The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1160 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:01.000 Fuck yes. 1.00

00:00:02.000 Dude, I love the video that Tommy made. 1.00

00:00:05.000 Oh, Tommy. 1.00

00:00:06.000 The fucking animation. 1.00

00:00:08.000 You gotta go check out Tommy's animation, that motherfucker. 1.00

00:00:11.000 Where is it at now? 0.99

00:00:13.000 Where can you get it?

00:00:13.000 We're live?

00:00:14.000 We're live.

00:00:15.000 Where can you get that animation?

00:00:17.000 I guarantee you on Tom's Instagram.

00:00:18.000 Is it available?

00:00:19.000 Dude, he paid for that.

00:00:20.000 I know he did.

00:00:21.000 He paid for that.

00:00:21.000 It's amazing.

00:00:22.000 It's amazing.

00:00:22.000 He showed it to me last night at the Ice House.

00:00:24.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.97

00:00:25.000 Whoever did that is really talented. 0.98

00:00:27.000 It's very funny stuff.

00:00:28.000 His fans are the most creative fans ever.

00:00:31.000 Dude, he's got fans in Indonesia who teach English to children, and all they do is teach them how to say, bird is fat. 0.99

00:00:41.000 And jeans.

00:00:42.000 And jeans.

00:00:43.000 Let's say jeans.

00:00:45.000 High and tight.

00:00:47.000 So strange.

00:00:48.000 He's got a weird niche.

00:00:50.000 Him and his wife together on that podcast. 0.98

00:00:52.000 It's a weird, silly show. 0.88

00:00:56.000 The six of us should go out to eat one night. 0.86

00:00:58.000 Because watching the two of them interact, it's just inside jokes between the two of them.

00:01:03.000 Always.

00:01:03.000 And it's so much fun to be.

00:01:05.000 They really are one of the funnest couples that I've ever befriended in my life.

00:01:08.000 It's weird that it works so good.

00:01:10.000 It's like every comedian couple, when they're two comedians, it's like a bomb.

00:01:16.000 You're just standing next to them, like, I gotta get out of here before this thing blows.

00:01:19.000 But with them, it just works.

00:01:22.000 It's so funny, too, because he's known me probably 15 years, and the other day we're hanging out, this is just me and him bullshitting, and he goes, He's got two kids.

00:01:32.000 Their house, you can tell they have two brand new kids. 0.93

00:01:35.000 Ellis is running around like a lunatic with a balloon running into walls. 0.96

00:01:37.000 The kid's a wrecking ball. 0.93

00:01:39.000 The other one's an infant, and he looks at me and goes, I can't believe you did this with no money. 1.00

00:01:44.000 I just had kids like, fuck it, it'll work out. 1.00

00:01:47.000 Wow. 1.00

00:01:48.000 Yeah, that's true, right?

00:01:49.000 How old were you when you first started having kids?

00:01:51.000 32, I think.

00:01:52.000 My daughter's 14. And how long into comedy were you then?

00:01:56.000 Oh, like, I started at 26, so eight years.

00:02:00.000 Wow.

00:02:01.000 Maybe.

00:02:01.000 Yeah, eight years, probably six years.

00:02:03.000 Someone could do the math better than me.

00:02:05.000 Yeah, so six years, and, like, that is not a good time as a comedian.

00:02:09.000 Six years in is rough.

00:02:11.000 I was featuring...

00:02:13.000 Georgia was born on like a Tuesday.

00:02:16.000 And we induced labor so that I could go feature for Dave Attell on Thursday.

00:02:21.000 Oh my god.

00:02:23.000 And I was so excited to work with Dave Attell.

00:02:25.000 I was almost as excited to work with Dave Attell as to have a kid.

00:02:30.000 Where were you working?

00:02:31.000 Miami.

00:02:32.000 I worked that stretch.

00:02:34.000 That was a terrible place to work. 1.00

00:02:36.000 Yeah, no shit! 1.00

00:02:40.000 Dude, I was just in Miami. 0.99

00:02:41.000 I was in Miami a few months ago, and I did that cell phone bag thing, because I did it before I filmed my Netflix special.

00:02:47.000 Yeah.

00:02:47.000 I did it for a while, where they'd have to put their phones in the bag, and then I stopped doing it.

00:02:51.000 It's complicated.

00:02:53.000 It's annoying.

00:02:53.000 It takes, especially when you're doing two shows, it's a giant space in between shows, but never have I seen a crowd.

00:02:59.000 Because to use your phone, you've got to get out of the arena, and then come back.

00:03:03.000 Everybody was just constantly going out.

00:03:06.000 They were constantly getting up.

00:03:08.000 I mean, it was just, it was like I was doing stand-up, not in front of people sitting down, but in front of people in a constant state of moving, sitting down, and getting up. 0.99

00:03:18.000 That's fucking insane. 0.97

00:03:19.000 They were just constantly moving. 0.99

00:03:21.000 Like, no place I've ever been.

00:03:22.000 They have zero attention span.

00:03:24.000 I've always said if you want to starve to death, open up a bookstore in Miami. 1.00

00:03:28.000 These motherfuckers, they just do coke and fuck each other and party. 1.00

00:03:33.000 Not everybody. 1.00

00:03:34.000 I know, I'm generalizing.

00:03:35.000 If you're like, bro, I read! 1.00

00:03:37.000 Billy Corbin loves fucking Miami. 0.99

00:03:39.000 Bro, so I started headlining. 0.99

00:03:43.000 Miami was one of the first clubs that let me headline because I had handled the room.

00:03:45.000 Just like, take a white guy. 0.87

00:03:47.000 Anyone.

00:03:48.000 Dude, I had the most crazy experiences I've ever had there.

00:03:53.000 One night, it's me...

00:03:56.000 In two other comics, I'm headlining, right?

00:03:58.000 It's Sunday night.

00:03:59.000 And I say to the manager, I said, it seems pretty rowdy.

00:04:02.000 Are they heckling her?

00:04:03.000 And then he's like, yeah, it's pretty bad.

00:04:04.000 There's gangbangers in the front row.

00:04:06.000 I was like, can we escort them out maybe?

00:04:08.000 And he goes, I think they have weapons.

00:04:09.000 I'm not comfortable with that.

00:04:11.000 I was like, so what are we going to do?

00:04:12.000 And he's like, I don't know.

00:04:13.000 Tried lightly, I guess.

00:04:15.000 Feature act goes up.

00:04:16.000 This is a 100% swear on my children to story.

00:04:19.000 Feature act goes up.

00:04:20.000 They destroy him.

00:04:21.000 He comes back.

00:04:21.000 Oh my god.

00:04:22.000 Thinning hair matted, sweaty to his head.

00:04:24.000 And he's like, it's not good.

00:04:27.000 So I go out and I do an old Dave Attell trick.

00:04:30.000 I mean, it's a comedy trick, but I watch Dave do it, where he would ask the audience a question that he had the joke for.

00:04:36.000 So he'd ask them the setup.

00:04:38.000 Hey, what's the best way to please your wife? 1.00

00:04:40.000 You know, and then he had the joke, what's the best way to give oral sex to your chick? 0.99

00:04:43.000 And the guy's like, and then the guy would tell his joke, and then obviously you have the better jokes, you wrote it. 0.99

00:04:47.000 You're like, oh, no, what you do is you put your lips around her entirely and go, oh!

00:04:50.000 And so I do that with these gangbangers for like 40, 35 minutes. 0.80

00:04:55.000 And it's killing.

00:04:56.000 The whole crowd's like, finally, we're all having fun.

00:04:58.000 I look off to the left, and all of a sudden, one of them, a darker guy named Ray, gets up on stage.

00:05:04.000 And he's like, yeah, on stage.

00:05:06.000 There's no stopping this.

00:05:07.000 With you.

00:05:07.000 With me.

00:05:08.000 He's like, there's a real motherfucker right here. 1.00

00:05:10.000 There's a real motherfucker. 1.00

00:05:11.000 You know a real motherfucker's getting the 305? 1.00

00:05:15.000 Pulls his pants down and shows his dick. 1.00

00:05:17.000 And it is massive. 1.00

00:05:19.000 Massive and dark.

00:05:21.000 Like, and everyone's silent.

00:05:23.000 I'm like, okay, Ray.

00:05:25.000 Thank you very much. 1.00

00:05:26.000 He's like, show yo shit, son. 0.99

00:05:27.000 I'm like, not now. 1.00

00:05:28.000 Show yo shit, son. 1.00

00:05:31.000 I was like, not gonna happen now. 1.00

00:05:33.000 Not gonna happen now.

00:05:34.000 I go, you know, you might want to leave.

00:05:35.000 I'm sure they're calling the cops.

00:05:36.000 And he's like, good looking out.

00:05:38.000 And he leaves, right?

00:05:41.000 So I'm like, I have nothing to say.

00:05:43.000 I have nothing to say.

00:05:44.000 I'm like, how do I follow that? 1.00

00:05:47.000 All of a sudden, lighter skin dude, face tattooed, dreadlocked, stands up real slow, and I'm like, oh my god, please save another dick. 1.00

00:05:53.000 Gets on stage and just goes, there's a real motherfucker. 1.00

00:05:56.000 You know a real motherfucker's getting the 305? 1.00

00:05:59.000 Pulls his pants down and he has an equally almost lighter two-tone dick. 1.00

00:06:04.000 Like a purple ring around the... 1.00

00:06:06.000 And the place is going bananas.

00:06:09.000 They're like, oh my god!

00:06:10.000 Oh my god!

00:06:10.000 I go, listen brother.

00:06:12.000 They've definitely called the cops now.

00:06:13.000 You definitely want to go catch up with Ray and get a ride home.

00:06:16.000 Thank you so much for the...

00:06:18.000 And he's like, good looking out.

00:06:21.000 Good looking out.

00:06:23.000 He gets off stage, right?

00:06:25.000 Joe, I swear on my children's lives.

00:06:28.000 I swear on my children's lives.

00:06:29.000 I believe you, man.

00:06:29.000 I worked there.

00:06:30.000 They're with a hairless albino.

00:06:33.000 Girl or guy?

00:06:34.000 Guy.

00:06:35.000 And I go, so funny, man. 1.00

00:06:37.000 The only dick I ever wanted to see was yours. 1.00

00:06:39.000 And the audience is quiet. 1.00

00:06:40.000 He slowly stands up, and everyone's like, no, please let it happen.

00:06:43.000 Gets on stage, drops his pants, and it is huge.

00:06:46.000 No hair.

00:06:47.000 It looks like a lighthouse.

00:06:48.000 Just...

00:06:49.000 I just drop the mic.

00:06:51.000 I go, that's my show!

00:06:51.000 And I just walk off stage.

00:06:53.000 Nice. 0.99

00:06:53.000 That club was fucking insane. 0.99

00:06:57.000 Insane. 1.00

00:06:58.000 You know what happened?

00:06:58.000 They started giving out free tickets.

00:07:00.000 Yeah.

00:07:00.000 And it just went off the charts.

00:07:01.000 No one was paying.

00:07:02.000 And it was all just young kids.

00:07:05.000 I remember I had a joke once where I said something about, I think, Oscar De La Hoya.

00:07:13.000 It was like a joke about boxing.

00:07:15.000 About taking a left hook from Oscar De La Hoya. 1.00

00:07:17.000 And someone yells out, Fuck him! 1.00

00:07:19.000 Fucking Fernando Vargas! 1.00

00:07:21.000 And then someone goes, fuck him! 1.00

00:07:22.000 Julio Cesar Chavez! 1.00

00:07:24.000 And they just start fucking debating about what... 0.98

00:07:27.000 I'm like, guys, this is a joke. 0.97

00:07:28.000 It has nothing to do with boxing, even. 0.99

00:07:30.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:07:31.000 But it turned into this, like, gigantic argument over, like, which Latino boxer is better. 1.00

00:07:38.000 Ugh. 0.96

00:07:39.000 Craziness.

00:07:39.000 I've never been to a club that was more out of control.

00:07:42.000 And I saw it get out of control.

00:07:44.000 Because when I first started working there, it was fine.

00:07:46.000 Yeah.

00:07:47.000 It was fine.

00:07:48.000 And then somewhere along the line, it just went to chaos.

00:07:51.000 They started doing just rowdier and rowdier acts.

00:07:55.000 They're getting more and more young kids.

00:07:57.000 And then sometimes you would go there and the whole audience would be like 18. Oh, yeah.

00:08:01.000 And not everyone spoke English.

00:08:03.000 That was another real problem in that club.

00:08:05.000 Dude, you never saw anybody kill. 1.00

00:08:07.000 Like, you see Diaz do Spanglish in front of those fucking people. 1.00

00:08:11.000 Oh, my. 1.00

00:08:13.000 Yeah, because he came up in that club.

00:08:14.000 Well, he was always there.

00:08:15.000 Yeah, I think him and Ricky, Ricky Cruz, all those guys had all worked that club and just were, I bet, Joey murdered.

00:08:25.000 I worked with Joey there a ton of times.

00:08:27.000 But, you know, Joey and I, we knew how to work together.

00:08:31.000 Like, it worked.

00:08:31.000 And I'm, you know, from doing the Comedy Storm so much, I'm just used to chaos.

00:08:37.000 You know, you get used to chaos.

00:08:38.000 I like chaos.

00:08:39.000 Yeah, it's fun!

00:08:40.000 It's fun sometimes, you know, as long as you're not filming a special.

00:08:45.000 But if it's just a show, it's just a show and it's chaos, it's fun.

00:08:49.000 That was my first taping in Philly.

00:08:51.000 Oh my god. 0.96

00:08:52.000 Philly's a wild ass place too, in a different way. 0.82

00:08:54.000 I called Tommy, he goes, that's why we taped two, brother. 0.80

00:08:57.000 Have good luck on the next one.

00:08:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:00.000 I tape four now.

00:09:01.000 I do four now.

00:09:03.000 Dude, that is genius.

00:09:04.000 It's a way to do it.

00:09:05.000 I really should do six.

00:09:07.000 Chappelle did nine.

00:09:08.000 It's the way to go.

00:09:10.000 It seems like it's not, but the thing is, you want to make it the most like a regular show.

00:09:15.000 But the ironic thing is, most of what I use, I use from the first show.

00:09:18.000 Because I'm so loose, because I know I have four shows.

00:09:21.000 It's different.

00:09:23.000 When you're filming one show...

00:09:26.000 I always remember seeing Bill Hicks' Relentless, which is the one he did in the UK. It's a big theater in the UK. With a duster and a cowboy hat.

00:09:37.000 Giant production. 0.99

00:09:38.000 He comes out to a Jimi Hendrix song and there's fire behind him and all this shit. 0.98

00:09:43.000 You could feel the tension. 0.96

00:09:46.000 He's got tension because he's got one shot at this.

00:09:49.000 He did a great job, but it was stiff.

00:09:52.000 It's just stiff.

00:09:54.000 I was dating this girl at the time.

00:09:55.000 She's very smart.

00:09:57.000 And I watched it with her, and she's like, he's interesting, but this is not funny.

00:10:03.000 And the way she said that, I was like, wow.

00:10:05.000 To me, I was a giant Bill Hicks fan.

00:10:07.000 I was hurt.

00:10:08.000 I wanted to argue with her, but I was like, I can't argue with her, because she's kind of right.

00:10:13.000 I didn't laugh.

00:10:15.000 I was such a fan that watching him was important to me.

00:10:19.000 I wanted to watch it, because I felt like he was a very important figure in comedy. 0.92

00:10:23.000 Even though Ari Shaffir shits on him, relentlessly. 0.98

00:10:25.000 But when I was watching him, I was thinking, she's right. 0.54

00:10:33.000 It's not really making me laugh at all.

00:10:35.000 But I know the material's well thought out, and it's very good.

00:10:41.000 But it's just, and I recognized it, it's like that one show thing.

00:10:45.000 You're filming one show, you got one shot in it.

00:10:47.000 See, I think because I come from a baseball sports background, I like having pressure on me.

00:10:54.000 I love that feeling of you got one shot.

00:10:56.000 So in Philly we did two, and the first one, it rained, the generator went out, and we had to hold the audience in the rain for an hour and a half.

00:11:04.000 Oh, jeez.

00:11:05.000 Jesus.

00:11:05.000 They lost their buzz, right?

00:11:07.000 They're soaking wet.

00:11:08.000 They finally come into the show.

00:11:10.000 In the show, they're trying to catch a buzz again, and it was a bad show.

00:11:15.000 Like, legit, I didn't even do well.

00:11:17.000 Like, I remember telling my buddy Tony, who produced it, I go, oh, I've had bad shows where, like, when you're moving, you accidentally stand on the mic, and you go to move, and then the mic moves away from your mouth.

00:11:25.000 And I did it. 0.97

00:11:27.000 I fucking did it in the show. 0.99

00:11:29.000 You willed it into existence. 0.99

00:11:30.000 I told my wife who was there, I go, if I flub a word, just write it down so I can pick it up clean in the second one.

00:11:36.000 She walked into the green room.

00:11:37.000 All my agents, all my managers, producers, with a notepad and goes, I don't even know where to start.

00:11:44.000 So I go, I got one more shot.

00:11:46.000 I got one shot.

00:11:47.000 And in my head, I have that high school Burt Kreischer.

00:11:51.000 Like, you said you like pressure. 1.00

00:11:53.000 Let's go, motherfucker. 1.00

00:11:54.000 You got one show. 1.00

00:11:55.000 Like, I'm getting chills talking about it, going, let's go. 0.95

00:11:57.000 You're not fucking up one word. 1.00

00:11:59.000 You're having the show of your fucking life. 0.99

00:12:00.000 My buddy Tony Hernandez, who produced it, comes over and he goes, let's get a coffee. 1.00

00:12:04.000 And back in high school, he'd have been like, pump a Coke?

00:12:06.000 But he's like, let's get a coffee.

00:12:07.000 We're grownups.

00:12:08.000 Had a coffee, went on.

00:12:09.000 And Joe, I swear to God, I'm...

00:12:13.000 The best show of my life.

00:12:14.000 The best show of my life to the point where I was like... 0.98

00:12:17.000 Even I fucked around a little bit on stage and I just kept it in the special. 0.98

00:12:21.000 I was like... 0.99

00:12:21.000 And I think if I did nine... 0.99

00:12:25.000 They'd be sloppy. 1.00

00:12:26.000 If I do two and I go, fuck, I got one shot. 1.00

00:12:29.000 I gotta get this tonight. 1.00

00:12:30.000 I see what you're saying.

00:12:31.000 I feel like you really go, this is important to me.

00:12:34.000 I mean, I'd love to do four.

00:12:35.000 I think, yeah, I think you can do as many as you want, honestly.

00:12:38.000 You know, it's just a matter of, like, that pressure of that second show, if the first show...

00:12:44.000 I think that's...

00:12:45.000 I was talking about this with Chuck Palahniuk yesterday.

00:12:49.000 Did I say his name right?

00:12:51.000 Did I? For sure?

00:12:53.000 Polonuk.

00:12:54.000 Polonuk? 0.98

00:12:54.000 Polonuk. 0.98

00:12:56.000 Like, terrible moments on stage, I think are like the best thing ever for your act. 1.00

00:13:01.000 Like eating shit. 0.99

00:13:02.000 Eating shit's the best thing ever for your act. 1.00

00:13:04.000 Because then you recover from that and you're like, ooh, I don't want to feel that again. 1.00

00:13:08.000 Ever.

00:13:08.000 That's a bad feeling, too.

00:13:10.000 It's the worst.

00:13:11.000 And you bounce back.

00:13:12.000 You figure out how to tighten everything up.

