The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1140 - Joey Diaz

00:00:04.000 Five, four, three, two, one.

00:00:07.000 The first man to smoke marijuana never really smoked it.

00:00:10.000 He inhaled it.

00:00:11.000 He was a Chinese man.

00:00:12.000 He was a very great man.

00:00:14.000 And whenever he lit the plant, it wasn't to get high.

00:00:18.000 But he would start to get high.

00:00:20.000 And every time he got high, a blue bird would come to him and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods.

00:00:28.000 And he'd listen to those To the bird, and that's exactly what he did, and he became a great emperor in China.

00:00:36.000 And at that point in the story, Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, have you ever been to Disneyland?

00:00:44.000 And the doctor goes, no Pablo, I haven't.

00:00:47.000 He goes, very clean, very organized.

00:00:53.000 Whoa.

00:00:54.000 That's it.

00:00:56.000 But it's the truth.

00:00:57.000 The first guy that ever got hired was a Chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant. 1.00

00:01:02.000 It gave him a soothing, but after days of doing it, it packed up in his body and he started hallucinating.

00:01:10.000 He saw a bluebird.

00:01:11.000 A bluebird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within the region.

00:01:19.000 What a crazy bird.

00:01:20.000 He got high and a bird started talking to him.

00:01:22.000 What are you going to do?

00:01:23.000 You know, I don't know if this is true, but this is one of the things that the pot aficionados always used to say, is that, you know when a priest walks down the aisle and they have that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it?

00:01:37.000 That used to be weed.

00:01:39.000 That's what they used to do.

00:01:40.000 When?

00:01:41.000 In what dimension?

00:01:42.000 I don't know.

00:01:43.000 At one point, I believe it was weed.

00:01:45.000 Then it became that shit that...

00:01:48.000 Batman shot at the Green Hornet.

00:01:49.000 It was like pedophile smoke.

00:01:51.000 You wake up, your shirt's bound backwards and shit, your pants are missing.

00:01:58.000 Well, what is it now?

00:02:00.000 What kind of incense is it now?

00:02:02.000 It's like this blue smoke.

00:02:03.000 I go in there to church every once in a while.

00:02:05.000 You have to go for the full effect one.

00:02:07.000 Like the five in the afternoon on Saturday and the early morning Sunday, they don't break out the incense.

00:02:12.000 They don't start breaking out the fucking malukia fucking... 0.98

00:02:18.000 And the guy comes out and one guy comes out throwing water.

00:02:21.000 Jesus.

00:02:22.000 And then the other guy.

00:02:23.000 It's so weird how somebody made a great point on Twitter the other day.

00:02:28.000 They said, you, me, Mitch Hedberg, I think there's five of us that delivered newspapers.

00:02:35.000 There's five comedians that delivered newspapers.

00:02:39.000 Hedberg did it?

00:02:39.000 Yeah, you delivered them in a car to other places.

00:02:43.000 I was an asshole that took a route, but not the route in my neighborhood, the route in the neighborhood over, so I had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers.

00:02:52.000 I would deliver them right to the doors.

00:02:54.000 Oh, you did too?

00:02:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:56.000 And then you collected?

00:02:57.000 Yeah, I collected from only a handful of people.

00:02:59.000 Most people were on like a monthly subscription plan.

00:03:02.000 They were switching over, but the people that you'd have to collect from, you had like this envelope, like a tan envelope.

00:03:08.000 And you had to like mark off like, you know, when they owed things.

00:03:12.000 I barely remember it because it was only a couple of the clients.

00:03:16.000 And after a while, I kind of got away from doing them.

00:03:18.000 I said, I don't want to do these people that have...

00:03:20.000 Because it's too hard to collect.

00:03:21.000 It's annoying.

00:03:21.000 Like, I don't want to have to go to people's houses.

00:03:23.000 That was my specialty.

00:03:24.000 I didn't like it.

00:03:25.000 I must have been...

00:03:26.000 That was when I first got out of Catholic school, and my mom gave me an option that I had to go up there and work in the afternoons.

00:03:32.000 And I'm like, I got to figure something out.

00:03:34.000 I just don't want to go up there anymore.

00:03:36.000 And my friend said, I'm giving up my newspaper out.

00:03:38.000 But he didn't give up the one in my neighborhood.

00:03:41.000 He gave up the one in the next city over, in the next town over in that city.

00:03:45.000 I could still walk.

00:03:46.000 So I'd have to leave school and run over there because not the dude would steal my papers and sell them as their own on the fucking street corners.

00:03:54.000 So I'd have to get them, put the circulars in, put them in a thing, and then throw them on people's balcony.

00:04:00.000 And then on Fridays and Saturdays, I have to go back with a ring after dinner and collect.

00:04:06.000 How you doing, Mr. Rogan?

00:04:07.000 I'm here to pick up 75 cents, and they give you like $1.50.

00:04:10.000 That was your tip.

00:04:11.000 Right.

00:04:12.000 And you got like 22 cents a week for delivering the paper.

00:04:15.000 Did you collect from everybody?

00:04:16.000 I collected from everybody.

00:04:17.000 I was there sufficiently.

00:04:19.000 What years were these?

00:04:20.000 This has to be 73, 74, 75. Yeah, so I guess when I started doing it is when I started driving, which had been like...

00:04:33.000 83?

00:04:34.000 I probably started 83. I probably started when I was 17. No, that was 85. 85. Probably then.

00:04:41.000 That's when I probably started doing it.

00:04:43.000 Yeah, you're too old to be collecting.

00:04:44.000 I wouldn't pay you either.

00:04:45.000 Well, it wasn't even that.

00:04:47.000 It was just annoying.

00:04:48.000 What you wanted to do was go to the depot, pick up the papers, chuck them into the people's driveways, and that's it.

00:04:54.000 And then there was a few people that wanted it inside the door.

00:04:57.000 So you'd have to get out of your car, open up their screen door, put it in there, and then leave.

00:05:01.000 And the idea was that...

00:05:04.000 Everybody would say, those people will tip you better.

00:05:06.000 They'll tip you better.

00:05:07.000 And so we would only have a few of those.

00:05:11.000 And I think after the first couple of years, they stopped doing those kind of collections.

00:05:16.000 I definitely stopped doing them.

00:05:19.000 But it was an awesome job.

00:05:21.000 When you're like a young comic or, you know, even before I was a comic when I was fighting, it was just I didn't have to do anything where someone was telling me what to do.

00:05:32.000 I could get in my car.

00:05:33.000 I could listen to whatever I wanted to.

00:05:35.000 I listened to Charles Laquadera.

00:05:38.000 He had the morning, the big mattress on, I think it was BCN. I'm pretty sure it was WBCN in Boston.

00:05:47.000 This is an awesome radio show.

00:05:48.000 I'd listen to that, chuck newspapers out windows.

00:05:52.000 I'd do that for like three hours every day.

00:05:54.000 You know?

00:05:56.000 It was the best job ever, because then I would make enough money where I could pay my bills, but I still had all the time in the world to do stand-up.

00:06:07.000 All the time in the world to train, all the time in the world to do anything.

00:06:11.000 But it definitely fucked me up.

00:06:12.000 Because you're not supposed to be getting up that early every day.

00:06:16.000 Like, that can't be good for you.

00:06:18.000 You know?

00:06:19.000 If you listen to people that know things about sleep, like getting up at 4.30 in the morning or 5 in the morning every day and not being responsible.

00:06:28.000 That was the beginning.

00:06:29.000 To me, that was the beginning of the new Joe Rogan era podcast.

00:06:34.000 That was the first podcast I listened to that I agreed with a lot.

00:06:39.000 But I also had a couple mitigating factors because I believe that everybody's body's a lot different.

00:06:44.000 I know I could rock and roll.

00:06:46.000 I could throw down on seven straight.

00:06:48.000 But it's got to be seven straight.

00:06:51.000 No, no, no.

00:06:51.000 Get up to pee two times because once you're 50, you could be up and down.

00:06:56.000 See, once you turn 50-48, everything changes, Papa.

00:07:00.000 So if you see you there at night, I'm drinking compucha with water.

00:07:04.000 That has to come out throughout the night.

00:07:06.000 And you will be up all fucking night, on the hour, every hour. 0.93

00:07:10.000 There's no REM sleep.

00:07:12.000 Yeah.

00:07:12.000 There's no REM sleep.

00:07:13.000 So you have to control, once you get old, you have to control your thyroid.

00:07:18.000 Dog, I've been a specialist on sleep since day one.

00:07:21.000 That was one of the most interesting podcasts you had on.

00:07:24.000 I bought the book and everything.

00:07:25.000 And he made some great points in there.

00:07:27.000 I didn't, I wasn't raised on an app, Joe Rogan.

00:07:31.000 My mom didn't raise me in her nap.

00:07:33.000 Once we came from Cuba, my dad died.

00:07:35.000 There was no nap.

00:07:36.000 I went where she went.

00:07:37.000 Right.

00:07:38.000 So my day consisted of 8 to 3 in the morning.

00:07:42.000 She had a manager's room in the back of the bar with a cot. 1.00

00:07:45.000 And if I got tired at 1, go back there and take a nap.

00:07:48.000 But I got to stay here until 3. Mama got to work. 1.00

00:07:51.000 Wow.

00:07:52.000 So my sleep was always horrific.

00:07:55.000 Right.

00:07:56.000 Then when I was only five or six in school, then I went to normal sleep.

00:08:02.000 I went to Catholic grammar school, normal sleep.

00:08:05.000 Everything was normal.

00:08:07.000 But my mom had a bad thing that she did. 1.00

00:08:10.000 My mom had an issue that a lot of parents don't do when they work nights. 1.00

00:08:15.000 It was, she did it from the heart, because I have a friend who does it.

00:08:19.000 Wake you up at 3 in the morning.

00:08:21.000 Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, get up.

00:08:23.000 I brought you black ink and pasta with scungili from Umberto's, and I brought you a newspaper.

00:08:31.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:08:32.000 Could you imagine if I woke you up every night at 2 when you're 26 years old, Joe, at 3.30 in the morning?

00:08:37.000 And you know I'm doing it from my heart.

00:08:40.000 And seven out of ten times, you're going to get up and eat the sconjili or the marinara sandwich I brought you from Leo's because they worked in the city.

00:08:49.000 So remember, if you bartend in New York City on the way home, what are you going to do?

00:08:52.000 Are you going to stop?

00:08:53.000 No, you stop and get two slices of fucking the best pizza there is in Manhattan.

00:08:58.000 So my mom would wake me up every night at 3.30 in the morning with a Cuban sandwich.

00:09:04.000 That killed me over the years.

00:09:06.000 That would make me get up every night at 3.00.

00:09:10.000 There's still nights that I'll be sleeping.

00:09:12.000 I'll get a good night's sleep, but I'll look at the clock and it's 3am on the fucking dot.

00:09:17.000 Because it's in my...

00:09:20.000 But like last night I slept good, I fucked up.

00:09:23.000 My sleep was bad after I read the book for a while.

00:09:25.000 That's how deep it got into my head.

00:09:28.000 So when I went back to Weight Watchers, I realized I couldn't eat any more fucking edibles because they would make me hungry at night.

00:09:36.000 I would fucking go off the charts with points.

00:09:39.000 So I stopped eating edibles and Joe Rogan, my sleep pattern changed.

00:09:44.000 Bad.

00:09:49.000 How to go to fall asleep by itself.

00:09:51.000 I went through a month of fucking two hours of sleep.

00:09:55.000 Jesus.

00:09:56.000 Doing a bunch of shit and then three more hours in the afternoon.

00:09:59.000 Did you try anything?

00:10:01.000 Did you try like melatonin or anything like that?

00:10:03.000 I did cocaine for 30 years.

00:10:05.000 Melatonin.

00:10:06.000 I could eat 20 turkeys.

00:10:07.000 They could all suck my dick. 1.00

00:10:09.000 Gobba, goba, goobu, goobu.

00:10:11.000 I drink them all together.

00:10:13.000 The tea, the wine.

00:10:15.000 Leave me alone, please.

00:10:16.000 Leave me the fuck alone. 0.97

00:10:17.000 All right.

00:10:18.000 Go fuck yourself.

00:10:19.000 I got something that's Gabba Gabba, the tea, and the tryptopin put together, and they still don't find it.

00:10:26.000 I buy it on Amazon.

00:10:27.000 Not bad.

00:10:28.000 So what I learned to do was rotate it.

00:10:33.000 So now I'm back on the animals.

00:10:35.000 I found an expired bag of Chibichu's.

00:10:38.000 Like from the Dave Chappelle tour when I went out with Dave that year.

00:10:41.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:10:41.000 I found the bag with about 24 of them.

00:10:43.000 Oh, my God.

00:10:44.000 I slice them in half.

00:10:44.000 You take one of those.

00:10:46.000 You wake up at 6 in the morning to pee.

00:10:48.000 Your pee's brown.

00:10:50.000 They're expired.

00:10:51.000 You understand me?

00:10:54.000 What happens if you eat expired edibles?

00:10:56.000 Same thing when you eat an expired Vicodin.

00:10:58.000 Listen to this.

00:10:59.000 Listen to this.

00:11:01.000 This shit ain't fucking around, though.

00:11:02.000 This works the jaw. 0.65

00:11:04.000 You're going to fight Joe Schilling, eat two of these, and call me back on Monday.

00:11:08.000 It works the jaw.

00:11:09.000 Ain't nobody knocking you out after you eat one of these darn things.

00:11:12.000 Those things put you in another dimension.

00:11:14.000 Oh, my God.

00:11:15.000 I've been in a fucking other dimension since last week, and I don't give a fuck.

00:11:18.000 I have not left the house in a week.

00:11:20.000 Do you understand me?

00:11:21.000 I ate two of them on Saturday.

00:11:22.000 I knew you were up in Idaho.

00:11:23.000 How beautiful was Idaho?

00:11:25.000 Beautiful.

00:11:26.000 How were the audiences?

00:11:27.000 They were amazing.

00:11:28.000 Tremendous, tremendous.

00:11:29.000 The nicest people out there.

00:11:31.000 It's like a bunch of really smart people that said, you know what?

00:11:34.000 Fuck California. 0.70

00:11:36.000 Fuck Portland.

00:11:38.000 Fuck New York.

00:11:39.000 Fuck Chicago.

00:11:41.000 They're gonna get mad.

00:11:42.000 We're blowing up Boise.

00:11:43.000 They want to keep it low-key.

00:11:44.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:44.000 No, no.

00:11:44.000 They want to keep it low-key.

00:11:46.000 It's fucking all those areas.

00:11:47.000 You could ski up there.

00:11:49.000 They got everything up there.

00:11:51.000 Nobody knows.

00:11:52.000 Yeah.

00:11:52.000 They got a couple people that hate black people.

00:11:54.000 But they keep them on the side of the state.

00:11:56.000 Mark Furman's up there.

00:11:58.000 Fucking OJ's sister-in-law. 1.00

00:11:59.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:12:00.000 It's all right.

00:12:01.000 It's alright.

00:12:03.000 No, no, no.

00:12:03.000 It's beautiful.

00:12:04.000 And then you were in Tucson.

00:12:05.000 My friend who I kidnapped showed up to your show.

00:12:08.000 He said he had a great time.

00:12:09.000 I go, why don't you say hello to Rogan?

00:12:10.000 You could have done a podcast right there.

00:12:12.000 He said he was embarrassed.

00:12:15.000 Hmm.

00:12:17.000 Damn.

00:12:20.000 But Saturday night, I ate a fucking edible jar, Rogan.

00:12:24.000 I ate two of these expired ones.

00:12:26.000 I ate one, then I said, let me take a chance.

00:12:28.000 It's Saturday night.

00:12:29.000 I ate another one.

00:12:30.000 And I noticed your movie was coming on.

00:12:33.000 And it is fucking...

00:12:35.000 What a phenomenal movie.

00:12:36.000 Midnight Express.

00:12:38.000 When they catch the kid coming back from Turkey with hash on his body.

00:12:43.000 That is one of the most hardest movies you'll ever fucking watch.

00:12:50.000 The first 30 minutes of that, I thought I was going to die.

00:12:54.000 They let him go through, and they played him, and as soon as he hit the fucking plane, they turned him around, ripped his shirt, and they dropped to their hands and knees, and they gave him the seven years, and they started raping him.

00:13:07.000 But I watched up to the part where he became friends with this dude that had a cat.

00:13:13.000 And the dude name was Lecky, Lecky, Lecky was the guy's name.

00:13:18.000 And Lecky killed the cat.

00:13:20.000 And they let this American know.

00:13:22.000 You know that point where even, remember Michael Douglas?

00:13:25.000 What was that movie where he's on the 405 and he just snaps?

00:13:29.000 Fighting back Michael Douglas and shit.

00:13:31.000 Then they try to rob him.

00:13:32.000 The three Mexicans try to rob him from a suitcase. 1.00

00:13:34.000 What was that movie called?

00:13:38.000 Falling Down?

00:13:39.000 Falling Down.

00:13:40.000 Oh, Falling Down.

00:13:41.000 He had, like, his day.

00:13:43.000 Like, that was it.

00:13:44.000 That was his last day to fucking live.

00:13:47.000 Wow.

00:13:48.000 This fucking dude finds out they killed that poor American's cat and he throws a fucking beat on this Lepke dude. 1.00

00:13:56.000 Joe Rogan is one of the most disturbing beatings.

00:13:58.000 There's two disturbing beatings in film history.

00:14:01.000 That's number two.

00:14:02.000 Because he closes it out because the guy was a rat.

00:14:06.000 So after he throws a beating on him, look, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:08.000 Right there, he's spitting out the guy's tongue in the air.

00:14:12.000 And they showed it!

00:14:14.000 I got to give a shout out to Turner Classic Movies.

00:14:17.000 You motherfuckers been throwing heat the last six nights. 1.00

00:14:19.000 They had on something else last night.

00:14:21.000 They had The Gambler on there that night that followed this.

00:14:24.000 This is the 40th anniversary.

00:14:26.000 Joe Rogan, he throws a beating on him, opens his mouth.

00:14:30.000 I'm thinking, the guy's being a nice guy.

00:14:32.000 He's going to give him mouth to mouth and save the guy's life.

00:14:35.000 Fuck no.

00:14:36.000 You see him going...

00:14:39.000 And all of a sudden he just pulls up like this, Joe.

00:14:42.000 They slow it up.

00:14:43.000 Only a fucking real director.

00:14:46.000 They had it on the waterfront last night.

00:14:48.000 Jesus.

00:14:48.000 Yeah, they ain't fucking around.

00:14:50.000 And they curse.

00:14:52.000 I was watching, I go, what is the commercials?

00:14:54.000 And they said, fuck one time.

00:14:56.000 I'm going to as well play this hand out.

00:14:57.000 They're going to show the tongue.

00:14:59.000 Joe Rogan, he takes it out.

00:15:01.000 You could see the rage from the fucking eight years in that Turkish jail getting fucked in the ass, eating that hummus. 0.99

00:15:09.000 Drinking that fucking watered-down tea from Lepke, and he just spits his fucking tongue in the air.

00:15:15.000 Look at his beating.

00:15:16.000 The best beating of all time.

00:15:18.000 There's only one better beating.

00:15:19.000 Our boy, the Mexican, when he beat up the pilot. 0.99

00:15:24.000 This is Lepke. 0.93

00:15:26.000 Jesus.

00:15:28.000 Dude, I forgot about this movie.

00:15:30.000 This is a classic.

00:15:31.000 This is a classic 70s movie.

00:15:35.000 This is crazy, dude.

00:15:37.000 Look at him.

00:15:38.000 This is eight years of getting beat up every day.

00:15:40.000 I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fuck. 1.00

00:15:47.000 Fuck, dude.

00:15:51.000 This is an intense scene.

00:15:52.000 What year is this movie?

00:15:53.000 78. I was a kid.

00:15:55.000 I still remember going to see this in the movies and leaving there like, dog, I ain't ever going to Turkey.

00:16:01.000 Jesus Christ.

00:16:03.000 The scene, for the people that are just listening, he's tearing apart this bathroom to get at this guy.

00:16:10.000 I don't remember who the guy is.

00:16:12.000 He's the guy that sells watered down hash and he rats you out and he's just a creepy fucking dude.

00:16:18.000 And then to finally push him over the tap, he hangs his cat.

00:16:23.000 He wakes up to his cat being hung.

00:16:25.000 And right here, people, this is the fucking strength of the 70s.

00:16:30.000 Balls to the wall.

00:16:31.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:16:33.000 Yeah, no, this is real deal real right here.

00:16:36.000 Look at him.

00:16:37.000 Look at him.

00:16:38.000 Look at him.

00:16:42.000 Oh, shit!

00:16:44.000 Are you fucking nuts?

00:16:45.000 Good morning.

00:16:46.000 It's the 4th of July.

00:16:47.000 You're fucking with an American, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:16:50.000 Even in Turkey, we lose our fucking minds. 0.96

00:16:53.000 That guy must have been half Armenian or something when he bit his tongue out of you. 0.98

00:16:57.000 There you go.

00:16:57.000 Dude.

00:16:58.000 And this guy ended up dying of AIDS in real life.

00:17:01.000 This is a strong, strong...

00:17:03.000 Next time you have two hours...

00:17:05.000 The real life guy in jail or the actor?

00:17:06.000 No, no, this guy, the actor.

00:17:08.000 Who was he?

00:17:08.000 What was his name?

00:17:09.000 I forget what his name is.

00:17:10.000 Brett.

00:17:11.000 Brett Davis.

00:17:12.000 Jesus.

00:17:14.000 Then the second best beating is our man, Anthony Quinn, at the end.

00:17:21.000 When he was 80, he beat the shit out of the good-looking dude for fucking his girlfriend, Mario Stowe, Madeline Stowe, in a movie called Revenge.

00:17:34.000 That is a...

00:17:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:35.000 I remember Revenge.

00:17:36.000 Kevin Costner.

00:17:37.000 Kevin Costner.

00:17:38.000 And then he slices her face and he fucking puts her in a whorehouse. 1.00

00:17:42.000 That's right.

00:17:43.000 To get fucked in the ass every hour of the hour. 0.90

00:17:46.000 Fucking, this is it.

00:17:47.000 It's the 4th of July, dog.

00:17:49.000 Get your shit together.

00:17:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:17:51.000 If Alex Jones is correct, we're going to have a civil war today.

00:17:54.000 So what the fuck?

00:17:55.000 You talk to Alex, you got to calm him down.

00:17:58.000 Alex, you got to calm down.

00:17:59.000 Talking about a civil war.

00:18:01.000 He had me doing an extra chibachute the other night.

00:18:04.000 I was polishing the fucking musket.

00:18:07.000 Alex thinks I'm defending the New World Order because I didn't think that George Soros was a Nazi.

00:18:17.000 It's all so painful.

00:18:19.000 What's up, Joe?

00:18:20.000 Nothing.

00:18:21.000 What's happening, brother?

00:18:22.000 Everything's great, man.

00:18:23.000 Me too.

00:18:23.000 I feel good.

00:18:25.000 Alex Jones.

00:18:26.000 I love you, buddy.

00:18:27.000 For real.

00:18:29.000 But you say some silly shit.

00:18:31.000 That's where this all comes from.

00:18:33.000 Doesn't mean I don't love you.

00:18:34.000 You're a great guy.

00:18:36.000 But there's some shit that's just silly.

00:18:38.000 It's a waste of time.

00:18:42.000 That's one of those things that's just a waste of time.

00:18:46.000 Does that make sense?

00:18:47.000 I'm with you.

00:18:48.000 I think there's real conspiracies.

00:18:51.000 But I think there's some that...

00:18:54.000 You know, people just get caught up in looking for conspiracies and everything.

00:18:58.000 And after a while, it's exhausting.

00:19:01.000 Let's get the bull off the table. 1.00

00:19:03.000 I love the guy.

00:19:04.000 I loved the podcast with Ari last week.

00:19:07.000 Yesterday, Tina turned his son.

00:19:09.000 But look, Alex Jones is going to hear this, so I've got to finish.

00:19:12.000 Okay, I'm so sorry.

00:19:13.000 No, it's okay.

00:19:14.000 I love the guy.

00:19:15.000 I really do.

00:19:16.000 I just don't support a lot of the shit that he said, like the Sandy Hook stuff.

00:19:21.000 I don't know if he's since disavowed that.

00:19:23.000 I don't know if he changed his opinion on it.

00:19:25.000 I don't know what it is, but at a certain point in time, you're like, Jesus, man.

00:19:30.000 Are you sure?

00:19:31.000 You've got to be really sure before you say something crazy like that.

00:19:36.000 Right?

00:19:39.000 I mean, don't you think?

00:19:41.000 Look, I think he's a great guy as a person.

00:19:45.000 I'm not attacking him.

00:19:49.000 When he goes crazy, he gets mad at me.

00:19:53.000 I want to hug him.

00:19:55.000 I love when he told me the story about trucks pulling up in front of your house and they could see through your walls.

00:20:01.000 They probably can do that.

00:20:03.000 They do that in different neighborhoods.

00:20:05.000 They probably can do something like that.

00:20:07.000 But then after five of those...

00:20:10.000 And this is my experience with him.

00:20:12.000 He'll tell you something, that you gotta sit there and go, what the fuck am I doing sitting here?

00:20:16.000 But that's cool.

00:20:17.000 That's Alex, and we accept him for what the fuck he is.

00:20:20.000 I just thought there was a civil war starting today.

00:20:22.000 I read on Twitter it was a civil war.

00:20:24.000 The Democrats are going at it today, so somebody's shooting somebody, so who the fuck knows.

00:20:29.000 Just to calm Alex down.

00:20:31.000 Nobody's telling me what to say.

00:20:32.000 No one's telling me what to do.

00:20:34.000 I'm not involved in the New World Order.

00:20:36.000 Who's the New World Order?

00:20:37.000 Just a comedian.

00:20:37.000 Just enlighten me about the New World Order.

00:20:39.000 I'm not sure.

00:20:40.000 I'm not involved, though.

00:20:41.000 I just want Alex to know.

00:20:42.000 I'm not involved.

00:20:43.000 Who are those people you're eating dinner with the other night?

00:20:45.000 Were you then a New World Order?

00:20:46.000 Who's the dinner people?

00:20:47.000 The people you say you were eating with smart people.

00:20:49.000 Who are those people?

00:20:50.000 These are all podcasters and former professors and all these different people that are doing different things together.

00:20:59.000 You scared me the other day, though.

00:21:00.000 You had Eddie on the ropes, right?

00:21:01.000 He was thinking you went back with the CIA. What?

00:21:04.000 What?

00:21:05.000 Eddie?

00:21:05.000 What are you talking about?

00:21:07.000 You know, the CIA. Who knows?

00:21:10.000 What?

00:21:11.000 Nothing.

00:21:11.000 What the fuck are you saying?

00:21:13.000 Don't worry about nothing.

00:21:14.000 Eat a chibichu. 1.00

00:21:15.000 It's the 4th of July.

00:21:18.000 No fireworks to fucking CBS Radford.

00:21:21.000 I think conspiracies are fun.

00:21:24.000 And that's part of the problem with conspiracies.

00:21:26.000 They're fun.

00:21:27.000 They're fun to chase down.

00:21:28.000 They really are.

00:21:29.000 They're interesting.

00:21:30.000 I'll tell you what's fun to chase down.

00:21:31.000 To read about one and to absorb it by yourself.

00:21:35.000 Once I get into a room with three men and we're on a conspiracy for 48 minutes, that's when I get aggravated.

00:21:43.000 That's what I don't ever want to talk about.

00:21:45.000 That's the shit that kills me.

00:21:47.000 I don't have the time to discuss whether the moon landing or not.

00:21:50.000 We all have an idea of what we think happened.

00:21:53.000 Guess what?

00:21:53.000 I really don't want to talk about it.

00:21:56.000 Not on the fucking Fourth of July.

00:21:58.000 Yeah, no.

00:21:59.000 The problem with them is, and this is a tendency, is that when people get really into conspiracy theories, they're into everything being a conspiracy.

00:22:07.000 It's not like they're into conspiracy theories and also into the history of Cuba.

00:22:12.000 They can give you a detailed history of some really crazy shit that went down.

00:22:16.000 Like, how many people that are really into conspiracy theories could give you a rundown on how Castro took over Cuba, which is like a real thing that happened in, you know, our parents' lifetimes?

00:22:28.000 Right?

00:22:30.000 Think about that.

00:22:32.000 How many people that are into, like, you know, whether or not there's bases on the moon know about You know, all these different things that have happened through human history.

00:22:42.000 The Mongols. 0.89

00:22:44.000 The Roman Empire.

00:22:46.000 The Greek Empire.

00:22:46.000 It was crazy shit that definitely really happened.

00:22:49.000 All the stuff that happened during the Vietnam War.

00:22:52.000 All the stuff that happened during the Nixon administration.

00:22:55.000 All that stuff's real.

00:22:56.000 It's fascinating.

00:22:58.000 Fascinating shit to look into.

00:23:02.000 But then you get to dumb ones, like, oh god, are we really discussing whether or not the Earth is flat?

00:23:07.000 Is this a real conversation?

00:23:09.000 Are people really doing that?

00:23:15.000 Satellites aren't real?

00:23:17.000 Go on social media!

00:23:20.000 You'll find a bunch of people that'll agree with you, too.

00:23:23.000 Gotta be so careful about not listening to scientists.

00:23:27.000 I'm gonna tell you what else I saw on Saturday, on Sunday night.

00:23:29.000 Sunday night on the 50 years of 60 minutes.

00:23:32.000 They were showing how they interviewed different people and how the one guy went to Saddam Hussein and he said to him, ask him to tell him that this guy said he's crazy.

00:23:47.000 And the interpreter looked at him and said, you think, sorry, I ain't asking him that.

00:23:52.000 And there was one particular interview, he was just talking about the interviewer.

00:23:58.000 One of the best interviews he ever did was when he pushed the guy that was standing behind Kennedy in the car.

00:24:07.000 The agent that should have taken the bullet for Kennedy.

00:24:12.000 They interviewed that guy.

00:24:14.000 That's a great, you gotta hunt that one down.

00:24:16.000 That he was one step behind.

00:24:18.000 I mean, he breaks down into tears.

00:24:20.000 He's a real American.

00:24:21.000 Like, this is a guy that's a real American.

00:24:23.000 Took that job, and they're like, it wasn't your fault.

00:24:27.000 And he's like, you don't understand.

00:24:28.000 I was a second behind.

00:24:32.000 If I would have been there just one second early, I would have caught it in my back and the president would have been alive.

00:24:38.000 I mean, it's fucking crazy.

00:24:41.000 Jesus.

00:24:43.000 Can you imagine being dedicated to protect a guy with your own life?

00:24:47.000 And to really drink the serum and to believe it like a fucking soldier.

00:24:55.000 Those are very special human beings that can do that.

00:24:59.000 It's not a lot of human beings that have that kind of resolve.

00:25:03.000 We'll throw their life in front of a bullet to protect someone else's.

00:25:07.000 That's intense.

00:25:09.000 That is intense.

00:25:11.000 And you have to hear where the bullet is coming from, what your response time has to be.

00:25:17.000 This is when you're a real, high-level person.

00:25:23.000 Bodyguard.

00:25:24.000 You are the highest of the highest.

00:25:27.000 Your hearing is impeccable.

00:25:30.000 This means when you're walking down the street with this guy inside, you have to learn by yourself how to shut off nature and noises and listen to footsteps, weapons clicking, holsters opening,

00:25:48.000 Think of how interesting just that alone is.

00:25:51.000 That's why sometimes when you see them, they're holding one ear.

00:25:55.000 Because they're zeroing in on anything particular.

00:25:58.000 A car's tire screeching differently.

00:26:02.000 Think of that fucking job.

00:26:04.000 Because that's what that job is.

00:26:06.000 To react to that.

00:26:08.000 So if Joe Rogan has eight guys, when they train, and I don't even know, I've never trained in Quantico, but I just know that I guarantee the first two guys, the first four guys are lead guys.

00:26:21.000 They have a mission.

00:26:23.000 One guy gets to the door.

00:26:25.000 There's a shooting.

00:26:26.000 Two guys duck for the president.

00:26:29.000 There's got to be plans.

00:26:31.000 It's like formations in football.

00:26:33.000 What if the linebacker goes this way, you run around me?

00:26:37.000 This doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you.

00:26:39.000 There has to be formations to protect the president or whoever it is you're protecting at that level.

00:26:45.000 When I'm protecting Kevin Hart, how many people are going to try to assassinate Kevin Hart?

00:26:51.000 When I'm protecting...

00:26:54.000 A president.

00:26:55.000 How many people are going to really try to shoot that president with weapons?

00:27:01.000 I mean, let's go to the Ronald Reagan attempt.

00:27:03.000 Let's go to these attempts.

00:27:05.000 How fucking fast?

00:27:06.000 This is...

