The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1279 - Jessimae Peluso

00:00:00.000 Last chance for romance here, otherwise we're just gonna film and then put it up.

00:00:07.000 Is it live?

00:00:09.000 Really?

00:00:09.000 I centered my chi.

00:00:10.000 I centered my chi.

00:00:11.000 You made it happen.

00:00:11.000 We've been having problems with our try caster that doesn't want to try.

00:00:16.000 It's like, not today.

00:00:18.000 Every third show.

00:00:20.000 I'm tired.

00:00:21.000 It won't go live.

00:00:22.000 I centered the chi though.

00:00:23.000 I sent the energy.

00:00:24.000 Dude, you made it happen.

00:00:24.000 I did.

00:00:24.000 This is a rare wake and bake day.

00:00:27.000 I know.

00:00:27.000 I don't do this.

00:00:28.000 You don't?

00:00:28.000 No, no.

00:00:29.000 I get shit done first usually. 0.99

00:00:31.000 Can you not get shit done when you wake and bake? 1.00

00:00:33.000 I kind of fuck off things. 1.00

00:00:35.000 If I get high at 9 o'clock in the morning, I'm like, ah! 0.99

00:00:39.000 What's important, really?

00:00:41.000 I get stuff done.

00:00:43.000 Really?

00:00:44.000 Yeah.

00:00:45.000 I'll do my cup of coffee and a joint, and I'll get some stuff done. 0.92

00:00:48.000 I joke that it makes me super motivated to do not a goddamn thing, but I get stuff done. 0.83

00:00:53.000 I mean, all the stuff I get done is I vacuum seven times. 0.95

00:00:56.000 Yeah.

00:00:57.000 I cleaned my apartment like four times the other day.

00:01:00.000 That's a meth thing.

00:01:01.000 You sure someone's not slipping meth into your meat?

00:01:02.000 I mean, come on.

00:01:02.000 Let's not put all the rumors out there now, but you got any bro?

00:01:05.000 Eddie Bravo used to say that about girls. 0.98

00:01:07.000 Eddie used to work at a strip club and he dated a lot of the gals that were performers there. 0.99

00:01:13.000 And he said, you really know when a girl's a meth head because you go over a house and it's always clean. 0.97

00:01:17.000 It's always clean and they can never clean enough.

00:01:20.000 Maybe I'm a meth head or just a Virgo.

00:01:22.000 Apparently it's speed freaks, not meth head.

00:01:24.000 I'm sorry, speed freaks.

00:01:25.000 When people are on speed.

00:01:26.000 Maybe coffee is the thing that does that to me and then I just get focused from the weed.

00:01:30.000 There's not one ounce of dog hair in my house.

00:01:32.000 Really? 1.00

00:01:33.000 Keep that shit fresh. 1.00

00:01:33.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:01:34.000 You have like 50 dogs. 1.00

00:01:36.000 You're a crazy dog lady. 1.00

00:01:38.000 I do. 0.99

00:01:39.000 I have three dogs.

00:01:40.000 Wait, don't you have like a pack of chicken in your backyard?

00:01:42.000 Dude, I used to.

00:01:43.000 What happened to them?

00:01:45.000 Coyotes got them all.

00:01:46.000 I thought you were up with the bow and arrow.

00:01:47.000 No, we had an issue where our chicken coop burnt to the ground. 1.00

00:01:52.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:01:53.000 During those fires? 1.00

00:01:54.000 You lost your ladies?

00:01:55.000 No, we didn't.

00:01:56.000 They managed to fly out and they were in the yard.

00:01:59.000 We lost two of them because we couldn't round them up to get them into the chicken pen because we got a new chicken pen where it wasn't as big.

00:02:08.000 They were too good for it?

00:02:09.000 Coyotes ate those two. 0.95

00:02:11.000 And then they realized that they're all in this one pen.

00:02:13.000 And one day when we were gone, they opened it up and got in and killed all nine of them.

00:02:18.000 How did they open them up?

00:02:19.000 They pulled it apart with their teeth.

00:02:21.000 Yo, dogs are, listen, even domestic ones.

00:02:23.000 Domestic dogs, but...

00:02:25.000 They're smart.

00:02:25.000 The difference between a coyote and a domestic dog is like the difference between a hardened criminal on death row and a baby.

00:02:35.000 No, you're 100% right.

00:02:36.000 It's the experience and what you had to do to survive.

00:02:39.000 All they have done is survive.

00:02:40.000 Yeah, and murder.

00:02:41.000 They don't have a house.

00:02:42.000 No one's feeding them food. 1.00

00:02:43.000 I mean, they're fucking little wolves. 1.00

00:02:45.000 Yeah, and it's like literally dog-eat-dog world out there. 1.00

00:02:48.000 Yeah, what was the gentleman, Dan, Coyote America, the author? 0.98

00:02:55.000 Goddammit. 0.89

00:02:56.000 Was he like a dude who lived amongst the wolves?

00:02:58.000 Yes, Dan Flores.

00:02:59.000 No, he's a wildlife biologist and a historian.

00:03:02.000 Yeah.

00:03:02.000 And he was talking about the history of coyotes and wolves in North America.

00:03:07.000 Apparently all wild dog species came from North America. 0.99

00:03:11.000 Even like jackals and shit like that.

00:03:14.000 Like they made it across over there somehow, like during the Pangeus period. 0.90

00:03:19.000 What did you call me?

00:03:21.000 Pangea.

00:03:21.000 Do you know what that is?

00:03:22.000 It's an era.

00:03:23.000 No, yeah.

00:03:24.000 It's when they think that all of the continents were connected together.

00:03:28.000 Oh yeah, we were one flat earthen.

00:03:31.000 It was one flat table.

00:03:33.000 I think it was flat.

00:03:34.000 No, no, no.

00:03:35.000 It's obviously not. 0.96

00:03:36.000 A giant chunk, and then the rest was water, and then it spread out, which is fucking weird. 0.87

00:03:40.000 That is weird. 0.65

00:03:40.000 What is happening? 0.65

00:03:41.000 How did that...

00:03:42.000 And also, is that happening on our insides?

00:03:44.000 It's obviously on a cellular level. 0.97

00:03:46.000 Everything's just splitting and being torn the fuck apart. 0.94

00:03:49.000 There it is.

00:03:49.000 Here's the modern Pangea map.

00:03:51.000 This is modern?

00:03:53.000 Whoa.

00:03:53.000 The modern country separations and all that.

00:03:57.000 Oh, this is what it looked like.

00:03:59.000 Then?

00:04:00.000 I thought there's more out there.

00:04:02.000 I was going to say, is that South America?

00:04:04.000 What is that?

00:04:05.000 I thought there was some knuckleheads that thought that.

00:04:07.000 Is that really all of the continents together?

00:04:09.000 Whoa. 0.99

00:04:10.000 It shows you how much goddamn water there is. 0.99

00:04:12.000 So much water. 1.00

00:04:13.000 That's a mindfuck. 0.98

00:04:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:04:15.000 Because you really like to think that we're all dirt and not as much water.

00:04:18.000 It's so much water.

00:04:19.000 It's all water.

00:04:20.000 It's like a little speck in a huge-ass ocean.

00:04:23.000 That's what's really crazy. 1.00

00:04:24.000 It's those ground-dwelling motherfuckers that figured out how to suck all the fish out of that water. 1.00

00:04:30.000 I know! 1.00

00:04:31.000 It's crazy!

00:04:32.000 Just to be able to get those suckers out, sometimes with your bare hands.

00:04:36.000 And then they were like, yo, we need a smaller situation.

00:04:39.000 I think until they came up with nets and stuff like that, I don't think they were real effective.

00:04:43.000 I think they just got what they got and they ate that, but the populations were fine.

00:04:46.000 But in the last, whatever, 150 years, they've been using nets.

00:04:51.000 They just jacked that whole ocean. 1.00

00:04:52.000 What do you think happened to the dude who figured out the hook? 1.00

00:04:55.000 He probably got all the pussy in town. 1.00

00:04:56.000 The dude who hooked the fish. 1.00

00:04:58.000 He was getting all those fishies.

00:04:59.000 He was getting the ones that were way deep. 1.00

00:05:01.000 The kind of pussy that you would get back when you invented a hook, you don't want it. 1.00

00:05:08.000 But now, in your modern mind, you don't. 1.00

00:05:11.000 But back then, you're like, yo, this is fresh.

00:05:14.000 Fresh?

00:05:14.000 It only smells like must and dead rat.

00:05:16.000 Did you become African American? 1.00

00:05:19.000 Something's happening to you.

00:05:24.000 Wake and bacon is taking you to another level.

00:05:28.000 It takes you to another level for sure, yeah.

00:05:30.000 I get back to my roots.

00:05:31.000 Let's guess.

00:05:32.000 How long ago do you think they invented the fishhook?

00:05:34.000 Did they even know?

00:05:36.000 I'm going to say it's a really old invention.

00:05:38.000 Super old.

00:05:40.000 It's like an arrowhead time period.

00:05:42.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:05:42.000 It's very close to like...

00:05:44.000 Pre-Native Americans. 1.00

00:05:46.000 Those bitches would just break. 1.00

00:05:47.000 If you think about a big fish hooking like a little thin... 1.00

00:05:51.000 What would they make it out of bone, probably?

00:05:52.000 Must be bone.

00:05:53.000 Maybe bone.

00:05:54.000 Stone would be too heavy.

00:05:56.000 She would just sink and...

00:05:58.000 Well, it would also break.

00:05:59.000 Yeah, it wouldn't be able to hook it well.

00:06:00.000 Yeah.

00:06:01.000 It must have been bone.

00:06:02.000 I bet it was bone.

00:06:03.000 Yeah.

00:06:03.000 But bones get brittle, especially after, like, you know, they're off the body and they start to...

00:06:09.000 Mm-hmm.

00:06:10.000 Calcify and all that.

00:06:13.000 How old do you think it is?

00:06:14.000 It's got to be really old.

00:06:16.000 Juniper wood, it says.

00:06:16.000 Juniper wood was the first one.

00:06:19.000 23,000 years ago.

00:06:21.000 Wood?

00:06:22.000 There it is.

00:06:23.000 Norwegians?

00:06:24.000 Yeah, those vikings.

00:06:26.000 They're made from sea snail shells.

00:06:29.000 Oh, that's pretty crazy.

00:06:30.000 There's a bunch of information I'll put together in this one.

00:06:32.000 In Okinawa Island, dated between 22,380 and 22,770.

00:06:37.000 Isn't that crazy that they get it that close?

00:06:39.000 They're basically in an inner, you know, give or take 80, 90 years, 100 years.

00:06:44.000 I know.

00:06:44.000 How can they even...

00:06:45.000 Is it carbon dating?

00:06:47.000 I mean, that's the only thing I remember from high school.

00:06:49.000 How do you date it back?

00:06:52.000 Is it like a forensic thing where they grab a fly and they're like, yeah, this was six years ago because of the juices on the wings.

00:06:58.000 I think there's a bunch of factors.

00:07:01.000 One of them is the dirt that's around where they find it.

00:07:04.000 If they find it on the ground, then it's covered with dirt over hundreds and hundreds of years.

00:07:08.000 They can take some of that dirt and...

00:07:11.000 Test it?

00:07:11.000 Yeah, they can test it.

00:07:12.000 And see what's in it?

00:07:13.000 They're trying to test, I think...

00:07:15.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:07:15.000 That's crazy. 0.71

00:07:16.000 I want those as earrings.

00:07:17.000 Is that a fishhook?

00:07:18.000 Yeah, I clicked the source.

00:07:20.000 Yo, those are fresh.

00:07:21.000 Wow.

00:07:22.000 Those are really nice.

00:07:24.000 I would rock those.

00:07:25.000 Would you?

00:07:25.000 Yeah, the comedy store.

00:07:27.000 Oldest fish hook found in Okinawa.

00:07:28.000 Wow.

00:07:29.000 23,000 years ago.

00:07:30.000 That's crazy.

00:07:31.000 So they're saying that the oldest fish hook is linked to the Norwegians.

00:07:35.000 I would say Japanese.

00:07:36.000 This says Okinawa.

00:07:37.000 Yeah.

00:07:37.000 The Norwegian thing was saying that.

00:07:38.000 And up until the 1950s, they were still using wood.

00:07:41.000 Oh, I see.

00:07:42.000 I think it was just like an added fact.

00:07:44.000 Yeah, Japanese makes sense.

00:07:46.000 I wonder if they all figured it out at the same time, different spots in the world.

00:07:49.000 You know, I wonder if it's one of those things like, you know, like there's just some weird thing.

00:07:54.000 Who is that?

00:07:54.000 Is that Rupert Sheldrake?

00:07:55.000 It's the morphic residence theory.

00:07:57.000 He's got this weird theory that I think the idea is that if some rat learns a maze on the East Coast, rats on the West Coast will learn that maze quicker.

00:08:07.000 How?

00:08:08.000 Like a collective consciousness amongst the rats?

00:08:13.000 As weird as it sounds, there might be some sort of strange connection that all rats share.

00:08:18.000 And not just all rats, but all living beings.

00:08:21.000 His argument was that if this is demonstrable with a rat in a maze, that if they did something with human beings, if they could figure out a way to prove this, it's likely what's happening.

00:08:34.000 He brought up a bunch of different factors.

00:08:37.000 Inventions that are simultaneously taking place all over the world.

00:08:42.000 That's strange.

00:08:43.000 Yeah, you can attribute some of that to education, right?

00:08:46.000 Yeah, definitely education, what's going on, the trends that are happening in education.

00:08:50.000 But they also think there might be something else going on underneath the surface.

00:08:54.000 Like on a different realm?

00:08:55.000 If we're all a species and you're on one side of the world, you learn something.

00:09:00.000 The people on the other side of the world have greater access to it in some weird way.

00:09:04.000 That's really bizarre.

00:09:06.000 That freaks me out. 0.99

00:09:08.000 That's like Matrix-y shit right there. 0.99

00:09:09.000 But it's also unprovable and you bring it up to real scientists, they get upset with you. 0.99

00:09:13.000 What's interesting though is the map thing, the maze thing with mice and rats.

00:09:18.000 See if that's been proven.

00:09:21.000 I'm pretty sure it has been.

00:09:22.000 What maze thing?

00:09:22.000 That if you show a maze to a rat on one side of the country, they learn it quicker on the other side.

00:09:28.000 I don't understand how that can even be a thing.

00:09:31.000 Well, there's another one that's really interesting, but I don't know how much of this is just because they didn't observe it before, but they've noticed that apes are starting to use tools.

00:09:41.000 Like cell phones to text each other?

00:09:43.000 No, not that yet.

00:09:44.000 Weren't monkeys using tools?

00:09:46.000 Blowhorns.

00:09:47.000 They get on top of it.

00:09:48.000 Ho, ho! 1.00

00:09:49.000 Ho, ho! 1.00

00:09:50.000 No, but apparently they use tools to get sticks into anthills to get ants, but they also use rocks to break things open.

00:10:00.000 Weren't monkeys doing that before?

00:10:02.000 I would imagine apes would follow suit. 0.99

00:10:03.000 I think what they're saying is they're saying officially that they've entered into the Stone Age.

00:10:10.000 Oh boy. 0.96

00:10:10.000 So like if we are watching, if you saw a human evolve from being a person that, you know, whatever the fuck we used to look like when they first figured out fishhooks. 0.96

00:10:20.000 Grunting. 0.96

00:10:20.000 To today. 0.96

00:10:21.000 You know, there's many, many generations of change and all sorts of different shit that we learned. 0.89

00:10:26.000 That we are watching literally the birth of that separation between like the regular chimps that are just chilling in the forest to the chimps that are starting to figure out tools and weapons and things. 0.91

00:10:36.000 Right. 0.99

00:10:37.000 Like, the first day we see a chimp make a fucking spear, sharpen it up, and stab another chimp to death. 1.00

00:10:45.000 Planet of the Apes! 1.00

00:10:46.000 So you're saying chimps are becoming woke?

00:10:48.000 Is that what's happening?

00:10:49.000 Like, they're becoming enlightened and smarter?

00:10:51.000 I don't think just chimps.

00:10:52.000 There was one with an orangutan.

00:10:54.000 It was amazing.

00:10:55.000 An orangutan was spearfishing.

00:10:57.000 No!

00:10:57.000 Oh, dude, you gotta see it.

00:10:58.000 It's crazy.

00:10:59.000 That's a nightmare!

00:10:59.000 I mean, it's really cool, but like...

00:11:01.000 It's a beautiful photo.

00:11:02.000 They're just gonna be walking down the highway with a briefcase soon?

00:11:05.000 I don't think it's going to be there.

00:11:06.000 That's freaky, man.

00:11:07.000 That freaks me out.

00:11:08.000 But it is...

00:11:09.000 So we're witnessing evolution.

00:11:11.000 They're learning things.

00:11:12.000 And this one, I think their issue was that this orangutan had watched fishermen do this.

00:11:17.000 So he had apparently watched some fishermen stand on a ledge and stab fish.

00:11:23.000 So he decided to try to figure it out himself.

00:11:25.000 That makes sense.

00:11:26.000 I mean, that's how all creatures essentially, I mean, puppies, kittens, they all learn.

00:11:30.000 It's just, it's to a limit.

00:11:31.000 They don't get past that sort of being able to use tools.

00:11:34.000 Did you get that picture?

00:11:35.000 That's wild.

00:11:36.000 I was bringing up video too, so I thought they might have had video of it, but I'm...

00:11:40.000 My dog opened his dog food container when I was gone. 0.99

00:11:44.000 Damn. 1.00

00:11:45.000 A twist, a twisted, yes. 1.00

00:11:47.000 I don't know how he did it.

00:11:48.000 I gotta get a camera, but I came home and that top was twisted off and his belly was like... 0.96

00:11:54.000 Look at that.

00:11:55.000 Look at that picture.

00:11:57.000 The orangutan spearfishing.

00:11:59.000 I mean, that's crazy.

00:12:00.000 If you saw that in a movie, you would say, that is fake.

00:12:03.000 That is so...

00:12:04.000 That looks like a still from Jungle Book.

00:12:07.000 It's amazing.

00:12:07.000 It's an amazing photo.

00:12:08.000 We should get that photo framed.

00:12:11.000 Jamie, get a copy of that photo and let's do that.

00:12:14.000 That's really cool. 1.00

00:12:16.000 Frame that fucker. 1.00

00:12:17.000 You should get that framed. 1.00

00:12:18.000 I talk about this picture all the time.

00:12:20.000 That is so wild.

00:12:21.000 It's so fascinating.

00:12:22.000 It really looks like the Jungle Book.

00:12:25.000 You know, have you ever had your 23andMe done?

00:12:28.000 I I thought about it, but how accurate is it?

00:12:33.000 What's with the science?

00:12:35.000 You're just going to trust a piece of paper that comes back?

00:12:38.000 I wanted to go to the lab and see who's doing this.

00:12:40.000 How do you know you're not just getting some general packet that they're sending back to you?

00:12:46.000 How do you know?

00:12:47.000 Why would they do that?

00:12:48.000 Because they got your money.

00:12:49.000 Why would anyone do anything? 1.00

00:12:50.000 Why are motherfuckers throwing fits in grocery stores? 1.00

00:12:53.000 People are crazy. 1.00

00:12:54.000 You know what we're talking about? 0.99

00:12:55.000 If you get high, you get a little bit psychotic.

00:13:01.000 Something happens and you really do enter into the world of schizophrenia.

00:13:06.000 You just did it.

00:13:09.000 How do I know that science is good?

00:13:11.000 How do I know?

00:13:11.000 Have you done it?

00:13:12.000 Yeah, yeah, I did it.

00:13:13.000 And what did it say?

00:13:14.000 All kinds of stuff.

00:13:15.000 Mostly stuff I knew.

00:13:16.000 That I'm mostly Italian and Irish.

00:13:19.000 But they put Irish and English together, which I thought was interesting.

00:13:22.000 I have 1.6% African.

00:13:26.000 57% more Neanderthal traits than the average person.

00:13:29.000 I could have told you that.

00:13:30.000 I could have told you.

00:13:31.000 Without even the blood work.

00:13:32.000 I saw that.

00:13:33.000 I saw the paperwork.

00:13:33.000 I'm like, ah, figures.

00:13:35.000 I mean...

00:13:35.000 I knew.

00:13:36.000 I knew there was something wrong.

00:13:37.000 Are you kidding me?

00:13:37.000 Look at that.

00:13:37.000 Look at that face.

00:13:38.000 Look at that head. 0.88

00:13:39.000 You're definitely Neanderthal.

00:13:40.000 You're a link that's missing for sure.

00:13:42.000 No, it's just Italians in general.

00:13:46.000 Don't be angry, my Italian people.

00:13:48.000 I'm Sicilian.

00:13:50.000 We're strange monkey folk.

00:13:53.000 That should be your next special title. 0.99

00:13:57.000 When I was in Italy, we had cab drivers, and the cab drivers would stick their head out the window, stare at someone's ass, like, look at this, Amaro! 0.97

00:14:07.000 And they'd slow down and speed up. 1.00

00:14:09.000 I was like, look at these fucking guys. 1.00

00:14:11.000 They're smooth. 1.00

00:14:12.000 But it's just, they're savage.

00:14:15.000 And then I thought about it, I was like, well, of course they are.

00:14:17.000 They used to be the Romans. 0.98

00:14:19.000 Yeah, they conquered everyone.

00:14:21.000 Can you imagine how gross life must have been like back then with people?

00:14:26.000 Gross.

00:14:27.000 It's gross now, but it's really gross then without plumbing. 0.96

00:14:29.000 And I will say, your toilet seats are the warmest I've ever sat on.

00:14:32.000 Thank you very much.

00:14:33.000 So, compared from here to the Roman era, yeah.

00:14:36.000 Nasty.

00:14:36.000 Yeah, what did they do?

00:14:39.000 Oils! 1.00

00:14:40.000 Their oil, their shit, though, went through the streets, right? 1.00

00:14:42.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:14:42.000 Wasn't that part of the problem? 1.00

00:14:43.000 That's why everybody was infected and sick.

00:14:46.000 I mean, there's no system.

00:14:48.000 They couldn't figure that out.

00:14:48.000 They probably used mulch, you know, maybe like fertilizer to pour over it, but that was it.

00:14:53.000 You know what I bet it was like?

00:14:54.000 It's like people throw their cigarette butts in the ground like, someone will clean it.

00:14:57.000 Yeah, someone else will clean it. 0.54

00:14:59.000 Some little, you know, some little hand will grab it. 1.00

00:15:03.000 Some little poor kid.

00:15:06.000 But I mean, there's no perspective.

00:15:07.000 They were just in their own little...

00:15:09.000 Yeah, they didn't know.

00:15:10.000 They didn't know.

00:15:11.000 They thought they were living as sophisticated as anybody they ever did.

00:15:13.000 Dude, can you?

00:15:13.000 What is this?

00:15:14.000 There's shitholes? 0.97

00:15:15.000 Is that where you shat in? 0.99

00:15:16.000 That's a shathole. 0.99

00:15:17.000 And you're around a bunch of other people shatting. 0.99

00:15:19.000 Gross! 0.98

00:15:20.000 That looks like those things you put in your toes and you get a pedicure. 0.74

00:15:24.000 That's what that little thing looks like.

00:15:25.000 Spread your toes apart?

00:15:27.000 Yeah.

00:15:27.000 Do you think that those folks had like curtains in between them when they shot?

00:15:31.000 Nah, are you kidding me?

00:15:32.000 Look at that corner seat.

00:15:33.000 No.

00:15:34.000 Yeah, right there.

00:15:35.000 How about that one?

00:15:36.000 Knees touching.

00:15:37.000 Everybody's touching.

00:15:38.000 Yeah, they were all just in it having a conversation talking about the latest gladiator sports.

00:15:44.000 Yeah.

00:15:45.000 Can you believe the tiger got him?

00:15:46.000 I don't know why he sounds like that.

00:15:50.000 When we were there, they were talking about the front rows, the front rows where all the rich people sat to watch the Coliseum, and that was when, if a tiger did get out, that's where they usually got to those people and killed a bunch of them.

00:16:00.000 That's ironic.

00:16:02.000 Just there to get a front row seat, and then nature's like, cacao, gotcha.

00:16:05.000 Look at these guys.

00:16:06.000 Look at that. 0.98

00:16:07.000 They're all jerking each other off. 1.00

00:16:08.000 Oh my god, they're shitting in sandals! 1.00

00:16:11.000 Oh, of course. 1.00

00:16:11.000 They did everything in sandals. 1.00

00:16:13.000 Who's the guy with the satchel all the way on the left?

00:16:15.000 That's Play-Doh.

00:16:16.000 Okay. 1.00

00:16:17.000 He's covering his cock. 1.00

00:16:18.000 Don't you get it? 1.00

00:16:18.000 Okay, yeah, I get it. 1.00

00:16:19.000 There's a dog shitting in the hole. 0.53

00:16:21.000 Oh, I bet that's not true. 1.00

00:16:23.000 I bet dogs didn't shit in the hole. 1.00

00:16:25.000 Look at that. 0.99

00:16:25.000 Oh, there's shit on the floor. 0.99

00:16:27.000 Shit on the... 1.00

00:16:27.000 That is so gross. 1.00

00:16:29.000 Is that really what they were like?

00:16:30.000 What are these spoons for? 1.00

00:16:32.000 Eating shit. 1.00

00:16:33.000 Scooping the poop out of your butt? 1.00

00:16:34.000 With spoons, too. 0.99

00:16:35.000 In case it gets clogged.

00:16:36.000 Oh, probably scoop the water out.

00:16:37.000 This is a disgusting fact, so I'm going to pull it up.

00:16:39.000 Oh, boy. 0.70

00:16:39.000 You probably would scoop out the water. 0.70

00:16:41.000 Oh, boy.

00:16:42.000 Who's this guy? 0.97

00:16:43.000 Some guy with a video on disgusting things with poop. 0.87

00:16:46.000 Yeah, you guys have the nicest toilet here ever.

00:16:49.000 I can't imagine.

00:16:49.000 I mean, what was sex like back then?

00:16:52.000 Even though they were in their own era and their perspective is limited because of, you know, just where they're at, it still must have been gross. 0.98

00:16:59.000 This guy had to be disgusting. 0.92

00:17:00.000 They must have smelled terrible. 0.98

00:17:01.000 There was no soap.

00:17:02.000 There's no soap?

00:17:03.000 Well, they must have had soap.

00:17:06.000 They must have had soap.

00:17:07.000 It was like, you know, it just wasn't as fancy as our soaps.

00:17:10.000 Yeah.

00:17:11.000 There's no deodorant.

00:17:12.000 No deodorant.

00:17:13.000 It's just oils and water.

00:17:15.000 What is going on here, Jamie?

00:17:16.000 Are they holding hands?

00:17:18.000 Or they're sharing that spoon thing. 1.00

00:17:20.000 I can't tell what the fucking spoon is. 1.00

00:17:21.000 What is the spoon? 1.00

00:17:21.000 That guy looks like he's in a real moment. 1.00

00:17:23.000 I don't know if they wipe with or if they pour water on it.

00:17:25.000 That looks like Little Dicky and Cosby.

00:17:27.000 Here's the other thing, too.

00:17:28.000 Why not be a little further apart, boys?

00:17:31.000 Yeah, why are they so close?

00:17:32.000 Hey, fellow with the robe, how about you scoot over?

00:17:35.000 There's a couple extra stalls.

00:17:36.000 I'm going to share that spoon.

00:17:37.000 You don't want to be reaching.

00:17:38.000 Maybe he was all the way over. 0.99

00:17:40.000 Are you pouring that spoon on your butt to break things loose? 0.99

00:17:44.000 He was down a couple seats, but homie needed a hand to hold. 1.00

00:17:47.000 I think what that was is they would take that spoon and they would wash their hands. 0.99

00:17:50.000 They'd use their hand to wash their butt. 1.00

00:17:53.000 That's so barbaric, man. 0.99

00:17:56.000 That's why I think you're not supposed to shake hands with your left hand in some cultures, I think to this day. 0.91

00:18:00.000 Because that's your butt-wiping hand?

00:18:01.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:18:02.000 So you would take the water, you'd pour it in your hand, if I had to guess, and you'd lather your butthole. 1.00

00:18:08.000 That's disgusting. 0.99

00:18:09.000 I mean, why not grab a leaf? 1.00

00:18:10.000 Those fuckers were wearing leafs anyways as outfits. 1.00

00:18:12.000 Oh, they were wearing leafs at that point in time. 1.00

00:18:14.000 A couple dudes were running around in a leaf shirt and a leaf outfit.

00:18:17.000 I think the Leafs is something they added to those Roman statues when people got...

00:18:22.000 Mad about the peonies?

00:18:23.000 They got a little weird.

00:18:24.000 They got a little modest.

00:18:26.000 They were modest then without any plumbing. 0.99

00:18:29.000 Well, I think they just decided that dicks were bad somewhere along the line. 0.98

00:18:34.000 I decided that a long time ago. 0.99

00:18:37.000 Alright, so they had a sponge on the end of a stick.

00:18:40.000 They would wipe them off.

