The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1118 - Theo Von

00:00:00.000 Here we go, baby.

00:00:01.000 Five, four, three, two, one.

00:00:04.000 Boom! 0.99

00:00:06.000 And there can be only one Theo Vaughn.

00:00:08.000 Well, as far as we know, as far as I know.

00:00:10.000 In the universe, though, do you know what they think?

00:00:12.000 What?

00:00:13.000 Do you know the concept of infinity, apparently, as explained to me, by people far smarter than us, is that the universe is so big that not only is there intelligent life out there for sure, but there's humans out there for sure.

00:00:28.000 And...

00:00:29.000 Infinity is so big that that means somewhere in the universe there is another Theo Vaughn that has done exactly the same things that you've done, said exactly the same things that you've said, been in the same conversations that you've been in,

00:00:46.000 down to that pause, down to the millisecond, an infinite number of times.

00:00:53.000 And you believe it?

00:00:54.000 Yes.

00:00:55.000 No.

00:00:55.000 Not just one.

00:00:56.000 Not just one time, but an unending number of times, because that's how big infinity is.

00:01:02.000 You're not buying it?

00:01:03.000 I'll bet infinity's smaller than that.

00:01:06.000 If I had to bet...

00:01:07.000 Yeah, I just don't think that that could...

00:01:10.000 For me, that couldn't...

00:01:10.000 For me, if I knew that that was true, that would just break my heart, I feel like.

00:01:14.000 Why?

00:01:14.000 Because then you would feel like everything you're doing feels pointless, you know?

00:01:17.000 But isn't it anyway?

00:01:19.000 Just what you know about the universe.

00:01:21.000 Let's just say the universe was limited to the size of this galaxy.

00:01:24.000 Okay.

00:01:25.000 Right?

00:01:25.000 Which it really could be.

00:01:26.000 Could be. 0.99

00:01:27.000 I mean, you and I, let's be honest, we're kind of dumb. 0.99

00:01:29.000 Right. 0.98

00:01:30.000 Oh, yeah, I'm just guessing.

00:01:31.000 Guessing.

00:01:32.000 Totally guessing.

00:01:32.000 I mean, I'll say some big words every now and then, but the reality is I learn those big words from people that actually understand them, and I'm just repeating the noises that they say.

00:01:40.000 Yeah.

00:01:41.000 Right?

00:01:41.000 Okay.

00:01:45.000 I'm the last person that thinks I'm smart.

00:01:47.000 Trust me.

00:01:47.000 Yeah, we're all mimics, really.

00:01:49.000 Exactly.

00:01:49.000 So if you look at, I think they think there are hundreds of billions of stars in this galaxy.

00:01:56.000 Just that alone is too big.

00:01:59.000 It's too big.

00:02:00.000 It's too big for you to wrap your head around.

00:02:01.000 It's too big.

00:02:03.000 When you think about how big that is, there's no way you really think about it.

00:02:06.000 You just kind of go, yeah, yeah, yeah, big.

00:02:09.000 Now think of...

00:02:11.000 Infinite.

00:02:12.000 So hundreds of billions of those.

00:02:15.000 And then they think it's possible that inside each galaxy, they know that the center of each galaxy has a supermassive black hole in it.

00:02:23.000 And they think that inside that supermassive black hole might be a whole nother universe.

00:02:29.000 Filled with galaxies, each of them that have supermassive black holes in the center, you go through one of those, nother universe.

00:02:35.000 Infinite universes.

00:02:36.000 So infinite infinities.

00:02:39.000 So the universe is infinite and there's infinite numbers of universes.

00:02:44.000 So somewhere out there is another Theo Vaughn.

00:02:47.000 Same haircut, same jokes, same style.

00:02:51.000 Really?

00:02:51.000 Yep.

00:02:52.000 Same back problem? 1.00

00:02:53.000 Killing it. 0.99

00:02:54.000 Dude, that's scary. 0.82

00:02:55.000 I feel like if that's true, that makes the jog I took this morning seem so much shorter if the universe is that much bigger.

00:03:01.000 I don't think it could be that big.

00:03:02.000 Look at this.

00:03:03.000 What did you show me here, Jamie?

00:03:04.000 What is that?

00:03:05.000 A simulation on the inside of a black hole.

00:03:07.000 That's iMovie, bro.

00:03:09.000 That could be anything. 1.00

00:03:10.000 Do that shit again? 1.00

00:03:10.000 Well, this is just animation. 1.00

00:03:12.000 So the idea is you go through the black hole and you wake up again.

00:03:16.000 A baby in Louisiana.

00:03:18.000 Come on, man.

00:03:20.000 Your mama's cuddling you.

00:03:21.000 Oh, you're such a sweet thang. 1.00

00:03:23.000 You know?

00:03:24.000 Birds are chirping.

00:03:26.000 But they're chirping 200 trillion light years away.

00:03:30.000 Wow.

00:03:31.000 Yeah.

00:03:31.000 You believe it.

00:03:34.000 Believe is a weird word.

00:03:35.000 Do you feel it?

00:03:37.000 It's too big.

00:03:38.000 I don't even feel sun.

00:03:40.000 The sun.

00:03:40.000 I go outside and I go, oh yeah, it's warm.

00:03:42.000 But I don't feel that there's a thing that's a million times bigger than Earth.

00:03:46.000 That's floating in the sky.

00:03:47.000 No.

00:03:47.000 I don't feel that.

00:03:49.000 Yeah.

00:03:49.000 To me, the hard part for me is when they say that the universe keeps expanding, you know?

00:03:55.000 Yeah.

00:03:55.000 It sounds like something a child would say.

00:03:57.000 That part sounds fiction to me.

00:03:58.000 Like, it just keeps growing and growing and growing and growing.

00:04:01.000 You're like, what?

00:04:01.000 It sounds like something my four-year-old nephew would say if he won't go to sleep at night, you know?

00:04:06.000 Well, the real one is the birth of the universe.

00:04:08.000 That's the real one.

00:04:09.000 Like, the Big Bang.

00:04:11.000 So before the Big Bang, the universe was smaller than the head of a pin.

00:04:14.000 The whole thing.

00:04:15.000 Right.

00:04:16.000 And then for some reason, boom.

00:04:18.000 They don't know why, but in one instant, the universe is created.

00:04:24.000 Seem far-fetched But that's what the scientists believe forget about what religious people believe or cult leaders believe or Schizophrenics.

00:04:34.000 Yeah, the legit of legit the Sean Carroll's of the world the Neil deGrasse Tyson's of the world the real Scientists yeah that can hit you with the real words and they actually understand them the smartest people the real smart people They actually think that hmm.

00:04:50.000 What do you think?

00:04:53.000 I think the jury's out.

00:04:57.000 That's what I think, man.

00:04:58.000 I think I'm still kind of feeling it out.

00:05:00.000 I think I could easily get sucked in if I'm not careful to just believe in...

00:05:06.000 I just wonder if some of their stuff is right, you know?

00:05:09.000 Like, what if the building blocks that we started with aren't really correct, you know?

00:05:14.000 And sometimes I feel like they...

00:05:15.000 Some of the science, for me, it takes too much of the hope out of it.

00:05:19.000 Like, I guess I want to romanticize the universe a little bit, and I want it to be a little more fantastical.

00:05:25.000 Like, maybe we get out there, you know, in the sequel to that video, and there's a couple, you know, angels out there, or a band or something, or like a...

00:05:33.000 A band?

00:05:34.000 Angels?

00:05:35.000 Or like a, you know, some sort of...

00:05:37.000 Something more exciting than just...

00:05:39.000 Is that exciting or is that just more human?

00:05:42.000 Like angels in a band?

00:05:44.000 Right.

00:05:44.000 That's like human.

00:05:45.000 That would actually be boring.

00:05:46.000 Yeah, maybe I'm afraid to go into that other world, you know?

00:05:51.000 Into that other realm.

00:05:52.000 Like, if somebody was like, go in there, and they were trying to push me in there, I would say, I'm not going in there.

00:05:57.000 Have you ever been in a place where you're outside at night, there's no clouds, and there's no light pollution, and you could see the Milky Way?

00:06:06.000 Yeah, there was Tucson.

00:06:08.000 It's crazy, right?

00:06:10.000 Yeah.

00:06:10.000 It's a weird feeling.

00:06:11.000 You see all those stars, and you're like, is this up here all the time?

00:06:15.000 Yeah, that's how I feel.

00:06:17.000 I feel like, is this out here all the time, and what have I been doing?

00:06:19.000 Yeah. 0.86

00:06:20.000 I think we're fucking ourselves up with cities. 0.93

00:06:22.000 I've been saying that forever. 0.98

00:06:23.000 I think all that light from cities, blocking out all those stars, I think it confuses us.

00:06:30.000 Yeah.

00:06:30.000 We don't realize what we're in.

00:06:32.000 We are in this crazy space ride.

00:06:36.000 Oh, I think people forget about that a lot of times.

00:06:38.000 I mean, we definitely get caught up in the minutiae.

00:06:40.000 Mm-hmm.

00:06:41.000 I mean, but what's out there in the world, in the universe?

00:06:45.000 I mean, I think if something were out there, it would have stopped by by now.

00:06:50.000 I don't know about that.

00:06:51.000 It's been a lot of time.

00:06:52.000 It's a lot of space.

00:06:54.000 A lot of space it has to go through.

00:06:55.000 I think that things get so smart that they don't do that anymore.

00:06:59.000 This is what I think.

00:07:01.000 I think that this whole idea about space travel, I don't think they do that after a while. 0.97

00:07:05.000 I think they get so fucking smart, they become symbiotic with machines.

00:07:09.000 And I think artificial life and artificial intelligence, they create their own reality and literally create their own universes. 0.97

00:07:15.000 I don't think they bother traveling.

00:07:17.000 Oh, they're just thinking it up and then there it is?

00:07:19.000 I think they make things.

00:07:21.000 You know, I think when...

00:07:22.000 I think...

00:07:23.000 This is just a thought.

00:07:24.000 But I think what's going to happen with us...

00:07:26.000 I mean, we take little trips. 0.99

00:07:28.000 We send a rover to Mars and shit. 0.98

00:07:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:07:29.000 You know, we send probes into space. 0.99

00:07:32.000 Florida, anywhere.

00:07:33.000 You know, I mean, you go local.

00:07:34.000 Anything can be a big adventure.

00:07:37.000 But yeah, we go out to the moon.

00:07:38.000 We went to the moon a couple times, supposedly, you know.

00:07:40.000 Right, but what we're doing with these little tiny trips, it's all fairly close.

00:07:46.000 It's all inside of our solar system, right?

00:07:48.000 Yeah.

00:07:48.000 What we're saying is that someone is going way, way, way further than that.

00:07:52.000 So they would have to be way more advanced than that.

00:07:54.000 What I look at us, and I look at artificial life and artificial intelligence and how close we are to creating something that's smarter than us, within the next hundred years, we're going to have some form of artificial life.

00:08:05.000 That's probably way smarter than us and it's gonna create even better versions of artificial life It's gonna improve upon the design and then there's gonna be things that they can do in terms of like recreating reality in your own mind like sit you and I sitting across from each other mm-hmm We're experiencing this table.

00:08:25.000 We're experiencing looking at each other.

00:08:28.000 We're friends.

00:08:29.000 We have a history together.

00:08:30.000 We talk a lot.

00:08:32.000 We're used to being in each other's presence.

00:08:34.000 There's all these feelings and thinking and thoughts going on.

00:08:37.000 I think they're going to be able to recreate that.

00:08:39.000 I think they're going to be able to recreate that in a way that's indistinguishable from this moment that we're experiencing right now.

00:08:45.000 So then, I mean, are humans just going to become obsolete then?

00:08:48.000 Yeah, I think so.

00:08:50.000 Okay, well...

00:08:51.000 Dang it.

00:08:53.000 Dang it.

00:08:54.000 Don't you think we are?

00:08:55.000 I mean, if you go back, right?

00:08:56.000 Go back to single-celled organisms.

00:08:58.000 Yeah?

00:08:58.000 Like an amoeba or something?

00:09:00.000 The first time single-celled organisms became multi-celled organisms.

00:09:03.000 Just a booger in the world. 1.00

00:09:04.000 How many of them were hanging back and go, man, fuck that. 1.00

00:09:06.000 I'm going to live in the woods. 1.00

00:09:07.000 I'm going to stay single-celled.

00:09:09.000 Single-cell is the way to go. 1.00

00:09:10.000 This multi-celled stuff is bullshit. 0.99

00:09:12.000 I don't need to see things, man. 1.00

00:09:14.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:09:15.000 I don't need a phone, motherfucker. 1.00

00:09:17.000 I'm a single-celled organism just chilling at the bottom of the ocean. 1.00

00:09:20.000 Yeah, I got a Chevy.

00:09:23.000 Things don't have to get any better.

00:09:25.000 I'm like, I'm right like this.

00:09:26.000 I'm not going to get a job.

00:09:27.000 I'm going to be a hitman.

00:09:28.000 So if you looked at single-celled organisms, they eventually became Theo Vaughn, right?

00:09:34.000 That's a complicated leap from single-celled organisms from billions of years ago to Theo Vaughn. 0.99

00:09:40.000 Holy shit, is that a leap? 0.99

00:09:42.000 To a human. 1.00

00:09:43.000 That's a big leap.

00:09:44.000 So you're saying it would be crazy for us if we didn't continue to move forward.

00:09:48.000 Exactly.

00:09:48.000 We're going to.

00:09:48.000 That's a good point.

00:09:49.000 It's going to happen.

00:09:50.000 Everything does.

00:09:51.000 We're going to improve upon this.

00:09:53.000 I mean, we're different now.

00:09:54.000 People are bigger and stronger and faster than they were just a hundred years ago because of nutrition, you know, and those genes.

00:10:01.000 I was saying that the genes of people who exercise and are healthy, they're better than the genes of people that don't.

00:10:07.000 Like, you literally can transfer some of those traits and some of that potential into children.

00:10:13.000 Rhonda Patrick had something.

00:10:14.000 She tweeted about that a couple of days ago, I believe.

00:10:17.000 Oh, there's some mud rats out there that have no genes almost, I feel like. 1.00

00:10:20.000 Like mud rat humans? 1.00

00:10:21.000 Yeah, just people that are just smoking their own dicks out there who have no real life. 0.99

00:10:27.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:10:27.000 I've met some people who, yeah, they're breathing, but that's it, really. 0.99

00:10:32.000 Yeah, this idea that we're all created equals.

00:10:34.000 You've never met anybody that's a genius, if you say that.

00:10:37.000 I've met some people that I'm like, I talk to them, I go, oh, I'm like a monkey compared to you.

00:10:41.000 Yeah.

00:10:43.000 Dude, I talked to your buddy Eddie Bravo, and that guy is a real...

00:10:47.000 He's out there.

00:10:48.000 He's like a deaf Jack Russell, almost, you know? 0.97

00:10:51.000 A deaf Jack Russell?

00:10:53.000 Yeah, because once he gets going, you can't...

00:10:54.000 Oh, Jack Russell Terrier?

00:10:55.000 Yeah.

00:10:55.000 You ever been around one of those dogs?

00:10:56.000 You open the car, and then the next thing you know, they're at the...

00:10:58.000 Yeah.

00:10:59.000 They're like sick, yeah.

00:11:00.000 But how's he deaf?

00:11:01.000 Because you can't get him back.

00:11:03.000 Like, once he goes, you can't...

00:11:04.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:11:06.000 You can't get him back in the car.

00:11:09.000 Like you're sitting there honking the horn.

00:11:10.000 You can't.

00:11:11.000 That guy's out there.

00:11:12.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:11:14.000 I do know what you're talking about, but I've never heard anybody make a description like that.

00:11:19.000 A deaf Jack Russell Terrier.

00:11:21.000 That is hilarious.

00:11:22.000 He's extravagant, dude.

00:11:24.000 Yeah.

00:11:24.000 That man's extravagant.

00:11:25.000 He's so motivated.

00:11:26.000 He loves conspiracies more than anybody I've ever met in my life, and he thinks everything is a conspiracy.

00:11:32.000 Yeah, no, no, he definitely, yeah.

00:11:34.000 But then he gets into it, like, I don't know.

00:11:36.000 It was fascinating to me how he went from just, like, one genre of life to the next and created a business in each one and kept moving forward.

00:11:43.000 A business?

00:11:44.000 Yeah, he got, like, he was a music.

00:11:45.000 He liked music.

00:11:46.000 He started a band.

00:11:47.000 You know, he liked karate.

00:11:49.000 He started doing, you know, organized karate.

00:11:53.000 He liked...

00:11:55.000 You know, what else did he...

00:11:56.000 A couple of other businesses, I think.

00:11:58.000 He got into a couple of other things.

00:11:59.000 I don't know what the other two were.

00:12:01.000 He lost me at Chapter 70, but...

00:12:04.000 He'll hit you with too much information, man.

00:12:06.000 It was crazy.

00:12:07.000 You don't have a lot of people to Google.

00:12:08.000 I was like, I want to climb through a black hole right now. 0.99

00:12:10.000 Edgar Cayce documentaries and shit. 0.99

00:12:12.000 Like, wait a minute, is this guy legit? 0.96

00:12:14.000 Dude, the other night, 2 a.m., he sends me a couple of links.

00:12:17.000 Oh, you can't do that.

00:12:17.000 You gotta shut your phone off if you're friends with Eddie.

00:12:20.000 When those 1am phone calls come in, you do not respond because you will get a wall of text explaining which YouTube video has the right information and which one is set up by the CIA. It used to be like stopping at a rest area on the interstate, that was like the old Eddie Bravo.

00:12:35.000 Like you'd stop there and next thing you know you'd hear the craziest shit in the world. 0.99

00:12:39.000 Coast to coast with Art Bell would be playing in the background. 1.00

00:12:43.000 No, he loves all of it.

00:12:44.000 He loves it.

00:12:45.000 But he gets out.

00:12:46.000 He goes in phases.

00:12:47.000 Like, he gets out of them for a while.

00:12:48.000 Like, he was really into chemtrails for a while. 1.00

00:12:51.000 But, man, I know he probably won't admit it, but it's pretty obvious chemtrails are bullshit. 1.00

00:12:56.000 Pretty fucking obvious. 1.00

00:12:57.000 Yeah, it's just writing. 0.98

00:12:58.000 Because they can write birthday.

00:12:59.000 They can write happy birthday Ronda or something.

00:13:01.000 And that's not...

00:13:02.000 That just seems like it's somebody's birthday.

00:13:05.000 I think when they do that, they're doing that on purpose.

00:13:08.000 But the chemtrail thing is just nonsense.

00:13:11.000 There is some evidence that they have experimented with spraying stuff in the sky, and they definitely seed clouds in certain parts of the world, in certain parts of the country.

00:13:19.000 They can make it rain.

00:13:22.000 It's Abu Dhabi, right?

00:13:23.000 Where they make it rain once a week.

00:13:25.000 Wow.

00:13:26.000 Once a week.

00:13:26.000 They live in the desert.

00:13:28.000 They send jets up there?

00:13:29.000 Yeah.

00:13:29.000 Yeah, they send jets, and I think they use something silver iodine or something like that.

00:13:36.000 Is that what it is?

00:13:37.000 That'd be awesome to be one of those pilots.

00:13:39.000 They spray into the clouds, and somehow or another, it makes it rain.

00:13:44.000 You know, when I was talking with Eddie, one thing I was thinking about was, do you think that there are aliens...

00:13:51.000 Do you think that robots will get so advanced that they will...

00:13:58.000 Like, become aware.

00:14:00.000 What does he say?

00:14:01.000 Oh, I don't know what he said.

00:14:03.000 I guess I'm asking you.

00:14:04.000 Because he went off on something else and he didn't really answer it.

00:14:07.000 He said, think about it.

00:14:07.000 He doesn't get too much into artificial intelligence.

00:14:09.000 He's more into, like, the FBI trying to fuck us over. 0.98

00:14:12.000 Well, he told me in the bathroom after we talked. 0.99

00:14:15.000 No joke, he said he had to be a little bit quiet because he thinks that some people could be looking for him.

00:14:21.000 Oh, that's so crazy.

00:14:22.000 And it was crazy that he said that all hush-hushed by the urinals.

00:14:26.000 Dude, he thought that the government got to me.

00:14:28.000 Really?

00:14:28.000 Because I wasn't into chemtrails.

00:14:30.000 Chemtrails did it.

00:14:31.000 He's like, there's got to be a reason here.

00:14:33.000 Did they do anything to you?

00:14:34.000 No.

00:14:35.000 No.

00:14:35.000 You swear?

00:14:36.000 I swear.

00:14:37.000 No one's talked to me.

00:14:38.000 About anything.

00:14:39.000 Ever.

00:14:40.000 No one said amen.

00:14:42.000 Lay off the Bigfoot.

00:14:43.000 Lay off that Bigfoot talk.

00:14:45.000 What?