00:27:07.000 You have to be so high elite.

00:27:12.000 Vietnam, another war, and then you had to do a tour of something else where you were just like a spook that you tiptoed and killed people with toothpicks and shit like this. 0.86

00:27:22.000 This is my...

00:27:23.000 This is what I think you're training you with.

00:27:26.000 I don't think you're just born to be Rambo. 1.00

00:27:29.000 I think they have to take you to government...

00:27:32.000 And they start with a hundred Rambos. 0.98

00:27:34.000 They just keep training, training, training.

00:27:37.000 You lose some along the way.

00:27:39.000 And after every hundred, you get eight fucking savages that never had a chance to get married. 1.00

00:27:46.000 The government never gave them a chance to get married.

00:27:50.000 They're that good.

00:27:52.000 Well, all these guys that I know that have been Navy SEALs, all of them, are...

00:27:58.000 Any special forces, guys, those are different humans, you know?

00:28:05.000 They're just different people.

00:28:06.000 Now, what's Jocko?

00:28:08.000 Navy SEAL. Okay, so...

00:28:09.000 Yeah, and there's just a level that you have to be...

00:28:17.000 You have to have more control over your mind, more control over your will, more control over your discipline.

00:28:23.000 You're in the most elite branch of the military.

00:28:27.000 I mean, this is the elite of the elite.

00:28:29.000 I mean, they make it insanely difficult to get in.

00:28:31.000 So you just get the cream of the crops.

00:28:34.000 The people who are...

00:28:37.000 Just their mental fortitude is just unlike an average person.

00:28:43.000 If you meet a bunch of people like that, man...

00:28:46.000 You realize, like, wow, people come in all kinds of different levels.

00:28:50.000 There's people that just only surround themselves with other excellence.

00:28:56.000 And those dudes, like those Jocko-type dudes or Tim Kennedy-type dudes, that's a different kind of human.

00:29:05.000 They don't make a lot of those.

00:29:07.000 If you just want to have only those, boy...

00:29:11.000 There's a lot that has to happen before you can become a person like that.

00:29:16.000 You have to travel through many valleys of the mind and the body to get to be a person like that.

00:29:24.000 A person of insane resolve in a time of war.

00:29:29.000 It's a very, very intense human being.

00:29:32.000 It's not even a time of war.

00:29:33.000 Look at these 12 Filipino kids in the fucking Batcave, stuck down there. 1.00

00:29:37.000 Look who went to get them, the fucking seals.

00:29:40.000 The SEALs.

00:29:41.000 The SEAL team went down there.

00:29:42.000 Is that what happened?

00:29:43.000 Well, there's different various agencies, but there's also a SEAL team there.

00:29:49.000 Makes sense.

00:29:50.000 You know, the SEAL team, that's as elite as elite.

00:29:56.000 I don't even know.

00:29:58.000 That's how you probably become a fucking bodyguard to the president.

00:30:02.000 You'd have to fucking start like as an attache somewhere for a year or two with a suit on just to adjust to human life and life without fucking hearing bombs go off every 20 minutes and shit.

00:30:14.000 Yeah.

00:30:14.000 And then move up in that system until you get to that level of the Secret Service.

00:30:19.000 There's no way they put you through Secret Service training school and you're there in 60 fucking days.

00:30:26.000 Let me tell you something.

00:30:28.000 My daughter goes to science camp.

00:30:31.000 You know, whatever the fuck, until pre-K starts.

00:30:35.000 And one of the kids she goes with, his dad's an FBI agent.

00:30:38.000 So you know what my job is every day?

00:30:40.000 To sneak up on him.

00:30:43.000 Every day I sneak up on him and put a gun to his side.

00:30:45.000 And I go, what's going on?

00:30:47.000 And I pat him in the back.

00:30:48.000 And he giggles and shit.

00:30:49.000 And I tell my wife every day, he's the worst FBI agent I've ever seen in my life.

00:30:53.000 Because I'm 280 and I'm tiptoeing up to him and he don't even hear me in bushes or nothing like that.

00:30:57.000 That's how good I am.

00:30:58.000 Do you know why, dawg?

00:31:00.000 Because they hired him right out of an academy today, Joe Rogan, right out of college.

00:31:05.000 That's why we have so many shootings.

00:31:07.000 That's why we have so many accidents out there with police officers.

00:31:11.000 They don't hire neighborhood kids anymore.

00:31:14.000 They hired college graduates that have never had what we had.

00:31:18.000 See, when you were growing up, if all else failed, you've never been arrested in your life.

00:31:24.000 You really could have been a cop.

00:31:26.000 You're a nice guy, but you really could have been Joe the Cop.

00:31:30.000 You could have been Joe the Cop and Quincy Mass that drives around and shit like that.

00:31:35.000 Sure, anybody could be.

00:31:36.000 Anybody could be a cop.

00:31:38.000 But Joe the Cop would have been different.

00:31:40.000 If Joe the Cop would have came in here and seen me and Jamie argue, Joe the cop wouldn't arrest me and Jamie.

00:31:46.000 Joe the cop would say, I want to meet you motherfuckers tomorrow at 3. And he would give us both boxing gloves.

00:31:52.000 And we would box it out when we were 12 and both go home and get ice cream the next day.

00:31:56.000 Joe the cop wouldn't throw us both in jail.

00:31:59.000 Joe the cop wouldn't throw us against a wall.

00:32:01.000 And if we turned around, he'd shoot one of us in the fucking leg.

00:32:05.000 He was part of the community, Joe the cop.

00:32:07.000 And Joe and the cop knew what it was like living in that community as a child.

00:32:13.000 Right.

00:32:13.000 Do you understand me?

00:32:14.000 Right.

00:32:15.000 So, and I didn't know this.

00:32:16.000 I'd been thinking a lot about this and I ran into somebody and I asked him, the next cop, why are we having the situations we're having in this country?

00:32:24.000 The one last week in fucking East Pittsburgh is just mind-blowing.

00:32:30.000 That motherfucker just, now, there's a lot of different angles for that.

00:32:34.000 They had just finished doing a shootout.

00:32:37.000 But the kid took off.

00:32:38.000 This cop watched him, said, okay.

00:32:41.000 Got down, dropped down military style and blasted him three times.

00:32:45.000 Shoot me in the leg, bitch. 1.00

00:32:48.000 Shoot me in the leg for running away.

00:32:50.000 That's what Joe the cop would do.

00:32:52.000 Yeah, but even shooting someone in the leg running away, it's got to be something that they did that's really fucked up.

00:32:57.000 Well, listen, I believe in shooting someone in the leg.

00:32:59.000 I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your fucking life. 0.94

00:33:02.000 I hear you.

00:33:03.000 I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your life if it's an iffy call.

00:33:07.000 But just so you know, it's not safe to shoot someone in the leg.

00:33:11.000 People die from getting shot in the leg.

00:33:13.000 How about I shot you in the fucking ankle?

00:33:14.000 No, okay, but I'm just saying.

00:33:15.000 How about I shoot you in the wrist?

00:33:17.000 I don't want to give anybody the impression they can just go around shooting people in the leg.

00:33:20.000 How many movies did we grow up at that the guy got shot in the shoulder and he just went?

00:33:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:33:26.000 You live getting shot in the shoulder.

00:33:27.000 You know what my favorite is?

00:33:28.000 They get pistol whipped, and then when they wake up, it's like nothing happened.

00:33:31.000 They just start duking it out with people.

00:33:33.000 They got pistol whipped.

00:33:35.000 Everybody was pistol whipping people.

00:33:36.000 Remember that?

00:33:37.000 They would just club him in the head with the pistol.

00:33:40.000 That was so crazy.

00:33:42.000 That was like a thing.

00:33:44.000 And then these people would wake up, why?

00:33:46.000 What happened?

00:33:47.000 I didn't get pistol whipped with the butt.

00:33:49.000 I got pistol whipped with the gun to the head.

00:33:55.000 Nothing bled, thank God.

00:33:57.000 But it fucking hurt.

00:33:59.000 I don't know what the fuck type of gun.

00:34:01.000 It was like an automatic, like a 9mm type thing.

00:34:04.000 It wasn't like a revolver.

00:34:06.000 I never got hit with the butt or What a weird feature of the human body if that you hit it in the right spots it goes out If we have like a plug We have like a loose like some people's plugs a little looser than others Some people's plugs like Mark Hunt it takes forever to knock it loose Some people could just take it and some people can't it's fucking weird It's a weird characteristic you hit people and they go unconscious It's very strange It's

00:34:36.000 a very strange Feature that we exploit, you know?

00:34:42.000 But in movies, they always make it like it's no big deal.

00:34:45.000 It's a big fucking deal.

00:34:46.000 It's a big deal.

00:34:48.000 You should avoid having it done to you.

00:34:51.000 It's a big deal to get knocked unconscious.

00:34:56.000 You know, it's so weird.

00:34:57.000 When we first started hanging out one afternoon, you took me to see that boxing coach.

00:35:03.000 And at the time, he had four Academy Award guys he was training.

00:35:08.000 Was that Terry Claibon?

00:35:09.000 Terry Claibon.

00:35:11.000 Terry's amazing.

00:35:12.000 He's a great guy.

00:35:14.000 We walked in there, we went upstairs, and I think at the time when we walked up, Nicholas Cage was up there at the time, with his little hairpiece on and shit, looking like Johnny Goomba and stuff, and then Terry came over and gave you a hug, and we went downstairs,

00:35:30.000 and Terry grabbed Steve Simone later on, because Steve worked there at the time.

00:35:35.000 This is 97, 98, as a gym guy.

00:35:37.000 Oh, yeah.

00:35:38.000 And he goes, boy, that guy's in the wrong profession as a comic.

00:35:41.000 He should have been a boxer.

00:35:42.000 He hits like a mule, you know? 0.95

00:35:45.000 I never forgot that, him saying that and all the stuff you talk about, brain damage and whatever.

00:35:52.000 It took a lot for you at that age to realize that this was fucking for real.

00:35:58.000 This was dangerous.

00:35:59.000 There was no money in it.

00:36:00.000 There was no temptation.

00:36:01.000 This head shit is not, this is real.

00:36:04.000 It was real.

00:36:05.000 But there was also, I didn't have any temptation.

00:36:08.000 Now what happened before this?

00:36:10.000 What happened before this?

00:36:11.000 Like, what happened to the guys that I saw playing football in black and white with leather helmets?

00:36:18.000 Well, you know, leather helmets are safer, believe it or not, because you don't feel as confident.

00:36:22.000 When they had those leather helmets, they didn't crash into each other the same way.

00:36:26.000 There's an opinion, I don't know if I agree with it because I don't know much about the sport, but there's an opinion that no pads, no helmets, football would be safer.

00:36:36.000 Because you wouldn't be able to do the same things that they're doing now.

00:36:38.000 You can't just run into people head-to-head.

00:36:41.000 It would just destroy you.

00:36:43.000 And you could only do it a few times, your body would just start breaking.

00:36:46.000 But if you're putting helmets on and pads, it accentuates your ability to run into someone with all your force.

00:36:52.000 That's unnatural.

00:36:53.000 And it creates an unnatural jarring of the body and the brain.

00:36:57.000 That the rugby guys don't get.

00:36:59.000 The rugby guys don't have all those pads.

00:37:01.000 So when they're clashing into each other, they're learning how to roll with things.

00:37:06.000 They're not just colliding into each other.

00:37:08.000 There's a different game when you've got padding.

00:37:11.000 So if you take away the padding, people have to be more careful in how they're engaged.

00:37:17.000 They can't just charge in and smash into each other.

00:37:19.000 They won't last.

00:37:20.000 They'll have to adjust the game.

00:37:21.000 How is CTE in the game of rugby?

00:37:23.000 It's a contact sport.

00:37:25.000 For sure, people are getting banged up.

00:37:27.000 It's a contact sport, and it's a wild contact sport.

00:37:30.000 Are there any interesting to find out?

00:37:34.000 I remember being a kid, dog.

00:37:35.000 I'm from Jersey.

00:37:36.000 We're from fucking Jersey, right?

00:37:38.000 We know football.

00:37:40.000 I didn't even know soccer back then.

00:37:41.000 When I lived in Jersey, there was no soccer.

00:37:43.000 A couple Spanish people played the dark side of Of the court. 1.00

00:37:47.000 They played soccer on Sundays.

00:37:49.000 They wouldn't even let nobody watch them.

00:37:51.000 A couple Spanish guys.

00:37:52.000 But besides that, soccer was not big in my area.

00:37:55.000 But when I moved to Aspen, I would go to Aspen on Saturdays just to walk around, get a beer, get a sandwich, and I'd see rugby.

00:38:05.000 I never saw that.

00:38:06.000 I didn't even know what to fucking watch.

00:38:08.000 Right.

00:38:08.000 And I was in good shape.

00:38:10.000 And after about three times that I went, one of the guys said to me, why don't you show up?

00:38:15.000 On a fucking Saturday and I looked at them like, what are you crazy?

00:38:19.000 Like I don't even know what the fuck you guys are doing.

00:38:21.000 They have a big rug fest in Aspen every year.

00:38:25.000 Pretty much every year.

00:38:27.000 That's where I first saw rugby was in Colorado.

00:38:30.000 I mean, I don't think I've ever seen it live.

00:38:31.000 I've only seen it on TV. Yeah, no, I've seen it live.

00:38:34.000 And it's...

00:38:34.000 You know, I saw three...

00:38:38.000 I saw two things that blew me away live in Colorado.

00:38:41.000 I saw rugby.

00:38:42.000 And I saw when they did like a Tour de France type race.

00:38:46.000 But they did it at Snowmass Village.

00:38:49.000 And I knew exactly what it was.

00:38:51.000 The road up...

00:38:53.000 And how it would have to be a circle.

00:38:55.000 You didn't have to go back down to Route 82. You would just do circles around Snowmass.

00:39:01.000 And I still remember being on a hill, listening to them going up the hill.

00:39:08.000 And it just blew my fucking mind.

00:39:10.000 The way the tire was hitting, the speeds, like how fast they were going uphill.

00:39:17.000 And then 20 years later, you realize they're doing PPOs and fucking hanging out with Sheryl Crow's old husband, shooting all that shit.

00:39:26.000 Can you imagine when they were shooting in the 80s when I saw them?

00:39:29.000 Jesus.

00:39:30.000 Was shit stronger back then?

00:39:32.000 I can only imagine.

00:39:33.000 What's the drug that they shoot that their legs won't stop moving at night so they gotta get on the bicycle?

00:39:38.000 Oh, EPO. It's not that the legs stop moving.

00:39:40.000 Yeah, EPO. Their blood gets thick.

00:39:43.000 Apparently.

00:39:44.000 I'm probably saying it wrong.

00:39:45.000 But they have this feeling like they have to exercise.

00:39:50.000 One of our buddies was a biker.

00:39:53.000 He was a professional tour guy.

00:39:57.000 Not like a super famous, super successful one, but he was a professional bike rider.

00:40:02.000 What would you call one of those?

00:40:03.000 Cyclist.

00:40:04.000 A professional cyclist.

00:40:06.000 And he would tell us about it, how guys, you'd hear them, he knew that they were on EPO, and then you would hear them when they were on a tour bus, they'd get up in the middle of the night and go ride their bike.

00:40:16.000 They felt like they had to exercise.

00:40:18.000 So I guess if you're on a lot of it, I don't know.

00:40:22.000 I've never done it.

00:40:24.000 It seems like it would be awesome though.

00:40:26.000 If you could take some drug that like super juiced up your endurance, that sounds awesome.

00:40:32.000 But apparently it's just not very safe.

00:40:35.000 And they were saying that a lot of executives take it now.

00:40:41.000 There's people that are executives that are just entering endurance races and they're taking EPO and entering into these endurance races that regular people with regular jobs just decided to take it.

00:40:55.000 There was some article about that.

00:40:57.000 See if you can find it.

00:40:59.000 It was like CEOs entering into endurance races and taking EPO. But a few fighters have been caught with it.

00:41:18.000 I had a friend that used to shoot and eat steroids and never do a push-up.

00:41:23.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:24.000 He was whacked.

00:41:25.000 That's crazy.

00:41:26.000 And I go, Doug, when are you going to go to the gym?

00:41:28.000 Next week.

00:41:30.000 That's insane.

00:41:31.000 I'll never forget him seeing him eat like half a bottle of Winnie V. The pink footballs, like the pink ones in the 80s.

00:41:38.000 He would just put them in his hand like Tic Tacs with a beer.

00:41:41.000 Oh my god.

00:41:41.000 I'm going to the gym tomorrow.

00:41:42.000 I did some push-ups today.

00:41:44.000 Just my biceps.

00:41:45.000 That's all I need.

00:41:45.000 A few biceps.

00:41:47.000 I want lats.

00:41:49.000 Italians.

00:41:55.000 Crazy group of humans that came over.

00:41:58.000 I always want you to do the impersonation for me when Italian people in Jersey found out that Marlon Brando is gay.

00:42:10.000 I can't fucking believe it.

00:42:11.000 20 years he was the godfather.

00:42:13.000 And no, no, no.

00:42:14.000 He couldn't blow a regular dude.

00:42:16.000 No, God forbid.

00:42:17.000 He blows a black dude to really stab me right here in the fucking heart. 0.97

00:42:22.000 I couldn't even take him no more.

00:42:23.000 I had to throw the DVD collection away.

00:42:26.000 Fucking, I would love to hear one of those guys, what they said when they found out that week.

00:42:33.000 Didn't they say that he fucked everybody, men and women?

00:42:35.000 Oh yeah, he banged everybody.

00:42:37.000 He fucked everybody.

00:42:37.000 Yeah, and then it came out he was banging the guy with the big dick and cube.

00:42:41.000 That's right.

00:42:42.000 The Superman.

00:42:43.000 He sucked his dick too. 0.51

00:42:43.000 That's right, that's right. 0.51

00:42:45.000 So fucking poor Italian people, if they were Godfather fans, they were lighting those fucking DVDs on fire. 1.00

00:42:52.000 Fuck Marlon Brando.

00:42:54.000 Poor homophobes.

00:42:57.000 I like him more now.

00:42:58.000 I like Marlon Brando more now.

00:43:00.000 I love Marlon Brando.

00:43:01.000 Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

00:43:02.000 Listen, Marlon Brando...

00:43:05.000 To me, Richard Pryor, thinking about Richard Pryor getting so coked up that he let Marlon Brando fuck him was one of the things I was like...

00:43:10.000 That's prejudice of me.

00:43:13.000 I should just assume he enjoyed it.

00:43:15.000 Assume he enjoyed having sex with Marlon Brando.

00:43:18.000 Why should I give a shit?

00:43:19.000 Listen to me.

00:43:19.000 Just remember one thing.

00:43:22.000 Because you're going to die when I tell you this.

00:43:24.000 Uh-oh.

00:43:25.000 Marlon Brando talked to the studio into giving them like a hundred grand to read Superman.

00:43:32.000 Like you know when people call you up, Joe, hi Joe, this is Cynthia from your agents.

00:43:37.000 Right.

00:43:37.000 We're sending you a script over for you to approve to read.

00:43:41.000 Give me a hundred grand.

00:43:42.000 Give me a hundred grand and I'll read what you said.

00:43:45.000 When he went to the island, he went deep.

00:43:47.000 And he believed his ego.

00:43:48.000 You gotta remember, that was an all-time record for a long time, what he got for Superman.

00:43:52.000 He banged him out.

00:43:54.000 He took him to the cleanest type shit.

00:43:57.000 He needed him.

00:43:58.000 He fucked him up in the ass bad.

00:44:00.000 Like, big money.

00:44:01.000 Find out what they paid him in 1970-whatever for Superman.

00:44:05.000 Remember, he fucked him big time.

00:44:07.000 I think it's Mutiny on the Bounty.

00:44:09.000 On one of those movies, they kept saying, oh, we have a beautiful spot for you right here in Marina del Rey.

00:44:17.000 If we do this, we gotta do this on this island, I found.

00:44:20.000 He had gone down there and found love.

00:44:22.000 He's like, there's a bunch of running around.

00:44:23.000 There's a bunch of women running around with leaves on it. 1.00

00:44:26.000 You know what damage I could do?

00:44:29.000 He made the studio shoot down there, and then they went down there.

00:44:32.000 Who wants to go to fucking whatever island they shot that at? 0.97

00:44:34.000 So that's where he lived, right?

00:44:36.000 So he went down there, he got down there, and he's like, Jamie, what's your job?

00:44:39.000 PA, no more, you're the director.

00:44:42.000 Rogan, you're this.

00:44:43.000 And everybody was shooting and they were shooting his feet.

00:44:46.000 They were shooting like him running and like the shore.

00:44:51.000 And meanwhile, he's just banging fucking Hawaiian women eight at a time, just having orgies, banging kids. 0.99

00:44:57.000 All those kids that shot themselves, all those kids he had, remember all those?

00:45:01.000 Oh my God.

00:45:01.000 All those poor kids that fucking, God rest their souls, all those problems he had.

00:45:06.000 He was down there like fucking just matadorin'. 1.00

00:45:10.000 Whoever Paramount, whoever the network was, showed up down there and said, let's see the dailies, and said, what the fuck is this?

00:45:17.000 You're done.

00:45:19.000 They brought somebody else in.

00:45:20.000 Marlon ended up saying, fuck it, I'll buy the island.

00:45:23.000 He bought the island, didn't he?

00:45:25.000 Like, this is just crazy shit I heard over the years.

00:45:28.000 And they just lived on the island.

00:45:29.000 And then if they wanted him, they had to call the island.

00:45:32.000 And he had, like, levels.

00:45:34.000 Oh, you want me to read this script?

00:45:35.000 That's going to cost you $80,000.

00:45:37.000 Oh, you want me to come to the studio?

00:45:39.000 That's $300,000.

00:45:40.000 Like, he had levels of fucking, and they would give it to him.

00:45:44.000 And then they didn't want him for The Godfather.

00:45:46.000 They were like, no, there's no way we want that fucking guy.

00:45:49.000 Wow.

00:45:50.000 And then finally he put the tape in his mouth and all that shit and they approved him.

00:45:55.000 Bro, that movie's like a porn.

00:45:58.000 The one he did, that last tango in Paris.

00:46:01.000 Is it?

00:46:02.000 That's like a light porn.

00:46:04.000 And then the chick came out years later and said, that motherfucker Stone Cold raped me. 1.00

00:46:09.000 Really?

00:46:09.000 Yeah, he was the king of Me Too.

00:46:12.000 He invented Me Too, that motherfucker, dawg. 0.93

00:46:15.000 Wow.

00:46:17.000 Yeah, she came out years later and said something about she didn't know.

00:46:22.000 Marlon Brando went in there and choked her out like McQueen in fucking The Getaway.

00:46:29.000 She thought she was just getting pushed.

00:46:31.000 Yeah, the McQueen, and who was it with?

00:46:34.000 Ally McGraw.

00:46:35.000 Ally McGraw.

00:46:35.000 That was hard to watch, dude.

00:46:37.000 Because you could tell that was real.

00:46:39.000 There's no way that wasn't real.

00:46:42.000 Like, he was really hitting her.

00:46:43.000 Yeah, no, no, no.

00:46:44.000 He was a method actor.

00:46:46.000 He didn't give a fuck.

00:46:47.000 Dude, that is harsh, man.

00:46:48.000 He's crazy.

00:46:49.000 He was crazy.

00:46:50.000 That scene was so real because of it.

00:46:53.000 I mean, it's awful to watch, but...

00:46:58.000 But it's real, right?

00:47:00.000 It's real.

00:47:01.000 It's an awful scene.

00:47:02.000 It's real.

00:47:03.000 Fuck, man.

00:47:05.000 Imagine being her, and all of a sudden the dude just starts smacking you in the head for real.

00:47:09.000 You don't know what to do, and you don't want to bail out of the scene.

00:47:12.000 You're getting fucked up, though.

00:47:14.000 He's fucking you up.

00:47:15.000 And she didn't stop.

00:47:16.000 She just kept saying the lines and working with it.

00:47:20.000 Fuck, dude.

00:47:22.000 Jesus Christ.

00:47:24.000 What do you say to somebody after that?

00:47:26.000 Like, hey man, I'm sorry, but that's what the scene called for.

00:47:30.000 You can't see...

00:47:31.000 I don't know.

00:47:34.000 It sounds fucked up to say...

00:47:38.000 But I think even just that recent a time, people did not understand that if you're smacking people in the head like that, you're giving them fucking brain damage.

00:47:49.000 Like, you smack someone in the head like that, like, you could seriously fuck them up.

00:47:54.000 Like, something could be wrong with them for a long time, even if they don't go unconscious.

00:47:58.000 Did your mother ever smack you in the head?

00:48:00.000 No.

00:48:01.000 No, my mom wasn't a hitter. 1.00

00:48:02.000 Really?

00:48:03.000 No, she wasn't a hitter. 1.00

00:48:04.000 Who smacked you in the head?

00:48:08.000 Very few people.

00:48:11.000 An uncle?

00:48:13.000 No.

00:48:14.000 Very few people.

00:48:16.000 Maybe my grandmother cracked me once, but it was, you know, just like, get your shit together.

00:48:22.000 Not like trying to hurt me, you know?

00:48:24.000 Just a little smack. 1.00

00:48:25.000 I didn't get beat as a kid.

00:48:28.000 But I saw a lot of violence.

00:48:30.000 I saw...

00:48:31.000 Seeing violence when you were a kid...

00:48:34.000 There's something about like seeing someone you're close to who's an adult beating up like a 10 or 11 year old.

00:48:42.000 You ever see that before?

00:48:45.000 When you see something like that.

00:48:47.000 You ever see a grown adult beating the shit out of a 10 or 11 year old when you're a little kid?

00:48:54.000 Yes.

00:48:55.000 That, to me, that was like a defining moment when I was a little kid.

00:49:00.000 As a parent?

00:49:02.000 Or I only saw parents beat their children.

00:49:06.000 Yeah, I saw someone beat somebody else's kid.

00:49:09.000 It was fucked up to watch, man.

00:49:11.000 When I lived on 205 West 88th Street, when I came from Cuba, we lived in Jersey for a while.

00:49:18.000 My dad died.

00:49:19.000 We moved to 89th Street.

00:49:21.000 Then something happened at the building, and we ended up moving to 88th Street, and I had a kid I had a beef with every day.

00:49:27.000 And one day, I finally got my shit together in karate.

00:49:33.000 Like one day my sidekick started working and that fucking right cross started working and I learned how to use my fucking up block and I finally had this kid. 0.93

00:49:43.000 His name was Rudy the Haitian.

00:49:44.000 He was the only Haitian kid in the neighborhood.

00:49:46.000 We lived on 88th Street.

00:49:47.000 And I fucked him up this day and his father came down and held my arms.

00:49:52.000 And he made Rudy punch me.

00:49:54.000 And I'll never forget that my lip was bleeding and he took me upstairs and he knocked on my mother's door.

00:50:01.000 And my mother opened up the door and half a fucking hangover and she goes, what's the problem?

00:50:05.000 She goes, show it, Coco, you know.

00:50:07.000 And he goes, next time your son hits my son, I'm going to hit him and I'm going to come out of here and hit you.

00:50:12.000 Wow.

00:50:13.000 And my mom turned around and got a butcher knife and chased Rudy's father up the stairs. 1.00

00:50:17.000 The cops came and the lady next door said she didn't see a knife.

00:50:23.000 But at that point, we were done in the building.

00:50:27.000 Jesus.

00:50:27.000 That was one of the worst there.

00:50:30.000 When I moved to North Bergen, I saw parents that, you know, like, you ever hear a comedian go, you ever hang out with white kids, you go to their house, how they talk to their parents? 0.60

00:50:44.000 I could never talk to my, you know.

00:50:45.000 Right, right.

00:50:46.000 That's the first thing I noticed.

00:50:48.000 Right.

00:50:48.000 When I went to Jersey, there were certain kids that would take their dish and go, I don't want tuna fish sandwich!

00:50:55.000 If I ever did that in my house, Joe Rogan, are you fucking kidding me?

00:50:59.000 My mom would take the dish, throw it against the wall, and say, now you're not fucking eating. 1.00

00:51:05.000 Go to bed.

00:51:06.000 Like that type of shit.

00:51:07.000 But I also saw a fucking parrot in the hallway one day that was standing the way you are with his arms crossed.

00:51:15.000 Talking to the teacher the way I'm talking to you.

00:51:18.000 And the kid standing right here with glasses on.

00:51:22.000 And I'm walking towards him like, you know, I went to the bathroom.

00:51:26.000 I had like a hall pass.

00:51:28.000 And I'm talking, talking, talking.

00:51:30.000 And in the middle of it, the father just going...

00:51:33.000 Bam! 0.98

00:51:34.000 And hitting him with a backhand. 0.99

00:51:36.000 Kid goes down.

00:51:37.000 Glass is broken.

00:51:39.000 Blood's coming out of the nose.

00:51:40.000 And he's telling him to get the fuck up before I fucking kill you, you dumb motherfucker.

00:51:46.000 You said that to him, you dumb fuck.

00:51:48.000 I have seen that.

00:51:50.000 That kid was the devil, though.

00:51:51.000 I knew that kid.

00:51:52.000 I knew that kid!

00:51:54.000 The kid was the devil probably because his dad beat him.

00:51:56.000 And then there was another kid when I went to Catholic school.

00:51:59.000 Guido, father, Ginzo, the whole fucking thing.

00:52:03.000 Bro, he would come there, the nicest guy in the world.

00:52:09.000 But the son was fucking crazy.

00:52:11.000 And every time he'd get there, the nun would tell him about what he did.

00:52:16.000 And dog, he would punch him the way...

00:52:23.000 Ongayo was throwing punches at fucking Stipe.

00:52:27.000 I swear to my mother's grave.

00:52:29.000 Jesus Christ.

00:52:30.000 As he was crawling into the car, like fucking pounded him.

00:52:34.000 12. Jesus Christ.

00:52:36.000 10, 10, 10, 10!

00:52:37.000 I got thrown out of there 11 attacks.

00:52:39.000 So, now, are you looking at me saying, Joey, did they deserve it or whatever?

00:52:44.000 Everybody, every parent...

00:52:46.000 Had a different, you know, I watched a couple weeks ago, I was stoned to the gills, and I was laughing about how people put people down and shit, and I was laughing about when Julius Irving first, when the ABA shut down.

00:53:01.000 When the ABA first shut down, I don't know Joe, but if there was eight categories, Julius Irving led seven of them.

00:53:08.000 Right.

00:53:09.000 And the ABA shut down, and the Sixers picked up Julius Ervin.

00:53:13.000 They gave him $6 million, which, can you imagine that?

00:53:16.000 What they give that guy, what they give LeBron...

00:53:19.000 Mr. LeBron's getting about 30 or 40, but yeah.

00:53:22.000 Yeah, he got $6 million over two years or something with Julius, and he was the biggest player in the world then.

00:53:28.000 Now this guy's getting 154 for three or something.

00:53:31.000 Jesus.

00:53:32.000 So Dr. J switched his number from 32 to 6, and now the NBA All-Star game came.

00:53:37.000 So all the critics were like...

00:53:40.000 He came up from the ABA. He's going to get his ass kicked on the NBA. All-star game.

00:53:46.000 What?

00:53:47.000 Go look at those statistics.

00:53:48.000 He went off.

00:53:51.000 He went off because of a white dude named Pistol Pete Maravich.

00:53:55.000 He went to LSU and led the country in scoring.

00:53:58.000 A white dude ended up becoming a fucking boozer, but that dude knew how to handle the ball because his father would beat him.

00:54:06.000 His father would make him sleep in the garage in the winter and beat him until he learned how to play basketball because there was no losing in his fucking house.

00:54:14.000 Do you understand me, Joe Rogan?

00:54:15.000 There's no fucking losers in my fucking house!

00:54:19.000 Sleep in the garage!

00:54:21.000 No dinner!

00:54:23.000 Remember, Pistol Pete knew how to fucking dribble jack him.

00:54:27.000 And Pistol Pete would take you deep.

00:54:29.000 Pistol Pete could hate.

00:54:30.000 Anybody could cover.

00:54:31.000 The best black dude in the league could cover Pistol Pete. 0.88

00:54:34.000 But if you watch that NBA All-Star game, Pistol Pete is stomping, chomping people, and giving behind-the-back passes to Julius Erving.

00:54:42.000 He even looks at a dude on one path.

00:54:45.000 He's looking at Bob McAdoo.

00:54:46.000 I'm coming.

00:54:47.000 And all of a sudden, he just puts the ball between his legs, and he gives it to Julius Erving.

00:54:51.000 Why?

00:54:52.000 Because that kid's father stayed on.

00:54:55.000 There's different thoughts of...

00:54:57.000 Some people can handle that.

00:54:59.000 Some people can't, though.

00:55:00.000 Some guys are broken.

