The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1143 - Candice Thompson

00:00:01.000 Four, three, two, one.

00:00:06.000 And we're live, Candice.

00:00:08.000 Hi, guys.

00:00:09.000 Hi.

00:00:09.000 Oh my god, we're live.

00:00:10.000 Oh my god.

00:00:11.000 What were you saying about Hereditary?

00:00:13.000 That's supposed to be a terrifying movie, right?

00:00:14.000 That's what they said.

00:00:15.000 That's what they said.

00:00:16.000 They meaning the media and like Huffington Post, I think.

00:00:20.000 So that's why I went because I'm not scared by anything like in the movies.

00:00:24.000 So I'm constantly in pursuit of an actual scary movie.

00:00:29.000 So I went thinking, oh, this might be the one.

00:00:30.000 It was not. 0.99

00:00:32.000 Damn, you're that hard that no movies get you? 0.99

00:00:34.000 I can't remember the last time I was scared. 0.99

00:00:36.000 I think Poltergeist when I was a kid.

00:00:39.000 And that's why I'm scared of clowns.

00:00:40.000 Nothing as an adult, though.

00:00:42.000 No.

00:00:43.000 I'm trying to think of the last time I was really scared.

00:00:47.000 Well...

00:00:47.000 See?

00:00:50.000 Yeah.

00:00:51.000 See?

00:00:52.000 They don't make...

00:00:53.000 Well, they're fun.

00:00:53.000 I like them.

00:00:54.000 That's how I feel.

00:00:55.000 I like...

00:00:55.000 And I also like thinking that something might get me.

00:00:59.000 I like the suspense in that, but it never does.

00:01:01.000 I always get...

00:01:02.000 It's very anticlimactic for me.

00:01:03.000 You're thinking that something might get you scared.

00:01:06.000 And it doesn't.

00:01:08.000 And it does not.

00:01:08.000 Jamie, when was the last time you were scared in a movie?

00:01:10.000 Jump scares are cheap.

00:01:13.000 Cheap scares.

00:01:14.000 That doesn't count?

00:01:15.000 No.

00:01:17.000 That doesn't count.

00:01:19.000 I don't go see scary movies at the theater, so...

00:01:21.000 So you're always at home, so you know...

00:01:23.000 Yeah.

00:01:24.000 Yeah.

00:01:25.000 The Strangers.

00:01:26.000 That one bothered me a little bit.

00:01:29.000 I was just...

00:01:29.000 Checking the weather?

00:01:30.000 No, I was just...

00:01:31.000 You're holding on to it like you're waiting for something to come in?

00:01:34.000 I was just sending out my Instagram story.

00:01:37.000 Oh, your Instagram story.

00:01:38.000 But yeah, no, The Strangers.

00:01:39.000 Did you see that one?

00:01:40.000 No.

00:01:40.000 That one was with Liv Tyler.

00:01:43.000 Did they have like masks on?

00:01:44.000 Yes.

00:01:44.000 They were outside the house trying to kill people.

00:01:47.000 That one rocked me a little.

00:01:49.000 A little.

00:01:50.000 Really?

00:01:51.000 Yeah.

00:01:52.000 Something about the dark, right? 1.00

00:01:54.000 You ever mind fuck yourself and you think that there's like someone outside? 1.00

00:01:58.000 Like you think you hear something, you open your door and you listen. 1.00

00:02:01.000 That actually has happened to me.

00:02:02.000 I had a peeping Tom.

00:02:04.000 Ooh.

00:02:05.000 I had a real guy outside of my window.

00:02:06.000 Did you know him?

00:02:08.000 I didn't see him.

00:02:09.000 I only heard him.

00:02:10.000 Oh.

00:02:10.000 My window was cracked and he started whispering to me through my window.

00:02:15.000 Whoa.

00:02:15.000 I have a joke about it now because it was the only way I could deal with it without, you know, getting too paranoid about it.

00:02:20.000 So I wrote a joke about it.

00:02:21.000 But I did.

00:02:23.000 I did.

00:02:24.000 But every time I tell people, they're like, that's terrifying.

00:02:26.000 And I'm like, yeah, that is terrifying.

00:02:27.000 But at the same time, it's like, it's kind of flattering.

00:02:30.000 Yeah.

00:02:30.000 Kind of flattering that he went out of his way to whisper at you through a crack in the window.

00:02:33.000 Yeah, all the windows he could have gone to, he came to mine.

00:02:36.000 Did you ever see what the guy looked like?

00:02:38.000 I didn't, but my neighbors did.

00:02:39.000 So he came one night and I heard him.

00:02:41.000 He started whispering to me.

00:02:43.000 He was like, I'll just tell you what he said.

00:02:45.000 It was terrifying.

00:02:46.000 I was watching...

00:02:47.000 Also, let me give the setup.

00:02:48.000 I was watching Mulholland Drive.

00:02:50.000 Have you seen...

00:02:50.000 Are you a David Lynch?

00:02:51.000 That's David Lynch, yeah.

00:02:52.000 That's what I had on.

00:02:53.000 I'm a David Lynch fan.

00:02:55.000 And I had that...

00:02:55.000 It was probably like 3 o'clock in the morning.

00:02:57.000 And I sleep with my window open because my place does not have A.C. What?

00:03:02.000 I know.

00:03:03.000 What?

00:03:04.000 What do you live in?

00:03:05.000 Montana?

00:03:05.000 Yes.

00:03:06.000 I just drove in for this today. 1.00

00:03:08.000 The fuck? 1.00

00:03:09.000 How can you live in L.A.? My place is old, and I think what happened was that it was built before AC was even invented. 1.00

00:03:16.000 So the windows are even old school, so I can't even put a portable...

00:03:19.000 They crank open, and the windows crank open like that.

00:03:23.000 So you can't even...

00:03:24.000 I'd have to probably get the manager to replace the window installments before I could even put an air conditioning in.

00:03:29.000 How do you survive this summer?

00:03:31.000 I don't know.

00:03:31.000 I just leave during the day, and then at night...

00:03:34.000 I have fans.

00:03:35.000 Jesus, woman. 1.00

00:03:37.000 No, I know.

00:03:37.000 It's awful.

00:03:37.000 Or I just spend the night at a friend's place.

00:03:39.000 That's the move.

00:03:40.000 That is the move.

00:03:41.000 I'll be here now.

00:03:43.000 And now I know the address.

00:03:44.000 Because it's so chilly.

00:03:45.000 It's nice in here, right?

00:03:47.000 This is perfect.

00:03:47.000 It's got its own thermostat.

00:03:48.000 This room does.

00:03:49.000 This is amazing. 0.99

00:03:50.000 I hate you. 0.92

00:03:51.000 No, you don't. 0.97

00:03:52.000 We're friends.

00:03:53.000 How dare you try to make me feel bad.

00:03:57.000 Don't feel bad for your accomplishments.

00:03:58.000 No, this is what I want.

00:04:00.000 I want that pink Himalayan salt light right there.

00:04:02.000 You can have that one.

00:04:03.000 I can take that?

00:04:04.000 Yeah, you can take that.

00:04:05.000 What do you mean?

00:04:06.000 We got an extra one.

00:04:07.000 Who just has random pink Himalayan salt rocks?

00:04:09.000 We do.

00:04:10.000 Joe Rogan.

00:04:10.000 You have a stuffed werewolf outside in a float tank.

00:04:13.000 Whatever.

00:04:13.000 I don't think it's stuffed.

00:04:15.000 It's not stuffed? 0.99

00:04:15.000 It would have to be like a real thing and then you kill it. 0.99

00:04:18.000 That is what it is, right? 0.98

00:04:19.000 That wasn't real?

00:04:19.000 No.

00:04:21.000 Imagine if it was.

00:04:22.000 I guess a polar bear is scarier than that.

00:04:24.000 If anybody were to have an actual werewolf, it would be you.

00:04:31.000 Can I finish my peeping Tom story now?

00:04:33.000 Yes, sorry.

00:04:33.000 Please, cute.

00:04:34.000 So, I heard him outside.

00:04:36.000 Was it hot out?

00:04:37.000 It was the summertime.

00:04:38.000 I think it was probably like July.

00:04:40.000 This was, I think, like two years ago.

00:04:43.000 Yeah, it wasn't awful.

00:04:44.000 It wasn't like it is like now, because this is kind of new.

00:04:47.000 I don't think L.A. has ever been this hot in the beginning of July.

00:04:50.000 So that's the end of days.

00:04:52.000 So anyway, I was in my bed watching Mulholland Drive, and I had been in and out of falling asleep.

00:04:57.000 And then all of a sudden, I heard like a...

00:04:59.000 outside of my window.

00:05:02.000 But I thought, at first, I thought it was the movie.

00:05:05.000 Right.

00:05:05.000 Because I was like, David Lynch is a weird dude.

00:05:07.000 Like...

00:05:08.000 Maybe this is like a director's choice to creep people out, to put murmuring in the background.

00:05:14.000 I did.

00:05:15.000 I thought that at first, so I ignored it.

00:05:16.000 And then probably 20 minutes later, I was like, something's telling me.

00:05:20.000 My gut was like, that's not the movie. 1.00

00:05:21.000 So I hit mute, and all of a sudden I heard, come on, baby, rub that sweet pussy. 1.00

00:05:27.000 Wow. 1.00

00:05:29.000 So you're on the first floor?

00:05:30.000 I'm on the first floor in my duplex.

00:05:32.000 That's a problem anyway, right?

00:05:33.000 It is.

00:05:34.000 Well, you know, anyone that's on the first floor, your upstairs neighbors are problematic because it sounds like they wear horseshoes and they're bowling all the time.

00:05:43.000 So yeah, the whole thing, living on the first floor is not a good idea.

00:05:46.000 But we have bars on like...

00:05:49.000 Most of the windows.

00:05:50.000 So that's not an issue.

00:05:52.000 I wasn't scared he was going to come in because the windows open, but then there's bars in front of it.

00:05:56.000 So I wasn't terrified about that.

00:05:58.000 But as soon as that happened, what was funny was that Ian Edwards, you know Ian Edwards.

00:06:04.000 I do.

00:06:04.000 Very funny comic.

00:06:05.000 Working with him tonight.

00:06:07.000 Do I have a...

00:06:08.000 at the store?

00:06:08.000 No.

00:06:09.000 The ice house.

00:06:10.000 The ice house.

00:06:11.000 Okay, yeah, no.

00:06:12.000 He was staying with me at the time because he had just sold his place in Reseda, which isn't far from here.

00:06:18.000 And then he was in our extra room at the apartment.

00:06:21.000 So I was like, Ian, I think there's somebody outside.

00:06:25.000 Can you, like...

00:06:26.000 You went to get Ian to go?

00:06:28.000 Who...

00:06:28.000 That was all I had.

00:06:30.000 What are you saying about Ian?

00:06:31.000 You don't think he could protect me?

00:06:32.000 He's Jamaican. 1.00

00:06:33.000 He's crazy. 0.94

00:06:34.000 I love Ian with all my heart.

00:06:37.000 But he's a vegan and he weighs 18 pounds.

00:06:40.000 He weighs less than me.

00:06:41.000 Yeah.

00:06:42.000 I'm careful when I hug him.

00:06:43.000 I hug you.

00:06:45.000 I hug you more firmly than I hug Ian.

00:06:48.000 I'm trying to get him to eat meat.

00:06:49.000 He told me he'll eat some of my elk meat.

00:06:51.000 No, he said he will.

00:06:52.000 Yeah, he just won't.

00:06:53.000 He said he will.

00:06:54.000 I don't believe him.

00:06:55.000 You don't believe him?

00:06:56.000 No.

00:06:56.000 You think he's lying?

00:06:57.000 Yeah, I think he's just doing that to a pizza.

00:06:59.000 No, no, he's asked me several times.

00:07:00.000 To try elk.

00:07:01.000 Yeah, he wants me to cook elk for him and he'll eat it.

00:07:03.000 Because he'll know it's a hunted animal.

00:07:05.000 You know, because he's a vegan, he doesn't want to eat anything that was killed from a factory farm.

00:07:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:11.000 I don't eat meat either.

00:07:12.000 Like, I do occasionally.

00:07:13.000 I'll have fish.

00:07:14.000 When Ian and I fly, every time we fly together, I take a picture of him five minutes into the flight, because he's always like this, out cold, five minutes in. 0.99

00:07:21.000 I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? 0.99

00:07:23.000 It's first thing in the morning. 0.99

00:07:24.000 We're supposed to be up?

00:07:25.000 Like, you just woke up.

00:07:26.000 How are you going back to sleep?

00:07:27.000 He's always so tired, and I go, dude, you've got to get blood work done. 1.00

00:07:31.000 It's your fucking diet. 1.00

00:07:32.000 I know it is. 1.00

00:07:32.000 You can do that vegan diet right, but you've got to be very disciplined. 1.00

00:07:37.000 You have to.

00:07:38.000 Yeah, you have to take all sorts of different supplements.

00:07:41.000 And you have to use algae.

00:07:43.000 You have to take algae.

00:07:44.000 And that's not the best source of B12. It's not as bioavailable as animal sources.

00:07:50.000 You know, all the fat-soluble vitamins.

00:07:53.000 It's just a nightmare.

00:07:55.000 You've got to really be on the ball.

00:07:56.000 Yeah, he's not.

00:07:57.000 It's not.

00:07:57.000 No.

00:07:58.000 Ian, I don't know if Ian's on the ball.

00:07:59.000 He was just on my podcast the other day, and he talked, it's called The Struggle.

00:08:04.000 The Struggle?

00:08:05.000 The Struggle.

00:08:05.000 Is that about life in LA? I have.

00:08:08.000 Yeah.

00:08:09.000 With no AC? Yes.

00:08:10.000 That's an ongoing.

00:08:12.000 That and my dating struggle are the ongoing.

00:08:14.000 Oh, the dating struggle.

00:08:15.000 Dating and not having air conditioning in.

00:08:17.000 You had a nice fellow with you at the Comedy Store the other night.

00:08:20.000 He seemed like a good guy.

00:08:21.000 He has since...

00:08:22.000 Departed?

00:08:23.000 Yes.

00:08:24.000 Launched him?

00:08:25.000 It was very brief.

00:08:26.000 Yeah, well, you seem like a nice fella.

00:08:28.000 I thought so, too.

00:08:32.000 It's not that he's not nice.

00:08:33.000 He just lives a lifestyle that I just can't, that we're not compatible.

00:08:38.000 We'll still be friends, I think.

00:08:39.000 I think we can get to the point where we'll be friends.

00:08:41.000 Because we were friends first.

00:08:42.000 So I think we can maintain that if I can't, you know.

00:08:46.000 The struggle.

00:08:47.000 Everything's a struggle.

00:08:48.000 It's real.

00:08:49.000 The struggle is real.

00:08:50.000 It is.

00:08:50.000 That's why I have people on, and we just talk about stuff that everyone's struggling with something, and multiple things, usually.

00:08:55.000 Well, I find...

00:08:56.000 This is just a rash generalization, but I'm good at those.

00:08:59.000 I find that women, when they're in their... 1.00

00:09:04.000 The prime of their life, not like 20, but as an actual grown woman with a career, and if they're smart and independent, they have a really hard time finding the right man.

00:09:17.000 Absolutely.

00:09:18.000 It's like if you're a dingbat, and you'll morph into whatever lifestyle your new boyfriend chooses, then you can be okay.

00:09:27.000 Yeah, because you don't know who you are.

00:09:29.000 But it's hard for a girl to find... 1.00

00:09:30.000 First of all, it's hard for a girl who's strong and smart to find a guy who's not intimidated by that.

00:09:36.000 Preach, Rogan.

00:09:37.000 Preach.

00:09:37.000 It is.

00:09:38.000 I know.

00:09:39.000 Who are you talking to?

00:09:40.000 You.

00:09:41.000 This is my life.

00:09:42.000 I know.

00:09:42.000 And I know so many women who are in my situation.

00:09:45.000 Yeah.

00:09:45.000 So many who are just like...

00:09:47.000 It's women in their 30s. 1.00

00:09:48.000 Educated, know what they want, independent, have money, and just like, don't need a man, but just want one.

00:09:54.000 Right.

00:09:54.000 But the dudes can't handle it.

00:09:56.000 Well...

00:09:57.000 Well, it's hard both ways.

00:09:59.000 It's hard finding quality human beings to spend time with.

00:10:02.000 Especially in LA. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever it is.

00:10:06.000 It's hard.

00:10:07.000 It's hard finding the right...

00:10:08.000 I mean, yeah, especially in LA. Especially in our line of work.

00:10:12.000 You know, we're in the attention business.

00:10:14.000 You know, we get attention professionally, right?

00:10:17.000 And make people laugh.

00:10:18.000 That's the business. 0.99

00:10:19.000 It's a fucking tricky business. 0.99

00:10:20.000 I don't know what you're talking about. 0.97

00:10:22.000 But listen, you have one of the healthiest attitudes.

00:10:25.000 You really do.

00:10:26.000 I always say this about you.

00:10:28.000 Whenever we're at the store, you have the grind spots.

00:10:32.000 You get those grind spots at the store.

00:10:34.000 You get those 12 o'clock spots, 11.30.

00:10:36.000 Those are the grind spots.

00:10:38.000 That show's been on for three and a half hours by the time you get on.

00:10:41.000 You know?

00:10:42.000 That's rough.

00:10:42.000 But you always have a positive attitude.

00:10:45.000 Thank you.

00:10:46.000 Always happy.

00:10:47.000 Always smiling.

00:10:48.000 Everybody's always happy to see you.

00:10:49.000 People are never like, oh, it's like Candace.

00:10:53.000 I feel like some people do, but those are the haters.

00:10:55.000 I don't know who they are.

00:10:56.000 I don't associate with those people.

00:10:58.000 But all my friends are always happy to see you.

00:11:00.000 You're very happy.

00:11:01.000 I am very happy.

00:11:03.000 My parents love me.

00:11:04.000 Ah, there it is. 1.00

00:11:05.000 Well, you're fucked then. 1.00

00:11:07.000 You're never going to make it in this town. 1.00

00:11:08.000 That's what I talk about.

00:11:09.000 I talk about that all the time.

00:11:11.000 I say if my parents had been just a little bit more abusive, you know, I could have had five sitcoms by now.

00:11:15.000 If my dad had just pulled a Joe Jackson at least just once or twice.

00:11:19.000 Yeah.

00:11:20.000 R.I.P. Joe Jackson.

00:11:21.000 He just passed away.

00:11:22.000 Well, R.I.P. Joe Jackson.

00:11:23.000 We were just reading about him.

00:11:25.000 People have been sending me these things that Dr. Conrad Murray says that Michael Jackson was chemically castrated.

00:11:30.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:30.000 I heard about that.

00:11:31.000 Yeah.

00:11:31.000 I said that a long time ago that I thought he was a castrato.

00:11:36.000 Is that the word for being castrated?

00:11:39.000 A castrato is something that they used to do to young boys to get them to sing opera better.

00:11:44.000 You ever heard of this before?

00:11:46.000 I wonder if Aaron Neville has...

00:11:48.000 I don't think so.

00:11:50.000 I think he's just doing a falsetto.

00:11:51.000 Because when you hear him talk, he talks like a man. 0.96

00:11:55.000 Michael Jackson also talked like this, too, by the way.

00:11:57.000 That was fake, though.

00:11:59.000 Did you hear?

00:12:01.000 Speaking of this Conrad Murray, his voice was like this.

00:12:04.000 Conrad Murray has a recording on his phone that he just played.

00:12:08.000 There was some documentary I just watched.

00:12:10.000 And it was Michael Jackson's last words.

00:12:13.000 Like on his deathbed.

00:12:14.000 Here's his deep voice.

00:12:22.000 See?

00:12:25.000 See? 0.99

00:12:26.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:12:27.000 That sounds like a girl. 1.00

00:12:28.000 It does not!

00:12:31.000 Yes, it does. 1.00

00:12:32.000 Sounds like a girl wants some dick. 1.00

00:12:33.000 See? 1.00

00:12:34.000 That was his real voice, too.

00:12:35.000 You hear that?

00:12:36.000 That is not deep.

00:12:38.000 No one said it was deep, but it's not...

00:12:40.000 Not this.

00:12:43.000 Okay, listen.

00:12:44.000 When that is his deep voice...

00:12:46.000 I mean, that sounds like he's got a cold...

00:12:50.000 Sounds like my eight-year-old when she has a cold.

00:12:52.000 No one said it was deep, but it's not that.

00:12:54.000 This is what...

00:12:55.000 And why do all of them talk like that?

00:12:57.000 Why does Janet talk like this? 0.99

00:12:58.000 And Latoya? 0.92

00:12:59.000 Because they all got beaten by their dad.

00:13:01.000 But what does that mean?

00:13:02.000 They were scared.

00:13:02.000 So now they all have this...

00:13:03.000 Stay low-key.

00:13:04.000 So they have to talk like chipmunks?

00:13:06.000 If you read the stories, the chemical castrato, play her a sound of a real castrato, because there's only one recording from the early 1900s.

00:13:17.000 It was like some of the last of the castratos, because they don't do that anymore.