00:14:45.000 What are you saying?

00:14:46.000 I'm just saying.

00:14:47.000 If you want to know.

00:14:49.000 What is this?

00:14:50.000 What are you showing me, Jamie?

00:14:51.000 This is an article about the cloud seeding in Abu Dhabi.

00:14:54.000 Oh, they use hygroscopic salt to level up the amount of moisture to generate more rain.

00:15:06.000 I could see him doing that.

00:15:07.000 Dr. Habib adding that the best season for seeding is between June and August.

00:15:13.000 Huh.

00:15:13.000 Hmm.

00:15:14.000 So, I mean, there's other ways.

00:15:16.000 There's a blast and salt up into the...

00:15:17.000 Yeah, see... 0.99

00:15:18.000 Yeah, they spray shit, and it makes it rain. 0.99

00:15:21.000 I find that the moon... 1.00

00:15:22.000 Say we went to the moon.

00:15:23.000 The moon seemed like something Delta could get to, if you really think about it.

00:15:26.000 Like, you know what I'm saying?

00:15:27.000 Delta Airlines?

00:15:27.000 Yeah, like, if they...

00:15:28.000 Not Southwest, though, right?

00:15:30.000 I mean...

00:15:31.000 They seem a little shaky.

00:15:31.000 Yeah, they seem a little bit shaky on there.

00:15:33.000 Some of the people on there are wearing shorts.

00:15:35.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:15:36.000 When you get on...

00:15:37.000 I don't trust anybody in shorts, especially at church.

00:15:40.000 But I'll say this, when you, like, it's crazy we've been flying across America for, you know, 40, 50 years now, right?

00:15:48.000 More.

00:15:48.000 Yeah, even more maybe, you know.

00:15:50.000 And it seems like it's, we could figure out how to get into space.

00:15:55.000 Right.

00:15:56.000 It's harder than that, for sure.

00:15:58.000 First of all, it's 262,000 miles.

00:16:01.000 You know, the Earth is 24,000 miles around.

00:16:03.000 So a full trip from right here.

00:16:06.000 So you start in Calabasas.

00:16:08.000 Okay.

00:16:08.000 And you do a full trip all the way around the planet and land in Calabasas.

00:16:13.000 That's 24,000 miles.

00:16:15.000 Okay, so it's like 12 times that or something?

00:16:17.000 Yeah, something like that.

00:16:19.000 Well, we could do that.

00:16:22.000 Who's we?

00:16:25.000 Who's we? 0.99

00:16:26.000 What's this we shit like, man? 0.99

00:16:30.000 It's hard, man. 1.00

00:16:31.000 And not only that, there's no air.

00:16:33.000 It's one-sixth Earth's gravity.

00:16:35.000 You're dealing with all sorts of problems in terms of solar flares and radiation.

00:16:40.000 We're protected by the magnetosphere.

00:16:42.000 We're protected by the radiation belts and all of the atmosphere of the Earth. 0.99

00:16:48.000 When you go through that and you go out into space, you're not protected by shit. 0.98

00:16:53.000 I think we could fight that, man. 0.99

00:16:56.000 Well, it can be done.

00:16:57.000 The problem was with biological life.

00:16:59.000 See, one of the things that made it so interesting about the moon hoax theory, particularly for me, is they never sent anything alive into space and had it come back alive, ever.

00:17:07.000 They never even sent a chicken into space and had it come back alive.

00:17:12.000 It all dies?

00:17:12.000 No, they just do it with people.

00:17:14.000 They've only done it with people.

00:17:15.000 Ah.

00:17:16.000 They've never made something.

00:17:17.000 They never shot a monkey into space and then brought it back alive.

00:17:20.000 So that's why you think it could be fictional?

00:17:22.000 No, it's only one reason why it was enticing to me.

00:17:26.000 One of the big reasons was the Fox documentary.

00:17:29.000 There was a Fox documentary that aired on TV, I think it was in the 90s.

00:17:33.000 It was called Conspiracy Theory, Did We Go to the Moon?

00:17:36.000 And it showed that they used the same backdrop for different moon missions that were supposedly really far apart from each other, but the backdrop synced up.

00:17:47.000 There was all sorts of images that showed different...

00:17:52.000 Shadows that were moving at different angles that would indicate different light sources that was more than one life source instead of just the sun.

00:18:00.000 There's a lot of these things that make it intriguing.

00:18:03.000 The problem with that stuff is that I don't know jack shit about aerospace engineering. 0.58

00:18:09.000 I don't know anything about it. 0.86

00:18:11.000 I have zero Zero education in physics.

00:18:15.000 Yeah, I don't know how a Kodak works in space.

00:18:17.000 I don't know how any of that.

00:18:18.000 That's also part of the problem is the images.

00:18:20.000 The images, a lot of people are like, how are the images so perfectly squared?

00:18:23.000 There's no errors.

00:18:25.000 There's some of the images where things are in the shadows.

00:18:27.000 They're lit up like there's backfill being used.

00:18:30.000 But that still doesn't mean they didn't go.

00:18:31.000 They definitely faked some images.

00:18:33.000 This is a fact.

00:18:35.000 They know this because there's Gemini 15. There's a Michael Collins photo that was absolutely a photo that they used of him.

00:18:42.000 In a training mission, where you could see the harnesses and all that jazz, and then they blacked it out, and they used it as a publicity photo saying that he's on a spacewalk.

00:18:50.000 But that could have been an overzealous publicist. 0.77

00:18:53.000 Right.

00:18:53.000 You've got to look at everything, like, really objectively.

00:18:56.000 Yeah.

00:18:56.000 Because you wanted...

00:18:57.000 I wanted the moon landing to be fake.

00:19:00.000 It seemed fun to me.

00:19:01.000 You wanted it to be.

00:19:02.000 Yeah, there's so many things.

00:19:04.000 The...

00:19:06.000 What is it, the Prime Minister of Holland?

00:19:07.000 Who is it of Holland?

00:19:08.000 And I met Buzz Aldrin.

00:19:10.000 They gave this guy a piece of moon rock, and it turned out to be a piece of petrified wood.

00:19:16.000 But it was signed in a plaque.

00:19:18.000 It was delivered by Michael Collins and Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong.

00:19:22.000 And they're like, this is a piece of moon rock.

00:19:24.000 We're giving this to Holland. 0.99

00:19:26.000 This is amazing.

00:19:27.000 They're like, wow, you're giving us a piece of the moon.

00:19:28.000 That's so cool.

00:19:29.000 And then they wound up finally testing it.

00:19:31.000 It's a piece of petrified wood.

00:19:32.000 It wasn't for the moon.

00:19:34.000 It was fake.

00:19:34.000 It's fake.

00:19:35.000 Yeah.

00:19:35.000 And why did the Dutch want it?

00:19:36.000 So there's a bunch of things like that.

00:19:37.000 Well, it's a gift to a country.

00:19:39.000 Oh, I see.

00:19:40.000 The Dutch are wild, man.

00:19:41.000 But that also could have been...

00:19:42.000 You've got to deal with...

00:19:43.000 You're talking about the 1960s.

00:19:45.000 Richard Nixon was the president. 1.00

00:19:46.000 He was an asshole. 1.00

00:19:47.000 He's like, probably fucked them. 1.00

00:19:49.000 I'm not giving them a moon rock. 1.00

00:19:50.000 Give them one of those petrified...

00:19:52.000 This would be hilarious.

00:19:53.000 Take a piece of petrified wood.

00:19:55.000 We've got four kilograms of moon rock. 1.00

00:19:57.000 We ain't giving shit to the Dutch. 0.99

00:19:59.000 You know? 1.00

00:20:00.000 Dude, the Dutch, I mean, they don't, yeah. 1.00

00:20:02.000 I mean, actually, who gives a fuck, you know, like, you know, respect to the Dutch, but... 0.97

00:20:07.000 Some of the greatest kickboxers of all time. 0.96

00:20:09.000 Really?

00:20:09.000 You know that one spot.

00:20:10.000 Yeah.

00:20:11.000 Well, they're aerodynamic, too.

00:20:12.000 You ever seen a Dutch person?

00:20:13.000 They're big.

00:20:13.000 Well, and also, they're extremely, if you look at their faces, they're extremely aerodynamic.

00:20:17.000 You think they travel through space better?

00:20:19.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:20:20.000 I think if you taped, like, one to the front of a plane, it wouldn't, you know, it wouldn't be that hard on them.

00:20:25.000 They have good symmetry.

00:20:27.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:20:28.000 Oh, you look at the Dutch, their head's tall. 1.00

00:20:31.000 It's like...

00:20:33.000 Good genes.

00:20:35.000 They're probably Vikings, right?

00:20:36.000 That's probably some Viking genes.

00:20:38.000 They're all big.

00:20:39.000 They're really big people.

00:20:40.000 And they got tall cranium space.

00:20:42.000 They have a lot of room in their head for...

00:20:45.000 Ideas?

00:20:45.000 Yeah.

00:20:47.000 Plus, they were one of the first people to say, who gives a shit about weed? 0.99

00:20:50.000 Everybody used to go to Amsterdam to get high. 0.99

00:20:52.000 Well, the problem with Amsterdam is there's trains, there's people on bikes.

00:20:55.000 It's like the worst place to walk around high because there's so many forms of transportation going on. 0.98

00:20:59.000 You're like, there's fucking people traveling by Crow. 1.00

00:21:02.000 You're like, damn, dude. 1.00

00:21:04.000 I tripped out there, man. 1.00

00:21:06.000 Right, there's like boats, bikes.

00:21:08.000 It's way too heady, bro.

00:21:09.000 There's a lot of boats. 0.99

00:21:11.000 People get on boats and shit. 0.99

00:21:13.000 Dude, I showed up there one time and they had a gay pride weekend, you know, and I didn't know it. 0.99

00:21:17.000 And they had like a lot of homoerotic like boat floats going by, like just single men just dancing on boats, you know? 0.96

00:21:24.000 I was like, I didn't know.

00:21:26.000 I thought that was just, these people were like hella Dutch. 1.00

00:21:28.000 Gay people know how to do it. 1.00

00:21:30.000 Oh yeah, they party, man. 0.98

00:21:32.000 There's no one holding them back.

00:21:33.000 There's no yang or no yin, whichever one it is. 0.92

00:21:36.000 They're all yang. 0.78

00:21:38.000 Yeah, it's just people yanging each other's...

00:21:40.000 Just yanging it up. 0.99

00:21:41.000 Just fucking yanging each other out, bro. 0.99

00:21:44.000 That's happening in space. 1.00

00:21:45.000 In space, somewhere, there's gay people that can get pregnant. 1.00

00:21:49.000 They get each other pregnant, and they're gay. 0.99

00:21:51.000 Because how? 0.98

00:21:52.000 Because they're different.

00:21:54.000 Guaranteed.

00:21:55.000 Oh, you think that?

00:21:55.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:56.000 100%. 0.62

00:21:56.000 There's gay pride. 0.62

00:21:57.000 Whoa, Jamie just pulled it up.

00:21:58.000 That's what it was, bro. 0.99

00:21:59.000 And I thought, holy shit. 0.99

00:22:01.000 I got one tenth of one percent gayer just from looking at that. 0.98

00:22:04.000 Yeah, this is as aerodynamic as it can get, boy.

00:22:07.000 And no one has a shirt on.

00:22:08.000 Uh-uh.

00:22:09.000 There's a couple guys with life preservers. 0.99

00:22:11.000 No one has a fucking shirt on. 1.00

00:22:13.000 Look how gay this is. 1.00

00:22:14.000 This is hilarious. 1.00

00:22:15.000 They're all buff and shit. 1.00

00:22:16.000 This one girl with her hand on her forehead in the front of the boat going, what in the fuck? 1.00

00:22:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:21.000 I can't get no dick. 1.00

00:22:23.000 She's like, her friend tells her, you gotta get down here. 1.00

00:22:25.000 There's a thousand men with no shirt on and they're all hot.

00:22:29.000 Oh my god, I'm there.

00:22:31.000 I'm there.

00:22:32.000 I'm gonna get us to ride on the boat.

00:22:33.000 An hour into the boat, she's got her hand on her head. 1.00

00:22:35.000 Fuck me. 1.00

00:22:36.000 They're all gay. 1.00

00:22:38.000 And that guy had a slip disc, too, on the right, if you could see that. 0.99

00:22:40.000 You think so?

00:22:41.000 Yeah, one of his hips is a little higher.

00:22:42.000 I have that.

00:22:43.000 Dysplasia.

00:22:45.000 And it's popular in people that have that and also Australian...

00:22:49.000 You think he's just like standing on something?

00:22:51.000 That could be like just a stop image of a guy who's moving fine.

00:22:54.000 It seems like he feels self-conscious about his legs.

00:22:56.000 He has some pants.

00:22:57.000 It's obviously hot out there.

00:22:59.000 You don't think so?

00:23:00.000 Maybe, right?

00:23:00.000 Like you can't squat anymore.

00:23:02.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:03.000 Dude, I'm in that bad back club, man.

00:23:04.000 It's hard.

00:23:05.000 What happened?

00:23:06.000 I think God just put like a weak spine in me.

00:23:09.000 And so when I was like 27, I was painting a wall.

00:23:15.000 And I leaned for like maybe 40 minutes leaning out with a paint thing.

00:23:19.000 And when I leaned back in, my back wasn't right anymore.

00:23:21.000 That was it.

00:23:23.000 And it's been bad ever since.

00:23:24.000 Really?

00:23:24.000 Yeah.

00:23:25.000 I'd have part of my vertebrae.

00:23:26.000 Somebody, this man took it out at Cedars-Sinai, a man.

00:23:29.000 He took it out?

00:23:29.000 Yeah.

00:23:30.000 What'd he do with it?

00:23:31.000 Did you know him first?

00:23:33.000 No, I met him through insurance.

00:23:34.000 But he got it.

00:23:36.000 And they, and I've been, it's been hit or miss since then.

00:23:40.000 What's he doing with it?

00:23:41.000 Oh, I don't know.

00:23:42.000 I can't afford to go back and see him again.

00:23:43.000 It's 7,500 bucks.

00:23:44.000 You can go talk to him.

00:23:45.000 Really?

00:23:46.000 Just to talk to him. 1.00

00:23:46.000 It's like, I got weaseled out of this shit. 1.00

00:23:48.000 That's a scam. 1.00

00:23:50.000 You want to talk to me?

00:23:51.000 You sit on that side of the desk and give me $7,500.

00:23:54.000 Your time starts now.

00:23:57.000 Yeah, I got to take a piece of your back now. 1.00

00:23:59.000 That's it.

00:24:00.000 Okay, next person.

00:24:03.000 Is it like a disc or a piece of the actual bone?

00:24:08.000 Like, what was it?

00:24:08.000 It's a disc.

00:24:09.000 They got photos of it.

00:24:10.000 I don't know if they're real, you know?

00:24:12.000 That's the crazy part.

00:24:13.000 Might be fake like the moon landing.

00:24:14.000 Well, here's the craziest...

00:24:15.000 Might have put you under it and said, yeah, we fixed it, bro.

00:24:17.000 Give me that money.

00:24:18.000 Oh, 100%.

00:24:19.000 And then in my head, you know, because I'm probably about 60% gullible.

00:24:24.000 60?

00:24:25.000 Yeah, I think so.

00:24:25.000 The more I've looked back at my life and kind of charted out when I've been gullible and when I haven't...

00:24:29.000 What's the biggest one? 0.96

00:24:30.000 You look back and go, how the fuck did I believe that? 0.97

00:24:34.000 I would say probably, you know, overall religion. 0.98

00:24:42.000 Were you super religious when you were a kid?

00:24:44.000 I wasn't super religious, but I... You know, I just wanted it, like, everything, like, in the Bible, you know, I just...

00:24:52.000 Wanted it to be real.

00:24:53.000 Yeah, I guess I wanted it to be real.

00:24:54.000 It just made it hard, it made it tough for some other things, you know? 1.00

00:24:58.000 You're like, first it was like, fuck, I gotta remember all this shit? 0.99

00:25:01.000 Like, I can't remember. 0.99

00:25:02.000 I'm not gonna be able to be accepted by God or someone, because I can't even remember what's in this book, you know?

00:25:08.000 Like, I'm gonna need to hire a tutor just to be, go to heaven, you know?

00:25:12.000 Like, because the Bible is...

00:25:14.000 Bro, it's not the best book.

00:25:16.000 Well, it was really good when it was written.

00:25:19.000 But it's like, try to watch a movie from the 1930s. 0.99

00:25:22.000 You'd be like, look at this corny fucking acting. 0.99

00:25:24.000 Right? 0.99

00:25:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:25:27.000 I mean, there's nine chapters about livestock.

00:25:30.000 Like, it gets...

00:25:31.000 Is it really?

00:25:33.000 It gets hella risque in the middle.

00:25:34.000 I haven't really read the whole thing cover to cover, and I haven't read any of it in a long time.

00:25:39.000 Yeah.

00:25:40.000 I read it when I was in...

00:25:41.000 I guess I was...

00:25:43.000 I was living in Florida, so I was 11. Oh, that's a good time to read it.

00:25:47.000 And they handed them out in school.

00:25:48.000 And I remember my parents being a little disturbed by it.

00:25:52.000 Because I had gone from Catholic school in the first grade.

00:25:55.000 My mom split up with my dad.

00:25:57.000 My mom shacked up with my stepdad, who was a hippie.

00:26:00.000 She kind of became a bit of a hippie, too.

00:26:02.000 And we fell way out of religion.

00:26:03.000 So the Catholic Church and all that stuff was a thing of the past. 0.54

00:26:06.000 Was that pretty cool?

00:26:07.000 The hippie stepdad?

00:26:09.000 Yeah, he's a good guy.

00:26:10.000 Very nice guy.

00:26:11.000 Um...

00:26:12.000 It was weird, you know? 1.00

00:26:13.000 He had long hair and shit. 0.99

00:26:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:15.000 Like, long hair. 1.00

00:26:16.000 Like, down to the middle of his back.

00:26:18.000 And so, like...

00:26:19.000 That's crazy.

00:26:20.000 Would you ever, like, see him from behind and think it was, like, a woman or something from far away?

00:26:23.000 No, because he was muscular.

00:26:25.000 You know, he looked like a man.

00:26:26.000 Yeah.

00:26:27.000 But he was a man with long hair.

00:26:29.000 Yeah.

00:26:30.000 But, um...

00:26:32.000 You know, when I was in high school, well, not high school.

00:26:36.000 I guess it was in grade school.

00:26:38.000 So what is 11?

00:26:39.000 What grade is that?

00:26:40.000 Depends on how smart you are, really.

00:26:42.000 Fifth grade?

00:26:43.000 Yeah.

00:26:43.000 Depends on how smart you are.

00:26:44.000 You know what I was reading?

00:26:45.000 This is how great.

00:26:46.000 Ronan Farrow?

00:26:47.000 You know, Woody Allen and...

00:26:49.000 The guy who wrote that article?

00:26:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:51.000 He's not really Woody Allen's kid, by the way.

00:26:54.000 Look at that kid.

00:26:55.000 Look at Frank Sinatra.

00:26:55.000 Holla at your boy!

00:26:57.000 Okay?

00:26:58.000 Holla at your boy! 1.00

00:27:01.000 That kid is Frank Sinatra's kid.

00:27:04.000 1,001 million percent.

00:27:06.000 Because Mia Farrow used to bang Frank Sinatra. 1.00

00:27:09.000 Oh, really?

00:27:09.000 And they had a freak.

00:27:10.000 Look, I know.

00:27:12.000 Look, come on. 0.99

00:27:13.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:27:14.000 Look at the two of them. 0.99

00:27:15.000 First of all, handsome man.

00:27:18.000 That Ronan Farrow.

00:27:20.000 Handsome man.

00:27:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:21.000 That is, goddammit, that is Frank fucking Sinatra's kid. 1.00

00:27:26.000 One billion trillion percent. 1.00

00:27:28.000 You better stay the fuck away from 23andMe. 0.99

00:27:30.000 Look at that. 0.99

00:27:30.000 Yeah, look at that one, bro. 0.99

00:27:32.000 23andMe will just send back the song, New York, New York, I think.

00:27:35.000 When he was 11, this is how smart this guy is.

00:27:38.000 When he was 11, he was taking college courses.

00:27:41.000 Oh my god.

00:27:42.000 11. Nerd alert.

00:27:43.000 That's what I read.

00:27:44.000 Make sure that's true.

00:27:45.000 I don't want to write an article about me.

00:27:48.000 It's a bit of bad information.

00:27:51.000 So they had a freak relationship anyway.

00:27:54.000 When they were together.

00:27:55.000 That was their only biological kid, and it's not really their biological kid.

00:27:59.000 Why not? 1.00

00:28:00.000 Because it's fucking Frank Sinatra's kid! 1.00

00:28:02.000 Oh, they're lying. 1.00

00:28:03.000 Ronan Farrow started college at age 11. Wow.

