The Joe Rogan Experience - October 11, 2017


Joe Rogan Experience #1023 - Christina P

Topics
bow hunting shows heirloom wheat chickens Brussels Griffon dogs promotion in comedy Ian Edwards headshots in comedy industry prostitution jerk off first and hang out sexual assault in military tribe existence war camaraderie depression gray life neck cracking astrologers gambling reward system rats in New Yorks city Terry Fater puppet act mommy brain
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Christina P
Mentioned
Bill Cosby Howard Stern Harvey Weinstein Tommy Jesus Christ Christina Pazitsky Jamie Melissa Villasenor Dave Attell Matt Kunitz Dave Foley Dude Renee Zellweger Instagram Kate Phil Hartman Simon Cowell James Randi Royce White Joey Diaz Bert and 126 more
Joe Rogan Experience #1022 - Eric Weinstein Joe Rogan Experience #1024 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 47 minutes

Words per minute

197.85

Word count

33,153

Sentence count

4,498

Harmful content

Misogyny

172

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,417

sentences flagged

Hate speech

98

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, the brother and sister duo of the sit down with their good friend and former co-host Christina P. and talk about all kinds of things. They talk about how they met, how they got started with Fat Shaming, and what it s like to be a mom in the workplace. They also talk about some of their favorite moments from the past and some of the things that have come to define them over the years. We hope you enjoy, sit down, and have a nice rest of your day! XOXO, Bert and Tom - The Bert and Ollie Show is a weekly podcast hosted by Tom and Bert. They are two best friends who have been through hell and high water and are here to help you get through your day to day life. If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE on Apple Podcasts and leave us a rating and review on iTunes. We really appreciate it! - Bert & Tom - The Bert & Ollies Show - Please rate, review, and tell us what you thought of this episode and what you think about it in the comments section below! Thank you so much for all the love and support we really appreciate all the support we've gotten so far! Xoxo, Bert, Ari and Tom. Cheers, Cheers! Love ya! -Bert and Tom and Olli. - Cheers. Mike & Olli xoxo Thanks for listening! -Mike & Oli and Mike and Oli! - Mike and Mike & Ari Love, Mike & Mike . Thankyou, Mike and Ari - Mike & Matt & Matt <3 Music by: Please rate and review this episode of the Fat Loss Challenge? & the Fat Shame Challenge by: Mike and the FatShaming Challenge by: Johnny Appleseed And the Fatshaming Challenge by Mr. & The Fat Loss Project to help us raise money for the Fat shaming Challenge by Fat Loss challenge by Fat shaming and the Weight Loss Challenge by Meghan and The Fat Shoe Challenge by The Fat Shame Project by the Fat Shamed and the Great Stoop Challenge by @ at is a little bit more! & thanks to: , Ari and Ari at the outside!

