking her too all right babe well okay so you're not

00:31:47.080 totally wrong this is not uncommon for men by the way like we always do this every single one of us

00:31:52.940 So you're not abnormal or weird.

00:31:55.920 But what I would do is I'd have some deep conversations with her and say, hey, look, I know you want me to be more present and it's hard for me.

00:32:03.380 I know work.

00:32:05.440 Financial provision is a big part of what I do.

00:32:07.600 I feel good because I can bring home the bacon.

00:32:10.060 I feel valued at work.

00:32:11.700 There's a lot about it that I really love.

00:32:13.280 But I also love you and the kids and I want to be here for you guys.

00:32:17.080 So when you say presence, you want me to be here and be more present.

00:32:21.320 what what does that look like for you how would that how would that show up what what is it that 1.00

00:32:29.620 you'd like me to do now you got to be careful because sometimes women women will have this 0.88

00:32:35.080 idea of like well I don't want to have to tell you I just want you to know yeah okay well you

00:32:40.480 can come up with ideas right so a better conversation might be hey babe I've been

00:32:44.820 thinking a lot about this and you're not totally wrong um what I'd like to do is I would like to

00:32:50.460 take you out one night a week. And I think if we just reserved Thursday or Friday night for our

00:32:56.980 date night, that would be great. I'd also like to maybe when we get home, um, just decompress with

00:33:03.800 each other a little bit, ask about your day. You ask me about mine, not for any like feedback

00:33:08.440 necessarily, but just to be there present, learn about each other. Um, going on walk, like, Hey,

00:33:13.380 let's go on a walk after dinner every night. We'll do that as a family. You can come up with a dozen

00:33:17.480 ideas on the fly. And then you present them to her. Hey, these are what I'm thinking about doing.

00:33:21.940 What else would you like to see? And then it's not so much her feeling like, Oh, I'm having to

00:33:26.380 put more work in and tell this idiot what I want when he should just know. Yeah. And I, I think 1.00

00:33:32.180 that conversation with her could be really valuable. I think another approach that you

00:33:36.240 could take, and I really do believe this is true for most guys is they work because at work,

00:33:42.260 they're respected they feel respected at work and they don't feel respected at home

00:33:47.860 and so they avoid coming home and and i'm not saying that right why so you can feel sorry for

00:33:54.860 yourself right and go oh yeah that's why i'm not giving you the excuse but what does being

00:34:00.460 respected at home look like for you what does that look like if you felt like your kids respect you

00:34:06.320 If it feels like, like, what's the ideal scenario look like for you?

00:34:11.240 And then reverse engineer that and say, okay, well, what kind of man would you need to show

00:34:15.200 up as to make that available?

00:34:18.060 How would you need to be treating your kids and your spouse and others for that to be

00:34:22.340 available to you?

00:34:23.360 And then start moving in that direction, enlisting them and asking them feedback.

00:34:28.040 But like, there's something you're, how's this?

00:34:31.140 Maybe think of it this way.

00:34:32.180 what would need to be present at home for me to be excited about coming home man i can't wait to

00:34:39.380 get off work at five why because i just want to get home okay what what would need what would

00:34:44.140 that picture have to look like for you to feel that way and make it start making it there's a

00:34:50.160 lot of power in that i think a lot of the times we we reverse the order right it's like well

00:34:55.880 she's not respecting me so i don't want to come home well maybe part of the reason she's not

00:35:01.300 respecting you is because you're hiding at work. Yeah. So who this, this goes back to what we were

00:35:06.780 saying earlier. Somebody needs to break here. Somebody needs to go first and it's you. It has

00:35:14.920 to be you because you can't control what she does. So if you want to be respected, then be

00:35:20.980 respectable, meaning show up present, show up engaged, cook dinner. Sometimes when you, when

00:35:30.200 you get home. Let her put her feet up. Let her tell you about her day. Take the kids to get ice 0.80

00:35:37.420 cream, go on the walks. Like those things will obviously build respect for you from the people

00:35:44.300 you care about most. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. All right. Trent Ashby. I lost my faith somewhere in

00:35:52.120 my thirties and I miss it. But going back to church feels fake. Where do I even start?