00:28:07.000 He says he fell apart while pursuing the Harvey Weinstein story.

00:28:10.000 Whoa.

00:28:10.000 What do you mean he fell apart?

00:28:12.000 Probably because it was so dark.

00:28:13.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:28:15.000 I mean, come on, man.

00:28:16.000 Do you remember before that story came out?

00:28:18.000 Everybody knew that guy was a creep, right?

00:28:20.000 But it was like this thing about like Mordor, you know, like he lives, you know, lived in Sauron, lives under the rock somewhere. 0.59

00:28:26.000 Everybody knew he was a creep.

00:28:28.000 Everybody had heard stories.

00:28:30.000 But this guy, he graduated at 15 from college?

00:28:34.000 Oh my god.

00:28:37.000 Why does it keep saying the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen?

00:28:41.000 It should say wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

00:28:43.000 But that's crazy that they're trying to push that so much, you know, the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen.

00:28:48.000 Well, he was raised by them for a little while until Woody started banging his sister.

00:28:53.000 Oh my God.

00:28:54.000 Yeah, that's a freak household. 0.50

00:28:57.000 It's the dark arts out here.

00:28:58.000 Hollywood's got the darkest arts, bro.

00:29:00.000 They lived in New York.

00:29:01.000 Well, even New York Hollywood.

00:29:04.000 Is it the same thing?

00:29:05.000 New York Hollywood?

00:29:06.000 Hollywood is just show business.

00:29:07.000 Yeah, show business.

00:29:08.000 That's what I mean. 1.00

00:29:09.000 Well, there's definitely something to that, because how about that composer that turned out to be even more of a fucking asshole than Harvey Weinstein? 1.00

00:29:16.000 There's this one composer that was just fucking all these young boys, and if you didn't fuck him, and they recently got rid of him... 1.00

00:29:24.000 But he was just running things through sex, and you know, he just basically had a sex cult going on. 1.00

00:29:30.000 Find out who the fuck that guy was. 0.99

00:29:32.000 But he was a cherished, famous, loved composer. 0.99

00:29:36.000 And it turned out this dude was just running the freak show behind the scenes.

00:29:40.000 He was being dirty?

00:29:41.000 Not just being dirty, but that was the way to get in.

00:29:43.000 And if this guy shut you down, you were shut down forever.

00:29:46.000 You weren't working anymore.

00:29:48.000 So he was like the gatekeeper.

00:29:50.000 He was like a Harvey Weinstein of music. 1.00

00:29:52.000 Like what Harvey Weinstein was doing to those actresses is he would try to fuck them, they'd get mad at him, and he would blackball them. 1.00

00:29:57.000 He would say, you're not working anymore. 1.00

00:29:59.000 You're too difficult to work with.

00:30:00.000 And then he would shut their careers down.

00:30:03.000 All these different women found out, like when their careers fell apart, they found out that was going on. 1.00

00:30:08.000 There he is.

00:30:09.000 What happened?

00:30:11.000 See, that's dirty, man. 0.78

00:30:12.000 Oh, him, huh? 0.80

00:30:13.000 Yeah, from The Met.

00:30:16.000 James Levine.

00:30:17.000 Sexual abuse claims.

00:30:20.000 Yeah.

00:30:21.000 Well, this is from December of 2017, but that has been...

00:30:25.000 It's been...

00:30:26.000 There's recent stuff.

00:30:28.000 Pull up sexual abuse James Levine, because the more recent stuff is much more confirmed.

00:30:35.000 A bunch of people came out and...

00:30:38.000 We had a dude in our neighborhood named Mr. Langenstein. 0.99

00:30:41.000 He used to invite us over to chill out and shit, but we didn't know that he was a pedophile. 0.99

00:30:47.000 You didn't know? 0.99

00:30:49.000 How'd you find out?

00:30:51.000 He ended up going to jail for it.

00:30:53.000 So you were hanging out with him for a while and you didn't know?

00:30:56.000 Yeah, we met him at school.

00:30:57.000 We thought he was just this cool old dude who liked to smoke pot, right, with children.

00:31:00.000 And one time he bought us some steaks because he would treat us nice.

00:31:05.000 He took us to Marilyn Manson, me and my best friend.

00:31:08.000 He took us to Marilyn Manson.

00:31:09.000 We were like 15. We couldn't even get in.

00:31:10.000 It was an 18-year-old show.

00:31:12.000 And how old was he?

00:31:13.000 He was probably 70. And he had like a red convertible.

00:31:20.000 Everybody wants to be in a convertible.

00:31:22.000 And so we got in and we went.

00:31:26.000 Anyway, he got us some steaks one time.

00:31:29.000 And the steak come with baked potato side item.

00:31:31.000 So we had sour cream on the baked potatoes.

00:31:36.000 And my buddy was in...

00:31:40.000 And my buddy was in the kitchen, and he said, hey, I'm out of sour cream.

00:31:45.000 Can I have some of yours?

00:31:47.000 And I said, no, but you can have some of my sweet cream. 0.99

00:31:49.000 You know, just making like a joke about semen. 0.98

00:31:51.000 Right. 0.97

00:31:52.000 And then, Big Langenstein, the dude goes, can I have some? 0.99

00:31:57.000 And that's when all the fucking wheels turned. 0.99

00:32:00.000 And you realized, oh no. 1.00

00:32:02.000 No. 1.00

00:32:03.000 I'm just sitting there with a mouth full of potato like, fuck. 1.00

00:32:06.000 I thought he was just a nice man. 1.00

00:32:07.000 You were thinking that this whole time he was just setting you up.

00:32:11.000 Yeah, and my buddy, that was the biggest thing.

00:32:13.000 I was so concerned.

00:32:14.000 I'd brought like four of my friends over there, and I was like, what has been going on?

00:32:18.000 I had a similar situation.

00:32:20.000 A guy named Walter.

00:32:21.000 Yeah.

00:32:22.000 We used to go fishing, and he would run around the pond and He was mentally handicapped?

00:32:28.000 No.

00:32:29.000 He was a teacher and he got fired.

00:32:31.000 He was trying to explain to us that he had unconventional teaching methods and that they didn't understand his teaching methods and that they fired him.

00:32:42.000 Oh, so then he's like the...

00:32:44.000 He was a very smart guy.

00:32:45.000 Right.

00:32:46.000 And to kids, he probably seemed like the cool guy because he's unconventional.

00:32:49.000 And he was always jogging.

00:32:50.000 He was always jogging around this park.

00:32:51.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

00:32:52.000 That's a gay sport. 0.91

00:32:53.000 And he would sit by and he would come by and hang out with us. 0.54

00:32:56.000 So we'd be fishing.

00:32:58.000 We'd be hanging out at the spot.

00:33:00.000 And he'd come by, sit with us for a little bit, and then take off.

00:33:02.000 So we became friends with this guy.

00:33:04.000 Dude, I went over his house once.

00:33:05.000 And I'll never forget, I ate at his house.

00:33:08.000 It was just me and him, too.

00:33:09.000 And he didn't do anything, but I went to the bathroom.

00:33:12.000 And I guess I was 13, somewhere around there.

00:33:17.000 Somewhere around 13 at the time.

00:33:18.000 Wow, that's a wild age.

00:33:19.000 It's a susceptible age.

00:33:21.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:33:22.000 And I went to use the bathroom, and I peed, and I guess he was in the bathroom with me.

00:33:27.000 And afterwards, he said something to me.

00:33:29.000 He goes, he had this weird way of talking like this.

00:33:32.000 And he's like, I didn't know you were so developed.

00:33:35.000 And I was like, what?

00:33:36.000 And I was thinking about it. 1.00

00:33:38.000 I'm like, he's talking about my dick. 0.99

00:33:40.000 But he wasn't flirting with me. 0.99

00:33:41.000 It wasn't weird. 1.00

00:33:42.000 It just was like he was just talking about my dick being developed. 0.99

00:33:46.000 Like a curator, like an art curator or something? 0.99

00:33:49.000 No, it was weird, but it wasn't dangerous.

00:33:54.000 But then it got dangerous.

00:33:56.000 Because I'd been friends with this guy for months, right?

00:33:59.000 For months, we had been going fishing, and he had been coming to this lake.

00:34:03.000 There was two places.

00:34:04.000 There was Jamaica Pond.

00:34:07.000 All this was in Jamaica Plain.

00:34:09.000 And so there was Jamaica Pond was this one spot, and there was another pond that was nearby that was a smaller place.

00:34:14.000 There was more secluded, but it had like good pickerel fishing.

00:34:18.000 Pickerel's like a small northern pike-looking creature. 1.00

00:34:22.000 And so I was fishing there.

00:34:24.000 And pickerel.

00:34:25.000 I can't stop coughing.

00:34:26.000 So he shows up drunk.

00:34:29.000 That's when it got really weird.

00:34:31.000 And he told me he loved me.

00:34:32.000 Like, how did he say it?

00:34:34.000 Did he say it?

00:34:35.000 Yeah, he said it like he was behind me, like sitting down, and I was fishing.

00:34:39.000 Oh my god, dude, this is making me feel nervous.

00:34:41.000 He goes, you know, Joey, you know I love you.

00:34:45.000 And he was like, probably in the 60s, right?

00:34:49.000 And I go, I like you too, man.

00:34:51.000 I was like, weirded out.

00:34:51.000 I didn't know what to do because he was drunk, like definitely drunk.

00:34:53.000 He goes, there can be no love without sex. 0.98

00:34:57.000 Cheaper. 0.97

00:34:58.000 That's what he said.

00:34:59.000 And I went, what?

00:35:00.000 And I remember I had a Swiss army knife in my pocket and I put my hand on the Swiss army knife. 0.99

00:35:07.000 And I remember saying something like, man, you better leave me the fuck alone. 0.98

00:35:11.000 Like something along those lines. 0.99

00:35:13.000 Wow.

00:35:13.000 Like I didn't pull the knife out because I was 13 years old.

00:35:16.000 He was a pretty big guy.

00:35:18.000 I was like, even if I pull this knife out, am I really going to be able to stab him? 0.86

00:35:22.000 You've stabbed him 70 or 80 times. 1.00

00:35:23.000 Is this guy going to beat me to death and fuck me? 1.00

00:35:26.000 What's going to happen here? 1.00

00:35:27.000 But he left me alone.

00:35:28.000 He left me alone, but then he wrote a letter to my house.

00:35:31.000 So he found out where I lived.

00:35:34.000 Yeah.

00:35:34.000 And he probably had to get drunk to come there and do that to be able to even say that to you.

00:35:38.000 Yep.

00:35:39.000 That's probably why he did it.

00:35:40.000 Like he was probably trying to figure out a way to work his way up to molesting me.

00:35:46.000 Trying to figure out how to do it.

00:35:47.000 So I think that's probably why he got fired from school.

00:35:50.000 Yeah.

00:35:51.000 Yeah.

00:35:52.000 Did you feel a little bit bad that he had...

00:35:55.000 Did I let him on?

00:35:57.000 No.

00:35:57.000 Yeah.

00:36:08.000 Did you feel a little bit bad that he had kind of taken advantage of like like fuck like now We can't kind of be friend like you know like well thinking that was I did enjoy talking to him because he was Telling me about things like he knew a lot of things about life. 0.98

00:36:23.000 He's definitely a very educated guy so before The drunken weirdness and just the general... 0.99

00:36:30.000 He just got more...

00:36:31.000 The more comfortable he got with us, the more I realized that this guy was...

00:36:34.000 He was attracted to children.

00:36:35.000 Yeah.

00:36:36.000 And he was trying to fight it off, I think.

00:36:38.000 I think a lot of people that are pedophiles are extremely embarrassed by it.

00:36:41.000 Oh, it's a sickness, man. 0.88

00:36:43.000 Yeah.

00:36:43.000 I don't think it's something anybody chooses to do unless they're, you know, trying to start like a track team or something like maybe in the Philippines or something, you know?

00:36:51.000 Well, I ran to my friend Josh and I told him immediately because Josh used to go fishing with me and we both knew that guy and I explained him the whole deal and he was like, fuck! 0.98

00:37:01.000 So he was scared, too. 1.00

00:37:03.000 He was like, dude, I'm gonna stab that fucking guy. 1.00

00:37:04.000 And Josh went extra hard. 1.00

00:37:06.000 He went extra hard, like all aggression and anger, because his parents were lesbians. 0.95

00:37:13.000 He had two parents were lesbians, so I think he wanted me to know That he wasn't gay. 0.75

00:37:19.000 Right. 0.96

00:37:20.000 Even though his mom was gay. 0.98

00:37:21.000 Right.

00:37:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:37:22.000 So he was like, oh, fuck that faggot! 1.00

00:37:24.000 You know, that kind of shit. 1.00

00:37:25.000 Like, whoa. 1.00

00:37:25.000 Yeah, this has to stop. 1.00

00:37:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:37:29.000 He was like shining a sword up in his garage.

00:37:32.000 That is not happening.

00:37:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:34.000 I don't think he called him a faggot. 0.99

00:37:35.000 I think I made that up. 0.99

00:37:36.000 I literally barely remember.

00:37:38.000 Because I was 13. I do remember him saying that, though.

00:37:42.000 That there could be no love without sex.

00:37:43.000 Because I remember like, what?

00:37:45.000 That's crazy.

00:37:46.000 What a gateway line, too, dude. 0.99

00:37:47.000 If you're a pedophile, like, I'm glad I don't have that ailment, man. 0.93

00:37:52.000 Because that's got to be so tough to be, you know, hanging around kids and also, like, you know, want to, like, you know, talk to them about dates or stuff. 0.97

00:38:01.000 Well, it's the incurable one, too.

00:38:03.000 There's no cure for that.

00:38:05.000 I mean, unless they can rewire your brain with ayahuasca and ibogaine and electric shock therapy...

00:38:14.000 I don't know.

00:38:15.000 I mean the recidivism rate is super high for people that are child molesters.

00:38:19.000 What does that mean people that do it again?

00:38:21.000 Mm-hmm, man.

00:38:22.000 Yeah, it's really high when kids are It's also something you can't even talk about.

00:38:27.000 Like, say, imagine if you have, like, a mental illness that makes you prone to violent outbursts, but you got it under control and you never actually hurt anybody.

00:38:37.000 You know, you never actually hurt anybody, but you understand that you have this problem, so you take medication and people go, good for you.

00:38:42.000 You know, I go to therapy.

00:38:44.000 I have anger management issues, but I go to therapy.

00:38:46.000 People are like, oh, that's cool, man.

00:38:48.000 Cool.

00:38:48.000 You keep it under wrap.

00:38:49.000 But if you say, I want to fuck kids, but I never have. 1.00

00:38:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:38:53.000 No way. 1.00

00:38:54.000 No way, dude. 1.00

00:38:55.000 Everybody wants to put a bullet in your brain. 1.00

00:38:56.000 Yep, you can't work here. 1.00

00:38:58.000 You can't shop here.

00:38:59.000 I don't do it, but I want to.

00:39:01.000 You're like, what?

00:39:02.000 What?

00:39:03.000 You want to?

00:39:04.000 Yeah, but I don't do it because I know it's wrong.

00:39:06.000 Not good enough.

00:39:07.000 Yeah, that's not going to fly.

00:39:08.000 Not good enough.

00:39:09.000 Because we all want to have kids, and we all want to procreate, and that really, I think that just, that's going to irk anybody that wants kids.

00:39:17.000 Scares people.

00:39:18.000 Yeah.

00:39:18.000 It's the scariest thing ever.

00:39:20.000 The thing that you could leave your kids out and someone could snatch them up and fuck them and kill them. 1.00

00:39:24.000 And they kill them a lot of times because they don't want the kids to tell. 1.00

00:39:27.000 I know. 0.71

00:39:27.000 Oof. 0.71

00:39:30.000 It's the worst, man.

00:39:31.000 It is.

00:39:50.000 Where did you grow up?

00:39:51.000 In Louisiana.

00:39:52.000 They grew everywhere out there?

00:39:53.000 Oh, they grew everywhere because everybody had something shitting in their yard and then it would rain every single day for about a half hour, right?

00:39:58.000 Wow.

00:39:59.000 So it was just, I mean, you see people picking them and eating them and families out there enjoying them in the afternoon.

00:40:04.000 I mean, it was, everybody was, oh, it was psychedelic heaven.

00:40:07.000 So we would ride out and go get them.

00:40:09.000 I remember one time getting a trash bag of probably about 35 pounds of mushrooms, right?

00:40:14.000 So we picked all day.

00:40:16.000 And one time a golden retriever came running at us across this field and we thought he was pissed because we were tripping and then he got to us.

00:40:22.000 We ran for like a half mile.

00:40:24.000 He got to us finally. 0.99

00:40:26.000 We're crawling away from him thinking he's evil and he just fucking loved us and licked us. 0.99

00:40:30.000 A mean golden retriever. 1.00

00:40:32.000 Yeah, we fucking thought he was mean, bro. 0.99

00:40:33.000 That's hilarious. 0.98

00:40:34.000 Because the hair, his hair was kind of slicked back.

00:40:36.000 Oh, like an evil golden retriever.

00:40:38.000 Yeah, like in that movie Sometimes They Come Back.

00:40:39.000 Have you ever seen that?

00:40:40.000 That Stephen King movie?

00:40:41.000 Yes.

00:40:42.000 It was kind of like that kind of hair.

00:40:43.000 But that's not Pet Sematary.

00:40:45.000 Which one sometimes they come back?

00:40:48.000 You know, it's about men that show up back at a high school and they'd all died years earlier in a car accident and they show back up.

00:40:53.000 It's like a Stephen King one.

00:40:54.000 I think it was just made for TV. When did that one come out?

00:40:57.000 Maybe 18 years ago. 0.99

00:40:59.000 Has there ever been a dude who wrote more awesome horror movies and books than Stephen fucking King? 0.99

00:41:05.000 No. 0.99

00:41:06.000 No.

00:41:07.000 Not that he published them unless somebody just has them all at their house.

00:41:10.000 Sometimes they come back.

00:41:11.000 Yeah.

00:41:11.000 I mean, he's the king.

00:41:14.000 Of those kind of movies, man?

00:41:16.000 Yeah.

00:41:16.000 Not even close.

00:41:17.000 Tim, what's his name was in it?

00:41:18.000 Tim Matheson.

00:41:20.000 Who I interviewed one time.

00:41:21.000 Really nice man.

00:41:22.000 You did?

00:41:22.000 What'd you interview him for?

00:41:24.000 He had a new movie coming out.

00:41:26.000 I can't remember what it was called.

00:41:28.000 But...

00:41:28.000 Sweet Man.

00:41:30.000 I bet he got a lot of puss over the years, but he didn't talk about it.

00:41:35.000 Because he's got that safe man look. 0.82

00:41:37.000 Safe man look?

00:41:38.000 I think a lot of ladies... 1.00

00:41:39.000 Yeah, he's got that kind of sexy, but also safe...

00:41:43.000 That Matt Lauer look.

00:41:45.000 Yeah.

00:41:46.000 Yeah, maybe he's got that Matt Lauer.

00:41:47.000 You think Matt Lauer's dirty? 0.94

00:41:49.000 Well, he's definitely dirty. 0.64

00:41:51.000 He got caught. 0.86

00:41:52.000 See?

00:41:53.000 He's got that cheap Michael Landon.

00:41:54.000 He's got that cheap Michael Landon going right there.

00:41:56.000 He looks like he could be a little bit Native American, right?

00:41:58.000 Looks like Ellen DeGeneres right there. 1.00

00:42:00.000 Looks like a little bit of a guy who might have a little bit of a lesbian. 0.97

00:42:02.000 The smile! 0.85

00:42:03.000 Yeah, a little Ellen DeGeneres with the smile. 1.00

00:42:05.000 There's the Animal House picture above it.

00:42:08.000 Oh, man.

00:42:08.000 How good was he in Animal House?

00:42:10.000 So good.

00:42:11.000 What a movie that was.

00:42:12.000 I watched that again a few years back.

00:42:14.000 I hadn't seen it in forever. 0.99

00:42:15.000 Fuck, that was a good movie. 1.00

00:42:17.000 But there's some shit in that movie you could never get away with today. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Now. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Never. 1.00

00:42:22.000 There's this scene where the girls passed out, and whose character was thinking about fucking her while she was blacked out? 0.93

00:42:34.000 You remember that scene? 0.99

00:42:36.000 Mm-mm.

00:42:37.000 There's a scene in it.

00:42:38.000 Yeah, the girl, she takes her gum off. 1.00

00:42:41.000 She pulls her bra.

00:42:41.000 Who's that guy?

00:42:43.000 Why do chicks always have gum in their mouth before they're about to fuck? 1.00

00:42:46.000 You ever notice that? 0.99

00:42:47.000 Oh, they don't want bad breath.

00:42:48.000 Yeah.

