Tate Speech


THE UNHAPPIEST MAN AT THE BEACH | Tate Confidential Ep. 60


Summary

This episode is about a party gone wrong, and the fallout from that party, and how it may have been the biggest disaster of all time. Also, a new episode about Domino's, and why Rory should have been allowed to have a bit of pizza on a Friday night. And a story about a sister of Kanye West's who thinks Rory is mean to them. This episode is brought to you by Gimlet Media and produced by Riley Bray. If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, and we'll read out your comments and thoughts on the next episode. Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to us and we can't wait to do more of these. Love ya, bye. xoxo - Rob & Rory xo - Tom & Luke xo Music: The Smiths - "Don't Know Me" by Zapsplat (feat. Jeffree Starboy) Art: "I'm a Starboy" by Fountains of Wayne (ft. Eddy) - "Goodbye Outer Space" by Ian Dorsch and "Outer Space Warning" by Puff & Steph (Feat. Rob & Steph) - "Papa John" - "In My Mind" by Lizzie (Ferg & Steph is outtro: "A Little Late" by Jeffree Stars - "I'll See You Soon" by Jai Courtney - "Solo" by Squeen (featuring a certain someone from the band "Breezy" by The Goodfellas - "Feat_ ) Thank You" by & , by . is a song written and performed by , and in tribute to the late, great singer-songwriter, - and , "I've Got Your Back" by the band, "It's Too Effing Goodby featuring , & from . . And , featuring ! Can't wait for you to send us a review? so we can make a song about it? (and or not? , can you do it ? can you help us out? and it's not too good? & we'll send it to us?


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Good shot there from Tate!
00:00:02.000 A lot of people say girls love money and that's not entirely true.
00:00:20.000 I am a star.
00:00:40.000 I'm a stone cold loser.
00:00:42.000 You're not. Look.
00:00:45.000 Stone cold.
00:00:46.000 You've been saying this all day. It doesn't make sense.
00:00:49.000 It makes sense.
00:00:51.000 Yesterday, in the spirit of having my party full of girls, I invited all the girls I know, and they started talking to each other.
00:01:02.000 I'm a stone cold loser.
00:01:03.000 Kristen accidentally created the worst mental disaster in the history of humanity.
00:01:08.000 Basically, it was like an avalanche.
00:01:10.000 All the anger and hatred for me piled up throughout the night until I was relaxing in the jacuzzi with my 60th drink.
00:01:19.000 And then it all exploded.
00:01:21.000 Do you remember the tsunami?
00:01:23.000 I remember part of the tsunami.
00:01:24.000 I remember the end. That's what happened yesterday.
00:01:26.000 That's what happened yesterday, but worse.
00:01:27.000 First to create the worst natural disaster in the history of humanity with girls.
00:01:30.000 They were all mad at me.
00:01:32.000 We were having sex with all these girls.
00:01:34.000 Why did you invite me? And I was like, well, you're all equally as invited as the other one.
00:01:41.000 Anyway, it was a disaster.
00:01:42.000 I'm a stone-cold loser. Stop filming me.
00:01:45.000 I'm too depressed. You're not.
00:01:48.000 Hello? What do you mean we're not going?
00:01:50.000 We're not going where? Say the name.
00:01:53.000 I've got ten girls at the beach sitting in Miami.
00:01:56.000 Maybe we should go. I think we should go.
00:01:59.000 Tristan, Amaya. Doesn't it sound good?
00:02:02.000 Amaya. Amaya.
00:02:05.000 Mamaya. Tristan, we can go there and stop boozing.
00:02:10.000 You've been drinking for three days.
00:02:13.000 Yes! Three days of non-stop boozing.
00:02:18.000 Non-stop. Stop it. When you dance with the devil, you wait for the music to stop.
00:02:24.000 There's no music. Listen, let's go to Mamaya.
00:02:26.000 There might be music for Mamaya. Exactly.
00:02:30.000 Find out who invited you to the movies.
00:02:37.000 I'm going to Alabama.
00:02:45.000 I keep telling Andrew, by the way.
00:02:47.000 You can record or not.