00:18:41.000 Ah, that sounds great.

00:18:42.000 So you shared a sponge?

00:18:43.000 You would share it?

00:18:44.000 I think so.

00:18:46.000 No!

00:18:46.000 A communal butt sponge?

00:18:47.000 Are you done with that sponge?

00:18:49.000 Oh, man.

00:18:50.000 No!

00:18:51.000 No, no, no.

00:18:52.000 Not a communal butt sponge. 0.99

00:18:54.000 Since we got these toilets that actually clean your butt with warm water when you press a button. 1.00

00:18:59.000 It's the nicest. 0.98

00:19:00.000 But it's also the cleanest. 0.99

00:19:02.000 What are we doing smearing shit around? 0.99

00:19:04.000 All you're doing is smearing some of it off. 0.99

00:19:07.000 Everywhere.

00:19:07.000 On your face, on the handles.

00:19:09.000 If shit came out of your nose, would you be comfortable just smearing it like that and just give it a good wipe? 0.99

00:19:14.000 Are we in Rome or are we in Ventura, California? 1.00

00:19:19.000 No, I'm a very clean person.

00:19:21.000 I wet nap that bunghole whenever I can, all day long.

00:19:25.000 Keep it crisp.

00:19:26.000 Good move.

00:19:27.000 Keep it crisp and clean.

00:19:28.000 Do you think that you would use one of those toilet things?

00:19:30.000 Hell no.

00:19:31.000 You wouldn't?

00:19:32.000 Absolutely not.

00:19:33.000 You'd see me crapping in the woods.

00:19:34.000 No, no, I mean this one, the one we have.

00:19:35.000 Oh! 0.60

00:19:36.000 Are you kidding me?

00:19:36.000 That's the most luxurious pee I've ever taken in my life.

00:19:40.000 Congratulations.

00:19:40.000 There was like a remote control?

00:19:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:42.000 That's like the upper echelon of society crap right there. 0.99

00:19:45.000 It's very fancy. 0.98

00:19:46.000 It's not that expensive.

00:19:47.000 Really?

00:19:48.000 No, it's not.

00:19:49.000 I mean, for what it does, it's like very, very valuable.

00:19:52.000 At first I was confused because there was a couple seats.

00:19:54.000 What is it?

00:19:54.000 A Bondale?

00:19:55.000 What's it called?

00:19:56.000 Brondale?

00:19:57.000 Brondale?

00:19:58.000 Yeah.

00:20:00.000 Give them some love.

00:20:01.000 I think they gave it to us for free, too.

00:20:03.000 There's a remote there, too, with a bunch of settings.

00:20:05.000 Brondel?

00:20:06.000 Yeah.

00:20:07.000 It's a very nice toilet.

00:20:08.000 And that's like a model from many years ago.

00:20:10.000 They have it nailed.

00:20:11.000 They had it nailed like, oh, no, no, these are recent.

00:20:14.000 These are ones that we bought when we got the studio, right?

00:20:16.000 Yeah.

00:20:17.000 It wasn't too hot, either.

00:20:18.000 Didn't it feel like someone was just sitting there? 0.87

00:20:20.000 You ever have that experience where it's like, oh, there's a butt just here? 0.90

00:20:24.000 Right, there's a pleasure that you don't want.

00:20:27.000 I don't want to feel good.

00:20:29.000 I'd rather the seat be uninviting and cold.

00:20:31.000 I don't want to stay here.

00:20:32.000 All the bacteria is long since abandoned.

00:20:34.000 All the crabs. 0.94

00:20:36.000 Do you only crap in certain places? 0.98

00:20:38.000 Because on the road, you travel a lot. 0.99

00:20:40.000 You just gotta go when you gotta go.

00:20:41.000 You gotta do what you gotta do.

00:20:42.000 Do you do what you gotta do? 1.00

00:20:43.000 Yeah, I'm not scared to take a shit. 1.00

00:20:44.000 You're not discriminating? 1.00

00:20:45.000 In public, no.

00:20:45.000 But not even just being Joe Rogan and being next to the person who's like...

00:20:49.000 What are you gonna do?

00:20:50.000 I heard Joe Rogan... 0.99

00:20:51.000 We're all just shitting. 0.99

00:20:52.000 Huh? 0.99

00:20:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:53.000 Have you seen the bathrooms like at Venice Beach, though?

00:20:55.000 Are you going in there?

00:20:57.000 I had to once.

00:20:58.000 Are these public toilets in Venice Beach?

00:21:00.000 Oh, see, whenever you deal...

00:21:01.000 Then that smell of homeless.

00:21:03.000 Yeah, there's a...

00:21:04.000 That wino pee smell.

00:21:05.000 That's Rome.

00:21:05.000 That is Rome.

00:21:06.000 There's a thing where you got piss-soaked clothes that people have been wearing forever. 0.86

00:21:11.000 You know that super ripe, pungent, homeless, crazy person smell?

00:21:15.000 It's the most thick smell ever.

00:21:18.000 It's a weird smell.

00:21:19.000 But then you get used to it.

00:21:21.000 It's really similar. 0.99

00:21:24.000 It's usually a person that's got mental illness and they piss themselves or shit themselves and they get this really deep, horrible odor to them. 0.99

00:21:34.000 And then they don't even know. 0.99

00:21:36.000 But it's so similar.

00:21:37.000 It is similar.

00:21:38.000 It's like the same smell.

00:21:39.000 Like BO. Like really bad BO. It's almost always the same kind of smell.

00:21:43.000 You've been to a fish concert, right?

00:21:45.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:21:46.000 Exactly what it smells like.

00:21:47.000 First of all, that's the main reason why I've never been to a fish concert.

00:21:51.000 That sounds like it smells terrible.

00:21:52.000 I would imagine.

00:21:53.000 Yeah.

00:21:53.000 We're just using salt rocks to clean our pits.

00:21:56.000 We found out that modern industrialized deodorant is really just a plot.

00:22:03.000 It's just a plot.

00:22:04.000 You know what else?

00:22:05.000 Furthermore, to your point, they really abuse the chemicals and the ingredients, so this is cruelty-free.

00:22:13.000 Nobody's offended while they make the product.

00:22:15.000 Yeah, you either get it all natural, which is like rocks.

00:22:19.000 Have you ever seen those mineral rocks you're supposed to rub in your armpits?

00:22:22.000 I used to use those. 1.00

00:22:22.000 They don't work for shit. 1.00

00:22:23.000 They don't work at all. 1.00

00:22:24.000 They just make you smell like a salty homeless person.

00:22:29.000 Yeah, what is the salt in your pits work?

00:22:31.000 Is that what people do?

00:22:32.000 You know what works?

00:22:33.000 What?

00:22:33.000 If you don't have a deodorant or anything?

00:22:35.000 Lemon, citrus.

00:22:36.000 It's a, you know, antibacterial, natural. 0.99

00:22:39.000 No shit. 0.99

00:22:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:22:40.000 That makes sense.

00:22:40.000 Spritz some oregano oil in that.

00:22:42.000 That's also antimicrobial, natural, antiseptic.

00:22:46.000 Eucalyptus oil is too.

00:22:48.000 Yeah, put some oil.

00:22:48.000 Some mint.

00:22:49.000 Don't put the mint in your nether regions though.

00:22:52.000 That might hurt.

00:22:52.000 Might hurt the cooch-cooch.

00:22:54.000 Might burn the kitty. 0.93

00:22:55.000 I use a soap called Defense Soap.

00:22:58.000 It's all made with natural oils.

00:22:59.000 Yeah, that's the best. 0.98

00:23:01.000 It's designed for grapplers because grapplers get like skin scratches and infections and a lot of ringworm and shit. 0.99

00:23:09.000 Gross! 0.99

00:23:09.000 Have you had ringworm? 0.99

00:23:11.000 Oh, a bunch of times.

00:23:12.000 What?

00:23:12.000 Yeah, I've had ringworm...

00:23:14.000 I've had staph twice, and I had ringworm, I think, three times.

00:23:19.000 Isn't that basically when you like...

00:23:20.000 More than three times, because I've had it on my feet, but it's basically the same thing.

00:23:22.000 You poke your finger and poop and scratch, right?

00:23:24.000 That's science.

00:23:26.000 You are a doctor, clearly. 1.00

00:23:29.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99

00:23:30.000 Isn't ringworm, like, from, like... 1.00

00:23:33.000 It's a...

00:23:34.000 Poop bacteria?

00:23:35.000 I don't think so.

00:23:37.000 I think ringworm is just a parasite.

00:23:40.000 And it's...

00:23:40.000 What happens is it gets through...

00:23:42.000 I think it gets through broken skin.

00:23:44.000 Yeah.

00:23:44.000 It's scratched skin.

00:23:45.000 And then it forms this weird ring.

00:23:48.000 Like a bullseye.

00:23:49.000 Dude. 0.99

00:23:50.000 It's really fucking gross. 0.99

00:23:51.000 I can't deal with it. 1.00

00:23:52.000 It shows the monsters inside of me.

00:23:54.000 I don't want to know.

00:23:55.000 Someone sent me a link.

00:23:57.000 It was Josh Wolf sent me a link about the little mites that are in your eyelashes.

00:24:03.000 No. 0.99

00:24:03.000 I don't want to fucking know. 0.99

00:24:04.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:24:04.000 I can't even handle people in their cars in the 405. I don't want to know about fucking mites in my eyelashes. 0.99

00:24:10.000 Imagine if you could just see on the 405 as you're driving how many people have lice. 0.99

00:24:14.000 If there's lights on in the cars.

00:24:17.000 There should be.

00:24:17.000 That's the future.

00:24:18.000 That's what we need.

00:24:19.000 I don't want to know your followers. 1.00

00:24:20.000 I want to know how many lices you have in your fucking neck. 1.00

00:24:23.000 Lice is a weird one because lice is around when I was a kid. 1.00

00:24:25.000 Everyone gets it.

00:24:26.000 First of all, I can't get it anymore.

00:24:28.000 Thank you.

00:24:28.000 I know.

00:24:28.000 You're immune.

00:24:30.000 I'm lice-free.

00:24:31.000 You're impervious to lice.

00:24:32.000 But when I was a kid, I was like, when are they going to figure this lice thing out?

00:24:37.000 Because apparently adults don't get it.

00:24:39.000 Really?

00:24:40.000 No.

00:24:41.000 Adults hardly ever have lice.

00:24:43.000 When was the last time you had your hair checked for lice?

00:24:44.000 Well, I'm not hanging out napping in a kindergarten where children are riddled with it.

00:24:48.000 That's the thing.

00:24:49.000 How are the kids getting it?

00:24:50.000 Because they're rolling around going head to head talking about, you know...

00:24:53.000 There's got to be patient zero. 0.98

00:24:55.000 What the fuck's going on with patient zero? 0.98

00:24:56.000 Who's patient zero? 0.99

00:24:57.000 Some little kid.

00:24:58.000 Probably some rich kid whose parents neglect him and he's had him in there for a long time.

00:25:02.000 Yeah, he's got rich lice.

00:25:03.000 Rice.

00:25:06.000 You think that's funny?

00:25:09.000 Marijuana distorts your perceptions.

00:25:12.000 It really does.

00:25:13.000 It does.

00:25:13.000 It's an amazing medicine for your brain.

00:25:16.000 It's super weird when you're not high and you're watching people that are and you're like, this seems unattractive.

00:25:22.000 Is that what's happening right now?

00:25:24.000 No, we're both high.

00:25:25.000 All three of us.

00:25:27.000 Oh, that's right.

00:25:27.000 Jamie's high, too.

00:25:29.000 Yeah, he's very irresponsible.

00:25:30.000 Are those oven mitts on your shirt, Jamie?

00:25:32.000 Yeah.

00:25:33.000 Oh, that makes me want like a grilled cheese sandwich.

00:25:35.000 I don't know why.

00:25:36.000 Yeah.

00:25:36.000 What is that?

00:25:37.000 Johnny Cupcakes.

00:25:38.000 Oh, cool.

00:25:39.000 Wouldn't it be amazing if grilled cheese sandwiches were super good for you?

00:25:42.000 Oh, God.

00:25:43.000 It's my one thing that I just...

00:25:44.000 It's my food.

00:25:45.000 Like the one thing.

00:25:46.000 French fries. 1.00

00:25:47.000 Imagine if French fries were the shit. 1.00

00:25:48.000 It's like... 1.00

00:25:49.000 They found out that it actually turns your age back.

00:25:53.000 The sweet potato fries do?

00:25:54.000 Is that like a trick?

00:25:54.000 Does that work?

00:25:55.000 Yeah.

00:25:55.000 No, no.

00:25:56.000 Because it's the fry part that's the worst.

00:25:58.000 If you just had the sweet potato fries, bake them, you're good.

00:26:01.000 It's not as bad.

00:26:02.000 Well... 0.98

00:26:02.000 I think it depends on what kind of oil you cook it under, but I think whenever you cook anything in hot oil, there's something about the way the oil breaks down that your body's like, what the fuck is this? 0.98

00:26:11.000 I think it gets carcinogenic, doesn't it?

00:26:14.000 I don't know, but I like when you use big words.

00:26:17.000 I like when you pretend you're a doctor again.

00:26:22.000 Imagine if this is your doctor.

00:26:24.000 The doctor's like, hey, doc, do you think I should eat french fries?

00:26:28.000 The doctor's like, I think it's carcinogenic, right? 0.99

00:26:31.000 You're like, God damn this health plan. 1.00

00:26:34.000 Fuck you, Obama. 1.00

00:26:35.000 Fuck your single pay care. 1.00

00:26:38.000 Shit! 1.00

00:26:38.000 You can't afford health care. 1.00

00:26:39.000 Come over my house.

00:26:40.000 I'll let you know if you're carcinogenic or not.

00:26:42.000 There's something real gross about people that are like, you know, get better health care.

00:26:46.000 Go get better health care.

00:26:47.000 Yeah, like it's just readily available.

00:26:49.000 But that's one of the grossest ones.

00:26:50.000 When you don't feel for fellow citizens in our community that don't have health care.

00:26:55.000 I know.

00:26:57.000 I didn't have health care forever.

00:26:58.000 I just got it a week ago.

00:27:01.000 Yo, I got it a week ago and I booked all the appointments.

00:27:04.000 Did you?

00:27:04.000 Everything.

00:27:04.000 I got the kitty cat checked, got the teeth checked.

00:27:07.000 Nice.

00:27:07.000 Eyes.

00:27:08.000 Were you worried about the teeth? 1.00

00:27:09.000 Did you ever have the feeling like you have a cavity, like a phantom cavity, like shit? 1.00

00:27:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:13.000 Why does my tooth hurt? 1.00

00:27:14.000 Do I have a fucking cavity? 0.99

00:27:15.000 I definitely did. 1.00

00:27:16.000 My teeth were like crevasses.

00:27:19.000 Oh, did you have a bunch of cavities now? 0.86

00:27:20.000 Yeah, she filled me like four times because I haven't been because healthcare is ridiculous. 0.99

00:27:24.000 Were you eating candy?

00:27:25.000 No, I wasn't eating candy.

00:27:26.000 Why are you getting all these holes in your face?

00:27:27.000 I don't know.

00:27:28.000 I think like, you know, changes in my life.

00:27:30.000 Maybe I got ringworm from you.

00:27:32.000 Ch-ch-ch-changes. 0.99

00:27:33.000 Ch-ch-ch-changes. 0.99

00:27:38.000 Yeah, little kids get it all the time.

00:27:40.000 They do.

00:27:41.000 Oh, dude.

00:27:41.000 Because they're rolling in dirt.

00:27:42.000 I'm going to blow you away.

00:27:43.000 Blow your mind away.

00:27:44.000 Okay.

00:27:45.000 Hookworm was super common in the South, and it literally diminishes your capacity for thinking. 1.00

00:27:52.000 So the idea of the slack-jawed, southern, dumb person. 0.99

00:27:57.000 Theo. 1.00

00:27:58.000 No!

00:27:59.000 I'm just kidding.

00:28:00.000 It's Theo.

00:28:00.000 I'm sorry.

00:28:01.000 I didn't know she was going to do that.

00:28:03.000 I would never have her on, bro.

00:28:05.000 You know I love you.

00:28:07.000 I love you, Theo.

00:28:08.000 No, not Theo.

00:28:09.000 But maybe people Theo knows.

00:28:11.000 His relatives.

00:28:11.000 If you had to say it in a Theo Vaughn voice, maybe a few people that I know.

00:28:15.000 Yes.

00:28:16.000 Yeah.

00:28:16.000 They were all hookworm victims.

00:28:19.000 So how do you get hookworm?

00:28:21.000 Walking around barefoot.

00:28:22.000 I mean, there's just too many opportunities to get these worms in your body.

00:28:27.000 Oh, for sure.

00:28:28.000 That's so gross.

00:28:29.000 Like when you see dudes who go to some foreign country and they get scratched and they come back and a bot flies glowing out of their head.

00:28:35.000 And their belly flying out.

00:28:38.000 A kid just died recently in India.

00:28:43.000 I think it was India.

00:28:44.000 He got an infection.

00:28:46.000 He was having headaches.

00:28:48.000 And it turns out worms from pig feces had made it all the way up into his brain.

00:28:55.000 And they were making cysts all throughout his brain.

00:28:58.000 Oh, God.

00:28:59.000 Yeah.

00:28:59.000 And then he died shortly thereafter.

00:29:01.000 They said it was so bad they couldn't even give him deworming medication.

00:29:06.000 Because if they did, they were worried his brain would start bleeding.

00:29:09.000 And that he would suffer from a stroke.

00:29:13.000 What?

00:29:14.000 I am not gonna sleep tonight.

00:29:16.000 All this worm talk.

00:29:17.000 That's terrible.

00:29:19.000 Pull those pictures up.

00:29:20.000 They have pictures of the dude's brain and it's just like filled with cysts.

00:29:25.000 Oh god!

00:29:26.000 Why are we looking at that?

00:29:28.000 Because we're high and it's like 10 in the morning.

00:29:31.000 Oh, you know what I was saying before?

00:29:32.000 I forgot to bring my fanny pack.

00:29:33.000 You gave me one of your fanny packs and I travel with that everywhere.

00:29:37.000 Thank you very much.

00:29:38.000 I'm glad you enjoy it.

00:29:38.000 It's the most resourceful thing ever.

00:29:40.000 People think I'm joking.

00:29:41.000 This is my fanny pack.

00:29:42.000 I know. 0.99

00:29:43.000 I fucking wear this for real. 0.99

00:29:43.000 I have the same one and a couple people have talked some shit and I was like, you better step back. 0.99

00:29:48.000 Step back. 0.99

00:29:49.000 I've got my pharmacy in there.

00:29:51.000 I've got my whole thing so I can be a doctor on the road.

00:29:54.000 Oh, do you have a stethoscope?

00:29:55.000 No.

00:29:55.000 I got a scalpel.

00:29:57.000 What's that?

00:29:57.000 He complained of having pain in his groin and swelling in his eye, and then they found out he had cysts all over his brain.

00:30:04.000 I mean, I have pain in my groin every week, but...

00:30:06.000 Look at his brain.

00:30:09.000 On the right, I'm assuming, is the result?

00:30:12.000 Both of them.

00:30:12.000 It's different views of...

00:30:13.000 They're both different views. 0.97

00:30:14.000 Those little holes are all cysts inside his brain. 0.93

00:30:18.000 Yeah, his brain is literally imploding. 0.83

00:30:21.000 All those little spots, those little white spots, those are all little cysts inside his brain.

00:30:26.000 That must have been painful. 0.99

00:30:28.000 Fucking pure agony. 0.99

00:30:30.000 It must be pure agony. 1.00

00:30:31.000 And this was in India, you said?

00:30:33.000 What country was this?

00:30:34.000 Man.

00:30:34.000 Was it India?

00:30:35.000 Yeah.

00:30:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:37.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:30:39.000 And just imagine people having not the access to healthcare in this country, but at least we're a little bit modernized. 1.00

00:30:46.000 Being in one of those countries and being poor, you're fucked! 1.00

00:30:50.000 You're so fucked. 1.00

00:30:52.000 By swallowing microscopic eggs passed in the feces of a person who has intestinal pork tapeworm. 1.00

00:30:58.000 Bye.

00:30:58.000 Never going to brunch again.

00:30:59.000 But think about that.

00:31:00.000 It's not even just pork tapeworm. 1.00

00:31:03.000 It's the eggs in the shit of a person who has the tapeworm. 1.00

00:31:08.000 Did you see what the... 1.00

00:31:09.000 Oh, God.

00:31:10.000 Jesus Christ.

00:31:11.000 Holy hell. 1.00

00:31:12.000 And it's getting your mouth from shit. 1.00

00:31:13.000 I'm glad I smoked a joint before this shit. 1.00

00:31:15.000 I am in a pure panic attack. 1.00

00:31:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:18.000 Don't eat ass in India unless that person is on anti-tapeworm medication. 1.00

00:31:23.000 Also, never eat ass again. 1.00

00:31:24.000 I mean, this is a PSA for anti-ass eating. 1.00

00:31:27.000 It is.

00:31:28.000 I told you I had E. coli a few weeks ago.

00:31:30.000 Yeah.

00:31:30.000 That was my life.

00:31:31.000 What were you saying, Jamie?

00:31:32.000 There's been a change in the way that the pork industry is going to be doing inspections.

00:31:36.000 The government's going to stop doing it, apparently, as of early May, and the industry is now taking over.

00:31:41.000 Oh, that'll be very fair.

00:31:43.000 That's a terrible idea.

00:31:44.000 That's exactly what you want. 0.92

00:31:46.000 This is one of those things where people that are all in favor of deregulating everything, you need to understand, shit like this happens, if these people cut corners, and we know people have cut corners before, maybe it's not all of them. 0.65

00:31:59.000 Maybe most of them are going to be great. 0.99

00:32:01.000 People are going to die.

00:32:02.000 People are going to die.

00:32:03.000 People are going to get sick.

00:32:03.000 They're going to get E. coli.

00:32:05.000 They're going to get all sorts of fucked up things. 0.93

00:32:06.000 40% and replacing them with plant employees. 0.97

00:32:10.000 Oh my god.

00:32:10.000 Cutting the number of federal inspectors by about 40%.

00:32:12.000 That is such a bad idea.

00:32:14.000 Well, it looks like America and everywhere is going to get a whole bunch of hookworms.

00:32:18.000 This is like having the mafia...

00:32:21.000 Police the streets.

00:32:22.000 This is like taking away establishment.

00:32:24.000 There would be no limits on slaughter line speeds.

00:32:27.000 That is so gross.

00:32:28.000 They're just trying to make it quicker.

00:32:30.000 Pork is a weird one, man.

00:32:32.000 Pork is a weird one.

00:32:33.000 It's too risky, man.

00:32:34.000 It's way too risky.

00:32:35.000 No, not even that. 0.99

00:32:36.000 I mean, they're fucking smart. 0.99

00:32:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:38.000 It's one of the weird things. 0.99

00:32:39.000 They're like smart like a dog.

00:32:41.000 They're like a five-year-old, aren't they?

00:32:43.000 Maybe not.

00:32:45.000 Your kid, like a five-year-old.

00:32:47.000 Wow, wow, shots fired.

00:32:48.000 Wow!

00:32:49.000 Five-year-old of a doctor, a real doctor.

00:32:51.000 Arrow fired right into my reproductive heart. 1.00

00:32:54.000 I mean, your five-year-old would be like...

00:32:55.000 What do you think he'd be like?

00:32:57.000 Stoner.

00:32:59.000 Rude.

00:32:59.000 Rude!

00:33:00.000 A, good point.

00:33:01.000 B, rude.

00:33:02.000 C, you're probably right.

00:33:03.000 I'm sure you'd have a great five-year-old.

00:33:06.000 My kid would be chill.

00:33:08.000 You know what?

00:33:08.000 He wouldn't be beating up your kid.

00:33:09.000 He'd be very nice.

00:33:11.000 You'd be surprised.

00:33:12.000 My parents are hippies.

00:33:13.000 I know, that's true.

00:33:14.000 I do know that, yeah.

00:33:15.000 My mom's a super hippie, so is my stepdad.

00:33:18.000 But eating pig is weird because they are a very intelligent creature.

00:33:22.000 But here's the other weird part about it. 1.00

00:33:23.000 You gotta kill them. 1.00

00:33:24.000 Because they breed like crazy. 1.00

00:33:26.000 And in the wild they go nuts.

00:33:27.000 They're everywhere in the wild.

00:33:29.000 Their tusks grow very fast.

00:33:30.000 They become very barbaric.

00:33:32.000 Those are tusks.

00:33:33.000 See that little tray right here? 0.99

00:33:34.000 Yeah, are those pigs? 0.98

00:33:36.000 They look like... 0.98

00:33:37.000 That's a wild boar tusk.

00:33:39.000 That's from Adam Greentree.

00:33:41.000 He killed that in Australia.

00:33:43.000 They have a problem with them in Australia too.

00:33:45.000 Wow.

00:33:45.000 It's wild how hollow it is, but it's so strong even still.

00:33:51.000 Yeah, that's a big-ass hook.

00:33:52.000 We should go fishing with this and see what we can catch. 1.00

00:33:54.000 Fuck up a whale with that. 1.00

00:33:55.000 Yeah, we would. 1.00

00:33:56.000 We could definitely catch a humpback or something with this puppy.

00:33:59.000 It's a weird thing.

00:34:01.000 Their teeth are shaped like these weird swords.

00:34:04.000 That is crazy.

00:34:05.000 And they grow so fast.

00:34:07.000 If you release a pig, these things pop out in a couple months.

00:34:10.000 Yeah, they start popping out.

00:34:11.000 That's wild.

00:34:12.000 Yeah, they start changing when they're not taken care of.

00:34:15.000 It's like...

00:34:16.000 Remember that movie with Howie Mandel, Walk Like a Man?

00:34:19.000 Do you remember that?

00:34:20.000 Where he was like a...

00:34:21.000 Kind of vaguely.

00:34:21.000 He was raised by wolves or something.

00:34:24.000 That's kind of like almost the equivalent of him coming back to society as releasing a pig and it becoming wild. 0.92

00:34:28.000 Not that I'm calling Howie Mandel a pig, but...

00:34:31.000 He's a nice person. 0.99

00:34:31.000 He's the opposite of a pig. 0.99

00:34:32.000 Very nice gentleman. 0.98

00:34:33.000 But he's also like a super clean freak.

00:34:35.000 He's not getting ringworm or hookworm.

00:34:37.000 No!

00:34:37.000 He's not getting any of the worms.

00:34:39.000 But he might because he like washes his hands a lot.

00:34:42.000 Too much?

00:34:43.000 Yeah, you can do too much and you kill your skin flora. 1.00

00:34:45.000 You fuck up your fauna and flora.

00:34:47.000 You get the imbalance going. 0.98

00:34:48.000 What's going on here?

00:34:49.000 What do you show us?

00:34:50.000 Oh, walk like a man! 1.00

00:34:52.000 This is Howie Mandel.

00:34:53.000 Wow.

00:34:54.000 He's like a dog man?

00:34:56.000 Is that the idea?

00:34:56.000 He was raised by creatures in the wild, and this lady, because women, especially a white lady, is trying to save him.

00:35:04.000 She wants to save him and do good for him, and so he's just trying to acclimate to society.

00:35:11.000 So strange.

00:35:12.000 Great stoner movie, by the way.

00:35:14.000 What year do you think this was?

00:35:16.000 89?

00:35:17.000 87. 87?

00:35:19.000 Yeah, I remember this movie.

00:35:20.000 Howie Mandel's been around for a minute.

00:35:21.000 He's been around and he looks younger now than he did then. 1.00

00:35:24.000 Dudes, you fucking dudes. 1.00

00:35:26.000 Maybe it's washing your hair. 1.00

00:35:27.000 Maybe it's a good move.

00:35:29.000 Washing your hands.

00:35:30.000 Oh, washing your hands.

00:35:31.000 Yeah, it probably is a good move.

00:35:32.000 She washes his hands like crazy. 0.96

00:35:33.000 Maybe that's why she's so young.

00:35:34.000 Can't be too clean, though.

00:35:35.000 We're very clean in this society.

00:35:36.000 We can't handle natural bacterias that exist in nature. 0.91

00:35:41.000 It fucks us up. 0.73

00:35:41.000 We're going to end up just murdering ourselves because of how clean we are. 0.73

00:35:45.000 I think much more likely we're going to develop resistant strains of bacteria that are murderous.

00:35:50.000 We already have those!

00:35:52.000 There's a new one that they just...

00:35:53.000 Did you see that thing?

00:35:54.000 That flu virus that's like...

00:35:56.000 That article?

00:35:57.000 There's an article that just came out about some mysterious infection that's been merking people.

00:36:03.000 That's because we're too clean.

00:36:04.000 We should bring back the Roman toilets just to level it all out a bit. 1.00

00:36:09.000 Have a couple of them sprinkled around.

00:36:11.000 I don't think that's a good one.

00:36:12.000 Just a couple of them.

00:36:13.000 But there's port-a-potties.

00:36:15.000 What's the difference between those and a port-a-potty if you work on a construction site?

00:36:18.000 I can't hold a hand in a port-a-potty.