00:13:20.000 I hope not.

00:13:21.000 But they used to do it.

00:13:22.000 It was very common.

00:13:23.000 People would give their children to the opera.

00:13:27.000 It's awful.

00:13:28.000 Will they get us kicked off YouTube?

00:13:30.000 No.

00:13:31.000 Jamie's got to do some finagling. 1.00

00:13:33.000 We get kicked off YouTube all the time for shit. 0.96

00:13:36.000 If we play things that are other people's copyrights. 0.99

00:13:41.000 This is a boy?

00:13:42.000 This is a boy, yeah.

00:13:45.000 That's what he used to look like.

00:13:46.000 I mean, you know, he was castrated, so he had no hormones.

00:13:50.000 His body did not produce testosterone.

00:13:53.000 And so this is a grown adult.

00:13:57.000 Male.

00:13:58.000 Singing like this.

00:13:59.000 Why wouldn't they just let the women sing it? 1.00

00:14:01.000 No, because it's a different thing.

00:14:03.000 It's a different sound.

00:14:04.000 Like, the women sound beautiful and they sound like women, but there's a sound that a castrato has, and that's a Michael Jackson sound.

00:14:10.000 The sound is an extremely feminine man. 0.81

00:14:13.000 Uh-huh.

00:14:14.000 Look, it's real.

00:14:15.000 If you see Tito and all the other Jacksons, they don't sound nothing.

00:14:19.000 Jermaine, no one looks or sounds anything.

00:14:22.000 No, he was definitely the standout.

00:14:24.000 So you think they did this to him when he was a kid?

00:14:26.000 This is what Conrad Murray says.

00:14:28.000 And look, it makes sense.

00:14:29.000 If you look at his body, if you look at it, he didn't have any muscle tone.

00:14:32.000 He was very slender.

00:14:34.000 He looked like he had no testosterone.

00:14:36.000 He sounded like a girl.

00:14:37.000 He sang like a girl. 0.91

00:14:38.000 Yeah.

00:14:39.000 Tell him that it's human nature.

00:14:42.000 Why?

00:14:43.000 It actually is not bad.

00:14:44.000 Think about that.

00:14:44.000 Think about that voice.

00:14:45.000 Who the fuck sings like that to man? 1.00

00:14:47.000 No, you're right. 1.00

00:14:48.000 And I always thought he, I never pictured him like for, took him for a sexual person at all.

00:14:53.000 Like when people were like, they said he was touching little boys.

00:14:55.000 I never believed that.

00:14:56.000 I always felt he was asexual.

00:14:58.000 I didn't get any type of sexual, any chemistry or any type of tension at all from him.

00:15:04.000 Did you check them out with a detector?

00:15:06.000 Yeah, I have a gate.

00:15:08.000 You know the gaydar?

00:15:09.000 I have the actual...

00:15:10.000 I bought mine on Amazon.

00:15:14.000 Yeah, I think it's entirely possible that that's true.

00:15:18.000 Because I thought about that.

00:15:19.000 We talked about that for years.

00:15:21.000 I was like, dude, I'm telling you.

00:15:22.000 I heard those castratos.

00:15:23.000 I know about that.

00:15:25.000 I guarantee you Joe Jackson knew about that too.

00:15:27.000 I bet they did that to that kid. 0.99

00:15:28.000 That's awful.

00:15:29.000 Turns out they did.

00:15:30.000 They used chemical castration.

00:15:33.000 I heard that that had happened, but I always thought it was like, for some reason I thought it was when he was an adult.

00:15:37.000 I thought it was like a personal choice that he made.

00:15:39.000 Ooh.

00:15:40.000 Whoa.

00:15:41.000 No, I think the idea was his dad was trying to preserve his voice.

00:15:44.000 I didn't know that.

00:15:46.000 So wait, a chemical castration, is that... 1.00

00:15:48.000 They kill your balls. 1.00

00:15:50.000 But with what? 1.00

00:15:51.000 That's a good question. 0.99

00:15:52.000 Is it something that you take that doesn't shrivel up your balls, but something that just makes you... 0.99

00:15:58.000 You don't have the ability to produce testosterone anymore. 0.99

00:16:02.000 Well, let's find out here.

00:16:04.000 It says, Yeah.

00:16:24.000 He said Joe was physically abusive to him and his siblings were growing up but never mentioned undergoing any sort of hormonal treatments.

00:16:30.000 But this is what Conrad Murray says.

00:16:32.000 I just don't know.

00:16:33.000 I mean...

00:16:34.000 Who do you believe?

00:16:35.000 It's hard. 0.99

00:16:35.000 They both sound like crazy people. 0.99

00:16:36.000 The reason why I believe it is because of the way he sounded. 0.98

00:16:39.000 Right.

00:16:39.000 It just makes sense.

00:16:40.000 And his dad was just a ruthless prick. 0.99

00:16:42.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:16:42.000 He was known as being a horrible person. 1.00

00:16:45.000 Yeah.

00:16:45.000 But why would he only do that to one of his sons?

00:16:50.000 Because he was the only one that was young enough to do it to.

00:16:52.000 If you look at the Jackson 5, when they were taken off, like, oh, baby, give me one more chance.

00:16:57.000 He was five, six years old.

00:16:59.000 Everybody else was grown.

00:17:00.000 It was too late.

00:17:01.000 Yeah.

00:17:01.000 They were all deep.

00:17:02.000 They were already grown men.

00:17:05.000 And this was the voice.

00:17:07.000 I mean, he was the voice.

00:17:09.000 ABC. I mean, he was so fucking cute, too. 0.66

00:17:11.000 They tried to keep that going forever. 0.93

00:17:14.000 That's what I think.

00:17:15.000 That's unfortunate.

00:17:16.000 It's scary. 0.99

00:17:17.000 Well, he's a cautionary tale, you know, and I think there's a level of fame that you get to where you just fucked up. 0.99

00:17:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:27.000 You got too fucking famous. 0.97

00:17:28.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:17:29.000 But isn't it also like that a certain type of person only wants that level of fame?

00:17:35.000 Right?

00:17:36.000 Like, have you ever thought about, like, people who get to, like, for example, like Donald Trump level?

00:17:41.000 Because it doesn't just apply to, like, the entertainment industry.

00:17:44.000 But, like, CEOs who, these multi-billion dollar, own these multi-billion dollar corporations.

00:17:50.000 Like, it takes a certain type of person to even want that type of clout, you know?

00:17:54.000 Right.

00:17:54.000 And I don't know.

00:17:56.000 I think that there's something in that as well.

00:17:58.000 I don't know.

00:17:58.000 I think there's a pursuit involved in all these things, where you start off just chasing money, and then you get involved in a game, and it's all about numbers.

00:18:07.000 It's all about putting scores up, you know?

00:18:09.000 And I think as those scores continue to pile on, you continue to get more excited about your progress, and you want to keep going further.

00:18:16.000 If someone makes a million dollars a year, they don't go, that's good.

00:18:19.000 That's good enough.

00:18:20.000 No, they go, I want two million.

00:18:22.000 They make two million, I want a mansion.

00:18:24.000 They get a mansion, I want a jet. 1.00

00:18:25.000 They get a jet, I want a fucking island. 0.99

00:18:28.000 I have always wondered, like, when is it enough for people? 0.99

00:18:31.000 Because, like, I'm the type of person...

00:18:34.000 I don't think I would be like that.

00:18:35.000 Like, if I had $25 million and somebody was like, you have to do this to get another $25 million, depending upon what it is, if it was something that I didn't believe in or something that wasn't aligned with my morals, I wouldn't...

00:18:50.000 I'd be like, I already have $25 million.

00:18:52.000 Yeah, I don't need it that bad.

00:18:54.000 Well, yeah.

00:18:54.000 I mean, that's different, though.

00:18:56.000 You're saying, like, if something was not aligned with your morals.

00:18:58.000 But if you had $25 million and you had an opportunity to make $30 million.

00:19:01.000 Well, yeah.

00:19:02.000 If it was...

00:19:02.000 Yeah, but there are...

00:19:03.000 Just work a couple extra hours a week, Candice.

00:19:05.000 No big deal.

00:19:06.000 Is that all it takes?

00:19:07.000 Yeah, maybe just a few...

00:19:08.000 Oh, well, that's fine.

00:19:09.000 Five extra hours a week, an extra hour a day, and we could ramp you up to $30 million a year.

00:19:13.000 Well, I would do that.

00:19:14.000 Yeah, you would do that.

00:19:15.000 I would do that.

00:19:15.000 And then they go, listen, Candice, we can get you really close to $75 million a year, but you're going to have to work 12 hours a day.

00:19:22.000 I'm sorry, I can't.

00:19:23.000 But people will come up to you and go, Candice.

00:19:25.000 12 hours, I can't.

00:19:26.000 Candice, I know what you're saying.

00:19:27.000 I know you think it's hard, but listen, we've got some Adderall and we've got some massage therapists that will be on staff.

00:19:32.000 And if we do this for a few years, you retire comfortably. 0.99

00:19:35.000 For the rest of your life, you live in Ibiza, you fucking chill out in a hammock. 0.98

00:19:38.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:19:39.000 It never happens.

00:19:40.000 That's the thing.

00:19:41.000 That Ibiza thing never happens.

00:19:42.000 The hammock never...

00:19:43.000 It never comes.

00:19:44.000 You just keep making money.

00:19:45.000 But see, for me, it would come.

00:19:46.000 The only reason I'm working is so I can stop working.

00:19:49.000 Oh.

00:19:50.000 Really?

00:19:51.000 Yes.

00:19:51.000 What's going to hit?

00:19:52.000 What number?

00:19:54.000 I would be fine with...

00:19:57.000 I'm gonna go with 200 million.

00:20:02.000 That's all you need?

00:20:02.000 That's all I need.

00:20:03.000 Wow.

00:20:04.000 You're low maintenance.

00:20:06.000 Jesus Christ.

00:20:07.000 How much is it to buy an island?

00:20:09.000 Depends on where it is.

00:20:11.000 If it's where hurricanes hit all the time, I bet you get it cheap.

00:20:13.000 I get it for 75. Somebody, Richard Branson bought one last year and right after he bought it, it got destroyed.

00:20:19.000 Literally to the point where there are no living humans for the first time in 300 years on this island.

00:20:24.000 Oh no.

00:20:28.000 He didn't do research?

00:20:29.000 Well, he just got unlucky.

00:20:31.000 He just bought it, and right after he bought it, it literally, the epicenter of the hurricane washed over it and just flattened the entire island.

00:20:38.000 I don't mean, if you're listening to this, Richard Branson, I don't mean to laugh at you.

00:20:42.000 Yeah, pull up that story.

00:20:43.000 Branson's Island.

00:20:45.000 Pull up the last time we talked about it.

00:20:46.000 It's Necker Island, the one that he's owned for a while.

00:20:49.000 It's going to be reopened in a couple months.

00:20:51.000 Oh, so they redid it?

00:20:52.000 Yeah, it's back to the line.

00:20:53.000 Necker?

00:20:53.000 Those, Necker.

00:20:54.000 I don't like the way that's, it's too close.

00:20:57.000 It's like niggardly. 1.00

00:20:58.000 You know that word?

00:20:59.000 That's a dangerous word.

00:21:00.000 It means selfish, right?

00:21:00.000 Isn't it like selfish and stingy?

00:21:02.000 People are saying don't use that word anymore because it sounds too much like that other word.

00:21:06.000 Well, it does, but it's not the same word.

00:21:08.000 I know it's not, but it's tricky.

00:21:10.000 It is tricky.

00:21:11.000 You have to pronounce every letter.

00:21:13.000 Yes.

00:21:13.000 Negardly.

00:21:14.000 Negardly.

00:21:15.000 Yeah.

00:21:15.000 Yeah, it's a problem.

00:21:18.000 You know, it's weird when words are okay sometimes, like pussycat. 0.99

00:21:22.000 Yeah, but you have to have another pussy fart changes the game. 1.00

00:21:30.000 It's not the same. 0.99

00:21:31.000 You can't say that on daytime talk.

00:21:33.000 That is weird though, right?

00:21:34.000 That you can say pussy cat.

00:21:36.000 Yeah. 0.62

00:21:36.000 But if you say pussy, one, two, three, cat. 0.62

00:21:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:40.000 That's like, hey, I don't like what you did there. 0.99

00:21:43.000 Unless you named your cat Pussy. 0.99

00:21:45.000 Ooh, yeah, I guess. 0.98

00:21:48.000 Octopussy, remember that? 0.74

00:21:49.000 That was a big deal.

00:21:50.000 Everybody's like, what is this?

00:21:52.000 No, I remember seeing that, I think when we lived in New York, it was a movie, right?

00:21:57.000 Yes.

00:21:58.000 007. Yeah, seeing it like, I was a kid and I remember seeing it like, and I was like, ooh, that's a bad word.

00:22:02.000 It is a bad word.

00:22:03.000 Yeah, I wasn't allowed to say it.

00:22:04.000 What were they doing?

00:22:05.000 That was like, they got a loophole in there.

00:22:08.000 Yeah.

00:22:09.000 There's some words that are like that.

00:22:10.000 Well, how about a dude named Dick?

00:22:13.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:22:14.000 Dick Cheney.

00:22:16.000 Anyone deserves that name like I don't I don't know anyone I don't think I think that's like one of those older school ones like I feel like no one goes by if your name is Richard you go by Richard or Rich now I don't think anybody's like yeah call me dick the way you know the weirdest one is Jack like if you're John Your nickname's Jack.

00:22:34.000 Wait, no one's name is just Jack?

00:22:35.000 Yeah, my nephew's name's Jack.

00:22:37.000 Well, who?

00:22:39.000 But John, if you use John...

00:22:42.000 They just call me Jack?

00:22:42.000 The nickname is Jack.

00:22:44.000 I never knew that.

00:22:45.000 Like John Kennedy?

00:22:46.000 They used to call him Jack Kennedy.

00:22:47.000 Oh, yeah, I did know that then.

00:22:48.000 Yeah.

00:22:48.000 His name was John.

00:22:49.000 That's so weird.

00:22:50.000 It's the same amount of letters, isn't it?

00:22:52.000 Isn't it? 1.00

00:22:52.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:22:55.000 It doesn't make any sense. 1.00

00:22:57.000 Are there any ones like that for girls? 0.77

00:23:01.000 Well, there's...

00:23:03.000 No.

00:23:04.000 Not that I can think of.

00:23:05.000 I can't think of one.

00:23:07.000 Right?

00:23:08.000 Just name him Jack.

00:23:10.000 It's a completely different name.

00:23:11.000 It's a totally different name.

00:23:12.000 It sounds different.

00:23:13.000 Yeah.

00:23:15.000 Can we talk about, since we're on the nickname thing, so, you know, we're not allowed to say Tranny anymore, right?

00:23:20.000 You just said it.

00:23:21.000 I know.

00:23:21.000 Because I don't...

00:23:23.000 I personally don't find anything wrong with the word.

00:23:26.000 And now someone could very well say, well, you're not transgender, Candace.

00:23:28.000 You're not bothered by it.

00:23:29.000 It doesn't affect you.

00:23:31.000 But I don't know anyone that really used it in a derogatory way.

00:23:37.000 It was just a word that we said to refer to this type of person.

00:23:42.000 But to me, it sounds adorable. 0.91

00:23:44.000 To me, it's just the nickname for transgender to say tranny. 0.52

00:23:48.000 It's like, Jennifer, you call somebody Jenny.

00:23:50.000 Well, there's a lot of policing of language as of late, and it's ramped up because the internet, because people can complain more.

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:56.000 But I think the problem is that it's not...

00:23:59.000 You're not putting any respect on that name.

00:24:01.000 Is that what it is?

00:24:02.000 It's a respect?

00:24:03.000 It sounds like it's a...

00:24:04.000 Remember when Birdman went to visit Charlamagne?

00:24:06.000 Put some respect on my name.

00:24:08.000 It's respect.

00:24:09.000 Respect.

00:24:10.000 Put some respect on my name.

00:24:11.000 Did you see that?

00:24:12.000 You ever see that interview?

00:24:12.000 I didn't see that one.

00:24:13.000 He came in. 0.99

00:24:14.000 Apparently Charlamagne had been talking some shit about Birdman. 0.99

00:24:17.000 So Birdman came in with a giant crew. 0.98

00:24:19.000 And he's like, put some respect on my name.

00:24:22.000 And then he got up and left.

00:24:23.000 That was it.

00:24:23.000 That's all he said?

00:24:24.000 That was the whole conversation.

00:24:26.000 And Charlamagne's going, okay, all right.

00:24:29.000 I love beefs.

00:24:30.000 Here it is.

00:24:31.000 You want to watch?

00:24:31.000 Yeah, yes, please.

00:24:32.000 Yeah.

00:24:36.000 He's got stars all over his head.

00:24:38.000 What a crazy look that guy's got. 0.96

00:24:39.000 Nigga, when my name come up, respect it. 0.99

00:24:42.000 Respect. 1.00

00:24:42.000 Stop playing with my fucking name. 1.00

00:24:44.000 I'll drill y'all. 1.00

00:24:45.000 Stop playing with my name.

00:24:47.000 I ain't gonna say it no more.

00:24:49.000 Hilarious.

00:24:49.000 That's it.

00:24:50.000 That's it.

00:24:50.000 Put some respect on my name.

00:24:56.000 I love beefs, man.

00:24:58.000 Were you following the Drake and Pusha T rap beef?

00:25:02.000 I tried to not.

00:25:03.000 Why?

00:25:03.000 I tried to avoid it.

00:25:04.000 Because Jamie brings these up.

00:25:05.000 He comes in.

00:25:06.000 Did you hear about what's happening with Drake? 0.99

00:25:08.000 Turns out Drake has a kid with a porn star. 0.99

00:25:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:25:11.000 I get it all from Jamie.

00:25:12.000 Jamie's the gossip news.

00:25:13.000 He's the TMZ of this studio.

00:25:16.000 It gives me so much life.

00:25:17.000 Why do you love that?

00:25:19.000 I love hurt feelings, man.

00:25:21.000 I do.

00:25:22.000 When it's like celebrities.

00:25:25.000 Oh, like they can get their feelings hurt.

00:25:26.000 Of course. 1.00

00:25:27.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:25:27.000 They can. 1.00

00:25:28.000 Fuck them! 1.00

00:25:28.000 Because all they're doing is bragging and talking about all the money they have. 1.00

00:25:32.000 What if they're not braggy?

00:25:34.000 What rapper is not braggy?

00:25:36.000 Rapper.

00:25:37.000 Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

00:25:39.000 So if there was a beat between Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson, would you like that?

00:25:44.000 I mean, that also would be entertaining.

00:25:46.000 That would also be entertaining, I'm not gonna lie.

00:25:49.000 I would like to see one of them cry.

00:25:51.000 I'm here for it.

00:25:52.000 Why do you like hurt feelings?

00:25:54.000 Because we're all human.

00:25:55.000 We all get our feelings hurt.

00:25:56.000 And it's nice to bring humble people sometimes.

00:25:59.000 Do you think if you're happier in your own life, you wouldn't like hurt feelings as much?

00:26:04.000 You just talked about me being a very happy person.

00:26:07.000 Happier.

00:26:08.000 I'm not saying you're totally 100% fulfilled.

00:26:10.000 You were saying earlier that you can't find a good man.

00:26:12.000 That doesn't mean I'm not fulfilled.

00:26:14.000 Ooh. 0.99

00:26:15.000 Maybe my vagina. 1.00

00:26:18.000 But the rest of me, spiritually and emotionally. 0.99

00:26:22.000 You're happy even without.

00:26:24.000 So you're so happy.

00:26:25.000 I'm a very happy person.

00:26:26.000 I've been single most of my life.

00:26:27.000 I believe it.

00:26:28.000 What's that supposed to mean?

00:26:30.000 That you're happy.

00:26:32.000 I believe you've been single most of your life.

00:26:34.000 I've always said that you're happy.

00:26:35.000 You have.

00:26:35.000 We just got done.

00:26:37.000 You have.

00:26:38.000 How many years have I known you?

00:26:39.000 You've been nothing but friendly.

00:26:40.000 Yeah, no.

00:26:41.000 I mean, what's to be mad about?

00:26:43.000 I'm just a grateful person.

00:26:44.000 I wake up every morning and I'm like, I'm just happy to be living this life.

00:26:48.000 It's a great life.

00:26:49.000 It is a great life.

00:26:49.000 I mean, if you can make a living as a stand-up comedian, it's about as good as it gets.

00:26:53.000 It is.

00:26:53.000 Well, yeah, if that's what you want.

00:26:55.000 But even people who don't do stand-up want to kind of be stand-ups.

00:26:58.000 They want to do comedy.

00:26:59.000 You think so?

00:26:59.000 A lot of people do.

00:27:00.000 A lot of DJs do.

00:27:01.000 Radio DJs?

00:27:05.000 They all secretly want to be comics.

00:27:06.000 They think they're hilarious.

00:27:07.000 There's a lot of them to do, secretly.

00:27:09.000 Absolutely.

00:27:10.000 That you come in and do morning radio and they're like, hmm.

