Tate on Jamaica
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
235.94498
Summary
In this episode I tell the story of my first trip to Jamaica and how I ended up getting shot in the head by a crazy Jamaican man. I also talk about the time I went to a strip club with a guy who thought I wanted to fuck a Jamaican girl. I know it sounds crazy, but it's not. I don't know what else to say. I'll tell you what I did to get out of it and how it almost killed me. I'm sorry about the audio quality in this episode, I'm still getting used to it. I hope you enjoy the story and don't get hurt in any way by it. I've been to Jamaica before and I'll never go there again. It's a dangerous place and I'm not looking forward to going there again, but I can take a bullet for a good time. I'll see you in the next episode. Love ya. xoxo -P.S. Sorry for the bad audio quality, it's a little choppy in this one. I promise it'll get better the next time. -Theres a new episode coming soon. -p.s. Sorry about the background music in the beginning of the episode. I had to edit it a little bit. I was trying to keep it as loud as possible. I didn't edit it so it won't be as choppy as it is in the first episode. - Sorry about that. - I know you'll get a chance to hear it in the second episode :) - I'll be working on the next one, I promise. XOXO - P.S.. -XOXO -PODCASTCAST -Jamaica - - P.B.A. - PODCAST - BONUS EPISODE - JUICY - JAMUCCY - JAMAICA - SONGS - CHEESE - XO - LAURENS - DANGER - I LOVE YOU! JAWNSYCH - ENJOYING THIS EPISODES - GOOGLE - :D - (Jamaican - , ( ) ) - JACOB - WELL DOG - KELLY - GOSTRO CHEER, BABY, POTTER - TAYLOR -
Transcript
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I'm going to tell you my story about Jamaica. I've been to Jamaica once in my life and I will
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never go there again. So I had some business in Jamaica. I was put in a very nice hotel.
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When you get to the hotel, they say, we have restaurants, we have clubs, we have everything
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inside the hotel. Don't leave the hotel. We have everything you want here. And it was fine for the
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first couple of days. But after a while of seeing fat Americans overindulge on the buffet and go into
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this club, which was garbage, as I'm sure you can imagine, you get pissed off with sitting in the
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fucking golden prison and you decide to go and explore for yourself. So I said, fuck it. I'm in
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Jamaica. I'm going to go find some actual Jamaican fun. I know some Jamaican brothers in London.
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They're a little bit crazy, but I don't know. Jamaica is a dangerous place, but whatever. I'm a dangerous
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guy. A bullet probably wouldn't kill me. Five might, but I can take one. So I decided to go
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out exploring in Jamaica. So I go up to the reception and say, I need a taxi. I'm going to
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do my Jamaican accent. She goes, I can't do it. I'm smiling. She goes, what do you need a taxi for?
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I said, I'm going to go out and look around Jamaica. She goes, no, don't, don't do that.
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Stay in the hotel. We have, we have bar in the hotel. I was like, no, no, no. So she wouldn't give me a
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taxi. So I'm like, fuck you then. Reception literally wouldn't order me a taxi. So I walk out,
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out the hotel, down the long road, all the way out to the main road. I think I'll find my own
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fucking taxi. See a taxi. I wave, dude stops. I said, bro, I'm going to go. I want to go have
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some fun. He goes, get in the car, man. I show you're on the Island. We have fun. I was like,
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all right, cool. So I get in the car. I said, what's your name? I said, Andrew. And then I go,
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you? And he goes, Grim. I said, Grim. He goes, yeah, Grim Reaper. I started laughing. And I was
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just like, ha ha. Yeah. All right. Grim Reaper. This is a warning. When a dude tells you his name's
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Grim Reaper, you should get out the fucking car. But me being my arrogant jackass self, I'm like,
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all right, Grim. Cool. So we're driving. Anyway, Grim's accent was so thick. He had that Jamaican
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accent and he spoke in that Patois. It was so thick. I couldn't understand the guy. He had this
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music on, this hard vibes cartel, like loud music. And he's talking shit. And I have no idea what he's
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saying. So he's saying, where do you want to go? And I'm like, bro, I want to party. He's like,
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what kind of party? You like girls? And I know from being in all these countries, I've been to 72
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countries. Taxi drivers say, do you like girls? And when you say yes, they take you to strip clubs
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to get commission. But I also know Jamaica is super homophobic. So I can't say, no, I don't like
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girls. And I also don't want to go to a fucking Jamaican strip club. So I'm like, yeah, I like
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girls, but I don't want to go to a strip club. I want to go find some normal girls. I didn't actually
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care about girls. I'm not really looking to fuck a Jamaican chick. I just wanted to look around a bit,
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but you can't say to a Jamaican guy, I don't like girls. You're going to get shot in the head.
