The Comment Section with Drew Afualo

00:00:00.000 at a group dinner people say the weirdest shit they're like they're like they're like well we

00:00:02.900 should get like a green like a like a yummy green crunch right like we need like a crunchy like a

00:00:06.980 yummy green with a crunch right who the fuck are you not with white people dinner with that's is

00:00:11.840 that white people did i say something white people on accident white and skinny which is it

00:00:15.600 in the comments tell me if you're white and skinny tell me which part of you says shit like that

00:00:19.880 hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me your

00:00:29.920 fave everybody knows me who cares about me on to the guest today we have a ghost that's haunting me

00:00:35.320 at this fucking point the one and only caleb harran girl the bitches are gonna freak out we need to

00:00:43.780 talk let's about where we are right now okay we are at the spotify offices okay now tell me why

00:00:50.300 there's 17 addresses i'm getting emails going hey you're going to to this building but you're gonna

00:00:54.900 want to put in this building if you're ubering these are the trains then i go i show up at one

00:00:58.600 office building it's not the right office building right man turns me away then i go to what's it an

00:01:02.540 h&m i end up at an h&m i'm in a shopping center you're listening to house music i'm listening to

00:01:07.380 house music at h&m with the thin people i am in a museum of thin people right at h&m then i have to

00:01:13.500 speak with a police officer i went up to a member of the nypd and shout out and that's how you know

00:01:18.380 it's bad that's when you know things are bad if i'm talking to the cops something has gone wrong

00:01:22.140 and i said hey i'm looking for spotify he said oh yeah classic then he sends me around the

00:01:27.380 corner i go up to the welcome desk i go hey guy shakes my hand i go okay i go hell yeah hey sir

00:01:32.600 i'm going to spotify he goes they have their own desk i go of course they do

00:01:35.220 i go to the spotify desk i do a retina scan i give my pronouns they made me give my pronouns

00:01:43.300 i give my pronouns my political affiliation my social they take a picture of me on three little

00:01:48.480 cameras they send me to an elevator where i'm not allowed to press the buttons do they ask if you're

00:01:51.920 an organ donor basically and they insist and then they send me up and the elevator sends me up i don't

00:01:56.180 get to push buttons then i get to spotify i have to give my pronouns again i get my pronouns to

00:02:00.640 people working a desk i'm ripping jokes to them i said you guys run this shit like the navy huh

00:02:04.400 i said this is fucking ridiculous it's a treasure map with weapons it's a treasure map yeah one of

00:02:09.500 the one of the people working here god love them i go i go god you guys run this like fucking fort

00:02:13.440 knox and she goes yeah it's the world trade center

00:02:15.400 center and you said i went hey my bad hey my bad actually that's me not reading the room how

00:02:23.240 quickly we forget oh it's never forget until they said the world trade thing i said he him

00:02:30.040 my bad he him just just he him thank you and you said and i'm also gay so careful what you say now

00:02:35.760 i said he him homosexual thank you i turned my i changed my tune real quick it's real like a

00:02:40.880 speakeasy vibe you have to know the password yeah it's like very yeah i'm we entered an exclusive

00:02:45.840 club and i there's something happening to me as i get older too like i turned i'd say this has been

00:02:50.540 happening for like a year now yeah i just say all my thoughts out loud to strangers that is true you

00:02:55.060 have you do do that i expect them to be in on it i'm like i'm like in a room full of people i don't

00:02:58.780 know and i'm like god damn they've got it so fucking cold in here they're trying to freeze us out

00:03:01.920 huh and people are like what shut up one thing about you you love a chit chat i love a chit

00:03:07.440 taylor loves small talk i love to make a little friend i know even what's funny is you say i just

00:03:13.220 say whatever i want you're right that is true when we were in in the room next door i was like oh

00:03:18.280 sit down and you're like i'm gonna go read my book outside you don't need me dude

00:03:21.540 i guess not no do you know what happened in my head i was like oh drew has a big group and

00:03:29.100 there's limited seats in here i don't want to like take up let me just go be over here everyone

00:03:33.260 can do their thing you know what i mean because they're gonna be hanging out in there while

00:03:36.180 we're in here so i'm like y'all stake out your space and i'll go read my book and be out of the

00:03:39.520 way that's very sweet of you but i did feel as soon as i said it i walked away and i was like i

00:03:43.180 wonder if drew things i don't want to hang out with her no honestly i was just like girl we don't

00:03:47.600 even as soon as you let no we don't ever take offense to shit like that but as soon as you left

00:03:51.380 adam was like i love how he just does what he wants like he'd just be doing shit i was like no

00:03:55.800 for real you know i was trying to i was trying to explain to to someone recently a friend of mine

00:03:59.920 was making fun of me for you know they said something effective like i was like oh i love when i get what

00:04:03.640 i want and they were like when do you not and i was like you know what though you know if i'm

00:04:08.200 somewhere you know i want to be there that is true so let's enjoy that no that is and i mean that

00:04:12.460 in the nicest sweetest way possible it's just like you're always advocating for yourself and you're

00:04:17.680 also very honest and like there's like so i have so much respect for how honest you are in such a

00:04:23.360 sweet way too like and a perfect example is what i brought up on your show when we did the minion

00:04:27.500 episode when i said like when we get dinner and we have fun when you're done you're done so you're

00:04:33.060 like well i'm gonna head out so hey we should leave yeah yeah so you guys hang i gotta bounce

00:04:39.280 yeah love you though i'm gonna go i've had enough and i love that thank y'all as we get older we love

00:04:44.840 that dude i love it and it like i'm i'm truly too i was my friend and i did a dessert crawl in my

00:04:49.900 neighborhood the other night okay we wanted to we got high after dinner and we wanted dessert and she

00:04:54.920 was like where should we go i was like well we should i'm a regular at every spot in this neighborhood

00:04:58.920 i was like i know the staff by name at every spot within a square mile and they know me and they

00:05:02.960 know me and so i was like let's just go to a couple places and we'll stop in ask what they're serving

00:05:06.680 for dessert and then we'll keep going until we find something we like yeah so we went to three or four

00:05:10.680 places stopped in i was like hey how's it going what do you guys have they tell me we ended up going

00:05:14.500 like four places and then i was like wait we didn't like the fourth place but i was like let's go get

00:05:19.600 one thing from every place and then we'll just eat it there pay the check and go to the next place

00:05:23.760 so we split one dessert at three restaurants i was like i'm chit-chatting with the staff i'm making

00:05:29.140 friends i was like this is to me the perfect night i prefer this over any other situation i stop into

00:05:34.440 three places where people know me i have one dessert split it with my friend and then i go next one

00:05:39.420 how fun another one thank you i'm learning stuff is you know staff's like oh my god i just my

00:05:44.600 grandma's sick she's in the hospital i'm like for sure where's that galette

00:05:49.500 no i'm kidding but for sure for sure the tiramisu is coming and grandma what's grandma's

00:05:57.180 secondary to the tiramisu i assume grandma updates come after the the moose the chocolate

00:06:02.120 moose is being put in i'm sure is there a place you're trying to you're really trying to get in

00:06:06.620 but they're just resisting your charm your southern charm midwest charm no i mean i'm any i only want

00:06:14.380 to be i don't want to be in at any of the spots you know what i mean there's maybe one restaurant in

00:06:18.000 brooklyn that is is spotty like zini that i have tried to wield my influence to get tables that has

00:06:23.360 said no to me and i and i think they actually just suck i'm like not i'm not wanting them worse you

00:06:28.660 know what i mean yeah which that was like the story of my 20s like dating in my 20s i was like if you

00:06:33.160 don't want me you know something i was like if you don't want me i need him you know but i don't do

00:06:39.720 that anymore you're on to something yeah oh what about a general place like do you always try to make

00:06:44.040 flight attendants your your friends i feel like oh me and flight attendants understand each other

00:06:48.020 for the most part although we did make a mistake by letting them feel like heroes during covid

00:06:51.820 i'm sorry we did with the quirky announcements on the on the intercom it's just they some of them

00:06:58.620 have lost the plot a little bit like like some of them are a little mean now for no they used to

00:07:03.260 mostly be sweet yeah and then i'm sure they went through a lot during covid that's also probably part

00:07:07.580 of it but now post covid they're being a little pushy i think you know why do you think well

00:07:13.180 they're just telling they're doing too much you know i fly multiple times a week every week yeah

00:07:17.240 so i know where my bag fits right and i'm you know i'm walking on i had a flight attendant recently i

00:07:22.420 was like hey guys good morning how's it going i always come on nice even if i'm in a bad mood tired

00:07:26.240 whatever you know i come on because i'm like they're at work they're dealing with the public that's

00:07:29.920 horrible yeah that's hey guys good morning how's it going she goes that bag won't fit

00:07:33.860 i said what happened to hello hi how are you first of all second of all yes it will

00:07:40.480 don't you worry she goes she goes i fly pretty often i think i know i go i do too

00:07:46.400 now we're in a bitchy yeah so what we're gonna have a cunt off on the boeing 787

00:07:52.900 so you're telling me dl flight 351 from tulsa to topeka we have to have a cunt off a delta flight

00:07:59.780 i know that's fucking come on and she and i said i said i fight too i think i know and she goes she

00:08:06.900 goes is it expanded i go it's not expanded it's its smallest size it's gonna fit right there

00:08:10.900 and she goes she goes you can't put it sideways now so now she's pivoted the argument i'm like we're

00:08:16.660 moving the goalpost charlie brown i think we know who's won i think we know who's won right i know

00:08:22.200 i can't put it sideways if you lost your mind it's wheels in bitch right right wheels in handle out

00:08:27.420 and guess what i did i slipped her oh i slipped my bag right in her little spot i put her in her

00:08:32.360 little panties slid those panties right on i said ooh right in there didn't it i gotta say

00:08:38.780 another word to her nice and snug she came by for the drinks and she said what can i get you i said

00:08:42.640 uh-huh diet coke no a small smaller carry-on yeah and crow for you table for one table for one crow

00:08:52.560 table for one egg on face no she was cool i mean we got there once we got the coke situation figured

00:08:59.020 out she got to a place you guys you guys met in the middle yeah i love that that's beautiful in

00:09:03.880 the skies you know i get the little postcards sometimes from the flight attendants oh do you

00:09:07.840 they write me the little note when they know you yeah they're like they're like i don't want to bother

00:09:11.720 you but it is a delight to have you on my flight today i'm a huge fan and then it's something about

00:09:16.300 you and britney you know yeah it'll be like p.s where are drew and britney they always ask me where

00:09:22.160 you guys are at what cologne was it we're being haunted by the speaking of being haunted p.s what

00:09:30.740 are the top notes cool you know what i have something to say please do and i've talked to you and

00:09:38.780 britney about this in private yes we have but people i'm glad they love our episodes of our each