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 What is he, 50 now?
00:00:02.000 55. No, no.
00:00:03.000 Dog! 0.71
00:00:06.000 Mommies, put your jeans up high and tight. 1.00
00:00:10.000 Christina P is here.
00:00:12.000 Oh my, I'm so honored that you did that.
00:00:14.000 Oh, I even put it in the Instagram post.
00:00:16.000 OMG! I can't believe it.
00:00:18.000 I don't even know what it means.
00:00:20.000 You don't.
00:00:21.000 I still don't.
00:00:22.000 I remember being on your show and I was like, what does mommies mean?
00:00:25.000 Why does everybody call you guys jeans? 0.95
00:00:27.000 It's silly. 1.00
00:00:27.000 It's just stupid. 1.00
00:00:28.000 It really started with, like, what's the dumbest thing we could call a show? 1.00
00:00:32.000 Your mom's house. 0.99
00:00:33.000 And then...
00:00:33.000 Let's talk about jeans and mommies.
00:00:36.000 It's dumb. 0.99
00:00:37.000 It's all about farts. 0.99
00:00:38.000 But it's hilarious.
00:00:39.000 I know. 0.98
00:00:39.000 Your show's a very fun, silly show. 0.98
00:00:42.000 You guys obviously have a good time. 0.96
00:00:44.000 We have the best time.
00:00:45.000 It is like, it's how Tom and I normally are, and then we just put microphones, which is good. 1.00
00:00:50.000 It's just stupid. 1.00
00:00:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:00:52.000 Farts, and I don't know.
00:00:53.000 I love it.
00:00:54.000 I feel like, too, I feel like we serve a demographic.
00:00:58.000 Like, okay, for instance, I was at the Rite Aid.
00:00:59.000 I was going to go use the toilet, and this guy stalking the shelves goes, Christina P. And I was like, yeah, how do you know?
00:01:06.000 And he's like, I'm a mommy.
00:01:07.000 And I was like... 0.99
00:01:07.000 This is fucking awesome! 0.99
00:01:09.000 These are the people that are stalking shit and driving the trucks and sitting in cubicles. 1.00
00:01:16.000 These are the podcasting world of humans. 0.99
00:01:19.000 Yeah, people that are doing other stuff.
00:01:21.000 Yeah.
00:01:22.000 They're not watching a show.
00:01:24.000 If you're watching a show for the most part, you're sitting down and watching it.
00:01:27.000 But if you're listening to a podcast, you're doing other stuff.
00:01:30.000 Yeah, you're kind of cleaning the house, doing whatever, and laughing and...
00:01:34.000 But you guys put up videos as well.
00:01:36.000 Like, how much of your show is video?
00:01:38.000 Like, what percentage of your audience?
00:01:41.000 Oh, oh, that's funny.
00:01:42.000 Video stuff?
00:01:43.000 What do you mean?
00:01:43.000 Who watches the YouTube stuff?
00:01:45.000 Yeah, like YouTube.
00:01:45.000 Like, what's the difference between, like, the YouTube audience versus the audio?
00:01:48.000 It's smaller.
00:01:49.000 Yeah.
00:01:49.000 Yeah, the audio is the hardcores, and then...
00:01:51.000 Isn't that interesting, though?
00:01:52.000 The video is secondary, yeah.
00:01:53.000 Like, a lot of people would have thought, no way.
00:01:55.000 Like, video is always going to be...
00:01:57.000 Seeing it is better, because it's an added element.
00:01:59.000 Yeah, but I have a theory.
00:02:00.000 It's because our show, we play, like, porno clips and fart sounds and stuff that's not appropriate for the workplace.
00:02:07.000 Oh, right.
00:02:07.000 So if you've got YouTube on your...
00:02:09.000 Earplugs.
00:02:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:02:10.000 On your speakers or whatever, and then it's, oh, fuck me, huh, and then you get fired from your job, dude. 1.00
00:02:17.000 Throatzilla. 1.00
00:02:17.000 It's better. 1.00
00:02:18.000 It's, yeah.
00:02:19.000 Oh, remember her?
00:02:20.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:02:21.000 Goddamn. 1.00
00:02:22.000 I can't believe Tommy met her. 0.99
00:02:23.000 I know, and I was like, texting him like, don't forget your family.
00:02:29.000 You have a child with me, don't forget.
00:02:31.000 Like he would ever, you know.
00:02:33.000 Yeah, I know.
00:02:33.000 Can you imagine?
00:02:34.000 No, I can't.
00:02:36.000 That's the craziest part.
00:02:38.000 But yeah, it's been a great show and it's, you know, we have you to thank because you were the one that told us to start it.
00:02:44.000 I tell everybody to start, though.
00:02:45.000 Back in the day, but you got us.
00:02:47.000 I'm Johnny Appleseed.
00:02:49.000 I'm just, you should do a podcast.
00:02:50.000 I've sent it to 100 people, but luckily 50 of them listened.
00:02:53.000 Yeah.
00:02:54.000 You know?
00:02:54.000 Well, thank God.
00:02:55.000 Maybe 30, probably.
00:02:56.000 But some of them are really good. 0.99
00:02:58.000 There's some really good podcasts that have come out of my stupid stone suggestions. 0.99
00:03:02.000 Are you kidding me? 0.98
00:03:03.000 You're the great motivator, the great challenger, the great beginner of fat shaming campaigns and sobriety.
00:03:08.000 That was not me!
00:03:09.000 I can't take credit for that. 1.00
00:03:11.000 That fat shaming was all Bert and Tom talking shit to each other. 0.96
00:03:14.000 But then you came up with the idea to have the challenge. 0.99
00:03:17.000 Yes, the weight loss contest.
00:03:19.000 Well, we sat down and we tried to figure out what to do.
00:03:21.000 We should have something fun.
00:03:23.000 Some sort of...
00:03:25.000 There's also an issue that's going on.
00:03:26.000 Like, it's going on right now with Ari, and it was going on with them, where people on the outside think it's serious.
00:03:32.000 And this is probably a good time to address this.
00:03:34.000 Like, people on the outside that think that we're actually mad at Ari, or that Ari is actually, like, not good for his word.
00:03:41.000 That's...
00:03:42.000 These are jokes, folks. 0.99
00:03:43.000 We're fucking around. 0.99
00:03:45.000 You know? 0.99
00:03:45.000 I mean, this is all just... 0.99
00:03:46.000 And so, all you people that take it seriously...
00:03:50.000 Don't take anything serious.
00:03:51.000 Unless we say, this is serious.
00:03:53.000 Don't take it seriously.
00:03:54.000 Like, all that Bird is Fat, Thomas Fat stuff, we were having a great time with it.
00:03:58.000 They were having fun with it. 0.99
00:03:59.000 And the Ari's and Welcher stuff, that stuff is bullshit, alright? 0.95
00:04:02.000 Ari is, like, for real, one of the most honest guys I've ever met in my life. 0.99
00:04:07.000 And for sure, he wasn't excited about paying for those guys to go to fucking Europe for a soccer game. 0.97
00:04:12.000 Right. 0.98
00:04:13.000 That doesn't mean he wouldn't have honored his bet.
00:04:15.000 But then it got complicated because I paid for the bet and I sent those guys to a basketball game.
00:04:20.000 What was the game again?
00:04:22.000 Cavs Warriors.
00:04:23.000 Is that a big game?
00:04:23.000 It was, yeah.
00:04:24.000 For sure at the time.
00:04:25.000 I don't understand.
00:04:26.000 Do you get it?
00:04:27.000 No.
00:04:28.000 Do I get it?
00:04:29.000 Go to a basketball game?
00:04:30.000 Oh, it's the most boring thing in the world for me.
00:04:32.000 Watch some guys throw a ball around?
00:04:33.000 Best players in the world are on those two teams.
00:04:35.000 Oh my goodness.
00:04:35.000 I'm sure.
00:04:36.000 Do they do really good at throwing the ball in the hole?
00:04:39.000 Really, really good at it.
00:04:41.000 Do you like sports at all, though?
00:04:42.000 No.
00:04:43.000 Really?
00:04:44.000 I thought for sure.
00:04:45.000 No.
00:04:46.000 Not football?
00:04:46.000 No, I get so bored.
00:04:48.000 Oh, it bores the shit out of me, too. 0.99
00:04:50.000 And Tom's been trying to explain this shit to me for years, and I'm like, I don't... 0.99
00:04:54.000 Okay, they run five seconds, and then comes the show after the show, where the four white guys talk about the fucking game they just watched for two more hours. 0.99
00:05:03.000 Yeah, what? 1.00
00:05:04.000 And making the stupid jokes. 1.00
00:05:06.000 Those fucking white guys that do the fucking commentary, they're the worst. 1.00
00:05:10.000 You can't find funnier people? 1.00
00:05:12.000 That Skip Bayless, because that's his name?
00:05:14.000 That guy?
00:05:16.000 Could you imagine being stuck on a plane with that guy right now? 1.00
00:05:18.000 He just keeps talking to you with shit breath. 1.00
00:05:21.000 Oh, God. 1.00
00:05:22.000 Yeah, all the bad...
00:05:23.000 Probably a nice guy. 1.00
00:05:24.000 I shouldn't talk shit. 0.99
00:05:25.000 I'm sure. 1.00
00:05:26.000 Terrible person.
00:05:26.000 I'm sure.
00:05:27.000 And they're all, you know, dogs. 0.63
00:05:29.000 They're all bad-looking dudes. 0.94
00:05:30.000 Yeah, well, you know what?
00:05:31.000 I like terrible, boring things, though.
00:05:33.000 I watch professional pool.
00:05:37.000 I watch hunting shows.
00:05:38.000 Like, my wife comes home and she looks at our DVR. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00
00:05:43.000 This is the DVR. Kickboxing, MMA, bow hunting, bow hunting, bow hunting, bow hunting, real crime stories. 0.99
00:05:54.000 That's Tommy, yeah. 0.99
00:05:54.000 It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99
00:05:55.000 It's murder, killing, killing, punching, murder. 1.00
00:05:59.000 Most of it, though, is hunting.
00:06:02.000 I'm so obsessed with hunting.
00:06:04.000 Most of my DVR is these bow hunting shows.
00:06:07.000 But that's your jam, so that's your hobby, and are you watching it for tips and Yes. 0.63
00:06:12.000 Well, you watch them to figure out what to do in certain situations, which seems ridiculous. 0.99
00:06:16.000 Like, just shoot the animal. 1.00
00:06:17.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:06:17.000 Get near it, shoot it. 1.00
00:06:19.000 It's one of those things on the outside, it looks very simple, but on the inside, it's very complex. 0.99
00:06:24.000 That's how everything...
00:06:25.000 Okay, like surfing.
00:06:26.000 Oh, yeah.
00:06:27.000 Oh, that's super easy.
00:06:28.000 No, it ain't. 0.98
00:06:29.000 That's like the hardest fucking thing in the world to learn to do. 0.97
00:06:31.000 Have you ever seen an indoor one? 0.99
00:06:33.000 No.
00:06:34.000 Dude, they have these indoor ones.
00:06:35.000 They have a woman, Austin, bro.
00:06:37.000 You get on a surfboard and you can go on it for like 10 minutes.
00:06:40.000 Get out.
00:06:41.000 They say it's an amazing way to get good because you don't have to wait for waves.
00:06:46.000 It's a machine.
00:06:47.000 So there's this huge pool. 0.95
00:06:49.000 You get in there with a surfboard and you surf like fucking crazy and you just keep doing it. 0.99
00:06:53.000 And you don't have to paddle, paddle, paddle out, turn the fucking board around. 0.99
00:06:57.000 Right. 1.00
00:06:59.000 It's horrible.
00:06:59.000 I would imagine you're developing those stabilizer muscles, right?
00:07:03.000 Like I was talking to guys that have...
00:07:07.000 Look at that.
00:07:07.000 Oh, I love it.
00:07:08.000 I love this stuff.
00:07:09.000 Isn't that insane?
00:07:09.000 Like look, you just surf around and you get used to like balancing.
00:07:14.000 So this would be a good way...
00:07:16.000 I don't like that guy.
00:07:17.000 Just kidding.
00:07:18.000 Just kidding, buddy. 1.00
00:07:20.000 Fuck that guy. 1.00
00:07:21.000 I don't like his face. 1.00
00:07:22.000 Is it going to be a good way to develop all those weird muscles?
00:07:25.000 That's one of the things that you realize when you start doing yoga, is that there's all these weird muscles that you didn't know that were weak.
00:07:31.000 These weird stabilizer muscles in your feet.
00:07:34.000 The number one thing that bothered me when I first started doing yoga is my feet.
00:07:37.000 My feet would give out before anything.
00:07:39.000 I was like, this is so weird.
00:07:40.000 They would just give out.
00:07:41.000 Your ankles, you mean?
00:07:42.000 No, my feet.
00:07:44.000 Because you're standing on one foot and you're balancing, so your foot has to do all this adjusting.
00:07:51.000 And while that's happening, my foot's getting fatigued.
00:07:54.000 The arch of my foot starts hurting and I have to put it down. 0.99
00:07:57.000 Damn. 0.99
00:07:57.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:07:58.000 It took me a long time to get past that.
00:08:00.000 So now, were you a huge fan of hot yoga before you came up with this challenge?
00:08:06.000 Yes.
00:08:06.000 Yeah, I've been doing it for a few years now.
00:08:08.000 I've been doing it pretty seriously for two years.
00:08:11.000 I did it on and off for a couple years before that, but I got real serious about two years and two months ago.
00:08:18.000 I just started doing it every week.
00:08:20.000 Now, what's the benefit of the heat?
00:08:23.000 Heat shock proteins.
00:08:25.000 And this hasn't been proven, but there's a study they're doing right now, I think at Harvard, about this.
00:08:30.000 Because it's been proven that sauna...
00:08:33.000 There's a woman that I have on the podcast all the time. 1.00
00:08:35.000 She's brilliant.
00:08:36.000 Her name is Dr. Rhonda Patrick.
00:08:38.000 And she's like one of my favorite people.
00:08:39.000 And her... 1.00
00:08:41.000 She's done a bunch of work on saunas. 0.54
00:08:43.000 She's kind of obsessed with cryotherapy, cold shock proteins, and heat shock proteins.
00:08:47.000 And your body has a response to extreme heat and extreme cold by producing these anti-inflammatory cytokines.
00:08:55.000 And when you go into a hot sauna, I think it's four times a week, if you could do it four times a week, it reduces mortality amongst all causes by 40%. 0.99
00:09:06.000 No shit. 0.99
00:09:07.000 Stroke, heart attack, cancer, everything. 0.99
00:09:09.000 And it's because most of the issues that people have, health-wise, stem from inflammation.
00:09:14.000 And it's inflammation from sugar, poor diet, but you can mitigate a lot of that inflammation with sauna.
00:09:21.000 And I think yoga mimics the sauna. 0.87
00:09:25.000 Because it is so fucking hot in the room, right? 0.90
00:09:28.000 The room is 105 degrees. 0.85
00:09:30.000 And then once you start exercising, your body's through the roof.
00:09:33.000 I mean, a lot of times I'm doing poses and I have my arms straight out and I'm watching water just pour out of my body under the ground.
00:09:40.000 I don't have a shirt on, right?
00:09:42.000 So it's not like it's coming out of a wet shirt.
00:09:44.000 It's just pouring off my body, drip, drip, drip, drip, just squeezing all the water out of my body.
00:09:50.000 And I drink a large 64-ounce bottle of water filled with ice during the entire class.
00:09:55.000 So in that 90-minute class, I'm drinking 64 ounces of water.
00:09:59.000 Yeah.
00:10:00.000 So there's a tremendous amount of stress on your body from that heat and from the poses themselves.
00:10:07.000 And so I would like to see what happens when the results of this study come back, because I think they're going to show probably a similar effect to the anti-inflammatory markers in the blood that you see from sauna.
00:10:19.000 I did not know that.
00:10:20.000 Yeah, a sauna's amazing.
00:10:21.000 If you can get a sauna near your house.
00:10:23.000 I want one.
00:10:24.000 We were just talking about that this morning, man.
00:10:26.000 They sell them that you can install a small one.
00:10:28.000 The new studio has a sauna.
00:10:30.000 Okay.
00:10:30.000 Dude, you can come on over anytime.
00:10:32.000 Okay, I'll do your sauna.
00:10:33.000 That's so crazy.
00:10:34.000 Yeah, I'm on that primal diet.
00:10:37.000 I've been doing it since I... Oh, Mark Sisson's diet?
00:10:39.000 Yeah.
00:10:39.000 For like, I don't know, almost a year now.
00:10:41.000 Amazing.
00:10:42.000 That's the big thing.
00:10:43.000 She says, my trainer, I take Pilates.
00:10:44.000 She says, it's the inflammation.
00:10:46.000 It's the inflammation.
00:10:46.000 You don't want to be inflamed.
00:10:48.000 I'm like, oh.
00:10:50.000 Now I see.
00:10:51.000 I got it from a woman once.
00:10:53.000 She told me, she's a trainer, and she said, and she was talking to me about back issues, issues that people have.
00:11:00.000 Mm-hmm.
00:11:00.000 And she goes, one of the, this is going to sound really weird, but one of the best ways that we figured out how to help people with back issues is get them to go on a gluten-free diet.
00:11:10.000 And I was like, what?
00:11:11.000 This was like a few years back.
00:11:13.000 I was having like some neck problems.
00:11:15.000 And I was like, a gluten-free diet?
00:11:17.000 Why?
00:11:18.000 And she's like, well, gluten causes inflammation in a lot of people. 0.99
00:11:21.000 I was like, oh, that sounds like some New Age hippie bullshit, right? 0.95
00:11:23.000 So then I started looking into it, and then I realized, oh, there's something to this. 0.99
00:11:27.000 And then I'm like, oh, it's not just gluten.
00:11:29.000 It's actually refined carbohydrates and refined sugars and all that stuff.
00:11:34.000 But gluten, too.
00:11:35.000 You know, Maynard from Tool.
00:11:37.000 Do you know that dude?
00:11:38.000 Maynard Keenan?
00:11:39.000 I know, but I know who Tool is.
00:11:41.000 He's awesome.
00:11:41.000 He's a really good dude.
00:11:42.000 But he also has his own vineyard and a restaurant in Osteria.
00:11:46.000 You ever knew what an Osteria is?
00:11:47.000 I didn't know until he told me.
00:11:49.000 It's a small restaurant that serves like small plates.
00:11:53.000 It's like sort of like tapas.
00:11:55.000 That's like a similar type thing.
00:11:56.000 Like Italian tapas.
00:11:57.000 I don't know.
00:11:57.000 But anyway, he has, they serve pasta that is heirloom pasta.
00:12:03.000 And I'm like, well, what do you mean?
00:12:04.000 He's like, we use heirloom wheat.
00:12:06.000 Because the wheat that they used to sell, like wheat that people used to grow, like way back in the early days, was much more low yield.
00:12:14.000 So the same thing that people have done to tomatoes and a lot of things by making them more robust.
00:12:19.000 When they did this to wheat, they made a much higher yield wheat.
00:12:24.000 So if you have an acre of wheat, you get much more wheat out of it, but it has much more complex glutens in it and it's more difficult for your body to process.
00:12:32.000 So one of the things that I noticed when we went to Italy is I was eating pasta over there and it didn't give me this horrible brick in my stomach feeling.
00:12:41.000 Right.
00:12:41.000 I feel like you want to die afterwards.
00:12:43.000 Why is it different?
00:12:44.000 He was explaining.
00:12:45.000 He's like, your body is struggling to process this modern gluten, this modern wheat.
00:12:51.000 But he sells this stuff that's heirloom.
00:12:54.000 Sort of like those ugly tomatoes, those delicious heirloom tomatoes.
00:12:57.000 I love those.
00:12:58.000 Same thing.
00:12:58.000 That's what a tomato used to be like.
00:13:00.000 They used to be this...
00:13:02.000 Like, weird, funky looking, but super delicious.
00:13:05.000 Almost like a fruit.
00:13:06.000 Oh, yeah.
00:13:07.000 You know, I don't even eat pasta.
00:13:08.000 I haven't had it in like a year.
00:13:09.000 Like, you know, every now and then I have a nibble.
00:13:11.000 But the thought of eating a bowl of it now, it's repulsive.
00:13:15.000 Like, just that empty...
00:13:17.000 There's no nutrition.
00:13:18.000 I know.
00:13:18.000 Right?
00:13:19.000 There's nothing in it. 1.00
00:13:20.000 It's just dog shit. 1.00
00:13:21.000 And it's going to turn to slop on your body, you know? 1.00
00:13:23.000 Yeah.
00:13:23.000 And I don't like it.
00:13:24.000 Yeah.
00:13:25.000 I used to love it.
00:13:26.000 It's gross.
00:13:27.000 I eat it every now and then.
00:13:28.000 I still eat it.
00:13:28.000 I ate it the other day.
00:13:29.000 I made sausage and I bought some of that Italian pasta.
00:13:35.000 Yeah, the real deal.
00:13:36.000 Yeah, the real deal.
00:13:36.000 You get it.
00:13:37.000 I think it's called Double Zero Wheat.
00:13:40.000 Is it the type that they have?
00:13:41.000 Yeah, that's what it is.
00:13:42.000 And you can get it from Italy.
00:13:44.000 Get it on Amazon.com.
00:13:46.000 Nice.
00:13:48.000 Yeah, because I order eggs that are, like, super organic, fancy ones, too.
00:13:52.000 Dude, I gotta give you eggs.
00:13:52.000 Oh, do you have chickens?
00:13:54.000 Yeah, yeah, I gotta give you eggs.
00:13:55.000 Oh, man, I want chickens. 0.97
00:13:56.000 Yeah, I'll give you some fresh eggs.
00:13:57.000 Yeah, I love that.
00:13:58.000 You guys have a nice yard.
00:13:58.000 You should get a little chicken coop.
00:14:00.000 That's the next...
00:14:01.000 I thought it was Jamie.
00:14:03.000 That was good.
00:14:04.000 No.
00:14:05.000 But yeah, I want to get chickens.
00:14:07.000 Yeah.
00:14:08.000 Because I like, you know, in Europe, the yolks are nice and bright orange.
00:14:12.000 Dark, yeah.
00:14:12.000 They shouldn't be yellow.
00:14:13.000 No.
00:14:13.000 It's really nasty, dude.
00:14:15.000 No.
00:14:15.000 That's why you see vegetarian-fed chickens.
00:14:18.000 Like, they don't want that.
00:14:20.000 Chickens want bugs and worms and beetles and mice. 0.99
00:14:23.000 They're little monsters.
00:14:24.000 They nasty. 1.00
00:14:25.000 Yeah, they're nasty little frickers. 1.00
00:14:27.000 They're nasty shit. 1.00
00:14:27.000 But it's such a good deal. 1.00
00:14:29.000 You give them food, you let them roam around your yard, they pluck at the grass, and they eat bugs, and they give you eggs.
00:14:35.000 It's like a super sweet deal. 1.00
00:14:36.000 Now, do they shit everywhere? 1.00
00:14:38.000 Everywhere! 1.00
00:14:39.000 You have a dog?
00:14:40.000 You have a dog, right?
00:14:41.000 You've got two dogs. 1.00
00:14:42.000 Okay, your dog's going to eat all the chicken shit. 1.00
00:14:43.000 It's fucking gross. 1.00
00:14:44.000 Marshall goes in the yard and just goes on a chicken shit Easter egg hunt. 1.00
00:14:49.000 So gross. 0.99
00:14:49.000 It's the circle of life, right? 0.99
00:14:50.000 You see him, just...
00:14:52.000 Gobbling up chicken turds. 0.99
00:14:54.000 You're like, dude, you're so nasty. 1.00
00:14:55.000 This is a nasty dog. 1.00
00:14:57.000 And then he wants to run over and kiss you. 1.00
00:14:58.000 Yeah, of course.
00:14:59.000 And then does he sleep in your bed, too? 0.99
00:15:01.000 No fucking way. 0.99
00:15:02.000 No, no, no. 1.00
00:15:04.000 Where does the doggy sleep?
00:15:05.000 He sleeps in his dog bed.
00:15:06.000 Oh, in your room, though?
00:15:08.000 No.
00:15:08.000 No.
00:15:09.000 Somewhere else in the house.
00:15:10.000 No, he sleeps in my office.
00:15:11.000 Oh, okay.
00:15:12.000 He's got a little dog bed.
00:15:13.000 He's got a sweet little setup.
00:15:15.000 This is the puppy you just got.
00:15:16.000 Yeah, he's 11 months now.
00:15:18.000 He's a big boy now.
00:15:20.000 He's full grown.
00:15:21.000 Golden Retrievers, they get to be full grown pretty quick. 0.99
00:15:23.000 He's the sweetest dog.
00:15:25.000 They're awesome.
00:15:25.000 They're such great dogs.
00:15:26.000 They're so loving and they're such good family dogs.
00:15:29.000 Yeah.
00:15:30.000 And he's really smart.
00:15:32.000 He gets it.
00:15:34.000 You can talk to him.
00:15:35.000 Come here, buddy.
00:15:35.000 He just comes.
00:15:36.000 He gets it.
00:15:37.000 The communication with him is very simple.
00:15:40.000 And he's just always happy.
00:15:42.000 He's just a big sweetie.
00:15:44.000 Yeah, they have a good demeanor, those dogs.
00:15:46.000 Yeah, really peaceful.
00:15:48.000 Can he chill alone or does he need to be with a person?
00:15:50.000 No, he chills alone.
00:15:51.000 You know, I can just go, hey bro, why don't you just go chill out in the backyard?
00:15:54.000 And he goes out in the yard.
00:15:56.000 He goes swimming by himself, which is kind of hilarious.
00:15:59.000 Like the pool's there and he just flies through the air and dives in the water by himself.
00:16:03.000 And then as he's, what's really silly is as he's swimming, he's paddling and he creates these splashes and he tries to bite him.
00:16:11.000 So it's splash. 0.80
00:16:14.000 It's like, it's so silly. 0.98
00:16:16.000 So silly. 0.90
00:16:17.000 I love doggies. 0.96
00:16:19.000 Yeah, they're great.
00:16:19.000 I want a whole, I want like ten of them.
00:16:21.000 I have these little shit dogs. 1.00
00:16:22.000 They're called Brussels Griffon. 1.00
00:16:23.000 That's my breed.
00:16:24.000 They look like pugs, but with more fur. 1.00
00:16:26.000 And they're just so stupid, and I love them. 1.00
00:16:28.000 But they always want to be next to you. 1.00
00:16:29.000 They always want to snuggle.
00:16:31.000 Of course.
00:16:31.000 You're nice.
00:16:31.000 I don't like that.
00:16:32.000 I am, yeah.
00:16:33.000 Yeah, they want to be near nice.
00:16:34.000 You're nice.
00:16:35.000 Why wouldn't they be?
00:16:36.000 I'm very snuggly. 1.00
00:16:37.000 I know, I like that shit. 1.00
00:16:38.000 Why wouldn't you be? 1.00
00:16:39.000 I know.
00:16:40.000 People that don't like dogs, like, what don't you like about them?
00:16:43.000 That they're sweet, that they're loving.
00:16:45.000 And they're stoked to see you all the time?
00:16:47.000 There's a weird thing, though, with people that only like dogs and don't like people.
00:16:51.000 Oh, that's too much. 1.00
00:16:52.000 Yeah, it's like, your personality probably sucks, man. 1.00
00:16:56.000 The person that's strictly dog? 1.00
00:16:59.000 Is that what you mean?
00:17:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:17:01.000 I'd rather be around dogs than people. 1.00
00:17:02.000 No, that's fucked up. 1.00
00:17:03.000 That's a therapy problem. 0.99
00:17:04.000 You know what the next step is?
00:17:05.000 Horse people. 1.00
00:17:08.000 Fuck a horse. 1.00
00:17:09.000 I judge horse people. 1.00
00:17:09.000 There's horse people in my neighborhood. 1.00
00:17:11.000 I judge them.
00:17:13.000 I don't like horses. 1.00
00:17:15.000 Fuck them. 1.00
00:17:16.000 I don't want to ride them. 1.00
00:17:16.000 I don't like them. 1.00
00:17:17.000 They smell bad.
00:17:18.000 I mean, they're pretty from the distance.
00:17:20.000 Don't tell that to Whitney.
00:17:20.000 No, I know.
00:17:21.000 I see her on Instagram. 1.00
00:17:22.000 She loves those fucking horses. 1.00
00:17:23.000 She loves her horse. 1.00
00:17:24.000 What do they love so much about these horses?
00:17:26.000 Whitney's crazy.
00:17:27.000 Yeah. 0.97
00:17:27.000 Yeah. 0.97
00:17:28.000 She's very smart.
00:17:29.000 Like, one of the smartest people I've ever met. 1.00
00:17:31.000 But she's fucking insane. 1.00
00:17:32.000 In a good way. 1.00
00:17:33.000 But, like, she has so much information.
00:17:35.000 Every time I talk to her, I have to Google something.
00:17:37.000 I'm like, what?
00:17:38.000 What does she know about?
00:17:39.000 Tell me.
00:17:39.000 Tell me.
00:17:39.000 God damn it.
00:17:40.000 She told me about weird, violent sports that I didn't even know existed. 0.99
00:17:45.000 One of the things she was telling me is why people have a fear of public speaking.
00:17:48.000 This is something that she said the last time she was on the podcast.
00:17:50.000 And I said, why?
00:17:51.000 And she's like, because in the past, when you spoke in public, it was because you were trying to make a case for your survival.
00:17:57.000 Oh, wow.
00:17:57.000 That's interesting.
00:17:58.000 That they were looking at you like you fucked up and there was a big group of people judging you. 0.99
00:18:03.000 I was like, oh. 0.99
00:18:04.000 That's interesting.
00:18:04.000 I would think it's fear of alienation from the pack.
00:18:08.000 It's the same reason people are afraid of success.
00:18:11.000 It's because you don't want to lose your connection to the tribe because it separates you from the tribe.
00:18:17.000 Well, as a comic, don't you notice that when people get to be a certain level of success...
00:18:23.000 There's some of them, like some of them, some of them just stay cool and they just hang no matter what.
00:18:27.000 Like Ron White.
00:18:28.000 Ron White is always just hanging out.
00:18:29.000 Yeah, right.
00:18:30.000 And he's about as big as you get. 0.99
00:18:31.000 I mean, Ron White has sold out fucking arenas, right? 0.99
00:18:33.000 Crazy. 0.99
00:18:34.000 But, you know, you hang with Ron, he's like, hey man, what's going on?
00:18:37.000 You know, you want a drink?
00:18:38.000 Gives you a hug and he's the best, right?
00:18:40.000 But like some people, they get insulated and they get weird and then they lose touch with everybody and then their comedy suffers.
00:18:48.000 Yeah.
00:18:49.000 Well, because you can't be removed from the world to talk about the world.
00:18:52.000 It doesn't really work that way, does it?
00:18:54.000 No.
00:18:55.000 How do you stay normal?
00:18:56.000 Well, I don't know.
00:18:58.000 Like, how do you stay normal?
00:18:59.000 You're super successful. 0.99
00:19:01.000 I think one of the reasons is because I do a lot of other shit, like the yoga. 0.99
00:19:05.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:19:06.000 I think doing yoga, like, it's difficult.
00:19:07.000 Doing jujitsu, bow hunting.
00:19:09.000 Bow hunting is one of the hardest things I've ever done. 0.99
00:19:11.000 It's fucking hard. 0.99
00:19:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:19:13.000 It's super difficult. 0.99
00:19:14.000 Super difficult to get accurate, super intense pressure on the line when you have to execute a shot on a living creature.
00:19:20.000 And then, you know, just to get obsessed with the whole, the methodology behind it and all the technique and all the, and learning and studying it and just, I get obsessed with things.
00:19:31.000 So, by doing things I suck at, like yoga, bow hunting, and jujitsu, you get more humble, you know?
00:19:39.000 I suck less at jujitsu than I do with other things, but I still suck in comparison to people that are really good. 0.73
00:19:44.000 That's really interesting. 0.53
00:19:45.000 I like that because I started baking.
00:19:48.000 There you go.
00:19:49.000 Very domestic. 1.00
00:19:50.000 And I suck at it. 1.00
00:19:52.000 I'm fucking terrible at it. 1.00
00:19:53.000 But you have to think. 0.99
00:19:54.000 But I have to think, and I'm learning, and it's for the thrill and the joy of doing it.
00:19:59.000 It's not result-oriented, and I think that's the difference between hobbies and career, right?
00:20:04.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:20:05.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99
00:20:06.000 There's no results that need to happen with you in bow hunting. 0.99
00:20:09.000 If they happen, great.
00:20:10.000 If not, whatever.
00:20:11.000 But it's for the enjoyment of the activity versus results.
00:20:15.000 Like, oh, why should I play the piano?
00:20:16.000 I'm not going to get to Carnegie Hall.
00:20:18.000 Who says you have to get to Carnegie Hall?
00:20:22.000 Just enjoy the activity.
00:20:24.000 The hobby. 0.99
00:20:26.000 Goddammit. 0.98
00:20:26.000 And being obsessed with the process of learning. 0.98
00:20:29.000 Because you're a beginner.
00:20:30.000 Whereas opposed to if you're some mega celebrity, superstar comedian that sells out giant arenas, you're not a beginner, man.
00:20:38.000 And if that's all you do, if all you do is something you're awesome at, and everybody loves you, and you go out, what's up everybody?
00:20:45.000 Yes!
00:20:47.000 There's a weird disconnect that happens with people.
00:20:50.000 And you see it with certain comics.
00:20:52.000 I mean, you see a clear progression in their stardom and their act falling apart.
00:20:58.000 Right.
00:20:59.000 And that is because of the loss of touch with reality and what's normal in the world. 0.98
00:21:05.000 Also, you get too fucking comfortable. 0.96
00:21:08.000 Right. 0.99
00:21:08.000 Complacency. 0.99
00:21:09.000 Yeah.
00:21:09.000 And you start believing that you're awesome.
00:21:13.000 The self-critical aspect of analyzing your act, going over with a fine-tooth comb.
00:21:19.000 When you just did this special, I'm sure you must have spent a lot of time combing.
00:21:25.000 Every word mattered.
00:21:27.000 Every sentence mattered.
00:21:28.000 Every joke mattered.
00:21:29.000 That's why you're really good.
00:21:30.000 That's the whole thing. 1.00
00:21:31.000 You have to fucking hate yourself. 1.00
00:21:32.000 So much! 1.00
00:21:36.000 So much!
00:21:37.000 It's the worst!
00:21:38.000 I'm so glad you said that because, you know, like I said, I told you before we wrote, like, October 9th, I was just some douchebag who sold 200 tickets in Portland, and I'm still that person, but I'm saying, like, October 10th, 108 million people now have access to my stamp card.
00:21:54.000 Yeah. 0.74
00:21:54.000 It's a bit of a mindfuck, but the good news is I'm still self-loathing enough to be Like, you gotta grind. 0.74
00:22:00.000 I'm still gonna go to the comedy store, work out this next hour, and it's always the work of it. 1.00
00:22:05.000 But you do have to fucking hate. 0.98
00:22:07.000 You can't believe the hype that you're great. 0.99
00:22:09.000 No.
00:22:10.000 That's bad.
00:22:11.000 You know all the various incarnations your act has gone through and each bit has gone through.
00:22:16.000 When someone comes to see you, they're like, We're gonna go see Christina!
00:22:18.000 I'm with the mommies! 0.66
00:22:20.000 And they see you, and it's the first time hearing all the material, and they love it, like, oh my god, it was fucking amazing!
00:22:25.000 You know better, because you know you've gone through it all, and you've picked it apart, and, you know, I always tell people, like, I'm not like the biggest fan of me.
00:22:33.000 I think I can do better.
00:22:37.000 No matter how much I murder.
00:22:39.000 Of your comedy?
00:22:41.000 Of all of it.
00:22:41.000 And you're like one of the most thoughtful, thought-provoking, funny, articulate.
00:22:46.000 You know what I mean?
00:22:47.000 You're really deep and good.
00:22:50.000 I've known myself too well.
00:22:52.000 I'm not buying it.
00:22:54.000 I'm not buying it.
00:22:55.000 You're like, I don't believe.
00:22:56.000 Yeah, you can't.
00:22:57.000 You can't.
00:22:58.000 That's what I was talking to Tom about.