00:36:20.000 Do you ever go to a music festival? 1.00

00:36:22.000 Fuck no. 1.00

00:36:23.000 And use one of them when you shit that blue liquid? 1.00

00:36:26.000 I'm not doing that. 0.99

00:36:27.000 That's a low point.

00:36:28.000 I'm not doing that so I can get that worm that Theo's cousins have? 1.00

00:36:31.000 I'm not doing that shit. 1.00

00:36:33.000 Don't do it barefoot. 1.00

00:36:34.000 What are you showing me, Jamie?

00:36:35.000 What festival are people at that aren't barefoot?

00:36:38.000 That's what everyone does.

00:36:39.000 The deadly fungal infection resistant to treatment.

00:36:43.000 That's what it's called.

00:36:44.000 That sounds bad.

00:36:46.000 Yeah.

00:36:46.000 Or it sounds like a new solar system.

00:36:49.000 Unstoppable fungus killing the world's banana supply.

00:36:52.000 Man addicted to sniffing his socks.

00:36:54.000 That's a separate link.

00:36:55.000 Hold on.

00:36:57.000 Separately.

00:36:57.000 That's a clickbait.

00:36:58.000 Man addicted to sniffing and socks develops severe fungal lung infection. 1.00

00:37:05.000 Oh, shit! 0.99

00:37:07.000 That is not real. 1.00

00:37:09.000 This can't be real.

00:37:10.000 This is like stoner news.

00:37:11.000 Here's another link.

00:37:13.000 Socks aren't sexual, says KiwiSchoolGirl.

00:37:15.000 This is how you fall down a clickbait click hole real quick.

00:37:18.000 So, who's writing these?

00:37:20.000 Like, Gary Busey?

00:37:21.000 Who's writing these headlines?

00:37:22.000 Oh, how about this?

00:37:22.000 How about what Tim Pool told me?

00:37:24.000 Ready for this?

00:37:25.000 You know those clickbait sites where you go to and it's like, you won't believe what she looks like now. 0.90

00:37:31.000 And then you click on that, and then you go to another one, and it's just like...

00:37:34.000 Never ending click, click, click, click, click.

00:37:36.000 They gather up all these clicks.

00:37:39.000 Like if they have a site that's responsible for like 400,000 unique clicks a day.

00:37:45.000 If they have something like that, they sell it to another company.

00:37:49.000 Those clicks.

00:37:50.000 Another company attaches those clicks to their site and says, we get 100,000 unique views a day.

00:37:57.000 They don't.

00:37:58.000 So they're not real, they're just bought.

00:38:00.000 They're clicks.

00:38:01.000 You can buy clicks.

00:38:02.000 Dude, what world are we in right now?

00:38:04.000 Buying clicks?

00:38:05.000 I don't have time.

00:38:06.000 I don't have time.

00:38:08.000 Please find out if that's true.

00:38:09.000 I think it is.

00:38:10.000 It sounds true.

00:38:11.000 I know what he's saying.

00:38:12.000 Tim Pool doesn't lie.

00:38:14.000 I know a lot of people right now are like, what?

00:38:17.000 I believe it.

00:38:18.000 It's the same thing as...

00:38:18.000 Everybody lies.

00:38:20.000 People buying likes.

00:38:21.000 People have done that.

00:38:22.000 Or like followers.

00:38:24.000 It's the same...

00:38:25.000 Yeah, well, they definitely do that.

00:38:26.000 Internet science.

00:38:27.000 There's a way to do that.

00:38:28.000 People get busted because, like, they don't have any interactions.

00:38:31.000 Like, so they'll put up something.

00:38:32.000 And, like, put up a video, and the video gets, like, a thousand views.

00:38:36.000 But they have, like, a million followers.

00:38:37.000 Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

00:38:38.000 There's no...

00:38:39.000 That doesn't make any sense when the engagement doesn't match up with the people. 1.00

00:38:44.000 I watch all kinds of dumb shit. 0.99

00:38:46.000 The amount of time that I've wasted watching people's internet videos. 1.00

00:38:49.000 So there's those little Instagram videos they make.

00:38:52.000 Yeah.

00:38:53.000 Talking about their morning...

00:38:55.000 The thing you posted today about the Florida headline, that was like the Florida headline for sure.

00:39:02.000 That was like what you said in the caption.

00:39:03.000 That was legit.

00:39:04.000 Yeah, I'm writing this bit about exotic pets.

00:39:09.000 And when I'm in the middle of this bit, I just decided to start researching Florida.

00:39:13.000 What inspired you to write?

00:39:15.000 Did something happen?

00:39:16.000 I'll tell you, I don't want to do the bit.

00:39:17.000 Right, right.

00:39:19.000 It says, a Florida man tries to start naked fight club at Chick-fil-A. A Florida man was arrested after he challenged others to fight and to stare at his genitals outside a Chick-fil-A restaurant. 0.86

00:39:30.000 What did Dan Bilzerian say?

00:39:32.000 People from Florida just can't act right. 1.00

00:39:34.000 Trust me, I'm a...

00:39:36.000 That's a good jab at himself.

00:39:38.000 Points to Bilzerian for at least to come and correct with that. 1.00

00:39:41.000 That's funny. 0.97

00:39:42.000 That is a ridiculous headline. 1.00

00:39:44.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

00:39:45.000 Also, where can I sign up?

00:39:46.000 It sounds fun.

00:39:47.000 It's like Game of Thrones for meth heads.

00:39:49.000 Naked Fight Club?

00:39:50.000 Yeah, why not?

00:39:51.000 You want to go to watch from a neighboring parking lot with binoculars.

00:39:54.000 Hell yeah.

00:39:55.000 That's what you want to do.

00:39:56.000 You want to tailgate that. 1.00

00:39:57.000 You want to be far enough away so if they start running at you, balls out, dick swinging... 1.00

00:40:03.000 Like those Florida zombies do. 0.99

00:40:05.000 Keep your car in park, engine running, and then use those binos.

00:40:09.000 Absolutely.

00:40:10.000 Is that you?

00:40:10.000 No, I shut mine off.

00:40:11.000 Is that Jamie?

00:40:11.000 How dare you, Jamie?

00:40:12.000 I'm a professional Jamie with your oven mitt t-shirt, sir.

00:40:16.000 There's got to be video of that, right?

00:40:17.000 If someone was out at a Chick-fil-A naked, there's got to be cell phone video of that.

00:40:21.000 If there's not video, that's a very depressing fact.

00:40:24.000 There has to be some video.

00:40:26.000 Video of almost any kind of interaction like that around these days.

00:40:29.000 People create interactions so that they can videotape them.

00:40:32.000 Parents, man, they've got to stop putting their kids on video.

00:40:35.000 We've got to stop.

00:40:35.000 It's enough.

00:40:36.000 You say that, but there's a little kid that's like six years old that reviews toys, and he makes $20 million a year.

00:40:43.000 Oh, he's a multi-millionaire.

00:40:43.000 $20 million a year.

00:40:44.000 Opening Disney toys.

00:40:46.000 Just looking at toys.

00:40:47.000 If someone give me $100, I'll open up a box of, you know, toys.

00:40:50.000 I'll do it.

00:40:51.000 $100 beans.

00:40:52.000 That's it.

00:40:53.000 Nobody wants to see you open up toys.

00:40:54.000 You're not a baby. 1.00

00:40:55.000 Alright, well fuck it, but I'm going to find something else. 1.00

00:40:56.000 They want to see little cute kids. 1.00

00:40:58.000 I'll dress up in a diaper.

00:41:00.000 What?

00:41:00.000 That's not going to help.

00:41:01.000 Ah, fuck. 1.00

00:41:02.000 I've got to find another thing to make money. 1.00

00:41:06.000 You gotta find another angle.

00:41:08.000 Yeah, that kid, he's making a lot of money.

00:41:09.000 I was gonna be the YouTube toy guy.

00:41:11.000 There's a lady who does it with just her hands. 1.00

00:41:13.000 A grown woman.

00:41:14.000 What does she do with her hands? 1.00

00:41:15.000 She opens things up.

00:41:17.000 Same thing.

00:41:18.000 She has beautiful hands? 1.00

00:41:18.000 I don't know if they're beautiful. 1.00

00:41:19.000 I don't know if they're...

00:41:20.000 Does she pull her feet out and start using her feet? 1.00

00:41:21.000 That's what I gotta do.

00:41:23.000 Yeah.

00:41:23.000 I'm gonna open children's toys with my feet.

00:41:25.000 Is that weird?

00:41:25.000 No.

00:41:26.000 You should do it.

00:41:27.000 You should do it and see which one gets better views.

00:41:29.000 Do it with you with painted toenails and do it with you with kind of like neglected toenails.

00:41:35.000 Ha ha ha!

00:41:37.000 Neglected toenails.

00:41:38.000 Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

00:41:38.000 Like little chips in your paint.

00:41:40.000 There's nothing sadder than a neglected toenail.

00:41:43.000 You say that, but it's also kind of hot because it's the kind of chick that'll take some chances.

00:41:50.000 She doesn't even have her toenails in order. 0.61

00:41:53.000 She'll abandon wherever she lives. 1.00

00:41:55.000 She'll move with you across the country.

00:41:56.000 She's crawling through parking lots? 1.00

00:41:58.000 What's she doing?

00:41:58.000 She'll enter into a bank robbing scheme with you.

00:42:00.000 She's not taking care of herself. 1.00

00:42:02.000 She's got chipped toenails. 0.99

00:42:03.000 No big deal.

00:42:04.000 She puts people first. 1.00

00:42:05.000 That's a bitch who puts people first. 1.00

00:42:07.000 Chipped toenail chick. 1.00

00:42:08.000 She just can't get it together.

00:42:09.000 Some people just never quite get it together.

00:42:11.000 They try.

00:42:11.000 They're always just like...

00:42:12.000 Right.

00:42:13.000 Yeah.

00:42:14.000 And then you see their toes and it's a reflection of their own downfalls.

00:42:17.000 They're their own worst enemy.

00:42:18.000 Or they have a job.

00:42:20.000 Yeah.

00:42:20.000 They're too busy.

00:42:21.000 Too busy.

00:42:22.000 Mom with a job and a couple of kids.

00:42:23.000 Who's got time to do nails then? 0.51

00:42:25.000 Unless you're a rich wife. 1.00

00:42:27.000 You gotta do them yourself.

00:42:28.000 You gotta do them yourself.

00:42:29.000 The nail thing is interesting.

00:42:31.000 Why is that?

00:42:33.000 Here's why.

00:42:34.000 Because it's like a service thing that people love.

00:42:37.000 They love going and getting pedicures and manicures. 1.00

00:42:40.000 The people that are into that shit, they love it. 1.00

00:42:42.000 They love dunking their feet in the thing, and then they get to talk to each other. 1.00

00:42:46.000 But they would never want to do that.

00:42:50.000 It's one of those weird things.

00:42:52.000 It's like...

00:42:53.000 If you found out your mom was giving strange dudes pedicures, like, that's our new gig, you'd be like, oh, mom.

00:43:00.000 I'd be like, mom, we gotta go to the therapist.

00:43:01.000 What's going on?

00:43:02.000 Well, we'd say, why do you have this job?

00:43:04.000 Do you really want to clean people's feet? 0.81

00:43:06.000 What about it brings you joy?

00:43:08.000 Because if you need money, you might as well just slice mangoes on the side of the highway or something different.

00:43:13.000 Isn't that weird?

00:43:14.000 That's one where people love getting it done, but to do it, we'd be like, bleh.

00:43:20.000 Well, I get my nails done regularly.

00:43:22.000 I love it.

00:43:23.000 It's very relaxing.

00:43:24.000 But yeah, it's that weird thing where, you know, saying this, it's like, it's one of those jobs that's worked by, you know, non-white people for the most part, which I think is interesting. 0.88

00:43:33.000 Don't you think that's interesting?

00:43:34.000 As a woman who's got her nails done?

00:43:37.000 Entry level jobs for people that are first generation immigrant.

00:43:41.000 What would happen realistically if all immigrants were removed from this country? 1.00

00:43:46.000 Everyone's nails would look like shit. 1.00

00:43:48.000 And your clothes would look terrible. 1.00

00:43:49.000 They got rid of all the illegals. 1.00

00:43:52.000 Everybody who barely speaks English out. 0.76

00:43:55.000 Restaurants would fall apart.

00:43:56.000 There'd be no delicious food.

00:43:58.000 There'd be no fun music.

00:43:59.000 There'd be some fun music.

00:44:01.000 I mean some, but let's be honest.

00:44:03.000 Bachata is a lot of fun.

00:44:04.000 Black people make the most fun music.

00:44:05.000 There's a lot of fun Latino music.

00:44:09.000 That's true.

00:44:12.000 Not many songs in our culture can do one of these and it fits.

00:44:16.000 You know, especially at like a wedding.

00:44:18.000 But yeah, everyone will be jacked up.

00:44:20.000 No good food, no nails.

00:44:22.000 Do you like Gypsy Kings? 1.00

00:44:23.000 I don't know if I know Gypsy Kings. 0.99

00:44:24.000 That sounds very familiar.

00:44:27.000 Put it on. 1.00

00:44:27.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00

00:44:28.000 Is there some? 1.00

00:44:29.000 It's too expensive.

00:44:30.000 No, no, it's not.

00:44:31.000 We'll get this yanked from YouTube.

00:44:33.000 Oh, that's right.

00:44:33.000 You can't put any music on.

00:44:34.000 You can't put anybody's content.

00:44:36.000 I think I just...

00:44:37.000 Somebody sent me a song of Gypsy Kings recently.

00:44:40.000 They've been around forever.

00:44:41.000 Yeah, it sounds familiar.

00:44:42.000 But they're a badass Latino band.

00:44:44.000 And what I love is because I can't speak Spanish.

00:44:47.000 So when they're singing, it's just beautiful.

00:44:49.000 Yeah.

00:44:50.000 Like, whatever they're saying, it just sounds great.

00:44:52.000 It doesn't have any, like...

00:44:55.000 I know there's emotion.

00:44:56.000 I can feel the guy's emotion when he's singing, but I have no idea what he's saying.

00:45:00.000 So I don't need to hear it.

00:45:02.000 I just love the sound of it.

00:45:03.000 It's nice.

00:45:04.000 The language is very melodic.

00:45:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:07.000 Like Spanish, Italian.

00:45:08.000 Those Latin-based languages are very pretty to listen to.

00:45:11.000 There's a musical flow.

00:45:13.000 You ever hear people from Brazil speak Portuguese?

00:45:16.000 I mean, I flick a bean to it all the time. 1.00

00:45:18.000 That shit's sexy. 1.00

00:45:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:21.000 They have a way of talking.

00:45:23.000 There's an up and a down.

00:45:24.000 It's like a little dance.

00:45:25.000 Yeah, it is a little dance.

00:45:27.000 And then people where I'm from, like Syracuse, it's like, you guys want to go get a sandwich?

00:45:31.000 It's like you just don't want us to talk.

00:45:33.000 You know what it is?

00:45:34.000 It's actually they're trying to keep people from breeding. 0.99

00:45:37.000 It's like in the places that suck the most, they have the shittiest accents because they're trying to make everyone disgusting. 0.99

00:45:44.000 Well, I guess I'm not supposed to have a baby then. 0.99

00:45:47.000 I'm telling you, they're just trying to limit the numbers. 0.99

00:45:49.000 They don't want overpopulations in places that suck. 0.89

00:45:52.000 There's probably some legitimacy to what you're saying. 0.95

00:45:55.000 Dude, I'm a scientist.

00:45:56.000 Absolutely.

00:45:56.000 You're a doctor.

00:45:56.000 I'm a doctor and you're a scientist.

00:45:58.000 Anybody who needs some advice, just call us at 1-800.

00:46:01.000 Good luck.

00:46:02.000 There's a new documentary by the guy who wrote Cocaine Cowboys.

00:46:07.000 He did Cocaine Cowboys and a bunch of other documentaries.

00:46:10.000 Billy Corbin.

00:46:11.000 Yep.

00:46:12.000 Billy Corbin.

00:46:14.000 You got it.

00:46:16.000 I don't.

00:46:16.000 Why did I choke on his lane?

00:46:19.000 Some water.

00:46:20.000 Anyway, Billy has a new documentary called Screwball.

00:46:24.000 It's all about Alex Rodriguez and the steroid scandal.

00:46:27.000 And one of the guys in it is a fake doctor who would wear a stethoscope around his neck.

00:46:33.000 Like, he got his degree in some...

00:46:36.000 Janky, overseas, university, and wasn't legal to practice medicine in the United States.

00:46:42.000 But he would call himself a doctor, and he had this stethoscope that he'd wear.

00:46:45.000 How?

00:46:46.000 In public?

00:46:46.000 Well, in his office, he'd walk around with a stethoscope around his neck, hanging around his neck.

00:46:51.000 Just in case you've got to check your heart.

00:46:52.000 Meanwhile, all he's doing is prescribing steroids.

00:46:55.000 It was amazing.

00:46:56.000 You remember this kid that was walking around?

00:46:59.000 He posed as a doctor and had multiple patients and got arrested like a year ago?

00:47:03.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:03.000 I remember this.

00:47:05.000 It's in Florida.

00:47:06.000 I guess it's in Florida, too.

00:47:07.000 It must be pretty easy.

00:47:07.000 Of course it's in Florida.

00:47:09.000 Does his name say Malachi?

00:47:12.000 Yeah.

00:47:12.000 That's a creepy name.

00:47:13.000 That's like Children of the Corn.

00:47:15.000 How do you pronounce that name?

00:47:16.000 Demonic.

00:47:17.000 Malachi.

00:47:18.000 Malachi? 0.87

00:47:19.000 Yeah.

00:47:19.000 That is ballsy.

00:47:21.000 Wait a minute.

00:47:22.000 That's not his real name.

00:47:23.000 Malachi Love Robinson?

00:47:25.000 Why not?

00:47:26.000 Maybe. 0.99

00:47:26.000 That sounds like a character from some sort of porno. 0.99

00:47:30.000 There he is. 0.97

00:47:31.000 Dr. Malachi A. Love Robinson.

00:47:33.000 Who's going to believe that?

00:47:33.000 PhD.

00:47:35.000 HHP-C. AMP-C. HPV-HIV. What are all those things?

00:47:40.000 What are all those other things that he has?

00:47:42.000 Healthcare proxy maybe? 0.99

00:47:43.000 Some bullshit? 1.00

00:47:44.000 AMP? I don't know what the hell. 1.00

00:47:46.000 That sounds like a gas station in Kansas. 0.83

00:47:48.000 Let's read his thing.

00:47:50.000 Dr. Malachi A. Love Robinson is a well-rounded professional that treats and cares for patients using a system of practice that bases treatment on physiological functions and abnormal conditions on natural laws governing the human body.

00:48:06.000 That's a run-on nonsense sentence.

00:48:09.000 But there's two A's.

00:48:10.000 You missed it.

00:48:10.000 Hold on a second.

00:48:12.000 Dr. Love Robinson utilizes physiological, psychological and mechanical methods such as air, water, light, heat, earth, phototherapy, food and herb therapy, psychotherapy, electrotherapy, physiotherapy,

00:48:28.000 mechanotherapy, naturopath, corrections and manipulation and natural methods or modalities together with natural medicines, natural processed foods and herbs and nature's remedies.

00:48:40.000 I don't know what you just said.

00:48:41.000 The only thing that was true about that was manipulation.

00:48:44.000 But how was this guy, like, who read that and went, alright, we're in.

00:48:50.000 Yeah, who read that and was like, I need to make an appointment immediately.

00:48:53.000 We found the real doctor.

00:48:54.000 Even that photo. 0.99

00:48:55.000 All these other bullshit doctors that don't use manipulation. 1.00

00:48:58.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:48:59.000 What doctor goes like this in a photo?

00:49:01.000 All of them now.

00:49:03.000 Imagine if that became the new thing.

00:49:05.000 Go to that doctor.

00:49:06.000 Huh?

00:49:07.000 He had offices, so someone had to rent him the spot.

00:49:10.000 So they believed him too, not just the patients.

00:49:13.000 He had multiple offices?

00:49:14.000 He at least had an office, a office, like an office.

00:49:17.000 You gotta think, a guy who's that good of a bullshitter that pretends to be a doctor, actually gets patients, has got a stethoscope, got a website.

00:49:24.000 Is it that good?

00:49:26.000 But it's good enough that he's got patients.

00:49:28.000 It actually worked.

00:49:30.000 Imagine being so crazy that you tell everybody you're a doctor. 0.99

00:49:34.000 You don't know shit about medical practices. 0.99

00:49:37.000 You read his little bio there. 0.99

00:49:39.000 And you get offices.

00:49:40.000 Then you get patients.

00:49:41.000 You're treating patients.

00:49:42.000 It's the same as religion. 0.91

00:49:45.000 It's a similar approach.

00:49:47.000 You just find people who need something and they're gullible and they're vulnerable and they'll follow you anywhere.

00:49:52.000 Or religion is either that or it's a part of your culture.

00:49:56.000 Yeah, right.

00:49:57.000 You're born into it.

00:49:57.000 Absolutely.

00:49:58.000 It's a cultural thing for sure.

00:49:59.000 It's when you hear about a 45-year-old dude becoming a Mormon. 0.56

00:50:03.000 You're like, hmm.

00:50:03.000 You're like, what happened?

00:50:05.000 What are you doing?

00:50:06.000 You're lost. 1.00

00:50:07.000 Maybe just have a great group of people that are also Mormons and you're like, fuck it, I'll join. 1.00

00:50:12.000 I guess that would happen. 0.99

00:50:13.000 Maybe even with Scientology, that's what happens with people.

00:50:16.000 Especially in Hollywood, they just get so desensitized.

00:50:18.000 They get everything they want and they're looking for more.

00:50:21.000 I need purpose.

00:50:22.000 If I was jaded, I would say that they think they're going to enhance their career.

00:50:25.000 You think so?

00:50:26.000 I used to think that.

00:50:28.000 Because there was at least a lot of people in the film industry that were Scientologists.

00:50:33.000 Right.

00:50:33.000 Have you ever gone to a meeting?

00:50:34.000 No.

00:50:35.000 But I did go to one of those...

00:50:36.000 They had a conference table, a folding table set up in San Diego.

00:50:42.000 And they had the two coffee cans with the strings on them that you hold on to.

00:50:47.000 Oh, God.

00:50:48.000 And they ask you questions about your childhood and weird stuff.

00:50:51.000 And you say it into the coffee can?

00:50:52.000 No, you hold these things.

00:50:54.000 It's called a...

00:50:55.000 It's called...

00:50:56.000 What's it called?

00:50:56.000 An e-meter?

00:50:57.000 I snorted so loud.

00:50:59.000 It's called an e-meter. 0.99

00:51:00.000 You hold on to it, and it gives you some sort of a reading on this fucking graph. 0.99

00:51:07.000 It's totally non-scientific. 1.00

00:51:08.000 It's horse shit. 1.00

00:51:09.000 Right. 1.00

00:51:09.000 But, you know, the guy who was... 1.00

00:51:11.000 It was really interesting, because the guy who was doing it must be just like some regular dude who's in the church that they make do it.

00:51:19.000 It's not like he wants to do it.

00:51:20.000 Nobody wants to do that.

00:51:21.000 But you could tell.

00:51:22.000 He was like a volunteer, because he was like, yeah, maybe you have a problem with your dad or something.

00:51:26.000 I don't know.

00:51:28.000 He wasn't really selling it at all.

00:51:31.000 So basically how I am as a doctor?

00:51:32.000 Right.

00:51:33.000 Is what you was?

00:51:34.000 That's how he was.

00:51:34.000 Selling the Scientology?

00:51:36.000 Yeah, as a Scientology pusher.

00:51:37.000 I want to go to a meeting just to see what it's like.

00:51:39.000 Just out of curiosity.

00:51:40.000 Just to be in there, you know, in that moment and see what the hype is about.

00:51:44.000 Well, there's a lot of money, right?

00:51:47.000 You have to think that they're massive real estate holders.

00:51:50.000 They've earned millions and millions of dollars.

00:51:51.000 And they have tax-free exempt status.

00:51:55.000 Because it's a religion?

00:51:56.000 Yeah.

00:51:56.000 Tax exempt.

00:51:57.000 That's some bullshit. 1.00

00:51:58.000 They don't have to pay taxes. 1.00

00:51:59.000 Oh, it's crazy.

00:51:59.000 They sued and won it.

00:52:01.000 Yeah, they sued the IRS. See, this is the problem where on one side of the coin, people are good manipulators.

00:52:07.000 On the other side, people are idiotic to believe and deal with half of the shit that they believe and deal with. 0.99

00:52:15.000 See, I think there are a bunch of different things at once. 1.00

00:52:19.000 There's the wacky beliefs that L. Ron Hubbard, all that stuff that he created, but then there's also the Klan.

00:52:24.000 Like the mentality, like being a part of a Klan?

00:52:27.000 Right, the tribal mentality.

00:52:29.000 Absolutely.

00:52:29.000 It's funny that the Ku Klux Klan, they kind of stole the word Klan.

00:52:33.000 Right.

00:52:34.000 You say it, you get self-conscious.

00:52:36.000 It's the correct word for a tribe of people.

00:52:39.000 Right, and it's not reserved for just a group of white supremacists.

00:52:43.000 I mean, it definitely indicates a whole bunch of groups of people.

00:52:47.000 I used to play Quake competitively.

00:52:50.000 If you tell people how Quake teams are, that they're clans, they're Quake clans, people are like, what?

00:52:54.000 And then they were like, you mean like the KKK? No!

00:52:57.000 No, just a group of people. 1.00

00:52:59.000 No, like Quake, you fucking idiot. 1.00

00:53:00.000 With a common mentality, that's it. 1.00

00:53:02.000 A group, a band of people.

00:53:04.000 A band, yeah, brothers.

00:53:06.000 But that happens.

00:53:07.000 People just take over something and then that something becomes negative from then on.

00:53:10.000 Well, then they have a platform as well.

00:53:12.000 Then they're like social justice warriors about it. 0.99

00:53:16.000 They're cheering it from the rooftops and making tweets about it and how it's a fucked up situation. 0.98

00:53:22.000 Are they really? 0.97

00:53:23.000 I don't think anybody's doing that.

00:53:24.000 If you were to say any word, people are like, oh my god, this person said this.

00:53:29.000 It's racist.

00:53:31.000 It's like, I was just saying Klan. 0.93

00:53:33.000 I wasn't saying anything else.

00:53:34.000 But it's like the Hitler mustache. 0.80

00:53:35.000 You just gotta let it go.

00:53:38.000 It's too tricky.

00:53:40.000 It is!

00:53:41.000 If you get caught up in it...

00:53:42.000 Anybody who wants to wear the Hitler mustache now, like, you can't. 0.64

00:53:44.000 What, really?

00:53:45.000 You can't.

00:53:46.000 Who wants to wear it? 0.97

00:53:48.000 Is somebody wearing it?

00:53:48.000 Michael Jordan wore it for a while.

00:53:50.000 That's right, he did.

00:53:51.000 That's right, he did.

00:53:52.000 Oh my god, he did playing basketball.

00:53:53.000 That's kind of fun.

00:53:54.000 I don't know if he was playing basketball.

00:53:55.000 He wasn't?

00:53:56.000 Yes.

00:53:57.000 He was retired?

00:53:58.000 Like a Hanes commercial or something, I think.

00:53:59.000 Oh my. 1.00

00:54:01.000 Yeah, he had a goddamn Hitler. 1.00

00:54:03.000 That's brazen. 1.00

00:54:04.000 You can't even...

00:54:04.000 Like, when does it become a Charlie Chaplin?

00:54:07.000 It starts as a Hitler. 0.93

00:54:08.000 Like, when it gets to the outer edge of the nostrils, is it a Charlie Chaplin?

00:54:11.000 Well, Charlie Chaplin had a Hitler. 0.95

00:54:13.000 He modeled it after Hitler. 0.80

00:54:17.000 Did he?

00:54:17.000 Yeah, Hitler was a huge fan of Chaplin.

00:54:19.000 Absolutely.

00:54:20.000 There's some crossover there.

00:54:22.000 You mean Chaplin was a huge fan of Hitler?

00:54:24.000 Hitler was a fan of Chaplin. 0.69

00:54:26.000 Right.

00:54:26.000 And Chaplin just kind of, you know, because Chaplin was a little bit of a rebel, man.

00:54:31.000 So why did Chaplin wear his mustache?

00:54:32.000 I think it's like a little tongue-in-cheek.

00:54:34.000 How Michael Jordan's Hitler mustache boosted sales at Hanes. 0.87

00:54:39.000 Let me see that photo.

00:54:40.000 Wow.

00:54:41.000 Make that larger.

00:54:42.000 Dude, that is so crazy.

00:54:44.000 That is so crazy.

00:54:47.000 That is wild.

00:54:48.000 Even he had to give it up. 0.99

00:54:50.000 Even Michael motherfucking Jordan had to give it up. 0.96

00:54:55.000 Jordan camouflages the mustaches to a small extent with a corresponding soul patch under his bottom lip, but the lip beard appears to be exactly that. 0.98

00:55:04.000 A beard trying to disguise the Teutonic neighbor upstairs. 0.95

00:55:08.000 What a great sentence.

