The Joe Rogan Experience - July 16, 2018


Joe Rogan Experience #1144 - Doug Stanhope

Topics
smoking cigarettes and aspartame taste trolling Ted Nugent gun violence statistics overpopulation cops comedy store conflict free eBay yard sales Melania Trump body double conspiracy Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh documentary stock market cancel culture drug war catalog credit scam invention scams Pop-Off Vodka Presents video for podcast road gigs education starting over as a stand-up
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Doug Stanhope
Mentioned
Melania Trump Doug Stanhope Ted Nugent Ambien Jamie Cancel Roseanne Barr Douglas Danhope Mitt Romney Alex Jones Obama Joey Scazzola Tom Rhodes Darwin Comedy Store Jordan Peterson Adam Green Super Mormons Owen Benjamin Jesus Christ Bob Friendly and 94 more
Joe Rogan Experience #1143 - Candice Thompson Joe Rogan Experience #1145 - Peter Schiff

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 44 minutes

Words per minute

170.63

Word count

28,029

Sentence count

3,103

Harmful content

Misogyny

78

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,003

sentences flagged

Hate speech

70

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

On this week's episode, the boys are joined by comedian Douglas Danhope to talk about a variety of topics, including the new soda craze, the mayor of Bisbee, AZ, and much, much more. Also, we talk about how much better it is to live in a small town, and the weirdest thing you can do with 5,000 people in a town where half the town hates you because you're not supporting whatever stupid fucking thing they're doing, and you have to see them at Safeway. We also talk about what it's like to be the mayor in a city where half of the town doesn't like you, and it's not even close to as bad as you think it is, and that's a good thing, because it means you get to go out and do stupid things with people you don't really care about. And as always, thank you for listening to this episode of OH YES! We really appreciate it! and we hope you like it. We'll see you next week for our next episode, where we're doing a live show at a coffee shop in the middle of the night. Cheers! -The boys. -Jon Sorrentino and Doug Stambo (feat. John Rocha) Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Music by Zapsplat and Mat McElroy. Please rate, review, review and subscribe to this podcast, and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and tell us what you think about it's good or bad, and what you'd like to hear in the comments section, and we'll hear about it on the next episode. Thank you for your feedback! if you're looking for a good time, please be sure to leave us in the next one, we'll be looking out for us to send us your thoughts on your podcast! or you'll get a shoutout and a review! :) -Jon & Doug - Thank you, Jon and Doug - . Jon & Doug, John R. ( ) -Jon and Doug ( ) - Mike ( ) . . . Jon and Mike ( & the boys ( ) - . . , , , and the boys (and the rest of the crew . ) & more!