00:36:01.100 When you say I lost my faith, my first reaction is where did it go? Where'd you lose it?

00:36:07.480 Like why? What happened? Yeah. That'd be a good thing to actually ponder. Like,

00:36:12.300 did you have a bad experience at church? Did, did you read something that made you question?

00:36:18.680 did you have some sort of tragic circumstance that you didn't feel like God was there for you

00:36:24.160 or you don't feel you don't believe in repentance so you don't feel like you can be

00:36:28.720 repent you can't repent of something that God wouldn't forgive you maybe yeah yeah that's

00:36:34.460 another but I think if you if you it's like losing your keys right okay so I lost my keys

00:36:40.340 and I'm looking all over I gotta get in the truck what do I do when I lose my keys I started

00:36:45.860 thinking about okay wait when's the last time i had them oh yeah i went i was in the truck and i

00:36:52.640 went and got gas so i definitely had them then and i and i came inside so i had them then because i

00:36:58.920 had to open the house and then oh i went into the the bedroom and i uh changed into some shorts

00:37:06.320 oh they're in my jeans in the laundry basket and then you walk to where they are and you pull them

00:37:13.680 out of your genes and now you have your key it's the same thing so where where do you go to find

00:37:19.660 faith it's not you're not faking it he people have this this like imposter syndrome that you

00:37:27.360 hear a lot about and you might be bumping up against that a little bit too this imposter

00:37:31.780 syndrome but why why is it fake to want to learn something new that you don't know why does that

00:37:41.860 make you a fake why does it make you a fraud or a phony for you wanting to develop something that

00:37:50.060 you think will improve your life clearly you do you wouldn't be asking about if that weren't the

00:37:54.140 case imagine your son picking up and saying uh dad i want to learn how to play the guitar

00:38:00.000 and you're like cool yeah you should learn how to play and he picks it up and he doesn't know 0.98

00:38:05.360 the chords and it sounds horrible and you're like you're such a fake you're such an imposter 1.00

00:38:12.280 Look how dumb you are. 1.00

00:38:14.880 Doesn't that sound ridiculous? 1.00

00:38:16.920 We don't ever look at it in any context of any other aspect of life

00:38:20.260 where people want to improve, but we always put that on ourselves

00:38:23.100 because we have this expectation that we should just be an expert

00:38:28.400 at whatever the thing is.

00:38:29.620 And in this case, that you should already have your faith.

00:38:32.340 Why? You lost it somewhere.

00:38:34.140 You've got to go where you left it.

00:38:37.900 And that could be church.

00:38:39.360 that could be a men's bible study group in in town maybe maybe it's not church maybe you're

00:38:45.200 not ready to go to church yet but there's a group of guys who get together every saturday morning

00:38:48.760 and they read some uh some passages and they have breakfast together cool yeah plenty of online

00:38:55.540 groups that do that reading scriptures praying being around other people who are faithful there's

00:39:01.120 a lot of different ways to do this that might be more comfortable for you now but don't think it's

00:39:06.420 fake just because you don't have what you ultimately want. That's how you develop it.

00:39:11.440 Totally. You know, Trent, I'll, I'll share a story that, that aligns perfectly to this.