00:13:16.000 Just even a bad moment.

00:13:17.000 A joke that doesn't work.

00:13:19.000 But jokes that don't work.

00:13:20.000 I've got some new stuff, man, that is just not that good.

00:13:24.000 I've got some new stuff that's just like, it's in its infant stage where it's just like wobbling around.

00:13:30.000 Every now and then I'll catch it.

00:13:31.000 I'll catch it perfect.

00:13:33.000 Because I've only been doing some of them for like two or three shows.

00:13:36.000 So they're like wobbly.

00:13:38.000 I don't know where I'm going with them. 1.00

00:13:39.000 And I'm trying to figure it out on stage and fuck around with them. 0.99

00:13:42.000 That's like the whole purpose of doing all these shows. 0.99

00:13:44.000 In town especially.

00:13:46.000 But those haunt you in the ride home.

00:13:49.000 You're like...

00:13:53.000 That's why I'm grateful I work at the store.

00:13:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:57.000 Right before I did my special, my closing bit I do on the show, on the special, the closing bit, I sat with you for a fucking hour in the back room, because I took it up in the main room, following like D'Elia, and I just said, here we go.

00:14:10.000 And I, man, that club can really let you know where the silence is.

00:14:14.000 Yeah.

00:14:15.000 And you go, all right.

00:14:17.000 And then you're like, oh, I've been lazy.

00:14:19.000 I've been performing to fans who will give you the benefit of the doubt.

00:14:22.000 Who love you.

00:14:22.000 Yeah.

00:14:23.000 And they want you to succeed.

00:14:24.000 But when you do a Netflix special, you need it to be to put strangers need to like it.

00:14:29.000 That's the old Louis quote that I used to hang my hat on.

00:14:32.000 They were like, why don't you work at UCB? And he goes, anyone can make them laugh.

00:14:35.000 He was like, I'm famous.

00:14:37.000 If I go in, that's like making your friends laugh.

00:14:39.000 This is why I do The Road.

00:14:41.000 The art form is to make strangers laugh.

00:14:43.000 And I was like, yeah, it is to make strangers laugh.

00:14:46.000 Yeah, well, it's also, you don't want a delusional perspective.

00:14:51.000 And one thing that does happen to some comp, like, Stanhope lives by it.

00:14:54.000 Like, he's like, why would I go and do someone else's audience?

00:14:57.000 He goes, it took me 25 years to make my own audience.

00:15:01.000 I'm like, okay, I get it.

00:15:02.000 Yeah.

00:15:03.000 But I really feel like to develop material, to really do it right, you gotta do it in front of just regular people.

00:15:09.000 People that aren't necessarily there to see you.

00:15:11.000 And the beautiful thing about the store is if there's 15 people in the lineup, or 20 people in the lineup, whatever it is...

00:15:16.000 How many are there to see you?

00:15:18.000 10%?

00:15:19.000 30%?

00:15:19.000 20%?

00:15:21.000 Maybe they're there to see you and D'Elia and also Tom and also Christina.

00:15:27.000 They're just comedy fans.

00:15:28.000 They're not Burt Kreischer fans.

00:15:31.000 That's giant.

00:15:32.000 That's giant.

00:15:33.000 Because those guys that like develop like that...

00:15:35.000 I've seen a few people that develop an audience and that's all their audience.

00:15:39.000 And there's...

00:15:40.000 They just get real complacent, real lazy.

00:15:44.000 That's the...

00:15:45.000 I mean, I say lightly because there's some internet comics, meaning like YouTube people that do comedy now.

00:15:53.000 And some are good.

00:15:54.000 Some are good and some are developing.

00:15:55.000 I don't know.

00:15:56.000 I was saying that to be polite.

00:15:58.000 But that one guy got booed offstage in Montreal because he's been performing to fans.

00:16:02.000 Oh, well, here's the other thing about that guy.

00:16:05.000 That guy goes up on a show where there's all these other comedians on, and then at the end of his set says that comedy shouldn't be about preaching.

00:16:17.000 It should be about making people laugh, right?

00:16:19.000 It shouldn't be about...

00:16:21.000 Ethics or morals or values.

00:16:24.000 Sexuality or race. 0.79

00:16:26.000 It should be about making people laugh.

00:16:27.000 People pay to forget about that stuff. 1.00

00:16:29.000 Bitch, you are on stage not making people laugh. 1.00

00:16:34.000 That is what you're doing, you silly fuck. 1.00

00:16:37.000 It is one of the silliest things I've ever seen in my life. 1.00

00:16:40.000 It's like, this is, and he's essentially a beginning comic.

00:16:45.000 Open Mike, he's maybe been doing stand-up three years tops.

00:16:49.000 So he does like videos, and the videos are very popular.

00:16:51.000 And they're funny.

00:16:52.000 Yeah.

00:16:53.000 If you're from the South, they're really funny. 1.00

00:16:55.000 Unless someone's doing your shit, unless they're stealing or stealing from somebody else, just do your fucking act. 1.00

00:17:03.000 Unless something happened before you that's so egregious and ridiculous that you feel like you have to address it when you go on stage because it's just sitting in the room, and to just try to do... 1.00

00:17:12.000 Ever notice, you know, when you pick up your phone, if you just try to do that and everybody's like, what the fuck? 0.98

00:17:17.000 You're not gonna address what just happened? 0.97

00:17:18.000 Sometimes you have to address what just happened. 0.98

00:17:21.000 Sometimes someone will go on before you and just eat so much shit that you have to say something. 0.98

00:17:26.000 You have to say something. 0.99

00:17:28.000 You have to. 0.99

00:17:29.000 But what that guy did was ridiculous. 0.98

00:17:33.000 To tell someone what comedy is and what isn't, I had read an article about that this, I'm assuming she's a gay woman, wrote About trashing Hannah Gadsby. 1.00

00:17:43.000 And going, hey, we're gay and we're doing stand-up comedy.

00:17:46.000 We're not just preaching.

00:17:48.000 We're doing stand-up comedy, talking about our trauma.

00:17:49.000 And it's working.

00:17:50.000 You just don't see us.

00:17:51.000 So don't write us off and say comedy's dead because you don't see us.

00:17:54.000 I don't think Hannah Gadsby's saying comedy's dead.

00:17:57.000 I think journalists are saying comedy's dead.

00:17:59.000 And I think we're all buying into it.

00:18:01.000 Because these people who are writing these articles, they're not even in comedy.

00:18:04.000 They're just comedy fans or fans of her.

00:18:08.000 And what I think she did, and I've only seen part of it, I saw the whole thing.

00:18:12.000 I'll tell you right now.

00:18:12.000 She has one joke I like a lot.

00:18:15.000 Whatever she did is fine.

00:18:16.000 Here's the thing.

00:18:17.000 It's her artwork.

00:18:19.000 This is what she's doing.

00:18:20.000 It's fine.

00:18:21.000 If people enjoy it, that's great.

00:18:23.000 But the problem with comedy is that comedy is one category.

00:18:27.000 It's just comedy.

00:18:28.000 But comedy could be Cat Stevens.

00:18:31.000 It could be Guns N' Roses.

00:18:33.000 It could be the Ghetto Boys. 0.53

00:18:35.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:18:36.000 When you go to see music, there's very distinct genres.

00:18:40.000 There's just comedy.

00:18:41.000 Comedy is just comedy.

00:18:43.000 You could go see a folk singer, and what they're doing on stage, like really slow and quiet, is music. 0.96

00:18:50.000 But then you go to see fucking Led Zeppelin, and you go, okay, well that's music too? 0.99

00:18:55.000 How the fuck is that music too? 0.99

00:18:57.000 How is Motley Crue the same kind of thing as Cat Power? 0.98

00:19:01.000 How is that?

00:19:02.000 How are they the same?

00:19:04.000 Well, they are both music, just like we do comedy, and she's doing a version of comedy.

00:19:10.000 Some of it is really funny, and some of it is her just talking about stuff in a very serious way.

00:19:16.000 That's fine.

00:19:18.000 We're not against each other.

00:19:19.000 This is what's crazy.

00:19:20.000 Everybody's like, this is deconstructing comedy, and comedy's dead now.

00:19:23.000 What are you talking about?

00:19:25.000 That's crazy.

00:19:26.000 No, she's doing what she's doing. 0.97

00:19:27.000 If you enjoy it, and that's what you want to see more of, go see that.

00:19:30.000 Yeah, that's what she does. 1.00

00:19:32.000 That's great.

00:19:32.000 She has a great joke about unicorns that I giggle about once a week.

00:19:38.000 I'll tell her jokes, it's not on Netflix, you can see it.

00:19:41.000 When I was growing up, I knew more facts about unicorns than I did lesbians. 1.00

00:19:45.000 She goes, there are no facts about unicorns. 0.99

00:19:49.000 I was just like, that's a good fucking joke. 0.99

00:19:53.000 That is a good joke. 0.99

00:19:54.000 Yeah, I mean, that's her experience, right? 0.95

00:19:56.000 She's a lesbian. 1.00

00:19:56.000 It's hard out there for a pimp. 1.00

00:19:59.000 It is.

00:20:00.000 I get it.

00:20:02.000 I think people create unnecessary and artificial adversaries.

00:20:09.000 I really do.

00:20:10.000 And I think this is one of the ones that's going on right now in comedy.

00:20:13.000 And I see it all the time with this Nanette thing. 0.95

00:20:15.000 It's like, stop.

00:20:17.000 Stop with the art.

00:20:18.000 I mean, I fall into it too.

00:20:21.000 I buy into it too when I read some of these articles.

00:20:23.000 Like, comedy's not dead. 0.99

00:20:24.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.98

00:20:25.000 It doesn't make any sense. 1.00

00:20:26.000 You read the article and you start thinking she said it.

00:20:29.000 Exactly.

00:20:30.000 You're like, oh, she's telling us I can't do comedy anymore?

00:20:33.000 She didn't say it.

00:20:33.000 She just did something and someone interpreted it that way.

00:20:36.000 And if she says she can't do comedy anymore, that's fine too.

00:20:40.000 She could just do, like now she's famous, right?

00:20:42.000 She could just do one woman specials, or one person specials, or one entity specials. 0.84

00:20:47.000 How are we framing it now?

00:20:48.000 I wouldn't even say it, Joe.

00:20:49.000 Don't you say the gender?

00:20:50.000 I wouldn't even, I would be like, she does a thing. 0.91

00:20:53.000 Gender's off subject. 0.95

00:20:54.000 You can't, it's off limits.

00:20:57.000 Gender.

00:20:58.000 Can you imagine that?

00:20:59.000 Remember when you were a kid?

00:21:00.000 If somebody came up to you, one day, you're gonna have to ask someone whether they're a boy or a girl, and it's gonna be very delicate, and you're gonna have to ask them what their preferred pronouns are.

00:21:08.000 You'd be like, what?

00:21:10.000 Like, yeah, yeah, it's coming.

00:21:11.000 It's real soon, like within 10, 15 years, and then everyone's gonna be, there's gonna be a lot of ambiguity, ambiguity, that's a weird word, ambiguity.

00:21:21.000 How often do you say that word?

00:21:22.000 I'll say ambiguous, but how often do you say ambiguity?

00:21:25.000 I'd never have said it.

00:21:26.000 That's a weird one.

00:21:27.000 I stay away from a lot of big words.

00:21:30.000 Especially after coffee.

00:21:31.000 Ambiguity?

00:21:32.000 Yeah, but nobody would have ever anticipated that there would be debate about gender.

00:21:38.000 Oh, my daughters were outside of, like, one of the progressive bathrooms, where it's not men or women. 0.96

00:21:43.000 It's just a bathroom. 0.98

00:21:44.000 And my daughters saw her first dick that way, just pushed open a door, because it's no man or woman. 0.99

00:21:51.000 And then she's like, ah! 0.99

00:21:53.000 And I was like, what is the matter? 1.00

00:21:54.000 She goes, I just saw a man's penis. 1.00

00:21:56.000 I was like... 1.00

00:21:56.000 Why didn't the guy lock the door? 1.00

00:21:58.000 Sometimes you don't.

00:21:59.000 I've done it.

00:21:59.000 You walk in and you're not thinking and you just don't lock the door.

00:22:02.000 So was it at any sex bathroom or was it at any gender bathroom? 1.00

00:22:06.000 I don't know.

00:22:08.000 They have... 0.98

00:22:08.000 I don't fucking know. 0.98

00:22:10.000 You know what? 0.99

00:22:11.000 I was in a restaurant once and I was waiting for the bathroom. 0.99

00:22:14.000 It was a long fucking wait, man. 0.99

00:22:16.000 And finally the door opens and a chick comes out. 1.00

00:22:20.000 The men's room.

00:22:22.000 And she looked at me like...

00:22:23.000 Like, yeah, I was in the men's room. 1.00

00:22:26.000 Like, what if I was in the women's room taking a shit? 1.00

00:22:30.000 What if you were in there? 1.00

00:22:31.000 I've done that.

00:22:32.000 A big steamer.

00:22:33.000 I did that coming off of a plane from Atlanta.

00:22:36.000 You went to the women's room? 0.95

00:22:38.000 Ireland to Atlanta.

00:22:39.000 Boozing on the flight.

00:22:40.000 This was a while ago. 1.00

00:22:41.000 Headsets in, hoodie on, about to take a shit. 0.99

00:22:44.000 I'm like, it's creeping out my pants. 1.00

00:22:45.000 And I walk into the bathroom, start shitting. 0.98

00:22:47.000 Headsets still in listening to music. 0.96

00:22:49.000 Start sweating a little bit because it's hot in there.

00:22:51.000 Take the hoodie off, take the headsets out, and I hear women's voices, and I'm like, oh my god. 0.98

00:22:56.000 I'm shitting in the women's bathroom. 1.00

00:22:58.000 I did that at the comedy store once. 0.99

00:22:59.000 I took a leak in the women's room. 1.00

00:23:00.000 I didn't realize it when they put those new bathrooms in the side hallway.

00:23:03.000 Yeah.

00:23:04.000 Because for a while, it was like a men and women's bathroom, and then they opened up the men's bathroom over there.

00:23:10.000 And I walked in, and there was girls in there. 1.00

00:23:12.000 I'm like, yay!

00:23:13.000 It's crazy.

00:23:14.000 We're all in here together.

00:23:15.000 Bye.

00:23:19.000 Isn't it funny that you can be next to people?

00:23:22.000 Here's what's odd about it, right?

00:23:23.000 There's something implied because genitals are involved, right?

00:23:27.000 You could be standing next to those same people in an elevator, it would be fine.

00:23:31.000 Like, hi, how you guys doing?

00:23:33.000 Everything's fine.

00:23:33.000 But if you stand next to these same people in a bathroom, you're like, oh no.

00:23:37.000 Oh no.

00:23:38.000 Private parts.

00:23:39.000 Naughty parts. 0.94

00:23:39.000 Poopy peepee. 0.94

00:23:41.000 Yeah, you know like there's something dirty about even if everyone is just washing their hands close to each other in the sink It's like everyone's creeped out. 0.99

00:23:49.000 I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:23:50.000 The tension's so thick That's in a bathroom. 0.99

00:23:53.000 It's weird. 0.99

00:23:54.000 It's crazy that you can't just shit and piss in front of people No, you can't you can't see we grew up where you can shit in front of dudes like we used to shit in front of dudes like if if like I'm still kind of like this but like If me and you were talking, I'm like, hey, come in, I gotta take a shit. 0.99

00:24:08.000 I would have shat, and you would have stood there, and I would have finished telling you my story. 1.00

00:24:10.000 I bet Joey Diaz is that kind of guy, too. 1.00

00:24:12.000 Oh, Joey's taking horrible shits in front of me. 0.99

00:24:15.000 Yeah, I saw Ari do it online. 1.00

00:24:16.000 Do you remember that Jew Clam video?

00:24:18.000 Yeah, I was there.

00:24:19.000 Oh my god!

00:24:20.000 I remember seeing that. 1.00

00:24:21.000 I was on the road in a green room, and I saw someone's like, have you seen Ari's asshole? 0.99

00:24:26.000 And I was like, I have not. 1.00

00:24:28.000 Yeah, he had a hemorrhoid problem.

00:24:30.000 And that's to put it mildly.

00:24:34.000 He still has an emroid problem.

00:24:36.000 Does he still?

00:24:36.000 Dude, when we were in Atlanta, he was like, how much blood should be in a toilet after you go to the bathroom?

00:24:43.000 A lot.

00:24:45.000 But can you imagine Tom's face?

00:24:47.000 You know how Tom's so dry?

00:24:47.000 He's like, none.

00:24:49.000 None.

00:24:51.000 How much blood?

00:24:53.000 Don't put that up.

00:24:54.000 Don't put that up.

00:24:55.000 Don't put that up.

00:24:57.000 Don't put up.

00:24:57.000 I was just telling Jamie back, like before you got here, how important those videos were.

00:25:04.000 All the videos you shot with Red Band and Ari and Joey, the Joey Karate video, all the stuff you guys used to put online, that's so important to where you are today in my opinion.

00:25:14.000 What do you mean?

00:25:14.000 Man, I found that stuff.

00:25:17.000 When YouTube started blowing up, that stuff was in such heavy rotation for comics.

00:25:22.000 Like, you'd look for comics, and you were recognizable because of Fear Factor and news radio.

00:25:26.000 But I got to those videos, and I probably watched...

00:25:30.000 Every single one of the videos you guys shot, as did all of us, Tom did, all of us, just because it was the content we could find.

00:25:38.000 That's what we're talking about with Twitch.

00:25:40.000 It's like, get on Twitch now and start uploading content, because one day, someone will see it and go, oh, I know that guy.

00:25:46.000 And I really believe that you guys were so ahead of that curve, where people were like, I'm not...

00:25:53.000 I don't even know how to upload a video.

00:25:55.000 You guys had edited great content.

00:25:57.000 Heckler in Columbus.

00:25:59.000 Ari dealing with a heckler in D.C. The feminists arguing with you. 1.00

00:26:04.000 You choking that guy out in the store.

00:26:06.000 Those were videos where you're like, I'd watch them four or five times.

00:26:09.000 There was a lot of those.

00:26:10.000 What was really good about it was Red Band's editing.

00:26:13.000 He just doesn't like to do that, though.

00:26:15.000 It's too time-consuming, and he's too lazy.

00:26:17.000 He just doesn't like to do videos, but he's really talented.

00:26:20.000 His video editing skills...

00:26:22.000 Like, that Mencia video, that was part of why that video was so popular, because it's a long-ass video, but his editing skills were so good.

00:26:29.000 What was the music he played?

00:26:30.000 I forget.

00:26:33.000 The music was perfect.

00:26:35.000 Yeah, it was.

00:26:36.000 The whole thing was, you know, he's a really good editor. 0.65

00:26:41.000 He's really talented at it, but it's so time-consuming and it drives him nuts that he'd rather just fuck around and do podcasts and have a good time.

00:26:49.000 But when he was doing it, like when we were going on the road together and he was filming a lot of stuff and splicing things together and we'd make a video every couple months or something like that.

00:26:56.000 It was really fun. 0.98

00:26:57.000 It was an interesting experiment, you know, just to fuck around. 0.97

00:27:01.000 I got into, when I got into vlogging, Jamie was like right there when I started vlogging. 0.97

00:27:06.000 We were both found, Casey Neistat I think at the same time.

00:27:10.000 And I got really into vlogging, and I loved it, man.

00:27:12.000 I think I maybe did like 40 episodes, and it was just fun.

00:27:16.000 But then I started realizing it was cannibalizing my life to a point where I wasn't living an authentic life at all.

00:27:22.000 Right.

