Pearl - Pearl & Elijah GO To Couples Therapy!

00:00:00.000 how's it going guys today i'm here with elijah shaffer both of our marriages went into the tank

00:00:05.440 so we decided to get married to each other where's our wedding rings

00:00:08.960 i have one i have a wedding ring all right i've actually been married oh you're better than me

00:00:15.840 so anyways today we're actually going to be doing a video with a marriage therapist trying to work

00:00:22.580 out some of our issues now i think i'm right and he thinks he's right and we're going to see what

00:00:27.900 the therapist says you know i did have a little stint with infidelity unfortunately a little

00:00:34.300 stint with infidelity ex-boyfriend who coincidentally also happens to be black so

00:00:41.720 anyways today we're gonna see if the therapist takes my side or his side and see if therapists

00:00:47.960 really want what's best for their patients or if they want money from the woman hello hi how are you

00:00:54.980 guys all right thank you guys for meeting with me today um my name is nancy and i have you guys on

00:01:01.440 my schedule this evening for an initial intake type uh session for couples is that what you

00:01:10.320 guys thought you were doing yeah okay so i'd like to start with just a few questions each one of you

00:01:17.940 um and either one of you we can do this popcorn style kind of just jump in and tell me a little

00:01:23.220 think about you guys sure go first how long have y'all are y'all married are you in a relationship

00:01:29.980 how long did you be married if you are yeah so we met in college i approached him at a party

00:01:35.060 okay yeah so we met in college we were college um sweethearts he's a few years older than me so i was

00:01:40.840 in school for music theory and he was in the graduate program and then um okay we met in

00:01:49.340 California and the school out there.

00:01:52.980 Yeah.

00:01:53.240 During COVID we decided to go to Texas and then we got married when we went to

00:01:57.660 Texas.

00:01:58.820 Yeah.

00:01:59.100 But I think, um, kind of like a key thing here is I think we had our first

00:02:06.420 problems, like sort of maybe when we were going to move to Texas versus like

00:02:13.340 why maybe we got married when we did, because essentially, uh, I'm more

00:02:18.120 right-leaning like I'm more conservative naturally and there was obviously all these weird COVID laws

00:02:23.700 and stuff in California and we were going to Cal State LA at the time like I said she said you know

00:02:29.500 I was a grad student and she was younger so I was kind of like more in the mindset of moving around

00:02:34.500 and finding a place to live and you know obviously when COVID started there was nothing to do so we

00:02:40.620 started spending a lot of time together um and I wanted to move to Texas because all the classes

00:02:46.220 went online anyways so i said i want to move to texas uh why do you just want to move with me

00:02:52.460 and then she started coming up with some stipulations and i didn't i don't even

00:02:56.380 understand i just didn't get it at the time like why she was being bringing up what she was bringing

00:03:00.860 up and so we kind of had this like disagreement back and forth apparently because she went through

00:03:05.420 my phone and whatever well yeah because he didn't he didn't block his ex at the time and so it was

00:03:11.820 was just kind of hard for me to get past because I'm trying to start this new relationship with

00:03:16.960 him and and he doesn't really appreciate that I gave up a lot of my life to be with him you know

00:03:22.360 I was out in California um obviously there's more opportunity for music there um and I really kind

00:03:30.180 of saw that as my career I had friends I had family and because you know I really wanted to

00:03:35.340 be with him I gave that up and I followed him to Texas um so I kind of felt like he didn't

00:03:41.020 appreciate that you know because i don't know i could i don't know sometimes i think about

00:03:45.740 like how my life could have been you know um just you know i don't know i think maybe i could have

00:03:53.900 been a musician you know um but now i came with him and yeah so yeah well i think i think what it

00:04:02.620 was too i mean i guess that's you've mentioned that but i think i remember the disagreement

00:04:08.540 being that like um like this kind of where the control started and also like uh i didn't do

00:04:14.100 anything but there was sort of like accusations coming out like oh why don't you have her blocked

00:04:18.980 and this and that and like i didn't even i didn't even know that i i didn't even know that i didn't

00:04:23.360 block this person but i shouldn't have to tell you that like i shouldn't i would think that's

00:04:28.100 just like normal yeah but i shouldn't have to tell you to block you but we don't have to get this

00:04:33.360 emotional in the beginning it's just like just giving her the background it's like the point is

00:04:38.000 but there's you see he's belittling me no but okay whatever then whatever my point is is that

00:04:43.180 that was a problem and then i think we yeah kind of kind of thought if we just got married because

00:04:50.780 we couldn't have an actual wedding ceremony so we got married in 2021 still couldn't like people

00:04:56.780 didn't want to fly and so we kind of just like made our own life we were having problems but

00:05:02.020 then at the same time it's like uh things were kind of okay for like the first couple of years

00:05:10.600 I would say yeah yeah I mean it was pretty good yeah I mean I think I think getting married we

00:05:15.700 were in like a honeymoon stage um and maybe the time together like things were so weird in the

00:05:21.260 terms of the uh the climate like I guess we kind of like we thought we got over things but I think

00:05:28.100 we just kind of were so focused on the outward like the you know there was like a lot of racial

00:05:33.920 tension and like she was really concerned about the blm stuff i kind of ignored it focused on my

00:05:40.500 studies and i think we just kind of like found solace watching movies and having sex and like

00:05:45.900 and i don't think there was really like any i don't remember anything between 2021 2023 i don't

00:05:51.360 remember i would say that was probably the best time in our marriage you know that was we really

00:05:55.940 got along yeah but then i think things really like we almost got divorced in 2023 uh i'll let

00:06:06.180 her tell you because i don't want to be accused of belittling her again or whatever that is i mean

00:06:11.620 like that's kind of a problem that we have when i'm i just tell this like it is and then i'm told

00:06:15.500 i'm like belittling so you can tell her which which reason uh december christmas party

00:06:24.740 oh um okay so it's just the way so I'm not gonna pretend like I've been like perfect in this I

00:06:35.100 haven't obviously I have pause too but I was just really frustrated because so again I gave up

00:06:41.880 everything and I was staying at home um like I was staying at home and because we were I was

00:06:49.860 trying to get on a schedule because we wanted to have kids basically um but I still would do like

00:06:56.120 my music stuff and I really just wanted him to like support me in my music stuff and I'd ask him

00:07:01.300 for months like could you come support me and go to like open mics and go to all this I don't know

00:07:08.040 does that make sense is that something common you know and it's kind of like I gave up everything

00:07:13.280 to be with you and you can't even go to an open mic um so i don't know there was a time where

00:07:25.920 um i i talked you know i i just don't like to say it because i feel kind of guilty about it um

00:07:33.600 well like let me say this is that because there was all the restrictions and there wasn't a lot

00:07:37.600 of live events anyways i think that there was a big misunderstanding in terms of like we trusted

00:07:44.720 each other and maybe like things that you might build early on in the relationship because we

00:07:49.200 weren't like we weren't going anywhere and all of my studies and work there was no trips and there

00:07:53.920 wasn't anything we never really like were apart for like for those years it was almost like we

00:07:57.600 just kind of didn't you know it took a while for the the covet stuff to kind of wind down and people

00:08:00.960 to get back to concerts and everything so like again not only the emotional side of like i never

00:08:06.960 had to support her in any of this stuff because there was nothing to do um so it was like that

00:08:12.080 wasn't there and then when she started going out i just was like oh i can trust her yeah but

00:08:15.840 but i i would ask you to go and you always would say you wouldn't want to go and it's like you know

00:08:21.360 i would go with you to your work events and then when i start doing open mics and i start doing

00:08:26.240 this stuff he doesn't want to support me um and so they were on weekdays and i work so again um

00:08:33.760 i ran into and and also he didn't block his ex early on and so when my i had an ex-boyfriend

00:08:42.000 that came to support me um and didn't tell she didn't tell me by the way no i didn't tell him um

00:08:48.800 and i did i did cheat with him i did um but she doesn't remember the details because she was

00:08:56.000 blacked out drunk so her friend yeah i was blacked out drunk and basically um i i barely remember it

00:09:03.440 um which he doesn't think is you know he doesn't think is an excuse and which it probably i don't

00:09:09.600 know but like i don't even remember it i just woke up and i was in his bed and um you know i regret

00:09:17.600 i wish it didn't happen but it did but like i tell him the only reason i did that was because

00:09:23.280 i just didn't feel emotionally supported and i was resenting him for like giving up everything

00:09:28.400 um and i also like resented him because you know i felt like he he did the same thing um

00:09:35.700 early in the relationship so yeah so to her not blocking your ex is the same thing as fucking

00:09:42.680 your ex-boyfriend but also the story changes every single year and i i didn't find out until

00:09:48.300 this last december because the following december's she can't even remember she doesn't even ask her

00:09:55.420 She doesn't even remember the day that we got,

00:09:57.320 she doesn't even remember the day we got married.

00:09:58.740 She can't remember that.

00:09:59.760 But then she, first she said,

00:10:02.320 when her friend told me, she said,

00:10:03.680 first she said she got raped.