00:22:59.000 That's so funny.
00:22:59.000 This morning, too, we were walking and I was like, I think that's how you keep your career, is if you struggle as though it was the first.
00:23:07.000 Yeah.
00:23:08.000 You know what I mean?
00:23:09.000 Like, you don't think you're all that. 0.99
00:23:10.000 Do stuff that you're sucking at, too. 0.95
00:23:12.000 Do the baking, do the hot yoga, do Pilates. 0.76
00:23:15.000 Pilates is very underrated. 1.00
00:23:17.000 Fucking, it kicks my ass. 1.00
00:23:19.000 I hate it. 1.00
00:23:19.000 I don't like to exercise, but after I had my kid, I was like, I don't want to be brittle and hunched over and shitty at 50. I'm looking to 50. And Pilates is like a core thing. 1.00
00:23:30.000 It works your whole core.
00:23:32.000 That's the thing that people don't think about.
00:23:34.000 It's like a hip word to use, like core.
00:23:35.000 Working my core.
00:23:36.000 What is that?
00:23:37.000 I don't know what that was.
00:23:39.000 What it really means, what you really gotta work, is not just your muscles like your thighs or your arms, but work the stuff that keeps you upright.
00:23:47.000 All those muscles that stabilize your back.
00:23:50.000 All those muscles that allow you to have good posture.
00:23:52.000 All those muscles that keep your discs from compressing.
00:23:55.000 And that's one of the things that yoga does. 0.98
00:23:57.000 It stretches you out and Pilates.
00:23:59.000 I gotta get back into yoga.
00:24:01.000 Go watch you go with Tommy.
00:24:02.000 Yeah, I'm gonna go. 0.99
00:24:03.000 When I had a kid, it fucked up. 0.97
00:24:06.000 I got sciatica. 0.89
00:24:07.000 Because, you know, your body literally splits in half.
00:24:10.000 Your pelvis is two bones, right, that come apart.
00:24:13.000 And the baby comes out, and then it has to heal.
00:24:15.000 So I'm two years postpartum, and it's just now kind of coming back.
00:24:19.000 That's crazy.
00:24:20.000 But, yeah, dude, it's brutal.
00:24:22.000 I'm sure being 39 or 40 when I had a baby probably wasn't, you know, helpful.
00:24:27.000 Yeah.
00:24:28.000 But that Pilates, it kicks my eye.
00:24:30.000 And I'm bad at it, too. 0.94
00:24:31.000 I suck at Pilates. 0.76
00:24:32.000 And I make fun of myself the whole time.
00:24:34.000 I'm like, do I have perfect form?
00:24:36.000 Am I the best at this you've ever seen?
00:24:38.000 But you still do it. 0.99
00:24:40.000 You still fucking push yourself. 1.00
00:24:42.000 Well, doing things that you suck at, I think, is giant for anyone doing anything. 0.99
00:24:46.000 Because I think that if you get to certain levels of proficiency at things...
00:24:52.000 You can get lost in that thing.
00:24:54.000 And I think one of the best ways, especially, maybe I'm just looking at it in terms of creative endeavors, because stand-up obviously is so dependent upon your ideas, so dependent upon creativity, that one of the best ways for me to have other thoughts other than just my immediate act and doing shows and travel,
00:25:14.000 that's the worst thing that happens in comics, right?
00:25:16.000 They start doing airplane jokes, because they're on airplanes all the time, and hotel jokes.
00:25:19.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:25:20.000 They just lose their perspective, right?
00:25:22.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:25:22.000 Do other shit. 1.00
00:25:23.000 Yeah, live a life. 1.00
00:25:24.000 Yeah, live a life and do stuff that's fucking hard. 0.94
00:25:27.000 Yeah. 0.75
00:25:28.000 You know, have some struggles so that the stand-up struggle doesn't seem that... 0.95
00:25:30.000 Stand-up is the easiest fucking part of my day. 0.97
00:25:33.000 Right. 0.99
00:25:34.000 After, you know, doing it for 14 years, yes.
00:25:37.000 Yeah. 0.94
00:25:37.000 After yoga and running and all the different shit I do, the stand-up part is the easiest part. 0.94
00:25:43.000 You know, it's so interesting, too. 0.98
00:25:44.000 I was thinking about...
00:25:46.000 I've been doing it for 14 years before I got this first special. 0.99
00:25:50.000 And I was thinking about the crazy shit you go through to be a comic. 0.98
00:25:56.000 And the horrible positions I put myself... 1.00
00:25:59.000 As a woman, too, it's especially fucked up. 1.00
00:26:02.000 Because you're like... 0.99
00:26:03.000 A feature act and you're staying in like motels where the door faces the fucking parking lot and you're doing some hibachi grill and some weirdo's gonna try to pay you with a fur coat instead of money this week. 0.95
00:26:16.000 And you're like, what kind of sickness was I in in my 20s and 30s where I thought that was... 0.84
00:26:23.000 Okay, you know, you really would only do it when you're young.
00:26:26.000 Like if you wanted to start that right now, it would be such a grind.
00:26:29.000 Like guys like Dean Del Rey, like give it up to that guy.
00:26:33.000 That guy didn't even start doing stand-up. 0.94
00:26:35.000 He was like, I think he was like 46 or some crazy shit like that. 0.87
00:26:39.000 Dean's in his 50s. 0.97
00:26:40.000 No.
00:26:41.000 Yes.
00:26:41.000 He looks great.
00:26:42.000 Looks great.
00:26:43.000 You know why he looks great? 0.99
00:26:44.000 He looked like shit just a few years ago. 0.99
00:26:46.000 He got off sugar completely. 1.00
00:26:49.000 Oh, that's right.
00:26:50.000 He was eating candy all day. 0.99
00:26:51.000 He had like a real sugar problem and he went to the doctor and the doctor said, hey, bro, you're going to get fucking diabetes. 0.99
00:26:56.000 You are right now pre-diabetic. 0.98
00:26:58.000 He's like, see this?
00:26:59.000 Look at your blood.
00:27:00.000 They showed him the blood markers.
00:27:02.000 I'm like, you're on the way.
00:27:03.000 Like, you are right now officially pre-diabetic.
00:27:05.000 What do you do? 0.99
00:27:06.000 And he said, well, I eat gummy bears and shit and... 1.00
00:27:10.000 I can't do his voice either. 1.00
00:27:12.000 I'm eating gummy bears, man!
00:27:15.000 He would eat candy all day long.
00:27:17.000 That's crazy.
00:27:18.000 So bad.
00:27:18.000 So bad for you.
00:27:19.000 That sugar is the worst for you. 1.00
00:27:21.000 That's the fucking devil right there. 1.00
00:27:22.000 It is the devil. 1.00
00:27:23.000 Yeah.
00:27:23.000 But they say your body doesn't really differentiate between fruit and candy.
00:27:28.000 I had a trainer.
00:27:29.000 Isn't that crazy?
00:27:29.000 I had a trainer that called it nature's candy.
00:27:31.000 Ooh.
00:27:31.000 He's like, uh-uh, fruit, nature's candy.
00:27:33.000 Is it a black guy or a country guy? 0.98
00:27:35.000 Okay. 0.66
00:27:35.000 I don't know. 0.66
00:27:36.000 Where do you live?
00:27:36.000 Some guy at Goldberg.
00:27:37.000 From Wyoming.
00:27:38.000 He used to live with cowboy boots on.
00:27:40.000 Don't be eating that nature's candy.
00:27:42.000 Nature's candy.
00:27:43.000 Have yourself a wheat biscuit.
00:27:45.000 He was a miner.
00:27:47.000 He was telling me about Nature's Candy, the evil of it.
00:27:52.000 And I was like, that's true. 1.00
00:27:53.000 It's just fucking sugar. 0.99
00:27:54.000 Yeah, but it's so good. 1.00
00:27:55.000 I had mango the other day.
00:27:57.000 Oh, so delicious.
00:27:58.000 Nice ripe mango. 1.00
00:28:00.000 They make you shit, too. 1.00
00:28:01.000 Makes me shit. 1.00
00:28:02.000 That's like lightning. 1.00
00:28:04.000 You know what makes me shit? 1.00
00:28:04.000 What? 1.00
00:28:05.000 Fucking coffee. 1.00
00:28:06.000 Caveman coffee. 1.00
00:28:07.000 This stuff opens up. 0.99
00:28:12.000 Sometimes I shit like the other day I shit and I tell my seven-year-old about it Tell her she's like daddy you almost done cuz I was playing with her and I had to take this horrible shit I just yeah taking her to a martial arts class and we've gotten home and I go I'll play with you But first I gotta go potty and I was in there like five minutes. 0.99
00:28:29.000 She's like daddy you almost done I'm like look the shit I took was so huge. 1.00
00:28:32.000 I was almost gonna show it to you. 1.00
00:28:34.000 Yeah, I say the poop I don't say shit I don't know why. 0.99
00:28:37.000 I'm preparing. 0.99
00:28:38.000 You don't curse in front of the...
00:28:39.000 I do occasionally.
00:28:40.000 But here's the problem.
00:28:41.000 When she was three, when my youngest was three, we were skiing.
00:28:44.000 She's been skiing since she was like two.
00:28:46.000 And we took her skiing, and we were putting all our stuff back in.
00:28:49.000 And we had everything stacked up, but we were putting bags away.
00:28:53.000 We were getting ready to leave.
00:28:54.000 And my wife goes, Honey, you didn't put your helmet back in. 1.00
00:29:00.000 In the bag. 1.00
00:29:00.000 And she looks at the helmet, she looks at the bag, and she goes, Shit. 1.00
00:29:06.000 There's something about a three-year-old looking at her bag, looking at the helmet and going, shit. 1.00
00:29:12.000 That's great. 1.00
00:29:13.000 And my wife just goes, whoo! 1.00
00:29:14.000 And we were trying not to laugh, to encourage her, but it was fucking hilarious. 0.95
00:29:19.000 Because it was unnatural. 0.91
00:29:21.000 She's like, that's what you're supposed to say.
00:29:22.000 That's what daddy says. 1.00
00:29:24.000 Shit. 1.00
00:29:26.000 Well, that's the problem is that our son has two comics for parents. 1.00
00:29:30.000 Oh, God.
00:29:31.000 Yeah, man.
00:29:32.000 So the other day he was throwing a tantrum and then he pushes Tom and he hits him.
00:29:36.000 And we're just like... 0.97
00:29:37.000 That's ridiculous.
00:29:39.000 You're not even a person yet. 1.00
00:29:41.000 I'm fucking hitting you, Dad. 1.00
00:29:42.000 But then we had to be like... 1.00
00:29:44.000 Hey, buddy.
00:29:45.000 Hey, buddy.
00:29:45.000 How old is he now?
00:29:46.000 Two?
00:29:47.000 Almost.
00:29:47.000 Yeah, he's 20, 22 months.
00:29:49.000 And we're starting that potty training stuff.
00:29:50.000 So we got to come up with the word.
00:29:52.000 Like you said, poo. 0.85
00:29:53.000 Right.
00:29:54.000 And so we started using dump because we wanted to be like...
00:29:56.000 Dump's good.
00:29:58.000 Because it would be really funny when he's in school and he's like, I have to take a dump.
00:30:01.000 Yeah.
00:30:01.000 It's not dirty.
00:30:03.000 It's just funny.
00:30:05.000 So we started with dump, but he can't say it, so it's turned to poo-poo.
00:30:09.000 Oh, that's an easy one.
00:30:11.000 Poo-poo. 1.00
00:30:11.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:30:11.000 Yeah, poo-poo. 1.00
00:30:12.000 Yeah.
00:30:13.000 It's a trip, man. 0.99
00:30:14.000 You don't want to give your kid a word for shit that they can't say. 0.99
00:30:17.000 No, that's right. 1.00
00:30:18.000 So it's got to be poo-poo for them. 1.00
00:30:19.000 Shavansda.
00:30:20.000 Shavansda.
00:30:21.000 Shavansda.
00:30:23.000 Shavansda.
00:30:26.000 You want to make it mama, da-da, poo-poo. 0.99
00:30:28.000 Right, right.
00:30:29.000 Very simple. 0.99
00:30:30.000 Now, my son insists on sitting on my lap while I take a shit sometimes. 0.99
00:30:34.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.99
00:30:35.000 Well, that's the difference between the way kids treat the girl, the mommy, and the daddy. 0.93
00:30:41.000 The mommy they cling to, you know?
00:30:43.000 I mean, did you breastfeed or did you pump?
00:30:45.000 I did, yeah.
00:30:46.000 Did you do both?
00:30:47.000 Did you do the pump thing?
00:30:47.000 Did both, man.
00:30:48.000 Did it all. 0.80
00:30:49.000 Formula, breasts.
00:30:50.000 So they're just connected to you.
00:30:52.000 Just like physically.
00:30:53.000 You are the source of nutrients.
00:30:55.000 You're the source of love.
00:30:56.000 You're the source of life.
00:30:57.000 There's like so much going on.
00:30:59.000 It's so crazy.
00:31:00.000 What does it feel like?
00:31:01.000 Powerful.
00:31:02.000 Yeah.
00:31:02.000 It's the best.
00:31:04.000 As far as being a woman in society, societally it's not that great. 0.97
00:31:08.000 But I will say that reproduction stuff, it's fucking awesome. 0.90
00:31:12.000 How is it not great societally? 0.97
00:31:14.000 Well, okay.
00:31:14.000 I mean, you know, we're still second-class citizens, let's be honest.
00:31:18.000 Women are? 1.00
00:31:18.000 Is that what you're saying? 1.00
00:31:19.000 Yeah.
00:31:19.000 You know, your power is...
00:31:21.000 I don't really feel...
00:31:23.000 It's not really, you know, blah, blah, blah.
00:31:25.000 It's not really equal.
00:31:26.000 But you don't exist in a corporate world, so where do you find...
00:31:29.000 I don't.
00:31:29.000 But where do you find the deficit?
00:31:31.000 Well, in stand-up, definitely.
00:31:33.000 Really?
00:31:34.000 Yeah.
00:31:34.000 I mean, I think it's starting to come around.
00:31:36.000 But if you look at, like, where we're at now, it feels a little regressive in terms of where we were in, like, the 90s.
00:31:43.000 With women? 1.00
00:31:43.000 For female comedy. 1.00
00:31:44.000 I would say, yeah.
00:31:45.000 Whoa.
00:31:45.000 What do you think the source of that is?
00:31:47.000 I cannot.
00:31:49.000 I don't know.
00:31:49.000 I don't know.
00:31:50.000 I think 9-11 changed us, made us more conservative in some ways, a little more insulated.
00:31:56.000 I don't know.
00:31:57.000 I think it's just a lack of quality.
00:31:59.000 I think when someone like you comes along, for real.
00:32:03.000 I've told you this before.
00:32:05.000 I mean, I saw you at the Comedy Store like four or five years ago when I ran up to you, like one set that you had, and I go, dude, you're one of the funniest people alive.
00:32:13.000 I can't take them.
00:32:14.000 Thank you.
00:32:14.000 You're so encouraging of me, and I always am so thankful.
00:32:18.000 You're the reason I got a special.
00:32:19.000 I was in here years ago, and you're like, you should have an hour.
00:32:22.000 And I was like, oh yeah, I should have an hour.
00:32:25.000 Maybe I should get a manager and an agent.
00:32:27.000 I wasn't even thinking in terms of being intelligent.
00:32:31.000 What were you thinking? 0.98
00:32:32.000 I was fucking just like, I just want to be good at this. 0.99
00:32:35.000 I just want to be good. 0.97
00:32:35.000 But that's the right attitude. 0.97
00:32:38.000 Ironically, the people that are like, I need a special now, those people suck, right? 0.89
00:32:42.000 Like the people that are trying to do something that's way out of their reach, like the people that are like, you know, I need to be filling arenas. 1.00
00:32:48.000 Like, no, you need a fucking good 10 minutes, you piece of shit. 1.00
00:32:51.000 Like, what are you talking about? 1.00
00:32:53.000 Like, those are the crazy people, right? 0.58
00:32:55.000 The people that are really good at promotion, but really bad at stand-up.
00:32:57.000 But then, however, there's people who are really talented who don't have enough business savvy.
00:33:03.000 So I think there needs to be some kind of thing where you start to learn the business and you become responsible for that end of it.
00:33:09.000 And I think I was not taking responsibility yet.
00:33:12.000 The beautiful thing about stand-up is that there's a very, especially today, and there's a difference between today and 10 years ago or 20 years ago, because there's more opportunity, and because there's more opportunity, because there's YouTube and there's social media, there's people that have become very famous just through Twitter and Instagram and social media.
00:33:32.000 So all this new opportunity has opened up more possibilities so people are less stingy and there's more of a sense of community for whatever reason, particularly in LA. LA has a very good sense of community.
00:33:43.000 So even if you're not like the most business savvy, you could be around a lot of people like myself or like other people that are encouraging and then help and then tell everybody about their friends.
00:33:55.000 It's one of the cool things about comedy.
00:33:56.000 You'll go to Tom's page, if someone else is doing something, and you'll be like, hey, check out Fultron. 0.93
00:34:02.000 He's fucking hilarious.
00:34:03.000 Check out Ian Edwards. 0.99
00:34:04.000 By the way, Ian Edwards, he's at the Laughing Skull in Atlanta all this weekend.
00:34:08.000 Hilarious.
00:34:09.000 One of the best.
00:34:09.000 One of the best.
00:34:10.000 So fucking funny. 0.97
00:34:11.000 I've been trying to figure... 0.99
00:34:11.000 He's too fucking laid back. 0.99
00:34:14.000 Is that what it is? 0.99
00:34:15.000 Oh, yeah.
00:34:16.000 I mean, when he talks, you're like, come on, come on, come on, pick it up, come on.
00:34:20.000 He's like the opposite of me.
00:34:21.000 He's vegan.
00:34:22.000 He falls asleep constantly. 1.00
00:34:24.000 That motherfucker will sit down and in five minutes he's out cold. 1.00
00:34:27.000 Oh no! 1.00
00:34:28.000 I took pictures of him on the plane the other day.
00:34:30.000 We were flying to Vegas.
00:34:32.000 It's a 40 minute flight.
00:34:33.000 He's out cold.
00:34:34.000 He's not that lack of protein, dude.
00:34:36.000 It's a lack of vitamins for sure.
00:34:38.000 Because he doesn't eat well.
00:34:39.000 He does eat vegan.
00:34:42.000 Look at him.
00:34:42.000 Out cold.
00:34:44.000 He is so funny.
00:34:47.000 But he definitely doesn't take any supplements.
00:34:51.000 He doesn't make sure that he has a complete balanced amino acid profile to his foods.
00:34:56.000 I don't do that either, though.
00:34:58.000 That's a lot of work, Joe.
00:35:00.000 It is a lot of work. 0.99
00:35:00.000 But that's how you want to do it if you want to be fucking jerked. 0.99
00:35:05.000 He said he would eat elk. 1.00
00:35:06.000 Good. 0.63
00:35:07.000 He said he would eat it because I killed it. 0.91
00:35:09.000 He knows where it came from.
00:35:10.000 It's not factory farmed.
00:35:12.000 He doesn't have to participate in the whole factory farm system.
00:35:15.000 So I'm going to cook him some meat.
00:35:17.000 I'm going to turn him.
00:35:18.000 Are you going to put it on Instagram?
00:35:21.000 I would love to see it.
00:35:22.000 Yeah, I am. 1.00
00:35:23.000 I'm going to film that shit. 1.00
00:35:24.000 I'm going to have Jamie set up a camera on a tripod. 1.00
00:35:28.000 The new studio has a grill.
00:35:30.000 Of course.
00:35:31.000 Of course it has a grill.
00:35:33.000 It has big iron Yoder pellet grills. 0.99
00:35:35.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.99
00:35:37.000 So you're moving on next week. 0.98
00:35:39.000 We'll be in there next week.
00:35:42.000 It's enormous.
00:35:45.000 It's Daddy's Playhouse.
00:35:49.000 Oh my god.
00:35:50.000 It's going to be a good time.
00:35:51.000 Can't wait.
00:35:51.000 I'm very excited.
00:35:51.000 That's super cool.
00:35:52.000 So we're going to turn Ian when he gets over there.
00:35:54.000 Okay.
00:35:55.000 Yeah.
00:35:55.000 Why is he...
00:35:57.000 Is it a moral thing?
00:35:59.000 It's a moral thing.
00:36:00.000 It's a health thing.
00:36:01.000 He was eating very poorly. 1.00
00:36:03.000 He was eating junk food and just bullshit food, pizza and burgers and stuff, and he felt like shit. 0.99
00:36:09.000 And he made a decision for his health, and then along the way he started examining the moral consequences of factory farming. 0.99
00:36:16.000 Yeah.
00:36:17.000 Ian's just a really smart guy.
00:36:19.000 He is a smart guy.
00:36:20.000 Super smart.
00:36:21.000 And just, again, Atlanta, Laughing Skull, this weekend.
00:36:24.000 He's one of the funniest guys alive.
00:36:26.000 I just worked with him.
00:36:27.000 And he's so mellow, too.
00:36:28.000 Just a mellow.
00:36:29.000 I've known Ian for, I want to say like 25 years.
00:36:34.000 Are you serious?
00:36:35.000 Yeah, we've been friends. 1.00
00:36:36.000 We've been friends since, um, shit. 0.99
00:36:40.000 The early 90s. 0.99
00:36:41.000 What?
00:36:42.000 Where?
00:36:42.000 When?
00:36:43.000 How?
00:36:43.000 New York.
00:36:44.000 Has he been a comic that long?
00:36:46.000 Yeah, he has.
00:36:47.000 But what Ian did is, Ian is a really good writer.
00:36:50.000 And one of the things that happened along the way is he started getting a lot of jobs writing.
00:36:54.000 Yes.
00:36:55.000 Writing on television shows.
00:36:57.000 And that happens to guys where they do that.
00:37:00.000 It happened to Fitzsimmons, who's also one of the best comics alive.
00:37:03.000 And they get distracted by other people's work.
00:37:06.000 And then people don't realize how good they are at stand-up. 0.96
00:37:09.000 If you get a chance to see Greg Fitzsimmons, he is one of the fucking best comics alive.
00:37:13.000 And Greg and I started out literally a week apart from each other. 0.84
00:37:16.000 Are you serious?
00:37:17.000 Same club.
00:37:18.000 In Boston.
00:37:19.000 He's great.
00:37:19.000 I love him.
00:37:20.000 He's best.
00:37:21.000 And he's a great human being, too.
00:37:23.000 And he's super funny.
00:37:24.000 He's super funny and super smart and just a sweetheart.
00:37:27.000 He is. 0.98
00:37:28.000 And just ridiculous. 0.99
00:37:29.000 He's so funny. 0.93
00:37:30.000 That's true about writing for other people.
00:37:32.000 Because I wrote for cartoons for many years, and I do feel like it sucks your juice out of you, your voice.
00:37:40.000 And then I worked on Chelsea for a minute and wrote on that show, and I was like, I can't.
00:37:44.000 I can't do this anyway.
00:37:46.000 You feel like you're cheating, you know, your own voice.
00:37:49.000 Well, you're working so much on other people's stuff and then not at all at your own stuff and then all of a sudden your thing is done and you're behind.
00:37:56.000 Instead of like at the same spot you were when you started, you're behind.
00:37:59.000 Because you don't even know your act anymore.
00:38:01.000 You got to go over your material.
00:38:02.000 You're not really working anymore.
00:38:04.000 It's not in your conscious.
00:38:05.000 It's not always there.
00:38:06.000 Was it Louis C.K. that was talking about when he was a writer on some late...
00:38:10.000 Was it The Tonight Show or something I want to say?
00:38:12.000 Yeah.
00:38:12.000 He was a writer on one of the big late night shows and he got it pretty young too and he was like, this is the best job I could ever hope for and I think I'm gonna hate myself if I stay here because, you know, I know I want to be a comic.
00:38:27.000 I know somewhere that there's something out there I need to be doing.
00:38:29.000 So it's like this gilded cage of being a writer.
00:38:32.000 Yeah, well, it's also being on a sitcom will do that.
00:38:35.000 Being on a sitcom did that to me, for sure.
00:38:38.000 Really?
00:38:38.000 Oh, yeah.
00:38:38.000 It felt like you weren't doing your full potential.
00:38:41.000 I was working all day, and then I was still doing sets at night, but I wasn't writing any new material at all. 0.98
00:38:46.000 I was just doing the same set over and over again, and I started to suck. 0.68
00:38:51.000 I started having some hard sets.
00:38:53.000 And one night, the writers came to see me, and I went up late at the comedy store. 0.96
00:38:58.000 And ate a platter of dicks. 0.76
00:39:01.000 Just a full... 0.99
00:39:03.000 Like someone getting married, or they bring over the hors d'oeuvres. 0.99
00:39:08.000 I ate every dick on the tray. 0.97
00:39:10.000 And I just realized, I've become a bad comic. 0.99
00:39:14.000 I used to be good when I was young, and then I got this show, and then over the course of the four years, five years that I was on the show, my act deteriorated.
00:39:21.000 And I realized, I gotta get back on the horse.
00:39:23.000 And because of that one bombing set, Like a year and a half later, something like that, I got my first album that I did on Warner Brothers.
00:39:33.000 Oh, wow.
00:39:33.000 It was like...
00:39:34.000 Ten years into comedy.
00:39:36.000 So the whole thing was like a velvet cage, you know?
00:39:41.000 It's like, oh, this is it.
00:39:43.000 I've made it.
00:39:43.000 Everything's going to be beautiful now.
00:39:44.000 But it's not, because you're not doing your thing.
00:39:46.000 You're not doing your thing.
00:39:47.000 It's funny.
00:39:48.000 Someone asked me, like, well, what do you want to do, Christina?
00:39:51.000 What do you want to do? 0.96
00:39:52.000 And I was like, I'm kind of fucking doing it. 0.78
00:39:54.000 The podcasting world is amazing. 0.98
00:39:56.000 Stand-up's great.
00:39:58.000 I'm doing it.
00:40:00.000 Could you imagine a show that gives you the kind of freedom that your podcast has?
00:40:03.000 Never. 0.99
00:40:03.000 Do you know how many fucking dumb meetings we'd have to have with the higher-ups about, you can't say jeans, you can't talk about mommies, you can't... 0.99
00:40:09.000 Look, we've got a survey and people don't understand what jeans is. 0.99
00:40:13.000 You're calling each other jeans.
00:40:15.000 Like, I don't mind if you do it once.
00:40:17.000 Just don't, just don't do it every show.
00:40:19.000 And the moose soup lady, what's that about? 1.00
00:40:21.000 And the thing, and I don't want to fucking, I don't like answering people for stuff. 0.98
00:40:25.000 Ugh. 0.95
00:40:26.000 Yeah, I don't like, yeah, the notes. 0.99
00:40:28.000 The ridiculous notes. 0.92
00:40:29.000 Could you imagine if he had some douchey, unfunny producer that was telling you guys how to do your show? 0.97
00:40:33.000 Oh, and that's what, that's what it can be.
00:40:36.000 Oh, yeah.
00:40:36.000 Yeah, all the time.
00:40:37.000 Oh, yeah.
00:40:38.000 Yeah, how many times you can say one thing or, yeah, it's the worst.
00:40:42.000 Ugh.
00:40:44.000 When you were an actor, when you acted on that show, would you get lines that you were just like, I can't, how do I, I can't?
00:40:51.000 No, not on news radio.
00:40:52.000 Because news radio was so good, and the writers were so good, and the guy who ran it, Paul Sims, the executive producer, the creator of the show, he was a genius.
00:41:02.000 And one of the things that was brilliant about him, he was, he's still alive, still a genius.
00:41:06.000 One of the things that was brilliant about him is he let everybody ad-lib.
00:41:10.000 Dave Foley was almost like the secret producer of that show.
00:41:13.000 I love Dave Foley.
00:41:14.000 He's amazing.
00:41:14.000 But because he was on news radio right after Kids in the Hall, like he did Kids in the Hall, where he's one of the primary writers, he's a really good writer.
00:41:22.000 So he would see, like, you know, the thing is...
00:41:26.000 Have you ever been on a sitcom before?
00:41:27.000 You ever worked on a sitcom?
00:41:28.000 No.
00:41:29.000 One of the things you do, you do a run-through.
00:41:31.000 So you do a table read where you go down, everybody sits down, you go over the lines, you find out what's funny, everybody laughs.
00:41:38.000 The writers will go back to the writing room, they tweak stuff a little bit, and then you go to the floor and you run it.
00:41:42.000 And so what you do in a run-through is you'll start off, okay, we're at scene here in the break room, blah, blah, blah.
00:41:49.000 And maybe it just doesn't work.
00:41:51.000 Maybe it seems like it worked, but it doesn't work.
00:41:53.000 And Dave would be the guy that goes, Um, Andy, why don't we try this?
00:41:58.000 Like, Vicky, why don't you walk in here, and Andy, you walk in at the same time, and you guys both say the same thing at the same time, and then, you know, he'll, like, come up with, like, a whole new scenario to get this point across to move us into the next scene.
00:42:11.000 And he would do that in front of the producers, and they would go, love it, perfect, let's go with that.
00:42:15.000 And so they'd rewrite the scene and put Dave's lines in.
00:42:18.000 And I swear to God, that might have happened 40% of the time.
00:42:20.000 Wow.
00:42:21.000 So if you see that show, maybe 40% of the scenes at least were tweaked by Dave Foley.
00:42:27.000 That's bananas.
00:42:28.000 And did he get the punch-up credit?
00:42:30.000 He got money.
00:42:31.000 I don't think he got punch-up credit.
00:42:33.000 But that was the thing.
00:42:34.000 Everybody was just working to do...
00:42:36.000 But oddly enough, Phil Hartman did zero of that.
00:42:39.000 Phil Hartman was just like, stick to the script and kill it.
00:42:42.000 But his character was such a beautiful character to write for.
00:42:46.000 This sort of...
00:42:49.000 Obtuse, ridiculous guy who was just like just completely, you know, just didn't get it and was like full of himself and he was so good at playing that character that they would just nail his character and he would just go out and smash it. 0.99
00:43:03.000 That's crazy. 0.98
00:43:04.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:43:04.000 I was a little too young when that show came out and I didn't get to see it, but Phil Hartman, holy shit, right? 0.99
00:43:10.000 Yeah, holy shit. 0.99
00:43:12.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:43:13.000 Fucking crazy. 0.99
00:43:15.000 I like Rodney Dangerfield. 1.00
00:43:18.000 Did you ever hear that back to school when he got that script?
00:43:21.000 It was kind of a turd.
00:43:22.000 And the story goes that he took it and he wrote jokes in all the margins and sent it back to the studio.
00:43:30.000 And they were like, this is hilarious.
00:43:32.000 Can we make this movie? 0.98
00:43:33.000 He's like, yeah, you can pay me $10,000 a joke and I'll fucking do it that way.
00:43:37.000 That's awesome, dude. 0.75
00:43:39.000 That's how Dave Foley should have been.
00:43:42.000 I think that's what Kevin Hart does with movies where he has a negotiation for the movie, right?
00:43:49.000 They say, oh, we'll give you X amount of million dollars for the movie.
00:43:53.000 And they go, but we want you to promote it on your social media.
00:43:55.000 We want you to put it on your Twitter.
00:43:57.000 And he's like, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
00:43:59.000 That's a different deal.
00:44:00.000 Yeah.
00:44:00.000 Like, this is all my thing.
00:44:02.000 I built that up.
00:44:02.000 Like, if you want that, you've got to give me more money for that.
00:44:04.000 That's what's up, Kevin Hart.
00:44:06.000 And they're like, what?
00:44:08.000 Like, yeah.
00:44:08.000 But if the movie does well.
00:44:10.000 No, no, no, no, no, no. 1.00
00:44:11.000 This is your motherfucking movie. 1.00
00:44:12.000 You're giving me money. 1.00
00:44:13.000 So if you want me to promote it on my Instagram, on my social media, like, that's a business.
00:44:18.000 He's built up a promotional business.
00:44:20.000 I love it.
00:44:20.000 Yeah.
00:44:21.000 That guy's a genius when it comes to that shit. 1.00
00:44:23.000 Fantastic. 1.00
00:44:23.000 Absolutely. 1.00
00:44:24.000 Yeah.
00:44:25.000 Fantastic.
00:44:26.000 Why not?
00:44:26.000 Why not?
00:44:27.000 You should be compensated for that.
00:44:29.000 That's your following.
00:44:29.000 Especially him.
00:44:30.000 That's his whole deal.
00:44:32.000 So unbelievable.
00:44:33.000 I mean, most of what he became, he became because it was Comedy Central special and then relentless social media stuff.
00:44:40.000 Really?
00:44:40.000 Yeah, massive at it.
00:44:41.000 And obviously he's really funny.
00:44:43.000 Super funny.
00:44:44.000 I mean, if you don't have talent, he's one of the rare guys that has talent and he's really good at promotion.
00:44:49.000 Whereas most, you know, most of the people that are like really, like there's a lot of people that are good at promotion, but they're not talented.
00:44:54.000 Right, you need to have some kind of meat for the bone.
00:44:57.000 You know who was great at that, though?
00:44:59.000 I mean, the OG gangster of it was Dane Cook.
00:45:01.000 If you think back to, was it even like Friendster or Myspace?
00:45:05.000 Yeah.
00:45:06.000 He started it.
00:45:06.000 He was the first dude.
00:45:08.000 He became famous through social media.
00:45:11.000 It's crazy.
00:45:11.000 The first guy ever.
00:45:12.000 Yep.
00:45:12.000 Yeah.
00:45:13.000 That's crazy.
00:45:14.000 Well, you have to have that in you, I guess.
00:45:15.000 I remember reading a People Magazine article.
00:45:18.000 I was at the dentist.
00:45:20.000 And it was a People Magazine article that said that Dane had 250,000 MySpace followers.
00:45:24.000 And I was like, what?
00:45:25.000 What?
00:45:26.000 I was like, that's insane.
00:45:27.000 It wasn't followers.
00:45:28.000 It was friends.
00:45:28.000 Right?
00:45:29.000 Oh, right.
00:45:30.000 Oh, my God. 0.98
00:45:31.000 I've got so many friends I don't even fucking know. 0.97
00:45:33.000 Yeah. 0.72
00:45:33.000 It's weird. 0.72
00:45:34.000 And you're like, who knows that many people?
00:45:38.000 You know what's really crazy is that MySpace just evaporated.
00:45:41.000 It did.
00:45:42.000 That's what's really...
00:45:42.000 But it's weird.
00:45:44.000 To what, though?
00:45:45.000 Facebook took its place, right?
00:45:47.000 Yes.
00:45:48.000 But MySpace's still there.
00:45:50.000 Like, Jamie, go to MySpace.
00:45:52.000 Let's see what it looks like.
00:45:52.000 Is my profile still there?
00:45:54.000 Taylor Swift.
00:45:54.000 Oh my god, it is!
00:45:55.000 Ed Sheeran.
00:45:56.000 Watch Miley Cyrus perform on carpool karaoke.
00:45:59.000 Oh my god. 1.00
00:46:00.000 People love that car karaoke shit. 1.00
00:46:03.000 No, people, not normal people. 1.00
00:46:05.000 No one that's healthy.
00:46:07.000 I can't watch. 1.00
00:46:08.000 All this shit sucks. 1.00
00:46:09.000 Why does everything suck? 1.00
00:46:11.000 It doesn't necessarily all suck, but a lot of it sucks. 1.00
00:46:14.000 A lot of it. 0.98
00:46:14.000 I mean, I'm on the Apple TV. I try to find stuff. 0.98
00:46:19.000 I'm like, what's so fucking stupid? 1.00
00:46:20.000 The only thing that's interesting about that is that they're actually in a car and they're actually driving. 1.00
00:46:24.000 Right.
00:46:24.000 They let him drive?
00:46:25.000 He's driving.
00:46:25.000 How do they film that?
00:46:26.000 They film the GoPros and shit. 0.99
00:46:28.000 Like, this is MySpace. 0.98
00:46:29.000 But this is so strange. 1.00
00:46:31.000 It's like, who's on this motherfucker? 0.99