00:55:09.000 Yeah, that's a great sentence.

00:55:10.000 That's a great sentence.

00:55:11.000 It's Teutonic neighbor. 0.83

00:55:12.000 Teutonic neighbor.

00:55:13.000 That's really good.

00:55:13.000 I don't even know what Teutonic means.

00:55:14.000 Do you know what Teutonic means?

00:55:15.000 I've never used that word.

00:55:16.000 It's capitalized.

00:55:17.000 Hit it. 0.97

00:55:18.000 Hit it. 0.99

00:55:18.000 Maybe like a... 0.99

00:55:19.000 Probably because it's not a real word. 1.00

00:55:21.000 A motherfucker thinks it's a name. 0.99

00:55:22.000 It has to do with war or something? 1.00

00:55:23.000 Like some...

00:55:24.000 Okay, let's see what it says.

00:55:26.000 Relating to the Teutones.

00:55:27.000 Relating to the Teutones, denoting Germanic branch of the Indo-European language family.

00:55:32.000 I hate when that's the definition.

00:55:33.000 You're like, what's Teutonic?

00:55:35.000 So go back to that.

00:55:36.000 Go back to that statement again.

00:55:40.000 Back to the statement?

00:55:41.000 Oh.

00:55:42.000 That we're just reading from?

00:55:44.000 Yeah.

00:55:44.000 Okay.

00:55:45.000 It says, a beard trying to disguise its Teutonic neighbor upstairs. 0.90

00:55:48.000 How is that?

00:55:49.000 So maybe those people wore those stashes?

00:55:51.000 Maybe Hitler got it from those people? 0.98

00:55:52.000 No, it's because it's Germanic.

00:55:53.000 Right.

00:55:54.000 Yeah.

00:55:54.000 But like, who's the...

00:55:55.000 Denoting a German... 0.88

00:55:56.000 Maybe it was a Germanic mustache. 0.99

00:55:58.000 Yeah, maybe it was a la mode of the times.

00:56:00.000 Yeah.

00:56:01.000 I mean, maybe a bunch of people had Hitler's.

00:56:02.000 Kind of like how there's full beards now.

00:56:04.000 Is a full beard the Hitler of our society? 0.90

00:56:07.000 Just like a common beard?

00:56:09.000 I don't think so.

00:56:10.000 Can you imagine if somebody rolled around with a Hitler stash today? 0.93

00:56:14.000 That'd be really wild.

00:56:15.000 You can't.

00:56:16.000 You can't.

00:56:16.000 That's too much, right?

00:56:18.000 Yeah, but here's what's weird.

00:56:19.000 I've talked about this on stage too.

00:56:21.000 Why is it okay to dress like Genghis Khan?

00:56:24.000 Who's dressing like Genghis Khan?

00:56:26.000 If you want to do it for Halloween.

00:56:28.000 Why is it okay?

00:56:29.000 Yeah.

00:56:30.000 What do you mean?

00:56:30.000 Like, it shouldn't be okay?

00:56:31.000 Well, you can't be a Nazi.

00:56:33.000 You can't be Hitler.

00:56:34.000 Yeah, that's...

00:56:35.000 I mean, that's just...

00:56:35.000 People won't let you.

00:56:36.000 Well, it's also kind of lacking creativity.

00:56:39.000 Like, you want to be a Hitler?

00:56:40.000 It's like dressing up like a sexy baby.

00:56:41.000 Are we really doing this?

00:56:42.000 Is this necessary?

00:56:43.000 A lot of people are doing that.

00:56:44.000 No one needs to see sexy babies. 1.00

00:56:46.000 No one needs to see a Hitler. 0.95

00:56:47.000 Well, slow your roll, because some girls should definitely dress like a sexy baby. 1.00

00:56:52.000 Okay, so girls can dress like sexy babies, but I can't dress like a baby and open up packages on YouTube? 1.00

00:56:58.000 You could dress like a baby and open up packages on YouTube. 0.65

00:57:00.000 No one's stopping you.

00:57:02.000 You're fighting these invisible foes.

00:57:04.000 Because you just said that it would be cute, and now, before it wasn't, when I wanted to do it.

00:57:08.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

00:57:10.000 I didn't think you were serious.

00:57:12.000 I wasn't.

00:57:13.000 No, I wasn't serious.

00:57:14.000 Cut to this afterwards, and it's just ten videos of me opening up packages of toys.

00:57:19.000 Just cereal.

00:57:21.000 Yeah.

00:57:21.000 In your underwear.

00:57:22.000 In my underwear, yeah. 1.00

00:57:23.000 With your feet, fucked up toenails. 1.00

00:57:26.000 With my terrible, terrible chipped toenails. 1.00

00:57:29.000 Yeah, it's amazing how many people have created a career just reviewing stuff on YouTube.

00:57:35.000 Like those tech review guys.

00:57:37.000 They make a shitload of money.

00:57:38.000 They don't even have to have degrees in electronics or in engineering or anything.

00:57:43.000 They just have to have a love of tech.

00:57:45.000 Like our friend Unbox Therapy, first of all, Lewis.

00:57:49.000 Think about how many views those videos get.

00:57:52.000 His videos?

00:57:53.000 Yeah.

00:57:53.000 He's one of the top ones, but there's...

00:57:55.000 Marcus Brownlee, who's also been on here.

00:57:57.000 There's 50 guys on there, at least, that are doing it.

00:57:59.000 Austin, not Duncan.

00:58:01.000 Yeah, it's...

00:58:02.000 It's weird.

00:58:03.000 As a viewer, to watch somebody else open gifts, that's like the worst part of Christmas morning, watching other people open gifts.

00:58:10.000 You're like, where the hell are my toys?

00:58:11.000 People get really into it.

00:58:13.000 They do.

00:58:14.000 It's bizarre.

00:58:14.000 Don't you think it's bizarre?

00:58:15.000 Flossie Carter's my favorite.

00:58:17.000 There's a thing that's going around.

00:58:19.000 Do you know who he is?

00:58:19.000 Yeah.

00:58:19.000 He's a jacked black eye.

00:58:21.000 He looks like a power lifter.

00:58:23.000 Yeah.

00:58:24.000 With tattoos on his hands.

00:58:25.000 Nice.

00:58:26.000 Like full out.

00:58:27.000 Yeah.

00:58:27.000 Right?

00:58:28.000 And he uses technical terms mixed in with slang.

00:58:36.000 And he has a cat.

00:58:37.000 He's got a cool little cat that's always in the videos hanging out.

00:58:41.000 And he's an unboxer?

00:58:42.000 Yeah, he's a super knowledgeable guy.

00:58:44.000 Yeah.

00:58:44.000 When he's talking about the different details and what the camera's doing, but he does it in a funny way.

00:58:51.000 Right.

00:58:51.000 He's very funny.

00:58:52.000 Yeah.

00:58:53.000 It's also knowledgeable. 0.81

00:58:56.000 So if you're a dork like me and you're into phone technology, I'm really into phone technology. 0.88

00:59:01.000 I'm always fascinated by innovations in phone technology because it's like I'm watching someone build a bomb. 0.99

00:59:06.000 I'm standing back like, where the fuck are they going next? 0.98

00:59:09.000 Where is this going next? 0.99

00:59:10.000 This is ruining us now.

00:59:11.000 They want to make them faster and better and more...

00:59:13.000 Is he all hands too?

00:59:14.000 Yep.

00:59:15.000 He's all hands?

00:59:16.000 Yeah, it's just his hands on the...

00:59:17.000 So this is Flossie Carter.

00:59:18.000 Shout out to Flossie. 0.99

00:59:20.000 As far as the feel, lightweight, super comfortable.

00:59:23.000 You can easily wear these all day.

00:59:25.000 And for the look, this is what they're going to look like when you're wearing them.

00:59:29.000 Neck tattoo. 0.98

00:59:30.000 Pretty fucking silly, but some people like him, some people don't. 0.99

00:59:33.000 These really ain't my cup of tea. 1.00

00:59:36.000 He's got big hands.

00:59:37.000 He's got manly hands.

00:59:39.000 There's pictures of him on his Instagram. 0.96

00:59:40.000 He's jacked.

00:59:41.000 He lifts weights.

00:59:42.000 He's huge.

00:59:43.000 What's his background?

00:59:44.000 I don't know.

00:59:45.000 That's wild.

00:59:46.000 Look at that.

00:59:46.000 2,753,495 views were his top 10 truly wireless earphones.

00:59:54.000 He's got a huge following, but it's because of that.

00:59:56.000 Because he knows what he's talking about, but then on top of knowing what he talks about, he's kind of fun to listen to.

01:00:00.000 Yeah, his voice is interesting.

01:00:02.000 His voice takes up a whole room.

01:00:04.000 Yeah, his voice is full.

01:00:06.000 It's a powerful voice.

01:00:06.000 He should do a TED Talk.

01:00:08.000 There's so many of those fellas out there that are carving their own niche and gals, reviewing things, talking about things. 0.98

01:00:14.000 There's so many different people doing shit like that now. 0.94

01:00:17.000 It's interesting. 0.96

01:00:18.000 I guess it makes sense because there's such a huge space for the techie nerds to indulge in that stuff and become fans of that sort of...

01:00:24.000 Well, also, no one would have ever made that a television show.

01:00:27.000 And if it was a television show, people might not have watched it.

01:00:30.000 Yeah.

01:00:30.000 It's easier on YouTube where you can just...

01:00:33.000 Click it at your leisure.

01:00:34.000 That's the beautiful thing about the on-demand.

01:00:36.000 It was Tech TV, though, which is gone, so it sort of just replaced whatever...

01:00:40.000 Yeah, but Tech TV was never this in-depth.

01:00:43.000 They would go...

01:00:44.000 They would gloss over things.

01:00:47.000 They would have a synopsis of...

01:00:49.000 It was still TV. They still had commercials, I guess.

01:00:52.000 They did everything like a television show.

01:00:54.000 It was great.

01:00:55.000 I loved Remote Control.

01:00:56.000 I mean, not Remote Control.

01:00:58.000 What was it called?

01:00:59.000 Screen Savers.

01:01:00.000 Remote Control was the MTV show.

01:01:01.000 I was just going to say, I thought that was an MTV. Jenny McCarthy and Chris Hardwick.

01:01:05.000 Chris Hardwick.

01:01:07.000 Yeah, he had a couple extra LBs on him.

01:01:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:10.000 And he had a soul patch then as well.

01:01:11.000 Did he?

01:01:12.000 Yeah, he had like a downstairs Hitler. 0.88

01:01:14.000 Hitler in the basement is what that is.

01:01:15.000 You're allowed to have a Hitler in the basement. 0.96

01:01:16.000 Yeah, you can have Hitler in the basement, just not in the attic. 0.80

01:01:18.000 It's too close.

01:01:19.000 But isn't it weird, though, that, I mean, not saying that anybody wants to dress like a Nazi, I don't want to just...

01:01:24.000 Some people do.

01:01:25.000 I have to say that.

01:01:26.000 I have to say that.

01:01:27.000 But if you dressed like a murderer from the past, like Genghis Khan or something like that, you actually would get in trouble now for cultural appropriation.

01:01:38.000 You know where you wouldn't get in trouble?

01:01:39.000 Is at the Renaissance Fair.

01:01:41.000 When they have like Heroes and Villains Day.

01:01:44.000 Depends on what you're doing with your eyes.

01:01:45.000 Go do it there.

01:01:46.000 If you've got some squinty eye thing going on with tape.

01:01:49.000 Oh, God!

01:01:50.000 Too far!

01:01:51.000 You've taken it too far.

01:01:53.000 But why is it weird that a physical characteristic like eyes, like small eyes, is offensive to discuss?

01:02:00.000 Isn't that fascinating?

01:02:01.000 It is fascinating, but I... Or to recreate.

01:02:03.000 I think...

01:02:04.000 Is it offensive or is it people enjoy the feeling of being offended?

01:02:09.000 I think there's a sweet spot in the middle there.

01:02:11.000 I would beg to differ that some of the people in society who are offended by words, terms, sentences aren't necessarily truly offended as much as they want to say they're offended.

01:02:22.000 I am 100% on board with you, Ms. Peluso.

01:02:25.000 So...

01:02:26.000 Dr. Peluso.

01:02:27.000 Sorry.

01:02:27.000 Thank you, Dr. Peluso.

01:02:29.000 I have a HPV, HD, PHI, ABD. I can't...

01:02:36.000 I mean, people get offended.

01:02:37.000 It's exhausting.

01:02:37.000 People love getting offended.

01:02:38.000 They love it.

01:02:39.000 It's fun.

01:02:39.000 They love getting offended.

01:02:40.000 And you know what they also love doing? 0.98

01:02:42.000 Not doing shit about it. 0.97

01:02:44.000 But, in their defense... 1.00

01:02:47.000 If you see, like, a movie where a dude is playing an Asian man, but he's a white dude and they do some malarkey with his eyes, you're like, motherfucker! 1.00

01:02:59.000 He said malarkey with his eyes! 1.00

01:03:01.000 What, did he turn him into a leprechaun?

01:03:04.000 Something Irish with his eyes? 1.00

01:03:05.000 Some, like, Charlie Chan type shit. 1.00

01:03:06.000 Oh, they did some malarkey with his eyes? 1.00

01:03:07.000 You ever seen, ah, the fucking malarkey! 1.00

01:03:08.000 The fucking old fucker! 1.00

01:03:09.000 They used that special effects malarkey and changed him into a Chinaman. 1.00

01:03:14.000 Oh, that goddamn leprechaun, that fucker! 1.00

01:03:17.000 You could be an Englishman. 1.00

01:03:18.000 No one has a problem with calling someone an Englishman, but you call someone a Chinaman and they'll go, whoa, you're getting weird there. 0.99

01:03:23.000 It's exhausting when people are offended.

01:03:27.000 It's like girls being offended and writing articles about guys that are doing Me Too moments, but they're not going to the rallies.

01:03:34.000 They're not involved in the community.

01:03:36.000 They're not really moving the needle.

01:03:39.000 They're just screaming.

01:03:40.000 Is it good to go to rallies?

01:03:41.000 I think it's good to be also actively and physically involved in whatever movement you believe in.

01:03:46.000 I think just saying it and posting it on Twitter is a facade.

01:03:50.000 But it's good for likes.

01:03:51.000 You can get a lot of likes.

01:03:52.000 Boom.

01:03:54.000 I mean, I guess there's some eyeballs on it.

01:03:55.000 You're creating a conversation, but I don't know.

01:03:58.000 I just believe in walking the talk a little bit more. 0.99

01:04:02.000 What the fuck were we just talking about? 0.99

01:04:04.000 Genghis Khan. 1.00

01:04:06.000 Oh, Chinese actors that get fucked out of roles by white people. 0.99

01:04:11.000 They don't do that anymore, but they used to. 0.99

01:04:13.000 And one of the big ones was Charlie Chan.

01:04:16.000 Charlie Chan was like a famous detective show.

01:04:20.000 Remember that show?

01:04:20.000 Was it casted as a white man?

01:04:23.000 It was a white dude playing a Chinese detective that was like super wise detective.

01:04:28.000 That's busted.

01:04:29.000 But he looks like a white guy who eats good.

01:04:33.000 Like Matlock?

01:04:35.000 More like...

01:04:36.000 Like the commish?

01:04:38.000 No, like...

01:04:38.000 That's right there.

01:04:40.000 Oh my...

01:04:42.000 Holy hell!

01:04:43.000 Yeah, that was Charlie Chan.

01:04:44.000 I'm offended.

01:04:45.000 Yeah, you should be.

01:04:46.000 He looks more like... 0.99

01:04:48.000 He looks like a shitty magician. 0.99

01:04:49.000 He looks like Chewy from the comedy store. 0.98

01:04:52.000 You guys don't remember Chewy.

01:04:54.000 That is offensive.

01:04:56.000 The same thing happened with...

01:04:57.000 Let me see that picture.

01:04:58.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:04:59.000 That shit is ridiculous. 1.00

01:05:01.000 I can't. 1.00

01:05:01.000 What is happening there? 1.00

01:05:02.000 He looks like he runs a casino in upstate New York.

01:05:04.000 And you ever hear him talk?

01:05:06.000 Can we play some of those?

01:05:07.000 I need to hear it.

01:05:08.000 Some Charlie Chan?

01:05:09.000 It was very offensive.

01:05:11.000 Mm-hmm.

01:05:11.000 Oh my god.

01:05:13.000 Dun dun dun.

01:05:15.000 Let's listen to some Charlie.

01:05:16.000 I'm shook right now.

01:05:17.000 What's that Jamie?

01:05:19.000 The same thing happened.

01:05:21.000 What year do you think this was?

01:05:23.000 1945 it says.

01:05:24.000 Yeah I was going to say 50s.

01:05:26.000 Scarlett Johansson had that whole issue. 1.00

01:05:28.000 Remember she was cast in that movie and it was supposed to be an Asian role?

01:05:30.000 Yeah.

01:05:31.000 And people went crazy over it?

01:05:32.000 And she bailed.

01:05:33.000 She bailed.

01:05:34.000 Let's hear some of this.

01:05:36.000 Here we go.

01:05:37.000 I can't.

01:05:53.000 The music.

01:05:56.000 Look at his face.

01:06:01.000 He doesn't even look remotely Asian. 0.99

01:06:03.000 Yo, they taped his eyes, for sure.

01:06:05.000 They did some weirdness.

01:06:07.000 But not much, because...

01:06:09.000 He looks like every housewife in Bev Hills. 0.93

01:06:11.000 Minus the facial hair.

01:06:13.000 The pulled back face?

01:06:14.000 Yeah, where you're like, take off 10 years.

01:06:17.000 But back then, you know, this guy could get away with that.

01:06:20.000 You know, what's his face?

01:06:23.000 John Wayne.

01:06:23.000 Who's the lady in the saran wrap?

01:06:25.000 She's a ghost or some shit. 1.00

01:06:26.000 Dude. 1.00

01:06:27.000 What's happening to her?

01:06:28.000 That is bizarre.

01:06:29.000 I don't even know if they had saran wrap back then.

01:06:31.000 That could be just jizz. 1.00

01:06:33.000 Oh shit! 1.00

01:06:34.000 A bubble of jizz around her face. 1.00

01:06:35.000 Is that what you would do to wrap up food?

01:06:37.000 You'd have to jizz on things.

01:06:38.000 Spooge it and take it home after the party?

01:06:40.000 Just blow it up like a balloon.

01:06:41.000 Put your food inside of it.

01:06:44.000 The new jizz!

01:06:45.000 Food saver! 1.00

01:06:45.000 What's up with her fucking face? 1.00

01:06:46.000 What is that shit? 1.00

01:06:48.000 Dude. 1.00

01:06:48.000 She's wearing like a glass veil or something? 1.00

01:06:50.000 Is that Shia LaBeouf?

01:06:51.000 Pfft.

01:06:52.000 Is that Louis Gomez and Shia LaBeouf?

01:06:54.000 They're time travelers.

01:06:56.000 This is, I mean, isn't it great to live in this time where our movies are so much better? 0.99

01:07:00.000 But we're going to laugh in the future looking back at how stupid things are today. 0.99

01:07:04.000 You just can't see it coming. 1.00

01:07:05.000 No, you can't.

01:07:06.000 Look at that guy.

01:07:07.000 That's a cool chair.

01:07:08.000 What is that, dude?

01:07:09.000 Is that another Chinese guy?

01:07:11.000 That dude is serious.

01:07:11.000 That's not really a Chinese guy?

01:07:12.000 I think he's got some terrible face makeup I think added to him.

01:07:15.000 I think.

01:07:16.000 That looks like Joey Diaz on acid.

01:07:19.000 Look at that.

01:07:20.000 With that head wrap.

01:07:21.000 That's fancy.

01:07:21.000 That looks like Tate.

01:07:22.000 It does look like Tate.

01:07:23.000 A regal Tate.

01:07:24.000 Like an older Tate on acid.

01:07:27.000 Yeah, a Tate on acid.

01:07:29.000 Real angry.

01:07:30.000 Ruling a kingdom after a couple divorces.

01:07:32.000 Yeah, he's like an 80-year-old Tate.

01:07:33.000 Yeah, that's offensive.

01:07:36.000 Well, that's what they used to do.

01:07:37.000 But look up John Wayne as Genghis Khan. 0.99

01:07:40.000 That's even dumber. 0.99

01:07:40.000 Oh, man. 0.99

01:07:41.000 They didn't even change anything, including the way he talked.

01:07:44.000 He talked like John Wayne. 0.99

01:07:46.000 We're gonna go out there and we're gonna fuck up these Russians. 1.00

01:07:51.000 He talked literally like John Wayne, but he was dressed with like a fur fucking hat on. 1.00

01:07:57.000 Oh, that made me cry laugh. 1.00

01:07:58.000 Oh my god, that's so dumb. 1.00

01:08:00.000 Oh my god, you gotta see it. 1.00

01:08:01.000 You gotta see it.

01:08:02.000 How when they made that movie were they like, this is it?

01:08:05.000 This is it.

01:08:06.000 They didn't know. 0.99

01:08:08.000 Everything sucked. 0.99

01:08:09.000 I mean, everything did kind of suck. 0.99

01:08:11.000 For sure.

01:08:11.000 There's only a few, like, Gone with the Wind.

01:08:13.000 Like, whoa, what did they do there?

01:08:14.000 There's like a few movies.

01:08:16.000 I know.

01:08:16.000 You know, Citizen Kane.

01:08:18.000 Like, whoa.

01:08:19.000 You're like, wow.

01:08:19.000 This one doesn't suck.

01:08:20.000 Yeah, this is impressive.

01:08:22.000 I got lost in the film.

01:08:23.000 Look it up.

01:08:23.000 There I am.

01:08:25.000 Genghis Khan.

01:08:26.000 I mean, the likeness is a little...

01:08:28.000 Amazing.

01:08:28.000 That's who he is.

01:08:30.000 Wow.

01:08:30.000 Can you imagine?

01:08:31.000 Look at that beard. 1.00

01:08:32.000 He went from playing like a fucking sheriff in some wild west town to Genghis Khan. 1.00

01:08:37.000 Hollywood was so whitewashed. 1.00

01:08:40.000 It really, really was.

01:08:42.000 Well, they knew back then if they did a John Wayne movie, they would sell a million tickets.

01:08:47.000 That's really what the thing is.

01:08:50.000 I mean, an aspect of that is still going on.

01:08:51.000 It'll always go on.

01:08:53.000 For sure.

01:08:53.000 And I sort of, I don't know if you feel the same way, I get it to a certain point.

01:08:57.000 Like when you go out in the comedy clubs and there's like a YouTube influencer booked on a weekend, you're just like, ah, fuck. 0.94

01:09:03.000 But then you're like, well, I kind of get it from a business standpoint. 0.99

01:09:06.000 If they're filling the rooms.

01:09:07.000 I did a gig in Arizona once and they had a daytime gig booked from a YouTube influencer.

01:09:12.000 They packed this place out at 11 a.m.

01:09:15.000 with like 12-year-old kids as fans.

01:09:17.000 Was his name Burt Kreischer?

01:09:19.000 Yes, it was.

01:09:20.000 It was the Burt Kreischer day show.

01:09:23.000 He didn't take his whole shirt off.

01:09:24.000 It was a crop top.

01:09:25.000 You are a halter.

01:09:27.000 Bert does those day shows.

01:09:29.000 He does.

01:09:29.000 He'll do radio and then he'll do a show at like noon for people that don't have jobs.

01:09:33.000 Yeah, it's like work, calling sick to work or something.

01:09:36.000 What does he call it?

01:09:37.000 Something like that.

01:09:37.000 Something like that, yeah.

01:09:38.000 Calling sick to work day.

01:09:39.000 Yeah.

01:09:40.000 He took his shirt off at the Kings game.

01:09:41.000 God, this is so funny.

01:09:43.000 That lady didn't know what to do. 1.00

01:09:44.000 He's looking slim.

01:09:45.000 Yeah, that is slim for Bert.

01:09:46.000 That's only like 19 months pregnant. 0.60

01:09:49.000 Yeah, that's a protrusion.

01:09:50.000 And it's hard.

01:09:51.000 He's got an eight-year-old living in his body.

01:09:53.000 He's got an eight-year-old inside of him.

01:09:54.000 He has to take his shirt.

01:09:55.000 He takes his shirt off in the OR now.

01:09:58.000 Every time?

01:09:59.000 Yeah, he used to take his shirt off only in the main room.

01:10:01.000 He's like, well, the OR, keep my shirt on.

01:10:03.000 Now he decided no more of that.

01:10:06.000 Does it come off every show?

01:10:08.000 Every set.

01:10:08.000 Right when he gets on stage, he takes his shirt off.

01:10:10.000 When does he decide when that happens, I wonder?

01:10:12.000 Immediately.

01:10:13.000 Is there a moment?

01:10:13.000 Just right out.

01:10:14.000 That's how you do it.

01:10:15.000 Pre-mic grab or grabs a mic?

01:10:17.000 Well...

01:10:19.000 His body is a source of pride.

01:10:22.000 He enjoys the fruits of his labor and his appetite for indulgence.

01:10:30.000 I don't know if it's a body as much as it is a building.

01:10:32.000 It's a body.

01:10:34.000 People know it's his body.

01:10:35.000 They know he's the party animal.

01:10:36.000 He takes his shirt off.

01:10:38.000 And they go, alright, it's Bert. 1.00

01:10:39.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:10:40.000 He's fun. 1.00

01:10:41.000 It is a lot of fun.

01:10:42.000 There's an article that was written about that.

01:10:45.000 I was reading, this guy was talking about how hilarious it was.

01:10:50.000 It's a party.

01:10:51.000 It definitely is a party. 0.99

01:10:52.000 He's an animal. 0.99

01:10:52.000 He is an animal. 0.99

01:10:53.000 And sometimes, you know, I mean, there's the opposite where people are just kind of quiet on stage.

01:10:57.000 If I could get a laugh just by taking off my shirt, I think I'd go for it.

01:11:00.000 Why not?

01:11:01.000 Start off with it.

01:11:02.000 But now the problem is I think Bert owns it, which is weird.

01:11:05.000 You know?

01:11:05.000 Like you think he should have some, like a little bit of a feeling about it?

01:11:10.000 No, like he owns it.

01:11:11.000 Like if you wanted to go up and take your shirt off, people go, what are you, copying Burt?

01:11:17.000 That's a good point.

01:11:19.000 He's the only one doing it.

01:11:20.000 He's the only comic derobing every time.

01:11:23.000 But there's some weird ones like that.

01:11:25.000 Bobby Lee takes his pants off.

01:11:27.000 I mean, I've seen that weenie weenie a few times, winking at me from the green rooms of the comedy store.

01:11:32.000 You should probably not tell people that.

01:11:35.000 If birds stop doing it, people will probably get mad now.

01:11:37.000 They'll get mad.

01:11:37.000 They'll throw things at him.

01:11:38.000 He can't.

01:11:39.000 He can't not do it.

01:11:40.000 They're like, take off the shirt.

01:11:41.000 Dudes will jump on him on stage and tackle him.

01:11:44.000 Yeah.

01:11:45.000 Yeah, but I mean, there's a couple dudes who go clotheless and take off their pants and their shirts. 0.98

01:11:51.000 But it's weird that that's Burt's thing.

01:11:54.000 Yeah, it is weird.

01:11:55.000 You're right, though.

01:11:55.000 If anybody else were to do it, they would know that that was a Burt situation.

01:11:58.000 There was another one like that that we were just talking about the other night at the Comedy Store.

01:12:02.000 Like, how crazy it is that someone took over a thing?

01:12:06.000 Yeah.

01:12:07.000 A stand-up comedian?

01:12:08.000 I think so.

01:12:09.000 It doesn't matter.

01:12:09.000 I'm not going to remember.

01:12:11.000 I'm not going to remember.

01:12:11.000 I want to know what it is.

01:12:13.000 Well, there's a comic in New York.

01:12:15.000 It snaps.

01:12:16.000 It's got like a snap every time.

01:12:18.000 And you know, Frasier Smith, I love watching Frasier Smith when he's like, come on, people, these are jokes.

01:12:22.000 And he like snaps.

01:12:24.000 Snap is funny.

01:12:25.000 It's like a timekeeper.

01:12:27.000 I like that.

01:12:28.000 Right.

01:12:28.000 It keeps you in rhythm.

01:12:29.000 Yeah, it keeps you in rhythm.

01:12:30.000 It's musical up there sometimes if it's going well.

01:12:33.000 If it goes well.

01:12:34.000 It's weird how people can become like a thing.

01:12:37.000 Like, this is the guy who talks about food.

01:12:39.000 I know.

01:12:40.000 I was thinking about that.

01:12:42.000 What comes first in that scenario?

01:12:45.000 Does it naturally evolve or does it happen once and then the person builds around it because it's a crutch?

01:12:51.000 Hmm.

01:12:52.000 There's a fine line between the art and the...

01:12:55.000 Exactly.

01:12:56.000 Yeah.

01:12:57.000 And who, you know, do your thing.