00:39:16.480 So I feel this way right now about jujitsu. Um, if I went to the gym and I will go to the gym

00:39:25.340 today, when I go to the gym, I'm not training as good as I used to. I'm a black belt. Everyone

00:39:34.460 knows. I have this badge that says I should know what I'm doing. And there is a good chance that

00:39:40.820 I might get on the mat today and get subbed by a purple belt. That's that's reality. And so I feel 0.92

00:39:49.920 like a fake. I literally I'm like, I'm almost feel like, hey, James, Johnny, you know, can I trade

00:39:55.820 this in for, you know, maybe a brown or purple right now until I get back on the path. But here's

00:40:02.140 the reality. I've been training roughly once a month, maybe for the last eight, 12 months,

00:40:09.400 and it's affected me. So I have a choice. Don't go to the gym. Because if I go to the gym,

00:40:16.880 I have to face the music of feeling like a fake. Or I can go, well, it is what it is.

00:40:24.320 I am not training as good as I used to. That's true. So how do I get out of it?

00:40:32.140 train by going to this gym. Yeah. Go back to the gym like I used to, right. And train and,

00:40:39.360 and realize, you know, it is what it is. And there's some power in it just to let it go and

00:40:44.000 go, you know what? Yeah. I have to get back on the path and it's going to take a little bit of while.

00:40:49.080 So it, you know, it's going to be embarrassing to go to church and feel like, you know, I'm,

00:40:54.780 i'm not aligned as much or i'm learning from from from the ground up yeah that's that might be true

00:41:04.060 so just accept it and and start getting in the reps well you know there's another thing here

00:41:10.940 too and i'm not exactly sure how he worded the question but he could also potentially be meaning

00:41:16.380 that it feels fake like church feels fake that's another angle that's a possibility yeah i mean i

00:41:22.220 don't know how he worded it but um if if that's the case we'll find a different church yeah i mean

00:41:30.960 i i remember years ago like we don't we're not all going to resonate with the same thing but i

00:41:35.440 remember years ago i left left my previous church and i found another church and as soon as i went

00:41:41.480 to that other church it was a baptist church i felt at home the pastor was great he was he was

00:41:46.900 masculine he said things with with confidence and conviction he didn't pull punches not only

00:41:52.500 spiritually but also societally and and the people were great and we had good friends that were there

00:41:58.080 and it felt amazing i felt something that i hadn't felt in years when i went there well okay that's

00:42:04.400 the spirit that means you're on the right track um and and jujitsu is the same like kip i'm sure

00:42:10.820 you've been to gyms whether you've trained there regularly or not where you're like i don't feel

00:42:15.180 it here i guess this doesn't feel right i don't jive maybe the instructor and i don't see it the

00:42:20.640 same way and so so find a different gym you know same thing with working out i think that often

00:42:27.840 people like well crossfit's the best no strength training no power lifting no that you can't say

00:42:34.200 it's unequivocally the best it might be the best for you and that's good but other people might

00:42:41.400 want to do something different. I used to do a lot of CrossFit. I don't, I don't like it as much

00:42:44.960 anymore. So I like strength training. I just enjoy it better. Is CrossFit good? Yeah. I know a lot of

00:42:51.280 people who've got really, really fit doing CrossFit. I have no problem with that. Same thing with

00:42:56.480 running. I don't want to run. Other people love it. Good. Go run then. Have fun. I'm doing something

00:43:02.340 else. Yep. All right. Isaiah Cole, this is kind of a fun question. I don't think we've ever had

00:43:08.220 this question he says okay the best piece of gear you never go on a backcountry trip without

00:43:14.660 so if you go backpacking and maybe even hunting hunting backcountry what's like maybe maybe more

00:43:21.840 than one maybe like you're yeah you're one two gear that's like man absolutely must have

00:43:27.560 so i'm thinking about this of like shelter water food right is what i'm thinking because that's

00:43:36.080 going to be the biggest danger so yeah from a shelter perspective uh maybe like maybe a knife

00:43:45.580 because that can serve a lot of different purposes so a knife i think would be at the top of the list

00:43:50.240 uh also i think i would also include the ability to start a fire yeah absolutely and i know you're

00:44:00.080 a bow drill guy kip and that's all fine and great but i had this funny experience um i did this

00:44:07.100 spartanagogi years uh yeah spartanagogi years ago and they gave us they gave us a packing list uh

