The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - NOBODY SWEATS IN THIS INDUSTRY Ft. Matt Bellassai

00:00:00.000 my mom was like we should get generators i'm like period yeah look on instacart and they're

00:00:05.520 expensive like generators are expensive so i got two of them like one for my mom and one for my

00:00:09.780 house and my dad like texts me and was like hey are these the generators and he sends because my

00:00:16.640 parents are connected to my ring cameras too uh-huh he sends me a video of the guy and he has

00:00:21.720 it on my driveway and he's rolling it up like a log like he's just picking up one side and then

00:00:27.360 pushing it over and it's like he's slowly rolling it up like like slamming it on the ground and my

00:00:36.660 boyfriend saw it on the ring and he went open the door and he's like do you need help and the guy's

00:00:41.040 like oh yeah yeah yeah no i was just like bringing him up i think he didn't know i was like i was 0.95

00:00:45.840 watching him destroy the item that i fucking bought 0.99

00:00:49.540 hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me your favorite 0.85

00:01:00.860 everybody knows me but nobody knows where we're at so i'm gonna give you an update okay we're in new

00:01:06.320 york new york stand the fuck up that's a joke that me and adam make all the time we're in new york so 0.78

00:01:11.840 we're in a different space and i know it's kind of scary so like when you move a pet and you put 0.97

00:01:16.660 a t-shirt that smells like you in there here's a mug this is for you i'm on the right side or

00:01:23.040 your left anyways we're in new york and it's very exciting so on to the best part of every episode

00:01:29.180 which is the amazing guest today we have the one the only the iconic the legendary matt bellis

00:01:35.100 si welcome to new york thank you that's the only new york accent i can do and i won't be trying

00:01:44.920 another one yeah i appreciate that i'm glad you're not trying it again i don't know it's offensive if 0.87

00:01:51.380 i do i've lived here for 11 years but still oh damn a long time yeah over a decade so i'm a bitch now 0.96

00:01:57.800 i mean i always was kind of but so you fit in faster but now i'm now i can fight i feel you 0.86

00:02:05.400 like actually everyone's like we can see you this video

00:02:08.580 thank you so much for coming on the show thank you for having me and thank you for waiting for

00:02:14.480 me everyone matt waited so patiently for me i was late today because i had a mental breakdown this

00:02:18.380 morning check love it it's not work unless you break down at least once no yeah i usually get up

00:02:25.620 have a minor breakdown pop my antidepressants there you go yeah a couple vitamins and then

00:02:31.140 you're like that was that was kind of crazy what i was doing back there that was kind of crazy if

00:02:36.260 you're not having a breakdown before breakfast what are you doing what are you doing yeah living

00:02:40.260 normally can't relate being mentally healthy saving money saving money on therapy it's expensive god i

00:02:48.680 love my therapist yeah but i adore her i can't afford it i mean i can but i'm like why are they

00:02:54.900 charging it's expensive yeah they're like it's 400 an hour to tell you it's your mom's fault

00:03:01.240 we know you're like and if i get drunk enough i'll figure that out on my own exactly yeah i spend long

00:03:07.360 enough in any sort of bar i'll figure that out right right a girl in line for the bathroom at a bar 1.00

00:03:13.540 could tell me more than my therapist could period for free yeah i'm literally like sometimes when i

00:03:19.740 talk to my therapist and i tell her things and she's like well and she like kind of reads me a

00:03:24.900 little bit i'm like whose side are you on first of all yeah uh i'm not paying you 400 an hour to

00:03:30.660 disagree with first of all you're supposed to be on my side yeah yeah me i love my favorite thing my

00:03:36.620 therapist has ever said was just like what do you want me to tell you right now and i was like love

00:03:41.720 that you're just asking me to give you the script and you're so you're so real for that yeah which is

00:03:47.320 true sometimes you just need them to say a certain thing i want you to tell me i'm so pretty and

00:03:52.320 nothing is ever my fault yeah thoughts is that's that's so much to ask and then yeah i have to whip

00:03:58.560 out the amex and and then that's our that's our thing yeah that's our bit me when i first started

00:04:05.320 therapy i was like trying to constantly make my therapist laugh yeah me just like refusing to put

00:04:10.260 down comedy for even a second right right i got her like one time she giggled a little bit she's 1.00

00:04:15.280 like come on yeah i was like hey i got you though and then they hit you with the like is it important

00:04:20.760 to you that i find you funny and you're like okay i guess and what if i said it was right what if i

00:04:27.120 said it was huh and then what i was like my life's in your hands currently yeah so be nice to me my

00:04:34.060 therapist did at one point ask if i know now we're just talking about therapy that's all right i'm cool

00:04:39.780 with it she was like are you afraid that if we like fix you you won't be funny anymore and i was

00:04:44.580 like yeah actually huh because that's the only reason people are funny it's the way that kind of

00:04:49.040 gagged me a little bit fundamentally broken people the way that kind of gagged me a little i said

00:04:54.440 uh oh but hopefully not right hopefully not yeah i wouldn't say so your comedy doesn't just come

00:05:01.700 from a place of being a fundamentally flawed human being no way yeah mental illness maybe right 1.00

00:05:08.880 uh wit and intelligence 99 of it if you ask me i'd say i'm just so incredibly smart that's why i'm

00:05:15.420 funny exactly see for you it's so much of your stuff is a lot of other people being needing therapy

00:05:23.200 period right i'm a therapist but not really exactly i'm more so like um as long as everybody else in

00:05:30.460 the world remains like unfixed you'll be fine yeah that's job security men yeah specifically men

00:05:37.460 terrible men right you dealt with terrible men on the internet before i mean who hasn't right we've

00:05:42.220 all yeah we've all in prey i'm telling you yeah no i've never had a positive interaction with a man

00:05:48.840 on the internet gay or straight period or in between yeah one thing about them they're gonna be

00:05:54.860 consistent on the internet the brand that's their brand on the internet that is yeah every time i have

00:06:02.280 a bad interaction with a gay person i'm like don't make me hate gay people i'll do it i'll do it i saw 0.69

00:06:10.500 this i'll turn i saw this tweet once that was like i really hate when you guys make me side with a man

00:06:17.920 like that's how i feel yeah when they like make a valid point or like they're like kind of never give

00:06:24.800 it to no you still have not publicly no yeah privately yeah right in my but i'm not happy

00:06:30.600 about it tell you that much yeah you got to keep that locked up yeah locked up at all you can't give

00:06:37.700 them you take give them an inch and they take a mile right you can't not not even a little bit of

00:06:42.180 wiggle room that's why sometimes when uh people want to talk to me about like i back in the day like

00:06:47.540 when i first started like really making videos all the time i would get tagged in videos of men 0.97

00:06:52.740 saying shit like girls ladies it's okay if you have stretch marks that's the whole video half a 1.00

00:07:00.040 million likes all the comments are like this one's good like protect this one and they're like tagging 1.00

00:07:06.060 me and they're like maybe we can shout out some good ones no hey no no actually i will not be doing

00:07:12.800 that first of all who does not have stretch marks literally everybody yeah that's not exclusive to

00:07:19.060 women but okay yeah i am so upset that every time listen i got stretch marks and i've bought the

00:07:26.060 creams and i hate that every bottle of stretch mark cream has a pregnant woman on the front of it 1.00

00:07:31.800 we need to have more inclusive stretch mark creams no seriously that's a human thing right it's not

00:07:39.680 exclusive to women now at target i have to have an employee come up and unlock the thing while i point 1.00

00:07:45.020 at the stretch mark cream it's not for me though you're like giving them a story yeah it's not for

00:07:49.900 my wife actually needs this you can unlock it and then you're like thanks girl i appreciate you 0.90

00:07:55.480 i just feel like they whenever they tell me that i'm like that's bare minimum shit i'm not giving them 0.97

00:08:02.380 what do you want to give them a first place prize for not being an awful human being i hate i mean 0.92

00:08:06.760 the problem with like the tiktok algorithm is that it's just telling on yourself if you talk about like

00:08:12.280 what is on your algorithm but yeah whenever i see like a shirtless man doing the absolute minimum

00:08:17.680 i'm like come on and people eat it up they do sometimes i want to tell them stand up stand up

00:08:24.520 immediately that's what i want to tell when they sit it's like a man with like a dangly earring and

00:08:29.140 then they're like ladies like it's okay if you don't shave your legs every once in a while 1.00

00:08:34.220 uh they've weaponized the dangly earring the dangly earring and the pearl necklace have become

00:08:39.300 weapons of war i always think like i'm like men like that are like blending in just enough but