00:09:43.680 other's shows right that's lovely thank you for being a fan yes they have got to stop there they

00:09:48.140 act sometimes these people in the comments they will attribute your and britney's jokes to me

00:09:52.200 yeah this pisses me off there's misogyny rampant in the comments i don't love it either king i'll

00:09:57.560 be honest well they act sometimes like or even when i get a good joke off when they're like oh my god

00:10:01.920 like it's like no we the three of us are funny together because we are together yeah exactly assist

00:10:06.960 each other it's lobs and dunks for everybody right we're all working at the same time yeah that's

00:10:11.520 the beauty of it yeah i would say i know i i agree with you because i've seen i've seen the jokes

00:10:16.020 being accredited to the wrong people like well to the wrong people to you and just me and britney

00:10:20.840 are the ones being taken from but at the same time sometimes when i see them they're like oh

00:10:24.940 he's way funnier than the two of them no and i was like no he's just meaner yeah that's the only

00:10:31.160 difference well you know what's a real gag is sometimes i i do you know i do the jabby little

00:10:36.180 barb thing on the podcast where i'm like you know even the flight attendant like i'm you know yeah i'm

00:10:41.200 like having a take just for fun that sometimes people meet me in real life and then they want to be

00:10:45.220 mean to me thinking out that like that i want to talk to them that way you know i mean yes like

00:10:49.660 i'll meet a stranger in real life and they'll be like they'll be like fat ugly bitch oh girl i'm

00:10:53.820 like whoa whoa whoa yeah you're not drew what happened to hi hello you're not trixie and also i don't

00:10:59.500 greet you that way we're not on a podcast yeah when we it's like we don't we're kidding around

00:11:03.680 what's funny is we're actually meaner to each other on camera than we are in real life yeah

00:11:07.360 unless you're telling caleb about your love life and he doesn't like it yeah then it matches the

00:11:12.000 energy then it's the same it's the same which you've never experienced no i oh thankfully yeah

00:11:17.480 i agree with you though though that's over familiarity that i really don't like which is

00:11:21.980 like like me and dason joke about this when we had a girl we had so many wonderful people on tour

00:11:26.880 but there were some people that choose the mean route because they're just like oh we're we're

00:11:31.680 all kidding around right but the shit is like i don't know you at all so it's it's just jarring

00:11:36.780 but someone came up to us and she was like what's up you fucking bitches oh we're like oh

00:11:43.400 and then she was like she's like what the fuck is up like i think trying to be funny but also like

00:11:50.820 she was being really intense and and like rude yeah and then she had my book in her hand but the she

00:11:56.460 took the jacket off of it so i was like why'd you take the panties off my book like that the pussy's

00:12:01.100 just out in the air like that immediately doesn't want to play anymore i was like this is why you

00:12:04.900 bitches can't play with me you can't play with me that not everyone can do this all of a sudden

00:12:08.620 not interested in games all of a sudden the rapport is out the window riffing is off the

00:12:13.540 table no it's funny because i feel like we the it's a funny reversal of like we are mean to each

00:12:18.600 other in public and sweet and private yes we're like if i really didn't like you i would i would

00:12:23.560 it'd be the opposite being in private and sweet in public you know what i mean like sometimes i

00:12:27.640 sometimes i'm sweet to people in public because that's just the vibe of the thing and it doesn't mean

00:12:31.240 i don't like them yeah i feel like a lot of people in this like work or like like hollywood

00:12:35.380 or you know like the internet-y stuff like they are talking so much these these girls are talking

00:12:41.540 shit on each other yeah that's true and then in public they're like my bestie they're doing like

00:12:45.400 the apple dance that someone's running i'm and then in private they're like in group chats being

00:12:49.720 like that stupid ugly bitch i can't believe we have to do content with her that's so they're mean

00:12:54.360 yeah i'm airing it out and that's why sometimes when we hang out they're like how come you guys

00:12:58.320 aren't like you guys didn't post anything or whatever i'm like because we're real life friends

00:13:02.600 we're not content friends like we don't live in a content house yeah we're fucking friends in real

00:13:08.280 life like the last thing we're doing is looking at our phones yeah when we're hanging out let's

00:13:12.420 say and you are you if you could you'd be jason born well i tried to do a dumb phone yeah everyone

00:13:17.400 disrespected it that's true the green bubbles i'm sick of it oh everyone treated me i i may as well

00:13:22.560 have been a leper you would think appendages were falling off of me like people i'll cast you aside

00:13:28.100 so fast with that stupid and did i mean truly i had a dumb phone for two weeks i've never felt

00:13:33.420 so isolated people started well and then obviously people started messaging me on instagram instead

00:13:37.760 yeah i'm like this has made my life worse just forget it i'll just be fucking on the iphone i i

00:13:42.500 couldn't the dumb phone if you ever it felt like the the jane elliott blue eyes brown eyes experiment

00:13:47.600 different sides of the room if you want to be treated differently in this society get a dumb phone

00:13:55.080 did you feel like i was mean to you yes because i have blue eyes

00:13:58.700 only people with dumb phones can go to the bathroom

00:14:03.080 people love sharing those videos so why did you feel like you were treated different when only you

00:14:10.280 have blue eyes this little white lady from iowa

00:14:13.600 and people with dumb phones are treated like this every day in our society but you don't care a lick

00:14:19.140 you don't lose an ounce of sleep when people with dumb phones are treated like this

00:14:29.140 somebody with a smartphone crying you have a gray turtleneck on

00:14:33.300 and jamie lee curtis haircut so tell me why

00:14:36.700 people with dumb phones can be treated like this but you can't

00:14:40.140 oh i was maligned i was maligned mistreated dude brittany at one point was like who the

00:14:51.800 fuck is the green bubble in this chat and there's only four of us and she knows it's not the two

00:14:56.880 she said who did it yeah me me like this hey girl oh my god i'm trying to improve myself that's my

00:15:09.640 bad oh shit yeah the dumb phone community i just want to shout y'all out y'all are so strong

00:15:16.320 stick with it it could not be me i did try to join your ranks briefly but i immediately gave up because

00:15:21.860 of uh resistance public scrutiny my loved ones were treated me in ways i've never been treated

00:15:27.500 so i yeah that dumb phone is uh uncharged sitting on my counter right now thank god yeah iphone

00:15:33.660 in pocket yeah brain rot activated brain rot activated worms already in there just let it let

00:15:38.520 run free and guess what it was a backslide too it was like you know when a fat person like goes on

00:15:43.020 like a real strict diet for like two months and they lose 12 pounds then they come back and gain

00:15:46.160 like 57 that's what happened to me with the dumb phone i was so healthy for two weeks i've never seen

00:15:51.860 someone more regulated and like my brain was good i was like the world is brighter and happier oh my god

00:15:57.120 i'm like happier i'm sleeping better i love the world around me i'm looking around going everything's

00:16:01.140 not so bad back on the iphone i'm posting more than i've ever posted i'm like posting stories in a way

00:16:06.860 i've never posted stories i got on substack like i's joined a new platform i did yeah there's

00:16:12.500 something wrong with me like i'm sick dog like i really am not well and i just don't want to be

00:16:18.460 part of it i really do want to get off of them but it's like also you know we've talked about this but

00:16:22.400 i can't completely encourage people getting off the internet because i do need that money

00:16:27.320 yeah unfortunately it's a huge part of your career now yeah my entire fucking career run my shit up

00:16:34.300 yeah it's it's fucking terrible speaking of your your substack post i thought the little snippet

00:16:39.740 you posted about running on a fat ticket we need a fat ticket we need a fat ticket somebody needs to

00:16:48.360 run a fat ticket can we get a fat ticket let's get a president and vice president what's their

00:16:54.380 main platform you think chairs i mean chairs chairs everywhere chairs at restaurants chairs on

00:16:59.940 planes chairs right chairs at theaters because okay all my little friends are on broadway all my

00:17:05.500 little friends are on broadway yeah they're saying come to broadway see me oh i'm in mr whatever the

00:17:09.340 fuck's got you know i don't know i'm not a theater person so when they speak to me it sounds like

00:17:13.640 riddles in a lot of ways it is they go because please come see me in mr ladoopadoops magical factory

00:17:20.420 of mysteries or whatever the fuck i go you know it's them and sigourney weaver i don't know i don't know i

00:17:26.000 don't know i don't know about it but i want to go see their little shows but broadway little shows

00:17:31.100 i want to go see their shows but y'all these chairs are unacceptable these chairs are unacceptable i went

00:17:37.240 to a i got i went to the planetarium the other night to see a lecture on low mass galaxies of course

00:17:42.980 you did because i was wanting to learn something and i felt creative right and i went in there and

00:17:48.380 they had these little chairs and i sat on the end of one and the staff started coming around with a

00:17:53.260 microphone going so if you're on the end of a row i'm gonna need you to move into the center as

00:17:57.960 people file in thank you i said i'm i turned my person i was with i said i'm not doing it

00:18:03.420 i'm not doing it i'm staying on the end and then she came and stood right by me with the microphone

00:18:07.620 because you know they do that passive aggressive shit she's not gonna look at me and go sir put your

00:18:11.520 big ass in the center but she came and stood right by me and goes so once again we will be needing

00:18:16.320 people to move to the center of their row as people file in i said i'm not doing it she stood

00:18:22.600 right there and i said to my friend out loud so she could hear me i'm not doing it i'm wanting to

00:18:27.080 be in community in many ways but the center of the row is not something i can do for my my found family

00:18:31.320 at the hayden planetarium so i we were in a row and then this group of four walked up and we had two

00:18:36.480 empty seats next to us on the inside and there was two empty seats on the aisle in front of us and i

00:18:41.220 said you four take this and then we popped up in front and it was it all worked out it all worked

00:18:46.360 out eventually but i can't be moving to the center of the row fat ticket will be about chairs right

00:18:50.340 fat ticket will be universal grilled meats everybody will have grilled meats anytime they need them

00:18:54.660 that's how we'll solve hunger uh fat ticket gout but it's okay uptick gout but whatever but but

00:19:01.120 whatever because we have the chairs so that wouldn't matter we have the chairs and also i don't know i

00:19:05.400 just feel like let's have some fun it's like obviously the world is pretty close to being over

00:19:09.040 i think everyone can feel that in the air yeah we're in the end credits for sure we're in the we're

00:19:13.240 in the yeah we're in like the post-credit goofy section it's time to be silly for real it's time

00:19:18.260 to be silly it's time to be silly with it you know it's funny you say that about chairs because like

00:19:23.500 i think it's the the el capitan theater in hollywood those chairs bitch mind you my whole family

00:19:31.020 all of us huge yeah enormous yeah sitting and we have to fill up one row but like there's two people

00:19:36.860 like sitting on the inside i felt so bad girls two people girl me sandwiched between my man and my