00:10:04.820 That's not true, okay.

00:10:05.740 And first she said you got raped by your ex-boyfriend.

00:10:08.040 Well, you said, you said you could,

00:10:09.220 the first time that I asked you,

00:10:10.780 you said that you got raped.

00:10:11.900 So I said, why don't we press charges?

00:10:13.220 But you can't be super,

00:10:14.360 you can't consent when you're super drunk.

00:10:16.640 Yeah, so I said, why don't we press charges on him?

00:10:18.500 Then if you raped you, that's different than cheating.

00:10:20.540 I don't want to get the police involved.

00:10:22.360 Like.

00:10:23.200 so then he didn't rape you well i'm just saying technically you if you're blackout drunk you can't

00:10:29.840 consent yeah so he so either he raped you or he didn't but it's i don't know she thinks it's funny

00:10:36.100 well she thinks it's funny because because it's like to her to her she didn't remember no it's

00:10:41.340 not and she changes the story it's just like the i don't know i don't know no no it's just like

00:10:46.460 that's why so this we don't need to get into it right now the point is something happened

00:10:49.880 she doesn't take me seriously because she thinks she's all completely immune to any accountability

00:10:55.000 because she was blacked out drunk therefore it's rape but we can't prosecute him because

00:10:59.260 she knows him and then at the same time she remembers I don't want to ruin someone's life

00:11:04.520 you remember the exact date you were raped but you don't you remember your rape anniversary but

00:11:08.980 you don't remember the wedding day you don't remember you don't remember the day we met you

00:11:12.580 don't remember anything it's all my fault it's all about negative aspects but for some reason

00:11:16.480 then you remember this, but it's like, I don't, well, I don't, I don't understand why it's

00:11:21.200 what's funny about it or why it's like, no, I think that's the problem is that it's a joke.

00:11:25.280 No, it's good. You always call it a rape anniversary. I don't know why you say that.

00:11:29.900 Like it's, I mean, just cause I remember the, just cause I remember the date, it doesn't

00:11:34.720 mean it's like a rape anniversary. Like what do you, why do you say it like that?

00:11:38.440 See, she makes it about, it's always, so this is our problem is we're talking about sex,

00:11:43.840 cheating or rape or whatever and then all of a sudden it's a joke because i'm calling a rape

00:11:49.100 i'm not saying it's a joke it's just like no i'm saying like it becomes it becomes about everything

00:11:53.660 else so we can we can go past this for a second that's we'll talk about that for sure but it's

00:11:57.280 like it's like everything about this conversation i was wrong i was wrong like but it's like you

00:12:02.640 keep i've apologized for it i've said sorry and i'm wanting to move on from it but you're acting

00:12:08.560 like you're innocent and you've done nothing wrong and it's like no but i'm saying like that

00:12:13.480 this is this is the whole problem is like i asked the same question did you cheat or did you get

00:12:17.720 raped and always get a different answer and i never get the answer to that and then and then

00:12:23.400 it all becomes about what oh you're calling it a rape-aversary or you're you're making it about

00:12:28.040 this or that and i never get the answer he's just done this okay tell me what do you remember about

00:12:39.160 not yet what say that again what do you remember um i mean so i remember do you want me to leave

00:12:51.100 the room no stop no um okay no so i remember that night so i'm just weird with it because it's just

00:12:59.880 it makes me kind of uncomfortable like i don't know but so that night i have an open mic and i

00:13:07.700 sing my song and I'm hoping that he's there right and I kind of I had it all over my social media

00:13:12.560 and my ex-boyfriend shows up to support me and so I remember seeing him and okay I probably

00:13:19.480 shouldn't have given him a hug but it just meant a lot to me because again I gave up everything

00:13:24.680 to come to Texas so I end up like I remember having a few drinks with him um probably like

00:13:33.600 four or five like we were ripping shots because i was just happy like it was just a good night

00:13:37.920 and then um i like i remember talking to him and then it kind of like blurs out because i had like

00:13:45.360 five drinks maybe six i don't know they were like long islands tequila shots um yeah and that's

00:13:54.720 that's what i remember and then i woke up the next day i was in his bed and i'm and the first thing i

00:13:59.280 remember saying oh shit I'm married like I can't be in another guy's bed he's never gonna why are

00:14:05.140 you looking stop he's never gonna forgive me and he's I like I know he's never gonna forgive me

00:14:11.020 and I've completely ruined my marriage and for some reason um like it's like okay you either

00:14:17.520 want to work it out and we want to move on from this or like if it's over it's over then let me

00:14:23.960 know and I can move on but you know you gotta pick one it can't be you're always throwing this back

00:14:29.920 in my face and like I didn't it wasn't like when I met you at the party I approached you like he

00:14:35.480 came to me and he started you know we start doing shots together ripping drinks and I don't remember

00:14:40.880 the rest so well there you go uh I guess we can talk about that but I feel like I just want an

00:14:49.320 were you raped or not?

00:14:50.780 And also some accountability of like,

00:14:53.300 why have me not blocking an ex, what, years ago,

00:14:56.900 equivalent to you having sex with a man?

00:14:59.540 That makes no sense.

00:15:01.260 Have you ever thought that maybe it's hard

00:15:02.780 for me to talk about?

00:15:03.800 Like, there's a little bit traumatic to just wake up

00:15:07.440 and not remember anything and you don't.

00:15:10.320 Did you hear that?

00:15:11.160 She almost pretended to cry right now

00:15:13.660 and pretended to, like, that's my point.

00:15:15.120 That's fake.

00:15:15.960 She has no regret.

00:15:16.820 She's almost, she's putting on a performance.

00:15:19.300 Like she's gonna cry and she doesn't,

00:15:21.220 she didn't tell me for two years.

00:15:23.180 She didn't tell me for two years.

00:15:24.020 She didn't want me to know.

00:15:24.840 Her friend told me.

00:15:25.680 I didn't wanna hurt you, like.

00:15:27.220 Yeah, well, in the end, it makes sense.

00:15:28.800 Cause my point is, is after that time,

00:15:30.580 this brings up the rest of it.

00:15:31.940 I wish I actually would have never known.

00:15:34.160 There has been other issues.

00:15:35.260 Like things were fine and then all of a sudden

00:15:37.540 the relationship became about control.

00:15:39.940 It became like, suddenly I did nothing right

00:15:41.860 in the relationship.

00:15:42.740 Like no matter what I did, it's like,

00:15:45.440 I knew something was wrong.

00:15:46.420 I'm like, what changed?

00:15:47.420 Like one day it flipped, right?

00:15:48.800 And I'm just like, because I had time off for Christmas

00:15:51.160 that December.

00:15:52.680 And so I'm like, oh, we're going to hang out together,

00:15:54.180 spend time.

00:15:54.640 But all of a sudden, her mood changes

00:15:56.520 in the last two years has been like,

00:15:58.540 that's what your friend told me.

00:15:59.620 Because I'm like, I was asking,

00:16:00.840 I finally asked her friend, like, what happened?

00:16:02.040 Like, what's going on here?

00:16:03.020 Like, what don't I know?

00:16:03.780 Well, I had a lot of guilt around it.

00:16:04.800 It wasn't like I didn't feel guilty.

00:16:07.500 I said, I'm sorry.

00:16:09.260 Like, what else?

00:16:10.140 I can't undo it.

00:16:13.220 Well, yeah.

00:16:14.740 Undo what?

00:16:15.660 We don't know what happened.

00:16:16.820 It's like, did a crime happen?

00:16:18.500 or did you just uh are you a whore you know so like i don't know and so then the point is is

00:16:24.020 then she's like oh well you have to call me that well if you did that then you're you're either

00:16:29.140 you're either a cheater and a whore or you're a victim and i don't i never hear the end of this

00:16:34.580 like it's almost like it's comical at this point like it's literally comical because i never hear

00:16:40.580 the end of this i never hear and it's like well tell her about what you so so while you're dealing

00:16:45.940 with your grief um from cheating on your husband or getting raped which we will just we'll just

00:16:51.140 leave that for the future we have no idea which one it was well you were grieve raped or whatever

00:16:55.620 how did you treat me for two years how did i treat you well i thought it was nice what did i do

00:17:02.020 what did i do wrong

00:17:06.180 what what did i do wrong apparently everything every day oh okay i mean all right so he thinks

00:17:12.260 because he works and i don't work because again i've been trying to get on a schedule so we can

00:17:16.580 have kids and you know um he but after work a lot of times he'll come home late from the bar

00:17:24.820 and it's just he gets mad because i think he doesn't really appreciate me keeping the house

00:17:31.380 clean and stuff and like he'll just leave his clothes everywhere he'll um you know his shoes

00:17:36.660 i just want them next to the door and i tell him this stuff and then if i tell him he's like can

00:17:40.900 you stop bitching at me and one i'm like do you have to say bitching i mean that's that's kind of

00:17:46.740 rude uh but two it's like you don't want i gave up everything to come and be with you and i i think