00:08:48.620 you know it's down there right it's like i can like i feel like a drug dog i can sniff it you know

00:08:54.060 what i mean like if i sniff you long enough i'll find it yeah yeah yeah tsa that dog walking around

00:08:58.900 that's me every man that crosses paths with me right there are a few men who on online like i've seen

00:09:05.140 and i'm like i don't know i just have a feeling like there's just a vibe that they give me and

00:09:09.520 then they also never like interact with my content never follow me that's pretty telling to me too

00:09:15.600 right and you're like oh you don't follow me just misogynist so you hate women just recently there was

00:09:23.860 one guy that like i felt that way from the beginning of my tiktok journey to now and i just recently like

00:09:30.780 literally a month ago like someone confirmed to me that he is in fact a rife misogynist uh-huh and i

00:09:37.080 was like i knew it yeah and as a virgo i love being right right oh i love to be right when is your

00:09:43.160 birthday september 18th next week yes week and a half week and a half from now happy early birthday

00:09:49.160 thank you when's your birthday it was august 2nd oh okay so you're a leo yeah love that for you

00:09:55.220 naturally i have to say too before i forget i've loved you ever since your wine about it series right

00:10:00.660 my favorite my early alcoholic days that series was genuinely one of my favorite things to watch

00:10:08.640 thank you school yeah i just think you're genius brilliant thank you thank you yeah i was throwing

00:10:14.480 back bottles of wine at work at work i love that i remember watching and i was thinking you're so

00:10:21.220 funny and i was thinking like that's so awesome that you can like just do that and be so yeah but

00:10:26.000 then i was legit drunk at work got like 2 p.m on a monday and then it would have like meetings that

00:10:33.660 have to go to and you're like you want me to do things after this no it was it was difficult we

00:10:39.820 decided that we would film before we used to get free lunches on mondays and so we would film before

00:10:46.540 the free lunch so then i could like you know douse it yeah they go soak it up yeah some tacos and

00:10:53.220 stuff something real greasy some that's actually pretty smart yeah planning around your lunch time

00:10:58.040 well the problem was we the first time we went to film we filmed at like 5 p.m so then it was like

00:11:04.840 okay it's the end of the day and normal time to be drinking a bottle of wine and i was like

00:11:08.980 but the lighting is better at noon though that's literally why we started doing it in the middle of

00:11:15.360 the day aesthetic's more important right and then don't forget about your meeting later on today

00:11:20.140 how do you drink now do you are you do you feel good do you feel better when you drink now because

00:11:33.180 i feel like my drinking has gotten a lot like my tolerance for alcohol okay that's what i meant

00:11:38.920 relax mine has gotten so your tolerance has gone up or down down significantly same since when i was 0.99

00:11:46.280 like a little fatty in college like right when i was a big whore right i could drink a sailor bitch 1.00

00:11:51.500 girl i could drink a man under the table we used to drink skull which is like the vodka that's in 1.00

00:11:57.440 like a disintegrating bottle yeah pour it fast enough the bottle will just fall apart that yeah my body

00:12:03.520 used to be able to take that that's crazy no now i have like a glass of wine and i'm like climbing trees

00:12:10.100 going out of work tomorrow yeah immediately yeah no my tolerance is terrible i think it's the

00:12:15.260 combination of like getting a little older and truly antidepressants really they'll be like yeah

00:12:21.360 this will make every drink that you have worth like three drinks damn right you save money that's

00:12:27.660 true i think being a lightweight is a good thing that's true that's when i was younger well i've talked 0.97

00:12:32.980 about this before too i'm like when you're young i feel like you drink to get fucked up you don't drink 0.96

00:12:36.800 right because you like the taste it's just like you want to get trashed because you want to have 0.64

00:12:40.120 fun yeah um when i was young i could drink i drank like crazy if i did that now i'd be sent to a

00:12:47.380 hospital no yeah mental hospital if i drink a full bottle of wine right now it would be body bag it

00:12:53.120 was so bad when a few months ago i remember i went with my boyfriend to my in-law's house and we just

00:13:00.060 hung out it's like normal um barbecue i had four light beers uh-huh light light

00:13:06.760 next 90 calories light beers in the sense that i was like these are fine like they're gonna hurt 0.95

00:13:11.600 me next day i thought i had covid i literally was calling i'm like what the fuck like i was like i 0.83

00:13:16.540 feel so terrible i feel so awful like me just like acting like i'm literally dying yeah uh because it 0.78

00:13:21.440 felt like i was and then i called my mom i was crying i'm like something's wrong with me like i took

00:13:25.920 three covid tests and it says negative but i feel so sick and uh she's like do you have like a fever

00:13:30.280 or anything i'm like no i just feel so awful like my head hurts i'm nauseous and my mom was like

00:13:34.400 didn't you drink yesterday and i was like i had four light beers might as well have been water

00:13:39.200 no and then she was like i think you're hungover yeah wrong wrong your body is changing it's going

00:13:47.340 against me is what it's doing that's not cool yeah no i i just can't do it anymore i so i do stand up

00:13:54.600 and i'll drink during my stand-up shows and i yeah there has been a couple of times more recently than

00:14:00.740 i'd like to admit where i've been on stage and been like oh i still know i have 30 minutes left

00:14:07.900 but i am struggling up here and it's never i've never thrown up on stage that is my that's good

00:14:14.820 yeah that's a good thing i've actually only thrown up from drinking four times i've only that's actually

00:14:20.580 not bad i take pride in that that's that is actually really good yeah i think i've thrown up

00:14:24.680 like two times wow yeah i thought i was bragging and then you hit me with a lower number i'm a lot

00:14:31.840 younger than you that's true you still have time to catch up like so much younger than you're basically

00:14:39.620 a child oh my god i know drink i'm gonna be 28 okay yeah so like it's i got more time on me i think

00:14:47.500 right i'm only 33 even though i have the hairline of a much older man and the the breasts of a much

00:14:54.700 younger woman yeah period my yeah my tolerance is at the bottom of the barrel truly okay well that's

00:15:01.540 that makes me feel good i feel like i've found community in that yeah yeah of like people who

00:15:06.140 wish they could drink more but yeah i'm like they're like do you want to drink i'm like nah i'm good

00:15:10.360 yeah and even like because i'm just like an internet dickhead for living um whenever i go to like

00:15:15.320 things with other internet people and like oh i have so many friends on the internet too but like

00:15:19.420 everyone that's on the internet now especially is like young and soaking wet don't know why

00:15:26.620 but they're 90 pounds oh yeah yeah shiny wet and 19 right so every time i meet people they're like

00:15:34.640 do you want to drink and i'm like no i'm good yeah like do you like not drink or something

00:15:38.400 i don't like that tone right first of all fix it judgmental yeah yeah fix it no immediately

00:15:44.140 gen z i don't know are you gen z i'm millennial okay yeah i'm like right in the middle right

00:15:49.500 no i can't if i talk to someone who's gen z for more than like five minutes i'll end up crying

00:15:54.820 there it scares me there's something else they really are there's something else it's almost like

00:16:01.200 too much access to information is a bad thing sometimes right yeah you grew up in the worst

00:16:07.280 possible time no seriously your brain has been fundamentally transformed by the internet like

00:16:12.980 actually yeah like we at least remember dial up yeah that's what i'm saying to some extent i

00:16:19.420 remember dial up don't get me wrong i had a house computer sure sure sure i had a house the corner

00:16:25.040 desk yeah exactly and then my sister and i we would like play games on the computer when we were younger

00:16:30.960 but like we'd set like a timer my mom would be like set this time where you guys each get like 0.99

00:16:35.740 10 minutes because nobody can be on the phone yeah exactly at the same time kind of thing so i do

00:16:40.560 remember that good good good that's why sometimes people don't believe me when i say i'm a millennial

00:16:44.800 but i was born 95 i think the cutoff's like 98 or something yeah i'm at that point in my dating life

00:16:51.320 where i'm like i don't know it scares me to go younger than like 27 at the very lowest yeah i don't

00:17:00.120 know in gay years it feels like every year is like monumentally something happens yeah no i i you know 0.59

00:17:07.500 what's funny is i feel like i just talked about this with my sister my friend one of my friends

00:17:12.540 because we were talking about how like you're so different when you're like 21 right even to like

00:17:17.940 24 like that is a huge difference yeah no i won't talk to anybody younger than 24 period

00:17:24.520 even like a child the last time i like interacted with a literal child was i don't know the 2010s

00:17:33.620 maybe i have not i don't like to see it i don't like i feel that yeah i feel it that's fair that's