00:44:13.860 and and it was very very detailed and very specific in fact there were two guys who didn't

00:44:18.400 pack what they said and they didn't even let them participate and they said and they said in the

00:44:24.360 thing it said bring a fire starting kit that's what it said that those were the words it said

00:44:30.680 so i'm like cool what am i gonna do so i bring like some kindling and i bring

00:44:34.940 the you know the flint and steel the magnesium rod or whatever and i brought a lighter

00:44:38.960 and i'm like i don't know like they'll probably they probably will take this lighter from me

00:44:44.300 but i brought a lighter because why wouldn't i so i get there and they're doing a shakedown

00:44:49.800 making sure they're checking everybody's thing and one of the instructors comes to me and he's

00:44:54.780 like all right spread your stuff out i spread it out he's like let me see your fire starting kit 0.98

00:44:58.320 he grabs my lighter he's like what's this i'm like it's a lighter he's like holy shit you're

00:45:05.860 one of two people out of a hundred that actually brought a lighter good job here you go

00:45:09.920 like we think that we have to make things harder because it counts more so yeah anyways um he's

00:45:17.960 like what's this propane tank and uh and heat rod you're like blow torch i'm like here's my fire

00:45:28.820 starting kit um so i'd bring that and then uh probably like a water filtration system i would

00:45:38.420 probably bring i think that'd be pretty important yeah i'm the same like all the i mean i think when

00:45:45.160 i hear shelter i think fire probably more more than shelter right because it's yeah elements how

00:45:50.820 to deal with elements yeah it's keeping yourself comfortable um yeah and a great knife and and

00:45:56.360 water filtering if we went with fun stuff right like not survivalist but just fun man you know

00:46:04.840 once i got like a high-end sleeping pad that you blow up i was like dude that's a game changer

00:46:12.500 i sleep so much better on those things they're awesome yeah that would be good um i mean just

00:46:21.660 something to entertain yourself with would probably be good like yeah but if you had to

00:46:27.040 bring one book you could only bring one book and you were in like this survival situation

00:46:31.040 or stranded on a desert island what what book would you bring and you can't say the bible okay

00:46:36.800 as a man thinketh i was thinking that too as a man thinketh or man's search for meaning was

00:46:44.680 another one that came to mind for me yeah yeah yeah something around mindset because you know

00:46:50.100 you'd be negative yeah you're gonna need it oh man oh you know what's really fun is uh carving

00:46:57.900 knives have you if you've seen a carving knife that's that's kind of um it's curved it's curved

00:47:03.860 oh yeah um dude i've taken the kids backpacking and we have one of those and we spent like the

00:47:11.120 whole day making spoons oh yeah like grabbing sticks and making wood and spoons and it's just

00:47:16.740 it's a really fun entertaining thing to do you could even make a bowl with those

00:47:20.620 if you got a big a big enough chunk of wood so i don't know it's fun even just even like

00:47:25.960 whittling like sitting sitting by a campfire and just whittling a branch that you found is always

00:47:31.440 fun too so yeah yeah there you go i would definitely be the one to answer the question

00:47:36.460 effectively though and um uh is you you definitely want to bring a montana knife company knife i'm

00:47:42.760 just going to throw that out there a little shameless plug for montana knife company and

00:47:45.820 make sure you use the code order of man when you get that knife that you're going to bring on your

00:47:49.320 on your trip yep and share porch uh share pictures and tag there you go tag montana knife tag us and

00:47:57.200 we'll make sure we share them if you have internet service oh maybe that'd be a good thing to bring

00:48:00.620 a cell phone there you go actually uh you know what i started packing is uh smoke flares boat

00:48:09.360 flares oh yeah yeah after that guy in idaho or in moab got trapped in that canyon and he had to

00:48:17.720 yeah cut his own arm off his arm if he had a smoke flare he would have been good yeah that's a good