00:17:54.980 you say that one more time she'll finally hear it stop stop i don't look so do you want me to tell

00:18:01.380 her sorry i'll shut up yeah so again he comes home late from the bar and i'm like okay do you not want

00:18:06.340 to spend time with me you've been working all day how are we gonna have a good marriage if you don't

00:18:10.020 even want to see me and then he leaves in masks in the morning it's like i can't even think

00:18:14.740 because there's crumbs everywhere and you know so i don't know um so she's she's carrying a memory

00:18:22.260 of having another man inside her and she's mad at crumbs that's my that's my interpretation it

00:18:27.060 was years ago it's over like well see i didn't understand if you're not telling her that that

00:18:32.420 all happened before that date and it was never a problem so i was confused i was confused i didn't

00:18:37.860 changed my behavior i was the same i've been consistent i've showed up i've paid the bills

00:18:42.580 she also doesn't tell you she doesn't earn any money her music stuff costs money it doesn't it

00:18:46.900 doesn't it does not make money so everything including her trip to that to go to that night

00:18:52.900 mic night to the hotel room i paid for my wife to get by another guy on top of that going forward i

00:19:00.740 didn't change my behavior i don't think so she says i changed like that okay why do you have to say

00:19:06.660 it like that you don't have to be so crass and you don't be so mean about it i get it i messed up

00:19:12.100 but it's just so frustrating and okay then on top of that he's mad because i don't sleep with him

00:19:18.100 as much as he wants um and because he wants to have sex like every single day and i just can't do

00:19:25.620 that um and he just and then he gets mad he brings up the the incident which again if you want to

00:19:32.740 to move on from it's fine does that make sense like then i can't go back i can't change it it's

00:19:39.000 either we move on or we break up so why like why do you have to keep bringing it up because she

00:19:44.680 well she says she might be pregnant right now and she won't but she won't let me get a pregnancy

00:19:48.580 test so she said she feels pregnant so that's why we're getting counseling because maybe she's

00:19:52.440 gonna have a baby well we're gonna find out soon enough if i don't get my period like because my

00:19:56.800 period's a little bit late but it's not that late so why don't we just wait and see well that's

00:20:01.640 well we're also here too because to be to be completely honest the last thing is this she

00:20:06.500 says she might be pregnant and i don't know if you're familiar with the lindsay clancy case

00:20:10.240 that the murder that's going on so so it's like god not this again i posted one thing on social

00:20:17.780 media one thing and sorry go ahead go ahead go ahead are you done yeah go ahead okay i'm not

00:20:28.080 even trying to say a lot of things i just the point is is that she claims that she might be

00:20:35.280 pregnant and then also i'm gonna be honest she's made some pretty nasty threats if i divorce her

00:20:40.700 like what she would do and all i'm like you know basically going to tell people that you know this

00:20:45.380 is where the rape comes up all of a sudden it's rape which is i'm gonna tell people i got raped

00:20:48.320 and you left me because i got raped and and you know she does she says this you have sex with me

00:20:53.100 the middle of the night when i'm asleep for like two minutes and i didn't i don't let me finish

00:20:59.660 so so she says this i'm gonna leave her so then it's like okay well i don't want well that sucks

00:21:04.060 it's like so then i divorced my wife and then she got raped so i punished her and that's gonna make

00:21:07.820 me like a shitty person so but i don't know she did number two with all this stuff going on it

00:21:13.420 makes life that she doesn't tell you i go to the bar because i want her to fall asleep because if

00:21:17.820 i come home i get bitched at and it's that's what it is sorry you don't like the wording it's like

00:21:22.940 uh sorry that you know you tell a kid that fire is hot they don't like it it's true i'm not asking

00:21:27.820 for a lot i'm asking you to just wipe off the crumbs it's not i'm not asking you to do a deep

00:21:32.860 house clean i do that every other day where i do a deep house cleaning and i just say hey like he

00:21:39.740 acts like i'm asking so much to just wipe off the counter okay but the the key thing is i'll be

00:21:44.220 honest we've been complaining i've been bitching too i'll admit i bitch too and it's that we have

00:21:48.700 have these problems but we did have a lot of good years together and we do love each other and like

00:21:56.520 look I was molested as a kid and I know what it's like to be sexually violated and so you know I

00:22:02.600 understand that if like you know sexual assaults you know happens and I'm not like you know she'll

00:22:07.820 call me a misogynist or something in fights because I use the word bitch dad or something

00:22:11.520 but it's like I'm not going to take that lightly and in the end like look if it was like

00:22:16.160 not a violent he does say misogynistic things yes but but if it wasn't like he does he does he

00:22:22.420 he thinks like women are supposed to be like lesser than their husbands and like submit and

00:22:28.280 i don't subscribe to all that you know this isn't a youtube channel this is our marriage

00:22:33.000 so you don't need to subscribe it's like it's like listen just listen to me for like one second

00:22:36.740 he always wants me to listen to him and it's like i'm my own person you know

00:22:40.220 yeah well maybe if you listened that's would fix me saying that so the point is is i'm saying

00:22:47.620 if she was like if she was like a victim of something and i'm saying look if she doesn't

00:22:51.480 want to prosecute and it really was like you know her friend doesn't seem to know if she really was

00:22:55.240 taking advantage of this person got her wasted and it was a lapse of judgment paired with take

00:23:00.240 being taken advantage of i understand that because because it's not like the justice system like i

00:23:05.540 don't want to go through court no i know you have to you know they don't believe women so it's like

00:23:09.600 move on from that for a second I'm trying to just explain this if that's what happened then I could

00:23:14.880 work through it with her because because it's it's sort of like uh you know even when you're a kid

00:23:20.200 and you get molested it's like it's not like people like pin you down in a in a back in a

00:23:23.920 back lot you're a little bit wiser you make an inappropriate relationship with an adult

00:23:27.240 you know sort of like you're like a 14 year old boy sitting with this 25 year old teacher it's

00:23:30.800 like yeah he's his balls dropped and he could have sex but at the same time it's like you know

00:23:35.140 she abused her relationship with him. And so it's not, it's still statutory rape type of thing.

00:23:40.260 So I could work on that. But the real issue is, is like, we're working on that. I want to work

00:23:45.620 through that. That's a big one. I also want to work through all of this behavior. Is it linked

00:23:49.980 or not getting mad at me all the time? And because I don't want to have to change myself because

00:23:55.300 people deal with trauma differently. Yes. But, but the weirdest part is during this Lindsay

00:23:59.580 Clancy case, I think this is the final thing. We could talk about something for 10 years and we

00:24:03.660 wouldn't get through everything, but it's like,

00:24:05.420 but it's like, we were talking and I brought up,

00:24:08.840 I brought up the, she put some weird posts.

00:24:10.860 I brought up to her like, yeah, that's terrible.

00:24:13.140 That woman murdered her three kids and she put up.

00:24:16.740 There's not enough education around postpartum depression.

00:24:19.400 Yeah, but she put like, she said it could happen to me too.

00:24:22.040 And I was like, what could happen to you?

00:24:24.560 Like, I don't know what that means.

00:24:25.700 My point is it could happen to anybody

00:24:27.580 because there's not enough education around postpartum depression.

00:24:29.840 Tell her what you said, what could happen?

00:24:32.120 this is not again like the rape or the or the cheating it's a big it's not like anybody could

00:24:36.440 you know get into postpartum psychosis and kill their kids that could happen to anybody and so

00:24:42.280 it's like easy for everybody to judge her when it's it's like there's not enough education around

00:24:48.680 postpartum depression in this country so well and this is why by the way because i really i really

00:24:54.200 like no but we're getting we're getting older we're different politically and i just thought

00:24:58.440 you know because we're you know we're like you know i approached him at the party you know i love

00:25:03.800 him and it's just i thought we could work past that and then it's not that big of a deal it's

00:25:09.640 just like paul you know it's just politics who cares but it's just becoming like a problem

00:25:14.520 because i think he's kind of controlling over how i think and it's like i'm allowed to have

00:25:19.000 an opinion that's not yours you know okay but what she doesn't say is that she's getting older

00:25:25.000 i can have kids for the rest of my life she's kind of in that's this mode like i don't i don't have

00:25:29.560 kids she doesn't have kids i could find someone younger or whatever have kids but she wants a

00:25:33.800 kid she's like even if we divorce why don't well even if we divorce why don't we have a kid and

00:25:38.200 i'm like so that was like an option of like well maybe we divorce but we still have a kid together

00:25:41.800 at least we can like co-parent and then it's like oh but by the way in case i'm having an emotional

00:25:47.320 day i might murder your child and you should understand because i did not say that does that

00:25:53.720 sound like that's what i said does that honestly sound like i said that like that i'm me or her

00:25:59.560 her oh does it sound like that's what i said i don't know i just met you guys

00:26:07.480 well we got to work on all this stuff and i think i think though we are we are explaining the bad

00:26:13.000 but the point is that we do have a lot of good and you know we both had a fair share of exes

