Order of Man - November 04, 2026


Why Your Relationships Need More Leadership and Less Control ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

JASON KHALIPA ｜ Touch Grass and Train Hard

Episode Stats


Length

43 minutes

Words per minute

179.37

Word count

7,722

Sentence count

354

Harmful content

Misogyny

2

sentences flagged

Toxicity

18

sentences flagged

Hate speech

9

sentences flagged


Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 The best way to have a healthy relationship with your past is to always figure out the lessons from it.
00:00:05.960 Once you figure out the lessons, now you have a healthy relationship for it.
00:00:10.100 You should be growing into the person that you want to be so much that you're like,
00:00:15.220 man, I am grateful I spent my 20s doing what I did.
00:00:18.860 Why? Because it helped forge the man you are today.
00:00:23.640 All right, Sean, how's it going, man?
00:00:26.320 It's you and I.
00:00:27.420 it's been a bit probably i don't know maybe a couple months every couple months we get a chance
00:00:33.000 to record the ama together yeah it's great to be here with you as always yeah i just love that
00:00:39.160 you're taking a break from uh from hunting to actually drop in and do a quick recording and
00:00:44.240 then i'm assuming you're going back out or it'll be too late for you to to hunt this morning it
00:00:49.400 just depends it's the kind of pre-ret so you know it's any day now where it kicks in and they get 0.93
00:00:54.960 stupider right now they're still smart so they're they literally i'm right over one this morning
00:01:01.620 at uh you know and then 10 minutes before shooting light he bounces out so it's been that way all 0.99
00:01:08.580 week but it's pre-rut so they're about to rut and uh then they should start walking around more
00:01:15.400 mid-morning i've always appreciate that about hunting that uh that we choose to hunt the 0.99
00:01:21.700 bucks when they're when they're stupid when when they're so retarded and we totally exploit them 0.99
00:01:28.580 and kill them when they're just so sexually active that they can't think straight i mean it's it's 1.00
00:01:34.380 actually a great strategy oh yeah same with elk right it's uh yeah it's funny i had a i had a 0.99
00:01:42.840 lady telling me like how mean that was and uh and i was like you say that until you see how mean
00:01:50.280 those elk are to their cows, you know, when you get out there in them and, and, uh, you know,
00:01:56.360 then you don't feel so bad. Yeah. I I'm sure smarter men than me probably have some really
00:02:03.580 strong correlation and evidence between the stupidity of man, um, in the event that, uh, 0.99
00:02:10.340 we haven't gotten any, uh, action lately either. And we're just as retarded as elk and elk and 1.00
00:02:15.920 year so for sure at every age right yeah totally oh man i mean there's a reason why we have phrase 0.66
00:02:24.560 i mean i probably even shouldn't be saying these things some of the phrases of you know well let
00:02:28.940 me i test you right have you ever heard someone say before you go to vegas they say they say a
00:02:34.340 phrase do you know what i'm talking about yeah what happens in vegas stays in vegas that one
00:02:39.080 no no no before you go to vegas yeah like never go to vegas in a with a loaded gun or
00:02:45.480 yeah yeah i digress i digress all right we only have roughly about 40 minutes or so
00:02:55.440 um so let's let's i jump right into it is that cool and i'll ask these questions we got some
00:03:01.580 good ones man so hopefully we can drop some knowledge for you guys today uh while ryan's
00:03:06.080 out. I think Ryan's out hunting. Um, I don't know what his excuse is when you can, you know,
00:03:11.060 drop in and do a podcast, but, uh, Alan, uh, Brian's out hunting this week. Uh, and, uh, he'll
00:03:16.580 be back for next week's AMA. So, all right, Jake Morrison, I just got promoted to supervisor over
00:03:23.160 a crew of eight guys that he worked with besides for, or for over five years, a couple of them
00:03:30.380 have already started testing him by showing up late, ignoring small instructions and joking
00:03:36.260 that I've gone corporate. I don't want to come in heavy handed and lose the relationship. But I also
00:03:42.200 know if I let this slide, I'll never get control back. How do I establish real authority without
00:03:48.460 becoming the guy everyone resents? You got to take them aside individually and have a conversation,
00:03:56.660 especially if you have a pre-existing relationship it shouldn't actually be that difficult um but
00:04:03.780 you a mistake would be to do it in front of everybody um and try to like stamp your authority
00:04:11.440 you know i think a lot of guys make that mistake when they're when they're given a promotion and
00:04:17.080 all of a sudden they come in hot on certain things and you know guys that were their quote
00:04:22.340 unquote buddies before. That's where you get the resentment. And then if you go in one-on-one,
00:04:28.980 you can have a conversation like a friend and be like, hey, look, dude, you're putting me in a
00:04:33.300 difficult situation. Now I have to answer to our boss and it all lands on me and you guys are
00:04:42.420 giving me a hard time, but it needs to get done the correct way. And I can't let that slide.
00:04:49.560 I don't want to have to do anything to you guys because you're my friends, but I want you to understand the situation I am in and I hope you get a promotion.
00:05:01.560 I hope down the road, this, the same is in store for you.
00:05:05.620 And I also hope that you'll have a conversation with somebody like this because there's a lot of different ways I could go about this, you know, and become more corporate, but you know, I'm not that guy.