00:27:22.000 And I wasn't writing any material.

00:27:24.000 I was just shooting everything.

00:27:25.000 Everything was shot.

00:27:26.000 Like, if I saw you, I wouldn't be like, oh, cool.

00:27:28.000 I get to hang out with Joe.

00:27:29.000 I'd be like, oh, hey, guys, I'm with Joe.

00:27:31.000 Right, right.

00:27:33.000 That is the trap that the people fall into.

00:27:35.000 You know, I mean, if you look at some people's Instagram stories, you're like, what are you doing, man?

00:27:39.000 You have a million dots.

00:27:41.000 Your Instagram is like little tiny dots, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, like your whole day?

00:27:45.000 Your whole day you have just a phone in front of you?

00:27:47.000 What, do you just have like constant battery chargers and you're just constantly charging up your phone and filming video?

00:27:53.000 This is crazy.

00:27:54.000 I do it.

00:27:54.000 This is the way I look at Instagram.

00:27:55.000 I do it.

00:27:56.000 I'll do those stories aggressively if I'm running the triathlon, running a marathon, doing a big event.

00:28:01.000 And that's, I mean, not to, Tip the hat or whatever or tell you guys my business plan, but that's what I do like I like to do big things and then that's how my stories and then I'll fuck around on the weekend and I'll put up maybe like three stories a day five stories a day and I'll show you my life a little bit but for the most part I Like I try to I try to distance myself from it for two reasons number one it fucks with my eyesight Like if I'm on my phone a lot. 0.99

00:28:25.000 Oh, yeah, my eyes are fucked.

00:28:27.000 Yeah, and number two it does cannibalize your life and But what I want to do, I think the next level of this business is honestly going backwards and doing what you and Redband were doing with those videos, but getting yourself out of it and having a guy like Redband, 0.99

00:28:43.000 who that's his job.

00:28:44.000 It's hard though.

00:28:45.000 See, the thing is with a guy like Redband, that job is very hard to do.

00:28:51.000 Brian is uniquely talented at that.

00:28:54.000 You know, I think it's like his greatest talent.

00:28:56.000 He's really good at making videos.

00:28:58.000 But, like I said, he doesn't like to do it.

00:29:00.000 And a lot of people don't like to do it because it's time consuming.

00:29:03.000 So you could just take stuff and just, you know, cut it and paste it.

00:29:06.000 But he did more than that.

00:29:08.000 He had special effects and music and, you know, what he was doing was he was figuring out a way to make sometimes mundane situations interesting and interesting situations way more interesting.

00:29:20.000 Yeah.

00:29:21.000 It's hard to do.

00:29:43.000 Creating content...

00:29:44.000 What is your solo podcast?

00:29:45.000 Do you have a solo one as well?

00:29:46.000 Yeah, I do a solo podcast called...

00:29:48.000 Just talk to yourself?

00:29:48.000 No, it's called Open Tabs.

00:29:50.000 So I go through out on the weekend, like when I'm normally killing time looking on the internet, and I just leave all those tabs open on Safari, and then I go in and I just go through and close them and tell you what they are and show you the video I was watching. 0.98

00:30:02.000 It's a lot of videos of you and all my friends, because I watch all my friends do shit. 0.81

00:30:08.000 If Bill Burr kills on some interview, I show that. 0.94

00:30:12.000 A lot of them are the interviews you have with these guys like David Atiyah and Cam Haynes.

00:30:19.000 Cam Haynes is all those really inspirational guys.

00:30:23.000 I'll pull up videos of them, and then all of a sudden I'll get obsessed with flash floods.

00:30:29.000 Flash floods are scary.

00:30:30.000 Dude, there's this guy, no joke.

00:30:32.000 Like, I think I'm a good comic.

00:30:34.000 This guy's better at what he does, but he tracks flash floods.

00:30:37.000 And he's like, he's like on camera like, okay, I'm in this valley.

00:30:41.000 See this cloud over there?

00:30:42.000 It's raining over there.

00:30:43.000 It should be to us in 15 minutes.

00:30:44.000 All right?

00:30:45.000 We're going to stay with it.

00:30:45.000 And this guy finds a plot of land where the flash flood will run and he can chase it and almost...

00:30:50.000 Follow it, follow it, hop up on the bank, and then cut a corner and get in front of it again? 0.99

00:30:55.000 This guy's so good at fucking following flash floods. 0.63

00:30:57.000 There's this girl, this is what I find on the internet, because I get online, there's this girl, Kimmy Warner, okay? 0.99

00:31:03.000 This girl's the best.

00:31:04.000 I'm obsessed with spearfishing right now.

00:31:08.000 Spearfishing?

00:31:08.000 Never done it in my life.

00:31:11.000 Obsessed with spearfishing.

00:31:12.000 I watch spearfishing videos, Joe, maybe eight hours a day.

00:31:16.000 What?

00:31:17.000 Dude, when I'm in bed, and you know when you're killing time?

00:31:20.000 Kimmy Werner.

00:31:21.000 Pull up Kimmy Werner. 1.00

00:31:22.000 This woman is fucking amazing. 1.00

00:31:25.000 This is a picture of her swimming with a great white shark. 0.99

00:31:27.000 Dude, I've got a spearfishing woman coming on next week. 1.00

00:31:30.000 Who?

00:31:31.000 Valentin Thomas.

00:31:32.000 I don't know her. 0.99

00:31:33.000 I'm Googling the fuck out of her. 1.00

00:31:34.000 Google Valentin Thomas. 0.60

00:31:36.000 She's coming on next week.

00:31:38.000 She was a lawyer who quit her gig and became a very active and active on social media spearfishing woman.

00:31:49.000 Beautiful.

00:31:49.000 Where is she out of?

00:31:50.000 The Keys?

00:31:51.000 She's in Florida somewhere, I believe.

00:31:53.000 On the west coast of Florida is a big spearfishing community, shooting a lot of hoghead groupers. 1.00

00:31:58.000 By the way, this is the way I talk about something I've never fucking done. 0.95

00:32:00.000 We should do it. 0.95

00:32:02.000 I'm in.

00:32:03.000 Let's do it.

00:32:04.000 I want to go spearfishing.

00:32:05.000 Apparently, it's like hunting underwater.

00:32:06.000 Dude, And see, now, are you ready for this?

00:32:08.000 This is what is wrong with me, is that I've watched so much spearfishing, I'm going to talk about it intimately.

00:32:14.000 The thing about shooting out on the west coast of Florida is they use a lot of Hawaiian slings, alright? 1.00

00:32:18.000 Very different than the average spearfishing.

00:32:20.000 What's a Hawaiian sling?

00:32:21.000 I'm glad you asked, Joe.

00:32:26.000 It's just got two rubber bands, and you just go, and then you grab it.

00:32:29.000 Yeah, it's like a rubber band with a pointy stick.

00:32:31.000 But when Kimmy Werner goes, she's got string.

00:32:35.000 She'll shoot a tuna, and it'll take off, and she'll hold on and ride with it. 1.00

00:32:39.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:32:40.000 You ride the tuna.

00:32:41.000 I think it's just based on the depths of where you hunt. 0.99

00:32:44.000 So when you hunt over on the West Coast, and now I'm talking out of my ass. 0.99

00:32:47.000 Do not listen to anything I say. 0.99

00:32:49.000 But it's a lot of shallower shoots.

00:32:51.000 It's like 30 feet, a lot of reef shoots.

00:32:53.000 Out in Hawaii, Kimi Warner goes down to like 100 feet and chills.

00:32:57.000 Whoa.

00:32:58.000 And just chills.

00:32:59.000 100 feet is deep.

00:33:01.000 100 feet.

00:33:02.000 Me and you would be good in the Bahamas.

00:33:04.000 Yeah, Bahamas.

00:33:04.000 I could do Bahamas.

00:33:05.000 Six feet.

00:33:07.000 That's what I'm looking at.

00:33:08.000 Just over your head.

00:33:09.000 Where you can still sand?

00:33:11.000 Get down to nine if you're getting crazy.

00:33:13.000 Get down to nine, you can push off the bottom and pop back up again.

00:33:16.000 Bro, I'm obsessed with spearfishing.

00:33:18.000 It's such a cool way to live your life.

00:33:21.000 Aubrey's done a bunch of it.

00:33:23.000 I would love to try it.

00:33:24.000 It looks like fun.

00:33:26.000 She invited me, Valentin invited me to go next week, but I don't have the time.

00:33:30.000 She's going to go to San Diego.

00:33:31.000 They're going to go tuna spearfishing.

00:33:33.000 Yeah, in San Diego.

00:33:35.000 The Pacific Ocean spearfishing, I think, is a little bit of a sport sport.

00:33:40.000 Because you've got to really know how to hold your breath for a long time.

00:33:44.000 It's different?

00:33:44.000 I think so.

00:33:45.000 I think only because of depths.

00:33:48.000 Everything's pretty shallow out on the West Coast.

00:33:50.000 On the East Coast.

00:33:51.000 On the East Coast.

00:33:51.000 Everything's pretty shallow.

00:33:52.000 All the keys, you're doing like 15 feet.

00:33:56.000 15, 20 feet tops.

00:33:58.000 But on the West Coast, everything is a tad bit deeper.

00:34:02.000 At least from what I've been watching with Kimmy Warner. 0.98

00:34:04.000 Go to Kimmy Warner and there's a video of her, no shit, hanging out at 100 feet just with a spear just... 0.99

00:34:11.000 Just waiting? 1.00

00:34:12.000 Yeah, she's got four and a half minutes to kill. 0.99

00:34:13.000 Why not?

00:34:14.000 Four and a half minutes, she's holding her breath?

00:34:15.000 She can hold her breath.

00:34:16.000 Oh, so she's free diving. 0.94

00:34:17.000 No tanks.

00:34:18.000 No tanks.

00:34:19.000 Oh, Christ.

00:34:20.000 All free diving. 1.00

00:34:21.000 In like camouflage shit. 1.00

00:34:25.000 Not afraid of sharks. 1.00

00:34:26.000 Love sharks.

00:34:27.000 Well, you know what a hex suit is?

00:34:29.000 You ever heard of a hex suit?

00:34:30.000 Uh-uh.

00:34:30.000 They got this suit called H-E-C-S. It's like a suit that...

00:34:34.000 It's based on something.

00:34:37.000 I think it's called the Faraday cage.

00:34:40.000 And what it does is it hides your electrical signal and one of the things about fish is that fish apparently they read your electrical signal like the like you you can take a there's certain machines that like you could hover your hand over them and it'll register that an electrical signals coming off of your body But then when you put this hex suit on you run your hand over the same exact machine it shows nothing and Really?

00:35:05.000 Yeah.

00:35:06.000 So this suit is something that – it's very controversial in the hunting community because some people don't believe it really works because there's no real, clear, absolute studies that it works on animals, but there are clear studies that it shields your body's electrical signal.

00:35:21.000 But it works pretty unequivocally on fish.

00:35:25.000 On fish, it's crazy.

00:35:26.000 Pull up hex suit, H-E-C-S, suit, video, fish.

00:35:31.000 So you basically roll into the water like Predator?

00:35:34.000 Yeah, you put gloves on, you put a suit on, and they can't see you.

00:35:38.000 For whatever reason, you can get right up to them. 0.98

00:35:40.000 It's fucking weird, man. 0.99

00:35:43.000 Whoa! 0.99

00:35:43.000 Yeah, you can get right up to fish, right up to corals. 0.99

00:35:47.000 They get right up to coral reefs.

00:35:49.000 See, now, here's the thing.

00:35:51.000 I don't know how much of this would happen exactly the same way if this guy wasn't wearing this suit.

00:35:57.000 Because I don't really have that information.

00:36:00.000 Yeah. 0.94

00:36:00.000 But I do know that people that spearfish and people that are involved with underwater diving and shit, they swear by these things. 0.94

00:36:09.000 They say it absolutely works. 0.96

00:36:11.000 And they had it on Shark Week, too.

00:36:13.000 They were using it on Shark Week.

00:36:15.000 There's something about those suits.

00:36:17.000 Yeah.

00:36:18.000 I don't...

00:36:18.000 Yeah.

00:36:19.000 Ari and I were...

00:36:19.000 I was going to go out to the Great Barrier Reef with Ari.

00:36:23.000 If Tom was going out there at the same time, we're all three going to go dive at the Great Barrier Reef.

00:36:27.000 Whoa.

00:36:27.000 Do a liveaboard.

00:36:28.000 Ari and I actually have been talking back and forth about finding a place to do a liveaboard.

00:36:33.000 A liveaboard?

00:36:34.000 Yeah, like a boat.

00:36:35.000 Like a boat?

00:36:35.000 You can stay for like four days.

00:36:36.000 You do two dives a day. 1.00

00:36:38.000 Damn. 1.00

00:36:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:40.000 Wow.

00:36:41.000 Wow.

00:36:42.000 That's an adventure.

00:36:43.000 Ari's all about living life, and if I can fold that into my family and let my wife understand that, like, you know, once a quarter I gotta do something crazy, you know, then my wife's like, ah, she's cool with it. 1.00

00:36:54.000 We talked to, uh, what's the ultramarathon runner that you had on?

00:36:59.000 Courtney DeWalter?

00:37:00.000 Nope.

00:37:01.000 Zach Bitter.

00:37:02.000 Zach Bitter.

00:37:03.000 Zach Bitter, me, and Ari were gonna find an international marathon to do together.

00:37:08.000 Like, find an international really badass... 0.92

00:37:10.000 26 mile.

00:37:10.000 Yeah.

00:37:11.000 A regular mile.

00:37:11.000 Yeah.

00:37:12.000 Not like one of those ultras.

00:37:15.000 That's...

00:37:15.000 Breaking down your liver where you piss Diet Coke.

00:37:19.000 Man.

00:37:19.000 Yeah.

00:37:20.000 Let me tell you something.

00:37:21.000 I've always had respect for, like...

00:37:23.000 I've always had respect for Cam.

00:37:24.000 Never anything shy of that.

00:37:26.000 But when you run a marathon...

00:37:29.000 The respect you have for Cam Haynes and guys like David Goggins, it enters a new stratosphere.

00:37:34.000 Yeah, I can only imagine.

00:37:35.000 You're like, whoa. 0.99

00:37:36.000 Like when David Goggins says, embrace the hate, embrace the suck, just decide not to quit. 0.92

00:37:41.000 That's where my brain, when I went to that marathon, I was like, decide not to quit. 0.99

00:37:44.000 And at 22 miles, both my calves just seized up, my quads went into my legs, and the woman in front of me shit her pants. 1.00

00:37:49.000 And I was like... 0.99

00:37:50.000 You watched her shit her pants? 1.00

00:37:51.000 I watched her shit her pants. 1.00

00:37:52.000 A grown woman, like an executive, shit her pants, went down one leg and up her ass. 1.00

00:37:57.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:37:57.000 And I went... 1.00

00:37:59.000 Did she stop? 0.80

00:38:00.000 Nope.

00:38:00.000 She kept going.

00:38:01.000 Gangster.

00:38:02.000 How bad did it smell? 0.95

00:38:04.000 That's when I started running past her. 1.00

00:38:05.000 I was like, fuck this bitch. 1.00

00:38:07.000 I was like, please let her be an exec from FX or something. 1.00

00:38:10.000 Be like, oh, hey!

00:38:11.000 That would be hilarious.

00:38:13.000 But those guys...

00:38:14.000 I watch Cam's videos now of him running in the afternoon.

00:38:17.000 I think he's doing a marathon a day.

00:38:19.000 The speed he's running...

00:38:22.000 And the way he's talking as he's running is inspirational beyond measure.

00:38:27.000 From a guy like me where I go, I want to get there. 0.94

00:38:30.000 Like, I want to get, like, he's fucking, I can't, I mean, I can't put it into words. 0.99

00:38:37.000 Yeah, he's an animal. 0.99

00:38:38.000 And he works a full-time job.

00:38:39.000 That's what blows me away.

00:38:40.000 Are you not drinking?

00:38:42.000 No.

00:38:42.000 For how long?

00:38:43.000 I just haven't been.

00:38:44.000 For how long?

00:38:45.000 I mean, I will.

00:38:46.000 What about on stage?

00:38:48.000 No.

00:38:48.000 I mean, I'll take a drink with me at the end of the night.

00:38:50.000 When I tell the machine story on the second show, I'll have that drink.

00:38:54.000 That's it?

00:38:55.000 Yeah.

00:38:55.000 What's going on?

00:38:57.000 Nothing, man.

00:38:58.000 Cleaning it up?

00:38:58.000 No, I'm just, I don't know.

00:39:00.000 I don't know.

00:39:01.000 Growing up?

00:39:02.000 No, I know I still party, but like, yeah, like if I saw you at the store tonight, I still party and smoke, but I just, I don't know.

00:39:09.000 This is what sucks about being me, is like people who go, what's going on? 0.95

00:39:14.000 Are you sick? 0.94

00:39:14.000 Is something going on? 0.94

00:39:15.000 You're like, no, I'm also regular.

00:39:18.000 Yeah, it's fine.

00:39:19.000 Yeah.

00:39:19.000 Nothing wrong with that.

00:39:21.000 You know, I did the triathlon, and I didn't drink leading up to it.

00:39:26.000 And I did it, and I felt really good.

00:39:28.000 I just felt really good, and I thought...

00:39:30.000 And you know, when you have friends that...

00:39:34.000 I'm 45, and so you start seeing...

00:39:37.000 Friends that that lifestyle starts to affect in different ways.

00:39:40.000 You go, okay, I don't ever want to quit drinking.

00:39:43.000 I don't ever want to quit smoking weed.

00:39:44.000 I don't ever want to go with Ari and run a marathon and then not do mushrooms with him in Buenos Aires.

00:39:49.000 I want that to be a part of my life.

00:39:51.000 But I can't have that if I'm going at the pace I'm going at.

00:39:54.000 Like, I can't have both.

00:39:56.000 Well, you started to rely on your body a lot more.

00:39:59.000 What you're doing with all this running and these... 0.96

00:40:03.000 What was that one that you did where you had to do all the obstacle courses and shit? 0.96

00:40:07.000 Spartan Race. 0.97

00:40:09.000 Doing a triathlon.

00:40:10.000 You're relying on your body.

00:40:11.000 Yeah.

00:40:12.000 Part of your recreation now is relying on your endurance.

00:40:15.000 And when you're doing that and you're drinking at the same time, you're just shooting yourself in the foot.

00:40:20.000 Yeah.

00:40:21.000 I mean, I still, like I said, like we did the Spartan race and right after you sit up in the stands, everyone has some beers.

00:40:25.000 It's great.

00:40:26.000 Yeah, have a couple beers.

00:40:27.000 Yeah.

00:40:27.000 Maybe a hit of a vape pen and then you just go home and you get a good night's sleep.

00:40:31.000 But you're right.

00:40:32.000 I think for me, training for the triathlon was just, I couldn't do both.

00:40:37.000 I just was not be able to do both.

00:40:39.000 And then when I got done, I just, you know, I think a lot of, like I was thinking about last night, I didn't drink, I didn't drink last night, obviously.

00:40:47.000 And, um, And I was like, I was in the shower today.

00:40:51.000 I had a really hard time sleeping last night.

00:40:52.000 I was up all night.

00:40:53.000 I've just been doing a lot of press.

00:40:55.000 So I think you empty your serotonin because you're giving everyone everything.

00:40:59.000 And I was up all night with a little bit of panic attacks.

00:41:02.000 And I definitely would have drank last night.

00:41:05.000 When you get a panic attack, what does that mean?

00:41:07.000 Like what happens?

00:41:08.000 For me, you kind of get blinders on.