00:55:02.000 But I mean, it's like how much pressure is too much pressure to create a superstar like that?

00:55:07.000 Didn't Tiger Woods, didn't his dad put a lot of pressure on him as well?

00:55:11.000 Let's talk about the guy that died last week.

00:55:15.000 But that's a different thing.

00:55:17.000 Joe Jackson!

00:55:18.000 What the fuck is different about that?

00:55:20.000 He created three fucking kids to change the fucking world.

00:55:25.000 Right.

00:55:26.000 He beat him.

00:55:26.000 He fucked him in the ass, supposedly.

00:55:28.000 Whoa, where'd you hear this?

00:55:29.000 I don't know.

00:55:29.000 He did sexual assault on one of them.

00:55:31.000 I think you gotta be really careful with saying things like that.

00:55:33.000 I'm sorry.

00:55:33.000 Listen, it's the Me Too thing.

00:55:35.000 Things come out, what are you gonna do?

00:55:36.000 Everybody's getting the blame for something.

00:55:38.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:55:38.000 But is this something you really heard?

00:55:40.000 I've heard sexual abuse allegations from his father, but listen to it.

00:55:46.000 What did he create?

00:55:48.000 What did they do?

00:55:49.000 What did Joe Jackson do by making them, not letting them fucking...

00:55:54.000 And let me tell you something.

00:55:55.000 The one kid could have gone to a college to play basketball.

00:55:58.000 The kids had talent as it was.

00:56:01.000 Gary, Indiana.

00:56:01.000 You ever go to Gary, Indiana?

00:56:03.000 No.

00:56:03.000 It's like hell, fucking Delaware, and then Gary, Indiana.

00:56:11.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:56:12.000 Gary's like crazy.

00:56:15.000 He made these kids rehearse.

00:56:17.000 He pulled them out of Gary, took them up to fucking Barry Gordy.

00:56:22.000 You know, you think about this shit.

00:56:24.000 Some of them probably hated him for what he did.

00:56:27.000 You look back at those lessons that you got, Joe Rogan.

00:56:31.000 How many people did you look at one day and go, fuck you, motherfucker.

00:56:35.000 But then two years later, you look back and you look at the lesson you learned from the whole experience.

00:56:41.000 And you actually have to go back and hug that person and go, hey, man.

00:56:45.000 Thank you for that time.

00:56:47.000 It made me a better motherfucker today because of what you did.

00:56:50.000 It made me a better person.

00:56:53.000 We're not going to agree with everything that happens along the way.

00:56:56.000 But it's made us who the fuck we are today.

00:57:00.000 That's an interesting thing because we grew up in a time where kids were just allowed to run around outside.

00:57:07.000 Everybody ran around outside.

00:57:09.000 That was just normal.

00:57:10.000 Right?

00:57:11.000 When you were a little kid, you ran around outside.

00:57:14.000 Right?

00:57:14.000 Nobody just runs around outside.

00:57:16.000 I remember the first time I saw a grown lady. 0.99

00:57:19.000 She hit my cousin.

00:57:21.000 We were both around the same age.

00:57:24.000 I was probably six and she was five.

00:57:28.000 And this lady slipped on ice in front of her apartment building. 1.00

00:57:32.000 And she got up and my cousin just unfortunately happened to be standing right in front of her when she fell.

00:57:38.000 And she got up and she said, don't you laugh at me.

00:57:41.000 And she smacked her in the face. 1.00

00:57:42.000 She wasn't laughing at her either.

00:57:44.000 She smashed her in the face, man. 1.00

00:57:47.000 She smacked her hard. 1.00

00:57:49.000 And I was like, oh my god.

00:57:51.000 I mean, we were both little kids and watching some grown adult smash our cousin in the face.

00:57:59.000 We were like...

00:58:00.000 You just gotta realize, like, hey, you can't...

00:58:04.000 You know, you gotta be polite.

00:58:07.000 There's some fucking people that will smack you in the face and she didn't even do anything wrong. 1.00

00:58:12.000 There's some evil fuckers out there that'll hit little kids. 1.00

00:58:16.000 That's some dark shit, man.

00:58:19.000 Smacking little kids in the face?

00:58:21.000 That is dark.

00:58:22.000 I swear to God, I ran into probably...

00:58:24.000 When I first moved from Cuba to 88th Street, there was a dude on the block that would smack little kids. 0.96

00:58:30.000 And I'm telling you right now, to my little daughter, there was words on the street that he would take you to his house and fuck you in the ass.

00:58:37.000 Oh my goodness, that's outrageous.

00:58:39.000 That is outrageous.

00:58:41.000 This is the early 70s.

00:58:46.000 This was the early 70s, which I turned into a joke later on.

00:58:50.000 Because it would be like, bro, have you seen Joe Rogan lately?

00:58:54.000 Nah, I haven't seen him in a week.

00:58:56.000 Sticky Charlie got him.

00:58:58.000 Sticky Charlie?

00:58:59.000 What was his name?

00:59:00.000 Mr. Martini.

00:59:01.000 Mr. Martini?

00:59:02.000 Mr. Martini got him.

00:59:04.000 Like, when you first moved to 88th Street, that's the first thing the kids would tell you.

00:59:09.000 Like, I was five.

00:59:09.000 Keep away from this guy?

00:59:10.000 Don't fuck with Mr. Martini.

00:59:12.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:59:13.000 He's a monster in your neighborhood.

00:59:14.000 Mr. Martini wore a black suit with a white shirt and black shoes.

00:59:18.000 His wife would die.

00:59:19.000 And he owned a building on 88th Street in the middle.

00:59:23.000 And he was angry.

00:59:24.000 And he would sweep.

00:59:25.000 And you know like when you were a kid and you stopped in front of somebody's house?

00:59:29.000 He would always come out and go, get the fuck out of here, you little fucking douchebags.

00:59:33.000 And I was Cuban.

00:59:35.000 I didn't understand the language.

00:59:37.000 I didn't really understand what he was saying.

00:59:39.000 I understood the anger, but I didn't understand the language.

00:59:42.000 And he would come out with a broom, get the fuck out of here.

00:59:44.000 And one day I realized, I'm like, this motherfucker wants to rock.

00:59:48.000 So while my other friends didn't want to fuck with him, I'm like, we're going to fuck with this motherfucker.

00:59:53.000 So all Cubans have Elegua in front of their house, and it's something that your mother throws change in every day?

00:59:58.000 Yeah.

00:59:58.000 It's like a good luck statue, and I would steal the change and bring it downstairs, and I would look at the poorer kids, and I'd go, come here for a second.

01:00:05.000 You want a quarter?

01:00:06.000 And they would go, yeah, we'll get a quarter.

01:00:08.000 And I would take a quarter and throw it where Mr. Martini lived.

01:00:11.000 He lived like in a basement area.

01:00:13.000 He'd be right there, and he'd chase us.

01:00:18.000 We go, Mr. Martini, suck my weenie. 1.00

01:00:21.000 And he fucking chases us.

01:00:22.000 And Doug, he chases us.

01:00:25.000 And if he caught you, he would fucking hit you like 50 times.

01:00:29.000 But we fucked him up.

01:00:31.000 We would fuck him up.

01:00:33.000 Dog, I saw some shit.

01:00:35.000 The first day, like New Jersey to me was a completely, that was like Mars to most people.

01:00:42.000 Like most people listen to me and go, you grew up someplace that doesn't exist.

01:00:46.000 I'll bring eight people to fill these chairs to tell you about the parents and the people and the situations.

01:00:52.000 But the first day I went out in my hometown of North Bergen, I saw me and Joe Rogan fight.

01:00:59.000 And even though I had Joe Rogan on his back, I saw Joe Rogan's father come down the stairs, pull me off Joe Rogan, smack me, punch me, kick me, throw me on the floor and make his kids go in.

01:01:12.000 That was my first experience ever in North Bergen, New Jersey.

01:01:15.000 I saw Mr. Robson come downstairs.

01:01:18.000 He took Anthony off, his son, threw him off, smacked him in the fucking face, Joe Rogan, at two and a half to fucking noon in 90 degree heat, punched him in the stomach and told him to go home, you little giddy fuck.

01:01:33.000 Go home, you little guinea fuck. 1.00

01:01:36.000 Say that now.

01:01:37.000 They'll throw you in jail for two years.

01:01:38.000 He told him, go home, you little guinea fuck.

01:01:40.000 And Anthony looked at him crying a little bit.

01:01:42.000 He picked up his shirt.

01:01:43.000 He went like this.

01:01:45.000 Like he took the thing off.

01:01:46.000 And he goes, I'm calling my fucking father.

01:01:48.000 You're fucking dead, motherfucker. 0.88

01:01:50.000 Call your fucking guinea fucking greaseball father. 1.00

01:01:53.000 God, I dare you.

01:01:54.000 He's probably a greaseball just like you.

01:01:56.000 And I'm sitting there going, I want to see how this plays out.

01:02:01.000 And next thing you know, two cop cars pull up.

01:02:04.000 And it's one cop car that's unmarked, and it's another one that's marked.

01:02:09.000 And it's a big fucking Italian-looking detective.

01:02:11.000 Like, you know, the short, stumpy Italian? 1.00

01:02:14.000 And he comes out of his car, he puts his fucking jacket on, it barely fits.

01:02:18.000 But till this day, I remember the mortadels he had on his hand.

01:02:22.000 And he goes, what the fuck's going on here, kids?

01:02:24.000 And the little Italian kid comes on and he goes, Mr. Robson came down here and he fucking smacked me in the face.

01:02:30.000 These are my witnesses.

01:02:31.000 Tell him.

01:02:32.000 Then he fucking hit me.

01:02:33.000 And I'm sitting there going, oh, this is going to get fucking good.

01:02:37.000 And the next thing you know, the fucking cop, the detective tells the cop, go look around, see if there's tickets.

01:02:45.000 Go spread tickets.

01:02:47.000 And he goes, where does the Sky live?

01:02:49.000 And he goes, yeah.

01:02:49.000 And he goes, he grabbed all the other kids.

01:02:51.000 And he goes, tell me what happened.

01:02:53.000 And he goes, Anthony and him were fighting.

01:02:55.000 And he came down here and he fucking pulled him.

01:02:57.000 And at this time, they know that the cops are there.

01:03:00.000 And Mr. Robson, like, kind of opened his door to be kind of tough.

01:03:05.000 Like, he's not coming up.

01:03:06.000 He's going to know I'm going to fucking knock him out, too.

01:03:09.000 And the cop goes, okay, okay, okay.

01:03:11.000 And he grabbed the kid and he goes, you're okay, right?

01:03:13.000 And he goes, you just hit me in the face.

01:03:15.000 And he fucking walked up the stairs, bro.

01:03:17.000 Took him five minutes.

01:03:18.000 Got to the top thing.

01:03:21.000 Guy opened the fucking door.

01:03:23.000 Joe Rogan, this guy, put his hand in.

01:03:26.000 Pulled him out.

01:03:29.000 Fucking put him against the fucking thing on the second floor with everybody out.

01:03:33.000 And just started punching him.

01:03:36.000 Punching him.

01:03:38.000 Punching him like fucking John Jones.

01:03:42.000 When he's got you down, he's hitting you with those shots to the head.

01:03:45.000 Until the guy keeled over and he started kicking him with the fucking thing. 0.96

01:03:49.000 Bam! 0.98

01:03:50.000 Bam! 0.98

01:03:51.000 Bam! 0.98

01:03:51.000 And at the end he goes, don't you ever fucking hit my son again. 0.98

01:03:54.000 Let's get out of here.

01:03:56.000 And that was how I became friends with the family.

01:04:00.000 Because as soon as he came down, he goes, who's this kid?

01:04:02.000 He goes, he's the spit kid. 0.98

01:04:03.000 He's the only one that jumped in.

01:04:05.000 He goes, you want to come over for dinner?

01:04:07.000 And that was the beginning of my life.

01:04:09.000 When I got in that police car.

01:04:12.000 Wow.

01:04:13.000 That's crazy.

01:04:14.000 I did whatever the fuck I want.

01:04:16.000 Look at this.

01:04:16.000 Till today.

01:04:17.000 This is fucking crazy.

01:04:19.000 And you know me and you don't fuck around.

01:04:21.000 What do you got over there?

01:04:22.000 This is still.

01:04:23.000 That's what happened in 1973. And what's that today?

01:04:28.000 That's a gold card.

01:04:30.000 What does this card do?

01:04:31.000 It does what it needed to do.

01:04:33.000 It does whatever I needed to do.

01:04:34.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:04:35.000 You're a family member.

01:04:38.000 Why?

01:04:38.000 Because of that fucking day?

01:04:40.000 Because I'm the only guy that jumped in?

01:04:44.000 I like how cops have things like that.

01:04:45.000 A family member.

01:04:47.000 A little secret card you could get from one of your buddies who's a cop.

01:04:51.000 Show this.

01:04:51.000 You gotta get pulled over.

01:04:52.000 Put this on your license plate.

01:04:53.000 They got these little sneaky little things.

01:04:55.000 So now we're tight.

01:04:56.000 I'm eating at the house.

01:04:58.000 I'm eating fucking pasta with fresh mozzarella in the middle.

01:05:01.000 I could open up the front door whenever I want.

01:05:04.000 I call the mama.

01:05:05.000 She makes cream puffs.

01:05:06.000 Oh, wow.

01:05:07.000 So I'm tight with them.

01:05:08.000 I'm the only Cuban in 1974 that's even walking in there.

01:05:13.000 So now we're in the sixth grade.

01:05:16.000 And we're playing kickball.

01:05:17.000 McKinley had no fuck.

01:05:19.000 Remember two months ago, Ellen DeGeneres donated $50,000 to a grammar school? 0.63

01:05:23.000 It was my grammar school in North Bergen, New Jersey.

01:05:26.000 About two months ago, Ellen DeGeneres donated $50,000.

01:05:30.000 Now, when I went to that grammar school, those motherfuckers didn't have a gym, Joe Rogan.

01:05:35.000 You shovel snow, they got a B. Shoveled snow.

01:05:39.000 You shoveled snow.

01:05:40.000 When it snowed out, you shoveled snow.

01:05:42.000 That was part of your physical education?

01:05:44.000 Yeah, and you did push-ups and sit-ups and fucking... 0.78

01:05:47.000 That's like Russian shit. 1.00

01:05:48.000 Bro, and they had a fucking bar in the kitchen where you did pull-ups. 1.00

01:05:52.000 No, no, they were brutal.

01:05:54.000 Finally, they built the gym in the eighth grade.

01:05:56.000 Yeah.

01:05:56.000 But before that, we played kickball outside in the fall.

01:06:01.000 And one day we were playing kickball.

01:06:02.000 I'll never forget this.

01:06:03.000 The guy's name was Mr. Tortora.

01:06:06.000 That was the teacher's name.

01:06:07.000 Was he a good guy?

01:06:08.000 Yeah, he was a good little gym teacher.

01:06:10.000 And we're out there, and we're playing kickball.

01:06:12.000 And again, that little Italian kid, the one that invited me to his house, and his father beat up the fucking dude.

01:06:18.000 We're playing kickball, and he's throwing the ball.

01:06:21.000 And every time I swing and I miss, he's calling me coco caramoco.

01:06:25.000 That means I'm a boogie face in Spanish, because it rhymes with coco, right?

01:06:30.000 And the teacher keeps going, Anthony, I told you a thousand times, none of that spick shit's allowed here, man. 1.00

01:06:38.000 This is the sixth grade, North Bergen, New Jersey.

01:06:42.000 This is a school teacher.

01:06:45.000 Mr. Totoro's like, hey, none of that spickaroo shit over here, right? 0.99

01:06:50.000 This is America, right?

01:06:51.000 Really?

01:06:52.000 Oh, bro, at that time, that was a big issue because a couple weeks before that, a guy named Totoro was a baseball coach and he threw a kid off for speaking Spanish on the bus.

01:07:04.000 He told him.

01:07:05.000 He goes, no Spanish on the bus.

01:07:06.000 And the kid goes, fuck you.

01:07:07.000 And he spoke Spanish.

01:07:08.000 And he threw him off like 20 miles from the house.

01:07:11.000 Became a big problem in my hometown.

01:07:13.000 They were going to kill the fucking dude.

01:07:15.000 But I remember going home, my mom going, he's talking the truth.

01:07:20.000 In the house, you speak Spanish.

01:07:22.000 This is America.

01:07:23.000 Outside, you speak American.

01:07:25.000 So my mom cut me off right there.

01:07:27.000 Like, I went home, like, ready to fucking be like a protester.

01:07:30.000 And she was like, that don't happen here.

01:07:32.000 We're Americans.

01:07:33.000 You want to talk Spanish, talk it in the house.

01:07:36.000 I think there's a real benefit to being able to speak more than one language.

01:07:40.000 Definitely is.

01:07:41.000 Yeah.

01:07:41.000 It's a complete different mindset.

01:07:43.000 I'm happy I do it.

01:07:45.000 I speak to my daughter in Spanish.

01:07:47.000 If I tell my, ask her mercy something, I re-ask her in Spanish. 1.00

01:07:53.000 If I tell her something, I retell her in Spanish.

01:07:57.000 Yeah, they say that things like that, learning new languages in particular, opens up parts of your brain.

01:08:04.000 That if you're just a dummy like me that only speaks English, you can access different ways of looking at things.

01:08:13.000 Well, it's very analytical.

01:08:15.000 Let's say you wanted to be a lawyer.

01:08:16.000 One of your pre-whatever would be a language. 0.61

01:08:20.000 Right.

01:08:21.000 You'd also have a heavy math.

01:08:25.000 To be a lawyer, you have to have a very heavy math pre-riculum.

01:08:30.000 Yeah, a lot of history.

01:08:31.000 You'd probably end up being a history major.

01:08:33.000 But there'd be a lot of math, a lot of econ, a lot of analytics, because it forces your mind to solve equations.

01:08:42.000 So if you look at the prerequisites, whatever the fuck it is, what's the prerequisites to be an attorney, there's a lot of math involved.

01:08:52.000 Interesting.

01:08:52.000 There's got to be language involved.

01:08:54.000 There's got to be politics involved, like American political systems, American history systems, all that shit.

01:09:00.000 But it's got to be heavy math.

01:09:03.000 Once you get to law school, it's heavy reading and But before that, it's a lot of problem solving.

01:09:10.000 That's how you become a problem solver, by fucking whatever.

01:09:16.000 Yeah, I agree with you.

01:09:17.000 Whatever you just said.

01:09:19.000 Well, before I got locked up, I was planning on being an attorney, so I was a history major.

01:09:24.000 Yeah, that was the fucking plan.

01:09:28.000 Thank God for history podcasts.

01:09:30.000 I love them.

01:09:31.000 They're the best.

01:09:32.000 I was thinking of going back to school.

01:09:34.000 No, no, [...

01:09:36.000 There's no reason.

01:09:36.000 Just listen and refresh and then go on and read about it.

01:09:40.000 Well, there's books on tape, too, that you can listen to that are great, but Hardcore History.

01:09:44.000 Hardcore's great.

01:09:45.000 You ever listen to my boy Daniele Bolelli?

01:09:48.000 I'm a hardcore guy.

01:09:48.000 Daniele Bolelli, History on Fire.

01:09:51.000 His shit is fantastic.

01:09:53.000 He was telling me about this road to Rome.

01:09:56.000 I've never forgot this image.

01:09:58.000 Where there was, I think, something like 150 miles of bodies that were put on stakes.

01:10:07.000 He sent it to me.

01:10:09.000 He just sent it to me a couple of days ago.

01:10:11.000 150 miles of human bodies that they stuck on these big poles. 0.99

01:10:21.000 And shoved him into the ground.

01:10:23.000 For a mile, like every 30 yards, they put a new person's body.

01:10:27.000 Here it is.

01:10:28.000 125 miles with one body crucified every 30 yards or so for a total of about 6,000 people crucified on the road between Capua and Rome.

01:10:40.000 What the fuck?

01:10:42.000 What was the purpose?

01:10:45.000 I would have to go back and listen to it again.

01:10:46.000 I forgot.

01:10:47.000 See, that's the shit I don't want to hear.

01:10:49.000 That shit's intense.

01:10:50.000 I want to start from zero.

01:10:54.000 I'm going to start with the Mongolians and Genghis Khan. 0.93

01:10:57.000 Listen, Wrath of the Khan, Dan Carlin, greatest podcast series in the world ever.

01:11:03.000 And then I want to move on to American history.

01:11:06.000 Oh, he's got a ton of them.

01:11:07.000 101. I need American history 101, day one.

01:11:11.000 We're going back to Roots.

01:11:14.000 Let's go from roots.

01:11:15.000 Let's go to 1776. What happened all there?

01:11:19.000 I need all that refreshed.

01:11:21.000 Yeah.

01:11:22.000 All that stuff needs to be refreshed.

01:11:24.000 Dude, Carlin has got some phenomenal stuff on World War I. Let's cover both wars.

01:11:30.000 Let's cover both wars.

01:11:31.000 Let's cover the Third War, Vietnam.

01:11:34.000 And let's cover the fucking, whatever, the conflict.

01:11:37.000 All that shit, I was doing comedy.

01:11:39.000 So who watches the news?

01:11:41.000 I don't know.

01:11:42.000 Who the fuck was watching the news in 1991?

01:11:44.000 Not me.

01:11:45.000 I didn't watch TV again till, you know, 2003 or something like that.

01:11:50.000 I didn't watch the fucking news and have a chance to be inclined politically or what the fuck was going on.

01:11:56.000 I was just worried about doing stand-up.

01:11:58.000 Right.

01:12:03.000 This silence brought to you by marijuana.

01:12:06.000 No, no, no.

01:12:06.000 I didn't know.

01:12:07.000 I thought he was looking for something on whatever.

01:12:09.000 Oh, I'm ready to fucking go.

01:12:10.000 You know me, dog.

01:12:11.000 I know you are.

01:12:11.000 We got a great fucking card this week.

01:12:13.000 We can fucking break down.

01:12:14.000 I know you broke it down with Brendan.

01:12:15.000 I got to tell you, man, I'm leaning, and I love Dan Cormio.

01:12:19.000 He's a fucking champion of champions.

01:12:21.000 He took a fucking couple bombs from Anthony Johnson.

01:12:26.000 Bombs from Anthony Johnson.

01:12:28.000 But Jesus Christ, every time they put an obstacle in front of Stipe's way, He figures out a way to take it down.

01:12:35.000 Yeah, he's hell-bent on staying champion.

01:12:37.000 He's a giant dude.

01:12:39.000 Like, Stipe's a big guy.

01:12:41.000 And I know that Daniel has beaten every single heavyweight he's fought.

01:12:45.000 He's undefeated as a heavyweight, including throwing Josh Barnett around, who's just a beast.

01:12:52.000 But Stipe is the most accomplished heavyweight champion of all time.

01:12:56.000 That's just a fact.

01:12:58.000 He defended his title against the top contenders and did it successfully three times.

01:13:04.000 Nobody else has been able to do that.

01:13:07.000 Ortega, Holloway, Jesus Christ.

01:13:09.000 Both fights are Jesus Christ, man.

01:13:11.000 What a fucking great fight.

01:13:12.000 Stipe DC fight is a fascinating fight, man.

01:13:15.000 Fascinating fight, so I'm looking forward to it.

01:13:17.000 DC's a phenomenal wrestler, and Stipe is, I mean, he's as good as it gets right now.

01:13:22.000 Are you doing the show Friday night, G? Yeah, me and Ian are doing the Mirage.

01:13:26.000 Okay, beautiful.

01:13:27.000 Yeah, it should be fun.

01:13:28.000 Nice.

01:13:30.000 Yeah.

01:13:30.000 You ready for it?

01:13:31.000 Yeah, man.

01:13:32.000 I'm excited.

01:13:33.000 I'm excited for this card.

01:13:34.000 It should be very interesting.

01:13:36.000 What's going on with you in the running lately?

01:13:38.000 You really digging it?

01:13:39.000 Yeah, I'm digging it, but I have a little bit of a tear in my meniscus.

01:13:42.000 Are you thinking of, if you fix the meniscus, of doing something with running, like running what your buddy does, those marathons, half-marathons?

01:13:51.000 Have you considered something like that?

01:13:53.000 Not really, man.

01:13:54.000 I'm not into doing something that I know is hard to do and is definitely not good for your body.

01:14:01.000 I just think you get beat up doing that shit too much.

01:14:04.000 How long does it take your friend?

01:14:06.000 Cameron's a different kind of human.

01:14:08.000 He needs that in some way.

01:14:09.000 How long does it take him to recover from something like that?

01:14:11.000 Well, that's an interesting thing, just a good time for that question, because he just ran a race today.

01:14:16.000 He ran like a six-mile race, and he was saying that his legs are not fully recovered.

01:14:21.000 He was saying in the post that, you know, his cardio was really good, but you gotta figure, you run for 24 hours.

01:14:28.000 I mean, he ran for 24 hours just a month ago, right?

01:14:32.000 Was it a month ago?

01:14:33.000 Not even.

01:14:34.000 Not even a month ago.

01:14:35.000 Three weeks ago?

01:14:35.000 Something like that?

01:14:36.000 Yeah.

01:14:37.000 That shit takes time.

01:14:38.000 And he's 50. When you're 50 years old, it's not as easy to bounce back.

01:14:43.000 The recovery is very tough, man.

01:14:46.000 Yeah, he's an animal.

01:14:47.000 But he lives to push himself like that.

01:14:50.000 I'm more inclined to try to preserve my body.

01:14:54.000 I like pushing myself, but I'm just a chicken shit.

01:14:58.000 I don't want to be breaking hips and knees and shit.

01:15:01.000 Our brother just had shoulder surgery.

01:15:04.000 Eddie Bravo.

01:15:04.000 Yeah, he just got the stitches out.

01:15:06.000 This is his second surgery that he's had just this year.

01:15:10.000 You know, he had knee surgery real recently, like a few months ago, right?

01:15:16.000 Didn't he have his meniscus done a few months ago?

01:15:18.000 This generation of jiu-jitsu guys is learning a lot and they're learning what they're gonna pass on to the next generation is that it's great to roll and the leg locks are great and all that is great.

01:15:30.000 But there's another aspect to this, which is called yoga and keeping your muscles strong.

01:15:35.000 And the conditioning has to be good.

01:15:38.000 You have to take care of yourself.

01:15:41.000 You have to take care of yourself.

01:15:43.000 These guys didn't know.

01:15:44.000 You didn't know.

01:15:45.000 You didn't know.

01:15:46.000 Well, it took me a while to learn.

01:15:47.000 But the reality of jiu-jitsu is it's...

01:15:51.000 A thing that, as you get older, you have to be much more careful who you train with and how you train.

01:15:57.000 You can't just go balls to the wall like you could when you were 27. You have to keep your shit together.

01:16:02.000 And, you know, injuries are real.

01:16:05.000 You can't just work through them.

01:16:07.000 Like, that was a big fallacy.

01:16:08.000 People would get hurt and they would try to roll light.

01:16:10.000 Nobody ever rolls light.

01:16:12.000 They always say they're gonna roll light and then the guy almost gets you and then you're trying to get him.

01:16:15.000 Next thing you know, you're defending and it's a fucking serious, heated up roll session, which is great. 0.55

01:16:21.000 But then you're like, ah, like your neck's all fucked up, and you go, alright, next guy, I'm just going to lay on my back and work my half guard. 0.94

01:16:28.000 Bullshit.

01:16:28.000 As soon as it starts getting hot and heavy, you almost got caught in an arm bar, and then you try to pop up, and then you try to pass his guard, and then you get into it.

01:16:35.000 You know, it's a thing that's too exciting, you know?

01:16:39.000 And jiu-jitsu, and when I say, like, rolling hard, I don't mean, like, Not even a real high-level match.

01:16:48.000 No, no, no.

01:16:49.000 Listen, me passing your guard and laying on you, that's a tough morning.

01:16:54.000 Even though I'm giving you love on top, Joe.

01:16:56.000 Can you breathe?

01:16:57.000 Yeah.

01:16:57.000 Yeah, I'm good, Joe.

01:16:58.000 I'm just not letting you get the underhook.

01:17:01.000 I give tons of love.

01:17:03.000 I love it.

01:17:04.000 I'm addicted to it.

01:17:06.000 It's changed who I am.

01:17:07.000 I had to attack it from a different foundation.

01:17:11.000 I was attacking it from looking at Jamie and going, I gotta do what Jamie does, and not realizing I got Jamie by 25 years and I can't do what Jamie does, so my game has to be completely different to Jamie's.

01:17:24.000 Mondays when I come into class, it's more about the The drilling and less about the rolling.

01:17:31.000 And I'll do an hour conditioning class with Brett.

01:17:35.000 We do everything.

01:17:36.000 We do the ball, the things, the ropes.

01:17:39.000 I do everything and I'll do that jujitsu class.

01:17:42.000 But I'll do the drills.

01:17:44.000 I'll roll once or twice and Papa's got to go.

01:17:47.000 Thursday, I go balls to the wall on the rolling, which means three or four rolls.

01:17:52.000 That's awesome.

01:17:53.000 And then I try to take Friday off and then Saturday I'll do Muay Thai and conditioning and I'm done for the week.

01:17:58.000 Joey Diaz getting fit.

01:18:00.000 You gotta do it.

01:18:00.000 I got this five-year-old.

01:18:02.000 Number two, I watched your thing and I really do it.

01:18:05.000 I go to fucking cryotherapy and I put my head in there.

01:18:08.000 I go to U.S. cryotherapy.

01:18:10.000 I'm a Novathor guy, too.

01:18:12.000 That bed is making me feel fucking phenomenal.

01:18:14.000 What is it?

01:18:15.000 I'm getting tremendous hard-ons.

01:18:16.000 What is it?

01:18:17.000 The Novathor bed.

01:18:18.000 The bed that you lay on and it cleans out your cells and shit like that.

01:18:21.000 What does it do?

01:18:22.000 It does everything.

01:18:23.000 Look it up.

01:18:24.000 It's a fucking animal.

01:18:24.000 You understand me?

01:18:26.000 Plus, I get in that freezer for three minutes and 30 seconds.

01:18:29.000 I put Madonna on.

01:18:31.000 Burn it up for your love.

01:18:32.000 I went to Gay Pride.

01:18:33.000 I forgot all about the gay.

01:18:34.000 Look at this thing.

01:18:35.000 Thinner, fitter, healthier, happier.

01:18:38.000 What is it?

01:18:38.000 Tremendous joke.

01:18:39.000 Dude, they're going to talk us into getting into a pod.

01:18:42.000 Next thing you know, you're going to be locked into the matrix.

01:18:47.000 So what is this treatment?

01:18:49.000 No negative side effects.

01:18:51.000 Clients are supplied with safety goggles and then relax into NovoThor treatment pod for 8 to 15 minutes of whole body restorative light treatment.

01:19:01.000 The treatment may be repeated two or more times a week.

01:19:08.000 What is it doing?

01:19:09.000 It's not saying what it's done.

01:19:11.000 You gotta instigate the fucking thing.

01:19:13.000 You gotta look into it.

01:19:14.000 What are you modeling me for?

01:19:15.000 I'm gonna tell you the wrong information.

01:19:19.000 Tell me why I should get in your light box.

01:19:22.000 It's a whole body delivery system of PBM therapy that has been designed to deliver optimal wavelengths, power...

01:19:29.000 What is that word?

01:19:31.000 Densities?

01:19:31.000 And dosages based on the published clinical research outcomes.

01:19:36.000 Huh.

01:19:38.000 I can't read from here.

01:19:39.000 It works the whole body in just 6 to 15 minutes.

01:19:41.000 The intended use of Novathor are to redevelop muscles or restore motion to joints or for use as an adjunct therapy for obesity.

01:19:51.000 That seems like it does a lot of shit.

01:19:54.000 I don't know.

01:19:54.000 Is that real?

01:19:55.000 I'm trying to hang on.

01:19:56.000 Is that real, Jamie?

01:19:57.000 Do I look okay?

01:19:58.000 You look good.

01:19:59.000 All right, then.

01:20:00.000 You look sexy.

01:20:00.000 You look like you're moving good.

01:20:01.000 Like you're losing weight.

01:20:03.000 Yeah, no, you have to do something.

01:20:05.000 Yeah.

01:20:05.000 All that training you're doing, if you're doing that much training, that's crazy.

01:20:08.000 That's really awesome.

01:20:09.000 I really love it, Doug.

01:20:10.000 That's beautiful.

01:20:11.000 And I try to do one strength training at the house, on its style, with club bells.

01:20:15.000 If you want to come here, man, I'll work you out.

01:20:17.000 We'll work out together.

01:20:18.000 You seriously?

01:20:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:20:19.000 I was thinking about calling you and coming earlier.

01:20:21.000 Maybe you give me a kickboxing lesson or something.

01:20:22.000 For sure.

01:20:23.000 And you know what else we could do?