01:12:59.000 Like, it's a short life. 0.96

01:13:00.000 Why not find that little niche that works for you and fucking make that money and have fun and bring some joy to people? 1.00

01:13:05.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

01:13:06.000 I have a problem with people who talk shit about people going after what they're doing and finding a little trick to it. 1.00

01:13:12.000 Who cares? 0.99

01:13:13.000 Is it what everybody's doing?

01:13:14.000 People get angry if they get tricked. 0.98

01:13:16.000 God damn it, I got tricked. 0.98

01:13:16.000 Yeah, that's true. 0.98

01:13:17.000 That's true. 1.00

01:13:18.000 Fucking tricked. 1.00

01:13:19.000 I can't believe this shit, dude. 1.00

01:13:23.000 I remember there was this lady who reviewed video games. 1.00

01:13:26.000 She was talking about video games and they found a video of her from years earlier saying that she doesn't even play video games.

01:13:31.000 They were like, aha!

01:13:33.000 You got me!

01:13:34.000 I knew it!

01:13:35.000 You don't even play video games!

01:13:36.000 I knew it! 1.00

01:13:38.000 You're a liar! 1.00

01:13:38.000 They were using it as evidence. 1.00

01:13:40.000 I was like, this is during that whole Gamergate thing.

01:13:43.000 This is evidence that the world has gone mad.

01:13:45.000 People are arguing over whether or not someone is a real video game player.

01:13:49.000 You're not even a real player, you fake play.

01:13:52.000 People have too much time on their hands, man.

01:13:54.000 Too much time.

01:13:56.000 And they get stuck in that web universe.

01:13:59.000 Well, not just that.

01:14:00.000 Like, yeah, people change.

01:14:01.000 Like, I wasn't playing video games just three months ago. 0.99

01:14:05.000 Now Jamie and Jeff and I, we're playing them every fucking day. 0.98

01:14:08.000 You game now? 0.99

01:14:09.000 We play this Quake game.

01:14:10.000 Oh, that's a video game. 0.97

01:14:13.000 Jamie fucked me up yesterday. 1.00

01:14:14.000 You beat his ass? 1.00

01:14:15.000 Beat me in the last one. 1.00

01:14:16.000 How did that feel?

01:14:17.000 It doesn't feel good. 0.99

01:14:18.000 Are you a good loser? 0.98

01:14:19.000 Yeah, we have fun. 1.00

01:14:20.000 We have fun. 1.00

01:14:20.000 We talk a lot of shit though. 1.00

01:14:21.000 I was just going to say you probably talked a lot of shit to Jamie after you lost. 1.00

01:14:24.000 No. 1.00

01:14:25.000 Did you cry?

01:14:26.000 No. 0.99

01:14:26.000 He did fuck me up on this one map that I was very angry at this map because you keep falling off of it. 0.99

01:14:31.000 It's so whack. 1.00

01:14:32.000 You fall off and you suicide.

01:14:34.000 He did a much better job.

01:14:35.000 But he owned me on the other one, so it evens out.

01:14:38.000 It's good to play video games, to a certain degree.

01:14:41.000 I like that one map that we play on, because when you do go out, you do suicide, but it's not that common. 0.99

01:14:48.000 That other one was just like, every time, and if you're jumping and you don't look behind you, you're like, fuck! 0.99

01:14:55.000 Ah! 1.00

01:14:55.000 You watch yourself fall and explode when you hit the rock. 1.00

01:14:58.000 Yeah.

01:14:59.000 How many times did I explode?

01:15:01.000 How many times did I fall?

01:15:03.000 Some in the range of 30. Not joking.

01:15:06.000 You really are new to it.

01:15:07.000 No, no, no.

01:15:08.000 And here's me falling. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:15:10.000 God damn it! 1.00

01:15:11.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:15:12.000 Not again! 1.00

01:15:12.000 Fuck this map! 1.00

01:15:13.000 Shit! 1.00

01:15:14.000 Fuck this map! 1.00

01:15:14.000 Son of a bitch! 1.00

01:15:15.000 Shit! 1.00

01:15:16.000 Suck! 1.00

01:15:17.000 God damn it! 1.00

01:15:18.000 Fucking suck! 1.00

01:15:18.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:15:19.000 And then Jeff's getting good too. 1.00

01:15:22.000 It's become a problem. 0.98

01:15:23.000 Jeff fucked me up yesterday too. 0.96

01:15:25.000 I think it's good to have, like, I wish I was good at video games. 0.94

01:15:28.000 I'm not that good at it.

01:15:29.000 What do you wish?

01:15:30.000 Why would you want that skill?

01:15:32.000 Because I think it's good, like, the hand-eye coordination and just, like, I don't know, being able to relax and play a game. 0.99

01:15:37.000 I'm going to fly a fucking Chinook. 0.98

01:15:39.000 You want to be them drone pilots in Vegas? 1.00

01:15:41.000 Yeah, I do.

01:15:41.000 So, what do you think about UFOs?

01:15:44.000 100% real.

01:15:45.000 100% real?

01:15:45.000 You ever see one?

01:15:47.000 I did actually see one.

01:15:49.000 Really?

01:15:49.000 I did in New York City.

01:15:51.000 This was years ago.

01:15:52.000 I was walking downtown.

01:15:53.000 I used to bartend at this place called Puffy's Tavern in Tribeca.

01:15:56.000 Walking downtown.

01:15:57.000 Beautiful sunny day.

01:15:58.000 And as I'm crossing the street, I'm just looking at everybody.

01:16:01.000 Everyone's looking up.

01:16:02.000 Like, what are these people looking at?

01:16:03.000 I look up.

01:16:03.000 And there's this like...

01:16:05.000 I don't know.

01:16:06.000 Like a weird...

01:16:09.000 Oval, chrome thing in the sky.

01:16:11.000 Pretty far up, but you could see what it was.

01:16:14.000 And I remember talking to the dude.

01:16:16.000 I'm like, what is that?

01:16:17.000 And he was videotaping.

01:16:17.000 He was like, I don't know.

01:16:18.000 We've all been standing here.

01:16:19.000 It hasn't really moved.

01:16:20.000 It just was kind of suspended in the air.

01:16:23.000 Not a lot of sound at all.

01:16:24.000 And I had to get to work.

01:16:25.000 I'm like, alright, well I gotta go make cowboy cocksuckers for investment bankers, so let me know what happens.

01:16:30.000 And I went to the bar, and it was on the news at the bar.

01:16:32.000 And it was just this weird...

01:16:33.000 It looked like that little bullet vibrator thing.

01:16:37.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:38.000 Or like a little suppository in the sky.

01:16:40.000 It was like a...

01:16:42.000 Like a balloon?

01:16:43.000 Yeah, almost like a balloon, but a little bit more elongated.

01:16:46.000 Very quiet.

01:16:47.000 It was bizarre.

01:16:48.000 Like a blimp?

01:16:50.000 Nah.

01:16:50.000 It sat upright.

01:16:51.000 It was almost like this was oval shaped.

01:16:53.000 Like a can.

01:16:54.000 A soda can floating in the sky.

01:16:56.000 Right, but oval.

01:16:57.000 Right side up.

01:16:58.000 Yep.

01:16:58.000 It was bizarre.

01:16:59.000 But that was like the only real time where I was like, what is that?

01:17:04.000 I remember being a little kid thinking that I might have saw something, but I might have just convinced myself just because I was bored.

01:17:11.000 And also, as your memory recalls, you recreate what it was.

01:17:15.000 Yeah, 100%.

01:17:15.000 But what do you remember?

01:17:17.000 Oh, I don't remember anything, really.

01:17:18.000 Oh, okay.

01:17:18.000 But what I was going to say is I watched this Bob Lazar and Area 51 documentary.

01:17:23.000 Oh, boy. 0.99

01:17:24.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:17:25.000 It's really interesting. 0.98

01:17:27.000 It's a lot more interesting than I thought.

01:17:29.000 I always like to dismiss a lot of the UFO stuff because I'm always like, this is nonsense. 0.86

01:17:33.000 This is so silly.

01:17:34.000 But my friend Dave Foley, who I treasure and I value his opinion very highly...

01:17:41.000 He told me that he started getting obsessed with UFOs.

01:17:44.000 He said thanks to you I'm obsessed with UFOs.

01:17:46.000 I'm like thanks to me I'm not even obsessed with them anymore.

01:17:48.000 You cause a lot of obsessions I'm sure.

01:17:50.000 No but he and I when we used to work together on news radio I was deep in my obsession with UFOs.

01:17:56.000 I was convinced.

01:17:57.000 What kicked it off?

01:17:58.000 Just hearing people's stories?

01:18:00.000 If you only had one experience as a kid...

01:18:02.000 No, I don't even think I really did have an experience.

01:18:04.000 I think I probably saw a jet fly overhead and was like, I think that might be a UFO. And then I talked myself into it.

01:18:08.000 That's weird that you had an obsession not based off of your own experiences.

01:18:12.000 That's bizarre.

01:18:13.000 Yeah, I've always been super, super obsessed with space.

01:18:17.000 I think I had a really good teacher in seventh grade science, and I remember he said, if you really want to make your brain hurt, just look up and try to imagine something that has no end.

01:18:33.000 Try to imagine that the universe has no end.

01:18:35.000 You want to hurt your head?

01:18:37.000 Just look up at the sky and understand there's no end to this.

01:18:40.000 It doesn't make any sense.

01:18:41.000 It doesn't make any sense.

01:18:42.000 Because everything else in life and existence has a finality to it.

01:18:45.000 Every single thing.

01:18:47.000 Yeah, we think. 0.99

01:18:48.000 But this guy, when he planted that shit in my head, I remember thinking, wow, I never even thought of that before. 0.99

01:18:55.000 Like, I just looked at the stars, and I'd be like, oh, there's the stars, they look cool. 0.99

01:18:58.000 Oh, there's the moon.

01:18:59.000 I want to go to the moon. 1.00

01:19:00.000 You know, like a dumb kid. 1.00

01:19:02.000 You don't have the perspective of, like, the vastness of it. 0.99

01:19:05.000 Yeah, but when I was 13, this guy said that.

01:19:08.000 13, maybe 14?

01:19:09.000 No, 12?

01:19:10.000 I guess 12. Somewhere in that range, 7th or 8th grade.

01:19:14.000 You just started, yeah.

01:19:15.000 I remember him saying that to me and then being obsessed with space after that.

01:19:19.000 Obsessed.

01:19:20.000 Like one thing that a teacher said.

01:19:23.000 And I was immediately like, what?

01:19:25.000 Like that was one of the first cool things I ever heard at school.

01:19:29.000 It is cool.

01:19:30.000 Well, he was a cool teacher.

01:19:32.000 He was a Vietnam vet.

01:19:33.000 There was a couple of these guys that were Vietnam vets that were super scary. 1.00

01:19:36.000 They were scary.

01:19:38.000 It's good to have a teacher like that, though.

01:19:40.000 That whole thing, our education system really fails a student sometimes, but I have teachers who invoke curiosity out of children who actually care and have an interesting curriculum that they bring to the table.

01:19:51.000 I only had a couple teachers like that that I can really remember, but...

01:19:54.000 Yeah, I think three.

01:19:56.000 The three teachers that I really remember, they're like, wow, that lady was so nice.

01:19:59.000 Out of your entire schooling.

01:20:01.000 Yeah.

01:20:01.000 Yeah, same.

01:20:02.000 I had a really cool, Miss Lutwin was my first grade teacher, and she'd have us line up outside of her door, and she always had a pop collar.

01:20:08.000 She always smelled good, she always had a pop collar, and when you'd walk in her classroom, if you had a collar, she'd pop it.

01:20:13.000 So everybody sat in class with a popped collar!

01:20:16.000 Ha ha ha!

01:20:19.000 That's hilarious.

01:20:20.000 And it just brought this cool mentality.

01:20:23.000 We felt like we were our own little clan in there.

01:20:26.000 Like the Miss Lutwin clan. 0.71

01:20:26.000 That's what it was like. 0.71

01:20:28.000 When did you know that you wanted to be a comedian?

01:20:30.000 Early, early on, like eight years old.

01:20:32.000 I was young.

01:20:33.000 Yeah, I was entertaining my sister. 0.99

01:20:34.000 No shit. 0.95

01:20:35.000 But I didn't know that I could make a career out of it, because where I grew up, there wasn't those, like, outlets. 0.99

01:20:40.000 You know, we didn't have, like, theater or any sort of cultural exposure that I could, you know, adhere to and just be like, oh, okay, cool, I'm going to be...

01:20:50.000 No gay people, that's what you're trying to say?

01:20:51.000 Exactly, thank you, no gay people. 1.00

01:20:53.000 Well, we did, they were hiding, because they didn't want to be murdered.

01:20:55.000 Yeah.

01:20:57.000 Ha ha ha, LOL. LOL, JK. So, how old were you when you first went on stage?

01:21:04.000 19. Ah.

01:21:05.000 Yeah, I was 19 years old.

01:21:07.000 I thought you had to wait until 21. I didn't realize afterwards that you can get into a bar as a performer to make sure you don't drink.

01:21:16.000 Yeah, there was this cool place called the Cantab Lounge, which is Boston, right?

01:21:21.000 You know all about it.

01:21:23.000 Cambridge area had this bar called the Cantab Lounge, and downstairs there was this little performance space called the Third Rail.

01:21:30.000 And I used to do improv for like six months and then one of the dudes was like, you should try stand-up.

01:21:34.000 You might like it.

01:21:35.000 So this was in Cambridge you were doing this?

01:21:36.000 Yeah.

01:21:37.000 That's where I started stand-up in Boston.

01:21:39.000 What year was this?

01:21:39.000 This was, let's see, I was 19. I'm 36 now.

01:21:42.000 I'm not doing that math.

01:21:43.000 I can't do that math.

01:21:44.000 I thought you would.

01:21:45.000 You're the scientist.

01:21:46.000 I'm the doctor.

01:21:47.000 I don't have time to do math.

01:21:48.000 I have to write prescriptions.

01:21:49.000 I'm too busy with my calculations about the size of the universe.

01:21:51.000 I have to go get my stethoscope.

01:21:52.000 I can't do the math.

01:21:54.000 I think you were 22. That's what it means.

01:21:57.000 I was 19. 19. 19?

01:21:58.000 I don't know what year it was.

01:22:00.000 29?

01:22:01.000 I was going to mean 22 years ago.

01:22:02.000 23 years ago?

01:22:06.000 What?

01:22:06.000 80 years ago?

01:22:07.000 Fuck, you were bad at math just like me. 1.00

01:22:10.000 Well, it was whatever that... 1.00

01:22:10.000 I'm not even counting. 1.00

01:22:11.000 I'm just making numbers up.

01:22:13.000 Whatever it was.

01:22:13.000 So, you're 36 now.

01:22:16.000 Yeah, I was 19. You started stand-up when you were 19. Almost 20 years ago.

01:22:19.000 Almost 20 years ago.

01:22:20.000 Yeah, and my dad was there.

01:22:22.000 Actually, I have it on tape.

01:22:23.000 You have it on date?

01:22:23.000 I do.

01:22:24.000 The first time I ever did stand up.

01:22:25.000 Don't watch it. 1.00

01:22:26.000 It probably fucked your head up. 1.00

01:22:27.000 It fucked me up for months. 1.00

01:22:28.000 You're like, God damn it. 1.00

01:22:29.000 Dude, it fucked me up for months. 1.00

01:22:30.000 Why did I think I could do this? 0.91

01:22:32.000 And like, it was just everything you could imagine it was.

01:22:37.000 It was.

01:22:38.000 It was all the things.

01:22:40.000 All the things.

01:22:41.000 It was just all the little...

01:22:43.000 Clumsy.

01:22:44.000 Clumsy and fast and not rooted in a narrative about my life.

01:22:49.000 It just was sort of a reflection of what I saw.

01:22:52.000 Essentially, you go up there and you imitate something until you have your own voice, for the most part.

01:22:57.000 Yep, for sure.

01:22:58.000 But I have it on tape and I'll never forget, you know, we even videotaped afterwards.

01:23:01.000 My dad came out from Syracuse to watch it.

01:23:04.000 My dad, he's since passed in October, but he came out and he was there for my first stand-up show.

01:23:08.000 And he's like, babe, you're going to be fine.

01:23:10.000 Dude, my dad's not in the industry. 0.99

01:23:12.000 He doesn't know shit. 0.99

01:23:13.000 This dude was like, you know, he sold real estate and bartend. 0.99

01:23:16.000 Like, he wasn't like in the entertainment industry, but he's like, babe, you're going to be fine.

01:23:19.000 You're great because you got high energy.

01:23:22.000 He's like, you're going to be fine because you're up there and you got high energy.

01:23:25.000 That's what the people like.

01:23:26.000 I was like, alright.

01:23:28.000 Okay, Dad.

01:23:29.000 So I just kind of always thought about that, like, aspect of it.

01:23:32.000 Like, just my physicality and not feeling embarrassed by it, you know?

01:23:38.000 Did you ever say to your dad, hey, what about Stephen Wright?

01:23:41.000 Yeah, you know, he definitely, he liked comedians like that.

01:23:45.000 One of my dad's favorite comics was Stanhope.

01:23:48.000 He loved Stanhope.

01:23:49.000 I'll never forget, I did a show with Stanhope in Syracuse, actually, and my dad was sitting next to me while we were watching Stanhope, and he leaned over, he was like, man, the mind on this guy.

01:23:59.000 It's like one of the brightest, brightest people I've ever heard in my life.

01:24:04.000 Dad should get out more.

01:24:05.000 Well, he's in a grave now, so...

01:24:08.000 He's only getting out as a ghost.

01:24:10.000 He's probably a drunk ghost at some girl's house right now because he can't find mine.

01:24:13.000 Stanhope is getting ready to film another special.

01:24:15.000 Yeah.

01:24:15.000 Very excited to watch.

01:24:16.000 Yeah, it's going to be great.

01:24:17.000 Stanhope is like the equalizer when it comes to what's going on in society.

01:24:23.000 He just has a way of being like, boom, this is what's going on with gun control and with people being offended by terminology and words. 0.95

01:24:29.000 Here's why it's ridiculous. 0.97

01:24:31.000 Yeah. 0.92

01:24:31.000 He's good like that. 0.92

01:24:32.000 Well, he works.

01:24:34.000 He's a guy that...

01:24:36.000 And he works on his own schedule.

01:24:38.000 He decides when to write, when to perform, when to tour, when to do... 0.98

01:24:42.000 And he's always like, I might just fucking retire. 0.62

01:24:44.000 And then, right back at it, New Special coming out next year. 0.98

01:24:48.000 He's always working.

01:24:50.000 He is always working.

01:24:51.000 He has his own lane.

01:24:51.000 I'm glad he's out there.

01:24:52.000 Yeah, he's amazing.

01:24:53.000 I love watching him.

01:24:54.000 I'm glad he's out there because he's basically an older version of the guy he was like 20 plus years ago.

01:25:01.000 Absolutely.

01:25:02.000 He's not changed at all other than become more wacky.

01:25:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:06.000 It's fucking goofy suits that he buys. 1.00

01:25:09.000 It's goofy suits! 1.00

01:25:11.000 It's fucking suits every time I see them. 1.00

01:25:13.000 But here's the thing. 1.00

01:25:14.000 That's one of the things.

01:25:15.000 He owns the suits now.

01:25:16.000 I was just going to say.

01:25:17.000 No one can wear the suits. 0.96

01:25:18.000 If you wear a goofy suit, like a really shitty suit like Stanhope wears on stage. 0.82

01:25:22.000 Yeah, like a dusty, peach-colored suit with ruffles. 1.00

01:25:25.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:25:27.000 He wears loafers like an old man from Caddyshack days. 1.00

01:25:30.000 Hell yeah! 0.95

01:25:30.000 He looks like he used to sell cars 20 years ago and kept the outfit. 0.95

01:25:34.000 Yeah.

01:25:35.000 And I love it.

01:25:36.000 Frazier Smith's long lost cousin.

01:25:38.000 He looks like a ghost.

01:25:39.000 Toledo.

01:25:41.000 Cousin from Toledo who sells cars.

01:25:43.000 He looks like a ghost from the Titanic. 0.96

01:25:45.000 He rents out clowns. 0.96

01:25:46.000 Look at him.

01:25:47.000 Yeah.

01:25:47.000 Look at those shoes.

01:25:48.000 He's a rock star.

01:25:49.000 Look at those shoes.

01:25:50.000 But you're right.

01:25:51.000 That's his thing.

01:25:52.000 Yeah, that's his look.

01:25:53.000 No one can do that.

01:25:54.000 Terrible suits.

01:25:55.000 And he's been rocking this look for quite a while now.

01:25:58.000 Like, he used to dress like a normal person.

01:26:00.000 Well, semi.

01:26:01.000 I mean, there was always a level of eccentric...

01:26:06.000 Yeah, but he could replace his entire wardrobe for $40.

01:26:11.000 That's a luxury.

01:26:13.000 Yeah, I mean, you could get that jacket for $2.

01:26:16.000 And it's amazing that he finds them all that seem to be tailored.

01:26:20.000 He gets them fixed.

01:26:20.000 It's like he's a fraud.

01:26:21.000 He takes these shitty fabrics to a real high-end tailor. 0.98

01:26:26.000 And he has them slim-fitted. 0.97

01:26:28.000 He pretends he finds them.

01:26:30.000 He finds some of them, but he definitely gets some nice tailored...

01:26:33.000 Look at that shirt.

01:26:33.000 It's a bum jacket.

01:26:34.000 That shirt...

01:26:35.000 It's not bum, though.

01:26:36.000 It's all nice and clean.

01:26:37.000 No, it is nice and clean, but I'm saying it looks like a bum that struck it rich real quick. 1.00

01:26:41.000 Like, he got money fast and didn't know what to do, so he just bought the same suits, but cleaner.

01:26:45.000 No, if a bum struck it rich, they'd be wearing, like, the finest things that they saw on the windows of those department stores when they were on the outside. 0.98

01:26:52.000 You think you just go from living in a garbage bag to Prada?

01:26:56.000 Yeah.

01:26:57.000 Really?

01:26:57.000 Yeah.

01:26:58.000 Once you got on your feet and cleaned up and stuff.

01:27:00.000 I don't know if I could.

01:27:01.000 Take a couple of days to get used to the fact that you're rich now.

01:27:03.000 I don't know if I'd be able to.

01:27:05.000 Obviously, I don't have a knack for fashion.

01:27:06.000 I'm in a gangster hillbilly overall outfit.

01:27:09.000 It works.

01:27:10.000 I don't know if I'd be able to just know what to wear after being homeless for so long.

01:27:14.000 First, you've got to kick the heroin. 0.95

01:27:16.000 And the piss-stained shirt. 0.99

01:27:17.000 Yeah, you've got to kick all that. 0.99

01:27:19.000 You've got to clean your body up.

01:27:20.000 You've got $100 billion in the bank now, Claude.

01:27:22.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:27:23.000 There's a little bit of a process. 0.99

01:27:25.000 You're not going from shit-stained shorts to Gucci pants. 0.99

01:27:29.000 Well, most people don't even make it. 0.99

01:27:33.000 When people win money in a lottery, they almost always spend it all or go crazy.

01:27:40.000 I don't think people get adjusted to that idea that all of a sudden, boom, somebody just drops off a giant chunk of change. 0.99

01:27:47.000 If you got inheritance money from Grandpa, it leaves you a million dollars, you're going to burn through that shit. 0.99

01:27:52.000 Most people, I don't even think it's reserved for homeless people. 0.99

01:27:55.000 I mean, like rappers, athletes, comedians.

01:27:57.000 Yeah.

01:27:58.000 It's like, that goes back to our education system.

01:28:01.000 We're not taught financial responsibility in high school.

01:28:04.000 We should be.

01:28:05.000 Listen, it doesn't matter if you teach comedians financial responsibility.

01:28:09.000 Most of us are not going to follow it.

01:28:12.000 I was lucky. 0.54

01:28:13.000 We're crazy. 0.99

01:28:13.000 Crazy and impulsive. 0.99

01:28:14.000 I wanted to just at least have something saved for the future because I knew that about myself that I did not know enough so I started to save some and do a little bit of Googling.

01:28:24.000 For every Kevin Hart who has like real knowledge about finances, there's like four dudes like me.

01:28:29.000 I just have no idea what's going on.

01:28:32.000 Who's got like a custom gym and 16 cars on the way.

01:28:35.000 I'm not thinking.

01:28:35.000 I don't have any time for thinking.

01:28:37.000 But do you like that?

01:28:39.000 As a woman, our indulgences are like going to the spa or maybe shopping. 0.84

01:28:44.000 What's your thing like on a day off?

01:28:47.000 What do you do that brings you joy that is a commercial...

01:28:50.000 Like a material thing?

01:28:51.000 A material thing.

01:28:53.000 Obviously, you like your cars and stuff.

01:28:55.000 I enjoy cars, but I'm a big fan of engineering.

01:28:59.000 I love mechanical things.

01:29:02.000 I think my favorite car, I have this car that doesn't have any power steering, doesn't have air conditioning, and it's got an air-cooled engine.

01:29:09.000 It's one of my favorite cars.

01:29:11.000 What is it?

01:29:11.000 Which car?

01:29:12.000 It's a 1993 Porsche RS America.

01:29:15.000 It's a really light car.

01:29:16.000 It's not really even that fast.

01:29:18.000 Wow.

01:29:19.000 It's not fast like a modern car.

01:29:20.000 It's definitely not fast compared to my Tesla. 0.99

01:29:22.000 Tesla is the craziest fucking car I've ever driven by far. 1.00

01:29:27.000 Every other car seems stupid. 1.00

01:29:30.000 What model is it? 1.00

01:29:31.000 They seem dumb. 0.98

01:29:31.000 It's the Model S. I was just Googling that. 0.98

01:29:34.000 It's fucking preposterous how fast that car is. 0.93

01:29:37.000 And just the technology on it. 0.98

01:29:38.000 And does it also have auto?

01:29:40.000 Oh yeah.

01:29:41.000 Auto drives, does everything.

01:29:42.000 How does that work?

01:29:42.000 Like if you're driving down the highway, if you set up auto, does it legitimately go to your destination?

01:29:48.000 You have to hit this little thing to switch lanes to see that you want to switch lanes, but it'll switch lanes for you.

01:29:54.000 It will drive with the speed of traffic, so it'll slow down when traffic slows down, speed up and traffic speeds up.

01:30:01.000 It turns.

01:30:02.000 It makes perfect turns.

01:30:03.000 Wow!

01:30:04.000 It's crazy.

01:30:05.000 So could you just be...

01:30:06.000 Could you zone out?

01:30:07.000 And let it go?

01:30:07.000 You really shouldn't.

01:30:08.000 But just as an argument.

01:30:10.000 You probably could.

01:30:11.000 Wow.

01:30:11.000 You hold your hand on the steering wheel.

01:30:13.000 You're supposed to have light pressure on the steering wheel. 1.00

01:30:15.000 Apparently, some crazy fucks have... 1.00

01:30:19.000 That's what it looks like on the screen. 0.99

01:30:20.000 Wow.

01:30:21.000 They just updated it last week.

01:30:23.000 Yeah, they updated it to recognize stoplights.

01:30:26.000 That is so...

01:30:27.000 I mean, the future is now.

01:30:29.000 That is so wild.

01:30:30.000 It's bananas.

01:30:31.000 But someone told me, I don't know if this is true and it's irresponsible for me to even say it, but I'm going to say it.

01:30:36.000 Do it.

01:30:37.000 This is your podcast.

01:30:38.000 You're living your truth.

01:30:38.000 I'm going to go crazy.

01:30:39.000 Someone said that you can bypass the touch sensors on the steering wheel that knows if you're holding on to the steering wheel with a tennis ball.

01:30:47.000 You shove a tennis ball in there, and if you do that, you can just go to sleep.

01:30:52.000 Holy...

01:30:52.000 Well, you know what?

01:30:53.000 Modern Darwinism will take care of the rest.

01:30:56.000 I hope not. 0.98

01:30:58.000 I mean, people do dumb things. 0.83

01:30:59.000 I don't want people to die in his cars. 0.96

01:31:00.000 I don't want people to die either, but people do dumb things all the time.

01:31:03.000 But there's a difference between those kind of cars and the cars that I really like.

01:31:07.000 I like these mechanical cars.

01:31:09.000 They feel the gears.

01:31:11.000 See, this guy's got a tennis ball.

01:31:13.000 Oh, he's got an orange stuck in there.

01:31:15.000 He's got a little citrus.

01:31:16.000 See, citrus works for driving as well as getting rid of bacteria.

01:31:20.000 Yeah, he debunked Tesla's autopilot orange hack.

01:31:23.000 Oh, he debunked it.

01:31:25.000 To see if it worked or not.

01:31:26.000 I see.

01:31:27.000 It seems like it's working.

01:31:28.000 It does look like it's working.

01:31:30.000 It makes you hold on to it every now and then.

01:31:35.000 It doesn't make you hold on to it all the time.

01:31:36.000 As it should.

01:31:37.000 Debunking failed.

01:31:38.000 It actually does work that way.