00:41:11.000 And for me personally, I will start saying the same phrase over and over in my head again.

00:41:16.000 Where I can't get it out.

00:41:17.000 Like what?

00:41:19.000 Like, uh...

00:41:20.000 Um...

00:41:25.000 Right?

00:41:25.000 Like my brain will go, satellite of love, satellite of love, satellite of love, satellite.

00:41:32.000 And then I'll start going, like last night, I had a phrase going through my head and I was like, fuck, is the alarm on? 0.98

00:41:38.000 Is the alarm on? 0.98

00:41:39.000 And I get up and I go check the alarm.

00:41:40.000 And then I get in bed and I go, I should make sure all the doors are locked.

00:41:43.000 And then I go check all the doors.

00:41:44.000 And then I get up and I go, did I lock the man cave?

00:41:46.000 I gotta get up and I lock the man cave.

00:41:48.000 Now, normally that's where I will start, like if I have a few drinks, that does not happen.

00:41:53.000 You know what's weird?

00:41:54.000 What?

00:41:54.000 Jamie was talking about this too.

00:41:56.000 It's at night.

00:41:58.000 Yeah.

00:41:58.000 At night when you get weirded out.

00:42:00.000 It's like when you're getting ready to shut off.

00:42:02.000 It's like, can I shut the body off yet?

00:42:04.000 Is everything cool?

00:42:06.000 I think meditation might help me.

00:42:08.000 Because I can't shut my brain off.

00:42:10.000 And then I'm like...

00:42:10.000 And then I go...

00:42:12.000 You should get a tank.

00:42:13.000 For your man cave.

00:42:15.000 Take up all of my man cave, Joe.

00:42:17.000 How big is your man cave?

00:42:18.000 It's like an office, right?

00:42:20.000 It's like half of this, probably.

00:42:21.000 You can fit a tank in there.

00:42:23.000 It would be really big in my man cave.

00:42:25.000 Yeah, it would be really big in there.

00:42:25.000 You could stuff it in there.

00:42:27.000 You don't have to get one that big.

00:42:29.000 They have a smaller one.

00:42:32.000 They have one that's like six by seven or four by seven?

00:42:37.000 Four by seven?

00:42:38.000 See, I would rather, probably I'd rather sauna.

00:42:41.000 I love those infrared saunas.

00:42:43.000 I love those.

00:42:44.000 Sauna's great too.

00:42:45.000 Yeah.

00:42:46.000 Yeah.

00:42:47.000 Yeah.

00:42:48.000 I was thinking about it this morning in the shower and I was like, you know what, man?

00:42:51.000 The Sober October we did was so helpful because I learned how to cope and go to bed with nothing.

00:42:57.000 Yeah.

00:42:58.000 And like with nothing.

00:42:59.000 No NyQuil, no nothing.

00:43:00.000 It was super helpful and then I learned little tricks like drinking on planes.

00:43:04.000 I still may have a few drinks before I get on a plane or a couple drinks on the plane, but the difference is if it's an early morning flight, I don't need a drink to get on the plane.

00:43:12.000 I don't need it.

00:43:13.000 I don't need it.

00:43:14.000 Right.

00:43:14.000 Of ways I just said, I just gotta do it.

00:43:17.000 You know?

00:43:17.000 It was helpful for me too.

00:43:19.000 You know what's really interesting?

00:43:21.000 It made me realize what's happening to your dreams when you're smoking pot all the time.

00:43:27.000 Because as soon as you stop smoking pot and then your dreams become super vivid.

00:43:31.000 Like, really vivid.

00:43:34.000 Like, excruciatingly vivid, strange, bizarre.

00:43:37.000 You're like, oh, what am I doing to myself with the weed all the time?

00:43:39.000 Yeah.

00:43:40.000 Like, that's probably not good for my dreams.

00:43:42.000 I want those dreams.

00:43:44.000 The vivid ones?

00:43:44.000 The crazy ones?

00:43:45.000 You should take Alpha Brain.

00:43:46.000 Dude, I told you.

00:43:47.000 Before you go to bed?

00:43:48.000 I took out my wife and made me stop. 1.00

00:43:51.000 Because I was a lunatic on Alpha Brain, because I could feel it really immediately.

00:43:56.000 If you take it before, like I take a double dose, so like if I'm like these packets, you're supposed to take one packet, I would take two of these packets.

00:44:04.000 With some water before I go to bed.

00:44:07.000 And then, you know, like maybe an hour before you go to bed. 0.99

00:44:09.000 And with no pot and alpha brain, you will have lucid, intense fucking dreams. 0.99

00:44:15.000 Like, they're intense. 1.00

00:44:16.000 And they're durable.

00:44:18.000 Like, you realize you're a dream and they don't wake up.

00:44:22.000 They get lucid, and you're in the middle of them.

00:44:25.000 You know, the way I describe lucid dreams, lucid dreams are like a delicate bubble that a kid would blow, and you can kind of almost catch it on your hand, and then pop, it pops.

00:44:35.000 These were like basketballs.

00:44:38.000 They weren't popping.

00:44:39.000 I could be in the middle of the dream like, oh, I'm in a dream.

00:44:41.000 Okay, now we're in a dream.

00:44:43.000 Let's just keep going.

00:44:44.000 And it wouldn't knock me out of the dream by recognizing that I was in a dream, which ordinarily would immediately do it.

00:44:51.000 Ordinarily, I'd be like, oh my god, I'm dreaming.

00:44:53.000 Oh, I'm waking up.

00:44:54.000 And then you just wake up.

00:44:56.000 I could keep myself in that lucid dream state for a long time. 0.99

00:44:59.000 I lucid dream naturally, and I have fucking... 0.89

00:45:02.000 I mean, I sold a show to Comedy Central based on my dreams. 0.99

00:45:07.000 I have fucking insane dreams. 0.99

00:45:08.000 You should try... 0.99

00:45:09.000 Do you know what paracetam is?

00:45:11.000 You ever heard of that stuff?

00:45:11.000 It's another nootropic.

00:45:13.000 It's a real potent...

00:45:15.000 One of the interesting things about nootropics is there's a ton of them.

00:45:18.000 There's a lot of different ones.

00:45:20.000 One of them they found recently is creatine.

00:45:22.000 They found that creatine boosts your mental performance.

00:45:27.000 Yeah.

00:45:27.000 Really?

00:45:28.000 Yeah.

00:45:29.000 Creatine's got a lot of benefits, man.

00:45:31.000 Because you think about it, right?

00:45:32.000 Creatine makes your body retain more water as well, right?

00:45:36.000 It's one of the things people don't like about it.

00:45:38.000 It kind of gives you a chubby face.

00:45:39.000 You get a little bloated on it.

00:45:41.000 But what that's doing is you're just retaining more water, right?

00:45:45.000 But if you have more water...

00:45:48.000 It also makes you stronger.

00:45:50.000 It's proven over time, taking creatine as a supplement.

00:45:53.000 It's very effective.

00:45:54.000 It really does make you stronger.

00:45:56.000 It makes you bigger.

00:45:57.000 So you've got to think all that is like all this tissue and all this water.

00:46:02.000 It's probably just everything's healthier, right?

00:46:05.000 And probably the flow of everything's healthier, too.

00:46:07.000 The conductivity of it all.

00:46:09.000 Obviously, I'm not a scientist.

00:46:11.000 But I would think that all that makes sense.

00:46:14.000 Like, your brain works terrible when it's dehydrated.

00:46:17.000 Like, have you ever been dehydrated and try to think?

00:46:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:20.000 Your brain is so weak. 0.99

00:46:22.000 It's incredible how much dehydration affects the way your brain performs.

00:46:28.000 But on the other side, it should be that if you're really well hydrated, your brain would probably work better.

00:46:36.000 It only makes sense.

00:46:38.000 It's amazing how important water is. 1.00

00:46:41.000 Oh, fuck, man. 1.00

00:46:43.000 I got this nutritionist when I started doing the triathlon. 1.00

00:46:46.000 Men's Health covered it.

00:46:47.000 They're doing a documentary on it.

00:46:49.000 What are they doing with you?

00:46:51.000 The whole triathlon.

00:46:52.000 They hit me up and they're like, man, this guy Connor Reed, really cool guy.

00:46:56.000 He's just a fan of what we do.

00:46:58.000 And he's like, man, I love Sober October.

00:47:00.000 I love you and Tommy's Bets.

00:47:02.000 And there's a lot of people, as bizarre as this sounds, whatever we decided to do with these competitions, that got inspired and lost a ton of weight.

00:47:11.000 Yeah, I've seen a lot of that.

00:47:13.000 It's awesome.

00:47:13.000 It's been amazing, man.

00:47:14.000 It has been.

00:47:15.000 And guys are hitting me up, and they're like, I'm running my first marathon.

00:47:17.000 I'm running my first Spartan race.

00:47:19.000 Me and my buddies are doing it when you're in Columbus.

00:47:21.000 Can you come hang out with us?

00:47:22.000 Yeah.

00:47:23.000 It really is...

00:47:24.000 I know Tom and I have talked about it a lot.

00:47:26.000 It definitely was not our intention.

00:47:28.000 Like, we just wanted to... 0.97

00:47:30.000 We were fucking around. 0.95

00:47:31.000 And then when we all did Sober October, there are people that came up to me at the triathlon. 0.98

00:47:37.000 This guy, Willie Nelson's his name. 0.99

00:47:38.000 And he's like, bro, he's like, holy shit, the machine. 0.99

00:47:42.000 I did fucking Sober October with you guys. 0.99

00:47:43.000 I was like, for real? 0.98

00:47:44.000 He's like, dude, no booze, no drugs. 0.99

00:47:46.000 Can you fucking believe it? 0.97

00:47:46.000 And I'm like, yeah, I'm right. 0.97

00:47:48.000 Like we shared the same month.

00:47:49.000 I'm doing it again.

00:47:51.000 I'll do it again.

00:47:51.000 I'm going to do it every October.

00:47:53.000 I'm just going to make it a thing.

00:47:54.000 We should do something else, too.

00:47:56.000 Like right now, it's almost September.

00:47:58.000 Is it like the 20th or something?

00:48:00.000 What is it?

00:48:01.000 23rd?

00:48:03.000 That's not a lot of time.

00:48:05.000 We basically have a month to figure it out.

00:48:07.000 Like, what do you mean?

00:48:08.000 Add another thing inside Sober October?

00:48:09.000 Yeah, I mean, we could be sober and we could do the yoga classes.

00:48:13.000 We could do it again. 0.99

00:48:14.000 You're not getting Tom to do those fucking yoga classes again. 1.00

00:48:16.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:48:17.000 Those are amazing for you. 1.00

00:48:19.000 That was also amazing.

00:48:21.000 I did nine in a row.

00:48:22.000 I did nine days in a row just to whack it out.

00:48:24.000 And when I did that, I was like, it's amazing if you just know that you have to do it, you just do it.

00:48:30.000 But if you don't know you have to do it, you find all sorts of reasons to not do it.

00:48:34.000 Like, I'll just go lift weights.

00:48:36.000 Yeah, I'll just go for a run.

00:48:37.000 Yeah, I'll just go do this. 0.97

00:48:39.000 But if I have to get seven more of these fucking things in in the next 14 days, I'll just do them right now. 0.97

00:48:45.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:48:46.000 You know what's cool about them?

00:48:47.000 This sounds silly, but now I have...

00:48:50.000 Hot yoga in my utility belt worth of workouts.

00:48:54.000 Where I go, sometimes I'll go like, I'll come off the road and I'll be like, God man, maybe I booze that weekend.

00:49:00.000 I'll be like, Monday I'm doing a hot yoga.

00:49:02.000 And I'll go do a hot yoga and I know how the pose is.

00:49:05.000 I don't have, I'm not embarrassed.

00:49:07.000 I know I've got the mat.

00:49:08.000 Like doing your first hot yoga is embarrassing.

00:49:10.000 A little bit. 0.99

00:49:11.000 But when you go back in it and you do it again and you just pour sweat and you're like, shit, I'm coming back tomorrow. 0.97

00:49:16.000 And then of course you don't, but... 0.99

00:49:18.000 It's courageous when you see people going to those classes that are, like, really obese.

00:49:24.000 And they just take that risk of being almost naked in front of all these people. 1.00

00:49:28.000 You got shorts on and shit. 1.00

00:49:30.000 And some lady just did it the other day, her first class. 1.00

00:49:33.000 And I was like, that lady took a... 1.00

00:49:35.000 Obviously, she's not physically fit. 0.68

00:49:38.000 She's not that active.

00:49:39.000 This is probably, like, super nerve-wracking for her to do. 0.97

00:49:42.000 She took a ballsy chance. 0.69

00:49:45.000 It's tough to do anything. 0.99

00:49:48.000 You know, it's tough to fucking take a kettlebell class. 0.98

00:49:53.000 It's tough. 0.99

00:49:54.000 You go in there.

00:49:55.000 It's weird.

00:49:55.000 You get weirder out.

00:49:57.000 When I started the training and I had to go to a pool and swim and get in a Speedo.

00:50:01.000 Now, I wear Speedos all the time.

00:50:03.000 But for real to wear one?

00:50:04.000 Like, for real?

00:50:06.000 Yeah, for real, for real.

00:50:08.000 Why do you have to wear one?

00:50:09.000 Is it that much better than shorts?

00:50:10.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:50:11.000 The drag is like, you glide like a fucking dolphin. 1.00

00:50:15.000 Really? 1.00

00:50:16.000 You ever jack off with too much lotion?

00:50:17.000 And you're like, I don't even feel it.

00:50:18.000 I need to dry some of this off.

00:50:20.000 Wow.

00:50:20.000 That's a bad example.

00:50:21.000 Interesting.

00:50:23.000 It's super specific to me.

00:50:25.000 I swam in the ocean recently.

00:50:27.000 I was in Italy last week, and I was swimming in the ocean.

00:50:30.000 I was realizing, wow, it's so much easier to swim in the ocean.

00:50:33.000 Oh yeah, saltwater.

00:50:34.000 You float.

00:50:34.000 Yeah.

00:50:35.000 It's so, it's so, it's like way easier.

00:50:38.000 Yeah.

00:50:38.000 It's not a little easier.

00:50:39.000 It's like way easier.

00:50:41.000 Open water swimming, in saltwater and like the Malibu triathlons coming up, that one's, it's tough.

00:50:48.000 It's a half mile swim, but you're in a wetsuit and you're buoyant and you're in saltwater.

00:50:51.000 You're also swimming near great white sharks.

00:50:53.000 Yeah, I'm doing Malibu in a year.

00:50:55.000 Great white sharks.

00:50:57.000 They're everywhere around Malibu.

00:50:58.000 Yeah, but when you're in a pack like that.

00:50:59.000 Oh, well, what's the odds that you get bitten?

00:51:01.000 Just getting to the center.

00:51:02.000 Yeah, getting to the center.

00:51:04.000 And that's where they go, right through the middle. 0.99

00:51:06.000 Yeah, just fucking shoot up. 0.99

00:51:09.000 That movie, The Meg, is supposed to be one of the worst movies of all time. 0.99

00:51:12.000 For real?

00:51:13.000 Have you seen that movie?

00:51:13.000 They say it's doing great at the box office.

00:51:15.000 Of course it is. 1.00

00:51:16.000 Everyone's an idiot. 1.00

00:51:19.000 It's supposed to be so bad. 1.00

00:51:22.000 It's a big shark that just fucking nobody saw before. 0.98

00:51:25.000 Oh, here it is. 0.99

00:51:26.000 It's doing as good as Crazy Rich Asians. 0.92

00:51:29.000 Oh, Crazy Rich Asians is killing it. 0.99

00:51:30.000 Oh, good.

00:51:31.000 Is it?

00:51:31.000 It's killing it.

00:51:32.000 Yeah.

00:51:32.000 I want to see that.

00:51:33.000 I hear it's hilarious.

00:51:34.000 I want to see it.

00:51:35.000 The Meg.

00:51:35.000 What's it got?

00:51:36.000 91% like this movie.

00:51:39.000 47% Rotten Tomatoes.

00:51:41.000 6.2 on IMDb.

00:51:45.000 That's not bad.

00:51:47.000 What is the worst received movie recently?

00:51:51.000 There's been some really, really bad ones, right?

00:51:56.000 Oh, I got this.

00:51:57.000 I could come up with this.

00:52:00.000 There was one that came out recently and everyone trashed it.

00:52:03.000 Well, I'm not going to say.

00:52:05.000 That Gotti movie didn't get like zero.

00:52:08.000 Oh, the Gotti movie.

00:52:08.000 That's it.

00:52:09.000 Yeah, the Gotti movie.

00:52:10.000 He's writing it down.

00:52:14.000 Let's see.

00:52:15.000 It was a movie I liked and everyone trashed.

00:52:18.000 Oh.

00:52:20.000 Yeah.

00:52:21.000 Gotta leave that one alone.

00:52:25.000 Burn that paper.

00:52:29.000 Yeah.

00:52:30.000 Yeah.

00:52:30.000 What are you gonna do?

00:52:32.000 That's a business I don't want to get into.

00:52:34.000 I don't ever want to do that.

00:52:35.000 I see Tom doing it now.

00:52:37.000 He's doing some movies.

00:52:38.000 I'm like, yeah, good luck.

00:52:41.000 It's nice to see him blowing up, but that movie thing is a trap.

00:52:45.000 You get on those sets for 16 hours a day and everyone's depressed, everyone's tired, and everyone's on antidepressants. 1.00

00:52:52.000 Fucking everyone. 0.99

00:52:53.000 Everyone. 1.00

00:52:54.000 Oh my god.

00:52:55.000 You ever been on a movie set and you talk to actors about what they're on?

00:52:58.000 Well, you know, my Welbutrin wasn't doing it for me, so I got on Lexapro, and I'm on Zoloft, and I really find it just, it's really balancing me out.

00:53:07.000 And I started taking this, and I started taking that, and Xanax a little here, and a little there.

00:53:12.000 Like, whoa!

00:53:14.000 Everyone is on something. 1.00

00:53:16.000 Dude, fuck that. 0.99

00:53:17.000 You go to Columbia for eight weeks, and you live in Columbia, and do the, I know Mark Wahlberg did that mile 22. He just lived in Columbia for eight weeks. 1.00

00:53:25.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:53:27.000 I'd much rather just do stand-up. 1.00

00:53:28.000 I wouldn't mind doing...

00:53:30.000 I'm not even joking.

00:53:31.000 My dream...

00:53:33.000 My dream's doing what I'm doing right now.

00:53:35.000 I'd like to expand that.

00:53:37.000 If I could do my own thing and expand that, that's my goal.

00:53:41.000 But if you said part of the business, easily like a news radio.

00:53:45.000 Like an ensemble, cast...

00:53:47.000 That was hard too, man.

00:53:48.000 I would love a multi-cam. 0.98

00:53:50.000 Well, it's fun if everybody gets along, but you gotta rely on all those other people to keep their shit together. 0.98

00:53:56.000 And, you know, it goes sideways. 0.99

00:53:59.000 Yeah.

00:53:59.000 And then on top of that...

00:54:01.000 Sometimes the scripts don't work, and sometimes when the show's not doing well, then you have executives that chime in. 0.99

00:54:07.000 I honestly think that what you're doing with something's burning, that kind of shit, that's way better, man. 0.96

00:54:14.000 The thing you're doing with All Things Comedy, this cooking show, that kind of fun shit where there's no real bosses... 0.99

00:54:22.000 It's way better for a guy like you or a guy like me. 0.95

00:54:24.000 I agree.