00:19:41.940 brother please i mean my my ass barely fit in the chair but tell me why i'm feeling bad for the

00:19:47.680 chairs yeah i get it it's a monument whatever yeah let's get an extender i need an extender on this

00:19:56.380 bitch i just don't want to i don't want to hear about it i think just you know people and people go

00:20:00.340 well don't be so fat why i'm having fun take the chairs like it would be a lot easier to change the

00:20:06.800 chair than it would be to change me yeah and i don't care that the chairs are from 1910

00:20:10.760 a lot of shit happened back then that i'm not vibing with

00:20:14.000 so get the fucking chairs out of here yeah a lot of them died from the flu so that's what i'm saying

00:20:19.640 that's why i'm like evolution is okay to some extent they like couldn't read and walk to work i'm just

00:20:24.500 not like don't tell me about back then do you understand like gay people and black people

00:20:30.020 couldn't even come in here no shit when they put these chairs in i think we're in another phase of

00:20:33.800 life i'm set i think if you want to keep if you like them aesthetically in the very back corner of

00:20:38.300 the venue in the darkest corner that we don't do lights just make a fat section that's the fat

00:20:43.520 section and i guarantee you fat people would be like hell yeah that's the fat section it's just

00:20:48.060 like beanbags and open space that's what i'm saying you know what's funny yesterday when i was at

00:20:51.920 the shoot i was telling you about there was a part where they wanted me to sit on these like fake

00:20:56.020 speakers to like pose and stuff and they looked tiny and fragile yeah and i was i was walking over

00:21:02.400 they're like yeah just sit and you can lean and like i was like you want me to fully sit on it or

00:21:06.140 like lean and they're like no no go ahead sit on it and when i'm walking up it's like a crew of all

00:21:10.380 men who set it up and i'm walking up i'm like is there a weight limit on these and all of the men go

00:21:14.940 um and then i was like i'm fucking around hey boys untense loosen your assholes boys it's gonna

00:21:22.760 be all right none of them know how to answer like that's like me saying do i look fat yeah they don't

00:21:27.320 know what to say hey if you're gonna bring thin solutions to a fat legend at least don't bring

00:21:31.680 thin sensitivities at least let me play around that's what i'm saying i made this joke on trixie's

00:21:37.480 channel when she put me in that horrifying drag and when i made this joke i was like a running bit

00:21:42.900 i have in my head is that anytime i meet a celebrity that looks nothing like me and is built

00:21:47.860 nothing like me i go well we're about the same build so where do you shop that's my and i said

00:21:53.160 if i ever meet sydney sweeney i bet you bet your ass i'm gonna make that joke to her and i was loving

00:21:58.380 i said because i'm imagining i say to her that hurts her feelings and that makes me laugh yeah and then i

00:22:05.820 made that joke someone clipped it and was like and people were like um i think it's kind of fucked up

00:22:10.740 that you want to hurt people's feelings my her feelings are going to be hurt because of her fat

00:22:15.340 phobia that's funny yeah i was like when i make that joke that's my way of like it's almost forcing

00:22:20.800 you to confront your internalized biases immediately yeah live in front of me right now so if i and then

00:22:25.820 i'm like why is it bad to be built like me yeah what does that mean also these videos you know that

00:22:30.360 you should hear the shit i say out loud to my phone in a day these videos that are like can i just say

00:22:35.280 no when are we gonna talk about we're not we don't and we don't need to um am i the only one

00:22:41.160 who yes shut the fuck up most oftentimes well then i i make those jokes and i'm like you guys

00:22:46.740 you guys say you like jokes you say you want to hang out with us yeah that's how we joke hello

00:22:51.880 that's why i'm like there's nothing wrong with that joke it's not gonna she's beautiful and i'm

00:22:55.340 beautiful that's the funny part is that it would be offensive to her to look like me yeah and i think

00:23:00.500 that's funny yeah it's okay i think that's funny i'm the butt of the joke in that sense and i'm

00:23:04.940 laughing yeah that's why if i see jacob alorty i'm gonna say the same thing when i want to insult

00:23:09.100 people anyone no matter what they look like i say you look just like trixie mattel

00:23:12.160 and usually they start crying and throwing up well i would too yeah well i love trixie so much i do

00:23:21.000 i'm truly was laughing so fucking hard the other day trixie impossible to get a hold of yeah she is

00:23:26.940 does not i don't know what it is she doesn't just do it to me by the fucking way everybody's

00:23:30.840 like oh she finally texted you back she doesn't text anybody no i and by the way i don't know what

00:23:35.540 happened to me but when god sent me down to earth to be one of his strongest and most beautiful

00:23:39.580 soldiers right he said you're only gonna attract women and gay people who refuse to answer their

00:23:44.060 phone and and what bothers me about it is i'm not answering my phone either but in a way where

00:23:48.620 i'm not on it you guys you guys are not answering your phone in a way where i'm like i know you're

00:23:52.640 on there you just posted a 17 part instagram story trixie trixie who never picks up her phone

00:23:58.320 texted me you and uh britney the other day at like i don't know like 10 o'clock at night yeah and

00:24:05.500 was just like we haven't talked in that group chat in a second no for real and trixie just goes

00:24:08.560 we should do a show like the view and that's it that's no other context i said what the ones above

00:24:15.460 that were kate you asking us to shoot stuff for your tour yeah and then we couldn't do it yeah

00:24:19.880 well we this is a okay this is behind the scenes for the fans we had a confirmed shoot date that we

00:24:27.420 were all gonna shoot a sketch together for my tour yes and then um la did catch on fire that is true

00:24:34.420 so the fires actually ruined yeah but that was like that was the last text exchange we had which was

00:24:38.960 how long ago yeah like january that's what she was like we should do a show like the view we should

00:24:43.700 do a show like the view we all said huh everyone was like what what and if we do do a show i don't

00:24:50.840 think it'll be like the view i don't think it'll be like the view i don't think so either but i

00:24:54.020 understood the spirit of the text i took i took trixie's bid for connection and i said i said yes we

00:25:01.780 all should do something together sometimes me and brinny are like if caleb's in the group chat we're

00:25:05.840 like caleb will respond and then the two of us will respond out and i know that i know that to such

00:25:11.160 an extent that um i guess i'll we can ask her if she wants us to cut this or not but brooke uh

00:25:17.160 texted brooke from brooke and connor yes texted me and um texted me and britney on a group thread and

00:25:22.660 said i want to send you guys some pages from my new book yeah can i get your addresses and i almost

00:25:26.680 without thinking sent britney's address for her you know i mean being like she's not gonna respond to

00:25:31.300 this you know what i mean and then and then i and then i was like well obviously that would be insane

00:25:35.920 don't do that and then i was like oh you should text britney and say hey do you want me to respond to your

00:25:38.800 address for you and then i'm like you don't work for her i just thought myself like no no and then

00:25:45.380 she honestly it's her credit she did text back pretty quick she got back pretty quick not before

00:25:49.880 me but i know one thing about you you're gonna respond which i love i love that about you i try

00:25:55.540 it's this constant battle between like i don't think we should be constantly available to each other i

00:25:59.300 actually think it's good if we're not yeah and i don't want to be on the phone but i do feel this

00:26:03.280 sense of like it's honestly about me like i'm like if i leave shit unread for too long i start to get

00:26:07.880 anxious me too then i'm like oh i need to get back to them i'm gonna forget they're gonna think

00:26:11.360 that i'm don't want to talk to them they're gonna feel like neglected by me like i start to get in

00:26:15.740 my own head it's not about me being worried i know that none of my friends are gonna be mad at me

00:26:19.320 yeah i don't really i try not to leave a text unread for more than like 24 hours right um but

00:26:24.800 sometimes things will slip through the cracks all together and those times haunt me yeah that's

00:26:28.840 too i guess like i could say that but no it's like there's like a list of people in my head

00:26:33.600 where i'm like these are priority people you and brenny are both on there yeah so like there are

00:26:37.820 people i'm like i have to respond to these people within the next day or two max yeah some people

00:26:43.640 i'm like okay i'll respond to that when i have an answer and i just forget and then i feel awful

00:26:48.300 yeah because i'm like ah fuck do you know what i do you know what i read yesterday that i can't

00:26:52.280 stop thinking about what there was an article about the gay guy who fucked in the senate do you

00:26:56.920 remember this you don't remember this there was does anyone remember this there was a gay guy who got

00:27:01.660 fucked uh in in the ass um right uh i'm glad you clarified i wasn't sure well he got fucked up

00:27:08.360 the butt gay style in like a chin like a senate chamber like in like a in like one of the rooms

00:27:13.800 where they do like you know where you'll see like usually you see videos of a senator grilling like a

00:27:18.180 credit card executive for show or whatever yeah meanwhile they got donations from you know what i

00:27:21.580 mean right they're like do you think it's appropriate like that room right gay guy fucked in the butt gay

00:27:26.180 style with just a random person or was it someone in congress uh it was not a congress member i believe

00:27:31.160 it was just a different gay guy how'd they get in there well okay so the gay guy who was getting

00:27:36.320 fucked in the butt gay style he was a staffer for somebody okay and so he had access to the chambers

00:27:42.380 and he posted a video i don't know where maybe it was only fans or maybe it was like his close friends

00:27:46.480 and it got leaked i don't know posted a video of him just literally getting railed in the senate chambers

00:27:50.040 this is this is like a year a year or two ago filibuster for real truly filibusted

00:27:55.080 hey emphasis on phil phila bust a nut philly philly philly bust a nut philly coppa philly bust a nut

00:28:04.260 e e spanish and e coppa phil e bust a nut imas imas bust a nut imas gay style

00:28:11.920 bust a nut imas gay style in the senate chambers right and he there was an article yesterday in like

00:28:17.420 the new yorker or something and they posted like a uh a quote from it that was the guy that was like

00:28:22.180 i only hurt me when i did that and i bear the consequences but i do not regret fucking in the

00:28:26.860 senate and i was like dog i love gay people and part of you has to respect that i fucking love

00:28:34.320 gay people at some point you're like i just love gay people so much that's so funny yeah they're so

00:28:40.280 unserious about so many things yeah i just love it i just love gay people that's so funny i i don't

00:28:46.000 to have like a year to reflect on it and to know that the only way out is to like be remorseful and do

00:28:51.560 like a media campaign where you try and like salvage the thing just go i don't regret fucking

00:28:55.440 in the senate oh no that i don't regret at all iconic it's posting about it for for like you

00:29:01.360 know my friends yeah kind of maybe i should have thought a little bit more on it's funny like the

00:29:05.340 internet has created or like this moment that we've been in for a while has created this image of queer

00:29:09.500 people as like these like puritanical like mean like language policing like woke scolds i'm like queer