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:01.000 Boom.
00:00:01.000 We're live.
00:00:02.000 Here we go.
00:00:03.000 Douglas Danhope smoking cigarettes.
00:00:05.000 I swore that, you know what, I'm going to smoke outside this time.
00:00:11.000 Last time I stunk this place up so badly.
00:00:14.000 It wasn't bad at all.
00:00:15.000 No, afterwards, because he kept saying, no, I got this whole system now.
00:00:20.000 It's not like the old place.
00:00:21.000 Well, it's definitely dissipating.
00:00:22.000 It's definitely dissipating.
00:00:23.000 I see the smoke getting sucked away.
00:00:24.000 But I remember at the end last time, like, yeah, that didn't work as good as I thought it was gonna.
00:00:30.000 You really reeked this place up.
00:00:31.000 Well, it's not perfect.
00:00:33.000 You know, you're always getting cigarettes, you know?
00:00:36.000 Douglas.
00:00:37.000 Where do you get that jacket? 1.00
00:00:38.000 Sugar-free fucking creamer. 1.00
00:00:40.000 Is that sugar-free? 1.00
00:00:41.000 Yeah, sugar-free.
00:00:43.000 That can't be good for you.
00:00:44.000 Well, now I'm gonna put a splash of whiskey in it just to hopefully kill the aspartame taste.
00:00:51.000 Kill the effects?
00:00:54.000 By the way, I occasionally say this on stage, even when there's no joke, but when I'm just angry about it.
00:01:01.000 Stevia is an artificial sweetener. 0.99
00:01:04.000 And it's a big scam where there's no artificial sweeteners, because you hate getting that fucking aspartame taste. 0.99
00:01:12.000 Right. 0.99
00:01:13.000 And then... 1.00
00:01:14.000 But then they have stevia in it because it's natural and it still tastes like shit. 0.99
00:01:19.000 So you're thinking, oh good, it's no artificial sweeteners. 1.00
00:01:23.000 That means it's not, oh it still tastes like shit, but it's natural shit. 0.99
00:01:28.000 Have you ever had Zevia soda? 0.99
00:01:30.000 No, but I'm assuming it's stevia.
00:01:32.000 Yeah, but they nailed it.
00:01:33.000 They figured it out.
00:01:34.000 They really did.
00:01:35.000 It's good.
00:01:36.000 Yeah.
00:01:38.000 It's not Dr. Pepper.
00:01:39.000 I'm skeptical.
00:01:40.000 You should be.
00:01:41.000 You've been burned before.
00:01:42.000 It's not Coca-Cola, but because it tastes lighter.
00:01:47.000 I like it a lot, though.
00:01:48.000 It's good.
00:01:49.000 I don't think we have any here, do we?
00:01:51.000 We're out.
00:01:52.000 We should get some.
00:01:53.000 But that's one of the stevia ones that's good.
00:01:56.000 There's different stevia too, like this stuff stevia right here.
00:01:59.000 I just generally don't drink things that have sugar or need sugar.
00:02:06.000 Unsweetened iced tea is fantastic.
00:02:10.000 Or if it's just juice.
00:02:13.000 Like, with vodka.
00:02:15.000 I use vodka soda with just a tiny splash of either grapefruit or...
00:02:20.000 So there's almost no sugar in it anyway. 0.99
00:02:23.000 I don't drink fucking Coca-Cola. 0.99
00:02:25.000 I'll put a splash in a whiskey, but tiny. 1.00
00:02:29.000 Where if I get fucking hammered on whiskey, I probably drank, you know, four ounces of Coke. 0.87
00:02:35.000 So it's health benefits. 0.98
00:02:37.000 I just avoid...
00:02:38.000 Avoid sugar.
00:02:40.000 Yeah.
00:02:40.000 It fucks up your whiskey.
00:02:44.000 How's things in Bisbee? 0.90
00:02:45.000 Are you the mayor yet?
00:02:47.000 No, we're trying to find someone to run.
00:02:50.000 That would be the worst.
00:02:52.000 It would be like doing a cruise ship comedy. 1.00
00:02:57.000 The worst thing about a cruise ship would be if you sucked, and then you have to be in the buffet line with everyone who saw you suck. 1.00
00:03:06.000 And the whole week you're around people who saw you suck. 1.00
00:03:09.000 That would be the mayor of Bisbee, where half the town hates you. 1.00
00:03:14.000 Because you're not supporting whatever stupid fucking... 1.00
00:03:17.000 And you have to see them at Safeway. 1.00
00:03:19.000 Does your town have a split?
00:03:21.000 Is there like a conservative side of your town and a liberal side of your town?
00:03:25.000 Yeah, that's what makes it work.
00:03:26.000 But it's not usually your usual dynamic of conservative and liberal. 0.70
00:03:35.000 It's not, we hate queers. 0.99
00:03:38.000 It's, you know, the plastic bag ban.
00:03:42.000 Well, you can't tell us we can't have plastic bags, but they're bad for the environment.
00:03:47.000 Well, I don't care, because I'm used to getting a plastic bag. 1.00
00:03:50.000 That kind of shit. 0.99
00:03:52.000 They split over just minutiae and silly shit that bothers you in a small town, and it's hilarious. 1.00
00:03:58.000 How many people in your town? 0.99
00:03:58.000 5,000. 0.99
00:03:59.000 Jesus Christ, that's so little.
00:04:02.000 Yeah.
00:04:03.000 That's amazing.
00:04:04.000 Yeah, it's really good.
00:04:06.000 Do they leave you alone?
00:04:07.000 Or do people still bother you?
00:04:09.000 People show up at your house all the time?
00:04:11.000 Oh, yeah, but not people that live there.
00:04:13.000 Oh, just people from out of town that know who you are.
00:04:17.000 I mean, I have my friends that come by.
00:04:18.000 That's weird too, right?
00:04:19.000 They know they can go to Bisbee and they can meet Doug Stamboe.
00:04:22.000 Like, this is the move.
00:04:23.000 Yeah, there's no more of that open door football.
00:04:27.000 We don't even do football parties anymore.
00:04:29.000 You gave it up?
00:04:30.000 Yeah.
00:04:31.000 Is that too weird?
00:04:32.000 Too many people, even locals.
00:04:34.000 I just end up hosting the whole time and never watching football.
00:04:38.000 Yeah, that's the problem, right? 0.99
00:04:40.000 And fucking clean up. 0.99
00:04:42.000 You have 15 people over. 1.00
00:04:48.000 No one's throwing away their fucking beer cans and shit. 0.99
00:04:52.000 So yeah, there's a lot of dishes. 0.99
00:04:54.000 Or they'd, you know, worse, they'd bring food.
00:04:56.000 Everyone would bring food after a while.
00:04:58.000 But then they'd leave the pan. 0.99
00:05:01.000 So you have to scrub a fucking casserole pan and then try to remember who brought it so you can get it back. 0.99
00:05:10.000 That small town living, is that cave still for sale? 1.00
00:05:13.000 Yes, it is.
00:05:15.000 You still interested?
00:05:16.000 Yeah, if everything goes wrong, that's where I'm going.
00:05:17.000 God, I found another house that's even better because it's right at the end of the runway of the Bisbee Municipal Airport. 0.91
00:05:24.000 So if you had your own little four-seater Cessna, fucking Bill Burr in his helicopter, it had four airplane hangar parking spaces. 0.86
00:05:34.000 So you could fly in, park right in the house, and it was like 2,900 square feet. 0.95
00:05:41.000 They were asking like 400 for it.
00:05:45.000 Indoors, it had its own giant airplane hangar that goes right up to a bar where you could make a stage in there and do full shows.
00:05:54.000 Is this it right here?
00:05:54.000 That's the one!
00:05:58.000 So it's right at the airport?
00:06:00.000 Yeah.
00:06:00.000 What if you hear other people in the middle of the night smuggling in drugs?
00:06:03.000 Go back to that picture. 1.00
00:06:04.000 Dude, that's a fucking nice house. 0.99
00:06:06.000 That is the runway. 1.00
00:06:07.000 Oh wait, no, that's the highway.
00:06:08.000 The runway is to the...
00:06:11.000 Go to the next picture, Jamie?
00:06:13.000 Look at this. 1.00
00:06:14.000 This fucking house is nice. 1.00
00:06:16.000 Look at this place. 1.00
00:06:17.000 Bingo's dad, they flip houses, his parents, so they came down and they went through it. 0.99
00:06:24.000 It's fucking gorgeous. 0.96
00:06:25.000 This is only 400 grand? 1.00
00:06:26.000 You could get it for less.
00:06:28.000 Wow.
00:06:29.000 It's been $4.99.
00:06:32.000 It's beautiful.
00:06:33.000 Dad was saying you could probably get it for $3.75. 0.99
00:06:36.000 The only problem is it's county and not city, so it's got septic and shit. 0.99
00:06:42.000 I'm the worst homeowner. 1.00
00:06:44.000 Ever.
00:06:45.000 I can't do anything.
00:06:46.000 And you started putting that, like, septic on me. 0.99
00:06:49.000 I had a septic in one of my old houses, and the pump broke, and then first the toilet bowl started back up, and then the tub started filling up with piss and shit. 0.99
00:07:02.000 Fun times. 0.97
00:07:04.000 It's like all of a sudden, we're in the bathroom downstairs and the tub starts filling up. 0.99
00:07:09.000 I'm like, what in the fuck is going on? 0.99
00:07:11.000 Was this Colorado? 1.00
00:07:13.000 No.
00:07:14.000 When I was in the hills, I had a house and the septic tank was slightly above the house, so you had a pump to get to the septic tank.
00:07:23.000 So you'd pump the waste into the tank.
00:07:25.000 It's not a good idea.
00:07:27.000 Ideally, they always want the tank to be below, so it's like a natural flow.
00:07:31.000 So the pump broke.
00:07:32.000 So the tank started backing up into the house.
00:07:36.000 Fun times.
00:07:37.000 Yeah, that's the things that I couldn't do.
00:07:41.000 If I did, if I had the money, I would just buy that as, alright, this is our studio.
00:07:46.000 We don't live there.
00:07:47.000 Guests can stay here.
00:07:49.000 We'll make this into a place like this.
00:07:51.000 That's a great idea.
00:07:53.000 Yeah, it would be. 1.00
00:07:54.000 Get a fucking airplane, Douglas. 1.00
00:07:56.000 Can you fly? 1.00
00:07:57.000 No, but I know a pilot.
00:07:59.000 Ooh, better.
00:08:00.000 Better than flying.
00:08:01.000 He actually has a real gig now.
00:08:03.000 He would come down, he was a fan, and he would fly into Bisbee from Tucson just to get his hours.
00:08:11.000 Oh, wow.
00:08:12.000 To get his commercial license.
00:08:15.000 And he came to not a Super Bowl party.
00:08:19.000 The last special I taped, he came down, flew down with a bunch of his friends.
00:08:24.000 We taped it in Bisbee, my last special.
00:08:27.000 So the next morning, he flew back over the house, and he had put Stan and Hope under each wing, and he buzzed our house.
00:08:36.000 It was very cool.
00:08:38.000 That's awesome.
00:08:38.000 But now he's a commercial guy for SkyWest, the Delta partner, and he actually picked me up at the airport when I flew back from Hawaii.
00:08:48.000 So he was learning how to fly, and now all of a sudden he's a professional?
00:08:51.000 Yeah, and that's how he had to build up ours.
00:08:54.000 So he'd take these...
00:08:56.000 How many hours do you get before you get to fly a jumbo jet across the ocean?
00:09:01.000 I didn't ask him a lot of questions other than, hey, can you fly me to LA like if I needed to?
00:09:05.000 You want to talk about underappreciated people, the people that know how to pilot the planes.
00:09:11.000 1,500 hours?
00:09:13.000 That's it? 0.99
00:09:16.000 And they make dick for money. 1.00
00:09:18.000 I know. 0.99
00:09:18.000 You ever read those stories where, like, in New York, where they have these, like, single rooms with, like, eight bunk beds? 0.99
00:09:26.000 It's all pilots living in there? 0.94
00:09:27.000 Yeah, when they have to lay over because they can't afford.
00:09:33.000 What is this, Jamie?
00:09:34.000 $1,500 for main and $250.
00:09:35.000 $1,500 for hours?
00:09:37.000 Only $250 for commercial, so I think that's non-transporting people, maybe. 1.00
00:09:42.000 $250 of flight time.
00:09:45.000 That doesn't seem like a lot.
00:09:47.000 Remember how bad you drived when you were 20?
00:09:50.000 How bad did you drive when you were 20?
00:09:53.000 Pretty good.
00:09:54.000 It's terrible. 0.99
00:09:54.000 I remember driving piece of shit cars with no worries. 0.99
00:10:00.000 Now, just to go to the store, I'd go, we're not going to make it. 0.99
00:10:04.000 We're not going to make it in this car. 0.92
00:10:07.000 I used to buy a lot of shitty cars to deliver newspapers in. 0.52
00:10:10.000 So I'd buy a car for like 300 bucks and just beat it into the ground and get rid of it. 0.56
00:10:14.000 I would do that when I lived on the road and doing triple gigs where I'd have to drive 11 hours from Arizona to...
00:10:27.000 Southern Wyoming.
00:10:28.000 And hope the car makes it.
00:10:30.000 And you can see the ground through the passenger side.
00:10:33.000 Floor is rusted out.
00:10:35.000 You can actually see pavement.
00:10:37.000 And you drive those cars forever until they died and then hitchhike to the next town and hope you know a comic there that can get you to the city for the gig.
00:10:47.000 Could you have ever imagined when you were 21 or however old you were when you first started doing The Road, that one day you would look back on those horrible nights with, like, nostalgia?
00:10:57.000 I knew it then.
00:10:59.000 I knew it was nostalgic then.
00:11:01.000 I didn't.
00:11:02.000 I was shamed.
00:11:04.000 I didn't, uh... 0.98
00:11:07.000 I just was like, I'm a loser. 0.86
00:11:09.000 I wasn't enjoying it at all.
00:11:11.000 I think there's probably a big difference between doing it on the East Coast and Boston and congestion rather than the great wide open of Montana and Idaho.
00:11:23.000 The shows are probably bleaker, though.
00:11:27.000 We had shows, you would do a lot of road gigs, but they were good gigs.
00:11:33.000 The boom of the late 80s, I started in 88, and I started doing gigs on the road, like hell gigs on the road in probably like 89. And there was a lot of gigs back then that were really good.
00:11:47.000 You would go somewhere, there'd be 300 people, it'd be a great crowd, 150 people in a bar, everybody's there, they love comedy night.
00:11:54.000 Some of them were really good.
00:11:56.000 But it's just the never knowing if you're going to make enough money to pay the bills and the stress of being poor.
00:12:05.000 Yeah, I didn't have a lot of bills living out of my car.
00:12:08.000 Well, that's a way to do it.
00:12:09.000 There's a lot of downtime and a lot of questionable choices in ladies just because you needed a place to stay for four days before El Paso. 1.00
00:12:20.000 Dangerous gigolo days.
00:12:22.000 The gigolo days of Doug Stanhope.
00:12:25.000 Yeah.
00:12:27.000 The travel on the road thing is such a...
00:12:30.000 You get a view of the country that if you really stop and think about it, like how many different places you've been and your understanding of America.
00:12:39.000 Like you've been everywhere.
00:12:40.000 You've been to all the different spots.
00:12:42.000 Get a chance.
00:12:42.000 Okay, this is how they rock it over here.
00:12:44.000 Alright, this is how they do it in Detroit.
00:12:46.000 This is how they are in New Orleans is different.
00:12:48.000 Oh, Connecticut's a little different.
00:12:50.000 And then you put it all together and you get America. 0.99
00:12:52.000 But if you're just like a dude who just like parks it in Columbus, Ohio and fucking that's that. 0.99
00:12:58.000 And all you know is CNN and TMZ. Fuck! 1.00
00:13:02.000 This is what the country's coming to! 1.00
00:13:05.000 These fucking libs! 1.00
00:13:05.000 These fucking libs with their fucking new rules! 1.00
00:13:10.000 When you're out amongst people, no one really gives a fuck. 1.00
00:13:14.000 No one gives a fuck. 0.99
00:13:15.000 It's bar chatter at best, but you never run into people that are actually affected. 0.98
00:13:23.000 Unless you're looking for it.
00:13:24.000 Yeah.
00:13:25.000 Most of the time it's a non-issue, but it's the most pressing issue.
00:13:31.000 Because it can shift the country one way or another.
00:13:34.000 That's what's weird about it.
00:13:35.000 But no one gives a fuck about things that actually affect them locally. 0.98
00:13:40.000 The thing that sets that guy off to bitch about Trump or bitch about Hillary is he forgot to move his car on street. 1.00
00:13:48.000 Street sweeping day, but he never goes down to petition city council about, hey, this is fucked up. 0.99
00:13:53.000 The stop sign was obscured, Your Honor, and I wouldn't have run the stop sign, but there's a fucking branch in front of it, and you need to cut that down, and I get a ticket, and I can't afford the ticket, and it's the economy. 0.99
00:14:06.000 Fucking Trump, or whatever. 0.99
00:14:08.000 They just bring it to the highest level. 0.99
00:14:10.000 Well, one of the things that I've realized by talking to people that really understand how things work, like economics, like I talked to Peter Schiff yesterday, the economist.
00:14:19.000 Yeah, I had him on my podcast.
00:14:21.000 Really interesting guy.
00:14:22.000 No, no, I didn't have him.
00:14:24.000 You never had him on?
00:14:24.000 No, I didn't have him.
00:14:25.000 He's a fun guy.
00:14:26.000 You could talk to him.
00:14:27.000 He's never drunk in Bisbee.
00:14:29.000 He would get drunk.
00:14:30.000 Yeah, no, he's a really smart guy.
00:14:32.000 I mean, he's a very successful guy, but he's right there.
00:14:34.000 He's right there.
00:14:35.000 Like, when you talk to him, like, first time we did a show, we got drunk.
00:14:39.000 We decided to have a couple drinks and lighten up, because he was doing this, like, Fox News, CNN thing they do, where they have these five-minute panels.
00:14:45.000 We just have to rattle off statistics.
00:14:46.000 You have to tell the people, the problem isn't economics.
00:14:48.000 The problem isn't... 1.00
00:14:49.000 Like, he's a wizard at that shit. 1.00
00:14:51.000 We had to calm him down. 1.00
00:14:52.000 I'm like, dude, we're here for a long time.
00:14:53.000 And so let's get a drink.
00:14:55.000 Let's get a drink.
00:14:55.000 Had a little Jack Daniels.
00:14:56.000 Then he loosened up.
00:14:58.000 He set up a video that said, I'm the 1%.
00:15:02.000 Ask me anything.
00:15:05.000 Is that what he said?
00:15:05.000 Something like that?
00:15:07.000 So he went to Occupy Wall Street and set up a thing that's just talking to people about economics.
00:15:12.000 Like, no, no, no.
00:15:12.000 This is how you think it works.
00:15:14.000 This is how it really works.
00:15:15.000 This is what I realized talking to people like that. 0.97
00:15:17.000 There's no fucking way you could be on the ball with all this stuff. 0.92
00:15:21.000 With Congress and the Senate and all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes and the lobbyists, you would have to be fully immersed in it. 0.98
00:15:29.000 You'd have to be fully immersed in it and then fully immersed in the stock market to have any kind of an argument one way or another.
00:15:35.000 And most people are just having these half-assed, half-cocked, shitty, thought-out arguments about almost everything they talk about. 0.74
00:15:45.000 Including me. 0.93
00:15:46.000 Especially on this podcast, many, many times.
00:15:49.000 But this is something that we...
00:15:51.000 It's standard. 1.00
00:15:52.000 There's too much shit to know. 1.00
00:15:54.000 There's too much fucking... 1.00
00:15:55.000 When it comes to, like, politics, like, you pretend you understand politics, like, how long have they been trying to unravel this Russia thing? 0.99
00:16:03.000 Like a year?
00:16:04.000 I've tuned out completely.
00:16:05.000 I know I don't know, and I don't care enough to try to learn.
00:16:09.000 I got to a place, I went through a period of, you know, back in our conspiracy theory days, and then I learned a little bit, but anything that's, I really don't know how government works.
00:16:23.000 It's so hard to know.
00:16:25.000 It's so hard to know. 0.96
00:16:27.000 But I mean, just elementary school fucking, you know, I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill. 0.98
00:16:35.000 I still don't even know what that fucking meant. 0.99
00:16:37.000 I gotta stop talking about shit I don't know. 0.99
00:16:40.000 And you're probably paying attention to it more than most people. 0.99
00:16:42.000 I was for a minute.
00:16:43.000 Yeah.
00:16:44.000 Well, most people, the president or anybody just represents what they like.
00:16:48.000 Like, I like a nice guy. 0.89
00:16:50.000 Oh, I like a no-bullshit guy. 0.74
00:16:53.000 Okay.
00:16:53.000 And then you just find whoever best fits that mold and you support them.
00:16:58.000 It's a class president.
00:16:59.000 Who's the most popular?
00:17:00.000 Yeah.
00:17:01.000 It's fascinating, though.
00:17:04.000 Yeah, I think if... 1.00
00:17:08.000 If Trump was any Republican that wasn't a fucking asshole but stood for the same principles, there would be no outrage. 1.00
00:17:16.000 They hate his personality first, which I'm not against you. 1.00
00:17:21.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:17:21.000 Yeah, he's a fucking loser, but he's the one you created. 1.00
00:17:25.000 We were just talking about, and I mentioned it on stage here and again, that Trump makes me happy sometimes in that He's a product of everything, like, what's that, Le'Veon Ball, 1.00
00:17:41.000 that fucking, like, basketball dad? 0.99
00:17:43.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:17:43.000 Like, he's famous just because he's a fucking asshole, and he knows, hey, if I keep being a fucking asshole, the more I'm gonna get noticed. 1.00
00:17:52.000 And Ann Coulter, who just says, or Tom Likas, or the Nuge, we were just talking about, you had the Nuge on? 1.00
00:17:58.000 Yeah.
00:17:59.000 People say outrageous things just to get attention.
00:18:02.000 And it works.
00:18:03.000 And you feed the trolls, and then all of a sudden you elect the trolls. 1.00
00:18:07.000 So fuck you. 1.00
00:18:08.000 It's all you people that watch TMZ and fucking buy a tabloid because fucking so-and-so said something outrageous again. 1.00
00:18:16.000 But it's a natural instinct to do that. 0.99
00:18:19.000 You know, I was telling you before the show, Ted Nugent is a nice guy.
00:18:22.000 He's like a really nice guy.
00:18:24.000 God, do you remember trolling his message board from your message board?
00:18:27.000 You trolled his message board and you were giving instructions on how other people should troll his message board.
00:18:34.000 They were so, like, they were MAGA before MAGA was MAGA. Like, they were Make America Great.
00:18:40.000 I had a bit about it in my act about not needing the draft.
00:18:45.000 He'd just show up at Ted Nugent concerts and scoop him up in nets.
00:18:50.000 It was something along the way.
00:18:53.000 They're going to take away NASCAR. I forget the bit.
00:18:57.000 Do you even have a message board?
00:19:00.000 No, it's over.
00:19:01.000 Do they even exist?
00:19:02.000 Because your message board would troll.
00:19:06.000 I got on board with the trolling Ted Nugent's message board.
00:19:10.000 I would pass him aggressively.
00:19:12.000 I would backhand...
00:19:14.000 You know, insult him by going, hey, we got to band together and get the nudge back on the airwaves.
00:19:22.000 It's no fair.
00:19:23.000 All these, you know, rage against the machine wannabes are getting all the airplay.
00:19:29.000 And when I call to request a true rock and roll legend like Ted Nugent, they laugh me off the phone.
00:19:36.000 And it's no fair that all these guys are selling out arenas and Ted Nugent is stuck at some...
00:19:43.000 State Fair playing beside a Tilt-A-Whirl and an Andy Gump.
00:19:48.000 To a handful of people.
00:19:55.000 So I'm pro-rooting people to get Nuge more notice, but at the same time... 1.00
00:20:01.000 Shit, I got him. 1.00
00:20:02.000 He's playing 35 people at the fucking Arkansas State Fair. 1.00
00:20:06.000 It's no... 1.00
00:20:10.000 I need to answer you.
00:20:12.000 By the way, I play to a lot more than 35 people.
00:20:16.000 That was the early days of people understanding message boards.
00:20:21.000 Understanding how they worked.
00:20:25.000 That's right.
00:20:26.000 I'm glad he never brought that up.
00:20:28.000 I wouldn't have been able to defend it.
00:20:33.000 Yeah, well, that's Doug.
00:20:35.000 What are you gonna do?
00:20:37.000 He's my friend.
00:20:38.000 Sorry, dude.
00:20:42.000 I think what we were talking about before is that a lot of people are nice people.
00:20:46.000 This is their act.
00:20:48.000 Their act is say outrageous things, get people to pay attention to them, and then it becomes...
00:20:54.000 It's such a lousy trick, though. 0.98
00:20:57.000 I just feel like it's so fucking lazy. 0.98
00:21:00.000 Well, I think it's not all that. 0.96
00:21:03.000 It's like they believe that, and they also, like...
00:21:07.000 I believe Ted believes most of what he's saying.
00:21:10.000 But I think he also says things in an outrageous manner because that's part of his showbiz style.
00:21:16.000 Like, he's the Motor City Madman. 0.99
00:21:17.000 You know, he's a wild motherfucker that's gonna tell you like it is. 1.00
00:21:21.000 And he believes a lot of what he says. 1.00
00:21:23.000 And he makes sense about many things.
00:21:26.000 But then he goes...
00:21:28.000 You know, he goes, hey, Wire, what's that?
00:21:29.000 But when you're with him, you're like, oh, you're a nice guy.
00:21:32.000 Like, he's a genuinely nice guy. 0.97
00:21:34.000 And as much as he says crazy shit, he's got his, you know, he believes he's supporting the intelligent side of the message that you should be able to have guns if you're a responsible, law-abiding person. 0.98
00:21:45.000 And part of me is like, yeah, you should be, yeah. 0.99
00:21:48.000 But maybe, you know, maybe the problem is, just like we were talking about people running for president, you don't really get the nuanced stance of who a person is.
00:21:56.000 From these campaign ads or debates or anything.
00:21:59.000 You get this image, this flash thing.
00:22:03.000 Almost everybody's alright if you get to know him. 0.96
00:22:07.000 I'm saying he has no reason to have his opinion Like, he has to be a dick just to keep himself, like, Kilroy in the public eye. 0.96
00:22:17.000 Right, he's got to kind of say outrageous things. 0.96
00:22:19.000 Alex Jones would be a... 0.99
00:22:20.000 Like, Alex Jones is a guy who maybe now he believes more than he should about his own bullshit, but he created that. 0.99
00:22:28.000 Like, that's what... 0.99
00:22:30.000 He created his own art form and made himself... 0.89
00:22:33.000 Ted Nugent is a guy who had two shitty songs in 1977. Dude, how dare you? 0.96
00:22:38.000 Stranglehold is not a shitty song.
00:22:40.000 I'm desperate to stay in the spotlight.
00:22:43.000 He's like a Kathy Griffin clawing his...
00:22:46.000 Look at me!
00:22:47.000 Please notice me!
00:22:49.000 I'm still relevant, right?
00:22:51.000 But they go to him for opinions, man.
00:22:53.000 I mean, there's a reason why, like, anytime there's a gun control debate, they go to Ted Nugent.
00:22:57.000 He's good at it.
00:22:57.000 Because he's gonna say the outrageous thing.
00:22:59.000 Not just that, he's good at it, man.
00:23:01.000 It's easy to write him off like that.
00:23:03.000 The problem is, like, when he debates people about gun control, he knows actual statistics.
00:23:09.000 And the actual statistics are confusing.
00:23:10.000 Because you find out that there's, at a gun violence death, a giant chunk of them are suicide.
00:23:15.000 And then there's gang violence, is the other ones.
00:23:18.000 And then it gets down to actual gun violence.
00:23:21.000 And then the numbers, they're weird.
00:23:24.000 They're not what you would want them to be.
00:23:25.000 You want them to be cut and dry.
00:23:27.000 Like people are using guns and crimes of passion and school shootings, and that's why there's guns.
00:23:32.000 You need to take them off the table.
00:23:33.000 Man, a lot of what we attribute to deaths are suicides. 0.98
00:23:37.000 It's fucking dark how many people pull the trigger. 0.96