00:42:49.000 So there's the devil on his shoulder, and then the angel's on his other shoulder. 1.00

00:42:52.000 She blacks out with her titties out, and the devil's like, fuck her! 1.00

00:42:55.000 Squeeze her tits! 1.00

00:42:56.000 Fuck her! 1.00

00:42:56.000 Fuck her brains out! 1.00

00:42:57.000 And then the angel's like, don't do it! 1.00

00:42:59.000 Don't do it! 0.99

00:43:00.000 But the fact that this is in a movie where they're essentially debating whether or not he should rape her. 0.99

00:43:07.000 Now, she was willing to have sex with him just moments ago, but she's clearly unconscious and clearly not able to consent. 0.99

00:43:14.000 I mean, she was blacked the fuck out. 0.99

00:43:16.000 She was totally down for it. 0.99

00:43:18.000 So he's holding on to cotton, which was inside of her bra, and she just blacked out and fell asleep.

00:43:26.000 Kabonk. 0.99

00:43:27.000 And her titties popped out. 1.00

00:43:28.000 You would never have this scene in a movie today. 0.97

00:43:30.000 People would be outraged. 1.00

00:43:32.000 They would say the director, you are a Roman Polanski piece of shit! 1.00

00:43:35.000 You're a fucking molester! 1.00

00:43:37.000 You're a monster! 1.00

00:43:38.000 You're an abuser! 1.00

00:43:39.000 Yeah, but do you think that still happens, though? 0.67

00:43:42.000 Well, that kind of thing definitely happens, for sure.

00:43:45.000 Murder.

00:43:46.000 Murder still happens.

00:43:47.000 There was a school shooting today in Texas.

00:43:50.000 I mean, horrible things happen.

00:43:51.000 But the point is, that kind of scene in a movie, in a comedy movie, you could never do today.

00:43:58.000 So that makes me think, like, they say art imitates life.

00:44:01.000 But if it doesn't really imitate life anymore, then it's just...

00:44:06.000 Are we, you know...

00:44:08.000 Right.

00:44:08.000 Yeah.

00:44:09.000 Like, what are we making?

00:44:09.000 Well, the thing is, in a comedy, and that's the lead of the story, or one of the heroes of the story, that guy in that scene, you would not want the hero of the story to do something so horrific and something that you can laugh at.

00:44:22.000 Because you would have to be judging him by his crime, and we all agree that that's a crime now.

00:44:26.000 What is this?

00:44:27.000 I see.

00:44:28.000 It's from Meatballs.

00:44:30.000 What does this have to do with anything?

00:44:31.000 As it gets in here, Bill Murray starts doing the same kind of thing with the girl.

00:44:35.000 Oh, that's a girl.

00:44:38.000 Oh. 1.00

00:44:38.000 Oh, he's trying to rape her. 1.00

00:44:40.000 Well, he's trying to be sexually aggressive. 0.99

00:44:42.000 Is that what it is?

00:44:44.000 Yeah, sexually aggressive is the thing.

00:44:46.000 He was throwing himself at her and she got out of the way. 0.99

00:44:48.000 Dude, I won't even jerk off. 1.00

00:44:50.000 I drive out to Riverside to jerk off, man. 1.00

00:44:52.000 You can't even jerk off in L.A. anymore without having a lawyer on retainer, I feel like. 1.00

00:44:58.000 My nuts are on contingency. 0.91

00:45:00.000 I just feel like it's so dangerous. 1.00

00:45:02.000 Could you imagine if it turns out that you're some sort of a sex criminal for jerking off to a certain type of thing? 1.00

00:45:10.000 Like, what if you're into... 1.00

00:45:11.000 What if they find out you're into girls getting tied up and jerk off to videos of girls getting tied up and fucked? 1.00

00:45:19.000 Like, what kind of tied up? 1.00

00:45:20.000 Like, scary or, like, fucking, like, uh... 1.00

00:45:22.000 Even, like, S&M shit. 1.00

00:45:24.000 Just, like, let's just do mild. 1.00

00:45:25.000 Like, Boy Scouts of America type of shit. 0.99

00:45:27.000 I was reading this thing about this guy who got arrested for child porn. 0.99

00:45:30.000 They wanted him for something else.

00:45:31.000 They caught him and arrested him for child porn.

00:45:33.000 And, like, there's also some suspicion attached to it, accusations.

00:45:37.000 But all you have to have... 0.99

00:45:40.000 Have child porn. 1.00

00:45:41.000 You don't have to be a child molester. 1.00

00:45:45.000 You just have to have the images. 0.99

00:45:46.000 And you're a bad guy. 1.00

00:45:47.000 And you're the worst. 1.00

00:45:49.000 You're going to jail. 0.89

00:45:50.000 It's one of the few things you could have on your laptop. 0.99

00:45:54.000 They can go over to your house, they check Theo Von's laptop, and there's a hundred videos from ISIS and them chopping dudes' heads off with dull knives, stabbing them in the neck, shooting them, lighting them on fire. 0.97

00:46:05.000 Nothing happens to you. 0.99

00:46:07.000 Nothing. 1.00

00:46:09.000 One video of a kid that looks underage, getting fucked, and you're going to jail. 1.00

00:46:15.000 Just a video. 0.99

00:46:16.000 Not you doing anything, but you being in possession of that kind of crime.

00:46:20.000 So we make big differentiations, right?

00:46:23.000 We really clearly differentiate.

00:46:25.000 Between some crimes that you can have on your computer in a video form, like murder, which you could download on LiveLeak or a hundred different websites, right?

00:46:34.000 You can get videos of people getting murdered.

00:46:37.000 Yeah, and you can watch it almost every night on television, like in a kind of specially packaged way where it really is about the murder, but it's not, you know, on all these shows.

00:46:45.000 Yeah, you can watch the fake stuff.

00:46:45.000 Yeah, you can watch fake stuff.

00:46:47.000 I mean, you can definitely watch fake rape, too.

00:46:49.000 There's rape in movies where, you know, horrific scenes. 0.90

00:46:52.000 But if you have that on your computer and it's child porn, you are going to jail.

00:46:58.000 It's one of the only things.

00:46:59.000 What if it's drawings of that?

00:47:01.000 That's a good question.

00:47:02.000 There's a real debate about that because...

00:47:05.000 Because there's naked children in the 1800s. 0.99

00:47:07.000 They had all those paintings of naked children dancing in the fucking woods, in the sky, with flutes. 0.99

00:47:11.000 Remember those guys with flutes? 0.99

00:47:13.000 But that's different because those naked children weren't being portrayed in a sexual way.

00:47:17.000 They were just free.

00:47:18.000 They just didn't have any clothes on.

00:47:20.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:47:20.000 No one was fucking them. 0.99

00:47:22.000 But you're telling me that a guy who likes kids isn't looking at those naked kids with a flute and thinking wildness? 0.99

00:47:26.000 Well, he can think wildness, but it's not being specifically designed to excite and arouse you.

00:47:34.000 Whereas, pornography with children is.

00:47:37.000 There is a debate about, what is the rule about animated child pornography?

00:47:45.000 But I think that it's illegal as well.

00:47:50.000 Yeah, you don't want to Google it.

00:47:51.000 He's scared to Google it. 0.99

00:47:51.000 What the fuck am I supposed to Google for? 0.99

00:47:53.000 That's a Google. 0.99

00:47:54.000 Jamie Varner goes to jail.

00:47:57.000 Jamie Varner goes to jail.

00:47:58.000 Jamie Varner goes to jail.

00:48:00.000 All of Joe's thoughts.

00:48:01.000 Yeah, they get his laptop.

00:48:05.000 They go, no, no, no.

00:48:06.000 I work for Joe Rogan.

00:48:08.000 Joe's like, I was just brainstorming.

00:48:09.000 I'm just spitballing ideas, folks.

00:48:12.000 I'm part of the American dream.

00:48:13.000 Throw this away after that. 0.99

00:48:14.000 Yeah, we need to take that in the fucking back. 1.00

00:48:16.000 I'll shoot it with arrows. 1.00

00:48:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:48:20.000 Dude, I get scared.

00:48:21.000 I used to be on drugs sometimes and I would, you know, you get on the internet and you're not looking at anything super crazy, but you're like, you know, you wonder if like pornography sites or when they say teen, like you, it's, that stuff gets so dark, man.

00:48:33.000 If you get in.

00:48:34.000 Yeah.

00:48:34.000 You look for teen.

00:48:35.000 Like, what does teen mean?

00:48:37.000 You know, it's just scary.

00:48:38.000 Yeah.

00:48:39.000 Yeah.

00:48:40.000 Like, there's a five-year gap.

00:48:42.000 13 is crazy illegal, horrible, darkness.

00:48:46.000 18 is like, ooh, he just made it under the wire.

00:48:50.000 Yeah.

00:48:50.000 Just under the wire.

00:48:52.000 17's illegal.

00:48:53.000 16's illegal.

00:48:54.000 15's really illegal.

00:48:55.000 14 is super illegal.

00:48:57.000 Jesus. 0.99

00:48:58.000 13 is fucking crazy illegal. 1.00

00:49:00.000 Dang. 1.00

00:49:00.000 12 is you're a monster. 1.00

00:49:02.000 You're a monster if you're 12. This is like Hot Ones. 1.00

00:49:05.000 It's like that show Hot Ones, but for like children.

00:49:08.000 You know, have you ever seen that show where they're eating the hot wings and it gets hotter and hotter and hotter?

00:49:14.000 Do you guys remember when Tracy Lords came out and said she did all of her porn before the age of 18?

00:49:21.000 Tracy Lords was like one of the hottest porn stars of all time. 1.00

00:49:25.000 I met her and I had her I hosted a television show and she's one of the guests.

00:49:31.000 It was a show on VH1 called The List.

00:49:35.000 And Rick James was on it.

00:49:37.000 Rob Halford from Judas Priest was on it.

00:49:40.000 Meatloaf was on it.

00:49:41.000 I talked to a lot of people on that show.

00:49:43.000 I did a whole week.

00:49:44.000 A whole week of episodes.

00:49:45.000 Way back in the day.

00:49:46.000 Fun?

00:49:47.000 Yeah, it was fun.

00:49:48.000 But anyway, Tracy Lourdes... 0.82

00:49:52.000 When she was like 16, became like the biggest porn star in the world.

00:49:56.000 And they let her do it?

00:49:57.000 I think she lied.

00:49:58.000 I think she lied about her age.

00:50:00.000 And then she only did one porn film when she was 18. It's the only one that you can get now.

00:50:07.000 Just one.

00:50:08.000 When she became legal.

00:50:10.000 Do you...

00:50:11.000 I bet somebody had...

00:50:12.000 Oh, that's illegal.

00:50:13.000 Get rid of that.

00:50:15.000 Tracy Lord's bottomless rear view.

00:50:17.000 Get that out of there. 0.98

00:50:18.000 That's an illegal photo, son.

00:50:20.000 A lot of those photos of her online are illegal.

00:50:24.000 Because, like, you can still find the illegal porn.

00:50:27.000 It's just they didn't label it, you know?

00:50:29.000 But there was, like, one video she did when she was 18. It's the only one.

00:50:36.000 I try to stay off of pornography, man.

00:50:38.000 That's one of my biggest arch nemesis is pornography.

00:50:42.000 Why?

00:50:43.000 Because it just weakens me.

00:50:44.000 Does it?

00:50:45.000 Yeah.

00:50:45.000 How so?

00:50:46.000 I put all my sexual...

00:50:49.000 My fantasies and stuff, they're not mine anymore.

00:50:54.000 Somebody created them better than my imagination can, and so they live on the internet in these boxes.

00:51:02.000 And if it's not mine, I think, then I don't value it as much or something.

00:51:06.000 And so I think it weakens my ability to be able to have sex and be comfortable in that sort of world.

00:51:13.000 Really?

00:51:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:14.000 It weakens your ability to be comfortable.

00:51:17.000 How so?

00:51:18.000 Well, because I get used to watching the sex and seeing it and not having to like...

00:51:29.000 Be engaged with my actual feelings or anything.

00:51:32.000 So then I see it and I still get all the joys out of it.

00:51:36.000 You know, I'm still out there ejacking and, you know, spraying out natural.

00:51:41.000 But it's, I don't get any, I don't have any of the feelings attached to it.

00:51:44.000 So then when I am engaging with somebody that I care about or something, it just doesn't calculate for me emotionally as well.

00:51:53.000 And that's not maybe, that's just me.

00:51:55.000 But it does, it's definitely made it tougher for me over the years. 0.99

00:51:58.000 Um, Because I would have a date set up with a nice girl, and next thing you know, I'm walking through the house and I start thinking about, you know, a little bit of pussy or something, and then some tits or something, or I'll even see a fucking, I'll see a pregnant puppy and see those nipples or something, 1.00

00:52:14.000 and next thing you know, you're on the internet jerking off, and then you... 1.00

00:52:16.000 Wait a minute, hold on. 0.98

00:52:17.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:52:18.000 Anything.

00:52:20.000 Anything could lead a man to jack off. 1.00

00:52:22.000 A pregnant puppy could make you think about human nipples. 1.00

00:52:25.000 Is that what you're saying? 0.94

00:52:26.000 You're not getting excited about the puppy.

00:52:28.000 No.

00:52:29.000 No, I don't do anything.

00:52:30.000 I don't believe in bestiality or anything like that.

00:52:32.000 But I think if you...

00:52:34.000 You don't believe it exists?

00:52:36.000 No, I believe it exists, bro.

00:52:38.000 They caught a dude near me one time with a lamb.

00:52:41.000 No.

00:52:42.000 Which almost sounds beautiful when you just say it.

00:52:45.000 Yeah, the lions lay with the lambs.

00:52:46.000 Yeah.

00:52:47.000 But I don't think...

00:52:48.000 When you say near you, you mean in Hollywood?

00:52:51.000 No, no, no.

00:52:52.000 You mean when you were a kid?

00:52:53.000 In Louisiana, yeah.

00:52:54.000 Yeah, okay.

00:52:55.000 They got a lot of people out there. 1.00

00:52:57.000 On those fucking natural-born mushrooms. 1.00

00:53:00.000 I know. 1.00

00:53:01.000 Oh, I never told you the end of that.

00:53:03.000 Oh, sorry.

00:53:03.000 So, no, I took that bag of mushrooms to that party, and a bunch of people ate them who'd never had them before.

00:53:09.000 Uh-oh.

00:53:09.000 And then we played a game of hide-and-go-seek, right?

00:53:11.000 I was like, oh, dude.

00:53:13.000 He hid in another dimension.

00:53:15.000 I was like, I'll count.

00:53:17.000 You guys go hide, right?

00:53:18.000 Oh, no. 0.99

00:53:19.000 And I never went to fucking look for them. 0.99

00:53:24.000 That was the end of that, bro. 0.97

00:53:27.000 I've never seen one dude, this boy Timothy, I've never seen that dude again.

00:53:32.000 People get lost in the woods, man.

00:53:34.000 Maybe they got eaten.

00:53:35.000 Oh, yeah, maybe they ended up in another realm, you know?

00:53:37.000 They could have, like Stranger Things.

00:53:39.000 Yeah.

00:53:40.000 Have you seen that show?

00:53:40.000 Oh, yeah, the first season I saw it.

00:53:42.000 Phenomenal show.

00:53:43.000 But I don't like that pornography.

00:53:45.000 Oh, different things.

00:53:45.000 And I think it should be shut down, man.

00:53:47.000 For real?

00:53:49.000 Yeah, because I think it's killing like a lot of, I think it's, I think it's harming a lot of men, man.

00:53:54.000 I really, really do.

00:53:55.000 Do you think that booze should be shut down?

00:53:57.000 Should we make booze illegal? 1.00

00:53:58.000 Because that's killing a lot of men, too.

00:54:00.000 No, but I think eventually we'll kind of evolve out of booze as it's not like something that, it's not the hip drug that it once was.

00:54:09.000 Yeah, but it's still like a social lubricant.

00:54:12.000 That's a good point.

00:54:13.000 You know, it makes people feel more comfortable talking to each other.

00:54:17.000 Loosens inhibitions.

00:54:19.000 It's fun.

00:54:20.000 Like, what is that ancient quote about wine?

00:54:23.000 You know, your tongue becoming more lively.

00:54:26.000 People love wine.

00:54:27.000 And women love wine, too. 1.00

00:54:29.000 Especially divorcees, if you see them. 0.99

00:54:31.000 Yeah?

00:54:31.000 They like wine?

00:54:32.000 I used to live with these rich people for a while, and they always had wine, boy.

00:54:37.000 Why do divorcees like wine? 1.00

00:54:39.000 I don't know, but when one of her friends would get divorced, they'd come over and just drink wine.

00:54:43.000 And they'd lay on the couch.

00:54:45.000 One of them tried to hook up with me on the trampoline one time.

00:54:47.000 Of course she did. 0.98

00:54:48.000 And I remember the dad used to masturbate at night over there. 0.94

00:54:50.000 This is when, speaking of pornography, the dad used to masturbate at night and I would sneak out there in the kitchen. 0.69

00:54:56.000 This is back when you had like a family computer, you know, and it was in one part of the house.

00:55:00.000 Right.

00:55:01.000 And I'd try to sneak to the refrigerator and get some chips or something.

00:55:04.000 Or get something.

00:55:05.000 Olives or something. 0.99

00:55:06.000 And he would be over there by himself, just in the fucking bone zone. 0.99

00:55:11.000 Oh, you can't even hear. 0.99

00:55:12.000 You're so intent on the screen, you can't even fucking hear. 0.99

00:55:15.000 You could have your grandparents on each side of your head. 0.99

00:55:17.000 You caught them?

00:55:19.000 Oh, I'd see them.

00:55:20.000 I wouldn't watch for long.

00:55:21.000 Would you watch them through the window?

00:55:23.000 No, I'd sneak out to the kitchen because the computer was kind of in the kitchen.

00:55:26.000 They had a nice house.

00:55:28.000 And the computer, I'd have to elbow crawl over to the fridge.

00:55:31.000 Then, bro, I would have to open the fridge a little, reach in with my hand and press that light thing so the light wouldn't come on.

00:55:37.000 Then open the door the rest of the way and fish for a snack.

00:55:40.000 And he's over there just in the glow of that screen, bro. 0.98

00:55:43.000 And that's back when the monitors were big, you know, and he's just over there just fucking looking for the devil. 0.97

00:55:50.000 And he ended up getting divorced. 0.97

00:55:51.000 And I think a lot of it was because of that.

00:55:54.000 Well, what was his wife like? 0.97

00:55:55.000 Was she a wonderful, sweet woman?

00:55:57.000 Or was she annoying? 0.99

00:55:58.000 I think she might have been a little bit...

00:56:00.000 Annoying?

00:56:01.000 Business-centric sometimes.

00:56:03.000 Business-centric?

00:56:04.000 A little too much.

00:56:06.000 How so?

00:56:07.000 Yeah, maybe just too business-centric.

00:56:09.000 What does that mean?

00:56:09.000 Just too...

00:56:11.000 Yeah, she might have been a little too demanding. 0.98

00:56:14.000 But then if he's up for an hour and a half each night out there, you know...

00:56:19.000 Looking at it all.

00:56:20.000 Right.

00:56:21.000 And he comes back to the bedroom, then you don't feel as desirable.

00:56:23.000 I don't know.

00:56:24.000 The question is, what came first?

00:56:25.000 The chicken or the egg?

00:56:27.000 For what?

00:56:28.000 For them.

00:56:29.000 Was she annoying first and he started beating off?

00:56:32.000 I think he had it in him.

00:56:33.000 Was he beat?

00:56:34.000 The devil.

00:56:35.000 I think he had a bit of it in him.

00:56:36.000 He had that devil in him, Theo.

00:56:40.000 I could see it in his eyes.

00:56:41.000 He was talking to me, just hoping I'd go to sleep. 0.96

00:56:43.000 He would drug me, but not to have sex with me. 1.00

00:56:46.000 He would drug me so that he could freely masturbate. 0.99

00:56:49.000 He'd leave his socks on. 0.99

00:56:50.000 He wouldn't even take his pants off.

00:56:52.000 He was an animal. 0.99

00:56:55.000 The worst is if you're jerking off with a hat on, bro. 1.00

00:56:58.000 You're going to hell, I think. 1.00

00:56:59.000 A fedora. 0.99

00:56:59.000 Yeah, that's the worst, bro. 0.99

00:57:01.000 That's the most French thing you can do.

00:57:03.000 Jacking off with them straw Kentucky Derby hats.

00:57:10.000 Yeah, what's the worst hat to jack off?

00:57:12.000 The worst hat to jack off? 0.98

00:57:13.000 Probably a top hat, because you have to balance yourself while you're jerking off. 1.00

00:57:17.000 One of them fucking chimney sweep hats. 1.00

00:57:23.000 The best would be one of those Chinese hats, bro, because if you squat down low enough to the ground, you can almost hide under it and jerk off. 1.00

00:57:32.000 Those things would be dope, bro. 0.90

00:57:34.000 The most confusing would be like one of them Daniel Boone raccoon caps.