00:29:15.840 people i know are the meanest you should hear what the trans women i hang out with say about gay

00:29:19.740 people that's what i'm saying you i say they would fit in at the body shop you know what i mean like

00:29:24.620 it is some nasty hateful shit and it's fun and i love it it's so funny culture that's why it's fun

00:29:32.020 yeah reading is fundamental like it's like yeah that's what we actually do that's why i told trixie

00:29:36.920 that i was like everybody who says they want to be friends with you and caleb i'm like good luck

00:29:41.080 my feelings are vibranium and sometimes my hands shaking a little bit well it's part of the problem is

00:29:45.940 that so much of the culture and narrative now is at least partially enforced by like 17 year olds who

00:29:50.600 are like queer right and they don't know themselves yet and for some reason we're having to interact

00:29:55.160 with them and listen to them and so you know they're they're they have all these ideas like god help me

00:30:01.360 if i was a voice of the culture at 17 right same do you know what i mean exactly god help us all

00:30:05.880 but that's part of the problem with the puritanical stuff is like here's these young gay kids they're

00:30:10.280 trying to figure out where they fit into all this right and still a lot of them on some level at least

00:30:14.980 from from my perception of it and what i'm seeing they still on some level want to be

00:30:19.360 uh respected and embraced by uh boring straight people yeah you know what i mean and so they're

00:30:24.820 like they're like they're like oh that actually we shouldn't be wearing leather at pride it's like

00:30:29.240 shut up you're 12 you know what i mean those people are never gonna like us shut up shut up that's true

00:30:34.180 it's like appealing to what you think is like this exclusive club to get into yeah that's a that's it's

00:30:40.260 similar in my in the sense of like i recently posted a video because for some reason i've had

00:30:45.680 women lately be like you know they log on to tiktok for the first time and they see me and then they're

00:30:50.440 like have you ever tried being nice to them and i was like no but feel free didn't people try that

00:30:55.440 for like centuries yeah i mean go ahead they're still doing it now what the fuck i was like i mean

00:30:59.560 and i made a video because i was like i i'm just like tired of hearing that because i've been doing

00:31:03.300 this for too long but i literally said i'm like you can be nice to them all you want i'm gonna tell

00:31:08.220 them to suck my dick from the back because the side of them disgusts me that's how i'm gonna

00:31:12.180 handle it give me top sloppy style i was like fucking stop asking me to be nice i'm never going

00:31:16.420 to i'm gonna hurt their fucking feelings every time because i want to like sometimes with people

00:31:21.260 i've done a few talks lately where they're like what do you have to say to people that say you're mean

00:31:25.100 and then i i literally go i am mean that's true i am very mean my it depends on what your goals are like

00:31:32.260 some of your goals is like oh i want them to to to love me or like me or respect me my goal is to

00:31:37.860 hurt their fucking feelings like my goal is to make you upset because of what i said because

00:31:42.840 you're being horrible because you're being horrible my goal is to be horrible enough that you get so

00:31:47.220 embarrassed you never go on the internet again that's my goal that's me i'm saying it's so i'm

00:31:52.460 bringing i say that so plainly and women still are like wow so it's just like your whole thing it's

00:32:00.260 just like razzing men but like have we thought about maybe what they're going to be doing like

00:32:05.620 yeah no this is why i don't like women i've been saying i've been i don't like women i don't i

00:32:14.160 really don't i've just had so many in a row lately of women asking me always like oh have you ever

00:32:19.600 thought about like you know what about the good men i'm like where yeah are they let me know tell

00:32:25.560 them to come forward what the fuck i can't see them as far as the eye can see yeah women are a problem

00:32:31.220 it's true yeah i've been saying i've been a problem yeah and for some reason you are a problem

00:32:35.820 you are my problem yeah and you're mine that's why we're in love you are yeah you are my problem

00:32:42.380 you're my obsession my fixation i don't know what to do hate to watch you go but i love to watch you

00:32:49.120 leave why did the song locked up by akon just come in my is that akon i'm locked up don't let me

00:32:55.120 you know i think that's about something else though no yeah i don't think it's i that's why

00:32:58.660 why did it come to my head and then in quick succession after that it was um

00:33:03.840 you should let me love you i do love that song maybe the one a mario song oh yeah damn god

00:33:11.840 period look at us there's my brain is so beautiful i love it in there

00:33:15.780 i have some fun facts about you okay facts about me yeah they're fun facts okay i guess it depends on

00:33:24.200 who you asked though uh it says your college fraternity gave you the outstanding philanthropist

00:33:29.440 award that's funny because i don't i don't philanthropic's not the word i think of when i

00:33:37.620 hear about you well what do you call me hanging out with you then if i'm not a philanthropist what

00:33:42.820 the hell is this i don't know what do they call it when those i almost made a really awful joke and

00:33:47.400 you can believe it i was gonna say what do you call it when they have those teachers that hang out

00:33:50.820 with those you let me have lunch in your room because no one likes me yeah all those kids that

00:33:57.900 never hang out at the lunch table they don't have friends so they have to eat in miss a swallow's room

00:34:02.880 in their favorite uh wait no oh that was not given to me by my fraternity by the way

00:34:09.680 that was given to me by the fraternity organization at my school so i was actually outstanding philanthropist

00:34:15.520 of the school not just my fraternity where's my camera that's even worse gagged

00:34:23.940 it's actually out of everyone yeah not just the frat so the fraternity was like 120 guys

00:34:32.040 right but the school was 25 000 people right so you do the math

00:34:37.740 for fucking what well i um i know you do a lot of chairs i was gonna feel bad

00:34:45.780 that's what i said on a serious note caleb does a lot of philanthropic work if i tell you you're gonna

00:34:50.780 feel bad sorry uh no that was such a funny me being in a fraternity was such a funny era of life

00:34:56.960 i was gonna say it was i rushed as a joke to be clear i rushed as a joke i got to college with my

00:35:02.300 friends from like three of my friends from high school like should we rush you know and then i went to

00:35:07.120 this one house with these i met some guys i actually really liked which of course threw me for a loop

00:35:11.180 and i like there were like 10 of them that i liked and then you know there were a lot of guys that i

00:35:16.140 didn't really fuck with but i'm still good friends with some of those guys um and some it was i'll tell

00:35:20.760 you one interesting thing i learned from being in a fraternity for four years right now do i think

00:35:24.500 fraternities should probably be abolished yes yes i think overall they're bad um but i did i did i will say

00:35:31.560 my chapter was a unique case where i feel like they recruited guys who had different opinions on

00:35:37.760 purpose and then we legitimately did we were like we need the nerdy guys we need the sporty guy like

00:35:42.580 they like tried to get all kinds of different guys in there right and it was a lot of times a failed

00:35:46.200 project but in some ways it wasn't and i did meet guys who when we came in were extremely conservative

00:35:51.140 and fucked up uh people like just straight up like guys i did not like yeah and over the course of four

00:35:57.000 years i really watched them grow and like change and they genuinely did by virtue of hanging out with

00:36:02.520 other people different from them they did end college in a different place where like they they

00:36:08.300 you know coming in they're fucking saying the f-slur they're like being so problematic yeah by the end

00:36:12.780 of it they weren't doing things like that that's cool legit there were like legitimate changes that

00:36:16.600 occurred because of their affiliation with that organization which is nice i think that's the

00:36:20.880 minority of those experiences right mostly it's like an echo chamber for horrible behavior and like

00:36:25.400 kind of in mass like sexual assault yeah that wasn't what happened in my experience but i do know

00:36:31.240 that that's the more broad culture that has existed for a long time i think there are people working

00:36:35.680 within it to try and make it different but yeah a few uh a couple guys said the f-word uh fewer

00:36:40.920 times than when they came in and i thought that was kind of neat it was a funny it was a funny

00:36:46.560 thing though it was uh yeah it really cracked me up but i was a philanthropist on campus of course you

00:36:51.300 were i did a couple a couple charities here and there why not yeah you are very philanthropic

00:36:55.360 and i mean that very literally i once sent caleb a meme on instagram that said you ever look at

00:37:00.160 someone and just know they were super involved on campus i said that to you and then he said yeah

00:37:05.520 go ahead and block me yeah drag of the century you know i was showing up to meetings i didn't have

00:37:10.340 to go to you're like guys we have to go to the lunch meeting yeah i almost ran for a student body

00:37:16.320 president in college because i felt like we needed change

00:37:18.680 and college is crazy in they don't do anything like like the zone sidewalks on campus yeah i was

00:37:26.860 like we need a different voice in there in your frat did they kiss each other a lot uh no there were

00:37:33.540 plenty of gay guys in fraternity life that like would kiss people from other chapters nice but there

00:37:37.940 was there was like a a lot of obviously homophobia in the culture but then also a specific like even

00:37:42.600 the guys who were cool with gay guys were like okay just like don't fuck brothers you know what i mean

00:37:46.800 like it was like fuck guys in other chapters if you want to like here we are a family so it's

00:37:52.040 kind of like incest you know like there was like this like kind of strangely progressive like but

00:37:57.140 also weird on it yeah it was like enforcing the bizarre family affiliation that's great but consent

00:38:02.220 is key consent is yeah yeah yeah it was funny because we had to go you know the university made

00:38:07.860 all the fraternity guys go to like sexual assault trainings and stuff which is very good yeah but

00:38:11.960 watching these like super bro-y like just watching them be like i have a question so

00:38:17.920 basically consent is where like the girl is cool with it and you're cool with it too okay word word

00:38:23.860 like and if you're discovers empathy and so if you're both drunk you neither of you should be

00:38:30.600 having sex because either one of you could be taking advantage of correct okay word word word

00:38:34.980 like watching these dudes process like pretty basic the most obvious trains of thoughts to us

00:38:42.780 yeah yeah yeah but i was like you know what hell yeah it works it works better if everyone knows so

00:38:47.400 rock the fuck on however you receive the message i say let's do it have you seen that clip of logan

00:38:52.040 paul where he's like finding out he's having a daughter not to be like a woke asshole this one i don't

00:38:58.020 want to be like a woke asshole but like women have it hard dude like i low-key feel for them

00:39:03.940 yeah that's how i feel anytime i see anything involving them also the the uh not to be the

00:39:10.020 woke friend thing is like shut up i've gotten i'm so over this fucking trend just don't just be

00:39:16.520 just say what you feel just say what you think i know not to be the woke friend but i low-key feel

00:39:21.060 shut up phrase that differently or shut the fuck up or say no homo yeah that's funny let's take it

00:39:27.860 back no i'm but i'm dead serious throw it back to the 2010s let's do something actually funny yeah

00:39:32.360 let's do like let's be for real about it no you know i say that but then no homo is also kind of

00:39:36.800 losing its luster with me i wonder what the new funny thing is to do i may not know but i it's