00:02:49.000 I keep telling Andrew I'm going to Alabama.
00:02:50.000 I feel like my troubles will be alleviated.
00:02:53.000 You're not going out, though.
00:02:54.000 I'm going to smile. There's nothing for you.
00:02:57.000 There's not.
00:02:58.000 That'd be very boring.
00:03:02.000 It's probably horrible.
00:03:21.000 Knew it. Probably can't go on take confidential, can it?
00:03:27.000 No, I think they can blur it out.
00:03:29.000 Oh, yeah, well if anyone knows what it is, I don't.
00:03:32.000 So Rob...
00:03:39.000 Amazing.
00:03:40.000 This is from a sister of Kanye, one of my colleagues.
00:03:43.000 Rory, who was it?
00:03:44.000 This is Oprah.
00:03:45.000 Uh, they think I'm mean to them.
00:03:47.000 Absolutely terrible.
00:03:49.000 Rory. Why do you do this?
00:03:54.000 No. What?
00:03:57.000 What now? Oh, not allowed a bit of pizza on a Friday night.
00:04:02.000 You have Domino's every single day.
00:04:05.000 Well, I was going to have it yesterday. Tristan beat me and took it off.
00:04:08.000 That's what I mean. We're trying to stop this.
00:04:11.000 Who's trying to stop what?
00:04:13.000 We're trying to stop the Domino's inflow into this house.
00:04:16.000 We! We, everybody!
00:04:18.000 Why do you think you got kicked out yesterday?
00:04:20.000 Get in the fuck out!
00:04:22.000 Get in the fuck out of my party!
00:04:23.000 Get him out! Get him out!
00:04:25.000 Get him out! Get the fuck out!
00:04:27.000 You! You! And your fucking Domino's!
00:04:30.000 You're fucking stupid!
00:04:32.000 Get the fuck out! Why are you trying to ruin my party?
00:04:35.000 Are you out of your fucking mind?
00:04:37.000 Fuck off! Fuck off!
00:04:40.000 Come on guys, get in! Fuck this guy!
00:04:42.000 Yeah, Rory's a cunt, isn't he?
00:04:44.000 Yeah, what are you doing?
00:04:45.000 Order fucking dominoes!
00:04:47.000 That was yesterday. The party's on, Vars, and I'm allowed now.
00:04:51.000 I'm really interested. Anyway, enough.
00:04:53.000 Do you want a cookie? Yeah, I'll have a cookie.
00:04:56.000 Well, that's that.
00:04:58.000 Rory owns the house. Rory owns the house, doesn't he?
00:05:02.000 Come and tuck in, boys.
00:05:04.000 There's enough for everyone.
00:05:06.000 I've got to remember what you've owned in that house.
00:05:10.000 Doesn't it look delicious? It does smell good.
00:05:12.000 Does it not look delicious?
00:05:14.000 Tell me it doesn't look delicious.
00:05:17.000 It does look quite good.
00:05:20.000 Look at this. Look how many ingredients are on it.
00:05:24.000 Look at the stuffed crust. Jesus, get in there.
00:05:27.000 Get right inside there.
00:05:32.000 Rory, it's actually every day though.
00:05:35.000 It's literally every single day.
00:05:37.000 Every day. Someone said, It's going to kill you one day, but isn't life going to kill me one day anyway?
00:05:44.000 Yep. So you may as well eat your fucking pizza.
00:05:46.000 I may as well enjoy it. I think we can all conclude this is Luke's fault.
00:05:52.000 Yeah. How is this my fault?
00:05:54.000 It's Luke's fault. Kind of your fault, Luke.
00:05:57.000 May the Innocent be given the gift of eternal life.
00:06:02.000 Is Andrew going to suggest going to Mamiya?
00:06:25.000 Yes. That is his plan.
00:06:26.000 Yes, that's the plan. We're all going to Mamiya.
00:06:28.000 I'm not going. We are.
00:06:30.000 No, I'm not. Hours and hours and hours of traffic to sit in the LDSC sign.
00:06:35.000 I'd rather go to Brash, Hawaii, or other places I need to be.
00:06:37.000 But it'll be fun. Nope.
