The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1024 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:00.000 I just do a podcast say, I sound like Joe Rogan, but I'm not.

00:00:04.000 Just totally same voice, everything.

00:00:11.000 Hello, everybody.

00:00:11.000 I'm live here with super yogi Burt Kreischer, newly sober athlete, resting heart rate of 47?

00:00:19.000 47. That's pretty crazy, man.

00:00:21.000 I called my cardiologist right after I talked to you guys.

00:00:23.000 Am I dying?

00:00:24.000 I literally was like, hey, Joe Rogan said I'm dying.

00:00:27.000 And he's like, first of all, he's like, I respect Joe Rogan, but please don't listen to him about your blood pressure medicine.

00:00:33.000 But I read somewhere that blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medicine lowers your heart rate.

00:00:39.000 Yes, those are beta blockers.

00:00:41.000 Yeah.

00:00:41.000 I'm not on that.

00:00:42.000 Oh, okay.

00:00:43.000 By the way, I spiraled out, and I couldn't get my heart rate up as I was spiraling.

00:00:47.000 So I was like, I'm freaking out normally.

00:00:49.000 My heart pulse would be through the roof.

00:00:51.000 I called my doctor.

00:00:52.000 He's like, no, you're healthy.

00:00:53.000 He's like, this is what we've been shooting for, is you to stop drinking.

00:00:56.000 So he's like, let's just do what you're doing.

00:00:58.000 He's like, have a good time with it.

00:01:00.000 And so...

00:01:01.000 But yeah, my resting heart rate's low. 0.99

00:01:03.000 I've never felt better in my fucking life to be dead serious with you. 0.98

00:01:06.000 How many days in are you? 0.99

00:01:07.000 12 days, right?

00:01:08.000 We're 12 days in?

00:01:09.000 Say the 12th?

00:01:09.000 I'm one day ahead of that because I quit the day before.

00:01:12.000 I quit the day before because I listened to you guys and all the fucking armchair doctors who were like, Bert, you're gonna die. 0.99

00:01:18.000 You need to be medically induced into a coma. 0.99

00:01:20.000 Well, you were telling us that you were drinking six doubles a day. 0.99

00:01:23.000 By the way, I talk out of my ass when I'm drunk, so I don't know how much I was really drinking, because I was definitely terrified. 0.97

00:01:32.000 I was definitely terrified coming into the home stretch of getting sober, because I was like, man, am I going to die? 0.99

00:01:40.000 And I talked to Dr. Drew about it, and I was like, hey, can I die and stuff?

00:01:44.000 And he was like, well, you can have seizures. 0.99

00:01:46.000 Dr. Drew doesn't fucking help. 0.98

00:01:49.000 But I stopped drinking. 0.99

00:01:50.000 I didn't even have withdrawals.

00:01:52.000 It just felt good the next day.

00:01:53.000 That's amazing.

00:01:54.000 That's what killed Amy Winehouse, you know. 1.00

00:01:57.000 I've Googled all this shit. 0.99

00:01:58.000 But I think Amy Winehouse was just over the top. 1.00

00:02:01.000 You've got to be, the second you wake up, till the second you pass out drinking.

00:02:07.000 And by the way, on that Australian tour, there were hints of that.

00:02:12.000 I was flying and performing every night.

00:02:15.000 And I drank on planes.

00:02:16.000 I hadn't flown sober at that time.

00:02:18.000 But I've always been very measured with my booze, so I wasn't going nuts.

00:02:25.000 Did you feel good when you're doing that?

00:02:27.000 No.

00:02:27.000 How did you feel when you're drinking and flying?

00:02:29.000 You felt bad?

00:02:30.000 I actually felt really bad. 0.99

00:02:32.000 And I think we all tweeted this, but I was like, I was ready for this fucking month. 0.95

00:02:37.000 After that Australian tour, I was definitely ready. 0.94

00:02:41.000 That's a great way to go into not drinking, is fly to Australia, do a tour for two weeks, and then fly back.

00:02:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:02:46.000 I was like, fucking bring it, dude. 0.99

00:02:48.000 You know what, man? 0.99

00:02:48.000 I don't drink that much, but I feel way better, too. 0.99

00:02:51.000 It's weird.

00:02:52.000 It's like I would have maybe a shot before I go on stage some nights, but some nights not.

00:02:57.000 And then, you know, maybe someone go, you want a beer?

00:02:59.000 Yeah, I'll have a beer.

00:03:00.000 And they have one or two.

00:03:01.000 And then maybe I'd have a glass of wine with dinner.

00:03:04.000 So, you know, on a regular Friday night, I might have four drinks.

00:03:09.000 And now nothing for 12 days and no pot.

00:03:12.000 I went off the pot too.

00:03:13.000 I know.

00:03:13.000 Because Ari was giving me such a hard time.

00:03:15.000 You can't even quit.

00:03:16.000 Can't even quit pot. 1.00

00:03:17.000 You're an addict.

00:03:18.000 That's what addicts say. 1.00

00:03:19.000 And I was like, all right.

00:03:20.000 I told Tommy, I was like, I'm just going to quit and not tell them.

00:03:23.000 And then break it at the end of the month.

00:03:25.000 Like, it's easy.

00:03:26.000 The pot's been easy.

00:03:27.000 But the dreams have been different.

00:03:29.000 It is really interesting.

00:03:31.000 When you don't smoke pot, your dreams like wrap up.

00:03:35.000 It makes me think, like, what...

00:03:36.000 No, honestly, like, just completely objectively.

00:03:40.000 I mean, like, death can't be good to not be dreaming.

00:03:43.000 Like, probably something happening.

00:03:45.000 I was...

00:03:46.000 My first few days of not drinking, I couldn't get out of lucid dreaming.

00:03:51.000 And I was having intense lucid dreams, where I was well aware I was asleep, but I knew that if I could just...

00:03:58.000 But I knew that I was dreaming.

00:04:00.000 And I was like, don't get out of this, you're having fun.

00:04:02.000 Wow.

00:04:03.000 Yeah, but dreaming has been intense.

00:04:05.000 By the way, really my favorite thing is just sleeping good.

00:04:08.000 Like I'm waking up at 6 in the morning and going like...

00:04:11.000 Feel good.

00:04:12.000 Oh, that and man... 0.94

00:04:13.000 And by the way, I know that you're like, Bert, are you like a fucking uber fan of podcasters?

00:04:18.000 There's like a lot of people I have been introduced to through your podcast.

00:04:22.000 And like, Brandon Shaw is one of my favorite people.

00:04:24.000 I love that guy.

00:04:24.000 He's awesome.

00:04:25.000 And he gets coffee all the time.

00:04:26.000 Now, I look at that, that gives me panic. 0.99

00:04:29.000 When I see him get a coffee for the past year, I've been like, dude, how the fuck is he doing that? 0.97

00:04:34.000 What do you mean? 0.94

00:04:35.000 When I drink, I can't drink coffee because I start shaking.

00:04:38.000 I get way too blood sugary, like...

00:04:41.000 Really?

00:04:42.000 Yeah.

00:04:42.000 Just regular coffee?

00:04:43.000 I haven't had coffee.

00:04:44.000 I haven't had like a cup of coffee in probably like, maybe like eight months.

00:04:51.000 Now, what is it about coffee?

00:04:52.000 Do you put something in coffee?

00:04:54.000 No, it's just coffee.

00:04:55.000 Just black coffee?

00:04:56.000 Yeah, because my blood sugar is low from drinking.

00:04:59.000 I didn't sleep well.

00:05:00.000 I have a cup of coffee.

00:05:01.000 And then I would be like, how does Brendan take naps in the middle of the day?

00:05:05.000 I couldn't understand that.

00:05:06.000 Dude, I enjoy getting up and going to Starbucks and getting a coffee more than I ever enjoyed going to a bar.

00:05:12.000 Really?

00:05:12.000 It is, I get up and I feel like I'm part of the community.

00:05:15.000 I like, say hi to people.

00:05:16.000 We landed from that first sober flight I took, and I know that I'm going to sound like a child.

00:05:20.000 When we landed, it was me and Brendan Walsh was on my flight.

00:05:24.000 And he was like...

00:05:26.000 Just randomly?

00:05:26.000 He randomly was on my flight.

00:05:27.000 I'd talked to him through text the night before, and I was like, dude, I'll see you on the plane.

00:05:32.000 We got to LAX and he was like, yeah, I'm hitting up Sober October with you.

00:05:36.000 I'm not going to drink either.

00:05:37.000 And I was like, awesome, man.

00:05:38.000 Really?

00:05:39.000 Yeah.

00:05:39.000 I said this, and I've never said this.

00:05:41.000 I go, hey, do you want to get a cup of coffee?

00:05:44.000 And he was like, sure.

00:05:46.000 We both got coffees at like 10 in the morning at the airport.

00:05:48.000 And I was like, oh, I got a whole day ahead of me.

00:05:50.000 Like, I got coffee in me.

00:05:52.000 Like, dude, I had the funnest Sunday I've ever had.

00:05:55.000 When I got home that night, I was like, I won't be able to sleep.

00:05:57.000 I had a cup of coffee.

00:05:58.000 I went right to sleep.

00:05:59.000 Are you worried that...

00:06:03.000 Right now, you're in this really great place, right?

00:06:06.000 You're healthy, you're feeling good, you're sleeping good, but are you thinking that this is just a vacation from your other life, or are you changing your life?

00:06:14.000 My therapist, when this started, he said, do not do this challenge.

00:06:17.000 I think it's a really bad idea.

00:06:19.000 I was like, really?

00:06:19.000 He goes, yeah.

00:06:20.000 What kind of asshole therapist do you have? 1.00

00:06:21.000 I've heard this... 1.00

00:06:22.000 Christina was mad at him yesterday.

00:06:24.000 At my therapist?

00:06:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:06:25.000 What the fuck is this therapist telling him to... 1.00

00:06:28.000 Because she's got a good therapist that she really likes. 1.00

00:06:30.000 But I just don't...

00:06:32.000 Maybe your therapist doesn't trust you?

00:06:33.000 No, he said to me at one point...

00:06:37.000 He goes, so how are you feeling?

00:06:39.000 I said, good.

00:06:39.000 I'm not having any epiphany.

00:06:41.000 I wish I had an epiphany.

00:06:42.000 I don't have an epiphany.

00:06:44.000 I'm just enjoying it.

00:06:44.000 I'm really having a good time.

00:06:46.000 I was like, I don't know how I'm going to get back into drinking.

00:06:48.000 And he's like, that's why you shouldn't have done this.

00:06:50.000 If you want to quit drinking, you should have just done it for yourself.

00:06:52.000 You shouldn't have done it out of spite for Tom, Ari, and Joe...

00:06:56.000 Yeah, but it's not spite.

00:06:57.000 It's a fun little challenge. 0.99

00:06:58.000 Like, look, I don't want to do 15 fucking yoga classes in a month. 0.99

00:07:01.000 I'm loving yoga. 0.99

00:07:02.000 But we're doing it.

00:07:03.000 It's great.

00:07:04.000 But do you really want to have an obligation to have to do, you know, three a week?

00:07:08.000 Yeah.

00:07:08.000 Do you do it?

00:07:09.000 Are you really enjoying it?

00:07:10.000 Dude, I can only work in those parameters.

00:07:13.000 I can only work to the extremes.

00:07:15.000 Like, when we said no pot, no booze, I was like, I'm cool, because I'm not going to smoke pot if I'm not drinking booze.

00:07:19.000 I'm a teetotaler.

00:07:20.000 Like, I... I take things to an extreme because that's the way I can help compartmentalize things.

00:07:26.000 But I think my question was, like, at the end of this month, when November 1st rolls around, are you gonna just go get fucked up? 0.99

00:07:33.000 Well, obviously, yeah. 0.97

00:07:39.000 I'm going to be with Ari in New Orleans.

00:07:42.000 What are you guys doing in New Orleans?

00:07:43.000 We're doing the Impracticals. 0.58

00:07:44.000 I'm going on a cruise November 1st.

00:07:46.000 Oh, wow.

00:07:47.000 With Ari, Big J, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sarah Tiana.

00:07:49.000 We're all going to be on the cruise with the Impractical Jokers.

00:07:51.000 Those Impractical Jokers guys are killing it.

00:07:54.000 Dude, they did the Greek.

00:07:56.000 I saw.

00:07:57.000 6,000 people. 0.99

00:07:58.000 Fucking insane mobbed and I would love to have sat in the front row where they sat me and shit on their show But I can't man I would love as a comic to be like I'm better than this the men they forget up there and they have such great chemistry and they're Showing like inside clips and it's just a multimedia event. 0.99

00:08:16.000 Oh, so it's not like stand-up It's like a bunch of different stuff that they do like they show like Pranks they play on people? 0.99

00:08:22.000 No, they show more pictures from their childhood.

00:08:25.000 Because they've known each other forever.

00:08:28.000 Then when they were younger, they tell stories about them traveling together.

00:08:31.000 It actually is really a great show.

00:08:34.000 Imagine if Miu and Ari and Tom did a show at the store and we talked about Sober October.

00:08:39.000 Tom and I would have a bunch of stuff very quickly that we could talk about our hot yoga classes and Ari and all our texts.

00:08:45.000 One of my favorite things ever is when the eve of Sober October... 1.00

00:08:51.000 Ari's such a cunt. 1.00

00:08:53.000 He puts out all our texts privately that we haven't been sharing with you on Instagram. 1.00

00:08:58.000 And Tom goes, tell me that isn't giving you panic right now.

00:09:01.000 Because I don't know what I've said.

00:09:02.000 We've all been like, Joe's not quitting weed.

00:09:04.000 And then Ari managed this coup d'etat against you for pray for Joe. 0.96

00:09:09.000 Ari, look, I know Ari gets a lot of shit online and everyone's fucking with Ari, but I will tell you, this has been exponentially fun because of his involvement, because this is right in his little swing zone. 0.95

00:09:23.000 When you said, I'm not quitting weed, Ari then branched off to me and Tom. 0.99

00:09:29.000 He's like, gentlemen, get ready for the assault on Joe.

00:09:33.000 And both Tom and I were like, I don't think that's a good idea.

00:09:36.000 And Ari's like, no, it's happening.

00:09:37.000 I want you to get your comments ready.

00:09:39.000 I want them to send in.

00:09:40.000 We're going to workshop each other's comments.

00:09:41.000 I want you to be the first comments on this video that I post on this thing saying Joe's not taking part of Sober October.

00:09:47.000 So we're all sending it.

00:09:48.000 Tom, I love Tom to death. 0.99

00:09:49.000 He's such a cuck. 0.71

00:09:50.000 His first draft, Ari's like, this will not be working. 0.98

00:09:53.000 It's too pleasant to Joe.

00:09:55.000 Bert and I will rewrite this for you.

00:09:57.000 Well, Ari has been...

00:09:59.000 I think he's handling this the least.

00:10:03.000 He's struggling.

00:10:04.000 He's saying, this is harder for me than any of you, and I'm like, I think he's being serious.

00:10:08.000 I think he likes the marijuana for self-medication.

00:10:11.000 He does, and you know, he has set his life up, and I think if anyone looks at Ari from the outside in, he's setting his life up for him.

00:10:18.000 Yeah.

00:10:19.000 He's got a nice piece of cake.

00:10:21.000 Yeah.

00:10:21.000 Great apartment in East Village.

00:10:24.000 He's got all his friends.

00:10:25.000 They all go out every night.

00:10:29.000 And he's one of the funnest guys if you ever go to New York to just call him up and go, what's the plan for today?

00:10:34.000 And he's like, I don't know.

00:10:35.000 Let's get lost.

00:10:36.000 Let's go find some lobster somewhere.

00:10:38.000 But he's taking it seriously. 0.90

00:10:39.000 He got mad the other day when I was fucking with him and I sent that text saying that I listened to your podcast, Ari, and it seems you haven't been doing all the poses. 0.77

00:10:47.000 But good news is there's still plenty of days in the month to make up for the 15 different hot yoga classes. 0.99

00:10:54.000 And he took it seriously and got fucking super mad. 0.96

00:10:57.000 That struck panic in me. 0.95

00:10:58.000 If you had told me, hey, Bert, those ones don't count, but you can start over.

00:11:02.000 You still have 15 days. 1.00

00:11:03.000 I would have been like, fuck off. 1.00

00:11:04.000 Dude. 1.00

00:11:05.000 I was only fucking with them. 1.00

00:11:06.000 And then my second, I had a two-wing attack. 1.00

00:11:08.000 That was the first level.

00:11:10.000 And the second level was like, look, just go to classes and whatever things that you didn't do from the other classes, you can just redo them on the honor system.

00:11:19.000 We don't have to do the whole class. 0.96

00:11:20.000 Just stand around, like, I was totally fucking with him, but he took it seriously. 0.89

00:11:25.000 He's also by himself in this, I feel like. 0.97

00:11:27.000 Like, he's in New York.

00:11:28.000 Yeah.

00:11:28.000 So, like...

00:11:29.000 Well, text messages are weird, man.

00:11:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:32.000 It's not a good way to fuck with people. 1.00

00:11:34.000 Because, you know, you look at it, is this motherfucker serious? 1.00

00:11:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:37.000 And you, like, look at it and go, no, listen, asshole, we're all professional comedians, and you're the rudest one out of all of us. 1.00

00:11:44.000 He said he hoped you Ralphied. 1.00

00:11:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:46.000 Yeah.

00:11:49.000 I didn't understand the context.

00:11:50.000 I go, I hope you're Ralphie too?

00:11:52.000 And he was like, no, I hope you're Ralphie. 0.56

00:11:54.000 And I was like, oh, you want me to die? 1.00

00:11:55.000 Yeah, what the fuck? 1.00

00:11:56.000 Oh, fuck, Ari! 1.00

00:11:59.000 He is the most flame-throwing, burn-the-bridge-down kind of guy. 1.00

00:12:04.000 That's awesome.

00:12:05.000 Yeah.

00:12:06.000 He's hilarious.

00:12:07.000 But I think that one of the things that stinks, and I wish this had been part of the bet, I wish it had stayed in.

00:12:11.000 I wish you had gotten him that yellow Corvette.

00:12:13.000 Yeah.

00:12:14.000 And I wish that he had stayed in L.A. this entire month and been able to have been a part of it, because there is a communal...

00:12:19.000 Yeah.

00:12:19.000 Like today, you're like, hey, podcast at 1.30, you want to go to yoga at 10.30?

00:12:23.000 And I was like, fuck, I've got a meeting at 10. But I would have loved that. 0.97

00:12:26.000 Yeah.

00:12:26.000 And I love Tom will text me and go...

00:12:29.000 It's the fun littleness of this competition.

00:12:33.000 Tom's like, hey, I can only go to 4.30.

00:12:36.000 Are you going to 12.30?

00:12:37.000 And I'm like, yeah.

00:12:37.000 And then Tom will be like, well, Bert's a no-show.

00:12:39.000 I'm like, asshole. 1.00

00:12:42.000 Everyone look at the distilleries, the donut factories. 1.00

00:12:45.000 The video was hilarious.

00:12:49.000 Check all the hamburger joints.

00:12:51.000 He is, by the way. 0.96

00:12:53.000 Everyone's having fun fucking with each other, but honestly, I think Ari's taking it seriously. 0.99

00:12:58.000 All that pray for Joe, Joe's a weed addict, didn't bother me. 0.99

00:13:01.000 I thought it was funny.

00:13:02.000 I was laughing.

00:13:03.000 I reposted a lot of it.

00:13:04.000 Oh, that was the biggest...

00:13:06.000 Dude, I went on stage in D.C. that first night, and people were like, we should take a moment of silence.

00:13:13.000 And I was like, yeah, let's take a moment of silence.

00:13:14.000 Everyone bowed their head and we prayed for you. 0.98

00:13:15.000 It was so much fucking fun. 0.99

00:13:19.000 Meanwhile, not smoking weed for 11 days is one of the fucking easiest things I've ever done in my life. 0.97

00:13:24.000 It's not hard at all. 0.94

00:13:26.000 I just don't smoke pot.

00:13:27.000 It's not like, wow, how will I go on?

00:13:30.000 I've been having some great sets.

00:13:32.000 Sets have been fun.

00:13:33.000 I've done probably in the 12 nights, I've probably done like 8 or 9 sets.

00:13:39.000 Those are the most sets I've done no weed ever.

00:13:43.000 Really?

00:13:44.000 Yeah, like since I started smoking pot like 20 years ago.

00:13:48.000 For real.

00:13:49.000 I did spots at the store the other night, and I had great, I had stone sober.

00:13:55.000 And you know what's so funny is I have a lot of apologies to issue on this podcast.

00:14:00.000 Do you?

00:14:01.000 There's a lot of things that I said when we were drinking that I then did and went, oh, I guess I was a little wrong about that.

00:14:09.000 Like what?

00:14:10.000 Like, number one is I don't drink on stage.

00:14:11.000 Like, I didn't realize that there's a difference between not drinking on stage and having a drink with you on stage.

00:14:16.000 There's a little bit of a comfort level knowing I can kill this drink and I don't have to deal with this.

00:14:21.000 Like, and that first night, that Saturday night, I went on with no booze for both shows.

00:14:26.000 And on that late show, I was like, oh, I could use a cocktail.

00:14:28.000 And I definitely drink on stage.

00:14:30.000 Like, I was like, I wouldn't mind a cocktail right now.

00:14:33.000 So you were thinking before that you didn't drink on stage?

00:14:35.000 I say, I go, and it's the truth is I don't mind performing sober.

00:14:38.000 I enjoy it.

00:14:39.000 But I would say, like, if you had said, so do you get drunk on stage?

00:14:43.000 I'd be like, no, never.

00:14:43.000 But I definitely bring drinks on stage with me.

00:14:46.000 Right.

00:14:47.000 Like, if you had a breathalyzer test, like, if being on stage was driving, would you get arrested?

00:14:53.000 Uh, yeah.

00:14:54.000 Yeah.

00:14:55.000 So you drink on stage?

00:14:56.000 Yeah, I definitely drink on stage.

00:14:58.000 That's number one apology issued.

00:15:00.000 Number two is treadmills are not real running.

00:15:02.000 No.

00:15:03.000 I told you.

00:15:05.000 Dude, you gotta come do my course.

00:15:07.000 Do the course I do with me. 0.99

00:15:08.000 It's fucking ruthless. 0.99

00:15:10.000 Running hills. 1.00

00:15:11.000 That's where it's at, man.

00:15:12.000 Dude, let's just say I run on the treadmill all the time, and I can easily run under a 10-minute mile.

00:15:22.000 I go on the road and my first Set of miles was like 12 minute miles and I was I was in pain Yeah, and I was like whoa This is not the same and then I got to a 10 minute miles like that feels like a fucking sprint But you know you can get do we show you those treadmills that are like running?

00:15:37.000 They're really expensive.

00:15:39.000 Yeah, I thought about getting one But so what I do now is I'm doing maybe work out some sort of deal with them What are who are they some sponsors go to rogue rogue athletics?

00:15:49.000 They're the guys who made the reverse hyper machine that we have in the back.

00:15:53.000 And I'm actually...

00:15:55.000 It's called Trueform. 0.99

00:15:57.000 Yeah, pull this shit out so we can see what it looks like. 0.98

00:15:59.000 But this thing is different because... 0.99

00:16:02.000 You're actually pushing your own body weight.

00:16:05.000 There's no machine behind it.

00:16:07.000 It's just got friction to it, and it's got like a slope.

00:16:10.000 And you run up on it, and it really is like the closest thing to running.

00:16:15.000 I still think actual running is better, but that is a very close second.

00:16:20.000 According to, wow, $5,000.

00:16:22.000 They're really expensive.

00:16:23.000 Trueform hit me up.

00:16:24.000 Why is it so expensive?

00:16:24.000 They hit you up?

00:16:25.000 No, I'm saying, hey, Trueform, hit me up. 0.97

00:16:27.000 Yeah, hey, True Farm, we'll fucking do a free ad. 1.00

00:16:30.000 We're doing a free ad for you right now, you fucks. 1.00

00:16:32.000 I don't know who can afford that. 0.99

00:16:33.000 That's a lot of money.

00:16:34.000 Well, some people can.

00:16:35.000 You know, I mean, for sure, some people would be willing.

00:16:38.000 If you had to have one piece of equipment in your house, you know, and you...

00:16:43.000 Budgeted it out.

00:16:44.000 5,000 bucks is probably worth it if you could actually use it and get in great shape with it.

00:16:49.000 But I really feel like the best way to do it is to just go outside.

00:16:52.000 I mean, I think especially if you can go somewhere where there's like a dirt trail and like a lake to look at.

00:16:57.000 It makes it more interesting.

00:16:59.000 It's been one of the cool things about not drinking and getting out and doing road work. 0.96

00:17:03.000 My wife calls it source energy, of getting out there and going like, oh, it's fucking beautiful. 0.95

00:17:08.000 Life is really beautiful. 0.95

00:17:09.000 I go to the park where Joe used to live right by this park.

00:17:13.000 I used to go there all the time and see Joey.

00:17:16.000 And I go to this park, every morning we go, my wife will walk it, and I run it.

00:17:23.000 And I'm loving it.

00:17:24.000 So what I'm doing is I'm doing road work probably three times a week, and then twice a week I get on the treadmill just because I'm terrified of injury and then not being able to run.

00:17:32.000 And I'm trying to run five days a week.

00:17:34.000 You worried about like plantar or something?

00:17:37.000 You had that for a while, didn't you?

00:17:38.000 I have plantar fasciitis, and it's terrifying.

00:17:40.000 That and shin splints are my fears.

00:17:41.000 Do you get it in the middle of your foot?

00:17:42.000 Like where are you getting that?

00:17:44.000 Like if this is your foot, like right towards the heel.

00:17:46.000 Oh, yeah?

00:17:47.000 Yeah, and then sometimes it'll happen inside the heel and you'll feel it like when your heel touches the ground it feels like glass.

00:17:53.000 When you first started doing yoga, were you noticing rather that your foot was like unstable and that it hurts your feet to try to balance on one foot and do the poses?

00:18:05.000 I did not notice that per se.

00:18:08.000 I did notice that.

00:18:09.000 What I noticed, the one thing that is the reason I will continue doing hot yoga was Or yoga in general maybe, but probably hot yoga because I like to sweat, is my feet are stronger.

00:18:19.000 Yeah.

00:18:20.000 Like, we're a lot stronger.

00:18:21.000 Like, I was going to say to Bobby Kelly, I was going to text him and go, hey man, you should start going to hot yoga because he has the same problem with plantar fasciitis that I do.

00:18:28.000 And go, it really has strengthened my feet.

00:18:30.000 And when I run now, I have no pain in my feet.

00:18:33.000 Yeah, it makes a big difference.

00:18:34.000 Is Bobby still heavy?

00:18:36.000 Yeah, he's going on a diet.

00:18:38.000 I was going to say to Skura, we should fat shame him and get him healthy.

00:18:43.000 Yeah, I'm not that close to them. 1.00

00:18:45.000 I can't fuck with them. 1.00

00:18:46.000 I can fuck with you guys. 1.00

00:18:49.000 You gotta know who you can fuck with and who's gonna take it seriously. 1.00

00:18:52.000 Like, I feel like I can't fuck with Ari anymore. 0.99

00:18:54.000 Like, he takes it seriously. 1.00

00:18:55.000 He just needs to get over the hump of hot yoga.

00:18:58.000 He needs to get high.

00:19:00.000 Yeah.

00:19:01.000 He needs a little weed and a hug.

00:19:02.000 He might need a little weed.

00:19:03.000 We love you, Ari.

00:19:04.000 Yeah, I love you, Ari.

00:19:05.000 You know that. 1.00

00:19:05.000 We're fucking with you. 1.00

00:19:06.000 But he took it to heart, I think, when all the Ari's a welcher shit, when people were getting mad at him and attacking him online. 1.00

00:19:14.000 When people find a little sore spot or a little area where they can attack you, they go after you. 0.98

00:19:18.000 They don't understand how many people were going after you guys.

00:19:23.000 When you were doing Tom is Fat and Bert is Fat, you guys were going after each other for a joke, but people were jumping in for serious.

00:19:29.000 Oh, people say really hateful things.

00:19:31.000 There's a website that some guy has, I guess he believes it's a comedy website, but it just says really nasty things about me. 0.66

00:19:38.000 And then he's like, this website's for savages! 0.83

00:19:40.000 Savagery only!

00:19:41.000 And I'm like, hey man, I'm a professional comedian.

00:19:43.000 I know the funniest people in the world.

00:19:45.000 Those aren't really great jokes.

00:19:46.000 They're really like, Bert's children will die alone.

00:19:50.000 I'm like, oh cool man, thanks.

00:19:54.000 Like that was the one thing was like, I don't know, but also you got to realize that these people, a lot of these people that are throwing in their Molotov cocktails in the party, they don't They, like, they just want to get a response.

00:20:07.000 They just want to hurt you so that you can respond.

00:20:10.000 Like, that's the one thing that I will say, like, Ari's been pretty visible on my Instagram comments. 1.00

00:20:16.000 Like, he's going right back at people. 1.00

00:20:18.000 Fuck you! 1.00

00:20:19.000 I'm not a welter! 1.00

00:20:20.000 Fuck you! 1.00

00:20:21.000 And part of me goes, Ari, don't even read them. 1.00

00:20:22.000 I don't read the comments anymore.

00:20:24.000 I learned that with the Tom and Bert is fat thing.

00:20:26.000 I stopped reading comments altogether because I was like, oh, they don't...

00:20:28.000 I make my kids, I go, don't touch my comments.

00:20:30.000 You guys all worked out some sort of a deal, right?

00:20:32.000 Like, Ari is gonna pay for something? 1.00

00:20:34.000 Yeah, he's...

00:20:34.000 Ari's...

00:20:35.000 That's the other part.

00:20:36.000 I don't know why he bounced out of Asia.

00:20:40.000 I think he wanted to go on the trip with us, but he'd already planned his trip to Asia.

00:20:44.000 So he's like, I'll take care of you when we get back.

00:20:46.000 And so I think we're going to the Super Bowl in February, or we're going to the NFC Championship in January.

00:20:53.000 And Ari's going to pay for it. 1.00

00:20:55.000 Ari's nothing but fluid money. 1.00

00:20:56.000 So he's got no dependents.

00:20:58.000 And we've all known that.

00:21:01.000 And part of me, like, I kind of enjoyed the Welch moniker.

00:21:06.000 Yeah, but he didn't. 0.99

00:21:08.000 But I didn't enjoy being called fucking... 0.99

00:21:10.000 Did you see what Tom posted when Ralphie died? 0.99

00:21:13.000 No.

00:21:14.000 You haven't seen it?

00:21:15.000 No. 1.00

00:21:16.000 Can you pull up his fucking Instagram? 1.00

00:21:18.000 By the way, I didn't enjoy this. 1.00

00:21:22.000 Yeah.

00:21:24.000 Take a look.

00:21:25.000 What does it say?

00:21:26.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:21:27.000 So has had to hear about the passing of Ralphie Mae.

00:21:29.000 His heart was bigger than his stomach.

00:21:30.000 Honestly, I've always been intrigued by comments who were kind of hilarious offstage.

00:21:33.000 What a total sweetheart. 1.00

00:21:34.000 Every time I saw him.

00:21:34.000 Big hug Ralphie.

00:21:35.000 And it's a picture of fucking me! 1.00

00:21:37.000 Wow. 1.00

00:21:38.000 And you're smelling something with your shirt off.

00:21:40.000 I'm smelling a beer.

00:21:40.000 In your underwear.

00:21:42.000 Drinking Fireball and Jack Daniels.

00:21:44.000 Where are you?

00:21:44.000 In Philly at Preston and Steve.

00:21:45.000 You're on a radio show?

00:21:46.000 Yeah.

00:21:47.000 Those guys are great.

00:21:48.000 Yeah, they are.

00:21:48.000 On the other side is M. Night Shyamalan.

00:21:50.000 What are those shorts?

00:21:52.000 They are Shinesty bathing suit. 0.99

00:21:55.000 It's a jean bathing suit.

00:21:57.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:21:58.000 And M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong was on the show with you?

00:22:01.000 He was on the show, too.

00:22:02.000 What was he like?

00:22:03.000 He's really cool.

00:22:04.000 Is he?

00:22:04.000 Yeah, he was really cool.

00:22:05.000 Really interesting.

00:22:06.000 That guy knocked it out of the park once.