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He's like, yeah, I like girls, but I don't want to go to a strip club. Anyway, so he starts
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ranting off. Talking, talking, talking. And he was driving like a fucking idiot. So I'm focusing
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on the road thinking maybe I'm going to have to grab the wheel or some shit. This motherfucker's
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about to kill me. Talking shit. And when he finishes, he pulls out about 5,000 American
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from his fucking pocket, one of those pockets on his shirt. And he goes, you like that? I have no
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idea to this day what he said. He must've talked for about two minutes. And he pulled out the money
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and he goes, you like that? I like money. So I was like, yeah, I like that. He goes,
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I party with you all night. I was like, okay, fine. So by saying, yeah, I like that. I agree.
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Grimm's going to come party with me. So he pulls up at this club, the best club in Jamaica, blah,
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blah, blah, blah, blah. We go in there. I am mixed race. I may as well have been Ed Sheeran
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up in this motherfucker. It was black. I'm not being racist. It was black. The music was black.
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The lights were low. You couldn't see nobody's face. It was just black. Everyone in there
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probably had a gun. Everyone knew the dances. A song would come on. Everyone's doing the same
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dance. I'm standing there completely out of place. I walk in there and within precisely
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seven seconds, I want to go. And it took only seven seconds for Grimm's stupid ass to order
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a bottle of Chivas Regal, which I don't even fucking drink. They brought the bottle over to
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me. I could see on the wall, the price of the bottle, but the bill said double because I'm
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obviously fucking too white for this fucking place. And, and Grimm just hands me the bill
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while he opens up the bottle. So I'm like, all right, whatever. So I pay for the bottle
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for Grimm. He starts sipping away on this Chivas. I'm sitting there. I'm standing up against
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the wall so no one can attack me from behind. Just looking at this club thinking, not only
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do I not belong here, I'm definitely a little bit intimidated and there's definitely no fun
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for me here. There's no action for me here. But I don't want to just say to Grimm, I'm
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going because I need him to drive me home. I don't know where the fuck I am. There's
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no other taxis outside. So I have to let Grimm have his fun. So we hung out for maybe
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20 minutes. Grimm's punk ass. And listen, if you're black and you're watching this,
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don't get offended. Black people can't drink. They all think they can drink. Black people
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can't drink. I live in Romania. I've gone to Russia. White people can drink. You can sit
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with a Russian man, do three bottles of vodka. It's fine. Soon as a fucking black person
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starts touching alcohol, they all start getting out of control and rowdy. That's why they're
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fucking fighting and shooting each other and shit. This motherfucker starts stringing
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his shiv ass. He wants to have about four or five drinks. Drunk out of his mind. So
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I say to him, look, Grimm, let's go. Why you want to go to a party just starting, boy?
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I'm like, bruv, I didn't want to leave. I got to go back to my hotel, got a meeting,
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start talking some shit. He's like, okay, I take you to a better party. You don't like
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the party here, boy. I take you to a better party. I'm like, all right, Grimm, let's
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go. As long as you get me the fuck out of here, let's go. So we leave, we get in
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this car. Grimm is drunk. Drunk as a motherfucker, driving like, putting his face closer to
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the road so he can see it better. That level of fucking drunk. Grimm is hammered. So he's
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driving the car at like 15 miles an hour. You know Jamaicans take everything slow.