00:48:23.800 point yeah so i actually carry a smoke flare everywhere i go ever since that happened

00:48:27.940 you also got me one year this like really cool battery pack um like high powered battery brick

00:48:35.740 bro that thing is awesome i take that hour on trips yeah oh yeah it's crazy so i take that when

00:48:43.520 i go on trip like it's that's another cool thing to have so anyways yeah we beat that one up all

00:48:49.540 right grant uh pelletier i relapsed on alcohol after two years of being sober and i haven't told

00:48:57.120 my wife yet. I'm terrified of what happens when I do. Any advice from your own experience with this?

00:49:06.080 Well, I mean, I, I'm trying to be sensitive to, well, she, she probably already knows.

00:49:13.740 Like if, if you had one drink, that's one thing, right? Like you went to the bar after work and

00:49:19.880 had a drink. Okay. Maybe not, but you're saying you relapsed, like you're just drinking regularly

00:49:25.340 again. And she, she probably already knows, or at least know something's up or off for you.

00:49:33.120 Um, I don't really, I don't know what you think about this kid, but I'm sure other people

00:49:38.440 will think differently. I don't really think that's a secret that you should keep from her

00:49:42.340 because, um, well, you're deceiving her number one and number two, it's affecting your relationship

00:49:50.460 negatively just by the fact of you saying, Hey, I don't know if I should tell her means that you

00:49:56.200 have some guilt around it and shame. Um, I might, if, if you do decide to tell her, which is what

00:50:04.320 I would advocate for, I think she'd probably want to help you. Like, I think she might already know.

00:50:11.700 And if you admit, and you talk about that, she would probably want to help you. She wants the

00:50:15.840 best for you but I would also come with a plan I don't think I would ever recommend somebody just

00:50:23.960 wing something like that whether it's pornography or alcohol abuse or something else I don't think

00:50:31.220 I would just go say hey I'm having this struggle and I just want to let you know that's that's not

00:50:37.020 how I would approach that it would be hey you know I know you know that alcohol has been a big

00:50:43.480 temptation of mine and I've had bouts with it and I've been sober. Um, but I did want to tell

00:50:49.560 you because it's fair to you and I want to fix it that I've had, I I've, I've succumbed to the

00:50:56.640 temptation and I've already found an AA meeting in, in town. It's every Tuesday at Tuesday night

00:51:05.440 at seven o'clock and I, and I'm enrolled. I already talked with, with the guy, so I'm enrolled.

00:51:10.120 and I've gotten rid of all the alcohol

00:51:14.340 and I even know where my biggest temptations are

00:51:17.420 so I've made a commitment not to go even near those stores

00:51:20.360 as I'm trying to get back on the train

00:51:21.920 and I just wanted to tell you that this is my plan

00:51:25.380 and I'm sorry

00:51:27.980 and I'm going to work hard to fix this

00:51:30.880 because it's important for you and me and the family

00:51:33.140 that's how I would do it

00:51:34.880 yeah I think it's spot on

00:51:37.340 I mean what's the alternative

00:51:39.900 and is she probably going to be frustrated? Yeah. But what's worse for her not to trust you.

00:51:46.360 I mean, that, that gets real rough real quick, right? Where, I mean, there's one, one element

00:51:53.180 of a man, you make me frustrated. There's another element of, I don't know what I'm getting with you.

00:51:58.840 I don't know if you're even being honest with me. And the minute you're really dishonest in

00:52:04.100 something like this, she's going to start questioning other areas where you're dishonest.

00:52:07.640 Right. And so I think the outcome of that's going to be way worse than her possibly getting upset.

00:52:13.460 And I think what you said, Ryan, is spot on is like because what we're what we're doing, not from a manipulative perspective.

00:52:21.560 Right. You want to plan why? Because you should. But when you come to the table with the plan, you're telling me that you realize how serious it is.

00:52:30.760 You've thought it out and you've come up with an action plan.