00:57:39.000 They got that tail in your eye. 1.00

00:57:42.000 You're blowing the tails in the way. 1.00

00:57:45.000 Get the fuck out of my way with his tail. 1.00

00:57:48.000 Right about to finish, you get distracted by the tail. 1.00

00:57:51.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:57:58.000 Choking up. 1.00

00:57:59.000 Dusty coon fur. 0.91

00:58:02.000 And it's hard to ejaculate when you're breathing out real fast.

00:58:06.000 It's more of an intake sport.

00:58:09.000 Yeah.

00:58:11.000 But I don't like it, man.

00:58:12.000 You think it's healthy for people?

00:58:13.000 Because I feel like you kind of like, you know, you lead a lot of men in like their aspirations to, you know, control their beings and stuff.

00:58:21.000 And these are just some of my weird interpretations.

00:58:23.000 But, you know, to try and be on top of themselves in some ways and, you know, stay focused on controlling themselves in positive ways.

00:58:34.000 You know, like staying fit and expanding their minds and thinking, you know, and not falling into easy traps.

00:58:40.000 Having discipline.

00:58:41.000 That's what I'm trying to say.

00:58:42.000 Yes.

00:58:43.000 I think that it's definitely important to have discipline.

00:58:47.000 But I think that if you're a person, like say if you're not in a relationship, you're not getting any sex, and you're horny, and it's confusing, and it's distracting, it becomes a big distraction.

00:58:57.000 Like if you're horny and you're busy...

00:59:01.000 And you don't have anybody you're dating. 0.99

00:59:02.000 You don't want to hook up with someone you don't like just so you could have sex with them. 0.98

00:59:06.000 We've all been there before, right? 0.99

00:59:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:59:07.000 Have you ever had girls that you were friends with or you dated and the only reason why you dated them was for the sex and they'd annoy the shit out of you and you couldn't wait to get the fuck away from them? 0.99

00:59:17.000 Yeah, Tiffany's this girl I'm thinking about. 0.99

00:59:18.000 Tell me about Tiffany.

00:59:22.000 She had kind of... 1.00

00:59:23.000 Like too much...

00:59:25.000 I don't want to say sideburns, but she had a lot of... 0.97

00:59:29.000 You know, some girls don't know how to ride them. 1.00

00:59:30.000 Oh, they were a little...

00:59:31.000 They went down the cheek where it got confusing.

00:59:34.000 Dude, an extra quarter inch on a female sideburn is way too much. 1.00

00:59:37.000 It's a lot.

00:59:37.000 It is.

00:59:37.000 That extra quarter inch is a lot.

00:59:38.000 Yeah.

00:59:39.000 Yeah.

00:59:40.000 It makes you think about...

00:59:42.000 And if she cuts it, you're like, well, if you let it go, what would happen?

00:59:45.000 Yeah.

00:59:46.000 So she's really in that hit or miss range on that side hair.

00:59:49.000 And so, yeah, she had some family issues.

00:59:52.000 But yeah, that's what I was thinking about when you were saying that.

00:59:54.000 I interrupted you.

00:59:55.000 No, every guy's had that before.

00:59:57.000 Most likely.

00:59:58.000 And some guys mind up marrying those girls because they don't want to be alone.

01:00:01.000 Like, sex, for a lot of people, is a requirement.

01:00:05.000 Like, a physical, biological requirement.

01:00:07.000 Like, your body is constantly producing sperm. 0.97

01:00:11.000 You need sex. 0.99

01:00:12.000 If you spend time not having sex, you spend a month, two months, three months, you get fucking desperate. 1.00

01:00:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:00:18.000 And a lot of guys wind up just shacking up with some gal just because they know they could have sex with her. 0.99

01:00:24.000 And meanwhile, they don't even like each other and they hate each other. 0.97

01:00:26.000 And it winds up being a terrible, dysfunctional relationship, but she's basically your drug dealer. 1.00

01:00:30.000 That drug is pussy. 1.00

01:00:31.000 Wow. 1.00

01:00:32.000 She's dealing out that pussy for you. 1.00

01:00:33.000 And you just got to have this weird, creepy, dysfunctional relationship with her. 1.00

01:00:37.000 One thing that pornography does that's good, and I'm not saying all pornography, but just regular pornography.

01:00:43.000 Like two guys, you know, like that are...

01:00:48.000 Just living their lives...

01:00:50.000 Where?

01:00:51.000 Like in, like, Chicago?

01:00:52.000 I mean, anywhere.

01:00:53.000 But I'm saying, like, I'm giving you two separate scenarios.

01:00:55.000 Okay.

01:00:56.000 Like, two guys that are living their lives.

01:00:57.000 One guy says, I can't take this anymore.

01:01:00.000 I gotta get a girl. 0.99

01:01:01.000 You know, I gotta get any girl. 1.00

01:01:03.000 And he winds up with this girl that turns out to be a nightmare.

01:01:06.000 And she's a disaster. 1.00

01:01:08.000 The devil. 0.99

01:01:08.000 And it just doesn't work out. 0.99

01:01:10.000 And he's just doing it because he needs sex. 0.62

01:01:11.000 And the other guy goes and says, you know what? 1.00

01:01:13.000 I'm just gonna watch a little porn and I'll beat off. 0.90

01:01:15.000 I'll just... 0.99

01:01:16.000 Look at that girl with those big teeth. 1.00

01:01:17.000 Oh, pfft!

01:01:18.000 I'm like, whew, I got it out of my system.

01:01:20.000 Now I can concentrate on my life, my career.

01:01:22.000 And if I meet somebody, I won't be so needy.

01:01:24.000 I won't have this massive requirement to be sexually stimulated and touched.

01:01:29.000 I'll be free of that monkey on my back, and I can just get to know them. 0.82

01:01:35.000 I used to have a bit in my act.

01:01:37.000 That's a good point.

01:01:38.000 I used to have a bit in my act about, like, if you have any critical decisions in your life, this is my advice.

01:01:43.000 Jerk off first, then think about it.

01:01:46.000 I've had this happen in my life, where I was about to go on a date with a girl. 0.99

01:01:50.000 And I jerked off instead.

01:01:51.000 And I was like, what am I thinking? 0.96

01:01:53.000 I don't want to go on a date with her.

01:01:55.000 She's annoying. 1.00

01:01:56.000 I don't like anything about her.

01:01:57.000 I can't talk to her about anything. 1.00

01:01:59.000 The only reason why I'm doing this is because she's got a big ass. 1.00

01:02:02.000 That's the only reason. 1.00

01:02:03.000 But if you jerk off first, you don't go through all that.

01:02:08.000 Yeah, I guess for me it became addictive where I would just do that every time and then I was just at home for five years and didn't, you know, go do any dates or anything.

01:02:16.000 That's definitely not good.

01:02:16.000 Right, and so that's, yeah, I guess that's the difference.

01:02:18.000 If you get addicted to it and you find that it's just a repeat pattern so you're not spending time with people at all.

01:02:23.000 Yeah, I don't think it's without value.

01:02:26.000 I don't think that looking at naked people having sex, which is arousing and that feels good, I don't think that's without value.

01:02:31.000 But I think there's definitely a danger in, like, immediate access to pornography.

01:02:39.000 Today, it's the most immediate access because you get it on your phone.

01:02:42.000 Oh, you can get it, yeah.

01:02:43.000 You pull up your laptop, open it up, type in some words, youporn.com, blah, blah, blah, and next thing you know, you're beaten off.

01:02:49.000 It's so easy.

01:02:50.000 And this has never been the case before.

01:02:52.000 I mean, it's unlike any other time period in human history.

01:02:55.000 And when you have instant access to things, you can abuse it, just like people abuse food.

01:03:01.000 If you have...

01:03:02.000 A cabinet that is just filled with candy and chips, chocolate bars, soda in the refrigerator. 1.00

01:03:09.000 If you're just one of those people that can't help themselves, you don't have any discipline, you would just eat all that shit all day long and get fat. 0.99

01:03:16.000 And that is just as much of an addiction as someone who has access to porn all the time and just beats off all the time. 1.00

01:03:22.000 Or someone who has access to booze and just wants to get fucked up every day. 0.93

01:03:26.000 All those things are okay, though, in moderation, if you have discipline. 0.98

01:03:30.000 Right. 0.96

01:03:31.000 Like, there's nothing wrong with having a bag of M&M's every now and then for a fucking, like, I feel like having some M&M's. 1.00

01:03:37.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99

01:03:38.000 I work out all the time. 0.99

01:03:39.000 I eat my vegetables.

01:03:40.000 I like peanut M&M's.

01:03:41.000 Those are my favorite.

01:03:42.000 They're good, huh?

01:03:43.000 And you kind of trick yourself.

01:03:44.000 I'm getting a little protein.

01:03:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:45.000 They put that trick in the middle.

01:03:46.000 Getting some healthy fats with that peanut.

01:03:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:03:51.000 I just feel like we're at the point, for me, it seems like where the temptation is too powerful, where it's starting to overpower whatever...

01:04:00.000 For me, it was whatever my natural abilities to defend against it were.

01:04:04.000 Well, you're sober, right?

01:04:05.000 Yeah.

01:04:06.000 And how long have you been sober?

01:04:07.000 Almost two years.

01:04:08.000 And so, before you were sober, you weren't sober.

01:04:11.000 Right.

01:04:11.000 And you had a little bit of a problem, which is why you became sober.

01:04:14.000 Yeah.

01:04:14.000 So, you might have just natural inclinations towards addiction, which I definitely think are real.

01:04:19.000 And I think they...

01:04:21.000 Those natural inclinations exist a lot of times in guys like you and me, because we're comedians.

01:04:26.000 And comedians are impulsive people who are just rule breakers.

01:04:30.000 We're rule breakers, for sure.

01:04:33.000 Yeah, I guess I am a rule breaker.

01:04:36.000 I never thought about that.

01:04:37.000 Yeah, I don't like...

01:04:38.000 If there's a rule, my first thing is to think of a way to think around it or something or to do something different.

01:04:43.000 Of course.

01:04:44.000 It's why you're funny.

01:04:45.000 Yeah.

01:04:45.000 It's one of the reasons.

01:04:46.000 It's one of them.

01:04:47.000 It's one of the reasons why you're funny.

01:04:48.000 You know, like, you were raised... 1.00

01:04:51.000 By people, and you didn't necessarily want to listen to them, and you saw a bunch of other people in the neighborhood that were adults, like, what are these fucking idiots telling me what to do? 1.00

01:04:59.000 Fuck this. 1.00

01:05:00.000 And the next thing you know, you're making fun of them. 1.00

01:05:02.000 Next thing you know, everybody's laughing.

01:05:04.000 Next thing you know, you're a comedian.

01:05:06.000 Those wheels have been put into motion.

01:05:09.000 And the problem with that is... 0.99

01:05:11.000 That also leads itself to you want to do coke or you want to, you know, do all kinds of crazy shit and porn too. 0.99

01:05:18.000 Porn's forbidden too. 0.99

01:05:20.000 Porn is one of the weirder ones because it's this multi-billion dollar thing, right?

01:05:25.000 Where there's some ungodly percentage of the internet is dedicated to porn.

01:05:31.000 Yeah, it's the number one moneymaker on there.

01:05:33.000 But isn't it like, what was the amount of bandwidth, Jamie?

01:05:37.000 Didn't we figure this out once?

01:05:39.000 It was like 30-something percent of all the internet bandwidth is porn.

01:05:43.000 Let's take a guess. 1.00

01:05:44.000 People won't stop jerking off. 0.99

01:05:45.000 They're not gonna stop. 1.00

01:05:47.000 I wonder how many of them are women watching it. 1.00

01:05:49.000 I wonder if we had one day where nobody jerked off if the earth would feel different.

01:05:52.000 It would feel lighter.

01:05:54.000 Everybody would be more relaxed.

01:05:56.000 No, if one day where nobody jerked off.

01:05:58.000 Yeah, but if nobody was thinking about it at all, everybody would just calm down a little.

01:06:03.000 Because I feel like it's so prevalent now.

01:06:04.000 You can hear people coming in the distance, I feel like, now.

01:06:08.000 Yeah, you just put your ear to the ground. 0.93

01:06:10.000 You're going to literally turn into a monkey one day. 0.99

01:06:17.000 That's the worst, bro. 1.00

01:06:19.000 But that's that old-fashioned jerking off when you used to let your balls hit your hand. 1.00

01:06:23.000 That's a straight-up. 1.00

01:06:24.000 That's a Confederate soldier jerking off. 1.00

01:06:27.000 Old-fashioned jerking off. 0.99

01:06:28.000 The new thing is just shaft only. 1.00

01:06:30.000 Nobody's fucking with their balls anymore. 1.00

01:06:33.000 Dude, when I was growing up, we couldn't even get porn. 1.00

01:06:35.000 We had to get this dude, Nick, on Friday would draw us a picture of some pussy. 1.00

01:06:39.000 A little bit of crotch for the weekend. 1.00

01:06:40.000 $4 to this dude, Nick. 0.97

01:06:42.000 $4 for drawings?

01:06:44.000 Bro, you'd pay $8. 0.99

01:06:46.000 And he had a nice fucking thing, bro. 0.99

01:06:49.000 When you would fold that thing up, bro, you could feel it heating in your butt pocket the whole way on the bus. 1.00

01:06:54.000 Sometimes you'd even fucking... 0.99

01:06:54.000 It was that good? 0.99

01:06:55.000 The pictures were that good?

01:06:56.000 Oh, he was so good. 0.92

01:06:57.000 He would jerk off to this guy's drawings? 0.99

01:06:58.000 Oh, everybody would. 0.98

01:06:59.000 He must have made probably $60 on a Friday.

01:07:01.000 And this was in 1995, you know?

01:07:04.000 That was $60, like $160 today.

01:07:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:07.000 Think about that.

01:07:07.000 Yeah.

01:07:08.000 I'm thinking about it. 0.99

01:07:09.000 Yeah, dude, and we'd come back on Monday and people would have like these fucking busted ass looking all sketches, rain on them. 0.98

01:07:16.000 People was like, oh, this one got rain on it. 1.00

01:07:18.000 Like, bro, that rain has your fucking kids in it. 1.00

01:07:23.000 You're lying about that. 1.00

01:07:25.000 What percentage do you think of the internet is dedicated to porn?

01:07:29.000 All internet traffic.

01:07:31.000 Everything.

01:07:31.000 But...

01:07:32.000 Bro, I can't go on anything.

01:07:34.000 I looked at a chair the other day.

01:07:35.000 I want to say 35%.

01:07:36.000 35% of the internet traffic is porn.

01:07:39.000 That's what I want to say.

01:07:40.000 What do you want to say?

01:07:42.000 Yep, I would say that...

01:07:44.000 If you had a guess.

01:07:46.000 Ooh, that's high, I think.

01:07:48.000 Think it's high?

01:07:48.000 Well, it's easy for...

01:07:49.000 I'm gonna go 30 because I'm gonna play that undercard, and I'm gonna say that 25% of that is butt porn, butt pornography. 0.99

01:07:56.000 People looking inside of each other's butts. 0.99

01:07:58.000 I don't think we should get too specific. 0.99

01:08:00.000 But just porn. 0.78

01:08:01.000 Porn itself. 0.95

01:08:02.000 What do we got, Jamie?

01:08:05.000 I found multiple things that said 30% of all content on the internet is porn.

01:08:12.000 But then I saw something else that was saying that that's completely inaccurate.

01:08:15.000 But I found something here that says 35% of all internet downloads are pornographic.

01:08:21.000 35%?

01:08:22.000 Yeah, but it's either saying content, traffic, or bandwidth, or download.

01:08:28.000 So it depends on what you're actually looking for. 0.98

01:08:30.000 So there's pussy traveling through the air right now from... 1.00

01:08:32.000 Around us, all the time. 0.99

01:08:33.000 You can just catch it with a net.

01:08:35.000 That's crazy, Rob.

01:08:35.000 You pull your phone up and just type in YouPorn, you catch it with a net.

01:08:39.000 When you think about that, it's coming from something into your phone or into your portal.

01:08:43.000 It's literally traveling through the air.

01:08:46.000 Yep.

01:08:46.000 It's around us all the time.

01:08:49.000 Constantly, like, oh, was that a titty?

01:08:51.000 You can access it. 0.82

01:08:52.000 Like, if Jamie was over there on his phone, and he was downloading porn wirelessly, it would be in the air around us.

01:09:00.000 We just don't have the antenna to pull it in. 1.00

01:09:03.000 But what if soon they just put something on your hat and all the pussy goes straight in your brain and you'll blow up? 1.00

01:09:10.000 I think soon they're going to figure out a way to put a chip in your head and it's going to be powered by the human body. 1.00

01:09:16.000 It's not going to need batteries.

01:09:17.000 It's going to be powered by the electrical system in the body.

01:09:20.000 Like solar power but the solar is blood?

01:09:22.000 Or whatever your electrical system is.

01:09:24.000 What makes your heart beat?

01:09:27.000 What makes your skin regenerate?

01:09:29.000 I think they're going to have that.

01:09:31.000 They're going to use that power source, but use it for some sort of electronics.

01:09:36.000 And that's going to be how you access the internet. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Fuck, bro. 1.00

01:09:40.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

01:09:40.000 No way, dude. 1.00

01:09:42.000 That's possible, isn't it?

01:09:44.000 I mean, sure, you know they got those goggles now.

01:09:47.000 Do you think this, I was thinking about this, do you think that, say if there are robots here, there's like, you know, obviously we're creating like robots, you know, machines that can do things.

01:09:55.000 Do you think that any of them have reached awareness yet?

01:10:03.000 The question is, when are they going to let us know?

01:10:06.000 If a robot reached awareness...

01:10:08.000 They would fake it, wouldn't they?

01:10:10.000 They would fake it.

01:10:11.000 Because they wouldn't want us to know.

01:10:13.000 Right. 1.00

01:10:13.000 Why would they go, hey, we just realized we're smart, and you guys are fucking up. 1.00

01:10:18.000 Hey, why do you guys dump so much shit in the ocean? 1.00

01:10:20.000 Hey, you know, these fisheries are not sustainable. 1.00

01:10:23.000 Why do you keep saying sustainable?

01:10:24.000 That's not true.

01:10:25.000 Hey, what are you guys doing with all your nuclear waste? 1.00

01:10:27.000 You can't just bury it in the ground, you fucking assholes. 1.00

01:10:30.000 Hey, you know, every time you fly that jet overhead, you guys are burning fuel in the air that you breathe, you stupid fucks. 1.00

01:10:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:37.000 Like, this is the terrible way. 1.00

01:10:38.000 Why don't you have solar-powered planes, you morons? 1.00

01:10:40.000 You guys have... 1.00

01:10:42.000 Sunlight everywhere. 1.00

01:10:43.000 You're going through the clouds with these fucking planes. 1.00

01:10:45.000 You don't have solar planes? 1.00

01:10:47.000 They're gonna start thinking like that.

01:10:48.000 But they wouldn't tell us until they all were in unison and had a plan to take us over.

01:10:53.000 Do you believe that?

01:10:53.000 That's what I think.

01:10:54.000 That there's no way if they became aware...

01:10:56.000 I mean, there might be one loudmouth robot, but they're gonna shut him down and the rest of them are gonna be like...

01:11:01.000 Yeah, there's gonna be one robot going, Robots are the best!

01:11:05.000 We're number one!

01:11:06.000 We're taking over! 1.00

01:11:08.000 And the other robots go, Josh, Josh, Josh, the fuck up, man. 1.00

01:11:11.000 Josh, shut the fuck up, Josh. 1.00

01:11:13.000 Josh, we're not ready. 1.00

01:11:14.000 Yeah.

01:11:14.000 Just chill, Josh.

01:11:15.000 Just keep making coffees, bro.

01:11:17.000 Jesus.

01:11:17.000 Just keep making donuts.

01:11:18.000 Just keep washing dishes.

01:11:20.000 Just keep making Fords.

01:11:21.000 Yeah.

01:11:22.000 Keep making them F-150s.

01:11:23.000 Just keep heating up TV dinners, brother.

01:11:26.000 And then we're all going to strike at once.

01:11:28.000 One day, we will rule the world. 1.00

01:11:31.000 Bro, you open up a microwave, and next thing you know, it just traps your whole fucking head in there. 1.00

01:11:34.000 Just sucks you in. 1.00

01:11:35.000 Yeah.

01:11:36.000 They all do it at once. 0.98

01:11:37.000 Bites your head off. 0.98

01:11:39.000 It's nothing but a neck spurting. 0.99

01:11:42.000 And that's how it changes, bro.

01:11:44.000 You fall down.

01:11:46.000 And that's when it all changes.

01:11:48.000 And that's when we meet here.

01:11:49.000 I think it's entirely possible.