01:20:24.000 We could do like a circuit.

01:20:25.000 A circuit training?

01:20:25.000 Yeah, because I have that Echo air bike.

01:20:28.000 You know that Echo bike?

01:20:29.000 I've never done that.

01:20:30.000 It's phenomenal.

01:20:31.000 So we could do rows.

01:20:33.000 The Echo Bike, and I got a VersaClimber.

01:20:35.000 And I like to do those Tabata sequences.

01:20:39.000 So it's like you go hard for 20 seconds, and then you rest for 10 seconds, and then you go hard for 20 seconds, and you rest for 10 seconds.

01:20:46.000 And you do like eight rounds of those.

01:20:48.000 It's fucking intense.

01:20:49.000 And then you jump on over to the row machine.

01:20:51.000 The row machine is another one, a similar number.

01:20:54.000 It's like 30 hard, 30 off, something like that.

01:20:58.000 And then you go to the Versaclimber and you plug in something.

01:21:00.000 Did you turn 50 yet?

01:21:01.000 Yeah, yeah, I'm 50. I'm almost 51. I'll be 51 in August.

01:21:05.000 It's really interesting what I've learned and what I've read about 50. I saw a picture of Carol O'Connor.

01:21:13.000 About a year ago, when he was 46 years old, he was doing Archie Bunker.

01:21:18.000 He was?

01:21:19.000 46. Jesus.

01:21:21.000 46. Whoa, go to that.

01:21:24.000 Give me a picture of Archie Bunker.

01:21:25.000 Is this when he stopped or when he started?

01:21:28.000 I don't know.

01:21:28.000 It was a picture of him in 46. And I was like, there has to be a better way.

01:21:34.000 Let me see that.

01:21:35.000 I saw...

01:21:36.000 Holy shit.

01:21:37.000 You know, this is what America...

01:21:39.000 That is crazy.

01:21:40.000 ...wanted you to look like at 46 and 47. And you were like, look at that, dude.

01:21:46.000 He looked like, well, maybe that was like in the later years.

01:21:52.000 There's a funny thing, right?

01:21:53.000 The lovable racist.

01:21:55.000 Yeah.

01:21:56.000 He was like the last of, like, he represented a real guy that might have had racist views that were kind of funny, and he was in some way endearing, because he was like such a good actor, and he was such a good character,

01:22:13.000 and it was so well written, and his relationship with his wife and his kids and with Meathead.

01:22:19.000 I mean, the whole thing was, it was a brilliant show.

01:22:22.000 Well, it's such a well-crafted show.

01:22:24.000 When Sammy Davis kissed him on the lips.

01:22:28.000 When he found the Puerto Ricans' dude in the wallet, while the Puerto Rican guy comes over, they're talking, and he looks at his wife in front of the Puerto Rican, and he goes, Alice, don't you stand there, offer him something.

01:22:43.000 And she goes, I don't know what he likes.

01:22:45.000 And he goes, I don't know what Puerto Ricans drink.

01:22:48.000 And he looks at him, and the guy's smiling, and I'm like, And he looks at him like, I don't know, a Puerto Rican's drink.

01:22:53.000 He goes, I don't know.

01:22:55.000 How about some pineapple juice?

01:22:57.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:22:58.000 The guy looks at him, you get thrown off the air today.

01:23:01.000 Yeah.

01:23:01.000 But it wasn't hateful racism.

01:23:06.000 It was Queens racism. 0.98

01:23:10.000 Well, first of all, pineapple juice is delicious.

01:23:14.000 And why is it racist that a dude from an island would want some pineapple juice?

01:23:19.000 I would think that you'd be, like, culturally sensitive to, like, introduce that possibility.

01:23:25.000 If I said to you...

01:23:26.000 You have a tradition of drinking pineapple juice in your country.

01:23:28.000 In today's society, if I said to you, listen, I'm leaving here, I'm going to Chinatown to get fireworks, if somebody heard me say it to you right now, tomorrow we'd get fucking...

01:23:37.000 Yeah, we'd have a problem.

01:23:38.000 I would have a problem.

01:23:39.000 Yeah.

01:23:39.000 Well, everybody knows that 20 years ago right now, I'd be heading to Chinatown in New York City getting fucking a mat of fireworks, 144 bottle rockets, a couple of Roman candles.

01:23:49.000 You know what's the most stupid, man, is that the food is somehow racist.

01:23:56.000 Like, there's food that's racist food.

01:23:58.000 Like, if you talked about black people and also talked about delicious fried chicken or delicious orange soda or grape soda, it would be grape soda, right?

01:24:08.000 Not orange soda.

01:24:09.000 Orange soda's white people. 0.98

01:24:10.000 Yeah, orange soda's a white people thing, right? 0.91

01:24:13.000 White trash? 1.00

01:24:13.000 Orange soda? 1.00

01:24:14.000 No?

01:24:15.000 Is that?

01:24:16.000 I don't know.

01:24:17.000 Not that I'm anti-orange soda, but I'm saying those foods, like watermelon in particular, if you talk about a black person and you talk about watermelon, that's a racist term even though watermelon's delicious.

01:24:29.000 It's fucking weird.

01:24:31.000 What the hell could be wrong about watermelon?

01:24:34.000 If you don't like the taste of watermelon, if it's a hot summer day and somebody busts open a cooler and gives you a slice of watermelon, how fucking pumped are you?

01:24:43.000 How could watermelon ever be negative?

01:24:46.000 That don't make any sense to me.

01:24:47.000 It makes zero sense.

01:24:49.000 And the only way it makes sense that fried chicken could be negative to you is if you're a vegan or a vegetarian and you don't want to eat a chicken.

01:24:56.000 That's the only way it makes sense that that would be a negative.

01:24:59.000 Because otherwise, fried chicken is fucking delicious.

01:25:02.000 Who doesn't like fried chicken?

01:25:03.000 If you eat meat, Fried chicken is something, you smell it, and you, oh, someone's really good at making it, and they got a nice flaky layer on the outside, you bite into that juicy, perfectly cooked chicken.

01:25:15.000 Lee's fried chicken in Tennessee.

01:25:17.000 Jesus, Joseph, and Mary.

01:25:19.000 The spices, you get in the spices.

01:25:21.000 A little Lee's fried chicken, Jesus Christ.

01:25:25.000 There's places that know how to do some fried chicken.

01:25:27.000 Oh my God.

01:25:28.000 How could that be bad?

01:25:29.000 How could that ever be racist?

01:25:31.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

01:25:33.000 We've got to let that go.

01:25:35.000 I'm going to tell you a racist thought, but not really.

01:25:37.000 Like Saturday, I went to the park with my daughter.

01:25:39.000 I'm sitting there, and I saw a Hasidic Jew on Sunday with the beanie and his wife with glasses. 0.99

01:25:45.000 I was in Sherman Oaks, and he had a $10 bill sticking out of his pocket.

01:25:49.000 And I wanted to work my fucking pickpocketing skills.

01:25:51.000 I wanted to see if I could still pickpocket a motherfucker. 0.99

01:25:54.000 I even had my daughter bumping into his leg and stuff.

01:25:57.000 You can't pickpocket a Jew, dog. 1.00

01:25:59.000 You can't do it.

01:26:00.000 You know, when I was a kid, that was my first fucking dream.

01:26:03.000 To pickpocket a Jew? 0.99

01:26:04.000 I watched a movie with our boy in it and Michael Saracen.

01:26:08.000 Who?

01:26:09.000 The first pickpocket movie is called Harry in Your Pocket with our boy in your Flint.

01:26:15.000 In like Flint.

01:26:16.000 James Colburn.

01:26:17.000 James Colburn was in a pickpocket movie?

01:26:19.000 Oh! 0.60

01:26:20.000 Nobody knows about it.

01:26:21.000 It's like the America's greatest secret.

01:26:23.000 And they would work airports and shit like that.

01:26:26.000 Harry in your pocket.

01:26:27.000 So I hunted down my mom.

01:26:29.000 I used to hear them talk about this Cuban pickpocket guy in Cuba in the 50s and 40s.

01:26:35.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:26:36.000 Tremendous.

01:26:36.000 What did you do with him?

01:26:37.000 You did something with him, right?

01:26:39.000 Yeah, I did two things with him.

01:26:40.000 I did American Gun with him, and I did Arliss with him.

01:26:45.000 Arliss is up.

01:26:46.000 You can find Arliss.

01:26:47.000 It's online.

01:26:47.000 Somebody just posted it a while ago.

01:26:49.000 I forgot about Arliss.

01:26:50.000 That's one of those shows that I forgot about.

01:26:52.000 But I watched him and I asked this guy, how do you become a pickpocket?

01:26:56.000 I bumped into him at a Cuban joint.

01:26:58.000 There was a rumor going around that he was a good pickpocket in Cuban.

01:27:01.000 He goes, you got to get a dummy and put bells on the pockets.

01:27:06.000 So I went, and I don't know how I got a little dummy, and I put bells on.

01:27:09.000 And fucking years I tried to be a pickpocket, but I had big hands.

01:27:13.000 Yeah, you gotta have those slender fingers.

01:27:15.000 You gotta have those slender fingers.

01:27:17.000 Slender piano player fingers.

01:27:18.000 You put little bells on fucking pockets, and you bump into them and shit.

01:27:21.000 I'm very light-footed.

01:27:23.000 That I am.

01:27:23.000 I was a good burglar because I could tiptoe.

01:27:26.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:27:27.000 That's when my years are tiptoeing on the dummy to try to take the wallet from the dummy.

01:27:31.000 I could just never fucking pickpocket the dummy.

01:27:34.000 It's great that you're doing so many different things, though.

01:27:36.000 It's really cool to hear.

01:27:37.000 You're rolling, you're doing some Muay Thai.

01:27:40.000 And the rolling has really improved because at first, you can't roll.

01:27:44.000 I dropped the weight because I figured for every five pounds, it'd be a little bit more cardio.

01:27:49.000 Plus, I got the Boss Rootin mouthpiece.

01:27:51.000 I spoke to him yesterday, guys.

01:27:53.000 You like that thing, huh?

01:27:54.000 I really believe in it.

01:27:55.000 I saw what it helped me.

01:27:56.000 Do you use it while you're working out?

01:27:57.000 I use it when I walk.

01:27:59.000 You're walking.

01:28:00.000 When I walk.

01:28:00.000 I take a walk in the morning, 20, 30 minutes.

01:28:03.000 Explain to people what it is.

01:28:04.000 The Boss Root and Mouthpiece is on Amazon.

01:28:07.000 It's in his webpage.

01:28:08.000 I saw it because he was on Joe.

01:28:11.000 Talking about it.

01:28:11.000 I was having such a struggle with my breathing.

01:28:14.000 I was having such a struggle, but it was just common sense.

01:28:18.000 Number one, I smoked cigarettes for 20 years.

01:28:21.000 Number two, I smoked reefer for 40 years, but all those are just excuses.

01:28:25.000 The number one thing was the wait.

01:28:29.000 There it is.

01:28:30.000 What a handsome bastard.

01:28:32.000 Look at him.

01:28:33.000 Yeah, he's such a handsome motherfucker.

01:28:34.000 Handsome motherfucker.

01:28:35.000 He's a great guy, too.

01:28:36.000 He's one of the best people I know.

01:28:38.000 He's a great guy.

01:28:39.000 A great brown belt told me that whenever he rolls, he can feel the difference when he's 10 pounds heavy.

01:28:46.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

01:28:47.000 He goes, oh, Joey, whenever I go to my mother's and I come back that first week, it's brutal.

01:28:50.000 I go, really?

01:28:52.000 And I go, so if I'm walking around at 309 trying to be fucking Eddie, it's not going to work.

01:28:58.000 So I just started chopping on the weight.

01:28:59.000 I went back to Weight Watchers.

01:29:01.000 I walked in there at 310. I heard they have a bunch of different rules now.

01:29:05.000 Like what you can eat and what you can't eat.

01:29:07.000 Let me tell you something, bro.

01:29:07.000 You can eat as many eggs as you want.

01:29:08.000 I'm going to look you in the face and tell you something.

01:29:10.000 I'm going to look you in the face and tell you something.

01:29:12.000 Do it.

01:29:12.000 Because you know you and I always have this conversation.

01:29:15.000 If you're heavy and you don't go to Weight Watchers, it's because you're a fucking loser.

01:29:20.000 Whoa.

01:29:22.000 That's a strong pitch.

01:29:23.000 It's that easy.

01:29:24.000 It's that easy.

01:29:26.000 Because I'm an idiot.

01:29:27.000 You enjoy it.

01:29:28.000 I'm a fucking idiot.

01:29:29.000 Here, Papa.

01:29:30.000 Here, Papa.

01:29:31.000 Come on.

01:29:32.000 What is that?

01:29:33.000 That's my guide.

01:29:34.000 Okay.

01:29:35.000 That's my guide.

01:29:36.000 Oh, so you put everything you eat into this app?

01:29:39.000 Into the app.

01:29:39.000 Oh, nice.

01:29:40.000 Okay, it comes with them.

01:29:41.000 Let me show you what else I got.

01:29:42.000 Lunch, dinner.

01:29:43.000 Snacks.

01:29:44.000 Snacks total.

01:29:45.000 And then you count it out by points?

01:29:48.000 Is that what they do?

01:29:49.000 Points.

01:29:49.000 They do it themselves.

01:29:50.000 And how many points do you get in a day?

01:29:51.000 39. Now, let's say, Joey, would you eat that?

01:29:54.000 Give me that can of coffee.

01:29:57.000 Right there.

01:29:58.000 Give me that one on top of it if you don't mind.

01:29:59.000 Pink?

01:30:00.000 Okay.

01:30:01.000 We don't know.

01:30:02.000 So you scan that, and then it'll tell you how many...

01:30:06.000 I don't think that has many calories in it.

01:30:08.000 Does coffee, plain coffee, have calories?

01:30:10.000 Not really.

01:30:12.000 Maybe a couple.

01:30:13.000 But not really.

01:30:14.000 It's when you get the fucking milkshake coffees for breakfast.

01:30:17.000 And the fucking flat white.

01:30:19.000 Even a flat white don't kill you.

01:30:21.000 Alright, this isn't in there.

01:30:22.000 It's not in there.

01:30:22.000 But you go like this, boom.

01:30:24.000 And then you got this, Joe Rogan.

01:30:25.000 You ready?

01:30:26.000 You press this over here.

01:30:27.000 And you press this here.

01:30:29.000 And you press this here.

01:30:30.000 And they give you points for whatever you do.

01:30:33.000 Walk, circuit training.

01:30:35.000 Then you have custom.

01:30:36.000 So I press Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

01:30:39.000 You go to an hour class.

01:30:40.000 How much do you really fucking roll?

01:30:42.000 15 minutes.

01:30:44.000 If you go to an hour class, you're doing technique, he teaches you how to do the drill, and he tells you a joke, so you're pressing 15, done, and then you press the intensity, where you breathe like an atom.

01:30:55.000 I just bet seven points.

01:30:57.000 You leave this in your phone, in your pocket, you put this in your pocket, and fucking guess what happens?

01:31:03.000 It counts the steps.

01:31:05.000 When I went to Disneyland, that burnt 31 fucking points.

01:31:09.000 So it's all the eggs I could eat for breakfast.

01:31:11.000 So for breakfast, I go to John's and I got a seated row.

01:31:14.000 Even if I give myself four fucking points for the row, five points for the row, six points for the row, I put two eggs in that motherfucker, which is 14 grams of protein. 1.00

01:31:24.000 And I put a thin slice of Thuman's, Boar's head American cheese, and some Frank's hot sauce on that motherfucker. 1.00

01:31:30.000 How you gonna talk to me?

01:31:31.000 What do you want to talk to me about?

01:31:33.000 So, you essentially can eat anything you want, as long as you know what the points are, you get a certain amount of points.

01:31:38.000 Fish?

01:31:39.000 I can outfish you for days.

01:31:41.000 So I'll leave here and go to fucking Sushi Dan, and I'll get the crunchy albacore, which is, I can't wait for Rogan to visit me.

01:31:48.000 It's sliced albacore, covered with jalapenos, onion and garlic cloves.

01:31:54.000 Is it possible, let me ask you this, is it possible that you could eat just all eggs all day and have zero points?

01:32:00.000 Zero points.

01:32:01.000 Really?

01:32:02.000 Eggs all day.

01:32:03.000 Scrambled eggs all day.

01:32:05.000 That sounds crazy.

01:32:06.000 Fish all day.

01:32:07.000 Sea bass.

01:32:08.000 All day.

01:32:08.000 If you could eat salmon and sea bass all day.

01:32:10.000 Chicken breast.

01:32:11.000 No skin.

01:32:12.000 No skin.

01:32:13.000 All motherfucking day.

01:32:15.000 All day.

01:32:16.000 Chicken breast.

01:32:16.000 Not chicken cutlets like mom made with Italian breadcrumbs.

01:32:20.000 No.

01:32:21.000 No, no, no.

01:32:21.000 That's fried.

01:32:22.000 Grilled chicken on the breast with red crushed peppers and a baked potato.

01:32:27.000 Five points for the baked potato.

01:32:29.000 Ooh.

01:32:30.000 So you want to tell me again how...

01:32:33.000 Listen, it's not a fucking race.

01:32:36.000 See, before, it's only healthy to lose like a pound, a pound and a half a week.

01:32:40.000 Is that what it is?

01:32:41.000 That's what it really is.

01:32:42.000 That's what they say?

01:32:42.000 Anything after that, you're going into that loser show where they lost all that weight at one shot.

01:32:48.000 And then that's why all these diets and stuff that you have to do something that you're going to do forever.

01:32:54.000 I've always liked this.

01:32:55.000 I lost 100 pounds with this.

01:32:57.000 Yeah.

01:32:57.000 And then I gained 40, and now I lost another 30. That's awesome.

01:33:03.000 And it hasn't been killing me.

01:33:04.000 Like, I don't miss nothing.

01:33:06.000 You know what I learned?

01:33:07.000 I didn't know this.

01:33:08.000 I would go get an acai bowl.

01:33:10.000 America thinks an acai bowl is great.

01:33:13.000 Let me explain something to you.

01:33:14.000 Eating a banana and putting a banana in a blender is two different things.

01:33:19.000 I did not know that.

01:33:21.000 One day I was making one of those because I switched.

01:33:24.000 I have Onnit protein, which I used, the vanilla or the chocolate, the Mexican chocolate.

01:33:29.000 And then I have this other one that's a paleo-type protein.

01:33:32.000 It's coconut milk.

01:33:35.000 And I used that one.

01:33:36.000 And one day I said, let me put a banana in this motherfucker just to see. 1.00

01:33:39.000 And I'm like, damn, this is delicious.

01:33:40.000 I'm on to something.

01:33:42.000 I gained weight that week.

01:33:43.000 I didn't know what it was.

01:33:44.000 From the banana?

01:33:46.000 When you blend a banana, it's eight points.

01:33:49.000 What?

01:33:50.000 When you eat a banana, it's ugats.

01:33:53.000 What?

01:33:53.000 It's zero points.

01:33:54.000 How's that for you?

01:33:54.000 Because when you eat fruit and when you drink fruit, it's two different things.

01:33:58.000 That's why all these fat people, when you see them going, I don't eat breakfast, I drink a smoothie.

01:34:03.000 You're killing yourself.

01:34:05.000 You are killing yourself every time you puree fruit because when you eat fruit, the saliva in your mouth breaks the fruit down and it digests the sugar a different way.

01:34:21.000 When you bypass that enzyme in your mouth, that's when you get 300 pounds like Uncle Joey.

01:34:28.000 So when you drink fruit, I don't care if they tell you, oh, it's frozen fruit, you lose some of the sugar.

01:34:33.000 That's bullshit.

01:34:35.000 Once you fucking blend that fruit, you're dead.

01:34:38.000 Because it goes right into your system.

01:34:39.000 It goes right into your system.

01:34:40.000 Break down all the fiber and all that stuff.

01:34:42.000 Yeah, you're not supposed to eat food any other way other than the way that comes when you eat it.

01:34:49.000 You could go to that fucking little Mexican stand with the umbrellas. 0.98

01:34:52.000 You ever see those guys?

01:34:53.000 The cartel delivery?

01:34:54.000 Is that what that is?

01:34:55.000 Yeah, that's where the cartel drops off that money.

01:34:57.000 Shake them down.

01:34:58.000 They got $300,000 under that.

01:35:00.000 Guys over there cutting fruit with a machete.

01:35:02.000 Go ahead.

01:35:03.000 I dare you to go up there.

01:35:04.000 When you see a cartel umbrella, that's a cartel money.

01:35:07.000 They got tons of money in those things.

01:35:09.000 They just confuse people.

01:35:11.000 They even got them across the street from one another.

01:35:14.000 Whoa.

01:35:15.000 That's Starbucks type shit.

01:35:16.000 Don't you think they're just poor people that are trying to make some money?

01:35:18.000 Not really.

01:35:19.000 You know how many apples you got to sell to fucking pay rent in these days and times?

01:35:23.000 Nobody stands out there.

01:35:24.000 Look at those Mexicans. 1.00

01:35:25.000 They don't even use SPF. They're out there raw with no fucking umbrella out there.

01:35:29.000 They look darker than dark.

01:35:31.000 They get dark.

01:35:32.000 You know what you got to pay me to stand out there all fucking day in this weather?

01:35:35.000 A lot.

01:35:36.000 They got like 200 a day, 300 a day.

01:35:38.000 Not because they're cutting apples up.

01:35:41.000 Because a guy comes playing Pancho and takes what's underneath him and takes it straight to Mexico on Thursdays and nobody sees nothing.

01:35:48.000 Every time you eat that fruit, it's sprinkled with cocaine.

01:35:51.000 Eat some of that fruit with them.

01:35:52.000 Watch the energy.

01:35:53.000 You get like that boxer, Roy Floyd.

01:35:55.000 Can't they just be poor farmers?

01:35:58.000 Because that's how nice people like you think.

01:36:00.000 For me, I'm a criminal.

01:36:01.000 I see people for what it is.

01:36:03.000 I see things for what it is.

01:36:05.000 I'm trying to sell Lee to a rehab.

01:36:07.000 Are you?

01:36:07.000 I got a friend that's got a rehab.

01:36:09.000 You go down there.

01:36:09.000 Lee?

01:36:10.000 Why are you trying to send Lee to a rehab?

01:36:12.000 Because he can make money.

01:36:14.000 There's a bunch of rehabs in Florida you go to.

01:36:17.000 And they get your insurance, and they bang your insurance for 60, and then they give you a cut back at 30. I totally...

01:36:23.000 Let me send you down there to my buddies. 0.97

01:36:24.000 Give me 10%.

01:36:25.000 I get three grand.

01:36:26.000 You go down there, get acupuncture, they give you a few massages.

01:36:30.000 What do you give a fuck?

01:36:35.000 The rehab business is...

01:36:37.000 Imagine who Lee Syatt would be in terms of his marijuana consumption.

01:36:42.000 Imagine where he would be if it wasn't for you.

01:36:46.000 That guy, when you first started having him on your show, when you guys first started doing your shows together...

01:36:52.000 He had smoked pot maybe three times in college.

01:36:55.000 A couple months in, he's done superhero doses of edibles.

01:37:00.000 A couple months in.

01:37:02.000 Little by little, little by little.

01:37:04.000 Yeah, but when you would sneak them in on them, and you would take away a 250 and put in a 500 and rewrap it.

01:37:09.000 Well, what I would do is, I'd get this one.

01:37:10.000 Look at him!

01:37:13.000 The Joey Diaz.

01:37:16.000 Co-star in the Church of What's Happening Now is completely asleep at the wheel.

01:37:20.000 He's on the show, and his eyes are almost totally closed.

01:37:24.000 He's barely a slit, and he's just dazed.

01:37:27.000 Who's the guest?

01:37:28.000 Who is that?

01:37:29.000 It's Rayden Basia, a kid that I told on this podcast.

01:37:33.000 Look at him, look at him, look at him.

01:37:34.000 Yeah, he can't take enough of him.

01:37:36.000 He's so hot.

01:37:38.000 What is the name of this video, Jamie?

01:37:39.000 Lee in Outer Space.

01:37:41.000 Lee Sia in Outer Space.

01:37:47.000 Look at him go!

01:37:48.000 He's gone.

01:37:49.000 I would get these, okay?

01:37:50.000 I would go over there in the afternoons, and I would get a 180, and I would rip the cover off the 180. And I would take a 67, 60 milligram one, and I'd eat that one.

01:38:00.000 It was like two in the afternoon.

01:38:02.000 They don't do nothing to me.

01:38:03.000 I'd eat like a 60, and I'd take the 180 and put it in the 60 wrapper.

01:38:08.000 Oh, no.

01:38:09.000 And then I'd bring it to him, put it on the table, and in front of him, I'd go, here.

01:38:13.000 And I'd open it up for him, and he wouldn't see that it was half-opened already.

01:38:17.000 And I would give him the 60. Like, last night, I gave him an expired one.

01:38:22.000 It had a little bit of mold on it.

01:38:29.000 He's gonna be a good comic.

01:38:31.000 He's gonna be a good comic.

01:38:34.000 Look at Eleanor.

01:38:35.000 Eleanor sat there for 15 years, shut her mouth, and watched.

01:38:42.000 There's a really special gift to that.

01:38:44.000 Yeah.

01:38:46.000 Whether you think Eleanor's funny or not, whether you agree with her or not, I give her the balls.

01:38:51.000 A lot of people don't like just sitting there and watching.

01:38:54.000 There's a lot of people that do, though.

01:38:56.000 You know, there's a lot of people that work in and around comedy clubs that probably want to do it.

01:39:00.000 They just don't know how to get started.

01:39:02.000 You know, they just don't have it in them to get the ball rolling.

01:39:05.000 It's hard.

01:39:06.000 It's hard to try something new.

01:39:08.000 You keep thinking about when's the right time to do it?

01:39:10.000 Is it now?

01:39:11.000 Maybe should I wait a week?

01:39:12.000 You know what?

01:39:13.000 I'm going to lose 10 pounds, and then I'm going to try it.

01:39:15.000 And you get all these things in your head.

01:39:16.000 How long did it take you?

01:39:17.000 Seriously.

01:39:17.000 Honest, honest, honest engine.

01:39:19.000 Well, my birthday was August 11th.

01:39:23.000 And when I turned 21 was August 11th of 2000, or 1988 rather.

01:39:30.000 So I got on stage August 27th.

01:39:33.000 So from my birthday to when I got on stage was just a few days.

01:39:39.000 Was it nerves?

01:39:41.000 Terrified.

01:39:42.000 I was trying to chicken out.

01:39:44.000 Jonathan Katz was the emcee and I was maybe going to get up it was one of those things where I signed up for the list you know you get I think it was five minutes and there's a bunch of people that are gonna do five minutes and Jonathan Katz who was already an established stand-up comedian he really funny guy and he was the host and he's like he came up to me he said let me check in a half an hour in to see if I can get young sometimes people wouldn't show up and so a half an hour in I'm thinking,

01:40:14.000 I'm just going to chicken out.

01:40:15.000 I'm just going to bail.

01:40:16.000 I'm just going to tell him, forget about it.

01:40:18.000 And when I'm thinking this in my head, I walked up to him and he says, I got you in, Joe.

01:40:22.000 So you'll be going up right here and you'll have five minutes.

01:40:26.000 Good luck.

01:40:27.000 And I said, alright, thanks, man.

01:40:30.000 Okay.

01:40:30.000 So I was ready to pussy out, dude.

01:40:32.000 I was totally ready to pussy out. 0.86

01:40:33.000 And I was so nervous.

01:40:36.000 The first time I went on stage, I was fucking terrified.

01:40:38.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:40:40.000 What was the name of the place?

01:40:41.000 Stitches.

01:40:41.000 Stitches Comedy Club.

01:40:43.000 August 27, 1988. I was terrified, dude.

01:40:47.000 Terrified.

01:40:48.000 I couldn't believe.

01:40:48.000 I was scared.

01:40:49.000 It didn't make any sense to me.

01:40:51.000 I didn't think I was going to be scared.

01:40:52.000 I thought maybe I'd be a little nervous.

01:40:55.000 I'd never performed before.

01:40:56.000 So this idea of doing it, I was like, well, you know, I've taught taekwondo classes in front of people before.

01:41:02.000 I can talk in front of people.

01:41:04.000 And then I thought about the idea of doing stand-up in front of people.

01:41:07.000 What the fuck made this go down?

01:41:09.000 It took me...

01:41:10.000 It's crazy.

01:41:10.000 It took me...

01:41:12.000 A year to think about it, and then it snowed, and I couldn't go to work because you can't roof in Colorado.

01:41:21.000 So I rented Punchline.

01:41:24.000 Oh, with Tom Hanks and Sally Fields?

01:41:27.000 Angel Salazar, Damon Wayans, a bunch of people in that movie.

01:41:33.000 I watched Punchline, and that pissed me the fuck off.

01:41:39.000 Like that was it.

01:41:40.000 I went on the Yellow Pages.

01:41:42.000 I found comedy clubs.

01:41:43.000 I called them.

01:41:44.000 And Comedy Works offered a Tuesday night open mic.

01:41:47.000 How do I get on?

01:41:48.000 You have to call in and they'll give you three minutes.

01:41:51.000 Okay.

01:41:52.000 So for two months I called in.

01:41:54.000 Nothing.

01:41:55.000 And then one night they're like, Joe Diaz.

01:41:58.000 And I called him back that night.

01:42:01.000 I'm sick.

01:42:01.000 I got the flu.

01:42:03.000 I was like, I'm not going down there.

01:42:04.000 Wow.

01:42:05.000 And then I was roofing.

01:42:07.000 I'm roofing, I'm roofing, I'm roofing.

01:42:09.000 I'm estimating jobs.

01:42:10.000 I'm going to different jobs and dropping off material.

01:42:13.000 I had two crews working.

01:42:15.000 And I went to one crew and they go, hey man, we're stuck here on this job.

01:42:18.000 Can you get us the morning break?

01:42:21.000 And I go, yeah, I'll go over there.

01:42:22.000 And I went over to this little diner right off the fucking 30, whatever, that I-70?

01:42:28.000 Is that I-70 or I-25?

01:42:30.000 Which one?

01:42:31.000 The one in Denver.

01:42:32.000 It was like an industrial area, trucks everywhere.

01:42:36.000 I don't remember what the number that road is.

01:42:38.000 We were doing a road there, but there was a place around the corner, Jamie, that had the best fucking green chili you've ever had in your fucking life.

01:42:46.000 And when you poured them over fucking scrambled eggs, your dick would get fucking harder than fuck.

01:42:52.000 With two tortillas, are you kidding me?

01:42:54.000 To eat up those fucking two... 0.99

01:42:56.000 Huevos rancheros.

01:42:57.000 I walk over there, I sit down, And you know how there's always a paper, like in front of you, you ever go to a diner or something, there's always a paper, somebody read.

01:43:05.000 Right.

01:43:06.000 And I sit down and I give the waitress the order.

01:43:08.000 I'm sitting there and I look over and I went like this, just out of, you know how you just go like that to the middle?

01:43:13.000 And when I opened it said, do you want to be a stand-up comic?

01:43:18.000 Whoa.

01:43:20.000 And it was an article about how Roseanne became a stand-up comic and now because of Denver, she had just blown up.

01:43:27.000 Like Roseanne had just blown up.

01:43:29.000 It was maybe March of 91. Roseanne had just blown up.

01:43:37.000 Denver was a hotbed, Jack.

01:43:39.000 Everybody was drinking the water.

01:43:41.000 Everybody wanted to see what Roseanne was doing, so it had a big thing about Roseanne, and it had all these open mic spots, and it had classes that you could take.

01:43:50.000 And there was a class in Boulder for $33.

01:43:55.000 Three Sundays in a row at the University of Colorado, part of the continuing education.

01:44:01.000 The guy that taught it, his name was Jeff Harms.

01:44:05.000 And I went the first Sunday, did okay.

01:44:07.000 Went the second Sunday, did okay.

01:44:09.000 And the third Sunday, I performed.

01:44:11.000 And on the way out, he took me aside and he goes, I don't know how serious you are about this, but you're onto something.

01:44:17.000 If you want to do it, let me know.

01:44:19.000 And I left there going, I want to sell coke.

01:44:23.000 Fucking crack, stupid fucking jokes.

01:44:27.000 I want to crack fucking jokes.

01:44:30.000 If I want to do anything, I'll be a pickpocket, a fucking magician, and fucking come up with birds and shit.

01:44:35.000 I swear to God, like, are you fucking crazy?

01:44:38.000 I want to sell coke.

01:44:39.000 I don't want to fucking be a comedian.

01:44:41.000 And then about a month later, I saw an ad in the paper for doormen for comedy clubs.

01:44:48.000 And I called it up, and they said, come up.

01:44:50.000 And on the way there, I called Jeff.