00:39:40.820 definitely not like not to be the woke friend but like low-key unhouse people have souls it's like what

00:39:45.200 like i beg your pardon not to be the woke friend but racism bad i hate racism that's how i that's how

00:39:53.380 i feel sometimes when i've gone on interviews and they're like older white people talking to me

00:39:57.720 and they're like did you know that this presidency is like scary yeah i did i've clocked a little bit

00:40:06.620 of that yeah you know yeah i sensed that a tiny bit i am gathering that right yeah that's what i've

00:40:11.080 gathered from all the loss of rights not just this past year yeah i've kind of been paying attention for

00:40:16.240 a while yeah well that was i mean i think i've i've said this before somewhere on the internet but

00:40:20.100 that was what cracked me up about 2016 is like all my friends on the coast were like

00:40:23.260 wait we need to we need to pay attention to what's going on in missouri and i'm like

00:40:28.180 yep i've been over here been one been wondering been paying attention don't know where y'all have

00:40:34.640 been things have been weird in 2016 i that was what the first time i actively remember like fighting

00:40:41.140 people on twitter even people i knew personally but i was going ape shit on twitter like just absolutely

00:40:47.600 decimating anybody that was talking shit you know they were all like oh i'm gonna write in harambe like

00:40:52.280 people were literally writing in voting for harambe that year yeah and that was the first

00:40:56.360 year i could vote yeah and i was like you guys think this is a fucking game i'm on my twitter

00:41:01.340 you think this shit's a game it's not i've been doing that shit forever yeah well before i had a

00:41:07.960 platform before anybody gave a fuck yeah i remember one time i fought with a guy for like two days

00:41:12.160 straight and i went to high school with him yeah that was my boy his name's kevin kevin shout out

00:41:17.780 kevin and not the worst kevin i've met by the way i've met a couple terrible kevin's well the

00:41:23.300 craziest thing is like those guys like those guys are like the the secretary of the interior now

00:41:28.520 like guys like that like guys who were just like like literally the whole trump cabinet is like guys

00:41:33.080 who were doing shit like that on the internet right and they were all they got like alt-right like news

00:41:36.960 like news followings where they're like i run a podcast where i tell the truth about the deep state

00:41:40.980 and now they're like the secretary of defense it's fucking insane it's like guys you used to

00:41:45.980 fight with on the internet it's like oh fabulous sounds good y'all they couldn't even spell very

00:41:51.500 well but that's perfect that's perfect actually okay another fun fact it says you make your own

00:41:56.260 ranch dressing from scratch period still to the now what's hold on let's talk about from scratch

00:42:03.220 the hidden valley packet is involved the hidden valley packet is involved but i use the hidden i use

00:42:10.400 extra ingredients that aren't in like okay the hidden valley packet has a recipe on it to make

00:42:16.740 ranch dipping sauce okay okay i modify that recipe to make my own but i still use their seasoning in

00:42:23.220 the recipe right so from scratch is a real stretch so yours is like is it like a when you host that's

00:42:28.840 when you like to put out a fun dip oh yeah yeah yeah or like i i make it for myself sometimes too

00:42:33.860 like oh you think i'm not making that shit alone at home it's the only way i'll eat celery sorry

00:42:38.160 i'm not eating celery if there's not a thick ranch dip involved celery feels like it's fighting me

00:42:43.960 back when i eat it celery was not supposed to be that's like something we found that we shouldn't

00:42:48.340 be eating it's just a taxing endeavor to eat so you know how there's like certain like plants that we

00:42:52.680 only put like on tables as like uh you know how like sometimes when you see in like a cartoon they

00:42:57.720 have like little leafs on the side of a turkey just to make it look cute yeah that's what celery was

00:43:01.460 supposed to be yeah and then we started eating it that's crazy celery's crazy don't piss me off i

00:43:08.000 really hate celery but when you dip it in ranch it's like it all starts to make sense sometimes

00:43:12.580 vegetables don't make sense until you find the right dip and then you're like everything's

00:43:15.920 clicking douse it in something that doesn't make it taste anything like what it's supposed to taste

00:43:20.160 yeah it's like carrots are from hell and need to be sent back to hell in my opinion until they're

00:43:24.640 fried in something or dipped in hummus and then hummus kind of i was gonna say or a strong hummus the

00:43:29.320 picture comes together all of a sudden like i the i was at dinner the other night in new york and i

00:43:34.860 was we were like debating salads we were like oh we should get a salad of course and every time

00:43:39.000 someone says that at a dinner i'm kind of like i know but i was hoping we'd be cool you know i guess

00:43:44.620 now that someone said it we have to do it no yeah i was gonna say that for sure either that or the

00:43:48.540 brussel sprouts yeah it was definitely let's not get an extra order of chicken wings right we should

00:43:53.860 get a green no nachos we should do the green yeah that's the other thing is people sometimes

00:43:57.980 people sometimes at a group dinner people say the weirdest shit they're like they're like they're

00:44:01.660 like well we should get like a green like a like a yummy green crunch right like we need like a

00:44:05.520 crunchy like a yummy green with a crunch right who the fuck are you not with white people dinner with

00:44:09.980 that's is that white people did i say something white people on accident white and skinny which is it

00:44:14.600 in the comments tell me if you're white and skinny tell me which part of you says shit like that

00:44:19.000 never something we need something with a crunch i'm white white or skinny people someone's

00:44:25.900 gonna know what i'm talking about what are you eating with carmy from the fucking bear white and

00:44:30.000 skinny people please please please i am asking you for once to come into the comments please for once

00:44:35.100 we want to hear from you white and skinny people please if you're white and thin thin whites please

00:44:40.200 please please please my saltine friends get in the comments and tell us have you had dinner with

00:44:45.780 someone who said we need like a crunchy green we need like a yummy like a crunchy green

00:44:50.380 i'm telling you people say shit like this because they hurt me they want to hurt me

00:44:56.580 and we were at dinner and someone said this and i was like oh my god of course and i'm like

00:45:01.160 i'm like yeah but then there was one with fried halloumi on it and i was like we should get that

00:45:05.840 one i like that there's cucumbers you know i made it about something else i was like there's cucumbers

00:45:10.320 in that one i'm like i'm gonna eat the fried halloumi

00:45:12.240 there's only three halloumis and you eat two of them yeah yeah i'm the other one's hanging out and

00:45:19.080 you're like well if no one else is gonna yeah no i mean no one wants the halloumi it's just i mean

00:45:25.120 it's there we should get like a crunchy green it's a thing dude do you guys know what i'm talking about

00:45:31.000 have you heard this before we should get like a crunchy like a leafy green a leafy green yeah but

00:45:36.680 that's a no but we should get like something with a crunch like a healthy we need something

00:45:42.800 with like a healthy tasty crunch they say that shit when they order salads though you'll get like

00:45:48.020 you'll be at a group dinner it'll be like oh we'll get three pastas a pizza the branzino we'll have

00:45:53.520 like this isn't it and then someone will go do you think we should get like a healthy crunchy green

00:45:57.400 with like a crunch that's healthy and then i have to be like yeah fuck oh my god i was gonna say

00:46:03.960 that oh thank you oh my god i went to dinner with a friend recently and he wanted us to get the

00:46:08.800 wedge what i fucking work here a wedge they don't even chop that shit up what am i supposed to be

00:46:17.820 what am i an ape a wedge salad pisses me what am i an ape eating my fucking i'm a primate oh that's

00:46:24.520 my enrichment it's like a healthy crunch we like to open it up and put treats in between so that they

00:46:31.720 know like chop it in the zoo like apes in the fucking zoo oh that's don't piss me off i also

00:46:37.100 that's how i feel when i order a soda nobody else does come on when i do that i'm like oh no fucking

00:46:41.980 community right perfect but the opposite of that when you're the first person to order a soda and

00:46:45.800 it sets off a chain reaction yeah when when they when they go the server goes you guys want anything

00:46:49.920 to drink and everyone goes i think we'll go with water and i go dr pepper and then everyone else

00:46:53.920 goes well i think i'll have one too oh captain my captain and i'll have a doctor they can't stop all

00:47:00.540 of us and i'll have a doctor i stand on the table i'm like every one of us can have a dr pepper

00:47:04.360 don't let them think that tap water is the only option and that was the french revolution that was

00:47:10.080 the french revolution let them have that's the plot of pep let them have pep i fucking love it dude

00:47:16.160 i hate a wedge salad i love a dr pepper i don't like when someone calls it like a crunchy green like

00:47:21.320 a healthy crunch with a green i don't like when we share a lot of things like i don't mind sharing

00:47:26.020 apps but i don't like when that's the whole meal yeah like i went to dinner with my friends the

00:47:30.940 other day my skinny white friends yeah love them down we did have drinks so maybe i thought maybe

00:47:36.640 oh okay yeah like everyone's gonna get we're like oh we'll just share right what if i kill myself

00:47:44.060 right i i similar i went to dinner the other night with a thin friend and a friend who had stomach

00:47:49.360 surgery so you know thin now but yeah used to be quite fat right you know so i know you know how

00:47:56.400 fat behavior is like but now he's thin because he had the surgery and shout out to him i love you

00:48:01.040 brother but yeah they we order i was like i was like do you guys want to get like four apps and they

00:48:05.460 were like yeah and then i was like i'm gonna get an entree as well and then they were like oh we're

00:48:08.900 good with just the apps if we're getting that many i went right okay so you fucking so i'm

00:48:13.960 brendan frazier and the whale right so i'm the woman from uh what's eating gilbert grape to you

00:48:20.980 that's what i am to you because i was gonna do an entree on top all that okay right sounds good

00:48:27.560 and then i go okay i'll get an entree and we can split it we all knew damn well i was eating

00:48:30.600 they took one bite of the entree and i said well you got what you wanted in the way that you wanted

00:48:35.900 it i just want yeah i want it all i like it i like having a good time i'd be too that's why i love

00:48:41.200 going to dinner with you and brenny yeah because we eat we eat for real they move us to a bigger

00:48:44.960 table that is true that i the number of times that i have at a restaurant been sat at an

00:48:48.720 appropriate table and then when they heard the order go why don't we you guys want to go over

00:48:52.640 there i can bring up a couple yeah they have to put like a card table like it's thanksgiving at

00:48:57.580 your grandma's house yeah i uh well you keep refusing to go to disneyland with us yeah i won't do

00:49:04.460 that right i'm gonna get you there eventually i'm not doing that there was on space mountain i don't

00:49:09.200 know if you know this i don't know if the chat knows this either but literally they have a weight

00:49:14.560 limit on that roller coaster yeah so which they do not specify but here's the thing you get in

00:49:21.700 they strap you strap in they drive you forward if the seat screams they they weigh you right there

00:49:28.540 if it's too heavy they make you go left my family has been stopped i'm not kidding six times what