00:05:19.380 And so I want to have more of a one-on-one with you
00:05:23.160 and see if you can help me out here
00:05:24.640 with the rest of the guys.
00:05:26.740 And do that with all of them.
00:05:28.720 So do it like you're just doing it with them
00:05:30.640 and do it with everybody.
00:05:32.320 And in that conversation,
00:05:34.220 also make sure you tell them what they're doing right
00:05:37.360 and what you appreciate about them and how they work.
00:05:40.700 It's got to be honest.
00:05:41.740 It's got to be sincere.
00:05:43.280 Find the things that they do well
00:05:45.180 and make sure you have the conversation with them about
00:05:48.840 them doing that well, and that you notice it, and that corporate notices it, but also,
00:05:55.580 you know, this is what we need to get done now, you know, and so spend the time to have those
00:06:01.760 conversations, you know, whether it's bringing, if you have to bring them into your office,
00:06:08.420 or, you know, whatever it is in the setting where you guys work, or if it's just like,
00:06:13.560 you know, you're sitting in your truck, and you're like, hey, dude, can you step in real quick? I want
00:06:17.180 talk to you about something, you know, or do it that way. Um, you know, which I think is easy to
00:06:23.420 find, but that'd be my recommendation. What do you think? Dude, I think it's solid, solid advice.
00:06:28.560 Once again, from Sean, Mike drop, we're done. We need five minutes. That's it. We don't need the
00:06:34.440 whole 45. All right. So no, that was great, man. The only thing I'd add is, you know, let me share
00:06:41.060 it this way through a story. I was so lucky that this happened to me once. So, so I got hired on,
00:06:46.240 i sold my company i got hired on um part of the purchase was is that come on and lead a team
00:06:52.600 for the company who bought me no joke the owner didn't communicate with the team that i was going
00:06:58.840 to be their director oh that had to be so weird so so luckily i didn't come in heavy-handed so no 0.87
00:07:07.840 one like they weren't like you know they weren't like who's this jerk that thinks he's our boss
00:07:12.800 I just showed up and I was just like in the trenches with the dude with the guys and I found
00:07:18.460 out probably about a weekend that they hadn't been told yet so I ran with it I'm like actually
00:07:26.260 this is kind of perfect and so then I just got in the trenches and I just did what I did
00:07:31.900 and my focus wasn't authority my focus was how do I help this team win
00:07:37.640 and i just focus on helping the team win and then i dropped it maybe probably like a week or two
00:07:44.820 later that i was actually coming in as the director and it went really well why because 0.95
00:07:50.960 they knew that i wasn't going to be a corporate authoritative asshole they went oh dude awesome 0.89
00:07:59.120 we love this guy he's nice he's helping us out that's the beautiful part about leadership too 0.95
00:08:05.660 that that i don't you know and i know that's not necessarily part of the question for jake but jake
00:08:10.280 you might be thinking that you need authority no no you need influence anybody can you this is a
00:08:19.120 perfect example anyone can get authority jake someone gave you authority and look at you it's
00:08:23.600 not going your way what's your natural instinct oh where's my stick i don't want to be the corporate
00:08:28.120 guy, dude, you never need that stick if you lead. So never go the authority route, go influence.
00:08:36.540 And how do you go influence? It's right to what you said, Sean, make sure that team knows that
00:08:42.700 you're there to help them win. You don't have to be the smartest person. You don't have to have
00:08:47.600 all the perfect answers, all of that. Like you don't need to know any of those things.
00:08:52.340 What you need to know or what they need to know is that you're there and you're dedicated to help
00:08:58.100 them all be successful as a team as individuals once they know that's true you have trust and you
00:09:04.700 have relational influence and they'll listen to you why because it's genuine and the intent they
00:09:11.120 can trust and it's not a corporate thing it's not a tip for tad it's not control so i would just add
00:09:17.620 that to the to the recommendation from you yeah and that's where the the pointing out what they're
00:09:23.060 good at comes into play too because if you point out hey this is like you're special this is what
00:09:27.620 you're good at, I'm going to need your help in that area. I'm going to need your help there
00:09:31.640 getting that part done. Can I count on you? And when you have that one-on-one of can I count on
00:09:37.760 you, now they have accountability to it. It's not just, you know, you coming down on the team or
00:09:43.360 whatever else. It's funny. I was doing a training last night for my business and I was telling them
00:09:48.260 that the topic of my training was what a leader does not, you know, and it's all the don't do's
00:09:56.800 from a leadership perspective. And one of them was never use fear and intimidation,
00:10:01.520 which is most corporate strategies. It's like, Hey, I'm going to dock your pay. I'm going to
00:10:06.800 write you up. I'm going to, you know, whatever it is. Um, it, and that's the worst possible
00:10:12.940 thing you could do. Totally. Totally. And, and it's the worst is because, and here's the funny
00:10:17.880 part. It works. It'll work in the short term, short term damage. Yeah. The damage on the backside
