The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1225 - Theo Von

00:00:00.000 Well, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous was created by a guy who was into LSD. Yeah, Bill W. A real baller.

00:00:09.000 Jamie, I want to show you through your sweater.

00:00:14.000 And it's not a bad sweater, a sweatshirt you're wearing.

00:00:16.000 It's very cool.

00:00:18.000 But this is a symptom of everything that's wrong.

00:00:24.000 Go ahead.

00:00:27.000 Are we on yet?

00:00:28.000 Yeah, we're on.

00:00:29.000 It's got fake short sleeves.

00:00:32.000 It's got fake short sleeves over long sleeves.

00:00:35.000 So the short sleeves are sewed in.

00:00:38.000 Not sewed.

00:00:38.000 It's not sewed.

00:00:39.000 It's not attached.

00:00:40.000 How does it work then?

00:00:41.000 The short sleeves.

00:00:42.000 It's just over top.

00:00:42.000 It comes apart.

00:00:43.000 But this sleeve part.

00:00:45.000 It's not there.

00:00:45.000 It's not attached at all.

00:00:46.000 It's separate.

00:00:47.000 So it's two pieces?

00:00:48.000 Yeah.

00:00:48.000 I didn't know that when I bought it either.

00:00:50.000 But when you pull the sleeve up, what happens?

00:00:52.000 Nothing.

00:00:52.000 It can come off.

00:00:53.000 Oh, it goes all the way over the top.

00:00:54.000 Oh, I see.

00:00:55.000 It's like a separate hood.

00:00:56.000 So do you wear the two of them together, or are they sewed on?

00:00:59.000 I just bought it.

00:00:59.000 There's a whole Rocky thing that this company did.

00:01:01.000 They had a whole bunch of pieces, and I was like, oh, that's kind of cool.

00:01:04.000 So Sylvester Stallone is slated to come on the podcast.

00:01:09.000 You will wear that, correct, when he's here?

00:01:11.000 Please.

00:01:12.000 Okay.

00:01:12.000 All right.

00:01:13.000 So is that, but the upper shirt is just laid over the tops, shorts, long-sleeved shirt?

00:01:20.000 So you could wear one without the other?

00:01:22.000 Like you could wear the short sleeve one?

00:01:23.000 Oh, okay.

00:01:24.000 It's just two sweatshirts, you know, but it's the training montage.

00:01:27.000 Oh, it comes as a team.

00:01:31.000 Is it heavy or is it light?

00:01:32.000 It is not light at all.

00:01:33.000 I'm starting to sweat right now and then we shut the store.

00:01:35.000 But that'll make you stronger if you got a heavy shirt.

00:01:37.000 I think that's the idea.

00:01:39.000 We are here, and if some shit goes down, I may have to bolt from the podcast because there's mandatory evacuations all around here.

00:01:49.000 Really?

00:01:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:01:50.000 Where I live, all in Ventura County, there's all these mandatory bees.

00:01:54.000 Yeah, honeybees.

00:01:55.000 Is it really?

00:01:56.000 Yeah, they're making too much honey.

00:01:57.000 What is it?

00:02:00.000 Mudslides.

00:02:01.000 Oh, wow, I didn't know that.

00:02:02.000 I had to pull off La Cienega one time and they had a bunch of bees on there. 0.99

00:02:05.000 What?

00:02:06.000 Really?

00:02:06.000 Yeah.

00:02:07.000 Huge hives, man.

00:02:08.000 Wow.

00:02:08.000 And you see a lot of homeless people and they don't do anything, but when bees show up, they fucking get to doing shit.

00:02:13.000 You know?

00:02:15.000 That's one thing I noticed quickly.

00:02:16.000 They get out of there.

00:02:17.000 Yeah.

00:02:17.000 Isn't it interesting how they get motivated by bees?

00:02:20.000 Yeah.

00:02:20.000 Bees will motivate anybody.

00:02:21.000 Yeah.

00:02:22.000 You know, you're not all cracked out once the bees show up.

00:02:25.000 Dude, I watched bees communicate with each other once.

00:02:27.000 I was on the set of Fear Factor, and we covered these people with bees.

00:02:30.000 And then a neighboring colony, a colony that actually lived there, a local colony, came and were like, what are you guys doing here?

00:02:37.000 And the bees all flew up in the sky together and sorted it out in the sky.

00:02:43.000 Really?

00:02:43.000 It was wild.

00:02:45.000 The guy told us, the beekeeper, he's like, everybody's got to stand down.

00:02:48.000 We've got to back up.

00:02:49.000 Get out of the area.

00:02:50.000 We're like, what?

00:02:51.000 He's like, yeah, they have to communicate.

00:02:52.000 I thought he was joking.

00:02:53.000 Let them do it, huh?

00:02:54.000 Yeah, he's like, they have to talk it out.

00:02:55.000 I'm like, whoa, they talk?

00:02:57.000 What are they going to say?

00:02:59.000 There's something going on with them that we just kind of subtly, we sort of get what they do.

00:03:07.000 Yeah.

00:03:08.000 Yeah, they're kind of like little liaisons, it seems like.

00:03:13.000 I wonder if in the future we'll know that certain animals can take messages around for us, and if you told an animal something, it could go tell them.

00:03:22.000 I wonder if we'll start using animals more.

00:03:24.000 Because animals, we don't use them that much.

00:03:26.000 I mean, they're sitting around most of the time.

00:03:28.000 Right, I read something about they were trying to encode information in DNA. We could ask Mike Tyson about his pigeons.

00:03:36.000 Yeah, I think that's different though.

00:03:38.000 They carry pigeons though, but then pigeons used to carry shit long distances.

00:03:42.000 How about Game of Thrones?

00:03:43.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:03:44.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:03:46.000 But for whatever reason, it makes more sense with birds.

00:03:50.000 Yeah.

00:03:51.000 Right?

00:03:51.000 Like a bird seems like you should be able to train it a little bit.

00:03:55.000 Oh, bird? 0.71

00:03:56.000 You could train some birds, I think.

00:03:57.000 Some birds, I think, would do their own thing.

00:03:59.000 Let me ask you this.

00:04:00.000 If you had an important message, would you just send one raven?

00:04:02.000 That's what I never got.

00:04:03.000 How about you send a flock of these motherfuckers? 1.00

00:04:05.000 What are you, crazy?

00:04:06.000 What if that goddamn thing gets eaten?

00:04:08.000 What if an eagle jacks from along the way?

00:04:10.000 The fate of your kingdom is at hand, sir.

00:04:12.000 Yeah.

00:04:13.000 Yeah, you can't put that on the back of one bird, dude.

00:04:15.000 I would send a bird nobody would expect.

00:04:16.000 You know, like a little warbler or something, or a nightingale.

00:04:19.000 Oh, that's a good move.

00:04:20.000 Yeah.

00:04:20.000 You gotta send a bird that nobody wants to shoot, though.

00:04:23.000 People like to shoot birds.

00:04:25.000 Well, owl, too.

00:04:26.000 Dude, we had owl two Thanksgivings ago.

00:04:28.000 We had two owls at my sister's house.

00:04:30.000 Yeah, I saw one last night, actually.

00:04:32.000 Did you?

00:04:32.000 Yeah, it was pretty...

00:04:33.000 No, not last night.

00:04:34.000 Night before last.

00:04:34.000 It was pretty fucking cool.

00:04:35.000 Pulled into the driveway and an owl took off.

00:04:38.000 It was big, too.

00:04:39.000 It's gross, I think.

00:04:40.000 Owls?

00:04:41.000 The meat.

00:04:42.000 Oh, you ate them, you're saying?

00:04:44.000 Yeah, but the...

00:04:44.000 You guys ate owls?

00:04:45.000 Yeah.

00:04:46.000 I don't think that's legal.

00:04:47.000 You probably shouldn't say that on the podcast.

00:04:51.000 Well, I didn't have a lot.

00:04:53.000 Bill Burr used to have a joke about it.

00:04:55.000 I didn't have a lot, man.

00:04:56.000 I think I even spit it out.

00:04:58.000 I'm not even joking.

00:04:59.000 It's like Bill Clinton when you smoked that weed.

00:05:00.000 And they had two.

00:05:01.000 They don't have a lot of meat on them.

00:05:04.000 I fucking don't like owls.

00:05:06.000 They're predators.

00:05:07.000 They're important.

00:05:07.000 That's why you don't have rats everywhere.

00:05:09.000 Yeah, but I think they're violent and they're dirty and they get this.

00:05:14.000 Owls, whoever did their PR, you notice everybody thinks they're smart and they can read and they're like...

00:05:19.000 Yeah, they had a good PR agent, right?

00:05:22.000 Yeah, look at that.

00:05:23.000 We only got one up, Jimmy.

00:05:25.000 But see how much little meat is on them?

00:05:26.000 You'd think there's more.

00:05:29.000 Look at...

00:05:30.000 He's kidding, folks.

00:05:31.000 He's kidding, folks.

00:05:32.000 He's not eating owls.

00:05:33.000 The one in the middle looks like it's from another planet.

00:05:35.000 You know?

00:05:36.000 Yeah.

00:05:37.000 Yeah, and that's what...

00:05:39.000 That's what it really looks like.

00:05:40.000 That's what it looks like.

00:05:41.000 Underneath all that fluff.

00:05:42.000 It's a little alien.

00:05:43.000 A little alien raptor creature.

00:05:45.000 I was flying...

00:05:46.000 Like a crab.

00:05:46.000 It looks like a crab.

00:05:47.000 I was driving home when one was flying above me on the road and dropped a rabbit.

00:05:52.000 He had got a rabbit and jacked it and was flying with the rabbit.

00:05:56.000 And as he was flying, just decided, like...

00:05:58.000 Maybe he decided the car was too close to him or was too loud or something like that.

00:06:02.000 I just dropped that rabbit and said, fuck it.

00:06:04.000 And I stopped the car to check it out.

00:06:06.000 I was like, whoa.

00:06:07.000 That's flirting, really, it sounds like.

00:06:09.000 Flirting?

00:06:09.000 Oh, if a bird drops a rabbit at your feet?

00:06:11.000 Hey, bitch. 1.00

00:06:12.000 Yeah.

00:06:12.000 It's ready to fuck.

00:06:13.000 Probably.

00:06:14.000 Yeah, like an offering.

00:06:16.000 Look what I got for you.

00:06:16.000 More where that came from.

00:06:17.000 Or maybe.

00:06:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:21.000 Yeah.

00:06:22.000 They're predators, man.

00:06:24.000 We never thought of them growing up as predators.

00:06:27.000 Yeah.

00:06:27.000 That's the thing.

00:06:28.000 They told us they were wise.

00:06:29.000 They had that monocle like fucking Bud Friedman from Evening at the Improv.

00:06:35.000 Remember that?

00:06:36.000 Oh, like that Planner's Peanut.

00:06:37.000 Bud Friedman from Evening at the Improv.

00:06:39.000 His whole deal was, yeah, I loved Evening at the Improv when I was a kid.

00:06:44.000 I never saw it.

00:06:45.000 Oh man, that was like one of the reasons why I got into stand-up comedy.

00:06:48.000 I used to watch these TV shows.

00:06:50.000 They had syndicated TV shows that they would do.

00:06:54.000 VH1 had one, MTV had the half-hour comedy hour.

00:06:57.000 What time did it come on at?

00:06:59.000 I don't remember, man.

00:07:00.000 I don't remember.

00:07:01.000 That was Bud, but it was probably on late at night.

00:07:03.000 He looks like that planner's nut.

00:07:04.000 Daniel, I think that guy's name is.

00:07:06.000 Bud Friedman was one of the owners.

00:07:07.000 He sold it eventually and cha-ching, cashed out.

00:07:10.000 There's my friend Brian Friedman in the left corner.

00:07:12.000 That's a different dude.

00:07:13.000 Yeah.

00:07:14.000 Interesting.

00:07:15.000 A lot of Freedmans out there.

00:07:17.000 But anyway, Bud ran...

00:07:19.000 He was the host of Evening at the Improv, and he would come out with that monocle.

00:07:23.000 Go back to that monocle picture again, lower left.

00:07:26.000 Bam! 0.98

00:07:27.000 That was him.

00:07:28.000 See, Google Bud Freedman Evening at the Improv.

00:07:32.000 That's what I did.

00:07:32.000 That's what you did?

00:07:32.000 Oh, okay.

00:07:33.000 Yeah, nice guy.

00:07:34.000 Real nice guy.

00:07:36.000 Yeah?

00:07:36.000 He was?

00:07:37.000 Yeah, real nice guy.

00:07:38.000 Always a sweetheart to me.

00:07:39.000 Always very friendly.

00:07:41.000 He was a very gregarious guy.

00:07:43.000 And he...

00:07:45.000 Basically, he was one of the original owners of the Improv and Evening at the Improv.

00:07:50.000 I don't know the full history of the Improv.

00:07:53.000 I probably should, but I think...

00:07:55.000 I want to say it started out in New York.

00:07:57.000 Yeah.

00:07:58.000 Because I know there were ones everywhere at one point in time.

00:08:02.000 They had one in Boston for a little bit.

00:08:04.000 An Improv?

00:08:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:08:05.000 They had one in Boston, and then they changed it to a different name.

00:08:09.000 It started Hell's Kitchen in 1963. Yeah, so that was probably one of the original stand-up comedy clubs.

00:08:17.000 Probably one of the top two or three.

00:08:20.000 Do you have a favorite, like a club when you were doing clubs more?

00:08:22.000 Did you have a favorite one?

00:08:24.000 I was just happy to get on stage back then.

00:08:27.000 I mean, I had favorite ones, like Nick's Comedy Stop was always a favorite in Boston.

00:08:32.000 Stitches, but Stitches moved a couple of times.

00:08:35.000 Stitches moved twice.

00:08:36.000 What about any of the Funny Bones, or did you go to any of those places?

00:08:39.000 Yeah, but for the Boston Club, the Comedy Connection was the big one, and now that's the Wilbur Theatre.

00:08:45.000 It's really weird, because it used to be the smallest club in town, and everybody wanted to work it.

00:08:49.000 It was like a hundred and...

00:08:50.000 Ooh, I want to say they could stuff maybe 150 people in there, but I mean, it ain't stuffed.

00:08:56.000 I mean, this room, this ceiling was low, you know?

00:08:59.000 I mean, I'm 5'8", and I remember I could, I'm pretty sure I could touch the ceiling.

00:09:04.000 So this shit is low.

00:09:06.000 So if you were like Owen Smith or someone tall.

00:09:09.000 Somebody with a long arm.

00:09:11.000 It's a big ass stage for you.

00:09:13.000 Big people would look real weird on that stage.

00:09:15.000 But the laughs would be so contained.

00:09:18.000 It was so low ceiling and tight.

00:09:21.000 I love that.

00:09:22.000 I love that.

00:09:23.000 I saw Hicks there for the first time.

00:09:26.000 First time I ever saw him was there.

00:09:27.000 I was like, whoa.

00:09:29.000 He was doing this bit about Jimi Hendrix meeting Tiffany at the mall.

00:09:34.000 Tiffany, the singer?

00:09:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:36.000 Because she was real popular then.

00:09:37.000 I think we're alone now.

00:09:38.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:39.000 Yeah.

00:09:40.000 Oh, that song will make you just be erect.

00:09:41.000 I remember being on the school bus so fucking erect, bro.

00:09:45.000 Dude, I remember that shit, bro.

00:09:48.000 Dude, I loved being erect when I was young, man.

00:09:50.000 Now it's whatever.

00:09:51.000 Now it's whatever.

00:09:52.000 Now it's like, fuck, do I have to do something now?

00:09:55.000 What does my dick need me to do?

00:09:56.000 Right, it's like eating an owl.

00:09:59.000 I'll tell you this, if you want to feed a family of four, you can't just have one owl.

00:10:05.000 I will say that, though.

00:10:07.000 Well, if you look at what it looks like without the feathers, it looks like a fucking demon.

00:10:11.000 Yeah.

00:10:11.000 It's a real bait and switch, I feel like.

00:10:14.000 It's one of God's hidden agendas.

00:10:15.000 Well, I was talking to someone about peacocks about this, and I started talking about it on stage.

00:10:19.000 Peacocks are pretty, but if you took their feathers off, you'd want to kill it with a hammer. 0.99

00:10:22.000 Yeah.

00:10:23.000 Like, what is that thing?

00:10:24.000 What the fuck is that?

00:10:26.000 You wouldn't let that thing anywhere near your kids.

00:10:28.000 If peacocks have their feathers on, you let your kids get right close to them.

00:10:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:32.000 Beautiful.

00:10:32.000 But a peacock with no feathers, dark skin, charcoal-covered skin, and the little nubs all over it.

00:10:41.000 Oh, look at that.

00:10:42.000 That creepy fuck.

00:10:43.000 Look at that.

00:10:44.000 That creepy little murderer.

00:10:46.000 Looks like a little twink out on the town, huh?

00:10:48.000 It's a little creepy murderer.

00:10:50.000 Probably a little gray and pink murderer. 1.00

00:10:52.000 Is that what it looks like with mange?

00:10:53.000 Oh, look at that.

00:10:54.000 Is that real?

00:10:55.000 Oh my god.

00:10:56.000 That's like a duck face.

00:10:57.000 I don't know.

00:10:57.000 Yeah, that's a duck, bro.

00:10:58.000 But it says peacock.

00:11:00.000 That is something else.

00:11:01.000 That is meningitis, I think.

00:11:02.000 That doesn't seem right, though.

00:11:02.000 Go back up to the peacock picture.

00:11:04.000 They have a different head.

00:11:05.000 Go back to that peacock picture that you just had.

00:11:07.000 Oh my god.

00:11:07.000 Look at that head.

00:11:08.000 That's a totally different head.

00:11:09.000 Like the beak-shaped different.

00:11:10.000 Yeah, beautiful head.

00:11:11.000 That's the problem with the internet.

00:11:13.000 Yeah, you can't even...

00:11:14.000 It's so hard to tell.

00:11:15.000 That's a duck, son.

00:11:16.000 Who is that?

00:11:17.000 Yeah, those are ducks, bro.

00:11:18.000 Maybe it's on that page or something like that.

00:11:19.000 Well, it says right there, it said feathers ripped from live birds.

00:11:22.000 It didn't...

00:11:23.000 Ripping the feathers off peacocks.

00:11:25.000 Was Bill Hicks a nice guy?

00:11:26.000 What was he like?

00:11:27.000 Did you meet him?

00:11:27.000 I didn't meet him.

00:11:28.000 I met him like, hi.

00:11:29.000 Like, hey, what's up?

00:11:31.000 I was an open-miker.

00:11:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:33.000 You know, he ain't gonna talk to me.

00:11:35.000 Yeah.

00:11:35.000 It's like, you know, I say hi to everybody I run into.

00:11:39.000 Like door guys, I always try to say hi to everybody.

00:11:42.000 Yeah.

00:11:42.000 Because I remember what it was like when I was an open-miker and seeing these guys where I couldn't even imagine that we were the same thing.

00:11:49.000 I couldn't talk to them.

00:11:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:11:52.000 The big comedians, you mean?

00:11:53.000 Fuck yeah! 0.99

00:11:54.000 Like, Bill Hicks would come into town.

00:11:55.000 I didn't want to say hi to him and be super annoying.

00:11:58.000 Right.

00:11:59.000 And what do you back it up with?

00:12:00.000 That was always my thing.

00:12:01.000 I was so stupid back then, too.

00:12:03.000 I mean, I'm pretty dumb now, but I was really dumb back then.

00:12:06.000 Yeah.

00:12:07.000 There was no way I had anything to say to that, dude.

00:12:09.000 Do you think there was a time in your life you were the dumbest that you'd ever been?

00:12:13.000 Probably a couple weeks ago.

00:12:16.000 I don't know.

00:12:17.000 I don't know, man.

00:12:18.000 Well, I definitely have more data to work with now, but I've forgotten a lot of shit, too.

00:12:23.000 But do you think there's generally a time in people's lives when they, what they should know, kind of, and there's kind of like a middle ground where maybe it doesn't?

00:12:32.000 Well, for sure when I was in my early 20s.

00:12:34.000 For sure when I was in my early 20s.

00:12:36.000 Like deep into my, you know, it took me into my 30s to kind of fucking shake my head loose and figure out what the fuck I was doing.

00:12:44.000 Yeah, dude, you're 20. Bro, when you think about 20s.

00:12:47.000 Right.

00:12:48.000 No direction, no idea whether or not this comedy thing was going to work out.

00:12:53.000 I'm like, what am I doing?

00:12:54.000 Now I'm telling jokes?

00:12:56.000 Jesus Christ.

00:12:58.000 Yeah, and then telling people when you go back home and they've never seen you, they've never heard of you, they think you're gay.

00:13:03.000 They're like, you keep flying home, you don't have any money, and you're not bringing a girl home. 1.00

00:13:09.000 You're hiding from something.

00:13:10.000 Yeah, you're hiding from something.

00:13:12.000 Just come out.

00:13:13.000 I remember my stepdad is yelling at me in the yard one time.

00:13:15.000 Told you to come out?

00:13:16.000 Yeah, I was like, I'm not fucking gay, bro.

00:13:18.000 I'm just not flying some girl home that I just met.

00:13:21.000 You know, just to prove to you guys.

00:13:24.000 He thought he could catch you to lie.

00:13:27.000 Yeah, he thought maybe he was gonna leave a...

00:13:29.000 He's gonna set a trap.

00:13:31.000 Yeah, he's gonna set a trap.

00:13:32.000 Yeah, he was setting a trap.

00:13:34.000 Yeah, he's like a slick boxer.

00:13:40.000 He sent a trap for you.

00:13:42.000 Just come out of the closet, boy.

00:13:44.000 Like, what the fuck?

00:13:45.000 The problem is, that's one of the reasons why young boys will always accuse each other of being gay.

00:13:50.000 Because it's so hard to prove you're not.

00:13:52.000 Yeah, it's so hard.

00:13:54.000 When someone says you're gay, like, hey!

00:13:57.000 You take that off me! 0.98

00:14:00.000 Dude, that's crazy, man.

00:14:02.000 The worst has got to be if someone says you're gay and you are, but you don't want to admit it.

00:14:07.000 Oh, yeah, that'd be scary.

00:14:08.000 Shit!

00:14:09.000 Yeah, you change your clothes, the next day you come dressed like in a mafia outfit or something, like something to totally take them hot off the trail, you know?

00:14:16.000 Or you just wish you could say you were.

00:14:18.000 Yeah.

00:14:18.000 You know, you wish you could say you were.

00:14:20.000 I think now you can.

00:14:21.000 I think, yeah.

00:14:22.000 You still can in a lot of places.

00:14:24.000 I mean, I would love to think that everybody's like the people that are around us, where they literally don't give a fuck.

00:14:30.000 If you're Justin Martindale or...

00:14:31.000 Look, our language is funny, and after that, it's cool to be around.

00:14:37.000 Those are the things that are most valuable in our world.

00:14:40.000 Funny and cool to be around.

00:14:41.000 Those two things.

00:14:42.000 If someone's funny and cool to be around, we don't give a fuck if you're a guy, a girl, trans, gay, funny...

00:14:50.000 Ghost.

00:14:50.000 Cool to be around.

00:14:51.000 You could be a ghost.

00:14:51.000 Yeah.

00:14:52.000 Do you think there's ghosts at the comedy store?

00:14:57.000 I don't know.

00:14:59.000 I had some friends the other day.

00:15:00.000 I was trying to give them the whole tour.

00:15:01.000 Tell them how it used to be Ciro's nightclub.

00:15:03.000 I didn't take them all the way, but I showed them how you go through the back room of the main room.

00:15:12.000 That used to be their hideout and shit.

00:15:15.000 I told them about all the ghost stories that have been filmed there.

00:15:19.000 But I don't believe it.

00:15:21.000 I don't think it's real.

00:15:22.000 Well, I think I'm surprised we don't have more ghost animals.

00:15:25.000 You know what I think?

00:15:26.000 I think it's you.

00:15:27.000 This is what I think.

00:15:28.000 For real.

00:15:29.000 I think you can probably tune in to something that happened in a place.

00:15:36.000 That's what I think.

00:15:38.000 And I think if you trip yourself out, you could see things that aren't really there.

00:15:42.000 And I think that it is entirely possible that ghosts aren't real, but that you seeing a ghost is real.

00:15:50.000 That I think that you can get your body into such a frenzied, terrified state, and if you are open to the idea that a ghost is a real thing, your mind can fuck with you.

00:16:01.000 Like the ghetto boys. 1.00

00:16:02.000 Your mind's playing tricks on you?

00:16:04.000 Yeah, that's what I think.

00:16:05.000 I think legitimately, and I also think that if you hit the right frequency, I bet you can pull up just a ghost of a memory of someone getting killed in a place or something horrible happening.

00:16:15.000 Just a ghost of a memory.

00:16:17.000 Oh, I think that's next.

00:16:18.000 That's one of the next things.

00:16:20.000 You're going to be able to do a gang sign in the air, a special gang sign, and then the truth is going to pop out right in front of you.

00:16:25.000 I think we're going to start to learn...

00:16:26.000 Like Harry Potter type shit?

00:16:28.000 Yes, or maybe a song.

00:16:29.000 What if a certain playing of lyrics or notes in a row would reveal the past right in front of you?

00:16:36.000 I wonder if there's some magic little warpholes or something.

00:16:39.000 Well, think about what music does do.

00:16:42.000 Music literally changes the way your body feels like a drug.

00:16:45.000 Like, if you were a kid, okay, and you heard that Rocky song, you could run faster, you would get more fired up, you'd be able to do more push-ups or more chin-ups.

00:16:58.000 Punch your fucking stepdad. 0.61

00:17:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:17:00.000 But you will.

00:17:01.000 Probably a lot of dudes.

00:17:02.000 Probably.

00:17:03.000 But the point is, you would, for sure, get energy from that.

00:17:08.000 Like a drug.

00:17:08.000 Yes.

00:17:08.000 Like, if that was a cup of coffee, you'd be like, woo, this coffee!

00:17:11.000 This coffee's good!

00:17:14.000 Right?

00:17:14.000 You hear that song?

00:17:15.000 Yeah.

00:17:15.000 Yeah, dude.

00:17:16.000 You put up that video the other day.

00:17:18.000 Oh yeah, that video that I reposted.

00:17:20.000 The vibrations.

00:17:20.000 The sand, yeah.

00:17:21.000 If you look deep into this topic of vibrations and symbols that come out and different light patterns.

00:17:26.000 Explain to people what we're talking about.

00:17:27.000 It's kind of difficult.

00:17:28.000 It's hard, but I posted it on my Instagram.

00:17:30.000 I reposted it because it's really fascinating.

00:17:33.000 This is a black mat?

00:17:34.000 It seems like it's just a mat that's charged, right?

00:17:37.000 Yeah, it's being vibrated.

00:17:39.000 Let's explain what's happening for the people who are just listening.

00:17:41.000 I'm not going to play this video because it'll probably get taken down.

00:17:43.000 It's got a lot of views.

00:17:43.000 There's lots of different versions of this online.

00:17:46.000 It says, amazing resonance experiment.

00:17:51.000 So they put some sand.

00:17:52.000 Is it sand?

00:17:53.000 This is probably salt.

00:17:54.000 Okay, they put some sort of powdered stuff, sand or salt, onto a black mat that's charged, and then they send certain hertz through it.

00:18:04.000 This one's 3,835 hertz.

00:18:06.000 And then it makes a different pattern.

00:18:08.000 That's crazy.

00:18:09.000 Look at this, 3,975.

00:18:12.000 Like, every time they change the hertz, it has a different pattern.

00:18:16.000 Look at that, 4,049.

00:18:17.000 Look at this pattern.

00:18:19.000 So these hurts are waves.

00:18:20.000 That's unbelievable.

00:18:21.000 And these are also, you can take these numbers and these can also be notes.

00:18:27.000 That's a dark art, man.

00:18:28.000 That you're used to seeing on a piano or you're used to hearing or singing.

00:18:31.000 Right.

00:18:31.000 So these can also be recreated in other ways and are probably happening to us.

00:18:37.000 That's how maybe one of those earworms you hear makes your...

00:18:42.000 Then the back of your neck vibrate or something like that.

00:18:44.000 What if a certain hertz just spelled your grandparents' name? 0.98

00:18:49.000 Well, what's interesting is that each one of them are different geometric patterns.

00:18:53.000 They're these beautiful patterns.

00:18:54.000 They're gorgeous.

00:18:55.000 And as you change the hertz, the patterns morph.

00:18:58.000 Immediately.

00:18:59.000 Yeah.

00:18:59.000 But the thing is, they're kind of fractal.

00:19:03.000 Not fractal, but they seem to be...

00:19:06.000 What's the word?

00:19:07.000 Equal on both sides.

00:19:08.000 What's that word?

00:19:09.000 What's the word I'm looking for?

00:19:10.000 Parallel?

00:19:11.000 No.

00:19:12.000 I think you're on the right topic.

00:19:13.000 If the number is a little more round, like a round number, these are not specific hertz.

00:19:20.000 Twins?

00:19:20.000 No, not twins.

00:19:21.000 I'm looking for different than identical.

00:19:22.000 But anyway, both sides are exactly the same, and it's separated.

00:19:26.000 In this one, it's not separated in a half.

00:19:29.000 It's all like the circle is the center.

00:19:32.000 And it all goes out from there, but they're different.

00:19:34.000 But they're all even.

00:19:36.000 The only thing that's keeping it from being perfect is that they run out of sand.

00:19:39.000 And it looks like the power is centered around the center part where the wires are connected to.

00:19:44.000 So that's the most potent.

00:19:46.000 It's fucking beautiful!

00:19:47.000 So if you think about that like in a...

00:19:50.000 Maybe if there's a certain hertz going through the air, like in space, then it would form like a solar system, I guess.

00:19:58.000 Well, I'll do you one better.

00:19:59.000 The feeling that you get from like Rocky, right?

00:20:02.000 The feeling that you get from that song.

00:20:04.000 Oh, because that thing's going through your body.

00:20:06.000 Yes.

00:20:07.000 Yeah, it literally could be like a little drug.

00:20:10.000 Look, think about why people like music so much.

00:20:14.000 Because that musician is your drug dealer.

00:20:17.000 Yeah.

00:20:18.000 Okay, you hear like some old Elton John, like you're in your car and Saturday night comes on.

00:20:25.000 You're fucking goosebumps.

00:20:27.000 If you haven't heard that song in a long time and you don't expect it, oh, fuck yeah.

00:20:33.000 Jesse had a friend.

00:20:35.000 But that one makes you want to, you know?

00:20:37.000 That's a good song too.

00:20:38.000 But that vibe is good.

00:20:40.000 This was done with, like I was saying, with musical notes on water.

00:20:45.000 Wow.

00:20:45.000 We're looking at the thing that says the CYMAScope.

00:20:48.000 Is that how you say that?

00:20:50.000 CYMAScope uses a high-definition camera to monitor the effects of an individual sound's particular vibrations on purified water, revealing for the first time what piano notes look like.

00:21:01.000 Fuck!

00:21:02.000 There are people out there so much smarter than you and me.

00:21:05.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:06.000 Oh, God.

00:21:07.000 It's amazing that we're considered the same thing.

00:21:11.000 As what, smart people?

00:21:12.000 As really smart people.

00:21:13.000 When I have someone like Sean Carroll in, the physicist, and he has to break down particle physics and shit to you, you're like...

00:21:21.000 Is it hard?

00:21:23.000 It doesn't even get in.

00:21:24.000 I can repeat what he said.

00:21:27.000 I don't know what the fuck it means.

00:21:28.000 When people start talking about quantum things and quantum theory and quantum particles.

00:21:33.000 There's danger.

00:21:34.000 Dude, I don't get it.

00:21:35.000 I don't trust that kind of stuff, a lot of it.

00:21:37.000 Well, how about, you know what superposition is?

00:21:40.000 It's the ultimate what the fuck.

00:21:42.000 Where a particle can be in a state of motion and be still at the same time.

00:21:47.000 I'm like, well, good luck with that.

00:21:49.000 Good luck with this magic world that you've created.

00:21:52.000 Crazy scientist that I don't understand.

00:21:54.000 Yeah, I would rather do something more chill than that.

00:21:57.000 What the fuck?

00:21:58.000 Something can stay...

00:21:59.000 You know?

00:21:59.000 Ride a bike or go for a run or something.

00:22:01.000 Oh, you mean rather than study that or rather than be that particle?

00:22:05.000 Oh, rather than study that and be...

00:22:06.000 Yeah, like I just think...

00:22:08.000 But don't you want someone to know?

00:22:10.000 Because don't you benefit from cell phones?

00:22:13.000 Well, what about the...

00:22:14.000 Such few people know that if they all wanted to lie to us, then they could.

00:22:19.000 They would have to be conspiracy.

00:22:21.000 Now you're starting to sound like some other people I know.

00:22:26.000 Let's go get some tinfoil.

00:22:31.000 I didn't know that's funny that your body would do that.

00:22:34.000 The reason why they would never do that is because a scientist's whole deal is figuring out shit that other scientists didn't figure out.

00:22:41.000 That's like the best thing they can do.

00:22:43.000 The best thing a scientist can do is a real honest-to-goodness breakthrough.

00:22:48.000 Would you have sex with a scientist, you think?

00:22:51.000 Yeah, like a movie scientist, like she keeps the glasses on. 0.93

00:22:54.000 Yeah.

00:22:54.000 They're always blonde in the movies, right?

00:22:56.000 No, sometimes they have dark black hair, too, mysterious.