00:49:34.400 happens if you go left they go left they take you out and they split you up so your big fat asses

00:49:39.800 aren't all fucking together and they and they literally i one time i'm not kidding why do you

00:49:44.280 want me to go we were all sitting there we were all sitting in there and they were like the guy down

00:49:50.060 at the bottom of who's strapping over checking everyone's belts he's looking up at the control

00:49:54.400 tower he goes how much no too heavy too heavy too heavy too heavy i said hey we heard you the

00:50:03.520 left to the left to the left so too heavy yeah too heavy go ahead to the left go ahead too heavy i got

00:50:09.020 too heavy to the left and then the first time it happened to us we were so confused and then no one

00:50:13.480 was telling us the answer because no one wants to tell us that you guys are too fucking fat so we have

00:50:17.420 to split you up i said oh okay okay perfect happiest place on earth sounds good yeah i mean

00:50:24.600 for that and a million other reasons i'm not interested i mean and did i have two churros in

00:50:28.320 my hand at the time yes is it relevant to the weight of the roller coaster i don't think so

00:50:33.000 yeah i think i think once again i'm leaning back to your fat ticket idea yeah with chairs let's get

00:50:39.540 it fixed let's extend it i saw someone i saw someone posted that you know they were obviously like

00:50:44.260 kind of right wing but they posted a video of a bunch of fat disney adults doing like a tiktok

00:50:48.660 at disney and they're like they spend so much time at this park walking around how are they so fat

00:50:52.620 and i said well number one fat people walk and number two have you seen the shit they eat

00:50:57.040 yeah everything there is like covered in sugar and deep fried that's how they're walking from eating

00:51:02.640 to eating to eating to eating to it's a it's a food crawl disney is a food crawl yeah but i don't i'd

00:51:08.060 rather just go to a restaurant yeah you'd rather go and there's like a secret club for i don't i can't disney

00:51:12.200 scares the hell out of me it's okay we're gonna i'm gonna bully caleb into it eventually you're not

00:51:16.180 gonna i would probably come to your i need to come to your house more often that is true either way

00:51:20.360 i've got there's so many levels of transportation involved it's real planes trains and automobiles

00:51:26.100 planes trains automobiles i have to contact us i have to get on an av at one point right i have to

00:51:30.320 contact special transportation providers like going to jurassic world yeah like they got a fly boat

00:51:35.900 yeah and it's beautiful when i get there i feel like lewis and clark you know i'm like whoa

00:51:40.600 oh it's fecund you know it's beautiful out here i love it i think i'm gonna colonize it

00:51:45.260 yeah i do i would love to colonize someplace oh i would just love that oh that would be so nice i would

00:51:51.860 love to create someplace in my image just start making shit up oh i would love that me and dason

00:51:57.840 were talking about the pope the other day because she was like what's his deal and i was like what

00:52:01.860 do you mean and she was like like what does he like do and i go i i think you're asking the wrong

00:52:07.060 person because i also wasn't raised catholic or siblings as you may know yeah as you are probably

00:52:11.380 mostly familiar with but i told her i think and i was like i just made a stab in the dark i was like

00:52:16.200 i think he's like the head guy but he's not the main guy yeah so the big guy picks the head guy and

00:52:23.120 then all your problems you lay at the feet of the head guy he goes big guy says it's cool yeah that's my

00:52:28.120 loose interpretation of catholicism catholicism is so funny to me because they're like the pope is not

00:52:32.660 selected by man he is selected via men as a vehicle through god's will and i'm like then how

00:52:38.240 come he has different ideas every fucking time and how come it's changed so much over time and why

00:52:43.120 are like gay people are mad that the new one seems to be anti-gay i'm like he's the head of an

00:52:46.740 international pedophile ring why are we consulting him yeah that's another i was like well oh a straight

00:52:53.800 guy from chicago they're like he's from chicago da bears i'm like shut up he's the head of an

00:53:00.480 illuminati pedophile ring who cares what these people think yeah when i watch him go on that

00:53:05.820 balcony and they do that wave and then everyone's crying yeah i was like well it's giving cult

00:53:10.000 obviously we know that there's a part of me that's jealous of course yeah of course and that's where

00:53:14.460 i was going with it i watch and i'm like man i wish i could feel devotion to something like that but

00:53:18.900 i don't know if someone tells me to do something i'm just not going to yeah so there's that yeah i

00:53:24.380 should start wearing cunty little robes yeah yeah i do like that he speaks latin though i think that's

00:53:29.880 kind of funny like so inaccessible and unnecessary i love i do love that i do think that's funny

00:53:34.940 and people are like excited like conservatives are like he spoke latin you know what that means boys

00:53:38.720 i'm like i don't but i love you do either you guys have your own little thing and i love that

00:53:43.460 i just love that they get excited about something i'm like it's it's truly like their drag race

00:53:47.960 that is like him coming out was like a reveal it's like this is their queen for the season yeah

00:53:52.920 they're like rooting for him i love that i know i found that so yeah i was just like i don't i don't

00:53:58.700 give a fuck but like i'm happy for y'all sure catholics hey catholic shout out y'all do your

00:54:03.680 thing yeah do what you gotta do do your thing i think his robes are cool i think i don't care much

00:54:08.080 about his ideas and go nuts i think and also if you were the pope when you just start kind of like

00:54:14.900 making shit up i just start saying shit for sure i'd just start saying also it's so funny they never

00:54:19.560 listen to him every pope is like we need to do something about poor people and genocide and

00:54:23.320 they're like okay pope i love it i love it they're like he's a good one it's like are you

00:54:29.420 gonna do something or not they're like he's just like the last one he just said do something

00:54:33.520 he just said do something they're like we'll see you on sunday brother

00:54:37.700 it's like do something sunday and easter we'll see you then every pope is like i am worried about

00:54:43.440 the poor i am worried about poverty i am worried about the ongoing genocides in every place that

00:54:47.900 they're occurring and then the followers are like anyway let's get in the suburban y'all

00:54:52.160 we have mass it's like do something what are you doing yeah what's the point of the job yeah i'm

00:55:00.500 like also if they would take all that stuff seriously i would be okay with their position

00:55:03.720 on gay people you know i mean like if every catholic in the world got really concerned about

00:55:07.340 palestine right now right but still didn't want two men to get married i'd be like all right take

00:55:11.440 what we can get i'd be like hey let's handle that one first and then maybe we'll win you over

00:55:16.680 yeah okay i have other fun facts for you this one it says you were on the missouri state homecoming

00:55:23.260 planning committee in 2014 and then later in 2016 you were on the college homecoming court

00:55:28.340 once again super involved in campus and did you win no i will i my campaign for homecoming king

00:55:36.160 i was i didn't really want to do it and so my theme was my you know you had to pick like a theme and

00:55:41.420 like make posters and everything and you had to like run like i make graphics and all that stuff

00:55:45.000 my theme was um my theme was you can vote for me if you want to and my like slogan was like maybe we

00:55:51.960 can do it you know and it was so like everyone would dress up and you would you would go speak

00:55:56.080 it all month long of homecoming you would speak at like organizations and you would like like on

00:56:00.200 campus one yeah you would go to like the meeting of like the chess club yeah and you would wear a

00:56:04.240 costume and throw out candy and try to get people to vote for you i went to every one of them in like

00:56:08.220 jeans and a t-shirt and was like i don't have a speech um yeah you guys can vote for me if you

00:56:12.820 want to i've done a lot of like charity and stuff on campus this is where i'm from damn and that

00:56:18.000 didn't work it didn't no but did not excite the masses and i think i lost to a guy from a christian

00:56:22.600 youth group who dressed as a spongebob he dressed as spongebob and threw out like spongebob themed

00:56:27.800 candy at every meeting well that's correct that's ironic because they can't watch that because gay

00:56:31.720 yeah well you know all the alleged gay allegations i got beat by christianity in the homecoming race

00:56:38.600 and that was a shock to me at missouri state uh yeah shock to my lost my lost when i was in high

00:56:46.040 school i ran for like senior like asb council but i i wanted to run for something for college

00:56:53.280 specifically i didn't even really want to do it but i was like well i'm gonna do it because it'll

00:56:56.820 look out on my college application and so i picked treasurer or secretary because it was like the

00:57:02.720 the one with the least amount of responsibilities yeah so i was like i just want that one like that's

00:57:07.040 the one i want to do but like in order to do that like the year before you had to be like on someone

00:57:11.420 else's team to help them win so this girl asked to asked me to be like her representative i was

00:57:17.460 like sure and they had this big fair and each one there was always a theme and the theme this year

00:57:21.900 was like disney pixar so you had to like have a booth and then decorate it like fucking crazy give

00:57:27.960 a speech everybody had to be dressed like a character hers was toy story yeah so she was like yeah

00:57:33.140 like so i'm gonna be jesse and like my boyfriend's gonna be woody and then like someone else is like

00:57:37.640 okay i was like okay okay t t t and she was like you don't have to tell me but like you could just

00:57:41.620 come just somewhere in that realm i'm like okay next day i show up to school and i had overalls and

00:57:47.520 like a red like long sleeve and the overalls were like too small and too tight and then i had my mom's

00:57:53.880 cowboy boots on and then i walked in and i had like just like a stick with me and she was like who

00:57:59.520 are you supposed to be and then i was like i'm stinky pete yeah and then she was like why did you

00:58:06.220 pick him out of all the like she's like you could be bo peep or you could be like i'm like yeah no for

00:58:11.060 sure i think i'm gonna be stinky pete and then she was like she was like so upset that i dressed

00:58:17.240 like that like i even put dirt on my face and everything because i just thought it was like

00:58:20.340 her representative and you chose stinky pete

00:58:22.220 she's like i'm trying to win bitch have you lost your mind and the thing is too that they would

00:58:28.580 pick who they thought was popular in that grade so they could help them win like go and tell people

00:58:33.780 hey vote for so and so whatever and i was like girl if you think i'm not gonna clock votes in this

00:58:38.300 you're crazy i'm gonna rein in the votes as stinky pete trust me when i say yeah i was like i got a

00:58:43.100 butt flap on my overalls like she was so annoyed at me that she made me sit in the back so no one could

00:58:47.800 see not stinky pete segregation please stinky pete civil rights now immediately we won't go back

00:58:57.820 and she was like and my sister asked me she's like why would you dress as him and i was like well i

00:59:01.520 already had the overalls like it was funny one plus one yeah hello yeah i'm all about a i'm all about

00:59:08.920 a bit you know what no one likes to talk about mr and miss potato heads freaky asses why they're freaks

00:59:15.740 i can tell they're sexual freaks like swingers the way that shit moves around yeah the way they

00:59:20.020 can put their mouth anywhere that's crazy you think he dresses up as her you're 100 100 he puts his

00:59:25.840 lips in her ear and shit he wears her lips they're freaks yeah and her ears with the pearl earring