00:54:25.000 A podcast, same kind of thing. 0.95

00:54:26.000 You're never going to be able to be really authentically yourself with all these executives and producers and network notes and all that shit. 0.99

00:54:36.000 They don't know what the fuck they're doing, man. 0.99

00:54:38.000 They just don't. 0.99

00:54:40.000 Occasionally you'll get good advice.

00:54:42.000 But when something gets through with that sort of system and becomes a hit, it's almost by luck.

00:54:49.000 It's almost like, wow, what are the odds?

00:54:51.000 It's like a salmon making its way up a river.

00:54:53.000 Like, why would it go up river? 1.00

00:54:56.000 The fuck are you doing? 0.99

00:54:57.000 This is a terrible way to go. 1.00

00:54:59.000 You gotta jump over a waterfall? 1.00

00:55:01.000 That is so stupid. 1.00

00:55:02.000 Makes no sense. 1.00

00:55:03.000 It's so dumb. 0.99

00:55:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:55:04.000 But the one that makes it and spawns, like, look, this is our system. 0.99

00:55:08.000 It works.

00:55:09.000 Like, okay.

00:55:10.000 I guess this is it.

00:55:11.000 But it's almost like that.

00:55:12.000 It's like you're doing something that's like so counterintuitive.

00:55:15.000 You're doing something creative and you're being judged and ordered around by people who have zero creativity.

00:55:23.000 They're not funny.

00:55:24.000 Yeah.

00:55:24.000 If they were funny, they'd be comedians.

00:55:26.000 They're not funny.

00:55:26.000 But yet they're telling you what to do.

00:55:29.000 And then you have to think about their notes and you got to bring in the gay roommate and the fucking the black neighbor and the hot chick down the street that everybody wants to fuck and everyone's like tripping over. 1.00

00:55:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:39.000 It's like...

00:55:41.000 No thanks, man.

00:55:42.000 When we went and did that first Something's Burnin', it's me, Bill, and Tom.

00:55:45.000 And I walked on set and I said, I'm super difficult to work with.

00:55:49.000 Just want everyone to know that.

00:55:51.000 Don't anyone stop me.

00:55:53.000 Don't anyone do anything.

00:55:54.000 I'll let you know when we start and I'll let you know when we're done.

00:55:56.000 And they're like, okay.

00:55:58.000 I said, just cover everything.

00:56:00.000 Don't ever ask me to stop and do anything.

00:56:01.000 Just cover everything.

00:56:02.000 That's a problem.

00:56:03.000 When they go, stop.

00:56:04.000 We're going to rewind.

00:56:05.000 Say that again. 0.71

00:56:06.000 What?

00:56:07.000 Yep.

00:56:07.000 No, get a camera on me and stay out of the picture.

00:56:09.000 Just leave me alone.

00:56:10.000 Yep.

00:56:11.000 They don't understand that every time you break that momentum, now I'm thinking about you and I'm thinking about that camera and I have to reset again.

00:56:19.000 Yeah, and we did it.

00:56:20.000 Me and Tom and Bill did that first one, just one take.

00:56:26.000 I think both Tom and Bill were like, I got 45 minutes.

00:56:28.000 I was like, perfect.

00:56:29.000 We got it all.

00:56:30.000 They got up.

00:56:30.000 I think they aired almost all of it.

00:56:32.000 And then everyone loved it.

00:56:33.000 And then Dillian and Bobby Lee came in.

00:56:35.000 Same thing.

00:56:36.000 I was like, no one say a thing.

00:56:37.000 Dude, the best ones, Schaub and Brian Callen, to me, are my favorite.

00:56:41.000 Because you see Brandon Schaub. 0.95

00:56:43.000 He is so fucking funny in that. 0.95

00:56:45.000 He's a very funny dude. 0.98

00:56:45.000 He is so fucking funny in that. 0.98

00:56:48.000 What did you guys cook? 0.98

00:56:50.000 Oh my god, Joe. 1.00

00:56:52.000 We cooked crab, but we had to kill them on air, and you have to kill them in a humane way. 1.00

00:56:56.000 What? 1.00

00:56:57.000 Yeah, in order to do it, you have to kill them in a humane way. 0.99

00:56:59.000 What do you mean, in order to do it? 0.99

00:57:01.000 In order to kill a crab, legally, especially on YouTube, you gotta kill it in a humane way. 0.98

00:57:06.000 What? 0.99

00:57:06.000 Yeah, so it's gotta be within six seconds. 0.99

00:57:09.000 Dude, I shot an elk with a bow and arrow on YouTube.

00:57:12.000 You can watch an elk get shot through the heart with a bow and arrow.

00:57:16.000 You have to be careful with a crab.

00:57:19.000 All I know is that the one note we got was...

00:57:21.000 Didn't even have senses.

00:57:24.000 Well, Brian Callan took care of all the killing.

00:57:27.000 Did he? 0.99

00:57:27.000 He was so fucking funny. 0.99

00:57:29.000 How'd you kill it? 1.00

00:57:30.000 As you start by lifting up their dick and putting it... 1.00

00:57:32.000 Whoa, they have a dick? 1.00

00:57:33.000 I think so. 1.00

00:57:33.000 I think that's what it is. 1.00

00:57:34.000 And you jam it in.

00:57:36.000 You jam it in.

00:57:37.000 What is it?

00:57:37.000 The knife.

00:57:38.000 Oh, well, what the fuck? 1.00

00:57:39.000 How about you bring that up? 1.00

00:57:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:57:43.000 Lift up their dick and you jam it in. 1.00

00:57:44.000 I'm thinking you're jamming their dick in. 1.00

00:57:46.000 Where are you putting it? 1.00

00:57:47.000 No, you take the knife, you lay the crab on its back. 1.00

00:57:49.000 You fuck them to death, bro. 1.00

00:57:50.000 You lift up the dick, you pop the knife in, and then you've got to hit the other side of it within like six seconds, and that's a humane death for the crab. 1.00

00:57:57.000 Otherwise, they're suffering. 0.99

00:57:59.000 So I show that to Brendan and Brendan's like, no bro, I'm definitely not fucking doing this.

00:58:03.000 And Brian just goes, I'll do it. 0.99

00:58:04.000 And literally like the Barber of Seville goes through and kills 20 fucking crabs like this. 0.99

00:58:10.000 I made them Chiappino and neither of them thought they'd like it and they loved it. 0.98

00:58:15.000 What's Chiappino?

00:58:16.000 That's like a soup?

00:58:17.000 It's like a...

00:58:17.000 Yeah, it's like a...

00:58:18.000 Here, watch Brian. 1.00

00:58:19.000 Watch fucking Brian. 1.00

00:58:20.000 He's... 1.00

00:58:21.000 He's definitely fucking dead. 1.00

00:58:22.000 He's cut in half. 1.00

00:58:23.000 Well, wait a minute.

00:58:24.000 How is this...

00:58:25.000 Why is that humane?

00:58:26.000 Like, what a weird thing. 0.99

00:58:27.000 Like, you have to kill them humanely as opposed to boiling them alive. 0.98

00:58:31.000 Is that the idea? 1.00

00:58:32.000 Yes, I guess.

00:58:33.000 I'm not really certain.

00:58:33.000 You're not supposed to boil them alive?

00:58:34.000 But, like, with lobsters, they always boil them alive.

00:58:38.000 Yeah.

00:58:38.000 And they'll tell you you're supposed to boil them alive.

00:58:40.000 But I'm always like, well, what do you mean supposed to?

00:58:42.000 Like, says who?

00:58:43.000 Like, what happens if you don't boil them alive?

00:58:45.000 Like, what magic leaves their body where they don't taste as good if you don't boil them alive?

00:58:51.000 Yeah, I don't know about that. 1.00

00:58:53.000 How come you can't just cut their fucking head off, and then they're dead, and then you throw them in the boiling water? 1.00

00:58:57.000 What's happening here? 1.00

00:58:58.000 Why do they need to be kept alive?

00:59:00.000 Well, you want them to be fresh, right?

00:59:04.000 Yeah.

00:59:04.000 There's a big difference in seafood.

00:59:06.000 Seafood and freshness, that's huge.

00:59:08.000 You don't see dry-aged seafood.

00:59:11.000 If you get a piece of beef from a restaurant, like a steak, a lot of times it's aged.

00:59:18.000 Because the bacteria on the meat actually starts to break it down, and it makes it more tender, and it actually gives it a lot of that mold that they cut off of it.

00:59:27.000 You ever see dry-aged beef before they slice it up?

00:59:30.000 No.

00:59:31.000 Ready?

00:59:32.000 Okay.

00:59:32.000 Show him...

00:59:33.000 Are you serious?

00:59:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:59:35.000 There's a guy that I follow on Instagram that was doing something insane like...

00:59:41.000 I think they had like a 200-day dry-aged beef, which is just like...

00:59:48.000 Even hearing about that, you're like, what in the hell are you doing?

00:59:51.000 Whoa, that's what it looks like?

00:59:52.000 Yes.

00:59:53.000 That's what dry-aged beef looks like.

00:59:54.000 It looks like it's rotten.

00:59:56.000 Like rotten meat.

00:59:58.000 And you lose some of the meat.

00:59:59.000 I mean, it's really wasteful in a way. 1.00

01:00:02.000 Because the outside edge, that black shit, they cut all that off. 1.00

01:00:06.000 So you're losing. 1.00

01:00:07.000 Yeah.

01:00:07.000 See if you find a video, Jamie, of trimming.

01:00:10.000 Just Google trimming dry aged beef and look up YouTube.

01:00:15.000 Were you the guy that turned me on to the guy that had his own fridge and was doing it in his own fridge in his garage?

01:00:20.000 Oh yeah, I know a bunch of guys who do that.

01:00:22.000 I think he was doing it with elk, dry-aging elk maybe?

01:00:25.000 Yeah, I know quite a few guys do that.

01:00:26.000 So this is dry-aged meat.

01:00:28.000 So look at that.

01:00:29.000 He takes the outside.

01:00:30.000 Look, it looks rotten, man.

01:00:32.000 And he takes the outside and you cut into it and then I guess he's gonna cut all the fat off and he's gonna turn it into steaks.

01:00:43.000 What is he gonna do with all that fat?

01:00:45.000 That's interesting. 0.92

01:00:46.000 He's throwing it in the garbage. 0.99

01:00:49.000 So this fat... 0.89

01:00:51.000 When is he throwing that away?

01:00:53.000 So he's just gotta...

01:00:54.000 It seems like he's throwing that fat away.

01:00:57.000 So he keeps a lot of the fat on, and the fat on top is dry-aged.

01:01:03.000 So he's not losing any beef on top, he's just losing the sides.

01:01:06.000 Well, yeah, you're losing the outside edges in this particular cut, but on some steaks, you know, it depends on how long he's dry-aging it, too. 0.98

01:01:15.000 Like, when some people go really ham with that shit, they'll, you know, like I said, they'll dry-age for hundreds of days. 0.98

01:01:22.000 There's a lot of experimental stuff they're doing now. 1.00

01:01:25.000 I'm going to find this dude on Instagram.

01:01:28.000 Do you do that with elk?

01:01:29.000 No, I don't.

01:01:30.000 No.

01:01:31.000 I've got to get you and Cam on if something's burning.

01:01:33.000 Yeah, we'll do it.

01:01:34.000 I would love that.

01:01:35.000 Cam can't cook, though.

01:01:36.000 You know, Dudley can. 0.98

01:01:37.000 Dudley can cook his ass off. 0.97

01:01:39.000 I'm the cook. 0.98

01:01:39.000 I'll cook for you guys. 0.98

01:01:41.000 Yeah, do you know how to cook?

01:01:42.000 Yeah, I know how to reverse sear. 0.99

01:01:44.000 But have you ever fucked around with wild game? 0.98

01:01:46.000 I'll give you some today. 1.00

01:01:47.000 And you could fuck around with it and then... 0.99

01:01:51.000 If you get it right, we'll figure out a way to do it. 0.99

01:01:54.000 I'll give you some recipes and stuff.

01:01:55.000 But it's not that difficult, but it's more tricky than beef.

01:02:02.000 Beef is hard to fuck up, especially fatty beef, because there's so much moisture.

01:02:08.000 Whereas elk, you're basically eating a bodybuilder. 0.97

01:02:12.000 You're eating an athlete.

01:02:14.000 And it's just a richer, darker meat and has very little fat in it.

01:02:18.000 But...

01:02:19.000 If you do it right, it's fantastic.

01:02:22.000 Have you had it before?

01:02:23.000 I've had your ground elk.

01:02:26.000 That's good, but that's hard.

01:02:28.000 The right way to do it is to do an elk steak. 0.98

01:02:32.000 I gotta fucking set up that goddamn grill out here, but we don't know how to... 0.99

01:02:36.000 Have proper ventilation. 0.99

01:02:38.000 I got one of those Yoder pellet grills in the back there, but we don't know how to get the proper ventilation.

01:02:43.000 We might need to get some sort of a permit, put like a vent like they would do with a kitchen. 0.95

01:02:51.000 God damn it, I can't find this guy's.

01:02:52.000 Is it this one? 0.99

01:02:54.000 No, rare gourmet meats.

01:02:56.000 Ooh, what does he got going on?

01:02:57.000 Bunch of stuff.

01:02:59.000 See if you find, like, just Google, try 500 day dry aged beef on YouTube. 1.00

01:03:07.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:03:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:09.000 These guys don't fuck around. 0.99

01:03:11.000 Can I tell you one of the coolest things you turned me on to? 1.00

01:03:14.000 What? 0.99

01:03:15.000 Fucking Adam Graintree. 1.00

01:03:16.000 Oh, he's an animal. 1.00

01:03:17.000 Dude, his Insta stories, like, I get bummed when I skip them.

01:03:22.000 And when he's on one of those epic hunts. 0.99

01:03:25.000 Yeah, no, he does not fuck around, dude. 0.99

01:03:28.000 That guy, he goes out by himself. 1.00

01:03:31.000 By himself?

01:03:32.000 Months at a time.

01:03:33.000 Extreme age steak, what does it say in there?

01:03:35.000 420 days?

01:03:36.000 Yeah, this one's 400 on this one.

01:03:38.000 Oh, go to 400. Let's see what that looks like.

01:03:41.000 It probably looks terrible when they start cutting it up.

01:03:44.000 See, back it up a little bit so we can see.

01:03:45.000 Oh my god, I just saw this online the other day.

01:03:47.000 Like, I saw this and I didn't click on it.

01:03:50.000 So they, it's real weird, man.

01:03:52.000 I mean, you're basically letting it rot.

01:03:56.000 And you're relying on the bacteria to not completely flourish.

01:04:00.000 Like, you have to have a certain temperature.

01:04:02.000 I think they keep it somewhere around like 40 degrees or something like that.

01:04:07.000 And it's dry.

01:04:09.000 Like, look at that.

01:04:09.000 That looks terrible.

01:04:10.000 That looks like a rotten piece of meat.

01:04:12.000 But you're supposed to- he's gonna eat that? 1.00

01:04:14.000 Yeah, they're gonna eat the shit out of it. 0.99

01:04:16.000 Look at that. 0.98

01:04:16.000 That is so weird, dude. 0.98

01:04:19.000 That's so weird.

01:04:20.000 It doesn't even look red anymore.

01:04:23.000 I mean, it's white.

01:04:24.000 And I think that's wagyu.

01:04:27.000 How do you say it?

01:04:28.000 Wagyu.

01:04:30.000 Wagyu.

01:04:31.000 What's the other word for that?

01:04:32.000 There's another word.

01:04:33.000 Oh, Kobe.

01:04:34.000 Yeah.

01:04:35.000 Is he eating it well?

01:04:36.000 Keep it going.

01:04:38.000 So he's going to sear it, I guess.

01:04:43.000 Yeah.

01:04:44.000 And then throw some thyme.

01:04:46.000 Oh, and then he's going to sous vide.

01:04:48.000 Ah, have you ever sous vide?

01:04:50.000 I have.

01:04:50.000 It takes forever to sous vide eggs.

01:04:52.000 Does it?

01:04:53.000 Like an hour.

01:04:54.000 Really?

01:04:54.000 For soft-boiled eggs?

01:04:56.000 Yeah, I love soft-boiled eggs.

01:04:57.000 Sous vide's interesting, man, because you could have something and cook it, like, say, at 125 degrees, which is, like, where you want your steak to be, and you could have it in there for hours.

01:05:07.000 Yeah, what you do is you take your steaks, and you've got to vacuum seal them, sous vide them, and then you can just let them sit.

01:05:12.000 You're not going to overcook them, and then sear them.

01:05:14.000 Sear them in some butter and garlic.

01:05:15.000 Yeah, or with a blowtorch.

01:05:17.000 I do a blowtorch sometimes.

01:05:19.000 Wow.

01:05:20.000 Yeah.

01:05:20.000 They have sous vide torches.

01:05:22.000 Look at that.

01:05:22.000 That guy's got the butter and the thyme.

01:05:24.000 Oh, sweet baby!

01:05:25.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

01:05:26.000 What are you doing here, you fuck? 1.00

01:05:27.000 Look at him with his camera. 1.00

01:05:29.000 Slicing it open.

01:05:30.000 That's 400-day dry-aged meat.

01:05:34.000 Look at him.

01:05:34.000 He's having a mouthgasm.

01:05:37.000 Foodies are such dorks. 0.99

01:05:39.000 They just get so into it. 1.00

01:05:41.000 They just get so into it, man.

01:05:44.000 When you go travel, when you go to Thailand and stuff, do you get foodie and go in and try to find something dangerous and crazy, or do you just pretty much stay?

01:05:51.000 I didn't eat bugs, but I ate some really hot food.

01:05:54.000 Yeah?

01:05:54.000 Yeah, no bugs.

01:05:55.000 They try to serve me bugs. 0.97

01:05:57.000 I'm like, bitch, I hosted Fear Factor for six years. 1.00

01:05:59.000 Get that shit out of my face. 1.00

01:06:00.000 Wrong guy. 1.00

01:06:01.000 Yeah.

01:06:01.000 I'm not interested in your bugs.

01:06:03.000 Not only that, it doesn't gross me out at all.

01:06:06.000 Like, nothing grosses me out.

01:06:08.000 Like, eating bugs or anything, throw up.

01:06:10.000 I remember your wife threw up in her car one time.

01:06:13.000 Either I came over there, and you were cleaning out your wife's car. 0.85

01:06:17.000 I said, what are you doing here?

01:06:18.000 My wife threw up all over her car, one of those green drinks. 1.00

01:06:20.000 And I was like...

01:06:21.000 Like, if you bring up...

01:06:24.000 Like, Segura brought up throwing up the other day.

01:06:27.000 Just brought up throwing up, and I started gagging on his podcast.

01:06:30.000 Yeah, I'm immune.

01:06:33.000 I saw so many people throw up.

01:06:34.000 I've seen hundreds of people throw up right in front of me.

01:06:37.000 And I had to talk to them while they were puking. 1.00

01:06:39.000 And this is a learned skill.

01:06:42.000 Because when I first started doing a show, I would gag when I would see other people do it.

01:06:45.000 I'd be like...

01:06:47.000 But then after a while, it just went away.

01:06:49.000 That part of me is dead.

01:06:51.000 It's dead.

01:06:52.000 So when my wife threw up in her car, I was like, I'll clean it. 1.00

01:06:54.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:06:55.000 I was just cleaning it. 0.99

01:06:57.000 I cannot do that.

01:06:57.000 When my kids throw up, I'm like, I'm sorry you're on your own.

01:07:00.000 I clean up all the puke.

01:07:01.000 If my kids puke, I am the designated puke cleaner.