00:22:09.000 I would argue twice.

00:22:10.000 I would argue a couple times. 1.00

00:22:11.000 The fucking signs with Mel Gibson? 1.00

00:22:13.000 Oh, I thought that one sucked. 1.00

00:22:15.000 Swing for the fences! 1.00

00:22:18.000 A new one wasn't bad.

00:22:19.000 Which one?

00:22:20.000 The one that plants come to kill you?

00:22:21.000 No, Split.

00:22:22.000 That one was rough.

00:22:23.000 Oh, was that good?

00:22:24.000 Split good?

00:22:24.000 Yeah, it's a sequel to that Unbreakable one.

00:22:26.000 Oh, you know what I like, though?

00:22:27.000 I'll say twice.

00:22:27.000 I like that elevator one.

00:22:29.000 The devil was in the elevator.

00:22:31.000 You didn't see that one either.

00:22:32.000 It was pretty good.

00:22:33.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:22:34.000 But the first one, Sixth Sense, that was fucking great. 0.98

00:22:37.000 Dude, me and a black guy sat in the lobby. 0.99

00:22:39.000 Just a random black guy. 0.96

00:22:40.000 A random black guy who was sitting behind me, and we both realized that he was dead at the same time, and When we lost our shits and then walked out to the lobby together and started... 0.97

00:22:50.000 I didn't know this guy. 0.97

00:22:51.000 I said, this is the coolest thing about a movie.

00:22:52.000 Me and this guy have nothing in common.

00:22:54.000 He's got dreads, tattoos, and me and him sat in the lobby and broke down the movie.

00:22:59.000 I didn't know him, but we were just sharing our realizations together.

00:23:02.000 And I was like, wait, wait, wait, hold on one second.

00:23:04.000 Hold on! 0.98

00:23:05.000 And one of my favorite experiences after a movie is when total strangers get together and they're like, shut up, hold on, wait, what happened?

00:23:13.000 Oh, it was great.

00:23:15.000 Yeah, those movies where people don't know they're dead are weird, like Beetlejuice.

00:23:20.000 Remember that?

00:23:20.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:21.000 Remember they died in the river?

00:23:23.000 Their car fell in the river?

00:23:24.000 I don't like movies like Beetlejuice or like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

00:23:30.000 The new one?

00:23:31.000 I can't watch anything where there's a little bit of fantasy type thing.

00:23:38.000 Does that make sense?

00:23:40.000 No.

00:23:40.000 I could not watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I was a kid.

00:23:43.000 Oh, the old one.

00:23:44.000 Yeah, I never saw the new one because I wouldn't watch it.

00:23:47.000 The new one was...

00:23:48.000 I think it was just called Willy Wonka, right?

00:23:50.000 What was the new one called?

00:23:51.000 The Johnny Depp one.

00:23:52.000 When he talked like this.

00:23:53.000 The other way around.

00:23:54.000 It came from a book called Charlie and Charlotte Factory.

00:23:56.000 The first movie was Willy Wonka, and then the remake was...

00:23:59.000 The one with Johnny Depp is Charlie and the Charlotte Factory.

00:24:02.000 Yeah, what don't you like about those?

00:24:03.000 I don't know.

00:24:04.000 Like Alice in Wonderland?

00:24:06.000 Anything about...

00:24:08.000 Like, I don't know if it's like a bad trip type fantasy.

00:24:13.000 They freak me out, man.

00:24:14.000 Did you see the new Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp when he played the Mad Hatter?

00:24:17.000 I won't watch it.

00:24:18.000 It's great!

00:24:19.000 Oh, I won't watch it. 0.98

00:24:20.000 I enjoyed the shit out of it. 0.98

00:24:21.000 It's really fun. 0.94

00:24:22.000 Yeah, it's fun.

00:24:23.000 Did you just freak out?

00:24:25.000 Yeah, like there was a movie that really freaked me out.

00:24:27.000 I think it was called Clown, about this dad who gets his kid a clown for his birthday and the clown doesn't show up.

00:24:34.000 So he goes down to the basement and he finds a clown outfit and he puts it on and he's the clown for the kid.

00:24:41.000 And then that night, he can't get the nose off.

00:24:43.000 And it meshes into his body.

00:24:45.000 I couldn't...

00:24:46.000 Dude, this movie...

00:24:49.000 Eli Roth made it.

00:24:50.000 He's pretty good.

00:24:51.000 That's a good movie? 0.98

00:24:52.000 Fucked me. 0.98

00:24:52.000 I couldn't watch it. 0.98

00:24:53.000 I started watching it and I was like, nah, I can't.

00:24:55.000 Show me a trailer, young Jamie.

00:24:57.000 Oh my god.

00:24:58.000 Are you freaking out? 0.96

00:24:59.000 Yeah, I don't like clowns, but... 0.95

00:25:01.000 Did you see the Green Inferno he made? 0.90

00:25:02.000 About the cannibals in South America, I think? 0.99

00:25:07.000 No. 0.99

00:25:07.000 It's fucking good. 0.99

00:25:08.000 Yeah? 0.98

00:25:08.000 It's on Netflix, I think. 0.98

00:25:10.000 Fuck, where did I see it? 1.00

00:25:11.000 Is it a horror movie? 1.00

00:25:12.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

00:25:13.000 People dying.

00:25:14.000 Yeah, it's gruesome.

00:25:15.000 He's really good.

00:25:16.000 He made that Hostel movie.

00:25:17.000 He's also in Glorious Bastards.

00:25:20.000 He was in Glorious Bastards.

00:25:20.000 He was badass in that movie.

00:25:22.000 I think he's the bear Jew. 1.00

00:25:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:25:23.000 You know what I keep hearing is fucking amazing? 0.94

00:25:25.000 It's the new Blade Runner movie, but it's not doing good in the box office, apparently. 0.94

00:25:28.000 They had to sign non-disclosures when they went to review it, where they couldn't reveal anything about the movie.

00:25:34.000 Alright, give me some volume here.

00:25:36.000 We'll play the trailer here.

00:25:38.000 Oh, this freaks me out. 0.72

00:25:40.000 You're gonna miss the clown. 0.84

00:25:42.000 There's no clown coming.

00:25:44.000 Who double books a clown?

00:25:45.000 I thought you had a backup.

00:25:47.000 Everything's gonna be fine.

00:25:51.000 Perfect. 0.93

00:25:53.000 Missed the clown!

00:25:56.000 Dad, hurry!

00:25:57.000 I'm gonna be late!

00:25:58.000 I physically cannot get it off.

00:26:01.000 It's suffocating.

00:26:02.000 One, two...

00:26:19.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:26:21.000 It's not a costume?

00:26:28.000 Skin of a demon?

00:26:36.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:26:58.000 Dude.

00:26:58.000 No matter what I say, don't let me out.

00:27:08.000 Wow.

00:27:27.000 This looks amazing!

00:27:31.000 The kids aren't all right.

00:27:33.000 The sound is very loud.

00:27:35.000 Distorted.

00:27:42.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:27:43.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:27:45.000 Dude, I'm watching that tonight. 1.00

00:27:48.000 Are you kidding me?

00:27:49.000 He's got some really good movies that have come out over the last couple years.

00:27:52.000 What is he famous for?

00:27:54.000 I believe Hostel was the first one he made. 1.00

00:27:56.000 Oh, that motherfucker. 1.00

00:27:57.000 I'm not watching this movie then. 1.00

00:28:00.000 Clown 2?

00:28:01.000 There was a part 2?

00:28:02.000 He came back?

00:28:03.000 There was Clown 2?

00:28:04.000 Okay, let's watch the trailer for Clown 2. This looks like a joke.

00:28:10.000 Yeah, that's a joke.

00:28:11.000 Oh, is it?

00:28:12.000 I don't know. 0.98

00:28:12.000 Looked pretty fucking violent. 0.98

00:28:14.000 Get deep in there. 0.99

00:28:15.000 See what happens.

00:28:16.000 Oh, ha ha ha.

00:28:17.000 I have the outfit on.

00:28:23.000 Maybe not.

00:28:27.000 Uh, same people.

00:28:30.000 Mmm, same people.

00:28:34.000 This is the 2017 version.

00:28:36.000 Just in time for us to binge.

00:28:38.000 This is what we're gonna do in the new studio, Bert. 0.99

00:28:40.000 We're gonna watch some fucked up movies and do like fight companions for fucked up movies. 0.99

00:28:46.000 Funny movies. 0.99

00:28:47.000 Oh, it's not real? 1.00

00:28:48.000 Oh, kill it. 1.00

00:28:49.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

00:28:50.000 Fan me. 1.00

00:28:51.000 It's fucking fancy. 0.98

00:28:52.000 Man, I can't. 0.99

00:28:53.000 Scary movies, I get legit scared.

00:28:56.000 Like, I get to the point where I go, I don't know why I'm doing this.

00:28:58.000 It's like jumping out of an airplane.

00:28:59.000 I go, I don't know why I'm doing this.

00:29:01.000 I don't know if I enjoyed this.

00:29:02.000 Hmm.

00:29:04.000 I remember seeing The Ring in the movie theater, and I was screaming so bad that people were laughing.

00:29:10.000 Why do you get scared?

00:29:11.000 I don't know.

00:29:12.000 Did you see the new It movie?

00:29:14.000 No.

00:29:14.000 You don't go to see those?

00:29:15.000 I would never.

00:29:16.000 I saw the original It.

00:29:17.000 I was like, I was like, Stephen King, it's probably a pretty good thriller. 0.85

00:29:22.000 And this clown showed up, and I couldn't stop watching it.

00:29:25.000 The original one was on TV, wasn't it? 0.84

00:29:27.000 Yeah, it was like a miniseries or something?

00:29:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:29.000 That bothered you that much?

00:29:31.000 Mm. 0.95

00:29:31.000 I don't like clowns. 0.95

00:29:32.000 I'll never put on clown makeup.

00:29:34.000 That'll never happen.

00:29:35.000 Really?

00:29:35.000 I did once.

00:29:35.000 I got mauled by a bull.

00:29:37.000 That was the only time I ever put clown makeup on.

00:29:38.000 Oh, go to Eddie Bravo's Instagram page and check out this new bullfighting thing they're doing.

00:29:45.000 What?

00:29:45.000 They're doing this new bullfighting thing where they don't actually fight the bulls.

00:29:50.000 These are acrobats, and they stand in front of the bull. 0.99

00:29:53.000 The bull charges them, and they flip over the fucking bull. 1.00

00:29:57.000 Dude, people are taking shit to a totally next level. 1.00

00:30:00.000 Watch this. 1.00

00:30:02.000 Oh, shut up. 1.00

00:30:03.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:30:04.000 Non-violent bullfighting.

00:30:06.000 So they don't kill the bull.

00:30:08.000 And, like, this is probably...

00:30:09.000 First of all, it's way more interesting.

00:30:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:13.000 And I don't feel bad watching it. 1.00

00:30:15.000 I mean, I'm gonna feel bad if this guy eventually gets a horn through his asshole, which is probably gonna happen. 1.00

00:30:20.000 But I'm not rooting for the bull. 1.00

00:30:22.000 Like, I'm kind of rooting for the bull when I see matadors.

00:30:25.000 Not even kinda. 0.99

00:30:27.000 I think bullfighting is completely retarded. 1.00

00:30:29.000 I think if you want to shoot a bull and kill it and eat it, I get that, but you should do it humanely and you should, you know, you should do it where you're, you know what you're doing, you shoot the bull in the head or wherever you're gonna shoot it in the heart and get it over with, but they stab those things with these long spears and they poison them, 0.99

00:30:47.000 they do a lot of shit, but this is, to me, way more Dangerous? 1.00

00:30:52.000 Way more brave? 1.00

00:30:53.000 Way more interesting to watch?

00:30:55.000 Yeah.

00:30:57.000 Which addresses a major concern amongst animal rights activists?

00:31:00.000 What does?

00:31:01.000 That the bulls aren't getting hurt, but I don't...

00:31:03.000 This is non-violent bullfighting?

00:31:06.000 Oh, I think we're just watching a loop.

00:31:07.000 That's what it is.

00:31:07.000 So it says Olay...

00:31:10.000 Well, this is the guy DP4k.m.

00:31:15.000 I follow him on Instagram.

00:31:16.000 He's a radical anti...

00:31:21.000 Anti-factory farming, animal rights activist guy, or girl.

00:31:25.000 I don't know if it's a guy or a girl, honestly.

00:31:26.000 I'm just a sexist.

00:31:28.000 But his page, this person's page, her page, whatever, is just filled with animal rights stuff.

00:31:35.000 It's always animal rights stuff.

00:31:37.000 We went to a bullfight in, I think, in Madrid or Barcelona, me and my buddy Huicho when we were 22. We didn't know what it was.

00:31:43.000 We were like, yeah, we gotta go to a bullfight, right?

00:31:46.000 Man, we were, both of us were like, this is really upsetting.

00:31:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:49.000 When we were kids, that's like when you'd be like, oh, fuck yeah, but both of us were like, oh, they killed him. 0.99

00:31:53.000 Like, it really is, really is sad. 0.67

00:31:55.000 Well, this guy put up, I found out about this guy, this animal rights guy, and I followed his page, because he put up a picture of a friend of my friend Adam Greentrees in Hawaii, in Hawaii, Australia.

00:32:09.000 Because in Australia, they hunt feral cats.

00:32:12.000 And this guy was holding up a cat, like a house cat, that they shot and killed.

00:32:17.000 And the reason why they do that is because feral house cats in Australia are an invasive species and they are devastating the local ecology.

00:32:27.000 They destroy ground nesting birds, they kill everything, and there's a large population of them.

00:32:33.000 They actually have a bounty on feral cats in Australia.

00:32:37.000 See, they've made some terrible mistakes with conservation in Australia.

00:32:43.000 And one of the mistakes they've done, like over and over again, is introduce invasive species to the continent.

00:32:49.000 See, Australia didn't...

00:32:50.000 The predators in Australia are... 1.00

00:32:52.000 They used to have the Tasmanian tiger, they have dingoes, and they have crocodiles, which are just the fucking monsters. 1.00

00:32:59.000 They're ruthless. 0.99

00:33:00.000 They have serious saltwater crocodiles.

00:33:02.000 And then, of course, sharks on the outside.

00:33:04.000 But...

00:33:05.000 Then they introduced a bunch of animals to both Australia and New Zealand to hunt.

00:33:10.000 They introduced fallow deer and stags and a lot of different things.

00:33:15.000 Stags are mostly in New Zealand. 0.96

00:33:17.000 And pigs, wild pigs. 1.00

00:33:19.000 These fucking things went everywhere. 1.00

00:33:21.000 They're all over the place. 1.00

00:33:21.000 They also introduced a bunch of different, like, rabbits and things along those lines. 1.00

00:33:26.000 And when they did that...

00:33:27.000 I don't know about rabbits.

00:33:28.000 I forget what it was.

00:33:29.000 But they brought in cats...

00:33:32.000 And foxes to deal with some of the other species, but then the cats and the foxes don't just kill the species they want them to kill. 0.99

00:33:38.000 They fucking kill all these other things that had no idea what a cat was. 0.97

00:33:41.000 Like, there was no feral cats there. 0.99

00:33:43.000 And so now they have a real problem with them, where they just, they run the risk.

00:33:48.000 I know this guy who's an animal rights activist, his thought is he's seeing this monster shooting someone's pet.

00:33:54.000 But it's most likely not someone's pet.

00:33:56.000 It's most likely a feral cat.

00:33:58.000 There's thousands of them, hundreds of thousands of them in Australia, and they're a giant issue.

00:34:03.000 They hire people to kill them because they're devastating all these animals that had no idea what a cat was.

00:34:10.000 So it's a much more complex issue than a lot of these animal rights activists Understand and I was thrown off because Adam Greentree my buddy gave me a bow hunting magazine from Australia when I was there visiting him and I was going through it on the plane and And there's pictures of guys holding up cats that they shot. 0.99

00:34:29.000 And I was like, what in the fuck is wrong with you Australians? 1.00

00:34:32.000 But when it's explained to you by someone who lives there, it's not like we hate house cats. 0.99

00:34:37.000 These are not house cats.

00:34:38.000 This is like going out and shooting a bobcat that's been killing all the local grouse.

00:34:45.000 Like if you introduced a cat into the area that wasn't supposed to be there and it was devastating all the other animals.

00:34:51.000 So you have one of two options.

00:34:52.000 Either you just let everything go extinct, And don't handle it, or you try to clean up the mess that your ancestors sort of started before you.

00:35:01.000 Like Nutria.

00:35:01.000 Yeah, Nutria's a good example.

00:35:03.000 Yeah, yeah, it's a very good example. 1.00

00:35:05.000 Those fucking things, those giant rat things. 1.00

00:35:07.000 By the way, I have to take two seconds to talk about Adam Greentree. 1.00

00:35:11.000 He's like my new favorite obsession.

00:35:13.000 He's awesome.

00:35:15.000 You tweeted out, you gotta watch my buddy on this hunt when I was in Australia. 0.64

00:35:19.000 And I was like, all my time zones were all fucked up, and I was not sleeping. 0.85

00:35:23.000 And I got obsessed with that hunt he did. 0.91

00:35:25.000 Started in Colorado, ended up in Montana.

00:35:27.000 Yeah.

00:35:27.000 I got obsessed with it, and it was so much fun to watch.

00:35:30.000 And then when he got off the hunt, I was like, well, fuck, I guess I'll just wait for the next hunt. 0.95

00:35:34.000 Well, explain what the thing is. 0.99

00:35:35.000 He was solo.

00:35:36.000 Solo backpacking.

00:35:38.000 And he was covering, and by the way, I speak big, I'm probably wrong, but he was covering like 15 miles a day on foot.

00:35:45.000 Easily.

00:35:45.000 Easy.

00:35:46.000 Easily.

00:35:46.000 And not just a flat walk, up mountains, because you've got to glass these things.

00:35:51.000 I feel like I know I'm a hunter from watching this video every day.

00:35:55.000 He would post it on his Insta stories, and he was looking, he'd find elk, I think he was hunting elk, and he would find elk, but it wasn't the one he wanted.

00:36:04.000 And he'd see this elk, and he's like six pointer, or six...

00:36:08.000 Six-something.

00:36:09.000 Six point, yeah.

00:36:10.000 And he's like, it's a six point, but it's not the right one.

00:36:12.000 No, they were young.

00:36:14.000 He didn't want to shoot a young animal. 0.93

00:36:15.000 He wanted to shoot an old, mature animal.

00:36:17.000 And then at one point, there was a bear tracking him, and I'm like...

00:36:20.000 Yeah, not just tracking him, charging him.

00:36:22.000 Yeah.

00:36:23.000 He's doing an Instagram story of these bears charging him, and in one of the Instagram pictures, it's him holding up a gun, and you see the bear in the background standing on its hind legs.

00:36:33.000 When I posted that, his likes or his followers went from the beginning when he started this quest, he was at 75,000 followers.

00:36:41.000 By the end of this trip, he had doubled to over 150. What is he at now?

00:36:47.000 Adam.Greentree.

00:36:48.000 He just renewed his vows with his beautiful wife, Kim.

00:36:52.000 I feel like I know the guy.

00:36:53.000 I feel like I know the guy.

00:36:54.000 You've never met him?

00:36:55.000 No.

00:36:56.000 I've got to introduce you to him.

00:36:57.000 He's going to be here.

00:36:58.000 He's going to be here soon.

00:36:59.000 What has he got now?

00:37:00.000 Yeah, 162, is that what it says?

00:37:02.000 Yeah.

00:37:03.000 When we started, when he started this trip, rather, look at those pictures of grizzly bear footprints.

00:37:09.000 In the ground.

00:37:10.000 Right next to his footprint. 1.00

00:37:11.000 Fucking A. Look how big those goddamn things are. 1.00

00:37:14.000 And if you're interested in these Instagram stories, right now my friend Remy Warren just posted another crazy Instagram story about their time on Afognak Island in Alaska where they got attacked by a giant Kodiak bear. 0.99

00:37:32.000 They got attacked by a 1,000 pound bear.

00:37:34.000 One of the guys wound up riding the bear on its back.

00:37:38.000 The bear charged him.

00:37:40.000 Everybody scattered.

00:37:41.000 One of the guys hit the bear in the face with trekking poles.

00:37:45.000 One guy got knocked up into the air, wound up on the bear's back as the bear was running down the hill for like two or three steps.

00:37:51.000 He was literally riding this bear's back.

00:37:54.000 Who's this guy?

00:37:55.000 Remy what?

00:37:55.000 Remy Warren.

00:37:56.000 He's another friend of mine who's one of the...

00:37:59.000 I'm following him right now.

00:38:01.000 There's a handful of the best bow hunters in the world that I'm privileged to know, but Adam is most certainly one of them, so is Remy.

00:38:07.000 My all-time favorite is always going to be Cameron Haynes.

00:38:10.000 Cameron Haynes is starting.

00:38:11.000 That's Remy.

00:38:12.000 He's got some pictures and videos of the hunt that they went on in a Fognac, but they had killed an elk And that's the elk down there, the one with one antler.

00:38:23.000 And he had broken off one of his antlers fighting.

00:38:27.000 And they were cutting this elk up and packing it out and then they set it down and they were just sitting down eating lunch.

00:38:36.000 And they didn't have their guns on them.

00:38:38.000 They were just unprepared.

00:38:41.000 And with no warning, this 1,000 pound bear charged them.

00:38:45.000 Just ran right at them into the camp.

00:38:48.000 Just decided that he wanted that elk. 0.99

00:38:50.000 And it was just fucking chaos. 0.99

00:38:51.000 And everybody scattered. 0.98

00:38:53.000 Thankfully, everyone was okay.

00:38:56.000 But they got as close to death as possible.

00:38:58.000 I was talking to Remy about it on the phone yesterday.

00:39:00.000 He was telling me that literally, inches away from his face, he was seeing gnashing teeth.

00:39:05.000 Like, inches away.

00:39:06.000 Dude. 1.00

00:39:06.000 What in the fuck, man? 1.00

00:39:08.000 What's even... 1.00

00:39:09.000 I mean, that's a crazy...

00:39:11.000 I can't...

00:39:13.000 I can't wrap my head around, just by following Adam, I couldn't wrap my head around what he was doing.

00:39:17.000 The idea that he like flew to Montana because he didn't like the hunt in Colorado.

00:39:21.000 He flew to Montana.

00:39:22.000 He drove.

00:39:22.000 Or he drove to Montana and then he left the car and then just went, he got lost.

00:39:27.000 Yeah.

00:39:27.000 Well, he knows where he's going because he uses his GPS and he knows how to, he follows, there's a thing called Onyx Maps.

00:39:34.000 You know, you download the maps to your phone and then you can stretch your phone out and he was using a solar pad.

00:39:42.000 I followed all his gear.

00:39:43.000 The girls went camping, and when I came in Sunday, this is so silly that this is like how life works.

00:39:48.000 And by the way, I think anyone who's a podcast fan will get this, is I'm following Adam, I'm watching his stories, And he's showing all this PAC stuff he's got.

00:39:58.000 And me and the girls are getting ready to go to REI. And I went, oh, I'm going to get some of his shit. 0.99

00:40:03.000 Like, some of his stuff. 0.95

00:40:04.000 Because I know that he's only rocking the best stuff.

00:40:07.000 Yeah.

00:40:07.000 And the girls are getting ready to go camping.

00:40:09.000 I'm going to be home that next weekend by myself.

00:40:10.000 So I go and I start looking at the thing.

00:40:12.000 And then I'm watching his stories.

00:40:14.000 Leanne's watching me.

00:40:14.000 And he's like, he does some video of the sun shining.

00:40:17.000 And he goes, look, Kim, it's Cameron Haynes' smile.

00:40:20.000 And I get the joke.

00:40:21.000 And I start laughing. 1.00

00:40:22.000 And Leanne says, who the fuck are you watching? 1.00

00:40:24.000 And who the fuck's Cameron Haynes? 0.99

00:40:25.000 He's like, And I'm like, oh, they're friends of mine. 0.99

00:40:27.000 I don't even know these dudes.

00:40:28.000 But I follow them and I know them, so I'm giggling.

00:40:32.000 Well, you could be friends with them.

00:40:33.000 I just have to introduce you.

00:40:35.000 I'd last one night with Adam, who doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs.

00:40:38.000 No, he's great.

00:40:39.000 I'd be in his camp going, first of all, we're not bringing any whiskey out of here, Adam.

00:40:43.000 We're going to sit here sober and Bear's going to attack us.

00:40:45.000 Well, you're sober right now.

00:40:46.000 That was one of the things that he was saying.

00:40:47.000 He's like...

00:40:48.000 No drug, no drink.

00:40:49.000 This is what I do.

00:40:50.000 Well, his father had a real problem.

00:40:54.000 Yeah.

00:40:55.000 And so he's averse to it completely.

00:40:56.000 I have some friends that have experienced alcoholism, like abusive alcoholism from their parents, and they have the same feeling.

00:41:03.000 They just don't want to have anything to do with it.

00:41:05.000 They see how it just wrecks people and ruins people.

00:41:08.000 And I'll tell you, man, I don't feel that way because I've enjoyed drinking, and I've never really had a terrible thing happen to me because of drinking. 0.90

00:41:16.000 Being sober over these last 12 days or whatever the fuck it's been and being at comedy clubs every night and seeing sloppy drunks. 0.96

00:41:25.000 Like, I've seen three or four, like, the other night at the store, some fucking unbelievably drunk guy wanted to have a conversation with me from like two inches away. 0.99

00:41:35.000 You know that sloppy drunk close talk type thing? 1.00

00:41:38.000 I'm like, gee, who the fuck? 1.00

00:41:39.000 Who does this sober? 1.00

00:41:41.000 Zero people.

00:41:42.000 This is one of the worst things about alcohol.

00:41:44.000 The people don't understand boundaries or how they come off or what they sound like.

00:41:50.000 There's bad things to...

00:41:51.000 You're a great drunk, by the way.

00:41:53.000 You're like one of my favorite drunks because you're so used to it.

00:41:56.000 You manage it well.

00:41:57.000 You're like a black belt in being drunk. 0.74

00:41:59.000 So it's like, with all the problems that you've had with your health, with drinking too much, you come off pretty easy.

00:42:08.000 You're a fun guy to be around when you're drinking.

00:42:10.000 You don't have a problem.

00:42:12.000 Yeah.

00:42:12.000 In that sense.

00:42:13.000 Because we all know people that drink and then they go dark and they get mean.

00:42:18.000 And they get angry.

00:42:20.000 We've seen that.

00:42:23.000 I'd never have had that.

00:42:24.000 I think that's also part of the problem is that I'm a good drunk and everyone enjoys me and I'm a nice guy, I'm a sweet guy.

00:42:30.000 And I think that's the reason even my wife's like, I don't think you have a problem. 1.00

00:42:32.000 I don't think I have a problem, but the woman's with me a lot. 1.00

00:42:36.000 I mean, she wouldn't be the one to know, but...

00:42:38.000 She's like, but health-wise, it's changed my health.

00:42:41.000 That's the problem.

00:42:42.000 I ran six miles in under an hour the other day.

00:42:45.000 That's great.

00:42:46.000 That's fast for me.

00:42:47.000 That's very good.

00:42:48.000 And so health-wise, I feel amazing.

00:42:51.000 Yeah.

00:42:52.000 That's 18 miles in three hours.

00:42:56.000 Yeah.

00:42:57.000 Well, I couldn't keep that pace up.

00:42:58.000 But imagine if you did.

00:42:59.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:43:01.000 That's really fucking good, man. 0.98

00:43:02.000 Nine minutes and 20 miles. 0.99

00:43:04.000 What's a marathon?

00:43:05.000 26?

00:43:06.000 That's almost a marathon in four hours.

00:43:08.000 Yeah.

00:43:09.000 That's amazing.

00:43:10.000 I'm doing a half marathon.

00:43:11.000 I signed up for a half marathon.

00:43:13.000 This is going to sound silly, but just to keep myself on the rails.

00:43:16.000 I don't want to lose the fitness.

00:43:19.000 I like feeling good.

00:43:21.000 I like feeling strong.

00:43:22.000 See, this was my question initially.

00:43:24.000 It feels like this is a sprint.

00:43:26.000 This is not a change in your lifestyle like I feel like I'm what I'm worried about is it's like you're just gonna like this is great I feel great I've never felt better and then woo!

00:43:35.000 Off the rails!

00:43:36.000 That would be a week of that!

00:43:37.000 Almost that you're planning but it was almost like you're planning to go off the rails like this is just like I'm gonna keep it together for a month and then no I talked to Tom and Push about this a lot but like I I don't want to stop partying, but I don't want partying to be...

00:43:54.000 I don't want...

00:43:54.000 I think it got out of control in the sense that, like, I was...

00:43:59.000 It was like I'd get on stage and have a cocktail. 0.99

00:44:01.000 I mean, I drank a soda one time on stage and they lost their fucking minds because I killed it. 0.99

00:44:06.000 Because they just assumed it's whiskey. 0.99

00:44:08.000 I think I'd like to find a middle ground of where I can go and have a good time.

00:44:15.000 I want to quit drinking on planes.

00:44:17.000 That's number one.

00:44:18.000 That's my thing I'm focused on this month.

00:44:20.000 No booze on planes.

00:44:21.000 And then I wouldn't mind working out hard.

00:44:26.000 I think I always say I work out, but legit working out is not what I've been doing.

00:44:31.000 Yeah, like when you do a 90-minute hot yoga class, you realize what suffering really is.

00:44:35.000 Ten minutes into our first class, Tom looked over to me and he goes, we can't do this.

00:44:42.000 And I'm looking at him, I'm like, what?

00:44:44.000 He goes, 10 minutes.

00:44:45.000 He kept going, 10 minutes.

00:44:47.000 Then he'd go, 15 minutes.

00:44:49.000 At an hour, he goes, I'm done.

00:44:52.000 I'm done.

00:44:52.000 I can't do 30 more minutes.

00:44:54.000 And then when we go, you know, when you get on your back and you put your arms out, and Tom just reached over and grabs my hand and holds it tight like a lover, and he's like, get me the fuck out of here. 0.94

00:45:06.000 It's gotten easier and like things that we couldn't do now we can do and it's we've only been to like six classes But we're getting better at it and we're enjoying it more and like everyone knows us because we're the two big fucking bears in there and so Tom got in trouble for drinking water one time.

00:45:25.000 Did you drink water during the poses?

00:45:26.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

00:45:28.000 You have to wait until both poses are done. 0.98

00:45:30.000 Yeah.

00:45:31.000 Set one, set two. 0.99

00:45:33.000 He got so fucking pissed. 0.99

00:45:34.000 He went to go drink water and they're like, Tom, not water! 0.99

00:45:36.000 And he was like... 0.98

00:45:37.000 And looked around at me like, are you fucking kidding me? 0.97

00:45:41.000 Was it a guy teaching a class? 0.99

00:45:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:43.000 Of course.

00:45:43.000 Guys are the ones that tell you no water.

00:45:45.000 The girls are like, if you'd like to drink water, please do it when we're done with the pose. 1.00

00:45:50.000 The idea is that everyone's working together.

00:45:53.000 This is the idea that Bikram's does, is that you're all working together, and that if you interrupt the work to drink water, you're sending a bad message.

00:46:02.000 Like, you're not in the community.

00:46:05.000 There's something about those classes.

00:46:08.000 I've done yoga by myself.

00:46:11.000 I have an app on my phone and it'll time out all the poses and stuff like that.

00:46:17.000 I can do it, but I do a lot of working out by myself.

00:46:20.000 I do a lot of lifting and running and everything I do by myself.

00:46:22.000 I know how to motivate myself, but it's so much better to do it in a class.

00:46:27.000 It holds you accountable. 0.98

00:46:28.000 Yeah, it holds you accountable, and it's like there's no bullshit. 1.00

00:46:32.000 You're going to fucking hold this pose for 30 seconds, period. 1.00

00:46:36.000 This is 30 seconds. 1.00

00:46:37.000 And you do it as much as you can, and your fucking feet are shaking. 0.99

00:46:42.000 Dude, my favorite one is this one, where you go down here, and you have to sit here. 1.00

00:46:48.000 I love that fucking pose. 0.99

00:46:50.000 Why do you love that one? 1.00

00:46:51.000 Because I was a catcher, so it goes right back to my strength.