00:26:19.400 before we met and you know you break up because you're focused on the bad and that's happened

00:26:24.820 many times before and obviously one of us had enough good times with our ex that we were able

00:26:31.700 to rekindle the flame and so it's like I do look back too and I'm like you know you you judge from

00:26:37.020 the future like you know maybe I did harp on things maybe I did maybe I was being too harsh

00:26:41.840 and her friends tell me the thing is is like all her friends tell tell me they agree with her they

00:26:46.140 tell me you're being too harsh you're being rude stay with her she really loves you she's just

00:26:50.660 dealing with this like she you should hear how she talks we'll show me text messages like look

00:26:54.780 what she says about you like you're the best she loves you yeah the best provider and also get a

00:26:58.860 little bit flirty with you if we're gonna be really honest about it but that's besides the

00:27:03.460 point i don't even first time i'm hearing that so the point is is is it's not all bad but there

00:27:11.200 are bad things and they're very bad and so it's like um my friends tell me we should divorce and

00:27:18.780 break up her friends tell her that we shouldn't and her parents and my parents agree that we

00:27:26.300 should stay together or at least have some kids together and be separated and try to like maybe

00:27:29.840 separate for a year have a kid or something we're just like because we are friends and maybe we just

00:27:34.700 need to like some separation physical separation or something and work on ourselves so we get like

00:27:39.100 different advice from family our friends and and then the problem is a lot of our friends are

00:27:43.660 married so like we they're the same so it's confusing because it's like the wives are telling

00:27:47.760 her to stay and the husbands are saying to leave and it's causing tension in our friend group so

00:27:52.500 like i don't know we can't talk to them anymore about it because it's causing problems so that's

00:27:56.820 why that to me that's why i'm here i don't know why she wants to be here but she agreed to yeah

00:28:01.360 i mean i just want to i want to work it out and move on but i don't know he he just can't seem

00:28:07.580 to do that so but i'm here so i'm trying i'm obviously trying but i want to i wouldn't be

00:28:12.860 here if i didn't if i didn't want things to get better i wouldn't be here then great we agree

00:28:19.420 okay how long have y'all been married a little over five years yeah okay

00:28:29.180 and what is the age difference i'm 33 i'm 29 yeah

00:28:33.580 all right so Hannah tell me

00:28:46.240 in about three words what do you want out of this man

00:28:51.680 I just I want to get along and stop fighting

00:28:57.840 okay that's six words but sorry

00:29:02.980 kids peace and healing

00:29:10.000 not in that order probably but yeah probably healing peace than kids but those three things

00:29:18.360 like the heal peace kids i want kids too can i add that

00:29:22.020 you can okay

00:29:27.540 so are you guys committed to working in this counseling sessions yeah i am okay yes

00:29:41.380 what about outside of the sessions yes yeah okay all right daniel

00:29:52.020 define love

00:29:54.420 in general or from like a male perspective

00:29:59.440 just define it however you want to

00:30:03.680 i guess i've always thought of it as an outward expression of appreciation acceptance and

00:30:12.780 commitment that's sacrificial as a man on a man's perspective and also understanding and tender

00:30:20.480 like towards a woman and and uh learning what how the person receives love versus the capacity of

00:30:27.560 how you can give it so love is both expressive but also fluid based on who you're with because

00:30:35.120 people do receive love differently in different acts of love and um yeah it's like she likes acts

00:30:41.860 of service you know and so i think love you know is in this context or in general would just be

00:30:50.380 like learning to behave, act and putting the feelings into action, not just words, because

00:30:56.680 I've learned that, that the receivers is more important than the giver. Uh, and the authenticity

00:31:04.600 of the love is important too. That's pretty much it. I think it's putting the other person first.

00:31:16.820 Is that it?

00:31:20.380 and it can be I'm just yeah that's pretty much what I'd say like just trying to think about

00:31:25.340 their needs before yours okay life is so simple okay so

00:31:37.700 that all that stuff that you guys said is true but when you get married based on love

00:31:48.060 and you are making a commitment

00:31:51.000 to each other

00:31:51.860 love is really defined at that

00:31:55.100 point as

00:31:57.040 a set of promises given

00:31:58.960 and a set

00:32:01.260 of promises kept

00:32:02.200 okay

00:32:05.600 so

00:32:06.560 with what you guys

00:32:09.220 are describing to me

00:32:10.580 do you guys feel

00:32:13.060 like with the things that you said

00:32:14.820 putting the other first

00:32:16.800 having a commitment to each other uh sacrificing being expressive being respectful

00:32:25.740 putting feelings into actions

00:32:28.540 with all of that and how you guys have been so far in this five years

00:32:36.660 do you feel like you're keeping your set of promises i think the first three years maybe

00:32:44.300 we did but after that no um i don't want to sound stereotypical because i'm not saying that i

00:32:56.820 haven't done anything wrong or anything but i don't think i've changed at all um and maybe

00:33:07.240 that's the problem maybe i need to change uh to understand the next season but uh

00:33:13.520 definitely I would say probably haven't been doing that uh since yeah since December of last year

00:33:23.220 so for her it's probably longer because she's had the knowledge that I didn't have so it's like for

00:33:29.280 her it's the first three years but for me I'm like still thinking maybe the last the first four four

00:33:33.880 and a half five years I it was I was doing it and now I'm don't have any motivation really because I

00:33:40.620 can't get one simple answer so I know I she wants to heal or whatever but I'm like how do you move

00:33:45.640 on when you don't even know what yeah when you don't even know what's going on how do you even

00:33:49.200 do that so I don't know what what to do to get back to that

00:33:52.920 Hannah you have anything you want to add not really

00:34:01.260 can you share with us why

00:34:05.700 um i just think it was kind of a traumatic event for me and he tends to he just throws it in my

00:34:15.400 face so i i don't really have anything else to say is it possible that when he learned about this

00:34:24.940 that it could have been a traumatic event for him as well yeah yeah okay good so if we can just

00:34:36.700 call us there and keep that thought that this situation has impacted both of you

00:34:42.940 in in different ways but but a lot of the same ways as well

00:34:50.060 does that make sense yeah it makes sense

00:34:55.040 so you're both hurting and part of what i'm seeing in you daniel is a frustration

00:35:06.620 and even though i do hear some of the the uh sarcasm and the way that you're talking to her

00:35:15.180 i'm also hearing that hurt because you don't have a clear understanding of what's happened

00:35:23.260 because they're two very different things

00:35:27.820 is it okay yeah sorry someone was just calling right now is it it was a small call i just found

00:35:34.140 okay okay and so it's really hard to focus on

00:35:39.740 you know if it was a rape that is a whole different thing and so for him being the male

00:35:52.080 he wants to feel protective of his wife and he wasn't able to so now it feels like he didn't

00:36:01.720 have control over it that's why he is so fixated on was it a rape or was it consensual

00:36:13.960 and really at this point two years later

00:36:19.320 does it matter

00:36:22.520 enough to delve into it to have that understanding or is there a line that you guys could hit

00:36:31.720 where you can say okay this is all we know and can you move forward from it

00:36:39.800 and really both of you are going to have to know i mean because hannah you do tend to look away

00:36:47.480 and you wiggle a lot you're moving a lot what indicates you're uncomfortable about the

00:36:51.880 conversation so then i too question what's happened because if something happened that

00:36:59.400 you don't really know and even if you knew the person but if you didn't consent

00:37:06.760 then there's other things that that you kind of need to deal with

00:37:12.040 and it may not be just the legal aspects and this and that but also you have different emotions

00:37:18.040 that you need to process around that

00:37:22.760 and then if it wasn't and it was consensual and you guys were in a bad place

00:37:29.400 Okay, then let's focus on that, and we can work on that.

00:37:39.340 And I can't make that decision before we die.

00:37:41.840 And then you guys have to decide whether you really want to remain married,

00:37:47.660 because working through this will be hard.

00:37:52.760 I'm here.

00:37:53.860 I do this.

00:37:54.900 What I do, I'm happy to help you guys.

00:37:57.360 but there will be change and work on on uh work from both of you

00:38:06.760 yeah i think you're right it does it does make me uncomfortable to talk about it because it was just

00:38:16.900 i don't know because i don't hate like i don't i'm not trying to get legal involved and ruin

00:38:27.160 someone's life but i really don't remember it like i don't remember anything that happened

00:38:31.440 past drinking at the bar so have you have you asked the ex what happened

00:38:37.100 no i didn't talk to him after that

00:38:41.020 but he texts her he texts her though he texts her like that was a great time

00:38:46.820 apparently i don't even like think of it apparently uh she was moaning and she orgasmed

00:38:51.820 twice that night or whatever and it's like uh apparently he was he didn't reply it's true

00:38:56.840 but he was apparently it sounds like the most uh incredible rape experience i've heard to date so

00:39:02.720 sounds for a lot of like it was a lot of fun for you at least he thought so so okay okay so

00:39:10.880 So, Daniel, until we know the real truth, it's going to be hard for you,

00:39:17.300 but you're going to have to step over that line away from the anger.