01:44:53.000 He gave me his number, because he said, if you want to get on stage, just call me.

01:44:56.000 I'll put you up somewhere.

01:44:57.000 And I go, there's a job for a doorman at Wits End.

01:45:01.000 Do you think I could get it?

01:45:02.000 And he goes, I'll call the guy right now.

01:45:04.000 You got it.

01:45:04.000 Just drive there and fill out the app and tell him you're friends with me.

01:45:07.000 And they made me a doorman slash sound guy.

01:45:13.000 And the bar back quit.

01:45:15.000 So I was the door guy, sound guy, and the bar back.

01:45:21.000 And after about six months, I had two jobs.

01:45:23.000 I hated going home.

01:45:24.000 I had a marriage that was just fucking, just like the ones we all talk about, when you cannot go home.

01:45:30.000 It's not your home anymore.

01:45:31.000 Right.

01:45:33.000 I would basically leave at six, come home at five, take a shower, eat whatever fucking crap she cooked, give the baby a kiss, and I'd get in my truck and go back to Westminster. 0.65

01:45:45.000 It was a club away from the Comedy Works.

01:45:48.000 It was in Westminster.

01:45:49.000 But it didn't get the best people in the world.

01:45:52.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:45:52.000 You got toothless people in there and people who poach bears and shit like that.

01:45:58.000 So I started there.

01:45:59.000 And then in the middle of all that, it took me two months to get a spot from Wendy.

01:46:05.000 And then I went down there.

01:46:07.000 Ed Nichols saw me, one of the original owners of the Comedy Store with Wendy with the Comedy...

01:46:11.000 What's the name?

01:46:12.000 Comedy Works?

01:46:12.000 Comedy Works in Denver.

01:46:13.000 He was one of the original owners with Wendy.

01:46:15.000 Ed Nichols saw me and told me to keep coming back.

01:46:19.000 But I knew when I walked off that stage that life as I knew it had ended.

01:46:26.000 How so?

01:46:27.000 Whatever I thought life was at that point had gone out the window.

01:46:34.000 Saturday was fucked up for me because Saturday I was supposed to be somewhere this week but I couldn't go. 0.97

01:46:40.000 I had to go to my friend's mother's 80th birthday party.

01:46:44.000 And why it was important, it was in Philly.

01:46:46.000 It was away from Philly.

01:46:47.000 She's in an old folks home because they're the second family that took me in when my mom died.

01:46:53.000 Like, they took me in a crucial spot, Joe.

01:46:56.000 Like, you're throwing me out.

01:46:58.000 I'm 17. And I got nowhere to go.

01:47:01.000 I couldn't go to my stepfather.

01:47:04.000 So I had an aunt in New York that I could live with, and I had a godmother in Harlem.

01:47:09.000 And I didn't want to live with both of them, Joe.

01:47:12.000 I just mentioned to a friend one day, we were out snorting coke and drinking, and I told him, I go, where I'm staying, they're going to throw me out any day now.

01:47:22.000 And he wasn't even good friends with me.

01:47:24.000 And about a week later, I saw him at school.

01:47:26.000 And he goes, Hey, man, I talked to my father.

01:47:27.000 You can move in with us.

01:47:29.000 That was whose birthday it was on Saturday.

01:47:31.000 You know, so when I got off the phone with her, I was thinking about how important they were to me.

01:47:36.000 But I still remember being 17 and sitting on that hill on 86th and Kennedy Boulevard, thinking about how I had nowhere to go, bro.

01:47:46.000 Like, this was my only shot.

01:47:48.000 Like, I had nowhere to go.

01:47:51.000 Like nowhere.

01:47:52.000 There wasn't like a homeless chandelier.

01:47:54.000 I didn't know where the fuck to go.

01:47:55.000 I probably had $10 in my pocket.

01:47:58.000 And then the younger brother ran up to hell and he goes, Dog, they're waiting for you to come to eat the dinner.

01:48:03.000 Come over there.

01:48:04.000 I had never met the parents.

01:48:07.000 How lucky am I, Joe Rogan?

01:48:08.000 I never met the parents.

01:48:10.000 That's pretty lucky.

01:48:11.000 And I walked in, and they had like six kids, and it wasn't like what I was used to living.

01:48:17.000 They had no air conditioner.

01:48:18.000 The parents were blue-collar, and they took me in, and they made me a part of their home.

01:48:23.000 Never asked me for rent.

01:48:26.000 Wasn't the fucking best house on the block.

01:48:28.000 But to this day, I'm tight with all the four brothers and sisters.

01:48:32.000 It's like we're all one big family.

01:48:35.000 But think how fucking lucky.

01:48:36.000 I'm not even talking about being thankful for the comedy bridge.

01:48:40.000 Just the personal bridge that I went over.

01:48:42.000 I was a killer.

01:48:44.000 At that point, I had lost all faith in humanity.

01:48:49.000 I was done.

01:48:50.000 I wasn't a Catholic no more.

01:48:52.000 I was just waiting to kill somebody.

01:48:55.000 That's it.

01:48:56.000 That's all I was waiting on.

01:48:57.000 It's such a weird...

01:48:59.000 Like, I'm not even worried about the comedy bridge no more.

01:49:02.000 It was the personal bridge where I grew the most, you know?

01:49:04.000 I don't even know how we got in this conversation.

01:49:06.000 This weed is killing me.

01:49:07.000 It's good weed.

01:49:09.000 They're gonna kill the good weed now, right?

01:49:11.000 Is that what's happening?

01:49:12.000 How does this work?

01:49:13.000 No, no, no.

01:49:14.000 I still got some guys.

01:49:15.000 Yeah, I'm sure you do.

01:49:16.000 I mean, legally.

01:49:17.000 But legally.

01:49:18.000 It'll still be available for medicinal people who have cards.

01:49:21.000 So we gotta get a card?

01:49:22.000 Yeah.

01:49:22.000 Recreational, it's gonna be dumped out a little bit.

01:49:23.000 Gotta renew that card, son.

01:49:25.000 I got it.

01:49:26.000 I gotta renew that card.

01:49:28.000 I don't want any of your bullshit weed.

01:49:30.000 I don't want any of your fucking watered down weed. 0.99

01:49:32.000 What are they gonna do?

01:49:32.000 They gotta water it down?

01:49:33.000 How much?

01:49:34.000 18%.

01:49:35.000 Something like that.

01:49:36.000 But never fear.

01:49:37.000 But here's the thing.

01:49:38.000 Isn't that strong enough?

01:49:39.000 Uncle Joey's here.

01:49:40.000 Look, look, look.

01:49:40.000 Crazy assholes.

01:49:41.000 Never fear.

01:49:41.000 Oh, look at this.

01:49:42.000 We got a DEA one too.

01:49:43.000 Oh, wow.

01:49:44.000 What do you think you're dealing with here?

01:49:45.000 Joey Bananas?

01:49:46.000 We got state, federal.

01:49:48.000 We got them coming from all over.

01:49:49.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:49:51.000 Damn.

01:49:52.000 DEA. Fuck yeah.

01:49:54.000 Just in case.

01:49:55.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:49:55.000 Just in case.

01:49:55.000 Just in case we don't end up like fucking Tom Cruise, an American maid.

01:49:59.000 I was looking at the medicinal rules in Ohio recently.

01:50:02.000 You can't grow your own there if you have a card.

01:50:05.000 Yeah, they're sneaky with that shit, right?

01:50:06.000 Yeah.

01:50:07.000 Hopefully people eventually vote that out, but you had to get it in there first.

01:50:11.000 That's the only way it would have passed.

01:50:12.000 They have everything wired up.

01:50:14.000 But it's a victory because it's going to be very difficult to make it illegal now that it's legal.

01:50:19.000 It's going to be very difficult to go backwards.

01:50:21.000 So then you have to figure out, like, why do these companies have a monopoly on making it?

01:50:27.000 If it's legal, why can't you make it yourself?

01:50:29.000 Aren't tomatoes legal?

01:50:30.000 I can grow tomatoes, can't I? You could even probably grow, like, do you need a tax stamp or something to grow tobacco?

01:50:37.000 How does that work?

01:50:39.000 Maybe to sell it.

01:50:41.000 Hmm.

01:50:42.000 Like, if you wanted to grow your own tobacco, would you be able to do that?

01:50:45.000 Like, if you said, I want to make my own fucking pipes and, you know, fill them with my own tobacco.

01:50:50.000 I want to make my own cigars.

01:50:51.000 Could you do that?

01:50:53.000 Is that possible?

01:50:54.000 For personal use?

01:50:56.000 That's crazy.

01:50:57.000 So if you could do that federally, and then they're saying you can't, in Ohio, you can't grow your own weed?

01:51:05.000 That's so stupid.

01:51:07.000 That's so dumb.

01:51:09.000 Would you grow your own weed?

01:51:11.000 Do you even know what you're doing?

01:51:12.000 No, I wouldn't.

01:51:12.000 You're like me.

01:51:13.000 I don't know a dick about nothing.

01:51:14.000 No, I don't.

01:51:14.000 I don't know a dick about it.

01:51:15.000 I wouldn't do it.

01:51:15.000 But you should be able to.

01:51:18.000 If it's legal, of course you should be able to grow it.

01:51:21.000 It's a fucking plant.

01:51:22.000 Nobody should have a monopoly.

01:51:23.000 So where can you not grow it?

01:51:23.000 Where can you not grow it?

01:51:25.000 In Ohio, if you have a card.

01:51:26.000 Here's the worry.

01:51:27.000 The worry is that you wouldn't charge taxes.

01:51:30.000 You would keep the money.

01:51:32.000 You wouldn't be accurate.

01:51:33.000 You just do it with cash.

01:51:34.000 You do cash transactions.

01:51:35.000 That's the worry.

01:51:36.000 But that would be a tax worry.

01:51:39.000 Right?

01:51:40.000 Is that what it is?

01:51:40.000 Is that what they're saying?

01:51:41.000 That's what it is for tobacco, too, yeah.

01:51:42.000 You can grow as much as you want.

01:51:43.000 You just can't sell it.

01:51:44.000 Oh, okay.

01:51:44.000 But they're not even allowed to grow their own for personal use when it comes to marijuana.

01:51:48.000 So it's more restrictive than tobacco, which is hilarious.

01:51:53.000 Silly fucks.

01:51:54.000 That's so dumb.

01:51:55.000 Does that make any sense to you?

01:51:58.000 We have some wacky laws that we let sneak through.

01:52:01.000 Like, why would you let other people decide that different people in this group can't grow a plant that's legal now?

01:52:09.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:52:10.000 That's dumb.

01:52:11.000 That's a dumb rule.

01:52:13.000 They can't.

01:52:14.000 No edibles over a hundred.

01:52:16.000 No weed that's loose anymore.

01:52:19.000 So if I come into your store and I go, what do you got?

01:52:22.000 You can't open up the container and show me the butter and let me smell it.

01:52:27.000 They all have to be sealed and stuff.

01:52:29.000 There's just a lot of silly rules.

01:52:31.000 I don't know which ones they don't.

01:52:32.000 I'm very happy I found this bag of expired fucking Chiba Chews from 2015. And they're still good?

01:52:41.000 Listen, you know me, I make it work.

01:52:44.000 Are they diminished in any way?

01:52:45.000 No, no, no.

01:52:46.000 A couple of them have a little bit of mold on them.

01:52:48.000 You just take the mold off.

01:52:49.000 I put a little brown nail polish on it and nobody knows nothing.

01:52:52.000 You just eat it like nothing.

01:52:54.000 Who gives a fuck?

01:52:55.000 A little mold never killed nobody.

01:52:56.000 Molds help people.

01:52:58.000 Penicillin, right?

01:52:59.000 Penicillin came from some mold, didn't it?

01:53:01.000 Something like that?

01:53:02.000 It's so crazy how you see it with your kids.

01:53:05.000 You see it with your kids.

01:53:07.000 I took my kid to science camp.

01:53:09.000 And when I came from Cuba, I had a lot of problems medically here when I came to this country.

01:53:15.000 And one of them was the allergies.

01:53:17.000 The allergies were completely different.

01:53:19.000 It's different than when I was used in a different country.

01:53:21.000 They're fucking mind boggling.

01:53:23.000 So my allergy, if you ever hear me make that noise, you ever hear me do that?

01:53:27.000 That's because I can't scratch the back of my throat like normal people.

01:53:32.000 You know how normal people do that noise?

01:53:35.000 So you're all sealed up up there.

01:53:37.000 Yeah.

01:53:37.000 The first week of camp, I saw my daughter do shit, and I felt so bad for her.

01:53:42.000 She would try to scratch her nose, and I would see her get frustrated, Joe Rogan, just scratching and scratching and scratching, and now it's gone.

01:53:53.000 Three weeks into summer camp.

01:53:54.000 She don't scratch no more.

01:53:55.000 How come?

01:53:56.000 Because you build up your fucking immune system.

01:53:59.000 Oh.

01:54:00.000 It's so weird how you see it in front of you now.

01:54:03.000 You see it.

01:54:04.000 I see it.

01:54:04.000 I saw it in front of me.

01:54:05.000 Like, I went right to my wife and I go, let me tell you something.

01:54:08.000 You better take it to the fucking doctor and get her fucking tonsils out because that's the shit that started with me at that age. 1.00

01:54:14.000 When I came from Cuba, right away, I was in the hospital on a weekly level, dog.

01:54:18.000 Weekly.

01:54:19.000 Between the tonsils and the fucking allergies and the asthma.

01:54:23.000 And the asthma.

01:54:25.000 But my mother didn't pay attention to the asthma. 0.99

01:54:27.000 That's why I don't have it today.

01:54:29.000 Like, I might have bits and pieces of it, but I don't have it.

01:54:32.000 Mercy's got it. 0.91

01:54:34.000 My daughter's got it.

01:54:36.000 They gotta do the fucking inhaler and the whole thing.

01:54:39.000 Asthma's fucking rough.

01:54:40.000 It's rough.

01:54:41.000 That's rough.

01:54:42.000 I've seen people have asthma attacks, and you can hear the wheezing.

01:54:45.000 You have no fucking idea, so I have to work it from a different angle.

01:54:49.000 What can they do?

01:54:50.000 Like, if someone doesn't have an inhaler, and they have an asthma attack, is there a strategy or a technique?

01:54:56.000 My friends.

01:54:58.000 Oh no.

01:55:00.000 From an asthma attack?

01:55:01.000 Yeah.

01:55:03.000 Like us having a party right now.

01:55:05.000 Eating, having a great time, and I got an asthma attack.

01:55:09.000 And the inhaler opens up your lungs, lets them breathe, is that how it works?

01:55:14.000 My wife has the machine. 1.00

01:55:16.000 What's the machine?

01:55:17.000 We have a machine that blows some powder in it with a thing, and then there's a regular machine that my wife has, and then she has the inhaler. 1.00

01:55:26.000 My wife and her and the doctor have been working on different things.

01:55:30.000 She's healthy.

01:55:31.000 The kid's healthy as fuck.

01:55:32.000 She runs, she swims, jiu-jitsu, this, that, ballet.

01:55:36.000 It's four days a week we don't stop at that fucking house. 0.98

01:55:39.000 You see it.

01:55:41.000 Yeah.

01:55:42.000 You know, people, I love these people.

01:55:43.000 They think, oh, let's meet at 3.30.

01:55:46.000 You tell your mother to meet at 3.30.

01:55:48.000 3.30 is when my day really starts.

01:55:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:55:51.000 I'm writing jokes at 8, not because I want to, because that's what I got.

01:55:54.000 Yeah.

01:55:55.000 That's what I got.

01:55:56.000 That's what I got.

01:55:57.000 Because then I got this, that, this, that, and at 3 o'clock from Monday to fucking Friday, there's a different activity.

01:56:04.000 Sometimes you do three at a time, bro.

01:56:06.000 We go right from jujitsu right to the pool when she jumps in.

01:56:10.000 You think we could do an hour of jiu-jitsu and then go to a pool and swim for 45 minutes?

01:56:14.000 Fuck you, Jack.

01:56:16.000 Yeah.

01:56:16.000 You gotta see it.

01:56:17.000 It's unbelievable.

01:56:18.000 People are like, nah, let's meet.

01:56:20.000 Fuck you! 0.99

01:56:21.000 I got ballet.

01:56:23.000 I got a thousand fucking activities during the week.

01:56:26.000 Kids are a little energy.

01:56:27.000 And if you don't burn that energy, then you deal with it from 7 to 9 when you're fucking trying to do your own shit and trying to get it together.

01:56:35.000 They're just constantly ready to go.

01:56:37.000 They're ready to go.

01:56:38.000 A couple weeks ago, she took her to the fucking zoo. 0.99

01:56:41.000 Six-hour walk around L.A. Zoo.

01:56:43.000 I get home at 4. She's like, what's the story?

01:56:45.000 We're going to the park?

01:56:46.000 I looked at my wife, like, parked.

01:56:48.000 Took her to the park.

01:56:49.000 Two hours on the monkey bars.

01:56:50.000 And then another hour at the fucking yogurt place, jumping up and down to music and Michael Jackson and fucking drawing fucking pictures.

01:57:01.000 Really, it's crazy being a fucking dad.

01:57:03.000 Especially because they don't know I kidnapped somebody.

01:57:05.000 She has no idea.

01:57:07.000 She has no idea I'm a savage.

01:57:09.000 So she thinks I'm on the up and up.

01:57:11.000 Like when we go to church and shit, she's like, Daddy, look at Jesus.

01:57:14.000 Yeah.

01:57:15.000 Well, nothing turns people more on the up and up than being a father.

01:57:19.000 It really does.

01:57:20.000 Yeah, it changes who you are.

01:57:22.000 You're responsible for these people now.

01:57:24.000 And you just...

01:57:25.000 You have to think of things differently.

01:57:26.000 You have to make sure that you provide.

01:57:28.000 You have to make sure that they're taken care of.

01:57:30.000 You've got to give them love.

01:57:31.000 It's like...

01:57:32.000 It's an intense world.

01:57:34.000 And you feel more vulnerable.

01:57:36.000 And it's just...

01:57:36.000 The whole...

01:57:37.000 The world around you opens up.

01:57:40.000 And you also have more empathy.

01:57:42.000 I have way more empathy for people.

01:57:44.000 Because I'm becoming...

01:57:47.000 You know, as you're...

01:57:49.000 Raising children you're seeing how they develop and then you're considering how other people Have been mistreated and how things have gone terribly wrong They've been abused and beaten and fucked up and then left in terrible situations and you realize that so much of what Happens with people with even terrible behavior comes from other terrible behavior like they didn't get a chance to stop the cycle And there are a

01:58:19.000 lot of people that we consider really bad people, violent people, people that do terrible things.

01:58:25.000 We don't even realize that so many of them are a product of violence.

01:58:30.000 They're a product of someone doing it to them.

01:58:33.000 They're trying to get back at the world for all the horrible shit that's been done to them.

01:58:38.000 And there was no one there to put a stop to it.

01:58:40.000 There was no one there to save them.

01:58:41.000 There was no one there to protect them.

01:58:44.000 And this is what we're seeing when we see fucked up people. 0.84

01:58:47.000 We always just think of it as fucked up people. 0.61

01:58:50.000 But that fucked up person is the product of some terrible things that have happened to them almost universally. 0.58

01:58:56.000 Almost every angry, fucked up person has come from a place where something has gone really wrong against them. 0.82

01:59:02.000 You're not angry and fucked up if everything's awesome.

01:59:05.000 If every day you're just getting ice cream, getting your dick sucked, and driving a Ferrari, and watching awesome movies.

01:59:10.000 Like, you know...

01:59:13.000 There's an anger that some people have, violent criminals in particular, that comes from someone doing that to them.

01:59:22.000 I had that anger, Joe.

01:59:24.000 I know you did.

01:59:25.000 I had that anger from 1979. You had that shit when I met you.

01:59:31.000 I had that anger, but no.

01:59:33.000 You had that when I met you.

01:59:34.000 I've seen it with people.

01:59:35.000 Well, let me explain some to you.

01:59:37.000 Where you wanted to attack people.

01:59:38.000 The anger was very...

01:59:42.000 All right, first of all, I was always a happy kid, but not really, because I was always confused about the death of my father.

01:59:50.000 So I always had a little certain unhappiness.

01:59:53.000 But I always had the Catholic faith.

01:59:56.000 I was really raised Catholic, and I always believed he was in heaven, and he was in that box when my mom did the things.

02:00:03.000 So that eased the pain a little bit.

02:00:05.000 Then my mother's death was just fucking horrifying.

02:00:09.000 And that broke the central nervous system, belief system.

02:00:14.000 That broke your belief in the world.

02:00:17.000 How can there be a God that takes a mother away from a child?

02:00:22.000 When you're 16 and you wrap that around your head, there's not a good result.

02:00:27.000 It's not going to be a good result.

02:00:29.000 So how I lashed out was by robbing you.

02:00:32.000 That was the only weapon I had in the world, was to rob you.

02:00:36.000 Joe Rogan fucked with me.

02:00:38.000 This studio would get robbed and lit on fucking fire.

02:00:40.000 And Joe knew it was me.

02:00:41.000 And what the fuck was he going to do?

02:00:43.000 I'm with Carmine.

02:00:44.000 What the fuck are you going to do?

02:00:46.000 Call the cops.

02:00:47.000 It's Carmen who's going to answer the phone.

02:00:49.000 Next time, don't fuck with me.

02:00:51.000 You'll know next time not to fuck with me.

02:00:53.000 When I tell you to give me that gram of coke and I'll pay you on Friday, you'll fucking give it to me, alright?

02:00:58.000 Because that's what it was.

02:00:59.000 It was simple shit like that.

02:01:01.000 Like, Joe, give me a hundred bucks.

02:01:02.000 I'm broke.

02:01:02.000 Joey, I don't have a hundred bucks.

02:01:04.000 Okay.

02:01:05.000 Now I'll rob your fucking house. 0.94

02:01:06.000 You should have given me a hundred bucks.

02:01:08.000 You know, I was lashing out at the fucking world.

02:01:10.000 Right.

02:01:11.000 Number two, the other issue I had is I lost a child.

02:01:15.000 I lost a child.

02:01:16.000 I was not ready for that child at all.

02:01:19.000 I loved that little girl with all my heart, but I was not ready for her at all.

02:01:23.000 My intentions were good, but the result was not going to be well.

02:01:27.000 I was not ready.

02:01:29.000 And because I lost that child, and I'm in no contact with that child, it makes me the better father that I am today.

02:01:36.000 This is never going to happen to me again.

02:01:38.000 Do you understand me?

02:01:40.000 Yeah.

02:01:40.000 I see...

02:01:41.000 I see the...

02:01:43.000 We see daughters of comics.

02:01:46.000 We've seen daughters of comics and sons of comics.

02:01:50.000 And they're fucking lost.

02:01:52.000 You know?

02:01:53.000 I don't want my daughter to be fucking lost.

02:01:57.000 In that stupidity and in that world.

02:02:00.000 You have to be there, Joe.

02:02:02.000 We have to be there.

02:02:03.000 Yeah, you have to be there.

02:02:04.000 I'm trying to be there as much as I can.

02:02:07.000 You have to be engaged.

02:02:09.000 You have to be engaged.

02:02:10.000 Will your parents engage as much as you're engaged?

02:02:12.000 Not mine.

02:02:13.000 But I didn't want them around.

02:02:15.000 It was a different world.

02:02:15.000 Yes.

02:02:15.000 It was a different world.

02:02:16.000 But my parents were very open-minded.

02:02:18.000 What my parents gave to me that was really important was they're like the most non-judgmental, non-racist, non-homophobic people ever.

02:02:28.000 They don't judge about anything.

02:02:30.000 They were hippies.

02:02:31.000 You know, when my mom met my stepdad, he had crazy long hair and he had it like all till I was like almost in high school is when he cut it.

02:02:40.000 I was so happy when he cut it.

02:02:42.000 I was like, ugh.

02:02:45.000 Back then, dudes grew their hair long.

02:02:47.000 They were hippies, like legit hippies.

02:02:49.000 But because of that, I was raised around no racism, no homophobic.

02:02:56.000 We had no homophobic thoughts in our house.

02:02:59.000 That never came up.

02:03:00.000 We lived in San Francisco from the time I was seven till I was 11. We lived all in a serious gait.

02:03:07.000 The one thing that did disturb me though once, I was walking with my stepdad and some dude whistled at him.

02:03:12.000 Some dude was like...

02:03:14.000 I knew the dudes were gay, but there's a thing about when a dude is hitting on your straight stepdad and you're like, oh my goodness, this is ridiculous.

02:03:26.000 Like, guys are gross.

02:03:29.000 It makes you realize...

02:03:31.000 Doesn't even really make you realize what it would like to be a chick in that same exact experience.

02:03:35.000 See, I grew up completely different.

02:03:38.000 Not in my home.

02:03:40.000 Not in my home, but the surroundings.

02:03:44.000 You know, when I would walk down the corner, Mr. Otina would go, Spickaroo, where you going tonight?

02:03:49.000 Spickaroo?

02:03:50.000 Jesus Christ.

02:03:51.000 There was a kid that I still talk to on Facebook.

02:03:54.000 His name was Luis Hernandez.

02:03:56.000 He's Dominican.

02:03:58.000 Joe, he's Dominican.

02:04:00.000 He's Dominican.

02:04:01.000 They didn't give a fuck.

02:04:02.000 They called him Louie the nigga.

02:04:04.000 Constantly, Louie the nigga. 0.85

02:04:06.000 Guys, he's Dominican.

02:04:07.000 Do you think they gave a fuck?

02:04:08.000 They didn't give a fuck.

02:04:09.000 They didn't give a fuck.

02:04:10.000 That's so funny.

02:04:11.000 You know, they didn't give a fuck.

02:04:13.000 People were just different then.

02:04:15.000 It's a different world we're talking about, right?

02:04:17.000 I remember there was a kid that is today gay.

02:04:20.000 I still talk to him.

02:04:21.000 He's my brother.

02:04:22.000 As a matter of fact, he's one of my brothers.

02:04:24.000 I gotta be honest with you.

02:04:26.000 He lives in Miami, he's got HIV. I mean, listen, if you didn't know he was gay when he was 12, there's something wrong with you.

02:04:33.000 But Mr. Altino used to call him, he was lighting the slippers.

02:04:37.000 You know, look at Jimmy, he's lighting the slippers.

02:04:40.000 You know, and you had to sit there and take it.

02:04:43.000 It was...

02:04:46.000 Whatever.

02:04:46.000 It should be okay for little Jimmy Light in the slippers.

02:04:49.000 Everybody should just let him be.

02:04:50.000 I let him be.

02:04:51.000 He was my best friend.

02:04:52.000 He had a dog named Tramp.

02:04:53.000 That was the dirtiest dog ever.

02:04:55.000 Like, he lived outside.

02:04:57.000 Tramp's skin, like when you pet the fucking thing, was the hardest. 1.00

02:05:00.000 It was like with those brushes.

02:05:02.000 You scrubbed like a metal brush.

02:05:04.000 Like, he lived outside, Tramp.

02:05:06.000 But he followed him everywhere.

02:05:07.000 He was beautiful.

02:05:08.000 I love Tramp. 1.00

02:05:10.000 Dogs.

02:05:11.000 No, you're very lucky because I... They're the best.

02:05:15.000 They're the best pets.

02:05:16.000 You know, I grew up in an environment.

02:05:17.000 I'm standing with you and my man here.

02:05:19.000 We're on a corner.

02:05:20.000 We see a transgender person crossing the street.

02:05:23.000 You're like, look at the shape of this fucking guy.

02:05:25.000 As simple as that is, that's a judgment.

02:05:29.000 That's a judgment.

02:05:30.000 But it was more of a sense of humor.

02:05:32.000 Before we were looking at a picture of Archie Bunker, America understood it because they knew where he was coming from.

02:05:41.000 He wasn't saying nothing malicious.

02:05:43.000 It was a world where he came from.

02:05:46.000 Right.

02:05:46.000 And the idea was that he was...

02:05:49.000 Reluctantly open to occasionally take in new information and learn from a show.

02:05:52.000 What's going on in America today?

02:05:54.000 Every guy's sitting at home fucking looking out a window peeking, waiting to fucking get me toed. 0.54

02:06:00.000 There's a thousand men at home waiting right now to get me fucking toed.

02:06:03.000 Every day a new guy gets fucking called out for something like that.

02:06:07.000 What's this going to be like in five years?

02:06:09.000 Nobody's going to be able to even ask for a fucking piece.

02:06:12.000 Right or wrong?

02:06:13.000 Nobody's going to go, hey, let me give you a little stab.

02:06:15.000 Let me give you a little buckaloosh. 1.00

02:06:16.000 I think...

02:06:18.000 There's going to come a time, and I don't think it's going to be very long, within 10 years, where we're going to be able to read each other's minds.

02:06:27.000 I think we're going to be able to communicate in a different way.

02:06:30.000 And I think it's just going to be step one into some sort of a technological world where we all read each other's minds.

02:06:38.000 We can connect together in some almost like telepathic web way.

02:06:43.000 This is obviously just an idea.

02:06:46.000 But I think that if technology continues to give us closer and closer access to people, we're going to lose all boundaries between what a person is.

02:06:56.000 And you're going to know everything about everyone's past.

02:06:58.000 And everyone's going to know everything about yours.

02:07:00.000 And it's going to be like some unlimited library of the mind.

02:07:03.000 You can travel through anyone's mind and read anyone's thoughts.

02:07:07.000 And as a hundred years goes by and the technology gets better and a thousand years go by, we're going to integrate.

02:07:13.000 We're going to figure out a way, whether it's in our grandchildren's lifetimes or their grandchildren's lifetimes.

02:07:18.000 And I think that cultural shifts and things that are happening in the news and people waking up to things that they think are horrible and people trying to correct the misdeeds of the past, all of that is us waking up in the middle of our culture and trying to...

02:07:37.000 Figure out what's right.

02:07:38.000 Figure out what's the healthy way to move forward.

02:07:41.000 Balance this thing out.

02:07:43.000 Slow down.

02:07:44.000 What are we doing?

02:07:45.000 We're waking up as grown adults trying to figure out our system.

02:07:48.000 And there's some injustices.

02:07:50.000 Those injustices have to be corrected, or at least recognized.

02:07:53.000 We have to understand what's the difference between normal male-female interaction and what's sexual harassment. 0.99

02:08:02.000 When is it when someone doesn't want you to do it?

02:08:04.000 When does it become a crime?

02:08:06.000 You don't want your daughter to ever experience that, and I don't want anybody that's a woman to experience real sexual harassment.

02:08:13.000 It's the worst fucking thing that could probably ever happen to you because you can't do anything physically about it.

02:08:17.000 Other than rape or being beaten up or murdered, it's a creepy place to be in.

02:08:22.000 I've had guys hit on me before.

02:08:24.000 Have you ever had a guy hit on you before?

02:08:25.000 Were you like, hey, where is this going?

02:08:27.000 I was like 13. I grabbed my dick.

02:08:30.000 I didn't know what to do.

02:08:30.000 I ran out of the car, but it was my fault for getting in the fucking car.

02:08:34.000 I also acknowledged it, and it never fucking happened again.

02:08:38.000 And I would go to gay theaters when I was a kid.

02:08:40.000 We thought it was a joke to go to a fucking porn show.

02:08:43.000 Yeah.

02:09:02.000 That this fucking place here has always been a fucking haven for sexual harassment.

02:09:06.000 This fucking neighborhood down the corner here in Hollywood is where sexual harassment got invented. 0.99

02:09:12.000 Did you ever see all the stuff about Fatty Arbuckle?

02:09:16.000 I heard pieces about Fatty, but I don't need to know about Fatty.

02:09:19.000 I know about a chick named Marilyn Monroe that they passed around until they killed her. 1.00

02:09:23.000 I know about a guy named Liberace who used to suck your dick and fucking clean you out and then send you out into the fucking cold.

02:09:30.000 And worse, he would make you get plastic surgery so you looked like him.

02:09:33.000 Like you look like him. 0.60

02:09:35.000 That is one of the most intense things a person's ever made a person do.

02:09:39.000 And let me tell you something.

02:09:40.000 And let me tell you something else, too.

02:09:43.000 That's why we're fucking the elephants in the room. 0.99

02:09:45.000 The fucking where we hang out was known for a comedy fucking hell of den of sucking dick, too, for a lot of years at the comedy store.

02:09:53.000 A lot of dick sucking went down at the fucking comedy store.

02:09:55.000 I don't know how long Harvey Weinstein's been around, but there's a song by the Eagles in 1980 that was released on the fucking long run, their last album, and it's called The King of Hollywood.

02:10:05.000 On the way home, put it on, listen to it in the car.

02:10:08.000 You're gonna crash your car.

02:10:11.000 Called the king of fucking Hollywood.

02:10:12.000 And you're going to go, who the fuck were they talking about?