00:23:39.000 You know, and a lot of gun violence is that. 0.99
00:23:42.000 And then there's, we were talking about Chicago, how crazy Chicago is.
00:23:46.000 What was the number again?
00:23:47.000 1000, what was it?
00:23:49.000 I don't know, because I had another stat that I was waiting to pull up that day that was crazier to me.
00:23:54.000 From like 1970 roughly to about 89, the murders in New York City was almost triple that.
00:24:00.000 It was like 2,245 was the highest it was.
00:24:02.000 Oh yeah, in the 70s New York was crazy.
00:24:05.000 Yeah.
00:24:05.000 It was like average 8,900 I think in Chicago is what it is.
00:24:09.000 But there was one year, there was 1,500 in a year, right?
00:24:12.000 Yeah, I think so.
00:24:13.000 Yeah, there's one particularly high.
00:24:14.000 And it's way more than dying in Afghanistan.
00:24:17.000 Way more than dying in Iraq.
00:24:18.000 It's in Chicago.
00:24:21.000 This is like, for whatever reason, it barely gets our attention. 0.98
00:24:26.000 Guys like him are important for getting that message out, even if he does it in this fucked up way. 0.83
00:24:32.000 We need to look at what this thing is. 0.95
00:24:35.000 We definitely have a gun problem in this country, but I don't think either side is right about what it is. 0.99
00:24:42.000 I think we have a fucking human problem. 0.99
00:24:44.000 The fact that humans are just running around shooting people is the problem. 1.00
00:24:47.000 It's not the fact that we're smart enough to figure out guns.
00:24:51.000 Well, every time me and Chad Shank get drunk and have one of these conversations late into the night, it always boils down to overpopulation.
00:25:00.000 There's too many people. 0.99
00:25:01.000 Whatever the issue is, somehow we can always boil it down to, yeah, but there's too many fucking people. 0.99
00:25:07.000 Well, for sure. 0.98
00:25:09.000 We don't value people when the numbers are so high.
00:25:14.000 You value your close-knit group of friends, right?
00:25:17.000 That's the romantic thing.
00:25:18.000 When there's 20 million people and you can't get anywhere, like L.A., you don't value people as much.
00:25:24.000 Yeah, I did a bit about that.
00:25:26.000 You love a kitten.
00:25:28.000 And if you get a pet kitten and you come home every night, oh, Mr. Bimbles, you make me so happy.
00:25:34.000 But if you came back to that same bachelor apartment of 300 square feet and there were 800 kittens in there, you couldn't kill kittens quick enough.
00:25:43.000 Get my golf shoes.
00:25:45.000 I'm stomping kittens. 1.00
00:25:46.000 These fucking things suck. 1.00
00:25:49.000 That's so true. 1.00
00:25:50.000 People are the same.
00:25:51.000 They're just like currency.
00:25:53.000 Yeah, well, that's why what you've done is a wise move by moving to a town of 5,000.
00:25:57.000 That's very manageable. 0.95
00:25:58.000 I fucking love it. 0.95
00:25:59.000 I love knowing my neighbors. 0.97
00:26:01.000 Yeah, it's very manageable, too.
00:26:03.000 Like, what you've chosen to do is smart.
00:26:06.000 I don't think big cities are manageable.
00:26:08.000 I think people just put their blinders on and they just get weird.
00:26:11.000 They just get weird.
00:26:12.000 And some people say, well, I get energy from the city.
00:26:15.000 I'm like, I totally get that.
00:26:17.000 You go to New York City, I totally get it.
00:26:19.000 You walk around, there's a buzz.
00:26:20.000 There's so many people, it's a buzz.
00:26:21.000 Oh, it's dreadful to me.
00:26:23.000 I get a buzz of anger and murder.
00:26:28.000 It doesn't bother me that much, but it does overwhelm me.
00:26:30.000 I'm very claustrophobic, and the more I age, the more things, it just gets worse.
00:26:36.000 Well, it's also such a direct contrast to the way you live, you know?
00:26:41.000 But I've always...
00:26:43.000 Just going out to smoke a cigarette and you can't...
00:26:47.000 You're afraid you're going to burn someone because you've sublet your personal space and people are walking that close to you. 0.99
00:26:54.000 You try to get in a door jam just so you don't burn a fucking pedestrian with your cigarette. 0.97
00:27:00.000 There's no way out of like, there's no way of thinning that out either. 0.98
00:27:04.000 Unless they make it so outrageously expensive that literally half the people can't.
00:27:09.000 They are trying.
00:27:10.000 I mean, that's the crazy thing is so many people want to be there and there's so many people there that they could just keep jacking the rents up and jacking the real estate payments up.
00:27:22.000 What I was saying about Ted Nugent and you were saying about Tom Likas and a lot of these other people, it's It's real easy to write somebody off.
00:27:34.000 It's real easy to write people off.
00:27:36.000 I'm trying to do less of that.
00:27:38.000 I'm trying to get to a point like, when do you let someone...
00:27:41.000 When do you decide...
00:27:45.000 Who did you have on recently?
00:27:47.000 Someone's like, yeah, I don't like him anymore because now he has so-and-so on his podcast.
00:27:53.000 You had someone that...
00:27:55.000 Some random person was going...
00:27:57.000 For everybody, there's a person like that.
00:27:59.000 For some people, it's a hardcore lefty.
00:28:02.000 It was someone... 0.99
00:28:03.000 I know they didn't even listen to the fucking show, but... 0.99
00:28:06.000 Jordan Peterson? 0.99
00:28:07.000 Was it him? 1.00
00:28:08.000 Is he like a fucking Nazi guy or something? 1.00
00:28:10.000 No. 1.00
00:28:11.000 Well, like an alt writer?
00:28:12.000 No, sometimes people think he is, but it probably wasn't him.
00:28:17.000 It was probably someone more controversial like Ben Shapiro or Steven Crowder or one of those guys.
00:28:22.000 But none of them are Nazis.
00:28:24.000 Jordan Peterson is much more of a centrist than anything.
00:28:27.000 He's not right.
00:28:30.000 You know what a classic liberal is?
00:28:34.000 The idea of treating people as the individual instead of Collective instead of a group instead of a Identifying with a group of whatever no matter what it is Treat people as individuals and he's a big proponent of personal responsibility and treating people as individuals and because of that and because of some of the things he said about They're trying to enforce Pronouns for transgender people like ones that they made up like a bunch of them There was a bill that 0.98
00:29:04.000 was a human rights violation thing, you know, because they have that Human Rights Council in Canada, and he was arguing this is a slippery slope.
00:29:14.000 You can't compel people to use made-up words.
00:29:17.000 You can't just decide that you're going to make up a bunch of gender pronouns and then get people to say it.
00:29:22.000 And who makes them up?
00:29:23.000 There's like 78 of them, apparently, that Facebook accepts.
00:29:27.000 Like there's Z-H-I-R, Z-I-R-E, there's like, just make them up. 1.00
00:29:32.000 Like anybody can make them up.
00:29:33.000 What do you want?
00:29:33.000 This?
00:29:34.000 Oh yeah, thanks.
00:29:35.000 Yeah, and so, because it's controversial, because people said, oh you're picking on trans people, and he's like, no I'm not.
00:29:42.000 I fully support your right to be a trans person.
00:29:45.000 I just don't want to use these bloody made-up words, is what he was saying.
00:29:49.000 And he felt like this is a slippery slope to controlling people's behavior.
00:29:53.000 And it starts like this, and they shame you into thinking their way, and there's a group think part of it involved. 0.96
00:29:59.000 So because of that, he got so lumped into this alt-right idea that, oh, he's the guy who hates transgender people. 0.65
00:30:07.000 It's just like we were talking about people running for president.
00:30:09.000 You don't really get to see who the real person is.
00:30:12.000 You get to see this surface, oh, he's the no-nonsense guy, I'll take him.
00:30:16.000 That's what they do with him. 0.99
00:30:17.000 I go, he's the guy who hates transgender folks. 0.97
00:30:20.000 He doesn't at all. 0.95
00:30:21.000 If you really wanted to...
00:30:23.000 You would never know a candidate's true intentions if they were a good candidate. 0.99
00:30:30.000 If they were a crafty politician, I would go out and say, whatever the fuck, if it worked for Trump, I'll do it better. 1.00
00:30:38.000 And I'll say shit like that, and then I'll just be lying. 1.00
00:30:41.000 Right. 1.00
00:30:42.000 I'm going to deport everyone.
00:30:44.000 Okay.
00:30:44.000 It's Holocaust 3, whatever they want to hear, and then you go and go, I'm just kidding, and then you do the right thing.
00:30:50.000 Yeah.
00:30:51.000 I was kind of hoping Trump would do it.
00:30:52.000 I think you could manipulate his ego to a point where you could get him to do your bidding just by saying, oh, you're getting good numbers by doing this, and the left hates this, so yeah, you should legalize marijuana, and he wouldn't need logic.
00:31:09.000 He'd just need to have his ego fed, and he'd do all the right things.
00:31:13.000 I think that's one he's holding in his back pocket, the legalized marijuana.
00:31:17.000 I think as we get closer to the election, I think he makes marijuana federally legal. 1.00
00:31:22.000 And I think if he does that, the stoners just fucking raise their arms in the air and they go, fuck it, I'm going with Trump. 0.99
00:31:29.000 Do you just know how much that'll change the world? 1.00
00:31:31.000 Just that.
00:31:32.000 And they still won't vote.
00:31:34.000 Yeah, they still won't vote.
00:31:35.000 I know a lot of people complained they didn't vote.
00:31:40.000 I don't think I voted.
00:31:47.000 No, I did.
00:31:49.000 You should be able to vote online.
00:31:52.000 It should be very simple.
00:31:54.000 It should be a thing you fill out with your social security card number. 1.00
00:31:58.000 You use a face ID thing from a fucking laptop. 0.99
00:32:02.000 You can do it on your phone. 1.00
00:32:02.000 You can call an 800 number like American Idol. 1.00
00:32:06.000 Well, that's, you know...
00:32:08.000 I think it'd be nice if you knew for sure.
00:32:11.000 Most people have a laptop with a camera on it or a webcam somewhere.
00:32:16.000 They're not hard.
00:32:17.000 You get a USB webcam.
00:32:18.000 They're cheap.
00:32:19.000 They're pretty cheap now. 0.99
00:32:21.000 And you just do that and you fucking vote that way. 0.99
00:32:24.000 That wouldn't be hard to do. 0.99
00:32:25.000 They'd be able to come up with software that could read your face and know if it's you.
00:32:30.000 A lot of laptops even have fingerprint sensors now. 0.99
00:32:33.000 You could fucking vote online. 0.99
00:32:34.000 They don't want you to. 0.99
00:32:36.000 They want it as difficult and confusing as possible.
00:32:39.000 They want to keep it this convoluted mess.
00:32:42.000 Yeah, you get to take time off of work.
00:32:43.000 They want you to just go like this all the time.
00:32:46.000 What is this?
00:32:47.000 What are we doing?
00:32:48.000 They don't want, like, smooth sailing, everything sorted out, everybody doing well.
00:32:54.000 No, they want, like you were saying, how your town works, because you got left and right.
00:32:57.000 They want it.
00:32:58.000 They want a little, just a little debate.
00:33:01.000 Yeah, you get people wearing sidearms at Safeway, like, just, just because they can.
00:33:07.000 Well, you're in Arizona, yeah.
00:33:09.000 So you get that kind of redneck element, but it's not a Trump versus Hillary. 0.63
00:33:15.000 Obviously, in that small town, there's no Black Lives Matter rallies, but people still go out and protest for Red for Ed for the teacher thing.
00:33:28.000 See, that sidearm thing can work in a limited amount of people.
00:33:33.000 If you're walking around...
00:33:47.000 Yeah.
00:33:53.000 Yeah, but they keep going.
00:33:55.000 It's the old Carlin bit where he's like, people bitching about they're going to build a prison in our community.
00:34:01.000 And if they escape, they're not going to be hanging around.
00:34:04.000 They're going to keep going.
00:34:06.000 That is true, because you're only like seven miles.
00:34:08.000 I'm sure I did that a huge injustice.
00:34:11.000 I'm sure I'm misquoting Carlin, but something to that effect.
00:34:14.000 But yeah, you see undocumented aliens getting busted, but there's no... 1.00
00:34:19.000 You know, fucking drug war shit going on. 1.00
00:34:22.000 They'll confiscate weed out of a false bottom fake gas tank at the checkpoint. 1.00
00:34:28.000 I know guys who have been camping on the border, camping near the border on the U.S. side, and had run-ins with people who were coming across.
00:34:37.000 They said some of them got real sketchy.
00:34:40.000 Because basically, they're coming across constantly, all the time.
00:34:45.000 If you're there, these guys were on a deer hunting trip, and they just said they were just running into people all the time.
00:34:53.000 They were looking for water.
00:34:55.000 People leave water out where they come across.
00:35:00.000 Wow. 0.95
00:35:01.000 And every other house in our neighborhood has humanitarian aid is never a crime because you're not supposed to fucking leave water out in the desert in case someone's dying. 0.96
00:35:12.000 You're not supposed to? 0.95
00:35:13.000 They tell you not to?
00:35:14.000 I don't know exactly what the law is, but there's placards.
00:35:18.000 Just like every election is vote for Mayor Joe and vote for Bill for City Council.
00:35:23.000 This humanitarian aid is never a crime.
00:35:26.000 And I don't know what the law was or what exactly. 0.97
00:35:31.000 That's some dark shit when you're telling people don't give them water. 0.99
00:35:34.000 Have you seen that video of Border Patrol people fucking just going out and dumping out water that people have left in the desert? 1.00
00:35:44.000 And laughing about it, like, fuck you. 1.00
00:35:47.000 Yeah, they're just... 1.00
00:35:49.000 Did you see the Border Patrol agent that ran over the guy?
00:35:53.000 That was a video that just came out last week.
00:35:55.000 No, I didn't see that at all. 0.62
00:35:57.000 Yeah, on one of the reservations, one of the Indian reservations, on one of the Border Patrol roads, the guy was filming, and the car's coming right at me, and then it fucking hits him, and then turns around, and he got it all on tape, the guy that he actually hit... 0.65
00:36:13.000 Drove off. 0.89
00:36:15.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
00:36:16.000 There's some fucking assholes. 1.00
00:36:17.000 A lot of people, assholes gravitate. 1.00
00:36:20.000 Just like child molesters gravitate towards preschool teacher and priest. 1.00
00:36:26.000 Fucking assholes gravitate towards cop and border... 1.00
00:36:31.000 anywhere they can... 1.00
00:36:32.000 Oh, look at this.
00:36:35.000 Boom.
00:36:36.000 Is that him standing up? 0.99
00:36:39.000 And now laying down after the border patrol fucking runs over him. 1.00
00:36:42.000 That is crazy. 1.00
00:36:48.000 That is crazy. 0.96
00:36:51.000 I can't like I have a hard time I'll get into going down wormholes of You know bad cops and fucking do get a patrol and hit like that I Mean that you you are you're making a decision to shatter a person's body probably forever You're hitting someone that hard with a with a truck that guy's got probably everything's probably broken It's probably and it's not a dirt road where it's yeah, 0.95
00:37:15.000 like he did it on purpose. 0.87
00:37:16.000 There's no other excuse No, I did it on purpose Yeah, I have too much hate in my life. 1.00
00:37:27.000 Sometimes I just have to ignore shit. 1.00
00:37:32.000 You just wake up in the morning and I get on Newser and I click on fucking cop-throws-a-guy-through-a-play-class-window kind of shit and beatings. 1.00
00:37:45.000 You know, I've said this a hundred times, but it's worth repeating. 1.00
00:37:49.000 I don't think most people are qualified to be cops. 0.99
00:37:52.000 I think it's a really fucking hard job, and I think the pressure of it fucks people up. 0.98
00:37:56.000 Even if they did go into that job, if they gravitated towards it because they were bullies, which I'm sure a certain percentage do. 0.99
00:38:03.000 I think for most of them, it's just a good job, and they think they can pull it off.
00:38:07.000 I've met a lot of cops that are good guys.
00:38:09.000 But I think the pressure of that job and being shot at all the time and worrying every time you pull somebody over you're gonna get shot.
00:38:17.000 And everybody's seen those videos of people pulling people over and they pull out a gun and kill the cop.
00:38:22.000 There's one that's haunting, man.
00:38:24.000 The guy pulls over this Vietnam vet.
00:38:27.000 And he starts, he starts screaming for the guy to get back in the car, and the guy pulls out a rifle, and the guy just starts shooting at him, and he gets hit, and he's screaming, just almost, stop it, stop it, stop it!
00:38:39.000 And the guy just keeps shooting the cop while all this is happening, and the guy's like screaming for his life while this guy's just gunning him down, like, man, tell me these cops haven't seen this? 1.00
00:38:48.000 They're all fucked up! 0.99
00:38:49.000 And it's, it becomes almost like a game, and the game is, I'm trying to score on you. 1.00
00:38:55.000 It's like you're playing one-on-one basketball or you're doing jujitsu or something.
00:39:00.000 You're trying to score on somebody.
00:39:01.000 And the score on them is, I think you're up to something no good.
00:39:03.000 Let me see.
00:39:04.000 Spread your legs.
00:39:05.000 Let me check your body. 0.99
00:39:06.000 What's going on in the car?
00:39:07.000 What do you got?
00:39:08.000 What's this?
00:39:08.000 What's that?
00:39:09.000 And if you get it, oh!
00:39:11.000 We got it.
00:39:11.000 Score.
00:39:12.000 If you don't get it, fuck. 1.00
00:39:14.000 Swing and a miss. 1.00
00:39:14.000 And so you go looking for things to be wrong, and that person becomes the enemy. 1.00
00:39:18.000 Just like you push people on a fucking football field or on the other team, that's what you're doing to the people that you're supposed to be protecting and serving. 0.94
00:39:25.000 They become the enemy. 0.99
00:39:26.000 They become the thing that you're trying to score on. 1.00
00:39:28.000 And it's just stupid monkey games start playing around in people's heads. 0.99
00:39:32.000 And I think almost nobody's qualified for that. 0.99
00:39:35.000 I know a very few, like Big John McCarthy, the UFC referee.
00:39:38.000 He was a cop. 0.98
00:39:39.000 Fucking greatest guy you ever want to meet. 0.97
00:39:41.000 The nicest guy ever. 0.99
00:39:42.000 But he's also a big giant dude who's not intimidated by people and he has a good way of calming people down, relaxing people.
00:39:48.000 But he's very sensible, like very normal.
00:39:51.000 And he was a cop his whole life.
00:39:52.000 He was a cop for many, many years. 0.99
00:39:54.000 It's just a fucking impossible job, man. 0.99
00:39:57.000 Every day you're dealing with crime. 0.99
00:39:59.000 Every day you're dealing with murder.
00:40:00.000 You're dealing with people beating their wives. 0.98
00:40:02.000 You're dealing with kids that get hit by cars. 1.00
00:40:04.000 You're dealing with just the most horrible shit. 1.00
00:40:07.000 And we can boil this down to too many people. 1.00
00:40:10.000 Because I live in a town where I know the cops.
00:40:13.000 Same cop came to two Super Bowl parties in consecutive years the night before when we had a big pre-party on the Saturday night and came for noise complaints two years in a row.
00:40:27.000 The first time he walked in, Christine Levine was on stage doing her act, and you can hear everything in my neighborhood just speaking. 0.99
00:40:34.000 And when she's on a microphone doing a bit about, after three kids, my pussy looks like it swallowed a dog that chewed its way out. 1.00
00:40:44.000 And I know every fucking neighbor... 1.00
00:40:48.000 There's at least 30 houses that can hear this over their TV. That's hilarious. 1.00
00:40:55.000 But that cop came twice, and then I'd see him at Safeway, friendly, and when Bingo and I had our brief breakup, That cop came to my house. 0.98
00:41:06.000 I'm sitting in the funhouse, and I see a cop walking, and I'm like, oh, that's fucking Yanis. 0.96
00:41:11.000 Officer Bob Friendly. 0.91
00:41:12.000 And he came and he goes, hey, I know it's none of my business, but I heard you going through a tough time, and I just wanted to see if you're okay. 0.89
00:41:20.000 I'm like, that is fucking cool.
00:41:22.000 And now he comes over all the time. 0.98
00:41:25.000 Wow.
00:41:26.000 Yeah.
00:41:26.000 That is, yeah, that's the benefit of the 5,000-person town.
00:41:30.000 Yeah, when you know everybody.
00:41:31.000 Yeah.
00:41:32.000 That's not a homeless guy.
00:41:34.000 That's Brokey.
00:41:36.000 Everyone knows our homeless will work for food guy by name. 0.97
00:41:39.000 Do you think that you appreciate that more because you travel so much?
00:41:43.000 Because you get to go back to that and this is home. 0.99
00:41:46.000 And home is this quiet, cool place filled with artists and farmers and just weirdos and shit. 0.94
00:41:52.000 But you're always like, now you're in Dublin. 0.98
00:41:55.000 Now you're in London.
00:41:56.000 Now you're in San Francisco.
00:41:58.000 Now you're in...
00:41:59.000 You know, you're always moving around so much that you get a beautiful taste of everything and then this is like the quiet home.
00:42:06.000 Also, I rarely go out.
00:42:08.000 I go to Safeway every day even if I don't need anything.
00:42:11.000 It's my thing.
00:42:12.000 I wake up and I go to Safeway and I find what's good discount meat.
00:42:18.000 I love a bargain in the discount meats.
00:42:20.000 And other than that, I don't go out.
00:42:22.000 I don't go to bars.
00:42:23.000 I have a bar in my house.
00:42:25.000 The people I know, they come over to my house and we hang out there.
00:42:28.000 Yeah.
00:42:29.000 No, you've got an interesting setup, man.
00:42:31.000 Whenever I listen to your podcast, I'm like, this is such a fascinating setup.
00:42:34.000 The same as the Comedy Store, which when I come back, I love it.
00:42:41.000 And I see a thousand people all in one night that I've known over the years.
00:42:46.000 But I don't hate anyone.
00:42:48.000 Right. 1.00
00:42:48.000 Where you hear all the, oh, that fucking, I hate that fucking country. 1.00
00:42:52.000 Think she's funny and she's not funny. 1.00
00:42:55.000 Like, I would, yeah, I would be, if I lived there, if I was a regular like everyone else at the comedy store, yeah, then I'd have my beefs and I'd be political.
00:43:04.000 There's very few beefs there these days.
00:43:05.000 It's interesting. 1.00
00:43:06.000 But I'm just saying, like, snipey back talk, you know, talk shit behind your back thing. 0.99
00:43:11.000 I'd get into that again. 1.00
00:43:13.000 Yeah.
00:43:14.000 Now I'm really happy to see everyone. 0.98
00:43:16.000 I don't care if they suck. 0.90
00:43:17.000 I don't watch their acts anyway. 0.99
00:43:19.000 But that's what Bisbee's like. 1.00
00:43:20.000 And I keep it that way where I don't go out, I don't get involved in their fucking petty squabbles and everyone's backstabby shit. 0.99
00:43:29.000 Because even when I am there for a long time, I don't leave the house. 0.99
00:43:33.000 I don't go out.
00:43:35.000 Yeah.
00:43:36.000 So I don't have to take sides. 0.97
00:43:37.000 I'm a very fucking neutral country. 0.96
00:43:39.000 I know what you're saying about avoiding conflict. 0.97
00:43:41.000 But honestly, the comedy store these days is almost conflict free.
00:43:46.000 It's weird.
00:43:46.000 It's so much weirder than it's ever been there before.
00:43:49.000 It's like this super...
00:43:51.000 Super supportive community.
00:43:53.000 It's very different.
00:43:54.000 I'll just say comedy in general in LA. Well, anywhere.
00:43:58.000 I should be headlining that place and they won't give me this.
00:44:03.000 I don't have to deal with that.
00:44:04.000 And that's how I keep Bisbee.
00:44:08.000 I go out rarely.
00:44:11.000 A lot of people don't believe I live there.
00:44:15.000 Why do they not believe it?
00:44:16.000 They think I just have a house there that I show up to and say I live in Bisbee.
00:44:19.000 That would be funny.
00:44:20.000 It would be funny if you only dress like this on the show and then you immediately, the show's over, oh, I can't wait to get dressed for my golf tee off in an hour.
00:44:29.000 And then you put on like a polo shirt and a fat Rolex and some nice slippers. 0.94
00:44:33.000 I only have ridiculous suits and pajamas. 0.98
00:44:36.000 That's it. 0.99
00:44:36.000 That's it? 0.99
00:44:37.000 I don't have a pair of jeans. 0.99
00:44:38.000 When did you become a ridiculous suit guy? 0.99
00:44:39.000 Like what year did you just give in to the ridiculous suit? 0.99
00:44:42.000 When I got my first really good one, the one I wore, I forget what special it was. 0.69
00:44:48.000 I've done this occasionally throughout the years, and I used to wear a Santa hat for a while. 0.99
00:44:55.000 And then we'd dress up in just fucking dumb shit sometimes just because I was bored, like Muslim prayer robes on stage. 1.00
00:45:03.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:45:03.000 Where were you getting these ridiculous? 1.00
00:45:05.000 I got this my neighbor Evelyn found this great old plaid vintage 70s sport coat and I just happened to find a pair of yellow pants that matched it perfectly and then I get so then I'd start like really looking for what when I could put a whole suit together and I like alright and then I realized white shoes go at everything white loafers and So then I just... 0.94
00:45:31.000 That's all we do when we're driving on the road.
00:45:34.000 The only interests I have are...
00:45:37.000 We hit all the thrift stores in the town and try to find good sushi.
00:45:42.000 And that's it. 1.00
00:45:42.000 I'll go to a fucking museum. 1.00
00:45:44.000 So you look for wacky clothes to try on. 1.00
00:45:48.000 Yeah, you don't know who's clothes...
00:45:49.000 Now I have a closet that...
00:45:50.000 That's why I do these eBay yard sales every couple years. 0.98
00:45:54.000 And I sell all the suits I'm tired of because my closet is fucking buckling. 0.98
00:45:58.000 Wow. 0.97
00:46:00.000 What a weird thing to collect.
00:46:01.000 Get on the mailing list.
00:46:05.000 You've been doing this as long as I have.
00:46:07.000 You get a cool poster, a tour poster, and you go, I like that.
00:46:13.000 But as the years go on, you're just building up clutter in your crawlspace, and you can only have so many pictures of yourself around.
00:46:22.000 Fans will send me artwork, like...
00:46:24.000 You know, portraits they did of me.
00:46:27.000 And I'm like, what am I going to put up more pictures of me in my house? 0.99
00:46:30.000 Like, a company comes over and it's just some fucking museum of you. 0.94
00:46:35.000 That's why you got to buy the house near the landing strip. 0.98
00:46:38.000 Just turn it to the Doug Stanhope Resort. 1.00
00:46:40.000 Well, I sell the shit. 1.00
00:46:41.000 We do eBay yard sales. 1.00
00:46:43.000 And yeah, a fan would like that in their house.
00:46:46.000 I don't need a picture of me.
00:46:48.000 You'd like a tour poster.
00:46:49.000 That's a good move.
00:46:51.000 So yeah, get on the mailing list at DougStanup.com because we're doing another one in August.
00:46:55.000 So what do you do?
00:46:56.000 You do them personally?
00:46:58.000 Like, are you out there auctioning stuff off?