00:10:24.180 of that is just going to make things worse i mean imagine if jake in this example came in heavy
00:10:29.140 handed would the guys shape up a little bit yeah they would but they would all resent you jake
00:10:34.680 behind your back and trust would erode they would reduce their effort to just to match the bare
00:10:40.620 minimum and they would put up with you dude that's not a team right like that's a crappy work
00:10:47.700 environment right uh and and that's what authority gives you right when you when you use i shouldn't
00:10:53.800 say authority, but when you use fear and write some of those dirtier tactics of leadership.
00:10:59.600 All right, let's move to Marcus. Marcus Whitfield, my wife and I have been married 12 years.
00:11:04.500 Nothing's wrong. Exactly. We've never heard this before. We don't fight. We're good parents. We
00:11:09.760 handle the bills, but it feels like the roommates, like we're roommates running business,
00:11:14.660 roommates running a business together. I miss when we actually liked each other. How do I take
00:11:19.720 the the lead in getting us back to something we both excited about without it feeling forced or
00:11:27.380 awkward it's well first of all if you're trying to let's call it spice up your relationship again
00:11:37.920 um or or spark the relationship to make it a little more um exciting and fun and and less
00:11:46.580 of a job again, I'd want you to know up front, it's going to feel awkward at first. So let's
00:11:53.140 get that out of your, yeah, let's get that out of your brain that you're not going to have that
00:11:57.360 feeling up front because when you start anything different, it's going to be awkward, right? It's
00:12:02.720 if you've gotten into a routine and everything else, and you're going to have to have a conversation
00:12:08.180 about it, which is going to be awkward too, right? So I just wanted to preface it with that.
00:12:14.600 get awkward. Yeah. Get, be willing to, to have it be awkward, at least up front. Um, but have
00:12:23.060 the conversation of planning in things that are fun for you guys that aren't necessarily,
00:12:27.840 you know, just involving the kids and your jobs and your routine. Um, something as simple as date
00:12:34.160 nights, uh, as going out and doing things that you guys enjoy, maybe new things that you don't
00:12:39.620 know if you enjoy yet. Kind of like when you do, when you're dating, you go out and you do stuff
00:12:43.520 and you're kind of feeling out what each other likes.
00:12:47.860 You know, spending the time of finding things
00:12:49.900 that she really enjoys to do that you maybe don't
00:12:52.880 and setting up times to go do those things.
00:12:56.560 Little getaways, I would say once a quarter,
00:12:59.980 like little mini honeymoons
00:13:01.640 where you go to, you know, someplace nice.
00:13:04.820 It doesn't have to be a lot of money or anything else,
00:13:06.820 but just different.
00:13:07.760 I mean, literally you could go camping or something.
00:13:10.420 You know, every couple is different, right? 0.87
00:13:12.460 My wife likes to go to places that have a nice spa.
00:13:15.020 She doesn't care where it is as long as there's a nice spa there and I could, we could go 0.90
00:13:18.660 there for two, three days and holy smokes, man, it's the best, you know, and then make
00:13:22.940 that, um, intimate and, and, and fun, you know, so it's so that you, you just, you keep 0.97
00:13:33.120 that spiciness and be willing to have those conversations, um, you know, and even, and 0.98
00:13:41.100 this, this might come out awkward for you, but even sexual conversations of like, hey, 0.95
00:13:48.220 if that feels routine of like, hey, what might be interesting to you? You know, is there anything
00:13:54.000 that you want to change up or try? Or I think too many couples are not willing to have those 1.00
00:13:59.400 conversations because they're, maybe they're already like, it's, you enjoy it. You know,
00:14:05.020 you enjoy it. So you don't think of having the conversation and, but maybe it's like, hey,
00:14:09.480 Do you want to try something? Do you want me to do this? And that's awkward. But when you open that conversation and make it okay, it gets less awkward. But then you also start enjoying each other more and you get that spark back.
00:14:26.580 I mean, my wife and I, we're about to have our 25th wedding anniversary and, you know, we're in that mode and having those conversations and we've been doing it for, you know, probably the last four or five years more than we ever have.
00:14:46.880 and um and it's it's not boring it's not routine it's not you know those things because we're
00:14:55.240 we're willing to have those conversations but when we first started it it was a little awkward
00:15:00.140 you know um so that's a couple things i have there for that i would say how do you approach
00:15:08.600 the conversation sean like would you know yeah what recommendation do you have for marcus of
00:15:14.300 kicking this conversation off with the, with the wife, right? Would you, would you go about
00:15:18.800 saying, Hey, you know, this marriage has been boring. Do you have ideas or does this, I would
00:15:26.000 just, I would just book it like, like get a babysitter for the kids and whatever, and book
00:15:32.000 a place to go. Just start with like an overnighter, um, you know, where you get a babysitter and maybe
00:15:37.740 you have in-laws or somebody, I don't know who you have, you know, everybody's different there
00:15:42.180 too that was always hard for us getting babysitters and and uh figuring that out but if you can plan
00:15:48.720 like a little overnighter and when you have it just be like hey i just i want to do more stuff