00:39:22.240 Because, you know, you're taking all this in.

00:39:25.380 If she doesn't remember, the thing is, is that he can say anything he wants to

00:39:31.400 because he can make up anything he wants.

00:39:35.440 and have you never heard another guy

00:39:41.360 boast about oh you know

00:39:43.060 I got this and I got that and I tapped that

00:39:45.600 and it was this and that and it's not really true

00:39:47.840 yeah it almost just feels like

00:39:55.460 he wants to believe this other guy

00:39:57.620 instead of his wife you know

00:39:59.180 so yeah

00:40:01.680 have you shared that with him before

00:40:03.780 um i never really felt i guess safe to say it because you can see like he gets so upset and

00:40:10.900 i don't want to minimize his feelings because he's rightfully upset but um you know of course

00:40:19.620 he's gonna say that because he doesn't you know he doesn't want me to go to the police i'm sure

00:40:24.580 because he knew i was blackout drunk um so yeah well besides the people who know i don't want like

00:40:32.120 some public thing you know we're gonna work through it i'm not trying to like uh yeah i don't even

00:40:38.160 like to think about it i don't want people reminding me you know besides her the friends

00:40:41.020 that know or whatever it's not like public and like i don't want it to become something so

00:40:45.900 you know it's like because like because her her ex she doesn't tell you is also like a pretty big

00:40:50.500 social media influencer and he's like a very public figure and so if we made it public there's

00:40:54.300 a lot of risk of just like embarrassment and also well you know also incentive for him to lie

00:40:59.800 because he doesn't want me to say anything you know um yeah well there's just there's just those

00:41:06.220 side aspects but I think I think for the most part it's um I admit I am a sarcastic person

00:41:12.320 and I did hold a comment like I did want to say you know I don't know I don't even say but I was

00:41:17.540 just gonna be like yeah I'm it's great that she cares about my emotions for the first time

00:41:20.620 when we're on counseling because I've never felt that she did you know never really felt that um

00:41:25.820 um but I also I'm not gonna lie it's like uh I grew up with a lot of sisters and I had a mother

00:41:35.080 it was very vindictive and controlling and um you know never accepted anything and to this day my

00:41:44.700 sisters are always just like they'll do something wrong and it's never their fault and this is why

00:41:50.220 she calls me a misogynist I tell I go why is it that every time a girl I have a problem with a

00:41:54.140 girl and they did something wrong are they always immediately it comes back to my fault and it's like

00:42:01.800 the fact that from this situation it's all like well if you had showed up then this wouldn't have

00:42:07.400 happened and it's like okay uh why why is it why does why is it me and then it's like well if we

00:42:15.780 if you had to move me to Texas in the first place you know it's like so why didn't you do this why

00:42:20.360 did you well if you hadn't done this if you hadn't done this if you hadn't done that if you'd only

00:42:23.980 been there and it's like i already experienced this for like my first 18 years of life you know

00:42:30.940 just dealing with this and i'm like yeah this is how women have been and this is my experience

00:42:35.820 with them and then she's like that's you know so you know so now you're using sexism to justify

00:42:40.540 this and and it's like oh just shut like stop with the weird woke this isn't

00:42:47.260 this isn't twitter or like instagram or something this is a real life you know like

00:42:52.220 save the pronouns for the internet like this is we're human beings the same thing you say

00:42:56.620 like you save the weird woke right talking points for the internet like you don't have to say it's

00:43:02.060 about women like you know men do that stuff too so i just don't understand why you make it like

00:43:08.380 comments like that you're the one who uses the trigger words and i'm just like i'm not being

00:43:14.300 it's not sexism it's just like hey look my experience with women has been like this it

00:43:18.700 It feels like I'm being gaslit

00:43:20.220 like my mom and my sisters used to gaslight me.

00:43:22.740 And those situations were much more clear cut.

00:43:25.680 It's like, yes, my sister did wreck my car

00:43:29.100 when she was drunk.

00:43:30.400 And she continues to claim

00:43:31.520 that somebody sideswiped her with a tire.

00:43:33.360 And I'm like, a rubber cannot total the front of a car.

00:43:36.180 And there was alcohol in the car, empty cans.

00:43:38.220 And she's like, those were her friends and this and that.

00:43:39.980 And it's like, I never got it fixed.

00:43:41.520 And I'm saying there's a lot of situations

00:43:42.660 where it's easier to point out like,

00:43:44.020 hey, just tell me you fucked up and we can deal with it.

00:43:46.840 And she's, I feel that kind of happened.

00:43:48.780 I said that I fucked up.

00:43:50.400 Like I shouldn't have been in that situation to begin with.

00:43:54.000 I, I should have, I shouldn't have even talked to him or acknowledged him.

00:43:58.420 All I'm saying is I didn't consent because legally you cannot consent if you were super drunk.

00:44:05.480 So, and I was drinking, he wasn't drinking.

00:44:08.680 Well, here's the, here's the conclusion.

00:44:09.980 But the conclusion is this, the conclusion is this.

00:44:12.420 If we get over this, if we go over this, I barely found out about this.

00:44:16.600 but what's been annoying for the marriage has been all this other stuff that's come up all this

00:44:19.880 complaining and mood change and not wanting to have sex and like you like she looks there's when

00:44:25.540 she makes the bed in the morning she puts pillows in the middle so that we have our own divided

00:44:29.820 sides or whatever now because she doesn't want me to wake her up in the middle of the night and

00:44:33.820 have sex with her and like this stuff started after that because again i told you you can't

00:44:40.060 consent if you're asleep and like sometimes i'll just wake up and he's like trying to have sex

00:44:45.820 with me or whatever because again he gets home later than I do and then he says I'm like withholding

00:44:52.300 sex from him and because I'm his wife I should like he I can consent whenever right well I used

00:44:57.680 to have sex with her whenever and now it's all like oh you know but if you do that you're raping

00:45:01.240 me and you know I'm not saying that it's just there's a little bit of trauma associated with

00:45:06.360 it now but it's affecting everything and I'm realizing down the road all this other stuff

00:45:11.440 if it's connected and we can solve that and solve these other issues i feel like the reason why i

00:45:15.920 want counseling here is because maybe that's the too big of a place to start and maybe we can see

00:45:22.240 how everything else is connected and go backwards kind of like like like that like it's like it's

00:45:27.600 like oh i didn't know why she got weird in in in bed and why we have pillow up it's like a child

00:45:34.480 like a pillow fort between us and then it's like why is our sex life changing and then i look at

00:45:39.440 everything and it's like oh it all seems to be related what's funny no it's not fun I just feel

00:45:47.960 kind of uncomfortable telling her about this sorry it's like it's just kind of weird talking about

00:45:52.660 this to a stranger a little bit so she does she whatever okay whatever that's all I want to say

00:45:57.740 is I want to say can we go can we go back I wouldn't be here I wouldn't be here if I didn't

00:46:02.340 love her and I wouldn't be angry if I didn't care and so I'm obviously here because I care

00:46:07.080 and the problem is is that is that in the end in the end i want to try to make this work

00:46:14.820 and i'm willing to put my money where my mouth is and my time where my mouth is

00:46:19.000 and you know it would just be nice if we could fix this and maybe maybe for once i could get

00:46:25.360 more than just a blow job once every two months or something like that i do it more than that

00:46:30.880 i do it i do it when's the last time you did it we're gonna talk sorry this is so weird okay

00:46:36.960 i don't know like a month ago it's okay yeah but when where when when did it happen in the kitchen

00:46:43.640 that wasn't that was in may no it wasn't it was in july why you liked it

00:46:51.060 that was in may it was on the fourth of july

00:46:55.680 come on you remember that was that was literally in 2025 4th of july you're confusing the game

00:47:03.420 no that was literally 2025 4th of july that was last year the last time we did it this year was

00:47:10.680 in may no it wasn't yes i gave him a blow he doesn't even remember you see why should i give

00:47:15.240 him another i don't drink alcohol so i would remember so i remember that was last year she's

00:47:20.500 my point is she doesn't remember anything i don't know if she has amnesia but it seems like she

00:47:24.780 doesn't remember anything i gave you a blow job in the kitchen last year no it was this year

00:47:28.940 it was this year okay fine well it was the greatest blow job i i also forgot maybe i was

00:47:33.520 raped too i don't even i don't remember but i'm whatever i'm being i'm being i'm being i'm just

00:47:40.160 not that whatever all right my point is i don't like being this way i don't want to be this way

00:47:44.020 i i've never been like this i don't like treating her like this i don't i don't like it and you

00:47:50.740 our pastor tells us that well our pastor tells us maybe if i was a better leader this wouldn't

00:47:56.740 have happened and maybe if like she she complains to the the woman's pastor that that like i'm not

00:48:02.340 a guy that you know she can follow so i'm saying well maybe if i could step up my leadership well