00:52:34.820 But if you come to me and you're like, Oh, I messed up again. Then it's like, well, do you even care? Is this really that serious to you? Right? Because if it was, what would you do? You'd come up with a plan and, and how, and how you're going to address it and everything else. And so that, that gives her some belief in you that your mind is in the space that this is important. Right? So it's twofold. And, and I, and spot on, right?

00:53:02.660 obviously you're addressing it at least you're addressing it most guys would you know some guys

00:53:07.400 would say well i don't have a problem you know it's or it's no big deal i i and make an excuse

00:53:11.820 for the relapse like well i thought i was an alcoholic but maybe i'm not you know and and

00:53:16.920 play it out so at least you're dealing in that space of trying to understand yourself

00:53:21.120 i i would get to identifying why you relapsed and how do you mitigate that because that's

00:53:28.520 obviously a known risk, right? Whatever the circumstance or the situation was.

00:53:34.140 Well, and the other thing too, is she's going to find out if she doesn't know,

00:53:38.520 she's going to find out of time. You, I mean, you, you smell like alcohol. Um, 0.98

00:53:44.720 she's going to find a beer can in the garbage can or in your truck or what,

00:53:48.480 heaven forbid, but some way she's going to, she's going to find out. Yeah.

00:53:52.760 And if it's in two months or two years, 0.98

00:53:55.660 that's that's going to be an issue when it it will it will come up she will find out

00:54:01.340 and i think she probably already knows if i had to guess yeah yeah absolutely um one more question

00:54:08.560 ryan yeah let's do it one more all right um owen whitfield my son is 14 and pulling away

00:54:15.360 one word answers locked doors the whole thing is that just normal teenage stuff or should i be more

00:54:22.940 worried well we had one like this last week a guy or a week ago a couple weeks ago where a guy

00:54:30.320 felt like he was losing his son um yeah one word answers for a 14 year old is like i'll i'll send

00:54:38.040 my my 14 year old attack a 15 year old now excuse me 15 year old a text and i'll be like hey i love

00:54:44.260 you bud cool okay like or just worse give me a thumbs up i'm like good thanks appreciate that

00:54:52.640 so i think that's i think that's normal the locked doors thing i i wouldn't allow that in

00:54:58.580 my house like and we're gonna have some conversations about that like you can still

00:55:04.180 have rules without worrying about pushing him away but you might also ask like hey why is your

00:55:10.160 door locked or and maybe he just wants privacy you know that could be a real possibility it's like

00:55:18.160 okay well let's have a conversation about that bud how can you get the privacy you need

00:55:22.860 but within the constraints of our rules here at the house and here's why we have those rules

00:55:28.160 because we're here to protect you as your parents so yeah the one word answer thing I think is

00:55:34.240 completely normal the pulling away I think is completely normal the locked doors thing no not

00:55:40.200 here the other thing that I try to do is I try to make this a really cool place for all the kids to

00:55:45.160 come over, not just my kids, but their friends. Yep. So even though my older children, I'm not

00:55:52.700 as cool anymore to them, they still come over and I know all their friends. I I'll get them all

00:55:58.600 pizza. Um, they'll be watching the game. Like I just want them to be here. So even though I might

00:56:05.460 not be directly conversing with them, I can see who their friends are and I can see kind of their

00:56:10.440 behaviors. And I know, okay, that, that kid, I don't like that kid, that kid. I do like that

00:56:15.080 kid. And you can start to get a bearing a little bit more into his life. So I, without much more

00:56:20.920 context, I would say a lot of what you're saying sounds like normal behavior, but you might just

00:56:24.900 need to institute a few little rules that, uh, keep him more safe. I think. Yeah. And I'm not

00:56:31.680 saying this for Owen, but I don't know. I just feel like it needs to be said for everyone else

00:56:36.920 listening, uh, be careful with, uh, well, it's normal. Every, every kid kind of BS answer. I