00:15:54.000 like this i want to start you know let's get back to dating each other again um and uh because by
00:16:01.560 the way everything you're saying is normal you know and so so you don't want to come off of
00:16:07.480 of like we're boring yeah it's because that's everybody we're human nature is like we
00:16:14.180 like routine most of us don't like change most you know it's like we like to feel secure and
00:16:20.880 there's kind of like safety and in uh in knowing what's going to happen but simultaneously it's
00:16:28.060 you know in an in a relationship you want it to feel new and exciting sometimes and um
00:16:35.900 And, you know, it's amazing what just going on a date can do and make you feel like you did when you were dating again.
00:16:43.760 It's just it's one of those things that married couples slip into is not going on dates, not getting time away from your normal environment and the kids and and the running them around and all the stuff that comes with that.
00:16:59.860 And so just to break away from that is you'd be amazed at how much that does.
00:17:05.900 for feeling fresh again. Yeah. That's a good point. You know, and Marcus, you said something
00:17:11.580 in the question that I'm like, do not repeat this part. And it is, I miss when we actually
00:17:16.200 liked each other. Keep that shit to yourself. That's like, yeah, never, ever say that. 1.00
00:17:21.400 Hey, could we get back to where I actually liked you? Don't say that.
00:17:27.700 Oh man. All right. Tyler Brennan. I'm 34 and I spent most of my twenties partying,
00:17:34.440 bouncing between jobs avoiding anything hard now i look at guys my age who have built careers
00:17:40.220 families and savings and i feel like i'm a decade behind some days the regret is paralyzing how do
00:17:47.640 i stop looking back and start making real progress with the time i have left how old did he say yes
00:17:54.940 now? Uh, 34. 34. Dude, you're only 34. I wouldn't mind being 34 again. I know. Yeah. It's like,
00:18:09.620 Tyler, you need to ask younger guys this question because those older guys are like, dude, 34 is
00:18:14.180 young. I know. Well, and it's funny too. Like I always think from a perspective of business,
00:18:20.840 which I'm sure you do as well.
00:18:22.520 And it's like, anytime I hear someone like this,
00:18:25.780 I think of the Colonel Sanders story, right?
00:18:27.660 Colonel Sanders was like 67
00:18:29.340 when he started Kentucky Fried Chicken
00:18:31.600 or something like that.
00:18:34.560 It never is too late.
00:18:38.200 And I commend you for figuring that out at 34.
00:18:45.980 I mean, my business is,
00:18:47.740 I'm helping people plan their retirements, right?
00:18:50.380 That's for the most part.
00:18:51.540 That's mostly what I do and build businesses to help people do that.
00:18:57.840 And so between those two things, I mean, most people when they're 54, you know, haven't
00:19:05.220 really started, you know, thinking about the future like you're talking about right now.
00:19:10.700 It might look like these other guys have it figured out and everything else, but trust
00:19:15.960 me, you know, most people don't.
00:19:17.700 And so the fact that you're thinking this way, you've already overcome the biggest hurdle.
00:19:24.480 And so I want to commend you for that.
00:19:27.680 Now, that being said, just go do it.
00:19:32.800 Who cares what you did in the past?
00:19:34.700 Look at that as good memories, good times.
00:19:38.840 I mean, that was the reason that you did it, right?
00:19:40.980 Is because you wanted to have a good time.
00:19:43.300 So why feel guilty for that?
00:19:45.360 That was your choice.
00:19:46.260 you already made that choice you know you you you made your bed so sleep in it and uh now what can
00:19:53.900 you control and so now all you can do is figure out what's the type of man i want to be now and
00:20:01.440 if it like it sounds like you want to be a high performer you want to be responsible you want to
00:20:06.660 save money you want to you know start building a future and a nest egg and net worth is what i'm
00:20:12.800 assuming, right, and stability, then start putting yourself in environments and start
00:20:19.060 reading books and going to seminars and doing things that are going to give you the best
00:20:24.620 chance to be that man.
00:20:26.600 And I don't care if we're talking spiritually or from a family standpoint or, you know,
00:20:32.040 as a business person or in, you know, whatever your workspace is, but start enveloping yourself
00:20:39.860 in what's going to help you grow in those things.
00:20:45.500 And you'd be amazed if you focus on that.
00:20:49.540 Like what you did in the past
00:20:51.200 is just going to be a part of your story
00:20:52.860 that you're going to be excited to tell
00:20:54.600 down the road when you're successful.
00:20:57.680 And instead of dwelling on it,
00:20:59.600 if you just dwell on it, though,
00:21:01.420 then you're going to turn into Al Bundy.
00:21:03.440 Then you're going to turn into Uncle Rico, right?
00:21:06.040 And that's the worst thing that could happen.
00:21:09.140 So I'd just say, you know, find the stuff that's going to help you be successful in that vision that you have for yourself and like take the first, just start moving forward in that.
00:21:21.700 Yeah.
00:21:22.420 You know, as humans, we have this amazing ability to project, to project what could be, right?
00:21:30.160 It's a form of creation.
00:21:32.340 That same ability, when we throw it on the past, is so damaging.
00:21:36.920 and you think about this is so crazy oh i spent my time my my 20s doing this i shouldn't have
00:21:43.120 says who and who didn't by the way yeah and and what what book are you going off of of that says