00:17:40.320 kind of how i feel about really older people so like when people like date like much older like

00:17:46.040 when people date older oh sure what do you talk about yeah the 2008 housing crisis like what do you

00:17:52.040 talk about yeah that's it you know what i'm saying that's it the great depression i don't know what was

00:17:55.920 the cable car like i don't know it is depressing yeah to see people like on the dating apps or

00:18:02.900 grinder be like no no one older than like 31 and it's like okay that's really young right but that's

00:18:11.940 like i guess i'm a dad now you're geriatric apparently yeah which is true everything i've said so far

00:18:19.440 indicates that i am in fact geriatric i mean you and me both yeah i'm a i'm like an 80 year old man

00:18:24.640 mentally if i'm being honest i made a like joke the other day uh to someone and i like like i kind

00:18:31.780 of gagged him a little bit and we like laughed about it and then my sister was talking to me

00:18:35.600 about it afterwards and she's like you kind of got him a little bit i was like i know i was like

00:18:38.920 because he was making jokes about me so i was making jokes about him like we're riffing you know

00:18:42.520 and uh i kind of stunted i stumped him a little bit and then i was like hey if you're gonna hit the 0.99

00:18:48.600 king you gotta kill the king you know what i mean uh-huh and dason was like what the fuck does that 0.98

00:18:52.640 even mean you know like if you like i'm like really good and if you attack me you gotta be 0.99

00:18:59.660 better than me right right she's like i don't like when you say old timey sayings yeah no that is a

00:19:04.800 little bit like you were coming at him with popeye language a little bit i thought this was a safe

00:19:11.020 space my bad it's fine no i got it i just yeah sometimes i feel like even because sometimes a lot

00:19:19.240 of some of my friends they'll like date older men and they'll like go on dates with them and so

00:19:22.900 just for funsies i'm like slay bitch i mean do what you gotta do but then when i talk to them 1.00

00:19:28.200 later i'm like what do you guys talk about right i'm so curious like what do you talk about 0.85

00:19:31.900 i don't know that's what i'm saying like yeah like an older guy nobody older than yeah like a few

00:19:39.020 years older than me same that's what i'm saying same no the age difference has never been higher

00:19:43.680 than like i think the highest was like five right if that so like someone in their 40s or above

00:19:50.120 that is like still not bad but i'm like middle age right right i just don't know what we have in

00:19:56.100 common nothing yeah especially on a dating level you know what i'm saying but see the thing about

00:20:03.000 gays is like we are everyone is like perpetually like 15 yeah that's true that's a good point it's 1.00

00:20:10.520 not a good thing but it is true so it's easier right yeah i feel like everybody has sort of

00:20:16.860 been stunted at that age so yeah that's fair yeah the oldest guy i ever dated was like i think five

00:20:23.940 years older than me yeah maybe a little bit older but you were like 15 not even i was 21 no he was

00:20:32.280 older than that i think he was 29 so eight years yeah um and he turned out to be one of the worst

00:20:37.520 people i've ever met so listen see you never know pattern established i think yeah i don't know i'm

00:20:44.740 gambling right now yeah with there's someone i'm talking to who is like five years younger where i'm

00:20:51.080 like seen yeah you're just testing the waters it does feel like i'm dating a preschooler but also

00:20:57.460 you never know you never know yeah at least you have like uh like what you said you guys all

00:21:04.680 kind of have the same like mindset to some extent so at least at least like for like 0.89

00:21:08.960 fucking straight guys like it's just as soon as they hit they go past 25 right they just know 0.97

00:21:15.840 everything to ever exist in the entire world ever so like anytime they talk to women it's like 1.00

00:21:21.080 no they talk to like they're the stupidest bitch on planet earth and that's the part that really 1.00

00:21:25.160 fucking irks me which is why i think on my platform i just tell them to suck my wiener and 1.00

00:21:29.120 that's like more than enough and then they're like they're this bitch is an idiot i'm like well i don't 1.00

00:21:33.500 need to prove to you no that i don't have a double digit iq right um i could just tell you to eat 1.00

00:21:39.100 my ass and that's funny 1.00

00:21:39.980 i am a stupid bitch so that's why i'm like i don't i'm not pretending to be like some wise 1.00

00:21:54.420 older man i'm like at the end of the day i'm a stupid i'll tell you when i'm the stupid when i'm 1.00

00:21:59.960 the dumbest bitch like when i truly feel like the dumbest person alive is like when i do anything 1.00

00:22:03.700 related to my car yeah anything literally at all i feel like what misogynists believe women to be 1.00

00:22:10.200 right i am that person right i am that fucking girl like you're like paying for tire like air for your 0.99

00:22:15.500 tire girl when i had to get tires replaced i'm like talking to the guy on the phone i'm like hey i 0.98

00:22:19.820 i got like two flat like i had um tiny holes in two of my tires so i'm like i had to replace both of

00:22:25.320 them and he's like okay like can you tell me and he might as well have been speaking mandarin to me 0.88

00:22:31.080 bitch like i don't know what you're saying like you're asking me a bunch of questions i don't know 1.00

00:22:33.760 the answers to right so he asked me all these questions and i'm like i'm gonna tell you what 0.99

00:22:37.160 i know about this car it's gray right as far as it goes for me like i don't drive because i live in

00:22:42.800 new york and i i've had to rent cars for gigs and i there was one i'd never been in a car where you

00:22:51.160 had to press the button to start it like a push to start yeah which is now every vehicle yeah uh

00:22:58.300 and someone had to come up it was like i was sitting in i was looking up like youtube videos

00:23:03.840 on how to start this car and someone had to come up and show me so that's how little i know about

00:23:11.780 vehicles you got me like i went to college you're like i have a degree yeah but i i don't know

00:23:18.320 something happened probably all of the wine i drank i just lost too many brain cells and now

00:23:23.920 i like smoke weed and so that is i feel that i love that that's a big reason why i don't drink

00:23:28.800 anymore anyways yeah because i prefer that right the cali diet i'm telling you i just think i don't 0.92

00:23:35.160 feel like shit the next morning and i don't shit in my own bed so i feel right that works out for me 0.97

00:23:39.660 yeah maybe a little meant too many rice krispie treats but that's for right me to confront that's 1.00

00:23:45.720 no one else's problem are your lungs turning into like popcorn sure sure but hey hey it's

00:23:53.580 better than nicotine i don't smoke yeah exactly there you go see that's a perfect example of a

00:23:58.640 conversation i have my therapist and i'm like tell me i'm not a bad person you tell me i'm always right

00:24:02.080 and nothing's ever my fault i think that's acceptable yeah no that sounds right to me yeah

00:24:07.740 my other advice see the problem i maintain that like people will say oh smoking weed is healthier

00:24:14.220 than drinking but then like i'll smoke weed and order like the worst thing you can possibly put in

00:24:20.040 your body and the amount of times so different i have door dashed just a single slice of cake

00:24:25.860 often when i tell you i'll pay 25 for a single slice of chocolate cake

00:24:33.080 i wish i was joking i'll pull up my seamless history right now and it is

00:24:39.960 it is bad i hired a business manager recently and they're like helping me like do taxes and

00:24:47.040 all that and uh my mom they were like what are these expenses my mom is one of my managers and

00:24:51.840 she was like helping me with my taxes and she was like yeah it's mostly just like door dash orders

00:24:56.680 i'm like okay first of all don't need to put that in email thank you though love you to death

00:25:00.560 don't need to put that in email i relate so bad truly that's all it is the amount of money i

00:25:06.720 spend on seamless embarrassing well also i think too like you know this too like we travel a lot

00:25:13.800 so it's like i'll buy groceries and they'll go bad because i'll be gone for two weeks yeah come back

00:25:19.100 then i buy groceries for one day then i leave for two days then they're gone they're bad so like the

00:25:24.620 only choice you have is to eat out which is frustrating there's in a different way stuff in

00:25:28.880 the back of my refrigerator that i'm too afraid to touch because like yeah once it reaches i have a

00:25:35.360 sourdough starter from 2020 that it's in a special little crock that i bought and i'm too afraid to

00:25:41.720 open the lid i'm not even joking you're like whatever's going on under there it's none of my

00:25:45.420 business at this point at this point it is give it to god let the universe it has a full pulse i don't

00:25:51.960 think i can even legally throw it away at this point because abortion under there yeah i cannot

00:25:57.180 i need to bring that sourdough crock to mexico in order to dispose of it i uh recently when i came

00:26:08.260 to new york i'm going to be here for a while so like my uncle was house sitting for me and i have