00:46:55.000 And that one works. 1.00

00:46:56.000 I love that fucking pose. 1.00

00:46:57.000 I go deep. 1.00

00:46:58.000 When she goes down, I go deep.

00:47:00.000 And that and the plane one where you come up.

00:47:02.000 That's a good one.

00:47:03.000 Tom and I have been talking about doing a calendar.

00:47:05.000 A yoga calendar?

00:47:06.000 A yoga pose calendar.

00:47:07.000 It's a good move.

00:47:08.000 12 months, me and Tom in different poses together. 0.99

00:47:10.000 You'd sell the shit out of that thing. 0.99

00:47:12.000 You would sell the shit out of that thing. 1.00

00:47:14.000 That's a great idea. 0.98

00:47:15.000 Jamie, you would take the photography.

00:47:17.000 Do a couple's poses down by the beach.

00:47:20.000 That's not what we're talking about, Jamie!

00:47:22.000 We want to do a Bikram, hot, sweaty, maybe both of us in Speedos, and hold our favorite poses.

00:47:29.000 How about those jean shorts?

00:47:31.000 I'd wear those in a heartbeat.

00:47:34.000 The second we went in, the first class we went in, Tom goes, he sees a guy in a Speedo, and he goes, how are you not wearing a Speedo?

00:47:40.000 Nah! 0.99

00:47:40.000 He's like, this is your whole thing. 0.99

00:47:41.000 And I was like, I don't know.

00:47:43.000 My favorite Tommy Bond story in yoga, our instructor starts telling a story.

00:47:48.000 You know, like, in between poses, he's telling a story.

00:47:51.000 And like, the first 30 minutes of class about his son and him in New York and his son walking and his son being out of breath and whatnot.

00:47:59.000 And then continues on with the poses. 0.98

00:48:02.000 Last 30 minutes of class, we are fucking panting. 0.98

00:48:05.000 We're on our stomachs, face to the left, hands down by your side. 0.99

00:48:10.000 And I hear Tom, in a silent class, I hear Tom go, Hey man!

00:48:15.000 Hey, what happened? 1.00

00:48:16.000 And he's just talking loud as shit. 0.99

00:48:18.000 It scared the fuck out of me. 1.00

00:48:20.000 He goes, what happened with you and your son in New York? 0.91

00:48:22.000 Because he didn't finish the story?

00:48:24.000 And the guy goes, excuse me?

00:48:25.000 Tom goes, you never finished your story, man.

00:48:26.000 I've been waiting for this end of this story.

00:48:28.000 And you just kept dragging.

00:48:29.000 And he keeps talking. 1.00

00:48:31.000 And I am shaking next to him going, shut the fuck up, Tom. 1.00

00:48:34.000 We're fucking yoga. 1.00

00:48:38.000 And does the guy finish the story? 0.99

00:48:39.000 And then the guy goes, that was it.

00:48:40.000 And Tom goes, oh.

00:48:48.000 Oh! 0.99

00:48:49.000 He is so fucking funny. 0.97

00:48:51.000 Did you see the video we did with the girl? 0.98

00:48:53.000 Oh.

00:48:54.000 Did you see the video we did with the girl, Laura Ackerman?

00:48:57.000 She seemed so cool.

00:48:58.000 She was so cool.

00:48:59.000 Was she the instructor?

00:49:00.000 Is that what that was?

00:49:00.000 No, she was just a person in class.

00:49:02.000 Oh.

00:49:02.000 The look on our face when we go...

00:49:04.000 When she goes to the other machine.

00:49:06.000 No, she called me the tank.

00:49:08.000 I thought she called you the machine, but you're the machine.

00:49:12.000 Here, play the video and watch the look on my face when I go, we're doing with our friend Ari Shaffir.

00:49:16.000 Do you know Ari Shaffir? 0.98

00:49:17.000 She goes, no.

00:49:18.000 No, no, no.

00:49:19.000 Play the video, Jamie.

00:49:19.000 This is the look on me and Tom's face when she says she knows Ari.

00:49:23.000 We fucking lose our shit. 1.00

00:49:24.000 Hot yoga class number two down. 1.00

00:49:26.000 We're sitting here with Laura.

00:49:27.000 Laura, how did we do? 0.98

00:49:28.000 Fucking awesome, guys. 0.96

00:49:29.000 Thank you. 0.97

00:49:30.000 We shocked you when we said we were doing no alcohol, no weed this month, huh?

00:49:33.000 Weed part.

00:49:34.000 I can't get down with that.

00:49:36.000 Oh, you gotta pray for Joe.

00:49:37.000 Yeah.

00:49:38.000 Oh, let's blow our heads and pray for Joe.

00:49:39.000 You ready?

00:49:40.000 One, two, three.

00:49:43.000 Namaste, Joe.

00:49:44.000 Our thoughts and prayers are with you this week in Vegas, as we know you'll be using the cannabis.

00:49:49.000 Yeah.

00:49:50.000 Joe's also donating 100% of the proceeds from this show to the Las Vegas Fund, and you guys can do it too.

00:49:55.000 Shout out to Joe Rogan on that.

00:49:57.000 Good job, man.

00:49:57.000 Good job, Joe.

00:49:58.000 And Ari.

00:49:59.000 Do you know who Ari Shafir is?

00:50:00.000 Yeah.

00:50:01.000 You do?

00:50:01.000 Well, I don't know him, but I know others.

00:50:03.000 Wait, you know Ari Shafir?

00:50:05.000 Yeah, near the tank.

00:50:06.000 Near the tank!

00:50:07.000 I'm a machine!

00:50:08.000 I'm a machine!

00:50:10.000 And what's he?

00:50:14.000 That's probably the best.

00:50:15.000 They call me the best!

00:50:17.000 Alright, we'll see you in class next week, Laura. 0.96

00:50:19.000 That's fucking hilarious that he said that to the instructor. 0.99

00:50:23.000 Dude, he is so fucking... 0.99

00:50:26.000 If you like his stand-up, you would love being his friend, because he's so dry. 0.99

00:50:30.000 Yeah, he's very dry.

00:50:32.000 And the things he does in that class are...

00:50:34.000 He's not trying to be funny, he's being Tom.

00:50:36.000 You're not supposed to do that in class, too.

00:50:38.000 Just talking in the middle of class.

00:50:40.000 Oh, God.

00:50:40.000 They do tell some terrible stories, though.

00:50:42.000 Because they have you held hostage.

00:50:44.000 Because you're in the middle of yoga, you know?

00:50:48.000 I said one time, the lady goes, Bert, it's the one where you pull your foot up and then you're supposed to kick your foot out.

00:50:54.000 She goes, Bert, grab the bottom of your foot. 0.99

00:50:56.000 I go, I can't, I'm fat.

00:50:58.000 And then she goes, there's people fatter than you in this class.

00:51:01.000 And I looked at Tom going, I guess we know who she's talking about!

00:51:05.000 He, by the way, I have to say this. 0.99

00:51:07.000 I always shit on Tom's weight. 0.99

00:51:08.000 He's actually looking really good. 0.99

00:51:10.000 I think this hot yoga is really clicking with him.

00:51:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:12.000 His wife was saying that.

00:51:13.000 He can get much deeper into poses than I can.

00:51:14.000 I have a hard time getting into deep poses.

00:51:17.000 But he really has changed his life.

00:51:19.000 We weigh the exact same, Joe.

00:51:21.000 Yeah, but he's probably more muscular than you.

00:51:23.000 No.

00:51:24.000 He's got a lot more skin.

00:51:26.000 A lot more skin.

00:51:26.000 Something about him just seems more fit.

00:51:29.000 I don't know what it is, man.

00:51:30.000 Just being real.

00:51:31.000 You're down to like 219 or something crazy?

00:51:33.000 What were you at the weight loss challenge?

00:51:35.000 What's the lowest you got?

00:51:36.000 Probably 219, 222. Isn't that crazy?

00:51:38.000 You're lighter now, and you're not dehydrating yourself.

00:51:41.000 I took total measurements of my body, because I'm curious to see at the end of the month.

00:51:45.000 Everyone said I look like I'm deflated.

00:51:47.000 You look thin.

00:51:48.000 My face looks healthier, and so I took measurements of my stomachs, my arms, my legs, and just to see what the shift was.

00:51:56.000 I was 224 the day I stopped drinking.

00:51:59.000 Well, your face looks different, like your eyes.

00:52:01.000 Like you used to have the, I've been drinking bags, you know, that a lot of people get?

00:52:05.000 Yeah.

00:52:06.000 6'1", 224, chest 47. Oh, you're talking about your dick. 1.00

00:52:10.000 Yeah, a girthy seven inches. 1.00

00:52:14.000 So you're doing that at the beginning, and then when you get to the end, you're going to check yourself again.

00:52:18.000 Now, what are you eating?

00:52:19.000 Are you eating healthy, or are you eating just whatever you want?

00:52:22.000 Well, I'm eating healthy for like two-thirds of the day.

00:52:26.000 Oh, okay.

00:52:27.000 Like, I'm eating really healthy, and I'm doing this.

00:52:29.000 I saw this on a podcast you did with some girl about not intermittent fasting, but fasting for 13, 12 hours.

00:52:35.000 Yeah, that's called intermittent fasting.

00:52:36.000 Yeah, I'm doing that.

00:52:37.000 I'm doing intermittent fasting.

00:52:38.000 But by the way...

00:52:38.000 14 is what I think they recommend.

00:52:41.000 Oh, that's really tough.

00:52:42.000 Your last meal's at 5 p.m.

00:52:44.000 Or just eat at 10 p.m.

00:52:46.000 and then don't eat until noon.

00:52:48.000 My last meal was at 8pm last night.

00:52:52.000 The last thing I put in my mouth was at 8pm.

00:52:54.000 I do 7 and 9. I have dinner at 7. And then I don't eat until 9 in the morning.

00:52:58.000 And when I eat in the morning, I drink butter coffee.

00:53:01.000 Like before I work out, I just have coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil.

00:53:05.000 That's what I've been doing.

00:53:06.000 And that's your first...

00:53:07.000 Once you have that, that starts your thing.

00:53:10.000 Yeah.

00:53:10.000 But I go 14 hours every day without eating.

00:53:14.000 I've been eating a lot of...

00:53:15.000 I shouldn't say every day.

00:53:16.000 Five, six days a week. 0.99

00:53:18.000 I try to do 12 hours every day, and then the first thing I do is I drink two huge things of water, and then that shit immediately. 0.99

00:53:26.000 As soon as I have those... 0.99

00:53:28.000 Yeah.

00:53:29.000 And then I'll eat.

00:53:32.000 I eat healthy in the morning.

00:53:33.000 I'll eat healthy in the afternoon. 0.99

00:53:35.000 After hot yoga, man, I fucking... 0.99

00:53:38.000 I cannot say no to a candy bar. 0.99

00:53:41.000 Like, I don't know if my blood sugar's off.

00:53:43.000 Probably, yeah.

00:53:44.000 But I'm like... 0.99

00:53:45.000 I come home and I'm like, I need fucking something sweet. 0.99

00:53:47.000 And then I'll eat a really healthy dinner. 0.98

00:53:49.000 Yeah, that's probably exactly what it is.

00:53:51.000 You know, your body's craving glucose.

00:53:53.000 It must be.

00:53:54.000 I had a score bar.

00:53:55.000 I ate it so quick yesterday.

00:53:57.000 You're burning off so many calories.

00:53:58.000 I mean, I don't know how many calories you burn in a 90 minute.

00:54:01.000 715, they say.

00:54:02.000 That's it?

00:54:02.000 715. That sounds about right.

00:54:04.000 Well, it depends on the effort.

00:54:05.000 You know?

00:54:06.000 Like, if you do it 100%.

00:54:08.000 Like, I can coast through a class, or I can do everything at 100%.

00:54:14.000 And I've done both.

00:54:16.000 And the difference in the way I feel at the end is significantly different.

00:54:20.000 I did one class that was a mix-up.

00:54:23.000 It wasn't Bikram.

00:54:24.000 It was hot yoga.

00:54:25.000 And it was a little different in that we did all 26 poses, but we also did flow in between them.

00:54:35.000 That was really tough.

00:54:36.000 I thought that's the kind you went to.

00:54:37.000 I was like, I'm never going to Joe's one.

00:54:39.000 Because it was like downward dog, cobra, warrior one, warrior two, pigeon.

00:54:45.000 I do that on Wednesdays.

00:54:46.000 Do you really?

00:54:47.000 Yeah, that's my Wednesday class. 1.00

00:54:48.000 That's a hard fucking class. 0.99

00:54:49.000 It's a very hard class, yeah. 1.00

00:54:50.000 And then they add humidity to it.

00:54:53.000 Oh really?

00:54:53.000 Yeah.

00:54:53.000 How do they do that?

00:54:54.000 I don't know.

00:54:54.000 They said just...

00:54:55.000 I said...

00:54:56.000 I walked in and I was very confident.

00:54:57.000 I was with my wife's best friend.

00:54:58.000 And I was like...

00:54:59.000 They're like, have you ever done hot yoga?

00:55:00.000 And I said, yeah, I do, Bikram.

00:55:01.000 And they're like, we're a little different.

00:55:03.000 I was like, no, I get it.

00:55:05.000 It'll be...

00:55:05.000 But it's the same poses, right?

00:55:07.000 It's like, no, there's some flow in between and we add humidity.

00:55:09.000 So stand by the door.

00:55:10.000 Like, make sure you're matched by the door.

00:55:12.000 So they must have like a humidifier in the room or something?

00:55:14.000 I I guess.

00:55:15.000 And so I was by the door, and it was so much hotter in there that it was burning my eyes and mouth.

00:55:22.000 And they would open the door, and when they opened the door, I was like, thank God.

00:55:26.000 Well, we got a sauna that we're putting in the new studio.

00:55:29.000 It's actually in already.

00:55:31.000 I can't wait to see this new studio.

00:55:33.000 Oh, dude, it's the Playhouse.

00:55:34.000 We're going to have the best Playhouse ever.

00:55:35.000 It's so exciting.

00:55:37.000 It's happening.

00:55:38.000 We're set to move on Monday.

00:55:40.000 You're going to move on Monday?

00:55:41.000 Yeah, Monday.

00:55:44.000 We gotta do a podcast, me, you, Tommy, and Ari again one more time when we're back partying.

00:55:48.000 Gotta get Ari high first. 1.00

00:55:49.000 Calm him down.

00:55:51.000 Bring him back to baseline.

00:55:52.000 Bring him back to happy Ari.

00:55:54.000 I will tell you, I've never had a real want of marijuana.

00:55:59.000 I'll smoke it, but I've never been a guy that gets high on my own.

00:56:02.000 I miss marijuana.

00:56:04.000 Marijuana's a great thing, but it's also a great thing to just be alive, and be yourself, and take a month off of everything.

00:56:10.000 I'm enjoying this.

00:56:11.000 I'm enjoying this 12 months.

00:56:12.000 I have zero cravings.

00:56:14.000 You know, one thing that I miss, I wish there was non-alcoholic wine that tasted the same, because I really do enjoy wine.

00:56:22.000 I like wine with a nice meal.

00:56:24.000 Like, you know, I work hard, and when I'm done working, I like to go to a restaurant and have a nice meal, or sit at home, maybe cook for myself.

00:56:33.000 Was that you?

00:56:34.000 Yeah, it was mine.

00:56:36.000 Detoxing.

00:56:37.000 They call it the crocodile shakes.

00:56:39.000 Having a steak and some wine, that's one of the great pleasures.

00:56:44.000 That's the only thing I'm missing.

00:56:46.000 I've only wanted booze one day this whole run, and that was at the Rams game.

00:56:51.000 I wanted cold beer so bad.

00:56:53.000 Oh, cold beer.

00:56:54.000 On a hot day, a nice cold beer.

00:56:56.000 Oh, it was a beautiful day.

00:56:58.000 And I was with two buddies and their kid, and I was like...

00:57:02.000 And they were like, hey, we're going to go to the Corona little bar area to get a drink.

00:57:07.000 I was like, okay.

00:57:08.000 And I hung out, and I was like, oh, I definitely want a cold beer.

00:57:11.000 And a hot dog, and some peanuts, and then just, oh.

00:57:15.000 And then that trade-off you do with your friends, hey, you're going to go up and get beers?

00:57:18.000 Grab me one, and then they come back.

00:57:21.000 But in all honesty, I've got to be honest with you, I really enjoyed being the designated driver.

00:57:27.000 I've never done that.

00:57:28.000 So I was like, I'll drive, everybody.

00:57:30.000 I'm responsible.

00:57:31.000 I'm responsible.

00:57:33.000 It was really cool to show up and see my kids and be like, Dad Stone's over!

00:57:36.000 You know what I like?

00:57:37.000 I like cold beer when you're fishing.

00:57:40.000 Oh.

00:57:41.000 Come on, right?

00:57:43.000 Like a Modelo or something.

00:57:45.000 You know, like a Modelo Amber. 1.00

00:57:47.000 Nice fucking freezing cold where you reach into the cooler and the ice is falling off the bottle and you crack that fucker and... 1.00

00:57:59.000 Or a Heineken. 1.00

00:58:01.000 A good cold Heineken sounds...

00:58:03.000 Oh, a Sam Adams sounds amazing right now.

00:58:06.000 A frosty cold Sam Adams lager. 1.00

00:58:09.000 Oh, my dick's getting hard! 1.00

00:58:11.000 That would taste so good. 0.99

00:58:14.000 I want to be on the water, like, fishing with a cold Sam Adams.

00:58:20.000 Oh, what would be the drink?

00:58:21.000 What would be the drink if you're sitting on the beach, on a beach bar in, like, St. Martin's, and the sun's getting ready to set, and someone goes, sir, can I get you a drink?

00:58:29.000 What would be your drink right then?

00:58:30.000 Margarita.

00:58:31.000 I'm all about margaritas, bro.

00:58:33.000 It's cold, it's got the ice, it's got the salt around the rim.

00:58:37.000 Can I get a floater on top?

00:58:38.000 Tequila.

00:58:38.000 Tequila's always meaning you're partying.

00:58:40.000 If you're drinking tequila, you're partying.

00:58:42.000 Oh, I can't wait.

00:58:43.000 I can't wait till I get to start again.

00:58:46.000 I'm going to be with Ari Halloween night at 11 o'clock.

00:58:50.000 Ari's like, you started Easter Standard Time, then at 11 o'clock New Orleans, we get to have our first drink. 0.95

00:58:55.000 So, I cannot fucking wait. 0.91

00:58:58.000 You guys are going to be in Halloween? 0.98

00:59:00.000 You're going to be in New Orleans?

00:59:01.000 Halloween, we're going to be on the French Quarter.

00:59:03.000 Your kid's going to tweak on that?

00:59:04.000 That you're not going to be with your kids on Halloween?

00:59:06.000 They were a little upset. 1.00

00:59:09.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:59:11.000 Do they want orthodontics? 1.00

00:59:13.000 Yeah, you want to make money or what?

00:59:15.000 You guys have a job?

00:59:17.000 No?

00:59:17.000 Well, daddy has to work.

00:59:18.000 Get over it. 1.00

00:59:19.000 It's just a day, you fucks. 0.99

00:59:20.000 Yeah, they were a little upset about Halloween, but we fly into New Orleans. 0.99

00:59:24.000 We go out that night.

00:59:26.000 Ari and I have been talking about it, but I was like, we'll go to a nice dinner.

00:59:29.000 We'll go out to the French Quarter a little later, see everyone, hang out, be sober, and then come 11 p.m.

00:59:36.000 Coo-coo. 1.00

00:59:37.000 Now, when are you going to do Halloween with your kids at all, or are you just going to write it off?

00:59:42.000 I can't.

00:59:43.000 How long have you gone for?

00:59:46.000 I think Ari and I are going to a Saints-Bucks game on the 6th, and then me, Sal, Volcano, and Nate Bargazzi are doing the Joy Theater the evening of the 6th.

00:59:56.000 Oh, okay.

00:59:57.000 So then you're at home after that.

00:59:57.000 I'm home on the 7th.

00:59:58.000 Why don't you dress up like a clown when you get home? 1.00

01:00:00.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:00:03.000 My daughter, Isla, loves dressing as a clown, and it creeps me the fuck out. 1.00

01:00:06.000 Ah! 0.99

01:00:07.000 She buys different wigs on Amazon and has them sent and just throws them on and puts makeup on her face. 0.87

01:00:12.000 One day you're gonna wake up and she's gonna be at the foot of the bed. 1.00

01:00:16.000 That would freak me out the worst is someone dressed as a fucking clown in my room. 1.00

01:00:20.000 Oh, dude. 1.00

01:00:21.000 I don't like that shit. 1.00

01:00:22.000 What is it about clowns that freak people out? 1.00

01:00:24.000 Is it that you don't know who's really under that makeup?

01:00:26.000 It's like a weird thing, right? 0.94

01:00:28.000 And also, the kind of choices that you have to make in your life where you wind up being a grown person, being a clown. 0.99

01:00:33.000 Like, what did you fuck up? 0.99

01:00:35.000 Like, what demons are you hiding? 0.99

01:00:37.000 What mistakes have you made? 1.00

01:00:38.000 John Wayne Gacy really fucked up being a clown. 0.96

01:00:40.000 Ooh, he did. 0.99

01:00:41.000 Because that was like the one where you're like, oh, there's something sinister underneath there.

01:00:45.000 Maybe that's where it started.

01:00:47.000 Maybe that's where it all started with people.

01:00:49.000 It had to, right? 1.00

01:00:50.000 Didn't that fucker killed like 30-something kids and bury them all in his backyard? 1.00

01:00:54.000 Did you ever see what- they did a movie on him. 1.00

01:00:56.000 Did you ever see what he would do?

01:00:57.000 He would- oh god.

01:00:59.000 What did he call himself? 0.98

01:01:01.000 He had a name for his clown.

01:01:04.000 It wasn't Pennywise.

01:01:05.000 Pennywise is from IT. I was about to say Pennywise.

01:01:09.000 He would take- he would take trick handcuffs.

01:01:14.000 And he'd bring a kid to his house and say, here, put these on me.

01:01:19.000 And then he'd put them on, and then he'd go behind his back and he'd undo it.

01:01:22.000 And he'd go, ha ha, I got out.

01:01:23.000 And the kid'd be like, wait, how did you do that?

01:01:24.000 And he'd be like, here, I'll show you, turn around. 1.00

01:01:26.000 And then he'd get real handcuffs and handcuff the kid and then fucking kill them. 0.99

01:01:31.000 So he wanted the element of fear and terror, not just killing the kid. 1.00

01:01:36.000 He wanted to freak the kid out.

01:01:37.000 He wanted to trick him. 1.00

01:01:39.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:01:40.000 See, I'm two steps ahead of that shit. 1.00

01:01:41.000 I am so cautious. 1.00

01:01:44.000 I got offered a threesome my last night of drinking in DC. What does it have to do with being a baby getting handcuffed by an evil clown? 0.94

01:01:54.000 These two girls are like, let's go to strip club. 1.00

01:01:57.000 I'm like, cool.

01:01:57.000 They're dating.

01:01:59.000 And we get there.

01:02:01.000 And my spidey sense just shows up.

01:02:03.000 And they're like, you're in an open relationship, right?

01:02:05.000 And I was like, no, not at all.

01:02:07.000 And they're like, oh.

01:02:09.000 Well, let us get you a drink. 0.99

01:02:10.000 And part of me is like, oh, they're fucking roofing me. 0.99

01:02:13.000 They're going to rob me. 1.00

01:02:14.000 Like, they don't want to fuck me. 1.00

01:02:15.000 Who wants to fuck me? 1.00

01:02:17.000 They're going to roofie me, get me to a hotel room, and then fucking take my watch off, take my ring, go through my wallet, take my cash out. 1.00

01:02:25.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:02:26.000 They didn't.

01:02:26.000 Obviously they didn't.

01:02:27.000 I'm a little oversensitive about shit like that, but they got me a drink. 0.98

01:02:30.000 I'm talking back up to the bar. 0.98

01:02:31.000 I go, hey, make me a new drink.

01:02:32.000 And they were like, what?

01:02:33.000 And I go, I didn't see this one come to me.

01:02:35.000 I'll make me a new drink.

01:02:36.000 I'll pay for both. 0.99

01:02:36.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99

01:02:37.000 Make me a new drink. 0.99

01:02:38.000 And then I said to the lady, I was like, hey, don't let anyone bring me a drink but you. 1.00

01:02:41.000 Just you brings me a drink.

01:02:43.000 She was like, okay.

01:02:44.000 Dude, you're paranoid. 1.00

01:02:45.000 I am very paranoid about that shit. 1.00

01:02:47.000 Have you ever been roofied? 0.99

01:02:48.000 Yeah.

01:02:49.000 Really?

01:02:49.000 A lot.

01:02:54.000 A lot.

01:02:55.000 How many times have you been roofied?

01:02:57.000 About four times.

01:02:58.000 Really?

01:02:58.000 Yeah.

01:02:59.000 When?

01:02:59.000 Just partying.

01:03:01.000 I was the party animal in college.

01:03:03.000 And so people would just drop it in your drink for a goof?

01:03:05.000 The first time it happened to me, it was a bar.

01:03:07.000 I think it used to be called The First.

01:03:08.000 They tore down The First, but it was a place right next door to The First over on that side of campus.

01:03:13.000 And it happened to me, and my beer was fizzing up.

01:03:15.000 And I was like, that's odd. 0.59

01:03:16.000 I killed it.

01:03:17.000 Next thing you know, I end up in my roommate's dog bed the next day.

01:03:21.000 And I'm like, what happened? 0.99

01:03:22.000 And they're like, yeah, you got fucking... 0.96

01:03:24.000 You got to slip something because you were out of it. 0.99

01:03:26.000 You were talking to the dog and that was the first time.

01:03:28.000 And then it just is how I got slipped acid one time by a guy at a party.

01:03:33.000 He's like, do you think you can party?

01:03:34.000 And I was like, yeah, definitely.

01:03:36.000 He's like, all right.

01:03:37.000 And then next thing you know, he's like, hey, man, enjoy the trip.

01:03:39.000 And I was like, oh, why would you do that?

01:03:42.000 So, how did he give it to you?

01:03:44.000 I put it in my drink, and then kept drinking.

01:03:47.000 And I end up in a hotel room in the mirror, and I'm looking in my eye.

01:03:52.000 And in my eye, I can see my reflection of me in my eye.

01:03:55.000 And my buddy, Mike Osborne, I shouldn't say his name.

01:03:58.000 Well, I'm sorry.

01:03:58.000 Too late.

01:03:59.000 He had drank some of my same drink.

01:04:01.000 We were sharing the drink.

01:04:01.000 It was a big, like, 32-ounce cup.

01:04:03.000 And I'm staring at my eye into my eye, and I'm like, I don't feel right.

01:04:07.000 I really don't feel right.

01:04:08.000 And I look at Osborne, and he's, Mike, and he's sitting in the bathtub, and he's like, these aren't my feet.

01:04:12.000 And I was like, I was like, I think we got slipped something, man. 0.98

01:04:16.000 He's like, you fucked with that one guy, this Lambda Chi. 0.98

01:04:19.000 I said, yeah. 0.99

01:04:19.000 And he goes, yeah, he was putting acid in your drink. 0.99

01:04:21.000 He put acid in your drink. 1.00

01:04:22.000 Did I drink off your fucking drink? 1.00

01:04:23.000 And I was like, ah. 1.00

01:04:25.000 But it's happened.

01:04:25.000 I happened one time in Phoenix.

01:04:27.000 It was about to happen.

01:04:29.000 I thought it was going to happen.

01:04:30.000 This kid was really adamant about me doing a shot with him.

01:04:33.000 And I said to him, I was like, yo, man, you're not roofing me, are you?

01:04:36.000 The kid looked at me dead serious.

01:04:38.000 He goes, hey, man, no offense.

01:04:39.000 What am I doing with this body?

01:04:41.000 I go, what?

01:04:42.000 And he goes, how am I getting you out of here?

01:04:43.000 You see a wheelbarrow?

01:04:45.000 I was like, oh yeah, good call.

01:04:47.000 Well, he didn't have to carry you out to roof you.

01:04:49.000 He just roof you and leave you there.

01:04:51.000 Like the guy who left you in the dog bed.

01:04:53.000 That's the part of it.

01:04:57.000 It terrifies me.

01:04:59.000 I don't smoke joints people give me.

01:05:01.000 I don't really do coke, but people give me coke a lot.

01:05:04.000 I don't do anyone's drugs that they give me.

01:05:06.000 I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to pass.

01:05:09.000 Yeah, I don't smoke weed with people anymore.

01:05:11.000 I had a guy in Cleveland that wanted to, he looked like a cop, like completely looked like a cop, and he was asking me where to get DMT. And I was like, what?

01:05:22.000 And he was like a fit-looking guy with a crew cut who was like real sketchy.

01:05:27.000 I'm like, what?

01:05:28.000 And he goes, yeah, man, where can I get some DMT? I go, what are you talking about?

01:05:32.000 And I'm like looking at him, he's like, come on, man, you know.

01:05:34.000 And I go, I don't know.

01:05:35.000 Why don't you tell me what you know?

01:05:37.000 I go, what are you talking about, man?

01:05:38.000 What are you, a cop?

01:05:39.000 And he looked at me, and next thing you know, he's gone.

01:05:42.000 It was real sketchy, and I was like, I can't be getting high with people.

01:05:47.000 I don't know.

01:05:47.000 You don't know people.

01:05:49.000 You never know.

01:05:49.000 You run into someone, and they put anything in your joint.

01:05:52.000 Who knows?

01:05:53.000 It could be angel dust.

01:05:54.000 And I know a guy that happened, too.

01:05:56.000 He got slipped angel dust in his weed. 1.00

01:05:58.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:05:59.000 Yeah, I had a comic. 1.00

01:06:01.000 I've had comics.

01:06:02.000 I'm the go-to when comics get in trouble on the road.

01:06:04.000 I always get the phone call going, hey, man, I need to run something by you.

01:06:09.000 I'm freaked out.

01:06:09.000 Something happened to me.

01:06:11.000 Has this ever happened to you?

01:06:12.000 Right.

01:06:13.000 And I had a comic call me when I was in D.C. He was like, hey, man, I got slipped something last night, and I'm still a little sketchy, but I want to just run it by you.

01:06:23.000 I know that this stuff's happened to you.

01:06:25.000 And I talked to him.

01:06:25.000 We talked for about an hour.

01:06:27.000 And then he was like, alright, I gotta go to the show.

01:06:28.000 I appreciate it, man.

01:06:29.000 I feel like a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one this happened to.

01:06:33.000 But yeah, I mean, you know...

01:06:35.000 People can do it if they're...

01:06:36.000 You never know someone's motivations.

01:06:38.000 I mean, you could...

01:06:39.000 It's nice to believe that almost everybody you meet is great.

01:06:43.000 And most people you all... 1.00

01:06:44.000 Look, you could live your life and never meet one single sick fuck who wants a roofie. 1.00

01:06:48.000 You could be really lucky. 1.00

01:06:50.000 Or you could run into one the first night you decide to take drinks from people.

01:06:55.000 That's happened to a lot of people, especially women. 1.00

01:06:57.000 I know so many women who have been drugged.

01:07:00.000 Oh.

01:07:00.000 So many.

01:07:01.000 Girls I've dated, girls who are friends with people I've dated, girls who are dating friends of mine got drugged at a bar. 0.98

01:07:09.000 It's so fucking common. 0.98

01:07:11.000 Every girl... 0.99

01:07:12.000 When she gets a drink from a bar, has to literally keep her eye on the drink.

01:07:18.000 She gets it from the bartender, or if somebody gives it to her, boy, you're already taking a chance.

01:07:23.000 You've already lost the chain of custody, right?

01:07:25.000 Some guy grabs it from the bartender.

01:07:27.000 Who knows what he did before he gives it to you? 1.00

01:07:30.000 And there's a bunch of twisted fucking men out there, man. 1.00

01:07:34.000 Really? 1.00

01:07:34.000 There's fucked up people everywhere, but there is a lot of fucked up men. 1.00

01:07:37.000 I think, we've been talking about this a lot, this Bill Cosby thing, that I think that that was a part of what men did back then. 0.99

01:07:45.000 Oh, it was super common.

01:07:48.000 Hugh Hefner used to call them panty droppers.

01:07:51.000 This is like noted.

01:07:53.000 Like, oh, there was nothing wrong with giving a girl a quaalude. 0.99

01:07:55.000 It's a panty dropper. 0.99

01:07:56.000 Some girl wrote a book and said that when she first met Hef, he offered her a quaalude.

01:08:01.000 Yeah, but see, here's one thing.

01:08:03.000 Do you want a Quaalude?

01:08:04.000 Yes, I do. 1.00

01:08:05.000 And you give someone a Quaalude and they take it, and then they're fucked up. 0.99

01:08:09.000 It's another thing to give someone a Quaalude when they don't know what they're taking. 0.99

01:08:12.000 Yes.

01:08:13.000 And I think he did that a lot.

01:08:14.000 And I think that was, they used to call it slipping someone a Mickey.

01:08:17.000 Yeah, Bill Cosby.

01:08:18.000 And that's a different animal. 1.00

01:08:21.000 And there's another thing, giving someone something because you want to fuck them and they don't want to fuck you. 1.00

01:08:25.000 Like, oh, you don't want to fuck me? 1.00

01:08:27.000 Hey, you want a Quaalude? 1.00

01:08:27.000 And now you're going to fuck me because now you're like... 1.00

01:08:30.000 You know, it's just something really fucked up about wanting that. 1.00

01:08:38.000 I kind of say out loud with all the sexual harassment, all the dirt that's going around, I go, how did I dodge? 0.99

01:08:45.000 Is it because I got married younger?

01:08:48.000 But I just never was into that. 1.00

01:08:50.000 Well, first of all, you're not a producer who's holding employment over someone's head and trying to get them to suck your dick. 1.00

01:08:57.000 There is a big difference between... 0.99

01:08:59.000 Having you know unsavory male behavior that would be difficult to defend because you're trying to get laid versus What you're seeing it what people are furious about rightly so is predatory behavior by a person who's in power affecting someone's employment and career right is I was talking with Whitney Cummings about this.

01:09:22.000 And, you know, because Whitney, obviously, she's a female, prominent actress, comedian, you know, she's been... 1.00

01:09:28.000 Beautiful.

01:09:29.000 Yeah, and she knows a lot of these people. 1.00

01:09:30.000 And she was saying, what you're not hearing is how many women sucked his dick and got a big part. 1.00

01:09:37.000 Sucked his dick and made it into a movie. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:40.000 It was a negotiating tactic.

01:09:43.000 Like, he was just...

01:09:45.000 That's how he dated.

01:09:47.000 I mean, that's how he got laid. 1.00

01:09:49.000 It's like straight-up predatory shit. 1.00

01:09:51.000 And then her friend had a really good point. 1.00

01:09:53.000 She was like, what's fucked up about it is not that he did it. 0.99

01:09:57.000 She goes, obviously that's fucked up. 0.99

01:09:59.000 But what's also fucked up is that that was the culture. 0.99

01:10:02.000 That's what those guys did. 0.83

01:10:04.000 Before there was the internet, before there was any accountability at all, like in the 70s and the 60s, that is what all those guys did. 0.99

01:10:12.000 That's what they did like in a lot of those starlets that's how that's you got to pay to play and that's what they did They had to fuck these guys like that's literally how it all went down. 0.74

01:10:22.000 It's crazy I always thought that I always thought that whenever I got something like Elliot Gould and I did a pilot together and he left his number in my in my dressing room He's like we should go to dinner one night. 0.99

01:10:32.000 I was like, I'm gonna have to fuck him No, I kept dodging him. 0.96

01:10:38.000 I kept dodging him. 1.00

01:10:39.000 He'd call and he'd be like, Bert, it's Elliot.

01:10:41.000 I still would like to take you to a seafood dinner.

01:10:43.000 And I was like, okay.

01:10:44.000 So then we went to seafood dinner down in Venice.

01:10:49.000 It was just dinner.

01:10:50.000 It was really nice.

01:10:51.000 And we talked about art.

01:10:52.000 He's a nice guy.

01:10:52.000 He's a really sweet guy.

01:10:54.000 Even at the end of the night, I was like, you're not going to try to kiss me or anything?

01:10:58.000 Bert, I'm not really into bears.

01:11:00.000 He was such a sweet guy, and then randomly I saw him like five years later, or maybe more than that, maybe eight years later, and I had Georgia and Isla, and I was with Leanne, and I was with Leanne's dad, and we were walking from Baja Fresh by the Screen Actors Guild.

01:11:14.000 We were walking out of Baja Fresh, and Elliot saw me, and he was like, Bert, it's Elliot!

01:11:18.000 And I was like, hey, Elliot!

01:11:20.000 And my wife's dad's like, you know Elliot Gould?

01:11:23.000 And I was like, he gave me, we were in this pilot together, and He was playing a blind guy.

01:11:28.000 And we were doing pickups.

01:11:30.000 We just couldn't get the line right.

01:11:31.000 The line was that the girl came in. 0.94

01:11:34.000 Liz Vassie came in. 0.99

01:11:36.000 She was the bride.

01:11:37.000 We were about to get married.

01:11:38.000 And she sees us all drinking.

01:11:40.000 I'm the best man.

01:11:41.000 And she's like, hey, wait, can I have a beer?

01:11:43.000 And then I'm supposed to go, of course.

01:11:45.000 That's all I had to say.

01:11:46.000 Of course.

01:11:48.000 But I wasn't getting the of course right.

01:11:50.000 They wanted, of course, to really navigate that me and her were cool.

01:11:54.000 They wanted to make sure that we were cool.

01:11:56.000 The whole network's there.

01:11:57.000 CBS is all there.

01:11:58.000 It's like 11.30 at night.

01:11:59.000 We've shot the pilot.

01:12:00.000 We just need this pickup.

01:12:01.000 I did it like 12 times, and then Elliot is a blind guy behind me.

01:12:05.000 And he leans into my head and he goes, Bert, how would you say it?

01:12:08.000 And I said, what do you mean?

01:12:09.000 He goes, say it the way you'd say it.

01:12:11.000 Then just stands back up.

01:12:13.000 So she comes in.

01:12:14.000 She goes, hey, can I have a beer? 0.99

01:12:16.000 I go, is a duck's ass watertight? 0.99

01:12:18.000 Get over here. 0.99

01:12:18.000 And everyone laughs. 0.99

01:12:19.000 Gets a big laugh.

01:12:20.000 And then the director comes up.

01:12:22.000 Gets right up to my face. 1.00

01:12:23.000 He goes, hey, you're fucking me in the fucking ass right now. 1.00

01:12:27.000 Do you understand me? 1.00

01:12:28.000 You are fucking me in the fucking ass. 1.00

01:12:30.000 You will never work again. 1.00

01:12:31.000 And he walks away.

01:12:32.000 Elliot's standing by him and he goes, sorry.

01:12:34.000 Sorry.

01:12:37.000 You will never work again!

01:12:38.000 The poor guy was losing his mind.

01:12:41.000 But still.

01:12:44.000 I mean, it's not the same thing as the sexual harassment, but there's this thing of the power over you.

01:12:51.000 The power to, like, literally hold your career hostage.

01:12:55.000 You will never work again.

01:12:57.000 That's always the big threat.

01:13:00.000 I mean, how many people have you heard were blackballed?

01:13:03.000 Right?

01:13:03.000 You always hear that.

01:13:05.000 You always hear, like, Brett Butler was blackballed.

01:13:07.000 Remember?

01:13:08.000 She used to be Grace Under Fire. 0.99

01:13:10.000 She used to be on that show. 1.00

01:13:11.000 And by the way, let's just talk about the side stories you'd hear about Brett Butler that they'd share when you were young and you'd go into a meeting.

01:13:17.000 You don't want to turn into Brett Butler.

01:13:18.000 Yeah.

01:13:19.000 Sitting up, locking yourself up in a tree, throwing oranges at everybody.

01:13:22.000 Yeah.

01:13:23.000 And you're like, what?

01:13:23.000 I can't talk about it.

01:13:25.000 And then you're like, what the fuck kind of crazy person is Brett Butler? 0.99

01:13:28.000 I met Brett Butler doing Good Morning America one time. 0.99

01:13:31.000 She was the sweetest person in the world. 0.99

01:13:32.000 Well, she went through some shit, apparently. 0.99

01:13:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:13:35.000 And she's been pretty open about it.

01:13:36.000 You know, and she did Charlie Sheen's newer show, the newer show. 0.99

01:13:40.000 And in the newer show, like, she was kind of, like, that was part of the premise.

01:13:43.000 Like, she was a bartender.

01:13:44.000 Yeah.

01:13:44.000 She was kind of alluding to the fact that she had made some gigantic mistakes and it was kind of like a play to her, like to who she actually was.

01:13:53.000 But she was on that show, Grace Under Fire, and Chuck Lorre, the same guy that did Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen, was the guy running it.

01:14:01.000 And she threw a drink in his face. 1.00

01:14:03.000 And said something horrible and nasty.

01:14:06.000 I don't know what she said.

01:14:07.000 I don't want to misquote, but it was something along the lines of, you know, no wonder why your wife left you if you write like this.

01:14:13.000 Something along those lines.

01:14:14.000 Really?

01:14:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:16.000 Look, I've seen it. 0.99

01:14:19.000 People lose their fucking mind when they go from being no one to, in a short amount of time, being the star. 0.99

01:14:28.000 It's Grace Under Fire with Brett Butler. 1.00

01:14:30.000 It's Roseanne.

01:14:31.000 Roseanne talked about it when she was on the podcast. 1.00

01:14:33.000 She was saying, I lost my fucking mind. 1.00

01:14:35.000 I went crazy. 1.00

01:14:37.000 Roseanne's the best, by the way.

01:14:39.000 You ever meet her?

01:14:40.000 Yeah, I met her a long time ago. 0.98

01:14:42.000 Dude, she's fucking awesome. 1.00

01:14:43.000 I love that lady. 1.00

01:14:44.000 Yeah.

01:14:45.000 I love her.

01:14:46.000 But she was talking about it.

01:14:47.000 She's like, I went crazy.

01:14:48.000 She goes, you know, all of a sudden I went from being this housewife, you know, having no money, to being the star of this giant sitcom that was like, at the time, when she was on Roseanne, what was it, like four channels?

01:15:03.000 And that was a legit good show.

01:15:05.000 Giant show! 1.00

01:15:06.000 John Goodman's her fucking husband. 1.00

01:15:08.000 That fucking show was giant. 1.00

01:15:10.000 She was the queen of the world. 1.00

01:15:12.000 They're redoing that.

01:15:13.000 I know, and Whitney Cummings is the executive producer.

01:15:15.000 My buddy's producing it.

01:15:16.000 That's amazing. 0.79

01:15:17.000 Yeah, he's like, dude, it's so much fucking fun.

01:15:20.000 I'm sure. 0.95

01:15:21.000 I was like, really?

01:15:21.000 He's like, yeah.

01:15:22.000 He talks about the writing staff is like Norm MacDonald, Morgan Murphy.

01:15:26.000 Yeah. 0.85

01:15:26.000 Like, just killers. 0.85

01:15:27.000 Killers. 1.00

01:15:28.000 Killers. 0.71

01:15:29.000 But, you know, but Roseanne is in a position that you and I will never be in.

01:15:34.000 Because it's not even possible to be in that position anymore.

01:15:37.000 Because there's so many more stars now.

01:15:40.000 Because there's so many more venues, there's so many more channels.

01:15:42.000 Like you were just talking about, we were talking about Impractical Jokers.

01:15:44.000 Think about those guys who are giant right now, right?

01:15:46.000 Those guys are on TruTV. 0.99

01:15:49.000 What the fuck is TruTV? 0.99

01:15:50.000 Who the hell's even watching that, right? 0.99

01:15:52.000 It doesn't matter.

01:15:52.000 They made it through on TruTV, right?

01:15:55.000 Sebastian's a giant star.

01:15:56.000 From what? 1.00

01:15:56.000 From fucking Showtime. 1.00

01:15:58.000 Who the hell saw that coming, right? 1.00

01:16:00.000 Only since Gallagher.

01:16:01.000 Gallagher was the last guy to get giant through Showtime.

01:16:04.000 And now it's Sebastian, right?

01:16:05.000 Top ten comics in the country making money, Sebastian.

01:16:10.000 But think about all the different possibilities, all the different YouTube stars, all the different cable shows, all the different, you know, there's so many Netflix shows, so many stand-up specials.

01:16:22.000 It's a different world now.

01:16:23.000 When Roseanne was a star, she was one of maybe 20 stars, you know what I'm saying?

01:16:28.000 Now there's 20,000.

01:16:29.000 It's a different world.

01:16:31.000 It is, but I think the hubris still rides with it.

01:16:35.000 I know I'm guilty of it at times.

01:16:37.000 But you can get carried away, and also the pressure of a show rides on your back, too.

01:16:41.000 That's another thing to take into consideration. 0.99

01:16:43.000 You have all these other people that are around you, and they all have their own little thing, and they're fucking with you, and it erodes your own concentration and your own vision, and sometimes it's like, hey, hey, hey, it's my fucking show! 0.98

01:16:56.000 It's the Bert Kreischer Experience! 0.98

01:16:58.000 We're gonna do it my way! 1.00

01:17:00.000 Everybody shut the fuck up! 1.00

01:17:04.000 Give me a drink! 1.00

01:17:05.000 You know, I mean, that's how it all starts.

01:17:07.000 I mean, that's probably what happened with Charlie Sheen.

01:17:11.000 You know, that's probably what happens with a lot of these people.

01:17:13.000 They just get whacked out.

01:17:16.000 And I think also there's a...

01:17:18.000 There's a thing that happens, too, when you do a bad show.

01:17:21.000 It's a particular type of off-the-rails.

01:17:23.000 When you know you're doing an unsatisfying bad show, and I think that was one of the things that was happening to Charlie Sheenman, who's on Two and a Half Men, because that was a bad show.

01:17:30.000 And he was a great actor.

01:17:33.000 Platoon!

01:17:33.000 Wall Street!

01:17:35.000 I mean, go back and look at his catalog of films that he was in.

01:17:39.000 Amazing movies.

01:17:40.000 Charlie Sheen was legit.

01:17:41.000 And then all of a sudden he's delivering these hacky punchlines to a canned laugh machine.

01:17:48.000 Yeah.

01:17:49.000 It's like...

01:17:49.000 And he's just doing blow.

01:17:52.000 And he's got HIV. And he's just fucking... 1.00

01:17:55.000 Who knows what he's doing. 1.00

01:17:57.000 How did he even get HIV? I mean, he might be the...

01:18:00.000 If he got it through straight sex, he might be the only guy ever.

01:18:03.000 That's what they say.

01:18:04.000 Yeah, like literally.

01:18:05.000 Who else, you know?

01:18:06.000 They say Magic Johnson.

01:18:08.000 They say Tommy Morrison.

01:18:09.000 I've heard some things.

01:18:11.000 Everybody have heard some things.

01:18:12.000 I mean, I think, who knows?

01:18:14.000 Who knows what people are doing?

01:18:15.000 Who knows?

01:18:15.000 But it ain't a whole lot of guys.

01:18:18.000 It's a tiny little handful.

01:18:20.000 Sam Kinison used to have a bit about it.

01:18:22.000 Really?

01:18:22.000 You know, they say Sam.

01:18:24.000 They say AIDS. AIDS is a communicable disease.

01:18:27.000 Heterosexuals die of it too. 0.98

01:18:28.000 He goes, name one! 1.00

01:18:30.000 Name one fucking guy! 1.00

01:18:32.000 Name one! 1.00

01:18:33.000 It's not our dance!

01:18:35.000 It's not our dance! 1.00

01:18:36.000 It's not our fucking dance! 1.00

01:18:38.000 Yeah, it was one of his bits that got him really, really criticized. 0.99

01:18:42.000 But then people were like, wait a minute, is he right?

01:18:45.000 I had some people from the CDC come to my show in Atlanta one time, and we were joking around, and I said something about, like, tell me about diseases.

01:18:56.000 I was trying to think of a bit.

01:18:58.000 Like trying to like pick their brains for something.

01:19:01.000 And the guy goes, I'll tell you one joke we have.

01:19:03.000 I said, what's that?

01:19:04.000 And he goes, you know what we call a straight guy with AIDS? I said, what?

01:19:06.000 And he goes, a liar. 0.98

01:19:07.000 I went, wow. 1.00

01:19:09.000 Well, he could be an intravenous drug user.

01:19:11.000 Yeah.

01:19:12.000 I mean, you could.

01:19:12.000 I had two uncles die from HIV, but I think it was drugs.

01:19:16.000 There's that, and there's also the medication they give the people.

01:19:20.000 That was apparently a giant issue in the 80s and the 90s, was that AZT that they were giving them.

01:19:26.000 AZT apparently used to be a chemotherapy medication, but it was killing people quicker than cancer was.

01:19:34.000 So they stopped giving it to cancer patients.

01:19:36.000 And there was a lot of real confusion when AIDS first came about.

01:19:42.000 I remember there was some local story, some story in Boston about some scientist was trying to say that AIDS was a derivative of the herpes virus. 0.97

01:19:53.000 Yeah, they didn't know what the fuck it was when it first burst on the scene. 0.94

01:19:56.000 And by the way, dude, everybody thought they had it. 0.97

01:19:59.000 I'm older than you, but I got my first...

01:20:01.000 Blood test for HIV in 1993, and I was shitting my pants.

01:20:07.000 I was thinking about every one night stand on the road, every freaky girl, like, let's do shots. 0.96

01:20:11.000 Next thing you know, you're raw dog in some dirty hotel room.

01:20:14.000 And like, oh my God, am I going to die?

01:20:16.000 You know, you start thinking.

01:20:17.000 I was so scared.

01:20:19.000 So scared.

01:20:20.000 And then when it came back clean, I was like, and I was like, I'm only going to wear condoms from here on out.

01:20:26.000 It's a good, clean bill of health.

01:20:27.000 I got mine in 95, my first AIDS test.

01:20:30.000 Oh, it's so nice, right?

01:20:31.000 Oh, it's terrifying.

01:20:32.000 And by the way, I'd only been with two chicks, ever. 1.00

01:20:34.000 But one of the girls had slept around with a lot of guys. 1.00

01:20:37.000 Oh, that bitch! 1.00

01:20:38.000 And gave me the clap. 1.00

01:20:39.000 Did she?

01:20:40.000 Yeah.

01:20:40.000 I'd only been with two chicks, and I got the clap.

01:20:42.000 That's hilarious.

01:20:44.000 Did you ever get crabs?

01:20:45.000 Nah, I went straight to the clap.

01:20:47.000 The doctor, I went into the doctor.

01:20:49.000 She just got back from Russia.

01:20:49.000 She slept with my best friend.

01:20:51.000 Was one of the guys.

01:20:52.000 She had slept with a few.

01:20:54.000 I get the clap.

01:20:55.000 It's burning.

01:20:56.000 I go into the doctor, and I'm like, I'm having a burning sensation, and I'm trying to get in front of this.

01:21:01.000 I'm like, you know, I did a hike in Switzerland, and I drank out of a trough, so I was probably through that.

01:21:06.000 And he was like, nah. 1.00

01:21:07.000 Did you fuck a cow? 1.00

01:21:11.000 He goes... 1.00

01:21:13.000 He goes, uh, you got the clap. 1.00

01:21:16.000 Have you been fucking around? 0.98

01:21:17.000 By the way, now, like I was 22 at the time, now I realize this guy was probably just 27. You know, he wasn't a grown-up. 0.99

01:21:23.000 He was just a kid. 0.99

01:21:24.000 And he goes, uh, have you been fucking around? 0.98

01:21:25.000 I said, I just got back from Europe. 1.00

01:21:27.000 I hadn't had sex with anybody.

01:21:28.000 He's like, oh, your girlfriend's cheating on you.

01:21:30.000 And I was like, no, I don't think so.

01:21:33.000 Isn't it funny to them?

01:21:34.000 It's like so obvious and objective.

01:21:36.000 Yeah.

01:21:36.000 You know, it's like, come on, man.

01:21:37.000 Your girlfriend, it happens all the time. 1.00

01:21:39.000 No, no, no, no.

01:21:40.000 Not Magdalene.

01:21:41.000 Magdalene, she's a rose.

01:21:42.000 She's beautiful.

01:21:43.000 She's the light of my life.

01:21:45.000 I go, impossible.

01:21:45.000 Impossible.

01:21:45.000 He goes, well, let me ask you a question.

01:21:47.000 When you go to a bar, do you and your dick split up so we can cover more territory? 0.99

01:21:51.000 I was like, excuse me? 1.00

01:21:52.000 He goes, when you go to a bar, when you go to Young's, you and your dick take off in different territories to cover more surface area, and then meet up at the end of the night and go, oh, this is who we fucked. 0.99

01:21:59.000 I go, no. 0.99

01:22:00.000 And he goes, then your girlfriend's cheating on you. 1.00

01:22:01.000 She's a whore, man. 1.00

01:22:02.000 Get rid of her. 1.00

01:22:03.000 She's a whore? 1.00

01:22:04.000 He said she's a whore? 1.00

01:22:05.000 I remember being like, I thought he was a grown-up. 1.00

01:22:06.000 Now I know he's just a kid.

01:22:07.000 He's just a kid.

01:22:08.000 He's like, yeah.

01:22:09.000 And I was like, that's impossible.

01:22:11.000 He goes, listen, man, I can give you the test.

01:22:13.000 I can give you the test if you want, or I can just give you the medication and you can get rid of it.

01:22:16.000 And I was like, give me the test.

01:22:18.000 I'm telling you, she's not.

01:22:20.000 And then he did that. 1.00

01:22:21.000 Have you ever had the test where they put the Q-tip in your dick? 1.00

01:22:23.000 You've never had that? 1.00

01:22:24.000 No. 0.99

01:22:26.000 It is one of the most painful things I've ever felt in my entire fucking life. 0.99

01:22:30.000 Jesus. 0.99

01:22:31.000 Puts the Q-tip...

01:22:32.000 How far down?

01:22:33.000 Down.

01:22:34.000 He swabs it.

01:22:35.000 He swabs. 1.00

01:22:36.000 Ooh, how deep?

01:22:37.000 Halfway, I guess.

01:22:38.000 So two inches?

01:22:39.000 Well, I mean, halfway from me is like probably nine.

01:22:41.000 That's a joke.

01:22:42.000 That was a joke.

01:22:43.000 I didn't get it.

01:22:44.000 Jesus.

01:22:45.000 Probably about an inch.

01:22:47.000 It was soft!

01:22:50.000 He goes in and swabs it, and as soon as he...

01:22:52.000 He told me, he goes, grab onto the side of the table, it's gonna hurt. 1.00

01:22:55.000 And as soon as he did it, I was like, she's a whore! 1.00

01:22:58.000 Fuck her, she's a whore! 1.00

01:23:01.000 I had an ex-girlfriend who went away. 1.00

01:23:02.000 She went to spring break and came back with rug burn on her back.

01:23:06.000 On her lower back.

01:23:07.000 I was like, wow.

01:23:09.000 She gave me some cockamamie story about she was drinking and she rubbed up against a nail. 1.00

01:23:13.000 She was drinking and leaning up against a fence.

01:23:16.000 Like, you rubbed up against a nail all over your lower back?

01:23:18.000 What are you, a bear?

01:23:19.000 Just... 0.97

01:23:25.000 You know how drunk you'd have to be to scratch up your lower back on a nail? 0.98

01:23:29.000 Like, it was the dumbest excuse ever, and I was like, okay. 0.88

01:23:33.000 Oh, that same girl, we went to New Orleans to Mardi Gras. 0.96

01:23:36.000 I was with my buddies, my buddy Mike Osborne.

01:23:38.000 I was with all my buddies.

01:23:39.000 It was the first time I ever did coke.

01:23:41.000 We're all partying, having a great time, and they're like, bro, you gotta make out with some chicks. 0.99

01:23:45.000 I go, no, man, I got a girlfriend.

01:23:46.000 I'm not going to.

01:23:46.000 And they're like, you don't have any beads.

01:23:47.000 I go, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:23:48.000 I'm not gonna cheat on her. 1.00

01:23:50.000 And then we run into her and she is covered in fucking beads. 1.00

01:23:53.000 Oh no! 0.99

01:23:54.000 And my buddies are like, how do you think she got those?

01:23:56.000 I was like, sometimes I just give them to girls.

01:24:01.000 Oh, sadness.

01:24:02.000 Thank God for those.

01:24:03.000 Those are good to get out of your system.

01:24:05.000 Dude, get those. 0.81

01:24:06.000 I'm so much more grateful for my wife because she's not that type of person. 0.99

01:24:10.000 I'm glad I had those. 0.98

01:24:11.000 Well, it's good to lower your expectations, too, because imagine if you married your high school sweetheart, you met when you were 16, you fell in love, she broke your virginity, you broke hers, and then one day when you're 35, you come home and she's getting gorilla fucked by her personal trainer. 0.99

01:24:26.000 Who looks like Emmett Smith, and he's just stuffing her into the corner of a couch and just fucking hammering it. 1.00

01:24:31.000 You walk in the house, it smells like pussy. 1.00

01:24:33.000 Like, what? 1.00

01:24:34.000 It smells like pussy and assholes in here. 1.00

01:24:36.000 Like, what the fuck is going on? 1.00

01:24:37.000 And you hear... 1.00

01:24:38.000 And she's like...

01:24:43.000 Making a noise you've never heard.

01:24:47.000 And you walk in the room right when he's jizzing in her face.

01:24:51.000 Oh.

01:24:52.000 Imagine the heartbreak.

01:24:53.000 See now like having gone, you know what happened to me?

01:24:56.000 There's a girl that I was dating We weren't like kind of I don't think we were like we weren't like boyfriend and girlfriend We were definitely having sex and fooling around and I think I was 17 at the time And she was 16. And I used to have a paper route where I'd get up in the morning and deliver papers.

01:25:17.000 And I would deliver papers every day, 365 days a year.

01:25:21.000 So I was up at...

01:25:22.000 Four o'clock in the morning on Sunday.

01:25:24.000 Sunday was the big day.

01:25:26.000 So Saturday night, people are out drinking.

01:25:28.000 They're still out.

01:25:29.000 I'm getting up in the morning and I'm leaving, right?

01:25:31.000 So it avoided a lot of nonsense in my life.

01:25:35.000 Like as far as partying when I was younger, I barely partied when I was in high school.

01:25:39.000 Really?

01:25:40.000 Yeah, because I was fighting.

01:25:41.000 I was fighting and I was getting up in the morning and delivering newspapers.

01:25:45.000 So those two things just knocked out all the booze. 0.99

01:25:47.000 It was a few moments.

01:25:49.000 One or two times at parties, a handful of times maybe I drank and smoked a joint or something.

01:25:54.000 But most of the time, squeaky clean. 0.99

01:25:56.000 Just worried about, you know, being hungover and getting my ass kicked and training and stuff like that. 0.99

01:26:02.000 So yeah, it was a fucked up childhood, but it worked out. 0.99

01:26:04.000 But anyway, I get up at 4 o'clock in the morning and go deliver newspapers. 0.99

01:26:07.000 I go outside.

01:26:08.000 This girl that I was dating is making out with one of my friends in the front seat of a car. 1.00

01:26:13.000 They're both fucked up right in front of my house. 0.98

01:26:17.000 Because the guy was my friend. 0.98

01:26:19.000 He was also friends with my sister, and my sister was friends with the girl.

01:26:23.000 And so the two of them were in a small town.

01:26:25.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:26.000 Newton Upper Falls.

01:26:27.000 We live in a small town just outside of Boston.

01:26:30.000 And they're making out right in front of my house.

01:26:32.000 So I'm like, I'm awake, sober.

01:26:35.000 I'm looking at them.

01:26:36.000 They're probably drunk.

01:26:37.000 They're in the car. 1.00

01:26:39.000 Grabbing tits and dicks and shit like that. 1.00

01:26:41.000 And I just slam my hand on the hood and I went, ah! 1.00

01:26:46.000 And they both looked at me like...

01:26:49.000 Then I got in the car and drove off. 1.00

01:26:51.000 Oh, shut up. 0.99

01:26:52.000 Yeah, but it was good. 1.00

01:26:53.000 It was good.

01:26:54.000 I was like, good.

01:26:55.000 Okay, because I wasn't sure.

01:26:56.000 Like, are we dating?

01:26:57.000 Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?

01:26:59.000 Like, I want to be your girlfriend.

01:27:00.000 Are we going to do this?

01:27:01.000 Are we going to be boyfriend and girlfriend?

01:27:02.000 It was that kind of thing.

01:27:03.000 Like, are we dating?

01:27:04.000 Are we just fooling around? 0.95

01:27:05.000 We were definitely having sex.

01:27:06.000 But it was like, I just stopped having this one girlfriend that I had.

01:27:10.000 I didn't know if I wanted a girlfriend anymore. 0.98

01:27:12.000 It was like a lot of weird shit when you're 17. But it's good to just see that early. 0.98

01:27:17.000 Like, okay.

01:27:18.000 Yeah.

01:27:19.000 This is good.

01:27:21.000 Like, it's good to just be devastated.

01:27:23.000 Like, when I was 18, the girl that I was dating, she moved away.

01:27:27.000 She moved to the other side of the state, and I went to visit her.

01:27:30.000 And I drove all the way to visit her, and when I got there, she didn't want to have sex with me. 1.00

01:27:35.000 I was like, what? 0.93

01:27:36.000 She was very manipulative.

01:27:38.000 She was a very...

01:27:40.000 Obviously, she's 17. People are weird when they're that age, right?

01:27:44.000 But she was just clearly knowing that I wanted it and just deciding not to.

01:27:50.000 But now... 0.56

01:27:52.000 That was a super valuable lesson of being like a needy weirdo. 0.95

01:27:58.000 You know, because when you're 18, you're so needy and just, you can be annoying.

01:28:03.000 And if one person wants something too much, it turns the other person off.

01:28:06.000 You know, it's like it becomes this weird little thing that you do.

01:28:09.000 Dude, not to segue into a very creepy area, but like saying that, I've been going through this a little bit.

01:28:17.000 My oldest daughter is starting to grow up.

01:28:20.000 And she doesn't need us as much.

01:28:24.000 I mean, it goes from being like this little girl that just everything.

01:28:28.000 Dad, let's go on a bike ride.

01:28:29.000 Dad, let's go have a catch in the front yard.

01:28:31.000 To like, hey George, let's go on a bike ride.

01:28:33.000 She's like, I'm busy.

01:28:34.000 How old now?

01:28:34.000 Thirteen.

01:28:35.000 Yeah, that's when it happens.

01:28:36.000 Hormones, man.

01:28:37.000 Yeah, and it's been...

01:28:38.000 I think I naturally tend to that needy guy of going like...

01:28:43.000 And I said to my wife, I said, I'm not handling this properly.

01:28:46.000 Because I get angry.

01:28:48.000 I go, come on.

01:28:50.000 I called her the other day.

01:28:51.000 I go, after the Rams game, I go, hey, we're going over to the Hayslips.

01:28:54.000 And she was like, 13. And she goes, this is the first time hearing of this.

01:29:00.000 And I go, what do you mean? 1.00

01:29:01.000 You're my fucking kid. 1.00

01:29:02.000 I will meet you there. 1.00

01:29:04.000 She goes, dad, it's a school night.

01:29:05.000 It's an early night.

01:29:06.000 We should probably...

01:29:06.000 And I go, no, no, no, no, no.

01:29:07.000 Like, she just wants her distance.

01:29:09.000 She wants to be home.

01:29:09.000 Right.

01:29:10.000 Like, reading a book or texting with her...

01:29:12.000 Well, she wants her own personal sovereignty. 1.00

01:29:14.000 She wants to be able to control her own life, right?

01:29:16.000 Yeah.

01:29:16.000 But I was like, there's got to be a dad's book out there of, like, how you deal with your child not wanting to be around you.

01:29:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:29:26.000 I used to do this thing where I'd drop them off and I'd just yell I love you until they couldn't hear me anymore.

01:29:30.000 Until they were far away.

01:29:32.000 I'd just go, I love you!

01:29:33.000 And this guy, I love you, I love you!

01:29:35.000 And other kids would be staring at him.

01:29:37.000 She said to me the other day, she goes, hey, why do you do that?

01:29:40.000 I was like, I don't know.

01:29:41.000 I don't know.

01:29:42.000 You don't like it?

01:29:42.000 She goes, there's kids that don't know me that don't know that it's a joke.

01:29:46.000 It would be better if you didn't do that.

01:29:48.000 And I was like, okay.

01:29:49.000 I've been doing this since she was a little girl.

01:29:51.000 And I was just like, alright.

01:29:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:29:53.000 Yeah, I can see how that was creepy. 1.00

01:29:55.000 And I was like, fuck, man. 1.00

01:29:58.000 You can't do that when they're 30. I love you! 1.00

01:30:03.000 Like, Dad, Dad, my kids are gonna wake up.

01:30:07.000 Yeah.

01:30:08.000 Your dad loves you!

01:30:09.000 But there is this needy dude in me that I do feel like it's part of a breakup.

01:30:14.000 You know when you go on a breakup and you love someone?

01:30:16.000 They're like, I just need my space.

01:30:17.000 And you'd be like, but hold on, does this mean we don't go to the movies anymore or something?

01:30:21.000 And you'd start panicking.

01:30:23.000 I started having that with my daughter and I said to my wife, I go, just so you know, I'm not processing her independence well.

01:30:30.000 Like, I just, part of me wants her to need me, you know?

01:30:33.000 Of course, of course.

01:30:34.000 And she doesn't know that she needs me.

01:30:35.000 She wants, and totally healthy for her to establish herself as her own person and do her own stuff, but man, all I can see is it's just going to get harder.

01:30:44.000 Well, there's one thing to take into consideration that you really can't fix, and that's you're on the road a lot.

01:30:49.000 Yeah.

01:30:49.000 You know, when kids are not around you all the time, and then when you're there, you're really overbearing.

01:30:53.000 It's like, hey, I'm used to my own space, and now you're fucking with me, and you're yelling I love you at school, and stop. 0.98

01:31:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:00.000 Stop. 1.00

01:31:01.000 You're ruining my thing. 0.99

01:31:02.000 I'm working on my thing, and you're stepping in and fucking it up. 0.97

01:31:07.000 And it's like, you know, I don't think about the product I put out. 0.95

01:31:11.000 I don't think that there's videos of me in Speedos.

01:31:15.000 I don't think of that stuff, but I'm sure that there's kids in her school that have Googled me and said something.

01:31:22.000 I can't imagine what kind of footprint I leave behind that she's got to sweep up and go. 0.97

01:31:28.000 And I'd never thought about that shit before, but now I'm starting to realize it. 0.99

01:31:32.000 Like I said at the end of the day, Georgia goes, I want to watch... 0.99

01:31:36.000 I want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 5, the last one, the six, whatever.

01:31:40.000 And Isla's like, I don't want to watch that.

01:31:41.000 And we start fighting about it.

01:31:42.000 And I just want us to be together as a family.

01:31:45.000 Stone sober, obviously. 0.99

01:31:46.000 And I have a moment of fucking honesty. 0.99

01:31:48.000 I go, hey, I feel like I fucked things up because I was on the road for seven years, okay? 0.98

01:31:51.000 I feel like I should have never done Tribal Channel.

01:31:53.000 I will always feel that way.

01:31:54.000 I will always feel that regret.

01:31:55.000 But these are the moments that I need in my life where we can all be a family.

01:31:58.000 And if you guys don't want to have it because I was gone for so long, I get it.

01:32:01.000 I get it.

01:32:02.000 But understand that if someone can just give an inch so that we can just hang out and watch this movie, it would mean a lot to me.

01:32:08.000 Okay?

01:32:09.000 I'm going to the store.

01:32:10.000 I'm going to get fish.

01:32:11.000 I'll be back.

01:32:12.000 And Georgia just pops up and she goes, I'll go to the store with you. 0.80

01:32:14.000 And I was like, aww.

01:32:16.000 And then Isla's like, well now I want to go to the store!

01:32:20.000 So we go to the store together.

01:32:22.000 That's a good way to handle it, though.

01:32:23.000 I mean, look, you can't fix the past, right?

01:32:25.000 I can't, man.

01:32:26.000 But you can acknowledge that maybe it wasn't ideal.

01:32:29.000 And that's a great thing, man, to have that kind of honesty.

01:32:31.000 Because that's a great lesson to your kid.

01:32:34.000 That, you know, like, if you have made mistakes, don't pretend you haven't.

01:32:37.000 Don't gloss over it.

01:32:39.000 Just talk about it.

01:32:40.000 Like, talk about your feelings honestly.

01:32:41.000 I mean, I think a lot of us were frustrated by the way we were raised in that regard.

01:32:44.000 That your parents never...

01:32:45.000 I mean, I don't know anybody ever saying they did anything wrong.

01:32:48.000 Ever.

01:32:49.000 Ever.

01:32:50.000 My dad never once said I'm sorry.

01:32:53.000 They didn't say that.

01:32:54.000 Nobody said that back then. 1.00

01:32:55.000 Just shut the fuck up and go outside. 1.00

01:32:57.000 That's what you heard. 1.00

01:32:59.000 Nobody taught you anything.

01:33:01.000 It's just like what you did.

01:33:03.000 Parents went to school, or parents went to work rather, and you went to school.

01:33:06.000 And then when you got home from school, there was nobody there.

01:33:08.000 You had a key.

01:33:09.000 You let yourself in the house. 1.00

01:33:11.000 And you fucking figured it out, stupid. 1.00

01:33:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:15.000 I mean, there's none of that today, man.

01:33:16.000 You learn how to make one meal and that's what you ate all the time because that's what you made yourself.

01:33:20.000 Mine was a frog in a hole where you put the hole in the bread and put an egg in the middle of the bread and then you flip it.

01:33:26.000 You ever had that?

01:33:27.000 No.

01:33:27.000 You ever had that, Jamie?

01:33:29.000 I don't call it that, though.

01:33:30.000 What do you call it?

01:33:32.000 Eye of something or other, I forget.

01:33:33.000 Yeah, it's really great.

01:33:34.000 It's the only thing I knew how to make.

01:33:36.000 You just take a cup and you cut the center out of bread, and then you crack an egg and you do an egg inside that center, and you let it grill, and then you flip it over.

01:33:44.000 That was the only thing I knew how to make.

01:33:45.000 I must have eaten hundreds of those.

01:33:46.000 Huh.

01:33:48.000 Yeah, we used to have to cook, like, one night a week.

01:33:51.000 We'd have to cook.

01:33:52.000 Really?

01:33:52.000 For the whole family.

01:33:53.000 Yeah, when I was in high school.

01:33:55.000 Yeah.

01:33:55.000 That's where I learned how to cook.

01:33:57.000 Can I tell you, and I don't know if they're a sponsor of your podcast, but can I tell you, one of the things that keeps my family together is fucking Blue Apron. 0.99

01:34:04.000 I swear to God. 0.98

01:34:05.000 Yeah, they're a sponsor.

01:34:06.000 The fact that they come in, and my kids will eat something different, and we cook a meal for four, and my daughters will be like, what is it tonight?

01:34:15.000 What's Blue Apron? 0.99

01:34:16.000 And we have dinner at least twice a week.

01:34:19.000 We get two meals from them a week.

01:34:20.000 At least twice a week we do a Blue Apron.

01:34:22.000 Well, the good thing about it is how easy it is, and there's no waste because everything is pre-portioned.

01:34:27.000 And the step-by-step photographic instructions makes it super easy.

01:34:31.000 It's a great service.

01:34:32.000 It really is.

01:34:33.000 They started selling wine.

01:34:34.000 They started sending wine out this month. 1.00

01:34:36.000 Fucking this month. 0.99

01:34:37.000 Is it just this month they started selling it? 0.99

01:34:39.000 For me.

01:34:39.000 They just started sending me wine.

01:34:41.000 Wine's nice, isn't it?

01:34:42.000 I really do like wine.

01:34:43.000 I like it.

01:34:44.000 I did six months sober when I first started dating Leanne.

01:34:49.000 Yeah, you told me that.

01:34:50.000 You just wanted to be sober?

01:34:52.000 Wanted to be sober, and the first night I drank was in Venice.

01:34:55.000 Venice, Italy?

01:34:56.000 Venice, Italy.

01:34:58.000 We're there.

01:34:59.000 Tiny restaurant?

01:35:00.000 Tiny restaurant.

01:35:01.000 We're walking to the restaurant, and it starts snowing.

01:35:04.000 In Venice, it snows?

01:35:05.000 Two days after New Year's Eve, it starts snowing. 0.97

01:35:09.000 And I'm like, oh, this is fucking great. 0.82

01:35:11.000 So we go to dinner, and now it's dumping. 0.98

01:35:13.000 You see it out the window, it's dumping.

01:35:15.000 And Leanne's like, let's just get lost tonight.

01:35:17.000 And I'm like, oh, yeah.

01:35:19.000 And I go, I want a drink.

01:35:20.000 I want a cocktail.

01:35:21.000 I want a glass of wine.

01:35:22.000 I want to enjoy this.

01:35:23.000 And I said to her, I go, I really want a glass of wine.

01:35:26.000 She goes, have one. 1.00

01:35:26.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:35:27.000 Have one. 1.00

01:35:28.000 So I have a glass of wine, have a cup of glass of wine.

01:35:30.000 We go out and we get lost in the streets of Venice and we're just hopping in bar to bar having a glass of wine and then walking around. 0.98

01:35:35.000 One of the best nights of my fucking life. 0.99

01:35:38.000 And I was like, thank you, alcohol. 0.99

01:35:42.000 Well, isn't it different, though, in Italy?

01:35:44.000 Italy is really nice in that regard.

01:35:46.000 There's just a more relaxed atmosphere at restaurants, places that you go.

01:35:52.000 It's like a different feel.

01:35:55.000 We are making a mistake with the way we live our lives.

01:35:59.000 I think that the pressure to succeed, the hustle and bustle that people have is not counterbalanced in this country by relaxation and enjoyment and family time and a nice long meal and appreciating the rest.

01:36:15.000 We don't appreciate the rest. 0.98

01:36:16.000 We appreciate a person who sleeps three hours a night and fucking is just hustling all day long, constantly hustling, hustling. 0.99

01:36:23.000 There's something to hard work and hustle. 0.99

01:36:26.000 But man, I think it should be counterbalanced and I always feel that when I go to Italy I mean we've gone to Italy my family two summers in a row and every time we go there it's just delicious food and relaxation and you're at the beach and sitting at the water and just having a couple of drinks and kicking back and it's like my whole being just It feels like all the bullshit just goes away. 0.99

01:36:51.000 I don't pay attention to the fucking news. 0.99

01:36:53.000 I don't pay attention to shit. 1.00

01:36:55.000 I tell my manager, my agent, you can't get a hold of me. 0.99

01:36:58.000 I'm gone.

01:36:58.000 I'm gone for seven, eight days, whatever it is, just leave me alone, whatever it is, put the fire out, and I'm just going to be eating pasta.

01:37:06.000 And just go to these churches, check out these beautiful places.

01:37:10.000 You know, we went to the Colosseum one year.

01:37:13.000 The next year we went to some beautiful church in Ravello.

01:37:16.000 And you just see all these amazing places where you're just seeing places that are a thousand plus years old and food that's just fucking incredible.

01:37:25.000 You're eating sardines that are fresh right out of the water and potpies.

01:37:28.000 Pasta with squid and the wine.

01:37:32.000 And you're just not thinking about anything but just laughing and relaxing.

01:37:37.000 I think that's...

01:37:38.000 Look, I'm as go, go, go as anybody.

01:37:40.000 But I'm learning as I get older that you've got to also have...

01:37:45.000 You've got to balance that out.

01:37:46.000 And you can't... 0.99

01:37:48.000 You can't, like, have that other shit on reserve while you're relaxing. 0.99

01:37:53.000 You can't, like, be checking your phone and checking your Twitter and checking your email constantly. 1.00

01:37:57.000 You gotta slide that bitch aside. 1.00

01:37:59.000 You gotta leave it in the room in the safe. 0.99

01:38:01.000 You gotta do something.

01:38:02.000 You gotta just not pay attention.

01:38:04.000 You gotta just somehow or another figure out a way to let go.

01:38:07.000 And it's taken me a while to learn how to do that, man.

01:38:10.000 I was always like, if you're not moving forward, you're falling behind.

01:38:14.000 That's always been my thought process. 0.99

01:38:16.000 I have this fucked up, aggressive, competitive thought process. 0.99

01:38:21.000 Do more than the next guy. 0.99

01:38:22.000 That's how you get ahead.

01:38:23.000 That's not always the case, especially in our business, which is so dependent upon creativity and the mind.

01:38:29.000 And I think your mind, you want your mind to be in a good place.

01:38:35.000 My mind is always in the best place when I have good relationships with my friends and my family.

01:38:41.000 That's when my mind's in the best place. 0.99

01:38:43.000 That's the most important shit. 0.99

01:38:44.000 To cultivate that is the most important thing. 0.99

01:38:46.000 But a lot of times we think the most important thing is like financial success.

01:38:49.000 The most important thing is this or that.

01:38:51.000 These things, get that in order.

01:38:53.000 You know, oh, we're going to get a new house or we're going to get a new thing or this and that. 0.99

01:38:58.000 That's all bullshit. 0.98

01:38:59.000 Like those things aren't bad to have or as a goal, but clearly your base has got to be I hate to sound corny, but it's got to be things, matters of the heart. 0.99

01:39:11.000 It's got to be friends and loved ones and family.

01:39:14.000 It's got to be your children and your wife and your mom and the people that you care about, like those people, like have good times with those people, like happiness.

01:39:25.000 You have to have that. 0.99

01:39:27.000 If you do not have that, all that other stuff is bullshit.

01:39:30.000 If you don't have friends that love you and you love them and you're legitimately happy to see them and you have laughs together and fun together, then all the money in the world won't mean anything.

01:39:40.000 You will have a zero happiness register.

01:39:46.000 You will register zero pleasure from any financial success if you and your best friends hate each other.

01:39:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:39:55.000 It's just you can't have that.

01:39:57.000 And a lot of selfish people lose track of that.

01:40:02.000 They don't understand how important the tribe is, how important community is.

01:40:07.000 I didn't.

01:40:08.000 I didn't at all.

01:40:09.000 I didn't understand that at all.

01:40:10.000 Up until this month.

01:40:12.000 This month?

01:40:12.000 Yeah.

01:40:13.000 Man, I have been at a full fucking pace, at a full clip this entire year. 0.97

01:40:20.000 Starting from when we did that weight loss challenge to when you guys, that Australian tour... 0.98

01:40:26.000 I've been at a full fucking pace, and I had a couple realizations.

01:40:30.000 One of them was, if I don't talk to Joey Diaz in like a month, then I'm working too hard. 0.99

01:40:37.000 Dog.

01:40:38.000 Yeah.

01:40:39.000 And I think Christina said the same thing to me when I did their podcast.

01:40:45.000 She's like, you're working too much. 0.99

01:40:46.000 I'm working every fucking week. 1.00

01:40:48.000 I feel like I'm very blessed to be in this situation that people want to see me do comedy, so I'm like, fuck, I'm in there every fucking week. 0.99

01:40:54.000 And Joey was like, dog, I do two weeks a month, that's it. 0.99

01:40:57.000 If I can't spend time with my family and do my fucking podcast, who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:41:00.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:41:01.000 You know, and he just fucking lights up. 1.00

01:41:03.000 And I was like, yeah, I'm working too hard. 0.97

01:41:05.000 I'm working way too hard.

01:41:06.000 Yeah, that's my schedule.

01:41:07.000 My schedule's two weeks a month.

01:41:09.000 I've been saying that forever.

01:41:11.000 That's all I want to do.

01:41:12.000 Two weekends a month.

01:41:14.000 People say, oh, you're going on tour.

01:41:15.000 When do you leave?

01:41:16.000 I'm like, when do I leave?

01:41:17.000 I leave Thursday?

01:41:18.000 I'm back on Monday.

01:41:19.000 What are you talking about?

01:41:20.000 I don't go for very long.

01:41:21.000 I usually leave Friday morning, and I'm back on Sunday.

01:41:24.000 I'm not touring.

01:41:27.000 I'm not going to go somewhere for 30 days. 1.00

01:41:29.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:41:30.000 I can't do that. 1.00

01:41:31.000 I am doing that coming up.

01:41:34.000 Are you?

01:41:35.000 I'm doing two tours this year.

01:41:37.000 One's like a legit...

01:41:39.000 The first one's, I think, starting in June.

01:41:41.000 It's the Callin' Sick to Work Tour.

01:41:43.000 And I think I'm going to do it with two other comics.

01:41:44.000 We've got a tour bus, and we're going to do some venues.

01:41:47.000 Did you organize it already?

01:41:49.000 We're in the process.

01:41:51.000 Why, if you've already decided that two weeks a month is better?

01:41:57.000 Because I don't do what you guys do.

01:41:59.000 So you and Tom tour very differently than I do, because you guys are doing theaters, so you can add shows, and it's a big deal.

01:42:06.000 And you're getting a lot more bang for your buck, I think, when you do a theater.

01:42:10.000 I'm still doing clubs.

01:42:11.000 I think the money's probably...

01:42:13.000 The money's different. 0.87

01:42:15.000 You're getting a higher percentage, but you've got to be there fucking Wednesday night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, fly home Monday. 0.99

01:42:21.000 And those just add up into like fucking... 0.98

01:42:25.000 You don't have to do that. 0.99

01:42:26.000 You don't have to do that.

01:42:28.000 I never did that.

01:42:29.000 I stopped doing Wednesdays in like the 90s.

01:42:32.000 No, Wednesday.

01:42:32.000 I fly on Wednesday to do press on Thursday.

01:42:34.000 Yeah, stop doing that, too.

01:42:35.000 But I feel grateful for those places that had me in when I wasn't selling tickets.

01:42:39.000 I know what you're saying. 0.95

01:42:40.000 DC, I sold out a month ahead of time, but I go, fucking Elliot's my buddy. 0.96

01:42:44.000 He's been supporting me my whole career. 0.85

01:42:46.000 I will be there for Thursday morning press with him.

01:42:48.000 That's very nice of you.

01:42:49.000 That's very nice of you, but it's bad for your health.

01:42:52.000 Very bad for your health.

01:42:53.000 Why don't you call in?

01:42:54.000 Call in when you're on the road.

01:42:55.000 But what I'd like to do is like I would like to do go ahead and get with some of my friends get on a tour bus and not kill myself with the travel and do you know like straight out 14 dates, 10 dates, do the tour, make some money, and then go and be at the store and write.

01:43:10.000 Because that's what you guys do, and I never do the straight tours.

01:43:15.000 Yeah, but the straight tours, I just don't think they're healthy.

01:43:17.000 I don't like them.

01:43:18.000 They wear you out.

01:43:19.000 You're always tired. 0.99

01:43:20.000 You wake up in the morning like, fuck, you've got to get to the gym, get to the gym, get something to eat. 0.99

01:43:23.000 How many more hours before the show? 1.00

01:43:25.000 Two hours, I'm going to try to take a nap.

01:43:27.000 And then you always wind up being worn out.

01:43:29.000 And that's the thing.

01:43:31.000 I don't feel happy.

01:43:33.000 I feel happy when I'm home more.

01:43:36.000 I can't go 30 days.

01:43:41.000 I can't do 30 days.

01:43:42.000 The most I can do is, only this is because of a travel channel, but I can do two weeks. 0.96

01:43:46.000 And at the end of two weeks, I'm like, get me the fuck home.

01:43:48.000 A few years ago, I switched to just Fridays and Saturdays.

01:43:52.000 It was actually quite a while ago.

01:43:55.000 Maybe going on eight or nine years ago, but it was one of the best things I ever did.

01:43:59.000 I would think about doing Thursday and Sunday, and then you just feel like it's just taking up too much time.

01:44:09.000 I would rather do Friday and Saturday on the road and then come back home, and if I want to do a set Sunday, I'll do a fucking set at the store or the improv or something like that.

01:44:16.000 Just driving to town, have a good time, get home.

01:44:19.000 I just think there's a balance that you have to have.

01:44:23.000 We've all seen those guys that are older and really burnt out, and they just don't have any energy left for it anymore, and they feel like it's a burden instead of a pleasure.

01:44:34.000 When I go on the road now, it's a pleasure.

01:44:37.000 I'm taking most of this month off.

01:44:40.000 I did the 6th at the Mirage in Vegas.

01:44:44.000 I'm doing all the rest of the shows.

01:44:47.000 In Hollywood, I'm doing a shitload of shows.

01:44:49.000 I did two last night.

01:44:50.000 I did Largo, and then I did the store.

01:44:52.000 The night before, I did the improv.

01:44:54.000 Then I did two sets at the store.

01:44:55.000 So I'm doing a lot of comedy.

01:44:57.000 But I'm home.

01:44:58.000 You know, and I'm doing this.

01:44:59.000 Being home has been really enjoyable.

01:45:01.000 I go to Chicago in a week, and I'm excited because I'm going to be flying sober.

01:45:06.000 I'm excited for that.

01:45:07.000 I'm excited to do a week sober and do some hot yoga in Chicago.

01:45:12.000 Oh, nice.

01:45:12.000 I'm excited for Chicago, but then...

01:45:15.000 But then I go, like, in November, it starts up hard again, and I'm like, I can't cancel, because I've already committed to these days. 0.99

01:45:22.000 I canceled Austin, and everyone lost their shit. 0.95

01:45:25.000 How'd you cancel it? 1.00

01:45:26.000 Why'd you cancel it?

01:45:26.000 Because we were doing this month, and it didn't show up in my calendar, and then it did one day.

01:45:29.000 I was like, uh-uh.

01:45:30.000 No, I can't.

01:45:31.000 You canceled it because of the sober mic?

01:45:34.000 I canceled it because I was coming off of Australia, D.C. And then I would have gotten six days off and then gone right back on the road.

01:45:39.000 And I'm like, no, man, this is about getting healthy and getting my mind back about me.

01:45:44.000 And so, by the way, if you need to refund your money, just call the box office at Austin.

01:45:49.000 They'll refund your money. 0.99

01:45:50.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:45:50.000 That's serious. 1.00

01:45:51.000 That's a serious choice, right?

01:45:54.000 I mean, I talk to Tom almost every day, and I talk to him a lot about this business.

01:46:01.000 I'm at the place where they're adding two Sunday shows, an extra Friday show, an extra Saturday show, another Thursday show.

01:46:09.000 Why don't you do theaters?

01:46:11.000 If you're doing all that, if you have all those shows.

01:46:14.000 I'm doing two theater tours next year.

01:46:17.000 Next year?

01:46:17.000 Yeah.

01:46:18.000 I didn't like the money offer.

01:46:19.000 Oh, I see.

01:46:20.000 The money offer for me...

01:46:21.000 Do you have a good manager?

01:46:22.000 Yeah.

01:46:23.000 We'll talk later.

01:46:25.000 I just left a meeting with her.

01:46:27.000 Yeah, she's great.

01:46:29.000 Allegedly.

01:46:30.000 The problem...

01:46:32.000 I didn't like the theater tour offers this year.

01:46:35.000 I mean, I'll be very candid. 1.00

01:46:37.000 The money was just shit. 0.99

01:46:39.000 And I was like, well, this is the one year I can make money. 1.00

01:46:41.000 I can make X amount of dollars at a club by getting 90% of the door and sell $30.

01:46:51.000 You can get some real money.

01:46:53.000 Or I can do theaters and it's about prestige for me.

01:46:56.000 It would be about, oh, I do theaters as opposed to... 0.98

01:46:58.000 That never meant jack shit to me. 0.94

01:47:00.000 But it does for some comics. 1.00

01:47:01.000 I think it's stupid. 1.00

01:47:02.000 I think it's ridiculous. 1.00

01:47:04.000 I literally had an agent tell me, now that you're doing theater, it's like you can't go back to clubs.

01:47:08.000 This was like years ago when I first started doing theaters. 0.99

01:47:10.000 It's fucking ridiculous. 1.00

01:47:10.000 I'm like, what are you talking about, stupid? 1.00

01:47:11.000 I have to do clubs. 1.00

01:47:13.000 Yeah.

01:47:13.000 I'm like, I do the Laughing Skull in Atlanta.

01:47:15.000 By the way, Ian Edwards is there this weekend.

01:47:16.000 Go see Ian Edwards, one of the best comics alive. 0.99

01:47:18.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

01:47:19.000 Laughing Skull. 1.00

01:47:19.000 It's only like 90 seats. 1.00

01:47:21.000 Less than that.

01:47:21.000 I think it's 88. Is it?

01:47:23.000 Yeah.

01:47:23.000 I know that because I stopped doing it because I couldn't make my money.

01:47:25.000 I did that two years ago.

01:47:27.000 Or maybe a year and a half ago.

01:47:28.000 I do everything.

01:47:30.000 I do little places.

01:47:31.000 I do the comedy works in Denver still.

01:47:34.000 Yeah, I do those.

01:47:35.000 I think you got to do those.

01:47:36.000 I think you got to do the little spots, man.

01:47:39.000 Utah.

01:47:39.000 I still do the Ice House constantly.

01:47:40.000 I did Wise Guys in Utah.

01:47:41.000 Yeah, I know you did that.

01:47:42.000 I remember that.

01:47:43.000 I do it all the time.

01:47:44.000 I was there when they put those tickets on sale, and I think Keith came in.

01:47:46.000 He's like, uh, Sold out already?

01:47:48.000 I was like, what?

01:47:49.000 He's like, your buddy Joe Rogan just sold out already?

01:47:51.000 Already?

01:47:52.000 Already?

01:47:52.000 And just walked away.

01:47:53.000 I was like, wow.

01:47:55.000 I think it's like working out.

01:47:56.000 I think you have to have weightlifting, but you also have to have yoga.

01:48:00.000 You have to have running, but you also should do something else.

01:48:02.000 I think you've got to have a balanced approach to stand-up.

01:48:06.000 And one of the things is intimate rooms.

01:48:09.000 Being right in front of people, you know, and then also not.

01:48:12.000 Sometimes being in a big-ass place, like I'm doing the Belco Theater in Denver, that's like 6,000 people.

01:48:17.000 That's the kind of place that, you know, you have the big show. 0.99

01:48:21.000 It's like, it's not intimate, but your act gets honed in all these other places to this razor-sharp edge, and then you go to that place, you just fucking send it home. 0.98

01:48:32.000 Boom! 0.99

01:48:33.000 And the roars of like 6,000 people, it's crazy.

01:48:37.000 It's nice to go into a big theater and go, like, I'm doing the Wilbur, I think, in January or something.

01:48:44.000 I think I'm doing two shows.

01:48:45.000 And I think, like, what I love about that is you go in, and for me, I can do the hour I'm working on, the hour I have, the hour that's new, and then when they yell the machine, I go, it's a theater.

01:48:55.000 It's called an encore.

01:48:56.000 Of course I'll do it.

01:48:57.000 Thank you for coming to my show.

01:48:59.000 Oh, what about flying dildos?

01:49:00.000 Alright, guys, there's nothing after me.

01:49:02.000 You want flying dildos?

01:49:03.000 Here we go.

01:49:04.000 I always say, hey, listen, if you have babysitters and you need to go home, please leave.

01:49:08.000 You're not going to offend me.

01:49:09.000 I did my show, but these are for people, the hardcore fans.

01:49:12.000 Right.

01:49:12.000 You've got to have a point in time where you've got to stop doing that story, though.

01:49:16.000 Why?

01:49:17.000 Because they can see it online.

01:49:19.000 Because, like, do you think that at a certain point in time, Bill Cosby should have stopped doing that Noah's Ark joke?

01:49:25.000 I never saw it, really.

01:49:26.000 Okay.

01:49:26.000 I'll put it backwards.

01:49:27.000 How about Ron White?

01:49:29.000 Okay.

01:49:29.000 Ron White never did.

01:49:31.000 Tater salad.

01:49:31.000 Yeah, he doesn't do it.

01:49:32.000 Yeah.

01:49:33.000 Can I tell you something?

01:49:33.000 What?

01:49:34.000 I really want to see him do it.

01:49:35.000 Go watch it online!

01:49:37.000 No, but I want to see Ron White tell it. 1.00

01:49:39.000 I want to see Ron White's new shit. 1.00

01:49:40.000 I do, too. 0.99

01:49:41.000 But if you said Ron White's going to do an hour of new material, and by the way, at the end, as an encore, he does tater salad, I'd be like, oh, sweet.

01:49:48.000 Somebody yelled out one of my shows recently, brrrr!

01:49:52.000 And I'm like, I can't do it anymore, man.

01:49:54.000 I don't even know how to do that bit.

01:49:55.000 I literally don't know how to do that bit.

01:49:57.000 I'd have to think about it.

01:49:58.000 I have to go over it.

01:49:59.000 When I'm done, I'm done. 1.00

01:50:01.000 I have to put that shit aside and move on. 0.98

01:50:03.000 But I think that story, that story for me, and by the way, I would love to not do the story. 0.98

01:50:09.000 I would love, like...

01:50:09.000 Then not stop doing it.

01:50:11.000 No, hold on, though.

01:50:12.000 That story, for me, is such a defining...

01:50:16.000 Like, it's the way a lot of people found me.

01:50:19.000 And for a lot of people, it's my nickname, it's everything about me.

01:50:23.000 It's when I go on stage, it's the first thing they're all yelling, is they're all yelling the machine.

01:50:27.000 Yeah, but they just love you, dude.

01:50:28.000 That's a great story.

01:50:29.000 But if you have other great stories, they'll love those, too.

01:50:32.000 I do an hour-plus of new material every show.

01:50:37.000 But, man...

01:50:39.000 You just love doing that.

01:50:40.000 I do not.

01:50:41.000 Okay, then don't do it.

01:50:42.000 I don't know.

01:50:44.000 That's why I'm looking forward to this theater tour.

01:50:47.000 The Wilbur is great.

01:50:48.000 I'm doing my Netflix special there.

01:50:49.000 Are you serious?

01:50:50.000 Yeah.

01:50:50.000 I'm gonna do it there in April.

01:50:52.000 Holla.

01:50:52.000 First time I did the Wilbur.

01:50:53.000 Boston, coming in, baby! 0.84

01:50:55.000 First time I did the Wilbur was a year ago.

01:50:57.000 It was right after the weight loss challenge.

01:50:58.000 Numbers were super slow.

01:51:00.000 Did the weight loss challenge.

01:51:01.000 Sold out the next day.

01:51:02.000 Isn't that crazy? 0.98

01:51:02.000 So I go to the Wilbur and I'm like, this is fucking amazing. 0.98

01:51:06.000 This is a big fucking room. 0.99

01:51:07.000 I'd never performed in a room that big by myself. 0.99

01:51:09.000 Like, sold it myself.

01:51:10.000 Right.

01:51:10.000 So I was like, I want to see what it looks like from the top.

01:51:12.000 Like, I want to see, like, what they...

01:51:13.000 So I go up, climb up the top of the stairs.

01:51:16.000 Get up to the top, I go stick my head out, and I forget I'm the person everyone came to see. 1.00

01:51:21.000 And I cause a fucking nightmare of everyone like, holy shit, it's you! 1.00

01:51:26.000 What the fuck are you doing up here? 1.00

01:51:27.000 And then everyone leaves their seats. 0.99

01:51:28.000 You did that while you were at the show? 1.00

01:51:29.000 I was at the show, the fucking opening act on stage. 0.99

01:51:31.000 I just had never done that. 0.99

01:51:33.000 Like, I'd always been the guy that was the feature act, so I could go in the back and go, oh, this is beautiful.

01:51:39.000 I'd never been the guy. 1.00

01:51:40.000 And I fucking caused a shit show on the third floor. 0.99

01:51:44.000 Yeah, you can't do that. 1.00

01:51:45.000 Yeah, I didn't know that.

01:51:47.000 Yeah, there's 900 people there, man.

01:51:49.000 Yeah.

01:51:50.000 You can't do that.

01:51:51.000 That's a great club, too, because it's three 300-seat comedy clubs, essentially.

01:51:56.000 Yeah.

01:51:56.000 It's three levels, and it's like three 300-seat levels.

01:51:59.000 So it's like intimate comedy clubs, but there's three of them, and they're just stacked on top of each other.

01:52:03.000 So you just get roars, but they're also right there.

01:52:07.000 It's like one of the most intimate 900-seat venues you'll ever work at.

01:52:11.000 Yeah.

01:52:12.000 It was one of the best shows of my entire life.

01:52:14.000 Where I just was like, this is...

01:52:16.000 That's it right there.

01:52:16.000 Bam, son.

01:52:18.000 Fucking love that place. 0.99

01:52:19.000 The Wilba. 0.99

01:52:20.000 I walked in right to that door on the left. 1.00

01:52:22.000 I walked right in that door and walked up like a fucking idiot. 1.00

01:52:26.000 There's a bar right up in between those two doors. 1.00

01:52:28.000 Yeah.

01:52:29.000 And I just...

01:52:30.000 I was doing that place in the late 80s.

01:52:35.000 Really?

01:52:35.000 Yeah.

01:52:37.000 The Wilbur Theater has two rooms.

01:52:39.000 It has this room, and it has another room that's downstairs, and that room used to be called Duck Soup, which is named after the Marx Brothers movie.

01:52:47.000 It's a hilarious movie.

01:52:48.000 I have never seen it. 0.98

01:52:49.000 It's fucking hilarious. 0.98

01:52:52.000 I've never seen it. 0.99

01:52:54.000 It's all...

01:52:54.000 It's a type of comedy.

01:52:57.000 I don't know what it's called, but it's like...

01:52:58.000 Slapstick?

01:52:59.000 No, it's not even slapstick.

01:53:00.000 It's like, hey, how about a cigar?

01:53:02.000 And the guy's like, I don't have one.

01:53:03.000 He's like, no, go grab me one down the street, huh?

01:53:05.000 It's like that kind of... 1.00

01:53:07.000 I fucking thought the movie was funny as shit. 0.99

01:53:10.000 Like a period-style comedy. 1.00

01:53:12.000 You get a sense of the way the people thought.

01:53:15.000 Yeah, it's like...

01:53:17.000 Kitchy, almost.

01:53:18.000 Like misleading words.

01:53:21.000 Almost like airplane.

01:53:24.000 We gotta get this woman to a hospital. 1.00

01:53:25.000 Hospital?

01:53:26.000 What is it?

01:53:26.000 Oh, it's a building with a lot of windows.

01:53:28.000 But that's not important right now.

01:53:30.000 It's like that kind of comedy.

01:53:32.000 Yeah, like Gavin and Costello.

01:53:33.000 Who's on first?

01:53:34.000 What's on second?

01:53:35.000 I love Gavin and Costello.

01:53:36.000 Yeah.

01:53:37.000 Anyway, Duck Soup was an experiment that the owners of the Comedy Connection did.

01:53:42.000 This was back when they really thought that clean comedy was the future.

01:53:47.000 And so they decided to create an upscale comedy club.

01:53:50.000 A very upscale comedy club and serve really good food and have super squeaky clean acts perform there only.

01:53:58.000 It was a disaster.

01:54:00.000 It didn't last. 0.98

01:54:01.000 Because it was like everybody's like what the fuck like guys like Steve Sweeney and guys like Lenny Clark who like you know, they had a lot of dirty jokes They couldn't do the dirty jokes there like they were trying to like somehow or another like pure it It was a disaster as one of the owners of the comedy club had this fucking Wacky idea in his head that clean comedy was the future really classy clean comedy He wanted just squeaky clean comedy. 0.99

01:54:23.000 I mean squeaky clean no sex jokes. 0.99

01:54:25.000 No nothing.

01:54:26.000 It was death and So they set this place up, they spent a shitload of money on construction, they put this thing together, and it was gone within a year.

01:54:34.000 Really?

01:54:35.000 Yeah, and then it became an improv.

01:54:36.000 And then Bud Friedman took it over as an improv, and I think they were in business with him for a while.

01:54:41.000 I think Bill Blumenwright might have had something to do with it.

01:54:45.000 And then it went under.

01:54:47.000 And then the Comedy Connection opened in Faneuil Hall.

01:54:50.000 So they had a Comedy Connection down the street.

01:54:52.000 That was a great club.

01:54:53.000 At one point in time, dude, they had the Comedy Connection on Warrington Street, which was like...

01:55:00.000 150 seats.

01:55:01.000 And then they had Nick's Comedy Stop, which is down the street, which is maybe 300 seats.

01:55:05.000 And then they had...

01:55:07.000 Nick's Comedy Stop at one point had three rooms.

01:55:09.000 They had the upstairs room.

01:55:10.000 They had a downstairs smaller room.

01:55:12.000 And then they had this disco that's now a gay bar that's at the bottom.

01:55:16.000 And that was something they took over.

01:55:18.000 So they had three shows going consecutively.

01:55:21.000 So they'd have like...

01:55:22.000 Steve Sweeney would go on there and then he would go down to the small room and then he'd go over to the big room and he would do...

01:55:27.000 Three shows like that.

01:55:28.000 So he would do six sets.

01:55:30.000 Or nine sets.

01:55:32.000 Wow!

01:55:34.000 Probably six.

01:55:35.000 Probably two shows.

01:55:36.000 But six sets of two shows.

01:55:39.000 Like an eight and a ten, but an eight and a ten in all the rooms.

01:55:43.000 Yeah.

01:55:44.000 Oh, wow.

01:55:44.000 So they would do six sets a night.

01:55:46.000 And then some of the guys would go over to the Connection, do a set, go over to Nick's and do a set, and then Duck Soup opened.

01:55:52.000 And so, like, Duck Soup was the greedy.

01:55:54.000 They got greedy.

01:55:55.000 And that went under.

01:55:56.000 And when that went under, Bill Blumenwright, who was the genius behind...

01:55:59.000 He still owns the Uber, right?

01:56:00.000 Yeah, he's...

01:56:01.000 He's a financial wizard. 0.99

01:56:02.000 He was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? 1.00

01:56:04.000 He goes, listen, let me buy you out and fucking get out of here. 1.00

01:56:07.000 Get out of here. 0.99

01:56:07.000 Let me take care of this. 0.99

01:56:08.000 And so Bill took over the comedy connection of Faneuil Hall.

01:56:12.000 And that became like a big success. 0.98

01:56:14.000 And then he goes, you know, he just decided, listen, I could fill this fucking place up. 0.99

01:56:18.000 This is like 400 seats. 0.99

01:56:19.000 Why don't I just buy the Wilbur?

01:56:21.000 So he bought the Wilbur, and now that's like 900 seats.

01:56:25.000 So that's the comedy connection now.

01:56:27.000 And he just brings in big acts.

01:56:29.000 But the problem is...

01:56:31.000 That Boston lost its, like, local thing.

01:56:34.000 They lost, like, the local scene.

01:56:36.000 A lot of the older big-time headliners, they got older and older, and people sort of forgot.

01:56:41.000 And then the open mic night scene, once Patrice left and once Burr left, the guys coming up, there's not as strong...

01:56:50.000 I think there's now Laugh Boston's got a good scene.

01:56:53.000 Last time I was there, they were pretty excited about the scene.

01:56:55.000 They were saying there's a lot of up-and-coming guys coming, and gals, excuse me, and binary, non-binary people. 0.98

01:57:01.000 And they've developed, like, you know, a good group of, like, local people that are really doing the right thing, trying to really get good at comedy, but shit. 0.94

01:57:10.000 There was Stitches, there was Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge, there was Play It Against Sam's had a show. 0.99

01:57:19.000 It was fucking crazy. 0.96

01:57:20.000 Like, for a small town, I mean, Boston's not small, but it's not a huge city like Chicago or New York. 0.99

01:57:25.000 And for this relatively small city, you had a A fuckload of comedy.

01:57:32.000 And really good comedy.

01:57:33.000 That's what I love about the store is that you could hit three stages in one night.

01:57:38.000 I do it all the time.

01:57:39.000 And pull a trifecta.

01:57:40.000 Yeah, I've done that like three or four times this year.

01:57:42.000 Yeah, I do two there regularly.

01:57:45.000 I love Jeremiah's new material show.

01:57:47.000 Yeah, that's great.

01:57:48.000 That's where I wrote that joke.

01:57:50.000 The Helen Keller and Frank joke.

01:57:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:57:52.000 Remember that?

01:57:53.000 Some guy just said it on stage.

01:57:54.000 I said, I used to think they were the same person. 0.99

01:57:56.000 And I got on stage, and you're in the back, and you're like, that better be a fucking pit. 0.99

01:57:58.000 And I was like, nah. 1.00

01:57:59.000 I'm just an idiot. 0.99

01:58:01.000 And then I opened up Flying Dildos with that, and I was like, that's still, yeah. 1.00

01:58:05.000 I love that show.

01:58:06.000 Yeah, it's a fun way, an exercise.

01:58:08.000 I just did it Tuesday.

01:58:09.000 By the way, and I just started getting the vibe.

01:58:12.000 It took me a long time to understand the OR. Like, the OR for me was a little bit of an uphill battle.

01:58:19.000 The main room's always been, it's like, it's always a great, just a great performer, but like, I think I was looking at the OR as like, uh...

01:58:27.000 It's like more of like, less of a club and more of like a workshop.

01:58:31.000 And I was like, no, no, no, no.

01:58:33.000 This is where you have to be able to sling guns.

01:58:36.000 You've got to be able to change subjects, move in the jet, like to really read a crowd and take their energy and move with it.

01:58:43.000 This sounds silly that I say this, but like in a Rich Voss kind of way.

01:58:46.000 He's someone that can navigate the OR seamlessly, you know, because he can read an audience and take the energy and push it.

01:58:52.000 Well, it's a very intimate room, too.

01:58:54.000 Like, a lot of those guys from New York, they're used to being on top of people.

01:58:57.000 Because New York clubs are very small, which is really weird, right?

01:59:00.000 Because New York is so big.

01:59:01.000 But the space is small.

01:59:02.000 Like, you have a lot of small spaces.

01:59:05.000 Like, you ever do the Stand or Stand Up New York?

01:59:07.000 Stand Up New York is a perfect example.

01:59:09.000 Like, you could barely move on stage.

01:59:10.000 Or Caroline's. 1.00

01:59:11.000 Caroline's is like a fucking plank. 1.00

01:59:13.000 It's a table. 1.00

01:59:14.000 It's this table.

01:59:15.000 Yeah.

01:59:15.000 I mean, this table's bigger than the stage at Caroline's.

01:59:18.000 And when you're there, you're on top of the people, and they're sitting right in front of you.

01:59:22.000 It's odd, you know?

01:59:24.000 And you get used to, like, where are you from, sir?

01:59:26.000 Like, that's why a lot of New York comics talk to the crowd.

01:59:28.000 And they also do, like, fairly short chunks, right?

01:59:33.000 The bits are smaller.

01:59:34.000 And that's also because their sets are, like, seven minutes long.

01:59:37.000 Yeah.

01:59:38.000 I remember coming out here with Bobby Kelly.

01:59:40.000 It was with Bobby Kelly the first night I did a spot out here.

01:59:43.000 And I got on stage and I was like, I remember in my head going, where are the Puerto Ricans?

01:59:46.000 I was like, wait, what am I going to talk about?

01:59:48.000 And I remember Bobby getting up and going, both of us were sitting in the back. 1.00

01:59:51.000 He's like, I don't like this fucking clever shit. 1.00

01:59:54.000 This fucking joke clever shit. 1.00

01:59:55.000 Be fucking funny. 1.00

01:59:56.000 And both of us were like, yeah, how come they can't be funny? 0.98

01:59:59.000 Like, yeah, both of us were like used to, I used to make the analogy, working out, doing stand-up in New York was like working out in the prison yard.

02:00:05.000 Pfft. 0.78

02:00:05.000 You had a broomstick and cinder blocks, and you just wanted to get big enough so you couldn't get raped in the shower. 0.78

02:00:11.000 And then working out in L.A. was almost like being at a gold gym. 0.77

02:00:14.000 You were sculpted, you looked good, but you couldn't defend yourself in a real room.

02:00:18.000 And so I looked at it that way, and then I was like, oh, if you do the road, you can do a little bit of both, and you can really have fun.

02:00:25.000 I think the road is where I really learned how to do stand-up.

02:00:27.000 Like doing an hour, that was where I was like, oh, you need to be able to...

02:00:33.000 Well, you also have to do an hour that translates in Kansas City.

02:00:37.000 You could do it in Florida.

02:00:39.000 Make strangers laugh.

02:00:40.000 Louis C.K. said that.

02:00:41.000 He goes, someone said, why don't you do UCB? He goes, oh, because they're already going to laugh anyway.

02:00:45.000 The art form is making strangers laugh.

02:00:47.000 Yeah.

02:00:48.000 And you're like, yeah, you got to make people that...

02:00:50.000 Well, that's why a lot of people like to do drop-ins.

02:00:53.000 They don't want people coming to see them.

02:00:54.000 They like to do a set where people don't have any idea that they're going to be there.

02:01:01.000 There's a thought process to that.

02:01:02.000 I did Largo last night, which is weird.

02:01:04.000 Yeah, what was that like?

02:01:05.000 They laugh at your setups. 0.95

02:01:06.000 It's like, the setups, they're fucking dying laughing at the setups. 0.80

02:01:10.000 It's so odd. 0.96

02:01:11.000 It's so polite.

02:01:13.000 It's a beautiful space, though.

02:01:15.000 The room's amazing.

02:01:16.000 It's a great setup.

02:01:18.000 Yeah, I mean, it was weird.

02:01:19.000 I did Nerdist Meltdown one time, and I just told a story, just a story that I was working on, and it murdered so hard, and I was like, this is a really legit comedy club fan.

02:01:31.000 They love comedy.

02:01:33.000 Any little nuance to a joke, they appreciate it.

02:01:36.000 They're like, man, that was well played.

02:01:37.000 I saw that movie in high school.

02:01:39.000 The alt rooms, though, the problem with those rooms is that if you just work those rooms and then you try to do a set in the OR, you're fucksville. 0.99

02:01:48.000 Like, if you try to go on after Joey Diaz in the OR and all you do is alt rooms, and by the way, Adam, that sick fuck, he will throw you on after Joey Diaz if he thinks you do a lot of alt rooms to you. 0.99

02:01:59.000 You know? 0.98

02:02:00.000 Like, I don't want to mention any names, but I've seen people just incinerate up there, you know?

02:02:05.000 Because you're used to this, like, really polite, set-up punchline sort of crowd.

02:02:10.000 The comedy store, you get a lot of this.

02:02:12.000 You got a lot of people that are like, come on, this is the best club in the world, huh?

02:02:16.000 Come on, come on. 0.99

02:02:16.000 You know, you see people that are drunk. 0.99

02:02:19.000 You get a surprising number of hecklers. 0.99

02:02:21.000 The back hallway is always fucking talkative. 0.99

02:02:25.000 Like, you have to shut people up. 1.00

02:02:27.000 That's a terrible design.

02:02:28.000 Like, they've been trying to figure out a workaround.

02:02:30.000 Maybe you could figure it out. 0.99

02:02:31.000 I don't know what the fuck to do. 0.97

02:02:32.000 But that back hallway always has people, and they're talking. 0.99

02:02:35.000 And then, even if they're not talking, the people off to the side of the parking lot, that leaks to the back of the room.

02:02:40.000 Like, you'll see people that are in the back of the store, in the OR. You see them turning around all the time.

02:02:45.000 Like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:02:46.000 It's so loud back there. 1.00

02:02:47.000 I was on stage one time, and...

02:02:51.000 Clearly, I'm on stage and I go, clearly someone very famous just walked into the hallway.

02:02:55.000 Yeah.

02:02:56.000 Because I could hear everyone like, oh, hey, what's up?

02:02:58.000 Yeah.

02:02:59.000 You hear it loud.

02:03:00.000 And immediately I just go, whoever I'm planning on bringing up next is not going up.

02:03:04.000 Yeah.

02:03:04.000 And I get the light and I look over, I go, who's next?

02:03:06.000 I'm dying to know.

02:03:07.000 And they go, it's Louie.

02:03:08.000 I went, okay, that's what I thought.

02:03:10.000 Yeah.

02:03:11.000 Yeah, you can tell.

02:03:13.000 It's just a bad setup in that regard.

02:03:15.000 You know, the OR is a bad setup in the sense of that hallway, but it's a great setup in the sense of the size of the space and the intimacy of it.

02:03:23.000 Yeah.

02:03:24.000 The main room's perfect.

02:03:25.000 Main room's perfect.

02:03:26.000 Perfect.

02:03:27.000 I love that you got the great hangout in the back.

02:03:29.000 Oh, it's the best hangout. 1.00

02:03:30.000 You can't hear shit. 1.00

02:03:31.000 Yeah, me and Santino and Chris D'Elia last night were fucking howling. 1.00

02:03:37.000 Just making each other laugh. 0.99

02:03:38.000 Just talking shit and just having a good time. 0.99

02:03:41.000 Talking about Nick Cannon's stand-up special. 1.00

02:03:43.000 Oops.

02:03:43.000 Sorry.

02:03:45.000 You got that good dick, though. 1.00

02:03:48.000 Have you seen it? 1.00

02:03:49.000 Yes.

02:03:51.000 We're having such a good time.

02:03:52.000 Just talking. 1.00

02:03:53.000 Just shooting the shit. 1.00

02:03:55.000 Talking about, you know, clubs on the road and doing things. 1.00

02:03:58.000 It's just, it's like, you know, you get a chance to talk shop, you know?

02:04:01.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:04:01.000 Get silly. 0.98

02:04:02.000 Dude, back there, look, there's touchstones in your life where you go, these conversations were meaningful. 0.97

02:04:08.000 I remember a night, I was just started up doing Birth to Conquer again, and you and Burr were sitting, you were standing and he was sitting in that corner seat where the door opens over to hit you, and both of you, I remember, I don't know if, what have you, you go, how much money is enough money?

02:04:21.000 I went, what?

02:04:22.000 And you're like, and you guys looked at each other and you're like, I mean...

02:04:25.000 How much money do you need?

02:04:27.000 You're doing the Travel Channel again?

02:04:28.000 And Burr's like, man, nothing but nothing. 1.00

02:04:30.000 Your show sucks. 0.99

02:04:31.000 I just do stand-up if I were you. 0.99

02:04:33.000 And both of you sat there and you were like, you're a good stand-up man.

02:04:36.000 I don't know what you're doing on this TV show.

02:04:38.000 Just get back to stand-up.

02:04:39.000 And I was like, only at the Comedy Store you get that conversation.

02:04:42.000 And only with your friends. 1.00

02:04:43.000 I remember hearing that going, yeah, what the fuck? 0.99

02:04:46.000 You're like, dude, you monetize your podcast. 0.99

02:04:48.000 You do the road.

02:04:49.000 And you can hang out here.

02:04:50.000 And we all, like, I don't know what, like...

02:04:52.000 Is this your show?

02:04:53.000 Are you really happy?

02:04:54.000 It's so important to have friends that'll tell you that, too, because sometimes you don't think you can do it.

02:04:57.000 You feel like, oh, I have to stay under contract.

02:04:59.000 I have to keep working. 0.99

02:05:01.000 But I knew you were on the road for, like, fucking weeks at a time. 0.96

02:05:04.000 I'm like, Bert, you don't want to do this. 0.96

02:05:06.000 You're a funny guy.

02:05:08.000 And you're not really working on your stand-up that much.

02:05:10.000 Let's be honest.

02:05:11.000 You'd go on the road, you wouldn't do stand-up for weeks at a time.

02:05:13.000 I'd try to put in a date, like jamming a date in between touring or doing travel channel, but the truth was I'd be away from my family and then I'd be a mess.

02:05:20.000 And not only that, it's not enough. 0.97

02:05:22.000 Like, a date doesn't do shit. 0.95

02:05:24.000 It's just like you go, wow, I was rusty. 0.95

02:05:25.000 That's all you're gonna do.

02:05:27.000 You know, you need to be, you know, stand-up comedy is like running.

02:05:29.000 You know, you take a month off running, you're gonna be out of shape. 0.96

02:05:32.000 You know, you gotta be fucking constantly going at it. 0.70

02:05:35.000 It's a beautiful grind. 1.00

02:05:40.000 I'm so glad you decided to bail on that shit, too. 1.00

02:05:43.000 You have two watches on. 1.00

02:05:44.000 No, it was one of my Fitbit.

02:05:46.000 I ran four miles.

02:05:47.000 Doesn't that have the time on it?

02:05:48.000 Yeah, but I keep it.

02:05:50.000 I keep it just to track.

02:05:52.000 I try to get to 18,000 steps every day.

02:05:53.000 But you want the other watch as well.

02:05:54.000 It was a gift.

02:05:55.000 This has sentimental value.

02:05:56.000 The time isn't even right.

02:05:58.000 Oh, really?

02:05:58.000 It's like a bracelet.

02:06:00.000 It's a bracelet.

02:06:00.000 You're basically a girl.

02:06:01.000 Yeah.

02:06:02.000 You got a bracelet on.

02:06:03.000 Yeah.

02:06:04.000 Guys wearing bracelets disturbs me.

02:06:05.000 What are you doing?

02:06:07.000 There was a period where I was wearing a few bracelets.

02:06:09.000 It drives me nuts.

02:06:09.000 Guys with like three bracelets on one wrist.

02:06:12.000 Like, hey, you stop.

02:06:14.000 Especially like Italian guys. 1.00

02:06:16.000 Like three gold bracelets.

02:06:17.000 Yeah.

02:06:18.000 And a pinky ring.

02:06:19.000 But you're not a jewelry guy.

02:06:21.000 Uh, no.

02:06:23.000 No.

02:06:23.000 I've been a jewelry guy at times.

02:06:24.000 You're a jewelry guy?

02:06:25.000 I've been there!

02:06:27.000 Like, what kind of jewelry?

02:06:28.000 You ever have a pinky ring?

02:06:29.000 Uh, yeah.

02:06:30.000 You ever have a diamond ring?

02:06:32.000 Uh, no.

02:06:33.000 I haven't had a diamond ring.

02:06:34.000 I've had a plethora of bracelets before, though.

02:06:37.000 Yeah, I don't...

02:06:38.000 I barely wash my car.

02:06:40.000 Oh.

02:06:41.000 Seriously?

02:06:42.000 Yeah, I wash my Corvette.

02:06:43.000 That's the only one I wash.

02:06:45.000 In my Porsche I wash, but the Corvette is just...

02:06:48.000 It's barely a car.

02:06:49.000 The Corvette is like an art piece.

02:06:51.000 The funny thing about you is how un-extraordinary you believe you are. 0.94

02:06:57.000 Like, I'll tell you, when Tom and I did the first hot yoga, we did the hot yoga, we got done, and we were really fucking floored.

02:07:04.000 And the first thing we said was, Ari's not doing it right. 1.00

02:07:06.000 There's no way he could do these in a day.

02:07:07.000 And the second thing Tom said was, you know, at this point in Joe's day, it's only like 10 in the morning, and he hasn't done kettlebells, run, or a podcast, or sets yet.

02:07:17.000 I was like, I'm going home and eating candy bar and going to bed.

02:07:19.000 Pfft.

02:07:21.000 But that's the one thing that's been pushing me through this month is I go, alright, I'm going to go and run now.

02:07:26.000 I'm going to try to do more in a day than I normally do. 0.92

02:07:29.000 And I think that is only achievable with a real true balance of being sober and healthy and not just getting off the fucking rails all the time. 0.84

02:07:40.000 Yeah, because if you do go off the rails all the time, your body's just not capable of working hard.

02:07:46.000 There's steps, right?

02:07:47.000 It's like you can't just start running six miles a day and doing kettlebells and then taking a 90-minute yoga class.

02:07:53.000 You're not going to have the energy.

02:07:55.000 You're not conditioned to do it.

02:07:58.000 You can work out you can work up to those things like you could start off with just a light half-mile run You could start out with do your best in a 90-minute yoga class You know you could start out doing all these different things and then over time you build up Conditioning and strength and health and you know,

02:08:15.000 I'm 50 years old dude.

02:08:16.000 I've never been in better shape in my life never been more healthy I work out all the time.

02:08:20.000 I feel great I mean, I really do, and I just always want to tell people that.

02:08:26.000 Obviously, a lot of people have way more time requirements than I do in terms of your day job and stuff like that, but the more effort you put into keeping your body healthy, the better you're going to feel.

02:08:37.000 You're just going to have more energy.

02:08:39.000 I feel good all the time, and I feel better this week or this month, this 12 days in.

02:08:44.000 I really do.

02:08:45.000 I do, too.

02:08:46.000 I love it.

02:08:48.000 I don't know.

02:08:48.000 I think the first drink is going to be hard for me to take because I feel like I'll be letting myself down.

02:08:54.000 Because I get, like I said, I get teetotaler.

02:08:56.000 Right.

02:08:56.000 And I guarantee that first drink, I probably do a shot with Ari and then I'm like, I don't think I'm going to go to bed.

02:09:00.000 Does Ari do shots? 1.00

02:09:02.000 He's like a drink.

02:09:03.000 He'll have a glass of whiskey with ice or something like that.

02:09:06.000 I saw him do shots in Calgary.

02:09:08.000 Oh yeah, and then we lost him.

02:09:10.000 He didn't used to drink.

02:09:11.000 I know.

02:09:12.000 When I first met him, he didn't drink at all.

02:09:14.000 He would smoke weed, but he didn't drink.

02:09:15.000 He became a drinker when he moved to New York.

02:09:18.000 Oh, is that really?

02:09:19.000 Yeah.

02:09:20.000 I never remember seeing him drink ever.

02:09:21.000 I remember when he lived here, we'd go to the store, do like a podcast or something, and he'd get high, but he just, he didn't have, he would eat candy.

02:09:29.000 Like, that was his thing.

02:09:30.000 I was like, ah, I can't imagine candy. 0.98

02:09:32.000 Now I'm like, oh, I fucking love candy. 0.91

02:09:34.000 Yeah, well, after a workout, there's nothing wrong with it. 0.98

02:09:36.000 Some people actually like candy.

02:09:38.000 Like, a lot of lifters, a lot of people lift, they like to eat candy after they work out.

02:09:42.000 Really?

02:09:42.000 Yeah, repunish those sugar supply of the muscles.

02:09:45.000 It's controversial.

02:09:46.000 Some people don't agree with that.

02:09:47.000 Some people do.

02:09:50.000 It's dependent upon what kind of diet you have normally.

02:09:54.000 I try to stay away from bread and pasta.

02:09:56.000 That's it.

02:09:57.000 That's awesome.

02:09:58.000 That's a big one.

02:09:59.000 Do that.

02:10:00.000 You'll be healthier.

02:10:01.000 My friend Cameron Haynes is running the Moab tomorrow.

02:10:05.000 He starts the Moab 240, which is a 238-mile race.

02:10:12.000 And he's been running a marathon a day for months in preparation for this.

02:10:17.000 And tomorrow he begins a 238 mile race.

02:10:23.000 You could track it at www.moab200.com.

02:10:29.000 M-O-A-B-200.com.

02:10:31.000 And you're going to be able to track his performance and where he's at. 0.99

02:10:34.000 And it'll take shit probably. 0.99

02:10:37.000 And also UA Outdoor. 0.99

02:10:40.000 They'll be posting live video at UA Outdoor, Under Armour Outdoor.

02:10:45.000 I think that's UA Outdoor, the Instagram page, right?

02:10:48.000 Click on that real quick.

02:10:49.000 Yeah, and there it is.

02:10:50.000 It shows all his stuff. 1.00

02:10:52.000 He's out there representing Under Armour, running his fucking animal. 0.99

02:10:57.000 It's funny, it says when I first started off running, I struggled with a 5k. 0.99

02:11:00.000 Now I'm doing 200 mile races.

02:11:02.000 It's not that I was born with this amazing talent.

02:11:04.000 Your body gets used to what you ask of it.

02:11:06.000 If you don't ask much of it, it isn't going to give you much.

02:11:08.000 If you don't ask much of it, it isn't going to give you...

02:11:11.000 He said it twice for some reason.

02:11:12.000 If you ask a lot of it, it will give you a lot.

02:11:15.000 Somebody should tell them that they repeated that sentence twice.

02:11:18.000 He can edit that. 1.00

02:11:19.000 Edit that shit. 1.00

02:11:20.000 Jesus Christ, Under Armour. 1.00

02:11:22.000 Get your shit together. 0.99

02:11:23.000 He's a fascinating guy, man. 0.99

02:11:25.000 Whatever the podcast thing has done, it's introduced me to people like him and Adam Greentree, who I find fascinating.

02:11:36.000 Some fan made me a table.

02:11:38.000 I picked it up today.

02:11:38.000 I put it on my Instagram.

02:11:41.000 I guess all the stuff I dig, and one of the things he put on the side was, no one cares, work harder.

02:11:47.000 Yeah, it's Cam's t-shirt.

02:11:50.000 Yeah, it's one of his sayings, and that's real. 0.99

02:11:53.000 You know, I posted something on Instagram today that there's levels to this shit. 0.99

02:11:57.000 You know, it's what we're talking about. 0.99

02:11:58.000 Like, I'm very self-critical, like, super hyper self-critical.

02:12:02.000 But one of the reasons why I'm hyper self-critical is I know people who are just real savages, who really are doing extraordinary things. 0.94

02:12:10.000 And people who are self-congratulatory for no reason drive me fucking insane. 0.68

02:12:16.000 Why are you laughing? 0.99

02:12:17.000 I'm so self-congratulatory!

02:12:19.000 Oh! 0.60

02:12:20.000 But you're, like, half-joking.

02:12:22.000 Yeah, oh yeah, but I have a very low threshold for reward, so...

02:12:26.000 I did it!

02:12:27.000 Two sit-ups, time to drink.

02:12:29.000 But, like, and I had, I think I have, like, uh...

02:12:32.000 Like, I think that's why I'm doing that half marathon, because I was like, I need to start...

02:12:35.000 I want to start testing myself.

02:12:36.000 I want to start saying to myself, let's break two hours in a half marathon.

02:12:40.000 Let's see if we can do that.

02:12:41.000 Right.

02:12:42.000 But you're right.

02:12:42.000 There is...

02:12:43.000 I think I do that with physical stuff, because I was an athlete growing up, and I just go, ah, I can always jump back in. 0.96

02:12:49.000 But when it comes to stand-up, man, I am beyond fucking critical.

02:12:52.000 I look at some of these people that put out hours, and I go, like... 0.79

02:12:58.000 I'm not going to name names, but man, there's some people that people have said, like I saw someone who, I won't say names, but they closed their special with street jokes, and I was like, nah, you can't, hey, you don't have friends?

02:13:10.000 I know her.

02:13:11.000 Yeah.

02:13:14.000 You should have stayed my friend. 1.00

02:13:16.000 I would have told you don't do that shit. 1.00

02:13:17.000 Yeah, well she wouldn't have listened. 1.00

02:13:18.000 But here's the thing, man.

02:13:19.000 A lot of people, they get caught up in that other stuff.

02:13:21.000 It's one of the things we were talking about, like you do in the Travel Channel.

02:13:24.000 Imagine if you're doing movies all the time.

02:13:26.000 You're doing two, three movies a year.

02:13:28.000 Movies, you know how that grind is. 0.94

02:13:29.000 16 hours a day on set.

02:13:31.000 You don't have time to hit the clubs.

02:13:32.000 You don't have time to grind.

02:13:33.000 You're not going over your material.

02:13:35.000 You're going over your lines. 0.99

02:13:36.000 You're taking naps because you're fucking tired all the time. 0.98

02:13:38.000 Especially if you're not an athlete, you're not someone who's like really fit and healthy and eating really good foods. 0.99

02:13:42.000 Your body is worn the fuck out by the time those three, four months of filming are done.

02:13:48.000 And then you have to do press junkets, then you have to do that.

02:13:51.000 And then, you know, someone, Netflix, HBO comes along and offers you all this cash to do a special.

02:13:56.000 Can you do it?

02:13:57.000 Yeah.

02:13:57.000 You're not going to say no.

02:13:58.000 And by the way, your agents... 0.99

02:14:00.000 Your managers, unless they're fucking top of the food chain, they don't know shit about what it takes to do stand-up, because they don't do it. 0.97

02:14:09.000 You have to have a really good manager who goes, listen, we really need to manage the time and the energy and the focus you put on your act, because you only get one shot at doing this act. 0.99

02:14:21.000 And I've fucked that up before, and I think a lot of us have before.

02:14:24.000 We've all done sets where we weren't really prepared.

02:14:27.000 And you don't know what it takes until you do it wrong.

02:14:32.000 And then you feel the sting of mediocrity.

02:14:35.000 And then you realize, like, oh, there's no substitute for running 200 miles. 0.99

02:14:38.000 You have to fucking run every day. 0.99

02:14:40.000 There's no substitute. 1.00

02:14:41.000 There's no substitute for stand-up. 0.99

02:14:42.000 You have to fucking grind. 0.99

02:14:43.000 You have to grind. 0.99

02:14:44.000 You've got to watch your sets.

02:14:45.000 You've got to go through and say, where's the lazy writing?

02:14:47.000 You've got to punch up the good writing.

02:14:49.000 That last hour special I did, I think the one that really helped break me to sell tickets and whatnot, was me looking at it from the travel channel perspective of lazy.

02:14:59.000 Just get the work done.

02:15:01.000 Get it up.

02:15:01.000 Just get the laughs.

02:15:02.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:15:04.000 And then going and starting hanging out at clubs and going, oh, there's a lot of laziness in this act. 0.99

02:15:11.000 And going, I need to...

02:15:12.000 I need to really be honest with myself and go, this is hacky.

02:15:16.000 I'm not doing the work in the special.

02:15:19.000 I think that applies to everybody that does everything.

02:15:22.000 It's not just our creative endeavor of stand-up comedy.

02:15:25.000 But whatever you're doing, if you're a fucking engineer, if you're a chef, whatever it is, whatever you're doing where you focus on and it gets good, if you focus more on it, it'll get great.

02:15:36.000 I mean, it's just you have to figure out what's missing in it. 0.96

02:15:39.000 Where's the weak spots?

02:15:40.000 Where's the holes?

02:15:41.000 What could be done better?

02:15:42.000 Approach it from a different angle.

02:15:44.000 You know, one of the things that I'll do, and this is a thing that I've been doing a lot over the last two years, I'll take a bit that I know is killing.

02:15:50.000 It's doing well.

02:15:51.000 I'll take that bit.

02:15:52.000 I know it's done.

02:15:54.000 So now...

02:15:55.000 I look at the same subject with open eyes, like completely fresh eyes, and then I try to rewrite it.

02:16:02.000 I try to rewrite the bit.

02:16:03.000 I try to write the bit almost as if I don't even know how the other bit goes, and I write a new version of it.

02:16:08.000 And sometimes when I write a new version of it, I'll have a whole new take that I can add to the first version.

02:16:14.000 And the only way you do that is if you're not complacent. 0.97

02:16:16.000 The only way you're willing to do that is if you fucking hate yourself and you want to just grind it out all the time. 0.96

02:16:22.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:16:23.000 This hour I'm working on now, I feel like I've gotten too meticulous with it.

02:16:32.000 I've gotten to the point where I go, every joke needs to have closure.

02:16:36.000 Because I'm really doing more stories.

02:16:38.000 I'm not doing more premise jokes.

02:16:40.000 I'm doing legit story.

02:16:43.000 That's what you like to do, right?

02:16:44.000 Yeah.

02:16:45.000 Well, you know what?

02:16:46.000 And I have to credit Ari on this.

02:16:48.000 I was doing material. 0.99

02:16:52.000 Like, hey, if you ever put a vegetable in your chick's ass, make sure to use a carrot, not a cucumber. 1.00

02:16:56.000 Cucumbers, do a grass. 0.99

02:16:57.000 You know, those kind of fun boy party stuff.

02:17:00.000 Mediocre comedy at best.

02:17:02.000 And I think Ari was the first one that was like, dude, your stories are really good.

02:17:05.000 And we started talking about, when he started doing This Is Not Happening, we started talking about stories.

02:17:11.000 And I was like, yeah, I got really into it.

02:17:12.000 And I was like, yeah, I'm much better at stories than trying to do what everyone else is doing. 0.99

02:17:16.000 If I can do my shit and just be me. 0.98

02:17:18.000 I felt like people were stealing material from me. 0.98

02:17:21.000 So I do a premise and I was like, it's common ground.

02:17:25.000 Like, I get pulled over by a cop.

02:17:27.000 Who's stealing material from you?

02:17:29.000 You know I'm not getting into this.

02:17:32.000 But you get into stuff and you're like, and then I was like, oh, these stories about me, like the machine story taught me so fucking much.

02:17:42.000 Like I remember, I've said this a million times too, I'll say it a million times more.

02:17:46.000 I did this podcast, and you were like, that's your story.

02:17:49.000 That's your closer. 0.99

02:17:49.000 You need to fucking figure that out. 0.99

02:17:51.000 And I went to Columbus, Ohio that first time. 0.99

02:17:54.000 I was there that next weekend.

02:17:56.000 There was a kid in the front row.

02:17:57.000 He was like, you're telling the machine, right?

02:17:58.000 And I was like, no, it's not.

02:17:59.000 And he's like, Rogan said you should tell it.

02:18:01.000 Bert, Bert, we understand.

02:18:02.000 It won't be good.

02:18:03.000 That's okay.

02:18:04.000 I remember being like, oh, these are the fans I get?

02:18:06.000 Like, okay.

02:18:07.000 But I learned so much out of telling that story about how to write stories and how to do stories.

02:18:12.000 And I think...

02:18:13.000 You know, when people come see my show, they want to have a good time. 0.99

02:18:15.000 They don't want to hear my view on fucking feminism. 1.00

02:18:18.000 Unless your view on feminism is really funny. 1.00

02:18:20.000 Yeah, unless it's funny.

02:18:21.000 But it's whatever you feel.

02:18:23.000 Yeah.

02:18:24.000 Whatever you feel like saying.

02:18:25.000 So many comics right now are so like, a lot of liberal comics are like, agenda first, comedy second.

02:18:31.000 And I'm like, no, I'm not that guy.

02:18:33.000 That's crazy.

02:18:33.000 I'm not going to push that agenda on you.

02:18:35.000 I'm just going to make sure you have a good time. 0.99

02:18:36.000 Tell you by the time I got fucked up, I pissed on a table, I fucking robbed a train. 0.99

02:18:40.000 Unless whatever your agenda is, it happens to be hilarious. 0.99

02:18:43.000 Like, it's got to be organic, right?

02:18:45.000 And that's...

02:18:45.000 You know, I mean, I don't think you should put yourself in any sort of a box.

02:18:49.000 Yeah.

02:18:49.000 I feel like if I like it, I'll do it.

02:18:54.000 Yeah. 0.91

02:18:55.000 But then I had this bit about catcalling that I thought was so fucking good. 0.70

02:18:59.000 But I was like... 0.83

02:19:00.000 I was like, what are you doing?

02:19:01.000 Do it.

02:19:02.000 If you like it.

02:19:03.000 Don't worry about it, man.

02:19:04.000 You can't box yourself in.

02:19:05.000 Like, I remember one of Tony Hinchcliffe's ex-girlfriends was like, I think Tony should be all dark.

02:19:10.000 I go, what?

02:19:11.000 I don't like that already.

02:19:12.000 And she goes, I think you should just stick to all dark. 1.00

02:19:14.000 And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

02:19:16.000 Why would he do that? 0.99

02:19:17.000 How about just be funny all the time?

02:19:19.000 And then I had to talk to him about it.

02:19:20.000 He's like, oh, she hates my bit about squirting.

02:19:25.000 Like, she didn't like the fact that he was doing sexual jokes. 1.00

02:19:30.000 So she was trying to give him some really shit advice. 0.99

02:19:34.000 Like, he should be all dark. 1.00

02:19:35.000 Just be moody and dark. 1.00

02:19:38.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:19:39.000 That's like when you say something in a green room, and you don't know one of the comics, and then he gets up and leaves, and the other comic goes, Ah, just so you know, his dad's gay. 1.00

02:19:47.000 And you're like, Ah, fuck! 1.00

02:19:50.000 That was the worst. 1.00

02:19:51.000 And you're like, why wouldn't you tell me that in the middle of it?

02:19:53.000 And he was like, I wanted to see where you took it.

02:19:55.000 When you go places, do you get like a crowd in the green room, like weird guys show up?

02:19:59.000 Yeah.

02:19:59.000 That's not good.

02:20:01.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:20:01.000 And they always want to like reach into the fucking cooler and grab beers and talk too much. 0.98

02:20:06.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:20:07.000 Oh.

02:20:08.000 Dude, I don't have, I have confrontation problems, so I just would, I just leave myself.

02:20:12.000 Oh, no.

02:20:13.000 Leave your own green room.

02:20:14.000 I've had that a number of times.

02:20:15.000 Oh.

02:20:16.000 That's the worst, man.

02:20:18.000 When you show up on the road, and the green room becomes like a hangout.

02:20:21.000 Hey, this is my buddy.

02:20:22.000 He's a big fan, and this is his girlfriend.

02:20:25.000 Hey, let me ask you a question.

02:20:26.000 How do you write your jokes?

02:20:29.000 This happens so much to me.

02:20:30.000 How do you come up with material?

02:20:32.000 You know, it's funny.

02:20:33.000 I've been thinking about doing stand-up for a while, because a lot of people at work tell me I'm really funny.

02:20:37.000 I watch you, and I go, hey, maybe I can do it.

02:20:41.000 The thing I get the most is people in the meet and greet line going, I've got to tell you my machine story.

02:20:47.000 There's 150 people behind you, sir!

02:20:52.000 I get these long ones. 1.00

02:20:54.000 These lesbians wouldn't stop playing with my dick. 1.00

02:20:57.000 Nice. 1.00

02:20:58.000 I didn't mind it.

02:21:00.000 We were doing the pictures. 0.67

02:21:01.000 As long as they're lesbians, it barely counts. 1.00

02:21:02.000 The girl was like, I haven't felt a dick in a while. 0.99

02:21:04.000 And we're doing pictures. 0.99

02:21:05.000 She used to be a non-lesbian. 0.97

02:21:08.000 Yeah.

02:21:08.000 She used to be a breeder.

02:21:09.000 What happened?

02:21:10.000 Why'd she go to the dark side?

02:21:12.000 Did you ask her?

02:21:12.000 Uh-uh.

02:21:13.000 No, but she got me hard. 1.00

02:21:15.000 Like, she would not stop playing with my dick. 1.00

02:21:17.000 She knew what she was doing. 1.00

02:21:17.000 She definitely did. 1.00

02:21:19.000 Dirty girl. 1.00

02:21:20.000 Terrible girl. 0.99

02:21:21.000 I love that when you find someone who's like who powers sexuality like there's a girl one time It's like hey can I like people always go hey can I girls will go can I pinch your nipple in the pictures my shirts off? 0.99

02:21:29.000 I go yeah, yeah, whatever This one girl goes hey can I play with your nipple? 1.00

02:21:32.000 And I was like yeah, and she did some sex stuff to my nipple that I literally knocked my wind out of me I went oh And then I was like hey can you tell me what you did so I can tell that to my wife like that was fucking amazing You can slam my nipple in a bank vault. 1.00

02:21:46.000 I don't feel shit These things are useless. 0.99

02:21:50.000 They don't even work. 0.98

02:21:51.000 They don't even work. 0.99

02:21:53.000 I don't feel a goddamn thing. 0.99

02:21:55.000 Stop! 1.00

02:21:55.000 They're numb. 1.00

02:21:56.000 They're like an elbow.

02:21:58.000 That's what it's like.

02:21:59.000 It's like ball sack?

02:22:00.000 Very similar to an elbow.

02:22:02.000 I don't know, man.

02:22:03.000 Ball sack, I couldn't...

02:22:04.000 Like, you could pinch my ball sack with pliers, I wouldn't feel it.

02:22:07.000 Yeah, the skin's not very sensitive, but it is when they tickle it like this, right?

02:22:10.000 When they tickle it.

02:22:11.000 Mine go right up in me. 1.00

02:22:13.000 They suck up? 1.00

02:22:13.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:22:14.000 Really?

02:22:14.000 Like a Weichiru master.

02:22:16.000 Like if someone...

02:22:17.000 That's what they would do. 1.00

02:22:18.000 They would suck their balls up into their body so you can kick them in the nuts and it doesn't even hurt. 1.00

02:22:23.000 Really? 1.00

02:22:24.000 No. 1.00

02:22:24.000 They thought they did, though, these fucking idiots. 1.00

02:22:27.000 But there are a bunch of guys that get kicked in the balls and they somehow or another can endure it. 1.00

02:22:31.000 Oh, we had a bit on a TV show where there was a strap you put. 0.97

02:22:36.000 Did you ever see this?

02:22:37.000 No.

02:22:37.000 It looks like a seat belt, but it goes around your nose for some spike show.

02:22:42.000 It goes around your feet and then it rides your inseam.

02:22:45.000 So it looks like a seat belt, but it's an inch shorter than your inseam. 0.99

02:22:50.000 So, theoretically, when you kick it, the strap stops the foot before it hits your balls. 0.99

02:22:55.000 Okay. 0.99

02:22:56.000 So does that make sense?

02:22:57.000 Yes. 0.70

02:22:57.000 So imagine if you had really, really strong inseams, and you couldn't get to the balls because the inseam didn't move because it was strapped around your feet. 0.70

02:23:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:23:04.000 So we get a punter, a professional punter, and the whole gag is, if I get it, I'll get kicked in the balls. 0.98

02:23:10.000 I don't like where this is going. 0.98

02:23:11.000 But I got this strap on, I'm fine, right?

02:23:13.000 Right. 0.99

02:23:14.000 I'm like, alright, I get kicked in the balls. 0.99

02:23:15.000 So I'm standing like this, but as he goes to kick, I squat down. 0.99

02:23:19.000 Oh, no.

02:23:19.000 And I then loosen the tension in the thing.

02:23:21.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.99

02:23:22.000 And I got kicked in the balls by a pro punter. 0.99

02:23:24.000 Oh, my God! 0.99

02:23:25.000 And I went down.

02:23:27.000 You could lose a ball from that, man.

02:23:29.000 Very easily.

02:23:30.000 I know a couple guys who've lost a ball.

02:23:32.000 A couple.

02:23:33.000 Yeah, they get kicked in the nuts in sparring, and they lose a nut.

02:23:37.000 I thought I lost a nut once in a tournament. 1.00

02:23:39.000 My ball swole up like a fucking golf ball. 0.99

02:23:42.000 It was like this, more than a golf ball, I guess. 0.99

02:23:45.000 It was big and red, and it turned purple later.

02:23:49.000 Oh, it was awful.

02:23:50.000 Yeah, I really thought, like, because I had, in the old days, the cups that you would have were like, they were cups that would sit in jockstraps.

02:23:58.000 Yeah.

02:23:59.000 And when you would throw a kick, a lot of times the ball would poke out from underneath the cup. 0.99

02:24:04.000 So when you got kicked in the nuts, that cup was slamming into your balls. 0.99

02:24:08.000 It's not good. 0.99

02:24:10.000 Now they have really good compression shorts, and the balls get...

02:24:14.000 There's a thing called diamond MMA cups. 0.94

02:24:16.000 They suck straight to your body, and the outside's soft, and they cover... 0.99

02:24:20.000 It's all your junk, and it doesn't go anywhere. 1.00

02:24:22.000 You could literally get kicked in the balls with these things on and be okay. 0.99

02:24:25.000 Then they have these steel tie cups, which are the most ideal. 1.00

02:24:28.000 Most uncomfortable, but the most ideal, because they tie up through your asshole like a G-string. 0.99

02:24:33.000 They fucking crank up back there, and they tie them on the top, but it's a steel cup. 1.00

02:24:37.000 Everything is just fucking shoved in there, man. 0.99

02:24:40.000 I remember when I was a kid and they just pulled a cup out of the bag by itself and go, throw it in your underwear. 0.98

02:24:46.000 Oh, yeah, they do that.

02:24:47.000 And you'd have to raw dog the cup in your underwear. 1.00

02:24:51.000 Just sand all over your dick. 1.00

02:24:53.000 What a stupid design balls are. 1.00

02:24:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:55.000 On the outside. 1.00

02:24:57.000 And everybody knows it.

02:24:59.000 Everybody knows how bad they hurt.

02:25:00.000 There's nothing that hurts other than your eyeballs. 0.99

02:25:02.000 Things that hurts like your balls. 0.98

02:25:04.000 Everything ball hurts. 0.99

02:25:06.000 Other than your eyeballs.

02:25:07.000 Yeah.

02:25:08.000 Has he ever been poked in the eye hard?

02:25:09.000 Yeah.

02:25:10.000 Horrible, right? 1.00

02:25:11.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:25:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:13.000 That's your balls, man. 0.99

02:25:15.000 I said to someone one time, we were about to do this snowball fight, for a professional snowball fight. 0.99

02:25:19.000 So they make them with snow, pack them, and they're basically ice rocks.

02:25:23.000 And it's called Yugi Gossin in Alaska.

02:25:26.000 And so we're about to do it. 1.00

02:25:27.000 And the night before, I said to someone, no, you can hit me in the dick. 1.00

02:25:31.000 I'd rather be hitting the dick than in the balls. 1.00

02:25:33.000 And there was this girl, Lani, and she was like, you're telling me you have no feeling in your dick? 1.00

02:25:38.000 I go, no, I feel in my dick, but if you punch me in the dick... 1.00

02:25:41.000 Like, just dick, if you held my dick in my hand and punched me, it wouldn't hurt as bad as if you held my balls in my hand and punched me. 1.00

02:25:46.000 So the next day, we're doing this yuki gossip, and someone throws a snowball right when it starts, and it hits me on the head of the dick, and I thought it exploded in my pants. 0.99

02:25:55.000 I thought, and my hands were cold so I couldn't feel. 0.99

02:25:59.000 I was like, when I touch this dick, it will be in pieces in my pants. 1.00

02:26:03.000 Like a trick cigar. 1.00

02:26:06.000 And it hurt.

02:26:06.000 I've never felt a pain.

02:26:07.000 And then she came up as I'm riding. 1.00

02:26:09.000 She goes, I thought I could punch you in the dick and it wouldn't hurt. 1.00

02:26:11.000 I was like, I was wrong! 1.00

02:26:13.000 What about animals? 0.87

02:26:14.000 Like, animals all have their balls on the outside, but they've never figured it out. 0.73

02:26:18.000 Like, I think chimps probably figured it out. 0.99

02:26:19.000 I bet when they fight other chimps, they attack the balls. 0.98

02:26:22.000 Because I know they do that with people. 1.00

02:26:23.000 When chimps attack people, they rip your dick off. 1.00

02:26:26.000 And then bite your fingers off, right? 1.00

02:26:27.000 Bite your fingers off and rip your dick off. 1.00

02:26:29.000 They pull your eyes out. 1.00

02:26:29.000 It's one of the things they do. 1.00

02:26:31.000 They know what to attack.

02:26:32.000 They're not trying to kill you. 0.75

02:26:33.000 They're trying to maim you.

02:26:34.000 They're trying to take away what you need and want. 1.00

02:26:37.000 They're so fucking ruthless little animals. 0.98

02:26:39.000 I did a podcast with Callan the other day, and I go, and I love the way his brain works, and the first thing's out of his mouth, have you ever seen a hairless chimp? 1.00

02:26:48.000 I said, no.

02:26:49.000 And he pulls it up, and I'm like, he's like, the woman was bathing with that thing! 0.74

02:26:53.000 Bathing with it!

02:26:54.000 Sleeping with it. 1.00

02:26:55.000 She was having sex with it, most likely. 0.99

02:26:56.000 Oh, had to. 1.00

02:26:57.000 Yeah, she would just give the chimp Xanax. 1.00

02:27:00.000 Yeah, she gave him Xanax and red wine.

02:27:02.000 The one that tore that lady's face off in Connecticut. 1.00

02:27:04.000 She was giving him Xanax and red wine?

02:27:06.000 Yeah.

02:27:06.000 Look at the muscles on that thing.

02:27:08.000 Fucking ridiculous. 1.00

02:27:08.000 Not only that, the problem is we look at that and go, oh yeah, it's like a bodybuilder. 1.00

02:27:13.000 No, no, no.

02:27:13.000 That's a chimpanzee.

02:27:14.000 Like, those muscles are like corded steel. 0.99

02:27:17.000 They might be the same size as a bodybuilder's muscles, but the density of those muscles is off the fucking charts. 1.00

02:27:25.000 Look at those fucking arms. 0.99

02:27:27.000 Oh, dude. 1.00

02:27:28.000 Believe me, I've spent years of my life staring at naked chimps. 1.00

02:27:32.000 But that's a chimp with mange. 0.98

02:27:34.000 That's what that is. 0.80

02:27:35.000 There's some sort of a disease where his hair falls off where you really see their anatomy.

02:27:39.000 Yeah, it's a stunning difference between them and us.

02:27:42.000 I mean, there's a lot of similarities.

02:27:44.000 But what's really, really interesting is that that is an intelligent animal.

02:27:48.000 I mean, it's an intelligent animal that now uses tools.

02:27:52.000 So much so that anthropologists are now thinking that, or biologists rather, what would it be?

02:27:59.000 What would it be that studies chimps?

02:28:03.000 Zoology? 0.55

02:28:04.000 No, definitely not. 0.99

02:28:05.000 Anyway, whoever the fuck studies chimps, I think they've universally concluded that chimpanzees have entered the Stone Age. 0.99

02:28:15.000 So they are using tools without being taught so by other chimps. 0.97

02:28:20.000 They're using tools independently, and they're using tools constantly.

02:28:24.000 And they're using all kinds of different tools.

02:28:26.000 And so they think that what's going to happen is eventually they're going to figure out a lot of other stuff, and it could take hundreds of thousands of years.

02:28:33.000 But chimpanzees, literally, chimpanzees and monkeys have entered the Stone Age.

02:28:37.000 I mean, this is from the BBC. They're using rocks and tools, and they're cutting things and breaking things open with tools.

02:28:46.000 And he would say, it's not the worksmanship that makes them special.

02:28:50.000 If anything, a casual observer might struggle to even identify them as ancient tools.

02:28:55.000 It's not their antiquity that's exceptional either.

02:28:58.000 They're only about the same age as the Egyptian periods.

02:29:01.000 What makes these tools noteworthy is that the hands that held them weren't human.

02:29:06.000 These stone tools were wielded by chimpanzees, capuchins, and macaques.

02:29:11.000 How do you say that?

02:29:12.000 Macaques?

02:29:13.000 How do you say those monkeys?

02:29:14.000 I thought it was a macaw.

02:29:15.000 I thought that's a bird.

02:29:16.000 I don't know.

02:29:18.000 Anyway, monkeys.

02:29:19.000 The sites where they have been unearthed are the basis of the brand new field of science, primate archaeology.

02:29:25.000 So what they're saying now is, if you think about human beings, right, that one point in the history of human beings, we were far more primitive than we are now, right?

02:29:37.000 If you go back and if you...

02:29:39.000 One of those people who believed in evolution...

02:29:41.000 If you go all the way back, we were some sort of Australopithecus, right?

02:29:46.000 It's like some sort of a chimpanzee-like humanoid thing, and that we got more and more intelligent for whatever reasons, and over the period of two million years, the human brain size doubled.

02:29:58.000 And they think that hunting played a part of that, cooking food might have played a part in that, a bunch of factors played a part in that. 0.96

02:30:05.000 But they think that if chimpanzees keep going the way they're going now, that who knows what the fuck a chimp looks like in a million years. 0.93

02:30:14.000 I mean, it's entirely possible that they could grow to be a new type of super-intelligent primate. 0.98

02:30:20.000 Wow.

02:30:21.000 Yeah.

02:30:21.000 I mean, look, it was us, right?

02:30:23.000 If you believe evolution...

02:30:26.000 Obviously, I do.

02:30:27.000 But if you believe scientists, the most studied in the field believe that human beings in this form, we've existed in this form for somewhere in the neighborhood of half a million years plus, right?

02:30:39.000 I don't know if that's the right number, but I think it varies back and forth. 0.99

02:30:45.000 Who knows how many hundreds of thousands of years before that we looked exactly like these motherfuckers. 0.98

02:30:51.000 I mean, we've been around relatively recently. 0.98

02:30:55.000 I mean, if you look at the history of the human race versus the history of the world, the world's like four and a half billion years old.

02:31:01.000 The humans haven't even been around a million years, I don't think.

02:31:05.000 That's crazy.

02:31:06.000 So that's four and a half thousand million years old for the earth.

02:31:12.000 Humans, less than a million. 0.95

02:31:14.000 So we're fucking, we're recent people or recent things that have figured out how to radically change our environment with tools. 0.97

02:31:22.000 So now these things have figured out how to start using tools on a regular basis. 0.91

02:31:28.000 So, this is what happened with us millions of years ago, or whatever it was, and this is what's happening with them.

02:31:35.000 And this is fairly recent.

02:31:37.000 We have now recovered buried stone tools from activity areas of the stone tool, of all the stone tool using primates.

02:31:46.000 Ooh! 0.96

02:31:47.000 It's gonna be weird, man.

02:31:48.000 I still can't understand how they can teach them sign language and talk to them.

02:31:51.000 Crazy.

02:31:52.000 Yeah.

02:31:54.000 Crazy.

02:31:55.000 Yeah.

02:31:56.000 You know, humans have a very weird relationship with primates, too.

02:32:03.000 We expect them to be pets. 0.94

02:32:06.000 That's what this crazy lady in Connecticut where a friend got her face ripped off. 1.00

02:32:09.000 That's what they thought. 1.00

02:32:11.000 And the people, the guy that got his balls ripped off and his face ripped off and the chimps tore his feet off. 1.00

02:32:16.000 You remember that guy? 0.99

02:32:17.000 Yeah.

02:32:17.000 That guy had a pet chimp and that chimp got too old and when they get old they're incredibly strong and super aggressive and they don't understand the consequences of biting someone's finger off.

02:32:28.000 They just decide, I'm going to bite your fucking finger off. 1.00

02:32:30.000 Whatever! 1.00

02:32:31.000 Give me that finger! 1.00

02:32:32.000 You know, that's what a chimpanzee is.

02:32:34.000 I mean, they're wired to survive in the jungle.

02:32:37.000 You know, it is an insanely harsh environment.

02:32:40.000 That's a little baby chimpanzee.

02:32:40.000 God, look at that hand.

02:32:41.000 It's a little baby hand.

02:32:43.000 They're wired to survive in an incredibly harsh environment.

02:32:47.000 And that includes, like, fits of violence.

02:32:51.000 And retribution violence. 1.00

02:32:53.000 They're fucking ruthless, man. 1.00

02:32:55.000 You know, they gang up on other chimps and they plot out war. 1.00

02:32:59.000 Like, they go after tribes of other chimps and kill them. 0.65

02:33:03.000 And they, like, target them.

02:33:05.000 They somehow or another figure out a way to communicate how to ambush other chimps.

02:33:09.000 There's a lot of video on it, too. 1.00

02:33:11.000 It's fucking ruthless, man. 1.00

02:33:13.000 It's really harsh shit to watch. 1.00

02:33:15.000 I made a gorilla laugh one time. 0.99

02:33:19.000 How?

02:33:20.000 I was at this, I think it's called Monkey Kingdom in Miami, and they had this depressed gorilla because this circus had him before, and they took out his canines.

02:33:31.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:33:32.000 Because they wanted to use him, so they removed his canines.

02:33:35.000 Biting people?

02:33:36.000 Yeah, so they took out his canines, but apparently canines in the gorilla kingdom are a sign of... 0.96

02:33:42.000 That's like how you can become a...

02:33:44.000 Like, if you don't have canines, then you're just shunned.

02:33:46.000 You'll never get a partner.

02:33:48.000 And so they could never get this one gorilla partner. 0.99

02:33:51.000 I forget the...

02:33:52.000 Why don't they give them dental implants? 1.00

02:33:54.000 I don't know.

02:33:55.000 They could do that to hockey players.

02:33:56.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:33:58.000 I don't know why they didn't.

02:33:59.000 Doesn't it seem like they could do that?

02:34:01.000 Get him some nice veneers? 1.00

02:34:03.000 Yeah, just give him a fucking operation. 1.00

02:34:04.000 Why not just give him human teeth? 1.00

02:34:05.000 Throw a little gas bomb in his cage. 1.00

02:34:08.000 He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. 1.00

02:34:09.000 Dope him up. 0.99

02:34:10.000 So they're like, yeah, he's really depressed.

02:34:14.000 And I think it's called Monkey Kingdom is the name of the place in Miami.

02:34:18.000 They go, he's really depressed. 0.52

02:34:19.000 He's just a depressed gorilla.

02:34:22.000 I go, I bet I can make him laugh.

02:34:23.000 And they're like, you definitely aren't going to make a primate laugh.

02:34:26.000 And I swear to you, and this did not get included on my show, I swear to God, I started doing an impression of a gorilla.

02:34:33.000 I just started going, and then slamming my chest.

02:34:36.000 And then I went number one like this, and he went, and I went shut up.

02:34:41.000 I literally lost my mind.

02:34:43.000 I was like I just and they're like I can't believe you made him laugh and I was like that and then Travel Channel's like I don't see why that's impertinent to the show. 0.97

02:34:49.000 I was like cunts. 0.99

02:34:50.000 I just made a fucking like gorilla laugh. 1.00

02:34:53.000 A depressed one. 1.00

02:34:54.000 Yeah.

02:34:54.000 How what?

02:34:57.000 Oh How frustrating was that? 0.99

02:34:58.000 Oh, you have no fucking idea. 0.98

02:35:00.000 Oh, I had a show. 0.99

02:35:01.000 I have a I have a clip This is the frustrating part.

02:35:05.000 We did the last season of Birth to Conqueror, and I did the whole thing.

02:35:10.000 Everything that we shot, it was my thumbprint.

02:35:12.000 Because we were in between presidents, and I'm very proud of that product.

02:35:18.000 And we showed it to them, and they're like, it's not all brand.

02:35:20.000 And so they buried it.

02:35:22.000 What does that mean?

02:35:23.000 It was too blue.

02:35:25.000 It was too rough.

02:35:26.000 It wasn't about like...

02:35:27.000 There was no intro reads.

02:35:28.000 I wouldn't do like...

02:35:29.000 My name's Bert Kreischer, and I'm outside Cedar Point, the home of thrill rides in the middle of Ohio.

02:35:36.000 Like, whatever it is.

02:35:36.000 So what did you do instead?

02:35:37.000 I would be like...

02:35:39.000 I would say stuff like... 1.00

02:35:41.000 New Jersey's like a fat ass. 1.00

02:35:44.000 Like, not everyone likes it, but if you're into it, you get it. 1.00

02:35:48.000 Does that make sense?

02:35:49.000 Yeah.

02:35:49.000 And they were really fun reads, and they were so irreverent that if you saw them, you're not turning off the show.

02:35:55.000 You're like, what the fuck?

02:35:58.000 So I said to them at the very beginning, I said, hey, listen, there's some clips we have in there that will definitely go viral. 0.99

02:36:05.000 Can you just air them to promote the series?

02:36:07.000 And they're like, no, we've got this.

02:36:09.000 We know what we're doing.

02:36:10.000 And so they didn't do it.

02:36:12.000 So, one of them was this thing, Pterodactyl. 0.86

02:36:15.000 It was a ride in Colorado that's fucking amazing.

02:36:17.000 If you go to Travel Channel's Facebook page and see how many views it's got, I think it'll blow you away.

02:36:23.000 By the way, they never aired it when the show was about to air.

02:36:26.000 They aired it later on accident.

02:36:27.000 And it's the most viewed thing the network's ever had, ever, in its history of being alive.

02:36:31.000 When they aired it by accident.

02:36:33.000 One girl aired it by accident, didn't know, A, we're trying to part ways with Burt, put it up, and it's got...

02:36:38.000 Swing?

02:36:39.000 Yeah, how many views?

02:36:41.000 242 million.

02:36:42.000 Yeah.

02:36:43.000 242 million views?

02:36:44.000 Yeah, it's got 1.3 million shares.

02:36:47.000 242 million views.

02:36:50.000 Yeah.

02:36:51.000 Let me see that.

02:36:52.000 Oh my god!

02:36:54.000 I told them.

02:36:54.000 That is insane.

02:36:56.000 I've never even seen something with 242 million views.

02:37:00.000 I said, hey, we got some viral videos.

02:37:02.000 And they were like, nah, we know better than you.

02:37:04.000 Dude, 834,000 likes.

02:37:10.000 They know better than you. 1.00

02:37:12.000 Fucking idiots. 1.00

02:37:13.000 And dude, look at the fucking screen picture. 1.00

02:37:15.000 It's me falling off a cliff on a chair. 0.99

02:37:18.000 Let me see this.

02:37:18.000 Play it.

02:37:20.000 Add a little thing to your thing.

02:37:22.000 Oh my god! 0.66

02:37:24.000 Holy crap! 0.99

02:37:26.000 So this is all the free fall 100 miles an hour into the canyon on the pterodactyl. 0.95

02:37:31.000 How do you free fall?

02:37:32.000 How does it work?

02:37:34.000 You're in this chair.

02:37:36.000 It's strung out to a fulcrum.

02:37:38.000 I love a lot of tips.

02:37:41.000 No!

02:37:41.000 Not a little tip like that!

02:37:42.000 I thought you meant advice!

02:37:43.000 I am leaning a lot forward.

02:37:45.000 Let's pray together.

02:37:46.000 Get it!

02:37:46.000 Ah!

02:37:48.000 What is- I don't understand what's keeping you alive.

02:37:51.000 It's a string.

02:37:52.000 A cable is strung across the canyon.

02:37:54.000 Oh my god.

02:37:55.000 And that is tied to a string in the middle. 1.00

02:38:00.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

02:38:01.000 By the way, there is one that is ten times funnier than this. 1.00

02:38:04.000 They took me into a spook house, and it is the- What's a spook house? 1.00

02:38:08.000 Please don't say it involves black people. 0.98

02:38:11.000 No, it did not involve black people.

02:38:17.000 I tried to post it online, because they used to let me post all the content, and then once they realized they were ready to part ways with me...

02:38:26.000 So was it their idea or your idea?

02:38:28.000 They asked me what I wanted to do.

02:38:30.000 The president at the time took me out to lunch.

02:38:32.000 He said, so what do you want to do?

02:38:33.000 And I said to my therapist, I was like, I think I... I don't want to ride roller coasters.

02:38:36.000 I'm done riding roller coasters.

02:38:38.000 I'll do something that is my idea.

02:38:41.000 Like, I'll do something...

02:38:41.000 If you want to do something, we can do something.

02:38:43.000 But I don't want to just be a host for hire.

02:38:45.000 I want to have...

02:38:46.000 I'm focusing on stand-up.

02:38:47.000 I'm focusing on my podcast.

02:38:48.000 I want to do stuff that means something to me.

02:38:50.000 So this is like last year.

02:38:51.000 This is last...

02:38:53.000 A full year ago.

02:38:55.000 A full year ago, roughly probably today.

02:38:58.000 Whoa.

02:38:59.000 Yeah, it was October.

02:39:00.000 It was before we had done the Weight Loss Challenge.

02:39:02.000 I was the fattest I'd ever been.

02:39:03.000 I had Rapper at the Conqueror.

02:39:05.000 It was about to start airing.

02:39:06.000 So yeah, I think it was October.

02:39:07.000 Wow.

02:39:07.000 My special was aired in November.

02:39:11.000 And she said, what do you want to do?

02:39:12.000 And I said, I don't want to ride roller coasters anymore.

02:39:14.000 And she's like, okay.

02:39:15.000 And so then...

02:39:17.000 You're fired, Burt.

02:39:17.000 Yeah, pretty much.

02:39:18.000 Wow.

02:39:19.000 But my therapist was like, don't go in and just ask for a job.

02:39:22.000 Say what you want, and don't do anything other than that.

02:39:25.000 What did you say you wanted to do?

02:39:26.000 What was the idea that you wanted to do?

02:39:29.000 A show that I think I'm doing.

02:39:31.000 I'm going to be doing.

02:39:33.000 You're gonna do another show.

02:39:34.000 I'm gonna do a show with my buddy Tony, the guy was telling you about this run in Roseanne.

02:39:39.000 But I can't tell because the premise is pretty high concept.

02:39:41.000 We'll talk afterwards.

02:39:42.000 But we're doing that and then I'm doing scripted, which is what I wanted to do.

02:39:46.000 Right.

02:39:47.000 But I had already shot this product and there was this one thing at a spook house. 1.00

02:39:50.000 What's a spook house? 1.00

02:39:52.000 It's a haunted house.

02:39:53.000 It's in Colorado.

02:39:54.000 You know the place I'm talking about?

02:39:56.000 I have one pulled up here in Ohio, but that's not from Birth to Conqueror.

02:39:59.000 That's from Birth to Conqueror?

02:40:00.000 How old do I look in it?

02:40:01.000 It's from 2016. You got a Joe Rogan shirt on?

02:40:06.000 I swear to God, if you watch the full video of this, it is the funniest thing you've ever seen.

02:40:10.000 I gave it to them, and they just clipped it up and tried to make it short.

02:40:13.000 I was like, don't! 0.94

02:40:14.000 Air the fucking whole video, because it's me going 25 minutes. 0.99

02:40:18.000 The whole video's not 25 minutes, it's like 8 minutes, but it's me doing like an hour tour through this spook house, and I am losing my shit. 0.99

02:40:25.000 Why wouldn't they air it? 0.92

02:40:26.000 Were they bummed out at you at this point?

02:40:29.000 Yeah.

02:40:29.000 You know, you were leaving?

02:40:31.000 I think they just don't like that I'm wearing it.

02:40:33.000 Look how different you look.

02:40:34.000 They don't like that you're wearing my shirt?

02:40:35.000 Yeah, they're like, why can't you just wear a black shirt? 1.00

02:40:38.000 Fuck off. 1.00

02:40:39.000 Fuck off, Travel Channel. 1.00

02:40:40.000 Thank you for wearing that, though. 1.00

02:40:42.000 That's awesome.

02:40:42.000 It's just me getting scared.

02:40:44.000 Dude, you were so much bigger.

02:40:45.000 I know.

02:40:46.000 You look like a different human.

02:40:47.000 I know.

02:40:48.000 That's so crazy.

02:40:49.000 Like, do you see yourself there and go, oh my god, I'm unhealthy?

02:40:51.000 It makes me uncomfortable.

02:40:52.000 If you go to the very end, I'm sweating profusely.

02:40:55.000 But like, this is...

02:40:56.000 I get scared and I just push my assistant on the coast.

02:41:04.000 Oh, wow.

02:41:05.000 I don't even look like myself.

02:41:07.000 Yeah, you're...

02:41:07.000 How many more pounds are you there?

02:41:09.000 50?

02:41:10.000 260, 250. So you're 40 plus pounds heavier.

02:41:13.000 Yeah.

02:41:13.000 Wow.

02:41:15.000 Just drinking like crazy.

02:41:16.000 Dude, it's amazing how you've done this.

02:41:18.000 You know, from January to today, you've essentially changed who you are.

02:41:22.000 You know?

02:41:23.000 Yeah, but I think I probably wouldn't have done it without all of us being a part.

02:41:27.000 Like, it's been fun.

02:41:28.000 Yeah.

02:41:28.000 You know?

02:41:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:41:29.000 I felt guilty that you guys went through all that shit and I didn't do anything. 0.99

02:41:32.000 That's one of the reasons why I was willing to pay for it. 0.99

02:41:35.000 Like, that's where things get fucked up. 0.93

02:41:37.000 Like, my intention to pay for your trip to the basketball game was a good intention. 0.97

02:41:42.000 But it put Ari in a weird place because I kind of stepped in for him and then went, oh, Joe had to step in for Ari because Ari's a welcher. 1.00

02:41:50.000 Maybe if I didn't do that, you guys would have sorted it out quicker.

02:41:54.000 Didn't mean to do that.

02:41:55.000 When you said that, you're like, no, don't worry.

02:41:58.000 Ari's done it. 0.76

02:41:59.000 We've been friends a long time.

02:42:01.000 I got this.

02:42:01.000 I had it on my podcast.

02:42:02.000 When you said it, it was very like, you didn't sound like you were...

02:42:06.000 I didn't feel like you were throwing Ari under the bus at all. 1.00

02:42:08.000 I didn't feel like it, but I think he felt like it a little bit.

02:42:10.000 But I also think there's blood in the water. 0.99

02:42:12.000 And when there's blood in the water, those fucking online piranhas, they just find a weakness. 0.99

02:42:16.000 I found a spot! 0.99

02:42:19.000 And if you show that weakness, oh, it's like leaving out milk for a cat.

02:42:23.000 That's why you were telling him about the comments. 0.99

02:42:26.000 Don't fucking respond to those comments, you know? 0.99

02:42:29.000 Don't do that. 0.99

02:42:30.000 He looked... 0.89

02:42:32.000 I love him to death, but he posted something shitty, real shitty one time. 0.85

02:42:35.000 He knows it, and anyone that knows it knows it, and if they don't know it, they'll never know it. 1.00

02:42:38.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:42:40.000 But I watched the comments roll in after that, and he didn't realize what he had posted, and I watched it, and I was like, he didn't realize. 0.99

02:42:47.000 It's a long story, and I'm not getting into it, because I love Ari, and I don't want him enough to deal with it.

02:42:51.000 But, like, he didn't realize what he had posted.

02:42:52.000 He thought he was posting something fun.

02:42:54.000 Uh-huh.

02:42:55.000 But it was, like, super serious.

02:42:57.000 And then, dude, I watched these people roll in with comments.

02:43:00.000 Man, Tom and I have said a number of times, dude, write down names.

02:43:03.000 Don't ever forget the guys that are really horrible human beings on here. 1.00

02:43:06.000 Like, don't ever forget, there are some fucking lunatics online. 1.00

02:43:10.000 Like, legit fucking lunatics. 1.00

02:43:13.000 Of course. 1.00

02:43:14.000 When you said you weren't going to smoke weed and we put the Pray for Joe thing out, dude, this guy wrote to me, he goes, don't ever forget, you are nothing without Joe Rogan.

02:43:23.000 That is our medicine.

02:43:24.000 We need this medicine.

02:43:26.000 And if you're going to deprive us of our medicine, I was like, our?

02:43:29.000 Our?

02:43:29.000 Jesus Christ.

02:43:30.000 Who the fuck do you think you're... 1.00

02:43:31.000 Deprive us of our medicine? 1.00

02:43:35.000 People just...

02:43:36.000 There's a lot of broken people out there, man.

02:43:39.000 A lot.

02:43:39.000 Whoever you are, if you're that guy, look, man, I didn't take my medicine for 12 days and I'm good.

02:43:43.000 Just relax.

02:43:45.000 I mean, but some people, here's the thing, right?

02:43:48.000 I used to do a joke about this, that I did have a medical marijuana card before it was legal.

02:43:54.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:43:54.000 You know, it was legal only medically, but if you didn't get a medical marijuana card, like, if you went to a doctor and they said no, like, you should go to a fucking hospital, because there's probably something really wrong with you. 0.97

02:44:04.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:44:04.000 Because they were giving them away like candy. 0.96

02:44:06.000 Like, anybody could get a goddamn medical marijuana card. 0.97

02:44:08.000 And someone was saying to me, like, well, you are throwing it in the face of the people that actually need marijuana for, like, glaucoma or PTSD or whatever. 0.99

02:44:16.000 Like, what you're doing is skirting the system.

02:44:18.000 I'm like, yeah.

02:44:20.000 Yeah.

02:44:22.000 So what?

02:44:23.000 I'm still getting weed legally. 1.00

02:44:25.000 I'm not hurting anybody by getting weed legally, stupid. 0.99

02:44:27.000 I'm just like promoting the fact that weed's awesome. 0.99

02:44:30.000 And then also there's the thing with like, it's fun for just calming you down and giving you a perspective in life.

02:44:38.000 I think weed has made me, and I think there's probably a lot of other factors as well.

02:44:42.000 I don't want to say it's all weed.

02:44:44.000 But weed's made me a nicer person because it's made me more sensitive.

02:44:47.000 And I think that if there's one thing that we could all use more in this, like everybody gets carried away and everybody's a work in progress and people all say things that they probably shouldn't have or just, you know, you're acting wrong.

02:44:59.000 You know, impulsively or you, you know, just you go with the thought that's in your head and you say what's on your mind and it doesn't come out right.

02:45:06.000 Yeah.

02:45:07.000 We've all done that, right?

02:45:08.000 But marijuana, for me, highlights all those things in an almost ruthlessly introspective way that makes me a nicer person.

02:45:15.000 Makes me think about things, especially when I'm in the tank, man.

02:45:19.000 When I get in the tank, when I smoke weed, I just think about everything.

02:45:23.000 Oh. 1.00

02:45:24.000 It's like a goddamn seminar on my life. 0.99

02:45:26.000 I should do that. 1.00

02:45:26.000 I should do that tank. 1.00

02:45:27.000 It's gotta be in the new studio.

02:45:28.000 I should do that tank.

02:45:29.000 New Studio has a tank.

02:45:31.000 I gotta do the tank before October's up.

02:45:34.000 Okay.

02:45:34.000 It'll be there before then.

02:45:35.000 I wanna try it sober.

02:45:37.000 And then in November, I wanna try it high one time.

02:45:40.000 Well, it'll be installed in the third week of October.

02:45:43.000 Really?

02:45:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:45:44.000 The tank's coming soon.

02:45:46.000 Is this the one from your house?

02:45:47.000 No, no, no.

02:45:48.000 It's a new one.

02:45:48.000 They took the one out of my house.

02:45:50.000 Crash, by the way, folks, if you're in California, the float lab is the greatest...

02:45:55.000 Float place in the world and this guy is like a lot of people credit me for making Isolation tanks more popular.

02:46:05.000 I'm very happy that that's the case, but my tank experience Increased dramatically when I hooked up with crash because I had a friend who was working on my tank and he was fixing it and I had an older tank It wasn't the best tank, but it was good and I had a lot of great experiences in it but He told me about this guy in Venice that ran this place called the Float Lab.

02:46:27.000 And I said, well, what's the difference?

02:46:29.000 He's like, well, his stuff is just, like, super engineered.

02:46:31.000 It's, like, the best stuff.

02:46:33.000 Like, you don't have any of the issues with, like, the bladders at the bottom that hold the water in breaking because he doesn't use waterbed bladders.

02:46:42.000 Instead, he uses those things they use for ponds, like koi ponds, like a very thick, thick plastic.

02:46:48.000 Yeah.

02:46:48.000 Everything, he has air pumped in it so you get fresh oxygen inside the tank.

02:46:53.000 He uses two waterbed heaters and they work together simultaneously.

02:46:59.000 He has a really excellent digital calibration system for the temperature.

02:47:04.000 He takes it to the next level with everything.

02:47:06.000 He's got an ozone filtration system that kills all the bacteria, kills everything.

02:47:10.000 He uses two gigantic jacuzzi filters that everything gets run through these tiny micron, I forget what the number is, filters, where they filter everything out of that water.

02:47:21.000 And for me, it's like it's only me in the water, but for public ones, it's critically important that you know that you're not going to catch some weird skin disease or something when you get inside these tanks.

02:47:32.000 So this guy, I got in touch with him, got a tank from him, he installed it in my basement, and then I can't shut the fuck up about things I love. 0.97

02:47:41.000 And that's part of my problem, because I'm repetitive as fuck, but that's what makes me good at things. 0.98

02:47:47.000 I get obsessive in that mindset. 0.98

02:47:49.000 I'm just constantly droning on about the same things constantly.

02:47:52.000 And sometimes that becomes a problem with podcasts. 1.00

02:47:55.000 Crash, that guy, he's the motherfucker behind tanks. 0.89

02:47:58.000 If it wasn't for him, the tanks that we have, even the non-crash tanks, non-float lab tanks, all the other tanks in the world, that is the gold standard. 0.97

02:48:08.000 His tanks are the gold standard, and all the other tanks since then have They've elevated in quality substantially because of his contribution.

02:48:17.000 When I first started using a tank, which was like early 2000s, like 2000, I think I got one in 2003. And I think the first time I got in one was like 2000, 2001. And I had one in my basement in 2003. From that time,

02:48:32.000 the fucking whole business has gone like this. 0.99

02:48:35.000 Now they're everywhere. 0.99

02:48:36.000 Giant tank centers all over the world.

02:48:37.000 There was one in Omaha.

02:48:39.000 I was in Omaha, and this guy was at my show.

02:48:40.000 He goes, man, I work at a float lab, or I work at a tank place.

02:48:43.000 He's like, we should go.

02:48:45.000 And I was like, let's go now.

02:48:46.000 He was like, let me call the owner.

02:48:47.000 And this is, I gotta say this to this owner in Omaha.

02:48:50.000 Guy got off the phone, he's like, we can't go drunk.

02:48:52.000 And I was like, why?

02:48:53.000 He's like, I think he thinks you're gonna pee in it.

02:48:57.000 But yeah, I want to do it bad.

02:48:59.000 Well, you will.

02:49:00.000 You'll do it.

02:49:01.000 I'll have you in, like, right after it's installed.

02:49:04.000 So we're getting a new one put in.

02:49:05.000 That's the thing about Crash. 0.75

02:49:06.000 He's so crazy.

02:49:07.000 He's constantly, like, innovating.

02:49:09.000 He's constantly, like, even if the tank's perfect, he's like, no, no, no, that's the old one, the old version.

02:49:15.000 We've got to get rid of that.

02:49:16.000 We've got to take it out.

02:49:17.000 We've got to upgrade, upgrade everything. 1.00

02:49:18.000 Like, he's just nuts with that shit. 1.00

02:49:21.000 Wow. 1.00

02:49:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:49:21.000 He's a mastermind. 1.00

02:49:23.000 He's like a real mad scientist genius character when it comes to tanks. 0.99

02:49:27.000 I think, yeah, I could fucking... 0.99

02:49:29.000 Yeah, I gotta get in a tank. 0.99

02:49:32.000 You love it, man.

02:49:32.000 I tried to get into TM, Transcendental Meditation.

02:49:37.000 I missed the fucking class. 0.98

02:49:38.000 Well, the thing about tanks is you could do all the meditation in tanks, but you have way more disconnection from your body, and I think that's important. 0.99

02:49:48.000 It disconnects your mind and your thoughts and your ideas from your physical frame.

02:49:54.000 Like, that's what people are trying to do when they meditate.

02:49:56.000 Like, you're trying to...

02:49:57.000 Sit down in a comfortable spot and just concentrate on your thoughts and you absolutely can achieve these amazing states of mind in that way.

02:50:04.000 But I feel like those states are elevated substantially from the tank.

02:50:08.000 And everyone I know that disagrees has never done the tank.

02:50:10.000 People that have done the tank go, oh yeah.

02:50:13.000 People that know that meditate and do the tank as well go, oh my god, this is a game changer.

02:50:17.000 It's just a completely different environment.

02:50:19.000 And the people that resist that, I've talked to a few people that meditate, and they're like, do you meditate?

02:50:23.000 I'm like, yes, I do.

02:50:24.000 I meditate in my tank.

02:50:26.000 And they're like, well, that's not the same thing. 1.00

02:50:27.000 I'm like, listen, you fucking hippie. 1.00

02:50:29.000 You don't know what you're talking about. 1.00

02:50:30.000 I've meditated regular, too.

02:50:32.000 Like, just try it.

02:50:33.000 Have you tried it?

02:50:34.000 No, I haven't. 1.00

02:50:34.000 Then shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:50:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:50:35.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:50:36.000 Because it's a complete, naturally occurring psychedelic state. 1.00

02:50:40.000 So anybody who's sober, anybody who doesn't want to fuck with drugs, I always tell them, get in that goddamn tank and you'll have a drug experience without any drugs. 0.99

02:50:48.000 Where you don't have to worry about losing your mind, you don't have to worry about addiction, you don't have to worry about overdosing or getting, you know, someone give you the wrong shit. 0.99

02:50:55.000 You can get in that tank and legitimately have a psychedelic experience. 0.97

02:51:00.000 Yeah, I gotta try it.

02:51:01.000 You do?

02:51:02.000 The big thing, this is gonna sound, once again, this is gonna sound, a lot of my realizations this month are gonna sound very childish and pedestrian.

02:51:10.000 But one of my really hard things was going to sleep.

02:51:14.000 We call them unassisted sleeps in our house, so we can go to sleep without drugs or alcohol.

02:51:18.000 And I'd had seven this year total.

02:51:20.000 Whoa. 0.99

02:51:21.000 I've pulled down fucking 13 in a row. 1.00

02:51:23.000 Wow. 0.99

02:51:24.000 And so now the idea of sleep doesn't panic me the way it used to.

02:51:28.000 Like last night I did a podcast with these young ladies, and then I just was like, I'm going to bed now.

02:51:35.000 And I got in bed, and I just closed my eyes.

02:51:38.000 That's crazy.

02:51:39.000 Dude, you're healthy.

02:51:40.000 Like I was like, I'm going to bed now.

02:51:43.000 Bert, I'm proud of you.

02:51:44.000 I really am.

02:51:45.000 I really am.

02:51:46.000 Because what you've done is, considering your lifestyle and how long you've been doing it that way, it's amazing.

02:51:52.000 And I know that you rise to the challenge of a competition that sort of motivated you to do it, but not a lot of people would have done it, man.

02:51:59.000 A lot of people would have quit by now.

02:52:00.000 A lot of people would have found some excuses or figured out some way, like, oh, it was my friend's birthday, I had to do a shot with him.

02:52:07.000 You know, like, there's all sorts of real weird tricks that your mind will play on you to get you to quit.

02:52:13.000 In a bunch of different ways, but I'm proud of you.

02:52:16.000 You've literally changed your health.

02:52:17.000 You turned your health around in a very short period of time.

02:52:20.000 I appreciate it.

02:52:21.000 Thank you, Joe.

02:52:22.000 I got a lot of those people, because a lot of people are doing it with us. 0.97

02:52:25.000 I know Will Noonan quit smoking, which is a big fucking deal. 0.96

02:52:28.000 That's a hard one, apparently. 0.99

02:52:29.000 Really big.

02:52:30.000 He quit smoking.

02:52:31.000 But it's fun to hear the guys who did fall off.

02:52:34.000 They're like, ah!

02:52:35.000 I was with you until football on Saturday.

02:52:37.000 I'm sorry, brother.

02:52:38.000 And you're like, yeah, I know.

02:52:40.000 I know the feeling.

02:52:41.000 Yeah, I know what it is, too.

02:52:42.000 But you just have to make a rule, you know, and just try again.

02:52:46.000 It doesn't have to be Sober October.

02:52:47.000 You can do it in November.

02:52:48.000 But there's a beautiful thing in having, like, a set schedule.

02:52:52.000 Tomorrow begins sobriety.

02:52:54.000 I have to do it.

02:52:55.000 I'm going to do it for 30 days.

02:52:56.000 And if you can do it, look, people prayed for me, and now I'm off of marijuana.

02:53:02.000 I'm going right back, though.

02:53:04.000 Can't wait.

02:53:05.000 I kinda wish, I think all of us kinda wish we were all together for that first night.

02:53:09.000 I know.

02:53:10.000 I'm kind of bummed out that you guys are going to be in New Orleans.

02:53:12.000 But we'll come back for another podcast.

02:53:16.000 We'll get Super Jew to get on a plane and come over here. 1.00

02:53:18.000 And we'll have some fun together.

02:53:20.000 And by then, he'll have already started smoking pot again, so he'll probably be more happy, Ari.

02:53:24.000 Oh, yeah.

02:53:25.000 We'll be at the new studio, too.

02:53:26.000 But yeah, we'll do that.

02:53:27.000 We'll all three of us get together and have...

02:53:30.000 We should do...

02:53:30.000 I don't know if Ari's willing to do yoga after this challenge.

02:53:33.000 I think this challenge might...

02:53:35.000 End it for him.

02:53:37.000 You know?

02:53:38.000 Do you think he will?

02:53:39.000 I love that he calls it a chore.

02:53:41.000 I've had to set my alarm because I had a chore today.

02:53:44.000 Did you listen to his podcast when he was talking about it?

02:53:46.000 I did. 0.99

02:53:47.000 I'm a goddamn professional comedian. 0.99

02:53:50.000 I'm a Jewish entertainer in New York City. 1.00

02:53:54.000 We like to drink and do drugs!

02:53:57.000 This mock anger is so awesome.

02:54:00.000 I was howling, laughing, driving to Segura's house.

02:54:03.000 I got there, I go, have you been listening to Nari's podcast?

02:54:05.000 He's like, well, yeah, the latest one was 35 minutes.

02:54:08.000 I go, it's 35 minutes of gold for me and you.

02:54:11.000 I go, I'm not sure if everyone's listening, but me and you should listen.

02:54:13.000 I think it's meant for us.

02:54:15.000 Well, I'm glad he decided to go with it.

02:54:17.000 It's awesome stuff.

02:54:18.000 He was the one that said no weed.

02:54:20.000 He was the one.

02:54:20.000 He texted me personally, and he goes, personally, I don't think you have a problem.

02:54:25.000 I love you.

02:54:26.000 And if you're going to do no booze, I'm going to take away the thing I care about, and that's weed.

02:54:30.000 And then he texted that to me, him, and Tom.

02:54:32.000 And then I made that video of me running the thing, and in it I was like, no weed.

02:54:37.000 And I said it to Tom, and Tom's like, I don't know if Joe knows about no weed yet.

02:54:40.000 And then you were like, hey guys, I'm not doing no weed.

02:54:42.000 And then Ari's like, oh, I'll bully him into a corner and see if I can get him to do it. 1.00

02:54:46.000 That's hilarious.

02:54:47.000 It wasn't affecting me at all, the bullying.

02:54:49.000 I thought it was hilarious.

02:54:50.000 I thought it was too.

02:54:51.000 But I was willing to do it because I was like, alright.

02:54:53.000 Well, two things I thought.

02:54:54.000 One, the optics.

02:54:56.000 It doesn't look good if I'm telling you guys to quit the booze, and then when it comes to the weed, I'm like, no, no, that wasn't a part of the deal.

02:55:02.000 But I'm like, I want people to know that it's not hard to quit weed.

02:55:05.000 It's really easy.

02:55:07.000 And yeah, I know I'm only quitting it for a month, but... 0.97

02:55:10.000 I'm telling you, it's fucking easy. 0.65

02:55:12.000 Like, it has literally changed nothing about my life. 0.98

02:55:15.000 Like, I can do all the same things.

02:55:18.000 I think marijuana, like anything, can be abused.

02:55:21.000 But I also think it's a valuable tool.

02:55:24.000 And I think as long as you use it as a tool.

02:55:26.000 And I think one of the things about this experience is I think I'm going to use it more judiciously.

02:55:32.000 I'm going to use it less, I think.

02:55:37.000 I'm going to be that way with alcohol.

02:55:38.000 I want to enjoy it.

02:55:40.000 I want it to be part of the party as opposed to it be the thing.

02:55:45.000 Yeah.

02:55:46.000 The very accurate statement is going out to the patio in the store, sometimes you do see something that I was just part of my night was like, do my set, go to the patio in the store.

02:55:58.000 Yeah.

02:55:59.000 As opposed to like Burr, I always think Burr uses booze properly.

02:56:02.000 He's like, get done a set, and he's like, you want to go have a whiskey?

02:56:05.000 And you go back to that back bar, and you have a whiskey with him, and you talk about something for 30 minutes, not overkill.

02:56:11.000 And he's like, alright, I just made the drive home interesting, I'm going.

02:56:14.000 Yeah, he's a disciplined guy.

02:56:17.000 He's an interesting guy in that regard.

02:56:19.000 He works really hard, he's very disciplined, but he's also very smart in understanding the trappings, where things can go wrong.

02:56:26.000 Yeah.

02:56:27.000 He's a wise man.

02:56:28.000 He is.

02:56:28.000 There's a lot of them out there, man.

02:56:30.000 You know, you just got to find him and cultivate him and we're very lucky. 0.94

02:56:33.000 Very fucking lucky. 0.98

02:56:35.000 I will say, me personally, I'm very lucky to have the group of friends I have because I go, I look back, I remember you telling me a long time ago over a shot of whiskey, you don't have to have shitty friends. 0.99

02:56:45.000 A lot of people like you.

02:56:46.000 Just let them be your friend. 0.93

02:56:48.000 Well, you had a few people in your life that were monsters.

02:56:51.000 I was not good at figuring that.

02:56:54.000 I remember you were like, you were a really good guy.

02:56:55.000 We were at the Ice House.

02:56:56.000 You were a really good guy, and everyone was trying to be your friend.

02:56:58.000 Just let it happen.

02:56:59.000 But I was so protected.

02:57:01.000 Well, you had that one monster in your life, and once you got rid of him, everything kind of went smoother.

02:57:06.000 And you also realized, oh, other comedians actually want you to succeed.

02:57:12.000 They're not trying to hold you down. 0.98

02:57:13.000 They're not trying to shit on you and literally remove parts of you. 0.98

02:57:19.000 They want you to be happy. 0.99

02:57:20.000 They want to enhance.

02:57:21.000 Also, you realize that there's beauty in that community of seeing people succeed and being happy for them.

02:57:29.000 And they're happy for you, and you're happy for each other, and everybody can get together and laugh.

02:57:33.000 Yeah.

02:57:34.000 I mean, Joey Diaz called me the other night and the fight's on. 1.00

02:57:37.000 And he goes, dog, fuck spots. 1.00

02:57:39.000 Let's watch a fight. 1.00

02:57:40.000 I want to see Muddy Mouse.

02:57:41.000 I saw that. 0.99

02:57:42.000 The video of you guys all together and Joey's high as fuck. 0.99

02:57:44.000 You know you got a contact high. 0.99

02:57:45.000 You probably broke the rules by hanging out with Joey.

02:57:48.000 I definitely thought about that.

02:57:50.000 He's lighting two joints at a time.

02:57:52.000 It's just him.

02:57:53.000 It's just him.

02:57:53.000 He's lighting two joints at a time.

02:57:55.000 Have you seen that video of him, Joey Diaz, talking about his State of the Union address?

02:58:01.000 Talking about making North Korea glow in the dark? 0.59

02:58:04.000 Find it.

02:58:04.000 I think it's on...

02:58:05.000 You're talking about making it?

02:58:06.000 It's on... 1.00

02:58:06.000 We're fucking Americans. 1.00

02:58:08.000 He's wearing a green shirt. 1.00

02:58:09.000 And I was crying.

02:58:11.000 Literally tears rolling down my face when I was watching.

02:58:14.000 I think it's on the Mad Flavors World Instagram account.

02:58:18.000 I know you can find it.

02:58:21.000 Show me what you got.

02:58:23.000 It says October 5th.

02:58:24.000 Let me see what it looks like.

02:58:30.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:58:31.000 He takes the glasses off.

02:58:33.000 Just play this and we'll go out with this.

02:58:34.000 Burr Kreischer, I'm proud of you, man.

02:58:36.000 I really am.

02:58:37.000 We're going to leave you guys with the great and powerful Joey Diaz. 0.99

02:58:48.000 Get up, cocksuckers. 1.00

02:58:49.000 It's all over. 0.98

02:58:50.000 Listen, we had a rough couple of months. 0.99

02:58:53.000 Fucking Katrina's cousin Maria. 1.00

02:58:55.000 The other one, Puerto Rico, Houston, fucking Florida. 1.00

02:59:01.000 Listen, it's been tough up to now. 0.99

02:59:03.000 The earthquake in Mexico. 0.99

02:59:06.000 You know, the White House, whoever the fuck is going on. 0.99

02:59:09.000 But it don't matter. 1.00

02:59:11.000 They want to shoot. 1.00

02:59:12.000 It's time for us to fucking shoot, cocksuckers. 1.00

02:59:15.000 They want to get down and dirty. 1.00

02:59:17.000 Don't forget who the fuck we are. 1.00

02:59:19.000 You understand me? 1.00

02:59:20.000 We're the baddest motherfuckers out there. 1.00

02:59:22.000 You send a message to that fucking North Korean. 1.00

02:59:25.000 He's going to be sniffing my dick and sucking my asshole. 1.00

02:59:29.000 That's the focus. 1.00

02:59:30.000 We're going to North Korea in like a year.

02:59:32.000 It's going to be an island.

02:59:33.000 It's gonna glow in the dark.

02:59:35.000 You know why? 0.99

02:59:36.000 Because we're Americans, cocksuckers. 1.00

02:59:38.000 Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? 1.00

02:59:40.000 Stop with the gun control. 1.00

02:59:42.000 They're selling more guns than ever the last three days. 1.00

02:59:45.000 Stop with the fucking whining. 1.00

02:59:47.000 Stop with the Russians on Facebook. 1.00

02:59:50.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:59:51.000 Worry about yourself. 1.00

02:59:53.000 Keep your eyes open. 1.00

02:59:54.000 And get the fuck off Snapchat and fucking Twitter, cocksucker. 1.00

02:59:58.000 Stay black. 1.00

03:00:07.000 He is so fucking funny. 1.00

03:00:09.000 He's the best ever, man. 0.96

03:00:10.000 That's the funniest guy that's ever lived.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 12, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #1024 - Bert Kreischer

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