00:06:40.000 But Mamiya, that's where everyone wants to go.
00:06:42.000 Have fun. But that's where everyone wants to go.
00:06:45.000 Good. Go. Have fun. No, but you're a part of everybody.
00:06:48.000 No, I'm not. You are.
00:06:49.000 Are you a person? Are you part of the human race?
00:06:53.000 No. Are you a human?
00:06:55.000 No. Alright, he might actually not be human, but everybody, including non-humans, wants to go to Mamiya.
00:07:03.000 Everyone watching this right now would love to go to Mamiya.
00:07:05.000 They all would love to go.
00:07:09.000 You can't make me.
00:07:12.000 I suppose we go to Vamabeche.
00:07:14.000 No. Everyone I've ever asked...
00:07:23.000 You have to go get to get a fair trial.
00:07:25.000 If you don't go on a Saturday, I mean everywhere is shit.
00:07:27.000 Saturday is not real. But Tristan, we need you.
00:07:35.000 We do. You don't make me drive down to the fucking...
00:07:40.000 I was gonna say Mamaya, but that's even worse.
00:07:43.000 I'd rather go to Mamaya, and your chances of convincing you to go to Mamaya are zero percent.
00:07:47.000 We had a rule. Don't say Mamaya to each other.
00:07:49.000 I'm not saying Mamaya, I'm saying Bamabecha.
00:07:51.000 Oh, the crappier one. I don't know, is it crappier one?
00:07:53.000 Yeah, it's families. It's Black Sea for families.
00:07:56.000 It is. It's Black Sea for families.
00:07:58.000 I don't know what stories you've been watching.
00:08:01.000 All the clubs, all the stuff for the young people, or anyone with monies in Mamaya.
00:08:05.000 It's like fucking...
00:08:06.000 Well in that case...
00:08:07.000 Like for families and shit.
00:08:11.000 Like, less to ask.
00:08:13.000 Same call.
00:08:14.000 Shit.
00:08:15.000 Maybe it's not. Maybe it's a secret gem.
00:08:18.000 Like...
00:08:20.000 Bye.
00:08:21.000 So it could be the secret gem.
00:08:23.000 I'm gonna buy us more cookies while you convince Tristan.
00:08:25.000 Convince Tristan. I'm unconvincible. Fuck you.
00:08:27.000 Tristan. Why?
00:08:29.000 It might be the best place in the world.
00:08:31.000 Happiness might be there. It's also the party I had in my own house.
00:08:34.000 Yes. Yeah. Yep.
00:08:36.000 But maybe. Maybe just maybe.
00:08:38.000 That is where happiness is.
00:08:40.000 If you don't, we're going to sit at home with all the shutters up and the gates open.
00:08:47.000 Tristan, there genuinely might be happiness there.
00:08:49.000 We can't know for certain until we've been.
00:08:51.000 Yes, I can't. No, you can't.
00:08:53.000 I know this country better than all you motherfuckers from this table.
00:08:55.000 I'm not going to. But have you been there before?
00:08:57.000 No. So, there could be a secret pool of happiness hidden.
00:09:02.000 Nope. It could be, though.
00:09:03.000 It's very possible. So you're going to live your life behind the gate?
00:09:07.000 Yep. He's scared of happiness.
00:09:09.000 I'm under siege. He's scared of happiness.
00:09:11.000 So we need to flee the town.
00:09:13.000 See ya. With you.
00:09:15.000 We need to flee the town with you.
00:09:17.000 Yeah, now. I know Tristan's thinking it now.
00:09:22.000 It would be fun. Come on, go in.
00:09:24.000 We could leave. Stand between your toes.
00:09:28.000 Yeah, stand between your toes.
00:09:29.000 Sand's shit. An ugly beach.
00:09:31.000 We're going. Is the beach actually ugly?
00:09:32.000 It's called the Black Sea.
00:09:35.000 Alright, don't be racist. Yeah.
00:09:37.000 Come on, Tristan. Or Tristan, what if we could rename it The White Sea?
00:09:46.000 You can't put that on YouTube.
00:09:49.000 A few moments later...