00:46:33.000 I don't know. 0.99
00:46:34.000 Now it's like a news site.
00:46:35.000 Like, who are the people?
00:46:37.000 See if I'm on it still.
00:46:38.000 There's Liz.
00:46:39.000 She's a musician.
00:46:40.000 Oh, there's Iggy Azalea.
00:46:42.000 I tried to delete my page a long time ago and they wouldn't let me.
00:46:47.000 It might still be there.
00:46:48.000 You're a lifer.
00:46:49.000 Oh, look at these comedians.
00:46:50.000 I know all of them.
00:46:52.000 These guys are top. 1.00
00:46:54.000 What the fuck are these people? 1.00
00:46:56.000 You don't know. 1.00
00:46:57.000 Look at that guy with the hair.
00:46:59.000 I know.
00:47:01.000 I went to see him.
00:47:02.000 I'd be super upset if he didn't shave his head.
00:47:04.000 Did you take funny comedy pictures ever in the beginning of your career?
00:47:06.000 Oh, the wackiest. 1.00
00:47:07.000 I took the stupidest picture ever. 1.00
00:47:09.000 I had a fake mugshot picture with lipstick kisses on my face. 1.00
00:47:14.000 I think I tried to put a bra on my head too, but I'm so dumb. 0.96
00:47:18.000 Oh, it's so embarrassing. 0.97
00:47:20.000 I had a business card.
00:47:21.000 Did you ever do that?
00:47:22.000 I never had a business card.
00:47:24.000 I don't think.
00:47:24.000 I don't think I did.
00:47:26.000 And it was a picture of me at four years old making a funny face.
00:47:30.000 That's actually cute.
00:47:31.000 Yeah, it's painful.
00:47:33.000 It's so embarrassing.
00:47:34.000 Do you have a headshot now? 0.59
00:47:36.000 Now.
00:47:37.000 Do you?
00:47:37.000 Yeah.
00:47:38.000 I don't have one.
00:47:39.000 I need to get one.
00:47:40.000 Yeah.
00:47:40.000 People keep saying, hey, will you sign a picture for somebody?
00:47:42.000 I'm like, you have a picture for me?
00:47:44.000 I took one 20 years ago.
00:47:46.000 I don't have any pictures, man.
00:47:47.000 You know, those, like, you used to have pictures at the comedy clubs.
00:47:50.000 I know.
00:47:50.000 It's coming next week, and you put up a headshot.
00:47:51.000 I don't even have one.
00:47:52.000 What do they put up of you?
00:47:53.000 I have no idea.
00:47:54.000 Just, like... 0.98
00:47:55.000 They just find some shit online, they print it, and they put it up. 0.99
00:47:57.000 But see, that's how I feel now. 0.99
00:47:58.000 Like, come on, man.
00:47:58.000 I'm online.
00:47:59.000 Print that shit out. 1.00
00:48:00.000 You find it. 1.00
00:48:00.000 Yeah, print that shit out, bitch. 1.00
00:48:01.000 Yeah, it's all there. 1.00
00:48:01.000 Yeah, you don't need to have my name at the bottom of it. 1.00
00:48:04.000 No. 1.00
00:48:04.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
00:48:05.000 You can write that. 1.00
00:48:06.000 Come on.
00:48:06.000 Yeah, right?
00:48:07.000 Take a fucking Sharpie, dude. 1.00
00:48:09.000 The headshot thing was always a big deal in Boston, because in Boston, there was like the old guard. 1.00
00:48:17.000 There's these guys that had been around forever that were like the top dogs in the local scene. 1.00
00:48:21.000 Those guys were like, if you have a headshot, you probably fucking suck. 0.99
00:48:25.000 No one ever worked on their headshot. 1.00
00:48:27.000 Kinda true.
00:48:28.000 Yeah, like the young guys would have these new fancy headshots.
00:48:31.000 The old guys, they didn't have anything.
00:48:33.000 They would just murder.
00:48:34.000 That's so true.
00:48:34.000 Like, Steve Sweeney playing at the Kowloon restaurant.
00:48:36.000 He'd just murder.
00:48:37.000 No headshot. 0.96
00:48:38.000 Try to find a headshot of him. 0.99
00:48:40.000 It's fucking faded. 0.99
00:48:41.000 You gotta pull it out of a window. 0.98
00:48:43.000 It was sitting there from the late 80s.
00:48:45.000 That's so true. 0.99
00:48:46.000 Whoever had their shit together most as an open-miker was definitely the unfunniest. 1.00
00:48:50.000 Like, Well, there was a bunch of... 0.99
00:48:52.000 Do you remember...
00:48:53.000 It probably wasn't around when you were around, but there was a thing called the Comedy USA Industry Guide?
00:48:58.000 No.
00:48:59.000 When I first started out, there was a thing called the Comedy USA Industry Guide, and they would send it out to all the industry.
00:49:05.000 And I was always super in awe of the guys that had a big page.
00:49:09.000 And a lot of it was like college acts.
00:49:12.000 A college act back then, that was the pinnacle.
00:49:15.000 That's what you wanted to be.
00:49:16.000 You wanted to be a college act.
00:49:17.000 Because if you were a college act, you could make like $1,000 a college or $2,000 a college. 0.99
00:49:23.000 Like, holy shit. 0.99
00:49:25.000 And you would think about it. 0.99
00:49:25.000 Oh my god, I could do two colleges on a weekend and make $4,000. 0.99
00:49:29.000 Crazy.
00:49:29.000 This is insane.
00:49:30.000 And I knew guys who were doing it.
00:49:31.000 I knew guys who were like, man, you should clean your act up so you could do colleges.
00:49:35.000 They would all say that.
00:49:36.000 That was my favorite.
00:49:36.000 That was the best when I started, too.
00:49:38.000 It was, you gotta work clean.
00:49:40.000 Otherwise, you're not gonna get on The Tonight Show.
00:49:42.000 You're not gonna get on the thing. 1.00
00:49:44.000 And then the internet happened, and everybody was like, fuck you, and you're clean. 0.99
00:49:49.000 You know, there's different outlets now. 0.99
00:49:51.000 You don't need to, you know, there's cable.
00:49:54.000 It's just not the same.
00:49:55.000 You know what's really gross, too?
00:49:58.000 The mediocre comic that suppresses the talented guys that are coming up.
00:50:03.000 You ever seen those guys that like tell you what to do and what not to do?
00:50:07.000 Yes!
00:50:07.000 There was this one guy who was the host of like open mic night in Boston at the time and he was aggressively mediocre.
00:50:14.000 His act was horrible. 0.99
00:50:16.000 But he was like, you would go on stage and even if you killed, even if you had a good set, he would shit on the fact that you had to swear, you broke the fuck meter! 1.00
00:50:24.000 You were up there breaking the fuck meter! 1.00
00:50:26.000 Like, what? 0.99
00:50:27.000 Like, you know, you can't do that on TV. There's going to be a lot of guys that are on TV, and they're going to be on TV, and you're going to be back here doing the same jokes, saying the fuck word all the time. 0.99
00:50:37.000 Like, what? 0.74
00:50:38.000 And I was like, well, what about the comics I like, like Andrew Dice Clay or Sam Kinison?
00:50:43.000 I got news for you, man.
00:50:44.000 You're not Dice Clay.
00:50:45.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:50:46.000 They love to remind you where you are on the totem pole.
00:50:49.000 Yeah, but I was like, well, somebody's Dice Clay.
00:50:51.000 This is not good advice.
00:50:53.000 No.
00:50:54.000 I remember being told, back to, with comedy I think right now for female comics, I feel like right now there's a particular dichotomy between the Madonna whore thing. 0.98
00:51:04.000 Either you're young and hot and you're talking about sexual stuff, or you're me. 1.00
00:51:09.000 You're like your fucking mom. 1.00
00:51:10.000 I'm talking about mom stuff. 1.00
00:51:12.000 It's different.
00:51:13.000 It's not like you could be just a person.
00:51:15.000 I don't think so right now.
00:51:17.000 But why do you think that?
00:51:19.000 Because I think you can.
00:51:20.000 I think anybody can be a person if you just own it.
00:51:22.000 You can.
00:51:23.000 I don't know if...
00:51:24.000 I don't know.
00:51:25.000 You just don't see it.
00:51:25.000 I think it's the marketing and I think it's just marketing.
00:51:28.000 See, I just think you're not seeing it.
00:51:31.000 It's not that it can't be done.
00:51:33.000 I think people look at archetypes, right?
00:51:34.000 They look at something that's already been carved out.
00:51:37.000 Yes. 0.71
00:51:37.000 Sarah Silverman, she's pretty and she talks dirty. 0.71
00:51:39.000 I can do that.
00:51:40.000 I've seen that.
00:51:41.000 And you see these...
00:51:42.000 Patrice O'Neill used to call them babies.
00:51:45.000 Like, I got a lot of babies in comedy.
00:51:48.000 David Tell got a lot of comedy babies.
00:51:50.000 Right.
00:51:51.000 And they...
00:51:51.000 Dave Attell had a ton of comedy babies because people would imitate what they saw that was successful.
00:51:56.000 You saw that thing and you go, oh, I know that.
00:51:59.000 I can do like that.
00:52:00.000 I can talk like Dave.
00:52:01.000 And so there's these people that sort of like imitated his cadence and his rhythm. 0.94
00:52:05.000 And like some of them egregiously, like some of them you're like, Jesus Christ, you're like borderline a thief.
00:52:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99
00:52:12.000 But I think, too, it's easier for the audience to identify a woman as this is the one I have sex with or this is mommy. 0.97
00:52:20.000 No, I'm serious. 0.93
00:52:21.000 And I don't even mean this as like a, uh, a woe is me, like, blah, blah, blah. 0.62
00:52:24.000 Like, it's just, it just, I feel it is. 0.99
00:52:26.000 Either there's women that you fuck, and then there's women that you, that are off limits that are somewhat maternal. 1.00
00:52:32.000 At least that's from my experience in the comedy world, uh, hanging out with dudes. 0.99
00:52:35.000 It was like, the best thing that ever happened to me was hooking up with Tom Segura, because it put like a magical lasso.
00:52:42.000 Like, Of your off-limits?
00:52:45.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:52:45.000 On fuckability. 0.98
00:52:46.000 Right, right, right. 0.98
00:52:47.000 You could be one of the friends.
00:52:48.000 Yes.
00:52:49.000 I became an off-limits person.
00:52:51.000 I became a person.
00:52:52.000 And it was great.
00:52:53.000 And I find that as I get older and become less, the fuckability stuff goes down, I really like it. 0.51
00:53:00.000 I really like just being a human. 0.98
00:53:04.000 I wasn't gonna fucking go with this. 0.96
00:53:05.000 No, I know what you're saying, but do you think this is all in your own head? 0.97
00:53:08.000 Yeah, maybe.
00:53:09.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:53:10.000 All reality is, right?
00:53:11.000 I mean, aren't we all living in our own heads?
00:53:13.000 Yeah, because a lot of these archetypes that everybody sort of claims are inescapable, then you'll see someone that doesn't fit into that at all, and you go, oh, well, I didn't see that coming, you know?
00:53:26.000 Well, I'm trying to think of the big female comics, and they're usually either one or the other, right? 0.93
00:53:31.000 It's either mommy or... 0.97
00:53:33.000 What about Ellen?
00:53:34.000 Very asexual, right? 0.78
00:53:36.000 Yeah.
00:53:36.000 She's neither.
00:53:37.000 She's got short hair, and she probably eats a ton of pussy, right? 1.00
00:53:42.000 If you had a guess. 1.00
00:53:44.000 I would love...
00:53:46.000 Maybe she just gets hers eaten now. 1.00
00:53:47.000 Oh, that's right.
00:53:48.000 She puts her feet up, she gets her toes done, and she just gets her box eaten. 1.00
00:53:52.000 I would love to hear her talk about eating pussy. 1.00
00:53:54.000 That would be like my favorite thing ever. 1.00
00:53:56.000 Yeah, I wonder if she makes a face.
00:53:59.000 I don't know, dude. 1.00
00:54:00.000 When she eats pussy, maybe she goes like this. 1.00
00:54:01.000 You know, she... 1.00
00:54:10.000 But she came off that time.
00:54:11.000 Or maybe she was like this. 0.65
00:54:13.000 Maybe she's super gross about it. 1.00
00:54:15.000 I think she's super gross. 1.00
00:54:16.000 I think it's the people that are super one-way, publicly, maybe privately. 1.00
00:54:21.000 Maybe she's a real bitch. 1.00
00:54:22.000 I've always thought about that, about comedians. 1.00
00:54:25.000 Especially the nicey-nice ones.
00:54:27.000 Well, not just the nicey-nice ones, but the over-the-top defenders of women that turn out to be super pervy. 1.00
00:54:35.000 We know a few of those.
00:54:36.000 They get busted after a while.
00:54:40.000 There's people that you can trust.
00:54:41.000 You know where you stand with Joey Diaz.
00:54:44.000 Yes.
00:54:45.000 Yeah.
00:54:46.000 Absolutely.
00:54:47.000 I love Joey Diaz and I trust him because I know that's it. 1.00
00:54:50.000 I don't trust male comics that don't talk about their dicks or jerking off or pussy and stuff. 1.00
00:54:54.000 Because you're like, what's the fucking... 1.00
00:54:57.000 Where's the darkness? 1.00
00:54:58.000 Yeah, where's your dark...
00:54:59.000 the shadow self or whatever, as they say.
00:55:01.000 If you're not addressing the darkness, the darkness comes out elsewhere, right?
00:55:07.000 Darkness.
00:55:07.000 The darkness.
00:55:08.000 The darkness.
00:55:09.000 It comes out of places. 1.00
00:55:11.000 Yeah, I always wonder what Jim Gaffigan's freak shit is. 1.00
00:55:15.000 He's so clean. 1.00
00:55:17.000 I don't know.
00:55:17.000 He might be the exception to the rule.
00:55:19.000 He might be, right?
00:55:19.000 Because he's so nice.
00:55:20.000 Family guy.
00:55:21.000 I think he really likes being a family guy. 1.00
00:55:23.000 I don't sense that shit from him. 0.99
00:55:25.000 But Cosby, that was a surprise. 1.00
00:55:28.000 Was it though?
00:55:30.000 Did you ever hear the rumors?
00:55:31.000 No.
00:55:32.000 See, I did.
00:55:33.000 In show business circles, because briefly I lived in the actor's world, right, when I was on news radio, and I would hear it.
00:55:39.000 I would hear it back then that he would drug people.
00:55:41.000 Really?
00:55:42.000 Yes, yes, yes.
00:55:43.000 Yeah, you would hear it.
00:55:45.000 Wow.
00:55:45.000 It was like one of those weird rumors that would go around.
00:55:47.000 Bill Cosby drugs people.
00:55:49.000 Wow, dude!
00:55:50.000 Dude, it was going on forever.
00:55:51.000 That's why Hannibal talked about it.
00:55:53.000 Nice.
00:55:53.000 When Hannibal talked about it on stage, and then it all blew up, which is kind of crazy if you know Hannibal, you know?
00:55:59.000 He just happened to be talking about it, and then someone happened to be filming it, and then the rest of the world was like, is that true?
00:56:05.000 Is that true?
00:56:06.000 Because Bill Cosby's always telling people to not swear, especially like, he was big on telling young black comedians not to swear, not to talk about sex.
00:56:15.000 And he's like, he goes, Bill Cosby's always telling that? 0.99
00:56:17.000 Well, he's talking about raping people. 0.98
00:56:18.000 And everybody's like, what? 0.99
00:56:19.000 What did he say?
00:56:21.000 Wait, what?
00:56:22.000 What?
00:56:22.000 But that was like, the rumor was always around.
00:56:25.000 Yeah.
00:56:25.000 I had heard some creepy, a little creepiness, but I didn't know it was that extent.
00:56:32.000 Did not know.
00:56:33.000 When someone does something like that to people, that's one of the... 0.99
00:56:38.000 That's one of the creepiest fucking things a human can do to another human. 0.99
00:56:42.000 And the idea that this guy, who was America's father, right, in a lot of ways, he was our black dad. 0.99
00:56:49.000 You know, he was the moral authority.
00:56:51.000 He was your black dad.
00:56:52.000 He was Mr. Huxtable.
00:56:53.000 Yeah.
00:56:54.000 You know? 0.66
00:56:54.000 And then the fact that that guy, someone described him as the biggest serial rapist in the history of America. 0.66
00:57:01.000 Like, that really might be the case. 0.90
00:57:03.000 Because if he really did drug all these people that he said he did, like, how many people have raped more? 0.92
00:57:09.000 He might be number one, which is crazy. 0.96
00:57:11.000 Insane to think.
00:57:12.000 It's crazy. 0.89
00:57:13.000 And the whole time with their hip and the hop and the nonsense. 0.53
00:57:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:57:19.000 He's the darkest motherfucker ever. 1.00
00:57:22.000 Darkest. 1.00
00:57:22.000 Just drugging them, watching them blast out. 1.00
00:57:25.000 That's fucking... 1.00
00:57:26.000 And he's got kids. 1.00
00:57:27.000 I know. 1.00
00:57:27.000 Which is even more fucked up. 1.00
00:57:29.000 The crazy part when you have children. 1.00
00:57:30.000 He's drugging someone else's baby and sticking his dick in them while they're unconscious. 1.00
00:57:34.000 It's so evil. 1.00
00:57:36.000 It's evil.
00:57:36.000 Now, what about Harvey Weinstein?
00:57:39.000 Oof.
00:57:40.000 Yeah.
00:57:40.000 Oof.
00:57:42.000 And he's one everyone knew about, too, apparently.
00:57:44.000 Apparently.
00:57:45.000 Yeah, that's the cliché, right? 1.00
00:57:50.000 The disgusting boss of the studio that wants you to suck his dick in order to get a role. 1.00
00:57:54.000 I know. 1.00
00:57:55.000 It's funny because you do think, well, isn't that kind of why you become a show business executive to get chicks? 0.98
00:58:01.000 Not to rape chicks. 0.97
00:58:02.000 Sexual assault is always off the table. 0.99
00:58:04.000 But did he rape them?
00:58:06.000 Now it's coming out that there's rape. 0.98
00:58:09.000 Last I checked today...
00:58:12.000 I know.
00:58:12.000 And he is not a looker.
00:58:14.000 He's definitely not cute.
00:58:15.000 He looks like the type of guy that would be the type of guy he is.
00:58:18.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:58:19.000 Which is what's fucked up. 1.00
00:58:20.000 He's so nasty. 1.00
00:58:21.000 Suicide threat prompts police response. 1.00
00:58:23.000 Whoa.
00:58:23.000 Oh, we're there, huh?
00:58:25.000 Went to a fight with his daughter this morning and they had to...
00:58:27.000 She called the 911. Damn, homie. 1.00
00:58:30.000 Because he was going to kill himself? 1.00
00:58:31.000 Something, I don't know.
00:58:32.000 Well, he must be so overwhelmed with guilt and fear and remorse and just self-hatred.
00:58:40.000 You know, he sounds like an addict, you know?
00:58:43.000 Yeah. 0.57
00:58:44.000 Yeah, and that...
00:58:45.000 He's also probably a power addict.
00:58:47.000 You know, like he's this guy who's like this gluttonous man.
00:58:52.000 Like if you look at his physical self, right?
00:58:54.000 His face is overflowing on his collar and he's just gluttonous, like, MORE! Food!
00:59:01.000 Where's the coke? 1.00
00:59:02.000 Pussy! 1.00
00:59:03.000 Pussy money! 1.00
00:59:05.000 There's this gluttonous existence. 0.99
00:59:08.000 It's not like a measured, thought out, contemplative, introspective existence where he's just trying to enjoy his time here.
00:59:16.000 Like, wow, how lucky I am that I get to do this and make these amazing movies.
00:59:20.000 You guys are all great.
00:59:21.000 That's what I expect from Steven Spielberg.
00:59:23.000 I expect Steven Spielberg to be this really introspective, thoughtful guy who's enjoying the process of making amazing movies.
00:59:31.000 But he's a creative thing.
00:59:34.000 Harvey's an executive guy, right?
00:59:35.000 He's the money guy behind everything. 1.00
00:59:37.000 Coke and caviar and suck my dick. 1.00
00:59:43.000 It is so nasty. 1.00
00:59:44.000 It's so gross. 0.99
00:59:45.000 But, okay, now, on the other hand, on the other hand, I was like, you know, Hollywood is such a labyrinth in terms of, like, getting shit done and getting deals closed and how does this happen? 0.98
00:59:55.000 It would kind of be nice to be like, you want a Netflix special? 1.00
00:59:59.000 Just go fucking suck that guy's dick. 1.00
01:00:02.000 And then I could be like, oh, that's all I have to do is suck that guy's... 1.00
01:00:05.000 Yeah, come over here, you nasty fuck. 1.00
01:00:07.000 And then there's your special. 1.00
01:00:09.000 Right?
01:00:10.000 Way easier.
01:00:11.000 Would you have to have a conversation with Tommy?
01:00:13.000 Listen, Tommy, this is not sex.
01:00:16.000 This is a job.
01:00:18.000 It's work.
01:00:19.000 Right.
01:00:19.000 And then it's like cut and dry and it's an exchange.
01:00:22.000 You know, I was in law school for two weeks and I remember- Two weeks?
01:00:25.000 Two weeks and I dropped out.
01:00:26.000 In contract law, it's an exchange of something for something else.
01:00:30.000 Right. 0.91
01:00:30.000 Seems fucking pretty straightforward. 0.91
01:00:32.000 Well, that's what prostitution is, right? 1.00
01:00:33.000 Yeah.
01:00:33.000 Which is one of the weirdest things that massage is legal but prostitution isn't.
01:00:37.000 Isn't that something? 0.96
01:00:38.000 It is odd, because we do not like genital pleasure. 0.94
01:00:41.000 No. 0.98
01:00:42.000 We don't like genital pleasure for cash. 1.00
01:00:43.000 Like, genital pleasure has to be for love. 0.98
01:00:45.000 It has to be love. 0.99
01:00:46.000 Right.
01:00:46.000 And it has to be given free.
01:00:48.000 It's the only thing in civilization that we require to be given away for free.
01:00:53.000 Everything else you can exchange money for.
01:00:56.000 It's so interesting.
01:00:57.000 You can exchange money for food, right?
01:00:58.000 It's not prostitution if someone cooks for you, right? 1.00
01:01:01.000 That's normal.
01:01:02.000 It's a total normal thing.
01:01:03.000 But it's a very intimate thing.
01:01:04.000 Feeding someone...
01:01:06.000 Yes, yes, of course.
01:01:07.000 You can go to a hair salon, they'll wash your head.
01:01:09.000 They give you a head massage.
01:01:10.000 It feels so good.
01:01:11.000 That's the best.
01:01:11.000 That's one thing I miss about having hair.
01:01:13.000 I rub my head.
01:01:16.000 It's the best feeling in the world.
01:01:18.000 Like a head massage.
01:01:21.000 Or a foot massage.
01:01:22.000 People love foot massages.
01:01:23.000 I know.
01:01:23.000 I bet there's people out there that like foot massages more than they like head.
01:01:27.000 Yeah, for sure.
01:01:27.000 For sure.
01:01:28.000 For sure.
01:01:28.000 Right?
01:01:29.000 But then you put a camera... 1.00
01:01:31.000 In front of two people fucking. 0.99
01:01:32.000 It's totally legal. 0.99
01:01:33.000 And now it's legal.
01:01:34.000 You can pay them.
01:01:35.000 So what's... 0.98
01:01:35.000 We're retarded. 0.98
01:01:36.000 Yeah, that makes no sense. 0.96
01:01:38.000 We're babies.
01:01:38.000 Yeah.
01:01:38.000 We're growing up babies.
01:01:39.000 But maybe because you can commodify that and that's a capitalistic thing.
01:01:43.000 Maybe it's more commodifiable as a product.
01:01:46.000 Honestly, I think there's two factors.
01:01:49.000 One is the tax factor. 0.82
01:01:51.000 It's very difficult to get taxes from people that are prostitutes. 0.98
01:01:54.000 It's like, no, [... 0.89
01:01:55.000 None of that.
01:01:56.000 Where's that money going?
01:01:57.000 Give us our cut! 0.80
01:01:59.000 And then the other thing is the sex trafficking. 0.85
01:02:04.000 Sex slavery aspect.
01:02:06.000 Protecting people that are sex traffickers.
01:02:10.000 Because you could have someone that was sold into sex slavery or in some way bartered their You know, trip to America and had some sort of a sex slave deal. 0.99
01:02:22.000 That's where it gets fucked up. 0.99
01:02:23.000 But there's been arguments that what makes that exist in the first place is that prostitution is illegal here. 0.99
01:02:29.000 Yes.
01:02:30.000 And if prostitution was legal, it would be that stuff would all go away, much like the argument is with illegal drugs.
01:02:37.000 Like if you made marijuana legal, you wouldn't have as much of the Mexican drug, you know, illegal trade, which you are seeing.
01:02:44.000 You know, you are seeing in America.
01:02:46.000 Of course. 1.00
01:02:46.000 It's retarded. 1.00
01:02:48.000 Wait, but with Harvey, he was the guy that would give girls the shoulder rubs. 0.98
01:02:54.000 He would tell them to massage him.
01:02:56.000 He would massage them. 0.51
01:02:58.000 They would massage him.
01:03:00.000 He would do, according to these girls, I don't know if it's true, but he'd be the guy that would be like, I'll be right back.
01:03:04.000 And he comes back in a bathrobe.
01:03:06.000 He's the bathrobe guy. 1.00
01:03:07.000 That's so fucked up. 1.00
01:03:08.000 But here's the thing. 1.00
01:03:09.000 I don't mean to make light of anybody's sexual assault or whatever it was.
01:03:15.000 Or harassment.
01:03:16.000 Oh, they're working on the roof again. 1.00
01:03:17.000 Damn. 1.00
01:03:17.000 Wonderful. 1.00
01:03:18.000 But here's the thing.
01:03:20.000 How many women said yes? 0.99
01:03:22.000 Probably a fuckload. 0.99
01:03:23.000 That was his move. 0.97
01:03:24.000 What we're seeing is his missed pitches.
01:03:27.000 Right. 0.98
01:03:28.000 He hit a lot of fucking triples and home runs, knocked a lot of balls out of the park, but occasionally he was whiffing. 0.99
01:03:36.000 Occasionally he was like, I got this one in the back, boys. 1.00
01:03:39.000 And she's like, fuck off, you pig. 1.00
01:03:41.000 And he's like, oh, come on, just come back to my room. 1.00
01:03:43.000 No, no, no. 1.00
01:03:43.000 It's like, shit. 1.00
01:03:44.000 What happened, Harvey? 1.00
01:03:46.000 Wasn't connecting.
01:03:47.000 I wasn't connecting.
01:03:48.000 But listen, I got all this. 0.97
01:03:49.000 There's a girl who wants to be in the next fucking this movie and Avatar 16. Right. 1.00
01:03:54.000 And she's willing to do the thing to get the part.
01:03:57.000 And that's kind of, okay, yeah. 1.00
01:03:59.000 Then suck that guy's dick and get the part and get your money and get on with it. 1.00
01:04:02.000 How many girls read the story when it broke and could still taste the asparagus caviar flavored cum? 1.00
01:04:10.000 Just the cocaine and... 0.98
01:04:15.000 Vodka in his loads. 0.89
01:04:20.000 I bet he has a phlegmy moan when he comes. 0.98
01:04:27.000 He's the kind of guy that has the white spittle in the corners of his mouth when he talks to you. 0.99
01:04:33.000 He's trying to hit on you. 0.51
01:04:34.000 He's got a little white spit bubble on his lip. 0.99
01:04:39.000 He's nasty. 0.99
01:04:39.000 He's nasty. 0.99
01:04:40.000 But that's a gluttonous man. 1.00
01:04:43.000 He's out of control.
01:04:43.000 It's not attractive.
01:04:45.000 It's definitely not. 0.99
01:04:46.000 Oh, my favorite, too, is that he would jerk off into... 0.99
01:04:49.000 Did you hear this? 0.99
01:04:49.000 Into plants, right? 0.99
01:04:52.000 Well, he's green.
01:04:53.000 He wants to exist off of his loads.
01:04:55.000 But that's such a desperate thing.
01:04:57.000 Like, come over.
01:04:58.000 Come here.
01:04:58.000 Can I have it?
01:04:59.000 No?
01:04:59.000 Okay, stay here then.
01:05:00.000 You know, like, it's so...
01:05:02.000 Maybe he was hoping they would just dive on the grenade.
01:05:06.000 Thank you.
01:05:07.000 To save a soldier.
01:05:08.000 Thank you. 0.98
01:05:09.000 And also, like, I was thinking, too, like, I've seen so many dudes jerking off in public. 0.95
01:05:14.000 Like, homeless guys. 0.97
01:05:16.000 I never got anything for it.
01:05:18.000 Is it, you know?
01:05:20.000 Good point.
01:05:20.000 Yeah.
01:05:23.000 Yeah, guys, look, here's the thing about male sex versus female sex, right, is the accepting part of female sex versus the giving, like trying to take this, take it! 0.99
01:05:36.000 And the other thing is that men literally are constantly building cum. 0.99
01:05:42.000 While you're alive, your cum is backing up. 0.96
01:05:45.000 Yeah. 0.93
01:05:45.000 So if you're not, like, I used to have the bit in my act that was really based on advice that I used to give friends when they're like, oh, I don't know, my girl wants to get married. 0.93
01:05:54.000 Listen to me.
01:05:56.000 Jerk off first and then think about it. 0.97
01:05:58.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00
01:05:59.000 Like, if you're having a hard time with someone, and you don't know what to do, and you're going to see them, jerk off first, and then see them. 0.99
01:06:06.000 And then you'll be able to deal with them without any sexual lust. 0.99
01:06:09.000 You won't be making...
01:06:10.000 Because me, as a young man, this is a real issue with me when I was in my 20s, because I was so horny.
01:06:17.000 It was like I was a drug addict.
01:06:19.000 So I'd be like making agreements with myself. 1.00
01:06:21.000 Yeah, she's annoying, but she's going to let me have sex with her. 1.00
01:06:24.000 So listen, let's just change our behavior and mold to what she likes, and then you'll get to fuck her. 1.00
01:06:30.000 That's what you need. 1.00
01:06:30.000 Otherwise, you'd just be beaten off. 1.00
01:06:32.000 But I remember one time...
01:06:34.000 I was supposed to go out with this girl, and she was just so preposterously annoying. 1.00
01:06:39.000 It was so frustrating.
01:06:40.000 She just was always negative. 0.90
01:06:42.000 And before I went out, before I went to go get her, I jerked off. 0.77
01:06:46.000 And I was sitting there, I was going, what am I doing? 0.94
01:06:48.000 Like, I don't even enjoy her company.
01:06:50.000 Like, she's not compatible with me.
01:06:52.000 Like, I don't... 0.61
01:06:53.000 If you just like someone as a person and you like having sex with them, that's a relationship. 0.54
01:07:00.000 Yes. 0.90
01:07:00.000 But if you only like having sex with them, you have some sort of a weird barter deal. 0.90
01:07:05.000 And that's a lot of men. 0.82
01:07:07.000 A lot of men get in, and I'm sure a lot of women probably too, but... 0.75
01:07:10.000 I can only speak for men. 0.94
01:07:11.000 Like, men get involved in these relationships where you're really just in a relationship so that you have a continuous supply of sex. 1.00
01:07:19.000 Especially when you're young and stupid. 1.00
01:07:21.000 When you're 20 years old, you're basically a monkey, you know? 1.00
01:07:24.000 You're just like a little ape person, just trying to fuck, and you're just trying to, I love her, she's really cool. 1.00
01:07:29.000 Why do you love her? 1.00
01:07:30.000 Because she smells good? 1.00
01:07:31.000 Because her tits feel good in your mouth? 1.00
01:07:32.000 Like, what is really going on here? 1.00
01:07:34.000 Do you actually enjoy her company as a human being, outside of sex?
01:07:39.000 Doesn't matter.
01:07:40.000 Right.
01:07:40.000 Most of the time you don't.
01:07:41.000 And so if you just jerk off first and then hang out with someone and you actually like them, then you have a real relationship. 0.96
01:07:49.000 Like, oh, I really like you. 0.98
01:07:51.000 I like you.
01:07:51.000 Yeah, you clear out the pipes, right?
01:07:53.000 You clear out the testosterone and now you can just think clearly.
01:07:57.000 It's super smart.
01:07:59.000 But I think, I mean, I'm just guessing.
01:08:01.000 I've never been a media mogul, but I would imagine there's a bunch of factors going on. 1.00
01:08:08.000 First of all, there's a bunch of people that are constantly kissing his ass and rubbing his ass. 1.00
01:08:14.000 Like, I saw a picture of him with Renee Zellweger. 1.00
01:08:17.000 And Renee Zellweger was like cuddling up with him and she had her hand on him and he had his arm on her and there was like some other celebrity to his right and they were like yuck, yuck, yucking it up.
01:08:26.000 But he was like pawing her.
01:08:28.000 He had a hold of her.
01:08:29.000 And I would imagine that there's all these people that recognize that he's this like epicenter of power and success and you want Harvey Weinstein of Miramax to love you and you would get close to him and you have a couple of drinks and you're doing coke together.
01:08:45.000 Yeah, look at that.
01:08:46.000 She's got her hand on his leg.
01:08:47.000 Oh, yeah, dude.
01:08:48.000 And he's got Russell Crowe to his right and Renee Zellweger to his left and she's smiling.
01:08:53.000 They're probably hammered.
01:08:55.000 Everyone's on Xanax. 1.00
01:08:56.000 Next thing you know, he's got his dick in her butt. 1.00
01:08:59.000 That's crazy, dude. 1.00
01:09:00.000 I'm just imagining that.
01:09:02.000 Bridget Jones, diary number two.
01:09:03.000 Number six.
01:09:04.000 Great.
01:09:05.000 Fine with me.
01:09:05.000 I don't know if that really happened.
01:09:06.000 No, I don't either.
01:09:07.000 My point is that it's not just that he was predatory.
01:09:11.000 It was also that...
01:09:13.000 He lived, I'm just guessing, okay?
01:09:15.000 I'm not an apologist, folks.
01:09:17.000 But I would imagine that he lived in this world where he was like royalty.
01:09:23.000 He was essentially like the king of this empire, right?
01:09:27.000 So he had all these employees.
01:09:29.000 It was one of the articles that I read today.
01:09:31.000 I think it was from the Telegraph where this guy was saying that he was at a party or one of his friends was at a party and they were having a conversation with this girl who worked for Harvey and Harvey just said her name from across the room and her face went pale and she immediately just ran away from him to run to her like didn't say excuse me I'll be right back just ran out of fear Who knows?
01:09:56.000 That is obvious.
01:09:57.000 It could be interpretation after the fact.
01:10:00.000 It could be exaggeration of what the actual circumstances were to fit a narrative. 0.99
01:10:04.000 But you've got to imagine that this guy is just multi-multi-millionaire, just orgiastic, gluttonous Jabba the Hutt motherfucker. 1.00
01:10:14.000 Just getting his dick sucked and just... 1.00
01:10:17.000 We're going to be the biggest ever! 1.00
01:10:20.000 The biggest ever!
01:10:23.000 And then there's also these girls that he can't get.
01:10:25.000 And he's like, close to them, close to them, pretty close, pretty close.
01:10:28.000 And that's the anger, right?
01:10:29.000 Listen, Christina, I think you've got his hand on you.
01:10:32.000 Listen, I think you're one of the best.
01:10:34.000 One of the best.
01:10:35.000 Come into my room.
01:10:35.000 Let's talk about this.
01:10:36.000 I've got a proposal.
01:10:37.000 I've got a proposal.
01:10:38.000 You come up to his room and he's got a bathrobe on.
01:10:40.000 You're like, what?
01:10:41.000 He's like, just give me a massage.
01:10:43.000 My neck is tense.
01:10:44.000 My neck is tense.
01:10:45.000 You like Coke?
01:10:46.000 What about caviar?
01:10:47.000 What about Coke and caviar?
01:10:48.000 You like Coke and caviar together? 0.93