00:47:00.000 No, we just put it all on eBay and call it the DougStanup eBay Yard Sale and people bid on stuff.
00:47:07.000 Nice.
00:47:09.000 Yeah, and you don't want to throw this stuff away.
00:47:12.000 You can't give it to the thrift store.
00:47:14.000 No one wants it there.
00:47:16.000 You're wearing a bunch of different people's clothes that have lived different weird lives.
00:47:21.000 Think about how many... 0.99
00:47:22.000 The kind of clothes that you're buying, you're buying guys who were getting pussy in the 70s. 0.99
00:47:28.000 That's the kind of clothes. 0.93
00:47:29.000 I used to do a bit about that, and I don't know if I ever recorded that, but about wearing this polyester under hot lights. 0.96
00:47:38.000 You can only imagine how bad fucking had to smell in the 70s. 0.77
00:47:43.000 Someone was dancing all night at the Studio 54. Ugh. 0.99
00:47:47.000 You know, doing blow and then sweating and then fucking in a bathroom with all their pubes on. 1.00
00:47:54.000 Yeah, and no deodorant. 0.99
00:47:55.000 What was deodorant like back then?
00:47:57.000 It was terrible.
00:47:58.000 Right guard.
00:47:59.000 Aerosol.
00:48:00.000 That's what I grew up with.
00:48:02.000 Remember when everybody thought there was going to be a giant hole in the ozone layer from hairspray?
00:48:05.000 Yeah.
00:48:06.000 Like, hairspray's going to put a hole in the ozone layer. 0.72
00:48:08.000 Like, apparently there's a big hole above Australia.
00:48:10.000 Australia has it bad.
00:48:11.000 Like, there's all those skin cancer ads.
00:48:13.000 You do sunburn.
00:48:15.000 Different, right?
00:48:16.000 Very rapidly in Australia.
00:48:17.000 Yeah.
00:48:18.000 Yeah, I think there's a hole over there.
00:48:20.000 I remember that was...
00:48:22.000 Look at that.
00:48:23.000 There it is. 1.00
00:48:24.000 Right over Australia, there's a goddamn hole. 0.98
00:48:26.000 The image of the largest Antarctic ozone hole ever recorded over the South Pole, September 2006. Layers of the atmosphere not to scale. 0.98
00:48:35.000 The Earth's ozone layer is mainly found on the lower portion of the stratosphere from approximately 20 to 30 kilometers.
00:48:41.000 Ozone depletion.
00:48:42.000 So there's a hole. 0.93
00:48:44.000 Yeah, and if the whole world was underneath that hole, we'd have some fucking real problems. 0.93
00:48:49.000 You play Australia? 0.97
00:48:50.000 Yeah.
00:48:51.000 Yeah, I've been.
00:48:51.000 I haven't been in a while, though.
00:48:53.000 Last time I did Melbourne.
00:48:54.000 Had a great time.
00:48:55.000 How do they make you say it?
00:48:57.000 Melbourne?
00:48:57.000 Melbourne?
00:48:59.000 I like Sydney.
00:49:00.000 Done Sydney there, too. 0.78
00:49:02.000 Perth is fantastic.
00:49:04.000 Yeah?
00:49:05.000 Yeah, that's my favorite.
00:49:07.000 And I did Hobart, Tasmania, which is weird.
00:49:11.000 Wow, Tasmania. 0.98
00:49:13.000 I just did a couple weeks there in April, and I read it's called The Fatal Shore, and it's like this 700-page history of Australia, and it's fucking brutal. 0.99
00:49:30.000 Oh, it's crazy. 0.99
00:49:31.000 Absolutely brutal.
00:49:33.000 From the time they started shipping the prisoners there for nothing.
00:49:41.000 Shackles and dying of pestilence.
00:49:44.000 They're in hulls.
00:49:46.000 They sit in boats for months waiting to be shipped to a camp.
00:49:51.000 It's just brutal after brutal and then a flogging until the skin fell off his back and then...
00:50:00.000 Oh, yeah.
00:50:17.000 One of the things they did, they took aborigine kids away from their parents. 1.00
00:50:21.000 They tried to raise them with white families. 0.95
00:50:23.000 They did in like the 1950s, I think.
00:50:26.000 They were telling me about it when I was there, and it was one of them jaw-dropper conversations where people were talking.
00:50:32.000 You're like, what?
00:50:33.000 They stole people's babies and raised them as white kids because they didn't think the Aborigines knew what they were doing. 1.00
00:50:40.000 So they just said, you don't know how to raise that kid.
00:50:42.000 Give me that kid. 1.00
00:50:43.000 It's kind of like the foster system.
00:50:45.000 Well, no, because they took them.
00:50:46.000 It's not like the foster system.
00:50:48.000 The idea would be that Someone would either have to go to jail or someone would be murdered.
00:50:54.000 Where they go, you're an unfit parent.
00:50:57.000 That's sometimes, right?
00:50:58.000 I guess that does happen, right?
00:50:59.000 If someone's a drug addict or a criminal, they'll take your kid away and put it in foster care.
00:51:03.000 But this is just taking your kid away because you're an aborigine. 1.00
00:51:08.000 Which, if their society thinks that's a bad way, what's wrong with a drug addict?
00:51:13.000 I know drug addicts that can do a lot of stuff functionally.
00:51:17.000 Some of them, yeah.
00:51:18.000 There's levels to that.
00:51:20.000 There's levels to drug addict.
00:51:21.000 You know what's weird about the aborigines? 1.00
00:51:23.000 They have hundreds of languages.
00:51:25.000 They speak different languages.
00:51:26.000 You'll be in what they call a mob.
00:51:29.000 They call themselves mobs, like a tribe.
00:51:31.000 It's a mob.
00:51:32.000 And you'll have a mob, but there'll be another mob that's 30 kilometers away, and they speak a totally different language. 1.00
00:51:37.000 You don't know what the fuck they're saying. 0.98
00:51:39.000 And then there's another one over there, and most of it's not even written down. 0.99
00:51:42.000 And there's hundreds and hundreds of them.
00:51:44.000 And they're all over.
00:51:46.000 I mean, it's a...
00:51:47.000 It's an amazing, strange culture, like the culture of the Aborigines in Australia. 1.00
00:51:53.000 My friend Adam, Adam Greentree, he runs a mining company in Australia, and he works with a lot of the Aborigine people.
00:52:01.000 He gets them jobs and gets to understand their culture and talk to them.
00:52:06.000 He's told me some just insane shit about how these people have lived, and they've been there forever. 0.97
00:52:12.000 You know, they've been there for a long time, all living in these little tribes, these little mobs. 0.99
00:52:18.000 It's crazy.
00:52:18.000 Yeah, they would have no structures when they first showed up over there.
00:52:23.000 The Aborigines were basically packs, and they would basically cut and burn, or hunt as much as they could in an area, and they didn't have houses. 1.00
00:52:35.000 They had no, like, they'd just move on.
00:52:38.000 Yeah.
00:52:39.000 Yeah, and they were living, you know, like, essentially, like how Native Americans were, maybe in the 1400s or 1500s, probably even more simply, right?
00:52:52.000 I mean, I wonder. 0.99
00:52:57.000 That's why they wouldn't fuck with New Zealand, because the Maori, however you pronounce that, the Maori people, they were fucking badasses, and they were somewhat fortified. 1.00
00:53:08.000 I retained so little. 1.00
00:53:10.000 I read the book, and two days later, I have three facts that I probably have two of them wrong, but they were terrified of the fucking... 0.99
00:53:19.000 Everybody's scared of the Maoris. 0.99
00:53:21.000 Just New Zealand people are very fierce. 1.00
00:53:24.000 They're fierce people.
00:53:27.000 It's crazy to think that those two places, particularly Australia, was a prison colony, essentially, for England.
00:53:36.000 I mean, that's how they treated it. 0.99
00:53:38.000 It was fucking slavery is what it was. 0.99
00:53:41.000 It was white slavery, because the whole idea was to make these prisoners build this into a country. 1.00
00:53:50.000 Meanwhile, the crazy thing is, the weather's way better than England.
00:53:54.000 I know. 1.00
00:53:54.000 Only fucking England would use the beautiful place as a fucking penal colony. 1.00
00:54:00.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:54:01.000 I can't wait to get back to fucking Shropshire ham by the sea, where it's fucking 48 degrees and gloomy and shitty. 0.99
00:54:09.000 Gloomy and everybody's just sour and dour. 0.99
00:54:12.000 Meanwhile, you're in the Gold Coast of Australia, jumping into the water, having a martini on the beach.
00:54:19.000 The weather's perfect. 0.97
00:54:20.000 Yeah, but same token, back then, there was no fucking plumbing and it was hard to find clean water to drink. 0.96
00:54:29.000 That's true. 0.99
00:54:29.000 Everything kills you. 0.99
00:54:31.000 Everything kills you.
00:54:32.000 Including jellyfish. 1.00
00:54:34.000 That's what's the most fucked up. 1.00
00:54:35.000 Goddamn jellyfish kill you. 1.00
00:54:38.000 Jellyfish. 1.00
00:54:39.000 Saltwater crocodiles.
00:54:40.000 Oh, they're everywhere.
00:54:41.000 They just captured one in Australia.
00:54:42.000 They've been looking for it forever. 0.99
00:54:43.000 Fucking huge. 0.99
00:54:44.000 15 feet long. 0.99
00:54:45.000 1,300 and something pounds.
00:54:49.000 Oh, they're always catching sharks.
00:54:51.000 There's sharks all over the place.
00:54:52.000 The outside water is just surrounded with great whites.
00:54:57.000 Sharks, saltwater crocodiles, spiders, brown snakes, all these different things. 0.99
00:55:02.000 But the people are cool as fuck. 0.97
00:55:04.000 They're like some of my favorite people. 1.00
00:55:06.000 Racist as fuck, too, though. 1.00
00:55:07.000 Look at that. 1.00
00:55:07.000 Are they really? 1.00
00:55:08.000 Yeah, I would say, yeah, you're a bunch of fucking racists and the cheer. 1.00
00:55:14.000 Whoa. 1.00
00:55:14.000 Look at the size of that crocodile they captured. 1.00
00:55:17.000 What in the fuck, man? 1.00
00:55:21.000 It's 60 years old? 1.00
00:55:22.000 How many people have that thing eaten?
00:55:25.000 That thing's eaten at least 10 people. 1.00
00:55:27.000 Oh, there's shoes in that belly. 1.00
00:55:28.000 Oh, yeah.
00:55:30.000 A friend of mine filmed this show, it's called Uncharted, and his name is Jim Shockey, and he's this professional hunter from Canada.
00:55:39.000 They hired him to go to Africa to shoot these crocodiles that were killing all these people that lived in this village.
00:55:44.000 While they were there, someone got snatched and taken by a crocodile.
00:55:48.000 And, like, so you're seeing everyone in the village is missing an arm, or they have a chunk taken out of their head, or a chunk taken out of their thigh, and you're like...
00:55:57.000 This is nuts.
00:55:58.000 These people are always in fear of getting eaten.
00:56:02.000 Everywhere they go, they're in fear of getting eaten by these enormous Nile crocodiles.
00:56:06.000 You know, 13, 14 feet long, just grabbing people and pulling them underwater.
00:56:11.000 I really want to go to the Outback.
00:56:14.000 They have a train.
00:56:16.000 They have two trains.
00:56:17.000 One's called the Gan that goes from Adelaide all the way up to Darwin.
00:56:22.000 And then they have another that goes all the way from Perth to Sydney.
00:56:26.000 And I really want to just do a train trip because in the middle there's like a Coober Pedy is a mining town where like most of the town is underground because it gets that hot.
00:56:36.000 It's 120 degrees so they built the town underground.
00:56:40.000 Jesus. 1.00
00:56:41.000 Yeah, I want to go see some weird shit. 1.00
00:56:43.000 Sydney is fucking Vancouver. 1.00
00:56:46.000 Right, right, right, right. 1.00
00:56:47.000 Yeah, it's not the weird shit. 0.98
00:56:49.000 And you could drive for hours and hours and not see nothing in Australia. 0.94
00:56:53.000 A lot of these guys, they get those snorkels on their cars, and it's not for going underwater.
00:56:59.000 It's just because of the amount of dirt you have to drive through.
00:57:02.000 Oh yeah, the utes.
00:57:03.000 Yeah, you want to have a snorkel high above your car so that you're getting cleaner air.
00:57:11.000 Yeah.
00:57:11.000 They all have extended gas tanks.
00:57:13.000 They get these giant gas tanks put on because they know they're going to be driving for 15, 16 hours without seeing a gas station.
00:57:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:57:20.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
00:57:21.000 That's why I thought the train... 1.00
00:57:23.000 Yeah.
00:57:24.000 No, it's a weird place, man.
00:57:26.000 Australia's one of the last weird places.
00:57:29.000 There's 20 million people in the entire country, and it's the same size as the contiguous United States.
00:57:34.000 Yeah, of dirt.
00:57:36.000 It's all dirt, and there's only 20 million people.
00:57:38.000 Less than live in LA. Live in this one huge country.
00:57:43.000 I love it.
00:57:44.000 It's like a small town, but a country.
00:57:46.000 You know, like the same proportions.
00:57:49.000 Darwin is the only one I want to go to.
00:57:52.000 That's north and really tropical.
00:57:55.000 Why do you want to go to that one?
00:57:56.000 It just sounds like a weird place to go.
00:57:59.000 I want to go to the Galapagos.
00:58:01.000 That's where Darwin did all of his research, the Galapagos Islands, or some of his research.
00:58:05.000 He's compiling his theories on evolution, but it's apparently some...
00:58:10.000 Crazy tropical island.
00:58:12.000 That's they're trying so hard to keep it from being touched and influenced by people But every time people go over there you have to clean off their shoes.
00:58:19.000 Yeah, it's like Don't step off the track though. 0.95
00:58:23.000 What's the fucking go back in time the butterfly effect? 0.77
00:58:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, people are I mean, isn't that how life got spread all across the world? 0.99
00:58:36.000 I mean, I know we shouldn't do it on purpose and foolishly, but a lot of how life got spread is just picking things up and carrying them in their shit and dropping them off there. 0.95
00:58:47.000 Guns, germs, and steel. 0.99
00:58:49.000 Yeah.
00:58:49.000 I mean, that's really how everything gets spread.
00:58:51.000 We're just doing it on a larger scale because we use planes and boats.
00:58:55.000 Like Hawaii.
00:58:57.000 Everything on Hawaii is something somebody brought over everything like there's like some birds that used to live there and some bugs You know and everything else is all the different wildlife all the animals. 0.96
00:59:07.000 They've just been brought over there There's nothing worse than going to Hawaii and hearing white people bitch about the tourists White people that live there. 0.99
00:59:16.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:59:16.000 Oh, yeah, that's funny and how it's the tourism is destroying the Ecosystem like who the fuck are you? 1.00
00:59:24.000 Yeah That's silly. 1.00
00:59:26.000 And what would you do without the tourists? 0.92
00:59:28.000 Yeah.
00:59:29.000 You should understand. 0.95
00:59:31.000 You think Roseanne's gonna actually fucking make money off a macadamia nut farm? 1.00
00:59:35.000 You think she's gonna be out selling fucking nuts somewhere? 1.00
00:59:40.000 Oh, she never... 0.99
00:59:41.000 I think I told you.
00:59:44.000 She called me again and goes, I'm ready to do Rogan.
00:59:47.000 We've been going back and forth.
00:59:48.000 All right.
00:59:49.000 Well, now she says she's going to do her own podcast.
00:59:52.000 Yeah, we're going to do it.
00:59:53.000 It's just going to take time.
00:59:55.000 You know, this is what I told her.
00:59:56.000 She contacted me the other day.
00:59:59.000 She says, I'm ready to do it whenever you are.
01:00:00.000 I said, you just tell me when and we'll do it.
01:00:03.000 And then we're trying to figure out...
01:00:04.000 Well, I'm in Salt Lake City at my mother's house.
01:00:07.000 Yeah, there was a little bit of that.
01:00:09.000 And then, you know, she's just trying to figure out when's the right time.
01:00:11.000 But she said she wants to do her own YouTube channel, and she's upset at everybody.
01:00:16.000 And I felt like, you know, there's a lot of merit in what she's saying. 0.98
01:00:22.000 You know, I really do think she got fucked over. 0.99
01:00:25.000 I really do think she made a joke about a woman that she didn't know was black. 0.99
01:00:30.000 And a woman who's, I think she's only one-eighth black. 1.00
01:00:34.000 Oh yeah, I saw the picture and I went, oh, I get it now. 0.99
01:00:37.000 I talked to her on the phone afterwards where she goes, she was asking me for advice and she said, I really fucked up and I honestly didn't think she was black. 0.96
01:00:48.000 And then she goes, did you ever do Ambien? 0.96
01:00:51.000 I go, that's exactly why I stopped doing Ambien.
01:00:56.000 I'm sure that's why she tweeted that, where I'm like, just talk about this on Rogan, because Rogan spends time.
01:01:03.000 You can explain stuff. 1.00
01:01:04.000 Stop fucking tweeting. 1.00
01:01:06.000 And that tweet where she goes, I did take an Ambien. 1.00
01:01:09.000 Well, yeah, you drink on Ambien, and you're fucked. 1.00
01:01:12.000 I can tell you a million stories of normal people, like fucking Judy Brown, her husband, Steve Marmel... 1.00
01:01:21.000 Almost had a plane grounded because he, on a flight, he took an Ambien and had a couple of bourbons and then just started going fucking batch it. 0.98
01:01:30.000 Has no recollection of it. 0.53
01:01:31.000 And I've done stuff that was like minor, where I just had a very lucid business conversation with Hannigan.
01:01:39.000 After I'd taken an Ambien on my...
01:01:41.000 Like a light night of drinking for me, which is six or seven beers.
01:01:44.000 And I went to bed.
01:01:45.000 And then I got up 15 minutes later and went out and had this very lucid business conversation that I don't remember at all.
01:01:53.000 And I brought it up to him the next day, something we were going to talk about.
01:01:57.000 He goes, we talked about this last night.
01:01:59.000 I go, no, we didn't.
01:02:01.000 He's like, yes, you came out.
01:02:02.000 I go, no, I went to bed.
01:02:03.000 He goes, yes, but you came out shortly after.
01:02:06.000 You seemed very...
01:02:08.000 Like, completely normal.
01:02:10.000 Wow.
01:02:11.000 Kevin James, he made dinner. 1.00
01:02:15.000 He went downstairs, made his own dinner, cooked it, ate it, went back to bed, got up in the morning, and was like, who the fuck cooked? 0.99
01:02:24.000 And then they're like, you did. 0.99
01:02:26.000 He's like, no, I didn't.
01:02:27.000 He was like, no, yeah, you did.
01:02:28.000 Look, here, you threw this away.
01:02:29.000 Like, you cooked this.
01:02:30.000 Like, what?!
01:02:32.000 The fuck are you talking about? 1.00
01:02:33.000 Renee's brother, you remember my ex Renee, her brother and his buddy took some ambience, had minor amounts of cocktails, woke up on a lawn in a neighborhood they didn't know where they were. 1.00
01:02:45.000 Jesus. 0.99
01:02:46.000 And that's where, it was that one lucid business conversation where you go, that could have been me driving my car into someone's front fucking porch. 0.99
01:02:57.000 Yeah. 0.98
01:02:58.000 So, yeah, I swore it off.
01:03:01.000 My mom said that she took it and no booze, just took the Ambien and wound up drawing on a bathroom carpet, you know, in those little bathroom rugs, just drawing on it with like lipstick and nail polish. 0.62
01:03:15.000 Doesn't have any recollection of doing it.
01:03:17.000 Just drawing on it like a little kid would.
01:03:18.000 Would they pull out the nail polish, just start...
01:03:22.000 That's a weird thing.
01:03:23.000 It's called a hypnotic.
01:03:24.000 That's what they call that category of drugs. 0.99
01:03:28.000 The other thing with Roseanne is, she's got serious mental illness, and she's on a bunch of different medications. 0.95
01:03:37.000 Well, she's got legit multiple personality disorder. 1.00
01:03:40.000 She's talked about it.
01:03:41.000 And I don't think they call it multiple personality disorder anymore.
01:03:43.000 I think they have a new name for it, but... 1.00
01:03:46.000 They're really good at rebranding fucking mental illnesses. 1.00
01:03:50.000 Like, come on, man. 1.00
01:03:51.000 It's like, this is what it is.
01:03:52.000 It is multiple personality disorder.
01:03:54.000 She has a bunch of different people. 0.72
01:03:57.000 And, you know, if you talk to people that have been around her and see her switch from personality to personality, you realize, like, oh.
01:04:03.000 And, you know, a lot of this also came from head trauma.
01:04:06.000 She's one of several comedians that became...
01:04:10.000 A different person because of head trauma.
01:04:12.000 I think she was hit by a car as well.
01:04:14.000 Sam Kinison, same thing, hit by a car.
01:04:16.000 And also...
01:04:17.000 I think she was in a car accident.
01:04:18.000 I don't know if it was child molestation or...
01:04:22.000 Yeah, it was that too.
01:04:23.000 Rape and...
01:04:24.000 Dissociative Identity Disorder. 0.65
01:04:25.000 That's what they're calling it now. 0.98
01:04:27.000 And she also can't fucking tell the difference between Twitter and a green room. 1.00
01:04:32.000 Because if every single comic was recorded, the dark shit that we say in green rooms, because we're comics, and we say the worst possible thing. 0.99
01:04:43.000 Especially to make each other. 0.98
01:04:44.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00
01:04:46.000 Because you go to the darkest areas and you say all the wrong words and you say the most racist thing to your black comic friend and he says the fucking worst thing to you about your fucking, your ugly fucking teeth or you're fat or you're fucking stupid. 1.00
01:05:04.000 And if she walked into the green room and said that about that lady, we would be laughing. 1.00
01:05:08.000 Right.
01:05:09.000 We would be laughing. 0.97
01:05:10.000 Especially if we didn't think that lady was black. 1.00
01:05:12.000 Except we wouldn't know who she was.
01:05:12.000 Right, we wouldn't know who she was.
01:05:14.000 And if she was saying something racist, you'd look at the picture and go, I don't get it.
01:05:18.000 I had no understanding of who that woman was. 0.99
01:05:20.000 I never had heard of her before until Roseanne got fired. 1.00
01:05:23.000 And I was like, who is this lady? 0.93
01:05:26.000 She's saying she's in the Muslim Brotherhood, and then Roseanne said that she thought she was Jewish.
01:05:31.000 I was like, okay.
01:05:33.000 She's like, I didn't think she was black. 0.79
01:05:34.000 I thought she was Jewish.
01:05:35.000 And then I looked at the picture.
01:05:36.000 I go, all right, well, yeah.
01:05:40.000 That's not a cut and dry one.
01:05:42.000 If you read two years of Roseanne's tweets...
01:05:46.000 That would not be the one that stood out. 0.99
01:05:49.000 She just says fucking insane stuff that makes no sense all the time. 0.99
01:05:54.000 What did she say that Susan Rice, she said, was a great big ape with... 1.00
01:06:02.000 No, a man... 1.00
01:06:03.000 Oh, she's a man with giant swinging ape balls. 1.00
01:06:10.000 This was like five years ago. 0.97
01:06:12.000 And then five years later, they give her that sitcom.
01:06:14.000 I can't believe she's acting crazy. 1.00
01:06:19.000 I completely fault ABC seeing a fucking cash cow. 1.00
01:06:24.000 They thought they could handle her. 1.00
01:06:26.000 Yeah.
01:06:26.000 Hey, we can make a lot of money by giving a toddler a pistol.
01:06:30.000 Well, you know what else she said?
01:06:32.000 She felt like she was being removed.
01:06:33.000 But he has to promise not to.
01:06:34.000 What?
01:06:34.000 She felt like she was being removed from the creative process, too.
01:06:38.000 There was a bunch of things going on even before this, and that this was one of the final steps.
01:06:44.000 She was having a hard time with the whole process, and she was definitely having a hard time with being overworked.
01:06:48.000 She's like, I'm old.
01:06:49.000 We should do an episode about the Illuminati and Zionism.
01:06:53.000 What?
01:06:54.000 Maybe we should get you out of the writer's room.
01:06:56.000 It wouldn't be a bad idea to do an episode about her thinking that everything is the Illuminati. 0.98
01:07:02.000 I mean, that's fucking gold comedy there. 0.94
01:07:03.000 There's so much there. 0.99
01:07:04.000 I had explained to her creme trails.
01:07:07.000 But the thing is, different than anybody that I've ever talked to about these kind of wacky conspiracy theories, when I explained to her how those clouds are made, she went, oh, okay.
01:07:19.000 Just let it go. 0.94
01:07:20.000 Like, most of them don't fucking let it go. 0.99
01:07:22.000 If you tell them that, well, you see those planes, they're spraying overhead, and you go, no, no, no. 0.99
01:07:25.000 It's the heat of the engine, the condensation, the atmosphere.
01:07:28.000 It's actually creating a cloud.
01:07:30.000 It's just the water vapor, and it mixes with the heat of this engine.
01:07:34.000 It makes clouds.
01:07:34.000 That's all it is.
01:07:35.000 Roseanne just goes, okay.
01:07:37.000 Like, just let it go. 1.00
01:07:38.000 Like, everybody else is like, bullshit, man. 1.00
01:07:40.000 There's fucking documents. 1.00
01:07:42.000 There's papers. 1.00
01:07:43.000 The CIA's admitted it.
01:07:44.000 It's one of the hardest things in the world. 1.00
01:07:46.000 When you get a stupid conspiracy theory in your head, one of the hardest things in the world is to just go, mmm, that might be bullshit. 1.00
01:07:53.000 It might be bullshit. 1.00
01:07:54.000 What's your latest favorite conspiracy theory? 1.00
01:07:57.000 Because I've dropped off the map.
01:08:00.000 The favorite one that I believe in?
01:08:02.000 Yeah, or...
01:08:04.000 Man, I don't have a good one that I believe in.
01:08:07.000 Are there new ones that people are...
01:08:09.000 Always.
01:08:10.000 There's always new ones. 0.99
01:08:12.000 Everything's a goddamn conspiracy. 0.98
01:08:13.000 It's like constantly everything that everybody does. 0.98
01:08:17.000 What's a good one, Jamie?
01:08:18.000 What's a good recent conspiracy theory?
01:08:21.000 The Russia stuff, but I can't... 1.00
01:08:24.000 I can't make fucking heads or tails of this Russia shit. 1.00
01:08:27.000 Every time I read the Mueller documents, I'm reading what's been reported and who's getting indicted, and I'm like, this is too much. 1.00
01:08:34.000 I tuned out early.
01:08:37.000 He just asked for 100 blank indictments yesterday.
01:08:41.000 Mueller did?
01:08:42.000 Yeah.
01:08:43.000 Oh my god.
01:08:44.000 Oh my god.
01:08:46.000 A hundred?
01:08:46.000 What if they arrest Trump?
01:08:48.000 Are they allowed to arrest him?
01:08:49.000 That's part of what the whole thing with the judge is going on right now, the Supreme Court judge.
01:08:54.000 Well, somebody was explaining the relationship that the judge has, the judge who stepped down has to Trump.
01:09:00.000 His son is Trump's banker from Deutsche Bank.
01:09:05.000 Jesus!
01:09:11.000 Woo! 0.99
01:09:13.000 It's too much to pay attention to.
01:09:15.000 Occasionally I'll look and, okay, Trump and Kim Jong-il and Dennis Rodman are...
01:09:23.000 Partying together in Ibiza?
01:09:25.000 Yeah.
01:09:28.000 In Singapore.
01:09:29.000 Oh, the newest one is the new fake Melania Trump. 0.97
01:09:32.000 They think it's a new body double.
01:09:34.000 That Melania is not going on these trips anymore.
01:09:37.000 That's true.
01:09:37.000 I know that one.
01:09:38.000 If you called Alex Jones, he'd yell at us about it.
01:09:46.000 Is it true?
01:09:48.000 What does it say?
01:09:49.000 Two hours ago, this article got published.
01:09:50.000 Okay.
01:09:51.000 Eerie new picture says Melania Trump reignite conspiracy theories she's using a body double. 1.00
01:09:57.000 Okay, what are the pictures?
01:09:59.000 This is supposed to be her in 2017. Okay.