00:26:12.960 a dog so he's like watching him and he was like i was like all right we're gonna take off go to the

00:26:17.560 airport and he's like okay cool do you mind if i throw away some stuff like some food that yeah that

00:26:23.340 looks kind of bad right and i was like oh yeah i know there's like a couple of bananas that are like

00:26:27.680 a little ripe but like they're not that bad he goes no those aren't the ones i'm talking about and i

00:26:32.220 went and looked and i have girl i have some rotten ass bananas i was like oh my god i forgot about those 0.78

00:26:37.880 i was like i'm so embarrassed he goes i'm gonna go ahead and like empty out a bunch of stuff yeah yeah 0.73

00:26:42.540 yeah that's good though if you have someone else do it that's fine i have i'll fully throw away

00:26:48.280 a thing of tupperware once it gets too gross i'm like i'll buy new ones i don't want to touch that

00:26:53.940 i don't even trust it anymore you know what whatever i'll i'll take it i'll i'll own the

00:27:00.740 expense yeah even with doordash like i showed my sister i don't know if you guys have it here but

00:27:05.840 they have like the express on there do you guys have that yeah i'm a rush order seamless and they

00:27:11.380 don't do that seamless is like the east coast version of grubhub oh okay yeah okay it's literally

00:27:17.080 the same app but they just call it seamless here i don't know why so i mostly use that they don't

00:27:23.760 have like priority delivery oh i see yeah doordash has that and it's like for an extra four dollars or

00:27:29.560 something and i showed my sister that because she had never seen that i'm like yeah do they have like

00:27:33.820 an express thing i was like press it and then she was like i wish you never showed me that thing

00:27:37.640 because it gets there like 40 minutes faster yeah and i'm like i'll pay it that's what instacart has

00:27:42.560 you use instacart hell yeah all the time see here's the thing this is kind of controversial

00:27:46.920 because the joke on like the internet is that if you get assigned a male shopper your order is 0.88

00:27:53.920 automatically going to be fucked up because men do not know how to shop period and it is like a 0.99

00:27:59.960 privileged thing to complain about absolutely people have come back and then been like oh i'm sorry 0.99

00:28:04.200 that the like slave that you hired didn't get your right order and i'm like okay but i did just

00:28:11.380 long story short i had a bunch of bug bites from a wedding i was at that was outside desperately needed

00:28:17.720 this is the kind of things that i instacart desperately needed some calamine lotion okay this

00:28:23.500 was like three days ago and so it was like 10 30 at night and i found a walgreens that had

00:28:29.220 this lotion spray and i ordered it and got assigned a male shopper and i was like okay so i'm not

00:28:36.760 getting this lotion for sure and he got there and then i get the message that like they don't have the

00:28:42.260 item that you want and then he sends me a picture of the shelf with all the itch stuff and i see the

00:28:48.560 fucking thing on the shelf in the picture that he sent me he's like i tried my absolute hardest right 0.87

00:28:54.780 he just walked in i was like it's literally the pink bottle it's also like the one thing that is 0.99

00:28:59.020 the brightest color yeah it's like i was like a little more bottle right there and then he sends 0.98

00:29:04.820 me a picture of a red bottle that was on a different shelf i was like are you fucking getting 0.98

00:29:10.120 me it's the exact name of the thing that i punched in you're like and they show you a picture of it i

00:29:16.820 feel like you're playing a trick on me yeah then he tried to call me and i was like no we're not

00:29:21.560 talking i'm absolutely not answering that figure it out no i will never answer the phone for anybody

00:29:26.460 i was like it's the pink bottle yeah that'll piss me off and i paid like 30 dollars just for this

00:29:32.840 itch cream i you're right about it being like a privileged thing to complain about so we know

00:29:38.640 that yeah um but even like i ordered because the hurricane that like hit like mexico and right

00:29:45.720 went up the coast um i ordered generators like and that's only because i don't have a sam's club card

00:29:53.360 which is like a costco i don't have that and also i was like doing a bunch of stuff for work so i was

00:29:58.440 like okay my mom was like we should get generators i'm like period yeah i'll look on instacart and

00:30:04.320 they're expensive like generators are expensive so i got two of them like one for my mom and one for my

00:30:08.740 house and so we were like i ordered them the guy was like no problem i got it it it's a man i'm like

00:30:16.060 okay and i'm like okay i'm trusting that you're okay he took a very long time to bring them to me

00:30:21.700 far longer than it said and i was like that's fine i'm not in a rush right as long as you bring it

00:30:26.560 and and it was like a mini fridge and a george foreman grill not at all what you asked for

00:30:31.640 it's just like two random things but he like he brings them to my house and like i have like ring

00:30:38.520 cameras all over my house like all around the perimeter of it yeah and my dad like text me and

00:30:44.460 was like hey are these the generators and he sends because my parents are connected to my ring cameras

00:30:49.760 too uh-huh he sends me a video of the guy and he has it on my driveway and he's rolling it up like a

00:30:56.080 log like he's just picking up one side and then pushing it over and it's like he's slowly rolling it

00:31:05.980 up like like slamming it on the ground it's in it's not in a steel case it's in like a plastic box or

00:31:11.380 a cardboard box and my boyfriend saw it on the ring and he went open the door and he's like do you need

00:31:17.340 help and the guy's like oh yeah yeah yeah no i was just like bringing them up i think he didn't know

00:31:21.500 i was like i was watching him destroy the item that i fucking bought did they work i honestly don't 0.96

00:31:28.340 know i'm kind of scared to turn them on my dad was like i hope those work when we try to gas them up 0.83

00:31:32.940 i'm like i i'm inclined that is the thing i i do love videos of delivery drivers like just 0.89

00:31:39.300 absolutely throwing shit onto just not caring not giving a shit not one bit and i'm like you know 0.96

00:31:44.480 what but it's also like go off king we know they're being treated horribly that's what i'm saying go off 0.99

00:31:49.640 king what you gotta do like i'm cool with it i actually deserve this for ordering it i'm not gonna

00:31:54.380 get mad at you that's why i was like i saw it and i was like well you know maybe they're heavy

00:31:59.220 that was the thing about the instagram i was like i don't i can't even get mad because like

00:32:04.040 you have my address and i'm not about to pick a fight with some rando no seriously yeah especially 0.99

00:32:10.040 here yeah especially here absolutely not they don't give a fuck i cannot defend myself for shit 0.98

00:32:16.480 when i first came here i used to really really not like new york yeah 0.98

00:32:28.540 um because i'm just like nobody likes it it's not like they tolerate it we're not having fun

00:32:33.920 yeah they tolerate it yeah they're just okay with it i feel like uh because i'm just like a west coast

00:32:40.160 person that's why it's so different over here but i think i really hated it in the beginning because i

00:32:45.500 just genuinely don't like how little human space there is here that's one and i'm a large person so

00:32:52.760 like i feel like i'm always in the way here and also one of the things that pissed me off the most was

00:32:57.680 like nobody believes in escalators and what they're used for here they use them like stairs yeah which

00:33:03.780 is not what they're used my least favorite and like somehow i'm the asshole if i'm using it the way 0.99

00:33:09.400 god intended yeah even like that people mover at the airport oh well one girl called me a fucking 0.95

00:33:15.760 bitch because i was like standing but like off to the side i agree i'm so sorry but first of all hold on 0.99

00:33:22.860 before you drag me let me give context we land it was a red eye we landed at two in the morning 0.92

00:33:28.800 okay okay no one in the airport like hardly any okay i moved to the side i'm walking but slowly

00:33:36.220 so like i could have been standing right i might as well have been but like i was walking just slowly

00:33:42.260 and she got pissed off at me and i told hey guys scoot to the side this girl wants to go around 1.00

00:33:47.460 yeah and she's like yeah you fucking bitch and she just kept going okay well i'm never gonna call 1.00

00:33:52.060 someone a bitch to their face um but i was like well come back here and tell me that girl like yeah 1.00

00:33:57.960 yeah thought y'all were all about confronting people here because i'm from chicago and i feel like the 0.98

00:34:03.320 chicago airport is the biggest offender of that where every time i land in chicago i'm like yes these 0.98

00:34:09.180 are my people but like if you don't move your fucking ass on the moving sidewalk yeah this is not 0.99

00:34:16.180 we're not this is not break time especially in the airport because you're like i'm trying to get 1.00

00:34:21.140 the fuck out of here yeah no i airport's awful not only do i move at new york speed i move at gay 0.99

00:34:25.860 new york speed which is already like 1.75 so i'm like come on get out of my way move move move move 0.99