01:10:49.000 That's so gross. 0.94
01:10:50.000 No, no, no, no, no. 0.99
01:10:53.000 He is unbelievably... 0.99
01:10:55.000 Him, and I have to say, and I know Hugh Hefner was a big mogul and he did a lot of cool shit. 0.97
01:11:01.000 For me, that would be a tough gig, too. 0.96
01:11:04.000 Like, living in the mansion and being one of the girls like, I'm over for movie night!
01:11:09.000 You know, and he's in his pajamas. 0.72
01:11:11.000 And you know that he butt-sexed them because he didn't want to get anyone pregnant. 0.77
01:11:15.000 Is that true?
01:11:16.000 That's what I read in, what is it, Holly Madison wrote a book? 1.00
01:11:21.000 Is that her fucking name? 0.99
01:11:22.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:11:22.000 Dolly Madison's the pastry. 1.00
01:11:26.000 He butt-sexed them so that they didn't have to worry about birth control? 0.99
01:11:31.000 That's correct. 1.00
01:11:31.000 And then there's a lot of, like, he would make the girls make out in front of him, and then he would masturbate, too. 1.00
01:11:37.000 It's also kind of, I think, is a way of avoiding possible pregnancies. 0.98
01:11:41.000 Wow.
01:11:42.000 So he probably developed a strategy over years of, like, ducking pregnancies.
01:11:47.000 Yeah.
01:11:47.000 Wow, that's a weird thing too, right?
01:11:50.000 To be putting yourself out there as this person with a lot of money who really likes young girls and the young girls go, all I have to do is catch one load.
01:11:59.000 That's all you have to do. 1.00
01:12:00.000 I've heard stories about athletes that girls put holes in the condoms or the girls take the condoms out of the trash and squirt them into their pussy. 1.00
01:12:10.000 Imagine, how was I born, mommy? 1.00
01:12:14.000 Well, it's a lovely story. 1.00
01:12:16.000 Your mommy took a condom, like one of them pastry bags, and squirted that fucker in there. 1.00
01:12:26.000 Well, your mother fished a filthy condom out of the trash. 1.00
01:12:29.000 I threw it in the toilet. 1.00
01:12:31.000 That's crazy.
01:12:31.000 I pretended to throw it in the toilet, but I had one saved in my mouth.
01:12:34.000 I spit that one in the toilet, and that's why you're alive.
01:12:39.000 Wild.
01:12:40.000 Wild.
01:12:40.000 But then I heard that the Playboy Mansion, she wrote that it was run down.
01:12:45.000 And they had, like, bunk beds and shit in the rooms. 0.97
01:12:48.000 And, like, it wasn't as glamorous as everybody would let to leave. 0.98
01:12:51.000 I can attest to that.
01:12:53.000 Oh, you've been there?
01:12:54.000 Yeah, we did a Fear Factor Playmate edition.
01:12:57.000 And I was like, huh, this is it?
01:12:59.000 I gotta go see that episode.
01:13:01.000 The grotto was...
01:13:04.000 The people that worked there were very nice.
01:13:05.000 The girls were very nice. 0.98
01:13:06.000 But there's a thing that you're experiencing.
01:13:11.000 Where it's like they don't have a whole lot of options.
01:13:13.000 Yeah.
01:13:13.000 So it's like, it's an option for them to be a part of this.
01:13:17.000 And some of them loved it, for sure.
01:13:18.000 Some of them, it was what they wanted.
01:13:20.000 And for some of them, there's like a sadness to it.
01:13:23.000 It's like, and it's also, some of them, when we did Fear Factor, like some of them were like older playmates.
01:13:28.000 They had been playmates like 10 years ago or 15 years ago.
01:13:30.000 So they were like pushing 30?
01:13:32.000 Yeah, and maybe even older.
01:13:33.000 Uh-oh.
01:13:33.000 And then they're like, what am I going to do soon?
01:13:36.000 Like, what am I going to do in five years?
01:13:38.000 What am I going to do in 10 years?
01:13:39.000 And then there's not a lot of answers on the horizon, so they'll go looking for maybe some old rich husband type character, or maybe some way out financially, maybe some business they can start, some clothing line.
01:13:53.000 Everyone's We've got a hustle and a scam, but they essentially don't really have a career.
01:13:57.000 They have this sort of opening into this world, and then they would have the mansion parties, right?
01:14:03.000 I went to one for the Marijuana Policy Project.
01:14:07.000 I hosted this thing, this event.
01:14:10.000 And it was just very weird.
01:14:13.000 They have bands playing and stuff, and you're just walking around, and there's pot everywhere, and everyone's stoned out of their mind.
01:14:18.000 It was extra surreal because of the pot factor.
01:14:21.000 But you go by where you had pets. 0.99
01:14:24.000 It was like birds and monkeys and shit. 1.00
01:14:26.000 You're like, what the fuck is this place? 1.00
01:14:28.000 Everybody's high as fuck. 1.00
01:14:30.000 And there was no Playmates for that one. 0.99
01:14:33.000 That was weird because that was one of the ones you rent out.
01:14:36.000 And so a lot of these lecherous guys went there.
01:14:39.000 They rented it out.
01:14:41.000 Sweets?
01:14:41.000 No, they rent out the use of the mansion.
01:14:44.000 I did not know that.
01:14:45.000 Yeah.
01:14:45.000 Oh, so you can come in the grotto where everyone else comes?
01:14:49.000 Yes.
01:14:49.000 Like the general public comes there too.
01:14:51.000 That's kind of nice. 1.00
01:14:52.000 You want to jerk off in the grotto. 0.98
01:14:53.000 I don't know if they actually let people in the grotto when I was there. 0.99
01:14:55.000 I don't remember.
01:14:56.000 It was quite a long time ago, but I do remember like the Grotto had this phone from like the 1970s.
01:15:01.000 Of course it did. 1.00
01:15:02.000 This old ass, fucked up phone. 1.00
01:15:04.000 But you gotta think like the upkeep on a place like that, it's probably super expensive. 1.00
01:15:07.000 There's the phone. 0.99
01:15:09.000 Look at that old whack-ass phone and all the buttons for the lights and shit. 1.00
01:15:14.000 And you know he wasn't going to put money into renovating that shit because he was old. 1.00
01:15:19.000 He was like, I'm dying. 1.00
01:15:20.000 Who cares?
01:15:20.000 I also think there wasn't money.
01:15:22.000 I don't think that the mansion was like a location that actually made money because it was like a destination and they would rent it out for stuff.
01:15:32.000 But I don't think the magazine was making money.
01:15:34.000 I think the magazine was really struggling.
01:15:35.000 Once the internet happened, then you can get pornography for free.
01:15:39.000 Yeah.
01:15:39.000 And you can actually see everything.
01:15:42.000 See the whole thing.
01:15:42.000 Yeah, why buy Playboy?
01:15:44.000 Like, oh, I can see public hair.
01:15:46.000 But you see when they took nudity out for like a whole year.
01:15:50.000 What are you talking about?
01:15:51.000 They did?
01:15:52.000 Yes.
01:15:52.000 Why?
01:15:53.000 Because they were getting crazy.
01:15:54.000 They're like, we're going to be Maxim.
01:15:55.000 Oh, like a lad mag.
01:15:57.000 We're just going to show girls. 0.99
01:15:57.000 Yeah, okay. 0.99
01:15:58.000 Who cares?
01:15:58.000 Yeah, they did for a little while.
01:16:00.000 The sales tanked.
01:16:02.000 Yeah.
01:16:03.000 They crashed even further.
01:16:04.000 Of course.
01:16:05.000 Maxim's mag.
01:16:05.000 Did you know on a military base in the British ones that they let them look at titty mags?
01:16:11.000 Like, they can get Maxim magazine and stuff.
01:16:14.000 Is that weird?
01:16:15.000 The American military does not allow you to look at titty mags and stuff.
01:16:18.000 Well, the American military has a very high rate of sexual assault.
01:16:21.000 I don't know if you know that.
01:16:22.000 Yes, I do know that.
01:16:23.000 I've been to the Middle East, Afghanistan, and a lot of those bases, and I've heard bad stories.
01:16:28.000 It's apparently a giant issue that is very suppressed because you're not dealing with law in terms of civilian law.
01:16:38.000 You're dealing with military law.
01:16:39.000 Right.
01:16:40.000 Yeah, I don't know what the real numbers are, but I've read quite a few stories about that's a real issue.
01:16:46.000 And if you don't give them an outlet, you know, and you have a bunch of people watching their friends' heads get blown up.
01:16:52.000 That's the thing.
01:16:53.000 I mean, your whole reality is out the window when you're at war.
01:16:57.000 And I'm not excusing anyone for sexual assault, but I'm saying, like, Yeah, dude.
01:17:09.000 Yeah, dude.
01:17:23.000 Yes, I heard that in the Navy.
01:17:24.000 They used to do those deals a lot.
01:17:27.000 Yeah, they did those deals.
01:17:28.000 But it's kind of good, though.
01:17:29.000 I mean, when you think about it, I would choose military over prison. 1.00
01:17:32.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99
01:17:32.000 I'm like, yeah, good, put me on the boat. 0.99
01:17:33.000 I don't know if I'm Joe. 1.00
01:17:34.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99
01:17:35.000 Yeah, I think you're right. 1.00
01:17:36.000 I think because I was in Kuwait.
01:17:39.000 I think.
01:17:39.000 And they were talking about, you know, guys coming out of active battle and they're just so whacked out.
01:17:45.000 And I think that's what happens when they assault women and stuff. 1.00
01:17:48.000 Who knows?
01:17:50.000 Yeah, it's crazy.
01:17:51.000 You also have PTSD. You also have CTE, which leads to impulsive behavior.
01:17:56.000 What's CTE? I don't even know what that is.
01:17:58.000 Chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
01:18:01.000 Encephalopathy?
01:18:01.000 What's the actual word?
01:18:03.000 Encephalopathy.
01:18:04.000 Encephalopathy?
01:18:06.000 It's brain damage.
01:18:07.000 Oh my God.
01:18:08.000 Essentially, it's what football players get, what boxers get, MMA fighters get it, people with head injuries.
01:18:14.000 And one of the things that is a part of that is that you get impulsive and you do irrational things, thoughtless things, almost like you can't help yourself.
01:18:22.000 And they think that it's responsible for erratic changes in behavior, violent behavior amongst athletes that have it, especially football players. 0.84
01:18:31.000 You see some of the really aggressive, fucked up things that football players have done, they attribute some of it to CTE. Yeah. 0.92
01:18:38.000 That's terrible.
01:18:40.000 We are the NFL in 1962. Researchers say the professional bull rider killed himself at CTE. Which came out today.
01:18:47.000 Yeah.
01:18:47.000 Of course.
01:18:49.000 Of course. 1.00
01:18:50.000 You're riding a fucking 2,000 pound monster animal. 1.00
01:18:53.000 You have his balls tied up in a knot. 1.00
01:18:55.000 Have you ever done the military stuff in an active war zone? 0.97
01:19:00.000 No. 0.99
01:19:01.000 It's fucking... 0.99
01:19:01.000 I went to Afghanistan a few years ago, like in 07 or something. 0.99
01:19:06.000 I can't do it again.
01:19:07.000 I was so...
01:19:08.000 It's just so nutty.
01:19:10.000 You're right, and it's boys.
01:19:11.000 It's like 19-year-old boys that are just getting blown up, stepping on IEDs.
01:19:17.000 I go visit boys in hospitals with shrapnel on their faces and...
01:19:22.000 And the crazy part is the guys that are injured, they feel bad that they're not out fighting with their company.
01:19:29.000 They feel guilty that they're not still out there.
01:19:32.000 Have you ever read Sebastian Junger?
01:19:35.000 Have you ever read any of his stuff?
01:19:36.000 No.
01:19:37.000 He's got a great book called Tribe, and a lot of it is about what happens to people in times of war and what happens to soldiers.
01:19:47.000 The camaraderie that they share together, and that even though it's these harrowing, you know, death-filled moments of their life, that when they look back at it, it was their favorite time of life.
01:20:00.000 Isn't that interesting?
01:20:01.000 Yeah, because people apparently...
01:20:04.000 I mean, a lot of people believe this, that people without extreme struggle don't find meaning in life.
01:20:10.000 And that the dull, gray, cubicle life, stuck in traffic, eating fast food, watching TV, going to sleep, that is the torture.
01:20:21.000 That's the torturous existence, not the existence of battle.
01:20:25.000 And the camaraderie.
01:20:26.000 That they share when these soldiers are side by side fighting for their lives and defending each other.
01:20:34.000 The camaraderie is incredibly intense.
01:20:36.000 And the emotions are incredibly high, I would imagine, too.
01:20:39.000 That high stakes.
01:20:40.000 Your life is at stake, dude.
01:20:42.000 And you have to take care of each other.
01:20:44.000 And that's so true.
01:20:45.000 There is nothing more depressing than the gray.
01:20:48.000 The gray is the worst.
01:20:49.000 The Sisyphean thing, like they push the rock up and then the rock comes.
01:20:54.000 Muzak.
01:20:54.000 Elevator music.
01:20:55.000 Yeah, that's absolutely true.
01:20:57.000 The drone.
01:20:58.000 The drone of nothing existence.
01:21:00.000 It's just, I mean, that is what most people sell their time for.
01:21:04.000 You know, they sell their eight hours every day plus commuting to the drone time.
01:21:10.000 Just droning on.
01:21:11.000 And a lot of those people are listening to this right now.
01:21:14.000 One of the things about podcasts that's amazing for that is like people get a chance to hear the way other people live and think and then realize like there is a way out.
01:21:24.000 I am alive.
01:21:25.000 I'm alive and my brain is working and I can think and even though I'm stuck here because I have to pay my bills, this is not permanent.
01:21:32.000 I need to figure out my exit strategy and I need to start moving on now and they start doing that and that's a huge factor in people's futures to hear the fact that other people have been stuck I don't know.
01:21:44.000 You've been stuck. 0.99
01:21:45.000 You've been stuck in shit jobs. 1.00
01:21:46.000 Hell yeah. 1.00
01:21:47.000 I mean, I fucking did it. 0.99
01:21:49.000 I had 22 jobs in four years when I graduated from college. 0.99
01:21:52.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:21:52.000 I had a fucking philosophy degree and that was, you know, totally useless. 0.99
01:21:56.000 And I tried everything before I became a senior comedian. 0.99
01:21:59.000 Name it, dude.
01:22:01.000 Dog walker, parking attendant, production assistant.
01:22:05.000 I worked in a cannery.
01:22:08.000 What's a cannery?
01:22:09.000 A cannery in Chatsworth.
01:22:11.000 I worked in a cannery.
01:22:12.000 Like you make canned foods?
01:22:13.000 Like cans, like these cans here.
01:22:15.000 Yeah, like Laverne and Shirley worked at the beer thing or whatever.
01:22:17.000 I worked in a cannery.
01:22:18.000 Very short job.
01:22:20.000 Because I wanted to know what the world was about.
01:22:22.000 I didn't know what the world was about.
01:22:23.000 And I didn't know that...
01:22:24.000 I just didn't fit in anywhere.
01:22:25.000 I was a paralegal.
01:22:27.000 I was an immigration paralegal, a corporate paralegal.
01:22:29.000 And at the time, you didn't need to have any kind of accreditation.
01:22:33.000 You just had to have an attorney say that you were.
01:22:35.000 And so I just learned.
01:22:36.000 That's it? 0.99
01:22:36.000 It was fucking crazy. 0.99
01:22:37.000 Yeah, pre-9-11. 0.99
01:22:39.000 So an attorney says, yep, here's your stamp.
01:22:41.000 You can be an immigration paralegal, because I worked long enough.
01:22:45.000 Could I? Not right now.
01:22:46.000 Now you need to get a certification, yeah.
01:22:48.000 I'm a minister.
01:22:49.000 You are?
01:22:50.000 Yeah, I'm an ordained minister.
01:22:52.000 Congratulations.
01:22:53.000 Thank you.
01:22:54.000 That's phenomenal.
01:22:55.000 I did it online.
01:22:56.000 You did?
01:22:56.000 How long did it take?
01:22:57.000 Five minutes.
01:22:58.000 You training?
01:22:59.000 Yeah.
01:22:59.000 There was no training.
01:23:00.000 Yeah, no, of course.
01:23:01.000 I think I sent in some money.
01:23:03.000 I don't remember.
01:23:04.000 That was a long time ago.
01:23:05.000 I married some people, though.
01:23:06.000 You did?
01:23:07.000 Yeah, I married these two people that won Fear Factor. 1.00
01:23:10.000 It's a really nice couple.
01:23:11.000 Married them.
01:23:12.000 That's nice of you to do.
01:23:13.000 People ask us to marry them, and we're like, I don't know if I... I would never do it again.
01:23:17.000 Right?
01:23:17.000 I've had people ask since then.
01:23:18.000 I'm like, nope, I'm 1-0.
01:23:19.000 And I think they're still together, so...
01:23:21.000 That's good. 1.00
01:23:22.000 Worked out, bitch. 1.00
01:23:24.000 But as an addendum to what you were just saying about that cubicle life, that gray life, and I don't know if this is a function of turning 40 for me, but I've had this thing lately where I'm really acutely aware of my death. 0.99
01:23:37.000 I've always been very...
01:23:39.000 Like, I've always loved thinking about my death because it frees me to be alive, you know?
01:23:45.000 Right, right.
01:23:45.000 But now I'm 41 and I'm like, I feel like I'm knocking on death's door.
01:23:49.000 Like, I get this weird thing of like, it's so short.
01:23:53.000 Like, you don't really have a lot of time on this planet.
01:23:55.000 And it's really weighing on me now more, especially now that I have a child.
01:23:59.000 And I'm like, I just want to stay alive to see my son grow up. 0.99
01:24:03.000 But then you realize, like, how much of your life are you going to fucking piss away? 0.99
01:24:06.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:24:07.000 Doing shit you don't want to do. 1.00
01:24:09.000 Working in the fucking cubicle job you don't want to have. 1.00
01:24:12.000 You don't get many years. 1.00
01:24:13.000 You don't get many great years, right? 1.00
01:24:16.000 When does your body start to really take a shit? 0.99
01:24:18.000 Like 70? 1.00
01:24:20.000 When you're 70, you're fucking rough. 0.99
01:24:22.000 70 is a rough thing. 0.99
01:24:23.000 You have a lot of bad days, I would imagine.
01:24:26.000 I think one of the big keys, and this is very hard for people to imagine that don't enjoy exercise, is exercise is not an option.
01:24:34.000 It's a necessity.
01:24:36.000 It's a necessity for body maintenance.
01:24:38.000 So all these people that go, oh, I don't want to work out.
01:24:40.000 Oh, you know, I'd rather just eat whatever I want and live while I live and roll the dice and it'll be fine.
01:24:48.000 No, you don't just have a heart attack and die.
01:24:52.000 You slowly rot away and then your body gives out.
01:24:56.000 It's not a quick and easy process.
01:24:59.000 And the quality of your time is not the same.
01:25:04.000 The quality of your time with exercise is far superior than the quality of your time without exercise because you're more relaxed.
01:25:13.000 Your body functions better.
01:25:16.000 You're stronger.
01:25:17.000 You can do things.
01:25:18.000 You don't have to be helped in so many ways.
01:25:21.000 There's a lot of people that can't even open up a jar of pickles.
01:25:24.000 Their body is just not good.
01:25:26.000 It's not working good.
01:25:29.000 You don't want to be that person.
01:25:30.000 I'm not saying you should be a bodybuilder.
01:25:32.000 You should have a six-pack.
01:25:33.000 You don't have to do that.
01:25:34.000 But you should devote a certain amount of time per week for body maintenance.
01:25:38.000 And you'll feel better.
01:25:39.000 It'll give you better decision-making abilities.
01:25:41.000 You'll be calmer.
01:25:43.000 You'll be more removed from the stress of the everyday grind because your body is experiencing some stress, some workload.
01:25:51.000 And by doing that and putting out that energy, it frees you.
01:25:54.000 Oh, my gosh.
01:25:55.000 Can I just tell you that I've met so many people on the road...
01:25:59.000 Who come up to me and say, please tell Joe Rogan thank you because I lost 100 pounds because I've been listening to him.
01:26:05.000 I lost 50 pounds.
01:26:06.000 I started exercising because I've been listening to Joe.
01:26:09.000 So just know that people totally listen to you and totally have changed their lives.
01:26:14.000 It's a lot of responsibility. 0.98
01:26:17.000 But yeah, I don't fucking like Pilates. 0.99
01:26:19.000 I hate it. 0.98
01:26:20.000 But to anybody listening that hates it the way I do, then pay somebody. 0.99
01:26:24.000 Pay somebody who holds you accountable, and then you have to fucking show up, and they make you do it. 0.98
01:26:30.000 Just go. 0.99
01:26:31.000 Don't even pay somebody.
01:26:32.000 You know what?
01:26:33.000 And here's the thing with people who don't have any money.
01:26:35.000 If you can listen to this podcast, it means you have a computer, right?
01:26:38.000 Hopefully.
01:26:39.000 If you have a computer, or if you have a phone, if you have a regular iPhone or something like that, you can go on YouTube and you can play a yoga class.
01:26:48.000 There's a ton of them.
01:26:49.000 Oh, yeah.
01:26:50.000 You don't need to pay.
01:26:51.000 You're right.
01:26:51.000 You don't need to pay.
01:26:51.000 I mean, hot yoga, I think, is better because it's more strained in your body.
01:26:55.000 But guess what?
01:26:55.000 Regular yoga is fine.
01:26:57.000 It's fucking great for you. 0.98
01:26:58.000 Yeah, YouTube. 0.98
01:26:59.000 Yeah.
01:26:59.000 And also for bodyweight exercises.
01:27:02.000 I tell people that that want to know kettlebell exercises.
01:27:05.000 Like, yeah, if you can afford to have someone teach you how to do it correctly, that's good.
01:27:09.000 But you can learn everything you want to learn on YouTube.
01:27:13.000 That's not amazing.
01:27:14.000 It's incredible.
01:27:15.000 I unclogged our drain one time.
01:27:17.000 From YouTube?
01:27:18.000 From YouTube. 0.99
01:27:18.000 I was like, we didn't have any money, and the bathtub was full and fucked up, and I was like, I'm not going to pay some fucking guy to come here and just snake this thing, and then that's it. 0.99
01:27:27.000 And I learned how to do it. 0.99
01:27:27.000 I went down the hardware store, got the thing. 0.99
01:27:30.000 I got one of those once.
01:27:31.000 I got one of them power snakes.
01:27:32.000 Yeah.
01:27:33.000 I know what you're talking about.
01:27:34.000 Yeah, it's great. 0.99
01:27:36.000 Fucking snake the shit out of my... 0.99
01:27:38.000 I washed my dogs in the shower and it was just caked up with hair. 1.00
01:27:42.000 It was ridiculous.
01:27:43.000 I had just like hair pie.
01:27:45.000 I would pull it out of the drain, like these big wads.
01:27:49.000 Especially Brutus, my Shibu Inu English Bulldog mix.
01:27:54.000 He's got a lot of hair.
01:27:56.000 And when I would wash him in the shower, I would pull these hunks. 1.00
01:27:59.000 And Marshall's the worst, though.
01:28:01.000 The Golden's the worst.
01:28:02.000 He'd pull these giant chunks.
01:28:03.000 Yeah, like people's hair.
01:28:04.000 And it just clogged everything up.
01:28:06.000 So I just got one of them snakes and shoved it in there.
01:28:11.000 And it follows its way down and cleans it all out.
01:28:14.000 I know.
01:28:14.000 And then the water flushes.
01:28:17.000 Don't pump that Drano shit down there, though. 0.99
01:28:19.000 That eats away your pipes, right? 0.99
01:28:20.000 Yeah, that's not good.
01:28:21.000 You know what I was thinking? 0.95
01:28:22.000 I should have fucking become like a plumber or an electrician while I was doing stand-up in the beginning, like as a day job. 1.00
01:28:28.000 Because when some shit happens at your house and you got to call that asshole and they come out, they have all the power. 0.99
01:28:33.000 The guy who knows how to just fix your plumbing or your electricity, it's not a small job. 1.00
01:28:38.000 It's not easy.
01:28:38.000 I'm not saying that.
01:28:39.000 But the guy that knows how to do that has all the power in that situation.
01:28:43.000 And you're so vulnerable, you know, when your lights don't work or the thing and the hanging.
01:28:47.000 Oh, yeah.
01:28:48.000 You're like, oh, you have the knowledge or the power to do this.
01:28:50.000 Please help me.
01:28:51.000 So you think you should have become a plumber just to learn it so that you could do it for yourself or to do it as a job?
01:28:55.000 No, as a gig.
01:28:56.000 That should have been my daytime gig.
01:28:57.000 Yeah, but if you do that as a gig, like, that's not an easy gig to get.
01:29:00.000 It's not easy.
01:29:00.000 You have to have an apprenticeship.
01:29:02.000 You learn how to do it.
01:29:03.000 You get in a union.
01:29:04.000 Oh, yeah, there's a reunion? 1.00
01:29:05.000 There's a lot of shit. 1.00
01:29:05.000 Yeah, there's a lot of shit involved. 1.00
01:29:07.000 I don't know, then. 0.99
01:29:08.000 Yeah, and you know what?
01:29:09.000 It's such a good skill, though.
01:29:10.000 It is, but it's also super long hours.
01:29:12.000 Like, you're working hard.
01:29:14.000 Like, plumbers work, you know?
01:29:15.000 It's the long hours.
01:29:16.000 I was hoping I could make my own hours a bit more.
01:29:19.000 Well, and the good thing about something like that, though, is you would have your nights free.
01:29:22.000 That's what I'm talking about.
01:29:23.000 But you'd be so tired.
01:29:24.000 Yeah.
01:29:25.000 You need a lazy day job.
01:29:26.000 That's what I found for stand-up. 0.99
01:29:28.000 It was the best just to have, like, a 9-to-5 that I didn't give a shit about. 0.98
01:29:31.000 Didn't have to expend too much energy.
01:29:32.000 What was your 9-to-5 job when you first started making it?
01:29:36.000 When you first started working?
01:29:38.000 Well, the best job I ever had was at the Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles.
01:29:41.000 Really? 0.96
01:29:43.000 Fucking funnest job. 0.99
01:29:44.000 It was part time. 0.97
01:29:45.000 And I would like help the Girl Scout cookie drive sale.
01:29:49.000 I would answer phones.
01:29:50.000 And I was on Chelsea lately at the same time.
01:29:53.000 So I would go do the round table and then go work at the Girl Scouts like the next day.
01:29:57.000 That's crazy.
01:29:58.000 Yeah, it was fun.
01:29:59.000 It was fun though.
01:30:00.000 It was like an easy paycheck.
01:30:01.000 Did you hear they're gonna let girls in the Cub Scouts now?
01:30:05.000 Yes.
01:30:07.000 Now is it vice versa too?
01:30:08.000 The Cub Scouts are gonna join the Girl Scouts?
01:30:10.000 I don't think any boys are going to sign up for that.
01:30:13.000 Why?
01:30:13.000 How dare you?
01:30:14.000 How binary of you.
01:30:15.000 Yeah, I'm super binary.
01:30:19.000 I bought my son a...
01:30:21.000 Oh, we're so binary in our house.
01:30:23.000 We just bought my son a football book.
01:30:26.000 It's in the shape of a football and explains football to the boy.
01:30:29.000 You should do that and right next to it put a little dress and see which one he chooses. 1.00
01:30:33.000 I fucking tell you right now what he chooses. 0.99
01:30:35.000 It's so funny now that I have a son and I'm like, the kid likes dirt. 1.00
01:30:39.000 He's playing in the trash can right now.
01:30:42.000 Dinosaurs.
01:30:43.000 All that stuff.
01:30:44.000 Cars.
01:30:45.000 Dirt.
01:30:45.000 Just muck.
01:30:46.000 He's 100% heterosexual.
01:30:49.000 Well, he might not be.
01:30:50.000 He might be just like a super bear.
01:30:52.000 That'd be great.
01:30:53.000 A muscle bear.
01:30:54.000 I'd like that too.
01:30:55.000 A muscly bear character. 0.99
01:30:56.000 Because if he's Tommy's boy, he's going to be hairy as fuck. 1.00
01:30:59.000 Hairy, yeah. 1.00
01:30:59.000 He's going to be like a wolf. 1.00
01:31:00.000 Oh, he's so cute.
01:31:01.000 His back hair, armpit hair.
01:31:03.000 Imagine if he's a little baby and he starts growing back hair.
01:31:05.000 You're like, oh my god, you're a baby. 1.00
01:31:07.000 What the fuck? 1.00
01:31:09.000 Jamie, I want you to Google babies with back hair. 1.00
01:31:12.000 There's got to be some Iranian wrestler baby. 1.00
01:31:18.000 Iranian. 0.99
01:31:19.000 Some Russian manly little baby with fucking thick back hair. 1.00
01:31:23.000 That's hilarious, dude. 1.00
01:31:24.000 Like, what is the youngest ever child that had back hair?
01:31:27.000 Okay, there's got to be some weird genetic thing like hirsutism.
01:31:31.000 Oh, look at this.
01:31:31.000 Yeah, there you go.
01:31:32.000 Okay, there you go. 1.00
01:31:33.000 That's a hairy fucking baby. 1.00
01:31:35.000 Jesus Christ, is that baby's ass ever clean? 1.00
01:31:37.000 That's the hairiest baby ass ever. 1.00
01:31:40.000 Ugh. 1.00
01:31:41.000 That's incredible.
01:31:43.000 That kid's got no shot.
01:31:44.000 That kid's literally gonna look like a werewolf. 1.00
01:31:46.000 Okay, look at that hairy fucking baby. 1.00
01:31:49.000 That's insane. 1.00
01:31:50.000 That baby's entire back is covered in hair. 0.99
01:31:53.000 That kid's gonna be a savage.
01:31:55.000 I bet he's built like Wolverine. 1.00
01:31:57.000 He's probably like seven now and just jacked, big traps and shit. 0.99
01:32:01.000 Giant shoulders covered with fur. 0.99
01:32:06.000 Look at that.
01:32:07.000 Yeah, we took my son to some hippie classes, you know, and they teach, whatever. 0.99
01:32:12.000 They say shit like, we're stimulating his frontal lobe right now. 0.98
01:32:16.000 I'm like, nah or not. 1.00
01:32:16.000 I bet you don't even know what the fuck you're doing. 1.00
01:32:18.000 He's playing with, right, he's bouncing balls. 1.00
01:32:21.000 It's called bouncing the fucking ball. 0.99
01:32:23.000 And then she brings out a box of dolls. 0.99
01:32:25.000 And there's girls and boys in the class. 1.00
01:32:27.000 And my son is like, I ain't interested in that shit. 0.99
01:32:29.000 Like, he just totally doesn't want it. 0.99
01:32:31.000 And then she tells me, you know, we should teach him to like dolls, too, and also be sensitive.
01:32:38.000 I'm like, don't worry about it. 0.99
01:32:39.000 Shut up, ho. 1.00
01:32:40.000 Yeah, first of all. 1.00
01:32:41.000 My kid's not interested.
01:32:42.000 I'm not going to force him to play.
01:32:44.000 Secondly, he knows how to be gentle.
01:32:46.000 We have dogs in the house.
01:32:47.000 He learns to be... 1.00
01:32:48.000 He's not a stupid idiot kid. 1.00
01:32:51.000 But the forcing of it, I was like, all right, whatever. 1.00
01:32:54.000 Isn't that weird that someone...
01:32:56.000 First of all, the idea that you would know what a child should play with.
01:33:02.000 And you, this person who doesn't even know the kid, and does she have babies of her own?
01:33:07.000 I don't know.
01:33:08.000 I don't know.
01:33:09.000 You probably should know that too.
01:33:10.000 Yeah. 0.98
01:33:11.000 So this is like theoretical shit that she's trying to apply to a living human in some sort of experimental way and teaching it as dogma. 0.99
01:33:20.000 Yes, I know. 1.00
01:33:22.000 And it's always the bitches that don't have kids. 1.00
01:33:24.000 Right, it's always some weird fucking macrame bitches. 1.00
01:33:29.000 They smell like patchouli and fucking incense and they drive Priuses. 1.00
01:33:34.000 It's so crazy. 1.00
01:33:35.000 Too many bumper stickers.
01:33:36.000 Oh, that's cute.
01:33:37.000 They're choking those babies. 1.00
01:33:38.000 It's a baby spa in Australia.
01:33:40.000 Those babies get massages and stuff. 1.00
01:33:42.000 Oh, that's kind of cool.
01:33:43.000 That kid's smiling.
01:33:44.000 You know what's really creepy?
01:33:45.000 Baby chiropractors.
01:33:47.000 No.
01:33:47.000 There's a thing?
01:33:48.000 Yeah, they take their babies to chiropractors and the chiropractors adjust them.
01:33:51.000 It's like, yeah, crack their necks.
01:33:53.000 Newborn babies.
01:33:54.000 Not enough money in the world. 1.00
01:33:55.000 Out of their fucking mind. 1.00
01:33:58.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:33:59.000 I would never do it. 0.99
01:34:01.000 It's fucking sick. 1.00
01:34:02.000 How do you even find a school for your kid? 1.00
01:34:04.000 Chiropractic for your little one. 1.00
01:34:05.000 No, get the fuck out of here. 0.97
01:34:06.000 It can help with colic, earaches, reflux, asthma, allergies, sleep problems, ADHD, and bedwetting. 0.99
01:34:14.000 Bedwetting!
01:34:14.000 And it makes them psychic.
01:34:16.000 They can see the future.
01:34:18.000 They read your mind. 1.00
01:34:19.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:34:20.000 It doesn't do any of those things, you fucking assholes. 1.00
01:34:23.000 Of course not. 1.00
01:34:23.000 You baby-cracking cunts. 1.00
01:34:25.000 That is one of the creepiest fucking things. 1.00
01:34:29.000 And this is the other thing. 1.00
01:34:30.000 To have the best possible start, everything is marketed that if you don't do this for your child, they're going to be developmentally behind every other asshole. 0.99
01:34:37.000 Well, I have to tell you, I've known the human race now for 41 years. 0.99
01:34:41.000 I'm not fucking impressed. 1.00
01:34:42.000 And I'm not worried that my kid is behind all these assholes. 0.99
01:34:46.000 Because Most people aren't really doing much anyway, so I'm not so worried about getting ahead. 0.99
01:34:51.000 He's fine.
01:34:51.000 By cracking his neck.
01:34:53.000 Yeah, he needs his fucking neck cracked. 1.00
01:34:54.000 Zero evidence that does anything, by the way. 1.00
01:34:56.000 Zero.
01:34:57.000 I don't know about it either.
01:34:58.000 I do know about it, unfortunately.
01:35:00.000 Yeah, I went into it.
01:35:01.000 I had a lady on who has written articles about it.
01:35:03.000 It was all invented by a guy who was a magnetic healer in the 1800s.
01:35:07.000 It's one of those things that's grandfathered in that we like to think of as being a legit source of medicine.
01:35:12.000 They call themselves doctors.
01:35:13.000 They don't go to medical school.
01:35:15.000 There's no medical school.
01:35:16.000 It's like leeching or something.
01:35:17.000 They put leeches on you. 0.99
01:35:18.000 Not that bad.
01:35:19.000 Well, it's just, leeches might actually have a medical benefit.
01:35:22.000 Yeah.
01:35:22.000 But the only thing that seems to help is adjusting lower back for some people, alleviate some pain.
01:35:28.000 But the problem is there's like some psychosomatic shit going on with people. 0.97