00:27:13.000 It's like the closest thing to it, I think, right?

00:27:15.000 Yeah.

00:27:15.000 Because I'm trying to think of another profession, which is like stand-up comedy where you can tell jokes and people listen to you in the masses.

00:27:24.000 But I think, yeah, probably a radio DJ is the closest thing to that. 0.94

00:27:27.000 Some radio DJs that are dicks, some of them that get kind of... 0.96

00:27:31.000 Ego-y. 0.99

00:27:32.000 I think that's really what it is.

00:27:34.000 They also want to keep you on your heels because they know that you could do their job, but they can't do your job.

00:27:39.000 Like, you could just be a radio DJ. Absolutely.

00:27:41.000 That shit isn't hard. 0.99

00:27:41.000 Yeah, we're kind of doing it now. 0.99

00:27:42.000 Yeah, we are doing it now.

00:27:44.000 You host a podcast.

00:27:45.000 Yeah.

00:27:45.000 You know how to do it.

00:27:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:46.000 You could easily take over some fucking radio show. 1.00

00:27:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:49.000 Put some music breaks in there. 0.98

00:27:50.000 Tell that dude to go on your spot, 1145 in the fucking OR after Joey Diaz. 1.00

00:27:56.000 Bitch, good luck. 1.00

00:27:58.000 Good fucking luck. 1.00

00:27:59.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:28:01.000 I find with dudes just in general, because it is mostly dudes, I don't find women competing with me to be funny most of the time that aren't comics, but even dudes who aren't comedians, if I go on a date with them or we're dating, it's like they always try to one-up me.

00:28:17.000 They try to one-up you even though they know you're a comic?

00:28:20.000 Yeah, because dudes, they always want to just be the funny ones, even if they're not comics.

00:28:25.000 They want to be the funny ones.

00:28:29.000 And it's like, you don't have to be.

00:28:30.000 And if you're dating me, I don't need that.

00:28:34.000 It's always good to have a dude that can make me laugh, but I don't expect that.

00:28:37.000 But could you deal with a dude that's not funny at all?

00:28:40.000 No, no, no.

00:28:41.000 No, no, no.

00:28:42.000 I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor.

00:28:44.000 No, no, no.

00:28:45.000 I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor at all, but I would like a dude who can riff with me, but also not intimidated by me and doesn't feel like he has to be funnier than me.

00:28:54.000 That's going to be your problem forever.

00:28:56.000 What?

00:28:56.000 That!

00:28:59.000 Well, then I guess I'll just be single forever.

00:29:01.000 Forever.

00:29:01.000 Get a robot boyfriend.

00:29:03.000 They're talking about making robot girlfriends. 0.98

00:29:04.000 I'm going to get a sex robot boyfriend. 0.98

00:29:06.000 Get a robot boyfriend. 0.97

00:29:07.000 Yeah, if they can open jars. 0.91

00:29:08.000 Go to Candace's house.

00:29:09.000 It'll be good. 1.00

00:29:10.000 The fucking Hulk answers the door. 1.00

00:29:13.000 Every time his eyes move, you hear him. 1.00

00:29:15.000 I'm like, what the fuck, Candace? 1.00

00:29:17.000 What are you up to? 1.00

00:29:18.000 Well, Ian couldn't save me.

00:29:20.000 The Hulk will. 0.99

00:29:22.000 He fucks me and then he stays outside and looks out for Peep and Tom's. 0.98

00:29:25.000 And he stands guard outside my window. 0.99

00:29:28.000 I don't know.

00:29:32.000 I wonder how women are going to get that. 1.00

00:29:33.000 Because I know guys are going to get that.

00:29:36.000 100%.

00:29:36.000 Did you see Ex Machina?

00:29:38.000 I've loved it. 0.99

00:29:39.000 Fucking great movie. 0.99

00:29:40.000 Loved it. 0.99

00:29:41.000 It's one of my favorite movies ever.

00:29:42.000 Yeah, no.

00:29:42.000 I watch it every minute I can.

00:29:45.000 Yeah, I've watched that movie at least three times.

00:29:47.000 Yeah.

00:29:47.000 But that scene, like when that guy had those girls, they were his girlfriends.

00:29:52.000 You know, like the Japanese lady was dancing with them. 0.99

00:29:54.000 Yeah, that was my favorite scene.

00:29:54.000 Yeah.

00:29:55.000 That is 100% going to happen.

00:29:57.000 There's no way that's not going to happen.

00:29:59.000 Of course it's going to happen.

00:30:00.000 100%.

00:30:00.000 Because y'all don't want to talk to women.

00:30:03.000 Why do you lump me in with all those other dudes?

00:30:05.000 Not you.

00:30:06.000 Yeah.

00:30:07.000 Not you.

00:30:09.000 I mean, look at you.

00:30:09.000 You're talking to a woman right now.

00:30:11.000 Yep.

00:30:12.000 I just realized.

00:30:13.000 I saw...

00:30:14.000 Because, you know, I'll be watching the podcast.

00:30:17.000 And so you had another black Candace on not too long ago.

00:30:22.000 Oh, Candace Owens.

00:30:22.000 Yeah.

00:30:23.000 I'm the one that's not in the sunken place.

00:30:25.000 Sunken place?

00:30:26.000 What's the sunken place?

00:30:27.000 Did you see Get Out?

00:30:28.000 Have you not seen Get Out?

00:30:29.000 Oh, I haven't seen that yet.

00:30:31.000 Yet!

00:30:31.000 What are you waiting for?

00:30:32.000 It's not in theaters anymore.

00:30:34.000 Well, most movies I don't watch in the theaters.

00:30:37.000 Most movies.

00:30:38.000 Well, yeah, you're a celebrity.

00:30:40.000 You can't go.

00:30:40.000 No, I go to the movies.

00:30:42.000 Do you?

00:30:43.000 Yes.

00:30:43.000 Then why'd you say you just can't?

00:30:44.000 You said you can't go to the movies?

00:30:46.000 I can't go to all of them.

00:30:47.000 I don't have time.

00:30:47.000 That was a really good one.

00:30:48.000 You should have gone.

00:30:49.000 If I go to one movie a month, it's a lot.

00:30:51.000 So I miss a lot of movies.

00:30:53.000 Okay.

00:30:54.000 I go to little kids' movies.

00:30:55.000 I have kids.

00:30:55.000 I go to see The Incredibles.

00:30:57.000 Did you see The Incredibles?

00:30:58.000 Not yet.

00:30:58.000 It's really good.

00:30:59.000 I heard.

00:30:59.000 It's really good.

00:31:00.000 It's better than the first one.

00:31:02.000 Is it?

00:31:03.000 Yeah, it's really good.

00:31:04.000 I wanted to see that the other night, but I got talked into going to see...

00:31:07.000 I call it Black Purge. 1.00

00:31:11.000 What's Black Purge? 0.98

00:31:13.000 It's called The First Purge.

00:31:15.000 You saw it.

00:31:15.000 Did you see the original Purge?

00:31:16.000 Yes.

00:31:16.000 Well, now there's a black one.

00:31:18.000 There is?

00:31:19.000 And it's supposed to be The First Purge.

00:31:20.000 Then it tells the origin of how the Purge system started in America. 0.80

00:31:25.000 And it's with black people. 0.90

00:31:29.000 I haven't heard of this. 0.68

00:31:31.000 I didn't enjoy it.

00:31:32.000 Didn't enjoy it?

00:31:33.000 How come?

00:31:33.000 I didn't enjoy it.

00:31:34.000 I didn't enjoy it for many reasons.

00:31:37.000 There was acting problems, I felt in it.

00:31:40.000 There was acting problems.

00:31:42.000 I don't know the names of the people that I felt the acting bothered me, but I didn't enjoy that.

00:31:47.000 The story, I just felt like it's one of those ones where it's like the premise is really good, but it's just not executed well.

00:31:52.000 Like the idea of it like, oh shit, I want to see that, and then you go see it. 0.89

00:31:54.000 It was a letdown. 0.98

00:31:57.000 So, uh, Candace Owens is in the dark place? 0.78

00:32:00.000 Is that what you said?

00:32:01.000 Sunken, the sunken place.

00:32:02.000 How so?

00:32:03.000 What do you mean how so? 1.00

00:32:04.000 She's a black chick who's like caping for Trump. 1.00

00:32:07.000 Caping? 1.00

00:32:08.000 Yeah.

00:32:08.000 What is caping?

00:32:09.000 Like rooting for on his team.

00:32:10.000 Oh, I've never heard that term.

00:32:11.000 Yeah, supporting.

00:32:12.000 Yeah.

00:32:13.000 Yeah.

00:32:14.000 So I can't, I mean, by nature, I don't understand that.

00:32:18.000 And she's a woman.

00:32:19.000 She's a black woman. 1.00

00:32:21.000 You don't understand it? 0.80

00:32:22.000 No, I don't.

00:32:24.000 What is there to understand? 0.97

00:32:26.000 Like, you're a womanizer who has been also accused of rape on numerous occasions, also been, you know, has a history of racism from his family. 0.98

00:32:34.000 Like, his father used to, in his apartments, used to deny renting apartments to brown and black people. 0.99

00:32:40.000 So, like, he was raised with that. 0.94

00:32:42.000 So, like, and, you know, calling Mexicans rapists, like, I can't.

00:32:45.000 There's no explanation for supporting.

00:32:47.000 Yeah, I think she found a niche. 0.99

00:32:51.000 She did.

00:32:51.000 I think that's exactly what it is.

00:32:52.000 I don't even think necessarily she believes what she says.

00:32:55.000 I think that she was like, oh, this is a way for me to get famous because there are how many black...

00:33:00.000 You know what she is?

00:33:00.000 She's like the brand new Omarosa.

00:33:02.000 She's like new Omarosa. 0.51

00:33:04.000 I had Omarosa was on Fear Factor back in the day.

00:33:07.000 She was? 0.98

00:33:08.000 She's crazy. 0.99

00:33:09.000 She accused me of being drunk. 0.99

00:33:12.000 On the show?

00:33:13.000 Yeah, I was talking to her.

00:33:14.000 Well, she didn't make any sense.

00:33:15.000 And so I was saying, I don't understand what you're saying.

00:33:17.000 She goes, Joe, are you drunk?

00:33:18.000 And I go, no.

00:33:19.000 She goes, I smell liquor on your breath. 0.97

00:33:20.000 I go, no, you don't.

00:33:21.000 I'm not drunk. 0.99

00:33:22.000 I was high as fuck, but I wasn't drunk. 0.99

00:33:25.000 That's so bizarre, you know. 0.99

00:33:27.000 I think she just was like Omarosa's out of the picture.

00:33:30.000 I'm gonna step up.

00:33:31.000 You think so?

00:33:32.000 She could be, honestly.

00:33:33.000 Have we ever seen Tommy Lahren and her in the same room?

00:33:36.000 Because I think she could be Tommy Lahren in blackface. 0.51

00:33:38.000 Wow.

00:33:39.000 That's how I feel.

00:33:39.000 That's rough.

00:33:40.000 I think she needs more than blackface. 1.00

00:33:42.000 You need to change your nose a little bit.

00:33:44.000 There's more.

00:33:45.000 Do something to your hair.

00:33:46.000 It could have been a wig.

00:33:47.000 There's a couple of those girls that are interchangeable. 1.00

00:33:50.000 There's Lauren Southern and Tommy Lahren.

00:33:52.000 I always get them confused.

00:33:54.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:54.000 You're right.

00:33:55.000 I honestly don't even know what Lauren looks like. 0.99

00:33:57.000 They look similar, though.

00:33:59.000 Blonde hair.

00:33:59.000 They're both...

00:34:00.000 Cute, blonde conservatives. 1.00

00:34:03.000 There's a market for that.

00:34:05.000 Of course there is, because that's not the norm.

00:34:07.000 Anything that's outside the norm is going to stick out and you're going to be like, oh, this is trendy now.

00:34:11.000 Like, this is what our party now is represented by.

00:34:15.000 And they're expecting that they're going to attract that younger demographic, the millennials.

00:34:20.000 And it is working somewhat.

00:34:23.000 Well, it's definitely getting there some attention.

00:34:26.000 I know.

00:34:27.000 It's hard to tell what someone really believes and what they want you to believe.

00:34:30.000 Right.

00:34:31.000 It's hard to tell.

00:34:33.000 Like, global warming doesn't exist.

00:34:36.000 Wow, that one.

00:34:39.000 See, what that is to me, when she said that, that's indicative of someone who's trying to follow a line.

00:34:45.000 There's a line that you're supposed to follow if you are a hardcore Republican supporter.

00:34:50.000 And it's like, industry is good, big business is good, regulation is bad.

00:34:55.000 Right.

00:34:56.000 And then the big one is global warming is a hoax.

00:35:00.000 Or at least global warming is something that's greatly exaggerated by these environmentalists in order to fund Al Gore's blah blah blah blah.

00:35:09.000 You go down these lines.

00:35:11.000 Where everybody on the left believes one thing and everybody...

00:35:14.000 There's like certain things where you have to believe if you're on the right.

00:35:17.000 Absolutely.

00:35:17.000 And certain things you have to believe if you're on the left.

00:35:19.000 Even if it makes you sound batshit crazy. 0.93

00:35:20.000 Yes.

00:35:21.000 Like denying facts.

00:35:22.000 There's a few of those.

00:35:23.000 Statistics.

00:35:23.000 Like if you're right wing, you have to be pro-life.

00:35:26.000 Right.

00:35:26.000 Pretty much.

00:35:27.000 There's very few right-wing people that are pro-abortion.

00:35:29.000 Or pro-woman's rights. 0.97

00:35:31.000 Right.

00:35:31.000 Isn't that what happened with Tommy Lahren, though?

00:35:32.000 Didn't she lose...

00:35:34.000 She lost some contract she had.

00:35:36.000 It may have been with Fox.

00:35:37.000 I don't remember.

00:35:37.000 But because she came out as saying she was pro-choice.

00:35:40.000 Yeah.

00:35:40.000 So, yeah, that was the...

00:35:41.000 And she suffered.

00:35:42.000 Yeah.

00:35:43.000 It's interesting.

00:35:44.000 It's interesting when it happens.

00:35:45.000 Like, you're not allowed to have varying opinions.

00:35:47.000 Or, you know...

00:35:48.000 Yeah, no.

00:35:49.000 It's like an almost cult-like...

00:35:50.000 It's very cult-like.

00:35:52.000 It's definitely a tribe.

00:35:53.000 I mean, that's essentially what happens.

00:35:55.000 I haven't watched that.

00:35:56.000 My wife's obsessed. 1.00

00:35:58.000 Oh yeah, there's a new episode that comes out today.

00:36:00.000 I gotta watch it. 0.99

00:36:01.000 I watched one episode and I was like, this is just too fucked up. 0.99

00:36:04.000 It's too real. 1.00

00:36:04.000 These people are loving in hell. 1.00

00:36:05.000 It's too real.

00:36:06.000 You see the parallels, like the kids getting separated from their moms, and it's just like, this is literally happening right now.

00:36:12.000 It's terrifying.

00:36:13.000 Yeah.

00:36:13.000 That, to me, is one of the darker moments of this era.

00:36:18.000 The knowledge that thousands of kids get separated from their parents as they cross the board.

00:36:22.000 They're like, what? 0.98

00:36:24.000 What the fuck are we doing? 0.99

00:36:27.000 There's no excuses. 0.99

00:36:29.000 There's a video that I made.

00:36:31.000 It was just a rant on the podcast about it with my friend Duncan.

00:36:33.000 You know Duncan Trussell.

00:36:35.000 We've met only a couple times, but I don't know him very well, but everyone loves him.

00:36:39.000 So we did this rant, or I did this rant about it, and it got made into a video, and then All these people are like, you know, you don't understand the real issue on the border. 1.00

00:36:47.000 If the real issue on the border is separating parents from their kids, that's not the real issue, you fucking idiot. 1.00

00:36:52.000 Right. 1.00

00:36:53.000 It's supposed to be keeping criminals out.

00:36:54.000 You think that lady and her baby are criminals? 1.00

00:36:56.000 Are criminals.

00:36:57.000 And it's just, you imagine, I mean, people can't imagine what it'd be like to live in Mexico, right next to the United States.

00:37:05.000 It's right there.

00:37:06.000 You just walk over there and get a job.

00:37:08.000 You're right there. 1.00

00:37:08.000 And meanwhile, over here, you're fucked. 1.00

00:37:09.000 To a better life. 1.00

00:37:10.000 Right.

00:37:11.000 To a better life.

00:37:11.000 Over here, your cousin got killed by the cartel for looking at somebody wrong at a taco stand, and nobody ever goes to jail for it.

00:37:18.000 Do you know how many fucking politicians they killed in Mexico this year? 0.99

00:37:21.000 You know the number? 1.00

00:37:23.000 Somebody was just telling me.

00:37:24.000 Yeah, it's more than 100 this year.

00:37:27.000 Politicians murdered in Mexico.

00:37:29.000 That's the go-to place if you're going to murder somebody, right?

00:37:32.000 Like, it's right there, and they never investigate anything. 0.99

00:37:35.000 They don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:37:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:36.000 Here, what's the number, Jamie? 0.99

00:37:39.000 132 politicians killed this year.

00:37:41.000 132?

00:37:42.000 How do we know this?

00:37:43.000 Mexico goes to the polls this weekend.

00:37:46.000 132 politicians have been killed since campaigning began. 1.00

00:37:50.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:37:52.000 That is crazy. 1.00

00:37:54.000 Record violence.

00:37:55.000 That's like worse.

00:37:56.000 And this is all because of us.

00:37:57.000 This is all because of the drug war.

00:37:59.000 If we just made drugs legal, there would be none of this going on.

00:38:04.000 Yeah, this is worse than when Pablo Escobar was out.

00:38:07.000 Well, Pablo Escobar, it's a very similar situation.

00:38:10.000 You know, it's all fueled by drug money.

00:38:12.000 Yeah.

00:38:12.000 All this is drug money.

00:38:14.000 I mean, when you make drugs illegal, only criminals are selling drugs, and there's massive amounts of money because people love their cocaine.

00:38:21.000 They do.

00:38:22.000 They do.

00:38:22.000 Have you ever tried cocaine?

00:38:23.000 Never.

00:38:24.000 Never?

00:38:24.000 Me neither.

00:38:25.000 Never.

00:38:25.000 Good for you.

00:38:26.000 Yeah, no, I won't.

00:38:27.000 That's one I won't try.

00:38:28.000 Like, I prefer, like, I've done shrooms and weed, and that's it.

00:38:33.000 How often do you do shrooms?

00:38:35.000 Not often.

00:38:35.000 How often do you do weed?

00:38:38.000 The only weed that I have is given to me.

00:38:40.000 You know when I'll judge roast battle?

00:38:43.000 And they pay you in weed?

00:38:44.000 They're like, here's a bag of weed.

00:38:46.000 And then it takes me years to go through it.

00:38:49.000 That's how infrequently.

00:38:50.000 I'll smoke when I'm with friends, but I don't drink by myself, and I don't.

00:38:54.000 When I go home, I've had a bottle of liquor, a vodka that's been in my freezer over a year now.

00:39:00.000 What you're trying to say is you're healthy.

00:39:01.000 I'm very healthy.

00:39:02.000 Good for you.

00:39:04.000 When you smoke weed, do you ever get paranoid?

00:39:06.000 This one time I did an edible.

00:39:08.000 I ate too much.

00:39:08.000 So you know Jamar Neighbors?

00:39:10.000 Sure.

00:39:11.000 Very funny comic.

00:39:12.000 He gave me an edible one time.

00:39:14.000 And this was before anybody could just walk into a dispensary.

00:39:17.000 Because now you just have to show your ID and you can get anything from the dispensary.

00:39:21.000 This is when you had to have a card.

00:39:23.000 So he went in and got it for me.

00:39:25.000 And it was this lemon bar that said award winning on it.

00:39:29.000 And me being the weed novice, I was like, oh, this is going to be award winning because of the taste, right?

00:39:33.000 It's like probably a...

00:39:35.000 I was like, this is like a Paula Deen recipe.

00:39:37.000 And so I ate like half of it.

00:39:42.000 And I was by myself and I woke up.

00:39:46.000 I was laying down and I was in my bed and I sat up and I said, am I talking to myself?

00:39:49.000 I'm not talking to myself.

00:39:50.000 Oh my God, I am talking to myself.

00:39:52.000 I'm not talking to myself.

00:39:53.000 And I was saying this out loud.

00:39:56.000 I went on my phone to get on Twitter to make sure the world was still happening because I felt like I was in some weird Twilight Zone episode.

00:40:04.000 Yeah, it was awful.

00:40:05.000 So I got on there and then I forced myself to go to sleep because I was like, I can't be awake like this.

00:40:10.000 So I forced myself to go to sleep.

00:40:11.000 I woke up the next morning.

00:40:13.000 I was still high for like five more hours.

00:40:19.000 It was awful.

00:40:20.000 Yeah, I gave my friend an edible and he called me up a day later and said, I'm still high.

00:40:25.000 A day later.