01:10:05.000 What website is this, by the way?
01:10:07.000 I don't know.
01:10:09.000 I like how you go, I don't know.
01:10:11.000 You're not even going to check.
01:10:12.000 Well, I clicked the first, I just went to the first one that was just posted.
01:10:14.000 Well, what are the pictures down low?
01:10:16.000 That's ones that are supposed to look weird.
01:10:18.000 I think if you scroll lower...
01:10:19.000 I think it's just on this video.
01:10:21.000 Hmm.
01:10:22.000 I think we have an answer to why Melania is missing so much lately.
01:10:25.000 Look closely.
01:10:32.000 Yeah, it doesn't look like her.
01:10:38.000 That's only in this, I mean that does not look like her, only in this presidency. 0.81
01:10:44.000 Would this be something that we would think about?
01:10:46.000 Only.
01:10:47.000 This is the only...
01:10:48.000 We're like, man, that ain't even his wife. 1.00
01:10:50.000 These are the goddamn body double. 0.99
01:10:52.000 Like, what are they going to do if Melania leaves him? 1.00
01:10:53.000 He's going to get a double.
01:10:55.000 He's going to get a body double and he's just going to give her money to stay in Manhattan. 0.98
01:10:58.000 He could just go, I hooked up with this chick on Tinder. 0.99
01:11:03.000 And, like, what's going to happen? 0.99
01:11:06.000 At what point are people going to stop being completely befuddled that he said something stupid and Stormy Daniels got arrested yesterday. 1.00
01:11:16.000 Yeah, that's some bullshit. 1.00
01:11:19.000 Sue's touching an undercover cop. 1.00
01:11:22.000 Was it she was touching an undercover cop, or she allowed the undercover cop to touch her?
01:11:26.000 I believe that, but what I read from her attorney last night on Twitter is that this is the same show or whatever performance she's been doing all over the country.
01:11:35.000 It's what she does.
01:11:36.000 They knew that she was going to do it.
01:11:38.000 So it was almost a setup or something. 0.99
01:11:40.000 Yeah, she wasn't blowing a guy in a fucking, you know, the champagne room or something. 1.00
01:11:45.000 When you read the law, it said the law was that you can't touch someone in an adult establishment unless it's a family member. 0.99
01:11:56.000 That's the fucking law. 0.99
01:11:59.000 Whoa. 1.00
01:11:59.000 So, like, you walked over to Jamie and rubbed his back, you go to jail? 1.00
01:12:05.000 Unless we're related, we haven't done a 23andMe yet.
01:12:08.000 An employee who regularly appears nude or semi-nude at a sexually oriented business is prohibited from touching patrons except for family members.
01:12:16.000 Huh.
01:12:17.000 So, uh...
01:12:19.000 Charges were already dismissed.
01:12:21.000 Oh, there it goes.
01:12:22.000 The charges were dismissed according to court documents.
01:12:25.000 So it almost makes more news that she was arrested than... 1.00
01:12:28.000 I wonder if it was like a rogue cop who's like a fucking Trump fan who's like, fuck this bitch. 1.00
01:12:34.000 Absolutely. 1.00
01:12:35.000 I'm just gonna fucking do it for Donald. 0.99
01:12:36.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:12:36.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:12:37.000 It couldn't have been.
01:12:38.000 Absolutely.
01:12:38.000 That's not a well-thought, well-oiled plan by the White House.
01:12:44.000 That's a plan by one fucking Yahoo with three different MAGA hats at home. 1.00
01:12:51.000 You know, on the fucking shelf. 1.00
01:12:53.000 Fucking thorn in his shoe. 1.00
01:12:54.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:12:55.000 This bitch, she thinks she's gonna take down POTUS? That's my favorite when they call him POTUS. You know, like, they're like, if POTUS did this, like, come on. 1.00
01:13:05.000 It's Trump.
01:13:06.000 It's Trump.
01:13:07.000 We gotta stop.
01:13:08.000 Yeah, that's one syllable.
01:13:10.000 Not only that, it's like, this is what got us here in the first place.
01:13:15.000 Daniels remove what okay in probation affidavit attained by CNN Detectives who are at the sirens gentlemen's club said they observed Daniels remove her top and force patrons face into her chest force. 0.97
01:13:27.000 Yeah, well, she's a monster. 1.00
01:13:29.000 Hey, I Wasn't here for this. 0.97
01:13:31.000 Yeah, it's not like she did that to a trained killer with a gun It's due to a cop It's not like even a regular guy.
01:13:40.000 It's a guy who makes his living stopping crime.
01:13:44.000 Stopping fun.
01:13:45.000 He's a vice cop.
01:13:46.000 But he can't even stop a tit plunge.
01:13:49.000 Like, she forced him in there.
01:13:51.000 There was nothing he could do about it. 0.89
01:13:52.000 It was basically rape. 1.00
01:13:53.000 Nothing he could do.
01:13:55.000 He couldn't go, hey, stop.
01:13:57.000 Another me too.
01:14:13.000 Come on. 1.00
01:14:14.000 Smacked the officer's face with her breasts. 1.00
01:14:18.000 I can't believe that. 0.99
01:14:20.000 She fondled a third officer's buttocks and breasts, according to the document, and then forced the officer's head between her breasts and smacked the officer's face with her breasts. 1.00
01:14:29.000 Can you imagine arresting somebody for that? 1.00
01:14:31.000 You fucking lazy civil servant leech. 1.00
01:14:36.000 You leech. 1.00
01:14:37.000 You leech. 0.93
01:14:38.000 There's money that could have gone to schools.
01:14:40.000 There's money that could have gone to fixed streets.
01:14:42.000 Money that could have gone to all sorts of good things in the community. 1.00
01:14:45.000 But you leeched it, you fucking snail. 1.00
01:14:49.000 Just creeped over, got that lady to touch you and arrested her. 1.00
01:14:53.000 Well, they did get $6,000.
01:14:55.000 Bail.
01:14:56.000 Yeah.
01:14:57.000 But the charges are already dismissed.
01:14:59.000 Doesn't she get that money back? 1.00
01:15:00.000 Yeah, I think so.
01:15:01.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:15:02.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00
01:15:03.000 It's fucking ridiculous. 1.00
01:15:05.000 That's the thing we were saying. 1.00
01:15:06.000 But this is cops.
01:15:08.000 Some of them are awesome.
01:15:10.000 Some of them are awesome.
01:15:12.000 And they just get a certain small percentage of them, they ruin it for everybody.
01:15:15.000 It doesn't even have to be 1%.
01:15:17.000 But if 1% of cops is out there shooting kids, I mean, it's less than that.
01:15:22.000 Because it's less than...
01:15:23.000 It's not even every day, right? 0.96
01:15:26.000 A cop doing something fucked up is usually like once a week. 0.99
01:15:30.000 Think of the fucking millions of interactions these cops have with people. 0.99
01:15:33.000 I mean, every day something's going wrong all over the country. 0.99
01:15:37.000 Someone's pulling someone over that has a gun.
01:15:39.000 Someone's pulling someone over that has an expired license or stolen property.
01:15:44.000 They're just constantly dealing with people.
01:15:46.000 It's amazing that they shoot as little as they do.
01:15:48.000 There's an argument in, hey, the cops should live in the community he's policing.
01:15:53.000 Yes, yes.
01:15:55.000 Yeah, there most certainly is.
01:15:56.000 Otherwise, you're an outsider, right?
01:15:58.000 I mean, that was how they used to be.
01:16:00.000 Like, the cops, if you were in, you know, in New Jersey in the 1970s, the cop that was patrolling your neighborhood lived in the neighborhood.
01:16:08.000 We probably all knew him by name.
01:16:11.000 Yeah.
01:16:11.000 Officer Bob Friendly, my cop friend in Bisbee, told me a story about where he had to do a welfare check in a house, and they force entry, and he's yelling, police, we're just here to do a welfare check.
01:16:27.000 Hello? 0.99
01:16:28.000 Some older guy that could have been fucking dead, and he's expecting... 0.99
01:16:33.000 To find a corpse when no one's answering. 0.99
01:16:36.000 And he gets up the staircase and he gets halfway around and this guy with half dementia holding a fucking.45 on him and he has to make that split second decision to draw his gun and shoot and he just ducked the other way. 0.83
01:16:53.000 Hey, we're just here to make sure you're okay. 0.99
01:16:55.000 And he was like that close to taking a fucking bullet in the head just trying to make sure a neighbor isn't dead. 1.00
01:17:03.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:17:03.000 Okay, I understand. 1.00
01:17:06.000 You're getting some fucking hairy predicaments. 0.99
01:17:09.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:17:11.000 Where if he shot this fucking old guy... 1.00
01:17:14.000 Oh, could you imagine? 1.00
01:17:16.000 Shoot an old guy in his house because he thinks he's protecting his house from burglars, and you're just there to check to see if he's all right, and you wind up shooting him in the head. 1.00
01:17:25.000 And, you know, there's just... 0.99
01:17:27.000 The amount of days in a year and the amount of interaction they're going to have with violence, it's just too much for most people's brains, almost everybody's brain.
01:17:36.000 It's almost like being on the front lines for 20 years, especially if you're in Detroit or south side of Chicago or somewhere in a terrible neighborhood where they're dealing with crime all the time, Camden, something like that. 0.98
01:17:49.000 The thin blue line where officers protect their own fucking bad apples. 0.98
01:17:55.000 Yeah, you only need to see one fucking wormhole run of YouTube bad cop videos. 0.98
01:18:02.000 Well, there's people that are protecting those cops. 0.99
01:18:05.000 So yeah, you gotta fucking give up your weak links. 0.97
01:18:09.000 What is the documentary, Jamie? 0.99
01:18:11.000 The 7-5?
01:18:12.000 Is that what it is?
01:18:13.000 Is that what it's called?
01:18:14.000 For sure?
01:18:16.000 75th Precinct?
01:18:17.000 Have you ever seen that?
01:18:19.000 Michael Dowd is a documentary about the crooked cops in New York. 0.99
01:18:24.000 Holy shit is it good. 0.99
01:18:25.000 Yeah, that was really good. 1.00
01:18:26.000 Holy shit is it good. 0.99
01:18:27.000 And you realize how crazy it got. 0.99
01:18:28.000 They were just running things, selling drugs and planning to do hits on people.
01:18:35.000 Like, whoa.
01:18:37.000 Is it really? 1.00
01:18:39.000 Fuck, that's a good documentary. 1.00
01:18:40.000 Nick DiPaolo turned me on to that. 1.00
01:18:42.000 That's a good goddamn documentary. 0.96
01:18:44.000 I thought they only did stand-up comedy on Netflix now. 0.99
01:18:47.000 They have a lot of goddamn documentaries. 0.99
01:18:49.000 Have you seen The Wild Wild... 1.00
01:18:51.000 What is it?
01:18:52.000 No.
01:18:53.000 The Wild Wild Country.
01:18:54.000 Have you seen that?
01:18:55.000 No, I haven't seen that.
01:18:55.000 I just got back on Netflix.
01:18:57.000 I've been out of the country for four months, basically.
01:19:00.000 But, uh...
01:19:01.000 I just watched Evil Genius about the pizza bomber.
01:19:07.000 It's a four-parter.
01:19:09.000 It's really good.
01:19:12.000 It didn't need to be four parts.
01:19:14.000 Every documentary you watch could have been a third shorter. 1.00
01:19:19.000 But yeah, the guy with the neck bomb and his fucking head blows off. 0.99
01:19:25.000 They send him into a bank and they still don't really know if he was involved or he wasn't involved. 0.99
01:19:31.000 It's a really good documentary.
01:19:34.000 Yeah, there's a ton of them now.
01:19:36.000 What's the Wild Wild West?
01:19:37.000 Wild Wild Country is about a sex cult that took over a town in Oregon in the 1980s.
01:19:45.000 I was looking for that.
01:19:46.000 That's the one I was looking for, but I know it was the Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh.
01:19:52.000 To search Bhagwan...
01:19:54.000 I wouldn't even know how to spell that.
01:19:57.000 I wouldn't even know how to spell that enough for Google to correct it.
01:20:00.000 Did you know about this whole thing before the documentary series came out?
01:20:05.000 I knew about it.
01:20:07.000 I never heard about it.
01:20:07.000 But not in depth.
01:20:09.000 And I've heard it's a fucking brilliant documentary, but I didn't know the name. 0.95
01:20:15.000 I'm amazed I just said Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh. 0.94
01:20:18.000 That is pretty amazing.
01:20:20.000 I just call him Osho, which is what they call him later, right?
01:20:23.000 But it's...
01:20:26.000 I didn't know it happened.
01:20:27.000 I had never heard that this was a thing.
01:20:29.000 That there was a whole town that had gotten taken over by this wacky cult.
01:20:34.000 I never heard a peep about it.
01:20:35.000 So when this documentary series came out, this was all like, what?
01:20:38.000 When was this?
01:20:40.000 I remember when it was happening.
01:20:42.000 Do you?
01:20:43.000 Yeah, that's how I remember the name.
01:20:45.000 But I didn't know the details.
01:20:46.000 I didn't know the criminal element of it.
01:20:49.000 I just...
01:20:50.000 It was like the Reverend something Moon.
01:20:54.000 Yeah, the Moonies.
01:20:56.000 I just remember it existed.
01:20:58.000 I don't know anything about...
01:21:00.000 Wasn't that Steve Hassan guy, the guy that's the cult expert, isn't that what he was in?
01:21:07.000 Wasn't he in the Moonies when he wound up leaving?
01:21:10.000 Was that what it was?
01:21:12.000 They found him when he was in college and recruited him.
01:21:15.000 There's a guy who's an anti-cult educator, and he was in one.
01:21:22.000 He got roped into one when he was in college.
01:21:24.000 Catholic?
01:21:25.000 Well, he's Jewish.
01:21:28.000 Unification Church.
01:21:29.000 Unification Church? 0.65
01:21:30.000 Is that Moonies?
01:21:32.000 It says Ex-Moon, so yeah.
01:21:34.000 Huh?
01:21:34.000 What does it say?
01:21:35.000 It says Annie founded Ex-Moon Inc., so that might be...
01:21:38.000 Yeah, I think it was the Moonies.
01:21:40.000 I think the Unification Church is Sung Young Moon's church.
01:21:44.000 See if that's true.
01:21:47.000 Is it?
01:21:48.000 Yeah.
01:21:48.000 So he was roped up with them when he was in college, and he got rescued.
01:21:53.000 Who rescued him?
01:21:55.000 Someone's family member or something like that?
01:21:56.000 I forget the whole story.
01:21:57.000 I wonder if Alex Jones ever does that.
01:21:59.000 Hey, look that up.
01:22:00.000 Is that true?
01:22:01.000 No, it's not.
01:22:02.000 All right.
01:22:03.000 No.
01:22:04.000 I don't think he does.
01:22:07.000 You can't believe that fake news.
01:22:10.000 I just can't believe I never heard about that whole story until it went down, or until the documentary series went down.
01:22:17.000 I never heard that story.
01:22:19.000 It's almost like I was living in an alternative universe.
01:22:22.000 Like, how did I slip this?
01:22:23.000 They took over a whole town.
01:22:25.000 And this is when I was a grown adult.
01:22:26.000 This was in the late 80s. 0.98
01:22:28.000 Like, how the fuck did I not know about this? 0.99
01:22:31.000 Well, that's what fucking Scientology did with Clearwater, basically. 1.00
01:22:36.000 Did they? 0.99
01:22:37.000 Well, I don't know if they took over the town, but they...
01:22:39.000 Close.
01:22:40.000 Yeah, close.
01:22:41.000 But these people took over a ranch.
01:22:43.000 I can't believe these Mormons in Salt Lake. 1.00
01:22:45.000 How did I not hear about this?
01:22:46.000 When you see it, you realize the scope of it.
01:22:48.000 When you see the old home movies, you realize, like, oh, like, they made a whole town.
01:22:55.000 They took this whole...
01:22:58.000 And they said they couldn't have the ranch, they couldn't turn it into this town, they couldn't develop on it the way they wanted to, because they were recognizing that these people were becoming like It's a giant cult that was next door and all these people were moving in.
01:23:10.000 And so they said, oh really?
01:23:12.000 Okay, we'll just start buying the houses in this town and knocking on everybody's door and go, how much do you sell your house for?
01:23:18.000 It's a tiny little house.
01:23:19.000 Or a tiny little town.
01:23:20.000 So just like a Bisbee type place.
01:23:21.000 They started buying everybody's house.
01:23:23.000 And then they started shipping in homeless people.
01:23:25.000 They shipped in homeless people and took care of them so the homeless people would vote.
01:23:28.000 Dude, the whole thing is they let anybody join.
01:23:31.000 Just get on a bus, you can join.
01:23:32.000 And they drove them out there to Utah.
01:23:35.000 And then they created thousands Thousands and thousands of people.
01:23:39.000 And they took these people and they made them a part of the community and they used them for voting and they took over this town. 1.00
01:23:46.000 It's fucking crazy, man. 0.99
01:23:47.000 When you're watching it, you're just like, how is this not mainstream news? 0.99
01:23:52.000 How is this not like Jonestown Massacre?
01:23:54.000 It seems almost more impressive.
01:23:56.000 Less people died.
01:23:58.000 Well, I don't know the dark element of that.
01:24:01.000 That's what I don't remember. 0.99
01:24:02.000 I know they did some fucking things. 0.98
01:24:04.000 Yeah, I don't want to give it away. 0.99
01:24:05.000 You've got to watch it.
01:24:06.000 Yeah, don't give it away. 0.99
01:24:07.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.97
01:24:09.000 And what's amazing is they've got so much footage. 0.99
01:24:11.000 You could see what these guys were like, like carrying machine guns.
01:24:14.000 They took over the police force.
01:24:15.000 They called it the Peace Force. 1.00
01:24:16.000 But they've all got fucking semi-automatic rifles and shit. 1.00
01:24:19.000 Well, it's like Warren Jeffs in, what's it, Colorado City? 1.00
01:24:23.000 I think that's Utah.
01:24:25.000 Arizona-Utah border.
01:24:27.000 Yeah, he's a Mormon, right? 0.76
01:24:28.000 Yeah, he's in prison now, but he's still running things from prison, and the family's still somewhat...
01:24:36.000 What did they get him on?
01:24:37.000 They get him on polygamy?
01:24:39.000 Yeah, child. 1.00
01:24:40.000 He had a fucking, like, a 16-year-old wife. 1.00
01:24:43.000 One of his wives. 1.00
01:24:45.000 Yeah, child rape. 1.00
01:24:47.000 Oof. 0.57
01:24:49.000 There's a good documentary about that.
01:24:51.000 It's a false prophet, something prophet. 0.98
01:24:54.000 Oof.
01:24:56.000 Do you know that that's the whole reason why Mitt Romney's family is from Mexico?
01:25:01.000 Did you know that?
01:25:02.000 No.
01:25:03.000 Mitt Romney's family moved to Mexico back when they made polygamy illegal in Utah.
01:25:08.000 Oh.
01:25:08.000 Yeah.
01:25:09.000 What is this?
01:25:10.000 An exclusive look inside the compound Warren Jeff shared with 79 sister wives.
01:25:16.000 He was hashtag ballin'.
01:25:21.000 79. Homeboy has 79 wives.
01:25:23.000 And they're all ugly as fuck. 1.00
01:25:26.000 That's how you gotta roll. 1.00
01:25:27.000 The hot bitches are not gonna stay. 1.00
01:25:28.000 I think there was a hot one. 1.00
01:25:32.000 That got out.
01:25:33.000 She's in the documentary.
01:25:35.000 Yeah, the Mitt Romney clan, they moved to Mexico when they started putting all these restrictions on them.
01:25:42.000 In the United States, like, no polygamy, no this and that.
01:25:45.000 So was his parents?
01:25:47.000 Super Mormons. 0.95
01:25:48.000 But were they polygamists?
01:25:50.000 Well, they were in the ones that left and went to Mexico.
01:25:54.000 Whether they were still polygamists when they were his parents, I don't know.
01:25:58.000 But when they initially established that sect...
01:26:01.000 They moved to Mexico specifically to avoid the laws of the United States.
01:26:05.000 And there's several of them.
01:26:06.000 There's more than one family there, and they have to fight off the cartel.
01:26:09.000 There was a vice piece on it. 1.00
01:26:11.000 Fucking crazy, man. 1.00
01:26:13.000 These people, they're armed to their tits, wandering around their compound. 1.00
01:26:19.000 They got fucking barbed wire fences everywhere, and they're worried about the cartel coming in. 0.99
01:26:23.000 And they get kidnapped, and they have to pay ransom, and everybody knows they have money. 1.00
01:26:28.000 It's fucking crazy, man. 0.99
01:26:31.000 That's Mitt Romney's parents. 1.00
01:26:33.000 Polygamists versus the cartel? 0.93
01:26:37.000 Yeah, I forget the name of the vice piece.
01:26:41.000 Just meet Mitt Romney's Mexican Mormon family. 0.92
01:26:44.000 Drug cartels versus Mormons. 0.99
01:26:46.000 It's a seven-part series.
01:26:47.000 Yeah.
01:26:47.000 Oh, that's what it's called.
01:26:48.000 There it is. 0.99
01:26:49.000 It's fucking wild. 0.99
01:26:51.000 So they go over to Mexico and hang out with these people. 0.99
01:26:54.000 You go to Mexico and they have this enormous Mormon community in Mexico.
01:27:00.000 Fortified.
01:27:01.000 Someone was telling me about you have some viral piece snapping on immigration and anyone who will take away their baby from their parents.
01:27:14.000 Yeah, it was just me and Duncan talking on a podcast about how crazy it is that people are like, oh, should have broke the law.
01:27:21.000 Should have broke the law. 0.99
01:27:22.000 Something about trying to get rid of the fucking... 0.99
01:27:25.000 If you believe that's okay, don't follow me. 1.00
01:27:29.000 Don't listen to me.
01:27:30.000 Well, I said you're not on the team.
01:27:32.000 Like, the team of humans.
01:27:33.000 Like, if we're going to act as a country...
01:27:35.000 The thought is we're going to act as a country.
01:27:37.000 We've got to all think we're going to help each other.
01:27:39.000 We're going to support each other.
01:27:40.000 We're going to look for the values of community from these team members that are on this team together.
01:27:45.000 But if someone's like, shouldn't have broke the law.
01:27:48.000 Oh, she's losing her kid. 1.00
01:27:49.000 Shouldn't have broke the law. 1.00
01:27:50.000 How the fuck are you going to let someone like that on the team? 1.00
01:27:54.000 The way it was described to me last night was that you were telling a lot of your fan base to fuck off. 1.00
01:28:01.000 And I don't know if you're getting what I'm getting. 1.00
01:28:04.000 Is a lot of fucking MAGA, you know, fucking Nazi-type shitheads... 1.00
01:28:11.000 Who also like you. 1.00
01:28:12.000 Yeah. 0.96
01:28:13.000 And I said it on stage last night that the same way people can be offended at a buzzword without hearing the whole bit because you said cunt or retard or something, they just completely tune out and walk out without hearing the context of the whole piece of material... 1.00
01:28:33.000 The same way people can become attracted to you because you said, you know, faggot Jew. 1.00
01:28:43.000 Right, right, right, right. 1.00
01:28:44.000 Without hearing the context of the bit.
01:28:46.000 And I'm having to force people.
01:28:50.000 Like, I don't want you as a fan.
01:28:51.000 I have enough fans.
01:28:53.000 I have my little niche base and you can go away.
01:28:56.000 And like the libertarians, I have to distance myself from them because that was always a split of...
01:29:03.000 You know, civil libertarians and Legalize, you know, drugs and that versus snake handling, homeschooling Christian types that don't want the government involved in them raising freak kids. 1.00
01:29:19.000 Right, right, right.
01:29:19.000 But now it's like, it seems like all the good parts are now just anti-Trump, like we have to vote Democrat and the bad parts of the libertarians are the whole now.
01:29:31.000 I'm not a fucking... 0.98
01:29:33.000 I lean libertarian... 1.00
01:29:36.000 Not the party, but the ethic, I lean that way, but I'm not calling myself a libertarian anymore because it's a bunch of fucking Nazis. 0.98
01:29:46.000 Not all of them, but I'm saying a lot of people have, it's become, you know, like the good parts have left. 0.98
01:29:54.000 Well, I think there's just a problem with groups.
01:29:58.000 Whenever you have groups, you're going to have the fringe. 0.98
01:30:01.000 And when you have the fringe, whether it's the fringe stupid or the fringe radical right or the fringe radical left, they sort of define the group and they taint it. 0.96
01:30:09.000 And if you have a group that anybody can join, like, do you have libertarian ideas? 0.99
01:30:12.000 Yes, I do.
01:30:13.000 I support a lot of libertarian philosophy.
01:30:15.000 Good.
01:30:16.000 Become a libertarian.
01:30:17.000 You'll be with us.
01:30:19.000 You know Dave Smith at all?
01:30:20.000 From Legion of Skanks? 0.91
01:30:21.000 My mayor.
01:30:23.000 Oh, different guy.
01:30:24.000 Dave Smith from New York, comic from New York, is a legitimate libertarian.
01:30:28.000 I think I just did a podcast with him.
01:30:30.000 I'm sure you did.
01:30:31.000 Did you do the Skanks in Legion of Skanks? 0.81
01:30:35.000 Yeah, but I think it was without Big J. I don't know.
01:30:38.000 Okay.
01:30:38.000 I was...
01:30:41.000 Promoting my book.
01:30:43.000 So I was doing like 18 things in a day and drinking the whole time.
01:30:49.000 I'm a little loose on the details.
01:30:52.000 Yeah, I know those kind of podcasts.
01:30:54.000 I think there's...
01:30:57.000 That's a legitimate concern. 0.59
01:30:58.000 Like this podcast where I go, you know what, I'm not gonna fucking smoke in his studio this time and I'm not gonna drink. 0.85
01:31:03.000 It's working. 0.76
01:31:04.000 And here I am.
01:31:05.000 But the smoke thing's working.
01:31:07.000 It's not bad at all in here, right?
01:31:09.000 It's pretty good.
01:31:10.000 It's way better than it would be if there was no fan thing. 0.98
01:31:13.000 What the fuck were we just talking about? 0.98
01:31:15.000 David Smith. 0.99
01:31:17.000 Oh, but libertarians.
01:31:18.000 Yeah, but the problem is just being in groups, man.
01:31:23.000 Identifying as a right-wing, identifying as a left-wing.
01:31:27.000 So many people that identify, just grab those ideas that this other team has.
01:31:33.000 And usually one issue, immigration, I'm against it, so I'm right-wing. 0.98
01:31:39.000 Yeah.
01:31:39.000 The rest of your day...
01:31:41.000 Abortion.
01:31:41.000 If you're pro-choice, you have to be left-wing.
01:31:45.000 Like, there's the right-wing people that go pro-choice, they get attacked.
01:31:50.000 That's one of those weird things where I think racism will stop them overturning Roe vs.
01:31:57.000 Wade.
01:31:58.000 Racism will?
01:31:59.000 Yeah, they're against abortions, but not for all these Mexicans having all these kids. 1.00
01:32:07.000 That might be the only way.
01:32:10.000 Right?
01:32:10.000 I was on Frankie Boyle's show and I was saying that the only way that Trump would overturn gun control or put in gun control laws is because school shootings are the only time he's not on CNN. It takes like 30 people to die on a schoolyard before CNN stops talking about him for a minute.
01:32:38.000 Steals his air time.
01:32:40.000 We're going to ban these assault rifles because I'm not getting air time.
01:32:46.000 They're talking about these dead kids.
01:32:47.000 Get me back on TV. Even if they had a story about a school shooting, they would have Russia scrolling across the bottom.
01:32:54.000 The scroll across the bottom is like the ultimate insult to your attention span. 0.99
01:32:58.000 It's like, I know you can't pay attention to just what's on the screen, stupid, so I want to give you some extra data. 0.98
01:33:02.000 How about the stock market? 0.98
01:33:03.000 I'll leave it for you up here.
01:33:04.000 You know how much money you're losing constantly.