00:56:45.260 hate that stuff. I really do. Like it kind of triggers me maybe too much. Um, cause I, I hear

00:56:51.440 it in corporate America. It's like, well, you know, when you grow this, what happens? I'm like,

00:56:55.980 it doesn't have to, maybe we don't want it to, maybe we don't choose to lose our culture. If

00:57:01.500 we get over 250 employees, maybe that, maybe, maybe we figure out how to do it better than

00:57:07.120 everybody else. Right. And so, you know, just be, be careful maybe. And even realize it. Like I,

00:57:13.420 even, even the, uh, just a typical teenager thing has like this box is black box mentality of it.

00:57:19.860 And it's like, no, it's not a typical teenager thing. What's happening. Ah, my kid is learning

00:57:26.100 independence they want more autonomy in their choices ah that's a good thing i want that for

00:57:33.420 them okay how do i give them that while also keeping them safe while also maintaining some

00:57:39.980 order in the household all at the same time but but be careful with the with the norms because

00:57:45.960 that's how we all ended up giving kids that are too young smartphones because it was normal and

00:57:51.940 and now we're all trying to figure out how to pull them back somehow.

00:57:56.840 And we never should have gave it to him in the first place.

00:58:00.400 I think that's actually, okay. So that's actually a really good point.

00:58:03.500 Maybe instead of thinking about like, is he pulling away?

00:58:06.920 Maybe start thinking about to what you just said, how,

00:58:10.120 how is he pulling away and it is a healthy thing.

00:58:12.660 So it's natural for a 14 year old kid to want to hang out with his friends

00:58:17.940 more. Would you be calling that pulling away?

00:58:19.900 Or is that him being social?

00:58:21.940 which is a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's natural for them to, especially boys take a few

00:58:29.640 more risks because now they've got that testosterone pumping through their veins. And so

00:58:33.640 are they being reckless or are they taking calculated risks that might have some sort of

00:58:39.660 payoff and good? And you know, that's a healthy way. Yeah. And you know, this, what happens if

00:58:45.560 I just say no risk whatsoever.

00:58:48.900 That's a problem because I labeled risk as bad.

00:58:52.400 So now I need a foster risk, right?

00:58:56.320 And how do I do it in a way that promotes it instead of just demonizing it? 1.00

00:59:01.380 Same thing with, with young ladies.

00:59:03.480 It's like, well, he wants to spend time with this girl.

00:59:06.460 Yeah, good.

00:59:08.460 That's a good thing.

00:59:10.180 I, I, I like that.

00:59:12.020 My sons like girls.

00:59:13.160 I'm glad they like girls and I want them to be able to have healthy relationships with girls,

00:59:18.720 but they're not going to come over and close the door and be in the room alone with a girl.

00:59:24.660 That's not going to happen. But can they go on a date? Can I take them to the mall and drive them

00:59:31.160 there? Can they come over and have dinner? Well, I'm yes. All of those things. So I think I'm to

00:59:37.300 your point, I think pulling away is it is normal. I think it's normal. It's just a matter of how are

00:59:44.780 they expressing that and is it healthy or not healthy? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

00:59:52.140 All right. I mean, yeah, absolutely. And our call to action is, is pretty much just,

00:59:57.600 um, join the war room, right? Where, where we're trying to provide value to you guys,

01:00:02.640 be part of a conversation. You don't have to be a member of the iron council to join those. Those

01:00:06.560 are open to the public. So to register and sign up, go to order of man.com slash war room to join

01:00:13.520 us in September. Cool. Guys, we'd love to see you on that call September 9th. And we'll also be back

01:00:21.800 on Friday for your Friday field notes until then go out there, take action and become the man you

01:00:26.640 are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge

01:00:32.300 of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order

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Order of Man - August 26, 2026

First-Time Fatherhood, Protecting Your Peace, and Finding Your Faith ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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