00:40:26.000 If you don't know what you're doing with it, because I had a conversation with someone else the other day and they were like, I ate four Rice Krispie Treats.

00:40:32.000 And I was like, why would you eat four of them?

00:40:35.000 He called the cops.

00:40:37.000 He called the cops and then went to a hospital because he thought he was dying.

00:40:42.000 Do you ever see the one where it was a 911 call?

00:40:45.000 The cops took weed from these people. 0.99

00:40:47.000 They pulled them over and then the cops used the weed to make pot brownies and then they ate the pot brownies and they called 911 on themselves.

00:40:54.000 Hilarious.

00:40:54.000 They called for an ambulance.

00:40:56.000 They said they were dying.

00:40:57.000 Please send help.

00:40:58.000 Time's moving very slowly. 1.00

00:41:00.000 But what's hilarious is it's a fucking 911 call from a cop. 1.00

00:41:04.000 From a cop. 0.99

00:41:05.000 And the cop is calling to get an ambulance because he's saying the time is moving slowly. 1.00

00:41:10.000 And they stole the weed from these fucking kids that they pulled over. 1.00

00:41:13.000 The whole thing is just... 1.00

00:41:14.000 It's brilliant.

00:41:15.000 It's so funny.

00:41:17.000 Oh! 0.60

00:41:18.000 Drugs, man. 1.00

00:41:19.000 It's one of my all-time favorite 911 calls because it's just so stupid. 1.00

00:41:22.000 It's on YouTube? 1.00

00:41:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:23.000 Yeah, I'll have to look at it.

00:41:24.000 Can you please send help?

00:41:26.000 Time's moving very slowly.

00:41:28.000 Want to play it?

00:41:31.000 I was looking up an article about it.

00:41:32.000 The cop had to, he resigned before he got in trouble for A, taking the weed, and B, using it.

00:41:39.000 So he quit.

00:41:40.000 Yeah, that's probably a good move on his part.

00:41:42.000 I mean, you're kind of, at that point, you kind of have to.

00:41:44.000 Yeah, he called 911, and we're talking about it on a podcast years later.

00:41:47.000 Everybody's heard that.

00:41:48.000 Yeah, well, I didn't. 0.98

00:41:49.000 You never, that fucking, I guarantee you the video has probably been played a million times, easily. 0.99

00:41:55.000 More than a million. 0.99

00:41:57.000 Do you have it, Jamie?

00:41:58.000 Yeah, I just, I found a shorter version of it.

00:42:00.000 Okay. 1.00

00:42:01.000 Listen to this poor fuck. 1.00

00:42:02.000 Just think about this. 1.00

00:42:05.000 To save...

00:42:06.000 I think we're dead.

00:42:25.000 Look at that lady laughing. 1.00

00:42:26.000 See, pot is something that even when you're having an overdose, people laugh at you.

00:42:30.000 Because nobody dies.

00:42:32.000 Yeah, no one ever dies from weed.

00:42:33.000 And she's on the news. 1.00

00:42:34.000 Those are the stiffest fucking people on the planet. 0.99

00:42:37.000 You ever meet a real newscaster in real life? 1.00

00:42:40.000 Um, once.

00:42:41.000 They walk around like this.

00:42:42.000 Once.

00:42:43.000 They walk around like robots.

00:42:45.000 Like robots?

00:42:45.000 Yeah, they're like, hello, how are you?

00:42:49.000 Oh, that's great.

00:42:50.000 That's wonderful.

00:42:50.000 They're always scared to say something wrong.

00:42:52.000 It's interesting, because we're all kind of in the...

00:42:56.000 That's considered entertainment.

00:42:58.000 They're on television.

00:42:59.000 They're in front of a camera.

00:43:01.000 They're not entertainers.

00:43:02.000 They're just readers.

00:43:03.000 Is that what it is?

00:43:05.000 It's like people who don't have enough personality?

00:43:07.000 They have zero personality.

00:43:08.000 That's the whole thing.

00:43:09.000 If you have any personality, they'll kick you off the air. 1.00

00:43:11.000 The only thing you can have is you could be one of those weather girls with a big ass. 1.00

00:43:16.000 A few of those. 1.00

00:43:18.000 They got fat boobs, too. 1.00

00:43:19.000 It's not just the asses. 1.00

00:43:20.000 I noticed that. 0.99

00:43:21.000 That was the first thing when I moved out to LA. That was one of the first things I noticed with the LA weather people or the weather women. 0.97

00:43:28.000 I was like, they are hot. 1.00

00:43:30.000 Hot as fuck. 1.00

00:43:31.000 They didn't have this back in Cincinnati. 0.99

00:43:32.000 Yeah.

00:43:33.000 High heels, short skirts. 0.99

00:43:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:36.000 Talking about tornadoes and shit. 0.98

00:43:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:37.000 Sticking their ass out. 1.00

00:43:38.000 Pointing to weather patterns. 1.00

00:43:40.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:43:42.000 Yeah, there's one, I think it's South America, there's one famous lady. 1.00

00:43:46.000 She's like a famous weathercast.

00:43:47.000 She's like one of the hottest women on the planet. 1.00

00:43:49.000 Tiny little waist, giant ass, big tits. 1.00

00:43:52.000 She probably wears a waist trainer. 1.00

00:43:54.000 Mate, what are you hating on her?

00:43:56.000 Yeah, because I hate waist trainers.

00:43:57.000 Bobby Lee bought me one.

00:44:00.000 Bobby Lee bought you a waist trainer?

00:44:02.000 He takes me on the road with him sometimes.

00:44:04.000 And one time we were in like a CVS and I jokingly picked it up and I was like, Bobby, buy me this.

00:44:08.000 And he did.

00:44:09.000 And it was like $13.

00:44:11.000 But no, I still have it.

00:44:12.000 I never tried it.

00:44:13.000 But they're terrifying.

00:44:14.000 They like...

00:44:15.000 They're corsets that, you know, I've read articles that you say you're not supposed to wear these things because it binds.

00:44:20.000 It's bad for your organs, right?

00:44:21.000 It moves your organs around.

00:44:23.000 The Kardashians wear them.

00:44:25.000 Do they?

00:44:25.000 Yeah, so that's why I'm like, I'm not gonna be happy and promote that for women, hurting ourselves to look good.

00:44:31.000 Good for you.

00:44:31.000 Yeah.

00:44:31.000 What's a weird look, too?

00:44:32.000 I'd rather have a thick waist than have a kidney in my neck. 0.92

00:44:36.000 Like a thick old... 0.70

00:44:37.000 Yeah, just...

00:44:38.000 Like a farm worker waist. 0.59

00:44:41.000 Yeah, well, not...

00:44:41.000 Okay.

00:44:41.000 Someone can pick things up.

00:44:43.000 Calm down.

00:44:43.000 All right.

00:44:44.000 Someone who carries hay.

00:44:46.000 I'm like an athletic build, so I don't have a tiny waist.

00:44:49.000 Does that bother you?

00:44:50.000 No, it doesn't bother me.

00:44:52.000 I like my body.

00:44:53.000 You should.

00:44:54.000 Nothing wrong.

00:44:55.000 You look great.

00:44:56.000 Thanks.

00:44:57.000 Jesus.

00:44:58.000 This is a conversation I never get into with guys.

00:45:00.000 I like my body.

00:45:01.000 I'm like, dude, you look good.

00:45:03.000 Tell me you like my body, Joe.

00:45:04.000 Say it, bro.

00:45:05.000 I look good, bro.

00:45:07.000 Is it okay?

00:45:08.000 Am I okay?

00:45:09.000 I got kind of a thick waist, though.

00:45:11.000 Don't I? Do I? I'm allowed to say I have a thick waist.

00:45:14.000 You're not allowed to say it.

00:45:15.000 You're not allowed to say it?

00:45:16.000 I can say it.

00:45:17.000 You can't say it. 1.00

00:45:17.000 A girl can have thick thighs and a thick ass. 1.00

00:45:21.000 But even so, like women, we can say that and we know that men, some men or a lot of men like it, but being called thick never makes us feel good about ourselves. 0.99

00:45:30.000 Even if we know that men like it, it still makes it...

00:45:35.000 In the back of our head, we're like...

00:45:36.000 Does he mean I'm fat? 1.00

00:45:38.000 What's all this we shit? 1.00

00:45:39.000 Guaranteed there's girls out there that like being thick. 1.00

00:45:42.000 Yeah, of course.

00:45:43.000 Like being called thick.

00:45:44.000 Of course, of course.

00:45:45.000 But you're saying we.

00:45:46.000 But a lot of women. 1.00

00:45:47.000 Because I know I've had conversations with other women that have been like, oh look, I used to be, when I was in high school, I was probably 20, 25 pounds heavier than what I am right now.

00:45:56.000 What were you eating?

00:45:57.000 Other high school kids?

00:45:57.000 Lots of carbs.

00:45:58.000 Lots of carbs? 0.97

00:45:59.000 I didn't know how to eat properly because, so...

00:46:02.000 Yeah.

00:46:08.000 Yeah.

00:46:23.000 Thinking, oh, it's low-fat.

00:46:24.000 I would come home and eat, like, a bag of, like, low-fat pretzels.

00:46:28.000 Like, a bag of those Snyders of Hanover pretzels. 0.95

00:46:31.000 A bag.

00:46:32.000 One of those big ones.

00:46:33.000 And be like, why am I gaining weight?

00:46:35.000 Because I didn't know.

00:46:36.000 I thought low-fat meant, oh, I would...

00:46:38.000 It's low-fat.

00:46:39.000 It means no fat.

00:46:41.000 There's so much of that.

00:46:42.000 There's so many of those low-fat items that are just way worse for you.

00:46:45.000 Yeah.

00:46:46.000 I don't even...

00:46:46.000 I mean, are people...

00:46:47.000 I don't even think that's a thing.

00:46:48.000 Now it's gluten-free.

00:46:49.000 Gluten-free is what's popular.

00:46:51.000 Gluten-free and...

00:46:54.000 What's the other thing?

00:46:56.000 I can't think.

00:46:57.000 There's another thing that's kind of trending right now, but it's not just gluten.

00:47:00.000 Ketogenic diets?

00:47:01.000 Is that what you're talking about?

00:47:04.000 No.

00:47:04.000 I don't know what I'm thinking about.

00:47:06.000 I literally had a brain fart.

00:47:07.000 But there is something else.

00:47:09.000 Maybe paleo.

00:47:10.000 A trendy?

00:47:10.000 A new trendy thing?

00:47:12.000 Yeah, but it's all like nobody knows what the repercussions of any of these things are.

00:47:15.000 Like paleo might be good for temporary, but in the long term, we don't know the damage it's going to be doing.

00:47:20.000 Well, paleo is real simple.

00:47:22.000 It's not going to do any damage.

00:47:23.000 Paleo is just real food.

00:47:25.000 Paleo just means no grain and no rice.

00:47:27.000 That's all it means.

00:47:27.000 It's just no preservatives, no artificial flavors.

00:47:30.000 No artificial colors.

00:47:32.000 Just meat, chicken, fish, vegetables.

00:47:34.000 Meat, chicken, fish, vegetables.

00:47:36.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

00:47:37.000 You don't have to worry about that being a trend.

00:47:40.000 This is going to be the low-fat trend.

00:47:43.000 That's a normal thing for people to eat.

00:47:46.000 You said fruits, too?

00:47:46.000 They can do fruits?

00:47:47.000 Yeah.

00:47:48.000 Paleo can eat fruits.

00:47:49.000 Look, there's people that eat carnivore diet.

00:47:51.000 This is the most recent one where they only eat meat.

00:47:54.000 That's it.

00:47:55.000 No.

00:47:56.000 No?

00:47:56.000 No, that's not good.

00:47:58.000 How do you know?

00:47:58.000 That's not good.

00:47:59.000 I have a friend with pretty severe autoimmune disease and it's gone because of eating only carnivore diet.

00:48:05.000 His daughter had her hip replaced and her ankle replaced.

00:48:08.000 She has terrible arthritis with carnivore diet gone.

00:48:11.000 Some people have a really adverse reaction to carbohydrates.

00:48:15.000 But no fruits and vegetables?

00:48:16.000 Nope.

00:48:17.000 Nope.

00:48:17.000 He's not eating anything.

00:48:19.000 He's a professor.

00:48:21.000 Yeah, brilliant guy.

00:48:22.000 What's his cholesterol look like?

00:48:24.000 That's the thing.

00:48:25.000 See, people say things like that, like you just said that.

00:48:28.000 That's not where cholesterol comes from.

00:48:30.000 Dietary cholesterol doesn't have any impact on blood lipids.

00:48:33.000 It doesn't have any impact on your blood cholesterol.

00:48:35.000 This is where cholesterol is bad, when you have cholesterol and high carbohydrates.

00:48:40.000 Because when your body is burning a lot of carbohydrates, your body is in fat storing mode. 0.98

00:48:47.000 So if you eat a bunch of fat and carbohydrates, you're just going to get fat as fuck. 0.91

00:48:51.000 But if you do just the animal fat, then your body loses weight, believe it or not. 0.98

00:48:56.000 You actually get slim.

00:48:57.000 Yeah, no, I know about that part, but I didn't know the cholesterol part.

00:49:01.000 This is one important thing for people.

00:49:04.000 If you are on a high-fat, low-carb diet, you cannot eat large amounts of carbohydrates.

00:49:09.000 Because if you do, it's just going to go right to fat.

00:49:12.000 Because your body just is not...

00:49:14.000 It's confused.

00:49:15.000 Well, it's going to burn the carbohydrates, and it's going to take all the fat you take in and just store it. 0.99

00:49:20.000 So you're just going to get fat as fuck. 0.99

00:49:23.000 Well, with all this body positivity... 1.00

00:49:26.000 How do you know that's not what I want?

00:49:28.000 I want to get fat.

00:49:29.000 Do you think so?

00:49:30.000 So I can be body positive.

00:49:31.000 Body positive.

00:49:32.000 Is that what that is?

00:49:33.000 It's just embrace the fatness.

00:49:35.000 It's literally just being like, fat, love your body.

00:49:38.000 And that's fine. 0.57

00:49:39.000 You can be fat and love your body.

00:49:40.000 But it's also promoting unhealthy behaviors, I think, also.

00:49:44.000 And we need to distinguish between the two.

00:49:46.000 Well, we want to give people a free pass by saying, be body positive.

00:49:50.000 Don't fat shame.

00:49:52.000 Leave people be.

00:49:54.000 I have a black belt in fat shaming.

00:49:55.000 Are you good at it?

00:49:58.000 You know how you do taekwondo?

00:50:00.000 I do fat shaming.

00:50:01.000 Go to a dojo? 1.00

00:50:02.000 Look at this slob. 1.00

00:50:04.000 Fat, stinky armpits. 1.00

00:50:08.000 It used to be easy to fat shame. 1.00

00:50:11.000 Now people are super upset about it.

00:50:12.000 Yeah, no, I know.

00:50:13.000 I'm not sure he's right.

00:50:14.000 I'm really not.

00:50:16.000 Well, it's not right, but you should make fun of somebody for the way they look.

00:50:19.000 I don't think that's right.

00:50:22.000 But we shouldn't be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle.

00:50:24.000 That too.

00:50:25.000 And also, like Tom Segura said, that people making fun of his weight is the reason why he lost weight.

00:50:30.000 He's like, fat shaming was very effective on me.

00:50:33.000 He lost the weight because people were fat shaming him.

00:50:35.000 Yeah.

00:50:36.000 A lot of behaviors are because you felt shame.

00:50:40.000 And we're in a society where like...

00:50:43.000 There's no shame anymore.

00:50:44.000 There's no shame?

00:50:45.000 With anything.

00:50:45.000 I know people that are, like, proud of their alcoholism.

00:50:51.000 Yeah?

00:50:52.000 I've heard people bragging about DUIs.

00:50:54.000 What?

00:50:54.000 I'm not kidding.

00:50:55.000 You're hanging around with the wrong people.

00:50:57.000 They're not my friends.

00:50:58.000 Okay.

00:50:58.000 I just have heard it.

00:51:00.000 So do you think that's an escape clause?

00:51:03.000 Like, they're just like, they're giving themselves an out?

00:51:05.000 Like, ah, I love being an alcoholic. 1.00

00:51:07.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:51:08.000 Yeah, I think to them, it's because of, we're accepting everything now, that it's just like, it's just fun behavior. 1.00

00:51:14.000 Like, I'm fun when I'm drunk, and it's just, and that's fine.

00:51:18.000 You can be fun, but also, you know, there's Ubers. 0.96

00:51:22.000 Take a Lyft.

00:51:23.000 Why are you driving?

00:51:24.000 Right.

00:51:24.000 That's the problem.

00:51:25.000 Yeah.

00:51:25.000 Especially today.

00:51:26.000 There's no excuse for that, especially in Hollywood. 0.98

00:51:29.000 I mean, that fucking comedy store parking lot, you can't get out of it because it's always jammed up with Lyfts and Ubers. 0.98

00:51:33.000 Yep. 0.99

00:51:33.000 Which is great, but also it is annoying. 0.99

00:51:35.000 It's annoying.

00:51:36.000 It's annoying.

00:51:36.000 But it's great that people are choosing to have somebody drive them around.

00:51:40.000 Right.

00:51:40.000 Still, the whole thing about Ubers is like, how much background check are they doing on those freaks?

00:51:45.000 Yeah, no.

00:51:46.000 I'm positive I've gotten in a Lyft driver, or Uber driver, because I used to do Uber, but they suck, so I started doing Lyft.

00:51:54.000 But yeah, I'm sure I got in an Uber at one point where somebody was drunker than I was.

00:51:59.000 Let me get this.

00:52:01.000 Yeah, they're not checking them, right?

00:52:03.000 No, not at all.

00:52:04.000 Not at all.

00:52:05.000 I just, I don't know.

00:52:06.000 I feel like being, because you don't drink at all, do you?

00:52:09.000 I drink.

00:52:10.000 You do drink?

00:52:10.000 Yeah.

00:52:10.000 Okay.

00:52:11.000 I just feel like I have such a non-addictive personality, and I feel that most people are addicted to things.

00:52:19.000 Mm.

00:52:20.000 And that's why it's also tough for me, like, dating also.

00:52:25.000 It's because I see I know that a lot of people that I have, you know, been on dates with or whatever, it's like, oh, this lifestyle is not conducive to what I'm trying to do.

00:52:34.000 So we just don't click in that way. 0.76

00:52:36.000 Because you find you go on dates with guys who are getting fucked up a lot? 0.98

00:52:39.000 Yeah, like a lot. 0.98

00:52:40.000 A lot.

00:52:41.000 Like every weekend?

00:52:43.000 Weekend.

00:52:43.000 Nights.

00:52:44.000 Yeah.

00:52:45.000 Weeknights.

00:52:45.000 Yeah.

00:52:46.000 Any day.

00:52:46.000 Is it Tuesday?

00:52:47.000 Why am I not drunk yet?

00:52:48.000 Right.

00:52:49.000 Yeah.

00:52:49.000 So yeah, I actually, the last app that I got on was like, it's called Meet Mindful.

00:52:55.000 Because I wanted to, like, find people who were...

00:52:59.000 Some yoga dude.

00:52:59.000 Yeah.

00:53:00.000 Somebody who is just more present and maybe likes themselves a little bit more so they don't have to get drunk all the time to be with themselves.

00:53:07.000 Yeah.

00:53:07.000 How'd that work out?

00:53:09.000 Well, they were like, you gotta pay $30 a month.

00:53:12.000 And I was like, maybe I'm not looking for love right now.

00:53:15.000 I paid before for eHarmony.

00:53:18.000 That's what I paid for that one.

00:53:19.000 I paid almost $200 for that one.

00:53:20.000 How would that work out?

00:53:21.000 Terribly.

00:53:21.000 And that's why I'm hesitant to pay again, because I got nothing.

00:53:24.000 I got literally nothing from that.

00:53:27.000 That doesn't make any sense.

00:53:28.000 I thought eHarmony instantly finds the love of your dreams, and then you sit down with them on a couch, and they do a video with you.

00:53:34.000 I knew that as soon as I met Candice...

00:53:36.000 She was the one.

00:53:38.000 I was on there for over a year.

00:53:40.000 What?

00:53:40.000 I called customer service and complained.

00:53:42.000 What'd you say? 1.00

00:53:43.000 Where's my dick? 1.00

00:53:44.000 Yeah, where's my dick at? 1.00

00:53:48.000 You promise me dick by month three or I get a refund. 0.99

00:53:52.000 You know, I called and I said I would like a refund. 0.98

00:53:55.000 She was like, why?

00:53:57.000 And I said, these dudes are like fours, like all of them. 1.00

00:54:01.000 And below.

00:54:02.000 They were just, all of them were like the worst looking people I had ever seen.

00:54:06.000 And she was like, you have so many messages that you haven't responded to.

00:54:09.000 I said, did you not hear my first complaint?

00:54:11.000 Like, I'm not going to respond to any of these dudes.

00:54:14.000 They were terrible looking.

00:54:16.000 And not just like physically, but just like the photo, like terrifying looking.