00:59:31.220 they're swapping eyeballs it's crazy you know it got freaky i know it stink i know it stink in the

00:59:37.260 potato head house till the room stinks at mr potato head's house okay on here it says you

00:59:43.520 when you were 15 you got accused of blasphemy on a youth mission trip for saying a salt shaker had

00:59:50.240 magic powers yes yeah and that was about the moment i decided the church might not be for me

00:59:56.640 i was playing around we were on a we were on a mission trip and we were by the way the mission

01:00:02.060 trip was like we were building some woman in tennessee a bathroom so i'm like this feels we couldn't

01:00:07.340 find anything else mission trip or task wrap that's i'm like kind of yeah and it was like it was it

01:00:12.620 was like oh this woman lives in poverty in the mountains of the smoky mountains i'm like right

01:00:16.420 but a toilet's like number one for us like she i couldn't believe it so we're having you build a

01:00:21.980 pool house oh we're digging we're digging i mean there's like shovels it's like hard labor and we're

01:00:26.300 digging to because we have to like clear like level out the ground we're digging and i found a salt and

01:00:30.340 pepper salt and pepper shakers like in the dirt from like old way back when okay and i pulled them

01:00:35.440 out and i was like oh my god you guys look i found a treasure like what if they have magic powers and

01:00:38.920 they like talk to us you know i'm like being goofy i'm like bored as fuck i'm like digging holes and

01:00:43.300 shit you know what i mean it was like and it was like in literally in the movie holes when they found

01:00:46.860 like the lipstick i'm like oh what do i get you know yeah i'm like oh my youth pastor was like

01:00:52.200 can i talk to you over here for a second

01:00:54.580 and i was like of course i'm thinking like i'm gonna get a prize or like i'm done digging for the

01:01:00.420 day or something yeah they say they give you full water and you get to go home early yeah yeah

01:01:04.500 shower yeah yeah cold shower maybe i get to talk to my attorney on the phone or something

01:01:08.300 he goes he goes he goes he goes caleb we love having fun man and you're just like a blast but um

01:01:15.120 you know at the end of the day well you shouldn't say things like that like it's like god doesn't want

01:01:22.320 to hear us talking about like objects as having like magic powers like that's like blasphemous i'm

01:01:28.080 about to start crying when he says it you know i'm so i'm like i would never blaspheme god you know

01:01:32.100 i'm like truly i'm like the creator of the universe is mad at me you know i'm like fuck

01:01:35.920 so i was so bent out of shape about it i was like truly stupid thing to get in trouble i know and

01:01:41.700 truly and i was i had not like come into my like it was this is like middle school and high school is

01:01:46.600 when i really came into my like being a problem for teachers because i would tell them to fuck off

01:01:49.760 kind of odd uh but i hadn't come into that yet so i was like the rest of the trip i was like i was

01:01:54.540 like does anyone want to do like extra scripture reading tonight you know

01:01:58.280 i'm like trying to redeem myself i'm like i'm like who wants to study extra scripture tonight

01:02:04.180 boys you know i'm like trying i also tried to get on to other people like so i try i remember i

01:02:09.540 vividly remember like two days after that still on the mission trip somebody said something that

01:02:13.240 was so clearly not blasphemy and i was like let's just be careful with blasphemy y'all

01:02:16.700 he doesn't whoa did anyone hear lucas who was doing blasphemy potentially he was probably worse

01:02:25.080 than my salt shaker am i trying to get my youth pastor's attention i'm like that's not right

01:02:28.680 should we be letting that slide or just checking

01:02:32.280 if i go down lucas is going down with me

01:02:38.120 oh my god did we see in here or what i've been to church camp a few times what really i sure have

01:02:45.660 what were you doing over there what were you doing over there uh being a fucking nuisance apparently

01:02:52.980 uh when i was uh which church camp adam knows i've been to church camp a couple times but i

01:02:58.580 remember i think the first time i went like they they split you up into teams and like obviously you

01:03:05.040 have no phones or anything for like three or four days um we were the me and my sister were the only

01:03:09.820 siblings they split up like every other sibling got put on the same team and i was like what the

01:03:14.160 fuck they knew you were too powerful immediately i was like what the fuck bro while i'm while i'm

01:03:18.800 fucking there i was just looking at it like they said two idiot girls fat fucking chance

01:03:23.600 when we did shot put in high school one time our coach separate he's like oh varsity over there jv

01:03:30.640 over there my sister and i are walking he goes not you two i'm splitting you up and i said why

01:03:34.740 and then he was like because the giggle twins need to be separated period and he called us the giggle

01:03:40.320 twins period i'm sorry i'm gonna call you all that and then me and dason laughed for so long he was

01:03:44.640 like this is what i'm talking about get over there and i was like your giggling asses over the shop

01:03:48.180 hood for real anyways at church camp i was looking at it like this is just fun ontario the wait is

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01:04:53.160 time because like it's really hard for me to like buy in in a lot of instances and stuff like that

01:04:59.300 like anything with organizer it's really hard for me i try to suspend reality while i'm when i'm in

01:05:03.940 there yeah and sometimes i felt like i felt it yeah but then most times i felt like i was holding my

01:05:08.840 hands up and i was just copying everyone yeah because i felt left out because everyone's feeling

01:05:12.640 the spirit and i couldn't yeah so i was like oh and then i remember we like when my sister my sister

01:05:18.620 was really into it but i remember most times i was like i would look at her and i'd be like

01:05:22.260 you're not buying it oh you are okay okay my bad yeah and i remember we said the sinner's prayer

01:05:27.520 together when you're like dedicating it and i remember we were saying it everyone was like so

01:05:32.160 emotional like they asked me my sister to come if we wanted to say it and my sister was like yes and

01:05:37.020 then i was like yeah yeah yeah yes dayson's gay ass yeah for real and then i was sitting there i

01:05:42.540 remember we were we were doing the prayer and we were holding hands and we're in a circle and then

01:05:46.540 i kept going to look at days and i was like oh damn she's really doing this okay fuck fuck the whole

01:05:51.020 time i was going oh fuck okay she's being for real oh fuck i was like oh she's being for real she's

01:05:56.540 being for real dude well and then things took a more serious turn so clearly i've turned away

01:06:01.180 yeah i gotta get out of here hey thank y'all so much this was a blast

01:06:05.380 true people tuning in this episode thinking they're gonna get like like us being loud gay

01:06:10.640 and crazy and us being like well when i went to church

01:06:12.720 we have similar backstories being too silly for church camp when i was involved in the religion

01:06:18.600 you know sorry sometimes we have to talk about church y'all get with it wait i was thinking

01:06:23.540 something when you were saying that about you're saying that you went to church camp sometimes

01:06:27.460 what the hell was i thinking of i don't know oh maybe i was talking about it i was talking about

01:06:31.820 it treated it like summer camp yeah the spirit yeah it's gonna have to come back to me it escaped

01:06:37.760 prayer i i do have a final fun fact for you okay i love it and this is our funnest fact i think

01:06:44.680 does the name barbara tennessee mean anything to you barbara tennessee no here's the pick

01:06:51.300 for those who want to fuck is that go ahead take her for a spin does that mean anything to you

01:06:59.080 personally barbara tennessee he thinks he knows her personally i'm so scared who is this it says

01:07:05.380 your improv team fancy fancy broke the chicago record for most consecutive cage match wins yeah

01:07:12.140 18 wins in a row yeah and your prize was a framed photo of barbara tennessee so okay so

01:07:18.540 you've you've you've you've you've gone too far and you've invoked a level of like stupid chicago

01:07:26.800 improv like you actually i'm actually worried that you're gonna think less of me when you

01:07:32.360 if you knew the kind of stupid shit i participated in in chicago improv oh a cage match yeah being

01:07:39.080 associated with your improv team called fancy fancy yeah so um

01:07:45.260 this show yeah the new pope yeah her name's barbara tennessee

01:07:52.460 we do need a southern pope yeah we need a southern woman pope who's like had it

01:07:57.340 yeah who's that woman who's that white woman that has the the podcast the i've had it podcast oh yes

01:08:01.920 yes yes and she i'm loving her by the way yeah i don't know their names but i'm loving her because

01:08:06.200 she their podcast start their podcast truly started out i i just thought i would see clips of it and it

01:08:10.760 was like she'd be like she'd be like y'all if you don't return your card at the grocery store

01:08:15.040 i have just about had it and now after the election she's got like rahm emanuel on and she's like we

01:08:20.500 will protect trans kids with our fucking lives rahm and i'm like living for that bitch i love them i

01:08:26.940 love them yeah um no this is so there was when i first moved to chicago i was working my day job i had

01:08:33.540 a crazy like three night run where like every single week on tuesday nights i would host a

01:08:39.560 midnight to 3 a.m uh improv jam with my friends matt and claire we had a team called paris texas

01:08:46.320 and we ran this show called byot bring your own team at a theater called the crowd theater which

01:08:51.960 was an attic in uh buena park chicago it feels like you're casting a spell on i know i know this

01:08:56.960 is what i'm trying to say to you it's nuts so we would do that from like midnight to like 3 a.m

01:09:00.460 on tuesday night we all had day jobs when then we would go get milkshakes across the street at

01:09:04.620 this place called windy city heroes and then i know in the plot of greece the middle of the yeah

01:09:09.680 the middle of the night we're going to like a fucking sock hop and then we i would go home my

01:09:13.720 day job i had to be up at like 6 30 in the morning because i worked uh with teachers so i would get up

01:09:19.420 at 6 30 in the morning go to downtown chicago to my office work until 4 p.m 4 30 p.m then i had an

01:09:25.420 internship at io um improv theater where i worked in the box office in exchange for free classes i

01:09:33.860 did not get paid so once a week i worked a six and a half hour shift every week for free to get free

01:09:39.500 improv classes which is of course the scam of the century but i couldn't afford improv classes so i

01:09:44.520 was like fucking hell yeah yeah because at the non-profit i worked at i made 26 000 a year yeah

01:09:49.260 living in chicago uh which was also the scam of the century so i was one of the most scammed people

01:09:53.460 alive there briefly and then wednesday nights was cage match which was this competition show where

01:09:58.060 you would you would do a set and you would compete against another team every week and whoever won

01:10:02.280 got to go on to the next week and the audience voted on who had the better set it's like march

01:10:05.840 madness truly improv kids and so we ran for 18 weeks which is psychotic and it was like there was

01:10:11.240 another team called like ll cool beans that like they had they had the record before that and they

01:10:19.900 like they were like retired or something but they came back to like try and beat us before we beat

01:10:23.820 their record psycho and we were serious about it 18 weeks is a long ass time and mind you i'm staying

01:10:29.740 up until four in the morning on tuesday night wednesday morning going to work at seven working all