00:34:32.200 yeah an escalator the amount of times i've been on an escalator here and i've been like shoulder

00:34:36.480 checked because i'm standing and using it the way that it's supposed to be used it's crazy

00:34:40.920 that's the thing about master the new york vibe is not like the stereotype is that we're all 0.97

00:34:47.160 assholes and it's not that we're assholes it's just there's eight nine million people on top of 0.94

00:34:52.560 one another and like very true everybody is just in a bad mood it's not like we're not trying to be 0.99

00:34:58.940 assholes we just don't want people to get in our way i feel that even when we were like we went to a 0.74

00:35:04.280 bagel shop like the first day we were here and um we were like standing in line and he was like next 0.91

00:35:11.300 and then we weren't ready so we were just watching and then he goes next like scream and then i was

00:35:17.000 like you can go in front of us yeah i was like okay good and he walked around us i was like my bad my

00:35:21.120 bad i'll make someone feel so bad if they if you get to the register and your apple pay and or credit

00:35:28.920 card is not out get out get out of the bagel shop i'm not playing around that's why like sometimes

00:35:35.500 i'll literally only here is like where i will look up a menu before i go if i know it's not a sit down

00:35:42.140 yeah because i don't want to be embarrassed like that and i didn't do it and we all got embarrassed

00:35:47.160 my whole party right all five of us when i'm with the group and the waiter comes over and says are we

00:35:52.140 ready and then like there's a pause i feel it's my obligation to be like give us a minute these 0.99

00:35:59.420 bitches are not ready i feel personally responsible to tell everyone i'm like i know you fucking hate us 0.99

00:36:06.180 right now five second pause they just took i'm like i'm ready but some people are if you want to 0.98

00:36:13.060 start preparing my food that would be great actually but can i put my order in now actually

00:36:17.740 that's definitely a new york thing for sure it is when when it's like a standing order thing

00:36:23.640 if i'm trying to read and i have terrible vision so i can't read that 0.27 font i can't read it from

00:36:31.320 where i'm standing no you got to look it up ahead of time you know what you're doing or i have my

00:36:34.960 boyfriend read me the menu or my sister i'm like hey what does that say underneath no i'll do the

00:36:40.000 thing where especially if it's like a date where i have to pretend like i didn't look it up ahead of

00:36:44.960 time know exactly what i'm ordering the second i sit down yeah this looks i wonder what that is

00:36:52.040 pretend to peruse yeah especially at a restaurant where like i have to google what the items are

00:36:57.640 do you have to do that yeah at like uh especially here because some places like especially a french

00:37:03.460 restaurant right if it's french or even italian italian is a great one i i don't fucking know 0.92

00:37:08.840 right they're just inventing pastas that i've never heard of before and i'm italian i'm like 0.86

00:37:13.920 you should make me look dumb i'm on to you just call it chicken we don't have to be calling it 0.88

00:37:18.980 all this fancy poisson that is like a chicken thing that i had to look up oh is that that's 0.91

00:37:24.820 french yeah yeah yeah it's like a baby chicken is it really yeah i'm thinking of that song from

00:37:30.940 the little mermaid and that makes me think of crab sure it's like land poisson oh don't act like

00:37:36.560 you don't know the song i now you're making me look silly no i know it i'm not gonna sing it

00:37:41.960 okay good you know it then yeah i thought he was singing about crabs but apparently i'm glad you

00:37:50.360 told me that's not what it means so i'm not embarrassed i mean it makes more sense that he

00:37:54.380 would be singing about crabs but he was singing about chickens actually i may be yeah i don't know

00:37:59.660 or maybe i ate crab and i just thought it was chicken i've never actually been to europe have

00:38:12.580 you been to europe yeah i have yeah actually i've been to spain i've been to england and i've been to

00:38:21.520 italy and how did the airport in france oh the airport i think the best the best example that i

00:38:30.240 could give is that i when i flew to london we had a layover in france at the airport there and i went

00:38:37.600 to starbucks in the french airport because i was like okay local cuisine and i ordered a sandwich and

00:38:44.920 the french barista was like you get it yourself okay and i was like he like could not believe i

00:38:53.400 was asking him to like fetch me a sandwich he was like you get it yourself and so and then i got to

00:39:00.140 london and that week i went to a coffee shop and they had sandwiches and i went to reach for it and

00:39:05.660 the guy was like do not touch the sandwiches and i was like what is happening yeah so europe was very

00:39:13.140 disoriented like i don't understand your culture i'm so sorry yeah what does he mean like you go

00:39:17.700 and get it yourself and like it was like of you know sometimes there's the glass case of stuff that

00:39:23.220 you are able to reach in and get and then sometimes they fetch it from behind yeah and i yeah i just

00:39:29.000 got it wrong and it was that was on me of course because there was no signs and my bad if you're i look

00:39:36.740 so american i can't believe that you're like every country i've ever been to they just come up and

00:39:41.280 immediately start speaking english like there's no question that i am not from there so i'm like

00:39:47.220 you should know that i don't know what i'm doing yeah please look at me literally look at me and if 0.68

00:39:52.100 you try to order just like a coffee they're like where do you fucking think you are this is not what 0.92

00:39:58.020 do you mean coffee what is it espresso right you either have to get like an americano like it's never 0.97

00:40:04.040 just a coffee they're all my fucking bad yeah jeez please i know i'm a little nervous to go to europe 0.97

00:40:10.860 i'm supposed to go i think next year but i'm i'm only nervous because i am a virgo like i've 0.74

00:40:18.740 established already which means i really need to know literally everything about where i'm going at

00:40:23.640 all times like i need to be that's good tuned in and if i don't speak the language and i don't

00:40:28.340 understand they're like how everything works that makes me nervous yeah which is my mental illness

00:40:33.800 or is it just me being a virgo so you got to get on duolingo now i am actually on duolingo but i'm

00:40:40.840 not learning like french no first of all that owl is a terrorist let's talk about the scariest mascot

00:40:49.700 that they can possibly come up with they're going crazy duolingo owl yeah she's everywhere she 0.97

00:40:56.040 walks carpets yeah she was at the barbie premiere she went to like a sex club in berlin and they 0.93

00:41:01.160 were putting her in like leather gear are you being serious absolutely serious i didn't see that 0.99

00:41:07.080 yeah what the fuck duolingo owl is getting like fisted in germany and it'll tell you how to ask for 0.98

00:41:14.700 it i guarantee it they speak every language at that point no but if yeah i i had it for a little while 0.98

00:41:20.020 and if you like don't do it every day they like threaten you they're so i will be in your inbox being

00:41:24.380 like i'm under your bed you don't i'm calling in an airstrike to your house if you don't do your 0.75

00:41:29.540 lesson today immediately i know i was teaching myself um native hawaiian sure i was trying to

00:41:35.280 learn native hawaiian because i'm someone so like i'm trying to learn someone at the same time and

00:41:39.720 a lot of indigenous languages like polynesian indigenous languages are all somewhat similar

00:41:45.820 yeah in a lot of ways um but also like someone's a dying language so that's not on duolingo but

00:41:52.980 hawaiian is so i was like okay i'm gonna teach myself right i don't think that will help me in

00:41:57.780 france no it won't unfortunately i also don't know how i'll be perceived in those countries because

00:42:03.820 i do look vastly different than anyone that lives there yeah so i do think about that a lot

00:42:10.020 me sticking out like a sore thumb kind of thing yeah they seem so unwelcome to everybody

00:42:16.500 like literally everyone also i heard uh most of england doesn't have air conditioning which i find to

00:42:22.660 be against god personally yeah i think that's true of like most of europe yeah like no air conditioning

00:42:28.060 right why do people visit there right especially in the summer like you innovated the bidet you've had 0.98

00:42:33.980 that you've had clean pussy forever hello we can't not sweat i'm like you colonized every 1.00

00:42:40.560 culture on this goddamn planet but you didn't create air conditioning i don't understand yeah 1.00

00:42:44.820 i don't understand that one bit i don't get it right personally i can't relate are you sweaty girl 0.99

00:42:48.620 i'm a very sweaty girl i'm so sweaty it's awful i have sweat through layers this body is a prison

00:42:54.880 it really is i i cannot handle especially in this industry nobody sweats why i don't know botox

00:43:02.780 that's that's what i've heard yeah but then some people tell me that it worked for a while and

00:43:07.580 then they had to like re-up it and then it comes back like twice as hard yeah and then i think to

00:43:12.120 myself i don't have the commitment to keep going back to those appointments um so i'm like should i

00:43:19.840 just suffer and sweat through my jeans or like what do i do right because i'll tell you what's not