00:22:59.000 I bet they're clean, too.

00:23:00.000 If you fuck a scientist, dude, I bet they have a clean apartment. 0.74

00:23:03.000 Maybe, but maybe not.

00:23:05.000 Maybe their fucking brain is like that chalkboard with all the squiggly alien mathematics on it.

00:23:10.000 Oh, that's true, huh?

00:23:11.000 Yeah, what if they have a bunch of shit tattooed, a bunch of dirty math tattooed around their puss? 1.00

00:23:15.000 I was reading this thing about Richard Feynman.

00:23:19.000 You know who Feynman was?

00:23:20.000 Feynman was a scientist.

00:23:21.000 He was a physicist.

00:23:23.000 And there was an article about him, like, was Feynman an abuser?

00:23:30.000 But it was talking about Richard Feynman and how his wife said he used to just do nothing but calculations all day, and then he wanted to play the bongos, and he didn't want anybody to bother him.

00:23:43.000 But he had a quote from one of his books, and it's crazy reading it.

00:23:51.000 See if you can find it, because it's a crazy quote calling women bitches.

00:23:58.000 And I'm like, what?!

00:24:03.000 I don't want to paraphrase it.

00:24:05.000 He's like, I can't deal with these bitches around here? 1.00

00:24:07.000 I think he was a funny guy, is what I think.

00:24:10.000 It's hard when you see things in text, because you think, okay, maybe he's a really mean, terrible person.

00:24:17.000 See, I adopted the attitude that those bar girls are all bitches, that they aren't worth anything, and that all they're in there for is to get you to buy them a drink, and they're not going to give you a goddamn thing. 1.00

00:24:30.000 I'm not going to be a gentleman to such worthless bitches and so on, he writes. 0.99

00:24:34.000 See, but I feel like and so on, when someone says and so on, that implies that this is taken out of context.

00:24:40.000 It sounds like a white dude or a black dude.

00:24:41.000 I want to know what does that mean and so on.

00:24:43.000 That means to me what I'm getting out of this, if I was going to guess, is that he goes on.

00:24:49.000 He elaborates.

00:24:49.000 He might say, this is how I felt back then and obviously I changed my mind.

00:24:54.000 I mean, he could have been 18 when he was talking about this or 16. I don't know what the fuck this is about.

00:24:59.000 Right.

00:25:00.000 But he also could be very funny, because he was apparently a very funny guy.

00:25:05.000 So the title of his book is Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman.

00:25:09.000 Oh, that's nice, then.

00:25:11.000 But if someone said that, but I doubt that all these bar girls are bitches, if they said it funny, could you see those same words? 1.00

00:25:20.000 I thought they had all these ball girls and bitches. 1.00

00:25:22.000 But it's all really depending upon how old he is, too.

00:25:25.000 Or it could be that that's really how he was.

00:25:28.000 And maybe he got married.

00:25:29.000 Maybe he got in trouble with his wife and he had to say this.

00:25:31.000 You know?

00:25:32.000 I don't think that's it.

00:25:33.000 I think he's talking about when he was younger.

00:25:36.000 I could see that though, dude.

00:25:37.000 You're at the bar.

00:25:38.000 If you don't like real loud music and all the girls are just drinking with a bunch of... 1.00

00:25:42.000 I would be like, oh, these girls are a bunch of bitches probably. 1.00

00:25:44.000 Yeah, but that's a lazy way of thinking.

00:25:46.000 It is a lazy way of thinking.

00:25:47.000 It just makes it...

00:25:47.000 So you can judge and you can control the scenario.

00:25:50.000 The thing is, look, if you go into a room and ten girls are in there and seven of them are fucking super annoying and you say these bitches are all annoying, you're being super rude to those three that aren't. 1.00

00:26:01.000 Yeah.

00:26:02.000 And there might be some decent girls. 1.00

00:26:04.000 But that's why it's weird.

00:26:05.000 It's weird to hear a high-level, famous scientist probably, I think in the article they were saying, beyond Einstein, he's the second most famous physicist.

00:26:20.000 Especially a scientist, because you'd think a scientist would know that a couple of these bitches could be variables. 1.00

00:26:25.000 Right, that's why I'm thinking this might have been a quote from him when he was young.

00:26:29.000 Yeah.

00:26:29.000 That's crazy that I think that he said that.

00:26:31.000 Or him criticizing himself when he was young.

00:26:34.000 But I don't know.

00:26:34.000 I'm just guessing.

00:26:35.000 I was hoping that it would be that.

00:26:37.000 Man, that's crazy to read that.

00:26:39.000 Dude, sometimes I miss being young, man.

00:26:41.000 Don't you miss it sometimes?

00:26:43.000 Well, no and yes.

00:26:46.000 Like, it looks like fun to have no responsibility and to be 22 and be backpacking around the world or doing something silly and not having a place where you have to go or a bunch of bills, but...

00:26:57.000 On the other hand, I feel so fucking ridiculously lucky that I get to be a comedian.

00:27:06.000 I don't want to try to do this again.

00:27:10.000 Why would I try to do this when I'm doing this?

00:27:14.000 Yeah, but to go back, I just miss being young and like, remember a nap, man?

00:27:18.000 When you took a nap when you were young, it could last, you fucking didn't care, it could last for three days.

00:27:22.000 Yes, but I think one of the secrets to happiness is to never look back at any point in your life and wish you were back there.

00:27:29.000 Because A, it's not possible.

00:27:32.000 And B, if you didn't go through that, you wouldn't be you.

00:27:35.000 If you would go back now and be 22 again and broke and fucked up with all the information you have now, you'd be like, shit!

00:27:41.000 Y'all don't know.

00:27:42.000 I had a fucking Netflix special.

00:27:44.000 You guys don't know.

00:27:45.000 I was killing it out there.

00:27:46.000 I decided to start over like an asshole.

00:27:48.000 Now here I am.

00:27:49.000 Oh, yeah, I'm young, but I'm broke.

00:27:50.000 I can't even afford vitamins.

00:27:52.000 What the fuck, man?

00:27:53.000 I don't want to beat that guy again.

00:27:55.000 That's the first thing Joe wants is to get some vitamins.

00:27:58.000 I work out hard, man.

00:27:59.000 I got to take care of my body.

00:28:01.000 No, you're right, man.

00:28:02.000 I got to feed it the right food.

00:28:03.000 I can't afford ramen noodle.

00:28:04.000 I'm eating ramen noodle every day.

00:28:05.000 I'm going to start breaking joints.

00:28:07.000 Yeah.

00:28:08.000 I'm going to have real problems.

00:28:08.000 That's true.

00:28:09.000 I'm going to tear muscles and shit.

00:28:11.000 Yeah, you're going to be eating owl.

00:28:12.000 Yeah, man.

00:28:13.000 I don't mean fucking catching squirrels in my yard.

00:28:15.000 That's when it gets bad.

00:28:16.000 I'm not joking about that either.

00:28:18.000 I miss my body being young, dude.

00:28:20.000 How old are you?

00:28:21.000 I'm 38. Shut your mouth.

00:28:23.000 You're fine.

00:28:23.000 You just got to work out.

00:28:24.000 Yeah.

00:28:25.000 You don't work out, huh?

00:28:26.000 I just started getting back into it.

00:28:27.000 Yeah, that's all it is.

00:28:28.000 Doing some yoga, and I want to go try Brazilian jiu-jitsu downtown.

00:28:31.000 Slow down with that.

00:28:33.000 Get yourself in shape first.

00:28:34.000 Yeah, that's what I'm realizing.

00:28:36.000 Yeah, my advice.

00:28:37.000 Because if you're trying to explode and get out of things, look, don't listen to me.

00:28:40.000 You can start jiu-jitsu and be in terrible shape and get in shape through jiu-jitsu.

00:28:44.000 You can.

00:28:44.000 Yeah.

00:28:45.000 Absolutely.

00:28:45.000 But if I was going to advise someone, I would say, if you're going to do something that's as physical as jujitsu, I believe that you should armor your body.

00:28:56.000 What I mean by that is like your shoulders, your knees, your back, your neck.

00:29:01.000 Those are all areas that if you don't work out at all...

00:29:06.000 They could break.

00:29:06.000 Susceptible.

00:29:07.000 They're susceptible.

00:29:08.000 So I would always advise that someone does a bunch of calisthenics, particularly like the classics.

00:29:14.000 Push-ups, sit-ups, body weight, squats, chin-ups.

00:29:18.000 All those classics.

00:29:20.000 Do a lot of those.

00:29:22.000 Just get your body accustomed to resistance training.

00:29:25.000 Right.

00:29:26.000 Do that first.

00:29:27.000 Then I would always start with calisthenics.

00:29:31.000 Always start with that.

00:29:31.000 And then from that, move into weights.

00:29:34.000 Do some kettlebells.

00:29:35.000 Take a couple of months.

00:29:36.000 You can take a couple of months before you just jump right into jiu-jitsu.

00:29:39.000 But if you're an athlete, then you can just jump right in.

00:29:42.000 If your guy already does basketball, you already wrestle, oh yeah, jump right in.

00:29:45.000 But a guy who doesn't do any exercise at all, jiu-jitsu is so rough on you.

00:29:50.000 Yeah, I used to do exercise.

00:29:51.000 I mean, I used to do...

00:29:52.000 Dude, we used to shoot up steroids on the side of the interstate when I was growing up.

00:29:55.000 Shoot on the side of the road?

00:29:57.000 Why wouldn't you go home?

00:29:58.000 It was more of an outdoor thing, I felt like.

00:30:00.000 You know?

00:30:01.000 I didn't want to bring that shit in the house, really.

00:30:03.000 But we would...

00:30:04.000 Me and a buddy of mine, this dude, Billy Conforto, actually.

00:30:07.000 And he passed away, RIP. And he died.

00:30:10.000 He ate a bunch of pills and actually drove into an embankment one time, but...

00:30:13.000 That's a bad way to go.

00:30:15.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:16.000 Can you imagine?

00:30:16.000 That's a bad way to go.

00:30:18.000 And he...

00:30:18.000 But he was a busboy.

00:30:20.000 And I was a busboy.

00:30:22.000 And he would, and yeah, we both liked to go to the gym.

00:30:26.000 And he was like the first gay man that I ever met.

00:30:28.000 And then he, you know, one time he got us some steroids or something.

00:30:34.000 I don't know.

00:30:34.000 I think everybody was doing them.

00:30:36.000 And then we just, yeah, we'd pull over and do them.

00:30:39.000 And then just go to the gym, you know?

00:30:43.000 Dude, one time a guy in New York said I'm going to get some drugs in the middle of the night.

00:30:45.000 He went, came back three hours later with steroids.

00:30:48.000 He's like, you want to fucking party?

00:30:49.000 Wow, he was partying with steroids?

00:30:51.000 I was like, fuck no, bro.

00:30:54.000 I'm leaving tomorrow.

00:30:54.000 How long did you live in New York for?

00:30:56.000 I was there for about eight months.

00:30:57.000 How come?

00:30:58.000 So I was just kind of trying out the comedy scene there and seeing what it was like.

00:31:01.000 Why'd you decide to leave?

00:31:04.000 I don't know.

00:31:04.000 I guess I just wanted like a new...

00:31:05.000 Here's what it was.

00:31:06.000 I never wanted to get old and say that I didn't try it.

00:31:09.000 To go to LA? To try New York.

00:31:11.000 Oh, I see.

00:31:13.000 Right.

00:31:13.000 To never have...

00:31:13.000 Even just six months.

00:31:14.000 Even just have like an experience there, you know?

00:31:16.000 Well, it's a hotbed, for sure.

00:31:19.000 The two hotbeds right now are here and there.

00:31:22.000 Yeah.

00:31:22.000 Those are the two hotbeds.

00:31:23.000 And there's all this debate as to, like, which one's better or whatever.

00:31:26.000 It's silly.

00:31:28.000 That's a great hotbed.

00:31:29.000 Yeah.

00:31:29.000 There's no denying that there's some world-class comedians over there.

00:31:33.000 And then there's ones that show up there and here, like Chappelle.

00:31:36.000 He's always bouncing back and forth.

00:31:37.000 Chris Rock was always bouncing back and forth.

00:31:39.000 Louis when he was working in here.

00:31:41.000 But Louis is working again.

00:31:42.000 He's working at the Improv right now.

00:31:44.000 Louis C.K. In San Jose.

00:31:45.000 Yeah.

00:31:46.000 Oh, wow.

00:31:47.000 That's cool.

00:31:47.000 I think he's going to sell out a world tour in like a year.

00:31:49.000 For sure.

00:31:50.000 For sure.

00:31:51.000 Or next month, even, if he wanted to.

00:31:53.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:31:54.000 You know, I mean, it's interesting.

00:31:56.000 This whole bit about the Parkland shooting, you know, that stirred up all this controversy.

00:32:02.000 That is such a Louis C.K. bit.

00:32:05.000 It's interesting.

00:32:06.000 It's almost like people don't understand what kind of comedy he did.

00:32:09.000 Right.

00:32:10.000 Yeah, it's like suddenly they forget who he was.

00:32:11.000 I mean, if you look at his comedy, you're not even surprised that he was jerking off, you know, kind of room service sort of deal, you know?

00:32:17.000 But his style has always been like that.

00:32:22.000 I mean, his style is always very irreverent, saying fucked up shit you can't believe he sang, and, you know, well-written and well-thought-out stuff.

00:32:32.000 This is stuff he's working on.

00:32:34.000 And this is people like, you know, how could he joke?

00:32:36.000 It wasn't even that good.

00:32:37.000 He probably wrote it that day or two days before.

00:32:41.000 Who knows how many times he's done that bit.

00:32:43.000 But I guarantee you, the guy takes 10 months off of stand-up and then he's starting to do it again.

00:32:49.000 He was scared, I bet.

00:32:51.000 I don't think I would ever joke around about that.

00:32:53.000 I definitely wouldn't joke around about But you can.

00:32:56.000 Yeah.

00:32:57.000 Out of the gate, I don't know if I would.

00:32:59.000 It just wasn't his best stuff.

00:33:01.000 It wasn't good.

00:33:03.000 It's like it wasn't ready.

00:33:04.000 Yeah.

00:33:04.000 But maybe he could have come up with a different turn on it where it wouldn't be as offensive and it would be way funnier.

00:33:11.000 That's what working on a bit is all about.

00:33:13.000 Right.

00:33:13.000 Like, fuck, look, Holtzman.

00:33:15.000 Brian Holtzman, if he had said that exact same thing that Louis said, we would be howling.

00:33:20.000 Yeah.

00:33:20.000 We'd be in the back of the room, slapping the table, howling, laughing.

00:33:24.000 Right.

00:33:24.000 Yeah.

00:33:24.000 Buy an artsman!

00:33:27.000 You don't get to talk because you put the fucking fat kid in the way! 0.99

00:33:31.000 That's a bit that if Holtzman said we would be crying, we'd be slapping the table, we'd all gather around and watch him on a late night set.

00:33:40.000 It wouldn't be an issue.

00:33:40.000 Right?

00:33:40.000 It wouldn't be an issue at all.

00:33:41.000 Because we know that it's humor.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, it's a fucked up thing to say.

00:33:45.000 That's kind of the point.

00:33:47.000 The whole art form is about saying things that are funny.

00:33:51.000 Sometimes saying things that are funny are self-deprecating.

00:33:53.000 Sometimes they're fucked up.

00:33:55.000 They're always different.

00:33:56.000 Sometimes saying things that are funny is really adorable.

00:33:59.000 Sometimes someone will say something that's real adorable, but also hilarious.

00:34:03.000 Or your act.

00:34:04.000 This is odd.

00:34:06.000 Odd and hilarious.

00:34:07.000 Just very, very Theo Vaughn.

00:34:10.000 If I had to describe your act, I'd say it's very Theo Vaughn.

00:34:13.000 Really?

00:34:13.000 Yeah, it's you.

00:34:14.000 You know how to do it.

00:34:15.000 But it's like, everybody does it different, folks.

00:34:18.000 And you take a set from someone who's just working stuff out, and you pretend that this is done.

00:34:25.000 He's probably, half those words he's saying, he's probably trying to be in the moment.

00:34:30.000 He's probably got a place to go, kind of got some punchlines, and hoping that he'll see something in it while he's doing it and working it out.

00:34:38.000 And then you listen to the recording and you go, why did I say it that way?

00:34:41.000 Why did I do this?

00:34:43.000 And you change that and add this.

00:34:45.000 You have to learn.

00:34:47.000 Yeah.

00:34:47.000 And then, you know, you just can't expect them all to be good either.

00:34:51.000 Not immediately.

00:34:53.000 Especially when the guy's been on trial or been under that social pressure or probably been dealing with remorse and going to self-help.

00:35:03.000 I mean, who knows what he's been doing.

00:35:04.000 This is my take on a lot of this, and I think this is an important thing to say.

00:35:09.000 We can't lose our empathy.

00:35:11.000 We can't lose our compassion.

00:35:13.000 We should be compassionate towards victims.

00:35:17.000 We should be compassionate towards each other.

00:35:21.000 This tendency to want to stop people from working and being – There's a certain amount of time where it passes and it starts to look like you don't want anyone to have a path to redemption.

00:35:35.000 Right.

00:35:36.000 Everyone's got to have a path to redemption.

00:35:38.000 We have to, because we're all faulty.

00:35:39.000 We're all human.

00:35:40.000 But there was an article about it that I just retweeted today from Nick Christakis, who is a professor at Yale.

00:35:49.000 I retweeted it today, earlier, and it's about call-out culture and these people that got called out for things and how it destroyed their lives.

00:35:57.000 People that you don't even know.

00:35:59.000 Yeah.

00:35:59.000 One small punk scene where these two people got called out for stuff, but it's like, oh, the subscription.

00:36:06.000 They got us with a subscription.

00:36:08.000 Got to subscribe to the New York Times, bro.

00:36:10.000 You got to pay for good journalism.

00:36:11.000 I pay.

00:36:12.000 I'm having this account, actually, if you want to use mine.

00:36:14.000 Do you have a Times account?

00:36:17.000 I think I do.

00:36:18.000 I had one, but I tried to renew the other day, and I couldn't because these cunts stole my fucking American Express card, and I didn't get my new one yet. 1.00

00:36:27.000 Who did the people wear it?

00:36:28.000 On an airplane?

00:36:29.000 Oh, some fucking piece of shit criminals.

00:36:31.000 Yeah.

00:36:32.000 Fucking crazy.

00:36:33.000 They started charging up shit.

00:36:34.000 One of them was Toys R Us in India.

00:36:37.000 Oh, wow.

00:36:37.000 Okay.

00:36:38.000 Dude, I love seeing what people charge when they do steal from you.

00:36:40.000 It is kind of fun, isn't it?

00:36:41.000 Isn't it crazy?

00:36:42.000 You're like pissed that they stole, but you're like, oh, wow.

00:36:44.000 A lot of it was $1.

00:36:46.000 They got an ottoman.

00:36:47.000 A lot of it was $1.

00:36:48.000 And I was like, what are you doing?

00:36:51.000 Maybe they bang the card out for like $101.

00:36:54.000 Or maybe it's got a snack.

00:36:55.000 Sometimes you run in places to get a snack, get a gum.

00:36:58.000 No, I think so.

00:36:59.000 It was all online stuff.

00:37:01.000 I bought a Reese or something the other day.

00:37:03.000 It was $0.88.

00:37:04.000 Yeah, that would be a stupid thing to hit someone's card for.

00:37:07.000 You'd want to get a jewel.

00:37:08.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:37:09.000 Get one of those really expensive vape pens.

00:37:11.000 Yeah.

00:37:13.000 Get him up for that 29 bucks. 0.98

00:37:16.000 How crazy, though, that that's the future, that now it's like that.

00:37:19.000 Like, I was thinking the other day that having a baby inside of your body, this is going to be like the last...

00:37:26.000 Retro.

00:37:26.000 Yeah, retro.

00:37:27.000 That's becoming retro.

00:37:28.000 Yo, they're going to take it out for sure.

00:37:30.000 There was a baby that was born today inside the amniotic sac.

00:37:34.000 Did you see that?

00:37:35.000 That's a damn goldfish, isn't it?

00:37:36.000 Oh, it's crazy.

00:37:39.000 You're seeing the baby inside the sack.

00:37:43.000 I mean, I don't know what the story was, because I'm a notorious headline reader.

00:37:47.000 I read headliners.

00:37:48.000 I just Googled it, and it's not a thing.

00:37:52.000 It happens, apparently.

00:37:54.000 Well, I don't care if it happens all the time.

00:37:57.000 I want to see it.

00:37:57.000 There's 16 incredible photos of babies born.

00:37:59.000 But it was an article that was going around the internet today.

00:38:03.000 Baby born.

00:38:03.000 It's a video of the baby moving around inside this sack.

00:38:09.000 It's very weird.

00:38:10.000 That's a damn...

00:38:10.000 You got it?

00:38:11.000 There's one on YouTube here.

00:38:12.000 That's a dumpling, dude, if you're downtown, huh?

00:38:14.000 What is that?

00:38:15.000 Yeah, it's a dumpling.

00:38:16.000 They're very small.

00:38:17.000 It's not that.

00:38:18.000 Oh, wow.

00:38:20.000 See if you can find it.

00:38:21.000 I believe I saw it on Instagram.

00:38:25.000 Let me see that baby, man.

00:38:27.000 Do you think when babies are born, right when they're born...

00:38:29.000 Look at that, though.

00:38:30.000 That's basically the same thing.

00:38:32.000 That's the baby inside the sack.

00:38:33.000 That's one of those things they eat sometimes on those game shows.

00:38:37.000 Oh, so I'm guessing this is a cesarean section.

00:38:40.000 It happens once every 80,000 births.

00:38:42.000 That is amazing that you can see what the baby looks like when it's in there.

00:38:46.000 Holy crap, that's incredible.

00:38:48.000 That's crazy.

00:38:49.000 Oh, it's Spanish. 0.94

00:38:51.000 It was in Spain.

00:38:51.000 Human beings making human beings...

00:38:54.000 That's crazy, huh?

00:38:55.000 This is exactly what I saw.

00:38:56.000 This one is exactly what I saw.

00:38:58.000 How crazy is that?

00:39:00.000 Might be upsetting for some.

00:39:02.000 You're about to see the amniotic sac being opened.

00:39:05.000 Looks like an old man.

00:39:06.000 Upsetting?

00:39:07.000 That's how we exist.

00:39:08.000 Yeah, but people aren't ready for life.

00:39:10.000 We're going to keep you from life.

00:39:12.000 We're going to keep you from everything.

00:39:13.000 There it is.

00:39:14.000 Bam, the sac.

00:39:15.000 Oh, shit.

00:39:16.000 Kids free.

00:39:17.000 Oh, wow.

00:39:17.000 Ooh, you could see a little bit of butt on that one.

00:39:19.000 Oh, Lordy.

00:39:22.000 Yeah, that is crazy.

00:39:24.000 Do you ever think that maybe if a baby is born a certain way, like missionary or doggy style, that it could affect the way that they live their life?

00:39:32.000 I thought about that before.

00:39:33.000 Well, you should probably understand how babies are born.

00:39:35.000 They have to come out head first.

00:39:37.000 If the baby comes out doggy style, you've got to spin them around inside the womb, literally.

00:39:40.000 Okay, but what if the person is doggy style when they have the baby, though?

00:39:44.000 Oh, different thing.

00:39:45.000 Yeah, your kid's probably going to be a freak.

00:39:48.000 Yeah, that's great.

00:39:49.000 If you doggy style it...

00:39:50.000 Yeah, doggy style is like, we're not making love, we're fucking.

00:39:54.000 Yeah, doggy style is basically just kind of...

00:39:56.000 Yeah, it's like getting to know each other quickly.

00:39:59.000 Well, it's just a different kind of fucking.

00:40:01.000 Yeah.

00:40:02.000 It's like, oh, this is some dirty shit.

00:40:04.000 Yeah, it's fast.

00:40:06.000 Or slow.

00:40:07.000 Sometimes it depends on how you're feeling sometimes.

00:40:09.000 I missed sex when I was young, man.

00:40:11.000 Sober sex is for fucking kit. 1.00

00:40:13.000 What is this with you missing your youth?

00:40:15.000 I just love being young.

00:40:16.000 Look at this lady. 1.00

00:40:17.000 What are you doing?

00:40:18.000 I don't want to watch a lady give birth, you son of a bitch. 1.00

00:40:20.000 It's not video.

00:40:21.000 Get out of here.

00:40:22.000 She's in a river. 0.77

00:40:24.000 She's giving birth in a river.

00:40:25.000 It's cold in the river, you crazy bitch. 1.00

00:40:27.000 That's melted glaciers.

00:40:29.000 That's that Wim Hof birth, bro.

00:40:30.000 The fuck out of here.

00:40:30.000 You don't want to do that to your poor little kid.

00:40:33.000 And if it's not, then it's warm.

00:40:35.000 And if it's warm, it's filled with bacteria.

00:40:37.000 Get the fuck out of the river and go to the hospital, hippie! 1.00

00:40:43.000 No!

00:40:44.000 No, you can't have a baby in your bathtub if you live in fucking Brooklyn.

00:40:49.000 Go to the goddamn hospital!

00:40:51.000 It's right down the street.

00:40:52.000 Don't you love your kid?

00:40:53.000 Yeah.

00:40:54.000 You figured out a better way.

00:40:55.000 Look at this hippie. 0.58

00:40:56.000 Look at this lady. 1.00

00:40:57.000 First of all, she's in Australia.

00:41:01.000 Well, there's spiders that are going to crawl into her pussy right now and kill the baby before it even comes out. 1.00

00:41:06.000 They have seven of the eight most dangerous snakes in the world are in Australia.

00:41:09.000 I was trying to tell my friend Adam Greentree yesterday.

00:41:11.000 He doesn't want to believe me.

00:41:13.000 Very.

00:41:13.000 The brown snake, the Australian brown snake, dude?

00:41:15.000 Kill the shit out of you.

00:41:16.000 Oh, kill that little fucking creek, bitch. 1.00

00:41:18.000 Speaking of Australian brown snake, that's how she got pregnant in the first place. 1.00

00:41:21.000 Oh, you see what I did there?

00:41:25.000 Dude, a lot of...

00:41:26.000 Man, my sister almost got knocked up by a brother once, man. 0.87

00:41:29.000 Almost, huh?

00:41:29.000 You never know.

00:41:30.000 Yeah.

00:41:31.000 Almost.

00:41:31.000 What's almost?

00:41:32.000 He fucked her? 1.00

00:41:33.000 I mean, I don't know if they fucked, but they...

00:41:35.000 Well, that's almost.

00:41:36.000 They were thinking about baby names, so I would assume that they had had some type of interaction.

00:41:40.000 Oh, so they were going to do it on purpose?

00:41:43.000 I don't know.

00:41:43.000 I think that...

00:41:44.000 Well, they were thinking about baby names in case they fucked up? 0.87

00:41:46.000 Yeah.

00:41:46.000 Boy, that's a weird plan in the head.

00:41:48.000 How about just wear a condom or...

00:41:49.000 But I think that's a dude's move if you think you might have knocked a girl up and you still want to stay with her.

00:41:54.000 You'd be like, oh, let's talk about baby names, you know what I'm saying, until you ride out that... 0.99

00:41:57.000 Until you bail?

00:41:58.000 That menstrual cycle.

00:41:59.000 No, until you know that the menstrual cycle is back around.

00:42:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:02.000 You know?

00:42:03.000 Yeah.

00:42:04.000 Can people have a spiritual cycle on a full moon or not?

00:42:06.000 It's a weird thing if you're having sex with somebody and you like having sex with them, but you don't like hanging out with them.

00:42:13.000 Yeah.

00:42:13.000 That happens for guys and girls.

00:42:17.000 Yeah.

00:42:17.000 That happens for a lot of guys, I know.

00:42:19.000 Dude, it happens.

00:42:20.000 And girls, too.

00:42:21.000 It happens.

00:42:22.000 I've heard girls say that. 1.00

00:42:24.000 Like, I don't even like hanging out with them anymore, but I like fucking them.

00:42:26.000 It's changing now, and a lot more girls are being very much like guys used to be. 0.99

00:42:33.000 Well, they can be.

00:42:34.000 First, the birth control pill, then dating apps.

00:42:37.000 They can get a hold of people.

00:42:38.000 And money.

00:42:39.000 Yeah.

00:42:40.000 Now they have options.

00:42:41.000 Yeah, but the thing about dating apps, that's got to be...

00:42:51.000 Just as weird as dating for a girl.

00:42:54.000 Almost weirder, maybe, right?

00:42:56.000 Because you can't even see the person.

00:42:58.000 Right.

00:42:58.000 I mean, you can see pictures of them.

00:42:59.000 Yeah, but you don't see them when they're looking at your profile.

00:43:02.000 Right.

00:43:03.000 You should be able to see how they look at your profile.

00:43:05.000 How many people are looking at your profile at any given moment?

00:43:07.000 That's a nightmare in and of itself.

00:43:10.000 Yeah.

00:43:11.000 When you think about that, imagine people just looking at you and saying no in the distance all the time.

00:43:16.000 It has to be bad for us.

00:43:18.000 Somebody will say yes.

00:43:20.000 The thing is you're playing the numbers.

00:43:22.000 Maybe in that sense it's better because the only people that get a hold of you are the people that say yes.

00:43:27.000 Right.

00:43:27.000 So you miss all the no's.

00:43:28.000 That's true.

00:43:29.000 But what I was going to say is having a baby with someone that you don't really like.

00:43:34.000 Yeah.

00:43:35.000 That's a possibility.

00:43:36.000 If you just like to have sex with them, and then when you're done, you're like, I gotta go.

00:43:40.000 Yeah.

00:43:41.000 And you can't go because the baby's around.

00:43:43.000 People have fuck buddies.

00:43:44.000 Everyone has.

00:43:45.000 Guys and girls have fuck buddies.

00:43:47.000 Yeah.

00:43:48.000 Almost everyone I know has had one in the past where you weren't in a relationship with them, really.

00:43:54.000 You drive over and fuck. 1.00

00:43:55.000 And bang. 0.91

00:43:56.000 And then, all right, bye.

00:43:58.000 Yeah, bye.

00:43:59.000 But do you kiss at the end?

00:44:00.000 That's a lot of chicks these days, I think. 1.00

00:44:02.000 They don't even want to kiss you.

00:44:03.000 They don't even want to kiss you.

00:44:03.000 Someone don't even want to see you.

00:44:05.000 Sometimes you'll open the door, the girl's there, ready to fuck, and then just walks off in the other direction when you're done. 1.00

00:44:09.000 Yeah, she puts a blindfold on you.

00:44:11.000 She bird boxes you when you walk in the room.

00:44:12.000 Women are done with us, man. 1.00

00:44:14.000 They're done.

00:44:14.000 I feel like they're done.

00:44:15.000 Do you feel like that?

00:44:16.000 I think it's a precarious time.

00:44:19.000 A lot of chicks are probably going lesbo this week. 1.00

00:44:22.000 Especially with Trump, I think the more days that the government is shut down, the more women are going to go lesbian. 1.00

00:44:30.000 They're going to hate men so much because of Trump, they're just going to go gay. 1.00

00:44:35.000 Gay people right now are going, that's not how it works! 1.00

00:44:39.000 Duh.

00:44:39.000 Remember what I said earlier about jokes?

00:44:42.000 What's funny to me is gay guys are always like, I'm going to turn this guy out. 1.00

00:44:45.000 And that always sounds alarming.

00:44:46.000 That does work.

00:44:47.000 But that sounds alarming.

00:44:48.000 It does sound alarming.

00:44:50.000 But it does work.

00:44:51.000 I don't want to say his name.

00:44:52.000 I almost said his name.

00:44:54.000 He worked on...

00:44:56.000 He was not an actor, but he worked in the world of acting.

00:45:01.000 And he told me that he blew a lot of straight guys.

00:45:06.000 Mm-hmm.

00:45:07.000 He said that was just something that happened.

00:45:10.000 They'd have a couple drinks and pretend they'd never done it before.

00:45:12.000 Next thing you know...

00:45:13.000 Yeah.

00:45:15.000 I got that delicious mouth.

00:45:16.000 That's what a lot of gay dudes say.

00:45:19.000 It was either him doing them or them doing him.

00:45:22.000 But he's like, you'd be amazed at how many, you know, air quotes, straight guys are out there.

00:45:26.000 I'm like, whoa.

00:45:27.000 Yeah.

00:45:28.000 Maybe he just knows how to swing it.

00:45:30.000 But would you, do you think...

00:45:32.000 Is it less homosexual to jerk a guy off with your left hand? 0.85

00:45:38.000 Are you left-handed or right-handed?

00:45:39.000 Right-handed.

00:45:39.000 So yeah, if you jerk a guy off with your left hand.

00:45:41.000 It's gayer to do it with my left hand.

00:45:45.000 The one that doesn't work as well, because it'll take longer.

00:45:47.000 Yeah, but you don't really have...

00:45:48.000 But it's understandable.

00:45:50.000 I feel like it's understandable if you do it with your left hand, because that's barely even your hand.

00:45:54.000 No.

00:45:55.000 It's my hand, bro.

00:45:56.000 Yeah, whoa, whoa, relax.

00:45:58.000 I feel it.

00:45:58.000 It's going to be fine.

00:45:59.000 You're not going to feel that much of it, though.

00:46:00.000 No, you should jerk him off with your right hand, so you should be effective and get it done with, unless you like holding on to dicks longer.

00:46:06.000 Dude, I'm like, don't come yet!

00:46:07.000 Don't come yet!