00:54:20.000 Like serial killers, like don't know, like pictures of just a forehead.

00:54:27.000 You don't even take a picture properly. 0.99

00:54:30.000 The dating app world's gotta be fucking weird. 0.98

00:54:32.000 No, you're so lucky. 0.98

00:54:33.000 I know several people that are in the dating app world.

00:54:36.000 You're so lucky.

00:54:36.000 They'll tell me about it.

00:54:37.000 They're swiping right all the time, swiping left.

00:54:40.000 It's awful.

00:54:41.000 Which one do you swipe white if you like them? 0.61

00:54:43.000 Which one do you?

00:54:43.000 Do you say swipe white?

00:54:44.000 Right. 1.00

00:54:44.000 You racist motherfucker. 1.00

00:54:48.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:54:50.000 I tried to swipe black, but there wasn't an option.

00:54:52.000 There was a phase where I was swiping white.

00:54:53.000 It didn't work out?

00:54:54.000 No, I've dated a couple of white dudes in my life.

00:54:58.000 Barely.

00:54:58.000 Barely?

00:54:59.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:54:59.000 One of them, I think, was gay. 0.97

00:55:01.000 Another one was a pathological liar. 1.00

00:55:05.000 I've dated two gay dudes, I think. 1.00

00:55:07.000 So out of your study group, white people are gay and pathological liars. 1.00

00:55:11.000 Yes. 1.00

00:55:12.000 And that's it.

00:55:13.000 There's nothing else.

00:55:16.000 Or the two are not mutually exclusive. 1.00

00:55:18.000 You could be gay and a pathological liar. 1.00

00:55:20.000 Yeah, I'm sure. 1.00

00:55:21.000 I'm sure it's possible.

00:55:22.000 Yeah.

00:55:23.000 You can have that combination.

00:55:26.000 Joe, send me one of your friends.

00:55:27.000 Okay.

00:55:28.000 I'll try to find somebody for you.

00:55:29.000 Serious?

00:55:29.000 Yeah.

00:55:30.000 I'll try to find somebody.

00:55:30.000 Really?

00:55:31.000 Yeah.

00:55:32.000 Why?

00:55:33.000 Are you saying it like...

00:55:33.000 Not a MMA person.

00:55:35.000 Oh, you don't want to...

00:55:36.000 Well, how come?

00:55:37.000 I don't think I could handle that.

00:55:39.000 Why not?

00:55:39.000 It's a lot of muscles.

00:55:41.000 You don't like muscles?

00:55:42.000 Not that much.

00:55:43.000 Okay.

00:55:44.000 What do you want?

00:55:44.000 You want to do the works like once a week?

00:55:50.000 Maybe, yeah.

00:55:50.000 Twice?

00:55:51.000 Maybe twice?

00:55:51.000 Maybe twice.

00:55:52.000 Maybe twice, but it doesn't go crazy?

00:55:53.000 Let's not go crazy.

00:55:54.000 No one who gets up in the morning and runs early.

00:55:57.000 I mean, they could do that. 0.81

00:55:58.000 Psychos.

00:55:58.000 I'll be meditating while he's running, so that's fine.

00:56:01.000 That'll work out.

00:56:02.000 Yeah?

00:56:02.000 Yeah, but I just don't want someone who, like, might be on steroids.

00:56:05.000 Oh, might be.

00:56:07.000 Might be.

00:56:08.000 Might be.

00:56:10.000 Okay.

00:56:10.000 I'll keep it in mind.

00:56:12.000 It's gotta be hard.

00:56:13.000 Like, when you fill out one of them eHarmony things, what do you have to write?

00:56:15.000 You write what your occupation is, what you're looking for.

00:56:18.000 What do you write what you're looking for? 0.99

00:56:19.000 Do you ever write, I'm just looking for dick? 0.99

00:56:21.000 No! 0.99

00:56:22.000 Do you write, I'm looking for a meaningful relationship with a person of my dreams? 1.00

00:56:25.000 Women already have to swat the dicks away without writing, I'm looking for dick. 1.00

00:56:29.000 Swat. 1.00

00:56:30.000 Dicks. 1.00

00:56:31.000 You walk outside and it's like, dicks! 0.99

00:56:32.000 Hey! 1.00

00:56:32.000 Get out of here! 1.00

00:56:33.000 Dicks, dicks! 1.00

00:56:33.000 No! 1.00

00:56:35.000 So, yeah, no, you can't write that.

00:56:37.000 And if I wanted that, I'd be on Tinder, you know?

00:56:39.000 Oh, is Tinder the move? 1.00

00:56:40.000 If you just want some dick? 1.00

00:56:41.000 You're so lucky. 1.00

00:56:42.000 You don't know about any of this.

00:56:43.000 I don't. 0.99

00:56:43.000 Tinder is the dick app. 0.99

00:56:45.000 So if you just want some dick, Tinder's the way to go. 0.99

00:56:48.000 And even Bumble is kind of turning into that. 0.98

00:56:50.000 Do you think that...

00:56:51.000 I don't know what Bumble is.

00:56:51.000 Is that a new one?

00:56:52.000 Not new anymore.

00:56:54.000 A newer one is Coffee Meets Bagel.

00:56:56.000 I was on that one for a minute.

00:56:57.000 I was reading this thing that said that there's a spread.

00:56:59.000 This made me angry.

00:57:01.000 It said, is Tinder and Grindr, are they responsible in any way for the spread of STDs from their apps?

00:57:08.000 Of course.

00:57:09.000 No, they're not.

00:57:10.000 Of course they are. 1.00

00:57:11.000 They don't owe a goddamn thing to those horny freaks sticking their dicks. 1.00

00:57:15.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:57:16.000 They shouldn't be sued. 0.97

00:57:18.000 That's ridiculous. 0.78

00:57:19.000 But they're saying, should they take responsibility? 0.95

00:57:21.000 Take responsibility, no.

00:57:22.000 But I guarantee that more people are hooking up because of these things.

00:57:25.000 Right.

00:57:26.000 These apps.

00:57:27.000 Right.

00:57:27.000 And doing it unsafely.

00:57:29.000 So what?

00:57:30.000 There's not any skin off their back.

00:57:33.000 No, I know.

00:57:34.000 No, I know.

00:57:34.000 I'm just...

00:57:35.000 But it's a weird time where, like, people are getting in trouble for things that other people are doing.

00:57:39.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:57:39.000 Like, you want people to be responsible.

00:57:40.000 No one's taking personal responsibility for their own mistakes.

00:57:43.000 Like, yeah, put a condom on.

00:57:44.000 What are you talking about?

00:57:44.000 What are you doing?

00:57:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:57:45.000 I've heard stories about, like, gay dudes, man, they are so trifling. 0.99

00:57:48.000 Look. 0.98

00:57:50.000 My friend, a gay dude, was telling me about what the behavior in gay gyms, how, like, they have in the shower... 1.00

00:58:00.000 There's a signal so that if you want somebody to come up in there and just ram you... 0.95

00:58:06.000 Send it home.

00:58:07.000 Yeah, you leave the curtain partially open and that's kind of like a signal to be like, okay, if you want to come up in here and get some, you can.

00:58:14.000 And I was talking to a friend, I was like, what if you didn't know that rule and you accidentally leave the curtain open just because you didn't close it properly?

00:58:22.000 Jesus.

00:58:22.000 And all of a sudden some dude is...

00:58:24.000 Well, every time I've been in gyms around gay people, I used to belong to Gold's Gym on Cole. 0.56

00:58:32.000 It's in West Hollywood.

00:58:34.000 And that's where we used to film news radio right down the street from there.

00:58:38.000 So that was the gym that I worked at. 0.91

00:58:40.000 It's a gay disco. 1.00

00:58:41.000 That gym is a goddamn gay disco. 1.00

00:58:43.000 And when I would go there, not that there's anything wrong with that, but when I would go there, you'd get that feeling that a girl gets all the time. 1.00

00:58:52.000 You're terrified.

00:58:54.000 All these eyes on me. 1.00

00:58:56.000 Someone trying to fuck you. 1.00

00:58:56.000 I feel unsafe right now. 1.00

00:58:58.000 It's a different feeling.

00:58:59.000 Girls hitting on you is like, if you want, you can come over here. 1.00

00:59:02.000 Guys hitting on you is like, if you want, I'll come over there.

00:59:05.000 It's a different feeling.

00:59:06.000 You sounded like Michael Jackson right there.

00:59:08.000 Did I? Michael Jackson when he's not using this falsetto voice?

00:59:12.000 But it's an uncomfortable feeling knowing that guys want to fuck you. 1.00

00:59:15.000 Like I couldn't imagine being a girl just trying to navigate my way through dudes. 1.00

00:59:19.000 It's terrifying. 0.98

00:59:20.000 Swatting dicks away.

00:59:21.000 Swatting them.

00:59:22.000 Swatting them.

00:59:23.000 Yeah, no.

00:59:23.000 Crack.

00:59:24.000 Having peeping toms at your windows.

00:59:25.000 It's a scary world out there.

00:59:31.000 So your neighbor, when they found that guy, was he hot?

00:59:34.000 No.

00:59:35.000 What if he was?

00:59:35.000 I still don't know.

00:59:37.000 What if he's hot and he said, I'm sorry?

00:59:39.000 You're gonna be in my window.

00:59:40.000 Hey, girl. 0.99

00:59:41.000 Hey, girl. 0.99

00:59:42.000 I'm sorry.

00:59:43.000 I came home from the club.

00:59:43.000 I was a little drunk.

00:59:44.000 I've always had this thing for you.

00:59:45.000 I can't believe I was whispering. 1.00

00:59:47.000 Hey, your pussy is disrespectful. 1.00

00:59:48.000 I apologize. 1.00

00:59:50.000 What if he says it like that?

00:59:51.000 If you'd like me to take you out for drinks and just...

00:59:54.000 We'll make up to you.

00:59:55.000 I'm so sorry.

00:59:56.000 I'm so sorry.

00:59:59.000 Well, you know, you put it like that.

01:00:01.000 Who am I to turn down?

01:00:02.000 Here's my eHarmony profile.

01:00:05.000 I don't know.

01:00:06.000 The terrifying part is that I don't know who it was.

01:00:08.000 And it could be someone I know.

01:00:10.000 And even the way my neighbors described him was that it actually, the way they described him did describe someone that I know and consider a friend.

01:00:19.000 Oh.

01:00:20.000 But then when I showed my neighbor the picture of the person I was talking about, they were like, no, I don't think that's him.

01:00:24.000 But still now in the back of my head, I'm like, what if it was?

01:00:27.000 So now my friendship with this person has been a little strained because of it.

01:00:30.000 So I'm like, I don't trust you.

01:00:31.000 Whoa.

01:00:32.000 I know.

01:00:32.000 It's weird.

01:00:33.000 That is weird.

01:00:36.000 That's the life of a girl. 1.00

01:00:38.000 Women have to worry about shit that guys don't have to worry about. 1.00

01:00:40.000 I know. 1.00

01:00:41.000 So many things.

01:00:42.000 Yeah, there are no girls outside your window whispering, Well, they are, but it's because you dated them before and you wronged them and you cheated on them or did something and now she's stalking you. 0.96

01:00:54.000 Or you found out they're crazy and they know where you live now.

01:00:57.000 Yeah.

01:00:59.000 I'm very interested in all of relationship behavior and crimes of passion.

01:01:05.000 I like all of it.

01:01:07.000 I'm very into it.

01:01:08.000 Like those A&E shows?

01:01:10.000 Yeah, A&E are like Snapped on Oxygen.

01:01:13.000 Have you ever seen that?

01:01:14.000 What's Snapped?

01:01:14.000 When people snap?

01:01:15.000 Yes.

01:01:16.000 Mostly women. 1.00

01:01:17.000 It's mostly women. 1.00

01:01:18.000 Sometimes it's the men.

01:01:19.000 Of course, it's Oxygen.

01:01:19.000 It is Oxygen.

01:01:20.000 That's the women channel, right? 1.00

01:01:22.000 Absolutely.

01:01:23.000 Yeah, that's Lifetime.

01:01:23.000 Why is oxygen a women's channel?

01:01:26.000 I don't know.

01:01:26.000 Oxygen is like air.

01:01:27.000 We need that.

01:01:28.000 Everybody needs that.

01:01:28.000 I don't know.

01:01:30.000 But yeah, we were...

01:01:31.000 I was watching Snapped.

01:01:33.000 I watch it.

01:01:34.000 Not so much anymore, but it's been on for a long time.

01:01:35.000 But every episode is like a different couple. 0.99

01:01:37.000 And the woman is just like, can't put up with the shit anymore. 1.00

01:01:42.000 Like her dude's cheating on her or like taking her money or abusing her or whatever. 1.00

01:01:46.000 And then she snaps and she kills him. 1.00

01:01:49.000 Well, you always... 0.88

01:01:50.000 There's always a spoiler alert.

01:01:52.000 What?

01:01:53.000 For every show.

01:01:54.000 Well, yeah.

01:01:54.000 You know where it's going to go.

01:01:55.000 You know, right.

01:01:56.000 And she just couldn't take it anymore.

01:01:58.000 It's in the title.

01:02:00.000 Gee, I wonder when she's going to snap. 0.99

01:02:01.000 Next thing you know, there's a dick flying across the... 1.00

01:02:04.000 That's my only thing. 0.99

01:02:09.000 I don't want to be a victim of a crime of passion.

01:02:12.000 Just don't...

01:02:13.000 You know, just break up with me. 0.99

01:02:14.000 You don't have to kill me. 0.99

01:02:15.000 Yeah.

01:02:16.000 I hear you.

01:02:17.000 That's a reasonable request.

01:02:18.000 What's the craziest thing?

01:02:19.000 What's the craziest thing a girlfriend has ever done to you? 1.00

01:02:22.000 Have you gotten your car keyed before?

01:02:27.000 No.

01:02:29.000 No.

01:02:30.000 I've been pretty good at navigating those waters.

01:02:34.000 I've got pretty good crazy radar.

01:02:36.000 Oh, yeah?

01:02:37.000 The problem is when they're really hot. 0.96

01:02:39.000 When they're really hot and they're also crazy, like, damn, this might be worth a risk. 0.64

01:02:43.000 That's usually what... 0.84

01:02:44.000 I don't know if you've seen this.

01:02:45.000 It was a YouTube clip and the guy drew a chart And it was like a chart of crazy to hotness. 0.86

01:02:54.000 And it's like all the hot chicks are always crazy. 1.00

01:02:57.000 And it basically tells you in what range you have to find the normal woman.

01:03:04.000 My friend Tony Zara has it best.

01:03:07.000 He said that there's like erotic and neurotic.

01:03:11.000 And they cross over.

01:03:13.000 Like a Venn diagram?

01:03:14.000 They hit this...

01:03:15.000 They hit this crossover.

01:03:16.000 They're two interchangeable things.

01:03:20.000 Completely closely related. 0.61

01:03:22.000 Psychotic, neurotic, and erotic. 0.97

01:03:25.000 They're all together. 1.00

01:03:26.000 And if you get the really erotic women, they're almost always psychotic or neurotic or crazy. 0.99

01:03:33.000 There's just something wrong. 0.99

01:03:35.000 Yeah.

01:03:36.000 Red flags.

01:03:37.000 The really fun ones.

01:03:38.000 Yeah.

01:03:38.000 They're just the ones that really want to rock your world.

01:03:41.000 They're crazy.

01:03:42.000 I've heard that. 0.53

01:03:43.000 And so, if you're wondering, I'm very normal.

01:03:46.000 Boring and slick. 0.99

01:03:50.000 Again, my parents loved me, which means I don't do anal. 0.99

01:03:57.000 That's a good point. 0.99

01:04:00.000 That is a weird thing, right?

01:04:01.000 If your parents love you too much, you might not be as ambitious.

01:04:05.000 I mean, that is true.

01:04:06.000 Like, I wish.

01:04:07.000 I told you.

01:04:07.000 Like, I think I'm definitely ambitious.

01:04:09.000 Like, I'm definitely, you know, I've been doing this for, like, 10 years now.

01:04:13.000 And it's like, I have come so far.

01:04:16.000 So it's like, yeah, no, I definitely have goals and I'm achieving them.

01:04:19.000 But it's also, I'm also not like, what we were talking about earlier, like the CEOs of these corporations.

01:04:25.000 Like, I don't have that kind of drive.

01:04:26.000 Like, I just want to do what I love and make good money doing it.

01:04:29.000 You've been doing stand-up for 10 years?

01:04:31.000 Mm-hmm.

01:04:31.000 Yeah.

01:04:31.000 Where'd you start?

01:04:32.000 Here.

01:04:33.000 At the store?

01:04:34.000 Not store, but like in LA. I started the first place I got up, you know, doing open mics and stuff, but I didn't want to go to the store at first because I was like, I don't want to go there if I'm not funny yet.

01:04:43.000 Right.

01:04:44.000 Then who knows is going to see me and they're going to be like, oh, she's not funny.

01:04:46.000 When did you get past the store?

01:04:47.000 Like December of 2014, so almost 2015. Oh, so that was right when I came back.

01:04:54.000 Yes, it was right when you came back because that was right.

01:04:56.000 I was the first, me and Earl Skakel were the first people that Adam passed when he got promoted to that position.

01:05:02.000 Wow.

01:05:03.000 Yeah, because I don't know if Tommy was ever going to pass me.

01:05:06.000 I don't know.

01:05:09.000 Tommy.

01:05:09.000 I know.

01:05:12.000 So when I came back, I got to see the whole new crop.

01:05:16.000 There was a whole new crop of people in the seven years that I was gone.

01:05:19.000 Was it seven years?

01:05:21.000 Yeah, I was gone for seven years.

01:05:24.000 I thought I'd be gone forever.

01:05:26.000 If Tommy didn't get fired and Adam didn't take over, I would have still been gone. 0.99

01:05:30.000 That was the dumbest thing. 1.00

01:05:32.000 The dumbest decision. 1.00

01:05:34.000 For me, it was a good decision. 1.00

01:05:36.000 It was good.

01:05:36.000 It was healthy to get away from the store for a little bit.

01:05:39.000 Sort of changed my comedy.

01:05:40.000 Made it a little less evil.

01:05:44.000 There's something about that place.

01:05:45.000 It was cathartic for you, yeah.

01:05:46.000 That place is so harsh.

01:05:49.000 But haven't you noticed that the energy has changed since Adam was taken over?

01:05:52.000 It's a completely different place.

01:05:54.000 It's a different place without Tommy.

01:05:55.000 It's a different place just because of the vibe of the Comedy Store is now also fortified by the internet.

01:06:01.000 It's like people who love the place because it's this iconic historical landmark.

01:06:06.000 Yeah.

01:06:06.000 It's like the Mecca of comedy.

01:06:08.000 Yeah.

01:06:08.000 It really is the Mecca.

01:06:09.000 It's the best club in the country.

01:06:10.000 Now it's the real Mecca.

01:06:12.000 When I was a kid, when I was first starting out, I had heard about the Comedy Store.

01:06:16.000 You know, because Sam Kinison started out there and Richard Pryor was always there.

01:06:20.000 That was the place.

01:06:21.000 I needed to go to the Comedy Store.

01:06:23.000 When I came out here, I was already on a sitcom and I didn't get past the store.

01:06:28.000 I was a non-paid regular so I was able to go on at the end of the shows.

01:06:32.000 When I first got here, when I got passed as a paid regular, it was like the happiest moment of my life. 0.99

01:06:38.000 I was like, holy shit. 0.97

01:06:39.000 I'm a paid regular at the Comedy Store. 0.99

01:06:42.000 Like, that to me was bigger than being on a television show.

01:06:44.000 No, I know.

01:06:45.000 I'm here.

01:06:45.000 But back then, the Comedy Store was a ghost town.

01:06:48.000 Yeah.

01:06:49.000 It was deserted.

01:06:50.000 There was no one there.

01:06:51.000 You'd go on a Friday night, there'd be 30 people in the audience.

01:06:53.000 It was just gross.

01:06:55.000 And there was a lot of boat acts still floating around.

01:06:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:06:59.000 Something happened in the Kinnison age.

01:07:02.000 Kinnison age was like 84 to 87, 88. And in that time, that guy was just running rampant and destroying.

01:07:11.000 And he was a maniac.

01:07:13.000 And he was the top of the world. 0.99

01:07:15.000 And then he dropped off, and then he died.

01:07:18.000 And then when he died, that place was a ghost town.

01:07:21.000 So I came along right after he died.

01:07:23.000 I came along in 94, and there was no one there.

01:07:26.000 So it went from being this jam-packed, like, I would always hear, like, all these celebrities come to see Kinnison do spots late at 9, and be like, whoa, that must have been nuts.

01:07:34.000 Yeah, John Belushi would be there, and Jack Nicholson, and all these different people.

01:07:38.000 And then you go there, I don't know if it was John Belushi, he was probably dead by then.

01:07:41.000 When did John Belushi die?

01:07:43.000 He died in 82?

01:07:46.000 Yeah, he died earlier than that.

01:07:48.000 Yeah.

01:07:50.000 I shouldn't have said John Blue.

01:07:51.000 I might have made that up.