00:43:24.440 cute sweating in a getty image not my fave not my favorite thing in the world i'll be honest with you

00:43:29.980 yeah no i just avoid looking up myself on getting images because i'm sure that's a horror show i like

00:43:37.360 went to a carpet recently and the car it's obviously been like ungodly hot outside lately even in

00:43:43.600 california it's horrible but i was like okay carpet outside mentally prepared now and then they put it

00:43:49.920 inside so i was like okay period maybe this is the one carpet i do where i'm not hot i go in that room 0.97

00:43:56.100 it's at least 90 degrees uh florida humidity in there what the fuck i'm like do you guys have 0.97

00:44:02.300 the heaters on what's going on uh and i'm the only bitch sweating when i tell you there's 400 people 0.99

00:44:08.240 in there and i am the only person sweating yeah targeted attack racist if you will i agree it's 0.97

00:44:14.260 racist homophobic someone's against women in this room yeah no every award show every like carpet

00:44:20.340 event that i've been to has been a humiliation it's never gone my way ever what's your worst

00:44:28.300 experience okay there's two one one was not really a carpet i i got invited to this screening okay for

00:44:36.040 this movie and um i thought it was just like show up and like you're gonna watch the movie and did not

00:44:42.120 realize it was like a carpet got you and because they're unclear sometimes yeah they did not say at

00:44:47.080 all and i showed up like in jeans and a t-shirt and a baseball hat and like miss america was there

00:44:52.980 she had like a floor-length gown on you're like oh well one of us had to change i was also like 0.95

00:44:59.180 stoned as fuck and yeah it was embarrassing because they were like do you want to walk the carpet i was 0.95

00:45:04.440 like no no where's my seat no actually i don't yeah thank you though the craziest carpet store it's not 0.99

00:45:13.120 well this is it's more an award show story gotcha um because i won the people's choice award period

00:45:21.260 for social media back in 2016 it was the first time they had that award love um and because it was such

00:45:30.080 a new award they were like you're not going to get it on stage but we'll hand it to you in the audience

00:45:35.700 we'll like come back from commercial and the camera will be on you and we'll hand it to you okay

00:45:41.180 they like made try was in my seat before they came back and they were like okay this is it and

00:45:45.780 uh they came back from commercial a seat filler walked in front of the camera the camera guy

00:45:50.640 immediately forgot what i looked like stopped on the man in front of me who was like a 55 year old

00:45:56.300 man with dark hair and yeah it said like matt belisai winner no one's correcting you and you see me in

00:46:04.880 the background like wait what is happening and the like model gave me the the award and

00:46:11.160 but you you yeah not the other you no okay she was like i'm sorry she's like they told me to give

00:46:17.940 it to you anyways yeah like she knew but the camera guy just thought i was a 55 year old man he's like

00:46:23.920 same thing a dark beard yeah and then i met that man the next day because he called me and apologized he

00:46:30.280 was the man who they stopped on whose name is eric vitro big fan he is a celebrity vocal coach he's

00:46:38.260 training ariana for wicked oh period and yeah we love him he has a podcast too um and yeah i was

00:46:45.740 like it's not your fault you just smiled and gave a thumbs up but yeah that was my most humiliated like

00:46:52.020 i even it to me is the perfect encapsulation of me of like i was literally winning a popularity

00:46:58.880 contest and it was still the most embarrassing moment of my life but not popular enough right 0.98

00:47:06.520 no my parents were texting me being like we're so sorry what the fuck is that did you do something 0.99

00:47:13.760 different to your hair yeah that's honestly so humbling oh fuck me but you know what that award 0.98

00:47:19.360 is on my shelf so i got to go home with it at the end yeah you win in the end i i had like didn't 0.96

00:47:25.360 win cameron dallas frankie grande and you can take that to the bank actually

00:47:33.700 they would have confused them maybe probably not but who knows if you gaslight yourself enough you

00:47:41.460 could convince yourself yeah sure sure that is true they did come up with like it's the same

00:47:47.240 accounting company like price water cooper whoever they do like the oscars yeah yeah yeah you know and

00:47:53.320 they'd fuck that up too a couple times but they came up to me later and they were like you really

00:47:57.740 like this is not rigged this is like real voting so they had to like assure me you're like well that

00:48:03.240 makes me feel worse right like no i'm glad i'm glad it's real but also yeah nobody saw it

00:48:10.080 like i also like that hurts my feelings a little bit more yeah um that it was real and you guys just

00:48:16.380 right didn't know who i was that's honestly worse that's worse that if they made a mistake

00:48:21.780 like i don't think i've ever had anything quite like that yet knock on wood but i have been

00:48:27.040 humiliated a few times yeah i think it's natural i think right at this point i just have to embrace

00:48:33.460 it i feel it it's like we're all just living humiliation to humiliation lucky us we get to do

00:48:39.780 it in front of yeah millions of people all the time i felt when i went to the barbie premiere i

00:48:46.500 actually fell for the first time i felt twice not just once but twice and just in case i wasn't

00:48:52.000 humbled enough they had to do it to me the second time and when i fell the first time i wasn't on the

00:48:56.500 carpet it was like right before i got up there but i was like it's full it's fine it's fine uh and i

00:49:01.400 had a wig on slid to the back of my neck when i felt not fun don't love that second time i fell uh

00:49:07.620 we after because you know they make internet dickheads walk at peak sun hour because they're 1.00

00:49:12.460 like literally fuck you but post when you're there thank you so much love you yeah margot robbie's 0.99

00:49:17.140 walking at twice or at sundown you're gonna walk when the sun's at its highest and so then they like 0.99

00:49:22.440 took us to this little party and then they were like you could wait for the shuttle or you could

00:49:25.660 just walk back and i was like okay i guess i'll walk so my sister and i were walking we're walking

00:49:30.900 with other other people like over there walking back to the theater it's like in a flat comfortable

00:49:36.480 shoe it's probably like a three minute walk right uh in like a six inch platform and i've already

00:49:41.820 fallen once might as well have been an hour right so we're walking and like i'm like all right like

00:49:47.020 trying to fix my state i'm like i feel better after the fall everything's cool uh there's a guy

00:49:52.620 on the street like i'm like i can see the finish line like we're almost there the paparazzi yeah

00:49:57.200 there's a paparazzi on the street i've never been papped because i'm not nearly important enough

00:50:00.600 but he's taking pictures of everybody like walking right and i'm like oh like okay and my wig had 0.68

00:50:05.940 been sliding all day because again sweaty bitch so that following all of that i'm like trying to 1.00

00:50:09.820 fix my state and as we're walking he's like about to take my picture when i tell you i ate 0.99

00:50:14.840 shit so fucking hard that he literally was like and like turning like this like never mind 0.98

00:50:21.000 fucking forget it like she could not possibly be famous not walking like that i stood up and my 1.00

00:50:27.540 whole wig was like right here on the back of my head and my sister was like dude fix your hair 1.00

00:50:31.900 fix your hair yeah and so i pull it for it i'm like okay um that's awful that's so awful i'm like

00:50:36.540 trying to fix myself i get in line my there's only one couple behind us love them they're very sweet

00:50:41.760 it's actually jasmine um i forget her last name robbins do you know jasmine robbins i think so yeah

00:50:47.740 she's uh love her to death but she she was walking behind me and her and her partner were they're the 0.98

00:50:54.160 only ones who saw me fall uh-huh and they were like it's totally fine you look great they're like

00:50:57.900 hyping me up i'm like thanks girl love you you need those people that they have at like the

00:51:02.040 olympics when someone like breaks a leg and they like come out with little screens and form a circle

00:51:07.200 and then i literally was like thanks and we get in line and i my uh friend was like your leg is

00:51:16.240 bleeding yeah you're gushing i looked literally all down it looked like someone like took a machete to

00:51:22.660 my kneecap it's all down my leg i didn't even realize i cut my toe too because it was like an

00:51:27.940 open toe shoe uh-huh so my pinky toe was like sliced to death and it's being squeezed by the

00:51:33.940 shoe so the whole front of my shoe is soaked in blood it looks like i literally got cut by a knife

00:51:39.480 and i'm like oh okay so then i go to the security lady i'm like do you guys have like a band-aid

00:51:45.640 and i'm just gonna go to the bathroom and clean it uh-huh she was like you got that here i was like

00:51:49.900 well it was like right outside she goes call the medic call him and she's like screaming i would

00:51:55.000 be on the ground being like yeah who's i'm like hey girl do me a favor lower your voice immediately 1.00