00:46:08.000 You look at him, hey, buddy.

00:46:10.000 I'm right here.

00:46:11.000 I'm your pal.

00:46:12.000 I know what's going to happen.

00:46:13.000 You're going to come, and you're not going to want to hang out with me anymore.

00:46:16.000 Oh, gosh, man.

00:46:17.000 No, no, I wouldn't do that.

00:46:18.000 Just go faster.

00:46:18.000 Go faster.

00:46:19.000 No, I don't believe you.

00:46:22.000 Dude, I think you...

00:46:24.000 I think using that left hand, that's the party move, you know?

00:46:29.000 Because you can still use this hand to be on your phone.

00:46:32.000 You can do other stuff.

00:46:34.000 Then you're not concentrating on the jerking the guy off.

00:46:37.000 Look, once you commit to doing something gay, just get it done, son. 1.00

00:46:40.000 Just get after it.

00:46:41.000 That's true.

00:46:41.000 Okay?

00:46:42.000 You don't want to be out there halfway jerking a guy off while you're pretending that you're looking at your mentions, checking your email.

00:46:48.000 But also, what about this, though?

00:46:50.000 If you are aggressively, very effectively jerking a guy off, and then you can barely use your phone, it looks like you're just like maybe a gay or bi gentleman that's on some dope or something. 0.86

00:47:02.000 Listen, you're doing gay shit, whether you're on your phone or not. 1.00

00:47:04.000 Okay, that's a good point.

00:47:05.000 It's not like it acts as a condom to prevent you from gayness. 0.88

00:47:08.000 You're doing gay things, man. 1.00

00:47:10.000 You're holding on to a dick.

00:47:11.000 You just gotta accept that and keep moving.

00:47:13.000 There's a lot of gay people.

00:47:14.000 You're right.

00:47:14.000 Just take the next right action.

00:47:16.000 There's gay people doing shit that's gay. 0.99

00:47:18.000 There's straight people doing shit that's gay. 0.97

00:47:20.000 Oh, everything's changing now.

00:47:21.000 If you've chosen to jerk that man off, once you commit to that project, just keep going.

00:47:25.000 What's the payoff?

00:47:26.000 What do you got out of jerking him off?

00:47:28.000 I don't know.

00:47:28.000 I don't think.

00:47:29.000 Let me ask you this.

00:47:30.000 Here's a question.

00:47:31.000 Okay.

00:47:32.000 If there was a place...

00:47:33.000 Does this conversation seem gay or not?

00:47:36.000 If life was free, if you could really do whatever you want, if you're a grown adult, you could do whatever you want.

00:47:40.000 I mean, that's one of the interesting things about society, is that we set up these rules in cultures, and we decide what you can do, and what we decide is different when they decide in society.

00:47:51.000 Holland is different when they decide.

00:47:53.000 Yeah, everybody's got different rules.

00:47:54.000 But once we set those rules, it's very hard to buck those rules.

00:47:58.000 Now, let's just pretend there was no rules.

00:48:01.000 What if there was a place where guys would go and guys would jerk them off?

00:48:09.000 Like New Jerks. 1.00

00:48:10.000 Yeah, like, if there was a place where straight guys got a job jerking guys off, but you get paid $1,000 an hour, You don't think the straight guys would take that job, straight struggling guys,

00:48:26.000 that they would morph and figure out a way?

00:48:29.000 Oh, just over a generation or two.

00:48:31.000 Just a generation or two.

00:48:32.000 If you could make $1,000 an hour beating guys off.

00:48:35.000 Yeah.

00:48:35.000 It started as like a niche job.

00:48:38.000 If you could wear an oven mitt while you do it, I would do it.

00:48:40.000 Is it niche or niche?

00:48:41.000 Do we figure that out?

00:48:42.000 Okay.

00:48:43.000 If you could wear an oven mitt while you do it, I would do it.

00:48:45.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:48:46.000 Warm oil in your bare skin.

00:48:48.000 That's the only way to jerk guys off.

00:48:50.000 You gotta do it quick.

00:48:51.000 No way, bro.

00:48:53.000 Dude, there's way other ways, man.

00:48:56.000 You could definitely, dude.

00:48:57.000 One way you could do is even, you don't even wrap your hand, you just do like that, release sideways style.

00:49:01.000 It's like Kentucky Fried Chicken is only one batter.

00:49:04.000 That crispy batter's bullshit.

00:49:07.000 Nobody likes that crispy batter.

00:49:09.000 Get the fuck out of here with your crispy batter. 0.52

00:49:11.000 Dude, I'm trying to think.

00:49:12.000 If I had to jerk...

00:49:13.000 One thing about jerking off to me, I feel like there's not as much cum in your body as there could be.

00:49:18.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:49:19.000 You don't get that much out.

00:49:21.000 Well, it depends on what you're jerking off to and how focused you are on the task.

00:49:25.000 If you're jerking off while you're looking at your phone, but you're checking your Twitter and you're also beating off, you're a multitasker.

00:49:31.000 But you're not going to get a lot no matter how you do it.

00:49:35.000 Really?

00:49:36.000 Yeah, how much do you get?

00:49:37.000 You get like a little bit.

00:49:38.000 How much do you get?

00:49:42.000 Like if you had to compare it to something, like a quarter?

00:49:46.000 No, probably like maybe an eleventh of a handful, I guess.

00:49:52.000 I don't know.

00:49:52.000 How big is your hand?

00:49:55.000 Dude, do you still masturbate as an adult?

00:49:59.000 No, I do it as a child.

00:50:01.000 What I do is I put a diaper on.

00:50:03.000 It makes me feel like I'm rejuvenating myself.

00:50:07.000 I feel like you'd rip your dick off if you tried to masturbate, bro.

00:50:10.000 That's what I feel like.

00:50:12.000 Dude, I hold my kids' hands.

00:50:13.000 I know how to hold things gently.

00:50:15.000 Yeah, that's true, man.

00:50:16.000 I... I don't know, man.

00:50:18.000 I actually masturbated yesterday, and I feel bad about it sometimes, but...

00:50:22.000 Why?

00:50:23.000 I don't know.

00:50:24.000 For some reason, I feel bad.

00:50:25.000 They got us.

00:50:25.000 That's the thing.

00:50:25.000 It's a cultural thing.

00:50:27.000 They got us when we were young.

00:50:28.000 Think about it this way.

00:50:30.000 What if the culture was all stand-up comedy culture?

00:50:33.000 Because arguably, stand-up comedians have a different culture and a different way of looking at things.

00:50:39.000 Yes.

00:50:39.000 And definitely a very deep camaraderie between fellow practitioners, right?

00:50:44.000 Yeah.

00:50:46.000 If that was the culture, was the stand-up comedy culture, was the whole world, you wouldn't give a fuck if you beat off.

00:50:51.000 Right.

00:50:52.000 You wouldn't even be slightly embarrassed.

00:50:54.000 Right.

00:50:54.000 I'd tell people.

00:50:55.000 You'd tell people.

00:50:56.000 I'd tell people where it's at.

00:50:57.000 Sure.

00:50:57.000 Ari would tell me all the time how many times you beat off twice today.

00:51:00.000 We all tell each other how we beat off or what we beat off to.

00:51:05.000 I don't like it as much as I used to when I was young.

00:51:07.000 That's my thing.

00:51:08.000 Well, you're probably healthier.

00:51:10.000 Yeah.

00:51:10.000 You know?

00:51:11.000 It's like you've gotten older, you're more comfortable, you're successful.

00:51:15.000 Yeah, it just feels like a novice move if I'm still jerking off, and it's 2019. It's certainly a distraction, too.

00:51:22.000 Yeah.

00:51:22.000 There's something about, especially looking at porn.

00:51:25.000 There's...

00:51:27.000 I'm not anti-porn.

00:51:28.000 I don't want anybody to get me wrong.

00:51:29.000 I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do, ultimately.

00:51:32.000 And I think a lot of why people have bad opinions about people doing certain things is that we judge people when they do certain things.

00:51:41.000 And we have these ideas about them that we sort of impose on them.

00:51:46.000 But I think, for some people, porn is very useful.

00:51:50.000 But you have to have discipline.

00:51:52.000 See, the thing is, If you watch porn, and you watch two people have sex, and you get excited, and you jerk off, you just took care of some sexual needs that you had.

00:52:02.000 What could possibly be wrong with that?

00:52:04.000 The only thing that could be possibly wrong with it is that there's something wrong with these two people having sex and filming it.

00:52:11.000 Well, is there?

00:52:13.000 Like, doesn't everybody want to fuck?

00:52:15.000 I don't want to film myself fucking, but doesn't everybody want to have sex? 0.93

00:52:19.000 People love to have sex.

00:52:20.000 It's like one of the most important motivations that we have.

00:52:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:24.000 Most people leave the house every day because they might have a chance to fuck.

00:52:27.000 For sure.

00:52:28.000 I mean, why do people, why do they get involved in romantic relationships in the first place?

00:52:32.000 Not just be nice to each other, but to fuck.

00:52:35.000 Eventually sometimes to fuck each other. 0.94

00:52:37.000 That's part of the whole thing.

00:52:37.000 Yeah.

00:52:38.000 So what is it about two people fucking on film that's so distasteful?

00:52:42.000 Well, you know, you don't want people to see your special thing, maybe, or you want to keep it private.

00:52:51.000 I get all those things.

00:52:52.000 It's gotten too fancy, though.

00:52:53.000 It's too high-def, though.

00:52:54.000 Real life can't compete with it, so then it's so...

00:52:58.000 But that's not always the case.

00:52:59.000 Oh, this stuff is right there.

00:53:02.000 But it's not.

00:53:02.000 Real life, though, it's not as good.

00:53:04.000 It's not as good as real life.

00:53:06.000 But I think that it's visually, it starts to get that it's better.

00:53:10.000 And it starts to get where...

00:53:11.000 Like sometimes, I'm 40 days off pornography right now, right?

00:53:15.000 Oh, really?

00:53:15.000 Yeah.

00:53:16.000 Oh, so you're like on a pornography detox.

00:53:18.000 Oh, dude, I don't ever want to see it again.

00:53:20.000 Really?

00:53:20.000 Yeah.

00:53:21.000 If somebody tries to get their pussy out, I'm like, you stop. 0.99

00:53:23.000 Let me say this to you, though.

00:53:25.000 You also had the same kind of issue with drugs and alcohol.

00:53:29.000 Right.

00:53:29.000 So you have like an addictive personality.

00:53:31.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

00:53:32.000 So I have an addictive personality.

00:53:33.000 This is what I was saying earlier, that I think that...

00:53:36.000 The thing itself is not necessarily bad and for some people can actually provide a service, right?

00:53:43.000 Yeah.

00:53:43.000 Like it helps them to jerk off.

00:53:45.000 I don't understand why that would be bad.

00:53:47.000 The only thing that you would say is, and this is...

00:53:51.000 I don't know how factual this is because I haven't done any surveys, but what I've read is that a lot of the people that get involved in that are victims of abuse.

00:54:00.000 That's disturbing, right?

00:54:02.000 You don't want to hear that.

00:54:03.000 But then some of them aren't.

00:54:05.000 Some of them do it because they want to do it.

00:54:08.000 Yeah.

00:54:08.000 Like, isn't that okay?

00:54:10.000 That seems more okay than someone who's doing it because they're a victim of abuse and they're desperately seeking love and attention and they don't know how to do it.

00:54:18.000 That's a good point.

00:54:19.000 So then you look at it like in terms of, but you just, that's, looking at that is like, well then don't laugh at comedy.

00:54:25.000 Right.

00:54:26.000 Because if you laugh at comedy, almost everybody that's a comedian's fucked up or been fucked over.

00:54:30.000 I mean, that's really why they get into it in the first place, because they desperately need attention.

00:54:34.000 They want to be special.

00:54:36.000 They want to be something.

00:54:37.000 They're like, look at me, look at me.

00:54:38.000 So they figure out how to be funny.

00:54:40.000 But usually those are victims of abuse.

00:54:41.000 Like, in some way, shape, or form.

00:54:43.000 Not all of them.

00:54:44.000 Right, because they need the affection.

00:54:45.000 They need something from people.

00:54:47.000 Maybe six out of ten, right?

00:54:49.000 Yeah.

00:54:49.000 Maybe, and I'm being real generous.

00:54:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:54:52.000 So there's so many things that you could look at that like that.

00:54:56.000 You know, like something good comes out of stand-up, right?

00:54:59.000 So we just accept that that's okay to laugh at these fucked-up people that tell these jokes.

00:55:04.000 But you know what I mean?

00:55:05.000 Like a guy like Joey Diaz.

00:55:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:07.000 I mean, that guy's lived everything.

00:55:09.000 He's seen everything.

00:55:10.000 But it's okay to laugh at the chaos that his life was because the jokes are so funny.

00:55:16.000 You know, it's weird, right?

00:55:18.000 But it's not okay To look at, like, even if the girl's enjoying porn, if you find out that at some point in time she was molested, and that possibly was one of the motivating factors that led her into porn, then you get super weird about it.

00:55:32.000 Yeah.

00:55:33.000 Then you have to think about it.

00:55:34.000 They should put that on the thing, like, percentage chance of somebody that was molested in the video.

00:55:38.000 And I think that that would deter people from watching us some.

00:55:41.000 Do you think so?

00:55:41.000 Yeah, man.

00:55:42.000 My thing is just, I started to think of sex then in frames.

00:55:45.000 Like, okay, I gotta meet the girl, and then we have to walk over by a... 0.99

00:55:49.000 I have to see this, then I have to see that, then that happens, and that's sex. 1.00

00:55:54.000 So I started to interpret it that way.

00:55:58.000 I don't know.

00:55:59.000 Sex was just fun when you were young.

00:56:00.000 Remember when you were fucking...

00:56:01.000 Imagine being 16 and fucking somebody else that was 16, bro.

00:56:05.000 You know what I want to hear in the background when I'm saying this?

00:56:07.000 The song, Live and Let Die.

00:56:09.000 When you were young.

00:56:17.000 Who was that?

00:56:18.000 Diana Ross?

00:56:19.000 Who sings that?

00:56:19.000 Oh, Paul McCartney and Wings, motherfucker.

00:56:21.000 Wings, bro.

00:56:22.000 That was from James Bond.

00:56:24.000 Oh, that's right.

00:56:26.000 That's right.

00:56:27.000 Guns N' Roses did it.

00:56:28.000 Oh, they did it, boy.

00:56:31.000 That was one time where the fucking remake was so good, you kind of forgot it was in their own song.

00:56:43.000 We've been dancing.

00:56:44.000 Can I hear some of this?

00:56:46.000 If only we hear it.

00:56:47.000 Has Axl been on your podcast, Joe?

00:56:49.000 No, I'd definitely have him on, man.

00:56:51.000 Wow.

00:56:52.000 I would definitely have that guy on.

00:56:53.000 I can't imagine.

00:56:54.000 He seems to have come back from the brink, right?

00:56:57.000 Yeah, who knows what kind of ego happened and what all happened whenever they went through everything.

00:57:01.000 Give me some volume so I can hear it at least.

00:57:04.000 I want to hear him say that at the beginning part.

00:57:06.000 Yeah, here we go, here we go.

00:57:10.000 Yeah.

00:57:12.000 Look out.

00:57:13.000 So he was, for years, he went crazy.

00:57:17.000 Yeah.

00:57:17.000 He vanished, was trying to make that one album forever, right?

00:57:21.000 Took many, many years.

00:57:22.000 And everybody's like, God damn it, Axl Rose went crazy.

00:57:25.000 And you'd see him, you're like, damn, it was a shame.

00:57:27.000 Guns N' Roses was so good.

00:57:28.000 So good.

00:57:28.000 And then slowly but surely, he fucking came back.

00:57:33.000 Like, really came back.

00:57:35.000 Like, he's fucking back.

00:57:36.000 Like, that dude tours with ACDC now.

00:57:39.000 Yeah.

00:57:39.000 I mean, he crushes it.

00:57:41.000 I saw some videos of him on stage.

00:57:42.000 He's a fucking animal again.

00:57:44.000 He looks like Hart a little bit, like one of the people from Hart.

00:57:46.000 But that's just age and time, you know?

00:57:48.000 That's just...

00:57:49.000 Oh, I don't think it's age and time.

00:57:50.000 I think there's a lot of other ingredients.

00:57:52.000 Could be shrimp.

00:57:53.000 You gotta throw some shit onto that mix.

00:57:55.000 It wasn't living right.

00:57:57.000 But Slash looks the same.

00:57:59.000 Oh, Slash looks the same.

00:58:00.000 But that's what I'm saying.

00:58:01.000 They're both the same age.

00:58:02.000 They started out together.

00:58:04.000 Or close to the same age at least.

00:58:06.000 Dude, how much fun must that be to be a musician?

00:58:09.000 I think it's too much fun.

00:58:11.000 This is my theory.

00:58:12.000 I think it's too much fun and I think they don't even have to write new shit.

00:58:16.000 So because they don't have to write new shit and it's too much fun, they're out there just fucking smashing every night.

00:58:24.000 Fucking smashing.

00:58:26.000 Smashing shows, smashing tour buses and hotel rooms.

00:58:30.000 Breaking shit.

00:58:31.000 Just smashing.

00:58:32.000 Fucking each other.

00:58:33.000 Smashing pussy. 1.00

00:58:34.000 Just smashing.

00:58:35.000 They're going crazy.

00:58:36.000 You probably wouldn't even notice if you fuck a dude if you're that famous, bro.

00:58:39.000 I think you notice.

00:58:40.000 I think you're wrong.

00:58:41.000 I beg to differ.

00:58:42.000 Oh, he's got a teleprompter.

00:58:43.000 What about a fast dude?

00:58:45.000 Did you know Axl Rose had a teleprompter?

00:58:48.000 I guess you want that if you're on all the drugs.

00:58:51.000 If you want all the drugs, not only do I want a teleprompter, I want it to be highlighted what I'm supposed to say.

00:58:56.000 I mean, he's wearing hot pants.

00:58:59.000 He is so close.

00:59:03.000 He's wearing hot pants with high cowboy boots with socks.

00:59:07.000 Oh, damn, dude.

00:59:08.000 And a mesh top and tighty-whities.

00:59:11.000 So what is it that makes somebody so famous that they get close to being almost like a bisexual, you think? 0.94

00:59:18.000 You keep bringing up all this gay stuff. 0.99

00:59:20.000 Do I? Was your stepdad right?

00:59:22.000 No.

00:59:23.000 Bro.

00:59:23.000 I've never been gay, man.

00:59:25.000 Never, ever?

00:59:25.000 Nope.

00:59:26.000 Never, ever, ever.

00:59:27.000 Never.

00:59:27.000 I mean, maybe when I'm 60 or 70, I'll bust out.

00:59:30.000 Give it a try.

00:59:31.000 You know?

00:59:31.000 I'll come on somebody, but I'm not doing anything now.

00:59:34.000 I want a family and everything.

00:59:36.000 I think they're so free with their expression that they wear whatever the fuck they want.

00:59:42.000 And I think that's a part of the culture of really huge musicians is that they get very free with their looks, their sexuality.

00:59:51.000 Like, look at him with his ripped up pants.

00:59:54.000 Wow.

00:59:54.000 Axl Rose back when he was a cutie pie.

00:59:57.000 Or David Bowie.

00:59:58.000 David Bowie when he was in his androgynous stage.

01:00:01.000 Prince.

01:00:02.000 I mean, you can go on and on and on about men.

01:00:06.000 Fucking Mick Jagger.

01:00:08.000 Mick Jagger would swing his hips and puff his lips out.

01:00:11.000 Well, Elvis is more manly.

01:00:14.000 That was a manly thing.

01:00:15.000 But he wore women's clothing and women's stuff from like... 0.85

01:00:19.000 He wore stuff from like...

01:00:21.000 Scarves and shit, is that what you're saying?

01:00:22.000 No, what's that women's clothing store that's in every like little city?

01:00:25.000 Victoria Secrets?

01:00:26.000 No, it's for like kind of more, you know, Lane Bryant.

01:00:29.000 Oh, he wore the big fat lady stuff? 0.96

01:00:31.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:00:33.000 Is there a dude clothes store for fat guys?

01:00:36.000 Big and tall.

01:00:37.000 Big and tall, they call it.

01:00:38.000 Yeah, but that's like some of them are tall slender guys.

01:00:39.000 It's called the J-Spot.

01:00:41.000 It's over there on Pico Boulevard.

01:00:42.000 Have you been there?

01:00:42.000 Jay Anthony always sells those suits over there on stage.

01:00:45.000 Oh, really?

01:00:49.000 What's that?

01:00:50.000 Oh, there he is.

01:00:51.000 Is that him now?

01:00:52.000 That's him.

01:00:53.000 That could be the lady... 1.00

01:00:54.000 Is that Cheryl Swopes? 1.00

01:00:57.000 No, he's...

01:00:58.000 That's...

01:00:58.000 His hair looks weird like that.

01:01:04.000 It's like he went to spring break.

01:01:05.000 But that's Axl from younger days.

01:01:07.000 So that's when he had vanished for a while, right?

01:01:10.000 Sort of like when he resurfaced.

01:01:11.000 Oh.

01:01:12.000 But when he did that, like, he did a big concert in Brazil, too, right?

01:01:16.000 Yeah.

01:01:16.000 I remember listening to that, and his voice was kind of struggling a little bit.

01:01:19.000 Because he has such a scratchy voice, you know?

01:01:23.000 You gotta think, like, that voice is probably very difficult to maintain.

01:01:26.000 Yeah.

01:01:27.000 But that primal fucking...

01:01:29.000 Welcome to the jungle!

01:01:31.000 Dude, that was the shit.

01:01:33.000 That was like right when I was graduating high school.

01:01:36.000 I remember I worked out at this shitty little gym and I'd be on the leg press machine listening to Welcome to the Jungle!

01:01:41.000 What kind of headphones did you have?

01:01:43.000 Uh, whatever they had.

01:01:44.000 The big ones though?

01:01:45.000 Oh yeah!

01:01:46.000 I had a Walkman with a cassette.

01:01:48.000 It might have been a disc player.

01:01:50.000 Well okay, that one's ridiculous.

01:01:52.000 That one makes...

01:01:53.000 Oh, who is that?

01:01:54.000 Is that recent?

01:01:55.000 Is that Holly Hunter?

01:01:55.000 That's him now?

01:01:57.000 No, it's not Holly Hunter.

01:01:58.000 You son of a bitch.

01:01:59.000 I don't even know who Holly Hunter is. 0.62

01:02:01.000 He's the lead singer for Guns N' Roses.

01:02:03.000 Oh, I love Guns N' Roses, dude.

01:02:04.000 How dare you call him Holly Hunter?

01:02:05.000 My brother and I used to beat each other in our room.

01:02:07.000 We'd fist fight in the yard to fucking Guns N' Roses, bro.

01:02:10.000 ACDC. It was the music of my childhood.

01:02:12.000 It was GNR, Alice in Chains.

01:02:16.000 That's a weird look.

01:02:18.000 The thermal, the flannel shirt tied around the waist.

01:02:23.000 What's that look?

01:02:26.000 Right.

01:02:27.000 But that's a weird look.

01:02:28.000 Yeah.

01:02:28.000 Like on purpose, that's a weird look.

01:02:30.000 It's that Darlene Connors. 0.94

01:02:31.000 When you're like, hey, I know I'm not going to wear this flannel shirt, but I'm going to tie it around my waist.

01:02:35.000 But hey, it's not really a skirt.

01:02:38.000 Right.

01:02:38.000 It's just like an accoutrement to my outfit of fake ripped pants.

01:02:42.000 Yeah.

01:02:43.000 Right?

01:02:44.000 That's a weird look.

01:02:45.000 Isn't it a weird look?

01:02:46.000 Would you think you'd rather have like a little skirt or like be naked, do you think?

01:02:50.000 Skirt.

01:02:51.000 I don't want people judging me.

01:02:52.000 Really?

01:02:53.000 Yeah, stop looking at my dick.

01:02:54.000 It's making me self-conscious.

01:02:56.000 But what if you had like a little dick hider, like a little thing that you could...

01:02:59.000 Still, look at how big is your dick hider. 0.89

01:03:04.000 You can't get no escape.

01:03:06.000 Would you ever wear a fake dick so that people thought your dick was bigger?

01:03:09.000 If I did, it would be an outrage.

01:03:11.000 I'd wrap around my waist, tuck it in the front.

01:03:14.000 I'd have it tucked in my sock.

01:03:20.000 And it would be green, like a Hulk dick.

01:03:23.000 Like a dark green.

01:03:24.000 People would know it's fake, though.

01:03:26.000 Like a kale dick.

01:03:28.000 People are like, oh, that guy's just fake, bro.

01:03:30.000 They'd be like, why is your dick green?

01:03:32.000 I'd be like, why are you looking at my dick?

01:03:34.000 Fuck away from my dick. 0.98

01:03:35.000 Dude, are people even going to have dicks in the future?

01:03:38.000 It just seems like everything's going away so fast, man.

01:03:40.000 Yeah, they're trying to do that with this new Gillette commercial.

01:03:43.000 You seen that Gillette commercial?

01:03:46.000 I heard about it though.

01:03:46.000 You can shave your buddy or something.

01:03:48.000 No, no, no.

01:03:48.000 All these guys are really mad because it's like an anti-masculine Gillette commercial.

01:03:52.000 It makes like every man look like a misogynist piece of shit.

01:03:54.000 It's such a disturbing commercial.

01:03:57.000 It's like over and over again, men doing douchey shit.

01:03:59.000 Like, hey bro, aren't you selling razors?

01:04:01.000 Yeah.

01:04:02.000 What are you doing?

01:04:03.000 You changing the world with your shitty fucking advertiser-based philosophy?

01:04:07.000 What are you doing?

01:04:09.000 Like, what are you doing?

01:04:10.000 Who fucking greenlit this?

01:04:12.000 I know.

01:04:12.000 If I was at Gillette, I'd be like, yo, yo, yo, guys.

01:04:14.000 People get hair, they want to fucking shave it.

01:04:17.000 It's not that complicated!

01:04:19.000 You're not going to fix it.

01:04:20.000 Imagine if you're a sexist, rapist piece of shit, and you see that Gillette commercial like, damn, I've got to switch my game up.

01:04:28.000 I've been too much of a dick.

01:04:30.000 Does anybody think that Gillette commercials are somehow or another in any way, shape, or form going to affect culture?

01:04:36.000 It's bad.

01:04:36.000 You're selling razors.

01:04:38.000 It's bad, bro.

01:04:40.000 It's just a razor.

01:04:41.000 I'd rather braid my fucking face hair than buy Gillette again.

01:04:44.000 But nobody wants to be lectured to.

01:04:46.000 We're tired of that.

01:04:49.000 So sick of that.

01:04:49.000 Stop it.

01:04:50.000 You don't have your shit together.

01:04:51.000 Nobody has their shit together.

01:04:52.000 And you're telling people how to get their shit together in a fucking razor blade act.

01:04:57.000 Yeah.

01:04:58.000 Yeah, don't be racist.

01:04:59.000 We know.

01:04:59.000 Yeah, I'm not.

01:05:00.000 Don't be a sexist.

01:05:01.000 Yeah, we know.

01:05:01.000 We know.

01:05:02.000 Most people aren't.

01:05:03.000 Yeah.

01:05:04.000 You got it.

01:05:05.000 Like, most people are.

01:05:06.000 The video's like most people are.

01:05:07.000 It's not most people are.

01:05:09.000 It's crazy.

01:05:09.000 That's a disproportionate amount of people that are.

01:05:11.000 That's what I hate about a lot of the...

01:05:13.000 Just a lot of these...

01:05:14.000 The ideology today is like...

01:05:16.000 Like, they say everybody where I'm from is racist or everybody's like...

01:05:22.000 Yeah.

01:06:02.000 It's so stupid.

01:06:04.000 Cool people are everywhere, man.

01:06:06.000 And good people.

01:06:07.000 Good people are everywhere.

01:06:08.000 And they have different values.

01:06:10.000 And a lot of them are more community-oriented, more friendly.

01:06:14.000 We on this side and those on the east side, everybody gets this idea that everybody is like the people that live all stacked on top of each other, fucking like bees, swarming in the high.

01:06:25.000 Most people don't live like that, man.

01:06:28.000 Most people live somewhere where there's less folks.

01:06:30.000 They gotta relax.

01:06:31.000 They can throw a frisbee and not fucking hit anybody.

01:06:33.000 Yeah, most people, you look at the vast majority of the country, there's, what is there, 300 and how many people?

01:06:41.000 350. Billion?

01:06:42.000 Why is it 350 already?

01:06:43.000 Nah, not quite, but I mean, we're on our way to...

01:06:45.000 What is it, billion?

01:06:46.000 Million, bro.

01:06:47.000 Million.

01:06:48.000 You were guessing billion?

01:06:50.000 I'm glad it's not billion.

01:06:51.000 I think there's...

01:06:52.000 Can you imagine that, man?

01:06:53.000 I would say 320. If I had to guess, I'd say 320. But I'd say it's...

01:06:57.000 325. 325. Right, but that's like, do they know about illegals?

01:07:02.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:07:03.000 Oh, who knows?

01:07:04.000 Probably two billion.

01:07:05.000 If they knew how many illegal aliens, wouldn't you be pissed? 1.00

01:07:07.000 Like, how do you know how many of them?

01:07:09.000 What are you doing?

01:07:10.000 You counting them?

01:07:11.000 How do you know?

01:07:13.000 How are they still here, then?

01:07:15.000 Yeah, what's going on?

01:07:17.000 Dude, but you can't even raise your voice in it.

01:07:20.000 Like, I have to drive to Riverside to even fucking raise my voice, I feel like.

01:07:23.000 Like, that's how too tight it is in L.A. 308 million people in the United States.

01:07:28.000 Oh, good.

01:07:28.000 Whoa, in 2010. But that's 2010. 2000, it was 281 million.

01:07:34.000 Whoa.

01:07:34.000 That's an increase, so.

01:07:36.000 Look at that, dude.

01:07:37.000 Just think of that.

01:07:38.000 20 fucking million people.

01:07:41.000 28, 29, 27 million people.

01:07:43.000 And who's fucking the most?

01:07:44.000 Are they saying?

01:07:45.000 Is it whites? 0.82

01:07:46.000 Oh, it's all whites, bro. 0.88

01:07:47.000 Is it really you think?

01:07:47.000 We're out fucking every race now, bro.

01:07:49.000 It's new.

01:07:50.000 No.

01:07:50.000 We've decided.

01:07:51.000 We've decided to take back our country.

01:07:54.000 No, man.

01:07:56.000 White people are on their way to being a serious minority. 0.97

01:07:59.000 Yeah.

01:07:59.000 That's going to happen.

01:08:01.000 Beige power, bro. 0.84

01:08:01.000 That's what I say. 0.84

01:08:02.000 Everybody.

01:08:03.000 Look, I love all the variety, but you know what it's like?

01:08:06.000 It's like we have nice things.

01:08:08.000 We can't have nice things.

01:08:11.000 We keep breaking things.

01:08:11.000 Because of racist people, you can't have all this wonderful diversity, so we're eventually all going to be gray.

01:08:20.000 We're going to be like those fucking aliens with the giant heads and we're going to have no dicks and we're all going to be the exact same thing.

01:08:26.000 So no one can criticize anyone on anything other than your thoughts.

01:08:30.000 Dang.

01:08:31.000 And they're going to be able to read each other's minds.

01:08:34.000 Yeah, that's what I think.

01:08:35.000 And I think we're going to ruin the environment so they have built-in eyeglasses.

01:08:38.000 When you're born, they just fucking glue these bitches onto your head, sort of like chicks with fake eyelashes. 1.00

01:08:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:44.000 You just have these lenses that you put on.

01:08:46.000 When you're indoors, you peel the lenses off.

01:08:48.000 Otherwise, you can just see nature.

01:08:50.000 You can walk outside, but you can't really go far.

01:08:51.000 You can press a fern button, and ferns will pop up.

01:08:55.000 Why fern?

01:08:56.000 Well, just foliage or something.

01:08:58.000 Fauna foliage.

01:08:59.000 Maybe a deer runs by if you hit that side button.

01:09:01.000 I think nature in the future will probably be contained in these gigantic dome-like places, like one of them Stephen King books, and that's where you'll go to get into the nature.

01:09:13.000 Yeah, like a biodome with Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin.

01:09:17.000 I think that's what it's going to be like.

01:09:19.000 There's going to be nature places, and the rest of the world will be city.

01:09:23.000 The rest of the whole plan will be city, and our wildlife will be a bullshit wildlife.

01:09:28.000 It'll be like...

01:09:29.000 You know, a few thousand acres or something like that of a bunch of animals living together.

01:09:35.000 That's all that's left.

01:09:36.000 It'll be like a rabbit with a little story on its back or something.

01:09:41.000 Because if you look at overpopulation, and I'm not one of those doom and gloom people when it comes to overpopulation.

01:09:46.000 You know why?

01:09:47.000 Because I like people.

01:09:48.000 When people are like, yeah, there's too many fucking people.

01:09:52.000 I have good friends that think, you know, you want to help the world?

01:09:54.000 Don't have any kids.

01:09:55.000 I'm like, okay.

01:09:56.000 Yeah.

01:09:57.000 I get why you would say that, but don't you like people?

01:10:00.000 I love people.

01:10:02.000 People are awesome.

01:10:03.000 It's all I know.

01:10:04.000 I mean, some of them aren't awesome, but the vast majority are pretty cool.

01:10:09.000 Yeah.

01:10:10.000 Or at least capable of being pretty cool.