01:35:31.000 There's like some, you know, placebo effect. 0.99
01:35:34.000 Like, does that feel better?
01:35:35.000 Yeah, it kind of does.
01:35:36.000 Oh, wow.
01:35:36.000 Yeah, it kind of does.
01:35:37.000 Yeah.
01:35:37.000 You're looking forward to feel better.
01:35:39.000 Just being touched feels better.
01:35:40.000 Getting a massage feels better. 0.99
01:35:42.000 If you go to an orthopedic surgeon, you have a tear in your knee, they replace your ACL, that's fucking real. 0.98
01:35:51.000 They really fixed you. 0.85
01:35:53.000 If someone just takes you and goes, okay, relax, relax.
01:35:55.000 I want you to think about your chakra.
01:36:02.000 You didn't get anything!
01:36:03.000 And it's terrifying.
01:36:06.000 It's terrifying to have somebody do that to you.
01:36:08.000 I don't like it.
01:36:09.000 You know, a girl died last year, some Playboy Playmate character. 0.80
01:36:12.000 She got adjusted and she developed some sort of a blood clot and died.
01:36:15.000 Cool.
01:36:16.000 Good.
01:36:17.000 I talked about that.
01:36:27.000 Yeah.
01:36:39.000 She had a medical issue?
01:36:40.000 What medical issue?
01:36:41.000 Yeah.
01:36:41.000 She doesn't like getting her neck strangled?
01:36:44.000 Like, what is going on?
01:36:45.000 Did she bleed easy? 1.00
01:36:47.000 Was she hemophiliac?
01:36:48.000 Like, what's causing...
01:36:49.000 Why are you doing that?
01:36:50.000 There's no evidence that that works.
01:36:52.000 It doesn't do anything.
01:36:52.000 I don't know.
01:36:53.000 I don't know shit about it. 0.97
01:36:54.000 I don't trust it, though. 0.99
01:36:55.000 I don't let anybody fucking crack me. 0.97
01:36:57.000 It's crazy how prominent it is. 0.98
01:36:59.000 It's everywhere.
01:37:00.000 We had a girl tell us when our son was eight weeks old and he was crying around five o'clock every night.
01:37:06.000 It was his witching hour.
01:37:08.000 Newborns often have a time of day.
01:37:10.000 They get cranky.
01:37:12.000 This is our nanny at the time.
01:37:14.000 She goes, you know, I sense his energy is off.
01:37:17.000 It might be because he's sensing your anxiety.
01:37:21.000 Well, I have a friend that does Reiki, and she normally charges $100 an hour, but she'll charge you $50 because he's so small.
01:37:30.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
01:37:32.000 That's when they do this, like, body thing.
01:37:34.000 They go near you, the energy with the hands.
01:37:36.000 It's infuriating.
01:37:37.000 Have you ever had somebody do Reiki? 1.00
01:37:38.000 You will want to blow your fucking brains out. 1.00
01:37:40.000 I had a lady do it to me, and I don't know what it does, but they hover over you, right? 1.00
01:37:45.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:37:45.000 Over your chakra, whatever the fuck that is. 0.99
01:37:48.000 And the whole time I'm like, I'm so angry that this person's doing... 0.96
01:37:52.000 Yeah, like, what are you doing?
01:37:53.000 Why'd you let her do it? 1.00
01:37:53.000 Stop it, touch me. 1.00
01:37:54.000 Why'd you let her do it? 1.00
01:37:55.000 Because I wanted to try it.
01:37:56.000 Because I had heard about it, and I was like, well, is it like a massage?
01:38:00.000 I didn't really know enough.
01:38:02.000 Right.
01:38:02.000 And it's not a massage.
01:38:04.000 It's nothing.
01:38:04.000 Oh, is she doing it right here?
01:38:05.000 Oh, Jesus Christ!
01:38:07.000 Reiki treatment session. 0.99
01:38:09.000 Please give me some volume so I can understand how she's healing her vagina. 1.00
01:38:12.000 She's hovering over her pussy. 1.00
01:38:13.000 She's like, this area is hot. 1.00
01:38:16.000 I'm sensing warmth. 0.59
01:38:18.000 You might have syphilis. 0.98
01:38:19.000 Go to a doctor. 0.73
01:38:21.000 What's up with your socks?
01:38:23.000 That's a woman who's giving up on life with those socks. 1.00
01:38:25.000 Yes, she's... 0.99
01:38:26.000 Shutting it down.
01:38:27.000 Oh, hold on.
01:38:28.000 Shockless? 1.00
01:38:31.000 Oh, fuck off. 1.00
01:38:32.000 Oh, starting at the third eye. 1.00
01:38:32.000 Look at her. 1.00
01:38:33.000 She's super healthy.
01:38:35.000 Uh-huh. 1.00
01:38:40.000 You're not near her eyes, you crazy bitch. 1.00
01:38:42.000 No. 1.00
01:38:43.000 It's her third eye, Joe.
01:38:45.000 I'm sorry.
01:38:47.000 That's why it's infuriating.
01:38:51.000 It lasts forever.
01:38:57.000 Super healthy.
01:38:59.000 Look at how she's got a chart on the wall, so it's got to be legit. 0.99
01:39:03.000 The fucking chart legitimizes it. 0.99
01:39:05.000 I know. 1.00
01:39:05.000 It's drawn like a 1960s kung fu diagram. 1.00
01:39:09.000 This is where the death touch is. 1.00
01:39:11.000 My stupid chart. 1.00
01:39:12.000 I had a lady corner me at the Comedy Store and tell me that she's a Reiki healer and she made me put my hand out and I go, what are you gonna do? 1.00
01:39:21.000 She's like, I'm just gonna just so you can feel it and I go, what am I feeling?
01:39:26.000 She goes, just put your hand out and just empty your mind.
01:39:28.000 I go, okay.
01:39:30.000 Done.
01:39:30.000 I put my hand out and she just hovers her hand over.
01:39:33.000 I go, what are you doing?
01:39:34.000 And she's like, you're not open.
01:39:36.000 This is not going to work if you're not open.
01:39:37.000 I'm like, oh, it's not going to work then because you're just hovering your hand over me.
01:39:40.000 She's like, I'm a Reiki healer. 1.00
01:39:42.000 I'm like, bitch, you're crazy. 1.00
01:39:43.000 You're out of your fucking mind. 1.00
01:39:44.000 No, she's a shyster. 1.00
01:39:46.000 These are hucksters.
01:39:47.000 Yeah.
01:39:47.000 I think they believe.
01:39:48.000 I don't know if they believe.
01:39:49.000 Some of them, well, I don't want to generalize them into one giant group, but some of them must believe they're doing something.
01:39:55.000 Well, I think you have to believe it's working, too.
01:39:58.000 It's a placebo effect.
01:39:59.000 Yes, exactly.
01:40:00.000 I mean, look, I've been hypnotized to stop smoking cigarettes, and it's been 11 years.
01:40:05.000 That's different.
01:40:05.000 That's different.
01:40:05.000 But you don't believe that you have to be open to it?
01:40:07.000 Hypnosis is legit.
01:40:07.000 Yeah, but hypnosis is legit.
01:40:09.000 And I think that's what stand-up is.
01:40:15.000 I think when you're killing, like, say if I watch you, if you're on stage and you're killing and I'm sitting in the back of the room, I'm letting you think for me.
01:40:22.000 I'm like caught in your trance, right?
01:40:24.000 You're like, I'm not...
01:40:27.000 I'm not thinking, I don't know if I agree with her.
01:40:29.000 Eh, maybe she's wrong.
01:40:31.000 Eh, I don't like her dress.
01:40:32.000 I'm sitting there and I'm allowing, if you're killing and I'm locked into you and I'm really enjoying the show, I'm allowing you to think for me.
01:40:40.000 And I'm falling into this trance in sort of a way.
01:40:43.000 And when you're making me laugh, then I have confidence in your thought process.
01:40:49.000 That I'll let you take the reins, and I'll just sit back and have a good time.
01:40:53.000 I think there's something to that because I was hypnotized for the first time last year by a friend of mine.
01:40:59.000 His name is Vinny Shorman, and he does a lot of work.
01:41:01.000 He's a hypnotist, but he also does a lot of work with fighters.
01:41:04.000 And he puts them in this state, and you're entirely conscious while this is happening.
01:41:09.000 But he puts you in this very, very relaxed state, and you go over things that you would like to work on or go over things if you want. 1.00
01:41:17.000 I love that shit. 0.99
01:41:19.000 Go over things that are bothering you about the past. 1.00
01:41:21.000 But what it is is about putting you in a state of mind where you can just relax and think and not be overwhelmed by extraneous information or things outside of your control.
01:41:32.000 That's real.
01:41:34.000 That's like as real as meditation. 1.00
01:41:36.000 But this shit? 1.00
01:41:37.000 I'm gonna hover over your vagina and pretend I'm cooking. 1.00
01:41:42.000 Here I am. 1.00
01:41:42.000 To feel the energy. 1.00
01:41:43.000 You're not open, Joe.
01:41:44.000 You're just not open to it.
01:41:46.000 If my hand was a marshmallow, right now I'd flip it. 1.00
01:41:49.000 Because I'm roasting over your pussy. 1.00
01:41:54.000 She covered her everything. 1.00
01:41:56.000 When she got to the vagina, she stayed there for a long time. 1.00
01:41:59.000 She was like, this is the area of your troubles. 0.98
01:42:02.000 This is where it all stems. 1.00
01:42:05.000 Your pussy heat. 1.00
01:42:06.000 My hands are sweaty. 1.00
01:42:09.000 Smell them. 1.00
01:42:12.000 That's so stupid. 1.00
01:42:14.000 But people always want to fight. 1.00
01:42:16.000 Like, there's something wrong with me.
01:42:17.000 I have anxiety.
01:42:18.000 I'm living in traffic.
01:42:19.000 I don't like my life.
01:42:21.000 Someone fix me.
01:42:22.000 Fix it. 0.99
01:42:22.000 Oh, I'm going to put needles in your head and all over the place. 0.99
01:42:25.000 That's a bunch of dog shit, too. 1.00
01:42:26.000 Open up your chakras. 1.00
01:42:27.000 Have you done acupuncture?
01:42:29.000 Only once.
01:42:30.000 Well, once, too, and I hated it.
01:42:31.000 I was so angry the whole time.
01:42:34.000 It hurts. 0.99
01:42:35.000 It fucking hoits. 0.99
01:42:35.000 Did it hurt? 0.99
01:42:36.000 For me, it did.
01:42:37.000 Maybe she was doing it wrong.
01:42:39.000 Yeah. 0.92
01:42:39.000 I was having migraines like 10 years ago, but it's because I was on this birth control pill that was fucking with me. 0.92
01:42:45.000 Oh, no, no, no.
01:42:45.000 It's because you didn't get the needles.
01:42:47.000 You know what?
01:42:47.000 I wasn't open enough to the needles.
01:42:49.000 You weren't open to Reiki.
01:42:50.000 Oh, I gotta get it.
01:42:51.000 Maybe if you just Reiki'd a fist right in there. 0.91
01:42:54.000 What? 1.00
01:42:57.000 Now, go ahead and make a fist and put it in your own ass. 1.00
01:43:01.000 Feel the energy. 1.00
01:43:02.000 Oh, no.
01:43:05.000 Massage your inner colon.
01:43:09.000 I only did it once and the guy was a chiropractor too. 1.00
01:43:13.000 So he had double bullshit going on. 0.97
01:43:15.000 He adjusted my neck and then he stuck needles in my head and he was trying to fix my shoulder. 0.98
01:43:21.000 How'd that go?
01:43:21.000 It didn't work.
01:43:22.000 It turned out it was just a slight little muscle pull that I needed to get over.
01:43:26.000 Now what do you think about psychics and mediums? 0.95
01:43:30.000 Bullshit artists.
01:43:31.000 Yeah, yeah, I think I go with I think it is entirely possible that we sense things that we don't have an understanding of like Sometimes you feel something weird like I was thinking about a friend of mine Yesterday and I hadn't talked to him in a while and he emailed me out of the blue, 0.96
01:43:48.000 right?
01:43:49.000 I don't know if that's coincidence, right?
01:43:51.000 I don't know what that is, but the odds of it happening I You've got to think of how many times do you think about your friend and they don't email you.
01:44:00.000 Right.
01:44:00.000 Right?
01:44:01.000 Like, why is it when you think about them and they do?
01:44:05.000 Is it just coincidence?
01:44:06.000 I don't know.
01:44:07.000 But I think there are times where you sense things that you don't have a sense for.
01:44:12.000 Like, there's a feeling that you get where you don't understand.
01:44:16.000 And I think we sense things about each other.
01:44:19.000 And maybe there are social cues that we're picking up on.
01:44:22.000 Maybe people give off pheromones when they're upset.
01:44:25.000 Maybe those trigger you because we're, like, sort of designed to avoid confrontation in certain individuals.
01:44:31.000 But I think this idea that they can look at you and, like, your family is from...
01:44:37.000 I sense a farm.
01:44:39.000 Is there a farm?
01:44:40.000 Is there a farm in your past?
01:44:41.000 No.
01:44:42.000 Plants?
01:44:42.000 Selling plants?
01:44:43.000 Yeah, I had plants.
01:44:44.000 No, what it is is a potted plant.
01:44:46.000 Sit by those...
01:44:46.000 Yes!
01:44:47.000 Yes, yes.
01:44:48.000 There was a potted plant.
01:44:49.000 And you were close to a woman...
01:44:52.000 Yes.
01:44:52.000 Who would that be?
01:44:54.000 My mother.
01:44:54.000 My mother was a woman.
01:44:55.000 Your mother.
01:44:55.000 Yes.
01:44:56.000 Yes.
01:44:57.000 I see your mother.
01:44:59.000 I'm trying to picture out her name.
01:45:01.000 Is there an A in her name?
01:45:02.000 Yeah.
01:45:03.000 Magdalene.
01:45:04.000 Yes.
01:45:05.000 Yes.
01:45:05.000 Very good.
01:45:06.000 Dude, I went to see this lady. 1.00
01:45:08.000 She knew everything about my mom. 1.00
01:45:09.000 A friend of mine went to a chiropractor, not a chiropractor, a psychic, same shit. 1.00
01:45:15.000 Same shit, different toilet. 1.00
01:45:17.000 He went, dude, the chiropractor knew all about my grandmother. 1.00
01:45:19.000 I go, yeah.
01:45:20.000 Don't you know about your grandmother?
01:45:23.000 You know about your grandmother, right? 1.00
01:45:24.000 So your chiropractor's telling you shit you already know? 1.00
01:45:26.000 Or your psychic, rather? 1.00
01:45:28.000 I keep killing the chiropractor.
01:45:29.000 I know, I was like... 0.99
01:45:30.000 Reiki healer knows shit about things that you already know. 1.00
01:45:33.000 So they're telling you things you already know. 0.95
01:45:35.000 Like, they're not psychic.
01:45:36.000 Right, right, right.
01:45:36.000 They're manipulating you.
01:45:37.000 They're pulling questions out of you.
01:45:38.000 They're getting answers.
01:45:39.000 They're giving you leading questions.
01:45:41.000 You're answering them in a very naive way.
01:45:43.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:45:44.000 And you're giving them the information because they're fucking con artists. 1.00
01:45:46.000 Tell this asshole to tell you what your future is. 1.00
01:45:49.000 Tell them to tell you what the lottery number is. 1.00
01:45:51.000 How come they never picked the lottery, these fucks? 0.99
01:45:53.000 That's right. 0.99
01:45:54.000 And Houdini had this thing where, didn't he work it out with his wife or something?
01:45:59.000 There was a code word so that when he died, he would go from beyond, have the word that they would know, and it never happened.
01:46:06.000 Maybe he didn't like her. 1.00
01:46:07.000 Fuck that bitch. 1.00
01:46:08.000 I'm out of here. 1.00
01:46:10.000 I go by Penn and Teller.
01:46:11.000 I'm friends with Penn.
01:46:13.000 Love him. 0.99
01:46:14.000 He just tells me it's 100% horseshit. 0.98
01:46:17.000 Like 100% flat out. 0.97
01:46:20.000 You know they have that James Randi challenge.
01:46:22.000 You know that guy's offered a million dollars to anyone that can prove actual psychic powers.
01:46:27.000 No one's taking him up on it.
01:46:28.000 No one's ever...
01:46:29.000 James Randi.
01:46:30.000 It's the James Randi challenge.
01:46:32.000 Not even the...
01:46:33.000 The Long Island medium?
01:46:35.000 Yeah! 1.00
01:46:37.000 I think she might be a bullshit artist. 1.00
01:46:40.000 One time, I think I got hosed. 1.00
01:46:41.000 I did a show, a podcast, and the lady was... 1.00
01:46:44.000 She was good.
01:46:45.000 I think what it is is people can read your unconscious.
01:46:48.000 It's one unconscious mind reading another unconscious mind, I imagine.
01:46:51.000 I feel like your father was an artist.
01:46:54.000 Am I right?
01:46:55.000 Yes.
01:46:56.000 But that's the thing.
01:46:57.000 They're telling you things that you already know. 0.99
01:46:59.000 That's what drives me fucking crazy. 0.90
01:47:01.000 Affirming what's already a belief or whatever in you versus new information. 0.98
01:47:05.000 What do you think about astrologers? 1.00
01:47:06.000 Ah, that's fucking stupid. 1.00
01:47:08.000 Bullshit, right? 1.00
01:47:08.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:47:09.000 Bullshit! 1.00
01:47:10.000 Can I tell you something? 1.00
01:47:11.000 Whenever I meet a girl, and she's like, what's your sign?
01:47:14.000 And I'm like, Gemini.
01:47:15.000 She's like, I knew it!
01:47:16.000 You're such a Gemini.
01:47:18.000 What's your husband?
01:47:18.000 And I'm like, don't, please don't.
01:47:20.000 Like, I can't pretend like I, I can't, I can't subscribe to, it's fucking bullshit. 1.00
01:47:25.000 You're such a Scorpio. 1.00
01:47:26.000 God, how can you not believe you're such a Scorpio?
01:47:31.000 That's just not... 0.97
01:47:32.000 It's silly.
01:47:33.000 But you can find traits in people and all sorts of people that match all sorts of different...
01:47:38.000 Like, I could be a Virgo.
01:47:39.000 I could be a Taurus.
01:47:41.000 Yeah.
01:47:41.000 Oh, you're so stubborn.
01:47:42.000 You've got to be a Taurus.
01:47:43.000 You're such a Pisces that way.
01:47:44.000 You're such a Leo.
01:47:46.000 How could you not believe you're such a Leo?
01:47:48.000 Yeah, because I could read any horoscope and it would probably apply.
01:47:53.000 What I really wonder about... 0.99
01:47:55.000 Well, those are bullshit. 0.98
01:47:56.000 The real horoscope thing, when you talk to the people that are super into it, they literally want to know what time of the day you were born, what part of the world you were born. 0.99
01:48:08.000 Right.
01:48:09.000 And then they're like, well, you're a Gemini with a cancer rising, and you're part cut. 0.71
01:48:14.000 Stop. 1.00
01:48:14.000 It makes my asshole pucker. 1.00
01:48:16.000 Like, even hearing it, it's like a million alarm bells are like, dum-dum, dum-dum, I can't, I can't, I can't. 1.00
01:48:23.000 Yeah, Stanhope used to have a funny bit about it.
01:48:25.000 I forget how it goes. 0.89
01:48:26.000 We have a funny bit about how ridiculous it is. 0.87
01:48:28.000 It's just... 1.00
01:48:29.000 It's horseshit. 0.99
01:48:31.000 It's fun, but it's silliness. 0.99
01:48:32.000 Well, we're searching...
01:48:33.000 People are always searching for meaning.
01:48:35.000 We're always searching for someone who knows something that we don't.
01:48:38.000 Hidden knowledge.
01:48:38.000 The secrets to the universe.
01:48:40.000 Because there's so much uncertainty that leaves open this possibility that someone has like, I have been gifted.
01:48:45.000 I have a gift.
01:48:46.000 And you're like, yes, great.
01:48:47.000 Tell me everything.
01:48:48.000 I went to a psychic once.
01:48:50.000 I went to an audition in New York, and I was just like, what am I doing with my life?
01:48:55.000 Walking to the train station, I'm like, I want to go to a psychic.
01:48:57.000 So I went to the psychic, and she's like, you have a brother.
01:49:01.000 I go, no, I don't.
01:49:04.000 A psychic brother.
01:49:05.000 I feel like maybe you have a brother you don't know about.
01:49:07.000 No.
01:49:08.000 No.
01:49:08.000 My mom had me when she was 20. I have a sister.
01:49:11.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:49:12.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:49:13.000 She made up a bunch of stupid shit. 1.00
01:49:14.000 She was talking about, you're not sure what you want to do with your life. 1.00
01:49:19.000 I go, no, I know exactly what I want to do.
01:49:21.000 Yeah.
01:49:22.000 Like, what?
01:49:23.000 This is terrible.
01:49:24.000 You don't know what you're doing.
01:49:25.000 I had a lady just tell me, right before I shot my special, a psychic, she goes, I go, what do you see in my future?
01:49:31.000 And I knew that the special was coming and she didn't even know what I did for a living and she goes, I see you as like an interior designer.
01:49:41.000 She's just guessing.
01:49:42.000 Yeah.
01:49:42.000 She goes, you have a real flair for style.
01:49:44.000 I go, I certainly do not.
01:49:45.000 This is the last thing I'm good at. 1.00
01:49:47.000 I'm wearing two different colored socks, bitch. 1.00
01:49:48.000 Yeah, look at me. 1.00
01:49:49.000 I'm an animal.
01:49:50.000 Like, I don't know what I'm doing. 1.00
01:49:52.000 You're a crazy lady. 1.00
01:49:53.000 Why did you go see her? 1.00
01:49:54.000 Because it was a podcast.
01:49:56.000 It was a friend's podcast where they have mediums on.
01:49:58.000 And I thought, it'll be silly.
01:50:00.000 It'll be fun.
01:50:01.000 And, you know, I got suckered in that day, I think.
01:50:05.000 I did.
01:50:05.000 I really did.
01:50:06.000 You know, if I'm being honest, because my mother died two years ago, so I was kind of like...
01:50:10.000 And now that I'm looking back, she did totally lead me down. 0.80
01:50:15.000 Well, your mother was kind of nutty, though. 1.00
01:50:16.000 My mother was mentally ill, yeah. 1.00
01:50:18.000 Like, legit. 0.99
01:50:19.000 Like, she was a borderline personality disorder and then had schizophrenia, too. 1.00
01:50:23.000 So it was fucking wackadoodles. 0.98
01:50:26.000 Do you have to do, like, self-audits? 0.99
01:50:28.000 You mean aggressive therapy for the last decade? 1.00
01:50:31.000 Check yourself before you wreck yourself type shit. 1.00
01:50:33.000 Do you look into your own brain and go, am I wacky? 1.00
01:50:35.000 24-7, yeah.
01:50:37.000 Well, not 24-7 anymore, but because I grew up alone with my mom, my parents split, and then I was raised by a crazy person, and so I've had to like...
01:50:47.000 Re-learn how to think and what's what's the right way to do stuff and I like I said I've been in therapy for a decade So I've had to learn you know like I just had to relearn and it's totally you totally can You know that's the thing like I and I that's why I talk I don't talk about it to be like oh poor me I had this thing but Just didn't let people know if you did grow up kind of wacky you can fucking fix your brain You can reorient you can you can change how you think you don't have to stay sick.
01:51:12.000 Yeah How often do you go to therapy? 0.93
01:51:15.000 Every week, dude.
01:51:15.000 And if I don't, I feel it.
01:51:18.000 I have a whole regimen.
01:51:20.000 It's the exercise, it's the therapy, it's eating right, it's sleeping.
01:51:25.000 You gotta do it all.
01:51:26.000 Otherwise, I get out of whack.
01:51:29.000 And what do you get out of the therapy?
01:51:31.000 So I believe in psychotherapy like getting back Freudian.
01:51:36.000 I like to go back to the initial wound to the root cause.
01:51:39.000 I like to go back look because what happens is you get wounded way back when right the childhood trauma the thing and then you grow up and it gets triggered by whatever stuff happens as an adult except now you're all fired up and you're all angry and you're so overreactive and you don't know why well it's probably not because what happened today it's what happened back here. 0.77
01:51:58.000 So if you resolve the shit back here, then what happens today becomes a lot clearer.
01:52:02.000 And it works for me. 0.99
01:52:03.000 Yeah, well that makes sense, right?
01:52:04.000 Don't think about what's going on right now.
01:52:06.000 Think about why you feel weird about what's going on right now.
01:52:08.000 Did my husband really just look at me funny and that's why I'm so furious about this little thing?
01:52:15.000 Or is this something that's mommy, daddy way back here?
01:52:19.000 Yeah.
01:52:19.000 Because I think a lot of us live from the past.
01:52:22.000 You live from the past wound.
01:52:23.000 You make all your decisions based on that programming. 0.99
01:52:27.000 So if your fucking wires are crossed, you're going to make bad decisions over and over and over. 0.99
01:52:31.000 Yeah, and I would imagine that any time spent thinking about... 1.00
01:52:35.000 Your behavior, thinking about the way you think, just examining your own mind.
01:52:41.000 As long as you're really doing it justice, so many people don't ever think about the way they think.
01:52:47.000 They're just caught up in the whirlwind of life, the momentum of their own existence.
01:52:52.000 And the next thing you know, they're miserable and 50. Like, what am I doing?
01:52:56.000 Where am I? Where am I? Right.
01:52:59.000 Or it's the divorce and then the remarriage to someone who's...
01:53:03.000 This is going to be better.
01:53:04.000 He's going to fix it.
01:53:05.000 He's going to fix it.
01:53:06.000 He's my soulmate.
01:53:08.000 I'm going to have an affair.
01:53:09.000 I'm going to do that. 0.91
01:53:10.000 I'm going to act out here.
01:53:11.000 How's that going to work for you?
01:53:13.000 Exciting.
01:53:13.000 Or I'm going to start doing drugs, alcohol, overeating, whatever, gambling, compulsive.
01:53:20.000 That'll clear up this stuff, right?
01:53:22.000 The gambling one is the weirdest one to me.
01:53:24.000 I've known so many people that are compulsive gamblers and I see the itch in them to get that itch.
01:53:29.000 I'm so scared of gambling.
01:53:32.000 You go to Vegas?
01:53:34.000 I don't.
01:53:35.000 I don't like it.
01:53:36.000 It's not for me.
01:53:37.000 Do you work there?
01:53:38.000 I have, yeah.
01:53:39.000 I work there a lot.
01:53:41.000 I work there like three or four times a year for the UFC. And I now spend zero time in casinos.
01:53:50.000 But I used to spend time in casinos because I would stay in a casino and then I would work in a casino.
01:53:55.000 But now I just stay outside of the casino.
01:53:58.000 I don't enjoy being around that energy.
01:54:01.000 I agree.
01:54:02.000 There's this frantic gambler energy where you see these people, you walk by the card tables and they're just looking and they're like, whoa, you're like watching people in an opium den.
01:54:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yes.
01:54:11.000 Yeah, it's depravity, it's low energy, low frequency, the light is synthetic, the air is synthetic, the time stops, I don't like that. 0.97
01:54:20.000 And you know what I figured out too is that everyone's got the shit, the addictions, the gambling, the compulsive behaviors, because we're afraid to feel the feeling. 0.98
01:54:28.000 You're just afraid of the feeling, the bad feeling. 0.99
01:54:31.000 Well, I think it's that, but I think it's also there is a reward to winning, and you're chasing this reward constantly.
01:54:37.000 I don't necessarily know if it's a...
01:54:39.000 Being afraid of the feeling as much as being addicted to the reward.
01:54:42.000 I was reading this article that the guy who created likes on Facebook was saying that not only does he not use Facebook now, that he's got a thing set up on his computer where he can't go to Reddit, and his phone is set up where he can't download apps.
01:54:57.000 Like he doesn't like he's like that whole like thing where you go to check to see how many likes you got on a Facebook post you made or something like that like that reward system is like entirely it's addictive and it triggers this this thing in people and that it can hijack your mind I mean that was like literally like the title of the article is that like this technology can hijack your mind Without question.
01:55:21.000 At the reward system, right?
01:55:22.000 Like little rats. 0.88
01:55:23.000 Ding, ding, ding. 0.93
01:55:24.000 I got the cheese.
01:55:25.000 I got the cheese.
01:55:25.000 Like to see those people in front of the slots.
01:55:27.000 Yeah.
01:55:29.000 Yeah, feels good.
01:55:30.000 Just droned out.
01:55:32.000 But then when you're in the reward system, you're not thinking about the stuff that's bothering you, right?
01:55:37.000 Yeah.
01:55:37.000 Everything's great.
01:55:39.000 Likes?
01:55:39.000 Love me, daddy.
01:55:40.000 Good, good, good.
01:55:41.000 I have to think about that.
01:55:42.000 Gambling is a weird one, man.
01:55:44.000 Yeah, I don't understand it because you're really self-sabotaging.
01:55:47.000 You know who gambles up a storm?
01:55:48.000 Who?
01:55:49.000 Dice.
01:55:49.000 Really?
01:55:50.000 Oh yes, I've heard this, yes. 1.00
01:55:52.000 He's a maniac. 0.99
01:55:53.000 Yes. 0.98
01:55:53.000 Hundreds of thousands of dollars a night. 0.98
01:55:56.000 What?
01:55:56.000 Yes.
01:55:57.000 Maniac.
01:55:58.000 That I did not know.
01:55:59.000 Savage.
01:56:00.000 Wow. 0.96
01:56:00.000 Yeah, savage gambler. 0.96
01:56:02.000 Now, what do you think, what's the motive there? 1.00
01:56:04.000 He's mentally ill. 1.00
01:56:05.000 Oh! 1.00
01:56:07.000 Big fat fucking ass! 1.00
01:56:10.000 I loved him. 1.00
01:56:11.000 He loves it.
01:56:12.000 I loved him, by the way, as a child.
01:56:13.000 Oh, I did too.
01:56:14.000 I think so funny.
01:56:16.000 I loved him.
01:56:17.000 I loved being friends with him.
01:56:18.000 I love that I'm friends with Dice.
01:56:19.000 He's the coolest.
01:56:21.000 I don't know him, but personally.
01:56:22.000 Talk to him on the phone.
01:56:23.000 Joseph!
01:56:24.000 Talk to me.
01:56:24.000 I love him.
01:56:25.000 But he loves the thrill of gambling.
01:56:28.000 I don't know.
01:56:29.000 But the thrill...
01:56:30.000 I avoid gambling altogether.
01:56:32.000 I'm far too frugal.
01:56:34.000 But is it the thing of I can lose everything?
01:56:38.000 There's a little of that.
01:56:40.000 There's the rush of winning, too.
01:56:42.000 It's not just the notion that you could lose everything.
01:56:45.000 It's the rush of winning.
01:56:47.000 Wow.
01:56:47.000 Dana White's a giant gambler.
01:56:49.000 He's lost as much as a million dollars in a night.
01:56:52.000 Wait, is he a surfboard or skipper?
01:56:55.000 President of the UFC. Oh, sorry.
01:56:56.000 Who am I thinking of?
01:56:57.000 Is he a band?
01:56:58.000 Is he a boy band member?
01:57:01.000 I'm thinking of Sean White.
01:57:02.000 Is he a b-boy? 1.00
01:57:03.000 You know what I've been getting into lately?
01:57:05.000 Who?
01:57:06.000 Breakdancers. 0.99
01:57:07.000 I fucking love breakdancing. 0.98
01:57:08.000 I love that era. 0.97
01:57:10.000 Dude, there's an Instagram page called Stance Elements.
01:57:13.000 Okay. 0.99
01:57:14.000 Holy shit. 1.00
01:57:15.000 These guys are on another level. 1.00
01:57:18.000 There's this young Korean kid. 1.00
01:57:20.000 The shit that he does defies physics. 1.00
01:57:24.000 I think they call him Pocket Kim or something like that is his name. 0.99
01:57:28.000 He's on that Stance Elements page.
01:57:31.000 Dude, there's a school you can go to and learn.
01:57:33.000 I don't know.
01:57:34.000 I'm too busy.
01:57:35.000 I'm too fucking busy. 0.92
01:57:36.000 I'm having a hard enough time with English. 0.97
01:57:38.000 That's the guy.
01:57:39.000 Yeah, what is his name?
01:57:40.000 Bobby Pocket.
01:57:41.000 B-Boy Pocket.
01:57:41.000 B-Boy Pocket.
01:57:42.000 Okay.
01:57:43.000 Watch this guy.
01:57:45.000 Check this guy. 1.00
01:57:46.000 But no, you can't believe the shit he can do. 1.00
01:57:48.000 Look at this. 1.00
01:57:49.000 Look at this.
01:57:50.000 Look at this.
01:57:51.000 Dude, seriously. 1.00
01:57:52.000 What in the fuck? 1.00
01:57:54.000 Look at this. 1.00
01:57:55.000 Come on. 1.00
01:57:56.000 I mean, what in the fuck? 0.99
01:57:59.000 This guy is on such another level than anything I've ever seen before. 0.99
01:58:05.000 He's like taking this to some completely new place.
01:58:09.000 So rad, dude.
01:58:10.000 He was on...
01:58:11.000 I was looking at Tim Ferriss's Instagram page.
01:58:14.000 I like Tim Ferriss.
01:58:15.000 And this was on it.
01:58:16.000 Yeah, and this was on it.
01:58:18.000 This guy was on it. 1.00
01:58:18.000 And I was like, what in the fuck? 1.00
01:58:20.000 And then I started following stance elements on Instagram. 0.99
01:58:25.000 Once I started following her on Instagram, I realized, like, oh my god, I had no idea this was even happening.
01:58:30.000 Like, there's, and it's girls, too. 0.77
01:58:32.000 There's a bunch of girls. 1.00
01:58:33.000 Scroll down and see some of the girls. 1.00
01:58:35.000 Like, you see, like, there was a girl with long hair with a hat on.
01:58:38.000 Keep scrolling down.
01:58:39.000 Keep scrolling down.
01:58:41.000 There was a girl on, like, dance floor type situation with long hair and a hat. 1.00
01:58:46.000 Like, keep going.
01:58:46.000 You'll find her.
01:58:47.000 Keep going.
01:58:47.000 No, no, no.
01:58:48.000 That might be one of them.
01:58:50.000 Yeah, that's one of them.
01:58:51.000 Watch this girl. 1.00
01:58:52.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
01:58:52.000 There's a bunch of them. 1.00
01:58:53.000 Okay. 1.00
01:58:53.000 But, But these girls can do crazy shit, too. 1.00
01:58:56.000 Like, they're unbelievable athletes. 0.99
01:58:58.000 Give me some music there, Jamie.
01:59:02.000 But it's like, it's a crazy, like, gymnastics, rhythmic gymnastics art form thing.
01:59:11.000 Like, so they do the dance thing where they're standing up, and then they get down on the ground.
01:59:15.000 That's so hard, dude.
01:59:17.000 Oh, it's crazy. 1.00
01:59:17.000 Could you even imagine doing this shit now? 1.00
01:59:19.000 No. 1.00
01:59:19.000 But what's really interesting is a lot of these people... 1.00
01:59:23.000 That get into Jiu Jitsu are particularly talented at Jiu Jitsu because they have some amazing control over their body.
01:59:30.000 One of our best students from 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu is Gio Martinez and Richie Martinez, these two brothers.
01:59:37.000 And they're both break dancers. 0.96
01:59:39.000 They started out break dancing and now they're fucking savage Jiu Jitsu fighters. 0.97
01:59:43.000 And it's one of the reasons why is because they have this incredible control of their body. 0.98
01:59:47.000 I bet.
01:59:48.000 But I'm fascinated.
01:59:49.000 I go to that every day. 0.99
01:59:50.000 I'm like, what's the new freak shit people are doing? 0.99
01:59:51.000 Isn't that funny? 0.99
01:59:52.000 You find your Instagram jams, right?
01:59:54.000 Oh, I have a lot of jams on Instagram.
01:59:55.000 What's your other jam?
01:59:56.000 Let's go.
01:59:57.000 Oh, boy.
01:59:57.000 I don't know.
01:59:58.000 I follow a lot of nature pages.
02:00:00.000 Oh, nature?
02:00:01.000 I gotta get into that.
02:00:02.000 See?
02:00:02.000 Yeah, nature is metal is one of my favorite.
02:00:04.000 Cool.
02:00:05.000 Have you been to nature is metal?
02:00:06.000 Nope, I'm gonna. 1.00