01:07:04.000 100% of the time.

01:07:06.000 100% of the time.

01:07:07.000 If someone throws up in the bed or somewhere else, I clean it up.

01:07:10.000 Dude, I came back from Utah one time, and I was firing hot, and I had a crazy weekend, and I just wasn't feeling right.

01:07:16.000 And we went and ate a big dinner, and I don't feel good.

01:07:19.000 I'm in bed.

01:07:20.000 I'm in a robe.

01:07:20.000 I'm in a Yankees robe.

01:07:22.000 And I get up, and I'm like, I'm not feeling good. 0.99

01:07:25.000 And I go into the bathroom, and I go to shit, but I start throwing up before I can shit. 0.98

01:07:29.000 And I sit in the robe, and I shit in the robe, and throw up on my lap. 1.00

01:07:35.000 And my wife's a thug. 1.00

01:07:37.000 She went, we got this. 0.99

01:07:38.000 Let's get you in the shower. 1.00

01:07:39.000 I'll take care of it.

01:07:40.000 Wow, that's a good woman right there. 1.00

01:07:43.000 Yeah.

01:07:44.000 That's a good woman right there. 1.00

01:07:45.000 Yeah, man.

01:07:48.000 Literally, unless I'm out of town, my wife does not clean up puke. 1.00

01:07:52.000 She would tell me that the kid puked and not cleaned it up. 0.93

01:07:55.000 Really?

01:07:56.000 Yeah, because she'll start throwing up, and I won't at all.

01:07:58.000 She takes care of the chickens, though.

01:08:00.000 Yeah, sometimes.

01:08:02.000 We have a guy that we hire, too, that will take care of the chickens sometimes, especially when we're not there.

01:08:07.000 He'll handle certain things.

01:08:10.000 Chickens are a little bit of effort. 0.98

01:08:11.000 You've got to clean up the cage.

01:08:12.000 You've got to collect the eggs every day.

01:08:14.000 We had some squirrels stealing eggs.

01:08:17.000 We had a real issue with that.

01:08:18.000 I got a squirrel that I have to hose out of our chicken coop.

01:08:21.000 Yeah, well, Marshall took care of that. 0.93

01:08:25.000 Marshall fucks up squirrels, dude. 0.73

01:08:27.000 Marshall is the sweetest dog of all time. 0.99

01:08:29.000 Unless you're a squirrel, then he's the devil.

01:08:32.000 I mean, I've never seen a dog so determined to kill a squirrel. 0.98

01:08:35.000 It's crazy.

01:08:37.000 He goes out now and he looks for them. 0.99

01:08:39.000 He runs to the chicken coop and then he circles the chicken coop, looking to see where these motherfuckers are getting in, see if anybody's around there, see if anybody's slipping. 0.99

01:08:47.000 But I was on the road and my wife sent me a picture of Marshall with a squirrel in his mouth and she's so happy because she doesn't like squirrels because the squirrels are fucking up all the... 0.99

01:08:58.000 They steal all the chicken food. 0.66

01:08:59.000 Yeah.

01:08:59.000 I like squirrels.

01:09:01.000 I think they're cute.

01:09:02.000 So for me, I'm like, so what?

01:09:04.000 They steal the chicken food.

01:09:05.000 Make more chicken food.

01:09:07.000 But then they start stealing the eggs.

01:09:08.000 And I was like, oh, you get you pushing it.

01:09:11.000 You can't steal my food.

01:09:13.000 That's my food.

01:09:14.000 You can't steal the eggs.

01:09:15.000 Let me find this.

01:09:16.000 Our chickens are family members.

01:09:18.000 Yeah, they are, right?

01:09:19.000 Yeah.

01:09:19.000 I came home when it was like, you remember when it was like 120 and all the trees were dying?

01:09:23.000 Yeah.

01:09:24.000 And I walked in and Leanne had the chickens in the house. 1.00

01:09:26.000 She's like, they can't be out there. 0.97

01:09:27.000 It's too fucking hot. 0.82

01:09:28.000 Yeah, but they do. 0.66

01:09:29.000 They have to be out there.

01:09:30.000 Oh my God!

01:09:31.000 Yeah.

01:09:32.000 He's all happy.

01:09:34.000 This is ingrained in his DNA. Oh, 100%.

01:09:37.000 And his mouth is soft, so he doesn't like...

01:09:40.000 He's like, I want to bring it back to you fully intact so that you can't...

01:09:44.000 So that if you need this...

01:09:45.000 Is that blood on his chest?

01:09:47.000 Uh, yeah.

01:09:48.000 Yeah, that's blood.

01:09:50.000 Yeah, well, he brings things to you always, because he's a retriever, so he has a little box of stuffed toys that he has in the house, and he's the only dog that I've ever had that doesn't mangle every toy you give him, because I've had pit bulls and mastiffs, and you give them a toy, and they just...

01:10:06.000 They just start tearing them apart.

01:10:07.000 He just carries them around.

01:10:08.000 He carries them around.

01:10:09.000 He brings to you.

01:10:10.000 So when I see him in the morning, I'm like, good morning, sir.

01:10:13.000 Good morning.

01:10:14.000 And he's wagging his tails happy.

01:10:15.000 And the first thing he does is run over to his pile of toys, grabs one, and comes over with it.

01:10:20.000 Brings you a present.

01:10:21.000 Yeah.

01:10:21.000 Well, he has it in his mouth.

01:10:23.000 He's a retriever.

01:10:24.000 If you see retrievers running, a lot of times they're carrying their leash in their mouth as they're running.

01:10:29.000 They love to hold onto things in their mouth. 0.60

01:10:32.000 It's weird.

01:10:32.000 Does he dive in underwater?

01:10:33.000 Oh, he fucking swims like a motherfucker, dude. 1.00

01:10:36.000 Dude! 1.00

01:10:36.000 That dog is always in the water. 1.00

01:10:38.000 He will dive from the deep end.

01:10:40.000 If the kids are playing in the pool, and I'll let him out the door, he runs to the pool, stands on the edge, and then leaps into the water and splashes. 0.96

01:10:50.000 He fucking loves it. 0.94

01:10:51.000 Does he dive underwater, though? 0.99

01:10:52.000 A little bit.

01:10:53.000 I used to have a black lab, and you could throw one of those rings underwater, and she'd dive to the bottom, grab it, and pull it up. 1.00

01:10:59.000 Oh, he doesn't do that.

01:11:00.000 Oh, I guarantee you he will.

01:11:01.000 I guarantee you he will.

01:11:03.000 I bet he would if I taught him how to do it, but he swims like crazy. 1.00

01:11:06.000 It's instinctual, those fucking dogs. 1.00

01:11:08.000 My Bull Mastiff, I cannot get her in the pool. 1.00

01:11:11.000 Really? 1.00

01:11:11.000 She looks at me like you're trying to pitch anal sex to your wife. 1.00

01:11:15.000 She's like, come on. 1.00

01:11:17.000 We both know how this is going to go.

01:11:19.000 No one's going to be happy.

01:11:20.000 Yeah, Johnny Cash, and people always ask me to have pictures of my other dogs.

01:11:25.000 They're actually both passed away now.

01:11:27.000 I had to put them both down.

01:11:29.000 Both your bullmastiffs?

01:11:30.000 No, the bullmastiff and the English bulldog, Shibuino mix.

01:11:34.000 They were both 13 years old, and Johnny couldn't walk anymore.

01:11:42.000 It was really rough.

01:11:46.000 The last few days of his life, I would try to bring him in for dinner.

01:11:52.000 And when I would try to bring him in, he literally couldn't make it.

01:11:57.000 It was a small yard where he was at.

01:11:59.000 We're talking about like, you know, 15 yards.

01:12:03.000 He couldn't make it 15 yards to the house.

01:12:06.000 He would take a couple steps, and his body would shake, and he'd take a couple steps, and he was just sleeping all day. 0.99

01:12:14.000 And he was also having a really hard time shitting, and he would occasionally shit in the house. 0.99

01:12:19.000 He couldn't hold his bowels, and he couldn't go outside when he wanted to. 0.99

01:12:22.000 You'd see him trying, but his body was so old.

01:12:27.000 For a Mastiff, 13 years old is crazy old. 1.00

01:12:30.000 A lot of them die at eight or nine, and he was 13. He was a sweet, sweet dog up until the end, but he was suffering.

01:12:42.000 It was hard.

01:12:49.000 We're good to go.

01:13:06.000 Marshall's this old old old dog, and I'm gonna have to put him down too, you know?

01:13:11.000 It was depressing and the other one Brutus the Shibu Ino English Bulldog mix he was better than Johnny for a long time still I've known for the last two years that they didn't have much time left You know they were they were both struggling hard, but Brutus took a real hard turn over the last few months where He wouldn't even come in.

01:13:34.000 Like, I'd try to get him to come in.

01:13:35.000 I'm like, come on, buddy, you want to eat?

01:13:36.000 I'd try to put a little food in front of his face, and he would try to stand up, and his legs would be shaking.

01:13:43.000 It's just so hard, man.

01:13:45.000 It's so hard watching them fade away.

01:13:47.000 And then also watching them suffer.

01:13:50.000 The last days where you have to decide.

01:13:55.000 Me and my wife had to have conversations like, look, we have to do something.

01:13:59.000 One day we're going to come home and there's going to be a dead dog.

01:14:02.000 And it's not like they're having a good time.

01:14:04.000 This is a horrible, suffering, slow demise.

01:14:11.000 Did you have someone come to the house or did you take them?

01:14:13.000 Yeah.

01:14:14.000 It was rough, dude.

01:14:16.000 It's rough.

01:14:18.000 Yeah, Priscilla's seven. 0.99

01:14:20.000 And I mean, I got her when I first started doing this podcast.

01:14:24.000 How big is she? 1.00

01:14:24.000 140. Yeah, that's a big dog, man. 1.00

01:14:27.000 She's had five knee surgeries.

01:14:28.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:14:30.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:14:30.000 That's fucking expensive, too. 0.98

01:14:32.000 Oh, you have no idea. 0.99

01:14:33.000 I do have an idea.

01:14:35.000 I bet you do.

01:14:35.000 Yeah.

01:14:36.000 I had a female pit bull that had two ACL reconstructions. 1.00

01:14:40.000 She had both of her back legs done.

01:14:42.000 Yeah.

01:14:43.000 She blew one out.

01:14:44.000 I got it fixed.

01:14:45.000 She blew the other one out.

01:14:46.000 I had to get that fixed, too.

01:14:47.000 And with a dog, they shaved the bone down.

01:14:51.000 They don't, like, reconstruct it where they add, like, another ligament.

01:14:54.000 They shave the bone down so it doesn't...

01:14:57.000 So it, like, sits on it differently.

01:14:59.000 So it locks in place. 0.94

01:15:01.000 So it doesn't pop off and go, like, out of socket or whatever the fuck it is. 0.96

01:15:07.000 But... 0.97

01:15:10.000 It's like 10 grand a pop, right?

01:15:13.000 I'm not going to tell everyone how much because they'd stop liking me in a minute. 1.00

01:15:17.000 They'd be like, what kind of fucking Hollywood idiot are you? 1.00

01:15:19.000 You just kill a dog like that. 1.00

01:15:20.000 But she got one ACL and then we fixed it.

01:15:24.000 Then while this one's healing and it's turning good, the other ACL goes out.

01:15:28.000 So we fix that one.

01:15:29.000 We're like, all right, we're done.

01:15:30.000 And then as this one's healing, this one goes out again.

01:15:33.000 And that's when they're like, do you want to put it down?

01:15:36.000 And I'm like, no, man. 0.99

01:15:37.000 I'm fucking... 0.99

01:15:38.000 It was like five grand a pop, I think. 0.99

01:15:41.000 And then it even adds up more because then they're like, we should keep her here while she's healing to do it. 0.87

01:15:46.000 And feed her diamonds.

01:15:48.000 Yeah.

01:15:48.000 And then they realize as they're doing this one...

01:15:51.000 That something's wrong with her kneecap.

01:15:53.000 And then they realize she's got, you know, it's overbreeding in her breed, that her kneecaps are bad. 0.98

01:15:58.000 So they fix this one, this one, replace both her kneecaps, and then one more goes out.

01:16:03.000 And they're like, alright. 1.00

01:16:05.000 But man, that dog is the greatest fucking dog. 1.00

01:16:10.000 Mastiffs are amazing. 0.99

01:16:11.000 They're some of my favorite dogs ever.

01:16:13.000 They're so chill.

01:16:14.000 Dude, the sweetest dog gets up in bed with you in the morning and just puts her face right up on you and just does one of those big cow breaths. 1.00

01:16:24.000 And you're like, oh, I'm here.

01:16:26.000 They're so relaxed, too.

01:16:27.000 They're just a different kind of dog.

01:16:29.000 Very relaxed.

01:16:31.000 And I feel comfortable.

01:16:34.000 When I go on the road, I feel comfortable knowing there's a 140-pound animal that would give its life for my daughters.

01:16:41.000 One of our dogs sleeps in one of our daughters' beds.

01:16:44.000 One of our dogs Priscilla sleeps in George's bed.

01:16:46.000 And I go, I'm good.

01:16:47.000 No one's coming in anywhere.

01:16:49.000 No one's breaking in anything.

01:16:50.000 Yeah.

01:16:51.000 I got a buddy who was a German Shepherd, a police dog.

01:16:54.000 And it's one of those dogs that he has to be with all the time and train all the time.

01:17:02.000 But this dog, it's a disturbing thing to have.

01:17:07.000 Because you basically have an assassin that lives with you that's just waiting for orders.

01:17:11.000 Just waiting.

01:17:12.000 Yeah.

01:17:14.000 My buddy's got a German Shepherd that he hasn't quite figured out yet.

01:17:18.000 You can't work a full-time job and just leave that thing alone in the yard.

01:17:23.000 You just can't.

01:17:24.000 They're intense dogs.

01:17:26.000 They're intense. 1.00

01:17:26.000 And they're smart as fuck, so in a weird way, it's like dealing with a complicated chick. 1.00

01:17:31.000 You're like... 0.99

01:17:32.000 You're like, I know you have daddy issues, but I can't really figure them out, and I'm not spending enough time with you.

01:17:37.000 Oh, you can't fix them.

01:17:38.000 You could train a dog.

01:17:40.000 Try training a woman. 1.00

01:17:41.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:17:42.000 Get out of here. 1.00

01:17:43.000 If you meet someone, I don't hear a woman or a man, you meet someone who's completely fucking crazy, you gotta get out of there. 0.99

01:17:48.000 You gotta go. 0.98

01:17:49.000 You can't just, I'm gonna fix them.

01:17:51.000 We know a lot of people that try to fix them.

01:17:53.000 Like Brian Cowan, when I first met him, was always trying to fix these crazy girls.

01:17:57.000 And I was like, dude, you gotta save yourself.

01:17:59.000 You gotta save yourself, man.

01:18:00.000 You can't fix someone.

01:18:02.000 You can't.

01:18:02.000 I remember the day I decided I would never fix a chick again.

01:18:06.000 It was a one night stand and I came in like 15 seconds.

01:18:13.000 And I told her, I said, hey, I came.

01:18:15.000 And then I was about to say, give me a second, let me reboot, and we'll go back at it. 0.99

01:18:19.000 But she was on top of me, she goes, are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

01:18:23.000 And she punched the wall. 1.00

01:18:24.000 She goes, you gotta learn how to fuck. 1.00

01:18:27.000 You need to read a book or get online and learn how to fuck. 1.00

01:18:29.000 And I gently rolled out of bed, and I was like, I think you need to go home. 0.99

01:18:32.000 I was like, this isn't happening anymore.

01:18:35.000 And then she was like, excuse me? 0.97

01:18:37.000 And I was like, listen, I'm not your boyfriend, and I'm not your fucking husband, and what I just saw, I'm not gonna be able to help. 0.95

01:18:44.000 And she was like, and then you could see it in her eyes, like, I gotta get on a train and go to Brooklyn? 0.97

01:18:48.000 She was like, and they started getting pissed.

01:18:51.000 By the way, I'm in my kitchen now in New York.

01:18:53.000 Condom's still on.

01:18:55.000 This is how it tapped out.

01:18:56.000 I go grab a beer out of the refrigerator, still naked, condom on, start drinking a beer. 1.00

01:19:00.000 My roommate Weecho walks out and he's like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:19:02.000 I go, I got it handled. 0.99

01:19:03.000 Don't worry about it. 1.00

01:19:06.000 Walk her to the fucking door. 1.00

01:19:08.000 Walk her to the door. 1.00

01:19:09.000 And this might be the most beautiful moment of my life.

01:19:11.000 Walk her to the door. 0.98

01:19:12.000 And she's like, are you fucking serious? 0.99

01:19:15.000 Are you fucking serious? 0.99

01:19:16.000 Like, in my face. 1.00

01:19:17.000 And she goes, you're pathetic. 1.00

01:19:19.000 And tries to humiliate me. 1.00

01:19:21.000 And I go, listen. 1.00

01:19:22.000 I fucked you and came. 1.00

01:19:23.000 I won. 1.00

01:19:24.000 And she looks at me and goes like this.

01:19:25.000 And goes like this.

01:19:26.000 Goes like this. 0.97

01:19:27.000 And I flinch so fucking hard. 0.97

01:19:29.000 I go... 0.68

01:19:30.000 And we both start laughing.

01:19:32.000 She started laughing, too?

01:19:34.000 Oh, we both start laughing immediately. 0.99

01:19:35.000 And then she just smiles and goes, it's four in the fucking morning in my apartment building. 1.00

01:19:40.000 And she goes, Bert, crash or can't fuck! 1.00

01:19:42.000 And starts banging on doors. 1.00

01:19:44.000 I'm like, all right, this is over.

01:19:46.000 Wow.

01:19:46.000 Take the charge.

01:19:48.000 What a good catch.

01:19:50.000 Do you keep her number?

01:19:51.000 No, I don't.

01:19:52.000 Follow her on Facebook occasionally.

01:19:54.000 Check in, see where she's in jail. 1.00

01:19:55.000 Oh! 0.60

01:19:59.000 You want to hear a really great story? 1.00

01:20:00.000 So, before I fucked her, one night, like, I jacked off in front of her. 1.00

01:20:04.000 Like, not in a Louie way, but, like, we both masturbate. 1.00

01:20:07.000 Not in a Louie way! 0.98

01:20:08.000 Oh, poor Louie. 0.99

01:20:09.000 We both masturbated in front of each other in my apartment. 0.98

01:20:12.000 I think we were doing coke and candles lit and a glass of wine. 0.97

01:20:17.000 She's like, I just want to...

01:20:18.000 It was cool.

01:20:19.000 It was playful and fun.

01:20:20.000 And we get done and she's like, hey, just so you know, you can't tell anyone about this.

01:20:25.000 And I was like, no, because she knew a bunch of comics in New York.

01:20:28.000 I go, I won't tell a soul.

01:20:29.000 I won't tell a soul.

01:20:29.000 She's like, promise?

01:20:30.000 I swear to God, so the next day...

01:20:32.000 Do you tell everyone?

01:20:34.000 Nope.

01:20:34.000 The next day I'm walking to the Boston Comedy Club and Rich Voss is out smoking a cigarette.

01:20:38.000 I go, what's up?

01:20:39.000 And he goes, heard you've jacked off in front of Jennifer last night.

01:20:43.000 I was like, what?

01:20:44.000 And he goes, me too.

01:20:45.000 She needed a ride home from Brooklyn one time. 0.51

01:20:47.000 Ha! 1.00

01:20:51.000 Fucking boss. 1.00

01:20:52.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00

01:20:53.000 Yeah.