00:21:51.060 you should have and you shouldn't have it's not even a thing like isn't that interesting that is
00:21:57.720 not a thing of what i should have or shouldn't have done that doesn't even exist that's a
00:22:02.840 construct of your mind there is what happened period and sometimes we get so wrapped up with
00:22:10.720 this hindsight of looking back at our past of what it should have been we'll get it's a waste of time
00:22:16.340 it's impossible they're just what is what happened now here's the beautiful part about it
00:22:23.320 it's what are you going to do about it and what did you learn from it the best way the best way
00:22:31.700 to have a healthy relationship with your past
00:22:33.580 is to always figure out the lessons from it.
00:22:37.180 Once you figure out the lessons,
00:22:39.360 now you have a healthy relationship for it.
00:22:41.400 In fact, Tyler, you should be growing
00:22:43.860 into the person that you wanna be so much
00:22:46.680 that you're like, man, I am grateful
00:22:49.780 I spent my 20s doing what I did.
00:22:51.960 Why?
00:22:52.360 Because it helped forge the man you are today.
00:22:55.960 That is how life works.
00:22:57.460 In fact, Tyler, you probably wouldn't even be focused
00:23:00.800 on the things that you're focused on right now
00:23:02.940 if it wasn't for you partying in your 20s.
00:23:06.600 So look back at your 20s and say,
00:23:08.320 hey, I'm grateful for all those mistakes.
00:23:10.500 I'm grateful for those shortcomings.
00:23:12.520 I'm grateful for the experiences.
00:23:14.200 Why?
00:23:14.920 Because they help forge who you are right now.
00:23:17.780 And to think that you're something right now
00:23:19.800 without the experiences of your past is naive.
00:23:23.480 You are who you are right now because of the experiences.
00:23:27.020 So if you like where you're pivoting,
00:23:29.480 if you like where you're going,
00:23:30.500 give credit to your past for helping forge that. That's how that works. And so don't look at it as
00:23:37.520 this other thing. Look at it as the path that got you to where you are. And if you don't like where
00:23:43.680 you are, keep forging the path and then you'll end up having a better relationship with the past
00:23:48.300 anyway. You know, I, I always give gratitude to what you just spoke about in my own life,
00:23:57.680 because I was really lucky.
00:24:00.140 I started getting my act together at 22.
00:24:02.500 It's when I started my business.
00:24:04.280 But I went hard in my late teens, early 20s.
00:24:08.160 And I'm so grateful for that time, Kip,
00:24:10.600 like to what you just said,
00:24:12.800 because I look and I say,
00:24:14.340 man, I'm so glad that I had that experience 0.97
00:24:17.500 and I went nuts and I'd slutted around 0.98
00:24:20.140 and I did all the stuff that I did, right? 0.98
00:24:21.860 Because I got it out of my system.
00:24:25.260 So I never have in the back of my head like,
00:24:27.260 ooh, what if I would have partied a little more?
00:24:30.140 What if I would have done this?
00:24:31.940 Yeah, like, man, that was crazy, right?
00:24:35.260 I could look back on it.
00:24:36.540 But then also know that ultimately,
00:24:38.920 when it comes to my happiness, my fulfillment,
00:24:42.040 the things that I really want out of my life,
00:24:44.620 because I had that experience, I know that's not it.
00:24:48.120 And so it's like a lot of time,
00:24:52.080 there's, you know, men and women,
00:24:54.120 It's a big part of why, you know, you're seeing divorce rates and all this stuff be a little higher is they have this what if, you know, in the back of their head of things they didn't experience or they didn't try or they whatever.
00:25:07.040 And then that leads them into, you know, kind of destroying their future lives because they, you know, never tried it when they were younger.
00:25:15.560 And so if you're at the point where you, you know, can look back on that, like, man, I went hard.
00:25:21.140 I'm probably shouldn't have done that. That's good. You know, that's a strength that you have
00:25:26.480 moving forward because you're not going to be pulled back in that direction because you know
00:25:31.860 where that life leads already. I think it's an advantage. Yeah. You can grab multiple people
00:25:38.880 that have the same paths. Like you could grab siblings that had the same rough childhood.
00:25:44.880 One sibling is killing it. The other sibling is crumbling. Why? How they look back at their past.
00:25:51.140 that's the difference. One is probably growing and learning from it. The other one is still a
00:25:55.680 victim of it. So stop being a victim of your past, learn and grow from it. And then, and then you'll
00:26:01.380 be stepping into a more intentional space, right? Moving forward. All right. Dan Kolowski, my 15
00:26:08.240 year old son used to follow me everywhere. Now we, he barely talks to me. Every time I try to have a
00:26:13.740 conversation, he gives me one word answers and he disappears into his room. I've tried taking him
00:26:18.580 fishing asking about school even sitting with him while he games nothing works what am i doing wrong
00:26:24.940 how do i reach him before it's too late dude welcome to 15 you know it's like it's been
00:26:34.340 what does that mean too late what do you feel like yeah i i mean kip you've experienced this i
00:26:43.180 I have it right now. I'm actually been on cloud nine lately because, and we've talked about this
00:26:49.340 on other podcasts, a question like this almost always comes up. And I can tell you, my kids,
00:26:55.280 my daughter's 21. I have an 18 year old son, a 17 year old son and 11 year old son. And