00:09:51.000 Tristan!
00:09:54.000 Where are we? Amaya.
00:09:57.000 Wait. What? What do you mean?
00:10:00.000 I thought I would never see you here.
00:10:03.000 You tricked me. What do you mean tricked you?
00:10:05.000 By giving me a bunch of crappier options and making me drive past Mamaya.
00:10:10.000 So here I am.
00:10:11.000 I know it was a trick.
00:10:14.000 Zoe for Moosem.
00:10:16.000 I want to go to the other one.
00:10:18.000 I actually do.
00:10:19.000 I've been sitting here for an hour listening about how terrible it is.
00:10:22.000 Is it shit? Is Vamavete shit?
00:10:24.000 Is shit? It's like men with long hair who smoke weed.
00:10:28.000 Nice.
00:10:29.000 By you.
00:10:30.000 Tristan!
00:10:40.000 Tristan, can you pass me some Doritos?
00:10:44.000 Yes!
00:10:46.000 I almost blew my brains out.
00:10:49.000 Can I have some?
00:10:54.000 What do you mean, have some?
00:10:55.000 Well, if you don't give me some Doritos.
00:10:58.000 It's can you pass me the Doritos.
00:10:59.000 Can you pass me the Doritos?
00:11:04.000 Rory wants us to pass some Doritos.
00:11:06.000 No, fuck Rory. Nah, that's how I was digging.
00:11:08.000 I'm going to blow my fucking brains out.
00:11:11.000 Alright. They are fucking good.
00:11:19.000 This is the only reason I'm not dead yet.
00:11:22.000 You think? Yeah. Yeah, bro.
00:11:25.000 Shit. I can only imagine if he didn't pass me those Doritos right there.
00:11:30.000 Yeah, I think I'd just jump out the car.
00:11:33.000 I'm probably burning. Yeah, going 120.
00:11:35.000 This looks nice.
00:11:54.000 It does look nice, doesn't it? It does.
00:11:56.000 The police cars look very nice.
00:11:59.000 Yeah, the police don't look very nice, but they never did really look that nice.
00:12:02.000 Although the Rachel police are very nice.
00:12:06.000 Tristan, the ocean looks the same as any other ocean.
00:12:09.000 It does. It's the exact same.
00:12:12.000 Black sea my ass, it's not black at all.
00:12:14.000 🎵
00:12:22.000 Yeah, so...
00:12:24.000 I don't know how much is being filmed.
00:12:25.000 We went to Mamiya, Tristan...
00:12:27.000 We were supposed to come here and drive home.
00:12:29.000 Tristan overtook me, went to the expensive park, the expensive beach.
00:12:32.000 And then we fucked off when we came here because I wanted to see it anyway.
00:12:35.000 And it's about as shit as I thought it would be.
00:12:36.000 Yeah. Yeah.
00:12:40.000 Well, let's get some food. Where's Tristan?
00:13:18.000 He abandoned us.
00:13:19.000 What do you mean? He ran away.
00:13:22.000 We convinced him to come here eventually.
00:13:23.000 He came. He had some tea.
00:13:26.000 He left. This.
00:13:30.000 We're about to start boozing.
00:13:31.000 It's about, look, exactly. The moon is hot.
00:13:34.000 It's a full moon, too. Which means we must booze.
00:13:38.000 It's a sign. It's a sign.
00:13:40.000 We must drink copious amounts of alcohol.
00:13:43.000 We must poison ourselves.
00:13:44.000 To the limit. We'll start now.
00:13:48.000 We'll start now. Shit.
00:13:50.000 It's off. Where's the talisman?
00:13:52.000 I don't know. This makes no sense.
00:13:54.000 He's gone. Booze.
00:13:55.000 No. What? I know.
00:13:57.000 I don't think I've ever boozed without him.
00:14:01.000 This might be my first time.
00:14:03.000 Rory. Shit. I don't want to talk about it.
00:14:06.000 I need a drink. Is this how normal people drink?
00:14:08.000 I need a drink. This must be how normal people drink.
00:14:11.000 No talisman.
00:14:13.000 Works. He'd be perfect right there.