01:07:52.000 But I know Jack Nicholson and a bunch of other celebrities who go to see Kinison.

01:07:55.000 And I remember thinking, man, nobody famous comes here now. 0.98

01:07:58.000 This place is a shithole. 0.97

01:07:59.000 It's like there's nobody there. 1.00

01:08:02.000 But it's different now.

01:08:03.000 Now it's hopping.

01:08:05.000 It's amazing now.

01:08:05.000 No, it's every show sold out.

01:08:07.000 Every show.

01:08:08.000 Every show.

01:08:08.000 It's nuts.

01:08:09.000 Last night was crazy.

01:08:10.000 Yeah, no.

01:08:11.000 I was thinking that the other day.

01:08:12.000 It was like, what a time for me to be a regular at the store.

01:08:15.000 It just happened at the perfect time.

01:08:19.000 Because I know so many people that were door guys back when I've heard stories.

01:08:23.000 Bobby would tell me stories from when he used to work there and Freddie Lockhart when they were door guys.

01:08:28.000 And I'm like, wow. 0.99

01:08:30.000 That place sounds so shitty. 0.95

01:08:32.000 They were getting paid like $25 for the day. 0.98

01:08:36.000 Yeah.

01:08:38.000 All day.

01:08:39.000 You can't even eat off that.

01:08:40.000 Sounds awful.

01:08:41.000 Yeah.

01:08:42.000 I met Bobby who's a door guy at the La Jolla store.

01:08:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:46.000 When I met Bobby, it was like 1994 or some shit like that. 0.90

01:08:50.000 We went to a strip club and he almost got killed. 0.96

01:08:53.000 What?

01:08:54.000 I mean, that sounds about right.

01:08:56.000 At first I'm like, what?

01:08:57.000 He's hitting on some girl and apparently she was dating some Mexican gangbanger and this guy who had long black hair and tattoos on his face in the 90s.

01:09:07.000 In the 90s he had tattoos on his face.

01:09:11.000 It wasn't even popular back then.

01:09:13.000 And then he was looking over at me and they're talking to his friends. 0.96

01:09:16.000 I go, we are getting the fuck out of here. 0.96

01:09:18.000 I think Jimmy Schubert was with me. 0.91

01:09:20.000 It was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby Lee. 0.98

01:09:22.000 I go, we're getting the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:09:23.000 And Bobby's like, those guys aren't going to do shit. 1.00

01:09:25.000 I go, I will fucking leave you. 0.99

01:09:27.000 I go, you don't have any idea what danger is. 0.99

01:09:30.000 I go, those guys are going to do something.

01:09:32.000 And you can fight.

01:09:33.000 I wasn't worried about fighting.

01:09:34.000 I was worried about getting shot.

01:09:36.000 They were going to murder.

01:09:38.000 I'm like, this is a bad scene, dude.

01:09:39.000 We got to get out of here now. 0.98

01:09:41.000 And Bobby's like, those guys ain't gonna do shit. 0.90

01:09:43.000 I'm like, who is this guy? 0.99

01:09:45.000 You are the smallest person here. 0.99

01:09:46.000 Well, he was, you know, 21 years old or whatever the fuck he was. 1.00

01:09:49.000 He was out of his mind. 0.99

01:09:50.000 He was a child.

01:09:51.000 I mean, he's still childlike in many ways, but yes.

01:09:53.000 In all ways.

01:09:54.000 Name one way or he's a man.

01:09:57.000 I tell his girlfriend all the time.

01:09:59.000 I was like, you're the most patient woman in the world to deal with him.

01:10:02.000 Yeah, that's an odd couple.

01:10:03.000 It's a very odd couple.

01:10:05.000 Seems to work, though.

01:10:06.000 They've been together for a while.

01:10:06.000 Oh, they love each other.

01:10:07.000 It's insane.

01:10:08.000 And they met on Tinder.

01:10:10.000 Kapow! 0.99

01:10:11.000 Yeah.

01:10:11.000 It worked.

01:10:13.000 I know two people.

01:10:14.000 I said it worked and you went...

01:10:16.000 Because I know two people that it worked for.

01:10:18.000 Them and also I know a couple that was getting married this weekend who met on Tinder.

01:10:21.000 Well, there you go.

01:10:22.000 Maybe it's just you.

01:10:22.000 That's four people.

01:10:23.000 Maybe it's just you.

01:10:25.000 Maybe you need to give Tinder a second chance.

01:10:26.000 I know for sure it is me because I refuse to settle.

01:10:30.000 I know for sure it is me.

01:10:31.000 How do you think, using your vision board and all of your manifesting, how can you just... 0.99

01:10:36.000 Put some dick on my vision board. 0.99

01:10:37.000 How can you get someone in your life that you need in your life? 1.00

01:10:40.000 How can you do this?

01:10:40.000 I honestly, honestly, honestly Rogan.

01:10:42.000 Honestly, Joe Rogan.

01:10:43.000 Honestly.

01:10:45.000 Every time I think of your name, I think of Tyrone Figgums. 0.95

01:10:51.000 I don't know if you know this about me, Joe Rogan.

01:10:52.000 I smoke rocks.

01:10:53.000 I think that was my first...

01:10:55.000 I mean, I knew you from Fear Factor, but I also...

01:10:57.000 That was a huge, you know, for me.

01:10:59.000 Before I even knew I'd be doing stand-up when I'm watching this Chappelle show.

01:11:02.000 And I just remember, it makes me laugh so much.

01:11:04.000 Joe Rogan.

01:11:07.000 My feet are strong.

01:11:09.000 That was a great character.

01:11:10.000 I, like, have tried to do crack impressions.

01:11:13.000 Like, crack head impressions for jokes before.

01:11:16.000 And I can't because every time I try to do an original crackhead impression just from my own inspiration and from watching other real crackheads, I can't do it because the default crackhead is now Tyrone Biggums.

01:11:30.000 And I'm like, I can't do it because I can't do Tyrone Biggums on stage.

01:11:34.000 There's certain people that create characters that forever...

01:11:37.000 They're iconic.

01:11:37.000 Yeah, that's the crackhead for the rest of time.

01:11:41.000 For the rest of time.

01:11:42.000 Yeah.

01:11:43.000 Ow! 1.00

01:11:44.000 Ow! 1.00

01:11:48.000 Isn't it amazing that that show was only two seasons?

01:11:51.000 That's what's amazing.

01:11:53.000 And that it was 15 years ago.

01:11:56.000 Wow. 1.00

01:11:58.000 And even more amazing that he just said, fuck it, and left. 1.00

01:12:01.000 And left. 1.00

01:12:02.000 Yeah.

01:12:03.000 Sorry.

01:12:04.000 Gotta go.

01:12:04.000 Yeah.

01:12:05.000 I mean, I get it, though.

01:12:06.000 I get it.

01:12:07.000 I totally get it.

01:12:09.000 I was on Comedy Central at the time, and I saw the management and how it was working there.

01:12:15.000 It was chaos. 0.98

01:12:16.000 Whenever you tell people that aren't funny, that are executives, tell them to manage funny, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. 0.99

01:12:24.000 They have no idea. 0.94

01:12:26.000 Let Dave Chappelle be Dave Chappelle.

01:12:28.000 Trust me, he's going to make the most funny.

01:12:31.000 Let him and Neil Brennan figure out Figure out what they're doing and just get out of the way.

01:12:36.000 Get out of the way and put ads on it.

01:12:37.000 Yeah, and you saw the success of what had happened with what they did with that control. 0.99

01:12:41.000 Yeah, you know, they tried to do a bunch of shit with him. 0.97

01:12:43.000 First of all, they tried to get him to change his language, stop using the N-word. 0.99

01:12:48.000 They wanted him to stop using it because they would get more ads.

01:12:50.000 It was all about people not comfortable with advertising with certain kind of sketches, so they wanted to maximize their profits.

01:12:58.000 Well, so tone down the show a little, maximize their profits, and Dave was like, I see where this is going.

01:13:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:03.000 Lose complete control.

01:13:04.000 He just quit.

01:13:06.000 Yeah.

01:13:06.000 Imagine the executives when they found that he was really quitting.

01:13:09.000 They were like, what?

01:13:11.000 He's just joshing.

01:13:12.000 Yeah, they're probably like, what?

01:13:13.000 He's just bluffing.

01:13:14.000 Yeah, he doesn't like the way you guys are shaping the show, so he's going to quit, and he's in Africa now. 0.92

01:13:20.000 Bye.

01:13:21.000 Click.

01:13:22.000 But we were just going to make $180 million.

01:13:25.000 But we were just going to make $180 million!

01:13:28.000 No.

01:13:29.000 Dave just quit.

01:13:30.000 Oh, you guys blew it.

01:13:31.000 You know, people don't remember, but for a while, Dave was doing shows and he wasn't getting paid.

01:13:35.000 He wouldn't do shows where he got paid.

01:13:37.000 He would show up in the park.

01:13:39.000 He showed up in Seattle.

01:13:40.000 It was like a big deal.

01:13:41.000 He put up a speaker.

01:13:42.000 He put up his own PA system and started doing stand-up in the park.

01:13:46.000 And a crowd gathered around.

01:13:48.000 Of course.

01:13:49.000 And that's what he would do.

01:13:50.000 He would just show up places and start doing stand-up.

01:13:53.000 That's crazy.

01:13:54.000 That's what he did.

01:13:55.000 You know, when I met Dave, I met Dave, he's like, I was 21, he was like 18, something like that.

01:14:01.000 Or maybe I was a little older.

01:14:02.000 I was like 24 and he was 18. And he would do shows outside.

01:14:09.000 Like, we would do a gig.

01:14:10.000 We did a gig in Montreal.

01:14:12.000 And then after we did the gig in Montreal, we came downstairs outside of Club Soda.

01:14:15.000 And he just started doing stand-up on the street.

01:14:19.000 He goes, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, gather round. 1.00

01:14:23.000 I got some shit to tell you. 0.99

01:14:25.000 And then he would start doing stand-up on the street. 1.00

01:14:27.000 And he learned it from Charlie Burnett.

01:14:30.000 Charlie Burnett, he was like an old-school New York character who did a lot of street comedy.

01:14:38.000 Didn't we have a video of Charlie Barnett?

01:14:40.000 There's one online.

01:14:41.000 Yeah, this is what he would do.

01:14:43.000 Charlie Barnett would do comedy like this.

01:14:45.000 He got these giant crowds and would walk around a park and get everybody to gather around.

01:14:52.000 And he was such a showman that people would just sit and wait and he would do stand-up.

01:14:56.000 Here it is in Washington Square Park.

01:14:58.000 That's insane.

01:15:01.000 I mean, look at this crowd.

01:15:02.000 We're in the village.

01:15:03.000 I love the village.

01:15:04.000 We got a nice mixed crowd.

01:15:06.000 I mean, look what we got.

01:15:07.000 We got white folks.

01:15:10.000 We got black folks.

01:15:13.000 We got Puerto Ricans. 0.72

01:15:17.000 Puerto Ricans.

01:15:19.000 Puerto Ricans. 1.00

01:15:22.000 We got a lot of fucking Puerto Ricans. 1.00

01:15:26.000 But I'm not gonna fuck with the Puerto Ricans, man, because y'all born with knives! 1.00

01:15:31.000 Y'all cut me up and I won't even know what you're saying! 1.00

01:15:33.000 He would do this.

01:15:34.000 This is how he would do his stand-up.

01:15:36.000 He would yell it out in the park.

01:15:37.000 I got a chance to see him a couple...

01:15:38.000 He died of AIDS. Like somewhere...

01:15:41.000 I think it was in the early 90s he died.

01:15:44.000 But I got to see him...

01:15:46.000 That's when people were dying of AIDS. Yeah, back when AIDS would kill you.

01:15:49.000 Now AIDS is like the flu.

01:15:51.000 Yeah, it's like everybody got it.

01:15:52.000 Yeah, don't whine if you got AIDS. My uncle's got leukemia.

01:15:56.000 They don't even have medication for that, bro.

01:16:00.000 But Charlie Burnett influenced Dave, and Dave would do that kind of stand-up.

01:16:06.000 Dave would just do stand-up in front of a club.

01:16:09.000 And people would just gather around and watch him.

01:16:12.000 And I remember thinking, like, wow, that's not really me.

01:16:15.000 I can never do that.

01:16:16.000 But man, that kind of detachment, to be able to just be free in front of a crowd like that.

01:16:23.000 Yep.

01:16:24.000 That's powerful.

01:16:25.000 And, you know, we've performed in all different types of really terrible places.

01:16:29.000 You know, when you're coming up and you're just doing open mics in bars and, like, coffee shops or whatever.

01:16:33.000 And I still, to this day, roll my eyes when it's an outdoor venue.

01:16:37.000 Because it's just like...

01:16:40.000 Because, you know, there's nothing to trap the sound.

01:16:43.000 Right.

01:16:43.000 So, like, the laughs just get lost.

01:16:45.000 Yeah.

01:16:46.000 They just disappear into the ether.

01:16:47.000 That happens with arenas, too, when you do stand-up in an arena.

01:16:50.000 Absolutely.

01:16:50.000 Not that I've performed in an arena.

01:16:52.000 It's on my vision board, though.

01:16:54.000 Is it?

01:16:54.000 Yeah.

01:16:56.000 Of course it is. 1.00

01:16:57.000 Right next to the dick. 1.00

01:16:58.000 What's on your vision board that's weird, besides dick? 1.00

01:17:03.000 That's weird? 0.99

01:17:04.000 You got anything crazy in your vision board?

01:17:06.000 You got a private jet on your vision board?

01:17:08.000 Is that crazy?

01:17:09.000 Do you have one?

01:17:11.000 It's actually not on my vision board, but I do visualize it.

01:17:13.000 Do you?

01:17:14.000 I do visualize it.

01:17:15.000 How do you visualize it?

01:17:15.000 Do you visualize you?

01:17:16.000 When I meditate.

01:17:16.000 Do you visualize you strolling with a tiny bag with a dog in it?

01:17:20.000 No.

01:17:20.000 And you got like a cigarette holder and giant glasses?

01:17:23.000 Cigarette holder to people?

01:17:25.000 Yeah.

01:17:25.000 Just like Hunter S. Thompson?

01:17:27.000 Like Zsa Zsa Gabor?

01:17:28.000 Yeah.

01:17:30.000 Stroll on with high-heeled stilettos and a tight skirt. 0.96

01:17:34.000 Like, oh, oh, where's my seat?

01:17:35.000 Where's my seat? 1.00

01:17:36.000 It's wherever the fuck I want it to be, bitch. 1.00

01:17:38.000 This is my plane! 1.00

01:17:39.000 Woo! 1.00

01:17:40.000 Let my dog shit on the floor. 1.00

01:17:41.000 It's my plane, motherfucker! 1.00

01:17:43.000 No, my private jet is going to be much more basic than that. 1.00

01:17:47.000 I just want a plane where I can fart freely and not have to worry about other people.

01:17:52.000 One time I held a fart from Cincinnati to Los Angeles.

01:17:55.000 That's very polite of you.

01:17:56.000 I know.

01:17:56.000 Thank you.

01:17:57.000 Especially on a plane.

01:17:58.000 A lot of people are sneaky on planes.

01:17:59.000 I know.

01:18:00.000 But I was like, I can't do this to anybody.

01:18:02.000 Good for you.

01:18:03.000 Thank you.

01:18:04.000 I'm a very considerate person.

01:18:05.000 But if it was your plane?

01:18:07.000 Let them loose.

01:18:08.000 But what if it was your plane and you had a stewardess?

01:18:10.000 Still let it loose?

01:18:11.000 Flight attendants.

01:18:12.000 Oh.

01:18:13.000 What's the difference?

01:18:15.000 They change it to flight attendant because they have male flight attendants. 1.00

01:18:18.000 Because you can't call a male stewardess. 0.78

01:18:21.000 Do they really have male flight attendants? 1.00

01:18:24.000 I've seen them all the time.

01:18:25.000 Are they really male?

01:18:26.000 Well, I mean, yes. 0.79

01:18:28.000 They're gay, but they're men. 0.95

01:18:32.000 They're more feminine than me, but yes, they're still men. 0.98

01:18:35.000 I went to the dentist today and I had to fill out one of them.

01:18:37.000 I'm going to the dentist on Friday.

01:18:38.000 OMG, we're so alike.

01:18:40.000 I had to fill out this form, and on the form it said sex.

01:18:44.000 It said male or female.

01:18:46.000 I was like, where's the other?

01:18:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:18:49.000 Where's the other, bitch? 1.00

01:18:52.000 Where's kins? 1.00

01:18:53.000 Where's other kins? 0.89

01:18:54.000 Other kins?

01:18:55.000 Yeah, you don't know about other kins?

01:18:56.000 No, I don't know what that is.

01:18:58.000 Oh, there's people that think they're a fox.

01:18:59.000 They identify with foxes.

01:19:01.000 No.

01:19:01.000 Like, I'm an elf kin.

01:19:03.000 No.

01:19:03.000 People think they're fairies.

01:19:05.000 No.

01:19:05.000 I'm a wood elf.

01:19:07.000 No.

01:19:07.000 I'm other kin.

01:19:08.000 People think that there's supposed to be something else.

01:19:11.000 They're like a person, but really they're an animal that's trapped in a person's body. 1.00

01:19:16.000 No, they're just crazy. 0.99

01:19:17.000 Are they? 1.00

01:19:18.000 Here we go.

01:19:18.000 This lady.

01:19:19.000 When people ask me, how does it feel to be a cat?

01:19:21.000 I'm like, how does it feel to be a human?

01:19:24.000 Oh, that's rational. 1.00

01:19:25.000 Whoever your dad is, hey, dude, who's her dad, fuck you. 1.00

01:19:31.000 Look what you did to the world, you asshole. 1.00

01:19:33.000 You let this girl loose and think she's a cat. 1.00

01:19:36.000 Yeah, no, that's when you have a...

01:19:38.000 That's definitely a mental issue.

01:19:42.000 Uh-huh.

01:19:43.000 Uh-huh! 0.80

01:19:43.000 For sure. 0.80

01:19:44.000 Like Rachel Dolezal? 0.87

01:19:46.000 Yeah, she's one of my favorites.

01:19:47.000 Did you watch her documentary?

01:19:48.000 Oh, I'm obsessed with her.

01:19:49.000 I couldn't.

01:19:50.000 It was boring, right?

01:19:51.000 Was it just me?

01:19:51.000 I felt sad.

01:19:51.000 I didn't watch it.

01:19:52.000 I wanted to watch it.

01:19:53.000 It was just boring.

01:19:54.000 I felt sad.

01:19:54.000 She's going crazy.

01:19:56.000 She owes money.

01:19:57.000 She's in debt. 0.89

01:19:58.000 She's got kids. 1.00

01:19:59.000 I feel bad for the kids.

01:20:00.000 Yeah.

01:20:01.000 But who is this dude that she's with?

01:20:03.000 Who is this dude that she just had a baby not that long ago? 1.00

01:20:05.000 Some guy who likes pussy. 1.00

01:20:07.000 See? 1.00

01:20:08.000 Y'all just get on my nerves.

01:20:10.000 We're all the same?

01:20:12.000 Yes!

01:20:12.000 How are we all the same?

01:20:13.000 Because you just have sex with anything. 0.91

01:20:15.000 Well, if it's anything or nothing... 0.94

01:20:19.000 That dude could have got it from somewhere else.

01:20:21.000 He didn't have to.

01:20:22.000 Could he have really? 1.00

01:20:22.000 If he fucked her? 1.00

01:20:23.000 Could he have really? 1.00

01:20:24.000 Probably.

01:20:25.000 Did he have the pick of the litter?

01:20:26.000 Did he really? 1.00

01:20:27.000 I know dudes who are unattractive, poor, sleeping on someone else's couch and they're still getting vagina. 1.00

01:20:34.000 So, yes. 1.00

01:20:35.000 Wow.

01:20:35.000 They must be good talkers.

01:20:36.000 Yeah.

01:20:36.000 Women don't have standards anymore.

01:20:39.000 You do.

01:20:39.000 I do.

01:20:40.000 Because my parents loved me.

01:20:43.000 How many times?

01:20:44.000 That's going to be the name of my first special.

01:20:47.000 Actually, no, the name of my first special is not going to be I'm a very busy man.

01:20:50.000 This book will not be that good because my parents loved me.

01:20:54.000 The special ain't gonna be funny because my parents loved me.

01:20:57.000 I just finished everything because my parents loved me.

01:20:59.000 But you are very funny, so that doesn't work.

01:21:03.000 But you know what you're not?

01:21:05.000 You're not crazy, ambitious to the point where you're willing to step, walk on people's backs.

01:21:11.000 I'm not a sociopath. 0.99

01:21:12.000 Cut people. 0.58

01:21:13.000 Because my parents loved me.

01:21:14.000 That's where that comes from.

01:21:17.000 You know, that narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy comes from some type of neglect or abuse in childhood.

01:21:24.000 Yes, I agree.

01:21:24.000 And this industry attracts a lot of that.

01:21:27.000 Oh, yeah.