00:27:02.380 you know, my 11 year old is still in the stage where he loves dad. He wants to do everything
00:27:07.860 with dad, man. Dad's awesome. Dad's cool. You know, all that stuff. And it's like all of our
00:27:12.620 kids. And once they become teenagers, they lose their minds and it gets really bad. Um, 15, 16,
00:27:20.740 17, even, you know, and I would have said 18, 19, but I can tell you, like, I just had a turnaround
00:27:28.360 with my boys. Um, it's amazing, you know, that, that the reason I'm kind of on cloud nine is
00:27:35.080 they're in a space. Now my oldest is, um, he's starting to get offers to play football at
00:27:41.600 different schools. He's looking at what schools he wants to go to, applying, getting accepted at
00:27:47.920 different places. And he's going through that process. And school was really hard for him.
00:27:55.080 He had a lot of difficult things. He transferred schools after his freshman year. And it's been
00:28:01.840 really rough. And when it was really rough, he never talked to me. So it's like, I don't worry.
00:28:11.060 I don't have anxiety, but that dude is the reason I got an ulcer a couple of years ago,
00:28:17.280 like for the first time in my life, you know, and I'm like having issues, like couldn't sleep at
00:28:24.480 night and all of these things. And, uh, and now at 18, like he's getting these offers and he's just
00:28:31.160 like, he just got a good score on his ACT. Like I said, he's getting acceptances. He's getting
00:28:37.340 offers to play. He's getting all these things that I worried about are happening. And like,
00:28:44.980 he's getting excited talking to me about him and everything else. And then, and then he just kind
00:28:50.880 of dropped the bomb and keep, you know, we're LDS, right? And so it's like, I was a convert teacher.
00:28:57.720 I never went on a mission. I converted when I was in my mid twenties. And so like, I never went on
00:29:04.340 a mission i never you know had that never grew up in that environment never had that expectation
00:29:08.480 and we've never been heavy on our kids about it either and uh but we obviously i tell him i would
00:29:15.200 love it i'd be a better man i just tell my own experience of i wish i had grown up in the church
00:29:20.280 and had that that ability that experience like i could have had that experience i feel like i
00:29:26.400 missed out like i'd be a better man if i didn't have it i never told him what he should do what
00:29:31.360 this. I just always my experience, my stuff. And most of those conversations, I didn't think he
00:29:38.380 was paying attention. I didn't think he was listening. I didn't think he cared. I did. I
00:29:43.340 thought actually he was mad at me for having the conversations with him. Right. And all of it. And
00:29:48.900 I'm talking mission, school, football, getting good, great, like all of it. I thought like he's
00:29:57.560 feeling right now? Like, am I messing up? Am I losing time? Am I blowing it? You know, what can
00:30:05.980 I do before it's too late? I had all the same thoughts. But I can tell you this, keep taking
00:30:11.920 him fishing. Keep having the conversations. Keep talking to him while you're driving. Don't make
00:30:18.640 it about what he should be doing, what this, any of that. Make it about what he wants to do, what
00:30:24.840 he likes, why he's doing the things he's doing, what your experience would be. Even saying things
00:30:31.400 like I would tell him things like, hey, look, I'm telling you this, not because I think I'm smarter
00:30:35.140 than you or better than you. I just want you to know my experience so that you don't make some
00:30:42.900 of the same mistakes I made. And just make sure you say stuff like that to him while you're in
00:30:48.460 those conversations. And whether you think he cares or he's paying attention or if he even
00:30:53.180 likes you or not doesn't matter as much. And then like be a good example the whole time
00:30:59.660 of how you show up and how you want him to show up. And I can tell you now, like both of my sons,
00:31:06.500 we were at a church camp, a young men's camp a few months ago. And when they were asked to think
00:31:14.720 of somebody that they knew that they wanted to be like when they were older. And almost every boy
00:31:21.300 at this camp said someone else that they knew that was and they told him who's strong spiritually
00:31:27.560 who's a good husband father like you know makes good money whatever it was it could be they could
00:31:33.780 like be a pro athlete they don't care like who do they who do they want to model yeah right
00:31:40.260 basically who do they want to model in their life and um most of the boys said some you know what
00:31:46.460 And no celebrities, but some athletes, some, you know, guys that they knew in the church, guys that they knew, whatever, that were successful in business and all these different things.
00:31:55.680 Both of my boys said me, you know, and it blew my mind, blew my mind.
00:32:01.460 I would have never in a million years thought I'd be the guy.
00:32:03.620 There's there's 10 other guys I thought they would have said first.
00:32:07.740 And they both said me, you know, my and then my son just dropped on me.
00:32:11.940 The 18 year old just told me we were talking about this school.
00:32:16.260 he wants to go to and the offer that he got. And I said, you got to call the coach. And what are
00:32:21.340 you going to tell him? And he goes, well, I need to call him and ask him about leaving. And I'm
00:32:29.940 like, what are you talking about leaving? And he goes, on my mission. He's like, I got to make sure
00:32:36.260 that the offer is going to be good because I'm going to go on my mission straight out of high