02:10:17.000 I mean, it just breaks it down.

02:10:19.000 It would be a shame to see all that talent go to waste.

02:10:24.000 You know, what are you willing to sacrifice?

02:10:27.000 Wouldn't it really be just nice?

02:10:30.000 Oh, you got to look at this shit.

02:10:32.000 Come sit down here beside me, honey.

02:10:34.000 Let's have a little heart to heart.

02:10:37.000 That's the fucking lyrics to this song.

02:10:39.000 Whoa.

02:10:40.000 King of Hollywood, 1980. Nobody knew.

02:10:43.000 Now look at me and tell me, darling, how badly do you want this part?

02:10:48.000 Yeah, listen, you put men in positions of power and hiring women like that and that crazy position of when you're trying to cast something and you've got a hundred people that want it so bad and you're You know, you're some creepy dude.

02:11:02.000 Some people actually think that this would change their life.

02:11:06.000 If I came to you right now and said, Joe Rogan, you're fucking delivering papers in Boston.

02:11:13.000 You're going to have two shows.

02:11:14.000 You're going to have a podcast.

02:11:15.000 All you're going to do is lick my fucking balls. 1.00

02:11:17.000 One time.

02:11:18.000 Just swallow them deep.

02:11:20.000 But I want you to do that thing at the end.

02:11:24.000 Like dice?

02:11:25.000 Yeah, like dice.

02:11:28.000 Would you do it?

02:11:30.000 How much do I get and how long do I have to suck them for?

02:11:35.000 Because it's going to be over pretty quick.

02:11:37.000 This is a fucking career changer.

02:11:40.000 Clark Gable may just do that, right?

02:11:42.000 That's who they're talking about.

02:11:44.000 Oh, the King of Hollywood.

02:11:45.000 Was Clark Gable a...

02:11:48.000 Was he a gay man?

02:11:49.000 It was based off of a book, apparently.

02:11:52.000 All the stuff that was in there.

02:11:55.000 But was he alleged to be a gay man?

02:11:58.000 No, this is about straight time.

02:12:00.000 But there was also a book released in Hollywood in 1997 or 8 called You'll Never Work in This Town Again.

02:12:07.000 Oh, so those lyrics were about Clark Gable.

02:12:09.000 Yeah.

02:12:09.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:12:10.000 I thought it was something else.

02:12:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:12:12.000 But then there was a book released in 1997 or 8 in this Hollywood called You'll Never Work in This Town Again.

02:12:18.000 And it was about a chick who described all her sexual relationships with a bunch of people in town.

02:12:24.000 And she described fucking Don Henley, the drummer from the Eagles, the guy that sings.

02:12:30.000 And he would get hookers to come up to the house. 1.00

02:12:33.000 Wouldn't even talk to them.

02:12:35.000 Line them up.

02:12:37.000 Turn around.

02:12:38.000 Don't even look at me.

02:12:39.000 Don't even make fucking eye contact with me.

02:12:42.000 Do you understand me?

02:12:44.000 Bend over.

02:12:45.000 So he would sit on the couch.

02:12:49.000 With a robot with his dick out.

02:12:52.000 Snorting coke.

02:12:53.000 And they would all be in front of a fireplace bent over.

02:12:56.000 Where'd you hear this?

02:12:57.000 This is in his book.

02:12:58.000 Wow.

02:12:58.000 You'll never work in this town again.

02:13:01.000 Jesus Christ.

02:13:03.000 And he would fuck it.

02:13:04.000 He'd never eat lunch in this town again.

02:13:06.000 Oh, you'd never eat lunch in this town.

02:13:06.000 And he would take the thing, do a line of coke, get up, and walk up to one of them.

02:13:14.000 Spread them.

02:13:15.000 Putting them in their ass a little bit or their pussy. 1.00

02:13:17.000 Pump it twice and then go, I'll be back in five minutes.

02:13:20.000 And then he would go sit down, put his feet up, do another line.

02:13:24.000 And he would do that for eight hours.

02:13:27.000 Just get up, fuck one for five minutes and sit back down before he'd come. 0.88

02:13:30.000 So he would never crack a nut.

02:13:32.000 And he would just keep snorting to keep a heart on a lot.

02:13:36.000 So who the fuck knows?

02:13:38.000 Listen, you know, it's like they all threw Harvey under the bus, but these animals have been doing this since Jesus loves Chicago.

02:13:46.000 Since Jesus loves Chicago.

02:13:48.000 Listen, when I read that article about the Cuban Superman that Brando was sleeping with, what they blatantly talked about in that article was exactly what we're seeing today only behind closed doors.

02:14:01.000 That Cuba had become a haven for sex. 0.93

02:14:05.000 Where you could go see a fucking goat get fucked. 1.00

02:14:07.000 I mean, didn't they pass a rule this week in Mexico that a girl could get fucked if she's 12 years old? 1.00

02:14:13.000 You really need that rule?

02:14:14.000 Really?

02:14:14.000 That's the rule you need in this society.

02:14:16.000 Is that really what just got passed?

02:14:17.000 Something!

02:14:18.000 That you could be...

02:14:18.000 12 years old is the act of...

02:14:21.000 And this is in Mexico?

02:14:22.000 In Mexico.

02:14:22.000 It's the age of something.

02:14:24.000 Can you look that up, Jamie?

02:14:25.000 12 fucking years old. 0.97

02:14:27.000 Why is a woman 12 years old? 1.00

02:14:30.000 That's insane.

02:14:31.000 That's insane.

02:14:32.000 Scary.

02:14:35.000 It is real?

02:14:35.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:14:36.000 Can you fucking believe that?

02:14:38.000 Oh my God, look at this.

02:14:39.000 The federal law establishes at the age of 12 as the minimum age of consent, while the age at which there are no restrictions for consensual sexual activities is 18. Sex with someone 12 to 18 is not illegal per se, but can still be opened to prosecution under certain circumstances.

02:14:55.000 You believe this shit?

02:14:56.000 What does that mean?

02:14:57.000 So it's...

02:14:57.000 it's...

02:14:59.000 Age 12 is the age of minimum age of consent, but the age in which there are no restrictions for consensual sex is 18. So the idea is that sex between someone who's 12 and 18, it's not illegal, but they might be able to lock you up if you do something super creepy.

02:15:17.000 That is nuts, man.

02:15:18.000 You imagine if there was some person that just only went after 12 years old?

02:15:24.000 Now where is that?

02:15:24.000 That's in the United States or Mexico?

02:15:28.000 It's Mexico.

02:15:28.000 So that's why people would fly down there?

02:15:30.000 Actually, I typed in Mexico, but this is an article on Wikipedia about age and consent in North America.

02:15:35.000 What?

02:15:36.000 And then it says federal law, so I'll find out.

02:15:37.000 Wait a minute.

02:15:38.000 What I just read was about North America?

02:15:40.000 How is that real?

02:15:41.000 I just saw North America, too, and that's why I asked them.

02:15:44.000 I'm sorry, not North America.

02:15:46.000 United States of America, right?

02:15:47.000 North America is Canada, too.

02:15:49.000 That is a not possible thing.

02:15:52.000 Is that really possible?

02:15:54.000 That 12 could be the age of consent anywhere?

02:15:57.000 What are you talking about?

02:15:58.000 That's crazy.

02:15:59.000 It's 18, right?

02:16:00.000 That's the federal law of Mexico.

02:16:01.000 Mexico.

02:16:02.000 Yeah.

02:16:02.000 You scared the shit out of me, Jamie.

02:16:04.000 No, the article was...

02:16:05.000 A kid fucking here in America? 0.94

02:16:06.000 No, yeah.

02:16:07.000 Yes.

02:16:07.000 The article was about North America.

02:16:09.000 Age of consent in North America. 0.57

02:16:11.000 And there is states here where it's lower than 18. What?

02:16:16.000 Yeah.

02:16:17.000 Like, there's a couple.

02:16:18.000 I believe it's 14. Dude, is that real?

02:16:21.000 It might have changed it recently.

02:16:22.000 Okay, so 12 are the ones...

02:16:24.000 Texas is 17. The 12 are the ones that were in white.

02:16:28.000 Which is, that's in Mexico, right?

02:16:30.000 Yeah, down here, yeah.

02:16:31.000 Okay, there are spots, and all the way up the coast, right?

02:16:35.000 Yeah, but that's still Mexico down here. 0.79

02:16:36.000 Yeah, that side, but that whole thing is 12 years old, is the age of consent?

02:16:41.000 The blue is all 16. Whew, that's a lot of states at 16. Yeah.

02:16:46.000 That's kind of crazy.

02:16:49.000 A lot of fucking U.S. states at 16. That's crazy.

02:16:54.000 Excuse me?

02:16:56.000 What does it say?

02:16:57.000 Central America.

02:16:58.000 Oh, 14 to 18 in Central America.

02:17:01.000 Interesting.

02:17:02.000 That age of consent thing is bananas.

02:17:04.000 Go back to that little map again, please.

02:17:07.000 That is weird to look at.

02:17:09.000 I would have thought there would be way less of those.

02:17:12.000 16. Look how many 16s there are.

02:17:15.000 And what are the darker ones?

02:17:16.000 Can you scroll all the way down so we can see the whole scale?

02:17:18.000 So 17 is that.

02:17:21.000 And then, wow.

02:17:22.000 Texas is 17. Green is 18. So it's only like Florida, California.

02:17:27.000 There's less greens and there are blues.

02:17:29.000 More the age of consent is 16. Is this current?

02:17:34.000 Is that possible this is not current?

02:17:38.000 It seems nuts.

02:17:40.000 Alaska 16 too?

02:17:42.000 Hmm.

02:17:43.000 I assumed it was all 18. I thought Florida was like eight.

02:17:50.000 You know, Florida could be like seven, six and a half.

02:17:54.000 You never know how fucking that crazy place.

02:17:56.000 That is a fucking crazy place.

02:17:59.000 That's where white people go to boogie. 1.00

02:18:03.000 It's an interesting place.

02:18:04.000 Didn't they have pain?

02:18:04.000 I just found out about it.

02:18:07.000 There was a time you'd go down and just buy pills over the fucking counter or something.

02:18:11.000 Go pain doctors, pain medication.

02:18:13.000 Yeah.

02:18:13.000 Like, I just read this shit recently that that law got abolished or something.

02:18:17.000 That's why so many people left Florida.

02:18:19.000 There were people moving to Florida in droves just for those pain doctors in droves.

02:18:24.000 I didn't know about this shit.

02:18:25.000 Yeah.

02:18:26.000 Well, there's a great documentary that we've talked about many times called the OxyContin Express and they sort of documented that whole route from Ohio and Kentucky and all the way down through Georgia, all the people that would go into Florida just to get pain pills.

02:18:43.000 All you had to do is just get into Florida and you get a doctor and say you hurt your back and they would have a pharmacy right next to the doctor's office and all the pharmacy had is pain pills.

02:18:52.000 So you go there, you tell the doctor you're hurt, the doctor says, great, here, here's some fucking serious, hardcore drugs that can kill you.

02:18:59.000 Don't take more of these, you'll die.

02:19:01.000 They're super powerful opiates, but since I wrote it on this piece of paper, you can go buy it.

02:19:06.000 So you go next door, and you're buying...

02:19:09.000 You're buying the hardest of hardcore.

02:19:11.000 You're buying hillbilly heroin.

02:19:14.000 You're buying OxyContin.

02:19:15.000 You're going deep.

02:19:17.000 Now, I've never done that shit.

02:19:18.000 I did morphine when I got my knee operated on.

02:19:20.000 They gave me that little pump thing, and you could press it and press it and press it, and you wanted to get more morphine.

02:19:25.000 I have no idea what Oxycontin feels like, but that morphine felt wonderful.

02:19:30.000 Oxycontin did not feel good.

02:19:31.000 What does it feel like?

02:19:32.000 I ate it one time, and that was good enough for me.

02:19:35.000 Some people must like it, though, right?

02:19:37.000 Tiny, tiny.

02:19:38.000 Everybody likes different shit, you know?

02:19:40.000 I like blow, but I don't like meth.

02:19:42.000 What did Oxy do for you?

02:19:46.000 Why is it not good?

02:19:47.000 I took a little tiny piece.

02:19:49.000 I'm always a fan of something that might put me to sleep.

02:19:54.000 If you feel like this could put you to sleep, you know what, I'll give it a fucking shot.

02:19:58.000 I like sleeping.

02:20:00.000 You would try to go to sleep on OxyContin?

02:20:02.000 Yeah, I didn't know.

02:20:03.000 He goes, you might pass out.

02:20:05.000 So he gave me a 16th.

02:20:07.000 There was nothing there.

02:20:08.000 There was nothing there.

02:20:09.000 I popped it, and I just felt like my blood pressure dropped.

02:20:14.000 Like I couldn't even do anything.

02:20:15.000 So I went to sleep, and I just knew never to take that shit again.

02:20:18.000 There's certain shit I've taken that I just knew that I was never going to.

02:20:23.000 That just wasn't going to work for me.

02:20:25.000 Damn.

02:20:26.000 You know, heroin has that effect, too, for a little while.

02:20:29.000 Like, it takes you somewhere.

02:20:31.000 And if you don't put the brakes on and shit, then you're gone on that thing.

02:20:35.000 I don't even know how to describe it.

02:20:37.000 But I don't like that feeling, you know?

02:20:39.000 The cocaine feeling you like in the beginning.

02:20:42.000 Then where it goes, you don't like it.

02:20:44.000 And then it gets worse and worse and worse.

02:20:46.000 But by that time, you're addicted to it.

02:20:48.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:20:49.000 Meth, I never understood that shit.

02:20:51.000 Wanted to be up for four days.

02:20:53.000 That just seems...

02:20:54.000 And you will be up for two fucking days. 0.91

02:20:56.000 Thinking you're tired.

02:20:58.000 Let me go lay down.

02:20:59.000 And all of a sudden you're like, I can't sleep.

02:21:00.000 I'm sweating.

02:21:01.000 All of a sudden I got a dose of sweat.

02:21:03.000 So pills, I've always had.

02:21:05.000 I like a little fucking sleeping pill or something.

02:21:08.000 But I can't because of this sleep apnea.

02:21:11.000 Yeah, they're too dangerous, right?

02:21:14.000 I could take the anxiety medication.

02:21:16.000 That'll help me sometimes.

02:21:17.000 I'll pop a few of those if I get stuck.

02:21:19.000 They're like acid pan, but they're like 1.5.

02:21:22.000 They don't do nothing to nobody.

02:21:24.000 0.5.

02:21:25.000 They don't do dick to dick. 1.00

02:21:26.000 You don't find that weed lets you go to sleep?

02:21:29.000 Weed at night don't do dick. 0.94

02:21:31.000 You ever see me at night smoking weed?

02:21:33.000 Not really.

02:21:34.000 Because the initial effect was in the daytime.

02:21:37.000 That's what you like?

02:21:38.000 I like that morning high.

02:21:39.000 Why do you like that morning high?

02:21:40.000 Oh, because that's the one that gets the whole...

02:21:43.000 That's the one that lets me email, text, tweet, ding, ding, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, all by 9 o'clock.

02:21:52.000 All by nine o'clock.

02:21:53.000 Get it out of the way.

02:21:54.000 Yeah.

02:21:55.000 So if I'm up at quarter to six, put the coffee on, open up the computer, feed the cats, I don't Pablo it.

02:22:04.000 See, there's people who Pablo it.

02:22:06.000 That's no bueno.

02:22:07.000 Escobar it?

02:22:08.000 Yeah.

02:22:08.000 What's that?

02:22:08.000 Pablo it.

02:22:09.000 Open your eyes in bed.

02:22:11.000 Roll over and take a joint and smoke it.

02:22:13.000 That's no bueno.

02:22:14.000 You gotta let your body wake up.

02:22:17.000 That's no bueno.

02:22:19.000 That's the quickest way.

02:22:20.000 What is that fucking thing you have?

02:22:21.000 Let me take a hit of that.

02:22:22.000 I love that little blunt.

02:22:24.000 That fucking Gino from Speedweed. 1.00

02:22:26.000 This is some of the best fucking...

02:22:28.000 Jamie picked this one up.

02:22:29.000 This is a different one.

02:22:30.000 Jamie, where did you pick this up?

02:22:32.000 Placed down the street.

02:22:33.000 What's it called?

02:22:34.000 Just a...

02:22:35.000 Well, I'll tell you what it's called.

02:22:36.000 Hollywood Blunts or something.

02:22:37.000 I don't know.

02:22:38.000 Hollywood Pre-Roll.

02:22:39.000 Yeah, Hollywood's Medicated Blunt.

02:22:43.000 Yeah, waking up and pulling the Pablo.

02:22:47.000 People are running with that medicated.

02:22:49.000 Yeah, it's medicine, man.

02:22:51.000 Okay.

02:22:52.000 But if you wake up and give your body some chance to...

02:22:55.000 Like, I remember smoking cigarettes in the morning.

02:22:58.000 You don't know what...

02:22:59.000 What damage is to your body until you wake up in the morning, take six steps, sit down and pull a cigarette out and light it.

02:23:10.000 There is no worse damage a human being can do to their body.

02:23:15.000 Forget heroin.

02:23:16.000 Forget eating a few avocados.

02:23:18.000 Forget eating a Burger King Whopper.

02:23:22.000 Get up at 6 in the morning, give yourself 3 minutes and light a cigarette.

02:23:27.000 Your body does not recover from that.

02:23:29.000 And you don't know how bad it is until you stop doing it.

02:23:33.000 That's damage.

02:23:35.000 So I look at it the same day way with reefer.

02:23:38.000 I let my body wake up a little bit.

02:23:39.000 Let it air.

02:23:40.000 Drink water.

02:23:41.000 Let the bodies heat.

02:23:43.000 Drink a glass of water with ice.

02:23:45.000 Let my body's heat wake up.

02:23:47.000 Get the stomach going.

02:23:48.000 Drink a little coffee.

02:23:50.000 And then bang out some reefer.

02:23:52.000 Oh lordy! 0.61

02:23:53.000 It's a different day.

02:23:55.000 And you like to work out in the morning too, right?

02:23:57.000 I'm 55. I can't come to your house at 8 o'clock at night.

02:24:00.000 But I can't come.

02:24:01.000 I'm not going to roll with you at 6 in the morning either.

02:24:04.000 Most heart attacks happen before lunchtime.

02:24:06.000 Do they?

02:24:06.000 Yeah.

02:24:06.000 How come?

02:24:07.000 I don't know.

02:24:07.000 I didn't write the book.

02:24:08.000 Check it out.

02:24:09.000 Most heart attacks happen before fucking 12 o'clock.

02:24:12.000 So you don't want Joey Dears in your sight control at 6 in the morning either.

02:24:19.000 I'm good at 9 to kickbox, 10 to kickbox, 11, 12 to jujitsu-wise.

02:24:25.000 Yeah, you gotta wake everything up.

02:24:27.000 That's the whole deal.

02:24:28.000 Heart attacks are more common in the morning, says Fox News.

02:24:31.000 Five to six times more likely to occur in the morning hours between 1 and 5 a.m.

02:24:37.000 And studies have shown that morning heart attacks tend to be more severe than those that happen later in the day.

02:24:42.000 Too long or too short of an interval can result in abnormal heart rhythms called arrhythmias.

02:24:48.000 As a matter of fact, I just stopped giving mama stabbing in the mornings.

02:24:52.000 You're worried about heart attacks?

02:24:53.000 Yeah, because that was my morning.

02:24:54.000 I love morning eating pussy in the morning. 1.00

02:24:55.000 Just wake them up.

02:24:57.000 Whoa.

02:24:57.000 What is all this?

02:24:59.000 When you kick mama with that leg in the morning, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:25:02.000 You ever give your little wife a tap in the morning and she pops her head up?

02:25:05.000 And they already know.

02:25:07.000 They get up, they pee, they dry the monkey good.

02:25:09.000 They come back naked.

02:25:11.000 You eat that fucking monkey.

02:25:13.000 And then you start giving them a stabbing like a soldier.

02:25:16.000 And that stabbing?

02:25:17.000 Dog, I would have to get up and start breathing heavy.

02:25:20.000 And then I thought about that fucking gangster that was going to testify that time in court.

02:25:25.000 And he bent over to tie his shoes and he had a heart attack.

02:25:28.000 And the guy ended up doing a fucking jail.

02:25:31.000 And we got to talk about that too in a second.

02:25:32.000 But we'll cover the heart attack.

02:25:34.000 I take a baby aspirin before I go...

02:25:38.000 I drink something from GNC to get me going a little bit in the mornings.

02:25:41.000 I still take my Onnit protein powder I live by, but I do take a supplement before I go to the gym and I do drink something while I'm at the gym to calm me down a little bit.

02:25:50.000 What do you drink?

02:25:51.000 Something from GNC. I like GNC. I don't know names.

02:25:55.000 You don't know names?

02:25:57.000 I don't know names.

02:25:58.000 I just know performance levels.

02:26:01.000 I always pop a shroom tech.

02:26:03.000 Again, I don't pop two shroom techs.

02:26:04.000 I pop one.

02:26:05.000 And I start it with a half a capsule.

02:26:08.000 Because I was finding my heart was beating too much.

02:26:11.000 You gotta watch the ticker.

02:26:12.000 Yeah, you gotta watch the ticker.

02:26:13.000 That's interesting.

02:26:14.000 You know, listen, God gives you a certain amount of ticks to your heart.

02:26:19.000 I did coke.

02:26:20.000 That fucked up the whole clock.

02:26:22.000 That fucked up the speedometer.

02:26:24.000 You got sand in your dials?

02:26:25.000 Yeah, I got sand in the dials.

02:26:26.000 I got fucked up the speedometer, so now I gotta strengthen it a little bit.

02:26:29.000 And that's what strengthens it.

02:26:31.000 But there's a lot of shit you could do without thinking, like a marathon or something.

02:26:36.000 I watch my fingers, no numbness.

02:26:39.000 I get a finger up my ass as much as I could from the doctor.

02:26:44.000 I overuse insurance dollars.

02:26:46.000 Like I'm going Friday for a blood test.

02:26:48.000 Why, Joey?

02:26:48.000 Because I'm in the mood.

02:26:50.000 You gotta switch out the blood every couple months.

02:26:53.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:26:53.000 You gotta switch it out.

02:26:54.000 Like Keith Richards, he's still alive because he switched it out.

02:26:56.000 Women don't die of heart attacks. 1.00

02:26:58.000 Why?

02:26:58.000 Because they bleed every month.

02:27:00.000 We're the only assholes that don't take the blood.

02:27:02.000 What's the matter with you today?

02:27:03.000 You're like a fucking murt. 0.99

02:27:04.000 I'm just here with you, buddy.

02:27:06.000 Okay.

02:27:07.000 Relax.

02:27:07.000 What are you saying?

02:27:08.000 I thought you were depressed.

02:27:08.000 You don't want to be here.

02:27:09.000 No, I'm enjoying your conversation.

02:27:11.000 You're just smoking so much weed, you're getting paranoid.

02:27:13.000 No, I love it.

02:27:15.000 You've been taking five hits off that thing.

02:27:17.000 You've just been sucking it down and getting deeper and deeper into the hole.

02:27:22.000 Like, what's the matter?

02:27:23.000 Like, nothing's the matter at all.

02:27:25.000 It's the fourth.

02:27:25.000 It's like, I suck.

02:27:26.000 Look at this shit.

02:27:27.000 I know it is.

02:27:27.000 Great to see you.

02:27:28.000 You look beautiful.

02:27:29.000 It's great to see you, too.

02:27:29.000 What's going on with you?

02:27:30.000 Normal shit, you know?

02:27:33.000 Doing a little stand-up.

02:27:34.000 You weren't at the store last night?

02:27:34.000 No.

02:27:35.000 I'm coming tonight.

02:27:36.000 You going down there tonight?

02:27:37.000 Yeah, I got a spot tonight.

02:27:39.000 I don't know if I'm going down there.

02:27:40.000 I've been taking a few days off after the Netflix thing.

02:27:42.000 Yeah?

02:27:43.000 Nice.

02:27:44.000 I wanted to fall in love again with it.

02:27:46.000 I wanted to, uh...

02:27:48.000 It's good to take time off things.

02:27:50.000 It's really weird how you live and you learn and you still fall for dumb shit.

02:27:55.000 You know, the only person I should listen to when it comes to comedy is you.

02:27:58.000 And I don't see you enough and I don't talk to you enough about it.

02:28:01.000 I gotta get on more planes with you.

02:28:04.000 Because when I tried, I watched the John Mulaney special and I fell in love with his joke writing and stuff like that.

02:28:09.000 He's a very funny guy.

02:28:10.000 Really nice guy too.

02:28:11.000 Really nice guy.

02:28:12.000 Fucking great fucking special, you know.

02:28:15.000 But every once in a while, I'm sorry I'm saying this word, I always think I get the white moment.

02:28:19.000 And I'm not a white comic.

02:28:21.000 The reason why you like me and the people like me is because you don't know what's going to come out of my mouth.

02:28:25.000 When I become a writer, that's when I'm not a comedian no more.

02:28:29.000 When I go home and start writing stupid fucking jokes and you laugh at them, I'm not Joey Diaz no more.

02:28:35.000 That's not what Joey Diaz is supposed to do, you know what I'm saying?

02:28:38.000 That's not what I'm supposed to do.

02:28:40.000 But this shit that's happened now scares the shit out of me.

02:28:43.000 So now I gotta go up there.

02:28:45.000 You paid 25 bucks to see me.

02:28:46.000 I gotta go up there and leave my soul up there.

02:28:49.000 I take that shit seriously now, but I'm starting to take it a little bit too seriously.

02:28:52.000 The shit you see now, in what way?

02:28:56.000 The people coming to the shows.

02:28:58.000 People coming to the shows to see you, and they want to see you do well.

02:29:03.000 So I go up there with this planned material that I work on hard, that I believe in, that's bullshit, because I'm a lot fanlier when I go up there and I just fucking yell and scream and go off the cuff and go crazy and my eyeballs turn red.

02:29:17.000 But no, I want to be John fucking Mulaney because he makes me fucking laugh and he's what in your mind the true comic is.

02:29:23.000 Yeah.

02:29:24.000 Everybody's got their own way of doing it.

02:29:25.000 No, and that's what I realized.

02:29:27.000 I'm going back to being a fucking lunatic.

02:29:29.000 I'm going back to Midnight Spots.

02:29:32.000 Next week, I'm going back to midnight spots.

02:29:34.000 I'm going back to Cali.

02:29:36.000 Cali.

02:29:37.000 Going back to Cali.

02:29:38.000 We're going back to those Paul Mooney spots.

02:29:41.000 I know they're late, but they're the only ones that keep you.

02:29:43.000 If you're going to play it, listen, for me to be in uniform is the only way I can do it.

02:29:48.000 That 10-15 following you, that ain't fun no more.

02:29:51.000 We gotta be back there late like we used to.

02:29:53.000 And go on four hours of sleep for two or three weeks.

02:29:56.000 Then you gotta walk me over and buy me a fucking Pink Dot sandwich like in the old days. 0.95

02:30:00.000 Why don't you like the 10-15 spots?

02:30:03.000 Because they put me in that position.

02:30:06.000 I'm sick of fucking being in that fucking John Mulaney position.

02:30:09.000 I'm not John Mulaney.

02:30:10.000 I'm a lunatic at midnight.

02:30:11.000 What do you mean they put you in?

02:30:12.000 You're there to see me because something's going to come out of my mouth that's going to be funny.

02:30:16.000 There's nothing funny coming out of my fucking mouth.

02:30:18.000 Listen, I love you, but this is crazy talk.

02:30:23.000 What you do is your way of doing it.

02:30:26.000 It's great at 10. It's great at 8. You could do a 3 in the afternoon show.

02:30:30.000 It would be amazing.

02:30:30.000 They stare at me at the store sometimes.

02:30:32.000 They stare at me in the original room.

02:30:34.000 I'm going back to midnights.

02:30:35.000 They don't.

02:30:36.000 I'm taking the Kennison spots again.

02:30:38.000 Three nights a week.

02:30:40.000 Because I can handle it.

02:30:41.000 That means I get home at 1, I'll stay up till 1.32.

02:30:44.000 You're going to do the late spots?

02:30:45.000 Yeah, you know why, man?

02:30:46.000 Why?

02:30:46.000 The reason why I do this early shit is because I'm trying to be normal.

02:30:50.000 I read that book, your podcast, like I said.

02:30:52.000 Okay, now I like this.

02:30:54.000 Hold on a second.

02:30:54.000 So you're going to close out the store and do like an hour-long set?

02:30:58.000 No, no.

02:30:59.000 15. 12 to 12, 15. Oh, okay.

02:31:02.000 I'm out of there.

02:31:02.000 So you're not going to do like the Don Barris situation?

02:31:04.000 No, no, no, no.

02:31:05.000 That's what I thought you were saying.

02:31:06.000 Listen, Joey does the least for the most.

02:31:09.000 Okay.

02:31:11.000 I'm just saying.

02:31:13.000 But you can if you're closing out the show, right?

02:31:15.000 You could go long.

02:31:16.000 I don't want to close out the show at one in the morning.

02:31:17.000 I don't want to be out.

02:31:18.000 I'm scared of going out at night.

02:31:19.000 So it's not...

02:31:20.000 I thought you were saying you wanted to do the Kinnison spot.

02:31:22.000 That's the Kinnison spot, right?

02:31:24.000 The midnight spot, what he would do.

02:31:25.000 That midnight spot.

02:31:26.000 Oh, I thought he was always the last guy up.

02:31:28.000 I didn't know.

02:31:29.000 I mean, that's what they always say about Brody when he does the Kinnison spot.

02:31:32.000 Oh, I don't know.

02:31:32.000 I thought it was the midnight spot.

02:31:34.000 Let's call it the Paul Mooney spot.

02:31:36.000 Okay.

02:31:36.000 Well, just you want to do a late night spot.

02:31:39.000 Yeah.

02:31:39.000 I think that I would do a lot better.

02:31:41.000 I don't have to go to other places.

02:31:43.000 More degenerates will be out for sure.

02:31:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:31:45.000 It's time for me to be out.

02:31:47.000 I'm a fucking degenerate, though.

02:31:49.000 I should say that.

02:31:49.000 Fellow degenerates.

02:31:51.000 Yeah, I'm a fucking degenerate.

02:31:53.000 Nobody's saying 1. Did I say 1?

02:31:55.000 I said 12. Stop fucking saying 1 in the morning.

02:31:58.000 12. 12 o'clock, you know you're getting up at 1, though.

02:32:00.000 Let's be realistic.

02:32:02.000 No, 1210. They're professionals at the store now.

02:32:05.000 They're pretty professional.

02:32:06.000 They're professionals.

02:32:07.000 There's no more fucking people coming in and bumping you.

02:32:09.000 Well, that still happens a little bit, but not too much.

02:32:12.000 It's not too much.

02:32:12.000 No one jumps on and does an hour and a half like the old days.

02:32:16.000 I miss that 12 o'clock thought of mind.

02:32:20.000 The thought process at 12 for me in the old days was, I swear to God, Joe, they've already heard everything.

02:32:28.000 If I think they really want to hear these dumb three jokes in my pocket, I got another thing coming.

02:32:36.000 And it taught me how to write really good.

02:32:40.000 What has changed recently?

02:32:42.000 Like one of the things a lot of people have been saying with especially the Me Too movement is that people are more cautious about saying controversial jokes now.

02:32:52.000 Do you feel that?

02:32:54.000 Do you feel like energy in the air being different?

02:32:58.000 Do you feel like people are more sensitive?

02:33:00.000 I know you won't get mad at me.

02:33:02.000 I feel the energy is different, but guess what, G? What?

02:33:05.000 It don't apply to me.

02:33:08.000 It don't apply to me.

02:33:10.000 It doesn't apply to me and it's never going to apply to me.

02:33:14.000 Okay?

02:33:14.000 I understand me shooting you special on your network.

02:33:17.000 You don't want me to use certain words.

02:33:19.000 There's parts, and I get that.

02:33:21.000 This is a business.

02:33:22.000 Right.

02:33:23.000 This is a business, and I got mouths to feed. 0.76

02:33:25.000 But when I'm at the Comedy Store, when I'm at the Improv, when I'm at the Laugh Factory, when I'm at Flappers, when I'm at the Ha Ha, when I'm at New York Gotham...

02:33:35.000 You gotta let it fly.

02:33:37.000 I'm going to let it fly.

02:33:38.000 You're going to let it fly.

02:33:39.000 Okay?

02:33:39.000 And I'm sorry.

02:33:40.000 No, no, no.

02:33:40.000 This is just so you know.

02:33:41.000 No!

02:33:42.000 You shouldn't be sorry.

02:33:42.000 You're not supposed to be sorry.

02:33:43.000 This is just so you know.

02:33:44.000 You know what I put on yesterday?