01:31:40.000 I mean, how much is going on in your life that you can't...

01:31:42.000 I enjoy driving.

01:31:43.000 I enjoy the mechanism of it.

01:31:46.000 I enjoy where my mind goes.

01:31:47.000 I like blasting my music.

01:31:49.000 I may or may not hit a joint.

01:31:51.000 May or may not.

01:31:52.000 Allegedly.

01:31:53.000 Probably not.

01:31:54.000 But, you know, I enjoy driving.

01:31:57.000 Well, I do too, but I think if there was a button that you could press that said you drive, then the car just drives. 0.99

01:32:05.000 You hit that button all the fucking time. 0.96

01:32:07.000 Most of the time when you're in traffic, you just don't want to deal. 1.00

01:32:10.000 You just hit that button.

01:32:10.000 That's true.

01:32:11.000 Especially in LA. If I'm going to the airport, I get up in the morning and I just hit that button.

01:32:15.000 Yeah, I hit that button. 1.00

01:32:16.000 Let's go, bitch. 1.00

01:32:17.000 Press that button. 1.00

01:32:18.000 No, I barely pay attention. 1.00

01:32:20.000 Tap that shit. 1.00

01:32:21.000 All the way to the airport. 1.00

01:32:22.000 Yeah.

01:32:22.000 See, there's certain situations where it would be useful, definitely.

01:32:25.000 But when you're driving, like say if you're driving in a canyon, you know, like you're up these hills and driving around these beautiful scenic places, you want to be driving like a little sports car with a manual transmission.

01:32:39.000 Hugging those wheels.

01:32:41.000 Yeah.

01:32:43.000 You want to feel it.

01:32:44.000 Grabbing the wheel and hugging the corners like a desperate person.

01:32:47.000 I feel like he can add that to the Tesla.

01:32:50.000 No.

01:32:50.000 Why not?

01:32:50.000 Because you won't feel the gears.

01:32:52.000 You won't feel the grinding.

01:32:53.000 You won't feel the shifting of the gear yourself.

01:32:56.000 It doesn't have any gears.

01:32:57.000 There's so many oral experiences you'd have to be lying to me about.

01:33:00.000 First of all, here's one.

01:33:01.000 The revving of the engine.

01:33:03.000 When you get up to redline, when you're shifting gears, it's like...

01:33:08.000 There's a sound that, especially like a really well-engineered German car has when they hit those high revs.

01:33:15.000 It's a symphony of coordinated mechanics.

01:33:21.000 It's all... 0.99

01:33:26.000 And you're shifting, and then you hit the fucking, you blip on the downshift. 0.98

01:33:31.000 Like on the downshift, you do what's called heel towing, where you got one foot on the brake, and you go like this. 0.91

01:33:37.000 So that as you're going from third to second, you give it a little extra juice so that your engine RPM catches up with where the gear's gonna be.

01:33:45.000 When you get into second gear, it's gonna rev higher.

01:33:47.000 So you...

01:33:50.000 It's like a coordinated effort.

01:33:52.000 All these things are happening.

01:33:53.000 It's not just like sitting there with an orange on your steering wheel and driving around.

01:33:57.000 It's just something else going on.

01:33:58.000 I just came in my pants from that whole description of...

01:34:03.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

01:34:03.000 If he made fart sounds, then he can make some fart sounds or something like that.

01:34:08.000 But here's the thing.

01:34:08.000 It doesn't matter if you make the sounds.

01:34:10.000 I know, I know.

01:34:11.000 I want to feel the shift.

01:34:13.000 You push the...

01:34:14.000 No, Jamie.

01:34:15.000 It's all about the shift.

01:34:16.000 Jamie, you're pushing your foot into the clutch.

01:34:18.000 You're putting the thing into gear.

01:34:20.000 It's a mechanical action.

01:34:21.000 You can't fake that.

01:34:23.000 No, you can't fake that.

01:34:24.000 I'm giving Elon...

01:34:24.000 I bet Elon can fake it.

01:34:25.000 He's not going to.

01:34:26.000 Listen.

01:34:27.000 Listen, if he did, it would be less good than what he has.

01:34:30.000 What he's got is better than any other car.

01:34:33.000 Right, because it's a basic level of driving.

01:34:35.000 It's not, you know, you're not interactive with shifting and everything, which is probably the fun of having a car where you can actually drive it manually.

01:34:41.000 Well, there's a bunch of things.

01:34:43.000 First of all, with his car, they don't have any gears.

01:34:45.000 It's just one gear.

01:34:46.000 It doesn't shift.

01:34:48.000 It doesn't change.

01:34:49.000 That's bizarre.

01:34:49.000 It doesn't hit a red line and then you have to move to third gear.

01:34:53.000 Right.

01:34:53.000 Or it does it itself.

01:34:54.000 It just has one gear.

01:34:55.000 And then on top of that, it has this giant navigation screen. 0.99

01:34:59.000 I mean, it's the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen in your life. 0.97

01:35:02.000 It's like 14 inches tall. 0.99

01:35:03.000 Right.

01:35:04.000 And then on top of that, it's got like all these safety features.

01:35:08.000 It's looking at things and warning you about this and shows you where all the cars are around you as you're driving.

01:35:14.000 Sounds like having my mom in the front seat. 0.98

01:35:16.000 Sounds like...

01:35:16.000 Just something over there.

01:35:18.000 Something here.

01:35:18.000 Watch out for that, hon. It's like, alright, shut up.

01:35:20.000 But what if your mom was psychic and she was just sending it to your brain? 1.00

01:35:24.000 That's what it's like.

01:35:25.000 Because it's not saying anything.

01:35:27.000 It's showing it.

01:35:27.000 Right, it shows it.

01:35:28.000 It doesn't say everything.

01:35:29.000 But doesn't it have a fart machine in there?

01:35:31.000 I read that there's a fart machine in the Teslas.

01:35:34.000 Well, you should read more.

01:35:36.000 Because that's not what it was.

01:35:37.000 What was it?

01:35:37.000 It's a whoopee cushion.

01:35:38.000 It's a fart sound that it can make if you want it to.

01:35:41.000 Right.

01:35:43.000 It's not a fart machine, dude.

01:35:44.000 A fart machine would make actual farts.

01:35:46.000 Well, it makes a fart noise, though, right?

01:35:49.000 Yes.

01:35:49.000 Right.

01:35:50.000 So, I mean, essentially, it's a fart machine, just not like a...

01:35:53.000 Well, it's just a sound effect.

01:35:54.000 There's no mechanics to it.

01:35:55.000 There's no machine.

01:35:56.000 There's no machine, but there's like the...

01:35:58.000 Yes.

01:35:59.000 That's great.

01:35:59.000 That's enough for me to get to Tesla.

01:36:01.000 There's different kinds of farts.

01:36:02.000 What?

01:36:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:03.000 You can have like wet farts, short little tiny farts.

01:36:07.000 Hookworm farts. 0.83

01:36:08.000 Yeah.

01:36:10.000 What do you think a hookworm fart would smell like?

01:36:12.000 Like rotten fish?

01:36:14.000 Carcass.

01:36:15.000 Some dead worms inside your body? 0.97

01:36:17.000 Like a river-soaked carcass.

01:36:19.000 Have you ever seen an animal?

01:36:21.000 I know you have a lot of dogs. 0.74

01:36:22.000 You ever seen an animal shit out worms? 0.96

01:36:25.000 No, and I definitely don't want to, but now the image is just vivid in my mind.

01:36:30.000 I have, many times.

01:36:31.000 Like, how many worms are we talking? 0.99

01:36:33.000 Oh, like, worms coming out of their butt. 0.99

01:36:35.000 Like, you look in their butt, you see, like, little worms. 0.99

01:36:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:36:39.000 You never seen that?

01:36:40.000 It's super common with dogs.

01:36:41.000 No, it's crazy that I haven't, because I have had so many dogs in my life.

01:36:44.000 That's, well, you...

01:36:45.000 Does that mean that they're, like, not normal dogs? 0.94

01:36:47.000 I haven't had them crap out worms?

01:36:49.000 Well, they probably didn't get dewormed, you know? 0.62

01:36:51.000 They didn't get their pills.

01:36:52.000 Right, right, right, right.

01:36:53.000 Maybe rescue dogs before, you know, the deworming stuff takes place.

01:36:57.000 But when I was a kid, our dog had it. 0.89

01:36:59.000 And I remember watching, like, little worms come out of her butt. 1.00

01:37:02.000 I was like, this is crazy. 0.99

01:37:03.000 Little white worms were wiggling around in her butt. 1.00

01:37:05.000 And I was like, what in the fuck is this? 1.00

01:37:09.000 Nature's weird, man. 0.99

01:37:10.000 There's something feeding on everything.

01:37:12.000 There's an organism feeding on an organism.

01:37:15.000 That's all this is.

01:37:16.000 Just organisms feeding on each other. 1.00

01:37:17.000 It's one big fuck fest with organisms. 1.00

01:37:20.000 Or leech fest. 1.00

01:37:21.000 Yeah, it is a leech fest. 1.00

01:37:23.000 These things, I don't think they fuck. 1.00

01:37:25.000 Do you think those parasitic worms fuck? 1.00

01:37:27.000 No, they just divide themselves. 1.00

01:37:32.000 There's no sex happening. 1.00

01:37:33.000 Speaking of fuck... 1.00

01:37:34.000 Did you see that python that they found in the middle of the Everglades that was 17 feet long? 1.00

01:37:39.000 Oh my...

01:37:40.000 So I googled it.

01:37:42.000 I saw this.

01:37:42.000 It's one of the things I was talking about exotic pets.

01:37:45.000 I googled it.

01:37:47.000 They get to 30 feet long.

01:37:49.000 I can't even understand that. 0.97

01:37:50.000 That is ridiculous. 0.99

01:37:52.000 So then I went down a hole. 0.99

01:37:53.000 Oh, I did.

01:37:53.000 I saw that photo.

01:37:54.000 A python hole.

01:37:55.000 The record 17 foot long python carrying 73 eggs captured in Florida's Everglades.

01:38:01.000 Another reason we should just get rid of Florida.

01:38:03.000 Snap it off and push it into the ocean.

01:38:05.000 There's too much craziness happening there.

01:38:07.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:38:07.000 Fucking snake. 1.00

01:38:08.000 Now here's the thing that freaked me out. 1.00

01:38:10.000 I found out those snakes get twice that length.

01:38:12.000 So this has only been going on apparently for like the last 15 or so years.

01:38:18.000 They apparently didn't have a real population of pythons in the Everglades.

01:38:23.000 15 years ago.

01:38:24.000 Did somebody's pet get loose?

01:38:25.000 That thing had 73 eggs in it.

01:38:27.000 I know.

01:38:27.000 No, it didn't get loose.

01:38:28.000 Some asshole just released his snake. 1.00

01:38:30.000 Right. 1.00

01:38:31.000 Someone just chucked it out the window.

01:38:32.000 And then it fucks up the balance of the ecosystem.

01:38:35.000 They escaped from a breeding facility destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992. Well, that makes sense.

01:38:41.000 100%.

01:38:41.000 That's how a horror movie starts.

01:38:42.000 It is how a horror movie starts.

01:38:44.000 It is a great horror movie.

01:38:45.000 Somebody write that script.

01:38:46.000 Tens of thousands of Burmese pythons are estimated to now be living in the area.

01:38:50.000 And that's just now.

01:38:51.000 They've completely wiped out all the raccoons, all the skunks, all the rabbits.

01:38:56.000 It'll balance itself back out.

01:38:58.000 Yeah, they're eating alligators now. 0.89

01:39:00.000 Nice! 0.94

01:39:00.000 Those things eat alligators? 0.94

01:39:02.000 That's a video to see.

01:39:03.000 Forget the dude naked at Chick-fil-A. There's a photograph of one that died because the alligator chewed its way out of its body.

01:39:12.000 Nature is so brutal, man. 0.99

01:39:14.000 Nature is so goddamn ruthless. 0.99

01:39:17.000 But there's some beauty in that ruthlessness. 0.98

01:39:19.000 Just that undying desire for survival that exists in creatures like that.

01:39:26.000 There's no empathy.

01:39:27.000 There's no sympathy.

01:39:28.000 They're just going to eat their way out of you to survive.

01:39:30.000 Yeah, there's something cool about it as long as it's not your five-year-old kid that gets snatched up.

01:39:34.000 Absolutely.

01:39:35.000 Absolutely. 1.00

01:39:35.000 That's a goddamn nightmare. 1.00

01:39:36.000 Look at this. 1.00

01:39:37.000 I can't show this, but this is just for you guys.

01:39:40.000 So what is this one doing?

01:39:41.000 This is the video.

01:39:43.000 Look at that.

01:39:44.000 It's a different one.

01:39:45.000 I think this is an anaconda and a caiman.

01:39:48.000 It says, python eats alligator.

01:39:51.000 Alive.

01:39:51.000 Yeah, it eats the whole thing.

01:39:52.000 I mean, it eats the whole thing alive.

01:39:54.000 Is that a python for sure?

01:39:56.000 Yeah, it seems like it is.

01:39:58.000 That's actually a video of me eating a grilled cheese at 2am. 0.99

01:40:01.000 It is sped up, but look how it gets all the way down to the fucking tail. 0.99

01:40:06.000 That is amazing. 0.99

01:40:07.000 I wonder if snakes have taste buds or if it's just for pure hunger.

01:40:10.000 Dude, just stop and think about what we're looking at here. 1.00

01:40:12.000 This fucking snake just ate a whole alligator. 1.00

01:40:16.000 There goes a tail. 1.00

01:40:17.000 Oh my.

01:40:18.000 It's in its body and it's just going to break it down. 1.00

01:40:21.000 Look at that evil in his fucking eyes. 1.00

01:40:22.000 But then he's got to go away and chill because they're vulnerable when they eat that. 1.00

01:40:25.000 He's got to go and just hide in a...

01:40:28.000 Hide under a canopy.

01:40:29.000 Well, that's why there's not snakes everywhere on Earth.

01:40:32.000 Well, now there are in Florida.

01:40:34.000 Yeah, but I mean, they're not everywhere.

01:40:35.000 Because if they really could just eat and then go out and eat again, like real quick, like how a lion could.

01:40:41.000 Right.

01:40:42.000 All the ecosystem would be destroyed.

01:40:44.000 They'd eat up everything.

01:40:46.000 That's the one where the alligator chewed its way out. 0.86

01:40:48.000 Eww! 0.99

01:40:48.000 Look at that. 0.99

01:40:49.000 Also kind of badass of that alligator.

01:40:51.000 It looks like the tail popped out.

01:40:54.000 Yeah, maybe the tail, you know, because those tails are very strong and they're so thick.

01:40:58.000 It's like an armor.

01:40:59.000 Go to that website.

01:41:01.000 That's wild, man.

01:41:03.000 See what it says about it.

01:41:05.000 Jesus Christ.

01:41:06.000 That is really wild. 1.00

01:41:07.000 But that just shows you how hungry these fucking things are. 1.00

01:41:10.000 They've eaten everything that's out there. 1.00

01:41:12.000 But also their ability to capture something and then kill it that's that vicious.

01:41:19.000 Right, an alligator.

01:41:21.000 Those are kind of hard to sneak up on and capture and hold on to.

01:41:25.000 I don't think they are.

01:41:26.000 You don't think so?

01:41:27.000 No, I think that's one of the reasons why it could get it so quick.

01:41:30.000 I think they just lay around most of the time.

01:41:32.000 And I think alligators don't tweak because they don't have any natural enemies until the pythons came along.

01:41:37.000 Because they're so badass.

01:41:39.000 Yeah, I don't think they're equipped for this.

01:41:41.000 Yeah, they're probably not equipped for you.

01:41:42.000 You're probably right.

01:41:43.000 The snake found a vulnerability in the system.

01:41:46.000 He's like, I'm going to snack on alligators.

01:41:48.000 I wonder how long it takes a snake with its nasty gut juices to break down alligator hide.

01:41:53.000 Three days.

01:41:54.000 Three to four days.

01:41:55.000 Really?

01:41:56.000 That's my guess.

01:41:57.000 I'm going to say at least a week to break down all that.

01:41:59.000 Maybe even longer.

01:42:01.000 Yeah.

01:42:02.000 It's got to have some gnarly acids in its stomach to break that down. 0.99

01:42:08.000 Yeah, some shit like from the movie Alien. 0.99

01:42:10.000 Yes, like battery acid. 0.99

01:42:12.000 It just burns right through it.

01:42:15.000 Why aren't we like using snake acid to break down rust on cars and stuff? 0.52

01:42:19.000 We should be looking into that.

01:42:21.000 Yeah, it would clean up everything.

01:42:22.000 Probably would clean up everything.

01:42:23.000 An animated recreation of the python-alligator battle suggests that the python might have survived its massive meal, but that a second gator came to the rescue and bit off the snake's head.

01:42:34.000 Oh. 0.99

01:42:34.000 Was that the alligator's bitch being like, no! 0.99

01:42:37.000 No! 1.00

01:42:37.000 The force of the tussle, the new theory says, is what caused the python to burst. 1.00

01:42:42.000 Whoa. 0.99

01:42:43.000 So an alligator came and fucked him up after he ate an alligator. 0.99

01:42:46.000 A homie came and rescued him. 0.99

01:42:47.000 I don't think they have any homies.

01:42:48.000 Really? 1.00

01:42:49.000 No, I think they're assholes. 1.00

01:42:51.000 I think they're assholes with tiny little brains and they just chew things and suck them down. 1.00

01:42:55.000 They just fuck reptilian style? 1.00

01:42:57.000 Did you ever see that video of the crocodiles and they go to feed them? 0.99

01:43:02.000 And it was on my Instagram.

01:43:04.000 Jamie, the one with the crocodile.

01:43:05.000 Little death roll situation.

01:43:07.000 This lady goes to throw some chicken out for the crocodiles and the crocodiles snap up the chicken and one crocodile reaches over to the guy next to him and bites his leg. 1.00

01:43:15.000 Bites the crocodile's leg and just rolls.

01:43:17.000 Oh, God.

01:43:18.000 Snaps it off and chucks it down, swallows it.

01:43:20.000 And the other alligator, the other crocodile, doesn't even budge.

01:43:24.000 He just got his arm bit off.

01:43:26.000 He's like, what happened? 1.00

01:43:26.000 Oh my fuck! 1.00

01:43:27.000 This is when you realize what these things are. 1.00

01:43:29.000 They don't give a fuck! 0.99

01:43:31.000 It's so crazy to watch. 1.00

01:43:33.000 They're dinosaurs!

01:43:34.000 This thing doesn't even freak out that its arm got bitten off and swallowed by his neighbor.

01:43:38.000 Well, I will say if I'm eating a really delicious sandwich and someone bites me, I'm going to be like, I'm just going to finish the sandwich.

01:43:43.000 I have to be honest.

01:43:44.000 How hungry are you?

01:43:45.000 If you're very hungry...

01:43:46.000 Well, he's not even finishing.

01:43:47.000 He's lying there.

01:43:49.000 And the other crocodile bites his leg and then rips it off.

01:43:54.000 Watch this. 1.00

01:43:54.000 That's some bullshit. 1.00

01:43:56.000 Just watch it. 1.00

01:43:57.000 Boom.

01:43:58.000 Now watch.

01:43:58.000 They run in.

01:43:59.000 See, this one's snacking up. 1.00

01:44:02.000 And look.

01:44:02.000 Grabs it.

01:44:02.000 And now watch.

01:44:03.000 Gator roll.

01:44:04.000 Death.

01:44:05.000 Snaps it off.

01:44:06.000 And now watch.

01:44:06.000 Chucks it down.

01:44:09.000 But look at him.

01:44:10.000 He doesn't even do anything. 1.00

01:44:11.000 What the fuck, bro? 1.00

01:44:13.000 He just lost his leg. 1.00

01:44:14.000 And he's like, what the fuck, bro? 0.99

01:44:16.000 I mean, those are not regenerative, right? 0.99

01:44:18.000 Yes, they are.

01:44:18.000 Can he grow another paw?

01:44:19.000 Yep.

01:44:20.000 Whoa.

01:44:21.000 Yeah, they grow other paws all the time. 0.99

01:44:24.000 Fool. 0.99

01:44:24.000 That is so wild. 0.99

01:44:27.000 I want to put some gator DNA on my face. 1.00

01:44:30.000 I bet you that's really good for just keeping your shit fresh. 1.00

01:44:33.000 Or you look like scales. 1.00

01:44:34.000 You want that?

01:44:35.000 That'd be kind of cool.

01:44:36.000 Forever?

01:44:36.000 Scales?

01:44:37.000 I'd be a superhero.

01:44:38.000 I could probably capitalize on it.

01:44:39.000 Then you never have to worry about what you look like, right?

01:44:41.000 Just glue scales to your face.

01:44:43.000 Absolutely.

01:44:43.000 Just glue them to there right now.

01:44:44.000 I'm not going to wear any rouge.

01:44:45.000 I got scales.

01:44:46.000 I'm going to go out.

01:44:47.000 Some girl had to be the first girl to get a face tattoo. 1.00

01:44:50.000 You could be the first girl to get scales. 1.00

01:44:51.000 Probably a really long time ago, some bitch got a face tattoo. 1.00

01:44:55.000 Well, most likely. 1.00

01:44:56.000 Tribal.

01:44:56.000 Yeah, most likely tribal.

01:44:57.000 Definitely a tribal. 0.70

01:44:58.000 Maybe like one of those polyandrous tribes.

01:45:01.000 What is this, Jamie?

01:45:02.000 That's what it looks like inside.

01:45:03.000 Snake with an alligator inside of it?

01:45:04.000 Yeah.

01:45:05.000 It does take three days for it to break down.

01:45:07.000 Look at that.

01:45:07.000 Profile scientist.

01:45:09.000 Doctor slash scientist.

01:45:10.000 Coming into your lane.

01:45:11.000 Better watch out.

01:45:12.000 I'm a doctor and a scientist.

01:45:13.000 And you know all about gut acids.

01:45:15.000 I know about gut acids because I'm Italian.

01:45:17.000 I've got agita.

01:45:19.000 Agita.

01:45:20.000 I haven't heard agita in forever.

01:45:23.000 Agita.

01:45:23.000 Agita's a real thing.

01:45:24.000 That's science.

01:45:25.000 That's Sicilian science. 1.00

01:45:27.000 He's got the fucking agita. 1.00

01:45:28.000 I can't eat meatballs. 1.00

01:45:30.000 They give me the agita.

01:45:31.000 You know?

01:45:32.000 What's crazy about the Everglades is if this is how it is now, imagine what it's going to be like 20 years from now when these things just keep breeding.

01:45:38.000 Yeah, it's going to take a few generations for that to balance back out.

01:45:41.000 They need to put some wolves in that area and get it all back to where it should be.

01:45:45.000 Well, they have crocodiles in there now, too.

01:45:47.000 There's been confirmed sightings of Nile crocodiles, not American crocodiles, Nile crocodiles, for the same reason.

01:45:52.000 Dude, that's wild.

01:45:53.000 Where the alligators are?

01:45:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:55.000 That's fucked. 1.00

01:45:55.000 Yeah, it's fucked, because those are the ones that eat zebras and shit. 1.00

01:45:58.000 Yeah, they're gonna eat everything. 1.00

01:45:59.000 They're gonna be eating...

01:46:00.000 Watch...

01:46:00.000 Hide your kids, hide your wife.

01:46:02.000 Yeah, they don't...

01:46:03.000 Definitely. 0.99

01:46:04.000 They'd be raping everybody in here. 1.00

01:46:06.000 Remember that guy? 0.98

01:46:06.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:46:07.000 I mean, this is what I'm saying.

01:46:09.000 He found a lane and he capitalized off of that little moment.

01:46:12.000 He did for a little bit.

01:46:13.000 Yeah, for a hot minute.

01:46:14.000 And now we know who he is by just saying a phrase.

01:46:16.000 Yeah, I met him.

01:46:17.000 You did?

01:46:18.000 Yeah, I met him at one of the UFCs.

01:46:20.000 Oh, that's wild.

01:46:20.000 Was he a gentleman?

01:46:22.000 Very nice guy.

01:46:22.000 He was super confused about his life.

01:46:24.000 Like, what the fuck is going on here? 0.99

01:46:26.000 Why am I here? 0.99

01:46:27.000 Everybody knows me.

01:46:28.000 Like, he went from being just a regular guy talking about break-ins.

01:46:32.000 Yeah, he was on the news.

01:46:33.000 They interviewed a dude on the news.

01:46:34.000 And he was so funny that he became like a viral star and then next thing you know, Dana White flew him out to the UFC and we were hanging out with him backstage.

01:46:42.000 That's hilarious!

01:46:43.000 He was like, what is this life?

01:46:46.000 Wow!

01:46:46.000 How about that Cash Me Outside girl?

01:46:48.000 She is a... 1.00

01:46:50.000 She's rich as fuck. 1.00

01:46:51.000 She's a rapper. 1.00

01:46:51.000 She's got like 20 million followers on Instagram. 1.00

01:46:54.000 Dude.

01:46:54.000 And she's rapping.

01:46:55.000 She's got a giant billboard on Sunset.

01:46:57.000 Yes.

01:46:57.000 One of them buildings where they have the whole thing.

01:46:58.000 Body B? Body?

01:47:00.000 Bad Baby?

01:47:02.000 Bad Bobby?

01:47:03.000 Bad Biddy Biddy Boppity Boo? 1.00

01:47:06.000 Whatever.

01:47:07.000 But you know, sometimes when I work out, I put female rapper station on Spotify and she pops up. 0.97

01:47:12.000 Look at his hair now.

01:47:14.000 Live in your truth.

01:47:14.000 I love it.

01:47:15.000 Hold on a second. 0.94

01:47:16.000 Formerly gay. 1.00

01:47:18.000 Antoine Dodson announces his baby boy's birth after expressing his desire to get married.

01:47:24.000 That's a confusing headline, but live it.

01:47:26.000 Do it.

01:47:27.000 He looks great there.

01:47:30.000 You should be open to change.

01:47:31.000 People should be...

01:47:33.000 Do you think that someone can be gay and then that it could switch over?

01:47:38.000 Absolutely.

01:47:38.000 And they stop being gay and they start being attracted to women?

01:47:41.000 Absolutely.

01:47:42.000 Why not?

01:47:43.000 We're on a dot suspended in nothing that's expanding.

01:47:46.000 Why not?

01:47:47.000 Why not?

01:47:47.000 Why is that so stunning to think, right?

01:47:49.000 Like, what?

01:47:50.000 Is that possible?

01:47:51.000 Because I think what you just said, people exist, some people exist in these comfortable bubbles, and they have their routines, and they fear change because of the exhaustion, because of what it takes, and then when they hear somebody else live in a life that's outside of their little bubble regimen, they freak out because maybe it reflects their own inability to change themselves or their fear of changing.

01:48:12.000 So I think a lot of that where people look at someone like Antoine Dodson who's in a wig and wears lip gloss, they're like, what's that?

01:48:18.000 First of all, you don't know that's a wig.

01:48:20.000 That's hurtful.

01:48:21.000 It could be his real hair.

01:48:22.000 Did I trigger you?

01:48:23.000 Do you have his hair sensitivity?

01:48:25.000 He has the exact same hair as Beyonce.

01:48:27.000 It's his real hair.

01:48:28.000 I think the same thing when I wake up.

01:48:30.000 She's real too, by the way.

01:48:31.000 That's a real woman. 1.00

01:48:32.000 Okay.

01:48:33.000 Respect.

01:48:34.000 Yeah.

01:48:35.000 Better watch out.

01:48:35.000 Those hips will snap you.

01:48:37.000 You can turn on people that way.

01:48:39.000 Yes.

01:48:39.000 By bringing something up that they didn't even say.

01:48:41.000 Yep. 0.99

01:48:41.000 And then saying, don't ever fucking say anything about her. 0.99

01:48:44.000 Right. 0.99

01:48:44.000 But I didn't. 0.99

01:48:44.000 You're like, what are you talking about? 0.99

01:48:46.000 What the hell happened?

01:48:46.000 All of a sudden you're on a defensive.

01:48:47.000 Be careful of people like that. 1.00

01:48:49.000 People are crazy. 1.00

01:48:50.000 They are sneaky. 1.00

01:48:50.000 And I know what you're going to say next. 1.00

01:48:52.000 You're going to say.

01:48:53.000 Yes.

01:48:53.000 That's mental illness.

01:48:55.000 You're going to say that Donald Trump is a strong leader. 0.99

01:48:57.000 What?

01:48:57.000 I wasn't going to say that.

01:48:58.000 You're like, wait a minute.

01:48:59.000 You're going to say that we need border security. 1.00

01:49:01.000 I know what the fuck you're doing, racist. 1.00

01:49:02.000 Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. 1.00

01:49:03.000 You're like, I'm just trying to have a conversation here.

01:49:05.000 I mean, we need some border security, don't we? 1.00

01:49:07.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:49:09.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:49:11.000 People will get mad. 1.00

01:49:12.000 Go down that wormhole with crazies. 0.99

01:49:14.000 Dude, you ever see what the border looks like in Canada?

01:49:16.000 The middle of the forest?