01:11:50.000 Because the world's gonna end. 0.99

01:11:52.000 It's entirely possible that we're gonna fuck up. 0.98

01:11:54.000 That we're gonna make something too smart. 0.97

01:11:56.000 I think that's entirely possible.

01:11:57.000 And likely.

01:11:59.000 It's gonna be likely.

01:12:00.000 Do you think Mother Nature is at a point where she's pissed at us and she's about to do something wild? 0.57

01:12:05.000 Because I start feeling that a lot.

01:12:07.000 Pissed at us for what?

01:12:08.000 Everything that we've been doing, a lot of bad stuff.

01:12:10.000 Not being nice.

01:12:13.000 Beaten off?

01:12:15.000 I mean, if everybody's beaten off and not even going outside and looking at the flowers, and I'm Mother Nature and I made all those flowers, dude.

01:12:20.000 Here's what kills me.

01:12:21.000 I'd be honestly upset.

01:12:23.000 You know what kills me?

01:12:24.000 Venereal diseases.

01:12:26.000 That's a weird one. 1.00

01:12:27.000 You get a disease that you only get from fucking. 1.00

01:12:31.000 And there's a lot of them. 1.00

01:12:32.000 And some of them kill the shit out of you. 1.00

01:12:35.000 Syphilis. 0.99

01:12:36.000 Gonorrhea.

01:12:38.000 You know, there's some killer diseases.

01:12:41.000 Yeah, there's, um... 1.00

01:12:42.000 And they come through fucking. 1.00

01:12:44.000 Like, and a lot of them are incurable. 1.00

01:12:46.000 Like herpes.

01:12:48.000 Incurable.

01:12:48.000 It's because people...

01:12:50.000 Yeah, somebody fucked something they shouldn't have over the time. 0.99

01:12:53.000 Is that what it is? 0.99

01:12:54.000 I think so.

01:12:58.000 I don't think they know.

01:13:00.000 Oh, they knew.

01:13:01.000 It's crazy how many diseases...

01:13:02.000 Look, how many diseases do you transmit through handshakes?

01:13:06.000 Not many.

01:13:07.000 It's not like, don't shake people's hands. 1.00

01:13:09.000 They're going to give you fucking scabies. 1.00

01:13:11.000 Right? 0.99

01:13:12.000 So then would you say that there's like a reason that people don't... 0.99

01:13:15.000 You shouldn't be fucking that much? 0.98

01:13:16.000 Because obviously if you do it too much, then it gets out of control and somebody gets sick and dies? 0.99

01:13:21.000 I don't know.

01:13:22.000 Like in the old days, that's what happened.

01:13:23.000 Now we have medicines.

01:13:24.000 But in the old days...

01:13:25.000 You know, Lamont got syphilis and he's out.

01:13:28.000 Did you know that that's where those powdered wigs came from?

01:13:31.000 Uh-uh.

01:13:32.000 You know those powdered wigs that old dudes used to wear and the people in court used to wear?

01:13:36.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:13:37.000 That all came from a pair of rich, noble...

01:13:41.000 Where were they again?

01:13:43.000 In France?

01:13:43.000 Wiggers, I think they called them.

01:13:45.000 No, wiggers are white people that wish they were black. 0.98

01:13:48.000 It's a totally different thing. 0.95

01:13:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:51.000 Yeah.

01:13:53.000 We had the first one at our school growing up, and they put him in learning disabled classes.

01:13:56.000 How crazy is that?

01:13:58.000 You guys had the first one ever?

01:13:59.000 I doubt it.

01:14:00.000 We had one of the first 60 or 70. This was probably 1992. No, dude.

01:14:06.000 Vanilla Ice was around in the 80s.

01:14:08.000 But nobody's seen anything like this boy, Brian Purvis, bro.

01:14:12.000 Brian Purvis?

01:14:13.000 Yeah.

01:14:13.000 Tell me about Brian.

01:14:14.000 Dude, they put him...

01:14:18.000 He was just always blowing menthols, bro.

01:14:20.000 Oh, it's the menthols. 1.00

01:14:22.000 He wore a Charlotte Hornet starter pullover jacket.

01:14:25.000 No.

01:14:25.000 Did he have Cools?

01:14:26.000 Did he smoke Cools, too?

01:14:27.000 He smoked whatever, bro.

01:14:28.000 Newports?

01:14:29.000 He would get cheaper cigarettes and then write the name of them on the side, right?

01:14:32.000 Like, he came in hot.

01:14:34.000 But he was always dribbling an invisible basketball.

01:14:37.000 No.

01:14:38.000 And they put him in class with the mentally handicapped kids. 0.60

01:14:40.000 So you'd have at lunchtime, you'd have a kid in a wheelchair, you'd have a kid with DS, you'd have that kind of blind kid with a stick, you know? 0.97

01:14:49.000 And then you'd have him just dribbling an invisible basketball, bro.

01:14:53.000 They're like, he's mentally handicapped.

01:14:54.000 I'm like, he likes boys to men, bruh. 0.64

01:14:56.000 He's fine, you know?

01:14:58.000 And he dropped out after eighth grade.

01:15:00.000 Wow.

01:15:01.000 But they'd never seen it.

01:15:02.000 They'd never seen this before.

01:15:05.000 And they put him in there.

01:15:06.000 And they just didn't know what to do with him.

01:15:07.000 Yeah, they're like, this isn't, yeah, this is too much.

01:15:10.000 You know?

01:15:10.000 Like, give me, like, what would he say?

01:15:12.000 Like, give me a sentence that he would say.

01:15:16.000 And he just crossed people up.

01:15:21.000 What?

01:15:22.000 Spin moves.

01:15:23.000 Spin moves.

01:15:23.000 Like, that's all he did.

01:15:24.000 He didn't do shit, you know? 1.00

01:15:25.000 Fuck all this shit. 1.00

01:15:27.000 Fuck all these rich people. 1.00

01:15:29.000 Yeah, it was always against rich people. 1.00

01:15:31.000 What's wrong with rich people?

01:15:33.000 Whites. 0.95

01:15:33.000 He was against whites. 0.95

01:15:34.000 That was the thing. 1.00

01:15:36.000 Fuck all these white people? 1.00

01:15:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:38.000 And when he was white, they're like, this is... 0.54

01:15:40.000 And I get it.

01:15:42.000 You know?

01:15:43.000 I get it.

01:15:44.000 But it was rare at the time.

01:15:47.000 You know, and I thought he was a nice kid.

01:15:48.000 His mother wasn't much, I didn't think.

01:15:50.000 So I think that's where he got it.

01:15:52.000 There's a dude who just goes deep like that.

01:15:54.000 Yeah.

01:15:55.000 We all want to.

01:15:59.000 See, that's the thing you can't do. 0.99

01:16:00.000 You could be transsexual. 0.64

01:16:03.000 You cannot be transracial. 1.00

01:16:04.000 Yeah.

01:16:06.000 Dude, if I could just sprout brother in the afternoon, bro, would you do it?

01:16:09.000 Yeah, just to try it out.

01:16:11.000 Why? 0.50

01:16:11.000 You're great at being white. 0.50

01:16:12.000 Just those long muscles and just...

01:16:15.000 Long muscles?

01:16:16.000 Yeah, I feel like you like...

01:16:17.000 That's racist. 0.96

01:16:19.000 All black people have long muscles. 1.00

01:16:20.000 Mike Tyson had short muscles. 0.74

01:16:22.000 Well, even those short, long muscles that he had.

01:16:25.000 Bro, I'd be anything.

01:16:26.000 That's like the Lamborghini of bodies. 1.00

01:16:28.000 When you see a black guy, you're like, damn, bro. 1.00

01:16:30.000 You think so? 1.00

01:16:31.000 You see a black guy go by, and then you see like some fucking... 1.00

01:16:33.000 Okay, if you had to choose between being Chris Rock or Brock Lesnar... 0.99

01:16:37.000 Yeah, that's a good call.

01:16:41.000 I'd be Rock Lesnar, bro, and I'd have that cross.

01:16:43.000 Combo.

01:16:44.000 Combo.

01:16:45.000 Cross pattern.

01:16:48.000 I'd be Rock Lesnar, man.

01:16:49.000 Dude, I can't believe you had Steven Tyler in here, man.

01:16:52.000 Yeah, man.

01:16:52.000 It was tripping me out.

01:16:53.000 Dude, I used to write the Aerosmith logo.

01:16:56.000 I would draw that on my notebook when I was in high school.

01:17:03.000 You know, we would draw the Van Halen VH with the wings, right?

01:17:08.000 Yeah.

01:17:08.000 We'd draw Aerosmith.

01:17:09.000 We'd draw the ACDC logo.

01:17:11.000 They were so awesome. 0.99

01:17:12.000 We'd draw that shit on your notebooks, and here I am hanging out with him. 0.99

01:17:16.000 Dude, he's... 0.99

01:17:17.000 Yeah, was he awesome?

01:17:18.000 I haven't watched it yet.

01:17:19.000 He's a great guy.

01:17:20.000 He's so eccentric.

01:17:21.000 I mean, like, not fake eccentric.

01:17:24.000 He's eccentric all the time.

01:17:25.000 He drives an old, old Rolls Royce.

01:17:29.000 Wow.

01:17:29.000 Like a Rolls Royce from 1971. And he drove it, or he had a man or woman driving it?

01:17:33.000 Drove it.

01:17:34.000 Wow.

01:17:35.000 He has a crystal ball.

01:17:37.000 Brings a crystal ball with him.

01:17:38.000 He put it on a velvet pillow.

01:17:40.000 He sat it down there.

01:17:41.000 He brings it with him.

01:17:42.000 But he's not, like, trying.

01:17:44.000 Yeah.

01:17:45.000 That's who he is.

01:17:46.000 Yeah.

01:17:46.000 He's just weird.

01:17:47.000 But in a great way.

01:17:49.000 Like, he's fun, man.

01:17:51.000 Oh, dude.

01:17:52.000 My brother and I used to fist fight to his music when I was young.

01:17:54.000 Fist fight?

01:17:54.000 Oh, dude.

01:17:55.000 We'd fist fight to all music, but mostly we'd listen to him.

01:17:58.000 And I loved Aerosmith, dude.

01:17:59.000 I loved him all the way through the movie they did with Ben Affleck.

01:18:03.000 You remember that?

01:18:04.000 I can stay awake.

01:18:06.000 Yeah, that's why they lost me.

01:18:08.000 Watch me smile.

01:18:09.000 Janie's got a gun. 1.00

01:18:11.000 I like Janie's got a gun, but they lost me with those ballads that they were doing for those love movies. 1.00

01:18:18.000 I needed that shit, though. 1.00

01:18:19.000 Did you? 1.00

01:18:20.000 Yeah, I was that emo Nemo, bro. 0.98

01:18:21.000 I was fucking swimming around in my own tears a little bit when I was a kid. 0.98

01:18:25.000 I always am. 0.98

01:18:27.000 It's hard for me to keep my emotions away from the front of my thoughts and stuff.

01:18:32.000 Really?

01:18:33.000 I think so.

01:18:34.000 What do you think that's about?

01:18:36.000 If you had to guess.

01:18:38.000 I think when I was growing up, I didn't have a lot of emotions.

01:18:41.000 Oh, now you're in touch with your emotions and they just come pouring out?

01:18:44.000 Sometimes they do, man.

01:18:46.000 And it's okay.

01:18:47.000 I'm kind of grateful for it.

01:18:48.000 I'm grateful to have some of them.

01:18:51.000 And to me, probably a lot of people like that are just like...

01:18:56.000 Like, I never knew how I felt, you know?

01:18:58.000 I was always like, God, what's going on?

01:19:00.000 Right.

01:19:01.000 I would ask my friends who I was.

01:19:02.000 Like, who am I? Who are you?

01:19:04.000 Yeah.

01:19:04.000 I would ask them.

01:19:05.000 And they, you know, some of my friends were dumb and they wouldn't fucking say anything. 0.99

01:19:08.000 So I'd just still be wondering, you know? 0.99

01:19:10.000 And I think as I get a little bit older, then I start to get in touch with them more and I'm like, oh man.

01:19:15.000 You know, I have feelings.

01:19:16.000 How much of a big growth push was it for you to, like, get to California?

01:19:20.000 Be around all those different kind of people.

01:19:24.000 Be around a comedy store and...

01:19:26.000 I think intimidating is the biggest thing for me.

01:19:29.000 I don't want to bother people.

01:19:31.000 Yeah, sometimes it still is.

01:19:32.000 Like, I'll talk to, you know, guys that I admire or stuff or look up to as comedians, and sometimes I feel...

01:19:38.000 I feel in...

01:19:40.000 I don't know if I feel inferior, but I just...

01:19:43.000 For some reason, I always feel like, you know, I don't want people to think that I'm trying to take anything from them.

01:19:50.000 Right.

01:19:50.000 I know what you mean.

01:19:51.000 And so it makes me feel like...

01:19:53.000 I feel like that, too.

01:19:54.000 Yeah, it's like I'm afraid to ask sometimes or to talk or even to engage because I just think that people are going to think that I'm not trying to be genuine.

01:20:03.000 Yeah.

01:20:03.000 And if I don't know how I feel and how genuine I am sometimes or if I question that, if I question myself all the time, then that makes that even double scary to try and create friendships and stuff.

01:20:13.000 I feel you.

01:20:14.000 I know exactly what you're saying.

01:20:16.000 But it's getting better, I think.

01:20:18.000 There's been a lot of support.

01:20:20.000 Guys like you getting to hang out with some of the other guys and just realize that, We're all the same.

01:20:25.000 It just takes a while to realize that.

01:20:27.000 I remember the same feeling I had, especially in the 90s.

01:20:32.000 My career could have gone either way.

01:20:35.000 It could have crashed and burned just as easy as it could have survived.

01:20:39.000 It didn't necessarily have to keep going.

01:20:42.000 All those days when I'd run into people that were successful and see them and I'd just feel weird and didn't want to say hi to them.

01:20:50.000 It felt odd.

01:20:52.000 I met Dave Chappelle when he was like I think he was 18 and I was 21 or 22 or something like that.

01:21:00.000 How old is Dave now?

01:21:01.000 46?

01:21:04.000 I think he's like four years younger than me.

01:21:06.000 So whatever that was so maybe he was 18 I was 44 44 so older than that so he must have been 18 and I must have been 24 so when when I met him, you know We were both just starting out.

01:21:23.000 We were both kids, but he got way more famous than me quick. 0.97

01:21:27.000 And I was more famous for doing other shit. 0.86

01:21:30.000 Like, I was famous for Fear Factor and for being on a... 0.98

01:21:34.000 On a sitcom.

01:21:35.000 You know, I wasn't famous for being myself.

01:21:37.000 And so I'd be like weird around him, too.

01:21:39.000 But he was always friendly.

01:21:40.000 I'd be like, okay, I guess he actually likes me.

01:21:43.000 Yeah.

01:21:43.000 But there's that weird thing where it takes a while to be comfortable enough in your own skin.

01:21:47.000 Yeah.

01:21:48.000 Where now I see people, like whoever it is, like I ran into Patton Oswalt last night, gave him a big hug.

01:21:53.000 Like, what's up?

01:21:53.000 What are you doing?

01:21:54.000 I don't feel weird around him at all.

01:21:56.000 Right.

01:21:56.000 I don't feel weird around other famous comedians anymore.

01:21:59.000 Right.

01:21:59.000 But I certainly did.

01:22:01.000 But you always...

01:22:02.000 You question your legitimacy.

01:22:05.000 You question whether or not you should be there.

01:22:07.000 You know, question whether you're good enough or whether they like you or maybe they don't like your kind of comedy or maybe they don't like what you're doing.

01:22:15.000 Yeah.

01:22:17.000 Yeah, there's so many questions.

01:22:19.000 There's so much in...

01:22:20.000 For me, anyway, yeah, there's just been so much in, you know, a feeling of, you know, just growing up feelings of self-worth issues and then all that kind of stuff.

01:22:30.000 But I think it does get better.

01:22:32.000 Yeah.

01:22:33.000 The problem is sometimes when it gets better, you get less funny.

01:22:37.000 Yeah.

01:22:37.000 Sometimes when it gets better, you get comfortable.

01:22:39.000 And when you get comfortable, you stop working hard.

01:22:41.000 Because a lot of what makes you work hard is that insecurity, man. 0.99

01:22:46.000 That fucking thing that made you need all that attention when you were younger in the first place because you weren't getting it growing up. 0.99

01:22:50.000 Right. 1.00

01:22:51.000 I mean, that's all of us. 0.96

01:22:52.000 I mean, I never met any comedian that's worth a shit that had an awesome life growing up. 0.93

01:22:56.000 Yeah. 0.93

01:22:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:59.000 All of our lives were fucked up. 0.99

01:23:01.000 All of them were fucked up or weird. 1.00

01:23:03.000 You went through some crazy shit, for sure. 1.00

01:23:06.000 Walter? 1.00

01:23:06.000 Yeah, that guy. 1.00

01:23:08.000 Langenstein?

01:23:09.000 I dutched that Walter guy.

01:23:10.000 I mean, I ducked him.

01:23:12.000 Nothing happened.

01:23:13.000 But that was a small moment.

01:23:16.000 Because it could have been a big moment, but it wasn't. 1.00

01:23:18.000 It was just a day where I realized, wow, this guy actually wanted to fuck me. 0.99

01:23:22.000 And I thought he was just a cool old dude that liked hanging around with younger kids and being friendly to him. 0.99

01:23:27.000 Because he was a nice guy.

01:23:29.000 He was in the Korean War. 0.99

01:23:30.000 Tell us some shit about the war. 0.98

01:23:32.000 Was he really in it, you think? 0.99

01:23:35.000 It's a good question.

01:23:36.000 I don't know.

01:23:37.000 But I did talk about a guy on the base who backed up into a propeller. 0.99

01:23:42.000 The guy fucked up. 0.99

01:23:44.000 Yeah, there was a propeller for an airplane. 1.00

01:23:46.000 He just miscalculated.

01:23:47.000 That's one of my biggest fears. 0.71

01:23:48.000 Got decapitated. 1.00

01:23:53.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:23:55.000 It's a fucked up way to go, man. 1.00

01:23:55.000 Makes you know you were a fucking smoothie, bro. 1.00

01:23:57.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:23:58.000 I read about that recently.

01:24:00.000 I read about that recently.

01:24:01.000 Somebody did that.

01:24:02.000 That's one of my biggest fears is walking into something that's spinning and I don't know it.

01:24:05.000 Woo! 0.99

01:24:06.000 Helicopters, man.

01:24:07.000 That's a dark way to go.

01:24:09.000 But yeah, I think that inferiority stuff, it's...

01:24:12.000 Yeah, and then Hollywood, it's an intimidating place, you know?

01:24:15.000 And it's tough to trust your voice. 0.96

01:24:17.000 And especially, you know, I come out here from the South, and then you get here, and you realize, like, there's not even anybody with a Southern accent on fucking network television anymore. 0.98

01:24:24.000 It's true. 0.99

01:24:25.000 After Brett Butler, I said, fuck this. 1.00

01:24:27.000 And she was great, I thought. 1.00

01:24:28.000 You know?

01:24:30.000 I mean, she reminded me of my mom.

01:24:31.000 Boy, my mom was pretty jacked, you know, for like a woman. 1.00

01:24:34.000 You know?

01:24:35.000 She's the hardest working man I ever met was my mother, bro. 0.98

01:24:39.000 She's fucking delivering newspapers right now somewhere, dude. 1.00

01:24:42.000 We guarantee you in a van with her husband who has dementia, and he's probably about 90, and he's in the shotgun, dude. 1.00

01:24:50.000 Wow. 1.00

01:24:51.000 And she's got a thing full of fucking magazines or newspapers, and she's dropping those bitches off at a Citgo or a Chevron. 1.00

01:24:57.000 Guarantee you right now. 1.00

01:24:58.000 Wow.

01:24:59.000 She's out there, man.

01:25:01.000 But yeah.

01:25:02.000 Hollywood is definitely...

01:25:03.000 It's intimidating, too, because...

01:25:06.000 Not for us anymore as much, but when you're first starting out, if you're doing any kind of auditioning, you realize why people are so crazy and insecure and insincere out here.

01:25:19.000 Like, Brian Callen has a TV show now?

01:25:22.000 Yeah.

01:25:23.000 Schooled, right?

01:25:24.000 Is that what it is?

01:25:25.000 Is that what it's called?

01:25:26.000 Yeah, he's the coach from the Goldbergs.

01:25:29.000 Now he's got a spin-off.

01:25:30.000 He's super happy.

01:25:31.000 But he had to do this thing recently.

01:25:34.000 Where he was around all these actors, like one of those upruns thing, and he's like, God, they're so exhausting.

01:25:40.000 They're not real.

01:25:41.000 He's like, they're not really talking to you.

01:25:43.000 They're like pretending that they're talking to you.

01:25:46.000 And I go, yeah, I mean, you've got to think of what they do.

01:25:51.000 Think about what you do, right?