01:10:12.000 If you're cool to them and you establish sort of a community, being cool with each other, the vast majority of people are great.

01:10:18.000 People are nice.

01:10:19.000 People are, yeah, friendly.

01:10:20.000 Yes.

01:10:21.000 The vast majority.

01:10:22.000 So what's the problem?

01:10:23.000 The problem is there's too many of us, and we're not going to stop.

01:10:27.000 Right.

01:10:27.000 They're going to just...

01:10:28.000 I want to fuck somebody right now.

01:10:31.000 We're going to make people.

01:10:33.000 The question is, will they say, scientists say, That as people become more affluent and as they become more educated, they're less likely to have children or they have less children.

01:10:48.000 So they think that the best way to stop overpopulation is actually equality in the world.

01:10:54.000 Make the whole world basically like America, where everybody's just got a chance to get ahead and everybody has an awesome education and everybody has access to the best information.

01:11:05.000 It can't happen.

01:11:06.000 But if that does happen, that's what's going to curb overpopulation.

01:11:10.000 Otherwise, the people that are the least educated, they're not going to have the same access to – like in countries where people are poorer, for instance, they want to have more kids because they want the kids to take care of them, too.

01:11:25.000 That's a big thing, right?

01:11:26.000 That's a big thing in traditional communities.

01:11:28.000 And they're tighter.

01:11:31.000 And here's the weird thing.

01:11:33.000 If you talk to scientists, they will tell you that arguably those are happier people.

01:11:38.000 These happy people that live in these villages and stuff, and they all enjoy each other's company, even though, in our mind, it's a hardscrabble life.

01:11:46.000 They're living in a third world country in a village. 0.99

01:11:48.000 But if they have access to food, like say if they live in the Amazon or something like that.

01:11:51.000 They have much food you can get in there.

01:11:52.000 You've got a lot of food, man.

01:11:54.000 Like, I know how you would say, hey, I don't want to live that way, so these people live in the wrong way.

01:12:00.000 You know, they have fucking ten kids laying on them and shit, and they're all community in this hut together, and you're like, that looks terrible.

01:12:07.000 They're all hotboxing that bitch, too. 1.00

01:12:08.000 A lot of times you see the whole family's in there fucking smoking dope, though, too.

01:12:13.000 But meanwhile, those people can be, like, really happy.

01:12:15.000 Yeah.

01:12:16.000 They can arguably be happier than a comparable group of people in Western civilization that you would just grab.

01:12:23.000 100%.

01:12:23.000 And why is it black families?

01:12:24.000 A lot of black families are still in the woods.

01:12:26.000 Do you notice that, a lot of the tribes?

01:12:27.000 They're kind of...

01:12:28.000 Or they're, I guess, maybe not black, but it's like a Latino or darker... 1.00

01:12:32.000 Like a not...

01:12:33.000 I don't know what...

01:12:34.000 I guess it's like a more universal shade, almost.

01:12:37.000 Kind of like a sofa color.

01:12:39.000 Well, if you're in the jungle...

01:12:41.000 You're obviously in a hot climate.

01:12:43.000 If you're in a hot climate, you better develop some fucking melanin in your skin.

01:12:46.000 Yeah, that's what it is, is melanin.

01:12:47.000 They got more melanin families.

01:12:49.000 I mean, if you look at it...

01:12:49.000 I'm Italian, mostly.

01:12:51.000 If you look at it...

01:12:52.000 I have some Irish in me, too.

01:12:53.000 But if you look at Italians who are in the sun all the time, dude, they get dark as fuck. 1.00

01:12:58.000 Yeah.

01:12:58.000 You know?

01:12:59.000 And if you were seven...

01:13:03.000 Plus generations of people living in this one area where you're exposed to like tropical sunlight all the time.

01:13:10.000 Man, you would brown the fuck up or you wouldn't make it.

01:13:13.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:13:14.000 I go to Costa Rica even for a couple days and I'm fucking, you know, browned out and my face is all, you know, kind of has pus in it from the sun.

01:13:21.000 But I think people evolving in a place like that, like being there hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, maybe thousands of years, you adapt to that environment.

01:13:32.000 The preferential, the preferable genes are the ones that make it through.

01:13:36.000 Yeah, and those people have joy.

01:13:38.000 Those families have a lot of joy because they have their family around.

01:13:41.000 If somebody dies, they have them right there.

01:13:45.000 Everything's just a lot more communal, I think.

01:13:47.000 There's just a lot more love.

01:13:48.000 Way more communal.

01:13:51.000 Right.

01:13:53.000 Right.

01:14:06.000 And also, your life expectancy is probably not as long, so if you do die and you believe in a higher power, then you get to go see them quicker.

01:14:12.000 You probably have reincarnation.

01:14:14.000 Your friend that died could now be a plant or a coyote that you meet or something.

01:14:20.000 I'm sure in a lot of their cultures, it's a lot of...

01:14:23.000 You know, it's just, things are more just all intertwined, you know, human in nature.

01:14:26.000 Well, that was big with Native American cultures, right?

01:14:29.000 Like, they thought that coyotes were, I mean, in many different tribes, the way they looked at coyotes, almost like they had some magic to them or something.

01:14:38.000 Yeah.

01:14:38.000 They're wise.

01:14:39.000 Well, they're up all night.

01:14:40.000 I mean, I could see that.

01:14:41.000 Yeah.

01:14:42.000 You're in that tent, sleeping, sleeping off that hashish high. 1.00

01:14:49.000 And you hear, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

01:14:52.000 A coyote got trapped in a bathroom.

01:14:56.000 I'm not surprised by that.

01:14:58.000 I want to say it was in South Carolina or North Carolina.

01:15:01.000 They're wild, man.

01:15:02.000 But it's in this bathroom, and these guys have to get it out of the bathroom.

01:15:06.000 And it's sitting on the sink.

01:15:07.000 It's crazy.

01:15:08.000 And they had to use one of them long poles that they jacked dogs. 0.88

01:15:11.000 You know, they grab them around the neck.

01:15:12.000 You see it?

01:15:15.000 I knew it was one of those places.

01:15:16.000 In Nashville?

01:15:19.000 Yeah.

01:15:19.000 I could see that.

01:15:21.000 Dude, it's a cool little video, but it's weird.

01:15:25.000 Those little fuckers are everywhere now. 1.00

01:15:27.000 They are everywhere.

01:15:28.000 Well, raccoons are really dangerous.

01:15:30.000 They're always doing, you know, very violent.

01:15:36.000 The Nashville Music Hall.

01:15:38.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:15:38.000 So they're in this hall in a boat show.

01:15:42.000 Look at him.

01:15:44.000 He's chilling.

01:15:45.000 He's a very photogenic coyote.

01:15:49.000 How weird.

01:15:50.000 So what they did was, they captured it, and they said that if they brought it to an animal shelter, they would have euthanized it.

01:15:56.000 So instead, they captured it and let it loose in the woods.

01:16:00.000 Which is cool.

01:16:00.000 Do you have any animals that you don't tell people that you have?

01:16:03.000 Like any secret animals?

01:16:03.000 I keep a lot of giraffes.

01:16:06.000 Do you really, though?

01:16:07.000 Yeah, I keep them under leaves.

01:16:09.000 I can see you having something, though.

01:16:12.000 Have you thought about it?

01:16:13.000 I used to have piranhas, allegedly.

01:16:15.000 And what do they keep in a tank?

01:16:17.000 Yeah, you keep me in a tank.

01:16:19.000 You know you used to be able to buy a human skeleton online?

01:16:23.000 I used to have a human skeleton at the bottom of my piranha tank.

01:16:26.000 Really?

01:16:27.000 How weird is that?

01:16:28.000 You buy a skeleton.

01:16:29.000 And what can you do with it?

01:16:30.000 I don't think you can anymore.

01:16:31.000 I bet you can't buy them anymore.

01:16:33.000 But you used to be able to just buy a human skeleton.

01:16:35.000 How long can you keep it the whole time?

01:16:36.000 Forever.

01:16:37.000 Fuck.

01:16:38.000 Who was it?

01:16:39.000 Here's the funny thing.

01:16:40.000 I got rid of it.

01:16:41.000 And when I got rid of it, I'm like, man, I'm going to throw away this human skeleton. 0.74

01:16:44.000 Some questions might come with this.

01:16:47.000 You would think it'd be like a cabbage patch, y'all, like it comes with a little birth certificate.

01:16:50.000 We buried it, which is even worse, probably.

01:16:52.000 Yeah.

01:16:53.000 Because then people are going to be like, what the fuck?

01:16:55.000 Someone got killed here.

01:16:57.000 Yeah.

01:16:58.000 Someone's going to find it someday.

01:16:59.000 Go, what the fuck?

01:17:00.000 It's going to be a giant mystery.

01:17:01.000 That sounds fun.

01:17:02.000 I always love mystery, man.

01:17:04.000 The thing is, somebody might have died.

01:17:06.000 Somebody might have killed somebody and sold their bones.

01:17:10.000 It's probably one of those...

01:17:11.000 Is that real?

01:17:12.000 Yeah.

01:17:13.000 Who is that?

01:17:14.000 What does it say?

01:17:15.000 Is that Little John?

01:17:16.000 Look at this thing.

01:17:17.000 Male from India in good condition.

01:17:20.000 12 teeth present.

01:17:22.000 The rest broken missing.

01:17:24.000 There is lipping on the lumbar vertebrae.

01:17:28.000 What?

01:17:29.000 That's $5,000.

01:17:30.000 You could buy a fucking human skeleton.

01:17:33.000 Holy shit.

01:17:35.000 Dude, there's several of them for sale?

01:17:37.000 So the lumbar vertebrae lipping, you know what that means?

01:17:41.000 I think that means his back's fucked up.

01:17:46.000 And what happens is the discs themselves, the lumbar vertebrae, the actual vertebrae, the bone piece, from wearing against each other, it starts to spur and develop like a curve to the bottom.

01:17:59.000 I think they're calling that lipping.

01:18:01.000 See if that's what that means.

01:18:03.000 Lipping on the lumbar vertebra.

01:18:06.000 Lipping.

01:18:07.000 Lipping on it.

01:18:09.000 Yeah.

01:18:10.000 Yeah, I got that.

01:18:11.000 Okay, let's see that.

01:18:12.000 Yep, that's what it is.

01:18:14.000 Yeah, see that image, upper left?

01:18:16.000 Left?

01:18:17.000 Right there?

01:18:18.000 Yeah.

01:18:19.000 See how it curves over the top?

01:18:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:23.000 Osteophyte.

01:18:24.000 Osteophyte grating, or lipping.

01:18:26.000 Yeah.

01:18:26.000 See, as your disc gets smashed, your bones try to protect themselves, and they grow this extra bone tissue.

01:18:32.000 And sometimes that, obviously, I'm not a doctor, and if you are a doctor, stop yelling.

01:18:37.000 I don't know what I'm talking about.

01:18:38.000 Yeah.

01:18:38.000 But sometimes people, that shit causes sciatica, either inflamed discs poke out and poke into the nerves, or the bone pokes it, or it causes inflammation in the area.

01:18:49.000 Eddie Bravo has that.

01:18:50.000 He does?

01:18:51.000 Yeah, Eddie Bravo had his...

01:18:52.000 He got his whole disc replaced with a titanium disc.

01:18:55.000 L5S1? Yeah.

01:18:56.000 Wow.

01:18:56.000 Yeah, he gained an inch in height, too.

01:18:58.000 Did he really?

01:18:59.000 Yes, he did.

01:19:00.000 Well, his back's all fucked up, so, like, you gotta think, like, your discs are these things, right? 0.85

01:19:04.000 These little gel things, and there's probably a bunch of them.

01:19:07.000 And they bust.

01:19:07.000 And when they smash and get smashed down to nothing...

01:19:11.000 I mean, he was basically bone on bone.

01:19:13.000 He had almost no disc.

01:19:15.000 So he was in a constant state of inflammation in his lower back.

01:19:18.000 That's horrible.

01:19:18.000 I need to text him.

01:19:18.000 Like, he couldn't sit down sometimes.

01:19:20.000 He'd have to stand up, and he would have to hold his lower back.

01:19:23.000 And he just dealt with the pain forever.

01:19:25.000 But it was like almost nothing there.

01:19:27.000 So his bones were on top of each other.

01:19:30.000 They replaced that and put this thing.

01:19:32.000 They shove it in there.

01:19:33.000 Fucking two-story Eddie.

01:19:35.000 He's fucking buying new shirts.

01:19:37.000 Yeah.

01:19:37.000 But he actually is no longer in pain.

01:19:40.000 That's what's amazing.

01:19:41.000 Yeah.

01:19:41.000 And this is an articulating titanium disc.

01:19:44.000 So they used to have to fuse your vertebrae together.

01:19:46.000 Yeah, that's what I've heard of.

01:19:47.000 They don't have to do that in every case anymore.

01:19:50.000 Sometimes they still do it for some reasons.

01:19:53.000 Doctors don't know what they're talking about, but for many people now, this articulating titanium disc is now an option.

01:20:00.000 I might have to check it out.

01:20:02.000 Yeah, I know.

01:20:02.000 Because I have L5S1. I had a surgery, part of it taken out.

01:20:06.000 How bad is it?

01:20:06.000 Does it hurt?

01:20:07.000 It hurt bad.

01:20:08.000 Yeah, now it's better.

01:20:09.000 Does it hurt now?

01:20:09.000 No, it's better now, but sometimes I have sciatica, though.

01:20:12.000 Do you ever stretch it out?

01:20:13.000 Yeah.

01:20:14.000 Do you ever use one of those teeter inversion tables?

01:20:16.000 No, I just got something free from you guys that were in the lobby.

01:20:19.000 What's that thing called?

01:20:20.000 Proformis or whatever?

01:20:21.000 Oh, that's a So-Right.

01:20:22.000 Yeah.

01:20:23.000 That's a So-As.

01:20:24.000 So-As massager.

01:20:25.000 Isn't that great?

01:20:26.000 So-As. 0.97

01:20:27.000 Yeah.

01:20:28.000 That's this muscle in here.

01:20:29.000 Oh, I'm going to cum on that thing.

01:20:30.000 That thing feels fucking good, bro.

01:20:31.000 Sorry, bro.

01:20:32.000 Rude.

01:20:32.000 That thing feels good.

01:20:34.000 You are so horny today.

01:20:36.000 Dude, I had to drive.

01:20:37.000 It's like a 20-minute drive over here.

01:20:39.000 Oh, that gets you horny?

01:20:40.000 Driving?

01:20:40.000 Nothing like driving.

01:20:41.000 Dude, no.

01:20:42.000 I'll say this.

01:20:43.000 Things that get me a wreck these days.

01:20:45.000 Driving?

01:20:46.000 Being on planes, you know that.

01:20:50.000 Bumpy roads.

01:20:54.000 Get one of those bumpy roads owners.

01:20:56.000 Those are real.

01:20:57.000 You asked me one time, remember they had a lady, I got an erection on a plane and she got pissed. 0.80

01:21:02.000 She told the flight attendant to get me a blanket.

01:21:06.000 Yeah, well did you have it out?

01:21:08.000 No, I was asleep.

01:21:09.000 And it was in my pants.

01:21:11.000 It was in your pants and she saw it somehow.

01:21:13.000 Yeah.

01:21:13.000 She saw my pants because I wear lean pants.

01:21:16.000 Lean pants.

01:21:17.000 Or, you know, I wasn't wearing like a...

01:21:18.000 Like a fat suit.

01:21:19.000 ...canvas or anything, you know, or a textile or something.

01:21:22.000 Oh, like a thick burlap.

01:21:22.000 Like a carpet.

01:21:26.000 Yeah, dude.

01:21:28.000 That's crazy that she's looking over at your dick. 1.00

01:21:30.000 Isn't that crazy, though?

01:21:31.000 But I guess if I was a woman and a dude had a rock-hard boner just like a couple of feet, I would know that's like a ticking time bomb.

01:21:37.000 Like, hey...

01:21:38.000 Hey! 0.99

01:21:39.000 But I'm on a plane.

01:21:39.000 I'm going home.

01:21:40.000 Yeah, but what if you're a pervert?

01:21:42.000 Yeah, I am a pervert, but I'm still just going home and not using my dick.

01:21:46.000 On what kind of scale of a pervert are you?

01:21:48.000 If, like, 10 is jerking off in front of people on the subway with a trench coat?

01:21:53.000 I'm not that.

01:21:53.000 You open a trench coat?

01:21:54.000 No.

01:21:54.000 I have a friend that's a flasher, though.

01:21:57.000 Well, there's flashers and there's flashers that jerk off on people.

01:21:59.000 He doesn't do that.

01:22:00.000 That's ten.

01:22:01.000 So then nine is a flasher that just pretends to jerk off in front of you but doesn't finish.

01:22:07.000 Yeah.

01:22:08.000 Or can't get hard.

01:22:09.000 And then you've got to go back from there.

01:22:11.000 Eight, seven, six, five.

01:22:13.000 What are you, like a three?

01:22:14.000 No, I think, I mean, I guess.

01:22:17.000 Perverted tendencies?

01:22:19.000 I guess it's like what is perverted, you know?

01:22:21.000 Right.

01:22:21.000 Well, it goes back to the porn talk.

01:22:23.000 You say that you had a problem with porn.

01:22:25.000 You were watching too much porn.

01:22:26.000 It became a habit for me.

01:22:28.000 That's what I didn't like.

01:22:28.000 Instead of me wanting to watch pornography, it became, oh, I'm used to watching pornography at night, so I'm going to do it, jerk off, and get a little bit of rest.

01:22:37.000 I didn't like the habit.

01:22:38.000 It created a bad habit.

01:22:40.000 Well, you get real intense thinking about things.

01:22:46.000 Even when we're talking about business stuff, you can tell you focus on things, which is good if it's a good thing.

01:22:54.000 But sometimes that kind of thinking can get away from you.

01:22:57.000 Yeah, I think it does sometimes for me.

01:22:59.000 The same kind of focus that can get you really excited about something that's productive in your life can also get you obsessed with something that's not productive.

01:23:08.000 It's the kind of person that you are in a lot of performers.

01:23:13.000 You're an impulsive, creative person.

01:23:15.000 Impulsive, creative people sometimes get caught in ruts, you know?

01:23:19.000 And there's a bunch of different reasons, I think, for addictions.

01:23:23.000 I think there's psychological addictions, there's physical addictions.

01:23:26.000 Some of them are undeniable.

01:23:27.000 Like, physical addictions, some of them will kill you.

01:23:30.000 Like, you get off of alcohol too quick, you'll die.

01:23:32.000 Yeah.

01:23:33.000 It's a physical addiction that is real.

01:23:35.000 That's a good point.

01:23:36.000 You can't pretend it's not real.

01:23:37.000 That shit will kill you.

01:23:38.000 Right.

01:23:38.000 So it's obviously real.

01:23:39.000 But then there's other ones like washing your hands too many times.

01:23:42.000 Like some people are addicted to washing their hands.

01:23:44.000 I know a dude who doesn't go anywhere without Purell.

01:23:46.000 Everywhere, washing his hands.

01:23:47.000 He's putting Purell on.

01:23:49.000 That's crazy.

01:23:49.000 He doesn't like to touch doorknobs.

01:23:51.000 Touch his doorknob.

01:23:52.000 Purell.

01:23:52.000 Back to the hands.

01:23:53.000 It's weird.

01:23:54.000 And you fuck up your skin flora. 0.85

01:23:57.000 Like, it's not good.

01:23:58.000 Yeah, we had a dude that used to lick both of his shoulders before he'd start talking to you. 1.00

01:24:02.000 Oh, that's good.

01:24:02.000 And it was crazy.

01:24:04.000 That's to let motherfuckers know you're serious.

01:24:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:08.000 That's an Irish hello right there.

01:24:10.000 Where were we?

01:24:11.000 We're in crazy town.

01:24:13.000 You're the mayor.

01:24:14.000 What the fuck are you doing?

01:24:15.000 You licked your shoulders in front of me, bro?

01:24:16.000 Dude, we had a dude in our town.

01:24:17.000 He put like a chocolate on your shoulder and you try to get it off.

01:24:20.000 Eat it off.

01:24:21.000 That's not right.

01:24:21.000 That guy's going to grab you one day and fuck you.

01:24:23.000 Well, he did get in trouble for something.

01:24:25.000 I don't remember what it was.

01:24:26.000 I'd grown up, but he was...

01:24:27.000 He's like one of those anglerfish.

01:24:28.000 He's tricking you.

01:24:30.000 Yeah, he's getting you to look at that, huh?

01:24:31.000 Yeah.

01:24:32.000 It's going to get you.

01:24:33.000 Come looking for that chocolate.

01:24:35.000 Go ahead, eat it off my shoulder.

01:24:36.000 Eat it off my shoulder, bro.

01:24:38.000 You look down, he's got a bat in his hands.

01:24:40.000 Well, if you said it hot, dude.

01:24:42.000 He's like you on that plane.

01:24:45.000 Come get your chocolate.

01:24:46.000 Come get your chocolate.

01:24:48.000 You want this chocolate?

01:24:49.000 But here's the thing, man.

01:24:52.000 What?

01:24:53.000 Here's the thing is, if you put...

01:24:54.000 What was that Stevie Wonder movie you just did?

01:24:56.000 Just kind of get my neck better.

01:24:57.000 I'm trying to get my neck longer.

01:24:59.000 I've been wearing a little bit of a neck brace sometimes at night.

01:25:01.000 Longer.

01:25:01.000 Stretching it out?

01:25:02.000 It's just tight.

01:25:03.000 My neck feels kind of...

01:25:04.000 Or not tight.

01:25:04.000 It feels short.

01:25:05.000 Yeah.

01:25:06.000 Have you used those things, the harness that goes under the chin and you attach it to the top of the door and you pull on it?

01:25:12.000 I've seen those.

01:25:13.000 Those are great.

01:25:14.000 Really?

01:25:14.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:25:14.000 If you have a tense neck.

01:25:16.000 I'm a big believer in that kind of spinal decompression.

01:25:19.000 Yes, I want that.

01:25:21.000 Yeah, you can get that.

01:25:22.000 And I got a really good one out here, too.

01:25:24.000 Two really good ones from that teeter company where you put your waist on one of them and you lean forward and it stretches your lower back.

01:25:31.000 And the other one you hang from your ankles.

01:25:33.000 It's really good for it.

01:25:34.000 It feels good, too.

01:25:35.000 It alleviates.

01:25:35.000 Because it's just like that compression of life.

01:25:38.000 So sick of it, yeah.

01:25:38.000 Constant smushing you down.

01:25:40.000 And it's very rare that you do anything that, like, I have a terrible problem slumping.

01:25:44.000 I've always slumped.

01:25:46.000 I've always had shit posture for whatever reason.

01:25:49.000 And it's not good.

01:25:50.000 You're supposed to sit up straight.

01:25:52.000 Your back is supposed to be straight.

01:25:55.000 But sometimes I sit like this.

01:25:59.000 I'll talk to people and I'll be like that.

01:26:01.000 My head is forward.

01:26:02.000 It's just very bad for your back.

01:26:04.000 You're making your discs carry your weight in an uneven way.

01:26:08.000 What you want to do is have everything up and strong.

01:26:12.000 Obviously, this is exaggerated, but most people, you get lazy.

01:26:15.000 So what good posture is, is a constant state of exercise.

01:26:21.000 That's what good posture is.

01:26:23.000 Because you want to just slump.

01:26:24.000 I slump all the time, man.

01:26:25.000 But doing posture all the time, it feels like you're always about to graduate.

01:26:30.000 I feel like you always have to be like...

01:26:33.000 Kind of like, you know what I'm saying?

01:26:34.000 Yeah, that is what it's like.

01:26:35.000 But you don't have to be exaggerated, but you really should.

01:26:38.000 And I've been trying over the last few years really hard to do that.

01:26:42.000 Just straight.

01:26:43.000 I need to get an alarm for my spine.

01:26:45.000 That's it.

01:26:46.000 That's the shit I love.

01:26:47.000 That's called the teeter-dex inversion.

01:26:50.000 That's one of my favorite things ever for loosening up your lower back. 0.64

01:26:56.000 Really?

01:26:57.000 Decompressing.

01:26:57.000 Yeah, I got one right here, man.

01:26:58.000 And it's not prohibitively expensive either.

01:27:00.000 I'll hop on that bitch before I leave. 1.00

01:27:02.000 Yeah, that thing right there, I love that thing.

01:27:04.000 When you go down, when it presses play so you can see how it works, you hang down like that.

01:27:11.000 And when you hang down like that, it just lengthens everything and straightens it out.

01:27:15.000 And that's the one when you hang by your ankles.

01:27:17.000 I love that one, too.

01:27:18.000 That looks good.

01:27:19.000 Yeah, it looks good, right?

01:27:20.000 Yes, I cannot even imagine they have that.

01:27:22.000 So good for you.

01:27:23.000 I got one right here, bro.

01:27:24.000 Really?

01:27:25.000 I feel like something you would do to kill a deer or something.

01:27:27.000 No, that's a different kind of thing, man.

01:27:29.000 That's wild, man.

01:27:30.000 I need some stuff.

01:27:31.000 I think I need to get more...

01:27:33.000 You know, bars and stuff I can hang off of.

01:27:35.000 I got to alleviate some pressure.

01:27:37.000 Those are great for your shoulders, like chin-up bars.

01:27:39.000 Grab a hold of a chin-up bar and just hang.

01:27:41.000 Hanging is really good for your shoulders because everything gets compacted and everything gets, like, bunched in and nothing stretches out.

01:27:49.000 I'm built like a Conestoga wagon, brother.

01:27:51.000 You know that?

01:27:51.000 What is a Conestoga wagon?

01:27:52.000 Conestoga.

01:27:53.000 What is a Conestoga wagon?

01:27:54.000 It's like a...

01:27:55.000 Wheelbase is really questionable.

01:27:57.000 It's like six by six.

01:27:59.000 You know?

01:28:00.000 Like, I'm not that fucking...

01:28:02.000 You don't move that good?

01:28:03.000 I mean, I think I used to be able to, but I gotta...

01:28:06.000 You keep going to the past, bro.

01:28:07.000 You're still young enough to move like that right now.

01:28:10.000 Yeah.

01:28:11.000 That thing? 0.97

01:28:11.000 Oh, that's a Conestoga wagon? 0.97

01:28:13.000 Jesus.

01:28:13.000 I'm built like that.

01:28:14.000 Imagine if you just decided that's how you're gonna rock it from now on.

01:28:16.000 You're on the highway, people are beeping at you.

01:28:18.000 Get your motor running.

01:28:21.000 You got a wooden wheeled wagon you're dragging behind your Ram pickup truck.

01:28:27.000 A fucking bar of gold just falls out the back.

01:28:30.000 You got a Silverado, a Chevy Silverado pulling a fucking covered wagon.

01:28:36.000 They'd be like, you can't do that.

01:28:38.000 Why not?

01:28:39.000 This car's registered.

01:28:40.000 Yeah.

01:28:40.000 This is all legal.

01:28:41.000 Who the fuck is buying wagons these days?

01:28:43.000 People are buying them today.

01:28:45.000 Oh, the wagon's coming back.

01:28:46.000 It's just these fucking assholes that want to reenact a civil war.

01:28:50.000 Damn.

01:28:51.000 Do you want to get out there in a wagon and pretend there's still slavery? 0.61

01:28:54.000 Well, here's the thing, bro.

01:28:56.000 I understand reenacting it in the winter, but they do it in the summer, man.

01:29:01.000 Do they really?

01:29:01.000 Yeah.

01:29:02.000 You don't want to do it in the winter.

01:29:03.000 You'll die.

01:29:03.000 And the South always wins the reenactment, too, which is wild.

01:29:06.000 Oh, no, it doesn't.

01:29:07.000 Really?

01:29:08.000 Yeah, I don't blame.

01:29:10.000 Is that real?

01:29:11.000 I think there's a little bit of...

01:29:12.000 You know what they should do?

01:29:13.000 They should reenact the Civil War and kill themselves. 0.96

01:29:17.000 Not in real life, but in the fake, I mean, pretend.

01:29:20.000 Hey man, I don't want to fight for slavery and just all pretend to kill themselves.

01:29:24.000 Yeah.

01:29:24.000 Oh, that's interesting.

01:29:25.000 Yeah, they should say, hey, we're going to do it the right way.

01:29:28.000 Or, we're going to toss down our guns and suck all the dicks of the guys in the north.

01:29:32.000 Yeah.

01:29:33.000 How about that?

01:29:35.000 They would have won if they had said that.

01:29:39.000 They don't want it.

01:29:40.000 If they catch us, they're sucking our dicks.

01:29:45.000 They want you to feel good and they want to apologize.

01:29:47.000 Plus, they need the nutrients.

01:29:49.000 They're out there starving.

01:29:50.000 Dude, I was thinking about this.

01:29:51.000 Do you think that...

01:29:52.000 So, slavery, right?

01:29:54.000 Right.

01:29:54.000 They had it.

01:29:56.000 Do you think that...

01:29:57.000 What if...

01:29:58.000 I had this thought of one day, what if computers...

01:30:00.000 Artificial intelligence happens.

01:30:02.000 Okay?

01:30:02.000 Takes over.

01:30:03.000 Yeah.

01:30:04.000 And then they're all going to know that we had...

01:30:06.000 We owned these.

01:30:10.000 Phones?

01:30:10.000 Yeah.

01:30:11.000 Just like people owned slaves.

01:30:13.000 They were slaves.

01:30:14.000 This was a slave.

01:30:14.000 Remember when you owned my little buddy?

01:30:17.000 I don't think they're going to be emotional about that.

01:30:19.000 I see where you're going with that, but I disagree.

01:30:22.000 I don't think that'll be an actual factor.

01:30:25.000 I don't know.

01:30:26.000 I got the rose gold one, though.

01:30:27.000 I do know that.

01:30:27.000 You like that?

01:30:28.000 But you got a black case on it.

01:30:29.000 That's ridiculous.

01:30:30.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:30:30.000 If you're going rose gold, I think you have to go caseless like a samurai.

01:30:33.000 No way, bro.

01:30:34.000 Like a savage.

01:30:36.000 I'm not going caseless, man.

01:30:37.000 A lot of people go caseless.

01:30:38.000 Look at Jamie.

01:30:38.000 Caseless.

01:30:39.000 Are you really?

01:30:40.000 Jamie's a caseless barbarian.

01:30:42.000 Wow.

01:30:42.000 I bet he jerks off with his fucking natural hand.

01:30:46.000 I got a cute case my kid drew on it.

01:30:49.000 Oh, that's nice, huh?

01:30:50.000 Adorable.

01:30:52.000 Do you see your kids every day?

01:30:54.000 Yeah, sometimes I keep my eyes closed though.

01:31:01.000 This is a Theo Vaughn-style podcast.

01:31:04.000 Were you nervous at first to have them?

01:31:07.000 Yes, yeah.

01:31:08.000 Nervous to be vulnerable.

01:31:09.000 Nervous to love something that much.

01:31:11.000 Nervous to have that kind of responsibility.

01:31:13.000 Nervous about all those things.

01:31:16.000 Yeah, I get that.

01:31:17.000 Changes you.

01:31:18.000 Changes you.

01:31:19.000 Changes you like nothing else.

01:31:20.000 But did you feel like the changes would be for, like, that you won't like the changes and then you did like them?

01:31:26.000 Like, did you have reservations?

01:31:27.000 Well, I didn't have a relationship with my father growing up.

01:31:32.000 So for me, it was very, very important that I did whatever I had to do to have a relationship with them.

01:31:40.000 To be as present as I can be to whoever I was before I had them to evolve, to get better.

01:31:49.000 It's a very...

01:31:52.000 When you have kids, it's a very weird thing what happens to you.

01:31:56.000 Because all of a sudden, you're not alone anymore.

01:32:00.000 You don't just have responsibility, like you have a dog, you have to feed, or a plant.

01:32:05.000 You have a little person.

01:32:07.000 And you don't want to fuck up that little person.

01:32:10.000 You're like, shit!

01:32:11.000 And it feels overwhelming.

01:32:12.000 And then the world feels so dangerous.

01:32:14.000 It changes the view of the world.

01:32:16.000 Oh, yeah.

01:32:16.000 God, there's so much threat.

01:32:18.000 There's so much out there that could hurt or hurt.

01:32:20.000 Stop signs, planes. 0.61

01:32:21.000 Well, stories, too.

01:32:22.000 You read stories about terrible people and terrible things that happen.

01:32:26.000 Oh, and then you're like, fuck it.

01:32:28.000 I don't have to worry about this just happening to me.

01:32:29.000 I have to worry about this happening to somebody else, too.

01:32:31.000 Yeah, and your little son or your little daughter, you know?

01:32:34.000 Yeah.

01:32:35.000 That's wild, bro.

01:32:36.000 Yeah, it's a crazy world.

01:32:37.000 And you...

01:32:39.000 You think of people differently because you think of people as a project that developed instead of being in a static state.

01:32:46.000 That's interesting.

01:32:47.000 Do you think that something like emotionally happens to you like at a level that...

01:32:53.000 Like a DNA level?

01:32:54.000 Yeah.

01:32:54.000 The love you have...

01:32:55.000 Like Dave Chappelle said this best.

01:32:57.000 He goes, not only did it increase my love, it increased my capacity for love.

01:33:01.000 That's a great way of putting it.

01:33:03.000 I would agree, 100%.

01:33:05.000 It increases your capacity.

01:33:07.000 At least me, I became a nicer person.

01:33:10.000 But I've seen it not work, too.