02:00:07.000 Horrific fucking animals killing each other. 1.00
02:00:10.000 You do like that, because you always do post shit like, look at this fucking beast, and it's some crazy animal. 1.00
02:00:17.000 Yeah, I gotta tell everybody, look at that one. 1.00
02:00:19.000 Yeah, dude.
02:00:19.000 These wolves fighting over a deer that they killed.
02:00:22.000 That's bananas.
02:00:23.000 Yeah, they're covered in blood.
02:00:24.000 There's one that's going on right now.
02:00:27.000 It's not visual, but it's a story on my friend Remy Warren.
02:00:32.000 On his Instagram page, they were on an island in Alaska and they got attacked by a giant grizzly bear, a giant Kodiak brown bear, a thousand pound bear, knocked them over, ran through the camp.
02:00:44.000 One guy was literally riding on the bear's back as it ran down the hill.
02:00:48.000 The bear literally attacked and there was so many people and everybody scattered in certain directions and nobody got killed, but they easily could have gotten killed.
02:00:55.000 And it's on his Instagram page.
02:00:58.000 There's that video, but there's also on his Instagram story.
02:01:01.000 If you're using the app and you click on his little icon, it's like one of those where you see like a hundred dots in a row and he broke...
02:01:07.000 I don't know how he did it.
02:01:08.000 He broke like a long video down into 15-second chunks.
02:01:12.000 You record the whole video, and then you gotta take time to put it up on the story, but...
02:01:17.000 Right, but how do you do one...
02:01:19.000 Will they seamlessly go into the other, where there's no breaks?
02:01:22.000 Just use the next 15 second part.
02:01:25.000 Oh, God. 0.99
02:01:25.000 It's a little bit of a pain in the dick. 0.99
02:01:27.000 There might be a better way, but I don't think that there is. 0.99
02:01:30.000 But the way he did it is so seamless, it seems like there is a better way.
02:01:34.000 Maybe they're better at it now.
02:01:36.000 Anyway, a thousand pound huge Kodiak brown bear charged them because they had killed an elk and they had the elk in camp.
02:01:44.000 They had the meat in camp and this bear just ran over the top of the hill full blast at them, knocking people left and right.
02:01:49.000 And they said it was only because there were so many of them that they survived and nobody got hurt.
02:01:53.000 One guy hit the bear in the face with ski poles with like trekking poles and the bear scrambled.
02:01:59.000 Like he said literally there was giant gnashing teeth inches from his face.
02:02:05.000 And everyone went full reptilian.
02:02:09.000 They didn't see it coming.
02:02:10.000 They had bear spray and pistols, but they couldn't get to them in time.
02:02:13.000 They're like, you think you can handle this?
02:02:14.000 Like, you think you're prepared?
02:02:16.000 Like, oh, I would have done this.
02:02:17.000 Next time you should do this.
02:02:18.000 He's like, there's no next time.
02:02:20.000 You have no idea how you're going to react when a thousand pound bear runs at you.
02:02:24.000 Hell no.
02:02:25.000 Hell no. 0.90
02:02:26.000 I mean, we had a rat in our house. 0.87
02:02:29.000 And I was like terrified of killing it and seeing it dead.
02:02:33.000 But I was excited to put down those traps.
02:02:35.000 You know, like the snap traps. 0.99
02:02:36.000 I was like, I'm gonna fucking kill this thing. 0.98
02:02:38.000 Yeah, I wanted to get like a night vision camera. 0.99
02:02:41.000 Just to make sure.
02:02:43.000 You know, Red Band did that.
02:02:44.000 Yeah?
02:02:45.000 He captured it on film.
02:02:46.000 Like the rat getting caught in the trap.
02:02:48.000 It's horrific.
02:02:49.000 The thing is screaming.
02:02:50.000 I know.
02:02:51.000 When the trap gets like...
02:02:52.000 I know. 1.00
02:02:54.000 I know, but when that motherfucker's shitting all over your house and shitting in your kitchen, that's all I want is to see him dead. 1.00
02:02:59.000 Well, you guys are in the hills. 1.00
02:03:00.000 When you're in the hills, you get rats.
02:03:02.000 There's no way around it.
02:03:03.000 I know. 0.98
02:03:04.000 You know what's so silly is that that rat thing, I mean, we eventually caught it because I poisoned the fuck out of our yard. 0.98
02:03:13.000 I loved it. 1.00
02:03:14.000 It felt good to kill it. 1.00
02:03:16.000 I showed up dead one day. 0.99
02:03:18.000 My kid was playing right next to it.
02:03:19.000 I was like, oh my god, it's here.
02:03:20.000 It was all stiff and I got to throw it away.
02:03:22.000 It was good.
02:03:24.000 It really made me realize, maybe this is whatever tangent, but I think I'm becoming more of an atheist too.
02:03:31.000 You start to realize that it really just is like humans versus the elements. 0.99
02:03:36.000 Like, it's just us trying to build a fucking house, trying to keep the rodents out, trying to keep your shit safe, bears from eating you, trying to keep your young safe, trying to get them raised. 0.99
02:03:46.000 We're just animals, but we've got like cars and iPhones and shit, you know? 0.99
02:03:51.000 Yeah, but there's definitely a lot of that. 0.99
02:03:53.000 Two camera shoot with night vision.
02:03:55.000 I have this trap too.
02:03:57.000 Oh yeah.
02:03:59.000 Is it down?
02:04:00.000 I was trying to find it.
02:04:01.000 I don't remember exactly where he had it.
02:04:03.000 He's got it up somewhere on Instagram.
02:04:05.000 I love it.
02:04:05.000 But yeah, he caught them.
02:04:06.000 Good for him.
02:04:07.000 This is a good trap.
02:04:08.000 We have this one too.
02:04:09.000 It's an electric one, I believe. 1.00
02:04:11.000 But he was hearing them in his walls and shit. 1.00
02:04:13.000 No! 1.00
02:04:14.000 God damn it. 1.00
02:04:16.000 Have you ever seen Rats on Netflix? 0.99
02:04:18.000 Uh, no.
02:04:19.000 Dude.
02:04:20.000 The movie?
02:04:20.000 Stop what you're doing, because I'm about to ruin.
02:04:26.000 There's a documentary, Rats on Netflix.
02:04:29.000 No.
02:04:29.000 No, bro.
02:04:30.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.98
02:04:32.000 It's so scary. 1.00
02:04:33.000 They're nasty as fuck, huh? 1.00
02:04:36.000 They're so nasty and you realize how many there are. 1.00
02:04:38.000 There's so many. 1.00
02:04:39.000 Oh, my asshole just tangled. 1.00
02:04:41.000 New York City, overrun. 1.00
02:04:44.000 They say the weight in humans and the weight in rats might be the same in New York.
02:04:49.000 I'm sorry?
02:04:49.000 Really?
02:04:49.000 The weight of humans and the weight of rats.
02:04:52.000 There might be as many pounds of rat as there are pounds of people.
02:04:57.000 That's one theory.
02:04:58.000 They don't know.
02:04:59.000 It's just guesswork how many rats there are, but they're convinced there's as many rats as there are people.
02:05:05.000 There's 7 million people in New York!
02:05:07.000 There's 7 million rats!
02:05:09.000 But they say it might be as high as the body mass, like the biomass of rats and the biomass of people.
02:05:16.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:05:17.000 See, that's why I knew when I fucking found one... 0.98
02:05:19.000 I might have made that up. 0.99
02:05:20.000 I don't know.
02:05:21.000 When you find one, there's a bunch.
02:05:23.000 These unfortunate rats were not part of the comb study, were found hung by the Lower East Side resident last summer.
02:05:28.000 They hung rats?
02:05:29.000 How big they are.
02:05:30.000 Why'd they hang them? 0.96
02:05:30.000 Those are horrendous. 0.96
02:05:32.000 Why'd they hang them? 0.99
02:05:34.000 Just to let all the other rats know. 1.00
02:05:36.000 Listen, you cunts. 1.00
02:05:37.000 It's my fucking neighborhood. 1.00
02:05:39.000 Let this be a warning. 1.00
02:05:40.000 You can't... 0.99
02:05:41.000 Have you seen those Cuban rats in Cuba? 0.99
02:05:44.000 My husband went there once, and they're called Nutria. 0.96
02:05:47.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:05:48.000 They have those in the South.
02:05:50.000 Like, they hunt them.
02:05:51.000 Yeah, good.
02:05:52.000 Apparently, they taste good.
02:05:54.000 No.
02:05:54.000 Yes, yes, people cook them.
02:05:56.000 Apparently, it's like...
02:05:58.000 God, did Anthony Bourdain have it on his show?
02:06:00.000 No, it was on another show.
02:06:02.000 It was on someone's show.
02:06:04.000 Someone had a show about edible wild animals that people take for granted.
02:06:10.000 I forget what it was called.
02:06:11.000 But he cooked nutria, and it was delicious.
02:06:14.000 He made this casserole or something.
02:06:16.000 Wait, was he in Uganda?
02:06:17.000 I think that was in Uganda.
02:06:19.000 No!
02:06:20.000 Are you sure?
02:06:20.000 Yeah, he was in the South.
02:06:21.000 Because I think in Uganda one time they fed him a rat and he was like, it's delicious.
02:06:25.000 And you just knew that he was big.
02:06:27.000 It was in a yellow curry sauce.
02:06:28.000 I had squirrel.
02:06:29.000 I hear it's greasy.
02:06:31.000 The way I had it wasn't greasy, but it was good.
02:06:34.000 It tasted good.
02:06:35.000 It didn't taste bad.
02:06:36.000 It didn't taste bad, but it's not good.
02:06:39.000 I mean, you gotta think it's eating acorns, you know?
02:06:41.000 It's like...
02:06:41.000 Is that what they eat?
02:06:42.000 Yeah.
02:06:43.000 I mean, it's probably just like rabbits.
02:06:45.000 Like, have you ever eaten rabbit?
02:06:46.000 I like rabbit.
02:06:46.000 Yeah, squirrel's probably the same.
02:06:48.000 I've had a rattlesnake, jambalaya.
02:06:51.000 Really?
02:06:52.000 That's okay.
02:06:52.000 I've had alligator.
02:06:53.000 I like alligator.
02:06:54.000 I'm supposed to go hunt alligators with a buddy of mine.
02:06:57.000 Those are cool.
02:06:58.000 Gonna bow hunt for alligator. 1.00
02:06:59.000 Fucking dinosaurs, dude? 1.00
02:07:01.000 Yeah, you're basically shooting a purse. 1.00
02:07:04.000 When I was on Road Rules back in the 90s, we went to Crocodile Farm.
02:07:08.000 Whoa.
02:07:09.000 You were on Road Rules in the 90s?
02:07:11.000 You didn't know that?
02:07:11.000 No.
02:07:12.000 Really?
02:07:12.000 This whole time?
02:07:13.000 MTV, Road Rules?
02:07:14.000 Yeah, the red-haired stepchild of the real world. 0.56
02:07:16.000 Dude, I was in a Winnebago.
02:07:17.000 We went to Australia.
02:07:19.000 How was it the red-haired stepchild?
02:07:21.000 Was it the same producers or something?
02:07:23.000 Same company, Buna Murray, and The Real World was like the flagship awesome show, and then like a fraction watched The Road Rules.
02:07:31.000 Do you know Matt Kunitz, one of the guys who was the, you know Matt?
02:07:33.000 Yes, yes.
02:07:34.000 He's the guy who was a producer of Fear Factor.
02:07:36.000 Oh, that's right.
02:07:36.000 Yes.
02:07:37.000 Yes, yes.
02:07:38.000 Matt's a friend of mine.
02:07:38.000 It's a small world.
02:07:39.000 I vacation with him.
02:07:40.000 Oh, well, tell him I said, hello.
02:07:42.000 I do love Matt Kunitz.
02:07:44.000 He's a great guy.
02:07:44.000 Yeah, there's a lot of good people.
02:07:45.000 I worked with him forever.
02:07:46.000 Yeah.
02:07:47.000 Yeah.
02:07:47.000 Good people come out here.
02:07:48.000 But anyway, we worked at the crocodile farm, and this is back in the day.
02:07:51.000 There I am. 0.98
02:07:52.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
02:07:53.000 Look at you. 1.00
02:07:54.000 And not wearing jeans, by the way.
02:07:56.000 Dude, you're a baby.
02:07:57.000 I know.
02:07:58.000 You're like a baby. 0.51
02:07:59.000 That's crazy. 0.99
02:08:00.000 That's you?
02:08:00.000 Yeah, I was like 20. Zoom in on her.
02:08:04.000 Low res, guys.
02:08:05.000 Wow.
02:08:05.000 How old were you then?
02:08:07.000 Like 20. Wow.
02:08:10.000 Crazy haircut, too.
02:08:11.000 Look at that 90s haircut.
02:08:12.000 Isn't it funny how people get on those shows and they're like, hey, maybe something will happen out of this.
02:08:17.000 How few people things happen for.
02:08:20.000 Never.
02:08:21.000 You know who Michael Yo?
02:08:24.000 Do you know Michael Yo?
02:08:24.000 Yeah, I do.
02:08:25.000 The Yo Show.
02:08:26.000 He was on the first ever episode of Fear Factor.
02:08:29.000 Really?
02:08:29.000 Yep.
02:08:30.000 He's really good.
02:08:31.000 He's really talented.
02:08:32.000 He's a great guy too.
02:08:33.000 Sweetheart of a guy.
02:08:34.000 But he was like one of the rare guys that made it through Fear Factor and became famous.
02:08:40.000 How many people do you think came on Fear Factor being like, someone's gonna see me and I'm gonna be like discovered.
02:08:46.000 Probably a few, right?
02:08:48.000 But, you know, that wasn't the show.
02:08:51.000 Like, it's not American Idol.
02:08:53.000 No.
02:08:54.000 Even American Idol.
02:08:55.000 Think about all the people that were on American Idol.
02:08:57.000 What is the percentage of people that are on America's Got Talent that actually have a career afterwards?
02:09:02.000 Well, you know who actually did was Melissa Villasenor.
02:09:06.000 She was on AGT. Who's Melissa?
02:09:11.000 Melissa Villasenor.
02:09:11.000 She's now on Saturday Night Live.
02:09:13.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
02:09:13.000 She's an amazing impressionist. 1.00
02:09:15.000 I mean, this girl was on Instagram every day doing like Gwen Stefani, Jaylee, what's his name? 0.99
02:09:22.000 Osmit, whole fucks nut from Sixth Sense. 1.00
02:09:25.000 Jaylee, suck my nuts. 1.00
02:09:27.000 She would do these obscure things and they were spot on. 1.00
02:09:30.000 And she came on your mom's house and pretended to be Gloria Estefan. 1.00
02:09:34.000 And was fantastic.
02:09:36.000 We played the call for Gloria Estefan.
02:09:38.000 And she was like, oh my god, this girl is amazing.
02:09:40.000 Wow.
02:09:40.000 So she's on there.
02:09:41.000 So I would say that's for sure I know.
02:09:43.000 Melissa Villasenor is amazing and talented.
02:09:45.000 And that Terry Fedor guy. 0.99
02:09:46.000 He has a fucking theater in Vegas at the Mirage. 0.99
02:09:49.000 Yes. 1.00
02:09:49.000 But wasn't he always... 1.00
02:09:50.000 I thought he was successful prior to being on...
02:09:54.000 I don't know.
02:09:54.000 I mean, he won America's Got Talent.
02:09:56.000 That's like his credit.
02:09:57.000 It says, winner of America's Got Talent.
02:09:59.000 And they have a theater named after him in Vegas.
02:10:01.000 It's bananas.
02:10:02.000 The Terry Fedor Theater.
02:10:03.000 Season 2. Season 2. What are they up to?
02:10:05.000 Like, season 90 now?
02:10:07.000 Wait, hold on.
02:10:07.000 Who's that season 10 guy?
02:10:09.000 He's trying to beat Terry Fedor. 1.00
02:10:10.000 This motherfucker. 1.00
02:10:11.000 What's he doing? 1.00
02:10:12.000 Paul Zurdin. 1.00
02:10:13.000 This motherfucker. 1.00
02:10:14.000 British comedian. 1.00
02:10:15.000 Yeah, I mean look, he's got puppets.
02:10:17.000 Like there's not a whole lot of guys with puppets in America.
02:10:20.000 Like stop and think about that.
02:10:21.000 What are the numbers of people that have like a puppet act that are comics today?
02:10:26.000 Well, we got the big one.
02:10:28.000 What's his nuts?
02:10:29.000 Who?
02:10:30.000 Come on, the guy.
02:10:31.000 We have the same manager.
02:10:32.000 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:10:32.000 That guy, Jeff...
02:10:34.000 Dunham.
02:10:35.000 Dunham.
02:10:35.000 Huge.
02:10:36.000 Huge.
02:10:36.000 He's giant.
02:10:37.000 Huge, yeah.
02:10:37.000 He sells out arenas.
02:10:39.000 Arenas and in like crazy markets that you wouldn't even...
02:10:42.000 This girl just won it. 0.99
02:10:43.000 She won it.
02:10:44.000 Good for you, Darcy.
02:10:45.000 She's 12. Yeah.
02:10:46.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00
02:10:47.000 I like it fucking... 1.00
02:10:47.000 Get her off the stage. 1.00
02:10:48.000 She doesn't know what she's doing. 1.00
02:10:49.000 Fuck nuts. 1.00
02:10:51.000 What's his name? 1.00
02:10:52.000 Simon.
02:10:53.000 Simon.
02:10:54.000 Simon Cowell. 1.00
02:10:54.000 Everyone sucks. 1.00
02:10:55.000 I'm such a cunt. 1.00
02:10:56.000 Yeah, Howie. 1.00
02:10:58.000 And then that's Spice.
02:10:59.000 What's her name?
02:10:59.000 Scary Spice.
02:11:00.000 Yeah.
02:11:01.000 The comedian that did very well.
02:11:02.000 He made it to the finals.
02:11:03.000 His first thing he did in LA, I think, was on Kill Tony.
02:11:07.000 He was on Kill Tony quite a few times.
02:11:09.000 Who?
02:11:09.000 That's cool.
02:11:09.000 His name's Preacher Lawson.
02:11:11.000 Oh.
02:11:11.000 And he made it all the way to the finals.
02:11:13.000 That's him?
02:11:13.000 High energy comedian, yeah.
02:11:15.000 It's pretty good.
02:11:15.000 Look at that.
02:11:16.000 Wow.
02:11:17.000 Got a lot of energy.
02:11:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:11:19.000 He's very muscular and shit. 1.00
02:11:22.000 That's the kids say. 1.00
02:11:23.000 He's taking a chance wearing tight clothing too.
02:11:25.000 Hell yeah.
02:11:26.000 Distracting from his stage persona.
02:11:29.000 See, now that's an interesting, we were talking about this with Brendan Schaub on our show, and he doesn't like to dress too attractively, like showing off his physique on stage.
02:11:39.000 And women, I have a similar problem too. 1.00
02:11:40.000 I have huge tits. 0.99
02:11:41.000 And so one of my problems with my special was like, how do I fucking cover up these enormous cans? 1.00
02:11:47.000 Look at that tits! 1.00
02:11:48.000 Look at that tits on that one! 1.00
02:11:49.000 And jokes too, but tits! 1.00
02:11:50.000 Yeah, please, you know? 1.00
02:11:55.000 I gotta jerk off before I watch the specials. 1.00
02:11:59.000 What is it about tits? 1.00
02:12:00.000 Like, there's something about tits. 1.00
02:12:02.000 Well, they're your first thing. 0.84
02:12:04.000 We were talking about this in the beginning, that when you're born and your mom goes, here you go, and you're like, these are great.
02:12:10.000 Where can I get more of this? 0.91
02:12:11.000 Plus, guys stare at tits with the hope that almost like when you stare up at the sky, every now and then you see a shooting star. 0.98
02:12:22.000 If you stare at tits, every now and then one will pop out. 1.00
02:12:25.000 Like, whoa! 0.99
02:12:25.000 A little nip-snip! 0.99
02:12:27.000 Does that really happen?
02:12:28.000 Yeah, nip slips are real. 1.00
02:12:29.000 I've seen nip slips.
02:12:30.000 I've seen girls, like, they bend over to, like, fix their shoe and their tip pops out. 1.00
02:12:34.000 Oh my god, did you see that?
02:12:35.000 Like, don't worry, it's no big deal.
02:12:37.000 I looked away as soon as I saw it.
02:12:39.000 I'm being respectful.
02:12:41.000 So at what age does that, like, what age does that all calm down and you become, like, a civilized human?
02:12:48.000 Oh, sorry. 0.99
02:12:48.000 Is that a stupid question? 0.99
02:12:50.000 What is this Narnia land? 1.00
02:12:51.000 Never mind. 1.00
02:12:53.000 I think when your dick stops working. 1.00
02:12:55.000 Look at Harvey. 1.00
02:12:55.000 Harvey Weinstein's, like, 70 years old, right? 1.00
02:12:57.000 How old is he? 0.99
02:12:59.000 Disgusting. 1.00
02:12:59.000 He's getting his rape on. 1.00
02:13:00.000 He's too old to be that rapey. 1.00
02:13:02.000 No, no, no.
02:13:03.000 Viagra, cocaine.
02:13:04.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:13:05.000 See, at 60, shit's supposed to kind of... 0.99
02:13:07.000 How old is he? 0.99
02:13:07.000 65. I think he farts when he comes. 0.99
02:13:19.000 This nasty. 0.99
02:13:20.000 You nasty heart. 0.99
02:13:21.000 Yeah, of course he farts when he comes. 0.99
02:13:23.000 Look at him.
02:13:23.000 Oh my god.
02:13:24.000 Now here's a question.
02:13:25.000 How does a guy bounce back?
02:13:28.000 This is not bounceable.
02:13:30.000 No?
02:13:30.000 No.
02:13:31.000 So what do you do? 1.00
02:13:31.000 Especially in today's culture where there's no hall pass anymore for this shit. 1.00
02:13:36.000 Right. 1.00
02:13:36.000 He's just got to go into hiding. 1.00
02:13:38.000 Or like Bill Cosby, do the complete deflection. 1.00
02:13:41.000 Like, I don't know what these bitches are talking about. 1.00
02:13:44.000 He's in total denial. 1.00
02:13:46.000 But he's also blind.
02:13:47.000 That's true.
02:13:48.000 Bill Cosby's almost completely blind. 1.00
02:13:51.000 It's weird when you look at him like it's all cockeyed shit. 1.00
02:13:56.000 It's almost like his body is rebelling on his reality. 1.00
02:14:01.000 It's fucked up. 1.00
02:14:03.000 The evil's making him blind. 0.99
02:14:05.000 I was a fan of his in a big way when I was a little kid.
02:14:08.000 Of course.
02:14:08.000 I remember listening to Bill Cosby himself.
02:14:12.000 I mean, yeah, his eyes are all fucked up now. 0.99
02:14:15.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:14:16.000 He has like really aggressive glaucoma.
02:14:17.000 Go with the one above in the gray sweater.
02:14:19.000 My favorite is the folded hands.
02:14:21.000 Like, Rudy.
02:14:22.000 Look at that picture right there. 0.65
02:14:23.000 Come get your pooty. 0.99
02:14:24.000 Yeah.
02:14:25.000 That's the mugshot when he got arrested.
02:14:28.000 It's just so weird.
02:14:30.000 Go from that picture to the one in the upper right where he's smiling.
02:14:34.000 Like, what happened?
02:14:36.000 Like, this was the guy we thought we were getting, right?
02:14:39.000 We thought we were getting Jell-O pudding, America.
02:14:43.000 Look at him, he's smiling. 1.00
02:14:44.000 Imagine if you were the girl who this guy raped. 1.00
02:14:47.000 Oh my god. 0.99
02:14:48.000 And you had to watch him be like America's sweetheart. 0.99
02:14:51.000 And you're like, no, you're a monster. 0.96
02:14:54.000 You're taking people's humanity. 0.99
02:14:56.000 It's so crazy.
02:14:57.000 Like the Hugh Hefner thing. 0.97
02:14:59.000 He's just a freak.
02:15:01.000 You know, they know what they're signing up for.
02:15:02.000 He's not drugging anybody.
02:15:04.000 That's true.
02:15:05.000 And everyone's kind of aware.
02:15:07.000 Hey, guess what?
02:15:08.000 It's creepy.
02:15:09.000 It's not going to be great.
02:15:10.000 But there's an exchange here.
02:15:11.000 You get free rent.
02:15:12.000 You know, the pajama thing.
02:15:14.000 Even Harvey's not drugging anybody.
02:15:16.000 I don't know.
02:15:17.000 We don't know yet.
02:15:18.000 I don't know. 1.00
02:15:19.000 I'm just talking shit. 0.99
02:15:20.000 But for the stories that I'm hearing, he's just like trying. 0.99
02:15:25.000 Like, again, he's missing a lot of pitches.
02:15:28.000 Like, over the years, right? 0.96
02:15:30.000 So if 25 women have come forward, how many did he just fucking knock it out of the park inside the mind of Bill Cosby? 0.94
02:15:37.000 Wow, what year was that? 0.98
02:15:38.000 I wish we could really...
02:15:39.000 Get in there. 0.98
02:15:40.000 It's just like pills and rape. 0.99
02:15:42.000 Rerecord that out. 1.00
02:15:42.000 Just cumming and people are asleep. 1.00
02:15:44.000 It's his favorite thing. 0.93
02:15:46.000 How is that the favorite, too? 0.99
02:15:49.000 Like, I need you to be totally dead. 0.83
02:15:51.000 I don't know. 0.99
02:15:52.000 I've heard theories.
02:15:54.000 One of the theories that I heard that was kind of interesting is that when you are that much of a celebrity in a time where there's no repercussions, like pre-internet, right?
02:16:04.000 Yeah.
02:16:04.000 That your thoughts of who you are in comparison to who other people are is that you really literally feel like you're royalty.
02:16:13.000 Like you're better than other people.
02:16:15.000 You know, I worked at a casino once and they told me that this was before Bill Cosby got arrested.
02:16:20.000 This was when the allegations were just before they were even emerging.
02:16:24.000 This was before anything happened.
02:16:25.000 They were talking about how weird he was and that he made the employees all sit down and watch him eat curry.
02:16:31.000 He had to have everybody in that was working there, door people, box office.
02:16:36.000 They had to sit in the room with him and watch him while he ate.
02:16:40.000 And then he had a security guard tuck him into bed, like literally tuck him into bed at night when he went to sleep.
02:16:47.000 What's with the curry, though?
02:16:49.000 He wanted people to watch him eat. 1.00
02:16:50.000 And then watch him take a shit. 1.00
02:16:52.000 I mean, you could be generous and say, well, maybe it's his way of getting over stage fright. 1.00
02:17:00.000 He gets over the feeling of people watching him.
02:17:03.000 All these people staring at him and then going on stage.
02:17:05.000 It could be an effective strategy.
02:17:07.000 If you really think about it...
02:17:09.000 If you have a room full of people that are just staring at you and you're just doing normal stuff and then you go on stage, it's like you've kind of relaxed.
02:17:16.000 Sure.
02:17:17.000 Does that make any sense?
02:17:18.000 I mean, also, no.
02:17:20.000 I mean, it does.
02:17:22.000 It does for somebody who would... 1.00
02:17:24.000 For me personally, the power move of doing that is such an asshole thing. 0.99
02:17:30.000 Like, hey, everybody, stop what you're doing. 0.99
02:17:32.000 Watch me eat curry.
02:17:33.000 It's so absurd.
02:17:35.000 It's like, do you really need that?
02:17:37.000 That's what the woman who was working there was telling me about. 0.99
02:17:39.000 That's how she was thinking of it.
02:17:40.000 She's like, he's so weird.
02:17:41.000 And I was like, how so?
02:17:42.000 And then she was just telling me all these stories.
02:17:45.000 In the dressing room.
02:17:46.000 They'd all be standing around.
02:17:47.000 That's a power move, though.
02:17:49.000 20 people.
02:17:50.000 That's a power.
02:17:51.000 That's, hey, do what I say.
02:17:53.000 Yeah.
02:17:54.000 Tuck me in.
02:17:55.000 Tuck me in.
02:17:56.000 Tuck me in.
02:17:57.000 I keep climbing bed, and you have to, like, tuck.
02:18:01.000 Like a little burrito.
02:18:02.000 Yeah, a little burrito.
02:18:03.000 Read him the story.
02:18:03.000 That's how I like to go to sleep.
02:18:04.000 Miss Baba.
02:18:06.000 Shut the light out.
02:18:07.000 Now leave. 0.61
02:18:09.000 That's so dark.
02:18:10.000 Well, you know, like a lot of these people have like a whole team of handlers, you know?
02:18:15.000 Yes.
02:18:15.000 Open the door for Mr. Cosby, you know, like Mr. Cosby sits down.
02:18:20.000 You know, you might want to buckle him up.
02:18:22.000 Want to buckle up Mr. Cosby?
02:18:24.000 Mr. Cosby just sits there.
02:18:25.000 You buckle him up and he just drives.
02:18:29.000 Weird, right?
02:18:30.000 Yeah, I'm not even, like I don't know, I can't connect.
02:18:33.000 I don't know.
02:18:34.000 Some people I think probably like the idea of royalty, like being royal.
02:18:40.000 It sounds like a jail.
02:18:42.000 It sounds terrible.
02:18:43.000 I follow on Instagram Kate, you know, the new royal.
02:18:48.000 Oh, what's her name? 0.75
02:18:49.000 Kate of Berkshire or whatever.
02:18:53.000 Princess Kate Middleton.
02:18:57.000 And the fantasy, in addition to the like thing, that sort of whatever culture, is the culture of people putting forward their best image all the time.
02:19:08.000 You're not really posting.
02:19:10.000 Could you imagine the absolute hell of being that 24-7?
02:19:16.000 I mean, I would hate it so much.
02:19:19.000 But does someone look forward to that?
02:19:21.000 Yeah.
02:19:21.000 Does someone go, oh, I wish it was me?
02:19:23.000 Yeah.
02:19:23.000 Some girl's dreaming of being Kate Middleton.
02:19:27.000 It would be amazing.
02:19:28.000 I want to be Kate.
02:19:29.000 Look at her.
02:19:30.000 She's very pretty.
02:19:31.000 She's gorgeous.
02:19:31.000 Yeah.
02:19:31.000 No, she's fantastic.
02:19:32.000 She's doing a great job.
02:19:33.000 Do you think he's got a hog on him?
02:19:34.000 No! 0.94
02:19:35.000 Tall, skinny guy. 0.97
02:19:36.000 Might have a hog. 0.99
02:19:37.000 You know, the Brits are not known for...
02:19:40.000 For hogs? 1.00
02:19:41.000 I lived in England for a year.
02:19:42.000 I did not do anything. 0.96
02:19:44.000 I didn't touch an English hog, but I had a gay friend that was touching all the hogs. 1.00
02:19:47.000 And he was like, I'm not impressed. 0.94
02:19:49.000 I'm not impressed.
02:19:50.000 Hmm.
02:19:51.000 Yeah.
02:19:52.000 Look at this comment.
02:19:54.000 Great-grandfather John committed suicide at age 43. His sister Julia remained a spinster her whole life, I believe.
02:20:02.000 She lived with brother Ebenezer, the shipwright.
02:20:04.000 What? 0.99
02:20:05.000 What the fuck kind of comment is that? 0.99
02:20:08.000 This guy's leaving a bunch of comments apparently. 0.99
02:20:10.000 They're just weird?
02:20:11.000 Yeah, just a bunch of stuff.
02:20:12.000 Yeah, look at this.
02:20:13.000 Iran deal? 0.88
02:20:14.000 What kind of obtruse, scandalous, and disgraceful gnosis is this?
02:20:19.000 I'm not one of the grand and glorious vetted ones privy to the global secrets. 0.98
02:20:24.000 Like, oh, this guy's a nut.
02:20:26.000 This guy's leaving some interesting comments. 0.67
02:20:29.000 This is Kensington Royal Instagram page.
02:20:33.000 How many likes do they have there?
02:20:34.000 119,000. 0.99
02:20:35.000 Conor McGregor shits on you, Royals. 1.00
02:20:38.000 He shits on your numbers, too. 1.00
02:20:39.000 2.2 million? 1.00
02:20:41.000 Damn. 1.00
02:20:42.000 Spit at that. 1.00
02:20:43.000 Damn. 1.00
02:20:44.000 You know what's a great Instagram is passenger shaming. 1.00
02:20:48.000 Have you seen this?
02:20:49.000 What is that?
02:20:50.000 Oh, it's fantastic. 0.99
02:20:51.000 It's a flight attendant and she takes photos of people putting their nasty feet up on the seats and on the trays and acting like fools. 1.00
02:20:59.000 And then she puts it up and they talk some shit. 1.00
02:21:01.000 It's fantastic. 0.99
02:21:02.000 Yeah, see?
02:21:02.000 People, look at this.
02:21:03.000 Look at this. 0.99
02:21:04.000 Nasty. 1.00
02:21:05.000 Yeah, people are gross. 1.00
02:21:06.000 Ugh, putting your feet up on the fucking thing. 1.00
02:21:08.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
02:21:09.000 Dude, I just had someone do it last week to me.
02:21:11.000 They put their foot in between the seat.
02:21:13.000 See how that dog is?
02:21:15.000 Their foot was there.
02:21:15.000 So you saw the foot while you were looking down?
02:21:17.000 Yeah.
02:21:17.000 The foot was right there.
02:21:18.000 Did you say anything?
02:21:19.000 No, I just took a picture and put it on Instagram.
02:21:21.000 Yeah, just like that.
02:21:23.000 It is nasty. 1.00
02:21:24.000 People are fucking gross. 1.00
02:21:25.000 And sometimes their feet will touch you. 1.00
02:21:27.000 Ugh.
02:21:28.000 Like, if someone's hand touches you, no big deal.
02:21:30.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:21:31.000 But your fucking stinky feet. 1.00
02:21:33.000 You know what my daughter did the other day? 1.00
02:21:35.000 The same one that's making me wear this gay bracelet. 0.95
02:21:37.000 My daughter made this bracelet for my seven-year-old. 1.00
02:21:39.000 She's fucking hilarious. 1.00
02:21:40.000 She had a Band-Aid on her finger. 1.00
02:21:42.000 She kept it on all day.
02:21:43.000 And she goes, Dad, smell my finger.
02:21:45.000 I'm like, I don't want to smell your finger.
02:21:46.000 She goes, come on, smell my finger. 1.00
02:21:48.000 I go, I don't want to smell your finger.
02:21:49.000 She goes, it smells like roses.
02:21:50.000 And I smell it.
02:21:51.000 It smelled like Joey Diaz's feet.
02:21:53.000 And she's laughing. 0.74
02:21:55.000 She's like, ah, it's disgusting. 1.00
02:21:58.000 She thought it was so funny that she got me to smell it that I gave in.
02:22:02.000 After I go, okay.
02:22:03.000 Oh, Jesus!
02:22:06.000 It's rad.
02:22:07.000 This tiny little seven-year-old.
02:22:09.000 It's just so funny to her.
02:22:11.000 It's so good.
02:22:12.000 It's funny when you're going to see this about your son as he gets older.
02:22:14.000 They have their own little way of talking and thinking about things and communicating with you and the little calculated way of interfacing with the world.
02:22:23.000 It's so weird.
02:22:24.000 I see it already.
02:22:25.000 I see some manipulation techniques.
02:22:27.000 Does he talk?
02:22:27.000 He's starting to, yeah.
02:22:29.000 Words, words.
02:22:30.000 And he can say certain things. 1.00
02:22:32.000 Yeah, it's cute as fuck. 0.99
02:22:33.000 I love it. 0.99
02:22:33.000 Oh, it's so amazing. 0.99
02:22:34.000 I like it.
02:22:35.000 So strange.
02:22:36.000 You're making people.
02:22:38.000 It's bananas.
02:22:39.000 We look at him, and I'm like, we made this dude.
02:22:44.000 One weekend in Virginia Beach, when you were at the Funny Bone. 1.00
02:22:49.000 We were eating at Ruth's Chris, and then this fucking guy. 1.00
02:22:54.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:22:55.000 Do you guys, like, when you see Tommy now with this crazy fitness routine, I mean, he looks fantastic.
02:23:01.000 I mean, I saw him the other night. 0.94
02:23:02.000 I was like, Jesus Christ, look how fucking great you look. 0.98
02:23:04.000 I love it. 0.99
02:23:05.000 Like, he lost all that weight from the weight loss challenge and then just fucking ran with it. 0.94
02:23:08.000 He is so much happier now. 0.98
02:23:11.000 And I sing the praises of the fat shaming campaign.
02:23:15.000 And I think that shaming is such a wonderful tool to get people to jumpstart whatever it is that they need to accomplish.
02:23:21.000 But people don't want to hear that.
02:23:23.000 No.
02:23:24.000 But shame is a wonderful, it's not necessarily bad to feel shame.
02:23:28.000 Shame is okay in small doses.
02:23:30.000 It can motivate you.
02:23:31.000 Yeah.
02:23:32.000 Some people need to be motivated.
02:23:34.000 Yeah.
02:23:35.000 And in whatever way they can get.
02:23:36.000 But the thing is, it makes people feel bad and people don't want people to feel bad.
02:23:40.000 Yeah, well, feeling bad is what makes you change.
02:23:43.000 But some people, when they shame you, they're shaming you because they're just being mean.
02:23:47.000 Any positive consequences that come from that are just inconsequential.
02:23:50.000 They're just lucky.