00:52:01.220 um you don't need to yell that's totally fine i don't need a medic i don't need a medic i just 0.99

00:52:05.540 need a band-aid like you know what fuck it i'll just go to the bathroom and clean myself she's like 1.00

00:52:08.940 no no no you have to stay right here if you got hurt on the park you gotta stay right here 1.00

00:52:12.020 she's screaming for the medic uh they make me stand to the side i'm standing there humiliated uh and

00:52:18.640 humbled beyond belief and then they medic comes brings a wheelchair tells me to sit in it yeah

00:52:25.520 no i would have been milking that are you kidding me at the barbie premiere we're getting mattel money

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00:53:33.780 actually why they were like they wanted a detailed account right when i fell and how i fell and why i fell

00:53:39.540 and everything and they made me sit in that chair so they could clean up my life and i was like you

00:53:43.840 know what this is my last straw what if what if this is actually gonna be 13th reason like this is

00:53:50.160 actually gonna be the last movie i ever see thanks thanks for your help love you yeah so i feel it but

00:53:56.000 what an endorsement of barbie i love the movie though great movie definitely make this the last

00:54:02.660 movie i was like this movie better be the best movie i've ever seen in my life i swear to god

00:54:06.300 i'm gonna i'm gonna kill myself in front of greta garwick yeah in front of her forever changing 0.88

00:54:11.340 the trajectory of her life okay

00:54:16.320 i know you talked touched on it earlier but you are a very successful and amazing stand-up comedian

00:54:28.800 so how long have you successful sure but you know amazing i'll take

00:54:33.660 how long have you been doing stand-up since 2016 so yeah i did those wine videos at buzzfeed and then

00:54:42.240 when i left i started doing stand-up and that has been yeah for the last seven years eight that's

00:54:49.100 like one of the things that i genuinely believe i'm like so scared to ever try something like that

00:54:54.620 because i i have so much respect for the art form it is so intimidating to me yeah um i yeah you just

00:55:02.120 drink a bottle of wine and then hope whatever you say is coherent right you don't accidentally get

00:55:09.060 canceled yeah no it yeah it is scary but it's it's fun it's fun when it goes well and then when it

00:55:15.840 doesn't yeah i question everything do you have any tips for any aspiring stand-up comedians

00:55:22.480 it's best practices it's literally like you have to be psychotic because like you are you could tell

00:55:30.260 the same exact jokes repeated like every day yeah multiple times a day and get wildly different

00:55:37.600 reactions and it's like really you just feel like you're going crazy because it's so dependent on like

00:55:42.540 the audience and like the vibe yeah so you really it's like don't take any one show to heart

00:55:49.540 yeah and like yeah you just have to do it a bunch just like kind of get your reps in yeah yeah that that is

00:55:56.420 very daunting to me because i've had obviously like i'm just a funny bitch on the internet but 0.99

00:56:00.780 like some people have asked me if i ever wanted to try stand-up which i love stand-up comedy so much

00:56:06.760 and i have friends who are famous like stand-up comedians too which i like kind of pick their

00:56:11.160 brains but i just i get so nervous about that because i i also am like i'm not a proud bitch in that sense 0.96

00:56:18.140 that like you can be funny that doesn't always mean you can be a stand-up comedian right by any stretch 0.97

00:56:24.040 like i've talked about that like terrible men on the internet like they they make one fat joke

00:56:28.740 about me and they're like should i quit my job um yeah call up the laugh factory i'm doing a type

00:56:35.620 vibe girl i'm getting started today you know what i mean that's the thing everybody thinks that they

00:56:40.260 can do it that's what i mean until there's a microphone in front of them i'm telling you yeah

00:56:44.520 and then they just get up there and talk about how much they hate their wife love that yeah there's

00:56:49.000 some famous comedians who will get up and talk about how much they hate their wives i'm like dude

00:56:53.880 yeah and i'm like do you only tour right bible bell or like what do you do how do you just tour

00:56:59.180 that in all the red states or how does that work i don't know sometimes yeah i don't want to name

00:57:03.900 names but yeah there has been some awkward moments where like someone will get up after i've been up

00:57:10.560 and yeah the audience is not wildly different reception to them i did do a college show yeah i don't know

00:57:18.400 who booked that show but it was me and chrystalia who could not be more different

00:57:23.580 polar fucking opposites yeah they're like just something for everyone

00:57:29.180 i mean it was it was just yeah nobody was there it was it was we do not have the same 0.95

00:57:37.100 demographic audiences like at all yeah i was also at like an aeronautical university

00:57:41.840 everyone was like the biggest nerd you've ever met literally the college like coordinator came up to me

00:57:49.400 beforehand and they were like these kids are like all virgins they were like they might not get 0.99

00:57:57.660 everything that you say like just and i was like okay it's like all these guys are fucking nerds but 0.93

00:58:02.640 they were literally it was like a school for rocket scientists like that was and then there was a 0.65

00:58:07.460 really big it was in florida and there was a really big bug on stage and that it was just yeah that

00:58:12.400 felt like a mad libs but the chat cleared so that's all that matters

00:58:16.200 really quickly i'm gonna read one of these because obviously we're talking to matt who's a successful

00:58:31.140 comedian i'm looking at the wrong camera at the status a successful comedian so we're gonna be

00:58:35.740 talking about like the rise of homophobic misogynistic comedians on tiktok like i just said

00:58:41.040 right we're like i they literally are like i'm gonna email lauren michaels tonight because i'm

00:58:46.720 so crazy to me because it's like i feel like all of these white male like straight cis comedians 0.67

00:58:53.320 we're getting away with saying some of this shit for the longest time like because there were not 0.97

00:58:57.720 cameras there exactly and now it's like social media at all right yeah now you're really just 0.97

00:59:02.480 posting this with your full chest and yeah and then they're like and i'm gonna be famous so right

00:59:07.800 they're not worried not even a little bit honestly at some point i'm like those two brain cells are

00:59:14.120 working for you right because they're like i'm so awesome like it's just the delusion is so so intense

00:59:21.140 that i'm like i can't even break you out of that there's not room for any other intelligence 0.90

00:59:24.980 no really just nope just fat jokes ego cells yeah it's like fat jokes misogynistic jokes homophobic 0.79

00:59:30.640 jokes you know what i mean like a real listen have we all told a homophobic joke or two yeah

00:59:39.080 depends on who it's coming from if i'm being honest like so okay this first video that we have uh in

00:59:47.420 this video a male and female comedian are having a roast battle the guy's roast is she has a manly face 0.99

00:59:54.580 and shitty tits but you can tell she's a woman because she sucks at comedy 1.00

00:59:59.280 roasted gotcha bitch you're ugly and not funny right and you have shitty tits i'm sure he also 1.00

01:00:09.920 has giant tits i don't even have a video of it but shitty tits and what does that constitute i guess 1.00

01:00:17.980 it depends huh yeah i like how men say that as if they're picky when it comes to tits you know i mean 1.00

01:00:22.660 right it's the same kind of thing when they're like oh i hate when women have fake tits and i'm 1.00

01:00:26.040 like you're telling me if you had a big fair big pair of fake tits in your face floppy fake tits 1.00

01:00:31.840 you're gonna be like hold on a second are those real yeah no wrap it up get out of here you disgust 1.00

01:00:36.980 me fucking liar okay so these comments this one says woke female comics less funny than 1.00

01:00:44.460 must female comics i'm assuming he meant most um clearly grammar is yeah no clearly he's jacking 0.99

01:00:51.640 off with one hand so you're not gonna spell it right can't do both i see her source material is 0.98

01:00:57.740 cnn i'm like uh good good good good ragging on cnn is the stupidest thing like they literally are 0.91

01:01:06.400 doing whatever they're like not on anybody's side they're like reporting the news like he's like 0.98

01:01:13.500 they're supposed to yeah okay uh this one says these comments are so liberal i'm surprised they

01:01:21.080 aren't asking for someone to pay their college debt well you don't need to worry about that because you

01:01:26.160 won't get into college so it's not a big deal i mean you don't need an application you know to work

01:01:30.380 at five guys so i think you're okay yeah i just shake shack requires so i'm always shocked when i read

01:01:36.540 comments like that that are like i cannot believe you're you're like saying this out loud for other

01:01:42.620 people to read this is not like this is not your group chat i know like i always think like objectively

01:01:50.880 speaking this is not funny like it's it's honestly violently unfunny i when when men try to make fun of

01:01:56.780 me it's just like nothing but fat and ugly right and i'm bored give me something else like some guy 0.59