01:10:35.040 day doing the internship until 11 and then cage match was at 11 30 on wednesday nights so i'd work

01:10:40.220 until my internship ended then do that show be out until two then get up and go to my day job the next

01:10:44.840 day and then it was thursday friday so it was time for the weekend shows was so crazy there was a

01:10:49.740 period of like a year and a half there where i would say per week i slept maybe on average like

01:10:55.820 three or four hours a night you're crazy it was psycho the david goggins of improv it was psycho i was

01:11:01.560 doing that to improvise for free actually i was losing money to do that and it was so much fun someone

01:11:06.760 who needs to be funny so like you're just born to be funny had to be in the in the realm of well i was

01:11:12.860 also uh working at it i mean that's the thing so some of these people i mean no no i'm not this

01:11:17.540 isn't shade to you i'm thinking in my head i'm like oh some of these people now that are just like

01:11:20.520 funny on the internet like some of these comedians that want to be doing they're like oh my god i want

01:11:24.420 to be acting and i want to be doing stand-up and i want to whatever but they're just making videos

01:11:29.040 i know i'm like girl get to a theater i'm begging you yeah if you want to be specifically on

01:11:33.640 stage you have to go be on stage you can't just get the audience and then go be on stage no you're

01:11:37.420 right like if you want to do stand-up or improv or acting like those are things that you need to go

01:11:40.820 like work the skill out in person yeah um and there's different things like you know there's

01:11:45.240 podcasting and and things like that that you can do but like the the stage work was so important

01:11:49.420 i agree it's a different energy it's a different energy and it was tough especially improv like

01:11:54.220 that's why i told i think i told you when i had sabrina bryer on yeah we left she goes me and

01:11:58.580 caleb talk about improv all the time she goes because we're like oh it's so disgusting and embarrassing

01:12:02.920 and she's like and then at the same time we're like i'm really fucking proud

01:12:06.300 well and fancy fancy was chance oh who produces my show you know and my buddy doyle and my buddy

01:12:15.840 uh gabby boyd and bryce griffin and we all we all uh me chance doyle and bryce went to college

01:12:20.140 together and gabby uh went to a different school but we so anyway when we got to chicago we formed

01:12:24.340 this five-person team and we're like we need a girl gabby will you be on our team and then yeah

01:12:28.680 we had this team called fancy fancy which when you do like the sets against each other do they give

01:12:32.780 you the same like center point to focus on or is it just random no you would come you would just

01:12:37.560 come out and i mean that this was like one of the only competition shows i think going in chicago

01:12:42.040 yeah but you would just come out and get your suggestion as normal and then okay and then do

01:12:45.560 your set and it was it wasn't even really about who was better it was like who invited more friends

01:12:49.360 basically it was like it was like who could you get to come and sit through this to like cast their

01:12:53.760 vote at the end i'm like i'm like messaging my co-workers on slack every day being like guys busy i have a

01:13:00.120 show this week if you you said you wanted to support me like this is the way like i was like

01:13:03.300 begging insanity complete insanity well you know what it's funny speaking of chicago you just had

01:13:10.080 a huge show there i came and it got to be a small part of you were the guest on the chicago theater

01:13:14.420 show which was so exciting for you that's why it's such a full circle thing for you yeah it was really

01:13:19.200 cute me you uh the chicago gay men's chorus uh shay kule love we had a fucking blast we did it was a

01:13:26.960 funny show it was fucking crazy it was a good one i think we're gonna put um i think we're gonna put

01:13:31.860 your episode out as like a bonus episode on our patreon because we recorded some of it and we've

01:13:35.760 got some like behind the scenes stuff of like me getting ready or whatever i think um that's gonna

01:13:39.600 be that's gonna be fun i remember when you get my dressing room kaleb goes yeah everyone's being

01:13:43.320 super gay today yeah everyone was they were like trying to get me to cry all day they're like chicago

01:13:50.160 theater sold out like wow like virginia was crying all day we had got to the venue and she was like

01:13:54.780 hey i just need to run some things by you and i was like yeah she was crying when i came in the

01:14:01.560 door you said that's like the sixth time chance was like hyperventilating all day like everyone was

01:14:06.720 being so gay i was like guys it's another night at work we have got to like let's pull it together

01:14:11.420 let's do the show i know you're so annoying even when i asked you are you excited you're are you

01:14:15.760 feeling emotional you're like i'll do it after the show yeah because imagine i bomb yeah i'm getting

01:14:20.460 all emo and then i bomb well let's not do the let's not do the weepy main post on instagram before

01:14:24.700 we kill let's kill first and then we'll see if we feel weepy and emotional annoying oh my god you

01:14:32.120 were so great i was so glad you could come and do it oh my god of course i'm so i'm honored to have

01:14:36.760 been asked and that was my first time seeing the bean i had never seen the bean the bean i've never

01:14:40.860 seen it before cloud gate shout out cloud gate and we went to i think it's garrett's the popcorn

01:14:46.080 is it carrots yeah we went there for the first time yeah i was trying to get the full chicago

01:14:50.700 experience yeah did you have a hot dog or a deep dish or something i had a deep dish i did not have

01:14:55.980 a hot dog dason did though yeah she loves a hot dog where'd you get deep dish i don't remember the name

01:15:00.900 oh it was really good though yeah it's delicious it's more bread and sauce than i anticipated yeah it's a

01:15:09.040 hot boiling pit in your stomach afterwards deep dish is a crazy crazy endeavor yeah it's nuts

01:15:14.900 it's really fucking nuts and i stayed at a hotel that was like it was a really nice one it was like

01:15:20.440 looked almost like art deco-y yeah but it was like right across the street from trump tower yeah

01:15:25.580 so i just took a lot of pictures of me flipping off the building why that was fun why would you do

01:15:30.420 that to our commander-in-chief that's our president i just respect the office that's yours i just

01:15:35.840 respect you

01:15:36.280 that does remind me though of when dason told me she was watching i think it was the new mr and

01:15:44.880 mrs smith she was watching one of the episodes and like you know on prime like they'll like when

01:15:49.920 they're streaming it you're like they'll pull up their imdb and they'll have your photo in your name

01:15:54.540 yeah and you were on there like next to the main two yeah and dason was like oh my god are you in

01:15:59.900 this episode i just watched it you're like funny you ask um they cut my part yeah they they kept my

01:16:04.580 voice well i don't know if i told someone this but i don't know if it was you or not but

01:16:08.100 they cut my i had a role in it that i had auditioned for and gotten that was like a cab driver for

01:16:13.020 maya's character and they kept my voice but cut my my face and just used me as like a voiceover

01:16:19.420 while she's like looking out a window or whatever which like maya's a star and she's wonderful and

01:16:23.220 that makes total sense but i was pissed i was like i flew fucking all the way to new york the time i was

01:16:27.900 living in la i flew all the way to new york i did the fucking covid precautions and did all that shit and

01:16:32.860 then did i did i worked so hard to make that scene happen because of all the flying and the

01:16:38.520 fucking fitting in my schedule and then to cut me i was pissed i was like fuck you guys and then i got

01:16:42.800 that first residual check and i said thank you i said thanks for leaving my voice in there hey

01:16:47.900 shouts out hey thank you because you actually did me a huge favor and i was being a bitch yeah i was

01:16:52.420 like thank you for leaving my voice in there that's huge thank you so much massive thank you thank you

01:16:56.960 i watched um i'll tell you after but i watched a video a movie that's coming out because i'm doing

01:17:02.120 the carpet for it and recently and i was what there's a scene where they're sitting and like

01:17:07.160 they're on a date and they're sitting in like a sushi restaurant and they're like um it was filmed

01:17:11.860 so beautifully so it's like they're the only things in focus but like everything else is kind of moving

01:17:16.200 around and there's like a hibachi like there's like an omakase chef like behind them a lot you see

01:17:21.200 them a lot yeah and we were watching the movie i was like that's what they're fucking gonna cast me

01:17:25.520 as the omakase chef the blurred omakase chef in the background my hat's really tall moving knives

01:17:32.480 like this that's like oh that's what i'm looking down the barrel of that's what i have a future of

01:17:38.140 my acting career yeah i don't think so i don't think so but i hey i'd love to see you as an omakase

01:17:43.240 chef yeah you know what you and i you me and britney need to be in a new version of the hangover

01:17:48.120 come on i pitched that to you yeah as long as britney's the one who gets lost

01:17:51.800 no that's tricksy we'll make that tricksy yeah we'll make that tricksy can be the one that's

01:17:57.460 on the fucking roof hasn't even seen our busted bald friend you know what's funny is that movie

01:18:01.840 would have been a lot shorter because we would have kept partying yeah and been like oh she'll

01:18:05.280 find us eventually anyway best of luck man yeah i fucking love you i got a tiger to deal with i love

01:18:12.800 you you're the best i love you more than life itself same i would do anything for you as long as it

01:18:17.760 fit into my schedule and it wasn't asking too much if i was feeling it that day and i was available

01:18:23.560 i would do anything for you i fucking love you thank you so much for coming back i love you buddy

01:18:28.960 you're just gonna keep coming yeah haunting me here's hoping hey i hope well if we ever find

01:18:35.860 ourselves in the senate i guess we'll see yeah we should fuck in the senate we should yeah girls

01:18:41.760 girls trip let's take britney get ready with me to fuck drew in the senate

01:18:45.560 i do i'm like putting on mascara yeah i'm like so drew and i have never i have those like the

01:18:53.080 headband get ready with me i guess i'm being presumptive i assume i'll top

01:18:56.860 you know you ain't topping with me come on

01:19:00.680 thank you so much for coming back i fucking love you thank you all so much for watching

01:19:06.160 everybody already knows because they for some reason think you're a co-host of this show but

01:19:10.920 where can everybody find you hey guys it's me caleb you can find me at caleb says things on the

01:19:16.520 internet if you want to yeah you can follow me on instagram tiktok at substack and pretty much

01:19:21.480 anywhere else that you uh are on the internet you can watch my podcast so true which comes out every

01:19:28.180 single thursday yes which drew has been a guest on multiple times and will come back to soon

01:19:32.620 yes now she has to because i did this she doesn't have a choice that's true and you can find me um in

01:19:39.220 the streets of new york city thank you thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of the

01:19:46.700 comment section show thank you so much to my amazing guest caleb heron don't forget new episodes of the

01:19:51.320 comment section come out every wednesday you can stream the audio on all streaming platforms with

01:19:54.600 the video list for free and exclusively on our favorite platform spotify please for the love of god

01:19:58.940 stop fucking asking me where can i watch this on spotify as of right now okay thank you so much

01:20:06.100 thank you to my amazing guest caleb and i'll see you next week bye

01:20:09.080 you

DOING BLASPHEMY Ft. Caleb Hearon ｜ Episode 171

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