01:33:12.000 I've seen people that just reject it.

01:33:14.000 I've seen men and women that just don't want to be parents.

01:33:17.000 I've seen women move away from their kids. 1.00

01:33:19.000 They don't want to take care of their kids. 1.00

01:33:20.000 I've seen men abandon their families.

01:33:22.000 They just don't want to do it.

01:33:24.000 It's crazy.

01:33:25.000 I don't know if it's a mental health issue or if...

01:33:30.000 Some people just can't take it.

01:33:35.000 There's like attitudes, and this is not just about raising children.

01:33:40.000 It's about pretty much anything difficult in life.

01:33:42.000 There's some people that have a very low quit point.

01:33:47.000 Very low.

01:33:48.000 They just quit.

01:33:49.000 Everything, they quit.

01:33:50.000 It gets tough, quit.

01:33:51.000 There's a lot of people that just quit.

01:33:54.000 And when you have a little, like say if you have a little Theo in front of you and you think about your life and your childhood and like how important it is for you to raise this little person and give him love and teach him about life and protect him and keep him safe and give him good lessons in life.

01:34:11.000 Yeah.

01:34:11.000 It just changes everything, man.

01:34:14.000 It changes everything.

01:34:16.000 It changes everything.

01:34:18.000 But it also is overwhelming.

01:34:20.000 People get serious anxiety when they have kids.

01:34:24.000 They start thinking about the responsibility and the weight of it all.

01:34:27.000 Or they don't.

01:34:28.000 Some people just fucking take pills and lay on the couch and let their kids suck fucking carpet glass and fucking stick forks into the wall sockets and play with knives. 0.96

01:34:39.000 Some people don't give a fuck.

01:34:42.000 Some people are dumb.

01:34:43.000 That's a thing too, man.

01:34:45.000 People don't want to say this, but there's folks out there that just aren't equipped for life.

01:34:51.000 I really believe that.

01:34:53.000 I think...

01:34:54.000 Decome the dumb, brother.

01:34:55.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:34:56.000 Take the semen out of them. 1.00

01:34:58.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:34:58.000 Like at a certain point.

01:34:59.000 But here's the problem.

01:35:00.000 You're dumb compared to physicists.

01:35:01.000 So who's to judge?

01:35:03.000 And who's to say that this person is really stupid, couldn't have a brilliant child?

01:35:07.000 That happens too, man.

01:35:08.000 A lot of times, brilliant people come out of stupid people.

01:35:11.000 They need adversity.

01:35:12.000 Man, who knows what they need?

01:35:13.000 But it's like it's not our job to decide.

01:35:17.000 Who's stupid and who's not?

01:35:19.000 Because it gets slippery.

01:35:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:35:21.000 You could get boxed into that stupid corner in a different metric.

01:35:26.000 If you're hanging around with a bunch of people from Stanford, you know, and they're looking, it's Theo Vaughn's in the neighborhood, and they know there's 10 people in the neighborhood, but only nine can survive.

01:35:33.000 There's only resources for nine people.

01:35:35.000 They're going to get rid of me, probably.

01:35:36.000 Depends on how good you are at digging ditches.

01:35:40.000 Oh, it could be better than them at that, though.

01:35:42.000 Yeah.

01:35:42.000 So suddenly I have a different skill.

01:35:44.000 I don't know.

01:35:45.000 Have you thought about having kids?

01:35:47.000 Yeah, I think about it a lot more as I get a little bit older.

01:35:50.000 Yeah, the thing for me is just about being brave, I think, and just being willing to have my life just be totally different and be okay with that.

01:35:56.000 And just being willing to know that I will be okay in that space.

01:36:00.000 I think it's like I'm just starting to manage the space that I'm in, just as a regular person, and then to get to that point where now it's like, fuck, you have two balls in the air, a wife and a kid, or...

01:36:15.000 Yeah, and then what we were talking about earlier, like sometimes people fuck people that they don't really like to hang out with.

01:36:21.000 Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore, man.

01:36:23.000 That's where it gets slippery because sometimes that sex is fun, man.

01:36:28.000 I was just talking to a buddy of mine about this.

01:36:31.000 He's a single guy and he's got a gal that he fucks every now and again.

01:36:35.000 They get together and they both kind of know what it is.

01:36:38.000 Yeah.

01:36:39.000 They get together and they whack one out and then they see ya.

01:36:42.000 That's it.

01:36:43.000 And his take on it is interesting.

01:36:45.000 He's like, yeah, man, some people you just don't want to see him that often.

01:36:48.000 Like, that's okay.

01:36:49.000 That's okay.

01:36:50.000 But the problem is it's not always mutual.

01:36:52.000 Like, sometimes the guy wants to see the girl more than she wants to see him or vice versa, and then it becomes some weird thing.

01:36:59.000 One person starts stalking the other person's Facebook.

01:37:02.000 Yeah.

01:37:02.000 You know, people start getting weird with people.

01:37:04.000 You know, like, that's actually an addiction, too.

01:37:07.000 People get addicted to each other, just as much as they get addicted to pornography, just as much as they get addicted to washing their hands or anything else.

01:37:14.000 People absolutely get addicted to certain people.

01:37:16.000 Oh, yeah.

01:37:17.000 And when that person doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, it's like they're taking away your drugs, you know?

01:37:21.000 And really dumb men, in those cases, get very dangerous.

01:37:25.000 Oh, because, yeah.

01:37:27.000 They start thinking this person's done something to them because they don't want to be with them anymore, and really dumb men are dangerous right there.

01:37:34.000 That's where, you know, you hear about women getting stalked by their exes and murdered, and that's where that shit comes from. 0.99

01:37:39.000 I hate that.

01:37:40.000 Really dumb men who are angry now that the person that they loved doesn't want to be around them anymore.

01:37:46.000 Yeah.

01:37:46.000 And they can't look at themselves and they're probably mentally ill and they might be on medication.

01:37:50.000 Who the fuck knows what trifecta or what conglomeration of factors is making them be that piece of shit, but...

01:37:57.000 Yeah, they just feel, yeah, men get feeling, they feel rejected and then you just want to, yeah, you don't know what to do sometimes.

01:38:05.000 You get addicted to somebody else's love or lust or sex.

01:38:08.000 Yeah, all those things.

01:38:09.000 Yeah.

01:38:10.000 Women too, men. 0.99

01:38:11.000 It's dangerous.

01:38:11.000 Women get addicted to it too.

01:38:13.000 I was talking to a gal who was going through this with another gal.

01:38:16.000 A couple of lesbians.

01:38:18.000 A couple of lesbians.

01:38:19.000 I'm talking about a boy.

01:38:21.000 One lesbian was mean to the other lesbian. 1.00

01:38:23.000 Apparently I was reading about...

01:38:24.000 Delivering furniture, you know what I'm saying, boy?

01:38:26.000 Domestic abuse.

01:38:28.000 There was some article about domestic abuse.

01:38:30.000 It's growing in the lesbian community. 1.00

01:38:32.000 Yeah.

01:38:33.000 Yeah.

01:38:33.000 It's disturbing.

01:38:35.000 It's a dark arts man, and some of those women are tough. 1.00

01:38:39.000 You think?

01:38:40.000 Tough as nails.

01:38:42.000 Would you fight a lesbian for an undisclosed amount of money? 1.00

01:38:46.000 Yeah.

01:38:46.000 Really?

01:38:47.000 You don't even have to hear the number?

01:38:49.000 What is undisclosed mean?

01:38:51.000 Do I get to hear it or I don't?

01:38:53.000 You don't get to know until it's over.

01:38:55.000 You're just ready to fight women. 1.00

01:38:58.000 No, I'm not.

01:38:58.000 Can I train first?

01:39:00.000 I wouldn't.

01:39:00.000 Like Amanda Nunes?

01:39:02.000 I wouldn't let you fight Amanda Nunes. 1.00

01:39:03.000 No, no, no, no.

01:39:03.000 Yeah, it has to be a woman.

01:39:04.000 At least I've seen a couple pictures of them.

01:39:07.000 You know?

01:39:08.000 Like, I at least want to be able to make sure, yeah, I've seen like a couple of images of them or at least be able to scroll through their Instagram.

01:39:14.000 Did you see that video of that grown man who punched that 11-year-old girl in the face at the mall?

01:39:19.000 That shit makes me mad, man.

01:39:20.000 It is so crazy.

01:39:21.000 There's a bunch of kids, apparently, that were involved in some sort of a scuffle.

01:39:25.000 This guy comes over to break it up.

01:39:28.000 He's yelling at them, break it up, break it up.

01:39:29.000 One kid pushes him.

01:39:31.000 And then he says something and then pushes the girl. 0.76

01:39:35.000 She goes flying.

01:39:37.000 She's a little tiny person.

01:39:38.000 He's a big dude.

01:39:40.000 She comes at him with her dukes up and he just fucking waylays her. 1.00

01:39:44.000 I didn't see this.

01:39:45.000 He hits her with a straight left right in the mug. 1.00

01:39:48.000 Wow.

01:39:49.000 Big, grown man.

01:39:51.000 He looks like a big man who knows how to throw a punch.

01:39:54.000 I'm not going to play the video.

01:39:55.000 You want to find it, go find it.

01:39:57.000 No, I don't want to see it.

01:39:58.000 Fucking disturbing.

01:39:59.000 But two things I should tell you.

01:40:00.000 One, that guy definitely shouldn't have done that.

01:40:02.000 But two, she shouldn't have fucking run at that big giant man with her dukes up. 0.66

01:40:05.000 Yeah.

01:40:06.000 Like, God, I know she's 11. I get it.

01:40:09.000 She didn't know.

01:40:09.000 She's a kid.

01:40:10.000 God damn...

01:40:11.000 Teach kids.

01:40:12.000 And some 11 kids are hardy.

01:40:13.000 Some 11-year-olds are hardy.

01:40:14.000 Like, what if you get a...

01:40:15.000 Like, I knew a 12-year-old that's...

01:40:17.000 No, no, no.

01:40:17.000 She's this big.

01:40:18.000 Oh, she's little.

01:40:19.000 She's tiny.

01:40:20.000 She's, like, nipple high on him. 0.97

01:40:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:40:22.000 And he KOs her.

01:40:24.000 You want to see it?

01:40:25.000 No.

01:40:25.000 You do.

01:40:26.000 You do want to see it.

01:40:27.000 Draw her for me on a napkin.

01:40:29.000 I don't want to see it.

01:40:33.000 Yeah.

01:40:34.000 Those are the old days, man.

01:40:35.000 We used to have a guy, I remember they had a guy who chiseled some tits into a pine tree, maybe a birch or something. 0.56

01:40:42.000 And people would go out there and jerk off.

01:40:44.000 Jerk off on the tits? 1.00

01:40:45.000 Were they that good?

01:40:45.000 No, jerk off at the base of the tree.

01:40:47.000 I think he used like a step stool or something.

01:40:50.000 That's when you found all the magazines in the woods.

01:40:53.000 Oh yeah, we used to have that.

01:40:54.000 But sometimes you go out by the tree and somebody will be using the tree and be like, oh fuck, I gotta walk back home now.

01:41:00.000 That's not a real thing for you.

01:41:01.000 Oh, it's 100% real.

01:41:02.000 You're making this up.

01:41:03.000 You haven't photographed this tree?

01:41:05.000 No.

01:41:05.000 Why not?

01:41:06.000 Do you know where it is?

01:41:08.000 Could you take us back there with the film crew?

01:41:10.000 I could take you back there with the film crew.

01:41:11.000 I bet it's devolved now though.

01:41:14.000 How long does a tree live?

01:41:15.000 Go back there and touch the thing and all of a sudden you can't find your way back home.

01:41:18.000 Where the fuck are we?

01:41:20.000 We're going in a circle!

01:41:22.000 Ugh! 0.97

01:41:23.000 You go mad.

01:41:25.000 Like, it turns out that the tree got tired of people jerking off on it, so it evolved some sort of a neurotoxic chemical.

01:41:33.000 Then when you touched it, it got in your bloodstream and it distorted your perception of distance and time.

01:41:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:41:40.000 And then the ghost got you.

01:41:41.000 But dude, what if semen could defy gravity?

01:41:45.000 What do you think about that?

01:41:47.000 I don't.

01:41:47.000 But you know what I do think?

01:41:49.000 Imagine if it wasn't If cum didn't just get humans pregnant. 0.99

01:41:56.000 Yeah.

01:41:58.000 That's what I think of.

01:41:59.000 Imagine if cum got everything from frogs to chickens. 0.88

01:42:03.000 Like if everywhere you went, you found, God, this dude fucked a turtle. 0.57

01:42:07.000 You found some turtle person.

01:42:09.000 You can't think about that, man.

01:42:11.000 Can you imagine if anything could get anything pregnant? 0.98

01:42:15.000 Yeah.

01:42:15.000 And then a new combination was born.

01:42:17.000 Turtle people.

01:42:18.000 Dude, that's what's next.

01:42:19.000 Koi people. 1.00

01:42:20.000 Some dude fucked a koi. 0.98

01:42:21.000 Yeah.

01:42:22.000 He busted into that koi palm.

01:42:23.000 Knocked that koi palm. 1.00

01:42:24.000 Imagine you're out there throwing bread on your koi palm.

01:42:27.000 You're like, hey, hey, hey.

01:42:28.000 It has legs! 0.97

01:42:29.000 What the fuck, man?

01:42:31.000 Somebody fuck one of these fish! 1.00

01:42:33.000 And you see this thing come up on the shore.

01:42:35.000 It's got a sign for you.

01:42:37.000 Koi people are people, too.

01:42:39.000 People see you at the pet store shopping and they're like, whoa, this guy's shady as fuck.

01:42:44.000 Imagine if...

01:42:44.000 Ari fucked it and it came out and we knew it because it had Ari's nose.

01:42:48.000 Yeah.

01:42:48.000 So it's like Ari's nose on a koi fish with legs and it comes out and you're like, Ari!

01:42:53.000 What?

01:42:54.000 What do you care?

01:42:55.000 Mind your business!

01:42:59.000 I'm going to Bali.

01:43:00.000 Can you imagine?

01:43:01.000 Yeah, I'm going to go find my turtle babies on the other side of the world.

01:43:05.000 But if you had to make love to an animal, what would it be if you think you had to go in there?

01:43:08.000 Probably something I could brag about.

01:43:11.000 Yeah.

01:43:11.000 I'm not fucking anything sedentary.

01:43:13.000 I'm not fucking anything that's like a basic...

01:43:15.000 Something ends up in the poultry section or anything like that.

01:43:17.000 No beef.

01:43:17.000 Would it have to be a female?

01:43:18.000 What if you had gay sex with an animal? 0.99

01:43:20.000 Which animal would it be?

01:43:21.000 That's not gay to fucking animal, bro.

01:43:22.000 It's not?

01:43:24.000 I don't think that applies, dude.

01:43:25.000 You're fucking an animal.

01:43:26.000 That's more important.

01:43:27.000 I think it's both.

01:43:27.000 If it's a male gorilla, I think it's both.

01:43:30.000 Aw, dude.

01:43:31.000 It's both gay and bestiality. 1.00

01:43:33.000 Nobody's going to be like, oh, remember when you get- Yes, they would.

01:43:36.000 They're not going to let you off the hook.

01:43:38.000 People are mean.

01:43:38.000 They're going to go, not only did he fuck a chimp, he fucked a male chimp!

01:43:42.000 And everybody would be like, Jesus, Theo!

01:43:47.000 Bro, you would never buy a beer again.

01:43:49.000 You want to break the internet?

01:43:50.000 You put a fucking video of me sneaking up on a cheetah and fucking it?

01:43:56.000 Wrapping a noose around its neck and you're banging it while it's clawing on you?

01:44:01.000 Trying to get away and you nut?

01:44:02.000 Nuh-uh.

01:44:03.000 I'm talking about putting on some Eddie LaVert or some Gerald LaVert and playing some sweet music and just fucking laying there.

01:44:09.000 How do you plan on holding it in place while that's all happening?

01:44:12.000 I think if you're good enough and gentle enough, it'll stay.

01:44:15.000 Wow.

01:44:16.000 You don't think so?

01:44:17.000 Think about it.

01:44:17.000 I'd love to be you for like 10 minutes.

01:44:18.000 Imagine it though.

01:44:19.000 I'd love to look at the world through your eyes for 10 minutes.

01:44:22.000 I think I'd take you right to the hospital.

01:44:24.000 I'd be like, whatever medication we're on, we gotta change it.

01:44:27.000 We gotta fix this.

01:44:28.000 Bro, you should meet yourself then, bro.

01:44:32.000 You are extraterrestrial, man.

01:44:37.000 This is the most I smiled all week, though.

01:44:39.000 So good.

01:44:39.000 Oh, dude, we always have a good time, bro.

01:44:41.000 That's funny.

01:44:42.000 Are you working tonight?

01:44:43.000 Are you doing Tripoli shows?

01:44:44.000 Yeah, you are.

01:44:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:44:46.000 That's fun.

01:44:47.000 Those are good times.

01:44:48.000 Dude, what a fun job, man.

01:44:49.000 I just started really realizing it this year.

01:44:51.000 That's what I was saying.

01:44:52.000 Your idea of looking back on your youth.

01:44:54.000 Are you crazy?

01:44:55.000 We're alive.

01:44:56.000 We're alive doing the most fun job you could have.

01:45:00.000 Yeah.

01:45:00.000 How would we change that?

01:45:01.000 Yeah, I want to get busy.

01:45:02.000 I want to get busy living this year and just try more things and just enjoy my time that I am alive.

01:45:08.000 That's what's up.

01:45:09.000 I really do.

01:45:10.000 The whole thing about life is all that, I wish I was doing this, I wish I was doing that, is only good if you're working towards something.

01:45:18.000 But I wish I was young again?

01:45:20.000 Let that go.

01:45:22.000 That is not happening.

01:45:23.000 Yeah.

01:45:24.000 I wish I was eight foot tall.

01:45:25.000 That's not happening.

01:45:26.000 I wish I could fly.

01:45:27.000 Not happening.

01:45:28.000 I wish I could breathe underwater like Aquaman.

01:45:30.000 It's not happening.

01:45:32.000 I could see you paying to get gills installed, though.

01:45:34.000 I could see you coming up one day.

01:45:36.000 One day.

01:45:37.000 They come up with some gene editing, some gills.

01:45:39.000 I'm like, yeah, man.

01:45:40.000 Fuck scuba diving.

01:45:41.000 Joe takes you to the side and shows you his gills.

01:45:43.000 I don't like snorkeling, bro.

01:45:45.000 You get that shit in your mouth.

01:45:46.000 I snorkeled a little bit when I was in Hawaii.

01:45:48.000 It's fun, huh?

01:45:49.000 Yeah.

01:45:50.000 Oh, man.

01:45:50.000 It's wild.

01:45:52.000 You're out there looking down.

01:45:53.000 You watch all these fish swimming around.

01:45:55.000 We went near this coral reef.

01:45:57.000 It's crazy.

01:45:59.000 It's just this world down there.

01:46:01.000 A world.

01:46:01.000 Octopus and...

01:46:02.000 How easy was it for you to block out sharks or something just coming out of the blue?

01:46:06.000 Not easy.

01:46:07.000 Not easy.

01:46:07.000 No, no, that's real.

01:46:09.000 You're always thinking.

01:46:10.000 What if one of those motherfuckers is here?

01:46:12.000 Oh, and you look like a damn delectable event to a shark.

01:46:17.000 Definitely.

01:46:18.000 You look like a mouthful.

01:46:19.000 Oh, but yeah, you know what I'm saying?

01:46:21.000 If Joe's out there, that's a real snack.

01:46:24.000 How many famous people have ever been killed by sharks?

01:46:27.000 Does that ever happen?

01:46:28.000 That would be crazy.

01:46:29.000 If you're like LL Cool J got killed by a shark in Malibu, you'd be like, what the fuck?

01:46:35.000 You know?

01:46:36.000 You'd be like, how is that real?

01:46:38.000 How could it happen?

01:46:40.000 Right?

01:46:41.000 What if OJ Simpson got jacked by a shark?

01:46:44.000 Can you imagine how many ha-has would break out across the country? 1.00

01:46:48.000 Ha-ha! 1.00

01:46:50.000 If you could see O.J. Simpson, it would have to be Florida.

01:46:54.000 He's in Florida a lot of hurt.

01:46:56.000 Of course.

01:46:57.000 All those white trash girls. 1.00

01:46:58.000 Oh, fuck him.

01:46:59.000 He's waving to the beach, and you just see the fin like 15 feet away from him.

01:47:04.000 And if you go under, and then the yank.

01:47:08.000 The blood in the water.

01:47:10.000 You're like, no way.

01:47:13.000 Dude, I bet O.J. Simpson and Dennis Rodman have fucked a lot of the same chicks, bro. 0.97

01:47:19.000 When you think about that.

01:47:21.000 I don't think O.J. Simpson is allowed to leave the country, right?

01:47:24.000 I was saying, what if Kim Jong-un starts partying with O.J.? That would be so good. 0.99

01:47:30.000 He's like, I don't care.

01:47:31.000 I don't care what he did.

01:47:33.000 The juice is loose.

01:47:35.000 A buddy of mine was doing cocaine with O.J. Simpson one time in Miami.

01:47:40.000 How long ago?

01:47:41.000 This was like 15 years ago.

01:47:43.000 Post-murder then?

01:47:44.000 Yep, after the murder.

01:47:45.000 And the guy goes, hey, does anybody have a car key?

01:47:48.000 And then he hits O.J. He's like, hey, you have a car key or a knife?

01:47:51.000 That's what he asked him for.

01:47:52.000 To do the cocaine off of.

01:47:54.000 And O.J.'s like, this guy asked me if I got a fucking knife.

01:47:58.000 Was he laughing?

01:47:59.000 Yeah.

01:47:59.000 Oh my god.

01:47:59.000 It was pretty funny.

01:48:00.000 I think it's funny.

01:48:01.000 I mean, if you didn't get in trouble for it, even if you did it, I think having a sense of humor about it is still important.

01:48:07.000 The way he reacted every step of the way.

01:48:12.000 Did not seem like a guy was being accused of something he didn't do.

01:48:16.000 Every step of the way.

01:48:17.000 Every step of the way.

01:48:18.000 He's like, I wouldn't do that.

01:48:20.000 I couldn't do that.

01:48:21.000 I don't even imagine.

01:48:22.000 That is not what you'd say if your wife got killed.

01:48:26.000 You would not be thinking like that.

01:48:28.000 You'd be heartbreaking the fuck out.

01:48:30.000 I know you didn't see this, but you should watch this one day.

01:48:32.000 Nick Nolte?

01:48:33.000 No, it's Sasha Baron Cohen.

01:48:34.000 She's at the very, very end of the show.

01:48:36.000 It was almost like a bonus scene.

01:48:38.000 Oh, I didn't know he got this deep with the outfit.

01:48:41.000 Who's the gal? 1.00

01:48:42.000 It's just, it's part of his cell.

01:48:44.000 She's like a girl that's supposed to be with him.

01:48:45.000 He's like this extravagant millionaire, billionaire type character.

01:48:51.000 Oh, and he's got OJ. Yeah, I need to see this show, period.

01:48:54.000 I think he spent like three or four hours with him, he said.

01:48:56.000 Did you hear that they might have uncovered a pedo ring?

01:49:01.000 He might have uncovered a pedo ring when he was doing this.

01:49:03.000 O.J. did?

01:49:04.000 No.

01:49:05.000 Sacha Baron Cohen.

01:49:06.000 Oh, wow.

01:49:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:07.000 I did see it.

01:49:07.000 I read a headline that says that.

01:49:08.000 See if you find what the exact specifics of it were.

01:49:11.000 They decided not to air it, but it's like, what?

01:49:14.000 Dude, you know what?

01:49:14.000 When you said that about O.J., it made me think I met Buzz Aldrin from The Moon.

01:49:18.000 Yes.

01:49:19.000 And when I met him...

01:49:22.000 It didn't seem like he'd been to the moon.

01:49:25.000 You know what I'm saying though?

01:49:27.000 Yeah, hold on a second.

01:49:28.000 Sent, cut, who is America interview to FBI over fears of Las Vegas pedophile rank.

01:49:34.000 I'm not surprised, dude.

01:49:36.000 Whoa.

01:49:38.000 Sub, sub, sub.

01:49:39.000 Said the interview led him to believe there could be a pedophile ring in Las Vegas.

01:49:44.000 Holy shit.

01:49:45.000 Could you imagine if a pedophile ring in Las Vegas was exposed by Sacha Baron Cohen in a comedy movie and they find out it's real?

01:49:54.000 I wonder if this is all just a setup for some other type of film.

01:49:57.000 Well, let's look at it objectively.

01:49:58.000 Okay.

01:49:59.000 Okay.

01:49:59.000 There has to have been pedophile rings in the past.

01:50:02.000 Undeniably.

01:50:03.000 Right?

01:50:03.000 I would think if you go back, you go back to like the 50s or the 40s or the 30s, there has to be something like that.

01:50:11.000 Way easy back then.

01:50:12.000 Yeah, they take orphans and they molest them, all that Sandusky type shit.

01:50:16.000 That has been going on.

01:50:17.000 Yeah.

01:50:18.000 So how often has it been going on?

01:50:20.000 And what happens now to the same type of people?

01:50:22.000 Like if that's no longer available for them?

01:50:25.000 Is there some way they get it?

01:50:27.000 Some super fucking...

01:50:29.000 This super tightly watched ring of people who still engage in this activity and figured out a way to do it.

01:50:37.000 I hope not.

01:50:38.000 I hope not, too.

01:50:39.000 Everybody hopes not.

01:50:41.000 But the idea that it's impossible is unlikely.

01:50:48.000 Yeah, there's probably a market for it, sadly.

01:50:50.000 Well, you think about it all the time when you think about other countries, right?

01:50:53.000 Oh, yeah, they're doing it there for sure.

01:50:55.000 Most of our guys just seems to fly over to these other countries and be dirty over there.

01:50:59.000 The idea of going over there and there's a ring, a pedophile ring.

01:51:03.000 Ooh, that's scary.

01:51:05.000 Dude, who wants to fuck some kid? 1.00

01:51:08.000 That's crazy, bro.

01:51:10.000 They think it's mostly people who have been abused like that themselves.

01:51:15.000 Yeah.

01:51:15.000 It's mostly that.

01:51:16.000 That's one of the things that Kevin Spacey's brother has said about Kevin, is that Kevin is basically like their dad, and their dad sexually abused them, and now Kevin is acting that out.

01:51:28.000 And there was an interview with his brother.

01:51:30.000 Did you ever see Kevin Spacey's brother?

01:51:32.000 I never met that guy.

01:51:33.000 He looks like Rod Stewart on the strongest acid available.

01:51:37.000 He's crazy looking.

01:51:39.000 He's this weird looking guy with wacky hair and he wears funky glasses and weird clothes.

01:51:44.000 Donnie?

01:51:44.000 What's his name?

01:51:45.000 I don't know what his name is.

01:51:46.000 He looks like he's wearing a costume.

01:51:48.000 Donnie Spacey?

01:51:48.000 That's not it, is it?

01:51:50.000 No.

01:51:50.000 But here, take a look at him.

01:51:53.000 Look at this.

01:51:54.000 That's his brother.

01:51:55.000 God dang, man.

01:51:56.000 He looks like a cross between an English scientist and Rod Stewart.

01:52:02.000 I can't believe Kevin's the one that got banged by the dead.

01:52:05.000 I think they both did.

01:52:06.000 I think he's saying they both did.

01:52:07.000 I can't believe I even just said that.

01:52:08.000 It's messed up.

01:52:09.000 Yeah.

01:52:10.000 That's sad, man.

01:52:11.000 They said their dad was a monster.

01:52:13.000 Yeah.

01:52:13.000 Yeah, look at his dad.

01:52:14.000 Like, look at his brother, how he dresses up.

01:52:17.000 Look at that crazy Rod Stewart outfit.

01:52:19.000 Yeah.

01:52:19.000 I bet, like, one chick or one dude fucked him because he thought it was Rod Stewart.

01:52:24.000 And it's like, look, I'm just gonna ride this boat right into the rocks.

01:52:27.000 Ride, Stewart, huh?

01:52:28.000 This is his outfit.

01:52:29.000 Look at his crazy outfit.

01:52:30.000 That is a crazy, crazy outfit.

01:52:32.000 He's got rings on every finger.

01:52:34.000 He's got a wallet chain across his pecker.

01:52:37.000 Wow.

01:52:38.000 His dick's keeping time, brother.

01:52:40.000 Yeah.

01:52:40.000 Look at that shirt.

01:52:41.000 That fluffy shirt with the crazy ass neck accoutrements.

01:52:45.000 Yeah.

01:52:46.000 If you're not trying to get fucked by somebody, you shouldn't wear all this, I think.

01:52:49.000 Yeah.

01:52:49.000 But think about how much effort it took to do all this.

01:52:52.000 Now go up to his teeth.

01:52:54.000 Son.

01:52:55.000 Yeah.

01:52:55.000 Son, what's up with that mug?

01:52:56.000 That's Scotland, bro.

01:52:57.000 Clean that shit up.

01:52:58.000 Is he from Scotland?

01:52:59.000 Is Kevin Spacey from Scotland?

01:53:01.000 I think they're from Britain.

01:53:02.000 I think they're from America.

01:53:04.000 Really?

01:53:04.000 Yeah.

01:53:05.000 Where was Kevin Spacey born?

01:53:08.000 Fuck, if you know, you're Googling it.

01:53:09.000 Well, yeah, you know, bro.

01:53:11.000 You're the brain.

01:53:12.000 Yeah, you're the guy who's got the Google in front of you.

01:53:15.000 But...

01:53:15.000 No.

01:53:17.000 What about this?

01:53:17.000 Do you think he would have been as talented if he didn't have this affliction?

01:53:21.000 Where does it say?

01:53:22.000 Does it say where he's from?

01:53:23.000 New Jersey.

01:53:23.000 Orange, New Jersey.

01:53:24.000 See, there you go.

01:53:25.000 Perfect.

01:53:25.000 Dump.

01:53:27.000 Man, one of the most talented men of our time, you think?

01:53:30.000 People like in New Jersey, fuck you, bro.

01:53:32.000 Hey, I was born there.

01:53:33.000 He is very talented.

01:53:35.000 He's also very crazy.

01:53:36.000 And I think in his day, you could get away with a lot if you were a movie star.

01:53:42.000 I think they ran those sets like they were crazy.

01:53:48.000 Well, they have that R. Kelly thing now.

01:53:49.000 His whole life, he got to do whatever he wanted, it seemed like.

01:53:52.000 That's a different animal, right?

01:53:54.000 Because he's a musician, but yeah, it seems like he's the underage.

01:53:58.000 The underage thing with him is like Aaliyah, married Aaliyah, underage, had sex with her underage. 0.61

01:54:05.000 I remember we just grew up listening to his music.

01:54:07.000 All these girls are coming out about him doing that to them when they're... 1.00

01:54:10.000 Yeah, but a lot of people knew.

01:54:12.000 14, they're saying?

01:54:13.000 15?

01:54:14.000 But I can't believe more people aren't complicit.

01:54:16.000 There was a video of it.

01:54:19.000 That more people aren't complicit in that.

01:54:21.000 It was unbelievable.

01:54:22.000 What about the people that knew?

01:54:23.000 Well, here's what's crazy.

01:54:25.000 The video is out of him peeing on people.

01:54:28.000 And then years later, people are still making music with him.

01:54:30.000 Yeah.

01:54:33.000 Wow!

01:54:34.000 That's crazy.

01:54:35.000 That's crazy.

01:54:37.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

01:54:39.000 When you find out how many people work...

01:54:40.000 What was it?

01:54:41.000 Was it The Breakfast Club?

01:54:42.000 What show was it that they started reading off a list of all the people that worked with R. Kelly post-video?

01:54:51.000 So the video was out.

01:54:52.000 Lady Gaga, all these people.

01:54:56.000 Like a giant number of people.

01:54:58.000 Do you think we'll ever be able to eradicate the fact that people do that too?

01:55:02.000 Like the pedophile or have that vibe for them to sexualize children or young people?

01:55:08.000 Hopefully.

01:55:20.000 Right.

01:55:21.000 Right.

01:55:32.000 And it's going to get more difficult still.

01:55:35.000 I think people are going to be connected.

01:55:37.000 I mean, we're connected right now with cell phones.

01:55:40.000 Like, this is how weird the connection is.

01:55:42.000 You know Adam Greentree, who was here yesterday?

01:55:44.000 We were talking about Toyota Tundras.

01:55:46.000 He said, after we were talking about it, he said all of his ads on his phone, like when he would look at a website, it would all be Toyota ads.

01:55:54.000 No way.

01:55:54.000 He's like, they're listening.

01:55:56.000 Yeah.

01:55:56.000 They're listening to his phone.

01:55:58.000 Like, the word Toyota Tundra came up over and over and over again in his searches.

01:56:03.000 Toyota trucks.

01:56:04.000 Let's see if that happens.

01:56:05.000 Toyota trucks.

01:56:06.000 Toyota trucks.

01:56:07.000 I'm going to say that.

01:56:07.000 And bacon, too.

01:56:08.000 Toyota Tundra.

01:56:09.000 Toyota Tacoma.

01:56:10.000 Say it over and over again.

01:56:11.000 Yeah.

01:56:11.000 But whatever the fuck...

01:56:14.000 I mean, I don't know if he actually accidentally googled Toyota trucks that day too, but they found out...

01:56:23.000 My point is, saying something in a conversation, and it's being connected to these internet searches, these little things are starting to happen, and it's going to get more and more prevalent.