00:32:40.480 school and I want to make sure the offer is still going to be good in two years and it that like
00:32:46.200 blew my mind I was like really you want to go straight out of school and he's like yeah and
00:32:52.320 I'm like well crap we then we better get your papers in like by January right like seriously
00:32:58.300 like let's get that wisdom teeth out we got to go yeah yeah but like seriously if he wants to go 0.93
00:33:03.800 like by January he's got to start getting papers in right but he kind of dropped that bomb on me
00:33:09.140 and and his mom like we didn't because we haven't pushed and we haven't and we've been in
00:33:15.400 conversation and whatever else and and now he's like and he's so excited about it you know and
00:33:22.200 and uh we're homecoming we're doing all these senior things and senior announcements we have
00:33:27.780 tonight we have the the last home football game and you know the senior football players and
00:33:33.180 they announce in the beginning and we're like well what school do you want to say
00:33:36.840 you know or do you want to talk about your offers and all this stuff um because they announced oh
00:33:43.020 you know awesome real is going to be going to you know where wherever suwanee the university of the
00:33:49.580 south and playing football and um he says no i want you to say that i'm going on a two-year
00:33:55.340 mission for my church and that i'm undecided on who i want to play football for yet you know and
00:34:01.080 I was like awesome
00:34:03.560 you know it's like
00:34:05.300 that was like that's a home run right
00:34:08.040 but it's also
00:34:10.100 been the last four years
00:34:12.280 of dude did you hear
00:34:14.280 any word that I said
00:34:16.340 right and not saying
00:34:18.300 that that's where he's going to land
00:34:19.920 but here's my point all you
00:34:22.360 can do is all you can do who knows what my
00:34:24.180 17 year old is going to do and where he's
00:34:26.360 going to land right but all I
00:34:28.380 could do was be frustrated
00:34:30.000 and not take it out on him
00:34:32.640 and still love him
00:34:34.180 and still keep giving my experiences,
00:34:37.740 you know, like having the conversation
00:34:40.040 and like, hey,
00:34:42.180 I would even mess with him sometimes
00:34:43.960 and be like, are you mad at me?
00:34:45.520 Because I'm trying to talk to you right now.
00:34:47.300 You know, and sometimes he'd be like, no.
00:34:49.040 I mean, his favorite answers, I don't know.
00:34:52.700 Right?
00:34:53.060 It's like, it's so frustrating.
00:34:55.420 But dude, just don't get angry.
00:34:57.400 Don't get whatever.
00:34:58.820 maybe even joke with them a little bit personal yeah don't take it personal right absolutely so
00:35:05.940 sorry that was long but i just i think it's important like you hear you know good back
00:35:11.600 end stories but then also know that like i felt just like you do now it may be even worse when
00:35:18.040 he transferred schools and all this stuff he was getting in trouble with things bad friend group
00:35:22.280 all this it was just like literally like my nightmare what i thought was the worst case
00:35:27.000 scenario and looking back on it it was actually the best thing that could happen to him you know
00:35:32.080 and and it was so hard and you know all of that like it is for all parents but all you can do is
00:35:39.400 all you can do and you know most of the time all you can do is enough if you as as long as you stay
00:35:46.480 in love and care for him you know and and make sure that you are articulating that to him through
00:35:53.440 the process of what's i'll be honest with you it's going to be some hard years ahead in in those
00:35:59.780 conversations right so sorry it was so long but you know it's all right it's i know you're your
00:36:06.420 your boys are older than mine too so how is that dude i mean i got three boys in their 20s right
00:36:12.240 and and to your point at one point sean i would argue one of our kids was giving us such a run
00:36:17.220 for our money like he i'm about broke our marriage you know he was so difficult to deal with
00:36:21.880 it was so hard man it was super tough but if i anxiety right like what was your anxiety level
00:36:28.280 like it's inexplainable right yeah totally if i had to give you wanted like one nugget it's this
00:36:34.700 hold on to this distinction a heart at war or a heart at peace
00:36:40.520 if you find yourself having a heart at war towards your kid you need to figure out what
00:36:46.520 the story is that you're making up and let it go you are not going to be able to coach them
00:36:54.440 from a position of heart at war you can't coach someone when they're when you perceive they're
00:37:00.700 the problem and you're trying to change them the minute sean you try to change me i feel it
00:37:06.140 and what do i do you push me further away right because you're trying to manipulate me
00:37:12.420 so we that's not how we influence or coach people right so if you have a heart or you got to move
00:37:18.980 to a heart at peace and a heart at peace is this that your son is amazing he's divine he's capable
00:37:24.820 and he's figuring things out and there's a big difference between him and his character and
00:37:30.660 maybe his choices and his actions don't see him as the problem if you see him as a problem your
00:37:37.420 parenting will treat him like the problem he's going to feel like he's the problem and he's going
00:37:42.160 to push further away. That's the nugget that I would give you. Just love on your kids. And we
00:37:48.300 said it earlier, one of the best ways to do that is don't take it personal. Don't take it personal.