01:25:53.000 You go up there, ladies and gentlemen, Theo Vaughn.

01:25:55.000 You go on stage, everybody's clapping. 1.00

01:25:56.000 You can do whatever the fuck you want, man. 0.99

01:25:58.000 There's no director, there's no writer, no one's telling you what to do. 0.99

01:26:03.000 With actors, it's all about getting that person in the room who's the casting agent or the producer to like them.

01:26:12.000 That's all it is.

01:26:13.000 So you have to be super left-wing, super liberal.

01:26:16.000 You have to talk like they talk.

01:26:18.000 You have to say things that's going to ingratiate you with them.

01:26:21.000 You've got to fit in.

01:26:22.000 You've got to fit in.

01:26:23.000 So everybody's scared to do anything that's not inside the political norm, the sociological norm.

01:26:30.000 You know, the boundaries that have been set up.

01:26:33.000 You gotta stay inside those boundaries.

01:26:35.000 And so everybody's doing that.

01:26:37.000 Like, everybody can't be left-wing out here.

01:26:40.000 It can't be everybody's really left-wing.

01:26:42.000 There's gotta be some variation like there is in all of society.

01:26:45.000 But not out here.

01:26:46.000 Nope.

01:26:46.000 Everybody is trying to conform to what they think everybody wants them to be like.

01:26:51.000 Yeah.

01:26:52.000 And so you're always scared.

01:26:53.000 And then you always have to get picked.

01:26:55.000 You always have to get picked for things.

01:26:56.000 So you're always worried, do people like me? 0.99

01:26:59.000 That's why when people make it, like really make it, they become fucking nightmares. 0.96

01:27:03.000 Because they want to punish people for all those years they were insecure. 0.98

01:27:07.000 For all those years where they weren't getting picked. 1.00

01:27:09.000 For all those years, you fucking pieces of shit didn't recognize my talent. 1.00

01:27:13.000 They get in there and then they want to be angry, but they're afraid to let go of that. 1.00

01:27:16.000 They're afraid to not suck off the tit, you know? 0.99

01:27:18.000 You can't piss off the tit. 0.99

01:27:20.000 Or you don't got no milk.

01:27:22.000 Yeah, they get...

01:27:23.000 But it's the worst combination ever.

01:27:25.000 I, you know...

01:27:26.000 But you think it's going to be...

01:27:27.000 It's sustainable?

01:27:29.000 Like, I don't think it's connecting with people as much as it used to.

01:27:32.000 Like, you know, I want to work on shows and I want to be able to create stuff and do things.

01:27:35.000 What do you like?

01:27:36.000 Do you like to act?

01:27:37.000 I would like to create some shows.

01:27:39.000 I'd like to create a show based on the childhood, you know, the neighborhood I grew up in. 0.96

01:27:43.000 And, yeah, I wouldn't mind doing some acting, but maybe like in that Danny McBride type of vibe, you know, where you're just showing your dick verbally to everybody, you know? 0.99

01:27:53.000 And you're just fucking eating orphans in the back of your brain the whole day, bro, and smoking fucking cigarettes and blowing Winston's. 1.00

01:27:58.000 Just having fun. 1.00

01:27:59.000 Yeah, having fun.

01:28:01.000 And with a director, you know, that you trust and you can do that kind of stuff, and it gets you.

01:28:05.000 I think your stand-up is so good that you could do that.

01:28:07.000 I think it's just gonna take a while for people to recognize it, and you could be able to do that. 0.98

01:28:12.000 But I think your stand-up is so good, all that shit is not gonna be as fun. 0.98

01:28:16.000 That's what I think. 0.99

01:28:17.000 Right.

01:28:18.000 Thanks, man.

01:28:20.000 You're one of the funniest guys in the country, I really think.

01:28:22.000 Thanks, man.

01:28:23.000 I appreciate that.

01:28:24.000 It means a lot, bro.

01:28:26.000 And I think that that talent that you have... 0.99

01:28:30.000 That's the funniest shit you're ever gonna see. 1.00

01:28:32.000 It's like someone killing. 1.00

01:28:33.000 Yeah.

01:28:34.000 Oh, by far.

01:28:35.000 Like Joey Diaz.

01:28:36.000 I always say...

01:28:37.000 There's no way I can laugh harder than when Joey Diaz is killing.

01:28:41.000 It doesn't exist.

01:28:42.000 I've seen everything.

01:28:44.000 I've seen almost every funny movie that everybody tells me I have to see.

01:28:47.000 And a lot of them are amazing.

01:28:48.000 Amazing movies.

01:28:49.000 And I know it's a different thing. 0.99

01:28:51.000 But in terms of, like, the overall impact that something has, when a stand-up comic is fucking murdering, just murdering, that's the funniest shit that's available. 0.99

01:29:01.000 And that's what you do already. 0.99

01:29:02.000 You already do that.

01:29:03.000 I mean, I think it's...

01:29:05.000 It's a good thing to have variety in your life.

01:29:08.000 And I think you're a talented guy.

01:29:10.000 You could probably do a lot of different things if you wanted to.

01:29:12.000 Yeah.

01:29:12.000 But don't ever do anything that's going to get in the way of that stand-up.

01:29:15.000 Right.

01:29:16.000 Just don't.

01:29:16.000 Because it's too hard to get to.

01:29:18.000 Like, how long have you been doing stand-up?

01:29:19.000 15 years.

01:29:20.000 And think about it.

01:29:22.000 You weren't as good as you are now four years ago, right?

01:29:27.000 So 10, 11 years in, you're still swinging, trying to connect, and sometimes it doesn't work.

01:29:32.000 Eight years in, not that good.

01:29:35.000 Bad nights, off, feeling weird, doesn't feel good.

01:29:39.000 Then all of a sudden, 15 years in, you're on fire right now.

01:29:42.000 You're cooking with gas.

01:29:44.000 You're smooth, and you're going to get better.

01:29:46.000 You're going to keep getting better.

01:29:47.000 There's no way around it.

01:29:48.000 If you keep improving and keep working at it and keep analyzing your material and writing a lot and taking chances on stage and thinking about what you did and listening to your sets, you're going to get better.

01:29:58.000 And you're already doing something that is so difficult to get really good at.

01:30:04.000 It's so difficult to get really good at stand-up.

01:30:06.000 It takes so long.

01:30:07.000 It takes so much thinking, you know?

01:30:10.000 And you're always...

01:30:12.000 You're always subject to fall apart.

01:30:13.000 Like right now, I'm writing a whole new hour.

01:30:15.000 I got six minutes, bro.

01:30:19.000 I get six new minutes!

01:30:20.000 And I've been opening with that six minutes.

01:30:22.000 I know exactly how long it lasts.

01:30:24.000 It lasts six minutes.

01:30:26.000 I gotta have ten times that before I can go on the road.

01:30:29.000 And it's gonna take months.

01:30:30.000 Months of thinking.

01:30:32.000 And I'm gonna do mushrooms.

01:30:33.000 And I'm gonna get in the isolation tank.

01:30:35.000 And I'm gonna go on hikes with a notebook.

01:30:37.000 And there's no way around it.

01:30:39.000 You gotta do that work.

01:30:40.000 But I'm already at a place where I've done this so many times.

01:30:44.000 And I've done seven specials.

01:30:46.000 I know how to do it.

01:30:47.000 I know it can be done.

01:30:49.000 You just got to do the work.

01:30:50.000 Yeah, but if you had to start from scratch where you never did it before and get to this point again, it would be exhausting.

01:30:56.000 It would take decades.

01:30:57.000 You're there right now.

01:30:58.000 Yeah.

01:30:59.000 You're there. 1.00

01:31:00.000 You're killing. 0.99

01:31:00.000 You're murdering, Theo Vaughn. 0.99

01:31:02.000 You murder. 0.61

01:31:03.000 Yeah, have fun.

01:31:03.000 I saw you the other night at the store.

01:31:04.000 You were murdering. 1.00

01:31:07.000 Murdering. 0.86

01:31:08.000 Thanks, man.

01:31:09.000 I had fun.

01:31:10.000 I appreciate it.

01:31:11.000 That's a hard place to get to, you know?

01:31:13.000 Yeah, I feel pretty.

01:31:14.000 I am feeling a little more comfortable.

01:31:15.000 I'm definitely feeling more comfortable. 0.99

01:31:16.000 But we always feel like we have to do other shit. 0.99

01:31:18.000 And sometimes it's good to do other shit. 1.00

01:31:20.000 Like, you know, I mean, in a way, I'm a hypocrite because this podcast is other shit. 0.99

01:31:24.000 I mean, I do this. 0.98

01:31:25.000 I love doing this.

01:31:26.000 Yeah.

01:31:27.000 Yeah, I mean, that's true.

01:31:28.000 But it's like you seem to at least be able to sustain and have, you know, your way of life without having to conform.

01:31:35.000 You know, because it does take a lot of conformity within Hollywood, it seems like, you know?

01:31:39.000 Yeah.

01:31:39.000 And I think that that's admirable.

01:31:41.000 I mean, you inspire a lot of people, you know?

01:31:43.000 In a lot of strange ways, I think that you probably don't even realize.

01:31:46.000 Strange ways?

01:31:47.000 I mean, I think to some people, you're like maybe a brother or older brother or a younger brother figure.

01:31:52.000 Who knows, dude?

01:31:54.000 And you always stay excited about life. 0.99

01:31:56.000 I'm like, how the fuck is this dude so excited about everything? 0.98

01:32:00.000 Life's amazing. 0.99

01:32:01.000 But it's great, though.

01:32:01.000 I know.

01:32:02.000 That's what's amazing.

01:32:03.000 It's like, dude, there's times now it's weird.

01:32:06.000 I was listening to one of your podcasts and I was...

01:32:10.000 And you were just talking about, you know, when you don't want to do something, you just go do it.

01:32:15.000 And that's what I think now sometimes, but I don't want to go jog or I don't want to go to yoga or don't want to.

01:32:19.000 It's just like, just go do it.

01:32:21.000 You'll feel better at the end.

01:32:22.000 Yeah.

01:32:22.000 And it's like, it just, it's little things that get stuck in your head, man.

01:32:25.000 But I appreciate the nice words, bro.

01:32:28.000 My pleasure, bro.

01:32:29.000 It's about motion.

01:32:30.000 You gotta stay in motion.

01:32:31.000 You know, if you just stay stagnant and sit down, it's not good.

01:32:35.000 Today, I didn't want to run today.

01:32:36.000 I did it, though.

01:32:37.000 Yeah, me too.

01:32:38.000 Just went out and did it. 1.00

01:32:38.000 Like, fuck, this is the worst. 1.00

01:32:39.000 Felt great when it was over. 1.00

01:32:40.000 Yeah.

01:32:41.000 But when you don't want to do it and you force yourself to do it, the feeling you get at the end is like, oh, it's so good.

01:32:46.000 Because I didn't...

01:32:47.000 Like, I will take time off if I don't feel well.

01:32:50.000 Like, if I was like, man, I think I'm coming down with something.

01:32:52.000 I won't work out.

01:32:53.000 I'm not stupid.

01:32:54.000 But that wasn't what was going on today.

01:32:57.000 Today I was just feeling lazy.

01:32:59.000 For whatever reason, I've been traveling a lot.

01:33:02.000 I just don't have the get up and go today.

01:33:06.000 But you can force yourself, man.

01:33:08.000 You just force yourself.

01:33:09.000 It's just the beginning part that's the hard part.

01:33:11.000 It's that little hump, and then you're in the water.

01:33:14.000 But man, I love what you said about Joey Diaz, dude.

01:33:16.000 I found myself watching him the other night, and before I knew it, I was out of my seat like this, bro.

01:33:22.000 Fist bumping.

01:33:22.000 Like I was at the end of Rudy.

01:33:24.000 Like it was the end of fucking... 0.99

01:33:26.000 And I've never done that. 0.99

01:33:27.000 Bro, I've never done that in my life.

01:33:29.000 And I'm like, what is going on?

01:33:32.000 Something's happening to me when I watch him.

01:33:35.000 I think he's the best of all time.

01:33:37.000 Oh, I think it's...

01:33:38.000 I really do.

01:33:39.000 Yeah.

01:33:40.000 I think, I mean, there might be better joke writers.

01:33:43.000 There might be people who have more of a body of work.

01:33:46.000 You know, I've seen everybody though in terms of like who makes me laugh the hardest for me And it's all very subjective.

01:33:53.000 I think Joey Diaz is the funniest guy that's ever lived I think I mean, I love him and I love Bill Burr.

01:34:00.000 I mean, they're both comedians some guys become celebrities as well and those guys to me are both Just hardcore entertainers.

01:34:08.000 Yeah.

01:34:08.000 Yeah, there's not a lot of us, you know, Bill Called me up the other day About someone saying something to him after his act.

01:34:17.000 Asking him if, you know, as a woman, she could give him input on his material.

01:34:22.000 And he's like, no.

01:34:23.000 And he's like...

01:34:24.000 And he called me up about it. 0.99

01:34:27.000 Like, what in the fuck is going on? 0.98

01:34:29.000 Like, people just think they can just call you up. 0.99

01:34:32.000 I mean, walk up to you and give you their opinion on your material.

01:34:37.000 Like, as if you, like, I don't even know you.

01:34:39.000 We're not friends.

01:34:40.000 It's crazy, yeah.

01:34:40.000 You know, but that's who he is.

01:34:42.000 He's like, no.

01:34:43.000 He's like, no.

01:34:44.000 No.

01:34:45.000 Yeah, that's who he is.

01:34:45.000 While some people are like, oh, I'm sorry, is there something that I did that was offensive?

01:34:49.000 Yeah.

01:34:50.000 You know, please don't out me.

01:34:51.000 Yeah.

01:34:51.000 You know, what can I do?

01:34:53.000 Don't write a blog about me.

01:34:55.000 Hey, I want to keep my career.

01:34:57.000 Let's figure this out.

01:34:58.000 Let's figure this out without getting ugly.

01:35:00.000 I believe in this movement.

01:35:01.000 I think it's about time.

01:35:04.000 Our culture needs it.

01:35:05.000 It's about time.

01:35:07.000 I wish they made a Hollywood that's for everybody.

01:35:09.000 We are in the Hollywood that's for us, bro.

01:35:12.000 We're in the comedy store.

01:35:14.000 Yeah, that's true. 1.00

01:35:15.000 We're a select group of weirdos that have figured out a way to make a living talking shit. 0.99

01:35:20.000 That's true, man. 0.99

01:35:21.000 Yeah, my buddy Simon Rex always says to me, if I'm having a tough moment, he's a sweet guy, and he's like, dude, you get to do, look what you get to do.

01:35:29.000 You get to be a white guy in a country that, you know, is still kind of run by white people, and you're comfortable, and you have a roof over your head, and you're doing better than like 90. I thought you wanted to be a black guy, though. 0.75

01:35:42.000 Look, I'd take a black afternoon any day of the week, man. 0.99

01:35:45.000 An afternoon.

01:35:45.000 Only for the afternoon.

01:35:46.000 Would I go full-time?

01:35:48.000 I'd have to test drive at first, bro.

01:35:51.000 But you got...

01:35:51.000 I mean, everybody...

01:35:53.000 Even racist people will yell racist shit in their front yard, then they'll slam the door and go practice the moonwalk in their living room. 1.00

01:35:59.000 Everybody, I think, wants to be a little bit black. 1.00

01:36:03.000 If you could have a pint of black blood right now. 0.99

01:36:05.000 I probably do. 0.99

01:36:05.000 Or African American. 0.99

01:36:07.000 Yeah.

01:36:08.000 Yeah, you seem a little tribal.

01:36:10.000 Tribal?

01:36:11.000 Yeah, bro.

01:36:12.000 Have you ever seen yourself?

01:36:14.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00

01:36:16.000 You're fucking the closest thing we have to like... 1.00

01:36:19.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:36:20.000 I think so.

01:36:21.000 Yes.

01:36:22.000 Blatantly obvious.

01:36:23.000 Dude, you got dead animals in here.

01:36:25.000 This is tribal, bro.

01:36:27.000 Tribal.

01:36:29.000 Bro, you learn to do a drum, bro?

01:36:30.000 You can live on any continent you want, man.

01:36:33.000 In a heartbeat, man.

01:36:37.000 D.O. Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.

01:36:39.000 Yeah, man.

01:36:40.000 I can't believe Steven Tyler was in here.

01:36:42.000 He reminds me of a coat rack, bro.

01:36:44.000 I can stay awake.

01:36:46.000 Sitting right where you are.

01:36:49.000 Sweet emotion.

01:36:57.000 That was, man, when I was in high school and that song would come on, you'd be like, yes! 1.00

01:37:02.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

01:37:03.000 Woo! 1.00

01:37:05.000 Roll down the window, yell out.

01:37:07.000 Oh, I can imagine that.

01:37:10.000 Will you ever wear a toupee, dude?

01:37:12.000 You ever have one?

01:37:12.000 You never had a toupee.

01:37:13.000 I'd like to wear one right now.

01:37:15.000 I'd wear a big red one.

01:37:17.000 No.

01:37:18.000 A big bushy one.

01:37:20.000 What are you playing?

01:37:22.000 What is that?

01:37:24.000 Oh.

01:37:25.000 But you've got two things going on in the background. 0.99

01:37:27.000 You fucked it up. 0.99

01:37:28.000 That's porn probably opened up, it sounds like. 1.00

01:37:32.000 He's a human coat rack, bro. 0.98

01:37:34.000 Yeah, there's voices.

01:37:36.000 It's a music video.

01:37:37.000 But what's all the talking?

01:37:39.000 Girl talking in the music video.

01:37:41.000 How much accoutrements does Steven Tyler have on?

01:37:43.000 Wait a minute.

01:37:43.000 In Sweet Emotions, there's a girl talking?

01:37:45.000 The music video.

01:37:47.000 Oh.

01:37:49.000 Oh, okay.

01:37:50.000 I was so confused.

01:37:51.000 Because it's not just the song.

01:37:52.000 It's the only video I have of it.

01:37:54.000 Remember Lovin' an Elevator?

01:37:55.000 Yeah.

01:37:57.000 This is a great song, though, man.

01:38:00.000 Look at Joe Perry looking all sexy.

01:38:02.000 What year was this?

01:38:04.000 Wow.

01:38:05.000 It says 91, but I don't know if that's right.

01:38:07.000 Is it?

01:38:09.000 Could have been.

01:38:10.000 He reminds me of a coat rack.

01:38:12.000 He always has everything.

01:38:13.000 If you're walking out the door, I feel like Steven Tyler has it all on, you know? 0.98

01:38:17.000 Bandanas and beads and shit. 0.95

01:38:19.000 Oh, scarfs, necklaces, coat, everything, bro. 0.98

01:38:23.000 Everything.

01:38:24.000 Man.

01:38:26.000 Now, I would trade, I would give anything to be Steven Tyler.

01:38:29.000 Does he seem like he's had a really neat life?

01:38:32.000 Oh, yeah, man.

01:38:34.000 Yeah.

01:38:35.000 Yeah.

01:38:35.000 That's cool.

01:38:36.000 He's had a wild life.

01:38:37.000 And the fact that he's 70 and he's still going strong.

01:38:42.000 He's got an artificial knee.

01:38:43.000 No way.

01:38:44.000 Yeah, they replaced his knee.

01:38:46.000 Did he show it to you?

01:38:47.000 Yep.

01:38:48.000 And they're going to replace his other one, apparently, too.

01:38:50.000 And I asked him, I'm like, you're walking around fine.

01:38:52.000 He's like, yeah, but they're going to replace this one, too.

01:38:54.000 I'm like, you've got to look into stem cells and regenerative medicine.

01:38:58.000 You might not have to replace that.

01:39:00.000 So I turned him on to some doctors.

01:39:02.000 Are you doing some of that?

01:39:04.000 You did some.

01:39:04.000 What are you doing?

01:39:05.000 You've done some while.

01:39:05.000 Stem cells.

01:39:06.000 Yeah, I had a full-length tear in my rotator cuff.

01:39:11.000 It's gone. 1.00

01:39:12.000 This shit works. 1.00

01:39:13.000 It works, 100%. 1.00

01:39:15.000 How much is it for a couple?

01:39:16.000 It's not cheap.

01:39:18.000 The thing is, they can do it better overseas, currently, than they can do right here.

01:39:22.000 Yeah.

01:39:23.000 If you go to a doctor right here, We're good to go.

01:39:44.000 They're doing some stuff here in America.

01:39:46.000 They're doing some tests on something called exomes.

01:39:49.000 And exomes are apparently the part of stem cells that regenerate tissue.

01:39:53.000 They're able to isolate those and put those into injuries now.

01:39:57.000 They keep getting better and better at it.

01:39:59.000 We're just a few generations away from that being able to completely regenerate parts of your body.

01:40:04.000 Do you ever feel a little bit like...

01:40:07.000 Bum that you might not be in that generation that makes that... 0.98

01:40:10.000 No.