01:33:06.000 And then follow this ticker tape of sadness and despair below you.
01:33:10.000 Are you in the stocks?
01:33:11.000 No.
01:33:12.000 I mean, I have a business manager and some of it's invested in some different things, but I don't pay attention to it.
01:33:17.000 I get some stocks where a friend of mine talked me into...
01:33:24.000 And I get it, like, every couple months my stockbroker calls, Doug, it's Steve Viafor!
01:33:30.000 I want to make some moves!
01:33:32.000 And, like, last time I actually wrote down, he'll just start spewing this jargon where I put him on speakerphone in the van when we're on the road so everyone can hear his...
01:33:41.000 He just...
01:33:42.000 I go, do you fist pump? 1.00
01:33:45.000 Are you on top of a desk like Wolf of Wall Street fist pumping as you're selling me this bullshit? 1.00
01:33:50.000 Because I have no idea what you're talking about. 1.00
01:33:52.000 Oh...
01:33:58.000 But it's fun.
01:34:01.000 I get stocks.
01:34:04.000 Initially, it was in everything terrible, like Philip Morris and Kraft.
01:34:09.000 And Bingo's like, can the Kraft be my...
01:34:12.000 I love Kraft macaroni and cheese.
01:34:13.000 Can that be my stock?
01:34:15.000 I go, yeah.
01:34:15.000 You can look it up in the USA Today to see if it went up or down.
01:34:20.000 Yeah, that's tobacco money.
01:34:22.000 I mean, you smoke cigarettes.
01:34:24.000 You should be allowed to invest in tobacco. 1.00
01:34:26.000 But yeah, they're into a lot of other shit, too. 0.99
01:34:29.000 Oh, sure. 0.99
01:34:30.000 I don't know if I own that anymore.
01:34:31.000 I had Pfizer stock.
01:34:34.000 That's a good one, too. 1.00
01:34:35.000 Yeah, Viagra, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and fucking cigarettes. 1.00
01:34:39.000 Sure. 1.00
01:34:40.000 Just the stock market itself. 0.99
01:34:42.000 Just trying to pay attention to that, too, on top of all the other shit you're supposed to be paying attention to. 0.98
01:34:47.000 You're supposed to be paying attention to stocks and bonds and up and down and... 0.99
01:34:53.000 Yeah, I stopped paying attention because I'd get these calls where he's moving it into this and I don't know and then I have to fucking look up if it's up or down and I don't give a shit. 0.99
01:35:04.000 Well, if you're working on your act... 0.98
01:35:06.000 If you're going to do your podcast, you're working on your act, you're getting ready to go on the road, you're going over your material, how much fucking time do you have to pay attention to the stock market and really know what you're investing in and really doing the research on the company? 0.59
01:35:20.000 Oh, I don't.
01:35:20.000 Of course.
01:35:21.000 No.
01:35:22.000 It's crazy.
01:35:23.000 I get reports and I see if this number is higher than this number. 0.99
01:35:28.000 There's just no fucking time, Douglas. 0.98
01:35:30.000 There's no time. 0.99
01:35:31.000 You know what?
01:35:33.000 For you, there's no time. 1.00
01:35:35.000 Because you do a lot of shit, and you're very ambitious. 1.00
01:35:38.000 To an almost pathological extent. 1.00
01:35:42.000 Where I have all the fucking time in the world, and I'm always riddled with anxiety. 0.97
01:35:49.000 Like, I can't... 0.97
01:35:50.000 I do nothing, but I can't enjoy it.
01:35:53.000 It's not like I'm relaxed, like there's something I should be doing all the time to where I'm paralyzed in bed because I don't know what it is I should be doing.
01:36:04.000 I know there's something.
01:36:05.000 Well, I think if you do more things, that feeling goes away.
01:36:09.000 Like if you do things that you're really tuned into, things that require your attention, then the anxiety of not doing things goes away.
01:36:19.000 But then you're doing things.
01:36:20.000 I want to enjoy doing nothing.
01:36:22.000 Like I told you, after this week, by the time this airs, it'll be Monday, and I will be retired.
01:36:29.000 And I do this as often as I can.
01:36:31.000 Every few years, I quit comedy.
01:36:34.000 In my mind, where I just, I have nothing on the books.
01:36:36.000 I have no dates booked.
01:36:38.000 Now I don't have an act. 0.84
01:36:39.000 I have used this act in every fucking English-speaking place that I've done, you know, all of the U.S., and now I've done everything international. 0.97
01:36:49.000 I've done fucking expats in Vietnam have heard this fucking act, and I have to start from scratch, and that's, we talked about this, you're starting a new hour. 0.99
01:37:00.000 Yeah, it's ruthless. 0.99
01:37:01.000 It's a ruthless process.
01:37:02.000 So I want to have that moment, mentally, where I can do anything in the world right now. 0.99
01:37:08.000 I can just, I can fuck off, I could write another book, or I could, but I have no commitment. 0.99
01:37:15.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:37:15.000 And just having that. 1.00
01:37:17.000 And I still won't enjoy it, because I'll just sit there, anxiety-fueled, going, uh, I should do something.
01:37:24.000 Well, we're always looking for a break.
01:37:26.000 We're always looking for that moment of relaxation, the moment where I just, ah.
01:37:30.000 But sometimes your brain is wired.
01:37:32.000 For me, that means having nothing... 0.99
01:37:34.000 I don't want to have a gig booked a fucking year from now. 0.88
01:37:39.000 But when you do that, do you feel good? 0.98
01:37:41.000 You've done it a few times.
01:37:42.000 Do you feel good?
01:37:43.000 I can make it a few months.
01:37:46.000 I'm not a person who needs to be on stage.
01:37:48.000 I can not do that, but I have to do something.
01:37:51.000 Do you get bored?
01:37:52.000 No, I drink too much.
01:37:55.000 Because I have no reason not to.
01:37:57.000 Hey, sure.
01:37:58.000 Mimosas at 11?
01:37:59.000 Well, that's not going to stop.
01:38:00.000 Well, you've written two books now.
01:38:02.000 Yeah.
01:38:03.000 Do you write books during those periods?
01:38:05.000 Or do you just write them during normal times?
01:38:08.000 I wrote those two books because I agreed to and cashed the check first.
01:38:12.000 Then you have to write the book.
01:38:14.000 I'm not a guy who does things on spec.
01:38:17.000 Zzz.
01:38:18.000 Hey, this is a great idea for a TV show.
01:38:22.000 Let me write it up and shop it around.
01:38:25.000 No. 0.97
01:38:26.000 I get to check first, or I sign the contract first, or I agree to do the gig first, and then go, fuck, I'm going to have to have a new hour before I do that tour. 0.98
01:38:37.000 And then I start writing. 0.95
01:38:41.000 But again, I have minimal needs. 0.99
01:38:45.000 My shit's paid for and I don't have kids. 0.99
01:38:48.000 I'm not in a pickle like you. 1.00
01:38:51.000 No, you've done it really well as far as how to manage your time.
01:38:55.000 Manage your time and manage your freedom.
01:38:58.000 You got it in a good place.
01:39:00.000 You've been very smart with money too. 0.89
01:39:02.000 You didn't do anything stupid and get drawn out, you know? 0.95
01:39:07.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:39:08.000 Live low.
01:39:09.000 Yeah, just live smart.
01:39:11.000 Buy thrift store clothes.
01:39:14.000 I live in a small town.
01:39:15.000 It's a good way to do it, man.
01:39:18.000 I think what I seek that I don't have right now is the balance between the large numbers of people, the pressure, and then more downtime.
01:39:28.000 I feel like I don't have enough downtime.
01:39:31.000 And then I just think, just as a person who's paying attention to the way my brain works, I'm like, this is not that healthy.
01:39:37.000 I'm doing too many things.
01:39:39.000 I should have less things to do.
01:39:42.000 It was so much fun to watch you at that, what's the show you did, stand up off the top of your head.
01:39:49.000 Oh, stand up on the spot.
01:39:50.000 Stand up on the spot.
01:39:51.000 Yeah.
01:39:52.000 And you're like, yeah, it's really fun.
01:39:54.000 Come on up. 0.60
01:39:56.000 Yeah, you just, and I saw you do that the last time I was in town, and it was fucking brilliant.
01:40:01.000 I go, that was just, you were just riffing that? 0.65
01:40:04.000 That's not, because you were talking about, yeah, I only have like 10 minutes, like I'm trying to write a new act, and I only have like 10 minutes of good material, and then I watched you do 10 minutes off the fucking top of your head that was brilliant, but it was really funny to see you in that back bar going, 0.99
01:40:19.000 yeah, but I gotta be fucked up to do it. 0.98
01:40:23.000 Hammer and drinks. 1.00
01:40:24.000 You kind of have to be.
01:40:25.000 I've done that show sober.
01:40:27.000 You want to be super high and at least two drinks in.
01:40:31.000 That's what you want.
01:40:32.000 You want to be lit. 0.96
01:40:34.000 You don't want to be too lit because then you'll go down a dumb path that doesn't really work.
01:40:39.000 You want to be lit enough that you're lubed.
01:40:42.000 Yeah.
01:40:43.000 Yeah, you're lubed, but you're still moving good.
01:40:46.000 You still go, oh, okay, here's what's wrong with that.
01:40:49.000 Whom!
01:40:50.000 And then you go right into it like it's a bit.
01:40:51.000 Just start talking and wait for the funny words to come out.
01:40:54.000 Don't pause.
01:40:55.000 Yeah, don't think about it too much.
01:40:56.000 Don't think, just start talking.
01:40:57.000 Just exercise those weird improvisational muscles, you know?
01:41:02.000 But it doesn't always work.
01:41:03.000 My last one was not good.
01:41:04.000 I did one like a month and a half ago or two months ago.
01:41:07.000 When was the last one?
01:41:08.000 It wasn't good.
01:41:08.000 I got nothing out of it.
01:41:09.000 Sometimes you just get nothing.
01:41:11.000 Do you record?
01:41:12.000 Yeah, always.
01:41:13.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:41:15.000 You'll get these gems out of that show where you're like, oh geez, this is my next five minutes.
01:41:19.000 I've got it.
01:41:20.000 It's right there.
01:41:20.000 I know where this goes.
01:41:22.000 This is going to go to that, and that'll go to this, and I can tie it all together.
01:41:25.000 Boom.
01:41:26.000 I record, but it...
01:41:29.000 To get to that gem, if I just did an hour and 40 minutes, hammered, and there was three things.
01:41:37.000 Well, Bingo used to be on the road with me, and she would sit in the back with a yellow legal pad, and she knows my act. 0.97
01:41:43.000 So if I come up with something new, she'll write that down, and the next day in the van, go, oh, you said this, you said this. 0.99
01:41:50.000 I'm like, oh, fuck, that's great. 1.00
01:41:51.000 And you don't have to listen to yourself and cringe for fucking 90 minutes. 1.00
01:41:55.000 But you know what, dude? 0.99
01:41:56.000 Here's the thing.
01:41:56.000 Listening to yourself and cringing is good for the act.
01:41:59.000 It's the best thing.
01:42:00.000 It's the best thing you can do.
01:42:02.000 But at the same time, I hate myself so much that it's disheartening.
01:42:07.000 Is that what I sound like?
01:42:09.000 I shouldn't do this. 1.00
01:42:11.000 I fucking suck. 1.00
01:42:13.000 Familiarity breeds contempt. 1.00
01:42:15.000 And when it's yourself, too, if you're going to be worth a fuck, you're going to be hypercritical of yourself. 0.99
01:42:20.000 It's just a fact. 0.99
01:42:21.000 So you're watching or listening to yourself and you're just like... 1.00
01:42:24.000 Oh, shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:42:26.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:42:27.000 Oh, it's the worst.
01:42:28.000 I heckle myself. 0.99
01:42:30.000 Alone listening to myself in Dropbox and I'm like, just get to the fucking point! 1.00
01:42:36.000 Yelling at myself. 0.99
01:42:37.000 What do you record with?
01:42:38.000 You record with your phone?
01:42:39.000 Chaley records.
01:42:40.000 Chaley records.
01:42:41.000 What is it?
01:42:42.000 Does he use an MP3 player or something like that?
01:42:44.000 It's a little unit that we...
01:42:46.000 If we're on the road and we just bring two mics to podcast on that little thing...
01:42:51.000 Oh, like a Zoom?
01:42:52.000 Yeah.
01:42:52.000 Yeah, the Zoom.
01:42:53.000 Yeah, that'll be better.
01:42:54.000 I think it's that.
01:42:55.000 I do it on my phone just so I have them there all the time and then I listen to them on my way home.
01:43:00.000 I have a ritual.
01:43:01.000 I listen to the set on the way home unless I don't have to.
01:43:04.000 Like if I do a set and I'm like, that was just textbook.
01:43:07.000 It was just by the book.
01:43:08.000 Autopilot.
01:43:09.000 Yeah.
01:43:10.000 But if there was some new bit or one of those stand-up on the spot shows, I listen to it all the way home.
01:43:16.000 And then once I get home, then I'll break out the laptop.
01:43:18.000 Then I'll start writing.
01:43:19.000 I'm like, alright, I got the spark going. 0.99
01:43:21.000 Let's see what the fuck comes out of this. 0.99
01:43:23.000 And I just feel like a lot of it is just throwing shit against the wall until something sticks. 0.99
01:43:27.000 And if you're not out there throwing shit, it's not going to stick. 0.99
01:43:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:43:31.000 But while you're doing it, I can't believe I'm throwing all this shit. 1.00
01:43:35.000 A lot of times when you get so bored with a bit you know... 0.99
01:43:42.000 Any special, I probably have three...
01:43:45.000 I have to do these three bits, but then you're tired of them, and then I just start fucking around with it, just to make it interesting for me.
01:43:56.000 That's a lot of the times where you find, oh, this works.
01:44:01.000 Yeah.
01:44:01.000 Sometimes it works better, right?
01:44:03.000 Yeah.
01:44:03.000 Sometimes you'll find...
01:44:05.000 Comedy is one of those weird things that you have to do it in front of people.
01:44:08.000 You can write and you can get seeds, but you got to plant those seeds in the dirt of the crowd.
01:44:14.000 This is the only way.
01:44:16.000 It's the only way.
01:44:19.000 Occasionally I'll come up with a bit and it's done when I come up with it.
01:44:22.000 Like I know the premise, I have the setup, I got the punchline, boom, and it's done.
01:44:27.000 And you can bring it to the stage and it never changes.
01:44:29.000 But that's like one out of a hundred bits.
01:44:31.000 Maybe, right?
01:44:32.000 Yeah.
01:44:34.000 This was my first show in the States since March.
01:44:38.000 I started in Southeast Asia, and then Australia, and then Canada, and then the UK. And I go, I know a lot of these tags are going to fucking work if I ever get back to the States.
01:44:50.000 This is not getting what it should get, but it's also...
01:44:54.000 And there was other bits.
01:44:56.000 Last night was my first show in the States where...
01:45:00.000 I'm really excited to see it. 0.98
01:45:02.000 Usually it's the opposite, where I go, I don't know if any of this is going to work in fucking Europe. 0.98
01:45:07.000 Right, right. 0.99
01:45:08.000 Now it's like, I can't wait to see what works, like what people will get offended at, that they don't give a fuck in Australia. 0.99
01:45:16.000 Right. 0.99
01:45:17.000 It's never too brutal there.
01:45:19.000 But with the seismic shift in the political and social landscape now.
01:45:26.000 It really has been seismic, right?
01:45:28.000 Yeah.
01:45:29.000 Yeah.
01:45:29.000 But my audience is pretty much immune to that.
01:45:34.000 Yeah.
01:45:35.000 Where, hey, you can't talk about this anymore.
01:45:37.000 I can.
01:45:39.000 Well, it reinforces your audience.
01:45:42.000 It reinforces your relationship with the audience because they know, oh, well, Doug will give us the real deal.
01:45:46.000 He'll give us real comedy.
01:45:49.000 People are scared to do real comedy right now.
01:45:51.000 Real comedy requires, occasionally, it requires offense.
01:45:55.000 You gotta offend people.
01:45:56.000 I don't have a sponsor or a network that can, you know, sanction me.
01:46:04.000 They will fire you for anything now.
01:46:06.000 It's the weirdest time ever for getting fired.
01:46:08.000 People are getting fired for things that don't make any sense.
01:46:11.000 I'm not popular enough to get protested or have people try to, you know, Lean on the venue.
01:46:20.000 Yeah.
01:46:20.000 Yeah, I think it will be good for me.
01:46:24.000 Well, Jamie, is it you that said that Kanye West, that people were calling the area at the time we live in, cancel culture?
01:46:30.000 This is cancel culture.
01:46:33.000 And everybody is just looking to cancel things.
01:46:36.000 Cancel Roseanne Barr. 1.00
01:46:38.000 Cancel that bitch. 1.00
01:46:38.000 I was talking to you about, at the same time, I have to watch how I freeze things because I don't want that fucking Nazi element. 1.00
01:46:50.000 Right. 0.99
01:46:50.000 Right. 0.99
01:46:51.000 I'm talking in hyperbole. 1.00
01:46:54.000 Yeah, they're not Nazis, but a lot of people that are fuckheads. 0.99
01:46:58.000 I don't want that group. 0.99
01:47:01.000 I am not anti-Me Too by any means, although I do make jokes about it, and I have rape material, and I have...
01:47:11.000 But I... It's almost like the fucking Me Too movement has pushed the fucking MAGA people into my court. 0.99
01:47:20.000 Like, hey, don't fucking move them over here. 1.00
01:47:23.000 That's funny. 0.97
01:47:24.000 Yeah.
01:47:27.000 It's a funny time.
01:47:29.000 It's a time of great communication, for good or for bad, and probably for both.
01:47:37.000 But there's more communication going on right now than pretty much ever.
01:47:41.000 Any time that I could ever remember.
01:47:45.000 I'm furrowing my brow at what you mean by communication, because I think there's a lot of disinformation.
01:47:53.000 I'm not saying spectacular lines of thinking that lead to transformative shifts in culture.
01:48:00.000 But it's just yapping.
01:48:02.000 More people are yapping in comments.
01:48:04.000 They're yapping on Twitter.
01:48:06.000 They're yapping on Facebook.
01:48:07.000 They're yapping on Instagram.
01:48:08.000 There's more yapping.
01:48:10.000 It's more blogs and yapping and video yapping.
01:48:12.000 There's more communication.
01:48:14.000 There's a lot of opinions.
01:48:16.000 My Twitter feed where you go, hey, you used to write jokes on here.
01:48:21.000 I know.
01:48:22.000 Ari put a whole thing about all these comedians saying things that aren't even remotely funny about issues.
01:48:28.000 And how uninformed are a lot of those opinions?
01:48:36.000 If you questioned a lot of these comics, three levels below the surface, how much do you really know about this issue that you're speaking about?
01:48:48.000 Because I remember when I... Boo!
01:49:06.000 That's just surface knowledge enough to make it funny and then I move on. 0.99
01:49:11.000 I'm not home studying this shit afterwards. 0.87
01:49:14.000 I know enough to make a salient point, which I can stand behind, but if you had me on a panel talking about it, now all I know is the bit. 0.99
01:49:24.000 That was the extent of my knowledge with a fistfuck joke at the end. 0.59
01:49:29.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:49:31.000 Again, it's too much shit to know. 0.99
01:49:33.000 There's no way you could know most of the issues that are pressing today. 0.99
01:49:38.000 There's no way. 0.86
01:49:38.000 If you have an actual job and an actual life and friends and shit you like to do, there's no way. 0.86
01:49:44.000 So we've got a bunch of people that are arguing about shit that they're not even barely informed about. 0.99
01:49:47.000 And my brain is beaten to a pulp. 0.99
01:49:50.000 Again, I read a book, two days later, I remember if I liked it or not.
01:49:56.000 And I might remember one fact from that that I can turn into a bit.
01:50:04.000 Yeah.
01:50:05.000 What do you think your brain is occupying?
01:50:10.000 How do you think it's operating?
01:50:12.000 Do you think your brain is operating at 50% of what it was when you were 21?
01:50:16.000 75%?
01:50:19.000 I care about a lot less.
01:50:22.000 Right.
01:50:23.000 So how much of it is that? 0.99
01:50:27.000 Well, I mean, a lot of it is fucking alcohol and age. 0.99
01:50:31.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:50:32.000 I blame the alcohol probably as much as I should, but I know people that are my age that they can't remember a fucking thing and they don't drink. 0.77
01:50:44.000 Well, I think too many things happen to people in their lives, too. 0.78
01:50:47.000 I think it's impossible to remember everything.
01:50:50.000 You know, they have that thing where you can only keep a certain amount of people in your brain.
01:50:54.000 It's all Dunbar's number.
01:50:56.000 A certain amount of people in your tribe, like 150 people.
01:50:59.000 You can keep intimate relationships with 150 people in your brain.
01:51:02.000 I bet that's the case with life experiences, too.
01:51:04.000 I bet that's the case with information.
01:51:07.000 I think you only have a certain amount of database space in your brain. 0.99
01:51:12.000 And I think some people really exercise it and expand the capacity and get it pretty impressive, but there's still only room for a certain amount of shit. 0.97
01:51:21.000 If you're really paying attention to some things, the other things you're kind of half-assed. 0.98
01:51:26.000 It's just the way of being a person.
01:51:28.000 We're not designed for perfect output in every single category of things that we do.
01:51:35.000 We're designed to pay a lot of attention to some things, and as long as food and shelter is taken care of, we kind of barely pay attention to other things.
01:51:42.000 Yeah.
01:51:43.000 That's what we do mostly.
01:51:44.000 But today, the chatter, the yapping back and forth and people wanting to be right.
01:51:49.000 I mean, I watch battles, like Twitter battles, all day long sometimes.
01:51:53.000 Just watch these people go back and forth.
01:51:55.000 Everybody just trying to be right.
01:51:58.000 That's never happened before.
01:51:59.000 There was never this much, because people are doing this mostly probably while they're at work, right?
01:52:04.000 They're supposed to be doing other shit and like, oh yeah? 1.00
01:52:06.000 Well, I'll show you, you fucking piece of shit, you fucking Nazi. 1.00
01:52:08.000 You know, and they're just typing shit at each other and going back and forth with each other when they're not getting anything done. 1.00
01:52:14.000 They're supposed to be working somewhere. 0.98
01:52:17.000 It's an old bit about nationalism, but...
01:52:21.000 Because of the current climate, people tweet that clip a lot. 0.91
01:52:25.000 And then, because my name is in, then they start an intellectual Twitter war, which is the worst, when people are using big words and fucking lots of facts and excerpts from Smart Fuck Magazine in a Twitter battle. 1.00
01:52:42.000 It's one thing, yeah, fuck your mother. 1.00
01:52:44.000 Right. 1.00
01:52:44.000 My team's better than your team and that shit. 1.00
01:52:46.000 But when they're having these intellectual discourses about whatever, fucking climate change or nationalism or immigration, but they keep me in the fucking thing because it started with a... 1.00
01:53:01.000 YouTube clip so my name, my handle is in there and they don't take me out of the fucking thing so I'm involved in these long threads between two assholes who are trying to outsmart each other. 0.99
01:53:14.000 You're doing this on Twitter. 0.98
01:53:15.000 You can't have a legitimate argument.
01:53:18.000 That's what I told Roseanne. 0.99
01:53:19.000 Don't fucking try to tweet your way out of this. 0.99
01:53:22.000 Right. 1.00
01:53:23.000 If you're going to tweet at all, just keep tweeting crazy shit until it puts the tweet in question into this fog of war. 1.00
01:53:33.000 If I was a fucking cleaner, I would have flown to her house. 1.00
01:53:40.000 If I was Ray Donovan, I would have flown to her fucking house and I would say, keep... 1.00
01:53:45.000 Here's more Ambien. 1.00
01:53:46.000 Here's more fucking malt liquor. 1.00
01:53:49.000 You just keep tweeting crazy shit until it's completely fucking snowed over. 1.00
01:53:57.000 Until that's the least of your problems. 1.00
01:53:59.000 Exactly.
01:54:04.000 It's so true. 0.94
01:54:05.000 I think most of the people that are tweeting all day either don't have a job and they're just addicted to Twitter, or they're at work and they're just fucking off and they're supposed to be working.
01:54:17.000 And so this is way more engaging to them because they're already stuck in this office, so they're making sport.
01:54:22.000 Out of, like, going after people or getting at people or communicating with people.
01:54:27.000 They're making sport out of it. 1.00
01:54:29.000 It's flexing their intellectual muscles because they're, you know, trying to find a good argument to your point that makes you look fucking stupid. 1.00
01:54:37.000 Doing it in 280 words. 1.00
01:54:40.000 It's fucking fascinating. 0.98
01:54:41.000 I mean, we've all done it. 0.98
01:54:44.000 Oh, yeah.
01:54:44.000 I love Twitter trolling.
01:54:48.000 But when it's stupid, just like fucking with people. 1.00
01:54:51.000 Well, you were trolling way back in the day. 1.00
01:54:56.000 Message board.
01:54:58.000 But you were trolling child molesters.
01:55:01.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:55:02.000 An AOL instant messenger those days.
01:55:05.000 Yeah, that's the book I made a best of. 0.99
01:55:09.000 Honestly, that was the funniest shit I've ever written. 0.96
01:55:13.000 What year was this? 0.99
01:55:14.000 That was the late 90s.
01:55:17.000 When I did the aristocrats, and they go, you just make up the joke however you want it. 0.99
01:55:22.000 I just took verbatim stuff I did baiting pedophiles and just used the shit I was doing fucking with them. 0.99
01:55:31.000 I almost forgot about your baiting. 0.99
01:55:34.000 You had a website, right?
01:55:36.000 They had a website.
01:55:37.000 They had a website.
01:55:38.000 And they had stopped doing it because they got bored with it. 0.92
01:55:41.000 So it was like fucking Huckleberry Finn painting the fence where, oh, hey, we'll get you to...
01:55:47.000 I asked them, hey, can I do this and submit them to your site? 0.98
01:55:51.000 I don't know how we had that much fucking time. 0.96
01:55:54.000 I would spend 14-hour days just trying to get a fucking full one because you'd get one that went halfway through and the guy bails out because he figures out you're fucking with him and it's not printable. 0.99
01:56:07.000 How did I have that much time? 1.00
01:56:08.000 I remember spending 12 hours on free poker sites, playing poker, and then trolling the people because you can chat while you play poker and then fucking with people and just being an asshole. 1.00
01:56:22.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:56:22.000 How did I have 14 fucking... 1.00
01:56:24.000 Because you didn't have a job. 1.00
01:56:25.000 I still don't have a job.
01:56:27.000 And I still have probably that much free time.
01:56:30.000 But now I'm successful.
01:56:32.000 So I feel like I have to keep doing something productive.
01:56:37.000 Well, you're also wiser.
01:56:38.000 You realize, like, how much time you actually invested into that versus what you got out of it.
01:56:44.000 You know, I mean, how many different pedophiles did you try to contact for one of them started talking about his death?
01:56:50.000 Well, you have to wait for them to contact you, was the point.
01:56:53.000 Because you have your profile set up.
01:56:55.000 I'm a 13-year-old girl, like, hot talk with older men.