01:21:28.000 You know, people attention starved and they just want fame.

01:21:31.000 So you have the people who...

01:21:32.000 There's two types of people in this industry.

01:21:33.000 You got the people who really just love the craft of it.

01:21:36.000 They really are great actors or great comics, writers. 0.94

01:21:40.000 And then you have the kind that just want to be famous, who don't give a crap about, you know... 0.95

01:21:44.000 Right.

01:21:44.000 What it takes to actually, you know, hone that skill and become the best at that.

01:21:48.000 They just want fame.

01:21:49.000 And some of them pretend to be the other thing.

01:21:51.000 Absolutely.

01:21:51.000 Yeah.

01:21:52.000 Absolutely.

01:21:53.000 Yeah.

01:21:54.000 I mean, it's crazy people everywhere.

01:21:55.000 Yeah.

01:21:56.000 Some of them, like, pretend to be comics.

01:21:58.000 Like, they pretend to be interested in the craft of comedy.

01:22:01.000 I know.

01:22:02.000 And you know what?

01:22:02.000 When it gets really weird?

01:22:03.000 When they become famous.

01:22:04.000 And then you see.

01:22:05.000 It happens all the time.

01:22:06.000 Yeah.

01:22:06.000 You see that they don't...

01:22:08.000 This is an actor.

01:22:08.000 They were acting like they were a comedian.

01:22:10.000 Yeah.

01:22:10.000 They're not really a comic.

01:22:12.000 Yeah.

01:22:12.000 But then we let them get stage time.

01:22:15.000 Well, it's not we.

01:22:17.000 You and I don't have anything to do with anybody getting stage time.

01:22:21.000 Yeah.

01:22:21.000 No, I know.

01:22:22.000 But it's frustrating.

01:22:23.000 So why did you get into it?

01:22:24.000 I believe my pain when I was a kid was just feeling like I didn't fit in.

01:22:30.000 Like out there when you were telling me, you're not black. 1.00

01:22:32.000 No. 0.91

01:22:33.000 Like, that was my pain, because I am black.

01:22:35.000 And so I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere.

01:22:38.000 Well, you are a certain percentage African-American.

01:22:42.000 Both of my parents are black.

01:22:44.000 So someone was white.

01:22:46.000 Well, yeah, no, somewhere along the line.

01:22:48.000 But there's mixes.

01:22:49.000 There's black, Native American, and there's white.

01:22:51.000 But yeah, if you saw my family, you'd be like, there's no white people in this family. 1.00

01:22:55.000 If you saw my family, you'd be like, somebody somewhere along the line fucked a chimp. 1.00

01:22:59.000 A chimp? 1.00

01:23:00.000 Somebody fucked a chimp. 1.00

01:23:01.000 Why? 1.00

01:23:01.000 Somebody when they shouldn't have. 1.00

01:23:02.000 You know, I think this is what I think about my family.

01:23:05.000 There's bestiality in your...

01:23:06.000 Just Italians in general. 0.83

01:23:07.000 I feel like, you know how people evolve from apes?

01:23:11.000 I don't believe that.

01:23:12.000 You don't believe that?

01:23:12.000 I think somewhere along the line, somebody went back when they shouldn't have.

01:23:17.000 Somebody went back.

01:23:17.000 Hilarious.

01:23:18.000 They were like, well, you know, it wasn't so bad when we were fucking these apes over here. 1.00

01:23:20.000 Just get one last shot at that monkey. 0.99

01:23:23.000 She wasn't talking back to me. 0.81

01:23:25.000 She never burned my meatloaf.

01:23:27.000 I gave her a banana, that's all she wanted. 0.91

01:23:30.000 She would let me stick stuff wherever I wanted to stick stuff.

01:23:36.000 She was warm to cuddle with in the winter months.

01:23:39.000 Well, everyone's African. 0.99

01:23:41.000 Every single human, if you trace them all the way back. 1.00

01:23:44.000 That 23andMe shit, I just did it. 0.99

01:23:46.000 I don't know, I'm waiting. 1.00

01:23:48.000 I have to wait a couple more weeks.

01:23:49.000 I'm very excited.

01:23:50.000 You sound scared.

01:23:51.000 Uh, nah.

01:23:52.000 What could it be?

01:23:53.000 I'm supposed to be mostly Italian and I have like a quarter Irish in me.

01:23:58.000 That's what it's supposed to be.

01:23:59.000 That sounds about right.

01:24:00.000 Let's see if anybody was sneaking around.

01:24:04.000 In my DNA. If maybe a German got in the mix, or an African, or a Moroccan, or who knows?

01:24:12.000 Who knows who got in the mix back in the day?

01:24:14.000 Hilarious.

01:24:15.000 I don't think I'm going to do one of those.

01:24:17.000 I don't want to know.

01:24:18.000 If I find out I'm whiter than I am, I'll just walk into traffic.

01:24:22.000 Your skin's lighter than mine.

01:24:24.000 No, I know, but so what?

01:24:26.000 Okay, don't get defensive.

01:24:27.000 Jesus, Candace! 0.98

01:24:28.000 Settle down! 0.98

01:24:31.000 It's crazy because like you have like me and my sister, we were from the same parents, but she had a completely different childhood than me because no one ever questioned.

01:24:39.000 She never got her hair pulled by like darker skin black girls, whereas I did. 1.00

01:24:42.000 Why?

01:24:43.000 Why did she not get her hair? 0.94

01:24:44.000 She's darker than me and her hair is kinkier. 0.99

01:24:46.000 So just she just came out different.

01:24:48.000 She came out brown.

01:24:49.000 Hmm.

01:24:50.000 So that's where my pain came from.

01:24:53.000 I felt like I didn't fit in.

01:24:56.000 So you felt like...

01:24:58.000 So your comedy is sort of like you had a personality that was kind of compensating for not fitting in.

01:25:04.000 Yeah, I started being funny because I felt like that could distract people from...

01:25:09.000 I want them to like me and accept me.

01:25:11.000 So the one thing that everyone can agree on is that we like jokes and we like laughing.

01:25:15.000 So I became like a class clown and just would...

01:25:17.000 I was like, oh, people like me now and I don't have to worry about them wondering what I am and trying to put me in a box.

01:25:23.000 I was like, I'm the funny one.

01:25:24.000 That's all that matters.

01:25:25.000 Oh.

01:25:25.000 Yeah.

01:25:26.000 Interesting.

01:25:27.000 Mm-hmm.

01:25:28.000 But my pain is not like, you know...

01:25:29.000 It's a mild pain.

01:25:30.000 It's a mild pain.

01:25:31.000 That's exactly how I describe it because a lot of comics are like, oh, I was molested by my father or somebody.

01:25:36.000 And it's like, oh, that's awful.

01:25:37.000 I'm sorry to hear that.

01:25:38.000 But that makes sense.

01:25:39.000 But yeah, people always come to me and they're like...

01:25:42.000 You're not addicted to anything.

01:25:44.000 You don't have any vices and you weren't touched by an uncle.

01:25:47.000 So why are you funny?

01:25:49.000 And I was like, well, that's why I got funny.

01:25:53.000 And again, it was mild.

01:25:54.000 When you first got on stage, were you working?

01:25:57.000 What were you doing for a living?

01:25:59.000 Yes.

01:25:59.000 First got on stage, I did have a day job.

01:26:02.000 At that time, I was working...

01:26:05.000 Oh my God.

01:26:07.000 I've had a few jobs.

01:26:08.000 At one point, I was working at Sylvan Learning Center.

01:26:10.000 And at one point, I was working at...

01:26:12.000 So you were doing tutoring?

01:26:13.000 I was a center director for Sylvan Learning Center at one point.

01:26:18.000 So I was in charge of that facility.

01:26:22.000 I was in Glendale, and I was also in Santa Clarita.

01:26:26.000 Yeah, but I was an assistant director at the Glendale, and I was a full-on center director at Santa Clarita.

01:26:33.000 But then after that, I also worked at a nail salon.

01:26:36.000 I worked at a Vietnamese nail salon for a minute at the front desk.

01:26:40.000 Yeah, I worked in Toluca Lake at a place called Oasis Nail Spa.

01:26:43.000 Shout out to all my Vietnamese nail technicians who still work there.

01:26:48.000 They were very nice.

01:26:49.000 It's right next to Bob's Big Boy.

01:26:51.000 I used to work there.

01:26:52.000 I actually met a lot of people working there because it's by the studio.

01:26:55.000 So like George Lopez would come in there.

01:26:57.000 George Lopez because his nails did?

01:26:59.000 His whole...

01:27:00.000 Well, when he was still married, him and his wife and his daughter would come in.

01:27:03.000 Yeah, so this was before...

01:27:03.000 And they would all get it done?

01:27:04.000 George would get his nails done?

01:27:05.000 I think he would drop them off.

01:27:07.000 I think that's what it was.

01:27:08.000 But you know who did come in and get his nails done?

01:27:10.000 David Alan Greer with his wife at the time.

01:27:13.000 They have since split as well.

01:27:14.000 That's a bad luck salon, huh? 1.00

01:27:15.000 Everyone that comes in there is married, gets divorced.

01:27:17.000 I think it's just showbiz.

01:27:18.000 I don't think it has to do with a salon or a restaurant.

01:27:21.000 Of course.

01:27:22.000 It's hard to be in a relationship.

01:27:24.000 You've managed to make it work.

01:27:25.000 It works.

01:27:26.000 You can make it work.

01:27:27.000 You can.

01:27:27.000 I think it just takes like...

01:27:28.000 But also, I think it's...

01:27:29.000 Depends on the type of people you are, too.

01:27:31.000 Yeah, 100%.

01:27:32.000 Are your parents still together?

01:27:36.000 My stepfather and my mother are still together.

01:27:39.000 They've been together since I was a little kid.

01:27:41.000 Oh, wow.

01:27:41.000 Okay.

01:27:41.000 Yeah.

01:27:42.000 So it's a successful relationship.

01:27:44.000 Yeah.

01:27:44.000 But it's one that started when I was five.

01:27:47.000 That's commitment.

01:27:48.000 But it works.

01:27:49.000 Yeah.

01:27:49.000 They're very friendly.

01:27:50.000 I mean, they're very happy with each other.

01:27:52.000 Very friendly to each other.

01:27:53.000 So I grew up around that.

01:27:55.000 Yeah.

01:27:55.000 They had a healthy relationship.

01:27:57.000 I saw a terrible relationship with my mother and my father.

01:28:00.000 Terrible.

01:28:01.000 Very briefly.

01:28:01.000 Violent.

01:28:02.000 Oh, wow.

01:28:03.000 Dangerous.

01:28:03.000 Not good.

01:28:04.000 Then left that.

01:28:06.000 And then when we moved in with my mother's parents, we lived there for a while and then we got an apartment.

01:28:13.000 After my mom had you know escaped from my dad and then when my mom met my stepdad It was a totally different relationship.

01:28:22.000 He's a hippie and he was like this really nice guy.

01:28:24.000 He's into crystals and stuff.

01:28:26.000 No, just he was just he was you know, he's an architect and he was just a different kind of guy.

01:28:32.000 Smoked pot, had long hair.

01:28:33.000 Yeah.

01:28:34.000 Just different kind of person.

01:28:35.000 Do you ever wonder about like how you would like what your personality would be like now if your mom had stayed with your dad like longer?

01:28:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:28:42.000 Yeah, that wouldn't have been good.

01:28:44.000 I would have been a dangerous person.

01:28:46.000 Yeah.

01:28:47.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:28:48.000 I don't have a tendency towards violence because I'm not a violent person in terms of my actual actions, but I understand it.

01:28:59.000 Right.

01:28:59.000 Like, it's there.

01:29:00.000 It's always there.

01:29:01.000 I just don't let it out of the box.

01:29:03.000 And that's why I got into fighting, and that's why...

01:29:05.000 So that you could vent.

01:29:06.000 Martial arts.

01:29:07.000 Yeah.

01:29:07.000 Oh, my God.

01:29:07.000 That changed my life.

01:29:08.000 I think for every boy, especially every boy that grew up.

01:29:12.000 I mean, obviously, situations could have been way worse than mine.

01:29:16.000 Mine wasn't the worst.

01:29:18.000 Nobody beat me.

01:29:19.000 It wasn't terrible in terms of, like, I didn't get abused.

01:29:24.000 Saw it and I saw a lot of I saw plenty of violence So it's like I knew it was a thing and if I grew up around it would eventually start to affect me and I would have been a part of it right for sure and the problem is you mirror that you know like Guys who grow up with dads who beat their mom are way more likely to beat their wives or their girlfriends or you know Absolutely or maybe the opposite Maybe just hate it so much because you've seen it that you would never allow it right But I think

01:29:54.000 for young men, like having some sort of event, something, martial arts especially, because you could actually get out the violence where you purge it from your system.

01:30:06.000 You don't have to think about it anymore.

01:30:08.000 That's giant.

01:30:09.000 Is it really?

01:30:10.000 Because I have no idea what it's like to be a man.

01:30:12.000 You know, I don't.

01:30:14.000 I think I do have...

01:30:17.000 A decent amount of testosterone for a woman, because I was a tomboy when I was a little girl.

01:30:22.000 And I was never into dresses and stuff like that when I was younger.

01:30:26.000 I never envisioned getting married and having this huge wedding.

01:30:30.000 Those weren't my fantasies when I was a kid.

01:30:32.000 Whenever it was Halloween, I would dress up as a boy.

01:30:35.000 I would be like Count Dracula.

01:30:36.000 My sister would be a princess and I'd be like the Hulk.

01:30:41.000 So I've always been kind of like...

01:30:42.000 I've always gravitated towards a more masculine...

01:30:45.000 Even doing stand-up is a very masculine thing to do.

01:30:48.000 And maybe that's why I attract gay dudes, too.

01:30:50.000 But anyway, that's neither here nor there.

01:30:52.000 So is it hard?

01:30:54.000 Are you guys constantly...

01:30:56.000 Fighting the urge to be violent, because I don't know.

01:31:00.000 No, not constantly.

01:31:02.000 This is how I look at it.

01:31:04.000 This is kind of a weird way of looking at it, but this is the way I look at it.

01:31:07.000 I think that every man, every man who has a...

01:31:12.000 Functional endocrine system who has testosterone, has been involved in sports, who is fairly athletic.

01:31:18.000 There's violence in your head.

01:31:20.000 So if your head was a house, okay?

01:31:22.000 There's a room, there's a violence room.

01:31:24.000 Okay.

01:31:25.000 And you can open up that door. 0.99

01:31:26.000 If that door gets opened, crazy shit can happen. 0.97

01:31:29.000 Most of the time that door is closed. 0.99

01:31:31.000 But the more fucked up things that happen in your life, the more your house gets rocked, the more your foundation gets fucked up, the more your joists start to creak and move left and right, and things are off-center and off-plum, then that door opens way easier. 0.98

01:31:47.000 That door is leaking. 0.98

01:31:48.000 That door is like, there's gaps.

01:31:50.000 Like, you know, the framing is not so good.

01:31:53.000 Yeah, the hinges are loose. 0.96

01:31:55.000 And so for someone who's been around a lot of violence, like people who grew up in terrible neighborhoods, been involved in gang violence, that kind of shit, that door is always ready to pop open. 0.97

01:32:04.000 It's just always ready to open. 0.96

01:32:06.000 Whereas someone who grew up, like my friend Todd, one of the nicest guys, super sweet guy, I couldn't imagine him beating anybody up.

01:32:13.000 Because he just was loved.

01:32:15.000 Like maybe even too much.

01:32:16.000 Like it's all love.

01:32:17.000 So his door is locked up tight.

01:32:19.000 He would need to get the key from his mom.

01:32:21.000 If he's gonna get in there. 0.98

01:32:23.000 Whereas I have other friends, but if you fucking, if you brush up against that door too much, yeah. 0.97

01:32:28.000 Like Joey Diaz. 1.00

01:32:29.000 Joey Diaz, if you knock on that door when he's asleep, he'll fucking punch you in the head. 1.00

01:32:35.000 He'll punch you in the face. 1.00

01:32:37.000 There's violence ready to go. 0.94

01:32:40.000 And he doesn't do much, but if it happens, if the wrong thing happens, that door comes swinging open.

01:32:48.000 Right.

01:32:48.000 You know?

01:32:49.000 We don't teach kids how to deal with their emotions properly.

01:32:53.000 And I just...

01:32:54.000 Did you see the Mr. Rogers documentary?

01:32:56.000 No.

01:32:58.000 So good.

01:32:58.000 There's only so many things you could see.

01:33:00.000 Well, you could take your kids to see this.

01:33:01.000 I'm in the middle of watching that wild, wild country show.

01:33:03.000 Oh, I've already seen that.

01:33:05.000 How good is that show?

01:33:06.000 I love cults.

01:33:07.000 I love cults.

01:33:08.000 Yeah.

01:33:08.000 No.

01:33:09.000 It's...

01:33:10.000 Are all cults sex cults?

01:33:12.000 Of course.

01:33:13.000 If there's a dude involved...

01:33:14.000 I had a conversation... 1.00

01:33:16.000 What the fuck's the point in having a cult if you don't get some pussy? 1.00

01:33:19.000 I don't think my cult would be a sex cult. 1.00

01:33:21.000 Because you're a girl. 0.96

01:33:22.000 Yeah, no, I know.

01:33:23.000 What would your cult be?

01:33:24.000 When was the last time a girl ran a cult, by the way? 0.89

01:33:26.000 You might be the first.

01:33:27.000 Well, the chick, she was kind of running that. 1.00

01:33:29.000 The Rajneesh Purim. 1.00

01:33:31.000 On her own, that bitch is lost, okay? 1.00

01:33:34.000 Yeah, I guess so. 1.00

01:33:35.000 Yes.

01:33:36.000 But she was running stuff while she was there because that dude never left his room. 0.99

01:33:39.000 Yeah, but Sheila was only in power because of Homeboy. 1.00

01:33:43.000 What was his name?

01:33:43.000 Osho?

01:33:44.000 How do you say his name?

01:33:44.000 That's what he was called after.

01:33:46.000 Yeah.

01:33:48.000 Yeah, I don't remember what...

01:33:49.000 Whatever his name is.

01:33:50.000 Without him and his...

01:33:52.000 He had the look.

01:33:53.000 You got to have that look.

01:33:54.000 You got to have the look of the holy man, right?

01:33:56.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.87

01:33:56.000 You got to have the crazy beard. 0.87

01:33:58.000 Yeah, and the dead eyes. 0.90

01:33:58.000 And you have to... 0.90

01:33:59.000 Have to drive around in Bentleys and Rolls Royces.

01:34:02.000 That's what was crazy.

01:34:04.000 How many of these cars, these luxurious cars do you need?

01:34:08.000 Why do you need 22 of the same?

01:34:10.000 That's like, you have piss poor choices.

01:34:12.000 Yeah, no, I don't understand that at all.

01:34:13.000 What about try a Mercedes?

01:34:14.000 What'd you say?

01:34:15.000 Try a Mercedes.

01:34:16.000 You know, you got Rolls Royce.

01:34:17.000 Get something different.

01:34:18.000 It's very suspicious.

01:34:20.000 And my question is, when they're going into a cult, do they know it's a cult?

01:34:25.000 Or do they think it's literally like a legit religious organization that they're just joining?

01:34:30.000 They think it's a legit movement.

01:34:32.000 You know, like, what is a cult, right?

01:34:33.000 Because Christianity is often, by scholars, referred to as a cult.

01:34:37.000 Yeah.

01:34:37.000 You know, like, there's certain documentaries on Christianity that refer to it as the cult of Christianity.

01:34:42.000 Like, what a cult is is a group of people that follow an ideology.

01:34:45.000 They follow a certain way and pattern of being.

01:34:48.000 So, these people are doing that exact same thing. 0.98

01:34:52.000 Until someone from, like, the fucking FBI starts calling it a cult, like, you don't... 0.97

01:34:57.000 You don't really... 0.99

01:34:58.000 They're not self-aware of what it is.

01:35:01.000 I think a red flag would be as if, like... 1.00

01:35:04.000 Because, you know, as if your leader is fucking. 1.00

01:35:06.000 You know, like, that's... 1.00

01:35:09.000 That, to me, is a red flag, because if you look at religious organizations in general, the one thing that's frowned upon in all of them is too much sex, or any sex, really, any type of promiscuity.

01:35:21.000 And that's, I think, across the board with religions, just in general.

01:35:24.000 None of them are like, this is good.

01:35:26.000 They're like, you should have sex to procreate, and that's it, with the person that you're married to. 0.98

01:35:30.000 But with that, where they're like, this group sex, I think we might be in a cult. 0.99

01:35:35.000 Yeah.

01:35:35.000 You know, that's a huge red flag.

01:35:37.000 Yeah, as soon as the dude starts fucking everybody's wives. 1.00

01:35:40.000 Yeah, you're like, wait a second. 1.00

01:35:41.000 How come he gets to fuck my wife? 1.00

01:35:42.000 Well, he's got a direct line to Jesus, bro. 1.00

01:35:46.000 Like, oh, okay.

01:35:48.000 Alright.

01:35:49.000 Yeah.