02:23:52.000 Yeah.
02:23:52.000 You know?
02:23:53.000 But in this case, I think it was a constructive shame. 0.97
02:23:57.000 Well, they were both wanting to lose weight, and Tom and Bert were both shitting on each other equally back and forth. 0.99
02:24:03.000 Yeah, so crazy. 0.93
02:24:04.000 But what was interesting is, like, fans got really into it and were really mean about it.
02:24:08.000 Yes, and really funny about it.
02:24:11.000 We got many submissions on your mom's house, international submissions of English teachers in their classrooms, teaching them how to say bird is fat in English, and they're speaking Indian or something.
02:24:22.000 It was really cool.
02:24:24.000 So many videos.
02:24:24.000 Tom started doing local TV stations and talking to them about how fat bird is.
02:24:33.000 And it would get online, and it just got so crazy, you know?
02:24:36.000 And then people would go to Burt's show and yell out, Tom's fat!
02:24:40.000 Yeah.
02:24:40.000 You know, and, like, Tom's shows, people would yell out, why is Burt so fat?
02:24:44.000 I definitely think the Burt is Fat campaign took off a lot more.
02:24:47.000 A lot more, yeah.
02:24:48.000 I would say that got some heat and...
02:24:50.000 I think his podcast, Bert's, is struggling in comparison to Tom's and yours.
02:24:55.000 I think you guys have a much more powerful presence online.
02:24:57.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:24:58.000 And it's like, he fucked with the wrong dude. 0.99
02:25:00.000 He did. 0.99
02:25:00.000 He did fuck with the wrong dude. 0.99
02:25:01.000 Now, Sober October, we are, how many, 11 days in? 0.99
02:25:05.000 What's today?
02:25:06.000 Yeah, today's the 11th.
02:25:07.000 Yeah, just so everybody knows, I'm not smoking pot, alright?
02:25:10.000 Why? 1.00
02:25:11.000 Because I got shamed into it, because Ari was being a fucking bitch. 1.00
02:25:14.000 He's like, you can't smoke pot. 1.00
02:25:16.000 I'm like, I can, it's just that wasn't part of the deal.
02:25:18.000 And I thought about it on September 31st, or whatever it was, September, what is it, 31?
02:25:23.000 30?
02:25:23.000 30. And I was like, fuck this.
02:25:25.000 I was like, I don't need to smoke pot. 1.00
02:25:26.000 I'm gonna take the whole month off pot, too.
02:25:27.000 So, I've taken the whole month off pot, and...
02:25:30.000 One of the things that's interesting is my dreams are intense. 0.99
02:25:35.000 I had a dream last night, and maybe it was because I'm paying attention to all this Harvey Weinstein shit. 0.98
02:25:40.000 I had a dream last night that there was some Russian woman who was married to some Russian dictator dude that was seducing me. 0.99
02:25:51.000 The dude was seducing you or the girl? 0.83
02:25:52.000 No, the girl was. 0.99
02:25:53.000 The woman was. 0.86
02:25:54.000 She was some really hot Russian woman, but I was terrified of her. 1.00
02:25:58.000 Because she was the wife of some really powerful man.
02:26:02.000 And she was making me hang out with her. 0.99
02:26:05.000 I didn't fuck her in my dreams, but I was basically being... 0.87
02:26:12.000 Submissive tour, you know, it was very strange and we were on a boat somehow or another like it was super vivid We're looking out and I looked out the window another boat was really close to us But it didn't collide with us all girl, but it was like super vivid and I was thinking like wow This is last night? 0.95
02:26:29.000 Yeah, and I was thinking, I didn't have any alpha brain before I went to bed either.
02:26:32.000 It wasn't like one of those dreams, but it was really vivid.
02:26:36.000 And that's one of the things that I'd heard when people stop smoking pot, is that their dreams become very vivid, and you remember your dreams.
02:26:43.000 Now, my therapist will do dream analysis on me.
02:26:47.000 And it's usually people who represent either feelings you have or...
02:26:51.000 You don't really dream...
02:26:52.000 You dream in symbolism, right?
02:26:54.000 So the Russian lady could be whoever. 0.92
02:26:57.000 It could be your mother, your sister, your wife, your...
02:26:59.000 I think she represented power to me.
02:27:01.000 Like, the feeling of being, like...
02:27:04.000 You know, it's very unusual for a man to feel like they're in a position where a woman has power over them, unless it's your boss, right? 0.95
02:27:11.000 So for me, it was like this feeling of this woman who I couldn't say no to, and I was scared of, because she was married to some dictator, you know?
02:27:22.000 And she's like, come into my room.
02:27:24.000 I want you to hang out with me.
02:27:25.000 And she was really beautiful.
02:27:26.000 I was like, oh, okay, yeah, sure, I'll do whatever. 0.99
02:27:29.000 But I was really nervous around her and shit. 0.96
02:27:31.000 And you didn't get it on? 0.99
02:27:32.000 No, not in the dream.
02:27:33.000 Not unless I forgot that part.
02:27:35.000 Yeah.
02:27:36.000 I mean, it was really weird.
02:27:38.000 It was like, because I was like, I better do what she says.
02:27:40.000 Like one of those things.
02:27:41.000 And I was thinking like, man, I wonder if that's what it feels like to be like...
02:27:46.000 Like someone who had to deal with someone like Harvey Weinstein.
02:27:48.000 Yeah, for sure.
02:27:49.000 I was wondering if that's what planted that seed in my head.
02:27:51.000 Like if I was a young starlet hoping to make it in the business and he was the guy that held, you know, possible my future in front of me.
02:27:59.000 Right?
02:28:00.000 Well, also the dreams.
02:28:01.000 Anyway, my shrink says that when you do your dream analysis, a lot of times it's feelings you can't deal with in waking life.
02:28:07.000 So it's the feeling in the dream.
02:28:09.000 All right.
02:28:09.000 What do you think they would say?
02:28:10.000 Power, powerlessness.
02:28:11.000 What do you think they would say about this dream?
02:28:12.000 I don't know, because I don't know enough about your personal life.
02:28:14.000 It would have to know more about your dynamics between your wife, whoever else is in your world.
02:28:20.000 Because it always represents other people.
02:28:22.000 You won't ever dream...
02:28:23.000 If you have problems with your mommy or your daddy, it's not really...
02:28:26.000 For instance, whenever...
02:28:27.000 This is so weird, but whenever I dream about my father, I actually dream about Howard Stern.
02:28:32.000 I associate the two.
02:28:33.000 Yeah, so Howard Stern shows up.
02:28:35.000 They have a similar sense of humor and I grew up on Stern and I see Stern is like a paternal You know, he could be my dad like in a lot of ways.
02:28:44.000 He's my comedy dad like I grew up just worshiping Howard Stern, yeah So whenever I dream about Stern, I know it's like oh I have it's a dad issue Would you be weirded out if you did a show? 0.72
02:28:53.000 I would fucking love it so much.
02:28:56.000 It's my dream I don't get geeked out on celebrities. 0.97
02:28:59.000 I don't really care.
02:29:00.000 He would be the only one that I'd be nervous.
02:29:03.000 He was the most important thing that I ever did, for sure, to me, in my mind. 0.98
02:29:06.000 He was like, I didn't give a fuck if I was on a Tonight Show. 0.98
02:29:10.000 That didn't mean anything to me. 0.98
02:29:11.000 I was never a Tonight Show comic.
02:29:13.000 In my mind, all those things were for people who wanted to do seven clean minutes.
02:29:17.000 I was a Kinnison guy.
02:29:19.000 I liked Kenison.
02:29:20.000 I liked Dice.
02:29:23.000 I liked Richard Pryor.
02:29:25.000 I didn't want to be that kind of squeaky clean comic.
02:29:27.000 So to me, Howard Stern was like this Groundbreaker.
02:29:32.000 Like, he was like the first guy to ever just do an all-talk show on regular radio, right?
02:29:37.000 I mean, he used to do songs, he used to play records, but then it became just the stuff in between the records was even better, and then it became all that.
02:29:46.000 And when I was a kid, I mean, I had heard, like, there were some funny shows in Boston back in the day when they had real DJs and shit like that, but I had always heard about Stern, you know?
02:29:55.000 And then once I first started listening to him, And it was like he was on in Boston as well.
02:30:01.000 And I was thinking, like, that's the holy grail.
02:30:06.000 When you get there, especially then, back in the day when he was on, like, regular radio and everybody was listening, it was like, you know, you'd get, like, 18 million people listening to his show. 0.98
02:30:14.000 Fucking crazy. 0.81
02:30:15.000 There's nothing ever like that before or since. 0.99
02:30:17.000 No, and I used to, I worked in my dad's shop.
02:30:19.000 My dad had a forklift repair shop, and I'd have to fucking work there every summer.
02:30:23.000 And I remember starting at like 12 years old, I started listening to Stern. 0.98
02:30:27.000 He was on like the radio here in LA in the mornings, and I would be so bummed when those four hours were over, and then I'd have to listen to whoever fucking dickhead was on after, like whatever fake nonsense radio. 0.97
02:30:36.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:30:37.000 And then like, Butt Bongo Fiesta came out.
02:30:40.000 Remember that?
02:30:41.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:30:41.000 That was the shit. 1.00
02:30:42.000 And they had like the, you know, the KKK guy. 1.00
02:30:45.000 Yeah.
02:30:46.000 Oh, that stuff was so, it was so radical.
02:30:48.000 It was so funny.
02:30:48.000 Yeah.
02:30:49.000 Remember Private Parts?
02:30:50.000 Of course.
02:30:50.000 I've seen it a million times.
02:30:52.000 Yeah.
02:30:52.000 You know, to me, too, he also represented this fight against the suppressive free speech of the right-wing people that were in power at the time because the FCC went after him in a huge way.
02:31:02.000 They were fining his station hundreds of thousands of dollars for doing potty jokes or something like that and talking about penises. 0.72
02:31:09.000 They would attack them and literally fine them hundreds of thousands of dollars. 0.91
02:31:14.000 It was a direct assault on free speech because it wasn't even words that they were saying.
02:31:19.000 Right.
02:31:19.000 It wasn't even forbidden words.
02:31:20.000 It was like topics.
02:31:21.000 They were deciding what people could and couldn't say. 1.00
02:31:23.000 And he was, for all of us who were comics, he was at the front of the line of that shit. 0.99
02:31:29.000 I mean, he was the guy that was taking the hits. 0.99
02:31:32.000 And in a lot of ways, it boosted him, you know, because everybody was aware that he was, like, being attacked and people were outraged.
02:31:38.000 Yeah.
02:31:39.000 But it represented when Bush was in office, when Bush was the president.
02:31:43.000 And we were all kind of freaked out by that this was happening.
02:31:46.000 You know, this guy who was this really funny guy, they were deciding he was a criminal.
02:31:51.000 And they were fining his station hundreds of thousands of dollars.
02:31:55.000 For what?
02:31:56.000 For making people laugh?
02:31:57.000 So crazy.
02:31:59.000 Yeah, so for me, it just represented so much.
02:32:02.000 It was just so, it was so crazy.
02:32:04.000 It was just, that was the most nervous I've ever been in my life.
02:32:08.000 The night before I did it, and actually I did yoga.
02:32:11.000 The night before I did it, I did yoga in my hotel room to calm myself down, and it worked.
02:32:15.000 Yeah?
02:32:16.000 Yeah, I was super calm.
02:32:18.000 Dude, that would be like, I would love, I would love to do that.
02:32:21.000 It'll probably happen.
02:32:22.000 Oh, man.
02:32:23.000 Do-do-do-do-do.
02:32:26.000 What about...
02:32:26.000 What was I going to say?
02:32:27.000 Oh, I forgot now.
02:32:30.000 I don't know.
02:32:31.000 Got mommy brain. 1.00
02:32:32.000 Yeah, I got...
02:32:33.000 Mommy brain's a real thing. 1.00
02:32:34.000 Yeah, for sure.
02:32:35.000 It totally changed.
02:32:36.000 I don't sleep through the night anymore.
02:32:38.000 I wake up all night.
02:32:39.000 You hear things too, right?
02:32:40.000 Like, what?
02:32:40.000 What's going on?
02:32:41.000 Everything okay?
02:32:41.000 I sense everything, man.
02:32:43.000 My spidey senses are always on as a mother.
02:32:46.000 Imagine.
02:32:46.000 I don't know what's up.
02:32:47.000 Get a little human you made with your own body. 1.00
02:32:49.000 It's fucking bananas. 1.00
02:32:51.000 I don't know why women act like it's not the biggest deal in the world. 1.00
02:32:53.000 It is the craziest thing in the world.
02:32:55.000 What women act like it's not the biggest deal? 1.00
02:32:57.000 I feel like it's very normal for some people.
02:33:00.000 Really?
02:33:01.000 I feel like we need to be blown away by it constantly, and we're just not blown away by it enough.
02:33:06.000 Well, you know what?
02:33:06.000 You don't have a 50-hour-a-week day job.
02:33:11.000 A dickhead for a husband. 0.99
02:33:12.000 You know what I mean? 1.00
02:33:13.000 Oh, right.
02:33:13.000 Maybe that's why.
02:33:14.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:33:14.000 I mean, for those women, like, yeah, fucking kid's still alive. 1.00
02:33:17.000 Guess I gotta feed it. 1.00
02:33:21.000 I don't know.
02:33:22.000 I mean, I think the experience is different depending on what kind of relationship you have with your partner, you know?
02:33:27.000 Yeah, definitely. 0.99
02:33:28.000 Partner sounds like you have a gay girlfriend. 0.99
02:33:30.000 My gay partner. 0.99
02:33:31.000 Yeah, right?
02:33:31.000 You can't say partner.
02:33:32.000 A guy said that to me about his girlfriend once.
02:33:35.000 Well, you know, me and my partner, we've been living together for a while.
02:33:37.000 I'm like, what?
02:33:38.000 Your partner?
02:33:39.000 Your partner. 1.00
02:33:39.000 That's a homosexual. 1.00
02:33:41.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:33:42.000 He was calling his wife his partner. 1.00
02:33:43.000 Yeah, that's stupid. 1.00
02:33:44.000 That's only for gays. 1.00
02:33:45.000 That's not for... 0.99
02:33:45.000 Are you a partner in crime? 0.99
02:33:46.000 Are you guys criminals? 0.94
02:33:47.000 Like, what do you... 0.83
02:33:48.000 You're your business partner? 1.00
02:33:50.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00
02:33:52.000 It was just such a weird way of describing it, my partner. 1.00
02:33:54.000 Monroe for Too Close for Comfort?
02:33:56.000 She put a strap-on on you, bro.
02:33:58.000 We were watching As Good As It Gets last night and Greg Kinnear.
02:34:02.000 I hated that movie.
02:34:03.000 Oh, really?
02:34:04.000 I love it.
02:34:04.000 The movie made me angry.
02:34:05.000 What part made you the angriest? 0.96
02:34:07.000 Because he's a racist and they're going to fix it with a pill. 0.98
02:34:10.000 Oh, right, yeah. 1.00
02:34:11.000 It was so stupid. 1.00
02:34:11.000 It was so fucking stupid. 1.00
02:34:13.000 She seemed like this really sweet woman who had a kid and Jack Nicholson was this old cunt and that's as good as it gets? 1.00
02:34:18.000 What kind of fucking message is that for people? 1.00
02:34:21.000 Like, this is so stupid. 1.00
02:34:22.000 I never thought of it that way. 1.00
02:34:23.000 And the writing was so dumb. 0.99
02:34:25.000 I was like, oh, you're gonna fix his racism with a pill? 1.00
02:34:27.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
02:34:29.000 That is so stupid. 1.00
02:34:30.000 Like, oh, I'm all better now. 1.00
02:34:32.000 I don't hate spics. 1.00
02:34:33.000 Like, fuck off. 1.00
02:34:35.000 Fucking stupid movie. 1.00
02:34:37.000 I hated that movie. 1.00
02:34:39.000 Like, this poor lady, she seems so nice. 0.53
02:34:42.000 Like, maybe find a nice guy who's sweet to you.
02:34:45.000 I never thought of it that way. 1.00
02:34:46.000 She just settles for this old, shitty, racist creepo who needs to take drugs to make him somewhat normal. 1.00
02:34:53.000 Yeah, he takes drugs to make him not a racist. 1.00
02:34:55.000 It's the stupidest idea ever. 1.00
02:34:57.000 And he kind of manipulates her by sending the doctor over to care for her child. 1.00
02:35:01.000 She has no money. 1.00
02:35:03.000 As good as it gets.
02:35:04.000 This is not as good as it gets.
02:35:07.000 Hang in there, sweetie.
02:35:09.000 You can get better.
02:35:10.000 You can do a lot better.
02:35:12.000 That was pre-Tinder.
02:35:14.000 Jack Nicholson, though.
02:35:15.000 She couldn't swipe right. 0.99
02:35:16.000 She could not swipe, no.
02:35:18.000 There was no swiping back then, bro. 0.99
02:35:19.000 You just gotta find some other nice dad, and your kid gets along with their kid, and you have another fucking Brady Bunch type deal. 0.99
02:35:25.000 That's right. 0.99
02:35:25.000 That's right. 0.99
02:35:26.000 He could have done that.
02:35:27.000 This is the story of a man named Brady.
02:35:32.000 What's her name?
02:35:32.000 Alice just died, right?
02:35:34.000 Yeah.
02:35:34.000 Who's alive still?
02:35:36.000 Dad died of AIDS, right?
02:35:37.000 That was bananas, right?
02:35:38.000 When you found out the dad was actually taken in the keister.
02:35:41.000 Had no idea.
02:35:43.000 Oh, so anyway, Greg Kinnear's character, his parents disown him because he's gay. 1.00
02:35:46.000 And last night, Tom was like, can you believe this shit? 1.00
02:35:49.000 This is like, what, 20 years ago? 1.00
02:35:51.000 Yeah.
02:35:51.000 That was considered a thing, that you would disown your child.
02:35:54.000 Oh, yeah.
02:35:54.000 It probably still is a thing.
02:35:56.000 Oh, yes, it is.
02:35:56.000 But I'm saying it's way less.
02:35:57.000 Like Kansas and shit? 0.99
02:35:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
02:35:59.000 South Dakota, they fucking kill you. 1.00
02:36:00.000 Of course. 1.00
02:36:01.000 They kill you. 1.00
02:36:02.000 They hunt you. 1.00
02:36:04.000 Fuck you, Rogan. 1.00
02:36:05.000 We're normal now. 1.00
02:36:07.000 We have the internet.
02:36:08.000 I'm kidding, folks.
02:36:09.000 I run out of things to say.
02:36:10.000 I freeball.
02:36:11.000 They bow hunt.
02:36:12.000 Yeah.
02:36:13.000 The queers. 1.00
02:36:14.000 The bow hunting queers? 1.00
02:36:15.000 Is that what you guys do?
02:36:17.000 The hunting? 1.00
02:36:19.000 Hunt the gays? 0.99
02:36:20.000 No, no. 1.00
02:36:21.000 The gays aren't edible. 1.00
02:36:22.000 They're I was reading this thing about cannibals. 0.99
02:36:34.000 It's a weird thing to say, right?
02:36:35.000 I guess you had to dance around.
02:36:36.000 You couldn't be like, this is my boyfriend, my girlfriend.
02:36:40.000 No, it was his wife.
02:36:41.000 He was calling her his partner. 1.00
02:36:46.000 People are so fucked up. 1.00
02:36:47.000 Well, I must think that a guy like that is so programmed by liberal sensibilities that he wants to put her on equal ground. 1.00
02:36:55.000 It's not my wife. 0.57
02:36:56.000 I don't own her.
02:36:57.000 She's my partner.
02:36:58.000 We're in this together.
02:37:01.000 Totally drinking the Kool-Aid. 1.00
02:37:03.000 All these bitch-made men. 1.00
02:37:05.000 There's so many just bitch-made men out there that just wearing slippery shoes and walking around with tight pants on. 1.00
02:37:12.000 They can't take a punch. 1.00
02:37:13.000 They're just barely getting through life.
02:37:15.000 Let's talk about this.
02:37:16.000 Barely men.
02:37:16.000 They're barely men.
02:37:17.000 You know what?
02:37:18.000 It's so funny because Tommy yesterday, he goes, you know what, Christina?
02:37:21.000 You're like a 1930s man.
02:37:23.000 Because I'm so... 1.00
02:37:25.000 A cigar in a corner of your mouth reading the paper, these fucking faggots. 1.00
02:37:30.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:37:33.000 Well, you know, because I'm a little traditional.
02:37:35.000 I actually am very traditional about this kind of stuff. 0.99
02:37:38.000 Look, the truth of it is, the fucking guy wearing the string bracelets and the thumb ring and the ponytail and your chakra alignment and the reiki, that's just a fucking thing for him to get laid. 1.00
02:37:48.000 At the end of the day, he's just trying to convince you to fuck him. 1.00
02:37:52.000 Well, he's just trying to play the spiritual angle. 1.00
02:37:55.000 That's right.
02:37:55.000 Yeah.
02:37:56.000 That's his game.
02:37:57.000 Well, this is what I was saying on stage last night.
02:37:58.000 You know, I did Jeremiah Watkins show.
02:38:00.000 You ever do that show?
02:38:01.000 No, I have to.
02:38:02.000 I hear it so fun. 0.99
02:38:03.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.99
02:38:03.000 Stand up on the spot. 0.99
02:38:04.000 Yeah.
02:38:04.000 Just make up things.
02:38:05.000 People yell things out at you.
02:38:06.000 But one of the things I was saying, we were talking about male feminists.
02:38:09.000 Somehow the subject came up.
02:38:10.000 And I was saying, if you could give any one of those guys a pill, they would turn them into that Thor dude, that Chris Helmsworth dude.
02:38:16.000 They would all take it!
02:38:17.000 Thor, the most powerful.
02:38:18.000 100% of them.
02:38:19.000 Yeah.
02:38:20.000 Yeah.
02:38:20.000 And then they would just be themselves.
02:38:22.000 They wouldn't have to, like, I was talking about this tweet that I read that literally made me want to punch my fist through the fucking laptop. 0.98
02:38:29.000 This guy said, I'm not calling myself a feminist until women tell me I'm doing feminism correctly. 1.00
02:38:35.000 Like, he's just like literally cutting off his dick and offering it on a platter. 1.00
02:38:39.000 I don't need this. 1.00
02:38:39.000 I'm not about that. 1.00
02:38:40.000 I'm spiritual.
02:38:41.000 Well, and here's the truth of, I mean, at least for me, I appreciate when a man is down for the cause.
02:38:47.000 Like, I get that.
02:38:49.000 But it's not sexually, it's not attractive to date a guy that's like a girl. 0.99
02:38:54.000 For me, personally.
02:38:55.000 I like men. 0.98
02:38:57.000 Sexist.
02:38:58.000 Totally, 100%.
02:38:59.000 Are you sexist?
02:38:59.000 Yeah, probably.
02:39:00.000 I don't know what I am.
02:39:01.000 It's okay to grow and be sexist.
02:39:03.000 I don't even know.
02:39:04.000 I feel like it's okay for a girl to want traditional gender roles. 0.83
02:39:08.000 It's very suppressive if a guy wants them.
02:39:11.000 That's the thought process.
02:39:12.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.
02:39:13.000 Yeah, because we have the option to be the stay-at-home mom or the career lady.
02:39:17.000 But if you want a guy to be a man, that's okay.
02:39:21.000 But if a man... 0.99
02:39:22.000 I like a woman who just shuts the fuck up and lets me bang her. 1.00
02:39:25.000 Right, right. 0.99
02:39:25.000 People are like, what? 0.99
02:39:27.000 Right, you're considered a piece of shit. 1.00
02:39:28.000 But a girl can say, I like a guy who just grabs me by my hair and fucks my mouth. 1.00
02:39:32.000 Right. 0.99
02:39:33.000 And you're like, whoa.
02:39:33.000 And you're like, whoa, she's so empowered.
02:39:35.000 Ha ha! 0.86
02:39:36.000 Wow, there's a lady that, she's not slut-shamed. 1.00
02:39:40.000 Yeah, she could be herself. 0.98
02:39:42.000 I don't know.
02:39:42.000 I don't know.
02:39:43.000 I don't know.
02:39:43.000 You know what?
02:39:44.000 I don't know.
02:39:44.000 I think all of our issues stem, the real issue, all of our issues stem from actual sexism, actual discrimination.
02:39:52.000 If we didn't have that, if we just had people judged on the merits of their behavior and their character and what they're capable of...
02:40:03.000 That's one of the things about the stand-up comedy world.
02:40:06.000 Maybe audience members, you would be able to tell much more than I would.
02:40:11.000 I definitely think that some guys see a girl go up and they go, oh, what is she funny?
02:40:17.000 That was the whole environment I came up in.
02:40:20.000 For sure.
02:40:20.000 Arms folded.
02:40:21.000 Who the fuck is this girl going to be funny? 1.00
02:40:23.000 Great. 0.99
02:40:23.000 How long is she up for? 0.99
02:40:24.000 15 minutes? 0.88
02:40:25.000 Maybe I should take a piss.
02:40:26.000 100%.
02:40:26.000 Go to the bar.
02:40:29.000 But in the world of comics, it's very egalitarian.
02:40:33.000 If you kill, you're a comic, right?
02:40:36.000 Nobody in the comedy world looks at Ally Wong as a girl.
02:40:40.000 She's amazing.
02:40:41.000 She's just a comic. 1.00
02:40:42.000 She happens to be a girl, but she's just a killer, right? 0.99
02:40:47.000 That's how everybody looks at her. 0.86
02:40:48.000 There's like...
02:40:50.000 There's like a level of the video game that you get to where you slot into, oh, this is a peer. 0.95
02:40:57.000 She's a killer. 1.00
02:40:58.000 And that's an interesting thing about the world of comedy. 1.00
02:41:01.000 When you're a killer, people think of you as a killer. 1.00
02:41:04.000 It doesn't matter if you have a vagina or a penis, if you're gay, if you're straight, if you're murdering it, you're in that group. 1.00
02:41:10.000 Right, it's the great leveler, right? 1.00
02:41:13.000 Yeah, it's very true.
02:41:15.000 Yeah, because nobody can hold your hand for you once you get up there.
02:41:18.000 No, no, and it's a very ballsy thing to do, and either you fail and you fail hard, or you succeed and you succeed hard.
02:41:25.000 There's no middle ground. 0.98
02:41:27.000 But I definitely think women have a way harder go at it, because I think that sexual topics, you either are the slut, like you were saying before, or they're weird. 1.00
02:41:37.000 Because if you're just a regular woman and you're talking to these strangers about how you like your asshole licked and you're really embarrassed about it, people are like, what the fuck? 1.00
02:41:46.000 And girls will get mad at you. 1.00
02:41:48.000 If you're attractive, girls will get mad at you because their husband's laughing. 0.96
02:41:51.000 You think that's funny? 0.99
02:41:52.000 She's gross. 1.00
02:41:53.000 She's disgusting. 1.00
02:41:54.000 And then politics are almost off level. 1.00
02:41:57.000 Forget it.
02:41:58.000 People will get mad at you.
02:41:59.000 They will get mad at you if you're a Trump supporter and you're a woman and you're on stage and there's a bunch of people in the audience that are liberals, they'll get mad.
02:42:08.000 Forget it. 0.98
02:42:08.000 If you're a liberal on stage and there's Trump supporters in the audience and you start shitting on Trump, they'll get mad at you. 0.98
02:42:13.000 Stick to the jokes. 0.98
02:42:15.000 Stop with the politics.
02:42:16.000 Stick to the jokes.
02:42:17.000 Yeah.
02:42:18.000 Well, what I've noticed is that, at least, here's my thing.
02:42:22.000 I have hope for the millennials.
02:42:24.000 I think they're changing how comedy is consumed, the podcasting world, its millennials, the early adapters.
02:42:32.000 Right.
02:42:50.000 Well, don't you think there's...
02:42:51.000 I'd like to think...
02:42:53.000 I'm not a millennial, but I'd like to think there's less sexism.
02:42:56.000 Yeah.
02:42:56.000 No...
02:42:57.000 It's less accepted.
02:42:58.000 Yeah.
02:42:58.000 I mean, when I started featuring, I literally called the club in the Midwest, and I was on Chelsea lately.
02:43:04.000 I go, hey, can I do your room?
02:43:06.000 Can I headline?
02:43:07.000 Or even just feature.
02:43:08.000 No, feature.
02:43:08.000 Well, you know, Christine and I have already booked two women this year.
02:43:11.000 Whoa.
02:43:12.000 Whoa.
02:43:12.000 Yeah.
02:43:13.000 The whole year.
02:43:14.000 The whole year, guys.
02:43:15.000 That's it.
02:43:15.000 We're done.
02:43:16.000 52 weeks, 50 of them. 0.99
02:43:17.000 Yeah, and I was like, wow, I'm never going to do your fucking club again. 0.99
02:43:20.000 But, you know, I heard shit like that the whole time coming up. 0.99
02:43:23.000 We already booked two women. 1.00
02:43:24.000 Imagine if that was with a guy.
02:43:26.000 Oh my God.
02:43:26.000 Imagine if guys, it was that hard to get into comedy.
02:43:30.000 I already booked two dudes. 0.97
02:43:32.000 We only have so many swinging dicks. 1.00
02:43:34.000 I know. 1.00
02:43:34.000 But again, with that feminism shit, I try not to look at the problems of the world. 1.00
02:43:41.000 I try to fucking transcend it. 1.00
02:43:43.000 I used to be so much angrier at feminism and all this shit when I was in my 30s. 1.00
02:43:47.000 And now I'm just like, you know what? 0.99
02:43:49.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99
02:43:50.000 I don't care what society wants me to be or what the fucking rules are. 1.00
02:43:53.000 I don't care. 1.00
02:43:54.000 Fuck you. 1.00
02:43:55.000 Life is too short for me to even worry about what this person thinks or society is thinking. 1.00
02:44:00.000 Well, I think that what you're seeing on college campuses where people are super radical, left-wing, progressive, and I think you're seeing that with young people as well.
02:44:08.000 I think people are just trying to work out the world.
02:44:12.000 And sometimes they work out the world by assuming some sort of a behavior pattern.
02:44:18.000 And that behavior pattern could be right-wing or it could be left-wing.
02:44:21.000 I mean, it could be feminist. 1.00
02:44:22.000 It could be, you know, whatever.
02:44:24.000 They could be genderqueer.
02:44:25.000 They'll try that out for a while.
02:44:26.000 I'm going to shave half my head and wear a nose ring.
02:44:28.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:44:29.000 Say fuck cisgendered men, and they're like, people get weird. 1.00
02:44:32.000 Yeah, that's true. 1.00
02:44:33.000 And they just assume these patterns and try them out for a while, almost like dressing punk rock, you know?
02:44:39.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:44:39.000 Start wearing Doc Martens and rolling your jeans up, you know?
02:44:41.000 Oh, I love that time.
02:44:42.000 Yeah.
02:44:42.000 I was really good at that.
02:44:44.000 Did you do that?
02:44:44.000 That was my lane.
02:44:45.000 I was punk as fuck, dude. 0.99
02:44:46.000 Were you? 1.00
02:44:46.000 Goth and punk for real. 1.00
02:44:48.000 Any weird piercings in the face?
02:44:49.000 Did you do the nose or the lips?
02:44:52.000 No, the jeans.
02:44:52.000 No, I was too sensible, because I knew that I'd have a hole in my face.
02:44:56.000 Ooh, you're always sensible.
02:44:57.000 I was so controlled, yeah. 0.94
02:44:59.000 I only have one shitty tattoo. 0.92
02:45:01.000 I got a tramp stamp in the 90s on road rules. 0.99
02:45:03.000 Do you think that control thing was because your mom was nuts? 0.95
02:45:08.000 Yeah. 0.95
02:45:09.000 Yeah.
02:45:10.000 My world was out of control, so I was like, I have to be responsible.
02:45:14.000 I was the one that was responsible from the time I was, you know, a little, little kid.
02:45:18.000 I grew up fast.
02:45:19.000 That makes sense.
02:45:20.000 The parentified child, as they say.
02:45:25.000 You find that a lot.
02:45:26.000 It's interesting.
02:45:27.000 I have this dilemma.
02:45:28.000 I've talked about this with Brian Callan and a lot of my friends that are dads. 0.98
02:45:32.000 It's like, all my interesting friends came from fucked up childhoods. 0.97
02:45:36.000 But I don't want that for my kids. 0.98
02:45:38.000 No.
02:45:38.000 Right, so what is that?
02:45:39.000 All my favorite people came from fucked up childhoods. 0.99
02:45:43.000 Game recognized game, son. 0.99
02:45:45.000 You know what I'm saying?
02:45:46.000 Yeah, but it's because your wires or whatever crossed a certain way, same way, similarly.
02:45:52.000 But you don't want to fuck up your...
02:45:53.000 I have the same dilemma, believe me. 0.98
02:45:55.000 I don't want my son...
02:45:55.000 Then again, I'd be super thrilled if my son grew up and was like, I'd love...
02:45:58.000 I'm going to be an accountant.
02:45:59.000 I'm just going to be normal.
02:46:01.000 Would you?
02:46:01.000 Yep.
02:46:01.000 I don't want him to be in show business.
02:46:03.000 Like, this is craziness.
02:46:05.000 Yeah.
02:46:06.000 This business is not for normal people.
02:46:08.000 Especially the avenue that you've carved.
02:46:10.000 Stand up?
02:46:11.000 Yeah.
02:46:11.000 What do you mean, you two?
02:46:12.000 Yeah, we've carved.
02:46:14.000 Horrible.
02:46:15.000 It's crazy.
02:46:16.000 It's bananas.
02:46:16.000 And I was just, I mean, when I look back on who we started with like 14 years ago and the attrition rate, I mean, there's no reason.
02:46:25.000 It's just bananas that we can even make a living at this.
02:46:27.000 Like, there's no reason I should be.
02:46:29.000 You know what I'm saying?
02:46:31.000 It's crazy. 0.97
02:46:33.000 Well, it's one thing that, you know, you start off and you suck, and you keep working at it, and you suck less, and then you start getting laughs, and then you start doing better, and then you start working, and then you keep building, and you keep moving, as long as you keep moving. 0.74
02:46:46.000 And sometimes you'll have some setbacks, like probably you when you were doing Chelsea lately, and me when I was doing news radio, and, you know, and you just... 0.98
02:46:53.000 If you can get back on the horse, get back moving, you can pick it up and next thing you know, you got a motherfucking Netflix special! 0.99
02:47:00.000 Oh shit, it's out right now! 1.00
02:47:02.000 Oh shit, right there! 1.00
02:47:05.000 Mother Inferior! 1.00
02:47:06.000 It's available right now!
02:47:08.000 And we'll wrap it up with this.
02:47:09.000 Mother Inferior, available for streaming.
02:47:12.000 Screaming and streaming.
02:47:14.000 Both.
02:47:14.000 Right now.
02:47:15.000 God damn it. 0.99
02:47:16.000 Christina Pazitsky, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99
02:47:18.000 And make sure you watch and listen to Your Mom's House.
02:47:21.000 Fantastic podcast.
02:47:23.000 Yes.
02:47:24.000 And let's do this more often.
02:47:25.000 Thank you so much for having me.
02:47:26.000 My pleasure, my friend.
02:47:27.000 Super fun.
02:47:27.000 Thank you.
02:47:28.000 I enjoyed it, too.
02:47:29.000 All right, folks.
02:47:29.000 We'll see you soon.
02:47:30.000 Bye!
02:47:31.000 Bye!
02:47:33.000 OMG, we did it!