00:48:06.500 you drink all the time and that's not really like i don't drink he's he's well you go to the bar i

00:48:11.940 mean after work and that's not really a conducive environment well i don't drink at home i'm saying

00:48:15.780 like i don't drink here i go to the bars with friends i'll have a beer but i don't drink in

00:48:18.980 the house at all okay okay but i'm just saying like i feel like sometimes you come off holier

00:48:24.580 than now and it's it's like well you go to the bar too but whatever the the sex stuff from my

00:48:31.940 point of view this is just my point of view i remember giving sorry i just like it's so weird

00:48:37.540 talking to someone else about this um but i remember giving him a blowjob in the kitchen

00:48:42.180 like i remember that sorry this is really weird telling you about this and i don't mean to sorry

00:48:48.340 sorry but um so i i don't know the the sex stuff i just don't like it when he has sex with me

00:48:55.940 at night um like when i don't when i'm not awake and it just feels like kind of weird you know

00:49:01.700 what i mean so i i know i should have sex more with him and i'm trying but it's just hard if

00:49:08.260 i don't want to you know like sometimes i'm just not in the mood and we're fighting and it's like

00:49:13.380 if we're fighting i don't want to have i don't want to have like a lot of sex you know what i

00:49:17.860 yeah it's not having more sex it's having sex at all that's probably we should start with once

00:49:23.060 once you know and recently okay i think when was the first time well she got i would didn't finish

00:49:31.860 and i would say maybe maybe like end of july i tried and i mean like that was about right

00:49:40.020 and then she was just like then she cried or whatever and was like i don't i don't want this

00:49:44.260 this to be our dynamic and then that we and then every time i've tried to approach her since it's

00:49:49.240 always like uh it's always this trauma stuff it's like but the last time you know it was i had

00:49:53.660 memories of getting raped and then it's like like that's what i mean the story goes back and forth

00:49:58.780 and it's like she throws it in my face so i don't think she's figured it out and then now it's like

00:50:04.120 um yeah so i'm sexually frustrated and i work hard and i and she gets mad she gets mad i look

00:50:12.400 at porn sometimes because i need to get i need to bust a load because it makes me feel like

00:50:17.280 because i'm almost 30 and i'm kind of insecure about it um and i don't know it's it just makes

00:50:24.020 me feel some type of way when he's like watching girls that look like me but they're younger makes

00:50:28.680 you be kind of insecure and it makes me not want to like sleep with him because i just feel like

00:50:33.740 i'm not i'm like comparing myself to the girls that he watches on the screen but then he says

00:50:39.200 it's because he does that because i don't sleep with him and i guess i guess it's kind of fair

00:50:45.240 like i'm not trying to but it just then it's kind of a loop because i already kind of feel

00:50:50.060 traumatized around sex but also um i don't know like one of the one of the scenes one of the

00:50:59.760 scenes like he watched was like a gangbang with like a redhead and it just it's like why are you

00:51:06.120 watching that is that something you want like yeah but i told i told her very very very kindly

00:51:11.020 i said um yeah well i looked at that and i had gotten back from the bar and so i was uh inebriated

00:51:16.480 so i couldn't consent so the it's like uh the porn raped my eyes because i apparently when

00:51:22.400 you're drinking anything sexual you do doesn't count why don't you say that i don't know it's

00:51:31.220 just it's like he gives me this attitude and it's it's like one thing because it's it's kind of

00:51:35.600 funny but it's like i don't want to put it it's like i don't know it's it's it's something that

00:51:42.320 was traumatic for me and he just minimizes it like this but i've just gotten kind of so used

00:51:46.420 to hearing it just just to bring it up she's the one that brings it up all the time i just

00:51:50.120 am using it i have dark humor so yeah you know anyways okay okay so here's what i want you guys

00:52:01.960 to work on today i want you to go in opposite directions okay take a break from this conversation

00:52:13.960 and everything that's been revealed maybe you didn't know before today but just take a break

00:52:20.240 from here okay tomorrow daniel i want you to come home instead of going to a bar

00:52:30.020 okay

00:52:33.280 and I want you guys

00:52:37.860 to be committed to

00:52:39.400 one hour

00:52:41.840 of doing something together

00:52:45.940 it could be cooking

00:52:49.260 it could be playing a game

00:52:51.860 together

00:52:52.320 it could be reading a book together

00:52:55.800 you can be talking about

00:52:59.820 future plans it should not be including sex or any comments about them okay one hour there should

00:53:15.880 be no TV phone should be turned off or put away and if you have pets that like attention and you

00:53:26.640 can't seem to have time together, then let's put them outside or somewhere. It's kind of

00:53:33.520 hard to put them outside, but put them somewhere for about one hour. Okay. And when you guys

00:53:43.840 are together, instead of using anger or any other words, I want you to start every sentence

00:53:54.160 with I okay so I feel or I see or I think so if you're playing a game and I

00:54:14.720 don't know what the game would be it's a card game and you feel like the other

00:54:19.180 person's not playing as well or being fair you would say I feel unsure about

00:54:29.940 the way you're playing I feel confused I feel frustrated or whatever the other

00:54:41.180 feeling maybe okay hannah so you're home all day and you sounds like you do a lot of things at home

00:54:54.300 and you work on things um if daniel comes in and he leaves crumb somewhere instead of you

00:55:04.620 feeling frustrated or whatever i want you to turn to him and use another statement

00:55:11.180 I feel I feel what would it be what do you feel I feel unappreciated when you

00:55:21.220 don't clean up the crumbs after eating okay so unappreciated turns it back to

00:55:30.080 back to you so let's say I feel what the motion is he calls in you to feel what

00:55:37.940 is this actually doing oh i feel annoyed when you don't clean up after yourself

00:55:44.900 yeah oh yeah yeah and so if she was to say that

00:55:50.260 how would you respond with another statement

00:56:00.980 she told me that okay um i feel annoyed that you didn't clean your crumbs

00:56:06.740 um genuinely

00:56:11.060 yeah i mean how do i feel i think you're being i think you're being

00:56:22.440 you're being annoying too so so okay but you have to do an i feel statement

00:56:29.640 oh i feel like you're projecting i feel like you're projecting useless anger at me or annoyance

00:56:38.380 because yeah i feel like you're projecting onto me because you're never annoyed by that until

00:56:44.480 after we had a bigger disagreement i feel like this doesn't actually matter you just want to

00:56:49.160 have control and feel like you have something to complain to me about because i'm mad at you

00:56:52.440 that's what I feel like that this is about okay so let's change that so I feel should be a very

00:57:03.000 short succinct statement okay so all of those feelings that you just shared

00:57:09.840 how can you tie that or put that down to just I feel what

00:57:14.620 i guess i feel disrespected

00:57:22.100 interesting both of you said the same thing wow

00:57:30.060 and so the next step would be for you guys and we're not doing it today i want you to think about

00:57:40.360 is why something as simple as crumbs making both of you feel disrespected

00:57:50.200 it's probably bigger issues than the crumbs but i'll think about it and come back next session

00:57:59.800 and i would like for you guys to use that owl

00:58:06.440 starting tomorrow

00:58:08.920 to use i statements and do something fun together okay what do you want to do she has a candle

00:58:20.920 business we're trying to get started and she's already spent seventy thousand dollars on my amex

00:58:26.100 which is another issue we'll bring up later and we she hasn't made a single candle so let's make

00:58:29.620 a candle let's make some of the candles thank you baby i like that you don't you don't have to bring

00:58:35.400 up the other stuff but thank you yeah well maybe we can just work on that i would love to do that

00:58:40.840 thanks so

00:58:43.700 okay so is that something you guys can do in an hour yeah i think so i wanted to try like lavender

00:58:54.700 scents so i'd love that okay so what can you do hannah during the day tomorrow to prepare all that

00:59:04.060 so that the hour can be totally up as gone your time together i think that i can prepare by

00:59:12.460 um i'll make sure the house is clean by the time he gets home and then maybe i'll have food ready

00:59:22.080 and the crumbs already cleaned up so then he doesn't have to do it himself and so then we

00:59:27.340 just not fight about that so i'll make steaks tomorrow and then after we eat we can make our

00:59:35.580 candle would that work do you guys will that work for you yeah

00:59:50.060 okay i'm sorry yeah um sorry sometimes he just makes these faces and i'm like okay

00:59:57.340 but okay yeah i'm ready i can do that

01:00:00.500 okay one other thing when you guys are not communicating now

01:00:08.220 i need you guys to come up with a code word that means to the other person

01:00:15.760 i'm taking a break okay okay so a code word that you both agree on

01:00:24.060 And if one person uses the code word, then both of you have the understanding that you're

01:00:35.020 typing a few minutes prior and then coming back together.

01:00:40.060 Okay.

01:00:41.060 I'll do, I'll do Mayday.

01:00:45.060 Mayday.

01:00:46.060 No, you have to agree on the sign mark.

01:00:48.060 Can it be Mayday?