01:49:17.000 I would imagine just like maple syrup fountains.

01:49:20.000 No, it's paved.

01:49:21.000 It's like, not paved, it's like trimmed.

01:49:24.000 All the trees are trimmed.

01:49:25.000 So people can see and hop over?

01:49:27.000 And it's like 100 yards wide.

01:49:28.000 There's like a path.

01:49:29.000 That's a hundred yards wide.

01:49:31.000 That is like the border between us.

01:49:32.000 Like say if this table was like barren and there's forest on this side and forest on that side.

01:49:37.000 That's what the path is like.

01:49:38.000 The entire length of the connection between the United States and Canada.

01:49:43.000 That's trippy.

01:49:44.000 It's crazy.

01:49:45.000 That's trippy.

01:49:46.000 Also, did you just call me barren?

01:49:47.000 No, I didn't.

01:49:48.000 I said, it's barren, not you. 1.00

01:49:50.000 I was like, true, probably.

01:49:52.000 That's wild.

01:49:53.000 Have you seen it in person?

01:49:54.000 No, no, no.

01:49:55.000 I just found out about it like two weeks ago.

01:49:57.000 That's really cool.

01:49:58.000 Crocodiles apparently can't regrow their limbs.

01:50:00.000 Oh, that's a bummer!

01:50:02.000 Are you sure?

01:50:03.000 I just looked it up.

01:50:05.000 Even their tails?

01:50:06.000 Other amphibians can, but crocodiles and alligators can't.

01:50:09.000 I guess they're not.

01:50:09.000 They can live without a limb or two, it says, but they can't regrow.

01:50:13.000 That's a bummer.

01:50:14.000 You would think they would, because you would think genetically they're similar salamanders.

01:50:18.000 I looked this on a couple websites.

01:50:19.000 I'm not the scientist here.

01:50:21.000 Well, it's on a couple websites.

01:50:22.000 We know you aren't, because he's sitting right here.

01:50:24.000 I'm not a scientist either.

01:50:25.000 There can't be two scientists.

01:50:26.000 I like to be a doctor of something, though.

01:50:27.000 It sounds good.

01:50:28.000 You're a doctor of comedy.

01:50:29.000 Dr. Rogan.

01:50:30.000 Look at that.

01:50:30.000 There's one picture of it.

01:50:31.000 Wow.

01:50:32.000 That just looks like a power line path.

01:50:35.000 It looks like cocaine.

01:50:37.000 Like a big line to snow.

01:50:38.000 Yeah, because it's snow.

01:50:40.000 Look at this.

01:50:41.000 No touching zone.

01:50:42.000 I have the no touching zone, too.

01:50:43.000 That's the zone right there.

01:50:45.000 That's all my zones.

01:50:46.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:50:47.000 That's the border between the U.S. and Canada.

01:50:49.000 That's beautiful.

01:50:49.000 By the way, if you go up there, that is God's country.

01:50:52.000 That is spectacular. 0.99

01:50:53.000 I would love to blaze a blunt and walk that whole fucking thing. 1.00

01:50:57.000 It'll freak you out. 0.99

01:50:58.000 Do you ever go hiking deep in where you got no cell phone reception and you get to...

01:51:02.000 Not like where it's that deciduous, but like in, you know, like...

01:51:05.000 Look at you, deciduous.

01:51:06.000 Second big word of the day. 0.99

01:51:08.000 Shut up, Joe Rogan! 1.00

01:51:09.000 This bitch is slinging the big words. 1.00

01:51:10.000 I know I'm in overalls, but I am somewhat well-read. 1.00

01:51:13.000 I'm a fucking doctor. 0.99

01:51:14.000 I forgot you were a doctor. 1.00

01:51:16.000 I'm a doctor.

01:51:16.000 I'd like to be a doctor of something.

01:51:18.000 I feel you're a doctor of comedy, for sure.

01:51:23.000 I don't have it, though.

01:51:24.000 There's no...

01:51:25.000 I know there's no mastering.

01:51:26.000 You and I have talked about this before, and I said something like, I don't know...

01:51:29.000 You were like, how's comedy?

01:51:30.000 I'm like, I'm just trying to figure it out.

01:51:32.000 You're like, none of us ever will.

01:51:33.000 I'm not saying that you're the end of it, but I think...

01:51:37.000 I was watching you on stage at the Comedy Store and Hinchcliffe was next to me.

01:51:42.000 And you're doing your set killing and having a great show.

01:51:46.000 And this woman yells out in the middle of a joke. 1.00

01:51:49.000 And you just kept fucking going. 0.99

01:51:50.000 You were so disciplined. 1.00

01:51:52.000 You didn't miss a beat.

01:51:53.000 You didn't acknowledge her.

01:51:54.000 You didn't give her any sort of energy or attention.

01:51:57.000 You just were so in your joke.

01:52:00.000 And I just looked at Tony and he was like, I know.

01:52:03.000 Everybody else would have went to her, totally just abandoned their joke and messed up the flow.

01:52:09.000 But you just... 0.96

01:52:10.000 In that day, I was like, damn, I need to stick to my jokes more than indulging people who are yelling at me from the audience. 0.96

01:52:17.000 Sometimes you have to indulge it, and sometimes they are also going to ruin it for the people around them. 0.99

01:52:23.000 That's the number one thing to, like when people go, yeah, you just can't fucking hang. 0.85

01:52:27.000 Like, people have said that to like Chris D'Elia. 0.81

01:52:30.000 This lady called him, what did she say?

01:52:32.000 She goes, you're a planner, not a comedian.

01:52:34.000 A real comedian can deal with someone yelling something out. 0.99

01:52:37.000 Like, Chris told her to shut the fuck up and get out of there, and they kicked her out. 1.00

01:52:41.000 And that was her thing, that you're a planner. 1.00

01:52:43.000 A planner! 1.00

01:52:43.000 And so now that I'll text Chris D'Elia out of nowhere, you're a fucking planner, bro. 1.00

01:52:47.000 You're such a planner. 1.00

01:52:49.000 Comedians are the most unorganized people ever.

01:52:51.000 If anything, they're the worst planners. 0.90

01:52:53.000 Sometimes you have to address them.

01:52:55.000 Sometimes you do. 0.98

01:52:55.000 The real problem is that they're fucking it up for the people around them. 0.98

01:52:59.000 They think they're just interacting with you, but they're not taking into consideration the fact that Even if you don't like what someone's saying, let them say it because there's 300 other fucking people in the room. 0.98

01:53:11.000 And you don't get to decide. 0.97

01:53:12.000 You're not the program director.

01:53:14.000 You don't get to decide what you like or don't like.

01:53:16.000 Just because you're in front of that person, you yell something out.

01:53:19.000 If the whole audience is sitting there watching the performance and the guy is working his way through some material, or the woman, by the way.

01:53:25.000 Sorry. 1.00

01:53:27.000 Let them fucking finish their shit, man. 1.00

01:53:30.000 Do you find you have... 1.00

01:53:31.000 Which gender yells out more or is it equal? 1.00

01:53:34.000 Oh, it's equal. 1.00

01:53:36.000 It's just dummies. 0.99

01:53:37.000 Equal men to women. 0.99

01:53:37.000 Mine, I find, is most women. 0.99

01:53:39.000 Really?

01:53:40.000 Yeah, I'd say, for me, it's been like 95% women. 1.00

01:53:44.000 I think I'd probably say...

01:53:46.000 Maybe there's a little bit of a number difference in favor of men doing it. 0.97

01:53:55.000 Obviously, you probably have a more male-dominated audience than I would.

01:53:58.000 Yeah, but guys bring their girlfriends. 1.00

01:54:00.000 The girlfriend's like, fuck him. 1.00

01:54:02.000 Are you listening to that? 1.00

01:54:03.000 You're always listening to him. 1.00

01:54:04.000 He's a fucking idiot. 1.00

01:54:05.000 He's an asshole. 1.00

01:54:06.000 Do you really believe what he's saying? 1.00

01:54:08.000 Enough people just listen. 0.99

01:54:10.000 You can get confused and think you know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

01:54:14.000 That's what he is. 0.99

01:54:15.000 That's exactly what he is.

01:54:16.000 He's confused. 0.99

01:54:16.000 Just because a lot of people are listening to him doesn't mean he knows what the fuck he's talking about. 0.99

01:54:21.000 And you worship him like, oh my god, do you love him? 0.99

01:54:23.000 Are you in a bromance?

01:54:25.000 That's embarrassing.

01:54:26.000 You should be embarrassed of yourself.

01:54:27.000 It's sad. 1.00

01:54:27.000 I don't give a fuck what Joe Rogan thinks. 1.00

01:54:30.000 He's not a real man. 0.99

01:54:31.000 Stop bringing that up. 1.00

01:54:32.000 God, he's gross. 0.99

01:54:33.000 You don't even know him. 1.00

01:54:34.000 Disgusting. 0.99

01:54:34.000 He's very angry. 0.99

01:54:35.000 Ew. 0.65

01:54:36.000 He looks like a man ape. 0.91

01:54:37.000 Ew. 0.95

01:54:38.000 Ew. 0.95

01:54:39.000 Also the appeal is that you look like a man ape. 0.53

01:54:43.000 Well, I get it, gals. 0.99

01:54:45.000 I don't want to listen to fucking Taylor Swift songs either. 0.99

01:54:47.000 I get it. 0.99

01:54:49.000 If you're in the car and she's like, haters gonna hate me.

01:54:52.000 You rock out to Taylor.

01:54:53.000 She's got a few songs that are not bad.

01:54:55.000 You've got daughters in your house. 0.96

01:54:56.000 I know you dance to Taylor Swift.

01:54:58.000 I probably have if I've been hammered.

01:55:00.000 The thing is, it's not my thing.

01:55:03.000 It's not what I would listen to all the time.

01:55:06.000 It's not my go-to.

01:55:08.000 And people have different go-to's.

01:55:10.000 It doesn't make it right or wrong, but if you get dragged into someone else's go-to, you gotta grin and bear it.

01:55:14.000 Anybody ever take you to a musical?

01:55:16.000 No. 1.00

01:55:16.000 Jesus fucking Christmas. 1.00

01:55:19.000 It's a thing. 1.00

01:55:20.000 I went to like three musicals.

01:55:22.000 One of them I only went to because Stamos was in it.

01:55:26.000 You should tell everybody.

01:55:28.000 Jessie Mae might have a bit of a stalker issue with John Stamos. 0.99

01:55:33.000 It's stalker-esque.

01:55:35.000 I am not stalking.

01:55:36.000 He's a very nice man.

01:55:37.000 He reached out to me when my father passed.

01:55:38.000 He was very nice to me.

01:55:39.000 He sent a message.

01:55:40.000 He was very, very nice.

01:55:41.000 Well, but...

01:55:42.000 All joking aside, you do have about a hundred photoshops of you with John Stamos in various positions in bed, on a plane together, on vacation together.

01:55:53.000 I'm sorry, Caitlin.

01:55:53.000 I'm sorry, Caitlin Hugh.

01:55:55.000 It's obviously just jokes.

01:55:56.000 My fans make, you know, they superimpose me.

01:55:58.000 I find a photo of his that's funny and I'm like, put me in this.

01:56:02.000 There's one where he posted a picture of him on bed from the Full House era.

01:56:06.000 I was like, somebody put me on the bed.

01:56:09.000 And then I apologized to Caitlin.

01:56:11.000 I always apologize to his wife and child.

01:56:13.000 I mean, for the most part.

01:56:14.000 Well, it's a joke.

01:56:15.000 It's a joke.

01:56:15.000 But it's a long-running joke that you've been doing for years now.

01:56:18.000 Are you kidding me?

01:56:19.000 I loved him as a kid.

01:56:20.000 And I told this story before, but I had a poster of him above my bed as a kid that I literally kissed so much I wore a hole in his mouth.

01:56:29.000 Don't you be rude.

01:56:31.000 Don't you be rude.

01:56:31.000 Don't you be rude, Joe Rogan.

01:56:33.000 You never licked something to its completion.

01:56:37.000 Dude, you ate through the paper.

01:56:40.000 People have done a lot worse. 0.66

01:56:41.000 Were you licking it?

01:56:42.000 I was obviously doing all of the things.

01:56:45.000 Okay.

01:56:45.000 All of the things.

01:56:47.000 Yeah.

01:56:47.000 But I went to a musical.

01:56:48.000 He was in Bye Bye Birdie.

01:56:49.000 Very delightful.

01:56:50.000 Very talented, man.

01:56:51.000 And then I went to a couple others, but they are...

01:56:53.000 I fell asleep in the other ones.

01:56:55.000 They're ruthless.

01:56:56.000 And the intermission kills me.

01:56:58.000 It's like, why don't we just get it done?

01:56:59.000 Let's just go straight through.

01:57:01.000 I think I would have liked to see the Book of Mormon.

01:57:03.000 That's the exception.

01:57:06.000 I saw that.

01:57:07.000 It's awesome.

01:57:07.000 Yeah, I would imagine.

01:57:09.000 They're geniuses.

01:57:10.000 Those guys are geniuses.

01:57:11.000 It's just really well-read, too.

01:57:13.000 Well-written, rather.

01:57:14.000 It's really funny.

01:57:15.000 It's a really good story.

01:57:16.000 And they have information in there.

01:57:18.000 They obviously did their homework.

01:57:19.000 But I saw Cats once when I was on a date.

01:57:22.000 I was probably like 19. Fuck that. 1.00

01:57:24.000 Fuck cats in general. 1.00

01:57:25.000 Cats are scary in real life. 1.00

01:57:27.000 Why do you want to go see them sing?

01:57:28.000 And they're standing upright.

01:57:29.000 That's a nightmare.

01:57:30.000 You're a dog person, not a cat person.

01:57:32.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:57:33.000 I would like a hairless cat.

01:57:34.000 I would like a sphinx.

01:57:34.000 I think they're cool.

01:57:35.000 They shit in a box in your house. 0.99

01:57:37.000 Perfect, so do I. I'm going to change my toilet to be Roman. 1.00

01:57:40.000 Fuck you, I'm going to shit in a box. 1.00

01:57:42.000 Ah, a bucket. 1.00

01:57:42.000 Yeah, they shit in a box, but that's a great thing. 1.00

01:57:44.000 It's gross. 1.00

01:57:45.000 Sometimes my dogs crap on the carpet if they're, you know, irritable.

01:57:48.000 But cats are weird, man.

01:57:49.000 Cats, I don't know if you can trust a cat.

01:57:51.000 You can trust some cats.

01:57:52.000 You have a couple cats, don't you? 1.00

01:57:54.000 You've got a fucking zoo. 1.00

01:57:55.000 I'm so jealous. 1.00

01:57:57.000 I want to come over and just pet everything in your house.

01:57:59.000 Two of my dogs died recently.

01:58:00.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:58:01.000 Within the last, I guess it was probably almost a year now.

01:58:04.000 Was Marshall sad?

01:58:06.000 He didn't understand what was going on.

01:58:08.000 He looks like he's just pure joy and happy.

01:58:10.000 He is.

01:58:10.000 All the time.

01:58:11.000 He's the happiest dog I've ever seen.

01:58:12.000 He brings me joy.

01:58:13.000 I just started following him on Instagram.

01:58:14.000 He's so happy.

01:58:15.000 I follow your dog on Instagram.

01:58:17.000 He's my buddy.

01:58:18.000 It's so weird.

01:58:20.000 You can see you guys have a straight bond.

01:58:23.000 He's so affectionate.

01:58:24.000 Do you run him off leash in the morning when you go?

01:58:25.000 Oh yeah.

01:58:26.000 No tick issue?

01:58:28.000 No, he's got tick medication that he's taken, but we have caught him with a couple of ticks on him. 1.00

01:58:34.000 With all that luxurious hair, those ticks are probably like, we struck gold, bitch! 1.00

01:58:38.000 He loves it, though. 0.99

01:58:40.000 He's never seen anything in his pure joy as that dog is running through the canyons.

01:58:45.000 He just loves it.

01:58:46.000 He's so happy.

01:58:47.000 How do you keep him so clean?

01:58:48.000 I mean, I know you got that Joe Rogan experience money, but he is luxurious.

01:58:51.000 It's called water.

01:58:53.000 Well, I mean, everyone else pet owners have water and I've seen these mangled beasts.

01:58:57.000 People won't take care of their animals.

01:58:58.000 They really don't.

01:58:59.000 And they wonder why they lash out.

01:59:01.000 Marshall's not, like, for cats when you die, cats will start eating your face in like 16 hours.

01:59:06.000 Dogs wait about a week.

01:59:07.000 I don't think they'll wait that long.

01:59:08.000 Yeah, they probably don't even wait that long.

01:59:09.000 Dogs wait about a week.

01:59:10.000 They love you a little bit more.

01:59:12.000 They won't eat you right away.

01:59:13.000 I don't even know if Marshall would eat you.

01:59:15.000 I think he'd wait.

01:59:15.000 Probably wouldn't even know what you were.

01:59:16.000 Probably wouldn't understand it.

01:59:18.000 He would just keep throwing balls at you.

01:59:20.000 Just rolling them over to you.

01:59:21.000 He would just whine.

01:59:22.000 He woke me up yesterday. 0.97

01:59:24.000 It was fucking really annoying. 0.99

01:59:26.000 Whining you? 0.99

01:59:26.000 He just decides to get up. 0.99

01:59:28.000 Like, I got home from the comedy store at like 2 and then I watched some goofy...

01:59:33.000 I've been on this UFO documentary kick.

01:59:36.000 Watching UFO documentaries?

01:59:38.000 Yeah, I told you it was David.

01:59:39.000 I started talking about it.

01:59:41.000 Yeah, we were talking about that.

01:59:42.000 Did you have something specific that you saw recently in the documentary?

01:59:45.000 Yeah, two of them.

01:59:45.000 One of them is Area 51, Bob Lazar and Area 51 and Flying Saucers.

01:59:52.000 It's some...

01:59:53.000 A documentary on this guy who claimed that he worked on these alien ships in Area 51 in the 1980s.

02:00:01.000 That gave me chills.

02:00:02.000 As time's gone on, more of the things that he said have proven to actually be true.

02:00:07.000 Like what?

02:00:08.000 Including an element that he talked about.

02:00:10.000 Element 115, I think it was called.

02:00:12.000 Like an organism from outer space?

02:00:14.000 No, no, no.

02:00:14.000 An element.

02:00:15.000 Like a man-created element.

02:00:16.000 You know, like this carbon.

02:00:17.000 Right.

02:00:18.000 Yeah.

02:00:18.000 Well, there's an element that they created that he talked about way before it was ever publicized.

02:00:24.000 And he talked about this thing, and then it turned out to be true.

02:00:27.000 He talked about these...

02:00:28.000 There's these hand monitors.

02:00:33.000 You would put your hand on this thing, and these lines, these metal lines would detect the distances...

02:00:39.000 In the bones of your fingers, the exact distances, and everyone is different.

02:00:43.000 It's like a signature thing.

02:00:45.000 And that they could find out if it was you or not you that was trying to go through.

02:00:49.000 So the way they would scan people, the bioscan, would literally measure the bones in their fingers. 0.95

02:00:53.000 And people said that was horseshit. 0.95

02:00:55.000 That's wild. 0.97

02:00:55.000 We talked about this in the 1980s. 0.97

02:00:56.000 People said it was horseshit, but then later on, it turned out, no, they did have that in Los Alamos.

02:01:01.000 They did have that in Area 51. And that this technology was very, very... 0.63

02:01:09.000 Advanced?

02:01:10.000 Not just very advanced, but it was not well known at all.

02:01:14.000 Very few people did.

02:01:15.000 This guy who was the creator of this documentary, it was very difficult for them to get photos of this hand scanner.

02:01:20.000 But this hand scanner did exist and existed exactly as this guy described it.

02:01:25.000 In the 80s?

02:01:26.000 I mean, that's super progressive for that time.

02:01:28.000 There's also people that did approve his top secret clearance to get to this place.

02:01:32.000 They know that he actually worked there.

02:01:34.000 There's people that worked in the same Los Alamos lab with him.

02:01:39.000 They tried to say he never worked there, but his name's on the manifest.

02:01:42.000 It's very strange.

02:01:43.000 It's like they've tried to erase parts of this guy's past because he filmed a bunch of their crafts as they were flying around.

02:01:50.000 He knew what days.

02:01:52.000 This is the thing.

02:01:53.000 That thing right there, you put your hand on that and it actually measures the distance of the size and length of your bones.

02:01:59.000 That looks like something that's inside of an escape room in LA. It does!

02:02:03.000 It's hilarious!

02:02:04.000 It's so true!

02:02:06.000 Doesn't it?

02:02:07.000 I went into this documentary skeptical.

02:02:09.000 As you should.

02:02:10.000 Yeah, but I'm so done with all those things.

02:02:13.000 But listen to this guy talk for a while.

02:02:15.000 After a while, I was like, what if he's telling the truth?

02:02:19.000 Like, what if he is actually telling the truth?

02:02:21.000 Because if he's actually telling the truth, there is some part of the government that had access, at least in the 1980s, to alien technology.

02:02:30.000 I mean, it probably is.

02:02:32.000 There probably is some truth to that.

02:02:33.000 Crazier things have happened.

02:02:34.000 And also, like, just your mentality of believing him is probably the same thing that made Dr. Malachi Lovejoy Robinson III become successful.

02:02:42.000 A con artist?

02:02:43.000 Yeah.

02:02:44.000 I mean, either this dude, there's validity of what he's saying in this documentary, which I can't wait to watch, or he's just really great at painting a picture.

02:02:51.000 Some people are so good at convincing you of truths.

02:02:56.000 There's people with borderline personality disorder and every sort of spectrum in between there.

02:03:01.000 They become really good manipulators.

02:03:03.000 That is true.

02:03:04.000 However, usually they do that in more than one avenue.

02:03:08.000 Absolutely.

02:03:09.000 And this guy's not doing that.

02:03:10.000 Yeah, so if it's just a documentary, then...

02:03:12.000 Yeah, it also hasn't varied his story.

02:03:14.000 I mean, he might have changed the way he says things in terms of the words he chooses, but the actual story is exactly the same as he was telling a long time ago.

02:03:23.000 Is this a self-produced documentary?

02:03:25.000 No.

02:03:25.000 Or is there a production company involved?

02:03:26.000 No, a production company involved.

02:03:27.000 See, that's where it's like, hmm, okay, there's probably some validity to this.

02:03:29.000 But this guy's been around for a long time.

02:03:31.000 I remember reading about him and watching videos about him, you know, 20 years ago.

02:03:35.000 I mean, don't you think you're somebody who, you said, you know, and I know this about you, you love space.

02:03:39.000 You're obsessed with that, the idea of what we are in the solar system and beyond.

02:03:45.000 Like, how impossible is it to...

02:03:47.000 Think that there could be a creature that could breach our atmosphere with some advanced technology and be able to just sort of chill, you know, scoot around, scoot, scoots, magoots, check us out, and fucking peace out back up to wherever they're from.

02:04:00.000 I don't think that's how they would do it, but yeah, I know what you're saying.

02:04:03.000 You know exactly.

02:04:04.000 They scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot.

02:04:06.000 Yeah, they just kind of cruise around, you know.

02:04:08.000 They're looking at us.

02:04:09.000 Well, he had an interesting analogy.

02:04:11.000 He said, if you brought an atomic engine to these people that live in the Victorian era and said, hey, this is a nuclear power plant.

02:04:23.000 Like, here, check this out. 0.99

02:04:25.000 They would fuck with it. 1.00

02:04:27.000 They'd wind up getting sick from radiation. 1.00

02:04:28.000 They'd wind up dying.

02:04:30.000 No one would understand what it was or how it worked.

02:04:32.000 They would never figure it out.

02:04:34.000 He goes, why would we assume that this is...

02:04:38.000 Only from that one time with this one device.

02:04:42.000 Why wouldn't we assume that there'd be some other technology that maybe we'll create someday in the future?

02:04:47.000 I'm paraphrasing him very poorly.

02:04:49.000 Yes, it's okay.

02:04:49.000 Or someone else from another planet would create that we wouldn't understand at all.

02:04:54.000 And he said that's what we were dealing with when we were trying to back-engineer the propulsion systems that these things use.

02:04:59.000 They use some gravity-based propulsion system.

02:05:03.000 And it was something that would manipulate gravity in front of...

02:05:05.000 It's very...

02:05:06.000 Look, I don't... 0.99

02:05:07.000 I'm too stupid to know the science of it. 0.99

02:05:10.000 I don't know if he's... 1.00

02:05:10.000 Like, if you were a scientist... 1.00

02:05:12.000 You're a scientist.

02:05:12.000 You're supposed to know these things.

02:05:14.000 Not yet.

02:05:14.000 I have to get my degree.

02:05:15.000 Joseph Rogan.

02:05:15.000 I need to get a degree so I can call myself a doctor.

02:05:18.000 You should.

02:05:19.000 I just want to get an honorary one like Cosby had.

02:05:24.000 It's gone now.

02:05:25.000 He doesn't have it anymore. 0.99

02:05:27.000 They took that shit back. 0.99

02:05:27.000 The honorary ones they could take back. 0.99

02:05:28.000 Yeah, take them back.

02:05:30.000 He can't keep those.

02:05:31.000 Yeah.

02:05:31.000 He can't keep that.

02:05:32.000 Actually, I think he wrote an essay, and that's how they gave him his doctorate. 0.77

02:05:36.000 I mean, gross.

02:05:37.000 Probably got more than one doctorate. 0.72

02:05:39.000 I'm sure he did, and he didn't deserve them.

02:05:41.000 But I think, I mean, there's got to be stuff out there.

02:05:44.000 Oh, 100%.

02:05:45.000 100%.

02:05:46.000 But I like to say there's not.

02:05:49.000 It's like, eh, stop.

02:05:51.000 You think this is just it?

02:05:52.000 No, no, I don't think it is.

02:05:53.000 But it is entirely possible...

02:05:57.000 I use that phrase too often.

02:05:59.000 And it's entirely possible?

02:06:00.000 Yeah.

02:06:00.000 You've got to get a mash-up of all of those.

02:06:03.000 Oh, it's already out there.

02:06:05.000 It's hilarious.

02:06:06.000 There's like 150,000 of them.

02:06:09.000 That needs to be on a shirt. 0.62

02:06:10.000 It's possible that we're the most advanced.

02:06:13.000 It is a possibility.

02:06:14.000 Because something has to be the most advanced.

02:06:16.000 Absolutely, and something has to be the least.

02:06:17.000 We could also be on that part of the spectrum.

02:06:20.000 Maybe we're the last to evolve.

02:06:21.000 It's 100% possible.

02:06:24.000 If there's an infinite number of life forms out there, like if there's an infinite number of planets, and there's an infinite number of Earth-like planets that can have beings like us on it, It's

02:06:56.000 possible.

02:06:59.000 Because we're just basing it off of our own experience and perception of what we have been exposed to.

02:07:04.000 We have no idea.

02:07:05.000 You know, the other really interesting scenario is that they're time travelers.

02:07:10.000 Oh! 0.60

02:07:11.000 That's really exciting to think about.

02:07:14.000 What they are is some being from the far distant future that understands that they could come back and observe us and see where things went wrong, where things went right, but do so in a way that's as minimally intrusive as possible and occasionally interfere.

02:07:29.000 That gives me chills.

02:07:30.000 That freaks me out. 0.99

02:07:31.000 Once you start fucking with time and our perception of it and how it exists and being able to hop along that spectrum of it, it freaks me the fuck out. 0.98

02:07:41.000 There's this movie I saw called A Ghost Story, and it's not a horror movie. 0.97

02:07:45.000 It's kind of about that.

02:07:46.000 Is that Patrick Swayze?

02:07:47.000 No!

02:07:48.000 No.

02:07:48.000 It's Casey Affleck in Rooney Mara, I think.

02:07:51.000 Rooney Mara.

02:07:53.000 Whoopi Goldberg wasn't in it?

02:07:54.000 No, that's Ghost.

02:07:56.000 Oh, I miss Patrick Swayze so much.

02:07:58.000 Do you miss him?

02:07:58.000 I miss him.

02:07:59.000 He's one of those actors I love.

02:08:00.000 If you could bring Patrick Swayze back and take away your full house boy, who would you?

02:08:06.000 How dare you?

02:08:07.000 What's his name again?

02:08:09.000 Joseph Nathaniel Rogan.

02:08:13.000 I don't know his name.

02:08:20.000 I mean, that's a tough call.

02:08:22.000 I mean, Swayze gave us...

02:08:24.000 He gave us Dirty Dancing.

02:08:26.000 He gave us...

02:08:27.000 Look at that face.

02:08:28.000 Beautiful face.

02:08:29.000 What a beautiful man.

02:08:30.000 He could move those hips. 0.86

02:08:32.000 That was when he was a surfer.

02:08:33.000 Remember?

02:08:33.000 That was Point Break.

02:08:34.000 Yeah, he was the rebel surfer.

02:08:36.000 Dude, do you remember the video on Saturday Night Live of him and Chris Farley doing the Chippendales audition?

02:08:42.000 Iconic.

02:08:43.000 That's iconic comedy.