01:02:03.500 told me he told me a very descriptive it was like a fat ugly girl like that's what he was you know 1.00

01:02:09.960 you look like and i was like well you look like your neck looks stretched out like one of those 0.94

01:02:15.240 rubber chickens so now what your turn you go first and then you go and then i go and then yeah we all

01:02:21.540 had fun at the end of the day right right i feel like to some extent like even with me i i like made

01:02:27.200 a video recently because men are like they always try to like make fun of me roast me whatever but i

01:02:32.160 always tell them i'm like if i'm being completely 100 honest like you guys can't keep up with me

01:02:37.260 like mentally um i lap you at least four times and it's boring yeah but all of that being said

01:02:43.240 i'm like i just feel like it's so surface level right right you know what i mean like i gotta tell

01:02:51.160 you you gotta tell me a joke that's really gonna stick with me right exactly like there is a 12 year 0.97

01:02:55.620 old girl on the internet who can cut me deeper than anything a man could say for sure oh shit i've 1.00

01:03:02.180 gotten like backhanded compliments that are the meanest things i've ever heard in my fucking life 0.99

01:03:09.180 like like in my entire like i will never ever forget that and she was being nice yeah so like 0.96

01:03:15.760 you intentionally trying to hurt my feelings like it just it doesn't i was a directioner and period me

01:03:22.200 yeah trust me you're a hairy girl of course obviously there is nothing that anybody could 0.98

01:03:28.100 say that like a one direction fan has not already cut me to the bone with girl they are mean as hell 1.00

01:03:34.660 casper the faggot ghost was my favorite i was like okay work actually you said damn bitch you kind 1.00

01:03:44.240 of got me a little bit i had a girl i got interviewed by people magazine on a carpet and i was wearing a 1.00

01:03:51.580 see-through dress and like my titties were out and up you know what i'm saying they looked great in

01:03:55.500 my opinion uh they interviewed me the clip was maybe 15 seconds uh there was a woman in the comments

01:04:02.380 there's only four she's one of them the other three are bots and she's at least 60 years old i could 0.98

01:04:09.200 that's not a joke like i saw her picture i looked at her content and she wrote are you serious look at 0.93

01:04:16.500 those flapjacks referring to my tits first of all right look at those flapjacks who dressed this girl 1.00

01:04:23.400 unbelievable and i said damn bitch like you kind of got me shit i wouldn't look at what she looked 1.00

01:04:30.840 like i said oh my god i said you kind of ate me up girl yeah you got me just a little bit sometimes 1.00

01:04:37.100 they're like damn girl i was like and the fact that she just did it and i'm like she doesn't follow 0.99

01:04:43.460 people like she doesn't give a fuck about like it's just drive by hate yeah that's worse yeah far 0.99

01:04:50.540 far and away i kind of love that for her though like she can kind of say whatever she wants that's 0.95

01:04:55.860 what i'm like you know what real recognize real you got me you literally got i saw this tweet once

01:05:01.120 where this girl she like wrote something very profound about um like the jonah hill situation with

01:05:07.160 his girlfriend whatever and she was like this is there's a larger conversation to be had about

01:05:11.440 misogyny and weaponizing therapizing language she wrote something very profound um and very smart 1.00

01:05:16.400 and very nuanced and that this guy was like you would say that you fucking fatherless bitch like 1.00

01:05:21.300 this troll dude and she responded to that tweet and i literally saved it to my phone because it made 1.00

01:05:27.220 me laugh so hard i started crying she wrote shut the fuck up before i fuck your dad and give him a son 1.00

01:05:31.560 he can actually be proud of and i was like the way i read that i was like i will kill myself if 0.99

01:05:37.980 someone wrote that to me yeah i was like honestly i'm pissed off i didn't think of it uh-huh i said 0.98

01:05:43.540 that shit stuck with me and she wasn't talking to me i'm my jaws on the ground yeah shout out to 1.00

01:05:50.760 you girl some people are some people are killing it and she was a woman yeah the meanest bitch is a 1.00

01:05:56.700 mean people gay people right and teenage girls there you go the meanest people no one can ever 1.00

01:06:02.580 that's why their feelings don't get hurt that's true it's a girl going through it already it's easy 0.92

01:06:07.860 to shake a man uh straight man someone called me a fruitcake recently and i was like okay we're going

01:06:13.200 vintage with our slurs old school tbc yeah you really pulled that one out of the vault that is

01:06:20.660 really old he's like it made me chuckle you know like sometimes you guys stick with old

01:06:24.360 reliables yeah like right steady consistent homophobic language there you go yeah a slur

01:06:31.780 is a slur at the end of the day yeah my mom did recently ask me if gay marriage was legal and i

01:06:38.760 so i was like some people are just really i was like you have you know you have a gay son right

01:06:43.980 a little bit behind right it's been legal for like a decade actually a little bit behind but other than

01:06:51.140 yeah okay just to round us out i guess what i will ask you is like when it comes to

01:06:58.240 creating like um you know an act like a like an hour or even like a five or ten um what would you

01:07:06.960 say you think is the most important thing when you're like trying to write a stand-up like bit

01:07:12.740 or set or whatever like what would you say is your best advice to like cultivate something that

01:07:17.980 is true to them could be successful um i feel like it's just like just start writing stuff like

01:07:30.560 write more than you think and then like cut back okay yeah that was always like when i worked at

01:07:37.620 buzzfeed even before i did video stuff with buzzfeed i was just writing like listicles you know the cat

01:07:43.140 cat videos and stuff like that and it was always like yeah write 30 things and then then you compare

01:07:51.360 it down to like the best five or ten yeah so it's always like do way more than you think and then cut

01:07:57.340 it down to get to the good stuff yeah because that's always like especially when you're thinking of like

01:08:03.200 really specific like i don't know the worst things about being a new yorker or something yeah like

01:08:11.640 if you're gonna write a list of 40 things you know that the last like five things that you write

01:08:16.520 are gonna be the most specific yeah you're like digging down deep oh yeah yeah okay because yeah

01:08:22.520 it's so it's like get all the general stuff out of the way first and then get to the real specific

01:08:26.980 stuff period i don't know that was that was a very selfish question of mine because i want to know

01:08:32.500 so i can start practicing i like make lists yeah and like yeah make a long one and cut out the general

01:08:40.060 stuff and get to the real specific stuff yeah because i i feel like even too with some of my

01:08:44.520 comedian friends like we've talked about how like a lot of comedy is derivative especially online

01:08:50.700 so it's hard to find like original sources right or original source material so like you know

01:08:56.820 sometimes things stick in your brain and you're like have i did i hear that joke from somebody else

01:09:00.860 or did i make that joke up yeah so like that's why i asked like to get started right but that makes

01:09:07.120 sense to like pick a topic and kind of like make a really really long list of things that are fun

01:09:11.680 yeah about it and i mean obviously like stuff from your own life yeah yeah because nobody can copy that

01:09:18.380 period if so if there was another version of me like a clone of me i hope that's the person who

01:09:27.280 fell at the barbie premiere not me right i don't know exactly i don't know her at all you're the one

01:09:31.760 who pushed her down exactly exactly that was me i hope you got that on camera honestly not me falling

01:09:37.860 okay so that's gonna do it for our episode today uh mr matt bellasai yeah everybody find you i also

01:09:49.200 have a podcast period it's called dis and tell it's about celebrity feuds so we talk about like we dive

01:09:57.120 deep and do a bunch of big celebrity rivalries so we've done like black china and the kardashians

01:10:04.240 and naomi campbell and tyra banks that's a good one will smith and chris rock so that's on wherever

01:10:11.000 you get your podcasts and wondering plus love amazing and then i'm on the internet yeah just

01:10:17.160 at matt bellasai period i make tiktoks sometimes but they're they're nothing compared to yours

01:10:22.500 i'm sure they're everything to be honest they're everything to me because i love you thank you and

01:10:28.160 i adore you thank you so much for coming on the episode today and thank you all for watching us

01:10:32.720 for those of you that remember or maybe don't new episodes of the comment section drop every wednesday

01:10:38.300 and you can watch the video for free on spotify where you can stream the audio anywhere you get

01:10:43.040 your podcast thank you so much for joining us on this episode thank you to my amazing guest matt

01:10:47.620 bellasai make sure y'all follow him and go see him and stand up do stand up make sure you listen to

01:10:53.460 his podcast all those things you guys know it's too and thank you so much for joining us and i'll see

01:10:57.360 you next week bye

01:11:13.040 you

The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - November 15, 2023

NOBODY SWEATS IN THIS INDUSTRY Ft. Matt Bellassai

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