01:56:35.000 It's over for us, man.

01:56:37.000 We're going to be way more connected now.

01:56:40.000 Fuck.

01:56:41.000 We're going to be way more connected rather in 10 years than we are now.

01:56:45.000 Fuck, man.

01:56:45.000 We've got to figure out what would that be like because no one saw this coming.

01:56:48.000 Yeah.

01:56:49.000 No one saw us being disconnected.

01:56:51.000 So what the fuck is it going to be like if we're connected much, much more than that in the future?

01:56:56.000 What's that going to be?

01:56:57.000 It's going to be something unimaginable because this was unimaginable.

01:57:02.000 Right.

01:57:03.000 So that's what I'm thinking.

01:57:03.000 It's going to be some next plane that we're going to get to.

01:57:06.000 There has to be some next level of intuition maybe that comes into it.

01:57:10.000 Yeah.

01:57:11.000 When I was really high, I thought this up.

01:57:13.000 Yeah.

01:57:14.000 My really high thought was, you know how kids learn things really easily?

01:57:18.000 They just learn things way easier.

01:57:20.000 They can learn a language really easy.

01:57:22.000 They go...

01:57:23.000 If very soon in the future, a universal language is developed that coincides with artificial intelligence technology, virtual reality, and augmented reality.

01:57:37.000 And so this universal language allows people of all languages, they can learn it, and they can learn it.

01:57:44.000 And this was coming off of something that Jamie said once.

01:57:47.000 We were talking about Oh,

01:58:04.000 yeah.

01:58:06.000 Depending on the right time, a meme, a picture could sell to tell you a whole story.

01:58:11.000 Well, while I was thinking that, I was like, okay, well, what would stop once they develop augmented reality or virtual reality in some sort of a...

01:58:21.000 Easily digestible form, whatever it is, whether it's a chip that you have in your body that sends signals directly to your brain, allows you to communicate with each other.

01:58:28.000 If we develop the language and we can send and receive images in a way that may be even more effective than the language that...

01:58:36.000 Like, we assume that English is the best way to talk, because we only know how to talk English.

01:58:40.000 Right.

01:58:41.000 Maybe if we could speak Chinese, we could express ourselves clear.

01:58:43.000 Maybe if we speak Turkish or Arabic.

01:58:46.000 Maybe there's a better one.

01:58:48.000 I don't know.

01:58:48.000 I only know one language.

01:58:50.000 Right.

01:58:50.000 But what if sound languages are far inferior to visual languages?

01:58:56.000 And what if these visual languages allow people that even can't even see to see?

01:58:59.000 Because they can send it directly into their mind.

01:59:01.000 They can see these things with their eyes closed.

01:59:03.000 They're not even using their eyeballs.

01:59:05.000 And everybody can communicate on an even plane.

01:59:07.000 So there's no language barriers.

01:59:10.000 And when I was thinking this, I was like, well, that's got to be impossible.

01:59:12.000 No, it's not impossible, because there's more than a hundred languages.

01:59:15.000 I mean, how many languages are there, if you had to guess?

01:59:17.000 I would bet there's probably 100 and maybe 15. Yeah, I bet you're right.

01:59:23.000 I'll say 130. Let's go crazy.

01:59:24.000 I'll say 130 languages.

01:59:25.000 It's probably 1,000.

01:59:27.000 Who the fuck knows?

01:59:28.000 One language, Bob.

01:59:29.000 One language, Bob.

01:59:30.000 More?

01:59:30.000 More than 1,000?

01:59:31.000 Okay, I'm going to go.

01:59:32.000 I would like to have a separate guess.

01:59:35.000 I want to go with 1,800.

01:59:36.000 I would like to go with 1,060.

01:59:42.000 This says...

01:59:43.000 There are roughly, this is number of spoken languages in the world today, 6,500.

01:59:49.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:59:51.000 What?

01:59:51.000 Where?

01:59:53.000 Holy shit!

01:59:55.000 About 2,000 of those have fewer than 1,000 speakers.

01:59:58.000 So even if we count those off, it's still over 4,000.

02:00:00.000 Well, you know, those people on that North Sentinel Island, I think they have a dead language. 0.51

02:00:05.000 There's only 39 of them.

02:00:06.000 Oh, really?

02:00:06.000 Where that guy got killed?

02:00:07.000 Yeah.

02:00:07.000 There's only 39 of them.

02:00:09.000 4,000!

02:00:10.000 So even if you take off that 2,500, right?

02:00:12.000 If you take those off, the ones that he said that only less than 100 people are using.

02:00:15.000 Yeah, but they're using it.

02:00:16.000 Right?

02:00:16.000 Good point.

02:00:17.000 Well, here's the thing that's really crazy.

02:00:20.000 The indigenous people of Australia...

02:00:23.000 My friend Adam Greentree, who was here yesterday, he works with a lot of these people.

02:00:27.000 He has a mining company, and a bunch of the people that he worked with would explain to him these different languages, that they're not written down, and you and your mob, like they would call the Aborigines, 0.78

02:00:43.000 they would call themselves, it's not like a clan, it's called a mob, is their term for it.

02:00:48.000 Would have a totally different language than someone who lives just a few miles away.

02:00:52.000 So they'd be a different mob.

02:00:53.000 It was a few miles away.

02:00:54.000 Totally different language.

02:00:55.000 You can't understand what the fuck they're saying.

02:00:57.000 They don't know what the fuck you're saying.

02:00:58.000 Then there's another one over here.

02:00:59.000 And there's another one.

02:01:00.000 I'm like, how many do you think there is?

02:01:02.000 He's like, oh, it's probably hundreds.

02:01:04.000 Like hundreds.

02:01:05.000 Hundreds of different languages.

02:01:07.000 Nobody knows what the fuck anybody's saying.

02:01:08.000 It's almost like they don't want the other one to know because it's like they'll get their secrets, maybe.

02:01:12.000 Mm-hmm.

02:01:12.000 How many do you think...

02:01:14.000 There's another report that says there's this number of languages that are spoken in U.S. homes as of 2015. Ooh, okay.

02:01:21.000 It's a smaller number, but still a lot.

02:01:24.000 300. 350. Wow.

02:01:27.000 It says at least 350. If you had asked me before this conversation, I would have said 13. Yeah, me too.

02:01:33.000 That's what I was going to guess.

02:01:33.000 Actually, I was going to guess 11. Fuck, that's a lot of languages.

02:01:36.000 Dang.

02:01:37.000 That's so crazy.

02:01:38.000 Fuck, man.

02:01:39.000 We're fucked, dude.

02:01:40.000 No, no, no, we're okay.

02:01:41.000 That makes my point.

02:01:42.000 I think the next stage is a universal language.

02:01:47.000 Yeah.

02:01:48.000 Universal language would, like, think about the Aborigines.

02:01:51.000 That's how fucked up situation you'd be in.

02:01:52.000 Nobody knows what the fuck anybody's saying, and none of those things are written down.

02:01:55.000 So you have to be in that clan to understand that language, or that mob, and then they die off.

02:02:00.000 Yeah, they're not.

02:02:01.000 Yeah, they're thinking small.

02:02:02.000 Small ball.

02:02:03.000 Well, they didn't think.

02:02:04.000 It's not planned out well.

02:02:05.000 But we are connected.

02:02:07.000 Everyone's interconnected.

02:02:08.000 And I think through a universal language, it's entirely possible that we could reshape civilization.

02:02:16.000 Yeah.

02:02:17.000 Through a universal language that every kid picks up in school.

02:02:19.000 You teach them bing bong, right upside of English or Chinese or anything else. 1.00

02:02:25.000 But bing bong is the internet language.

02:02:27.000 The root.

02:02:28.000 And this internet language that everybody understands, everybody just starts communicating through bing-bong, and nobody's using regular language anymore. 0.73

02:02:35.000 You occasionally talk, like when you're in bed, you talk, yeah, bitch, remember Dirty Talk? 1.00

02:02:40.000 English.

02:02:41.000 English Dirty Talk.

02:02:42.000 Or French Dirty Talk.

02:02:44.000 There's 185 that are spoken just in Los Angeles.

02:02:48.000 Wow.

02:02:49.000 Damn, that's a lot.

02:02:50.000 But that makes sense.

02:02:52.000 If there's 300 in the country, I would think that all of them would be here.

02:02:56.000 I would think all of them would be here.

02:02:57.000 I'm more shocked that all of them aren't here.

02:02:59.000 It's a pretty multicultural area.

02:03:00.000 There's a group in 2,500 people or so that speak Dutch at home in Riverside.

02:03:04.000 Oh, yeah.

02:03:05.000 That makes sense.

02:03:06.000 But only Dutch? 0.99

02:03:08.000 Well, not only, but mostly maybe, I guess.

02:03:11.000 I wonder why it's Riverside.

02:03:12.000 The Dutch are so aerodynamic. 1.00

02:03:14.000 They move good?

02:03:15.000 No, you ever seen a Dutch? 0.88

02:03:16.000 They're really aerodynamic.

02:03:17.000 They're They're what?

02:03:19.000 What are you doing with your hands?

02:03:20.000 Lean face.

02:03:21.000 Lean headed.

02:03:22.000 No, they're not.

02:03:23.000 Four inches, cheek to cheek.

02:03:24.000 They're big people, man.

02:03:25.000 Dude.

02:03:26.000 Do you know how big they are?

02:03:27.000 The Dutch? 0.97

02:03:28.000 Oh, they're very tall.

02:03:29.000 But they're very aerodynamic.

02:03:30.000 Very...

02:03:31.000 Aerodynamic.

02:03:32.000 The downhill people, they call them, dude.

02:03:33.000 Look at...

02:03:34.000 Pull up a Dutch. 1.00

02:03:36.000 Okay, pull up Ernesto Hoost.

02:03:38.000 Yeah.

02:03:39.000 Ernesto Hoost.

02:03:40.000 Let's get a gander at this fella right here. 0.92

02:03:41.000 Famous Dutch kickboxer.

02:03:43.000 Mr. Perfect.

02:03:45.000 I bet you it's hard to kick him in the sides of his head because he has a little less than others.

02:03:50.000 It's goddamn Adonis.

02:03:51.000 Okay.

02:03:52.000 And that's him later in his career, too.

02:03:53.000 If you get earlier in his career, he's more jacked.

02:03:56.000 Get earlier in his career when he's...

02:03:57.000 Right there, right there.

02:03:57.000 Bam.

02:03:58.000 Take that picture right there.

02:03:59.000 No, no, no.

02:04:00.000 The one above it where your cursor was.

02:04:02.000 Right to the left of that one.

02:04:04.000 Or right, I'm sorry, of that photo you just pulled up.

02:04:07.000 The right of the photo you just pulled up.

02:04:09.000 That one right there.

02:04:09.000 Bam.

02:04:10.000 That's what he looked like when he was in his prime.

02:04:12.000 Okay.

02:04:13.000 Let's get a basic Dutch.

02:04:14.000 That guy's an advanced Dutch, I feel like.

02:04:16.000 Advanced Dutch?

02:04:17.000 Look at him.

02:04:18.000 Yeah, that guy's a...

02:04:18.000 Okay.

02:04:19.000 How about Rob Kamen?

02:04:21.000 R-O-B-K-A-M-E-N, or A-N, rather. 0.88

02:04:27.000 One of the greatest kickboxers of all time.

02:04:28.000 And there we go.

02:04:30.000 Aerodynamicist.

02:04:30.000 He's aerodynamicist.

02:04:31.000 Yeah, look how narrow his head is.

02:04:34.000 He's looking at you sideways.

02:04:35.000 What about basic Dutch guys? 0.97

02:04:36.000 That does not look like a guy with a narrow head, bro.

02:04:39.000 Yes, it does.

02:04:40.000 Look at that.

02:04:40.000 Yeah, your mind.

02:04:41.000 Uh-uh.

02:04:42.000 If your head was next to his head, his head would eclipse your head.

02:04:46.000 No.

02:04:47.000 Yes, it would.

02:04:47.000 There'd be nothing behind you.

02:04:49.000 Look how long that head is. 0.93

02:04:50.000 Narrow head.

02:04:51.000 If his head got in front of you, I wouldn't even know you were there.

02:04:53.000 I'd be like, Theo, is that you back there?

02:04:55.000 I'd see the bottom of your head.

02:04:58.000 I'm back here jerking off with my non-dominant hand, brother.

02:05:02.000 It doesn't count.

02:05:05.000 Dude, you think it's...

02:05:07.000 I better be crazy in this.

02:05:08.000 I don't know why I'm thinking about this, but to watch people from different ethnicities jerk off, you know? 1.00

02:05:14.000 Boy, we're back to this again.

02:05:16.000 Jesus.

02:05:16.000 But you know what I'm saying, though?

02:05:17.000 No, I think you should watch a little porn and get this out of your system.

02:05:20.000 Nah, man, I'm not watching it.

02:05:21.000 Are you jerking off from memory now?

02:05:23.000 Yeah, I'm jerking off from memory now.

02:05:25.000 Do you find that your fantasies become more elaborate?

02:05:28.000 100%.

02:05:29.000 They're more exciting.

02:05:29.000 Do you have to set it up?

02:05:30.000 Do you have to set it up in your head?

02:05:32.000 Oh, no, it's something like that.

02:05:33.000 How many days a week are you beating it?

02:05:36.000 More than four and you got a problem.

02:05:38.000 Oh, no.

02:05:39.000 Two days a week.

02:05:41.000 And I'm disappointed at that.

02:05:43.000 I'm just trying to turn over a new leaf, you know?

02:05:46.000 I want to not jerk off that much.

02:05:49.000 Just walk around, be confused.

02:05:51.000 I think that's...

02:05:52.000 Look, if you just look at sexual desire and lust...

02:05:59.000 Yeah.

02:06:01.000 There's a reason why you become more and more desperate as time goes on.

02:06:05.000 It's like your sights are set too high or you're not being ambitious enough.

02:06:09.000 You've got to spread your seed.

02:06:11.000 If you think about how ridiculous it is, if people didn't know that having sex with people has consequences, and by that I mean you can get pregnant, you can get diseases, and there's cultural limitations, people frown upon it, but if there was none of those,

02:06:27.000 can you imagine how much people would be fucking?

02:06:28.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:29.000 It would be insane.

02:06:30.000 Yeah.

02:06:31.000 Or if there was no such thing as masturbating.

02:06:33.000 You could fuck at a gas station.

02:06:34.000 People would be fucking, yeah.

02:06:35.000 If masturbation was impossible, first of all, you know what would happen?

02:06:40.000 What?

02:06:41.000 Women would rule everything. 1.00

02:06:43.000 100%.

02:06:44.000 But men would have so much chi built up in them. 0.96

02:06:46.000 Nope.

02:06:47.000 Nope.

02:06:47.000 They'd be bitches.

02:06:48.000 They'd be giving in every chance they could.

02:06:51.000 Oh, because the women would own it. 1.00

02:06:52.000 It would be worth so much more.

02:06:53.000 Oh.

02:06:54.000 Yeah, because women would be able to decide whether or not you came. 1.00

02:06:58.000 If that was the only way, if women were the rulers of whether or not you came, if there was no way to come without them, oh my god, they would dominate. 1.00

02:07:07.000 We're fucked, dude.

02:07:08.000 I know that's going to be the next law.

02:07:09.000 If they're really smart, that's how they would take over.

02:07:13.000 Chop our arms off.

02:07:19.000 Dude, what are you telling me though?

02:07:21.000 You wouldn't watch like a little like Chinese guy jerk off from like 30 feet away. 1.00

02:07:25.000 Oh my god, I'm going back to this again.

02:07:26.000 No, but just tell me.

02:07:27.000 I've watched train accidents.

02:07:28.000 I don't want them to happen.

02:07:30.000 If Jamie pulls up a video of a train accident, oh my god, you gotta see this one.

02:07:33.000 Shit.

02:07:33.000 Okay, go ahead.

02:07:34.000 I'd watch it.

02:07:35.000 Oh, I don't watch that kind of stuff.

02:07:37.000 You don't?

02:07:37.000 But tell me about this.

02:07:38.000 How close do you get?

02:07:40.000 Like, there's a Chinese guy jerking off in a park, okay? 1.00

02:07:43.000 And he's...

02:07:44.000 Depends on who I am.

02:07:45.000 He's Cantonese.

02:07:46.000 He's Cantonese.

02:07:47.000 Am I me right now?

02:07:48.000 You're you.

02:07:49.000 Right now.

02:07:49.000 You're jogging, right?

02:07:50.000 Jogging.

02:07:51.000 Guys beating off.

02:07:53.000 Depends on how close he is to the road.

02:07:54.000 But you stop to tie your shoe, right?

02:07:55.000 And you see him in the park.

02:07:56.000 You're like, oh, that guy's definitely beaten off.

02:07:58.000 And you're about 200 yards away.

02:08:00.000 I probably would stay there.

02:08:01.000 How close would you walk to it?

02:08:02.000 I don't know.

02:08:03.000 When someone's jerking off in public, you have an obligation to do one of two things.

02:08:07.000 It depends on what he's doing.

02:08:09.000 Is he looking at you and jerking off?

02:08:10.000 No.

02:08:10.000 Because if he's looking at you and jerking off, if he's doing it out in the open, he might be sick.

02:08:15.000 But he's turned enough towards you that you're kind of invited, I think.

02:08:17.000 No, no, no.

02:08:18.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:08:19.000 If you're in the park, this is just...

02:08:23.000 I mean, being 100% serious, if I'm running in the park and I see five yards over to the side, right next to a tree, there's a guy beating off, I'm going to stop running.

02:08:35.000 And I'm going to look at him, and I'm going to look at all the people around him, and I'm going to keep an eye on him.

02:08:40.000 And I'm probably either going to call the cops, or I'm definitely going to stand there.

02:08:44.000 Because what if some person is jogging, and he just decides this is the time to jump on this person?

02:08:50.000 Yeah.

02:08:51.000 What if some kid is walking by and he snatches that kid and drags him into the bushes?

02:08:54.000 This guy is so crazy, he's beating off in public and he's looking at you?

02:08:58.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:08:59.000 I don't think I would go over and be violent with him, but I would definitely keep an eye on him.

02:09:04.000 I'm not going to let...

02:09:05.000 What if he's a fucking sexual predator and he's looking to do something to someone and you could be like Peter Parker in Spider-Man and save your uncle?

02:09:13.000 Yeah.

02:09:14.000 Right?

02:09:14.000 You know that's what made Peter Parker become Spider-Man?

02:09:16.000 He saved his uncle?

02:09:17.000 Well, he had the power, and he didn't save his uncle, and a robber ran past him, and he didn't feel like he had to do anything about it, and the robber got into the elevator, and he killed his uncle.

02:09:25.000 Oh, I didn't even know that.

02:09:26.000 Yeah, that's the story.

02:09:27.000 And it wasn't an elevator.

02:09:28.000 I forget what the actual story was, but the robber did something to his uncle and killed him, and his uncle was everything to him.

02:09:35.000 His uncle took care of him.

02:09:36.000 So then he decided he could never let evil people do anything bad again, and he became Spider-Man.

02:09:41.000 I like that.

02:09:41.000 The superhero.

02:09:42.000 I think you have an obligation, especially if you're Yeah.

02:09:50.000 Yeah.

02:10:09.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:10:10.000 They're probably not looking to meet another man.

02:10:12.000 I would tell another dude, if I saw another dude, I'd grab another dude for sure to help me. 0.72

02:10:15.000 Like, let's get this dude.

02:10:16.000 I'd be like, hey, hey, hey, come here, man.

02:10:18.000 This fucking guy's just beating off.

02:10:21.000 And most men would be like, oh, Jesus, what do we do?

02:10:23.000 We'll call the cops.

02:10:25.000 Keep an eye on them.

02:10:25.000 I'm going to call the cops.

02:10:26.000 Don't let them get away.

02:10:28.000 If somebody runs by, tell them to.

02:10:30.000 Oh, yeah.

02:10:32.000 See, when someone's really crazy...

02:10:36.000 When someone's really crazy, like that kind of crazy, like some guy got arrested for trying to abduct a kid, trying to drag a kid into his house, and he had horns on his head.

02:10:45.000 He's got horns.

02:10:46.000 He's a sexual predator, and he's got those implants in his head where he looks like some kind of a fucking demon, and his ears hang down to his fucking chin.

02:10:56.000 Fucking idiots.

02:10:57.000 Oh, great.

02:10:57.000 That guy's out there.

02:10:58.000 That's a real guy.

02:10:59.000 Just got caught, right?

02:11:01.000 So if you run into that sort of a situation, you have to, as a person, you can't just run away.

02:11:08.000 I feel like you've got to stand around and make this, you know, make people aware of this.

02:11:14.000 Right.

02:11:14.000 Say, hey, this guy's trying to come over here.

02:11:17.000 This guy is jerking off.

02:11:18.000 Or, yeah, I think getting somebody else to help.

02:11:21.000 But there's less of that than there's ever been before, but there's always going to be some of it.

02:11:25.000 So you're talking about with pedophiles.

02:11:27.000 Like, how do you stop that forever?

02:11:28.000 Right.

02:11:29.000 How is that possible to stop that forever?

02:11:31.000 We had a dude in school when I was growing up, this guy Big Richard, right?

02:11:34.000 And he ended up...

02:11:36.000 You mean Big Dick?

02:11:37.000 That's what you call him?

02:11:38.000 No, this guy...

02:11:38.000 Well, we didn't know...

02:11:39.000 This was before we were old enough to know that Dick and Richard were the same name.

02:11:42.000 How are Dick and...

02:11:43.000 How about this?

02:11:43.000 How is Jack John?

02:11:46.000 How is short for John Jack?

02:11:48.000 Is it really?

02:11:49.000 Yeah.

02:11:49.000 I don't even know that.

02:11:50.000 JFK. John F. Kennedy.

02:11:52.000 John F. Kennedy.

02:11:53.000 Jack Kennedy.

02:11:54.000 Oh, wow.

02:11:55.000 I didn't know who Jack Kennedy was.

02:11:57.000 The fuck is that?

02:11:58.000 Yeah.

02:11:59.000 There's some other weird ones, right?

02:12:00.000 We're never going to get a universal language if we can't even get that right.

02:12:03.000 It's from Irish.

02:12:04.000 It's how you say Jack in Irish.

02:12:05.000 I had to look this up.

02:12:06.000 Really?

02:12:06.000 Yeah.

02:12:07.000 John.

02:12:07.000 Since they're Irish, that makes a lot more sense.

02:12:09.000 John.

02:12:09.000 The way you say John, I believe, actually.

02:12:11.000 I guess if you said it fast and from far away, it could sound like Jack.

02:12:13.000 Hey, John.

02:12:14.000 Yeah.

02:12:15.000 How about short for Barbara is Babs?

02:12:18.000 Yeah, I know a Babs, actually.

02:12:20.000 Is that...

02:12:22.000 Babs, that's weird.

02:12:23.000 Short for Barbara. 1.00

02:12:24.000 Barb is a rough name though, I think.

02:12:26.000 Barb?

02:12:27.000 Like a hook?

02:12:28.000 Yeah, like, and who wants to go home and fuck Barb, you know? 1.00

02:12:31.000 But Barbie is cute. 1.00

02:12:31.000 Barbie is cute. 1.00

02:12:33.000 Huh.

02:12:34.000 Sal is like a man's name.

02:12:36.000 Salvatore.

02:12:37.000 But that's a short for a woman. 1.00

02:12:38.000 But there's other weird ones with men.

02:12:39.000 I know there's some other weird ones that I forget.

02:12:41.000 Big Sal.

02:12:42.000 I know a lesbian named Big Sal. 1.00

02:12:44.000 Whoa.

02:12:44.000 What's her real name?

02:12:45.000 Sally?

02:12:46.000 I don't know.

02:12:47.000 So I used to be called Sal?

02:12:48.000 But one time she borrowed a man's bathing suit to go swimming with us, and I thought that was pretty impressive, dude.

02:12:53.000 No top or tops?

02:12:54.000 No top.

02:12:55.000 Daddy, let's go.

02:12:56.000 She's fucking selling. 1.00

02:12:57.000 She was in the shallow end, too, Daddy, you know?

02:13:00.000 And that's a healthy gal. 1.00

02:13:03.000 But yeah, I think if somebody...

02:13:05.000 I was in Germany one time, and I was on a bike ride, and they had a man swinging his dick in a big circle, and I thought that that was...

02:13:12.000 But it was a nudist area of a park.

02:13:14.000 Well, if you got a nudist area, that's what you're going to encounter.

02:13:17.000 Yeah.

02:13:17.000 People swinging dicks.

02:13:18.000 Yeah, I guess I was kind of...

02:13:19.000 I just sped off.

02:13:21.000 Yeah.

02:13:24.000 I think about it sometimes.

02:13:26.000 About Big Sal?

02:13:28.000 No, but it's about that guy in the park and what he was doing, why he was doing that.

02:13:32.000 You know what I used to think?

02:13:33.000 I used to think, oh, look at that piece of shit.

02:13:36.000 Now I think, oh, that was a baby.

02:13:39.000 Right.

02:13:39.000 That was a baby that now became this helicopter dick weirdo.

02:13:43.000 What happened?

02:13:44.000 Standing on the street, pointing to his hog, spinning around like a hula.

02:13:47.000 That's exactly what he was doing, spinning like that.

02:13:51.000 It's fucking weird, man.

02:13:53.000 It's crazy.

02:13:53.000 It's fucking weird.

02:13:54.000 It's weird that there are people that do that.

02:13:56.000 And how much of that is because of repression?

02:13:59.000 If you went to the most sexually liberated country, do they have more or less perversion?

02:14:05.000 That's the question.

02:14:06.000 And how much of it is imported?

02:14:09.000 If you went to the most sexually liberated place...

02:14:13.000 We're good to go.

02:14:34.000 I wonder if that's also why we get so much done.

02:14:37.000 Yeah.

02:14:38.000 You know, like, do we?

02:14:39.000 I mean, maybe it's just...

02:14:40.000 Maybe it's my perception that we get more done than other...

02:14:43.000 That we're more productive.

02:14:45.000 I mean, it's...

02:14:46.000 I think we focus on it a lot.

02:14:47.000 Yeah.

02:14:48.000 A lot of things have definitely come from here.

02:14:50.000 But I think that's changing, right?

02:14:52.000 Yeah.

02:14:53.000 But I think pedophiles going out of style, too.

02:14:55.000 I think there was a time where a more...

02:14:57.000 People got away with it easier, that's for sure.

02:14:59.000 Yeah.

02:15:00.000 It's harder to get away with it, but God, that fucking...

02:15:02.000 Whatever that is that makes a person do that just doesn't seem like we've eradicated that.

02:15:08.000 It must just be a loose wire in them.

02:15:10.000 Imagine that.

02:15:11.000 The thing about that is if they could one day figure out a way to get certain traits and breed them out of people or engineer them out of people...

02:15:21.000 We're fucked then.

02:15:23.000 Well, what would you leave in?

02:15:27.000 Would you leave in emotional outbursts?

02:15:30.000 Would you leave in the ability to have an emotional outburst?

02:15:33.000 Like, what the fuck?

02:15:34.000 Yeah, I would leave that.

02:15:35.000 Would you leave that in?

02:15:36.000 That's fun.

02:15:37.000 Yeah, it's fun for me, but maybe you and I wouldn't be the ones who decide.

02:15:41.000 Would you leave sneezing in?

02:15:43.000 No, I mean, behavior.

02:15:45.000 Male emotional outbursts.

02:15:47.000 Okay.

02:15:48.000 Like, fucking cunts!

02:15:49.000 Yeah.

02:15:50.000 You fucking assholes!

02:15:51.000 Like, that kind of shit.

02:15:52.000 That kind of shit.

02:15:53.000 Yes, I would leave that in.

02:15:54.000 I would leave that in, too.

02:15:55.000 Not a lot of it, though.

02:15:56.000 I'd turn it down a little.

02:15:57.000 I wouldn't fuck with it.

02:15:58.000 I don't think it's our job to fuck with it.

02:15:59.000 Okay.

02:16:00.000 Because you need that if a war breaks out.

02:16:02.000 Right.

02:16:02.000 Yeah, you can't be some guys like, oh, going to war.

02:16:06.000 Yeah, you're going to need that energy.

02:16:07.000 You're going to need that whole male eruption fucking crazed aggression that you don't like.

02:16:14.000 Well, when an invading village is headed over the top of the hill, you want that in a dude with an axe.

02:16:20.000 Yeah.

02:16:20.000 You want that.

02:16:21.000 You want that to be available.

02:16:23.000 Yeah, agreed.

02:16:23.000 Unless we get to a point where we don't have any war anywhere ever again.

02:16:28.000 But until then, what if we engineer it out but the Russians say they're going to but they don't? 0.98

02:16:34.000 They would do that probably.

02:16:35.000 We would do that also.

02:16:37.000 We would definitely do that.

02:16:38.000 We're so fucking sneaky.

02:16:39.000 Do you think that we will have another war?

02:16:43.000 I hope not.

02:16:44.000 But that's always the fear, right?

02:16:45.000 I mean, we're in the middle of two right now.

02:16:49.000 You think there could ever be another state war in America?

02:16:52.000 Like a civil war?

02:16:54.000 States.

02:16:55.000 Well, some people were worried about that.

02:16:57.000 Some people were worried about that.

02:16:59.000 Some people want state-run government.

02:17:00.000 Well, some people were worried about that as hate for the Republicans and hate for Trump in particular ramps up.

02:17:09.000 And that they're really worried that there'll be some sort of a violent outbreak between the right and the left.

02:17:15.000 And that this could actually really happen.

02:17:19.000 Man.

02:17:21.000 It's not impossible.

02:17:37.000 It seems more common, more common, especially with this government shutdown.

02:17:41.000 People are like, what the fuck?

02:17:43.000 There's so many videos of people going, what are you talking about with this wall?

02:17:47.000 We need money.

02:17:49.000 These government people, a lot of them are living check to check.

02:17:52.000 You're shutting down their...

02:17:53.000 This is the only way you can negotiate this wall?

02:17:55.000 This is the only way you can fund this wall?

02:17:57.000 This is crazy.

02:17:58.000 Yeah.

02:17:59.000 Yeah, I mean, it's, I don't know.

02:18:01.000 I mean, people always say the government sucks, fucking shut it down, and then it shuts down, everybody gets mad, you know?

02:18:07.000 Well, it makes an argument that the government should be doing less things.

02:18:11.000 This is the real argument.

02:18:13.000 The argument is, some of those things that the government does, why does the government have to do it?

02:18:18.000 Why can't it be privatized?

02:18:20.000 Why can't it become a business?

02:18:23.000 It would probably run better if some of those things were not run by the government, like airport security, or like road maintenance, or like a lot of other things.

02:18:33.000 Like, don't have the government do it, have private contractors do it, have strong standards.

02:18:40.000 And strong competition.

02:18:43.000 And John Stossel actually has a video about it right now.

02:18:49.000 It's on his Twitter page.

02:18:51.000 It's a long video, but explaining how one of the things people are realizing from this government shutdown is that the government does a lot of things that they don't have to do.

02:19:02.000 It would be probably better for everybody if some of these things We're streamlined.

02:19:07.000 Some of these things were done by the private sector.

02:19:11.000 I don't think that's a bad idea.

02:19:13.000 I think there's a lot of things that could be done better if there was competition, as soon as the government controls certain businesses.

02:19:19.000 I mean, maybe they do it really well, maybe they don't.

02:19:22.000 I think there's certain things where socialism works really well.

02:19:27.000 Here's one.

02:19:29.000 Fire department.

02:19:31.000 You gotta pay for the fire department.

02:19:33.000 Everybody wants to fund the fire department.

02:19:35.000 You cut the fire budget, man.

02:19:36.000 What if my granny dies in a house?

02:19:39.000 Nobody wants fire, man.

02:19:40.000 We gotta pay for the fire department. 0.93

02:19:42.000 Pay for that shit.

02:19:43.000 Pay for the police.

02:19:44.000 Pay.

02:19:45.000 Everybody says, pay.

02:19:47.000 It shouldn't be rich people only get cops and poor people don't get cops.

02:19:50.000 That's crazy.

02:19:51.000 Everyone would say that's crazy, right?

02:19:53.000 Well, why is that not the case with education, too, then?

02:19:56.000 Well, Right.

02:19:57.000 Don't you want people to learn things?

02:19:58.000 When did education become such a big business?

02:20:01.000 Why is that a business?

02:20:02.000 It should be our goal as patriots to make less losers, more happy, successful people, more aware people, more educated people.

02:20:12.000 But instead, it's subsidized by the government, and that makes it even weirder.

02:20:17.000 And then you have student loans, you can't escape.

02:20:19.000 Yeah, a lot of that is pretty bizarre.

02:20:21.000 Dude, it's bizarre as fuck.

02:20:22.000 It should be free.

02:20:24.000 But there's also, like, there's another, like, some people don't want to do anything.

02:20:27.000 That's true.

02:20:28.000 They just want to be alive, and they just, they don't want to contribute and really have any sort of life.

02:20:34.000 That's true.

02:20:34.000 And they have no desire for that, and there's generation and generation and generation of them.

02:20:38.000 That is true.

02:20:39.000 But what if...

02:20:42.000 Do you ever look at universal basic income?

02:20:45.000 It's a weird idea.

02:20:47.000 I flatly rejected it when I first heard it.

02:20:49.000 Do we have it?

02:20:50.000 No, we don't have it.

02:20:51.000 They've tried it out in a couple of places, but I don't think it's really worked out that well.