01:20:55.000 God, those were the days.

01:20:56.000 Those were the days.

01:20:57.000 If you could go back to one point in your stand-up career, for one year, you've got to live one year in your stand-up career.

01:21:04.000 You can't pick right now where you are right now, but you've got to go back to one point when one year, every day you show up and it's either like the store in 97 when you're meeting Ari and everyone and you and Duncan, Duncan's living on your couch or whatever, I don't know what year that was, but around then or... 0.99

01:21:19.000 You go to the part where it's that, I mean, probably one of the more interesting parts is when you get banned from the store from them and see a shit, and you're literally like, fuck it. 0.99

01:21:29.000 I'm a man on a mission. 1.00

01:21:32.000 That's one of the more interesting parts in your story and your life, in my opinion, is when everyone fucking backed out on you, and you were like, nah, I don't go out like that, motherfuckers. 1.00

01:21:42.000 And you just start fucking building. 0.99

01:21:44.000 What year would you pick? 1.00

01:21:46.000 I would pick the early days.

01:21:47.000 I'd pick like when I was just starting to get work.

01:21:50.000 In Boston?

01:21:51.000 Yeah, it was like a middle act.

01:21:52.000 I'd pick those days. 0.78

01:21:54.000 Doing weird, shitty road gigs. 0.73

01:21:57.000 You know, early 20s. 0.99

01:21:59.000 Careless.

01:22:00.000 No responsibilities.

01:22:02.000 No worries.

01:22:04.000 No...

01:22:04.000 Nothing.

01:22:06.000 Didn't even have a credit card.

01:22:07.000 Had nothing.

01:22:08.000 Yeah.

01:22:09.000 Those were the good days in a lot of ways.

01:22:11.000 It's not that today's not awesome.

01:22:13.000 Today's way better, for sure.

01:22:15.000 But what was good about those days is that there's so much wild and freeness.

01:22:20.000 There's so much...

01:22:21.000 You know, I remember one time I did this gig in Maine.

01:22:25.000 And then after the gig, I met this girl.

01:22:28.000 We had a couple drinks.

01:22:29.000 We're hanging out.

01:22:29.000 We're both like the same age.

01:22:31.000 I think I was probably 22, 23. She's probably somewhere around the same age, 22, 23. And we're just young and it's the summertime and we hung out and we wind up banging in my car.

01:22:45.000 I had like a Honda Accord and we didn't even go in the backseat because there was really barely a backseat, right?

01:22:51.000 We like folded down the front seat flat.

01:22:54.000 And then the windows rolled down and we're just sitting there hanging out and laughing.

01:22:58.000 And I remember having this unique moment where I realized, like, this is not going to be my life forever.

01:23:06.000 I'm not going to be 22 years old with like $100 in the bank, not knowing what I'm doing, not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what the future holds, but yet okay with it.

01:23:19.000 You can only be okay with that for a certain amount of years.

01:23:23.000 When you're 45 and you have $100 in the bank and you don't know what you're doing and your career is not really established, you don't really have a clear path, that's scary.

01:23:33.000 That's dangerous. 0.98

01:23:34.000 It feels like you're a loser. 1.00

01:23:35.000 You feel pathetic. 1.00

01:23:37.000 You feel like you haven't done what you need to do. 0.99

01:23:39.000 There's a certain amount of discipline that you haven't taken part in and because of that your life is chaotic.

01:23:44.000 Whereas when you're 22 and that's happening, It's like that Bob Seger song.

01:23:49.000 What was that Bob Seger song?

01:23:51.000 Ramblin' Gramblin' Man?

01:23:53.000 No.

01:23:57.000 I don't remember which one.

01:23:58.000 You know, he's got a lot of songs about it.

01:24:00.000 Night moves?

01:24:00.000 Maybe it's like a rock.

01:24:01.000 Maybe it's night moves.

01:24:02.000 But the idea of that, you're recognizing that this is a unique moment in your youth.

01:24:09.000 That it's all, like, who knows what's going to happen.

01:24:12.000 I mean, you might die in a car accident tomorrow.

01:24:15.000 You know, who knows?

01:24:16.000 You might never make it as a comedian.

01:24:17.000 You might take a job somewhere, and you might always have regret.

01:24:21.000 But right now, you're having fun.

01:24:22.000 Right now, you're basically just a couple of years out of high school.

01:24:27.000 And, you know, you did a comedy gig, and you're meeting some pretty girl, and you guys are laughing, and you're hanging out, and you're having a good time, and it's summer, and the windows roll down, and the air is warm, and it's just...

01:24:42.000 There's something...

01:24:43.000 It was something amazing about it.

01:24:45.000 Those days were fascinating, man.

01:24:47.000 And Greg and I, Fitzsimmons and I, did a shit ton of gigs together.

01:24:51.000 We worked together a lot back in those days.

01:24:53.000 Because we started out within a week of each other.

01:24:56.000 We were open micers at the exact same time.

01:24:59.000 And we did a ton of gigs together.

01:25:00.000 Yeah, we basically, we traveled all over the place together.

01:25:03.000 We did a lot of gigs in Rhode Island and all over the place.

01:25:06.000 All the Massachusetts hell gigs, we did all those things together.

01:25:11.000 And we still to this day will look back and laugh at those days.

01:25:16.000 Hey Jamie, Gerard Carmichael is at the wrong spot.

01:25:21.000 Tell Jeff to get on the ball.

01:25:24.000 Those days were...

01:25:27.000 They're just real unique in that you really have no idea.

01:25:31.000 You have no idea. 0.59

01:25:32.000 You have no idea what the fuck the future holds. 0.97

01:25:34.000 It's a completely different experience. 0.83

01:25:36.000 Your life is a completely different experience than it will ever be ever again.

01:25:41.000 And I remember that.

01:25:43.000 I remember that moment.

01:25:44.000 I don't know why it's that one night with one girl that I never talk to again.

01:25:49.000 Because back then, you'd have to call someone.

01:25:51.000 They'd have to be home.

01:25:53.000 In 1990, they had to be home.

01:25:56.000 You'd call them on the phone.

01:25:58.000 If they weren't home, you're like, well, I guess they're not home.

01:26:01.000 It wasn't like today.

01:26:04.000 You could text someone, or you could email them.

01:26:07.000 Nope.

01:26:08.000 You had to call them at their house.

01:26:10.000 There's a few of those that I remember.

01:26:16.000 The idea that you didn't have phones. 0.97

01:26:18.000 I remember road trips with Tom and we just would talk for fucking hours. 0.98

01:26:23.000 We drove to Sacramento one time, talked for five hours there, ten hours you spend with a human being. 0.97

01:26:30.000 No one's on their phone.

01:26:33.000 There's something real about that, right?

01:26:35.000 I think we're definitely missing something.

01:26:38.000 We're definitely missing something with these phones.

01:26:40.000 But then we're gaining something, too.

01:26:42.000 We're gaining a lot more information.

01:26:44.000 I'll tell you what, my kids haven't lit anyone on fire.

01:26:47.000 Like, we did that when we were kids with no phones.

01:26:49.000 We lit a kid on fire one time just because we were bored.

01:26:52.000 Yeah.

01:26:53.000 Yeah.

01:26:55.000 Yeah.

01:26:57.000 I don't know, man.

01:26:58.000 There's good and bad.

01:26:58.000 It's like, it balances out, I guess.

01:27:00.000 But if you had to go back to any time in your comedy career, when would you go?

01:27:05.000 Right when I first started headlining, like that first time I just had kids, they were young, I was making $1,300 a week on the road, and I was so passionate about stand-up.

01:27:16.000 I was kind of pretty hacky, I bet, but I just would give everything, every night, you do everything.

01:27:23.000 Six shows, Thursday through Sunday, and I'd fly in early for press, and I'd get excited to do press.

01:27:28.000 And I'd come in, and I'd just be like...

01:27:30.000 And I had my notebook with me all the time, and I was like...

01:27:33.000 Every idea was like a brand new field.

01:27:35.000 It felt like you just discovered the internet, and every page had so much to offer.

01:27:40.000 And then I think I got into...

01:27:42.000 Oddly enough, when I got into Travel Channel stuff, I kind of took a second backseat.

01:27:50.000 And I was headlining and I was like, yeah, yeah, I can do this confidently.

01:27:53.000 And I think I'm there now.

01:27:55.000 Like right now I feel like I'm back to this place where I go, like I'm just writing so fucking much where I'm like, oh God, like everything.

01:28:03.000 Like I feel like everything.

01:28:05.000 That's the thing that happens when you have to do a special every couple of years when you're filming.

01:28:10.000 The one thing that definitely happens is you're forced into this creativity.

01:28:15.000 You're forced to.

01:28:16.000 Whereas we're both aware of those people that don't write.

01:28:19.000 And they sit around for a long time with the same material and then it goes year after year after year and then it gets staler and staler and flatter and Or the kind of people that write the exact same joke next year.

01:28:32.000 Their hours, the same hours, just they say it differently. 0.95

01:28:36.000 For me, I took this hour so fucking seriously.

01:28:40.000 I took it, like I was saying to someone the other day, I did 150 sets. 0.85

01:28:45.000 I performed that hour 150 times before I did it on Netflix, or before I did it in the truck.

01:28:50.000 I did it 150 times.

01:28:52.000 I did the math.

01:28:52.000 I went, wow, man, I like, and I rearranged it.

01:28:56.000 Like, that working an hour and figuring out where to place stuff and figuring out where stuff should go, I'm obsessive about that.

01:29:02.000 Where'd you film?

01:29:03.000 In the Trocadero.

01:29:04.000 Oh, nice.

01:29:05.000 Two shows. 0.99

01:29:06.000 It was fucking, it was, I mean, the second show was a dream. 0.99

01:29:09.000 That's a great spot. 0.99

01:29:10.000 I lowered the stage so that I'm in the audience.

01:29:12.000 I put a half moon in there so it wasn't just a little plank.

01:29:16.000 No smoke machine.

01:29:17.000 I'd seen everyone had smoke machines.

01:29:18.000 I didn't want a smoke machine.

01:29:19.000 And I think it really paid off.

01:29:21.000 This sounds silly, and you won't notice this when you watch a special, but because that place is so old, there's little particles of dust everywhere.

01:29:29.000 And you can almost see them in the back.

01:29:30.000 It looks like little stars in the back.

01:29:32.000 I love it.

01:29:33.000 Panicles of dust, really?

01:29:35.000 Yeah, it looks badass. 0.95

01:29:36.000 It looks fucking badass.

01:29:37.000 What is your writing process like? 0.89

01:29:39.000 Do you write stuff out on paper?

01:29:41.000 Do you write it on a computer?

01:29:42.000 How do you do it?

01:29:43.000 I write...

01:29:43.000 I don't sit and longhand anything anymore because it just...

01:29:48.000 I end up losing so much.

01:29:50.000 It just doesn't help.

01:29:51.000 So what I do is if I see something, or if something happens, it's usually something happens to me, and then I go, oh, that's the bit.

01:29:56.000 And I'll write it in my phone, and I'll just put it in my phone, or I'll also write it in my book.

01:30:01.000 Because I bring my book with me on stage, and I'll go to my book, and I'll see the one-word thing.

01:30:05.000 And, you know, I say I tell stories, and I know I'm known for telling like 12-minute stories, but like most of my stories are a little tighter now, and what I'm writing is a little tighter, so I kind of work it out on stage.

01:30:17.000 Mostly.

01:30:19.000 But I record every set.

01:30:20.000 I then go through the recordings.

01:30:22.000 I write a lot on stage. 0.99

01:30:23.000 And I'll write down, like, fuck, that's funny. 1.00

01:30:25.000 Like, even stupid, silly lines. 1.00

01:30:28.000 And so that's the part where I... And then once I get it like that, then I just... 0.99

01:30:34.000 Then I record it again, and I find the parts where the silence is, or where I'm lazy, where I go, oh, I need something. 1.00

01:30:40.000 I can't just go, suck my dick! 1.00

01:30:41.000 And that's the punchline. 1.00

01:30:43.000 But yeah, I record it, I write it, but I don't longhand write it.

01:30:47.000 It just doesn't work for me.

01:30:48.000 So when you say you write it, how are you writing it?

01:30:50.000 Are you just writing bullet points?

01:30:53.000 Yeah, so I'll write bullet points, like I'm trying to think of the, okay, so like I have a, the joke, my best joke I'm telling right now, without a doubt, is about, it's kind of about you.

01:31:03.000 But it's not about you at all, but the opening thing was just some, and the only part I'll tell you is, I went into a Starbucks and I thought I was getting recognized, and a young black kid behind the counter came up to me, he's like, dude, like, oh my god, and I'm like, yeah, and he's like, I'm a huge fan of Joe Rogan's.

01:31:20.000 And I was like, oh.

01:31:23.000 And so then me and him had an interaction, and I made him laugh.

01:31:27.000 And I went, oh, that was funny.

01:31:29.000 So then the next day, I came back and I made him laugh again, and I went, oh, I know where this is.

01:31:35.000 So then I write it out, and I figure it out.

01:31:37.000 And then that other interaction was so big, I realized, oh, I needed three of those.

01:31:42.000 So then I'll punch it out.

01:31:45.000 And I find the things that make it rhythmic and the things like, for me, things that catch an audience is like I go, and then he fell down.

01:31:53.000 And then when the woman said something, he gets up, leans up, like it's almost the rhythm of the way to say it for me, along with the joke, if that makes any sense.

01:32:02.000 That's definitely the case.

01:32:03.000 Like if someone's a really good storyteller, it's like there's a whole thing going on.

01:32:06.000 There's a physical thing going on?

01:32:08.000 There's a rhythm thing going on?

01:32:09.000 Stan Hope is really good at rhythm.

01:32:12.000 When jokes he says, it's easier for me to talk about Stan Hope than about myself.

01:32:18.000 But when he's talking about ISIS and how they recruit people, and it's identical to how he recruits people...

01:32:25.000 And he goes, ISIS, I'm working this corner.

01:32:29.000 That phrasing, a good phrase for me.

01:32:32.000 Burr does it amazingly.

01:32:33.000 Burr does it amazingly.

01:32:35.000 What does he say he does that's similar to ISIS? He was watching a video.

01:32:39.000 This is on his special, so I'm not putting any jokes out.

01:32:43.000 This is on his special. 0.93

01:32:45.000 He talks about how ISIS goes online and finds, like, pathetic young men who can't get laid and have drinking and drug problems. 0.88

01:32:52.000 And then they bring them in and they show them a good time and they get them drunk. 0.90

01:32:57.000 And he's like, that's how I recruit people!

01:32:59.000 And the line is so great.

01:33:01.000 He's like, ISIS, I'm working this corner! 0.96

01:33:03.000 It's such a great old Barker's technique. 1.00

01:33:07.000 He's got the weirdest fucking life ever. 0.99

01:33:09.000 I mean, he's basically got a little cult going on in Arizona. 0.99

01:33:12.000 He wants to do Sober October.

01:33:14.000 What?!

01:33:16.000 Come on! 0.61

01:33:17.000 Yup.

01:33:17.000 Is he gonna take the yoga classes?

01:33:19.000 We should make him.

01:33:20.000 We should rent a house for him in LA. So we give him incentive to come here.

01:33:24.000 I've been trying to get him to move back here forever.

01:33:26.000 I'm like, what are you doing with your little cult down there?

01:33:29.000 Come on, man.

01:33:30.000 Come hang out at the store.

01:33:31.000 Because he hung out at the store a couple nights.

01:33:32.000 He's like, this place is incredible.

01:33:34.000 It's amazing.

01:33:35.000 I go, it's amazing.

01:33:36.000 I go, this is Valhalla.

01:33:37.000 This is the craziest.

01:33:40.000 In terms of what I've experienced, this is the craziest era of stand-up ever.

01:33:44.000 And the store is the epicenter.

01:33:46.000 I'm like, you should be here all the time.

01:33:48.000 He's like, I don't know.

01:33:50.000 I go, what do you mean you don't know? 0.99

01:33:51.000 You're Doug fucking Stanhope. 0.99

01:33:53.000 Get in here, man. 0.99

01:33:54.000 I go, just get an apartment near here.

01:33:56.000 It would be great if he was here for all October.

01:33:58.000 God, we could just talk him in a state.

01:34:00.000 I'm like, why don't you get a place here and there?

01:34:02.000 You're a wealthy man of leisure.

01:34:03.000 Do whatever you want.

01:34:05.000 I called him up one night.

01:34:07.000 It's like 5 o'clock at night. 1.00

01:34:09.000 And I was like, bullshit. 0.99

01:34:11.000 And I go, what you up to? 1.00

01:34:12.000 And this is why I love Doug. 0.85

01:34:14.000 He goes, I'm having grapefruit and vodka, having a cigarette, trying to think of some goofs.

01:34:20.000 I go, what?

01:34:21.000 He goes, I'm trying to rework knock-knock jokes.

01:34:25.000 I'm trying to make knock-knock jokes present.

01:34:27.000 Like, let me run one by you.

01:34:29.000 And he tells me his version of a knock-knock joke. 0.98

01:34:32.000 And it's so fucking funny. 0.95

01:34:33.000 And I go, Doug, how old are you? 0.98

01:34:35.000 He's like, I don't know, 49, 50. And you're just sitting in your pajamas writing goofs.

01:34:39.000 And he goes, that's our life. 1.00

01:34:40.000 I was like, fuck yes. 1.00

01:34:42.000 Yeah, that's his life. 0.99

01:34:44.000 My daughters will see me doing it where I'm like, we're out to dinner and something will happen and I'll just be like, Like mouthing to myself, and I'm working the bit.

01:34:54.000 Yeah.

01:34:54.000 And they're like, are you writing a joke right now?

01:34:56.000 And I'm like, yeah, sorry.

01:34:57.000 I'd get up and run.

01:34:58.000 I'd get out of the room.

01:34:59.000 Oh, for real?

01:35:00.000 I'd be right back, be right back, be right back.

01:35:01.000 Oh, really?

01:35:01.000 Everybody leaves me alone.

01:35:02.000 Yeah.

01:35:03.000 No, I... I have an idea.

01:35:04.000 If I have an idea and anybody gets in there, the idea will escape.

01:35:08.000 It'll slip away.

01:35:09.000 Like, if I have an idea, especially kids, like young kids...

01:35:12.000 They just start talking.

01:35:14.000 And then they demand your attention.

01:35:16.000 To capture a bit, you have to have silence.

01:35:21.000 You can't have people talking at you, or you'll consider what they're saying, like, oh, really?

01:35:25.000 Yeah?

01:35:25.000 And then, what was I just thinking of?

01:35:26.000 Shit! 1.00

01:35:27.000 It'll go away. 1.00

01:35:28.000 So I treat those things like they're gold. 0.98

01:35:31.000 If I have an idea, and it's a real idea, like a real idea, where I get excited, I'm like, oh, shit. 0.99

01:35:36.000 I run. 0.99

01:35:37.000 I get up off the table.

01:35:38.000 Right back! 1.00

01:35:39.000 Right back! 1.00

01:35:39.000 Gotta go! 1.00

01:35:40.000 Got an idea!

01:35:41.000 And, you know, people who are not into that and don't get creativity and don't write or don't do stand-up, it'll weird them out.

01:35:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:35:49.000 And you have to come back and apologize.

01:35:51.000 Like, sorry, I just had an idea and I had to capture it in the moment.

01:35:55.000 I just have to write it down.

01:35:56.000 And I'll show it to them on my phone.

01:35:58.000 Like, look, I had to write it down.

01:35:58.000 Oh, I'm a daydreamer.