01:57:02.000 Oh, you wrote that?
01:57:03.000 Yeah, however you set it up. 0.99
01:57:05.000 I mean, it's written cleverly, so you're not getting other fucking 13-year-old kids talking to you. 0.99
01:57:14.000 But just the amount of time fucking off and having fun with it. 0.97
01:57:18.000 There was a funny story that I heard about a DEA, undercover DEA agent, who moved in to try to arrest another undercover DEA agent, and they were playing each other back and forth against each other, and they didn't know that both of them were cops the entire time. 1.00
01:57:32.000 You fucking assholes. 1.00
01:57:34.000 Just wasting money. 1.00
01:57:36.000 Just wasting money investigating each other. 1.00
01:57:40.000 So fucking stupid. 1.00
01:57:43.000 Both sides undercover. 1.00
01:57:44.000 Like, what the fuck, man? 0.99
01:57:47.000 If Trump started talking about that, if he really wanted to keep people around... 1.00
01:57:52.000 If you really wanted to get people on the side, I think what he would do is start making drugs legal and start saying, listen, folks, there's a reason why there's a problem in Mexico.
01:57:58.000 And when you talk to real economists and real advisors...
01:58:00.000 Oh, you were talking about that on stage last night.
01:58:03.000 Yeah.
01:58:03.000 Yeah.
01:58:04.000 The real problem is the drug war.
01:58:05.000 Make drugs legal.
01:58:06.000 I was thinking about that, but... 0.99
01:58:09.000 Well, first, meth is a fucking... 1.00
01:58:15.000 It's just such a fucking horrible drug. 1.00
01:58:18.000 Ruthless. 1.00
01:58:19.000 They make a lot of that in Mexico as well.
01:58:20.000 Yeah.
01:58:21.000 It's a ruthless drug.
01:58:23.000 It's a ruthless drug. 0.99
01:58:24.000 But I think part of the reason why it's so fucked up is because all of it is illegal. 1.00
01:58:28.000 I mean, that's a big part of why it's so fucked up is because it's not regulated. 0.99
01:58:33.000 It's not measured. 0.99
01:58:35.000 It's the doses are not...
01:58:36.000 It doesn't say on the box what'll kill you.
01:58:39.000 You know, you can go and buy this old camp whiskey at any corner store, right?
01:58:45.000 You just go in there and buy it.
01:58:46.000 Drink that whole thing.
01:58:47.000 Drink that whole thing if you weigh 100 pounds. 0.96
01:58:49.000 You're dead. 1.00
01:58:50.000 You're dead. 1.00
01:58:51.000 We all know that. 0.99
01:58:52.000 I was thinking about that.
01:58:52.000 If I did run for mayor, I'd have a, like, they have the gun exchange programs.
01:58:58.000 You have a meth exchange?
01:59:00.000 Yeah, a meth for mushrooms.
01:59:02.000 Ooh, that's a great exchange.
01:59:03.000 Yeah, give them good drugs.
01:59:04.000 They're doing this because it's cheap and available.
01:59:08.000 Well, get them on good drugs.
01:59:10.000 That's actually a really good way to approach the subject.
01:59:13.000 It wasn't one of the things that Hunter S. Thompson said when he was running for sheriff of Pitkin County.
01:59:17.000 He said, any drug worth taking shall never be sold.
01:59:21.000 And we'll put stocks in the middle of the city to lock up dishonest drug dealers. 1.00
01:59:28.000 It's like drugs should be free.
01:59:30.000 We're going to arrest drug dealers.
01:59:32.000 I think if we made everything legal, we'd have real problems, for sure, for quite a long period of time.
01:59:37.000 The question is whether or not you have enough resources to parent your kids to keep those problems from happening to your family, whether or not you have enough self-control to keep yourself from being one of those problems when drugs become legal and accessible.
01:59:51.000 But then, once it's settled down, From there forward, we'd be moving in a way healthier place.
01:59:56.000 And you essentially take all of the money out of the cartel.
02:00:00.000 They're not making any money anymore.
02:00:02.000 And then they're not going to be this murderous gang.
02:00:05.000 It's going to take a while for things to dissipate, but look what they did to Colombia. 0.99
02:00:08.000 I mean, Colombia used to be fucking crazy, and now you can go there and it's supposed to be really nice. 0.94
02:00:14.000 You go to Bogota, it's supposed to be a really nice place. 0.98
02:00:17.000 It's safe.
02:00:17.000 I want to go to South America, and I can't...
02:00:20.000 I mean, yeah, South America, it's the only continent I haven't been to.
02:00:25.000 Antarctica doesn't count, but there's nothing...
02:00:29.000 I've never found a place that looks like I want to go there.
02:00:31.000 Argentina looks badass.
02:00:33.000 Really?
02:00:33.000 Yeah.
02:00:35.000 Argentina's near the glacier. 0.99
02:00:36.000 It's fucking beautiful down there. 0.99
02:00:39.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:00:39.000 I know Rhodes talks highly about it, but he's Argentinian. 0.99
02:00:43.000 Is he?
02:00:44.000 Some of his...
02:00:45.000 He's got family down there.
02:00:48.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:00:50.000 Look, there's some fucking beautiful spots. 0.99
02:00:52.000 Beautiful spots in this country. 0.99
02:00:54.000 In this world.
02:00:56.000 But South America, the weirdest thing is how much jungle it is.
02:01:03.000 You look at how much of Bolivia and Brazil, how much of it is actual jungle. 0.99
02:01:10.000 You're like, holy shit! 0.99
02:01:12.000 Like, no wonder why these people down there. 1.00
02:01:13.000 But almost every one of them has some kind of fucking rebel army shit going on and kidnapping. 0.99
02:01:19.000 There's nothing that seems safe like Costa Rica. 0.99
02:01:23.000 You know you're probably not going to have a lot of issues.
02:01:26.000 Right, right, right.
02:01:27.000 But everything I've looked up is...
02:01:29.000 I was on the beach in Costa Rica with my kid and some dude offered me coke.
02:01:33.000 Ha, ha, [...
02:01:36.000 I was walking, holding hands with a five-year-old, and a dude was offering me coke.
02:01:41.000 I'm like, not right now, brother.
02:01:43.000 Not right now.
02:01:45.000 It's just like, I'll just get you whatever you want, gringo. 1.00
02:01:47.000 You know, you come down here to party? 1.00
02:01:49.000 I know you don't live here, motherfucker. 1.00
02:01:51.000 You come here for a good time. 1.00
02:01:53.000 Where'd you go?
02:01:55.000 I don't remember, man.
02:01:56.000 It was a couple of years ago.
02:01:57.000 But we drove to a couple of different places in Costa Rica.
02:02:02.000 Did you fly into San Jose or Liberia?
02:02:05.000 Liberia.
02:02:05.000 And then we went to the rainforest, did the zip lining.
02:02:10.000 Dude, I heard a horrible thing.
02:02:11.000 Yeah, that was just the honeymoon couple in Roatan.
02:02:15.000 Yeah, they crashed into each other and killed the guy and put the girl in a coma.
02:02:20.000 They crashed into each other on a zipline.
02:02:22.000 Yeah, so one of them gets stuck and the other guy's coming down. 0.99
02:02:26.000 It's like a fat kid and a fucking water slide gets stuck in the tube and then the next one comes down and smashes into him. 0.99
02:02:35.000 You're going so fast too, man. 1.00
02:02:38.000 You're going so fast.
02:02:39.000 You're on that zipline.
02:02:41.000 You're flying.
02:02:42.000 I did that once, just to say I did something the first time I went to Costa Rica.
02:02:48.000 Yeah.
02:02:48.000 That's enough.
02:02:49.000 After that, I'm happy, fat on a boogie board.
02:02:52.000 Yeah, I did it once too, and I kept thinking, when do they check this wire?
02:02:56.000 This wire's a mile long.
02:02:58.000 How are they checking this wire?
02:03:00.000 It's not a strong work ethic in Costa Rica either.
02:03:03.000 No, no.
02:03:04.000 Those dudes who work there, who are just climbing up and hitching people onto those things, like, they're a little too comfortable with the edge.
02:03:13.000 Those people are just a little too comfortable with hanging off of trees, clipping ropes onto wires, and shooting you down.
02:03:19.000 They're a little too casual.
02:03:22.000 A little too casual about that endeavor. 0.97
02:03:24.000 Yeah, one of the scariest things I've ever done is the cab ride from Haco to San Jose in the capital, and they're fucking speeding around what should be like 15 mile an hour curves, and there's an ox in a cart in the fucking middle of the road, 0.91
02:03:42.000 and you just say, there's a head-on collision coming now! 0.94
02:03:46.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:03:47.000 One of the things that I used to always be fascinated by Bourdain's show was his willingness to continue to go to these places where you had to take these trucks down these dirt roads and you look out the window and you see a sheer cliff and up ahead there's a fucking landslide.
02:04:02.000 Now they've got to bring in a tractor to move the rocks away from the landslide.
02:04:06.000 Oh, dude. 0.99
02:04:08.000 God damn it. 0.99
02:04:08.000 Vietnam, where you're in the cab from the airport, and there's just a sea, like a Sturgis of Vietnamese people. 0.99
02:04:18.000 They're all on this sea of motorcycles and scooters.
02:04:22.000 And you're literally...
02:04:26.000 Moving in your seat.
02:04:29.000 And somehow it works like Cirque du Soleil.
02:04:32.000 It looks like they're going to crash, but they don't crash.
02:04:35.000 Like those birds in the sky that move together?
02:04:38.000 Yeah.
02:04:38.000 How do they figure that out?
02:04:39.000 How do all of them get together?
02:04:41.000 Look at all these people.
02:04:43.000 Yeah.
02:04:44.000 This is insanity.
02:04:47.000 That is just straight insanity.
02:04:51.000 There's nothing there.
02:04:52.000 Cars are just driving through.
02:04:54.000 Have you ever been to Mexico City?
02:04:55.000 That might be the view from where I was staying.
02:04:59.000 I was staying in the hotel where they have the iconic picture of the last helicopter, CIA helicopter, taking off from the roof of the hotel and people are climbing to be the last person on the hotel.
02:05:17.000 That was the hotel we were at.
02:05:20.000 Where that helicopter was landing is now a rooftop bar.
02:05:24.000 Wow.
02:05:25.000 And that was the hotel we did the gig in.
02:05:28.000 Vietnam's supposed to be awesome.
02:05:31.000 No?
02:05:32.000 If you're adventurous, if you're Tom Rhodes, I'm sure it's fantastic.
02:05:36.000 If you're me, where you're terrified to go out of the hotel, no.
02:05:40.000 No, not at all.
02:05:41.000 That rooftop bar is great.
02:05:43.000 Bourdain loved it.
02:05:44.000 It was like one of his favorite places to go.
02:05:46.000 He loved Vietnam.
02:05:46.000 No, that's where he ate with the president.
02:05:51.000 Yeah.
02:05:52.000 Obama.
02:05:52.000 That's right.
02:05:53.000 Who I still call the president.
02:05:55.000 The president.
02:05:56.000 He's my president.
02:05:58.000 He was my president.
02:05:59.000 Did you see when NBC wrote out about Oprah?
02:06:02.000 Here's to our president.
02:06:04.000 There was an amazing speech by our president.
02:06:07.000 NBC put it on their Twitter page. 1.00
02:06:09.000 And then someone came along and went, what the fuck are you doing? 0.98
02:06:14.000 I love what people say. 0.99
02:06:16.000 When you complain about something and they go, yeah, well, Obama did the same thing and no one said it.
02:06:24.000 I didn't know.
02:06:24.000 I didn't know?
02:06:26.000 And that's not the point. 0.99
02:06:28.000 It still sucks. 1.00
02:06:29.000 Yeah, he sucks too. 1.00
02:06:30.000 They act like when you make a point about an issue that it's a left or right thing, where you're actually defending a person. 1.00
02:06:39.000 No, this is fucked up and wrong. 0.99
02:06:41.000 Well, Obama did it. 1.00
02:06:43.000 Well, that's still fucked up and wrong. 0.99
02:06:45.000 I think Obama's a really fucking cool guy as a personality. 0.98
02:06:51.000 But I'm sure every president... 0.99
02:06:53.000 Yeah, Bill Clinton did horrible fucking things and increased sentencing for fucking drug stuff. 1.00
02:07:00.000 Yeah, but he was a good personality and I don't give a fuck. 0.99
02:07:05.000 Imagine being a guy or a girl that's supposed to be paying attention to every single issue that's going on in this country and making decisions about all of it and doing it all, investigating every single issue perfectly, getting all the right advice from all the advisors, 0.98
02:07:21.000 carefully considering each and every step. 0.99
02:07:24.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99
02:07:25.000 There's no way they can. 1.00
02:07:26.000 There's no way the president really knows what's going on with all the different problems in this country. 0.99
02:07:31.000 There's no fucking way. 0.98
02:07:32.000 No. 0.99
02:07:32.000 Impossible. 0.99
02:07:34.000 If we just became a cool country like Norway...
02:07:44.000 Close all the bases around the world.
02:07:46.000 Don't be world police. 1.00
02:07:47.000 We're just going to be a fun country like fucking Iceland. 1.00
02:07:50.000 Right. 0.99
02:07:51.000 Just bring all the troops back and no more.
02:07:53.000 You know what?
02:07:54.000 Go ahead.
02:07:56.000 We're disarming. 0.99
02:07:57.000 You guys, I think shit would calm down. 0.99
02:08:02.000 I think the world would calm down. 1.00
02:08:04.000 As long as we kept our guns.
02:08:09.000 As long as we keep our weapons and keep the same amount of people in the military, bring them back home, make them exercise here. 0.96
02:08:17.000 The problem is as soon as any one superpower drifts away, they leave a vacuum, and another superpower will try to rise up.
02:08:25.000 That's the big fear.
02:08:26.000 That's what the big military proponents fear, is that if we're not strong, someone else will become stronger, and then we'll be weak, we'll be attacked, and that it does happen other places in the world, and we can't be so naive as to think it'll never happen again. 1.00
02:08:40.000 So give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out, fuck it. 0.99
02:08:46.000 And I don't know how you can take any president seriously. 1.00
02:08:50.000 Now, as we're aging and put time in perspective, four years is nothing. 1.00
02:08:56.000 So I'm going to make a deal with you, and four years later, there's going to be another asshole who goes, nah, never mind. 1.00
02:09:03.000 Scrap that. 1.00
02:09:04.000 I think a dictator's not a bad thing, as long as he's a good one.
02:09:09.000 Yeah, you have a benevolent dictator.
02:09:11.000 That's what you want, like a monk.
02:09:14.000 No, I dictate we all have a good time. 0.99
02:09:17.000 Fucking 15-hour work week. 0.99
02:09:19.000 Well, here's the real question. 0.99
02:09:21.000 The United States was founded because people had decided they didn't like the way things were running in Europe.
02:09:26.000 They didn't like monarchies.
02:09:28.000 They didn't like being under the rule of a king or a queen.
02:09:30.000 They wanted to do it by elected officials.
02:09:32.000 They wanted to have a representative democracy or a representative democratic republic.
02:09:38.000 They wanted to figure out something new.
02:09:39.000 So they came over here and did it.
02:09:41.000 What would be the resistance?
02:09:43.000 What if, say, everybody tried to do what they did up in Oregon and start a new country somewhere? 0.99
02:09:50.000 And people are like, fuck this. 0.98
02:09:51.000 We're gonna go to this spot. 0.99
02:09:53.000 Look, global warming is clearing off some nice swatches of land in Antarctica. 0.65
02:09:57.000 We're just gonna move up there. 0.94
02:09:58.000 It's fucking beautiful and green. 1.00
02:10:00.000 Just fuck it. 1.00
02:10:01.000 We're done. 1.00
02:10:02.000 We're done.
02:10:02.000 And then over there, we're gonna barely have an army and just have a bunch of dudes on the lookout with guns, make sure we don't get robbed.
02:10:11.000 And that's it.
02:10:11.000 And, you know, healthcare, yeah, we'll pay for that.
02:10:14.000 Education, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll pay for education. 0.84
02:10:16.000 Yeah, do whatever you want to do. 0.99
02:10:18.000 Everyone's going to have 19 fucking kids and ruin it. 1.00
02:10:22.000 That's the problem, right? 1.00
02:10:24.000 Overpopulation.
02:10:25.000 But how long would it take to overpopulate Greenland?
02:10:27.000 Well, that's what they were trying to do.
02:10:29.000 I looked into Greenland as a weird place to go visit.
02:10:33.000 Iceland is fantastic.
02:10:34.000 It's just a little dull.
02:10:36.000 That's the problem with all these...
02:10:38.000 The best place to live is Norway and Scandinavia and Iceland.
02:10:43.000 But there is a...
02:10:46.000 It's kind of, everyone's nice. 0.81
02:10:48.000 It's like going to fucking, yeah, northern Minnesota, and everyone's nice, and there's no excitement. 0.65
02:10:54.000 There's no... 0.99
02:10:55.000 Right.
02:10:56.000 A buddy of mine that just said that about...
02:10:57.000 Adrenaline.
02:10:58.000 ...Montana.
02:10:58.000 He said he was living in Bozeman, and I said, you didn't love Bozeman?
02:11:01.000 He's like, it's all a bunch of boring white people that just, they're really into bikes. 1.00
02:11:05.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:11:05.000 Really into biking and being fit. 0.97
02:11:07.000 Yeah, they have great calves. 0.62
02:11:09.000 That's what he said.
02:11:10.000 Great calves and tans. 1.00
02:11:12.000 Boring white people. 0.97
02:11:16.000 But I mean, that's one of the good things about what you do is that you could be in your town and then you can go other places. 0.98
02:11:23.000 Yeah.
02:11:24.000 But you always have that town.
02:11:25.000 Versus if you get stuck.
02:11:27.000 Like, we were talking about people that are just living in Columbus, Ohio their whole life.
02:11:30.000 Not to pick on Columbus, but St. Louis, whatever.
02:11:33.000 Name a city.
02:11:34.000 Versus someone who travels around all over the place.
02:11:37.000 The same can be said about someone who lives in L.A. If you grow up here and you think this is the world...
02:11:42.000 This crazy, congested slab of humans piled on top of each other.
02:11:49.000 No, the rest of the world.
02:11:50.000 There's some spots we can go to where there's hardly anybody.
02:11:53.000 You ever been to Idaho?
02:11:55.000 You do Boise?
02:11:55.000 Oh, I lived in Idaho.
02:11:56.000 Did you?
02:11:57.000 Yeah, I lived in a town of 400 people for a while when I was 22. No shit. 0.99
02:12:02.000 Yeah, a little cabin on the South Fork of the Payette River, about 55 miles north of Boise. 0.99
02:12:10.000 There's some lakes up there where you go, I shouldn't even be allowed to be here.
02:12:14.000 Like, this is too pretty.
02:12:15.000 Like, this seems like you should have to pay to be here, or this should be restricted access or something.
02:12:21.000 Like, it's fucking gorgeous up there. 0.85
02:12:23.000 I was 22, and my wife left me. 0.95
02:12:27.000 I moved to Boise just because it sounded funny.
02:12:30.000 And I was doing that fraud telemarketing so I could do it anywhere there's a phone.
02:12:35.000 I'm in business.
02:12:36.000 And then...
02:12:37.000 After we moved to Boise and immediately my wife left me for my best friend We all moved out there together and then my other buddy that moved with us couldn't handle the stress So he went back to Vegas. 0.90
02:12:49.000 So I moved all my shit to Boise and within two weeks. 0.97
02:12:52.000 I'm alone So I moved up to this fucking I bought a cabin like a For sale by owner like I didn't get a loan. 0.99
02:13:03.000 I was like, I'm just going to give you... 0.97
02:13:04.000 What do you call it?
02:13:07.000 I just signed a contract and I'll pay you.
02:13:11.000 I didn't go through a bank.
02:13:12.000 Right.
02:13:13.000 Owner financed.
02:13:13.000 Owner financed.
02:13:15.000 And a little cabin.
02:13:18.000 Two bars in town. 0.99
02:13:19.000 And you were either a long branch guy or you're the dirty shame guy. 0.97
02:13:23.000 And I was a dirty shame saloon guy. 0.98
02:13:25.000 And I would drive... 0.92
02:13:27.000 Back and forth.
02:13:28.000 Because in a small town, they open around noon, but not necessarily at noon.
02:13:33.000 And how old were you then?
02:13:35.000 22. That's hilarious.
02:13:36.000 There's no fucking chicks there. 1.00
02:13:38.000 So you were- I would drive back and forth in front of the bar until Jolene showed up to open. 1.00
02:13:43.000 So if it's 12, 15, I've been just driving back and forth waiting for her to open. 0.97
02:13:48.000 And I lasted like six months, and then I had to ditch out on the fucking- Owner financing.
02:13:55.000 Yeah, at one point my buddy that moved back to Vegas came up and he was there for a couple months.
02:14:00.000 But we'd get on the phone just enough to pay our bar tab.
02:14:05.000 In fact, my bar tab, I traded out furniture when I bailed six months later.
02:14:11.000 I traded Jolene my furniture in the cabin for my bar tab. 0.98
02:14:17.000 Yeah, it was fucking crazy. 0.97
02:14:18.000 So you could set your own hours when you're doing that scam telemarketing stuff? 0.98
02:14:22.000 You just did it whenever you wanted to?
02:14:24.000 And they just got, like, you clocked in?
02:14:26.000 You got paid by the hour?
02:14:27.000 No, I was doing it out of my cabin.
02:14:29.000 Just pick up the phone.
02:14:30.000 I had leads I stole from Vegas.
02:14:34.000 And what did you do?
02:14:35.000 How did that work?
02:14:37.000 You'd call up businesses, and you had to pitch, and you won one of these awards, and you just have to buy this many pens, ad specs, advertising specialties, this mug with, hey, Joe, you won a big award,
02:14:53.000 and all you have to do is make a small purchase of these mugs with your business name on them, the Joe Rogan Podcast, and you're guaranteed to win this big award that's worth way more.
02:15:05.000 Wow, so it was just a total scam.
02:15:07.000 Yeah.
02:15:08.000 Wow.
02:15:09.000 But cleverly phrased, so to stay in that gray area of legal.
02:15:14.000 Oh, right.
02:15:16.000 I knew a dude who had a really interesting scam.
02:15:19.000 He had a scam where they were making...
02:15:23.000 It was a company that would allow you to fix your credit.
02:15:28.000 So they would give you a line of credit.
02:15:32.000 And you would buy things and then pay off the credit and it would boost your credit back.
02:15:38.000 So if you had fucked up credit, it was allowing you to fix your credit.
02:15:42.000 But the catch was, the only things you could buy with their credit card was things from their catalog.
02:15:47.000 I owe my soul to the company's story.
02:15:51.000 You know those things?
02:15:52.000 I don't know that scam, but I'm seeing where it's going.
02:15:56.000 Catalogs filled with stuff.
02:15:56.000 But say if something cost, you know, whatever it was, a toenail clip or if it cost like $3 at the grocery store, there it's $25.
02:16:06.000 So if you want to buy it, you're giving them a giant chunk of profit.
02:16:10.000 So they would ship these terrible little items and it would really actually boost these people's credit.
02:16:16.000 It actually did work.
02:16:18.000 So it was enough, but it was a total scam. 1.00
02:16:21.000 The only shit they can buy with your credit cards is stuff from your catalog, and everything's marked up through the fucking roof. 1.00
02:16:28.000 And this dude made millions on that. 1.00
02:16:30.000 Made millions.
02:16:32.000 That's what ad specs were.
02:16:33.000 The products, like when I was working for a company originally, we would have the black matte...
02:16:43.000 Pen with the gold metal Florentine trim and five lines of your ad copy on it. 0.98
02:16:48.000 And we'd be selling these fucking 25 cent pens for like $4 a piece. 0.95
02:16:55.000 But the scam that I was just getting into when I started doing comedy and then bailed out and went full-time in comedy was the invention ones, like the George Foreman. 0.98
02:17:07.000 Oh, like the grill?
02:17:09.000 Yeah.
02:17:09.000 Do you have an invention?
02:17:12.000 And it's just such a great scam because ego's involved and everyone thinks they should be on Shark Tank.
02:17:20.000 Those kind of people.
02:17:21.000 And you go, I can't say...
02:17:23.000 But I think what you have here, and then it's a multi-level where...
02:17:29.000 Invent help.
02:17:30.000 There it is.
02:17:30.000 Submit your invention idea to companies.
02:17:33.000 I'm not saying invent help is a scam.
02:17:35.000 I'm saying scams of that.
02:17:38.000 Do you have an invention?
02:17:40.000 And then there's a step one is we're going to do a patent research to see, and this is going to cost you this.
02:17:50.000 But honestly, Phil...
02:17:52.000 I think you're on to something.
02:17:54.000 I can't say that this is a million-dollar idea, but I know when I have a feeling.
02:18:01.000 It's the way you say it.
02:18:03.000 It would be so easy, and I was just starting to do that.
02:18:08.000 Did you feel awful when you get off the phone?
02:18:10.000 No.
02:18:12.000 I didn't feel awful till years later.
02:18:16.000 Well, I never did get into that fully, where I was just starting to do that out of my house, out of my apartment in Vegas when I'm going full-time in comedy.
02:18:28.000 But the other scams, no, I never felt bad.
02:18:32.000 They say, oh, they're ripping off old people. 0.99
02:18:35.000 No, we were ripping off young, greedy fucking people that think they're going to fucking get something for nothing. 0.99
02:18:42.000 Yeah, you know. 0.99
02:18:43.000 How does the invention thing work?
02:18:45.000 What if someone did have a good invention?
02:18:47.000 I don't know.
02:18:48.000 I never got that far into it. 1.00
02:18:49.000 I was just starting where I go, fuck this. 0.99
02:18:51.000 I don't have time. 0.99
02:18:52.000 I'm doing comedy.
02:18:54.000 I got an offer.
02:18:55.000 I moved to Phoenix and I got a job as a house emcee.
02:19:01.000 About six months after I started.
02:19:04.000 Fell in love with a girl in Phoenix, moved down there, got a job as a house emcee.
02:19:10.000 I was getting a free hotel room.
02:19:13.000 The club was in a Days Inn, I think it was.
02:19:16.000 So I got a free hotel so I had a place to live and I could do comedy five nights a week.
02:19:23.000 The gay chef loved me and would give me free food.
02:19:28.000 You do shows in Bisbee now.
02:19:31.000 I have other people come to Bisbee.
02:19:34.000 I filmed my last, it's a throwaway special, but I just did it as an experiment in the funhouse.
02:19:41.000 It's basically this room.
02:19:45.000 Maybe not quite this big.
02:19:47.000 It's an 18x20 box with a bar built and a little tiny stage in the corner.
02:19:53.000 And I've filmed, it's a pop-off vodka presents an evening with Doug Stanhope.
02:19:58.000 And we're selling it on VHS. I don't know if we're sold out, but the only physical copies are VHS. Really?
02:20:05.000 Yeah.
02:20:05.000 You can get it on Vimeo.
02:20:07.000 It's digital.
02:20:08.000 But I took about an hour's worth of material that...
02:20:11.000 I think there's only 20 minutes on the VHS, just the bit about Pop-Off Vodka Presents, where we tried to get sponsorship with Pop-Off, because it's fucking low-grade, shitty vodka, and I thought that would be a funny sponsor, and Brian reached out through channels. 0.83
02:20:29.000 They said Pop-Off wouldn't touch Doug Stanhope with a 10-foot pole. 0.86
02:20:34.000 That's what they said? 0.99
02:20:36.000 So I have this giant 20 minute fucking bit about it. 0.98
02:20:40.000 And I'm like, I'm going to be sponsored by Pop-Off Vodka against their will. 0.98
02:20:44.000 And I'm going to fucking make a special called Pop-Off Vodka Presents. 0.96
02:20:48.000 And I'm going to keep doing it until they give me a cease and desist. 0.96