02:08:44.000 That is like such a great crossroads between beauty...

02:08:48.000 Look at him.

02:08:49.000 And the Beast.

02:08:50.000 Him and Chris Farley.

02:08:51.000 Chris Farley put it all out on the table during the sketch.

02:08:55.000 It is so funny.

02:08:56.000 I miss, I really do miss Patrick Swayze.

02:08:59.000 It's crazy that he was so fit, but yet he smoked cigarettes.

02:09:02.000 He did?

02:09:02.000 Did he really?

02:09:04.000 Yeah, he died of cancer.

02:09:05.000 He probably smoked cigarettes to stay fit.

02:09:07.000 Some people get stuck in that, you know, they are afraid of letting it go because they think it helps with their physique and maintaining the look.

02:09:15.000 Oh, you mean...

02:09:16.000 A lot of models do that. 1.00

02:09:17.000 Staying skinny.

02:09:18.000 Yeah.

02:09:18.000 Because, you know, it's an upper.

02:09:20.000 Yeah.

02:09:20.000 Increases your heart rate and all that and whatnot.

02:09:22.000 It also kills your appetite, I think.

02:09:24.000 Totally.

02:09:25.000 It kills your taste buds.

02:09:26.000 You can't taste anything.

02:09:27.000 Everything is destroyed. 0.99

02:09:29.000 Including ass. 0.99

02:09:29.000 Maybe you should smoke. 0.99

02:09:30.000 That's the only way you should lick ass is by smoking cigarettes so you don't taste it. 1.00

02:09:33.000 Imagine if it kept you from getting those brain cysts. 1.00

02:09:35.000 Like, you have to choose.

02:09:37.000 God, this is brutal, dude!

02:09:39.000 You're making me lose Stamos and get hookworm?

02:09:42.000 I'm just saying, Stamos or Swayze?

02:09:44.000 Stamos all day, bro.

02:09:46.000 Really?

02:09:46.000 Stamos for life.

02:09:47.000 Wow.

02:09:47.000 Sorry, Swayze.

02:09:48.000 See you on the other side.

02:09:49.000 Whoopi and I will be messaging you later.

02:09:51.000 Stop for a moment and really reconsider what you're saying.

02:09:55.000 Think about the great films that Swayze provided us with.

02:09:58.000 Okay, I will say... 1.00

02:10:00.000 You fucking selfish bitch. 1.00

02:10:01.000 I will say... 1.00

02:10:02.000 Oh, no!

02:10:05.000 All of mankind's entertainment falls on my shoulders?

02:10:07.000 Dude, Roadhouse.

02:10:09.000 I know!

02:10:10.000 I know!

02:10:11.000 And, like, also, you know...

02:10:13.000 Roadhouse.

02:10:13.000 Now I feel bad.

02:10:15.000 Well, when you look at his IMDB... Come on, dude!

02:10:18.000 Pull out that poster for Roadhouse, please.

02:10:20.000 You're either going through 10 seasons of Full House or Roadhouse.

02:10:23.000 You have a choice.

02:10:24.000 Either Full House or Roadhouse.

02:10:26.000 Oh no!

02:10:27.000 It's Full House or Roadhouse.

02:10:29.000 Dude.

02:10:30.000 I mean, okay.

02:10:32.000 Red Dawn.

02:10:32.000 Indulgently and selfishly, it's Stamos, but on an overall spectrum, it's Swayze all day.

02:10:37.000 For mankind.

02:10:38.000 For mankind.

02:10:38.000 Yeah.

02:10:39.000 I'm sorry, Caitlin.

02:10:40.000 I'm going to have to go with Swayze.

02:10:42.000 Swayze all day.

02:10:43.000 That's what we said we were going to start doing, Jamie, is doing fight companions for terrible movies.

02:10:50.000 Swayze against Stamos?

02:10:51.000 We should get barbecued and play showgirls.

02:10:55.000 That just had its 25th anniversary.

02:10:57.000 You have to.

02:10:59.000 People don't even know.

02:11:00.000 Dude, Showgirls is a cult classic.

02:11:02.000 It's an amazingly bad movie.

02:11:04.000 It's so epically bad.

02:11:06.000 It's kind of like how I felt when I watched The Dirt recently.

02:11:09.000 It ended this gal's career. 1.00

02:11:11.000 It did it?

02:11:12.000 Basically.

02:11:13.000 No.

02:11:14.000 Not at all.

02:11:15.000 Didn't it?

02:11:15.000 No.

02:11:16.000 Did she take off after that? 0.99

02:11:17.000 She stayed pretty plateaued. 0.75

02:11:20.000 But she was on her way to being a gigantic superstar.

02:11:23.000 She was the star of this movie.

02:11:25.000 She's super hot. 1.00

02:11:27.000 She's half naked. 0.80

02:11:27.000 I think she took this movie... 0.80

02:11:29.000 I'm speculating, but I thought she took this movie because it was going to be the next thing and it ended up being such a...

02:11:36.000 Such a brutal failure that maybe...

02:11:41.000 I don't know.

02:11:41.000 It's so good.

02:11:42.000 It's so bad it's good.

02:11:43.000 It's crazy.

02:11:44.000 And it's got great actors in it too.

02:11:46.000 Like Kyle MacLachlan.

02:11:49.000 That guy's a great actor.

02:11:51.000 She's not a bad actress either.

02:11:54.000 Gina Gershon.

02:11:55.000 She's amazing.

02:11:56.000 She was in Bye Bye Birdie with Stamos on Broadway.

02:11:58.000 She was amazing.

02:11:59.000 What's the cast?

02:12:01.000 Scroll back all the way up to the top.

02:12:02.000 That is a great cast.

02:12:03.000 Just go to the all, not just images.

02:12:05.000 I mean, her body was amazing in this, obviously. 0.97

02:12:08.000 Yeah.

02:12:09.000 It's kind of like, remember Demi Moore when she did that stripper movie as well?

02:12:13.000 Oh, I thought you were going to say G.I. Jane.

02:12:15.000 Oh, she was amazing in G.I. Jane.

02:12:17.000 But didn't Demi Moore do a stripper movie too? 1.00

02:12:19.000 My favorite part in G.I. Jane, Elizabeth Berkley.

02:12:21.000 My favorite part in G.I. Jane was when she says, suck my dick. 1.00

02:12:23.000 I was like, hmm. 1.00

02:12:24.000 I need to put that on a t-shirt now. 1.00

02:12:27.000 She said, suck my dick in that movie? 1.00

02:12:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:29.000 Yeah, she was on her way to being a Navy SEAL. Remember? 1.00

02:12:32.000 Oh, that's great.

02:12:33.000 She's doing all the G.I. Jane. 0.92

02:12:34.000 She's going through boot camps. 1.00

02:12:35.000 Suck my dick! 1.00

02:12:36.000 I remember those like... 1.00

02:12:37.000 She says, suck my dick. 1.00

02:12:39.000 Strip tees. 1.00

02:12:39.000 Strip tees! 1.00

02:12:41.000 Dude, Demi Moore's body in strip tees was all the things. 1.00

02:12:47.000 She was so banging in that movie. 1.00

02:12:49.000 She's so beautiful.

02:12:49.000 How do you remember?

02:12:51.000 Does this movie burn into your head?

02:12:53.000 It's just one of those movies that I remember.

02:12:56.000 She was jacked in that movie. 0.53

02:12:59.000 And dancing very awkwardly.

02:13:01.000 The very awkward stripper dance that happened.

02:13:04.000 What's going on with that outfit?

02:13:05.000 That looks like she belongs on a wedding cake. 1.00

02:13:07.000 That's like something on a television show.

02:13:09.000 It looks like Telemundo.

02:13:11.000 What do you think she's doing these days? 1.00

02:13:14.000 Some people get super, super famous with her everywhere and then they go, I'm done.

02:13:18.000 I think she's just chilling.

02:13:19.000 You think so?

02:13:20.000 I hope so.

02:13:21.000 I hope she's just chilling and just kind of, you know, what, what, what, what she can do another movie? 0.91

02:13:26.000 Maybe.

02:13:27.000 Maybe an indie?

02:13:27.000 Is that okay?

02:13:28.000 What are you saying?

02:13:28.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:13:29.000 Maybe she should do an indie.

02:13:29.000 Why'd she have to do an indie?

02:13:30.000 I don't know, because it would tap into a different era we haven't seen in her career.

02:13:34.000 Well, you're a manager now?

02:13:34.000 You're a manager and a doctor?

02:13:35.000 You're asking me where she is.

02:13:37.000 She's taking a break.

02:13:38.000 You know, we got a couple projects on the table.

02:13:40.000 I don't know what you're saying.

02:13:42.000 I don't know what she's going to do.

02:13:43.000 I don't know either.

02:13:44.000 I didn't expect you to defend yourself that way. 1.00

02:13:49.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:13:50.000 Maybe she's going to do an indie? 1.00

02:13:52.000 I don't know.

02:13:53.000 And I'm like, no one's pressuring you, Jessie Mae.

02:13:55.000 This is marijuana.

02:13:56.000 You're still high.

02:13:57.000 It's three hours later.

02:13:58.000 I've been high for four days.

02:13:59.000 Who's your celebrity crush?

02:14:01.000 I don't have one.

02:14:01.000 You don't?

02:14:02.000 No, I'm good.

02:14:03.000 You don't have like a fantasy chick? 0.76

02:14:07.000 No.

02:14:07.000 Maybe Madonna from the 80s.

02:14:09.000 Wow.

02:14:10.000 She was young.

02:14:11.000 Bold choice.

02:14:12.000 Pointy bra.

02:14:13.000 But also, you know that she was never going to get hooked on you.

02:14:16.000 She'd take off. 0.57

02:14:16.000 Yeah. 0.57

02:14:17.000 You'd be like, yeah, okay.

02:14:18.000 Non-committal.

02:14:19.000 Go do your thing.

02:14:19.000 Take care.

02:14:22.000 I liked her because I knew she wouldn't like me.

02:14:25.000 Yeah, I knew she wouldn't like me for long.

02:14:27.000 That's a real strategy that some men employ.

02:14:30.000 Like, this one's not going to last.

02:14:31.000 It's great.

02:14:32.000 That's an honest answer.

02:14:34.000 Yeah.

02:14:34.000 It really is.

02:14:35.000 Yeah, that's the allure of the positive, independent woman. 1.00

02:14:40.000 Powerful, positive, independent woman.

02:14:42.000 She's not needy.

02:14:43.000 She's not going to need me.

02:14:44.000 Yeah, she's not needy at all.

02:14:46.000 She's like, yeah, well, see ya.

02:14:47.000 There she is. 0.99

02:14:48.000 Dirty. 0.98

02:14:49.000 Yeah, look at that outfit. 1.00

02:14:50.000 That's Madonna from the... 0.91

02:14:51.000 That's all real, too.

02:14:53.000 Oh, yeah.

02:14:53.000 That's from her closet, for sure.

02:14:55.000 She's in, like, dude's briefs and some, like, doilies on her legs. 1.00

02:14:59.000 And apparently she liked the fuck, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:15:01.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:15:02.000 She liked to smash. 1.00

02:15:03.000 She had Warren Beatty, Sean Penn, bad boys.

02:15:06.000 Did you see this movie that this is the three identical strangers movie?

02:15:10.000 Yeah, these are the twins that that documentary is about.

02:15:12.000 You haven't seen Three Identical Strangers?

02:15:14.000 No, I heard it's amazing.

02:15:15.000 I almost brought it up the other day because you guys started talking about something.

02:15:18.000 I forget which podcast it was.

02:15:20.000 This movie sort of bleeds into, not spoiler alert, because this movie's been out for a little bit.

02:15:23.000 We can't spoil it, right? 0.99

02:15:25.000 Genetic testing type shit. 0.99

02:15:26.000 Back in the day, in the 50s, right? 1.00

02:15:29.000 They were doing it in the 50s and 60s in an orphanage.

02:15:33.000 Yeah, I need to find some time to watch that because everybody recommends it. 0.99

02:15:37.000 Just when you think, like, a revelation happens and you're like, what the fuck? 0.95

02:15:42.000 And then another one happens, you're like, this has got to stop. 1.00

02:15:45.000 Damn. 0.99

02:15:46.000 And then you're just like, holy hell. 0.99

02:15:47.000 And then it's just a thing where if somebody wants to get something done, sometimes they take really drastic measures.

02:15:54.000 It's selfish and it's terrible and it breaks all ethical, you know, rules, but...

02:16:00.000 I don't know.

02:16:01.000 Did they do it?

02:16:02.000 Well, we're spoiling an alert.

02:16:03.000 It's fine.

02:16:04.000 It's been out for a while.

02:16:05.000 Did they do it as an experiment on these guys on purpose?

02:16:08.000 Yes.

02:16:08.000 There was a psychologist who wanted to find out stuff.

02:16:11.000 Who was running an orphanage?

02:16:14.000 Running an orphanage and withholding information from the families.

02:16:18.000 Oh my gosh.

02:16:19.000 Just to find out how it would work out?

02:16:21.000 What they were doing was nature versus nurture.

02:16:24.000 They were seeing what effects it has on a child based on how it's raised.

02:16:31.000 Also by the socioeconomic status of the family, about the neighborhood it's in, about the type of unit, the love, all of those factors, and what results it has on the individual, right?

02:16:42.000 Wouldn't you say, Jamie, that's kind of...

02:16:44.000 And the data, they have a bunch of data apparently somewhere and it never came out.

02:16:48.000 It's missing.

02:16:49.000 It's gone.

02:16:49.000 The files are just gone.

02:16:51.000 It disappeared.

02:16:52.000 Years of them basically ruining the lives of children and the effects of that is just dissipated into thin air.

02:16:58.000 It's such a heartbreaking story.

02:17:00.000 But it's also very interesting.

02:17:03.000 And that's what I'm saying.

02:17:03.000 How would you ever...

02:17:04.000 Not that that needs to happen, but there is a question.

02:17:08.000 I mean, you're a father.

02:17:09.000 How would you find out unless someone did something like that?

02:17:11.000 Right.

02:17:11.000 You would just guess.

02:17:13.000 I mean, we could look at all the things that are happening in society, especially with mass shooters and people who commit these random acts of violence and go back to their upbringing and their rearing.

02:17:21.000 I'm pretty sure I would take a gander and a guess that they probably weren't raised with the most amount of love.

02:17:26.000 There's certain things that you don't really know how it's going to work out until you experiment.

02:17:32.000 Yeah.

02:17:32.000 Yeah, and that's what I was saying.

02:17:33.000 Like, it's a little brutal, but...

02:17:35.000 Right.

02:17:35.000 Well, people are scared of that kind of thinking, because that's where Hitler came from.

02:17:37.000 Yeah.

02:17:38.000 That kind of thinking.

02:17:39.000 Yeah.

02:17:39.000 Like, I mean, you hear about some of the experiments they did on people?

02:17:42.000 Oh, man.

02:17:43.000 That was just scary.

02:17:45.000 This doctor supposedly, I think, came in with the Operation Paperclip group of scientists.

02:17:49.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:17:49.000 No way.

02:17:50.000 He goes that deep into it.

02:17:50.000 Oh, my God.

02:17:51.000 That's horrible. 1.00

02:17:52.000 It's pretty fucked up. 1.00

02:17:54.000 It's, you know... 0.99

02:17:55.000 Operation...

02:17:55.000 Do you know what Operation Paperclip was?

02:17:57.000 Wasn't that something like a Hitler thing back in the day with babies? 0.96

02:18:00.000 Yeah.

02:18:00.000 No, no, no.

02:18:01.000 It was Nazi scientists that were taken from World War II. So the United States took Nazi scientists, including Wernher von Braun, who was the head of NASA, and a bunch of other scientists and all these Nazis that were working for Germany, making rockets and involved in high-level science. 0.65

02:18:19.000 I never heard about that.

02:18:20.000 They brought them over to America and sort of whitewashed the whole thing. 0.99

02:18:23.000 They called it Operation Paperclip.

02:18:25.000 Holy hell. 0.99

02:18:26.000 Wernher von Braun, when he was at the head of NASA, he was a fucking legitimate Nazi. 0.99

02:18:30.000 The Simon Wiesenthal Center said that if he was alive today, they would prosecute him for crimes against humanity. 0.97

02:18:35.000 I feel like there's still a sprinkling of people in there from that sort of background.

02:18:42.000 They've chased those guys down to the far ends of the earth and caught a bunch of them.

02:18:46.000 Those are very powerful positions to be in, to have that sort of mentality driving it. 0.99

02:18:51.000 That's scary as fuck. 0.99

02:18:52.000 For sure. 1.00

02:18:53.000 You know what's really crazy is Argentina.

02:18:55.000 Argentina and South America, a lot of Nazis went to Argentina and South America.

02:19:01.000 They fled Germany.

02:19:02.000 And Tim Kennedy, who's a good friend of mine, who's a former UFC fighter, who's a soldier, he was on a show called Finding Hitler, where there was...

02:19:12.000 There's been speculation over the years because so many Nazis landed in South America that Hitler had escaped and lived out his life protected by these other Nazis in these South American towns.

02:19:28.000 People think that?

02:19:30.000 Dude, there's towns in South America where all they do is speak German.

02:19:34.000 They have Oktoberfest.

02:19:36.000 They have photographs on their walls of their grandfather in SS garb.

02:19:41.000 That is very, very scary.

02:19:43.000 Oh, dude, it's crazy.

02:19:44.000 That's very scary.

02:19:44.000 He blew me away.

02:19:45.000 When he was telling me about this, and he's a no-nonsense guy, so when he's explaining, he's like, you've got to understand, you're coming to these towns, everyone is German.

02:19:54.000 Oh, my God.

02:19:55.000 They all look like Germans. 1.00

02:19:57.000 They all talk German.

02:19:59.000 They all have German houses and German-style stuff in their house.

02:20:06.000 That's bizarre.

02:20:07.000 I mean, that had to be what happened.

02:20:09.000 I'm a believer.

02:20:10.000 No, no.

02:20:12.000 Maybe not what happened to Hitler.

02:20:13.000 They're pretty sure that Hitler died.

02:20:14.000 But I'm sure they relocated.

02:20:16.000 That's definitely what happened.

02:20:17.000 No, they did.

02:20:18.000 See if you can find that.

02:20:19.000 Yeah, Jamie will find something.

02:20:21.000 Dude, it'll blow you away.

02:20:22.000 This is South America.

02:20:23.000 Look, it looks like a German town.

02:20:25.000 It does look like a German town.

02:20:26.000 Dude, it's crazy. 1.00

02:20:28.000 There's a whole village of these fucking people. 1.00

02:20:30.000 I mean... 1.00

02:20:30.000 And there's not just one. 1.00

02:20:32.000 There's many, many of these little pockets...

02:20:34.000 That looks like an Oktoberfest bar.

02:20:37.000 That's really bizarre.

02:20:38.000 I mean, that one looks a little Japanese.

02:20:40.000 Well, there's videos, though, where it's really crazy.

02:20:42.000 They're drinking out of Steins and, like, the whole deal.

02:20:45.000 That's really wild.

02:20:46.000 Dude, it's crazy.

02:20:48.000 Well, obviously we couldn't get them all.

02:20:49.000 I mean, they had to flee somewhere.

02:20:51.000 Yeah.

02:20:51.000 And they're going to set up shop, make it their homogenous.

02:20:55.000 They saw the shit was about to hit the fan. 0.99

02:20:57.000 They said, listen, I know a place. 1.00

02:20:59.000 We can get some cool margaritas. 0.99

02:21:01.000 We can catch some fucking toasty waves. 0.99

02:21:02.000 Cool margaritas! 0.99

02:21:04.000 Let's do it.

02:21:05.000 Y'all want a day drink?

02:21:06.000 Let's bring Oktoberfest to South America.

02:21:08.000 Come on, bro.

02:21:11.000 That's wild.

02:21:12.000 I never knew that.

02:21:13.000 Oh, yeah.

02:21:13.000 I didn't know it either.

02:21:15.000 It's crazy.

02:21:16.000 That is really crazy.

02:21:17.000 Jesse, man, I think there's too much to know.

02:21:19.000 There is too much to know, but that's one of the great things about the stuff you talk about on this is you got just like a plethora of information. 0.89

02:21:25.000 Useless. 0.87

02:21:26.000 Most of it's useless. 1.00

02:21:27.000 Most of it's useless. 0.93

02:21:28.000 I don't know if it's useless. 0.80

02:21:30.000 Wasting time.

02:21:31.000 It's useless if you don't do anything with it.

02:21:33.000 Dude, I've been taking CBD with THC. Oh, that's great.

02:21:37.000 THC delivers it.

02:21:38.000 Got a bit of a problem.

02:21:39.000 What's the matter?

02:21:40.000 I've been high every day for the last six days.

02:21:42.000 Same.

02:21:42.000 I pop these little tablets in the morning.

02:21:45.000 It's CBD and THC. It's not a lot of CBD. One to one?

02:21:49.000 Yeah, it's one to one.

02:21:50.000 Perfect.

02:21:51.000 It's amazing.

02:21:52.000 Yeah, they work with each other and the THC helps deliver the CBD and vice versa.

02:21:57.000 You feel it?

02:21:57.000 I feel great.

02:21:58.000 Yeah, you feel balanced.

02:21:59.000 You feel energized, clear.

02:22:02.000 I don't know about you.

02:22:02.000 I feel clear.

02:22:03.000 No problem in terms of feeling foggy or fatigued.

02:22:07.000 It's just the right amount. 0.99

02:22:08.000 But I fucked up and took one an hour before I went to bed last night. 0.99

02:22:12.000 I went to bed at a sensible time. 0.99

02:22:13.000 I knew I was going to do a podcast with Jessie Mae.

02:22:15.000 I did as well.

02:22:15.000 I want to be awake and fresh.

02:22:17.000 And then I got you baked.

02:22:19.000 That's fine.

02:22:20.000 But I went to bed and I had taken one like an hour or so before I was in bed.

02:22:25.000 I woke up 2 o'clock in the morning.

02:22:27.000 Bang! 1.00

02:22:28.000 Ready to go.

02:22:29.000 Freight train fill of ideas.

02:22:31.000 Was it panic or did you write some stuff down?

02:22:34.000 I wrote.

02:22:34.000 That's cool.

02:22:35.000 I keep my laptop right now by the bed.

02:22:37.000 I started doing that too.

02:22:39.000 Just near in the bathroom next to the bed.

02:22:41.000 Yeah.

02:22:42.000 I literally, if usually everyone's asleep, I grab the laptop and I just go into the other room and I just start writing.

02:22:49.000 But I keep it in the bag.

02:22:50.000 I put it right by my bed.

02:22:51.000 So if I have an idea in my head, twice I've written bits that came out to be like real legitimate bits because an idea came to me while I was lying there and I said, I got to just try this.

02:23:03.000 And I just run in the other room and I start writing and then boom, it becomes a bit.

02:23:07.000 That's wild.

02:23:08.000 I mean, not always, sure.

02:23:09.000 Twice over the last year, like, legitimate bits have come out of just a random thought that it was popping through my mind while I was laying in bed.

02:23:17.000 Now, were you on the marijuanas both times?

02:23:21.000 Yes.

02:23:21.000 I mean, there's something to it, definitely, when you have a moment to escape.

02:23:25.000 Because our brain's, like, inundated with information all the time.

02:23:28.000 Just daydreaming, being bored.

02:23:31.000 That's where the creativity for me is the most active.

02:23:35.000 Like getting a good nap or even just in a dream you think of something.

02:23:39.000 Like in the shower or driving, those are where my ideas...

02:23:42.000 I've had this similar situation where I'm like, oh, this might be a good joke.

02:23:46.000 Yeah, that's the argument for ignoring phones too, that you allow yourself to get bored.

02:23:50.000 And when you allow yourself to get bored, then that's when these creative ideas will come.

02:23:54.000 Like if you're in your car, like that's the other thing about that little car that I was telling you about.

02:23:58.000 It doesn't have a radio.

02:23:59.000 Yeah.

02:23:59.000 Ooh, that's great.

02:24:00.000 Yeah, no radio.

02:24:01.000 So you have to daydream.

02:24:02.000 Not just daydream.

02:24:03.000 It's like you're tuned into the thing as you're doing it.

02:24:08.000 And you think about stuff.

02:24:09.000 I used to come up with some of my best bits when I first started doing comedy when I was delivering newspapers.

02:24:14.000 I would deliver newspapers in the morning out of my car.

02:24:17.000 I'd chuck them out the window.

02:24:18.000 How old were you?

02:24:18.000 21. Wow.

02:24:19.000 And when I was doing that, I would come up with some of my best bits when I wasn't listening to the radio.

02:24:24.000 I was just driving around, and then I'd have an idea, what? 0.97

02:24:28.000 Why is it that we, what the fuck is this about? 0.97

02:24:31.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:24:31.000 I would just be thinking to myself, almost like those hours became productive. 0.98

02:24:36.000 They are.

02:24:36.000 Yeah.

02:24:38.000 Daydreaming is probably one of the most important things you can do for your brain, especially for creative people and people in general.

02:24:44.000 I think when you're doing something that requires you to do something mechanically like driving, even just washing your body, paper route, anything that you sort of have to do this regular machine thing, your brain sort of just can roam in the woods and just pick off little ideas off the trees and You know,

02:25:05.000 you're able to sort of give your brain a break.

02:25:07.000 Yeah, your brain doesn't always need to be stimulated externally. 1.00

02:25:11.000 Fuck no! 1.00

02:25:13.000 That's probably one of the causes of mental illness. 1.00

02:25:16.000 That probably is attributed to a lot of neurological issues down the road.

02:25:21.000 Probably, yeah.

02:25:22.000 Your brain needs a break. 1.00

02:25:24.000 Those synapses can't be firing all the fucking time. 1.00

02:25:27.000 They got shit to do. 1.00

02:25:28.000 Give them a nap. 1.00

02:25:29.000 Give them a nap.

02:25:30.000 I'm exhausted.

02:25:31.000 Whew.

02:25:31.000 You know, the brain needs a break, but yeah, I definitely, I think of random things sometimes in the shower.

02:25:37.000 Yeah, you can do that while you're driving, you can do that while you're in the shower, running.

02:25:42.000 Like, I like to run and listen to books on tape, but sometimes I just like to run and just listen to my voice, just the breathing, and then you get into this, like, meditated state.

02:25:51.000 Yeah.

02:25:52.000 That's deep.

02:25:53.000 Deep, bro.

02:25:53.000 Oh, it's so deep!

02:25:55.000 No.

02:25:56.000 And on that note, it's already noon.

02:25:59.000 It is?

02:25:59.000 Dude.

02:26:00.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:26:00.000 Yeah, 12.05. 1.00

02:26:01.000 That was like three hours of hanging out with you, and still it's not enough.

02:26:04.000 We started a little late because we had some tri-crashcaster issues.

02:26:08.000 And we also started late because you had me on these, I was going to say machines.

02:26:12.000 Oh, that's a sponsor, the Sew Right.

02:26:14.000 These are amazing.

02:26:15.000 I have chronic stiffness in my neck from traveling and sitting awkward, and Jamie was nice enough to give me one of these.

02:26:22.000 Yeah, they're awesome.

02:26:23.000 They're great for releasing the weird, hard-to-get muscles in your back.

02:26:28.000 You lie on that thing, and it digs in.

02:26:31.000 It's real light, too.

02:26:32.000 You can carry it and take it with you.

02:26:35.000 Who was the first one?

02:26:36.000 Was it Michael Chandler told us about it?

02:26:38.000 Yeah.

02:26:39.000 He was the first guy that, for the psoas muscle to target it, Yeah, that we're the V, we're girls who like that V formation, that muscle down there, the dudes who have the V. You probably don't get it because you're a guy.

02:26:51.000 Yeah, Jamie was talking about...

02:26:52.000 I think.

02:26:53.000 I'm not a scientist.

02:26:54.000 Let's just go with that's what it is.

02:26:56.000 Wait a minute, you're not a scientist?

02:26:56.000 I thought you were a scientist.

02:26:57.000 I'm still studying.

02:26:58.000 I haven't been approved. 1.00

02:26:59.000 What kind of fucking podcast is this? 1.00

02:27:01.000 I am a goddamn doctor. 1.00

02:27:02.000 Jessie Mae, tell everybody how they can find you on the internets. 0.99

02:27:05.000 You can find me, my website's jessiemay.com.

02:27:08.000 I'm at Queefy Mae on Twitter.

02:27:10.000 Queefy May on Twitter.

02:27:11.000 You made fun of me because of that.

02:27:13.000 Instagram is...

02:27:14.000 Jessie May Peluso and you can check out my Sharp Tongue podcast.

02:27:17.000 And she's touring all over the country.

02:27:19.000 Hilarious stand-up comedian.

02:27:20.000 My friend, Jessie May.

02:27:21.000 I love you so much.

02:27:22.000 You're one of my favorites.

02:27:23.000 Thanks for having me on.

02:27:24.000 This was such an honor.

02:27:25.000 Glad we finally did it.

02:27:25.000 Yeah, thank you.

02:27:26.000 Bye, fuckers. 1.00

02:27:27.000 I'm a scientist. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 08, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1279 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript