The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1096 - Todd Glass

00:00:00.000 With insulated walls, put it in five, four, three, two, one.

00:00:04.000 Someone's got a new Netflix special.

00:00:14.000 Couldn't think of any other way to start.

00:00:16.000 The opposite of what I thought you...

00:00:17.000 Wow.

00:00:23.000 So you do have a new Netflix special.

00:00:25.000 I do.

00:00:25.000 I don't want this to be like an interview.

00:00:26.000 No, but I like it.

00:00:29.000 I'm actually proud of it.

00:00:31.000 You know, it's like, I'm still proud of it.

00:00:33.000 You know, usually a certain amount of time will go by where I'm like, oh, like by the time I'm, even now I've gotten it better on the road.

00:00:40.000 Because, you know, the day after you shoot it, you go out on the road. 0.99

00:00:43.000 And you're a murderer.

00:00:44.000 And you have a little fun with it. 0.99

00:00:45.000 And that's when you go, oh, and then you go, oh, I, but I'm still proud of it.

00:00:49.000 And it was my favorite thing.

00:00:51.000 The guy did, Jeff Rowe was the guy who, and Scott Moran, but just everything I wanted, they did it.

00:00:57.000 Perfect.

00:00:58.000 That's awesome.

00:00:59.000 The look, the lighting.

00:01:00.000 I did it at the Lyric.

00:01:02.000 And the Lyric is great, but there's no doubt.

00:01:04.000 Is the Lyric in LA? The Lyric is in LA. It's like at Melrose and La Brea.

00:01:11.000 But they sort of used it as a shell, and it's already a pretty cool club.

00:01:16.000 The biggest compliment I got, someone said, you know what's weird about your special?

00:01:20.000 I want to go there, and it doesn't exist.

00:01:23.000 What it looked like.

00:01:24.000 Like, where is that?

00:01:26.000 They had good set people.

00:01:27.000 It just looked like a cool jazz club in New York City that was maybe...

00:01:32.000 But it wasn't small because it was an after... 0.98

00:01:34.000 You know, sometimes it's small, but it's shitty. 0.83

00:01:36.000 But that's the look, and it's cool. 0.87

00:01:38.000 It's sort of a...

00:01:38.000 What's the word?

00:01:39.000 Kitschier. 0.54

00:01:40.000 Yeah, I don't know what that word is.

00:01:40.000 Yeah, it's charming, and that's the look they want.

00:01:43.000 I didn't want that.

00:01:43.000 Not that I think that's bad, because some people have done that really well, and it's a cool way to see a comedian just in a cool little raw space.

00:01:50.000 But I want it small, but like...

00:01:52.000 It's a jazz club in New York City, but it's like 150 bucks to get in, and it holds 100 people.

00:01:58.000 It's like that type of thing.

00:01:59.000 Run like a theater.

00:02:00.000 Well, you helped design one of my all-time favorite clubs, Helium in Philly.

00:02:05.000 You helped design that place, didn't you?

00:02:07.000 Well, when Mark...

00:02:11.000 Mark, he, Acme, Lewis Lee said, you know, Todd's from Philly, he'll probably love to give you advice.

00:02:17.000 Right.

00:02:17.000 So when it was just a warehouse, like cement, I met him down there.

00:02:23.000 And he's like, I'm thinking of opening up a club.

00:02:25.000 And, you know, I told him a lot of stuff.

00:02:26.000 I wrote, I made like, well, email, you know, like six pages of stuff.

00:02:32.000 You know, here's very detailed things.

00:02:34.000 And you know what?

00:02:35.000 He listened to a lot of it.

00:02:37.000 Like, I give him credit.

00:02:39.000 You know?

00:02:40.000 That's awesome. 1.00

00:02:40.000 It's a great fucking club. 1.00

00:02:42.000 Like, there's something about those intimate spaces. 0.99

00:02:45.000 Like, one of the things that I've noticed when I take people on the road with me...

00:02:49.000 Is that guys who have never worked at theater like it takes a few tries to get they go.

00:02:54.000 Oh, okay.

00:02:54.000 This is a whole different thing There's so many people here.

00:02:57.000 You've got to kind of project out to them.

00:02:59.000 It's like a different thing It's not you don't feel them the way you feel them at the in the OR right on like a Wednesday night, right or Comedy works in Denver where they're on top of you.

00:03:12.000 You know like you feel the people there more, right?

00:03:15.000 Yeah, and then you learn it pretty quick, though.

00:03:17.000 Yeah.

00:03:17.000 You know?

00:03:18.000 Do you ever do the belly room at the store?

00:03:21.000 I've done it a few times, and of course, it's...

00:03:23.000 I love little rooms.

00:03:25.000 Yeah.

00:03:25.000 Like, I love, like...

00:03:27.000 Well, when I used to do Tempe, you always did that side room on purpose.

00:03:30.000 They were trying to get you to do the big place.

00:03:33.000 Well, the side place, you know, not to get too, but you get it.

00:03:37.000 Yeah, the side place, I was jealous.

00:03:39.000 I remember I came over, I was in the other, the regular one, which is great.

00:03:43.000 I was having a good time.

00:03:44.000 It is.

00:03:45.000 But when Joey and I went next door and watched you, I was like, this room's better.

00:03:49.000 Well, even in D.C., which I think is a good example, D.C. has a 60-seat room.

00:03:55.000 And whenever I'm in there, I go...

00:03:58.000 I give it...

00:03:59.000 I had a two-piece band playing.

00:04:00.000 They put black tablecloths on all the tables.

00:04:03.000 The lights are gelled blue.

00:04:04.000 So now people are turning the corner into this thick blue room with two guys with black suits playing jazz as they're being seated and eating.

00:04:13.000 So now...

00:04:14.000 I don't feel like it's an afterthought.

00:04:15.000 What you just said, and I'll take it as a compliment, the other comedian that's in the main room there, which is an awesome room, but you look into the little room and you're like, it just looks like something's going on, and that's how I want it to look.

00:04:27.000 Does that make sense?

00:04:28.000 Yeah, no, it does make sense.

00:04:30.000 It's more of a hang, right, than a big show.

00:04:33.000 And your style's so loose on stage, like lends itself to intimacy.

00:04:38.000 You know, lends itself to those nice, compact spots.

00:04:42.000 Yeah.

00:04:43.000 Do you ever do the Ice House, the annex room?

00:04:45.000 I mean, not forever, but yeah, I know what you mean right away.

00:04:48.000 That one's the craziest.

00:04:49.000 The Ice House is about as...

00:04:50.000 It's as deep as this room.

00:04:52.000 It goes side to side a little bit.

00:04:55.000 I think the whole room that annex only gets, what is it, like 70 people?

00:04:58.000 Maybe 70 people.

00:04:59.000 And all the chairs are like facing the audience.

00:05:02.000 See, that says, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

00:05:04.000 You're sitting here.

00:05:05.000 You're going to say goodbye to your friend for a little while. 1.00

00:05:06.000 Yeah, this shit. 1.00

00:05:07.000 Yeah, right. 1.00

00:05:08.000 Like some of the improvs, and then the people are watching the show like this, and they have to kind of turn and look past the person next to them.

00:05:15.000 They're trying to feed you food, too.

00:05:17.000 Like you're working in a half restaurant.

00:05:19.000 The thing about, I will say this, about a good club, most of the food's been served or I couldn't do what I'm about to tell you that I've done.

00:05:25.000 So the club has to at least be good at going, no, we get the food out.

00:05:28.000 We have food we can get out.

00:05:29.000 By the time the show started, we try to have the whole room serviced.

00:05:33.000 So in the event, like Helium does that.

00:05:36.000 So I started making this announcement, and I would tell people, because I do my own pre-show announcement, it has to do with what you said about when they're sitting sideways.

00:05:43.000 And I would just go, real calm, real calm.

00:05:45.000 Other than that, folks, hey, now's a good time to turn your chair around.

00:05:48.000 You're always going to have to annoy someone to the right or the left of you, but now's the time to do it, and once all the chairs are facing the stage, we'll get this thing started.

00:05:56.000 Play a little house music.

00:05:56.000 And then you know what?

00:05:57.000 They wouldn't do it.

00:05:58.000 But another 30 seconds I'd go, so we're just waiting for all those chairs to get turned around and then we'll get it started.

00:06:02.000 So it looks like we're close to showtime.

00:06:04.000 And the second time, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 0.99

00:06:07.000 Every chair in the room, they're like, oh, they're nuts. 0.96

00:06:10.000 But, you know, I get it. 1.00

00:06:11.000 It's a pain in the ass. 0.99

00:06:12.000 And if I was in the audience, I wouldn't want to turn my chair around. 0.99

00:06:14.000 But guess what?

00:06:15.000 Once someone made me do it, you'd enjoy the show better.

00:06:18.000 And they do.

00:06:21.000 Have you ever used those yonder bags?

00:06:24.000 You know what those bags are?

00:06:25.000 They make people put their cell phone in a bag?

00:06:26.000 Yeah, Denver has them.

00:06:27.000 Yeah, Denver uses them for all their shows now.

00:06:29.000 I started using them for all my shows.

00:06:32.000 So a company comes in and just does it for you?

00:06:35.000 Yeah, you hire them.

00:06:36.000 They come in, and then when they put the phone in the bag, they still hold onto their phone.

00:06:40.000 They can leave the room if they get a phone call.

00:06:43.000 You have a kid or something like that, and someone's watching the kid, you can always get out of the room and make a call.

00:06:48.000 But you can't call people when you're in the room.

00:06:50.000 And I was having people calling people and talking on the phone.

00:06:53.000 You could see them talking on the phone while the show's going on.

00:06:56.000 And people around them would be getting pissed off.

00:06:59.000 And someone on Twitter commented on it.

00:07:01.000 And everyone's got their phones up.

00:07:03.000 Look, I know.

00:07:04.000 I've done it, too. 0.99

00:07:04.000 I'm totally a hypocrite. 0.99

00:07:06.000 When I saw Honey Honey with Gary Clark... 0.88

00:07:08.000 We performed in this little tiny room in downtown LA. It was a midnight show on like a Tuesday.

00:07:13.000 And I filmed it and I put it on my Instagram. 0.92

00:07:15.000 So I know I'm a hypocrite.

00:07:16.000 But that was a rare occasion and it wasn't a comedy show. 0.99

00:07:21.000 It's like a comedy show, you have to pay attention to what the fuck's going on. 0.97

00:07:24.000 If you're filming it, you're definitely not paying full attention. 0.91

00:07:29.000 It's just not, you're gonna miss some stuff.

00:07:31.000 It's just not the same thing. 0.98

00:07:32.000 When you're filming shit, like, everybody is just, and even if you're not, you're checking this and checking texts and, boy, we got a real addiction problem in this country with you. 0.96

00:07:42.000 These are new things. 0.99

00:07:43.000 These are new objects.

00:07:45.000 I realize, because I'm not delusional, that the amount of it, I can put most of it to rest with a pre-show announcement, where I'm at in my career.

00:07:52.000 But I get it.

00:07:53.000 As you get to different levels, there's different intensity, so I get it.

00:08:02.000 I changed my pre-show announcement when I went to see Brian Regan.

00:08:05.000 The person next to me, they were texting.

00:08:08.000 I couldn't hear them.

00:08:09.000 Matter of fact, they even had their light down.

00:08:12.000 So you think, well, what could bother me?

00:08:13.000 And it did.

00:08:14.000 And it didn't matter if it was right or wrong.

00:08:16.000 I know what it was.

00:08:17.000 I wanted the person next to me to be loving him as much as I was loving him.

00:08:21.000 And the fact that I saw him on their phone all night, even they weren't making a peep, it started to bother the fuck out of me.

00:08:28.000 I was getting angry, and then I went...

00:08:30.000 I'm going to do the same thing at my show.

00:08:32.000 I go, don't turn your thing all the way down.

00:08:34.000 I go, I know what you think, and you pull it out near your knee. 1.00

00:08:36.000 I go, seriously, if you pull your phone out after this announcement, you look like a dick. 0.99

00:08:41.000 I go, and other than that, we're glad you're here. 0.98

00:08:45.000 And you know what?

00:08:46.000 You just have to pinky that announcement a little longer, but it works.

00:08:50.000 I'm worried about people.

00:08:51.000 I really are.

00:08:52.000 This is a really new thing.

00:08:54.000 The more I'm thinking about it, the more looking at your phone constantly is really only 10 years old.

00:08:59.000 Right?

00:09:00.000 Like 2008-ish?

00:09:02.000 The iPhone came around in 2009, right?

00:09:04.000 Before that, people were a little texty.

00:09:07.000 Some people were more texty than others.

00:09:09.000 They really got into text messages.

00:09:11.000 But once that iPhone came out, and once people started doing a bunch of stuff and apps and stuff on your phone, it changed the whole game.

00:09:18.000 You know, I don't know...

00:09:20.000 With this topic, if I'm like...

00:09:22.000 I could be way off, or I could be off-kilt, but the way I come to my conclusion about, like, you know, it is a weird thing.

00:09:29.000 And even me, I could acknowledge it.

00:09:30.000 Otherwise, if I don't acknowledge it, then you're never going to tell someone the opposing side if they don't think you get what I... Yeah, you see it.

00:09:36.000 But it just seems like in the past...

00:09:38.000 Now, this could be different.

00:09:39.000 With no snarkiness at all, this could be a different thing.

00:09:43.000 Every time they think there's one of these things, like TV, radio, it just seems like we get past it.

00:09:50.000 Oh, I think we'll get past it.

00:09:52.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:52.000 I didn't think the world was going to explode.

00:09:54.000 No, I'm worried about certain...

00:09:56.000 I'm not worried about the human race, but I'm worried about the lives of certain people, if that makes sense. 0.99

00:10:02.000 Because it's like saying, like, are you worried that crack's going to destroy the human race?

00:10:06.000 No, I'm not worried that crack is going to destroy it, but I do think it can destroy the lives of some people.

00:10:11.000 And I feel the same way about this.

00:10:14.000 Right, like the texting.

00:10:16.000 It's not just that.

00:10:17.000 It's like being plugged into electronics to the point where that's where you're getting most of your stimuli from.

00:10:24.000 You're getting artificial stimuli.

00:10:26.000 My concern, and this is a real concern, is that we're getting really into that and that we're going to let it take the next step, which is some sort of an implant.

00:10:35.000 I feel like we're in a movie.

00:10:37.000 We're in a movie about a person that becomes a machine.

00:10:40.000 And we're watching this rationalization process as we slowly get more and more ingrained and interconnected with technology.

00:10:48.000 We'll definitely, in our lifetime, have somebody like...

00:10:52.000 100%.

00:10:53.000 What you were just addressing, like we said before, like I... I catch myself, and I really try, like if I had to give myself a grade on how much I've improved on turning the phone off, loving it for what's great about it, I give myself maybe a C-,

00:11:09.000 but it means I've made some strides in turning it off.

00:11:12.000 You're not an F. Not an F. Not from far.

00:11:14.000 Matter of fact, I remember a week ago, I was going to the Grove, and I went, I'm not meeting anybody, and I left my phone in the car.

00:11:22.000 Ooh, strong move.

00:11:25.000 Strong move.

00:11:26.000 Now what sucked is I had two ideas.

00:11:28.000 I had two ideas and I was high and I didn't want to write them down. 0.99

00:11:31.000 I went, ah shit, that's the thing about leaving your phone in the car. 0.97

00:11:34.000 Take a picture or show someone a picture or it doesn't have to always be. 0.99

00:11:38.000 But anyway, I try.

00:11:40.000 I go and, you know, never walking through a line.

00:11:43.000 That actually could encourage you to write.

00:11:45.000 You know, you could just use...

00:11:47.000 I hate writing.

00:11:49.000 But I mean saying, you can only use your phone when you have a note or an idea.

00:11:54.000 That's the only time you could use it.

00:11:56.000 So you make like a loophole.

00:11:57.000 Like, I'm pretending that I don't even have this phone unless I need to make a note.

00:12:02.000 You know what?

00:12:02.000 I could put it on airplane mode.

00:12:04.000 You could put it on airplane mode.

00:12:05.000 And still have it for the other stuff.

00:12:07.000 Although it weighs my pants down, oddly enough.

00:12:10.000 That's true.

00:12:10.000 Good conversation, right?

00:12:12.000 It does do that.

00:12:13.000 No, it does. 1.00

00:12:13.000 They jam in your pockets and shit. 1.00

00:12:16.000 That's why I like fanny packs. 0.99

00:12:18.000 People just mock me relentlessly.

00:12:20.000 Can I tell you something?

00:12:21.000 There's no way.

00:12:22.000 I say it all the time. 0.99

00:12:23.000 When I go, especially if I have my Altoids, and then I have a pipe, and then I go, what the fuck? 1.00

00:12:28.000 You're a pipe guy? 0.99

00:12:29.000 I still do for some reason.

00:12:31.000 You're old school.

00:12:31.000 It's old school.

00:12:32.000 What else?

00:12:32.000 What do you do?

00:12:33.000 You like jazz clubs?

00:12:34.000 You like pipes?

00:12:35.000 What do you do?

00:12:36.000 What is your typical way to smoke?

00:12:37.000 Mostly joints or vape pens.

00:12:39.000 You know, it's the rolling of the joint that I... Oh, I have a question for you.

00:12:43.000 Okay.

00:12:44.000 And I think you might know the answer.

00:12:46.000 I smoke...

00:12:47.000 I'm not going to blame you if something happens.

00:12:51.000 I know I switched conversation completely, but you might have the answer.

00:12:53.000 No worries.

00:12:53.000 I have two things I want to ask you a question.

00:12:55.000 Okay.

00:12:56.000 Did I interrupt?

00:12:57.000 No, no, no.

00:12:58.000 Not at all.

00:12:59.000 I smoke now seven nights a week.

00:13:02.000 Wow.

00:13:03.000 So I'll have like a joint.

00:13:04.000 I would say if I had to put it in joint size, maybe a joint per night.

00:13:08.000 So it's not that.

00:13:09.000 It's not a tremendous amount.

00:13:11.000 Just at night.

00:13:12.000 Not that I'm saying.

00:13:13.000 I want a prize for that.

00:13:14.000 Just for me, it works better at night.

00:13:15.000 But I say I quit smoking.

00:13:18.000 And I did.

00:13:18.000 I quit smoking.

00:13:20.000 I used to smoke around a pack and a half a month.

00:13:23.000 Is this as bad?

00:13:24.000 Pack and a half a month is pretty...

00:13:25.000 It wasn't horrendous, but I quit because I had a...

00:13:28.000 Couple a day.

00:13:28.000 Yeah.

00:13:30.000 Is this smoking seven nights with just a joint as bad as when I smoke cigarettes?

00:13:35.000 No, it's not.

00:13:36.000 It's not the same thing.

00:13:37.000 It's not even close?

00:13:38.000 No, no.

00:13:38.000 It's not even close.

00:13:39.000 There's no evidence that marijuana smoke causes cancer.

00:13:42.000 What you can do is get respiratory irritation. 0.98

00:13:46.000 It can fuck with your voice. 0.87

00:13:49.000 What about tar? 0.99

00:13:50.000 You can avoid all that stuff, is what I was going to say, with a vaporizer.

00:13:54.000 Vaporizer is the way to go.

00:13:55.000 But it is a different high, oddly enough.

00:13:58.000 Vaporizer seems like a little bit more clean in some weird way.

00:14:02.000 When I get high with a vaporizer, I'm always like, whoa, this is like a...

00:14:06.000 It's almost as if...

00:14:09.000 This is going to sound so crazy.

00:14:11.000 There's something that has to do with the fire interacting with the plant that connects you to nature.

00:14:19.000 There's something about a lit joint.

00:14:23.000 You take it in, and I feel natural.

00:14:27.000 When I vaporize, I feel alien.

00:14:30.000 When I vaporize, I feel like, what this is, is like, let's extract all of what it is to be a living thing and get to the molecules.

00:14:38.000 What's the molecule? 0.95

00:14:40.000 What temperature do I heat those bitches up where I can shove them right in your bloodstream? 1.00

00:14:43.000 That's what the vaporizer sees. 0.99

00:14:44.000 The vaporizer's like, hang on, Hannah!

00:14:46.000 Like, woo! 0.93

00:14:48.000 Like, it's just, you're not connected the same way.

00:14:52.000 It's connected a different way.

00:14:53.000 They're both amazing.

00:14:55.000 It's not a judgment call.

00:14:55.000 That's what most people probably agree.

00:14:56.000 I agree with you.

00:14:57.000 Most people do, I think.

00:14:58.000 They'll be like, yeah, I know.

00:14:59.000 It's a different thing.

00:15:00.000 Even a joint, I don't roll joints because I'm lazy, but whenever someone has a joint and they put it, I go, this is when I, this just happens so, I get a little higher.

00:15:11.000 I like the smoked joints.

00:15:12.000 It feels like it's real clear what's happening.

00:15:17.000 There's a lot of these vape pens.

00:15:18.000 You've got to press them five times, then hold them, and you're sucking it in.

00:15:22.000 You don't know what's in that oil, man.

00:15:23.000 Who's making that stuff? 1.00

00:15:25.000 Who's making that shit? 1.00

00:15:26.000 They yell at you when you can't do it. 1.00

00:15:28.000 Just press it twice.

00:15:29.000 It doesn't work as easy as you think.

00:15:31.000 Oh, Jesus Christ with the press it twice.

00:15:33.000 I got one more thing. 1.00

00:15:34.000 Do you ever fuck around with spray? 1.00

00:15:36.000 Jumbo spray? 1.00

00:15:37.000 You ever fuck around with Jumbo? 1.00

00:15:38.000 Do you know what Jumbo is? 1.00

00:15:39.000 You put it in the water?

00:15:40.000 No, super organic, really high-end edibles and spray. 1.00

00:15:44.000 And this fucking spray will put you on the moon. 0.99

00:15:49.000 Wow, do you have any? 1.00

00:15:50.000 Of course I do.

00:15:52.000 Wow, but I have to drive.

00:15:53.000 I have someone hanging with me today.

00:15:55.000 John Brand Wagner.

00:15:56.000 Give him a shout-out. 1.00

00:15:58.000 I give him a shout-out, you piece of shit. 1.00

00:15:59.000 This is the... 1.00

00:16:00.000 A thousand milligram?

00:16:02.000 Like, if you drank the whole bottle, it's a thousand milligrams.

00:16:05.000 That's too much to have, of course.

00:16:06.000 Oh, yeah!

00:16:07.000 I wouldn't have a half a spray.

00:16:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:09.000 So do you think I'm safe to do it right now?

00:16:10.000 It's always fun to experiment.

00:16:11.000 Yeah, just a little spray.

00:16:12.000 Especially because you're saying to do it.

00:16:13.000 You know why it's more comfortable?

00:16:15.000 Why?

00:16:15.000 Because if something happens to me and I can't...

00:16:18.000 You blame me?

00:16:19.000 Let's just don't blame you.

00:16:20.000 Let's do it afterwards.

00:16:21.000 Unless you want to do it now.

00:16:24.000 I'm like the worst crack dealer ever.

00:16:26.000 You can do it now.

00:16:28.000 Well, I mean, everybody wants to do it.

00:16:30.000 Just give it a taste.

00:16:31.000 Let me have a little.

00:16:32.000 I'll have one.

00:16:34.000 And then I do have a question.

00:16:35.000 You know, you might have an answer.

00:16:37.000 What?

00:16:37.000 What did you have, a half a spray?

00:16:39.000 I had one spray.

00:16:40.000 Good enough.

00:16:41.000 Okay.

00:16:42.000 Alright, we're in.

00:16:45.000 What's the other question?

00:16:47.000 You think, why am I asking you this?

00:16:48.000 But I think you might have an answer.

00:16:50.000 So, but I'm being totally honest. 0.92

00:16:53.000 I am exhausted from dealing with, like, it's like, not like it's a big deal, but it's like the first time you, whether, you can admit major things in your life, like, oh, I have a drinking problem, but they can be stupid little things, you know? 0.71

00:17:04.000 Mine is eating.

00:17:05.000 Like, I am exhausted from doing it the wrong way.

00:17:08.000 And everything comes back to me for self-control.

00:17:11.000 So when people want to tell me about a diet, it's not portions.

00:17:14.000 I know what portions are.

00:17:15.000 I just want to eat more. 0.98

00:17:17.000 So it's all down to how do I fucking get self-control. 0.98

00:17:20.000 I have zero... 0.98

00:17:21.000 I mean, if I'm not going to call it zero self-control, then I don't know what the hell I'm going to call it.

00:17:25.000 But that's very hard for me.

00:17:27.000 You're very hard on yourself.

00:17:28.000 I think you have self-control, Todd.

00:17:30.000 I think you're a wonderful man, but you're hilarious.

00:17:34.000 And one of the reasons why you're hilarious is because you're so...

00:17:37.000 You're free.

00:17:38.000 You're impulsive.

00:17:39.000 And that sort of...

00:17:40.000 It's very difficult for that to lend itself to dietary discipline.

00:17:44.000 It's like, I want to eat it! 1.00

00:17:45.000 Fuck it! 1.00

00:17:46.000 I just fucking eat it! 1.00

00:17:47.000 Right? 1.00

00:17:48.000 That's you.

00:17:48.000 It's also part of what makes you such a hilarious comic.

00:17:51.000 It's like you have these impulses.

00:17:54.000 Well, that makes me feel better.

00:17:55.000 Yeah, you don't want discomfort.

00:17:56.000 Split the difference, at least, with what you're saying.

00:17:57.000 You don't want discomfort, and you want to have fun.

00:18:00.000 It's like, it's right there, I want to eat that food. 1.00

00:18:03.000 Fuck it, right? 0.99

00:18:04.000 I just had a thought of me, like, picture me at the canter shoving cheesecake in my mouth, and my friends are looking at me like, Todd, and I go, Joe Rogan said that because I'm creative that I should eat whatever I want. 1.00

00:18:17.000 He said it, and you can go listen to his podcast.

00:18:20.000 He said that I should eat...

00:18:23.000 Joe Rogan, and you can go listen, he said, clear out the minibar before you get in your hotel bed, even if you're not really hungry.

00:18:31.000 Because I'm creative, okay?

00:18:32.000 So I don't have control over this.

00:18:36.000 Joe Rogan!

00:18:37.000 There's also a problem, there's another problem with discipline.

00:18:40.000 This is a problem with discipline in comedy.

00:18:42.000 I think that hit me already.

00:18:43.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:18:44.000 Nah, that's probably just the weed hit you.

00:18:46.000 It takes a little while for the spray to get you.

00:18:49.000 Usually a few more minutes than that.

00:18:52.000 I forget my point.

00:18:54.000 What was my point?

00:18:56.000 About the self-control.

00:18:58.000 Oh, that when you really discipline people in comedy, they don't go well together that much either.

00:19:05.000 Because if you're too driven and too discipliny, that's almost always dicky.

00:19:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:13.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.72

00:19:14.000 Too disciplined, too rigid, too determined, and too enthusiastic about success, you get dicky.

00:19:25.000 Let me ask you this.

00:19:27.000 This thought could be wrong.

00:19:28.000 I'm okay with thinking something and then maybe finding out.

00:19:31.000 But whenever a comedian...

00:19:33.000 I bet there's funny ones out there.

00:19:35.000 Definitely.

00:19:35.000 Because over the years I remember them.

00:19:37.000 I can't think of which ones, but they definitely exist.

00:19:39.000 They are funny.

00:19:41.000 They are funny.

00:19:42.000 But they've never smoked, drank, Can you be a good comedian if you haven't done those things?

00:19:49.000 I think you'd be a good comedian if you're a man.

00:19:52.000 You could be a good comedian if you're a woman. 1.00

00:19:54.000 You could be a good comedian if you're gay or trans. 0.93

00:19:58.000 You're a good comedian if you're a good comedian. 0.89

00:20:01.000 Why do I ask that?

00:20:03.000 Because I should be embarrassed to ask that. 0.99

00:20:04.000 There's a lot of people that are really good that don't do shit. 0.99

00:20:07.000 Never. 0.99

00:20:08.000 Yeah, they don't have a desire to.

00:20:11.000 You know, it's just everybody's brain works different.

00:20:13.000 And some people, like, the idea of losing control with a substance is not fun.

00:20:19.000 Right.

00:20:20.000 They don't like that feeling. 1.00

00:20:22.000 But they can keep their shit together. 1.00

00:20:24.000 You know, I know a lot of people that don't drink, they don't do anything, but they keep their shit together. 1.00

00:20:28.000 And maybe that's better. 0.99

00:20:29.000 For them, they feel like it is.

00:20:32.000 I don't know.

00:20:32.000 Right.

00:20:33.000 You know, as I asked that, you gave me the answer to go, you're right, you're right.

00:20:39.000 But I asked it means that I had a question about that.

00:20:43.000 And I think I've talked about this in the past, and once I was like, somebody was saying, well, maybe, what if you're not experimenting?

00:20:50.000 But no, there's a billion ways to do those things that you use pot to do without the pot, obviously.

00:20:56.000 Well, I think I use yoga for that, too, man.

00:21:00.000 I love going to a hot yoga class. 0.97

00:21:02.000 It's fucking hard. 0.99

00:21:03.000 And it's like a drug. 0.99

00:21:05.000 Like, you get a lot of thinking done in there, man.

00:21:07.000 When you're just holding these poses and there's no music, no nothing, just everybody in the class breathing is a 90-minute class.

00:21:15.000 There's some sort of psychedelic effect there.

00:21:17.000 There's some sort of cleansing of the mind.

00:21:19.000 And I think that's one of the things that we overlook when it comes to mental health.

00:21:23.000 Your brain needs to be cleaned out.

00:21:25.000 You can't just like stagnate and think on thoughts.

00:21:28.000 Your physical body can clean your brain out a little bit.

00:21:33.000 Can get rid of some of the stress and tension.

00:21:35.000 And you can see things clearer.

00:21:37.000 Like those terms, stress reduction, tension relief.

00:21:40.000 What does that mean? 1.00

00:21:41.000 It means the way you fucking think! 1.00

00:21:43.000 Okay? 1.00

00:21:44.000 You're doing something to your body that radically alters the way you're going to think about things.

00:21:49.000 And everybody's supposed to do it.

00:21:51.000 And one of the problems in society is that you don't do it, but you have these instincts that are built into your body from thousands of years of what people asked of their bodies 20, 30 generations ago.

00:22:05.000 We're all those same people.

00:22:06.000 So if we don't deal with what our body, just some physical activity, you just got to get the blood flowing.

00:22:13.000 If you don't, you're like an overflowing battery or something.

00:22:18.000 I, as far as the stopping thing, think I have a great idea for people to do to get a smidgen of what it's like to stop.

00:22:26.000 If you go, okay, I won't meditate or I won't do this.

00:22:28.000 I get it.

00:22:28.000 But this, if you do it, I promise, whoever does it that's listening will go...

00:22:33.000 You'll get a little taste of it, and it all happens naturally.

00:22:35.000 But it started by accident, but then we started realizing it's about stopping.

00:22:39.000 So, like, one night, it was about, like, probably ten years ago after dinner, or before dinner, I had some hot washcloths.

00:22:45.000 And I was like, oh, just like at a Chinese restaurant, joking around. 0.98

00:22:49.000 But we all did it, and then we realized, wow, that really...

00:22:53.000 Stopped us.

00:22:54.000 The heat, putting it on your face.

00:22:56.000 So now I have a ritual that I do.

00:22:59.000 I have it all figured out.

00:23:01.000 The less people, the better, because the hot washcloth has a short shelf life.

00:23:05.000 It has to be so scorching hot when you hand it to people by the time they get it to their face.

00:23:11.000 So I use the tea kettle, pour it all over like six of them.

00:23:14.000 And here's the rule.

00:23:16.000 The radio goes off.

00:23:17.000 Sometimes you think, I'll leave it on.

00:23:18.000 I don't feel like walking over and turning off.

00:23:19.000 Nope.

00:23:20.000 Even if it's jazz, off.

00:23:21.000 And I ask everybody, check the pulse of the room.

00:23:24.000 If you take yours off and you're ready to start talking, but you say, oh, three people still have it on their face, shh.

00:23:31.000 And I go, I'll break it.

00:23:32.000 But just once you get the hot washcloth in your hands, I go, it's going to be hot.

00:23:36.000 You're going to want to go, oh, it's hot.

00:23:38.000 It's way too hot.

00:23:38.000 It's hotter than you think it is.

00:23:39.000 So just get ready.

00:23:40.000 I give everybody one.

00:23:43.000 I put it on their face.

00:23:45.000 No one even has to tell them to take a deep breath.

00:23:47.000 You naturally do after like a second because you need to.

00:23:50.000 So you go.

00:23:51.000 Then you let it out.

00:23:53.000 And then I go, wow!

00:23:55.000 And then you literally, spiritually, you shut down, and then you wipe your hands, literally take some of the dirt off your hands from the day. 1.00

00:24:01.000 And we always think, holy shit! 0.99

00:24:04.000 Resetting yourself, that's a simple way to get a taste. 0.99

00:24:08.000 And we always make the joke, we're like, oh, we're just going to eat, and then we're going to go throughout the whole day, and then, oh, put our food, okay, blah, blah, blah.

00:24:14.000 I go, no, of course, stop!

00:24:16.000 You got us! 1.00

00:24:17.000 And that hot washcloth, it's like, fuck! 1.00

00:24:20.000 Yeah, I think your brain has requirements for those things, those kind of things. 1.00

00:24:24.000 I think those kind of moments are really good for your outlook, a reset.

00:24:29.000 I think that's like the same feeling that maybe a primitive man would get when he would walk up to the edge of a cliff and see some crazy view and see nature and birds flying around, the sun.

00:24:41.000 Wow. 0.95

00:24:43.000 Yeah, I'm getting chased by leopards every day, but look, this is fucking amazing. 0.95

00:24:50.000 Renewed enthusiasm about life, about life itself. 0.79

00:24:55.000 And the simplest things, obviously.

00:24:57.000 I have a theory.

00:24:57.000 I don't give myself any credit when I have these talks when things are going well.

00:25:01.000 It's good, but if I can be in a tense moment and get out of it, then I'll be proud of myself.

00:25:08.000 Yeah, that's the thing about all that motivational speaking stuff, right?

00:25:13.000 It's like the guy who's doing all the motivational speaking, if he's pulling up in a Rolls Royce and he lives in a big mansion, it's like, yeah, you're enthusiastic.

00:25:21.000 Look, everything's going great.

00:25:23.000 How are you if someone takes all this stuff away?

00:25:27.000 Can you be stoic?

00:25:31.000 Can you be at peace when you're broke and you're by yourself in some one-bedroom apartment somewhere?

00:25:38.000 Can you do it all over again?

00:25:40.000 Get back to the suburbs.

00:25:44.000 You know, could you imagine if someone told you?

00:25:46.000 Dan Cook was the first one I ever heard talk about this, so I'll give him credit for that.

00:25:50.000 He said, I would never want to try to do stand-up again.

00:25:53.000 I don't think I could do it.

00:25:55.000 Like, that it is so hard to do that I would never want to start and do it again.

00:25:59.000 Did you ever think, like, what it would be like if you had to start again?

00:26:02.000 Like right now, you have zero jokes, you've never done stand-up, but somehow or another you have this vague memory of the grind that it takes to become an actual professional.

00:26:14.000 I think I'd do it in a hard...

00:26:15.000 I think definitely.

00:26:17.000 Definitely, right?

00:26:17.000 Definitely.

00:26:18.000 Definitely.

00:26:18.000 But that's because you already know, right?

00:26:21.000 You already know you could do it.

00:26:23.000 It would be a totally different thing. 1.00

00:26:25.000 It's actually a stupid question. 1.00

00:26:27.000 Now that I think about it, fuck Dane Cook. 1.00

00:26:29.000 Just kidding. 1.00

00:26:30.000 Just kidding, Dane.

00:26:31.000 Don't get upset.

00:26:32.000 But I'm saying, if you think about it, it doesn't even make any sense.

00:26:37.000 Because of course you would know that you could make it.

00:26:39.000 So it would be way easier.

00:26:41.000 Even if you just started, oh, I can't believe I'm 21 again, doing stand-up. 0.99

00:26:44.000 This is ridiculous. 0.99

00:26:45.000 Are you 21 again, or you are? 1.00

00:26:48.000 You'd have to start from scratch.

00:26:49.000 I'd just do it to get younger.

00:26:51.000 But then, once you made the decision, unless you live in some bizarro world where you're allowed to live two lives, you would never even have memory.

00:26:59.000 Right?

00:26:59.000 You'd be 21. That's what I... All I'd have to do is just say yes, and I'd be 21 again.

00:27:04.000 It's a stupid fucking question. 1.00

00:27:06.000 Maybe you have it a little off. 1.00

00:27:08.000 Maybe he'd be like, no, I said this and that.

00:27:11.000 I don't think he thought it through. 0.99

00:27:15.000 You said something a minute ago, and that's when I should write shit down. 0.98

00:27:18.000 I was going to ask you... 0.98

00:27:21.000 Was it about the food thing?

00:27:22.000 No, no, no.

00:27:23.000 What were you just talking about before the... 0.98

00:27:25.000 We're talking about discipline, like hard asses. 0.96

00:27:27.000 And then we got to, like, how difficult it would be to start over doing... 0.54

00:27:32.000 I think anything.

00:27:33.000 Like, if you said that to a brain surgeon, you want to start from scratch.

00:27:36.000 Start from, you know, right after you graduate high school.

00:27:39.000 You want to take it from day one, freshman year of college.

00:27:44.000 Just thinking about getting through.

00:27:46.000 No! 1.00

00:27:47.000 Fuck that! 1.00

00:27:49.000 Did you ever think of, like, I know two things I would have done, like, before, when did you start stand-up? 1.00

00:27:54.000 Excuse me, 88. I was 21. Did you, is there a job, when you were in high school, did you think, you thought you knew what you wanted to do, maybe, for a living?

00:28:01.000 Not really.

00:28:02.000 My number one option was teaching Taekwondo, which I already was doing.

00:28:07.000 That's what I was doing.

00:28:08.000 Oh, so you were already...

00:28:09.000 Yeah, but I didn't, I didn't want to fight anymore, and I didn't think that, um, I didn't think that there would be a real future in me teaching.

00:28:20.000 I didn't really like teaching everybody.

00:28:23.000 I only liked teaching people that were super enthusiastic.

00:28:27.000 Because I was young at the time.

00:28:29.000 When I first started teaching on my own, I was 19. I was teaching at Boston University.

00:28:34.000 I had my own school for a while.

00:28:36.000 And you were 21?

00:28:36.000 I was 19. Wow.

00:28:38.000 Yeah.

00:28:39.000 And in Boston?

00:28:40.000 Yeah, in Boston.

00:28:41.000 I taught a pass-fail-A class.

00:28:45.000 They can get credit for it.

00:28:46.000 And I would say, all you have to do is just show up and you get an A. Just try.

00:28:50.000 Just try and you get an A. It has nothing to do with your physical performance because the idea that everybody's starting on the same page is ridiculous. 0.66

00:28:55.000 Some of these people have serious athletic backgrounds.

00:28:58.000 Some of these people never worked out a day in their life and they thought it'd be fun to try something new.

00:29:01.000 So the idea of grading them against each other, I said, I'll give you guys all an A. I was their age.

00:29:07.000 Are you allowed to do that?

00:29:09.000 As a teacher?

00:29:10.000 The worst thing they could do was fire me and I didn't care because it only paid like 200 bucks a month or something.

00:29:15.000 It wasn't expensive.

00:29:16.000 It wasn't a valuable thing.

00:29:19.000 But it was a prestigious thing.

00:29:20.000 It's like I'm teaching at a university and I'm 19. Did most people get the A? Everybody got an A. No, I mean, did anybody not show up?

00:29:28.000 All the times I taught, I taught for a couple years, one or two people just didn't show up.

00:29:33.000 You know, you're always going to have that.

00:29:34.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:29:34.000 One or two people just say fuck, they fuck off. 1.00

00:29:36.000 But I just made it fun. 1.00

00:29:37.000 You know, I was their age. 0.90

00:29:38.000 And so we just, we did a lot of cool shit and kick pads and I taught them how to turn their hip into stuff and how to, you know, how to get power things.

00:29:46.000 You could see them, it's a, there's something very enthusiastic about someone Regardless of what their physical ability is getting a little bit better and seeing it, you know Even if they start from nothing and then you see just yes. 0.75

00:29:57.000 Yes, you're getting it You're getting it and then see them beam like you get this that that to me was what I was into what I wasn't into is people that needed to be motivated and They just half-assed things.

00:30:11.000 They weren't enthusiastic.

00:30:12.000 They were distracted.

00:30:13.000 Maybe they were talking too much.

00:30:15.000 You could do all that stuff another time, but if you want to get good at this, there's only one way.

00:30:20.000 You have to be really interested in getting good at it.

00:30:23.000 You've got to be really focused on all the things you're doing, right or wrong.

00:30:27.000 Whenever I see a comedian, like, you go back a year to a club, you saw a comedian, he's a newer comedian.

00:30:32.000 If he has been going up at least twice a week, and it's 52 weeks later, it's fun to see that type of improvement.

00:30:38.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:39.000 And you're like, wow, like, yeah, maybe I've gone up, what, 300 times since you've been here.

00:30:44.000 Yeah.

00:30:44.000 But you can tell if they haven't.

00:30:46.000 Do you have any friends that you knew when you were professional and they were open micers?

00:30:51.000 Oh, you mean?

00:30:52.000 Like, they're professionals now.

00:30:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:54.000 You were a full-blown professional.

00:30:55.000 You met them when they were an open-miker.

00:30:57.000 Mm-hmm.

00:30:57.000 Matter of fact, it leads me to a little plug.

00:31:00.000 Oh, you want a plug?

00:31:02.000 It does look like you set me up for it.

00:31:04.000 But Blake Wexler is a comedian.

00:31:06.000 He's a professional comedian now.

00:31:07.000 And he met me when he was, like, 15 or 16 at Helium.

00:31:11.000 And he was wearing a Conestoga shirt.

00:31:13.000 That's where I went to high school.

00:31:14.000 So, of course, you're like, you know, and he said he's a new comedian.

00:31:16.000 So, right away.

00:31:17.000 Went to your high school and he's doing stand-up comedy.

00:31:19.000 He was with his dad.

00:31:20.000 We talked.

00:31:22.000 I go, hey, if you want to come back with your friend Saturday, I said, here's my number.

00:31:25.000 I'll put you on the guest list.

00:31:27.000 And then, you know, a year goes by, I was in Philly, I called him, I said, hey Blake, you know, thanks for, it was, whatever it was, it would be a message I was leaving, hey, I got your friends on the guest list for Thursday, and then there's these messages.

00:31:39.000 Then we became good friends.

00:31:40.000 So he told me I saved every one of your messages about a year ago.

00:31:43.000 I've had people say that before, but then they go, oh, they got erased, or when they, you know, oh, I got my computer, and then I lost them.

00:31:49.000 He came over about a year ago with, like, 50 messages.

00:31:54.000 And so we put him on a CD and put him on iTunes, and it's 12 years of messages from Todd Glass to Blake Wexler, a simple name.

00:32:03.000 But the reason I think it's really pure, which is a weird way to maybe say it, but it's just from me to him.

00:32:10.000 Now, there was probably three or four at the end where I knew they'd probably end up on there, but I mentioned it.

00:32:15.000 I go, now this whole thing is fucking ruined because I know you're making that CD, so now I'm aware of it.

00:32:21.000 But most of them, I never thought they'd end up on a CD. So it's just me talking to Blake, and it sort of tells our friendship.

00:32:26.000 You see the friendship grow, but there's some of them very funny.

00:32:32.000 To hear them years later.

00:32:33.000 That's a cool thing to watch someone like that become a pro, right? 0.96

00:32:38.000 And just see them when they're first starting out, and that first year or so, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen?

00:32:44.000 You know, you decide, I want to try stand-up, and then you start going to open mic nights.

00:32:48.000 That first year, who knows what's gonna happen?

00:32:50.000 I mean, you might eat it a couple of times, and Dad'd be like, alright, this is just too painful. 1.00

00:32:56.000 Fuck this. 1.00

00:32:57.000 And what other job is that painful when you fuck up? 1.00

00:33:00.000 I know, I couldn't even... 0.98

00:33:01.000 I couldn't even think about getting a weekend.

00:33:03.000 It was on Wednesday, and then sometimes you would host.

00:33:08.000 That was like a thing.

00:33:09.000 You got to host the open mic night and then do Thursday Best of Philly.

00:33:12.000 But getting a weekend, I remember once sitting around with my friend.

00:33:15.000 He goes, do you think you'll get a weekend ever?

00:33:17.000 I'm like, I don't know.

00:33:20.000 I don't know why I didn't think I'd get a weekend.

00:33:22.000 I don't, but that's what you think when you're first starting out, right?

00:33:25.000 I don't know.

00:33:26.000 Some door guy told me.

00:33:27.000 He goes, you're going to get a weekend.

00:33:28.000 You know what I thought? 1.00

00:33:29.000 He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. 0.99

00:33:31.000 I thought because I'm not gonna be so stupid to think oh Tony knows I'm gonna get a weekend but he probably did know he was he was around comedy a lot he probably knew something you know yeah yeah he's gonna be he'll get a weekend you know I got a weekend all right yeah man when you when you talking when you're talking to an open miker it's like you're talking to someone who's gonna make a journey that like if you had a hundred open micers what are the odds That they become professional. 0.99

00:34:01.000 They make it to being a working stand-up.

00:34:04.000 I'm guessing.

00:34:05.000 I want to guess it's one.

00:34:07.000 Out of a hundred.

00:34:11.000 When you say it that way, it is a bigger number.

00:34:14.000 But if you take an isolated area like Philadelphia or whatever city, and you go, how many of these?

00:34:18.000 You know when you go into a town, sometimes I'll know like some of the newer comedians.

00:34:21.000 They hang out a lot.

00:34:23.000 Sometimes they work at the club because they're new.

00:34:25.000 But there's like a group of them.

00:34:26.000 And out of that group, whatever city it is, I always think somebody's going to.

00:34:31.000 Maybe two even.

00:34:32.000 Maybe three.

00:34:33.000 It's usually one or two at each level, but there's always a hundred guys.

00:34:37.000 Right?

00:34:38.000 Like, I started out with Fitzsimmons.

00:34:40.000 Maybe I'm just meeting the cream of the crop.

00:34:42.000 Well, you definitely are, if it's in LA, right?

00:34:45.000 No, no, I'm talking about like when you're on the road.

00:34:46.000 Even in Philly or New York.

00:34:47.000 Oh, when they come in, you mean?

00:34:48.000 Like Bloomington has a scene, and you think, a lot of those people, two years later, like, wow, look how good they're doing, and they're in New York now, and they're...

00:34:55.000 So in a small group, but yeah, probably on all the comedians in every city that are doing it right now, I guess it's a lot lower.

00:35:03.000 Yeah, what I'm saying is, from the person who makes it on stage the first time, every week at the Comedy Store, you're dealing with how many, what do they get on?

00:35:12.000 I get it now.

00:35:13.000 16 people in a night?

00:35:14.000 Probably more.

00:35:15.000 20 people on an open mic night?

00:35:17.000 Because they do three minutes each?

00:35:19.000 Let's just say they get up 20 people a night.

00:35:23.000 How many of those people are going to become professionals?

00:35:25.000 It might be one out of a hundred.

00:35:28.000 It might be.

00:35:29.000 Yeah, and then how many people?

00:35:31.000 Some people go up once.

00:35:33.000 Yeah.

00:35:33.000 Open mics are crazy.

00:35:35.000 I encourage anyone, if you're not even into doing stand-up, just to go watch an open mic night. 0.89

00:35:42.000 And see the mania and the madness and what some of it is just someone who you you what you're seeing is Potential right or no potential you're seeing one of those two things Either you see it someone where you go that person is fucking never going to be a stand-up comedian There's no way there's just no way,

00:36:03.000 you know like there's no way and then you're seeing huh, maybe Oh, yeah.

00:36:08.000 She was funny.

00:36:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:36:10.000 Sometimes when you say the first one where you go, no way.

00:36:13.000 It's not even they did a bad...

00:36:14.000 It's never based on...

00:36:15.000 We're basing it on something...

00:36:17.000 It's still a guess, but we're basing it on something pretty fair.

00:36:20.000 It's not like their joke didn't go over and we're going, oh, no.

00:36:22.000 Sometimes it's the vanilla-ness of the personality might not lend itself to be...

00:36:27.000 Well, it's just sometimes their brain's broken, too.

00:36:30.000 Some people just...

00:36:31.000 Their brain's not working right.

00:36:32.000 And they can kind of get by in regular life.

00:36:35.000 Kind of.

00:36:37.000 But you see them, like, express themselves, like, I'm gonna prepare something and bring it to the stage. 0.99

00:36:42.000 And then people go, what in the fuck is going on in your head, sir? 0.99

00:36:46.000 There's those people. 0.99

00:36:48.000 And you're just not, this is not gonna happen.

00:36:50.000 I mean, maybe they might be perfect for music.

00:36:53.000 They might be perfect for being in the front of a punk band or something.

00:36:56.000 But it's just, you know, certain people.

00:36:59.000 Like, I think it might be one out of a hundred.

00:37:02.000 Like, if you bomb on stage with a song, it's got to be pretty bad, too.

00:37:06.000 Right?

00:37:07.000 But you have, like, the others.

00:37:09.000 Yeah.

00:37:09.000 Obviously, the people that have...

00:37:11.000 Just so nobody thinks we're being babies here.

00:37:13.000 The people that have physical risks, that's a way worse thing, right?

00:37:16.000 First responders, police officers, things along those lines.

00:37:20.000 Oh, even in sports, I always say.

00:37:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:37:22.000 I can never do it.

00:37:23.000 Because in a comedy show...

00:37:25.000 And often it happens.

00:37:26.000 Everybody can win in one night.

00:37:28.000 Like, if you're on the road and you're with two other comedians, or three or whatever, there's so many nights where everybody wins.

00:37:33.000 You do great.

00:37:34.000 But in the sports, as you know, I'm always thinking, I could, I could, I can't, the pressure, and I'm not even into sports. 0.98

00:37:39.000 I don't give a shit about sports. 0.97

00:37:40.000 But when I watch a game, I get a stomachache for the other team. 0.99

00:37:43.000 I'm like, ah, I can't take it!

00:37:45.000 You know what?

00:37:45.000 Some of comedy is a sport.

00:37:47.000 You know why?

00:37:48.000 It's because, like, you're attacking things that aren't there.

00:37:50.000 Right? 0.99

00:37:51.000 Like you're going after stupid laws and dumb shit that happened, and like you're literally, by using your words and the way you're describing things, literally having a little battle with something that's not even there. 1.00

00:38:04.000 I call them verbal, I hope I say it right, verbal shit. 1.00

00:38:07.000 What's it when they're in prison? 0.99

00:38:08.000 What do they do?

00:38:09.000 Shivs, right? 1.00

00:38:10.000 Isn't it shivs? 0.99

00:38:11.000 We're so white.

00:38:12.000 Shank!

00:38:13.000 Shank!

00:38:14.000 It's a shank! 0.92

00:38:14.000 But don't you shiv them? 0.92

00:38:16.000 You shiv them with your shank? 0.97

00:38:18.000 We'll be back. 0.99

00:38:23.000 Sometimes when a comedian has just a turn of phrase that would fucking... 0.96

00:38:28.000 I always go, oh, he shiv'd him with his words. 0.98

00:38:30.000 A verbal shiv.

00:38:31.000 I think that was correct.

00:38:32.000 I think it's correct.

00:38:33.000 It's fun to watch.

00:38:35.000 Yeah, it is.

00:38:36.000 When somebody knows how to do it good.

00:38:37.000 Yeah, it's...

00:38:38.000 That's what roast battle was all about.

00:38:39.000 Roast battle is essentially a sport. 0.99

00:38:41.000 They would fucking mock each other, mock each other's lives in jokes and be really mean. 0.98

00:38:48.000 You know, and some of it was like, oh Jesus, they would talk about their looks like, oh my God, some of them, it's painful. 0.99

00:38:55.000 I went and enjoyed it.

00:38:56.000 I saw it up, because it's almost a parody of a roast battle.

00:38:59.000 I saw it at the Comedy Store in the Little Room, and it was crazy.

00:39:02.000 But when I'm watching, I'm like, I'm too sensitive.

00:39:06.000 It would crush me. 0.98

00:39:07.000 It would just fucking crush me. 0.99

00:39:09.000 I don't want to know the jokes that they would make. 0.99

00:39:11.000 Of course.

00:39:12.000 Some people don't care, but to watch other people, it was exhilarating.

00:39:18.000 It's a great joke writing exercise.

00:39:20.000 It is.

00:39:20.000 Unfortunately, some people are really good at that, but when it comes to their act, they don't explore as much...

00:39:28.000 So think about, like, if you're writing about someone.

00:39:31.000 Like, there's some people, my point is that there's some people that I've seen that are really good at that roast battle.

00:39:36.000 I see a lot of people do it.

00:39:37.000 But then you see their set, their actual stand-up set, and like, mm, it's missing a spark, right?

00:39:42.000 There was a spark that you had when you were in combat with this other person, because you knew they were going to be firing at you, so you were firing at them, and it was all in fun, but it was also a chance to flex your comedic writing skills.

00:39:53.000 Well, then when you're on stage and it's just you, then where's the juice?

00:39:59.000 Right, right, right.

00:40:00.000 Are you upset?

00:40:00.000 Are you excited?

00:40:03.000 Are you just pretending it's not a big deal that you're on stage with a microphone in front of you?

00:40:08.000 Because that's a real problem, too.

00:40:10.000 Are you pretending it's not weird that your voice is amplified?

00:40:13.000 Everything you're saying should motivate someone.

00:40:16.000 It's just a great way to say it.

00:40:18.000 Why are you pretending?

00:40:20.000 It's not...

00:40:21.000 You don't have to jump up and down, but come on, what's going on here?

00:40:24.000 Where are you?

00:40:24.000 Why are you pretending you're not fully aware that people are standing in front of you hanging on your every word?

00:40:31.000 There was a comedian like that in, I won't even say the city, but they had a roast battle.

00:40:38.000 There were people from the history, like Napoleon.

00:40:42.000 And it was great.

00:40:44.000 That sounds awesome.

00:40:45.000 Because it was also...

00:40:46.000 That's why I said it was a writing sample, because, you know, if you were writing jokes, you could also make statements, political statements, and go back and...

00:40:54.000 No one gets hurt because you're making fun of Hitler.

00:40:56.000 Right.

00:40:56.000 But you still have to write great jokes.

00:40:58.000 And one guy that did it, he was amazing.

00:41:00.000 Like, what the...

00:41:01.000 And I just thought, oh, he should know that he should be writing.

00:41:05.000 Because his stand-up is exactly what you just said.

00:41:08.000 And it wasn't...

00:41:09.000 But I was like, I hope he knows.

00:41:11.000 Oh, that's your strong point.

00:41:13.000 The thing is, the stand-up, when you're doing something like that, you have a little bit more freedom.

00:41:18.000 It's more open-ended.

00:41:19.000 But in the stand-up, people are paying to see you, and you're supposed to be getting laughs.

00:41:25.000 And when you're not getting laughs, there's this feeling of disappointment in the audience. 0.69

00:41:29.000 And when you're doing new stuff, man, there's a distinct possibility there's going to be no fucking laughs in the spot where you wanted there to be laughs. 0.68

00:41:37.000 And you're like, yikes! 0.74

00:41:39.000 I thought that was a way funnier idea.

00:41:41.000 Or maybe I just fucked up the way I said it, or maybe I just have to stretch it out and figure out where the good spots are and then start hacking it up and editing it.

00:41:50.000 You know, but there's gonna be a real problem with bombing.

00:41:53.000 You're gonna have to be comfortable with saying a joke that's just not that good.

00:41:57.000 And some people just aren't. 0.97

00:41:58.000 So they get to that spot and they go, fuck that, let's do some tried and true. 0.99

00:42:02.000 Boom! 1.00

00:42:02.000 Let's hit them with some proven stuff. 1.00

00:42:04.000 Boom! 0.99

00:42:05.000 I know you got me nervous one night at the Comedy Store.

00:42:07.000 I did?

00:42:07.000 Yeah.

00:42:08.000 You were like, just everybody.

00:42:09.000 You were right.

00:42:10.000 You were like, okay, all new stuff.

00:42:12.000 Everybody knew.

00:42:13.000 Oh, that was just, yeah. 1.00

00:42:14.000 And then I was like, oh, shit. 1.00

00:42:15.000 Oh, because we were supposed to. 1.00

00:42:16.000 That was the show.

00:42:17.000 Or somewhere.

00:42:18.000 And I was like, I was up on stage. 1.00

00:42:20.000 I'm like, oh, shit. 0.99

00:42:20.000 Maybe he's never seen this one. 0.99

00:42:22.000 This is, well, that wasn't a stand-up on the spot show.

00:42:25.000 That was Nick Yusuf's show, right?

00:42:26.000 His new stuff show?

00:42:28.000 I think it was that.

00:42:29.000 I forget what it was, but... 0.99

00:42:30.000 That show, you're supposed to only work on new shit. 0.99

00:42:33.000 You're supposed to only work on... 1.00

00:42:33.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:42:34.000 We had, like, a weird rule.

00:42:35.000 When Yusuf and I came up with it, we were like, it can't be any older than six weeks old.

00:42:41.000 Any bit that you have to self-police, but any bit older than six weeks old, you gotta...

00:42:46.000 I don't remember exactly, because I wouldn't have fought that.

00:42:49.000 That's a good move, right?

00:42:50.000 Six weeks?

00:42:51.000 Six weeks is like, you got some time.

00:42:53.000 Yeah, six weeks, so you're saying it's fresh enough.

00:42:55.000 Yeah, it's new enough, but it's also like, you should have worked it out a little bit.

00:43:00.000 Oh yeah, that's more than fair.

00:43:02.000 More than fair, right?

00:43:02.000 That's more than fair.

00:43:04.000 Might even be four weeks.

00:43:05.000 Four weeks might be the real...

00:43:07.000 You should pull it back a little, if you ask me.

00:43:08.000 Pull it back a little.

00:43:09.000 Three?

00:43:10.000 Three weeks?

00:43:10.000 Maybe.

00:43:11.000 Wow, three was dangerous.

00:43:12.000 I mean, that means you've said it five, six times.

00:43:15.000 What more do you want?

00:43:16.000 Sometimes there's a bit that works real good and then doesn't.

00:43:19.000 You ever see those bits?

00:43:20.000 They just die?

00:43:21.000 You're like, this one's going to be a quarterback.

00:43:23.000 Sometimes I never know either.

00:43:25.000 If I videotape myself, maybe I'd learn.

00:43:27.000 Do you record yourself audio?

00:43:29.000 I don't, and I'm so embarrassed because I know how good it is to do it.

00:43:32.000 I did it five or six times in my whole career.

00:43:37.000 And it did so much good that you would think, because I'm lazy.

00:43:41.000 You know what you were just saying about you go to a joke and it's just dead?

00:43:45.000 I started doing this thing and it really helps me get out of those moments, so I'll hit the punchline, nothing.

00:43:51.000 So whatever.

00:43:53.000 Well, I'll make up a punchline.

00:43:55.000 It was blue.

00:43:56.000 But you know what?

00:43:57.000 Then I realized instantly.

00:43:58.000 See, here's what I just did.

00:43:59.000 Sometimes in comedy, ladies and gentlemen, you get to an end of a joke, and it's not the crowd's fault because you're great, but it just doesn't land, and it's uncomfortable for them.

00:44:06.000 They feel bad for you.

00:44:07.000 So what I did when I hit that period about 30 seconds ago, I'd just been talking nonstop ever since, and now we're here, and everybody's happy.

00:44:18.000 That's perfect.

00:44:19.000 That's a perfect dismount.

00:44:20.000 They do it for like 15 seconds, and then they figure out.

00:44:22.000 I always say, are they going to figure out?

00:44:23.000 I go, so about 15 seconds ago, I hit a punch, and it wasn't your fault.

00:44:26.000 And now I'm here.

00:44:28.000 Everybody's great.

00:44:32.000 And then the whole, like a whole new premise.

00:44:35.000 Whole new premise launches.

00:44:37.000 That's like, Jesus Christ.

00:44:39.000 It's like building a house.

00:44:41.000 You're planting a seed.

00:44:42.000 Then you're watering the ground.

00:44:44.000 And then the tree comes out.

00:44:46.000 You gotta wait for it to grow.

00:44:47.000 Then cut it.

00:44:48.000 Oh, you're talking about a whole, not a start.

00:44:50.000 A whole new premise.

00:44:52.000 Like weird out there premises.

00:44:54.000 Or premises you've never discussed before.

00:44:56.000 Things you never thought of before.

00:44:58.000 You go into a whole new...

00:44:59.000 Way of thinking about stuff.

00:45:00.000 It's so much fun, isn't it? 1.00

00:45:02.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

00:45:03.000 It's awesome. 1.00

00:45:03.000 It really is. 1.00

00:45:04.000 I still get like...

00:45:05.000 It really is.

00:45:06.000 And with the recorder, like on the phone, that's changed.

00:45:11.000 Because I don't like writing stuff down.

00:45:13.000 I could say that's changed my life.

00:45:14.000 Do you do the speech-to-text?

00:45:18.000 Yes.

00:45:18.000 Where you just talk into it and it writes your notes for you?

00:45:20.000 That's amazing.

00:45:21.000 I can just put jokes on there, but if I, you know, the recorder...

00:45:25.000 Oh, that recorder, man, that just cleaned my head up.

00:45:28.000 Yeah, the recorder's giant.

00:45:29.000 It's a big deal.

00:45:30.000 Yeah, man.

00:45:31.000 Anything where you can catch those slippery thoughts.

00:45:34.000 Like, I think Neil Brennan said it best.

00:45:36.000 I think he called his notebook, he's like, this is like a net where I catch ideas.

00:45:41.000 And I was like, ooh...

00:45:42.000 That is a great way of looking at it.

00:45:44.000 That is a great way of looking at it.

00:45:45.000 Because some ideas just go away.

00:45:48.000 Like, they're so profound.

00:45:50.000 They're so profound. 0.99

00:45:51.000 But then a couple hours later, like, what the fuck was I thinking? 0.76

00:45:54.000 That always used to get me, where I'd have this amazing idea, what I thought was an amazing idea. 0.96

00:45:59.000 And then I'd go, ah, that's such a good idea, I'll remember it in the morning.

00:46:03.000 And I go to sleep. 1.00

00:46:04.000 No, I still pull that shit. 1.00

00:46:05.000 I've never remembered it! 1.00

00:46:07.000 Never!

00:46:07.000 I still pull that.

00:46:09.000 I go, what are you doing?

00:46:10.000 If my phone, if I didn't have my charger now, I finally got a cord and it's next to the bed, so I always have a cord to plug in my phone.

00:46:16.000 But never.

00:46:17.000 Why do I? And not half the time.

00:46:20.000 Never.

00:46:20.000 And I still have the nerve.

00:46:21.000 I go, no, because that's a good idea.

00:46:23.000 Never.

00:46:24.000 Hedberg had a joke about that.

00:46:26.000 Too lazy.

00:46:26.000 Yeah, about being too lazy to get up to get a pen to write something down.

00:46:30.000 So I just convinced myself it wasn't that funny in the first place.

00:46:34.000 I agree.

00:46:34.000 But what's great is that that was a bit he did on stage, and it would kill.

00:46:38.000 I mean, I didn't do it well.

00:46:40.000 I don't remember the way the phrasing.

00:46:42.000 You know the used to?

00:46:45.000 I used to do drugs.

00:46:47.000 I still do, but I used to, too.

00:46:49.000 So, last night we were saying, I used to do Mitch Hedberg's I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too.

00:46:59.000 I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

00:47:01.000 Okay, I know, let me back up for a second.

00:47:03.000 So I do Mitch doing Rodney Dangerfield.

00:47:06.000 You know, I'd do Rodney if he did Mitch.

00:47:08.000 I'll be like, I'll tell you the other day, guys, I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too, you know?

00:47:12.000 That's actually pretty good.

00:47:14.000 So you do any Mitch Hedberg joke as Rodney, and it's, you know...

00:47:16.000 And it's kills.

00:47:17.000 I'll tell you the other day, I guess if I wanted a banana, you know?

00:47:20.000 I said, no, I want a regular one later, so all right, you know?

00:47:22.000 All right, you know what you're going to do, right?

00:47:24.000 So, I do the used to...

00:47:26.000 I hope this goes somewhere.

00:47:28.000 So, I used to do drugs.

00:47:33.000 So, my friend asked me if I still do that.

00:47:35.000 I go, I used to do the Mitch Hedberg.

00:47:38.000 I still do drugs, but I used to, too.

00:47:40.000 I still do, but I used to, too.

00:47:43.000 There's something in there.

00:47:44.000 It's amazing that you kept it all together for that.

00:47:46.000 I did for that one.

00:47:47.000 There was someone who used to, who used to, too.

00:47:48.000 But it makes sense.

00:47:49.000 It makes sense.

00:47:50.000 But you nailed it.

00:47:51.000 You dismounted.

00:47:51.000 I shouldn't try.

00:47:52.000 Feet flat on the ground.

00:47:53.000 It's a solid dismount.

00:47:55.000 There's no stumble.

00:47:56.000 No, it was good.

00:47:57.000 It was very good.

00:47:58.000 Thank you.

00:47:58.000 It was very good.

00:47:59.000 Thank you.

00:47:59.000 Mitch, he's like, to me, one of the more amazing comedians ever because what he would do was complete non sequiturs.

00:48:07.000 He would go from one non sequitur to another non sequitur. 0.96

00:48:10.000 Nothing connected together other than here's some other shit I thought up. 0.99

00:48:15.000 Here's some other shit I wrote down. 0.95

00:48:16.000 And even though not through, probably a good idea for everyone to know that does one-liners, that there still has to be an essence of you in them. 0.96

00:48:24.000 Like, even though his jokes didn't segue together, like, they seem, you're still, you knew who he was by his jokes, obviously.

00:48:30.000 Like, the, oh, he had a, you know, he definitely had.

00:48:33.000 They're not just individual jokes just glued all together. 0.98

00:48:35.000 No, they were all so silly, too. 0.98

00:48:38.000 Right, exactly. 0.98

00:48:39.000 Like, that's the thing about, I've always said, like, the best way to describe him, he's like one of my favorite silly comedians. 0.89

00:48:45.000 I know, it's funny, a lot of people, you don't hear, always complimentary, of course, about Mitch, but silly. 0.97

00:48:49.000 And that's what I realized later, after he died, like, how silly. 1.00

00:48:53.000 He was silly. 1.00

00:48:54.000 He was so silly. 1.00

00:48:55.000 That was who he was, very silly, so that's what you know about him. 0.98

00:48:58.000 He was the type of comedian, he would get into his rhythm, like, I would listen to him a lot of times on the way to the airport, because I was, you know, that traffic on the way to the airport's annoying. 0.91

00:49:08.000 He just wanted to just chill out and giggle.

00:49:10.000 So I'd put on some Mitch Hedberg. 0.99

00:49:12.000 And just be fucking giggling. 0.95

00:49:14.000 And when you're just smiling, when you're not, when he's, you know, in between punchlines, you just have a big smile on your face. 0.98

00:49:20.000 Because he would put on this silly vibe, and you would get caught up in it because it was really fun.

00:49:26.000 And then he had such great writing, too.

00:49:28.000 And playful.

00:49:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:31.000 Now he's dead.

00:49:32.000 And Rodney...

00:49:34.000 I think, and Rodney had a lot of that too.

00:49:37.000 You know, Rodney's a seriously, seriously underrated comedian.

00:49:41.000 And his style, there was a great article about it recently.

00:49:44.000 Didn't we talk about this on the podcast?

00:49:46.000 There was an article that was written recently about Rodney.

00:49:50.000 I forget who wrote it, like Esquire or one of those things.

00:49:53.000 But they were talking about how long it took him to become a good comedian.

00:49:59.000 That it wasn't until he was like in his 50s that he figured it out.

00:50:03.000 It's like talking about him boiling down his act and talking about cutting all the fat out of his act.

00:50:09.000 If you go back and listen to his early performances, you can see it's more meandering.

00:50:13.000 It was more stand-up-y.

00:50:15.000 I realized that a few years ago when you listen to the old ones and he would, in other words, a joke could be, it was still Rodney, but it would be like, this is more of a joke a comedian would tell, not really one line.

00:50:26.000 You know you're getting old when your family talks in front of you.

00:50:31.000 Hey, put Pops in the garage. 0.99

00:50:32.000 We got people coming over.

00:50:34.000 Pops just sits there and drools.

00:50:36.000 But that was more like a piece.

00:50:38.000 And I forgot about that, Rodney.

00:50:41.000 And then there's a lot of...

00:50:42.000 There's short little stories, but they're not...

00:50:44.000 And then all of a sudden...

00:50:46.000 I... Saw him, remember Bob Nelson?

00:50:52.000 Yes.

00:50:52.000 Bob Nelson opened for him, and then I got to meet Rodney backstage through Bob.

00:50:56.000 And you know what is when you think you know something?

00:50:58.000 It applies with everything.

00:51:00.000 Sexism, you think you know what it is, but you really don't.

00:51:02.000 There's still a lot more to learn.

00:51:03.000 Of course I knew what timing was before I saw Rodney.

00:51:05.000 I could tell you I was a comedian for ten years at that point, but I know what timing is. 0.99

00:51:11.000 But then when you saw Rodney, I went, oh fuck, that's timing. 0.97

00:51:15.000 It was so, like, I knew what it was, but I just got a doctorate in what it was. 0.98

00:51:19.000 I just saw it delivered, like, the best of the best of the best, and I go, now?

00:51:24.000 I mean, it was just crazy with every turn and every...

00:51:29.000 And then just when you think, how can he take you anywhere?

00:51:31.000 And then the band kicks in, and then he starts, like, you know, doing betting music.

00:51:36.000 And then the band bumped, they got bigger and bigger.

00:51:40.000 Then he started singing this song, because everybody sang them, but Rodney did it... 0.99

00:51:44.000 In his own way, he starts going, you know, something about to dream, whatever the song is, and then he does about 10 seconds of it, and then he goes, what the fuck am I singing for? 1.00

00:51:55.000 I'm watching him, I'm going, oh my god, to you they're just a band, but he goes, I know to this band, to you they're just a band, but to me they're a bunch of fucking idiots. 0.99

00:52:06.000 And then the band has, they're taught, because they're all, you know, musicians from that city. 0.99

00:52:11.000 Obviously they're taught, you know.

00:52:13.000 So he goes, no, they'll tell you what they are.

00:52:16.000 They're not. 1.00

00:52:16.000 And then they all stand up and they go, we're fucking idiots! 1.00

00:52:22.000 I got to see Rodney when I was 19, when I was working as a security guard at Great Woods. 1.00

00:52:29.000 Great Woods is a concert place in Mansfield, Massachusetts, and Rodney was there in the bathrobe era.

00:52:35.000 Did you see bathrobe, Rodney?

00:52:38.000 Oh, he went out on stage in a bathrobe?

00:52:40.000 Naked.

00:52:41.000 With a bathrobe on.

00:52:42.000 I thought the improv he would show up, but you're saying he was doing this...

00:52:46.000 In arenas.

00:52:48.000 This place is big.

00:52:50.000 Great Woods is like 12,000 people.

00:52:53.000 Isn't that great in a way though? 1.00

00:52:54.000 He was a fucking maniac. 1.00

00:52:55.000 He was a fucking maniac. 1.00

00:52:57.000 He was amazing. 1.00

00:52:58.000 He was so free. 1.00

00:52:59.000 He was hanging backstage and apparently his cock is enormous. 1.00

00:53:03.000 His cock and balls were just hanging out. 1.00

00:53:06.000 He didn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:53:07.000 He's just got this bathrobe on and he's got his legs crossed and his fucking sack is hanging down. 1.00

00:53:13.000 And the security guards would be like, what the fuck, dude? 1.00

00:53:16.000 I didn't see that. 0.99

00:53:17.000 I only saw him, it's like a Bigfoot sighting.

00:53:20.000 And I met him later in life, but to me, like, in 19, I hadn't even thought about doing stand-up yet, but I was such a huge fan of it.

00:53:26.000 He walked from, you know, like, you're looking down the hallway to where his dressing room is, and he walked from one room to another.

00:53:32.000 It was like, what, Bigfoot sighting.

00:53:33.000 Like, I only saw him for a second.

00:53:35.000 But I saw Rodney.

00:53:36.000 It's like that.

00:53:37.000 You know, I said seeing Rodney was like...

00:53:40.000 It's not like seeing...

00:53:41.000 Like if you saw Paul McCartney.

00:53:44.000 Yeah, you'd freak out.

00:53:46.000 But seeing Rodney was like getting to see if you saw Fred Flintstone.

00:53:50.000 You can't see Fred Flintstone.

00:53:52.000 He's a cartoon.

00:53:53.000 Rodney is so larger than life that it was overwhelming.

00:53:58.000 You weren't just taking in someone that was a celebrity and you'd see it on TV. There he is!

00:54:02.000 And there he is! 1.00

00:54:03.000 There he is, like, three feet from you, and you'd be like, fuck, that's Rodney! 1.00

00:54:08.000 What is that between his legs? 1.00

00:54:09.000 No, shut up! 1.00

00:54:10.000 He's just balls. 1.00

00:54:11.000 He's getting covered by something. 0.99

00:54:13.000 Is that real?

00:54:13.000 Yeah.

00:54:14.000 Oh, that's his balls. 1.00

00:54:15.000 That's his sack, or his dick, or both. 1.00

00:54:17.000 He's an animal. 1.00

00:54:19.000 Bob Nelson would have great stories about, like, and they were so specific, and you knew Rodney said them, and it was just so...

00:54:24.000 A couple came up to him after their wedding, and they go, do you know this one?

00:54:30.000 No.

00:54:30.000 And they go, he was trying to gamble, you know, Rodney, we just got married, what do you think?

00:54:36.000 And he goes, you both could have done better.

00:54:39.000 LAUGHTER What do you think?

00:54:44.000 You both could have done better, huh?

00:54:46.000 That's a well-disguised insult.

00:54:48.000 I'm telling you.

00:54:48.000 That's a beautiful joke.

00:54:49.000 Those people won't know that it was an insult until they get in their car.

00:54:52.000 Wait a second. 0.99

00:54:53.000 That means he says we're both ugly. 0.98

00:54:56.000 It's canceling out. 0.98

00:54:57.000 That's playing ping pong in their head.

00:55:00.000 You're both good.

00:55:01.000 Who's that an insult to?

00:55:02.000 That wife goes, it's an insult to you. 1.00

00:55:05.000 I think it's both of us, you moron. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Yeah, that's when you find out who the boss in the relationship is. 1.00

00:55:11.000 Joke like that.

00:55:12.000 Why?

00:55:12.000 Who has to take?

00:55:13.000 It's me.

00:55:14.000 Who's taking the hit?

00:55:15.000 Yeah.

00:55:15.000 Who feels bad about this one?

00:55:18.000 Maybe you both be honest and just admit you're both maybe not that great.

00:55:22.000 That's a weird thing when someone feels like they're too good looking for the other person in the relationship.

00:55:27.000 And could they be wrong?

00:55:28.000 Yeah.

00:55:29.000 They could be wrong.

00:55:30.000 I mean, there are people that like different things, you know?

00:55:35.000 People like different looks.

00:55:37.000 Some guys like big girls, you know?

00:55:39.000 Who knows? 1.00

00:55:40.000 People like different shit. 1.00

00:55:42.000 But if you think they don't like you as much as you like them... 1.00

00:55:47.000 Can I tell you what you do to prevent that?

00:55:49.000 What do you do?

00:55:51.000 I hope I'm answering.

00:55:52.000 I hope I'm...

00:55:53.000 Is that...

00:55:55.000 Because you know when people tell stories, they'll be like, and everything was great.

00:55:59.000 I think this is addressing what you're saying.

00:56:01.000 Everything was great, and then it's just he or she or she or she, whatever the relationship is.

00:56:05.000 Somebody else goes, and they wanted to end it.

00:56:06.000 Everything was great.

00:56:08.000 Look, because what do you want them to do?

00:56:10.000 Wait, I'm not saying there's not rules and feelings and how you present it, but I think most of the time everything is great and then you realize one day you wake up and I've had it to me I must have been on the other end of this and they just don't want to be in it but they stay in it because that doesn't mean they don't not care about you so they stay in it and it gets bad you see it coming but so I always say I always let someone know,

00:56:34.000 let them know you're not crazy.

00:56:37.000 They learn that by what you tell about past stories.

00:56:40.000 And I once said this to someone, it was very early on, but I said, I have a feeling.

00:56:45.000 I practiced it in my head, and I was glad I did it, and I was like 23 or 24 at the time.

00:56:50.000 I said, I have a feeling that I like you more than you like me.

00:56:55.000 And I said, it's okay.

00:56:59.000 I go, let me say this, because I don't want this to be the day where I threw you off.

00:57:02.000 If I'm wrong, I really like you.

00:57:04.000 So if I just read it wrong, that's great.

00:57:06.000 But, but, but, I don't think that's it.

00:57:08.000 I go, I won't, of course I'll be sad, but I won't hate you.

00:57:11.000 I won't be, I'll be okay.

00:57:15.000 And then he was like, you're right.

00:57:20.000 Because I said it in a way that he would be comfortable to say, you know what?

00:57:24.000 I put a little bit of choke, a little bit of like, but I was okay.

00:57:29.000 And I want to know that.

00:57:30.000 So that's my answer to your question.

00:57:32.000 You don't want to be delusional.

00:57:32.000 I don't want to be delusional.

00:57:33.000 I felt it, and I asked, and I asked.

00:57:36.000 The fact that I put that preface in there, look, I need to let you know this, not to make you feel bad, but I do like you.

00:57:42.000 Because I don't want to find out 10 years later, I thought you were giving me walking papers.

00:57:44.000 So I had to be clear with my feelings, but mainly let that person know, And that way, I didn't end up in a relationship for another year where I knew the other person.

00:57:53.000 How could that go bad, what I did?

00:57:55.000 There's no way that could go bad.

00:57:56.000 No, especially if you're hanging out with adults, right?

00:57:59.000 You know, when I was a kid, I think one of the things that took me a long time to get past was it was always thought that if you talked about your feelings and your emotions, that that was weak.

00:58:10.000 That was a weakness.

00:58:11.000 It's not something you did with your friends, and it's not something you wanted to do with a girl. 0.98

00:58:15.000 You didn't want to talk about your emotions.

00:58:18.000 You didn't want to talk about how you actually felt about things.

00:58:21.000 You wanted to play it stoic.

00:58:23.000 You wanted a Charles Bronson your way through life.

00:58:26.000 That's what a lot of guys tried to do.

00:58:28.000 One of the big problems with people Because you don't really know who you like until you're around them for a while.

00:58:39.000 You really don't.

00:58:40.000 And then sometimes you're like, ooh, I'm not into this person.

00:58:44.000 I'm so bored.

00:58:46.000 I can't have any more of these conversations.

00:58:48.000 I can't do this.

00:58:49.000 I can't do it.

00:58:50.000 I'm panicking.

00:58:50.000 I've got to get out.

00:58:52.000 But everything was perfect.

00:58:53.000 Everything was going amazing.

00:58:55.000 No, no, no.

00:58:55.000 No, you thought everything was going amazing.

00:58:57.000 It doesn't mean everything was going amazing.

00:58:59.000 I mean, you didn't even check in.

00:59:00.000 Right.

00:59:02.000 Or the other way. 1.00

00:59:04.000 Women can be bored as fuck with dudes. 1.00

00:59:06.000 It's the same thing. 1.00

00:59:07.000 Of course, it's the same thing.

00:59:08.000 That's why I always say that.

00:59:09.000 I'm comfortable having... 0.98

00:59:10.000 The only reason I get nervous having relationship discussions when somebody's going too heavy on women are crazy. 0.99

00:59:18.000 I'm like, if that was any truth to that, you look at same-sex couples. 0.99

00:59:22.000 If it was true, hey, there's a lot of women that think men are crazy. 0.99

00:59:24.000 Yes.

00:59:25.000 If that was true, if there's any truth to that, it's people.

00:59:27.000 There's people that are evolved, and there's people that are, you know, have a deep level head on their shoulders, because if there was any truth that one sex was crazier, there's a science to disproving that.

00:59:37.000 Then in lesbian relationships, you'd go, hey, how's your relationship? 1.00

00:59:41.000 And they'd go, well, of course we argue a teeny bit here and there, but no, no, we're both women, so we're getting along great.

00:59:45.000 No.

00:59:46.000 Well, we got rid of the problem.

00:59:47.000 And in male-male relationships, It's the same problems.

00:59:51.000 It's not like you go, oh, yeah, we don't have the crazy women, so when it's two guys dating, everything's great!

00:59:55.000 No!

00:59:55.000 Same exact problem.

00:59:56.000 So it's not the sex, it's people.

00:59:58.000 Does that make sense?

00:59:59.000 You're 100% correct.

01:00:01.000 You could not be more correct.

01:00:03.000 And there's a real problem. 1.00

01:00:05.000 We gotta really avoid this shit. 1.00

01:00:07.000 There's people that'll say things like, you know, women are all dumb bitches, or men are all shit, and that's nonsense. 1.00

01:00:15.000 These gender-based generalizations are so stupid. 1.00

01:00:18.000 There's nice people that are women, there's nice people that are men, it's just, there's plenty of them. 1.00

01:00:24.000 You can't have a few bad relationships and turn on other people.

01:00:28.000 Every person has the same gender.

01:00:30.000 And also, like, Take a good look at yourself.

01:00:34.000 There's some people out there that do generalize like that. 1.00

01:00:37.000 Look at your shit thinking that you're just diarrhea spraying out into the world. 1.00

01:00:44.000 That's really what it is. 1.00

01:00:45.000 Whether you're a sexist against women or a sexist against men. 0.97

01:00:49.000 Such a piss-poor way of looking at things. 0.97

01:00:51.000 Everybody knows you're wrong. 0.95

01:00:53.000 Everybody knows you're wrong.

01:00:54.000 You think that, I mean, whatever it is, any generalization, whether it's a racist generalization, sexist, homophobic, it's all the same.

01:01:02.000 Everybody who's listening knows what it is.

01:01:05.000 You know what it is when someone makes a generalization.

01:01:07.000 Like, no, you're not looking at it right.

01:01:09.000 You don't know nice people that are black. 1.00

01:01:12.000 You don't know any nice people that are black. 1.00

01:01:14.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:01:15.000 Like, who the fuck are you? 1.00

01:01:17.000 Like, how can you make this judgment when I've met so many? 1.00

01:01:20.000 Like, you're not meeting enough people, or they meet you and they go, oh, this guy's a fucking asshole, so they avoid you, so everybody's got this thing that they're spreading about you. 0.99

01:01:30.000 Yeah, that's why younger people tend to, you know, just by being around. 0.98

01:01:34.000 I wish there was a place you could go if you couldn't afford college, because I don't think it's the education at college that you probably learn the most from.

01:01:40.000 It's the being forced to be around other people.

01:01:42.000 You go, oh, I'd rather hang out with that group that I hated because we have the same taste in music.

01:01:47.000 And you learn it because you're forced to live together.

01:01:49.000 Right.

01:01:49.000 But wouldn't it be cool if there was like, where can you go if you're like, well, I don't afford college, but I want to put my kids around all, well...

01:01:55.000 Some parents wouldn't want to do it, but kids could do it.

01:01:57.000 I just want to be around every type of person.

01:01:59.000 But you don't know to do that.

01:02:00.000 College, that's the thing about college.

01:02:02.000 And I didn't go to college.

01:02:03.000 I didn't even graduate high school.

01:02:04.000 But isn't that true that that's where a lot of growing does with young kids when they're forced to be around other people?

01:02:09.000 Some kids, they're living with really suppressive parents. 0.99

01:02:12.000 And the only way they even know who the fuck they are is if they could sleep in their own bed. 0.99

01:02:16.000 Open their own door with their own key, go into their own room, lie down, and then just be alone. 1.00

01:02:20.000 Be away from these other fucking people that are constantly giving you these rules that you have to follow and have these lofty expectations for your success. 0.99

01:02:30.000 And like, fucking Christ, you don't even know what you want to do. 0.99

01:02:33.000 And they want you to do something that's going to pay a lot of money. 1.00

01:02:35.000 We're spending a lot of money sending you to school, Todd.

01:02:38.000 We want to make sure that you're productive.

01:02:41.000 Productive, Todd.

01:02:42.000 No drinking.

01:02:43.000 No gallivanting.

01:02:44.000 Just in there.

01:02:45.000 Work, work, work.

01:02:46.000 And meanwhile, you just finally get a chance to listen to some music that you never heard before and hang out with some people from some part of the country you've never been.

01:02:55.000 Maybe you smoke weed with them.

01:02:57.000 You hang out, you know, you're 18, 19 years old and you're just figuring out the world together.

01:03:02.000 You figure out a lot of stuff. 1.00

01:03:02.000 Yeah, and you're free of the fucking parents. 1.00

01:03:04.000 That's a big part of it, man. 1.00

01:03:06.000 Free of the parents. 1.00

01:03:08.000 And every generation, every generation is more aware of how fucking stupid the previous generation was. 1.00

01:03:14.000 Like, there was some grandpappy days back on the fucking farm when they would, you know, they would talk about their grandparents and their grandparents were wiser than them, you know? 1.00

01:03:22.000 That's not the case anymore. 0.96

01:03:24.000 The people today are more informed than any human beings that have ever lived ever.

01:03:29.000 By the way, you might have just said the only thing that I agree with when it comes to...

01:03:34.000 Because I always say, look, of course there's things we should go back and get, but mostly tomorrow is the better day.

01:03:38.000 But I go, when there's something in the past that, oh, that's struggle, oh, we should go back to that and learn that.

01:03:43.000 I'm not just saying...

01:03:44.000 But very rarely does someone get me.

01:03:46.000 Mostly I always go, no, and I look at it for another.

01:03:48.000 But that is something, but it explains everything that's going on right now.

01:03:53.000 The true kids, well I always say kids are getting smarter than their parents.

01:03:56.000 Way smarter.

01:03:57.000 And it makes me want to be like a progressive bully.

01:04:03.000 I try to say, I called, I said that about you once, Mark Maron, not that word, but I go, I need people that are like, I think I might have said a bully, but on the right side of history, so it was a compliment.

01:04:12.000 Thank you. 0.97

01:04:13.000 And what I meant is a big guy, it's like, yeah, fucking, but that's what I said. 1.00

01:04:17.000 A progressive bully. 1.00

01:04:18.000 But the problem is...

01:04:20.000 When I say it as a character, you still have clean thoughts and you've changed your views on things.

01:04:28.000 But when I say it, I want to be so mean. 0.96

01:04:30.000 I want to be so fucking mean the other way. 0.97

01:04:32.000 I know what you mean. 0.97

01:04:34.000 Dice Clay, but just anybody.

01:04:36.000 You don't want gay marriage? 1.00

01:04:37.000 Die already! 1.00

01:04:38.000 Go home and die! 1.00

01:04:39.000 Why can't people live? 1.00

01:04:41.000 Drop dead! 1.00

01:04:42.000 I hope you're a baby! 1.00

01:04:43.000 Just the most vicious things, but all about people that won't...

01:04:47.000 All about...

01:04:48.000 Yeah, no, there's definitely some merit in that. 1.00

01:04:52.000 Just people realize how fucking stupid it is because you're mocking it so relentlessly and everybody's cheering along. 0.99

01:04:57.000 And then someone who might be entertaining those thoughts is going to listen to it. 1.00

01:05:01.000 There's a guy on Sam Harris's podcast this week, Waking Up With Sam Harris.

01:05:05.000 His name is Christian Piccolini.

01:05:08.000 And he used to be a white male supremacist.

01:05:11.000 And he got recruited when he was like 14 years old and was in it for like, I think he said eight years or something like that. 0.94

01:05:17.000 And just was talking to Sam Harris about these horrific decisions that he had made in this group that he had got connected to and they were committing violent crimes against black people and like all this the crazy shit that he was talking about and then you listen to him now as this guy in his 40s is like super rational and very intelligent and well-read and And it's like saying, 0.94

01:05:39.000 look, I just got caught up in this ideology. 0.97

01:05:42.000 I went down this road, and other people were doing the thinking for me, and we were all doing it for each other.

01:05:47.000 It became this horrific groupthink that he got swept up in.

01:05:53.000 I think that's happening with progressive people, too.

01:05:56.000 I think there's a this this this need to be right and to shout down each other and and Ruthlessly mock each other like that has to be used like nuclear weapons like only in in the case of like severe issues Where like you've got a country another country is about to develop a nuclear weapon They're gonna go after you first Or they've already done it and you have to disarm their nukes. 0.50

01:06:20.000 We've got to be nicer to each other when it comes to talking about these ideas, because every time someone from the left attacks relentlessly and ruthlessly and viciously someone from the right because of their ideas, you just start a back and forth.

01:06:35.000 You're not looking at it in a way like there's got to be some way to communicate your ideas in a friendly way.

01:06:43.000 You know what I do now?

01:06:44.000 And believe me, I'm guilty of this.

01:06:46.000 Even from when I did my Netflix special to now, the way I do four jokes, I changed it because of that whole thing.

01:06:51.000 Look, Todd, do you want to take people with you?

01:06:53.000 Right, right. 0.98

01:06:54.000 Someone said, I don't want to be Tucker Carlson to the other side, so flippant and so fucking snarky. 0.96

01:07:01.000 So I go, okay, that's maybe what I am. 0.96

01:07:03.000 I don't see it when I agree with the person.

01:07:04.000 So if I see someone that's snarky but says everything, I agree.

01:07:07.000 But I go...

01:07:08.000 So I do want to sometimes bring people.

01:07:10.000 So change the way you say it.

01:07:11.000 Go in a little softer.

01:07:12.000 Remember, you're trying to bring somebody with you and bring them over.

01:07:15.000 But sometimes I want to split the difference, and I could be wrong, because sometimes I think when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, and I literally have to take a break on the podcast, you know, about something, maybe that gives, and it's about a transgender issue, something I'm not going through, but I'm able to scream it so someone that's going through it goes, 0.98

01:07:31.000 God damn it, Halsey's so close!

01:07:34.000 Or when I can yell about a women's issue, so, like, goddammit, scream at the top of my lungs, because they say scream about what you're not, because you can get angrier. 0.99

01:07:41.000 Maybe I give someone their dignity back.

01:07:43.000 Maybe sometimes screaming into the canyon is okay, but not to another person's face.

01:07:48.000 Right, right.

01:07:49.000 Into the canyon is a good way of looking at it.

01:07:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:07:51.000 But when it comes, but then you have to decide, because a podcast is always a canyon.

01:07:56.000 But it's also you have the ability, so if someone is going to attack you, maybe the only way they have the ability is to do it in a Twitter post or a blog post.

01:08:05.000 I mean, they're all people with their own opinions too, right?

01:08:08.000 Yeah.

01:08:09.000 Yeah.

01:08:13.000 That's why I'm very aware of that now. 1.00

01:08:17.000 There's just way too much stupid fighting. 0.99

01:08:21.000 There's debate over issues about real things. 1.00

01:08:24.000 Like right now, what's going on with this, what do they call it?

01:08:27.000 Walk for our lives?

01:08:29.000 March for our lives.

01:08:30.000 Oh, can I? Yeah, go ahead.

01:08:31.000 Just real quick, because I have a few times, and there's even one post I want to take down, because it's a woman that's heckling me, and it turned into a sexist, words flying back and forth, and I want to take it down. 1.00

01:08:43.000 If I could post, Why I'm taking it down.

01:08:46.000 Because I think when somebody's...

01:08:48.000 Even when your fans are defending you, I like when someone corrects their fans.

01:08:51.000 No, no.

01:08:52.000 Don't defend me with those words.

01:08:53.000 Right.

01:08:54.000 You know, don't...

01:08:55.000 So we were talking about before about when the verbiage is, you know...

01:08:57.000 So always try to go in.

01:08:59.000 I think you're responsible.

01:09:00.000 If they're flying things back and forth and you're on a Twitter...

01:09:03.000 If somebody's saying something, go in and say no.

01:09:05.000 You know, the word...

01:09:06.000 You don't have to start throwing around these words.

01:09:08.000 It has nothing even to do with the topic.

01:09:10.000 That's the way they express themselves.

01:09:11.000 Well, it's like the way people disagree about things can change.

01:09:14.000 The way they communicate their disagreement can change how it gets resolved.

01:09:18.000 But what always happens is if you go hard, they go hard back.

01:09:23.000 And I think we're dealing with that back and forth in this country.

01:09:26.000 And what I was going to say is about this march for our lives is that what I'm seeing that's very confusing to me is from people who are gun supporters, like the NRA supporters, who...

01:09:39.000 And some of them have even mocked these kids for getting attention by going to these marches and stuff like that.

01:09:46.000 And they're saying that nobody would have heard of you or nobody would know who you are. 0.92

01:09:50.000 This is a ridiculous way to look at it.

01:09:53.000 It's very defensive because they're feeling like someone's coming after their guns. 0.78

01:09:57.000 So they're going on the attack in some ways that's just really not recommended.

01:10:05.000 Like the way they're doing it.

01:10:05.000 It makes me numb.

01:10:07.000 They're mocking...

01:10:10.000 What the reason would be for these kids to be on TV that got shot at.

01:10:17.000 These kids that got shot at. 0.99

01:10:20.000 And they're fucking 16 years old? 1.00

01:10:23.000 And they're going to be on TV? And someone's mocking, no one would know who you were if it wasn't for this thing. 0.99

01:10:31.000 Like, yeah, of course. 1.00

01:10:32.000 But they went through that fucking thing. 0.99

01:10:34.000 They're the few kids that have gone through this thing in the country that are standing, On the public stage and saying look at us you got to do something you can't have the same shit happen over and over and over again and maybe they don't have the most complicated solution But they're right, 0.99

01:10:54.000 and they're forcing people to talk. 0.98

01:10:57.000 And if anybody should be forcing people to talk, it's the kids that were around their friends that got shot, who realized their fucking parents are working all day, and they come home tired, and no one's going to fix nothing. 0.98

01:11:11.000 No one has the time. 0.97

01:11:12.000 And the politicians are all in bed with the NRA and all these different organizations as if they're on the left, and everybody's beholden to their special interest groups. 0.99

01:11:20.000 So these kids are seeing all this shit, and they know nothing's going to happen. 0.99

01:11:24.000 Nothing's gonna happen! 1.00

01:11:25.000 More kids are gonna get shot!

01:11:26.000 More kids are gonna get shot! 0.53

01:11:27.000 And then what do the NRA people do? 0.91

01:11:29.000 They mock these kids.

01:11:30.000 That's crazy!

01:11:32.000 At what point doesn't someone pull you aside and go...

01:11:34.000 I picture...

01:11:35.000 I don't believe in violence, obviously, in relationships, but in the old movies when somebody would have to...

01:11:39.000 Stop! 1.00

01:11:41.000 Backhand, right?

01:11:42.000 Just stop! 0.89

01:11:43.000 Full disdain for any retaliation.

01:11:45.000 You're not even trying to hit someone with the best part.

01:11:48.000 You know, you hit someone with the back of your hand, the back of your hand is generally more sensitive.

01:11:52.000 It hurts.

01:11:54.000 If you hit someone with the back of your hand, you can hurt your hand.

01:11:57.000 I know a lot of guys who have broken their hands in a fight because they hit someone with a spinning back fist with the back of their hand.

01:12:03.000 It's not protected.

01:12:04.000 So that's just letting someone know, I'm so dismissive of you.

01:12:08.000 And by the way, since we were just saying how to be more peaceful, what I'm saying is when somebody, it doesn't even mean, I'm not saying don't have a conversation and don't disagree.

01:12:18.000 Of course I'm not.

01:12:19.000 Of course.

01:12:19.000 The person that wants to shake you and stop you is once you start making fun of these kids someone even that agrees with you that there shouldn't be any isn't there someone on that side they can go stop and I guess there are but when when they say you know you should learn see Rick Rick Rick what's his name Rick the guy who said if they the kids should instead of looking for someone else to solve their problems they should learn CPR Rick Santorum yeah That doesn't even

01:12:49.000 make sense if he actually said that.

01:12:51.000 That doesn't even make sense.

01:12:52.000 Doctors were tweeting it brilliantly like, you know, like that's...

01:12:55.000 So you're saying John Lennon would be alive if you'll go on a new CPR? Is that what you're saying, right?

01:13:01.000 Yeah, you just gotta use CPR to repair that blown out liver.

01:13:06.000 And they explain that to him.

01:13:07.000 But then, you know, you talk about combating kids.

01:13:10.000 I thought that was a great way.

01:13:11.000 Just some really clean tweets from doctors, breaking it down very cleanly.

01:13:15.000 This doesn't even make any sense.

01:13:16.000 Rick Santorum is a Republican.

01:13:18.000 Uh-huh.

01:13:18.000 So there you go.

01:13:19.000 If I could just stop, just one thing I really feel like is really important to this.

01:13:25.000 I think both the people on the right and the people on the left have way more in common than they have a part.

01:13:31.000 And I think that a lot of the battle that people on the left have is they've chosen to be on the left, the same people on the right.

01:13:38.000 They've chosen to be on the right, so anything that happens on the left, they completely disagree with.

01:13:43.000 They immediately go, oh, that's a left-wing liberal idea.

01:13:47.000 And they just have these little back-and-forths with each other that are completely unnecessary.

01:13:51.000 I think the majority of people just want everybody to get along, not have crime.

01:13:57.000 You think Bernie Sanders maybe could have done that?

01:13:59.000 Not could he have won, but what would have happened if he got- Maybe, but the problem with Bernie is the same reason why he let those Black Lives people take his mic and start screaming into the thing like, hey buddy, can't do that. 0.97

01:14:11.000 You're running for fucking president and you're showing right here that people could just storm the stage and take the microphone from you. 0.96

01:14:16.000 Like, you should say, I would love to have a dialogue with you. 1.00

01:14:20.000 Let's do it publicly.

01:14:22.000 Let's schedule it now.

01:14:23.000 We'll come back, we'll get a large group of people, and I'll speak with you on this stage, if you represent this very important political movement.

01:14:31.000 But here's what you can't do.

01:14:33.000 You can't disrespect this campaign speech, because you're literally stopping people from ever voting for me if I let you do it.

01:14:39.000 Because that's the fact.

01:14:40.000 People watched him do that and they go, you can't let kids just take over your show.

01:14:44.000 You can't.

01:14:46.000 You're the guy who's supposed to be running the country. 1.00

01:14:48.000 You can't even run this fucking thing. 1.00

01:14:50.000 You got this one thing. 1.00

01:14:51.000 You're standing on the stage in front of 300 people.

01:14:53.000 Three of them just took your mic. 0.97

01:14:55.000 Congratulations.

01:14:55.000 You don't have leadership ability.

01:14:57.000 It's right there.

01:14:58.000 What about other than that?

01:15:00.000 That's a big part.

01:15:01.000 That's big.

01:15:02.000 That's not good.

01:15:03.000 That's not good.

01:15:04.000 But you know what?

01:15:05.000 In the moment, he made an error.

01:15:07.000 It doesn't mean that's who he is.

01:15:09.000 Part of the problem is, people are judging you by these moments that you have, right?

01:15:14.000 And it doesn't define him.

01:15:15.000 He might have done that and go, well, you know, I was just trying to be nice.

01:15:18.000 I didn't expect that.

01:15:19.000 I thought security was going to get them out of there.

01:15:21.000 But they didn't.

01:15:22.000 You know, they didn't.

01:15:23.000 They wound up on the stage with him screaming.

01:15:25.000 I thought maybe he...

01:15:26.000 I've seen him when he did those type of things a few times.

01:15:29.000 You want to see the video?

01:15:30.000 You want to see it?

01:15:31.000 It's kind of interesting.

01:15:32.000 I thought it was his way of saying, look, I get it.

01:15:34.000 What it must feel like to not be able to be heard.

01:15:37.000 And it's not my fault that no one's ever listened to you so far.

01:15:39.000 But what do we have to do?

01:15:41.000 And then maybe he feels they go up and they just...

01:15:43.000 A sane person would lead.

01:15:45.000 It would lead a sane person when you ignore that long to just grab a mic.

01:15:48.000 And maybe he goes, I have to be a part of letting this person spill out a little.

01:15:52.000 Yeah, but the problem is then who doesn't spill out?

01:15:55.000 Everybody can spill out. 0.99

01:15:56.000 Everybody can jump up for their own cause, whether it's white power or fucking Jews' Lives Matter, whatever it is. 0.98

01:16:02.000 You can just decide that you have a group now, and your group may very well be valid, but you can just decide now you're just going to yell out whenever there's some sort of a political speech, and then it'll be your chance to talk. 0.98

01:16:13.000 You're just going to take the mic and make it all about you?

01:16:15.000 Yeah, there's got to be some civility.

01:16:17.000 There are a lot of things we need to be concerned with.

01:16:18.000 We need to be concerned with war. 0.99

01:16:20.000 We need to be concerned with poverty, education, health care, all these different things.

01:16:25.000 But you can't just represent each one of these very, very important groups and jump on stage everywhere and start yelling.

01:16:31.000 Do you know what I thought?

01:16:32.000 Does that make sense?

01:16:33.000 Yes.

01:16:35.000 I should be just done with this.

01:16:40.000 No, why?

01:16:41.000 It's because the subject is like, it gets so exhausting.

01:16:44.000 I know.

01:16:44.000 Let me add one more thing.

01:16:47.000 By the way, you know, you have these theories in your head and then sometimes somebody...

01:16:53.000 We'll respond and blow it out, you know, just on your own mark.

01:16:56.000 I never thought about that.

01:16:57.000 But I had this theory.

01:16:58.000 It was a weird way that I thought about it.

01:17:00.000 Well, two things.

01:17:01.000 One, kids do.

01:17:03.000 I'm stealing from the act a teeny bit, but just because it's a stat I use in the act.

01:17:08.000 Kids do, if there was a Yelp review, young adults have an amazing Yelp review.

01:17:12.000 For being on the right side.

01:17:13.000 Who they root for, who they, I think, music...

01:17:16.000 Well, you're dealing with some left-wing, democratic, out-here kids.

01:17:21.000 You ever talk to some kids from Alabama?

01:17:23.000 Well, I'm talking about the masses of kids that march.

01:17:27.000 Oh, the ones that march?

01:17:28.000 The ones that march, the ones that get involved.

01:17:30.000 If you go back and look at, like, you know, Kent State, or, you know...

01:17:33.000 Sorry, Alabama.

01:17:34.000 I'm sure we could pull up 50. So with that said, now I'm not saying we shouldn't doubt them, If I had a gun to my head and someone said, if we had a crystal ball, are they making the right choice about Bernie Sanders, these kids?

01:17:49.000 And I go, oh, let me ask you.

01:17:50.000 I've got to talk about that for a while.

01:17:51.000 I've got to watch a campaign.

01:17:52.000 I've got to watch a debate.

01:17:53.000 How's he going to handle public policy?

01:17:55.000 I can't just ask. 1.00

01:17:57.000 They go, we're going to shoot you in your head. 1.00

01:17:58.000 I go, kids, overwhelmingly kids like him. 0.99

01:18:01.000 Yeah, he's going to do the right thing!

01:18:03.000 And I think if there was a crystal ball, here's my theory.

01:18:05.000 But I've never said this, I think, out loud.

01:18:09.000 That maybe 50 years from now, just like we're learning about history, they would talk about him in the way that, you know, this guy came into office, picture kids, and they're telling him why, maybe...

01:18:20.000 2022 started to be these good times, and they're talking about history, and they, well, a guy came into office and he really didn't know anything about the, he didn't really know about, he was not, you know, he didn't know about war, he didn't know about, and no one thought he could really do it, but he was one thing that you wouldn't think would answer our economical problems.

01:18:36.000 You can be a nice-hearted person, but that's not going to answer your economical problems, but it ended up doing that.

01:18:42.000 Because he did truly treat everybody kind.

01:18:45.000 And it ended up that when people started to be treated fairly, the world worked better, with less depressed people.

01:18:52.000 I'm not saying everybody, but we torture people.

01:18:54.000 We had someone in power that was overwhelmingly kind, and people felt the wrath of that almost very quickly.

01:19:01.000 And then you know what?

01:19:03.000 No one ever thought this.

01:19:04.000 Then some of the economical problems worked themselves out.

01:19:09.000 Now that is based on no science.

01:19:13.000 No math.

01:19:14.000 Yeah, I'm acknowledging that, but that was in my head.

01:19:18.000 See, the economy is apparently a very complicated thing that can be interpreted many ways.

01:19:25.000 Like, there are many people right now that would tell you the economy has never been better, stock markets booming.

01:19:31.000 Black people are more employed today than ever in history.

01:19:36.000 And these are like the MAGA people, right?

01:19:38.000 They'll jump on that. 0.98

01:19:39.000 And other people will tell you, no, we're sitting on a bunch of huge bubbles, a commercial real estate bubble and credit bubble and all this different shit that could go down at any moment. 0.95

01:19:47.000 There's all sorts of problems. 0.91

01:19:49.000 We're getting automated cars soon.

01:19:51.000 It's going to put thousands of people out of jobs, if not millions. 0.98

01:19:54.000 You know, it's hard to figure out who the fuck's right. 0.98

01:19:56.000 It's hard. 0.98

01:19:58.000 When you talk about a dummy like you or myself and trying to prognosticate what would make people successful and what would make people not, I don't know about the economic part, but what I do know is as long as you have a person who's kind but also firm,

01:20:17.000 Like, a person who's kind, but you also, you're not worried about them if something happens with China or Russia.

01:20:24.000 Like, we live in a crazy world. 0.99

01:20:26.000 We live in a world where there's really basically three superpowers, but one motherfucker of a superpower. 0.99

01:20:32.000 And that's us. 0.95

01:20:34.000 But we're run by a guy who used to host Celebrity Apprentice.

01:20:38.000 Okay, like it's gotten super squirrely.

01:20:42.000 It's super squirrely.

01:20:44.000 And there's all these other people that are other superpowers that are going, hmm, what's going on over there? 0.96

01:20:49.000 That place don't look so fucking healthy. 0.99

01:20:52.000 That place looks a little fucked up right now. 0.99

01:20:54.000 And this is like they're expelling Russian diplomats and all this crazy shit's going down and Putin just won another election. 1.00

01:21:02.000 And we're watching this thing go down between the top three superpowers and one of them is run by a maniac. 0.98

01:21:08.000 Maybe two of them are, but one of them is run by a guy we know is a maniac, and we put him in there, and a lot of people are still going along with it, and they like it.

01:21:16.000 So I got a question for you.

01:21:18.000 Okay.

01:21:20.000 Not like snarky or anything, because I was trying to think, like, you know, like, there's more things you said we have in common than there's got to be some commonalities.

01:21:28.000 Yeah.

01:21:29.000 Freedom.

01:21:30.000 Freedom's number one. 0.97

01:21:31.000 What would be one that you could like, because I always think like anything I can defend Trump on, even if it's stupid, I go out of my way to defend it. 0.90

01:21:38.000 One time someone, it doesn't matter what it was, there were two times, and I did.

01:21:42.000 I went, no, he didn't do anything.

01:21:44.000 But what's something positive?

01:21:47.000 About Trump or a bill they want to pass or something they want to do that you think, I'm okay with that.

01:21:52.000 What are some of those things?

01:21:54.000 Are there any?

01:21:55.000 As far as bills, no.

01:21:57.000 Something you can be positive, meet in the middle.

01:21:59.000 I haven't seen anything that made me very excited.

01:22:02.000 I've seen more things that made me very nervous.

01:22:05.000 The offshore drilling, that makes me very nervous.

01:22:08.000 Obviously those things break sometimes.

01:22:11.000 We've had a few of them in our lifetimes.

01:22:13.000 The Alaska one, that was a big one.

01:22:15.000 I remember that it happened right when I was in high school.

01:22:18.000 Or no, right when I was starting to do stand-up.

01:22:21.000 That's what it was.

01:22:21.000 Literally right around then, the Valdez had crashed.

01:22:25.000 And leaked all that oil and just destroyed this delicate ecosystem with Fuck millions of gallons of oil or whatever it was. 0.99

01:22:32.000 How many thousands of gallons or whatever the fuck it was. 0.99

01:22:35.000 But they're going to have more offshore drilling. 0.98

01:22:38.000 That scares the shit out of me.

01:22:40.000 They're getting rid of certain public parks and shrinking them and opening up These areas for drilling and natural resources that make people very nervous that in doing this they could be damaging rivers and that these delicate ecosystems where people go and hike and camp through and they're going to close these down. 0.74

01:23:03.000 That's the real concern.

01:23:04.000 The real concern is that people are going to Somehow or another, we're going to suffer so that some companies can profit incredibly off of natural resources that are on public land. 0.97

01:23:17.000 That's a big fear, because that's some shit that is really unusual about this country, and some shit that Teddy Roosevelt saw way, way in advance. 0.89

01:23:25.000 He saw the benefit of doing this, of having these massive national parks. 0.99

01:23:29.000 I haven't hit a button.

01:23:30.000 Yeah, sure.

01:23:32.000 What about positive, I was asking?

01:23:36.000 That's negative.

01:23:37.000 But that's the number one negative.

01:23:38.000 All this social stuff, I mean, I feel like the most hilarious thing is that Kim Jong-un actually wants to talk to him.

01:23:47.000 It's like, this guy's so crazy, maybe I'll just talk to him.

01:23:50.000 I mean, like...

01:23:53.000 Nobody else wanted to have meetings with that guy, right?

01:23:55.000 He's wanted to talk to a president for the longest time.

01:23:58.000 They wouldn't talk to him.

01:24:00.000 Right, because they don't want to give him that photo opportunity at the very least.

01:24:03.000 That's hilarious.

01:24:04.000 They're worried about their Facebook page.

01:24:06.000 Would we witness that if they talked? 1.00

01:24:08.000 Fuck yeah, we would witness it. 1.00

01:24:10.000 And Trump would tower over him. 1.00

01:24:12.000 It would be so creepy.

01:24:13.000 Trump's a big guy.

01:24:14.000 And you see what happens when...

01:24:16.000 Have you ever seen pictures of him with...

01:24:21.000 Dennis Rodman.

01:24:23.000 Did you ever see pictures of Kim Jong-un?

01:24:25.000 I'm good, dude.

01:24:26.000 Kim Jong-un is a huge basketball fan, apparently, and loves Dennis Rodman.

01:24:30.000 So Dennis Rodman goes to North Korea, parties with him.

01:24:33.000 Oh, right, right, right.

01:24:33.000 Dennis Rodman, like, if Trump was smart, I know Trump hired Omarosa, Trump should definitely hire Dennis Rodman.

01:24:39.000 Fucking 100%. 0.99

01:24:41.000 Like, 100%. 0.99

01:24:42.000 Say, Dennis Rodman, please, would you be my emissary?

01:24:46.000 Look at that.

01:24:46.000 Look how big Dennis Rodman is.

01:24:48.000 That's a large fellow.

01:24:49.000 And he's not even big compared to a really big guy, right?

01:24:53.000 Like LeBron?

01:24:54.000 He's pretty big.

01:24:56.000 What's his name?

01:24:57.000 Kim Jong-un.

01:24:59.000 I still can't say it.

01:25:01.000 Get a picture of Kim Jong-un with Dennis Rodman.

01:25:04.000 What if he wore like, you think it'd be bad if he wore like foot-high platforms?

01:25:07.000 Yeah, they are together.

01:25:08.000 But he denied it?

01:25:09.000 Yeah, he probably would.

01:25:10.000 And he had long pants trying to cover them?

01:25:12.000 Well, he's Korean.

01:25:13.000 Well, he's North Korean.

01:25:15.000 There's some Korean folks that are pretty big.

01:25:18.000 I remember when I was a kid, the kid who won the heavyweight national title was named Jimmy Kim.

01:25:25.000 He was a big Korean kid.

01:25:28.000 Big heavyweight kid.

01:25:29.000 He was really good.

01:25:31.000 Six foot five?

01:25:32.000 Yes, I don't know how big Kim Jong-un is, but I bet he looks tiny compared to Dennis Rodman.

01:25:36.000 Two foot three.

01:25:37.000 I just looked it up on my phone.

01:25:39.000 Wow, that was quick.

01:25:41.000 I think it would be a weird meeting, but it might actually be okay.

01:25:45.000 It might be good.

01:25:47.000 This people gotta, something's gotta break over there.

01:25:50.000 Like, what they're doing is just insane.

01:25:51.000 The way they keep those people essentially hostage.

01:25:53.000 There's no food. 1.00

01:25:55.000 The people that have escaped had horrible fucking parasites in their body. 1.00

01:25:59.000 See, I feel bad. 1.00

01:26:00.000 I don't know.

01:26:01.000 A couple guys escaped and got shot at on the border.

01:26:04.000 Fascinating footage, man.

01:26:06.000 So you're saying they keep them hostage.

01:26:06.000 Who are you talking about?

01:26:07.000 The people of North Korea, they're essentially held hostage.

01:26:10.000 I mean, they're trapped by dear leader.

01:26:13.000 You know what they have to do?

01:26:14.000 Like, when the dad died, these people were all weeping in the street, and they had to weep, like, outwardly, loudly, as long as they could do it.

01:26:23.000 And if you stopped weeping early, you'd be punished.

01:26:26.000 And people who they felt weren't weeping enough got six months in jail.

01:26:32.000 It's a crazy place and everyone turns on everyone.

01:26:36.000 Everyone rats everyone else out on everything they do.

01:26:39.000 You're supposed to meet together.

01:26:41.000 You go in front of these people and you rat each other out for all the different things you do.

01:26:45.000 Michael Malice has a great book about it.

01:26:47.000 Is it called Dear Reader?

01:26:49.000 Is that the name of his book?

01:26:50.000 Dear Leader or Dear Reader?

01:26:54.000 Why do I feel like it's Dear Reader?

01:26:56.000 He's a funny guy, Michael Malice, but knows a lot about North Korea.

01:27:01.000 Do you ever hear something you're like, I should know that?

01:27:03.000 Yeah, I should know it too.

01:27:05.000 That's one of the beautiful things about this podcast is just being able to talk to someone.

01:27:09.000 It is Dear Reader. 0.98

01:27:10.000 Being able to talk to people on this podcast and get a little quick three-hour crash course in what the fuck's going on in North Korea. 0.93

01:27:19.000 So Michael was amazing for that.

01:27:21.000 And you know who else was great for that?

01:27:22.000 Henry Rollins was. 1.00

01:27:23.000 Henry Rollins went over there as a fucking tourist. 0.99

01:27:27.000 Wandered around over there. 1.00

01:27:28.000 That guy's an animal.

01:27:29.000 That guy goes everywhere.

01:27:31.000 He just went over to...

01:27:33.000 Was there a purpose?

01:27:34.000 Henry Rollins just picks a spot on the map.

01:27:36.000 You should listen to his podcast he did with Ari Shafir.

01:27:39.000 That's the one that really got me...

01:27:41.000 I mean, I changed the way I look at Henry.

01:27:43.000 I always liked his music.

01:27:45.000 I always liked his spoken word stuff and his acting stuff.

01:27:47.000 And this is his attitude.

01:27:48.000 Just a no-bullshit sort of a guy. 0.84

01:27:50.000 He's got a little saying that he put on the back wall.

01:27:55.000 Of one of the clubs that I worked, one of the theaters that I worked, about the people that work there.

01:28:01.000 You know, you're the lucky one, so you should be very thankful that these people who work way harder than you make way less money than you.

01:28:11.000 And I'm like, that's a guy that's looking at it the right way. 0.71

01:28:14.000 So he takes a fucking spot, points it down on the map, and he's like, okay, let's try Bahrain. 0.99

01:28:20.000 And he just fucking travels to Bahrain. 0.99

01:28:23.000 You know, he'll go to the middle of Africa, he'll go to Cameroon. 0.99

01:28:25.000 He just travels there.

01:28:26.000 He doesn't know anybody there. 0.98

01:28:27.000 He buys water when he gets there, brings his fucking camera and some clothes and a laptop, and he takes pictures, and then he writes. 0.98

01:28:34.000 And he doesn't do any shows or anything? 1.00

01:28:35.000 He's a fucking animal dude. 1.00

01:28:37.000 He's crazy. 1.00

01:28:37.000 No shows? 1.00

01:28:38.000 He doesn't do shows anymore.

01:28:39.000 He doesn't do shows anymore.

01:28:40.000 He does spoken word performances.

01:28:42.000 He doesn't do any music anymore.

01:28:43.000 He says, I'm done.

01:28:44.000 I don't want to do it anymore.

01:28:45.000 And just writes books.

01:28:46.000 And just writes a lot of articles.

01:28:48.000 Writes articles for like a bunch of different publications.

01:28:51.000 But I mean, he's super prolific.

01:28:53.000 And I really enjoy his writing.

01:28:56.000 His writing is...

01:28:57.000 It's like...

01:28:58.000 It's crisp.

01:28:59.000 It's energetic.

01:29:01.000 It's like...

01:29:02.000 He writes like the way he talks and the way he behaves.

01:29:06.000 Like he appreciates your attention span. 0.99

01:29:09.000 You know, he's enthusiastic about what he's talking about, and he's got some shit to say. 1.00

01:29:13.000 Bam! 0.99

01:29:14.000 Well, it sounds like something...

01:29:15.000 I'm not a good reader, but I could get it on books on tape, because just hearing it directly.

01:29:19.000 Yeah, because I get...

01:29:20.000 I like when someone speaks to me very specifically.

01:29:24.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:29:25.000 I get lost very easily.

01:29:27.000 Me too.

01:29:28.000 What did I have to say about Rollins?

01:29:30.000 He went to North Korea, too. 0.98

01:29:31.000 He's an animal.

01:29:32.000 A guy went everywhere.

01:29:33.000 How long will he go somewhere like that?

01:29:34.000 A couple weeks. 0.99

01:29:35.000 Whatever the fuck he wants. 0.99

01:29:36.000 He's Henry Rollins. 0.99

01:29:37.000 And he has money, so he can stay in a nice hotel.

01:29:39.000 He can do whatever he wants.

01:29:40.000 There's no nice hotels.

01:29:41.000 There's places where there is no nice hotels.

01:29:44.000 Really?

01:29:44.000 There's no nice hotels.

01:29:45.000 You're not living in a lap of luxury in Cameroon.

01:29:48.000 It's like, you know, you take what they got, and, you know, you just hang with the people, you be like the locals, you know, meet some cool people, hang out with them.

01:29:56.000 That's the reality.

01:29:58.000 The guy was just, you know, feeling his travel oats and really got into it.

01:30:05.000 And now it's like a, it's not just recreation, you know.

01:30:11.000 It's a recreation, but it's also like a life perspective altering burst that you give yourself, you know.

01:30:20.000 You go to Pakistan, you're wandering through the streets of Karachi in Pakistan.

01:30:23.000 You're like, what?

01:30:24.000 Yeah.

01:30:25.000 How did I do this?

01:30:26.000 This is crazy.

01:30:28.000 And he's got to actually survive.

01:30:29.000 He's got to get out of those places.

01:30:32.000 I don't know if I could.

01:30:33.000 I mean, I know after you go through something like that, your spirituality, that part I admire, but then doing it, I just...

01:30:44.000 I don't want to be in...

01:30:47.000 You have to be uncomfortable and hot.

01:30:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:51.000 You know what I mean?

01:30:52.000 You've got to be uncomfortable, for sure.

01:30:54.000 I mean, he's gone everywhere.

01:30:57.000 Yeah.

01:30:58.000 I'll just watch the documentary.

01:31:00.000 There's something about going to those places, though.

01:31:03.000 Right?

01:31:03.000 Oh, of course.

01:31:04.000 Do you ever camp?

01:31:04.000 Even the few places I've gone.

01:31:06.000 Do you ever go camping?

01:31:07.000 Uh-huh.

01:31:08.000 When was the last time?

01:31:09.000 When I was two, maybe.

01:31:11.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:31:12.000 About a year ago.

01:31:13.000 Did you?

01:31:14.000 About a year ago.

01:31:14.000 Where'd you guys go?

01:31:15.000 Went to...

01:31:16.000 Oh, I shot a pilot.

01:31:17.000 That sounds so...

01:31:18.000 Called Camping with Todd.

01:31:20.000 Oh, really?

01:31:20.000 And we went...

01:31:21.000 We shot it up.

01:31:22.000 It was me, Zach Galvanakis, and John Dornetti Pepitone.

01:31:26.000 Oh, man, that sounds awesome.

01:31:28.000 Close to letting it happen, it happened.

01:31:30.000 You know what's weird?

01:31:30.000 We didn't end up...

01:31:31.000 We shot the pilot.

01:31:32.000 Even a bad pilot, but that's the premise.

01:31:34.000 I really did think...

01:31:35.000 And I don't ever think this...

01:31:37.000 But once in a while, I do.

01:31:38.000 I'll just be honest with my thought.

01:31:40.000 I'll be like, I think this is going to sell.

01:31:41.000 Because it's just camping with Todd.

01:31:42.000 It's like, you're around a fire, people are comfortable, they talk, you have a musical performance.

01:31:47.000 Who was playing the guitar? 0.98

01:31:48.000 That was John Doerr, but he was just being silly. 0.99

01:31:52.000 As long as he's only being silly. 0.98

01:31:54.000 I will not tolerate some real live singing by a fire. 0.97

01:31:58.000 And then at the end, we did.

01:32:00.000 We had someone come out with a trumpet and a guitar, and they did a real kumbayas of public domain.

01:32:05.000 And And then we tried to sell it, and no one was really interested, so it's okay.

01:32:11.000 You know, what is that thing that people do where they hire someone to play acoustic guitar and sing songs in a restaurant, and they walk over to a table?

01:32:19.000 Have you ever seen that before?

01:32:20.000 Oh, like a mariachi?

01:32:21.000 Not even a mariachi.

01:32:21.000 Oh, just a guy with a guitar.

01:32:23.000 I was at a restaurant the other day, and this woman, she had an amazing voice.

01:32:25.000 She was singing that Dolly Parton song, Jolene.

01:32:30.000 Just out of nowhere.

01:32:31.000 I went to the bathroom, came back.

01:32:33.000 This lady's singing a song. 1.00

01:32:35.000 What happened here?

01:32:37.000 Magicians used to do that?

01:32:38.000 Oh, that was the worst, dude.

01:32:39.000 That's the worst.

01:32:40.000 Wait, who did that?

01:32:41.000 It would interrupt a conversation.

01:32:42.000 You'd be in the middle of a conversation.

01:32:44.000 I'd like you to pick a card.

01:32:45.000 What? 1.00

01:32:46.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:32:47.000 Come on. 1.00

01:32:48.000 I'm not interested.

01:32:49.000 Thank you. 1.00

01:32:49.000 But if you say thank you, you're the dick. 1.00

01:32:51.000 I just came here to order food. 0.99

01:32:53.000 I don't want to do tricks.

01:32:55.000 Even though I love close-up magic.

01:32:59.000 I really do.

01:33:00.000 To me, it's the only magic there is.

01:33:02.000 But, yeah, if you're in the middle of a conversation, you really do feel horrible.

01:33:07.000 Unless it says, like, magic and meat.

01:33:08.000 If that's the name of your place, it's magic and meat.

01:33:10.000 And everybody knows...

01:33:11.000 You're gonna be a magician.

01:33:12.000 And then the magician is gonna come over and come to the table and do his stuff in front of you.

01:33:17.000 That is totally cool.

01:33:18.000 I'm not against that.

01:33:19.000 Of course.

01:33:20.000 But if you're in the middle of a conversation and the magician comes over and all of a sudden wants you to pick a card, like, come on, man. 0.99

01:33:26.000 We have some shit we have to talk about. 0.96

01:33:28.000 Just because we're in a public place doesn't mean you can join in. 0.99

01:33:31.000 Like, we're supposed to be sitting.

01:33:32.000 We're paying.

01:33:32.000 We're paying here.

01:33:33.000 And then you can either be a magician or some people would say conversation stopper.

01:33:39.000 Yes.

01:33:40.000 Cock blocker. 0.89

01:33:40.000 What do you put on your card? 0.89

01:33:42.000 Yeah.

01:33:43.000 And then it's not even his fault.

01:33:45.000 It's just the job.

01:33:46.000 That's his job.

01:33:47.000 What is he going to do?

01:33:48.000 Like, that's what they hired him for.

01:33:49.000 Hey, you want to work for us?

01:33:51.000 Sure, I need a job.

01:33:52.000 Okay, you're going to be a magician.

01:33:53.000 You're going to walk around the tables and do magic in front of people.

01:33:56.000 Okay.

01:33:57.000 It's not his fault.

01:33:58.000 Right.

01:33:58.000 That's why I... It's the restaurant's fault.

01:34:01.000 That's why I always err on...

01:34:02.000 Even though I was interrupting the conversation, I just...

01:34:05.000 I get it.

01:34:06.000 So I'm pretty polite, and I... And try to enjoy it, and it's usually pretty short, but yeah, I'm always wishing, yeah, we're just into this intense conversation.

01:34:14.000 Yeah.

01:34:14.000 It depends on how high you are, right?

01:34:16.000 If you're high, you let the guy talk.

01:34:18.000 But if you had a cup of coffee, you're like, hey, dude, I can't.

01:34:21.000 What if you give him $500?

01:34:23.000 If you own or manage a restaurant, you need a close-up magician.

01:34:27.000 Oh, you need.

01:34:29.000 And it's all capitals.

01:34:31.000 Listen, it's only happened to me twice ever.

01:34:33.000 And it wasn't the worst thing in the world.

01:34:35.000 I just feel like unless it's in the name of your restaurant, you probably shouldn't do that.

01:34:42.000 It's not like something that happens a lot.

01:34:43.000 You know there's a magician listening.

01:34:45.000 I like magicians.

01:34:46.000 I love working at the Comedy Magic Club.

01:34:48.000 I used to, back in the day before I used to book my own show there, when I would do a show, I would work with a magician always.

01:34:55.000 It was always like one comic, a magician, and then maybe one other comic.

01:35:00.000 I think that's how they did it.

01:35:01.000 They do it a bunch of different ways.

01:35:03.000 Oh yeah, in Hermosa Beach.

01:35:04.000 Yeah, that place is amazing.

01:35:06.000 That place is amazing.

01:35:07.000 That place is also like a museum of comedy.

01:35:10.000 Inside with all the...

01:35:11.000 They have like Popeye's outfit, the Robin Williams wore.

01:35:13.000 It's framed on the wall.

01:35:15.000 And those signatures in that wall, in the green room.

01:35:17.000 It's a crazy array of signatures on a wall from the last 35 years.

01:35:23.000 Or 40 maybe.

01:35:24.000 That's crazy.

01:35:26.000 That's a long time to be somewhere.

01:35:28.000 And be such a nice guy too.

01:35:30.000 It's, um, I think that's the second oldest comedy club in the world right now.

01:35:35.000 I think the Ice House is number one, and Comedy and Magic is, like, just slightly younger in terms of a club.

01:35:41.000 And then where do you go after that?

01:35:42.000 The Comedy Works in Denver?

01:35:44.000 Pretty close.

01:35:45.000 For olders?

01:35:46.000 How old is the Comedy Works in Denver?

01:35:47.000 It can only be, like, 23 years old or something.

01:35:49.000 I thought it was, like, 30. Is it?

01:35:51.000 You might be right.

01:35:53.000 Yeah, didn't Roseanne start there? 0.56

01:35:55.000 Maybe Roseanne started there. 1.00

01:35:56.000 In Detroit, the, uh...

01:36:00.000 His name is in the title.

01:36:02.000 But still, we're in the 80s, right?

01:36:04.000 I mean, there used to be some places...

01:36:05.000 The Ice House is from the 60s.

01:36:07.000 The Ice House started...

01:36:09.000 Oh, no, no.

01:36:09.000 I'm sorry.

01:36:09.000 I didn't mean older.

01:36:10.000 I just meant next on the list, where do you go to?

01:36:13.000 Yeah, these places are not...

01:36:15.000 Yeah, but I mean, there's a few of the old, old, old places that are still around.

01:36:19.000 Those are like historical places.

01:36:22.000 Like, the Comedy Store is the most historical place.

01:36:26.000 But there's a lot of historical places.

01:36:28.000 Helium's historical now, because how long has helium been around for?

01:36:32.000 13 years.

01:36:33.000 Yeah, that's a spot where universally people talk about that place.

01:36:38.000 I feel like Acme in Minneapolis is...

01:36:44.000 Laughing Skull in Atlanta.

01:36:46.000 That place is off the charts.

01:36:49.000 Intimate, 90 people maybe.

01:36:51.000 Have you done it?

01:36:52.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:36:53.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:36:53.000 The curtain that goes... 1.00

01:36:54.000 Amazing.

01:36:55.000 You know, that's a good example of a room.

01:36:57.000 You're going down a hallway, you're at a restaurant.

01:36:59.000 Picture everybody, everyone has to go to a club for the first time.

01:37:02.000 You go, it's in the back of a restaurant, you go down a hallway, then all of a sudden...

01:37:06.000 Even though it's a simple room, there's a sound booth, there's lights, the curtain shuts, the lights go down.

01:37:12.000 And I think every second you're in a club like that where they have production, you're like, oh, this is something.

01:37:19.000 You know, like the audience that might not know what to expect.

01:37:21.000 Now they know it's going to be good sometimes, even before the show starts, just the way the place conducts itself, and then the house lights go out.

01:37:27.000 It's like a big deal.

01:37:28.000 So that room is a lot of fun in that room.

01:37:32.000 It's another one of those really intimate places.

01:37:34.000 I don't even think that's 100 people, right?

01:37:36.000 80 people.

01:37:37.000 Is that what it is?

01:37:38.000 Amazing.

01:37:40.000 Yeah, those spots, man.

01:37:41.000 I counted.

01:37:41.000 I have a clicker because I'm on a door deal.

01:37:43.000 Oh, you're one of those guys.

01:37:44.000 No, no, I don't.

01:37:44.000 One of those guys.

01:37:45.000 Didn't that happen?

01:37:46.000 Someone did that on stage, made everybody call out a number at a club somewhere.

01:37:52.000 Oh, because probably to see if there was more than they said.

01:37:55.000 Exactly.

01:37:56.000 He was working on some sort of a door deal, and he thought there was more people in the room than the club owner told him, so he had the audience individually count out a number.

01:38:06.000 What?

01:38:07.000 What?

01:38:08.000 We're going to start from this table over here.

01:38:09.000 We're going to move to the left.

01:38:10.000 You're number one.

01:38:11.000 Ready, sir?

01:38:11.000 Go.

01:38:12.000 Number one, two, three, four, five, six.

01:38:14.000 And people would just, I can't wait to say my number.

01:38:17.000 They'd just be sitting there, 36!

01:38:19.000 That proves that some people want to yell out.

01:38:22.000 That was fun for them.

01:38:24.000 How many people were going, oh, right, we don't need to do this.

01:38:26.000 They do, but I think it was like a 350-seat room.

01:38:31.000 Wow.

01:38:32.000 Maybe he didn't have the material.

01:38:34.000 Maybe.

01:38:35.000 It's totally possible.

01:38:37.000 Totally possible.

01:38:38.000 But whatever it is, that's how he found out. 0.99

01:38:42.000 He went through the whole room and he got past the number that this guy said there were and then there was like still 50 more fucking people. 0.99

01:38:50.000 I wonder if that's true. 0.99

01:38:51.000 No, I think it's true.

01:38:52.000 I think it's true.

01:38:52.000 I think the wait staff is what told me about it.

01:38:55.000 And I think they were very enthusiastic with their descriptions.

01:38:58.000 Oh, wow.

01:38:59.000 So you think he caught them like a club owner trying to hide how many?

01:39:02.000 Could be.

01:39:03.000 The good clubs that have been around forever, overwhelmingly, I've had almost perfect experiences.

01:39:09.000 The clubs, they're all pretty decent.

01:39:11.000 So I forget sometimes what some of the shystier ones, because you hear stories about people on the road manipulating the money and stuff.

01:39:19.000 You do hear that.

01:39:20.000 That can happen with some clubs.

01:39:23.000 I think some club owners develop a very animostic Animosity?

01:39:28.000 Is that word animostic?

01:39:30.000 That's not even a word.

01:39:31.000 It isn't.

01:39:32.000 I know what you're gonna say, though.

01:39:33.000 Right when it came out of my mouth, right as it was going out, I was like, is that a real word?

01:39:37.000 Animosity.

01:39:38.000 Yeah, I don't think you can use that as an adjective.

01:39:39.000 No, you can't.

01:39:40.000 Exactly.

01:39:41.000 Towards comedy.

01:39:42.000 But they develop this animosity between each other.

01:39:45.000 The club owners don't want to book you.

01:39:46.000 You get mad at the club owners. 1.00

01:39:47.000 Then when you make it, you're like, fuck that guy. 1.00

01:39:49.000 I want more money. 1.00

01:39:50.000 Tell him, fuck him. 1.00

01:39:51.000 You know, and there's this weird thing that happens. 1.00

01:39:53.000 Like, they knew you when you sucked.

01:39:55.000 And then, you know, like, as you're coming up, They don't want to pay you more, and you're like, but I make more now, I'm a headliner, and you get into this weird sort of thing with each other. 0.67

01:40:06.000 I think that that poisons the well for a lot of comedian-club owner relationships.

01:40:13.000 But we need them so bad.

01:40:15.000 You and I are not opening up a comedy club.

01:40:18.000 This is not going to happen.

01:40:19.000 We need the improv.

01:40:22.000 We need these clubs.

01:40:23.000 You need the Ha Ha in North Hollywood.

01:40:25.000 We need them.

01:40:27.000 We all have to work together.

01:40:29.000 We should all figure out a way to be nice to each other.

01:40:32.000 We need each other.

01:40:33.000 We're not going to do that.

01:40:35.000 That's why I try, and not only do I try, I do it, too.

01:40:38.000 As much as I complain about when they do it wrong, I always spend twice as much time giving clubs a do-it-great shout-outs and throwing love their way.

01:40:47.000 There's a lot do-it-right.

01:40:48.000 They're so important.

01:40:49.000 And you know what?

01:40:50.000 When I go to...

01:40:51.000 What happened?

01:40:52.000 I thought the mic was coming at me.

01:40:55.000 That's the spray.

01:40:56.000 The spray's starting to hit.

01:40:58.000 Oh, Jamie, how dare you?

01:41:00.000 When I go to a place like Portland, the helium in Portland, Philadelphia, but where there's a manager and they run the place.

01:41:10.000 Look, I know they're stressed out, but they're good at hiding it.

01:41:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:41:12.000 They're professional.

01:41:14.000 Always.

01:41:14.000 And I thought, I couldn't do that.

01:41:15.000 I'd be frantic, but always like, hey, sorry.

01:41:18.000 And I think...

01:41:20.000 I try to go, wow, give a club like that.

01:41:25.000 When that exists, I go, I don't even know how they do it.

01:41:27.000 It's so good.

01:41:28.000 I don't know if I could do it like that.

01:41:30.000 And then this guy's like, do you remember Tom Sawyer from San Francisco?

01:41:32.000 I know of him, yes.

01:41:34.000 You never worked for him?

01:41:35.000 I don't think so.

01:41:36.000 Really?

01:41:36.000 You never worked at the old Cobbs?

01:41:38.000 No.

01:41:39.000 Of Little Cobbs?

01:41:40.000 Once.

01:41:41.000 Did you work at Big Cobbs?

01:41:42.000 No.

01:41:43.000 I did some shows there through a festival, but never through the club.

01:41:49.000 Yeah.

01:41:50.000 I don't want to beat on it too much.

01:41:52.000 We're just so fucking lucky that we have places to do it.

01:41:55.000 It's just a weird relationship that comics and acts have to each other.

01:41:59.000 I know, when it gets volatile.

01:42:00.000 Yeah, because both parties have some work to do.

01:42:04.000 It's really, if they were in therapy, you both got some things you can fix.

01:42:07.000 And as long as, because it is true, it's like, I'm not unaware of what you're saying, because it's just comedians for every club owner that maybe rips somebody off, which of course they exist.

01:42:18.000 There's also that comedian that thinks everybody's ripping them off and nobody is.

01:42:21.000 Right.

01:42:21.000 There's both.

01:42:23.000 When you're not getting booked, it's real easy to develop that sort of animosity between you and a club.

01:42:31.000 If you can't work and you think that other guys are not as good as you and they're getting work, and you get frustrated and you're young and dumb already, you can have that sort of weird Complicated relationship.

01:42:43.000 It's just one of those weird things.

01:42:45.000 Club owners and artists have always, there's always been disputes, right? 0.96

01:42:48.000 Way back into the day where they, that dude jumped off the fucking roof of the hotel next to the comedy store. 0.91

01:42:54.000 Yeah, that was... 0.90

01:42:54.000 That was out of protest between the comedians protesting against the club, right? 0.90

01:43:00.000 They walked out.

01:43:01.000 There was a strike.

01:43:03.000 There was an L.A. comedy strike because no one was getting any money.

01:43:06.000 And these clubs were smashing it, and we weren't getting any of the money.

01:43:10.000 There's always been that.

01:43:12.000 And that still goes on today.

01:43:13.000 Like UCB. UCB doesn't pay people.

01:43:15.000 They don't have to.

01:43:16.000 They're doing great. 0.99

01:43:17.000 I mean, until someone forces them, they can keep doing whatever the fuck they want to do. 0.98

01:43:23.000 There's also some good blood out there, too. 0.98

01:43:27.000 Sure.

01:43:29.000 There's a lot of good little communities, too, where guys put together a comedy night somewhere.

01:43:34.000 Yeah, and some do a great job at that.

01:43:37.000 I'm always in awe of that.

01:43:38.000 When you go to a comedy night and someone did it, you're like, they took a bar and made it, every little thing is right.

01:43:46.000 Some people really know how to produce a show.

01:43:49.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:43:50.000 It's always fun to walk into that.

01:43:52.000 And they just found a good spot, too.

01:43:54.000 There was a good spot that I worked at only once, and it was in Encino.

01:43:58.000 It was really weird.

01:44:01.000 I'm telling you, I mean, it was a five-minute walk from my house.

01:44:05.000 That's when I lived in Encino.

01:44:06.000 I lived off of White Oak, and I could just walk down there and go to this weird comedy club.

01:44:11.000 I never worked there.

01:44:13.000 The entire time I lived there, I never worked there.

01:44:15.000 I did one set there, and I was like, what is this place?

01:44:19.000 This place is weird.

01:44:20.000 What club?

01:44:20.000 I don't remember the name of it, but it was a bar in the front, and you'd go past the bar to this back room, and it was like all people that I had never seen do stand-up.

01:44:30.000 I'd never seen them at the store, never saw them at the Laugh Factory, never saw them at the improv.

01:44:33.000 It seemed like they had either just started, or they were crazy.

01:44:38.000 Maybe it was the night that I was there, but I was like, this place is nuts.

01:44:41.000 And how long ago was this?

01:44:44.000 More than 20 years.

01:44:46.000 Yeah, this was like 95, I think.

01:44:51.000 Yeah.

01:44:51.000 It was weird.

01:44:53.000 It's a weird little comedy club.

01:44:54.000 Like, there's this whole, uh, another world.

01:44:56.000 Yeah, there's worlds out there, man. 0.98

01:44:58.000 There's like, and if you go, like, into Orange County and into San Diego, San Diego's got its own fucking scene. 0.97

01:45:03.000 Right, right. 0.97

01:45:04.000 You know?

01:45:05.000 Santa Barbara had, like, this.

01:45:07.000 Oh, yeah.

01:45:07.000 Yeah.

01:45:08.000 This, uh...

01:45:09.000 Santa Barbara.

01:45:10.000 Yeah, all these different places.

01:45:12.000 Santa Barbara, I don't think, has that comedy club anymore.

01:45:15.000 I heard that comedy.

01:45:16.000 See if Santa Barbara has a comedy club.

01:45:17.000 That thing once a month they do.

01:45:19.000 It might have been like six months ago.

01:45:22.000 San Francisco has a scene.

01:45:24.000 They got a scene.

01:45:24.000 Seattle's got a scene.

01:45:26.000 There's some scenes out there.

01:45:27.000 There's some comedy scenes.

01:45:28.000 It's just like how many of them are really thriving.

01:45:31.000 It takes a lot of club owners, man.

01:45:33.000 That's the thing is what I'm saying to these people that don't get along so good with club owners.

01:45:38.000 If they're not doing it, we're not gonna.

01:45:40.000 Comedy hideaway.

01:45:42.000 In Santa Barbara, it says closed right now.

01:45:46.000 Hours.

01:45:47.000 Does it mean closed forever?

01:45:49.000 No, it's 1 p.m.

01:45:50.000 on Wednesday.

01:45:51.000 Okay.

01:45:51.000 He'll do random shows.

01:45:53.000 1 p.m.?

01:45:54.000 He still does.

01:45:55.000 He still has shows.

01:45:57.000 It's just always under Comedy Hideaway, and that's where he found out, oh, he's doing it there.

01:46:00.000 He's doing it there.

01:46:01.000 Oh, okay.

01:46:02.000 Oh, I get it.

01:46:03.000 So it's a hideaway.

01:46:04.000 So it's like a gig.

01:46:06.000 Oh, he goes to different spots.

01:46:08.000 Oh, okay.

01:46:08.000 Sometimes he'll be in the same spot for the weekend.

01:46:10.000 Sometimes it bounces around.

01:46:12.000 Oh, okay.

01:46:13.000 I know.

01:46:13.000 I'm his manager.

01:46:15.000 I'm telling the kid.

01:46:16.000 He's got to be more specific with his social media marketing.

01:46:18.000 Come on! 0.61

01:46:19.000 Yeah.

01:46:19.000 I don't know, man.

01:46:20.000 But what makes a scene is a club owner.

01:46:23.000 Like Wendy.

01:46:23.000 Wendy from the Comedy Works in Denver.

01:46:25.000 She makes the scene.

01:46:26.000 That's the club owner.

01:46:27.000 She's the one who puts her finances at risk.

01:46:30.000 She's the one who manages it.

01:46:31.000 She runs two clubs.

01:46:33.000 And in those two clubs that she ran... 0.95

01:46:35.000 She runs currently.

01:46:36.000 She created the Denver scene.

01:46:39.000 Mitzi created the LA scene at the store.

01:46:41.000 Mitzi's guidance, her what she tolerated, what she enforced, and what she preferred, and who she gave enthusiasm to, she shaped so many comics, man.

01:46:55.000 You know, so there's a few of those club owners that are like super super special like really really important people They just they create an environment where shit pops out of I know I say it's the closest thing like Presenting knowing how to present something especially when it's comedy.

01:47:11.000 I'm in awe of whenever somebody, you know Do you ever think you would do that?

01:47:15.000 I mean you've designed them.

01:47:16.000 Do you ever think you would I don't think I'd want to own a club, because I get it.

01:47:20.000 Comedians can be hard to deal with. 0.98

01:47:23.000 Some of them are just crazy. 0.99

01:47:24.000 Yeah.

01:47:24.000 Some of them, you just can't do it.

01:47:28.000 I get it.

01:47:29.000 You know what?

01:47:30.000 The other reason?

01:47:31.000 I was close once, maybe.

01:47:34.000 Let's say there's somebody I like as a comedian, but maybe they trash a hotel.

01:47:38.000 I don't need to know that.

01:47:40.000 And then be mad at them.

01:47:41.000 Oh, what happened?

01:47:41.000 How come you don't talk to blah, blah, blah anymore?

01:47:43.000 Because I make my club in Philadelphia real nice.

01:47:46.000 And then he went in and he...

01:47:47.000 You know, they tore the curtain down, and I don't want to not like him for that.

01:47:50.000 So let me not own a club and deal with anybody I know on a business level.

01:47:54.000 That's a good point.

01:47:55.000 That's a very good point.

01:47:56.000 People do it, and it's hard, but they'd empathize with what I'm saying more than anything.

01:47:59.000 So it also says we're not delusional when we complain about clubs, because it says, yeah, we get it.

01:48:04.000 There's some... 0.99

01:48:04.000 When they do it right, there's some comedians that shit on it. 0.99

01:48:09.000 They ruin a condo that they're trying to make nice. 0.99

01:48:11.000 I get it.

01:48:11.000 But overwhelmingly, it's probably...

01:48:15.000 No, it's blood.

01:48:17.000 No, you are trying to be fair. 1.00

01:48:19.000 There's just a certain amount of people that are nuts. 1.00

01:48:22.000 They're gonna fuck places up. 1.00

01:48:23.000 They're gonna ruin things. 1.00

01:48:24.000 They don't give a shit. 1.00

01:48:25.000 Or on a club, or whatever they do. 0.99

01:48:26.000 Ruin the relationship that the club has with some other business, you know? 0.96

01:48:30.000 It's just, you know, comedians are crazy.

01:48:34.000 Here's me on the phone. 0.75

01:48:35.000 What? 1.00

01:48:37.000 He's shit? 1.00

01:48:38.000 For what? 1.00

01:48:40.000 And that's not even normal.

01:48:42.000 That's not even normal is a good one.

01:48:44.000 Yeah. 0.93

01:48:45.000 I mean, I know he's crazy.

01:48:46.000 And then somebody that I, well, you know, he said he wanted to pay for the steam cleaning.

01:48:50.000 Well, I don't know.

01:48:51.000 We'll get new carpet.

01:48:54.000 Yeah, just diarrhea, man.

01:48:57.000 He said spray diarrhea before.

01:48:58.000 I love it.

01:48:59.000 You know why?

01:49:00.000 Because that's, to me, if you're saying the wrong thing.

01:49:02.000 That's what it sounds like. 0.99

01:49:03.000 Just shitting diarrhea all over everybody. 0.99

01:49:07.000 But that's not even your fault with a lot of people. 0.98

01:49:10.000 A lot of people, it's like they don't Probably realize what they're doing.

01:49:15.000 They're doing it and they think they're right, but they're just looking at it from their own personal, selfish perspective because they're excited about what they're saying and because they're engaged in a contest.

01:49:25.000 It's not just that they're talking about stuff.

01:49:28.000 They're engaged in a contest they're trying to win.

01:49:30.000 That's where the diarrhea comes out. 0.87

01:49:32.000 They're just throwing it at you and getting in your face.

01:49:35.000 It's like, ugh. 0.99

01:49:37.000 This is a contest and they'll suck you in. 1.00

01:49:41.000 Suck you into it. 0.99

01:49:42.000 See, that's what I think one of the big things is wrong with people today, and it's been wrong of me in the past. 1.00

01:49:49.000 You get into these conflicts for no fucking reason. 0.97

01:49:52.000 It's not worth it. 0.98

01:49:53.000 There's no fun in that. 1.00

01:49:54.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:49:55.000 If you want to get in conflicts, you should be doing difficult shit with your life. 1.00

01:49:59.000 There's a lot of different difficult things to do. 0.98

01:50:00.000 Don't, like, get in arguments with people over nonsense.

01:50:02.000 Have you done it in the past ever?

01:50:04.000 Arguments with people over nothing?

01:50:05.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:50:07.000 Fuck you, is that in the car window, you know? 1.00

01:50:10.000 No, fuck you, fuck you. 1.00

01:50:11.000 You feel like such a loser after you get out of there. 1.00

01:50:13.000 Like, what did I even say? 0.95

01:50:15.000 Yeah, we've all done that. 1.00

01:50:17.000 Somebody cuts you off or someone's on their phone, they almost slam into you and you freak out and they give you the bird and you're like, fuck you. 1.00

01:50:23.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:50:24.000 And now almost zero?

01:50:26.000 Almost zero.

01:50:27.000 Almost zero.

01:50:28.000 Most of the time I'm pretty cool.

01:50:30.000 It's a matter of always thinking about it. 1.00

01:50:33.000 It's a matter of always recognizing, like, these are just stupid impulses. 1.00

01:50:36.000 Don't just follow any childish impulse like some 13 year old who's got his first boner. 1.00

01:50:42.000 Like, use your fucking brain. 1.00

01:50:43.000 Don't yell. 1.00

01:50:44.000 Just use your brain.

01:50:47.000 I just, more than anything, because it's usually not even involving me when I still witness the finger out the window. 1.00

01:50:53.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:50:54.000 I always go, from a calm place, who are you? 1.00

01:50:58.000 And you know what?

01:50:59.000 I've seen it, a civil person that probably is about to sit down at a restaurant, and probably a relatively nice guy, but that's, if you're 40 years old, or 20, or whatever age, the younger, the more understandable. 1.00

01:51:12.000 But when you see, let's go with a 40-year-old, putting his finger out the window, Fuck! 0.99

01:51:16.000 I go, who are you? 1.00

01:51:17.000 Where are you going?

01:51:19.000 How can you be at most value to your children's lives if that's the way you express yourself?

01:51:24.000 Don't tell me, oh, I'll do that, but I'm a good...

01:51:26.000 No, that's got to leak into everything you do.

01:51:28.000 You're putting your hand out the window. 1.00

01:51:30.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:51:32.000 I'm like, who are you? 1.00

01:51:34.000 Who are you?

01:51:35.000 You should treat everybody in the other car as if they're a giant, friendly linebacker. 1.00

01:51:44.000 Don't ever say I'll fuck you up. 1.00

01:51:46.000 Don't ever say I'll kick your ass. 1.00

01:51:48.000 Have a little bit of fear of them. 1.00

01:51:51.000 Don't want to be mad at you.

01:51:53.000 Lay back.

01:51:54.000 That's how you should treat everybody.

01:51:55.000 If we all just did that, we'd all get along great. 1.00

01:51:58.000 You know, you don't look at some giant asshole. 0.99

01:52:00.000 I go to this gym, these NFL players go there, and it's hilarious, man. 1.00

01:52:04.000 I'm like, excuse me, pardon me. 0.98

01:52:07.000 Ducking under dude's elbows and shit, trying to get to the weight stacks. 0.99

01:52:10.000 They're enormous people. 1.00

01:52:11.000 I mean, some of these guys are like six foot four, 300 plus pounds, just enormous, enormous fucking people. 0.99

01:52:19.000 Just show a little. 0.99

01:52:20.000 Have a little respect. 1.00

01:52:21.000 If those guys were in cars all around you, you wouldn't be yelling, fuck you, pull over, pull over, pussy, pull over. 1.00

01:52:27.000 You wouldn't do that, because these guys will smash you. 1.00

01:52:30.000 They're not even the same thing as you.

01:52:32.000 The reason that it makes me laugh, that behavior, is because it's not always a maniac in real life, but they should see their behaviors maniac-like.

01:52:40.000 Because it is.

01:52:41.000 Do you know where it comes from?

01:52:42.000 What?

01:52:43.000 Do you know where it comes from?

01:52:46.000 Just not being able to express yourself?

01:52:48.000 No, no.

01:52:48.000 When you're in a car, you're worried.

01:52:50.000 Your senses are ramped up.

01:52:52.000 Like, if ten is, like, full awareness, you're at, like, six or seven, where in normal life you're at one. 1.00

01:52:59.000 Like, you're already, like, kind of wrapped up, because everything's moving fast around you, and trying to stay calm, and someone's doing something, or trying to get in your lane, all you fucking piece of shit! 1.00

01:53:08.000 You're ramped up already. 1.00

01:53:11.000 Right. 0.99

01:53:12.000 That's why when you're late, you know, when you're late for something, even me, and I'm a pretty civil person, and I try to stop it, but if I'm super late and nervous, I will say to the person doing the most mundane thing, what the fuck are you doing?! 0.99

01:53:28.000 Exactly!

01:53:29.000 Exactly!

01:53:29.000 Go!

01:53:30.000 Go, pussy! 1.00

01:53:31.000 Go! 1.00

01:53:32.000 I will say this.

01:53:32.000 Go into traffic!

01:53:34.000 Zero out the window.

01:53:36.000 Zero.

01:53:36.000 I'm talking about this is in the kit.

01:53:38.000 But even in the contents of your own car, you should be proud of your behavior.

01:53:42.000 But at least I know well enough, when I'm doing that, that's got to be for me, and I should work on that, too.

01:53:47.000 I had a dude scream at me and take his shirt off to show me his tattoos.

01:53:53.000 That's just sad! 1.00

01:53:54.000 And then he called me a rich piece of shit. 1.00

01:53:58.000 I was not rich at the time, but I did have a white suburban. 1.00

01:54:02.000 And I guess white suburban made you think...

01:54:05.000 I mean, I wasn't famous at the time. 0.99

01:54:06.000 He didn't know who the fuck I was. 0.92

01:54:07.000 But I don't remember what it was about, but I remember the dude took his shirt off to show me his tattoos, and I started pointing at him laughing. 0.98

01:54:14.000 I'm like, ah!

01:54:15.000 I go, did you take your shirt off to show me your tattoos so that I'll think you're a tough guy?

01:54:19.000 Is that what you just did?

01:54:21.000 I'm like, that is hilarious.

01:54:23.000 And so I'm yelling this at him.

01:54:24.000 And he's getting more and more red in the face.

01:54:27.000 And I go, that's hilarious. 1.00

01:54:29.000 He goes, I'll fucking kick your fucking ass, you fucking faggot. 1.00

01:54:32.000 You rich piece of shit. 1.00

01:54:33.000 I'm like, rich piece of shit. 1.00

01:54:35.000 Wow. 1.00

01:54:36.000 Bye.

01:54:37.000 And I just drove. 0.98

01:54:39.000 At least I was thinking, at least I'm driving this big ass truck. 1.00

01:54:41.000 If he slams into me, he's going to get fucked up. 1.00

01:54:44.000 This thing's huge. 1.00

01:54:51.000 He's so stupid. 1.00

01:54:51.000 He thought I'd be scared of him because he's got tattoos everywhere. 1.00

01:54:55.000 Meanwhile, as soon as he took his shirt off, I was convinced I could fuck him up. 0.99

01:54:58.000 I was like, this dude doesn't work out. 1.00

01:55:00.000 There's no way he knows anything.

01:55:02.000 There's no way.

01:55:03.000 I mean, he was just like a guy, you know? 0.98

01:55:06.000 He wasn't like a scary guy, but he had tattoos everywhere, like all over his neck and shit. 0.95

01:55:11.000 And they weren't even good. 0.95

01:55:13.000 I like tattoos. 1.00

01:55:15.000 It was just such a stupid thing. 0.99

01:55:17.000 But I mean, I bet if I knew that guy in real life, and we were just together in a fucking office building, and he worked in one office and I worked in another, I'd be like, what's up, man? 1.00

01:55:26.000 What's going on? 0.94

01:55:27.000 Everything cool? 0.98

01:55:27.000 We've been friendly as shit. 0.98

01:55:29.000 It's just this weird thing when you're on the highway and everybody's ramped up. 0.98

01:55:33.000 Everybody's nervous.

01:55:33.000 You don't even realize you're nervous, even if you're calm and you're good.

01:55:37.000 You're always ready to do this.

01:55:38.000 You're always ready.

01:55:39.000 Somebody's...

01:55:39.000 Oh, she's hit the brakes.

01:55:40.000 Oh, look at that. 1.00

01:55:41.000 It's a fucking thing in the road. 1.00

01:55:42.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:55:43.000 You're always ready for that. 1.00

01:55:44.000 You have to be ready for that.

01:55:45.000 That's why when I go to my house to Silver Lake, some people want to get on the highway, and I go, I don't want to get on the highway.

01:55:55.000 First of all, it always ends up being about the same time, but even if it's five minutes longer, on surface streets, On a highway, I feel like I'm getting too out there in this highway world.

01:56:04.000 I just want to go somewhere where I'm not on the highway.

01:56:07.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:56:07.000 Because on the side road, I can handle it.

01:56:10.000 But on the highway, I just get stressed out a little more.

01:56:13.000 So I'm like, if it's 10 minutes longer, I don't care.

01:56:16.000 Yeah, there's not a bad idea.

01:56:17.000 It's not a bad idea.

01:56:18.000 It's chilling.

01:56:19.000 It's more relaxed.

01:56:20.000 It's chill.

01:56:21.000 I'll take Pico.

01:56:21.000 You're stopping, slow down.

01:56:23.000 No one's driving that fast.

01:56:24.000 I'll take Pico from Center City to my house.

01:56:27.000 Yeah.

01:56:28.000 I like going over Laurel.

01:56:29.000 I like going over Laurel Canyon.

01:56:31.000 You know, when you go into Hollywood, it's like, it's more chill.

01:56:34.000 It's kind of cool.

01:56:35.000 Get that cool drive down, that winding road down.

01:56:38.000 That winding road down is excellent, man.

01:56:40.000 It reminds you you're in LA. Yeah, and I always think of, like, these bad motherfuckers that live right there on the road. 1.00

01:56:46.000 Like, who do you have to be to be so confident in people that you buy a house right there on Laurel Canyon, around one of those corners, where someone can easily miscalculate and slam right into your car and slam into your house? 0.99

01:56:56.000 You know those streets?

01:56:58.000 Like, Laurel in particular is like...

01:57:00.000 There's a lot of, like, jockeying for positioning on Laurel.

01:57:03.000 I saw a guy the other day take a chance move and dump into the left lane to oncoming traffic to pass a guy on Laurel.

01:57:10.000 And I was like, whoa.

01:57:12.000 That is a... 1.00

01:57:12.000 Like, you're committing to being a cocksucker. 1.00

01:57:16.000 Like, you're going down this... 0.99

01:57:17.000 There's no way you know if someone's coming.

01:57:20.000 You don't have enough time.

01:57:21.000 And if they're coming up the hill, like, you're coming down the hill, the same kind of assholishness, we got a real problem here.

01:57:26.000 Like, you're going into the left lane.

01:57:29.000 But it's right next to your house?

01:57:31.000 What?

01:57:32.000 These people, their houses are right there, man! 1.00

01:57:35.000 Like, you could, like, reach out and smack their mailman in the ass as they're driving by. 1.00

01:57:39.000 It's crazy! 0.99

01:57:40.000 I always think that, like, on the highway, when there's an apartment building so close to the highway, that you could forget something and go, honey, I'm pulling around on the overpass, come over to the window and throw me my shoes. 0.91

01:57:53.000 Like an episode of The Honeymooners or some shit, right?

01:57:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:57.000 Catch! 0.60

01:57:59.000 Yeah.

01:58:00.000 They have a string maybe they run from the...

01:58:03.000 I don't know.

01:58:03.000 Whenever I look at a science fiction movie about the future, like District 9...

01:58:07.000 Remember District 9? 0.99

01:58:08.000 Great fucking movie, man. 0.99

01:58:10.000 But one of the things about these super uber-congested cities... 1.00

01:58:14.000 You look at them and you go, okay, is that coming?

01:58:17.000 Is that going to be everywhere?

01:58:18.000 Are we going to be really living in this sort of weird, dystopian future?

01:58:22.000 I mean, New York City is in the perfect spot, right?

01:58:26.000 Because it's not quite dystopian, but it's definitely exceptional.

01:58:29.000 Like, those views that you get...

01:58:30.000 Like, a buddy of mine had an apartment in Brooklyn on the water, facing the city, which I think is even...

01:58:37.000 I don't know if it's better than being in the city, but it's pretty fucking stunning. 0.99

01:58:40.000 And I just was in his living room going, holy shit, man, this is crazy. 0.99

01:58:45.000 Like, this view is crazy. 1.00

01:58:47.000 It's beautiful.

01:58:48.000 Like, stunning.

01:58:51.000 But if that keeps going, right, then it becomes this monolithic, huge favela, like, you know, some crazy, like, completely stuffed with people, and chickens and dogs running around, and, I mean, like, all these future dystopia movies,

01:59:06.000 they're all, everything's all, it's not like everything's amazing in the future.

01:59:09.000 We have these huge, super-populated cities and everything's perfect.

01:59:12.000 No!

01:59:12.000 It's all, like, way more crime, way more craziness.

01:59:17.000 Ugh.

01:59:23.000 Well, it's just thinking.

01:59:24.000 I think people are improving and you think people are improving.

01:59:27.000 Yeah.

01:59:27.000 We both do.

01:59:28.000 We think life's improving.

01:59:29.000 Does that mean you're kidding?

01:59:31.000 No, no, no.

01:59:32.000 But I'm saying there is a problem with the numbers.

01:59:35.000 The actual raw numbers of us.

01:59:38.000 Like, if you go back just a few decades, the amount of people was like 5 billion less.

01:59:45.000 I mean, it's not that long.

01:59:47.000 I mean, I think you go back to like the 80s.

01:59:51.000 We've done this before, and I know.

01:59:53.000 I always forget, and I probably should remember.

01:59:55.000 But what was world population in 1985?

01:59:58.000 That's when I got out of high school.

02:00:00.000 I want to say it was less than three billion.

02:00:03.000 That's what I want to say.

02:00:05.000 No?

02:00:05.000 I'm wrong?

02:00:06.000 Five billion?

02:00:07.000 A little less than five billion?

02:00:09.000 Okay.

02:00:10.000 I feel a little bit better.

02:00:12.000 Anyway, during that time, from 1985 to 2018, it's now...

02:00:16.000 Is it seven billion, or has it hit eight?

02:00:20.000 Because the world population was real close to eight.

02:00:23.000 Seven? 1.00

02:00:24.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

02:00:25.000 That's a lot of people. 1.00

02:00:26.000 That's gaining more than two billion people in just a few decades.

02:00:32.000 So you keep doing that.

02:00:33.000 You do that a few decades more.

02:00:35.000 Does it accelerate?

02:00:36.000 You must, because there's two billion more people having people.

02:00:39.000 So it's got to accelerate exponentially.

02:00:42.000 Every problem you list, I feel like I connect it right back to old people. 1.00

02:00:45.000 Like, the population...

02:00:47.000 We just live in a society that, oh, we have kids, have kids.

02:00:50.000 No one goes, hey, well, learn about yourself.

02:00:52.000 And when you really know what your patients are, then if you start, you'll see it a certain time.

02:00:55.000 You might be, no, no one, just that type of, you have to have kids, okay, that's older people, you know, that put that thought out there.

02:01:03.000 The energy problem, if, like, kids were, if we were just letting kids lead, we'd have electric cars already.

02:01:09.000 You know, like, they already had that information back then, and we just...

02:01:14.000 The real problem with electric cars are the batteries.

02:01:17.000 Oh, that's true.

02:01:18.000 But what about just...

02:01:20.000 Elon Musk is pretty much at the top of the heap when it comes to figuring out electric car technology.

02:01:25.000 I don't think there's anybody that's ever had it nailed down like him before.

02:01:28.000 I mean, there's a few different car companies that make really good electric cars.

02:01:31.000 Fisker makes a really good one.

02:01:33.000 But the technology is reliant upon those batteries.

02:01:37.000 This is not something we could have had 30 years ago.

02:01:40.000 What about solar power?

02:01:41.000 Solar power is absolutely viable, and especially in California, where it's never raining.

02:01:46.000 I mean, it's been raining out here for a few days, and everybody's like, this is amazing.

02:01:48.000 It's like we're living in Seattle. 0.91

02:01:50.000 Everything's all green and shit, but it's sunny most of the time, and we could just be collecting energy for that. 0.91

02:01:56.000 Political issues with that, there's like, you know, you'd have to get the infrastructure ready. 0.95

02:02:00.000 You'd have to, you could sell back to the grid.

02:02:03.000 There's that.

02:02:03.000 You know, people do do that.

02:02:05.000 There's a lot of, like, difficulty, though.

02:02:07.000 Apparently, Brian Callen went through that when he got his house solar-powered, and he said, is it really a lot of red tape?

02:02:13.000 And he goes, and it seems like they're trying to discourage you from doing it and make it difficult for you to do it.

02:02:18.000 For you to switch over to electric.

02:02:19.000 Because he had his installed and hooked up for months before it got switched on with the grid.

02:02:25.000 It was like a real issue.

02:02:27.000 And then, even more so, I think, if you want to go off-grid.

02:02:30.000 So you can use solar power and have no connection to the grid.

02:02:34.000 That's a slippery slope.

02:02:35.000 And in some places, I don't know if you can do that.

02:02:38.000 I think some places might actually prevent you from doing that, which is really weird.

02:02:42.000 They can prevent you.

02:02:43.000 You will only use our logs!

02:02:45.000 No one else's logs should be in your hearth! 0.93

02:02:49.000 Our logs!

02:02:51.000 Basically, that's what they're saying.

02:02:53.000 That is what they're saying.

02:02:55.000 Because that's not the tone they say.

02:02:56.000 You can't say, hey man, I don't need your power anymore, but thanks.

02:02:59.000 No, you will be on all grid.

02:03:00.000 How do you think they would sell that?

02:03:02.000 Just guessing.

02:03:04.000 How do they make that make sense?

02:03:05.000 They would have to have some regulations. 0.98

02:03:07.000 We don't know shit about your solar. 0.97

02:03:09.000 We don't know if it's dangerous. 0.98

02:03:12.000 We don't know what you're up to.

02:03:14.000 I mean, they can sell it in any way they want if they're doing it in order to save their constituents money or to, you know...

02:03:23.000 Do the bidding of whatever special interest group is lobbying for them to do it.

02:03:28.000 That's why they do those things. 0.55

02:03:29.000 They don't do those things because they make sense.

02:03:31.000 They don't do those things because they're logical.

02:03:33.000 Hey, don't get that free power.

02:03:37.000 Let me make it confusing to get that free power.

02:03:40.000 Make it real hard for you to turn on.

02:03:42.000 I'm just going to stretch it out a few months.

02:03:43.000 You've got to keep paying me for a few months.

02:03:44.000 If they can just do that with a million customers, You have three million more months of billable hours if they wanted to do it that way.

02:03:52.000 If they just made it a policy to act slower.

02:03:55.000 I don't know how it works, man.

02:03:57.000 But I know how money works.

02:03:59.000 I bet there's truth to what you're saying.

02:04:00.000 There has to be!

02:04:01.000 There's so much money involved.

02:04:03.000 They don't make power companies because they're altruistic, beautiful people who want everybody to watch TV. They do because they want that cash, baby! 0.98

02:04:12.000 That's why they're going to drill holes right next to the river. 0.98

02:04:14.000 Come on, that's why all the good stuff is. 1.00

02:04:16.000 Fuck the salmon! 1.00

02:04:18.000 They're just going to get in there and just start drilling. 1.00

02:04:20.000 They don't give a fuck, man. 1.00

02:04:22.000 People who just want money don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:04:26.000 This is what's the problem with guys like Trump. 0.99

02:04:28.000 This is what the problem with the guys like he brings in.

02:04:31.000 The number one thing is not making money.

02:04:33.000 The number one thing is sustainability.

02:04:35.000 That's the number one thing.

02:04:36.000 Living off the earth.

02:04:37.000 That's the number one thing.

02:04:38.000 Can we live off this earth?

02:04:40.000 Okay, good.

02:04:41.000 Number two thing, we gotta be safe.

02:04:43.000 Okay, how can we be safe?

02:04:44.000 Well, first of all, we need to be able to talk. 0.87

02:04:47.000 So freedom of speech is hugely fucking important when it comes to being safe. 0.51

02:04:51.000 You need to be able to say things without fear of repercussion. 0.82

02:04:53.000 You need to be able to communicate 100% honestly amongst each other so we can figure out how you really feel.

02:04:59.000 Tell me how you really feel about this, then I can understand you.

02:05:02.000 I don't really understand you yet because you're hiding how you really feel about life, parts of life. 0.66

02:05:08.000 That's where freedom of speech is so goddamn important.

02:05:10.000 Just one aspect of it being important. 0.82

02:05:12.000 Being able to protest about stuff. 0.99

02:05:13.000 All that shit. 1.00

02:05:15.000 Do you have to pee? 1.00

02:05:16.000 Is that what you wrote down?

02:05:16.000 No, no.

02:05:18.000 Who just did that? 0.82

02:05:20.000 Somebody just did that the other day and handed me a note.

02:05:22.000 I have to pee.

02:05:23.000 How long have we gone?

02:05:25.000 Oh, it was Pat Miletic, yeah.

02:05:27.000 It's 1.30.

02:05:28.000 What did we start at?

02:05:29.000 Like, 11.15?

02:05:30.000 So you do the math. 1.00

02:05:31.000 I'm too stupid for that. 1.00

02:05:32.000 Yeah, I already... 1.00

02:05:33.000 It's complicated, bro.

02:05:34.000 It's just me, too.

02:05:37.000 That's what we were talking about.

02:05:38.000 That's why you eat the food that you shouldn't be eating.

02:05:40.000 Same reason. 1.00

02:05:41.000 You got that fuck it gene. 1.00

02:05:44.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:05:45.000 After midnight, it's just bad. 1.00

02:05:46.000 Yeah, it's hard.

02:05:47.000 Oh, I do it sometimes.

02:05:48.000 I came home the other day from the ice house Saturday night, and I cooked a steak at one in the morning.

02:05:53.000 I got the cast iron skillet out, and I put some butter down. 0.98

02:05:59.000 I had steak and kimchi while I watched TV at 1 o'clock in the morning or whatever the fuck it was. 0.95

02:06:05.000 And it was delicious, right? 0.98

02:06:06.000 It was amazing.

02:06:08.000 I'm lucky that I... The reason I want to stop is not because I get sick.

02:06:12.000 I really have an iron stomach if there's such a thing.

02:06:15.000 That's good.

02:06:15.000 But it's just, you know, it still makes me feel a little bit, like, I don't get sick, but you feel a little heavy in the morning.

02:06:21.000 Dude, I took two whole days, yesterday and the day before, where I ate bullshit. 0.96

02:06:28.000 Yesterday, I ate egg rolls. 0.98

02:06:30.000 The day before, I had a big bowl of pasta, and I had a cupcake. 1.00

02:06:34.000 I just decided, fuck it. 0.99

02:06:36.000 It's Sunday, or Monday, or whatever it was. 1.00

02:06:39.000 Sunday and Monday.

02:06:40.000 Let's just have some fun. 0.99

02:06:41.000 So for two days, I just ate whatever the fuck I wanted. 0.97

02:06:43.000 I just decided, I want to do that. 0.99

02:06:45.000 I had the worst farts of my career.

02:06:49.000 I mean, of my career of farting.

02:06:54.000 These were the bombs to end all bombs.

02:06:57.000 My body's just not designed to do that anymore. 1.00

02:07:00.000 It just doesn't want to do that anymore because I've been eating so clean so regularly that just a couple of days of pasta and bullshit and egg rolls and my body was like, fuck you. 1.00

02:07:12.000 I felt lethargic. 0.99

02:07:14.000 I was like, I just want to sit down all the time. 0.98

02:07:17.000 My workout sucked.

02:07:18.000 It was hard to push myself. 0.96

02:07:20.000 I was like, wow.

02:07:21.000 Like, this is not good. 1.00

02:07:23.000 Like, eating bullshit. 1.00

02:07:24.000 This is what most people are doing. 1.00

02:07:26.000 Most people are doing all day. 1.00

02:07:27.000 They're eating candy bars and bullshit. 1.00

02:07:29.000 Me? 1.00

02:07:29.000 And they're not getting any nutrients. 1.00

02:07:32.000 You?

02:07:32.000 I mean, I... You eat candy bars?

02:07:34.000 Well, here's what...

02:07:36.000 I mean, I'll...

02:07:37.000 I eat very bad.

02:07:38.000 Why?

02:07:39.000 You should eat good.

02:07:41.000 You're a smart guy.

02:07:43.000 Why don't you approach it like you're taking in the artwork of these people who cook food for you?

02:07:49.000 Or learn how to cook yourself?

02:07:51.000 Here's the problem.

02:07:55.000 During the day, I eat great.

02:07:57.000 I juice every day.

02:07:58.000 Like kale, carrots, celery, ginger, beets, every single day.

02:08:02.000 So you don't eat terrible.

02:08:02.000 Well, no, that's just because my only thing I can do to say, okay, while I have this shitty diet, I can at least say to my body, like I think of myself as my body going, thank you for giving us some good stuff.

02:08:13.000 We wish you wouldn't eat that other shit, but thanks for something. 0.98

02:08:15.000 That's legit. 1.00

02:08:16.000 Every day I juice.

02:08:17.000 But then it gets bad late at night.

02:08:19.000 Right.

02:08:20.000 But that's good though.

02:08:22.000 So you're not all bad.

02:08:23.000 You have a lot of good habits.

02:08:24.000 Like you're very aware that you need nutrients.

02:08:26.000 When you do do that stuff and juice, one of the things that they say, we should probably look this up right now because I'm obviously not a nutrition expert, but I'm pretty sure they say that vitamins are absorbed better when you have them with some healthy fat.

02:08:41.000 So I think they recommend coconut oil.

02:08:44.000 If you have some coconut oil with vegetables, when you drink vegetable juice, it actually can enhance the absorption of some of the vitamins.

02:08:51.000 Wow, that's good to know.

02:08:52.000 Yeah, so some people mix it in or mix MCT oil, medium-chain triglyceride oil.

02:08:58.000 Fat-soluble vitamins.

02:08:59.000 You won't get enough vitamin D from drinking vegetable juice.

02:09:02.000 It's found mainly in fatty cheese, fatty fish, cheese, mushrooms, egg yolks, beef liver, and fortified foods.

02:09:08.000 You need vitamin D. That's a...

02:09:11.000 Yeah, they're just saying that vitamin D is very difficult to get if you're vegan.

02:09:16.000 That's all that's saying.

02:09:17.000 I do eat food, too.

02:09:18.000 The thing is, at night, I'm so hungry.

02:09:22.000 I'll go to the Vons.

02:09:23.000 I'll be like, well, listen, I'm going to want candy no matter what.

02:09:26.000 And I had dinner at like 5.30.

02:09:28.000 This is like now at 9. So I don't really need dinner.

02:09:31.000 I ate dinner.

02:09:32.000 So I'd go, well, if I'm going to get dinner, I'm going to want candy.

02:09:34.000 A second dinner, whatever you want to call it.

02:09:36.000 A second dinner.

02:09:36.000 A treat.

02:09:39.000 I know this is bad, but the last few weeks, I'll be there and I'll be like, you know what?

02:09:43.000 I'm gonna eat.

02:09:44.000 I'm gonna want candy.

02:09:45.000 I'll just get candy.

02:09:46.000 And then I'm proud of myself.

02:09:49.000 You didn't need food and candy.

02:09:50.000 Get food or candy.

02:09:52.000 When I get candy, I get candy.

02:09:53.000 It's not like a bet.

02:09:54.000 Do you get like a jumbo Snickers bar?

02:09:56.000 What are you doing?

02:09:56.000 I told someone that helps out at the podcast when they're at the Vaughan's to get me a candy bar.

02:10:00.000 They brought me back a candy bar.

02:10:02.000 A little...

02:10:03.000 I'm like, are you...

02:10:04.000 What kind?

02:10:04.000 Oh, Reese's Cups, I said.

02:10:06.000 Get some Reese's Cups.

02:10:07.000 They brought back two Reese's Cups in a pack.

02:10:09.000 Oh, little ones?

02:10:10.000 Yeah, I go, when I say Reese's Cups, I mean a bag.

02:10:13.000 Like, I had this fantasy.

02:10:15.000 Now the fantasy that I had of eating Reese's Cups non-stop for 5-10 minutes is now gone.

02:10:21.000 Love, love Reese's Cups.

02:10:23.000 Do you like the double?

02:10:24.000 The big ones.

02:10:26.000 Yeah, the big thick ones.

02:10:29.000 And I like to have them with ice cream.

02:10:30.000 Oh, I've done that many times.

02:10:32.000 All kinds of ice cream.

02:10:33.000 Chocolate ice cream. 1.00

02:10:34.000 Fuck it, I'll have it with strawberry. 1.00

02:10:36.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00

02:10:37.000 I know, but what would we say no to? 1.00

02:10:39.000 Crazy, bro.

02:10:40.000 I know what I would rather have, but you take a double Reese's Cup, put it in the microwave for literally 10 seconds. 0.83

02:10:47.000 And then get the vanilla ice cream and just smash it on top.

02:10:49.000 It's absurd.

02:10:51.000 Absurd.

02:10:52.000 There's something about ice cream and some cakes, like a warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream.

02:10:57.000 Woo! 0.99

02:10:59.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:11:00.000 Chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream. 1.00

02:11:03.000 Oh my goodness.

02:11:04.000 A good warm chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.

02:11:07.000 Oh! 0.60

02:11:09.000 Apple pie, though, with cinnamon and vanilla ice cream. 0.99

02:11:12.000 Holy shit, Todd Glass. 1.00

02:11:14.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:11:16.000 Holy shit, that's good. 1.00

02:11:17.000 The French apple pie with vanilla ice cream. 1.00

02:11:21.000 Apple pie is American, motherfucker. 1.00

02:11:23.000 I don't know where you get this French shit from. 1.00

02:11:27.000 Here's what McDonald's should do. 1.00

02:11:29.000 Do they even have apples in France?

02:11:30.000 Speaking of apple pie...

02:11:33.000 McDonald's should do this.

02:11:34.000 Take a glass, a clear glass that you can see, right?

02:11:36.000 Right.

02:11:37.000 Picture the commercial.

02:11:38.000 They'll shoot it right.

02:11:39.000 Then put the apple pie in there.

02:11:41.000 Apple pie in a glass.

02:11:42.000 And then fill it with vanilla ice cream and put some caramel sauce and go, call it their apple pie a la mode.

02:11:47.000 And put a spoon and you get the apple pie, the vanilla ice cream, a little bit of sauce at the top too.

02:11:53.000 You shouldn't be telling them this on the show.

02:11:56.000 You should go to them with a proposal.

02:11:57.000 The Todd Glass apple pie a la mode.

02:12:00.000 It's a great idea.

02:12:01.000 And they have all the stuff there to need it.

02:12:03.000 You can be their spokesperson in the commercial.

02:12:04.000 This is my idea.

02:12:06.000 I think it's amazing.

02:12:07.000 Just do it that way.

02:12:08.000 Look.

02:12:09.000 Look on the side, there's the apple pie and the ice cream and some caramel sauce on the top.

02:12:13.000 Caramel sauce, dig in!

02:12:14.000 It's apple pie a la mode!

02:12:16.000 That's a great idea.

02:12:17.000 It is a good idea.

02:12:19.000 Especially if you could figure out how to nuke only the apple pie.

02:12:22.000 Well, they could.

02:12:23.000 So they'd have to put it together as they made.

02:12:24.000 No, the apple pie is already hot.

02:12:26.000 It's in there.

02:12:26.000 So they drop it in.

02:12:27.000 They drop it in hot.

02:12:27.000 And then drop the ice cream on top.

02:12:29.000 Drop the ice cream on top.

02:12:29.000 That's genius.

02:12:31.000 Takes a couple seconds to make, right?

02:12:33.000 You don't just grab it, you gotta drop one in there.

02:12:34.000 It's very easy to make.

02:12:36.000 Yeah.

02:12:36.000 Bang, bang.

02:12:37.000 It's their, their, yeah.

02:12:38.000 Right?

02:12:39.000 That's a great idea.

02:12:40.000 I know.

02:12:40.000 That's a really good...

02:12:41.000 That's the best idea I've ever heard on this podcast.

02:12:43.000 Thank you.

02:12:44.000 Oh, they have it.

02:12:44.000 This isn't McDonald's.

02:12:45.000 I used to work at a restaurant that made this exact dessert the way you're describing it.

02:12:50.000 In a glass?

02:12:50.000 Yeah, in the exact order.

02:12:51.000 Well, I'm not saying the idea is that...

02:12:53.000 Yeah, I know, but...

02:12:53.000 I'm saying it's that they have all the ingredients to do it.

02:12:55.000 They have those glasses.

02:12:56.000 They have apple pie.

02:12:58.000 Well, they should just serve it because I bet it would be a big seller.

02:13:00.000 Those apple pies are not bad either.

02:13:02.000 Those McDonald's apple pies, when you want one...

02:13:05.000 Those are not bad.

02:13:06.000 No.

02:13:07.000 What's that?

02:13:07.000 Two for a dollar.

02:13:08.000 Is that what they are?

02:13:08.000 Yeah.

02:13:09.000 Wow, that's pretty good.

02:13:10.000 Here's my bad... 0.98

02:13:11.000 I call it junk...

02:13:12.000 It's junk food.

02:13:12.000 It's food, but it's junk food.

02:13:14.000 Yeah.

02:13:14.000 But not candy.

02:13:15.000 Junk food.

02:13:15.000 Right.

02:13:16.000 So I like to get the biggest McDonald's hamburger there is.

02:13:19.000 Like, whatever it is that I can get on the menu.

02:13:20.000 I look, okay, can I get that with nothing on it?

02:13:22.000 Just a plain burger, no cheese, no nothing.

02:13:24.000 Okay.

02:13:25.000 Then I get an egg McMuffin.

02:13:26.000 You can either do two things.

02:13:28.000 One, you can take all the ingredients off the Egg McMuffin and put it in the hamburger.

02:13:32.000 So you have a hamburger with an egg, a piece of ham.

02:13:35.000 It's so good.

02:13:36.000 Or take the hamburger, put it, and let the Egg McMuffin be the bread.

02:13:40.000 But it's pretty good. 0.91

02:13:41.000 That sounds pretty goddamn good. 0.84

02:13:43.000 That sounds like you're doing God's work. 0.87

02:13:46.000 You're figuring out some stuff that they can't figure out.

02:13:48.000 They figured out some impressive things. 0.99

02:13:49.000 They figured out how to make a fucking juicy, delicious pancake that's the top of a McMuffin. 0.99

02:13:58.000 Those McGriddles. 1.00

02:13:59.000 That is one of my all-time favorite cheat foods. 1.00

02:14:02.000 A goddamn McGriddle. 1.00

02:14:03.000 Those are fucking delicious. 1.00

02:14:05.000 You want to talk about like... 1.00

02:14:07.000 The good feeling in your mouth for a buck, like how much bang you get for your buck, if you're hungry with the cheese and the egg, holy shit! 0.99

02:14:16.000 Here's my point, how much I agree with you. 0.99

02:14:18.000 And we're not saying the ingredients or anything.

02:14:20.000 If you took that McGriddle, I say this with a lot of foods.

02:14:23.000 I'm just using this as an example because you just said that actual item.

02:14:26.000 But I say this with a lot of things.

02:14:29.000 Take that McGriddle, put it on a chopping block at a French restaurant, and then all you do is put that McGriddle on the chopping block, and then maybe put some syrup all over it, deliver it to a table. 0.96

02:14:39.000 No one's going to go, it's good, but it's not like it's food. 1.00

02:14:43.000 No, they're going to go, shut the fuck up. 0.99

02:14:45.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

02:14:46.000 You know what I say about Papa John's?

02:14:49.000 Cinnamon things they do. 0.64

02:14:50.000 You know where they take the bread, they put the...

02:14:52.000 It's not only they put the butter on it, but then the vanilla glaze all over it.

02:14:55.000 They put it in the oven.

02:14:56.000 If you were anywhere, they'd go, oh, at about 6 in the morning, they put the fresh cinnamon tarts out, you know?

02:15:03.000 And then you took a Papa John's, put it on.

02:15:05.000 No one would eat it and go, it's good, it's sugary, it's doing the job.

02:15:09.000 They'd go, what?!

02:15:10.000 What if you had a McGriddle with ice cream on it?

02:15:14.000 Wow!

02:15:16.000 Ice cream in between.

02:15:18.000 Like in between the layers, you put the McGriddle down with the sausage.

02:15:22.000 It'd be absurd. 0.98

02:15:22.000 It'd be fucking amazing. 0.98

02:15:24.000 Oh, sausage? 0.99

02:15:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:15:24.000 Oh, I didn't think of the sausage. 0.99

02:15:26.000 Sausage McGriddle.

02:15:27.000 I just thought the bread and the syrup and stuff.

02:15:29.000 No, the whole bag.

02:15:30.000 Sausage?

02:15:31.000 I mean, that would...

02:15:32.000 Let's see.

02:15:33.000 I don't know.

02:15:33.000 What do you not say?

02:15:34.000 Let's see.

02:15:35.000 You could definitely do it.

02:15:37.000 I've always loved Hawaiian pizza.

02:15:39.000 The pineapple and ham together.

02:15:41.000 Yeah, me too.

02:15:41.000 Some people...

02:15:42.000 You know what?

02:15:43.000 I'll argue social issues, because I think there's a good side of it.

02:15:48.000 But some people, I'm okay to let go when people go, I can't believe someone would like pineapple and pizza.

02:15:52.000 Okay!

02:15:53.000 Right.

02:15:54.000 I can't believe you like the pixies.

02:15:56.000 Jesus.

02:16:00.000 Is this okay?

02:16:01.000 You know what I really love?

02:16:02.000 I'm a pineapple.

02:16:04.000 Pineapple and anchovy.

02:16:07.000 I know it sounds disgusting.

02:16:09.000 It tastes amazing.

02:16:11.000 It's one of my all-time favorite pizzas.

02:16:12.000 It might be my all-time.

02:16:14.000 Mine's pineapple and sliced sausage.

02:16:17.000 What are you watching, Jamie?

02:16:17.000 This is a McGriddle.

02:16:20.000 Oh, this is how they make it?

02:16:21.000 No, being rolled into those rolled ice cream things that's popular right now.

02:16:24.000 Oh.

02:16:25.000 It's almost what you just described, but not quite, and it looks actually kind of gross.

02:16:29.000 So they froze it and then turned it into those things?

02:16:31.000 Yeah, you're seeing those...

02:16:32.000 And they chopped it up and flattened it out.

02:16:35.000 It's like barely food.

02:16:36.000 It's so...

02:16:37.000 It's barely food.

02:16:38.000 That's so weird.

02:16:39.000 What is it?

02:16:40.000 Wow.

02:16:41.000 So it's not the inside of the McGriddle.

02:16:45.000 No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:16:45.000 It's just the outside.

02:16:46.000 As it starts over here again.

02:16:47.000 And they turned it into this thing.

02:16:48.000 Does McDonald's do it?

02:16:49.000 Yeah, well that makes sense. 1.00

02:16:51.000 If it's the inside of the McGriddle because it's all, I mean the outside rather, because it's all just that doughy shit anyway. 0.98

02:16:56.000 Oh, so they poured the batter on it and then shot it. 0.98

02:16:58.000 Oh, it is everything.

02:16:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:16:59.000 It's the meat too.

02:17:00.000 Oh, that's crazy.

02:17:02.000 How weird.

02:17:03.000 It might be good, but I don't know.

02:17:05.000 It might be good.

02:17:06.000 Yeah.

02:17:06.000 Look, it's probably an interesting way to eat.

02:17:09.000 I mean, it's no different than what you're doing when you're masticating it.

02:17:13.000 Right.

02:17:14.000 That's what you're doing.

02:17:15.000 You're making that out of it.

02:17:16.000 It's just making that already.

02:17:18.000 It's just maybe you don't want to see it.

02:17:19.000 I found out this past weekend that ground beef was invented by the Mongols.

02:17:23.000 Ground meat.

02:17:24.000 I went to see the Genghis Khan exhibit at the Reagan Library. 1.00

02:17:29.000 Fuck living back then, dude. 0.99

02:17:30.000 You think it'd be hard to start over as an open mic comic? 1.00

02:17:34.000 Imagine starting off in a Mongol camp. 0.94

02:17:36.000 Wait, why was ground beef invented?

02:17:38.000 They invented ground beef, apparently.

02:17:39.000 Mongols invented... 0.97

02:17:41.000 The Mongol Empire is either indirectly responsible, directly responsible, or they invented, like, a shitload of things. 0.96

02:17:47.000 And what year would that be?

02:17:48.000 What year would it be?

02:17:49.000 I think that was, like, the 1200s that they existed, that they first came to be.

02:17:55.000 Just before that, they just ate steak?

02:17:57.000 No, I mean, look, they all...

02:17:58.000 Whatever you call it.

02:18:00.000 I think they probably just, yeah, they just probably cooked meat and just ate the meat. 0.99

02:18:04.000 And then someone figured out, well, you could take tough cuts, because they would eat, you know, whatever the fuck they could. 0.98

02:18:09.000 Take a tough cut and grind it up. 0.98

02:18:11.000 You can cook it and eat it easier.

02:18:13.000 So they figured that out.

02:18:14.000 You don't eat meat, right?

02:18:15.000 I eat a lot of meat.

02:18:16.000 Oh, you do?

02:18:16.000 Yeah, why did you think I wouldn't eat meat?

02:18:18.000 I don't know.

02:18:19.000 You think meat's bad for you?

02:18:22.000 Are you one of those guys?

02:18:23.000 Well, no, no, no.

02:18:23.000 I would say free.

02:18:25.000 I would just say...

02:18:26.000 I always am open to listen to new things to sway my opinion, but...

02:18:32.000 I like the stance of, I heard someone talking about at least free range.

02:18:37.000 Now, I know the opposing view on that too, but I just thought, you know, if you're thinking, I get it, that there is a food chain.

02:18:43.000 This is what I heard this person speaking.

02:18:45.000 I'm not saying it, but it made sense to me.

02:18:48.000 No, there is a food chain, and we don't have to torture animals, of course, but there is this.

02:18:52.000 But, you know, untortured animals, then I would be like, if I was going to eat meat, I do eat meat.

02:18:59.000 But I wish I did it that way.

02:19:00.000 I'd be proud of myself if I committed.

02:19:02.000 When I hear someone that does that, I'm like, oh, I have admiration for that.

02:19:08.000 Would you ever consider killing an animal that you were going to eat?

02:19:11.000 Would you ever consider raising a cow and killing it? 0.92

02:19:15.000 I couldn't. 0.93

02:19:16.000 But I don't...

02:19:17.000 What about hunting?

02:19:18.000 Do you think you could hunt?

02:19:19.000 No.

02:19:20.000 No?

02:19:21.000 No.

02:19:22.000 Could you?

02:19:23.000 Oh, you've hunted.

02:19:24.000 I do, yeah.

02:19:24.000 Yeah, but I'm not...

02:19:26.000 I just couldn't hunt.

02:19:28.000 I'm not proper hunting.

02:19:30.000 You just don't want it?

02:19:31.000 Yeah.

02:19:31.000 It's not something you're interested in?

02:19:32.000 I'd be too scared.

02:19:33.000 Listen, there's nothing wrong with that.

02:19:35.000 Yeah.

02:19:37.000 It's like...

02:19:38.000 I shot a guy in the face once at camp.

02:19:40.000 You shot a man in Reno? 0.96

02:19:42.000 I shot a man in Reno.

02:19:43.000 Remember, when he's singing that song, he goes, in prison, which I like that he went back and performed there.

02:19:48.000 They don't have to be lost.

02:19:51.000 And then he goes, I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

02:19:55.000 And they all go, whoo!

02:19:56.000 Well, let's not glorify them.

02:19:59.000 What if Johnny Cash said that?

02:20:01.000 Listen, I'm here.

02:20:02.000 Guys, guys.

02:20:04.000 I'm bummed out about it.

02:20:05.000 Yeah, I'm bummed out.

02:20:07.000 I'm singing it.

02:20:08.000 It's not good.

02:20:09.000 Didn't someone just do a stand-up special inside a prison?

02:20:11.000 Jeff Ross.

02:20:13.000 Jeff Ross did, but another comic did.

02:20:15.000 A black comic.

02:20:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:20:18.000 Ali Sadiq.

02:20:20.000 John Van Wagner?

02:20:21.000 Is that it?

02:20:21.000 Yeah.

02:20:22.000 Is that how you say his name?

02:20:24.000 I think so.

02:20:26.000 Wow.

02:20:27.000 I like the background you have behind you more than the background behind me.

02:20:32.000 You look at the screens.

02:20:36.000 What's it called?

02:20:38.000 I think I do have to go to the bathroom.

02:20:40.000 It's bigger than these bars.

02:20:41.000 Oh, nice.

02:20:42.000 You've got to use the bathroom.

02:20:43.000 Go ahead.

02:20:44.000 Don't worry about it.

02:20:44.000 You're not going to say anything.

02:20:45.000 No, we could wrap this up, too.

02:20:47.000 I was going to ask you about this while you go to the bathroom, if that's okay.

02:20:51.000 Okay.

02:20:52.000 This Mongol eating meat thing. 1.00

02:20:53.000 I just pulled up this article from the New York Times.

02:20:55.000 It said that horse meat being tenderized under their saddle is a myth.

02:21:00.000 I don't know if that's the same way.

02:21:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:21:03.000 I don't...

02:21:04.000 Tenderized under their saddle?

02:21:05.000 Yeah, it said that it was...

02:21:06.000 Steak tartare was horse meat dish that originated from the horse-eating Mongols of Central Asia, who swept across the East and Central Europe 800 years ago. 0.93

02:21:14.000 The most common tales of the tartar...

02:21:16.000 The tater...

02:21:18.000 How would you say that?

02:21:19.000 Tater...

02:21:19.000 Totter?

02:21:20.000 T-A-T-A-R? Horsemen would put a slice of horse meat beneath their saddle in the morning and retrieve it, tenderized by the pounding, to eat raw for dinner.

02:21:28.000 They supposedly left their raw meat-eating habit behind, and according to one version of the story, it was carried by the German sailors to Hamburg, where the taste for ground beef began, begat both hamburgers and steak tartare.

02:21:42.000 Huh.

02:21:43.000 That's interesting.

02:21:44.000 Is that where Neil Hamburger, is that where Hamburger came from?

02:21:48.000 That guy that goes, Hamburger?

02:21:50.000 I don't know.

02:21:50.000 I'm just kidding.

02:21:50.000 Go ahead.

02:21:51.000 Use the bathroom.

02:21:51.000 It's cool.

02:21:52.000 Is that okay?

02:21:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:21:53.000 Go ahead.

02:21:53.000 I wanted to ask about that because that's interesting.

02:21:55.000 I wonder if the Reagan Library has old information in their exhibit.

02:22:00.000 It says it's been passed around as a myth since like 1924. Yeah, but you can't just say that if you're running a museum.

02:22:06.000 You should probably know that that's not true.

02:22:08.000 Unless they figured out chopped meat and this is not the same thing.

02:22:12.000 Right.

02:22:13.000 Maybe originally it was...

02:22:14.000 But I would feel like if someone...

02:22:17.000 Wanted to do that, that would be a way to tenderize meat. 0.98

02:22:21.000 Yeah, well, I mean, with the same restaurant I was describing that I worked at before was a Mongolian barbecue grill where we'd cook with swords, literal metal swords on a flat top when it was supposed to be representing the shields that the Mongols would cook on back in the eight hunt, whatever.

02:22:36.000 And they were just shredding meat.

02:22:37.000 That's the only way you could do it.

02:22:38.000 So they were shredding beef.

02:22:39.000 I don't know if it's ground, but like definitely shredded.

02:22:42.000 So it's almost the same thing.

02:22:43.000 When we cooked in the field with Ranella for the first time, when we shot a deer, he pounded it flat.

02:22:51.000 He took a chunk of the back strap and then put it in between.

02:22:55.000 I forget what he put it in between, but pounded it flat before he cooked it to tenderize it and break it down a little bit.

02:23:01.000 I just watched a video of a guy pounding an aluminum foil roll and making a knife out of it. 0.99

02:23:06.000 Fucking badass. 0.99

02:23:07.000 Like a knife like a shiv or a shank? 1.00

02:23:10.000 I know you like to watch knife making things.

02:23:13.000 Yeah.

02:23:14.000 It's just like it.

02:23:14.000 It's a 10-minute video of him literally taking the whole roll.

02:23:17.000 Pull it up.

02:23:18.000 I want to see that.

02:23:19.000 That's crazy.

02:23:20.000 Some dude made a knife out of an aluminum foil roll. 0.99

02:23:24.000 That's when you really want to fuck somebody up. 0.99

02:23:27.000 But you're trapped in a restaurant. 0.99

02:23:29.000 Hey, I have a question.

02:23:30.000 Go ahead.

02:23:31.000 Oh, he probably should go for the claws.

02:23:34.000 Look at this.

02:23:35.000 Look at this guy.

02:23:36.000 He's going to hammer down this aluminum foil until he can turn into a knife.

02:23:40.000 He did it all like in a kitchen, too.

02:23:41.000 He just uses a regular old stove, gas stove, to heat it up.

02:23:46.000 So did he just hammer it down and then fold it?

02:23:48.000 Is that what he did?

02:23:48.000 No, he leaves it here.

02:23:49.000 I'll just kind of skip ahead so you can see.

02:23:50.000 It is a good idea for bed, unless you were trying to use that to build your kids a fort.

02:23:55.000 Then you're a nice person.

02:23:56.000 You bake a hammer.

02:23:57.000 Whoa, he turned it into metal that he could saw.

02:24:00.000 This is crazy. 1.00

02:24:02.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:24:03.000 He spent a lot of time sharpening it down. 0.99

02:24:05.000 This is crazy.

02:24:06.000 Whoa, this is nuts.

02:24:08.000 So he turned it into a real piece of aluminum.

02:24:10.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:24:12.000 Wow. 1.00

02:24:13.000 That is fucking bananas. 1.00

02:24:15.000 And he sharpened it? 1.00

02:24:16.000 That is crazy.

02:24:19.000 Wow!

02:24:20.000 Gave it a handle.

02:24:21.000 Oh my god!

02:24:23.000 And then at the end puts it in a package and shows like chopping stuff.

02:24:26.000 I mean, you must be so weak though.

02:24:28.000 I mean...

02:24:29.000 It's aluminum.

02:24:30.000 Oh, he sells it?

02:24:31.000 It probably might rust easily.

02:24:33.000 Why would you want to buy it?

02:24:33.000 Why would you care?

02:24:34.000 I want to buy it just because I'm an asshole. 1.00

02:24:35.000 I want to buy an aluminum foil knife. 1.00

02:24:38.000 I need it.

02:24:39.000 I need it.

02:24:40.000 Every time people come over to the house, you go, this knife is made out of aluminum foil.

02:24:46.000 I have a video we want you to watch.

02:24:48.000 He made a knife out of pasta?

02:24:49.000 Oh, he makes knives out of pasta. 1.00

02:24:52.000 What about the story that Chris Ryan told about the guy who made a knife out of shit and it was a frozen shit knife to kill one of his dogs because he was like a sled dogger and he was starving to death. 1.00

02:25:04.000 Wow. 1.00

02:25:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:05.000 Was that true, or did he carve his way out of an ice hole with a shit shovel? 1.00

02:25:11.000 It's one of those. 1.00

02:25:13.000 A frozen shit shovel. 0.99

02:25:15.000 You're the only guy that comes with notes. 1.00

02:25:17.000 You know what?

02:25:18.000 Can I plug some dates?

02:25:20.000 Sure.

02:25:21.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:25:21.000 Definitely.

02:25:22.000 Okay, so I'll get through this real quick.

02:25:23.000 Tell people about your special first.

02:25:25.000 I have an hour special on Netflix.

02:25:27.000 It's called Act Happy.

02:25:28.000 I wanted to call it Suck My Pigeon Dick, but I was the only one that was raising my hand for that. 0.94

02:25:33.000 I wish I was there. 0.98

02:25:33.000 I would have backed you up. 0.98

02:25:35.000 It's a joke in the act.

02:25:36.000 Right, and who the hell would have not forgotten?

02:25:38.000 I know, right?

02:25:39.000 Right? 1.00

02:25:39.000 Suck my pigeon dick? 1.00

02:25:41.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

02:25:41.000 Can I tell you something? 1.00

02:25:42.000 The last time I wanted, two times, and I don't tell any stories like, you know, oh, this person, no, no, this is two things I think, and I think I would have learned my lesson because my book I wanted to call, I wanted to call my book All I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl with a terminal disease. 0.90

02:26:01.000 And then other stupid things I said to keep the closet door shut.

02:26:05.000 I would add that as a subtitle, even though I hated the word closet. 0.96

02:26:08.000 That's how I tried to sell it to him, because I hate closet and anything to do with any words, you know, of that, of this, and out.

02:26:15.000 So I go, okay, if I can call it, all I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl.

02:26:19.000 The first title was with cancer.

02:26:20.000 All I ever wanted to do was meet a nice girl with cancer. 1.00

02:26:25.000 And other stupid things I said to keep the closet door shut. 0.99

02:26:29.000 Because there's a story in there about me, literally, me and my friend, you know. 0.99

02:26:32.000 So it does make sense, and it's not mean, it's not insulting cancer.

02:26:36.000 I think that still should have been the title of the book. 0.89

02:26:38.000 The problem is people are going to see it and go, oh, he's just a mean guy that wants girls to die. 0.99

02:26:44.000 That's the boiled down dumb version of it before they look into it. 0.99

02:26:48.000 Isn't that funny? 0.98

02:26:49.000 You didn't even consider that?

02:26:50.000 I didn't even consider that.

02:26:51.000 So they're right.

02:26:52.000 Well, you're wishing...

02:26:54.000 How about terminal disease?

02:26:56.000 No, you're right. 1.00

02:26:56.000 It rings of a dumb guy writing a book. 1.00

02:26:59.000 I want to suck my dick and then die of cancer! 1.00

02:27:02.000 Ow! 1.00

02:27:05.000 You know what?

02:27:07.000 I'm stubborn in certain ways, but in other ways, all you've got to do is cleanly explain something to me.

02:27:13.000 Oh, yeah, they're right.

02:27:15.000 I don't want to call it that.

02:27:16.000 I never thought about that, for the wrong audience to see it on a shelf somewhere.

02:27:22.000 I think we should all be able to change our opinions about things.

02:27:24.000 I try hard to work on that.

02:27:26.000 I do too.

02:27:26.000 I think it's a big thing about being a person.

02:27:28.000 Be able to look at things and not think that you are those ideas.

02:27:32.000 You're a person.

02:27:33.000 You're not those ideas.

02:27:34.000 Just because you thought of it and you subscribed to it and you believed in it at one point in time, don't let it define you.

02:27:41.000 It's just an idea.

02:27:42.000 And if it's wrong...

02:27:43.000 Be honest about it and say, this is why I thought it was real.

02:27:46.000 And people will respect that, because they'll know that when you're talking, you're saying what's really on your mind, whether you're right or whether you're wrong.

02:27:54.000 You might be incorrect, but if you are incorrect, you're going to let them know you're incorrect.

02:27:57.000 And you know what?

02:27:58.000 The way to look at that, I think, and I remind myself every time I talk about this stuff, to say...

02:28:04.000 How many of the things are you doing because they're right or you just think time equals validity?

02:28:10.000 Right.

02:28:10.000 Because there probably are some things that you should have been doing for the last 40 years.

02:28:14.000 So let's not go issue by issue.

02:28:15.000 Here's a wider scope for someone to put themselves under fair judgment.

02:28:19.000 If you're 45 years old and you haven't had...

02:28:21.000 I'm just throwing out numbers.

02:28:22.000 I'm okay to up or down the number, but you'll get the gist of what I'm saying.

02:28:25.000 If you're 45 years old and...

02:28:29.000 What are we talking about?

02:28:30.000 I'm sorry, I got high, but if you remind me, I'll go right back.

02:28:33.000 I'm not exactly sure where you were going with it. 0.99

02:28:38.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:28:39.000 Marijuana. 1.00

02:28:40.000 It's that goddamn spray. 1.00

02:28:41.000 Marijuana? 1.00

02:28:41.000 I don't even fuck her. 1.00

02:28:43.000 Nothing. 1.00

02:28:45.000 Jamie, what was he talking about?

02:28:47.000 Oh, no.

02:28:49.000 No.

02:28:49.000 We'll figure it out.

02:28:50.000 Don't worry about it.

02:28:51.000 I want to do so...

02:28:51.000 And then I have to plug these dates, and I want to remember that.

02:28:54.000 Well, we were talking about people being nicer to each other.

02:28:58.000 We're talking about Being able to change your...

02:29:02.000 Your comedy special, being able to change your opinions on things.

02:29:05.000 And I think it's very important to be able to just change your opinion and that you are not your ideas.

02:29:10.000 Change your opinion.

02:29:12.000 Just because you believe something doesn't mean you should be locked into it because...

02:29:16.000 Oh, oh, I remember.

02:29:17.000 Okay.

02:29:17.000 A good way to judge yourself is to go...

02:29:19.000 If you're 45 years old and you haven't maybe in the last so many years changed your view on something, how about we start with that?

02:29:26.000 We won't even take issue at hand.

02:29:28.000 Right.

02:29:28.000 Well, what does that say?

02:29:29.000 There's no way that you shouldn't be changing something.

02:29:32.000 You definitely should.

02:29:32.000 Right.

02:29:33.000 So if it's not, it doesn't have to be everything.

02:29:35.000 But we'd say in a 10-year period, were there two things that you were adamant about?

02:29:39.000 Maybe in two areas.

02:29:40.000 Not everything.

02:29:41.000 Sometimes you're right because you're right.

02:29:43.000 But if you can honestly, not just outwardly to be right in an argument, go, yeah, I changed my opinion.

02:29:47.000 But go inward.

02:29:48.000 No one's around.

02:29:49.000 Be honest with yourself. 0.99

02:29:50.000 And then you might be able to go in the dark of your own asking yourself, go, fuck, I guess I really haven't. 0.99

02:29:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:29:57.000 And then be aware of it, and then there starts your change.

02:29:59.000 We'll be back right after this.

02:30:01.000 Joe Rogan's our guest.

02:30:02.000 He'll be at the...

02:30:07.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:30:09.000 And folks, let me just say to you, if you're in a place where Todd Glass is performing, he's one of the best stand-up comics working in America today.

02:30:17.000 He's a very funny guy.

02:30:18.000 And I do it right.

02:30:19.000 I get the two-piece.

02:30:20.000 Even when you're being sat, there's a two-piece.

02:30:22.000 It's all right the minute you get in there.

02:30:24.000 Okay, Jazz Texas.

02:30:25.000 I'm going to go to a jazz club.

02:30:26.000 It's not even a comedy club.

02:30:28.000 They reached out.

02:30:28.000 So in April 22nd and 23rd.

02:30:32.000 Where's that?

02:30:32.000 It's in San Antonio.

02:30:34.000 Ah, yeah.

02:30:35.000 Jazz, Texas.

02:30:36.000 I liked it. 0.99

02:30:38.000 Plus, if shit gets crazy, you're real close to Mexico. 0.99

02:30:40.000 Right. 1.00

02:30:41.000 Just make a mad run across the border.

02:30:46.000 You're right there.

02:30:47.000 How far is it from San Antonio to Texas?

02:30:49.000 I don't know. 0.98

02:30:49.000 I think they could shoot each other. 0.98

02:30:52.000 Did I say to Texas? 0.99

02:30:54.000 I meant Mexico, yeah.

02:30:55.000 Did I say Texas when I was telling him, too?

02:30:57.000 No, the first time you said it, right.

02:30:58.000 Okay.

02:30:58.000 If you're that close to Mexico, Like, what's the closest city we have?

02:31:03.000 Is it Laredo?

02:31:04.000 El Paso?

02:31:05.000 El Paso's the closest?

02:31:06.000 I've been to El Paso.

02:31:08.000 I heard El Paso, like, bullets have hit buildings.

02:31:12.000 Like, the buildings in El Paso, bullets from, like, the drug war have hit.

02:31:16.000 What is that, Juarez?

02:31:18.000 Is Juarez right next to El Paso?

02:31:19.000 Juarez is a particularly dangerous place.

02:31:22.000 I don't need to go there.

02:31:24.000 But, hey!

02:31:25.000 Don't go there!

02:31:26.000 Go see Todd Glass!

02:31:27.000 Todd, where are you performing next?

02:31:30.000 Okay.

02:31:30.000 That's why I'm trying to do it fast.

02:31:32.000 I always feel guilty about plugs.

02:31:34.000 No, don't.

02:31:34.000 Well, where's your website?

02:31:37.000 ToddglassComedy at Gmail.

02:31:38.000 You don't even know what it is?

02:31:39.000 Well, I think it's that.

02:31:40.000 Probably ToddglassComedy. 0.99

02:31:41.000 No, Toddglass at Gmail.

02:31:43.000 Toddglass? 0.70

02:31:43.000 No, not your email address. 0.70

02:31:45.000 Your website address.

02:31:47.000 Oh, Todd.

02:31:49.000 I'm not thinking very clearly.

02:31:50.000 No worries.

02:31:51.000 Toddglass.com or something.

02:31:53.000 Toddglass.com.

02:31:54.000 Maybe that's what it should say.

02:31:55.000 Okay, that's what it should say.

02:31:56.000 Okay.

02:31:57.000 Then I'll be at the Blue Room.

02:31:59.000 I hate reading.

02:32:01.000 The Blue Room in Springfield, Missouri.

02:32:05.000 And that's the 7th through the 9th of June.

02:32:07.000 Two more.

02:32:08.000 That's right.

02:32:09.000 Blue Room.

02:32:10.000 I like the pictures.

02:32:11.000 Royal Comedy Theater in Hopkins, Missouri.

02:32:17.000 It's the Royal Comedy Theater.

02:32:21.000 This place is one of them.

02:32:22.000 I love it.

02:32:23.000 And then it's in Hopkins.

02:32:25.000 Am I saying that right?

02:32:27.000 Missouri?

02:32:28.000 Minnesota. 1.00

02:32:29.000 He's going to punch me in the face. 0.99

02:32:31.000 June 21st through the 24th. 0.83

02:32:33.000 And then you're at the Stir Crazy Comedy Club in Arizona.

02:32:36.000 Glendale, Arizona.

02:32:37.000 Come on down! 1.00

02:32:38.000 Sunset Boulevard in Glendale.

02:32:41.000 Thank you.

02:32:41.000 Stir Crazy in Arizona.

02:32:43.000 That just now, what I just did, no lie, my heartbeat is...

02:32:46.000 Exhausting.

02:32:47.000 Exhausting.

02:32:48.000 Yeah, because you're funny.

02:32:49.000 You don't want to do that.

02:32:50.000 You just want to be yourself.

02:32:51.000 And also, reading it was so difficult.

02:32:53.000 So hard.

02:32:54.000 How do people do it?

02:32:56.000 You were reading pretty good off the TV. I don't know how I did it.

02:32:58.000 I was in a trance.

02:33:00.000 All right, brother.

02:33:01.000 Well, that was very fun.

02:33:02.000 That was great.

02:33:03.000 That was so much fun.

02:33:04.000 It was very fun.

02:33:05.000 Toddglass.com.

02:33:07.000 Go see him.

02:33:08.000 And Netflix special out right now. 0.99

02:33:10.000 Suck My Pigeon Dick. 0.99

02:33:11.000 Right? 1.00

02:33:12.000 Yes.

02:33:13.000 Act happy.

02:33:14.000 Don't look for Suck My Pigeon Dick. 0.95

02:33:15.000 Maybe the Netflix will give in. 0.99

02:33:18.000 The cave.

02:33:18.000 Bye.

02:33:20.000 Wow.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 27, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1096 - Todd Glass

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Transcript