01:00:49.060 medic oh i could be um she does this thing when like she thinks she she had this weird thing

01:01:04.020 but you already have a word you use when i when she feels like i'm being a like rapey or something

01:01:08.680 in bed she says coconut and she already has a safe word and so it's like don't tell her that

01:01:13.340 don't tell her that but now that's a safe word that's a safe word this is a code word

01:01:20.300 so this is a code word my sister is a pilot okay mayday works that's fine i i don't have

01:01:25.820 i don't have a word so we'll go i just i just like the word mayday my sister is a pilot so

01:01:30.300 well mayday works okay well here okay before y'all decide it needs to be something that you can use

01:01:38.220 used in other places even when your sister may be around oh okay maybe not made in it's not really

01:01:44.980 a normal so maybe it's it's pickle it is oh we could do uh the name of you know something that

01:01:54.420 only you two know let's do potatoes but we are you eat that so we can't use that no but like

01:02:03.300 okay fine maybe not potatoes would be weird to use like epstein or something like uh we're not doing

01:02:08.900 upstein no there's well it could be something yeah you guys have to decide what it is normal

01:02:16.100 conversation i like pickle she said pickle i could do pickle yeah let's go no one would know what

01:02:21.940 that means yeah right and after y'all think about a little bit more you may find something else

01:02:28.820 you know that you like better okay all right so re uh uh carefully back to me what we're doing

01:02:40.340 so we're gonna do an hour tomorrow where we just hang out with each other no phones no pets just

01:02:46.500 spending time together and if we piss each other off we use the word pickle and that means i need

01:02:51.100 a break try it and what do you do how long is the break um an hour i don't know actually i forgot

01:03:02.460 that part five or ten minutes five or ten minutes okay yeah that's probably better

01:03:08.320 and then what do you do and then we talk again use the i the i statement oh yeah the i statements

01:03:18.260 i feel just just know here before we go i've written all this down and i remembered and she

01:03:22.640 already forgot like two 30 seconds later what we were supposed to do i'm just saying this is kind

01:03:26.940 of the problem but but this is good i'm glad we're doing this okay well you didn't need to

01:03:31.200 rub it in you didn't need to rub it in but i'm doing my best okay that's good that's fine so um

01:03:39.600 so we come back together and you complete the conversation using i statements or feeling

01:03:44.960 is greatness okay i can do that got it okay you guys want to role play it

01:03:56.240 yeah well we play yeah uh yeah yeah so we can we can reenact like a normal fight

01:04:04.960 well i don't do a fight it's just like like i say say something you know that pisses me

01:04:09.600 or like say something that you know that would make that that you regularly say that would

01:04:13.920 So if you're making, let's do it this way.

01:04:18.180 You're working on the candles tomorrow.

01:04:20.260 What is something that could go wrong that you may not agree with?

01:04:25.800 I feel sad when you, or I feel frustrated when you get impatient with me.

01:04:35.220 And what would you say?

01:04:36.360 okay tomorrow i guess it's not what i'd normally say uh

01:04:44.680 uh i feel frustrated because i've already spent seventy thousand dollars on this

01:04:54.660 and we know you never make any progress on actually doing what you said you're going to do

01:05:01.020 because somehow you find a way to blame my feelings and emotions for the reason why you cannot

01:05:05.800 put the action into actually getting it going and so we're here again okay I feel as though I'm

01:05:11.920 trying my best right I feel as though I feel sad okay bring it down I feel frustrated because

01:05:22.060 you're making excuses to stop making candles based on my emotional that's good I feel I feel

01:05:30.880 frustrated because i'm doing my best and it's never enough all right pickle pickle

01:05:38.160 okay okay good so then you would go and take a break at this point because she was making you

01:05:48.320 frustrated correct daniel yeah i was actually feeling frustrated there for a second this has

01:05:53.280 happened by the way so it's very uh real and so this is where you would take the break

01:06:01.380 go get a drink of water somebody goes whatever look at the grass somebody else go you know to

01:06:11.160 the kitchen or whatever you need to do give yourselves that five or ten minutes

01:06:15.040 she has a little disabled parakeet with like one little foot it's kind of cute though but you can

01:06:20.920 go there just go he's not just she likes she likes not well you like to go hang out with him so maybe

01:06:25.640 you do that and i and i like to read something i'll just go read a book he's calling my parakeet

01:06:30.120 disabled he's not disabled deformed sorry nice disabled he's not disabled but whatever so

01:06:38.840 okay so you guys decide what it is and you guys decide before the conversation are you taking

01:06:44.760 five minutes for 10 minutes i think 10 minutes yeah for sure now

01:06:52.760 okay all right all right do you guys feel like you can do this i think so

01:07:01.960 okay all right so when you come back next time then we'll talk about how it went

01:07:08.440 and i'd like to know like how many times did you have to take a break

01:07:11.400 and then i want you to tell me about the success okay we can do that um do you want us to repeat

01:07:19.580 this because we'll probably won't come back to like next week or something so or i don't know

01:07:23.640 maybe it would be the end of the week but uh is it should we practice this daily like with

01:07:27.920 something new it's like a daily thing okay daily thing okay yep and if an hour isn't real

01:07:35.600 it for you guys 30 minutes is fine okay yeah we can do that

01:07:40.400 okay so every day at least through the week you don't have to okay and then um do we meet again

01:07:51.340 is is the way it works we meet together again in a week or how does it work

01:07:55.260 normally that's what we do we start out doing weekly okay um and so that we can have you know

01:08:03.340 see quicker progress and quickly checkings and then at some point down to every other week and

01:08:09.620 then um move it out from there how do we do like are our problems common like is this normal stuff

01:08:19.000 or is this abnormal like are most people able to work through it yeah oh it's normal yeah

01:08:24.720 this is normal and

01:08:27.620 obviously a lot of couples go through

01:08:31.760 these kind of bumps

01:08:33.300 and as long as they're willing to work

01:08:35.420 and being honest with each other and really doing it

01:08:38.240 then it usually works out

01:08:40.580 sounds good

01:08:41.920 I don't have anything else

01:08:43.840 any other questions

01:08:44.580 this is a good place to kick off

01:08:46.760 and it sounds stupid

01:08:49.720 because it's so small

01:08:50.680 but that's where we're at

01:08:52.120 so i i mean it's not stupid at all okay well i'm really i'm willing to work if you are

01:09:03.800 yeah he has said he is a couple of times

01:09:10.040 okay all right take a break from each other tonight okay okay all right sounds good thank

01:09:16.920 Thank you so much.

01:09:17.760 Thank you.

01:09:19.540 Do you guys want me to set up the schedule?

01:09:21.520 No, we'll call in

01:09:22.720 because I'm going to be in New York this weekend

01:09:24.380 and I don't know if I'm getting back on Wednesday or Monday.

01:09:26.680 So I'll just figure, I'll know by tomorrow.

01:09:29.200 So I'll be able to call in and set it up.

01:09:31.660 Great, sounds perfect.

01:09:34.000 All right, great guys.

01:09:35.200 Thank you.

01:09:36.040 Thank you.

01:09:36.880 See you later.

01:09:38.720 I'm so sorry.

01:09:39.640 I'm so sorry.

01:09:41.360 You're so funny.

01:09:43.880 You were so funny, I couldn't stop.

01:09:47.860 Pickle.

01:09:49.940 Okay, wait, so here's what we got.

01:09:52.420 I've got a winning in this because I cheated, right?

01:09:55.180 Now he paid money for therapy

01:09:56.820 and now he has to spend more time with me

01:09:59.320 doing what I want.

01:10:00.460 This is awesome.

01:10:01.860 Yeah, and...

01:10:02.480 I love therapy.

01:10:04.240 No, but there's several things.

01:10:05.640 She kind of took my side a little bit.

01:10:06.840 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

01:10:08.620 There's several things that she took your side.

01:10:10.440 Number one, reversing from the end,

01:10:13.520 she told us, this is a huge deal.

01:10:15.540 like my wife clearly cheated on me with a black ex-boyfriend and she called it bump a bump

01:10:23.860 you know what i mean and by the way i've gone to real marriage counseling i've i've i've gone

01:10:30.820 i'm gonna tell you this i've gone and i have a lot of friends who've gone to marriage counseling

01:10:34.560 who've cheated and stuff like that or had infidelity i've gone with the alleged accusation

01:10:39.220 that there's been unfaithfulness i'm gonna tell you this wait should we do another one the other

01:10:43.940 way around yeah maybe yeah well maybe but listen but but i'm telling you this they do not call it

01:10:49.000 a bump and i've been a multiple marriage counselors they call it betrayal broken promises uh broken

01:10:55.040 promises uh you've lost her trust it's all about you and you you know you've you've you've

01:11:01.600 undermined a contract and and if a krishna commitment before god an eternal vow and it's

01:11:07.380 very grave sin for a man to cheat but i've had a lot of men go to counseling and the woman's done

01:11:13.300 something and it's always a bump a mistake and also going back one more step the other key thing

01:11:19.120 too is it so when we're talking about this how we feel about my wife getting dicked down by another

01:11:24.280 man it's clearly you both have trauma and you both have issues and you're gonna have to both work on

01:11:29.160 it she she agreed she has trauma from cheating on me and as a guy you never they never say like

01:11:35.320 have you ever thought how he feels about fucking a hot bitch you ever thought that he feels like

01:11:40.000 that and she also didn't bring up any issues she never said there was any problems because obviously

01:11:45.280 us not having sex is the girl's fault but it's because you're doing it because you cheated

01:11:50.320 it's also not brought up we never discussed it's not even an issue it's just like oh we didn't

01:11:55.840 care about the porn about anything there's nothing it's let's say the word pickle and play candle

01:12:00.800 candle maker that's crazy we paid 200 for someone to tell us to say pickle to each other

01:12:10.000 I love therapy. This is great. So I get to cheat. I get to cheat. He has to spend more time with me. So not only you got to think of men's time is money. And like the last thing, all the things that she said that he has to do with me are completely like boring to me.