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This motherfucker's going slow. I'm like, bro, just take me back to the hotel. I'm done
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with parties tonight. He goes, nah, boy, I think I did a best party on the island. Now
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it's late. It's party time now. You go out at 10 o'clock. Now it's midnight. Now
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it's party time. All this shit. I was like, all right, fine. Fuck it. Take me. Fine.
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Whatever. He was refusing to take me home. I was like, fine. Take me to this party. So
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we're in this car. We're driving. We're driving. Anyway, we start driving up this
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dirt hill, driving up this hill, driving up this hill, driving up this hill. We're
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driving up this hill for like 10 minutes, dirt track hill in the middle of the forest
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on both sides. And I didn't clock instantly. Maybe it's because I had a few drinks, but
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then I clocked and thought, this motherfucker's about to rob me. There's no fucking club
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up here. I'm about to get robbed. I mean, me, Mr. Stupid, wearing my fucking nice watching
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shit. So I was like, all right, cool. I'm about to get robbed. I've been robbed before.
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You know, like I'm a professional athlete. I can fight, but also I know my limitations.
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You want to take my shit? Take my shit. Whatever. I don't care. I'll buy new shit. So there's
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no ego attached. Most people die in muggings because of ego. You want my phone? Take my
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phone. If you tell me you're going to kill me, I'm going to attack you. But if you like,
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just give me your phone and I'll leave. Oh, here, bye. Anyway, so I was like, he's going to
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rob me. So I was like, Grim, where are we going, bro? We're not going to no fucking
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club. I ain't stupid. He goes, I didn't see a club boy. I said a party. And that kind
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of gave me, you know what? That actually made me feel a little bit better when he said it.
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I thought maybe there is a party up here. Maybe I'm fucking freaking out. So we get up
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to the top of this hill and it was a party. This was Grim's party. It was two rickety
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ass fucking street lamps, dimly lighting a fucking clearing in this forest. There was an old
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dude sitting on a cooler and the cooler had some drinks in it. There was a shitty old
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beatbox from 1988 playing the kind of ragga shit you've never heard outside of Jamaica.
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And there was about 20 Jamaican dudes, no girls. That's it. That's the party. Grim goes, we're
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here. I was like, Grim, let's go. And before I could even say, let's, this is shit. Take
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me home. He'd already stepped out of the car and started walking off. All right. So what
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can you do? What can you, you can't just sit in the car like a bitch. Everyone's looking
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at you now because you know, you've driven up to this party. Everyone's staring at you.
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So go get out of the fucking car. What else are you going to do? So I get out of the car.
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I must've got out of the car about four seconds after Grim. After I looked around, analyzed
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my options. I looked at if there's a key in the car, if I can steal the car. Then I was
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like, no, okay. Looked on me. What are they going to rob me? If they robbed me, I got
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about a thousand US. Analyzed everything in about three seconds. Decided the best thing to
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do is get out of the car. Got out of the car. And within those three or four seconds,
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Grim had vanished. Grim is now gone. Like a ghost into the fucking night. I look around
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and I cannot see Grim. So it's just me at this party. Like, okay. So there's, I'm kind
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of like, well, where do I stand? What do I do? There's this shed, this shitty shed. And
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I have the same philosophy everywhere I go. I don't want to be attacked from behind. If
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you're going to kill me, I need to at least see it coming. So I decide to go stand up against
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the shed. So I go stand up against the shed. I'm standing there trying to pretend I'm just
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like chilling. And all the dudes are looking at each other and then looking at me and
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Jamaicans, they're not subtle. Jamaicans are not subtle people at all. So they made it
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very clear what they were doing. They were asking, who knows this guy? Can I rob him?
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Like, is he a police? Who the fuck is this dude? So they're like, him, him, you know,
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who did it? Like literally being super obvious. Who the fuck is, if he's your friend, if I shoot
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him, are you going to be mad? So I was talking to each other about me. I'm just sitting there.