01:35:50.000 Yeah, I wouldn't trust that.

01:35:51.000 That is the thing though, but that's the thing with men. 1.00

01:35:54.000 Like men, when they get into power, anytime a man runs a giant organization, has all these followers, and he gets to stand onto a stage out in this grassy field filled with people who are bowing to him, that guy's going to get his dick sucked. 1.00

01:36:09.000 Absolutely. 0.99

01:36:10.000 He's like, he's got beads on.

01:36:13.000 Yeah.

01:36:13.000 And everybody's like, Osho!

01:36:15.000 Osho!

01:36:17.000 Yes, come for a ride in my Rolls Royce. 0.82

01:36:19.000 Women throwing their panties at him. 0.92

01:36:21.000 You can drive Rolls Royce number 17. Come on for a ride.

01:36:27.000 So do you trust like Joel Osteen?

01:36:31.000 Trust him in what way?

01:36:33.000 Do you think he's like a man of his word?

01:36:35.000 I lent him a thousand dollars.

01:36:35.000 You're telling me he's not trusted?

01:36:37.000 No, I'm just kidding. 1.00

01:36:38.000 I was like, oh shit. 0.99

01:36:39.000 No, I wouldn't lend that guy any money. 1.00

01:36:41.000 That guy's rich as fuck. 1.00

01:36:43.000 Right. 0.99

01:36:43.000 I was like, he had a Kickstarter? 0.99

01:36:45.000 Well, he is absolutely an evangelist.

01:36:48.000 Because he's in that celebrity level.

01:36:50.000 He's an evangelist.

01:36:51.000 He's on TV. He's a shyster. 0.73

01:36:54.000 They're all shysters.

01:36:55.000 That's what they are.

01:36:56.000 He dresses real nice, he talks about Jesus, and he gets people excited, and they give him their money.

01:37:01.000 They give him their money. 0.98

01:37:03.000 That's what he wants, and he's got fucking millions of it. 0.99

01:37:05.000 You think he's getting panties thrown at him? 0.99

01:37:08.000 Didn't he just get divorced?

01:37:09.000 Did he?

01:37:10.000 Did he get divorced?

01:37:12.000 Google that. 1.00

01:37:12.000 He's probably getting some serious God-loving pussy. 1.00

01:37:16.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:37:17.000 What?

01:37:18.000 Yeah, he's got a direct line to go, Jesus said.

01:37:22.000 So blasphemous.

01:37:25.000 Tell me what Job said.

01:37:26.000 I'll tell you what Job said, baby.

01:37:27.000 Get over here. 0.99

01:37:28.000 Yeah.

01:37:29.000 Is that blasphemous?

01:37:30.000 No.

01:37:31.000 It's like, he's a leader.

01:37:32.000 You know what I mean?

01:37:34.000 As long as it's obvious, like, is a con bad if it's real obvious?

01:37:41.000 To his followers, he's not a con, though.

01:37:43.000 To us, it's like, duh.

01:37:46.000 Yeah.

01:37:46.000 But like you were talking about with the cults, when you're in it, it's like, I don't think they can see it.

01:37:50.000 But like Jim Baker.

01:37:51.000 Like people that follow Jim Baker.

01:37:53.000 That's a throwback.

01:37:53.000 Yeah.

01:37:53.000 He's still around.

01:37:54.000 Selling food for people that are scared the world's gonna end.

01:37:57.000 He sells buckets of food.

01:37:59.000 Tammy Faye died, right?

01:38:00.000 She died.

01:38:01.000 Poor Tammy Faye. 1.00

01:38:02.000 Long-suffering Tammy Faye.

01:38:04.000 She died from Diet Coke.

01:38:06.000 Diet Coke did her in.

01:38:07.000 Are you serious?

01:38:07.000 That's what they think.

01:38:08.000 She drank too much?

01:38:09.000 She drank it all day.

01:38:10.000 Every day.

01:38:10.000 Well, that stuff's addictive.

01:38:12.000 It is addictive.

01:38:13.000 There's something there.

01:38:14.000 There have been studies that have proven that whatever that artificial sweetener is that they put in there, it causes you.

01:38:20.000 You know what else is addictive?

01:38:22.000 Jesus.

01:38:23.000 Jesus? 1.00

01:38:23.000 And Jim Baker's dick. 1.00

01:38:25.000 Both those things are addictive. 1.00

01:38:29.000 Jim Baker was a perfect example, though. 1.00

01:38:31.000 If you're so fucking stupid, you buy into that guy's shit, you deserve to lose all of it. 1.00

01:38:36.000 I don't remember his stuff. 1.00

01:38:37.000 I remember them.

01:38:37.000 I remember growing up and watching sketches on Mad TV or whatever, where they would be making fun of...

01:38:42.000 Yes.

01:38:43.000 Do you remember Robert Tilden?

01:38:44.000 He's the guy that had his hair slicked back.

01:38:46.000 He's another late night guy.

01:38:47.000 He would talk in tongues.

01:38:48.000 He'd be on TV. The Lord is moving me to speech.

01:38:55.000 He would speak in tongues.

01:38:57.000 This is one thing he said.

01:38:59.000 I was listening to it. 0.99

01:39:00.000 I started fucking crying laughing. 1.00

01:39:01.000 He said, every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye. 1.00

01:39:06.000 No, he didn't say that.

01:39:07.000 Every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye. 1.00

01:39:16.000 Like that kind of shit. 1.00

01:39:18.000 That shit should totally be legal. 1.00

01:39:21.000 If you're so stupid, you're like, holy Satan, I smite thee. 1.00

01:39:26.000 And you pull out your checkbook. 1.00

01:39:27.000 I smite you, Satan. 0.99

01:39:29.000 You are fixing to get a shiner. 1.00

01:39:31.000 There he is.

01:39:32.000 Look at him.

01:39:32.000 He's got a speaking tongues here.

01:39:35.000 I don't remember this guy.

01:39:36.000 I shouldn't have said that.

01:39:39.000 Hilarious.

01:39:40.000 He's hilarious.

01:39:41.000 I'm the devil.

01:39:42.000 I shouldn't have said that. 0.92

01:39:44.000 Satan. 0.90

01:39:44.000 It's a lie of the devil. 0.90

01:39:45.000 I shouldn't have said that.

01:39:47.000 What is that?

01:39:49.000 That's just him.

01:39:50.000 He speaks in like tongues.

01:39:53.000 Is he really old looking now?

01:39:55.000 Was that him?

01:39:56.000 Is that him there? 1.00

01:39:58.000 Time's such a cruel bitch. 0.99

01:40:00.000 Even Robert Tilden went down with all his money. 0.98

01:40:01.000 But he's still alive, huh?

01:40:03.000 Probably.

01:40:06.000 What?

01:40:06.000 What are you woofing?

01:40:07.000 He's old as fuck now? 1.00

01:40:08.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

01:40:09.000 Is that what he looks like?

01:40:10.000 That's him?

01:40:10.000 That can't be the same guy.

01:40:11.000 That's not him.

01:40:12.000 It is him.

01:40:13.000 That wasn't even that long ago.

01:40:15.000 Wasn't that like...

01:40:15.000 What happened?

01:40:16.000 The 90s from when that video... 1.00

01:40:18.000 Boy, all that whiskey and pussy and coke. 1.00

01:40:22.000 Look at him. 1.00

01:40:22.000 He looks... 1.00

01:40:23.000 Just doing coke for Jesus.

01:40:25.000 No, no, no, no.

01:40:27.000 We done!

01:40:27.000 We wrapped!

01:40:28.000 We wrapped!

01:40:29.000 Gold underwear!

01:40:30.000 Woo! 0.99

01:40:31.000 He looks so untrustworthy.

01:40:32.000 Jumps in a private jet. 1.00

01:40:34.000 15 hookers in there waiting for him. 1.00

01:40:39.000 As soon as he touches down, they shoot the hookers. 1.00

01:40:43.000 You know too much! 1.00

01:40:45.000 Stop it.

01:40:46.000 Did they remix it?

01:40:47.000 Yeah, it's a remix of him speaking in tongues.

01:40:48.000 I miss remix.

01:40:49.000 Why aren't they remixing stuff anymore?

01:40:51.000 I know, right?

01:40:51.000 Remember like the bedroom intruder?

01:40:53.000 Yeah, I was just gonna say.

01:40:56.000 They're not doing that anymore.

01:40:57.000 I met that guy.

01:40:58.000 I met that guy.

01:40:59.000 He came to a UFC. Shut up. 1.00

01:41:01.000 He got paid, right? 1.00

01:41:02.000 Didn't he get paid?

01:41:03.000 They made like a million dollars off that song.

01:41:05.000 Yeah, he made some money.

01:41:05.000 Yeah, he made some money and Dana White brought him to a UFC. Because he was gay, right?

01:41:12.000 And then went to church and said he wasn't gay anymore. 0.86

01:41:15.000 Yeah, he was ashamed of being gay. 0.92

01:41:17.000 It was very sad because he was saying that he was ashamed of being gay and that the church was going to pray the gay away. 0.60

01:41:24.000 It was one of them deals.

01:41:26.000 That to me makes me so sad.

01:41:28.000 It does.

01:41:30.000 There's nothing wrong with being gay.

01:41:31.000 No. 1.00

01:41:32.000 And this idea that you could change someone from being gay is so fucking stupid. 1.00

01:41:37.000 It's like, just be gay, man. 1.00

01:41:39.000 Just be gay. 1.00

01:41:39.000 You're gay. 1.00

01:41:39.000 It's all right. 1.00

01:41:40.000 It's okay.

01:41:41.000 You just need better people around you to tell you you're okay.

01:41:44.000 To tell you that they love you.

01:41:46.000 Yeah.

01:41:46.000 And that it's okay to be gay.

01:41:47.000 And just find other gay people. 0.88

01:41:48.000 And you're like, oh, you're like me.

01:41:49.000 We're good.

01:41:50.000 Yeah, you're good.

01:41:51.000 You're fine.

01:41:51.000 You guys are going to be fine.

01:41:52.000 All you need to do is move to Atlanta. 0.99

01:41:55.000 Or anywhere else where there's gay people. 0.99

01:41:57.000 L.A. You know, find a gay scene. 1.00

01:41:59.000 They still be in the closet out here, too. 0.78

01:42:01.000 There's a lot of people in the closet out here.

01:42:02.000 I know.

01:42:02.000 And I don't get it.

01:42:04.000 There's people in show business that I know that are in the closet.

01:42:06.000 I know. 1.00

01:42:06.000 I'm like, man, get out of that goddamn closet. 1.00

01:42:09.000 You have a new fan base. 1.00

01:42:10.000 A whole new fan base.

01:42:12.000 And then when you meet guys like Todd Glass, who did get out of the closet, who's so much happier now.

01:42:17.000 He's like, it's just a giant burden relieved off my back.

01:42:21.000 Like, yeah.

01:42:22.000 Yeah.

01:42:22.000 Be yourself, man.

01:42:24.000 And, you know, plus, the stigma is so...

01:42:29.000 It's bad for everybody. 0.95

01:42:30.000 It's bad for gay people. 1.00

01:42:32.000 It's bad for straight people because it's even bad for people who are homophobes because they don't realize how many people are really gay. 0.97

01:42:38.000 Right.

01:42:38.000 And if they did, they would probably be like, oh, maybe this is normal.

01:42:41.000 Yeah.

01:42:41.000 Like, it is normal.

01:42:42.000 Yes.

01:42:43.000 From the beginning of time. 0.99

01:42:44.000 It's no different than having blue eyes or black hair or whatever the fuck it is. 1.00

01:42:48.000 Animals are gay. 1.00

01:42:48.000 Yes. 1.00

01:42:49.000 Trust me, my dog's gay as fuck. 1.00

01:42:51.000 Really? 1.00

01:42:51.000 Yeah, he licks my other dog's dick. 1.00

01:42:53.000 Every time my... 1.00

01:42:54.000 Poor Marshall. 0.60

01:42:55.000 I'm throwing him under the bus.

01:42:56.000 Maybe Marshall's into it.

01:42:58.000 You don't know?

01:42:58.000 Well, Johnny Cash, my Mastiff, he'll take a leak.

01:43:02.000 Marshall will come over and lick his dick right after he takes a leak. 1.00

01:43:05.000 I'm like, Marshall, get the fuck away from his dick, man. 1.00

01:43:08.000 Stop doing that, dude. 1.00

01:43:10.000 So depressing.

01:43:11.000 Gets right up in there instantly.

01:43:13.000 He loves it.

01:43:14.000 How many dogs do you have?

01:43:15.000 Three.

01:43:16.000 Two of them are on death's door, though.

01:43:18.000 They're very, very old.

01:43:20.000 They're ready to go.

01:43:21.000 Would you recommend getting a dog?

01:43:22.000 I love dogs.

01:43:23.000 I love them, too.

01:43:24.000 I've never not had dogs.

01:43:25.000 It's just a lot of work, I know.

01:43:26.000 I've had dogs since I had enough money to have dogs.

01:43:29.000 The moment when I moved to LA and I had a sitcom, I'm like, okay, I can pay my rent, I'm getting a dog.

01:43:34.000 Yeah.

01:43:34.000 I love dogs.

01:43:35.000 I just want to make sure that I'd be able to have, like, I don't want to have to burden somebody when I go out of town.

01:43:40.000 Well, they have dog sitter places.

01:43:41.000 They have places where you can go that are really good.

01:43:43.000 Right.

01:43:43.000 They'll even train your dog while they have them.

01:43:46.000 I want one so bad.

01:43:47.000 Get a dog, girl. 1.00

01:43:48.000 I want one.

01:43:49.000 You look like you'd have a dog.

01:43:50.000 You look like you'd have a good dog.

01:43:51.000 You told me I had...

01:43:52.000 First of all, when I came here, you said, I look like I have a kid.

01:43:55.000 No, I thought you had a kid.

01:43:57.000 You know why I said it?

01:43:58.000 I think somebody brought it up.

01:44:00.000 Somebody said, Candace has a child. 0.97

01:44:02.000 I think someone said it was probably some girl hated on you.

01:44:05.000 Probably.

01:44:05.000 Throwing you under the bus.

01:44:07.000 Probably.

01:44:08.000 She's like, Candace has a kid at home.

01:44:09.000 And so...

01:44:13.000 Like it's something I should be ashamed of?

01:44:15.000 I don't even know where I got it from, but somebody brought it up.

01:44:18.000 That's why I asked you.

01:44:20.000 I don't know.

01:44:22.000 Do you have a kid?

01:44:23.000 I think you'd be very good at taking care of a dog.

01:44:25.000 What kind of dog would you get?

01:44:26.000 I like really small or really big.

01:44:28.000 But my place that I have, I have a nice size place, but I still would like to have property if I have a big dog.

01:44:34.000 So I would probably want a smaller one just for the sake of, you know, it's limited.

01:44:40.000 So I really do like pugs.

01:44:44.000 Are you friends with Whitney Cummings?

01:44:46.000 I'm not friends with her.

01:44:47.000 We've met, but I can't say we're friends.

01:44:49.000 Talk to her about dogs.

01:44:50.000 She's got a shitload of them. 1.00

01:44:51.000 That bitch has a horse. 1.00

01:44:53.000 Yeah, she's got a horse. 1.00

01:44:55.000 Well, wait, what do you mean she has, like, that...

01:44:57.000 She owns a horse.

01:44:58.000 No, I get the horse part.

01:45:00.000 But you said she has dogs.

01:45:01.000 Like, she would give me a dog?

01:45:02.000 No!

01:45:03.000 Look, she's... 1.00

01:45:04.000 I go to her...

01:45:05.000 I can take one of hers?

01:45:06.000 She's very smart.

01:45:07.000 And I go to her, talk to her about dog questions.

01:45:10.000 She gives you dog advice.

01:45:11.000 Oh, okay, I see what you're saying.

01:45:12.000 Like, how to deal with dogs.

01:45:12.000 Like, you know what she said?

01:45:13.000 She goes, first of all, she talks to you like this.

01:45:16.000 She goes, first of all...

01:45:16.000 Yeah.

01:45:17.000 I'm in charge of my house.

01:45:18.000 She goes, I don't walk around my dogs.

01:45:20.000 I walk through them.

01:45:21.000 She goes, I'm the alpha.

01:45:22.000 She goes, they don't get to get on top of me. 1.00

01:45:24.000 They don't climb on top of me.

01:45:26.000 They don't kiss my face.

01:45:27.000 She goes, I'm in control.

01:45:28.000 That's what I want.

01:45:28.000 I don't want dogs in my bed.

01:45:30.000 Yeah.

01:45:31.000 You don't have to have that.

01:45:32.000 Yeah, no, but I know so many people think I'm weird because I wouldn't want my dog in my bed.

01:45:35.000 There's Whitney's dogs.

01:45:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:45:36.000 Here she loves pits.

01:45:38.000 Yeah, she does.

01:45:38.000 Pits are great.

01:45:40.000 That's adorable.

01:45:41.000 Look at the one with the bow tie.

01:45:42.000 Adorable.

01:45:45.000 That's a cute little tiny one too.

01:45:47.000 What is that little one?

01:45:48.000 What is that?

01:45:49.000 Bulldog.

01:45:50.000 Aww, little bulldog.

01:45:52.000 Yeah, I like bulldogs.

01:45:54.000 I like French bulldogs.

01:45:56.000 But I'm also one of those ones that like those little tiny ones that probably annoy you.

01:46:00.000 I like Yorkies.

01:46:01.000 No, I like little dogs too.

01:46:02.000 Do you?

01:46:02.000 I like Yorkies.

01:46:03.000 I like Pomeranians.

01:46:06.000 I just like dogs.

01:46:07.000 In general?

01:46:08.000 Yeah.

01:46:09.000 The only dogs I feel bad for are those bulldogs with those fat faces.

01:46:12.000 They can't walk and they can't breathe.

01:46:15.000 Pugs are like that too.

01:46:16.000 They have nasal problems.

01:46:18.000 But they're so cute. 1.00

01:46:19.000 What the fuck did you do to this goddamn dog? 1.00

01:46:20.000 Yeah, they look like I got punched in the face. 1.00

01:46:22.000 But they're so cute.

01:46:23.000 It's depressing.

01:46:24.000 It's from all the breeding, right?

01:46:25.000 Isn't that how they've got like, yeah.

01:46:27.000 Well, they've made them that way on purpose because they want their face to be flattened out.

01:46:30.000 So they've bred for that characteristic.

01:46:35.000 Yeah.

01:46:36.000 Get a dog, get a man. 1.00

01:46:38.000 Candice?

01:46:38.000 No, I'm not getting both.

01:46:40.000 No?

01:46:41.000 So if you get a man, then you get rid of the dog?

01:46:42.000 Getting the dog is more realistic for me than getting a man. 0.81

01:46:44.000 Well, if you get a dog, and then you have a man, you go, well, this is one too many things. 1.00

01:46:47.000 I've got to kill this dog. 1.00

01:46:49.000 Ew, I would kill the man first. 1.00

01:46:53.000 100%. 1.00

01:46:53.000 Damn. 1.00

01:46:54.000 That's dark. 0.99

01:46:57.000 Alright, Candice, we've got to wrap this up.

01:46:58.000 Anything else to say to the people?

01:47:01.000 Their first introduction to you?

01:47:02.000 On my first introduction?

01:47:04.000 I think this went well.

01:47:06.000 I think it went very well.

01:47:06.000 We're getting to know one another.

01:47:08.000 We talked about doing this for a while.

01:47:09.000 I'm glad we finally did it.

01:47:11.000 We did make it happen.

01:47:12.000 Now you're going to come and do my podcast, huh?

01:47:13.000 For sure.

01:47:14.000 And Candice, when are you at the Comedy Store?

01:47:15.000 Yeah.

01:47:15.000 When are you on the tour?

01:47:17.000 Where can people go see you stand up?

01:47:18.000 Just go to CandiceThompsonComedy.com.

01:47:20.000 I post all my dates.

01:47:22.000 I'm going to do JFL this year in Montreal.

01:47:24.000 Just for laughs.

01:47:24.000 If anyone's going to be in Canada.

01:47:26.000 Woo! 0.99

01:47:27.000 I believe on the 26th of July.

01:47:30.000 26th, 27th, 28th.

01:47:31.000 Are you doing the gala?

01:47:33.000 The gala?

01:47:34.000 Oh, no, I don't think I am.

01:47:36.000 That's the TV thing that they do, the giant.

01:47:39.000 Yeah, no, I don't.

01:47:40.000 It's very big in Montreal.

01:47:41.000 Yeah, no, I don't think I'm doing that.

01:47:43.000 Je parle français un peu.

01:47:45.000 All right.

01:47:46.000 Candace.

01:47:46.000 So yeah, CandaceThompsonComedy.com and Jokes by Candace on Twitter and Instagram.

01:47:50.000 All right.

01:47:51.000 Candace, thank you.

01:47:53.000 We did it.

01:47:53.000 Yay.

01:47:54.000 Yay! 0.99

01:47:55.000 Thanks, Rogan.

01:47:56.000 My pleasure.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 11, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1143 - Candice Thompson

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