02:20:53.000 But I took an hour of material that got cut out of other specials where I go, I really like that bit.
02:20:58.000 I just had to cut it down to an hour.
02:21:00.000 I'm going to put this out as the Pop-Off Vodka Presents.
02:21:03.000 That's hilarious.
02:21:04.000 Do they know?
02:21:06.000 Haven't gotten a cease and desist.
02:21:08.000 We sell t-shirts.
02:21:09.000 Pop Pop Vodka Presents. 1.00
02:21:11.000 Yeah, fuck yeah. 1.00
02:21:13.000 You got a special? 1.00
02:21:14.000 You're gonna tell me you're a fucking rot-gut fucking hobo tranquilizer fucking liquid? 1.00
02:21:26.000 Hobo is always the best word to use. 1.00
02:21:28.000 I think in the bit, I think I say hobo plasma.
02:21:31.000 I just...
02:21:34.000 It was a bit that I... But I want to experiment more with that.
02:21:40.000 And we've had a bunch of comics.
02:21:42.000 Olivia Grace, who opened last night, she came down. 0.96
02:21:46.000 Bisbee, for road comics, going to LA. I'm going to do gigs in Austin.
02:21:51.000 It's kind of on the way, so we've had a bunch of comics down and get drunk and go, hey, let's fucking do a show. 0.98
02:21:58.000 Because...
02:21:59.000 15 people in that room, it's tiny enough that that's a real audience and we've never had a bad show there.
02:22:05.000 That's hilarious.
02:22:07.000 So yeah, I want to film stuff.
02:22:08.000 I want to start experimenting with just putting out singles. 0.99
02:22:14.000 My bits are fucking... 0.99
02:22:15.000 You have bits that are fucking 17 minutes? 1.00
02:22:19.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:22:19.000 I'm not like Hedberg. 0.97
02:22:21.000 I don't have one-liners.
02:22:22.000 So I can take...
02:22:23.000 You know, a 16-minute bid and just sell that as a single.
02:22:28.000 99 cents on iTunes or I don't know how that side of...
02:22:33.000 It's not a bad idea.
02:22:35.000 You know, there's a lot of people that do their podcasts with subscription.
02:22:39.000 Like Nick DiPaolo just released his new podcast and he's doing a subscription service.
02:22:44.000 We have to pay to listen to it.
02:22:46.000 Can do it. 0.88
02:22:47.000 That's one of the things when I retire is figure out shit like Patreon I've heard about and you can do this. 0.79
02:22:54.000 Yeah, you just get people to give you money. 0.85
02:22:56.000 Yeah, that's nice.
02:22:57.000 They just give you money.
02:22:58.000 Just give me money.
02:22:59.000 They just give you money.
02:23:00.000 Like, I really support you on Patreon.
02:23:02.000 Like, there's a lot of people that do that.
02:23:04.000 They just do stuff.
02:23:05.000 Like, please support my Patreon.
02:23:06.000 Oh, please give me money.
02:23:08.000 Yeah, I don't really like working.
02:23:09.000 I like just talking in front of this YouTube camera.
02:23:11.000 So if you like me talking, please support my Patreon.
02:23:15.000 But when everyone talks about their new hour, I'm doing usually an hour and a half now, and I'm not doing five different bits that I really like that I just got bored with, but I still haven't recorded.
02:23:31.000 So I could put out...
02:23:33.000 A chunk of those, like, leftovers. 0.98
02:23:35.000 Yeah, no one's buying a fucking DVD anymore. 0.94
02:23:38.000 They're getting everything digital. 0.98
02:23:40.000 That's true.
02:23:41.000 So, yeah, why not just, hey, this is a great 20 minutes.
02:23:45.000 I'm tired of it.
02:23:46.000 Let's put it out.
02:23:48.000 Yeah, it's not a bad idea.
02:23:49.000 I mean, you could do YouTube Red, too, or, you know, you do it through subscriptions.
02:23:54.000 There's a bunch of different ways to do it now.
02:23:57.000 There's more options every day, too.
02:23:59.000 It's becoming interesting.
02:24:01.000 I know Amazon releases a lot of stuff now, too.
02:24:03.000 They're releasing a lot of stand-up.
02:24:06.000 It's really kind of amazing that there's only one YouTube.
02:24:09.000 That's what's really amazing.
02:24:10.000 I mean, Vimeo does exist, and it is good, but in terms of when people think of one platform where you get videos on, you really only think of YouTube.
02:24:21.000 Yeah, and monetizing.
02:24:24.000 I don't know how any of that works.
02:24:25.000 Jamie could tell you.
02:24:31.000 It's not that complicated.
02:24:33.000 Yeah, a lot of people do it. 0.92
02:24:34.000 Man, we're going to have to fucking start doing video for our podcast.
02:24:39.000 Yeah, how come you don't like doing that? 0.97
02:24:41.000 I just hate being on camera.
02:24:43.000 Like here, you have it subtle enough.
02:24:46.000 I remember your old studio where I'm looking at my face on a giant TV. I remember tripping that bad, bad thing.
02:24:55.000 Yeah, we shouldn't have done that way.
02:24:57.000 That way was dumb because when we realized somewhere along the line that when they were up on that screen, like we would look at ourselves on that screen, it would make you think about it.
02:25:06.000 And then somewhere along the line I said, let's stop doing this. 0.95
02:25:09.000 It just doesn't seem like the right way to do it.
02:25:11.000 Even if it's just a couple of GoPros.
02:25:13.000 Yeah, it's weird.
02:25:13.000 It's an added unnecessary element you're thinking about.
02:25:16.000 I don't think about that camera or that camera.
02:25:19.000 No.
02:25:19.000 Yeah.
02:25:21.000 God, I remember the first time I did your podcast and we were sitting on a couch.
02:25:28.000 So we're side by side, so it's awkward to look.
02:25:32.000 Yeah, and it was uncomfortable.
02:25:33.000 Couches are uncomfortable.
02:25:35.000 To like sit and talk, like sit up and talk, like you're sinking into them.
02:25:39.000 After a while, your back starts bothering you.
02:25:41.000 You want to look across at someone.
02:25:44.000 Yeah, it's going to be nine years in December.
02:25:48.000 Yeah, look at you. 0.83
02:25:56.000 Crazy.
02:25:56.000 Yeah, that couch was in Ari's house for a while.
02:25:59.000 Oh, you still have the make me hard sign.
02:26:01.000 Yeah.
02:26:02.000 That was offensive.
02:26:04.000 Too offensive for Comedy Central.
02:26:06.000 Yeah, so your fun house is like you have an extra house.
02:26:11.000 So you have like your main house where you live in, and then you have the fun house that has a bar.
02:26:15.000 And then we have a guest house.
02:26:17.000 And you bought a couple houses in town too, right?
02:26:20.000 Yeah.
02:26:21.000 Yeah.
02:26:22.000 Yeah, we got a few.
02:26:23.000 You're becoming your own Oregon cult.
02:26:27.000 You just slowly buy up the town.
02:26:29.000 Start renting it out to people that you like.
02:26:32.000 That's the Free State Project.
02:26:34.000 Remember that whole libertarian movement to try to get everyone to move to one state?
02:26:39.000 Yeah.
02:26:39.000 And that way we can all vote.
02:26:41.000 Because we get 1% of the vote nationally, but if we all lived in one state, then we could...
02:26:46.000 Yeah, then they picked New Hampshire. 0.99
02:26:48.000 I'm like, I'm not going to fucking New Hampshire. 1.00
02:26:50.000 Fuck you. 1.00
02:26:50.000 Fuck you. 1.00
02:26:52.000 It's just too hard to get laid up there. 1.00
02:26:54.000 It's too fucking cold. 0.98
02:26:56.000 It's too cold. 0.99
02:26:57.000 I haven't seen winter in many years.
02:27:00.000 I remember Fitzsimmons got kicked out of a gig up there, and they had told him not to drive at night because there's so many moose on the road.
02:27:09.000 But they kicked him out of the gig for swearing.
02:27:11.000 They fired him.
02:27:12.000 When he got there, they had his bags packed when he got off stage.
02:27:16.000 And they said, you're fired.
02:27:17.000 Get out of here because you're supposed to be there for the weekend.
02:27:19.000 And they made him drive home.
02:27:21.000 I'm guessing this is a long time ago.
02:27:23.000 Oh, yeah.
02:27:23.000 We were both starting out.
02:27:25.000 Fucking Fitzsimmons is a hothead. 1.00
02:27:27.000 Oh, he's a hothead. 1.00
02:27:28.000 I never saw that in him.
02:27:30.000 Oh, yeah.
02:27:31.000 He's Irish.
02:27:33.000 He's always been a hothead, as long as I've known him. 1.00
02:27:35.000 I did his podcast a few years ago, and he almost came to fisticuffs with a fucking parking attendant, like, fuck you! 1.00
02:27:42.000 You want to fucking, like... 1.00
02:27:44.000 Really? 0.99
02:27:44.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:27:45.000 In his face, just fucking beat red. 1.00
02:27:48.000 He was going to beat the fuck out of the guy. 1.00
02:27:50.000 He just ignored me. 0.99
02:27:50.000 He was so angry. 0.99
02:27:52.000 Like, I'm just waiting there to do his podcast, and he just...
02:27:55.000 He blows by me like I'm a problem too. 1.00
02:27:58.000 Like, fuck. 1.00
02:27:59.000 Just enraged. 1.00
02:28:00.000 That's hilarious. 0.97
02:28:02.000 And psycho.
02:28:02.000 Yeah.
02:28:03.000 And then we get on the podcast and he's fine.
02:28:05.000 He's a professional.
02:28:07.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:28:07.000 I fucking love Fitzsimmons. 0.98
02:28:09.000 I do too. 0.98
02:28:09.000 We started out together, like within a week apart from each other. 0.98
02:28:12.000 Oh, no shit. 0.98
02:28:12.000 Yeah, we were buddies when we were raw, open micers. 0.98
02:28:15.000 We used to steal jokes from each other.
02:28:17.000 Like, we didn't really have enough material to do, like, a half an hour. 1.00
02:28:21.000 So, like, he would do some of my shit, I'd do some of his shit, and he'd tell me, oh, yeah, that blowjob bit worked great, and fucking some shithole in the middle of nowhere. 0.99
02:28:30.000 Like, when you, when we first, we were, like, a year in, we were both about a year in when we started getting paid gigs. 1.00
02:28:36.000 Yeah.
02:28:36.000 But when you're a year in, you really don't have 25 minutes.
02:28:40.000 My first, my first, right before I moved to Phoenix, my first paid road gig was in Flagstaff for Sandy Hackett.
02:28:47.000 And I was co-headlining with a ventriloquist who'd never worked a comedy club.
02:28:53.000 He only worked his county fair circuits.
02:28:55.000 And he was, I remember he was so weird, uh, It was an old historic hotel that we were staying in that they put us up in.
02:29:04.000 The gig is in.
02:29:05.000 And he moved to a different hotel because this was so old he thought it was a fire hazard.
02:29:10.000 And he said one time he played a cruise ship and someone threw his dummy overboard.
02:29:16.000 And he can't go through that again if he lost his dummy in a fire.
02:29:20.000 So he paid probably as much as he was making for the gig to get his own hotel that was a decent hotel.
02:29:27.000 Jesus.
02:29:29.000 I remember, I think I only had to do like 30 or 35 minutes, and I was stretching to get 27 with everything I had.
02:29:39.000 And I remember stealing some jokes from one of the Vegas open micers where I lived, and going back and say, oh, hey, I used some of your material because I had to fill time, and then I find out later that was stolen material.
02:29:55.000 And they look at you sideways, oh yeah, okay. 1.00
02:29:58.000 And it was like really dumb shit. 1.00
02:29:59.000 Don't do it again, okay? 1.00
02:30:03.000 Yeah, those road gigs back then, I mean, you didn't realize it at the time, but all of it...
02:30:13.000 It builds up to be this giant education in how to do stand-up.
02:30:16.000 The foundation of those road gigs is irreplaceable.
02:30:20.000 All my favorite comics, they started out doing the road.
02:30:24.000 Everybody, Joey, you, Ari, Duncan.
02:30:27.000 I don't know if anyone has done this as a gimmick.
02:30:30.000 This is a town of gimmick shows.
02:30:34.000 My first notebook?
02:30:36.000 Has anyone done that?
02:30:37.000 Dude, yeah!
02:30:37.000 Owen Benjamin!
02:30:38.000 I mean, not Owen Benjamin.
02:30:39.000 Owen Smith.
02:30:40.000 Owen Smith has a show that he does online where I brought him some notebooks from like, 92. 91 and 92. Terrible material.
02:30:50.000 Terrible.
02:30:51.000 And we read over some of the jokes and I even had like, forced setups and forced like, audience interaction.
02:30:58.000 I had fake audience interaction where I'd ask them a question.
02:31:01.000 And pretend to hear an answer?
02:31:03.000 Oh, it was awful.
02:31:05.000 It was awful.
02:31:06.000 I'm like, am I right, ladies?
02:31:07.000 I had that as written in.
02:31:08.000 Is this on stage?
02:31:09.000 We did it in the back bar of the comedy store, and we were going over the notebook just laughing.
02:31:16.000 Oh, all right.
02:31:17.000 But I have quite a few.
02:31:17.000 I think that's a fun stage show.
02:31:21.000 You have to go up and do the act.
02:31:24.000 Right, right.
02:31:25.000 Well, the thing is, I don't...
02:31:28.000 I didn't have the act clearly written out.
02:31:31.000 But I'm saying you have to perform material from the first notebook.
02:31:35.000 Well, back then, if I wrote a hundred things down and one of them was halfway worth talking about, it was amazing.
02:31:44.000 Because I didn't know what I was doing.
02:31:45.000 My first notebook, I have written out my four minutes or whatever it was, including, hi, my name is Doug Stanhope, has written out.
02:31:59.000 Well, if you want to practice correctly, I know guys who used to practice in front of the mirror.
02:32:05.000 They would just stand in front of the mirror and do their act.
02:32:08.000 Hey, am I right or am I wrong?
02:32:11.000 What do we do here?
02:32:12.000 I don't know if I ever did that, but I was certainly the guy pacing in the back alley, saying it out loud, and with the hand gestures and everything.
02:32:22.000 Yeah, just going over it in your head.
02:32:24.000 I know a guy used to do his act on camera.
02:32:28.000 He'd do it alone in a room, like in a bedroom, set up a camera, and do his act to the camera, and then go back and watch it and analyze it.
02:32:35.000 Oh, you get those emails.
02:32:38.000 Hey, I'm doing comedy now.
02:32:41.000 Tell me what you think.
02:32:43.000 And you click on the link and it's a YouTube of them in their basement just talking to a camera by themselves.
02:32:50.000 Like with the eyes of that YouTube shooter lady? 1.00
02:32:53.000 Just creepy, reading you off their material?
02:32:58.000 Imagine having to do it again.
02:33:00.000 It's one of the things that Dane Cook said once.
02:33:01.000 The one thing that I could never imagine doing in life is starting over as a stand-up from the beginning again.
02:33:10.000 I have an idea, but I don't want to air it.
02:33:15.000 It's something that I want to do in my retirement years.
02:33:23.000 It's not quite that.
02:33:24.000 But when comics ask you The amount of emails, what advice do you have?
02:33:32.000 How do I start out?
02:33:33.000 Well, I don't know.
02:33:34.000 I haven't started in 28 years.
02:33:36.000 They just want to interact with you.
02:33:38.000 They're just trying to find a way to interact with you.
02:33:40.000 If they wanted to figure out how to start out, they're not going to be able to ask you.
02:33:43.000 They've got to go to open mic nights and ask those people.
02:33:46.000 If you haven't done open mic, go to an open mic and ask an open miker.
02:33:51.000 What do I do?
02:33:52.000 And if you're an open-miker that wants to get work as an MC, then ask an MC what he did.
02:33:59.000 Ask the guy just above you, because he knows. 0.99
02:34:01.000 I don't know how the fuck... 1.00
02:34:03.000 Do you think I know what the Dorfmans look for in a fucking... 1.00
02:34:07.000 Right. 0.98
02:34:10.000 Yeah, I mean, if you want to be a theoretical mathematician, you don't go to some guy who's teaching at Harvard and say, hey man, how do I get started?
02:34:20.000 I haven't gone to elementary school yet, but I'm thinking about it.
02:34:29.000 People that want advice, there's no way you can give them advice anyway.
02:34:33.000 You would have to see them a whole bunch of times.
02:34:35.000 And even then, you'd have to be like, hmm, what are you trying to do?
02:34:38.000 Where are you trying to go?
02:34:39.000 And then watch them more.
02:34:40.000 Watch them try to get better.
02:34:42.000 I mean, the best advice you could ever give them is do it, listen, Record. 0.75
02:34:46.000 Write down what sucks about it.
02:34:48.000 Write down what worked well.
02:34:49.000 Do it again. 0.98
02:34:50.000 Write, perform, suck, rewrite, repeat. 0.99
02:34:54.000 I've said that as a five-word response. 0.99
02:34:57.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:34:58.000 Write, perform, suck, rewrite, repeat. 0.99
02:35:01.000 Just keep doing it. 0.99
02:35:02.000 You have to keep doing it.
02:35:03.000 It's something that you're not going to be great.
02:35:05.000 Anybody who thinks they're going to be amazing at this right off the bat, you're like, ugh.
02:35:10.000 You can't.
02:35:11.000 It's not possible. 1.00
02:35:12.000 And if you're asking me, I might think you suck. 1.00
02:35:15.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:35:16.000 And if I say, well, you suck, well, other people might think you're funny, so don't listen to me. 1.00
02:35:21.000 That was the best, my refrain. 0.99
02:35:25.000 Joey Scazzola was a guy that was just a little above me, and I was giving advice to a kid that was just below me when I was just above open mic-er.
02:35:36.000 And Joey pulled me aside.
02:35:37.000 He goes, don't give these kids advice, because all you're ever doing is telling them how to be like you.
02:35:43.000 I go, yeah, that's true. 0.97
02:35:44.000 I would have fucking told Dane Cook, yeah, you're never going to be good at this. 0.97
02:35:51.000 Well, I'm not your audience. 0.99
02:35:53.000 Yeah.
02:35:55.000 Well, comedy's always going to suffer from that because there's no categories.
02:35:59.000 You know?
02:35:59.000 I mean, it's not like blues or...
02:36:02.000 Yeah.
02:36:03.000 Disco, you know, jazz, rock and roll.
02:36:06.000 It's just comedy.
02:36:07.000 And there's different kinds of comedy, different ways of doing it, but there's no categories.
02:36:12.000 They used to bill me as X-rated just because there wasn't a category, but they wanted to warn people.
02:36:18.000 Yeah.
02:36:18.000 Well, I have those signs that I still have on all my shows to this day.
02:36:22.000 It says, warning, Joe Rogan's show contains the strongest material content imaginable.
02:36:30.000 Because I got tired of people complaining. 0.94
02:36:32.000 I said, tell them that it contains the most fucked up things imaginable. 0.98
02:36:37.000 So if they read that and they go in, they couldn't be like, wow, I couldn't imagine that. 0.97
02:36:41.000 It says the most mature thing imaginable.
02:36:47.000 I remember playing Zanies in Chicago and having a really hard week of walkouts and angry people, even though they billed it as adult or X-rated.
02:37:00.000 Yeah, there's mine.
02:37:01.000 There you are.
02:37:02.000 I post that.
02:37:03.000 All my shows.
02:37:04.000 I've had that since 1990. Oh shit, that's why you were just in Tucson. 0.99
02:37:06.000 I didn't go. 1.00
02:37:07.000 Tucson's fucking great. 0.99
02:37:09.000 First of all, how cool does the desert look out there? 1.00
02:37:12.000 It looks fake.
02:37:13.000 The guy who was driving us told us that there were cactuses that have GPS in them because people were stealing cactuses. 0.94
02:37:20.000 So they put GPS in the cactuses and then arrest people at their house with a fucking cactus that they stole from the desert. 0.96
02:37:27.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:37:28.000 Did you drive back after that gig?
02:37:30.000 We went to Phoenix.
02:37:32.000 We drove to Phoenix.
02:37:32.000 You told me you were doing that.
02:37:33.000 That's why I didn't come up.
02:37:35.000 Yeah.
02:37:37.000 Originally, I was going to do other gigs that week, but too many things got moved around, and I wound up flying into Boise the next day.
02:37:44.000 When you travel to Asia, how many different places do you go where it's all expats? 0.93
02:37:51.000 It's all...
02:37:53.000 It's all expats.
02:37:54.000 That's the first time I've done one of those Tom Rhodes tours where Hong Kong, Singapore, we did Shanghai, Ho Chi Minh City, Tokyo.
02:38:09.000 Tokyo.
02:38:11.000 Tokyo is fascinating, huh?
02:38:13.000 It seems like a whole different world like this look at you You've landed in an alien world where the language is all different with the people look like us They're you know, but a little different. 0.60
02:38:23.000 Yeah didn't like didn't venture out much But yeah, it's pretty weird, but everyone's friendly. 0.92
02:38:30.000 Yeah Singapore is fucking amazing.
02:38:32.000 It's like that movie Elysium. 0.99
02:38:35.000 Oh really is absolutely safe beautiful No crime.
02:38:41.000 Super wealthy, right?
02:38:43.000 Very wealthy.
02:38:44.000 Like more than New York City?
02:38:45.000 Like more expensive to live in than New York City?
02:38:48.000 Don't know.
02:38:50.000 I know it's very expensive. 0.99
02:38:53.000 They were paying for all these five-star hotels and shit where I probably took a bath on the guarantee. 0.99
02:39:00.000 If I paid my own way, I could have done it way cheaper. 0.99
02:39:06.000 It's super wealthy. 1.00
02:39:08.000 Like, Hong Kong is all fucking international banker fucks. 1.00
02:39:13.000 That's high dollar. 1.00
02:39:14.000 And Singapore are the people that pay them. 0.85
02:39:17.000 Oh, wow.
02:39:19.000 So, you know, it wasn't the expats I was expecting.
02:39:23.000 So when you're there, like, how big are the places you're doing?
02:39:28.000 I was like 600-ish.
02:39:36.000 Mostly people from the United States?
02:39:38.000 Expats, yeah.
02:39:38.000 Oh, wow.
02:39:39.000 Well, not necessarily.
02:39:40.000 The States?
02:39:41.000 Somewhere, England, Australia, Canada.
02:39:44.000 And there's just a lot of people that move there for work? 0.98
02:39:47.000 Well, Hong Kong and Singapore, again, a lot of international banker, you know, fucking tight suits, lots of blow, probably. 0.99
02:39:56.000 Skinny jeans and blow. 1.00
02:39:59.000 Wolf of Wall Street fucks. 1.00
02:40:00.000 Want to see my new car? 0.99
02:40:02.000 Come on.
02:40:04.000 Vietnam, Bangkok, it's a little seedier.
02:40:07.000 How many different places did you do in Asia?
02:40:09.000 That was it.
02:40:11.000 Bangkok, Thailand, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Shanghai, I'm missing a couple.
02:40:21.000 Tokyo, Yeah, but it was so quick. 0.98
02:40:27.000 So you're doing a different country every day, so every day is another fucking visa, customs, border. 1.00
02:40:36.000 Doesn't that shit just crush you and your immune system, though? 1.00
02:40:39.000 The constant traveling? 1.00
02:40:41.000 When I'm traveling every day, I can only do that a few days in a row.
02:40:44.000 After a while, I'm like, what?
02:40:45.000 Because I don't get any sleep.
02:40:47.000 I don't sleep well when I'm getting up in the morning.
02:40:49.000 You've got to get up early for the flight.
02:40:50.000 Then you try to take a nap.
02:40:52.000 You barely sleep.
02:40:53.000 You sleep a few hours at night.
02:40:54.000 You've got to get up in the morning again.
02:40:55.000 You're doing a show, so you're wired after the show, and then you're like two, three days in.
02:40:59.000 You're exhausted.
02:41:00.000 Yeah, it was pretty brutal.
02:41:01.000 Yeah.
02:41:02.000 I think the way to do it is to just spread it out over long periods of time so that you do a gig and then you hang out in a city for like a few days, chill out, see what's there, then move on to the next place.
02:41:16.000 I liked, alright, let's get it out of the way, because those days off, I go, ah.
02:41:22.000 Right.
02:41:22.000 Oh, look at the temple.
02:41:23.000 Let's party.
02:41:24.000 Yeah, look at the Buddha.
02:41:25.000 Let's drink.
02:41:26.000 This guy with a Buddha.
02:41:28.000 I'm a lot healthier when I have a lot of gigs in a row because then I stay sober until it's showtime.
02:41:36.000 You tried quitting cigarettes for a while.
02:41:38.000 Yeah.
02:41:39.000 I always try.
02:41:40.000 How long did you do it for?
02:41:42.000 The longest was a year in 2008. Really?
02:41:46.000 I did six weeks of... 0.99
02:41:49.000 A couple years ago and then got a book deal and went, alright, that's the one thing I can't, fuck, I cannot write and not smoke. 0.99
02:41:56.000 Really? 0.99
02:41:57.000 Yeah, that's the hardest thing to do.
02:41:59.000 Quitting, like eventually, okay, yeah, I can go, I can drink and not smoke.
02:42:04.000 I can go out and I can do interviews on the phone.
02:42:08.000 That's usually where, oh, you gotta do interviews.
02:42:11.000 I'm chain smoking, but writing, like book writing.
02:42:14.000 No, it's just...
02:42:18.000 Constant.
02:42:18.000 Hinchcliffe had a real problem with that.
02:42:20.000 Who?
02:42:21.000 Hinchcliffe.
02:42:21.000 He would write.
02:42:22.000 He'd write for roasts and things like that.
02:42:23.000 Always be smoking cigarettes.
02:42:25.000 Always associated cigarettes with writing.
02:42:27.000 But he quit smoking cigarettes and it took him a while.
02:42:29.000 Said there was a cranky period.
02:42:31.000 Took a while to get over the hump.
02:42:33.000 Got one of those vape pens.
02:42:35.000 Yeah.
02:42:36.000 Yeah, Bingo uses those.
02:42:38.000 That's what I was gonna... 0.99
02:42:39.000 I said, I'm gonna bring your vape pen to Rogan's because I don't want to smoke and ruin his fucking studio again. 0.98
02:42:45.000 I think we're fine. 0.99
02:42:46.000 Seems to be working.
02:42:48.000 Good.
02:42:48.000 I mean, I could smell it, but I mean, there's no...
02:42:51.000 It's not like thick in the air.
02:42:53.000 The fan works.
02:42:55.000 Does it have filters, Jamie?
02:42:56.000 Do we have to clean filters?
02:42:58.000 Do we know anything?
02:42:59.000 After today. 1.00
02:43:00.000 After today, motherfucker. 1.00
02:43:03.000 Douglas, it's already two o'clock. 1.00
02:43:04.000 All right.
02:43:05.000 We did three hours.
02:43:06.000 Really?
02:43:07.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:43:07.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
02:43:08.000 That didn't even make sense. 1.00
02:43:09.000 All right.
02:43:10.000 Time flies by.
02:43:11.000 Yeah.
02:43:13.000 Anything to tell these fine people?
02:43:14.000 I have nothing to promote.
02:43:16.000 This airs on my first day of retirement.
02:43:19.000 The retirement of Doug Stanhope, which will be...
02:43:21.000 We're going to take a 10-day train trip, going nowhere but on the train.
02:43:25.000 Nice.
02:43:26.000 I mean, we go to Chicago, Tucson to Chicago, to Portland, down to LA, and back to Tucson.
02:43:32.000 Just have some fun.
02:43:33.000 Hanging around on a train.
02:43:34.000 Beautiful.
02:43:35.000 Yeah.
02:43:35.000 I love it.
02:43:36.000 Love fucking moving. 0.99
02:43:37.000 Yeah, man. 0.99
02:43:38.000 I mean, you don't have to do anything. 0.99
02:43:40.000 You can do whatever the fuck you want. 0.98
02:43:42.000 That's the American dream. 0.98
02:43:44.000 The American Dream is not just success, it's also freedom, right?
02:43:48.000 Freedom to do whatever, not be trapped, like, to be wise enough to not be trapped by your bills or your previous commitments, bang it out, make enough money, stockpile your finances, and go, okay, we're good. 0.96
02:44:00.000 It's just fucking chill. 0.93
02:44:02.000 Live cheap. 0.98
02:44:03.000 Discount meets.
02:44:04.000 Lesson to you all, America.
02:44:05.000 Live like Doug Stanhope, or don't.
02:44:08.000 Is that it?
02:44:09.000 Yeah.
02:44:09.000 That's it.
02:44:10.000 Good night, everybody.
02:44:11.000 Thanks!
02:44:11.000 Bye!
02:44:14.000 That was fucking three hours? 0.99