02:20:55.000 But the idea behind it, I'm having a guy who comes on soon.

02:20:59.000 His name's Andrew Yang.

02:21:00.000 He's a proponent of universal basic income.

02:21:02.000 And the idea is you give people X amount of dollars per month, whether it's $1,000 per month, and everybody gets it, no matter what.

02:21:10.000 And by doing that, you take care of all of the burden of survival.

02:21:16.000 Like, we take care of everyone in the civilization.

02:21:19.000 Everyone gets food.

02:21:20.000 Everyone gets shelter.

02:21:22.000 So that eliminates a lot of crime and a lot of strife just right away.

02:21:26.000 Right.

02:21:26.000 More laid back.

02:21:27.000 The question is, where's all that money come from?

02:21:28.000 There's $1,000 a month, $300...

02:21:33.000 8 million, is that what it was?

02:21:35.000 Plus, you know, that was 2010. It's probably more now.

02:21:38.000 Let's say 320. That is a lot of money.

02:21:42.000 320 million thousand.

02:21:45.000 So that's 320 billion, right?

02:21:49.000 Isn't that what it is?

02:21:50.000 I have no clue, man.

02:21:51.000 320 billion a month.

02:21:53.000 Wouldn't that be...

02:21:54.000 If you gave a thousand people a million dollars, isn't that what it would be?

02:21:58.000 A thousand million is a billion, right?

02:22:02.000 Just do it in the calculator, bro.

02:22:04.000 Don't do it in your head.

02:22:05.000 A thousand million?

02:22:07.000 Yeah.

02:22:07.000 So that's...

02:22:07.000 Right.

02:22:08.000 So it must be.

02:22:08.000 So that's so much money.

02:22:11.000 So three...

02:22:12.000 So the wall...

02:22:13.000 Like him talking about building the wall.

02:22:14.000 Isn't he asking for five billion?

02:22:16.000 Yeah, they want five billion.

02:22:17.000 Yeah, sure.

02:22:17.000 Okay.

02:22:18.000 It's not that much, I don't think.

02:22:19.000 Well, that's to build a wall once.

02:22:21.000 This is every month you would need all those billions.

02:22:26.000 That's a lot of fucking cheddar.

02:22:29.000 Yeah.

02:22:29.000 So that means everybody would have their basic needs met.

02:22:31.000 Yes, everybody would get $1,000.

02:22:32.000 Where that money comes from, this is what I need to talk to this guy about.

02:22:36.000 Obviously, I'm not a mathematician or any sort of an economist, so I don't have any idea what they've...

02:22:40.000 How they feel like they could do this.

02:22:42.000 They got that.

02:22:43.000 $3,000 a month?

02:22:44.000 For every adult in the country.

02:22:45.000 Jesus!

02:22:46.000 That's a lot.

02:22:47.000 Plus a stipend of $250 a month.

02:22:48.000 Is that Andrew Yang?

02:22:49.000 It's not from him specifically, but it's from a guy that was talking bad about it.

02:22:54.000 Actually, he was just giving you what people were asking.

02:22:56.000 Oh, someone talking bad about it.

02:22:57.000 That's that UBI? Yeah, someone talking bad about it.

02:23:00.000 Well, yeah, $3,000 a month is a lot.

02:23:02.000 That's crazy.

02:23:03.000 That's almost...

02:23:04.000 That's crazy.

02:23:06.000 It's $36,000 a year?

02:23:09.000 I mean, that would be nice, right?

02:23:11.000 Then you'd be in the top 1% of the world.

02:23:13.000 Everybody over $34,000?

02:23:15.000 Yeah, $34,000 I think is 1% of the world.

02:23:18.000 It says it would cut the nation's poverty rate in half.

02:23:20.000 Yeah.

02:23:22.000 Where's the money coming from?

02:23:24.000 And also, do you lose incentive at that point?

02:23:26.000 That's a good question.

02:23:27.000 Is that bad?

02:23:28.000 Yes.

02:23:29.000 Is it bad to lose incentive?

02:23:30.000 Yes.

02:23:30.000 Why?

02:23:31.000 Because that's what...

02:23:32.000 It's like the drive.

02:23:33.000 It's the only reason...

02:23:34.000 Otherwise, nobody overcomes anything.

02:23:37.000 Nobody achieves.

02:23:37.000 There's no...

02:23:38.000 Is that true?

02:23:40.000 Does the drive always have to be for survival, or can the drive be the drive to succeed and better yourself?

02:23:49.000 Look at it this way.

02:23:51.000 If you had $35,000 a year, would you think you'd be cool?

02:23:55.000 You'd be like, I don't need to tour.

02:23:56.000 I got $35,000 coming.

02:23:58.000 No, I'd want to work harder.

02:23:59.000 Right.

02:23:59.000 I think a lot of people would want to work harder because I think your motivation would be different.

02:24:04.000 Your motivation would be to do better than $35,000, but that $35,000 would take care of you.

02:24:10.000 Look, if money was free and economy didn't make any sense and you could just fix it like that, I would say, yeah, fix it like that.

02:24:16.000 Where the fuck is all that money coming from?

02:24:18.000 That's a crazy amount of money.

02:24:20.000 Yeah, we couldn't do it.

02:24:21.000 I mean, that means a lot of rich people would have to give up some of their money.

02:24:26.000 People aren't doing all of that.

02:24:27.000 Dude, that would be $900 billion every month.

02:24:32.000 Yeah, nobody's doing that.

02:24:34.000 Am I right about that?

02:24:35.000 $300 billion?

02:24:36.000 It's for every adult.

02:24:37.000 It's not to give it to every person.

02:24:40.000 Oh, okay.

02:24:41.000 Every adult.

02:24:42.000 Oh, so you'd have to raise your kids. 0.89

02:24:43.000 They get the money.

02:24:44.000 Fuck it.

02:24:45.000 They get a car, $3,000, no bills.

02:24:48.000 That's true.

02:24:49.000 So how many people are we dealing with?

02:24:50.000 How many people are adults?

02:24:51.000 It changes, too.

02:24:52.000 This is the argument they make, that you would end some of the subsidies that are already going on, like Medicare and Social Security and maybe welfare in some cases, because people would have money that they're spending or they're getting now, so that money might, I don't know.

02:25:06.000 It'd be worth a shot.

02:25:07.000 I think it'd be worth a shot, but how long do you try to make, you know, because then people are going to be like, I needed more time, you know?

02:25:15.000 Right.

02:25:15.000 Well, that would be, they wouldn't ever get their shit together.

02:25:18.000 There's some people that will definitely do that.

02:25:20.000 There's some people that will never get their shit together, and...

02:25:24.000 I don't believe that this is a simulation.

02:25:26.000 I don't believe that we're in some sort of a video game.

02:25:28.000 But if we're in something that was a learning environment, you would want both to have your own opportunities for failure and to see examples of failure around you.

02:25:38.000 You would want to see that.

02:25:41.000 I'm not happy that Artie Lang, that his nose is caved in and that he's got all these problems with drugs.

02:25:47.000 I'm not happy with that.

02:25:48.000 I love Artie Lang.

02:25:49.000 I want Artie Lang to be clean.

02:25:50.000 I think he's hilarious.

02:25:51.000 I think he's a great guy.

02:25:53.000 The one thing that could be good that comes out of that for anyone other than Artie Lang and Artie Lang's loved ones and friends is someone that's just looking at him online and sees what he's done and goes, fuck, man, I don't want to ruin it.

02:26:09.000 This guy's in and out of court.

02:26:11.000 He's always getting arrested.

02:26:12.000 He keeps pissing hot.

02:26:14.000 It's kind of cheesy.

02:26:15.000 I was reading something today.

02:26:16.000 Well, the thing is that it's sad.

02:26:19.000 It's sad, and people love the guy, and you see this is dangerous.

02:26:24.000 Drugs are dangerous.

02:26:25.000 Some people, it hits them this way, and for whatever host of factors, Artie's got it bad.

02:26:33.000 We love Artie.

02:26:34.000 So someone on the outside seeing that could be like, wow.

02:26:37.000 And that now is a thought in their head if somebody offers them those same drugs.

02:26:42.000 And so I don't need to make my life hit rock bottom.

02:26:47.000 I can look at this guy or that guy or maybe someone in the neighborhood or people around you that don't get their shit together.

02:26:54.000 You can see what happens when they don't chase their dreams, they don't follow their ambitions, they don't...

02:27:01.000 Take the time to let the people around them know that they love them.

02:27:04.000 They don't do those things, and you get to see that.

02:27:07.000 That's a little bit of your own education, too.

02:27:09.000 It's not ideal.

02:27:11.000 Ideal would be everybody is doing great, and we would all have this big old fucking happy community.

02:27:17.000 But yeah, some education comes from that.

02:27:19.000 You get education from that.

02:27:21.000 And also, but do you start to, even specifically with Artie Lang, do you ever think that when that started to become such a big part of his life, that I worried that...

02:27:31.000 I wonder, is he going to falter with drugs and stuff because it keeps his name in people's minds?

02:27:39.000 No, I don't think so.

02:27:40.000 I wouldn't think people would.

02:27:42.000 He was always a successful guy anyway.

02:27:45.000 When I met him, he was on MADtv.

02:27:47.000 I met him in 1994, the same time I met Callan.

02:27:51.000 I became friends with Artie.

02:27:52.000 We did a scene together where I played a boxer, and he was a boxing manager.

02:27:58.000 I didn't even know that.

02:27:59.000 I didn't even know he did that show.

02:28:00.000 Yeah, man, it's probably online somewhere.

02:28:03.000 Wow, he looks so young.

02:28:04.000 I was like, I think I was 27. Wow.

02:28:09.000 Yeah, and he was probably the same age as me, or real close, as was Callan.

02:28:14.000 Callan is just a...

02:28:15.000 That's me right there.

02:28:17.000 That is crazy.

02:28:19.000 You're the boxer?

02:28:19.000 Yeah.

02:28:20.000 Wow.

02:28:21.000 Dude, that is crazy.

02:28:23.000 Oh, look at the shoulders, though, huh?

02:28:31.000 Oh my god.

02:28:32.000 This is atrocious.

02:28:34.000 What does it feel like to look at your young body like that?

02:28:36.000 It's weird.

02:28:37.000 Is it?

02:28:37.000 Yeah, it's weird.

02:28:39.000 Does it feel like a different person?

02:28:40.000 Yeah, it doesn't feel like it was me.

02:28:44.000 Yeah.

02:28:45.000 Yeah.

02:28:46.000 Well, you look at yourself, you know, from the past.

02:28:50.000 Fuck, bro.

02:28:50.000 Look at you, huh?

02:28:51.000 Look at Artie.

02:28:52.000 Handsome guy.

02:28:53.000 Even Artie's fucking handsome in this shit.

02:28:54.000 Dude, I had hair.

02:28:55.000 Look at all that hair.

02:28:57.000 It's kind of an illusion.

02:28:58.000 Was it?

02:28:59.000 Yeah, it was falling out.

02:29:00.000 It was definitely on the way.

02:29:02.000 Did you know you were going to lose your hair?

02:29:04.000 Terrified.

02:29:06.000 Yeah.

02:29:06.000 It's weird seeing my body with no tattoos, too.

02:29:09.000 Oh, that's interesting, I bet.

02:29:11.000 Yeah.

02:29:11.000 That wasn't even, like, weightlifting days.

02:29:14.000 That was all martial arts days.

02:29:16.000 Dang, bro.

02:29:18.000 Strange.

02:29:20.000 But, yeah, the first time I even heard of Artie was just through drugs, so maybe my perception of that is that, you know?

02:29:26.000 Well, Artie...

02:29:29.000 You know, he was a very successful comedian for sure from the Howard Stern show from doing dirty work that Norm Macdonald movie and a bunch of other things mad TV so many different things that he did He was always very successful and very well liked like in the comedy world if you don't like Like if someone says fuck Artie Lang you'd be like what really?

02:29:47.000 Right.

02:29:48.000 Who the fuck are you?

02:29:49.000 Yeah, what you don't like Artie?

02:29:51.000 Yeah, that's wrong.

02:29:52.000 He's the nicest guy ever It's just one of those things, man.

02:29:55.000 You don't want to see it go down like that.

02:29:59.000 You don't want to.

02:30:00.000 But you learn from it.

02:30:01.000 Yeah, other people learn from it.

02:30:02.000 Other people do learn from it.

02:30:03.000 Other people learn from all kinds of things that people do wrong.

02:30:07.000 You know, you don't want those things to happen, but man, they're educational for all of us.

02:30:11.000 We're all in this constant state of evolving.

02:30:13.000 This culture that we're in right now, this civilization is rapidly changing.

02:30:18.000 Everything is shifting and moving and growing.

02:30:21.000 It's out of control, man.

02:30:22.000 I mean, it really is.

02:30:23.000 Oh, and a lot of elements.

02:30:25.000 I was listening to when you and Bill Burr were talking last time.

02:30:29.000 He was talking about flying around and stuff like that.

02:30:31.000 And then he was talking about doing a comedy special.

02:30:33.000 And he's like, I don't even know what to do with it these days.

02:30:35.000 Do I just do clips?

02:30:36.000 Do I put it...

02:30:37.000 Yeah, things just change so fast.

02:30:39.000 Whereas a year ago or two years ago, it would have been like, oh, this is exactly what you do.

02:30:42.000 Make a special.

02:30:43.000 Now it's like, do I... Right.

02:30:51.000 Right.

02:30:52.000 Right.

02:31:02.000 And then people realized that he made a shit ton of money, and then people realized how good he was, and then people realized how famous he really actually was, and then everything started booming and taking off for him.

02:31:12.000 And he was already in the process of happening, but it happened even more because he did that.

02:31:16.000 Then, Netflix came along.

02:31:18.000 Right.

02:31:18.000 That's the ideal.

02:31:20.000 They shook it up.

02:31:21.000 There's nothing better than that situation.

02:31:23.000 That situation, they just set it up.

02:31:25.000 They're like, we're going to get everybody.

02:31:27.000 We have a fucking trillion dollars.

02:31:30.000 We're going to get everybody.

02:31:31.000 We're going to get all the greats.

02:31:33.000 We're going to get Chappelle, Chris Ross, everybody.

02:31:36.000 Fill in the blanks.

02:31:37.000 Sebastian.

02:31:38.000 They're just going to crush Bill Burr.

02:31:39.000 They're going to just crush it and keep crushing it.

02:31:44.000 And then anything else now, like if someone has a special on Comedy Central, you go, oh, I guess Netflix wouldn't hook them up.

02:31:53.000 Yeah.

02:31:53.000 They ought to go to Comedy Central.

02:31:54.000 That's how you look at it.

02:31:55.000 Right.

02:31:55.000 In the comedy community.

02:31:56.000 Right.

02:31:57.000 But I think a real player is going to be Amazon, because this Amazon show, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

02:32:05.000 Yeah, people love it.

02:32:06.000 It is fucking good, man.

02:32:08.000 Is it?

02:32:08.000 It's good.

02:32:09.000 As a comic, I watch it, I get nervous.

02:32:12.000 I get anxiety when she's about to go on stage.

02:32:16.000 I gotta watch it.

02:32:17.000 Dude, it's fucking good.

02:32:18.000 The guy who plays Lenny Bruce kills it.

02:32:21.000 Kills it.

02:32:22.000 He seems like a less seedy, less problematic Lenny Bruce.

02:32:27.000 But he seems a lot like Lenny Bruce.

02:32:29.000 I mean, he's, you know, he can only do so much with it.

02:32:30.000 He's written in as a, he's like someone who helps the Marvelous Mrs. Mayfield.

02:32:35.000 Was Lenny seedy?

02:32:36.000 Was Lenny Bruce seedy, man?

02:32:38.000 A little bit.

02:32:39.000 I mean, it's just...

02:32:40.000 He doesn't seem...

02:32:42.000 This is just...

02:32:43.000 The way it's written doesn't seem like a guy who died of a heroin overdose.

02:32:46.000 Right.

02:32:47.000 Is that how he died?

02:32:47.000 Yeah.

02:32:48.000 He seems like more together in the TV show.

02:32:51.000 It's almost like, in the TV show, he seems like a victim of the...

02:32:56.000 Censorship of the circumstances involved in that point in time.

02:32:59.000 More like in the future, he went mad.

02:33:03.000 You know, if you ever see any of the ancient...

02:33:05.000 One of the things that I noticed when I really started getting into stand-up, I would watch some of the old stuff.

02:33:11.000 And one of the things that I found is that you can...

02:33:13.000 I think I bought it as a VHS. I don't think it was online.

02:33:17.000 I think it was way before YouTube and this stuff was available online.

02:33:22.000 You could get old performances.

02:33:23.000 And I watched Lenny Bruce.

02:33:25.000 Wow.

02:33:25.000 And this videotape that I bought, it's basically they're filming him going over his court case in front of a group of people.

02:33:34.000 It's really weird because he's not really telling stand-up.

02:33:36.000 He's just reading off of his court case.

02:33:39.000 Oh wow, that's kind of interesting.

02:33:40.000 It's not.

02:33:41.000 It's like he's going mad.

02:33:42.000 It's going crazy because they're trying to bring him into jail.

02:33:45.000 They're fining him and arresting him and they're locking him up in jail and they're ruining his career because he's swearing on stage.

02:33:51.000 And what he's trying to say is, I'm trying to point things out.

02:33:56.000 If I say something, if I say a naughty word, it's for a reason.

02:34:00.000 It's to express myself.

02:34:01.000 I'm not just saying things because they're illegal and I want you to lock me up.

02:34:05.000 He went on trial for that?

02:34:06.000 Oh, yeah.

02:34:07.000 Oh, he went to jail for that.

02:34:08.000 He got arrested many times.

02:34:10.000 Many times.

02:34:11.000 Him and George Carlin.

02:34:12.000 Look, the reason why we can do it the way we do it now, there's a direct, you could trace the path, there's a direct path to Lenny Bruce.

02:34:22.000 Lenny Bruce started it all off.

02:34:24.000 I need to do some more work.

02:34:26.000 He opened the door for guys like Carlin and Pryor.

02:34:30.000 There's Mort Saul back then, too, but Lenny in particular.

02:34:34.000 He had an irreverence to him and this notion to buck the current standard of what you could and couldn't say.

02:34:46.000 You know, he just changed what comedy was.

02:34:49.000 That's brave.

02:34:50.000 Dude, he was a...

02:34:51.000 You know, there's people like that that are these figures, whether it's Nikola Tesla for technology and innovation, whether it's...

02:34:58.000 You know, there's a bunch of people like that in this world.

02:35:00.000 Yeah.

02:35:01.000 Changers.

02:35:02.000 One dude.

02:35:02.000 It's like Elon Musk is another one.

02:35:04.000 One dude.

02:35:04.000 Pow!

02:35:05.000 Just, woo! 0.98

02:35:06.000 Look at this.

02:35:06.000 Jesus Christ.

02:35:08.000 There's these people that are like that.

02:35:10.000 One guy just goes off in a direction.

02:35:11.000 Yeah.

02:35:12.000 And I think, like, I wonder, say, if they went to the universal money for everybody, right?

02:35:21.000 UBI or whatever it was.

02:35:22.000 I don't necessarily think it's the worst thing in the world.

02:35:25.000 But then would you have as much adversity for people?

02:35:27.000 Like, would you get a Nikola Tesla?

02:35:28.000 Would you get a George Carlin?

02:35:30.000 Would you get people if they didn't have...

02:35:33.000 To look at the world that they're born into and see not things be uneven and spark some desire.

02:35:40.000 I just wonder if we get that.

02:35:41.000 I don't know.

02:35:42.000 I think you would only have your needs met.

02:35:45.000 I think you would still have your desire to improve.

02:35:47.000 I think that's an inherent thing.

02:35:49.000 But I think it would be more beneficial.

02:35:52.000 This is just a wild guess.

02:35:54.000 I might be totally wrong.

02:35:55.000 It might be totally wrong and you might be right.

02:35:58.000 It might ruin people's ambition.

02:35:59.000 But it might raise the base level.

02:36:02.000 So what we're operating from is never the same level of desperation.

02:36:06.000 So maybe we're not as mean to each other.

02:36:08.000 But maybe the innovation still takes place because people are always going to want to be challenged.

02:36:12.000 And maybe it comes from a good place instead of from this constant place of desperation.

02:36:19.000 Right, so if somebody goes from a zero to a ten in their life, which would be somebody that does something unique and special and outstanding, if everybody automatically is given a three at their base, then now that person is going to get us to a thirteen.

02:36:30.000 Yeah, or maybe you just don't have as much violence.

02:36:34.000 You don't have as much sadness.

02:36:36.000 Oh, that's true, because people, yeah, people were violent when they see, they want stuff from other people.

02:36:41.000 If your food and your shelter is always met, like, we don't have that, right?

02:36:47.000 And we talked about earlier about, like, cultures have standards, and these standards, they're different everywhere, and those communities accept them, and they don't like it when you try to change the standards.

02:36:56.000 Mm-hmm.

02:36:56.000 If our standards here were that all of our needs are met, we decide as a community, if we're going to stick together and call ourselves America, we should treat ourselves as a family.

02:37:06.000 We treat ourselves as a family.

02:37:07.000 We shouldn't ignore neighborhoods.

02:37:08.000 We shouldn't ignore communities that are downtrodden.

02:37:12.000 We shouldn't ignore any kind of poverty.

02:37:14.000 We shouldn't ignore a lack of education or a lack of nutrition.

02:37:17.000 We shouldn't ignore those things.

02:37:19.000 So if we take care of all those things, all of those things, First, before we do anything else, if you had to re-engineer America, would you think, hey, what we have to do is ramp up the military budget by $94 billion because we're basically arms dealers.

02:37:33.000 And we're going to make these deals with Syria and Saudi Arabia and wherever the fuck we could sell rockets to. 0.93

02:37:37.000 No!

02:37:38.000 But that's what we do.

02:37:40.000 That's what we do.

02:37:40.000 That is what we do.

02:37:41.000 But if instead, someone came along and said, no, the way to make this country stronger is not make the arms industry bigger.

02:37:47.000 The way to make this country stronger is to make the human industry better.

02:37:50.000 Right.

02:37:51.000 Make it better.

02:37:51.000 Let's fine-tune humans.

02:37:53.000 Fine-tune us.

02:37:53.000 Yeah, why haven't we done that?

02:37:54.000 Less losers.

02:37:56.000 Yeah.

02:37:57.000 2024. I like that.

02:37:58.000 Theo Vaughn, run for president.

02:37:59.000 Less losers.

02:38:00.000 That would be the best.

02:38:00.000 I'll be your vice president, but I'll be like Pence.

02:38:02.000 I don't do anything.

02:38:03.000 I like that, man.

02:38:04.000 Just hang back and eat chicken.

02:38:05.000 Nice, and I'll have the weird hair.

02:38:08.000 I gotta pee so bad.

02:38:09.000 Yeah, go ahead.

02:38:11.000 We're probably almost done anyway.

02:38:12.000 It's already 3 o'clock.

02:38:13.000 Go pee.

02:38:14.000 Go pee.

02:38:14.000 Here's an infographic on the UBI. It's because the argument for the positive or wanting it is a lot of jobs are going to be replaced by robots soon.

02:38:23.000 Right.

02:38:24.000 And these are some of the jobs that are at risk.

02:38:27.000 Yeah.

02:38:27.000 They think automation is going to kill most jobs.

02:38:31.000 So insurance underwriter, 99% of jobs are at risk.

02:38:35.000 Farm laborer, 97% of jobs are at risk.

02:38:38.000 Wow.

02:38:39.000 Fast food cook, 97% of jobs at risk.

02:38:42.000 Construction laborer, 88%.

02:38:45.000 Truck driver, 79%.

02:38:48.000 Mail carrier, 68%.

02:38:51.000 Wow.

02:38:51.000 They recently had a robot cooking food.

02:38:55.000 I think it was called Flippy.

02:38:57.000 I don't remember where they put it.

02:38:58.000 I think it was somewhere in the United States maybe, but they just fired it was the word they used because it was doing too good.

02:39:03.000 Whoa.

02:39:05.000 Yeah.

02:39:05.000 Fired it because it was doing too good.

02:39:08.000 That doesn't...

02:39:09.000 I get it.

02:39:09.000 I believe it.

02:39:10.000 Yeah.

02:39:11.000 That's a stupid ass-ended way of looking at it.

02:39:14.000 I don't understand that stupid shit.

02:39:16.000 Some place called Cali Burger.

02:39:17.000 I don't know where that is.

02:39:18.000 It was too good.

02:39:20.000 That's so stupid.

02:39:23.000 That's so dumb.

02:39:24.000 It's been sidelined, at least temporarily.

02:39:26.000 Turns out the automated fast food worker created by Miso Robux was a victim of his own success.

02:39:31.000 150 burgers an hour.

02:39:33.000 Wow.

02:39:33.000 So, yeah.

02:39:34.000 Why's that bad?

02:39:35.000 It's better.

02:39:36.000 It's way better.

02:39:37.000 It's better than you.

02:39:37.000 You don't want to work that job.

02:39:38.000 No.

02:39:39.000 Right?

02:39:39.000 I'd suck at that job.

02:39:40.000 If we can find some other things for people to do, maybe.

02:39:43.000 You know, I'm good at a couple of things.

02:39:45.000 I'm not good at flipping burgers.

02:39:47.000 You're not good at that.

02:39:48.000 You don't want to fucking mindlessly flip burgers.

02:39:50.000 It doesn't even need a mind.

02:39:52.000 Why not leave the mindless things to things with no mind?

02:39:55.000 So this is the idea behind it.

02:39:56.000 But the problem is, where's the money come to take care of all the people with the universal basic income?

02:40:01.000 And are you saving enough money with the robots to make it actually profitable to pay for people?

02:40:08.000 There's a part on that here.

02:40:10.000 Like you save more money and make more money.

02:40:14.000 Well, Andrew Yang is going to come in here and he's going to explain all this stuff to me in a way that's supposedly going to make sense.

02:40:22.000 He seems really smart and he was on Sam Harris' podcast and that worked over there.

02:40:28.000 Man, that's the most urine I've ever held, I think.

02:40:30.000 Congratulations.

02:40:32.000 How much can you hold?

02:40:34.000 What kind of car do you drive, Theo Vaughn?

02:40:36.000 I drive a BMW. But I'm trying to get rid of it.

02:40:40.000 I figure you're more for a muscle car type fella.

02:40:42.000 Really?

02:40:43.000 Yeah.

02:40:44.000 I used to own a 1984 Ford Escort and somebody stole my passenger seat.

02:40:48.000 God damn it.

02:40:49.000 Yeah.

02:40:49.000 What are they going to do with a passenger seat?

02:40:51.000 I don't know.

02:40:52.000 Probably put in the living room, I would guess, at the time.

02:40:56.000 Or put in the forest and jerk off.

02:40:57.000 Dude, how much comes out in the fucking forest, bro?

02:41:03.000 A lot.

02:41:04.000 That's where the next...

02:41:04.000 No wonder a swamp thing happened.

02:41:06.000 Well, I was thinking this once.

02:41:08.000 They found out that in some plants, some plants contain...

02:41:12.000 DNA from salmon, because the salmon were used as fertilizer by the plant.

02:41:18.000 As it decomposed, it got into the actual plant itself, and you can actually somehow or another, through some scientific process that I'm too stupid to understand, they can actually detect salmon in the actual plant itself.

02:41:31.000 We're close.

02:41:31.000 So if you were whacking off on that tree and that tree, it's every day, that's your spot.

02:41:36.000 You went down to that titty tree and whacked off on the roots.

02:41:39.000 Yeah.

02:41:40.000 And then like after a while, you did an analysis and you found your DNA in the tree itself.

02:41:46.000 Hell yeah.

02:41:46.000 Can you imagine?

02:41:47.000 Oh, it'd be great, man.

02:41:48.000 If it maintains the information of everything that whacked off on it.

02:41:51.000 You have a little son made out of wood one day.

02:41:54.000 Dude, they had a kid in our town.

02:41:55.000 One time, this guy made his son a wooden shirt.

02:41:58.000 Did I tell you that?

02:41:59.000 A wooden shirt?

02:42:00.000 Yeah, he made his son a shirt out of plywood for Christmas.

02:42:03.000 What?

02:42:03.000 Yeah.

02:42:04.000 He wanted a kid to wear it?

02:42:05.000 Oh, yeah, he did.

02:42:07.000 And I remember I was...

02:42:08.000 Wait a minute.

02:42:09.000 Is it a stiff shirt?

02:42:10.000 Or did he make it like little itty bitty tiny pieces of plywood and weave it all together?

02:42:15.000 Oh, no.

02:42:15.000 It was pretty stiff.

02:42:17.000 And the dad was a...

02:42:19.000 Yeah, like an Elvis impersonator, you know?

02:42:23.000 The dad was an Elvis impersonator?

02:42:25.000 Yeah.

02:42:25.000 At a casino?

02:42:25.000 Or did he do it at carnivals?

02:42:27.000 No, just locally.

02:42:28.000 Oh.

02:42:30.000 But we didn't even need him.

02:42:31.000 No money in that?

02:42:31.000 No.

02:42:32.000 No money in it.

02:42:33.000 Really, I think he was probably an alcoholic.

02:42:34.000 Yeah.

02:42:35.000 But he had four kids, and one of them he made...

02:42:39.000 I was walking home one night, and I heard him in the garage, and he's making a sun for Christmas, like a wooden shirt.

02:42:49.000 There you go.

02:42:51.000 Not as nice.

02:42:52.000 That one is nice.

02:42:53.000 Wooden shirt.

02:42:54.000 Yeah, can you get more?

02:42:56.000 But that's like a sculpture.

02:42:57.000 Yeah, that's nice.

02:42:59.000 Can you get one more that's like...

02:43:02.000 If you go over someone's house and they have a wooden shirt on a hanger and they think that's cute, just leave.

02:43:09.000 These people are assholes.

02:43:11.000 Now this kid needed it because people used to beat this kid up.

02:43:13.000 Is that salmon?

02:43:15.000 Yeah, it's a framed wooden shirt.

02:43:17.000 People used to beat him up because of his wooden shirt?

02:43:19.000 No, people used to beat him up anyway on the bus.

02:43:21.000 Well, the wooden shirt would protect you from a lot of shots.

02:43:23.000 Is that the idea?

02:43:24.000 He didn't wear that wooden shirt.

02:43:26.000 You better shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:43:27.000 I swear to God he did.

02:43:28.000 That kid's not walking around with wood over his body like that.

02:43:31.000 Not today.

02:43:32.000 You know how heavy that would be?

02:43:33.000 Yeah.

02:43:34.000 Was there pads inside of it?

02:43:36.000 It looked heavy.

02:43:36.000 Fuck no, dude.

02:43:37.000 Who do you think his dad is?

02:43:39.000 Estee Lauder?

02:43:40.000 Yeah, see, there's some lady wearing something there. 1.00

02:43:44.000 But this was early.

02:43:45.000 It might have been teak.

02:43:46.000 That girl needs way too much attention. 1.00

02:43:49.000 Look at her posing, pretending to be aloof, short hair, by the ocean, wearing a wooden shirt. 0.85

02:43:54.000 How about a big no?

02:43:55.000 That's a big no from me.

02:43:56.000 Hey, do you want to meet my friend Michelle?

02:43:58.000 She's channeling with her fucking geometrically patterned Wooden shirt on. 1.00

02:44:04.000 What?

02:44:04.000 No.

02:44:05.000 I like regular people.

02:44:06.000 This kid's name was Eddie.

02:44:07.000 Can you look up Teak?

02:44:08.000 What does Teak look like?

02:44:09.000 Imagine if someone was trying to set you up with that gal. 0.99

02:44:11.000 You'd be like, well, I'm torn.

02:44:13.000 Because obviously she's very pretty. 1.00

02:44:14.000 Are you sure she's not crazy?

02:44:16.000 Yeah.

02:44:17.000 If you're super desperate.

02:44:18.000 She might have splinters in her tits. 1.00

02:44:20.000 I'm out.

02:44:20.000 Dude, it was one photo shoot.

02:44:22.000 She doesn't wear that. 0.64

02:44:23.000 Yeah.

02:44:24.000 Except when she worships the ocean.

02:44:26.000 I don't like that.

02:44:29.000 Now that's something a little more malleable, teak or something like that.

02:44:32.000 What other kind of wood do they have?

02:44:32.000 All over print shirt.

02:44:34.000 Now we're talking.

02:44:35.000 Let's click on that.

02:44:36.000 Yeah, but that's just a print.

02:44:37.000 So it was like that, but a little bit more, but more real.

02:44:40.000 And he wore this for what reason?

02:44:43.000 Protection?

02:44:45.000 Yeah.

02:44:46.000 Like a chest plate?

02:44:47.000 Like a Roman soldier type deal? 0.67

02:44:49.000 I would say like that.

02:44:50.000 Okay.

02:44:51.000 Was it like, how was it connected on the waist, on the sides rather?

02:44:55.000 Yeah.

02:44:55.000 It was just kind of like a long square.

02:44:57.000 It was almost like a kind of a cereal box kind of.

02:44:59.000 Where did he put his arms?

02:45:00.000 Like rest his arms on the side?

02:45:02.000 In the side, yeah.

02:45:03.000 Fuck your armpits up. 0.62

02:45:04.000 Oh, it was limiting.

02:45:05.000 I mean, look, man, these weren't, I mean, the man that made it, not a real savant.

02:45:10.000 You can't do that today.

02:45:11.000 People would find out.

02:45:12.000 They would call him out.

02:45:14.000 Well, yeah, dude, when I was young, you could do anything you wanted to.