00:37:54.060 And what's ironic, Sean, as parents, we do this all the time. You want to become a better parent?
00:37:59.460 Remember what it was like to be a kid. I remember ignoring my parents all the time. I remember the
00:38:05.660 short answers. I remember trying to figure out things on my own. That's part of being a teenager.
00:38:10.480 and it's not horrible teens this is called them separating from you yeah telling them they didn't
00:38:16.580 know anything yeah this is the transition of them trying to move into adulthood it's a beautiful
00:38:22.740 thing i would see it as beautiful try to change our mindset around it so then that way we don't
00:38:28.280 like oh it shouldn't be this way no no it is this is part of the process right how do we guide them
00:38:34.460 through it and i would double down on not trying to change them coach them give them advice to like
00:38:40.760 what you said sean but be careful you know what i mean the the amount of pressure and fear and
00:38:45.960 all those other tactics that we kind of talked about earlier coming to the table and also that
00:38:50.560 like we were talking about um with i think it was tyler with his wife and date nights and stuff like
00:38:54.780 that right like um do the same with your kids i'd like you mentioned fishing make don't stop taking
00:39:01.900 and fishing, going camping, going on trips with the family because they don't want to.
00:39:07.340 Like that's my boys, almost every trip we did, we've done in the last like five years,
00:39:13.080 they're like, oh man, I don't want to go there.
00:39:15.080 I want to go to, you know, seaside with my friends during spring break.
00:39:19.100 I want to go do this with my buddies instead.
00:39:22.180 And we're like, well, we're going as a family here.
00:39:25.320 And try and create traditions that you're doing as a family.
00:39:29.180 And I can tell you, they didn't want to go on almost any of those trips. And every time they had fun, they had a good time, created core family memories. And just make sure you keep doing that. And again, in those trips, you know, just loving on them, being a good example, you know, all of that stuff.
00:39:47.640 And, you know, now in hindsight, like they're, if we let them go do all of the things that
00:39:56.060 they wanted to do instead of, you know, quote unquote, being stuck with us, you know, and
00:40:01.240 maybe it's fishing is your thing with him or, or whatever, maybe you'll, you'll figure
00:40:05.980 out some things you can do together and places you can go together that he does enjoy.
00:40:11.120 But either way, keep trying, keep trying different places, different things, keep going at it,
00:40:16.180 make it normal, make it, you know, kind of traditional for your family to do, um, so that
00:40:21.940 whether they like that, they're going to be going or not with you guys, they know they're going to
00:40:26.080 be doing it. And then, you know, when it's all said and done, um, you know, they're going to
00:40:31.240 have some good experiences and some memories that are created for you guys along the way.
00:40:36.120 Um, just don't cut that stuff out, right? It's like cutting out the date nights for your
00:40:39.920 relationship. It's, you don't want to do that. You want to create more spaces for you guys to,
00:40:46.180 uh, to bond. Yeah. You're still the parent, right? So don't like, you know, oh, he doesn't want to
00:40:52.300 no, no, no. We're still doing family things. It's a priority, right? Yeah, totally. I love it, man.
00:40:58.080 All right, man. We, it's a short one today, unfortunately for my schedule, not necessarily
00:41:01.680 yours. So Sean, man, that was fun. I always love, uh, having these AMAs with you, man. I appreciate
00:41:08.160 you appreciate how you show up. Um, dude, I'm so excited for you, man. Like I was getting teary
00:41:14.320 eyed just hearing about your son. I mean, dude, I, the, some of the greatest joys in life, man,
00:41:20.220 is seeing our kids, um, progress and learn and grow and see them come in adulthood. Uh, and it's
00:41:27.020 so fun when they get older, like my boys that are in their twenties, they're, they're men that I
00:41:32.840 like to hang out with. I didn't even see this. I just, I'm like, dude, you guys are a solid crew,
00:41:40.140 man you guys are good guys you know and and um and there's a joy in that so thanks sean once again
00:41:47.160 um maybe just a call out of uh maybe how people can connect with you um really quick no i mean i
00:41:55.940 don't put a lot out there it's we we have um you know our website happyandstrong.com um for like
00:42:03.380 couple stuff you know if people want help there it's we do a lot of stuff there um and i'm at
00:42:08.500 at Sean V MD on Instagram. And most of the stuff I put out there is silly or whatever else, but,
00:42:14.500 um, but yeah, it's usually on my, should probably take some advice from you and lighten it up.
00:42:22.500 Yeah. But guys can reach out to me out there at Sean V MD. It's, you know, it's, it's, uh,
00:42:28.220 yeah, that's it. Appreciate it. Okay. Awesome. Uh, gentlemen, as you know, the iron council
00:42:33.460 is closed for enrollment so but we're going to open that back up right before the end of the
00:42:38.800 year for guys that want to hit the ground running in january uh so and then catch the next episode
00:42:44.580 which is uh friday field notes with ryan mickler and until then take action and become the man that
00:42:51.160 you were meant to be thank you for listening to the order of man podcast you're ready to take
00:42:56.640 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be we invite you to join the order
00:43:01.280 at orderofman.com.