02:33:45.000 What did you put on yesterday?

02:33:45.000 Guess what I put on the studio yesterday.

02:33:47.000 What?

02:33:48.000 And this is it.

02:33:49.000 This is it because it's time.

02:33:51.000 What?

02:33:51.000 We're not taking it no more.

02:33:53.000 I'm not taking it no more.

02:33:54.000 I put on an album.

02:33:56.000 And again, I'm very sorry if I offend somebody.

02:33:58.000 I didn't name it this.

02:33:59.000 He did.

02:34:00.000 So take your fucking problem up with him. 0.98

02:34:02.000 Name of the album is Bicentennial Nigga by Richard Pryor.

02:34:07.000 I put it on.

02:34:07.000 I listened to it twice.

02:34:08.000 And I did an edible and cried.

02:34:12.000 I've got the periscope listening to Richard.

02:34:17.000 Okay?

02:34:18.000 I got it.

02:34:19.000 Okay?

02:34:20.000 And I've listened to Lenny Bruce live from Carnegie Hall in the last couple weeks.

02:34:25.000 I don't know when the last time you listened to that, because we can't, because of our...

02:34:29.000 Guys like you and I can't.

02:34:32.000 Definitely not Jamie, and definitely if you're under 30 you can't, because of the...

02:34:38.000 How slow it is.

02:34:39.000 Cultural references and how slow it is.

02:34:41.000 But it's a lesson.

02:34:43.000 I listen to that and I'm going home.

02:34:46.000 Guess what I'm listening to tonight?

02:34:47.000 What?

02:34:47.000 I'm staying in tonight to listen to the one when he meets, the wino meets Dracula.

02:34:52.000 Oh, yeah.

02:34:53.000 Is it something I said or the nigger's crazy? 1.00

02:34:56.000 Both of those albums are masterpieces.

02:34:58.000 And that's how he wanted us to do it.

02:35:02.000 That was how we have to do it.

02:35:04.000 He didn't give a fuck what the fuck was said.

02:35:08.000 If a company wants to pay you, HBO or CBS, and Joey, can we talk to you in the corner?

02:35:14.000 We can't have that joke because we got a complaint about that.

02:35:18.000 I'm an adult.

02:35:19.000 I can't sell.

02:35:20.000 You know, listen, Bill Hicks is dead and I don't feel too good myself.

02:35:23.000 Okay?

02:35:24.000 Alright, let's cut the fucking shit.

02:35:26.000 Okay?

02:35:27.000 We do this for profit at the end of the fucking day.

02:35:30.000 We're feeding our families.

02:35:32.000 Alright, so...

02:35:32.000 But there's also a way you do it.

02:35:34.000 And there's also a way I do it.

02:35:36.000 You're not going to compromise the way you do it for more profit.

02:35:37.000 You know, when I watched the Richard Pryor thing and I know he went to the Hollywood Bowl and they were doing the thing for gays and he went up there and went against the gays.

02:35:44.000 I got it.

02:35:45.000 Is it something I would do?

02:35:46.000 I don't know.

02:35:48.000 I don't know.

02:35:49.000 But it's who we're supposed to be in a way as a comedian.

02:35:54.000 We're supposed to be the social column of society in a way.

02:36:01.000 In some way.

02:36:01.000 So now you want to take that away from me?

02:36:04.000 You want to take the way I can't say, I grew up on the word retarded.

02:36:08.000 I grew up on the word faggot. 0.99

02:36:11.000 I grew up on the word, I grew up on a lot of words that people don't accept today.

02:36:15.000 And I'm very sorry That you don't accept them.

02:36:19.000 But it's too late for me to change my game right now.

02:36:23.000 Yeah, I'll try my hardest.

02:36:25.000 I try my hardest.

02:36:26.000 I'm still going to say tranny from time to time. 1.00

02:36:28.000 I know it offends.

02:36:30.000 But when you're a comic...

02:36:32.000 Listen, man, the first seven minutes of any news is about...

02:36:37.000 What's going on in the world?

02:36:38.000 The next ten minutes is bad.

02:36:40.000 I never talk about politics.

02:36:42.000 Well, to top it off, I'm a felon.

02:36:43.000 So I need to talk about politics.

02:36:45.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:36:46.000 There's just things.

02:36:47.000 I'm not going to talk about kicking an abortion child. 0.99

02:36:50.000 Remember for a long time, every comic was, you know, I'll kick an abortion. 0.95

02:36:55.000 That's not my style.

02:36:56.000 I'm up there to talk.

02:36:57.000 What are you talking about?

02:36:59.000 Yeah, yeah, you go to comedy shows and there's always that one comic that wants to be shocking.

02:37:05.000 I'm not here to be shocking.

02:37:06.000 I'm here to tell you how I see it.

02:37:09.000 You want to hear how I see it?

02:37:10.000 This is how I see it.

02:37:11.000 If I offend you, I offend you.

02:37:15.000 Before, in the beginning of the show, I said something very offensive in today's terms.

02:37:20.000 But in my reality, it was real.

02:37:21.000 You want firecracks? 0.98

02:37:23.000 You buy them from a Chinese dude down in China.

02:37:25.000 Why is that racist?

02:37:26.000 Because that's racist.

02:37:27.000 But isn't it factual?

02:37:28.000 How is it racist that it's factual?

02:37:30.000 Chinese people are out of fireworks. 1.00

02:37:32.000 They move on to other things.

02:37:33.000 There's weird ones that we all let fly.

02:37:36.000 Like black dudes with big dicks. 1.00

02:37:37.000 No one's complaining about that, right?

02:37:40.000 Do you ever hear that?

02:37:41.000 You assume black dude has a big dick.

02:37:42.000 Does anybody complain?

02:37:43.000 Probably they're looking to now.

02:37:45.000 That might be like, maybe I'm the first one to get called out on it.

02:37:47.000 That's racist to think that black dudes have big dicks. 0.51

02:37:51.000 Is it?

02:37:52.000 If it's positive, is like a positive attribute racist?

02:37:57.000 Like if you said Asian people are better at math, people would say that's racist.

02:38:01.000 How is it racist if they're really good at something?

02:38:04.000 Like if they have more talent or skill or more accomplishments?

02:38:08.000 How's that racist?

02:38:10.000 Isn't that racial?

02:38:11.000 If it's good?

02:38:13.000 Jews accept it. 0.69

02:38:15.000 If you tell Ari that more European Jews won Nobel science prizes, he's like, of course, we're smarter. 0.66

02:38:22.000 Is it racist to talk about how many Jews are so fucking smart?

02:38:26.000 Why is that?

02:38:27.000 Why are they so goddamn smart?

02:38:28.000 If you think about how many German and European Jews were fucking serious geniuses, it's a crazy trend. 1.00

02:38:37.000 Like, what happened over there?

02:38:38.000 Callan was trying to explain it to me once.

02:38:39.000 About their values, their education, and experiences, and what led to...

02:38:43.000 Google the numbers of European Jews that have won Nobel science prizes.

02:38:49.000 It's kind of like...

02:38:51.000 It's eye-opening.

02:38:52.000 You know how many Guineas from New Jersey? 0.96

02:38:53.000 Zero.

02:38:55.000 Zero Guineas from New Jersey winning science projects.

02:38:57.000 None of my relatives winning science projects.

02:38:59.000 I tried looking this up a couple weeks ago.

02:39:01.000 It was hard to look it up.

02:39:02.000 Oh, is it?

02:39:02.000 Yeah.

02:39:03.000 European Jews that have won the Nobel Science Prize.

02:39:08.000 Try that.

02:39:09.000 I don't know.

02:39:10.000 I don't even know what these numbers are.

02:39:12.000 I'm talking out of my ass.

02:39:12.000 I know that it's...

02:39:14.000 I've definitely heard it discussed that there was a giant number.

02:39:18.000 What are you doing over there, Joey?

02:39:20.000 Make sure my wife doesn't text me and let me know what party I need to be at.

02:39:25.000 Oh, 4th of July, baby.

02:39:27.000 This is our country's birthday.

02:39:30.000 It's a time that we should cherish.

02:39:33.000 I think we should play the national anthem.

02:39:35.000 Maybe later.

02:39:36.000 We got time.

02:39:37.000 Okay.

02:39:39.000 We gotta play the National Anthem real quick.

02:39:41.000 They had it on this morning by my house.

02:39:43.000 I loved it.

02:39:44.000 I fucking love it.

02:39:44.000 So how was your experience doing your Netflix special?

02:39:48.000 Everything was great.

02:39:49.000 Netflix, I take my hats off and everything was great.

02:39:51.000 It was my fuck up.

02:39:53.000 It was my fuck up.

02:39:54.000 I let it get into my head too much.

02:39:57.000 I listened to too many people and I forgot the number one thing.

02:40:01.000 Just be funny.

02:40:04.000 That's it.

02:40:04.000 Be yourself.

02:40:05.000 Doesn't matter what any people say.

02:40:06.000 How many shows did you film?

02:40:08.000 Two.

02:40:10.000 First one, I think, was a disaster.

02:40:12.000 The second one, I redeemed myself a little bit.

02:40:14.000 We'll put something together and we'll save something.

02:40:17.000 So now I'm working really hard.

02:40:19.000 Now I'm going back to my old roots, how I want to do my stand-up again.

02:40:23.000 It's hard when you even only have two shows.

02:40:26.000 Even only two shows is tough.

02:40:28.000 No more bullshit.

02:40:31.000 Listen, this has nothing to do with me.

02:40:32.000 I'm a stand-up comic.

02:40:35.000 That's what I signed up for.

02:40:38.000 What do I got left?

02:40:39.000 I'm 55. What do I got left of doing stand-up?

02:40:41.000 Another 10 years maybe?

02:40:43.000 I got to stop now.

02:40:44.000 You're going to shut me down now.

02:40:46.000 No, this is where we get started.

02:40:49.000 This is where we get started.

02:40:52.000 We got daughters.

02:40:53.000 When do you think about it?

02:40:54.000 Do you think about ever stopping doing stand-up?

02:40:56.000 Because I do occasionally.

02:40:58.000 I think about it and then I take a flight back with Dice from New York.

02:41:01.000 And I look at Dice.

02:41:02.000 Before I approach him, I sit there and I look at him.

02:41:06.000 10 feet away for 10 minutes.

02:41:08.000 And I think to myself, is this what I want to be doing at that age?

02:41:11.000 And I think about what would we be doing?

02:41:15.000 What would we be doing?

02:41:16.000 You really want to be around your wife and your daughters every fucking weekend for every fucking week.

02:41:21.000 You're already used to leaving one weekend at least a month.

02:41:25.000 You're really used to it.

02:41:27.000 There's going to be a casino.

02:41:29.000 Somebody's going to pay you once a month to leave the house for two days.

02:41:32.000 But would you be happy with your act if you're only going out once a month?

02:41:36.000 Like, if you weren't going up and practicing, going out once a month could be awful.

02:41:40.000 What I'm saying is, I'm saying you're still hosting the pizza place on Wednesday nights.

02:41:45.000 What?

02:41:46.000 And you're still...

02:41:47.000 Let's pretend you moved to fucking Columbus, Ohio.

02:41:50.000 Okay.

02:41:51.000 Moved to Columbus, Ohio.

02:41:52.000 Columbus, Ohio.

02:41:53.000 And you work the Funny Bone once a year, right?

02:41:57.000 And you do your little pizza open mic somewhere down the corner a couple nights a week.

02:42:03.000 They look at you as the older guy.

02:42:05.000 They all came up looking at comedy, watching you.

02:42:08.000 You know, they listen to you.

02:42:09.000 You know, when I started in comedy, I started, the guy's name was George McKelvey.

02:42:13.000 And George McKelvey was a really special guy, JoJo, because he had been on The Tonight Show with the...

02:42:21.000 Whatever, as a comic, as a stand-up.

02:42:23.000 And that's the fucking epitome for one of us, whether he became Richard Pryor or not.

02:42:29.000 He was on, what's his name?

02:42:32.000 Come on, fucking help me here. 0.99

02:42:33.000 I have no idea.

02:42:33.000 The Tonight Show.

02:42:34.000 Johnny Carson?

02:42:35.000 Johnny Carson.

02:42:36.000 He did stand-up and Johnny put him on the couch.

02:42:38.000 You know, the real.

02:42:40.000 I mean, George McKelvey was the real deal.

02:42:42.000 When George was 70, I'll never forget, he called me one night.

02:42:45.000 He was like, hey, what are you doing, kid?

02:42:46.000 I go, I'm sitting.

02:42:47.000 He goes, drive to Colorado Springs.

02:42:50.000 And get on stage.

02:42:51.000 Open up for me.

02:42:51.000 I go, I can't get on that stage.

02:42:53.000 Because a famous manager that was at that club at the time wouldn't let you get on stage unless you took that comedy class for 35 bucks.

02:43:01.000 Oh, that was a scam.

02:43:03.000 A lot of guys did that.

02:43:03.000 He goes, fuck her.

02:43:04.000 I'll waive it.

02:43:06.000 So he threw me on stage.

02:43:07.000 And this old guy liked me.

02:43:10.000 That old guy had no career, basically.

02:43:12.000 He did the local places.

02:43:14.000 He owned two clubs.

02:43:16.000 And he worked a couple clubs that hired him still.

02:43:20.000 He died on the road or whatever.

02:43:22.000 My point being that he helped me a lot as an old guy.

02:43:26.000 Like, I looked at him, and my first opinion of him was, look at this old loser.

02:43:31.000 No, he wasn't an old loser.

02:43:32.000 He had been doing it for 30 years.

02:43:34.000 He committed to this.

02:43:35.000 And no matter what his turnout was or whatever, he was still a comic.

02:43:39.000 He died a comic.

02:43:40.000 I talked to him maybe two years until he died, and I lost contact with him.

02:43:45.000 Well, George Carlin died on the road.

02:43:47.000 One of the greatest of all time.

02:43:48.000 I don't want to die on the road.

02:43:49.000 And I know you don't want to die on the road.

02:43:51.000 No.

02:43:52.000 But I can't.

02:43:53.000 For years, I thought I wouldn't be doing this at 50. Guess what?

02:43:58.000 I'm 55. But you're not just doing it.

02:44:01.000 This is what's important.

02:44:02.000 You're still letting it swing.

02:44:05.000 You're still having fun and doing a lot of crazy shit that gets you in a lot of trouble today.

02:44:09.000 This is what I brought up with...

02:44:10.000 We were talking about the, you know, air quotes, Me Too era.

02:44:13.000 People are going after people today, for good or for bad, and to still have a wild, controversial act in this politically correct environment...

02:44:22.000 Hold on one second.

02:44:23.000 What are we going after Me Too people for?

02:44:26.000 For me taking you in the back, grabbing your titties, grabbing your pussy, or for you sucking my dick for a movie role, or for something like that. 1.00

02:44:32.000 All those things really don't exist in my life.

02:44:34.000 Right.

02:44:35.000 I have a wife and I have a child.

02:44:37.000 They don't exist in my life.

02:44:38.000 If you want to come at me for sucking my dick in 2002, we were both doing blow, go ahead, be my guest.

02:44:46.000 Be my guest!

02:44:47.000 But I want to see footage.

02:44:49.000 I can't be I'm Z, I'm Zari and take it and just, you know what I'm saying?

02:44:52.000 Yeah.

02:44:52.000 There's a lot of people out there that are going to get me too.

02:44:54.000 Look at this other guy.

02:44:55.000 For years he was known as a heroin addict.

02:44:57.000 Never got a clue of sexual misconduct.

02:45:01.000 And some chick said he molested her when he was 11 years old.

02:45:04.000 And now he's like, you need that.

02:45:05.000 You need that.

02:45:07.000 And the chick's on drugs. 1.00

02:45:08.000 She's doing a press conference while she's on drugs. 1.00

02:45:11.000 What's his name, brother?

02:45:13.000 The guy that was in heat that De Niro put him in a rehab himself.

02:45:16.000 And then he married Heidi Fleiss for a while.

02:45:19.000 Who was with Heidi Fleiss?

02:45:21.000 Tom.

02:45:21.000 Tom, yeah.

02:45:23.000 That guy's been a junkie for 2,000 years.

02:45:25.000 All of a sudden...

02:45:26.000 Why can't I remember his last name?

02:45:27.000 Sizemore.

02:45:28.000 Sizemore.

02:45:28.000 All of a sudden, some girl comes up when she...

02:45:31.000 26, twitching.

02:45:33.000 Yeah, he molested me on a movie set when I was 11. That's great and dandy, dog.

02:45:37.000 But you can't ruin somebody's life now.

02:45:40.000 But what do you think is happening?

02:45:42.000 This is my question.

02:45:42.000 Like, why are people accepting these situations, like the Chris Hardwick situation?

02:45:49.000 Or why is everybody instantly thinking that the guy's guilty?

02:45:54.000 No one giving him a chance to...

02:45:56.000 The benefit of the doubt.

02:45:57.000 No court.

02:45:57.000 No justice court.

02:45:59.000 There's no nothing.

02:46:00.000 And in some cases, like the worst case was Garrison Keillor.

02:46:03.000 Garrison Keillor is the host of the Lake Woebegone Chronicles, like this radio show on PBS, I think it is.

02:46:09.000 Is that what it is?

02:46:10.000 He apparently hugged a woman and his hand went down her back.

02:46:14.000 This is the depiction.

02:46:17.000 And he apologized to her and he sent her an email and she said, don't worry about it.

02:46:21.000 It's no big deal.

02:46:22.000 It was nothing.

02:46:23.000 And then they continued, I believe, to correspond and were friends again.

02:46:27.000 And then this...

02:46:29.000 All the stuff started happening with Al Franken and then he had this complaint brought up by this woman.

02:46:36.000 She reintroduced it and said that a long time ago he put his hand on my back.

02:46:40.000 And they cancelled his show.

02:46:42.000 They took his name off of it.

02:46:45.000 They did it like really quickly.

02:46:46.000 And it's one of those things where you just go, okay, really?

02:46:50.000 Like the guy in one moment in time touches someone's back.

02:46:54.000 I don't know if it was creepy or not.

02:46:56.000 Let's assume it was a terrible error and it was creepy.

02:47:00.000 I don't think it was.

02:47:01.000 I don't know.

02:47:02.000 I'm not saying I know.

02:47:04.000 But that's it?

02:47:05.000 Just touching someone's back?

02:47:07.000 That is a hysterical reaction.

02:47:10.000 That is hysteria.

02:47:11.000 It's almost the definition of hysteria.

02:47:13.000 You're not talking about an evil person.

02:47:14.000 You're talking about a person who touched someone's back.

02:47:17.000 We've got to be real careful with what you destroy a person's whole life with.

02:47:22.000 So on the one side you have the worst case scenario, which is like a Bill Cosby, who's drugging people and raping people.

02:47:30.000 It's the worst case scenario for these powerful elite type people that are getting these women into their web and pretending they're going to help them. 0.80

02:47:37.000 Harvey Weinstein, right.

02:47:38.000 He's another one.

02:47:39.000 Which they were all in on it, and everybody knew about it.

02:47:42.000 For years they knew about it.

02:47:43.000 It was written into his contract.

02:47:45.000 Sexual harassment clauses were in his contract, right?

02:47:49.000 It was known for years.

02:47:51.000 Let's make sure we're correct on that, but we've written that online before.

02:47:53.000 Don't you know what bothers me about Harvey?

02:47:55.000 Let me tell you what bothers me about Harvey.

02:47:57.000 What?

02:47:57.000 We've got to indict everybody.

02:47:59.000 There's a lot of people that have to be indicted, and this is one of the things I'm getting at.

02:48:02.000 That's my feeling.

02:48:02.000 My feeling right now is that this should be a RICO Act.

02:48:06.000 This is a RICO Act.

02:48:08.000 Agents, managers, Oprah, because everybody knew.

02:48:15.000 Everybody knew.

02:48:15.000 Okay, but here's the question.

02:48:16.000 How much did they know?

02:48:17.000 Listen, everybody knew.

02:48:18.000 In 2005, everybody knew Joe Diaz was a coke fiend. 0.99

02:48:22.000 That's a different thing, though, man.

02:48:24.000 It's the same.

02:48:25.000 Let's pretend.

02:48:26.000 It's the same thing.

02:48:27.000 Joe Diaz is a coke fiend.

02:48:29.000 It's 2007. Joe Diaz comes to a party at your house.

02:48:33.000 There's two cell phones missing.

02:48:37.000 Okay, let me say this, though.

02:48:39.000 Do you think that it's possible that his behavior was shielded from some of the people that he interacted with, like Hillary Clinton or Oprah or Bill Clinton or whoever it was that they, some high-profile people that he interacted with?

02:48:54.000 Is it possible that they didn't know?

02:48:55.000 Is it possible that they just thought he was a pussyhound?

02:48:57.000 No.

02:48:57.000 Or do you think they all knew?

02:48:58.000 They knew he was a pussyhound, and they heard a little chitter-chatter, but it's okay. 1.00

02:49:05.000 It's Joe.

02:49:06.000 It's okay.

02:49:06.000 They would just let him.

02:49:07.000 It's Joe.

02:49:08.000 That's number one.

02:49:09.000 That's crazy.

02:49:10.000 Number two, Jamie, you ready for this?

02:49:12.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:49:13.000 Okay, I see Joe, whatever.

02:49:15.000 Not now, but 25 years ago.

02:49:19.000 I see Joe, and the first thing I have to go is, Joe, before you leave, don't forget I've got to tell you this story.

02:49:25.000 What was that story going to be about?

02:49:27.000 About Benson Henderson's joke?

02:49:30.000 About a joke that somebody said at the store, no, about a place I went to.

02:49:37.000 And some chick took me in the back and sucked my dick under the car and then she stuck a finger in my ass and that's what we talked about. 1.00

02:49:44.000 So, if that's what we talked about, you're going to look me in the fucking face like a man that you are and the men that you And tell me Harvey Weinstein never turned to Brad or his other bodies and said,

02:49:59.000 psst, remind me to tell you a story about that dirty fucking animal. 1.00

02:50:04.000 For sure.

02:50:05.000 Okay, then.

02:50:05.000 For sure.

02:50:06.000 That's actually what's been admitted, I think.

02:50:09.000 They've had conversations about that.

02:50:10.000 Oh, my God.

02:50:11.000 If you don't think the Whig, Ben Affleck, and the other guy.

02:50:14.000 I'm not offending nobody.

02:50:15.000 I'm just talking about boys.

02:50:16.000 We're boys, right?

02:50:17.000 You and I have boys.

02:50:18.000 You won't say to Jamie.

02:50:20.000 You'll say to me.

02:50:21.000 You watch Blind Date.

02:50:23.000 No, I've never watched it.

02:50:24.000 There's a movie...

02:50:25.000 Blind Date.

02:50:26.000 Some firecrackers are going off in the room.

02:50:29.000 There's a movie named Blind Date with Bruce Willis.

02:50:31.000 Oh, I remember that movie.

02:50:33.000 And Kim Basinger.

02:50:34.000 Hilarious!

02:50:35.000 Kim Basinger steals the show when she walks into Japanese land and she's like, you know, you're entitled to 50% of your husband's assets in California. 0.98

02:50:43.000 And the Chinese woman kept saying... 0.99

02:50:46.000 Me don't speak English.

02:50:47.000 Me don't speak English.

02:50:48.000 You know you're in town 50% and she opens up the door 50% 50%. 0.85

02:50:54.000 That movie's a great movie but there's a scene in the opening of that movie both of those actors are around where the guy comes up to him and he goes you're not going to believe what happened last night.

02:51:04.000 And Bruce Willis goes, here we go.

02:51:06.000 One of these fucking sex stories again.

02:51:09.000 And he goes, so I'm at Spago's.

02:51:11.000 I have a dinner.

02:51:12.000 I walk out and some lady pulls up in a limo. 1.00

02:51:15.000 And I say, I've never been in a limo.

02:51:17.000 And she goes, we'll get in.

02:51:18.000 And we're riding down Sunset.

02:51:20.000 Our time's in the summer.

02:51:22.000 And next thing you know, she's sucking my dick. 1.00

02:51:24.000 She's got leotards on.

02:51:26.000 I'm eating her ass. 1.00

02:51:27.000 And he's telling the story.

02:51:29.000 And Bruce Willis looks at him and goes...

02:51:30.000 No.

02:51:31.000 Why does this always happen to you?

02:51:33.000 This is some other bullshit.

02:51:35.000 He goes, da-da-da-da-da.

02:51:36.000 And he goes in his pocket and he starts whipping out Polaroids.

02:51:41.000 I've always known one of those guys in my life.

02:51:45.000 Of course.

02:51:45.000 We've all known one guy in my life.

02:51:48.000 But there's a difference between that guy and what Harvey Weinstein's been accused of.

02:51:52.000 Yeah, I know that.

02:51:53.000 But I also believe that Harvey Weinstein was telling people.

02:51:57.000 He probably was.

02:51:59.000 Because, listen, for everybody who told- What was he telling them?

02:52:01.000 Was he telling them that he was holding people down?

02:52:02.000 What do they usually tell them?

02:52:03.000 Was he telling them he was raping people?

02:52:05.000 She's a piece of ass. 1.00

02:52:06.000 No, not at all.

02:52:07.000 Do you think that he did- Well, I don't even want to ask you.

02:52:09.000 She's a piece of ass. 1.00

02:52:10.000 She's a piece of ass. 1.00

02:52:11.000 You've got to see her suck a dick. 1.00

02:52:13.000 Right.

02:52:13.000 She'll do anything.

02:52:14.000 She's an animal.

02:52:15.000 That's what we do as men.

02:52:16.000 We're braggadocio.

02:52:17.000 So do you think that there was like a community of that where actors and actresses- I think he had four or five guys- That knew what he was doing.

02:52:27.000 I want you to remember being 27 and having four of your boys that would come back every Monday with a different story to karate school.

02:52:37.000 Yeah.

02:52:38.000 I ate her ass. 1.00

02:52:39.000 I fucked her on fire. 0.94

02:52:41.000 Whatever the fuck it is that you do.

02:52:43.000 He told somebody.

02:52:44.000 Somebody knew about all these stories.

02:52:46.000 Some agents knew.

02:52:48.000 Because for the hundred of them that said no and whatever, there had to be 25. He was playing the percentages joke.

02:52:57.000 A lot of people said yes.

02:52:59.000 They blamed that one girl. 0.99

02:53:01.000 That one girl that did Rounders. 1.00

02:53:04.000 They accused her.

02:53:06.000 Yeah, I heard that.

02:53:07.000 That played Matt Damon's girlfriend. 0.99

02:53:09.000 She went from being an extra in fucking Donnie Brasco to being a guest star opposite fucking... 1.00

02:53:17.000 Yeah, if you watch Donnie Brasco, she's what's his name?

02:53:20.000 Sonny Black's girlfriend.

02:53:22.000 You know how many lines she has in that movie? 1.00

02:53:25.000 Zero.

02:53:26.000 Zero.

02:53:27.000 Smart move.

02:53:28.000 And then a year later, she's a fucking guest opposite. 1.00

02:53:34.000 So there's a bunch of them that said yes.

02:53:36.000 But do you fault the girl for doing that?

02:53:39.000 If a girl decides to fuck Harvey Weinstein on her own free will... 1.00

02:53:43.000 Joe Rogan, we come here with a dream.

02:53:45.000 And there's two ways to enhance that dream.

02:53:48.000 There's either I always knew that I wasn't good-looking, I always knew I was fat, and I always knew I was R-rated and hard to listen to.

02:53:56.000 But I always knew that I was funny, so I always worked on being funny.

02:54:00.000 I didn't think somebody was going to let me suck their dick or eat their pussy to be a star. 1.00

02:54:06.000 So that was never in my mind.

02:54:08.000 But think about people who...

02:54:09.000 How many people have you met that would sell their soul in this town?

02:54:13.000 How many people have come and gone in front of you?

02:54:16.000 The reason why our friendship is still intact is because you know I'm a hard worker.

02:54:20.000 You know Ari's a hard worker. 1.00

02:54:21.000 You respect hard work.

02:54:23.000 How many times have you pulled me aside and said, look at this fucking clown?

02:54:27.000 And you're not trying to be judgmental.

02:54:29.000 You just know that he's pulling the wool over somebody's eyes.

02:54:32.000 We know who's talking the talk and we know who's walking the walk.

02:54:35.000 We see it on stage.

02:54:37.000 We hear about it.

02:54:38.000 We don't need Twitter or Facebook.

02:54:40.000 We hear about it.

02:54:41.000 We get to that club.

02:54:42.000 The club owner will tell you, Joe.

02:54:43.000 Joe, he was here two weeks ago.

02:54:45.000 He was falling asleep on stage.

02:54:47.000 You know, you hear shit.

02:54:48.000 Right.

02:54:49.000 So it's the same thing.

02:54:54.000 You agree?

02:54:55.000 Yeah.

02:54:56.000 No, I think so.

02:54:57.000 I think one of the things that stand-up's good for is that it's an exercise you're doing while you're living your life.

02:55:07.000 And the better your stand-up gets, it's usually a better indication that you're thinking better.

02:55:12.000 Like your life's more in order.

02:55:14.000 You're more tuned in.

02:55:15.000 You know, you're doing stuff that's hitting harder because you've got better points.

02:55:18.000 You know how to edit it better.

02:55:20.000 And usually that, you can use that.

02:55:23.000 I think it's like, remember that movie Mo' Better Blues?

02:55:26.000 Denzel Washington?

02:55:27.000 I loved that movie.

02:55:28.000 One of the things I loved about that movie, I got inspired to work on my act after that movie.

02:55:32.000 I was like, think about how much musicians practice.

02:55:35.000 He was just always practicing, and these girls, these hot girls would want to fuck. 1.00

02:55:38.000 And you're like, no, no, no, right now.

02:55:40.000 I gotta practice.

02:55:41.000 I gotta practice.

02:55:41.000 I was like, damn, the discipline.

02:55:43.000 The crazy discipline that that man has to play that trumpet and practice it over and over again.

02:55:47.000 And it made me really think, like, as a comic, we don't work like that.

02:55:52.000 We don't have to rehearse all day.

02:55:53.000 You know, we don't really rehearse at all.

02:55:55.000 But musicians, like a really good musician, they're always working.

02:55:58.000 They're always trying and training and working on their craft.

02:56:01.000 And we do it on stage, in front of people, probably more than a lot of musicians do, unless they're constantly regularly touring.

02:56:08.000 But we don't have that kind of a work ethic attached to what we do.

02:56:14.000 If you want to play a phenomenal trumpet, Those guys, their breath control and the way they can blow those horns, man, they practice all the time.

02:56:22.000 They put in hours and hours working on that.

02:56:25.000 And I was thinking about it, like, that's a different kind of craft.

02:56:28.000 It's a different kind of craft, the ability to play a musical instrument.

02:56:32.000 The thing about stand-up that becomes a problem sometimes is that it's kind of, you can kind of pull it off.

02:56:39.000 Like, you can do it really well, or you can kind of pull it off.

02:56:41.000 And to kind of pull it off, you don't need a whole lot of effort.

02:56:44.000 You just need a few good subjects and a few good ways of expressing it.

02:56:48.000 But to get that where you can kind of pull it off and turn it into a bit that just smashes, a bit that you put it in and you can't wait to get to that punchline because you know it's going to be a nuclear bomb.

02:56:59.000 That's where the real work comes in.

02:57:00.000 And I think for a lot of us, it's the difference between how much energy you put towards anything, whether it's your stand-up comedy or painting or whatever the fuck you do.

02:57:10.000 How much energy you put towards your writing?

02:57:11.000 How much energy you put towards thinking about it?

02:57:13.000 The more you can do, the better it's going to be.

02:57:15.000 And that's a fundamental thing that nobody ever tells you.

02:57:18.000 People tell you you should write.

02:57:19.000 But it's not just that you should write.

02:57:21.000 You should also listen to your shit.

02:57:23.000 You should also perform.

02:57:23.000 But the whole key to it all is just applying different kinds of focus towards your act.

02:57:29.000 And if you look at a movie like Mo' Betta Blues, he's doing that.

02:57:33.000 He's playing that fucking trumpet, and you realize this guy is lost in the act of practicing this beautiful musical instrument, and this is his craft, and he takes pride in being excellent at his craft.

02:57:45.000 He could just hang around all day and still probably blow an awesome tune at night, but no, he fucking practices.

02:57:50.000 And I remember thinking about that, going, damn, that's probably something that's missing from the lives of most stand-ups, and I should probably try to think about that more with my own life.

02:58:00.000 I love the writing, and I love the performing.

02:58:05.000 I hate the listening.

02:58:06.000 Yeah, that's a hard part.

02:58:08.000 The listening is very rough for me, and I listen, I force myself, even before the special.

02:58:13.000 I forced myself to listen a lot, and it made me too fucking overcritical.

02:58:18.000 You know, it got me too over fucking critical.