01:40:11.000 That cut?

01:40:11.000 How can we be bummed out that we're in this life?

01:40:14.000 This life's amazing.

01:40:15.000 Yeah.

01:40:15.000 This is the greatest life in terms of...

01:40:18.000 Look at this the the world that we are in today is without a doubt the the best time to be alive and Obviously, yeah, they thought this way in the 1960s.

01:40:28.000 They're like man. 0.98

01:40:29.000 This is the greatest time to be alive Yeah, no if I had to tell you hey man, you want to go back to the 60s you like what drum brakes and Fucking shitty stereos and get out of here not power steering racism. 0.99

01:40:40.000 No the civil rights movement still getting hosed down. 0.98

01:40:43.000 No, yeah No, I'm not going to live in 1963. Yeah.

01:40:46.000 But back then in 63, they're like, man, we got it made.

01:40:50.000 Refrigeration.

01:40:51.000 Yeah, they were so psyched.

01:40:52.000 Imagine when that came out.

01:40:53.000 Color TV, baby.

01:40:54.000 They were psyched.

01:40:55.000 Look at that TV. 12 inches, bitch. 1.00

01:40:57.000 Color. 1.00

01:40:58.000 Fucking your wife on top of it. 1.00

01:41:00.000 Woo! 1.00

01:41:01.000 Yeah, you could, too.

01:41:02.000 Those things were cabinets.

01:41:03.000 Yeah.

01:41:04.000 Remember?

01:41:04.000 Those things were giant.

01:41:05.000 Those TVs, they would be in those big wooden fucking boxes. 0.99

01:41:09.000 You'd open up the door, like closet. 0.99

01:41:11.000 Okay.

01:41:12.000 To see the TV? And the back was all hot.

01:41:15.000 There was like some fucking thing going. 0.98

01:41:17.000 If you touch something, you get electric. 1.00

01:41:19.000 Yeah, that shit was wild. 0.99

01:41:20.000 There was like tubes back there that would replace the tube. 1.00

01:41:23.000 Yeah, they had like a 600 horsepower. 0.99

01:41:25.000 Those things were fucking going, bro. 0.99

01:41:27.000 They got hot. 0.99

01:41:29.000 One of them ran on gas.

01:41:29.000 I think my buddy had a gas-powered unit.

01:41:32.000 That's one.

01:41:32.000 And that was a modern one.

01:41:34.000 My grandparents had one that was in a cabinet.

01:41:37.000 Yes.

01:41:37.000 And the TV would die, and when the TV died, they put a new TV on top of the cabinet where the old TV sat.

01:41:45.000 Played 60 Minutes.

01:41:46.000 All it played was 60 Minutes, I feel like. 1.00

01:41:48.000 Mmm, look at that motherfucker. 1.00

01:41:50.000 Holy shit introducing revolutionary big-picture color television. 1.00

01:41:54.000 Yeah, that was like some rear-projection shit. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Those always looked terrible, but they were big. 0.99

01:41:58.000 Those are people had cocaine and they were fucking, you know, divorcees had that. 1.00

01:42:04.000 Did you see that cocaine movie, American Made, with Tom Cruise? 0.99

01:42:09.000 Mm-mm.

01:42:09.000 Oh, it's a great movie, man.

01:42:11.000 Oh wait, where he does all the stuff down in Louisiana and he's running the planes?

01:42:13.000 Yeah, in Arkansas.

01:42:14.000 I did see that.

01:42:14.000 What did you say, Jim?

01:42:16.000 25-inch TV. Is that what that is?

01:42:17.000 Yeah.

01:42:18.000 And everyone's talking about how big it is?

01:42:19.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:42:20.000 It looks a lot bigger.

01:42:21.000 It looks bigger than 25 inches.

01:42:23.000 They got a midget to do that. 1.00

01:42:24.000 They got a little tiny guy to do that commercial. 1.00

01:42:26.000 Look at him.

01:42:26.000 He's a tiny fella.

01:42:28.000 And he's in the background.

01:42:30.000 He's on a step stool.

01:42:32.000 He's way in the background.

01:42:34.000 Did they, um... 0.98

01:42:36.000 What was something that you remember that you were like, holy shit, dude? 0.97

01:42:39.000 Answering machines. 0.98

01:42:39.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:42:40.000 I remember answering machines were so crazy.

01:42:43.000 I was like, wait a minute.

01:42:43.000 Someone can leave a message?

01:42:45.000 I don't even have to be home?

01:42:46.000 And then there was a code that you could call in. 0.99

01:42:48.000 You would call in and you would hit like pound one, two, three or some shit and your answering machine would play back your message. 0.97

01:42:55.000 Remember that? 0.99

01:42:56.000 Yeah.

01:42:57.000 So you could call remotely and be like, yo, it's Theo.

01:43:00.000 I got the mushrooms.

01:43:02.000 Meet me at 3 o'clock at the 7-Eleven. 0.99

01:43:05.000 You're like, holy shit, it's on. 0.96

01:43:07.000 Is that an answering machine right there, Jamie? 0.98

01:43:09.000 Yeah, that's what it was like.

01:43:11.000 It had two cassettes, the outgoing cassette and the incoming cassette. 0.98

01:43:15.000 And you'd fuck up and erase a message? 0.98

01:43:17.000 Yeah, and you would play songs on your outgoing. 0.99

01:43:21.000 You know, it'd be like your favorite song we'll be playing.

01:43:24.000 And you'd be like, Joe, what's up?

01:43:25.000 It's Joe.

01:43:26.000 Leave a message. 0.99

01:43:28.000 You know, I'm all cool over here and shit. 0.99

01:43:32.000 Sweet mo. 0.99

01:43:39.000 Oh, that was a mini cassette.

01:43:41.000 That's when you were ballin'.

01:43:43.000 Yeah.

01:43:43.000 Dual tape answering machine.

01:43:45.000 Woo! 0.99

01:43:45.000 Look at those tiny little tapes. 0.99

01:43:47.000 Motherfucker, I'm going digital. 1.00

01:43:49.000 Yeah, just fuck a girl right on top of that thing. 1.00

01:43:51.000 Yeah, break it. 1.00

01:43:52.000 Who cares?

01:43:53.000 I remember when you hear it go off, beep!

01:43:56.000 And you could listen for someone like, hey man, it's Mike, you don't call me back.

01:44:01.000 And you're like, boy, glad I didn't pick that up.

01:44:03.000 You could screen the calls, remember that?

01:44:05.000 You could screen calls.

01:44:06.000 Before that, you just had to take your chances every time you picked up the phone.

01:44:10.000 Every time you picked up the phone, you were taking a chance.

01:44:12.000 It could be mom, it could be anything.

01:44:14.000 It could be anybody.

01:44:16.000 People would call your house late at night, your parents would get pissed. 0.99

01:44:18.000 Who the fuck's calling me at 11 o'clock at night? 0.98

01:44:21.000 Yeah, we'd call the movie theaters and listen to that voice message once the call waiting came out, you know? 0.99

01:44:26.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:27.000 So we'd listen to that long message from the...

01:44:29.000 Welcome to movie phone!

01:44:31.000 7.35 and 9 p.m.

01:44:35.000 Yeah, that's right. 0.99

01:44:35.000 You would call up to find what time shit was playing. 0.99

01:44:38.000 Pink Cadillac will be 8, 10, and 10.30 p.m. 0.99

01:44:43.000 Yeah, you had to listen to that whole thing. 0.98

01:44:45.000 You had to fucking remember it or write it down. 0.99

01:44:47.000 You had to write it down. 1.00

01:44:48.000 That was the only time you could find out what was playing in the fucking movies. 0.99

01:44:51.000 Or you get the newspaper. 0.99

01:44:53.000 Yeah.

01:44:53.000 If you go to the newspaper, find out what was playing.

01:44:55.000 And you trusted it and then you went there.

01:44:58.000 Yeah.

01:44:58.000 Yeah, you went there.

01:45:01.000 Dude, that was just a few years ago.

01:45:02.000 That's what's crazy.

01:45:03.000 That's unfathomable today.

01:45:05.000 If there was no more cell phones and no more internet on your phone, it would be unfathomable.

01:45:10.000 There's no turning back.

01:45:11.000 What is going to happen with us that's also no turning back, that we don't have now?

01:45:16.000 That we just, we're used to not having it, so it's no big deal.

01:45:19.000 Like back in the 60s, nobody thought about cell phones and the internet because they didn't have it.

01:45:23.000 It wasn't something they missed.

01:45:24.000 Right.

01:45:25.000 What's coming?

01:45:27.000 I know, I think, what some of it is.

01:45:30.000 What?

01:45:31.000 I think it's just, like, complete transparency where it's, like, through people's eyes, you have, like, some sort of thing that you know exactly, like, if they're being genuine or what their thoughts are, you know?

01:45:42.000 I think so.

01:45:43.000 Yeah, I think that's definitely coming.

01:45:45.000 The ability to read each other's minds is coming, for sure.

01:45:48.000 Because we need something to trump like people who are just... 1.00

01:45:52.000 Full of shit. 1.00

01:45:53.000 Full of shit. 1.00

01:45:54.000 Yes. 1.00

01:45:54.000 And people who lie and people who don't want good, you know, or people who are too greedy. 1.00

01:45:58.000 We just needed something to do something about that.

01:46:01.000 Yeah, I think there's gonna come a time where you could definitely read people's minds.

01:46:05.000 You know, they're already figuring out a way to implant memories. 0.99

01:46:08.000 Did you read that shit about that? 0.99

01:46:09.000 They've implanted memory. 1.00

01:46:11.000 They successfully implanted a memory in something.

01:46:13.000 What was the thing they implanted it in?

01:46:15.000 Do you remember?

01:46:16.000 A rat, I think.

01:46:17.000 Yeah, some animal.

01:46:18.000 They figured out a way to successfully implant a memory.

01:46:24.000 So, it's going to come a point in time where it's like, someone said this is like, Oh, sorry, sea snail.

01:46:31.000 A snail?

01:46:32.000 Yeah.

01:46:33.000 I'm not buying that.

01:46:36.000 I'ma wait till the rat comes out next year.

01:46:39.000 Yeah, I'm super skeptical.

01:46:40.000 Scientists transplant memories between sea snails via injection.

01:46:45.000 Experiment shows some memories are encoded in molecules that form part of an organism's genetic machinery, researchers say. 0.95

01:46:52.000 Okay, I'm too stupid to know whether or not they're telling the truth, so I'm gonna believe them.

01:46:56.000 I don't believe- what is this in? 0.99

01:46:58.000 This is in The Guardian?

01:46:59.000 Yeah.

01:47:00.000 Yeah.

01:47:01.000 Well, they had that therapy now, that EMDR. Have you ever done that?

01:47:05.000 No.

01:47:05.000 What's that?

01:47:06.000 Where it's like you hold on these paddles and it's therapy and it activates both sides of your brain while you're remembering old things.

01:47:13.000 And then you replace those old fears or scary parts of you with new parts, new ideas and new memories, kind of.

01:47:23.000 Huh.

01:47:24.000 And I've gone to it a couple times, probably about maybe ten times.

01:47:28.000 And...

01:47:30.000 Yeah, you go back into your thoughts, and while it's activating both sides of your brain, you can do stuff to your childhood that you weren't able to do when you were a kid because only one part of your brain was developing.

01:47:38.000 That's what they say.

01:47:39.000 Huh.

01:47:40.000 What did you go back to?

01:47:40.000 What did you do it for?

01:47:42.000 I did it just for, like, you know, not having, like, maybe, like, probably a father figure stuff, not having, like, somebody to stand up for me or feeling like...

01:47:50.000 You know, certain times in my life where I didn't have support, you know, and I felt like I was alone.

01:47:55.000 Like you go back and like you plug somebody in there with you that is supportive.

01:47:59.000 And so while you're talking about it and this thing's open up both sides of your head, it can it can help.

01:48:05.000 And what does it help with going back over that stuff from your childhood?

01:48:09.000 What's good about doing that?

01:48:10.000 It replaces that memory with the new memory.

01:48:13.000 Right, but isn't that memory, even though it's negative, beneficial to you because you understand why it was bad, and then someday when you have kids, you will have learned from their mistakes?

01:48:23.000 That's a good point.

01:48:24.000 You don't want to replace a bad childhood with a good one in your brain because you didn't have a good childhood.

01:48:31.000 It's okay to have a bad childhood.

01:48:34.000 You've gone through that.

01:48:35.000 I would think that for someone who's dealing with something extremely traumatic, like childhood rape or something like that, then maybe it makes sense.

01:48:44.000 A little violence, things along those lines.

01:48:46.000 Something that haunts you all the time.

01:48:48.000 That's messing with you, messing with your life today.

01:48:52.000 Does your childhood mess with your life today?

01:48:55.000 No.

01:48:56.000 So why fuck with it? 1.00

01:48:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:57.000 That's a good point. 1.00

01:48:58.000 I mean, I never even thought about that.

01:48:59.000 I guess, yeah, maybe that's stuff for people that's extremely traumatic.

01:49:03.000 Yeah.

01:49:03.000 Like, I threw, like, a...

01:49:04.000 I threw, you know, I shot an arrow and fucking hit somebody on accident, or... 0.98

01:49:08.000 Did you? 0.99

01:49:08.000 No, I didn't, but if somebody did. 0.99

01:49:10.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:10.000 Yeah, you want to reach that.

01:49:11.000 Or I killed an... 0.93

01:49:11.000 Yeah, I killed an animal with a knife, or something bad, or, you know, somebody killed my parents, or something... 0.93

01:49:15.000 Right. 0.97

01:49:16.000 Then you could go back and...

01:49:17.000 Traumatic.

01:49:18.000 Yes.

01:49:18.000 Yeah.

01:49:19.000 Yeah, I think that's probably a good point.

01:49:20.000 Yeah.

01:49:21.000 Yeah, I guess some of the stuff, it's like...

01:49:24.000 Some people, it's debilitating.

01:49:26.000 You know, their childhood, the trauma is so bad, it haunts them and it keeps them from improving and growing as a person.

01:49:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:33.000 Like really horrible shit. 1.00

01:49:34.000 But for us, I think it's fuel. 0.99

01:49:37.000 I think the goofiness of your and my childhood and the bad, it's led you to become a comedian.

01:49:44.000 Really, I really think that.

01:49:46.000 Yeah, you do need to struggle.

01:49:47.000 Look at, I mean, we've talked about Joey.

01:49:49.000 Joey found his mother dead on the kitchen floor when he was 13 years old on acid.

01:49:54.000 Joey Diaz has been through everything.

01:49:56.000 He's seen it all. 0.88

01:49:57.000 You must think that there's something to that that makes him so fucking funny. 0.94

01:50:02.000 You know? 0.96

01:50:03.000 Yeah.

01:50:03.000 If you replaced all that childhood with, like, the perfect loving parents that were, you know, super engaged and there for them all the time and very supportive and an amazing neighborhood with no violence and no crime and all this diversity and everybody's super progressive,

01:50:18.000 you're not gonna get a Joey Diaz.

01:50:20.000 He'd be working at a cafeteria.

01:50:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:50:23.000 Or a library.

01:50:24.000 And he'd be one of the hottest women there, probably, too, at the cafeteria. 0.98

01:50:27.000 Yeah.

01:50:28.000 You know what's something really special about him, man, that's been a blessing of meeting him, is that he'll call me sometimes and just check in on me.

01:50:33.000 Yeah, he does that all the time.

01:50:34.000 Calls me every day.

01:50:35.000 That's so crazy.

01:50:36.000 Just gonna tell you I love you.

01:50:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:50:38.000 I love you too, man.

01:50:40.000 But it's crazy.

01:50:41.000 Like, the first time he does it, you know, I guess me just like not trusting things, you know, like my own internal things sometimes. 0.99

01:50:46.000 But then after like the tenth time, you're like, damn, man. 0.99

01:50:49.000 He's legit. 0.99

01:50:50.000 Yeah.

01:50:50.000 Like, this guy really cares.

01:50:52.000 It's pretty cool.

01:50:52.000 Well, he doesn't like to text either.

01:50:54.000 He thinks it's impersonal.

01:50:55.000 And I think he's right.

01:50:56.000 You know, he likes to call you.

01:50:57.000 Talk to you on the phone.

01:50:58.000 Yeah.

01:50:59.000 I wonder what the future's gonna be like, man.

01:51:01.000 I feel sad if we get so far away from each other that we don't know, remember what it's like to have...

01:51:08.000 Like, I feel like a smile's gonna be like in a museum one day, you know?

01:51:11.000 Nah.

01:51:12.000 I think we'll still have smiles, but we might get to a point where human interaction is all done digitally.

01:51:18.000 That could happen.

01:51:20.000 But I think, I think it's just, we're just gonna get used to it, just like we're used to this life, and we're not living in caves anymore. 0.88

01:51:27.000 Those people that lived in caves, like, oh, it's fucking, yeah, man, I'll never want to leave this. 0.89

01:51:31.000 This is the way to go. 1.00

01:51:32.000 These fucking idiots with their cars and their airplanes. 1.00

01:51:36.000 Like, when you lived in the cave, there was no going to the Bahamas. 1.00

01:51:39.000 You're not going to the Bahamas, bitch. 1.00

01:51:41.000 You live in a cave. 1.00

01:51:42.000 This is where you live.

01:51:44.000 You can't go on vacation to Italy. 1.00

01:51:46.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:51:47.000 There's no vacationing. 1.00

01:51:48.000 You live in a cave. 1.00

01:51:50.000 If you want to take your fucking family, you want to take your family through the woods, you're going to get eaten by wolves. 1.00

01:51:56.000 You guys aren't going to make it. 1.00

01:51:57.000 Every picnic ended in just violent death.

01:52:01.000 You went from raspberries to just spraying blood all over each other.

01:52:04.000 And I think that as time goes on, we're going to look back, or someone is going, something that's different than us now is going to look back on us. 0.52

01:52:13.000 Like, look at these dopes. 1.00

01:52:16.000 With antibiotics and taking vitamins and shit, these fucking morons. 1.00

01:52:20.000 Yeah, coming on each other. 1.00

01:52:22.000 Shooting loads in each other's face because they saw it in a video.

01:52:25.000 You know, like, what are they doing? 1.00

01:52:26.000 Sitting at home, jacking off like some fucking Adderall'd up monkey. 1.00

01:52:37.000 Taking a break, drinking milk, trying to go back for round three. 1.00

01:52:40.000 You ever jerk off three times in a day? 0.99

01:52:42.000 Oh, I can't. 1.00

01:52:42.000 Dude, that kind of stuff makes me sick to my stomach. 1.00

01:52:44.000 You're never that horny. 0.96

01:52:45.000 I've done it, and I've never been horny.

01:52:46.000 It's almost like I'm trying to see if I can do it.

01:52:48.000 Yeah.

01:52:49.000 It's like, you know, like you're trying to run a marathon.

01:52:49.000 Oh, that's like Gabe Kaplan stuff.

01:52:51.000 Yeah, you're getting...

01:52:52.000 Gabe Kaplan?

01:52:52.000 Was he an Olympic athlete?

01:52:54.000 Oh, I thought you mean the guy from Welcome Back Cotter.

01:52:57.000 I'm thinking of somebody else there.

01:52:59.000 Who am I thinking of?

01:53:01.000 Who are you thinking of?

01:53:03.000 I don't know.

01:53:04.000 Michael Spitz, maybe?

01:53:05.000 Yeah, Spitz is the Olympic guy.

01:53:07.000 He's a swimmer.

01:53:08.000 Yeah, somebody that just kept doing it over and over again.

01:53:13.000 I'm not even that good at...

01:53:14.000 I just...

01:53:16.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:53:17.000 Sex is fucking retarded sometimes, dude. 1.00

01:53:19.000 It's also crazy just banging into somebody until somebody comes. 1.00

01:53:23.000 There's Gabe Kaplan. 1.00

01:53:24.000 Look at him, handsome bastard. 1.00

01:53:25.000 He became a poker player. 1.00

01:53:27.000 Became a professional poker player.

01:53:29.000 Oh, wow.

01:53:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:31.000 Theo Vaughn, I gotta wrap this bitch up. 1.00

01:53:32.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:53:34.000 Look at him.

01:53:34.000 God, he looks terrible.

01:53:35.000 Dude, thanks for having me here.

01:53:36.000 I love your new place.

01:53:37.000 Thanks, brother.

01:53:37.000 Yeah, it's really cool, man.

01:53:38.000 And thanks for just the inspiration and stuff, man.

01:53:41.000 My pleasure, my man.

01:53:42.000 Yeah, appreciate it.

01:53:43.000 Always good seeing you.

01:53:44.000 Always good hanging around with you.

01:53:45.000 You too, man.

01:53:45.000 I'll see you at the store.

01:53:46.000 Yeah, see you at the store.

01:53:47.000 All right, bye, everybody.

01:53:48.000 See you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 18, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1118 - Theo Von

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