01:12:26.580 Like, men don't want to play a game.

01:12:28.740 They don't want to make a candle.

01:12:30.460 They don't want to cook with you.

01:12:31.700 Like, they just kind of want to be in there.

01:12:33.040 Like, that's like the equivalent of that

01:12:35.240 is you want to watch him like sit in a room

01:12:37.260 and say nothing while he plays video games.

01:12:39.140 Like that's the equivalent of the therapy.

01:12:41.300 But the therapy has prescribed him

01:12:43.540 to do some stupid shit with me every day.

01:12:46.800 Oh, I love marriage.

01:12:48.580 The suggestion was doing a girl focused activity.

01:12:53.580 So you don't play a game or a craft.

01:12:55.400 Cause I'm like, what man comes home is like,

01:12:56.740 let's play a board game.

01:12:58.020 It's all based on the woman, what she wants to do.

01:13:01.260 And on top of that, I think one of the best parts was

01:13:05.980 is if in this kind of situation,

01:13:11.800 there was some issue,

01:13:13.060 we didn't say we have an issue communicating.

01:13:15.640 We didn't say we had an issue spending time together.

01:13:18.060 We didn't say anything.

01:13:18.900 We have trust issues, infidelity,

01:13:22.640 and problems that stem from a female.

01:13:24.240 Everything we mentioned stems from her.

01:13:26.220 It's her complaints, her issues,

01:13:28.520 and it all started when she did something allegedly wrong.

01:13:31.960 I love marriage.

01:13:32.800 But yet, we're equal in this,

01:13:35.060 and I'm just asked to play in this, or more.

01:13:37.480 Maybe I should get married.

01:13:38.480 I need to leave this.

01:13:40.600 Maybe I should, yeah, let's do it.

01:13:42.420 Yeah, so the point is that even in the most,

01:13:44.920 this is my takeaway as the man,

01:13:47.060 even the most obvious issue,

01:13:49.000 which the correct advice would be,

01:13:52.380 your wife is a bitch whore,

01:13:53.620 whether she got raped or not, you cannot trust her.

01:13:56.880 And she's a woman and she cheated with a boyfriend.

01:13:58.800 That's the key.

01:13:59.640 There's a boyfriend, not a random man or something.

01:14:01.020 The rape is more believable if it was a random guy.

01:14:02.920 The stranger, you'd say,

01:14:04.280 I don't even know what you put in my drink.

01:14:05.520 If she said like, I have two drinks,

01:14:06.960 I don't know what you put in it.

01:14:08.080 I just missed it.

01:14:09.680 How did her boyfriend know about,

01:14:11.100 she didn't ask her, how did her boyfriend know you were there?

01:14:12.960 Did you text him and tell him

01:14:14.200 obviously you were gonna be there?

01:14:15.520 There's clearly a previous relationship,

01:14:17.380 continued conversation.

01:14:18.980 And she could have, there was no question.

01:14:21.280 Like, did she, did you delete your responses?

01:14:23.380 you do this it's all just like okay whatever do crafts guys by the way these videos are expensive

01:14:28.980 so send um send him likes obviously he's gonna pay um for therapy you know pay what's your paypal

01:14:36.580 no uh my roommate's paying for all this because i'm currently in custody and divorce court and

01:14:40.820 i have no money okay so i have no money so my roommate's paying send it to my roommates paypal

01:14:45.540 or whatever put links in the description yeah you guys you got a paypal because each video

01:14:49.860 we're a bunch of brokies now so 200 bucks an hour this is getting expensive

01:14:56.820 we're charged about a minute of the hour that was an hour and five minutes

01:14:59.540 we're a bunch of has-beens so you know

01:15:05.380 let me go to counseling for what do you do as a failed failed creator who once was

01:15:09.380 but never can be again uh all right guys well thank you anyways don't get married

01:15:14.180 no i mean ladies get married immediately this is great

01:15:18.180 yeah and this is why by the way here's my last statement this is why girls say my guy always

01:15:22.980 complains that there's no mental health um support for men i tell him to go to therapy and he says

01:15:28.900 he doesn't want to do that it's like yeah because men don't solve their problems by just talking

01:15:34.260 about them they want to meet all i need to know is did she get raped or not and then i want to make a

01:15:39.860 decision is she a and it's it ends today i move out today or was she raped and then she can go

01:15:46.500 to therapy and counseling i can talk to my pastor and i can figure out either way

01:15:52.660 what was the rape did she really like physically get forcibly raped or was it a

01:15:57.140 rape and me too rape and i'll still probably leave and should leave i i think next time

01:16:03.940 i'm sorry i'll try to keep the student base you're so funny

01:16:07.300 they said that all uh political social commentators were failed actors

01:16:14.240 failed at what thank you one of us didn't crack well i wasn't an actress so i've also had a lot

01:16:23.680 of experience in marriage counseling so learn the hard way this is my first one i loved it

01:16:28.560 i had a great time so you actually had fun i had a great time because i got to talk about my trauma

01:16:34.740 So that was one, I got to talk about my trauma,

01:16:37.060 talk about the rape.

01:16:37.960 I love, we're women, we love talking about rape.

01:16:40.920 So that was great.

01:16:42.160 I got to be the victim.

01:16:43.840 So she got to tell me that like I was traumatized

01:16:47.200 or whatever, and that was awesome.

01:16:48.700 And she had to acknowledge that I'm a victim

01:16:51.340 and sad, whatever.

01:16:52.180 It's a good thing women are going to college.

01:16:54.180 You go to school for six years as a woman

01:16:55.660 to tell couples for $200 an hour, say the word pickle.

01:16:58.980 Then I get prescribed.

01:17:00.540 Six years of education.

01:17:01.900 So then I got two things out of this.

01:17:03.340 I get prescribed, he has to hang out

01:17:04.740 with me every day yay and i get to tell him to shut up by saying pickle that's amazing and by the

01:17:11.380 way yeah whenever he has anything good see pickle no no no no no no no no no no remind writing you

01:17:17.940 remind you about tomorrow reminding you about tomorrow reminding you about tomorrow she's

01:17:22.580 gonna do the same thing she always does but i have to not go to the bar my life already has to change

01:17:28.980 to fit her life to solve her problems i don't get to do what i want i could do what she wants

01:17:34.740 I love marriage.

01:17:36.500 And the key thing I said was like,

01:17:37.700 I'm trying to fix her mistakes.

01:17:38.960 So like our activity is fixing another one of her lies,

01:17:42.280 deceptions and abuse of my finances.

01:17:44.580 Isn't that crazy?

01:17:45.420 I love marriage.

01:17:46.940 She's totally cool with that.

01:17:47.860 It's like, oh yeah.

01:17:49.460 Cool, you waste the 70 grand of his money,

01:17:50.980 the candle business.

01:17:53.020 That's a good one.

01:17:54.720 We should go get like one of those saint candles

01:17:56.920 to print out with you like his mother Mary,

01:17:58.380 virgin Mary's money.

01:17:59.220 She put this on the front and it's like, it's weird.

01:18:01.520 I think the next video-

01:18:02.360 Sacrilegious Candles.

01:18:03.300 at your company called sac religious candles because i'm a christian we should come back

01:18:07.140 next week and say that he cheated in the week and i'll just say yeah he so this is a guy it didn't

01:18:18.820 count no we could just do the service stock and i'll be like look oh sorry um you can edit that

01:18:27.300 out but okay next week we should come back and i should say he cheated with this blonde girl at

01:18:33.620 work and in between the counseling sessions is crazy i said pickle and he stormed out of the

01:18:41.440 house and cheated on me he went to new york i cheated on her in new york that's not bad

01:18:49.800 but we'll consider that we should wait two weeks and in two weeks we'll say we have a setback

01:18:55.200 cry and see if it's reacting to the same oh my god i love youtube this is so fun

01:19:07.600 all right guys we'll see you later all right bye i should cheat on you

Pearl - September 30, 2026

Pearl & Elijah GO To Couples Therapy!

Episode Stats

Transcript