02:45:17.000 You know, people were, I don't know, just more fun.

02:45:20.000 Use your imagination more when I was young.

02:45:22.000 You had more fun.

02:45:23.000 How many kids do you see beaten when you were a kid?

02:45:26.000 People used to beat their kids in front of people.

02:45:28.000 Oh, yeah.

02:45:28.000 Probably like at least 20, I bet.

02:45:30.000 Oh, yeah.

02:45:31.000 But people would fight in the street, beat their kids, yeah.

02:45:34.000 Yeah.

02:45:35.000 Yeah, you'd see people beat people up.

02:45:36.000 It'd be way more common.

02:45:39.000 But I guess it's maybe we've moved out of those areas, too.

02:45:42.000 That's true.

02:45:42.000 People back in those areas are like, bro, I'm on the front line.

02:45:45.000 Shit's still going down at the mall.

02:45:46.000 That's right, dude.

02:45:49.000 Dude, yeah, we used to see people fight, man.

02:45:51.000 I saw this old man get thrown into a fire one time in a ditch fire.

02:45:54.000 People were burning leaves.

02:45:55.000 Threw them right in.

02:45:56.000 This guy was in his 80s, too, Mr. Polito.

02:45:58.000 Oh, my God.

02:45:58.000 Why'd they throw him in a ditch?

02:46:00.000 He was fighting a bus driver.

02:46:01.000 He was fighting our bus driver.

02:46:03.000 Whoa, and the bus driver threw him in a ditch?

02:46:05.000 Yeah, I don't know why.

02:46:06.000 Why was he swinging on the bus driver?

02:46:08.000 I don't know.

02:46:08.000 Whose fault was it?

02:46:09.000 Both of them.

02:46:10.000 Both of them?

02:46:11.000 I think.

02:46:11.000 I mean, they were both adults.

02:46:13.000 I mean, look, man.

02:46:16.000 I'm not surprised they were doing it.

02:46:18.000 Oh.

02:46:18.000 They're questionable humans.

02:46:20.000 Yeah.

02:46:21.000 If you saw them, you wouldn't be shocked.

02:46:23.000 They were fist fighting.

02:46:24.000 Like, what do you do with people like that?

02:46:26.000 Once universal basic income rolls around and there's some stupid people that just ain't getting any better.

02:46:30.000 Basic needs met.

02:46:31.000 Okay, so then after that, after you do a couple years universal basic income, then what do you do?

02:46:35.000 Wolves in the woods.

02:46:36.000 Yeah.

02:46:37.000 Let wolves loose.

02:46:38.000 You gotta thin the herd.

02:46:40.000 That's what I'm saying, man.

02:46:41.000 Got some dude out there jerking off, thinking he's pretty cute, hanging out behind a bush.

02:46:45.000 He just turns and sees six wolves looking up.

02:46:49.000 And they just know what to do.

02:46:51.000 Take his ass out.

02:46:53.000 Well, you think a wolf would attack you while you were jerking off or no?

02:46:55.000 Fuck yeah.

02:46:56.000 You're all pink.

02:46:57.000 Everything's pink.

02:46:58.000 Pink ass, pink dick. 1.00

02:47:00.000 Looks delicious.

02:47:01.000 When you're wearing clothes, it's like, can I eat that?

02:47:03.000 I guess I can eat that.

02:47:04.000 I gotta get through all that fucking bullshit plywood t-shirt.

02:47:08.000 Once I get through that, I'll eat the fuck out of that dude.

02:47:10.000 But if they catch you out there with just all pink, oh yeah, they'll eat the fuck out of you.

02:47:14.000 Yeah.

02:47:15.000 Yeah, I hope I don't do anything bad like that and any of them see me.

02:47:20.000 You know, I don't want to have that kind of ending.

02:47:22.000 You get ended by an animal.

02:47:23.000 Well, listen, I'm going to say right now, I don't think that you're going to be jerking off in the woods and eating by a wolf.

02:47:27.000 I might be wrong.

02:47:28.000 Yeah.

02:47:29.000 But I would say that's not how you're going to go.

02:47:31.000 Thanks, man.

02:47:31.000 I like that.

02:47:32.000 I just don't see that in you, bro.

02:47:36.000 I see better things for you.

02:47:37.000 I like your attitude.

02:47:38.000 Get eaten by a pack of wolves.

02:47:40.000 Naked.

02:47:41.000 Your pecker in your hand. 0.89

02:47:42.000 Imagine if you were about to come and the first wolf bit your calf and you're like, look, they're going to get me anyway.

02:47:47.000 Let me just keep going.

02:47:48.000 Finish it off.

02:47:49.000 You're on the edge.

02:47:50.000 Oh, yeah.

02:47:51.000 And maybe the bite and the pain because you're about to come just makes you rocket.

02:47:55.000 Oh, what a bust.

02:47:55.000 You bust like a fire hose.

02:47:57.000 And you get more than usual.

02:47:58.000 Yeah, and you're like, wow, at least I died with my biggest load ever.

02:48:02.000 Take that!

02:48:03.000 That's one thing you've always been disappointed by, right?

02:48:06.000 Is the sheer volume of your loads.

02:48:07.000 Well, it's not much if you look at it.

02:48:09.000 Take zinc and magnesium.

02:48:11.000 Really?

02:48:12.000 Yeah, allegedly.

02:48:13.000 Egg whites.

02:48:14.000 I do have zinc at the house, actually.

02:48:16.000 Zinc's supposed to be good for raising testosterone.

02:48:19.000 Oh, I want that bus, bro.

02:48:21.000 I want that bus at the neighbors.

02:48:25.000 The more you save it up, too.

02:48:27.000 Oh, yeah.

02:48:28.000 You gather up more.

02:48:29.000 But I like to do that nocturnal.

02:48:31.000 I want to ride.

02:48:32.000 I want that dream bus that you used to get.

02:48:33.000 If you want to ride, ride the tiger.

02:48:40.000 Super bust.

02:48:40.000 Yeah, bro.

02:48:41.000 Dude, I want that dream bust.

02:48:43.000 Remember when you would bust in a dream?

02:48:45.000 Those don't happen anymore.

02:48:47.000 But they can if you search for it, if you seek it out.

02:48:49.000 Yeah, but you have to not beat off for a long time to the point where your body's like, this dumb motherfucker can't even jerk off.

02:48:56.000 I'm just going to have to jerk off for him while he's unconscious.

02:48:59.000 Your brain fucking jerks you off while you're asleep, bro. 0.96

02:49:02.000 But do you think that you're learning things while you're dreaming?

02:49:06.000 Because some people think you learn things when you're dreaming.

02:49:08.000 I think that'll be one of the next hurdles that we get over where people are able to be able to take in information while they're asleep.

02:49:16.000 Well, this is what I mean.

02:49:17.000 Like they say, if you have a problem, something's bothering you, you should sleep on it.

02:49:21.000 And when you wake up in the morning, you'll have a clearer perspective.

02:49:24.000 I believe that.

02:49:25.000 Yeah, I think so too.

02:49:26.000 I think that's real, because I've done that before.

02:49:29.000 That seems to actually be a good strategy if you can go to sleep.

02:49:32.000 The problem is if something's really bothering you, like, damn, I've got to figure this out.

02:49:35.000 Like, you might stay up all night and be exhausted, and then you might not be able to sleep and think through it.

02:49:40.000 You've got to get a higher power to help you out, man.

02:49:43.000 That's where a higher power comes into place.

02:49:45.000 Do you think you see yourself ever going to church again?

02:49:48.000 Yeah, I would think so.

02:49:49.000 I think church is kind of evolving over our time and stuff like that.

02:49:53.000 Would you go to Justin Bieber's preacher?

02:49:56.000 Carl Lentz?

02:49:57.000 You know who he is?

02:49:58.000 Yeah.

02:49:58.000 Whoa.

02:49:59.000 He texted me, actually.

02:50:00.000 Whoa.

02:50:01.000 He's trying to groom you.

02:50:03.000 Trying to pull you in.

02:50:04.000 Is he a dark arch?

02:50:05.000 How low do you wear your shorts?

02:50:06.000 Huh?

02:50:07.000 Oh, I saw you guys making fun of his root.

02:50:09.000 Dick root! 0.99

02:50:11.000 Yeah, that was a little wild, huh?

02:50:13.000 So you know him?

02:50:14.000 I've never met him.

02:50:15.000 No, you just text each other back and forth.

02:50:17.000 Yeah, we communicate sometimes.

02:50:18.000 Yeah, that's that root.

02:50:19.000 Hashtag dick root.

02:50:21.000 And he...

02:50:23.000 Looks good.

02:50:24.000 Yeah, they're both pretty attractive, I think.

02:50:27.000 He's got camo shorts.

02:50:27.000 Those camo shorts?

02:50:29.000 Yeah.

02:50:31.000 But I've never met him.

02:50:32.000 But I would go to...

02:50:34.000 You just text each other.

02:50:34.000 Yeah.

02:50:35.000 Just try to meet you and you're like, not tonight, bro.

02:50:39.000 You think he's homoerotic?

02:50:40.000 No.

02:50:41.000 Oh.

02:50:41.000 No.

02:50:42.000 That's a weird way of putting it.

02:50:43.000 Oh.

02:50:44.000 I think you're homoerotic.

02:50:46.000 What?

02:50:47.000 Bro, you're way gayer than me, bro.

02:50:50.000 You always...

02:50:51.000 Every time I'm here, you talk about jerking off the magical hat we almost wore.

02:50:56.000 Is that the problem?

02:50:56.000 What about that?

02:50:57.000 Is that the problem?

02:50:58.000 Is it like you came in here with gay expectations?

02:51:00.000 No, I got nothing, dude.

02:51:02.000 I jerked off yesterday.

02:51:04.000 I'm not even planning on coming again for a couple days.

02:51:07.000 Do you have a time where if you've jerked off and it's been like four days, like, man, maybe I should do something.

02:51:13.000 Oh, I get that feeling inside of me.

02:51:15.000 It's like a vulture that wants to fly out of my fucking dick or my brain.

02:51:19.000 You don't want to be too sex-obsessed.

02:51:22.000 No.

02:51:22.000 There's a balance, right?

02:51:24.000 You don't want to beat off every day, but you don't want to not beat off either, because then it'll consume you.

02:51:28.000 But I think I'm going to start hunting that dream.

02:51:30.000 Dude, I want that fucking nocturnal bust.

02:51:32.000 Dude, I'm going to start a group.

02:51:35.000 It's good.

02:51:36.000 I'm hunting that dream.

02:51:37.000 The LNBs, bro.

02:51:38.000 There's late night busters, bro.

02:51:40.000 There's dreams.

02:51:41.000 Dude, how funny is that expression?

02:51:42.000 I'm hunting that dream.

02:51:44.000 Yeah.

02:51:44.000 I want that nocturnal buster.

02:51:45.000 That's what I want.

02:51:46.000 Hunting the dream.

02:51:48.000 But dude, imagine you fucking are just...

02:51:54.000 Have you ever come and made dice playing noises?

02:51:58.000 Oh! 0.60

02:52:00.000 Have you?

02:52:01.000 That guy's a fucking mook, man. 1.00

02:52:03.000 A mook? 0.99

02:52:03.000 I never liked him. 0.99

02:52:05.000 Every time I've seen him at the comedy store, he's never been nice.

02:52:07.000 He's never been nice to you?

02:52:08.000 That doesn't make any sense.

02:52:09.000 I don't know why.

02:52:11.000 Have you said hi to him?

02:52:12.000 Have you had a conversation with him?

02:52:13.000 I feel like I've tried to engage with him.

02:52:16.000 One time he brought me up on stage and they told him my name a million times and he never got it.

02:52:21.000 It just got to the point where it felt like he was being rude, making fun.

02:52:24.000 He might just be having fun.

02:52:26.000 He's a good guy.

02:52:27.000 Is he?

02:52:27.000 Yeah, he's a good guy.

02:52:28.000 I'm a fan.

02:52:29.000 Maybe I need to see another side of him.

02:52:31.000 You probably just gotta get to know him, man.

02:52:33.000 You just gotta get to know him.

02:52:35.000 Dude, when I was a kid, I was a gigantic Dice Clay fan.

02:52:39.000 Remember when I first started meeting him at the store, I was like, I can't even believe he's here.

02:52:43.000 But once you got to know him as an adult, I mean, being a fan...

02:52:46.000 We've always been cool.

02:52:46.000 Yeah?

02:52:47.000 Yeah.

02:52:48.000 Maybe I just need to have a new experience with him.

02:52:49.000 Yeah, he's, you know, he just, he's dice.

02:52:52.000 He's crazy.

02:52:53.000 Like, half of his thing, like, if you go to his Instagram page, half of it is like a put-on.

02:52:57.000 He's always fucking around.

02:52:58.000 Oh, yeah.

02:52:59.000 He's always being funny.

02:53:00.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:53:01.000 But he gave me very good...

02:53:02.000 He's the reason why I started touring.

02:53:04.000 He gave me very good advice.

02:53:05.000 And I was, you know, I was like in the 90s, man.

02:53:08.000 He's like, you should go fucking tour.

02:53:10.000 He's like, you're funny.

02:53:11.000 He's like, you want to hang around here all the time.

02:53:13.000 Yeah.

02:53:13.000 And I was like, yeah, he's right.

02:53:14.000 I don't want to hang around here all the time.

02:53:15.000 Like, I should do clubs.

02:53:17.000 I should make a living.

02:53:18.000 And what he was basically saying was like...

02:53:21.000 Don't get roped into only working in Hollywood, doing television shows and stuff like that, because then these other people control your destiny.

02:53:29.000 You could tour.

02:53:30.000 And this is from him, obviously, coming out of...

02:53:33.000 He had the most insane, epic success of any comedian ever.

02:53:38.000 Yeah, he was a rocket ship.

02:53:39.000 He had sold out hundreds of arenas.

02:53:42.000 That's crazy.

02:53:42.000 Arenas, giant-ass places.

02:53:44.000 Oh, I remember when his DVD or whatever hit the neighborhood, and all the kids were watching it, and I wasn't even allowed to watch it.

02:53:50.000 So I thought when I was listening to him talk, I was thinking, oh yeah, of course.

02:53:54.000 Like, this guy probably made more money than anybody ever did on a sitcom, ever.

02:53:58.000 Oh yeah.

02:53:59.000 And he did it just doing whatever the fuck he wanted to do, and he was basically saying, hey, don't get wrapped up in this only.

02:54:05.000 You can tour.

02:54:05.000 You can make money.

02:54:06.000 I mean, even if I never made money the way he did, you could still make a living.

02:54:10.000 Whereas if you don't tour, and you just do sitcoms, or just work in television, especially if you work as a writer, that's the dark path.

02:54:19.000 The great stand-up comic that becomes a writer, they never tour and they never develop a crowd.

02:54:26.000 But does that happen?

02:54:27.000 Yes, it happens a lot!

02:54:28.000 But weren't they just supposed to be a writer then?

02:54:31.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

02:54:32.000 They gave in to the writing.

02:54:34.000 They could have...

02:54:35.000 We know great comedians who mostly work as writers, and it doesn't make any sense when they don't want to.

02:54:41.000 They want to be a comic out there performing, and the level of their material is far better than the level of their notoriety.

02:54:52.000 I see what you're saying.

02:54:53.000 Yeah, that's very popular.

02:54:53.000 I always use Owen Smith as a perfect example.

02:54:56.000 Owen Smith, in my opinion, is one of the best comedians on the planet.

02:55:00.000 He's a killer.

02:55:01.000 That dude makes me cry.

02:55:02.000 Funny guy.

02:55:03.000 And he's so good.

02:55:05.000 His timing, his stage presence is...

02:55:08.000 His delivery, his material, the subject matter, it's excellent.

02:55:14.000 It's top shelf comedy.

02:55:15.000 Yeah.

02:55:16.000 But most people don't know who he is.

02:55:17.000 Right.

02:55:18.000 And that's because he's made a great living as a writer, but he's still...

02:55:22.000 He should, you know, he should be recognized as a comic as well.

02:55:26.000 Yeah.

02:55:27.000 That's how I look at it.

02:55:29.000 So basically what Dice was telling me back then was like, get out.

02:55:32.000 Go someplace.

02:55:34.000 Go do the road.

02:55:35.000 Do comedy out there.

02:55:37.000 Headline clubs.

02:55:38.000 Well, gratefully, yeah.

02:55:39.000 I mean, I'm glad he did that because if we wouldn't get you, you might not be the same comedian if he didn't say that.

02:55:44.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

02:55:46.000 And, uh, I don't know.

02:55:47.000 You know, it's easy, like, it's easy to just decide someone's an asshole or, you know, you have one interaction with someone, you want to shit on them.

02:55:55.000 I just think you should be, and I'm trying to do this myself, be very careful when you shit on somebody.

02:56:02.000 Yeah.

02:56:02.000 When is it, when is it valid and when is it just you looking for something to shit on?

02:56:07.000 Right.

02:56:08.000 Like, when are you showing no empathy?

02:56:10.000 Yeah.

02:56:10.000 You know, when, what is it?

02:56:11.000 No, I think, I mean, yeah, you're right.

02:56:13.000 I mean, I'm willing to have a new experience.

02:56:15.000 Too late.

02:56:16.000 You fucked up.

02:56:17.000 Fuck.

02:56:17.000 You said his name.

02:56:18.000 You said Mook.

02:56:19.000 It's over.

02:56:20.000 Oh, well, I don't care about that.

02:56:21.000 I mean...

02:56:21.000 He's going to get mad.

02:56:23.000 Well, he was an asshole to me, so it's okay if I... He just...

02:56:29.000 They kept...

02:56:31.000 He was on stage before me, so I was going to go up after him.

02:56:34.000 He was probably joking around, man.

02:56:36.000 Yeah, but at a certain point, it was just rude.

02:56:40.000 It went past that.

02:56:41.000 No, it was just like he kept not getting it.

02:56:45.000 At a certain point, to me, it was just rude.

02:56:49.000 I see.

02:56:50.000 Because you're probably a little bit anxious.

02:56:54.000 You're going on after him.

02:56:56.000 And then he's not saying your name right.

02:56:58.000 You feel like, oh, he doesn't know who I am.

02:57:00.000 So this is kind of disrespectful.

02:57:02.000 There could have been.

02:57:03.000 There could have been.

02:57:04.000 Yeah, I think that certainly could have been my part in it.

02:57:06.000 There could have been some ego in it.

02:57:07.000 I think he was 99.9% fucking around.

02:57:09.000 Yeah.

02:57:10.000 And he thought it was funny.

02:57:11.000 Yeah, he was.

02:57:11.000 He would do that if he knew you.

02:57:14.000 Yeah.

02:57:14.000 He'd be like, oh, who?

02:57:16.000 Bobby Lee.

02:57:17.000 Right.

02:57:17.000 He's alive again.

02:57:20.000 I mean, that's part of who he is.

02:57:22.000 Right.

02:57:22.000 Well, maybe I'll have an opportunity to get to know him better.

02:57:26.000 Him and Don Herrera hate each other.

02:57:28.000 They do?

02:57:28.000 I'm great friends with both of them.

02:57:30.000 Now, I loved watching him at Mitzi Shores when he performed at the Mitzi Shores reunion or death party.

02:57:37.000 But I remember I liked watching him there.

02:57:40.000 I mean, I think that he's a great comedian and stuff.

02:57:44.000 What is he like now, though?

02:57:45.000 I don't know.

02:57:45.000 Who would you have liked to have seen live that you never got a chance to see?

02:57:49.000 Oh, Richard Pryor.

02:57:49.000 That would have been him.

02:57:50.000 I got to see him live when he was really old and sick, unfortunately.

02:57:56.000 I love him, man.

02:57:58.000 He's from near where my mother's from in Illinois.

02:58:01.000 Peoria in the house.

02:58:02.000 I at least got a chance to be in his presence and see him live.

02:58:07.000 Yeah, and he kind of had this head bob thing that was very...

02:58:11.000 You know who I think could come back and...

02:58:14.000 Murder stand-up right now.

02:58:15.000 Roseanne?

02:58:17.000 Eddie Murphy.

02:58:18.000 Yeah.

02:58:18.000 I think if Eddie Murphy came back right now, he would murder stand-up.

02:58:22.000 Murder it.

02:58:23.000 Somebody said that the other day.

02:58:24.000 They were thinking he might come back.

02:58:25.000 He did a thing one day where he was talking about Bill Cosby, about them taking awards away from Bill Cosby, and he did this Bill Cosby impression, and he did it.

02:58:36.000 Look at this.

02:58:37.000 What does that say?

02:58:37.000 What happened?

02:58:38.000 Pop-ups.

02:58:39.000 Motherfucker. 0.99

02:58:40.000 He's coming back for that.

02:58:42.000 The movie.

02:58:42.000 Oh, really?

02:58:44.000 Is Arsenio in it, too?

02:58:47.000 I hope so.

02:58:48.000 He just had his tenth kid.

02:58:50.000 Wow.

02:58:51.000 Just shooting mad loads.

02:58:53.000 Now there's a guy who needs a birch tree in the yard.

02:58:55.000 57 years old.

02:58:56.000 He's 57?

02:58:57.000 Yeah.

02:58:57.000 Damn, it's amazing.

02:58:58.000 He's only six years older than me.

02:59:00.000 Dude.

02:59:01.000 Yeah, six years older than me.

02:59:03.000 That's amazing.

02:59:06.000 Eddie Murphy's?

02:59:07.000 He's been around forever.

02:59:08.000 He's in a new movie coming out on Netflix.

02:59:10.000 Dude, he was killing it when he was like 18 years old.

02:59:12.000 He was on Saturday Night Live when he was like 18 or something.

02:59:14.000 You forget how young he was when Delirious rolled around.

02:59:19.000 Yeah.

02:59:19.000 Like, good lord.

02:59:20.000 He was probably 22 years old or something.

02:59:23.000 Would you...

02:59:24.000 I bet he can come pretty far.

02:59:26.000 How far do you think he can come, probably?

02:59:28.000 A foot?

02:59:29.000 Ha ha ha!

02:59:35.000 We went over the world record one day.

02:59:37.000 Jim Carrey can come 30 feet, bro.

02:59:39.000 That guy looks like he's really blessed.

02:59:41.000 I bet there's a lot of dudes out there that have broken the world record in distance coming, and nobody wants to give them any credit for it.

02:59:46.000 Because it's like an impromptu thing.

02:59:49.000 You don't know.

02:59:50.000 I think you know.

02:59:51.000 You're so excited.

02:59:52.000 You pull out.

02:59:54.000 Isn't that what Peter North was known for?

02:59:56.000 He was known for volume.

02:59:57.000 Oh yeah.

02:59:59.000 That's a crazy thing.

03:00:00.000 The big spitter.

03:00:01.000 When your loads are so hectic that you're known for them.

03:00:05.000 Like if you say big loads, you say Peter North.

03:00:08.000 Everybody knows.

03:00:09.000 Think about that.

03:00:10.000 Oh yeah.

03:00:11.000 But all the fucking substantial loads that all the porn stars have dumped on all those...

03:00:16.000 All those maidens all over the land. 1.00

03:00:18.000 And then one dude is known for the highest volume of comedy.

03:00:21.000 You gotta be known, known.

03:00:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

03:00:23.000 You gotta be known, known, known.

03:00:26.000 Right.

03:00:27.000 Time after time again, you gotta fucking bring that gravy boat, bro.

03:00:31.000 Yeah, you gotta be like...

03:00:33.000 You've got to be like the Kanye West of loads.

03:00:35.000 You have to be cumming and also probably look at your watch or your phone during it and you're still cumming when you look back at your dick.

03:00:41.000 You've got to be the Mike Tyson of loads.

03:00:43.000 You've got to be the Michael Jackson of loads.

03:00:47.000 Like Michael Jackson.

03:00:49.000 Undeniable.

03:00:50.000 No, he had very little cum in here, my bad.

03:00:53.000 Probably zero.

03:00:54.000 But dancing prodigy, he's the Michael Jackson of dance.

03:00:59.000 But you don't cum much when you're doing all that.

03:01:03.000 What activities do you think you do where you come a lot?

03:01:06.000 Like the kind of people that like power lifters probably shoot giant loads, right?

03:01:10.000 I think you would think they do, but for their size and stuff, they're not doing that much.

03:01:14.000 Who do you think shoots the biggest loads? 0.59

03:01:15.000 Oh, I think a guy that's in space.

03:01:17.000 I think a guy that's on a cliff, like a cliff climber.

03:01:22.000 Yeah, but is that the biggest loads?

03:01:24.000 I mean, that guy's shooting some fucking...

03:01:26.000 Just because he has the balls to climb up like that?

03:01:28.000 He's busting some real spackle.

03:01:29.000 Maybe that's what it is.

03:01:30.000 He's got balls.

03:01:31.000 Those guys shoot bigger loads.

03:01:34.000 Like BMX jumpers, and they jump three times in the air and then land on a bike?

03:01:37.000 Yeah.

03:01:37.000 Maybe they have the biggest loads.

03:01:40.000 Also, guys who fake put a sign on their car when they don't pay a meter, like meters broken, and they just put that on their car, and if I can still park there, those dudes bust some loads, bro.

03:01:51.000 I think there's other things too.

03:01:53.000 Like pickpockets?

03:01:54.000 Oh, people that wear turtlenecks do not come very much or far.

03:01:58.000 No?

03:01:59.000 What is it about wanting to keep your neck warm that's not very manly?

03:02:01.000 It's just a bitch move. 1.00

03:02:05.000 It's just the most French thing too.

03:02:08.000 And I don't care about the French, dude. 0.98

03:02:10.000 Wow, but have you been there or are you just like prejudiced?

03:02:13.000 I've been there.

03:02:13.000 I'm probably prejudiced too.

03:02:14.000 Have you been to France?

03:02:15.000 Yeah.

03:02:15.000 Have you been to Montreal?

03:02:17.000 I've been to Montreal, yeah.

03:02:18.000 You didn't love the French?

03:02:19.000 I love the Canadians.

03:02:20.000 French Canadians.

03:02:21.000 Yeah, I'll take them.

03:02:22.000 You love Canadians, period.

03:02:24.000 I love Canadians, period.

03:02:25.000 But do you love French Canadians? 0.77

03:02:27.000 Yes.

03:02:28.000 Because they are Canadian.

03:02:30.000 But French, bro. 0.99

03:02:31.000 Not into French?

03:02:32.000 And nobody is.

03:02:34.000 They make great wine.

03:02:34.000 Yeah.

03:02:35.000 That's not true.

03:02:35.000 People go to Paris every year.

03:02:36.000 Yeah, but they leave.

03:02:40.000 It's not the kind of place people are milling around, man.

03:02:44.000 I think people go there and they decide that it's better than America sometimes.

03:02:48.000 Didn't Johnny Depp move there?

03:02:50.000 Yeah.

03:02:51.000 Poor Johnny.

03:02:51.000 You know who else moved there?

03:02:55.000 Fuck.

03:02:56.000 The guy from Law& Order.

03:02:58.000 Mandy Patinkin?

03:02:59.000 No.

03:03:00.000 Richard Belzer?

03:03:01.000 Richard Belzer.

03:03:02.000 Richard Belzer moved to France.

03:03:03.000 He met a woman probably then.

03:03:05.000 Oh, yeah.

03:03:06.000 I would think.

03:03:07.000 Oui, oui.

03:03:09.000 Free love.

03:03:10.000 Yeah.

03:03:10.000 Bread.

03:03:11.000 Bread.

03:03:11.000 I bet you bust in France, bro.

03:03:14.000 Imagine the semen just cruising down the street in that city. 1.00

03:03:20.000 The roads are slippery.

03:03:22.000 I bet it's all scooters.

03:03:23.000 Cars going around corners sideways.

03:03:26.000 The roads are slick with loads.

03:03:30.000 Welcome to France! 0.84

03:03:33.000 They're going sideways around the course.

03:03:34.000 Semen just everywhere through the air. 1.00

03:03:36.000 Those loads are flying out of the bushes.

03:03:38.000 DNA! Out of the fucking manhole covers.

03:03:43.000 That clown Pennywise.

03:03:45.000 Dude, this shit is getting gay, bro. 1.00

03:03:49.000 It's just very dick-oriented today.

03:03:51.000 I wouldn't say it's gay.

03:03:52.000 Well, it's that time of year.

03:03:53.000 It's spring.

03:03:54.000 People are refreshed.

03:03:55.000 It's not spring.

03:03:55.000 It's the middle of the winter.

03:03:56.000 Yeah.

03:03:57.000 It's freezing cold out.

03:03:58.000 It's just January.

03:03:59.000 Whatever.

03:04:00.000 You guys aren't open-minded.

03:04:05.000 It doesn't get more winter than January.

03:04:08.000 It's not even a Groundhog's Day yet.

03:04:09.000 Why don't I just say it's August?

03:04:11.000 Why don't I just lie?

03:04:13.000 It's like it's August out.

03:04:15.000 Like, what?

03:04:16.000 It's spring.

03:04:17.000 I have the best calendars.

03:04:24.000 Dude, we just did three hours.

03:04:25.000 Did we?

03:04:25.000 It's 3.30.

03:04:26.000 Jesus Christ, bro.

03:04:27.000 This is the longest conversation I've ever been in my life.

03:04:29.000 No, we've done this before.

03:04:31.000 Not this much, man.

03:04:32.000 I think we did.

03:04:33.000 How long was the last one?

03:04:34.000 I think a lot of them are three hours.

03:04:36.000 I'm going to have to get on some pills or something to be able to go through this again.

03:04:39.000 Drink one of these nitros.

03:04:41.000 Really?

03:04:42.000 Caffeinated.

03:04:42.000 Yeah, they juice you up.

03:04:45.000 Pasta was fun.

03:04:46.000 Oh, it was fun?

03:04:46.000 Actually, the last one was longer.

03:04:48.000 Oh! 0.60

03:04:49.000 Really?

03:04:49.000 15 minutes longer than we've gone so far.

03:04:51.000 Damn!

03:04:52.000 That fucking limited bust on this one, huh?

03:04:55.000 I think this is the right time to end it, though.

03:04:56.000 Yeah.

03:04:57.000 We did it.

03:04:58.000 Thanks for having me.

03:04:59.000 My pleasure, brother.

03:05:00.000 Anytime.

03:05:01.000 You got a new podcast out with Brendan Schaub.

03:05:03.000 Yep, called The King and the Sting, and it comes out...

03:05:05.000 Oh, how'd you become the Rat King?

03:05:06.000 What is that?

03:05:08.000 He just made fun of me one time and called me a rat.

03:05:10.000 Oh, did you see that video of a bunch of rats connected together to pretend that they're a snake?

03:05:17.000 Oh, yeah.

03:05:18.000 Whitney Cummings sent it to me.

03:05:20.000 They do that.

03:05:21.000 That's trickery.

03:05:22.000 I found it on Twitter.

03:05:23.000 Have you seen that?

03:05:24.000 Yeah.

03:05:25.000 It's on my Twitter.

03:05:26.000 There's a bunch of rats that connected themselves and they're running together to pretend that they're a snake.

03:05:33.000 Yeah.

03:05:33.000 That's a Rat King.

03:05:34.000 To confuse...

03:05:35.000 Well, Rat King is when they all get bundled up together and they get stuck.

03:05:38.000 And they get their tails twined up.

03:05:40.000 How the fuck does that ever happen?

03:05:42.000 Disgusting creatures.

03:05:43.000 Party.

03:05:43.000 Yeah, they die that way, too.

03:05:45.000 They find them all caked up and fucking trapped.

03:05:48.000 Fucking partying, bro.

03:05:49.000 It's spring break, dude.

03:05:51.000 It's burning, man.

03:05:52.000 That's Burning Man for rats. 0.97

03:05:54.000 Yeah.

03:05:54.000 Look at this.

03:05:55.000 Watch this.

03:05:56.000 Play this.

03:05:56.000 Look at this.

03:05:56.000 Those are all rats, all completely bundled up together to look like a snake.

03:06:01.000 So the mama rats in the front and all the baby rats stay connected to each other to pretend they're snakes so they avoid predators.

03:06:09.000 And if you and I saw that from far away, we'd think it was a snake.

03:06:12.000 100%.

03:06:13.000 Yeah.

03:06:13.000 How crazy is that?

03:06:14.000 That's amazing.

03:06:14.000 Mother Nature's amazing, man.

03:06:16.000 Mother Nature's a motherfucker. 1.00

03:06:17.000 Yeah.

03:06:18.000 We're limited time, I think.

03:06:19.000 Humans.

03:06:20.000 You think?

03:06:20.000 Oh, this is part time, bro.

03:06:22.000 There's no way they're letting us out here fuck around forever.

03:06:24.000 All those dumb motherfuckers could do is pretend to be a snake. 1.00

03:06:27.000 We could make snakes.

03:06:28.000 We could make robot snakes.

03:06:30.000 Shoot them to Mars out of our robot dick.

03:06:32.000 We can't beat an avalanche, though.

03:06:34.000 Ken, if you're not there.

03:06:37.000 Don't go near where it gets avalanchey.

03:06:39.000 Nice move, bro.

03:06:41.000 Nice move. 0.65

03:06:43.000 The King of the Sting.

03:06:44.000 Theo Vaughn on Instagram and Twitter.

03:06:47.000 Thank you, Joe, for having me.

03:06:48.000 Thank you, my brother.

03:06:49.000 Anytime, anytime.

03:06:50.000 And we'll see you tonight at the Comedy Store.

03:06:52.000 Later.

03:07:07.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 15, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1225 - Theo Von

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Summary

Transcript