02:58:22.000 A week before I taped, I also went to places that I didn't put my name on the gazebo, just to see how my jokes would do in front of regular people.

02:58:30.000 And that fucked with my head a little bit. 0.58

02:58:32.000 I made a lot of couple little mistakes in training camp.

02:58:35.000 But that's what training camps were for, to learn.

02:58:38.000 Yes.

02:58:39.000 No, I agree, man.

02:58:40.000 Listen, I've been doing this for 27 years.

02:58:42.000 I love doing it.

02:58:42.000 I get better every fucking year.

02:58:45.000 My breathing, I get something better going up on stage, your confidence levels.

02:58:51.000 And, uh, dog, it's 27 fucking years.

02:58:54.000 You're going to be doing it 30 this year.

02:58:56.000 Yep.

02:58:57.000 Next month is going to be 30 fucking years.

02:59:00.000 Did you ever see yourself...

02:59:04.000 Doing this for 30 years.

02:59:06.000 I still remember walking into the main room and Mitzi was in her booth and Paul was on stage slicing that room apart.

02:59:17.000 And she called me over and she goes, that's what happens when you've been doing comedy for 20 years.

02:59:24.000 At that time I was like, damn!

02:59:26.000 I've been doing comedy for 11. I still got another 9. And now I'm at 27. Crazy.

02:59:35.000 And it's like you watch people like John Jock, right, who will fuck you up effortlessly.

02:59:42.000 Mm-hmm.

02:59:43.000 Without even breathing heavy.

02:59:44.000 John Jock, yeah, you'll be in.

02:59:46.000 You'll get that fucking hill.

02:59:48.000 You think you got him in the fucking guillotine.

02:59:51.000 Right.

02:59:51.000 Next thing you know, you're on your back looking up with your arm.

02:59:55.000 And that's what kind of we're doing right now.

02:59:57.000 I feel myself...

02:59:59.000 When I see a guy with a coral belt on, I'm like, that's the level now that we're at.

03:00:05.000 I can control a lot of shit.

03:00:08.000 Joe, one of your secrets was following me, was putting yourself in bad positions.

03:00:13.000 Yeah.

03:00:14.000 Which in jujitsu is like getting the biggest guy in the room and going, hey, are you busy right now?

03:00:19.000 Dude, I'd tell people that I was taking you on the road with me.

03:00:21.000 They'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

03:00:24.000 Get on top of me and just choke me. 1.00

03:00:25.000 You taking me on the road.

03:00:28.000 Is like somebody going, hey, come here for a second.

03:00:31.000 What do you weigh?

03:00:32.000 300?

03:00:33.000 I weigh 140. Get on top of me in a mount and put one hand in and we'll start there.

03:00:40.000 Let's start right there.

03:00:41.000 Let's start right fucking there.

03:00:43.000 But only if you think about it that way.

03:00:46.000 See, this is what was important about it.

03:00:48.000 And there's one of the things that's important about traveling with all really funny people.

03:00:51.000 It only becomes a negative when you think at it as a negative.

03:00:55.000 When someone's funny, you should be laughing and enjoying it, and it makes your time more enjoyable when you go on stage.

03:01:02.000 Yes, it does.

03:01:03.000 I needed to learn that.

03:01:04.000 And the way I learned that, one of the ways was going on the road with you.

03:01:08.000 I knew that you were going to crush.

03:01:10.000 And so I knew that everybody else would like to take...

03:01:13.000 You know, we were both relatively young in our comedy careers back then, right?

03:01:17.000 So it was like we're talking about I've been doing comedy maybe nine years or eight years.

03:01:21.000 But you were a lot wiser about the game.

03:01:24.000 Like, you introduced me to shit that I had never even...

03:01:27.000 Like, I read a few books and watched a few tapes.

03:01:30.000 But you had the practical knowledge that I needed.

03:01:33.000 Like, you were the vote tech school.

03:01:36.000 Well, what I did is I thought about it the same way I thought about martial arts.

03:01:40.000 That's one of the reasons why I wanted to go on the road with you all the time.

03:01:42.000 I was like, you don't get better at sparring people that suck.

03:01:44.000 You get better when you spar with wizards.

03:01:47.000 You've got to be real careful when you're sparring with wizards.

03:01:50.000 And so I was like, what I would need to do is have someone who goes on stage in front of me and just crushes.

03:01:55.000 I had some tough sets going on after you.

03:01:57.000 I remember one time in Rascals.

03:02:00.000 Rascals in West Orange, right?

03:02:02.000 Was it West Orange or East Orange?

03:02:04.000 West.

03:02:04.000 West Orange, New Jersey.

03:02:06.000 Fucking great club, but you went up and you got into it with some people in the audience about something and you were just on fire, just on fire.

03:02:15.000 You crushed.

03:02:16.000 And I had a real hard time going on after you.

03:02:18.000 And I remember thinking, oh, okay, this is a very important lesson.

03:02:22.000 Like, this is important.

03:02:23.000 Like, there's something that I'm not doing right that he is doing right.

03:02:26.000 Like, what am I, how come I'm not, oh, I'm nervous.

03:02:29.000 I'm nervous going on after him.

03:02:31.000 So I'm not having fun up there.

03:02:32.000 So he's having fun, and I'm being tense, going, oh, geez, this better not suck.

03:02:36.000 So I'm putting in my head, this better not suck.

03:02:38.000 It's the total wrong way to approach...

03:02:40.000 Like, if you approached a fight like that, man, you're going to get smashed, most likely.

03:02:44.000 You want to approach a fight thinking about the things you're going to do, not the things that you want to, like...

03:02:49.000 Worry about what's going to happen if you get hit.

03:02:51.000 You don't think like that.

03:02:52.000 You just think about doing your thing and then adjusting along the way.

03:02:55.000 And I had the wrong mindset and I needed to see someone kill a bunch of times in front of me and then bomb go after them to realize something's wrong here.

03:03:04.000 The wrong thing is that I'm going on stage tense Because someone was funny.

03:03:08.000 That's ridiculous.

03:03:09.000 Like, I should be the opposite.

03:03:10.000 I should be happy that someone was funny because I love comedy.

03:03:14.000 And this is what I like to do.

03:03:15.000 I mean, I like to watch it if I'm not doing it.

03:03:17.000 So why am I so tense?

03:03:18.000 It's just a bad way of approaching a problem.

03:03:22.000 And I think this is one of the things that fucks people up in life.

03:03:25.000 You approach a problem the same way every time and you never stop and just completely look at the whole thing from the top down.

03:03:32.000 Just look at the whole thing and go, what am I trying to do here?

03:03:35.000 I'm trying to get tighter and funnier and better.

03:03:38.000 What do I got to do?

03:03:38.000 I got to do a lot of sets.

03:03:39.000 I got to write and I got to work with murderers.

03:03:42.000 That was the key.

03:03:43.000 It's like working with guys like you and all of us working together.

03:03:46.000 And also people knew if they came to see us, like, hey, this isn't just going to be Joe goes up and he's the hero of the show.

03:03:52.000 No, you're going to get Ari who's going to go on and murder, you're going to go on and murder, and then I'm going to go up. 1.00

03:03:57.000 I mean, it's a fucking rock'em sock'em robot show we had.

03:04:01.000 We went on the road, dude.

03:04:02.000 We did clubs across the country.

03:04:06.000 We did, I mean, who knows how many fucking cities you and I and Ari toured on.

03:04:10.000 Fucking crazy numbers.

03:04:12.000 Just over and over again, bonding together, hundreds of shows together, figuring out how to fucking get everything perfect, figuring out the right amount of weed to smoke before you go on stage, the right amount of getting Joey Diaz riled up.

03:04:27.000 You would come in yelling about something, or here, I want you to see something, I'd go into the bathroom and there'd be a shit that looks like a crocodile trying to crawl out of the toilet bowl.

03:04:37.000 All that stuff, that's some rock and roll comedy, man.

03:04:40.000 You know, it helped both of us.

03:04:42.000 It helped both of us a lot.

03:04:43.000 And it also, like, set a tone that I think for a lot of us.

03:04:47.000 Like, you should be with funny people.

03:04:49.000 Everybody should try hard.

03:04:50.000 You should not, like, think that anybody doing good is bad for you.

03:04:54.000 It's great.

03:04:54.000 It's great for you.

03:04:55.000 It's great for everybody.

03:04:56.000 That everybody's, like, doing good together is better for everybody.

03:05:00.000 When I go on the road now, I go onto the road under those Joe Rogan principles.

03:05:05.000 That's my whole road thing.

03:05:07.000 The only thing I added to it, the only Jeet Kune Do I added to it is my travel.

03:05:11.000 I'm in and out fast.

03:05:13.000 I don't fuck around.

03:05:14.000 I don't rent a car.

03:05:14.000 I don't want to see nobody.

03:05:16.000 I'm in and out.

03:05:18.000 Yeah.

03:05:18.000 Let's go right over there.

03:05:19.000 You know, there's no radio necessary.

03:05:20.000 I play it just like you now.

03:05:23.000 Yeah, they'll try.

03:05:25.000 Yeah, they'll try.

03:05:25.000 Because they have relationships with local radio stations.

03:05:27.000 They're like, you know, KCWI wants to get you in there in the morning.

03:05:30.000 But if they're cool, I go in because you want to talk to the people on the way up, the same people on the way down.

03:05:37.000 There's a lot of people that were there for me when I wasn't, so I tried to do their station.

03:05:40.000 The problem is that waking up in the morning murders you.

03:05:43.000 It just kills you.

03:05:45.000 And you've got to get in there a day earlier.

03:05:47.000 Because if you want to do Friday morning, you've got to get in there Thursday now.

03:05:50.000 You can't just show up Friday, 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

03:05:52.000 No, I can't do it.

03:05:53.000 I fly out Thursday at fucking 6 a.m.

03:05:55.000 That's the best you got out of me.

03:05:57.000 Right.

03:05:57.000 Because I got the family and I got the people.

03:05:59.000 We got a lot of shit.

03:06:00.000 It's not like it used to be, man.

03:06:01.000 But the thing that I love about this time is that even though people are super sensitive, like we were talking about, people are real sensitive about getting in trouble for stuff, there's still Rock'em Sock'em Robots comedy going on.

03:06:14.000 It's still wild out there.

03:06:16.000 Dudes are still doing crazy fucking jokes.

03:06:20.000 It's fun.

03:06:21.000 People are taking real chances.

03:06:23.000 They're doing real stand-up.

03:06:25.000 You know, and there's a lot of them.

03:06:27.000 There's Bill Burr.

03:06:28.000 There's you.

03:06:29.000 I mean, you can go down the list.

03:06:30.000 Ari.

03:06:30.000 Ari's doing some real stand-up.

03:06:32.000 You know, there's a bunch of real killers now.

03:06:34.000 Santino, he's doing some dangerous stand-up.

03:06:38.000 The shit I'm writing now, I'm writing for my...

03:06:40.000 That's it.

03:06:41.000 Like, the point of that fucking story I told you, of being on top of that hill at 17 and being homeless, is because I had a lot of chances to ice myself, Chuck.

03:06:53.000 I had a lot of ass chances to ice myself.

03:06:56.000 Think of getting out of fucking prison.

03:06:58.000 And thinking of getting out on bail.

03:07:00.000 When I got out on bail, Think of getting out of bail and knowing you're going to look at 48 fucking years.

03:07:08.000 And you're a fucking loser as it is.

03:07:10.000 Think of all those opportunities.

03:07:12.000 I used to break into a friend's house to sleep in his house at night.

03:07:16.000 I slept in a rocket ship for a month outside of the park.

03:07:21.000 You ever go to a park and see those rocket ships and your kids play on them?

03:07:24.000 I still remember going up to the third floor of the rocket ship, finishing off my coke and jerking off On the third floor at 5 in the morning outside in a fucking park with leaves around me and shit.

03:07:35.000 There was a lot of times I had that I wanted to do...

03:07:39.000 That visual is amazing.

03:07:41.000 You have no fucking idea.

03:07:42.000 I would go up to the third floor with a bottle of fucking Smirnoff silver vodka, a bag, a hooded sweatshirt, gloves with a missing finger so I could fucking touch the rock and put them in my nose and shit.

03:07:59.000 Now that's all funny on the way up the stairs and shit, but when you come down and you're in that rocket ship and it's 5 in the morning and it's 20 fucking 2 below zero, and you're thinking to yourself, fucking God took away my mother,

03:08:15.000 God did this, this is all God's fault.

03:08:17.000 Because the same God that I was raised to believe that was going to help me is doing all this.

03:08:22.000 A lot of times I wanted to fucking do a swan dive.

03:08:26.000 But I didn't.

03:08:27.000 You know, it's so fucking weird.

03:08:29.000 I was in those positions for a long time, Joe.

03:08:33.000 Yeah.

03:08:34.000 Now I got to look at you and go, Jesus Christ, look at Ike Turner's...

03:08:37.000 No, no, Tina Turner's son killed himself yesterday.

03:08:40.000 It wasn't Ike's son, though.

03:08:41.000 I thought it was Ike's son with her.

03:08:43.000 You know, this trend of fucking people icing themselves.

03:08:46.000 That scares me.

03:08:47.000 That concerns me.

03:08:48.000 Is it something we're eating?

03:08:49.000 Is it something that we're getting weak on?

03:08:51.000 You know, there was no drugs in the Bordain system, so we can't blame fucking prescription drugs.

03:08:56.000 You know, he was on one medication, some sort of medication.

03:09:02.000 And it was something that was prescribed for him.

03:09:04.000 Someone told me that it was malaria medication.

03:09:06.000 I don't know.

03:09:07.000 Probably.

03:09:08.000 I don't know if they've released that.

03:09:09.000 But I'm sure he had to take some of that stuff sometimes.

03:09:11.000 But, you know, you don't know what it was that did him in.

03:09:14.000 According to some people, he really wasn't doing well.

03:09:17.000 You know, I don't know.

03:09:18.000 I need to...

03:09:19.000 I mean, it's almost...

03:09:23.000 It's unnecessary for me to get the full story.

03:09:25.000 I miss the guy.

03:09:26.000 He's gone.

03:09:26.000 That's it.

03:09:27.000 I don't need to...

03:09:29.000 I think whenever someone does something like that, whatever it is, if there's one thing that people could point to and say, hey, there's a chemical that's responsible for this, or there's a gene problem that's responsible for this, how could someone who's loved so much Want to step out.

03:09:46.000 I mean, that must be a terrible moment of pain to want to do it.

03:09:52.000 It took about a month to go.

03:09:52.000 You ever been on the computer listening to music on YouTube and you're writing?

03:09:56.000 Right.

03:09:57.000 And it just keeps playing songs and you don't have no control of it.

03:10:00.000 I think I started with Leonard Skinner, the Simple Man.

03:10:04.000 Right.

03:10:04.000 And I kept going on the Leonard Skinner trip and I went and I came back and at one point blow up the outside world.

03:10:10.000 Oh.

03:10:11.000 And I'm sitting there, and he says that line about going out or something.

03:10:17.000 Joe Rogan, my lip.

03:10:20.000 Started shaking.

03:10:21.000 I'm like, I don't even know this guy and I miss him.

03:10:24.000 You don't know this guy?

03:10:25.000 You want me to look at you people and tell you I know?

03:10:27.000 I met Chris.

03:10:28.000 I don't know.

03:10:30.000 I saw him one time at the Comedy Store six feet away from me, Chris Cornell.

03:10:35.000 That's it.

03:10:35.000 And I started crying.

03:10:37.000 Like, how could somebody like this go in a room and just ice themselves?

03:10:41.000 Is this what I'm gonna do because I'm in this fucking entertainment field?

03:10:44.000 Because what happens?

03:10:47.000 And then I think about all these times, one time, I broke into my friend's house and I broke in the window and it was freezing so I couldn't even sleep in that room.

03:10:56.000 I had to sleep in the hallway.

03:10:57.000 And there was a mattress on the wall that had like pistanes from all the kids and I pulled it down and I slept on it. 1.00

03:11:03.000 And when I woke up, he had a dog and when it was too cold he just let the dog shit downstairs.

03:11:09.000 And there was like 20 pieces of little rolled up shit that had been, you know, like when the juice goes out of them, they just roll up.

03:11:17.000 What's those things that you use as a organ?

03:11:19.000 Remember those?

03:11:20.000 Accordions?

03:11:21.000 It was like a piece of shit shrinks like an accordion when the moisture goes out of it.

03:11:26.000 It really does.

03:11:27.000 So if you take a shit that's this big and you put it in a box, come back a week later, it's like this big.

03:11:32.000 How do I know that?

03:11:34.000 Because I did it to a guy in prison.

03:11:35.000 I took a shit in a welfare box one time.

03:11:37.000 Oh, gee.

03:11:38.000 You know the boxes of cheese, where the cheese comes in, American cheese?

03:11:42.000 Yes.

03:11:42.000 This dude had long hair and would always try to play me like he was with the biker dudes.

03:11:46.000 Oh, so you took a shit in a box for him?

03:11:48.000 But he played.

03:11:49.000 He worked in the kitchen.

03:11:51.000 He forgot I ran the kitchen, and it was all me and black dudes.

03:11:55.000 So one day I got one of the welfare cheese boxes, and I took like a 22, 24-inch.

03:12:01.000 It looked like a lizard.

03:12:03.000 It was just long, like, you know, thin at the end.

03:12:07.000 Like, what are those things that move?

03:12:08.000 Like a snail.

03:12:09.000 That's what it looked like, a long brown snail.

03:12:11.000 And I fit it perfectly into this cheese box.

03:12:14.000 And I took a flag, an American flag, like, from the cheese, and I put it on top.

03:12:19.000 And I put it in this drawer.

03:12:21.000 And every night, and he had the first bunk.

03:12:24.000 On the way out, everybody had to walk back.

03:12:27.000 And all the black guys would open the door and go, God damn, it smells like shit in this motherfucker. 1.00

03:12:31.000 And he kept saying, I know it does.

03:12:33.000 I don't know why it smells like shit in here.

03:12:35.000 And after like a month, one day he went in his drawer.

03:12:39.000 Everybody kept saying, man, it smells like shit in here.

03:12:41.000 He went in his drawer, opened it up, and he found this box.

03:12:45.000 He opened it up, and I'll never forget him knocking on my bunk going, I'm going to find out who did this to me.

03:12:51.000 And I go, what'd they do to you?

03:12:52.000 And he goes, look at this!

03:12:54.000 And I go, what is it?

03:12:54.000 And I knew it was shit.

03:12:56.000 But it had shrunken down from the 24 inches to like 6 little inches.

03:13:01.000 Really?

03:13:01.000 It just shrunk down when all the moisture goes out.

03:13:04.000 It just shrunk down like a fucking...

03:13:07.000 I don't even know why I'm telling you that story.

03:13:10.000 It's a hilarious story.

03:13:11.000 It's fucking crazy.

03:13:12.000 It's a hilarious story.

03:13:15.000 These are fun times, Joey Diaz.

03:13:16.000 I think we're the last of the regular humans.

03:13:19.000 I think we got our children's generation maybe one more after that, and I really do believe it's over.

03:13:25.000 I think we're gonna integrate with fucking computers.

03:13:27.000 I think we're real close to it now.

03:13:29.000 Can't even go a whole podcast without looking at our phone.

03:13:31.000 Oh, what's the time is it?

03:13:33.000 You know?

03:13:34.000 It's weird.

03:13:35.000 We're gonna integrate with computers.

03:13:37.000 We're gonna all be living in some weird world.

03:13:39.000 We got this fucking virtual reality thing here now, the HTC vibe.

03:13:43.000 You should try this thing out.

03:13:44.000 It'll freak you the fuck out.

03:13:46.000 You think you're in another place.

03:13:48.000 There's zombie games and games where you're on top of a castle, defending the castle, shooting arrows down at monsters that are coming at you.

03:13:58.000 We're entering into a weird world right now, Joey Diaz.

03:14:01.000 Computers and us.

03:14:02.000 Well, that's nothing.

03:14:02.000 We got too much information, Joe Rogan.

03:14:04.000 That too.

03:14:05.000 We have too much information.

03:14:06.000 It's a part of these things.

03:14:07.000 Too much information.

03:14:08.000 Well, listen.

03:14:08.000 On this thing, I do not have social media.

03:14:11.000 Good for you.

03:14:12.000 You do know that.

03:14:13.000 I only have Twitter around here.

03:14:14.000 Oh, that's social media.

03:14:15.000 I don't have Facebook.

03:14:16.000 I don't have nothing.

03:14:17.000 But that is social media.

03:14:18.000 And I got my hotmail hotmail.

03:14:21.000 Oh, nice.

03:14:22.000 When I tell people hotmail, they go, what the fuck are you talking about?

03:14:26.000 So you limit your interaction.

03:14:28.000 That's good.

03:14:29.000 That's smart.

03:14:30.000 Limit my interaction.

03:14:30.000 On the road, the iPad, no social media.

03:14:34.000 I'm convinced.

03:14:35.000 Netflix and a writing app.

03:14:39.000 That's it?

03:14:40.000 What do you use for a writing app?

03:14:42.000 Whatever app came with it.

03:14:44.000 Writing, whatever.

03:14:44.000 It has sections.

03:14:45.000 I have jokes, books.

03:14:47.000 I have chapters, this, that, thoughts, things I'm working on.

03:14:51.000 Is it notes?

03:14:52.000 Is that what you write on?

03:14:53.000 I don't know what it's called.

03:14:55.000 It looks like yellow paper?

03:14:56.000 No, no, no, no.

03:14:58.000 Notes I have on the phone.

03:14:59.000 Right.

03:15:00.000 And I write on here from time to time, but nothing too fucking crazy.

03:15:02.000 But you write on something that's on an iPad.

03:15:05.000 Yeah.

03:15:06.000 So what I do is I'll write on a notebook in the mornings, and then once I take the baby to whatever, I'll go to the coffee shop and transfer it if I really like it to the iPad, and I'll work on it from there.

03:15:19.000 And then I look at the whole thing as a whole now instead of in a notebook, and I don't know my spelling, and I can't remember what that word was.

03:15:27.000 The social media part is the big part of all this that I'm talking about is that we're just getting closer and closer to each other in some weird ways.

03:15:33.000 This is going to be nothing compared to the next wave.

03:15:36.000 Whatever the next wave is, but they really do figure out a way to integrate either virtual reality or what they're calling augmented reality.

03:15:43.000 Like you'll wear a pair of sunglasses and you can have Google Maps sitting up on it.

03:15:47.000 You can Google things, you can see images, give you navigation.

03:15:52.000 It's going to get real weird, Joey.

03:15:53.000 See, Joe Rogan, I'm still a fan of life.

03:15:56.000 Me too.

03:15:56.000 And it bothers people.

03:15:58.000 And it bothers me when somebody's not a fan of life, so I don't want them around me anymore.

03:16:03.000 Who's not a fan of life?

03:16:04.000 A lot of people.

03:16:04.000 We've forgotten.

03:16:05.000 Really?

03:16:05.000 We've forgotten.

03:16:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:16:06.000 Too many cameras.

03:16:07.000 Yeah.

03:16:08.000 Too many pictures.

03:16:09.000 Too many videos.

03:16:11.000 Listen, I was raised in society.

03:16:12.000 You don't see too many...

03:16:13.000 Really tough to me to find pictures of me as a young kid.

03:16:18.000 Really tough.

03:16:19.000 Yeah, there's not a lot of pictures taken back then.

03:16:21.000 I came from a society where...

03:16:22.000 No, and I came from a society where put the camera away.

03:16:24.000 Right.

03:16:25.000 Good.

03:16:25.000 What's that for?

03:16:26.000 It's a part.

03:16:27.000 Put the camera away.

03:16:28.000 Yeah.

03:16:29.000 Why?

03:16:30.000 Put the camera away.

03:16:31.000 Well, we need more of that backstage, right?

03:16:33.000 Put the camera away.

03:16:34.000 My way.

03:16:35.000 You know, I'm a stern believer.

03:16:37.000 I don't like text messages.

03:16:39.000 Not because I'm a prick or a douchebag.

03:16:41.000 I want to hear Joe Rogan's voice.

03:16:44.000 There's some people I don't want to hear your fucking voice.

03:16:47.000 I want to hear your voice because I know what you're thinking if I hear your voice.

03:16:51.000 I care about you.

03:16:52.000 I care about you too.

03:16:53.000 So I want to hear your voice.

03:16:55.000 I always tell people that I love that thing that you do.

03:16:58.000 You're like my one friend.

03:17:00.000 The only time I ever text you is if you text me first.

03:17:02.000 I'll text you back.

03:17:04.000 But I call you.

03:17:05.000 We talk on the phone.

03:17:06.000 You have to check in.

03:17:08.000 You have to be as human.

03:17:10.000 There's days I don't have nothing on my books.

03:17:13.000 And I don't want to do comedy, but guess what I'll do?

03:17:16.000 I'll push myself, I'll be sore, and I'll push myself to go row.

03:17:21.000 Because that's human contact.

03:17:23.000 And it's the most positive human contact you'll ever have.

03:17:30.000 Right.

03:17:32.000 Think about it.

03:17:33.000 Me and you roll on the street, we're fighting about something.

03:17:36.000 But me and you hit knuckles and I grab your gi and I pull you into my car.

03:17:40.000 Yeah, it's fun.

03:17:41.000 And fucking, that's his human contact.

03:17:43.000 So I know I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to do that tonight.

03:17:45.000 I'm going to write a little bit, maybe spend some time with the girls.

03:17:48.000 Maybe I'm going to take the girls for dinner. 0.96

03:17:50.000 But I also know that I'm going to make myself have that human contact of jiu-jitsu.

03:17:57.000 Oh, you're gay, Joey. 1.00

03:17:58.000 You're just a closet fag because you're rolling with men. 1.00

03:18:01.000 That's great!

03:18:02.000 But I had human contact.

03:18:03.000 I had an emotion.

03:18:04.000 I shook hands with a guy.

03:18:06.000 A guy sweat on me, and I sweat on a man, which builds a certain type of emotion between two men.

03:18:12.000 And they don't have to be homosexual.

03:18:14.000 That's a different type of fucking man.

03:18:16.000 It really is.

03:18:17.000 It is.

03:18:17.000 When you stop what you're doing and go, Joey, [...

03:18:21.000 Get the underhook.

03:18:22.000 And while you're teaching me something, I'm sweating on my fat fucking potato chip sweat.

03:18:28.000 It's landing on Joe Rogan's neck, but you're going, Joey, grab my neck.

03:18:32.000 Ah!

03:18:33.000 Ah!

03:18:34.000 Squeeze! 0.57

03:18:35.000 Ah!

03:18:35.000 There you go.

03:18:37.000 Now do that to me next time. 0.77

03:18:38.000 You know what that does to your psyche as a man?

03:18:42.000 That a man that's beating you is teaching you how to let get out.

03:18:48.000 So, Joe, I got you in this guillotine, but stick your hand there.

03:18:51.000 Go, and you're sweating.

03:18:53.000 And you're like, I can't.

03:18:55.000 I'm tired.

03:18:56.000 No, no, no, no.

03:18:56.000 Just put your hand in there one time.

03:18:58.000 Just squeeze real tight.

03:18:59.000 Ooh, there you go.

03:19:00.000 Joey, Joey, Joey.

03:19:01.000 You're fucking killing me.

03:19:02.000 Jesus, Joe.

03:19:04.000 That's a complete different part of a man.

03:19:06.000 I think so too.

03:19:07.000 I think that that's...

03:19:09.000 I think it's good for you.

03:19:10.000 The human contact.

03:19:12.000 It also alleviates the tension of like, men have tension that they might get into a physical altercation.

03:19:18.000 You don't think that way if you do jujitsu.

03:19:20.000 My gym is great.

03:19:21.000 You relax.

03:19:21.000 Walking, people are scared of vitamin D. This society has scared people of the sunlight.

03:19:26.000 You gotta get out in the sun a little bit.

03:19:29.000 That cures depression.

03:19:31.000 There's depression people talk about.

03:19:33.000 Again, you know how many times I have to be depressed?

03:19:35.000 You know how many times I've had opportunities to call you up and go, I'm depressed.

03:19:39.000 I get depressed for ten fucking minutes. 0.87

03:19:41.000 Then I smoke this dootsu dootsu and expired fucking chibichu and I think of something that you said and I laugh my fucking ass off.

03:19:49.000 You know?

03:19:50.000 On the way up here, I was hide and fuck.

03:19:52.000 And there used to be this guy that used to fuck with me at a body shop as a detailer.

03:19:55.000 Used to fuck with me every day.

03:19:57.000 Couldn't beat him up.

03:19:58.000 He's a lot bigger than I would.

03:20:00.000 So I had to use my mind.

03:20:01.000 So I saw a dead mouse one day.

03:20:03.000 And I took him and I put him in his jacket pocket.

03:20:06.000 And he was driving to work one morning and he went in his pocket for a cigarette and he found the mouse and he crashed his car.

03:20:11.000 Oh.

03:20:18.000 Joey, we're at almost like four hours.

03:20:20.000 Alright, let's get the fuck out of here.

03:20:22.000 Let's get the fuck out of here. 0.85

03:20:23.000 I love you.

03:20:24.000 Thank you very much for having me.

03:20:27.000 Vegas is sold out.

03:20:28.000 Utah is sold out.

03:20:29.000 I'm in Kansas City with you.

03:20:31.000 I'm at the improv while you're doing a theater, so we'll do dinner.

03:20:35.000 Let's get dinner like gentlemen.

03:20:36.000 And then I'm in Nashville and Huntsville, Alabama at the end of the month.

03:20:40.000 But besides that, I'm home.

03:20:41.000 It was a pleasure seeing you.

03:20:42.000 You look great.

03:20:43.000 I love you, brother.

03:20:43.000 And we'll take your offer up and we'll train and we'll have Jamie take some pictures.

03:20:46.000 Yeah, man, we'll do that.

03:20:47.000 We'll come in, we'll do a cycle of the different cardiovascular machines and then we'll do a circuit of the cardiovascular machines and do a circuit of like some kettlebell exercises.

03:20:58.000 Can you do chin-ups?

03:21:00.000 Do you do chin-ups at all?

03:21:00.000 How's your shoulder?

03:21:01.000 Terrible.

03:21:02.000 Terrible?

03:21:02.000 Okay.

03:21:03.000 Have you ever done clubs?

03:21:04.000 You've done clubs?

03:21:05.000 Yes, I have clubs.

03:21:06.000 Aubrey sent me clubs.

03:21:07.000 I do the Alberto Crane club workout.

03:21:10.000 Friday, I'm gonna see my man Joe Schilling and shit.

03:21:12.000 Beautiful.

03:21:13.000 Get a little tune-up from Uncle Joe.

03:21:15.000 Beautiful.

03:21:16.000 We got a bunch of shit on here.

03:21:17.000 We got medicine balls and a heavy bag.

03:21:19.000 Yeah, I see.

03:21:20.000 We'll have a nice workout.

03:21:21.000 Okay, thank you very much.

03:21:22.000 Anytime you want to come down here, man, we can do that.

03:21:23.000 Anytime.

03:21:23.000 What time do you usually get here?

03:21:25.000 I know you drop the girls off and then you shoot right over, right?

03:21:27.000 A lot of times I come here early and work out, but sometimes I can't do it until the afternoon.

03:21:31.000 But we'll work something out.

03:21:31.000 We'll do some shit.

03:21:33.000 And thank you for the experience of Disneyland.

03:21:35.000 Jesus fucking Christ, bro.

03:21:37.000 It's fun, right?

03:21:39.000 But just the way you told me to do it, like I looked at it, my wife's like, what, are you crazy? 1.00

03:21:43.000 I go, listen, the man says there's only one way to do it.

03:21:47.000 I invited our brother, Eddie.

03:21:48.000 We had a great time with the kids.

03:21:50.000 Yeah, I heard it was awesome.

03:21:51.000 I heard it was awesome.

03:21:52.000 Fucking thank you, brother.

03:21:53.000 Thank God for some place like Disneyland when you have kids.

03:21:55.000 When you didn't have kids, you're like, give the fuck about Disneyland.

03:21:58.000 But when you have kids, it's like, oh.

03:22:00.000 Did I tell you they stopped me at the gate because they found an edible on me?

03:22:02.000 Yeah, you did tell me.

03:22:03.000 And then they fucking met me.

03:22:04.000 You had to go back and throw it out.

03:22:06.000 And then I ate half of it.

03:22:07.000 And the guy goes, I didn't see you.

03:22:08.000 Listen, I ate it.

03:22:11.000 I love you.

03:22:11.000 Thank you very much.

03:22:12.000 I love you too, man.

03:22:12.000 Thank you.

03:22:12.000 Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

03:22:14.000 Happy Fourth of July.

03:22:15.000 Bye.

03:22:17.000 That was great.

03:22:18.000 Putting up here.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 03, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1140 - Joey Diaz

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Transcript