01:35:59.000 I literally will sit and just talk in the middle of dinner with my family and just talk something out.

01:36:04.000 Just be like... 0.99

01:36:05.000 So you can hold it while you're talking to them about other shit? 0.99

01:36:08.000 Oh, I don't know. 0.99

01:36:08.000 I tap everyone out. 0.99

01:36:09.000 I tap everyone out.

01:36:10.000 I tell my Uber drivers, hey man, I'm not crazy.

01:36:12.000 I'm a comic.

01:36:13.000 And I just sit and I'll work a bit out like this.

01:36:15.000 Like... 0.99

01:36:18.000 Like, I got high as fuck the other night. 1.00

01:36:20.000 I got high as fuck the other night. 0.99

01:36:22.000 This is before the triathlon because I wasn't smoking pot up and—or no, no, it was before the triathlon. 0.99

01:36:28.000 I walked in, and I walked in the house.

01:36:30.000 I was way too high.

01:36:31.000 I was coming back from the store, I guess.

01:36:34.000 And I walk in the kitchen, and my Bull Mastiff is putting away the silverware. 0.98

01:36:41.000 What?

01:36:42.000 Yeah.

01:36:43.000 She's got elbow on the counter, putting away the silverware.

01:36:47.000 Putting away the silverware?

01:36:48.000 That's what I said. 0.99

01:36:49.000 And she looks at me like, are you going to fucking help? 0.99

01:36:52.000 And then I realize, oh, she's eating a cake on the counter. 0.99

01:36:54.000 But I was so high.

01:36:56.000 Your dog was eating a cake on the counter?

01:36:57.000 On the counter, like just up with hand stabilizing and just going.

01:37:01.000 Oh my God.

01:37:02.000 And I started laughing so hard that my brain thought it was silverware that I was like, oh, I walked right out to the man cave.

01:37:07.000 And Joe, I must have stood there for an hour trying to write that bit.

01:37:10.000 Like just going.

01:37:10.000 I don't know.

01:37:11.000 Did you take the cake away from the dog?

01:37:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:37:13.000 It was a coffee cake.

01:37:14.000 It was a coffee cake.

01:37:15.000 We were fine.

01:37:15.000 Actually, I went up and helped her eat it a little bit.

01:37:18.000 She looked at me and she's like, we're doing this together? 1.00

01:37:19.000 I was like, yeah, we're running a train, bitch. 1.00

01:37:21.000 But I went into the man cave and I just was talking and my wife came back. 0.99

01:37:24.000 And I'm standing in the man cave just going like, just hands moving.

01:37:28.000 And then I was like, I walked in.

01:37:30.000 My wife's like, are you going to bed? 1.00

01:37:33.000 And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a bit.

01:37:35.000 And she's like, all right.

01:37:36.000 And just left.

01:37:37.000 Yeah, I'll jump up in the middle of the night.

01:37:38.000 Yeah.

01:37:39.000 If I have a bit that's in my head and I'm in bed, I've said to myself before, I'll remember that.

01:37:44.000 And I never do. 0.84

01:37:47.000 Never fucking remember it.

01:37:47.000 Never.

01:37:48.000 Never.

01:37:49.000 Occasionally, one out of a hundred times, I'll be like taking a leak and I'll go, oh yeah, and then I'll remember it.

01:37:55.000 Yeah.

01:37:56.000 Those jokes are slippery.

01:37:58.000 Like Neil Brennan said it best.

01:37:59.000 He said that he thinks of his notebook as like a net for catching ideas.

01:38:05.000 I'm like, ooh, I like that.

01:38:06.000 Yeah.

01:38:07.000 And it's a good way of looking at it.

01:38:08.000 You gotta have something on you at all times, because something happens all the time.

01:38:12.000 Yeah.

01:38:12.000 Where you're like...

01:38:13.000 Well, the phone is the best, man.

01:38:14.000 Dude.

01:38:14.000 I don't know if you use the dictation feature.

01:38:16.000 No.

01:38:17.000 Do you ever do that?

01:38:17.000 I won't ever listen to it.

01:38:18.000 No, no, no.

01:38:19.000 With notes.

01:38:20.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:21.000 You just talk, and it'll voice to text.

01:38:24.000 On the plane last night, or wherever I was yesterday night, I was trying to type in white supremacist, and it came up white supreme hoodie.

01:38:35.000 And I thought, oh, that's funny that you'd try to, like, I ordered a white supremacist hoodie on accident.

01:38:42.000 There's nothing to it right now, but I wrote it and I go, all right, we got that in the pocket.

01:38:46.000 I got them all.

01:38:47.000 You never know. 0.99

01:38:48.000 White the fuck up. 0.99

01:38:49.000 I just heard someone say that. 0.99

01:38:50.000 I have hundreds of them that never did anything.

01:38:53.000 So I'll go over through them.

01:38:54.000 Like sometimes if I'm stale, I'll just go scrolling through them.

01:38:58.000 I go, what do I got here?

01:38:59.000 What do I got here?

01:39:00.000 What do I got here?

01:39:00.000 Oh yeah, I never tried that.

01:39:02.000 And one of those I never tried.

01:39:03.000 I tried last night at the Ice House.

01:39:05.000 And there's something there.

01:39:07.000 There's something there.

01:39:08.000 It's not good yet, but it's a seed.

01:39:11.000 There's something there.

01:39:12.000 And you've got to water those seeds, and you've got to take chances with them, and you've got to know how many of those dud seeds you can plant in a set while people are sitting there paying attention.

01:39:21.000 You've got to give them real bits, too.

01:39:24.000 Bro.

01:39:24.000 Last night, anybody who came to the show, I hope you had a good time, but I had at least four solid duds in there.

01:39:33.000 I'm trying.

01:39:34.000 I don't know where I'm going with them.

01:39:36.000 And then I go places and I'm like, Jesus, what are you even saying?

01:39:39.000 It's so extreme.

01:39:41.000 I will go, at the end of my show, I'll work, everything that's working, like right now I've got about 52 new minutes. 0.96

01:39:49.000 Damn, that was quick. 0.71

01:39:51.000 From when? 0.99

01:39:51.000 From when I shot my special. 0.99

01:39:53.000 How many months ago?

01:39:54.000 Shot it in February.

01:39:55.000 Wow.

01:39:56.000 Yeah.

01:39:56.000 I've got 52 minutes now that I am.

01:39:58.000 Why are they spending that much time before they show it?

01:40:02.000 I don't know.

01:40:04.000 That's a long-ass time, isn't it?

01:40:05.000 We shot it in February?

01:40:06.000 March, April, May, June, July, August.

01:40:08.000 Six months?

01:40:09.000 I guess that's right.

01:40:10.000 Yeah.

01:40:10.000 Eliza's a little shorter, but not much.

01:40:13.000 But just like a month, maybe?

01:40:14.000 We shot ours on the same day.

01:40:16.000 And so like...

01:40:17.000 That's great, though, that you already have 50 minutes.

01:40:20.000 I just...

01:40:21.000 I'm back.

01:40:21.000 Like, I'm just in it.

01:40:22.000 I like it.

01:40:23.000 I'm where I'm at.

01:40:25.000 It's also my thing.

01:40:26.000 It's like the only thing I got.

01:40:27.000 That's what's making me money.

01:40:28.000 So that's where my eggs are.

01:40:30.000 God, isn't it so much better than working for the Travel Channel? 0.99

01:40:33.000 You have no fucking idea. 0.96

01:40:35.000 I remember when you were doing it, I was telling you like, Bert, you're a funny guy, man. 0.99

01:40:38.000 You could be making a living doing comedy and not having these bosses and be on roller coasters every weekend.

01:40:44.000 And biting your tongue.

01:40:45.000 Remember I used to smoke weed in here and you guys have to move the cameras?

01:40:48.000 You have to hide.

01:40:48.000 You have to hide the weed.

01:40:49.000 I don't remember that.

01:40:51.000 God, that was so crazy.

01:40:52.000 But that's what happens with one of those gigs.

01:40:54.000 Yeah.

01:40:55.000 Howie Mandel went on stage at the Laugh Factory once, and he was talking about how scared he was that he could say something on stage and someone could tell his bosses, because he does a family show, and that he could get fired.

01:41:10.000 I was like, wow.

01:41:12.000 Like, you're a comic.

01:41:14.000 Like, he's Howie Mandel.

01:41:16.000 Dude, when I was just coming up, just starting, he already had specials.

01:41:21.000 And they were really funny. 0.87

01:41:23.000 He was really fucking funny back then, man. 0.95

01:41:26.000 Dude, amazing. 0.99

01:41:27.000 Howie Mandel, back in the day, some of his early CDs, really hilarious shit. 0.98

01:41:32.000 But... 0.99

01:41:34.000 And he's still funny.

01:41:35.000 He's still a funny guy.

01:41:36.000 He's always going to be a funny guy.

01:41:37.000 But when I was watching him say that, I was like, that is the craziest thing I've ever heard. 0.98

01:41:42.000 He's worried about getting fired for saying something on stage, like saying fuck in his act or talking about something in his act that someone deems too inappropriate for a family show. 0.98

01:41:52.000 And he can lose this gig at America's Got Talent. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Is that what he's on?

01:41:57.000 The Wall or something?

01:41:59.000 Can you imagine wanting that gig?

01:42:00.000 I can't.

01:42:02.000 Travel Channel came back very recently and asked me if I'd come back.

01:42:08.000 And they're like, tell us whatever you want to do.

01:42:10.000 And part of me was like, I think I'm doing it.

01:42:13.000 I have a Netflix special.

01:42:15.000 I have my podcast.

01:42:15.000 I have a solo podcast.

01:42:16.000 I've got Something's Burning.

01:42:18.000 Always on the road doing stand-up?

01:42:20.000 Yeah, I love writing.

01:42:21.000 I mean, I'm writing faster and better now.

01:42:25.000 Than I've ever written.

01:42:26.000 And this special, I mean, the best compliment I've ever gotten is Tom watched it and was like, I had tears in my eyes, and it's you.

01:42:34.000 It's not, this is you.

01:42:36.000 It's who you are. 1.00

01:42:37.000 And I was like, man, fucking, I wish you worked for the New York fucking Times. 0.99

01:42:43.000 Like, that is the greatest compliment, but... 0.99

01:42:46.000 I mean, I talked to Jamie about it after.

01:42:48.000 I was like, I don't mind shooting content, making free content, putting it out on my own watch, like going to swim with orcas in Norway, and me shooting it, and doing it, or me and you going spearfishing in Miami, and covering it, and shooting it, and editing it, so that it's badass music. 0.92

01:43:03.000 And I don't even care if it's monetized, but it's something that people watch and are like, fuck, that's badass. 0.62

01:43:08.000 I don't mind doing any of that. 0.80

01:43:09.000 But to do something with someone else giving me notes and telling me how I should...

01:43:13.000 Behave.

01:43:14.000 Well, not only that, the Travel Channel's super conservative, right?

01:43:17.000 Well, they got bought by Discovery, so they're loosening up a lot.

01:43:20.000 Oh, weren't they owned by, like, some Christian network or something like that?

01:43:23.000 The previous owners were Scripps, and they were very faith-based.

01:43:27.000 Faith-based.

01:43:28.000 And so, like, you know, I think that's...

01:43:31.000 Chick-fil-A. They're owned by Chick-fil-A. Yeah.

01:43:34.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:43:35.000 So yeah, it's nice to know that you go, like you say something fucked up on stage, and your only repercussion is the one chick that's like, that was fucked up. 1.00

01:43:43.000 And you're like, yeah, I know. 0.99

01:43:44.000 I took a chance.

01:43:45.000 Yeah, I rolled the dice, guys.

01:43:45.000 I didn't even know what I was saying before I said it.

01:43:49.000 No, it's beautiful to see you working so hard and getting things done. 0.97

01:43:53.000 And also doing that with your running and the marathons and all the Spartan race shit. 1.00

01:43:59.000 You're fucking doing shit, man. 1.00

01:44:02.000 You're getting after it. 1.00

01:44:03.000 It's great, man.

01:44:04.000 It's great to see.

01:44:06.000 It's great to see you put together this special and work so hard at it.

01:44:10.000 We're in a real cool time right now.

01:44:13.000 Everybody's kind of killing it.

01:44:14.000 I think so.

01:44:15.000 I look at what everyone's doing and they're all doing it on their own pace.

01:44:18.000 It's awesome.

01:44:19.000 You look at Ari and he's texting me and Big J and Sal and he's like, yo, you guys want to go skiing and do a show to pay for it?

01:44:27.000 And then we're all like, yeah.

01:44:28.000 And he's like, alright, these are the dates.

01:44:31.000 Just so you know, we'll be watching the Super Bowl together.

01:44:35.000 No, he's killing it in his own way.

01:44:38.000 Everybody's killing it in their own way.

01:44:39.000 It's really fascinating.

01:44:41.000 It's interesting.

01:44:43.000 It's true autonomy.

01:44:45.000 It's like when we all started doing this podcast with you and showing up at your house, the little things we'd see, we'd be like, I remember Tom was saying something about, remember sitting on that couch?

01:44:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:44:57.000 And you'd sit on the couch, you'd just be backing it, and you'd be like sunk in and high as fuck. 1.00

01:45:01.000 Terrible. 1.00

01:45:02.000 Terrible couch for doing podcasts.

01:45:04.000 That was Ari's couch at his house for a long time.

01:45:07.000 Yeah, I gave it to him.

01:45:08.000 Yeah, after I got it out of my podcast studio, I had it shipped over to Ari, and then he used it as his couch, and then I think he sold it online.

01:45:17.000 Really?

01:45:17.000 Sold it online, right?

01:45:18.000 On eBay, I think, yeah.

01:45:20.000 There's parts of that old podcast I missed.

01:45:22.000 Do you remember your landline would ring all the time?

01:45:23.000 All the time.

01:45:24.000 I love that.

01:45:25.000 How about my kids when they were real little?

01:45:27.000 When they were like two, they'd be screaming in the background like someone would stub their toe.

01:45:30.000 Yeah.

01:45:31.000 And they'd be crying.

01:45:32.000 You would hear it in the background. 1.00

01:45:33.000 That was a fun fucking time, man. 0.98

01:45:36.000 I had a lot of people come to my house, though, and it was weird. 0.98

01:45:39.000 It was cool when Bourdain was over, or Jim Jeffries is over, but every now and then I'd have someone over, I'd be like, I don't even know if I like this guy in my house.

01:45:49.000 Some fucking weirdo who I brought on the podcast, and now they've been to my house.

01:45:54.000 It was too intimate. 0.99

01:45:55.000 My podcast is still at my house, and we're talking about...

01:45:59.000 Tom's doing it, and he's like, you know, I can't just have these people at my house.

01:46:04.000 Right.

01:46:04.000 And so I want to get a studio...

01:46:06.000 What's Tom going to do?

01:46:07.000 I mean, I don't want to tell everyone Tom's business, but I think he's probably pretty open, but he's going to like...

01:46:12.000 He's going out.

01:46:13.000 He's going big.

01:46:13.000 He's going to do what you're doing on probably a smaller level.

01:46:16.000 He wants to start shooting stuff and making his own branded content that's just Tom Segura.

01:46:21.000 His sense of humor, him and Push.

01:46:23.000 Do their podcast out of there.

01:46:24.000 Do her podcast out of there. 0.84

01:46:26.000 Make shows.

01:46:27.000 What we should do is we should get another space.

01:46:30.000 Build it up just like this space and have one that's got like four studios in it and a bunch of us can use them and you just pay a certain amount of rent per month Man, that's where I'm at.

01:46:39.000 I look at and Jamie and I talked for a little bit before you got here But like you know men's health covered this but I shot the whole fucking thing like I shot all of it I shot the Spartan race and edited it and And it's fun for me.

01:46:51.000 Like, I shot the whole thing. 0.91

01:46:52.000 I just went around and set up a camera, go do the event, grab the camera, set up the camera, do the thing, give the camera to Mike Bertolino, do the thing, and I did that with the marathon, covered the whole fucking thing on my phone. 0.51

01:47:04.000 It's like, if I could get myself a junior fucking editor, bro, I'll put out content every day. 0.86

01:47:10.000 Throw out the bat signal. 0.99

01:47:11.000 Put it on your Instagram.

01:47:13.000 Just say, you know...

01:47:14.000 I think I just threw it out.

01:47:15.000 Don't do that.

01:47:16.000 You definitely just did, though.

01:47:16.000 Yeah, you definitely just did.

01:47:17.000 But you really want to make sure they're not crazy.

01:47:20.000 That's the hard part. 0.89

01:47:21.000 Yeah, because you get some dude integrated into your life, and they turn out to be insane.

01:47:26.000 Because didn't David Spade, his guy, he had an assistant.

01:47:29.000 His assistant tasered him. 0.99

01:47:31.000 In the middle of the fucking night. 1.00

01:47:32.000 Someone threw a phone at an assistant. 1.00

01:47:34.000 Who did that? 0.91

01:47:35.000 Someone else did.

01:47:36.000 That was a girl who threw a phone at their assistant. 1.00

01:47:39.000 That guy got broke into David Spade's house and tased him in the middle of the fucking night. 0.99

01:47:43.000 How bad must he be to work for? 0.99

01:47:46.000 For real.

01:47:46.000 I love it!

01:47:47.000 That's what you pulled out of it!

01:47:50.000 I mean, it has to be...

01:47:51.000 I'm not saying that it was justified.

01:47:54.000 I'm not saying that.

01:47:56.000 But, come on, man. 0.99

01:47:59.000 Something had to be fucked up. 0.99

01:48:02.000 You know for a fact that when they were doing the break... 0.99

01:48:05.000 I love Davis Bain.

01:48:07.000 I'm not shitting on him, but you know when they were doing the breakdown, the police officers were talking to Davis Bain.

01:48:11.000 You did nothing, huh?

01:48:12.000 Like...

01:48:13.000 Does he pick up your laundry?

01:48:14.000 Yeah.

01:48:14.000 How long has he been working for you?

01:48:16.000 How many coffees do you drink a day?

01:48:18.000 Yeah.

01:48:19.000 What was it that you said?

01:48:20.000 I love that that's your takeaway.

01:48:22.000 How rough?

01:48:26.000 Dude, I gotta wrap this up, unfortunately, because I got Gerard here.

01:48:29.000 I found that cartoon.

01:48:30.000 Oh, yeah, let's wrap it up with this.

01:48:32.000 Listen, Burt Kreischer, Secret Time, this Friday.

01:48:36.000 Is it Thursday night at midnight?

01:48:37.000 Thursday night at midnight, August 24th.

01:48:39.000 Thursday night, midnight viewing party. 1.00

01:48:40.000 That's tonight, you fucks. 1.00

01:48:41.000 So tonight at midnight, it airs, Secret Time, on Netflix, ready to blow the fuck up. 0.99

01:48:48.000 I'm in Irvine this weekend, I'll start next weekend, but yeah, check out Secret Time.

01:48:51.000 Thank you, Joe.

01:48:52.000 Love you, brother.

01:48:53.000 Thank you.

01:48:53.000 Love you too, man.

01:48:54.000 Burt Kreischer, here we go.

01:48:59.000 This is so funny.

01:49:29.000 I'm about to pass out.

01:49:31.000 That's actually probably better than anything they're going to come up with.

01:49:34.000 How much money does he have that he's making his own trailer?

01:49:37.000 He's ballin'! 1.00

01:49:37.000 Ballin', bitches! 1.00

01:49:41.000 Thanks, brother. 1.00

01:49:42.000 Oh, that was awesome.

01:49:43.000 That was really cool.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 23, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1160 - Bert Kreischer

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Transcript