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And obviously as a professional athlete, especially in fighting, you get a poker face. That's
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your whole job is you have a poker face. So I sat there and thought, my only thing I
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can do is keep the poker face on. I have to pretend I don't give a fuck. I got to pretend
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I'm so comfortable here. I got to have the poker face like, like you do before a world
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title fight for a world title fight. You're scared, but you just keep it. You keep that
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straight face. So I'm chilling straight faced, whatever, whatever. Anyway, there's these two
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dudes, the two biggest guys. I'm six foot three and a half. These dudes must be about
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six, five. Both of them. Wearing the string vests, lean like me, built. They start talking
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and they're the ones who are most overtly pointing at me and like checking if, you know,
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I'm, I'm, I'm okay to be a target. I can't say for a hundred percent certain because it
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was about 10 meters out in the dark, but I will say with 99% certainty, there was a pistol
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in his belt. I analyzed him for head to toe and I looked in his belt and I saw there's a
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fucking, there's a pistol. If someone say, would you bet your life on it? And say, yeah,
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there's a pistol. So I knew this is an unwinnable fight. So I was like, okay, my plan is this
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while I was looking at his belt and the pistol, someone started walking down the hill. So I
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said to myself, next time someone starts walking down the hill, I'm just going to walk with
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that person and pretend I know that person. And if I can convince that one person not
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to kill me, then that lowers my odds. Instead of having to convince everyone not to kill
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me, I was convinced one guy to not kill me. So next time someone leaves, I'm walking
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down the hill. These two dudes are about to fucking attack me. Anyway, I'm literally
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looking at the hill and thinking, that's my plan. And I hear, yo, and I turn to the
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side, this fucking grip and he stinks of weed, stinking of weed out of his fucking mind.
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He goes to me, you having fun, boy? I was like, no, I said, it's all right. I didn't
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say no. I thought no. I said, it's all right, man. I need to get back. I've got people waiting
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for me. That's what I said. You know, the typical basic tricks, you know, he goes, you want
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the taxi home? I was like, yeah. He goes, $1,000. He's like, $1,000, what? Jamaican?
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Remember, I paid this guy 10 Jamaican dollars. That's what, like three bucks to get this
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far. He goes, no, $1,000 American dollar. I leave you here with my boys. So it was all
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a big setup from the beginning. I said, my friend, I've got about $700 on me. I spent
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the rest on your fucking Shiva's. He goes, I'll tell you what. I take your home for $700.
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I wait outside. You bring me the other $300 or you'll never make it off Jamaica. I look
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him in the eyes. I said, Grim, you motherfucker. I said, you know what? Deal. We get back in
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the car. It wasn't even Animal City. We get back in the car. It was like men understand
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the reality of the world. I can't be mad at Grim. Grim does what Grim does. I walked into
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it. I get back in the car. He goes to me. No. He goes, the party not finished for me,
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boy starts putting music on. He's my friend again. Everything's fine. Go back to the
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hotel. And I thought, okay, I'm at the hotel now. I cannot pay him. I can fucking call the
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police. I can be a little bitch. Like most white boys would do. That's what a white boy
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would do. I'm being racist now, but it's true. Little bitch ass tourists, little fucking
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little pussy who run away from the car. Grim tried to rob me. You know what? I have honor.
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Grim, he pulled a scam and it worked. And he did save me from basically getting my brains
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blown out. So I thought, you know what, Grim? Here's 700. He said, do you want that other
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300? I'll go get it if you want it. And Grim turned to me and goes, don't worry about it,
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boy. That's enough. Have a good time in Jamaica. He's like, thank you. Well, the end of the
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story is this. I had one of the guys who cleaned my room and every time he cleaned my room, because
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I was in an all-inclusive unlimited alcohol, I'd give him all the alcohol for my room because
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they'd refill it for free. So I'd say, take all the beer, take all the vodka. It's yours. I don't
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care because they refill it. And what surprised me, he goes, no one's ever done this for me
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before. I work here 10 years. It's like, it's free. Why the fuck would I care? Because
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people are stingy and stupid, whereas I'm not. So this guy, I told him my story. He
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goes, you are the luckiest man in Jamaica. He goes, you don't know. They kill tourists
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because if they get caught robbing a tourist, they do the same time as murder. They always
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kill tourists. They would have definitely buried you in the ground. No one fined you for
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years. They never let you go and give police report. You're the luckiest man in the